KILL TONY - KILL TONY #291

Episode Date: September 14, 2018

Chris Pontius, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/10/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony check out our website death squad.tv for all the past episodes also you can click on tour dates and come see us live not only do we record every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in the main room at eight o'clock, but we also are going on the road. We're actually doing a tour, going to Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Toronto, San Francisco, and a bunch of other places. Check out deskwad.tv and click on tour dates. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode.

Check him out, ryanjebelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. That's tonyhinchcliffe.com. All the Golden Pony info and news and tour dates you need is at tonyhinchcliffe.com. If you're looking for all the t-shirts of the Death Squad universe, including the new Kill Tony shirt, go to shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. You're on Red Band Tony Haze. Hi, everybody. Welcome. You guys ready for a great show or what? Brian, Red Band is here. It's another episode of Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. You guys fucking excited or what? I can't hear you Monday night.

There you go. Brian J. E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode from scratch. Yes. Hello to the thousands and thousands on YouTube. Good to be here live streaming on YouTube. And for those of you

listening around the world right now, it's important for you to know that we're on tour. Yeah. Next week we're in Lansing, Grand Rapids in Detroit, Michigan doing Kill Tonys and stand-up shows in Detroit. We just found out. Sold out. The Kill Tony. You can still

catch us doing stand-up. I'm headlining a crazy show there in Detroit. Then the next week is Toronto. We have some bad news for you, Toronto. We found out today that our guest, Joe Rogan, can't make it.

He will not be present there. That's it. Kill Tony is still happening. If you bought tickets just because Joe Rogan was the guest, you fucked up. I still get the number one live podcast in the world, and we'll have a different guest there. It's a big, crazy comedy festival, so we'll have somebody fun.

The week after that, I'm doing stand-up all by myself in Chicago. And then the week after that, Kill Tony Mania, everybody, in San Francisco, California. It's going to be goddamn bonkers. Two Kill Tonys in one night at Cobb's Comedy Club. You can get tickets for that anywhere. Just Google it, Kill Tony Mania. I'm at the week

after that, I'm at the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut. And then the week after that, Swansea, Massachusetts. It's going to be a lot of fun. We're doing Kill Tony. Huge Kill Tony there. Gigantic venue. VenusDomilo.com for tickets. And yeah. I think there's a stand-up show there

too. There certainly is the week after that. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Fort Worth all have their own stand-up shows and Kill Tonys. Fucking chaos. Craziness. And then New Year's Eve, I'm all by myself in Dallas, Texas. Tony Hinchcliffe headlining Dallas, Texas. That's going to be a lot of fun.

And November 30th, I'm at McGoogie's in Baltimore. There's a little reality check for you. One of those silly comedy clubs. McGoobies? Yeah, come on down to McGoobies, everybody. I'm a loser. Come see me at McGoobies. Life is good, though.

I've been working a lot. Doing some secret gigs this week with our friend Joe Rogan and going to find out why he couldn't make the Toronto show. I'm going to dig deep and find it out. Elon Musk, he can't leave the country anymore probably or something. Something like that. Got Elon high. Speaking of great people, every single week I have one of the funniest humans in the world

as a guest on this show. Oh yeah, you know what? one of the funniest humans in the world as a guest on this show. Oh, yeah. You know what? But before I bring out that guest, it's like I could bring out the guest now or I couldn't bring out the guest now. Everything today you get on demand when you want it.

You know what I mean? Yeah, it's great. Just like this podcast. You can get practically everything on demand. Like our podcast. Listen whenever you want, when it's convenient for you. Did you know you can even get good postage on demand?

All you need is stamps.com. Stamps.com is awesome. You can access all the services of the post office right from your desk. You can buy and print real U.S. postage for any letter or any package. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Click print, mail, and you're done. Super easy. I do it from my iPad, my cell phone.

It's great. I've been using stamps.com. This is a cool new sponsor because I've actually been using them for seven years. I have a t-shirt company selling shopsquad.tv, selling my t-shirts and hats and stuff. And it's so easy because I used to take it to the post office and it just took up a lot of time and stuff. And I had to leave my house now i just print it from home i just i actually scheduled them to pick it up they come right to my front door i give them a super heavy thing for them to carry back to their car and it's super easy and you can do it right at stamps.com and right now use kill tony for this special offer a four-week trial that includes postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com.

Before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Kill Tony. That's stamps.com. Enter Kill Tony. Yeah, and you get a free scale with that. It's amazing. Yeah, that's great.

There's no point in not doing it. It's a four-week free trial. What do you got to lose? Nothing at all. Go to stamps.com and enter Kill Tony. That's stamps.com, and then type in Kill Tony. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Let's do it. Every week I have one of the funniest humans in the world. Like I said, this week is absolutely no different. This is his first time as a guest on this show. This is a guy

who, I mean, him and his crew literally cured my depression when I was in high school. One of the only things that ever continuously made me laugh. Another star of the jackass Wild Boys Empire. Give him a big Kill Tony welcome. It's the great Chris Pontius. Holy shit. He's come here live and enjoyed the show a couple times. And now he is here behind the desk, behind the Ichabod's bucket of destiny. And he's pulling out a pouch.

Here we go. He's got his own microphone. Look at this. Oh, here you go. Here's some disinfectant spray. Lavender. I don't want to get herps off one of the house mics. Wow.

Do you guys ever think about that stuff? Oh, yeah. We spray them down. We already have the herpes. Are you Bob Saget clean guy? No, I'm not even a germaphobe. I'm just realistic. I watched you drink horse cum earlier, so I'm pretty surprised that you're afraid of germs.

I'm not afraid of germs. We got two bottles of disinfectant spray. Okay, these sanitizers are annoying immediately. I'm just pretty impractical. Welcome to the show. How's it going? Everything good? It's great.

We're excited to have you on. Thanks for having me. Thanks, everyone, for coming. We have a lot of fun stuff unplanned for tonight. We have a couple things planned for tonight that I think you guys are going to be really excited about. So no matter what happens here tonight, don't leave until it's all over. This is going to be chaos at one point, but we're just going to run the normal show. Oh, really?

Okay, we need a little bit of time. Nothing better than finding that out right before you need a little bit of time Oh, yeah, I guess you didn't see the beginning of the show where Pat started eight minutes earlier, but Wow What does that mean? that means that That we need more time that we have to stall that we have to talk about really anything in the world One of the fun things that is happening is stamps.com is a thing. You can go to stamps.com, type in Kill Tony. And did you know, Chris, that you could have a four-week trial on a free digital scale?

Yeah, I've capitalized on that trial. Actually, I'm dying to capitalize on the stamps. Hell yeah, he loves it. Hey, congratulations, you just got your Twitter handle back. Actually, I'm dying to capitalize on the... Hell yeah, he loves it. Hey, congratulations. You just got your Twitter handle back. I heard you had some guy in Florida. Yeah, some asshole in Florida stole my identity.

And he wouldn't give it back, but he was acting like he was me, not like another fella named Chris Pontius. And he was like some warmonger type fella. And they actually verified him, which is kind of fucked up. They did. I don't know how they did that. But yeah, we took it away. Hey, are we ready for that band?

Huh? Josh? Josh, how can you not hear me? There's just a curtain between us. Okay, great. They're ready. Thanks for the cue, Josh. Jesus fucking Christ. This thing's unbelievable.

By the way, if there's anybody interested in interning here for Kill Tony, something that there's been murmurs about for a while, if you have certain qualifications, maybe like common sense, the ability to maneuver back and forth. So let's just do it. The band comes out as different characters every week. We never know what they're going to be

and what they're going to do. Sometimes they're characters that they've done before. Sometimes they're brand new characters. I don't know what they're going to be tonight. I'm excited. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Tolomance, and Chroma Chris, everyone. Make some noise.

Come on. Wow. Definitely, I believe. Wow. Wow! Definitely, I believe... Wow! This is very, very impressive. This is very clearly the Super Mario Brothers are going to be joining us tonight. It's-a me, I'm Mario! Wow! Ho ho ho ho!

Wow, awesome, fuck yeah. We have what appears to be Mexican Hitler. Back here. And incredible, we have a Pope Toadstool, it appears. Wow, this is exciting. Mario, I'm pretty sure your mustache is upside down. Then you're not a fan of the video game. Oh, I'm pretty sure your mustache is upside down. Then you're not a fan of the video game. Oh, I guess not.

Well, I'm excited about this. What legendary characters to be on Kill Tony. I'm very fucking pumped. Only the best for Chris Pontius. Are you excited about this, Chris? You ever meet the Mario Brothers before? No, I haven't, but I got introduced to Mexican Hitler earlier.

What's his real name? Cholo Menez. I thought you said, it's Cholo? Cholo, basically. It's a Luigi. Wow, such a far stretch for you to play a plumber, huh, Joel? You son of a bitch. Don't talk to my brother that way.

All right, the Mario Brothers are here. Don't talk to my brother that way. All right. The Mario Brothers are here. It's going to be exciting. We're going to get to meet some new stand-up comedians, maybe some old stand-up comedians, with the Mario Brothers and Chris Pontius. What a fun little comedy mishmash this is going to be tonight. You guys excited about this?

People sign up an hour before the show for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then we interview them afterwards. We talk to them about anything in the world.

Sometimes we find out interesting fun facts about them or maybe some things they could talk about on stage or maybe some common sense things they could do to make their set better. You guys ready to do this? It's Kill Tony live. Five years, three months. Chris Pontius is here.

Let's do it. Boom. All right. Everything is set. I'm excited about the Mario Brothers. This is some real rock and roll shit. This looks like a fun name to start the show with. This is probably his first time here. Put your hands real rock and roll shit. This looks like a fun name to start the show with. This is probably his first time

here. Put your hands together for Bubba Smith. Bubba Smith. Is that a real human? Here he comes. Bubba Smith. I don't believe we've had Bubba on before. I think I remember a Bubba. Here he

comes. Yeah, I remember him. It's been a while. Here he is. Yeah, I remember him. It's been a while. Here he is, Bubba Smith. Oh my god, I'm in a dream right now. Howdy, I'm Bubba. How you guys doing? I'm having a heart attack. Literally having a heart attack right now. Just let me catch my breath. Okay, so I'm from Pennsylvania. Anyone from Pennsylvania here?

Very cool, very sweet, very neat. You guessed it, that's right. So in Pennsylvania, they just passed a law for medical marijuana, right? And in order to receive the medical marijuana, you have to give up your right to bare arms. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's not like here at all.

Yeah, it's fucked up. It's not like here at all. My question is, how are you supposed to smoke a joint with no arms? Okay, say you get it in your mouth. Alexis, light joint. Nothing. Fuck. Sorry, Grandpa.

Wow. Well, there you go. Bubba, your dream is about to turn into a nightmare. Yes. Game over You did a right to bear arms joke About not having actual arms Wow Alright

Let's just get into it Bubba How long have you been doing stand up Two years Really where at In a creek by yourself Performing for trees In rural Pennsylvania yes Two years. Really? Where at? In a creek by yourself? Performing for trees? In rural Pennsylvania, yes.

Where? Pennsylvania. P.A. Allentown. Allentown. Hell yeah. That's middle of nowhere. Wrestling land.

I know exactly where Allentown is. Yeah, you do. Yeah. You've been on this show before? No. This is your first time ever here. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Four months.

Four months. Yeah. There it is. You have that fresh Pennsylvania, you know, just coming out saying you're living a dream, bombing for 60 seconds. You know. All the shock, none of the punch.

