KILL TONY - KILL TONY #275

Episode Date: July 6, 2018

Marc Maron, Doug Benson, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/02/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, thessquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony both in video and audio.

We also have tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates that are just being announced every day. We're going to be in Detroit. We're going to be in Indiana. We're going to be in New York. And we just announced that we're going to be at Just for Laughs this year,

both in Montreal and Toronto. And those tickets will go fast. So go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. If you want to go get some merch, we got the new Kill Tony shirt that was just released. And you can go to ShopSquad.TV. Not only do we have the Kill Tony shirt, but we have a bunch of Death Squad merchandise, including hats and shirts and mugs. So check out Shop squad dot TV.

Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode and he just released a new five year poster. So check out Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And of course, Tony Hinchcliffe has his website.

So everything golden pony, go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey everybody.

Welcome. You guys excited or what? You're the number one goddamn live podcast in the world. Brian Redband is here everybody. Josh Martin. Come on guys. Make some more noise than that. This fucking party's out of control.

Great Ryan J. Ebelt is here I know I have my new Kill Tony 5 year anniversary poster Being framed right now Yeah you can get it out in the box office right now Maybe I think yes no You can get it at ryanjebelt.com That's right

And we are having so much fun With this show next week we do it again Here at the comedy Store with our guest Jeff Garland from Curb Your Enthusiasm, everybody. Jeff Garland. And with him will be a secret special guest. But before that,

we head to New York City. Well, actually, no. That's next weekend. After that, we go to New York City, where we hang out all weekend, and we do a Kill Tony in New York City. Sold out already July 15th. And then we go to New York City where we hang out all weekend and we do a Kill Tony in New York City. Sold out already July 15th. And then we go to Montreal, Canada July 24th through the 28th with a Kill Tony on July 25th. That's a big crazy show at a big crazy theater.

So if you're near Montreal, get tickets for that. And if you're a comedian, have a pass for that show. And you can sign up anytime starting an hour, hour and a half ish before. August 1st we're at Hilarities taking Kill Tony to Cleveland and then we do stand up the next night at Hilarities and then the day after that the next day, August 4th we're in

Fort Wayne doing a Kill Tony. My birthday. And then I do stand up August 9th through 11th in Lexington. I think you're going to be there for some of those dates in Jeremiah. And then August 12th, we do a Kill Tony in Nashville, Tennessee. 920 Lansing, Michigan. 921 Grand Rapids, Michigan. 922 Detroit, Michigan.

Detroit with our guest Danny Brown. Jesus, that's going to be crazy. September 25th through the 29th, Toronto. September 28th, Toronto, Kill Tony. Damn. I do Chicago. I just do stand-up October 3rd through the 29th, Toronto. September 28th, Toronto Kill Tony. Damn. We do Chicago. I do Chicago.

I just do stand-up October 3rd through the 6th after that. And Texas Run is being rescheduled for mid-November. Thank God for TSA Pre. Yeah. For the live audience, you guys think it's weird that we're saying dates where we're at other cities, but hundreds of thousands of people listen to this podcast around the world, and you're lucky enough to be here at the live show. Isn't that exciting?

It is exciting. A lot of things are exciting. You know what excites me? Being able to get a good fucking boner. Sexual performance issues are more common than you think. Over 25% of new ED cases are guys under 40. I tell you, I'm turning 44 this summer, and the older I get, the more that I used to have to go to the gas station and get some of those cheap

boner pills that are made in some other country. You don't even know what you're eating. Sometimes you get a boner. Sometimes your lips just get inflated. But instead, now there's this website. It's called 4hims.com and you can actually talk to a real doctor online. You don't

have to go to a doctor's office. You can get prescribed generic Viagra for very, very cheap. And actually I think we might even have a deal for you. Yeah, a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. And you can try HIMS for a month today for just $5. We'll get you started for just

$5 while supplies last. See full website for details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Instead, you can go to forhims.com slash kill. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. Forhims.com slash kill. And it's so much better.

The fact that you don't have to go to a doctor's office is the big key to me. You just do it all online, answer some questions. It's an exciting time. Use it to your advantage. You guys ready to start this thing or what? This is Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store. Every single week, I bring you as my guests two of the funniest comedians in the world, two of the greats, and this week is absolutely no different. Returning guests, both of them, and they've done this show together before,

make some noise for the great Doug Benson and Marc Maron yeah look at this everybody it's Doug Benson and Marc Maron on a motherfucking Monday hell yeah Hell yeah. I am so excited about this. Kill Tony's been a lot of fun lately. I am pumped, and here we are. Mark is already being cynical.

I like it. I'm excited about it. I believe you. I believe you. I believe what you say. Mark, welcome back. Thank you, man. Was I here on the first one? Did I do like the first

That was the LA Podfest, remember back in the days Yeah, but it was like, how many have you done at that point? It was like 50 or 60 Really? I never heard of it Doug Benson, you just did this with us Up in San Francisco, we had a goddamn hit Oh my god, that was fun That was a good time.

Welcome back. A lot of fun stuff's happening. You're going to Columbus. Is that guy a courtroom artist? Yeah, he draws every episode. He's drawing you, so no pressure. Just make... Yeah, move around a lot. That's what happens with police drawings.

They're like, the guy moved around too much. That's why he looks like a lot. That's what happens with police drawings. They're like, the guy moved around too much. That's why he looks like a demon. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Like over a hundred people signed up for the opportunity to do 60 seconds tonight.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you do an uninterrupted 60 seconds in front of me and this panel and this amazing audience and the listeners. And then we interview you. We talk with you about out of the bucket. You do an uninterrupted 60 seconds in front of me and this panel and this amazing audience and the listeners. And then we interview you. We talk with you about anything in the world. Sometimes it goes great. Sometimes people want to kill themselves afterwards. Has there been crying?

Actual tears fought back for sure. I don't know. Have we seen some fall before? I think so. Yeah, Ryan J. Belt says yes. He's like the stats guy on the show. He had a excited face. We've had people storm out.

Remember the time in the belly room? Couldn't take it, huh? That's what I think is the stats. What's he up to now, that guy? Where's the band? Where'd they go? They are here. Before we get to the bucket, every single week we have the funniest, greatest band

in the world. They're the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for them. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Joelberg. Oh, wait a second. I think I know what this is. Coming out with a magic wand.

They are definitely magicians. Wow. Every single week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to be. It appears as though I'm guessing this week, you are magicians. Shocking surprise. Abracadabra.

Fuck yeah. I am excited about this. Jeremiah has the old magician look of the rock star Abe Lincoln thing going on. And clearly we have a magician version of Pocahontas back here. Always killing it fresh off the... I'm the mind freak, Tony.

You better watch your ass. It's Chris Anal. It's Chris Angel. And we clearly have... Yeah, those handcuffs could be magic or another thing huh still magic okay uh if i pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds you know your 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitty that means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry west hollywood bear you guys ready to start this thing or what? Here we go. All the pieces are in place.

Alright, so let's see what happens here. Your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name of Mohinder. Mohinder. Here he is. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. All right. So last week, I got into a car accident with this Chinese guy. But since we're both Asian, we just ended up sharing the blame.

Any Rihanna fans in the house? I love Rihanna. I must say, but I've been noticing that she has a really big forehead. I'm guessing some swellings never do go away. God is overrated. Here's why. So last night, I had $7 in my bank account. And today, I had $100 in my bank account.

See, I didn't look up in the sky and thank God. That's stupid. I thank my mother. Mohinder, ladies and gentlemen. Mohinder, you seem upset. What's wrong? I had another joke. I'm talking to the microphone.

I had another joke. I wasn't finished, but... Oh, you weren't? He had one more joke. You want to finish it? Don't fall for the trap. I got it I want to hear the rest of it

But that's because I'm incredible Burt Wonderstone Yeah go ahead Maybe it ties the whole thing together Is it the mommy joke The one at the end You got more to that It's a whole another joke

Alright joke, the one at the end there? You got more to that? It's a whole other joke? Alright. What's interesting is I actually saw you post I think today or yesterday your notes that you wrote out for tonight. So you had four jokes. You saw him post on social media? Yeah, Twitter. He posted his set list.

I didn't know they were going to laugh for that long. Yeah. All right. Well, Mohinder, why don't we play a little game called What's That Last Joke? Mommy! All right. Here he is, Mohinder.

Mohinder. So a few weeks back, I read a news article about this girl that had acid thrown at her by a bunch of assholes. But the worst part is that she had 50% of her entire body had third degree burns. Devastating. But at the end of the day, the girl should be thankful that she was half Jewish. Wow. It doesn't get much worse than that. You silly bitch, you fell for the trick.

Mohinder, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, this is my, like, eighth time. Eighth time ever on stage. You're just a little baby. Look at that. I felt like the... Correct me if I'm wrong, guys, but I felt like the structure of that last joke, it was minus the humor that he's known for,

but it felt very Anthony Jeselnik. I'm just surprised that he made a stop so he could do it. Like that was the big closer? The acid girl? Like you're like, this will do it. This is the one. This is going to turn it all around for me.

