KILL TONY - KILL TONY #271

Episode Date: June 15, 2018

Kirk Fox, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/11/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me. Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. At BMO, we know every business is unique. Hey, I'm Ash Phillips. And I'm Miro Laflaga.

We co-founded Sis Sanquiem, a creative agency that helps entrepreneurs build their brands. You have unique goals. We want to grow the Sis Sanquiem team to help more brands reach their creative potential. And need unique business banking tools to help you get there. The BMO eBusiness plan makes our day-to-day banking easier so we can focus more on the next step for SysSanKyem. Be ready for your next step with no monthly fees and no minimum balance with the BMO eBusiness plan. Terms and conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you can find all the past episodes,

including video portions of all the shows and all the stuff that we do at Death Squad. You can also check out our tour dates. Click on tour dates, and there you can get tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Or we are always on the road. We are coming to Detroit. We are coming to Detroit.

We are coming to Indiana. We are even maybe Cleveland. A bunch of new dates are being added all the time. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website that has some tour dates on there. Also, and all the information you need of the Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew every episode.

He drew the poster. He drew the book. Go to his website to get a bunch of cool shit. Go to RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have all the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including death squad

hats and mugs and shirts. But we also have the new kill Tony number two shirt. Uh, the second shirt that we've done,

uh, that's up for preorder right now. So get in your preorders so you can guarantee your shirt. Uh, just click on kill

Tony by going to shop squad dot TV. All right, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray. I'm coming to you live from the road,

famous comedy store, main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Fuck. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world.

Unbelievable. Brian Redband is here. Brian J.E. Belt over there already drawing tonight's episode. We got Josh Martin running around. Look at this little boy in a basketball jersey. Huh? Wow.

Somebody let the Special Olympics out early. What a cutie pie. I'm excited to be here. Tonight is our last show before the five-year anniversary next week. But before that, we're going to do another Kill Tony in Portland, Oregon on Sunday night. I'm also doing a weekend of stand-up shows there. But let's face it. If you're listening to this and you live in Portland, guess where you're going? Fucking Kill Tony on Sunday night. I'm also doing a weekend of stand-up shows there, but let's face it, if you're listening to this

and you live in Portland, guess where you're going? Fucking kill Tony on Sunday. The week after our five-year anniversary, the great Tom Segura is going to be here as our guest. How fucking cool is that? Huge, huge guest the week after that and the week after that. Such big, crazy guests that I'm literally

not allowed to announce their names. Are you serious? Isn't that weird shit? Are you telling me'm literally not allowed to announce their names. Are you serious? Isn't that weird shit? You want me to do it right now? Oh. Yeah. That's awesome. So then we go to Skankfest in New York City. Our annual

trip there where we might be stuck playing basketball against some other podcasts. Jeez. I'm going to have Brian be in charge of rebounds. Just box them out. Speaking of boxing out, the great Aphrodite has just arrived. Look at that for you

Kill Tony fans. That's what it looks like. Whoa! Fuck yeah! I love it. She's got her own little entrance. We're doing a Kill Tony in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and that's after we do a run in Cleveland. Kill Tony Cleveland. Tickets are officially on sale.

A lot of people have been bugging me about that link. It is live for Cleveland Hilarities. We do a stand-up show, all of us. And then the next day, or maybe it's, I have it switched, but August 1st or 2nd, one of those two days is a Kill Tony one. It's a stand-up show, and then we do Fort Wayne. Then I do a weekend in Lexington. You're going to be there for some of those two days is a Kill Tony. One's a stand-up show, and then we do Fort Wayne. Then I do a weekend in Lexington.

You're going to be there for some of those shows. And then we go to Nashville, Tennessee, August 12th for Kill Tony Nashville. It's our second or third Kill Tony there. Ralphie May, always a guest. The late, great Ralphie will not be a guest this year. Spoiler alert. That is not the name I whispered in a red band's ear for guests that I'm not allowed to announce. Hey, he was my friend.

Shut the fuck up. Can't groan my jokes about my own dead friend. All right. September 20th, Lansing, Michigan. September 21st, Grand Rapids, Michigan. September 22nd, Detroit, Michigan. And, I mean, when I'm talking about not being allowed to announce things, we have huge Kill Tony announcements coming up in the next week or two when it comes to where we are going.

Let's just say, all right, no, I won't even say that. Hey, the Kill Tony shirt is available right now at the box office. If you didn't know, you can get by it right there at the front. I was just going to say for the first time ever, you are the first audience that has the potential to buy the brand new Kill Tony shirt, which we enough pays homage to the Comedy Store. It's home here, and it's also available at shopsquad.tv. Also, fun fact that I just found out right before the show started. Next week, Ryan J. Belt is bringing 50 custom-made five-year anniversary prints. So only 50 people in that crowd will be able to get it.

So by the time you listen to this, you fucked up. Never had a chance. RyanJEBelt.com for all the other posters and prints. Kill Tony draws every episode, and let's get this thing started, shall we? Every single week, I have one of the funniest guests in the world, one of our favorite comedians. And coming up on our five-year anniversary, I figured I would go with truly one of the best at being of our favorite comedians, and coming up on our five-year anniversary, I figured I would go with

truly one of the best at being a guest on this show, truly one of the funniest comedians, someone who we love, love, love here at Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great Kirk Fox, everybody! Come on! His special's on Showtime. That guy.

He'll be here tonight. You can sit right here. Heck yeah. The great Kirk Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. This is all happening. Excited to be here, Tony. Hell yeah.

This is it, man. This is where dreams come true. I'm excited about it. It's quiet. Congratulations on the baby. You're now a daddy. Yeah. That's what they say, man. It's quiet. Congratulations on the baby. You're now a daddy. That's what they say, man. It's a father.

I created life. There's a girl that will eventually also hate me, so that's good. I'm pumped about this. I'm pumped to have you back. Thank you, Tony. It's good to look at you. It's always creepy. I was looking at one of my favorite pieces of art,

the Kill Tony, the book from Ryan J. E. Belt. And I was spanning through it earlier, admiring how many fun episodes we've had together. Yes, Tony. I like a lot of those drawings. There's a few of them that capture most of me. It's good. Well, a lot of people... I mean, I feel that the momentum is pretty strong right now

I had something loaded up there right before that moment which you called it out, but I guess I'll just keep moving on we've set the bar pretty low let's just keep shitting on the show, we have an hour and a half left if we take care of it now, maybe they'll believe us towards the end a lot of people who are wondering who the second guest is tonight, it is Kirk's mustache. We give it its own chair. It stays with Kirk.

I like that. But we like to keep a chair empty just for it. I'll move to that chair if I have to. If that mustache wants to grab that microphone at any point and riff on its own, it's free too. The hat's already there, so it knew what was coming. And a fun fact is that we have a band. You guys like bands? Huh? Yeah. Oh, longer?

That's what the bump was? Oh, alright. I mean, our band needs no introduction, but I'm gonna give it a long one anyway. Because I guess I got a bump that says they're still getting ready. So, you know, fun times. The fucking band.

Feel good about it. Is the band supposed to be out here? It started off, remember when we had the Iron Patriot? The old superhero? I do remember that. That was a good time for him. Now it's turned into a whole goddamn band. A lot of people say they're the best damn band in the land.

Uh... Are we waiting for the land? You know, there's so many funny things that they do every week. They commit to different characters and they have to stay in character. I never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's just like them. So this will be a surprise to everybody. Indeed. And then they stay in character throughout the entire show. What happens if they break character? Sometimes that happens. They don't even realize that they did it. And nothing really happens, not much. I just sort of say, hey, what happened to the character?

And they sort of go. I just want to know what I should be bracing myself for, Tony. Like if I'm watching them and suddenly they're not what I thought they were, I just want to know how I should behave. If that happens, we're all going to go through it together. And with nothing further to hold out for, I now give you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins,

Joelbert Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Always way too long of an introduction. What is this? Oh my god. You've got to be kidding me. Is this the Founding Fathers? Oh, look at the swagger on this one. Wow, some real revolutionaries.

I didn't realize they all wore tube socks. Fuck yeah. Okay. Man, I like it. I love it. This is fucking incredible. We have Jeremiah Watkins, who is clearly tonight the character of Snow White. And you are the witch.

Hello, revolutionary man. How's it going? Hello, Tony. It is fantastic to be here. Wow, so that's how you're going to talk all night. Okay. And that is how you always talk. You're a real asshole.

Jesus. All right. Respect your forefathers. Do you have a name or anything like that? Who's that guy sitting next to you? General Chris. Famous general. He won a big battle.

General Chris. And back here we have a Mexican grandmother who just escaped out of a mental hospital. I don't know what the fuck. Joel, how are you? I fought for your freedom! What? Alright. Fuck yeah, remember the Alamo

or something like that. Well, the pieces are in place. This isn't even the show, people. This is just the fucking setup for it. I here have a bucket filled with people's names that signed up earlier in the night for the chance to get pulled out and perform 60 seconds in front of us and then

talk to us afterwards. It's a little interview. Maybe we find out that they killed somebody or that they're good at rollerblading while yo-yoing. You never know what's going to happen. If they killed somebody, we should probably plan on what to do. We should have a plan. We really should. I got backup.

Good. We got some soldiers here. I got backup. Good. We got some soldiers here. I have killed many men. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, Earl. She's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this thing? It's Kill Tony.

the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to start this thing? It's Kill Tony. Four years and 51 weeks of Kill Tony. Fuck yeah. All right. And your first human being getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds here tonight goes by the name of Angel Pitts. Angel Pitts.

Here we go. Here comes Angel Pitts. Angel Pitts. Here we go. Here comes Angel Pitts. I know what y'all are thinking and no, I am not a little boy. But it's okay. It works out for me because I get to skip all kind of lines for the bathroom. I can go to anyone I want. lines for the bathroom I can go to anyone I want

that's the price I pay to be androgynous here I don't know if y'all noticed but I've been on a diet been dropping some LB's I've been kicked out of a library for fucking eating librarians said hey there's no food allowed in here I said

bitch I'm pregnant my baby need the brain food. Leave me alone. I'm so excited. Shit. I got a blunt after the show. Is it a cat? Oh, shit. I'm a girl. And I've sucked a dick before. All right. Well, you can explain yourself on that one. I love it. Time flies when you're having fun, Angel Pitts. How you doing?

