KILL TONY - KILL TONY #282 (CLEVELAND)

Episode Date: August 8, 2018

Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins - Date: 07/30/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes. You can even click on tour dates to come see

us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store at 8pm, but we're also going on the road. We are going to be in Nashville, Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan, and Toronto, and a bunch of other shows.

So just click on Tour Dates at DeathSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, and you can check out his other tour dates. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And you can check out his other tour dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to ShopSquad.tv if you want to get the new Kill Tony t-shirt or any of the Death Squad merchandise like

mugs and hats and stuff like that. to shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from cleveland ohio at hilarities get it up for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Henshclin. Hello, Cleveland. This is our first ever live podcast here. First ever Kill Tony live in Cleveland. We're the number one live podcast in the world.

Are you guys excited or what? I have a bucket filled with Ohioans names and a show where absolutely anything can happen. I'm an Ohioan, and so is this guy right here. It's Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? OH! We are excited to be back in the homeland of Wendy's and Donato's.

Oh, Donato's. We flew in. We landed at 615. We rushed here, set it up, and we're excited to go. You guys excited too? Yeah. Bunch more fun. Kill Tony's on the road coming up.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Detroit, Lansing, Grand Rapids. Toronto. Toronto. A bunch of Texas. Toronto's a big one. Fort Worth, Dallas, Austin, Houston. And there's Texas. Toronto's a big one. Fort Worth. Dallas. Austin.

Houston. And there's one more stretch that I'm forgetting. Nashville next Sunday after we do a weekend in Lexington. Wow. So it never ends. So if you're listening to this right now, you want to be part of it. Because listen to how happy these people are, right? Make some noise, people.

Live at Hilarity's on 4th Street in the heart of it all, of the heart of it all, this is Kill Tony. And I'm very excited tonight. We're going guestless tonight because we're fucking rebels. That's how we do it on the road. But in order to overcompensate for that a little bit, we brought a couple friends with us that you may know. How many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there?

Then I think you're going to be pretty excited. We have a band on this show and every single episode they commit to doing different characters and they stay in character throughout the episode. On Monday, two nights ago,

they were private detectives. Racist ones. It was a five-year anniversary. Jeremiah was Joe Rogan, and Joel Jimenez was me. You never know what's going to happen. We're very excited about tonight's

band, because they are what I would consider the core of the Kill Tony band. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the funniest human beings on the fucking planet. We brought them all the way from LA with us today. Make some noise for the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land.

It is Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Oh, snap. They brought the whole fucking crew. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We've seen these guys before. Oh, look at that.

Revealing the drum set. That's a motherfucking drum set. Joel Berg is in the house on one of his first ever roadkill Tonys. This is a big trip for Californian Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And clearly you guys are douchebags, right? Yeah, what's up, dude? Joel Berg, how's it going? You Yo, what's up, dude?

Joelberg, how's it going? You're in Ohio. Yeah, dude. Happy to be here, Tony. A Mexican Californian in Ohio. That's the song you hear right before you get deported. We'll find out. I am very excited about this.

We have the band here. Jeremiah, how you feeling? Dude, about to get some pussy later. We'll watch you, dude. Ha ha ha. You are as douchey as it gets, indeed. Any other big plans while you're here in Cleveland? More pussy.

Ha ha ha. Well, I love it. I'm excited that we're going to get to hang out with these douchebags this entire episode of this show. I'm pumped as hell. We have an entire bucket filled with comedians' names. Really thin slices. Really thin slice tonight.

That's pretty exciting. It looks like linguine in there. If I pull your name out, that's how the show works. You get 60 uninterrupted seconds to try to make these people laugh. At the end of that 60 seconds, you're going to hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa, furious. He sounds like he's from Youngstown. Furious, tough bear. So that's how it goes. And then we interview you and find out more about you.

Maybe what else is interesting about your life or if you have any special skills or talents or anything like that. You guys ready for this? Cleveland, you're gonna have to do a little bit better than that. It's Kill Tony live from the birthplace of rock and roll.

Cleveland, Ohio. And here we go. It's going to go a little bit something like this. Look at this piece of paper. I should have known shit was going to get weird. And here we go. This could be a veteran. This could be one of the top comedians in Cleveland. This could be someone doing it for the first time. We're going to experience together. 60 uninterrupted seconds goes to Francis Nero. Or Frank Nero.

Frank, I read it wrong. It's Frank Nero. Here he comes. Seems confident. Cleveland! Hilarities. This is like a dream come true for me. How are you guys doing tonight? Alright. I did not want to go first. Jesus Christ. This is actually my first time doing stand-up. I'm really excited about it.

I did perform comedy one time before in my life, but I don't count it for two reasons. One, I was 10 years old and it was during a school talent show, so it's not really performing stand-up, right? But the other reason, the main reason I don't count it is because I did not perform my own bit. I performed a bit written and originally performed by Bill Cosby. Yeah, that home video is not aged well, let me tell you. It's not something you want your mom breaking out when you bring your girl home. Like, shall we show you how funny Frankie was when he was young? No, don't. God damn it. Here we go. We didn't know that he was a rapist back then. I don't know. He was still, stop covering your drink. Don't be be ridiculous so i was over my parents recently uh does any of his parents have their uh that photo uh frame with all your school pic

all right there he is can i finish spent his uh 60 seconds talking about a different time that he bombed on stage he had a full chance at redemption there, and you talked about the past. Douchebag, you look like you have something to say. Dude, is it just me, or does this dude look like a total bitch, dude? Frank, you are already clearly on a path to being the next Carlos Mencia.

A Cosby bit of all the bits. Which one was it? It was the one with God talking to Noah. And what made you want to do that? I don't know, man. I was 10 years old. I just wanted to get up. Oh, you were 10 years old.

I missed that part. Oh, look at that. How old are you now? I'm turning 28 this month. 28. You don't look a day over 42. Frank, what do you do for work? I'm an accountant.

An accountant. I knew he was a bitch, dude. Who are you accounting for? I don't know if I could say. Ooh, wow. It's a CPA firm on the east side of Cleveland. I bet it is. So, have you ever done stand-up since you were 10?

No, this is my first time. This is your first time since you were 10? Yes. And when you were 10, you did a cosplay. Okie dokie. That's, yes, indeed. Brian has the comedic timing of a 9-11 bomber. I didn't know it was going to be that loud.

Jesus. So this is your first time. Dwayne, do you listen to this show? I do, yeah. And you were excited to perform here tonight? I was, yeah. So I've probably been listening for about a year. And then I think like four or five months ago,

I started just kind of like jotting down funny thoughts that may have come to my head. And then when you announced... Why didn't you do those tonight? Yeah, did you lose that list? I did, yeah. But no, and then you announced you were coming to cleveland and i bought tickets like literally the day that they came out because i was like if i'm gonna do stand for the first time i'm gonna try to do it i'm the number one live

podcast in the world with one of the top young rising comedians today so well there you go i you know what frank since you said that i liked your set tonight thank you it's very very funny very good i know how to win you over It was very, very funny, very good. I know how to win you over. What was the next thing you were going to talk about? I'm interested to hear. So that was actually one of the first things that I kind of wrote when I started. Yeah, just say it.

You don't have to tell us that you wrote it down. We get that part. So, no, I was going to say picture frame of, like, you know, all your school pictures from, like, kindergarten all the way to your – it's,'s like in a circle all the way to your senior year of high school in the middle and I was gonna say I don't like that because like I know I'm not a good looking guy now but I was a cute kid so it sucks to see me devolve over time like something happened where I went from hey I think you're cute to hey I think we should just be friends what what else did you write down Frank I'm gonna try to give you a try to give you some more shots at victory here.

I never really do this, but I feel like you might have something. Sure, what else do you got there? Let's see. What are these, texts from other people? Oh, my God, look at those. It's all paragraph form. Oh, geez, there's the first bit. Do you have anything short there?

The advantage of glasses, you can look contemplative, like take them off and be like whatever, and then you can't do that with contacts. I can't just rip it out of my eye. See, these are just thoughts. I bet you are one hell of an accountant. I'll tell you that. You really do comedy by the numbers, Frank.

What else do you do? What do you do for fun? You look like you coach a high school football team no um i don't know i just work out um play guitar would you like to join the pandas the douchebag tonight yeah position is filled uh i don't know work out play guitar hang out my girlfriend go see my family you know hell yeah just out. That's what you do for fun is hang out with your family. That's one of your working out and hanging out with your family. There you go.

Just keep repeating it back to him, Brian. Working out, hanging out with your family. Okay. Go out around Cleveland. There's a ton of stuff to do around here. Go out to bars on the weekends with my friends. Go on hikes, whatever. Hikes.

What kind of hikes do you go on in Cleveland? Through the metro parks. I don't know. So it's more of a nature walk. I don't know, man. Nature walk. Fuck, man. You're really something else, Frank. I punch vending machines and play laser tag so I can relay, dude.

Man, Frank, you have a girlfriend? I do, yeah. How long have you two been together? Wait, what? Boo. A little over a year. A little over a year. Where'd you meet her?

Tinder. Whoa, Tinder. What's your profile on Tinder say? I like to crunch numbers and work out. Yeah, basically, yeah. What does she do? She's also an accountant. Oh, my God.

Have you guys ever done anything other than the missionary position? 69, dude. Yeah. Jeremiah Watkins. Accountant sex. Fuck yeah. 69 all day

Yeah dude First date you guys went on Where'd you go? First date we just met for a drink The break room You went for a drink? We went for a drink at a bar What kind of drink did you have?

