KILL TONY - KILL TONY #295 (DETROIT)

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Danny Brown, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett - Date: 09/22/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...

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Starting point is 00:00:23 Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony check out our website death squad dot tv there you have all the past episodes of kill tony and if you click on tour dates you can come see us live not only do we do the comedy store every monday eight o'clock but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two
Starting point is 00:00:51 shows. It's going to be two separate shows, and it's going to be our 300th episode. So check out Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company. Also, we're going to be in Swansea, Massachusetts, San Antonio, Texas, Austin, Texas, Houston, Texas, Fort Worth, Texas. And a bunch of new dates are always being added.
Starting point is 00:01:10 So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, check out RyanJEbelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode. RyanJEbelt.com. Tony has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com
Starting point is 00:01:29 And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv That's where you can get the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to ShopSquad.tv And now, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:01:55 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Motor City Comedy Festival in Detroit, Michigan for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's class. Detroit, make some fucking noise! We are here at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody. Hey, what's up?
Starting point is 00:02:28 All right, all right, all right. Brian's here. This is our first time ever doing a Kill Tony in Detroit, Michigan. How fucking exciting is this? And our guest tonight is Detroit's very own Danny Brown. We are right in. Beautiful, like bread and butter. How sweet it is to be loved by you.
Starting point is 00:02:54 The great Danny Brown is here live in Detroit for his first time ever on the panel. Yeah, Jake! That's how we do it. Just rock and roll. We're catching up fast. We're starting so late. This is how we do it in the pros.
Starting point is 00:03:12 Danny, I'm excited to have you on the show. I'm excited to be here, too. How y'all motherfuckers doing? Like, I ain't covering 15 minutes away. Y'all motherfuckers my family. Y'all know what's up. Danny is not only one of the greatest and funniest rappers, but quite the comedy connoisseur.
Starting point is 00:03:36 Yeah. Yeah. I will say that. Have a high taste. Hell yeah. Always at the comedy store. Yeah, I'm always at the comedy store. Tracked me down, watched me do an hour plus
Starting point is 00:03:48 in Austin, Texas before. Remember that before you did a concert with Run the Jewels? It's one of the highlights of my life. You probably don't even remember that. No, it was great. It was great. Because I still remember the bit about the sloppy toppy. It sticks in my head. Wait, I had that? The sloppy toppy bit
Starting point is 00:04:03 sticks in my head because it's like, that's how I want to live life every day in my life. That did happen right after that. Fuck Folgers, the best way to wake up is sloppy toppy in your cup. Sloppy toppy. And that's what's crazy is that I ended up finding out later that it is actually called sloppy toppy. Yeah. What else you gonna call it?
Starting point is 00:04:27 She called it just Slop Top. Honestly, it scared me a little bit because I realized this chick... That was millennial swag. You know what I'm saying? If you go back in the 80s, they just call it Crackhead Head. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:04:45 Because only crack heads just spit everywhere on your dick like that. It wasn't formal in the 80s to just be slobbing on dicks like that. They called it crack head. But now in the 2000s when you grew up with a fucking computer next to your bed,
Starting point is 00:05:01 you know, bitches watch weird shit. So these young millennial bitches, they just spit on the dick like crazy. You know, bitches watch weird shit. So these young millennial bitches, they just spit on the dick like crazy. You know what I'm saying? But back then, I was crackhead head. They just was trying to get hydrated. Heroin. They was trying to bring it back.
Starting point is 00:05:19 You know what I'm saying? So, but, bubbles and shit, you know? That was crackheads. shit, you know. That was the crackheads. I'm not saying I know. I don't know about. I'm just saying that's what I heard. By the way, we have had probably. I don't know if I just heard that. We probably had as guests on this show, Danny,
Starting point is 00:05:37 probably the top 100 comedians in the world, yet I don't think a show has ever started quite as funny as crackheadhead. Yes. Crackheadhead, I. Crackheadhead. I mean, hey, man. You gotta check it and respect it. You live it or you don't do it. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:05:56 Detroit Danny Brown is our guest tonight. Every single episode of this show, as well as having a guest on, we also have a band, ladies and gentlemen. Every episode, they become different characters. I never know what they're going to be. Sometimes they bring back some of the classic characters
Starting point is 00:06:19 from the past. For example, last night in Grand Rapids, we had the return of, we haven't seen them for a long time, the Cat Burglars were here. And the night before that, they were billionaires for the first time ever. And those, I mean, every episode, it truly is unbelievable how well these guys commit to their characters and make jokes through their characters. They truly become them. This week's no different. I have no idea what they're going to be.
Starting point is 00:06:43 They always go to a different room and start changing 20 minutes before the show. Yeah, they suck each other off, according to Red Band. Yes. And so here they are. Let's find out what they are live for the first time ever in Detroit. It's the best damn band in the land.
Starting point is 00:07:04 It is the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. What will they be tonight? It appears as though... Whoa! That's what I think Jeremiah is in my head. Wow! Real nerds. That's what I think Jeremiah is in my head. Wow.
Starting point is 00:07:26 Real nerds. They have suspenders, high-waisted pants, glasses with tape. Wow. Look at this. Oh, my God. Definitely Jeremiah is a nerd. Is this true? Precisely.
Starting point is 00:07:40 Is this true? Precisely. And, wow, clearly back here we have, from the movie The Jinx, Robert Durst is here, everybody. Excellent reference, Tony. What kind of vegetables are those? Those are not vegetables. Those are vegetables. It's a leafy substance, though, that Danny is.
Starting point is 00:08:09 Broccoli. Wow. So, well, nerds, you guys, you guys, first time ever at a live stand-up comedy show? You better believe it. Wow. We've never had, am I correct? We've never had nerds on?
Starting point is 00:08:26 Oh, we've been on before, but we're very forgettable. It's okay. It's been a long time since we've had the nerds on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, Joelberg, you're breathing pretty heavy for this. I'm hyperventilating. All right.
Starting point is 00:08:44 Well, let's just jump right into the show. The band is here. We have this bucket. Look for this. I'm hyperventilating. Alright, well, let's just jump right into the show. The band is here. We have this bucket. Look at this. Detroit's so fucking cool that they thought ahead, got a real jack-o'-lantern in honor of the purple jack-o'-lantern that we use on the show at the Comedy Store, Ichabod's
Starting point is 00:08:59 Bucket of Destiny, given to us by the always interesting character Ichabod that lives in Las Vegas. And we have this jack-o'-lantern tonight filled with the names. I mean, there are a fucking shit ton of names in here. And if I pull the name out, they get 60 seconds of stage time. Maybe it's their first time ever trying stand-up comedy. Maybe it's a local talent trying to make it and make friends with Danny Brown or some crazy shit like that. Who knows what's possible?
Starting point is 00:09:29 What are friends? If I pull your name. I mean, I don't know what that's going to do. I don't think being friends with me is going to work out in Detroit. You know what I'm saying? Might just get you one way ticket to the county jail. Frank Murphy. That's about all I can do for you, you know?
Starting point is 00:09:47 If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then we interview you afterwards, try to find out more about your real life, what makes you different and special. You guys ready to start this shit? It is the first ever... Remember, when I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds.
Starting point is 00:10:05 You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out the angry Detroit 8-mile bear. Wow. Here we go. My hand's in the bucket. How many of you want to see a comedian do good tonight? How many of you want to see a comedian do bad tonight?
Starting point is 00:10:35 It's a hateful audience. Lansing's must be the safest place to live, I guess. All right. All right. place to live, I guess. Alright. The bucket has spoken, and your first person doing 60 seconds uninterrupted tonight goes by the name
Starting point is 00:10:52 of Brett Hayden, everyone! Come on! Here he is. I'm Tony, two weeks into chemo. How are you guys? You see it too? Fuck you guys. All right.
Starting point is 00:11:18 It's almost winter. I'm not excited about it because I'm a skinny guy. I don't thrive in the cold weather. It sucks too because I have a skinny guy. I don't thrive in the cold weather. It sucks too because I have a hard time gaining weight, which I've learned is the least sympathetic problem one can have. You tell people you have a hard time gaining weight, they look at you like you just said, I have too much sex and money. Like it's hard to be relatable to human beings when you say things like my skinny jeans are getting too big.
Starting point is 00:11:47 The reason I'm so skinny is because I exercise too much. That's not me bragging. I'm an anxious pacer. When my anxiety gets really bad, I start walking around and I can't stop. That's why I think anxious pacers, we should have our own Fitbits. Right? When you reach 1,000 steps, it would just ask you if you're okay. Thanks, guys. All right. there you go brad hayden uh first of all why only two weeks in chemo uh i mean i think you could have added a little bit
Starting point is 00:12:21 longer maybe anyway i feel like the sad part is that I feel like your face is actually a little bit fuller than mine. And I feel like we all notice it. It sort of hurts me because I feel like I look like Tony two weeks out of chemo. He's smoking weed, I'm telling. Tony, Tony, the Home Alone kid looks awful. Brett, we've had you on this show before. Yeah, Fort Wayne. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Where you from, man? I'm from Lansing. Oh, shit. Tight. Okay. Go green? Wow. I mean, yeah, I'm a Wolverine fan, too, so fuck that nigga.
Starting point is 00:13:10 But I ain't gonna lie. That was tight. I like you. You cool. You know what I'm saying? I told this nigga. Let me just say real quick. I told this nigga.
Starting point is 00:13:18 Hey, hold up. I told this nigga. He got me up here, so I'm biased all night. Anybody that come up here on the state in Michigan, you know what I'm saying? I can't be on no ho shit, and I got to fuck up my people from the hometown, you know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:13:30 But I told him, next time he got me in L.A., if I'm at the store, I'm going to be hoing niggas. So I love you, you know what I'm saying? Thank you. For you white people in the audience, what Danny just said was he's going to be nice to people tonight because he's here in his hometown, and Danny just said was he's gonna be nice to people tonight because he's here in his hometown and
Starting point is 00:13:47 when he goes to LA, he's going to be mean as a motherfucker. Extra! I'm turning it up. You know what I'm saying? I feel like they set me up for this shit. Hey, I can't tell a nigga he suck and then I gotta stand in the line with him for motherfucking
Starting point is 00:14:04 groceries tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? We here together, man then I gotta, you know, stand in the line with him for motherfucking groceries tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? We here together, man. We gotta check in with nerd Jeremiah. If Danny calls me the N-word tonight, it'll be the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. Oh, you mean Nazi? Speaking of Nazi, let's get back to Brett Hayden up here.