How's it going, Tony? Good. How are you? Oh, wait. The General Jeremiah has something to say. Yes, Tony. What is a library? Hell yeah. I believe she meant library.

Oh! Angel, did you really get kicked out of a library? Hell yeah. Over there in Sun Valley. They said, hey, what the fuck are you eating here for? I'm like, man, I'm hungry. What were you eating? Cheetos.

What were you reading? Daniel. The Cheeto bag. Something Carnegie. How to influence people and win friends. Cheetos, man. That helps. Yeah.

Yeah, the self help books Hell yeah What did you mean there at the end when you said I'm a girl And I've sucked a dick where were you going with that Was there more to come or were you just Filling time I honestly didn't think I was going to get up here I come here all the time I never get pulled

How long have you been coming here For the past like three months Three months And then you got pulled. Fuck yeah. And then it happened. It did. All right.

So why'd you say you sucked a dick? Because I don't think a lot of people will believe me, but I got jaws and they work. Wow. Look at that. There's some real passion there. I would never put those jaws to work. I don't think I've ever doubted someone if they've said they sucked a dick. It's pretty easy to open your mouth.

I'll suck your dick, Jeremiah. Whoa. No, you will not. It's 2018. Jeremiah, I don't know if you have a say in this. It's 2018 Jeremiah I don't know if you have a say in this It's 2018 We're gonna start raping men Nope It's 1776

And you're not allowed in my house Oh I can come in whenever I want. Your grandpa fucked my mom. Wow. All right, Angel. Angel, relax. It's not a real revolutionary man. Most certainly did not.

I have the purest of skin. Okay, Angel, over here. How long have you been doing stand up? July 17th this year Marked my first year of doing it July 17th Of this year Hasn't happened yet Time traveler

I started last year July 17th of this year Marked one year. You said it in the past. You know that, right? Yeah. Still hasn't happened. I don't know if maybe it happened since you said it.

Oh, no, no, no. I started like last year. This is going to be my first year actually doing it. Fuck yeah. Now it makes 100% sense. See what I did there? Just called you out on your common thing. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I'm just taking it in. July 17th. That's, I think, 13 days after your guy's big party, right? It's a July 4th joke for you, anyway. So now you base a lot of your act on that people don't know if you're a boy or a girl. Is that it? A lot of things happen to me, and I write them down,

and I try to make the best out of it as possible. How old are you, Angel? I'm 21. That's awesome. What do you... Fuck yeah, look at a bunch of old people clapping for the age of 21.

Oh, very impressive, 21. Wow, I wonder what that's like. You're very likable. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a busser at Cross and Glendo, right across the street from the Americana. Fuck yeah. You're a busser.

Yeah, a busser. You're not even going to say whether you're a bus girl or a bus boy. You're just going to call yourself a busser right down the middle. Yeah, I'm androgynous. Hell yeah. Now, what does that mean to you when you say that? It means... It means gross. Yeah. Hell yeah. Now, what does that mean to you when you say that? It means gross. Oh, come on, General Jeremiah.

Don't mind him. He's from a different time. I like him a lot. Yeah. I have a crush on him. He don't even know it. Is that really true? Yeah, I like his nose.

Oh, what the fuck? Oh, wait. I've never seen the general smile like that. Look at him. You might be able to get in that house. I've never done this before, but if it's possible, if I could just ask Jeremiah Watkins one question for a second.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to get an answer out of this, but Jeremiah himself. Jeremiah, has a girl ever told you in your life that they're into your nose? It is a fetish for some women. Fuck yeah. I guess some women are just into beaks.

You know what I mean? Just fucking gonkers. Okie dokie. And I guess some women are into human skeletons with too much confidence. All right. All right. You did beat me in that weight gain challenge. Can't gain weight.

Ha, ha, ha. He's a skeleton. Ha, ha. All right, Angel. So you've been doing stand-up for almost a year. You're bussing tables at a restaurant. Are you from L.A.? No, I'm actually from Texas.

Get the fuck out of here is probably what they said to you a lot back in Texas. Yeah. What part of Texas? Central Texas, like Austin, Killeen, Fort Hood. And how long have you been in L.A.?

Since September of last year. Since September of two years from now. Fuck yeah. What else do you do for fun, Angel? For fun, I like to kick it

with my girlfriend. I like to hang out and watch movies. You have a girlfriend girlfriend? Yeah, you were actually hitting on her one time. You touched her elbow on accident.

Okay. So that's not hitting on her if it's an accident. Yeah, you really scared me there for a second. Like, oh, fuck. I'm going to be in big trouble for this one. Amazing sentence structure, you know? Yeah, it's a different... It's Texas.

You sound like you're from Texas. I am. 16 years, born and raised. Hell yeah. Mostly born. Born and raised. Hell yeah. Mostly born. Oh, yeah. How long have you been with your girlfriend? We've been rocking it for four years.

Involved in what? When you say involved in it. Oh, we've been doing the nasty. How nasty is it? Very fucking nasty. Tell her to clean it out. We got pictures on Tumblr. We're making pictures in our loud. You got pictures on Tumblr. Ha ha.

You got pictures in Tumbleweed? Yeah. No, on Tumblr. Tumblr.com. Wait, you have pictures of you what? We're licking each other. Oh shit. What's the address? Yeah, look it up. What Tumblr?

SSMBV. I didn't realize your website was a license plate. What is it again? Can you repeat that? What is it? SSMB? I think that's what you should open with when you come out. She's saying no.

She's not giving us the right address. I don't think your girlfriend wants to plug that. I love you. Okay, over here. Angel Pitts. Is that your real name, Angel Pitts? Actually, my real name is Deja, but a lot of people like to add that stupid-ass vu at the end, so I just said, nah, y'all just going to call me Angel.

I hate having to explain my name to people. How does that go with the DMV? Is that a pretty simple procedure? No, I like to keep it professional with the DMV folk. So I use my government name when I slap my government ID on there. Nice. Yeah. What made you pick Angel?

Is that your favorite kind of food cake? No, it's just that, no, it's like my grandma told me a long time ago that, like, I have a... What are you doing back here? He's trying to not laugh. This general is a real stiff. He's hiding his nose so you can focus. I think General Chris needs to do something about it.

Angel, do you ever wear a bra? Hell no. We boycotting that shit all year long. Those things are hanging like motherfuckers. Oh, yeah. Those are just... I'm going to call out the elephants hanging like motherfuckers. Oh, yeah. I'm going to call out the elephants in the room right now. I don't wear bras because

it suffocates and I get sweaty. It's too girly for you. Breathe a nipple. Look at that dirty whore right there. You free him first, lady. Is that why you went with angel pits instead of tits? No. Okay, lady. Is that why you went with Angel Pitts instead of tits? No.

Okay, Brian. Angel Pitts. You're out of control. Is there anything crazy? I'm looking at your girlfriend of four years. She is very beautiful. You must be a mad woman in the bedroom, huh? Crazy.

You put those jowls to work? Oh, yeah. You ever bring the Cheetos to bed? Actually, we like to smoke a lot of weed and the Cheetos is our choice of munchie. Oh, why wouldn't it be? And then we have to do this thing right here

before we get to work because we don't like no crumbs and ice cracks. Goddamn. Battle roast. Do you have any special tricks that you use in the bedroom or anything like that? Like I'm sure there's a lot of,

you know, like guys here that would want some advice. Besides confusion? We like to do that one thing 69. Hell yeah. You're on bottom? But in what order? We like to take turns.

We do rock, paper, scissors. Really? Mostly scissors, I'm betting with you two. Yeah. I have an incredible sex life. I bet you do. No, I can actually feel that. That's sort of what I'm curious about.

But you don't have any special tricks that you think only you do that you could teach us or anything? Like some type of crazy thing that you do with your tongue or anything like that? I always feel like... Let me just share anything like that? I always feel like... Let me just share something with you. I always feel like lesbians have superpowers. I feel like they have to compensate sometimes for a dick

not being there. When it comes to sexual activity, I've always felt like just a mouth might not be enough. Well, that's when a nose comes in handy. Right, exactly. Is that what you want to do with Jeremiah? You just want to use his nose as a dildo? I want to use Jeremiah as my personal rag doll.

Wow. Jeremiah? I really liked your work in the movie Holes. Shit. I've never seen that movie, but that joke fucking killed me. Seems like it's a good joke. She's related to Madame Zeroni. I don't get it, but he's getting massive applause, so I'll let it go.

You fucking love holes more than anybody, right, Angel Pits? A-R-M-P-I to the T. Who you smelling, dog? Yo, that's me. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't know what that was. I don't know what it was, but let's never do it again. Ladies and gentlemen, Queef Latifah.

Chris Burning Cross. Okay. Kirk, any other thoughts about Angel? You're in it a few months. You have a great fucking personality. If you really dig deep and just say shit that maybe... Don't try to do what you think will work. Fucking just speak from the heart and see if it works.

When you said the thing about the dick and the sucking it, and I go, what do you mean by the dick? I've had a dick on my mouth. And then you said the jealous thing, you got immediately a bigger laugh than you got in your whole set just by saying something that you probably didn't even think was going to kill that hard, right? So there you go.

That's an example of what my advice is. Here's what I think. You came across very angry, and I don't think you are. I think you're just, you seem like a happy kid. So if you come out and just light up the room and smile, I mean, when you smile, it's funny. So don't come out and just get, just don't get angry. But that's what I'm saying. If you came out and just smiled and didn't even say a word it'd be better than

saying I'm a girl. That confused me and it still does. I get confused when straight dudes hit on me too. Yeah just get out there and talk about what's on your mind. But don't yell at the crowd. Just talk. Angel I think you're very promising. It was nice to meet you tonight. I got high hopes for you. Hell yeah, sure. Angel Pitts. She's on Twitter at Weird Hippie.