The one that kind of makes sense and knocks women and Jews. Jeremiah the Magician? You just made Marc Mar and Jews. Jeremiah the magician? You just made Marc Maron go, what the fuck? Wow. So Mohinder, how old are you? 28. Oh, you made me go, Doug loves movies. Let's play the Leonard

Malton game. What do you do for a living? Acting and screenwriting. Acting and screenwriting. Really? You expect me to believe that? You look like every New York City cab driver. You're telling me you don't have some grindy, gruely job sometimes? What forklift are you

jumping on, Mohinder? Come on. What's your temp job? I'm an Uber driver. You're what? Uber driver. Uber driver. There's the answer. Thank you for riding in my Uber. Here's my card. And then they look at it. Uber driver. And let me tell you the

Ashton Kutcher director, actor. Don't get out of the car yet. I've got a good one about my mom giving me money My career is going great When I do a show I wear the shirt That has the name of that show on it You alright?

Mohinder's got some bling bling around his neck What is that? You've got some big gold What are those necklaces? I think it's a nail and just a... Is that an Italian horn? No. You think it's a nail? He's not familiar with what it is.

He can't, you know, it's underneath his chin. Oh. Mohinder, you don't know what's around your neck? All right. He's like, what did I put on tonight? We're losing him. Please God,, what did I put on tonight? We're losing him. Please, God, tell me what I put on tonight. Are we supposed to help him or just beat him up?

So you've got some ideas? You got some help for him? I was going to try to say something nice. Okay, try it. It's only his eighth time on stage. Right, that's okay. It seemed like a couple of the jokes were almost there. It almost felt like you were just...

It was like, oh, it's almost got it. You know what I mean? You keep working on the structure a little bit. The mommy money joke, I didn't see it coming. There's something weird about your timing. It doesn't quite work yet. Yeah, it takes forever for you

to get to a punchline. In fact, we're still waiting for one. But... Wait, he's got one more joke. Did you want to... You guys are Mohinder-ing his process. Mohinder. What ethnicity are you?

Indian. What is it? Indian. Indian. See, that's why the Asian joke didn't quite work. Because I don't know if people assume that you're Asian. Wrong Indian. Yeah.

Yeah. Why did you call yourself Asian? Because India. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it Asian? Yeah. That's a Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't it Asia? Yeah.

That's a reach. Right. That's a big reach. When Americans hear Asian, we look for those Asian eyes, dude. I don't know if you know that. I don't know if anybody really puts it that bluntly. Was the other guy Asian-Chinese or Asian? He was Chinese?

Yeah. So it really happened? It was about to happen. That's when the joke came. It was about to happen. That's when the joke came. It was about to happen. Oh, so it didn't happen. No, no, no. I was on the left lane, and then he's pulling out.

And then instead of being on the right lane, he just comes right in. Do you think we're your insurance company right now or something? That this was all a prank to get you up here? Like, let's find out what really happened that afternoon. Well, maybe you should add to that joke that you were both driving shitty. Right? Maybe some charts would help. Yeah.

Say that your carpet is in the shop. Let's go full stereotype. Mohinder, anything crazy ever happen in your Uber? Not really. Not really. Nothing at all. Nothing wild. No one's punched you and you haven't punched anyone. In your Uber.

Then you're not an Uber driver. Yeah. Again, you're saying no like we're the police or something like that. Have you ever said like, I'm not fucking taking you there. No, no, no. I'll take him. No matter what.

That's how it's supposed to work, Mark. They don't find out where you're going until it's too late. This guy's a regular Travis Bickle of the fucking Uber world. You born and raised in L.A.? No, no, no. I just moved here in January. From? From, okay, born in India, raised in New York, lived in Mississippi, and now here.

Oh, so now we're supposed to go, like, Mississippi. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you did the old Mississippi jump. Yeah, that sounds like a good joke setup right there. Where's that material? Somewhere down the river. Yeah, you should be like, I think I'm Asian, and I'm from Mississippi, and you're good to go. That seems interesting to me, because why were you in Mississippi?

I was 12 when we moved, so I really didn't have a choice. You were kidnapped? How long did you spend there? About 12 13 years. So a long time. So yeah you were from 12 to 24-ish. In Mississippi. 12 to 13 years

is how somebody describes a prison stay. At some point you had a choice. You gotta know how many years it was. What were you doing down there? It's not that matter. How'd you end up in Mississippi? Like I said, I was 12. My parents, they owned a business.

What business? It was a hotel. They had the New York hotel and then they opened the Mississippi hotel. Alright. A, yeah? Yeah. They had the New York hotel, and then they opened the Mississippi hotel. All right. A nice hotel? Yeah. Did you work there?

Yeah, about like eight years. Oh, where's that material? Wait, what year was this? Was this after 9-11 that your parents moved you from New York to Mississippi? It really was? When did you guys move? About, yeah, in 2001. I think we just solved a fucking

crime up here. One of the original guys that were supposed to be a hijacker. That's why you've been afraid to answer these questions, huh? Mohinder, if that really is your name. Alright, we're gonna let you go. I'm afraid that we're taking part of a federal offense.

Mohinder is on Twitter at MohinderSingh89. There he goes. And you can get that shirt that he's wearing in the box office. Yeah, it's a great shirt. Put your hands together for his shirt, everybody. Come on.

What is it? It only comes in one size? What? All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jeff Harris. Here we go. Here comes movement from the far side. Here he comes.

Right around the completely unaware waiter Hell yeah Jeff Harris everybody Hi So this is kind of a social experiment for me I'm terrified of being on a stage In front of an audience And trying to be totally sincere

And just getting fucking laughed at. Or not. You know, I guess it just kind of sucks all around. Yeah, so I guess it's this compelling need I have to be liked. But I have really high standards for what that means. Like, I don't believe somebody actually likes me until they've fully licked my asshole.

Yeah. I walk around at the party just being that sad guy waiting for his asshole to be licked. I'm kind of socially awkward. But my exes make me feel better. They say, Jeff, what you lack in charisma, you make up for with neediness and codependency. So, anyway, thank you. There you go.

Jeff Harris, everybody. Jeff, what the fuck was that? Yeah. Yeah, dude, lock the gates. I didn't love it, but I fully licked it. Have you ever done stand-up before? Nope. So you signed up for this show.

Yep. Is this something you've been planning to do for a while? You know, I have this roommate. I told him about it, and I didn't think I was going to do it because I was mortified. Was it a dare? Kind of. I mean, I wanted to do it because I was mortified. Was it a dare? Kind of. I mean, I wanted to do it because I saw people on stage just getting ripped apart. I was like, I would die if I did that.

And I was like, I should do it because that's how you improve yourself. So you wrote the one joke, the asshole-licking joke, and you're like, this is what I'm going up there with? Yeah. You're like, I've got to have something. I've got to have something about assholes. This will do it. Yeah. Just asshole-licking got to have something. I got to have something about assholes. This will do it. Yeah.

Just asshole licking. Catholic priests call that a confession. I just hope you get it licked because it sounds like you really want it. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Does that happen for you a lot? Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?

What's your situation? I broke up with a girl. I had a girlfriend. Straight. Why'd you break up with her? Because he tried to make her lick his ass all the time. Yeah. And she was like, maybe you need a dude.

And he's like, okay. Right? Is he straight or is he not? You decide. Well, it sounds like you got some stuff to work out And this was a fine place to start it Yeah, what the fuck, I don't know What do you like to do when you're not The lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age?

Right? Comics, thank you I produce music What kind of music? Top 40 pop music Really? That's a genre? Yeah I know

Have you decided that or have you actually had top 40 pop music? No I haven't had any I'm not a big deal or anything I just I produce music for artists He makes top 40 music that hasn't made it into the top 40 That's just a technicality Mark I get it

It's top 40 style music. It's just not, you know, it hasn't got there yet. It's like he's making top 41 shit day and night. The world has not caught up yet. We haven't heard any of the hits that you've produced. Unless, you know, there's this old

couple in Colorado. How do you know these aren't bottom 40 hits, by the way? How dare you even call it top? There's an old couple in Colorado. How do you know these aren't bottom 40 hits, by the way? How dare you even call it top? There's an old couple in Colorado. Where was that going? I got hired to do a Christmas record for this group of old ladies. Top 40, pop style?

Can we find it somewhere? Is it on the internet? No, you can't even find it. They didn't market it, but they paid me. They didn't market it, you mean they didn't put it out at all? It's like an in-house thing? It's like physical copies that you can't find if you Google it, but they paid me. They didn't market it, you mean they didn't put it out at all? It's like an in-house thing? It's like physical copies that you can't find if you Google it. So they're rare. Yeah.

Yeah. Can you give us a little example of, you know, do you ever sing? Oh, Jesus. No, that's why I produce. I produce people who sing. So you just produce, which basically means that you sit at a computer and you sort of tell them what to do and mix it together. Basically, yeah.

