KILL TONY - KILL TONY #273 (5 YEAR SPECIAL)

Episode Date: June 22, 2018

Joe Rogan, Dom Irrera, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 06/18/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, thessquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony, both in video and audio. We also have tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony

every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates that are just being announced every day. We're going to be in Detroit. We're going to be in Indiana. We're going to be in New York.

And we just announced that we're going to be at Just for Laughs this year, both in Montreal and Toronto, and those tickets will go fast. So go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. If you want to go get some merch, we got the new Kill Tony shirt that was just released, and you can go to shopsquad.tv. Not only do I have the kill Tony shirt, but we have a bunch of bunch of death squad merchandise, including hats and shirts and mugs. So check out shop squad dot TV. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode and he just released a new five year poster. So check out Ryan Jyanjebelt.com. And of course, Tony Hinchcliffe has his website. So everything Golden Pony, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we are live! This is a Chet House production in association with Golden Colony Productions. Sponsored by Chip Recruiter. For hims.com. Blue Apron. Swert. And Spry.

Blue Apron, Swert, and Scrap. And now, live from the world-famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip, this is the Undisputed, Undefeated, Raining, Defending, Number one podcast in the world, it's Tim Carter! This is the moment we've all been waiting for. It is time! It's the busy first, finally out of the bread corner. He is from Burbank, California, via Columbus, Ohio. Notorious for his many appearances on JRE and the founder of the Dipsquad. He is the proud father, Brian Redfern!

And now, your host from Los Angeles, California, Bill Youngstown, Ohio, he is a second place finisher of the Weight Gain Challenge and is considered one of the top young, rising comedians in the world! The man who has the most in comedy! Tony Hinton! Hello! Bruce Buffer, everybody! Yeah! Brian Redman is here! What's up? That's Josh Martin! Without him, none of this would be possible! Fuck yeah! Make some noise for Bruce Buffer, everybody! Come on!

What the fuck? That's how you get a fucking party started. This is the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony live audience. You guys excited? Sounds like it. I fucking love it. But before we get into everything, let's break some news. We have a special announcement, uh i'm very excited about its announcement that i've wanted to make about this show for about say five years and the announcement is that kill tony is going to be at the largest comedy festival in the world just for laughs in montreal wednesday july 25th at the Cinématique Salé in Place des Arts,

a 400-seat theater. HaHaHa.com slash en slash show slash kill-tony. And how about another announcement? Kill Tony will be at Just for Laffs Toronto, Canada. That's

JFL 42, September 26th through the 29th. Crazy. That's fucking huge. Those are the two biggest comedy festivals in the world. We're being accepted by the mainstream, Brian. That's right. I think they finally caught on that we have some loyal fans out there. Yeah.

We got a brand new tablecloth. Look at this. Isn't that beautiful? This is from Christian Ramirez at Los Angeles Print and Design. Thank you so much. How about one more time for Bruce Buffer? Make sure you listen to his podcast, It's Time. And you can get your own championship intro just like that for anything, for a friend, a wedding, a birthday, anything.

You can go to BruceBuffer..com and he will do that for you. So hell yeah. We're moving along. Should we just keep it moving? Oh hey, Ryan J. Ebelts here everybody. The house artist. For years and years and years while you just all sat around listening to the podcast he draws every episode and he's

drawing tonight's episode as well. Everything's available at ryanj.ebelt.com and he has a very special, unbelievably awesome, brand new five year well. Everything's available at ryanjbelt.com. And he has a very special, unbelievably awesome, brand new five-year anniversary poster that's available in the lobby after the show. As with the new Kill Tony shirts out there. Yes. We are selling stuff

in the lobby. When are you going to sell this outfit you got from the Starship Enterprise? Well, you know, as soon as you sell your John Lovitz collectible edition. I'm working on it. It's taken me a long time to gather enough confidence to dress like a breakfast sandwich, so I'm pretty excited about it.

Should we just keep moving along? Should we bring out tonight's guests? What do you guys say? Heck yeah. Let's just keep this fun train moving along. These two guys have both done this show multiple times. It would be an understatement to say that they are two of my favorite guests and two of the best comedians in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Joe Rogan and Dom Irera. Here they are. Two of the greatest in the world. Two of my best friends and two of our favorite guests on pale tony this crowd is fucking awesome the energy in here is insane we're just trying to ride that bruce buffer wave still he's the best he really is the best ever he's the best ever welcome back joe uh thank you good to have you. We've been having a lot of fun lately. A lot of fun shows coming up as well. You have a new special coming out on Netflix in a few months.

I don't think they're supposed to announce it yet. Oh, okie dokie. Okie dokie. I think I've already said it. One of my Golden Girls is rerunning. Dom Irer is here, ladies and gentlemen. One of our favorites. I believe he is

our most utilized guest in the history of the show. I think about 18 or 19 times you've done this show. Is that Jeremiah Prick still here? Didn't he win some award recently, like the top comic? Yeah, he won Comedy Central's

number 39, greatest comedian of all time. Who? You did, right? 39? I wish 39. I was 42. I love it. Keep the fun train moving along, shall we? We have a band that performs every single week. They commit to different

characters every week. Last night we did this in Portland, Oregon in a sold out helium comedy club there. Shout out to that amazing fucking show that we had. Jeremiah was with us and he was Professor Snape from Harry Potter. He always commits to a character throughout the episode.

You never know what he's going to do. Sometimes he brings back some of the oldies and goodies. Sometimes it's a new one. And the rest of the band does as well. It's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris, the Kill Tony Band. Here we go. Whoa!

Whoa! Swerve City, it's Pat Reagan. What's up? This is Red Band coming to you live from the world- world famous Comedy Store Main Room for another episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to your host of the show, Tony Hitchcliffe. Hello everybody. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Holy shit Wow this is amazing For those of you just listening to the podcast That was Pat Reagan that came out

With a pillow under his shirt To take on the red band character And then he brought out, I guess, perhaps Joel is supposed to be me, I guess? I didn't really know that I looked like a Mexican Christopher Walken. Hey, whoa, whoa. When you're one of the top Young Rising comedians,

you get close to the sun, you get a little bit of a tan, you know? Fuck yeah. Guys, welcome to another edition of Kill Tony. As always, I have some of my funniest friends. Tonight is no different. Please. I'm in the fucking writer's guild.

You sons of bitches. I've never done that. I've never made that noise before. If you haven't, you should. You should start. Here we go. It's a good noise for you. He's right.

Got to bring out my guest. Guys, please put your hands together for my guest tonight, Joe Rogan. Oh my god Wow Wow Wow For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like the actual Joe Rogan if he had stage six cancer. Wow. If powder got a bunch of tattoos, this is what it would be like.

Oh, my God. He has elk written on a Jack Link's Beef jerky bag and on it Shirt arm tattoos And how did you get your head to be like that That's impressive You went to a real professional for that I'm a millionaire Holy shit.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Giggity gugga gugga gugga. Oh my God. Giggity-gugga-gugga-gugga. Oh, my God. Isn't it amazing that somebody fucks him? Well, this is exciting. I like this cast. We have Joe Rogan, Brian Redband,

Josh Martin, for those of you that couldn't tell down there at the end. And then Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, back there clearly being... Hello, everybody! Some version of Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. This is the end right now. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we're going to be able to follow that at all. This is going to be really interesting.

I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. A lot of people came from around the world to sign up tonight. If I pull your name, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds on stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten? That's not how it works, Brian. Get your soundboard to work, Brian. It's your one job, Brian.

Jesus fucking Christ. Wrap it up when you hear the sound of a kitty or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. What are you doing? Fix the thing, dude. Instead of making noises, fix your soundboard. What are you doing? You're just gonna make mouth noises tonight?

Wow! Fuck yeah. Totally ready for the five year anniversary of Kill Tony. You guys ready for this shit? You got 60 seconds on stage. And then we talk to you about anything in the world. We find out more about you and maybe other stuff you could talk about or what's interesting about your life.

Sure. You guys ready to start this thing? It is the five year anniversary of Kill Tony. Live from the Comedy Store. Holy shit. Oh my god, Jeremiah. Live from the Comedy Store. Holy shit. Oh my god, Jeremiah. You are out of control. Look at his kettlebell. It's like two pounds.

Fuck yeah. Alright. I pulled the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Lydia Shahid. Here we go. We got a lot of people stockpiled everywhere. So we got to give her a second. Here she comes from the right side.

Lydia Shahid. Here we go. Come on, one more time for Lydia Shahid, everybody. Holy shit. All right. How's everyone doing? It's good? I went on a date with a dude.

I met on Bumble, and he wanted to guess my ethnicity. He's like, you're so exotic. He's like, can I get a few pointers? So I gave him a few hints. I was like, I'm from a country in Africa. Africa it starts with an E and it's considered the Middle East and this dumb piece of shit called me Islam the worst part

wasn't that he called me Islam the worst part was that I didn't correct him and then I just slept with him after and then he ghosted me do you guys know what ghosting is? it's where they forget you exist and they just stop texting you back and I was like how did I he ghosted me. Do you guys know what ghosting is? It's where they forget you exist, and they just stop texting you back. And I was like, how did I get ghosted?