Fuck yeah. Let's just keep the whole fun train moving along, shall we? Send your Tumblr to me later. Oh yeah, Brian still wants that Tumblr. Please. She's got good hair. Her hair's alive. More volume than the sound system

here at the comedy store. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This definitely is a new name. Serene Weirasekira. Oh, she's here? Serene Weirasekira. Oh, she's here? Serene Weirasekira. Oh, come on.

I know this name has to be here. Serene Weirasekira. You guys know her, comedians? No. Or him? All right, then. Blacklisted. Maybe that's the name of the person that made this.

It's Ichabod. Legend from Vegas. Ichabod. He Vegas Ichabod he's basically like a human corpse that loves the show it's mind-boggling I fought beside Ichabod I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Rob love Rob love I don't see movement people sign up and then they get scared or something weird happens. What the fuck?

Blacklist. There's a lot of names in there. They're all trying to network with the talent. Some of them aren't even here. They're out there all trying to make it. It's not going to happen. Put your hands together for Michael Kradjny. Michael Kradjny?

There we go. Of course, the farthest corner. After 60 seconds of dead air, of course, it's going to be, he's sitting right there. Somebody coming? Someone coming? This looks like a character. Here he comes. We've seen him before.

Michael Krasny, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to do a little impression for you guys. This is my impression of Kermit the Frog pitching Harvey Weinstein back in the day. Okay, hi, Harvey. Hi, it's me, Kermit the Frog. Times are a little rough. I've got a great movie idea for you guys.

So what we're going to do here... Harvey, if you can keep your shirt on, I'd really appreciate it. Okay, anyway, so me and the guys, we're going to get into a van, and we're basically going to go around to all the different comedy clubs. The pants too, Harvey? Okay. Oh, geez. Well, I guess it is a little hot in here, so take off all your clothes.

Oh, jeez. Well, I guess it is a little hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Oh, jeez. Okay, so basically the... Oh, I really want to make this movie, Harvey, so if you insist. Okay, well, guys, so the idea of the movie is I'm just going to shut up and... Wow. Oh, jeez. Let me just tell you something, right? Stop, stop, stop, stop. Let me tell you something right here stop stop stop stop

let me tell you something right now out of all the stuff that's ever happened that was the worst you managed to take every note that we've ever given every comedian except for I will give you this fucking nailed the 60 seconds buddy unbelievable un-fucking-real

every other aspect of that. Just the bad old-school Kermit, the predictable everything. Oh, geez, come on. And then you play into it? Like, I mean, how do I work with you every week? It boggles my mind. You creep.

Oh, you fuck. Anyway, so, Michael, what did you think was gonna happen? And why do you walk around With unplugged in headphones? Is that like your voice? Oh, the guy with the headphones, wacky Uh, yeah, no, I just

There's no good excuse for that I got nothing, man Fuck yeah A little unplugged set from Michael Krasny That's right, it's going acoustic Have you ever done that Kermit the Frog, Harvey Weinstein thing anywhere in public before? I have.

Where? Where? Where? We have a little show called The Comedy Chow at Hooters every Wednesday at 8pm. So you did that at a Hooters? I've done that at Hooters, yeah. Did the waitresses all put on sweatshirts after you did that?

You changed their fucking lives, Michael. They're like, I gotta get out of here. Clock me out. Wow. Now, you know that when you say Harvey Weinstein that people sort of know that it's gonna go dark,

right? Yeah. And then you just go with him slowly taking his clothes off to Kermit. Fuck it, yeah. Fuck it, yeah? As in, fuck it, I don't care how... If we had another minute,

would they have ended up fucking? I mean, that's up to Harvey. I think so. I think Kermit would have really wanted the movie to get made. You seem really wound up. You always that way? I feel like you've always sort of been, like, antsy on this show. Like, you have, like, shit in your hands.

Like, that's... This is what I look like, dude, when I'm literally on mushrooms. Like, it's not like a joke. I always have to have, like, water in one hand, like, my charger cord in another. Fucking headphones. I'm, like, freaking out. Did you know you still had the headphones on?

Is this something like you were in a hurry to leave your house? Yeah, well, I'm like way in the back of the corner. You just have two names that aren't here. I don't want to be... I mean, why do you have headphones? What are you doing? Listening to an episode of Kill Tony? No, no, no.

The Muppets. He was listening to the Muppets. Yeah, I was just trying to get the voice right. Yeah, everybody knows you got to get that fucking first grade Kermit the Frog impression down. But I like how he even said it's Kermit the Frog, but he said that in Kermit's voice. That threw me. I never recovered from that. Michael, what do you do for a living?

Well, I used to work at the improv. Until you did that Kermit the Frog thing. No. They're like, you can hop your own ass right. Until you did that Kermit the Frog for me. No. You can hop your own ass right on out of here, Kermit. No. Somebody told me that when you trip on acid, it only lasts four hours. So before one of my shifts... Are you fucking serious?

I don't lie up here. If you remember the last time I was here. Go ahead. Keep saying what you were saying. Yeah. So... You should think about lying up here. Should I? Okay. Acid acid four hours. Well, yeah, so it's a little bit longer than that. Is it happening right now? Are you on it right now?

I wish, man. That would be a lot better. So, okay, so you did acid. Somebody told you it lasted four hours. Right, so I'm responsible and I try to go to work. Right. But in, like, the last five minutes, the trip hits real hard. The last five minutes?

Well, I mean, like, before I had to be to work. Oh, yeah. Right. But in like the last five minutes, the trip hits real hard. The last five minutes? Well, I mean like before I had to be to work. Oh, yeah. So I call out and I'm like, hey, I can't come in. And they're like, why? And I'm like, I think I'm dead because I'm tripping on acid. And they're like, okay, well, don't come in. Is that really what you said?

I think I'm dead? Yeah. Yeah. I was fully convinced that I drove my car into the improv open mic and killed us all. Holy shit. It was good shit. It was good shit. I kind of feel like I'm dead right now. Yeah.

It's incredible. So, wow. And that was your one time sort of doing anything out of line there? Or do you think it was very justified? I mean, at the improv, yeah. At the improv? Yeah, that was it. Now, do you only do impressions? it was very justified? At the improv? Yeah, that was it. Do you only do impressions?

Is that your jam? No, I sort of tell jokes. Do you have a Miss Piggy? I don't have a Miss Piggy. The only women I do is like drunk Lois from Family Guy. Oh, Peter! Jesus, fuck.

So I don't do Lois what? Kermit and Lois, that's it. Of my impressions? Yeah. You have any more horrible impressions you can do? I don't know. You want to do Homer? Yeah, let's do it.

Wait a minute. Was that cat making out with that mouse? Because if they were... It's getting worse. It's incredible. We are truly going down the line of bad impressions. I want to see what your fifth worst impression is. I thought it was Gollum for sure for a second. He's like, I might name something else.

You may have peaked at headphones. There you go. Smooth yourself. Smooth yourself just a little bit. There you go. There you go. All right. Well, Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? A year.

A year. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And what made you start doing stand-up at such a late age? Just. How old are you? You hear like You move out here to do what you want to do

Acid and call it insect Yeah Well life doesn't go your way As hard as life is going You just want to find the positive in it So I like to take the shit that's gone on in my life And try and Thank you guys

Try and turn it into positive Yeah the free the nipple lady loves that shit. Yeah. Have I seen you in a Cialis commercial? In a Cialis? I wish, man. I wish. Where are you from? Cleveland.

And how long have you been out here? 12 years. Well, that's cool. Yeah. So what do you do for work now? Lift. That's it. Definitely not weights. No. So what do you do for work now? Lift. That's it. Definitely not weights. No.

Fuck no. All right, Michael. Well, you're a year in. I mean, you're definitely, you know, one of the good things, pieces of advice that I always give people a year in is, you know, make mistakes and figure out what works. And you're already doing that. You're doing really good. I got to say, I like his passion. Yeah. I mean, you continued with that Kermit. I mean, you took us all someplace that some of us won't ever come back from. Yeah.

Michael, you literally have nothing to lose. No. Literally. I mean, even the girl who's been trying for three months that was just done, she has a beautiful... I think if you keep it up, eventually you'll find some place to plug your headphones into.

Yeah. Just keep looking. There's a hole out there. I feel like he looks like Kirk Fox's recessive jeans. I'll take it. Alright. There he goes. Michael Cratchney, ladies and gentlemen. Proof!

Proof that anything can happen on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at Michael underscore Kradjny. K-R-A-J-N-Y. Some of this is hard to watch. Sometimes it's like this. Every once in a while. I feel so close to it, like I'm just driving slowly past something that I can't take my eyes off. I know.

Anything can happen. But I like it. I'm learning a lot about who I am. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Nick Sheehan. Nick Sheehan. What the fuck? I feel like a lot of these names are made up.

Like Witness Protection Program. It makes me think that people are just signing up fake names. Blacklisted. Put your hands together for June Gonzalez. Here she comes. He comes. I like it. I like it, man. I like what could happen.

Yeah, since everyone's doing impression, here's my impression of my dad when he saw me for the first time. That was it, he left. Anyway, I just came out to my parents I told them I'm vegan they didn't understand what that meant uh my dad was like so you mean to tell me you eat salads and my mom was like at least someone does and uh that was the end of that conversation uh took a second I'm happily married Been married for a long time She's Indian

So I always know where to come That dot on her fucking forehead It's great It's okay, she's my wife I'm married to her, she laughs too She prays to cows I think it's hilarious So whenever we argue

I just fill the fridge up with steaks and watch her starve. There we go. Fuck yeah, there we go indeed. June Gonzales. Hi. Hello. Now your wife prays to cows. Yeah, she's Hindu.

And you're a vegan, so that's kind of just another attack on her. A little bit. She's trying to convert me all the way. And you aim at that little dot. Huh? You aim at the dot on her. That's your target. Is that really true? Yeah, she has a bindi. Yeah.

I aim at the dot on her forehead, but with a rifle. European joke, I get it. A bindi sounds cute, except when there's a load heading towards it. Yeah. The bindi. Did you know it was a bindi? No, I didn't know what that was called.

I always just called it that dot on Indians' people's heads. No, it's called a bindi. That was ketchup. How long have you been with her? We've been married for two years, but we've been together for about four. Where'd you meet her? London.

