KILL TONY - KILL TONY #270

Episode Date: June 8, 2018

Byron Bowers, Jamar Neighbors, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/04/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing go by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that

That's right Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me Rebelsis Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes, including video portions of all the shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad.

You can also check out our tour dates. Click on tour dates and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Or we are always on the road. We are coming to Detroit. We are coming to Indiana. We are even maybe Cleveland. A bunch of new dates are being added all the time.

Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there. Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew every episode. He drew the poster.

He drew the book. Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit go to ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shop squad.tv there you have all the official merchandise of the death squad universe including death squad hats and mugs and shirts but we also have the new kill tony number two shirt uh the second shirt that we've done. That's up for pre-order right now, so get in your pre-orders so you can guarantee your shirt. Just click on Kill Tony by going to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. How do you suppose we're supposed to win?

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it Up for Tony Hensquare. What's up, everybody? Make some fucking noise. Come on, more energy. Brian Red Band's here. Brian J.E. Belt's here. Josh Martin running around. Look at this guy. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world.

Make some fucking noise. Patty Reagan doing a low energy set tonight, getting the crowd cooled down before getting the party started. Red Band, I'm excited to be back with you. We have some fun stuff coming up just two weeks away from the already sold out five year anniversary of Kill Tony right here in the main room. And the week after

that we have Tom Segura. And we're going to Portland next weekend for Kill Tony, June 17th. I'm doing stand up there on the 15th and 16th. Then we go to Skank Fest. That's going to be a lot of fun. July 13th and 14th. We're doing a Kill Tony in Cleveland.

Kill Tony in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The first week of August. Then Lexington, Kentucky. I do stand-up. And then we do Kill Tony in Nashville, Tennessee. That made-up Nashville date that we had to shuffle around. And then Lansing Grand Rapids in Detroit with the great Danny Brown. Fuck it.

So much fun stuff is going on. And we're getting older doing all this fun stuff. Sometimes it's not easy, you know. Red Band's on a full-blown diet right now, and he's staying healthy. Can you guys tell? Look, he has a little color to his face tonight. Can you tell I lost six pounds? And he has sexual performance issues, and they're more common than you think.

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I can't wait to get hard during this show. There you go. That'll be a running gag that you have with yourself over there. It'll be a funny, funny thing. You and some weird scum bucket over here, I'm sure, will probably laugh at. There he is right there. Look at that guy. He knows what's up.

I'm excited about all this stuff. Oh, and also, KillTony.tv is a new streamlined video footage of KillTony. It's every episode streamlined with the gas and the number and everything, but you could also go to DeathSquad.TV. I don't think a lot of people know that we have videos of this show. It's a big live video podcast. Every episode's at DeathSquad.TV. Most of the people that consume

this show listen to it. Some crazy, like, 90%. Anyway, fun times. I'm excited about everything. Should we get tonight started? I'm pumped. Let's bring up our guest first. He's been on the show numerous times, one of my favorite human beings,

one of the funniest comedians, Comedy Central, all of his own shows, tons of writing gigs, tons of acting gigs. You know him, you love him. Put your hands together for the great Byron Bowers, everybody. Come on. Here we go! It's all coming together. Hey!

Yeah! Hi, Byron! Byron's back. What up? Oh, this is a shy group, huh? Okay. A what? A shy. They're a little bit shell-shocked right now. Is it a wrestling jacket that threw you off? You know what I mean?

That's what it is. It's ironic a black man wearing an Undertaker on his back, huh? Especially when cops shoot niggas the way they are. I'm just preparing. Well, anyway. I'm just preparing. Well, anyway, the Undertaker jacket, I'm going to dig us out of this hole right now. There's not no hole?

No, I know. I'm kidding. I'm going to bring up the band. You've been on this show before. How's everything going? Everything good? You excited to be back? Man, I'm excited to be back, man. Your crowd's looking better, which means you're doing better in life. Yeah, life is good. I love it. Those are all comedians over there. Hi, guys. Holy shit.

Look at it. You got a little cult following, huh? We also have a band. I don't know if you know this, but every single episode, we have the best damn band in the land. Every week, they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do or what they're going to be, and they stay in character throughout the show.

They're truly some of the funniest human beings. At least two out of the three of these guys are some of the funniest human beings. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Homenos, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. All right. These intros get a little longer every week. Oh, my God.

There's no way. Hey! Is this the cast of Roseanne? Hey! That is the Roseanne theme song, and it appears as though the cast of Roseanne is here. Wow. Look at

Roseanne Barr. Wow. Wow. She just spit on the main stage of the comedy store. No respect whatsoever. Guys, she started here. This is where she was discovered. Make some noise for fucking Roseanne Barr.

Shana Baya Watkins is in full garb. I don't know if that's Roseanne Barr or a bloated Howard Stern. I'm not exactly sure what is happening. Wow, even Roseanne laughed at that one a little bit, huh? Wow. Roseanne, that's crazy it appears as though you have a broken arm because on Instagram today I saw that band leader Jeremiah Watkins

actually broke his arm skateboarding no the cast broke my arm so I'd stop tweeting I think it's too late for that now. Can I say that I love two-thirds of the panel tonight? Hey! In your face! Chroma Chris is in full John Goodman garb, I'm guessing. Just glad I didn't actually die off on season nine.

I came back. Fuck glad I didn't actually die off on season nine. I came back. Fuck yeah, Girl with Chris. Can you guess who the one third of the band is? And then back here, as if there wasn't enough, there's a Mexican Howard Stern, it appears, for some reason. I can literally make it. We've all seen private parts. This is two different phases of his career.

This is college Howard Stern, and there you have a fart man over here. The name's Darlene, Tony. Wow, look at you. And I got my eye on Ryan J. He's an artist. Wow, Ryan J. Ebeld, who draws every episode. He's drawing artist. Wow. Ryan J. Ebeld, who draws every episode. He's drawing tonight's episode.

And you can get all those prints at ryanjebeld.com. Cool prints of each and every show. Who knows what. Did he do his beard, too? Whose beard? Did he draw his own beard? That is a thick, thick gullet that he has. So shall we get it started?

All the pieces are in place. The cast of the Roseanne show. I guess Roseanne's gonna play with a broken arm. Look at that. Wow. Roseanne, you ready for this shit? Yeah, bring it on, bitch. Wow. Alright.

Alright. Hey! Are you going to let me get my neck strap on? For those of you that don't know what just happened, sometimes after Jeremiah hits a big joke, he'll go into a careless whisper solo along with that music and Red Band hit it while the sax wasn't on all the way and his arm is broken for the first time ever. So it didn't work at all.

Jeremiah got upset. You guys ready to start this shit, huh? This is a real live episode. Just goes to show you that anything can happen here tonight. We could meet a complete stranger. There you... You still got it. Wow.

Ow! You guys ready to start this shit or what? Here we go. I pulled your name out of the bucket. Oh, yeah. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you yeah, if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time. That means wrap it up in 60 seconds or else you're going to hear the sound of a kitten. Finish then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So do your time, 60 seconds. You guys ready to start this shit or what?

I pull the name out of the bucket. Here we go. Live from the Comedy Store, Anything Can Happen. This looks like a new name. We're about to hear it, non-interrupted, 60 seconds, from Ishpal Sidhu. Ishpal Sidhu. Yeah! Ishpal. Oh, no.

Wow. No Ishpal. Oh, that. Wow. No Ishpaul. That's disappointing. Blacklisted. Sounds like he'd be proud. Ooh, the worst kind. Wow, Roseanne. What?

What did I say? All right. Just like ABC did with your show, let's keep it moving along. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Danny Polish Chuck. Danny Polish Chuck? Is that a real name? Here it comes.

Yeah! Yeah! Danny Polish Chuck, everybody. Come on. How's it going? Do I just start right now? I don't know. I got really baked. This is a WNBA town, right?

You guys any big WNBA fans here today? No, I don't like the WNBA just because it's not good. I actually have a way I think I can fix the WNBA, though. People don't like it Mostly women, but I think what they need to do is they need to lower the net Like a foot. I said this at a show once and this woman yelled out. She goes fuck you She didn't obviously like, you know as a woman. She didn't She'd never seen a game in her life. She just like took that as an attack where she's like what women aren't good enough to basketball

It's like no, It's just women are smaller people. Just lower the net a proportionate amount, right? They already play with a smaller ball because women have smaller hands and also it goes in the hoop a little easier, doesn't it, sweetheart? How's that close to a minute?

There you go. That's a minute. I figured I was around there. Danny Polish, Chuck. How's it going? Good internal clock on you. You know exactly when a minute of bombing is done. Yeah. That's exactly. You set that timer.

You good. You good. You set the timer. You knew when it was supposed to explode. Roseanne looks like she wants to say something. Can I just say I hated this sack of filth? Fair enough. Wow, why is he such a sack of filth to you, Roseanne?

Ah, degrading to women. Big WNBA fan, Roseanne? Sing the anthem at one of them? All right, Danny, over here, over here. Let me save you. Let me save you. Let me save you like the kitten did How's it going?

How long have you been on stand up? Eight years Sorry Eight years where at? In Toronto How long have you been in LA for? A day What are you doing here?

Just visiting Good Just supporting the American economy As best as I can What are you doing here? Just visiting. Good. Just supporting the American economy as best as I can. How does the WNBA jokes go over in Toronto? Pretty well. We don't have a team. We have the Raptors, which they're not very good.

But y'all don't have a woman's team. No, we have women's hockey, but it's not good either. Okay. So what point were you going to make with the whole WNBA thing? It's generally a longer bit, but I don't... Oh, no, don't say that. No. No.

I think all these people agree that it should be a much, much shorter bit. Like zero seconds would be perfect. All you really said is they should lower the hoop. It's more like just a thing to start an argument at a Thanksgiving dinner table than an actual stand-up comedy show. You could take out what the woman said and actually get straight to your point of view. What do you mean? You was like, I did this thing, and this lady said this, and for that bit, they ain't need it.

You could just come out and say, I think they should lower the hoop a foot. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, fair enough. It was distilled down to 60 seconds, so I kind of have to... No, you would add more laughs in the 60 seconds. Potentially. Oh, potentially.

I don't think anyone cares about the WNBA, so they wouldn't really care about a joke about the WNBA, you know? I don't know. As far as I understand, people love the WNBA. Yeah, from your country. You were watching it from... That was a joke. I know that the WNBA sucks.

I got you. I got you, Danny. That was another bomb. You know what I mean? So, Danny Polish Chuck. Yeah. What do you do for a living in Toronto? I do some TV and film stuff.

I just had a movie out up in Canada. Are you like the Canadian Jonah Hill or something like that? No. Canadian Harvey Weinstein? Closer. More accurate. You look like you jerk off into. I have a really nice couch.

It's waterproof. So Danny, what are you doing while you're visiting here in LA? What else is on the itinerary? I'm going to visit a friend of mine who has a TV show here and then I'm going to Boulder, Colorado to visit my brother. Is your brother the Boulder?

