KILL TONY - KILL TONY #278

Episode Date: July 21, 2018

Tom Rhodes, Moshe Kasher, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/16/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey guys, it's Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes, videos, and audios.

All of them are here. If you want to look for a specific person or there's just a search bar. Search in Joe Rogan. You can see all the episodes of Kill Tony where Joe Rogan's in. So go to DeathSquad.tv for all that. And if you want to see us live, we go to the Comedy Store. Every Monday we have a show, 8 o'clock. We do it in the main room.

That's the main Kill Tony show. But we also go on the road all the time. And, man, the next two months we're on the road like every week. This weekend we're in Montreal at July 25th. August 1st we're in Cleveland. August 3rd we're in Cincinnati. August 4th, my birthday, we'll be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. What a great place to spend your birthday.

Also, August 12th, we're in Nashville. September 20th, we're in Lansing, Michigan. September 21st, we're in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And September 22nd, we're in Detroit, Michigan. Man, we are just going everywhere in Michigan. And then September

28th, Toronto. All these dates and all the links for all the tickets can be found at DeathSquad.tv. Just click on Tour Dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. The new Kill Tony 5-Year Anniversary poster is available now.

Go to his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And of course, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find everything Golden Pony. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find everything Golden Pony. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. And if you want a Kill Tony shirt,

the first one sold out, I believe. There might be a few left. But the new one is available right now. All you have to do is go to ShopSquad.tv and there you get the new Kill Tony shirt. You also have all the official Death Squad merchandise, including mugs and hats and shirts. That's shopsquad.tv.

All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchback! Hey, everybody. Welcome. Good evening. Are you guys excited at all? It's all right.

It seems sort of mellow. This stoned Hawaiian guy doesn't give a fuck, obviously. Everybody, you're at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise. Come on. Brian Redband is here. Hey. We just all flew back in from New York City today.

The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here, everybody. Look at that. Drawing tonight's episode. I just got my new five-year anniversary Kill Tony poster framed. I'm excited about life. We're back from New York City. Had an amazing weekend at Skank Fest. Had an amazing Kill Tony poster framed. I'm excited about life. We're back from New York City. Had an amazing weekend at Skank Fest. Had an amazing Kill Tony.

And I'm excited about life. I'm excited to be here with the newly injured Brian Redman. He hurt his knee over the weekend while I sang System of a Down Toxicity. Brian thought maybe he could get a good video clip by going near the second row of a System of a Down song and getting some video footage. Guess what happened next? He got knocked over by a human being.

Yeah, he stage-dived and landed right on my kneecap. Only Red Band didn't see that coming. So he has a busted knee. So make some noise for Red Band. Here see that coming. So he has a busted knee. So make some noise for Red Band here. Thanks. Somehow, even with a knee injury, he's able to put it all together to sit behind a couple monitors and hit buttons.

By the way, going through the airport in a wheelchair is the best move, by the way. That is great. Yeah. I know. I hitched a ride right alongside of you. That was great. No, yeah. I know. I hitched a ride right along the side of you. It was fun. Anyway, we did a Kill Tony in New York yesterday, and we're doing

one every single Monday here at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles indefinitely forever. And also, next Wednesday in Montreal, July 25th at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival at the Plaza del Arts. And then August 1st in Cleveland, July 25th at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival at the Plaza del Arts. And then August 1st in Cleveland,

Ohio, we do stand-up all the Kill Tony people on the second in Cleveland at Hilarities. Oh, you want to do a breaking news? I don't even think I got to tell you about this one. They filled in that date in between Cleveland and Fort Wayne. A lot of people are

wondering who's going to get it. On the 3rd of August, it will be for the first time ever, Cincinnati, Ohio getting their first ever Kill Tony followed by a stand-up comedy show. And then we do Kill Tony the next day in Fort Wayne, Indiana. And then the next week, we

do stand-up in Lexington, Kentucky. And then we travel to Nashville the next day, August 12th, Nashville, Tennessee, which is looking to be a fully loaded stocked Kill Tony show. I think we're going to sort of overcompensate for having to reschedule that date.

A lot of rumors of some exciting stuff happening there. And then in September, we do Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan with Danny Brown, and, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan with Danny Brown. And then the next week, Toronto, Canada gets its second ever live Kill Tony, another theater there in Toronto. So for you people listening around the world, why don't you come see the show live since you've been getting it for free forever. Spend 20 fucking of your hard-earned dollars.

Stop being a cheap ass. And come see a live show. Pretty exciting, right? But you guys are here live in the home of it all. Your guys' seats suck. I would move if I was you. You're all the way over there. You're going to be hidden by the band in a second.

You're not going to be able to see anything. You're not supposed to be seated there. It takes four door guys to not do this job correctly. It's incredible how terrible they are. You know, I was a door and not a lot of people know this, but I was a door guy here for four years and I had an extremely high attention to detail every night while working here. And that spread into all the jobs that I've gotten since then. All the continuous work in the writer's Guild, stand-up, the live podcast, everything is an extension of my natural work ethic. Wow, move that girl to the front row.

There you go. Make some noise for Rich Slayton, everybody. He did it. He knows how to take a hint. Look at that. Killing it. Rich does his live podcast here once a month. It's, what is it?

Crime. Crime, everybody. Him and the great John Tomaszewski. I'm a big fan of their work. He does a good job. Yeah, he does a good job. That's why I just gave his podcast a shout out. That's like my I love you. And it's important to hire good people.

The Comedy Store has a real knack for doing that. Some other great people that have worked here, David Letterman, Jim Carrey worked here for six years. Almost nobody knows that as a door guy. Hiring is a challenging thing. But there's one place you can go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. A place where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates. That place is ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. With their powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. As applications come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and spotlights the top candidates so you never miss a great match.

ZipRecruiter is so effective that 80% of employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate through the site within just one day. That's 24 hours. Within the first day. Wow. With results like that, it's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is the highest rated hiring site in America. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Yeah. You guys ready to start this show or what? Every single week, I give you two of the greatest comedians in the world. This week is absolutely no different. We have a first-time guest and the return of one of our favorite guests on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Moshe Kesher and Tom Rhodes. Come on.

Here we are. Yeah. Tom motherfucking Rhodes. Moshe Kasher is in the house. Welcome, gentlemen. How you doing? Hey, Tony. Great. Good to have you guys here.

I'm excited about this. Tom, this is your first time on the show? Yeah, I'm excited. Welcome, welcome. I'm pumped about this. Tom is one of my favorite comedians, a great guy to watch here at the Comedy Store. Monster Moshe, welcome back. Thank you very much. Nice to be here. Tony, thank you for having me.

How's dad life? How's it going? It's good. It's good. We got a little ass baby. Do you have a lot of new dad material? Oh yeah, man. Things are wacky at the house. I got to tell you, things change when you have kids. Yes, they do. And speaking of a bunch of children, we have a band on this show, and they are very wacky themselves. Every single week they commit to being different characters.

You never know what they're going to be. Maybe they're police officers one week, maybe mechanics. One week they were Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband. You never know what's going to happen. They're the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. What is it going to be tonight?

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Oh, definitely doctors. No doubt about this one. All right. That's good on that. I don't know what Rihanna has to do with them being doctors.

SOS please, someone help me, Tony. Wow. This is not how I was expecting Michael Richards return to the stage to go. But, welcome. Joke needs some work. Oh!

Man, that one stung. We got Chroma Chris over there as some type of dental assistant. And clearly back here we have some type of Mexican Oompa Loompa. Yeah. Are you a nurse? Yes. I don't know what's going on. No, I'm a Mexican emo Phillips.

Welcome back to Gay's Anatomy, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not proud of that joke, but it's the only thing that was rippling through my brain and had to come out. We're pretty much dialed in at this point. Doctor, are you ready for this? I'm actually a nurse, so it's not a big deal, but I will be a doctor soon. Oh, okay, so you're all nurses. Alright. Wait, that's how it works? You go to nursing school and then you become a doctor afterwards?

Yeah, Mr. Kesher, yeah. Oh, you know my work. Unfortunately. Well, this isn't even the show. I feel like I could hang out with these nurses and two comedians all day, but I have a bucket filled with comedians' names here. They signed up for the hour before the show.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stage time, and then you get interviewed and talked to by me and my amazing guests in the band. You get 60 seconds, though, at first. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Seems furious tonight. I don't think

he likes it when we do shows on the road. You guys ready to start this thing, or what? It's Kill Tony live at the Comedy Store. Anything can happen. Seems like a pretty mellow crowd. Seems like everybody had a hard day at the office today, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody actually answered that. Very good. Proving I'm right. All right. I'm excited about this. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for your first comedian. He goes by the name of Raphael DiCamargo.

DiCamargo. Here he comes. Here comes Rafael, everyone. Clap one more time for Rafael, everybody. So when I was born, my mom was uncomfortable with the doctors touching me, so I wasn't circumcised. And then I moved to the United States from Brazil, and I went to see my doctor. He was like, so I wasn't circumcised. And then I moved to

the United States from Brazil, and I went to see my doctor. He's like, it'd probably be a good idea. So my mom had a change of heart, and I was circumcised at the age of eight years old. Yeah, it was a real hoot. It was a good time. As I'm being wheeled into surgery, the nurse wanted to be comforting with me, so she threw an object into the stretcher with me. She threw a Furby next to me. Remember those pre-German 90s dolls that go ha ha ha and gyrate and shit? Well, I'm being black, like right before I black out, the last thing I see is ha ha ha. I wake up, my whole family has flown out to see me, and every 45 minutes when the doctor would come up and like check on my dick, my grandma would be like, which in Portuguese that means the turtle has left its shell. I guess so.

I guess if you just want to look at me before your time's up and assume that I'm going to save you, you can do that if you want, Rafael. Thank you, Tony. I appreciate it. That's a good closer, though. He's got to come on the road with you if you ever want to do that. Yeah, that was incredible. I have no idea what you talked about.

Do you remember your circumcision? Is that what that was? Yeah. How old were you when that happened? I was eight. You were eight years old. I thought you could say, but because I'm Brazilian, they took everything off down there.

Something like that. Like a little Brazilian. Thank you. No laughter, but a couple of applause. That's what you want. And then at the end, you look at Tony. That's comedy, baby. All right.

Welcome to the big time. Thank you. Why didn't you focus on the pain of being circumcised at eight years old? I think pain is funny, and we love... Yeah, it was brutal. But every time I've talked about it on stage, it's just not going over well, like the painful aspects of it.

But it's a true story? It's a true story, yeah. I'm actually the nurse that did it. It's nice to see you. Do they do everybody that late? Is that a Brazilian thing? No. My mom just told me she was uncomfortable with it

when I was born. So when I went to the doctor when I was eight, she was like, I felt better about it. So we had it done. How much time was your mom spending with your dick at eight years old? She was uncomfortable with it. No, when I was born, when I was a baby, like when I was first born. She didn't want you to touch that. She didn't want them to touch me at all.