Direct hit? Yeah. What were you doing in London? I'm stuck on the bindi. I was performing. Huh? I was performing. Doing stand-up?

Yeah, and battle rap. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. That's right, and I've seen you battle rap. Yep. How long have you been doing that? The battle rap thing, about seven years. Wow.

You ever do anything with that crazy? Yeah, I travel all around the world. Literally almost all the countries. Anybody ever get mad at you at a battle rap? Should it ever get serious? No, I know how to protect myself pretty good. Hell yeah. You throw your Indian wife in front of you?

Yep. She just throws gasoline on her and just lights it up. Okay, I see what you did there. That's a little Indian improv right there. I like it. Alright, June. What do you do for work? I'm a Postmates. Oh, okay.

A what? Excuse me. I do Postmates. It's like Grubhub and like, yeah, it's just like that. Does your Indian wife ever sit tar on you? I don't want to trouble you. I was just asking. Huh?

You came at me pretty hard with that explanation. Sorry. Joelberg? I was just going to ask if your Indian wife ever sit tars on your face No When you guys are fucking non-stop It's warming up over there Look out, we're on Joelberg Watch 2018

June, you've been on this show a couple times lately This is my second time yeah second time yeah and you were just on a few weeks ago right yeah what else did we find out about you there what was some interesting highlights anything you remember uh we went through the dad thing right now um my wife and kids are in london while i'm in la oh how's that going for you sorry i'm gonna go visit in july so i'm real excited about that. Right. Why are they there? Because when I made a decision to come over here.

You didn't expect Trump to become president. Exactly. And I didn't want to get deported, even though Puerto Ricans are Americans. Go ahead. Is that true? No. The reason she went over there is because when I decided to come over here and try comedy full time, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sustain everyone.

So she went over there with the kids. So that way she's good over there. What does she do? She's an accountant. She does banking. Oh. Yeah. The breadwinner.

She is at the moment. Yeah. I was until I came over here. Yeah. And now you're the bread deliverer. Postmates. Yeah. a post-mate. Yeah. It's the yeast I could do is make a bread joke.

Oh, wait. Come on. Stop it. That was good no matter how you slice it. Oh, thanks, June. Fuck yeah, that was pretty bad too. Yeah. She prays to cows, he supplies the buns.

What have you been doing for fun while the wife and kids are away? What have you been feeling that way other than work and writing and blah, blah, blah, the bullshit answers? What kind of crazy shit? I just go to a bunch of open mics, really. That's it. Yeah. And I do martial arts, too. Yeah?

What kind of martial arts do you do? Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, boxing. Okie dokie. Well, I thought your set was amazing and hilarious and I think you're going to be a star. Thank you. You're very strong. I can give you that. I try.

You've got a good back. That's what I was noticing as you were talking. My back? Yeah. Oh, thank you. I do a lot of push-ups and stuff like that. Good man. You ever get into a fight and have to use your martial arts? Ever since I learned everything, no. and stuff like that. You ever get into a fight and have to use your martial arts?

Ever since I learned everything, no. Never? What's the closest you've come? Have you ever had it on your mind or seen a crazy guy or anybody charge at you? Literally nothing. I've never came close to a fight, not even once. I don't know. I'm pretty peaceful, I think. People say I have a resting...

How close have you come to the bindi? All the time. I go full throttle. I'm pretty peaceful, I think. People say I have a resting... How close have you come to the bindi? All the time. I go full throttle. Bullseye. Like your style, man. I'm pretty calm. Some people say I have a resting bitch face, but that's about it. I don't know what the fuck that means, but whatever. Yeah, you do.

They're right. You know what I mean. I'm going to have to agree with them. You googled that shit immediately. No, I didn't. It's not only a resting bitch face, it's also active. The western bitch face? I'm going to have to agree with that. You Googled that shit immediately. No, I didn't. All right. It's not only a resting bitch face. It's also active also.

The Western bitch face. Do you consider yourself a hard worker? Yes. How much weights can you lift? Are we talking like... How much weight can you lift? He said weights. How much weights can you lift? He's offering you a job.

Is that it? How much weights can you lift? 210. 210. The bidding starts at 300. Oh, shit. He's Puerto Rican. Yeah.

The bidding starts at $150. $150. Fuck, yeah. Crush fest. All right, June. I can't even remember what the fuck he talked about on stage tonight, to be honest. He was really great at the Death Squad show. Oh, cool. I loved that.

That went good. That went real good. So do you have other material that doesn't include bashing your wife? Yeah, I bashed my baby mom. You have a kid with someone else? Yeah, that was the oopsie. And how do you change that? What is an oopsie?

Oh, it's like I was 17. Miss the bindi. She didn't have a bindi. That's like I was 17 and she told me she couldn't get pregnant and I believed it and I didn't pull out. Oh, so she is a witch. She is. She needs to be burned immediately.

Alright. So you can get pregnant at 17, that's what you're saying? Yes, she can. And she did. Wow. Did she float afterwards? Do you see the baby? Yeah, all the time. I see my kids all the time. How many kids? Two. Two kids. Did she float afterwards? Do you see the baby? Yeah, all the time.

I see my kids all the time. How many kids? Two. Two kids. So she oopsied twice? No, no, no. The second one was not her. She's with my wife, so that's not an oopsie. Nice.

Yeah. All right. Take care of my shit, you know what I mean? No, I'm with you, man. Yeah, fuck yeah. You must postmates 20 hours a day to support two kids and a wife in London. Alright, June, but it was

fun to see you again. Thank you. I caught him battle rapping a few weeks ago. It was fucking unbelievable. Thank you. There he is, June Gonzalez, everybody. Full power set. He's very confident Yeah Something about him I like Yeah

If I had more money He'd be coming home with me Since he's Puerto Rican It would be strange for him To have his power on I'm sure for a change What too soon for fucking Oh yeah

What's Puerto Rican really mean They're from Puerto Rico They still don't have power What's Puerto Rican really mean? They're from Puerto Rico? They still don't have power. What's Puerto Rican? Is that from the country? Yeah, it's from Puerto Rico. Just checking, man. Sometimes I like to ask questions out loud.

Are you serious? Yeah, well, I don't know what that is. What's going on? I don't get out much, but it sounds fun. It sounds foreign. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Rita Lee. Rita Lee. Rita Lee.

Here she comes from the deep corner. That's a powerful corner. There's Newman. The headphones guy had to get up. Remember him from earlier? Look at him. He's still here. He didn't quit yet.

What if she comes out here with a stereo? That's why they're together. Ah. That's how they sit by each other. Rita Lee everybody Hi I'm Rita Lee I'm a 42 year old divorcee Who lives with three cats

Yes so welcome to the lady portion Of the show Who's ready for clit jokes Perfect Like half of you are looking at me Like why are you going to waste your minute telling jokes about something that doesn't exist? Let's see. What kind of lady am I? Oh, my mom is Polish. My dad was Mexican. You can call me Rita, but my full name is Teresa Rita, all one word.

Teresa Rita is what Polish people think they should name Mexican people. It sounds like a specialty drink off the Applebee's menu or the official drink of divorcees so whatever my parents were divorced, I grew up with my mom which means I was only Mexican every other weekend or whenever my dad came to mow the lawn which is fine. I'm new to stand-up comedy.

Rita Lee, everybody. Her first time. On Kill Tony, right? Yeah, it is. For sure. I remember you. Divorce-ay? Yes.

Hell yeah. How long have you been divorced for? Almost ten years. Oh, wow. So it's been a while. Yeah, totally. Fuck yeah. How long have you been divorced for? Almost 10 years. Oh, wow. So it's been a while. Yeah, totally. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. How long were you married for? About eight years.

Eight years. How many kids do you have? I have no children. Wow. Good job. Fuck yeah. You're having a little trouble getting over that divorce from 10 years ago, huh? Yeah. Really? Is that true years ago, huh? Yeah. Really? Is that true?

No, not at all. I'm actually really good friends with my ex-husband. Oh, okay. When we got divorced, I had to pay him alimony. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Wow. Good way. And so after we got divorced, when I was like 32, I think, 32 or 33, I started stripping to make extra money.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. I just retired. I did not see that coming. I just retired about, well, I was a mom. I just started listening. Thanks. Go ahead, Rita.

Nice to see you. Hey, Kirk. Nice to see you, too. I don't know what your husband was thinking. Go ahead. I was a burlesque performer. Hell, yeah. And I did comedic burlesque with a partner.

She and I did some Cirque-type stuff. But I didn't pay the bills. And I was a marketing executive. And I just was over it. I was like, fuck this life. Jumba's Clown Room? Where did you perform at? No, I worked all around it. I was like, fuck this life. Jumbo's Clown Room? Where did you perform at? No, I worked

all around LA. I worked in Vegas for a while. How long were you a stripper for? About eight years. Oh, wow. About 12,000 songs. That's amazing. I know the numbers. I just stopped about a year ago.

A little less than a year ago. You just stopped a year ago. You're coming out of retirement right now. Let's fucking do this shit. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We're not going to make you strip. The problem is that at the end, most of my pole work was just like hard leans.

I didn't do any of my signature moves. Have you thought of maybe camming instead? Brian, will you stop all of your thoughts right now from happening? Where's the soundboard at, dude? You just have cherry pie loaded up there. That's it. Your volume's not even up and ready, even if you had a sound. If you've ever been to a strip club in Los Angeles,

you know that the appropriate song would be Girls, Girls, Girls by Molly. They have strip joints out here in L.A.? Yeah, by Molly. They have strip joints out here in L.A.? Yeah, there are a ton of strip joints out here in L.A. Okay, so let's get into it. What are some of the crazy things that have happened to you while you've been stripping? Well, I had a different experience because I was about 12 years older than most girls.