That's the widest LA experience ever. You're not going to visit no Mexicans while you're here? They don't have a lot of those in Toronto. Are there literal Mexicans to visit? Hell fuck yeah. Just go backwards. What is that?

I didn't see that on Trippet. Go to Los Angeles Street. Go to Los Angeles Street in three hours. Los Angeles Street? They come to you. That's the beautiful part about LA. What TV show does your friend work for that you're here to visit and hang out at? Futureman. Futureman.

Is that a Canadian television show? No, it's on Hulu. Oh, okay. I respect that. I don't know. You love Hulu here. We went to summer camp. So, Dan, what else have you done for fun or what else is planned?

Like, specifically specifically you're in Los Angeles other than going to a future man. I'm going to go to the Getty Museum and I'm going to check out some shows and visit some friends and stuff. Some other comedians who are here. I'm going to go to the improv tomorrow night

for you know Jeff Danson. There's a penguin in the corner of the room over there. Are you grinding up weed? A little bit. Should I not have said that? I don't have good American etiquette obviously so far.

Danny, we'll ask the question. That's how we do it here in America. I'm okay with that. Eight years of comedy. That's a long time to do comedy. What's your second best bit you got? I didn't even know I was supposed to do my first

bit. I was smoking weed out in the back. I was not prepared to go on, clearly. That's funnier than the... Not from what the way they reacted it wasn't. I think maybe for your set to better, we should have lowered the hoop a little bit.

Oh! Oh! Alley hoop! Alley hoop! I'm gonna suck your dick later, Tony Angecliffe. Wow, thank you, Roseanne. I'm excited about that. Roseanne gets a bad wrap-up in Canada,

because... Danny, don't try anymore. Stop trying. Stop trying. All right. So do you have any cool special skills or talents? You seem like you're really good at something. Yo-yo or something like that? Play-Doh?

Yo-yo. No, I can't yo-yo. What is it? What's your special talent? What's your movie about? It's about, remember Rob Ford? The crack... What's your movie about? It's about... Remember Rob Ford? The crack-smoking mayor?

Yeah. It's about him. Are you... Do you play him? I don't. I'm not that fat yet. No, it's... We have this actor

named Pat Thornton. It's called Filth City. And, yeah, I play a police officer. That's what I call my vagina. Yay! Wow. Still got Wow, Roseanne. Still got it.

Fat city. So, Danny, go back to special talent. Sure. What do you think you're best at? Ooh. What's your, like, if you had to do something to, like, impress someone? I'm pretty good at shooting free throws. Really?

Yeah. Shooting free throws? I'm a pretty good free throw shooter. Once I have to run, once I have to run, it's bad. So you like just to get fouled? No, no. I just shoot the free throws like a carnival act kind of.

Wow. Yeah. So the answer is you don't have any special skills or talents. No, no. Those are free throws. They're called free throws for a reason. WNBA women shoot those on regulation size suits. Oh, they would destroy me.

Yeah. Wow. Doesn't he look like a sleep-deprived Tom Segura? There you go. You fucking ten comedians over there. Are there only ten people here who know who Tom Segura is? No. Okay.

All right. Sorry. It's okay. Thanks, Danny. What did I tell you about asking fucking questions? Sorry! Sorry! That's a shit.

Apologize, Canadian. I literally just said sorry like three times. All right. All right, Danny. It's embarrassing. I mean, what did we find out about you? That you are basically the maple syrup of comedians. Sort of slow, not quite tapped all the way yet.

Untapped talent. All right, it was nice to meet you, though. Thanks, Matthew. You didn't know he was getting on. He was just smoking pot out back. Right before show, he signed up where he could potentially get on. Hey, it's not his fault. Feel free to use that excuse in life

any time you want. I think the most shocking thing to me was he said it was eight years. I was like, oh, shit. And you can't do one minute out of that. He said it like it was a prison sentence, too. He was like, eight to ten. All right.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Thudo Maringula. Fuck yeah, I'm excited about this. That's a badass name. Thudo Maringula. Yeah. Hey, I know that song. Power Rangers.

Thank you so much. That was close. It's Thudo Maringula. Take your time. It's a bit of a mouthful. My name sounds like an African war cry. It sounds like some shit they say in Black Panther before they charge out into battle. I'm from South Africa. Yeah, my poor man's Trevor Noah. Interesting facts about my country. Sorry, I'm still tired from running.

There are more white people... No, no. There are more white people living in the country of South Africa than there are in the entire African continent. That's why I had to leave. It was taking away from the African experience Here's an African joke I've been working on for about 46 years If you get the joke, dope

Wakanda forever If you don't, life's a bitch and then you die African joke Thank you so much Hell yeah Fuck yeah die. African joke. Thank you so much. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. I believed every part of that set except for the part where you said you were out of breath from running.

Yeah, that threw me off too. Yeah, I've seen South Africans run before. You can go much longer distances. Strong endurance. Our education system ain't that bad. We know what the fuck y'all be running from over there. How do you pronounce your name again?

It's Tuto. Hell yeah! Fuck yeah! Tuto... Maringula. What does that mean? Maringula. I like how he just started jamming on cue when he played.

He kicked it. I was like, what the fuck going on? Fuck yeah, Tuto. Tuto, man. Maringula. Gula. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

How long, are you born here? I was born in South Africa, yeah. How long you been here? Since, I was born in South Africa, yeah. How long have you been here? Since, I came here for college in 2013, but I lived in New York for a while and then I moved to LA in 2014. And that's where you went to college? It was in New York? Yeah, New York, yeah. Wow. What'd you study? Acting.

Wait, what? Film acting. I studied, yeah. Oh, oh cool. How's that going for you? That's perfect. Yeah, cool. How's that going for you? That's perfect. Yeah, but it's not going anywhere right now. I just want to let you know, I heard that they're making a sequel to Get Out. Yeah, I'll take it.

Yeah, what's up? Jordan Peele. I got a question. In your native language, when they asked how you act and was going, you was like, that's like an American. In your language language, when they asked how your acting was going, you was like, that's like an American. In your language, how would you be like? How is acting going? Acting? Ain't no like,

but you scratch the back of your head. Y'all ain't got that over there? No, we don't. What did you just say? We say ah the same way, yeah. You know one thing I learned recently? Oh, it's like a universal term. Oh, shit.

One thing I learned recently. I ain't been to Africa, I'm sorry. Yeah, no, we say ah in South Africa all the time. One thing I read about the other day was how people are taught how to sneeze, basically. In different countries, everybody sneezes sort of differently. Achoo is really an extremely American thing. How do people sneeze where you're from?

Achoo! No, stop it, Brian. It's a louder sneeze. You let all the demons out when you sneeze. Oh, there's demons in there? Yeah, yeah. Damn, what the fuck going on over there? That's why people say bless you. That's actually British, but bless you comes from man.

What do you guys say after you sneeze? AIDS. What? Oh, shit. I was just fucking around. Holy shit. I know. Ah!

AIDS. Oh, my God. All right. It's like he was reading my mind. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up No you're good man Yeah you're good Look at my eyes brother

I see you bro How long have you been in LA? Since 2014 Since 2014 Yeah And how do you make a living? I work valet At a Marriott downtown

I park cars I did valet too man Fuck that shit Yeah it's It's Something Yeah Hell yeah that's good.

You ever see anyone famous? Kevin Smith. Yeah, yeah. Basketball is across the street from the Staples Center, so they'll have the Lakers dudes stay across the street. You ever test drive cars? Pardon? You ever test drive the cars? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to think of the last really dope cars. Oh, yeah, I got to drive a McLaren 570 GT. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm trying to think of the last really dope car. Oh, yeah, I got to drive a McLaren 570 GT. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. So they left their McLaren with you to pull it, like, what, down into the parking garage? Yeah, yeah. And then what do you do with it? No, we put the most expensive cars in the loading dock, so there's, like, cameras everywhere, yeah.

I used to drive them shit. Where'd you take it? What'd you do? I just put it in the loading dock of the hotel, like upstairs. But the new cars have buttons now as opposed to gears, so it took me a while to actually make it move. So I was revving it, and I looked like an idiot. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen sitting on somebody's passenger seat or in their cup holder or anything like that?

Anything crazy ever stand out to you? Yeah, what really surprises me is the amount of people. You would pull a really expensive Mercedes, like S550 AMG, and it would smell like weed, and immediately you assume that it's going to be like a producer, like a black guy, and it's going to be like the most conservative looking white

man in a suit. I agree with that 100%. That AMG pot smoking lifestyle, actually. Fuck yeah. So what else, man? What else do you do for fun here in LA? What do you find yourself doing socially?

Well, I do mics all the time. So I spend most of my time at home just watching shit tons of stand-up. And then I'll work on my own material. And then at night, I'll try to do two or three mics a night. You talk to your parents a lot? My dad died. Oh. Yeah.

All right. I talked with it. I know. All right. You guys just found out, so it's a bit of, you know, I get it. No, I saw your uncle. That's the African experience right there.

But I talk to my mom. I spoke to my mom yesterday. I'm a mommy's boy. Totally, yeah. I'm a mommy's boy. I'm sorry to hear about you. Dad, can you talk about it? Yeah, I was 17. It was kind of the reason why I decided to move to the States.

What happened? It's like the typical African... It was malaria. Oh, shit. Yeah, but he had... No police or no shit like that? Is that your malaria sound effect? Oh my God. Yeah.

I've never heard malaria brought up. Hey, that's a unique thing to me, malaria. I usually hear about other fucked up shit. It was the ego, man, because he had grown up in Mozambique and basically was thought that he was immune to it. So for years, he was immune to it. And then he was gone from his home country for so long that when he went back, he was no longer immune to it. Wow. That ain't immune to it. And then he was gone from his home country for so long that when he went back,

he was no longer immune to it. Wow. Killed at the house. That's a mosquito bite, basically? Yeah, it is a mosquito bite. Tourists always get injections, vaccinations and shit, but when you're a native,

your body adapts. Sorry, not adopt. So, like, what does your mom say about you doing stand-up comedy? Oh, she's fully supportive. Yeah. My whole family is fully supportive. Some of them aren't, but, you know, it's cool.

I live with it. Do you tell them how different the mosquitoes are here and shit? Dude, that's the thing. Like, I've never been bitten by a mosquito in America. Like in South Africa, it's a thing, dude. Yeah, the mosquitoes here are afraid they're going to get something from you. Yeah, exactly. It's the genes of DNA.

Those American mosquitoes don't come around. They like, this ain't no regular nigga right here. This ain't watered down. This the whole thing. I ain't ready for the whole... This top shelf watered down. This the whole thing. I ain't ready for the whole. This top shelf nigga right here. Oh, man.

That's stupid. Woo! Congratulations, man. You full-blooded and shit. Goddamn. Look at you. Thank you. I appreciate that, man.