If you don't have any experience, then how do you have experience? Well, I just didn't want to say that I sing because I don't want to fucking sing right now. That'd be worse than what I did a second ago. So you do sing. No, Jesus, fuck. A little bit ago, you said that you came, let me explain something that happened here, Jeff Harris. I'm here every week on this show. This is why

I'm here, bro. This is it. Sing like you're being fully licked. You came up here and you said that you're doing this as a social experiment. That you have a craving need to be liked and you made everyone basically not like you. Yeah, I experiment. You have a craving need to be liked and you made everyone basically

not like you. You basically turned into Rob Gronkowski's spoiled nephew. Is that true? I think what happened was most people were like, uh-oh. This is uncomfortable. He shouldn't be doing this. What he should be doing is singing.

I think if you want to be liked, if you just gave them one powerful line, they'd lose their minds. Why do I... Tony... Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let's see what Schoelberg has to say. I was going to say, why do I feel like he's going to sing the German national anthem right now?

That would be impressive. Why don't you sing us a little diddly? Is this now the voice? Jesus. Any requests? I'm at a loss right now. Journey. Journey?

Can I get... Oh, wait, we have no... Jeremiah only knows how to play four songs on saxophone. Can you sing Manhunter? Man Eater? If you do this, are you going to kill yourself? I mean, probably at some point.

Why don't you sing the national anthem? I bet a lot of guys in this room will get down on both knees. Come on. Here he is. Big Bad Producer. Small town girl living in a lonely world

She took the mid No Fuck you Fuck yeah I can't compete with that It couldn't have gone any better Good job, buddy That worked out

I was nervous, man Now, do you think You're not going to do stand-up comedy ever again, though, right? You just No, this is awesome Because it can't get worse than this. Let me tell you this. You've already done more stand-up comedy than you have produced music. So you're basically farther along in this.

Karaoke should just be they play the song and then they give somebody a mic that's not turned on and they just pretend to sing along. That was amazing. That's a bunch of shows on different networks, Doug. They have those. It's called lip sync battle. Yeah, right? You're going to go crazy. But you don't have to lip sync good.

Do the ass lick hook. You become like the ass lick guy. Yeah. When people see him, they're like, that's a fucking ass licker guy. Yeah, that'd be great. That's the whole thing? No.

Just trying to give professional advice now. I'm trying to do the right thing. Your ass-licking material definitely ate shit up here tonight. I promise you that. But there he goes. I'll tell you, it takes a lot of fucking balls to try something like that, and he did it. Jeff Harris.

He gave us a line. Come on, one more time for Jeff Harris. He's saying don't stop believing at the wrong fucking times. How priceless is that? He was certain. He was just killing it in that moment and then the actual singer comes in. Sounding a thousand times better, by the way.

Yeah, the singer sounded better, Tony. Yes. The singer of the song. Yeah. Put your hands together. He kills it, that guy. The singer of the song. Yes. Yeah. Put your hands together. He kills it, that guy. The singer of Journey did a good job with the Journey song, Tony. Steve Perry singing the song that he wrote and originated really fucking nailed it at the beginning of that song.

By the way, let's not forget, it was the studio version of Don't Stop Believin', not even live. I thought it might have been the Filipino guy. Apparently he's very good at doing it. He's so good. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Catherine Faith, everyone. Wow. Here we go.

Catherine Faith. Hell yeah. I'm not seeing movement. Some of us feel like going for Christ. I'm not going movement. Some of us feel like going crazy. That's just a female that got up at the exact time. She just decided, you know what? The band just stops.

Holy shit, Faith No More? Oh, Jesus. That almost spilled on everything. Can I get another diet soda? Can I get another not diet soda? Another thing? Another Doug thing? whatever that is. Yeah, whatever I want.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Andrew Roda, everyone. Andrew Roda. I think everybody's deathly afraid after seeing Jeff Harris' thing. Oh, here he comes. It's Andrew Roda, everybody. Moving at Undertaker-like speed. You guys are going to think I'm really funny after those two guys.

Hello? Can you hear me? Sorry. There you go. That's it. So I was going to tell you guys about some really sad shit that happened in the last couple weeks, but I found out like a billion people listen to this. So I'm doing a real quick pivot. I'm going to tell you a story of revenge. Don't fucking interrupt me. So I used to live on Hollywood Boulevard for about nine years,

and I was walking home with my carry-out Chinese food, and a gentleman that was trying to turn across traffic was displeased, I guess, with my cadence in the crosswalk. And so he yells out his window, move faster, you fucking asshole. So I give him the double barrel with both hands and say, go fuck yourself. He throws his car into park

and he's... Wow, that's quick. Shit. Yeah, you started a story 30 seconds into your set. Can I go real quick? How much longer do you think this thing is? I'll button this up in 20 seconds, I guess. We gotta hear the end of this fucking thing. It gets so much better.

This was a trick. He knew what was happening. Okay, so you gave him double guns. So he puts his car in park and he opens his door and then he comes running up the street at me. And I'm like, this escalated really quickly. And so I'm running a couple blocks with my Chinese food and then I dropped my pan fried dumplings in my lo mein, and he keeps chasing me. But we get about two blocks away from his car.

You ran in a circle? So this is an important detail that you guys don't know and that he didn't know, and then it's that I'm really fucking fast. And so I go running back to his car. I take the keys out of the ignition. You were fast in that situation maybe. But not at getting to the end

of this story. So you run back. You get the... You love his car. I take the keys out of his ignition. Just to clarify, this has been more than 20 seconds. Yes, for sure. I'm just trying to get it out of him. I hope this ends good.

Do you kill the guy? I ran over to the storm drain. Do you replace him in his grunge band? You go to the storm drain. And that is how the Foo Fighters were born. For you listening, he's got a flannel shirt tied around his ass. Yeah, so you took the keys,

you threw them in the storm drain. I took the keys, I threw them in the storm drain, and I fucking ran. And you what? I ran. Oh shit, you ran from a fine punchline. And we happen to have that guy

right here. The man whose keys you took, where is he? This is going to be a great reunion, you fuck. Andrew. Tony. Yes, Joel Berg. Oh, this guy smells like middle-aged spirit. Joel Berg is here.

Oh, shit, there he is. Lights out. Joel Berg is here. Hey. This is he is. Lights out. Schoenberg is here. Hey. This is your first time on stage, right? Oh yeah. And you're an actor,

aren't you? No. What do you do? Do you manage a building? I work in film finance. His name's Chris Bornell. Did you have any intention of being funny?

No. What made you sign up here tonight? You're a film finance guy? I found out in line and I thought it would be fun. Has anyone ever told you you look like the hair in a shower drain if it was a person? How long have you been working in film finance?

Six years. Six years. You don't play music of any kind? I don't. Really? I guess this was an unfortunate choice of wardrobe. What films have you financed? Top 40 shit.

Like, the thing that's around your waist, where would you wear it if you were wearing it? Triple shirts, dude. It goes over the sweater or under the sweater. I thought it might be cold. Are you worried that people think you have a big ass? Why are you thinking from behind they might think it's a kilt

and you might meet somebody from the Scottish Isles? Doug, don't your hips ever get cold? You are an interestingly stylish guy. What about the films? No films? No, we just did one with Morgan Freeman and Tom Lee Jones that got 5% on Rotten Tomatoes last year, which I think sets a record. No, God, he was the lowest.

But it was $25 million. What was the name of the movie, Fuckface? Just Getting Started. Just Getting Started? Just Get Started? All right. Do you know that movie? Wow. I can't call someone who looks like Jesus, Fuckface.

I'm sorry. He was just beating around the bush. He's dropping all these stats, and it's sort of like... Oh, he was beating around the burning bush? Yeah. I apologize. How'd you start working in film finance? What took you to that field?

I worked in investment banking, and then I came out here to paint. I get it. So you're like this bad boy nerd. That's why you look like that and everything. You're just sort of like letting it rip, like rock and roll fucking numbers guy. He just said he came out here to paint, didn't he?

Yeah, he did mention that. I am a painter. Oh, okay. Well, no. If you're asking, I didn't like painting 12 hours a day in an art studio, so I went back into numbers. How is that art? No, I know.

I date a painter. Where are the paintings available for looking at? Oh, God. I don't want to tell these fucking people. You don't want to tell these people? Whoa, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? You're going to keep your art secret from them? What do you guys think about that?

He doesn't want to tell you where his art can be found. Jesus Christ. These people love to be hated tonight. AndrewRota.com. Crucify him. AndrewRota.com. Okay. That's amazing.

It's at his... What kind of art do you do? Like, what's, like, is it acrylic, finger painting, what? Western realism. Western realism. Western realism. Cowboy boots. Oh, that's great.

Like horses and, like, sunsets and maybe a bowl. Jesus. Saddles, bandanas, close-ups. You must have to climb over so much pussy to get out of bed in the morning. What's your sex life like? It's crazy? You're into like you hook up with

multiple women? It's good. You seem like you always have orgies. Am I wrong about that? A lot of painting, just more chicks come over. You're like, yeah, it's western spiritualization I have a feeling you swing with the Trivago guy Yeah, you know, ladies When I got to a point where I was so financially secure

I'm like, I'm just going to start painting for 12 hours a day Worst comes to worst, I'll just get back into it Yeah, he shows them the pictures of the saddles And he shows them the Sibian machine, right? Yep. It all rolls right in. All of a sudden, he starts taking off his own clothes, which takes forever.

