KILL TONY - KILL TONY #293 (LANSING)

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett - Date: 09/20/2018  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony check out our website death squad dot tv there you have all the past episodes of kill tony and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live not only do we do the comedy store every monday eight o'clock but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two

shows. It's going to be two separate shows, and it's going to be our 300th episode. So check out Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company. Also, we're going to be in Swansea, Massachusetts, San Antonio, Texas, Austin, Texas, Houston, Texas, Fort Worth, Texas. And a bunch of new dates are always being added.

So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, check out RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode. RyanJEbelt.com. Tony has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's where you can get

the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red. Live from Lansing, Michigan. We're brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hensley! Lansing, are you ready to fucking rock and roll tonight or what?

Wow, this is exciting. We are live in Lansing, Michigan. Wow. This is exciting. We are live in Lansing, Michigan. Guys, make some noise one more fucking time. With all that loud music happening, I could barely hear your roarous applause. The great Brian Redband is here. Oh, hi. The machine is happening.

We are live. This is a beautiful fucking setup tonight. I'm excited about things. It's great, right? We're coming fresh off. This is the first time ever we've done so many of these stand-up Kill Tony shows. This is the first time ever Fun Fact of Lansing in which we did

the stand-up show first and the Kill Tony second. Yeah. All around the country we've always done Kill Tony first and the stand-up show second. And the whole time, we've always been like, what if we flipped it? That shit seems like it'd be a thousand times better. And I could already tell it is. Yeah, because

it's also because I'm way more drunk, you know? Whoa. Uh-oh. Yikes. Uh-oh. Well, luckily for us all, I'm a professional. Oh, there you go. All right.

Now you've proven it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. There we go. We have an admittedly ripened, drunken red band. We're all well-rested. We got in early today in Lansing. Oh, it's great. Yeah.

Thanks to our friend. Oh, I'm not going to say the hotel, actually. I'll stop myself. Red Roof Inn. Red Roof Inn. Got us in early and pumped about things. I'm excited. I'm well rested.

Went to the gym today. Burned calories that I needed to keep. I threw my cum all over the walls. I don't even know what that means. Spider-Man. Lansing. This is our first ever Kill Tony in the great state of Michigan. The whole state of Michigan.

The whole state of Michigan. This is our first Kill Tony in the whole state of Michigan. Hey, by the way. We're from Ohio. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, that's right, you Spartan pussies. That's right, suck it, bitches! I waited a long time to tell you Spartans

how much I fucking hate you. I was born and bred a Buckeye fan, and for some reason, every year, when I'm worried about the Wolverines and I'm worried about Wisconsin, you pieces of shit ruined my goddamn year! And I waited a long goddamn time to come here and personally tell you, fuck you. Goddamn badass Big Ten badasses.

We're all a bunch of Big Ten badasses. Feels good, right? Have some lovely rivalry. I mean, luckily we're on the winning side Of that rivalry But the short term is that you guys always Fuck my fucking autumn up It's always like I'm not even going to watch the Michigan State game

Fuck those pussies It's like oh you didn't hear they beat us 42-7 I'm like what? Fucking sports man Yeah they did a white out who gives a fuck Anyway So it's fucking fun, though. Hey, we got to give a shout out to your guys' only celebrity that lives here, or that grew up here in Lansing, Michigan, Don Barris.

Yeah, the great Don Barris. I mean, that's a deep inside reference. The couple people that get it will love it, but I don't think it was worth it in the long run. So let's keep this fun train moving along. Due to technical restraints, we are guestless tonight. Yeah. But we have great news for you, because how many of you are fans of this podcast, Kill Toto?

Well, then I think you'll be very, very excited about what's happening here tonight because the band is here, ladies and gentlemen. I don't want to give away any secrets, but the band has arrived in Lansing, Michigan. Thank you again, Spirit Airlines. Oh, yeah. Spirit, Sprite, basically anything that sounds like Sprott. Thank you. And every week on our show, we're at almost episode 300,

which is going to be at Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Do you want to do breaking news instead of just... Yeah, sure, let's do it. What is it? The 300th episode of Kill Tony. It's going to be at Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company.

No, you're right. Brian and I were so stoned. We figured it out ourselves. You would have thought that some fucking fan told us, but no. There we were on Monday night. We're like, when's episode 300 of this motherfucker? He's like, I think it's like eight episodes away. I go, that'd be great if it matched up with our first

ever Kill Tony Mania. Wait till you guys see this shit. People that made it here tonight, you're part Kill Tony Mania. Wait till you guys see this shit. You people that made it here tonight, you're part of something very special. I hope you know that. And it really excites me that you're here because Kill Tony Mania is going to be crazy. Turns out I looked it up.

I did the math. It is. The second show of Kill Tony Mania is episode 300. You guys are at episode, I believe, 290 Thrizzle. Am I right? 293? Yep. This is it. Live. You're are at episode, I believe, 290 Thrizzle. Am I right? This is it. Live. You're part of it. Every week, the band commits to different

characters. They become those characters. I never know what they're going to be. I can personally tell you for a fact that Jeremiah shut himself in and Joel into a room 35, 40 minutes ago. I even Instagram storied it. I watched him close the door

and this is how it happens. They turn into characters. They're going to commit to them. It took them a long time to get ready tonight. I'm excited to see what's happening. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope that they're on the other side of that curtain. Make some noise

for the best damn band in the land. They are the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Wait a second. What? They're the Monopoly guys. Oh my god.

They are making it rain. They look rich. They look amazing. They are throwing. Joel is throwing cash out. Joel just spilled all his tequila and taco. It's making it rain. I believe they're rich guys.

I'm pretty sure. I cannot wait to do the math on this, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time ever that we've had rich guys on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Is it true? Am I right? We're billionaires, you bastard. You couldn't afford to do the math on this, Tony. Oh, wow. You broke

bitch. Who cares if this show's even good? We have the money. I can immediately tell you this is one of those ones where I'm going to say without a doubt, this is immediately one of I mean, definitely one of my favorite characters of all time ever on the show

billionaires are here tonight you like what you aspire to be can we just say billionaires that shop at Old Navy though it is quite incredible I mean... Uh-oh.

Good one, Brian Breadpan. Look at the nose on that guy. Let me ask you something. What is it about billionaires in which all of a sudden you need to hold a monocle to your eye? It's more sophisticated this way, Jon. That seems like my friends Jeremiah and Joel are so poor that they think that that's what makes you a billionaire

is when you hold a monocle to your eye. I'm sorry, I can't see you broke bitches without it. Wow. Wow, the billionaires are here. Wow, he's wearing Skechers. I don't even know what that is. And you are a living garbage can. Oh.

Oh, my God. All right, let's have some fun tonight. We got billionaires. We got Red Band. We got Lansing, Michigan. And it appears as though, unless my friend Paul Bearer has been hanging around here, that I have a bucket filled with names of people from Lansing, Michigan in front of me. The people that had the balls to sign up for this show here tonight. Maybe it's some local talent that's been doing it a few months, couple years.

Maybe they're stuck here. Oh, some physical jokes that throw the whole thing off. What was it? Great white? This is a bad idea. For you podcast listeners, he's physically... By the way, fun fact.

Okay, Joel, we get it. I thought we were going to build up to that, Joel, but that's nice. We use it at the top of the show. I don't care. Google search Great White. Is that Great White? Where the whole place burned down and everyone died. By the way,

let it be known that it was a gigantic $5 bill that he burned everybody. He was a billionaire. Starting low, it seems. Abraham Lincoln. I was scared. It was the first time i had seen one of those most people that burn things don't only burn the very corner everybody knows that if you have more than half you still so i just basically made i believe five dollars on this trend yeah that's how how big five dollars are so i have a bucket filled with names. Joel's so excited he's burning fake money too early in the show.

Here we are. He stole my lighter. Clearly. Look at that. Of course a Mexican would steal your lighter. Oh, my God. Red band is on something. I wouldn't say fire, but there you go.

There's a random sound effect that set me straight. You guys ready for this shit? It's Kill Tony live. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds on this very stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

There you go you guys ready to start this shit it's the first ever kill tony in lansing michigan grand rapids tomorrow night sold out detroit the next night sold out this is us tonight lansing michigan and what appears to be four empty seats for some reason. You guys ready to do this shit? Here we go. I'm going into the bucket right now. And your first comedian, breaking the ice, if you will, the tough position, goes by the name

of J. Michael Malone. Here he comes. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Make it or break it. Live from Lansing, Michigan. J. Michael Malone, everyone. I do a lot of cooking, so I go online, find a lot of recipes every once in a while, you know.

What I like about the internet, you can find a recipe for just about anything you want to make. What I don't like is to get to that recipe, I have to read through the entire story of some lady's childhood. That is so frustrating. It's like, listen, lady, I already know what fall is like. I was just wondering what temperature I got to set my oven to. If you could help me out, that would be great. temperature I got to set my oven to. If you can help me out, that'd be great. Yeah. It's like every recipe you find online is published by a failed writer who has found a way to hold me hostage. She's like, I know exactly how much baking soda you're going to need, but you got

to give me what I need first. Validation. Any of you ladies who think mansplaining is a real problem that needs to be dealt with, I encourage you to find any recipe online. Tell me this isn't a two-way street. You wonder why women are not getting ahead in STEM fields. Maybe it's because no one wants to pick you that personal, that personal fair. Yeah, whatever. You got it? All right.

J. Michael Malone. Hell yeah.? All right. J. Michael Malone. Hell yeah. Hi, J. Michael. How are you? Good. How are you, Tony? I'm great. Wonderful.

Thanks, J. Michael Malone. Yeah. Why do you have so many first names? My name is Justin, and I just felt like that doesn't give me the, you know. Justin Malone. You went with J. Michael Malone. Correct. You want to be a sitcom star?

You sound like a sitcom star. Yeah. And you look like both Mike and Molly. I just felt like I wasn't hip enough to have the name Justin, so I went with J. Not hip enough. Yeah. You've been doing stand-up a while, J. Michael? No, about three years, but not...