Let me ask you a question, too. You ever been with a white woman before? Yeah, man. South Africa? Oh, yeah. With African woman? Yeah. Oh, yeah. With the white woman over there pussy like. Pardon?

With the white woman in South Africa pussy like. I've never slept with a South African white girl. But you've been with an American. Oh, yeah, yeah. Motherfucker. Yeah. I feel you, though. Yeah.

How does that normally go down? You prefer, I'm just curious, do you have a preference between the two, white or black? I like my women like my coffee. Fat as fuck. That doesn't make any sense, Brian. Coffee's not fat. Man, I had such a good...

Black and bitter. Put butter in it. Black and bitter. Wait, what was it? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Wait, what was it? Wait, you go to Wakanda. Hold on, wait, wait.

How do you like your coffee again? I missed it. Like my women. Tell them how silly his coffee joke was. I like it like my women. I like my coffee like my women. Black and bitter. Black and bitter.

Hey, okay. Yeah, man, I lost momentum. Come on, Redback. It's okay. Yeah. Wait, I have an idea. I'm from Atlanta. I have an idea. Say it again. Yeah, it's going to get funnier the more I say okay. Wait, I have an idea. I'm from Atlanta. I have an idea.

Say it again. Yeah, it's going to get funnier the more I say it. Yeah, I just repeat it. You got to go to Atlanta. Dude, I know. Slide a black and bitter down there. Yeah, I'd love to go to Atlanta. And you see all black city in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's going to be ghetto as fuck. You know what I mean? No, but I heard Atlanta is like a Beverly Hills for black people. Man, it's more than that. It's all Wakanda. Wakanda, nigga. Fuck it, yeah. We got the technology down there.

You find a difference in the going back to white or black women? Do you find a difference with a white woman that is different than being with a black woman? Yeah, what do white women be like and what do black women be like? Yeah, what do white women be like and what do black women be like? I find that... Wow, Roseanne, you are a dirty bitch. I think Tony's doing research right now. I just like to hear people's different perspectives. To be honest, man, like, I have an easier time with white women

because white girls get very impressed by shit. Yeah, like what? Like, after doing a mic, girls are like, oh, my God, you're amazing! white women because white girls get very impressed by shit. Like what? After doing a mic, girls go, oh my god, you're amazing! Black girls just go, that was good. I'm kind of unimpressive to black women. Do you ever thicken

your accent for white women? Yeah. What's the difference between the way you talk to a black woman and the difference between how you talk to a white women? Yeah, yeah. What's the difference between the way you talk to a black woman and the difference between how you talk to a white woman? I definitely try to fit in a bit more. Oh, my God. I try to tap into some Ebonics, I guess.

Ebonics? I want to act out. Okay, bro, Sam. You got to relax. Calm down. You can't be ordering niggas around Fuck you, thank you, it The way I should be Roseanne, you are out of control

Unemployable Alright Tutto, it was so nice to meet you Thank you, man Thank you so much Feel free to come back anytime you want Sign up again Tutto, Marangola Congratulations, man Hell yeah Thank you so much. Feel free to come back any time you want. Sign up again. Two-toe, Mer and Gola.

Congratulations, man. Hell yeah. Isn't that exciting? Look at Jerry's mouth. What? Jerry? Did you just call Jeremiah Jerry? Yeah.

Wow. His name's Roseanne. He's not old enough to be Jerry yet. The name's Roseanne. He's not old enough to be Jerry yet. The name's Roseanne, and I'm the female version of Brian Redman. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Maddie Dial, everybody. Come on.

Maddie Dial. Yeah, Maddie! Hey! It's Maddie Dial, everyone. Hey, guys. I'm from Texas, originally, where we don't really like... I wouldn't clap at that,

but we don't really like to express our emotions. Like, we didn't grow up saying, I love you. And, like, maybe my mom not expressing that she loves me is the reason I'm a stand-up comic and not a successful doctor, is to say. But on my mom not expressing that she loves me is the reason I'm a stand-up comic and not a successful doctor is to say. But on top of not expressing our emotions, we also like didn't talk about anything that made us feel uncomfortable,

including sex, drinking, and drugs. So it wasn't until high school and a very large group of people that I discovered that tampons cannot take your virginity. It was also for the longest time, I thought that weed and hookah were the same thing. And it's really embarrassing when you're in a group of people and you think you're high, and they know you're not.

And even though I feel like I'm a lot less naive now, I still think the world's pretty confusing of a place. Like, why is it considered disgusting to not wipe down your elliptical after using it? But it's okay to lick someone's asshole. Fuck yeah, Maddie Dial. There you go. Hello.

Is this your first time on the show? It is, yeah. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. That was a fun minute. How long have you been on stand-up? I'm still out of breath. I don't exercise much. Two years ish. Two years. All here in LA? Yeah. Is this where you're from? No, I'm originally from Texas.

Oh yeah, what part? Do you want me to redo my set? No, no, no. I definitely don't. Don't do it. Nobody pays attention to that part because it doesn't come back around in the punchline again. That's true. So that part didn't matter.

So what city in Texas are you from? That's true. Dallas. I ignore the needless information because I listen to so much stand-up comedy. Ignore the first 30 seconds. No, no, it's not how it works. It's the needless information. That has nothing to do with the time limit whatsoever.

Wow, this reminds me of the board game Don't Wake Daddy. There you go. good one Roseanne Y'all got some chemistry I can tell you Alright, everybody settle down Y'all piercing straight through each other I like it, you know what I mean? Thank you Byron, very good

This is how the Me Too movement started Alright You son of a bitch So What city in Texas is it? All right. All right. You son of a bitch. So what city in Texas is it? Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Texas. And you've been here for two years?

No, I've been here for longer, but I've been in stand-up for like two years. Okay. Where were you out here before you started stand-up? College. I went to Loyola Marymount University. Would you study there? Hey. Communications. Really, really good degree. Really happy about University. Would you study there? Hey. Communications.

Really good degree. Really happy about that. Do you have a job? How do you survive? Yes, I do have a job. I am a stylist for a company called Stitch Fix. What are you styling? People, primarily. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Wow. What do you think about Roseanne's getup over here? Money. All right. Roseanne, you look like you had something you wanted to say Nope Alright, Maddie What's the diameter size of your tampon?

Okie dokie, Maddie, back over here I'm sorry about that Mine's a tree trunk When it goes in, when it comes out,'s a toothpick am i right because of the beaver so you're a stylist is that a typical thing for a communications person to get into you just knew somebody or something cool like that how do you get a job i didn't really know what i wanted to do so i graduated and i started working retail and it sucks because people are so mean. But I liked the clothes and stuff.

And then one of my friends who I worked with left to work for them. And she was like, you should come, too. And I did. Wow. Yeah, that's fun. What's the worst customer you ever had in retail? All right, Roseanne. Anyway.

Sorry I'm asking the hard-hitting question that nobody else wanted. All right, Roseanne. Wow. Unbelievable. Maddie, you have a boyfriend? I do. How long have you been with him? Almost four years.

Four years. What does he do? I don't know. Byron, get out of Almost four years. Four years. What does he do? I don't know. Byron, get out of here. What are you staring at me like that for? I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry, everyone.

What are you apologizing for? I'm sorry that we couldn't work out. What does the boyfriend do for a living? He works at a talent agency. Oh, wow. Shit. Does he represent one of the top young rising comedians in the world? I just saw Red Van perk up.

Yeah. Seems like a nice guy. Well, that's fun. That seems to be good. So you were with him for two years before you decided to start doing stand-up comedy? I was like, this feels like a good investment. Right. Maybe he could help you out. No, no.

He doesn't. He is unfortunately help you out. No, no, he doesn't. He is unfortunately not that department. Animal talents like dogs and stuff. He represents McDonald's, yes. Dogs. Oh, dogs. Oh, there you go. McDonald's.

No, he's in, I mean, I guess it's all kind of the same. He'd be really offended by me saying that. But he's in like motion pictures talent. Oh, ka-ching, ka-ching. Oh wait, no, he's not anymore. He's not anymore. Oh, he's in motion picture lit now, sorry. Different department. Wow. So let me guess,

two years, you're going to be a writer. Yeah. No, alright. I just like to go where it seems most convenient. Well, that's fun. Who are some of your favorite stand-up comedians? Ooh, I love Beth Stelling. I think she's hysterical. Yeah, that's the Beth Stelling trademark.

Beth Stelling fans. Any other female comics you like? I love Roseanne Barr. Have you ever? No. One clap. Perfect. And, yeah, I love John Mulaney too.

He's great. Yeah. You're real hip. You live in the Silver Lake area? No. No? I hate the, I'm sorry, I hate the east side. Where do you live?

Tell your outfit that. She's a stylist, Roseanne. You're so mean. Sorry. All right. Clearly the ambience kicking in over there. I live in just like 10 minutes south of here. It's like mid-city area.

But if I could live in Silver Lake, I would not. Right. Because you what? You don't like hipsters. Is that what you're saying? You don't like hipsters is that what you're saying you don't like hip people yeah no do you work with a lot of styling uh industry no they're like too cool for stitch fix i think stitch fix yeah what is that so it's like people like that need so it's like they stitch fixes whenever a woman has a baby and her vagina is really messed

up and then you stitch it back up after it's done and then the doctor says, hey hubby, you want an extra stitch? And he's like, fix it, you got it. Hey! Daddy's stitch. That was spot on. That was spot on. No, it's a company

so you sign up and you send your measurements and your style in and then I get that and, like, your style in. And then I get that and I pick things to send to you. Like a subscription box type thing. Yeah, it's like a subscription box. Wow, that's interesting. Yeah.

Man, people are struggling. Yeah, for style. But it's kind of weird, though, because people do feel the need. They feel, because it's, like, over the Internet. And so they feel a little more expressive with their feedback. So it's kind of, sometimes people are really mean, and like kind of bully you with the internet. Well, it seems like they would probably pay a decent amount of money

to have some, it has to cost a certain amount of overhead to pay a human being like yourself money to decide what these people are going to wear. So they're, like what's the worst type of feedback you've gotten? Recently I had a guy say, fuck off to me. Wow. What did you send him? Wow, so crass.

It was just because it was about a pair of pants and he goes, $100, fuck off. And I was like, I had nothing to do with that. Did he buy the pants? No. Wow. He just was mad. They were expensive. Which I was like, I had nothing to do with that. Did he buy the pants? No. Wow. He just was mad. They were expensive. Which I was like, I get that. That's expensive. Have you ever tried one of these subscription clothes boxes? I did it once and they sent me a scarf.

And I'm like, a fashion scarf, not like a wet. And I was like, what the fuck? That was all they sent you? No, no. That was one of the things they sent me. I was going to be like Don Knotts out in the city or something like that. Hell yeah. You might have got my box. They're like, they sent me. I was going to be like Don Knotts out in the city or something like that. Hell yeah. You might have got my box.

