KILL TONY - KILL TONY #272 (PORTLAND)

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Danger Ehren, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/17/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Terms and conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, thessquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony, both in video and audio. We also have tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates that are just being announced every day. We're going to be in Detroit. We're going to be in Indiana. We're going to be in New York. And we just announced that we're going to be at Just for Laughs this year, both in Montreal and Toronto. And those tickets will go fast. So go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. If you want to go get some merch, we got the new Kill Tony shirt that was just released. And you can go to ShopSquad.TV. Not only do we have the Kill Tony shirt, but we have a bunch of Death Squad merchandise, including hats and shirts and mugs.

So check out ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he just released a new five-year poster. So check out ryanjebelt.com. And of course, Tony Hinchcliffe has his website. So everything Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Portland, Oregon. Holy shit. At the Helium Comedy Club, give it up for your host of Kill Tony,

Tony Hitchcock! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my god Tony

Fuck yeah Listen to the fucking energy in this room Portland kill Tony for the first time ever Brian Redband is here What is up Portland We're all here There's one unhappy judgmental fuck Arms crossed in the front row

with the fucking hip stash and the fake mullet. We are officially in Portland. We found one hater amongst all this energy of love. I fucking love it. You guys excited for this shit or what? I'm pumped. Jesus Christ. Tomorrow we're back in L.A. celebrating our official five-year anniversary.

But I want to tell you, we realized before the show that, believe it or not, we're already five years old. We're celebrating it with you tonight here in Portland. We did the math. We did the math on the dates. It turns out we're already five years old, and we are the number one live podcast in the world. That is right.

Wow, that's a crazy audience tonight. Yeah. Holy shit. It took a long time to get it like this. Yeah. You know, we had to go through a lot. We made some adjustments, got rid of the Patriot. Yeah.

You know, brought on some other fun things and exciting things, but the format still stays the same. I have a bucket filled with Portland names. Holy shit. Wow. Thought you were judging L.A. all those times, huh? Well, let's see what the fuck's going on here. How many of you think the Portland comedians are going to do great tonight? All right. How many of you think we're going to

see some people bomb their ass off tonight? Wow. The Portland crow is howling right now. Wow. Oh, shit. So what's the big drug out here? Is it still meth or is it heroin? Alright. Okay, okay. Because I bet there's one comic that's going to be on meth tonight. There's a pretty good chance of that. There are some Breaking Bad looking characters

that, uh, and I just went out to get the bucket. People were like dragging at my ankles. It was creepy. Oh, shit. Every episode I have a guest on, but on the road ones, we don't ever have a guest.

So that's that. But luckily for you, tonight, for our first ever Portland episode, we decided to switch it up a bit, and we did bring on a guest. I've sat on this show since day one, there are very few things that always make me laugh.

It goes pretty much to South Park, Jackass, and fucking my funny friends. And it is a special honor to have gotten to make friends with this guy over the years because he's one of my favorite characters one of my favorite things ever ladies and gentlemen from all the jackass movies

make some noise for Portland's own danger Aaron McGee holy shit Holy shit. What? Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Wow. Here he comes. He's walking around. He's shaking everybody's hand. They're pulling on his beard to see if it's real pubes or not. Wow. You know, five out of ten people did not wash their hands after shitting. Danger, you don't have to shake their hands. You don't have to touch them. Make some noise one more time

for Danger Aaron, everyone. He's going to sit in with us. He's going to defend Portland for you guys here tonight. What's up, fuckers? Yeah! Normally we have Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny, but tonight we have Paul Bearer's Urn of the Future. Man. I love this fucking banger.

Definitely been used before. Hell yeah. And Danger, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah, you've made an appearance on the show before, and it's good to have you back. Yeah, it's good to be back here in lovely Portland, Oregon. Yeah.

So let's just keep it moving. Your other special treat tonight, you know, back in L.A., we have a band that performs every week, and every week they do characters. We have a part of that band for you. We do have one part of that band for you.

The one with the best nose. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the funniest human beings in the world and you know him as the leader of the Kill Tony band. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. He does a new character every week. I never know what he's going to do or be,

and he commits to that character throughout the episode. Make some noise for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins. He's the Kill Tony band. Some regal music on him sometime. Oh! Holy shit!

It's Professor Snape! We have seen this character before. He was wildly successful on one of the Los Angeles shows. It was so funny that he stayed in character for the rest of the night after the show was long over. I have a feeling this guy might make an appearance at the meet and greet afterwards. This is the real Professor Snape. Is that twig his magic wand?

Yeah, yeah, that's what he has. That's a shitty magic wand you have. Whoa, whoa, whoa, danger. Do not attack Professor Snape like that. No, I was attacking his wand. Hold on. He has magical powers, dude. That wand right there.

All right. Hold on. Snape, anything you want to say to Danger Aaron's threats about you having a weak stick? I called it a twig, actually. Hey, dude. I called it a twig, actually. Hey, dude. If you do not shut your mouth,

I will make you disappear faster than your career. Oh, come on, no. Professor Snape. That's funny, but the joke's on you, because I never actually even had a career, bro I just did some dumb shit And you guys laughed What kind of career is that? Yes, the joke is on me

So Professor Snape will be with us All night long I'm pumped We got Danger Aaron Brian Redband Portland, Oregon We got the bucket Let's do this shit, shall we?

It's Kill Tony, live from Portland, Oregon To get on stage, you absolutely have to go around that way and come up that way So for those of you that way, if your name gets called start just bailing out that way Don't go too fast or you'll be too out of breath, and that's annoying.

So go at a pace in which your unhealthy bodies can... Portland really is the unhealthiest place. I've been saying all weekend, it's all chubby people on bicycles. It's like they found a way to only go downhill in Portland, Oregon. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Isn't that adorable? Wrap it up then.

Earl, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And the crow of Portland. You guys ready for this shit? Let's do it. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. Professor Snape, Danger Aaron, at least 15 successful movies amongst the two of them.

Absolutely. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first person getting 60 seconds uninterrupted tonight goes by the name of Jeremy Cox. Here we go. If I can. Jeremy Cox. Here we go. If I can. Jeremy Cox.

He's walking the correct way so he can't catch you. I'm already starting hot. Come on Portland, make some noise. Your first comedian tonight, Jeremy Cox. How's it going, everybody? We got any birthdays this year? Tonight, all right.

I don't know if you heard at the top of the show, I don't know if there's any hecklers or secret pedophiles in the audience. One, two. Can't do that. No,, two. Can't do that. No, really, you can't do that. A little bit about myself. I'm half black. I'm also terrible at math.

Sometimes you don't know you're being racist. Yeah. Yeah. Any questions? No, no questions. Hi, how's it going? Good? All right.

What brings everyone out to Portland tonight? Zach Gresham? All right, thanks, That's my time. Jeremy Cox. Alright. Hell yeah. Ran out of material 50 seconds in. Instead of trying to close out like

many people do, he started a conversation with one lady in the front row that was like, fuck you, I'm not answering your question, asshole. She cheered when I said, who wants to see people bomb here tonight? Yeah! Thank you! Fuck yeah, Jeremy. How's it going? Very good.

How long have you been driving trucks for? I say about eight years. Is that true? No. What do you drive for a living? I drive a computer. Really? Yeah.

Imagine that. Wow. No, I can't imagine that. You're like the brave heart of comedians. Why, thank you. I was looking at your locks behind you. Oh, okay, yeah. Have you ever done comedy before? Yes, I have.

All right, so I guess this is like the game show question, meth or heroin? So which one is it? It's Oxy Is that true? Come on Do you do drugs? Yes You smoke pot?

Yes What else? Yes Wow, look at you That explains the ponytail Now I get it That wasn't a computer ponytail That's a drugs ponytail

Jeremy, do you always look like you just finished burying a body? Yes. You know what that sound means? All right, we don't know what that sound means. Neither, yeah. A new car! Oh, okie dokie. You can't give away new cars.

Yeah, that's a good idea, Danger. Anyway, so, Jeremy, what do you do with computers exactly? I color comic books. You color comic books? Wow. That's so cool. Locally here in Portland? No, well, I mean, yeah, I'm here.

Do you buy comic books and just recolor them? I do for DC Comics. DC Comics. You work for DC Comics. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Have you drawn anything we might recognize? Color.

I color comic books. Well, drawn? No, color. So you just color in the comic books? Yeah, yeah. That are already drawn? Yeah. You get to make those decisions?

Yeah. Wow. What have you colored? I know my favorite. I know my favorite colored comic book is the Black Panther. Oh, yeah. His, too. I have not colored the Black Panther.

Imagine that. Colored comic book? All right. I guess I'll settle for only half the audience really paying respect to that. Oh, speaking of Black Panther, there he goes. He just grabbed someone's glasses. Wow, he's like Beetlejuice. You say his name three times.

He's headed for the door. All right, I missed it. What have you colored? Batman, Superman. Wow, get the fuck out of here. This is amazing. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Yeah, I did it for like two years, and the last year I've been doing as much.

But I watch a lot of comedy. So, wow, you watch a lot of comedy. Live or are you? Live. Right. Yeah. Interesting. And so what made you stop doing it a year ago?

Why did you slow down? I moved up here. Where were you? Dude, that's like a dream job, right? Yeah, everyone loves people to move here. Say again? Where were you before? San like a dream job Where were you before? San Diego How long were you in San Diego for? 47 years

What made you want to come up to Portland? You came up to Portland because you're like I want to move to a place where I look like the other people He blends in so good. People in San Diego are like, who's the creep with the ponytail? He looks like Dumbledore's even gayer brother. Oh, God.

It's funny because he's Professor Snape. You don't get it, Jeremy? Why are you shrugging your shoulders at that? I'm 48. I don't know what that is. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I work in comic books. Yeah, I know that shit.

Hell yeah. Man, that is so fucking cool. So do you just hang out, color all day, smoke weed, and then just write jokes? I got rabbits. I watch the rabbits. So you watch rabbits also. How many rabbits do you have? That's why you moved up to Portland. So you got rabbits.

Has anyone ever told you you look like a man that owns rabbits? Jeremy, how many rabbits do you own? I own two rabbits and I'm fostering another. Whoa! He's like the cat lady of rabbits, guys. Is it a black rabbit?

No, it's a white fluffy rabbit named Floof. How did you foster a rabbit? Did it just appear all of a sudden? No, my wife works for Rabbits Advocates. Wait, what? What the fuck? Wait, hold on. That sounds awesome.

Tell us more about this Rabbits thing. I'm all ears. Go. Yeah. What's rabbits advocates? What the fuck's going on? What's going on in this city? What's wrong with that?