Three years here in Lansing? No, Grand Rapids more. Oh, Grand Rapids. Do you always hold your microphone like Indiana Jones? I noticed you were holding it like this. I was like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, I guess so. I like to whip it around.

I bet you do. All right, so you've been doing it a few years in Grand Rapids. How old are you? I like to whip it around. I bet you do. You've been doing it a few years in Grand Rapids. How old are you? I am 35. Oh my god. That's what you had synced up for me? No, that was the billionaire to your right.

Oh, I got you. What do you do for work? I am a maintenance guy For a property management Oh my god What are you doing? You're just hitting random music at random times right now He's Indiana Jones and that's a kick ass job

God damn right How'd you get that job? I applied for it and nobody else wanted it Of course I guess he's Indiana Jones. All right. So, J. Michael. Wow.

Grand Rapids maintenance working. White people do the maintenance around here, huh? Not around my parts. Wait a second, billionaire. Who does the maintenance around your part? Immigrants. Immigrants. What's that?

More gigantic $5 bills. I have a smaller one. Oh. Wow. All right. That's a $100 bill. Anchor chip in here. You obviously robbed that.

So, J. Michael, I mean, what you been doing your whole life? How long you been working in maintenance? Oh, about five months. I used to be a car salesman here in Lansing. Oh. Yeah. Yeah? I just hated this town,

so I moved back to Grand Rapids. Whoa! Damn. For those of you listening to the podcast, people are physically throwing tomatoes at J. Michael Malone right now. It's the first time we've had a live tomato tossing at a Kill Tony. Yeah, that's true.

So, wow. Were you good at selling cars? I was good enough. Okay, well, let's play a little game I like to play whenever we have a car salesman on called Sell Tony a Car. Yeah. All right, so I just walked into your car dealership. Hey, how's it going?

Good. How are you doing? I'm good. Cool. You want a car or something? You going to try to sell me a fucking car or what? Well, I don't know. What's your credit like? Are you qualified to buy a car or something? You gonna try to sell me a fucking car or what? I don't know, what's your credit like? Are you qualified to buy a car?

I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world Let's move ahead to the final parts What should I buy? What are you looking for? Some sort of SUV? What should I be looking for? Probably like a Ford Fiesta You know what?

Never before have I used The special trap door that we put in on the stage. Almost 300 episodes, I've never felt the need to pull the lever. But after you telling me, Ford Fiesta, I got bad. How many of you want to see me pull the lever on J. Michael and he goes through the stage? I can't fucking hear you, Lance. That'll be if we ever, if we ever, if the dream ever is fulfilled and we're picked up as a weekly series for Netflix, I promise you I will get that fucking lever. That is a promise right here, right now that he made in Lansing, Michigan. Dude, I can't wait a few years from now.

Tony, dude, I was at the Lansing show where you guaranteed the lever, dude. It never happened. What's up with that, bro? So, J. Michael, tell us more about yourself. Like, here you are. You're 34. You decided to get out of the car dealership business

to upgrade, go to Grand Rapids, and do maintenance. So... Yeah. What's the grossest thing you saw? Yeah. The grossest thing? Ryan doesn't know what maintenance means. I don't know, just a lot of bed bugs and shit.

I don't know. Bed bugs? Have you ever had bed bugs? I've never had them, but a lot of the houses that I'm dealing with lately seem to have them. Redman has fridge bugs. Okay.

Okay. Billionaire. We don't care if it works. Joel, I swear to God if you use all of the props before the end of the 30-minute mark, I'm going to murder you. It's the first comic. It's called pacing. We've got to save some of these for Omar. Do not blow our load up front. Wow.

That was supposed to be the 45-minute mark at least. And I didn't get to see it. I do what I want. Wow. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. It's just so much funnier than I mean you could ever fathom Have you ever done mushrooms before?

Yeah several times Acid Like all sorts of stuff Really? Have you had a bad trip? You don't seem like that kind of guy Yeah that's Yeah

What'd you do? What'd you do after you did like acid? What'd you do like Bake a turkey leg or something like that? No I just fucking... I don't know. You stole the Tonight Show from Conan. No, Jay Leno can actually sell cars.

He can afford cars, too. He likes karaoke and cars anyways. Different shows. Anyway, should I throw money again? Yeah, I don't know. What do I do? I don't know. I just fucking hang out and trip the fuck out, I guess. Wait, what do you mean?

You don't seem like the guy that would trip out. You're a beat a woman on mushrooms? Alright. Not on mushrooms, Jesus. Oh boy. What have you done on mushrooms? I asked you that like three minutes ago.

Yeah. Okay. What have I done? I don't really do things. Come on. There must be an answer here. Perhaps go for a hike. Perhaps put something on a television.

Perhaps listen to music, you fucking guy. Yeah, this guy goes for a hike. There's things you've done after you've eaten the mushrooms. The most recent time I have done mushrooms, I was on hikes all over the wilderness. There was fires and hikes and coyotes and fucking music.

I experienced it. What's wrong with you, J. Michael? What happened? What happened to you? A stroke. Who molested you since you first got up here? Which one was it? Point to the mustache of the. Who molested you since you first got up here? Which one was it? Point to the mustache of the man that molested you. I'll pay you handsomely.

J. Michael, what do you think is the most likable interesting thing about you? Oh, fuck. I'm not that likable. We can't find anything either. I'm really trying to throw you a bone here, and it looks like you love bones. I don't know exactly what that means.

Don't cut yourself short. You're a lovable teddy bear. I should have said collect bones. That would have been funnier. Like, he's a bone collector. I'll save that for... After my tri-bone. Around episode 350, I'll be able to do that after it wears out a bit.

All right, J. Michael, I'll tell you this. You're a big bag of biscuits. You're adorable. But, I mean, it just seems like you do drugs and sit around. And I don't even know what you really do after you do the drugs. I just let the drugs do all the work, Tony. I mean, you can't give a good, decent ten-second drug story?

Alright, so, you asked specifically about mushrooms. Last time we did acid. Yeah, ten seconds. I don't know, just fucking getting in tubs and everything's changing. Yes, look. Yes, look. Look what just happened. Look what just happened. You said something and they laughed.

How does that make you feel? That makes me feel good, Tony. Well, he said he got in a tub. The audience was like, what, a butter? Why do you say Tony after you answer all my questions? I don't know, polite? No, it's not. I don't know.

Stick to your gun sport. All right, J. Michael. I'll tell you this. You know, I mean, you got the party started here tonight. You wore your best Grand Rapids garb. I like your style, man. I know we have to move on, but let me ask you one more thing. Why Grand Rapids? You know, I don't know what let me. I know we have to move on, but let me ask you one more thing. Yeah.

Why Grand Rapids? Like, why? When you're like, I'm going to leave Lansing and I'm going to fucking do something much better. Yeah. I'm going to show everybody. I'm going to write my story right fucking now. And I'm going to go to Grand Rapids like out of the hole. Is there something that's keeping you there?

You got like kids or something? I don't have kids. I got a lot of friends. I spent eight years in college over there. There's a lot more opportunity for things. There's nothing to do over here, basically. Wow. Yeah, Grand Rapids. All right. J. Michael Malone.

There he goes, everybody. Getting the party started. Not an easy job. All right. I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm already having a ton of fun. Gone through so much already. You guys having fun out there?

You get it? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Cody Holdridge. Here we go. Holdridge. Here we go. Cody Holdridge, everybody. Come on.

I don't think it's fair that Beaners had to change their name to Bigby, but Spick and Span is still a product. to Big B but spic and span is still a product. When you... Whoops. When you take your food out of the microwave right before the timer goes off, I feel like you're giving your microwave blue balls. Like it spent a whole bunch of time making everything hot and moist, and then you just pulled it out. It was going to make a bunch of noise and everything.

Do you think people in wheelchairs ever call them electric chairs? Like, even if they're not motorized? Because they're probably gonna die there. Fuck yeah. Cody Holdridge is now live on the show. Wow, and obviously he just turned into a billionaire. It happened that quickly.

Cody Holdridge, for you podcast listeners. This man stole my pipe. I'm also a magician. Wow. You're the worst. All right, so Cody, let's get into it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years.

Five years. I didn't understand the Beaners, Big B. There's a local coffee joint called Beaners, and they changed their name to Big B preemptively. What about the Beanery and And the coffee bean-er? Yeah, I mean, those would have worked as well, too. You know, first of all, Cody, I would like to say, you know, we've done a lot of episodes of this show.

I've seen a lot of different people up here. You are the first person that I can truly say looks like if in the movie Child's Play, if the doll ended up taking over the little boy's body at the end and he grew up into his 30s and just successfully lived a normal life, perhaps chasing some of his dreams, maybe

trying stand-up comedy on Kill Tony, things like that. If Chucky was like, I'm gonna take this human vessel and live a good life and then, you know, it's like literally if Chucky got his shit together, that's the vibe I'm getting from you. I'm going to go to

billionaire Jeremiah Watkins. Yes, this man looks like he used his EBT card to buy mustache wax. Hey, for the audio listeners, a vinyl record just fell from his shirt. Wow. So, Cody, let's get into it.

You've been doing stand-up again how long? About five years. About five years. Here in Lansing? Kalamazoo, mostly. Kalamazoo. And what's that closest to? It's south of Grand Rapids.

Yeah. Is that near Tomfoolery? Ben Folds wrote a song about Kalamazoo. What? Ben Folds wrote a song about Kalamazoo. Oh, wow. It is a real place. It is a real place.

If I don't know all my gosh darn Ben Folds references. Cody, what do you do for work? I work at a craft brewery, if you can believe it. No, I believe it. I was going to ask you what your favorite IPA was. Why would you brew cheese? Answer the question, boy.

I don't know. Because I'm making pizza. I make pizza at a craft brewery, so that's why I... Wait. Yeah, it's... You're the pizza guy? I'm the pizza guy at the beer place. Wow.