Starting point is 00:14:27 He's just getting away with murder. This fucking guy. I mean, he looks like he's straight off the fucking whatever. Yeah, you tight, cub. You ain't got to worry about us. You got your own thing going on, man. Fuck these niggas, man. Hop on the motherfucking bus.
Starting point is 00:14:41 Get this shit rocking, man. Fuck this shit, man. Hell yeah. That's exactly what I was just gonna say. You ain't got to worry about this shit, man. We in hell tramming, man. This is where you buy poochkies, man. This ain't no joke. See, you ain't know that.
Starting point is 00:15:01 This is where the poochkies at. Where are my poochkies at? I have no idea. I have no idea what you're saying. I love it, that. This is where the poochies at. Where are my poochies at? I have no idea what you're saying. I love it, though. As long as the crowd goes crazy, I don't know. You ever had a poochie? No, what is that? You don't know what a poochie is?
Starting point is 00:15:13 What the fuck, Tony? I thought I knew you. What is it? Hey, Michigan, Detroit, we up in here, right? This nigga don't know what a poonski is. What the fuck? Where is the nerd slapping at me? I don't even know what a poonski is.
Starting point is 00:15:35 You don't even know what he's saying? I ain't gonna lie, I don't really know what too much of it is like that. I'm a nigga too. But it's like a donut. Like a donut. Okay. It's like some like a donut. Like a donut. Okay. It's like some type of donut.
Starting point is 00:15:51 What makes it different than a donut? It survived the Holocaust. It's a real one. It's a real shit right there. Like Hitler couldn't even hate on it. He hit that motherfucker one time like, fuck it, man. Niggas made the poochkis, let them rock. That's how you know we got a couple Jews out here in Michigan holding down Hamtramck.
Starting point is 00:16:25 Them niggas, Hitler said, they made the poochkis. Let them rock. And that's how you got Hamtramck, Detroit. Why you, look, we got ISIS chilling with us every day. Brad, have you ever had a poochki before? I ate one today, yeah. Yeah, see? Look!
Starting point is 00:16:43 Wow. Keep the Nazis off him. That's like Nazi repellent. I'm Poonski today, keep the Nazis away. Oh, God. All right. Brad, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About five years.
Starting point is 00:17:00 How long? About five years. And do you have a job? Right now, I'm just doing stand-up. Good job. Thank you. What do you like to do for fun? What I like to do for fun?
Starting point is 00:17:13 Huge wrestling fan. What else? Besides that, not much. Do you really have cancer? Did I really? No. Wow. Can't be joking about shit like that, man.
Starting point is 00:17:26 I respect it. Anything for a laugh? We in Michigan. You got to do what you got to do. No, I agree. You just ate a poonski today. Niggas ain't eating poonskis every day, man. You got to do what you got to do, man.
Starting point is 00:17:42 That's like real Holocaust, like back in the day shit. Living off one poonski a day. That's real comedy shit, like back in the day shit. Living off one poonski a day. That's real comedy shit, man. I've learned a lot. My three days in Michigan, I've learned a lot. Yeah. And, you know, a lot of people might forget that Brian and I are both proud, proud Ohioans. And it is so much fun. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:58 And visit a bunch of losers. That's right. Year after year. Twice a year I have to deal with those dirty Spartans and those loser Wolverines. Hail to the big... Yeah. I get back on a plane to Los Angeles tomorrow, back to where winners are. I guess so, because you lived in Ohio.
Starting point is 00:18:35 I would get the fuck up on that motherfucker too. Hell to the victors. Oh, come on. Hell to the victors. I haven't heard that song in like nine years. I mean, but you. Nine. I still got to respect it.
Starting point is 00:18:51 I mean, you got to respect it and check it. There's a really angry guy in a Wolverines jersey in the middle of the crowd right now. He's losing his mind. It might be Jim Harbaugh, by the way. Might be. I just know it's one... I've been all around the world. You know, as me being do what I do,
Starting point is 00:19:11 I hang out, I chill. I've been everywhere. I've been to motherfucking Zimbabwe. They got a motherfucking mural of me painted on the wall with my tongue out. Hold on, nerd chair. But when I go to Ohio, my skin crawl.
Starting point is 00:19:29 I just don't like that shit. It ain't nothing cool to do. They just be, I just don't like that shit. Excuse me, sir. You're being very impolite right now. I gotta stick up for myself, okay? Go blue. I feel bad. What I was Go blue. I feel bad. What I was gonna say is I feel bad for this comedian on stage
Starting point is 00:19:49 because he knows what it's like to be invisible too now. I mean, that is what ends up happening when you're... Nah, he tight. We fuck with cuz. He from the D. You know what I'm saying? We fuck with cuz. I mean, he from Lansing.
Starting point is 00:20:05 I'm 90 minutes from Detroit. Yeah. You got good water up there. We do. All right. We're going to keep rolling along. There goes Brett Hayden, everybody. Thanks, guys.
Starting point is 00:20:14 Your first comedian of the night. Time to get somebody else out of this bucket. There's so many names. One more time for that young stage hand who just did stand up. All right. Getting a lady up here. Let's do it. Make some noise for Alyssa Alduki.
Starting point is 00:20:33 Alyssa Alduki. Alyssa Alduki. Oh, is she coming? Alyssa Alduki. Oh, is she coming? Alyssa. Do we have our first blacklisted? Wow. Blacklisted. Oh, she's right here.
Starting point is 00:20:55 Now she's making it. She's sprinting. Yeah. Here she is. Oh, shit. Ew. Hey, how you guys doing? What's up? Yes she is. Oh shit. Eww. Hey, how you guys doing? What's up? Oh shit.
Starting point is 00:21:12 Hey, what's up? So, I thought I was gaining weight recently because of my drinking. Turns out it's because of my favorite drinking game. It's called, Now What Do I Eat? it's because of my favorite drinking game. It's called, Now What Do I Eat? Usually the answer is chicken fingers and mozzarella sticks. I like to call it diner charcuterie.
Starting point is 00:21:39 Try it. Walk in, they'll be like, all of the meat and cheese plate. They'll say, what? You say, you know what I mean. I answered the door in my fuzzy pink bathrobe and skiing penguin pajamas. And the cute delivery guy said, well, gee, you didn't have to get all dressed up for me. And I said, I just ordered four pieces of cake
Starting point is 00:22:03 on the internet. Pretty sure there's no dress code, dickhead. And if there was one, wouldn't this be it? There you go, Alyssa Alduki. There you go, thatssa Alduki. There you go. That's some real material there. You do look like you love eating. I do.
Starting point is 00:22:32 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm kind of conflicted. I was going to say pussy, but... I'm mad conflicted. Tony, I didn't know Morrissey was so funny. Hi, Alyssa. Welcome to the show. This is your first time ever on, right?
Starting point is 00:22:48 It is. How's it going? How long have you been on stand-up? Four years. Oh, where at? Four years, Philadelphia. Oh. You're as thick as hell, though.
Starting point is 00:22:57 What's that? You're as thick as hell, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I...
Starting point is 00:23:08 Tony. Oh, shit. Pierre, Pierre, Pierre. Like a full oatmeal, you know what I'm saying? There's no Me Too movement on the Kill Tony show at all. We do not acknowledge it whatsoever. Look at Nerd Jeremiah over there. I think someone just had an accident in his pants.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Tony. Tony, I think we figured out where all that cake went. Wow. Alyssa. Alduki. What is that last name? What is Alduki? What ethnicity is that?
Starting point is 00:23:41 Middle Eastern. I'm from Kuwait. Oh. Wow. Yeah. What's Kuwait known for? What's their specialty other than sand. I'm from Kuwait. Ah. Wow. Yeah. What's Kuwait known for? What's their specialty other than sand? Swarm.
Starting point is 00:23:48 Sand. Sand. Oil. You look like you're Kuwaiting to exhale. That's because I had to fucking run up here. I'm out of breath, Chip. Were you born in America? Yes, I was. In Philly? I was born in D. here. I'm out of breath, Chip. Were you born in America? Yes, I was.
Starting point is 00:24:05 In Philly? I was born in D.C. Okay. My mom's American. All right. And your dad's super Kuwaiti? Super Kuwaiti. What does he think about you doing stand-up for four years?
Starting point is 00:24:16 He likes it. Why do you do this to our family name? You already have... You want to be funny? Just tell people our last name it is Alduki it really is a L D o okay I eat chai I mean that is truly that probably was like your first joke right it is thank you my very first dookie like shit on stage like something like that that's exactly what it is. And she ain't thick as hell, though.
Starting point is 00:24:47 I remember that. And by thick as hell, he means you have a thick brain. Am I right? I mean, that was the first joke. Yeah. Yeah, as far as he's thick. No, you're right. I liked it.
Starting point is 00:25:03 Hell yeah. So, I'm with it. Thank you. He's with it. Hell yeah. So I'm with it. Thank you. He's lit it. Five stars. Alyssa, you are very stunning. You have a lot of, how long have you been in? You thick as a motherfucker, girl. How long have you been in?
Starting point is 00:25:17 I've been thick as a motherfucker my whole life. Thank you. Alyssa, how long have you been in Detroit? I've been in Detroit since Wednesday evening. Wednesday evening. How many times have you been? So she heard that enough. You thinking of motherfucker, girl.
Starting point is 00:25:30 How many times have you heard that? I've been in Detroit for like three hours, and I've already heard you called thick seven times. How many times have you heard it? Since getting here? Yeah. Only this evening. Oh.
Starting point is 00:25:45 Detroit, what's wrong with you? Because you was in Hamtramck where they eat poachers. You have enough Arab women in this town. You know what I'm saying? You got to hop on Linwood, you know what I'm saying, on the block. Steve's Soul Food, you know what I'm saying? Shots out where the collard greens got the sugar in it. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:26:00 Men don't holler at me like this in Philadelphia. Yeah, I take you out. You got to pick them up, girl. We got the content going. It's funny, Alyssa. You do have a body that black guys love and a face that Jewish guys love. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:16 I do upset a lot of Jewish men's parents. That's a face that my taxes love, too. Nerd Jeremiah? The only thing that I would holler at you is you have a beautiful personality. I like her. She's amazing. Wait, what? What?