No, he got it. He just wanted to do the bit about touching your dick. He's like, no, I don't think you understand, Tom. The Brazilian thing. No, he got it. He just wanted to do the bit about touching your dick. He's like, no, I don't think you understand, Tom. The Brazilian thing. I'm a Brazilian person. How long have you been

doing stand-up? Seven months. Seven months. Wow, that's about the age in which most people get their dick circumcised. So were you awake when it was happening?

Were they like shaping it off like Fuga the Chow? I love that place. No, they put me under. So did you save the foreskin? Nope. I don't know if that was an option. Could I have done that?

Really? No, if you had, you would have been good. Oh, I feel gypped now. Nurse Jeremiah Watkins. Yeah, so you're in the third trimester of stand-up. You're going to want to do a lot more open mics. You're going to want to rinse and repeat, and you're going to want to keep doing that until uh you

know it heals until a punchline thank you wait did you say that every time you talk about your circumcision it doesn't go over well no when i talk about how painful it was and like that part of the process it usually so i try to keep it a little bit silly so people will go along with it so was that just to distract you or were you lying? They threw the Furby and they were like, count backwards from 10. And I was just looking right in its eyes. And I was like, 10, 9, 8, and I passed out. It freaked me out. It was scary.

Oh, when they gave you the anesthetic. That's what happened. I see. It would have been cool if you had been awake and staring into Furby's eyes as your dick got cut. And then the Furby's like, you know, this is Judaism or whatever. How old were you when you moved to America? I was four years

old. You were four. So you had your circumcision here. Four skin and seven years ago. So you were here in America when this actually happened. Yeah. Right. So, okay. And where did your parents move to when you were four? We moved to Waco, Texas. Ah, classic Brazilian. Just, okay. And where did your parents move to when you were four? We moved to Waco, Texas.

Ah, classic Brazilian. Just like Brazil. Yeah, Brazilian hotspot of Waco. They got a good salsa scene down there in Waco? No. I think we were the only Brazilians in that town. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I live in Orange County, but I've been out here since 2008. 2008. What do you do for work?

I work as a server at a comedy club in Huntington Beach called The Rec Room. How long have you been doing that for? Three months now. Three months now. Look at that. What comedy club? The Rec Room. Oh, it's called The Rec Room. It's like we can't even listen to you while we're talking to you.

Tony, we're gonna have to check your ears. This whole interview has been like, so have you ever been circumcised at all? Did you move from another country? Where are you from again? Anyway, Raphael,

what do you do when you're not doing stand-up? I mostly drink. What's your drink of choice? Maker's Mark. Neat. Usually a double. How many times a week are you doing this? Every night.

Wow. Seems like you're just getting by on the skin of your dick. It doesn't really make sense. It sounds like it does, but it doesn't. Actually, Tony, it checks out. Really? Wow. I don't know. I can't figure this room out tonight so far.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done while getting drunk on Maker's Mark? For those of you that aren't heavy drinkers, I can tell you that Maker's Mark is one of the types of liquor that tends to get people more fired up than others. It's like an angrier Jack Daniels.

I don't think I do anything crazy. I just get really giggly and then pass out. Alright. Wow, you're a fucking amazing interview. This audience was pronounced dead at 8.30. Wow. Well, Rafael, that's interesting.

Anything else super Brazilian about you? Anything that you think is in your genetics that is booty? My name is Rafael Guagliardi Carvalho de Camargo. Anything else super Brazilian about you? Anything that you think is in your genetics? His booty. My name is Rafael Guagliardi Carvalho de Camargo. Jesus Christ. That's longer than the piece of foreskin they cut off. God.

All right, Rafael. Are you into soccer and all that, like all Brazilians? Only when the World Cup comes around. All right, you know what? Quit comedy, man. Are you into soccer and all that, like all Brazilians? Only when the World Cup comes around. All right, you know what? Quit comedy, man. You're out. No, you're a good person. Yeah, you're a good person.

I love that you did admit it, in which you admitted afterwards in the interview portion it really never works. You never really, and it really didn't tonight. But the turtle shell thing, you know, it's adorable. Oh, thank you. If you say cute words that sound funny at the right time, it works. I mean, there's people I know that have full-blown careers off shit like that. Anyway, maybe you'll get better at it too.

Thank you for the advice. Indeed. I could see you, you know, be working at a lot of comedy clubs as a server one day so congratulations to you there he goes his first time on Kill Tony Raphael D Camargo sometimes you gotta show people some tough love

you know he's seven months in we're trying to strengthen him sometimes you gotta break some bones so that they grow back stronger. Everybody's just looking at me like I'm mean right now. Okay, very good. I guess I'm just mean to the first guy. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Keaton McClown.

Keaton McClown. Keaton, if your first name is Keaton and you have bad handwriting, then I just pulled you out of the bucket. Sometimes when they have bad handwriting and I I just pulled you out of the bucket. Blacklisting. Sometimes when they have bad handwriting and I don't say their name right,

they just decide to not come up at all. Keaton McCaw. Put your hands together for Mike Brockie. Mike Brockie. Here he comes. Movement. He's running. I like a guy that's here.

You know, he's on a mission. He's got a steady jog mike brocky ladies and gentlemen hey guys just gonna talk about a couple things i hate uh i hate uh public displays of affection makes me really uncomfortable all right i had this couple uh they were making out right next to me like i wasn't even there Really made me angry so I did my secret weapon You guys can do this too I pretended to be really really into it Alright

Yeah I just looked at them while they were making out I'm like you guys look so sexy I love to watch That's my thing They stopped immediately folks It was great It works just pretend to like it.

That's how I got my dad to stop spanking me, all right? It works. Yeah, because you can punish a kid by smacking him, but if he yells harder, you're going to stop, all right? You're definitely, you're definitely going to stop. Me and my dad don't talk anymore but that's alright okay thank you fuck yeah Mike Brocky there we go that was great

Mike you've been on this show before right yes I did the belly room one time yeah and this went better than last time am I correct no I crushed it that time, too. Wow, look at you. Wow, what a fucking ego on this guy. Tony, this guy's confidence is off the charts.

Fuck yeah. It was a nice progression, Mike. You could keep going with that, with things that just acting like you're into it. Like your dad spanking you, and you moaning and licking your lips. Yeah, okay. Yeah, you bite your bottom lip. Yeah, I also thought of a little tag for you if're into it. Like your dad spanking you and you moaning and licking your lips. Bite your bottom lip.

I also thought of a little tag for you if you want it. You and your dad don't talk anymore. We fuck. Or we sexed. Maybe. Or we fuck. Don't punch up that which has already been punched up. You got a huge pop in the room. As a man that has undeserved confidence, much like you, I would say go with that.

No, but it was funny. That harder line, that's about as funny an image as I have. I mean, that was very funny to me. Thank you. Harder, father. I really like that. What's your dad like? For those of you listening to the podcast, Mike has has a hipster lumberjack sort of build to him.

You have a tough dad? No, he's a tiny little Polish guy. I'm actually going to see him in a few weeks. He lives in the Philippines. A Polish guy in the Philippines. Yeah, I think he fled America because he was in debt. I'm not sure. My co-workers are from there, actually.

My co-workers are from there, actually. What does he do for work? I think he just retired. How do you think he got in so much debt that he would flee to the Philippines? Well, we were never in good shape financially growing up. I was actually homeless for a little bit. Really? You have brothers and sisters?

Yeah, I got one brother and then two. My dad had another family. Two half-brothers and a half-sister. Right. So was the other family homeless too? No, no. He left them. A lap of luxury, Tony.

Was the other family Filipino? No. Okay, I just thought he moved with them. As for the hookers. I was in the Philippines a few months ago, so is your father a pedophile or is he into midget boxing? Why can't it be both, Tom? Why can't it be both?

What was it like when you guys were homeless? Were you guys literally on the streets? It was kind of cool. It was like camping. I was in second grade. Were you on the streets? No, we were in a campground. You were really in a campground?

Yeah, like a tent. A tent. Yeah. For how long? Six months. Wow. What was your diet like during that time? Probably better than now.

Where was the campground? It was Fish Lake Campground in Illinois. Vernon, no, not, yeah, maybe Vernon Hills. Sounds super lovely. It's a great place if you guys. Ever want your lives to fall apart at age four? It's the sweet spot. Well, if you become famous, they might put a historical marker on the spot where you guys camp.

Oh, maybe. I didn't even think about becoming famous. Mike Brocky, the guy that kills 60 seconds at a time. Once was homeless here. Mike, how long have you been in Los Angeles? Six months. I think I'm going to leave. Why?

Oh, you know. It's the second trimester. You can't leave. Why are you thinking about leaving? Just, you know. We don't know. Stop saying that. Everybody's fake and full of shit.

This is probably the biggest audience I've had since I've been here. And it's great. It was great. You're leaving town because the crowds aren't big enough? Yeah, what did you think was going to happen in six months? It's just tough. I don't know if Hollywood's looking for a guy like me.

No, they're not, but that's not the point. It takes everyone a while to get used to it. It took me like three years to like living here. You don't get it in like six months. No, I think you're doing

a good thing. I live, this is the third time I've lived here. Twice I left this Los Angeles school and fucked this town. I hate everybody here.

Yeah. And look, now I enjoy it. So maybe it's just you coming back later in life. You might enjoy it. Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? I missed that. Five years. And are you coming back later in life. You might enjoy it. How long have you been doing comedy?

I missed that. Five years. And are you thinking about quitting comedy? No. I was going to quit. Then I decided I'm not going to quit. I'm just going to. If you want, can I have that harder joke?

I really want that. Sure. Yeah. Where are you thinking about going with your comedy career where you're going to get bigger crowds? I was thinking like going to Berlin or something. Oh, yeah. Go to Europe. They love English-speaking stand-up in Berlin.

There'll be one youth hostel on every second Thursday of the month that they're going to like what you do. Hell yeah. I heard they like camps in Berlin too. Yeah. And also incest and spanking. It's going to be a great place for you.

You know, what happens if you get there and you hit a wall, you know? Why Berlin? Oh, you're going to love it. It's a great place. It's called Fisch Lake. Just get on the train. Why Berlin? It's cool.

Germany's cool. You can buy a beer at a grocery store and just drink it on the street. Oh, you're an alcoholic. That's the reason? Oh, my God. I mean, yeah, the list goes on and on. You can do that in Vegas. It's like a sad poem though. It's beautiful. You move

to LA, but I never perform in front of a big crowd, so I'm going to move to Berlin. Why? Because I can drink a beer on the sidewalk. When I was homeless. Mike, what do you do for a living? I work at a bar. You work at a bar. How long have you been on that? Since I moved here, six months.

And are you making decent money? No. What's your living situation? I live in a room in a house. It's not bad. You live in a room in a house. Yeah. It's like a traditional situation. That seems like part of a fucking answer.