Did I call it or did I call it? Always on point. Cody, do you drink a lot? Do you drink a lot? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. What's your drink of choice?

Whiskey, scotch, beer. You're into everything that makes a man's mustache twist up. Oh, my. Cody, I got bad news for you, my friend. On this show, I don't know if you've ever listened to it or been on it, but we do have a pre-existing condition for people that happen to wear fanny packs. And this is a segment we call, What the Fuck is in Yo Fanny Pack?

All right, here we go. It's an empty Gatorade bottle. I smoke tobacco out of this. Wait, what? Wow. My mustache is twisting up at the thought of that. Have you ever heard of cigarettes, you fool? Oh, gross.

What is that? It's a downstem for a water pipe. Oh, so you put that in a bottle and you smoke straight tobacco. Like what? Like American Spirit bag tobacco? Can I try it? Is that true? American Spirit? You are the grossest person I've ever met in my life.

Actually, I've never experienced that. Can I try it? Yeah. Oh, the billionaire wants to smoke some tobacco. Once you complete this task, you are dead to me. I'll just buy myself back to life. I love that the Kill Tony band is going through this. The Kill Tony band has the same chemistry as Pink Floyd in their last couple years together.

Lansing, I promise you, this is the first time that Joelberg's ever smoked tobacco out of a Gatorade bottle. Wow. Wow. Oh, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm going to watch Joelberg

vomit in 30 seconds and be happy that I didn't do anything with it. This guy has a... For you listeners, it's incredible. This guy is the hippest of all the hipsters we've ever had on. Is that the only thing in your fanny pack? It is an American flag fanny pack

certified God bless America red, white, and blue. The funny things you do. America, America, this is you. God bless America. Red, white, and blue. The funny things you do. America, America, this is you. That's right. I'll sing the national anthem on this goddamn show. So, Cody, do you consider yourself a proud American?

Not really, no. Wow. Alright. I mean, do you guys watch the news? What news are you watching? This is coming from a man wearing two different shoes. They're both Heelys, though. Oh, my God. You're wearing Heelys?

He is wearing. You're a traveler, right? No. Yeah, you are. You're like those annoying people on Live PD that want to fucking shoot. He travels from one side of Kalamazoo to the other side. Makes the train easier to catch.

I'm the traveler of Kalamazoo. I think I'm addicted to tobacco now. He chewed through the pipe. It's called meth. So Cody, just the little bit on the surface that we've... The little bit that we've seen and found out about you so far leads us to believe that you're super hip and into crazy stuff.

What is the hippest thing about you? We've seen your weird fucking smoking straight tobacco out of a Gatorade bottle. Weirdly. Don't knock until you've tried it. One of the most frightening things I've ever seen. I mean, when I'm at home, I use a water bong for it. But, uh...

Wait, when you're at home, you use the what? I use an actual water bong. This is my travel pipe. Oh, you use a... Okay, Brian thinks your body is a wonderland for some reason. What kind of water? Are you using flint water in your water bomb?

Is it a flint water bomb? The lead actually is really good at trapping the nicotine. Okay. That's what's in the flint water is lead. Is that the hippest thing about you? I have a record collection. Duh. Yeah, we knew that shit.

You also make candles. We get it. Come on. What's the good shit? I work on cars sometimes. Cars? Yeah, it's... Other people's cars?

No, I don't like other people's cars. I just like working on my own. Wow. How many cars do you have? Like three or own. Wow. How many cars do you have? Like three or four. Wow. How do you have three or four? And a motorcycle.

Is this how we find out you're the billionaire's grandson? The twisted mustache, the pipe. I think I'm catching on to you. Yeah. Many cars? All right. Well, Cody, fun times. It was nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming on. Pleasure is mine. Thank you very much. There he goes. A gentleman indeed. Cody Holdridge. Some fun characters. There he goes.

He's literally rolling out on his Heelys. That's the first time I've seen that one. Here's another name. Spencer Langley. It is your time. On Kill Tony. Live. Lansing.

Michigan. How's it going, everybody? Give it up for the band. They're doing great. But anyways, I was sitting out on my porch late at night, smoking some reefer. a little bit like this. Damn, that's some good kush. But anyways, I was thinking, I was thinking about the dictionary because I was looking at it while I was on about the dictionary,

because I was looking at it while I was on the toilet. That's like the only book we had next to it, so you got to read it. And you know we got words in the dictionary that are the same thing with two different meanings? They're called homonyms. Well, anyways, they're pretty fucking shitty, because I think they just ruin everything. Like, think about race, for example.

You got 26 letters in the fucking alphabet and you couldn't think of another word to describe that like one thing is something you place first second and third in the other is a skin color you wonder why people are so racist like literally it's in the fucking dictionary but uh a fucking dictionary. Spencer Langley, everybody. Alright, first of all, you are under arrest. That's right.

This is the first time we've ever pressed charges against a person pulled out of the bucket. Twelve-year-olds are not allowed to smoke pot in Lansing, Michigan, Spencer. How old are you? 20. Just turned. 20?

Yeah. Months? You are the biggest 20-month-year-old I've ever seen. You're a big, gigantic baby. Yeah. Yes, a billionaire Jeremiah. We got the same amount of facial hair, though. Yeah.

No, he didn't! I love you, Tony. But that's because I shaved before the show. Okay, something crazy is happening. We have a full-blown security intrusion, ladies and gentlemen. She stole my idea earlier. Oh, shit.

So earlier today, this gentleman tried to buy a drink at my bar, and I looked at his ID. Buy a drink? And he actually, well, he got a water, but he got busted for a fake with a water. Oh. I lost $50. I lost $50. And then, hold on, ladies and gentlemen. And I gave her a $5 tip.

What the fuck? She stole my ID. After everything, he tipped me $5. I could have been a dick. Wow. She comes up here and roasts me after I did shit. This place is out of control. That is one of the fakest IDs I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, yeah. Don't I look like McLovin? In this ID, I shit you not, he doesn't have an ear. out of control. That is one of the fakest IDs I've ever seen in my life. Don't I look like McLovin? In this ID, I shit you not, he doesn't have an ear. He's missing a full ear. They photoshopped the ear using the magic wand tool for you nerds at home. Let's just relax for a second. Again, I'm going to go back to...

Can I get that back? Kind of hard to get. I'm going to go back to... Can I get that back? Kind of hard to get. I'm going to go back to Billionaire Jeremiah on this one. Yes. After watching your set, I would like to pay you to never do stand-up comedy again. Can always

hold on to that, Spencer. So let's get right into it. First of all, tell us the truth How old are you? 20 You're 20 years old Just turned like two months ago And why did you have a fake ID?

I like to drink I don't know But you ordered a water But why did you order a water? Look at that thick X that they drew On the top of his hand It's so funny A little overkill

I already got kicked out of one bar Wow, what a loser Well Spencer, I gotta give you credit man You're way ahead of your time Here you are, taking chances You'll always have this fucking story You're only 20 years old And here you are fucking busting into a show and a fucking

scene. Tell us what it's like to be a 20... You live here in Lansing? No, I live in Livonia, Michigan. It's like five minutes outside Detroit. Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Yes, it is. By the way,

Spencer, I've only known you three minutes, but I can settle this argument. No, it isn't. You're telling me six and inkster. Who said that? Who said that? Ten minutes away from Detroit. You're telling me six and inkster isn't ten minutes away from Detroit?

It sounds like you are trying to be what is called hard by the kids. And you live much farther away from Detroit than you're actually saying. You're just a very privileged white boy who lives much farther away and has no concept of what it's like to relate to the inner city folk. Spencer, the way you can win this all back

is by being honest with these questions. He's lied three times so far. And that's not even counting the fake ID. What? You've lied to almost everybody here tonight. I live 10 minutes outside of Detroit. I live 10 minutes outside of Detroit. He looks like he's a construction

paperworker. Spencer. Spencer. Answer honestly. What do your parents do for work? My dad's a cop. Whoa. We don't get along very well.

You don't get along with your dad? No. Why is that? Because you're a fucking liar? Yeah. When your dad used to punish you with the belt, would you yell, police brutality? What did he say?

Stop resisting. Wow, what do you and your dad disagree the most about? I don't know. Your genes? Incest? Weed, probably. Marijuana. Yeah, you smoke a lot of pot?

You love it. You started when you were 15? Yeah, I sell it, too, because it's easy money. I never thought I'd say this, but white people are stupid. You're on the number one live podcast. Wow. I cannot believe I'm going to be buying pot

from a 20-year-old tenant. It's so weird. You're not an arc, right? You're not an arc. It's like the best arc ever. Might be the first time I've gotten a 20 sack from a 20 sack. Suspenser. Wow.

I mean, do you have any other jobs other than smoking pot or selling pot? I just quit a couple weeks ago at my other job. Yeah, what was that? Hey, no, settle down, people. What was the job that you quit? Menards. It's like... Explain to me what it is. They're all laughing. I need to know.

Midwest version of a Home Depot. Oh, wow. What were you doing there? Chopping wood. You said Menards? You said Menards is like a Home Depot? Another lie. That lie made Menards hurt.

Wow. All right. Let's do something a little fun since you're a fucking dirty liar and I so rarely get the chance to work with a human being that just continuously lies and can't even help himself.

Let's play a little game called Lie to Me. I mean, every question I ask you, you seem to lie about. So, why don't you try your hardest to be honest

about something. And yet, I'm going to try to guess whether it's a lie or honesty at the end. Give me a fun fact about you. Two truths and a lie? However you want to do it. Any order. No, just keep talking and we'll decide whether it's a lie or not. You have a girlfriend? No.

I've never had a girlfriend uh no i should i've never had a girlfriend now normally i would agree with you because i'd be like there's no way this fucking down syndrome baby blake griffin is getting pussy but in this instance all that i know about you i feel like you do have a girlfriend and you're saying no because you want to no because you still are so delusional that you think you might get laid by some chick out there tonight, like one of these comedy fans. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? Eighth grade. I'm calling

lie again. Is that why your cop dad really hates you? Because you're gay? Stop sucking those dicks. Put the dick down. You're going to die, man. That's my uncle. Son, how'd you get my nightstick?