Starting point is 00:26:36 I said I like her. She's amazing. Oh yeah, she is. She's thick as hell and funny, man. What were you asking for? It's true. You are thick as hell and funny. I. What more will you ask for? It's true. You are thick as hell and funny. I mean, we want some more back. I mean, if she had a pack of backwoods in her pocket, she would be amazing.
Starting point is 00:26:53 What do you do for fun, Alyssa? Tell us more about you. I smoke a lot of weed. What the? Come on. Well, let's cheer up. Smoke with your boy. You know, let's talk about some motherfucking astrology or something.
Starting point is 00:27:08 Astrology? Yeah, what's your sign? I'm a Reiki level two master. What's your sign? What does that mean, Reiki level two master? Yeah, that's like some Pokemon shit. That's like some Pokemon shit, man. I don't know about all that shit.
Starting point is 00:27:22 I was born in the early 80s. I was born in the early 80s. I was born in the early 80s. You know what I'm saying? That was very impressive, Brian. Tony, Tony. I forgot. Tony, after that dance, I think I got a pack of backlips in my front pocket. Alyssa, what kind of guys are you into?
Starting point is 00:27:41 Are you single? No. She like niggas. Alyssa, what kind of guys are you into? Are you single? No. She like niggas. What?
Starting point is 00:27:50 I've got a rotating list of men. Yeah. Yeah. I can just guess. She like niggas. You can tell. Is that true? You like N-words?
Starting point is 00:28:03 I can't say what he said. What do you want me to do in that situation? What do I do? What do I do? He said that. If I say black people, it's just as weird, except we don't all get to laugh about it. I have to change it no matter what. I think N-Words is funnier.
Starting point is 00:28:20 Sorry. Sorry, 2018. Sorry, sorry 2018 It was just again you love it Hypothesis sure do I learned that in science class hypothesis. What's your rotation like ratio ethnicity wise? Are they all black guys? Is it I'm pretty sure it's a lot of niggas Are they all black guys? I'm pretty sure it's a lot of niggas. Are they like the starting five or something like that?
Starting point is 00:28:49 Yeah, definitely. And then on the weekends. They be saying that, ooh, baby. They say mad weird shit when she in the mall just shopping. She go to Walgreens, she be like, damn, ooh. They say mad weird shit. You ever had any weird cat calls? Before you know it, man, it's like you gotta bow down to it. It's like lasso. It's like, shh, shh, shh.
Starting point is 00:29:07 You know what? Let me see what this nigga talking about. Anything you remember? Any cat calls that you've ever gotten? Oh, yeah. Stand out to you? Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, goddamn. I actually found out that I was gaining weight from a cat caller
Starting point is 00:29:22 because it used to be I would walk past a gentleman and he would go, mmm. But now they all go, mmm. Yeah, mmm. So. Told you. I'm creepy like that too. I just try to keep it in.
Starting point is 00:29:33 Nerd Jeremiah. Can I try the cat collar right now? Yeah, yeah, try it. Let's see what this is like. All right. See what you got. Hey girl, weren't you a finalist on AGT, America's Got Thickness?
Starting point is 00:29:46 Oh. Tony, Tony. Yes, you're going to give it a shot? That's why she like niggas, you know what I'm saying? Shit like that, that's why she like niggas. She looks like if Rachel Maddow worked for a world star. Wow, Joelberg is here. Joelberg is here,
Starting point is 00:30:11 ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind the drums. Also, Tony, the bullies say if I smoke weed, I'll be cool, so just saying. Maybe I'd like to try that on you. Oh, look at this nerd. Don't do it! Oh, look at this nerd. Don't do it! Wow.
Starting point is 00:30:33 Whoa, that was a real hit. I think I'm dead. I think I'm dead. He inhaled and everything. That was like the opposite of Elon Musk on Joe Rogan. That was... Right? Oh Elon Musk on Joe Rogan. Right? Oh, hold on.
Starting point is 00:30:51 I have to be the first to make a physical joke about that, right? Is it too soon to make the Elon on Rogan joke? Tony, if you don't mind me saying, that was gooder than a motherfucker. Who are you? Who are you? I don't know. I don't know what's happening. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:31:06 I'm high as fuck. Alyssa, this is, I mean, you know, this is one of those crazy shows where I hope that you're having fun up here. Is everything good? You feel comfortable? Yeah. I just finished smoking, so I feel great. I love it.
Starting point is 00:31:27 I feel great. You guys are wonderful. Is that where you were when we called your name? Yeah. Wow. That is so fucking cool. You were tearing up the hookah? I just got ready.
Starting point is 00:31:37 Yeah. The old hubbly bubbly. Wow. All right. Well, it was nice to have you on. Thank you for having me. Let me tell you this in closing, is that you were able to stay within one subject the entire time.
Starting point is 00:31:51 You know what I mean? That's pretty cool. It shows your experience and everything. It was nice to meet you. You have a beautiful face. Wow, Red Band's in love. That just means the rest of me sucks. I'm trying to
Starting point is 00:32:05 dismount us off of the sexual stuff. And of course, Redband at the end, you have a beautiful face. She does. Serial killer style. Like you're on the other side of a window looking in. You have a beautiful face. I love your skin.
Starting point is 00:32:21 I'd love to wear it. We should be friends. Follow her on Twitter at TheDukeness. It's Alyssa Alduki, everybody. Mighty Morphin Power, local Power Rangers. All right. You know, if you listen to the show,
Starting point is 00:32:41 how many of you are big fans of this show? Then you know that we have a history on this show. Every time, it always seems like some of our most fun guests are always one-word names. And this is our first one-word name of the night. Make some noise for Noodle. Noodle. Noodle. Noodle.
Starting point is 00:33:10 Check! Hey, yo. What's up? My name's Chris. Honestly, I'll be honest with you. I thought this was going to be a black crowd because I'm from Canada. Oh, shit. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:23 Andrew Wiggins. Anyways, I got it. No no heart i'm a twin i haven't know what you call that um my boss recently started paying for my phone bill which is sweet i don't have to pay a phone bill anymore the only the only problem with it is that the only thing i used to watch porn with was my cell phone and i don't know if my boss can really, I don't know if he knows if I am watching porn on my phone, but every time he has to see my phone at work, I feel like I'm handing him a wet napkin.
Starting point is 00:34:18 Thank God. Wow, all right. How many of you hate this guy? I was going to say, you look like Andy Samberg if I hated him. You look like an off-duty stormtrooper. He does look like an off-duty stormtrooper. Look at your stupid sweater. Should I call you Noodle or Chris or what the fuck, you weird, lying, cheating fuck?
Starting point is 00:34:47 Well, my name's Chris. My childhood nickname was Noodle. So that's what you went by. Well, I know from... You look like a noodle. Thank you. You know what? Hey, I'm a podcast fan.
Starting point is 00:34:59 I can't really feel sorry for him. Why? Because I used to skip school with my homeboy Robine in elementary school when we used to watch porn on VHS tapes and this nigga talking about watching porn on his phone. That ain't gangster. We skipped school, risked our lives, risked our whole everything to hang out at his crib and let his dad go to work. Still his VHS tapes. Yeah. Watch porn.
Starting point is 00:35:28 But they're waterproof. With the other niggas. Ain't even had no pussy on deck. And he talking about some jokes with his porn on his phone. He used to jerk off in the same way. He ain't from my era. He ain't from my world. They keep telling us we living in simulations.
Starting point is 00:35:48 It's like, man, different worlds we in. He ain't in mine. Because I skipped school with Robine to watch porn with other niggas in the fourth grade. Jeremiah? With mad hair on the pussy. Nerd Jeremiah? It wasn't no shit shade. Yes. And you talking about porn on his pussy. Nerd Jeremiah? It wasn't no shit, Shay. Yes?
Starting point is 00:36:06 And you talking about porn on his phone. What year this nigga was born in? What year were you born in? 89. Wow. You look like Elon Crust. He made it. All right. Let's find out a little bit more about you, Chris. What job are you jerking off
Starting point is 00:36:23 at on your phone? What do you do for work? I can't jerk off on a board. I do drafting. What? For buildings, I do drafting, like blueprints. Drafting? Yeah, blueprints for buildings. Oh.
Starting point is 00:36:38 You look like a Simpsons character came to life. Have you ever done stand-up before? Is this your first time? First time, yeah. First time. Oh, yeah. There you ever done stand-up before? Is this your first time? First time, yeah. First time. There you go. You know you get rewarded for shit you're scared of doing.
Starting point is 00:36:58 You from here in Detroit? No, I'm from Canada. USA! USA! No, I'm from Canada. Whoa. What the hell? USA. USA. Oh yeah, you didn't say from Canada. I told you, Andrew Wiggins.
Starting point is 00:37:14 What? He ain't got no heart. I don't know who Andrew Wiggins is. Demon. Okay, I don't know what the fuck's going on. I have two degrees in communication. All my real niggas know what I'm talking about. Steven Jackson said, Andrew Wiggins ain't got no heart.
Starting point is 00:37:32 So now I think everybody from Canada ain't got no heart. Nerd Jeremiah? I think this is why I don't smoke weed. I mean, it's some shit. I mean, it makes sense. But yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, man, I just want to live paranoid every minute of my life. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:37:51 Oh, yeah. How do you think this Canadian boy feels? They good. They got health insurance. Did that dude from Indiana Jones steal your heart? You know how long my teeth was fucked up? What? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:38:03 So, Chris, let me ask you this. Did you come down from Canada just for this? That nigga went through the border for this shit. What? Yeah. He went through the border for this. Huge Kill Tony fan. Been watching since the Iron Patriot.
Starting point is 00:38:22 He went through the tunnel? Did you go through the tunnel? I'll be the bad guy. People don't like me. Danny, choose your moments, friend, okay? Danny, stop. Okay? It's a live podcast. We all have
Starting point is 00:38:43 microphones. There's six people on stage with microphones. Whenever he's directing a question to this man, let this man talk. You'll have your moment. All right, all right, all right. Yay. Can you just imagine the person on the treadmill going, thank you, Jeremiah.
Starting point is 00:39:05 I'm just saying. That's me. That's me. I listen to Kill Tony all the time. You look like you called the cops. Did you go through the tunnel or over the bridge? What? Did you go through the tunnel or over the bridge? I took the tunnel. We took the tunnel.
Starting point is 00:39:22 Wow. Look at that. The crowd goes crazy. That's our accent I was asking. You blowing on saxophones. Oh, shit. Hey, brother, don't come at me. I have six degrees in communication. I can't understand one word you're saying. This is Nerd versus Danny Brown live. See? degrees in communication, I can't understand one word you're saying. Nerd
Starting point is 00:39:47 versus Danny Brown. See? Detroit. I say we gonna do this all night. But you don't know. I'm prepared for this shit. I gotta find out more about Chris. It's hometown. What part of Canada are you from?