You seemed like you'd have a scotch, neat No I had a beer probably Beer This is Ohio they'd have a scotch neat. No, I had a beer probably. I don't know. Beer. This is Ohio. They don't do scotch neat. Yeah, that's right. Man, do you remember what she had? She also had a beer. Wow, look at you two. She's a big beer drinker. A big beer drinker?

Is she a big beer drinker or is she larger size than she drinks beer? Yeah, does she spot you at the gym, bro, Or what, dude? She's definitely not big, big, but... Is she with you here tonight? She's right over there, yeah. How'd you land that, dude?

Not bad, not bad. All right, Frank. Well, your last name's Nero. Are you Italian? I am, yeah. Yeah, your parents... 100%. Your parents make a good pasta sauce? The best, yeah.

The best. I highly doubt that. My 72-year-old mom is out there somewhere in the audience. She will kill you, sir. I'm coming back tomorrow. You want me to bring you a jar of sauce? Oh, yeah. Sauce off.

Yeah. Tony, this guy looks like if Pitbull was a substitute teacher. Oh, the chants have begun in the home birthplace of rock and roll. Alright, Frank, we're gonna keep it moving along. This was a fun interview. Your set was okay.

There he goes, Frank Nero. He's got a firm handshake, this guy. Playing a little Cleveland Rocks over there. Look at that. Look what Jeremiah learned for one night only. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys get it?

You having fun yet? All right. Put your hands together for Lucas Mattaus. Lucas Mattoes. Everybody's sort of shitty handwriting here. Here comes Lucas, everybody. Come on, make some noise for him. Oh, what's up, guys?

I just want to be from a broken home. Right? Everybody I knew growing up was from a broken home they were a lot cooler than I was you know they smoked first, they drank first you know they got fingered first all the good shit I was adopted though

so I kind of have a little weird thing about me my parents they have a kid before me so I have a third biological son about me. My parents, they have a kid before me, so I have their biological son. They do love him more than they love me. I mean, let's be real. I'm used, you know. It's like a used PlayStation, right?

You get it, it's cool. Doesn't come with a box, doesn't come with instructions. Who fucking cares, you know? I have a sister, too. She's adopted. We're both from Columbia. We're not blood related or anything like that. I would definitely have sex with her.

I could. I could fuck my whole family, right? And it would be fine. Genetically. If we had kids, they wouldn't come out with their eyes far apart or anything like that. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

I'm Lucas Mateos. There you go. Lucas. Lucas Mateos? Mateos. Mateos. Yes. That's the last name of the family that adopted you?

No, that was my last name when I was born. Oh, so you don't even know the Mateuses, huh? I don't. I do know a little excerpt about my mother. That's it. You read an excerpt? Yeah. What did the excerpt say?

It said that she was from a village outside of Bogota, Colombia, and she had a kid six years before me, so I have a half-brother somewhere. Where did you read this excerpt at? My adoptive parents had a, like a... Fortune cookie? Yes. Yeah, Spanish fortune cookie.

Dude, I would say something to this dude, but I'm freaking terrified right now, dude. Yeah, it's weird you're Colombian because you look like if Hitler was a skateboarder. Hell yeah. Wow. Jolbert's on fire. All right, I've never seen a dude dress like mustard and relish before.

There you go. Oh. For those of you listening to the podcast, he is wearing green cargo pants and a yellow extra large starter t-shirt with the starter logo and the extra large tag extra large. It is very impressive. It's something that I haven't seen since I was back in Ohio. Welcome back. Shoes on point. Shoes are on point, according to Red Band.

Yes. Lucas, what do you do for work? I work at a grocery store. Yeah, what do you do at the grocery store? I work in the back. In the back? What are you doing in the back of the grocery store? Do you sell weed behind a grocery store?

Dude, they always ask me if I want bags there, and I'm always like, nah, dude, I'm going to raw dog it. in the back of the grocery store. Do you sell weed behind a grocery store? Dude, they always ask me if I want bags there, and I'm always like, nah, dude, I'm gonna raw dog it. Is it a giant eagle? No, I used to work there, though. That was my first job. The first job I ever had was at a giant eagle. Pushing carts?

I was down in Ohio. I was pushing carts, bagging groceries on my 16th birthday. My work ethic began there. From the giant eagle to the giant ego. Oh, this motherfucker. Holy shit. Wow, somebody put out the fire over there. My God, the horse of truth is out.

Jesus, everybody's ganging up on me. The douche is strong with this one. So Lucas, do you really ever think about having sex with your sister? I mean, I've thought about it, but I'm not attracted to her. You want to put it in the back of her grocery store, don't you?

Fuck yeah. You want to stop those shelves. Nice. Lucas, how old are you? 32. 32, fuck yeah. You've done stand-up before? Yeah.

You do it a lot here in Cleveland? I'm from Columbus. From Columbus. Did you come up for this? Yeah. You drove up for this specifically? Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's awesome.

Funny bone? Is that what you do out there? I mean, I don't get up there because I'm not good enough, but, you know, yeah, I go there for open mics and stuff. When you say you're not good enough, is this your birth parents that told you this, or the original parents? My dad told me for the first time he was proud of me

when he saw me do stand-up for the first time. Really? The dad that adopted you? Yeah. Damn, that took him a while, huh? How old were you when you started stand-up? Like a year ago. So 31. Yeah.

And he told you he was proud of you. Before that, he's just like, God damn it, I adopted you from Bo-Ka-Tah, and all you want to do is work in a goddamn grocery store. Drink big. All right. So what do you do for fun? Smoke pot?

Oh yeah. What else? Not a whole lot. I used to do music, but I kind of gave that up. Gave it up? Yeah. What did you do musically? I was like a singer in punk bands.

Pretty embarrassing. Really? Really? Can you give us a little example of like one of your verses or something like that? I think these people would love to hear it. I kind of forget some of my songs.

I mean, do you guys know anything? Covers? Yeah, I know all of the punk songs on saxophone. Is it like a ska thing? I don't know. Just go for it. Joel will follow your lead. Do you want me to scream it? Is that okay?

Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Wow, that's really punk. Is that okay if I scream? I don't want to break anything. I'd be like, I'd be like, I'm a stalker! I'm a stalker! I'm not a stalker!

Seriously, respect my authority. This is great. A little something from the South Park episodes. As performed by Steve Lemme from Super Troopers. Dude,

that's my favorite band. Cartman and the Unloved Sons, dude. Well, that's a lot of fun, Lucas. So, you used to sing in a punk band. What was the name of your band? I've been in a few. The last one I was in was called The Nukes.

The Nukes? Yeah. I lived in Chicago at the time, so it's not like an Ohio thing. Sorry, guys. There you go. So there you go. But now you don't do any music at all, huh? No, I kind of lost interest in it.

I'm surprised that your dad never told you that he was proud of you singing like you do. He never came to that shit. He never came to that. He likes Rascal Flatts. Oh, yeah. Listen to the boos of the crowd. All right, Lucas. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

You seem like you'd be really good at cooking stuff on a spoon or something like that. Twitching. No, I can draw. You can what? I can draw. You can what? I can draw. You know what? Why don't you go draw tonight's episode, and at the end we'll take a look at it like we do with Ryan J. E. Belt.

There he goes. Lucas Mateus, everybody. Hey, fuck yeah. Handshakes all the way around tonight. He's on Twitter at BloodXShower. And I forgot to mention that... BloodXShower. Yes.

BloodXShower. And Frank Nero is FNeroS3? 53. Of course, you fucking accountant. All right. Keeping the fun train moving along let's just keep dude math then meth we heard the show's doing good so far yeah who knows what will happen next oh i like one word names you guys like one word names

always interesting put your hands together for the one the only henry yes i think they're going to. Hello, my name's Henry. I sell tickets in a box office. That's my job. On my very first day, my manager said, Henry, you better never come into work high because I'll know. I said, well, you're doing a pretty shitty job right now then because I'm stoned.

Went to a minor league baseball game high. Have you guys ever been high during the national anthem? It's like super long. I even thought about taking a knee at one point. I was like, I got to chill out on this, you know. This is going okay. I'm the youngest of seven siblings and I have six older sisters. Once at a young age, my sisters dressed me up inappropriately, then had a provocative photo shoot, then got those pictures developed. So now there's just some hard copies at my mom's house. My family threatens me too with them. They'll say, oh, you don't want us to get the

pictures of Henrietta out. Now do you? I'm like, no, because you guys would go to jail if we got those out. It's illegal to put a little boy in lace and high heels and keep pictures of it for 15 years. Thank you. There you go. Henry coming in, showing how it's done. Look at that. How's it going, bud? That was great, man. That was a great set. 60 seconds, multiple jokes. How long have you been on stand-up? Seven years. Seven years.

You're based out of here in Cleveland? No, I actually work at the Funny Bone with Lucas. Oh. And I also thought he was a serial killer for the first four months I knew him, for sure. How long have you worked at the Funny Bone? Like a year now. That's awesome, man.

That's probably the biggest comedy club here in Ohio, other than Hilarities, of course. This is like way different than that, for sure. I love Hilarities, and I don't love the Funny Bone. And I get enough work and get to pick and choose where I perform enough that I can say that on this podcast. I love every comedy club. Yes. Brian for some reason adores the Funny Bone. Except flappers.

Oh wow. Way to throw the completely unknown comedy club under the bus there Brian. Yes. So Henry you've been doing it for seven years. You've been at the Funny Bone for one. Are you originally from Columbus? No, I'm from Southern Ohio More Southern than Columbus

Yeah, like the point of Ohio Basically Kentucky, unfortunately Very good Sir, you don't need to say anything for the rest of the episode Very good We really, I don't know if you think maybe you're the guest Because you're closest to the table But I promise you're not

Shut the fuck up I know A dude dressed like that? Fucking idiots, man I promise you're not. Shut the fuck up. I know. I do dress like that? Fucking idiots, man. I knew there was going to be a couple. I didn't realize I'd be right fucking next to one. Oh, your ringtone's going off. And by next to one,

I mean surrounded by them, obviously. Jesus, fuck. So, Henry, you've been doing stand-up for seven years, and you're based out of Columbus. Now, that's an interesting thing. You ever think about moving to Chicago or New York City? Or do you only have a good 60 seconds? No, probably. But I've thought about moving recently, but I don't know.

