KILL TONY - KILL TONY #298

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

Jesse Joyce, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/24/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us

live. Not only do we do the comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two shows. It's going to be two separate shows. And it's going to be our 300th episode.

So check out Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company Also, we're going to be in Swansea, Massachusetts San Antonio, Texas Austin, Texas Houston, Texas Fort Worth, Texas And a bunch of new dates are always being added So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates

Also, check out RyanJEBelt.com That's the house artist. He draws every episode, ryanjebelt.com. Tony has his own website, tonyhingecliff.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, tonyhingecliff.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's where you can get the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, everybody. How you guys doing? Make some noise. We're here, the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here. He's all man-spread out over here. Yeah. He's all man spread out over here.

Yeah. He's got his drinky poo already. Yeah. Welcome back, buddy. We just had a fun time on the road. We had an unbelievable show in Toronto, Canada. Sold out to the gullets. That was amazing.

People, comedians waiting out in the rain in Toronto. Waiting outside on the sidewalk for their names to be called in the rain. You lucky Los Angeles sitting down motherfuckers. And we had an unbelievably perfect episode. It was a great episode. It was so much fun. Everything's good.

We're back in town. And Ryan J. Ebelts here drawing tonight's episode. We missed him in Toronto. While you all sit there, he's going to draw tonight's episode. He has a blank sheet of paper in front of him right now, and then at the end, there's going to be a print of this exact show. RyanJEBelt.com to find

all that shit. The official Kill Tony poster. So many fun things at RyanJEBelt.com. Just an all-around great artist and a great guy. Hello to everybody watching live right now on YouTube. This is the number one live podcast in the world, streaming globally around the world.

And if you're watching right now and you live in Chicago, Illinois, good news, I'm flying to you Wednesday morning. I have shows Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, a total of six shows at Zany's in Chicago this week. And then next week, next Friday, already, if you can believe it, it's the one and only, the first ever Kill Tony Mania live in San Francisco,

California. That's two separate episodes of Kill Tony live. Two different bands, characters, two different buckets, two different everything. Two completely different DNA episodes of Kill Tony. Those are episodes 299

and 300. A little fun fact. I believe we're at 294 or something right now. Then I do Comics Mohegan Sun on Caskville, Connecticut for three days. Can you believe that? Yes. I take every gig offered to me. You fancy.

And then the month after that, we are at Venus de Milo in Swansea, Massachusetts. Smack dab right between Boston and Providence. So that's a really huge show. That is a gigantic venue. We're really excited about it. It's going to be a big production, and we're pumped.

And then the week after that, we do not slow down. San Antonio with a Kill Tony and a stand-up show. Austin, Cap City. I found out something cool that I'll tell you later about Austin, Texas. It's going to be an extra special episode. Houston the next night and four stand-up shows

in Fort Worth. Two on Friday. Two on Saturday. Plus, Fort Worth gets their own Kill Tony on Saturday. That's crazy. So four Texas Kill Tonys. That's going to mean that we do six episodes in eight days that's crazy. So for Texas kill Tony's, that's going to mean that we do, uh, six episodes in eight days of kill Tony.

And then Timonium, Maryland, you have me November 29th, December 1st at the goobies joke house. That is not a joke. Everybody. I'm doing a venue called the goobies joke house. When I'm not doing small theaters and rock venues,

I like to sell out to the, you know, just the goofiest sounding venues you can imagine. Goobies Jokehouse. When I'm not doing small theaters and rock venues, I like to sell out to the, you know, just the goofiest sounding venues you can imagine. Goobies. Yes, the Goobies in America. Yes, thank you. And then Dallas, Texas. I'm with you on New Year's Eve. One night only. Dallas. Me and you. Why not ring in the New Year with one of the top young rising comedians in the world? Who's that? Hello. Boink, boink. Silence.

Fun things are happening. Like our boys Reagan and Watkins have a brand new music video out. You can check it out at ReaganandWatkins.com, the new hit song. My name is Jeremiah. There's a big music video right there. And features cameos from the great Red Band and myself and a lot of your other Kill Tony favorites. It's a very fun thing.

Aphrodite's in that video. Yes, yes, yes, she is. There she is, everybody. The legend, Aphrodite. It was really smart for Jeremiah and Pat to use all those Kill Tony characters in that music video. You know what's not smart? Job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes.

But you know what is smart? ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Unlike other job sites, ZipRecruiter doesn't wait for candidates to find you. ZipRecruiter finds them for you. Its powerful matching technology scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with the right skills, education, and experience for your job, and actively invites them to apply. So you get the qualified candidate fast. No more sorting through the wrong resumes. No more waiting for the right candidates to apply.

It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the U.S. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. It really is a great website. My girlfriend uses it

all the time to find new jobs. She goes to a lot of jobs. We love it. And that reminds me, we are on the hunt for new Kill Tony interns. Oh, yeah. So if anyone is free on Monday nights and wants to be put to work.

Yeah, and wants to help out and be a good human being. Help your comedy community. We are on the hunt for Kill Tony interns, but you have to have skills and talents and common sense and shit like that. Just don't think, I think I'm the guy for the job.

That's a part of it. ZipRecruiter.com slash kill tony it's the smartest way to hire so let's jump into this episode you guys ready for this or what ka-ching cha-ching uh every single week i have uh one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show uh this week i am so excited about this this is the return of one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, I am so excited about this. This is the return of one of my favorite comedians, one of our favorite guests on this show. This guy's an Emmy-nominated writer. He's written for the last 12 Comedy Central rows.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Jesse Joyce. Come on. Yeah. Here he is. What can I find a woman like that My ex and current wife Hate that fucking song What's up guys how are you Jesse Joyce is here ladies and gentlemen

Clap again Yay we did it I can tell this is a lot of first time People ever leaving their house here tonight. This is not the most social audience. We have some... That's all right. Well, maybe it was the four minutes of you

listing cities they don't live in at the top of the show that turned them off. Gotta do it. Gotta sling those tickets, baby. You should probably just list cities you aren't gonna be in. It would take less time. I mean, maybe some of the...

Who knows? Maybe some of them are just here for a few days and they live a couple blocks away from the Goobies Joke House in Timonium, Maryland, November 29th. Just say Columbus, Ohio. Say it. So, yeah, I'm glad that you're back here on the

show. We just were working together last month or the month before on the roast of Bruce Willis. And I guess you fucking killed it on that. I was very impressed. Thank you, man. You too. to say, you fucking killed it on that. I was very impressed. Thank you, man. You too. We always all push each other in that room.

It's so fun getting to be mean. Yeah. I don't know if it made it on air, but my favorite one of yours was the Dennis Rodman, he thinks a shoe deal is when you get two at the same time. Yeah. Hilarious. I don't even think anybody ended up doing that one.

All right. Well, it should be said. I like that joke. I know. Well, thank you so much, and I'm glad that you're back on this show. You're always one of our favorite guests, so let's just jump right into it.

The band, we have a band on this show, everybody. Every single week, the band, they become characters. I never know what they're going to be. Last week, they were nerds and billionaires and what were they here? They were detectives. Or no, they were mafiosos or something. Oh, he was a mafioso in Toronto.

And so I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Ladies and gentlemen, let's all find out together. They are the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris on guitar. Let's see what happens here.

Here we go. We have music. Whoa! Whoa! Wow! Lumberjacks, clearly. This is the first time we've seen Lumberjacks. They're dressed

like a Trump rally. Is that what you guys are? A Trump rally? Yeah, that's what I think. Wow. Good look. Here to make America great again, we have some lumberjacks. Look at this. My goodness. It's either a lumberjack

or a Hulk Hogan with anger issues. How you doing, Jeremiah? Fantastic, Tony. And you're a lumberjack? Sort of a Canadian Thor, right? Yes. I make a living chopping down trees and giving it to the local towns.

Wow. Did you just Wikipedia what lumberjacks do right before you came out here? Trying to break it down for somebody of your stature. It's going to be interesting watching you guys be lumberjacks for an hour and a half.

That's for damn sure. Yes, it is, Tony. We have Chroma Chris that looks like an albino Daniel Day-Lewis and there will be blood. And we have Joel and Menace. Are you the one responsible for these beards that you guys have? You are correct, Tony. Tis I.

I woke up like this. This crowd is giving, Tony. Tis I. I woke up like this. This crowd is giving me wood. Oh, here we go. You burned a good one too early. I was just going to say, it seems like that... That was literally our only joke planned for the night. I have a few. Way to assume that was the best one.

I have a few more. Maybe. If a joke falls in the forest. Alright. Maybe they had two. Those are two lumberjack jokes before we even got this thing started. That's crazy, right?

Can I ask why the lumberjack, instead of carrying an axe, is carrying a 13th century crusade battle axe? Have you ever seen what an axe looks like? Trust us, we already got onto Joel Berg backstage for this. Okay, all right. Joel Berg, was it you? Is that what you think lumberjacks cut down trees with? You should have seen them

before we fixed it. They were literally like this, and they're like, are we knights or lumberjacks tonight? And Joelberg's like, you're hurting my feelings. I'm like, it's real life, Joel. Wow. I fucking love it it's real life, Joel. Wow.

I fucking love it. It's just so weird. You could tell that it must be true. So that's not even the show. I feel like Jesse and I could talk to these lumberjacks and make fun of them forever. But we have an entire bucket filled with comedians' names that we're going to pull out a few of them. We're going to meet them. They're going to get a little set and then we interview

them afterwards. I talk with them and we find out more about them, about what they were perhaps thinking during their set, about maybe something they could do better or worse. You get 60 seconds. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or

I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So just when you when you hear the kitty just wrap it up then. You guys ready to start this thing? This is it. It's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. Here we go. We got Lumberjacks, Jesse Joyce, Brian Redband, Ryan Jay already drawing hard. Look at the pencil flying across the paper. Look at this little man bun.

Oh, I wonder where that pencil came from. That is true. It's made of wood. Just saying. Appreciate us a little more. Okay. I pulled the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight

goes by the name of Nikki Fuchs. Nikki Fuchs. Here we go. Here she is. Do you guys think it's weird that I pay a therapist to act like my dead mom? I mean, she does just lay there week after week. So I am that girl who hangs all of her family photos in her bedroom and on her bedroom wall so that when we finally go to have sex, we'll both be reminded of my traumatic childhood.

And I have this idea. Therapist lift drivers, hear me out. I'm paying you, so why don't you give me some goddamn advice, right? Instead of lift, it would be uplift. That's it. Okay. I loved your closer. That's it?