Let me start on this flannel shirt and then my belt. Wait till you see how many pairs of fucking socks I'm wearing. And then when he's fully naked, he ties the flannel shirt back on. And much like your set, you half-kilted tonight, Andrew. If you come back, tell the story about how this felt for you.

Yeah, can you put this in a painting? Hey, and could you put your other hand up? We need to nail them. There he goes. We're going to get him out of here. It's Andrew Roda, everybody. Another person. I don't know if you guys heard his answer, but

I'm pretty sure he heard of the show while he was waiting in line already for it. I found out about the show when I was waiting in line. Guys, you have a courageousous doofus night here It is, it's pretty crazy I mean I'm just saying like Who would do this to themselves

Just because they were waiting in line for a show Oh shit, son of a bitch What? Nothing I mean he died for our sins, why not do some stand up I pulled another name out of the bucket It's Rob Thompson Rob T Comedy Rob Thompson why not do some stand-up, you know? I pulled another name out of the bucket. It's Rob Thompson.

Rob T. Comedy. Rob Thompson. Is that person here? There he comes. There he is. Rob Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, everybody. How's it going?

You know, my back is hurting me these days, and I could totally use a back massage. I don't know about you. Makes me think it would probably feel real good getting a back massage from a WWE wrestler. You know, like, oh, yeah, brother, let me get them knots out for you. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Yes, I am a tall man. My looks do not deceive you. I was born this way, to quote Lady Gaga. And I was actually born this height. Rest in peace, my moms. Because she is dead because I tore her cunt open when I died. She died. That word makes me feel weird.

I don't use that word too much. I use it every once in a blue cunt. That was the symbol. So, 60 seconds is pretty cool. All right. There you go, Rob Thompson. Hell yeah. Out of all the names in the bucket you got on i believe it was what last week yeah last week and that was your first time ever on the show yeah

this is your second time on the show that's right you've been doing it a while uh this is my third time this year did it for a couple couple years on and. Like one time one year, maybe two the other year? Yeah, yeah. This is a social experiment. It's so funny. I was literally just going to say, before you said that, you are so naturally funny, Rob. You said this is your fun gestures.

You've got a lot of fun gestures. When I'm not producing Aryan Brotherhood music for Top 40 and I don't know. He's a riff monster. Fuck, I wish I thought of that. I don't know. I'm the funniest guy in the

Sam's Club lot. That's what you do. You retrieve carts at Sam's Club. I push shopping carts. Yes. You're the collector of the carts? Yeah. Yeah, there's like a dozen diapers in a cart today. They must have took that kid to a baby buffet. I don't know what the fuck that was.

Stop. He's still getting more bits in. It's smart. He's just sneaking it in. Thank you. Who would have thought that I'll let the people out of the bucket be funny if they choose to take the opportunity to do it. It was pretty easy after that lineup to feel good. Get a chance when you're on Kill Tommy.

Try to be funny. If you can. It's a great opportunity. I've never really felt the need to say it. I know we're five years and three weeks in. Go ahead. Be funny. Sure.

Be funny if you want. No. Get rid of that. Whatever you opened with, that was not in concert with everything else you did. So get rid of whatever that was. The wrestling massage? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, this voice.

Like, you know. It was some pandering because I know Tony likes wrestling. Oh, Tony likes wrestling. It was a little ass kiss move. And it was a bad macho man. That was like a wrestler that doesn't exist. But then once you got into the bits and you were kicking for no reason and gesturing.

Yeah, you got into it. I don't think you need all the cunt drops. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, you didn't need any cunt drops. Alright. But when you went to your hand, is it on your hand? Or you just went to your hand? I went to my hand.

So you were pretending to read off your hand? I like that. Why not use that? You don't need cunts on your hand. Oh, yeah. No. Less cunts. I'm just concerned for you. I don't care. A cunt's fine, really. He's concerned. Yeah. Very concerned. What's your love life like? You in love with

a woman or something right now? You know what? Or something? Yeah. Well, yeah. there's a lady out there. I was doing the app thing, and I met some woman that could talk to dogs. Oh, here's another bit. And then what happened? I've been waiting for this all day, guys. Planned in my head.

I bet. You push carts for a living. Yeah, yeah, she could talk to dogs. I have a chow chow at my house, which are not very people friendly. And she was ripping on me. I'm not a big drinker, right? She was ripping on me for not drinking. So lame, man.

We let her in our house for some reason. And she wanted to talk to my dog, who's not a friendly dude. My mom was holding him back, and he was fucking going crazy. Your mom's there? Yeah, my mom was there. The dead one? Yeah, the one that is dead. Because you ripped her cunt apart? Yes. Yes. She's back. She's back. She's alive

and you live with her. Yes. Wow, okay. I live with my mom. I can't wait to hear you do a three minute set. She's holding the dog back. Where's this dog back So she was getting all close And she was talking about synergy I'm not even This is not

This is reality You took the girl to your place Your dog's holding back the dog Because she wants to talk to the dog She wants to have a powwow with your chow chow His big purple tongue Just went in her throat. She deep-throated his tongue.

Really? Yeah, it was pretty cool, actually. But she is also dead because I ripped her cunt open. Oh, another one. It's like DJ Khaled of cunt drops. And your mom said, this is the girl for you.

I feel like your act needs someone asking questions. Yeah. That seems to help your act a lot. You ever play any sports? No, man, no. For a big dude, not very athletic. I did like that hockey game where you could hit each other in the balls. I don't know what it was.

I think that's called being gay. Oh, yes. I think it's called hockey. Yeah, yeah. I don't think you're playing it right, Rob. I don't think it's about just hitting each other in the balls. Maybe not. Any sport can be about that.

It can, yeah. It really depends how you play. If you're playing it right. You ever play hockey? You ever get on ice skates? Dude, after Mighty Ducks 2 came out, oh, my God. We played street hockey. There's another bit in here.

Now I'm going to save that for Fresno. Why? No, okay. Did you just plug a show in Fresno? No, I don't have any shows. Sending that for Fresno, August 25th. Yeah, no. Sending that for Fresno, August 25th.

No. But isn't Fresno like the classic shitty gig city from the 50s? I got a gig in Fresno. Yeah. I did it last week. I got chewed out for not knowing there's cows in Fresno. You did it last week? You didn't take a whiff of air while you were there?

No. Well, I'm from Chino, so I'm familiar with cow shit. But, like, I was born there, and I came back, and I'm like, man, my dad must love agriculture and flies and cows. Is there cows here? They're all timid. They didn't talk to me. Then after the show, this, like, 80-year-old man came up to me.

He's all, how do you not know that Kingston County, there's more cows than people? This jackass. And he left. That was the only feedback I got. We should tour with that guy. Yeah, I will. We're two of Sam's clubs. That guy sounds hilarious.

Yeah, your act should just be things that people said to you about your act. Yeah. Jeremiah the magician? Did your father ever give you a magic kit at the age of three and then later that day die in a tragic car fire? And then your mother, the only thing to cheer you up,

leaned over to you and said, Don't cry, honey. Whoa. He's pulling a cloth out of his sleeve There it is Oh man Pretty sure we just got Jeremiah the Magician's backstory The last part's a flag That just is now on the ground

One of the craziest magic tricks I've ever seen He pulled a bunch of cloth out of his sleeve Oh, it's not on the ground. He is magic. You have a button that says, I love pea soup. Did you get that from work, or is that just some weird button? It's a weird button. Just a hip thing.

It was in Solvang. They got this. Oh, Anderson's pea soup. It's a great idea. Any young up-and-coming comic, I tell them, have words on your body that people are reading instead of listening to your jokes. Yeah.

Before I let you go, Rob, I asked you if you were in love or anything. You said that you took a girl to your mom's house and she ended up making out with a dog. Did you end up doing anything with her? She just deep throat your dog's tongue and dip out after that? Yeah. Did you double team the dog? Did she lick your asshole? Oh, dude. Well, that's why I'm here on stage right now. Did she fully team the dog? Did she lick your asshole? Oh, dude.

Well, that's why I'm here on stage right now. Did she fully lick it? No, we didn't. She left you there with your mom? Yeah. Gave you a chance to maybe rip her cunt open again. You know what I mean? Hello. Wow.

Put your hands together for Rob Thompson, everybody. Thank you all. There he goes. His third, what did he say? Third time back doing stand-up again? All right. You guys having fun out there? Put your hands together for your next comedian pulled out of the bucket.

Goes by the name of Sarah Wren, everyone. Sarah Wren. Where's Sarah Wren? I'm not seeing any movement. Oh, here we go. Here she comes. Here she is, everybody. It's Sarah Rann.

Hey, I'm visiting from Canada. How about that? So I'm celebrating also. It's my one month-iversary of being sober right now. Thank you. Which is really great because I'm also three months pregnant. Don't worry, I'm not really pregnant, guys, anymore. Healthcare is free in Canada.

I always think it's really fun to do this at shows because I'm mixed and on a daily basis people ask me, what are you? So sometimes I like to pick someone out and maybe ask them. Maybe you sir in the front with the hat. What do I look like to you?