Does somebody want to build a wall, not let the rabbits in? Yeah, Trump hates rabbits. Are they separating rabbits from their children at the border? No. Yeah, uncaged, yeah. So like wild rabbits in the city? No, no, no. They're like in our house.

They kick back and they watch TV. No, but you're not advocating for those rabbits, right? Say again? Is this a non-profit? Yes, yes, much so. Wow. So Jeremy, in Hackshelter, nice. Jeremy.

Yes. So I can't quite remember the answer. Why did you slow down on doing this stand-up a year ago? Because I'm just moving up here. It's getting used to the scene up here, and I'm not good enough to compete in this scene. That's a lie. No, no, it's really talented people up here.

I'm not surprised. I'm like, wow. You did crowd work your whole time, though. Did you have material, or do you just... Yeah, I'm a stay-at-home dad. Oh, with the rabbits. But I don't have any kids. Wow.

Jeremy, what else are you into? You've got some rabbits. What else have you got going on over there? I like to draw, paint, walk. God, you have a cool life. Have you always been single? No, I'm married. Oh, you're married. cool life. Yeah. Have you always been single? No, I'm married. Oh, you're married.

My wife works at the rabbit place. Oh, I gotcha. How long have you been married for? 26 years. How does your wife like Portland? No, no, no. We've been together 26. We've only been married like 16. How does your wife like Portland? She loves it, yeah. It's awesome. What was the biggest change other than like the weather and shit from San Diego to here?

What did you notice different in the people? The attitude. I look like a dork walking around like, hey, hi. Wait, wait. A dork here or in San Diego? Both, but even worse here. Really? I don't see that.

You look like everybody else that does around here. I'm born and raised in Oregon forever and this is pretty much the look that's been since... I'm 41 years old and you pretty much look like everybody I grew up with. Usually spandex. Oh, yeah. He was wearing spandex usually. Alright, Jeremy. Well, you have a badass

fucking gig. But if you love doing stand-up, you should just fucking do it more often. Don't let these young bucks around here scare you away, because you have more shit to talk about, even though you didn't do it at all here tonight. But you have a whole wealth of life experience to draw from, and you have a badass gig, and you got fucking rabbits and a happy wife.

So fuck yeah, dude. Killing it. There he goes, Jeremy Cox, getting the show started off for us. Really kind of is the dream life. Wow, Snape, that's good. Snape's getting romantic. Whoa, we got some really bad handwriting here. Jesus.

Whoa, I'm going to say Justin Orzalar. He's like, oh, crap. That's funny. Remember to go around. Here you go. This guy did not want to say it. He used to be the kind of girl

that you would never leave. One more time for Justin Orzalar. How you doing tonight, guys? Fucking A. Hey, so my brother the other day came home, and he smelled like some shit. But I'll tell you what, he smelled like some shit I never smelled before. It's called badussy, and that's butt, dick, and pussy. My goodness, it stank like some shit.

And I'll tell you this, If he was here right now, he'd probably punch me, but he ain't here now because I'd punch him right in the throat. Yeah, yeah. Fucking funny, right? Yeah.

Bad handwriting, he says. Bad handwriting, he says. Yeah. Fuck, I'm waiting for the kitty to come, because this is definitely, definitely something that I would never do in my life. But I'll tell you guys what. Fucking love Portland.

I've been here my whole life. Ain't nothing better than I got than that. So, happy fucking birthday, Portland. Fuck yeah. Happy birthday, Portland. Fuck yeah. Happy birthday, Portland. Justin clearly got signed up by somebody else tonight. Is that what happened? No, I signed up myself, but I wasn't expecting to be pulled from the fucking thing.

Get in front of that microphone. I signed up myself, but I wasn't expecting anything. Get in front of that microphone. I signed up myself, but I wasn't expecting to be pulled from the bucket. Let me ask you something, Justin. How long have you been listening to the show? About a month, actually. Just a month? About a month, yeah. And you just listened to the last few episodes?

I just listened to the podcast. I listened to, you know, 200. About 200 episodes of the show. In one month, you did 200 episodes. Binging. I work a lot. I love it. Continuously. That's why you look like you haven't slept in a month. Justin, out of all those

200 episodes that you've listened to, there's been at least a thousand times in which somebody's gotten pulled in and, wow, I signed up, but I didn't expect this. So I know you're bullshitting me. Isn't that kind of what you expect though when you put your name in a bucket? Fuck, I didn't expect it, but I'm happy it happened.

You actually have a great stage presence about you. Reba! Right? That's Reba, right? So this is your first time. Reba! What the fuck who is Reba

like Reba I just listened to that podcast the other day it's time to play what's his what is he on meth or heroin welcome to another episode

here we are I'm guessing uh candy that's a good guess like hard candy just sucks on it all day long

like that kind of hard candy fuck yeah he'd be sucking all day long. Like that kind of hard candy. Fuck, yeah. You'd be sucking all day. He said he works all the time. I do. I work a lot.

It sucks. Justin. What do you do? I'm a welder. TIG welder. What are you welding? Aluminum mostly. If it's not DC Comics, it's boring at this point. What do you weld?

I weld aluminum mostly. Oh, wow. For what purposes? For whatever purpose. Do you get free foil? Do you get trailers or something? I just weld shit all day. That's what I do.

Fucking weld some shit. Justin, what do you do for fun? I smoke weed and play some games. Especially Fortnite. Come on. Fortnite. Is that your thing? Yeah. What do you play? Fortnite. Fortnite. Snape? What?

Snape? What kind of games do you play? I build shit and shoot people. Oh. Yeah. Fascinating. Fucking A.

How old are you, Justin? I'm 24. You're 24. Yes, sir. Do you ever go out at night and drink or anything? Sometimes, but I don't know. Actually, I do a lot, but I get fucked up. I can tell you're a good drunk.

Huh? I can tell you're a good drunk. Huh? I can tell you're a good drunk. You handle your alcohol. Nothing ever happens. I get fucked up, and I do dumb shit like the rest of us, but it's fun as fuck. Yeah, super fun. What's the dumbest thing you've ever done when being drunk? Oh, my sister.

Oh, my God, dude. Ah! Whoa! What? Oh, my sister. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, shit. Is that the start of a sentence or is that just period? That's the start of a story. Okay. That was the start of a sentence. Okay.

Actually, we won't go to that story. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. Fuck that story. It doesn't make sense. Man, oh, man. Nobody's going to figure out that it's the- What position did you do your sister in? Outfield, baby! Did you really have sex with your sister?

Yeah. No, Justin. Justin. Justin. Come on now, bro. Justin, tell the truth. Did you really? No.

All right. What's the dumbest thing you've ever done when you're drunk? In real life. When I drunk. When I drank. Really, to be honest, I don't know. There's so much dumb shit that I've done. I live in Portland.

How about, like, not expecting to get called out on a podcast? Yeah, dude. Like that shit. You ever ripped your tooth out with a Lamborghini? That's pretty dumb. Professor Snake. Hey, man, that'd be some dope shit. You got something to live for, you know?

That's some dope shit. Professor Snake. That'd be fun. The dumbest thing he's ever done is coining the term badussy. That's a good character, bro. I fucking love it. That is true. That has got to be, bro. I fucking love it. That is true. That has got to be the one.

Yeah, my handwriting sucked ass tonight because I was fucked up when I put my name in that bucket. Really? What did you do today? Everything. I live in Portland, you know. Like what? What did you do today?

I fucking woke up. Actually drunk as fuck. And I drank more. And then I did some Adderall, I think. If you want to know the truth. And then I drank more. What about the weed? Oh, fucking, that's a given.

We live in Portland now. Come on. Come on. That's how you come back to reality now, is weed, huh? Do you have erection problems? Actually, yes. Wow, Brian knows. You called it yes. Wow. Brian knows.

You called it on the point. Brian knows what's going on. He was once that shape, too. I mean, he is 24. You should snort some 4hims.com. Yeah, that's true. It'll help you with everything. Alright, Justin. Well, congratulations.

You're a very funny guy. Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. Hell yeah, Justin Orzel. Fuck yeah, guys. Well, congratulations. You're a very funny guy. Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. Hell yeah, Justin Orzel. Fuck yeah, guys. Fuck yeah. Impressive. We're flying through it now.

It's a surgical summer. Nope. Potagal. The amazing sounds of Potagal. We're stalling so that we can get any song we'll do I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Brandon

Lyons everyone Brandon Lyons alright here we go Brandon Lyons ladies ladies and gentlemen. I like smoking weed. I don't like buying it, though. They always ask dumb questions when you go in there, like what you want the weed to do for you.

I'm like, are you a cop? You know what weed does. Why are you asking me that? And they say, no, I just want to match the weed to the activities you plan on doing. Are you going to mow the lawn on this weed? You're going to do the dishes on this weed? It's like, why do I have to do chores to smoke the weed? Can I just smoke the weed?

Besides, I don't really know what to say to that. I know I want a good weed. I know I want a weed that will make me seem like I have Asperger's, right? But you can't be like, hey, give me a weed that puts me on the spectrum, please. You can't say that. But what you can say, if you're looking for something, say,

give me a weed that makes me think I should put out candles by clapping at them. Do you have that one? Portland is a dope place to walk around high when you're black because you'll feel super important. Thousands

of Black Lives Matter signs everywhere, right? Portland has more Black Lives Matter signs than black people. What is up with Thank you so much. Yeah. Brandon Lyons. Fuck yeah. That's how it's much. Bye. Yeah. Brandon Lyons. Fuck yeah.

That's how it's done. That's someone that thought there was a chance that they might get pulled out of the bucket. I had no idea. I swear. Wow. That was awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Actually, it's been about four and a half years.

I started listening to your podcast when it started. Oh, look at that. Really? No joke. Wow. No joke, yeah. That's incredible. Professor Snape.

I would like to offer you a position in House Slytherin. Take it, man. Take it. I'll take it. I'm not having to clean it up. They let black people in Slytherin. It's cool. No, you are the janitor of Slytherin.

I've listened to this show before. I knew where that was going. I wasn't planning on going that way, but if you set me up, I will take the date. Oh, my God. Oh, god. Creepiest eyes. Wow.

Brandon, I will say this. Out of all the people that have told me that they started stand-up because of listening to this show, that's definitely the best set anybody's ever had. Yeah. Telling me that. So you say you start, when was the first time you ever went on stage? Yeah, like four and a half.

There's a place called Boiler Room. It's closed now. It used to be there, yeah. Yeah, that's where I started. And then. Yeah, and so what made you say that you haven't been doing it as much? No, I do it all the time. No, I do it all the time. No, I do it all the time.