They're like, fuck this scarf. I need to go to the thrift store and get an off-duty police officer shirt. I could be caught dead in this scarf. I need to show the world I am an alpha, and you're all sort of under arrest. I think he looks great. Maddie, what's something that your boyfriend does that you hate, like that drives you crazy?

It's been four years now. That's usually the part. He's a really aggressive driver. Like, it scares the shit out of me. Oh, yeah? What kind of car does he have? He just totaled his car. Wow.

Was it a McLaren? Did it happen at the downtown Marriott? No. All right. wow was it a McLaren did it happen at the downtown Marriott no alright he was driving a Ford and now he's got a Honda moving up moving up moving up

moving up but he drives like whereas most people the cars in front of them start to brake so like they take their foot off the accelerator

he just keeps accelerating until like right before and then he slams on the brake. He's trying to kill you. No, he's trying to kill you. Yeah, and then he totaled his car. Have you ever talked to him about it?

Yeah, and he's like. Shut up, bitch. Whoa, Jesus. Why did he say that, Brian? Well, before then, he was always just like, I've never gotten into an accident, so it's fine. But now he has, so. Got to have that conversation.

Did he rear-end somebody? Yeah. After he pays, he's going to change a little bit. A little bit, yeah. I've been in 17. I'm an awesome driver now. 11 hitting runs. Beat that, motherfucker. Well, Maddie, it was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you guys, too. You perform at the Comedy Store a lot? I do. I actually have a show booked the 22nd. Cool. Well, there you go, everybody. It's Maddie Dial.

27th. Catch her back here again, Maddie Dial, on Twitter, Maddie Dial. It's fun. You guys having fun out there, huh? Only reason I looked at you was a lot of boyfriend questions

and you didn't ask none of the other motherfuckers about Sure I did, I asked I asked Tuto if he liked white women or black women and I had a lot of serious questions You just assumed he was single though Why is that lady agreeing like that? Who said that? and I had a lot of serious questions. You just assumed he was single, though.

Why is that lady agreeing like that? Who said that? Uh-huh. Get out of here. Here's a young lady that we know that's been on the show a few times. You know her. You love her. Put your hands together for Lila Hart, everybody.

Lila, here she comes. Yeah. This shit is about to motherfucking go down. Make some noise for Lila Hart, everyone. I got a bath bomb the other day, and it was really exciting because I love bathtubs. You know, most people outgrow them, but not me. I don't even have a bathtub right now, but that's okay.

I'll just pop it in the sink and hop in. It's going to be great. If I'm so much fun, you'd want to carry me around in your pocket all day. Does that make me a pocket pussy? I think it does. Red Bull gives you wings. I wish it would give me a longer torso. Would solve a lot of problems.

I've been to 20 countries. I know not so surprising because I am travel size so I was in Morocco and I was on a tour group and we all rode camels there were 20 camels

they put me on the baby camel it was attached to the mother camel my camel had a chaperone thank you I'm Laila Hart fuck yeah Laila Hart that was fun Thank you. I'm Lila Hart. Fuck yeah. Lila Hart.

That was fun. Thank you. Hell yeah. How's life going? Fantastic. You've been on the show before a few times. Always fun. Yes. Roseanne, you look like you really want to say something. Am I getting fatter or is she tiny?

She's tiny, Roseanne. She's tiny. That's the answer. Whatever comes to your mind, you really just say over there, huh? I'm a straight school shooter. Oh, I don't think you could tweet that nowadays. Watch me. No, don't do it.

Don't do it, Roseanne. Put the phone down. Lila, you're a funny comedian, always fun jokes. I love the bathtub thing. I think you could take it even farther. I think you can almost really paint a picture of what that's like. You could say you just use an Alka-Seltzer. Yeah.

Maybe you have a little rubber ducky or as you call it a raft you know because the kitchen sink thing it's sort of more funny keeping it in the bathtub and picturing you just flailing around type of thing because there is a lot of extra space there and you know when it comes to baths

I think we all wish we were your size when it comes to that there's one moment and right after that second pass And, you know, when it comes to bats, I think we all wish we were your size when it comes to that. There's one moment. And then right after that second pass is we're like, no, it's good to be normal size. By the way, you always have such a great sense of humor. It's always funny to me how many jokes you make about yourself and how you always laugh at everybody else. Is there ever a time that you get, like, offended people?

No, not really. I mean, I really use my comedy to talk about things that used to make me insecure, so I've kind of really gotten all out there. Right. So not really much that offends me. Do you do stuff about... Hell yeah. Just laugh or die to your friend. Do you do stuff about the insecure times,

or you go straight into the, like, this is where I'm at now? Well, I just, like, tell stories about things that, like, one bit I talk about going to this, like, party, and the guy said this isn't the kind of midget I ordered. And at the time, it really hurt my feelings. Yeah. And now it's hilarious. I mean, it's hilarious.

It's definitely hilarious. Even though I understand what you feel like, but that shit was funny then. You know what I mean? Of all the things to complain about business-wise, what's he going to do, yelp about that? This is not the midget. I mean, is it mean to say I know what he means?

I kind of get it. Yeah. I think... No, I'm glad. I'm definitely glad. Darlene, go to your room! No, Darlene, stay there. I'm glad to see you handling that that No, I'm glad to see you handling that

that way. And I'm interested even in more. Once you even get past the appearance part, I definitely want to know how you think and what's on the inside. You know what I mean? Literally, like, how deep is your vagina? No, not like that.

I seen her Instagram. Seven feet! You know what I mean? So, Lila, what is your love life like? You have a boyfriend right now? My love life is good. Everything is healthy and great, you know?

I'm good. Well, that's good. No, I know. I see your Instagram. You smiling from in the ear. Somebody tagging that shit. You know what I mean? Hell yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, as a deviant, I want to know more about that.

Do you tell stories about that? Oh, yeah, I talk about that kind of stuff, too. You know? Oh, yeah. I make sure to try to answer every question that people have when they see this in my set, you know? Yeah, not now, but in the set. She does a lot of that in the set. She explains that.

Like, can you give us an example of, like, what? Like, what you do talk about during your set that has to do with sexual... You know, like, things can be fine with me. There's a lot of things you can do with a smaller woman, you know? So I do acknowledge that in my set. Such as? Right. Come on, so I do acknowledge that in myself. Such as? Come on, Roseanne.

Or do we have to go home and watch your Netflix special? What's happening right now? Aw, Roseanne, take it easy on her. That's an interesting uh, it's very interesting stuff. Um, you always have extra leg room on every flight,

right? Uh, yeah, but I mean, I do have really long legs on every flight, right? Yeah, but I do have really long legs, so I can drive a car normally. Oh, so you just have to look up higher. I sit on a booster seat. Really? Yeah. Wow, that's cool. I got it from Walmart five years ago. Same booster seat. It's for a child. It's great.

My nephew loves it. Wow. So you carry it with you? Well, it's just there, and then I have one in the trunk. Sometimes I have little friends, and then I'm like, do you want a booster seat too? And they're like, oh my God, yeah. So I'm like, got one in the trunk. I fly all around the country every...

That's dope as shit. I fly around the country pretty much every weekend, and I'm trying to picture all the ignorant hillbillies in the middle of the country seeing you walk off a flight with a boost with your own booster seat just like why is that baby carrying its own booster seat the fuck is going on over there hey little girl you need help you ever get that people ever just I mean I I've had I've had dudes in the airport ask me little girl do you need help? I'd imagine you must get it.

Well, definitely, because I like to wear onesies when I travel. Really? I will wear onesies. I got them, too. I got them, too. Fucking love it. With a little hoodie and cat ears and stuff. Double down, onesie, pacifier, pigtails. Let's do this shit.

Somebody ever found out you was an adult and got fucked up? Like, they tried to holler at you, and then you was like, I'm a grown-ass woman. They was like, God damn, I thought you was a kid. Well, kids are the funniest, because kids will ask me, like, I did shows in Arizona, and I met this little girl, and she was like, are you a big kid, or are you an adult? Are you a little kid, or are you a person? I don't know. She was confused. It was hilarious. So wait, so what was the answer?

I just told her I was both. That's dope. Have cops ever pulled you over because they think you're a kid driving? That's a good question. What's your background? I'm Filipino. My mom's from the Philippines. My dad's from Louisiana and I grew up in Washington.

Oh shit, he told that pussy. Oh. I'm Filipino. My mom's from the Philippines. My dad's from Louisiana. And I grew up in Washington. Oh, shit. He told that pussy. Oh. Hell yeah. You're, uh, what? Is that a genetic? Is your condition?

Yes. It's spina bifida. Yeah. So, um, I've had, like, seven major back operations, leg operations all when I was like a child. So I'm very grateful to just, you know, be able to walk and all the things that I'm able to do. Seven surgeries. Congrats, man. Literally, baby got back.

So what made you come into the stand-up realm? You know, my degree is in broadcast productions, and I always wanted to be a news anchor because behind the news desk no one would know that I was little and one day I just realized that I had, comedy was going to be the way that people were going to see me and respect me. So I just woke up one day and I was like, I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.

Love that. How long did you want to be a news anchor for? It's what I did in middle school, junior high, and high school. I always did news, and then I went to Washington State University and actually got a degree in it. Wow. I always wanted to be a host. I actually remember a specific story. It was in college, and my professor told me, he's like, what do you want to do?

I was like, I want to move to L.A. and have my own TV show. He's like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I want to move to LA and have my own TV show. And he's like, good luck. You know, and now, like, years later, I actually have kind of a show, Small Talk, on YouTube. So, I mean, I do it myself, but I'm, like, living my dream out here, you know? It's a lot of work, but it's awesome. Yeah, fuck that. You have your own goddamn YouTube show. Yes!

You show him. Yeah! Yeah. You're like my Frida Kahlo, you know what I mean? Yes! You showed him. Yeah. You like my Frida Kahlo, you know what I mean?

You overcome shit and you turn it into something that's probably going to be very powerful one day. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Hey, who knows? Maybe one day Roseanne could have her own show on YouTube too. If you could. This is such a weird character to be.

I sort of feel bad for the first time ever. Like making fun of poor innocent Roseanne over here. All right. I have a new show coming to Vimeo very soon. It's Paula Deen's old show. Hey, we're on Vimeo. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's why I said it

Oh my god Alright Lila Well anything else crazy going on in life You talk about anything else new Any new material Well I've just been writing a lot you know So it's good Everything is great

Working on my show Small talk with Lila Hart you can find it on channel 310 on YouTube wow I feel like an old man no that's the name of the YouTube channel it's channel 310 alright well there you go Lila Hart everybody thank you guys so much

there she goes she's on Twitter at love Lila Hart L-I-L-A-H-A-R-T. Fuck yeah. This place is exciting. We have the brothers from Nothing But Trouble over here. I don't know if you guys remember that movie,

but Bilbo and Bobo remember those. Oh, we's just gonna get the cars. Or whatever the fuck. That's hilarious. The best part of knowing that I made that joke Is the fact that you guys are definitely gonna look that up later And it's gonna be like, fuck

That was not a compliment at all Y'all brothers for real? God damn, y'all look alike You know what I mean? You got hair and he don't. It's like a weird Nazi recruitment thing. One's a Rasta and the other loves pasta. There's Joel Berg.