Starting point is 00:40:03 In between Windsor and London, Ontario. Wow. That's Chatham. Chatham, Ontario. Answer this. What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you? No, I'm not saying what's the most Canadian thing. You got me hot because I can't say what the fuck I want to say now
Starting point is 00:40:20 because you done fucked me up, so I got to put the mic on the table. Now you know what it's like to feel bold your entire life. I'm over it. What's the most Canadian thing about you, Chris, other than the jacket shirt that you're wearing right now? What's the second most Canadian thing about you? It could be maybe just maybe drinking excessively.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Yeah, what do you like to drink? What? Dude, I drink. What, juice? I'll drink you, buddy. I know you. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
Starting point is 00:40:58 That's Canadian shit talking. Let's do it. Hey, buddy. You want to go with me? I know you got the body mask, but fucking... I got money on blue shirt, cuz you ain't about to out-drink. What? Were you a Canucks
Starting point is 00:41:12 fan? This guy's fucking giggly after fucking two Cheerios. Welcome to another episode of Canadian Shit Talking, by the way, where... Oh, buddy, you think you can out-drink me, buddy? Oh, I'm gonna show you a real good time, buddy. I ain't gonna lie, I love Canada, man. I love Canada. Oh, man, you think you can out-drink me, buddy? Oh, I'm going to show you a real good time, buddy. I got a little...
Starting point is 00:41:26 I ain't going to lie, I love Canada, man. I love Canada. Oh, man, I'll... You know what? I'll even pay for all the drinks, pal. Oh, I'll show you who the nice guy is. No more Mr. Nice Guy, and by that, I'm going to get us drunk tonight.
Starting point is 00:41:44 And that was Canadian shit talking. Oh, buddy. Oh. Oh. Oh, buddy, old pal. You got yourself in big trouble now. We're going to be the best of friends. This is definitely about to be the longest kill, Tony.
Starting point is 00:42:03 How many motherfuckers about to go up fucking with me? That's all I know. We don't get that. Unfortunately, we're not going to make it through everybody. It's almost done. It's over. Two niggas. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:15 This is like dances. We still have a guy. Chris is still up here. I know. It's funny because Chris is such a nerd that he just blends right in with the band over there. He merged. You play any instruments? We have an extra tambourine for this fucking guy or anything?
Starting point is 00:42:31 Do you have an ED? Because you could go to 4hymns.com if you do. Well, Chris, every episode has its own DNA, and I wish we could have talked to you more, but we've got to keep flying through it, all right? I've got to get more names out of this bucket. There he goes, everybody. Chris Noodle, as they got to keep flying through it. All right? I got to get more names out of this bucket. There he goes, everybody. Chris. Noodle, as they call him
Starting point is 00:42:47 up in Canada there. All right. Let me ask you one more question real quick. Chris, before you go, what's the most you ever drank in one night? I fought with you, Chris. Most drinks. Even though you're Canadian, I fought with you. There used to be a thing called Rainbow Challenge. It was 12 shots and every shot was a different color.
Starting point is 00:43:04 And we had to drink it in one hour. So I did all 12 shots and every shot was a different color. And we had to drink it in one hour. So I did all 12 shots in one hour and I ended up streaking through the town butt naked. Wow. That's some gay shit. There you go. He did the rainbow shot challenge, everybody. That's some gay shit, man.
Starting point is 00:43:20 I always thought the rainbow shot challenge was when you do shots with your buddies until you start blowing them. I was fucking with him until he told me he was shaking his dick all around town. I ain't... I don't fuck with nobody shaking their dick all around town, man.
Starting point is 00:43:33 That ain't cool. I can't wait to make... I'm gonna make so many ringtones out of this podcast. I'm just saying, man. I keep the dick enclosed. Keeping this fun train moving along. You ready to meet another... He's shaking the dick all around town.
Starting point is 00:43:49 That's that Canada shit, man. That's why we don't let them niggas over the bridge. That's why we got tunnels. All type of shit for them to come through. Because they shake dick everywhere they go. I have a Crown Royal and Coke, by the way, from wherever that guy is. There he goes. He's got it.
Starting point is 00:44:03 Could I have a warm glass of milk, please? You ready to meet another comedian, Danny Brown? Let's do it. Hell yeah. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Alex Stipula. Hey, Danny. Ain't it? Ain't it funny how it happened?
Starting point is 00:44:28 Check! Alex Stipula, Detroit. Make some noise. Come on. Is he from Detroit, though? Hey, how are you? I just went to the doctor. He told me that I have to stop cutting myself.
Starting point is 00:44:45 Yeah. Said you got all these deep cuts and lacerations all over your body. I was just like, well, then you find the microchips, asshole. How the hell else am I gonna dig him out of there? You know what I don't get? How come two people can dress up as furries and fuck each other, but I can't dress up my dog as a person and fuck it?
Starting point is 00:45:22 Hold still, Rex. I mean Nancy. See, because Nancy's a person's name. You don't name a dog Nancy unless you're an asshole. All right, before I'm done with this... Oh, okay. Want to finish it? Go ahead, finish.
Starting point is 00:45:41 Before I'm done with this, I just want to tell you about my band real quick. I play in a really awesome band. It's called Young Adolescent... See, it was cool before you did that shit. What? Well, you didn't let me finish the joke because I don't actually play in a band. Oh, damn. I mean,
Starting point is 00:45:55 I know. I apologize. No, it's okay. It's your show. Do you want to finish it? Just try it again? I'll do it. I'll do it. I mean, now that we know that you don't have a band, then Mr. X sort of given up. But I mean, if you still want to give it a shot. I would never plug my band. Sometimes the third time's the charm. I play in a really awesome
Starting point is 00:46:11 band. It's called Young Adolescent Boys Getting Fucked Hard by Older Men. Wow. All right. You went darker. If you could get out your phones and Google us. Jesus. It's okay, man. It's okay, man. It's okay, man. It's okay, man. But. It's okay, man.
Starting point is 00:46:27 You great. You did great. You did great. Could I talk about my real band now? No. I don't want to punch a line at this point. Tony. Tony.
Starting point is 00:46:34 I'm cool. I'm cool. I love you. High five. Give me a hug. Tony. Yeah. I liked it.
Starting point is 00:46:43 You dope. This guy looks like if Super Mario was married to Roseanne. Alex, you are a dark creature, man. You're talking about fucking your dog. And then whatever that last part was didn't even sound like a joke. It felt like a scary news headline or something like that. Thank you. Where are you from?
Starting point is 00:47:05 Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh? Yeah. What you doing here? For the festival. You came here for this shit? I'm performing on the Motor City, the festival.
Starting point is 00:47:17 Danny, tonight you're the only person that doesn't respect this show. Everybody else knows what the fuck they're here for. I'm sorry. It's all good. It's amazing. I mean, I live around the corner. I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Starting point is 00:47:36 They just told me. I just said some shit was happening. Pull up. And then I hopped up. And then they got all y'all niggas here. We're going to be trending number one in yoga podcasts for some reason. I bet. Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:47:51 You came from Pittsburgh. I mean, I figure like you must really, you really want to get it out. Hey, I was just being on some 100 shit. You literally came from Pittsburgh for this shit? Yeah. That's only like four hours. Comedians, you got to go on the road sometimes. You dope though. That shit was tight. I fuck with it. I like this hours. Comedians, you got to go on the road sometimes. You dope dope. That shit was tight.
Starting point is 00:48:07 I fuck with it. I like this shit. You tight. How long have you been on stand-up? Over seven years, almost eight. How old are you? I am 33. I just know nobody in Detroit for shit. So, shout out to you.
Starting point is 00:48:22 What do you do for work? Work on old houses. Drive Lyft. Work on old houses. What do you do for work? Work on old houses, drive Lyft. Work on old houses? What do you do with old houses? Drywall, painting, upkeep, shit like that. Whatever. Do you like the film Jurassic Park?
Starting point is 00:48:39 Just the second one. So you're sort of a dark personality, Alex. You know, you talked about that dark shit. Let me ask you this. What is the creepiest thing about you? Like, what is something scary that you do when you're by yourself or a hobby or something like that? Watch soccer. That's pretty bad.
Starting point is 00:49:05 That's what I was afraid of. You look like Mexican Hitler. My nigga. Gracias. He drove to Detroit willingly. That's all I gotta say. What was that? He drove to Detroit willingly.
Starting point is 00:49:21 What'd you drive in? What was the vehicle? Prius. Wow. to Detroit willingly. What'd you drive in? What was the vehicle? Prius. Wow.
Starting point is 00:49:30 Turn that motherfucker up! I know. It was a Ford Prius? Wow. They like, you know, Michigan shit. So, uh, wow. That's incredible. Incredible. Did you listen to music or anything on your way up here?
Starting point is 00:49:49 What did you listen to? Obviously, Ibang and Hoot. Depeche Mode? Really? Yeah. Aw. CD or? Were you surprised?
Starting point is 00:50:00 I just saw my phone. He's looking at him. Were you surprised? You single? What's that? Single? Are you surprised by the answer? Oh, am I single? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's looking at him. Are you surprised? You single? What's that? Single. Are you surprised by the answer? Oh, am I single?
Starting point is 00:50:08 Yeah, yeah. He's in Depeche Mode. I am single. Yeah. My man. You've been single a while? A couple years. How'd your last relationship end?
Starting point is 00:50:17 What was the deal with that? Oh, my ass hurts. Multiple breakups? Multiple breakups. Yeah, but that was... All I know, we friends after this, because he going to big places. Yeah. I mean...
Starting point is 00:50:30 This is too much pain and hurt to not equal sunshine. He's definitely going somewhere better than this, and that place is Pittsburgh. That's what I'm saying. This is too dark to not equal sunshine. Like, I got to be friends with this guy. I know a guy that knows the Canadian comedy scene pretty well. I could introduce
Starting point is 00:50:51 you to him. He was... Where is he? This is how the story always starts. This is how I know. I don't know what's going on. This is great. He really is just smoking weed, huh?
Starting point is 00:51:05 I'm so high. You're a lumberjack, aren't you? Oh, boy. Okay, wow. Again, I'll just keep steering the ship a little bit deeper. We have that clock. Where are we at there? Wow.