So I just started texting him. I was like, I hate it when we fight. I told all my friends about it, and my friends were like, how are you and Nick? Like, we're still fighting. I don't get it. Do I still have more time? Meow. Wow. Was have more time? Meow.

Wow. Was that the cat? Yes, it was. Someone's got a broken soundboard. Lydia Shahid. Fuck yeah. This is your first time on the show, right, Lydia? No, it's my second time.

I was back here in November. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Yeah, it's been a while. Well, welcome back. You stole my whole fucking act. Did I? You've been ghosted too? How long have you been doing stand-up?

A little over a year now. Okay. About a year. All here in LA? You from LA? Orange County area. Right. You still live there? Yes. You talk like you're from the Orange County area. True. What do you do for a living? I'm a special needs educator

Yeah Retards? Yeah We call them intellectually disabled We don't use the R word How long have you been doing that for? About three years I'm starting my fourth

What's the most special kid? What's he like? What does he do? His name is Brian Redband. I've got to give her a lot of credit. I've got to give her a lot of credit for coming up here first after that. That's a tough fucking spot.

Absolutely. She's used to big gigs. She just did the White House Correspondents Dinner. She also just got bit by a retard. What's wrong with me? John Marrera living in the 80s. I was taller then, Joe. I never got an answer.

What's the most special thing that one of your special kids has ever done? Take off his helmet and just jump down the stairs? I mean, I have a kid right now that just kind of picks up shit off the floor and puts it in his mouth, and he's in high school, so I always have to finger bang his mouth to get whatever is

out of there all the time cut to someone translating this putting it on twitter people getting mad at you you have to uh move the mic stand that's a good move is that what it is when you first go on stage always get that stupid thing out of your way because otherwise you're like god that stupid thing's in front of me and you're thinking about it yeah i just got really nervous i happened so quick it's a good yeah it's a good thing to do it's hard i mean yeah someone's saying ready set go and you didn't even know whether it was going to be you and then a minute later it's a courageous job and to do it on the internet it's very hard you know what you what you guys are doing is probably one of the most difficult things to stand up and no one should ask you to do it.

But since you're doing it, it's fucking hard. It's hard to get going, right? It's hard to start off. You feel shaky, a little weird. Like, what do I say? I've got to say something, but I don't want to rush it. Yeah, I think. I'm still waiting for two of my friends to get in.

I can't even process this yet. I don't think they're going to make it in. What color are they? What ethnicity are you? I'm Egyptian Joe, what have we gotten ourselves into? I don't know, bro. Fuck yeah. Your last name's interesting.

Does it mean anything? Shahid. Okay. Brian, stop it. Stop it. Don't do that Stop You wanna lose Zip Recruiter

God damn it Oh holy shit This is already The best kill Tony ever For sure Wow Fuck yeah Lydia So how's stand up This is already the best kill Tony ever. For sure. Wow. Fuck yeah, Lydia.

So how's stand-up been going for you? Good? Yeah, it's been good. You get a lot of male comedians hitting on you a lot when you're doing spots? Oh, yeah. All the time. You ever hook up with one of them? Yeah.

Yeah. How'd that go for you? What? Instant regrets? A few have been instant regrets. A few instant regrets? A few. Damn instant regrets. A few instant regrets? Damn, wow, you get more sign-ups than Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny, I guess.

You want to do the Ice House? Later. Oh my god. Fuck yeah, Patty Reagan is back! Wow. That was fucking hilarious. Oh, Jesus. That's my boy Patty Redband right there.

Well, Lydia, you're part of history. Tough position to get the show kick-started tonight. Anything else for Lydia, guys? Can we talk about my set? What do you want to talk about? What do you want? No, you baffoon. It was funny.

You're funny. You have funny ideas. You have very funny ideas. Very funny. You just got to get loose. That's all it is. Do a lot of sets. Do as many sets as you can.

You start petering off after 40 seconds. No, I felt like she warmed up. I felt like she warmed up a little bit. In the beginning, I felt like you were a little... It's hard. It's fucking hard. It shows you how hard it is, though. It was 40 seconds, and you looked so calm, and you still looked up and said,

how much more time do I have? 40 fucking seconds. I shouldn't have said that. It's 60 seconds, Dom. No, I know, but she did 40. Oh. Oh, I see. It's not that you shouldn't have said that. Yeah. You should have said that. It's 60 seconds, Dom. No, I know, but she did 40. Oh, I see. It's not that you shouldn't have said that.

You should have said it. You know, it's no big deal. But in a regular show, the getting started part is hard. You've got to just be real clear with how you get started or just set the stage. And the microphone standing in front of you

is always going to be, you've always got to get that thing out of the way. Because people are always like, why isn't she moving the fucking mic? It's just weird. But you're funny. It's funny shit. That's the most important thing. There you go. Getting the show started. It's Lydia Shahid, everybody.

Walk like an Egyptian. I didn't even know that you had that loaded up when I said it. I was going to do a walk of shame joke on that last thing. Oh, good thing you didn't. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Centofanti. One word name. Here we go. Those are usually interesting. Centofanti, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How we all doing? I like to concentrate on the positivities of life. Like it's summertime, which is great. That means no more school shootings. What an incentive to get good grades. Who wants to show up to summer school now?

Shit, that's risky. I don't know if you guys heard, but Titanic, excuse me, Black Panther, recently topped Titanic as the highest grossing film worldwide. Yes, which is great, because those are two films highly supported by the black community. Wakanda Forever and White People Drowning.

Who can't swim now, motherfucker? Growing up, I thought the DMV stood for domestic violence. People were always like, I hate the DMV. I can't stand the DMV. I'm like, yes. And there was always that one motherfucker that was like, I don't mind the DMV. I can't stand the DMV. I'm like, yes. And there was always that one motherfucker that was like, I don't mind the DMV. I gotta keep my eyes on you. Fuck yeah,

Centofanti. Oh yeah. What kind of name is Centofanti? It's Italian. Actually, a lot of Centofantis pave the streets of Youngstown, where you're from. Is that true? Yeah. Cement men. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

Is that true? Jamie, look that up real quick. Wow. What are you looking for? I'm scared to ask. Young Jamie. I'm scared to ask. Young Jamie. Cento Fanti, you don't really look Italian.

You look more like a relief pitcher that let himself go. Like you were just snacking in the bullpen. You look like if Muslims could eat pork. There he is. Look out. Jobber. There he is Look at that Joel Berg Joel Berg's back For the five year Santafonte How long have you been doing stand up?

About two years now You started here in LA? Started out in Detroit Moved out here two years ago. So three years altogether, but Detroit, I only count that year. It's true grind out here. Wow. You don't count your year in Detroit.

You got to count that, son. Yeah. Three years. Three years of your fucking life. Yeah, that's true, man. What am I doing? Don't be stupid. Oh, you know, that year, it's just like I don't even

count it. I don't count most years after I was 12. I'm 13. That's crazy. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. You don't count a year of your life. I don't count that. Oh, okay. That makes fucking shit loads of sense. I know he's from Detroit

because it looks like all he eats is M&M's. M&M's? I don't get it. That's a tone change. M&M is from Detroit. Don't you get it? That's your kind of joke, you fuck. No, it's not.

Thank you. I'm in the writer's queue. Why are these people laughing? Thank you. Why are these people laughing if he's not correct? This reminds me of when I roasted Snoop Dogg. One shot. My special available now.

You bad boons. Oh, my God. I got to tell you, man, you went real risky with the school shooting right up front. Did you think about that before? Like, fuck, should I do this? Especially since you're dressed like a school shooter. Now that's a fucking Tony Hinchcliffe joke! He looks like if the Trenchcoat Mafia shopped at Lane Bryant.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Or big and tall, whatever. Insert your own punchline. You're welcome. San DeFonte, what do you do for work? Right now I'm working as a prep cook for a ramen restaurant in L.A. Wow, getting high on your own supply, huh? Yeah, sir. Fuck yeah, you're a line cook.

Wow, ramen restaurant. Yeah. How do you get a gig like that? Don't they have, like, Asian people for that? Yeah, they do. I've always loved culinary, obviously, but I stepped away from nursing. It just became a little too tiring.

You mean from the tit? Hit that one. Oh, Jesus, bro. A fear for your safety. You walked away from nursing. First of all, you mean you waddled away from nursing. A fear for your safety. You walked away from nursing. First of all, you mean you waddled away from nursing. Oh, Tony just went dark.

You didn't have to go there, Tony. What were you doing? You had a male nurse in your clutches and you went dark. I still got him. I still got him. Wait, how long were you a male nurse for? Two years. Wow.