You just do open mics and stuff around town? Yeah, try to hit all the open mics. The open mic here on Tuesday is like the best open mic in town. Hit that one. Oh, yeah. I have a show on Al's Den every Friday and Saturday. There's my plug. Yeah, you earned it.

You earned it. What do you do for a living? I walk dogs. I'm a dog walker. Wow. Good job. Really? Yeah.

How many dogs have you walked? What's the max you've ever walked at once? Once, like four. I think like four. Four? Little tiny ones, yeah. Have you ever tried to see how many you could do at once? They don't.

Like 16? I'm not getting my hands on enough dogs to do that. Sounds like you need to get your hands on more dogs. How long have you been walking dogs for? About a year, year and a half now, yeah. The dogs ever do anything crazy to you? No, not the dogs. Just usually the neighbors will call the police when I'm going into people's houses.

Wow. Imagine that. Holy shit. One time it was really bad. Three SUVs pulled up. So I'm like, oh shit, what do I do? Should I pick up the dog for protection? Because they're not going to shoot a white person's dog, right?

That's not going to happen for sure, right? So that's what I did. I picked up the dog. It was cool. People see you going into the house. They call the cops. You come out with dogs. Police ever like, put down the fucking dog.

No, they're cool. I just showed them in the app. I think in Portland, cops kind of feel bad for all the fucked up shit they're doing in other places. So they kind of give you the leeway. If you're light skinned like me. Right, right, right. Yeah. Thank goodness.

I got to qualify that. You're tan. Professor Snake. Thank you. Next time, tell the police officers you are Drake and there will be no problems. God damn it. It's a great idea. You are light-skinned.

Both of your parents black? White mom, black dad. White mom, black dad. Way to go, dad, right? As the prophecy... Sure. ...goes. I'm really tough.

It happens to be Father's Day. Did you call your dad today? Did you talk to him? Wait a second. There's so many places to go. Wait a second. Are you about to tell me that your black dad isn't around anymore? Why?

Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. Professor Snape. He should have... His father's name is he who shall not be named. Jesus. I can't believe you went through with that. What's the deal with it?

No, I just... Wow. That's cold shit. Got it. Go ahead, Brandon. Tell us. What is going on with it? Okay.

Just wasn't close with him growing up, so I don't feel like I owe him a call anymore. This is like my punishment to him is I don't call him on Father's Day. Whoa. Fuck yeah. The ladies. Whoa, fuck yeah. The ladies go crazy. Hell yeah. There is a

darkness brewing inside of you. And I am rather enjoying it. I mean, that's pretty that's pretty deep to not call your dad on Father's Day on purpose all knowing do you ever call

your white mom and be like hey happy Father's Day to you white mom you're my real dad well I do it on Facebook so I get a bunch of likes for it so you're slapping him in the face exactly you think you ever talk to him? I do talk to him sometimes, yeah.

I do talk to him. When I need money, I talk to him. What does he do? He works in like a warehouse. He managed... I'm just waiting for the Lion King one. I'm just surprised. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You're definitely not black enough. I'm not black for the Lion King one. I'm just surprised. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're definitely not black enough. I'm not black enough? No. Nice try, bud. No, the guy that colored the DC comics had a better chance of getting that than you did. Yeah, he's half black. Yeah.

He's half black. No, he's not. You're tan, man. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry. So, Brandon, you have a black dad that cream-pied your white mother.

So my question is, what are you into? Do you have a preference in the type of ladies or men or whatever you're into? I love everybody. You love everybody. Yes. Do you like to cream-pie like your father did? Oh, God.

No, they've developed new methods like pulling out now. That's what I do. Oh, that's a new method. Yeah, you're right. Man. So, Brandon, like your most recent girlfriend or boyfriend or anything, what were they? I have a girlfriend right now. She is Eritrean. Wow.

If you say that spell again, I will have to kill you. He is unsteady. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Oh, he's stopping the people. I do not want your silly chants. This is so fucking dope.

The show would be nine hours long if you chanted my name every time I told a good joke. Now wouldn't it? Oh, God. All right, Brandon Lyons. Oh, God. All right, Brandon Lyons, you absolutely fucking killed. That's as good of a set goes. If we did this show regularly in Portland, I'd make you a goddamn regular. Thanks, dude.

Thank you. You're amazing. Thank you so much. Usually we have a comedy show after that we would invite you to. So sorry. I appreciate you guys so much. You guys are awesome. There you go, Brandon. Brandon Lyons, ladies and gentlemen. It happened.

Portland's got at least one killer in here. The helium management better recognize what the fuck just happened there because that was a hot minute. Knocked it out of the park. That guy opening up for some of the people that they have come in here. Right? Don't you guys think they should do that for Brandon Lyons? All right.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jama Basquez. Jama. James. James. Man, you guys all have shitty handwriting. I promise you. No love for the haters.

There you go. Watch your step. There you go. James Vasquez. Yay. Scary. Feeling it. So I've been trying to stay out of bars lately.

But if I stay out of bars, I'm going to miss out on some of the great conversations I've heard. Like recently I heard this conversation between a man and a woman. It was just two sentences. The man goes, hey, do you remember that band Hoobastink? And the woman goes, shut the fuck up! And it was the greatest conversation I've ever heard.

I don't want to miss out on that shit. I don't like going to bars anymore though, because I know what I look like. Like, I go into a bar, it's 80% dudes, 20% girls. Like, I need better numbers

than that. So I've been hanging out a lot at, like, Joanne Fabrics lately, so it's a pretty good deal. I love Portland, though. It's great. It's a fun city.

People here are super nice, sometimes too nice, though. Sometimes it feels like everybody here is in this imaginary race to out-empathize each other. Just gotta say, we're not all Gryffindors, okay? You're gonna meet a lot of Slytherins out there. Not everybody's a winner. In fact, if the city of Portland... Go ahead, go ahead, James, if you want to finish. If the city of Portland had a city flag,

it would be a participation ribbon. All right. All right, there you go. You got it out. This is a long set for a wide man, James Bastien. What size pants do you wear? Professor Snape, I'm going to let you... 42.

I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot here, but I'm pretty sure you made a Harry Potter reference there. I did not like what he had to say. Especially coming from a hip waiter at the Olive Garden. That's definitely getting high on his own supply. Turns out the waiters have unlimited, unlimited breadsticks.

Double unlimited? James, you are adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Eight years. Fuck yeah. All here in Portland? Three years here, five years in Texas. Where in Texas? San Antonio, Austin. Awesome. fuck yeah What do you do for a living?

Work here and I'm also a mailman A mailman? A real mailman? Yep Like you deliver people's mail? I'm a legit mailman, yeah Or are you just a mailman? Well, that too, yes

Kind of a double entendre there Federal employee, yeah, yeah Wow, and you work here at Helium Comedy Club. How long have you worked here? Three years when I moved here. What made you come up from Texas to Portland? This scene is a lot better than Texas. The mail scene?

The mailman scene. Yeah, the mailman scene. No, the scene in... The big-way shorts. Amazing up here. Yeah, the scene in Portland, it's wonderful. Yeah, we've never had a Latino mailman on this show before. I mean... They're giving us jobs now. Yeah, the scene in Portland, it's wonderful. Yeah, we've never had a Latino mailman on the show before. They're giving us jobs now.

You must have a lot of cool new things in your living room. I'm not at liberty to say that, actually. Do dogs chase you? Yeah, dogs are fucking assholes. I love them, but they don't like us. How do you run from them? I have my spray. assholes. I love them, but they don't like us. How do you run from them? I have my spray.

You just spray the dogs with it. No, I've never sprayed a dog. Fuck you. I've never sprayed a dog, but we have the option. You actually have the option to spray down a dog that's just protecting your... That's why I don't do it, because I know they're territorial.

Good man. down a dog that's just protecting your yeah no that's why i don't do it because i know it's just they're territorial it's not yeah yeah so good man good man all right so uh so james uh what do you uh what do you do for fun when you're not being a mailman or doing stand-up you must have some uh hobby uh that takes up most of my time i guess i go to a lot of uh concerts punk rock punk rock guy yeah really yeah what do you go to a lot of concerts, punk rock, punk rock guy. Really? Yeah. You go to, you're into punk rock? What's that? You're into punk rock? Punk rock, yeah. You look like you eat a lot of mosh potatoes.

That's good, that's a good one. When in Rome, make a mosh potatoes. You know what I mean? Fat guy that likes punk rock. We've never had that before. Fuck you. He looks like a roadie for Smash Mouth.

I feel like I look like a bass player. People say that a lot. Do you play bass? Yes, I do. That'd be one of those things that you do when you're not being a mailman or a stand-up comedian. Are you in a band or anything like that? No, I'm doing stand-up. That's what I'm focusing on, so. Hell yeah.

Maybe you should play your bass while you're doing stand-up delivering mail. Seems like a lot. Do you ever play bass live anywhere? No, I haven't played it much in a long time. No, you just pretty much play in your living room? Yeah, yeah. You must get tons of pussy

No Every now and then You never just bring a chick in You're like, hey, I know I don't have any Guitar or drums to back me up But I'm just going to play my bass for you That's what it sounds like, Brian That's what he would sound like Yeah, that's what it sounds like, Brian. That's what he would sound like.

Yeah, that's about it. Wow, that's fun. James, what do you love to eat? Yeah, I had barbecue today. It was pretty good. How many times? Just once. That's a logical question.

Hell yeah. What did you talk about on stage again? I can't remember. What did I do? Just staying out of bars and then made fun of Portland a little bit. Oh, you made fun of Portland? Yeah. But you're not, yeah, that's right, you're not from here.

No, I'm from Texas. I can't remember. Why did you say you moved here again? The comedy scene. Ah, interesting. You decided to move to Portland. That's interesting. Why that over L.A. or New York? I didn't feel like I to move to Portland. That's interesting. Why that over L.A. or New York?

I didn't feel like I was ready to make that big of a jump yet, so this is a great in-between. You're not ready to make any jump whatsoever. You have a five-inch vertical leap, James. I can't jump at all. I have no balance. Oh, my God, Brian. Wow, that was a little cold.

That's the meanest sound. Even Snape finds that unacceptable. Snape covered his mouth. This guy's literally been chased by demons and shit. And he's like, oh, that's. You know, you seem like you're actually really healthy for a big guy, though. You're like healthy big guy. Yeah, healthy.

Like a food eating competition. I walk like 12 miles a day. See? There you go. Oh, yeah. 12 miles a day. And Red Band is on keto. The world makes no sense.