I'm on the clock, so come on. Say something, you fool. Latina? No, what I look like to you is out of your league. Wow, damn, just a hot diss at the end. Damn. You podcast listeners must think Sarah Wren is a 10 by what she just talked about and the swagger,

but that was very funny. You are a slutty little Canadian girl, huh? Thank you, thank you. She did pick a really ugly guy in the audience, so... In her defense. Some solid jokes, though. Solid jokes. Solid jokes all the way through. Good job. How about one more time for Sarah Wren?

Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing for eight months now. Eight months. And it seems like you actually know what needs to be done. That's good. That hasn't happened yet this evening. Eight months. And it seems like you actually know what needs to be done. That's good. That hasn't happened yet this evening. Thank you. What do you do for a living? I run

a marketing business, a firm. Like what do you market? Like Ralph's? Like basically basically any company that doesn't have like an in-house team, I just like provide the services remotely. How long have you been doing that for? Four years.

What did you do before that? Same sort of fields, like marketing, but I was just in a corporate office. Do you happen to have a card on you? Is this your card? Oh, I knew that was coming. Is this your card? You made a card appear and threw it into the audience, podcast listeners.

So, Sarah, you do that. So, like, you seem like the type of girl that has, like, that serious job. But then what? What do you do that's crazy? Like what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Oh, I party really hard. Like really hard. Can you give us an example

of some crazy things you've done while partying? I'm like kind of low-key and alcoholic. Uh-huh. Yeah. But I'm definitely like a crazy partier

and that's like when I work hard and then play hard and that's it. Do you like blackout? Yeah. Oh, great. That's hilarious. Yeah. One zip and she doesn't have a skirt on

anymore. That crazy zipper. Holy shit. Oh, wow. Oh! Okay, she's making my wand go from this to this. Damn, when you hit that cherry pie, she squatted down. I saw a little of her Canadian bacon

here that I'm talking about. And three Me Too accusations appeared. There's a little poutine running down her leg right now. What the fuck? Oh, man. All right, Brian.

Red Band, you're incorrigible. Old poutine leg is back. Are you really sober for three months? Is that true? No. No. Give us comedy. Can we get a couple shots?

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. All right, Brian. Very, very cool. Did you come here to do comedy? I mean, is that what you came here for? Yeah, yeah. So you're getting around and you're doing some of this and other shows. Is that the deal?

Yes, yeah. And you want to be a comedian? Yes. I've always wanted to. I just didn't think I was going to be funny enough. Well, you did pretty good. It was good, yeah. You're off to a good start.

Thank you. Thank you. What part of Canada do you live in? I'll never forget. Toronto. The moving words that Marc Maron told me after my set. It was pretty good.

I've never said that to you. Yes. Look who's cutting who in half now. So your answer was Toronto, Canada. Toronto, yeah. Born and raised? Yep, born and raised. Please disappear.

Oh, no, he's doing it. But that's not very magical. Just walk out. Hey, weirdo, come back. He'll come back. He'll come back. Toronto is a good city. It's a good comedy city. You getting on a lot there? Yeah, yeah.

Good, good. So do you want to hurt her feelings or what have we done here? Yeah, bring it. Sure, yeah. No, no, no, I'm good. I'm just wondering about you. I was just going to let it flow and see where it goes from here. What's the craziest thing that you've ever blacked out and woken up to?

How close to your face was it? The craziest thing. Okay, well, I'm like, I really, really like doing acid, and so it... Anyone who's done acid knows that usually the trips can last, you know, like 12 hours or like longer. So then you just like wake up and you have, if you include like you drink and you do other things,

then it's like you have 12 hours of like shit you're trying to like recollect of like what you have done. Yeah. I did acid 22 years ago and I'm still kind of trippy. Yeah. A little bit. That's fun, Sarah. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Yeah. So. I did acid 22 years ago and I'm still kind of trippy. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. That's fun, Sarah. Let me ask you a question.

What do you think is a difference between Canadian girls and American girls? If you had to look at it from your perspective. Great question. Very good. Very good. I guess. Come on. You can be honest.

Don't be afraid of the American girls. I know it's weird that I'm in stand-up, but I'm pretty shy as a person. But that must be why you take the acid and drink to blackout. You do look like you have to get back to a sexy library. So you're saying shyness? You think Canadian girls are a little more shy than American girls?

No. I mean, okay. With girls only, it's like, I think, the thing in Canada is that there's lots of really, really small towns. Let's do it this way. Let's pretend like you're not on a big live show. Let's pretend like you're talking to one of your Canadian girlfriends

on the phone, okay? I'll be the Canadian girlfriend. Okay. Oh, Sarah, so crazy. The data there. Oh, my God. I've been working the registers of the antique phones. You're Canadian and Asian? Yes.

All of our stuff is old and crazy up here. Oh, I'm so Canadian. Big fan of everything that's happening on the Kill Tony show. So, Sarah, what's been going on? All right. So, Sarah, you know what? I hate American girls. Tell me what you think.

Yeah, they're really dumb. Oh, there you go. That's how you get to find out the truth. Do you really feel that way? Maybe. She's so Canadian, she can't admit it. No, she's on stage in America. Why are you in town right now?

Are you here for vacation? I'm doing a few shows and then planning to go to Seattle, Portland, Vancouver. How long are you going to be in L.A. for? I've been here for a week to Seattle, Portland, Vancouver. How long are you going to be in LA for? I've been here for a week. Oh, Jesus, Brian. What's your schedule like, Brian? Exactly. Are you into dudes shaped like the bucket that I pull

names out of? Are you going to be here Friday? Maybe. He's going to put her on. He's going to give her a spot right now on the spot. Are you here Friday? I can be. Oh, what are you going to give her? That's nice. Are you going to be here Friday or no?

I haven't booked my flight to leave yet, so... Well, you just won Living with Red Dan. Now it just seems creepy if you don't invite her to do the show. You know that, right? Now it seems like you were just going to rape her or something. Friday. If you want to, Friday at the Ice House.

If you want to do a death squat show. Well, look at that. Dreams really do come true. Wow. From the Rice House to the Ice House. I'm in the Writer's Guild. And also, don't forget, Sarah, that we are in Toronto

September 25th through the 29th doing a Kill Tony in Toronto on September 28th. So we'll be where you're from. There she goes, everybody. It's Sarah Wren, her first ever appearance on Kill Tony. A few months into doing stand-up, she's on Twitter at Hello Sarah Wren.

S-A-R-A-W-R-E-N. Fuck yeah. That was fun. You should change your name, though, to Sarah Wren Hello. Because when people start to type your name, they're not going to start with hello. What are you talking about?

Wow. Just a little, you know, internet advice. What? Her Twitter name starts with hello. That's not a... For a comic, you want to start with your name and then put something else after. It's amazing advice.

No, you're right. That's why I wanted to see what you were talking about. Now I got it. I know, I'm glad you explained that because I thought, like, oh oh no, it's happening. I don't know what it is, but we all assumed it would happen eventually to Doug.

When is this fucking weed going to catch up to me? It's going to happen someday. Oh, hello, Sarah. I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for Chaz Chaz Chaz

is that movement? is that Chaz? it is Chaz? here we go it's Chaz everybody Chaz. Here we go. It's Chaz, everybody. Chaz. Hello. Hi.

Hey. Is anyone here going to amusement parks? Yeah, we all do, right? Last time I went to an amusement park. This is very embarrassing. I lost the kid that I was with. Very irresponsible, right? I know.

And it was. It was really scary. So I went up to the ride operator. He was like, don't worry, Chaz. It's going to be okay. We're going to find him. And next time, refrain from riding the roller coaster while pregnant. But don't worry, guys.

On the bright side, we did get our first family photo. But I didn't buy it because Junior's eyes were closed. Kids these days. Am I right? Am I right? Alright. Alright. Chaz Belew.

Hello. That was some top-notch morbid shit there. So many women lose babies on roller coasters. I don't think it's a funny subject. Is that true? I don't think it's true. I liked how the ride operator knew your name was Chaz. That was a roller coasters. I don't think it's a funny subject. Is that true? I know. I don't think it's true. I liked how the ride operator knew your name was Chaz.

That was an interesting development. So, Chaz, how long have you been in stand-up? Well, like seriously since April 4th. April 4th. How about half seriously? For like seven years. You've been dabbling for a long time. Yeah, yeah.

In and out. That was definitely a structured joke. It was morbid. But I kind of saw it coming, but you took it further than necessary. And that's because you're a professional. No, not really. He whispered miscarriage in my ear during the bit, and he's done that during every bit all night,

and he's finally right. Chaz, what do you... I didn't see the family picture coming, though. I mean, who could have, really? What do you do for work? I work at Yuck Yucks in Vancouver, Canada. Wow. Look at that.

Oh, so you see this shit all the time. Yeah, yeah. Like you live in it. I do, yeah. What do you do at the Yuck Yucks? I do the box office, and then during the day I take phone calls and talk to customers. Who's been the biggest asshole of a comic that you've had? This table excluded.