What were you doing? Well, I started doing home care for my grandfather near the end days, and it became such a loop where I got stuck in this mindset where there was only death surrounding me. So I stepped away from that, and coming into the world of comedy really brought levity to the whole situation. You're freaking us out, man. No, no, it's like in a good way.

You see different people, have different perspectives on life, and then that helps you cope with it. And then the opening and the end of your perspective is, man, let's talk about school shootings. Make that shit funny. Suffer through a lot of death. Let's make fun of death real quick. Coping. It's weird. No, but it's a risky move.

It was funny what you said. Jeremiah. But you're right. It's not going to be school shootings in the summer. It's a funny joke, dude. Breaks out of life. But it's ballsy. For real, it's ballsy.

Hell yeah, man. Fuck yeah, Santofanti. Is that your last name? Yep. You just go by that? Yeah. Why is that? Well, it's the name.. Is that your last name? You just go by that? Why is that? Did you eat your first name? Son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch! You're so mean! Well, Tony, it's because Santo Claus was already taken. Jolbert. Oh my God. I can't take this. Oh, my God.

I am too high for this right now. Ah! Ah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Santofonte, you did a great job. Thank you very much, sir. There he goes, Senta Fonzi, everybody.

He's on Twitter, it's Senta Fonzi Comedy. Lydia Shahid is Pretty Girl Comic. G-U-R-L comic, all one word. We're flying through them tonight. I'm excited about this. Jeremiah Rogan might be one of my favorite characters I've ever seen. My name is Nose Rogan. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Julian Shikuna. Oh my god. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Julian Shikuna. Sykuna. Here we go. Here comes Julian.

Julian Sykuna, everybody. Come on. Comedy store Hollywood. Feels good to be here, man. Feels good. Just got back from Africa. And, man, feels good to do comedy with some clothes on. Jeez, man. Just so hot. Can't handle Wakanda no more, man. Jeez, man.

My roots are from the Congo, the big Congo next to Chicago. And it's amazing, man. I'm still amazed by the comedy scene here in America, man. Jeez, man. Amazed. To the point, like, you know, like, first of all, you know, I got started doing comedy back in the Congo, in the living room with my grandmom and two zebra next to her. Physically, it's tough, man. Zebra don't like comedy, man.

You be doing your best punchline and jokes, zebra just... You guys, we feed you guys, you don't pay for ticket, what's going on? There you go. Julian Sakuna, everybody. Brian, come on. We didn't even get to interview him. Julian, how's it going? Grab the microphone.

How are you? I'm doing good. How was your bobsled ride here today? I'm doing good, man. Thank you. How arebsled ride here today? I'm doing good, man. Thank you. All right. This is your first time on the show, right? First time.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Man, I did my first open mic in 2015. Then I stopped, and it's been a year since I've been pursuing stand-up comedy. So this is your return after a year-long break? Yeah. Well, the rhino he was protecting finally died, so he's...

Oh my god. Jesus. Tony, what is wrong with you? I'm in the writer's guild! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity. I never say that! What is that noise? You should. That's your noise, bro. From now on, that's your noise. It's when you do that Cartman thing.

That's his noise from now on. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. How does he go again? I'm from Youngstown, Ohio. That's where this swagger comes from. Idiots. Fuck yeah. So Julian, is that true?

Did you really start stand-up in the Congo? I did. I grew up in Belgium but I would go back and forth to the Congo. You would go back and forth to the Congo. Okay. What was that crowd like in the Congo? It's wild. Yeah.

Not a whole lot of people get away with saying that. You happen to be one of them. Can I ask you a real question? Yeah. Do you jazz up your accent a little bit when you go on stage and do stand-up? No, I don't. I don't fake any.

You're talking different now than you were when you were talking earlier. For real? Yeah, a little bit. I don't know. Seriously, I don't. All right, let's say... Yeah, let me just give it a little test. Let's say I'm an ICE agent.

Hello, Julian. I'm an ICE agent. How are you? Good. Yeah, it changes. He can control it. I'm good. I've lived in America my whole life.

What do you mean, ICE sound? All right. Not for real. I don't know. I don't even know if I do have an accent. Obviously, I sound... All right. No, for real. Like, I don't know. I don't even know if I do have an accent. Obviously, I do have. Well, when you said Belgium, too, I was like, oh, that's what it is. It's like an extra thing to your English.

It's interesting. I grew up in Belgium most of my life, but I will go, you know, traveling to Congo. Right. For my culture, you know, spending time with my family and doing some comedy around. What do your parents do? What goes on in the Congo? My dad is actually very famous in the Congo. He used to be a professional boxer.

He had a great work ethic. He worked from home. He worked from home? Yeah. So he hit your mom? I think this show is illegal I don't think you can do any of the things you've done so far They sign up for it

You too, John Marrera This is illegal now Yeah, so Yeah, famous boxer And he got a, you know, at that time That was the 60s He had a contract, you know, to be able to, you know, to do that professionally in Europe. So he went to Belgium.

That's why I was born in Belgium. Oh, okay, man. Do you think the boxing sort of maybe did a little damage to his brain? To all of us. Ah, yeah, I see. How about your mom? What does she do? She just takes care of the teepee? She's in the... How about your mom? What does she do?

She just takes care of the teepee That's Native Americans bro You're so racist Anyone who's not white That's in the whatever category He's from the Congo Whatever What kind of house did you grow up in? You mean like a household?

Yeah, is it like a house? Do they have houses in the Congo? Like two stories? Yeah, yeah. Regular. Okay. I don't know. I don't want to be around for the Jezebel article about this episode. Me neither.

Dom, do you have a question for him? Are there any Congo? Are there comedy clubs there? How do you have a question for him? Are there any comedy clubs there? How do you start off? The comedy scene over there is like I mean, now they put this in the hotel they will create some type of event in the lobby of the hotel

there's some rooms and stuff Talk normal now Talk normal I'm so sorry Are you a good boxer? In life yes What did that mean? Oh a fellow DMT user

How long have you been in Los Angeles? It's been five years Five years Enough time to learn English Hell yeah What do you been in Los Angeles? It's been five years. Five years. Enough time to learn English. Hell yeah. What do you do for a living? Now I'm an Uber driver. Uber driver.

Oh, yeah. Uber X? Uber guys. Uber X. Oh, yeah. I thought you were going to be Uber Black for sure. How long have you been driving Uber? It's been about three months now

You ever hook up with any chicks That have gotten a ride in your Uber? A lot of temptation But I have a girlfriend So she's great I couldn't quite get that He said he had a girlfriend And she's great

Oh, how long have you been with your girlfriend? It's been two years now Wow, you met her here in LA? Yeah Where'd you meet her? In Santa Monica by the beach. Is she an American citizen? She is.

Thinking about getting that green card, son? You know what to do. You know what to do. Make it permanent, kid. Sign the papers. Don't be scared. She's white? Are we scared of commitment?

No, she's actually a black. A black. A black? Whoa. Again, there's only a few people who can get away with saying that. You happen to be one of them. You said that with like a South African accent. She's actually a black. A black.

Her name is Nala. She's gorgeous. That's a fucking dark thing to say. She's a black. Woo. How is my accent? I want to make sure you guys. It's great.

How is my English so far? Excellent. It's excellent. No, because these people, they make me feel like, you know, my English is good, right? It's good. It's good enough. Better be, better be. Julian, what is the biggest difference or what would be the biggest culture shock to us

if we went to the Congo? Everything, like from the sun to the dirt, everything is different. Everything is different. I mean, no, seriously, like, you know, the good things, though, about Africa, it's like with nothing in life, we enjoy, like, the pure joy of life.

Like, with nothing we we appreciate the little things of life you know and this is some things you can never find anywhere else you know it's amazing yeah absolutely awesome man that's beautiful fuck yeah well congratulations you were on the biggest episode in this show's history jul Julian Shakuna, everybody. From the Congo to the Comedy Store. Thanks, man. Good job, dude. Alright, you guys having fun out there? Keep it moving along. Hey, wait a second. Who's that over there?

Do we have a band switch? Oh, hell yeah. Shanks is in the house, bitch. Whoa! The return of one of our favorite characters ever on the show. Shanks, a former prisoner. He just got out of prison, Joe Rogan. For you podcast listeners, he's cross-eyed.

They are in full orange jumpsuits now. We have... Yeah, I don't know what's going on back there. What were you in for, bro? Man, raping and stuff. Again, I think this fucking show is illegal. I don't think you can do any of these things anymore. Yo, you ain't no snitch, are you, Joe Rogan? I'm feeling very uncomfortable about being here.