How many other people live in the house, Mike? I talked about it last time, but a Filipino lady, actually, which is weird. Mommy! And I live with another comic, and then some other random Craigslist person. Alright.

What would you do for money in Berlin? English stuff. English stuff? What the fuck? What do you think is going on there? Yeah like Arbitrage and crumpets And like God saving the queen

Like teaching or like translating Stuff like that Do you have any experience in that? None Wait are you Is that real though? Is there a real opportunity for you to make money there? Yeah, I've got friends there, and I've been there.

There's a good little comedy scene in Berlin. Yeah, you can do English comedy. There's a lot of little rooms, but I don't know if you can make money off of it. But teaching English is definitely... You can, Tom. You can, Moshe. You cannot, Mike Brockett.

You cannot make money in Berlin doing stand-up. But you can drink a beer on the street. Fucking mind-blowing. Totally worth the trip. I mean, Berlin is a pretty fucking awesome city. I will give you that. It's a good place. It's cool. Yeah, the car dealerships have bars in it. Really? It's a pretty cool city. Mercedes and BMW in Berlin.

You go in there and there's like a bar and you can order a glass of wine or a beer and just sit among these brand new cars and dream about the future. You hear that? And the supermarkets, wait till you see the fucking sausage aisles there. They got, oh my God, they love sausages. They have bars in their car dealerships.

You could work at a bar in a car dealership in Berlin. Yep. I'm leaving LA. I'm sold. All right. Wow. Wow. Mike, what's the best thing that's happened to you in,

Mike, what's the best thing that's happened to you in six months here in Los Angeles? Oh, I got laid once. That was cool. How'd that happen? It's so fun, right? Yeah, it's good. The end part? The end part is fucking awesome.

Mike, how did that happen? Oh, at Tinder. Dad came back from the Philippines. That was good. That was good, Nathan. Dad came back from the Philippines. That was good. That was good, Nathan. You were on Tinder? And that's how it happened? You guys flirted back and forth?

Yeah, I did a little Tinder thing. Is she a bigger girl? No. Just curious. Just figured I'd ask. I mean, why not ask that? Everyone's podcast. It's a fair question.

It's not like I have restrictions or sponsors. You think ZipRecruiter's gonna be mad? Huh? They're not. It's not like I have restrictions or sponsors. You think ZipRecruiter is going to be mad? They're not. I just said ZipRecruiter again. That totally makes up for everything. So she was a skinny girl? Yeah. She was in shape.

What was that meet up like? I went to a tiki bar thing. Or whatever. It kind of smelled like puke on the inside. But that was cool. I like dive bars. It's all right. Of her or of the bar?

The bar did. Okay. Yeah. She was fine. It was a fine experience. It was fine. How long did you last? One good question, Tony.

Thank you. I didn't time it. But I think a normal amount of time. Condom? No condom? Raw dog did. Wow. Look at you. Watch out, Berlin.

In the Philippines, they actually eat raw dogs. So, Berg. Mike, I don't know what you're thinking, dude. If your other stand-up is as funny as the couple minutes that you've done on this show, then maybe the part that you're missing, you know, you work nights at that bar, a lot of nights, five nights a week. Two nights a week. Two nights a week. Well, if you worked maybe three nights a week, you'd have more money. Uh-huh. And if you spent those

other four nights, you know, hanging out, meeting people, being funny, making friends. Are you making friends in the six months that you're here? I have made some good friends, yeah. Well, there you go. I would say keep doing that, dude. I wouldn't run to Berlin this fast. Six months is pretty quick. There he goes, Mike Brocky.

He doesn't use Twitter. It says it right on the line where people put their Twitter handle. He doesn't believe in Twitter, which is going to really help his career take off in Berlin, Germany. Alright, I pulled another name out.

You guys having fun? You get the show yet? Anything can happen. Sometimes it's somebody's first time on stage. Sometimes pulled another name out. You guys having fun? You get the show yet? Anything can happen. Sometimes it's somebody's first time on stage. Sometimes it's a genius. Who knows? Your next comedian goes by the name of Jacob Charmack. Jacob Charmack? Wow, from the farthest corner.

Seems like all of these are always from the farthest part of the comedy store. One more time for Jacob Charmack, everybody. How's everyone doing tonight? Good? I just drove here from Maryland, cross country. One thing I realized is driving cross country takes longer than running cross country. I don't know if you guys know that. I never found out.

Think about it. Yeah. They're thinking about it. So I'm very poor now. I have, like, no money. And all I have in my freezer are Totino's pizza rolls. And I'm really, like, flimsy. I need to get some bulk, so I've been just eating that edamame, just the meat inside, the filling. I don't need the crust. I've been walking around my apartment. It's all carpet, and I've realized my feet are cracking.

That's not healthy. My feet are cracking. Can I finish? Holy fucking shit. Yeah, finish. Jacob, finish. Stop, stop, stop. Let him finish.

My feet are cracking. My floor is carpet, and all I can think about is I have my feet are cracking My floor is carpet And all I can think about is I have hardwood That's splitting in half all the time That's what I think That didn't work Hold on

Let me just try to understand this Just give me a chance at understanding. Beautiful. Tony, before you're too rough with him, he does have an extra chromosome. He did call me special last week, so there's that. Jacob, over here. Don't try to be funny. I'm not.

I'm not. Why would he start now? What do you mean your hardwood is cracked? I have carpet, and my feet crack, so I think, like, I have hardwood. I imagine that I have hardwood that cracked? I have carpet and my feet crack so I think like I have hardwood. I imagine that I have hardwood that splits in half.

You know what I love about you? That was the original joke and I fucked it up. You are a master observational comedian of things that no human being

has ever observed. Ever. Nothing you said was relatable in the slightest. Or even comprehensible. That was amazing. What was the first joke you told us to think about

none of us could think about? Driving is quicker than walking or running? Driving cross-country is longer than running cross-country. Why? A lot of people, you know what, Jacob? These guys are trying to be rough on you. Let me tell you something, Jacob. Let me tell you something right now. Let me tell you something right now.

Let me tell you something right now. Everybody's being mean to you, but I will tell you this. What an original voice you have. So many people come here looking for the hot. You know what I mean? They want to make these people laugh. You literally generated what the fucks over and over and over again. Truly, you could be the what the fuck

comedian. You could just say shit that doesn't make any fucking sense. You're on the wrong podcast, dude. You should be on what the fuck right now. Mark Barron, yeah, I should be. But unfortunately for you, Mark doesn't just pull names out of a podcast. No, he does not.

He has standards. But when he does, you might have a chance, Jacob. Wait, Tony, I really want to know, can you explain the logic of the... Yeah, the first joke? I'll tell you another thing I liked about you. You set up an impossible-to-understand Zen koan at the beginning of your set

that ensured that even if the rest of your set was funny, it wasn't, but even if... Nobody could your set was funny, it wasn't. But even if... Nobody could have paid attention because I was thinking about that first riddle the whole time. What did you mean? Okay, I was trying to do meta-comedy and shit. All right, so I have to explain this.

Running cross-country is a lot longer and it's a lot shorter than driving cross- because running cross country is like the after school sport. Oh, if you drove during the track. Well, it's supposed to be like a thinking chip. If you got in your car and drove during the track. It didn't work. Please stop. Don't do it to me.

We know it didn't work. That's not what we're asking. We're not asking you again if it worked I tried to explain it I can't explain it We're just trying to figure out what you thought was funny about that It was funny to me so I tried in front of an audience But what about it was funny to you?

Try it one more time Because you said it differently that time Than you did the first time by the way You said did you know that running cross country Is what? Driving cross country that time than you did the first time, by the way. You said, did you know that running cross-country is... Driving. Is what? Driving cross-country. Driving cross-country is longer. So I drove out from Maryland cross-country

and I've realized that driving cross-country takes a lot longer than running cross-country. But the part where... It's a pun. Yeah, but the part where you say you drove cross-country from Maryland immediately, there's no way I'm thinking track and field. I understand.

I get that now. You're right. But also, the joke makes no sense, no matter what happened. But I loved it. I mean, I did love your set. I just don't understand what happened during it. How old are you, Jacob? I'm 21, Tony.

Have you been on this show before? I was here last week. I opened. You got pulled out last week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you, you lucky fuck. Yeah, I know. I'm fucking lucky.

Wow. Are you fucking lucky. Wow. Are you always lucky? Do you have good luck? I have no fucking luck. Wow. They call it the Charmats curse. Is that true? That's true.

Your family has bad luck? We have very bad luck. A lot of us are dead. There's barely any of us living. That's true. Most people that get pulled out of the bucket, that would be multiple weeks in a row. That'd be considered good luck.

But when you're opening with a cross-country driving joke, that is truly bad luck. The Charmax Curse. Is there anything else in your family's history that's famous for their bad luck? Like anything that ever happened to your parents or anything like that? The Charmax Curse. I just love that.

It's just we go to restaurants and we like always get bad service. Half my family's dead. The other half, it takes a long time to get the mozzarella sticks. It's really fucking bad. And my dad's a chef, so he like... Nurse Jeremiah.

I'm going to diagnose this patient with white people problems. Thank you. This is a bad luck. The Charmax curse. Wait, what's your name again? Huh? What's your name?

It's some, what? Jacob. Jacob. Did you run track? No. Oh, because you, the other thing about you, you got a tight little butt.

Yeah, I got a tight ass. You got a nice little ass. It's nice. He doesn't have white people problems in that back door. Jeremiah likes it. He's trying to diagnose it right now. I don't know what he's thinking.

Look at that little thing. That's beautiful. I'm going to let my wife fuck you. That's awesome. You just had a kid. You just had a kid. That's for sure, yeah. All right, Jacob.

Well, I mean, that's interesting. How long are you staying in L.A. for? It's been two weeks. You moved here? I drove here, Tony. Well, I understand that you drove here. I'm wondering when you're driving back, Jacob. That's the question. You moved here? I drove here, Tony. Well, I understand that you drove here. I'm wondering when you're driving back, Jacob. That's the question.

You moved here to stay, though. Yes. And you're 21. You just came for Guns Ablazin'. Guns Ablazin'. I'm out of college, unfortunately. Yeah. How are you surviving out here?

I work. What do you do? Retail. I'm a supervisor. You're a supervisor. You're a supervisor? For how many weeks you became supervisor? I'm a supervisor. You're a supervisor. You were somebody's boss. You became supervisor. I'm a supervisor, and I'm way over my head.

I'm so over my head. They're all foreign, so I can't communicate with any of them. Just tell them, if you want to connect with your- Trump's America, the white guy's in charge. Exactly. I have no college experience that they put me in charge. It's crazy. Where are you from in Maryland?

I'm basically right outside of Baltimore It's a monium area What's the job that you do, Jacob? What are you supervising? Oh, it's the receiving area You got a nice receiving area right there, boy I got a receiving area right there I'll tell you what

That's right Wow I don't know what. That's right. Wow. I don't know what I just did there. And the foreign employees that work underneath you, they don't communicate with you well? You're having trouble getting them to listen to you? The 21-year-old with the baby face?