You got a good look, though. Right? Thank you. I thought that doggy style position that you got into, it was sick. It was rad. Word. It might have distracted from the joke, if anything, to your credit. But yeah, if you were a chick, it would have been sick.

Thank you. I'm going to go with the opposite stance of Chris Pontius here. I'm going to say that you oversold it. I'm going to say that if you are going to go the route of saying that bearing arms and doing a no arms joke, I would probably, first of all, not do that. But second of all, if I was going to, I wouldn't do the full act out. I would basically make the joke about how not only is it hard to smoke without having arms,

but make a joke about, I don't know, lighting it, putting it out, not lighting yourself on fire. I mean, if you're truly going to go with an armless, bare-arms smoke pot joke. Also, Tony, my eyeballs have touched the stage. I agree. I actually agree with you. smoke pot joke. Also, Tony, my balls have touched the stage. I agree. I actually agree with you. I meant the same thing, but I was just trying to be positive in a non-comedy way, but

a different genre of entertainment way. No, it's good. We can do good cop, bad cop. He was doing a good job. Yeah. No, I like it. I like you being positive. It's fun. We're going to give good contrast to each other tonight. I mean, that's like a... I agree. Yeah.

That's what I meant to say, actually, was it distracted from the joke. It was really cheesy, and then you followed it with an Alexa joke, which is like the most over-hacky, cheesy joke ever. Alexa, please write me a better joke. It was really sexy. So, Bubba, cheesy joke ever. Alexa, please write me a better joke. It was really sexy. So Bubba, it's okay.

You know, 60 seconds is 60 seconds. I'm sure you have other stuff that's perhaps better than that. You came all the way from Pennsylvania. Did you drive a pickup truck here? Yeah, I did. You did? No? Did you drive here? I did, yeah.

A CRV, a Honda CRV. What did? No, no. No? Did you drive here? I did, yeah. Okay, what did you drive here? A CRV, a Honda CRV. A Honda CRV. What did you do for work in Pennsylvania? I was an audio-video engineer at a station called, maybe I shouldn't say it, Channel 69 News. Well, they can't fire you now, so you can say it all you want. What do you do now? Well, I was in a really bad motorcycle accident and lost my job, got the car, drove out here. What was the job that you lost?

The audio-video engineer. Oh, no! You were on a motorcycle? Yeah, I was riding a motorcycle. And you wrecked? I was going through a green at 50 and someone in the opposite lane made a left. How many lives do you have left?

Whoa, Joelberg's here. We haven't seen him in a week and a half. So, Bubba, did you have a girlfriend when you got hit by the car? Wow, geez. I didn't realize that was that funny to you. That's like literally a joke to you.

God. Yeah, I mean, if you want to get into it, we can. Whoa, Jesus Christ. Blum, blum, blum, blum. No, no, I didn't. I didn't. I've just had my heart broken many, many moons ago. Many moons ago?

How old are you, Bubba? I'm 30. You don't look Native American. Many, many. So what happened? What do you mean you got your heart broken? How bad did you get your heart broken? Come on, how much worse can it be than anybody else here?

I think I'm just a sensitive, I'm an extra sensitive person, so it affected me more than your average Joe, I guess. Is there a Bubba on this stage talking about how sensitive he is right now? Your name's fucking Bubba, dude. What do you think your dad expected of you? Didn't expect this shit. Honda CR-V, what did I do? Bubba is a lover.

Your parents, they named you Bubba? Is that your real name? No, it's not. Oh. It's not my real name. No, I took the bait on that one. It's your real name? My real name's Austin.

Oh. Yeah. Wow. My dad called me Bubba when I was born, and then in first grade, they take attendance, and they say, Austin, why are you raising your hand for attendance? I'm like, my name's Bubba.

It's not Austin. And then it stuck for the rest of my life. Wow. There you go. There you go. Why do you think your dad called you that? I think just, like, cocaine and football. Cocaine and football? Yeah, he grew up...

He'll tell you straight up. He got involved in cocaine in the 80s like everyone else did, and out came an Austin Bubba baby. Wow. Man, why do you think you're so sensitive, Bubba? Stop being sensitive. I don't know. There you go.

Scare it out of him, Chris. Scare it out of him. Everything I'm doing, I'm trying to grow as a person, man. Being sensitive will do no man no good. I know. You can be a little bit sensitive. You don't have to be a jerk, but you shouldn't be sensitive.

And a lot of men nowadays are being tricked into what happened to you. Pretty much everyone that's your age. But it's gotta end. What if something goes wrong? No, Bubba, don't touch the guest. Oh, God, no. Bubba, you've done everything wrong up here tonight.

100% of everything. I apologize, everybody. I'm sorry. Don't apologize either. Okay. No, let him apologize. He's right. Never mind.

Sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry. Fuck you guys. Just kidding. There we go. Bubba, we've never done this before in the history of the show, I mean, I'm not sorry. Fuck you guys. Just kidding. There we go. Bubba, we've never done this before in the history of the show, but we have something special for you.

You're the first ever person that we have bought you a flight back to Allentown, Pennsylvania. It's an all-expenses-paid flight. Three layovers, Southwest Airlines. It's going to take you 17 hours to get back to PA. You've got to go through Dallas, Chicago, and Cleveland. We've got your spirit pool. It's funny because we're actually on spirit. You have no idea how I just put my fucking physical body

in Pennsylvania and just slit my own throat. No, no, no. I think... No suicide jokes. No suicide jokes. But if you actually do it, then tag us in it or something like that. So that at least we can get some podcast

numbers out of this shit. Podcast suicide. Hashtag stamps.com. Finally get the viewers we goddamn deserve. Alright, Bubbaba don't kill yourself There he goes Bubba Smith everybody He's on Twitter at 3U33A There he goes

There he is I gave him the don't kill yourself fist bump That's what for you die hard fans of the show I only give those away when I don't want the person to kill themselves It's actually National Suicide Prevention Day Is it really? Yeah if you need help,

call the number. One more time for Bubba, everybody. Come on. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Everybody. All right. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Aaron McCann. Aaron McCam.

Aaron McCam. Here he is. Wow, making good time. I like this guy already. Speedy one. Here he is. Wow, making good time. I like this guy already. Speedy one. Here he comes. The band is playing music. Aaron McCam. I'll address the accent off top. I am indeed from Ireland.

What are the problems in Ireland that you have in America? The exact fucking same. The day that Trump became president, on my timeline, someone posted a thing saying, OMG, can't believe Donald Trump is the president of the USA. I'm going to have to move to Canada. And I was like, why? You live in Belfast, you fucking dickhead. He can't make this shithole any worse. It's literally Game of Thrones and Titanic. That's all we have, which, by the way, was fucking fine when it left Belfast. I've been in LA for a little while now.

You know, I never understood cultural appropriation until I spent St. Patrick's Day here. And I walk around LA. You're all wearing your fucking Kiss Me I'm Irish T-shirts. Those are my fucking kisses, right? Those are my fucking kisses. I'm standing there in the middle of downtown L.A. being like, I better get a fucking rim job this day

to make up for this. Pieces of shit. Thank you. Wow, Aaron McCamp. Coming in and pulling some Conor McGregor knockout shit on us, huh? Look at that. That's how it's done in exactly a minute. Look, he's wearing

the AIDS quilt and everything. This is incredible. Fuck yeah. The AIDS kilt. It is a shade shirt. Wow. It's shade, but fuck it, what are you gonna do? Hell yeah, dude, but you fucking did it. I could listen to you talk for days

and days and days. I want you to be my Siri, my Alexa, my everything. You said last time your favorite Spotify pronounce is January, and I've been trying to get sent out to you ever since, like a voice note or some shit. If you want January in your calendar, give me a shout. I will do all months of the year as well. For those of you that need what he just said translated,

what he was saying was that the last time he was on the show, I do remember, I noticed that he said the word January awesome and I made him keep saying it. Can you just say it? The month of January. It's unbelievable. Yeah, so whoop-de-whoop for that January.

January. Do it again. Hang on, fuck you. Put me in the spot there. Januara. You don't even have to try. Such a likable voice. Now, Aaron, are you the one that lives with like 30 guys or something like that? I am indeed, yeah.

I actually, sorry, I told you a lie. I know the first few times I was on the show I said 30. I was incorrect. It's fucking 40. Whoa. You went from 30 to 40. Hardy, hardy, hardy, hard. Wow.

So what is your rent now? $12, $13 a month? You would think. No, but it's like $800, right, or something like that? It's $700 a month. How many coins is that? It's 30 or 40 coins how are they hard at a heart uh fuck yeah aaron mccam well i mean that's just an amazing set how long can you do like crushing like that uh well back in northern ireland like i was doing

like one hour shows and shit like that but but I wanted to come here because all my favourite comics are American, and I wanted to get my fucking ass beat around for a little bit and lose any sort of ego I had out there and just get better. That's all I want to do. Hell yeah. So you just went to alienate every Irish-American person? I fucking can't stand it. I don't like them either.

I cannot fucking stand it. Literally, I had a girl in a bar one time. Like, we were flirting back and forth. And she's like, yeah, so, like, the funny thing is, it's like, I'm actually, like, half Irish, half German, and, like, half Scottish. What do you think of that? I'm like, I don't think you fucking understand how halves work, you know?

Makes no sense. You know, when you talk like a woman, I can actually understand you. Yeah, it's incredible. You do a perfect female English accent. What's that little baby pocket for that's below your front breast pocket? Oh, it's the Irish lock pocket. It's where he stores his leprechauns.

It doesn't even open up. It doesn't even open up. It doesn't even open up. When you were flirting with that chick, what type of flirting do you do? How does an Irishman flirt? Can you give us an example? Just a bunch of lies. How does anybody flirt?

Bunch of lies? Just a bunch of fucking lies. What's a lie that you... Oh, I live by meself. Come back to me place Totally won't try to hook up with you in your car Yeah I have like two roommates I'll have to meet up with you again in China Alright well what else is going on in life Aaron

I've actually started dating somebody who lives in the pod house. Where? Empanadas? They like empanadas. In the pod house, like the fucking 40 people house. I've started dating someone who moved in recently. Whoa. What is she?

Is she Irish? She was on the show last week. Oh, she was. Whoa. Wait. Is it Lila, the little midget girl? No, he... Oh, okay.

Hi, Lila. Aphrodite, who is it? It's called the little person, you insensitive prick. Oh, all right. How big is... Come up with a Mario sometimes is a little person joke. I put it there. All she needs is some mushrooms.

There it is. That's what I was trying to say. Oh, fuck that. I can barely handle weight as it is. Fuck mushrooms. Irish mushrooms are really strong. I would not know. I wouldn't fucking touch them.

Marijuana for me freaks me out. You know what I mean? It's a culture shock. You have to meet someone in a car park in Ireland to get it. And there's no selection. I do my American voice again. It's like, this is a teva I use this for like creativity and like when I want to sleep I take this hybrid and it's like back home it's like what have you got you'll fucking take what I have is what the answer is you ever get beat up me yeah I have never threw

a punch or received a punch really never you Never. You're a goddamn Irish anomaly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm for sure an alcoholic, but I can't fight for shit. How much do you drink? Two, like, literally too much. Come on. Come on, give us a little ballpark.

Like, four shots of Irish whiskey a day? I wouldn't, like, be, like, a consistent, like, drinking every day person, but when I go out, I'm going out to blackout. Like, do you know what I mean? Going out to blackout. Fuck off of what I mean? Going out to blackout. Fuck off of your civil drinks. Stay at home. That's the way I look at it. Fuck, yeah.

Look at you. Do you drink like a Donkey Kong barrel? Size of... All right, Aaron. Well, you are Irish as fuck. You killed, and that's how it's done. You got to...