I love it. They have switched out the prisoners. Chroma Chris is a police officer. And Joel Burke somehow looks more Italian than Centofanti did. All of a sudden, it looks like he's been making pasta all day long. You better watch your fucking ravioli, dog. Fuck yes. Get that sauce for that pasta

Oh my god Back to the bucket we had If you looked like that you would call it gravy right Dom Herrera Like a real guinea you would call it gravy You wouldn't call it sauce It's gravy bitch East coast It's a little different on the inside

They'll call it sauce in like New Hampshire I'm from Houston and we call it drip East Coast. East Coast. It's a little different on the inside. They'll call it sauce in, like, New Hampshire. I'm from Houston, and we call it drip drip. Is that a dick joke? I don't know. Is it Joe Rogan? Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my god. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is chaos. This is chaos. Put your hands together. Another uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to Ryan Brankin.

Ryan Brankin. Ryan Brankin. Here he comes from the deepest corner of the Comedy Store. Oh, my God. Here he comes. One more time. Ryan Brankin, ladies and gentlemen. Holy Jesus. You get sad sitting over there for

weeks on end without getting called. I got depressed a few times. Just do your act. Thank you. Oh. Did you ever date somebody and two months later turn her fat and lazy?

I'm like a pig farmer. I sell them at the market a month later. American Ninja Warrior is not my Ninja Warrior. My Ninja Warrior does not jump around on trampolines. My Ninja Warrior you can hire for 500 yen to kill your enemy. Thank God. Wow.

There he is, Ryan Brankin. Or as I call him, Tom Hanks on meth. Good God, sir. Good Lord, Ryan. Wow. Hi, guys. Look at you. Are you being serious?

Is that what your face looks like? Sometimes. You smile like that? I took edibles today. You did? It is not doing good in my system. Well, you ate shit up there tonight. So, uh...

Weed isn't the only thing you ate today. Fuck yeah, Ryan. Look at you. Shanks, you look pissed off. Yo, man, I got so confused during his set, my eyes went straight for a second. Ryan, I've seen you on this show before, right? What happened last time you were on? Remind us of what we talked about.

Give us a little flashback. What happened? My babysitter sucking my cock. Wow, really? You made the power go out for a second there. There's ghosts here. Your babysitter sucked your cock?

Yeah. How old's your kid? Well, we gave him up for adoption. It was not a guy It was a guy not a girl It was a cop remember No I don't remember that's what I just asked you He's saying

His babysitter when he was a kid Sucked his dick That babysitter was a police officer Proceed from here Is that him sitting right down there? Yes. Chroma Chris is in full police uniform. Chroma Chris, is there anything you want to say about this?

It was a little bit average. I was seven. Seven. Did you finish in the cop's mouth? I don't know. That I can't remember. It might have been a little...

I'm going to go with yes. Yes. Hard. Ears ringing. Hell yeah. Toes curling. How old were you? I filled his mouth.

Wow. Look at that, Ryan. Shanks. Man, this Duke gay, man. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fucked up joke Talking about a baby, man Yeah

Ryan, how long you been doing stand-up? Oh my god Not too long It hasn't been It hasn't been long How long? A little bit in Chicago and a little bit here. You got a year that you erase anywhere in your past?

I don't count that year. I don't count that year in there somewhere? A lot of acid. Is that true? Of course, yeah. Shanks, what do you got, yeah. Shanks? What do you got over there, Shanks? You know anybody ever tell you

you have a punchable body? Yes. Yes. It's something about me. Everyone wants to beat the fuck out of me. Have you ever gotten into a fight, Ryan? Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah? With who? Once a best friend, Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. With who? Once a best friend. I got a nice little boxer break from him. I had sex with his sister. How long ago was that? Probably about

12 years, 11 years. He beat you up? It was a bad one. You guys beat each other up? Because was a bad one. We both went. You guys beat each other up because he didn't want anybody fucking his sister? It was more than that. Wouldn't you want somebody that you liked

to fuck your sister? What grade was she in? Why would you want somebody you didn't like? Yeah, man. How old were you guys? Hold up. You guys were the same age? Yeah, same age.

So what the fuck? Guy's a bitch. You're are the same age? Yeah, same age. So what the fuck? Guy's a bitch. You're not friends with him anymore? Let your sister get some dick, am I right? What's the big deal? Are you the protector of your sister's hungry vagina? Is that what the fuck we're doing here? She likes dick.

She likes it. Shanks? Hey, Joe Rogan. You got a dick and a nice guy. It's a nice guy with a dick What the fuck's the problem? What are you waiting for? Princes? What are you waiting for?

Stop being prudes Shanks, what do you think about all this? Hey Joe Rogan, you got a sister? I do have a sister She's a lovely person Oh, hell yeah Dom Ibarra We'd have to get along

And I would introduce you But you seem like a good guy You seem like you got good intentions Yeah, man, I love the UFC Dom I like to hear that, bro Dom What do you think about Ryan Brankin?

First of all, you couldn't get more relaxed on stage. I mean, if the crowd enjoyed him even a third of how much he enjoys himself, he'd be a fucking killer. But he's definitely likable. How could you not like this fucker? If I may use the word retard again. Oh, my God. The police are coming. We're in West Hollywood.

This is a problem. What did I talk about? You just talked about somebody's sister getting fucked My own Oh that's different It's my sister Ryan what do you do for a job? We just got fired Now that's the least believable part

Of your whole fucking act bro How'd you get fired? We were putting up these safety boating things around California marinas. Let's start at this. What was the job? The job was putting up, like, voter cards for boating and stuff around the marinas in California. Voter for boating? Is that what you're saying?

It's a card, like a gun card, but you need it to drive a boat. Oh, okay. So we had to put these things up. And me and my wife back there, they gave us the job of going around all these marinas. Yeah. Yeah. What is it? The Department of Waterways.

Is that the wife? That's the wife. Listen, lady, there's still time to run. Sometimes you got to just start all over with a fresh project. Don't try to rewrite shit. Just throw it in the fucking fireplace and do mushrooms. Get out of here! Get out of here while you can!

Run! Duncan, run! Don't ever leave me! Throw your phone in the ocean. What are you saying, Joe? Start fresh! Who sucks your dick better, her or the cop? Oh, my God! She hates cop? Oh, my God!

She hates it. Oh, my God! I have to trick her into doing it. Like I said, lady, run. Find a dick you want to suck. There's a lot bigger ones out there. All right, Ryan Brankin. I've never seen anyone on this show have so much fun bombing before.

There he goes, Ryan Brankin. He's a good sport. Hell yeah. Good sport. Bad comedian, good sport. How dare you? Fucking love this show. I'm learning shit.

I pulled yet another name out of the bucket. We're flying through it. Put your hands together for Stephen Witkowski. Here we go. Stephen Witkowski. They could be coming from any direction. We have comedians shoved in every corner of this place. Here he is, Stephen Witkowski, ladies and gentlemen.

I was happy to see R. Kelly in the news recently. He's always been one of my favorite singers. My dad got me into R. Kelly, actually. Any R. Kelly fans? I heard a few ladies shout for R. Kelly. You never want to fuck a lady who's a fan of R. Kelly. You know that pussy's been places. You guys know R. Kelly's the leader of a sex cult now.

People think it's rape. It's not rape. People are just unfamiliar with BDSM, I think. I think R. Kelly can be the master of a few slaves at this point. R. Kelly songs, it's ironic because R. Kelly songs are kind of like, he gives you enough time for foreplay in his songs. Like, if you listen to Bump and Grind, there's like 10, there's at least 10 to 15 seconds there where it's just four eating pussy.

Steven Witkowski. Fuck yeah. least 10 to 15 seconds there where it's just four eating pussy. Steven Witkowski. Fuck yeah. Breaking the mold here on Kill Tony. This is the first time we've ever had a fully grown Chucky doll perform. Guys, give it up for Andy Milonakis. He looks like an extra on Dazed and Confused.

Shanks. Hey, man. Do you have a 70 Chevelle in your driveway? It's a great car. I wish. I wish, too. It's a good car. Shanks.

This boy cute. Can I keep him? Dude, don't ever hold your asshole around an aggressive gay guy. Just pretend you don't care. It's like a dog. You never want to look him in the eyes. Be casual like you don't give a fuck. Trust me.

Steven Wachowski, you are an ugly man that looks like an ugly woman. Has anyone ever told you that before? Son of a bitch. I've heard that before. First of all, you haven't seen ugly if you think that dude's ugly. He's just unmotivated. But for a woman, I mean, imagine if that was a chick. That's true.

For a woman, it depends on where you live. You ever been to Siberia, motherfucker? Okay? You got no matches. You gotta bang rocks together. I haven't eaten a calorie since I got to LA. What? I haven't eaten since I got to L.A. In Utah, I'm an eight.

Is that where you're from, Utah? That's right. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been here a week. Wow, one week. Did you move here? No. You're just visiting.

Just visiting. What part of Utah, man? Tooele. Whoa. Tooele, Utah. It's actually... You look like you're from Extra Salt Lake City Can we be honest

Has anybody ever heard Of that fucking town? Has anybody here You heard of that? You heard of that? Oh wow Okay There's a racetrack there

I'm the ignorant one To Willow, Utah It's famous for having The most guns per capita. Is that true? In what? In all of Utah? In all of the United States of America and probably the world.