Oh, wait. That's a black cock. Oh. Put it down. Drop the black cock. You're chanting Schoenberg. It was me, you assholes. How does Schoenberg get a chant?

Schoenberg. No. All right. So. Wow. How does Joel work at a channel? Toneberg Alright so Wow Why haven't you had a girlfriend since 8th grade? Just be honest I like Having the market open to me Just playing the field you know

You into that type of stuff? You jerk off a lot? You jerk off and your? I'm not. You jerk off in your dad's, like, fucking gun and shit? Nah. Nah. Jerk off in your dad's handcuffs ever? I don't even see my dad, so, like... You never see your dad?

Nah. Wow. Yeah, so... Reminds me of a song. You guys are so sad, so... Not that one. All right. No, that's not.

All right. I call a halt to that. Yes, Brian is just not ready. Control your sound effects. My God, how drunk are you, Red Band? It's quite incredible. It is a lack of professionalism that I'm glad he saves for a city like Lansing. That was a joke, but okay.

Let's get back to this filthy, dirty fucking liar. What's something that you think could win us over about you? What's a likable fact about Spencer Langley? Like, you do something good for the people. There's something good about you deep inside. A good deed that you've done recently perhaps or something like that in which you've given something to help other people

in some way. You're still thinking, okay, perhaps like something that you've donated or anything that you've thought or any intentions that you had. How far back do I have to go before we just find out you're a bottom of the barrel human being? Don't say you wish to be big.

Yeah, don't say that. I donate clothes to the Salvation Army. That's about it. That's the only charity I've done in the past four months, being honest. You donated clothes to the Salvation Army. We all know that as

White People Garbage Day. You're telling me that instead of throwing your clothes in the garbage, you took your clothes to where white people take their garbage. Easiest charity you ever do. Everybody knows. You can't just throw clothes away. Nobody's that big of an asshole. Even the billionaires don't throw their clothes

away, right? What do you do with them? We burn them. Yes! right what do you what do you do with them we burn them yes spencer i would talk to you more but i feel like i wouldn't get an honest answer out of you but i'll tell you this you know i mean if stand-up comedy how long you been doing it what do you want to do is this your first time ever right felt like Felt like it. That's great. And I'll tell you this, man. What a fun story. I'm telling you, out of almost all the fucking first time stories, this is something nobody will ever be able to take from you.

So when you look back at how bad of an interviewer you were, you know, and how many lies you told, just look back and you go, but I got that fucking story and nobody else does. There he goes. Spencer Langley, everybody.

I like this. This is a 20-year-old kid. That's about fucking 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years earlier than most great comedians that you know start. So how about at least giving one more time for Spencer Langley, guys.

Who knows? He could be the fucking pride of the pride of five, ten, twenty, thirty minutes outside of Detroit one day. Here we fucking go. Keeping the fun train moving along.

Let's all meet James Couture. Here he comes. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Woo. Woo. James Couture, everyone. Come on.

Snapchat is a useless app, and if you disagree, you're just getting more nudes than I am. To dicks, condoms have to feel like betrayal. It's like uninviting your friend to the party. Just like, come on, man, we're all worked up, we were going to go. Sorry, man, she wanted to be safe. I wanted to come, you said I was going to. It can't feel good for the vagina either. It's like inviting the hot guy to the party

and then he just keeps his jacket on the entire time. Come on, get comfortable. Is it me? You're being weird. It's like inviting the werewolf from True Blood to your house, butt-ass naked, and the mini steps in the door, he puts a rubber suit on. Why'd you make it weird? I don't know. There's a feature on my dryer called Less Dry. Why do I want that?

Who wants that? You know what I want? A good heavy damp feeling. That's what I like. I like walking around like it's August in Tallahassee. Give me that. Boom. There you go. Give me that. Boom. There you go.

There you go. I mean, wow. That was great. That last stride thing is one of those jokes that reminds me of when, like, I don't want to go in the back of the room and see what Louie or Bill Burr is working on. Because I'm like, fuck those guys. Fuck them. They've got it all.

Then I'll walk in, go into the restroom or something and catch 15 seconds and I'll hear something like that and I'll just be like, these motherfuckers. That's just such a good... The setup was the punchline. So beautiful. That's the fucking

magical art of comedy. You could say words in a succession a certain way and just have people clap their hands together. I noticed Red Band and I both went applause break on that. 100%. That was amazing. So how long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing about five years now. Five years in here? I just moved to Lansing in August. I was in Saginaw for a while. I was in Northern California, Humboldt County for three years. Kim Hodges says hi, Dan Redband. I don't know if you remember her. Who? Kim Hodges. Savage Henry, all that shit up there. Somebody that you

watch masturbate in a chat room. I wouldn't put it past her. Double Hitachi? Is that your girlfriend? No, it's actually my brother's girlfriend. How'd you downgrade so much, though? You were in Northern California. You're having the time of your life with this porn star girl, I guess.

What made you move from Cali back to Michigan? Homesickness, if I'm being honest. No, that's fine. Have you ever been to Arcata, California? It's like an island surrounded by redwood trees and just a fog of weed. Wow. It sounds like heaven. It's like Amsterdam for America.

Go there, don't stay. Do you miss teaching the School of Rock? That is a well-deserved Lansing-Jolberg chant I'm hearing out there. Do you? Do you miss teaching at the school? Actually, I'm a substitute teacher K-12 for a day job. Wow.

Look at that. Your kids suck. Wow. You hate the kids? They're a joy. Wow. I'm pretty sure this is how we find out that there's going to be a school shooting in Lansing eventually here. They want to give teachers guns.

Yeah. Especially here. Stupid. How do you feel about that? Are you against that? Yes. Yeah. I'd rather blow my own brains out.

Some of the middle schoolers are mean. Yeah. I wore a red shirt and khakis one day, and for two weeks I was Jake from State Farm. Oh, you work at Target Do you feel like a kid would get your gun They would figure it out, right? Oh, easy, look at me Have you ever fired a gun?

Yes, I have And then I squealed like a bitch You're used to just giving the mandible claw, right? The M mankind reference? I'm pretty sure Joelberg just called James mankind right there, the mandible claw. It's a deep reference. My Paul Bear reference didn't work earlier, but your mankind one did a little bit better. So anyway, James, tell us something else.

When you're not doing stand-up And you're not teaching K-12 substitute teaching You're strictly a substitute That's your thing You're like fucking something or nothing New day every day Wow What do you do for fun?

What's a guy like you? I do a lot of writing I read and I drink a lot of High Life Miller High Life? The champagne of beer? That's the best one That's the best one Wow, when you say you drink a lot of writing. I read and I drink a lot of High Life. Miller High Life? The champagne of beer? That's the best one. That's the best one. Wow.

When you say you drink a lot of Miller High Life, what are we talking about here? Substitute teacher amounts? Yeah. Actually, like real teacher amounts. Oh. Do you ever miss substitute teacher? Did they ever not have teachers call off and you haven't worked for a while and you get a little lonely so you just fake grade tests? What?

Just make questions and just put a kid's name I don't like and just make sure he fails. What's the last porn that you masturbated to? Wow. Stock porn is so fun to watch. Stock porn? Have you ever seen that before? What is it? So like stock porn, there's a real funny one. Wow. Stuck porn is so fun to watch. I don't know. Stuck porn? Have you ever seen that before? Yes, I have.

What is it? So like stuck porn, there's a real funny one. There was a stepmother was picking out laundry out of a dryer and got caught on it. Wait, stuck? Yeah, her shirt. Are you saying stuck? Stuck porn. Oh my God. So her shirt gets stuck in the dryer.

And she's in there screaming for help and then her stepson comes. Oh yes. Oh my God. I love this. The whole time she's in there screaming for help and then her stepson comes. Oh, yes. Oh, my God. I love this. The whole time, she's just, help me. I'm telling you.

I got my hotel room is ready. My iPad and laptop are already sitting there. Wi-Fi dialed in in both. I guarantee you, tonight is my night with stuck porn. I will jerk off.

I probably won't even make it to when she gets stuck. Oh, she's going to tell your dad. Yes. Yes, billionaire Jeremiah. Yes, I have a similar evening planned, except I will be watching Stock Porn. When the market crashes, I come everywhere. Holy shit.

Look out for the Dow bones. Wow. Whoa. Now, James, what are you afraid of? What are some things that scare you? You know, spiders, fucking dark. You afraid of the dark a little bit? Come on.

Exercise. I have a nightlight. It's fine. No, I hate exercise, actually. Sweating to death would be a fear. But what are we talking about? What scares a guy like James? I'll tell you mine.

I shut the lights off at nighttime, and sometimes I look out because I keep my hallway light on, even though my bedroom door is closed, and I look out, and keep my hallway light on even though my bedroom door is closed and I look out and I always, you know, am afraid to see like feet standing on the bottom side of the door where the light shines through, but there's never feet there. Thank you. Slipping in the shower. I am actually like, every time I'm in, I'm like careful. Have you ever slipped in the

shower before? Once. Wow. How old were you when that happened? I was like probably seven. Seven. Wow. And it's always stuck with you. Yeah. And that was the last time you showered? Dry shampoo is a wonder, baby. Yep.

All right, James. Well, I mean, that's the set of the night so far. Oh, thank you. Just so much fun. Killing it. It was nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. We're going to keep moving along.

There he goes. James Couture, everyone. Let's go back to the bucket, shall we? I like this. Everybody just felt the room right then. You guys as stoned as I am tonight? Anybody? Just a few people. If anybody has any pre-rolled joints

Anyway I pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for Tyler Tichvon Here he comes from right down the middle He can't even hide the smile on his face He's excited First time ever on Kill Tony It's Tyler Tichvon He can't even hide the smile on his face. He's excited.