Starting point is 00:51:20 So you watch soccer. You basically just hang out by yourself. Anything other than watching soccer? Any fun hobbies or anything? Do you have any special skills or talents? Are you really in a band? Not yet. What do you mean, not yet? Hold on.
Starting point is 00:51:34 What the fuck is that supposed to mean? When you say not yet, what do you mean? It would be nice to do that. What instrument do you play? What do you do? You sing? No, I don't. I have no musical talents. I never used to be in a band or anything. I played the oboe in middle school. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:51:51 I could have guessed that. Actually. It's a double reach. He looks like an oboe player. Nerd Jeremiah? Do you ever go to dig sites and excavate fossils and sometimes find a raptor claw? That would be cool.
Starting point is 00:52:08 Only on Fridays. I hate this guy now. Yeah, let's keep moving along. We're going to move on. It was nice to meet you. Thanks for having me. Alex Stipula, back to Pittsburgh. Fuck yeah. You guys having fun?
Starting point is 00:52:30 We just lost the two black guys in the crowd. Oh, no. It hurts. No. Hell yeah. Make some noise for him, guys. He swung by it's the great Reggie Jackson ladies and gentlemen
Starting point is 00:52:48 your starting point guard for the Detroit Pistons come on make some noise he had to leave early he's a god damn professional basketball player by the way that's not a joke it was the actual Reggie Jackson how fucking cool is that one more time he's leaving he can still hear you
Starting point is 00:53:03 why maybe he had to poopy Jackson. How fucking cool is that? One more time. He's leaving. He can still hear you. Why? Maybe he had to poopy. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Brando Richman, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to... Detroit, come on. We got to get a second wind here.
Starting point is 00:53:31 How's it going, everyone? I hate parents. I hate parents that show you pictures of their kids. I don't know what to say. I normally go with, oh, yeah, which really means nothing. The first part is just the sound, and the second part is acknowledgement that my vision works. I mean, as long as they're within the normal range, I don't have much to say. Now, you show me a kid with a fully deformed face
Starting point is 00:53:59 of an adult, now we're talking. When he looks at you, I got some questions. When he looks at you, does he know what you're saying? Does he snore? Do you trust your baby? I mean, I also don't like parents who think that the kids are amazing. We're all dumb kids. I was a dumb kid. This is a dumb kid thought I had. I thought everybody peed different colors, and I happened to get yellow.
Starting point is 00:54:35 Thank you. There he is, Brando Richman, ladies and gentlemen. Is that real about the pee color? Yeah, that's real. That's hilarious. Not only that, I was disappointed I had yellow. How dumb is that? When I was younger, my dad, like, I farted in the bathtub,
Starting point is 00:54:52 and I saw hair, and he's like, every time you fart, a hair came out. And I was, like, a senior in high school, and I figured out that was a lie. Like, I always, like, every time I farted, I always looked for my hair, and it never happened. Wow. All right. Looks like. Yeah, I'm silent on that one too.
Starting point is 00:55:12 Wow, you guys agree together on that. I can't believe it. I'm black, man. We don't do shit like that. Niggas don't. Black people don't fart in bathtubs? I'm just saying, we don't see daddy's dicks and shit like that. Brando,
Starting point is 00:55:28 Brando, welcome to the show. You are by far one of the scariest 11-year-old boys we've ever had on this show. It's quite incredible. Nerd Jeremiah? It looks like your parents 3D printed a white person. You from here
Starting point is 00:55:44 in Detroit? Actually, no. I'm good friends with Noodle. What the fuck is going on here? Wait, you're a Canadian, too? I'm a Canadian, too. Wow. All right, let me ask you this.
Starting point is 00:55:55 Look, man, I'm not down with this, man. They're coming down. They're taking the American people's jobs. Look, I told you my shit. Nah, I think I'm taking my shit back cuz we just got number Canadian niggas It's true we got nothing but Canadian n words You look like if Scientologist fought in the US that's fire don't think about it I think that'll be a fire like rap group, Canadian niggas.
Starting point is 00:56:26 I'll buy that album. What the fuck they going to talk about? I don't know. What would Canadian Edwards talk about? Shit. I don't know. Maple syrup Prius. Soprando, you ever done stand-up comedy before?
Starting point is 00:56:42 Nope. First time. Wow. Look at that. We're popping some Canadian cherries here tonight. Let me ask you this. You're Canadian. You do, again, seem like a nice guy. We did some Canadian shit talking earlier.
Starting point is 00:56:55 I'm going to ask you this question. I just want you to answer honestly. You know Canadians sort of have a reputation for being nice and polite, right? You know that? What's the meanest thing you've ever done? and nice and polite, right? You know that? What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
Starting point is 00:57:10 Well, one time I stole two paint cans on accident. By the way, for you podcast listeners, he was not, I was watching him. He was not trying to be funny there. I'm telling you, this audience will agree with me. That was fucking honesty right there. Oh, my God. That was amazing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I think I'm stuck like this. Well, one time I stole two paint cans accidentally. Oh, there. Oh, there. Turns out I walked right by the self-checkout.
Starting point is 00:57:46 You know, one time a prostitute owed me and my friend some money for crack, and we just stuffed her in the closet for, like, six hours. I have also been stuffed in a closet for six hours. I'm just telling you, I mean, I don't want to say shit like this, but if that's the worst shit you did, I'm just saying.
Starting point is 00:58:06 And I thought that was light. We didn't do nothing mean to her. We just pushed her in the closet, bitch. Where did you steal the pen? I mean, she was a prostitute. She can't sell nothing for six hours. She owe us money, bitch. Now you can't
Starting point is 00:58:22 work. Get in the closet. Boom. What Apple store do you work at, Steve Jobs? Wow, there you go. Steve, no jobs. So where were you when you stole these paint cans? I stole them from Home Depot. Wow. You have Home Depots?
Starting point is 00:58:41 There's Home Depots in Canada? Yeah. I'm never shopping there again. Fuck that place. Banned. Yeah, we just banned Home Depot. I just told you about kicking crack holes in closets, man, and you talking about stealing from Home Depots, man.
Starting point is 00:58:57 So in Canada, that's a pretty big deal, though, two paint cans. Would you get like ten years in prison for that or something? Facts. That's why they don't do shit. Yeah. No, we barely don't do shit. Yeah. No, we barely have prisons in Canada. What? No, nothing.
Starting point is 00:59:09 We barely. I've been thinking about moving to Canada, man. I really been thinking about moving to Canada. It's right over the bridge. I can just come back and forth. I got to do some shit and come over here, hang out with my family. You ever go up there? I mean, it's hard enough to get over there when I go over there.
Starting point is 00:59:27 Really? Hell yeah. I got to have paperwork, all type of shit. How come? You have a record? I got felonies. And then, but I'm saying, shit should be good. That shit should be expunged from my record.
Starting point is 00:59:42 You know what we should do? We should kill Brando, skin him, and then you could just use his body suit to get over. That's what I don't understand. That's what I'm saying. All these motherfuckers keep coming over here. Every time I go over there, there's some shit. But I look over here, they're just up here on the mic. They are stealing all my time.
Starting point is 01:00:00 We got two Canadian motherfuckers. All right, let's give it a shot. I want to know what it's like. Since you're the closest thing we have to play the character, Brando, I want you to be the Canadian customs agent, and let's see what it's like when Danny goes through customs with a Canadian guy. Oh, that cleaner. All right, so say next.
Starting point is 01:00:22 Say next. Next. And then here he is. This is the guy. All of a sudden. You've been dealing with people that look like you all day, one after the other. All of a sudden, there's a dude. He literally do look like the niggas you get flicked by the Canadian motherfuckers by.
Starting point is 01:00:34 I swear to God. He does. Excuse me, sir. Have you been smoking any weed tonight? Whoa. Whoa. Oh, no. It's my dad. And that's it.
Starting point is 01:00:51 I only could be honest in that situation. And then you get shot by Canadian beanbags. No, no, no, no. Hey, you get down right there. It's going to be legal very soon. Toot, toot, toot. You got hit with some Canadian beanbags there. All right. Anybody got some papers or bagwoods or something?
Starting point is 01:01:07 Okay, Brando. Well, I mean, congratulations on starting stand-up. You fucking did it here tonight in Detroit. No one can ever take it from him. Brando Richmond. On to the next one. On to the next one. There's a million ways to get it.
Starting point is 01:01:22 Oh, yeah, we need a drink for Danny. Yeah. You can have some of mine. What do Oh yeah, we need a drink for Danny. Yeah. You can have some of mine. What do you want? You want a crown of coke? I'll have another crown of coke. Are you going to drink this? Sure. They'll get me another one. I mean, I'll drink it. Yeah, it's delicious. I had a sip out of the straw. I mean, I'll drink it. I pulled another name out of the bucket.
Starting point is 01:01:39 J-T-V-Z-V-Z? J-T-V-Z. J-T-V-Z. Come on, guys. Make some noise. We're doing this. We're meeting human beings. The nerds are with us. Danny Brown, Brian Redband. Here he comes. It's JTVZ. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. and gentlemen. So I'm JT and I already feel like I'm at another AA meeting. This is
Starting point is 01:02:11 awesome. So I'm recently single dad. I've got a pretty good dating profile now. It's pretty good. Sorry, never been on a stage before. But thought it'd be real fun, my last relationship, after I filled out the dating profile today.
Starting point is 01:02:37 Said, describe your last relationship. Okay. I got married. relationship. Okay. I got married and then 15 days later my mother-in-law decided to drive her riding
Starting point is 01:02:52 lawnmower into the side of her semi-truck. She kind of stole the day from us. It was pretty cool. She died. I never had those mother-in-law problems fuck yeah JT Vesey
Starting point is 01:03:10 something about your delivery on that she died actually really fucking got me I love that I thought I was like a CBS or something hell yeah that's about as good as it gets for a guy's first time on stage, huh? One more time for JT Beasley.
Starting point is 01:03:29 First time ever on a stage. You still married? Hell no. Hell no. How long ago was that marriage? Ended like two years ago. I think it lasted four years. Two years ago.
Starting point is 01:03:42 And her mom really drove a tractor into a semi truck? Yeah. Like a lawnmower? A zero-turn lawnmower. She drove it right into the bottom of the semi. I don't know what zero-turn is. I'm not a full-grown boy yet. No steering wheel.