I just feel like there's a bunch of just— What's keeping you there? I mean, I feel like everywhere you go, there's just white dudes with beards. So I'm like, here's another one, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. And that's why I encouraged Louis C.K. to retire, you know? And it actually worked. Yeah, there's white dudes with beards everywhere, but they're not all, you know, necessarily funny, Henry. And by the way, you know you can shave. Thought about it. Yeah, I mean, what's the best spot? I mean, I've heard like good stuff

about D.C., Chicago. No, D.C.'s bad. Yep. Maybe the ones I mentioned. Chicago, New York, LA. Cool, cool, cool. My bad. Sorry. Yes. Yeah. You would move from Cleveland to D.C.? That's where you're really taking baby steps here, Henry. Okay, yeah. One guy told me D.C. is the place to go. If you want to make it big in the comedy business,

go to the governmental center of the United States of America. Fuck yeah. Okay, so. Henry, why do you only go by Henry? Because I went to the comedy store one time to watch you guys. In L.A.? Yeah, for like a day. In January,

we were there for, we went to like Vegas for my mom's birthday and then me and my girlfriend flew out just for a day for the show and like signed up. Kill Tony.

Yeah. We went to Kill Tony. For sure, yeah. And it was even the episode with the dude ate the chip and we were like two rows in and you were like, we're going to just,

somebody raise your hand to eat this chip. My girlfriend was like, you fucking bitch, raise your hand. And like you looked at me like, are you going to do it? And I was like, why can't someone raise their hand, you know? And girlfriend was like you fucking bitch raise your hand and like you looked at me like are you gonna do it and i was like fucking someone raise their hand you know and then i didn't do it but um wow i wish that story was better so close to being on a keltoni episode in la and having a good minute and instead you do things like consider moving to

washington dc so close henry does your girlfriend call you a bitch a lot? It happens sometimes I feel like it's even though Jeremiah? Does anybody ever tell you you look like Metrosexual Captain America? No, never You look like Metrosexual Captain America I actually had someone tell me

I was a douche for the first time yesterday What dude? I'm not a bad thing I'm just missing from your bro over What, dude? I'm not a bad thing. I'm just saying. Okay, dude. I'm freaking seeing it. When did the person call you a douche? Last night, actually. I was doing, like, gonna go over, like, my minute or whatever. Me and my friend got super... What? You just all said a sentence

in one word. Oh, sorry. We were gonna go over, like, the minute that I was gonna do. Oh, okay. Went to an open mic and, like, smoked a lot and it didn't go well or whatever, but I was like, it'll be better then. My friend was like, dude, you kind of remind me of Dane Cook. I was like, he's a super big douche. Why would you say that? Don't talk about Dane like that, dude.

They just compare me to other people. I'm like, the douches are starting to increase. I was like, I think I might just be a douche now, you know? Man. Dude, you could never be a douche. I don't know if I like the people you're hanging out with, Henry. What about you reminded him of Dane Cook? I don't understand.

I didn't really either. He was probably also high and probably a little drunk. But I feel like he just really meant it sincerely. And I was like, I don't really see the comparison. He probably thought that was a good thing. That's the only comedian that he knew that kicked ass. If somebody that I'm hanging out with thinks that the best compliment is Dane

Cook, then I'm hanging out with the wrong people. You're right. You need to hang out with the circle that you have is very vicious. It's time for you to go outside of that vicious circle and find new people. Alright, Henry.

This is actually quite incredible. I'm very surprised at how funny you are. I love that you made the drive up here. Congratulations. We're doing another one of these on Friday night in Cincinnati if you feel like making another hike. For real? Alright, Yeah, for sure.

There you go. There he goes, everybody. Henry. He's on Twitter at the Henry Allen. That's how a good minute goes. We're just giving handshakes away. If I could please have a tub of hand sanitizer that I could just dip it in, I would love that. Good God.

Good. My hand smells like the 71 North. Alright. Pulled another one out. Put your hands together for Joe Schaefer. Here he comes. Very casually, out of nowhere. Joe Schaefer, everybody.

Give it up for Paul Walker, guys. I didn't know he wasn't dead. That was awesome. Guy looks like Paul Walker. Henry, Paul Walker, whatever. Guy recently introduced himself to me as 8 Mile. I didn't know what to say to that. It put me in a weird situation.

Do I ask, why do they call you 8 Mile? Or risk traveling down that road or just let this guy try to fuck my girlfriend for an hour while we play darts and call him eight mile to his face so I just did that instead. I look like the guy that tries to break up a fight between two people and gets beaten up by both of them. I look like Ryan Gosling if he was a lesbian in mid-transition. I just recently learned how to tell time.

That's not a joke. I own one watch and I'm stupid. And that's it. Alright. Very charismatic beginning and end there. So that was interesting, Joe. Seems like halfway through you just tried to start making fun of yourself

to beat us to the punches of what we were going to say. I take the eight-mile approach. I have a weak chin. So, Joe, let's talk about it. When you made the joke about Paul Walker, you were talking about the guy that was on before you, right? Yeah. Okay, very good. Just making sure you're not taking shots at the throne.

No. I was just thinking the whole time I was sitting there that he looked like Paul Walker and nobody said it. So I was just kind of waiting for it. Wait, what's that bandage around your wrist? I fell Jeremiah style and broke my arm. You fell Jeremiah style? You were on a skateboard? No, I just fell with outstretched arms and tried to brace myself.

I was playing basketball. Whoa, you're making me look like a bitch, dude. Radial head fracture is what it's most commonly called. No, you're a bowler, dude. Admit it. Joe, did you try to iron your shirt with a fucking brick? What exactly happened? I actually had it look nice, but I drove two hours here, so it got all wrinkled on the way.

Everybody that's been up so far has driven two hours to be here. I came from Pittsburgh. You came all the way from Pittsburgh. Wow. I was born in Youngstown. I was born in Young from Pittsburgh. Wow. I was born in Youngstown. I was born in Youngstown. Really? You were born...

Wow. Listen to the Hinchcliffs out there. You were born at what? St. Elizabeth's? Yep. Wow. Look at that. Just like me.

It's amazing how different two senses of humors can get when you're born in the same hospital. How old are you, Joe? I just turned 29. 29. And you live in Pittsburgh? Cranberry. It's called Cranberry Township. Wow. I was trying to not say that. Do you have to let it linger? I look like the dude that lives in a place called Cranberry.

Do you have a freaking UTI, dude? Actually, I live in Cranberry. I was trying to not say it. By the way, you just keep winding up the cord the more nervous you get, Joe. I don't know what's going on. You're about to pull it out of the wall. Honestly, this goes back to old vocalist days. I don't know.

When I was in a band, it was just kind of like my mood. Joe, you don't have to explain yourself. Just let the laughs die down, and then I'll keep going. That's my move. It makes me feel comfortable. You've got to make spider webs and stuff like that. What kind of band were you in, dude? I was in like a hardcore band back in the day.

Really? You were in a band? Yeah. What did you do in a band? I did vocals. Just vocals? Yeah. Can you give us an example?

Absolutely not. Yeah, you can. No, man. I mean, I do play drums. I was hoping for a drum off, but I broke my arm. You're saying that you can't do the drum off because you broke your arm? Yeah. I mean, you're full of excuses, dude.

I can go lefty, but there's only, you know, it's missing a couple things. Joe, you are made of excuses. I tell you, your shirt's wrinkled. You said that you drove from Pittsburgh. That's right, man. I was thinking the whole time I was trying to adjust my seatbelt and it just kept wrinkling it up. Stop. Stop with your explanations after every question.

There's a reason for everything. You just did it again. Joe, what do you do for a living? Recently, I just became an Uber driver, actually. You're an Uber driver. I'm in the Uber game. Yeah, you do that with one arm. I had to actually take a couple weeks off. Put the cables down, man. Come on, what the fuck?

I had to take a couple weeks off because I broke my arm and then I hurt this wrist so I couldn't drive. Wow, look at you. What did you do before you drove Uber? I served. Wait, wait, you said you hurt that arm and then you hurt your other wrist. No, both at the same time. I fell extending to try to catch myself

playing basketball. I thought you hurt this arm and then you started jerking it too much with the left one. Hurt the wrist. Wristy business. Two sprained wrists, one broken arm. Same time. Your parents still live in Youngstown? No, no. They live in Pittsburgh too? My dad

lives in a place called Zeelynople, which is near Cranberry. What the fuck? Itople, which is near Cranberry. What the fuck? It's like 10 miles from Cranberry. Is someone paying you $500 every time you say Cranberry? Zealienople is what it's called. Do your parents get divorced?

No, my mom passed away, so it's just my dad. Was she part of this fall that happened on the basketball court? No, she passed away on Halloween, actually. On Halloween? On Halloween. Was it Michael Myers or something like that?

No. No? What happened? She was sick. Sick. All right. Yep. Yep.

You say sick like she had a common cold or something like that. All right. It was the big C. Oh, she was a cunt. This guy gets it, dude. All right, Joe. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've never done stand-up. You've never done stand-up.

There you go. Just a fan. Strove out. Hell yeah. He's never done stand-up, and he still hasn't. No. But he doesn't do stand-up, but he can fall down. Absolutely.