Look at this. He just got here. Joel Berg lights. Who don't light something, that's hilarious. That's iffy. That's so funny. I'll just let you guys all in on it. Danny Lucas.

Make some noise for Danny Lucas, our amazing comedy store legendary lights and sound guy. Hey, what up? He made a special lighting change for in case of Joel Berg. It's such a powerful line that the whole crowd chanced.

In one hour. And he said before the show, he said before the show, hey man, if Joel Berg gets a good one, I'm going to let it rip. And we've been waiting this entire time. We were just dying to see what the lighting change would look like.

And it wasn't really a full Joel Berg, but we all wanted to see. So if you see that again when Joel Berg kills sometime. Oh my god. I thought it looked good, Danny. Thank you. The crowd goes wild. I pulled another name out of the bucket

and it is Jackson Lind. Here we go. Jackson Lind. Music. Hell yeah. Here comes Jackson Lind. Music. Hell yeah. Ba-na-na-na-na-bow. Here comes Jackson Lind. What's up? Thank you, guys. So, uh, my girlfriend recently told me that she wanted to reenact my favorite kind of porn.

Yeah, and I was excited, but then I realized I couldn't stop thinking about cuckold porn. Yeah. You know anything about cuckold porn? Well, you need an extra dick to reenact cuckold porn. So not in the cards. And I told her that. She was like, well, fuck, what's your second favorite kind of porn? I was like, well, I don't think we could reenact ebony porn.

I'm very white. You are very white. If we were to reenact ebony porn accurately, it would be way too much fun. Just kidding. It'd be really racist. And we'd all feel uncomfortable. So no. She was like, well, fuck, what's your third favorite kind of porn?

And I was like, listen, baby, you're not a Japanese schoolgirl, and I'm not five Japanese businessmen, okay? It's not going to happen. I'm sorry. Fuck yeah, Jackson Lane. That all seems like that comes from a really true place. Does that really happen? Yeah.

Yeah, I like porn. Dude, Post Malone looks awful. Post Malone if he got rolled down a... Looks like pre-Malone. Hogwarts. Oh, shit. Somebody's fired up back there. What's going on?

All it takes is a lighting change, baby. So, Jackson, this is your first time on the show? Correct. Hell yeah. You are one of the funniest hobbits we've had on in a really long time. How long have you been on stand-up? On and off.

The first time was four years ago, but I've only been doing it a couple months consistently. So, once every presidency? Yeah. Yeah. A couple times a year. But I just haven't been consistent with it.

Why do you only do it a couple times a year? I don't live in L.A. I live outside of L.A. I work often. How far away from L.A.? I live in a town called Rancho Cucamonga. Oh, I love ranch. How far away is that? I live in a town called Rancho Cucamonga Oh I love ranch How far away is that?

In minutes or hours? Two hours right? With traffic, it's an hour without traffic And what do you do out there? I live, I just live I drive for a living mostly So I'm all around driving What do you drive?

It's a shuttle company It's my dad's shuttle company I thought it was one of those Flintstone cars with the feet. Your dad has a shuttle company? Yeah. Where are you shuttling? Express Shuttles. Look it up.

Anywhere. Are a lot of people taking Express Shuttles from Rancho Cucamonga? Ontario Airport, baby. He's right. He got that market unlocked the way he said it. He's not it? Hell yeah. Wow. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah. It's fun. Is it. You saw that? Hell yeah. Wow, that's interesting.

Yeah, yeah. It's fun. Is it just you and your dad that sort of run the company? No, no. He runs it. I just work for him. Yeah, we got like nine drivers. It's a small company. How old are you? 22. 22. Yes.

And how long have you worked for your dad? Four years. Four years. What do you do for fun? Smoke weed, and I play video games and I hang out with my girlfriend. Not much more than that. That's why four years only. Most kids start working with their dad at 14 and 15.

I watch a lot of porn for fun too. Is that really true? Yeah, I do. If I'm not doing anything and I'm bored, I will watch porn. Just for fun? No jacking off or nothing? No, I'll jerk off. You a soldier. You can watch porn without jerking off.

I don't ever do it without jerking off. You watch it like everybody. People watch the game. You're just sitting there with shit. Eating popcorn. Like, hey, check this part out. Oh! He dunked on it. Oh, shit! Did you see that? This guy got a lot of stats.

Do you have any porn memberships or do you just go for the free stuff? I've been through Reality Kings. What do you mean been through? You finished it? You beat the fucking porn site? What do you mean been through? You beat the game? Reality Kings?

You're the king? Did they give you a crown? What the fuck? Are you driving a shuttle or the bang bus? What they give you a crown? What the fuck? Are you driving a shuttle or the bang bus? What are we talking about here? You realize you don't have to pay for it. You get to a point where you're like, why am I fucking paying for this? You like Ready Player One of the fucking porn.

This guy's driving for his dad's company and he's been through porn sex. What kind of life are you living? You're literally a jerk-off. That's crazy. 22, just rubbing it out. You got a special outfit? Nah.

You just wear anything. For shuttle driving? You do it in your shuttle driving outfit? Wait, special outfit for masturbating? No, just for watching porn. You went through Reality Kings. You're not watching just no regular... real you seem like the kind of guy i agree with byron you seem like you would like put on a bib or something like that for some reason like you get most people

watch porn you get ready to watch porn like yeah you got wine involved there's some milk you sit on a couch you lay down you what's your method uh to your madness uh just lay on my bed you lay on your bed on your laying on my bed with on my bed with a towel right next to me Towel right next to you Do you put a laptop on your chest? I don't want to move After you come you don't want to move So you just clean up real quick

How many times a day would you say you do? Hold on, hold on, hold on I gotta slow it down I have a few more questions and then we'll get to everybody else's questions You gotta put this in the set These are the details Hold on, hold on. So you're laying in bed. Are you in the middle of the bed?

It's a twin so I take up the full bed. It's a twin so you're jerking off on a twin bed? You have all the space to lay down a towel on some other area of a twin bed? No box spring, no mattress on the floor. Your dad missed the shuttle express and you're in a twin bed?

You might as well jerk off in the vehicle. You know what I mean? So you don't even have a... Okay. So you lay a towel next to you. You watching laptop or TV? What are we doing here? iPhone.

iPhone. Oh, shit. Do you have like the little stand for your iPhone and you put it on your chest or something like that? No, it's hands. It's hands. It's hands. It's hands. So you hold with one hand your left. You put it in your eyes ever like that, like VR style?

I've tried to watch the VR porn without having the VR goggles and you just try to cuff it up to your face and it doesn't work. It doesn't work. You literally did what I was making a joke about. That's just psychotic, really. I've been really horny when you try joke about. That's just psychotic, really. You're really horny when you try that shit. I was just

riffing, bro. You're literally like, oh yeah, totally jerked off that way. Yeah, yeah. That was like the day I beat Reality King. Hey, Tony. Hey, Tony. Look. No hands. Look. Byron Bowers tilted back with his iPhone on his face.

That's exactly right, though. Good thing I got this waterproof phone case. Oh my god. Wow. So Jackson. So is it true that you have a girlfriend? Correct, yeah. Wow. What does she like about you? What is it?

We've been together since high school So it's probably just like An old love thing Right Use old love like grandparents We have a lot of fun together We're both old souls Man Pickings of Slim

And Rancho Cucamonga You gotta take what you can Rancho Cucamonga. Hell yeah. You gotta take what you can Rancho Cucamonga get. Jackson, is there something your girlfriend does that sort of drives you crazy? She's the only girlfriend you've really ever had, right? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Something weird about her? You're like, man, I wish I could ever try anything else different. What does she do for work?

She works at Soup Plantation. So she doesn't do nothing crazy. She's into anime a lot, which I am not into. I'm not against it, but I'm like I'm not into it. Is she getting you high on her own supply over at the Soup Plantation? Alright, forget it.

Don't say plantation in front of Byron That sounds weird I'm offended by that shit What do they call people that work at the soup plantation Like soup slaves or some shit Oh my god Indentured servants Great one

He deserves an applause on that to me You know what I mean Where's my lighting change He deserved an applause on that to me. You know what I mean? So, like, what's something... Where's my lighting change? What's something you don't like about your girlfriend, Jackson? I don't see her enough. All right. She's going to watch this.

How about in the bedroom? Is there something she does in the bedroom that you don't like or that you wish you would do more of? No. She's actually really good. Maybe you don't see her enough because you've got your phone right up on your eyeball. She's actually really good. Sex life is not bad.

I love that you won't give anything away because the only woman you've ever had sex with might not fuck you if you say something too bad. Like, oh, I need to get that pussy. I mean, I can't. I don't want to throw it under the bus. Under the shuttle.

I'm the fat guy between the two of us, so if anything, it's sex. I'm the one who's lacking. She's not a little bit thicker? You have a skinny girlfriend? Yeah, she's fit. She's not fat. I think you're just saying everything right.

You're talking about this 240-pound husker like a... I mean, I could show you a picture. No, I'm kidding, Jackson. I feel bad for saying that. We're going to edit that part out of the show. No, I want to hear more about how you jerk off. Let's get technical here. I haven't got a strong enough visual yet.

I mean, honestly, I did have more questions. So it really is a left-hand hold with a right-hand jerk? Absolutely. Do you use lotions or petroleum jellies? Oh, saliva. 99% of the time, saliva. Listen to the groan. Hey, look at left-hand.

You don't have anything for this? How dare you? I do it with my right hand, so I'm holding the mic on my left. I'm shocked y'all, oh, that's saliva and not twin bed. That's crazy. Just saliva. No, you know That's crazy. Saliva. No. You know his feet hanging off that shit.

I wash my hands immediately, though. The band's saliva. Motherfucker, abs are strong as shit. You got to jerk off with your feet in the air? How long does it normally take you before start to finish? Not long. I can jerk off pretty quickly. I'm a quick masturbator.

What do you think the quickest you've ever came jerking off is? If you had to take a guess. Your all-time quickest. Go ahead. Just throw out a number. 40 seconds. 40? That's pretty long. 40 seconds. All right. We're gonna give you one more minute of stand-up.

Do it as you will. That would be funny. The 60-second challenge. Have him come back with a... All right. Forget it. That's. That would be funny. The 60 second challenge, have him come back with a, alright, forget it. That's not every time though. I'm not shooting 40 seconds every time. And when I fuck, it's different. Wow, I bet.

