KILL TONY - KILL TONY #289

Episode Date: August 30, 2018

Ethan Klein, Hila Klein, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 08/20/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is red band and you are listening to kill Tony. Check out our website, death squad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, both audio and video. We also have tour dates, click on tour dates and we're about to go on the road. Not only are we at the comedy Store every Monday at 8 p.m.,

but we're also about to go on this big tour. It starts off in Lansing, Michigan, then Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan. Then we're going to go up to Toronto for Just for Laughs, and then it's Kill Tony Mania. That's two shows in one night in San Francisco, California at Cobbs. Then we're going to Swansea,

Massachusetts, then San Antonio, Texas, Austin, Texas, Houston, Texas, Fort Worth, Texas, and a bunch of other places. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website that's

tony hinchcliffe.com for everything golden pony tony hinchcliffe.com also the house artist he draws every single episode ryan j ebelt.com there you have the kill tony poster and the book and everything ryan draws ryan j ebelt.com And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's where the Kill Tony t-shirt is and all the Death Squad merch. So if you're looking for a Kill Tony shirt or a Death Squad hat or mug, go to shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red bank coming to you live from the road famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for tony hensclough what the hell what's's up, everybody? Make some noise. You're here at the Comedy Store for the number one live podcast in the world.

Brian Redban is here. The great Ryan J. Ebelt over there already beginning drawing tonight's episode. We're excited. How are you guys doing? You pumped for this or what? This place is packing up fast. Everything's happening. And so are our YouTube listeners out there. We are streaming live on YouTube right now. Hello, guys. And for those of you listening to the podcast or watching the live stream, fun stuff coming up. The 20th, 21st, and 22nd of September.

We're in Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Detroit. There's stand-up shows and Kill Tonys for all of those dates. And then the 25th through the 28th of September, we are in Toronto, Canada, JFL 42. I'm doing some stand-up shows. And then on the 28th at midnight, you get your very own Kill Tony in a gigantic theater. And I just found out, we just found out today, who the guest is going to be. And let me tell you something, Toronto. It doesn't get any better than who's going to be the guest that night.

Period. I can say that with no hesitation. Are you going to say who it is? Should I? Yeah. Really? Yeah. All right.

Hit something. The guest for that night, Kill Tony, live in Toronto, will be Joe Rogan. Wow. Everybody loves him. Brilliant. Good body. Great mind. Joe motherfucking Rogan.

I'm doing stand-up in Chicago at Zany's October 3rd through the 6th. And then October 12th, it's Kill Tony Mania. That's a big one. Two Kill Tonys in one night live from Cobbs in San Francisco, California. The first ever Kill Tony Mania. And then the 18th through the 20th,

I'm at Comics Mohegan Sun somewhere in Connecticut. So for those of you four listeners from that area, buy fucking tickets, please. November 9th, Venus de Milo, a very fancy venue we're doing, some real Game of Thrones shit,

in Swansea, Massachusetts, a 1,000-seat venue right between Providence and Boston. And between Providence and Boston, I am very aware that I'm lying to you Bostonians. It's 50 minutes away from Boston and 10 minutes away from Providence, but why not get in the fucking car and buy some tickets? November 13th,

San Antonio, Kill Tony and a stand-up show. The 14th, Austin, Cap City. The 15th of November, Houston Secret Group. And the 16th and 17th, two stand-up shows each night and a Kill Tony on the 17th. Holy shit. Hey, you guys want to hear something funny?

November 29th to December 1st, I'm performing at a place all by myself called Magoobie's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland. Wow. I make no sense. I literally take pretty much every gig that is offered to me. Anything that my agents or managers say, hey, we got this offer, I'm like, let's take it. You know, hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy.

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Yes. Make some noise for ZipRecruiter, everybody. How many of you out there own a company? Clap your hands if you own a company and have to hire people sometimes. You do? Really? What kind of company do you own? CNC what? What the of company do you own? CNC what?

What the fuck's a CNC? CNC music factory guy. Is that a real thing? I have no idea what that is. You know, these kids are up to crazy things. I have no idea. I'm 34, Brian. Did you know that? Did you know I'm 34?

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Every week we have two of the funniest human beings on this podcast. I am so freaking excited about this. I love these two. I love their podcast. You know them. You love them. It's their first time ever on Kill Tony, so let's give them a big Comedy Store welcome for the great

Ethan and Hila Klein, everybody! The H3 Podcast. Yeah. Whoop, whoop. Here we go. I am so excited about this. I think you guys are the coolest. I love

everything about you. Really? Yes. I'm so pumped. Thank you. I love your guys' chemistry. Really? You guys sometimes remind me of me and my Australian wife. I have an Australian wife. Exotic. Yes, indeed. And I think you guys are awesome.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I think you guys are great too. You're waiting for me to reciprocate, it looks like. I'll take it. I'll absolutely take it. I love you guys' show. You guys are great. This is great. A lot of fans are excited about this. This is like a big podcast clashing, if you will. How many of you are podcast fans out there? Huh?

God bless. God bless all of you. I always love it when we have new guests on the show and I'm pumped to have you guys here. We're going to see a lot of crazy stuff tonight. We're going to meet some wild people. Maybe we're going to meet some normal people. Maybe we're going to meet some normal people. Maybe we're going to meet some of the

future talent of the world. Who knows? Anything can happen. One of my favorite parts of this show is that we have a band. And every week, the band plays different characters. They commit to the characters throughout the entire show. They're absolutely hysterical. I never know what they're going to do. Nobody knows

what they're going to do. They've been in the back hiding all night. Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Let's see. What's it going to be tonight? Oh

my goodness. You've got to be kidding me. Looking good. Wow. It's got to be kidding me. Looking good. Wow, it's definitely pregnant women. Wow, wow, wow. Jeremiah is pregnant with a tub of ice cream. Joel has pickles. Chroma Chris.

This is incredible. Wow. Jeremiah really having to dig deep into his character to eat ice cream on stage. He's just trying to... We've never seen this before. He's just trying to find an excuse. Wow.

Jeremiah, what are you, 17 months pregnant right now? Are you okay, pregnant Jeremiah? What should I call you? Oh, Felicity. Oh my God, this is my seventh kid. Oh my God. Felicity, why do you have the same haircut as Gary Shanling? Same, Baba.

I love it. And then we have Chroma Chris, who's clearly pregnant Howard Stern tonight. And then we have what appears to be a pregnant Mexican Oompa Loompa for some reason. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I can't have a good time. I'm here to put a dent in my baby's head tonight.

What? Joel Berg is in the house. It's ironic you're making fun of us for being beautiful pregnant women when you look like an aborted fetus, Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, come on. How dare you. Share some of that ice cream with me. No.

My God. I have never seen a 55-year-old pregnant woman before. They've saved my eggs four times already. All right. Well, this is going to be interesting to see how pregnant women commit to a podcast for an hour and a half. But last time I said that, you guys were the red hot chili peppers and fucking destroyed uh so here we go let's get into it I have an entire bucket filled with names uh over I think 60 or 70 50 60 70 people signed up for the chance they're all over there hi comedians and then some are even scattered throughout the audience maybe it's going to be somebody's first

time you never know what's going to happen. You get 60 seconds on stage, and then I interview you afterwards. I can ask you anything that I want, and we'll see how honest of an answer I get out of you. The more honest your answer is, the more fun this always is. 60 seconds, you'll hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Whoa. Yeah, you feel that angry West Hollywood bear. Whoa. Yeah. You feel that? I'm terrified. Yeah. It's extra scary tonight for sure. You guys ready to do this? It's Kill Tony with Ethan and Hila Klein from the H3 podcast and a bunch

of pregnant women. Alright. Black helicopters. Here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of James Richards.

Here we go. It's not easy opening up this show. James Richards. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Do we already have a blacklist?

How does it happen? You know, sometimes I feel like people don't know when they sign up on the patio what room they're going to or anything like that. I always feel like somebody's waiting in another room to get called up. That was his one shot. Wow, he left just like the father of my baby. What else is new? Wow, this is definitely a new name. I like this name.

I'm excited to see what is about to go down here. Put your hands together for Frida Jamila Johansson. Wow. Here we go. From right in the front. Okay. And just to make it clear, it's Freida. Freida! Yeah.

So, hi, I'm Freida Johansson. I'm from Norway, and I love America. Yeah! But, yes, I do. Thank you. But what I really, really hate the most, there's one thing that I really, really, really hate about America.

Sales tax. Not that we have it, but the fact that they add it after. When I go to a fucking store, I, can I say that? Yes. When I go to a fucking store, I wanna know what the fuck I'm going to buy. Like, what do I have to pay? I want to see the fucking label on the shelf.

You're hot. Yes! Yes! Wow. There you go. All right, Freda. Yes. Oh, my God.

At least get that set to full term. Oh, my God. Freda, this was your first time on the show, correct? First time, yes. First time doing stand-up? Yes. Wow. Very cool.

Nice. Thank you. So it's no secret you hate America. I hate sales tax. You hate the what? I hate sales tax. I'm actually looking for a green card if anyone's available. I like men from prison and druggies.

Wow. So, okay. What did you say? What was that last part? I like men from prison and druggies. You like men from prison? Wow, you'd like the father of my baby then. I know, right? Stolperg. So, is that true? You really like guys from prison? Wow, you'd like the father of my baby then. I know, right? It's all a perk.

So, is that true? You really like guys from prison? Yes, my first, not boyfriend, but first date ended up killing himself. Is that true? Yeah. Oh my god, that's like a romance novel I'm reading right now. I like to think of it

as a really late abortion. Oh my god. How did he kill himself? He as a really late abortion. Oh, my God. How did he kill himself? He was a druggie. Yeah? Yeah. He overdosed? No.