Who's the guy that plays Mr. D? Oh, Jerry D? Jerry D, yeah. Okay, well, that's enough. Sorry, guys. I don't know that one. I know Jerry. I'm not jumping to his defense.

How long have you been working at the box office at the Yuck Yucks? Well in Vancouver for two years I worked in Edmonton Yuck Yucks as well Edmonton I've been there I don't think I did the Yuck Yucks Is there another club there? Isn't there like one in a mall? Yeah that's the comic strip

Is it like the giant mall? Yep And you stay in a hotel that's the comic strip. Is it like the giant mall? Yep. And you stay in a hotel that's in the mall? Yep. And you just walk to the club from the hotel in the mall to the club in the mall? Wait a second. Holy fucking shit. It's Jeremiah Watkins.

Has he been there the whole time? That's unbelievable. What a crazy magic trick. I teleported you fools Really? Wow that's an incredible teleportation Oh wow That is incredible

My name is Chaz as well Chaz what's something interesting about you? What's a little fun fact that I think we would be all surprised to hear? I'm friends with Beetlejuice Is that true? No, I don't know I have two rabbits You have two rabbits? Did somebody say rabbits?

Oh shit Is your full name Chaz Tawnishing? Yes, it is. Well, you have pet rabbits? I do, yeah. I mean, I have cats, but do rabbits show any affection? They're rodents, right? They do, yep. They'll jump up to you.

They'll push their nose. That's a fun pet? You like it? Oh, yeah. Do you name them? Yep. What are their names? Actually, they don't have names. Wait a second. Wait a second. That is the history of Piltoni.

That might be the worst lie I've ever seen in my life. Are they rabbits or slaves? Let's keep my rabbits' identities out of this. They're private rabbits. We're trying to live a private life off social media. I don't even post pictures of my rabbits. I have two. Thumper and Buttercup.

I have two. Tillian and OC. Do they run around your place? Is there a little shit everywhere? No, they shit in they're shit trained. They have a what? They're shit trained. They have a what? They're shit trained. They shit out pellets

that you can eat. They have a little box a litter box trained. Are they indoor outdoor rabbits? No, they're strictly indoor. You can't just let them like, alright, see you later. Otherwise, like a wolf will come by and eat them. You have wolves in your neighborhood? No, but...

What about on Easter? Don't they like hiding eggs? Yes, and I love eating them, yes. Would you like a pet snake? Whoa! How long have you had all these rabbits for, Chaz? Five years. Five years you've had two rabbits

running around your place. Oh, they're old rabbits. Two rabbits for two years now. Seems like they'd be easy to step on once in a while. Oh, yeah. But I've been come home drunk, and I've never slipped on them or fell on them. How long do rabbits live?

As long as you want them to. Oh, that's how it works? When you're tired of a rabbit, they just die? I've lost interest. Are you Lenny from A Mice and Men? Yeah. Pretty, pretty, pretty rabbits. Man.

As long as you give them love, they live. Yes. Okay. I didn't know you could potty train rabbits, though. That's pretty bad. You can't. Oh, now he's going to get a rabbit. Man, that is some crazy stuff.

What made you want to get into the rabbit-having field? Is that a Canadian thing? Oh, it's because... Do you know the girl that was on before you, Sarah? No, but I want to. Toronto lady, where are you? Wow. Let's hang out after, man.

There's just two Canadian women back-to-back on this show. That's crazy. We have to build a wall or something like that. Canadian. Stop this. Hey, Red Band, don't you have dogs that look like rabbits? Yeah. Owls. They look like owls.

Alright, Chaz. Well, anything else that you think is interesting about you? Did you ever think about doing an act Owls. They look like owls. Alright, Chaz. Anything else that you think is interesting about you? Did you ever think about doing an act with your rabbit? Like not a magic act but just holding the rabbit up? What do you mean not a magic act, Marc Maron? You know exactly what I mean.

Whatever your name is. Chaz Stonishing. No, because they have giant teeth so I don't think so. No animal acts. You feed them carrots? Sometimes, yes. What else do you feed them?

I feed them dill, kale, what else? Bananas. Cheetos. Give them Cheetos. No. Kale, bananas, carrots. Carrots. Broccoli. Do you ever give them Twix? No. Kale, bananas, carrots. Carrots. Do you ever give them Twix?

No. You silly rabbit. Sarah, since you're Canadian, I am going to ask you the same question that I asked Sarah Wren. My question is, what do you think the major difference between Canadian girls and American girls is?

I haven't been in America that long and I haven't really talked to many American ladies yet. But all of our shit is what you guys watch on TV so what's the answer to my question? Your English is so bad. You see how they're so polite they can't even fucking do it? You know they hate you, right?

I think she's being very honest and you just want her to judge how women are in this country by what, the fucking bachelor? No, the women in this country, you've seen Riverdale. Yes. The fact that you're asking me if I don't like another lady,

to me, ladies should be all over ladies. All up in ladies. I agree. And that's not what I said. I didn't ask you what you not like about a man. Tony hates ladies. All right, about him. Tony hates ladies. Very good. Tony hates ladies.

The question was, is there a major difference? What do you think the major difference is, if you notice one between American and Canadian girls? Guy's doubling down on the question. Yep. Sometimes you have to. It's just a horrible question. It wasn't for Sarah Wren, who's naturally funny.

Put your hands together for Chaz Ballou, everyone. Yeah, I was mean in the end. You know why? Because I can be. Dumb question. And goodbye. For not being in America that long, her English was great.

Every single week on this show, we have a regular that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Put your hands together for him. It's the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet. Hell yeah. What's up, y'all? You can always tell when a nigga lying.

They put God in it. Hey, you seen my wallet? I swear to God I have it. Nigga, you don't even go to church. And when white people lose shit, they be calm about it. Oh, fuck my phone. You know what?

I have insurance. I just order a new one. When black people lose shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Attention, Walmart. If you got my motherfucking phone bring it here oh you blind

well you best to look today when Asians lose shit it's like we create this shit and white girls suck dick different than black girls cause white girls suck your dick look at you and swallow the shit black girls suck your dick, look at you, and swallow the shit.

Black girls that suck your dick, let you nut in the mouth, look at you, spit it on your stomach and say, thought I was that white girl, huh? Wow. Holy shit. Again and again and again and again, the great Malcolm Hatchett. Holy shit. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah is right. Is that true? Black women do that? Hell yeah. They spit it on your Jordans. That's rude. I want to know what horse you were riding in the Preakness. It looks like a horse riding shirt. I canness. It looks like a horse riding shirt. I can see why that could be a horse riding shirt.

It's a structure. But that was hilarious, dude. That's my first time. I haven't been on one. He's come on. Oh, really? I've heard about him, but I haven't seen one. Oh, that's right.

I haven't seen him do it. Mark, this is your first time seeing Malcolm Hatchett. Yeah, yeah. great job, man. It was good. It was good. I think, do you think it's consistent, the dick-sucking thing with black women and white women? Do you have anything that's across the board or just specific instances? White girls just go all the way with the shit, you know?

But they don't swallow. No, white girls swallow. All done. No, no girls swallow. All done. Yeah, no, no, that sounds a little shaky to me. It sounds like you don't have tasty cum, Mark Merritt. Who's cutting who in half now? Hell yeah. Malcolm, is that why you're eating all that candy?

You're damn right. Wow. You taste my cum, you'd probably be a diabetic. If you taste his cum, you're probably a diabetic. I eat a lot of candy. He eats a lot of candy. Malcolm candy. He eats a lot of candy. Malcolm Candy. Did you have any

crazy candy this week? Anything special? I bought a whole birthday cake, but I haven't ate it yet. You bought a fucking birthday cake? He knew someone was going to swallow it, so he ate a birthday cake. Nah, I haven't ate it yet. I'm going to eat it later. But I've been eating Hershey's and shit.

Wait, you bought a birthday cake at Ralph's or something? Hell yeah, Ralph's. My nigga knows. It's a Fourth of July cake. That shit look good. How many days ago? Yesterday, last night. What are you waiting for? Your fucking birthday? Yeah, nah, to eat it. Yeah, I know. How long are you going to wait?

I was just walking around like this. Ha ha ha. Wow. You're gonna eat it tonight? Oh, hell, I'm gonna fuck it up. Okay. You're gonna eat a birthday cake? Not the whole thing, but maybe, man. Maybe. Wow, I'm excited to see what happens.

I'm gonna put it on Snapchat. I don't know what you're doing, but that's not working at all. There's a live show going on. Diabetes song. Is it working? Or is it not? I've exposed the trick. So

Malcolm, life is good. You're still living in your car, right? Oh, I be crashing with friends. Okay, how's that going? Oh, it's cool. Sometimes I just go to the Planet Fitness and just chill. Yeah. It's getting crazy out there. Oh, they 24 hours?

Yeah. It's getting crazy out there, though. It's like, it's some crazy people, like, just sleeping out in their cars and shit. And I heard they be playing music, like, late. Yeah. And if they catch you, they suspend your membership. So I need my shit, so I, you know. Right.