You've only been with one woman your entire life. If you're still prematurely ejaculating with her, that's still sad. How are you and your father's relationship? Not bad. It's okay. That's great. You got any siblings? I have four sisters.

I'm the middle child. And my oldest sister and my youngest sister are from two different dads. So my mom's been married three times. Oh man, I just started picking up. Now that's the dope shit right there. That's the shit. I love it. Yeah, Byron knows all about that. That's true.

I do know a little something about that. You know what I mean? I'm going to give you a pound on that. You know what I mean? Jackson, I'm going to ask you a question. www.rosannebarr.com All right. Good job.

Way to get that plug in. Jackson, I'm going to ask you a question here. I want you to tell the truth. You got it. All right. You promised me for this one you'll tell me the truth? Yeah. You ever hear anything coming from one of your sister's rooms and you jerk off thinking

about one of your four sisters before? Absolutely not. No. Okay. He looked up in the air, though. He thought about it. There was definitely a tell there. If I had my FBI guy here right now, I'd love to...

I had a roommate. I did that with a roommate, not my sister. That's what we need to get. We need to get a fucking lie detector test. I have this show. We need to have something that people can plug into and we look at a little meter thing. Oh, yeah. All right.

No, no, no. I've never... I've actually never heard that. How many times do you masturbate per day? Like, how bad is it? Two. Two? That's not bad. actually never heard that. How many times do you masturbate per day? How bad is it? Two. That's not bad. Two. I guess average two, sometimes one,

sometimes three. That's normal. Okay, that's enough. All right, Jackson. It was nice to meet you. There he goes. Do you have plans on taking over your father's company or you want to do something else? Absolutely not. Comedy. You want to do straight stand-up? Yeah. Absolutely. You want to do straight stand-up? Yeah, absolutely. I like acting too, but stand-up is the main goal.

Okay. Well, there you go. You have to do it more times. There goes Jackson Lin. That's true. He is... Who made that? One of the top young rising masturbators in the world. It's really incredible.

I spent too much time with him, but I had more questions. That's the thing, man. He could have went into so much more detail. I'd love to know what his dad says to him. Get your fucking life together, Jackson. You're just in the twin bed jerking off on a towel all the time.

It's funny because you always ask that question. How do you masturbate? Do you use the phone? Do you put it up? You're really interested in a guy's masturbation. If you look at it that way, which by the way makes you gay for thinking that I'm gay at all. Just goes to show where your clearly gay mind goes. When you read articles about the fucked

up shit, it's always those little details that makes you know, oh, this motherfucker did it. When the motherfucker came on his own stomach, you're like, he did that makes you know, oh, this motherfucker did it. Like, when the motherfucker came on his own stomach, you was like, he did that shit. Or when they talked about the guy putting his fingers in the mouth, you was like, yep, that sounds like something this motherfucker, I shook his hand. You know what I mean? Roseanne?

You didn't ask me how I masturbate, Tony. I think we all want to know. Roseanne, how do you masturbate? I duct tape an iPhone to my belly button, and I look down and I do squats over a Pringles can. Wow. Okay.

Is it Pringles still in the can or is the can empty? Sour cream and onion. Oh, shit. See? It's the details. You gotta give the details. Beats and timing and execution.

Roseanne Barr is live on Kill Tony. We have a regular on this show. Speaking of people like Roseanne that started here, this is a fun one. We love him. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. Since he's become a regular, he's got

everything going for him. Let's see how another new minute goes tonight from the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet. Yeah! Oh, shit. What's up? Me and my little brother, we used to watch porn growing up just for fun. And we had a remote that had a return channel just in case our mom came down the hall. It would return to, like, Nicky Lodi and the Rugrats.

I mean, one time we was watching porn, and my nana looked in the room. She was like, Lisa, that my mama. She's like, Lisa, they ain't here watching porn. Herb, get in here. And my mama run down the hall, and we'll return the channel to the Rugrats. She be like, they ain't here watching the Rugrats.

Hold up, hold up, get off the bed. We got the bed hard as fuck. Get off the bed. We got to bed hard as fuck. She'd be like, Malcolm, what are you hard for? Mama, I really fuck with Angelica. And she beat me because she wanted me to say Susie, because that's a little black girl. She asked my brother, Thomas, what are you hard for? I like Tommy.

She beat the shit out of him. Ain't raising no gay boy in my house. I'm homeless. I know it don't look like it. But my friends come up to me all the time like, Malcolm, how are you doing so well? Oh, shit. How are you doing so well? I'm like, man, it's the biggest accomplishment of being homeless that I never planned. I got food stamps and health insurance.

I'm balling. Malcolm Hatcher. Fuck yeah. Shit's hilarious, man. So relatable. I used to use that flashback button myself as a kid. I've never really heard anybody talk about it. That's fun. It's hilarious, man. So relatable. I used to use that flashback button myself as a kid. I've never really heard anybody talk about it.

That's fun. Funny stuff. What's up, Pimpy? What's up, dawg? You good? Hell yeah. You guys know each other? Is there some cool black thing going on right now?

We did a show together. That was the first time I seen him, and then I went up after him. Was it at the Apollo or something like that? That's hilarious. You missed that one. It was at the J-Spot. No, it was at the bathroom. Was it the Apollo or something like that? That's hilarious. You missed that one. It was at the J spot. No, it was at the improv. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, that's a fun new minute.

How's life going, Malcolm? Oh man, it's going good. I just did a little short film. It was tight. Yeah? You acted? Yeah, I got a role of a dude named Percy. It's pretty much me, but I just got a different name. Oh, cool. Ain't that some shit? I just did a film with a nigga named Percy. What's that?

We got the same name. They testing us. That's what they doing. Nah, we good. Y'all look alike. www.rosannebarr.com I like how he's plugging her She's a hater That's good man

Congratulations man Thanks How do you feel about the film? Oh it was straight man It was some big like stars in it Is that your first time Like acting on a real set? Yeah

Just Instagram That's all I act on Yeah This shit was big. They had multiple cameras, things like that. They put makeup on my cute ass. I don't need no damn makeup. What'd they do? Just rub a charcoal briquette on you?

I don't know how it works. It's a real question. Who my gun is? I'm kidding. That's not true. I made that joke against Michael Blackson. Tony, you are making me soaking wet right now. Oh. Yeah, it was cool, man.

They had a whole lot of snacks. That's the only reason I showed up. Oh, snacks. What's your favorite craft service snack? My favorite who? Craft service snack. That's what it's called, craft service snack. I ain't never heard of no shit like that.

Yeah, that's what they call the snacks. Shit. Goldfish. Yeah. Cheez-Its, pot tarts. Yeah, that's what they call the snacks. Shit. Goldfish. Yeah. Cheez-Its, pot tarts. The blue kind. All the shit you can get now. Nah, but the shit, they just had

Costco shit, like extra. Oh, yeah. Like lots, plenty. Hell, yeah. Motivating you to get that next part. Yeah. Malcolm, did you steal snacks from the crew? Hell yeah. I got a trunk full of shit.

Shit. I just be popping it at Red Light. Cheeto, Cheeto. What's something else cool that you learned about these tapings and filming a movie and being part of a crew and a cast and the whole thing? Anything weird happen at all? Everybody cool? Yeah, no, everybody was real cool.

They was humble because it was some like, I was looking up their Instagrams and the credits, they was like real, real famous. I was like, just continue to be me because they just everybody was like humble. I was like, damn. It was just straight. It was nice to be there because at first I didn't want to do it because I had like shows but I had to cancel them because they said they were going to pay

me and the shows weren't paying me. That's a tough decision sometimes. Yeah. But it was straight. It was cool. Wi-Fi connection at the crib was good. Are you a real Reba fan? You're wearing a Reba shirt.

Nah, man. Somebody on Instagram sent me a whole lot of vintage stuff. They sent me this Chucky watch. It just broke, man. I'm going to go stab myself out of it because y'all know I fuck with Chucky. It broke in the back. Damn. You have this Chucky watch. It just broke, man. I'm going to go stab myself out of it because y'all know I fuck with Chucky. It broke in the back. Damn. You have a Chucky doll, right?

Yeah, I love him. Chucky? You have a real Chucky Chucky doll? From the Rugrats. I went to Toys R Us and bought it. Oh, that Chucky. Yeah. Oh, no, not the little.

I used to think it's the child's play doll. Oh, I used to pee in the bed watching that. Hell no, I don't fuck with him. Yeah. Yeah, that was always the one that scared me too. Yeah. I used to pee in the bed. I don't fuck with him.

That's a real nigga answer right there. Where you from? North Carolina. Oh, that's what it is. Okay. I'm from Georgia. Georgia boy. Hell yeah.

Why you blink so much? I just got a nervous problem. That shit be fucking. Yeah, I used to have Tourette's. I mean, I probably still do. But yeah, I just... Oh, well, that's better. You got it to a blink. You know what I mean?

You still gonna scare some motherfuckers with that. I don't know if you're giving me signals because of all these white people around or what the fuck going on. And I'm misreading shit. Nigga, help me. Nigga, help me understand. Okay. They drawing you and shit. You better start running

congratulations on coming out though man cause I know sometimes leaving the south and coming out is like a big thing yeah and you gonna do probably good in this bitch most niggas don't come out of the world you get any updates recently from any of your friends back home in North Carolina anything crazy happen and everybody good there

oh yeah they good. Everybody think I made it. That shit be crazy, man. Yeah. My homeboy talking about some fly me home. I said, nigga, I'm trying to come home. You fly me home. Do you know where I sleep at?

They be tripping, man. Yeah. How's Srijoy doing? We saw Srijoy. Oh, yeah, he good, man. We went to, that boy crazy. Yeah. We was at Mel's dining yesterday, and he went in with his drawers on.

In just underwear. He was putting his pants on walking in. I said, bro, you too homeless. You got to chill out. Yeah. It's levels to it. You in the car? Yeah, I'm in the car.

I'll be at my friend's crib, but yeah, I'll be in the car. Oh, yeah. All right. As long as somebody closes by. What side of town are you on? What side of in the car. Oh, yeah. All right. As long as somebody close by. What side of town he on? What side of town? Yeah. Shit, wherever I park at.

Oh, I thought you said you park near your friend's house. Oh, we be in Burbank at the Planet Fitness, but I've been staying in North Hollywood for the last few weeks. Oh, okay. I used to do like up in where Hollywood Boulevard start where the houses are because it's safe as fuck. Oh, yeah. It's dope to wake up the people jogging and shit.

It's motivational. Yeah. It's dope to wake up to people jogging and shit. It's motivational. Lay down. You lay down. Who said that? That's great and powerful Aphrodite over there. Yeah. Alright, Malcolm. Another great minute. Another fun interview. There he is. Acting.

Taking over Hollywood. Hollywood. That's her power. Kill Tony. You guys want to go back to the bucket, huh? Meet a new stranger? Around and around we go.