It's the first time ever on Kill Tony. It's Tyler Tichvon. Hey, what's up, guys? So I'm going to say what the guy before me didn't say. Substitute teaching sucks dick. It's terrible. Every kid is the worst because they're either little and they're vicious or they're older and, like, high school assholes. Anyway, Spirit Airlines, I got to say,

guys, I don't know why I got shit on it. It's pretty dope. They are blunt and honest about what kind of flight they are. They lean in on it. The last time I flew Spirit, one of the passengers got in an argument with the flight attendant and she goes, what do you think this is, Delta? So, needless to say, that was also the first time I had sex on an airplane. The trashiest thing about that whole story is, after we got done, she goes, I'm actually from Detroit.

So, uh... All right. So, uh... I'm gonna... What the fuck? Tyler Tichvon. What the hell? Here we go.

What's up? Tyler, you seem like you're way too happy. I get that a lot, yeah. You're a happy guy? Oh, yeah, usually. Why is that? I spent a lot of years in customer service, and I just learned to, like,

you just got to grit through it and put a smile on. Gets you through the day. When you're, like, really sad, like, what do you look like? I don't know. You can't even do it right now. I saw you smiling. You got pulled out. You were sitting right over there. You came right up the middle. I saw you just smiling.

You were just so excited to take the stage. You can't take the smile off his face now. Billionaire Jeremiah. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what white privilege looks like. You can't stop smiling. Things are always good.

Yes, you smile like a mentally challenged child. It's incredible. Just all the time. You're so happy. You don't know why. No, I don't know. When I get nervous, I smile. Really? You're so happy. You don't know why. When I get nervous, I smile. That's my... Really? You're nervous right now? A little bit. Damn well should

be. I know. I'm in front of the Top Young Rising comedian. There you go. Tyler, what are those for this show? Those wristbands? Yeah, they're for this show. Everybody has those. I didn't notice. Alright, how old are you? 27. How long have you been doing stand-up?

That's your very first time. Put it together for Tyler, everybody. What was the first thing you talked about again? I listened, but I can't remember now. I just mentioned the substitute teaching. That wasn't planned. Oh, so you are, that's right, you are a substitute teacher. I did it for

a while, a little bit. Until you fucked that chick, right? No. Just couldn't help yourself, right? And then by the time the principal called you into the office to find out if it was true, you were smiling ear to ear and he's like, you seem nervous. This seems

suspicious. Yeah. No, no, no. What grade did you teach? So I just substituted like I try, I substituted kindergarten one time, but those kids are, they're evil. So you didn't have sex with one of your students? How many students did you have sex with? Zero, zero, zero. They're like little fleshlights that walk around and crack, draw, you know?

All right, all right. Come on, Red Band. Brian. Red Band. All right. You know what you did. Brian. Red Band. All right. You know what you did this time. You seem like you've quit a lot of jobs. Is that your thing?

No, no, no, no. Actually, no. I mean, I had a handful of jobs through college. How about now? Nope. Same job for almost three years now. What is it? I work in insurance in Lansing.

Insurance in Lansing. Insurance in Lansing. What kind of insurance? Hopefully it's life insurance because I would kill myself if I lived here. No, it's... Oh, wow. All right. This sound doesn't like self-deprecation. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys. I could

feel that energy twist there. Sorry. I like to make jokes about things. Remember when I kissed your ass about being a good football team, huh? Same guy. Alright. So Tyler, you seem sort of douchey. I mean, we all see the types of guys like you

that smile a lot. You're a good looking guy, right? You're wearing the fucking short-sleeved hoodie, because that's a fucking thing in real life that anybody ever needs to fucking wear. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Never. Ever in a million years. With a pocket on the side, a pocket with a fucking button pointed at that audience. Show them. Look at that fucking thing. Do you smoke tobacco out of Gatorade bottles? I need another hit.

Tyler, you get laid a lot? You seem like you're into women a lot. I mean, I mean. You don't have a girlfriend, right? No. But you go on dates a lot, right? Yep. You have all the dating apps, right?

Not all of them. But you're on Tinder and what's the one? Bumble? Yeah. You're on both of those, right? Yep. And you're going on dates a lot, right? Mm-hmm.

So let's talk about it. Just got real tough. What's an awkward one that stands out to you as of late? An awkward one of those fucking dirty internet dates. Like, hey, what's up? Like your profile pic. Hey, you too. I'm horny.

You want to fake have coffee and then fuck? Yeah. How does that go? Well, I had one and she was like really into like BDSM stuff. BDSM? Yeah, like Big Daddy's sucking money.

That's Jeremiah motherfucking billionaire Watkins. That was amazing. Clifford Reginald III. Oh, Clifford Reginald III. Again. All right. So BDSM, and what does that mean to you? What did she do to you?

Well, I mean, I don't think I got to her full range because I tapped out early because I was like, this is not my style. Full range. Come on, dude. Yeah, no, she – Tyler, give it to us. Like give us the like description of what you mean by she wanted too far. What did she already have you in the latex max mask ball gag in your mouth fucking joelberg up your asshole all the way

and then you're like i don't think i can go any farther i don't think i'm into this as much as you are uh uh no it was before that i mean like she wanted like to get choked out and like like bruises and shit and She did jujitsu. Is that your excuse or did she really like that? No, no. She wanted that. I was not. This chick's going to get punched right now. Absolutely. She just... No quicker way to do it than by kicking over a man's

can of delicious Bush Light Beer. That's what that is right there. You kick a man's bush, you get hit in the tush. That's what we say in Lansing, Michigan. You gotta put a knee in her. That's incredible. Where did she want you to bruise you? Did she say, like,

hit me in the thigh or hit me in the arm? Like, what was it? I don't even understand how that would even start to work. I don't know. It was just anywhere. I don't really know. Like I say, I... So when she's like, hit me, you fucking pussy, you're like,

no, no, I will not do that. Just smile real big, like a giant fucking pussy that would wear a T-shirt hoodie pussy shirt. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. No, no, you're not. I'm just being mean

because it's your first time and I have to break you in or you'll quit. You'll quit. Anyway. No, I'm going to smile because it's your first time and I have to break you in or you're quit. Quit. Anyway. No, I'm going to smile the whole way through. So, but answer my question. When she said hit me, like, oh, I don't understand.

How do you know that she wanted you to hit her? Was it a conversation that happened while you were fucking her? Was it, you know, while you guys are Netflixing or whatever? Oh, no, it was during sex. She was just hitting me. So you're going in and out? What position are you in? Tell me the truth, Tyler. Were you in or were you out? Animal style?

No, it was missionary at the time. Missionary? And she's like, hit me. And you said, what? He said, one more time? Ha ha ha. He said, more time Ha ha ha He said I will gladly oblige Yeah did you say okay

And you just started wailing on her And she's like no come on Leave a bruise you fucking t-shirt hoodie Wearing pussy And you're like I can't I'm hitting you as hard as I can This is all for show and you're like, I can't, I'm hitting you as hard as I can. This is all for show. No, I know, I love it.

All right, but we got to keep it moving along. We got more names in the bucket to get through or at least try to get through. There he goes, Tyler Teachvon. Oh, yeah, his joke about spirit was that it wasn't that bad. All right. He made a spirit joke. Today, my spirit airlines attended. Her name was Shimmy.

Holy shit. Who's named Shimmy? How do we pull this fucking guy's name out of the bucket right there? That's the guy I want. Oh, yeah. He's built like a lion. Here we go. Make some noise, Lansing, Michigan, for your very own Jacob Drosha.

He's afraid. Yeah, I like that. A little hesitation. Woo! Those are always the best ones. A true moment of hesitation before standing up. Ladies and gentlemen, give him a good welcome. Come on, give him a shot.

It's Jacob Drocha. Hello. I really wasn't planning on this. My brother put my name in the bucket there. So, I don't know what that is, man. Yeah, I really don't have anything funny to say. I haven't had this much fun since 9-11. That was, uh... That was, um... That was my, uh, me and my wife's anniversary, by the way. I don't know what you guys are laughing at, but...

Well, there you fucking go. Jacob Drozd, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to tell you this right now, and you're not going to believe me. You're going to think I'm fucking with you. But that's my favorite set of the night so far. And let me tell you why. And this is very important for the people that I think

want to do comedy or think you know comedy or think you can criticize comedy or think you know what the fuck's funny. But there's something about a guy being honest going, I have no idea what to do right now. And having those thoughts. It's about the honesty. And that's when I ask

the questions to people that I want to set you up for home runs. And that honesty does work. And I think that's a perfect example of that. that, you know, I want to set you up for home runs and that honesty does work. And I think that's a perfect example of that. Yeah. Tony, you saw him stand up, right? And then you set him up. You know what I mean?

What happened was, I'm sorry, but we started to believe that you were honest, honest, honest, honest. And then what happens? You do a joke and then the joke works because we're so used to you being honest that we didn't think that, you know, this is your favorite day since 9-11, like, hit hard because you set us up for honesty. And I think that's a perfect fucking example for everybody to see in a short version of what the fuck, in a weird way, sometimes comedy is.

It's a fucking trick. It's a big misdirect. And I'll tell you this. Your brother-in-law was a smart fucking guy tonight. There's something funny about you. And by the way, that's an asshole move.

I mean, you should have known that. At least he should have told you after he signed you up. We both saw you stand up. You were like, uh... It was a real hesitation. So you got balls all the way by coming up here. You had no idea that he put your name in the bucket or he told you? Not at all, Matt. Not at all.

That son of a bitch. Little brother. Wow. Well, you know what? Load up a little music for me. Let's do something fun here. Wait, wait, wait. Don't play the music yet. It's gonna be... So, you know what?

Let's do something fun. This will be an episode we remember for a while. Jacob, we're going to keep you up here. Do me a favor. Put the mic back in the mic stand. We're going to talk to you in a second. You sit right there. How about that?