Like a question. With a question mark at the end. I only planned three one-liners. That's a minute, by the way, if you're wondering what a minute is. Oh, wow. I went through it real fast. Time flies when you're, I guess, you were having fun. A little nervous.

Jeremiah the Lumberjack. It looks like I gave her a haircut with my axe. The horse of truth is out of the stable. So Nikki, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years.

Four years? Yeah. Four years? Yeah. Four years? Mm-hmm. Four of them? Four straight years, yeah.

In a row? Yeah. Okay. So like 12 months times four. How many trees is that? How many times have you gone on stage in those four years, would you say? A lot. A lot.

Like six? Okay, Brian. All here in Los Angeles? No, no, no. I'm not from Los Angeles. Where are you from? Baltimore. Baltimore, Maryland.

That's where McGuby's joke has to start. Near Timonium, Maryland? Yeah. McGuby's? Yeah. November 20th. Have you performed at McGuby from? Baltimore. Baltimore, Maryland. You mean near Timonium, Maryland? Magoobies? Yeah. November 20th. Have you performed at Magoobies? No. I think she means she's from Baltimore.

Bald. Bald. Bald. Timor. Looks like Joelberg's still warming up a bit back there. Slit your throat with that accent. Looks like we're dealing with Koldberg as of right now He's not quite warmed up yet Nine more to go

Oh, that's right If he has ten bad jokes in a row He has to get an official Kill Tony tattoo on stage Yeah, that's the deal I'm not getting the name Tony on my body. Alright. Well, I'll count that as a second one in a row.

I guess I am. So Nikki, what are you doing in Los Angeles? I had a job interview today. You're just visiting and you had a job interview? What was the job interview for? I'm a scientist. You are? Wow. And I'm a scientist. You are? Mm-hmm.

Wow. And I am a lumberjack. What kind of scientist are you? I make drugs. Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Wow. I guess the family feud is calling or something like that. That seems interesting. It seems like you should talk about that. Oh, yeah. I should, definitely. Do you? Yeah, I do have a few one-liners about science, yeah. Yeah, like what?

Can you give us a one-liner? Oh, I have a good one. What did the male scientist say to the female scientist? I make more money than you. Oh, I have a good one. What did the male scientist say to the female scientist? I make more money than you. That's a good one. No, I'm just kidding. What did he say?

He said nothing. He just interrupted her. Oh. Wow. You got some angry ladies back there excited. But I would use my version of that joke. That was pretty funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. So what kind of drugs are you making? So right now I make biologicals. It's a type of monoclonal antibody oh is that anything like for hymns.com no oh that's like if you have cancer or like it's like if you have cancer or like autoimmune disorders or like asthma so you seem like because you have like tattoos you know you have that haircut. You know, you don't seem like a scientist.

Isn't that crazy? Do a lot of your other scientist co-workers look like scientists, like glasses? Yeah, they're all old men. Really? Mm-hmm. And you were able to break into that industry. I was. See, that's also interesting.

Yeah. You should talk about that. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, definitely. For the stand-up set. Yeah, talk about that. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, cool.

You should also address the fact that your shirt is the curtains in my one-year-old bedroom. There's little foxes on her all over her shirt. That is adorable. It's cute. It's very cute. Anyway, are we going to give her a constructive criticism? If you want to. No, whatever's very cute. Thank you. Yeah. Anyway, are we going to give her constructive criticism? Yeah. If you want to. No, whatever.

Go ahead. You go. It's your show. I'm not. No, I mean, I'm going to find out more about your visit here. So did you come here for the job interview? Yes. And that was today?

That was today. How did it go? It went really well. Really? Yeah. So like, it's for a full-time job here in Los Angeles making biote-whatevers? A different kind of drug, actually. But yes, it's actually called cell therapy.

So it's kind of the future of biotech. Cell therapy? Mm-hmm. So instead of producing proteins out of a cell, you're actually using the cell. You're actually taking your own cells and reprogramming them. Wow. Is any of this going to make michael j fox walk again only if he has cancer i guess with science unless what only if he has cancer he probably also has cancer i mean it looks like a lot is wrong with him um is there any

progress in cancer for real though like like is, is there some... This is huge. This is huge? Well, because basically what they're doing is for people who have certain types of blood cancer, they're getting your own T-cells, which is an immune cell. I don't know if you know. And they're taking them out. You say tree cells?

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And they're reprogramming them. No, T-cells, it's what happens. You lose them when you have AIDS, which is something you're also dressed like. You'd be familiar. The forest is calling.

So, Nikki. They look like backup village people, don't they? Like ones that didn't make it. It is impressive. Well, I guess they're just leaving. Jeremiah needs help. Did I do that? Did I make them leave?

No, no, no. They'll come back. Once you go lumberjack, you always come back. Back. Okay. So, Nikki, when do you have to go back to Maryland? Tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning. Are you a doctor?

Do you have a doctorate? No, I just have a master's. Okay. Wow. Where'd you go to school? Johns Hopkins. My goodness. That's a good doctor's school, right? I went to John Chopkins. I count that one. Yeah, there it is.

There it is. It has begun. Joel Berg has arrived. No tattoo tonight for Joelberg. It's not going to happen. John Hopkins. He was so excited to say it. I think he said Don Chopkins, too.

He didn't even say John. Why is that funny? That's where I went. All right, Nikki. Well, I mean, you know, the set was, you know. It was tough. Yeah. But you got the party started for us.

It's not an easy position. And thanks for signing up and coming on. There she goes. Nikki Fuchs. She's on Twitter at N-F-E-W-K-S. N Fuchs. Interesting spelling. The Twitter handle is different than the spelling of her last name.

Okay. You guys get it? You having fun yet? All right. Your next comedian, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of David Lucas. Here we go. David Lucas. I see go. David Lucas.

I see movement. He's walking up here. Chroma Chris strumming that guitar. Here he comes. Oh, I know David. Make some noise one more time for David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. I'm from the hood. Anybody else from the hood?

I knew I was from the hood because my mom bought us the hood version of Monopoly. And every space on Monopoly was go to jail. In hood Monopoly, you start off with a light bill in your name Like damn I just started playing How the fuck I owe $1200 already You can't buy shit in Hood Monopoly You can only rent

The pieces in Hood Monopoly be like a Chuck Taylor you can only rent, you know what I'm saying? The pieces in Hood Monopoly be like a Chuck Taylor, a pit bull, and a Cadillac with a spare tire, nigga. The Chance card in Hood Monopoly be like, you took a chance and fell asleep in a car with two niggas that robbed a liquor store, take your ass back to jail. Alright, man. Thank y'all. Fuck yeah.

David Lucas. Beautiful. Nice. Great joke. Hood Monopoly. Hood Monopoly. I was going to say, there might be a thing where you could do where at the end you say, they still have the shoe

but it's hanging from a telephone pole You know what I mean? There you go But they don't do that no more, when's the last time you've been to the hood? I saw one in Detroit When does it look like the last time I was in the hood? Very frequently, sir You look like you serve papers

You might have gave a nigga some court papers or some shit I've seen The Wire. They fucking hang shoes, right? No? That's what white people do. They watch a whole bunch of black television shows. Y'all get a kick out of that shit.

You probably got like a black fetish. All right. Well, fuck it. Oh, shit. David taking shots at the guests over here. My God. Relax. I have a fucking tag.

I have a fucking Emmy nomination for writing. What the fuck do I know? Go ahead. Do it your way then. Do your joke. Hood Monopoly is fun. That's a fucking fun thing. It's a great joke. I appreciate it, man. That's fun. Did you write that

recently? I wrote that joke maybe like three years ago and just started back touching on it. Heck yeah. That's fun. Added the little, you can only rent in Hood Monopoly like three weeks ago. Yep. So I was like, let me bring it back out.

What would the community chest be? Jake, I don't fuck with chest. It's not even chest. I don't know shit about no chest. There's probably like... Fucking perfect. Perfect. There's probably like... Fucking perfect. There's probably like a tag that all the streets are Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.

Like the whole... Yes. I like this joke. I want to help it. No, I like it, bro. It sounds like an actual game. Maybe it's made by the... Yeah, you should fucking sell this game. It's made by...

Sell this fucking game. You'll make a lot more money. Is the game made by the Parker Brothers. Yeah, like you should fucking sell this game, actually. It's made by Tony. It's a stand-up. Sell this fucking game. You'll make a lot more money. Why not? Is the game made by Parker Brothers? There you go. Joel Berg's still here. Fuck it.

I've been trying to get that one out for about a minute and a half, but you beat me to it. There you go. We're going to trademark it on the Kill Tony show tonight, nigga. I love it. I love it. So, how's life going? How long have you been doing stand-up? I started when I was a teenager, so like nine years.

I've seen you do quite a lot of roast battles. There was a period in time where you were taking on a new person every week upstairs. It was like an open challenge. Yeah, and then it got to the point, like I got emotional on stage. Not in like a sensitive way way but in a way like I wanted to like fight the other opponent because like roast me motherfucker not my daughter you know what I'm saying oh I just quit but when you know like you about to you know what I'm saying I do not have a daughter I have no idea what you're talking about you just stop while you're

ahead before you do something that you'll regret right so. You know what I'm saying? So that's what, I just took a step back, and I'm on the show on R. Def Digital Roast Me, so they pay, and they get millions of views per episode. Heck yeah. So it's like, fucking, I'm still roasting. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're damn motherfucking right. I don't know exactly what you said,

but now I'm a little bit afraid of you, and so I'm just gonna agree and definitely not make fun of your daughter. That's what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to say a goddamn thing about her. I'm sure she's at home right now playing Hood Monopoly, just being a good little girl. Hood hopscotch. So, David, is that what you do full time?

Yeah, write, act, and live on my family money. You know what I'm saying? Ooh, family money. Yeah. Really? What kind of family money do you come from? You ever heard of the record label Slip N' Slide? Hold on.

Wait, what? Slip N' Slide. Slip N' Slide? Yeah, with Trick Daddy, Rick Ross. Yeah, my family own that. So, like, my family ain't broke, you know what I'm saying? I come from, like, a suburban hood family. When you say Slip N' Slide, you mean the thing with water?