I thought you said 12 years old. Me too. Hell yeah. Yes, a full-grown woman, 12 years old. I started stripping at 12 years old. Me too. Hell yeah. Yes, a full-grown woman, 12 years old. I started stripping at 12 years old. Just me and my cats. And I did it, like, I was pretty business-driven. I did it, like, I called my parents, and I was like,

hey, it's your daughter. This is what I'm doing. I just wanted to let you know so no one would say something to you. And my mom was like, you don't have to call us every time you're doing something. And my dad was like, good for you. Way to use what you got. So I went into it

and was... Oh yeah, well the apple doesn't fall far from the stripper pool. Yeah, for sure. So I mean, I've met a lot of celebrities. I've met a lot of people who you know, I've seen just a lot of shit. So you're a lot of people who, you know, I've seen just a lot of shit. So you were really

business-driven stripper? I have no college debt. I have no debt and I quit my job. I quit. Thank you. I quit my job. Because I know a few

business-driven strippers and that just means they organize their ones and fives in different piles. Yeah. Well, yeah. It starts with the basics, Kirk. It starts with the basics, Kirk. It starts with the basics.

Like when you say my name. So what have you been doing instead of stripping? Pardon? What have you been doing instead of stripping? General Jeremiah, do you have something to say? Just pondering. So what have you been doing? We all have.

I worked. I did some freelance work copywriting doing marketing I used to do pageants so I've been coaching girls to like do pageants in the Miss America system and I've also

been mentoring like people do you get paid in turquoise okie dokie yeah Do you get paid in turquoise? Okie dokie. Yeah, I do. If you guys could see the bracelets, you would have loved that. All right.

Never mind. Okay. All right. The Mexican spotted the turquoise pretty quick. The sad general drum rolls is one of my favorites. Oh, my God. What kind of cats do you have? Pardon? What kind of cats?

I have two orange brothers and two, like, orange. Two orange brothers. That sounds weird. I just have, like, three just have three tabby cats. Are they business driven? No, they are not. I wish they were. And when you would strip, would you leave them in the car?

These are important questions. They're not children. I would leave them at home. Did you do private dances when you were a stripper? Were you into that? Like private dances in the club? Like in the VIP room, you know? Oh, yep. Yeah, I mean,

yeah, you know, when you're a stripper, you kind of, you get in there and you're an independent contractor. Is it different being an older stripper? Instead of the champagne room, do you take them to the warm milk room or something like that? We didn't have a champagne room. We had a Miller High Life closet.

Wow. Independent contractor. I like the sound of that. We had a lager shed back where I'm from. When you work in Vegas, you actually have to get a license. So you have to be licensed and do background checks. You have to have a business license. Vegas is no joke.

It's a lot different than LA. Hell yeah. This is good to know. Yeah. Do you miss it? Do you miss stripping? You know, I've always been on stage. So, I mean, it was silly.

Like, I thought, I think it's silly. I've got to be honest with you. This is the longest I've listened to a stripper with her clothes on. But it's good. It's good for me to try. I'm glad I could be here for it. I feel like we're having a real conversation. I'm looking in your eyes.

We're making eye contact. It's good. Good, man. One of them's lazy. It's looking at your tits. It's just with my lazy eye. Perfect. You know where the money is.

Rita, you are a hot older lady. You have a boyfriend right now? I do. Yeah? How long have you been with him? Six years. Wow. Yeah.

Is he like cats? Dude, yeah. He's like a cat master. He's amazing. He's like a 6'3", 250-pound Canadian biker. Say that one more time. He's 6'3". He's about 250. He's got a beard like nobody's amazing. He's like a 6'3", 250-pound Canadian biker. Say that one more time. He's 6'3", he's about 250, he's got a beard like nobody's business. He collects vintage Harleys, and he's an editor.

How much weights can he lift? Now is he holding you hostage? No. How much weights can he lift? He has a bad back. General Jeremiah, I don't think you can auction off Canadian bikers No Do you have an open relationship?

No Yeah, right Brian She's just going to come over and start fucking you You're not in an open relationship Ready to do my shot Because if you were, I'd be pounding that Some people that are in a relationship with strippers Usually have open relationships.

That's how they get through it. Thanks to Brian Redband's school of business, I have no debt. Nope. Oh, shit. So he's got a big beard, six foot two guy. Does he have any special

Before I went to Brian Redband's School of Business My life was in shambles But then I got the advice From the great Brian Redband

On how to cam How to upload podcasts How to do keto For a week And more. Does the six foot two Canadian biker do? Does he do anything crazy in the bedroom? Does he have any special moves?

Anything like that? Canadian biker? Does he apologize after he comes or anything like that? No, it's all pretty standard. We've been together for six years. We know what we like. Different people. Stand-up is something that you always wanted to do?

Yeah, totally. I grew up watching Carol Burnett on variety shows. Carol Burnett used to be a stripper also. She started out. With the Apple Dumpling Gang. Yeah, so it's something I always wanted to do. I love being on stage. I love talking to people.

Like, life's a party and I love entertaining and if you're going to hang out with me, I want you to have a good time and that includes being on stage. Fuck yeah! Oh, he's begging for it. It's pathetic. Yes.

Danny motherfucking Lucas in the bird's nest tonight. I think you'll be able to do anything you want in life. Thanks. Just thought I'd let you know that.

Yeah, I think you should absolutely keep having fun and fucking doing it and rocking and rolling I used to hate cats now I'm like alright cats are alright as long as they're Canadian thanks I really appreciate that

I'm really excited to be here I really enjoy your comedy and I really enjoy the show you only looked at Kirk when you said that very specifically she's smart she knows where the money is no I really enjoy the show and I'm super stoked. I'm really excited.

Yeah, well come back, sign up again soon. I wish I'd met you five years ago. Oh, thank you. Seven years ago. I wish I'd met you six. But you retired a year ago? Yeah, I retired on my birthday

Yeah, I wish I'd met you five years ago. Perfect. Thank you so much. Rita Lee, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Have fun. Rita Lee. Hey, before she goes have fun Rita Lee hey wait before you go stop stop wait wait wait wait what was your stripper name I didn't ask you what was it

I don't know why I'm thinking of this right now uh so I used to wear a red wig because I thought it made me look like Jean Grey but I Jean Grey who what from X-Men XMen, but I ended up looking more like Janine from Ghostbusters. It was like an angled bob. I remember you. My stripper name was Cherry. It was Cherry. My stripper name is Nathaniel Crawford III. Okay.

There she goes. Rita Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. There you go little cherry on top she's on twitter come dude and

she's very healthy come dude and tata come dude and tata top dollar right there if you're selling that Chroma Chris how's it going over there for you? How do you feel tonight?

Love it, Tony. It's great. I like his energy, Tony. I like that guy. We need more like him. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks familiar. Let's see what happens.

Put your hands together for Nick Country, everyone. Nick Country. Oh, shit. Yeah. Here we go. Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

I remember this guy. He's been on once before. It's probably not the best episode for him to be pulled out of the bucket right now. Not much momentum going into this. Here we go, Nick Country. For those of you who saw my last performance here, you know I'm crazy, crackers, nuts, loony, wacky. I got a screw loose. I flew over the cuckoo's nest. I'm mad, I tell you. Stop raving mad. I'm mad as a hatter. Let me tell you something. I love crazy chicks. I pick up all my chicks in mental institutions. Because one, crazy chicks are great in bed,

and two, I love the rush I get the next morning when they're chasing me around with a knife or baseball bat. I've crashed through locked doors. I've jumped off balconies. You know what's better than an orgasm? Throwing a crazy bitch through a glass door. I've had lengthy hospital stays. Medical hospital stays. Medical hospital

stays. Is that with your meow? Alright. There you go. Nick Country. Coming in aggressive. Here, don't face me like that, Nick. Face them. Face them. You don't have to square up. The fuck are we

doing here, Nick? Fucking relax. I can tell you've been picturing this moment for fucking weeks since your last time on the show. General Jeremiah, I'm going to check in with you first. Tony, at your order, I will take the shot. Don't mess with me. I go berserk! Don't do iterk don't do it

don't do it Nick just relax yeah he may go bowling for Columbine Michael no more I ain't scared of you Nick you have a Joe see that

Nick you have a very interesting look to you. I mean, there's only... Wait, Chroma Chris has something to say. It's just good to see you outside of Moe's Tavern for once. What tavern? Chroma Chris! to see you outside of Moe's Tavern for once. What tavern? Oh, Chrome of Chris. Ladies and gentlemen, Chrome of Chris has been on like

35 episodes. I think that's the first time he's ever said anything funny. Make some noise. You just witnessed history. For those of you that bet in Vegas that he would say something funny before the five-year anniversary, he won. Millions of dollars.

He waited five years. He was waiting for his spot. Nick Country. What country, Nick? Not my country. Nick, as I was saying, you have an interesting look to you. You said that you meet your girls at the mental institution. Is there any truth to that?

No. What's the last date that you went on? It's been a while. Hold on. Give him a shot. Give him a shot here. Let's wait. It's been a while.

It's been a while. Yes. What was the slave's name? I'm poor, so I don't have a lot of money to go out with girls. You know your back's towards the whole entire audience. You might want to kind of swoop around or something. You're facing the wrong way. Look at them.

Look at them over there. Oh, you're going to go sideways like you're on a coin or something like that? Yeah, there you go. That's the right way, Nick. You can still look at me if you want, but I just didn't like how you were squared up. It's like a sundial. Nick, you said you're poor. That's why you haven't been on a date in a while.

What do you do for a living? Right now, I'm on disability. Okay, okay. No, stop, stop, stop. I used to do drafting and design work for engineering companies. Wait, what is disability? They pay you for being disabled. We kill people for being disabled.

What is wrong with this country? So you draw for a living, correct? I paint and I sculpt. What was that? You paint and you sculpt. I'm an artist. With the blood of your victims. I don't make money out of it though. I haven't. I thought you said you were into drafting. Oh I do drafting and design work for engineering companies. I used to do that. But you're on disability for what reason? For

depression. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Why would you be depressed man? You got it all. I what? You have it all. I have it all. That's true. You just have to believe it. I believe it.

Hell yeah. So, you're just depressed? That's how you would put it? That's it? Yeah. That was the diagnosis? Nothing else? Well, then there's some paranoia.

Yeah. What'd you fucking say? Oh, I see. Was that a joke? Then some schizophrenia. Is that a joke? What was that? Are you being serious over here, Nick?