You sit right there facing us. Right on that black bench. Cool. You know what? Let's have some fucking fun. People want to sign up their brother-in-laws to do stand-up comedy? Huh? People want to put people in an uncomfortable position on a live show? Well, guess what, brother-in-law?

Put your hands together for his first time going stand-up, Adam Darsha! Stop this! First things first, I'm not his brother-in-law. I'm his brother. And for all the sack taps that he's given me, just tonight, it was completely worth it. So he had it coming. I got a Tinder recently.

First things first, we know you're not looking for a middle level sales guy at a paper company? Office reference, anyone? It's not true. We know you're not looking for that guy. No, you're not. You're looking for this guy over here who works at a car dealership.

Wasn't it you? I don't remember. That's two Jack Daniels talking. And also, we don't care about your Snapchat filters. Boom. The ones with the kitten. There you go. There's Adam Darsha, everybody.

There you go. There's Adam Darsha, everybody. You don't deserve to touch your brother tonight. Let me tell you something. You get back behind that mic, Adam. So you signed him up, but you didn't sign up yourself, huh? No, I did. You did?

I did. Oh, wow. Did you sign the whole family up? There was also the blonde guy who was sitting next to him. The one that looks like one of Donald Trump's sons? If someone doused him with Saudi Arabian face acid?

Oh, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, sir. I would give you the don't kill yourself fist bump, but you're too far away. Too much talk. What? Oh, no, don't do that. Oh, boy.

Fundamental agreements that we've had. So that was your cheat code to get on stage, like sign up everyone you know. Well, I mean, you could never have guessed that I would have called you up. I mean, you probably would have thought that you would have done better than Jacob tonight. But like I ended up revealing earlier, you know, Jacob ended up just being honest, this and that, and you went into a Tinder bit like we've heard 74 of.

74 of better. I'll give it to my brother. Hold on, wait. 74 better Tinder bits we've heard. I've heard a few best man speeches, and my brother actually gave one of the best man speeches I think I've ever heard. You're married? No.

He did it for his best friend and it was very funny. Hey Tony, by the way when he was doing his comedy, I did feel like we were at a wedding. I felt like he was doing a best man speech. Is that true that he used to ball tap you a lot? You're the younger brother? Yeah. You're the younger brother.

By how many years? Two. And he really was married on 9-11. Never forget. He really was what? Married on 9-11. He was. Yes, a billionaire.

Oh, he was married on 9-11. 9-11, 2001? No. Right. That would have been... 2015, was it? That would have been fucking... Wow, you look like T.J. Miller with a head injury.

Alright. So Jacob, step back up to the microphone for a second. Yes, I like the more likable one. Yes. It is incredible. How does it feel knowing that you showed your younger brother

that you're the fucking man after all tonight? It feels pretty good. You know what? Before I let the Drescher brothers go, I'm going to let one more thing happen here. Jacob, why don't you do me a favor and give them one more ball

tap in front of everyone. There they go. The Drescher brothers, everyone. Some spontaneous shit. Up in and out. With the Drescher brothers. There's another fun little fucking bonding thing.

Yeah, let's do that. We have a regular on this show show ladies and gentlemen every single week every single episode on this show he does a brand new minute he's only been on the road with us I believe once before at the Las Vegas

Kill Tony so this is his second live appearance ever his third's gonna be Grand Rapids. His fourth's gonna be Detroit. You had him first, Lansing, Michigan. This is a brand new minute from the regular. The one, the only, Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, Lansing? All right, cool. Whenever I do gangster shit, I hit up my white friends, because they be down. My black friends always come up with some stupid excuse. I get on my home with DJ, I was like, yo, DJ, let's go rob this bank.

He was like, nah, man, my mama tripping. I can't even leave the house. I was like, DJ, you a thug thug that's gonna have curfews and I'm a white friend he agreed before I can even tell him what we about to do hey Jacob let's go rob this yeah let's go let's fucking go let's go rob this bank I bring my swords. I say I rob a bank, not trim bushes. Trim a bush with a ski mask. White people in Game of Thrones, I tell you. I don't ever hit up girls when I want to do shit.

Y'all reply when y'all want to reply. Hit up a girl. Hey, Tiffany, let's go rob this bank. Three months later, hey, what you doing? My phone died. Bitch, I just got out of jail. Fuck you. Fuck yeah.

Another one. Another brand new minute. This is a wild one for Malcolm. Stealing money from the stage. This is a fun one. It's Stealing money from the stage. This is a fun one. It's a fun, interesting position that you're in because it's always a tough job doing what he does every episode on this show. Writing a new minute every week is a very hard job. But this is the first time in which you've had to write, what,

five minutes in eight days, basically. Because we had an episode on Monday. Here we are on Thursday. New one you got to do tomorrow. And a new one in Detroit with Danny Brown. And then we're doing it again on Monday. Are you people...

How many of you that just clapped are going to that in Detroit, Michigan? Wow, look at that. That's very interesting. You guys are badasses. Jeremiah's wiping his nose with $100. How many of you, let me do a little test here. How many of you are going to Grand Rapids tomorrow? Wow, there's a few more.

Wait a second. Was that one of the Droches I just saw? Oh, Jacob's coming back. Look at that. That's the funniest possible ending to that story. Adam Drocha signed up his brother to be silly, and Jacob found his new passion for life. Jacob Drosha is one of the top young rising comedians in the world, dude.

It's my life, man. Goodbye, Tony Hinchcliffe, dude. Your career is over, bro. Hell yeah, dog. So, Malcolm, this is fun. This is your first time ever in Michigan, right? No, I came here. I told you my uncle used to live here when I was like 12, Detroit, Michigan. this is fun. This is your first time ever in Michigan, right? No, I came here. I told you my uncle used to live here when I was like 12, Detroit, Michigan.

That's right. That's right. Back when that uncle was still alive. Yeah, he died. He's dead now. Yeah, he go bye-bye. He's a corpse. I love y'all Faygo's.

There you go. That's actually. I love Faygo's. Y'all love Faygo's? I love Faygo's. Yeah. Faygo's. I love them shits.

I love it. We call them homosexual Malcolm is one of the most showmanship like people he's so good at what he does like hey you guys happen to like Faygo's it reminds me of The Rock when he was in his prime

in WWE before he was making a hundred million dollars a movie The Rock would go to any city sometimes it would be just the most garbage city. And he'd be like, Finally, The Rock has come back to Lansing, Michigan. And you'd be like, I do not believe The Rock for a fucking second.

But you definitely have those Rock energies about you, Malcolm. So you're having fun. What else is going on? I drank some coffee with Tony today. Yeah. Oh. One of Malcolm's first ever coffees. Do you like the taste of it?

I mean, coffee took me a while. With a lot of sugar. It's real good. Yeah. Chocolate milk. What else, Malcolm? You got to do some stand-up on the comedy show earlier. Oh, yeah, that was cool.

A road gig for you. We're doing a little tour. It's fun. We keep Malcolm around. We traveled with him. We flew with him. We took a red-eye flight, all of us together. Got in the big tour bus all

together. And Malcolm's... We keep Malcolm around so that if the cops come, we can point to him and go, he did it. Yeah. Yeah. And then Malcolm points at me and says, he did it. Yeah. No, I ain't gonna snitch on you.

Thank you. I love it. Well, I ain't gonna snitch on you. Thank you. I love it. Well, I mean, what else is going on? Anything else you want to talk about? Oh, I slept in the bed. Not the car, the bed. Yeah. Yeah. You got Malcolm, a real hotel

room. He got real rest here in Lansing. I didn't want to wake up. I was like, fuck that show, bro. Leave me alone. Do you have pajamas you sleep in? How do you usually sleep? On the car? No, no.

I mean like... On the bed? Well, is it different? The bed and the car? Oh, I slept in my clothes. Yeah. In the middle of the night, well, in the middle of sleeping, Malcolm goes, man, I'm hot as fuck.

I'm sleeping with jeans on. Why are you sleeping with jeans on? I thought I was in the front seat. It didn't sink in yet. Wow. I'm in the car, no. All right. I mean, Malcolm, it is just so much fun to be able to work with you.

It's goddamn inspiring watching you work as hard as you're doing. And that goes for everybody all around. It's something very special. A lot of people count on you, your goddamn inspiration, and that's a lot of responsibility, but I feel great about everything. I'm glad that you're doing it, and I'm proud of how hard you work

and that you're part of this thing. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchett, everybody! What do you guys think? Back to the bucket? this thing. There he goes. Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket? You guys selling drinks over there? If you guys want drinks, you should get one. If anybody's on the line of getting an extra drink, why not just have one? I'm paying

for it. Psych. He was a billionaire, remember? Alright, here we go. Ian Tigruterhahuis. Here he comes. Make some noise one more time for Ian T. Gruterhaus.

What's up, guys? Don't you hate it when pregnant chicks start talking about how they're eating for two? Like, are you fucking for two also? Because that seems like a three-way to me. Well, guys that have pregnancy fetishes, aren't they just like clever pedophiles? Just trying to get their dick as close as they can to something young? So yeah, I've been looking around here and seeing a lot of thirsty girls, but they're definitely not as thirsty as the one in Flint. Back when I was a kid, you used to call someone as an ass licker as an insult.

Now it's used as a pickup line for girls. Oh, man. That look back was priceless there, man. That was something else. Okay. Have you picked up a lot of girls by using the ass licker pickup line? I didn't know this was a thing. That's the opener, man.

Tony, it's nice to see a juggler without his face paint. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, no. Okay, proceed. I'm not sure what just happened here. Oh, my God. At the end of all that, you shoved a $5 bill up his nose. That was incredible.

All right. So, Ian, let's get into it. You do stand-up? First time. First time ever. Fuck yeah. First time ever. I love that.

We're popping cherries here tonight. Here you are. Ian, tell me about you. You seem like an interesting character. I feel like there's a lot going on there. I feel like there's a lot going on under this Norwegian fucking Nordic defense system that you have put up in front of you.