Well, Joe, you popped your cherry here tonight. Popped your cranberry here tonight. I should have just said Pittsburgh, man. I should have just said Pittsburgh. Fucking hell, Joe. All right, buddy. Well, we're going to keep it moving along. Congratulations.

Thank you. For your first time, that was pretty good, people. Joe Schaefer. Be careful, Joe. You might want to take the stairway, you klutz. This guy's just stage diving. Oh, look at that. Some Germ-X.

Fuck yeah. Germ-X, the original hand sanitizer since 1971. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Jeff Gordon. Is it the race car driver? Who knows? Here he is, Jeff Gordon, ladies and gentlemen.

Hey, what's up? My name is Jeff Gordon. I have a beard. Sorry about that. My dad left me when I was little. Still waiting for him to come back to teach me how to shave Nobody ever takes me seriously When I complain that there's a hair in my food at a restaurant

I suffer from sleep paralysis You know, that's when you wake up and you can't move Because your beard's stuck in your armpit For some reason, Amish people love to wave at me and you can't move because your beard's stuck in your armpit. For some reason, Amish people love to wave at me. I think I'm showing characteristics of being a serial killer because I'm a cat murderer. I don't like to kill cats, but, yeah, I've done it before. Yeah, come on, guys, look at me.

I'm one forehead swastika tattoo away from Charlie Manson. There you go. Coming in and crushing it. Tons of punchlines knocking it out. Jeff Gurdon. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude, welcome to the show. Tons of punchlines. Knocking it out. Jeff Gurdon. Hell yeah, dude. Welcome to the show. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. How long have you been stuck on a deserted island? It's been about six years now. Fuck yeah. There's a little Grateful Dead to make you feel at home. Jeff Gurdon. Fuck yeah. That was a great set. You're wearing a Roast Battle shirt

representing The Wave. Heck yeah. Make sure to check out Roast Battle the next three Tuesdays at 10pm on Comedy Central. There's a big match coming up in the next couple weeks that I think you guys are all going to be really excited about. Let's just

say I had to face the number one roast battler in the country. Spoiler alert. It wasn't easy. So Jeff Gurdon, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's my first time. Get the fuck out of here. No way. Really? What? my first time. Get the fuck out of here. No way. Really?

What? Wow, dude. That might be one of the best first times we've ever had on this show, Jeff. You should be very proud of yourself. Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ. Hell yeah. Damn, Joel Berg's drawing heat tonight. Did you have a good first time?

Yes. Did you have a good second time? Usually it's like the second time is the one that always sucks. Did you guys have a good first time? Every time. Yeah. Yep. So, Jeff, you just started.

How old are you? 31 And what made you want to start now? Just watching the show Loving stand up It's crazy because that's the answer that most people give After their first time And they usually just bomb

How long did you prepare for this? Well I wrote things down Here and there But literally last night I just sat down and wrote shit out. I'm like, all right, fucking memorize this shit. Punch, punch, punch. Yeah, that's amazing. You're very comfortable on stage.

Did you do anything prior? I do not feel comfortable right now, that's for sure. Really? No, I'm nervous as fuck. I respect all you guys. You guys are hilarious. Well, I'll tell you what, Jeff. We're all equals now.

You're a comedian, and you just got 60 seconds worth of laughter. You should feel right at home. You know? Much like Lucas Mateus, you can consider us your new adoptive family. All right. So, so Jeff, what do you do for work? I'm a garbage man. Get the fuck out of here. You're a real garbage man?

I freaking love this guy! Where do you collect garbage at? In Cleveland? No, no. I live about an hour south of Buffalo. An hour south of Buffalo. That's the dead smack middle of New York. Oh, Buffalo Dick. All right.

So, okay. He's having the time of his life up here. I don't think that song really works. The middle of New York. Yeah. Buffalo's pretty bad, too. The whole, really, that whole thing is bad. So is that where you were born and raised?

Yep. Did you drive here for this? Yeah, of course. Wow. How long of a drive? Is that six, seven hours? Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours. Holy shit.

In your garbage truck? Man, how long have you been collecting garbage for? I don't know, about five years. Damn. That is interesting. We've had so many different occupations on this show. I don't think we've ever had a garbage man. Dude, you

ever keep stuff? All the time. Like, what do you keep, dude? Everything I can find, man. That's a great question, actually. Can you give us an example of something cool, maybe, that you found in the trash five years of doing it? I'm sure you saw

something. Is that where you got the beard? No. That's where I started growing the beard because I had a job where I can finally grow it out, you know. Dress for the job you want. Oh, shit. Yeah, have you found anything cool, or like a dead body, or anything crazy? No, I found a half-living cat one time in a garbage bag.

A half-living cat, and by the sounds of your set, you finished the job. Huh? Just fucking push the button on the compactor. Just fucking... Wow. Wow. Is that the cat that you killed? Yeah, it's one of them.

Fuck yeah. You ever think about, you know, upgrading, like collecting trash in Buffalo or Cleveland or D.C. or something like that? Yeah. No, man, I love the country, man. You like it out there. All I do is just drive around listening to podcasts all day.

I fucking love it. Not listening to anybody. It's fucking great. I love that. That's fucking great. Do you work with someone else or you collect garbage by yourself? I'm by myself in a pickup truck just going around the country roads. In a pickup truck?

Yep. Wait, what kind of garbage man are you, dude? This is fucking... Wait, are you a gypsy or a garbage man? No, no, no, no. Wow, man. You just run your own little fucking truck dynasty, huh? Yes.

Interesting, Jeff. Man, I feel like I could talk to you fucking forever. Well, thank you. Any other fun facts about you? If there was a book on Jeff Gurdon, would there be any other interesting chapters? Yeah, heard of the Bible? No, not really. I'm in a band.

Really? What do you do in the band? I play drums. Get the fuck out of here. Well, I got some bad news for you, Jeff. There's a segment on this show that by rule we must follow as long as your wrists are healthy.

You're not a fucking pussy like Henry. There is a segment on this show. Joel, if you want to go hide somewhere behind the curtain or something. I mean, are we doing this? Yeah, dude. We're doing it, dude.

Hold on one second. Let me introduce it properly. Every time we find out somebody plays drums on this show, we do a thing called the Mexican Drum Off, where we let them play a drum solo, and then, hold on one second, we let them, if the music's louder than me, okay, perfect.

Where they do a drum solo, Joel Berg hides away, and then Joel Berg comes back and defends his throne by playing his a drum solo, Joel Berg hides away, and then Joel Berg comes back and defends his throne by playing his own drum solo. By rule, if his drum solo is better than Joel's, he's the new drummer of Kill Tony and is coming back to Los Angeles with us. But let me warn you.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me warn you. Dude, I'm worried for Joel for the first time, dude. Hold on, let me warn you. i'm worried for joel for the first time dude hold on let me warn you if you haven't seen this before it is extremely hard to beat joelberg at this game so now with no further ado i present to you live from cleveland ohio the home of birthplace of rock and roll it is the mexican Drummer with Jeff Gurdon! Wow! That was awesome.

That was good. And now defending his throne is Joel Berg! Wow. That was awesome. That was good. And now defending his throne is Joel Bess. Joel Bess. Cleveland Cocks, you know what I'm saying? Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new drummer of Kill Tony. Oh, no. Wow. He's the maddest Joel has ever gotten at me.

He's like, what? Judas. That was actually the best drum off. That was the best Mexican drum off. Jeff Gurdon, I'm going to give you the full treatment, sir. Unbelievable set. Unbelievable interview. Unbelievable drum off.

Perhaps the best contender ever. But we're going to stick with Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. But other than that, you're one of my favorite people we've ever pulled out of the bucket. I will shake that trash man's hand. Jeff Gurdon. That was great. Give me some of that. Yeah.

Can I get a vodka soda? On the socks. Feeling a little naked up here. Wow. Goddamn. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Yeah, dude. Wow.

Fucking amazing. This show just went to hyperdrive because of a fucking garbage man. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Tough act to follow. Good luck to this guy. Put your hands together for Michael Joseph. There he is, everybody. Michael Joseph. Hello. My name is Michael Joseph. You may recognize me from the candles your abuelita keeps around her house.

Some people have a direct relation with Jesus Christ. I like to think I have an inverse relationship with Jesus Christ in that the less I believe in him, the more I look like him, which is kind of strange because I was raised Catholic. Give it up if you're in that cult, you know? And I was like super religious when I was a kid, so much so that I actually studied to be a Roman Catholic priest. And I know a lot of you here that are like, oh, you must really like kids. But the truth is, it's always my dream to make money hosting a weekly sci-fi book club. So after three years, I decided it wasn't the right life for me. You got to give up

money, sex, your own freedom. And I just figured there's got to be an easy way to fuck kids. So I don't know. Anyway, that's my time. Thank you, guys. way to fuck kids, so I don't know. Anyway, that's my time. Thank you, guys. There you go. 58 seconds from Michael Joseph. There it is. Welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony. How's it going? You look like

if Jeff Gurdon went through half an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Yeah. More like Jeff Nerden, dude. Michael, this is obviously your first time on the show. You from Cleveland? I'm originally from this area, but I live in Rochester now.

I'm pretty much exactly like this dude. Rochester, New York. Yeah. Did you drive here from there for this? How long of a drive is that? Four hours. Four hours. Did you know you could have picked up Jeff Gordon on your way?

I would have. Seems like a cool dude. Yeah, he certainly is. So, Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a month and a half. Month and a half. And you've been doing it in Rochester at... I've been around there. Where's that place?

That's a funny bone. No, the most recent place that's open now is Comedy at the Carlson. But I don't... That's like for professionals. I just do a bunch of open mics now. Oh, the Carlson. But that's for professionals. I just do a bunch of open mics now. Oh, okay. And how's that going for you?