Slip N' Slide, take it to the house. Trick Daddy. Y'all niggas know what this is. You know what I'm saying? Are you talking about the... It's a record label out of Miami, dog. It's all black people. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be mean. I wasn't expecting to tell black people to

shut up. Now I feel bad. It's a record label out of Miami. They all just, you podcast listeners, they all just started singing a song for some reason. When David said Slip N Slide. It's a record label out of Miami. It was very popular in the late 90s, early 2000s. You're talking about Slip N

Slide. Slip N Slide. The only Slip N Slide. It's a record label. Here's the thing. I just learned this also. But, like, I'm just I think our assumption was like maybe I don't know Maybe his whole fucking life. He's obsessed with Children's games and toys and things yeah four minutes. I'm a lot monopoly so like I was also thinking slip inside Yeah, I thought it was like two seems like black people would love slip and slide because you can't drown and I slip and

Hey And I slip and slide. Hey, man. You can't make your own sound effects. You can't do that. I like that, Tony. I like that shit. Welcome back to white people explaining hip hop. If you listen to old, you ain't never listened to Trick Daddy, Trina. Oh, of course. Grime Mode. Yeah, of course I know Trick Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Slip, that's when he was still on Slip and Slide. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so cool. Teddy Lucas.

What's that based out of, Atlanta? No, Miami. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah, that's where I'm originally from. That is so cool. How long have you been in Los Angeles?

Like seven years. Hell yeah. Yeah. Well, that's so awesome, David. Put the school out this motherfucker. Hell yeah. Yeah. Where? Like seven years. Hell yeah. Well, that's so awesome, David. We put the school out this motherfucker. Hell yeah. Where? UCLA, dog. Really? Yeah, yeah. Black people with tattoos can have degrees too, nigga.

Damn. These people that we've had so far do not look like what they are. Like I always tell people, I don't know what the fuck education look like. I don't know what education look like. Education don't have a face.

It's true. Education don't have a face. You know what I'm saying? It's true. I went to private school my whole life up at the high school. Well, you're bougie. Yeah. Give me fried chicken fried in avocado oil. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're bougie. Yeah. Give me fried chicken fried in avocado

oil, you know what I'm saying? Oh my god. I don't know how to relate to this. Well, David, I mean, fucking perfect interview. Such an interesting background and life that you have now, and congrats on a killer minute. I love that Monopoly bit. You nailed it. There he is.

David Lucas. Follow him on Twitter. All one word. David Lucas funny. Instagram. David Lucas funny. Exactly how it sounds. All one word. David Lucas funny. Yeah. Heck yeah. I love what's going on over here.

There's a little fucking... We got a little touch of the Apollo in this room tonight. It's just one little section. That's what I'll call you. That's what I'm going to call you guys. The Apollo 13 over there. Ha ha. Oh, man. That was terrific.

God bless you. That was a great joke. I've been smoking less pot before Kill Tony's lately, and I realize I'm funnier when I smoke a little bit less pot. Okay. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. You guys ready to meet another human being? All right. Make some noise for Julian Aguilar.

Julian Aguilar. Julian Aguilar. Here we go. Back in that lucky corner again. From the lucky corner. That corner, because it is the longest walk to the stage, always has some people. One more time, everybody, for Julian Aguilar. What's up, fuckers?

What's up, y'all? I have a cat. He keep teasing me. He walk in front of me with his ass up. I just want to fuck it, but pussy don't like to get wet, you know? I had sushi last night. She didn't shave, so I can put a little hot sauce on it, you know? I like to add a spice.

You know, spice things up. Listen up, motherfuckers. Goddamn. Shit. I'm gonna spice things up. Listen up motherfuckers, goddamn. Shit. If black people can't see, do they know they going into the light? Cause I know they can feel hell, that shit hot as hell, you know?

Okay. Okay. Okay. Wow. Woo! Man. I could tell you're Mexican, Julian Aguilar, because your set went south real quick. Started off guns a blazing with one of my favorite openers ever

he could not follow gravity like that was the funniest thing that happened was fucking the microphone fell I'm sure you podcast listeners maybe heard it but as soon as he touched the microphone it jumped for its life to the ground

and started off with a what's up bitches touched the microphone, it jumped for its life to the ground. And started off with a what's up, bitches? After you dropped the microphone? Fuckers. He dropped the microphone, what's up, fuckers? That was my favorite combination of things. The sheer fucking confidence

that you had to call us all fuckers a millisecond after you fumbled the microphone out of your hand. And then you launched straight into bestiality and lost the rest of the room. I do it.

Why do you want to fuck your cat? Julian, this is interesting. Why do you sound like that? Why do you sound like you're from the hood? Why do you sound like Floyd Mayweather decided to kidnap one of Oscar De La Hoya's children? Like, what's going on exactly? I do stay in Compton.

I stay in Compton. I don't know. So you stay in Compton. Not I don't know. That is the answer. You staying in Compton is why that's that. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I got a new black friend, too, so that's how he talks. You have a new black friend. Yeah.

There's the Apollo 13. My favorite's the one just shaking her head right there. It's the most beautiful thing. Just fuck. How old are you? Nah, I don't want to say. I like to keep people guessing, you know. But I am. I'm old enough.

You're 21. This isn't to catch a predator. You can tell us how old you are. I don't understand what this guessing... Anyway. My goodness. And are you Mexican? You're wearing a Brazil hoodie, but I'm not buying it. No, I'm white.

I was born here in America, so... Oh, your parents are illegal. I get it. After Trump got elected, Mexicans started wearing Brazil stuff. David, how long have you been doing... Because they have more Miss Universes. That appeals to Trump. He gets it.

I didn't know they had Brazil sweaters on Gilligan's Island. So how long have you been doing stand-up, Julian? One year. One year. One year. Yep. And it's something you take pretty seriously? I've been coming here. I've actually been coming here for the whole year, and I just got on.

Here, on Kill Tony. You've been coming here for a whole year, and you finally just got pulled out of the book. Wow. That's so cool. Well, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. So, Julian, you look like a little kid

I know, I know What do you do for work? I'm not working right now No? Disgrace to Mexicans He's not Mexican Oh, you're not Mexican He's white, remember?

He's not really white That is an area for jokes, by the way How young you look. I got bits about that. Let me hear a bit about what you look like. You led with sodomizing a cat. I didn't do it. Let's hear one.

Right. Let's hear one of your bits about how you look young. Can you imagine me with a baby? I mean, I like babies, but I also like them to shut the fuck up. Wow, all right. Turns out you don't have any bits about how you look young.

That's a bit about not liking babies, Julian. You son of a bitch. Man, I feel like you'd be a star on the Disney version of Portlandia. Oh, come on. I like Nickelodeon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Julian, you're clearly, I mean, you can only, my guess, be 22, 23 at the oldest. So, what do you do for fun?

What is a kid like you nowadays? What are you guys into? I like to just fuck around with people and shit. Yeah, like what? I don't know. When I ride on the metro, I like to act like a crackhead, too, just because there's crackheads. Yeah, like what do you do to act like a crackhead? No, no.

Do you want me to act? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want you to act like a fucking crackhead No, no. Do you want me to act? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want you to act like a fucking crackhead, Julian. No, no, no. Yes. No, no. What are you, shy? You're at the comedy store.

No, no. Look out there and act like a crackhead. Let's see what the fuck you're talking about. Who knows? There might be an SNL recruiter out there right now. You could fucking... All right. Wow.

You just look like ice is after you. Man. Because you're a cold bird. Other than acting weird on the Metro. Is that what they call the Metro in Compton? Or do they call it a young Metro? That was just for the Apollo 13. I knew you white people wouldn't get it.

Honestly, Tony, there's enough tracks in black communities to name it whatever you want. Tracks, weaves, fucking... Jesus, maybe just take a breath. Meditate for a second back there, Jolberg. You're just talking absolute nonsense at this point. Just because your baby baby cousins up here bombing doing crackhead impressions.

So, Julian, what else? I mean, you must be into other things. Do you have any other hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I write BMX and shit. Really? Sometimes, yeah. I actually just fucked up my hand coming over here. Oh, gross. Wow. How'd that happen?

Fucking bushes. I don't know. They got thorns or something. Fucked up my hand coming over here. Oh, gross. Yeah. Wow. How'd that happen? Fucking bushes. I don't know. They got thorns or something. I just passed by and fucked it up. Wow. Wow. Do you drink?

Sometimes. I have to be in the mood, though. I don't. My dad's a drinker, so I don't really. Right, right, right. Was your mom specifically around a certain time 22 years ago? Like a nine-month period I'm thinking of in specific? Is she a... All right, I'm sorry.

No, listen. You're like... I feel like your jokes start funny and then like... Like I want to... I really want to think you're funny. Like I enjoy your appearance and you're funny. I enjoy your appearance and you're like you know what I mean? You have a likable, adorable

quality to you but just don't talk about fucking a cat in the asshole. I'm not saying you can't talk about it but that was the whole punchline. I want to fuck a cat in the asshole. You know what I mean? You're better than that. You are better than a wet pussy joke.

I look innocent, and that's how I throw you off. No. No, but it's just like a shock value punchline isn't enough. Right. It's got to be good. I technically look innocent, too. But you have to write. You can't just say, wet pussy.

Right. It has to make sense. All right. You got more, by the way, you It has to make sense. All right. You got more, by the way, you got so much love from just being innocent. And then you went dark. You dropped the mic. You said, what's up, fuckers?

Like, you had it. And then, you know, is that your thing? What? Like, have you done that, the drop the mic thing before? Like, I know you didn't do that on purpose. Oh, I've done it before, yeah. Oh, that's like one of your go-tos. Drop the mic, say what's up, fuckers.

Alright, well, Julian, you are your own thing. I feel like you're eventually, you know, gonna have some breakthroughs and things like that. Thank you, thank you. You're doing it young, so that's a good start. There he goes, everybody. His first time ever on Killtone. He's been signing up for a year.

Paid his dues. Signed up for a year, and the first thing that happens is the mic fell out of the mic stand. Can you imagine that? One year of preparations. He does not look 21. He looks like a good

16. Yeah, they're probably going, the security door guys are probably going to tackle him on his way out. Like coming from anybody else, it doesn't sound as gross as when you say a good 16. A good one. Specifically when Red Band says it. It has like too much edge. Clean feet, those kids.

Oh, God. Crying. Cat butthole. Oh, God. Okay, this is a one-word name. We love one-word names. I don't think this person's ever been on this show before. Let's make some noise for Jonathan. All one word.

J-O-H-N-A-T-H-A-N. Wrote his name in pink. No? Nope. All right. Well, Jonathan has been blacklisted. Sure. There you go. On to the next one, and it is

Bill Banger. Bill Banger. I'm not seeing movement. There's no Bill Banger. Blacklisted. They're banging each other. Geez. Oh, man. On to the next one. Let's try it again. How about Dan Donahue? Geez, oh, man. My God. On to the next one. Let's try it again.