Wait a minute. Texas has a word to say about that shit. They don't even register guns down there. They make their own. It's true. I didn't believe it, but it's true. Do you own a gun? I own a gun.

Wow. Dude. What kind of gun do you have a gun? I own a gun. Wow. Dude. What kind of gun do you have? A 20-gauge shotgun. Whoa. Oh, hell yeah. So you go small bird hunting then, right? That's what that's for?

Squirrels, small birds, stuff like that? I have before. That's what it's for? I'm not really into it. But not being into it in Utah makes you kind of gay, so I have to be at least a little into it. You Makes you kind of gay So I have to be a little into it You had to get a gun You just went with like a casual

I just had to Late wave shotgun type deal Joe gets it I get it You gotta do what you gotta do man You gotta fit in with those fucking people You gotta fit in Animals

You gotta join the NRA To get mad at you Just a product of my environment You ain't in the NRA bro? The fuck? No The fuck bro? What do fuck? No. Fuck, bro. What do you do for a living in

Utah? I actually do film production. Do you do like Mormon movies and shit? How's that work? I've just been getting into it. I actually work on Andy Mac and just like small

day player shit. Andy Mac, that's a Disney show. I have young daughters. They watch that show. It's just depressing. The show freaks me out, man. Stop crying. You're on TV. What do you do for the show?

I grip. I'm a day player. Do some extra work too. That's awesome, dude. Fuck yeah. That's okay. I'm surprised they make that in Utah? Yeah

Wow Dude this is a ruthless crowd To perform for You held your own You're comfortable up there You're having a good time He calls you an ugly chick Did you just blow me a kiss

And tell me you love me You did a great job See that? He just Tony He mouthed something to me I want to know what it is Honestly I'm going to need That wig back

In a few Did you see what he did to me? He just went like this. He goes, I love you. Did he not do that? That didn't happen. No, it was me. There was something going on there. Hey, dog, I'm right here.

Maybe his mouth is numb. Steven, have you done anything fun in your big week in Los Angeles? Oh, yeah. Beaches. Beaches. Universal Studio. Yeah. All kinds of beaches.

Are you going to stay here or are you going to go back to Utah? I've got to go back to Utah. Do you have aspirations to eventually move here? I do. How old are you now? 27. 27. Oh, yeah.

Damn. Is that ripe? Is that a ripe age? Oh, man, yeah. Damn. Is that ripe? Is that a ripe age? Oh, man, the sweetest. What's keeping you in Utah? Andy Mack, bitch. Nothing really. I have two kids and their mom and I'm still with her

and she has a business there. Oh, well stay in Utah, bitch. I don't want to fuck that up. Yeah, I hear you. Does your wife have a dick? Gotta have some money. Do you perform in Salt Lake? Do you ever go to Wise Guys?

Yeah, I try to. That's a great place. I love it. That's one of the best clubs in the country. Shout out to Wise Guys. That's a great place. I love it. Yeah, it's a sweet club. It's one of the best clubs in the country. Wise guys. Shout out to Wise guys. Shout out to Wise guys. That's a great spot. Is there anywhere else you work when you're in Utah? There's like

some monthly open mics. Ice House and Murray. It's really hard, but I try. Alright, dude. Fuck yeah. Keep fucking swinging. Dom Irera, anything else for Steven Witkowski? I think you're going in the right direction. I just think you'd need

more talent. Oh! Oh! Those are the ones that hurt the most. Dom! Steven Witkowski, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Hell yeah. That was creepy as fuck.

Threw it. Pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Nick Sheehan. Nick Sheehan. Anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe he's been on before. Maybe it's the first time. Nick Sheehan. You guys got a Nick Sheehan coming? Blacklisted's been on before. Maybe it's the first time.

Nick Sheehan. You guys got a Nick Sheehan coming? Blacklisted. Oh, no. Wait, is this Nick? Nick, if you're here, please don't. That's not Nick. Hell no. Don't panic, Nick.

Do it. Oh, no. Nick. Nick, get it together. This is the moment Nick is going to regret for the rest of his life. Okay. I always like one-word names. We had Sentefonte earlier.

This is another one-word name. A lot of the great starters, one-word names. We had Maltham, right? Aphrodite. Ichabod. So many great one-word names. Put your hands together for Marquette. Marquette.

Here he comes. It's Marquette. Marquette, everybody. What's going on, ladies and gentlemen? Damn history, baby. Yeah, my grandmother was telling me when my grandfather asked her out, he asked her out doing some shit like this here. Yo, baby, you want to dance?

And she was like, hey. You know, and then all of a sudden my father, he come up, asked my mother, hey, baby, you want to dance? She was like, hey. Shit, in the 90s I come up, yo, baby, you want to dance? Start doing some shit like this. And the girl was like hey have you seen the millennium kids now yo baby you want to dance girl's like hey i really fucked this one up and i'm so depressed i'm gonna go get a four for four from wendy's and shit I'm going to keep going. Damn! You got some big ass titties. Anyway.

Yeah, my wife just called me. Fuck yeah, Marquette, ladies and gentlemen. Marquette, you like what you see out there? I'm married, but damn. What would you do to her? I'm married, but... Yeah, but what would you do if you weren't married? What would you do to her? I'm married, but... Yeah, but what would you do if you weren't married? What would you do to that? I would just look.

Yeah? Just look. Oh, shit. You're damn right. That's a good husband right there. Oh, my God. Oh, no. It is the return of, by far, one of the most famous characters. It is the feminist led by feminist Stacey.

Wow, look at this. The return of feminist Stacey. You can see her in the pink. Clearly, Pat Reagan is Atlantis Morissette. Wow, look at that. Those are lit up tits in the middle of the room. Fuck yeah. The feminism

is going wild, everybody. We have Feminist Stacy sitting next to some version of Atlantis Morissette sitting next to Garth. And back here we have Mexican Howard Stern, everybody. Excuse me. Excuse me? Excuse me?

Feminist Stacey, it's been a long time since we've seen you. A very long time. Welcome back to the show. How's life been going? Things could be better if things were better for women in general. My feet are still tired. I've been marching every day. Bitches, where are you at?

They are out there. Marquette. Welcome to the show. It's your first time on, right? Yes, sir. I can tell you're nervous. You just keep pulling up more and more of the show. It's your first time on, right? I can tell you're nervous. You just keep pulling up more and more of the cord. You're about to go mountain climbing or something.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Wow, hell yeah. Ever since you were the main guy on the Green Mile, things have really taken off for you. You can get spots anywhere. You're just doing it. Thank you.

So six months. How old are you? 40. What made you want to start stand-up comedy now? Well, I've been in the music business. So to me, it's about the same. It's performing, writing. Yeah?

What did you do in the music business? Write and produce. Do you dance? Yes, sir. Wow. Really? I think that was a joke. Is that true? Can you really dance? True. Really? Yes. Go, go, go, go. Wow. All right. Damn. Well, stop what you're doing.

I am glad I asked. Way to perpetuate stereotypes, Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's make the black man dance for everybody. Very good, Tony. You should feel very good about yourselves, you disgusting people. Oh my God. Sarah McLaughlin, no. This is my anthem!

I can't do this. Oh my God. I can't do this. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. You notice how I led that dance? Because women are the superior gender. Oh, my God.

Tony's surprised he likes white girls. Fuck yeah. Marquette, how long have you been married for? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. And what do you do for work? I work for the Chamber of Commerce in Garden Grove. Wow.

Chamber of Commerce. So what do you do? I actually help businesses grow. So when they come into the city, we just basically do all the blasting for them and make sure they're in good standing if they want to ship things out of the country. Way too serious. Yeah.

Seriously. Wow. So here you are. You've been doing stand-up. Have you been having fun with it? Hell yes. I mean, a lot of these people I got a chance to meet here. You've been doing stand-up. Have you been having fun with it? Hell yes. I mean, a lot of these people I got a chance to meet here. I've made a lot of friends. Yeah. What does your wife think about you doing stand-up comedy now? This is crazy. She really loves it, and we were saying, just our luck, because we've been coming here for six months. And I said, just our luck this will happen, and you're not here.

So she's in Sacramento with her family. So, yeah. Hell yeah. She missed it. Well, there you go. I'm happy I bummed. I'm happy she missed this shit, but I bummed. I mean, it's all right.

So she's in Sacramento cheating on you right now. And you're here accomplishing your dream. What the hell is that supposed to mean, Tony Hinchcliffe? Maybe she's working on her career. Oh my god. Oh, fuck yeah. Marquette,

so have you always been from Garden Grove? No, I work in Garden Grove. I'm from Tennessee. Oh, wow. Yeah, went to school in Sac State, met her. We got married. What does she do? She worked for the Retirement Housing Foundation.

Yeah, yeah, she's cheating on you. Fuck! All right, well, that's fun. What's the worst gig that you've done? You've been doing it for six months. Has there been a gig where you're like, fuck, man, that didn't help me at all? No, actually, I've been learning from other comedians.