What was that? Don't say that. Why not? Okay. Oh, so it's a joke. So what? It's an attempt at a joke. And borderline disorder.

Nick, do you hear what's happening right now? Are you listening to anything? Tony, I will not ask again. Order me and I will take the shot. I got dyslexia. Nick, over here. I spent most of my life in Vienna being studied by a team of psychiatrists. Is that true?

You fucking twerp. I've never had somebody with so many disabilities annoy me so fucking much. I don't care what your fucking doctor tells you. Is anything you have said true besides the depression? No. That could be what's causing the depression.

Everything I say is true. Is it? Everything. Let's get off the subject. Can you fucking listen for a second? Why? I promise you none of the shit you're saying is really killing right now. everything so okay let's get off the subject listen for a second why listen really i promise you none of the shit you're saying is really killing right now so just listen when you say that you've been uh paranoid like what have you been paranoid about i'm curious i think everybody here is depression than paranoia more depression just depression so now it's just depression this is a fucking tough interview nick you understand You understand me? Deep depression. Deep depression. How long have you been depressed?

It's been a few years. Several years. The first time he saw a mirror. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did something trigger it? Yep. Did something happen that triggered it? Did you get your heart broken?

Well, it's just I'm a very creative person. I'm an artist. I paint. I sculpt. I'm an artist. I paint. I sculpt. I was working jobs. I weren't able to do my art form and my artwork, and I just got really depressed. Do you paint and sculpt a lot now? Mostly I work on comedy, but I do some painting and sculpting, yes.

You go up regularly? You do stand-up like every night? Four or five times a week usually. And I'm planning on writing a script actually, a comedy script. Yeah, what's your script going to be about? It's called a suicide note. It's going to be something, you know, they say everything's been done before, but I think this is something that's probably like never been done before.

I've never seen anything like it. Is it about two guys, one's dumb and the other's dumber? No, it's not that. Do you know how you could fight your depression a little? Let me just tell you as a friend. If you came out on stage and just started talking

the way you're talking to us now, it would be the first step toward you actually finding out why you're depressed. You have all these characters and you think it's all funny, but none of it is funny. But I've got to tell you, you're a nice guy. You're sweet. And you've just got to believe it and you've got to get up there

and just start talking about what's going on in your mind. And if you're really depressed, start talking to a room about your depression. And then you'll find out that you have no need to be. You're healthy. You're strong. You drove here. Thank you. Thank you very much. No, because I've seen you at some of the open mics, because I go there.

It's fun. And you're always just attacking yourself instead of just loving who you are. Give it a shot. Even right now, it's tough for you to even take this. It's tough. Right. But it's okay because we're all in it together.

It's a tricky time to be alive. But you just got to fucking get up there and know that you're enough. All right? Right. All right? Thank you. He's absolutely right. I remember last time I was on, you asked me about I do voices.

Yeah. And I forgot to do my old man voice. You want to hear it? Okay, sure. What's your old man voice? Let's get off this stuff. Maybe if it comes from your heart. I asked this old man his age. But do me a favor.

Why don't you look out at the crowd that you're trying to connect with? There he is. Nick Country, ladies and gentlemen. And for those of you listening to the podcast, the whole audience just turned the other direction. No, I'm kidding. Nick Country doing the old man voice. I asked this old man his age.

He said, I'm an old man. I don't like being at my age. I'm wearing a diaper and I can't get it up. Kirk Fox takes back everything he just said I like that you know why? because that was actually a character and it failed

but it wasn't who you were and it was the first time your hand wasn't shaking when you were talking about something so maybe that's an indicator that you're on the right track can I just give a general note if people are going to be doing

impressions? Can I just say can you just stop saying I'm this and then going into it? If the impression requires you to say I'm this, you need to write more. That's a general note for anybody

doing any character or impression. If you say, I'm this. And last thing, what's your last name? Country. What's your real last name? Country. Is it? Yes. See, now I know you're lying to me. No, I'm not.

Want to see my driver's license? Wait a second. Your real name is Brendan Dassey. Do you Want to see my driver's license? Wait a second. Your real name is Brendan Dassey. Do you want to see my driver's license? No, if it's really country, then I stand corrected. Okay. If you're Nick Country, then be Nick Country. Hell yeah. I love that.

For a second I thought perhaps Kirk was FBI and he was about to arrest you there. Your last name's not Country. Get on the ground. All right. You're going to be all right. Just get out there and love, all right? Nick, I completely, completely agree with what Kirk was saying. When I was trying to find out things about you, you just kept naming mental health things.

But you've got to be honest and real and face your shit spot on. The androgynous comedian that was on earlier said that she was an angel. Rita's talking about being divorced. Something that's probably not easy for her to talk about. You know what I mean? It's stuff that's personal to

them. You're coming out with all that energy, but like Kirk said, that's not really it seems like who you are. So give other stuff... Like, I like this guy who's listening right now. Find out who that is. Even that laugh, I don't mind.

It scares most people. Like, you could be, you know, you could give some depressed people a voice out there, you know what I mean? You could do, like, the extremely blue extremely blue collar comedy tour or something like that. I got to be honest. There's a lot of mentally disturbed people out there.

You're not one of them. If you're getting up there and you're making fun of it, you're really doing a disservice to yourself. How much weights can you lift? He's not for sale. He's not for sale. Just keep writing, Nick. Nick Country country ladies and gentlemen there he goes holy shit you know we should just change the uh change the vibe in this room let's go with a ringer shall we we have a regular on this show he writes and performs a

new 60 seconds every single week uh it's so fun to watch him perform and grow. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet. Yeah. What's up, y'all? Yeah. I was born a crack baby. And I realized I was a crack baby in elementary because, you know, when I sneeze, crack would come out of my nose. And one time I sneezed in class and my teacher seen it fall on the floor.

He said, hey, man, if this shit don't get me high, you going to get suspended. My teacher got so high, he looked at me and said, out of my 15 years of teaching, you my favorite student. I got an aunt, she steal all the time. She be stealing from Walmart and returning it like she don't know how the fuck she got it. And you know when black people steal, they lie. I don't know, I didn't take it. But when she steal and they play the cameras back, she surprised, you know, because it's on TV, so she thinks she on TV. And one time my aunt stole the TV

from Walmart and took it back. She said, look, I don't know how I got this, but it's in my house and I need my money back. She's like, look, we got you on TV. She was like, oh, shit, I made it. I'm on TV. I just walked right by the security guard. Motherfucking Malcolm Hatchet. Was that it? No, no.

Oh, go ahead, Malcolm. Finish it. My aunt steals so much shit from my mama house. Whenever I go to my aunt's house, I feel like I'm at my mama house. Fuck yeah. Malcolm motherfucking Hatchet. Saved it. Thank you, Jesus. So fun.

So funny. How's life going? Oh, it's good, man. So funny. How's life going? Oh, it's good, man. Chilling. I was at Aphrodite's house last week eating chicken wings. I did see that. I saw an entire string of stories where you ended up at Aphrodite's place. She made you chicken and biscuits. Yeah, cake.

Did she try anything on you? She tried to take the panties off, but you know what I'm saying. Oh, how'd she do it? How'd she do it? How'd she do it? How'd she do it? Yeah. She was like, boy, I'm going to tell you a little funny young ass talk. Nah, man, she can cook, man.

Oh, I bet she can. It was good, yeah. It was fun, man. She didn't want us to leave. She kept reading this book. What was the book? Some book she wrote. What's the name of it?

Poetry on Fire. It was fun. Oh, the poetry. The book is exactly how she talks. So exactly how she talks is how it's written. Ghetto is fuck. But it was amazing, man. It was real nice.

Was it all in capital letters? Yeah, all caps. Yeah, it was nice. It was real nice. Saw you shooting some stuff. You're on a set as of last week, correct? Oh, yeah, five years apart. Oh, yeah, that was tight, too.

Yeah, you're working on something? Mm-hmm. Is that a show, movie, something? It's a short film. Yeah, I think we talked about it last week. I was there for the snacks. Is there a part in there for me? Yeah. You want the number? Yeah. You probably take my part,

man. Chill out. I don't know. We're different. Let me get my shine on. I love it.'s the new car is good yeah life's good yeah life good

new car good I love it Aphrodite chicken great that shit was too good oh god damn I never thought I'd see

a moment like this Aphrodite and Malcolm bonding over fried chicken where are you from North Carolina I never thought I would see a moment like this. Aphrodite and Malcolm bonding over fried chicken. Where are you from? North Carolina. I never thought I would see a moment like this. Two of them talking in public together.

From North Carolina. You've been out here, what, like nine months? It's going to be ten months at the end of this month. Ten months? Nine months. That's a baby right there. You're funny, man. You're it.

Still in the car, right? Yeah, I'm still in the car, but I've been crashing into a friend's crib in North Hollywood. Very cool. When I get mad, I just go park. I'm like, I'm out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Let me back in. It's hot.

The more I watch your Instagrams, it's noticed that your diet is pretty much fast food and candy. Dude, it's really bad. I'm dying food and candy. Dude, it's really bad. I'm dying on the inside. Yeah, it's really, really bad. I mean, tons and tons of candy. How old are you now, Malcolm? 24. 24.

You sleep in the car, front or back seat? 24 years old. You sleep in the car? Is that what you say? Yeah, I just recline the seat and lay down. I don't go in the back. Lay down. The back's just like another room.

Yeah, it's a whole other room. Sometimes when I say that he eats a lot of candy, sometimes he goes and gets like five, six, seven different things. Sour Skittles. It's a lot of sour shit. What's your favorite candy? Sour Patch Kids. Hell yeah.

We need to eat one day. Who said that? Those are the kids a black man will not abandon. You know what I mean? Okie dokie. Anyway. Damn, that's good. I love candy.

Have you ever got your shit checked out, though, to make sure? I mean, do you have any diabetes in your family? Yeah, my dad died. But every time I go to the doctor, I'm good. Never had cavities. I'm good. You know what I'm saying? That's my cocaine candy because I don't do drugs.