That's why I need a polka. Have you ever tried to relate to your foreign employees by talking about how you also get bad service at restaurants? I do, and they don't like that. They can't understand because they don't have money either. You should tell them about the hardwood floor foot thing. They'll be like, I get this guy. Relatable. Yeah, I know. I was testing material and it didn't work. I liked it. Well, thank you. What did you study and it didn't work. I liked it.

I mean, well, thank you. What did you study in college? What did I study? Yeah. Computer science. He looked at the crowd like, Computer science, baby. I fucking blew.

I fucking. You know what I'm saying, folks. Well, Jacob, let me tell you something that's great about this, uh, this situation. You're 21. You're already,

you know, getting pulled out of the bucket every fucking week on a show like this. I love this show. Guys that are doing 20 times better than you that are about to run for their lives to Berlin, Germany. He was, he was great.

I like that guy. There's always new spots opening up. Stick with it. Keep taking chances. I love that. At least you're trying to do some weird bullshit meta comedy because at least it's different than everything else that we hear every week. You're taking chances. You're experimenting.

And at 21, you have time to do things like that and figure out what the fuck you really are. That's right. But not experimenting with guys. I'm straight. Pointing that out. Hey, dude. Fucking sweet. Yeah, bro. Look who tried to sneak in a joke there. Hell yeah, guys. I'm straight. Pointing that out. Hey, dude. Fucking sweet.

Yeah, bro. Hell yeah, dude. Look who tried to sneak in a joke there. I love pussy. Hell yeah. Yeah, nothing more believable out of nowhere than just want to let you know totally not fucking dudes or anything. The one thing I won't be doing in LA is... Nurse Jeremiah.

Yeah, I just did some blood work and biologically, you're gay. There he goes. Jacob Charmack, everybody. Thank you, guys. Get your gay ass out of here. That beautiful gay ass of Jacob Charmack. That was so out of

nowhere. That was amazing. That's computer programmer comedy. That's exactly what that is. I'm definitely going to keep experimenting, but not with men. Not that I trash ban. That's not the type of hardwood that I want to walk on. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I'll tell you where I won't be is Rage on the Sunset Strip right there in West Hollywood, across from Polly's, right where they do the Broadway nights, where they sing Broadway.

I will not go to either of those places. Nothing gay here. Not going to let you put it in my Charmax curse. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Thomas Marks. Let's meet Thomas Marks. Here we go. We're moving along smoothly.

I like this episode so far. I didn't like the crowd in the beginning, but you guys are warming up too. Thomas Marks, everyone. You know how you can tell you're getting older? It's when you go back to your parents' house and your wieners finally outgrown the jacuzzi jet hole. I'm getting off Instagram because

ever since I started following Ricky Martin, I've been having a lot of lights-off anal sex with my girlfriend. Wow. Wow. What do Amelia Earhart and Hillary Clinton have in common? They both set out to do a man's job, then nobody ever saw him again. both set out to do a man's job, then nobody ever saw him again.

And Anthony Bourdain, he killed himself a week before peace with North Korea. Makes sense. He didn't want to have to go to parts unknown where he was going to have to eat rat meat for a week. Wow.

Looks like somebody's going to be trying to squeeze his dick back into that jacuzzi vent real soon. Thomas, how's it going, dude? Good. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you, thank you. You have half

a blunt behind your ear, correct? Correct. Fuck yeah. Do you smoke marijuana because you're undergoing chemo currently? Yeah. No. Why don't you take a bite of that rat meat, bro? That's good, that's good.

Thomas, how's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it five years. Today's my birthday, actually. Hey, well, it was really sad there for a second when you said five years, and then you made it all happy again by saying it was your birthday. Hell yeah. It's true.

Man. You know that Instagram Ricky Martin anal sex joke? You know what I call that? That was a dirty Charmack right there. That's what that was. What was the punchline? That you're getting too many likes for anal sex? No.

Since I've been following Ricky Martin, I've been closing my eyes and fucking my girlfriend in the ass. Oh, so you're thinking about Ricky Martin. Or turning the lights off, right. Yeah, I'm thinking about Ricky Martin. Is it tighter than the Jacuzzi air jets? But why?

Why would you fuck your girlfriend in the ass after following Ricky Martin on Instagram? Because it's Ricky Martin in his mind. Right. He's living La Vida Lenta, Tony. You know what I like about the way you say Martin is that it's like Martin from the TV show, which is a classic and really made me think of funny stuff. Where are you from? I'm from Upland.

Uh-huh. Where? He's from Downs Upland. Uh-huh. Where? He's from Downsland. Inland Empire. Oh, okay. Nearby. But I live in Westside, Santa Monica. Westside, Santa Monica.

Poorest guy in the city. I thought it was ballsy to open with the dick in the jacuzzi air jet thing. But then like the Amelia Earhart joke, that's like an internet joke, isn't it? Did you write that? I did. Okay well fuck me. It sounded like it was something. Yeah fuck him.

He's not Ricky Martin but he'll do. I mean that's that was an interesting joke because people have seen Hillary since then and Amelia A political charm act right there. I like that you were going to do an Anthony Bourdain suicide joke

because obviously everybody loves him and that's shocking and then you could have had a more gruesome punchline. What was the punchline on that? He didn't want to eat rat meat. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if you're going to bring up a suicide of a world-beloved person, you

should really try and rip the heart out of it. Even the rats in North Korea are very upset that you made that joke. They should kill themselves in a more glorious way, too. What do you mean? If I was a celebrity, I would do it in, like, a spectacular way. He hung himself from a chandelier in Paris,

France. What the fuck are you talking about? If you're going to criticize anybody's suicide, maybe not Bourdain. Maybe like, you know, David Carradine with a belt and a closet in the Philippines or something like that. But how dare you insult the great Anthony Bourdain

on a show called Kill Tony. If Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain kill themselves, none of us stand a chance. Thomas, if I were going to fix any joke, it would probably be the... I was on the edge of my seat during the Amelia Earhart Hillary Clinton joke. I felt like there

was something there. What do Amelia Earhart and Hillary have in common? You can't find either one of their emails or something like that. Something. Anything other than you can't see Hillary anymore. Or maybe both of them got cheated on by their husbands. Really, anything is better than you can't find Hillary

anymore. Because she keeps turning up everywhere. Just this sore fucking loser. Oh, no, I'm kidding, guys. Thomas, are you, do you have a side politically? You seem like you're wearing a John Deere hat. For those of you listening to the podcast. It's a Masters golf hat seem like you're wearing a John Deere hat. For those of you listening to the podcast.

It's a Masters golf hat. All right. Looks like a John Deere hat, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still leaning towards the Republican side of things. Do you have a political preference? No, I've never voted. No?

You know what? Good, man. That's really good, actually. I'm thinking about your set. I'm thinking, that's good. We're good. Nobody can really good, actually. I'm thinking about your set. I'm thinking, that's good. We're good. Nobody can blame you. Exactly. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

I'm a preschool soccer coach. Preschool soccer coach. West LA. Are you teaching them set plays at that age? Bloody knee scrimmages. That's all I run. Great. What do preschool soccer kids play for? The World Sippy Cup?

Tony, I think that was wonderful what you just did. Thank you. It got a slight chuckle by this spoiled fucking audience. World Sippy Cup? What, have you heard it before, fuckos? Asshole crowd. I knew it when I came out.

Anyway, Thomas, so that's what you do for work? Yeah. In the mornings, and then I work at an oyster bar in Santa Monica. Oh, an oyster bar. You get laid a lot? I bet you do, huh? I'm like

so fucking poor that I don't have money for any type of ass. Well, sex is actually not, it doesn't cost money. Yeah, it does. Well, unless you're buying, it doesn't cost money unless you're... Yeah, it does. Well, unless you're buying, I mean, sex work is, but what you... You know, it's hard where I'm at. It takes money.

It takes money to get girls where I'm at. And I've raised my standards recently since moving to Santa Monica. Well, don't do that. What do you mean you raised your standards? Listen, I've been doing comedy for five years, but I've been chasing pussy really hard the last five years. So I've made a vow to myself that starting at the beginning of the summer, I'm done chasing girls and I'm just going to do comedy.

How many times a week do you usually on average go up? I work at West Side Comedy Theater, so the last twice a week there. Probably three times a week. Let's go back to the chasing girls thing. Sure, sure, sure. When you say you raised your standards, what changed? Because you were basically saying that you weren't getting laid before that, right? And then you decided, oh, this isn't working.

I'm going to raise my standards. My friends always made fun of me in high school for... For not getting laid in. No, no, no, no. Because of the way you look and your sense of humor. What did they make fun of you for? The girls I was with. Fat girls, cholas, et cetera.

Fat girls and cholas? Wait a second. Hold on a second. Hey, what's wrong with cholas homie What's wrong with fat girls too That's right eh You better watch your fucking mouth Alright

But I accepted it What's wrong with cholas Answer the question I like sharpie don eyebrows And a juicy jumpsuit That's my thing I like it Answer the question. This is an angry... I like sharpied-on eyebrows and a juicy jumpsuit. That's my thing.

I like it. I denied it at first. I like all types of women, okay? And my friends were giving me shit about it. Nurse Jeremiah, he's at a very high risk right now of getting bitch slapped. That's right, eh?

I got the filero on me. I'll stab this fuckery. I just, I moved into a neighborhood of the most, it's the most beautiful women in the world. I see Maria Sharapova

every day, walk by in a skirt. He's like, that's what I raise my standards to. It's her or the highway. But she's not even the hottest girl I see every day. That's what's up, that's what I raise my standards to. It's her or the highway. But she's not even the hottest girl I see every day.

That's what's up, player. Hey. RIP the champs. Big fan. You work at an oyster bar in Santa Monica. We're not surprised that you see hot chicks. Right, right. So naturally, I've just raised my standards,

and I don't have the time. I don't have the time for these women. You need to lower your standards. I've been raised my standards, and I don't have the time. I don't have the time for these women. You need to lower your standards. I've been doing it my whole life. I'm just going to focus in my 30s. I've dropped enough loads in my 20s. How old are you now? Every pussy in here is just moist and gushing right now.

It's crazy. It's crazy. Oh, why? Please. We're waiting. 31 today. Shut my oyster. All right.

In closing, Thomas, if you could, you know, all the ladies that are listening to this, We're waiting. 31 today. Chuck my oyster. All right. In closing, Thomas, if you could, you know, all the ladies that are listening to this. What's not your email address? Yeah. If you could sort of win them over in some, I mean, you just basically made everyone hate you. So if you could give us like a little fun fact about you, like what might make a pretty woman out there or someone with, I don't know if pretty is even a good enough word for your standards. But if you could give yourself. A non-Mexican.