You talking about carbs, bro? You walk 12 miles a day? Yeah. All downhill? No. Where do you walk 12 miles? It's all pretty flat. For work?

Yeah, my route. My whole route. This is a mailman. I've only been doing it for like eight months. Wait. You're actually doing a walking route? You're not doing a driving route? No.

See? Killing it. Wow. Getting exercise. Getting to taste my dog. Yeah. All right. I walk around and listen to podcasts all day.

Do you ever smell the packages? We had a package of fish that had died once. I smelled that. No, I mean like on purpose. Like you know it's a girl. Wait, how was the fish alive? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What do you mean you had a package of a fish that had died?

Someone bought like a feeder fish for whatever kind of exotic fish they had, and then they all died. How do you know that they died? Because it smelled like dead fish. How was it contained? In a leaky box. Wow. Fish died. Was it you?

Were you driving a little crazy? No, no. They showed up like that. We still had to deliver it because it had – He was running. All right, James. Well, anything else for James, guys? Just keep up the good work, man.

Mailman, you know. It's cool. It's good work. Working for the government. There you go. Keep up the good work. James Vasquez. We're plowing through it. Everything's happening. We're moving along smoothly. DJ. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Nick Garza. Here we go. Nick Garza. Here he comes one more time for Nick Garza, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. So I got an eight-month-old baby at home and a four-month-old baby on the way because what else is there to do, right? Okay.

No, but I used to think my baby was really good looking. And now I just go look at pictures and just think that, wow, his mom's face is really big. No, but a lot changes when you have kids, you know. Like, I used to think, I don't know, sex was good. Now, every time we just make eye contact with the baby, it's awkward. Don't have kids. I don't know. I feel like... There you go. He didn't hear it.

The crowd was going crazy. Nick Garza, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Here we go. Let's start off with a little Professor Snape. First off, I would like to say happy Father's Day. And the rest

of your story is tragic. Nick, how old are you? 23. 23. Wow. And you really have an eight... Even more tragic.

And you really have an eight-month-old? Yes, sir. For real. And you have a... And you have a... What would we call it? Four months. Another bun in the oven or a tostada,

I guess, in your case, something like that. Four months. Kamali. She's four months pregnant? Yes, sir. Oh my fucking God.

The only one that's here. She's over there. Yes, sir. Sweet. Wow. She's the one doing the shots, right? Over there?

Damn, what's wrong with you, Nick? I mean, like I said, there's nothing with you, Nick? I mean, like I said, there's nothing else to do out here. Man, why do I feel like Trump's going to play this clip next week when he's explaining why we're taking the children at the border? Have you heard of PlayStation? I'd like to reference this clip of Kill Tony live in Portland.

See, I already told you. I don't have a track impression. Have you heard of PlayStation? You know, like going outside? When you talk about your wife like that, she must think, how romantic. He's like, oh, shit, what did I just say? I'm screwed. Nick, what do you do for a living?

Not pull out. Nick, what do you do for a living? I work right now. What? I work right now. What? I work with Bounce and Benz. It's like a bounce house business. A bounce house business? You work.

Busy right now. Then kids come. You're a driver? Yeah, I'm a driver. Wait, so you drive. I drop them off. I pick them up. You drop kids off and pick them up.

No, no. He drops the bounce castle. Oh. You drop kids off and pick them up and take them. No, no, that's the kid. He drops the bounce, the castle. Oh, you're that guy. Honestly, I was hoping that I'd be like, do, do, do, do. You know, like. No, no, no.

You can't request the music that you are. No, I didn't think, I was hoping. That's not how it works. Wow, how long you been delivering bouncy houses for? That's the craziest job I've ever heard. Yeah. What do you do after you deliver it? Then what?

It's a lot of free time. Yeah, okay. Well, you've got to blow it up. That's when you make babies. That's when you're making babies. You've got to blow it up, right? Babe, I've got a gig this weekend. You want to just hang out in the truck for a couple hours?

While the kids bounce? That's where I get it in. All right, so you have to drop off the bouncy house and then you're responsible for blowing it up? Both of them. And then you have to let all the air out. That bouncy house must be more depressing

than your life. Is there a lot of pee and poo in those things? Is there a lot of pee and poo in those things when you clean it up? We got pee and poo shooed into the show somehow. It's for kids. I'm sure they get nervous. Is there a lot of pee and poo in those things when you clean it up? Here we go. We got pee and poo shoo-worn into the show somehow. It's for kids. I'm sure they get nervous. Is there a lot of pee and poo in the bouncy house?

Let's ask. Is there a lot of pee, pee, and poo, pee, poop? Let me field this one real quick. Working with pee and poop ain't so bad, okay? Go ahead. Is there a lot of pee, pee, and poo, poo, poo, poo? The worst I've gotten is water. That can be the only thing that's the worst

You sure it's water? Did you taste it? Yeah I don't know if it's water I can only tell you you know I've only been working there for a couple of weeks you know Sir you shut up What kind of stuff like when you drop it off Are the kids really super excited

And then when you take it away They're like crying Annoying I hate you man Yeah get used to that fucking sound man The way you're making babies They they're going to be fucking. You have the perfect job. You have bounce houses for your kids forever.

I can't bitch about it, to be honest. Nick, how long have you been with this baby mama of yours? I moved from Texas to the Tri-Cities. It was not from here. From the Tri-Cities a year and a half ago. You got to move from the Tri-Harder cities. Where are the Tri-Cities? What are those?

In Texas? It's 30 minutes away. It's like a little minute from here. So you moved here from there. Yeah. And you met her. Yeah, I got the opportunity What did she do for a living?

She was a server at Texas Roadhouse Alright Peck peck Look at you guys A server at the Texas Roadhouse And a bouncy house 23 year old delivery driver And you're just making fucking babies

Yeah She Mexican too? No, she's white. That's why I came up. Whoa. Oh, you said he came up. I've been really trying, baby. Wow, you did it, dude.

Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. And we have another winner. Text Max. Fuck yeah. What does her dad do for a living? To be honest, he works for a pretty good company. I was trying to get in. Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just hear what he said? He just said, I tried to get in with this company, but I fucked that up. How'd you fuck it up? How'd you fuck that up? I just smoked weed and stuff. Ah. Wow.

So now you're delivering bounce houses. I'm from Texas. Weed's not legal. They got it. Aw, shucks. I came over here just for that reason, honestly. Because it was legal. and so I said, I mean, it's a fucking come up from where I'm from.

You're here for just the weed? What was that? The weed? I mean, not here. I live in the Tri-Cities. I just got the opportunity to come over here, so I said it's better than Texas. Because he can smoke weed here.

If I get caught with weed, then I'm fucked. What city in Texas? Mexico? No, wait, wait. You know what? Mission. What city in Texas? Mexico? No, wait, wait. You know what? Mission. Do you know what that is?

The mission? You mean the determined camp? Yeah, you know San Antonio? Yeah, yeah. It's three hours south. You know Mexico? Like two minutes up. Oh, wow.

All right. Pretty sure he just admitted that he's from Mexico. New Mexico. Oh, New Mexico. Yeah. All right. You look like you're from old Mexico. All right.

But, Nick, we had a lot of fun with you. Another good set, man. We've had some great sets here tonight. Another one. Nick Garza, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep flying through it. So many fucking names in this bucket. We're not obviously clearly, as always, never going to be able to get through to everyone.

But let's see what this one does. Brandon Wilson, everybody. I found God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Brandon Wilson is coming. Yeah, yeah Brandon Wilson is coming.

Coming in hot. Yeah, yeah There he is. Make some noise, Brandon Wilson. So I have two daughters, and the most annoying thing that anybody ever says when you tell them that you have two daughters is, what are you going to do when the boys start showing up? It's like, I don't really want to think about my five-year-old sex life. And I'm not too worried about it, really, because I wiped shit out of that girl's vagina for a year and a half. I am not worried about some prepubescent boy trying to stick his dick in her.

But the absolute worst people that you run into are the dads who are like, well, I'll just be cleaning my gun when her boyfriend show up. It's like, that's really not gonna do anything, buddy. He's still gonna try to cum on her.

Like, you can clean your gun all you want. That guy is still going to try to stick his dick in your daughter. So you're just wasting your goddamn time. Where the fuck is that cat? Not there yet. There it is. Brandon Wilson. Fuck yeah.

I don't know why that's playing. This is the Dateline theme. Oh, my God. Oh, because he's like all the boyfriends? No, because his five-year-old daughter is talking about having sex. Oh, I see. Creepy dude. I'm just going to say it.

Okay, it's cool. Whatever. So let's begin. Brandon, you look like you work out a lot. You're a healthy guy. Sometimes, yeah. I like I work out a lot, and then I go off the rails and drink a shitload of beer

How long have you been doing stand up? 52 seconds So that's your first time ever There you go I can do the math on that I know what that means Is this something you've wanted to do for a while? Yeah, for a long time

Have you been listening to the podcast for a while? Yeah, a few months now Very cool And what do you do for a living time. Have you been listening to the podcast for a while? Yeah, a few months now. Very cool. And what do you do for a living? I drive a bread truck. A bread truck? Oh, shit.

You just made Red Band jizz in his pants. He hasn't had bread in, what is it? 19 days. 19 days. No bread, right? Gluten free. No carbs, no sugar. All the bread and donuts. What company do you work for?

Dave's. Friends? The yellow trucks. Cool. Anyway, how long have you been driving bread for? Two years. Close to two years. Do you get yeast infections a lot?

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Snape? He's delivering them. Son of a bitch. Sometimes you are awestruck by how dirty a muggle can be. Brandon. I clean under the foreskin, it's okay. What did you just say?

I said I clean under the foreskin, it's okay. All right, Brandon, you look like if Stone Cold got hooked on meth. He looks like Slow Rogan. Yes. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Ooh, he got a fist bump out of that. So what else are you into, Brandon?

You drive a bread truck. You must have a lot of fun hobbies. You shoot a bow and arrow or something like that? I do. He does! Got it. He's wearing an Onnit shirt. When was the last time you had elk?

A couple months ago. Ew. You're wearing an Onnit shirt. You a big fan of Cam Hayes? Yeah, I follow him on Instagram. Hell yeah, you do. What else? What other ways do you

follow in Joe Rogan's footsteps? Listen to your show. Yeah, what else? You take vitamins every day? No. Forhims.com, you can take vitamins every day. Forhims.com. Forhims.com.