If I were you, I'd go stumble across one of these... Go find Ricky Gervais or Bill Burr or something like that and be like, hey, you need to see me perform, mate. Give me a shot, mate. And I bet that they'll want to work with you. How many minutes did you say you have like that? Like I've done two-hour shows back in Ireland.

So like I'm actually working on this one now for this year. And it's all about like moving out to America and like coming from a town of... Oh, you said hour was the answer. Hour? Okay, well, there you go. That's the answer I was looking for, the answer to the question. Kroma Chris, do you have anything you want to say to this guy?

This is Aaron McCam. I know I don't check in with you often, that you're normally silent throughout an episode, but I'm just curious. Is there possibly anything right now that you want to say or ask Aaron? No, I'm just wondering. Don't pick on my friend, Toad. He's just a little guy. What are you doing over there?

I play guitar every now and then. With the construction paper strapped to your head. It's just so funny. I just love watching you fail over there. It's incredible. I made those. I fucking made those. You made those?

Yeah, it took forever. My back hurts. All right, there goes Aaron McCam, everybody. There he goes. Irish. He's on Twitter at McCamMan. M-C-C-A-M-M-A-N. Hell yeah.

Had a nice little steady jog up here. Came up, killed. You see, there's a relation to how slow a comedian usually is walking to how bad they're going to be. Seriously, he had a steady jog. You see some people come out like the fucking Undertaker and they bomb. You think Aaron would be skinnier, though? No, not at the rate that he drinks.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like Tronese Boston am I saying that right? Tronese? Okay, Tronese Boston, here we go Here she comes everybody, it's Tronese Boston How y'all doing? How y'all doing?

How y'all doing? All right. I just got my first job out here in L.A. as a high school English teacher. Thank you. You don't have to clap. I'm already planning to quit because I hate all of my coworkers. Everybody has that one coworker at their job that's this close to getting their ass whooped. I have three, and I can't stand the students.

I just recently cut my hair because I got tired of wearing other people's. And as soon as my students saw me, they immediately began quoting lines from the Black Panther movie. They looked at me and was like, "'Just don't freeze when you see her. "'Son of a bitch, I'm feeling all of you.'"

It's crazy, because my student, one of them, was wearing an ankle bracelet, and I'm like, "'What the fuck am I supposed to teach him? He don't care about school, he got court dates and shit. Y'all trying to get me killed out here. It's ridiculous. And I take the bus a lot, because I don't got no car, and I see my students at the bus stop,

and they be like, hey, Miss B, why you ain't got no car where your husband at? I'm like, shut up, before I kill you out here, man. Nobody gonna see me. It's crazy, because I didn't even expect to get up. Thank you all so much. Got it. Trenise Boston.

Am I saying that right? Trenise? Trenise. Trenise, yeah. Trenise. Hell yeah. Where are you from? I'm from Miami.

Miami. Yeah. How long have you been in L.A.? Five months. Five months. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's exciting.

Yeah. And you're a teacher out here? No, I quit. Ah. You quit to move out here and do stand-up? No, I got a job out here and I literally quit. I hated my coworkers and the students. Wow.

Can you say what school district or what area? Compton. Well, duh. Aw, man. I always hear the best things about those students over in Compton. Maybe try Burbank. Nah, Compton. It wasn't the students.

It was the teachers. It was all of them. I think they all were in gangs. Everybody. Wow. That's crazy. So how long did you last there? I mean, how long until you quit?

Three weeks. Three weeks. And you're like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm out of here. I literally got the laptop, and I told my students it was nice knowing you, and I never came back. Was there a straw that broke the camel's back in this instance? You left just like their fathers. Oh, Mario, how do you know about Compton?

Ooh, M on the hat stands for make America great again. What? What? Yahoo! Wow. I wish they would allow you to talk for longer because I thought you were awesome. Thank you. I was out of breath. Thank you. I just swallowed my gum before I came up here.

I didn't know if I was going to die or what. Yeah. To hell with teaching. Just be an entertainer. It's way easier. Thank you. I'm looking for a job right now, so if anybody's hiring, holler at me. You're looking for a teaching job? No. Hell no. Oh, you're done. So you're absolutely done teaching for

life. No, I will strip before I teach again. Really? Yeah. Woo-hoo! Okay, all right. Okay. Yeah, we got it. All right. Man, that's so interesting. You're not picking your career.

Your career is picking you right now. That's what's happening. What are these guys smoking? I mean, why? Why are you so over teaching? Is it something that you wanted to do for a long time? You went to college for it, right? I went to college, well, for communications.

I always wanted to be a writer, but, you know, it's a steady paycheck. But the kids, I think it's the music. They all crazy. When you say you want to be a writer, like what type of writing do you want to do? TV shows. Yeah. Comedy. Have you written anything before?

Wow. So you have, what what is it like a spec script or yes I worked on a couple web series that I didn't get paid for so yeah right is that the type of thing that you want to write for like a sitcom or do you want to write like jokes or anything jokes for people I just Tony can I just shake your hand? I'm a big fan of the movie Blade. Oh, come on. Luigi, that is not Wesley Snipes.

I love it. We don't get that much movies here in Nintendo Land. Thank God you're a cholo. That is right. I'm a cholo Luigi. Oh, man. That was... What do you like to do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Yes. Killing vampires. I like to hike. I love Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Yes. Killing vampires. I like to hike. I love to work out. You love to work out? Yes, I know. What else?

How about anything other than working out? Any hobbies or any fun things that you take part in? Yeah, I like to take pictures. I smoke weed, too. Don't tell my mom. Woo-hoo! Did you used to strip? Was that real?

No, I said I would strip before I teach again I don't have enough weight To be a stripper right now I don't meet the weight requirements You been on any dates since being out here? Nah I met a lot of weirdos though Met a lot of weirdos through what dating apps? Nah just walking down the street

Yeah there's a lot of them out there. Beware of the Koopa Troopas. Are you still surprised? You've only been here for what, four months? Five, yeah. Five months. You still surprised when you see homeless people eating directly out of the garbage? That's a great question.

I'm actually numb to it, but not the smells. The smells are like, it's still like jarring. Yeah. You mean poopies. Yeah. Some of the homeless people have flesh rotting off of them. My God. That's one of the worst smells.

Wow, this just got sad. Yes, it did. So, interesting. Yeah. Now, I know. It's just sometimes Jeremiah does that. And by sometimes, I mean once a week, interesting. Yeah, now I know. It's just sometimes Jeremiah does that. And by sometimes, I mean once a week, anyway. I don't know who that is.

Okie dokie. I didn't realize Mario was digging holes in this new version of this video game. They're called pipes. There you go. All right. True niece. Four months. game they're called pipes there you go all right true niece four months so i mean how much money can you have i mean i'm not asking how much money you have but how long are you going to be able to sustain off not having a job are you worried yet um i am but i'm not um i live out here with my sister oh cool but nah What does she do?

She works in music entertainment industry. Oh, nice. Do you mean your actual sister or a friend? Nah. No, this is my blood sister. Just a check-in. I'm confused. What? Actual blood sister.

It's not a sister act. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on Kill Tony. There she goes. Trenise Boston, everybody. She's on Twitter at the Grace Jones of comedy. Oh, my goodness. Well, well, well.

It's been a while since I saw the beautiful, beautiful, shapely size of this type of font. The only person to write their name weekly in black, full-blown Sharpie. Thick, black, and beautiful. It is the one and the only Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. She's been on a streak lately. This is a 62-year-old woman who's getting better by the week at stand-up comedy. Come on, one more time for Aphrodite, everybody.

Come on. How y'all doing? You know, people is really mean these days. everybody. Come on. How y'all doing? You know, people is really mean these days. Really fucking mean. I called them motherfuckers at 911. I told them I had an emergency.

My coochie been hurting for five months. I ain't had no sex. I asked them could they send a black paramedic out to resuscitate my pussy. The motherfucker's going to tell me again it's not an emergency, okay? So I'm going to fuck him up. When I see anybody that's working with 911, I'm going to punch you in the face. Because it's an emergency when your pussy hurt for five motherfucking months, okay?

It's awful. I got to get somebody. I'm going to call the police. I have four black police men to come fuck me. Police will fuck you. Yeah, they will. Pull you over and fuck the shit out of you. And they'll give you a ticket.

Thank you. Really then get your ticket. Thank you. Really? They fuck you? Man, when I heard the cops were shooting black people, that's not what I thought they meant after I died. They be fucking black people. Wow. Is that true? You ever have sex with a cop before? I came close. It was a little cutie that used to come down my street.

I used to go jogging. Oh, shit. You were jogging? Hold on a second. What does that look like? Oh, my God. I can't do that shit no more. Wow. There's more bounce than in Super Mario going on when you go for a jog, huh? It's hard to jog when your ass weighs 250 pounds.

Oh, my God. Wow, you would break my ass in half. Not many people know this, but Aphrodite is actually the African toadstool. She actually looks a little more like toadstool than Chroma Chris does tonight.

I'm jealous. I think you look like King Koopa burnt himself. Oh my god. I'm jealous. I think you look like King Koopa burnt himself. Oh my god. Oh my god. Chroma Chris. That's alright. What does Toadstool say when he spins out? Oh no! Something is really wrong

with him, okay? Aphrodite, Aphrodite, Aphrodite. How's life been? It's been a while since we've seen you. You've killed the last few times you've been on. God, look at you. Look at, oh my God. What is, oh Jesus Christ.

Tony. Tony. Yahoo. I had to ask before all these young girls came along, you know. What's her name? I'm saying, Licky Lodge, you know. They ain't got shit on me. I don't understand what you just said.

Yeah. Tony, I call her butt a king poopa. Yeah. See, when I came along, everybody had real ass. None of this 995 ass they got now. Can I just say, you know, Red Band and I have worked together for a very long time, very closely. There's something about

this song that is so you. You've always chosen to play her up to this. It's Lady. The song's Yankin'. It's about how tight her pussy is that yanks on the dick. And it just matches everything that Aphrodite does. All right. Anyway.

I'm psychotic, you know. Aphrodite, how tight is your pussy? Very tight. There you go. Very tight. It gets tight when it ain't being played. I have a follow-up question. Listen carefully, Aphrodite, how tight is your pussy? Very tight. Very tight. It gets tight when it ain't being played. I have a follow-up question. Listen carefully, Aphrodite.

Could one say that your pussy be yanking? No. Oh, okay. Pussy be popping. If it wanted to yank, it could. Matter of fact, I have the snapping pussy. Let's get specific, okay? Oh, shit.

Really? Oh, no. I don't like turtles. Let's see. Do Oh, shit. Really? Oh, no. I don't like turtles. Let's see. Do you have the full bush down there also? Do you have a second helmet down there? Yeah, I get it done every Friday. Yeah, you know, you go get your nails

and shit done, get your pussy done. Wait, you get your pussy done? Wow. Oh, my God. Get your pussy done, ladies. Chroma Chris, I'm getting one up. Anybody else? People be having manicure, you got to get a pussy cure. A pussy cure?

Yeah. What do they... How many people does it take to do that for your pussy? Just one. Like extensions? Just one with a big old mask on. Extensions. Wow.

You know, ladies, you got to trim shit. You know, get the little white hairs. I'll keep a toothbrush in case there's some tired eye. You know, take that with you everywhere you go. You brush your pussy? Yeah. You take a toothbrush to your pussy? Yeah.

You know, the white hairs pop up any time. Do you floss it too? All right. No, you just need to take a mirror and look at that shit every now and then. Don't assume anything, ladies. That's one set of pipes I don't want to go down. It is. You know, I mean, really.