Tylenol? He had a five-month glee. What was that? Shitty person, though. He was a shitty person. It sounds like you're into that. And you said that he didn't overdose. How did he kill himself?

Honestly, I still don't know. Wow. He didn't tell you how he killed himself? No. How did you find out that your ex-boyfriend killed himself? Instagram.

R.E.P. He was such a good guy. Did you say R.E.P.? R.E.P.? Yes, he's from Norway. Rest in peace. I'm the beach. R.E.P., he might still be alive.

This guy's just trying to represent, Freda. No wonder you don't know how he killed himself. He's alive and well. Wow. You're such an interesting character. I am. I know. I'm actually an actress in Norway. Norway. Yes, I am.

And we are off and running. Joelberg is already hitting full stride. His baby just fell out. This is incredible. Now, Freda, how long have you been here in America? On and off for three and a half years. On and off. Are we talking about drugs or America?

America. Three and a half years back and forth. Right. And you keep going back to Norway do you use drugs? no not at all you just like guys on drugs yes no drugs no drinking

no sex no anything you don't have sex? I'm a virgin you're a virgin? yeah and I haven't had 19 kids why is it that you like guys that do drugs? Yeah, and I haven't had 19 kids. Why is it that you like guys that do drugs? I don't know. You don't know?

No idea? Huh. That's interesting. It's a specific taste, but for no reason at all. Find that so intriguing about you. I guess I'm so good that I need something bad. Right, sure. So good that you need something bad.

Oh, my God. Somebody put a bullet in this woman. That's impossible. Is there a reason why you maintain your virginity? Is it just you haven't found the right guy? Or is it like religious beliefs? No, I'm scared of it. You're scared of it? Yes.

What are you afraid of? Being fucked and dumped. By the way, the butt counts. I don't do butt stuff. I don't do anything. I barely suck. And have you had sex with your ex-boyfriend who is a REP? No. Never did are you sure you guys were dating by the way because you found about suicide on Instagram

It was brief of course you don't have sex with anybody of course it's gonna be a brief relationship What are we talking about? Good luck with that green carpet? Yeah Exactly how sure how are you planning on getting a green card. Yeah, exactly. How are you planning on getting a green card if you don't have sex with people? I don't know. You know, my friend there,

she always tells me I better put out, but... Yeah, she's right. Yes. She's got good advice for you. Wow. And did she tell you not to come up here today also? No. She told me to go.

She's full of good advice. Yeah. I got fucked and dumped and I'm still a slut. Did you always want to do stand-up? Oh, yes, always. Really? Yeah. Say it like...

It's my passion. Your accent makes you sound like you're lying. It's been my passion since three weeks. Absolutely. Oh, always. Since I was a kid. Oh, my God. I'm actually funny in my country, though.

Just FYI. What? We don't understand Norwegian. Repeat it. I'm actually funny in my country. Are you? Yes. Can you give us an example of a joke you would do in Norway that would kill?

It doesn't have to get a laugh here. Just give us an example of a joke you would do in Norway that would kill? It doesn't have to get a laugh here. Just give us an example. Oh, the waters are so choppy, am I right? Like that. What? Whoa. What? Could somebody please get subtitles for this woman?

Say it again. Say it again. Freda, up here. I actually speak five languages. None of them are funny. You sound like you're speaking all five at once sometimes when you're answering these questions. Yeah, I do, Tony.

You know Klingon isn't a real language, right? Norwegian is a real language. She just told you to suck a dick. I fucking wish. Well, Freda, I'm glad that you came up here to do this. In a week, I actually leave, so this was really big for me. Eureka actually leaves.

In a week, I actually leave. Oh, in a week, you actually leave. In a week, you actually leave. Got it. Got it. Do you always dress like a Kleenex tissue box? I'm 12. I'm a virgin. She's obviously clueless.

No, that was two weeks ago. That was two weeks ago. That was two weeks ago. Alicia Neverstone. No, you're still clueless. All right, there she goes. Her first time ever on stage, Freda Jamila Johansson. Wow. We're getting this party started with a bang.

And by a bang, I mean that. There she goes, right back to the front row. Hi, Freda. You'll get to see other people go up and see what you should have done. She's having fun. She's smiling. All right, stop talking, you two. You're in the fucking front. Have some respect. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Willie Yum. Willie Yum. Wow, this should be interesting. Hello. Here he goes. Willie Yum, everybody. What's up, guys? All right.

Have you guys seen the movie Crazy Rich Asians? All right. I'm not it. Yeah. So a little bit about me. I am 80% Christian. The other 20% is aggression. So I'm 100% passive aggressive.

That makes me a Prius driver. And so since we're talking about suicide, do you guys know Anthony Bourdain? Yeah, so I didn't know him until he killed himself, right? And so he hosts this show called The Earth on Something. What's it called? The Earth Unknown or something? Parts Unknown.

Parts Unknown. Yeah, right, the Parts Unknown. So I didn't know it. Right. So I watched the three episodes and then afterwards I emailed CNN and I said, Dear CNN, I, sorry about what happened to Anthony Bourdain, but are you guys looking for a new host? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't have to be the Parts Unknown, the parts I know, like Chinatown. All right, that's my time. Thanks. Willie Yum. Fuck yeah. I like your style, man.

One of my favorite things about you that sets you apart is that when you forget what you want to talk about, you make a loud, audible noise. Yes, I do. You go, um, like that. It's louder than everything else you do. It's very clear when you have forgotten something. Really hard to pull off a suicide joke when you forget it. I don't know if you know this or how recently you came to America,

but Anthony Bourdain's pretty beloved. And saying you don't know what Parts Unknown is is like saying you don't know what a hot dog is in this country. All right, maybe I'm the only Anthony Bourdain fan in the room. So, Willie, last name Yum. No, it's actually... My God. It's William, but I just spell it differently. My last name is Chang, C-H-A-N-G, but I didn't put it on there.

Wow. That's way less Asian. Yeah. Somehow it's more Asian. Willie, how long have you been doing stand-up? A year and then three months. A year and three months. Yeah, three months.

Is everybody on this show tonight going to speak poor English? This is pretty incredible. A year and three months. Man, you sure didn't rice to the occasion tonight. So stupid. One day we're going to have to put together all of Joel Berg's rhymes with the word rice every time some Asian person talks. That's a compliation. Joel Berg, I'm a horny pregnant bitch.

All right, Willie. So you've been doing it a year and three months. How's it going for you? I guess so far so good. Right. You only forget things every 25 seconds. So obviously you're sharpening your sword. Right.

Absolutely. Not because you're Asian. your sword. Right, absolutely. Not because you're Asian. What do you do for work? I work at Equinox as a personal trainer. Really? Really? I've got to say, for a personal trainer, you're not out of shape, but...

I don't know. I tell people what to do. What, Tai Chi? Really? You're a personal trainer at Equinox? Yeah, Beverly Hills. What do you charge? What's your rate?

He teaches my Lamaze class. What's your rate? $100. $100 per hour? Per session, per hour? Per session, yeah. Do you ever forget on that job, too? Are you ever spotting somebody on the bench,

and you're just like, oh! Oh! What was I doing? Oh! Earth unknown. Oh! Earth unknown. My God.

How dare you? How dare you, sir? So, Willie, what... Is this yours, by the way? I just saw this was sitting here. You left a sword on the table. What is that? It's a samurai sword, Eli.

I just thought he may have left it here. People ever... Did they request you as their personal trainer? Like, how does that happen? Never. Never? No, I don't know. So far, no.

Do you have a lot of clients? Huh? Are you booked? Do you have a lot of clients? No, I just started two months ago, so I don't have any clients so far. Does that make you a personal trainer or a guy that wants to be a personal trainer? I guess trying to be. Literally a personal trainer. He keeps it all to himself.

It's very personal. Yeah, exactly. Hell yeah. I would be furious if they assigned you to me. I'd be like, I'm here to strengthen my body, not my mind. That's great. Wow. So, Willie, how long have you been in America?

28 years. 28 years. How old are you? 39. All right. You moved here as an 11-year-old. Yeah. Yeah. We all knew you were better at math than me, Willie. You didn't have to beat me to it. So what was that like? Where'd you come from? Taiwan. Taiwan. Yeah. It's a big shoe factory, right? It's China. China.

What's Taiwan famous for? Taiwan is famous for, actually, used to build everything that China builds now, but everything got pushed to China because in 1992, Bill Clinton signed this thing called MFN. Is it the same as REP? Kind of different. So it lowered the tax rate from 40% to 8%. So everyone goes to China to manufacture and sells to America. So there you go. So Taiwan is famous

for looking like China? Yes. Yeah. Man. So everything goes through China now. Pretty much. What do your parents do? My dad just became a pastor. He just became a pastor? Yeah.

He's right! Like... How did you know his dad? He became a pastor. He just became a pastor. Yeah. He's right! How did you know his dad was going to be a pastor? Personal trainer at Equinox. I had it already loaded up. A little fun fact. Oh, okay. That makes sense.

A little fun fact. For all these years, Red Band's DJ mechanism only has two possible loads at once. Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I'm looking at what the other one is right now, and I don't know what you're waiting for. Wow. But it's all right. I feel like it makes it that much crazier for the diehard fans of the show to know that sometimes when those timing things happen with Red Band, there's only two possibilities. It's hard work to load up one of those things.