Where it stops, nobody knows. Put your hands together for John Yaves. John Yaves. Here we knows. Put your hands together for John Yabes. John Yabes. Here we go. Here he comes. It's a good steady jog. How about one more time for John Yabes, everyone.

Hi, you guys. I'm masturbating lazy. I didnate lazy, you know? I didn't even take off my pants. I just unbutton the top and I stick my hand down there. And then I readjust my nutsack until I cum. But then I found out If I just finish it to the cup of my hand I don't gotta change my underwear

And then I found out If I just raise my hand up in the air like this That shit'll air dry And I could just peel it off like superglue And then I don't even have to wash my hands. And then I never have to leave my computer chair.

I thought we were talking about how we masturbate. All right, thank you guys. Wow. John Yaves, or as I call him, Slobby Lee This is the weirdest Jerk-off masturbatory episode We're almost at five years

270-something episodes I've never really had anything this crazy happen Where almost everybody's talking about jerking off And you really took it to a new low He added the details It might have been the wrong details crazy happen where almost everybody's talking about jerking off and you really took it to a new low. He added the details. It might have been the wrong details, but it was details there. You know what I mean?

Roseanne Bard. I don't know what kind of Asian you are, but you just brought dishonor to your family. www.roseannebarr.com now available on Vimeo I didn't know if he was Asian or not until he said computer chair and I was like oh this privileged ass Tony I saw the leather jacket

I was like give it up for Andrew Rice Clay oh my god wow John this is a thing Oh my God. Wow, John. This is a thing that you all are going to witness in comedy, right? You had two different people talk about the same shit. One was acceptable from one person and it wasn't from the other. And that shit works like that, you know what I mean?

Especially when it's based on appearance, you know? Asian women talking about masturbating? Cool. Asian dudes? It's like, oh, shit. No one wants to hear the description of a jerk-off by the world's tiniest sumo wrestler over here. I was going to say, how do you look like more of a little person than Lila Hart?

Oh, shit. How old are you, John? I'm 29. 29? How long have you been on stand-up? Like about two years now. Why do you always sound like you're about to laugh about something? Oh, I'm 29. Why do you blink so much? I got like a nervous thing, too.

Blinking? I haven't seen him open his eyes one time since he's been up here. Those things look... It's like you went through a 12-round boxing match, John. Pretty much how I feel. Hell, yeah. What kind of Asian are you? Roseanne had a good question.

Actually, I'm Filipino, too, so... Oh, yeah. You do just laugh after everything you say. I like that. What do you do for work? Oh, I'm a, I'm a. Oh, yeah. Wait till you get a hold of this, Tony.

Oh. Oh, man, here it comes. Oh, he's going to get me on this one. Oh, oh, oh. You're riding an Asian dirt bike? I work at Starbucks. That's why you sound like an espresso machine. I love it.

Alright, John. How long have you been working at Starbucks? All right, John. How long have you been working at Starbucks? Like a year and a half now. A year and a half. What would you do if a guy that looks like Byron Bowers came and sat inside the Starbucks and didn't try to buy anything? I'd ask him to leave.

He's stuttering, man. Are you guys hiring? We just went through training. Tell us something that happened in that training. You guys were all closed recently for sensitivity training. I work with a bunch of Hispanic people and all the videos we had to watch were old white people.

They were like, why are old white people trying to teach us how not to be racist? So it was very, like, it was pretty ineffective. I'm going to get fired over this probably, but I don't know. Of course you don't care. What do your parents do? My parents, uh,

my mom's a nurse and my dad's a nurse. I didn't want to say it, but go ahead. I'll say it. What's your dad? He's a mailman. Wow. Interesting. What's your dad? He's a mailman. Wow. Interesting. How did they meet? I don't know.

I was adopted. He was delivering a manila envelope to her house. What was that, Schulberg? He was delivering a manila envelope to her house. Ah, that's a good Philippines joke right there. I liked it. Hell yeah. So, John, so your mom's Filipino?

Yeah. And your dad's? Filipino, too. Yeah, they're both Filipino. He was delivering a mani-package to her. There you go. Fuck yeah. You're 29. I like how Danny was like, no lighting change on that one.

So, you're 29. You've been working at the Starbucks for a year and a half. What were you doing before that? I was in the Navy. For real? Why did you laugh at that? Why do you keep laughing at yourself?

I literally think you don't know what's funny, John. You're like a live tickle me air mo. Air now? It can't say L's, the Asians. Oh. www.russandbar.com You gotta stop plugging your website. Okay. What did you do in the Navy?

I was on a submarine. I was a mechanic. It was definitely yellow. You were a mechanic on the submarine? Yeah. How long did you do that for? Six years. Wow. So what made you want to not do any mechanical stuff and go into the coffee making? Oh, well, I was a pretty shitty mechanic. So when I joined, I had to take this test. And they were like, oh, you'd be a good mechanic. But I never did anything mechanical in my life.

Wow. So I said, sure, I'll be a mechanic. And I didn't know how to, like, I was pretty, I could learn, you know what I'm saying? You look like you only fix Mario karts. Did your mechanical skills ever get anybody hurt or injured or sort of put you guys at risk? Like, let me put it to you this way.

Are you a better mechanic or comedian? And which one did you have the weirdest discharge during i'll probably better comedian you know i they they they made me do a lot of the simple stuff you know i'm saying like not to like turning on the lights yeah what's the fucking simple on a submarine uh i don't like turning valves and shit. Valves and shit? Starbucks, what was your previous job in the Navy? What did you do? Turn valves and shit.

You hired. I just did whatever they told me, really. You know what I'm saying? What location is the coffee shop that you work at? I work over at Sunset and St. Andrews It's by Home Depot By the Netflix building And the Denny's There's too much detail

I would have never told y'all motherfuckers where I work He really just gave us the GPS coordinates Pretty much Wow, John, what do you do for fun When you're not doing stand-up? Yeah, I just hang out and I talk to people and shit. Yeah?

Where do you talk to these people at, John? Hey, you're a good friend if somebody got some dope on them and the cops show up, because your answers are vague as fuck. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you were doing a dating profile

and it said hobbies, you would just say you talk to people and hang out? Yeah. Oh, yeah, like, I listen good, you know?

That's a hobby? That's not a hobby. You know, like, you just... Listen good, what else? Uh, you know, like, I hang out

at your apartment, you can hang at my apartment. Who does this with you? Who hangs out with you like this? I want names. I want names of friends.

It's like two or three people. Yeah, like who? Name a name. Oh, I got a buddy named Joel. Joel, is this true? Oh, wow. Well, my roommate, but my roommate like skipped town, so I don't know. Your roommate skipped town?

Why do you think that is? I don't know. Because he saw you writing this minute of material that you presented here tonight, doing some research, jerking off in cups. You get pretty comfortable around other dudes when you serve in the submarine. Wait,

where is this going again? What's the craziest thing you ever saw in that submarine underwater? The craziest thing? Yeah, yeah. I saw a dude, like, sit in on something once, and another dude came and just, like, slapped his, like, dick on top of his forehead like this.

The Navy, ladies and gentlemen. And he told him to look up, and he looked up, and he got all pissed. Wow. What did he do? How pissed did he get? He tried to swing at it, and then everybody laughed. Wow. We're such a good storyteller.

Dick on the face, slapped it away. You know the usual Navy stuff. It was uncomfortable. We left and went and turned the usual Navy stuff. It was uncomfortable. We left and went and turned the valves and shit. I ask you how long you've been on stand-up? A couple years. A couple years. How often do you do it?

I try to get up mostly every night. You know, just open mics and, you know, like hanging out and talking. Are you usually just dirty, like when you do open mics? I feel like I got a spectrum. Not your material, your body. You're on the spectrum? Oh, my body? All right, John.

Your name is so not Filipino. John Yaves. Yeah, Hispanic people keep telling me my last name means keys. So I'll just go with that. Yeah, Yaves. Wow. Yeah. What's your relationship like with your parents?

It's all right. They don't know what I'm doing, and I try to explain it to them, but they still don't understand. They don't understand what you're doing? What do you mean? They don't have Starbucks in the Philippines? No, they don't know what stand-up is. You know, like... Oh.

Show them a video of somebody else doing it. Yeah. So I'm Joe Coy. Yeah. That guy took all the good jokes, so... Man. All right, John. Well, thanks for coming on the show. It's good to meet you. Man Alright John Well thanks for coming on the show

It's good to meet you There he goes John Yates There he goes John Yates What do you think? One more time And then we'll wrap this shit up

Let's do a quickie A little quickie Let's do a quickie. Let's fly through one more. Get out of here. Okay. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jeff Klein. Jeff Klein. Is that a name?

I'm not seeing any movement. I pulled another name out. How about Yama Nicolay? Yama Nicolay. Here we go. One more time for Yama Nicolay. So we're going to play a game of Is it racist? Alright

Is it racist To say all black people look alike? Is it racist to say it in a room full of Ethiopians? No And if you don't know the difference between black people To know why it's not racist To say it in a room full of Ethiopians, you're a racist. That's how that game works.

So I hate white people, but I don't know how to feel about Chinese people. I feel like they've deceived me because they're a minority here, but they're a majority of the world's population, which makes them a super majority. And I feel like they've become fat-free white people, like all the benefits but none of the guilt. I think it's because they did it the right way. All their oppression and genocide is against other Asian people. So they don't see race. They only see the communist agenda. All right. Hell yeah. Yemma.

How do I say your name again? Yemma. Yemma and Kelly. You pretty much, yeah, you hit it pretty hard. Hell yeah. Nice to meet you. This is your first time on the show, right? Second.

What happened last time? What would have made me of how that went? The first time I was on here was November 23rd, 2016. I know that because that's the last time anyone mentioned me on Twitter. I used to be on Instagram, but that's the last time I got a mention on Twitter. And apparently I mentioned people with autism because I used to work with kids with autism. Yeah, I looked this up yesterday and I was like, oh shit, I need to work with kids with autism. Yeah, I looked this up yesterday, and I was like, oh, shit, I need to tweet some. Hell yeah.

Is your name West African? Yeah, Nigerian to be specific. Uruguay or? Igbo. Igbo? Yeah, you got that demeanor, boy. You going to tune up the Asa Benyus? No, I mean, just for the way.

I know. You did the Ethiopian thing, and I was like, oh, this is an inside. This is like shit Africans talk against other Africans. You know what I mean? But to me, I can't tell y'all apart. I can kind of tell y'all apart, but I know, you know what I mean? What kind of? What kind of?

I'm just a nigga from the south. But I got Nigerian friends, so I know, you know, like you're going to come across aggressive. We all Westside Wakanda niggas. It's all the same shit. I'm straight from Atlanta in a test tube, nigga. Do you always say in your act that you hate white people? I do just like to throw it in there. I don't have.