What you doing back there? Nothing. See, he got a pussy on his face. Aphrodite's roasting up here. Wow. That's a whole pussy right there. Well, Aphrodite, I love it. Some beautiful things going on.

How long does it normally take the pussy cure that you get when you say that you get it? Well, that depends on what you got, one of them big old fat pussies or a little peach pussy. No, we mean your pussy. Well, that's a big old fat pussy. Oh, lordy. I'm going to show you motherfuckers. You got to pay for that shit. We're not asking you to show us your pussy, Aphrodite.

My question... Show us the pussy, right? No, don't start your own show us the pussy chant, Aphrodite. You're not allowed to start your own show us the pussy chant, Aphrodite. You're not allowed to start your own show us your pussy chants. That's more than $29.95.

How much is it then? $29.95? What is this, a Mayweather fight? That pussy be undefeated. But it could be a fight because my ass knocks people out. Wow, you're saying that... Okay.

All right. No, I have to be careful when I'm passing by people. I literally have knocked people over. Aphrodite, you ever fart in an elevator before? I'm sure I have. I'm sure I have. You don't know sometimes when you fart? Sometimes you find out?

Well, I see people falling. Second hand? Sometimes you find out from smelling it, and people falling. Secondhand. Sometimes you find out from smelling it and you're like, oh, that's gotta be me. I've seen like all kind of bodies on the elevator. You've seen bodies laid out. Yeah.

Oh, yes. You farted. Depends on what you eat, how stinky your boo-boo is, okay? Have you ever farted and it went in your pussy and your pussy opened up like a hang glider? Okie dokie. Well, it looks like Aphrodite has been on the show so many times. I think we just officially hit every question we could possibly ever ask her.

Brian just finished up the list. I think Red Band is telling on himself. I think he's a homosexual, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa. How dare you? Me? Oh, my God, me? No, but you're a sexy homosexual. Oh, thank you.

I wouldn't fuck you, but I know people that would. Oh, wow. Look at that. That sucks. But you're good. Your ass reminds me of a GameCube. What, what, what, what, what? You better move your horn before it gets fucked up.

It's a square. It's a square. All right. Aphrodite, great stuff. What is happening? Aphrodite is so much fun. Whoa, what's going on over there? I can't feel nothing.

He got a little one. Oh, shit. Damn. That was my kneecap, bitch. It ain't my fault because your dick is a baby two-year-old dick, okay? Always check the dick, ladies. This might be one of my favorite episodes of Roast Battle I've ever seen. Aphrodite versus Mario.

I expect dick first. You don't get shit if I don't see that motherfucker is right, okay? You know, I got to have the anaconda dick. Okay, Aphrodite. I don't get shit if I don't see that motherfucker is right, okay? You know, I gotta have the anaconda dick. Okay, Aphrodite. I don't know. Maybe she hasn't had a stroke since the last time she was on. She's sort of riffing tonight. It's bad when you're horny. Okay. There we go.

This woman needs to be laid immediately. It's becoming a national crisis. I asked God to send me some dick. I'm sure I'm going to get it. There you go. There she goes. Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. Losing her mind.

She's on Twitter at Aphrodite Love, all one word. Slowly going crazy. We love her, right? That's the spirit we all want to have when we're 62. And the ass and the tits. We want to have those when we're 62, too. She thinks I'm the gay one. I love it. She's totally wrong about that because I'm the gay one, right?

So, so, so gay. So deep in the closet. Fuck yeah. Alright. Let's keep this fun train moving along. I think we've had this young man on the show before. Put your hands together for Darius Bennett. Darius Bennett, everybody.

Here we go. Where's Darius at? Good steady pace. I believe this is Darius. Yes. There we go. Still a good steady pace. From all the way in the back.

This place is packed tonight. Make some noise, Comedy Store. We're all here together. Yo, what up, dog? All right. I like dating women with children because they always got food at the house. It's nice. It's very nice. Yeah, the sex is good and the snacks are amazing.

Just get weird when the kids don't see they real father enough. They get attached to you and call you dad. They be like, hey dad. You be like, hey, I really don't fuck with you like that, young man. Appreciate it if you take my shoes off. You want to discipline them,

but you haven't been making love to their mother long enough, so the most you can do is just play catch with them real hard. Phew! Like, ugh! Why you throwing it so hard? Why you keep putting on my shoes, little boy? Huh? And why is my Xbox sticky?

Wash your hands before you touch my remote. Huh? Your mama bought it for us. Damn. There you go. Darius Bennett. You've been on the show a few times, right? Twice.

Twice. This is my second time. This is your second time. This one better a few times, right? Twice. Twice. This is my second time. This is your second time. This went better than last time, right? Kind of, yeah. Yes, it did. Yeah. Yes, tell the truth.

Yes, it did. Yeah, it did. It did. It did. Which shows growth, and that's one of the fun things that happens here. Sometimes people get down on themselves after having a bad set, but you clearly went, got it together, and now you're back again that was a very fun minute congratulations thank you one of my favorite parts of it was you were so comfortable in the very beginning you were literally just petting yourself with their hands yeah like you were so confident that that opener was gonna work it was great and then the

rest after that was a little bit confident with yourself you know hell yeah i can't do that i can't pet myself no i can't pet myself. No? I can't physically bring myself to do that on stage. Just pretend like that's... I am saying I'm not rock and roll enough to do it. Like Prince, you know, the musician, he was able to fucking do things. Michael Jackson was able to grab his crotch. Yeah. There's a certain amount of rock and roll that it takes to be able to truly touch yourself.

Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands. So, like, I used to, like, play with the mic stand and shit. know what to do with my hands. So I used to play with the mic stand and shit, and that's kind of distracting. So I just said, fuck it, let me just... Yeah. And then you put your hands in your pocket, they think you're playing with yourself. So you just...

They see what's going on. What do you do with your hands? I'm notoriously... I'm one of the most still I let it just dangle. I let it dangle. I never grab the mic stand. I definitely don't do the self pat like that. I can't get away with that. I like to rub myself too sometimes when I'm doing stuff. I've had worn out shirts from it. You didn't even know you were doing it.

You rub yourself a lot there. Just like you were doing it. I rub myself all the time. You wear your shirts out. That's a lot of rubbing. But you didn't even know you were doing it until this fellow here pointed it out. Did you? Yeah, I know.

I just never had anybody point it out to me. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. It's not a big deal. It's not like I'm touching you. I'm touching myself. Well, I agree. If they were touching me that way, I would call the police. It's kind of like how people say you shouldn't wear some shirt

that has a bunch of words on it because it's distracting. When you're on stage and you're just rubbing yourself, immediately your eyes are going to this hand that's moving because you're kind of just doing this. So I think it might be distressing. Thank you for the constructive criticism. I mean, now it's just

freaking me out. Yeah, now it's over the line. I feel like you're about to cum. So Darius, let's talk about it. You're from Detroit. That's right. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've been in Los Angeles since right after Thanksgiving of 2000 and last year. 2000 and last year.

17? Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Thanksgiving. Wow. Just a couple months before January.

Yeah. So how's it going for you? You have a job? Yeah, I got a couple jobs. Yeah, what do you do? I do security and bartending. Oh, wow. Where you working security at? At a department store. Ah.

Yeah, downtown. Ooh. Yeah. Got to stop people from stealing stuff. Yeah? Yeah. You catch them? Yeah, sometimes.

Depending on how big they are. You be having to tackle them. Like, all right, you go ahead and steal that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. stuff. Yeah? You catch them? Yeah, sometimes. Depending on how big they are. You be having to tackle them.

Like, all right, you go ahead and steal that shit. Yeah. There's a certain size in which you're, yeah. You can steal that. It'd be funny though, because sometimes I'd let them know that I caught them. I'd walk past them, be like, I ought to have got the blue one. Ah. Yeah. And then you got the blue one. Ah.

There you go. And then you steal the blue one. I don't steal it. I just tell them to put another one in their bag and they leave me outside. The old cash me outside, if you will. Cash me outside. So, Darius, how's L.A. been treating you? Fun?

What's your living situation? I go from couch to couch. Couch to couch. Been there. How's it going for you? So far, it's L.A. been treating you? Fun? What's your living situation? I go from couch to couch. Couch to couch. Been there. How's it going for you? So far, it's good. It depends on what's happening with them. You know, if they got guests, they're like, all right, I got bitches coming through.

You got to leave. So, you know, one of the things that I think, you know, we talk a lot to people that sleep on couches. One of the things that we don't always get into is, you know, one of the things is those people normally don't spend a lot of time at the house, right? You tend to get out early in the day and stay in the couch. Yeah, I'll go to the gym. I'll work out. Or I'll just go to somebody else's couch and be like, yo, let me hang out here if I can. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it'd be difficult.

What are some of the things other than the gym that you do during the day? Meditate. Go to the water and just think. What water? The LA River? Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Hell yeah. I've never been to the LA River. Where's that? It's a cement fake stream. It's a ghost arena.

That is where I grew up. It doesn't look like a regular river. But I slept on people's couches even like for like 10 years, even like a few years into when I was on TV. And I saved a lot of money. I saw that. I think you're smart. I saw that.

You totally did. You was in the truck at first, right? Yeah, for several years into my TV career. And then they did it again and you had money then. Yeah, I saved it up from not having to pay rent and then I could buy a house. So I'm doing the right thing. Yeah, you're doing exactly the right thing.

Yeah, my dog. Thank you. Yeah, he saved millions of dollars while on couches, so you guys are totally doing the same thing. 100% same path. It's all going to work out the same. You got to do what you got to do.

You got to hustle and grind. What the jackass. Darius, how's your love life sleeping on couches? You ever take a chick back to the couch, make a little love seat? You know what I mean? Love life is probably better on couches, huh? It can be. It can be if they're judgmental.

But if they know what you're trying to do, then they don't really care. You ever pull out the couch? Usually. Do you sleep with your socks on? Good question. Do you sleep with your socks on? No, I sleep with my socks on.

Do you fuck with your socks on? Good question. You can't fuck with your socks on. I've seen most of you types. You fuck with your socks on? Good question. No, you can't fuck with your socks on, because sometimes I've seen most of you types, you fuck up with your socks on. You ever seen porno and they still had it smooth on? Yes, that's why I brought it up.

You gotta get that good balance, because she might have a whole lot of ass. You gotta brace yourself. Hell yeah. When people fuck Aphrodite, they have to put combat boots on. Hey, you still have that loaded up? Look at you. All right, Darius.

It was fun to talk with you again. There he goes. Darius Bennett, everyone. He's on Twitter at SirDarioBennett. Is that right? D-A-R-I-O? Bennett. B-E-N-N-E-T-T.

On Twitter. All right. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? You know it. How about Kyle Gallagher Schmitz? Kyle Gallagher Schmitz. This is a new name, it appears.

Kyle Gallagher Schmitz. What's up, everybody? How we doing tonight? My name is Kyle Gallagher Schmitz. His name is my name, too. I'm real pretty, but I'm not tough. Like, on paper, I should be tough. I'm 6'4", 220 pounds.

I got a size 14 shoe. On paper, I should be like a D3 point guard, you know what I mean? And I'm from a real long line of athletes, but unfortunately I inherited my mother's hips and her athletic ability, and that's why my parents got divorced. So I'm kidding. I do run like a baby horse, but that's not what split up my mom and dad. It's not so bad.