How about that? There you go. Give a little pitch out there for what's going on right now. I want Thomas to give all the ladies in the room a reason for redemption. Give us a fun fact about you in which they would want to be with you. Why all these women

have wanted it? No one has wanted it, so that wouldn't be the question that I asked. Let's try again. I don't know if you were paying attention when he said he dropped a lot of loads in his 20s, Tony. I believe he did drop a lot of loads into a lot of different paper towels.

This fool wants to be child support, eh? So if you could say one thing to win some of these ladies back over in this room, what would it be? I'll eat your pussy from the back in my grandma's car after the show. All right, I don't think that worked at all. There he goes, Thomas Marks.

Wow. It's very rare to find someone who's basically going to get out fucked by Jacob Charmack. I mean, it's incredible. I feel like Jacob's just going to have threesomes and

just be pointing out the window laughing at Tom. He's like, fuck you! Lower your standards, bro! In his grandma's car, with three cholas. Fuck you! Fuck yeah.

You guys having fun out there? Let's get another one up here. Weird-ass night. What? Weird-ass night. It's like there's a gas leak in here. Weird-ass night. What? Weird-ass night. What's weird? There's like a gas leak in here. All these comics and their material.

All right. There's a little input from Red Band, who's clearly the pain medicine is sinking in right now. Weird-ass night was his analysis. It's been a fun comedy show so far, for those of you paying attention, but it's getting weird. This is a one-word name.

You know I love one-word names. I believe this is this person's first time here. Put your hands together for Sing. Sing. S-I-N-G-H. Come on. What do these people do? They go to a different room?

So many insane people. You guys are all comedians over there. You all signed up, right? Where do these people go? Really? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God. All right. Okay, this looks interesting. How about, there's no way this person's here. Put your hands together

for Reesey Pieces. Oh, that's great. That's great. Put your hands together for Reesey Pieces. Reesey Pieces, everybody. Woo! Don't you guys miss, like, the 90s, man?

Huh? When Bill Cosby was Cliff Huxtable and shit? Still making the pudding and all. I mean, when Eddie Murphy was the shit. Hey, when you say be like Michael, I always meant Michael Jackson. People always talk about Michael Jordan. I used to dress like Mike, sing like Mike, and I tried that baby hair right here. I tried to get that like Mike, but I couldn't. You know how many times I done walk into a fight dressed like this

oh don't make me kick your ass! But I love you. Thank you, guys. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about that. I didn't... Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Tony. Reesey Pieces. Yes, Nurse Jeremiah. Okay, I just checked. His joke type is B-A-D. It is highly infectious. Watch out. You know what?

I'm excited. I come here all the time. I finally get to be with Kill Tony and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. It feels great. Tony, when I watch this set, I wish I was Def Jam. Oh, okay, okay. I see. Recy, relax.

You know, for having no jokes whatsoever, I love his enthusiasm. You're like, likability is 90 whatsoever, I loved his enthusiasm. You're like, like, I did like ability is 90. Thank you. Thank you. You're like, so you're so likable. And the fact that you invested in the coat, it's like, I mean, you know, it's win win. If you just added some punchlines and some jokes, you'd fucking be.

Well, here's here's the truth. Here's the truth. I actually dance on Hollywood, right? So I dance. We believe that. We believe that. Right, right. Impossible.

So I come and sign up, and I never get on. So this time I picked the name Reese's Pieces, and look at me now. Yeah, that's what happened. Maybe you could hire somebody. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But usually I come prepared, but this time I was down.

You had a whole outfit with a glove. You were so prepared. Man, I just finished. I just finished. I just finished. I came straight from dancing. Reesey, Reesey, Reesey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Relax.

So, first of all, all right. How long have you been dancing on Hollywood Boulevard? Man, I moved here about four. From where? I lived in Vegas for about seven and a half years. Uh-huh. So I used to do the circus shows there, and... What were you doing in the circus?

Not the circus, like Circus LA, Donny and Marie stage. I used to do the Michael Jackson tribute shows there. Are you, like, a really good dancer? Hell yeah, I'm on the internet. I got www.AntoineBanks.com. You're on the internet? Yeah, I know. You name. I got www.AntoineBanks.com. You're on the internet? I know. But www.AntoineBanks.com.

We're not playing that fucking game. If you want to plug anything, you can plug the name you signed up with. Okay, Reese's Pieces. Go to ReeseyPieces.com. Son of a bitch. Think you're going to plug your shit? Next on So You Think You Can Plug.

Wait. It's because. Reecey, Reecey, Reecey. Relax. Go ahead. Go ahead. No one even asked you a fucking question. Just relax.

All right. All right. So how long have you been dancing on Hollywood Boulevard? Maybe about two weeks now. About two weeks. Oh, about two weeks. So you're fresh to L.A. Yeah, I'm from.

I've been here for four months. So how long have you been signing up for Kill Tony? Shit, four months two weeks now. Oh, about two weeks. So you're fresh to L.A.? Yeah, I'm from, like, I've been here for four months. How long have you been signing up for Kill Tony? Shit, four months. Four months. Four months. And you've been in L.A. for two weeks. No, no, no, no. I've been dancing on L.A. for two weeks.

I've been here. I moved here about four. You making good money out there? I mean, damn, Tony, I gotta just put my business out there. I might. The answer's no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you normally dance to? Huh. What do you normally dance to?

Huh? What do you normally dance to? Shit, Michael Jackson, Chris Breezy. Why don't you show us a little something? Why don't we see what Reesey Pieces actually does? Would you guys like that? This better be good, Reesey. I'm telling you right now.

Oh, shit, He's taking... Wow. Alright. For those of you listening to the podcast, he's doing what every other person that dances like Michael Jackson does. No moonwalk, huh? No moonwalk? You don't have the moonwalk down yet? No moonwalk?

You don't have the moonwalk down yet? I could do a moonwalk with my wife. It's called a crip walk, Tony. Hey, you don't know where to get any propofol, do you? No, and that's it. That's it, that's it. I love it. Man, you pulled out your wallet, and you have every card you've ever gotten inside that thing.

Full-blown Costanza wallet. It's a hustle, Tony. It's a hustle. You ever see the Iron Patriot out there on the Hollywood Boulevard? Man, him, Captain Planet, Captain America, Morgan Freeman. I see everybody, boy. Do you ever get into a problem with the other people out there? Like you're in their space, they're in your space?

Hell no. When there is, I start playing rap music. You know how white people get when you see angry black men? With a chest out. No problems, no problems, no problems. Wait, what? I got intimidated right just then. See, there you go.

There you go. First I find out you're on the internet, now you have your chest out. I'm intimidated. Yeah, I already called the cops on you. Alright. Conrad Murray just tried to kill him again well that's fun reesey have you ever done stand-up comedy yeah man uh i stopped for a while and i started doing sketch comedy um where did you do that at? Vegas, Detroit. That's where I'm originally from. What up, though? Did you do it with, like, a particular, like, sketch company or a show?

Currently, right now, I have, like, a commercial agent. So I've been rocking with them for, like, maybe four months since I've been here. And I've been doing it. What about the sketch? Because I'm trying to figure out. What type of – are we talking about, like about police sketch or something like that? No. But

no. I did. What? Wow. Someone buckles under the questioning. Tony, do you understand the words that are coming out of his mouth? Were you vaccinated? Because I think you might be retarded.

Wow, Chroma Chris. Jokes. Out of nowhere. He can't prepare with the jokes. Silent but deadly. Reesey, you get a lot of chicks hitting on you out there on Hollywood Boulevard? I mean, hell no.

Shit. Hell no? This jacket, it smell like moose nuts. This motherfucker stink. This jacket is on point. Wait, is it on point or does it stink? No, like it stink like it'll clear your sinuses. Like if you one sniff, it's bad.

It's on hit. Yeah, well, is that what that is? Well, I don't mean to try to educate you on slang. Yeah, okay. On point, I is? Well, I don't mean to try to educate you on slang. But on point, I do believe means it's pretty cool. And on hit is like it's pretty funky. Okay, cool. Then we're going on hit.

We're going to go with on hit. On hit. Nurse Jeremiah. Yeah, we've got a lot of other patients in the waiting room. Let's move this along. I think so. Let's move on. There he goes.

Recy Pieces. I agree with the nurse's analysis on this one. Doctor's orders. Back to Hollywood Boulevard he goes. Back to the bucket for us. And I pulled out a name. Nick Sheehan. Nick Sheehan

is coming to the stage now. Here comes Nick. Everything's moving along smoothly. One more time for Nick Sheehan, everybody. Thank you, thank you. Man, it's so cool that you guys come out here, you know, to hang out with some of us open mic types, you know, just like remember how it feels.

You know, I get it, man. Sometimes I like to have sex without open mic types, you know, just like remember how it feels. You know, I get it, man. Like sometimes I like to have sex without my butt plug, you know, just to, you know, just remember how it feels. See if I can still do it. But no, I'm actually kind of like a wholesome guy. Like I'm like, you know, just your basic, boring, small town, Jason Sudeikis looking kind of wholesome guy. Like I was a, I was a boy scout and all that stuff, you know, and it was kind of a culture shock when I got here to L.A. Like, I've got this girlfriend now, and she's kind of into, like, kinky stuff, you know,

and that's just, I never thought that'd be in my wheelhouse, but, you know, like I said, though, I was a Boy Scout, so I'm kind of just a fan of tying knots in general. You know, so we both get a little something out of it. And she got all turned off, though. She got mad once I started explaining what each of the knots were. Like, all right, baby, we're going to start with a little clove hitch around your left ankle. And as I wrap this around, now, technically, this is not a knot at all.

This is what we would call lashing. Now, the difference being, what's that, baby? You're good? Missionary, eyes closed. Sounds good. All right, listen, it wasn't that great. Nick Sheehan. This is a, I'm starting to think there might be some type of gas leak or something like that.

I'm starting to think this is a weird episode. That's a very astute observation, Tony. That's a smart observation. It really is. I can't believe I came up with it all by myself. Somebody needed to say it, and Tony was the guy. He's at the helm. Very good, man. That was a really great start to start off kind of lightly comparing the panel as butt plugs.

That was really... Yeah. What the fuck was that? I don't know, man. I liked it. I liked thinking about you in the audience, like, working on a riff that you were going to kind of throw out there to, like, let loose a little bit for your set. And then it was just like then it just thudded and that was a rough one because

then you had to do your set. I relate to that. I mean, I don't relate to the part where people do. Has anyone ever told you you look like a young version of the guy that actually did own the house in the movie Clue? I've never seen that movie. I don't know. Maybe. Tim Curry. Oh, yeah. People do tell me young Tim Curry. I get Jason Sagus

a lot. You are really into butt stuff, though, right? Because, I mean, your whole minute was butt stuff. Yeah. You're the only person that tried to plug only butts here tonight. Everybody else is plugging their podcast. He's like, I love shit shoved up my ass. So that's true, right? You love stuff in your butt?