Right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. don't do drugs. Right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Better candy than drugs. I'm going to go to Walmart right after this. Is that where you get your candy from? I go to Walmart, 7-Eleven. You buy in bulk? The little Mexican dude on the corner. You buy in bulk?

Like a lot at one time? That seems pretty close to what that word means. I ain't got no Costco membership. Nah, I just, you know, $10. Bulk is kind of a new word for you? I mean, like bulk, like, oh, big, like king size shit. Let's not talk anymore.

Welcome to a new segment called Learning Words with Malcolm Hatchett. You can learn other words like bulk. I just bought a dictionary, too. You can learn other words like bulk. I just bought a dictionary, too. You can learn other words like bulk at the library. Angie. Now, you eat all this candy, and you said that your father passed away when you were young from...

Diabetes. How old was he? He was like 54. 54. I got half life left. Fuck it. I'm going to keep eating. No. Look at Aphrodite over there. You know what that is? Once in a lifetime.

That's just chicken and biscuits right there. That is pure. Nah, hell nah, because she has some chocolate cake too. She is chocolate cake. What the fuck are you talking about? Put a candle in her asshole. You are what you eat and whatever Red Band just said, please ignore. Malcolm, everything else in life is good?

Yeah, everything good, man. Chilling, smiling, smelling good. Do you work? Do you have a job? Hell no. No, he notoriously quits every job he makes. Is that because you like sleeping in your car? No, I just like doing... Yeah, I don't want nobody to tell me what to do.

I just like doing comedy,, I don't want nobody to tell me what to do. I just like doing comedy stuff, yeah. Fuck them jobs. Does someone ever tell you to move your car to the other side of the street? Nah. Nah, not yet, at least. Because you can read the signs almost? Yeah. Nice.

No, I like it. It's important. All right, well, you did it again. You came in in the clutch in a tough room tonight. Tough fucking main room we got way too many wings of this place open I have no idea why that's open over there I'm furiously

angry at Josh for letting the volume seep out for the sake of seven people that could easily be sat right down the fucking middle anyway tough room great Malcolm Hatchett there he goes another killer minute why is that wing open?

alright, put your hands together for Josh Ballou back to the bucket we go Josh Ballou is coming to the stage I definitely see movement mighty morphin' power rangers Josh Ballou, ladies and gentlemen come on, make some fucking noise. It's a weird-ass room tonight.

How we doing, Comedy Store? All right. I don't know if anybody else will relate to this. I wish I was more athletic. The most athletic thing I do is mismanage my money. Yeah. I try to fake it, though. I try to pretend like I'm more athletic than i am

like i always go like jordan after losing six hundred thousand dollars on a golf bet i have uh i have financial goals i think it's important to have financial goals a big one for me is to be able to check my banking account online and have it not feel like I'm cyberbullying myself. There's a lot of reasons why people are bad with money. Some people gamble, gamble on things like college sports. I don't gamble on college sports, not since I gambled on a college degree. I went to a private art school.

My hair told you that already. I ended up... Oh, all right. Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah. Josh Ballew. Taking a break from some wacky science experiment to come here tonight. Welcome back.

Yeah, thanks. You've been on the show before. Yeah, I was with Jeff Ross. Yes. What did we find out about you that night? Created South Park. Responsible for South Park. I think I

was super nervous. I'm not going to lie. I think I was talking about YouTube. Dumb YouTube videos. What did we find out about you during the interview part of the show? Not what you talked about on stage. No, that was during the interview. I think we talked about being from Wisconsin. Being half black.

You're half black? What did you just say? Must be from the waist down. It must be from the scalp up. That is incredible. That's what my first

was a little bit about that. You're half black like that lady that tried to be the head of the NAACP. Just the hair. Yeah. Are you for real half black or just someone said that to you? No, I am, yeah. My mom's Polish. My dad is from Chicago.

Oh, Chicago. Chicago. Oh, say no more beautiful beautiful Chicago Africa yeah people don't believe me so it's you don't look at it at all

until he pulls out that cock you know what I'm saying she's my cherry pie that's the button I'd hit if I was on sound effects it's overplayed yeah white people and she's my cherry pie. That's the button I'd hit if I was on sound effects. It's overplayed. Yeah, white people are the most suspicious, but black people usually know.

Can we put our arms up together and see who's darker? Like, for real? Wow. Like, really? Brian go out in the sun for the first time ever this week? Let's put our skin tones together for you podcast listeners. We were exactly the same, though. Same white. Yes, he's very white. For those of you that haven't taken the hint yet, he's

extremely white looking. I think I'm half black also now that I see what he looks like. You good at anything that black people are good at? Rap music? Basketball? We're trying to get you an invite for chicken at Aphrodite's place. Let me know.

Could be Afro-whitey. Afro-whitey. Chroma Chris. What is happening over there? Chroma Chris like loses virginity this week? He's got to pace himself. There's another five years ahead of him. Fuck yeah, dude.

Wow. I meant to do this the last time I was here. I don't know if people have given gifts to you guys before. Is that a thing that people do? Are you about to give us the gift of what? I released a book. It's an illustrated book.

See, you guys love puns, right? You wrote a book? I wrote a bunch of puns. I had a Chicago artist illustrate them. I love the show. I love coming here each week. Even if I don't get up, it's fun. I wanted to give you guys copies of the book.

You want to give us a copy of your book as a gift? Yeah. You know what? You should sell those. I am. I am selling them. I am selling them. Oh, okay.

Okay, well, thanks for your offer. I would love one of your books. I'd like to see... You want one of them? Fuck yeah. What's happening? He's got a gun! You have the books literally on you? Oh, wow. Okay.

I thought I was going to have to write it with you. Man, this is... Super. It's big. This is a very... It's half black. Mostly white, actually. Small black font. It says it was printed in Wakanda. Ah, nice.

Where's me and Tony's books? You gave everyone except me and Tony? What the fuck? Wow. This is incredible. What else is black about you, Josh? You never really got an answer out of that question. I am pretty white. My dad is the blackest part of me. And for sure he's black.

For sure he's black. I'd like to meet him Have you met him? I have met him, yeah Okay Once again I know that's not very black What's he do for work?

He's a minister Wow And what's your mom do? She works in hospice. Has your hair always been this big? Is that how you're holding on? Yeah, for like the last ten years. How old are you?

29. You have a girlfriend? I do. Yeah? How long have you been with her? Five years. What color is she? That's a good question.

She is Iranian and Caucasian. Do you sleep on a pillow? I do. Seems a bit not necessary. Gigantic. A little greedy. What do you do with that thing? You just shower and then what happens?

It's low maintenance. I don't really have to do anything to it. There's a little bit of bullshit there. Really, there's not anything I do. It kind of does what it wants, correct? Yeah. It seems to be. Wow.

That's interesting. All right, Josh. Well, what else in life? Any hobbies of yours? Anything that you're good at? You seem like you'd be like a master chess player or something. I played chess when I was younger. Don't do that anymore.

Where'd you grow up? Chicago? Milwaukee. So your dad is from Chicago? Yeah, they met in Milwaukee. My mom's from Michigan. Yeah, Michigan. What part of Michigan?

Super, you guys can talk after. Jesus, this is a crazy episode of the show tonight This is actually one of the best I'm sure they will say that The podcast listeners love Weirdness Jeremiah One for the history books I guess

Alright Josh Did I get an answer out of you Out of hobbies or things that you're good at? I used to really like skateboarding. I don't do that as much. What's all the used tos? What fills up all of this time? Comedy, just like Mike's writing, doing this book.

I do sketches. You ever get into any arguments with comedians when you're out at open mics? No, but there's a lot of stuff that I not a lot of stuff, but there's just like stuff you'll see that you're like, ah man, I wish they'd stop doing that. Like what? Like hosts saying like I'm going to keep moving it along and then do a two minute bit between bringing out the next

comic. That's the worst. I don't know. Have you ever thought about cutting your hair? Like have you ever thought about going short at all? No. No, that's forever. You're going to do that forever. I mean, it'll fall out when it's time. What if you cut it all off? What's under there? Just you?

Well, what Brian has, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You should try it, man. I think it might be what's holding you back. What's it like being with an Iranian woman? Anything standout, special to you? No.

I mean... Have you ever seen her? Yes. Well, also, the rocks don't hurt when she throws them at him. Never mind. Yeah.

All right. There he goes, Josh. All right. Let's keep it moving along. What do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time and just pretend like we never saw anything here tonight? One more time?

Should we do it? This lady right here, what do you say? This angry substitute teacher right here is fucking miserable, clearly here, because her boyfriend likes the show. I fucking told you I wouldn't even fucking like it. We could have fucking went inside a Hollywood museum tonight. I like Rain, Maine.

Yeah. There's a few good ones in here. This book is called Things That Should Exist But Do Not. You should have just got out and read some of these. No. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Dan Donahue.

Dan Donahue. Dan Donahue. Is this Dan Donahue? Here he comes. I believe it's his first time on the show. Make some noise for Dan Donahue, everybody. What is up? My name's Dan. I used to work at a graveyard, which is a great job if you don't have a lot of morals,

but do need a lot of flowers. One of the best jobs in the world under those circumstances. Worst part about working that job, poorly attended funerals. Very worst part of working at a graveyard, poorly attended funerals, which there are a lot of those. There are a lot of poorly attended. Don't look at me like that. Yours is going to be great.

But these other people, these losers would have poorly attended funerals. And at a poorly attended funeral, I don't know if you knew this, workers at the graveyard had to work as pallbearers, which taught me something important about life, which is life is not a competition about who has the most friends or who doesn't have a lot of friends, right? But have six. At all times, at all stages in your life, have six friends. Have six friends or have four very strong friends. Fuck yeah. Dan Donahue, ladies and gentlemen.

It's your first time on the show, right? Yes, it is. Fuck yeah. Dan Donahue, ladies and gentlemen. It's your first time on the show, right? Yes, it is. All right. I'm going to take a guess about you. I'm going to say you've been doing stand-up for four months, and you're from somewhere between Indianapolis and Philadelphia. Wrong on both. Well, no.