You pretend like you have a bunch of buttons and one's like a dick and balls and you're like, it's raining men. That would be a lot easier. So what was your dad doing before he was a pastor? So he was in the military for about almost 20 years. Which side? In Taiwan. Taiwan? In Taiwan, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, jeez. Yeah, and then he went from there into sales. I don't know what he was selling, but he was doing sales. And then he became a pastor afterwards. So how recently did he become a pastor four years ago four years ago what do you think made him make this change in his life you ever ask him did you find out over Instagram yeah Jesus Jesus yeah well he was a different person before like he was very militant so growing up everything has to go his

way or just get out of the house, basically. Like what? What was the most strict about with you? With me? So I was telling my friend, I lived with my grandparents until when I was three. And when I moved to live with my parents, I ran away when I was eight because everything was so different. And he's telling me to do this do that So I just ran away

Dad I made from Kill Bill pretty much Jesus talks to your dad Every day nice. Yeah, do you know what I talk about? You know what he said to him that got him into the into the biz. Yeah be better to your son. Oh That wasn't it. You ran away when you were eight. Like, how do you, what did you do?

Where did you go? I remember, I just remember, because, so my grandparents, they live four hours away by train. So I remember how to get back home, get back to their house. To their place. Yeah, so I just went to the train station, and then when I was there, I guess I was kind of tall, so they asked me, where are you going? So I said, I'm going to...

You said, parts unknown. Yeah, exactly. Wait, who said, oh, yeah. Are we listening to books on tape right now? What's happening? Yeah, so... Oh, my God, what is happening? This is very interesting.

So you took a four-hour... I feel like he's been on stage for nine months, and I'm about to give birth right now. Yeah. So... Oh, my God. What is happening? This is very interesting. So you took a four-hour trip. I feel like he's been on stage for nine months and I'm about to give birth right now. So you're eight years old. You're on the train. You're taking a train to your grandparents' place? Yeah.

Wow. And you said that you're taller than other people. Is that because you're Asian? I was taller. So at eight years old, they're like, let that tall kid through. So I said, I'm actually third grade, so I'm buying this ticket. I'm doing this train ride every day, and I need to go back home. Can you give me the tickets? And they give me the tickets.

Wow. It's that easy to get tickets in Taiwan. All right, Willie. Well, it was nice to meet you. Congratulations on everything. There he goes. Willie Yum. Moving along. Moving along with a little help

from our friends. You got it. I'm here for you. Fuck yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Scott Anthony. Whoa. Someone else got up for Scott Anthony. Scott, it was your only chance.

Wait, here he comes, Scott Anthony. Oh, yeah. He's a slow walker from the dark side. Come on, everybody. Put your hands together for Scott Anthony. All right. Thank you, guys.

So being 30 years old, I'm dating now, and it's kind of weird. I feel like I'm at a store like Ross, and I'm just kind of shopping around. Except nobody really shops at Ross. They just kind of sell them where the fuck is laying around.

Kind of hope it's going to be the right size. Hope it's not going to be too big. But another thing about dating at this age is you just don't have that same attraction to younger girls. I used to go to these parties, see these younger girls. See one, like, yes, you're coming home with me. parties, see these younger girls, see one, like, yes, you're coming home with me. At this point, now, it's, I say the same thing, but when I see them, I'm kind of like, I want to take you home to your family, make sure you're okay. But yeah, so, but, but yeah, so, you know, another thing that's kind of weird, it's hard when you're dating when you're broke. I finally just met someone that I have something in common with.

She's broke. She's got money, but she's still broke. She's in a wheelchair. She's paraplegic. Don't worry about our sex life. Wow. Wow. Bombing to the last second.

Going all the way through it. Just going through it. You wanted to get it all out there. Yes. My goodness. You are a... There's something sort of scary about you. It's the black.

I've had thousands of people that I've pulled out of the bucket here, and very rarely do I describe someone as scary. And by scary, I don't mean you're an ugly guy or anything like that. I mean literally I feel like an aura of anger and negative energy. Am I close to right

about this? At one time I was a little frustrated, yeah. A little frustrated? That's what you say when you kill a prostitute and put her in your truck. I was a little frustrated that night's what you say when you kill a prostitute and put her in your truck. I was a little frustrated that night. By the way, for you podcast listeners, since I asked him if he was angry and had a negative aura, a layer of sweat came out of his forehead that wasn't there before or while he was bombing on stage.

He uncovered the truth. Scott, how long have you been on stand-up? Actually, this will be my second time on the show. I was the dog trainer guy. We talked about dog trainer stuff. So I think this has got to be my eighth time. I did a couple mics. I'm from San Diego.

So after I got on episode 279, and that one went way better. I like how your answers are short and to the point. I think you're the only one that remembers that, Scott. I'm sure of it, too. I think so. Episode 279. Not only are you a participant, but you're also a fan. Yes. Yes.

So, Scott, what's going on with life? Are you still walking dogs? We're still walking dogs. You know, we're still training them. None of that aggressive stuff. I still have my Michael Victor's in the closet. So yeah, it's been pretty positive. Whose?

What? What's in your closet? See, it's part of what Tony had mentioned before about some of that anger and frustration. What is in your closet? I actually didn't hear what you said. Yeah, me neither. I'm interested in now. I was just talking about you just doing dog training and that.

He's not telling us what's in his closet. What the fuck did he say is in your closet? He said he had a Michael Vick jersey in his closet. Right, right. Uh-oh. There we go. There we go. Wow.

Is that true? Do you really have a Michael Vick jersey in your closet? I do. It's deep, deep in the darkness of the closet. Why do you have a Michael Vick jersey in your closet? I do. It's deep, deep in the darkness. Why do you have a Michael Vick jersey? You know, in case some of the dogs got a little out of line. I thought maybe it might set the tone. Oh, God.

Wait, you train dogs that watch football and read English? Awful. Scott, what's the creepiest thing you've ever done? Let's just get right to the point Tell the truth There's a boy inside the closet Wearing the Michael Victor's Deep, very deep

That's not a pass though We still need to answer It's true Deep, very deep. That's not a pass, though. We still need to answer. Yep, it's true. Yeah, but Michael Vist, he never passed. So, I mean, I... Sorry. I'm just going to continue bombing. I'm going to keep it.

Like I said, we're going all the way. No, you're not. Scott, answer the question I asked you honestly. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done? I don't think he can tell us. Damn, yeah. If I tell you, the police are going to be here real quick. Oh, yeah, I can hear the sirens.

All right, what's the 17th creepiest thing you've ever done? Give me something here, Scott. Fucking anything. All right, give us 20. Give us 20. And don't try to make a joke about it. By the way, he's gripping the microphone so hard that it looks like he's churning

butter. That's just the 99th creepiest thing he's done. My last name is Smith, so churning butter. It's in the DNA somewhere. Wow, you actually tried to be funny again. It's unbelievable. It reminds me of the boxers that get knocked out.

In UFC fight, you see somebody get knocked the fuck out, and then when they come to, they start throwing punches, but they don't know that they're out or in a UFC fight you see somebody get knocked the fuck out and then when they come to they start throwing punches but they don't know that they're out and on the mat already and that the fight's been over for 25 seconds. Tony, I may be pregnant but he's bombing for two.

Hopefully your delivery doesn't end up as bad as his is. We love you. We love you. We love you. Please don't hurt us. Yeah, definitely don't. You don't own any guns, do you, Scott? No, no guns.

Very good. I'm going to stop you there before you try to make a shitty joke. Wow. Scott, what is the most likable thing about you? What's something like a redeemable quality that might uh change all of our minds about you like something good that you've done um i i could uh i can say that i have held more puppies than anyone in this room right now i can say that everything just goes back to dog walking i feel like this is one of those guys that like

only finds any solace in dogs, you know what I mean? And fucking hates humans. The second part of that sentence is, I have also strangled the most puppies in this world. Wow. Look at that. Alright, Scott. Well, I'm not getting much

out of you. Is there anything you guys want to know about Scott? Are you curious about anything? Well, you said it's your second time on stage? Second time on Kill Tony, eighth time on stage altogether. Eighth time? I thought you had a good stage presence. You walked around, you strutted your thing,

you know, you shaked your dick a little bit out there. It wasn't funny what you said, but, like, you convinced me in the body language, so you're half the way there. We'll take it, We'll take it. That's pretty good. There you go. There's a little advice.

A little positive reinforcement. There he goes. Scott Anthony, everybody. He's on Instagram at santhony21. Willie Yum is whereisdenzel. And Freda is Freda Johansson, by the way. And the other guy was black blacklisted the first person out. Dude's hiding something. He fucks those dogs or something.

There's something going on. Something creepy, right? I don't know how to put it. Can't quite put my finger on it. But let's keep it moving along. Let's see what happens here. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Stephanie D. Stephanie D.

Very simple. There can only be one. Stephanie D. Well, blacklisted. Oh, shit. Come on. People are just scared at this point. They think they're going to bomb as hard as everybody else.

You ever break someone up here? I mean, you give... Ever what? You ever break someone up here? What's, you give... Ever what? You ever break someone up here? What's the worst? Honestly, no matter how bad they do or anything like that, I mean, they sort of

just stay in the pocket, like what that guy just did. He was making jokes down to the very end. Right? He's just happy-go-lucky. Yeah, and you know, sometimes bombing on this show is still better than anything else these people have done in their lives. So, you know, it's sort of a win-win situation. Very good point. I like your optimism.

Some of them, you know, know me, so it's sort of like, you know, it's a pleasure for them to get made fun of. And they're on a, you know, they're on this crazy, you know, historical stage that all the greats have been on. So I look at it as a win-win or a lose-lose. It really depends on how you look at it. This is definitely a new name. I'm excited to say it. Put your hands together for Avalanche Phillips.

Avalanche Phillips? Hell yeah. Come on. Make some noise for Avalanche, everyone. What's up? How y'all doing? Yeah, I see it's a lot of white people out here today. How you guys doing? I've been hanging out a lot with my white friends.