Me, personally? No, like, I've never tried it. I think, honestly, I think I'd like it. Oh, come on. Don't tell. Oh, shit. No, honestly, I think I'm afraid that I would like it a lot. Why?

Why would that frighten you? Because I'm like, I don't want to be that guy. Just try it with your little finger and move up the hand. It's the new Boy Scouts now. It's the new frontier. There's nothing wrong with having something in your butt, man. Get into it. I'm like, I'm easing into it.

That young guy from earlier, from Maryland, come on up here. Grease his pieces. Nurse Jeremiah. I'm just curious how long you've been dressing like the lost and found from Jay Leno's garage. There you go. Okay. How long have you been dressing like that? Been dressing like this?

I don't know. All right. Forget it, Nick. Yes, back to the butt stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? For, like, not very long, like two weeks. Two weeks. That's fun.

How far did you get as a Boy Scout? I'm an Eagle Scout. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. Holy shit. So you could fit the biggest butt plug in your ass. That used to be worth a lot more before all the weird stuff happened.

So you got to wear the brown shirts. You must have been really into that, right? You love brown. Yeah, you love that sweet, sweet duty hole. Yeah, it's like just a khaki. It's the same thing. Were you guys Boy Scouts growing up? I was kicked out of the Boy Scouts.

I grew up on welfare. We couldn't afford fucking scouting. Anyway, Nick. Were you? You've been doing – Yeah. I got up to an scouting. Yeah. Anyway, Nick, so... Were you? You've been doing... Yeah. Oh, sorry. I got up to an Eagle Scout. You're an Eagle Scout? Yeah, I quit the first week. Well, it's Eagle Scout for life, man. Thank you for your service. I have no idea what just

happened to this show. We just decided to interview the guests about their Eagle Scout them, I guess. So, let's keep it on Nick, shall we? You've been doing it two weeks. What made you want to do this? I don't know. Like, I've always loved stand-up.

I used to listen to, like, Laugh USA on the radio with my dad, like, all the time as a kid. I've never even heard of that before. Laugh USA. It was, like, when XM first started. It was just, like, what's the other ones? Raw Dog. Raw Dog and Blue Collar and stuff. So I used to listen to, like like brian regan people like that well your comedy tonight was very serious so that makes sense

but that's where you started at um so two weeks in the game how's it been going so far it's been going okay um i've been are you thinking of moving to Berlin? No. It's been going good. I've been doing some open mics, and I've done a show at Flappers. How old are you? I'm 23. 23.

And you're from L.A.? No, I'm from Michigan. Michigan. How long have you been here? Show us on the hand where you're from. What? Right here. So cute. Detroit area.

What part of Michigan? Detroit area. Oh, we're there on September 22nd. That's not far from Grand Rapids on the 21st of September and Lansing on the 20th of September. All three of those are Kill Tonys and stand-up shows. It's crazy. If you want more information on any of those shows, go to

Reese's Pieces dot com. How long have you been in LA? Like a little bit more than six months. I love that. How do you have money? What are you doing for work? I do freelance production design. Wow.

What are you designing productions for? It's like mostly indie movies. Just like smaller stuff. A lot of shorts. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun? I don't know.

I'm like an outdoorsy guy. So I like to go fishing and stuff. You ever been to Fish Lake in Illinois? There's a sad little boy with a cut-off dick. You're going to love him. Yeah. I go to a lot of stand-up shows and just like camping and fishing and stuff. Oh, yeah.

You've been camping and fishing since being here in Los angeles yeah yeah where do you go i went so i actually went to where is it i went to like silverwood lake over in the san bernardino mountains oh silver lake yeah yeah really super hip fish yeah yeah really i actually went up uh i went up in the gps took me down like this wrong road and i ended up on this likeV track, and I drive an old Mustang. And so I got stuck on this ATV track for eight hours before anyone could come get me. Wow. Who came and got you? This guy named Dave that had a Hummer.

That's when I found out I like butt stuff. Yeah, exactly. That's when I found out I like butt stuff Yeah, exactly It cost me, it was like a toe service But the dude just came in a Hummer And it cost $900 For him to come get me off this mountain But you worked it out in trade

Yeah, he didn't have a Hummer Until you sucked his dick Wow, Nick, what scares you? What are you afraid of in life? You're 23 years old, you're from Michigan You're six months into, you're from Michigan, you're six months into L.A., two weeks into stand-up comedy. I don't know.

You seem like a good guy, you know what I mean? I'm like, wow, what made you want to get into stand-up? You're like, well, satellite radio, you know? Comedy USA, you know what I mean? I just wanted to, I heard what they were doing there, and I'm like, golly gee, I want to give it a try. That's pretty on point. I figured out every other badge

that an eagle scout can get. Why not use my comedy? I don't know, man. I'm not that, I don't know. I'm scared of the normal stuff. So why didn't you do like clean material

if you fell in love with comedy listening to the XM channel and Brian Regan and stuff? I don't know. I've done a lot of stuff. Or at least you should have acted out the butt joke.

Right, exactly. I don't know. I'm just starting out. I've been trying a lot of new stuff. I don't know. This one didn't go over as well, I guess. Now, repeat one more time what that opening joke was about the butt plug. One more time for us.

Oh, it was like it's cool that you guys come and see the like hang out with open oh yeah oh the end part it's uh it's like uh like sometimes i like to have sex without the butt plug just to see if i can still do it but you've never had anything in your butt yeah he's no yeah yeah so what made what what makes you what makes you so the inauthenticity of theicity of the premise to begin with. You've had normal sex, right? Yeah. You've had one steady girlfriend, or you've had sex a few times?

Enough times, yeah. Enough times? Wow. I don't know, for you with a woman, it seems like once. It seems like you tried it. I did it enough times to get the badge, and I was out. That was it. What do you mean, enough? I used to – I'm in a steady relationship now.

And it's been a long time. How long have you been in a relationship? Well, I've only been in a relationship for like a month now. You just said it's been a long time. No, no, it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship. Yeah, yeah. I used to be a little more wild. It's a her? Yeah.

Where'd you meet her at? I knew her from high school. You knew her from high school? Yeah. She moved out here? Yeah. From Michigan? From Michigan. And how did that come about? You guys just hung out one night? Did you have drinks or something like that? No, she was sitting shotgun in Dave's Hummer.

We had hung out a little bit in high school and then she moved out here and we reconnected, you know? Are you super religious? No. No, not really. I'm Jewish. Oh, what's up, man? I love your set. I think you're talented.

You'll go a long way. You just got promoted, by the way, from production designer to executive producer. Congratulations. To Nick Sheehan. All right, Nick. You're just a couple weeks in. Nothing greener and cooler than that, dude.

I hope you keep coming back. Give us an update for how everything's going. All right. Thank you, guys. There you go. Nick Sheehan. His first time on the show. Yep.

Yeah. Well, we've seen a lot of newer people here tonight. We've seen a guy that did good and is about to quit. So let's go with our most consistent gun in the world. We have a regular that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. He's a goddamn sensation, blowing up on every single fucking level. We love him here. Make some noise for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, everybody.

What's up, y'all? White people ready to laugh. Look at you. I went to jail one time for 14 hours. Then they let me go. But I didn't leave yet. Because I can't go back to the hood with 14 hours on my belt. So I stuck around in the lobby for 10 hours.

Because that's a day. Then I called my homeboy and said, hey, man, I'm free. He said, all right, I'm on the way. And then he come in, he was like, yeah, man, I'm proud of you, man. A whole day in jail, you my nigga for life. Give me some. And the cop was like, what you proud about? That is a criminal.

He said, my boy did a day in jail. He said, this nigga did a day in jail. He said, this nigga been free for 10 hours. Said he was waiting for somebody to come home from work. My friend said, yeah, nigga, you call your Uber, you lying motherfucker. It'd be funny when I get arguments with white girls, because they put a nigga in time out. Got in an argument with this white girl. I said, I can't stand you. I'm sick of your shit.

She said, well, I won't say another word until you fix your attitude. You get in an argument with a black girl, they break your spirit. I'm sick of your shit. Sick of my shit, nigga. You homeless. You use EBT. You ain't got no house.

You sleep in a car. What the fuck a house got to do with this? Malcolm motherfucking Hatchet. Hell yeah. That's a fun one. I love it. You're just so likable. You do this thing that we haven't seen all night

where you come out and it almost seems like you want the people to like you and laugh at you while you're up here. It's almost foreign to us, the show we've been watching all night. It's amazing that you figured out this rhythm of wanting to do good on the show.

This entire stack of names could really take a note of that. Right from the get. I mean, it is no coincidence that you apply that common sense to your first five or ten seconds and we're there to listen and have fun through the rest of it. Believe you.

Is that true? Were you ever really arrested? Yeah, I went to jail for 14 hours. Really? Yeah. What did you do? Man, I caught a gun charge, but I took a blame for somebody. This is the part where we find out Malcolm used to be just a terrible murderer

back in North Carolina. There had to be a catch. Nah, for real, man. It was back in Greensboro like two years ago. I had just got the gun too, but I didn't use it. We was at a party and my friend, man, my friend was shooting in the air and shit. We drove off and we was on the highway

and I was on Snapchat still doing the stupid shit. I missed the exit to go home. It was like, you know when you play Grand Theft Auto, it'd be like five stars. That's how it was. It was helicopters and shit. Yeah, and my friend got pulled back, but he got away because he hit me up after I got out. He had a pull-out radio where he put his gun in. I had a brand new gun in the case, just being stupid.

And they found it, and they found it. I couldn't say nothing. So, shit, I did $14. Wow. But I never shot the gun. They didn't do the.9 because you're supposed to just track it and shit. So, I just took the blame. I did community service. I'm free, and shot the gun. They didn't do the dot-not. You're supposed to just track it and shit, so I just took the blame. I did community service.

I'm free, and I moved here. He's free. He's here. Yeah. They took the gun from you. You never had to use it. Yep. Wow. Well, that's fun. Is that true that white women put you in timeout? Oh, I see the shit all the time. At least they do it to the white boys, and I see it on the strips,

so I just put it in my notes. I say, well, you stay over there. I love that. How's everything else in life going? You're a goddamn sensation. It's cool. Oh, I'm going home this weekend, opening up at Theovine and Riley. Oh, very cool.

Going back to North Carolina, doing some shows. That's great. I know we got harassed all weekend by fans out in Skank Fest that were hoping and praying that you were there. It's weird. I was telling Red Band before the show, it used to be like people were excited about the show. They'd go, hey, I listen

to every episode of the show. Can't wait to see it. And now it's like, hey, I listen to every episode of the show. There's no chance you guys brought Malcolm, is there? It's like always depressing to be like, Next year, hopefully, unless I have to go to jail. Definitely. And then next week, I'm going to be in Vegas

for the 23rd or 29th opening of Eric Griffin. At the Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. There you go. You Vegas people that didn't catch him when we were there on... You guys gasped audibly at the name Eric Griffin. It was like, Vegas with Griffin. Yeah, man. Kill Tony. You guys gasped audibly at the name Eric Griffin. It was like, Vegas with Griffin.