It's all right. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a freelance translator. Freelance translator. What kind of languages? Arabic and Spanish. Really?

You know how to speak Arabic? Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty bad at it I mostly translate documents But yeah, I can speak a little Huh, this seems like you're one of those guys That could join ISIS Yeah, I get that a lot You just know how to translate documents, huh?

Yes, yeah Say something in Arabic for us Okay Say, my butt is ready. Please, you guys. What's that mean? My... All right.

You should have seen that coming. Real stretch on that one. How do you say shoehorn in Arabic? I don't know that one. All right. So how do you make money freelance translating? They pay you by word. So you got 1,000 words.

I charge $0.08 per word. $0.08 per word. So 1,000 words. Dude, that's like a bajillion dollars, dude. So I'm pretty much fucking killing it. How long have you been doing that for? Like two years now. Is Michael Joseph your real name or is that your first and middle name?

No, it's first and last name. Okay. And Rochester. Wait, you're originally from here. Your parents still here? Yeah, they're here actually. They're saying they see your mom actually. The Josephs, they're out there somewhere, huh? Hi, guys're originally from here. Your parents still here? Yeah. They're here, actually. They're saying hi to your mom, actually. The Josephs. They're out there somewhere, huh?

Hi, guys. Thanks for coming. You have your dad's beard and your mom's hair, so I'm sure they're very proud of you. Yes. That hairstyle's very interesting. Did you drive in a convertible here from Rochester? No. He's the Maxwell tape cassette guy.

You remember that from the 90s? Never mind, dude. Wow. Hell yeah. So a month and a half, it's been going good? Yeah, it's all right. Hell yeah. Google that.

I'm convinced you'll love it after the show, dude. I'm tripling down. Hell yeah. Jeremiah not letting that one go at all. So stand-up's been going good? Yeah it's alright Hell yeah it's so easy a caveman can do it Wait what? Michael

Oh are you mad because they got my 2000s reference? Dude I live in the freaking 90s you tard Fred Durst is still on the top 90s, you tard. Brett Durst is still on the top of the charts, you idiot. Michael, what do you like to do for fun? When you're not translating Arabic. I don't know. I just look at a lot of porn, really.

A lot of porn? Yeah. You hear that, mom? He only looks at porn for fun, dude. Yeah. I guess I should have said video games. I play a lot of video games. Read, write, but porn is fine. We're going to go back to porn for a second here.

What are some of your favorite types of porn to watch? Just be honest. I'll be honest with mine. Mine? Cream pies. I love it. There's something about a dirty... Hold on.

Let me finish this, Brian. Jesus. Oh, let me say something at any time. He thought cream pie was a hostess snack so he got excited. My favorite is any dirty slut that just takes hot loads from a dirty porn star

guy. That is amazing to me. You hear that miss Hinchcliffe? Jesus Christ. That's my new favorite soundbite. My mom is not surprised. My mom knows I love green pies. All right, let's get his mom and your mom up here, and we want to know their favorite category of porn.

That might be a good question. I think we all want to know, dude. All right. Michael Michael what's your answer I really like girls do porn Wait what The fuck did you just say I really like girls do porn Did you just turn into a kindergartner

Yeah What do you mean girls do porn? It's a website. Oh, that's the name of a website. What's different on that website than specific anything else? I don't know. The girls on it are pretty hot. That's so funny.

It doesn't take much. Wow. Yeah. You know, you could just type porn into a Google search bar and you'll find good looking girls doing porn. Yeah. Yeah, that's the idea. But that's the name of the website. Do you have a membership to this website? No, I watch it on other sites.

Like Pornhub or Xvideos or whatever. You watch girls do porn. Yeah, they have like their own channel and they have like, yeah, right. Right. I see. Brian gets it. Yeah. Dude, I don't know, dude. I'm starting to think that your favorite channel

is Guys Do Sex. Man. Favorite porno you've ever seen? Like one that maybe you re-watched a couple times. Was the one that stood out to you? Maybe the girl had pigtails or maybe it was a... Well, now we know that Tony masturbates to girls with pigtails or maybe it was a... Well, now we know that

Tony masturbates to girls with pigtails. I don't mind a girl with pigtails. Sure, I'm not gonna not click on it because she has pigtails. I don't know, man. Do you like watching blowjob porn? Yeah. It is. What? Dude, you got hugged by a red band.

Brian has this weird thing where if there's a if at all there is a dick involved in his porn, it becomes gay, right? Blowjob porn's like 90% all about the dick. Who wants to watch that? Right, yeah. Dicks are so gay. Gay dicks. If you like

dicks, you're gay. Right, red band? Totally. If you write that down everyone would agree that's gay it's fucked very good uh now uh but you don't have a preference between uh sex blowjobs anything pretty much anything

goes yeah yeah nothing no no personal favorite thing for you ever I just said that one channel is good because they kind of do fucking everything on it. How about you? Kinkiest thing you've ever done in the bedroom? You look like you've gone a couple times. Ever give a girl

the old second coming? Yeah. Yes, pretty much. We don't get too kinky. Oh, God. My fiance's going to watch this. She wants to do more kinky stuff. You have a girlfriend? I have a fiance, yeah.

Fiance, you're getting married, and she wants to do more kinky stuff. Can you give me an example? Like the Cleveland Steamer? Yeah, the Cleveland. Why didn't I think of that? Fuck. Dude, I always give girls the Pittsburgh Fister, dude. Oh, yeah.

You ever give a girl the old Cranberry Harry? fister, dude. You ever give a girl the old cranberry Harry? So what does your girl want? What does your fiance want? She wants to handcuff me or tie me up. And then go get fucked by a garbage man?

I know that sounds hot, but not when you're the one getting handcuffed. I don't know. Have you ever let her? No, I watched Gerard's game and I was totally turned off by it. You watched what? That Stephen King movie, Gerard's Game. Anyone else see this?

What is that? Like Fifty Shades of Grey for guys? No. They try a bondage thing and then her husband has a heart attack and so she's just chained to the bed and trying to get out. Oh, God. Stephen King is such a badass.

Yeah. So you've never done it because you've watched a Gerards game? I mean, I've watched Misery. That doesn't mean I won't sleep. Yeah? You never sleep? Never sleep. Have you ever done cuck holding? Have you ever tried that?

No She does call me a cuck a lot though Wow, how long have you been with this chick? Like three years Is she here tonight? No, she's back in Rochester, she has to work Oh, what does she do? She's also a translator

She's a translator too? From male to female? so she has to work. Oh, what does she do? She's also a translator. She's a translator, too. Yeah. Same languages? From male to female? Yeah. No, she does Japanese. Wow. Damn.

Yeah. You should definitely let her tie you up, dude. Sure. Yeah. Tonight. Go home. Wake her up. Tie me up, babe.

Wow. There you go. I don't know. Of course, last time somebody tied you up, they tried to nail you to a cross. So not always good. Yeah. Now, all right. Well, okay.

I guess we'll just keep moving on. Right on. It was a pleasure. Thank you. This is Michael Joseph, everybody. He's not on Twitter. This is a guy that's not on social media at all Hell yeah

Sure, there you go, take it Everybody else has gotten one Fuck yeah Alright, there you go Now you have stigmata You're dirtier than all these people, but okay Sure, you could pretend for one night Pulled another name out.

Put your hands together for Logan Steak. Logan Steak. Here he comes. Wow. You'll never believe what this guy looks like. The whole tone of the show. Hey, everyone. Feeling a little down right now.

It's a lot of fighting, a lot of crying going on at home. Watching season two of Glow. Kind of brings me down. Last summer I was on a vegan diet for three and a half months. I lost 22 pounds in three and a half months, which sucks because I only weigh 22 pounds. Lost all my pounds. Remember the good old days when you could throw shoes at the president? Right?

Or the good old days when your president had the dexterity to dodge a pair of shoes? Feel bad for the guy that threw him, though. He's probably in Guantanamo Bay being shoeboarded right now. Just tied up to a plank, hung upside down, potato sack over his head, used Chuck Taylors being thrown at his torso. Feel fucking awful for him. Anyone here taught the story of the birds and the bees? Yeah, me neither.

Finish it, go ahead. I'm glad that they don't teach it that way because you ever seen a bird or a bee have sex? They just fly around and smack right into each other. It cannot be consensual. Alright. There he is.

Alright, there we go. Fun set from All right. There he is. All right. There we go. Fun set from Mark Maron's half-child. Dude, how many garbage men are we going to have on this show, dude? This is incredible. So, Logan, how long have you been doing comedy? About a year and a half. About a year and a half.

All here in Cleveland? I'm from Columbus. From Columbus. You drove up for this, too? Yep. Wow. So far, there is nobody on this show that hasn't driven over two and a half hours to be here. That's incredible.

Somebody just booed that. All right. Very good. Somebody that hates some energy-conserving lady. Babe! So much gas being spent on this podcast. All right. So, Logan, you made the drive up from Columbus today.

Yeah, I sat in the passenger side. Hell yeah. Where in Columbus do you live? I live in Old Town East. Old Town East. Hell yeah. All right. Near Easton Mall?

No. This is like downtown. Oh, downtown. Yeah, like east side. That's fun. What do you do for work there? I deliver beer. You deliver beer. That is a busy job in the college town of Columbus, Ohio. How long have you been doing that for? About four years. You deliver to parties that are already happening sometimes? No. That would be tight, but no. You deliver to parties that are already happening sometimes? No. That would be tight, but no. I deliver

to stores, gas stations. Stores, gas stations, restaurants. You deliver for a specific company? Yeah, we're a craft brewery. Craft? Brewery. I can't say it. We brew craft beer. Can we get the translator up here, please?