Yeah. I love the way my white friends get off the phone. I was talking to my white friend the other day, and white people got the best excuse to get off the phone. I was talking to my white friend the other day, and he was got the best excuse to get off the phone. I was talking to my white friend the other day, he was like, Avalon's, bro, it's freaking almost 8 o'clock. I have to walk my cat. Shit. I have to finish laundry, bro. I have to call you tomorrow. I was like, all right, bro. Talk to you later. Cool. My black friends get off of, black people get off the phone a little bit different. I was talking to my black friends the other day.

I was like, hey, bro, what's going on? He was like, hey, bro, I'm about to walk up these stairs. We got to hit you back. I'm like, hold on. How is walking up the stairs? He's like, yeah, bro, I'm about to open up this door real quick.

I got to call you tomorrow. I'm like, hey, we talking, we talking about taxes and shit. That's my time, Avalon. Thank you. Hell yeah. How did you say your name? Avalanche.

Avalanche. Yeah. Wow. I'm sorry to laugh like that. That's okay. I thought it was Avalanche, but I guess if you call it Avalanche. Avalanche. Forgive me if I misunderstood,

but was one of your jokes that you don't do laundry? Because you said your friend's excuse was, oh, I got to do laundry. It was like real excuses versus, look, bro, I'm about to walk up these stairs. I need a real excuse. Okay. Basically.

Right. You know what I mean? I got you. Yeah, sorry. Avalance, do you only wear size super small? What's going on there? And follow-up question, did you know that if you wanted to, you could easily be a personal trainer at the Equinox in Beverly Hills?

That is true. That is true. That's great. Obviously, you can tell I don't do laundry, so that's back to you. No, this is just running errands today. By the way, white people are really good at tying their shoes if you need some lessons. Avalanche, that might be one of the worst T-shirts I've ever seen in my life. Thank you.

I mean, I don't understand really what's going on there. Did you go to the store and ask for something that looks like a like one of those industrial paper towels? It looks like what you wipe off the dipstick with at an oil change place. Exactly.

He's lactating, Tony. Leave him alone. How long have you been on stand-up? Consistently, I would say the last three months. Oh my God. Breadpan. That is not how that works. Breadpan. Oh my God.

Consistently the last three months. Avalanche. Consistently. For three months? Consistently. Every night almost, just out here grinding. You just keep repeating consistently, but I didn't hear the numbers. Consistently.

I said consistently the last three months, but off and on for the last four years. Four years. Oh, okay. Three years consistently. Listen, can I ask a serious question? Yes, Joel Berg. Honest question, you ever fucked a pregnant chick? No, and I don't think I want to oh you wouldn't like to

never mind back to you Tony he has nothing to offer me nothing what do you do for work work in real estate what do you do loan officer where do you do for work? I work in real estate. Real estate? Yeah, yeah. What do you do?

Loan officer. Loan officer? Yeah. Where do you sell real estate at? The Green Mile? Okie dokie. Sometimes you got to take chances. You know what I mean? It's an improvised show, people.

It's a small shirt, big, big, big. All right. Oh, my God. I am nauseous. That pocket is so little, I can't stop looking at your tiny pocket. It barely holds the silhouette of your nipple in it. Thank you.

Do you ever put anything in that pocket? I'm sorry? Do you ever put anything in that pocket? Never. Never? Just the nipple. A little mouse when you were at the Shawshank. Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus. The Shawshank joke and the mouse is from the Green Mile. Yeah, that's the prison they're in. It's all the same universe. Oh, really? Yeah. Is it Shawshank? I believe so.

Since I've been pregnant, I've been reading a lot of books. Wow. I liked your set, by the way. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. Yeah, very fun. Very funny. We can tell that you've been doing it very consistently for the last few months. Very consistently.

You said you wouldn't have sex with a pregnant woman. What kind of women are you into? Women. All shapes and sizes? That's a cop out. Come on, you have a taste. No, just beautiful. No type.

Really? Yeah, no preference. What about ones with no legs? No, just ones with legs. Legs optional. What about women? Pulse optional. I'm sorry, you got it.

Post optional? Pulse optional. I don't, like, living? Yeah, that's what I meant. You said all, so I don't know. I'm just trying to see where your boundary lies. I mean, I don't know

where you want to go with this, man. I just like beautiful women. Anything that's nice looking. I'm just a regular guy that likes women like you do. Damn, you're trying to get laid right now. I like that. Me too. I'll spread them again if you want some.

You ever have sex with a Norwegian virgin before? Oh, there you go. That'd be pretty fun. There will be blood. Can I just say black women right here? I like black because she's waving like, you better say me, baby, right here. Oh, that's Afrodite over there.

Hell yeah. You ever have sex with an African queen? Of course. Wow. What do you like to do for fun? Play ping pong. Wow. Wow. There you go. What do you like to do for fun? Play ping pong. Wow. Oh, man.

That pocket's the perfect size. Good. How long have you been playing ping pong for? Since I was like six. Consistently. Since six. Wow. Are you like Forrest Gump style?

Like that good? Literally like More like Bubba Oh my god I can't do it either I wish I could joke Can I throw some jabs back? Can you what?

Can you throw jokes back? Hell yeah Oh fuck I didn't know As long as they're not like Scott Anthony's You can throw them back Okay cool Alright Do you have one? As long as they're not like Scott Anthony's, you can throw them back. Okay, cool. All right. Do you have one or were you just asking?

Oh, yeah. I'm just looking at your feet right now and trying not to throw up, really. Oh, shit. Your feet just got fucking roasted. Damn. They got roasted. Damn. Oh, shit.

I literally. Jeremiah. You got roasted. Damn. Oh, shit. I literally. Jeremiah is in full character. He is bare feet. And to stay committed to character, his feet are disgusting and swollen like an actual pregnant woman. So for you podcast listeners, Avalance is right. Am I saying it right? Avalance, yeah. Avalance.

That's right. He has heels on the side of his feet. Like, why are your heels on the side of your feet, bro? It's really hard to roast a person's feet. Are you a foot person? Do you have a foot fetish? No. I'm just trying to get away from these, and I'm trying to, like, scoot up a little bit.

But no. Try harder. No foot fetish. Avalon's. Do you ever think about playing ping pong professionally? Nah. Just like to do it for fun. Right. Yeah.

Sorry. Have you ever taken like a date to see you? You ever show off your ping pong skills? Of course. Really? Yeah. Does that work? Yeah. It works. Because they don't think I'm a black guy. They that work? Yeah, it works. Because they don't think I'm a black guy. They don't think I play ping pong.

It's kind of weird a little bit. They don't think you're a black guy. Your skin color changes when you play ping pong? No. It's like, damn, he's so good. Because I'm a black guy, they don't think I play ping pong. Do you have any more foot jokes? I'm thinking right now.

Yeah, I bet you are. You look like a football player who got cut on ballers. Damn, you just got lit up by a pregnant lady. Hello. I love how deeply into their soul Jeremiah stares when he's offended by something. Don't stare too long, you might fall in love. Try not to.

Yes, you can... Together we will be Wakanda forever. All right. Avalon, you had a great set up here. It was nice to meet you. Thank you. The consistent work is definitely paying off. Very good. Good set, it was really funny. It was nice to meet you. The consistent work is definitely paying off. It was nice to meet you.

There he goes. Tight sweatpants, small shirt, unlaced shoes. This guy's got style. There he goes. One more time for Avalon, everybody. It's all happening. happening man look at that pregnant woman she is fully committed I love it you guys having fun out there you get it all right this is the one word name we one-word names on this show. Let's see what happens. It's Seth.

Seth. Seth, everyone. Boy, that looks like Seth if I've ever seen one. Hello, everybody. I want to talk to you a little bit about perspective. When I was dating, I called up this girl to go out with me, and she told me, over the phone, I won't go out with you, period, which kind of hurt my feelings.

But I thought about it, because she said it, right? So it wasn't in text. I didn't have any punctuation. So I thought about it, and here are the two options I came up with. All right? Okay, so I'll give you a minute. I hope everybody can see it. But it says, I won't go out with you, comma, period.

That's the hurtful one. But it says, I won't go out with you, comma, period. That's the hurtful one. And the other is, I won't go out with you, colon, period, which is an excuse. And I appreciated that. Yeah, I appreciated that. So it all depends on how you look at it, right? I'm married now.

I've been married for eight years. Yeah, married for eight years. Not to this woman. To a different one. To a different one. And I realized after we've been married that she got into the relationship for very different reasons, right? She got into it because she looks at me as a group project. And...

Fuck yeah. That's cool. You know... Seth, some people are going to tell you that you did bad here tonight. Sure. Sure. They're going to tell you that they're going to be on the internet, the comments.

They're going to tell you that. The audience, they're going to tell you that. Me, I'm not going to tell you that. I fucking loved what you did here tonight. I appreciate that. Can I say this? I appreciate that. I've never met a person more named Seth

in my life. You're the Seth-est person alive. And by the way, tax season is coming up. I appreciate you taking time out of your CPA gig to come here. You look like I googled stock photo of white guy.

Also, also, you guys, I didn't know Drew Carey lost so much weight. The price is right. Is this not a gag? Do you dress like this? Are you goofing on us with this outfit? No, this is... Is this your day-to-day? Kinkos, right?

No, this is what I wear when I perform. I was an attorney in North Carolina before moving out here. Were you named Seth back then? What's that? Did Seth come with the outfit, or was that your real name? That is my real name, yeah. Wow. Do you still practice law?

No, uh-uh. My wife and I moved out here last August. She took a job, and so I'm home with the kids now. What does she do? She teaches accounting at USC. She teaches accounting at USC. She teaches accounting? Yeah. And you stay at home with the kids?

Yeah. Yeah, we've got three. Wow. Yeah, we just had one actually last week. Congratulations. Look at you. Very, very cool. Yeah.