How about Dan Donahue? Oh, there we go. Here he is. Dan Donahue. How's it going, guys? I just stopped working a construction job, which I'm pretty excited about. Construction, if you don't know, it's pretty easy. All you need to do is buy your own boots and be okay with people admitting to murder to you those two big prerequisites uh i've had three different people on three separate occasions

admit to murder to me which uh makes me mad not at them they became my best friends but at the justice department because the justice department spends millions of dollars every year training police interrogators which i now know complete waste of money if you want someone to admit to a murder you don't interrogate them for an hour you spend five minutes drywalling with them they'll admit to every horrible thing they've ever done i know when someone's about to admit to murder now, which is a weird skill. It's pretty easy, though.

It's real easy, because they always say the same thing before they do it. Does anyone know the phrase they say? Here it is. It's easy. One phrase. Here it is. I'm not proud of it.

Fuck yeah. Dan Donahue. That was a fun set. Was this your first time on the show? No, a third. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dan Donahue. That was a fun set. Was your first time on the show? No, a third. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

I just don't remember you. Is that a new mustache or something like that? A new mustache. It is a new mustache. Yeah, brand new mustache. Yeah, I'm starting to sort of remember you. We've made fun of that speech impediment. There it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't remember the face, but the slur, you got it. Hell yeah. Right. You can't forget that. Can't forget it. So, Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on three years now.

Three years. All of it here in Los Angeles? No, it started in Boston. You started in Boston. Are you in any relation to Phil Donahue? No, not at all now, unfortunately. It would have been good. No.

What does your dad do? He was a yoga teacher. He was a yoga teacher, and he passed away. Passed away. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he die from? He was a yoga teacher. He was a yoga teacher and he passed away. Passed away. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did he die from? See, that yoga is bullshit. Yeah. Always said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heart attack. Oh, my God. He was still stressed out.

It's so weird. Yeah, that is weird. He thought he was doing downward dog. He's dying. The joke is he was doing downward dog and got hit by a UPS truck. You have to do the physical. No.

It's not going to make it any better. Maybe you should just unplug the mic. There's something wrong with Trollberg. I think he's having mini strokes. Sometimes he's dialed in. Sometimes he's just shoehorning something. Thought he was downward dog. There's evened in. Sometimes he's just shoehorning something. Thought he was a downward dog. Like, I mean,

there's even... Alright. My problem was so bad that it carried on to you right now. Okay. So, Dan, how long ago did your dad die? About three, four months ago. Three or four months ago. That must have been hard for you, huh? Yeah, it was tough. Yeah. Now your mom's all alone?

Yeah. Well, they were divorced before, so. Oh, okay. She's all set. Yeah. Oh, okay. Does she have a boyfriend or anything like that? Husband, yeah.

Oh, she remarried. Oh, yeah. How long ago did they divorce? They divorced when I was like 12. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. So like 50 years ago.

About 50 years ago, yeah. Right. I am 72. He just said that he knows three people who've killed someone, and you're fucking trying to get them to talk about his mom's divorce. It's so funny, because in my head right now, I'm like, how do I make this a bit, like, I can't do it. Yeah, it's terrible.

Don't just answer the questions honestly. I got you. So, is that true, that you've had people admit to you that they've killed someone? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Well, not all when I was working construction, but I have like three different times when I was working. Did you go to the police or anything?

Nah, you just let that shit slide, baby. Wow. Yeah. Wow, that's a very interesting approach. Yeah. Hell yeah. You know, you got to talk to them all day, and it passes the time, you know? Right.

Wow. I didn't realize. What do you usually follow up with when they say that? You seem to be very comfortable in that situation. Honestly, like, by the third one, I'm just like, yeah, you got to do what you got to do. That's pretty funny, actually. That should be part of the joke. Do you know that? Yeah, that yeah yeah yeah you don't hang

out with these people like out of work or like no thank god no beers and no i've never had to uh one of the guys though i worked like right next to him like the whole day and like he that was he admitted to that like the first 10 minutes of working with him. Wow. Yeah. Were these all like murders like, oh, you know, like he planned them or was it, you know, like. That one, I mean,

gang related. The first one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Wow. Gotta do what you gotta do, you know. I guess so.

Dan, so is that what you're still doing? Construction? No, now I work as a physical therapy aide. I actually, yeah. I feel like you're still doing, construction? No, now I work as a physical therapy aide. I actually, yeah. I feel like you're still wearing the hard hat from the construction job while doing physical therapy.

Am I right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of physical therapy do you do to people? So I'm just like assisting a physical therapist. So basically it's like lifting people out of wheelchairs and stuff, like a lot of that sort of thing. Oh. Yeah. Is that fun? Lifting people out of wheelchairs? It's rad, of that sort of thing oh yeah is that fun lifting people out of wheelchairs it's rad yeah but i mean like is i mean i mean that you know is it like rewarding

do you feel like you're helping oh sure yeah it's the first time i've ever done where i actually like feel good going into it yeah yeah do you ever talk about your speech impediment on stage um i talk about being in special ed which is kind kind of like, you know, a little bit. But no, not directly. And they did have you in special ed? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is it just a speech impediment?

So wait, so you wore like a helmet from grade school through like three months ago? No, it was really easy. I just kept the helmet. It was nice. Yeah. So is it just a speech impediment or are you dyslexia and dysgraphia? So what's dysgraphia?

Like my handwriting looks terrible. Basically, it's nothing crazy. The second I saw you. Yeah. Bad handwriting. Yeah. I thought dysgraphia was the name of one of the ladies in the Apollo 13. Hell yeah. Still got it.

All right, well. So Dan, I mean, have you ever, you have a girlfriend? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have you been with her? A few months now. Hell yeah, right after your dad died.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One door closes, another one opens. There you go, baby. So what does she do? She's an assistant to a lawyer. An assistant to a lawyer? Yeah. Look at you guys.

Who might be very interested in a couple of unsolved murders that you seem strangely familiar with. Yeah, we don't mention those around her. I smell a podcast. This guy's like a walking cereal. Heck yeah. An assistant to a physical therapist. Assistant to a lawyer.

We're so close to success. Hell yeah. So, so far. Well, that's fun. What is she... What do you think she sees in you? Good job. Just everything but the voice,

pretty much, I think. Yeah. You have a solid wiener. It's all right. It's all right. I don't know. It's been five years and four months. I got to ask new questions every once in a while, all right?

Is there a reason for the mustache? I mean, like, are you covering something up? No. Okay. Oh, like a cleft lip? Is that what you're asking? Yeah, or something. Yeah, no, no, I'm not.

Good question, though. Okay. I feel like it's like, I feel like you are, you know, starting to look like the type of guy that helps people out of wheelchairs. I'm pretty sure that Ben Stiller's character in Happy Gilmore that took care of Happy's grandma looked exactly like you in that movie. You're right. It's one of those you have to see him. I implore you to watch the YouTube and not just listen to the audio of Kill Tony. It's fun.

You'd see his 70s porno stash. And there you go. Since we're talking about looks, last time he was on the show, I said he looks like if Freddie Mercury was one of the Wahlberg brothers. There you go. Man, you were so much funnier last time he was on the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, thanks for the memories. Leaning on callbacks now? Yeah, he's doing a flashback episode. Let's go back to that episode. All right, everybody. There goes Dan Donahue. There he is.

What's up? There he goes, Dan Donahue. Wow. That's fun. I don't think we've ever had anybody admit to being a confessional. It's kind of fucked up. I mean, if somebody told me about murder, and I'm just like working at Kinko's or something,

I'd probably tell somebody about that. Yeah. And then the second time it happened, you'd go like, I really should definitely need to do it. Wow, this is how I find out Red Band's a fucking rat. Yeah. Of course.

Okay, I believe I've seen this name once or twice at least. Make some noise for Josh Fromer, everyone. Josh Fromer. Lucky corner again. The lucky corner. Here he comes from deep, far, far away. Here he comes.

One more time for Josh Fromer. I saw in the news the other day that Chris Evans will dress up like Captain America and go visit kids with terminal diseases in hospitals. That's pretty cool, right? And then I thought to myself, how fucked do you have to be before a famous superhero comes and visits you in the hospital? I'm not talking about like an orderly and a Batman mask. That could be for anybody.

But if it's Wonder Woman, but the actual woman that plays Wonder Woman in the movies, your parents lied to you about you just being in there for a cold. I thought that'd be so much better. I mean, how does that conversation go between doctors, right? Hey, little Timmy's not doing so good. Should we try something new? No, you know what? Let's just call in the Justice League and have them pay him a visit. That's all I got. Thanks, guys. All right. There you go.

50 seconds of Josh Fromer. Yeah. All right. Well, hello. Hey, what's going on? Is this your first time on the show? You know, it's funny. It's a minute.

Because a guy a few times ago mentioned that he had been signing up for a year. Uh-huh. And I had last been on the show, episode 219. Wow. So that was like in June of 2017. I've signed up every single week since then with the exception of like one. Wow. And I haven't got up yet.

Well, there you go. Yeah. Wow. The bucket of destiny has kept us from that Justice League bit you just did. Yeah. How'd it go that time? It went terribly too. I mean, it went alright. It went okay.

Okay. Well, let's talk about it. Do other sets go good for you? Other places? Yeah, sometimes. That was just a new bit that I've been doing for literally like a week. Try to help me understand what you were getting at. When you said something about goal,

right? That wasn't the goal. Like what was that punchline supposed to be? Cause I couldn't quite even understand what it was supposed to be when you got there. What do you mean? Yeah. Right after Wonder Woman, you say something like,

well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That wasn't the goal or that was the goal or something like, or coal,

maybe something gold, cold. Oh yeah. So I said that if you're a sick kid and you're lying in the hospital, all of a sudden Chris Evans walks in in a Captain America uniform, you must be really fucking sick. Yeah. And then I think your parents probably lied to you about you just being in there for a cold. It might be something considerably more serious. That's the best part about this joke is that, in essence, you've made the victim the sick child.

Yeah, yeah. There's other ways to go. You can make fun of Chris Evans for fucking dressing up in his movie costume. He could just hire a Postmates guy to dress up like, you know what I mean? Yeah. No, I don't know what you mean. You can make it about Chris Evans. You can make it about somebody else

other than the sick kid. Right. Maybe it's like, hey, kid, remember how we told you you had the flu? Well, you know who else flew? Superman. You have cancer. Like that. I don't know. No, that's pretty good.