Yeah, no, no. Here I am. It's called gay beer, dude. Wow. So you've been delivering beer for a while to different stores and things. Anything crazy ever happen on that job? Anything weird? No, not really.

Now? What do you like to do for fun? Stand up, play music, D&D. What type of music do you play? Kind of whatever. Screamo. I'm not going to lie. Streamo?

Screamo. Emo. Emo? Yeah. Can you give us a little example? Just one quick line. You don't have to over set it up or say whatever. You just go right into it.

My dick is small and I can't last long and I don't know how to please a woman. My dick is small. There you go. What Josh Martin listens to. That's not really... Dude, that's a confession. That's not a song.

Is that true, Logan? Do you really have a small dick? I don't think so. You don't think so, but you say it like other people do think so. Has someone told you, to be honest with you, Logan, your dick's just, you're just not delivering exactly what I need? No. Usually, when I lost my virginity, she said she felt like she got hit by a train.

Wow. Are you sure she didn't say tr she got hit by a train. Wow. Are you sure she didn't say tranny? Very easily could have been that. What grade was she in, though? Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to do it like that. Did you put it in her caboose? Was she tied to the tracks? Oh, shit.

D&D, that's Dungeons and Dragons. Dudes and dicks, bro. How long have you been doing Dungeons and Dragons for? I just started like a month ago. Wow, what made you start? How old are you? I'm 28. 28. What made you start Dungeons and Dragons a month ago?

It starts with the board games with all your married friends and then you realize that you want to just keep playing board games. You're married? No. You just hang out with married people? Yes. Why do you hang out with so many married people? Everyone is getting married. And you know, they're my

friends. You have a girlfriend? No. No. When's the last time you were in a steady relationship? Five months ago. Five months ago. And how long did that last? First time about six months and then a year after like a three month breakup. What happened? She punched me in the face. Wow. Why? I don't know. She showed up to my work. I was bartending one night. She showed up, ate a patron sandwich. I told her that she can't eat that sandwich. My manager told me

she had to leave and I had to leave too. And then on the drive home while I was driving she just decked me in the face a couple times. Ew, so she's fat. Wow. When she hit you in the face, did it feel like you got hit by a train? No, she hit like a girl. Oh.

There it is. Were you driving the car when she hit you? Yeah. Were you on a freeway or a red light? No, thankfully just on a regular street. Goddamn. That's crazy. Did you grow the beard out to cover up the bruises?

Wow. Yes. You ever play C&C? Chicks and clits, dude. What's up, dude? I thought you were talking about the music factory. Well, Logan, what else? Any other special skills

or hobbies or anything like that? Other than singing emo and Dungeons and Dragons? I can move my ears. You what? I can move my ears. You can wiggle your ears? Your hair's covering it up. It's not the cool way. It's the kind

of... Dude, you look like the dad in Teen Wolf. I can't tell whether you're turning into a wolf or turning back into a human. Well, Logan is an X-Man. It's a 90s reference. It's good. And your last name's really Steak, huh?

Yeah, like a vampire steak. Yeah. Well. That's fun. Thank you. All right, Logan. Well, what did you talk about tonight? I can't even remember.

I was vegan last week. Is that really true? Were you a vegan? How long were you a vegan for? Three and a half months. Three and a half months. And what made you do that? That stupid documentary on Netflix, What the Health.

Food Inc.? No, What the Health. The one where they were like, I'm a weightlifter and I'm vegan. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. God damn it. Let's keep it moving along. There goes Logan's steak.

We have a bunch of names. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Will Bell. Will Bell. Whoa. I'm not seeing any movement here. Is that Will? Here he comes.

I gotta wave. It's Will Bell. What happened to the audience? I could have sworn there was a live audience here before. Hey guys, my name's Will. And the last time I was on Kill Tony, Tony Inchcliffe told me that I look like the only fat Lannister. Which, you know, I don't think is true,

because I wouldn't call Tyrion Lannister absolutely skinny. He may be short, but he ain't skinny. skinny. He may be short, but he ain't skinny. Well, apparently not a lot of Game of Thrones fans in here, I guess. So my grandpa, his name was Newfie, and he used to tell me all the time that he'd get all this pussy in the nursing home. And I said, Newfie, your dick don't work, man. And he said, Willie, he sat me down. He looked me straight in the eye. He said, Willie, I don't need no Viagra.

I need whiskey to keep it down. I realized then I had my grandpa's dick. I got my... Go ahead. Finish it. I got my... Go ahead. Finish it. I know better than that. Okay.

I guess it depends. You have a real attitude for a guy that's going to finish on a not laugh anyway. I've listened to the podcast long enough that no matter what I said, it wouldn't have been funny. That's not necessarily true at all, Will. But anything you would have said probably wouldn't have been funny. You are correct. I liked your style. I, you know, I can't, I'm sorry. It was in LA that I called you a fat Lannister? No, no. It was in Columbus. Ah. Yeah. How long ago was that? Two years. It couldn't have been five years ago, dude. It's been a long ass time.

It was like two years ago. We did a Keltonian Columbus? Yeah, dude. Wow, look at you. Your voice has almost got as high as your cholesterol on that one, Will. That was impressive. So that was two years ago I said that to you? Maybe three.

I'm glad you got motivated to get healthy. I'm holding the grudge. like it i like it you cover it up well will uh you uh you dress like an out-of-work lesbian that oh said it before what no i didn't say that no i said you look like a fucking lesbian years ago this time i'm saying specifically that you're dressed like a lesbian the hat the shirt the undershirt, and the pants. It's a different thing. But yes, Will, don't try to talk over me, you piece of shit. How long have you been a... Listen to me.

Will, listen to me. Yes. That's two different insults. I don't want you to fucking rack it up as the same insult. You look like a lesbian is what I told you years ago. You're dressed like a lesbian tonight. I want you years ago you're dressed like a lesbian I want to be very clear alright lesbian paperboy

how long have you been a softball umpire how long have you been doing stand up Will since I was 21 so it's been like 5 years but I've been kind of like I live in here on Ohio so I can't do too many open mics, man. I just, you know, I'll do the music open mics, and then I'll just be the only comedian. So the answer was five years.

Wow. Will, what do you do for work? Well, I am a carpenter I'm putting bay Carpenter in Put-In-Bay Yeah, I build houses and shit Damn, you're building like a house yourself Yeah Thick

Fuck yeah, you are How long have you been building houses for? You know, I got one year One stripe, you know No, I didn't know, but now I know. Sorry. Hell yeah. Is that something that, like, is that a family business,

or you just got into that? No, it's actually my buddy. He's my boss. He's over here tonight. That's cool. Yeah. Where's Puddin Bay exactly? It's South Bass Island.

It's its own island in the middle of Lake Erie. No. That's pretty sweet. No, Central Ohio. Very interesting. You, Central Ohio. Me. If I just don't say anything, are you just going to keep mumbling like that?

Will Bell. Any relation to Liberty Bell? Yeah, same size, bro. Yeah, there you go. Exactly. You took the beach ball and ran with it on that one. First time you've ever ran with anything, apparently. I've actually been losing weight. Really?

Yeah. Been refinding it? Yeah. Yeah. I can't tell if this guy is having a good time or his laugh is like the most patronizing thing I've ever heard. It's a cry for help. What have you been doing to lose weight, Will?

Oh, you know, just straight no sugar, no bread. You know, keto, going big Willie style keto. Yeah. I ain't doing keto. Are you really? I'm trying my best, you know. Well, you either do it or you don't. There's no trying.

You either do it or you don't. Coming from the guy that said she did today. Lemonade and vodka over here. Donato's, baby. This is keto, my friend. All right. Brian's pretending like he's not gonna eat donato i might i might man i might chill you definitely might uh that's fun will so you work in that

you've been doing stand-up for a little bit but you don't work at it that hard because you don't want to do music open mic so what else do you do what do you do in your spare time well you know we we've talked about this in the past although although you don't remember. Oh, yes, I remember very clearly the years ago in Co-op. Yeah, I said you don't remember, but, you know, I have a pretty cool talent if you want to check it out. Yeah, I just asked you.

Alright, you know, you, alright. Well, you know, my buddies, they call it the douche flute, but if you're ready. Are you going to kill us? What is happening? Hold on.

Wait. Brian, let him do the sound. He's doing a sound and you're playing a song. I'm sad. What are you doing to do that? Do it facing me Do it again It's not any better

Dude This guy looks like the ghost of a gay boat cruise That was my Form of careless whisper That I was hoping that he would take over and I wouldn't look like such a faggot. No, I didn't recognize it. Don't say that word, bro. That's not progressive.

Oh, my bad, dude. You can be on the gay cruise, but don't say the F word, dude. Sorry. Will, I think you're – She didn't laugh, dude. Sorry. Will, I think you're... She didn't laugh, dude. Believe it or not, Will, I'm making a lot of jokes up here, but I think you're going to do just fine in comedy.

You remind me of both Mike and Molly. He's the guy right next to you on the pictures out here, dude. I don't know what you just said. Nobody does. You have to make sure people hear you if you want to get a good one out there. My bad. I wasn't...

It's enunciation. It's huge. I feel like when this guy dies on his tombstone, it's going to read, Here lies white privilege. Coming from Jeremiah. Hey, you know, two for two. What is going on out here in Cleveland, dude?

Oh, shit. Wait, are we about to have a douche flute off? Hey, if I'm on a roll, you know. Dude, you have lots of rolls. We get it. Yeah, you woke up the beast, dude dude you do not take shots at jeremiah this has happened before you know i'm taking another shot right now oh yeah what is it what hey great job two for two no pat reagan he is the worst thing since the fucking iron patriot

wow wow going out to people who aren't here. This crowd is turning against you real quick. I'm the heel now. Who is? What? Man, Will. Is there anything you want to say to this crowd to redeem yourself? You guys all agree with me.