He said that was an ingredient. I don't have any country in my speak. I sound too white, and so people just think I'm picking a side, and I'm like, no, I just have to make sure that I don't get called an Uncle Tom. White people mean to you a lot? I grew up in the burbs. I grew up in Palos Verdes, so I definitely have lots of firsthand white people being racist to me directly stories.

Really? Yeah, but it's not oppressive. It's just my feelings hurt. We can invite black kids over, but not systematic poverty and shit. I still got to live in the burbs at the end of the day. Right. Why did you get to live in the burbs? What do your parents do? My mom's a lawyer. My dad

is an engineer. Wow. Did not see that coming. Well, hell yeah. You were born and raised in Palos Verdes and now you still live there? You make the drive? Now you live around here.

No, I live in Pico. Hell yeah. Do you always dress like you're going to medical school? I abandoned blue jeans. I don't know why. I haven't worn a pair of blue jeans, at least to do stand-up in three years. Did the guy who stole your clothes from

ask you why so serious? Oh my god. That's an unbelievable reach by Joel Berg. Unbelievable reach. You guys hear that? Unbelievable reach. That's the quality I bring to this show. right back to you in the studio tony what what did you do what did you do before a stand-up um i used to before i started doing stand-up i was teaching it i was a teacher in nigeria i taught english out there how was it going back? It was dope.

Like, it's super easy to date anyone you want, but, like, it's kind of prostitution. Like, everybody, like, girls expect you to, like, pay for all their shit. But, like, if you're willing to pay for all their shit, you can pretty much date whoever you want. What's the difference between that and Paula Furness? Yeah. Calling my girlfriend a hooker? Kind of. Are you calling Red Band's girlfriend a hooker?

What are you doing, man? Step up. Wow, that's fun. So, and you do what for work? I work for Save the Children. I do canvassing. I'm a nigga who stands outside grocery stores and tries to get people to donate to children.

You're one of those Nigerians that do it in person versus online through them weird-ass emails. I fucking hate that shit. Yeah, there's some of those. Where's your other hustle? Because I know you got another one. Nah, other hustle is comedy.

He does a lot of Fanta commercials. Wow. All right. How about hobbies? What do you do for fun? Roseanne Barnes. Okay, okay. I'm a comic book guy I'm big in video games, comic books

Just nerdy shit in general Anime and all that type of stuff I try to make my own comic books and shit Do you fuck with any other chicks Besides Africans? Not no more I'm wifed up now I have a girlfriend now.

Is she African? Yeah, she's Nigerian. Damn, that always happened to my Nigerian homeboys. Some racism in there somewhere, I suppose. What is it about her that you think makes her so special to you? She's one of the few people I consider smarter than me. Wow. Does she hate white people too? She's one of the few people I consider smarter than me. Wow. You need better friends.

Does she hate white people too? Yes, but she's smart enough not to say it directly. Right. That's why. Yeah. You throw it in whenever you can. Just sprinkle it in there. How your parents feel about what you do?

They have to deal with it. Like it's. You first generation? Yeah so it's yeah yeah as long as yeah do i i don't ask them for money no more so that's pretty much where it is is they don't give me shit like that and i can do whatever i want how old are you uh 28 28 fuck yeah have you ever sold chocolate to your parents? What the fuck? Wait, what? Oh, I see. Because of the canvassing job.

I don't think it's really like chocolate selling that he's selling. Anything he sells is chocolate selling. Okay, okay. I used to sell chocolate, but I got a girlfriend. I can't do that shit no more. All right, whatever. I used to sell chocolate, but I got a girlfriend. I can't do that shit no more. All right, whatever. Gotcha. What does that mean? Okay, no, stop it, Brian.

God damn it. I'm so happy that two Africans were on the show because I hear you play the Lion King thing for fucking Haitians and Jamaicans and shit. One of my favorite things. Pretty much everybody gets it. So, speaking of having two different Africans on stage tonight, is there any beef between Nigeria and South Africa? Is there a thing

Nigerians fight with people a lot? Most African countries is beef is between within their own countries yeah like most of them is self-dating america we had the east coast rappers versus the west coast rappers yeah exactly and or we have pusha t versus light-skinned niggas uh no um Everybody in Africa kind of has beef with South Africa because they're the white representative to the world, and so it's like we're all kind of jealous. How do y'all feel about black Americans? I mean, how do your family in particular,

because I know how some feel about us. Can you say it openly like you said, talk about white people? I have a whole bit about it, but it's like, it's pretty much as much as black people make fun of Africans Africans make fun of them just as much the same silly type of shit like

yeah not in front of company I don't feel comfortable can you just give us one small example of something racist you've heard your dad say come on he's not giving you money anymore anyway you can give us one small example of something racist you've heard your dad say. Come on, he's not giving you money anymore anyway. You can give us a little example of something that you've overheard your dad say. It's not going to be a little example.

I'm going to lose half my black friends after this. Well, I'll tell you what happened to me, because I'm black. When I first went over to the Nigerian house, I had to get introduced as the white man's wolf. Wow, I'm adding that to my spank bag right here. I feel like I feel like they were just fucking with you. So you haven't went that far yet, huh?

Yeah, I ain't. No example of something racist that you've heard your dad say? One day I came back home and it was a whole bunch of like it used to bother me when i was in like elementary like african booty scratcher and like you know there's a lot of arguments i've lost to just shut your african ass up there's no punch line that's all they say and then my dad said next time they say something to you look him in his face and, that's why my grandfather sold your grandfather. That's a good joke.

That's a good joke. It's a lot to give a 10-year-old, though. Wow. Not a thing from Africa. That's the beginning. You know what I mean? I just squirted. My goodness.

I get it but that is a very good to me true story that shows the relationship just in that one joke it just shows the relationship between you know Nigerians or Africans and black people just sums it up

you know what I mean so I think jokes like that need to be told to me you know what I mean I I think jokes like that need to be told to me you know what I mean I agree and I think that yeah absolutely that's one of the you know more interesting ones of the night joke wise I'm going to ask you one more question before we wrap this whole thing up

you said that you hate white people right you called push a T push a T and you didn't even refer to Drake by name you call him the light skinned guy so my question is this

is there basically like the darker you are the cooler you are with them like straight up or is it like I guess what I'm asking is do you respect light skinned Africans less than dark skinned Africans well

why is the malaria bird here he opened with an Ethiopian joke which are lighter Africans you know what I mean I do not have any issues with people based on complexion.

Just white people. But, yeah, there's a whole – I was going to try and – I figured out that I couldn't do that. He on first 48. He on first 48 right now. Well, sir, you want a cigarette? Maybe we'll start next week's episode with your answer from the end of tonight's episode. Well, I don't dislike people because they're light-skinned,

but I don't like a lot of light-skinned people when you refer to Drake, Steph Curry, the Warriors. There's a long list of light-skinned niggas who I don't fuck with, but it's not because they're light-skinned. The American came out of them. He called them niggas. I like that. USA. Since you wanted to answer it that way, I have one more question for you. Who's your favorite ever light-skinned? LL Cool J.

God damn. We don't even consider him light-skinned. That's like... God damn. How black are y'all? How black are y'all? How dark are y'all? It's LL light. Shit. He's like Wesley Snipes.

I'm scared. I see why I was the white man's wolf then. Yemma Nicolay, everybody. There he goes. Come on. He's on Twitter at Comedy Yem Yem. Yemma Yem. Y-E-M-A-Y-E-M.

And that's what an episode of Kill Tony looks like, live from the Comedy Store. This is the drawing while you all sat there and did nothing. Look what Ryan J. Ebel drew up. Shit. Including the Kill Tony posters. All of his prints of each individual show are available at RyanJEbel.com.

TonyInchcliffe.com for a bunch of fun tour dates coming up and those Kill Tony dates. Portland, Cleveland, Nashville, Grand Rapids, Lansing, Detroit.

Oh, shit. Okay. And Byron Bowers, what do you got coming up, coming out? Anything you want to plug? Anything crazy? Milano Punchline

this weekend. I'm going to be in Denver in August. Look at my calendar. I'm going to be in the La Jolla Comedy Store. I'm going to be at Denver in August. Look at my calendar. I'm going to be in the La Jolla Comedy Store. I'm going to be at Denver Improv, Denver Comedy Festival, High Plains Comedy Festival,

and I just shot a movie called Honey Boy about Shia LaBeouf's biopic. Follow Byron Bowers on everything. ByronBowersLive.com and Byron Bowers. There you go. Y'all were great tonight. Give yourselves a round of applause, man.

Heck yeah. Guy broke his arm today, but you wouldn't have known it. The great and powerful Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. And Jeremiah Watkins. Oh, my God. She keeps spitting on the sacred main stage of the Comedy Store. No respect. This is the stage of the Comedy Store. No respect. This is the stage you were discovered on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roseanne, anything else you want to plug? I know there's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out. What else? Yeah, with Kalilah from Tiger Belly. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Also, go to killtony.tv.

All the episodes in one place on video. And then follow me on social media at Jeremiah Sten. Thanks guys. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Chroma Chris everybody. For those of you that like underdogs

Chroma Chris John Goodman. What's going on over there? Anything you want to plug? Turn the music down. Yeah, you can check out my band Friday Night in Anaheim. Drack and the Swamp Rats are playing at the Doll Hut. Also, my other band, the Chroma Keys, are playing the Freak Show Saturday at Globe Theater. Also, my other band.

Spider Tear has a new video dropping this week so you can check me out on Instagram. You can catch any one of his three unsuccessful bands, ladies and gentlemen. That's incredible. He's also going to be backing up me for the national anthem.

Oh shit. How about you make some noise for Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez backing up me for the national anthem. Oh, shit. Oh, dang it. How about you make some noise for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everybody. Yeah, there's that lighting switch. Look at that. What could have been. Joel Berg, what's up?

I'm mostly sorry. I want to say thanks to San Francisco. They came out to see me, Jeremiah, and Pat this weekend. Company Psycho is the setup. Thank you for coming out. All right, bye. Joelberg, we love you. He's a goddamn stone-cold killer.

Brian Redban, everybody. Get the new Kill Tony shirt at shopsquad.tv. It's shipping right now. Hell yeah. Live audience, thank you so much. We love you. We're making history again with another beautiful episode of Kill Tony. We'll see you next week with two super special secret guests.

And then the week after that, it's Joe Rogan two super special secret guests and then the week after that's Joe Rogan and Dom Irer and then the week after that is Tom Segura. There's still tickets available for that Tom Segura episode. That might sell out too. So get tickets. Go to the Comedy Store website. It's the only way to do it. Have a good night everybody.

But you know it's cause I love you The foundation of my Malevolence You know I'd never hurt you baby Sometimes I might Get edgy But a man can sometimes be that way Nobody's

Perfect baby And I'll always love you anyway Oh Gabrielle. The sun is shining in your eyes. Oh, Gabrielle. I, I, I, I, I, I, I. We make this dance.