I try not to approach, you know. Wait, wait. What's happening? Yeah, I try not to approach wait wait what's happening yeah I'm not following that so the people in the cars are playing yeah they be out playing their music and rolling dice at night time sorry Malcolm the last time Mark interviewed a black guy was the president

that's Joe Berg hell yeah that's not true Yeah, sure. That's Tollberg. Hell yeah. That's not true. Paul Rudd is on the latest episode. Lil Rel Howard. Last week. Lil Rel Howard last week. Whoa.

If you put it that way. Get out. Well. Well, Malcolm, you absolutely fucking did it again. Another amazing new minute. A lot of exciting stuff on the horizon with him. He'll be here next week with Jeff Garland and a special guest. Let's go back to the bucket, shall we?

Back to the bucket! Meet a new soul. All right. BTB. Put your hands together for Handren Seavell, or Seavey. A New Soul. All right. B-T-B. Put your hands together for Handren Seavell or Seavey. Handren Seavey. Handren Seavey.

I'm not seeing any movement. You guys? I'm not seeing it. Blacklist. All right. Put your hands together for, oh, we know this guy. He's been on before. Put your hands together for Levi Maness, everybody. Here we go.

Levi Maness. He's here. He's walking over to the stage. You guys still having fun or what? Make some fucking noise. It's Levi Maness. Levi Maness. I look like I jumped out of a Jumanji box.

I invented a new sex position for lesbians. It's called the safety scissor. And it's just like a regular scissor, except for eyewatch to make sure it's safe. Hell yeah, there you go, Levi Manning. 60 seconds, two jokes He goes full guitar solo lead singer

After each punchline Just head down, let the fucking hair do the talking For a while Stand up, so easy a caveman can do it No, he's doing a whole character thing That's his unique way of timing. There's not enough posing in comedy. You got the one-liner and then you just

deliver it with the drift. Yeah, it's very good. It's very rock and roll. You know how to play rock and roll? No, not at all. Yes, do you know how to play rock and roll? The whitest question ever asked on this show. Do you play rock and roll?

Oh, shit. Levi, you've been on the show a couple times before. Funny stuff always. Did we ever get that eHarmony account working? Yeah. I've been using it. Wow, look at that. We gave Levi. For those of you that don't know,

it's okay if we talk about it again, right? Yeah, totally. Levi Maness is a virgin, right? Yeah. Okay, still a virgin. Put your hands together for him. He's a real life virgin, everybody. I know still a virgin. Put your hands together for him. He's a real-life virgin, everybody. I know. One second.

I love the look when I look out in the crowd. It's a bunch of people looking like, I don't believe that he's a virgin. Like, they all think you're lying, Levi. No, it's true. And on this show, you might remember a few months ago, Levi got pulled out of the bucket, and we found out after we found out that he was a virgin that he had never kissed a girl before.

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the great Jen Murphy walked up here and stuck her tongue right down the back of his throat. Placed him crazy. It was the first ever first kiss in Kill Tony history. Have you talked to her since then? Have you, like, DM'd her and tried to get something? I bumped into her a couple of times, you know. She's really nice. From behind? Bumped into her.

You safety scissor. I thought you were leading up to so tonight someone from this audience is going to fuck him. No takers? Very easily could happen. Who knows what's possible. You had some great poses.

So we hooked you up with an eHarmony account. How's that going for you? I've been trying, but nobody wants to talk to me on it. Right, well, it does seem like... What's your profile picture, though? Is it you? Is it you? If so, that's the problem.

Load in a new picture. Just catfish the shit out of these motherfuckers. I'm not a good liar, which is probably why I'm not getting talked to. No, no, no. It's your profile picture. Don't get it twisted. Okay, for starters, for profession on there, you should say Viggo Mortensen's stand-in. I think that

could get you laid, because he's handsome, but also scary. Location, Spahn Ranch. It's where Charles Manson lived, you idiots. You fucking idiots. They're idiots,

because you made a 50-year-old reference. Yeah, you're welcome, Mark. You're welcome. Oh, yeah. Not that old. Now, would you ever get like a queer eye? At least I got it. Salon guy, like get your hair cut.

Have you ever thought about getting a makeover so that you look less like the fifth guy to the right on the evolutionary chart? Is it exciting to be one of the evolutionary chart. Is it exciting we wanted the surviving Allman brothers? Well, I feel like I'm in too deep now with the beard and the hair if I wanted to change it. In too deep in what, mud? What do you mean in too deep?

I don't know, it's just like when... How long has it been, man, with the hair and the beard? I've had long hair since most of our growing up, and I've had this beard for like four years. So now you can't get out? Is that what you're saying? You just can't get out? Well, I mean, I feel like I'd be losing something

when it comes to my presence in stand-up. Really? You think it's all about the hair and the beard for you? I feel like it helps a little bit. To be seen as sort of like... Mark, everybody loves a comedian that looks like he's hitchhiking a ride home at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride.

I get it's a character decision, but the guy needs to get laid at some point. How old are you? 26. Yeah, man. You're young for that look. You could are you? 26. Yeah, man. You gotta get this. You're young for that look. You could always go back to that look, too.

Yeah, you could give up this young wizard look for a while. Well, it's hard. When he gets rejected, he doesn't just get rejected. He gets devils rejected. Wow. Just for now, get a haircut and pretend that you graduated from Hogwarts. And you're no longer the guy.

Who's that guy? It doesn't matter. Levi, remind me again. What do you do for work? I don't have a job down here in LA, but I go back up to Seattle and work security. You go up to Seattle just to be a security guard? He just stands in front of the building. Well, no, I work in music venues,

so I like seeing young life music. You're a security guard at a music venue? Four of them. So what happens when a fight breaks out? I go in there and take care of it. People don't think you're just starting a mosh pit? He's like, stop it or I'll put a hex on you Wait do you know how to kick ass?

I haven't been in that position yet As a bouncer you've never been in a position It's all counting crews I'm just guy de-escalating situations Oh he's the guy that goes be nice I'm the hippie dude Let's cool out you guys Be nice until you don't have to be nice

And then you kind of lean in You're like be cool And they're like what the fuck is he doing I don't know let's wait and see what he has to say next They don't hit each other All the All the top security guys in the business Have plenty of hair for people to grab

It really comes in handy when you're dealing with security. Just grab their fucking hair. That has happened. It pissed me off. It has happened, I'm sure. It looks like the shampoo you use is Pantene Amateur V.

I think we just caught the Midnight Rider. That was for Mark. You're totally against getting any kind of haircut. I don't know what you're talking about. I know a great guy that could cut your hair. He's fantastic. This guy named Sam. It's only like $20.

Wow. Brian knows a normal barber, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. That's incredible. Levi, let me ask you something. You said you're in too deep already. Does that basically mean... How old are you again?

26. Wow, you don't look a day over 53. It's incredible. You're 26 years old and you're saying you're in too deep. What do you think is going to happen? You're just going to look like that forever? Just let it go? I haven't had any plans on changing it yet.

Just go with the flow of it. It's his bit, man. You know what I mean? I love it. If that's where your heart leads you, then so be it. And forever you will never get a date. I can't believe you can't get laid in Portland. I haven't been out there enough.

I thought you said you work up there sometimes. No, Seattle. No, of course. You'll never get away in Seattle. His comedy is grunger rated. Underrated, but with grunge at the front. Listen.

Grunger rated? We probably shouldn't keep him because his hair keeps growing. Yeah. He's getting deeper and deeper as we talk to him Alright, there he goes, Levi Maness Somebody fuck him What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time?

One more time One more bucket Okay, let's see what happens here An uninterrupted 60 seconds is going to go to One more bucket. Okay, let's see what happens here. An uninterrupted 60 seconds is going to go to Tatenda Mbazi. That is Tatenda Mbazi. Mbazi. Tatenda. Tatenda.

Come on, everybody. Last comedian of the night. Make some noise for Tatenda. Come on, everybody. Last comedian of the night. Make some noise for Tatenda. It's good to be in America. I'm wearing glasses because it's bright in here. All the lights and all of the white people. That was a pretty good pronunciation of my name, man. Very good.

The worst I ever heard was some lady called me Nintendo. I looked at her and I said, no, my name is not Nintendo. But I am fun to play with. I have a large joystick. There's a coin slot in the back. If I'm not working, you may blow up on my cartridge. Say, is this your wife? You have only one?

Isn't that a bit gay? Where I am from, real men have at least four wives. Isn't that a bit gay? Well, I am from real man have at least four wives. Tatenda, everybody. And how do you pronounce that last name? Budzi. What does that mean? Budzi. Oh, you're a funny one

I love this I want to trade your teeth in for some ivory I bet you do Wow, give it up for Michael Haxson Tatenda, how's it going? Do your real voice How you going, mate? He just starts clicking.

I don't give a fuck. Do you always do that character when you go on stage? Sometimes. I do a bunch of characters. I like to open the character just to throw people off. What's this character, Idris Elba? English accent. I just shit my pants.

Congratulations. No, this is just me. Where are you from? Zimbabwe, originally. How long have you been here? I've been here, I guess, three months. But I went to college out here. So I was in the U.S. for eight years, a while back.