Boston. But, no, I've been doing it for like two years. Two years. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, yeah, I can see that That's a good, okay I can see that

Why would you stop working at a graveyard? Why would you stop that job? It was through like a work program when I was 13 So it like had to stop You know, it was like a summer job Oh yeah Was that weird? Talk about being buried up to your head

I thought it was more recent So that was a summer job when you were 13. Yeah, summer job when I was 13. Yeah, yeah. It lost a little of the mystique. Did you see anything weird when you worked there? Like, was there anything creepy? Oh, tons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, well, the weirdest part was, like, the workers there. Like, they would steal stuff from the tops of graves and stuff, like, all the time. Wow. Yeah. Stuff that they would leave for the corpse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, for the memory of the time. Stuff that they would leave for the corpse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, for the memory of the corpse.

Did you ever see anyone fuck a corpse? Was that a bad question? You guys aren't thinking that? It was on everyone's mind. It's quite the undertaking. But you were 13. You probably wouldn't know. I probably wouldn't know.

No, no, no. So someone probably did this. I've had sex with a corpse. Her name is Martha, and she's my wife. Wait, you've been George Washington this whole time? Is that true? Yeah. Can we start over?

I find out with five minutes left in the show that he's been the first president of the United States. This is like a young George Washington? No. It was a very popular name. The Martha's a coincidence. There's a lot of Marthas out there. Dan, so you started in Boston? Yeah.

You live here now? I live here now. I moved here like four weeks ago. Four weeks ago. You guys are welcome, man. That's why I thought you'd been doing it a few months. You only have four weeks of L.A. comedy. You still got hope. of L.A. comedy. You still got hope.

You got that twinkle. Yeah, a glimmer of hope in my eyes. It'll be gone soon. Hell yeah. So you've been here four weeks. Do you live by yourself? Yeah, by myself. Well, that's cool.

So you saved up a lot of money. Yeah, a good amount. That's cool. And I work here, too. What do you do? What was your job in Boston? I did temp stuff in Boston, which was terrible. And then I moved here, and I work in a factory now.

What factory? It's called GTP. Yeah, yeah, no. What? Obviously, no. No, I work in a factory. It's called GTP. It's like they do sound equipment stuff.

Okay. What types of shifts do you work? Early morning? Early morning, yeah, like 6 to 4. How do you wake up? Alarm. I wake up pretty early. What type of alarm?

Like an actual alarm where you're on your phone? Phone alarm. Just a regular ringer or some type of song? Is that what it sounds like? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you hear that, how long do you have to get to work? Probably like half an hour or so. Are you a side sleeper or do you sleep on your back?

Good question. It gives me a lot to work with. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back sleeper, baby. Back sleeper? You must not smoke cigarettes. No, I don't.

No. Should I start? No. Not if you're a back sleeper. Fair enough. You have some factory jokes about something more current than when you were 13? No, not really. No.

Working in a factory is pretty much just bad. Like, there's nothing exciting. What's wrong with working in a factory? Nothing. Oh, good. I'm sorry. Precise. Dan, how old are you?

I'm 23. 23. Yeah, yeah, how old are you? I'm 23. 23. You just moved out here. It's been four weeks in L.A., which you've been doing for fun. A lot of stuff. My main thing is just driving around doing stand-up. Driving around doing stand-up. In your car?

Do you just do it in the car or do you go places? What? Excuse me? You just drive around doing stand-up? In the car or do you stop? And checking out. California is incredible. Just checking out everywhere. I went up to Santa Barbara and stuff.

It's good. A lot of comedy up there. So you drove to Santa Barbara. What did you do? Where did you stop along the way? I went to a casino to do stand-up at a casino. You just went to that casino and said, listen, I used to work in a graveyard. I got 10 minutes on courses. It's just like a loop over and over again, just this situation, different places.

I know what you're up to. Your loop is contagious. Yeah. Did you win any money that night? At the casino? No, I didn't gamble. It's very creepy to me, gambling. Wait, say that again?

It's like gambling is creepy to me. Gambling is creepy to you, why? You're creepy to me. Not just you, apparently. No, yeah. I don't know. You just look at people and they look very unhappy doing something that seems like it's... And they're alive.

You should probably look at your cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of the people. You have a little speech impediment, huh? I do, yeah. Slur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By choice or is that an action?

I love slurs. Oh. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little slur. Had it my whole life. It's okay. Have you thought about fixing it?

I was in special ed my whole life to fix it. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Special ed. Special ed, yeah. Well, learning support, they called it, but that was kind of just to soften the flow. Are they still supporting you?

No, not so, unfortunately. I like that. Did they just put you in that because you sound like that, or do you sound like that because you were special? Yeah, no. Yeah, I went there to just make friends. No, I went there because it was like I had dyslexia and stuff too. Did most of the other kids in special support work at the graveyard with you?

Yeah, yeah, that's why. They tried to scare it out of you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, with the last resort. Do you have a dyslexic heart? A dyslexic heart? No, never mind. It's an old 80s song.

Holy fucking shit, Brian. That old 80s song is a good one. I always love the last 30 minutes of this show every week when he just throws the soundboard out the window

and starts asking dumb questions. Brian would have been with you in that class. Actually, I was in that class. I also slur my words. I was also in one of those classes. Hell yeah. Is that true? So this is where I end up, right there. It comes out after I drink.

My training goes out the window. Oh, you do say a one word. World and all that shit like that. I slur a lot still. Never goes away. Who cares? Birds of a feather, man but it never goes away. Who cares? Beautiful. Birds of a feather, man.

Birds of a feather. Fuck yeah. I think he wants to flock together. Special ed, baby. Birds of something. I don't know what you were trying to say. General Jeremiah Watkins. No, I was just going to appreciate the chemistry of this interview.

There you go. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. I think you're funny. I think you can... Electric room right now. I think you can do whatever you want to do. Really is. I don't blame them. We've all called the show shitty about 30 different times. I'm pretty sure

we've convinced this live audience. I gotta be honest with you. This is one of your better shows only because it's interesting. It's funny when it needs to be. The people listening in the world are fascinated by it. It's true. This is a show that makes people think, fuck, I could probably

also have a show. It's true. After seeing all of these people here tonight, it's one of those special things to where... It's given me confidence for sure. Hell yeah. This is a special support show. Indeed. That's what we do. We like to give fuel to those

that have mental disabilities. Just work on some jokes about where you're at right now. Yeah, absolutely. Even talk about the speech impediment. Say you're working on it. And you should be. I definitely should be more than I am.

Yeah, you want to be a comedian? Yeah. Words are important. It's important that we hear what you're trying not to say. Yeah, yeah. This is improved, actually. Yeah, you're better than when you got up here, so this is a big night for you.

Yeah, thank you, man. Yeah, now you're Dave Franco. Okay. How is that a diss? He's a very successful actor. He remotely looks like him a little bit. Very strange crowd right now. Very strange that you guys took that as an insult.

He's a millionaire. Congratulations. I like this kid. He's got a job. He works in a factory. Gets up every morning and goes to work. Good for you. He is like Dave.

He's like Dave Franco if he got hit in the head with a baseball or something. He ended up working in a graveyard by accident. Oh, man. I'm working on this. I have jobs. You probably didn't even have a job there. You just hung out there in the afternoon and watched funerals. Yeah.

I mean, that was the fun. We watched them from the truck every time. And there were a lot of poorly attended ones. Very scary. I didn't hear a word you said, but it sounded good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd watch funerals from the truck? Yeah, yeah.

What truck? What truck? We would sit, because we had to put dirt over them right after. Oh, the dirt truck. So we'd sit in the truck. Yeah, the dirt truck. Yeah, yeah, you know the dirt truck. You were the fucking dirt guy?

Yeah, I was the dirt guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's a big deal. Yeah, it's huge. You ever thought about going back? To the graveyard? I will, yeah, eventually. But, like, the dirt guy. That's a big deal. You ever thought about going back? To the graveyard? I will, yeah, eventually. Nice.

Open with that one. There he goes. Dan Donahue, ladies and gentlemen. The last comedian on the show before the five-year anniversary. A whole different night with a whole different thing. But this was tonight.

That's what happened. This is the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Look at that. Barely any applause for even a man's hard work while you all sat there doing nothing. Ryan J. drew another fucking piece of art. Check out Showtime's special, That Guy with Kirk Fox.

He's that guy. make some noise for Kirk the amazing Kirk Fox some great wisdom fun times the great and powerful chair of Maya Watkins everybody, he's going to be in Portland with me this weekend Friday, Saturday, we have four shows

and we're all doing Kill Tony together on Sunday also there's a book that I'm a co-producer on it's called Things That Should Exist But Do Not. It's a collection of cultural mashups by a friend of mine. He's white, thinks he's black. L.A. Speedweed is my favorite type of pot in the world. I smoke it all the time. Carl McChrys.

You can follow me on social media, at Jeremiah's Stand-Up, and listen to the new episode of Jeremiah Wonders with Adam Ray. Yes. That was Jeremiah Watkins. Chroma Chris is on Twitter and Instagram at Chroma Chris. How about you make some noise for the green, powerful Jolberg, everybody.

Come on. I'm mostly sorry. I want a drum sponsor. If anybody wants to give me an endorsement, reach out to me. I'm mostly sorry. I want a drum sponsor. If anybody wants to give me an endorsement, reach out to me. Hell yeah, I like that. That's how things happen. You put it out there, and that's how it happens. Somebody help Joel get a drum sponsorship.

He's the anchor of Kill Tony back there. So much fun stuff happening. Don't forget, a week after this one, Tom Segura and then two back-to-back weeks of insanity that I'm not allowed to talk about. So many fun announcements coming up. Skank Fest and Kill Tony's in Cleveland,

Fort Wayne, Nashville, Grand Rapids, Lansing, Detroit. The new Kill Tony shirt is out. ShopSquad.tv and Ryan J. Ebel for your prints if you want to check those out. Brian Redband. See you. Live audience, thank you so much.

Have a great night. Take care of yourselves. I can tell you're tired, so maybe go get some sleep. You know, relax. Sleep it off. Drink some water. Stay hydrated. I'm trying to comprehend you. I got a dyslexic heart.

Do I read you correctly? I need you directly. Help me with this part. I got a dyslexic heart.