Starting point is 01:03:55 Oh. Redneck. No steering wheel. How did you steer a tractor? Oh, with the bars? So when she hit it, it was her face that hit the trailer. Oh, shit the bars? So when she hit it, it was her face that hit the trailer. Oh, shit. God damn.
Starting point is 01:04:07 Did you go to the scene where it was? Were you like, oh my god, we have to get over there and say our goodbyes? No, she didn't show up for her home trip and she skipped her son's birthday and decided to do that at her boyfriend's house. Why are you smiling?
Starting point is 01:04:24 Because to top that, I decided to burn the house down by accident wait a second wait a second let me tell you something you're in a tough position because i met a canadian guy that did something by accident right before you were on this stage and i could tell that he was telling the truth, but your by accident seemed a little shady. But I got topped after that because then the ex told me she was pregnant and we brought the baby home and two days later the house flooded.
Starting point is 01:04:57 Jesus. I have no idea why it didn't work. Can you tell us the beginning part of the story that we haven't heard yet about you finding an old raggedy doll in some type of event and you took the doll home with you and it haunted your
Starting point is 01:05:12 entire existence? Do you realize you're cursed? My mom's a bipolar drug addict that we thought would ruin the moon. All of our moms are bipolar drug addicts. Come on. But we thought she would have stole the wedding, not the one that drove into the semi.
Starting point is 01:05:28 JT, how old are you? 33. What do you do for a living? I fix gas stations. You fix gas stations. The pumps. I smoke a lot of weed. In Michigan, that's a profitable thing.
Starting point is 01:05:44 I'm going to be honest with you. We're real close to Dearborn. There's a lot of gas stations. When you say you fix thing. I'm going to be honest with you. We're real close to Dearborn. There's a lot of gas stations. When you say you fix gas stations. I'm just being honest with you. I'm letting them know. He really a baller. Job security.
Starting point is 01:05:55 It sounds like, it might not sound like it's all that, but I'm letting you know. In Detroit, it's a real deal. You know what I'm saying? I fucks with them. But I drive a Tesla, so. That's not job security. Tesla was a great man. And so is Elon Musk.
Starting point is 01:06:18 How dare you? He doesn't inhale. JT, what's your dating life like now? Single. Single. Did you end up having any kids? My man. Yeah, I'm a single dad.
Starting point is 01:06:31 That's not a deadbeat. Right. That's fucking awesome. Of course, you're out there fixing gas stations. That's awesome. No, I'm serious. Like, that's amazing that you're, you know what I mean, that you fucking do the actual grind. I actually work in Detroit. Say that actual grind. I actually work in Detroit.
Starting point is 01:06:46 Say that again? That I actually work in Detroit's amazing. Yeah, that's like a real like, when you say you in Detroit and you're not black, it's like a... It's like a witch's curse.
Starting point is 01:07:01 It's like a staple where you're like, I was in Detroit. Yeah. I made like a staple. You're like, I was in Detroit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I made that a lot. Yep, I agree. That's what he was doing to you. No, I get it.
Starting point is 01:07:12 He's like, you know, I'll be in Detroit. I'm still here. Being from Youngstown from the time that I was raised in Youngstown is why I'm a... Okie dokie. Wow. I mean, it's just complete... Just a random dolphin in the middle of... When you're in control of...
Starting point is 01:07:33 Ohio, man. I told you, man. Two people looked at you and said, what? Wait a second. What is this anti-Ohio fist bump that just happened? Ohio, man. The hell was that shit? We not.
Starting point is 01:07:46 I don't fuck with it, man. You know what? You guys cheer all you want. You know what? I was having so much fun in Michigan that this year I was going to text my friend, great human being, Urban Meyer. I was going to text him. This year.
Starting point is 01:08:02 No, this is true. This is true. I was going to text him this year before the, this is true. This is true. I was going to text him this year before the big Michigan Wolverines game. I was going to text him and I was going to say, let's take it easy on him this year. I had a lot of fun during my three-day trip in Michigan.
Starting point is 01:08:16 We sold out fucking stand-up and kill Tony shows. I was going to say take it easy on the Wolverines. No, listen to me. I was going to say take it easy on the Wolverines. No, listen to me. Listen to me. I was going to say that. But I just decided right now I'm not going to send that text. You know,
Starting point is 01:08:31 I'm ready, bro. I swear. There's nothing I hate more than that shit, bro. I swear to God. Ohio. And I'm not even a college football fan and that shit, but I remember I was just on tour one time and I was in I was remember I was just on tour one time, and I was in, I was in, I think, I don't know,
Starting point is 01:08:49 whatever the fuck Ohio State is cracking at, I was in Ohio at the time, where Ohio and Michigan was playing, and I couldn't say I was a fan of Michigan because I got my ass beat at the time. But I'm from Detroit, you know what I'm saying, and I ain't a whole ass nigga So I was holding my shit down But That's okay
Starting point is 01:09:08 I had to hide it all week No I stayed on my tour bus and shit You know what I'm saying One time me and my You know Ohio motherfuckers man Those motherfuckers don't get hurt Yeah
Starting point is 01:09:18 You can hit them in the head and shit With bricks and shit They just eat that shit Yeah They just keep coming at you Like That's what I think I learned about Ohio people You can hit them eat that shit. They just keep coming at you. That's what I think I learned about Ohio people. You can hit them with whatever you got.
Starting point is 01:09:28 They just keep coming. We're able to do that because our water is always clean. You fucks. No, I'm kidding. See? I love being the bad guy. That's why you never give Ohio people props. I was trying to show them a little love
Starting point is 01:09:44 because they was here on home turf. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they're going to make it home tonight. You know what I'm saying? JTVZ. Is that your name? JTVZ? Am I saying that right?
Starting point is 01:09:53 I'm about to hit them niggas with the flock of weed. What is it that you dislike about Ohio? I was stuck there all last week. Why? Why were you stuck there last week? I had to hold a shovel. What? Why? I had to hold a shovel and dig up a gas station all week.
Starting point is 01:10:12 You had to dig up a gas station? That's how we get gas stations. You're trying to be funny. You can't dig on top of 20,000 gallons of gas. See, I ain't fucking with Cooley. You're trying to be funny now, man. That's why I drive Tesla, because I can't trust these type of niggas
Starting point is 01:10:23 that look like this in our city. You know what I'm saying? I used to wear Alwassam leather jackets, man. That's the only thing I fucked with the 8-Ram 4, man, was leathers and shit, man. For the gas and shit, man. You know what I'm saying? I know what they doing.
Starting point is 01:10:40 You know what I'm saying? Just thank God we live here with Dearborn, because I know ISIS ain't blowing shit up here in Michigan. You know what I'm saying? Thank God we live here with Dearborn because I know ISIS ain't blowing shit up here in Michigan. You know what I'm saying? So shouts out all my niggas in Dearborn. We got the best swarmers in the motherfucking Americas. Yeah. There you go.
Starting point is 01:10:59 And you can clean piss off the leather. They don't know nothing about the swarmers here. You know what I'm saying? This is the moment where Danny and I announce we're running mates in the 2020 presidential election. That's right. You from Ohio. We definitely blowing your shit up first. Where you think all the fentanyl come from?
Starting point is 01:11:18 Us to y'all. We try to kill Ohio first with our fentanyl. All right. What do you think? Should we move along, get one more person up here? JTBC, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, guys, really make some noise. This is his first time on stage. Oh, yeah, let's do that for sure.
Starting point is 01:11:43 It got too real for you with that fentanyl joke, didn't it? What's that? It got too real with that fentanyl joke. Yeah, that's true. That's true shit right there. Yeah. You know I'm from the hood. You think I ain't got nothing to do with that?
Starting point is 01:11:55 I don't want to talk too much. All right. Guys, guys, I wish this never happened. I'm just saying, I can admit, it like stopped working when you're from the streets. Like, you give your homie $1,000. Next thing you know, he got $100,000. And it's from fentanyl. Wait, what?
Starting point is 01:12:14 Yeah, Danny. Jeremiah's taking it to Ohio to kill y'all motherfuckers because he say fuck the Buckeyes. No. And hell to the victors. Danny, you want to hear something awesome? Every week on this show... Hold up! Don't clip none of this. I'm just saying, man.
Starting point is 01:12:32 I just... Sometimes you get a little too drunk, and we talk with our people. We in Hamtramck right now where we eat poochies. I'm sorry y'all Ohio niggas got caught in this situation. It's like a clan meeting. And y'all Ohio niggas got caught in this situation. It's like a clan meeting. And y'all some niggas.
Starting point is 01:12:49 And y'all the niggas, right? I guess I forgot to say, I've said it each night in Grand Rapids and Lansing the last two nights. I didn't get to say this part. We set these Ohio niggas up. I want to say this, Danny, real quick. I want to say this, Danny, real quick. Is that what's beautiful is that we are lucky enough,
Starting point is 01:13:08 us Ohioans and Michiganders, you must agree that we're all lucky enough to be born and raised in a place where it's the biggest rivalry in all of fucking sports. And there's nothing cooler than that. Nobody can
Starting point is 01:13:24 take that from us. In closing, anyway, see you in November. I love it. You were my Darth Maul. Nerds, what's going on? Look at this. We lost Jeremiah. I didn't know I still existed.
Starting point is 01:13:39 Yeah. If we don't think of him, he doesn't exist. That's true. Wait, what does that mean? Like if we stop thinking about Jeremiah, he won't be there. So Danny, we have on this show one of the castmates is a regular who writes and performs a brand new minute every single episode of this show. He's had to write four new minutes this week.
Starting point is 01:14:04 He did one on Monday in L.A. He was with us in Grand Rapids, Lansing, and about to perform a brand new minute, never heard before stand-up comedy, in uninterrupted 60 seconds by the great, the regular, Malcolm Hatchett. What's up?
Starting point is 01:14:29 Hell yeah. I couldn't be a superhero because I would only show up when it's convenient for me. Like if somebody just got murdered down the street and there's no bitches around the murder scene, call the cops. If I was a superhero, my name would be Fagoman. I'll be standing in the hood one day, on the corner sipping on the Fagoman,
Starting point is 01:14:58 and a little kid runs up, hey, Mr. Fagoman. I'm like, what? They fighting over there. We need you to break it up. Who's fighting? You know, Tiffany. We need you to break it up. Who fighting? You know Tiffany with the big butt? Hello, brother. Oh, Tiff.
Starting point is 01:15:11 She down there, too? Yeah. What else is down there? Ribs. Oh, shit, ribs? Yeah. Stop fighting. Love each other.