I can't believe your balls are operational. Did the doctor give your wife an extra stitch? No, actually. No tearing. No tearing. A little small baby. Yeah, it's actually... Or a very big vagina.

Yeah, well, third baby. Third baby. So it all works out. She actually had it in our living room. It was unplanned. Wow. I wish I didn't know that. It was unplanned?

What did she... The pregnancy was planned. Oh. The It was unplanned? What did she The pregnancy was planned Oh The delivery was unplanned You put a tarp under there? How do you handle that? You get on your Nintendo Switch?

Yeah she She yelled Yahtzee And the kind of thing just happened Yeah Yeah basically On blankets and towels What made that happen? What'd she do?

Hook up with Avalon? Right before Yeah His dick's so big He broke her water. Get it, people? All right. But I am genuinely curious.

Was there a cleanup process? Yeah. Yeah, a lot of laundry. Yeah. Stanley Steamer. Yeah. Interesting. This is actually Stanley Steamer right here.

Never mind. I'm not exactly sure which one of the pet boys you remind me of, Seth, but it's definitely one of them. Sure. Yeah. So, my God, that is incredible. You gave up law.

Now you just keep making babies. Yeah. And your wife teaches accounting. What kind of law were you doing? Transactional work. Transactional work. Small businesses. Family- owned companies.

Now, do you have to do that in its own bathroom or how does that work? No, I had an office. Okay, exactly. Seth, you're the first person in Kill Tony history to take the mic out of the mic stand at 57 seconds. Yes. You were really ready to get down to business. It was a risk with the poster board. I understand that.

Huge risk. Yeah. Huge risk. But you have to take them, right? Yeah, I mean, some risks you have to take. Yeah. But, yeah, no, I understand that. I didn't really understand the joke.

That's part of the catch with if you're going to do something that elaborate, you've got to make sure it's clear. Do you understand punctuation? No, no. I understood what you were trying to do something that elaborate, you've got to make sure it's clear. Do you understand punctuation? No, no. I understood what you were trying to do, but you lost me a little bit on the setup. If that makes sense. Wow. I imagine

in parentheses after he said that, the word dummy. Wait, did you say this was your first time? Yeah, the tone of that was very condescending. Of the punctuation time? Yeah, the tone of that was very condescending. Of the punctuation thing? Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree.

Do you feel it? Yes, I understand punctuation. Just a kick. I'm in the goddamn writer's guild. I know, I know. And I'm in the dick writer's guild. Did he say, have you done stand up before Yeah I've been doing this for 8 months

And have you ever done the poster board thing On stage before Has anyone ever given you A clap for it Has it ever worked Yeah it's worked Every time I've only done it two other times,

but it worked. Where'd you do it at? Your guys' favorite club, Flappers. And at the Ice House once. I hate it when people call that place a club. It's so funny. So once at Flappers, but once at the Ice House. I did the Dave McNary

variety show on a Sunday evening, and it worked. Ooh, the Dave McNary variety show on a Sunday evening, and it worked. Ooh, the Dave McNary variety show. Well, you know, that's where it happened. Alright. Yes? Do you have any questions? It feels like a boys club up here. Have you thought about a new wardrobe?

I have not, but I'm open to suggestions. Anything. Well, anything else? Alright. Yeah, you seem very stiff. I mean, your material is very stiff, open to suggestions. Anything. Well, anything else? All right. All right. Yeah, you seem very stiff. I mean, your material is very stiff,

but you seem very stiff on stage. You don't see a lot of comics dressed like that. Most comics are dressed like down. They're actually wearing hoodies and shirts

and stuff. They don't, I mean, I don't know. Yeah, it's overkill. You're dressed already what your face looks like. Sure. Does that make sense? All right. Well, dressed already what your face looks like. Does that make sense?

It could work, but you put yourself at it. You set the expectation high with that outfit. You're like, damn, this guy needs to kill or that outfit is killing me. Groomsman. Maybe practice a little more and then you can don the Clark Kent. Have you ever shot an AR-15?

What was that? Have you ever shot an AR-15? No, actually. Have you ever shot a gun? A BB gun. What's the toughest thing? In a Christmas story many years ago. Wow.

Yes. This is Watkins. Felicity. Wow. Yes. Wow. Mrs. Watkins. Felicity. That is good. What is the toughest thing about you, Seth? We're making jokes about what a softie you are. Yeah, there's really not much. Come on, there's got to be something.

What's like something for you? Lawyer is pretty tough. Yeah, he didn't work out, Hila. Yeah, yeah. He's not a lawyer anymore. I mean, I've shot crows with the pellet gun to keep them off of my in-laws' yard.

Oh, you killed Brandon Lee? You son of a bitch! But no, I'm not a very tough person. I don't try to betray them. You ever break the law? You ever jaywalk? I've sped and jaywalked, sure. You admit that? Yeah, I admit that. I know.

Are you ticklish as fuck? What, what, Hila? Do you want to tickle me? I mean, are you ticklish? Generally, that question's followed by an actual tickle attempt, so. Relax, Seth. No.

Answer the question. I'm not that ticklish. You're not that ticklish. I am ticklish, but not. Do you have a Vespa? I feel like you're a Vespa guy. No? So when your wife's tagging you. What car do you drive? Good question. What car do you drive? We have a Vespa? I feel like you're a Vespa guy. No? So when your wife's tagging you.

What car do you drive? Good question. What car do you drive? We have a Subaru Legacy. Yep, yep, yep, yep. There's literally no other car you could be driving. I mean, that's really, that's a Seth mobile right there. Yeah, it is.

No, it suits me very well. Yeah, and then we have a Honda Odyssey because we have three kids. Oh, yeah, you do. All right, Seth. He's got laser beamed. How old are you? I'm 31. 31.

Three kids. How old is your oldest kid? Wait, I heard gasps when he said 31. Do I look older? Anyway, she's going to be seven in November. Why are people gasping at 31? Is he older than you think? He looks a lot older.

It's a lot of kids for 31. 31. How old do you think you look? I don't know. 28. Do I look really old? Look at that laugh. Look at that laugh you just got.

That's incredible. That's your new opening joke. Throw the poster board away. There he goes. Seth, everybody. incredible. That's your new opening joke. Throw the poster board away. Yeah. All right. There he goes, Seth, everybody. He's on Twitter at STLawrence7. STLawrence7. There he goes.

Back to his role on the hit show The Office. Not exactly sure which character, but one of them. If you're wondering if he's a Mac or a PC, he's a PC. Did you ever have a dress-up, like a jacket? Did you ever wear something special when you were on stage? I did. I once dressed up way too much for a comedy contest in Pasadena.

I had just started stand-up comedy weeks in, and there was a comedy competition. It was the only way to get on stage at the Ice House at the time, and I was taking buses. I took two buses wearing a shirt and tie all the way. I was just like Seth here, except I even had a fucking tie on.

And I came in second place that night, only a couple weeks in the stand-up. You pulled it off. You want to know what I won second place? A side of french fries. That is not a joke. Tony, you're not going to believe this.

Once for a comedy show, I dressed up as a pregnant woman. Yeah, but that's your passion, man. That's your dream. You love dressing up as a woman. We all know that. Killing it. Damn. Damn. I'm surprised we've never seen Jolina pregnant before.

Yeah, she gets abortions. All right, I believe we've had this person on the show before. This name feels familiar. Put your hands together for Kiernan Ben-Coyle. Kiernan Ben-Coyle. Here we go. He has a nice steady pace. Here he comes.

How polite. Put your hands together for Kiernan Ben-Coyle, everyone. So I... Oh, God. I recently found out I'm attractive. Yeah, I found out because a stripper told me. It was great. She was like, Kiernan, you are so handsome.

You are so smart. You are so funny. You're so smart. You are so funny. You're likable. You're worthy of love. You're enough. And you're nothing like your father. And I was like, Mercedes, I'll give you $20 if you just read from the card one more time. That's all I need to hear.

That's it. Kieran and Ben Coyle. That's a I need to hear. That's it. Hearing in Ben Coyle. That's a good bit. Hitting the eject button a little early there. Yeah. How long do you think a minute is? I timed it out, and it was a minute, and then I had my... That's a minute right there.

My voice was all weird in the beginning, and I was... So I cut it down a little bit. I was going to say, even that cough couldn't really help you reach the lane. That was the best part of your bit. Yeah. It wasn't really, yeah, all right. That wasn't planned, the cough? No, no, it wasn't. Wow, I'm surprised.

I would write it in. I would write it in.'d write write in the cough Yeah, definitely. You could just write it all coughing. I'm gonna put that in my notes right now. Just cough I love the Oh God that happened after the cough too. That was a good tag. That was great Oh God, I thought it was like a Trey songs thing. I thought he's gonna say Oh God then started stand-up No I started stand-up. No. Nobody listens to Joe Salmas?

Are you actually writing? I wrote it this morning. Yeah, let's see. Cow farts, global warming, billboarders change time, and then, oh, all right. I'm sorry. What was that? I need to stop apologizing.

Was that your set list? No, that was just stupid shit I write down. What does it mean? What did one of those mean? A cow farts is like, there's this guy in Argentina who like. Damn. Fascinating. You know, because cow farts, all the methane.

Tell me more about the guy in Argentina. Yeah, yeah. He created a cow fart backpack that turns cow farts into energy. And I thought that was funny. Love that. That's a wonderful energy. And I thought that was funny. Love that. That's a wonderful anecdote. I just wrote it down. Kiernan, I feel like you're if the last guy went into a time machine

back a few years. I know. You have no idea how mad I am that I followed him. I don't know. We're not having good energy right now. It's alright. It's okay. It's you. It's not me.'t know. Okie dokie. We're not having good energy right now. It's all right. It's okay. It's you. It's not me.

It's me. I know. I know. It's okay. What do you do for work? In advertising. No, that's always. The devil.