What? Catch them on baskets. Oh, wow. These people hate you. Are they just about to throw tomatoes at me up here? You would eat them all. No, you wouldn't eat them. No, he wouldn't.

Tomatoes are free. Hey, they're keto. They're not. No, they're not. Oh, shit. I think you're the keto master. I think he's confusing the keto you're the Keto Master. I think he's Brian Redband. He's definitely confusing the Keto Diet with the

Cheeto Diet. Alright, we're gonna keep it moving, Will. Oh, shit. There he goes, Will Bell. Hell yeah. Alright, we're flying through it here. All right. We're flying through it here.

We have a... Yeah, we're almost there. Why don't we try to get maybe a couple more up here real quick. Put your hands together for Jeremy Walken, everybody. Jeremy Walken. Thank you. Jeremy Walken, everybody. Jeremy Walken. Yeah.

Oh, shit. All right. Oh, I fucking blanked. All right, here we go. You know, from time to time, being a physical specimen as I am, I like to dress like a slut. You know what the male uniform for a slut is? Chris white tee, gray sweatpants. Works every time. I know in this light, I look like a big

blueberry, a big plump blueberry. But ladies, you know, you gotta get your antioxidants. I was about to say, you know, you're about to go down on the lady, and you pull down her panties, and it's a piece of tissue in her pussy crack.

Is it rude to tell them? Do you eat around it like a piece of salad or something? Is that it? If you want to finish it, you can keep going. That's all I got. That's all you got. Hell yeah You look like you eat the pussy The toilet paper and everything in a refrigerator

It all goes down smooth It all goes down smooth Hell yeah Fuck yeah Jeremy That's awesome man It's your first time doing stand up? Fuck yeah put your hands together for Jeremy. Where you from? Cleveland.

Cleveland. Born and raised. Hell yeah. Look at that. How close? Do you walk here? No I ain't walking. What do I look like? Crazy. I'm east side of Cleveland, maybe about 30 minutes away.

Hell yeah, east side of Cleveland. Well, welcome, welcome. Your first time doing stand-up. How old are you? 33. 33. And what do you do for work? Oh, I work at a Heinz manufacturing warehouse. Hell yeah. Just shipping and receiving. You drive a forklift? From time to time. I'm usually more of a picker. A what? A picker. A picker. Like an American picker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go with that. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Have you always wanted to do stand-up? Like is this something you've always thought of doing? Well, you know, listening to you guys, I figured I'd try it out. Hell yeah. You're a natural. You're like Patrice O'Meal. Oh, thank you. you've always thought of doing? Well, you know, listening to you guys, I figured I'd try it out.

Hell yeah. You're a natural. You're like Patrice O'Neal. Oh, thank you. Hopefully the diabetes don't get me either. Did I just fuck that up? Patrice O'Neal? His name's Patrice O'Neal, right? Yeah. And I said Patrice O'Neal. You see, he's almost like him,

saying he must have purple feet or something like that. Okie dokie, we lost everybody. Alright. So Jeremy, when you're not working, what else do you do for fun? What else is fun facts about Jeremy walking? Video games.

Yeah, what are some of your favorite video games? Fork Knight? Nah. My hands ain't fast enough for that. Yeah. What are some of your games? Witcher 3 is pretty good.

All right. Fallout. Uh-huh. It's pretty good. Skyrim. Those type of games. Hell yeah. That's fun.

When you're not playing, you have a girlfriend? No. No. Antioxidants, ladies. Antioxidants. Antioxidants. friend no no antioxidants ladies antioxidants antioxidants so when you're not playing video games and uh and you're not working what else anything else anything you do outside of the house you live by yourself uh no still with the parents yeah well my mom just kind of i bet your mom cooks good shit yeah yeah my grandma's the best.

What's your grandma's specialty in the kitchen? That mac and cheese. God fucking damn. I can't even imagine. Gets you every time. It makes me seriously want to tear up. I had a flashback. Like fucking Nam.

I bet. People having flash blacks and shit. All the time. That toilet paper shit's hilarious because I think we've all been there, you know? Yeah, what do you do in that situation? For once, I agree with Red Band, yeah. I think everybody's seen that. We just don't talk about it.

That's funny as fuck, though. What have you done in the past when you've seen that toilet paper there? Kind of move it to the side. Move it to the side. Just leave it there. Maybe she's saving it. Move it to the side. Have you

only been with black women? Oh, no. I don't discriminate. Wow. Alright. The toilet paper, though, was that on a black woman's vagina? Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Yes, of course. All toilet paper on a pussy is unfortunate.

Always. But you never know. Boo, really, lady? Really? You single-ply, simple bitch. Boo! I'm going gonna fucking toilet paper on my pussy all you fucking want.

If I wanna fucking break up toilet paper on my pussy, it's 2018. Boo you, lady. Jesus. Go clean yourself, you dirty bitch. Boo. These chicks just throw out boos for anything now. Ever since Hillary lost, everybody just, boo!

I fucking like TP on my fucking birthday. You can't tell me what I like. I voted for it. Dude, she sounds like a girl who named her vagina Charmin, dude. Fuck yeah. I bet it's super easy to quicker pick her up.

She needs a brawny man. That's brawny. Fuck. What's Charmin's catchphrase? We cover toilet paper on pussies. It's a working. Jeremy, you're a big guy. You have any special moves

in the bedroom that you do? Anything crazy? Oh, I call it the lockdown. The lockdown? Oh, yeah. Is that just when you're on top? That too. That too. The lockdown. Lockdown. Is when you got it from the back.

Then you put your stomach. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. I might have to try that sometime. Next time I'm having sex with a girl from behind, I'm going to put your stomach on her back. Lock her down. That's what's up. Jeremy, I fucking love your style. I love

your charisma. Everything's straight down the barrel goodness. Next time you do this, just ignore the lights. We can't tell whether you're seeing anything or not. Any of those self-thoughts, just look out there into that. Just like when you're looking in the mirror, you look out

and see that black mass out there and just let it rip you know what I mean because I think you got this on lockdown so do it again sometime have fun there he goes Jeremy Walken fuck yeah no relation to Christopher

what do you guys think one more we only have time for one. Sorry to all of you that signed up that didn't get on. This is the Cleveland Bucket of Destiny, and it has spoken. And your final comedian performing tonight is Devin Knapp. Devin Knapp. Devin Knapp. Oh, look at all the sad faces of people that didn't get up. You could try again.

Cincinnati's only a three and a half hour drive on Friday. And then Saturday, Fort Wayne. There's a kill Tony there. Fort Wayne, Indiana. If you're feeling anxious. One more time for Devin Knapp, everybody. Shit. Lack of hair. Sorry, I'm're feeling anxious. One more time for Devin Knapp, everybody. Shit. Lack of hair.

Sorry, I'm bringing it down. No beard, no long hair. I grew up in a rural area. Weird thing about rural area is the way you interact with people. The way I interact with my parents is kind of the same way. I can think back being on a fishing boat with my dad out in the lake area. He'd be sitting there drinking a beer, smoking cigarettes, and I was like nine years old. And I'd look at him and be like, Dad, can I try Lake area, he'd be sitting there drinking a beer, smoking cigarettes, and I was like nine years old.

And I'd look at him and be like, Dad, can I try one of those cigarettes? Can I have like a beer? He'd look at me and be like, that's a good question. Does your dick touch your asshole? I thought, fuck. No, no, it doesn't. Oh, then you're not old enough. You've got to wait a little longer.

Eventually that will happen. Then a few days later, eating cookies out of a bag in the house, my dad comes up to me. He's like, let me get a few of those cookies. Being smart, I'm like, all right. Does your dick touch your asshole? Well, as a matter of fact, it does. Shit, go fuck yourself.

But it's not only rednecks. It's not only rednecks. It's not only rednecks. We also... Go ahead. Finish it. Finish the rest of this joke book. Oh, Jesus. That was just a lack of fill-up time.

Okay. Wow. Devin. Somebody told you that joke, right? That's like a street joke. That came from my grandparents. Why would you do a joke that your grandparents told you? How old are you? A giant baby?

Don't let the facial hair fool you I'm pretty much a giant baby It's your first time doing stand-up? Obviously And you did a joke that your grandparents told you What do you think, Jeremiah? Can I make a weird Curveball suggestion?

I think it's going to be the same thing that I might be thinking. We haven't had one female on this stage tonight. Can we pull a female name out of the bucket and replace this dude? Let me ask you something, and don't just stop. Stop. Relax, everybody.

Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax Relax Relax Relax Relax Relax Everybody relax I'm trying to get pussy out of this by the way No uggos First of all Devin you're a fan of the show

Yeah How long you been listening for? Couple months Not very big fan Couple months Not very long Well let me tell you something my friend You go back

You do your research You listen to every goddamn episode. All right, I'm going to dive deep. And you tell me at the end of your research if you find anything else that sounds like 60 seconds of a joke from a grandparent. I think I'll find a few. No, you won't. And then you'll find a few people that we just get off the stage immediately and move on to the next thing.

But, Devin, let me tell you this. You're 24. You had the balls to sign up. Don't be afraid to figure out what's interesting and funny about you and try it again sometime, okay? All right. There he goes. Devin Knapp. Now.

Come back when your balls touch your asshole. Now we're going to move in order. Let me just ask this and just yell if it's true. Did a lady sign up for this show tonight? Okay, now that table shut up. Did

any other ladies sign up tonight? Alright, then in that case, I'm going to go through the bucket until we find a lady. Sound fair? Sorry to Brett Thomas. Sorry to John Valley.