Starting point is 01:15:21 Where the ribs at? A brand new minute from Malcolm Hatchett. I'm going to be honest with you. What was your favorite part of that set? My favorite part of that set was getting to talk with my friend Danny Brown here about how at the end of the day, he'd end up fucking Aphrodite.
Starting point is 01:15:48 I'm just saying. He would do. I'm just saying. Somehow we went off on a tangent about... Sometimes niggas be looking, they be missing out on their blessings. You know what I'm saying? I would quit this show.
Starting point is 01:16:01 Hell no. I'm just saying. Sometimes you got to knock it off, man. In life, you got to do shit. It's like escalators. You know what I'm saying? Actually, Malcolm is hopeless, not soulless. No.
Starting point is 01:16:16 Bro, you got to knock Aphrodite off, man. That's what you got to do. He just brought it up. Here's what happened, just so that you know the order of events. How do I know about that? I said your name. Look. I was excited to.
Starting point is 01:16:29 You got to knock it off, cuz. She smelled like oatmeal. You got to knock it off, cuz. Hilarious. That is hilarious. I'm just saying, man. It's like astral planing. You want to go to the next level?
Starting point is 01:16:43 You want to go to quantum physics? It's in quantum physics. It's in quantum physics. It's in the laws. Danny leaned into me, and he said into my ear, he goes, I watched the episode where we find out that Aphrodite has a crush on Malcolm. And you got a fucker to go to the next level. It's like Metroid. I'm going to go to Nerd Jeremiah on this for a second.
Starting point is 01:17:06 This is statistically why black people have a higher chance of getting AIDS than white people. Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? He's suggesting that he just willy-nilly. We got for Aphrodite. I'm sorry, man. I'm telling you. A lot of shit we don't want to do as black people, man, but you always got to do it, man.
Starting point is 01:17:22 That's the point of being a black man. I'd rather go to sleep. Well, go to sleep. Because... I mean, it's going to turn into a vampire, man. Holy shit. One more time for Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:42 Wow. So, that was another new minute. What did you talk about? If I was a superhero. He's like, he'd be like the favorite. Wait till you fuck Aphrodite. Oh my God. I'll be the villain.
Starting point is 01:17:59 So Danny, you've seen Malcolm do quite a few sets on this show. You're a fan of Kill Tony, right? I mean, that's what you keep telling me, at least. I live in Michigan. I ain't got nothing else to do but to be in my basement watching YouTube videos. I don't got... What else y'all
Starting point is 01:18:16 got to do? Eat poonskies? We gonna eat Coney Island and go home and go on YouTube. Ain't not seeing this shit. And I know... He pulls a band for Aphrodite. Ain't not seeing this shit. And I know. See, he pulls a Ben from Aphrodite. He pulls a Ben from your dad. Danny, I'm going to ask you a question.
Starting point is 01:18:36 So Malcolm, in the last few months, has gained a really big. No, he cracking. He cracking. He tried to kind of holler at me. I'm like, nigga, I know who you is. Why you talking to me? So here's my question, Danny. Is this a guy that's made it out of Detroit? Like, what's
Starting point is 01:18:48 some advice now that he's getting the very, you know, start of some successes and like, you know, he has big business coming out of him. He has like agents and managers now. Quick, quick, quick, quick, actin' all bougie and get Afrodati that dick. I'll tell you something.
Starting point is 01:19:04 I have no idea how this happened, but it looks like we're only getting one thing out of Danny Brown on this. Just put the tip in. You don't understand. That's vampire shit. You got to get that dick up. You live ever.
Starting point is 01:19:15 You live ever. What if I put my tip in and I don't get it back? Just the tip. Bro. Hey, get my shit. Bro, I'm telling you, man. It's like vampire shit. What if I kill her? You got to fuck Afrod, I'm just telling you, man. It's like vampire shit.
Starting point is 01:19:25 What if I kill her? You got to fuck Aphrodite, man. Wake up, man. You got to fuck Aphrodite, man. Fuck Aphrodite. Hell no. Fuck Aphrodite. Look, you got to fuck Aphrodite, man.
Starting point is 01:19:36 It's over, man. I'm sorry. I'm telling you. Other than fucking Aphrodite. Kill myself. Let me ask you something. Bro, she had a whole little love letter. I saw it, bro. That shit was so funny. She put it, bro, she had a whole little love letter. I saw it, bro.
Starting point is 01:19:45 That shit was so funny. He's like, oh, women. She was like, I was, she said some ill shit about you, my nigga. That shit was weird. Yeah, weird. Yeah, weird. I can't even repeat it. It was like, I'm just like, with him.
Starting point is 01:20:01 I'm with him. He want to fuck Aphrodite. I can't, man. I'm married, man. I got a wife, man. Well, there's only one thing to do, and I guess that's to bring out Aphrodite so that somebody can fuck her, huh?
Starting point is 01:20:18 Is that the... There it is. Okay, wow. Man, Aphrodite old as my mama, man. I can't fuck Aphrodite. Spirit Airlines trying to charge her for her butt as a carry-on. I understand. We couldn't afford it.
Starting point is 01:20:31 Malcolm, you've spent the last three nights here in Michigan with us, Grand Rapids, Lansing. This is our last night. We fly tomorrow morning. What have you taken from the Michigan? Taking a lot of fegos and weed. What have you taken from the Michigan? Oh, I've taken a lot of Faygo's and weed. And I met a lot of cool people. Everybody cool.
Starting point is 01:20:51 Where y'all leaving? Hold up. Everybody cool. I can show you. I gotta go court Monday. I can show you something. Was that boring? Wait a second.
Starting point is 01:21:02 I'm just saying, I can show you something. I don't know if you want to go on that side. What, you got a fat girl bow-legged? I get it. See, that's the fucked up part about when you try to get in the show business and you just, you know, when you pop up and then it's Aphrodite hopping at you. You know what I'm saying? Back at the bottom.
Starting point is 01:21:24 When we come to Detroit, Michigan, nigga, it's some nasty type shit. Malcolm, what do you have to go to court for on Monday? Not Frank Murphy. I got a parking ticket. Parking ticket? This is my first one since I got my shit together. He calls it a house payment.
Starting point is 01:21:40 In L.A.? In California? In LA? In California? Anything else you uh... That's why I got the room key, nigga. Sleep in the car! I ain't gonna lie, when all talking some shit in me. I knock Aphrodite ass now, man. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 01:22:09 Yeah. What the fuck is that? It's the beginning of good vibrations. Brian, hard as hell. Lifting up the table. Anything else, Malcolm? Anything you want to say to the Detroit crowd tonight or anything like that?
Starting point is 01:22:31 Oh, I fuck with y'all, bro. I fuck with Danny. I fuck with Eminem, bro. Hell yeah. Y'all lay down. Hey, I was excited. It was like the best trip ever, bro. This shit was cool. Hell yeah. Well, we're happy that you're part of it. I'm going to go back and maybe tonight or tomorrow and watch your set. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:52 It's going to be. I don't know what the fuck happened. Y'all was on Pluto. Y'all was not in the room. I don't know what the fuck happened. I swear. They told me to come over here and then they say I know I came to hell and try me and there wasn't no poonskies.
Starting point is 01:23:11 Don't let me get in my zone. All I know you couldn't hang out on Trammie, they got poonskies and shit. I came over here and there wasn't no poonskies. And then they talking about come on stage and talk about some other shit and then I don't know. Danny's sleepy as hell. Bang.
Starting point is 01:23:31 That nigga need a nap. He need a nap. He need to lay down. Ladies and gentlemen, there he is. The great Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. I've been up since 4 o'clock this morning. Is that true? Not by choice.
Starting point is 01:23:57 Oh, shit. By depression. Hell yeah. I mean, we ain't going to go into that type of shit, but... Well, Danny, I just want you to know. I don't know. I do rap music, and you wake up at weird hours, and you might write a rap, and you might record one. I don't know.
Starting point is 01:24:14 We might about to do that. We're not about to go into that. But I'm telling you, but I got shit that be happening. So he was right. It's all fucked up. Well, Danny, we love you. I'm telling you, but I got shit that be happening. So he was right. Mm-hmm. It's all fucked up. Well, Danny, we love you. Why y'all think my rap album be good, though?
Starting point is 01:24:32 Of course. Yeah. No. We were listening. Check Metacritic. I'm on Keto. Should we go back to the bucket one more time? One more time. Going deep into the center.
Starting point is 01:24:50 Bottom center. I got to pee. You can go pee if you want to. I need a paper to roll up. There's a bathroom right there. There you can go. Your next, your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Sam Rager.
Starting point is 01:25:12 Sam Rager, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Hey, I only like to go to the gym on my period because I like to epitomize the phrase blood, sweat, and tears. I like to research how they handled PMS back in the day. Like, if they knew that ladies would be the nicest once a month. Like, if George Washington would go down to a local tavern, he'd be like, well, gentlemen,
Starting point is 01:25:58 Martha has a salty tongue this week. But if I play my cards right, I could earn my red coat tonight. Thank you. That's a period, period piece. Thank you. Oh, sorry. That's good. I'm straight. Oh, sorry. That's good. I'm straight. I'm tight.
Starting point is 01:26:29 I'm content. That's a minute right there. Oh. Fuck yeah. There you go. Sam Rager, that was awesome. Thank you. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:43 That was awesome. Thank you. You have a lanyard on. That was awesome. Thank you. That was awesome. Thank you. You have a lanyard on. You're like a professional comedian or something. I am just a local comic. I'm not one of the young top rising You from Detroit? Where are you from?
Starting point is 01:26:57 Yeah, I'm from Metro Detroit. Do you have a back lanyard on? Also, do you have a lanyard? Metro Detroit. Actually, where from Detroit? See, look. Hold on. Let me do my Michigan investigations.
Starting point is 01:27:10 Brian's right. Where are you from actually from Michigan? Where are you from? Uh-oh. You said metropolitan. Now we're about to find out the truth. Yeah, because as you know, it's definitely not Detroit. So where are you actually from?
Starting point is 01:27:23 Illinois. Oh, Royal Oak, but... Oh! Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 01:27:33 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 01:27:41 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Royal Oak, I thought I made it. I'm just telling you the truth. When I went to Royal Oak, I was like, ooh, I did it. I did some shit in my life. And she was there
Starting point is 01:27:53 her whole life. And that's white privilege. How long have you been doing it? I've only been doing it six years. Only been doing it six years. I like it, though. I like it. What's your name? Sam. Sam Riker. That's fun. What do you do for work?