You have a Nordic shield. Has anyone ever told you that before? Yes. You have the Nordic shield and the man bun of a 14-year-old. I mean, is that a man bun? Asshole. Man bun?

What is that? What do we call that? A nest? What do we call that? It's called a pussy tail. Pussy tail. So, Ian, what do you do for work? I'm a web developer.

Web developer. How old are you? 24. 24. And you're from Lansing? I'm from Allendale. It's like 10 minutes away from Grand Rapids. No, it's not.

I don't know where anything is here. I don't even know where we are on a map. I could not tell you. If I got lost right now, I'm dead. I would walk straight into Lake Michigan or something like that. Are we? No, not even close. All right.

Didn't think so. So, okay, and you're 24. How long have you been doing that, what you're doing for a living, which I just forgot? Web development for about three, four years now. Three or four years. You went to college for that? I graduated a couple years ago. Okay.

I've been working. Hell yeah. So let's get into it. Joel said that you seem like a juggalo. I agree. I think we're about to find out that there's something going on here. If it's not a juggalo, I'm thinking maybe you're at least a huge, what, like, slipknot

guy or something? Oh, yeah. Huge monologue. Huge. Yep. You seen them live? Two times, yeah. Two times. Yeah. What other creepy shit are you into? You ever jerk off while being hung from hooks in the air?

No, I have not tried that. No? No. Jesus, even I've tried that. My god. Okay, what's the craziest thing you've ever done? Because you look like you're intense. That's what's always funny to me. It's the guys that look like they're intense. You're like, what's the craziest thing you've

ever done? They're like, oh, my taxes. Yeah. If you see a normal guy with like glasses and a fucking tie and a shirt he's like you're like what's the craziest thing you've ever done he's like fucking get away with murder i got fucked by my uncle it's always never what you expected so let's do it craziest thing you've ever done mr pussy tail uh whitewater rafting west virginia it's actually a good answer. It's one of the craziest things I've ever done.

I actually went whitewater rafting in West Virginia before. A place called the Cheat River. How about you? You look like L. Ron Hubbard's daughter. Wow. I said it. I don't care.

Say your last name for me. T. Grotenhuis. T. Grotenhuis. Yep. T. Grotenhuis. Yep. Ian T. Grotenhuis. Ian T. Grotenhuis.

Good day to meet you. Ian. Ian T. Grotenhuis. If I were to say your name right, that's how I'd say it, right? Yeah. If I was doing a classroom student role, I'd be like, Ian T. Grotenhuis, like that. And you'd be like, that's me. And I'd be like, Ian T. Grotenheis. Like that. And you'd be like, that's me.

And I'd be like, holy shit. Ian T. Grotenheis. Your name sounds like a foot fungal disease. It sounds like he's from the Shire. I have a question. Your haircut. Why?

Have you ever seen the show The Vikings? Have you ever seen Vikings? I have a question. Your haircut. Why? Have you ever seen the show The Vikings? Yeah. Have you ever seen Vikings? Yeah. Were you in it? No. Then why?

I like it. You like Vikings? I like the show. I like the Ragnar. What's the most Viking-like thing you've ever done? What do you do? You ever shovel snow? We're in Michigan. Of course I shovel snow.

I don't know why I think... My mic seems like it went down. Right? I don't know why I picture you shoveling snow. Do you shovel snow? Of course. We're in Michigan, so yes. Yes.

Perfect. Oh, sorry. We don't live here. Wow. All right. All right, Ian. You in love? You have a wife? Girlfriend? No, single. She's dead now. Yep Ian You in love? You have a wife?

Girlfriend? No, single She's dead now Yep You're single? Yep How long you been single for? Four or five years

Did you just fart? No Wow So you've been craft single for five years Wow Okay, I'm bombing in Lansing I love it Uh-oh. Watch out.

Fun fact for you. We're going to break this news right now. You guys like breaking news? You like announcements on Kill Tony that only happened in Lansing? Multiple breakthrough things in one episode in one night?

Then I'm going to break some news right now we came up with an agreement yesterday a funny thing that made us all laugh the four of us cast members and Malcolm is that the next time Joel Berg goes on a run in which he gets 10 non Joel Berg

jokes in a row you know what we've known as cold Berg as of late. Sometimes he'll go on a streak of things that don't work. He's in one right now. He might be three or four in. What would you say? Oh, you're going to say one? I think at least three. Okay.

I'll do three. Alright. He's at three right now. He is at three Koldberg. We made an agreement that if he comes in ever with ten in a row, ten in a row, 10 in a row, joke's not working, then he has to get a tattoo live on stage. Oh, yeah. Looks like I'm getting tattooed when I get back home. Just a little something to keep an eye on.

So he's a three right now. We're saying three. So it could happen the day after. We thought maybe months, years down the road. Definitely not happening. Who knows? It'll make the Joelberg that much cooler if it happens, when it happens. Or we could be ten in a row.

Now the crowd sort of has a reason not to Joelberg you. Or to do it. I mean, well, yeah, whatever. Fuck you guys. One could almost say that that's four right there. Okay, anti-Gruttenhaus. So, why do you think it's been so long

since you've been in love? If you had to guess. He kept sticking his girlfriends in lockers. Is that true? No. Why do you think it is? It's probably because I'm not over my ex. Probably because what? Not over my ex. Ah, you're still in love

with her, huh? Princess Fiona. Now let me tell you something. Let's talk about this a little bit. There you go. Clean slate. What's your ex's name? What's his name? Clean slate for Joelberg. So let's talk about this for a minute because, you know, heartbreak is

a real thing. And you asked me at 24, you know, I mean, I don't know. Maybe I still wasn't over my first gigantic breakup. Maybe. No, I guess I was 24. You keep trying to push that gay joke. You're trying to shoehorn it in. Everybody can smell it from a mile away. So how long ago was this breakup?

About five years ago. Five years ago. Yeah. Right. And, uh, it just, it was your first true love. Yeah. And you guys were together through high school basically. Nope.

Met in college. Met in college. How long were you together? You went to college? How long were you together? Uh, VCR repair. How long were you together? About a year and a half. About a year and a half.

About a year and a half. Yeah. Huh. Is she like a goth chick? She's like jet black hair? No, she's actually pretty much the opposite. Really? Wow, she had it all together, and that's why you find yourself rebelling and doing these things,

cutting your hair down to the pussy tail and whatnot. Oh, yeah. It's because you're trying to distance yourself psychologically from the heartbreak that you connect with and that you look at as love because it's the only thing that you ever loved. So you try to go away from that every chance you get. Where she would wear

light blue or light green, you wear black and camouflage. And where she's a sunshine, you're a sunset. You look at yourself on a different perspective, on a different spectrum in order to push it away because you can't possibly relate because everything just brings it back to her, right?

Pretty much, yeah. We have another winner. You got it right, man. That's right. Thank you. You still have her phone number? Oh, no. Are you sure you don't? Yeah I'm positive Because I'm pretty sure that if we called her

We could get this shit back together Does anybody else have his ex-girlfriend's phone number? Yeah The wetest pussy, right? Well, I mean, here you are, dude. You're only 24. You're trying comedy. You're having fun. You're kicking butt. You're being

honest. You're facing your fears. You're facing your truths. You're being honest during the interview portion. Honesty goes a fucking long way, as you met from that 20-year-old scumbag that we hung out with earlier you know the fucking liar liar over there you're the opposite

you know at the end of the day that guy seems like he'd be the likable young Fred Savage type and that you'd be the asshole but in all reality you're the fucking likable guy and he's a piece of shit you know what I mean by the way these two guys are the reason I have a

drum kit tonight. Whoa, really? Yeah, Mason Bruce and Ian Tegrutenheiss. There you go. Thank you so much. Well, that's good energy coming all the way around. There he goes, Ian Tegrutenheiss, everybody.

Come on, it's his first time ever on stage. He let Joel borrow his drums. What do you guys think? We can only go to the bucket one more time. Should we do it? I don't know. You guys didn't really make enough

noise. I don't know. All right. We want to thank the amazing people. Josh, Justin, Matt, Scott, fucking everybody here at the amazing The Loft. We had some great pizza today from... What was that

place? Home Pizza? Yeah, sure. Home Pizza? It was good. I don't know who it was. What was that called? I think I'm getting tattooed soon. That's all I can think about. Yeah. Alright, here we go. Your last comedian of the night. You guys ready to put this shit to a close

Lansing? 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Nick Langan. Here he comes. Here he comes. I got an idea for a movie. It's about Barack Obama

starring The Rock. It's called Barack Obama. Think about it. They look alike. Same cheeks. He starts out. He plays college football in Miami. He goes to Washington D.C. as a senator.

Meets Vince McMahon, becomes a wrestler. Becomes an actor, sees Donald Trump as president, runs for president, Barack Obama as president. Barack Obama. Timeline's messed up. Sort of like Fight Club. It's different. There you go.

Alright. Interesting approach. Couple movie pitches. All right. Interesting approach. Couple movie pitches. Hi, Nick. How's it going? Hi. How old are you? 25.

What do you do for work? I'm assistant manager at a gas station. What's your favorite food? Pizza. What gas station? Marathon. Here in Lansing? No.

Where? Alma, north of here. North of here. Wow, you're trying to get away. All right, there we go. How many minutes? Could we get the sound effects to be louder, please? Yes.

Finding out what the actual volume of this rock and roll venue could have been the entire night. So Nick, let's talk about it. Some interesting things. Is this your first time doing stand-up? Of course. Perfect. First time ever. There you go. Nick Langan. So how

is this something you've always wanted to do? I've always been a fan of. I've always appreciated it. I watched Comedy Central when I was young. I got on TV. Yeah, now look at them now. Look at them now. Futurama.

I just saw they're premiering BoJack Horseman. It's like you can't say you're premiering BoJack Horseman Comedy Central. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, what am I doing? Burning bridges on the Lansing episode? I mean, they used to be a fucking... Anyway.