Dude, this is brutal. Sorry to Jay Stinson. Oh, you already said enough, you piece of shit. Crooks probably isn't a female, right? Nope. What?

Shut up. Kenneth Bauer, I apologize. I apologize. We're just going to have to get through it. Dylan Liner, I apologize. So fucking not close. Josh Lawhorn. At least you guys are getting shout outs.

This is like a black radio station. All right. Here we go. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Bridget Seibel. the name of Bridget Seibel. Bridget Seibel is coming to the stage. She has a steady pace, a drink in her hand. Here she comes, of course.

Make some noise for Bridget Seibel, ladies and gentlemen. Closing out the show. Oh, man. So, yeah, earlier in this podcast I was the one that booed so you know I gotta add a little sauce to it so I just moved from

Chicago after five years of living there but I did grow up in Cleveland so that's why I'm here I escaped purgatory and then I came back until I moved to Melbourne but I'm drunk so I have no idea what to say now so this is a total mistake I apologize on behalf of all the other females all of uh none that apparently entered because this entire I put

my neck out for you this entire show lock her up lock her up it was great to sit here for at least five white men to tell us things that weren't funny. And then. Wait a second. Hold on. What's your closer? Excuse me. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. Okay. All right. Everybody stop doing things. All right. Everybody stop doing things. Bridget, what would you just say about five white guys? What did you just say? Just the fact that I got really drunk because I had to listen to five of them in a row.

Oh. So I brought my drink back out there. I see what you're saying. Oh, we thought you were calling Joel White for a second. I was about to get pissed, dude. Yeah. What the fuck? Seriously.

And by the way, Jeremy Walken was five black guys in one. I don't understand how... That's what's up, bruh. Bridget, first of all, let me, you know, I know a lot of people think I'm going to be mean to her, but let me start by saying that is one of the funniest performances by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. I know a lot of people think I'm going to be mean to her, but let me start by saying that is one of the funniest performances

by a female comedian I've ever seen in my life. Bridget, you might be the drunkest person I've ever seen that has only taken a quarter of a sip of her drink before. Yeah, it's about to spill over again. I actually spilled it when I was walking up here. Wow. Have you ever done stand-up before? You've done it before?

Oh, fuck no. No, so this was your... Yeah, I haven't been on this stage. Jesus, shut up! That's my sister and my mom yelling at me, by the way. Fucking hell, guys. What do you think I'm going to do?

End it on this, you fucking idiots? You're the one stuck in Youngstown. You think I need your advice? See, I think that's what lost them, is that I talked about being in purgatory because I'm back in Ohio after I moved out. No, no, no, no. They hated you before that,

and they hated you after that, Bridget. Don't blame it on the purgatory because I'm back in Ohio after I moved out. No, no, no. They hated you before that and they hated you after that, Bridget. Don't blame it on the purgatory thing. It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the lack of punchlines. Guys, shut the fuck up. Do you really think you're in control? Sort of are.

I don't want it to end with you guys all angry and shit. Bridget, I don't want it to end with you guys all angry and shit. Bridget, I'm going to be honest with you. You're drunk, and you're sort of an angry person. And for that reason, I'm going to dismiss you. There she goes, Bridget Seibel. Enjoy

yourself. Enjoy yourself. But in honor of you booing from the audience, why don't we all give her a good boo on our way back to our seat, huh? I apologize to Michael Tucker. I apologize to Tony Giacchetti. Aw, he sounds like he'd be funny too. Tony Giacchetti. He sounds like he'd be funny too.

Tony Giacchetti. Brittany H. Brittany H. Here we go. This is going to be your final comedian of the night. Is she coming? Here she comes.

Brittany H. Moving at the pace of The Undertaker. Yeah. Here we go, motherfuckers. You guys ready to end this show or what? I did not think I was going to be up here tonight. Whoa. I'm off to a good start, right?

Does someone know me out there? So going to the bathroom for women is a lot like going to war. And I say that because there's a lot of strategy involved. You have to evade your enemy and you also have to complete your mission. So going to the bathroom, I'm talking about specifically at the work office. So for me, when I find out I have to go, I'm thinking, fuck, okay, how do I get to the bathroom and evade Linda in the hallway because Linda wants to talk she wants to talk about the weekend she wants to talk about how the fucking cat's doing did I give it the meds and I'm thinking Linda I you know I can't talk I gotta go and it's like how do you casually

say I gotta go so you're evading that conversations then you get to the bathroom and your next quest is like, okay, I'm in here. Was that really 60 seconds? Oh, wow. Wow. Tony, I... Is it just me or does every woman feel like the world is against her, right? Is that really 60 seconds? When you go to the bathroom, do you think,

oh my God, are there other people here? Can I take a shit freely? Or are other people going to listen and judge? Brittany, who's roofing all the women in this audience? This is like all males, so of course I'm going to be, you know. What is going on here? Of course you're going to be what? Douchebags

like you are probably going to be like, no. Whoa! Wow. I just take shit freely. Yeah. Brittany, I have no idea what's going on here. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay. I actually did this because my husband,

he's out there. He wanted to come up. My name got picked. I'm just trying to show him you can fucking come up, do your thing. Did he sign up? Yeah, and I wish you'd come up here. So he signed up, and to show him, you took another spot in the bucket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With no preparation other than saying, you ever go to the bathroom and... You're right. I think what I said was valid and true.

Am I right, people? Oh, that's 60 seconds? I mean, I'm not going to spend three months studying for a 30-second, 60-second spot. It's not 30 seconds, it's 60. I'm not going to spend three months studying for a 30-second, 60-second spot. It's not 30 seconds. It's 60. And it doesn't seem like you spent 60 seconds studying for this 60-second spot.

You're absolutely right. You're right. I didn't even think my name was going to get picked, but here I am. Well. Up here. Probably like many other times in your life, Brittany, you thought wrong. That's valuable. I'm going to move along from you. There she goes, Brittany H. That's it? That's it. That's valuable. I'm going to move along from you. There she goes, Brittany H.

That's it? That's it. That's it. Thank you. That's it. You're too uninteresting. Uninteresting. Wow.

Sorry, kiddo. It's okay. Just go. I'd like to apologize to Dylan McCarthy. I'd like to apologize to Gary Graham. Lil' Nick 8, I'd like to apologize to. And I'd like to apologize to Brandon Gerber. Baby.

Joe Graham. Greg Smith. And Gary Rowley, you never even signed up. There isn't another lady there. Someone lied. What? Amber Heard. Amber Heard. Someone lied. What? Amber heard. What is it?

What a debacle. Amber, did you prepare for this? All right. Let's give it one last shot. Closing the show. And this is it. Put your hands together for Amber. We fucking did it, guys.

God damn it. I'm Amber Maida. How y'all doing tonight? I'm originally from Hawaii. I was raised in Michigan. I moved to Cleveland about a year and a half ago, so you know my life is... I don't make good decisions, guys. No, I'm not trying to be all depressed like a sad boy,

like every single person out here was in a screamo band, like, I feel so saddened when I feel like this, I speak like this because this is how I feel. Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. No, I do like Cleveland a lot. I've been here. You guys look at me like I'm an actual human being. I appreciate that. I worked in a small town. They look at me like, build that wall. Yes. And I am not Mexican. I'm actually Asian. I come from an Asian family where our motto is don't disappoint a family. And I do. A rot. Thank you, guys. There you go.

You did it. Hell yeah. Aloha. Aloha. Mahalo. Thank you. You ever done stand-up before? Yes, I have. In Hawaii? No, not yet.

Where'd you do it at? I started doing stand-up when I moved to Cleveland a year and a half ago, and I've been doing it for 14 months. Oh, that's fucking awesome. Well, you came up with a lot of energy. Very excited. You came up here with a purpose, not with a goddamn excuse like so many other people. Girls, what are you doing to us out there?

Goddamn it. Don't put your name in the bucket if you don't have anything. You know, if I could give you a note, it would be, you know, write that stuff out. You know what I mean? Like, you don't have to just be like, you know, I went from Hawaii to Cleveland. And, you know, it shouldn't end like that. You could fucking just say, like, I'm a dumbass or something like that. Anything.

I do. Thank you. Just be very direct. You know what I mean? You don't have to act it out. And yeah, I mean, 14 months, that's not bad at all. What do you do for a living? I work at a budget dumpster company. A dumpster company?

Whoa! Whoa! Dude, let's bring the garbage man on stage. Have sex right now, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm pretty sure he'll put it in your budget dumpster. Well, that's fucking awesome. Amber, we have gone way over time, so much like your tits, we're going to bounce.

There goes Amber, everybody. A very funny lady, 14 months in the game. We did it, guys. Kill Tony Live, Hilarity, Sports Street, Cleveland, Ohio, where anything can happen. We love you how about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez huh Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins Brian the Podfather

Red Band how about make some noise for our friends over at Germax Germax Germax. Germex. Germex.net. Shout out to Sprite. We are all, this is very important, we are all doing stand-up comedy here tomorrow night.

So if any of you are interested in watching the best goddamn stand-up comedy show you've ever seen live, I can guarantee that that will be here tomorrow night, so you might as well do that. For those of you that drove so many hours to be here, which is an incredible amount of people that I met tonight, thank you so much.

From the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate it. I absolutely love doing, we all love doing these shows on the road and getting to meet so many cool, compelling, different characters. And it's great to be home in Ohio. I love you guys. Have a great night. Thank you. She's got a worry too Send a kid and a pony up there

And we're ready too On a little trip with a driftwood lift go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock Living in sin with a sight to fear Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock I got the record from my mom.