I mean, I've been learning a lot. So when it don't work, I listen to the audio and just keep rewriting, rewriting, rewriting. Hell yeah. Wow, I love it. You're an example of a... You seem like such a real nice guy. Yeah.

Super duper likable. Yeah, too nice. Yeah. What's the meanest thing about you?'s like the meanest thing you've ever done You seem like a really polite guy Come on you know what it is You already thought about it You're trying to think of the second meanest thing now

Jesus Tony What are you trying to do OJ this guy If I did do it then this is how I would do it Shut up Hinchcliffe Oh my god OJ this guy? If I did do it, then this is how I would do it. Shut up, Hinchcliffe. Oh my god. This is my favorite character ever.

I know, it's amazing. So Marquette, you have an answer for me? Meanest or worst thing you've ever done? You seem like the nicest guy. Goodness me. I once shot a bitch. I mean, look at him. He's like, he's literally like, man, I'm really trying my hardest, but I can't think of anything.

The meanest thing, I got in a fight and got kicked off tour. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Why'd you get in a fight? It was, I guess, when you're on a tour and you're a roadie and people think they can talk to you any kind of way.

And after about two months, I got in a fight on the tour bus, and we started from the back, big room, all the way down between the bum bags fighting. Wow, from the windows to the wall. There's Joel Burr! The crowd goes crazy. And that is Marquette ladies and gentlemen

With his first ever time on Kill Tony It's been on in six months 40 years old He's on Twitter at Q-U-E-T-T-E If you're just listening to the audio Of that you're going to be confused You're going to need to see that dance Right? It's super important So if you're just on the audio of that, you're going to be confused. You're going to need to see that dance.

It's super important. If you're just on the audio, please seek out that YouTube video and understand what all that energy was all about. It's called Vimeo Joe Rogan. Alright. What do you think? Do something? Do the cool thing?

Alright. Well, instead of going to the bucket for this one, for five years now, All right. What do you think? Do something? Do the cool thing? All right. Well, instead of going to the bucket for this one, you know, for five years now, Kill Tony has taken it upon itself to develop some of our favorite comics. It was always females for the first four years and, like, nine months or something like that because we always thought, you know, give them a chance because, believe it or not, Stacey, we've always been good to females on this show. But then we switched things up a couple months ago when we introduced our brand new regular. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great, the powerful, the one, the only, Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. What's up, y'all? All right, no pictures. I got to take this outfit back tomorrow. Along with the shades. I'm addicted to candy. I love candy, man. Love that shit. I like steak, but I will fuck a bag of Skittles up. And I got a friend, man, he be giving me shit, you know. He be like, Malcolm, man, that shit gonna kill you, man. He be like, you a snicker boy away from being a diabetic. And this nigga is a crackhead.

He gotta lift weights to get high. Okay, that go a vein right there. I just throw a Skittle in my mouth and I'm satisfied. I'm lazy. And I be trying to stay away from candy, man, but that shit been following me. I was in Walgreens the other day, going to get some deodorant. Walked past the candy aisle and a snicker bar fell. Boom.

That was the loudest Walgreens has ever been. Niggas know to shut the fuck up when they in Walgreens And I was high so the snicker bar started talking He was like where you going I was like man leave me alone I need some deodorant He said you better stop listening to that crackhead and pick me up So I picked him up and started chewing him And he was talking in my mouth He was like yes

Oh no no finish Malcolm finish finish, finish, finish, finish, finish, finish Malcolm. I picked him up, he started talking in my mouth, he was like, yeah, scratch my back, scratch my back, yeah, yeah, get them nuts, get them nuts, get them nuts. Now swallow. There you go. There's the big beautiful close.

Malcolm Hatchet. Normally he has a great minute every week. This week he had a little special minute and a half. And out come the crawlers. Fuck yeah, man. My bad, I ran the clock. I thought it was a minute.

It's all good. Welcome back on the show. How about one more time for Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. I'll tell the show. How about one more time for Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen? I'll tell you this. Not only did you crush with a bunch of extra time as well, which is always good, but you are definitely talking about real shit that has to do with your life. I know you very well, and I'm one of the people that are like, hey, man, maybe you should lay off the candy.

I'm one of the people that are like, hey man, maybe you should lay off the candy. A lot of people care about you, Malcolm, and you eat a lot of candy. Hell yeah. And nothing healthy. Just candy and fast food. Do you ever eat a salad?

I mean, I look at it, but I don't touch it. Hell no. And your dad died at 51? Nah, he was like 57. Shit. And your dad died at 51 from... Nah, he was like 57. 57. All right. In that case, eat all the candy you want. He died from diabetes though, right?

Yeah. Did he like candy too? Nah, he drank a lot of beer. Oh, okay. Tony, his dad's name was Nestle Snipes. Let me tell you something. Bitch, you are setting women back right now Watch your mouth I'm for people of color, shut up

Joe Rogan You're real comfortable, man You're past one of the toughest hurdles In all of comedy You're super comfortable You go on stage, you're comfortable You're fun to watch You get great energy You're past the hardest hurdle, man. Like, you go on stage, you're comfortable, you're fun to watch, you get great energy.

You know, you're past the hardest hurdle, wouldn't you say? Like, how comfortable he is on stage? He's had that. It's one of the hardest hurdles. Yeah. That's a hurdle. It really is, man. It's like all the other stuff sort of falls into place.

But for some people, the being comfortable part never falls into place. It's a really difficult thing. And some guys become writers because they never truly feel comfortable on stage. And you're just comfortable right off the bat. It's very good, man. It's very good. Malcolm has been absolutely killing it since he became a regular a couple months ago.

And still lives in his car. But while living in his car, managed to get signed by a giant agency, a manager and everything, because everybody just rides off that charisma. And it's crazy, you know, for only doing it, how long you been with it? Three and a half years. Three and a half years. But in L.A.?

Nine months. Nine months. That's a baby. And that's impressive. Fuck yeah, Malcolm. How else is life going? You excited about stuff? You look like you're on a vacation in Miami right now.

Yeah, man. I was in Iowa, man. It was nice. Oh, yeah. What were you doing out there? I got booked for a show. Hell yeah. In a nice hotel.

Yeah, man. My boy Dave, he booked me. It was nice, man. Hell yeah. It was real nice, man. It was tight. It was a lot of white people, man. I was comfortable, man. My boy Dave. He booked me. It was nice, man. It was real nice, man. It was tight. I was comfortable, man. I could have warned you about that.

That's what Iowa is. I didn't think nobody lived in Iowa, man. No. Go there during the winter. You're not going to like that. How long of a set did you do in Iowa? 30 minutes. Wow. And it went good. You had fun.

Yeah, it was good. That is so fucking cool, man. And they flew you out and they paid you. Paid me, flew me out, paid me. I cleaned my body, you know, because I don't do that shit. But it was nice, man. Hell yeah, dude. God.

Straight, man. How much time do you think you have you had to do from like the start of your material to the end of it? How much time do I got? Yeah, like what's like the longest set you've ever done? Like 30 minutes, but I'm pretty sure I got an hour.

I just got to discipline myself to do it, but I can do an hour, but I got 30 minutes right now. But yeah. I can do two hours. Just tell me,

and I'm going to do it. Just tell me. I mean, I might bomb and shit. I'm going to be on stage for two hours. I'm not going to give up. Shit. Tom Iver, anything from Malcolm Hatchett?

I just like the way he embraces his silliness. Yeah. Because he's not afraid. When Joe said the hurdle thing, he did a fucking hurdle. Yeah. I mean, people forget that it is supposed to be fun for both of us, the audience and the comedian. Look at me when I'm talking to you, man.

How fucking rude are you? I love it. All right. Well, Malcolm Hatchett, you fucking did it again. Another amazing performance. The people love him. He's getting work. Kill Tony. The one and only regular,

Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. He's funny, man. Yeah, it's crazy. He's loose. These Kill Tonys we do on the road, people get legitimately, we give them everything. We have the craziest fucking shows.

There's a lot of people at the meet and greet that are legitimately disappointed that Malcolm's not there just doing a minute. It's crazy. Everybody brings it up everybody loves them how about one more time for malcolm hatchett you guys what do you guys think we should we go back to the bucket one more time, huh? Why not, right? Whoa, wait a second. What the fuck is this? I don't think I've...

Are those... Wait a second. Are those the cat burglars? Cat burglar. Cat burglar. Again, another example of one of the most famous characters in the history of the best damn band in the land.

The Cat Burglars are here. You guys been up to some crazy schemes lately? Oh, you have no idea, Tony. Yeah? So many schemes, so many. Cat Burglar. All right. Well, I love it. Yeah? So many schemes, so many cat burglars. Ha ha ha. All right.

Well, I love it. Let's see what the cat burglars think about our next comedian. Put your hands together. Heather Kozlakowski. Heather Kozlakowski. Here she comes. From deep in the western corner. Here she comes.