The devil. Yeah, it really is. I feel terrible. I've done it. You have? Yeah. Copywriter. And how long have you been in stand-up?

Seven months. Seven months. Seven months. How's it going for you? Two more months. It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. I mean, this was all right, I felt like.

I didn't bomb. But it was all right. I got laughs. He's like, right? It wasn't great. It was all right. Okay. That's a fair assessment.

That's a fair assessment. That definitely deserves A bass lick Yeah God damn it I'm sorry That was me Not you

Yeah I got it Okay Thanks for For the record though I appreciate it Tony looks so angry right now No

Look at how You look angry man That's just what Tony looks like Like he doesn't He looks so angry? No, you're wrong You don't know me at all So the look on my face means less than nothing to you

He looks alright Alright You're doing great, I love you, okay? Thank you You got a cute tuchus, okay? You're great Do you go to strip joints? What? Do you go to strip joints? What?

Do you go to strip joints? I have been before, only twice. How much money do you spend? $12 the first time. Whoa, somebody got his dick sucked. I shouldn't count this, but the second time, we were driving up,

and we got there. We tried to park and then he goes, oh, it's like $10 parking. I'm like, I think I can do that. And then he goes, oh, and it's a $20 cover. So we just turned around. I didn't want to spend the $30. God damn. God damn. Damn it.

$10 parking? You paid for the parking? No, I didn't pay for the parking. He was like, it's $10 parking, and then the $20 cover. I love to see him arguing with the attendant for that $10 refund. Yeah, yeah. The strip clubs, they need to validate parking. So that was your second time at the strip club?

Are you counting that as a trip? That does not count. The first one was $12. That does not count. Right. No. So the second time, how much did you spend? Like $12.

Not $12. It was more. It was probably $21. Are you confusing a strip club with like Chipotle or something like that? I really don't. I'm very cheap. How do you spend only $12 instead of making it rain? What is that? Scattered showers or something of making it rain, what is that?

Scattered showers or something like that? Yeah, it is scattered showers. It's got to sit in the back. You know the Jumbos? Yes. Brown Room? That's not a strip club. Are you calling that a strip club?

Yes, I am. To you, yes. To me, it is. I don't do the hardcore stuff. You mean like topless? I like Jumbos. This is great. This is all the internet for my mom to see.

Do you jerk off to the bra section in JCPenney catalogs? No comment. I plead the court. Yeah, how many Claire's catalogs do you have in your cart? Is that really a fear of yours that your mom's going to watch this? No, no. It's just a reaction I had I said it out loud

What does your mom like? Is your mom not like edgy jokes or something? No, she's actually more inappropriate than me What's the most inappropriate thing you've ever seen her do? Oof This is a tough question

in front of these audiences Stop thinking about them No My third childbirth I gave it reverse cowgirl I don't have a story worth your time Hold on a second Felicity Watkins When you say that you gave birth reverse cowgirl

What exactly do you mean by that? Because I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense. I had the dog to go underneath me on the bed. I straddled him, and he caught it and cradled it in his arms. Pretty self-explanatory. All right.

It was beautiful. What were you doing there? Well, you know, just watching. Okay. Okay, bye. Oh, man. Kiernan, what's the craziest thing you've ever done? You seem like a little goody two-shoes.

You don't want your mom to seem inappropriate. You don't want her to see you talk about strip clubs. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Crazy. Anything at all. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Crazy? Anything at all. It's fun. So I'm from Columbus, and we would get a raft on the 4th of July. They have, like, the red, white, and blue.

Red, white, and blue. Yeah. And, yeah, I shouldn't be talking about Columbus with Urban Meyer and all that stuff happening. No, yeah, you can't talk about it. Go ahead. Anyways, we were going down. We would raft.

This is such a bad story. It's a non-story. Well, when you put it like that, it is, Tiernan. Jesus, get to the good shit. You're on the raft going down the river. Then what happens? We would drink on the raft, and it was great. And we would watch the fireworks on the raft, and it was illegal because we couldn't be in the water.

Man, you are fucking out of your mind. That is so insane. He's turned into Bobcat. All right. All right. Anything else? Anything else? No, Kiernan, you're good to go.

There he goes. Kiernan Bencoil. The interview's the worst part. Kiernan's in his head, man. Look at this little baby boy. All right. Let's this little baby boy. All right. Let's see what happens here. Let's see if it's the comedians or the audience tonight.

We have a regular on this show. He's a genius. He's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. He's absolutely hysterical. And every week he writes and performs a new minute out to the internet, live on this show, live in front of this audience. He's one of all of our favorite rising comedians. Make some noise for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet.

MALCOLM HATCHETT JR.: What's up, y'all? The first time I got with a girl, I think she enjoyed my car more than me. Because we was in the car and we was making out and shit. We. And then she was like, just let the seat back and close your eyes. And I did.

And I heard her, but I didn't feel anything. And I looked at her and she was fucking my emergency brake. And that shit turned me on. I was like, say my name. Say my name. She was like, uh, uh, Honda Corp. Honda Corp. Hmm. And then she called me the next day and said she was pregnant.

I was like, hello? Oh, you're pregnant? Let's get Jake from State Farm on the other line. And then she called me the next day and said she was pregnant. I said, hello? Oh, you're pregnant? Let's get Jake from State Farm on the other line. I quit jobs because I don't really need the money. Like, you guys got to pay rent. I just got to have enough gas money to move my car on the other side of the street. When they come around with street cleaning.

Malcolm Hatchet Fuck yeah Is that a true story? What? Some chick had sex with you E-break? Well we was We was fucking But she put it in that tooth

Wow Really? Damn It was a long time ago How thick was the E-break? Just out of curiosity It was It was a little one

A little dog dick And how thick was the girl? Big girl Yes she was Yeah The E break just said it was it was it was it was a little one dog. Big, big girl. Yes, she was. My knee was all in that shit. Damn. Car sex is not easy. She was you were on you were sitting shotgun or driver's seat driver's seat. I like when they hit it in the horn, be beeping this. Wow. I like to fuck white people.

I want to be walking a dog. When they're it and the horn be beeping and shit. Wow. I like to fuck white people up when they be walking a dog. When they're walking their dog and shit? Yeah, at nighttime and shit. Damn, I think that's called rape, Malcolm. No, I'm kidding. Make them jump off the curb. Where does the dog go when you're having sex with these white girls walking their dog? No, no, no.

Like, if I'm in the car and then the horn beeps while somebody walks by. Oh, I see. I said it, retard. I mean, stupid, stupid. Oh, you said the N word. R word. You said the R word. Wow, what's up?

Wrong letter. Got those letters mixed up, the forbidden letters. That nigga pregnant. Man, I meant R. Joe pregnant. Do you have any fetishes? Like, do you like to be watched while you're having sex or anything weird like that? Cuckolding?

Yeah, we've never asked you. Do you have anything interesting? I like to keep one sock on. One sock on? To wipe up after? Nah, because I got an ugly right foot. It's real ugly. Damn.

What's wrong with you? Take it off. Yeah, what's so weird? What's so weird? Nah, I'm just playing. I ain't got ugly right foot. It's real ugly. Damn. What's wrong with your right foot? Take it off. Yeah, what's so weird? What's so weird? Nah, I'm just playing. I ain't got no fetishes. I get butt ass naked and go to work. I get butt ass naked and go to work.

That's the only work you go to? Got it. Fuck yeah. Hope you have an abortion. Miscarriage. Malcolm, anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything else going? You have recent Kill Tony fame. You've been working, doing stand-up.

I quit that shit, bro. You quit. You said you weren't going to quit this job. Nah, I'm going to try to get this restaurant job Thursday. Fuck that recycling shit. How long did that job last? Two days. Two days?

When I stopped posting, I wasn't there no more. Right. Malcolm, have you thought of people Venmoing you to quit for them? Yeah. I should have thought of that. That'd be tight. Did you get your car back? Yeah, I got it back.

Ron Funches looked out. Oh, Ron did? Yeah. Ron and some people. Ron Funches looked out. Oh, Ron did. One of our favorite humans, Ron Funches. Hell yeah. Check out his podcast, too. It's fun. Oh, shit. What was I just going to fucking ask you? What were we just talking about right before the Ron Funches?

I don't know. My nipples are on fire right now, though. His right foot's all fucked up. Oh, fuck. Anyway fire right now, though. His right foot's all fucked up. Oh, fuck. Anyway. All right, Malcolm. Well, that's fun. Anything else? Oh, I remember what it is now.

What made you quit the recycling job? Oh, man, it was like 6 to 2.30, and then it was mosquito. 6 a.m. to 2.30? It was cool. It was just like, that shit stink, bro. And then it's like, the machine always broke and dust was flying in my eyes. I can't even see. Fuck that.

Yeah. Fuck that. So what's this restaurant job that you're looking to get on Thursday? It's somewhere in Burbank. Barney's Beanery, how you say that? Oh, yeah. That's a good place. Yeah, I got to interview Thursday.

That'd be tight. I want to be a server so I can talk to the people. Oh, yeah. Wow. Instead of salad? Have you ever been a server before? Nah, I worked at McDonald's to the people. Oh, yeah. Wow. Instead of salad? Have you ever been a server before? No, I worked at McDonald's my first job. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Oh, god. Malcolm, I don't know if you just want to jump right into Barney's Beanery in Burbank for your first serving job. I want to do it. I want to do it. I want to do it.

I want to do it. You're literally going to quit at your first table. You're going to be like, how you guys doing? Fuck this shit. I can picture it already. I just wanna get like 10 minutes of material there. That's it. I quit.

That makes sense. I work for material. You guys don't even have to pay me, man. I'm here for the bitch. Yeah. I love it. Well, a bunch of fun stuff happening. I mean, you're working a lot, and I'm excited.