Is this coming from a soft place in your heart like have you seen a dying kid recently or something no um think about this um i'm gonna tell you what happened i saw an instagram post where literally the lady that plays wonder woman was visiting a kid in the hospital and i commented on it boy you really have to be fucked if a superhero comes and visit you in the hospital and it got 5 000 likes where was this at on world it was on a barstool wow yeah it got 5 000 and literally like i've been doing stand-up for like a year and a half so i went this was like two weeks ago and i went and just kind of wrote down a bit and said oh you know i'm gonna try that on stage and see if it you

know if it gets 5 000 likes on state on instagram maybe it'll get some laughs and yeah what did we learn it didn't, it didn't. What do you do for a living, Josh? I'm actually unemployed right now. Yeah, you look like an out-of-work Nickelodeon host. Oh, do I really? Yeah. Like you used to do a spin-off of Guts and things just

didn't go. No. You look like if Kermit the Frog became human. What was the last job that you had? I worked as a photographer for an automotive advertising company and I fucking hated it. My boss was a huge dick so I

just left. When you say your boss was a huge dick, what would he make you do? He was one of those people where he admitted to me one day, Josh, I know I give you... He killed somebody. Yeah, I thought he was going to say murder. What the fuck?

Sometimes you got to do what you have to do. He said, I know I give you 16 hours worth of work to do in an eight hour day, but you are a little bit behind. So that was his whole thing. He was always bitching at me that I was falling behind, but he acknowledged that he was giving me too much work.

And then he fired you. I quit. Oh, did you quit in like a cool way or anything? No, I just sent him a text message, and I was just like, hey, I'm going to leave my equipment right here, and I'm going home. Wow. And that's all I did, yeah.

And what did he say? You piece of shit. He was just like, oh, are you serious? Are you really serious? And I said, yeah, and this is the work phone, so i'm leaving this here too and i just left that there yeah this is like a dillbert cartoon yeah yeah it's really impressive josh yeah so how have you been surviving how long ago it's been since you quite oh that was like two months ago um what i did is i had another car uh back home in new y, and I sold that for a good chunk of money.

So I've been living off that money. What kind of car was it? I had a Corvette. Wow. I had a pretty new Corvette, yeah. Wow. That you had from photographing for an ad agency? No.

I got it years ago. I got that car when I was like 25 years old, and I had it. I got it. It was pretty much brand new when I bought it. Oh, yeah. It was mint condition, had like 5,000 miles on it. How were you able to get a brand new Corvette when you were 20? So, yeah, my dad had a Corvette that he never drove.

And he was like, hey, this car means a lot to me. I want you to have it. I can't drive it. He couldn't get it out of it. So I then took it. I sold that. Oh, Jesus. And then I sold my own car, and I went and bought this one.

Was your dad pissed off? No, no. I told my dad I was thinking about it, and he was like, I'm going to feel bad. He's like, don't. That new car is sick. Do it. Yeah. So I did it.

Yeah. Your dad says sick? Yeah. Sick, bro. Yeah. He's like, so am I. I'm dying soon, son. Yeah.

Is your dad still alive? Yeah, yeah, he is. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, never mind. Him and your dad still alive? Yeah, yeah, he is. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, never mind. Him and your mom still together? Yep. You have a girlfriend? I do, yeah.

How long have you been with her? We've been together since April. Since April. And are you close to running out of money? No, no. It's kind of cool because I've actually, I was living down here in West Hollywood. I had an apartment just literally

just down the street from here. I left that. I gave up the lease on that, and I just moved in with her in Pasadena. I'm very lucky. She hasn't. I'm like, hey, do I owe you rent? Is there anything I could do? She's like, no, it's all good.

No, she just wants that sweet, sweet fucking Dilbert coffee, right? Yeah, exactly. She wants to wake up next. Waking up next to this every morning is payment enough. That's basically it. Yeah, what does she do? She works for a studio. Yeah, I don't next to this every morning. Is payment enough? That's basically it. Yeah, what does she do? She works for a studio. Yeah, I don't want to say which one.

But it's funny because she actually took me to work today and showed me her office, and I got to hang out and play video games and eat food while she was working. Bring your kid to work day. Yeah, exactly. My God. What do you think she's getting out of this?

I mean, I've never seen a girl treat a guy with such unimposing shoulders with so much respect. Yeah, neither have I. For those of you listening to the podcast, he has the shoulders of an infant Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there is no backpack in the world that he can wear. He just can't do it. He sold the Corvette because the seatbelt didn't fit.

Oh my god, I just keep picturing him trying to put on a backpack and it keeps sliding all the way down to the ground. You literally got that Corvette from inventing the fanny pack. Josh, you literally have no shoulders. Yeah, I'm a skinny guy. It was funny because I...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tony's also a skinny guy. I'm a skinny guy. Yeah, yeah. But you don't have fucking shoulders, dude. No. You don't have shoulders. No, I don't.

Do you wash your hair with head and... Do you wash your hair with head and... Joel Berg's back, everybody. A little... That's great. He is back on his throne, taking a heavy breath of relief for you podcast listeners. We thought you'd never be back, Joel. Have you noticed this before?

We were about to give you the cold upper arm part. Did you know you don't have shoulders? Is this a new discovery for you right now? No, I've been brutally aware for my entire life. 34 years, yeah. It's always been that way. People are like, man, you don't really have any shoulders, Josh. What happened? Did someone

super strong once give you a massage and just fucked you up? No. They just rubbed them all the way, fucking chiseled them down? I can't explain it. Doesn't it hurt for you every time you put on a scarf and it just slides right off? My god. It's here.

My God. Yeah. That is incredible. I'm a freak. I don't know. If he was a pirate, he would have just a little canary sitting on his chest. I mean, I've been aware of it my whole life. But I don't think until this point anybody articulated to me that.

Let me tell you right now the standout thing about you. I mean, definitely in the history of Kill Tony, smallest shoulders. Wow. That's great. That's great. I just feel like I got the world on my. I mean, it's fucking incredible. Yeah. Does it affect you in other ways?

Is there other ways? Oh, all right. Not having shoulders, like just having arms connected to your neck like that? No, but I dislocated this shoulder or where it would be on most people. Yes, I haven't been able to locate your shoulder all night. Oh, that was beautiful. all night. You must watch this podcast. Look how funny it looks on the screen. You have to watch this part

if you're listening to the audio. Whatever. Oh my god. Do you have jokes about how you don't have shoulders? You need to start immediately. I dislocated a shoulder. I dislocated it five times, but two times are kind of funny.

One was playing video games. I got mad, and I threw the controller down and popped my shoulder out. What the fuck? Yeah. And the second and final time I popped out my shoulder, I was having – You were having a toast? No. I was having... You were having a toast? No, I was...

I was having relations with a girl I just met. Yeah. And she had driven me to her house. We were at a bar, and I was a little drunk. In the middle of relations, my shoulder popped out. I didn't know what to do. In my panic, I called my dad. And he gave you the cold?

Yeah. I did that one. I did that one. Yeah, that's okay. So let me ask you something. Yeah. When you say you were having relations with that girl, what do you mean exactly?

Oh, we were having sex, yeah. Oh, you were having all-out sex. Yeah, we were right in the middle of having sex, and I literally like oh shit and she's like oh did you come i'm like no my fucking shoulders popped out she's like what shoulder yeah she's like basically this arm was hanging down like this and that's how she noticed yeah wow yeah my god that is incredible Yeah. So she drove me to the hospital and waited in the emergency room for me. Like I said, called my father. Right. And my dad walks in and I didn't tell him I was with a girl. And he walks in, he looks at me, looks at the girl and he's like, oh, shit. Wow. Yeah.

And then the doctor came in and he's like, we have bad news. You have no shoulders. Yeah. he's like, we have bad news. You have no shoulders. Yeah. Well, Josh, you got to be up here for an extra five minutes thanks to not having shoulders. That's how this show works. You have to talk about that on stage, though. I will, yeah, absolutely.

Take everything that we said and just fucking do it because I've never in my life seen anybody with less shoulders. I'll never be able to do anything with that joke, unless, of course, I'm one day on the dais of the roast of Josh Fromer, which, let's face it, ain't going to fucking happen. No, no, it's not. Uh-uh.

All right, well, there you go. Awesome, thanks. Be careful putting that mic back in the mic stand. There he goes, Josh Fromer, everybody. Come on, give him a hand and And shoulders, if you have them. Be careful. My God. You know when you buy a jacket

and it has those shoulder pads in it and you're like, why does this have this? I bet he's just like, fuck yeah! Yeah, so excited. My God. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. It was amazing.

How about one more time for him? Josh Fromer. Okay. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Make some fucking noise for Michael Gonzalez. Here he comes. We have movement. Anything can happen.

Here he comes. Michael Gonzalez. What's going on? I'm really glad that I make it up here tonight. I just realized I look like the emo lumberjack of this band. Maybe, like, I was the reason why they voted for Trump to keep me out. You know what I mean? But I'm a little older, a little nervous.

I noticed I watch or experience Facebook different than my girlfriend. She watches like cakes and puppies and I realized I look at people that have died. And so I noticed my coach had died and it really bothered me, you know, because he used to say, Mike, what the fuck's wrong with you? You know what I mean? And some people are really good with kids. I'm not. But this other guy that I went to school with,

I think about this guy like three times a year because he had the biggest dick I'd ever seen in real life. You know what I mean? Is that the end? You'd ever seen in real life. You know what I mean? Was that the end? You can keep going. Finish that. Yeah. So I wasn't really close to it.

And I can only describe it as like the rope that tugboats use to bring tankers into port. It was fucking amazing. Okie dokie. Michael Gonzalez. I didn't expect to have a panic attack because I got on stage. Is this your first time ever on stage? No.

I actually was an open mic host until the comedy club closed and I don't think it was my fault. I've got another question. Did you steal the last guy's shoulder? I was thinking, I'm actually really good at quick comebacks. I've had a lot of the comics that come to my show come up here, and they're like, we can't wait to see you.

I just fucking ate dicks. I got nervous. It's all good, Michael. Just relax. I believe in you. Thanks. I like your style. You're one of the funniest home plate umpires we've ever had on the show. And I'm excited to talk with you more and meet you. I can see both sides of the plate with the size of my head.