Have you ever killed a man? Don't snort, ForHims.com. Can't talk about it. Because you look like somebody who's killed a man. Okay, anyway. I've actually heard that before. I do have that face. Brandon, in real life, what is,

because you do look like you're recovering from something or something like that. You look like you're not just a little goody two-shoes. So what is something crazy about you? What's the worst thing you've ever done? Worst thing I've ever done? Sure, just be honest. Don't worry about it.

Worst thing I've ever done is probably just drink too much and make stupid decisions. Like what? What kind of stupid decisions? Me and one of my friends decided that we were You seem like the kind of guy that would get drunk and draw a dick

on his own head. No, no. Me and my buddy actually got drunk and decided that we were just going to spar in the parking lot of a bar. With just your fist?

Yeah. That's a brilliant idea. It was a great idea. It was a gravel parking lot. Cops showed up. Professor Snape? I'm learning that Portland has more and more white trash than I once thought. I'll say this. I'll say sparring with bare

fists with your friend just to do it is some of the white trashiest shit I've ever heard. That's a great answer. That same night, I, for whatever reason, broke my phone, and my wife couldn't get a hold of me for hours and hours. So she thought I was actually, like, dead in a ditch somewhere. Who won the fight? I did.

He went to the hospital. Really? That's cool. Really? What happened to him that he had to go to the hospital? He had a He went to the hospital. Really? Cool. Really? What happened to him that he had to go to the hospital? He had a broken nose. Are you still friends? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Ever since that night he covered for you when you cheated on your wife and had to break your phone to make up a story. You're always going to be friends after that. Payback. Fuck yeah, Brandon. What what else what are some other you know you just started stand up so there's no point in giving you any notes or anything

like that I mean what else about your life if there was a book written about Brandon Wilson what would be one of the most interesting chapters you have weird parents or anything like that my dad's dead yeah how'd your dad die heart attack 53 wow

heart attack at 53? Happy Father's Day! I had to bring that up on Father's Day. Oh my god. Oh, that's gonna make him feel better. He had an open heart surgery. He had a double bypass and he actually asked to get a pack of cigarettes after he got it.

So I'm like, fuck it, dude. How heavy was he? He was that heavy of a smoker. Huh? He was a very heavy smoker. Oh, yeah. Man. Multiple packs a day?

Yeah, oh, yeah. Wow. Fuck. What was his favorite type of cigarette to have? Cool 100s. That's one. White dad, too. Oh, yeah, that's fucked up. Imagine that. What was that last part? White dad. White dad. Cool 100s. That's one. White dad, too. Oh, yeah, that's fucked up.

Imagine that. What was that last part? White dad. White dad. Cool 100s. Yes, we know you. Well, the other guy said he was half black, so. No other race would claim you.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You know, see, black people, I can be racist towards my own as well. Why did your dad, like I'm always weird when like white people smoke menthol cigarettes. It's like adults who like Legos still. There's something like, you got raped at a weird age in an urban neighborhood somewhere. Oh my god, Jesus. I think the stereotype got attached to black

people wrong. Like, it's just... It's just, what? I think the stereotype of menthol cigarettes... That's just because your dad smoked it. I don't know one white guy that smokes menthol cigarettes. I wouldn't hang out with a white guy that smokes it. I knew one, but he's dead. Ryan also doesn't know any black guys that smoke menthol cigarettes.

Oh, my goodness. All right, Brandon. We're going to keep flying through people here. Congratulate him. It's his first time ever on a stage. That's Brandon Wilson. It could have been you. If you had the balls to sign up, you could have been a local hero

tonight. You just always have to wonder what would have happened. What would have happened? We need to get a lady up here, right? I know, I know. Hopefully, eventually, it'll happen. But right now, the bucket decides Bruce G. My English teacher wanted to

flunk me in junior high. Oh, fuck yes. Here he comes. Right in the middle of the audience, you podcast listeners. Here he comes. The hand's going to go to Bruce G, everybody. Holy fuckawits. Hi, guys.

Magic is real. Nah, this is just fucking bizarre. I won a little lottery. You guys are amazing. Hi, Portland. I love you. I live here. It's fucking amazing.

Happy Pride. That's the important thing today. I love me some LGT BBQ. No, it's delicious. I don't partake. I'm a vegetarian. I'm more on the spectrum than the rainbow. I've got ADHD,

ADHD, attention deficit, hyperactive disorder, and dragons. Adam Atreo, where do we go? Tokyo smells like kaiju pussy. Very few people know that one out of four major catastrophes is caused by horny kaiju.

Bruce G. You want to finish it? You want to finish it that badly? You can go ahead now, but we have to stop people at a certain amount of time. But if you really wanted to finish it, you can finish it. Did you want to finish it? It's horrible, yes, sir. Okay, go ahead.

Kaiju, of course, are massive monsters. With huge hard-ons. Wow. Wow. That was definitely worth the wait. I had to. Thank you. Professor Snape.

This is what happens when you let a house elf do comedy. It is incredible. Very close. This is the first time we've ever had someone on the show that's officially in the Lollipop Guild. Motherfucker. Look at you. There was a part of your set when you said happy gay pride, LGBT barbecue,

in which I'm thinking to myself, there is no fucking way this guy is gay. And it turns out I was right. You're not gay. You look like the opposite of a gay guy. Has anyone ever told you that? You know, it's fucking horrible because I kind of look like the enemy.

Right. But not at all, man. You look like you drive Dodge Right. But not at all. You look like you drive Dodge cars in Charlottesville. Nah, I'm for freak party and I don't drive cars. Fuck yeah. You look like if Stone Cold Steve Austin

had stage four cancer. Fucking A. Wow, that's fucked up. But you don't. But you don't. But you don't. Thank you. Mr. Nice Guy, Danger Aaron here. Just to clarify, just in case you got confused and thought you were on the doctor show where

I give away your special diagnoses that we took before the show started. Don't jump on, right? What? Don't jump on. What are you saying? Cancer is a bad tag. Should I jump on? Cancer is a bad tag. Should I jump on? Cancer is a bad tag.

I don't get it. I lost my mom at 15 to cancer. I had two years of remission. Oh, yeah. That's why I said I was. Fuck you. You're a professional. You were supposed to help me.

Dr. Danger does not mean I'm a professional. Jesus. Wow. The truth not mean I'm a professional. Jesus. Wow. The truth hurts. Hell yeah. Bruce, how long have you been doing stand-up? I opened once for a dude in Fresno in the early 90s. So you did it once before in the 90s, and this is your second time?

Yeah. All right. There we go. What do you do for work, Bruce? I don't. Really? I'm looking for it. That's why I'm here.

I heard this motherfucker is putting together an elite band, an elite cadre of assassins. Wait, what? My kung fu is strong. He runs a fucking death squad. Bruce. I tried. Bruce, did someone hit you in the head with an aluminum bat before this?

What did you used to do for a living? A whole lot of shit, Tony. You have a look to you. You look like you had a serious life. Like a manager of a movie theater. Nah. The worst shit. What was it?

You answer questions like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Jesus fucking Christ. Can't get anything out of you. I'll give you one of the better ones. From a corporate breast implant, penile implant, other medical device.

What? Wait, did you make them or did you just... No, I was in the clinical studies program so I just made all the data. Hold on, this kid's about to go find his monkey, Curious George. He just decided right now. Peaking out.

I don't even know what the kid looks like. It just seemed funny in the moment. Can you still get discounts on some breast implants? Like a box of them? Nah. Yeah, because Brian needs a box of breast implants. I have a good idea for a pillow. Leave me alone.

Shark tank it. I had a great mouse wrist pad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried using those. They're not soft. That was your severance pay? It was a mouse, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried using those. They're not soft. That was your seventh pay? It was a mouse? No, it fucking exploded, but it was like years older.

How long did you work that job for, Bruce? About two years. What else have you done in your life? Ran a bunch of small businesses. Like what? Had a game shop. Like video games? Cards and...

Rattle off your small businesses to us. Other than the one in your pants right now. That I did. Motherfucker! Okay. Yeah, I got you, Bruce. Do an uplifting.

I used a... I made a really shitty generic business license a what? generic business license and I registered it with the city and the state so I could do whatever the fuck

I wanted it wholesale and not and kind of skip taxes and stuff so imported laptops for creepy German guys to sell second rate BMW software

to people when they still had to have expensive machines. A whole bunch of other stuff. A lot of fraud, I see. You worked directly with the Nazis. Very good. No, I met him through... Met who? I met the guy through an Armenian gun dealer in Fresno.

Wow. Was this the night of stand-up? What's that? Never mind. Are you married? Ellen! You married? Is that a wedding ring I see? Oh, yeah.

How long have you been married for? About three years. Three years? Fuck yeah. What's she like? What is she into? Where'd you meet her? She's a nerd like me.

She's like, I'm not a nerd. I just heard that. Some girl just queefed in the audience. Did you hear that? Speak for yourself, nerd. You look like a pretty cool nerd to me. I don't know. Right on. Dangerous playing the nice guy straight man on tonight's episode of Kill Tony.

It's really just wiring him. Hey, you look good. I love the stand-up. Good job. You don't have cancer. Good. I love it. It's really killing with the kids.

What are you doing? He hears Margaritaville. He just freaks out. He's like, I got to get out of here. You just shut down. It's time to drink. Bruce, why do you look like if Walter White survived but barely? You know, I skipped those drugs for the safety of people around me.

You know what? You were right. Put the mic back in the mic stand. It's Bruce G, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Thank you so much. Thank you, Bruce. People of all different shapes and sizes.

Come on, one of the first ever midgets on Kill Tony. We've had Wee Man. Little people. We've had Lila Hart. Hell yeah. There he goes. He's got a hard fist, that guy. We like to call them little people.

Oh, God, he just licked Jeremiah in the ear. Yeah. Oh. There he goes back to his seat. One more time for Bruce G, everybody. Back at it. Since 1990. Should we get a woman up here?

Should I just go through it? Let's just get a woman. A woman? All right, let's try this one. Put your hands together for Kaisa. K-I-S-A.'s just get a woman. Alright, let's try this one. Put your hands together for Kaisa. K-I-S-A. That might be a woman. Might not be.

Kaisa, here we go. We did it. Here she comes. Come on, Carla. Make some noise for Kaisa. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. My God. I feel like you guys are going to rip me apart tonight,

one way or another. Anyways. I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. And I got to say, hold your applause. I got to say, I went to public school, full disclosure. But I'm looking. And I gotta say, hold your applause. I gotta say, I went to public school, full disclosure. But I'm looking out and I am thinking I have never seen

so many white faces at one point in my life ever. Holler if you're white! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't fucking do that ever, ever.