Make some noise. It's Heather Kozlikowski. Thank you. Thank you. I'm Heather Kozlikowski, and this is my butt. I feel like I need to introduce it because it's big. Thank you.

Thank you. I have a big butt. I do. I know I have a big butt because people tell me. Guys that like it tell me. They're like, girl, I'm into your butt. I'm into your butt I'm into your butt and I'm like that's nice but I would like you to be into me

for me you know and by me I do mean my titties and my vagina that is what I'm comfortable with and once a week, actually I fucked that up. Once a month, you can be into my butt. Once a month. Once a week, I

need to get checked out. There's something, something wrong with me. Fuck yeah, Heather. Something wrong with me Fuck yeah, Heather You made it all about your butt And I didn't know why Until I saw your face Now that the feminists are gone I can say whatever I want Oh my god

Oh my god It is true. I like that joke. Heather Kozlickowski. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you. Fuck yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Like eight years. Eight years. All in L.A.? No. Where at? Michigan. Ah.

All of it in Michigan? I've been in L.A. It'll be three years in August. I'm super nervous. My at? Michigan. Ah. All of it in Michigan? I've been in L.A. It'll be three months, or three years in August. I'm super nervous. My butt is shaking. Can you see? Three years in August.

What do you do for a living? In L.A., I'm a business systems analyst, which I never was before I moved here. Where were you in Michigan? I was a radio, a broadcast instructor.

You like my jacket? Thank you. We have a dirty heckler from some corner of the room. Yeah, I taught broadcasting at a school, a trade school in Michigan for 12 years. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Did you say broadcasting? I did. Catbug laugh. Your pants have back pockets on the front. Why is that? Face the crowd so that it gets a laugh, dummy. There you go. How dare you.

How dare you. Face the B more. God damn it. I'm just kidding. Heather, you're not a dummy. You're adorable. Thank you. You'm just kidding. Heather, you're not a dummy. You're adorable. Thank you. You are.

Anyway. So what's your, so you're a business systems analyst. Do you stand up comedy a lot? I should do it more. So, no. Why don't you do it enough? Why don't I do it enough? I was scared of Los Angeles for my first three years.

I didn't have a job, a full-time job, so I finally got a contract where I work now for a year, and that switched something. Now I feel comfortable. I have health insurance. And I really, I spend a lot of time alone in my room doing nothing instead of going to open mics like I should. What do you do in your room when you say you're doing nothing?

What do you actually do? Butt stuff, right? What do I do? I room when you say you're doing nothing? What do you actually do? Butt stuff, right? What do I do? I fuck stuff? Butt stuff. Oh, butt stuff. I have a guess. Yes?

Perhaps she queefs on a pancake and calls it French toast. Can't make that. Oh, shit. Wow, I got super vulnerable with you guys and told you some real stuff. No, no, not really. I asked you...

Oh, what do I do alone in my room? I asked you what you do alone in the room and they answered for you. I watch Netflix and Hulu and Eat. Wow, what a catch. Oh, Jesus Christ. What do you like to do for fun, Heather, when you let your hair down? You know what I mean?

What do you do? I go hiking. I like hiking. I've been to California. It's a fantastic state. I've been to Yosemite. Tony. Yes, yes. California is a fantastic state I've been to Yosemite Tony I have read some of her

Rosie O'Donnell fan fiction She likes to smoke the kush I cannot tell if she is Describing herself on a dating site Or running for office I like California Heather give us I cannot tell if she is describing herself on a dating site or running for office. I like California. Heather, give us something juicy.

What's the wildest thing about you? What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Come on, there must be something. What's the craziest thing I've ever done? Yeah. I worked an unpaid internship with the insane clown posse. Oh, Jesus Christ. Was that good?

Why didn't you say so? We saluted you like you went to NAMM. Congratulations, by the way. We found your new opener. What was that like? It was fun. I was Mystery Miss Terry opposite Upchuck the Clown on a show called The Fun House. I do talk about how that's...

So they put you in clown makeup and stuff? No, I chose to wear a purple wig. And when we go to events, I do like a little bit of eye makeup that was wackier, but no. Oh. That sounds pretty much like feminist Stacy to me. It does, yeah. I was in a band called Insane Cat Pussy. No. That sounds pretty much like feminist Stacy to me.

I was in a band called Insane Cat Posse. Cat Posse. Heather, how long did you work this unpaid internship with the Insane Clown Posse? Three years. What? Three years unpaid with the Insane Clown Posse? I was dating Upchuck the Clown. Oh.

Yeah. Damn. The plot thickens, Tony Hinchcliffe. Indeed it does. Turns out Upchuck was fucking some insane clown pussy. That is a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. That is a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. That is a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. That's a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. In the moment, sort of punny, but could only work right

then, given the circumstances. Yes. That's a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. Heather, I love this. You sort of remind me of a character that would be in Back to the Future or something like that.

I can't quite put my finger on it. Is there something... I don't know what it is. I can't quite figure it out. You ever think about being a stuntwoman? No. No. Business social advocate or whatever

that's working out for you? Business systems analyst. Sure. That's working out for you? Business systems analyst. Sure. That's working out for you? Right now, yeah. I'd like to do comedy and work. She looks like, what's her name, Joan Cusack? How long have you been doing comedy?

About eight years. Eight years. And are you doing it a lot? Like how often are you doing it a week? No, I'm not doing it a lot. Before I moved out here in Michigan, I was like right up to featuring and being a road comic. But I got laid off at my teaching job. So I took my 401K and my severance.

I moved out to Los Angeles. My cousin and my best friend live here. And, yeah, so I started. I really didn't do – I'm being so honest right now. I didn't do all the stuff. Somehow, yet, you're the most boring guest of the night, Heather. Wow, your honesty is just shaking this room to shreds. The pressure is overwhelming. So much pressure, Tony. I just didn't do it. I didn't hit the ground running. I came out and I didn't hit the ground running. And I am, I'm doing more now. I was

like, I have to come out to the comedy store and like be here well you fucking did it I'm here that's what it feels like Heather Kozlakowski ladies and gentlemen she's on twitter at h kozlakowski k-o-z-l-a-k-o-w-s-k-i

was there more or are we done that's it you're done there's more to the done? That's it. You're done. There's more to the show. Your part's way done. I had to take extra long to dig deep to try to find a compelling story and it did not happen. There she goes, Heather Kozlikowski, everybody.

Come on. If anyone needs it, it's her. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time? Get a quick one out. One last one. Fuck yeah. Can't end on a goddamn business social associate. Ooh, another one word

name. They've been very kind to us here tonight. Put your hands together for Dino. Dino? Is there a Dino? Any Dino coming? Is there a Dino? Is there a Dino? Any Dino coming? Is there a Dino coming from back there? Nope. Blacklisted.

Yeah, Dino just got blacklisted. Damn, Dino. What do you guys think? You still have hope in this thing? Something crazy about to happen? Put your hands together for Alex Berman. Here we go. Alex Berman. That's go. Alex Berman.

That's not Alex going the wrong way, is it? Fuck yeah, he's taking the longest path. Alex Berman just knocked over a human's drink. Oh, fuck yeah. He's freaking out. Alex Berman, ladies and gentlemen. Man, I knocked over that table. I started putting my phone in my front pocket

and it's been the worst. Okay, so I'm from the streets. Cheswick Court is a neighborhood I grew up in. They had a couple rules in Cheswick Court one you gotta own a house so you're not getting in the neighborhood alright no horseplay on the golf course

and no parties allowed this one time I was partying on the golf course and we were so loud that the cops got called so we ran into the neighborhood. Unfortunately, the cops could not get us because they didn't own a house.

Man, I'm so thrown off because... All right. My friend gave me these red shoes and ever since I got these red shoes, yeah, I feel like I've become a new person. Alex Berman. Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe. What the fuck was that first joke?

It wasn't a joke. He just said he moved your phone to the front. Was that a joke or were you just talking? No, no, no, Brian. It wasn't. It wasn't. Well, it was more of like a statement sentence. Oh, no, no, Brian, it wasn't. It was more of a statement sentence. You're at the statement club. I forgot. Everybody loves statements here

at the comedy store. Now, let's just acknowledge the fact that for the first time in Kill Tony history, he started bombing before hitting the stage. He knocked over an entire table in that corner on his way. One person called him an idiot. Don't yell at those guys. Don't

get them in trouble. I see security over there. Are they getting in trouble now? Yo, Tony, I was always jabbing, dude. It's good for the club. They're going to buy more drinks now. You look like a young Oompa Loompa, Alex. I don't know what's going on here. Have you ever done stand-up before?

Yeah, I've been doing it for nine months. Hold on, let's actually find out what did happen. Something's happening back there. Can we get a report from one of the door guys? Can you yell something? Oh, that's the best thing anybody's ever said ever. When you said, can I get a report from a door guy? He says, he mad.