My dad did see me on a football field once, but I was a drum major of a band, so it wasn't exactly what he had hoped for, but he's a felon, so fuck him, right? I kind of look like a Jehovah's Witness, but instead of going door-to-door selling God, I look like I sell Bitcoin. Like, can I read from you a book of the chapter of Winklevoss? Can I read from you a passage of the book of Crypto? He is risen. Thank you very much.

Fuck yeah. Kyle Gallagher Schmitz. Welcome to the show, Kyle. Thank you. This is your first time on, right? Yeah, first time on. Thanks for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like a year and a half. Where at? South Orange County. South Orange County. Yeah, just like Costa Mesa, like around that area mostly. You come up to L.A. often? Yeah, actually, I used to live in North Hollywood, and then I moved down to San Clemente, but like I drive up here.

I got friends up here. I try to come up here as much as I can. Wow, that's so fun. So a year and a half. How often do you do it? Like five nights a week, one night a month? I try to go like – I'll try to do like four nights a half, how often do you do it? Five nights a week? One night a month? I try to go like I'll try to do like four nights a week

and then if I can hit multiple mics in a night I just try to be as efficient as possible because I got to work and stuff. What do you do for work? I sell cars. You sell cars? Yes, I do. You're a car salesman. Used cars? New cars? Both.

Okay. What kind of cars are on the dealership lot that you're working on right now? Well, I sell Volvos. Volvo Mission Viejo, if you guys want to come buy a car from me. And then I sell used cars, but, like, I've basically – everything except super high-line stuff. Everything except pretty much all the new stuff's a Volvo that you're selling. Yeah, all the new stuff.

A lot of Infinities. Let's play a little game. It's called Sell Me a Volvo. Okay. So I'm a guy that just worked on, I'm a guy that just walked on your dealership lot. And here we go. Ready? Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up, man? Why am I saying hi to you if you work here? Can I shake your hand? No. No? Okay. Oh, good to be here on this Volvo lot. Definitely don't want to touch a Volvo dealer's hands anyway. It's disgusting. So what brought you in today?

Well, you know, I'm just looking around, thinking about maybe, you know, the only thing that people think about when they show up to a car dealership. You looking, do you got kids? You looking for a big car, a little car? No, I don't have any kids, but I'm maybe planning on having a family one day. Even though I'm gay, according to some people. You're going to adopt.

Hey, Volvo's a very progressive brand, my guys. We'll take real good care of you. Okay, what do you recommend for me? I really like that C60. It drives for itself. You like to drink? Yeah, I have a V...

Fuck. This is a very unorthodox car sales pitch. Yes, Mario. What will help me win the race? I got a T8 with 495 horsepower and torque, man. Get you in it? Yahoo! How many gold coins you got?

Kyle, how many cars have you sold in your life? How long have you been working at a car dealership? I've been selling cars like four years. So none. Probably like 600, seven hundred cars maybe. On average, how much do you make per new car? I used to get paid off

the gross, so what I'd make on the front end. All Volvos are gross. But now I get paid off units, so it just depends on if I can get to like 15 to 20 cars in that area, I'd make pretty good money. Like?

I could probably make, like last month I made eight grand. That's good. That was a decent month for me. I was making too much, and then they moved me to a different dealership. So trying to get my numbers up back to like the plus 20 cars a month. Living pretty easy if I'm selling 20 cars a month. What's one of the slimiest things you've done as a car dealer? You know, part of the thing on this show, you know, usually the crowd responds to, like, real honesty.

Like, something that you really feel bad about. Like, when you were like, God, this is the most car dealer shit I've ever done in my life. Like, what's that moment? I used to be really good at like, so when you go to a car dealership, when you do the actual deal, sometimes they'll like sneak back and stuff. So like,

like trackers or something like that. I was really good at that. But most of the time you can't really like, if you fuck people like that shit will come back to you. So I feel sometimes I'll feel bad if like i try to sell somebody a car they can't afford and i know like this is a bad fucking idea it's gonna cost you a lot of money but you can't talk them out of it because they want to buy the fucking car right you gotta let them make a bad decision and because they're putting a low down payment on up

front and yeah you know that over time it's gonna fuck them they get a you know like a eight-year loan on a car like a range rover with 90 000 miles you know the fuck did you get the bar why would you borrow money for this and then you had them you had them sign on that people with families and yeah young people chasing their dreams oh yeah and and you like i can't be like hey you can't buy this car because they'll be like, oh, what, you think I can fucking afford it? What's wrong with that? And you're like, okay, sorry. Let me ask you something.

When you say that you can't tell them that or else they will respond that way, have you ever tried to tell them that? Like, hey, you can't really afford this car? No, because I need the money. Right, exactly. That's what I thought. You just assume they would be like, you don't think I can afford this? You don't think they'd be like, man, wow, thank you. You're probably right.

I'll buy a different car from you since you were honest instead of just ruining their lives. He just thinks that to make himself feel better. Fucking scumbag. Helps me sleep at night. Man. So, wow. You've done that to single parents and stuff?

You've sold some cars to them single parents oh yeah like paraplegics the everybody knows paraplegics love their volvos yeah that story has no legs oh come on they drive themselves now so you really you don't need heart you don't need legs. Stop it. Kyle, what do you do for fun? What does a car dealer do for fun other than cocaine? You took it from me. Is that really it? No.

I get too angry. I spin out. I can't tell your boss to go fuck himself. You can only do it so many times before they actually blow you out. I surf a lot. I'm not very good, but it's a big Midwestern dream. I'm from Wisconsin originally, so I live in San Clemente. It's a surf town. I surf a lot.

It's pretty chill. How long have you lived in Southern California? I lived in North Hollywood for like a year and a half, and then I've been down in South Orange County for about four. So I've been out here for about five years. Okay. You ever go back to Wisconsin? I try. I go back once a year. What do your parents do?

Are they douchebags as well? No. No. I told you my dad is a felon. He's a what? He's a felon. What did he do? I used to grow weed in our basement. It's not a real felon.

California. A low-end felon. No, no, no, no, no. A low-end felon. I thought he molested his own children, for sure. Fucking ripped his little jeans when he was lumberjacked. Whoa, look out. I'm the gay one. What are you talking about?

He's a crime was turning his son into a car salesman. Wow. Hell yeah. All right. Well, there you go. Kyle Gallagher Schmitz. Wow. Hell yeah. All right. Well, there you go. Kyle Gallagher-Schmidt. Thank you very much. His Comedy Store debut here on Killed Sony.

All the way from Wisconsin. Now he's a stand-up living in San Clemente and catching waves and screwing people over for a living. Who the fuck buys Volvos? Oh, come on.

People love Volvos. Really? That's a thing? Yeah. Aphrodite has a giant black Volvo. Oh, Volva. Volva. That's a different thing. Okay. How about Connor Hanglesben? That's a new

name for sure. Connor Hangles Ben. Hangles Ben? Oh, no. That means he just got blacklisted. Bum, bum. How about Yoga Leroy? This is another new name.

Yoga Leroy. All right. Leroy. This is another new name. Yoga Leroy. Alright. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Come on, make some noise for Yoga Leroy. I do yoga and shit. Anger management, you know?

But my boy says, Leroy, yoga's gay. You ever been in a yoga class, dude? There's wall to wall with beautiful women. You gay for not doing yoga. First week I didn't even practice. I just took a knee in the back of the class. The crazy thing about yoga though, the whole time, beautiful women,

you can't even concentrate because the whole time you're women, you can't even concentrate, because the whole time you in this fucked up position, right? Trying not to fart, the whole time. Just holding that shit in. That's all core work. That's all core. I got anxiety. Every time I want to get on stage,

do something towards my dreams, I got little voices in my head that say, fuck your dreams. Get some weed, watch some porn, call it a night. Whose voice is that? Is that God? Hell yeah. Yoga Leroy. I fucking love it, man.

Mario? You look like a guy who was a bully on an episode of Family Matters. Hey. There you go. All right. Yoga Leroy. That is fucking awesome.

Have you been on this show before? This is my first time. This is your first time on the show. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. All as Yoga Leroy. Nah.

No, this is a new reinvention. This is a new character. All as Yoga Leroy. Nah. No, this is a new reinvention. This is a new character. Okay. New life. I was taking it all to heart, and I could listen to that for like 20 more minutes. Yeah. Yoga, please. It's funny, but it's true.

And you learned something. How long have you been working on Yoga Leroy? A month. How long does Yoga Leroy have? That was 60 seconds. Is that something like... Yeah, I got like five minutes. Five minutes of yoga shit.

You ever think about making a yoga video? I have. I have one yoga video on YouTube. Oh, great. Yeah, I'm going to start doing Instagram. Just start doing that. I think there's definitely something there for funny yoga. I mean, there's a whole market of people that like to laugh

and people that love yoga. Why not combine the two things other than the fact that breathing is very important? That's right. All right, thank you. Hell yeah. What do you beat up? Like it seems like, you know.

I don't beat up anybody anymore. You're very peaceful. You walked up here. Brian and I started physically shaking. Yeah. I mean, you've been saying run, and I was like, if I run, maybe someone will call the police.

Let me just walk. Yeah. So I just walked. Yeah, you run before the police come. That's interesting. All right That's opposite of most people that all right. Anyway, you work out a lot, right? Yeah, you know ex football player college. Yeah. Yeah, you played at the University of Miami Nah, I played I played at West Texas A&M. Wow. Fun times. Those were good times. What do you do now?

I take care of my son. That's it. Wow. Stunning ovation. I'm unemployed right now. Heck yeah. Is the baby mama still in the picture? Baby mama is. I married well. Yeah.

Oh, that's great. She pays these bills. Someone has to. That's great. What does she do? She's a nurse. She's a nurse. Oh, yeah.

And how old's your kid? He's nine. He's at a very interesting age. Yeah, why is that? What's going on? He's just addicted to Fortnite. He's on Fortnite all day long. Why doesn't your son play with me anymore?

Aw. He doesn't have to come back. Do you play with your son? Do you play Fortnite also? I've never been in a video game, so... Oh, no. Nah, I don't play Fortnite. Before you had a kid, what did you used to do for fun?

You're a former football player, you're wearing a tank top. I do personal training. I used to do personal training a lot. I stopped doing that. The only video game he's beaten is Pussy. No! You're usually really funny though. You're usually really funny, though. You're usually really funny.

I don't know what happened. I don't think it's the characters I'm working for. Because he's usually fucking hilarious. Yoga Leroy just said, game over. Give me this star. Uh-oh. What's this going to do? Uh-oh.

All right, we'll wait and see now. Let's see what happens now. I'm not getting any of your jokes. Wow. So yoga, you're still having sex with your wife? Sex life's good? Yeah, sometimes. How do you keep it interesting in the bedroom?

Well, she just made me go to a sex shop, which was crazy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What did you guys get from there? We got a dick ring. Whoa. Which was wild, because, you know, there's little dick rings. Yeah.

I'm like, that shit's too small. Where the big dick rings at? Well, it's supposed to keep the blood in the dick. Okay. It was scary. And then she was like, get the one where it vibrates on both sides. Why do I want vibration

on my balls? Did you get the dick ring? I got it, but we haven't used it yet. We're boring. We've been married for a long time. Time to take it to the next level. You got the dick level. Yeah. You got the dick ring. I even asked her last time we had sex.

I was like, you want me to put it on the dick ring? She's like, nah, fuck that. I'm like, why we get it? Oh, well. What else did you get? Just a dick ring? Nah, I just got the dick ring. I mean, it was just wild seeing all the people.

You got multiple dick rings? Just one. Oh. Just one. It's just dick statues in those stores. It's like the dick ring that you get in the machines, right? They all look like... They have metal ones that look like engagement rings.