I had a whole minute prepared that I decided was not funny. So I'm just going to tell you a little bit about myself. Myself. I, oh, that's it bit about myself. Myself. I, uh... Oh. That's it? Really? Oh, fuck. Kaisa?

Kisa. Kisa. Ladies and gentlemen. That went so quick. All right, what do you say we put this name back in the book and pretend like that never happened? Who's ready for another male comedian? Who's ready for another male comedian?

What's funny? What's funny? What were you doing on stage? Were you shitting yourself the whole time? I'm not sure. I was trying to really get a good look at them to make sure they were all white faces. I was right. Professor Snape.

You should not have been standing like that. I can only restrain myself for so long. Is that a magic wand in your pants, or are you just happy to be here? It's a twig. I gotta commend it to you, Jeremiah. You always hold your character the entire time. I'm really impressed with your stage presence.

We all are. Kisa, why do you look like if Stephanie McMahon got hooked on meth? Man, is that... Oh, yeah. I used to watch WWF. That's the daughter. I don't know. I do a lot. I work out. You... Oh, yeah. I used to watch WWF. That's the daughter. Yeah. I don't know.

I do a lot. I work out. You work out, yeah. Is that what you do? I work out a lot. Do you just come from working out? I teach bar and I teach yoga and I do a lot of sculpt and I've got strong legs. You really are.

And I have kids and I lift them a lot. I carry my kids around. You have kids? Yeah. How many kids do you have? Will you stop, Brian? Come on. Wow. Please. I'm begging you.. You have kids? Yeah. How many kids do you have? Will you stop? Brian, come on. Please, I'm begging you.

It's so stupid. I got two kids. Please, don't go to the fart soundboard. It's so horrible. Get out of there. With the same fella. Get out. Can you bend down again and do that at the same time he pushes that button? Get out of there. It's so unbearable. I'm not gonna, no. Do not listen to danger. Do not listen to danger. Do not listen

to danger. Do not listen to danger. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Timing. We got to do the timing. What do you do for a living? So I just got my... Unbelievable. There's a few things. The movement oriented things.

I'm a mom and then I just got my teaching license so I've been a substitute teacher for the last year. Wow. What have you been substitute teaching? Mostly. Making kids cum in their pants? Oh, my God. Yeah, you fuck any kids yet?

Jesus Christ. No. Wow. Mostly elementary, so probably not. How many kids do you have? You'd be surprised. Just two. Two kids.

How old are they? Two and four. At the same time? Wait, what did you say? What the fuck? Stop, Ryan. You have to. Listen. Two kids. How old are they? Two and four. At the same time? Wait, what did you... What the fuck? Stop, Ryan. You have to... Listen.

All right. Kisa, you still with your baby daddy? Yeah, he's here. It's Father's Day. Just kidding. Fuck yeah. He's lasted four years. You must be so proud.

He put his name in the back. He's been watching you for four years. Wow. He must be so pissed that you pulled out and that's what happened. I'm positive he's super sad right now, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. He's probably proud of me for being up here.

Our son is the Kill Tony kid, the one who goes, Kill Tony. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I love that. He's been watching you for as long as we have. He swears all the time now. Oh, that's perfect. They said that his little kid keeps on asking about areola colors

Very good So if you're listening, kid Look at your areolas and compare it to a crayon And give it to your mom Oh wow, this is the part where Brian broke Okay, happens every episode About 20-30 minutes from the end He gets a little too drunk

Stops listening and paying attention It's perfect. Enroll your child now in the school of Brian Redband. So, Kisa, wow, that's interesting. Is it? Fuck. Now,

you have a two-year-old and a four-year-old. Are you guys going to have any more kids? Is he still blowing loads inside you? Well, he's Catholic. That's what... Just straight to the point now. So I'm pretty much like,

I don't really know if... And he's like, I don't really know. We don't have any more room in our house or in our cars. You know? Oh, you... How many babies

do you keep in the cars? We have room for two car seats in my car. He just got a giant-ass bullshit truck. That's a great reason to not have another kid. Our house, however, is a little too small. You know those little ant traps,

the little metal round circles that you put in your room? You can just put one in your vagina. It kills all the cubs. Oh, my gosh. Okie dokie. I've been considering that. Please call now. Toll free to the school of Brian Redband.

You will regret it. Kisa. Kisa. So how long have you been doing yoga for? Yoga. Oh, since I was about 12. So 20-ish years. Was this your first time ever doing stand-up?

Yes. Hell yeah. What was the... In the minute that you didn't want to talk about because you thought, sure, yeah, okay. In the minute that you didn't want to do because you didn't think it was going to be funny, what was a part of that minute?

That was when I found out I was pregnant with my son and this stupid trip through the supermarket I had to go through to find a place that would actually sell a pregnancy test without having to go behind the pharmacy and get your shit blasted on the loudspeaker and shit. That was fucking crazy. Well, I went, so I ended up at Albertsons, and I swear to God, it's owned by some religious nut jobs or something something because I tried to go to the section that sold pregnancy tests, and they're like, no, you've got to go to the fucking pharmacy area for that. And then I went to it, so I'm like. Raid ant traps.

Like the little circle ones. All right, all right, all right. Noted, noted, noted. The cum goes in and never comes out. In short, it wasn't funny, so I bagged it. And then I was going to talk about some of my substitute teaching experiences, and I didn't even have time for that, apparently. It's been fun. It's been good.

What else do you, before having kids, like... That was a mistake, sorry. Remember four minutes ago when I said Brian's broken? You can time stamp it. I have this. You seem like, perhaps before these kids,

you may have had a little bit more of a wilder spirit. For sure. Oh, wow. Geez, I didn't realize you were the catch me outside girl. Can you give us an example of something wild maybe you did back in the day when you were still a... Yeah, I was actually married before this, and it's a hell of a story and he hates hearing

it. I bet he does. We've heard how your comedy sets go. I can't imagine how your long stories go. January 4th, 2010. It was a month after my birthday and I was dating a Sagittarius so we were both really impulsive. You know what?

I'm going to stop you right there. All right, we ran off 10. Pull the ripcord on that one. If the first 10 seconds is bad. That's fine. We got married in Vegas and got caught smoking weed and it was a big mess.

Perfect. Professor Snape? Oh. Okie. Conversational. Alto. Please get this woman off of the stage There she goes

Your first female of the night Kisa Help me Help me Thank you. Help me. Help me. Oh, my God. Jesus. All right, we're going back to the bucket. How many of you want another female?

How many of you want another female? How many of you want another man? So stupid. All right, put your hands together for Keith Sanders, everybody. Here we go. Wow, right from the middle. Oh, he's going to chuck his beer first. Wow. Look at this.

That's a first-time-ever maneuver. Here we go. Who wants a female. Look at this. That's a first time ever maneuver. Here we go. Who wants a female when you can have another dumb dude? Put your hands together for Keith Sanders, everybody. Got the lips. Happy Father's Day. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. My dad's dead.

And I was 13. Turned out my dad got swatted. He was growing a lot of weed. My mom was pregnant with my brother. But he said, Keith, don't smoke that goddamn marijuana till you graduate college. And I said, Dad, I won't. But he died. But we cremated him, which is the positive thing, because I rolled every fucking joint with a little bit of him in it, and I smoked it, and guess what? I nicknamed

my bong the Goblet of Fire. And to be honest, I know Tony kind of roasted this fucking guy, but honestly, Gilligan, if you don't drop Pat Benatar from the band, no one's buying your second album. Get rid of him. You're not selling shit. That is good. That's a good roasting.

That is what those people look like. It is Gilligan and Pat Benatar. Clearly you're a little bit older than me. You have older references than me. I liked it though. They do look like that. Keith Sanders, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to move back. I'm going to start with one of my favorite people, Professor Snape.

He looks like Hagrid if he had fetal alcohol syndrome. He looks like Hagrid if he had fetal alcohol syndrome. No Harry Potter reference will save you. Have you done comedy before? What? No, but I shook your hand earlier. No. I don't know. I just wondered because one thing that was very...

You don't have to scream. It doesn't make it funnier. It actually makes it more uncomfortable. A lot of people do that. They use that as a crutch for just screaming like anything they want. To be honest, I've been getting paid by the state. I'll whisper. I've been getting paid by the state for a few years just because I'm a little bit special.

What's special about you? Not your comedy. Nope. Oh, man. Yeah, how are you getting paid by the state because you're special? Kind of Ripley, believe it or not. I think we're going to believe that. My dick is the size of a chew can.

How's that? How's that? Everything that is about to happen to you, you 100% deserve it. Oh, damn it. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Keith, how do you get paid by the state? What's the deal with that?

Just tell the truth. So the second guy that went up in the Philadelphia Eagles sweatshirt, he's my boss. What? Yeah, that's pretty sad. He runs my life from Monday through Friday, 5 to 2 p.m., and guess what? What? I don't know. We work at a metal shop. You think I'm that informed?

You guys weld aluminum. Yeah. They don't let me weld. They don't let you weld? No, no, no. What do you do there? I get one DeWalt drill with one battery, and I have to charge it every... Oh, sorry.

God damn it, Brian. No. They don't let me touch the fire. What do you do at your job? I put shit into holes, and I line it up. I twist it real tight, and then I send it to Macy's, and they put clothes on it and send it to whores nationwide. Wow. You must get all the ladies.

Yeah. Damn. Wow. You must get all the ladies. Yeah. Damn. When's the last time you got laid, Keith? Last Father's Day. Last Father's Day. Is that true? It's the one year anniversary? Yeah, my girl, my fiance,

her dad died on Last Father's Day. Hold the phone immediately. Let's unwrap this. Someone is engaged to this creature. died on last Father's Day. Hold the phone immediately. Let's unwrap this. Someone is engaged to this creature. I know I made fun of him earlier, but me and Gilligan have been going

pretty strong lately. Me and you. Keith, Keith, Keith. Stay focused, man. Don't let your eyes wander too much. You're the first person in the history of a show to chug a beer after getting your name pulled and come up here. And normally, like, that's a very, you know, rock and roll thing to do if you're about to fucking kill it. You know what I mean?

Like, there's nothing really sadder than the guy like, this is my time. Glurp, glurp, glurp, glurp. And then just slowly doing mediocre on stage. I still feel like there's time to GGL on this stage right now. Fuck yeah. Are you gonna poop?

And that's a deep reference. Yeah, I don't really. Please don't poop. That's not deep. Please don't poop. It's like you're 30. Keith,

any interesting fun facts about you or anything like that? Is it true? Is your dick really like a can of tobacco? No, no, no. No, it's small. But maybe if I could call back to the Father's Day thing. Yeah, go ahead.