Starting point is 01:28:10 I was laid off. Oh, no. Where were you laid off from? You've been laid? Sweet. Sweet. I did researching for resumes, and so I just found resumes that would fit Jeff.
Starting point is 01:28:28 Research. You researched resumes? Didn't you know you could just go to ziprecruiter.com slash kill Tony? Yeah, super easy. Within 24 hours, they usually find you a job or something. Yeah, that's why they didn't need me anymore. So what do you like to do for fun?
Starting point is 01:28:54 I enjoy lurking from shadow to shadow in dark rooms at comedy shows. How about other than that? Just visiting family. My dad lives in Ohio and he's bedridden. Very boring and sad. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 01:29:17 Did you say he's a veteran? No, well, he is a veteran, but he's bedridden. Bedridden? Oh, wow. That is a veteran, but he's bedridden. Bedridden? Oh, wow. Well, that's a whole different thing. I was going to brag about how this veteran's from Ohio, and now I find out he's fucking,
Starting point is 01:29:32 he can't even get out of bed, the fucking guy. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love you. It's a joke. Ohio's for lovers. Sometimes I got to go a little hard, you know. Tony, fun fact, a lot of our veterans are bedridden,
Starting point is 01:29:44 and, you know, the more you know. I heard it fact, a lot of our veterans are bedridden and the more you know. I heard it. I set the book up. What is it? Why is he bedridden? Is it bad? There's some CSI. Or is he just like one of the grandparents from Willy Wonka?
Starting point is 01:30:02 He stays in bed all the time, but all of a sudden something good comes around. He's like, dippity-doo! Wide awake for the chance of anything! Yeah, the second reason. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 01:30:21 Okay. I'm just looking for a golden ticket if anyone has one. Hell yeah. Are you close with your mom? Oh, she's dead. Whoa! Come on. When live, unproduced, improvised shows go terribly wrong.
Starting point is 01:30:49 I mean, if you're wondering what makes us different than everything else, it's all the parts that would be cut out of the TV show. It's like so much. At the end, we would have a good seven minutes of television here tonight. Hey! I ain't going to lie, she thick as hell, too. I ain't gonna lie, she thick as hell too. I think that's a Michigan thing. It's the crazy bread. What's the crazy bread? Eat that crazy bread just to get a fat ass. You know what I'm saying?
Starting point is 01:31:23 Like a Midwest thing. They don't know nothing about it anywhere else. Italian cheese bread, that's when you go next level. When you get the Italian cheese bread with the extra basil, you go next level. Absolutely. Italian cheese bread with extra basil. You go next level.
Starting point is 01:31:45 Ass get super fat. You go next level. Ass gets super fat. That's me and West shit. That's why you think all our white girls got fat asses. It's Little Caesars. Little Caesars, Papa John's or Domino's. You had to choose one. It's Little Caesars as a whole.
Starting point is 01:31:59 What's his name? Little Caesars? Yeah. It's just Little Caesars. I think it's Little Caesars. Little Caesars? Yeah. It's just Little Caesars. I think it's Little Caesars. Little Caesars is the reason why white girls got fat asses, man. I'm a black man. I'm letting y'all know it, man. It ain't a conspiracy theory, man.
Starting point is 01:32:18 It's shout out. From now on, when girls with fat asses come on this stage, I'm just going to put a curtain above them in front of Danny so that he can't see. He'll just see above their ass. They want to go get surgery. They want to go do ill shit. Just eat crazy bread. Guys with signs that say, talk about the above here.
Starting point is 01:32:36 Extra parm. Extra parm and butter on the crust. On the hot and ready. The weirdest one I've gotten is, look at you all sexy standing bow-legged like that. What? I don't know. I missed it.
Starting point is 01:32:52 I don't know what she said. What'd you say? I don't know, like the weirdest cat talk. That's how you know she fucking with niggas. That's some shit a nigga told her. What, what? You looking all sexy standing bow-legged like that. That's some shit she done heard before.
Starting point is 01:33:05 That ain't nothing she came up with by herself. Is she a lumberjack? That's some shit she definitely heard a nigga say to her. Anyway. I thought that same thing the other day. So I really like your material. I ain't bowlegged. You bowlegged?
Starting point is 01:33:25 Hell no. I mean, she must have You belay it? Hell no. I mean, she must have got that snapper. All right, that's enough. What do you think about Sam's stand-up comedy, Danny? I'm just saying, she broke out the bow-legged talk. Only niggas can bring out. Ain't no nigga. I thought it ain't no cabaret.
Starting point is 01:33:50 We ain't out of cabaret. Is that true? Do you love crazy bread? He's not wrong. I do enjoy crazy bread. With extra parm and butter. I am. Alright, Sam. That's why she can look.
Starting point is 01:34:04 Fun times. Congratulations on everything. It's why she can look. Fun times. She got the FedEx. Congratulations on everything. It's nice to meet you. Look, that's Michigan Field. Thank you for letting me do this. There she goes. Sam Rager, everybody.
Starting point is 01:34:13 I'm sorry. I love it. I love it. I actually think we created a real thing like Crazy Bread Body. Should we do one more quick one? I don't even have no choice. All right. Your final comedian of the night.
Starting point is 01:34:44 Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. This is truly the last one. We are done after this. It's going to be a fast interview. I ain't going to say uninterrupted, man. You're fucking with me, man. Closing out the show for us, it's Diego Atanasio. That's right. All right.
Starting point is 01:35:04 So I'm 31 now, and I'm having kind of a hard time relating to my friends because they're all having kids and buying houses. And they're all trying to convince me how great it is. Everyone with a kid is like, hey, you should totally have a kid. You're going to have all these cool new feelings you never thought you'd have and all these great new experiences. And I'm like, I don't know, man. You sound a lot like me five years ago trying to convince you to take acid
Starting point is 01:35:29 look at least if you have a bad acid trip that wears off if you have a bad kid you got to die first I wouldn't even know what to name my kid I got named Diego that didn't fucking work at all. Like, one time in fourth grade, we had this Spanish class, and the first assignment was to go home and try to figure out your Spanish name. That's right. It's Diego. Like, how much more Spanish did they think it was going to get?
Starting point is 01:36:00 Like, I'm going to come back the next day and be like, Hola, mi amo, Greg Sanders. Boom! Look at that! is it going to get? I'm going to come back the next day and be like, hola, mi amo, Greg Sanders. Boom. Look at that. Beautiful. That's exactly how it's fucking done. You took full control of the room. Shit. I don't even think
Starting point is 01:36:19 I did that for one minute continuously tonight. That's unbelievable. Diego, that's fucking awesome, dude. Thank you. You've been doing stand-up a while. How long? Nine years. Fucking awesome.
Starting point is 01:36:34 And all here in Detroit? No, I started more or less in L.A., actually, the first couple of years. And then I moved to New York for like a year. And then Austin. How the fuck you in here? Last couple years here in Detroit. Last four years here in Detroit. So this is where I'm from. Oh shit. Oh man.
Starting point is 01:36:53 Last four years you're here in Detroit. And what do you do for a living? I don't have a job. What's the last job you had? It's all bad. What's the last job? I got... I worked for, I took classes for this kid in Austin, Texas. It's all bad.
Starting point is 01:37:11 You what? I took classes for him. Like, he hired me to take classes for him. It's all bad. He hired you to take classes. Oh, shit. Yeah. Wow.
Starting point is 01:37:20 It's all bad. In Austin, Texas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all bad. At the, like, what? Texas Longhorns? University of Texas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all bad. Like what? Texas Longhorns? University of Texas. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:37:27 Holy fucking shit. How much does it cost? How much does it cost? It's 400 bucks a week. 400 bucks a week? Yeah. So wait a second. You moved to Texas, Austin, Texas.
Starting point is 01:37:37 Oh, God. It's all bad. You want to get a bachelor's? Come on. Dude, this dude was not showing up to class and making extra money off his scholarships, paying you $400 a week, and you had to learn that shit, and then in the end, you don't even get
Starting point is 01:37:51 the degree? Holy fucking shit. That seems like a horrible deal. Did you go for the full four years? Are you surprised? I failed right away. Served you right. Cheating is bad.
Starting point is 01:38:14 I was doing that. You live here in Detroit? Yeah. Well, we have to end tonight's episode extra fast tonight. Is it extra fast? Well, no. It's actually extra long, but we have to end this part. You ain't getting no crazy, bro.
Starting point is 01:38:30 We have to end this part extra fast, but just to spice some things up and make things a little fun, let's do this right now. How about this? Next time that Kill Tony comes to Detroit, which will probably be a year... Two years.
Starting point is 01:38:46 Yeah, two years. Yeah, no, you're right. Probably about two years. Exactly. If you're still here, you could just do like a regular spot. We'll come out and catch up with you and meet you more. There he goes. Diego Atanasio.
Starting point is 01:39:02 He's on Twitter at Diego Comedy. I mean, if you can make it, two years, 11. We did it. Detroit. Danny Brown. Kill Tony. Live. Make some noise for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody.
Starting point is 01:39:28 He has a great podcast called Jeremiah Wonders He was a little bit of a little nerd over there I got a P like mad bad Powerful nerd One of my favorites Well, I've got some CDs and stickers and stuff That I'll be out front with if anybody wants to come by and say what's up So thanks a lot for coming out, guys. How about one more time for Detroit's
Starting point is 01:39:48 very own Danny Brown, huh? And one more time for the great and powerful Joelberg, huh? Maybe one of the craziest episodes we've ever had. Yeah, needless, literally needless to say. Definitely that.
Starting point is 01:40:10 But a lot of fun. Detroit, you know, they said we get wild and crazy. They said, look out, watch your back. And now I sort of see what everybody's talking about. I had so much fucking fun with you guys. An amazing weekend here in Detroit. Lansing, Grand Rapids.
Starting point is 01:40:30 This stretch of the tour is such fun. Kill Tony episode. So different and wild. This one was so unorthodox and fun. One more time for Danny Brown, everybody. Joelberg, Jeremiah, Brian Redband. See you guys.
Starting point is 01:40:46 Good night, Detroit. We love you. Hey. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. We'll be right back. Ain't it funny how it happens? Ain't it funny how it happens? Ain't it funny how it happens? Ain't it? Ain't it?
Starting point is 01:41:37 Ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't it? Ain't it? I'm a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big Thank you.

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