They got a machine dick ring. I mean, when I was in high school, there was a vending machine and we'd get them and wear them around town. Put them on our... What kind of high school did you go to? Regular high school, but you wouldn't wear them during sex, like, our... What kind of high school did you go to? Regular high school, but you wouldn't wear them during sex, I don't think.

Oh. I think those were called ring tops. I don't know. Well, I got up tonight, so maybe she'll be... she'll let me put it on and try this shit out. You know? Make sure you blow on her cartridge before you start. Is this getting funnier, you idiot!

Alright, well. Yoga, what are you afraid of? You're a big, tough, you have big muscles, you're wearing a tank top, you seem like a powerful presence. Don't say a swimming. God, Jesus. I. Don't say a swimming. Oh, you know. God, Jesus.

Nah. I said don't say it. I'm from Tacoma, Washington, so I learned to swim. Whatever. Oh, okay. Well, go ahead. Just ignore the racist plumber back there. I mean, that's probably what it is.

Italians? It's racism. I mean, you know. Really? White people ever talk shit to you? All it is. Italians? It's racism. I mean, you know. Really? White people ever talk shit to you? All the time. Really? Like, what's the last time?

What happened? I do the door sometimes in Hollywood. I've been doing that forever. Wait, what? Like security, like the door. Right. Like door guys. Yes. Hollywood clubs.

I used to do that. Yeah. And yeah, yeah. They talk shit. Like what? What has somebody said to you? Like, excuse me, sir, I'm sorry? No, sir, it's just fuck you.

I've been spit on. I've been kicked. What does he have to do with sweeping? That's why I stopped doing it. I was like, fuck this job. I'm not doing this shit no more. I'm getting spit on, and you can't punch anybody after they spit on you because you're working. You know what I'm saying?

It's fucked up. Where did someone spit on you at? I was working. He told fucked up. Where did someone spit on you at? I was working. He told me I wasn't funny. What was I supposed to do? What's the most physical thing you can do if they spit on you?

Are you allowed to slap them? You can't really do anything. If you want to keep your job, you just got to get spat on. And I called the police, and they didn't do shit. You ever put them in handcuffs, but instead of using handcuffs, you just used two dick rings?

I'm not... Oh, yeah. All right, there he goes. Yoga Leroy, everybody. First time ever on stage here on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at ByLeonWalker, everyone. All right, well, we have a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand-new minute every single week.

He gets his spot not pulled out of the bucket, but he is automatically given that spot. He just opened up for me all weekend in La Jolla. Unbelievable sets from this guy. It was so fun to get to see him put some of those minutes that I've seen him do on this show together into an actual set. It's so fun watching him perform and grow. Make some noise for one of my favorites. It's the great Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. Here he is.

What's up, y'all? What's up? Man, your mama ever hit you so hard, you end up calling her by her first name? Damn, Lisa! Don't call me by my first name. You ever go out to eat with your homeboys, and they tell you to eat some spicy food, and you do it because you ain't no bitch? But then you go home, and they got to pay for it

because you ain't no bitch. You be on the toilet mad as hell. Fuck them niggas, bruh. Wait till my ass get healthier. I would only want to be a cop to wear dudes' outfits during long sentences. Like, if a dude in there for 10 years, and he got a coogee sweater, that's my coogee sweater. I only wanna be a cop to wear dudes outfits doing long sentences. Like if a dude in there for 10 years

and he got a coogee sweater, that's my coogee sweater. I go to work the next day, cop be like, how you doing Malcolm? Living better now, coogee sweater now. Notorious, all right. Fuck yeah, another new minute for Malcolm Hatchet. Boom. Does it again.

Putting on a goddamn clinic. We were just in La Jolla together all weekend. That was fun. Did you have a good time? Yeah, that shit clean as hell out there. Hell yeah. We stayed at a fancy condo right on the ocean. You were very surprised at how nice the place was that we stayed at.

I took pictures in every room. Was that your first time at La Jolla Comedy Store? I did an open mic like months ago. It was tight. That shit was tight. Wafa was strong. You did four shows. Yeah, you got the party started there each time.

It was so fun watching you get to do just what you do, how you do it, without changing anything or pandering to those rich, white La Jolla people at all. It was so fun watching them just catch up to you, sort of, if that makes sense. They scared him. They were. In the beginning, they're like, what? I don't understand. And then they're all like, oh, I'll give him a what what.

I want to lay down. You want him over in ten minutes. It was very impressive. So fun. Yeah, did you get any cuckolding offers or anything like that? I would love for you

to make love to my wife, young man. On the boat. What do you say? A couple hundred bucks? A boat trip? I ain't getting on no damn boat. If you knew La Jolla.

All right, then 500. All right. Aboard! Would you have sex with a guy's wife for money? Would you do that? Would you basically be a gigolo? I mean, all the other jobs that you Nah, cause then he gonna get mad when she don't want him back I can't do that

I see what you did They usually watch though When I put it on him, I put it on him One of the things that I learned about Malcolm this weekend by working with him and staying in the same condo, all of us comedians together, was that this candy thing that we've talked about in which he seems to eat a lot of candy

is definitely not just a character. I mean, it is truly like some Willy Wonka type of shit going on. I love that movie. You're probably going to die at a young age. Fuck it. You are literally following in Patrice O'Neal's footsteps. At least I went out sweet.

Because you might lose one. Diabetes. We understand why. You got a foot cut off because the sugar. You're going to get purple feet soon, dude. Thanks for taking the attention off me. Wow, Luigi.

Just pretty sure. Luigi's so dark. It's a brown. I mean, brown, yeah. Oh, shit. So what else is going on in life, Malcolm? What else is happening? Is the car doing okay?

You said that when we got to La Jolla That did I don't know some of my coolant, but I got to La Jolla and I parked All that shit just fell out look like Nickelodeon slime. It was crazy. Oh You mean? Yeah, that's called the radiator I was like fuck it just later. You had so much fun in La Jolla, huh? Oh, it was tight. I was like, fuck it. It just stayed there. You're not telling us everything either. Oh, I got high in my drawers.

Oh, it seemed like you just were stoked on it in a different way. Wait, you got high? Yeah. Like you had sex with like 10 dudes' wives. Oh, no. I ain't had no sex, man, because I was eating candy. I wanted to stick around. Oh, no, I ain't had no sex, man, because, you know, I was eating candy after the show. I wanted to, like, stick around.

Yeah, it was strictly business. We did get stoned a couple times for sure, naturally. No, I was high. Yeah, nothing crazy. I'm not quite, you know, drinking and being as crazy as I used to be back in the day. It's been pretty mellow lately. I'm, like, turning into an old man on the road. Top rising comedian. That's it.

Fucking pussies. Yeah, right? I know, exactly. I drink the blackout, man. It's wild. Are you smoking now? I saw on your... Oh yeah.

Well, I started smoking a few months ago cigarettes. Oh hell no Smoking weed. Yeah How's that going for you? Oh, it's cool, man That's my weed and then I eat candy and it's like extra high bro. You ever get too high whoa Now I don't climb no tree or no shit, but I'll be chilling Is that what people do that's what the weed do to me. That's how I get it. I say stupid shit like that.

Alright. It was pretty impressive. You asked me before we went to La Jolla if I had an extra vape pen. I did, and I gave him the vape pen when we got to La Jolla, which was a vape pen that was the second of vape pens

that I had. I went through the first one. It took me a very long time to get through it. It's a very powerful, I think it's supposed to last you a week, something like that. And I did watch. I mean, you just kept inhaling and inhaling and inhaling, and I was waiting for you to have a panic attack. I'm like, I'm not going to say anything.

He's going to learn the hard way. And he did disappear for a minute before one of the sets, and we were a little bit concerned. He was probably to get food or gummy bears or something like that. Yeah, gummy bears. I was a crack baby. I prepared for that vape pen.

It's true. That shit was weak, bro. I know. You were immune to it. It was very impressive. All right, well, another killer minute. You're coming with us in a couple weeks. The Lansing Grand Rapids in Detroit was just with me in La Jolla.

So there he goes, Malcolm Hatchett. Fuck yeah. What do you think? Go back to the bucket again, huh? Yeah. Oh, boy. Something special happening tonight. You guys feel it? You feel a special energy in the air?

All right. We'll see how this goes. Make some noise for Ahmed Al-Khadri. Ahmed Al-Khadri. Ahmed Al-Khadri. Here he goes. Here he goes. Here he comes. Good job.

Ahmed Al-Khadri. Hey, what's going on, you guys? Y'all doing great? Yeah. I read something interesting earlier today. There's a study case proving that having oral sex with too many different kinds of people will give you throat cancer.

Yeah. That is why I will only go down on my family. That joke is called Michael Douglas is my father and Aphrodite is my mother. And the funny thing about incest jokes is that they're family friendly. Yeah. I was exploring Koreatown last week and I went to this like sketchy Korean restaurant and I ate dog for the first time.

Yeah, it tasted rough. I mean my stomach was growling. Had to take a pause. See half the audience is like silly brown boy you are barking up the right tree. The other half of the audience is like, I could totally see why this kid goes down on his family. Yeah. Don't you guys hate it when your girlfriend's crying

and when you try to wipe her tears away, you accidentally wipe her eyebrows too? Alright, thank you. My name's Ahmed. Ahmed Al-Qadri. Hell yeah Alright

So there you go Heck yeah So how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years Hell yeah What's the greatest thing you've ever done? You feel like you have a one hour special on Al Jazeera or something like that, right?

Good one Thank you Very original you have a one hour special on Al Jazeera or something like that, right? Good one. Thank you. Very original. I know. It's weird that you mention that because I'm holding back the 20 bombing jokes that I want to do right now after you stereotypically...

Happy 9-11. Thank you. Appreciate it. Happy holidays. Is today 9-11? Thank you. Appreciate it. Happy holidays. Is today 9-11? Oh, red band. What did you do this time? No, wrong race. Wrong race.

I was doing a comedy back in Dallas, and I just moved here two weeks ago. Oh, okay. Yeah. Comedy back in Dallas. Dallas, Texas. That's where you're from. Yeah, Dallas, Texas. Heck yeah.

And they made you leave physically, and then you came here. Yeah, pretty much. How old are you? I am 25. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. Two years. All in Dallas.

Yeah. How long have you been here? Two weeks. Two weeks? You live here now? Yeah, just live here in North Hollywood. Just moved here. You live by yourself?

No, I moved with my roommates from Dallas, met them at Dallas. You guys moved out here together? Yeah. From Dallas? Uh-huh. Did you drive out together? No, he got there like five weeks earlier, and I just caught up, yeah. That's cool.

What do you do on- He's a carpet. I was faster than yours. Is this like the quickest comedy set that you've ever done? I was, I guess, because the adrenaline kicked in, so I just didn't take time. I mean, the time that you're given, though? Yeah, this is the quickest. Usually, like, in Dallas, you get, like, five-minute mics and stuff.

This is a special show. Yeah, this is special. You only get one minute, so I just had to, like, go through all the shows. In Dallas, they let you bomb for five minutes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. So how do you make a living?

I was an accountant, but I quit my job. I have enough money saved up, so I'm just trying to hash it out. Then I'm looking for a job. I'm an accountant if anyone wants to hire me. Heck yeah. If you're as good at accounting as you are at comedy, I'm sure a bunch of people don't want to hire you. I'm getting roasted by a mannequin

that came to life. Yeah, I was called... There you go, yes. Really, really killing it on that one. Something I don't read on my Instagram comments for breakfast. Ahmed Al-Khidri.