Why don't we give some breaking news right now while Malcolm's up here why don't we do it let's break this shit and it will go like this little fun fact we got information today flights have been bought

and joining us in Lansing, Grand Rapids and Detroit Malcolm Hatchett everybody stand up shows and Keltonis. Wow, Danny Brown. With Danny Brown as well. Also, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez

will be there. Michigan's getting the full regime. Five dudes in an SUV three days around the state of Michigan. Hell yeah, that's tight. Hell yeah. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. Hell yeah, that's tight. Hell yeah. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. A brand new minute from Malcolm Hatchett.

Let's get back to this bucket. We're going to have a posse. Yeah, it's going to be fun. It's going to be a crazy three days. We'd like to thank Spirit Airlines for making it all possible. You know the only flights direct with no stops to Detroit is Spirit.

No, we're going Spirit? Yeah, we really are. If you want to go United, you can feel free to take a layover and an extra $300 per flight. It's unbelievable. There's no direct flights into Detroit from LAX other than Spirit.

I don't know if you guys have ever flown Spirit. Last time I was on Spirit Airlines, you know the little booklet that shows you if you got in a plane crash? I opened it up and spaghetti just falls out of it. I'm like, I'm never going to... That's what you're going to look like if the plane crashes. Yeah. Jesus. I'm checking nine bags

and they're about $900 a piece. It's going to equal out to the United flight. Here we go. You're going to be fine. Pack light. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Karina Sagan. Sagoon?

Karina. Karina, here she comes from the farthest possible corner. The hot corner. Karina here she comes from the farthest possible corner the hot corner Karina Sagan oh we know this young lady one more time for Karina everyone fuck that mic stand all right my family is from Sri Lanka which is this country below India. And us Sri Lankans, we hate to be called Indian, even though we're the same people. We eat the same food. We practice the same religion. According to all white people, we're Mexican.

My grandpa was born there. And last month he had a heart attack but he still went to church. Because no amount of chest pain is going to keep me from praising Jesus. So bro you got to praise Jesus with Jesus. Go to the hospital. He waited to the next day to call the doctor. Doctor I'm still having these bloody chest pains. Doctor says you need to come into the ER right away. He says, okay, but I just made a cup of tea and I'll have my breakfast and then I'll go.

Doctor's like, if you don't come in now, you could die. My grandpa says, okay, well, I will not die on an empty stomach. Even Jesus had a last supper. That's my tie. Thanks. Karina Sagan. Hi. Hello. Welcome back. How are you? You were on a few weeks ago. I was. You and your boyfriend from the OC, right? Inland Empire. Inland Empire. That's what it is. Yeah. Now,

sort of coach me through what that joke was about. Is the doctor the Indian guy or is your dad the Indian guy? My grandpa was born in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. Yeah, he's the Sri Lankan. Wait, I thought you were Mexican. According to Tony, I'm Latina is what he called me last time.

What are you? Sri Lankan. Really? Yes. No Mexican, no Latina at all? Not at all. What part of Mexico is Sri Lanka? Is that in TJ? Not at all. What part of Mexico is Sri Lanka? Is that in TJ?

I'm Filipino as well. Oh, okay. And you live in the Inland Empire. That's perhaps the most Latina thing about you. Pretty much, yeah. All right. Well, how's life been going, Karina? Life is great.

Life is awesome. I've been going hard with comedy and working. Where do you work? Where do you do? I work at Chili's. I'm the bartender. That's right. Wow.

That's shaped like the bar. That's what you said last time. Oh, no, no. I didn't say that. I don't even get that. I didn't say that. No, Joel said it. Oh, that makes more sense.

There you go. And he got booed. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So what else in life? Any fun facts about Karina? If there was a book called Karina Sagan, what would be some interesting chapters?

Oh, my gosh. My struggle to gain weight. That I can relate with you on. Me too. All you need is cum. I can relate with you on. Me too. All you need is cum.

I've tried it. That's not true. That's not true. He tried a lot of it too. Look, the crowd goes crazy. You haters. I mean, he was a vegan for a while. I don't know why you always do that. Brian loves making fun of veganism.

Me too. Right, sure. That makes sense. I like steak. Yeah, I bet you do. You like meat, don't you? Hell yeah. Tell us more. Is your boyfriend here tonight? He's here tonight.

We've been coming every week. Karina, you might be one of the first comedians I've ever seen up here wearing a pillowcase. It's really an interesting choice. It's like a duvet. Is that what they call it? A duvet? Is that a duvet? Good question.

Welcome to another episode of Is That a Duvet? Is it? Yes. Wow, it is a duvet. There you go. And that was another episode of Is That a Duvet? How long have you had braces? I've had it for a year and six months.

I have six months left. How old are you? I'm 28. Why the late braces? I couldn't afford them before. Treating yourself. Yeah. It was that or a boob job and I thought teeth are probably...

You fucked up. Yeah, that's really the wrong choice. Are you ever like, hey, my braces are up here? Absolutely. You can't fuck the braces Jesus what the hell wow that sound was epic

fuck that's right you can't fuck the braces red band always with the always with the good strategic knowledge but of course red band also says that 75% of all the blowjobs he has ever gotten are bad. They are. True. How many blowjobs have you had?

Two. That doesn't divide by four, dude. You math people. Come on. Oh, shit. by four, dude. You math people. Oh, shit.

Karina, what's the first thing you're going to do? Do you have any big plans to celebrate when you get your braces off? Are you going to do anything crazy? Red band, you're incorrigible. I really want to eat beef jerky. I love beef jerky

and I can't eat it right now. That must be a euphemism for something. Wait to get that beef jerky. And popcorn. What's your favorite flavor of jerky? Egyptian kind. Why? Why would that be the sound effect?

She's a bad school girl. Oh, wow. Egyptian jerky. Wait, that's not a flavor, is it? No. No, no, I'm sorry. Like spicy. Spicy barbecue. Yeah. Good stuff. Oh, yeah. On the way to Vegas, alien

jerky. It's like the spot. Yeah. Wow, all the jerky fans came tonight. Yeah, what the fuck? One person went crazy in the back. One person. You could tell their mouth Gracie in the back. One person. You could tell their mouth was full at the time when they were... Wow. What's different about alien jerky?

You seem like you would eat illegal alien jerky. Still Latina to me, damn it. I did live in Downey for a while So I kind of had to like Get in with the cholitas a little bit Gotta fit in Did you say chalupas? Get in with the chalupas

The old soft tortilla on the outside Of a hard shell My favorite What are these bugs that are up here? You really are Sri Lankan Ever since you came up here There's little fruit flies. It's insane.

I don't know what's going on. Sorry, I opened my legs for a second. All right. Well, Karina, you were up a few weeks ago. Another fun one here tonight. Congratulations. Thank you. There she goes.

Yeah. One of the funniest people that wear duvets, Karina Sagan. She's on Twitter at Rina Deans. R-I-N-A-D-E-A-N-Z. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? Alright. Let's do it.

Let's see what happens here. Okay. Put your hands together for Laura Santa Cruz. Laura Santa Cruz. Laura Santa Cruz. Here she comes. Hey. Oh, hell yeah.

From the audience, your own kind, your final comedian of the night, Laura Santa Cruz, everyone. Hi, guys. So I've been in a relationship for a while. A while. I've been trying to spice it up in the bedroom a bit. So the other night, my husband was cooking us some dinner, and I put on these tiny little jelly bean shorts that I have. was cooking us some dinner and I put on these tiny little jelly bean shorts that I have and I walked out into the living room and I bent over the couch and I look back at him labia hanging out the back and he looks at me he looks at my labia looks at me and he's like babe

do you know the spinach is fucking going bad already? And I look back at him like, pulled my deli bean shorts out of my ass because I put them there. And then I started thinking to myself, well, he's already cooking dinner. I mean, back in the day, I used to have to put my finger in his butt and suck his dick.

For a free meal at Yukaku, my favorite restaurant. And now, I don't have to do anything. So marriage fucking rocks. That's it. Wow, exactly one minute. And I'm guessing there's something I'm really hoping in my heart. And I'm going to take a guess here that that's your first time ever on stage.

Am I right? Yeah. Wow, that's awesome. You knew exactly when the minute was. Did you say your favorite restaurant is Gyukaku? Yes. Fucking unbelievable. I love that restaurant. I love it too. It's unbelievable. Have you been there? No.

I just see your enthusiasm and I'm getting chapped. It's unbelievable. It's fucking incredible. Best happy hour ever. Yeah, I don't day drink, but that's okay. I go there for the food. I like your style. And you got some real genuine laughs talking about real honest shit because I think you do have a big labia.

I believe you. When you said that, I looked at you and I'm like, yep, is this your man right here? Yes. Is that your guy? Hell yeah. When I said that she has a big labia,

he went like this. And he's just waving the smell around. Fuck yeah. That thing must look like Karina Sagan's duvet shirt. Yeah, actually. Wow. What is it he said about your vagina?

Rotten cabbage? Yes, what was it that you said? I didn't hear. Something spinach? No, he was looking at me and he said the spinach is going bad. The spinach is going bad. Well, blow me down.

That's hot. Oh, my God. I prefer the roast beef is rotting next time. It wasn't about my labia. It was. He missed the point that I was trying to fuck him. And instead he told me the spinach was going bad. Oh, he was literally looking at spinach.

Not my labia. He was literally looking at the spinach in the restaurant. We all thought you had a disgusting vagina for a second. That's right. A little tampon shoved in there or something. By the way, whenever you were doing your dirty talk with him, did you say babe

and then you said the word labia to him? No, I just told you guys so you could see the full picture. talk with him? Did you say babe and then you said the word labia to him? No. I just told you guys. So you could see the full picture. And so did my baby inside my belly. The baby vomited? How do you know when the baby vomits?