Okay. All right. It's that one, right? No, not that one. Ladies and gentlemen, the San Francisco Giant. Thank you. This is Sam. Okay, Michael. Are you a baseball fan? Not really.

When you're a man of my dimensions, it doesn't matter what the team is. You just buy clothes that fit. And so that's why I got this hat. Okay, Michael, maybe you're not funny after all. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at? Claremont Flappers. I'm kidding. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. Where at?

Claremont Flappers. It just closed. Claremont Flappers, and it just closed. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work for Southern California Edison. Oh, the power company. Yeah, I deal with billing of the stuff that our computers can't do.

You deal with the billing of the stuff that your computers can't do. You deal with the billing of the stuff that your computers can't do. Oh, okay. So what does that mean exactly? Like businesses, like solo areas, like if it's off the grid sort of? Yeah, so things that don't have meters, like it's really boring. It's probably worse than my set that I just did if I were to explain it to you. Yeah. I highly doubt that.

I'm just saying. You walked us through two very personal deaths in a minute. So what were you trying to say? That on Facebook a lot of your friends are dying? Yeah, so the whole premise was that

I'd gone and looked at my alumni and and I saw that my coach had died. And then after I saw that my coach had died, I saw that this guy that I – literally, he had the biggest dick I'd ever seen in real life. How did you see his dick? I was out at lunch, and I wasn't even close to it. It was like 20 feet away. What the fuck? Was it between bread? He was at the senior table.

I was a freshman. And he just dropped anchor. And it was huge. What do you mean he dropped anchor? Just was like, hey, everybody. And just it was the biggest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Wow. So you're at lunch.

You're eating. Yeah, I was eating. He's just like, hey, everybody. And he pulls his dick out. Yeah. And that joke is killed every time I've used it. At the Claremont Flappers. At the Claremont Flappers.

That's why it's... Welcome to reality, my little friend. I'm going to be using it on Thursday at the Ontario Improv. Oh, shit. We'll see how that goes. Yes, we will. Yeah. Hey, who knows?

You know, I mean, it might do good. There might be, you know, there might be. Well, so why do you need to mention that your coach died? Was that have anything to do with, you know, a guy with a giant dick? So it's a, again, I was like really super nervous, but it's a play of just how this person like touched me in an emotional way by being cool. And then just... It sounds like you need more than a minute to fucking really stretch your arms.

Right, right. But I knew I was nervous, and so I had to use that energy to try and feel like I was emotional. So I thought I would try and flip it that way, but it didn't work out. For those of you listening to the podcast, there was a moment just now where Chroma Chris grabbed the microphone and I got so excited I almost fell out of my chair. Chroma Chris, are you going to say something? I was just wondering if your coach and the guy with the biggest dick are the same guy. No. No.

No, different guys. Different guys. Just the way you're telling the story, it seemed like it was the same guy. Chroma Chris, you talk so rarely that I'm pretty sure

you could say anything and it's just hilarious. Anyway. I actually got a text message that like there were, that my girlfriend's brother's friends

were here in the audience. They saw me and were like couldn't wait to see me on stage. Here tonight? Yeah. So now I know that I've bombed in front of them too. That's shitty. And my cousin that came out. That was awesome.

Oh man. On top of that, your coach died. And my coach died, yeah. And who knows? No bright side to any of this. That guy with the gigantic dick is probably you know, he probably follows you on Facebook. You're going to brag about this on Facebook. He's going to click on the link

and he's going to be like, ha ha ha ha. Yeah, but he's dead. That was a whole part of the joke. He bombed and I still have a big dick. No, he died. Oh, he's dead. That was the part. Everyone in that set is dead. That's right. Everyone he mentioned is a dead person.

Yeah. And then he thought he could fucking dig himself out of that with ten remaining seconds. How did the big dick guy die? Did he accidentally hang himself? I have no idea. I have no idea. I found out literally like a few weeks ago. And all his blood went to the... Ah, fuck.

Wow. Wow. A few weeks ago. And all his blood went to the... Ah, fuck. Wow. I think I'm about like six now. That's close. Michael, you're a big man.

What do you attribute a lot of that size that you have to a lot of that mass? What's some of your secrets? What is it? Ice cream at night? High fat diet, low exercise. Pretty much that's all it is. Last time you exercised, what was that, you think? I think I ran here to the stage.

That was it. Oh. Yeah. The red band diet. Yeah. Yeah. I got, I think I got, uh, like, maybe 1,200 steps so far today. So that's good.

Yeah. Huh. All right. Ant, are you afraid about perhaps the inevitable? Oh, of dying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And the thing is that my fiance is 17 years younger than me.

Oh. Yeah, and so I told her, I'm like, listen, I will not be in your golden years. So just. Wow. Okay. So let's talk about this for a second. Yeah. You're getting married to a young lady who is 17 years younger than you.

How old are you, Michael? 42. 42 minus 17. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 42. 25.

25? Yeah. It doesn't look like math is your strong point you. Yeah. What are you doing? 25. 25? Yeah, it doesn't look like math is your strong point. How long have you been dating her? Two and a half years. Two and a half years? Yeah. Man, so you started dating her when she was 22.

Yeah, against my better judgment. Why? Why do you say that when you say it? She was too young for me. Yeah. I kept saying, you're way too young for me. Yeah. And so she kept asking me to marry her over and over and over again. I'm like, it's not going to happen.

She's Latino as well? No, white girl. Really? Yeah. A white girl wanted to marry you? For some god awful reason, yeah. Why do you think it is? No idea.

Oh, look at that. Definitely. I heard a white girl! Look at that. Definitely. I heard a white girl was in danger. From a Mexican lumberjack. Wow. What does she do? She works in the medical field. When I met her, she was a head scribe at a VR department.

So has her head on her shoulders. But for whatever reason. That's like the opposite of the last comedian. There's a guy who's up here with a terrible disease. He just had a head, not on any shoulders. You're like, what is his girlfriend like seeing him? It's like not a shoulder to cry on. Like I was thinking that.

There you go. There you go. It's funny. Even when you're funny, it doesn like not a shoulder to cry on like I was thinking that oh there you go there you go that's even it's funny even when you're funny it doesn't get a laugh there's something you have a very

interesting dynamic it's an unlaughable delivery apparently have you ever thought about just going on a diet

though and losing weight and like you could outlive your girlfriend if you took care of yourself yeah yeah probably

it takes a lot of work. You know what I mean? How's it going for you? Great. I've lost 40 pounds in four months. Doing what? Yeah. Keto. He's just eating a bunch of meat. Yeah, I just eat meat and cheese

and drink. That's all I do. I tried to tell her that, but she eats this stinky-ass cheese that is horrible. You don't have to eat what she eats. It's terrible. Jesus, you hate cheese? Is that what you're saying right now? I don't really like cheese.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't like sour cream either. Wow. That's impressive. You're just rattling off all the Chipotle ingredients from the back to the... All right.

How do you feel about guacamole? Love it. I'm really good at it. All right, moving on. All right. Okay, Michael. Well, we wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself. Thank you.

There he goes, Michael Gonzalez. We're getting through it. We're flying through this episode. Every week on this show, we have a regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single episode. We just took him to Michigan with us where he did Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Detroit. And anyway, he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, he's here for us again. The great Malcolm Hatchett, everybody, with a brand new minute. Como estas? Okay, Spanish people are here.

I gave a homeless man $20 to buy drugs for me. Because he knew a guy. I sleep in the car, so I watch a lot of Tree V. My favorite show is when leaves fall. Come on every autumn in the parking lot. After shows, people always come up to me and say, hey, I found you online. Cool, because if you found me in the parking lot, that'd be creepy. Because I'm probably watching Tree V, and I, hey, I found you online. Cool, because if you found me in the parking lot, that'd be creepy.

Because I'm probably watching TV, and I don't want you to see that. I like a police car because it let me know their occupation, police. Just like taxis, taxi. I wish all cars let me know their occupation. You know, nurse, Instagram hoe, homeless man, stolen. This guy is a thief and the car can vouch. man stolen.

This guy is a thief in the parking voucher. Fuck yeah. Brand new minute. Malcolm Hatchett. Hell yeah. What was that first joke you did again? I can't remember, but then I... Oh, I gave a homeless man $20 so he can buy drugs for me. And then what'd you say?

For you, and then what? There was one more part after that. Oh, because he knew a guy. I know a guy. It's like the drug dealer. Right, right, right. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. And plus, if he gets arrested, he has a home for the night. Something like that, right?

Or something. I don't know. Fuck yeah. You did it again. That's fun. Yeah, I liked it. I think you have a good delivery too Oh thank you, you got nice eyes Thanks man No homo We took a nice thing and you just fucking ruined it

How's life going man? Oh it's cool, I deliver pizza You're delivering pizza now I thought I did see that on Instagram Wow and you're delivering it you still haven't quit no I haven't quit man cuz he's so cool man like how many days is it really do you seriously live in your car yeah I live in the car I just got nice outfits wait see you yeah the Don Knot collection yeah This was $12. Yeah, he's lived in his car since we met him, like,

probably six or seven months ago. Has a 24-hour fitness membership, parks outside. He has a whole crew of people. They all live in their cars, and they all hang out outside 24-hour fitness. We live in our houses. Is that the same car you deliver pizzas in, though? Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I'm trying to make bits out of it. That's fucking gross.

I sleep in the car. You work from home? Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I'm trying to make bits out of it. That's fucking gross. You work from home? Yeah, yeah. Like, if I ordered a pizza, what happened? What did he say? He said you work from home. I can't do that because everybody who Uber

says it, so I can't do it. Oh. Plagiarism. Oh, okay. Humble yourself. No, never mind. No, I see.

I thought the same thing. I was like, fuck. Somebody said it. Yeah, I don't work around the same thing. I was like, fuck. Somebody said it. Yeah, I don't work around people that also do UberX, so I had never heard that joke before. I take UberX. It just seems like a health code violation, don't you think? To deliver pizzas in the same vehicle that you fucking sleep in. Yeah, it's cool.

You know what I mean? You jerk off in, for example. No, I never what I mean? You don't jerk off in your car? Ever. You've never jerked off in real life anywhere or just in your car? In my whole life. This is a breakthrough that we're having right now.

I've known you. Sound that alarm. That is the possible first ever lie that we've ever heard from Malcolm Hatch. I don't know. He told me this in a hotel in confidence. Can you imagine me jerking off? Look at me. He never jerks off.

Really? So shit. I told him this shit. So shit. I like, dude, so shit. And then I jacked him off. Nah, he bullshit. I don't know what's worse, though.