I have a Futurama tattoo. I accidentally had the station because of South Park. They were doing a South Park marathon today. So I'm in and out of naps today here in Lansing. Just fucking waking up, laughing, falling right back asleep again. So I'm in and out of naps today here in Lansing. Just fucking waking up, laughing, falling right back asleep again. And I see in the

corner coming up BoJack Horseman. They didn't even... Alright, forget it. What? It's Inside Baseball. It's not their show. They're now buying other networks' shows. That's what they've had to stoop to. That's a big deal in the television world, if you know anything. Sort of sucks because anyway, it doesn't matter.

Anybody do tattoos here? Because I'm about to bomb for the next seven jokes. No? Hey, that's one right there, ladies and gentlemen. We're nine away from a new tattoo right now. We're at four. We're at four. I'll do it.

I don't care. I'll pee in your ass. No, it's got to be in a row. It's about the streak. Thank you. It's not care. It's got to be in a row. It's about the streak. It's not ten. It's got to be ten in a row. Or else you're just going to be covered in tattoos by Saturday. I'm ready.

I'll get the death squad cat. Alright, Nick. Most interesting thing about you. Hit me with it right now, real quick. Don't hesitate. I've done a lot of drugs. And I on. Your posture. I've done a lot of drugs. What? And I have bad posture. I've done a lot of drugs. Come on.

Better than I've done drugs. Come on. Give us a... We've all done drugs, Nick. Come on. Look, we're Kill Tony fans. We've done drugs. Duh, idiot. There's a lot of people on Pepto-Bismol right now. Yeah, we few stomach issues

Something else Second most interesting thing about Nick You know how to train fucking geese To climb up a water slide upside down What? What the fuck? You seem like you like snakes That's a good point

Do you have a snake? I'm actually terrified of snakes Do you have a gerbil? Nope Do you have a hamster?'m actually terrified of snakes. Do you have a gerbil? Do you have a hamster? I have a daughter, that's it. That's the worst one! I can't believe you call your snake your daughter.

Nick, I'm going to be honest with you. You got your first time out. It was at the very end of the show. You knocked it out, but we had to move on quick because we had to do something special. There he goes, Nick Langan, everybody. Thank you. Now, I noticed

that was going to be the last comedian of the night, but I noticed that we did not have any females picked out of the bucket tonight. It's one of those things to where I didn't know. I mean, I don't know. I didn't go through the names exactly.

Did more than one woman sign up tonight? Did any women sign up tonight at all? Clap your hands. Everybody stop making noise. This would be a shut-up audience. This would be a part where that's important. If you're in the audience and you're a woman and you signed up or someone signed up for you, your name, and you know about it,

then clap your hands. There's just one person? Did you sign up or are you just clapping your hands? Oh, you're just clapping your hands. So you signed up? What's your name? Sammy what? Sammy McGrory? McGrory? Well, guess what, Sammy? Since we didn't have a lady on, you get to close the show tonight.

Put your hands together for Sammy McGrory! I love being a woman. Yes. You guys, I grew up Irish Catholic. It's a peculiar religion to raise your child. They ask you to confess your sins every week, but then they expect you to confess your sins every week, but then they expect you to confess new sins every week. So they're asking you to go out and commit brand new sins every week, which as a child, I found confusing because I'm not going to lose to myself.

What I'm saying is when I was younger, I turned an altar boy into an altar man in a church confessional booth. I just thought if I was going to be screaming, oh God, oh God, I want to make sure he could hear me for sure. That was the place to do it. I'm not a heathen, though. I did the sign of the cross before I left

to wipe the jizz off my forehead, chest, and both my shoulder bones. There you go. Booyah. Was it Amy McCrory? Sammy. Sammy McCrory. Fuck yeah. You been doing stand-. Sammy McCrory. Fuck yeah. You've been doing stand-up a while?

Three years, yeah. Three years. Where at? Kalamazoo, Michigan. Hell yeah. So there's a little scene down there in Kalamazoo, huh? It's good. It's nice.

It's five open mics a week. Fuck yeah. That's enough to fucking get by for sure. Is that where you live, Kalamazoo? Kalamazoo, yep. What do you do for work? I work at a company called Mophie. We make cell phone accessories.

I love Mophie. Yeah. Mophie loves you, man. Wow. What kind of cell phone accessories? Obviously like butt vibrators or something. The kind that you buy and then the part where you plug it in starts going bad. Yeah, that's what I do. I do the warranties you plug it in starts going bad in a week.

Yeah, that's what I do. I do the warranties. When they all fuck up, you call me. You're a very busy woman, I bet. Yes, $40 a week. The connection always goes bad. Are there a lot of ladies in the scene in the Kalamazoo comedy scene? There are not, no.

Is it just you? We had a couple of ladies, but they don't come out super often I host an open mic So I'm there And then sometimes there's new ladies And then they stop coming And then You have a boyfriend

Do a lot of the male comedians Try to hook up with you at those open mics For those of you that don't know Comedians love trying to fuck each other It's a whole thing because you can relate to a comedian. Gatorade? That dude that was up here. Cody Holdridge

is my boyfriend. Whoa! Wow! Damn, what a twist. He smokes tobacco out of your Gatorade bottle. Holy shit. Yeah, where is he? I need another hit. Damn.

Honestly, you are the funniest Russian doll we've ever had. Solberg. Solberg. I gotta give it to him. That's great. You are adorable. She's the middle one. She's much better than that.

I don't know what kind of roast jokes these guys are trying to make around me. Definitely Russian nesting doll is not the worst I've ever gotten. As far as roast jokes go. What is the worst you've ever gotten? My hair is blue a lot. A lot of people call me a faggot. Oh, yeah. Not me. That's usually how their big jokes end.

It's like some fake setup and then they're all like... Faggot. And the place goes crazy because they think I'm a faggot, too. It's a whole weird thing. Have you ever been bullied into getting tattooed by your friends?

Can I choose the spot he gets tattooed? What would you choose? You're the one. By the way, before anyone ever thinks that I'm... By the way, just for the sake of getting it out there, maybe I'm revealing too much behind the curtain, I never said you have to get a tattoo. This was your suggestion.

A kind of wild one, yeah. He wants a tattoo. Jeremiah said that he wants to wax his giant bush of pubes. And they all like dressing up as women, by the way. I would like to say right here and right now that Tony forces us to do everything and

underpays us the whole time. That's a lot. Why? We think billionaires look like this because we're the farthest thing from it. That's twisting the story. Me and Tony are the straight ones.

Wow, Brian. Red Van is about to get a tattoo tonight. Yeah. Luckily, we don't keep batting averages over our heads or anything on this show. Luckily, we don't keep batting averages over our heads or anything on this show. Luckily, we don't. Yeah, luckily. What do I have, four tonight?

Anyway, what was the worst roast joke you had said about you that we were saying? Oh, that I don't have to go down far to get on my knees to suck off a Smurf. Wow, that's not that harsh. I would have said that you look like every edited out scene of a Tim Burton film. I would have said she looks like

Edgar Allan Poe's Wet Dream. I would have said that you look like the girl from Willy Wonka that turned into a blueberry after she fixed her life up after that. I would say that you just look like a very nice person. That's coming from a person who said that little kids

are miniature fleshlights earlier. So you know his judgment is very good with people. I love your style, Sammy McCrory. What's it like teaching at the School of Rock? I substitute there, actually. Wow. Jack Black is a substitute.

I love it. I didn't realize that they... Jesus Christ. Anyway, I enjoyed your set even though it was very sacrilegious. Anyway, Sammy McCrory, I'm going to tell you this. Not only were you one of the funniest ladies that we've had on tonight,

but you're also one of the funniest love seats that we've ever had on this show. No. Come on, guys. She's laughing. She's a comedian. She's been doing it years, you fucking pussies. Her jean jacket hates her.

Sammy, I'm gonna tell you this. Keep doing what you're doing. Oh, yes. Billionaire Jeremiah? I was gonna say, keep making fun of her, and she won't give you her employee discount at Hot Topic. I actually managed a Hot Topic for six years. Whoa! And there you go.

That's Sammy McCrory. Fuck yeah. Keep doing what you're doing, dude. That's how you get good at something. Sammy McCrory working her way out of fucking Kalamazoo. I promise you that. Sammy McCrory and Magruden Ice. We did it.

That's a big, long show. Almost two hours long for you, Lansing. Multiple announcements, multiple fun things. Make some noise for the billionaires. Jeremiah has an amazing podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. He's Jeremiah's stand-up on so many things. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry. Anything else, guys?

Yes, we'll be releasing the first music video from the debut Reagan and Watkins album on Monday. Very excited about that. And after the show, I will be having various T-shirts and things available for purchase. Inflatable saxophones by any chance? And after the show, I will be having various T-shirts and things for the birdies. Inflatable saxophones by any chance? There are little saxophone whistles, but they were out of stock.

Oh, the inflatable saxophones. Can't bring them if they don't sell them to me. He wrote a letter, I bet. me. He wrote a letter. I bet he wrote a letter. Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Come on. Say something. That's him in the flesh.

I love you guys. Thanks for coming out. Malcolm, are you up here? Why don't you come take a bow? Is Malcolm Hatchett here? Get your ass up here. Get your fucking... Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. Come on.

Goddamn. Say on. God damn. Say something. What's your Instagram? What's your Twitter? What the hell is it? I never even know. Oh, I'm on Instagram. Malcolm H12. Where the faggots at? Oh, yeah. We'll be

wherever they stable us up. If you guys want to high five shake hands take a picture give us a little 15 20 second spiel of your own uh on your way out uh we'll be funneled around somewhere uh swansea massachusetts uh san francisco uh california for those of you listening from those areas. That's a really big deal. And finally, Lansing, Michigan. I mean, unbelievable night. I mean, truly, truly one of my favorite shows we've ever done on the road.

I'll bet you make some noise for the great Brian Redman. See you guys later. Bye, Lansing. We love you. Thank you. O-H. Out. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.