You win, sir. You should be a meme right now and you should be spread you should be trending worldwide hashtag he mad let's get this bitch going folks take pictures he mad hashtag he mad alex do you feel bad at all for knocking over that table of strengths so i feel bad but it's like what am i gonna do you know i at all for knocking over that table of drinks? So I feel bad, but it's like, what am I going to do, you know? I'm not going to buy their drinks. You're not? Spoken like a true sociopath.

What am I, made of money? Come on. Listen to the boos from the crowd. They are aggressive. Alex, this is not going good. I know. I mean, they're drinking, right? I judge them already. I don't drink. Wow. right? This crowd is hot. I judge them already.

I don't drink. Wow. I'm going to double down. I'm going to triple down. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. This is the first time I've ever seen a comedian go full pro wrestling heel on stage. I was just going to say that.

Yeah. I like it. I like what you're doing. You're going with the flow. Whoa. Wait a second. Is that the President of the United States of America? And Hillary Clinton?

Wow. Amazing. I'm just going to say I love this guy's confidence. He knows how to grab an audience by the balls and make them hear something that they truly want to hear deep down inside. I like you. You're white. You're going to go places, kid.

Oh. Oh my god. Hillary Clinton, you have anything? Whoa! Jolena! Jolena! Jolena just invaded the stage.

Jolena is a Latina woman fresh out of prison trying to get her life together but I think she's a Mexican transsexual I don't like this puto or this bitch what's up oh my god

Mr. President what do you think about Cholina coming out here those are the kind of ugly people we want to keep on the other side of the wall. Hey, keep it to yourself, homie. All right, moving on. Hey, what's up, Tony? How you doing, eh? Jolina, it has been a long time.

Welcome back. That's right, eh. Look, what Trump doesn't want you to know, I jacked him off back in 2000. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, for reals? Hey, for reals? Hey, don't lie, fool. Hey, don't lie, fool. Oh my god Oh my god Hey for reals Hey for reals Hey don't lie fool

Hey don't lie fool I jacked you off You're about to fucking lie The fucking word jacked Oh my god Yeah what's wrong with it I jacked him off I'm sorry Oh my god Jacked Yeah, what's wrong with it, eh? I jacked it him up. I'm sorry, all right?

Oh, my God. Jacked it? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's right, eh? You got a problem? President Trump. She was going by a different name then.

Her name was El Nino Daniels. Oh, my God. Oh, so you remember, puto? All right, cool. All right. Oh my god Oh so you remember puto Alright cool Alright Hey I will say It was half the price And she did work harder than a lot of whites Hey Tony

Hey Honestly Hey I fucking I peeded it on this boy I peeded it on this boy. I peeded it on him. Wait, you peeded it on him?

I fucking pissed it in right before I jacked it in. Give up. Holy shit. Oh my goodness. And I'll take any questions. Yeah. Then she farted on me and grass clippings came out of her ass. Hashtag jacked it. Trend that.

Hashtag he mad. Sorry, Jolina. Sorry, Mr. President, but we have to get back to your evil son Eric up here. I jacked this fool off too, eh? Really? Is that true? Yeah, you think I lied, homie? Where were you

at when you jacked him off? The location's not important. What matters is I thought I did it. Holy shit. I'm just seeing that guy from season two, episode eight of Westworld. Holy shit. I'm just seeing that guy from season two, episode eight of Westworld. Wow. You guys know? You get the reference?

Wow. I don't know what the fuck this fool's talking about. Okay, I can't defend your actions on what you just said. My God. Alex, so far on stage, you've gotten more booze than the three bars here at the comedy store.

Wow. It's booze. It's a booze show. This one has the charisma of Trump's Wally. Alex, what's the most likable thing about you? If you told us something that you think would win over this crowd, what would it be? You voted for Trump twice. I didn't vote in the last election.

Of course he didn't. You're the most unlikable human ever. No, I mean, alright, so the most likable thing is Thank you for your support. You're welcome. I donate to charity. I love Kiva.org. It's like microloans to the third world. I love to give money

to help buy cows and like random And you don't want to buy the table drinks that you knocked over? Jesus, Alex. Get your priorities straight. What do you do for work? I'm a producer. Really? What are you producing? Other than bad 60 second comedy

sets. We've got four TV shows kind of in the development phase and then we've got a film that we're working on right now. I think we all have four shows in the development phase, Alex. Which we should, right? We're all in L.A. We should be hustling. We should be getting it done.

Yes, we should be. Yeah. Yes, indeed we should, Alex. Hashtag grind like we should be. What's one of your best TV shows about? What's the plot? So one is called Poor for shows about? What's the plot? So one is called Poor for the Course

It's like a workaholics golf comedy Sort of deal It's like a fucking guy It's like Friends, Friends meets Golf Course That was actually perfect You played that song Spot on with what it is Can you guys boo Alex some more please?

I can't do it myself. Tony. Yeah, Dom. Yeah, Dom Ivera. I've been on this show so many times. Yeah. Thank you. I have never seen anybody

more disliked than you, and I find there's something likable about you because you're you because nobody likes white guys anymore. I've never seen them have such antipathy for anybody. They actually fucking stood up and booed. They didn't just sit there. I'm glad I could get some reaction.

And you really didn't say anything offensive. It was just you're a white guy and you like golf. And people are like, that's enough. I've seen enough. I know what this fuckhead's all about. They just jumped on you, dude. I just think he's

one of the good ones, you know? It's weird, man. They just treated you weird. There's a reaction they had to you. Must have been spilling the drinks on the way in. There's a little of that, but there's also, like, it's a hard time for white people.

It's tricky. You trying to bait me, Joe Rogan? You can't be extra white right now. You're extra white. Right? You're golf white. So I'm actually half Jewish. It just doesn't come out in my look or attitude. Or what you talk about. You keep talking about golf.

It definitely comes out in the fact that you're developing four shows right now. President Donald Trump. It also came out when you don't want to buy the drinks. That's my favorite joke of the night right there. Dom Arreola, ladies and gentlemen. Tamarira. The fucking goat. Wow.

Fuck yeah. You know what, Alex? I'm going to save your ass. I'm going to let you off the stage. There he goes. Alex Berman, everybody. You know what? I feel like ending it on that would just leave a little sour taste in our mouth.

So what do you say we do one more, but let's have some fun with it, shall we? Tonight on this very special show, we have not had anybody in which it was their first time ever doing stand-up, right? Which is something we love to do on this show. So let's do that. Let's have someone that I know that's very special come up and do stand up for the very first time. Ladies and gentlemen, from Youngstown, Ohio,

the ripe age of 72, put your hands together for my mother, Joy Hinchcliffe! Is that your mom? Wow, this is a full standing ovation. Joy Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen, my mom. She raised me pretty much all by herself.

Wow, full standing ovation. Except for Red Band for you podcast listeners. Here she is, Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody. Okay, I'm going to listen to Joe Rogan and move the mic. Okay. This is going to be ridiculous. Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Oh my God, I'm going to read.

It's exciting to be here. Oh my God. I am Joy Hinchcliffe. I am the mother of the top young rising comedian in the world. I'm sorry, I wasn't using the damn mic. Do some of your old stuff. I'm excited to be here. I don't get to see Tony too often. If he wanted to hang out with an old bag that's a little complacent, a little flabby,

he could hang out with Red Band. Oh, my God. Just keep going. Oh, my God. Your mom should spike that microphone to the middle of the earth right now and walk out of this room because we're not worthy. Only kidding, Red Band. You know I love you, Brian. I know.

You tell me every night. Just kidding. Seriously, what you and Tony have done on this show for female comedians, it's incredible. Like Ken, Sarah, Allie, Jeremiah's haircut. And now you're taking care of my boy, Malcolm. Oh, I love Malcolm. Lay down. Lay down.

If more black men did that when confronted by cops maybe there'd be less shootings hang on oh my god when I told my husband that I wanted to have sex with Joe Rogan, Oh my God.

He said that Joe would break me. he said that Joe would break me. Well, Joe, fear is not a factor for me. Julie Hinchcliffe, ladies and gentlemen. That's tonight's episode, everybody. Let's bring out some more special people. Former regulars,

Allie Makovsky, Sarah Weinshank, Kim Congdon, Vanessa Johnston, Josh Martin, producer of the show, Ichabod, Aphrodite, Ryan J. Ebel, Comedy Store Wagers, his managers, anybody that's here. Bruce Buffer, get your ass back up here. Thank you guys so much. Dom, Joe, sit down. We're going to take a picture. Band, line up. How about the band? Jeremiah Watkins,

Teddy Reagan, Jolbert Jarminez, Chroma Chris, Ichabod's here, ladies and gentlemen. Look, an Aphrodite. Here, sit down. Have a seat real quick while they take these pictures.

How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins tonight, everybody? Joe Rogan, Tom Irera, Inka Bond, thank you guys so much. We love you. Photo op right there down the middle. Love you guys. Good night. Bye. That was two years ago this May. I seen her just the other day. Jack and Mike D to Mike D. Thank you.