Last time I got laid was Father's Day. Yeah, this is cute. Last time I got laid was Father's Day last year. My fiance's dad died. Uh-huh. Yes, go ahead. But I gave her a special gift this year. Uh-huh.

I blew a load inside her and then ran off without telling her my name, just like her real dad. Though your skin is white, your neck is very red. Wow. How long did you work on that joke? I love that everybody from Portland pretty much has the same story, beard, backwards hat, and t-shirt. I have a dead parent. It's been a while since I've been laid.

I'm just talking about what makes me different than everybody else. One year to the day. So you're no longer with you. You're calling her your fiancé, but that was then. Yeah, but just like the second guy. She's been dead for 22 years. Nothing you say makes any sense. We're going to keep moving on. Keith Sanders,

ladies and gentlemen. Every once in a while, I try to fish to see if the person has any common sense left in their brain. Every once in a while, they don't. There's a perfect example. Keith Sanders can't even answer simple, straightforward questions at this point in his life.

You made it. Chug in another drink to show his dick size. Because that's what people respect. Put your hands together for Morgan Winnie. Morgan. Morgan Winnie.

Wine. Here we go. Here comes Morgan Morgan ladies and gentlemen Put your hands together for Morgan and Winnie Hey Hey so So I moved here Pretty recently

And I did what everybody does When they start dating And I started going on Tinder And so I was at a girl's house, and she was, like, asking me, kind of, like, what was the craziest thing that you do sexually, and I was, like, you know, I'm not really that crazy, I kind of, like, had sex in public, you know, not really anything too weird, and she was, like, well, I love licking buttholes, and I was, like, really, you do, and she was was like really you do and she was like I do do you want me to lick your butthole and I was like huh that sounds that sounds kind of fun you know but the only response that I

really had was like you know I've taken like four massive shits today so like so like if you're into that the only thing that you really had to say was, like, you got to take a shower first, you know? It's definitely something you got to do, you know? So, yeah. It rains a lot here, doesn't it? Fucking A. Yes, it does rain a lot. Morgan Winnie.

How's it going, you guys? Fuck yeah. Look who got his ass eaten, this little special. Do you remember my tiny hands? Yes, yes. Morgan was in the audience on the, I think it was the first show Friday night. Yeah, it was the first show. You were here too?

Yeah, he had tiny hands. This lady just went like that because I made fun of this guy. I brought my wallet up. I made fun of this guy's hands for ten minutes straight while doing my stand-up set because he has tiny hands. This lady just went like that. I brought my wallet up. I made fun of this guy's hands for 10 minutes straight while doing my stand-up set because he has tiny hands. Show them your tiny hands. They make my dick look massive when I masturbate.

That's a good trick. I have the same hands. For you podcast listeners... They're the same size, everybody. Morgan, relax. Take your pants off, guys. Morgan, why do you look like you were raised in a microwave? Because I'm Jewish.

Oh, no. Wow. That's racist. That's fucked up, man. Professor Snape. I like how that was the line for Portland Wow I love it when you put your tiny hands up to your face And laugh Morgan laughs like an Asian girl for some reason

Morgan what do you do for a living Well I I was a swim instructor. I taught kids how to swim. You taught kids how to swim? With those hands? I did, yes. I feel like with hands like those, you wouldn't even move in the swimming pool. You would just keep moving your arms, but you would just stay in one place.

They're much smaller than me, so it's, you know, I can like... They can relate to you. Wow. Yeah. Like, there's like a little buddy touching them, like... Okay, more. Oh, what was that? That was awesome.

You used to be a swim instructor. What are you now? I'm going to be working at Whole Foods. Wow, Whole Foods half-hands. That's crazy. What are you going to be doing? Slightly stocking the shelves? He won't be a bagger.

No, no, no. I'll be cooking food and making pizzas. Oh, wow. Appetizers. What are you? Tapas. Tapas. Oh, yeah.

I'm the best at that. I bet. What are you going to be cooking at Old Foods? Do you know? You're just cooking all the food? It's in Lake Oswego where all the fine people are. Mini corn dogs. Lots of corn dogs there.

All right, Morgan. What else? You do stand-up comedy? This is my first time ever. First time ever. Give him a hand. Give him a big hand. Give him two big hands. Give him two big hands.

He only has small hands. I need them. Wow. So that's fun. How long have you wanted to do this for? Like seven years. Seven years. You did it, man.

I did it. Yeah, dude. You fucking did it. You got your ass eaten. I did. I did. It was really bad. She really did that? You took a shower and she ate your ass? I mean, no.

When did that happen? It sounded nice, but I was really stoned and I didn't feel like taking a shower. Do you usually have a dirty ass? Is that something that you're... I shit a lot. Do you ever smell it and it smells like an armpit and're like there's no armpits in there a few times yeah i think i think when she saw your hand she realized that was probably gonna be the best move for the

evening it's just to eat your ass out because your dick's useless okie dokie guys i'm gonna uh right is that how it went down i mean kind of she, ooh, look at those hands right there. Did she really do it? Did she really eat your ass? She didn't, but she could have. I don't understand. Wow, what a lucky woman. People tell me that it looks like a wormhole. I don't know what that means.

What do you mean? Who are these people? People I've known my whole life. Your whole life? Wow, some good friends. A wormhole. I don't even know what a wormhole looks like. I know what a dirty asshole looks like.

It's supposed to be another dimension or something like that. Oh, when you and Keanu Reeves had that excellent adventure. I get it. Can you just keep making him laugh? Wow. So, Morgan, what else is interesting about your life? You're from Portland, born and raised? I mean, I was born in San Jose.

I just moved here like two weeks ago from San Jose. I used to live here. Oh, you moved here two weeks ago? About two weeks, yeah. Wow. What'd you move here for? I moved here because it's so fucking expensive in California. Is it cheaper?

Wow, what a great way to win over all the people of Portland. Why'd I move here? It's cheap. Fucking idiots. It's fun. How cheap is like a two bedroom apartment out here? Like just like in a nice neighborhood? I'm living for free. How cheap is a two-bedroom apartment out here? Just in a nice neighborhood. I'm living for free.

How are you living for free? Sucking dick, aren't you? Because I used to live here, and I know people. What do you mean you know people? He's a small-hand guy. I mean, how do you think I got that butthole story? Is everybody losing their minds right now? Did something happen in the

air eight minutes ago? Did someone troll my show and drop Agent Orange or something like that? Jesus Christ. Well, it could have happened. It's like, how am I supposed to host this shit? There you go.

Perfect timing on that. Alright, Morgan. Well, anything else interesting about your life? When I lived in California, I had like a really ridiculous, like a worse Tinder date than that. Yeah? What was the bad? How bad did that go? She like had all these pictures where she was kind of like, she had those pictures like that.

And then when we met up, she had like weird splotches all over her face. I wonder what she said about you. Oh my god. I went on this Tinder date the other day with a guy that had normal hands, except when I met up with him, he had fucking baby hands. I was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom and put my makeup all over my face weird so that it looks all splotchy and shit. It was great. I got out of there in a hurry. Alright, Morgan. We're going to keep

flying through it. There he goes. Morgan Winning. Congratulations. Yeah, a little curb. He wants to kick that guy to the curb. Your enthusiasm. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jesse Hooper. Here we go. You guys having fun out there still?

Okay, good. I like to make sure sometimes. Jesse Hooper. No, here it comes. Is he coming? Here Hooper. No, here it comes. Is he coming? Here it comes. Oh, here he comes. Oh, here he comes.

Jesse Hooper. Make some noise for Jesse Hooper, ladies and gentlemen. All right, well, now you all know who I am. And my job is where I actually just talk to strangers all day long. So I'm in the middle of a Walmart, just meeting everybody, just shaking hands. Hey, how you doing today, brother? Nice to meet you. And I get a lot of people that come up to me and they're just like, oh my God, I think I know who you are. And I'm just like, okay, I might be making, or I might know somebody who I might already know this person today.

Hey, who do you think you... This is also my first time, so thank you guys. I might already know this person today. Who do you think you... Who do you... This is also my first time, so thank you, guys. Woo! So they think they know who I am. So I'm like, okay, who do you think I am? And we end up talking a little bit, and I get all the time that I look like Sal from Impractical Jokers.

So... Ah! Touche. I hear it here and there okay I'll take that oh hey but thank you guys

I know I can't do the whole minute hey but I tried thank you guys thank you everybody doing good there, right? Laugh! Jesse Hooper.

Basically doing everything wrong. Fuck yeah. I tried it out. I'm excited about it. Hell yeah, Jesse. It's only uphill from here. Hey, that's one way. For those of you listening to the podcast,

when he said that he looked like Salvocano, a woman audibly said, not really. And then another heckler of a man yelled out, more like sloth from the Goonies. Are you guys? So I would just like to welcome you to the world of stand-up comedy. You are the boss.

You are the boss. Jesse went along with it and actually agreed with the guy. He told him good one after he said it, by the way. Instead of handling the heckler, he complimented him and then politely ended his

set. Some people get to live their dreams up here, and some people live the true nightmare. You know what I mean? When everything can go wrong, it will. Jesse, why do you look like you just switched bodies with a child but kept the clothes?

Big. Because they were all hand-me-downs, so I got them all from a kid that used to be a child. That's my older brother. Oh, sweet. I know. What's that necklace around your neck? It's a giant head of something, right? Yeah, it's a rhino. I used to work at Glass Smoke Shops,

and it's a glass rhino made by an artist in Arizona. Wow. You look more like a rhino than Sal Volcano, by the way. What was that? Nothing. What is that, Tony? So, Jesse, is this your first time doing stand-up? What do you do for a living?

You look like you sell OxyClean or something like that. Close. I do marketing. You do marketing? For what? Xfinity. Xfinity. Yeah. What is Xfinity? Wow. I hearity. Yeah. What is Xfinity? Oh, Jesus Christ. Wow.

Oh, crap. I hear it every day. I hear it every day. Oh, my God. People hate Xfinity. They turned on you. Holy shit. They turned on you, Jesse. Look at all the middle fingers in the air.

Professor Snake. Based on the volume of your booze, I shall decide whether or not to kill him right now. How many of you want Professor Snape to kill this man right now? Humiliation. Snape, I think you need to kill him. Humiliation. You're not going to feel a thing, dude.

You're just going to be dead. Look at that way. So why does everyone hate the internet here so bad? The internet, right? Did they get bought out by somebody else and you fucked it all up? What's going on with your company? I just sell the services.

I work for a third-party marketing group. Fuck you! Fuck this man. Humiliation. I just do representation. Humiliation. Look that way. You're about to die, bitch.