I lumberjacked him off. So, do you just have wet dreams every day? Initially, I was upset by the idea that somebody would be delivering a pizza to me, and that pizza was in the car that they lived in. Yeah. Now I'm more upset that the thought of a pizza guy coming to my house who's never masturbated. Yeah, what the fuck is that? I'm so serious. I'm so serious. I just feel like the people I grew up with back home haven't either. the thought of a pizza guy coming to my house who's never masturbated. What the fuck is that?

I'm so serious. I just feel like the people I grew up with back home haven't either. I don't know, bro. Where the fuck are you from? I'm from North Carolina. I said the joke before. I was just trying to work it out. I'm going to make it a bit.

So what's the closest that you've come to jerking off? I had a wet dream when I was younger, but I was just patient enough to wait. So wait, what did you just say you wanted to do when you were younger? No, when I was younger, but I was just patient enough to wait. What did you say you wanted to do when you were younger? When I was younger, I had wet dreams in my bed. I lost my vagina when I was 19. Fuck it. The only time

that you finish is when somebody makes you finish. Yeah. Isn't that the real deal? The vagina. I feel like that's like a hood thing though, right? Like you've been drinking off his gay. Hold on, hold on.

Let me check with the Apollo 13 here. Is that true? Wow, they seem to agree. Hell no. That's my dog. Wow. For real, man. You can always tell though because white people got the little slimy hands and shit.

What? Black people's shit be rough. You know what I'm saying? Oh, you working. Oh, you beating your meat, you know? For real. It's like jail. No offense, but I got that grip, motherfucker.

Wow. That is impressive. Did you know this, Jesse? I was also unaware that masturbation was a white stereotype. I didn't. That's new information to me. We eat watermelon, y'all jack off. Wow.

Fuck it, you know, it's cool. Squirt, squirt. I guess so. Wow. I mean, that is incredible. How old are you? 24, Nickelodeon. Okay.

That's the channel it came on back home. I'm so sorry. No, that is incredible. How old are you? 24, Nickelodeon. Okay. What? I didn't get that. That's the channel it came on back home. I'm so sorry. No, no, I'm aware that that's a channel, but is it 24 years old? Yeah, I'm 24 years old. No, Nickelodeon. No, that's the channel that came on TV back home. I'm so weird.

I'm sorry. On channel 24. Yeah, channel 24. What the fuck is happening? I see what you're saying. He said 24, and then he said Nickelodeon. Oh, that's the number of the channel. You're just a brain! You obviously don't watch Tree TV like

hell yeah. That's my dog. That's my boy right here. Tune in. Man. So like if you ever have to like take a nap or something like that, like is there anything that you do other than since you don't jerk off? Like is there something you do to relax yourself? I go to a lot of mics and get frustrated and I just go to sleep. Yeah, I mean that has to build up.

Frustration, candy knock me out, a lot of sugar. If I do not masturbate every 10 hours, I sodomize squirrels in the woods. You're a freak freak. Alright Malcolm, well we learned a lot about you here tonight. I'm an Aries, I'm honest. Maybe. Cat and bone. Oh, you're a freak freak. All right, Malcolm. Well, we learned a lot about you here tonight.

I'm an Aries. I'm honest. Maybe just try it once. Hell no. You might like it. I mean, I like it a lot. Brian, weird. Yeah, are you...

This is weird. Is part of you resisting trying it because you're afraid you'll like it? Nah, I just ain't trying to do all the work, dog. It takes 30 seconds.

Hell no. Wow. I don't know what's going on over there, but your voice went up. I could do it fast. My girlfriend walks the dog. I get two minutes in and out. God, what a great relationship

you and your girlfriend have. She walks the dog. He eats in and out. Hey, babe, I think the dog needs to go outside. Alright, Malcolm, you did it again. Another fun brand new minute from Malcolm Hatchet Everybody, the sensation So fun He's gonna be at Kill Tony Mania

I'm happy to announce October 12th, live from San Francisco Two Kill Tonys in one night Tony, I have a bone to pick with you Oh yeah? Don't have Malcolm do it. Yeah. Yes, go ahead. At the five-year anniversary, I did an impression

of you. Oh, yeah. And I did the gigada, gigada, gigada, right? Yes. As an impression. You said you've never said that. Yes, I know for a fact I haven't. But I actually have audio proof right now that you have. Okay. So I just want to... Okay, let's hear it.

Thanks to the great Rick Kosick for putting me onto this, not to bring him into this. It's from the Joe Rogan podcast. Here we go. Yeah, here we go. Here we go. Have you... Okay.

Something like that. Just like five insulting words. Just gag at it, gag at it, gag at it, I gag at it, I gag at it. Gag at it, gag at it, gag at it. All right, fuck you guys. I guess I did that. Is that something you do a lot? Like Joel Berg, did you hear him do that before? No, it's like five insulting words, just gag at it, gag at it.

I mean, that's a different gagada than what you were doing, but I see... I gotcha. It is the exact same. No, no, no. He was saying that... What's the one that you said that I did? Gagada, gagada. No, that's not true.

Gagada, gagada, gagada. It was a little faster. Okay, we're splitting hairs here. I feel vindicated. Moving on. Yes, thank you. I'm glad. Look for it on Instagram tomorrow.

Yeah, no, that's not something that I do that often, or else you would have heard me do that before. Yeah, but it's just weird that you did that noise. I doubt you heard that. It's a deep cut, you're right. I watch a lot of YouTube. That is definitely a deep cut. I'm giving an example of some type of like, I think, what's the dialogue there?

UFC or something like that? Or wrestling or something? Oh, yeah, a bunch of jokes in a row. That would have been that. Giga. Right. Yeah. That would have been the... Giggity, giggity. Right. Giggity.

Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. That's what the golden pony sounds like when he gallops up to my house. Like, giggity, giggity. Okay. Anyway. Oh, shit. Okay, Joel.

What do you guys want to do? Go back to the bucket one more time, huh? Or do you want to see the last guy come out here and masturbate? Yeah! Place goes nuts. Gaggity, gaggity, gaggity! Okay. Here we go.

This looks like a new name for sure. Make some noise for Hakeem Hakouch. Hakeem Hakouch. Hakeem Hakouch. Hakeem Hakouch. Hakeem Hakouch. Hakeem. Oh, blacklisted. What the fuck just happened?

Really? No Hakeem Hakouch? Seems like someone that would be here. I want to do my Lion King voice thing too. Yeah. Okay. Make some noise for Handren Se voice thing, too. Yeah. Okay. Make some noise for Handren Seavey, everyone. Handren Seavey.

Here we go. Here he comes. Oh, we know this guy. Yep. He's been on this show before. Thank you. I was born and raised at home on a farm in Maine and homeschooled for many years.

This is what that's supposed to look like, okay? They're all fucking copying me out here. Yeah, I can fell a tree and I know what that means, all right? I'm from Maine. I love Maine. It's a beautiful place. The one weird thing about Maine is there are racist people in Maine. And I've always found that weird because I'm like,

where did you see enough of any other race to hate them? You will have people in Maine come up to you and be like, you know the thing about Mexicans? I'm like, I don't, neither do you. We've never seen them, so unless you say they're invisible, I can't really get on board. But when I moved, I moved from Maine down to Boston a few years ago. And when I moved, I sold my car, which is scary to be like, there goes backup house. And I got a bicycle and I ride a bicycle around. I wear a helmet, maybe a light at night if I'm not too high to forget it.

But I really feel bad for those people who wear a lot of lights and shit because I think how dumb do you feel when you still get hit? You're just laying, blinking on the ground. There you go. Hans and Stevie. What were you going to say? Those people, they get hit, and then they just lay there blinking and shit. Blinking.

Like, fuck, didn't you see me? You're like, no, he saw you. That is why he hit you. Fuck, yeah. Ten points for this firefly. What's up? All right. There you go.

Very comfortable hand, Trin. Thanks, man. Yeah. So that was fun. I mean, you talked about real shit, where you're from. I like the, you can't be racist because you don't know what they're... I've never seen them.

Right. I have four favorite races. It goes Latino, black people, Asians, white people. I only put white people last because they've wronged me more. And I think that's all the races. I only put white people last because they've wronged me more. And I think that's all the races.

I do not like this man. Yeah, wait. Can you say it one more time? What's the four races? 50, 500. Latinos number one. Because I worked Yeah, and Joel's friend. Yes, keep naming. Black people are second because

as I've gone out into the world, black people are the only people who talk to me out in the wild. Hold on a second. Let me check in with the Apollo 13 on this one. Would you guys talk to this guy? Aphrodite, come on. You're your own little

queen bee. I'm asking my new friends over here. Let me tell you why. I said that once, and I got off stage, and a black woman came up to me, and she goes, I talked to you. And I was like, yeah, what is that? And she goes, you look like you've been hurt. And I was like, I'll take that. And see?

Yeah, I do, right? And in my mind, I think black people like to talk to me I think in reality they see me they go just he's never met a black person before we're gonna go say hi before he ends up on the other team and all right I'm pretty sure one of them is going to beat you up after this. I think you're wrong. That's my guess. Fair fight. Steal your hat.

So how long have you lived here in Los Angeles? Do you move here from Boston? Yeah. I've been on before. I spent a year on the bus. Yes, I remember. Yeah, you lived in a bus. We live here now.

You live in a bus? You and your wife remodeled a school bus. Is that right? Yeah. And we lived a year on the road in the bus and now we've been here about three months. That is so cool.

Where do you park the bus now? The bus is parked, if you can find it, it's on a random street in Silver Lake. But we have an apartment now but the bus is empty. Don't fucking think about it.

It's on Airbnb now if it's in Silver Lake. Yeah, yeah. If you want to find it, we'll rent it to you. But yeah, it's just parked on a random street there and we got a place in Silver Lake now. Wow. Does it run? Does the bus run?

It needs new tires. It could make it to Santa Monica. Right now we pull it ahead three spaces and then we pull it back three spaces about every week so it doesn't get tickets if you need new tires rubber actually comes from trees i'm your guy most of the idiots in here did not know that i still don't really is that really true yeah yes rubber trees point proven Really true? Yes. Rubber trees. Rubber. Point proven. It's not like rubber's falling off trees.

I mean, it has to go through a gigantic processing factory. No, it literally just falls off the trees, and they collect the goop, and that is rubber, and then they melt that shit down. Thank you, white brethren. Now you are not friends with the black people. Now you are not friends with the black people. That high five solidified it after I called you brethren. Go back to playing backups on Mumford & Sons.