And where did you go to college? Ithaca College and then UCLA, grad school. What did you study? Film. I have two film degrees, so grad school. What did you study? Film. So I have two film degrees. So I just wasted a bunch of money, basically. Look at that. Yeah, well, you're like looking around going,

they call this the University of Caucasian, the Lost Amongst Asians. Where do I fit in? Could you repeat that? I don't think I could. All right, moving on. All right. So you want to make movies? I mean, you didn't waste it. Yeah, no, I don't think I could. Alright, moving on. Alright. So you want to make movies? I mean, you didn't waste it.

No, I didn't. I want to make movies. I made a movie in Zimbabwe. It took three years. It's called Zim Hai. It's the first African teen movie ever that isn't about AIDS and Ebola. Wow, first African teen movie ever. Is that teen movies that are about

AIDS and Ebola? Well, yeah. I guess there's a lot of... Is it a teen movie ever. Oh, most of the African teen movies are about AIDS and Ebola? Well, yeah. I guess there's a lot of... Did you say, wait, teen movie? Teen. So you did the African Pretty in Pink or the African... Well, it's like the African Mean Girls except with, like, violent mean boys.

So it's like American Pie but without, like, the pie? Yeah, it's more like the Hunger Games but with lots of hunger. Right, yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't want to quibble with you, but there was a lot of hunger in the Hunger Games.

So you're saying you ramped up the hunger. I think they might be hungrier in Zimbabwe. Yeah, I guess you just got to watch it and find out. How old were you when you moved out of Zimbabwe? I was 18, so I came here for college Do you ever get to go black to visit? Black?

You heard him right I'm always going black to visit I was there for three years working on the film Where can you see the movie? At the moment it's not got distribution yet so trying to talk to a sales company to get in places You know what, Tatenda?

I know a guy that's in film finance that... Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. Are you talking about Jesus? Maybe Jesus can help me get my film out. Everyone wants him to help. Jesus helps all of us. Yeah. How long have you been doing the comedy thing? I've been doing it like seven years.

Like eight years and more focused in the past four and a half years. And I've been to Vancouver as well. I spent some time in Vancouver. Your movie should fly off the shelves. Oh, my God. Brian, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Just because they have a lot of flies in Zimbabwe?

Come on. Oh, stop it. Actually, we don't have that many flies. We have more mosquitoes. Hell, yeah. Look at that. Oh, stop it. Actually, we don't have that many flies. We have more mosquitoes. Hell yeah. Look at that. Oh, and they're not worse. I would take a mosquito over a fly because you can kill a mosquito pretty quickly.

But mosquitoes can kill you. You can't kill flies? Jesus Christ. You're spitting all over everything. Jesus. That was the most passionate I've seen him in years. Tatendo, what do you like to do for fun? Stand up.

I like to draw. I illustrate. Really? What do you draw? What do you like to draw? Pictures of people. I draw people. When I was in New York,

I would draw people on the train. I'm trying to make a comic book before I die. How long do you have? I don't know. What's the prognosis? Well, the life expectancy where I'm from is really short. Is that true? Yeah.

I had my midlife crisis when I was 15. Wow. Look at that. Oh. So wait. Do you do all characters? Is it all like an evening of characters? What do you do?

I do. So I do characters, and then I do some regular stand-up and mixing. How many characters you got? Can you give us an example of one of your other characters? Yeah. I do some regular stand-up and mixing. How many characters you got? Yeah, can you give us an example of one of your other characters? Yeah, I'll give you a quick example. You just did Zimbabwe guy? Is that who that was? Oh, what the fuck is happening?

Hold on. Okay. Here he is. He's putting on a mask, for those of you listening. Yes. It's a surgical mask. Hey there, just your regular old Mortal Kombat character, Scorpion, trying some stand-up.

I'm not that good at this. I'm better with blood. Hey, any guys in the audience going through a breakup? Anyone? Sir? Yeah? You want some advice from your old buddy, Scorpion? Get over her! Get over her! Get over her! Sir? Yeah? You want some advice from your old buddy Scorpion?

Get over her! Get over her! Get over her! Get over her! Wow. I think that was a good bit. I don't understand it, but I think it was good. I got it. And there was about at least 33 other people in the entire room that got it.

Some of them on niche. It's a character from Mortal Kombat. It's a video game too. He's famous for the last 20 years. He's only ever said one thing and it's get over here. Once he said I'm Black Scorpion or whatever, we all knew

that that's where it was going to end up. Sure enough. I was clearly too old for that joke. Did you know the sequel to Get Out is called Get Over Here? I can't wait. That sounds like a movie that you would like. I think I would. It sounds creepy.

I would love it. People ever racist to you, Tatenda? Oh, all the time. Actually, this one time in New York, this Russian guy actually was like, he was just yelling at me. He was like, nigger, nigger, why you come to this country? And I was like, well, didn't you have to come to this country too? I don't know. So there's sometimes random stuff like that will happen.

How did that end, that exchange? This random white guy kind of got in his line of vision. And then he stopped looking at me and then I tried to ignore him and look at my phone and he was like, Neger, who are you going to call, Neger? And I thought, well, I don't know, maybe the Ghostbusters or something, I don't know.

And then he tried to get in my face and yell at me. I'm just glad he didn't spit on me. That's all. What would you have done if he spit on you? I don't know, I couldn't tell you. I wanted to have that triumphant ending. I don't know. Maybe I would have unleashed the Black Panther or something stupid

like that. I don't know. That was bad. You didn't call him any names back? You didn't call him a dirty fucking Russian? No. I don't want to aggravate him, but I don't want to run away because once you run, people are like, oh, he's running. I got him. He was already coming towards me, because I was like, I don't aggravate him, but I don't want to run away, because once you run, people kind of like, oh, he's running, I got him, and he was already coming towards me, so I just kind of stood there. Yeah, you watch too many gazelle videos. I know, you got to stand

still. If you run, yeah. Tatenda, any other hobbies or anything else that you're into other than stand-up? What else do I do? I mean, film, acting, drawing, I write. What else do I do? I don't know. What's your favorite type of girl to hook up with? I prefer human. There you go.

Well, no. I mean, I don't have a preference. You don't have a preference at all at all? I mean, someone I'm attracted to, I mean, I don't have a preference. I mean, I guess... You don't have a preference at all at all? I mean, someone I'm attracted to, I guess, would be preferable. Wow, look at you. Fucking educated love master over here. I like you, man. You need to put out a personal ad.

I'm looking for a human. That's about it. Who likes me. So if you love that I'm looking for a human, we're good. I love that. Well, Tatenda, it was fun meeting you. Boy, it's a strong closer. Thank you.

Thank you for having me. There you go. Tatenda Mabetsi. Mabetsi. There he goes. Next week, well, let's make some noise for Doug Benson, everybody. Doug loves movies. Getting Doug with eyes in Columbus this Friday, July 6th,

and Cincinnati on 7-7, 18 this Saturday. Streaming now on Netflix, season two of GLOW. Mark Maron, everybody, the WTF podcast. An amazing show. A brand new drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Oh, that's beautiful. That's good. Yeah brand new drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Oh, that's beautiful. That's good. Yeah, I love this show, Glo.

Like one of the comedians mentioned earlier, I'm a big pro wrestling fan. I'm a big comedy store guy, and it was a real pleasure to have you on this show again tonight, Mark. The great Mark Maron, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. That crazy magician's a real human being. Plays different characters every week.

He has a great new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. I've done a couple episodes. It's a lot of fun. He plays a lot of characters and does a lot of fun stuff on that. Anything else, Jeremiah? Follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Stand Up, and look out for me on the road with Kill Tony later this fall. Ooh, ta-da. Jeremiah stand up and look out for me on the road with Kill Tony later this fall. Make some noise for

Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez, everyone. He's on Twitter and Instagram at MostlySorry. Anything else, Joel? I just want to know if me and Mark are good. Are we good? Fuck yeah. Yeah, we're fucking good. Wait, say no and then he'll have you on his podcast later.

No, I won't. Start a feud with Mark he'll have you on his podcast later. No, I won't. Start a feud with Mark Merritt and get on his podcast. Don't forget Montreal, Just for Laughs, Toronto, Just for Laughs, Nashville, Detroit with Danny Brown, Grand Rapids, Lansing, Nashville, Fort Wayne, and Cleveland. You're all getting your own kill, Tony, in the next couple few months. And that's pretty much it. Go to 4hims.com and Get a t-shirt in the lobby.

That's right. Brand new Kill Tony shirts available now. You saw the first guy wear it. Why don't you get one for yourself? Maybe it's not really a ringing endorsement because that guy bombed pretty hard. He's still here. There he goes. That's really sad. Alright. goes. Oh, that's really sad. All right.

There you go. It wasn't the shirt's fault. But that is true. Good point, Joel. It wasn't the shirt's fault. Thank you so much, live audience. We love you. Good night. See you on the road. She'll only come by tonight Being hungry tired Nothing new

I've seen her here before Watching a wedding time. Nothing is new. I've seen her here before. Watching a wedding. She's sitting with you, but her eyes are on the door.