Yeah, man. Kill Tony, man. Thank you, dog. Hell, yeah. It's all happening, Malcolm. And many more. We're going to try to get you on some of these dates on the road that we're going on. Everything else is good?

Yeah, everything good. You know, Jolly Rancher in my pocket, Cerejo in the back, still doing the same. What flavor? I love it. I absolutely love it. We also have a woman with the lay down shirt right here. She's right here. Look at that. Official lay down shirt right there.

Fuck yeah. Lay down real quick. Guys, anything for Malcolm? Malcolm, you got any plans for Vegas? Have you been before? Yeah, I went with Kill Tony. It was nice, yeah. Shit. Hang out, write material.

I don't gamble or no shit. Eat birthday cake, you know. Oh, yeah. Classic Las Vegas treat, birthday cake. Fuck with people. You do your Snapchat thing. Hell yeah. All right, Malcolm.

Well, you came out, you crushed, you did it again. There he is, Malcolm H Well, you came out, you crushed, you did it again. There he is, Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's go to the bucket again, shall we? Put your hands together for Antonio Baines. Antoine Baines. It's Antoine Baines. Antoine? No.

Okay. This is a very weird episode of the show. We might have to start having an employee watch sign-ups or something like that. This is bizarre. Put your hands together for Keon Pauly. Keon Pauly, everybody. Here he comes. I grew up with my father because he didn't want me to be a stereotype, which I thought was whack and selfish.

Because I didn't get to do stuff my friends got to do that had dads. Like, I never qualified for free lunch. You know what I mean? Because we had a two-parent income, I didn't like that shit. I never got to sleep in on the weekends because he was always waking us up at 630. I got to be in the house when the lights came on. My friends got to stay out and sell drugs. I never had drug money.

I was really jealous of that. You know, and then on weekends, he'd come wake us up. He'd be like, you need to get the hell up. I'm like, why? He's like, if I got to get up, everybody get to get up. I'm like, for what? He's like, why does he have to go to work and provide for his family? You get to lounge around all day.

I was like, because I am nine, my nigga. This is my job. This is what I do. He's like, why don't you start contributing around here? I said, shit, I'm trying to sell dope with my friends, but you won't let me. So here we are, bro. I'm like, get off my back, man. I'm glad he stayed, though, now, I guess.

Because I had a nerd brother. Raising a nerd is really hard because they're unpunishable. Because they don't care about shit. He told him no TV for a week. He was like, I don't care. I'll just read another book. And he just rolled out. And what are you going to do?

Tell a black kid he can't read? We fought for that. He has to let him read. So it's really hard to do shit like that. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Keon Poley. Thank you. shit like that. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Keon Poley. There you go. Fun set, man.

How's it going? Good, man. How are you? How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where are you from? The Bay Area. Where are you from? The Bay Area. Where? Oh, Antioch. Antioch. Yeah. Are you up there? I'm from Oakland. Oh, for real? What's up, bro?

I barely gave it to you for Antioch, up, bro? All right. We out here. I barely gave it to you for Antioch, but I will. We count. We share the same area code for a minute. Then they changed it. Then they changed it. I don't know what Antioch is, but I feel like you look like you're from Antioch, and he looks like he's from Oakland.

Facts. Facts. Facts. Fair enough. Very funny stuff, Keon. You live here? Yeah. How long have you lived in LA? Three years. Three years. And were you doing stand-upian. You live here? Yeah. How long have you lived in L.A.?

Three years. Three years. And were you doing stand-up in the Bay before that? Yeah. Okay, for five years? Yeah, and I was just dipping out. And you never knew that I was from up there and was from the Bay Area? No, I did not know that.

I fucking, I'm disgusted by you. Kian, you do this full-time? Yeah. You don't do any other jobs? Other than acting, no. Very cool. You act a lot? No.

I did one Google commercial and that's it. Nothing since you were Carlton, right? No. Do I look like him? Oh, that's just one of those we all look alike, right? That's what it is. No, no. I think you sort of look like Carlton.

I don't think so at all. A little bit. You have the same mustache goatee combo, I promise. I'm from an all black neighborhood. I don't think so at all. A little bit. You have the same mustache goatee combo, I promise. I'm from an all-black neighborhood. I don't think you all look alike. I think some of you look alike. So, Keyon,

what do you like about L.A. that's different from the Bay? My family from here. My mom and dad from L.A., so I've always liked L.A. What do you like to do for fun? What are some things that you do when you're not doing stand-up? I hang out with my kids. How many kids do you have?

I got two because my pull-out game is trash, bro. This is where we're at. Two back-to-back. Hopefully they'll be able to hear this podcast. Oh, father. Thank you. I like them now. You know?

When you say your pull-out game is trash, Oh, father. Thank you. I like them now, you know? Yeah. I hear you. When you say your pull-out game is trash, does it mean that you just don't pull out or that you pull out late or that you sort of pull out way too late? You know what? I don't even know if it was me because she's Puerto Rican, so it might be her. Her pull-out game was trash?

No, she's just Puerto Rican, so she's going to get pregnant regardless. Who thinks all people of the same race Are the same now? Definitely me So where did you do stand up up in the bay? You know Cobbs Punchline

Tommy T's How old are your kids? 11 months and 2 years old You see them a lot? Tommy T's. How old are your kids? 11 months and 2 years old. 11 months and 2 years old. You see them a lot? You hang out with them? I'm with them all day. I liked your stand-up.

You painted a really good picture of your relationship with your dad. He's a hard-working guy. Motivating you, being in your life. Your brother, the nerd. You painted a sitcom ready to happen. Appreciate it, man. Thank you. And now that the Carmichael show's off the air, very well, it could be a sitcom.

You should really think about making it. If they mess with me, yeah. Why not? Keon, what are you afraid of? What scares you? Loud colors at all? No, not at all. I do this. It used to be failure, but not no more. What happened?

Why did you stop caring about failure? Because what you're going to get is what you're going to get. It's going to happen. It's just a matter of when. What you're going to get is what you're going to get. Yeah, that's what I worried about. I believe I once heard that quote on the BET version of Forrest Gump. What you're going to get is what you gonna get.

Thank you, Jeremiah. My mother has that lower back tattoo. Hilarious. Well, Keon, I'll tell you what. I mean, you're funny. You got it all going for you. Anything else for Keon, guys? Oh, I like that. That's funny. Yeah, you got it all going for you. Anything else for Keon, guys? Oh, I like that.

That's funny. Yeah, you got it all going for you, man. I wish Hollywood would take notice. Well, you keep grinding and doing shows that you're fully qualified to kill in like this, and people will notice. I promise you that. This is the way to do it. You keep signing up.

You keep grinding. You keep doing it. Nurse Jeremiah, do you have something else? Barry Cassable and Nickelodeon. Yeah. I would say what Tony said, and the only thing that's missing in order to get noticed is to understand the history of where you're from

and the people, the legends that came before you. That's all. Other than that, I think you're good. There he goes. Keon Pooley, everybody. What do you guys think? One more time to the bucket? One last one? Let's go one more time, shall we? All right, here we go. I pulled a name out, and the name that I pulled out is Brandon Brian.

Brandon Brian. Here he comes. Brandon Brian. Very awkward jog to the stage. This should be interesting. One more time, your last comedian of the night, Brandon Bryan, everybody. Come on.

It's a lazy fucking crowd. In the words of the great Tony Hinchcliffe, fuck yeah. All right. All right, you guys ever get heads so good that after you come, you end up with CTE? Oh, just like a football player. Shit.

All right, no, I'm just kidding. I'm not getting a head like that. I'm 21 years old, been single my whole life, and I feel like it's because when you look up the definition of a friend zone in the dictionary, right here, I'm the definition of a five. Every reaction a girl has when they look at me is, he's not ugly, he's not cute, he's just, nah. I got some awes on that one. I have a couple questions about homeschool kids. How does the school shooting work? I got some awes on that one. I have a couple questions about homeschool kids. How does a school shooting work?

Wow. All right. Let's start off with... Let me start off with saying that, Brandon, I like you. I like you a lot. Nobody laughed harder at your jokes than you. That was a great technique to laugh

and then the audience knows it's going to be funny because he thinks it's funny. If it makes me laugh, I'm going to say it. He's already laughing. It's adorable. I think you're one of the funniest lesbian comedians we've ever had on this show. By far. You look like you eat tons of puss, dude. He looks like his name is Reese's Pieces.

You are what you eat. I had a hard time with your set. It was so self-deprecating. When you were saying you're not ugly, you're not cute, I was just like, this is so fucked up and bullshit. Dude, you're not ugly, you're not cute, I was just like, this is so fucked up and bullshit. Like, dude, you are ugly, and you have to live in the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes it. I think you should have opened with your closer, though. What was the closing joke? That was the best joke. Yeah, that was fun. It was memorable. What was the joke? You ever get a head so good that after you come in...

No, no, no. What did you close with? What did I say? That's it. Awesome, because you look so much like a school shooter, too. You're right. He should have opened with that. Yeah, you could put it on yourself. You could say that you look like a school shooter

that was homeschooled or something like that. Then you go, I killed my parents, everybody. But then whatever you do, don't laugh at yourself afterwards. Then no one will believe you. Nurse Jeremiah. He looks like a stand-in for an off-width... Never mind.

Brandon, I don't think you're that ugly of a guy. Did you dye your hair that color? I did. So why would you do that? Why'd you do that? Why would you do that to yourself? For punk, man. For punk.

You're sort of, for those of you listening to the podcast, you know, he has the look that all the people that I call lesbian sort of have, the chubby, likable facial features. But you are, you're sort of punky, you have the torn up jeans,

and then where you got a little bit chubbier, you wear the larger size t-shirt, you just sort of let it flap around. He looks like he's actually said out loud wake me up when September ends and why the Michael Richards shirt

why? by the way for those of you that didn't catch that Tom Rhodes asked why the Michael Richards shirt and Brandon said thank you I thought you said I like it I don't know I got it for free. It's not like you've got some racial slurs that are trying to come out. No, but I'm a big

fan of Seinfeld's. Brandon, you're 21. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Fifth. Fifth time ever. Give him a hand, everybody. Come on. You're 21 years old. You from LA? Huntington Beach. Huntington Beach. All right. That explains your

disconnect from the audience. Brandon, I don't think you're that ugly of a guy. What do you think is wrong with... What do you think happened to your confidence? You get turned down by girls or something like that? I guess. I don't know. Yeah. You ever talk to girls?