You want to see a magic trick? What? Wait a second. What the fuck did you just say? You are becoming lighter by every word. Do I want to see a magic trick? Yeah. Sure.

How fucking uncomfortable are you with silence? Like there was like two seconds where nobody said anything and then you were just like, I have a magic trick. Yeah, I do want to see a magic trick. Apollo 13, you guys want to see a magic trick? Fuck yeah. He's fighting around the top of a can, and he just opened the can with his teeth.

That's a main type of magic trick, where you watch me eat this can. That's what I do. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck? Don't do that. I'm going to cut your lips and everything. That is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen anybody do.

For those of you listening to this show, he just basically chewed off the top of a can very cleanly, extremely precisely. The fuck? Is that something you taught yourself? I learned it from a Swedish guy. Wow. That is interesting.

I thought when I saw your comedy, I'm like, this guy is going to be an opener forever, but that's not the kind of opener that I thought you would be. A human fucking can opener. Very impressive. All right. Yes, he's drinking out of the sharp-edged part of it.

Watch the show, everybody. Watch the show. Why were you homeschooled? I didn't mention that, but I was. Thank you. Actually, you did, but it would be fucking awesome if I just nailed you at homeschool. It's so fucking great.

Emmy-nominated psychic, Jesse Joyce. Like you were homeschooled. No, I was homeschooled because I was dyslexic, and my parents thought the school system was fucking up because they're libertarian, and they're like, we can do better, and then they took me in for four or five years, and they're like, we can't do better, and they put me back into the system,

and I was way behind when I went back in because I just skied and built tree houses. Right. I like that. What kind of wood did you use? A nice fine maple. A nice fine maple. That will do.

These lumberjacks are asking some of the toughest questions here tonight. So, Handren, give us one more little fun fact about you. Anything crazy that we wouldn't expect about you other than the fact that you can open fucking cans with your teeth? He looks like everybody from the novel Tom Sawyer.

There's that. That's an interesting... You do look like if they did a remake of that picture with the guy with the pitchfork and the lady standing in front of that house. The American Gothic? Super yeah, I get that. You look like Abe Lincoln just chose a different hat. Wait a second, I'm out of theater. This isn't good.

Uh, no, uh, I, uh... It's not surprising. I was a pro skier growing up. That was my first goal in life, was to be a professional skier. And you succeeded at that? You actually got paid to ski? I did.

The best I ever got, I got 20th in the U.S. Open for half pipe. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's not that surprising. No, don't fucking clap for that. That was 15 years ago. That shit doesn't matter. Wow. Boo!

Boo! 20th. Wow. Boo. Boo. I hate you. I hate you. Thank you. My parents are here. You suck. They're here here? Not here.

Here? No, they would just boo that. That was all. Oh, I gotcha. What kind of wood did you ski on? Oh, a good, it was a fine maple. It was a fine maple. Not good for the snow.

All right, Handren Seavey. There he goes the snow. All right, Handren Seavey. There he goes. He's on Twitter at Handren Seavey. H-A-N-D-R-E-N-S-E-A-V-E-Y. What do you think? You guys think one more real quick one? Yeah. All right.

That's crazy. If you get into professional skiing, it's either Olympian or then guy lives in a bus. You know what I mean? Those are the two levels. It is... Yeah, I mean, that seems like a tough gig to make it. Skiing.

Well, he didn't, is the point. Yeah. Yep. 20th in the country on the halfpipe 15 years ago. Makes you wonder who's next out of this bucket, right? All right.

We're going to end the show with 60 seconds with someone by the name of Mark Sully. Mark Sully. Hey. Wow. Look at that. Apollo 13 crowd. One of the Apollo 13. Come on, make some noise.

Your final comedian of the night, Mark Sully, everybody. What's up, y'all? I'm so tired of elevators taking a dip every time I get on. And you know what I'm talking about. It's like it's catching a breath, you know? Like it's bracing itself. Like it's like, oh, shit, we got a heavy one. All hands on deck. And it's fucked up. Because I mean, I'm not heavy, I'm just big

boned. I drank all my milk growing up, you know? I got strong bones. A lot of calcium flowing through me. I was not expecting this. All right. Hey, I'm tired of the ghost slamming doors in my house like he pay bills. I don't know what the fuck is eating at Casper, but I know damn well you better stop slamming doors because there's only so many times it could be just the wind, okay? Shit. I'm gay, if you couldn't tell.

I thought the sharp soprano in my voice gave that away. But yeah, that's all I got right now, man. I was ready to go home. Fuck yeah, that's all I got right now, man. I was ready to go home. Fuck yeah, Mark Sully. I love that Casper ghost joke. I don't know what you meant by elevator taking dick. No, I fucked it up.

Because it's like, I'm tired of elevators taking a breath every time I get on. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes, Lumber Joel. I was going to say, I didn't know the grimace was transgender. Oh, wow. Jesus. Really going for it there, Joel.

So, Mark, you've been on this show before, right? Yes. Yes, and that was fun, correct? It was fun. It was a good time. I had fun. And here you are. I love your energy.

Thank you. On a show filled with people that don't sound like and are what they look like, if you saw them from across the street, you're right up there. It's your contrast of how you sound. Like, you sound like me, and you look like you. Yeah, yeah. For you podcast listeners, he's like a gay Rick Ross or something like that. Like, when a dick goes in his butt, he's like, whoo.

You're like, weed abreast. If I ain't ready, sure. Hell yeah. You got some of that gay back music. You like that one. Nobody laughs at my gay Rick Ross joke? Alright, fuck you guys. It was great. Oh, I said that last time you were on? That makes perfect sense.

Gay back music sense Hell yeah Fuck yeah So Mark how long have you been on stand up Since January Since January Wow I really enjoy everything you're saying too That was fucking hilarious

Just stepped on Jeremiah's shoe Yeah but then he called him baby It was really funny. Anyway, sorry. I'm experiencing some new feelings. You got wood? Heck yeah. Yes.

Might be going from the lumber to the slumber tonight, huh? Y'all silly. So, yeah, so you've been doing it since January. Yeah. Are you loving it? Yeah. I fuck with it, yeah. It's a been doing it since January. Yeah. Are you loving it? Yeah. I fuck with it, yeah. It's a good time.

Wait, stand-up? You've only been doing stand-up since January? Since January, yeah. Wow. Yeah, you really seem to know what you're doing. Yeah, even though you didn't really want to fill your minute, your stage presence and your, you know, the way that, you know, the way that, I mean, it's very engaging.

It's a good time. You're such a promising. Good time, punk. That's good. Hell, yeah. You from L.A.? No, it's very engaging. It's a good time. You're such a promising... Good time, punk. That's good. Hell yeah. You from L.A.? No, I'm from Miami. Where's David?

Yeah. Yeah. We got another Miami boy up here. How long have you lived in L.A.? Two days ago made a year. I hit my year mark. Two days made a year. Hell yeah.

Congratulations. Have you ever sang on this show before? I never sang. Do you have a good singing voice? I mean, I sing, yeah. Really? I feel like you have a really good singing voice just by the way you talk. Thank you.

You know what, Jeremiah? I think you spotted it out. Would you mind giving us a little example of those pipes? What the hell? Would you mind? Sure. I don't know what to sing. What is that?

Do you know this one? It's called Overture by David Nolan. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Come with me and you'll see. I thought he was going to start floating. You can sing whatever you want, Mark. Take it.

These people just want to fucking be crushed. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day. I spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Hell yeah. We see you

coming out that closet door. Fuck yes. Maybe you should sign up for American Idol instead of throwing your name into a plastic pumpkin to have Tony dick on you for 45 minutes. You're like R. Kelly if he pissed on dudes instead of throwing your name into a plastic pumpkin to have Tony dick on you for 45 minutes. You're like R. Kelly if he pissed on dudes instead of girls. Been there.

Mark, I... Wow. That's true. Look at you, you evil little black bear. Mark, I'm going to tell you this. We've got to wrap up the show, but, man, I truly... I'm going to take a gamble here,

and I'm the same guy that said this to Preacher Lawson and Drew Lynch. You've got to keep doing this, and you've got to keep working hard because you are such a promising personality. Seriously. Mark Sully, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. We did it again. That's another fun episode of Kill Tony.

How about you make some noise for motherfucking Jesse Joyce? October 15th through the 19th, he's going to be in New York City, fun episode of Kill Tony. How about you make some noise for motherfucking Jesse Joyce. October 15th to the 19th, he's going to be in New York City, so if you live in or around New York, check out Jesse at the Comedy Cellar. He's a regular at the Comedy Cellar, and he's going to be there in October.

Wow, look at that amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. It's a tree. There's Jesse, me, Red Band, the Lumberjacks. How the fuck do you do that? Ryan J. E. Belt. It's a tree. There's Jesse, me, Red Band, the Lumberjacks. How the fuck do you do that? Ryan J. E. Belt is an absolute freak. Make sure you go to ryanjebelt.com and check out that drawing tonight.

Kill Tony Mania is only two weeks away. And then Venus de Milo in a month. That's a big one. And Texas in November. So make sure you get motherfucking tickets. And ZipRecruiter.com. We absolutely love you. November, so make sure you get motherfucking tickets. And ZipRecruiter.com. We absolutely

love you. If you're looking to hire people for absolutely anything, you could try it right now for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the US. Yeah. Without a doubt. And it doesn't depend on

candidates finding you. It finds them.S. Yeah, without a doubt. And it doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. Jeremiah Watkins has a brand-new music video out at ReaganAndWatkins.com, a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders, one of my favorite podcasts to listen to, where he brings out the true goof in some of his guests and also really good interviews, too. Really compelling.

It's fun. just like this show. I feel like it gets better and more comfortable every week. So make sure you go check out Jeremiah Wonders. Thank you. Brad Williams is the guest this week on Jeremiah Wonders. Lee Syatt will be next week from

the Church of What's Happening Now. And thank you to everybody who came out in Toronto. That show was amazing. Chroma Chris, ladies and gentlemen. How about that, huh? Chroma Chris, you want to say anything? Yeah, just follow me on the Instagrams. I got some shows coming up. There you go.

How about you make some noise one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Still got a shirt coming. I love you guys. Thank you. Peace. Live audience, thank you so much. We got Kill Tony shirts in the lobby also, so check that out. Heck yeah.

Thank you so much for coming out, everybody. Have a great night. See you guys. Thank you. Thanks for watching!