Piece of shit. Another goddamn garbage pile up here trying to take shots at the goddamn throne. Haven't paid a day of dues in your life. Two weeks off a fucking Dallas trip and here you are. Just the band playing as the Titanic sinks.

Alright, Ahmed. What's your family like? Your last name is Al-Kadri. Yeah, my parents came from Yemen. It's a small country under Saudi Arabia, but my parents came here and they had us. So we're first

generation, which is why I'm able to speak Arabic and English. What does your dad do? He owns a flooring business over there, over at Dallas. Right. Yeah. How about your mom? I'm floored. Stay at home? You're floored.

She just housewife. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? Yeah, we are five boys, one girl. Five boys, one girl. I saw that porno. That was a good one. Thank you. What's your love life like, Ahmed?

Did you leave a girl back in Dallas? Yeah, yeah. I was dating a girl there, but, you know, we broke up, moved here, so... I'm single if anyone wants to... I'm sorry. Man, I bet there's somebody out there that's looking for an accountant and a boyfriend at the same time. And they can kill two birds with one stone.

Alright. Well, Ahmed, when you say that, did you say you had your heart broken? Or that you guys broke up? No, no. Mutual? Yeah, it was mutual. I mean, we got good terms. We still talk sometimes, but that's all.

Yeah. Alright. I mean, we got good terms. We still talk sometimes, but, you know, that's all. Yeah. All right. I mean, yeah. I mean, I haven't really checked out the dating scene because as soon as I got here, I'd just been hitting all the open minds. Out of all the Middle East countries, what are the Yemen people known for? Like, what's your guys' weird thing? Weird.

There is a specific – what? Is Bin Laden from there? Yeah. Yeah. But there is that. And also, there's a drug over there called Qat, and everybody does that over there. Well, yeah. They chew it, right?

Yeah. They chew it. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Now I know about it because I'm super educated. Nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Very educated. Very proud. Hell yeah. You're damn right. It's amazing what you can do when you are a mannequin that comes to life. So much you can accomplish when you're a special, special mannequin. Juice pumps. That's right.

That's fun. Ahmed, do you have to do a lot of maintenance to your hair and stuff? Yeah, I shave downstairs every two weeks. Like I said, Aphrodite is my mother. She taught me well. What do you think your actual mother would say to you if she knew that you were calling this black woman your mother? She would just be like, you're an idiot and just laugh.

She has a sense of humor. Oh, really? Yeah, she does. They do? I didn't know Yemen people really had senses of humor. Yeah, they do. My dad is the funniest guy I know. Wow.

Yeah. So one could say bin Laden was the apple that fell far from the tree. Or the date that fell far from the tree. Bin laughing. Bin laughing. Ahmed, what's the most I said it Ahmed what's the most

un-American thing you've ever done the most un-American thing I've ever done yeah I mean it's just so much to choose from in a good way or a bad way I don't know I'm just seeing where he goes most un-American thing I've ever done I don't know. I'm just seeing where he goes with it. What's the most un-American thing I've ever done?

I don't know. I would speak Arabic to Uber drivers to kind of cut me a deal. Oh, that is very un-American. When they cut you a deal, do they use those curved swords? Can you give an example of what that would sound like? I don't care anymore. Can you give us an example of what you would sound like? I don't care anymore. Can you give us an example of what you cutting a deal to another Uber driver would sound like?

Fucking hell. All right. Usually I'd ask, let's say, give me a generic Arabic name. Osama. there you go so I'd be like hey like do you speak what's that mean like these all right do you believe in the virgins do you believe when you when you die that you're gonna have all these virgins no that was it interesting. So it's actually like just this old extremist Islamic propaganda. I have a question. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you Islamic? Yeah. Is there a hell in Islam? Yeah, there is. What's it called? Yeah, Jahannam.

So is it basically the same thing? It is the same thing, similar. Wow. Like Christianity and Islam are very very it's like very similar except Islam is just the one true religion. That's the only That's yeah, what's the only difference? And what's the Islamic? Does the Islamic devil have horns and tail too? No that was just like yeah, like y'all depict too? No, that was just like, yeah, what y'all

depict. I don't know. He just has more arms. Will you draw a picture of Muhammad for me? Dude, not cool. Now you're taking it far. Are any of your brothers a little more extreme than you in their views?

No, not at all. No, they're just, you know, they just pray five times a day, more religious than I am. I'm so fucking blown away, I never thought about Islamic hell. Yeah, I mean, I will answer all of your questions, you know? Have any of you ever thought about that?

Unless you're Islamic. No, you only hear about the virgins. You never hear about the hell. What is Islamic hell? What is that like? They have an Islamic devil? Same devil. You just wake up and. What is Islamic hell? Same devil. You just wake up and you're on Snoop Dogg's tour bus.

It is a lot more extreme. You know what I mean? The basic type of behavior gets you there. The devil pretty much looks the same. He's gnarly looking. He's got a rat tail. Pitchfork or a gnarly weapon. Is he red? I'm pretty sure. He's pretty red. Or same. He's gnarly looking. He's got a rat tail, pitchfork, or a gnarly weapon.

Yeah. Is he red? I'm pretty sure. He's pretty red. Or brown. Sick mustache? Yeah. It's just too many questions

coming at me right now. Answer them, pussy. Oh, shit. These are honest questions. I just want to learn about your culture. Yeah. Well, religion, culture. religion culture no I mean completely honest

I never asked that question in my own mind and I'm so stoked that Christianity is not the only one with a devil I think it's cool it's definitely in Islam too can you give us an example of what

is there like something that you remember like a quote an example of what the worst... Is there something that you remember, like a quote or something, like what the worst part of Islamic hell is? Yeah. Just the first level, your feet, you would be wearing feet made from barbed wires, and it's piping hot.

It is, like, extremely detailed. That's it? No, no, no. And then you're also wearing like a crown. Yeah, that's level five. I passed it. That's right before Bowser.

All right, Ahmed. We're going to keep it moving. There he goes. Ahmed Al-Khadri, everybody. Yes. Let's do something special here. We're going to have a comedian do a new minute. You might remember her from a couple weeks ago.

She made her Kill Tony debut. She's going to do a new minute for you right here, right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laura Santa Cruz, everyone. Here we go. Laura Santa Cruz. What's up guys? So I'm a waxing specialist which means that I get paid to rip people's hairs out of their bodies. Vaginas to be specific. And the only thing that bums me out about my job is when clients come and show up to their second appointment with me and they're going on and on like they know me and I have no idea who the fuck they are.

So I'm trying to rush them over to the room so they can take their pants off so I can see their vagina and know who they are. So she takes her pants off and I'm like, oh fuck Becky, did you kick that slutty bridesmaid out of your wedding? I know everything about them. So I'm not good with faces but I'm good with vaginas. After seven years, after seven years of living with my significant other, ladies and gentlemen, it finally happened.

I walked in on this motherfucker masturbating in the shower. I was so fucking pissed. I walked in there, I opened the door, and he's just yanking on his Vienna sausage. And I look at him, and I'm like, what the fuck? Because he had his fucking phone strategically placed on this little shelf in the shower. And I was like, what the fuck? Why don't I have that fucking shelf in the shower? And I'm the one with the master bathroom.

That's it. Wow, okay. You know what? I was in. Okay. I think you're on to something there with that last one. What do you mean, why don't you get the shelf? He has a shelf in his shower and I don't.

Oh. I messed up my joke. It's okay. Everybody, everybody's here for you. It doesn't matter. You work in an interesting profession. And I have some questions. Yes. So,

for example, does ladies ever come in when they're actually like... On their periods? Yeah. Yes. I won't take them if they're heavy, though. No, no, no. How do you handle that shit? I just move the string up and down. Wow.

It works. Do some of your co-workers send them away? No, we all wax vaginas on their periods. Wow, how many waxers are out there tonight? Here with Laura. There's a little waxer crew. Do you have to pay more money if you want to get waxed while you're on the reg?

No, unfortunately not. And also, I have another question. Because my sister-in-law was pregnant and she was telling me she wanted to get waxed. Is that common for pregnant ladies to come? Yeah, of course. Right before they give birth? Right before. Because they don't want the baby to come into the world like

in a gnarly situation. Picking hairs out of their mouth. That's what they say. They totally do, huh? They do, yeah. Right before they're ready to go into labor. Any more questions for Laura? I do have a third question.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. Is it true that... Can you ever match the... I don't know how to say this in a nice way. Just say it. I've heard the prettiest girl could have the ugliest vagina and vice versa. And can you tell by the way a woman carries herself

when she walks in the door? Vice versa. And can you tell by the way a woman carries herself when she walks in the door? There are some women that when they come in, they scare me. And I'm like, oh boy, here we go. Let's fucking do this. Now, Laura Santa Cruz was on the show for her very first time exactly two weeks ago and for those of you that follow the show very closely we took note of the fact that Laura Santa Cruz was a specialist

in Brazilian waxing I asked her of course in her post interview what she does for a living and that's what we found out that you did crazy because a week earlier live here on this show uh the band came out as the red hot

chili peppers and at one point jeremiah who came out with the uh with the old classic tube sock the the sock cock sock over the dick the sock over the dick but what but what stood out out of all this was when him and joel came out with socks on their dicks, we noticed that Jeremiah had such a vast amount of pubic hair. Like an amount that literally made him and his dick being in a sock not funny at all. We got banned from YouTube. It turned into a serious matter. YouTube literally, even though his dick was covered,

YouTube themselves was literally like, that is too much pubic hair to be on YouTube. No one was offended by the dick. No, no one at all. However, there was such an amount of pubic hair. And unbelievable. We made all the jokes about how it looks like a Down syndrome, 75-year-old, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, so much pubic hair. You cannot fucking believe how much pubic hair.

But YouTube suspended us for 90 days luckily we were able to get back in their good graces by being like no no it's just a bunch of pubes uh yeah it's not nudity it's just pubic hair hair um and let's just say that i feel like there's some unfinished business uh from a couple weeks ago so mean, I don't know what you guys are thinking, but I'm thinking that there's definitely some unfinished business. Hey, what's that? What's that bass riff? Wow.

Oh, wow. Look at this. It's Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, everybody. Welcome back to the show, Anthony. You got us kicked off of YouTube a couple weeks ago for the first time in our history. I got a big bush. God, I got a big bush. I got a big bush. God, I got a big bush. So we figured Jeremiah or Anthony or Mario, whatever you want to call him, helped set this up.

And what do you say we wax his armpits, huh? Would that be interesting to you guys? I'm ready. Audience, I can't hear you. We're about to... Can you lift up those arms for a second this is just a it turns out ladies and gentlemen that for the last hour and a half Laura Santa Cruz has been

heating up professional Brazilian hot wax in the back and right now we're going to wax Jeremiah's armpits it's the first ever recorded waxing in podcast history. Are you guys excited to be part of it? Here we go. First, we will be waxing Jeremiah's armpits. Tear away, tear away, tear away now. Here we go. Have you

ever been waxed, Tony? Have you ever felt that before? No, I've never had anything to do with anything. I got one strip once on my back, and it was fucking painful. Oh, really? Her shirt says, Pull Jeremiah. Yes, they have official shirts. The hot wax has made it here. It's being stirred. It seems like a fire hazard, and it seems like it could cause cancer,

but I'm down for it anyway. I was worried this was going to take too much time in between things. But I don't think, I think the hot wax is about ready. What do you guys think, huh? Here we are. We have Laura Santa Cruz. Is there anything you want

to plug for the hot wax? You want to plug your hot wax place? Thank you to Star Pill Wax, who's watching right now. By the way, for those of you listening to the podcast, this is very serious. I got a question for Ms. Santa Cruz. Do you wax a lot of men? Yes. A lot of

bodies. I don't like that answer. A fellow that we worked with, that I worked with, for something that was a really hairy guy as well. And we sent him to the waxer, and they were describing the different types of waxing that they called it. Can we get to this waxing? Do you call the place in between the guy's balls and his butthole the dugout? Is that... Or is The dugout? Is that...