Humiliation. Has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Stark if you let himself go? Hey, I'll take it as a compliment. I'll kick. Iron deficiency, man. All right, he's going gonna tap you with a stick

and then you gotta get off the stage. Alright, deal. There he goes, Jesse Hooper. Wow, I've never I've never seen an internet service get such a What the fuck? Back to the curb theme.

It's such a funny thing to do after tapping somebody with a stick and ending their show business career. What do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time? Should we do it? I pulled a name out. Put your hands together for Jake Silberman. Here he comes, Jake Silberman, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, thank you guys. Just learned something embarrassing. I don't know if you guys know this, but ladies, I just learned that you guys use more than one tampon per period. Is that common knowledge? My girl had me

buy an 18 pack. I was like, this is like a year and a half supply. The way you're running through all my friends, we're definitely not going to be dating 18 months. Why am I buying the next dude's tampons? Seems fucking insane to me. I don't understand how dicks aren't regulated like everything else. Like, we regulate guns, booze, smoking, everything else, but this thing is just a lethal weapon. Like, you guys can't stop me from getting a girl pregnant tonight.

Fuck yes! Jake Silberman. Tonight. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Yes. Jake Silberman. That's how it's done, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Fuck yeah. You've been doing stand-up comedy a little while? Five years. I actually opened for you a couple years ago here at Helium.

Oh, cool. That's fucking awesome. Well, there you go. That's great. We had fun then, right? Yeah. You were late for the show. You didn't see my set, but it's chill. Oh, cool. That's fucking awesome. Well, there you go. That's great. We had fun then, right? Yeah, you were late for the show. You didn't see my set, but it's chill. Oh, bummer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let it be done.

Oh, my God. He was fine. He killed. He killed. He killed. You hold on a second. I am a goddamn professional. You are. I was here. It wasn't that I was late. I just didn't want to watch your set. Right, right. I was here. It wasn't that I was late. I just didn't want to watch your set. Right, right.

I was outside smoking pot. Yeah. Like I always do right before going on stage. Jeremiah Watkins. I mean, Professor Snape. Ron Weasley, do not talk to Voldemort like that. It's amazing. The Dark Lord will show you mercy.

Five minutes. I mean, five years you've been doing it. Five minutes. Your minute was great. Yeah. I don't know why. Your minute was great. Sure, yeah.

Okay. And what else, Jake? It seems like everything in life is cherry. And what else in your interview part could be interesting for us to find out about you? You're a real comedian. Do you still have a day job? I still have a day job. What's that?

I'm a writer for a YouTube channel. Wow. That would be where the... That's cool. That's like writer for TV nowadays. Fuck TV. I watch more YouTube. I promise you, as a member of the writers guild

and knowing what we and knowing what we make minimum it is not like writing for TV it depends it definitely does not no it doesn't you're correct thank you Jay so what have you written for on YouTube

I work for this I do this kids toy YouTube channel. All right. Never mind. Like you – Creepy. Wait, wait. Is that like you critique?

Is that like you critique the toys? Is that what you do? So this company that I work for has a toy, and it teaches kids how to do stop motion animation, and I write scripts for them. Oh, that is pretty cool. But it's all kids. It's like, you know, for like little kids. How long have you been doing that for? Like two years.

Damn. That's good. I like that. That's not bad. That's positive. So your girlfriend still has her period. Yeah. Oh, we haven't been.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's on to a new guy with the 18 pack already. Everybody else up here is just fucking making babies left and right. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. No one should have kids in this town. You use the pull-out method? Use condoms. You still use condoms? How long you been with her?

That joke was written when I had a girlfriend. Oh, okay. I gotcha. Now you use condoms all the time. What kind? Trojans. Trojan just regular? Magnums.

Not ultra? Magnums, really? It's not called Trojan Magnums. You're lying, man. It's two different companies. Wait, no, it's not. The gold wrapper one. Do you have one on you right now just in case anything were to happen?

No? I'm not fucking right now. Just have the extra small condom on you right now for some reason? You switch wallets with that other guy with the little hands or something? Yeah. Tiny Dick Morgan or some shit. That ain't my wallet. What the fuck? Little hands guy.

Where'd he go? All right. Well, I mean, what else, Jake? What else would be the most interesting thing about you if you had to guess? Let's see. The worst thing I ever did, I took part in a riot and flipped a cop car. Jake, what else would be the most interesting thing about you, if you had to guess? Let's see. The worst thing I ever did, I took part in a riot and flipped a cop car. And it wasn't great.

I mean... You flipped a cop car? When I was in college. You guys know that band Dead Prez? The guy, like, yeah, yeah. Yes. Big fan. Big fan? Yeah. Yes, big fan Big fan? Yeah

They came to perform at my college And like a riot took place And I helped flip a cop car over But it wasn't tight Because you just had to go to jail and pay a bunch of money It wasn't worth it So you got arrested I got arrested for it, yeah

Did you learn your lesson? Yeah, people say fuck the cops But they will fuck you up So you got arrested? I got arrested for it, yeah. Did you learn your lesson? Yeah. People say fuck the cops, but they will fuck you up. They will fuck you up real hard. If you think they get mad when you don't put your hands up, you should try flipping that fucking car. I mean, did you not think about it? Were you thinking, oh, Grand Theft Auto, I could do this all day?

Yeah, it was like 200 people, and I was one of five who got arrested. Wow, you're a sheep. Wow. Wow. You fucking blew it, dude. Fucking blew it. Jesus. Out of 200 people, there was five of you got caught.

You just got on camera. I was on camera. Someone taped it. It was just part of it. Yeah, you can't get away with flipping cop cars anymore. Not anymore, baby. Put your hands together for Jake Silberman. We're going to keep it moving, everybody.

I want to end this thing. But what do you say we just do one more quick one, huh? One more quick one. We all have to pee. I have a wet fart loaded up. I was making jokes with Jeremiah about it in the green room over two hours ago. I'm like, oh, I think I have a wet fart loaded up I was making jokes with Jeremiah About it in the green room over two hours ago I'm like I think I have to fart

Oh I don't think it's a fart That's still the same one it's right there I pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Luke Cecil Here we go Look at all these people that didn't get pulled out Here he is. Luke Cecil, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for your final comedian of the night.

Hello, everybody. Bit of an night. Hello, everybody. Bit of an adrenaline junkie, so I like to ride dirt bikes and I also injected heroin one time. Like to try everything once. Kind of wanted to be the only guy that's ever done it once. But, you know, I called Guinness and they weren't impressed. So, yeah.

It wasn't that great. It wasn't that impressed. It had a lot of hype. I didn't, you know, think it was that great. So I tried injecting cocaine into my veins as well one time. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that.

I couldn't watch. I had a friend do it for me. I was like this. And that's my thing. I love it. Luke Cecil, everybody. Yeah. Luke Cecil, everybody. Fuck yeah. Both.

He did both. So, wow. This is amazing. I can't believe we have Mr. Bean on the show for the first time ever. Junkie Mr. Bean. Yeah, exactly. The naughty boy Reince Priebus. All my friends were. I had to try it out. Totally cool.

Professor Snape, you have something you want to say about this guy? You are terrifying. It really does. You look like the type of magician that instead of pulling out a rabbit, all the things you pull out are dead. Like a dead rabbit out of a hat.

Like a dead pigeon flies out of the end of your sleeve. You only do it once, though. That's right. Has anyone ever told you you look like a character out of a Goosebumps book? Luke, it is a pleasure to meet you. I've never met anybody that...

Oh, I'm sorry, Snape? Specifically, the dummy. You know what I'm talking about. Fuck, yeah. Luke Cecil. So this is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, first time microphone. First time doing anything other than male gymnastics.

Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work? I drive truck. What kind of truck do you drive? It's a box truck. I've driven semi before.

My parents own a trucking company, so I've always tried to avoid working for the family company. But I'm still driving a truck just for somebody else, like a box truck. Right. So what types of things are you driving back and forth? Well, this job is actually a lot better. I'm just doing auto parts. It's all graveyard. So I just have alarm codes and keys, and I go to work hours overnight.

35. And you still work for your parents? No, no. I never worked for them. I'm the youngest of five. Oh, wow. Jesus. All right.

Relax. Oh, boy. I never worked for them. The heroin's kicking in. I never worked for my parents. Family drama with the family company. They don't like you doing heroin? Yeah.

While driving their truck? No. They don't like you doing heroin? Yeah. While driving their truck? Or their farm equipment. What do you do for fun, Luke? Shut up. This table, do you guys sign up? Okay, well next time, you either sign up or, oh wait, that guy was actually

on earlier. They both were. Lady, either you sign up or you shut up. You've been bombing from that table all night, both of you. Bad table. Next year, next year, next year I'm making you sit in the back. And it's gonna suck, because it's probably

gonna be at the Aladdin Theater. Just kidding, Helium. We love you. I just see the staff staring at me. Death stare. What did he say? The white trash in here are multiplying like gremlins. Wow.

Luke, what else about you? Anything else interesting? You're sweating a lot right now. Are you nervous? Do you always sweat? I always sweat like out of the face and like my hands, but never like your hands. You feel you're saying right now that you're saying right now that your whole body is sweating. You can feel it, right?

No, just my face and my hands. Oh, OK. Dry here everywhere else. If you think that's dry, you should see the women's pussies in this room while you're on stage. Wow. I have a spell.

I can help you out with that. Luke, so how do you feel that it went? That's your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. How did it feel? Exciting. You have a lot of likability. When you laughed at yourself, even though the things weren't funny, everybody laughed because it's contagious

and we sort of trust you. You definitely have a somewhat of a command of the stage, even just doing it once. We were connected with you, which is crazy because half the people we pulled out of the bucket are drunk and completely unrelatable to everybody else in the room.

And that, one could even say that you performed in the top one-third of the show tonight. One could even say that you performed in the top one-third of the show tonight. Should we wrap it up? That's Luke Cecil, ladies and gentlemen. We did it!

Kill Tony Portland! Make some noise for your secret, your very own Portland Zone Danger, Aaron! How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, Professor Snake! Brian Redman! I'm Tony Hinchcliffe I love you guys that's Kill Tony Portland thank you

we love you take care of each other love each other I think we have some Kill Tony shirts for sale after the show maybe but Jeremiah is selling some stuff some inflatable saxophones as heard of on Kill Tony.

You can meet and hang out with the real Professor Snape. And we'll all be high-fiving you and shaking hands on your way out. Portland, we love you. Thank you so much. I had an amazing weekend here. This was a fun show. Take care of each other. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Weekenders on our own. It's such fun.