Not really. Let's talk about it. I think we can give Brandon a little psychological makeover here on Kill Tony. When I do talk to girls, it's like when you try to make a move, they're like, oh, he's trying to be like that. Like, oh, like, no, no, no. Can you give us an example of, like, how you made a move last time you made a move on a girl? Like, what was that like? You guys were talking about something, and you're like, well, maybe if I talk about this, maybe...

How did that go down? Come on, just tell the truth, Brandon. Nobody cares if you raped a girl. Tell us. Jesus Christ. I was hanging out with... ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.

The easiest way to hire. Go ahead. I guess the last time I was talking to a girl, we went out, we had drinks. Where at? Where did you have drinks at? We went to this place called BJ's. How long ago was this? This was two months ago. Two months ago. So you were already 21 years old.

You're at BJ's. Everything is going good. What are you guys talking about? What were some of the conversations? We used to be co-workers. Where did you guys work at? Just a small restaurant. Small restaurant. Okay, so there you are. You're in BJ's. You're talking. I remember the small restaurant we used to work at. Everything is going good. And then all of a sudden

you say... I didn't say anything. The name of this restaurant really makes me think. I thought it went well. I waited like two days to text her to hang out again, and then she just hit me with like the most bullshit excuse, so I was like. What was it?

She was, on a Tuesday, she was like, oh, I don't know, I think I have a group project to do this weekend. Bullshit, man. On a Tuesday? No, she said she had a group project to do for her class on a Saturday, but she already knew on a Tuesday.

That's bullshit. Why didn't you offer to help her? Tom Rhodes with the fucking perhaps the question of the night right there. I'm not trying to do someone's schoolwork. I got a suggestion for you. Are you on any dating apps or anything? No. That's the solution. You don't have

confidence enough to flirt with a girl because you don't think you're fuckable. And I'd fuck you, man. And you just go on Tinder and everybody that swipes whatever on you, well, you'll know already there's an established, they're down to at least talk to you as a romantic creature. Now you can text and have awkward interactions where your personality will make you unfuckable. You know what I'm saying? Right? I mean, that's the solution for this young person. Brandon, you went to BJ's with that girl,

but then you didn't try to... Your next move was texting her to hang out with her again. Have you ever hit on a girl face-to-face? Like just a random girl I don't know? Or maybe you knew her or you didn't know her. Have you ever told a girl face-to-face, like, hey, if you ever want to hang out or anything like that, or I think you're really pretty or anything? Not since, like, high school.

Not since, like, high school. How's your pull-out game? No, no, no, no, no. How's your pull-in game? He's like, I'm working on the pull-in part. Interesting. I'm working on the pull-in part. Interesting.

Brandon, you took the time to dye your hair blonde, and then you style it like you took a long nap today. I just wake up. I don't do anything to it. You just wake up, and you don't do anything to it. Very interesting. Very interesting way to go about it. Is that true? Really?

You got a little... All right. Brandon. You guys know this guy's got a dick on here? Brandon, over here. Brandon, stick with me. He just drew a dick on there. Yeah, there might be a dick on there, Brandon. Just relax.

This 21-year-old comes alive. There's a dick drawing. I'm a nurse that draws dicks. Is there a problem with that? No. Alright, Brandon. So you've done stand-up comedy five times. What else? What's it like being a 21-year-old from Huntington Beach?

Do you think you have any advice for us? Advice for you? Yeah. Do you have wealthy parents? Yeah. You're from Huntington Beach? No, no, no. That hesitation said it all.

Your dad's a dentist? No. What's your dad do? He sells, like, shrubs and trees commercially. He sells shrubs? One of his clients is Irvine Company. He'll sell the plants to them. Wow.

Hell yeah. Maybe you're too rich to relate to the people. Brandon, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies? You skateboard? I used to. What happened? You retired?

21 years old. What do you mean you used to? Well, like in middle school, I used to. What happened? You retired? 21 years old. What do you mean you used to? Well, like in middle school, I used to. What do you do now? I go to a lot of rap shows. Rap shows? Ah, okay. Now we're talking. Starting to figure it out. You ever do any rap yourself? Fuck no. No?

Who's your favorite rapper? Of all time, Young Thug. Of all time? Of all time, Young Thug. Of all time? Of all time, Young Thug? Of all time? A guy that hit four years ago. That's what I would say. You talking golden age of hip-hop?

Yeah. Then I'm going to have to go with Lil Yachty. Yeah. Oh, my God. Your rap name could be Peanut Eminem. Peanut Eminem from Chroma Chris Him and Reese's Pieces Could tour together

You look like you ate all the miles Does that work? Miles Brandon, have you ever rapped yourself? Do you ever do any freestyle rapping? No You've seen Young Thug, who else have you seen? Doesn't matter, let me ask you this

Craziest thing you've ever seen at a rap concert? Oh, I went to a show at the Roxy. Black people. Go ahead, Brandon. I went to a show at the Roxy. I see one of my other favorite artists, Denzel Curry. Denzel Curry. I got a concussion because someone

stage dove and they kicked me in the head. I didn't know I had a concussion. I didn't know I had a concussion until about halfway driving home. What is it with guys shaped like you getting hurt from people stage diving at concerts? I didn't know I had a concussion. You look uncomfortable. You look cozy to land on. So I didn't know I had a concussion until I was about halfway home,

and my friend was sleeping, and we live in Orange County, so about a 45-minute drive. So I sped home, and I realized I had a concussion, and I started throwing up everywhere. And then I didn't realize that you're not supposed to sleep when you have a concussion, so I went up to bed immediately. And then I woke up, and the next day I was pretty foggy. Yeah, no, you're still pretty foggy.

The symptoms have not gone away. What's your favorite Young Thug lyric? What's one of the most insightful lyrics that Young Thug brings to the table? When the cops come, I got that crack in my crack. Wait, I got that breck in my breck. Uh-huh, yeah, wow. Holy shit. Wow, that is beautiful.

So, man. He sounds like an older thug with that kind of wisdom, you know? You're scaring me a little bit. It's just staring at me like that. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else I could possibly, how I possibly could put a ribbon

on this interview. That's what that stare is. You're 21 years old. So I guess what I want to know is, like, I mean, is there anything that you think that we should know about 21-year-olds nowadays? Like, is there anything with you guys coming up? Yeah, where do you guys have your crack? Is it in your bracket or somewhere else? Yeah, that is another thing I was thinking when you said that lyric.

It's like, how do you relate to these things? Do you have anything in common? The way he said it just sounded so, like... You ever do drugs? Smoked a little weed. Smoked a little weed. You ever carry a gun? No. Should we really just, like, rap for the music, the lyrics? Yes. Smoked a little weed You ever carry a gun? No

She really just rapped for the music The lyrics, the beat The everything The message Crack of my crack, brack of my brack The way it sounded Sounded better than the way I said it Interesting

You ever have sex with a girl? No What's the furthest you've gotten with a girl? Blowjob It's pretty cool you have the confidence to just say no With such bravado Shit It's a new guy

I think that was cool You know what, you're 21, you're gonna have sex Don't worry about it Who wants to watch Brandon have sex with a girl here tonight on this stage? Is Jen Murphy here? All right. You got a blowjob. How did that go down?

When was that? High school? After high school? Yeah, I was like, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck. Alright, Brandon. Do you have a job? I do.

What do you do? Server. It's like a fast casual restaurant. So you got some money? You ever heard of sex workers? I'm not kidding. I think you should lose your virginity. I think you'd gain a big boost of confidence. Find yourself a supportive sex worker that can take you to that next level, and you'll find yourself fucking people

all by yourself very soon. Get on Tinder after you find a sex worker that can turn you from a rat boy to a rat man, from a young thug to an old thug. You still live with your parents? I do. And so are you saving money? Is that something you want to do is get out of there?

Yeah, I'm in school right now. What are you studying in school? My major is communications. Majoring in communications. Just like Young Thug. Wow. For a guy that's never come, you're into communications. That's about as far as it gets with you.

So I don't really understand. I feel like there's something missing. If you had to tell me something that you think is the most interesting fact about you, what would it be? Like something that you've done, maybe a special skill or talent that you have, something like that? Really nothing, huh? You live with your parents. You don't even, you just roll right out of bed.

You just go about your day. You serve tables sometimes. You go to rap concerts. You don't really care whether you get laid or not. You don't give a fuck. And that's pretty much your whole life. Yeah, there you go. What are some other goals that you want to accomplish?

Well, my biggest fear, you asked someone else that question, is to be stuck in what's like the abyss of working like a nine to five, just being miserable all day. That's my biggest fear. It's just like being miserable, not doing something that I like. I don't know. Typical Huntington Beach bullshit to me. You ever think about going into the shrubbery business

after your death? No. I'm the worst salesman of all time. He fucking set up a life for you in Huntington Beach. What's wrong with that? You seem like you probably have a giant bush. I'm running out of everything with this guy. Normally I never spend 15 minutes on one person

But I'm trying to get the fuck out of here And I don't know how to do it with you Brandon Anybody have any ideas? Anybody just want to light the fire on stage? What's your favorite category of porn? That's not gonna help Oh yeah good What are your porn search words?

You don't fuck with porn? Not that often Young fuck You're not horny? No I am but like I don't know So what do you masturbate? Pretty average and normal stuff You don't masturbate? Pretty average, normal stuff.

You don't masturbate? No, I do. How often? So if you don't use porn, then what do you use? No, I do. ZipRecruiter. We got to get out of here. We got to get out of here.

Brandon Bryan, get us out of here. Oh, my God. Great episode. Very interesting highs and lows on this one. Thank you to Ryan J. Ebel for this amazing drawing. The drawing's on point. Ryan J. Ebel never phones it in. All those prints are available at ryanjebel.com, including the posters. You can catch, how about you make some noise for the great Tom Rhodes, everybody. You can catch him at Zaney's. September 14th through the 16th, West Nyack, New York,

August 20th through September 2nd. And that's right. The Atlanta Punchline. That's September 27th through the 30th. And one more time for the great Moshe Kesher, everybody. Get tickets for Tom Rhodes at tomrodes.net. Mos time for the great Moshe Kesher, everybody. Get tickets for Tom Rhodes at tomrodes.net.

Moshe Kesher is moshekesher.com. He's in Salt Lake City, July 17th and 18th. He's at Comic-Con this weekend. So if you're listening from San Diego, race immediately to Comic-Con and go see him. August 9th through the 11th, he's at the Punchline in Sacramento. He's also going to be in Montreal with this entire crazy crew the week after this one. Go check out the Honeymoon special with him

and his amazing, lovely wife, Natasha Leggero on Netflix, streaming now. That's all available at mushakesher.com, tomrodes.net for him. And catch us, Montreal, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Lexington, Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, and Toronto.

All have Kiltonis coming up with them. Live audience, thank you so much. We love you guys. See you guys. Have a great night. I'm free to do what I want To do what I want Any old time I'm free

To be what I choose To get my blues Any old time I say Love me Hold me Love me Hold me

Cause I'm free Do you want a bad say? That was great. Thank you. Amen. Thank you.