It's a different vibration than a kick. Sometimes the umbilical cord has to hold the baby's hair when it's a whole thing. So Laura Santa Cruz, you wanted to try stand-up for a while? For a really long time,

but it's really scary, so I haven't wanted to. Well, you popped, unlike the Norwegian prison fucker, you popped your cherry here tonight. Aw. So how does it feel? Is it as scary as you thought it was going to be?

Yeah, it's terrifying. You're in it right now. Wow. I got to say, that was really impressive for your first time on stage. You were, that was great. That was really good. Thank you. Really awesome

Was your first time Everything like you dreamed for Three pregnant women Waiting to hear Yes It was amazing You seem pretty dirty Are you

Are you dirty in real life Wait a second What the fuck I just want to know What her cam page is She's got rotten Spinach vagina man Yeah I am really dirty

When I moved out here nine years ago, I actually started out writing sexual parodies. Whoa. Which is one of my favorite things to do. How was it? Rear factor. I mean, how does the parody play into the sex thing? Rear factor.

They're just all about dick and balls. Oh, like gags. Like gags. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to. You guys. Oh, yeah. There's something there. Is that? Yeah. What do you mean? Can you give us an example? Like gags. Like gags. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to. You guys. There's something there. Is that, what do you mean?

Can you give us an example? Yeah. Okay. I hate big nuts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny. But when a guy walks in with an itty bitty dick and a big bulge in your grin, you get sick. Want to pull out and suck, but you notice that sack was fucked. Them red bumps sure are glaring.

I'm sick and I can't stop staring. Oh, hell no. I don't want to get with ya. I want to cuss and hit ya. My homegirls try to warn me, but I ignored it because I was so freaking horny. Ooh, got that faux skin hanging all down your pants. Circumcise it, resize it it or you ain't getting up inside this What what do we just walk into Wow

Where do I am look at that? She just shook her labias Tony wait Yes, I absolutely hated it it Until I heard foreskin Then I was in You won me over with that I performed that at What was it called on Sunset? Charlie Chaplin's old house

Oh my. Oh, boo. Wow. Is that true? Did you dance? No, no, no. I performed that song at Charlie Chaplin's old house. What is it called?

The Libertine? Yes. Yes. And I burned a whole lot of bridges doing that. You did? Why? What happened? A lot of big nutted gentlemen there.

I have big nuts. All of you. I'll have none of that big nut humor. No, they just thought I was weird. When you bomb at the Charlie Chaplin house, is it extra silent? Yes. Actually, yes. Yeah, you really dropped the balls on that one.

Tell me about your boyfriend's nuts, if you will indulge us. You hate big nuts so much. Tell us about this gentleman's nuts right here. You married him? I married him. They look hairy. I'm not going to lie, man. I like how you threw him underneath the bus and told everyone he liked the finger in his

butthole. Yeah. Finger butthole guy. Tell me how many... Is it little finger, thumb? Good question. Are you hitchhiking? Whoa!

Really? For those of you listening to the podcast, this is a tough-looking... He's either Mexican or Sri Lankan. I can't tell anymore. Horatio Sanz. But he's got tattoos. Looks like a tough guy.

Full beard, black t-shirt. Thumb right up the ass, huh, dude? He's Hawaiian. Wow, that's incredible. Look at you, you dirty bastard. Whose idea was that? Mine. Ah, all right.

And you're just down. You're like, ah, fuck it. Do you request it now that she's kind of popped your anal cherry? Oh, yeah. He does. Cowabunga popped your anal cherry? Oh, he does. Cowabunga did, right? Whoa. Takes a real... I feel like they're up to some other shenanigans.

Does he pick you up like a bowling ball or anything? Not yet. Once you pop a finger in the ass, that's only the beginning, right? Of a rabbit hole that I feel you guys are tumbling down as we speak. I think I read that as a bumper sticker once. That's how you know it's true love with a Mexican couple, when she can put her finger in his fruit basket like that. All right.

Wow. This really isn't my episode tonight. It's really... Anyway. So, I mean, that is interesting. You talked about big labias. You talked about how your husband wants a finger in his butt during blowjobs.

Is there anything else crazy that you're willing to share with us? We're coming around the corner here on the final moments of the show. I wouldn't mind one last big breakthrough moment. I'm a waxing specialist. I specialize in vaginas. And you have a big labia.

That's crazy. Can you tuck it in like a magician's scarf or something when you're at work? All kinds of labias. What do you do with vaginas? I wax vaginas. That's what you do professionally. Is there one vagina that stands out where you're like, wow, that was fun. Tell me about that.

Yeah. Go ahead. Well, you guys had a show. I think it was from where you were from, Tony, and some guy was talking about toilet paper in the vagina. That was Cleveland, Ohio. I can relate with that guy as well. Go on.

Because a lot of people don't shower before they come and fucking get their vaginas waxed. Ladies, please take a fucking shower before you come get your vagina waxed and you have somebody's face in there like this. It's ridiculous. When it stinks that bad, can you tell when you enter the room? I just put powder all over their vagina. I'm just like sprinkling that shit all over.

One time I got my vagina waxed while I was pregnant, ripped the baby right out. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Man. That's fucking crazy. It sucks. Does it fill the whole room?

Do you smell it? Oh, yeah. You're about to open the door, you're like, ooh, this is going to be a tough one. You're like, I'm craving roast beef, I don't know why. It sucks. Can they tell that you're suffering? I'm sure. You're like, damn, craving roast beef. I don't know why. Can they tell that you're suffering? I'm sure.

Like, damn, lady, your vagina stinks. Well, no, I just tell them now, like, next time can you please exfoliate? Meaning, can you please take a shower before you come outside? That translates to, listen, you dirty bitch. Exactly. Are they offended? No, they're really embarrassed so I try to be very sensitive about it

I hate to bring this up but your vagina is the worst fucking thing I've ever encountered in my life you ever had any husbands thank you yes actually a lot of husbands come in with their ladies boyfriends and they drop them off A lot of husbands come in with their ladies.

Boyfriends. Okay, bye. And they drop them off. They're like, take this beast off my hands. Jeremiah's pubes are so long that they got us kicked off YouTube a couple weeks ago. Yeah. Would you be willing to wax Jeremiah's pubes maybe next week on the show? Yeah.

Behind a curtain? I don't think that's going to help with YouTube, by the way. No, we'll have a little curtain. Yeah, we'll use what's-her-name's shirt. Karina. By the way, the look that Jeremiah gave me after I pitched that idea was just like, why would you ever say that, you piece of shit, Tony? That's a man that loves his pubes right there. He really does. If you're wondering what his pub was just like, why would you ever say that, you piece of shit, Tony? That's a man that loves his pubes. He really does. If you're wondering what his pubes look like,

you can just look at the wig that's on his head right now. Basically the exact same thing. I'll let somebody wax my pubes. I don't care. Oh! I can do that for you. Whoa, the neons are going crazy.

I love how sometimes the timing of the sound effects and neons and shit time off. It's so ridiculous. It all seems like it's connected. I'll tell you this. Laura Santa Cruz, for a first time, that was one of my favorite first times ever. Your delivery, you know, clearly first time-esque, but you were very honest. You were very revealing. You weren't shy at all. You're putting yourself out there. I think you

sort of get it. So good luck and congratulations with the future. Laura Santa Cruz, everybody. She's on Twitter at OhSantaCruz. O-H-S-A-N-T-A-C-R-U-Z. And that is tonight's show. How about you make some noise for Ethan and Hila, everybody?

The H3 podcast, available absolutely everywhere. Hey, look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look how cool that is. He drew tonight's episode while it was happening. He was sitting right there the whole time. How freaking cool. You can get your Ryan J. Ebel prints of every show, at ryanjebel.com.

And there's a poster available. Our annual poster is a new one for the five years still available and two different seasons of Kill Tony available on the poster. Anything else from you guys? Anything you want to... That's it. Thanks for having us on. It was really fun.

Get the H3 merch. I'm wearing some of it right now. Look at this. I love it. Thanks for having us on. It was really fun. Get the H3 merch. I'm wearing some of it right now. Look at this. I need to get some of that. That's it. H3. H3 podcast available on YouTube and streaming apps everywhere. Thank you.

Indeed. Jeremiah Watkins was amazing tonight. How about you make some noise for Felicity Watkins, everyone. So much fun stuff. He's got a great podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. Yes, Brody Stevens is the guest this week, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media, at Jeremiah's Stand Up, and there's some new Reagan and Watkins music videos dropping very soon.

Hey, wait. Are we in one of those videos? Maybe? Well, we'll tell them now, yeah. Wow. Red Band, the leak master tonight. Chroma Chris was here tonight, silent but deadly.

Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? I think you really delivered tonight, Tony. There you go. Oh, my God. How does he come up with these? How about some noise for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everyone.

Thank you to Phoenix for coming out and seeing me, Jeremiah, Pat. Thank you guys for doing the show. That's it. Thank you guys for coming. We're looking for sponsors. Hit us up. The band. Sponsor them. You guys are going to get your own sponsors? Yeah, if you own a dealership give us cars for the week.

Whatever. We're going to read our own 10 minutes of copy at the beginning of the podcast. It's going to be great. I love it. Heck yeah. That's great. He just turned into Trump. Yeah. So much fun stuff. ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony

and InfiniteCBD.com and 4Hims.com slash KillTony. You can get all those things and be a real winner. So much fun stuff happening. Go check out all the tour dates that are coming up. And thank you so much, everybody. Thank you, live audience. See you, guys. tour dates that are coming up and thank you so much everybody thank you live audience see you guys Thanks for watching! Thank you.