Or is the dugout waxing? I think question time's over. It's time to wax those armpits. Here we go. She is taking... She has balled up the hot wax. It seems very hot. We're going to find out exactly what's going on.

And by the way, Jeremiah definitely has a huge patch of armpit hair. Blonde. Wow. It's hotter than he's ever had of armpit hair. Blonde. Wow. It's hotter than he's ever been. She's scooping it on. Wow. He's already going through a very obvious amount of pain.

Wow. His eyes are watering immediately. This is very impressive. Oh, my fucking God. This is really happening. Hold on a second here. Okay. So we have hot wax.

Oh. Wow. Jeremiah, how do you feel? Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Are you guys going another round on this? This is incredible right now. Wow. This is fantastic.

Podcast history, ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, Jeremiah almost had to have his hair shaved after the weight gain challenge, but he gained more weight than me. But this was his idea. This was his idea to get waxed. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He has no armpit hair left, ladies and gentlemen. That is incredible.

Well, I guess that's it. Unless, of course, I were to say, Josh, open the curtain. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to wax his pubic hair now. Wow. Josh, open the curtain. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to wax his pubic hair now. Wow, look at this. And it's YouTube friendly. We are YouTube approved. YouTube, we have a curtain.

We have a curtain that is covering seven-eighths of a table. The head will still be exposed for that HD camera right down the middle. Brian, I think... Okay. Yeah. So this is pretty much what's happening now. This is, I guess, no longer an episode of Kill Tony, really, as much as it is

a goddamn physical experiment. Wait, I don't think I really want to be on this side. How'd I do it? Jeremiah doesn this side. I'll do it. Jeremiah doesn't want you to look at it right now. Jeremiah is all business right now. I guess he does have to take his underwear off for this to happen. We also want to thank our sponsor, 4hims.com,

for getting him some ED medication before the show. Yeah, he's a full bony right now. The golden bony. So, I actually... Jeremiah, how do you feel right now? I'm a little bit nervous. Can I tell these ladies I'm a grower, not a shower? Oh, my God.

It's like cream of chicken soup back here. That's adrenaline. I forgot how much pubic hair you have. It's unbelievable. All right, so what are you guys doing right now to him? Can you describe it for the podcast listener? We just prepped his skin with some cleanser and added some oil, and now we put a lot of baby powder on him.

They're literally rubbing his entire groin area. It's pretty impressive. Jeremiah, are you getting hard at all? Full chub status. This is going to be pretty epic. Now, where are those other strips of, wow, look at that. They're pouring it on. It's definitely really hot. You can tell he's... This is, uh, you know...

Oh my god. What the fuck? Oh my god. This hurts really, really bad and they haven't even started. The wax is so, so, so, so hot. I didn't know his legs... Red hot. I didn't know his legs were in that position.

There is so much hot wax. His thighs are physically shaking. They are not even on the actual pubic region yet. And he's like in the splits. He's in the splits with his feet going towards his shoulders. I didn't know he was in that position. I wasn't ready. Here we go. Here we go. Three, two, one. I didn't know he was in that position. I wasn't ready.

Here we go. Here it goes. Three, two, one. His lips just quivered. Which ones? They're doing the inner... Oh, God. So gnarly. The inner thigh hair is gone.

They haven't done the pubic region yet. The next one is really the one. Why are we even doing the thighs? I thought that was okay. I think they might have snagged the veins. Oh, my God. This is it. They are applying it to the retard bush.

The dugout. Oh, my God. No. This is still. Oh, yeah. do a different layer. Can you just do the entire shaft? Jeremiah, how do you feel at this point? I think I shouldn't have done this.

I'm a Schwarzenegger now. He's sweating out of his mustache area right now. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh! I got a ball on that one. Oh my god, what my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I got a ball on that one. Oh my god.

What are we doing? I didn't think this was going to be as brutal as it actually is. This is a lot scarier than I thought it was going to be. They still haven't gotten to the pubes, by the way. They've done... My favorite part was just watching Jeremiah look and it's still okay.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever been part of in my entire life. I've done a few roast battles. Oh, my God. Jeremiah, let me ask you something. How does it feel? Oh, my God. How does it feel having someone other than your wife have her hand on your shaft right now? I tried the former sentence.

Oh no, they're doing the puke. Okay. It's so hot, it's so red hot. Man, at least I got two chicks on my down stand, know what I'm saying fellas? Yeah, hell yeah, rock star, rock star. Yo, this is not a ploy to cheat on my wife. All right, you guys wanna count down? Three, two, one.

Oh! It got stuck. There's a slight chance this is going to hurt for weeks, it appears. This looks like... Here we go. Here comes another one. Three, two, one. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

That was my ballsack. They snagged the vein. What the fuck? Keep going. I'm not no bitch. He still has a small, tiny bush above his dick left. Hell yeah.

This is pretty impressive. It's like a long Hitler mustache right now. Is that just video you're getting over there, Red Band? Oh, no, I'm Instagramming live this, motherfuckers. Oh, it's a porn hub. Whoa! They're doing the outer inner thighs now

and the final pubic region. Jeremiah, how do you feel about this right now? I think the worst is over and the rest is gonna feel so good. What about your asshole and your taint? How do you feel about waxing that to close out tonight's episode? Would you guys like that at all?

We got a bunch of savages in here. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God. All right. I'm pretty sure they just waxed Jeremiah's dick off. Jeremiah's dick is now...

Oh, my God. Okay, so I've seen... Okay, they're going to do the rollover. You're going to do your asshole and your taint. They were wondering if they were... God. You guys, we have to figure out a way to get... Are we going to put that on Pornhub or something?

Red Band's video? Because that's the video we need to see. Okay, this is the part. They just informed me, Jeremiah, you have to hold your own butt cheeks open for this. They're baby powdering in between his butt cheeks. All right. I'm pretty nervous about this one, y'all.

I thought I was joking. Twirling the wax. Oh, God. Oh, my God. What's going on back there? We're all guilty. It looks like an external hemorrhoid. Wow, they're putting this as a long, hot wax

straight on the asshole all the way up the crack. This is... Oh, my God, and they're doing the other side all at once. His entire asshole's going to get waxed at once. This could be up to... Jeremiah, how old are you? 29, yo. 29 years worth of asshole hair back there.

I've never had anything near my butt before. I've never had anything near my butt before. He's never had anything in his butt before. And all of a sudden, he has two... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They're about to do it. You guys want to count down? Maybe not.

Here it goes. Just fuck it. Three, two, one. Oh, my god. We're having serious complications. He's clenching his ass too hard. You're stretching your butt too hard. They're saying loosen up a little bit. Jeremiah's about to puke.

Oh my god You gotta relax and enjoy the story There we go, you just did it Well I guess you can't show anybody Oh my god There's another little layer here He's hurt his whole ass I can't tell if that's an external hemorrhoid

or an internal one that just slipped out. By the way, this was Jeremiah's idea, just to let you guys know, so that before I get a bunch of fucking... I love how there's Toad and Luigi watching also. I mean, this is absolutely much more scarier

and traumatic. I thought it was going to be hilarious, but this is very frightening. Chris Pontius, you've seen a lot of crazy stuff in your day. How do you feel about what's happening here? Those girls spreading the wax along his butthole right now that I just saw. I guess we're all guilty here. All right, we ready to do another countdown? Oh, wait, they're putting more baby powder in.

Oh, god. More baby powder. Should we count it down? Almost. Almost. Almost cooled down. She's pressing it into his asshole. Yeah, it's actually going in his asshole.

Zoom in on that. Get a good, you got some. No, I'm not filming that part. All right, we're ready to countdown. Ready? Five, four, three, two, one. Oh, my God, they're having serious trouble again. Oh, my God.

Wow, there they go. Jeremiah, how do you feel? Your asshole's clean. I'm alive. He survived. He looks good. His little red brown chili pepper is all crystal clear.

My God, what is this episode turned into? This is chaos. It's chaos. That's it. You know, this is the kind of show where if your pubes get us kicked off of YouTube for two days and then we find out that one of the comedians is a Brazilian waxer, then, yes, there goes the sad curtains.

I love the old sad curtain clothes. Wow. I've never seen a male asshole that were thick that close. It's been horrible in my whole entire life. Yeah, sure. Oh. I was like three feet, like a foot away from an asshole. I'm like a foot away from an asshole every Monday.

You know what I'm saying? Come on. All right. Well, I mean... That was a lot more traumatic than I thought it was going to be. It was horrible. It snagged, and you could just see

it was ripping the skin almost. Yeah, there's two things. I sort of pictured it being those glue traps or something. I pictured us being able to see all the hair. Instead, it was just watching him get a little skin removal. Not to mention the smell.

Yeah, when they pulled that asshole wax, it felt like a... Like a spider nest in there, too. That's it. There was a lot of dust. Yeah. He seems stoked, too. That's it. There was a lot of dust. Yeah. He seems stoked, though.

Yeah. His wife's going to love it. Oh, God. I mean, look at that. Oh, come on. And by the way, I'll be selling merch outside. If anybody wants to eat that stick, we're going to give you a free minute right now, ladies and gentlemen. If anybody wants to eat that stick, we're going to give you a free minute right now, ladies and gentlemen.

If anybody wants to perform a minute, it's called Welcome to a New Segment called Eat the Fucking Stick. We got to do it. That's tonight's episode. Another fun episode of Kill Tony. Make some noise for the one and only Chris Pontius, everybody. Fuck yeah.

Here's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look at that. That's you. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez was here. Chroma Chris. Joel Berg, you're mostly sorry on Twitter and social media. Anything else? Yeah, can I just say, like, if you told 14, 15-year-old me I'd be sitting next to Chris Pontius

and my friend would be getting his pubes waxed, I would say, fuck yourself. This is amazing. I can't believe it. What a great night. It was an amazing night. Fucking wow. Jeremiah, why don't you come out here and take a bow, buddy? What's going on? Is he alive?

Is he still on the table? Jeremiah. They're embalming him right now. Yo, they're finishing up some extra loose ends over here. Really? Wow, he is still there. That's incredible. I looked down, and there was still some hair, and I'm like, I've already been through the hard part. Clean it up, ladies. Oh, my God.

She just did my right. Tessica. Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Toronto, San Francisco, Swansea, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Fort Worth. You're all getting your own Kiltonis. Doing stand-up in Chicago. Don't forget stamps.com, guys. It's our new sponsor. Get your scale.

Heck yeah. It hurts when you tear a stamp off. Four-week trial. You have it all coming to you. Just go to stamps.com and type in Kiltoni. That's stamps.com and type in Kill Tony. That's stamps.com. Enter Kill Tony. How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

He has an amazing podcast out called Jeremiah Wonders where he does a bunch of characters and interviews people every week. And hey, I released a new episode of The Pony Hour. That's back. Interviewed Malcolm Hatchett. So a little podcast where I talk to somebody for an hour.

And if you want this Kill Tony shirt, there's only a little bit, there's only so many left. And they're available right now in the lobby. Live audience, thank you so much. People on YouTube, hold your horses to see the drawing of Ryan J's drawing for the night. Did you already show it?

We're going to do it after the pictures. So those of you on YouTube, hold steady for that picture. Live audience, thank you. We love you. ༼�� ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ � Thank you. you