KILL TONY - KILL TONY #299

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Todd Glass, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 10/08/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us

live. Not only do we do the comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two shows. It's going to be two separate shows. And it's going to be our 300th episode.

So check out Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company Also, we're going to be in Swansea, Massachusetts San Antonio, Texas Austin, Texas Houston, Texas Fort Worth, Texas And a bunch of new dates are always being added So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates

Also, check out RyanJEbelt.com That's the house artist he draws out ryanjebelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode, ryanjebelt.com. Tony has his own website, tonyhingecliff.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, tonyhingecliff.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's where you can get the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Fan Company Live from the real famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Hi, everybody. Make some noise here at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here. Hey. Fuck yeah. And the great Ryan J.E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode.

Is that yours too? There's a little sloppy mess tonight. A lot of beverages. And here we are. Hey, look, it's Josh Martin, everybody. The great and powerful Josh Martin dressed up like a real grown football player today. How adorable is that? Hello to the thousands and thousands of people watching

live on YouTube right now. Good day to you. And wherever you are around the world, it's important to remember that Keltoni travels all around the road too. And we've been having a lot of fucking fun lately. And this Friday, we're about to have a lot more fun. There's still just a few tickets available for the first ever. No, the second show only, though. Second show only, right. The first one sold out. First show sold out.

The second show only. Tickets still available for the first ever. Kill Tony Mania, ladies and gentlemen. Poof, poof, poof. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Pew. Boop, boof, boof, boof. It's going to be so much fun.

And so that's huge. first show sold out at a massive comedy club called Cobbs Comedy Club right there in the heart of San Francisco and we're doing the same thing the 9th of November at Venus De Milo just between Providence and Boston Massachusetts so you crazy east coast you know

excited angry happy sad people can get a piece of Kill Tony live as well. And then we're doing it in San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth, November 13th through the 18th. Those are stand-up shows that I'm doing as well with all your favorite Kill Tony characters on those stand-up shows. So that's exciting stuff. Red Band, Jeremiah, Joel's going to be out there with us, the great Joel Jimenez. So that's going to be a lot of fun.

And tomorrow night, oh yeah, Dallas, Texas, I do stand-up on New Year's Eve. And tomorrow night, there's the first ever stand-up on the spot live podcast at 8 p.m. in the Belly Room. So that's exciting. It's one of the most funnest shows. If you haven't seen the show,

you've got to see it. Again, some of your favorite Kill Tony people, Red Band, myself, Moshe Kesher, Andrew Santino, that's tomorrow night at 8pm. And a lot of people have been asking, will Kill Tony Mania be streaming? It will not, but it'll be posted after, and then

you can watch it or listen to it whenever you want. These days, you can practically get everything on demand, just like this podcast. Listen whenever you want, when it's convenient for you. But did you know you can even get postage on demand? What? All you need is stamps.com. So great.

With stamps.com you can access all the services of the post office right from your desk. Yeah, I've actually been using stamps.com for about seven years. I have a T-shirt company, and I used to go to the post office, you know, and you had to drive to the post office and drop all this stuff off. Now you just go online, you put it in the computer, you print out your own postage, and you just put it on your front porch. You can, like, have the mailman just come to your house and pick it up for free. It's such a great service.

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Great service. Hit them. Thank you. All right. We love our sponsors sponsors They're great sponsors They really are You guys excited for this show tonight or what? We are here live

It's going down You're at a real live taping of the number one live podcast in the world We have so much fun here every Monday And this is one that even Red Band and I are giddy about, if one could say. We are so excited about this because this, my friends, is truly one of the funniest comedians in the world. He was on our show hundreds of episodes ago, and he's back gracing us with his presence. Truly one of our favorites. It's the great Todd Glass, everybody.

Come on. Here we go. He's back. Yes. Oh, my God the second I get out here I just get it all done Wow the great ready it's fun shut the fuck up right Wow I want to talk and I don't and I'm gonna I'm not gonna try to lead but I want to tell you that I'm not going to try to lead, but I want to tell you this. I say this from my heart. I fucking loved... I can't get enough of Stamps.com. I mean, I thought, like, everybody, shut up about it already, shut up about it.

And then you do it, you're like, what the fuck have I been doing? It really is... It changed my life. I got rid of my cancer. I'm not even joking around. Stamps.com, Stamps.com, Stamps.com. Yep.

It's funny you mention that because you can get a four-week trial right now that includes postage and a digital scale. You just have to enter the keyword, Kill Tony. Yeah. Oh, wow. So next time you do it,

make sure you enter that keyword. I will. Welcome back, Todd. We always have had so much fun together. You're one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Well, I appreciate that. You're amazing. You're always nice too.

And I just know we're going to have a lot of fun. So let's just jump right in. What do you mean I don't know? Is that what you said? I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I was just in court today. Like I still come with that attitude. What do I know? Alright, I'm done. Those pictures are weirding me out. Are they real people?

Kidding. They're about to go out in a second. I feel like the crowd turned on me. Now you're back. That was just me. Todd, I am so excited for you to get to

see the band. I know, me too. Every week the band comes out in different characters. No one ever knows what they're going to be and they commit to the characters throughout the show.

We all meet people together and they stay in character. It's quite an unbelievable treat. I'm excited for you to get to see them this week. You ready for this? Yeah, I love it. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Whoa. Here they are. It seems like with the music and with they are in scrubs. Wow. Bandage wrists. I cannot believe this. But I'm pretty sure we have people that just escaped from a mental hospital here.

Oh my god. He's phoning me in the mouth. Wow, that is disgusting. I love it. I spit in Tic Tacs all over the stage now. Yeah, what a way to start the show. There is a new hazard. I'm going to pick those up.

Wow. Mental patients is. I'm going to pick those up. Wow. Mental patience is what I'm guessing we have here. Would that be the proper terminology? I have a split personality. What did you say? I may have a split personality, Tony. Whoa. Wow.

This is exciting. I'm surprised that you made it here from the psych ward without any shoes on. That's a... Wow. What is that supposed to mean? Were those pills? Uh-huh. Hi.

Hi. How are you doing? Hey, good. How are you? I'm doing all right. I'm excited to hear you play. How are you? All right. I'm excited to hear you play. How are you? All right. Okay.

This is going to be exciting to see. And I'm excited to hang with this group of crazy people for an hour and a half. And clearly, this mental patient back here also has full-blown cancer. Wow. I didn't realize that you turned a slight shade of green when you lose your mind. It's Tom Hanks right before the credits. Wow.

Crazy Joelberg, a known vegan. Go ahead. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you back there? I'm good. I feel perfectly sane, Tony. Wow. Well, he's just dressed like a crazy person.

Okay. So here we go. We're going to be hanging out with crazy people and Todd Glass. How you doing? And I have a bucket filled with comedians' names here. I randomly pull a name out. They do a minute of stand-up comedy, and then we talk to them.

We interview them. Maybe we find out more about them or whatever. You get 60 seconds on stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Aw, listen to that.

Are some people tonight... Good Lord. I love drops. I swear, I don't know what it is. I have them at my house. When I love drops. I can't. I swear. I don't know what it is. I have them in my house. Like when I walk around, I'll do like a.

Jesus Christ. Okay. Yeah. Like I really do that around my house. Wouldn't that be sad? Anyway, I just think you're doing it. You're doing a great job. Thank you very much.

You guys ready to start this show or what? Here we go. It's Kill Tony live. I told you they were going to those spaces just went out? Here we go. It's Kill Tony Live. I told you those faces just went out. We're here. Oh, thank you. They were weird.

Hey, are some people tonight going to go up for their first time ever? Yeah. I mean, sometimes. You know what? I don't think this is stupid sort of. Can you lower my mic a little? I don't think it's stupid. But I always like to tell someone going up for the first time,

yeah, when it goes good, it's a bonus. But a lot of times it doesn't. But no matter what, I don't think this is bullshit. I think it's real. You went up. That means you're part of a club, whether it's Lenny Bruce or Mitch Hedberg or Sarah Silverman. They all had to go up on stage.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This place is chaos already. Wow. Oh, my God. That's embarrassing. You guys ready to start this shit or what? Here we go.

I'm going to pull a person named... I don't think he knows how to play. Oh, I think you're playing your saxophone the wrong way, Jeremiah. Should I help him? He's so crazy. He seems like a nice guy. He's so crazy, he's doing physical gags on a live podcast. But people imagine. People can imagine.

He's got his mouth up to the wrong part for you imaginers out there. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Christy Belich. Perhaps a Belich? Christy Belich? Belich? Oh, hello.

Slowed this down a little. Stop it. Red band. Christy Belich, everybody. One more time. Come on. Hi. I've been thinking about running for Congress lately.

I figured why not in this world? I've been thinking about my platform. I figured it would be fuck the cops, you know? But not like fuck up the cops and break their windows, but make prostitution federally legal across the board and have a band of lusty prostitutes form a non-profit organization that literally goes out and fucks the cops into submission on their way to work every single morning. Be like, yo, Desiree, you want some dental care?

You want a pension just like them? All you gotta do, honey child, is dough Officer Smith's nuts in the morning. That's it. Get him happy. Get him passive. I'd be like, why'd I shoot a black man in the face, the arms, the pinky toes? And female cops are not forgotten in my scenario. Those batons have length and girth. Everybody's good to go in my world of cop fucking. Yay! You said yay at the end of that. Were you excited?

I thought I was going to shit my pants. Wow! How many times have you gone up? I've been to commie for four and a half years. Oh, wow. And you still feel like you're going to shit your pants for four and a half years. Cool. Oh, wow. And you still feel like you're going to shit your pants every time? Just right now.

Why is that, do you think? Why do you necessarily feel right now like you're going to shit your pants? What makes that different than any other time? This room, the main room. Yeah. It's my first time up. I mean, ever. How many times have you shit your pants?

Almost, but not quite yet. So I'm like, maybe one day. Jeremiah? Have you ever pooped a gown before? Have you ever what? Pooped a gown before? No, but I'm sure you have. Just falls right out.

Christy, where have you been doing comedy for four and a half years? I started in New Zealand, New York, and then lived in Baltimore for nine months. New Zealand, and then New York, and then you lived in Baltimore. Yeah. What made you go to Baltimore? My family's from Laurel, Maryland, and I'm a failed New York comic, basically. There's nothing wrong with Baltimore. Wow, you're really...

What part of Maryland are... Laurel, Maryland, near McGuby's Chokehouse. Is that near Timonium, McGuby's? I lived up there. McGuby's? I'm going to be there November 29th to December 1st. Timonium, Maryland. You're going to be at McGuby's?

Yeah, I'm going to be at McGuby's Chokehouse. In Baltimore, that's right. McGuby's. You're going to like the way you laugh. McGuby's. And I'll be performing at the Looney Bin this winter. This is Christy. How long have you lived in L.A.? Since July

22nd of this year. July 22nd of this year. I wrote you a song. Welcome to L.A. That's all I did. That's all we wrote. That was beautiful. Give me a B-flat tomorrow.

Did you guys rehearse that? Oh, it's just music talk. If you saw us... Todd just whispered into the mic. He covered his face but talked into the mic. What's the old trick? You gotta... It's an old trick in the theater.

My parents raised horses. So, Christy, you got here July 29th. They didn't, but I knew people that their parents did. I was like, why can't my parents have horses? What? Oh, sorry. Okay, so here's...

Why couldn't they? Why couldn't they have horses? Because probably they're too expensive. And my mom wouldn't do it to a horse anyway. You know, chain it up and fuck it. Anyway. So

if only those drops worked on Danny Brown as well as they worked on Todd Glass, it would have been a whole different episode, right? We figured out how to wrangle Todd down a little bit.

I just look over your arm. I wanted to say this. I feel I should tell you this because I was quiet during your whole set. I'm high and I couldn't follow anything he's saying or anybody. I thought you performed for a while. You seem, you know, like you're comfortable.

Liz. You want to go? I'm serious. Hold on one second. I'll fuck. I'm not joking around, you guys. Seriously, not everything has to be a joke. So, Christy, you've been here since July 29th.

Why does it seem like I'm saying something bad when I'm not? I know there's people who are like, he's not, he's not. I'm not. It's you. You're so mean-spirited. Hello? So, Christy, what do you do for work? Right now, I'm a freelancer.

What are you freelancing? I write hor freelancer. What are you freelancing? I write horoscopes. You write horoscopes? My God. And I believe you. Holy shit. Now is it based on any... It's that one right there.

It's not based on any truth, right? It's that one. That's the right one. Why would you hit bounce it from Juicy J? Why would that be? Oh, I know why. You're still thinking about her walk up here. Red Band got excited.

I'm sorry. I got so confused. He was looking through your crystal balls, if you know what I mean. Sorry. Horoscope. Boop joke. All right. Okay.

So can you do me a favor? Can you tell us what you think our horoscope is here on Kill Tony? What do you think the future of this podcast is, if you had to guess? Well, today's the new moon in Libra, and Venus is square Mars as Mars leaves. It's that one. Why are you winning? No. That one. That one. Why are you winning? That one.

That one. I'm literally like... I'm saving that one for Jeremiah. That's his ringtone. So far, she's ten times crazier than the psychos that broke out of the mental hospital. Actually, she's really smart because she's making money off that bullshit. I don't know if she is. She said a freelance horoscope.

I'm pretty sure we're all freelance horoscope writers. How often does someone call you up? Like, hey, I know I'm a horoscope writer. Somebody must if she's doing it. Yeah, it's true. I mean, I used to do shows like at Caroline's Moon Yule and stuff like that. So they did shows about it. Does a horoscope person, do they like read palms and stuff like that. So they did shows, you know, about it. Does a horoscope person,

do they like read palms and things like that? No. You're going to be so mean. You know, I also started out as a scientist too, so, you know, go fuck yourself. Wow. How'd you fuck that up? Good question. Wait, I knew I'd be called up tonight because I started comedy after trying to kill myself,

so I think that this kind of... What? Yeah. Wow, I love this. This is a fun little... I love this honesty. I love this... I love what's happening right now.

Do you have trouble talking about it? Because it's a pretty compelling subject matter that maybe someone out there that's thinking about killing themselves that probably should. I mean... You might be able to help them. You know what I mean? I'm not going to go down that track right now. I don't know. Down that train? Is that how you tried to do it?

Okay, forget it. That would have been a fashionable way to leave. Well, what was that part? I said that would have been a fashionable way to leave, I guess. God, this is horrible. Okay, I know. If you give me a chance, I was going to steer us out of it.

Are you ticklish? I would say, Tony, it's good that you didn't kill yourself, you know, because now you're here, number one live podcast in the world. Yes. Thank you, Joel. That's how you keep a train on its tracks. And it would have never happened. Fuck yeah.

Todd, do you have any... No, I'm fine. Wow. Actually, I am. Why don't you kill yourself? I thought that was going to get a big laugh. And that was probably, was that back in Baltimore or was that in New York? It was in New York.

Right. Yeah. And you know what? I absolutely agree with what Joel said. This is, you know, getting pulled out of this bucket isn't easy. I talked to some dude working last night at the hollywood improv a door guy there he told me he's and i know this to be true because i remember he told me two months ago that he's been signing up for two months and he didn't get up and then last night i saw him he's like dude it's been four months i have me signing up and i haven't gotten up so you are indeed very lucky

it seems like things are turning into a positive for you. You're in LA, which is a much more peaceful zen place than New York City. You have really good cleavage. Oh my god. I mean just the line. Oh my god. I mean truly. Even for you.

I mean you know how many girls want that? Even for you to drop that right then. After all that, we're trying to make a nice little, we're making our nice little descent. And then you gotta tell her she has nice cleavage? Oh, I didn't know that's

what he said. I don't hear Christy talking about your cleavage, Red Band. We could rub them together. Oh my god. What is going on? We heard it the first time, Jeremiah. Well, we've got this show started off with a bang, ladies and gentlemen.

Christy Belich, everyone. Thank you so much. Hell yeah. That was a handshake. Follow her on Twitter at Christy Belich. I mean, if that isn't proof that the bucket isn't rigged, I don't know what is. You know, if I was going to start the show

with those kinds of talks... You said tots? What? Oh, my Lord. What, did you take a boner pill before this show or something? I went to chunglewater.com. Drink water. By the way, don't kill yourself.

Drum roll, please. Hey, I like that. Thank you. Wow, this is exciting. We met this guy on this show for the first time two weeks ago. He's fucking awesome. I fell in love with him immediately. I think he's one of the ways of the true future. Maybe I'm crazy, but maybe I'm right. It is the Comedy Stylings, the second ever appearance of William Montgomery. Wow.

I am excited about this. So I've got a whistling album coming out in a couple weeks. It's about what it sounds like, just my brother and me whistling songs like Jingle Bells. The night before Christmas. Where'd the cookies go? Smells like dad's been down here. Who put so many logs on the fire? Why does he have to drink so much?

Be quiet, I hear him. Get behind the sofa, he'll see you. Who's he yelling at? Oh my God, what has happened? Stop saying that and get behind the sofa. He's staring yelling at oh my god what has happened stop saying that get behind the sofa he's staring right at you how doesn't he see you with classics like it under the porch i hear his truck coming up the driveway please eat it he'll just get more mad if you don't and it's not a ghost in the closet, it's just dad. So I'm pretty sure I have lupus.

Wow. Wow. I fucking love you, man. He's pretty sure. This is, uh, wow. I you, man. He's pretty sure. This is, uh, wow. I mean, William, I fucking love you. Thank you, Tony. That's very nice of you to say. It is. It is very nice of me to say.

I'm your number one fan. That's very nice of you to say. William, uh, it's good to have you back on. I know, it's nice to... I'm very excited to have you on. For you podcast listeners, William looks like a bundle of fucking charisma. Right.

Just imagine an Irish version of... Remember when Forrest Gump just kept running continuously? And he let himself go completely. But this is like a red-headed, happy, gingery version of that. I actually had an Uncle Tommy who was in Forrest Gump. Your uncle was in Forrest Gump?

He was. He was Lieutenant Dan. No way. Wait, what? He was. He was Lieutenant Dan. No way. Wait, what? No, I'm kidding. So we had him on the Ice House. Remember I invited him to the Ice House when I was with Jeremiah.

We learned a lot about him. One thing we learned, he's fucking a liar. Everything he says, it's a lie. But you keep on forgetting and every time you're like, no way, really? And then you're like, wait, what am I doing? I fucking love it. Whatever it is, I love it. You could lie to me all fucking day

as long as it makes me laugh, buddy. Look at you. Where are you from? From Memphis, Tennessee. I believe that part. Is he live yet? I actually, I grew up in... Can you keep doing that music with the lights?

I actually grew up in Memphis in the 70s. I'm 45 right now. I bought a lot of Lego stock in the early 80s. Ended up making tons of money on it. I opened up this water park outside of Memphis, Wild Water and Wheels, and somebody was going down the slide and got killed. See what I mean?

I don't give a fuck where he started lying, at what part. That's fucking comedy. I could listen to that shit forever. It turned into a nightmare. I spent 20 years in prison. I had to join, in Memphis, I had to join this Hispanic gang, MS-13.

Hispanic? Yeah, it was a hell of a ride. Todd, this is your first time seeing William Montgomery. I love him, man. It's great. I think we actually met one time in Denver for the comedy festival they have there. You might be lying.

I played in the comedy festival. Oh, you might. I don't know. Oh, that's right. No, I don't know with you. Maybe where is it at his park? Wild Water and Wheels. Is that what it's called?

It was cool. Dolly Parton, a lady also from Tennessee, she was the spokesperson. She got really sick with lupus. She went to a... Wait a second. I don't know. Two lupuses in a few minutes with you. A lot of lupus in one five-minute chunk.

She actually got it from a Kmart. Somebody sneezed on the handle of one of the carts. Not a lot of people know this about lupus, but it's not how you get lupus. Yes, it is. I got to back him. My sister knows somebody and her friends.

I was trying to help him out. Because it was him against everybody, but if I say it, it shuts it out. Wait, is it true? No, that is true what he said. Honest. I'm not even joking around. I couldn't, because I'm appointed from the state. William, there's a bunch of people that have escaped

from mental hospitals surrounding you. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Oh man, I think I was actually in my t-shirt says Gatlinburg I was there for our first I was in a fraternity

for our first pledge retreat and I remember the night I lost my virginity I was down in the room that was playing the movie Seven, and probably 25 minutes into it, it would just skip. There was something wrong with the DVD, so it just kept on playing the movie Seven, and I just tenderly put my arm around this young lady,

and she led me upstairs, and I didn't tell her I had herpes, and it turned into a big nightmare, a big lawsuit. My dad's a big doctor back in Memphis, and she knew I came from a bunch of money. So what's the craziest thing you've ever done? Give someone herpes? All right.

I put on a strap-on and jumped in a well. And that's how I ended up in this gap. That's one of ten. Still warming up. One for ten back there. Iceberg. Full ice right now. You can tell because he's a shade of blue for some reason.

Alright, William. Well, I love your style, man. I think you can absolutely do no wrong. I could listen to you lie forever. Well, thank you for calling me up again. Well, you're welcome. It was the luck of a bucket. It's a bucket. I put my hand in a bucket. There he goes. William Montgomery, ladies

and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at William.F.Montgomery1 or Instagram. There you go. Hell yeah. Alright. So, uh, here we go. You guys get it? You understand the show?

How it works? You know what I think? I'm going to start a management company right now, and I'm going to start booking people from your show. Oh, I love this idea. I'm going to start a management company right now. And I'm going to start booking people from your show. Oh, I love this idea. Yep, I'm going to open up. I'm going to have all the high-tech stuff. We're going to have videotapes of all our clients to send around.

How many of you comedians want Todd Glass to be your manager here tonight, huh? You said you'd do it with me? We're going to be a management team. A lot of people seeking representation. Sure. And then you steal from them. He said all that high-tech stuff like videotapes. All right.

So who knows? This next comedian could be one of Top Glass's newest clients. Make some noise for Dee Imari. Dee Imari? Dee Imari? Hi, it's Dre, D-R-E. Sorry if my handwriting was bad. So I'm in my 30s,

and dating in your 30s is a lot different than dating in your 20s. Like, you're a lot more aware of the vibes that I give off to men. Like, I'm finally aware I give off a choky blowjob vibe. And why am I aware of that? Because so many guys have just straight up told me. So I was talking to my sister about this the other day, and she goes, that's really fucked up. And I was like, I know.

Dating near 30 sucks. So I was thinking, what can I do? Like, what if I hit on guys and said, I can't wait to take you home and suffocate you with my pussy. Like, really straddle you until you can't breathe, and you're choking, and that would be so hot. So anyway, I just wanted to kind of take it back, and that's all I got.

Hell yeah. Dre Amari. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, it's my first time. Yes, indeed. How long have you been doing stand-up for? On and off for about eight months.

About eight months, all here in Los Angeles? Yes, I've been doing acting for about six years here. Oh, okay. It's a good way to, you know. Me too. Yeah? Yeah. Hi.

I'm going to make it. Yes, you are. So you've been doing acting for six years. Have you been in anything we might recognize? I've been in a Malibu rum commercial, but my whole face was cut off, so it was just my hand at the end. Oh.

And I've been in Entourage the movie, but you can see me in the back of one of the girls that flashes her boobs. I look good. I think Red Band might know that part. Just stuff like that. Wow. Yeah, short films.

Yeah. So what do you do for work? Like, how do you make money? I work part-time as a lawyer. You work part-time as a lawyer? So you're a lawyer? Yeah. Okay.

Do you read horoscopes, too? Not anymore. Not after tonight. I'm a lawyer part-time. I don't know. Why only part-time? Why only part-time? Because the acting's my passion.

But you went to law school? You did all that shit? I did all that shit. I went to law school in New Orleans. Wow. You know, if I were you, I'd mostly focus on that whole lawyer thing that you got going on. I really would. I don't know if getting your head cut off in a Malibu rum commercial is, you know.

I don't think that's part-time. That's not what they mean when they say part-time. Like part of you is on very little of the time. Yes. So I'm court-appointed, so I deal with criminals and I'm in court all day long when I go to work, which is a couple times a week. Does your phone ever ring and you're like, this must be that audition I went on the other day?

And someone's like, oh, we need the lawyer. It's like screaming meth addict client. Do you have an attache case? I tried to make it work with the. Yes, I do have an attache. Wow. I know. And I've been meth acting for years there like

i wear my hair pulled back like glasses um no one knows my real if you were a lawyer but this is the you had to carry all your stuff in this would that be embarrassing i mean you had to you had a suit on you're going in the court but for some reason somebody like paid you to carry it in a pumpkin so you have to walk in your honor i'm here to just an idea short movie write it down worst courtroom incident you've ever seen or been part of uh in one of your cases what's that one is there a clear-cut case on that someone ever yelled their own objections or things like oh yeah all the time like i always tell my clients don't talk to the judge if If you have a question, ask me first quietly before you scream at the judge.

It usually helps our case. Yeah. So, I mean, I see, like, poor things. Like, people get arrested in court all the time. Like, thrown down by the bailiffs. Do the judges lose it a lot? Because it seems like they would. No, they're pretty calm for the most part.

Yeah. Trey, what made you want to start doing stand up what was the exact moment where you're like you know what I think I could do this yes I made a commitment to myself last year when I was like my acting hasn't taken off so that's forced me to do stand up

so I have fun on stage yeah I'm another struggling actor in L.A. Are you always that dirty? I mean, is that something that you do? Yeah, just like talking to anyone. Honestly, I'm very open. All right.

That sounded extra dirty. Talk about what you want to talk about. That's what everybody does. Right? How often do you do this? How often do you go on stage? I do stand up at least once a week. I try and squeeze it in. I was doing a lot more. I was just getting exhausted going to work

and doing acting and stand up and stuff. I mean, it doesn't sound like it's that exhausting at all. It seems like your schedule's pretty fucking clear. My schedule's pretty fucking clear. My schedule's pretty fucking clear. I don't know how exhausting it could really be doing stand-up when you're

a part-time lawyer. I have fun with it. I have fun, and this is a good show. I see what you tried to do there. You feel that energy? This is one of those times I'm going to be honest that energy? This is one of those times, I'm going to be honest with you. This is one of those times where I'm being nice. What everybody in this room wants is they want me to tell you.

Keep going. Chase your dreams. Never give up. They want me to tell you. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not special. Go dirtier. Do rape material. Oh, my God.

It's okay. I've been told no so much. It doesn't bother me anymore. Eventually, your top half will be featured in a rum commercial. Yay. All right. We're going to fly through it. There she goes. Dre Amari, everyone. in a rum commercial. Yay! Alright, we're going to fly through it. There she goes. Dre Amari, everyone. Sometimes this bucket's amazing.

It really is. It's a wild one. Anything can happen. Feels good in here, right? Yeah. It feels great. Alright. Let's see what could possibly happen next on this special suicide

friendly episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to Kill Yourself Tony. It seems to be a running theme. The band members literally have all of their wrists gauzed up. We've already

seen the show. Hilarious. The great Jeremiah Watkins. Pull the name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Kelly McKierney. Kelly McKierney. Kelly McKierney. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly McKierney.

Clearly, guys. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I believe she already killed herself. Blacklisted. Kelly McKierney. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Julian T. Julian T.

There we go. Movement. Standing up tall. Long walk ahead of him. Oh, man. There we go. He looks happy. One more time, everybody, for Julian T. Comedy store.

What's up? Oh man, I'm very excited tonight guys. I just came back from Africa. I'm gonna be honest with you guys. I feel blessed to do comedy with my clothes on guys. It's a It's amazing man. Tonight I'm gonna do something that a lot of black men don't do that often in America I'm going to talk about my father he was the most famous boxer in the Congo like the first to ever travel in Europe and fight. He's pretty much the American equivalent of the first white man ever to walk into Roscoe Chicken.

Like, who invited him to the cookout? This is the real African accent. I know it might look like it, but I'm not from Chicago. I learned English from Chicago. I learn English by watching. You can go ahead. I learn English by watching American stand-up comedy on TV with the whole family back in the Congo.

I will be focused on the jokes, the structure, the way comedians move on stage. My family will be completely focused on the bottle of water Hell yeah, is that it? Are there some more? They be like is he gonna drink that water? What's going on? Can you please drink that water man? Yeah, you didn't even need that part. I love it. Julian T.

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. That was beautiful. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Second time. Heck yeah. And what did we find out about you last time? Where are you from again?

So I was born in Belgium. My roots are from the Congo in Africa. How long you been doing it? Almost two years Because I had I mean it took me a long process Because at first I had to learn English I always wanted to do stand-up comedy

Could you perform in the Congo if you wanted to? In French, yeah, absolutely Oh, they speak French there We speak French and Lingala How does Lingala. How does Lingala go? What does that sound like? Can you give us an example of what that sounds like?

What's that mean? Oh, he got you good. He got you good. I know what that means. You know, too. But really, though, what does that mean? No, like, how you doing, Tony? Can you say, uh, welcome to another episode of Kill Tony?

Hello. En tout cas, vous c'est pas là, dans l'épisode. Voilà, y'a Tony. Ah, that's cool. I love it. Because everybody here is speaking in Gala. I love it. Can you say, guggada, Guggada, Guggada? You son of a bitch.

How long ago were you on the show? I can't believe it. That's two in a row that he's called for. Two in a row. How long ago were you on the show? Was it like a month or so ago? I was actually on the show during the fifth anniversary. Oh, good episode to be on.

With Joe Rogan. Yes. I mean, not you, but Joe Rogan. Well, they look pretty similar. Exactly. So how's life been since the five year? That was in mid-June. I'm blessed.

Yeah, tell us more. What makes you so blessed? Because I have big health. I'm healthy. I have a job. No seriously. What's your job? I have a job, I'm an Uber driver. Oh nice.

So I can support myself, you know. I can pay my rent. Uber extra black or? No, the minimum black. Okay. Uber X? Uber X. What kind of car are you rolling around? Minimum black. Okay. Uber X?

Uber X. What kind of car are you rolling around in? Prius. Oh, very good. Always, always in my way. For gas. Just always. What kind of car do you have, Todd? You drive?

I picture you rolling around everywhere in a fucking helicopter. I'd say Prius. I had a Prius. But it's a long story. I mean, I... No, I lent Jeremiah my car and he crashed it. But he said he was... He's mad.

Yeah. No, yeah. I mean... Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, yeah. What color is your Prius? Black. Yes. You ever get pulled over in LA? Actually once, not too long ago. Yeah, what happened? So I was actually

picking up one of my passengers and I was kind of blocking the traffic but the cop was cool. I was yeah I was like just say I'm working so please get away well that's fun yeah you uh you have a you have a girlfriend or seems like you're pretty connected I am yeah? Yeah. I'm pretty connected? Yeah, you know I have a girlfriend. That's a 50-50 chance. Yeah, I asked you if you had a girlfriend.

You could have said no and that I'm pretty connected and it would have been the same thing. How long have you been with your girlfriend? Three years. Three years. So where is she at? Here? Yeah, we live together. Oh, that's great.

Let me ask you a question about your girlfriend. Is she seeing anybody? Yeah, like coworkers every day, you know, daily. Do you fuck that shit? Wow. Who just said that? The fuck? Joel.

Wow. That could be three in a row. Yeah, that's three in a row. Holy shit. Todd liked it. That's all I care about.. Yeah, that's three in a row. Todd liked it. That's all I care about. This is just so absurd. Remember, folks, if Joel tries jokes and doesn't flip the switch to full Joel Berg

power for ten jokes in a row, he gets a tattoo on his face of the Kill Tony logo on stage. Right on his forehead. That's a known thing. Onward smack dab between his eyes. It's already been agreed on. You were funny, man. You were really funny.

Yeah, for sure. You get to do a lot of spots around town? Yeah, a lot. I'm getting booked all over. When you and your girlfriend hang out, what do you guys like to do? What do you guys do for fun? I love salsa. Salsa.

Salsa music. Yes. If you have one. Indeed Salsa. Salsa music. Yes. Yeah. If you have... Indeed. That's not salsa music. Wow. Yeah, so you guys go dancing?

Yeah, absolutely. Really? I learn salsa, I learn Spanish. Wow. I'm still improving myself in Spanish. You mean like Spanish dancing? Language and, yeah, dancing. Salsa.

Salsa, you know, dance. Fucking dirty dancing. Why would it be dirty dancing? Why don't you sing him the dirty dancing song? That would be hilarious. I had the time of my life. Can you give us a little example of some of your, let's say if your girlfriend was up there with you,

can we get a little taste of what maybe your salsa dancing would sort of be like? Hell yeah. What are you saying there? That he dances like a white guy? Yeah, maybe he's influenced by his girlfriend. That was awesome. That salsa dancing was awesome That salsa dancing was awesome I know the queso dance

Alright Julian Well fun set man Hilarious stuff There he goes Follow him at julian.t On twitter Instagram It's all happening, people.

We're meeting all different types of people here tonight. How you crazy guys doing? How about Crazy Chroma Chris? How are you feeling over there tonight? It's all over the place, Tony. Wow. Chroma Chris. All right.

This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Ant Rawls. Ant Rawls. Ant Rawls. Ant Rawls seems like such a... Blacklist. Such a good name. I would love to... Okay.

Okay. Let's see if this person's here. Patrick Bautista. Patrick Bautista. Patrick Bautista Patrick Bautista Patrick Bautista Here we go Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick Patrick, Patrick, Patrick

Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick Yo I'm Patrick Bautista And I'm Filipino and Irish And I hate Being Filipino and Irish, and I hate being Filipino and Irish. No one accepts me. You don't look Irish.

A little sip of the green beer, now everybody wants to be Irish. Yeah, I'm like a whole lot of Filipino here, but my penis is shaped like a clover. I don't look like it. I don't look like it. The clover, you got the leaves and the stem, but minus the bumps, I guess. It don't look like it. What?

And then Filipinos, Filipinos are like, Mr. White Privilege, happy to meet you, Mr. White Privilege. It's the privilege to meet you. Thank you for letting us start our land. Patrick Batista. Can I just say I love this guy? Yeah. Yeah. And look at the voice!

And look at the Irish! Look at the Irish! And look at the Irish! Uh, Patrick Batista. He's got a little hat on. Yeah, he's got the hat on. Look at the little hat. It shoots gold.

I know. Yes. This is the worst thing ever. You were right when you said it earlier. It really is. I have so much pent-up anger right now, Patrick, from a lot of things that have happened here tonight and right now and a. From things that I really, you know, a lot of things that have happened here tonight and right now, and a lot of things,

and I feel like I could take it out on you, whereas a lot of the other people earlier, I couldn't take it out on them. I think the audience would have felt bad if I was mean to them, so I'm gonna be mean to you instead, okay? I hate you. I know, I know.

I know. I really do. I hate everything. If I were going to create something that I hated in a factory of hate, this is what it would look like. It'd be you with your tiny fucking nose and that hat. What do you think if you had to guess and you'd win a prize that he hates you? If

he wasn't around, someone goes, why do you think he hates me? What would you guess? Because I don't have a nose. I mean, it is really weird. For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like if Indiana Jones and Short Round got mixed up in a blender.

What's the Asian person's name? Short round. Short round, yep. Dr. Jones. Yeah, yeah, stop doing those impressions of everything and the Irish thing and the Filipino thing too. Oh, man, you're good. Don't listen to him.

And he does have a management company. I like this guy. We do. Okay. You know what? You want to sign him? Yeah. We're going I like this guy. We do. Okay. You know what? We're signing. You want to sign him? Yeah.

We're going to sign this guy. Wow. I think for commercials and stuff like that and for, right? Right? Sure. Well, if people are backstage, we'll sign you. This guy looks like a mobster at Banana Republic. He seems like a nice guy.

I like how he has this part on his nose where, like, my shih tzu has the same thing where, like, I itch it right in there. I mean, it really is interesting what your face looks like. Yeah. Wait, what was that, Todd? I didn't know what...

I was like, I don't... I didn't... It wasn't the... I didn't have a... What did I say? It was the stuff. It was some of the material. But not his looks. I mean, have a... It was the stuff. It was some of the material, but not his looks. I mean, his looks are fine. Yeah, both, inside and outside.

You are hated. Your mind, your look, really everything. You put a fedora on top, that's just the fucking cherry on top of a hateful, hated person. Yes. Pink Panther theme when the fedora comes up. You hate to kill. Have you always worn a fedora

or is this something new? Yes, I've worn... Is the fedora something new? Really, your whole life? For a long time. Do you throw it at people and blades come out? I take vacations from it.

You're Fedora the Explorer. Do you not wear this every time on stage? No, I wore nothing first time. You were naked on stage the first time. Sometimes I wore it. The clover was out. And then the second time I wore a ramsat. Maybe you should, here's some good,

maybe be like, because look, you never know. You see someone stand up and then they go, oh my God, the first two years I did this. And then five years later, you're like, they really grew into something. So maybe as you do that, if you really fucking love stand up, just, I always hear the word authentic. Like be authentic instead of trying to maybe think of a thing. Just try to be authentic to what makes you laugh. I know he's going to hate on it. He always hates on my.

What do you mean always? How many times has this happened in your dreams? Three times. You always just don't like my jokes. Three times you've been up here? This is my third. Wow. Wow.

I never would have guessed that. Do you remember this guy at all? I don't. You look like... You have all the likability of the memory eraser from Men in Black. Just one flash. You look like a detective who was trying to find his notes.

With all due respect, with all... Oh, there it is. Danny, you can't just give it up like that. But I say that with all due respect. What you just heard, by the way, is Danny, for you listening to the podcast, Danny Lucas. Make some noise for Danny.

Danny Lucas! Watching from high above. Danny Lucas! Doing a great job up there. Lights, blackouts, I love it. When he does the lighting switch for Joelberg, it basically makes it official that it's a Joelberg chant.

You have to wait for the audience to scream and shit. You don't make it. We don't count that one. That's still great. Whoa. Look at Red Band. Whoa. Wow.

From Keto to Veto. My goodness, Red Band. Just because you look like a home plate umpire doesn't mean you have to act like one. You're out of here. You're out of here. You're out of here. Get out of here You're out of here Get out of here right now That's right

Okie dokie So Patrick Tell us something interesting about you You didn't enjoy that thing we just did? It was great, brilliant It didn't seem like you did Adult swim would really If they were here right now

They would just sign you guys to a 15-minute super deal. Anyway, what's something likable about you? Get us to like you more. Help us fucking like anything about you. I'm a big hugger. Okay. No, we said like you. I know.

Well, hold on. Oh, Jesus. Okay, maybe not. Patrick, really think hard about something. I don't know. I know. You should hug her. Well, hold on. Oh, Jesus. Okay, maybe not. Patrick, really think hard about something. I don't know. I don't want anything. Come on. Help us.

No, please. Oh, dear God. There you go. A hug, ladies. A fucking hug, ladies and gentlemen. A hug. There we go. Patrick, answer the fucking question that I just asked you.

Something likable about you. I've told you about my Navy situations. I was in the Navy. You like me? I was in the Navy. Four years I made it through without getting kicked out. Crazy person. Are you okay?

I'm just trying to find out more about the guest. Okay, thank you. Very good. A lot of physical act-outs again from Jeremiah. Must have forgot. Well, thanks for your service. Not tonight, but all. Very good. A lot of physical act-outs again from Jeremiah. Must have forgot. Well, thanks for your service. Not tonight, but all the other times. I mean, what part of the Navy were you?

Were you like one of the test-like things where they would shoot you with Kevlar on or something? You're not going to believe this, but I was a jet mechanic. Really? You're right. I don't believe it. Yeah, you don't believe it. Did you do stand-up on or something? You're not going to believe this, but I was a jet mechanic. Really? Yeah, but... You're right. I don't believe it. Yeah, you don't believe it, but...

Did you do stand-up on sinking ships? It's just like working on a car. Five. I'm telling you, it's probably easier. All right, Patrick. I still don't like anything about you. Maybe next time. Maybe the fourth time's a charm.

Jeremiah? Nope. Oh, okay. Well, when I see you put the microphone up to your mouth, I just assume that you have something that you want to say. Right? I know. It's so unpredictable. It's crazy. Okay.

Well. He seems, you know, he wants you to like him. So he's got to be the right type of a guy. Shit on me more? Now you fucked it up. I was trying to help you out like him. So he's got to be all right type of a guy. Do you want dirt on me so you can shit on me more or do you want Now you fucked it up. I was trying to help you out.

No. Because I I don't know. Do you listen to your sets when you like do you record your sets? Like iPhone voice recorder everyone should

always record their sets. I haven't. 100% do it. Seriously. Start doing it. Okay I'm on it. I'm on it. Tough love.

Charlie Pryde they had to throw a cymbal to his head. I saw the movie Whiplash. So, Tony, will you like me if I record my shit? No, this is going to be an ongoing storyline with you, Patrick. I still don't like you. Maybe the fourth time.

Who knows? Maybe the bucket will do you justice. You seem like a lucky guy. You've gotten pulled out three times. A lot of people are dying to get pulled out of the bucket, so we're going to keep going. Maybe next time. Patrick Bautista. Can I give you a suggestion real quick?

I never ended up doing this, but when I moved to L.A., I won't say who it was, but they owned the comedy club, and this is true. No, no, there's three or four comedy clubs, so it doesn't necessarily say who it is. You still have to wonder. But I wanted them to like me, the owner of this place, so I had a fantasy.

I never did it. That would flatten their tire, and then I'd show up. Oh, the owner of this place, so I had a fantasy. I never did it that would flatten their tire and then I'd show up. Oh, what do you do? Yeah, I don't like Corvette, too. So maybe, you know, that's a good idea. Maybe I should have never said anything. I'm on it. Alright, thank you. There he goes,

Patrick Bautista. He's on Twitter at anything 138. Come on, let me hear some music. Hey now, come on. Yeah, come on, hear some music. Hey, now. Come on. Yeah. Come on. Hey. Ha.

Ha. Yeah. Go back to the bucket again. You guys having fun out there? It's a wild show. Yeah, it's a weird one. Clearly, clearly none of this has been rehearsed or produced. This is probably one of the most live shows we've ever done.

We rehearsed for six hours every beat of this show before you guys got here. I'm having a lot of fun over here. No, I know. Look at this. You guys... All right, make some noise. That's what they should do. The next act, if they want to do that after their jokes,

you can do that. It's yours. If you guys want to do that, it might work. Joel, is that true? Do you do that for anybody that moves their hand like that? Yeah. Wow. I can't wait to see one of these people try

and you just leave them hanging. All right. Let's see if it happens with this next comedian. Alex Seligson. Alex Seligson. Here we go. Back from the lucky corner. Lucky corner.

What happened there? Here she comes. Hello. Another Baywatch incident. I lost a shoe. Sorry, that last moment gave me an ulcer. That was hard. Hi, I'm from Florida originally.

I don't know if you could tell. I do give off that definitely own snakes vibe. It's because I have a snake. Her name's Reese Slitherspoon another very Florida thing about me my very first job I was a stripper in Oakland Park, Florida but my name was Viper but with a Y

I have like these piercings I have tattoos. If you're wondering what Viper with a Y dances to, it's predominantly corn. If it was a good night, I got Papa Roach. I get very triggered when I hear, cut my life in two pieces. My name is Papa Roach.

Those are the words. Sucked a dick for $500. That's a lot of money at one time. All right. All right. Hell yeah, Alex. Hello. Hi.

This is your first time on the show? It is. I just moved here. Oh, cool. Where from? Chicago, actually. Where. This is your first time on the show. It is. I just moved here. Oh, cool. Where from? Chicago, actually.

Where'd you hide your gown? I've been looking for a place to hide it successfully. Oh, like the magic trick where you pull it out, like in the... Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Thank you. Thank you. And we are back with Alex Silligson.

I think that was like a pussy gown joke, right? I have no idea what you were talking about. So what were you saying that you did in that joke? You said you were at a strip club? I was a stripper. You were a stripper? I was a stripper, yeah. Wow.

No? I quit. You're not going to give us anything? What were you stripping? Paint off houses? I don't really... Chicken? Chicken strips? They did serve chicken strips at

Goldfinger. That's what it was called. Goldfinger. And they had stuffed shells at the buffet too. Delicious. I bet they did. Yeah. So is that true? $500 for a blowjob?

That's a lot. It was Fleet Week. It was cute. It was what? Fleet Week, like where the Navy comes in. I've never lived in Florida. I don't know what you're talking about. The Navy comes in and they're wearing all white in a strip club? I don't know what you're talking about. The Navy comes in and they're wearing all white

and they go to the strip club and get lap dances and think they're not going to get bled on. Ugh, Jesus. Wow. That's insane, right? No. $500 for a blowjob's insane. It's supposed to be 80 bucks.

Everyone knows that. There you go. In this economy, I'd do it for 50. Dirty man Brian Redband calling the market prices out for blowjobs. I'm sorry, Rosie. By the way, a little fun fact about Redband. 75% of the blowjobs he's gotten are not good blowjobs. That's probably why.

It's true. I love it when you do that light on. Oh, God. When did you put that on? I don't like that. No, no, no. Okay. Is that racist?

All right. Somebody wants some juicy fruit. Yes. It appears, is that Pocahontas over there or something? What's going on over there? One of my other personalities is a Native American man. Maybe like any other day but Columbus Day?

Alex. Yes, let's listen to the stripper. Please. Todd, what did you think about her whole thing? Yes. Don't bring me into it. Throw to Todd immediately, Red Band. What did I do? Yes, yes, yes. Don't bring me into it.

Throw to Todd immediately, Red Band. What did I do? What do you have against me? I don't know. I don't... I'm not here to make any comments. I'm not. I'm more nervous than you are.

I like doing the show because you get to see some funny people, but I don't want to be like, well, you should. So I just shut my fucking mouth. What about the jokes? That's the part I'm talking about. I don't say, no, no, I mean that I don't say, how come? What? You're like from school.

You're like you want to start a fight. Like, oh, you got her. Good. Jerry Springer-like crowd. I didn't even say that. I said I don't want to like go, you know, like, like, you want to start a fight. Oh, you got her good. Jerry Springer-like crowd. I didn't even say that. I said, I don't want to go, you know, I just come to be hanging out. How long have you lived in

Los Angeles? I just signed a lease yesterday. Wow. Oh my goodness. With which strip club? After all that, right? You're at 1099 there. You're independent. You don't really have to sign much of anything Alex when people try to be funny answering the question it almost never works it never works

I'm trying to you know so you just moved from Chicago you just signed a lease what are you going to do for work are you still working off your savings from that $500 blowjob yeah I still got some in the bank I'll probably walk dogs Are you still working off your savings from that $500 blowjob? Yeah, I still got some in the bank.

I'll probably walk dogs. It's a lateral move. He's going to think that this question isn't genuine, but it is. Do you like Chicago thick pizza? Sometimes. From where? I don't know. Exactly.

I've never been there. I love Lou's. Lou's is good. The other one's not so much I just spent the entire week in Chicago I just got back yesterday it's a hell of a town I really hate it

I really truly it's one of my least favorite cities there's wind four different fucking directions I've never been must be nice

no it's a hell of a town Chicago Chicago it's a hell of a town. Chicago, Chicago, it's a hell of a town. Ha! Holy fucking shit. Chicago! It's not really pizza. No, it's a pizza. That should be their ads. It's thick, it's a cow. It's not really.

That should be their ads. It's thick. It's more like lasagna. Open cow's door. Sorry. So, Alex, you're going to walk dogs. This lease that you signed, is it expensive? Probably. What do you pay in a month?

I never ask anybody that directly, but I'm going to ask you. Can I guess? In blowjobs. Oh. Oh. From sucking dongs to walking dogs. How many do you think a month I got to do? Well...

I'm asking the questions now. So how much is your fucking rent? I mean, what is... I don't know. Is there like... You told me not to answer the question, so I'm not going to answer the question. What? You just told me not to answer the question. Who told you not to answer the question, so I'm not going to answer the question. You just told me not to answer the question. Who told you not to answer the question?

You said if I want to be funny, don't answer the question. No, no, no. That's not what I said. Oh my God. There must be like an energy vortex on this stage right now. Just something siphoning it down into the depths of hell. No, what I said was you shouldn't

try to be funny. You should be honest during the question and answer part. You were doing a lot of jokes. I'd be like, how much is your rent? And you would be like, how many blowjobs do you think it is? Because it's none of your business how much I pay. Well, okay. No, that's a fair answer. There's a couple broke people that wooted for

you on that one. But, you know, I was just curious what your new lease is for. I would expect it being pretty low. Nobody really gives a fuck anyway. I've been doing this show for five years and four months, so I like to mix in a different question every once in a while. And uh, it's the first time I've asked it. Friday's gonna be 300 episodes.

You could have been the first person to not only get that question, but answer it. But you chickened out like a coward in the end. That's why I think you're going to be walking dogs forever. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm telling you. I don't know what's in my veins tonight.

It's a weird, I mean, like, there's a lot of people. Ice. Evil. Negative energy. Negative energy. Ice, evil, negative energy. Wow, the crazy guy just went insane for a second. Look at that.

Okie dokie. Alex, any fun hobbies or anything that, any special skills that you have? Any talents or anything like that? What's that one? What did I miss there? Like Papa Roach, this is our last resort right here. Yes.

I like to read. Isn't that so boring? Yes. I like reading. Yes. Yes, I love that fucking boring? Yes. Yes. Yes, I love that fucking answer. Man. Fucking great, man.

Fucking books. Yes. Yes. What is happening? Yes, I'm so happy. What are some hobbies, something fun that we can read? I fucking read. So good. There she goes. Alex Seligson, everybody.

There she fucking goes. There she goes. Paying rent. Who knows how much? Tony. You know, it's funny. Out of all the questions that you asked, that was... Sometimes I'm like, oh, that one I was actually curious. Just to learn the lay of the land.

Isn't it funny, the band dresses like psych ward patients the episode that I lose my mind in. Like, it's just so, everybody's so in sync, it's incredible. It's so fun, I mean, truly. Wow. Ichabod's bucket of destiny is swirling around us. Okay, let's go to one of our favorite human beings in the world. We have a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand new minute

every single week. You never know what he's going to do. It's normal. This might be the episode. Make some noise for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. What's up?

I think fat people who go jogging don't care about their ankles. Look at me, I'm jogging. But your ankles are yelling for help. My mom used to say, boy, you are silly. And I would say, no, mama, I'm Malcolm. I'm your son. I pick cotton, candy over funnel cakes.

You guys are racist. My friend told me to shut up, and I said... Whenever I see a stop sign with the words stop on it, I stop. But if I see a red octagon with no words on it, I'ma run it. Because I ain't listening to no damn shape. I was driving, and I seen flashing lights, and I was driving and I seen flashing lights and I was like, oh, that's just the acid kicking in. We are safe.

That is not the police. Well. There it is. Fucking amazing. Built for it. A goddamn machine. Came out guns a blazing doing fucking 13 jokes in 60 seconds. Unbelievable.

You are the man. The great Malcolm Hatchet. With that type of style, it's so cool because you could throw those around anywhere in a big crazy set and figure out the right place for those out of all the jokes that we've heard before and that you have and all your material. I love your style because it's sort of like

an interesting one-liner type of rapid fire fucking delivery that I don't, with your type of likability and the way that you get into those jokes, it's so fun. Todd Glass. And I always ask the same question because I'm curious every time, just how long you've been doing it. December 11th will be four years for me.

Cool, yeah. You're funny, man. And he's been in L.A. what now? A year and like two months. Uh-huh. Where are you from? North Carolina. Did you say? Oh, you didn't say.

Okay, cool. North Carolina. North Carolina. You like North Carolina, Todd? You been there a lot? Do not lie. Is that where Charlie Goodnights is? Yeah, hell yeah.

Yeah. I like that. I like that street it was on. Yeah. I didn't really do any. I don't, you know, that's all I did, but it was great. Yeah. I'm from a city. That shit, Raleigh lame. I like that street it was on. I didn't really do any. I don't, you know, that's all I did. But it was great. Yeah.

I'm from my city. That's it. Raleigh. Lame. I don't like Raleigh. Yeah. What's the same? Nice.

No, I'm kidding. Get it once you say you're not from there. I don't like. So I love you, Malcolm. Life is good. Anything crazy happened since last week? Nah, but two weeks ago, my friend Dustin introduced me to Ray Romano and Alan Harris. Wow.

Yeah. Were they nice? Yeah, it was real nice. They were just talking about coming up at the Cellar, and it was just dope to be in that room and just hear them talk. It was cool. It was real cool. You still working at your job? Yeah, I'm still there, man.

What? I make my pizzas, man. Where at? Where do you make pizza? Sherman Oaks at a place called Pedrino's Pizza. You're making pizzas? No, no, no. Hell no. You're delivering. I'm just making pizza. What do you make pizza? Sherman Oaks at a place called Pedrino's Pizza. You're making pizzas? No, no, no. Hell no. You're delivering.

I'm making pizza. What do you do? I deliver and I tell jokes to the customers. What's the average tip you get when you deliver a pizza? Well, if I'm funny, maybe like $10, $15. So I always try to go to the door with energy. Like, hey, I got the pizza. I'll be right back.

And they give me a tip. It'd be so cool, man. Man, what's your schedule like working that job? Oh, well, he pretty much gives me my own schedule. But like the weekends, I work like all day. Like from like open to close. And it's like fast. How many, what do you mean when you say open to close?

Like what? From like 11 hours. Wow. I'm hustling. I bought these shoes today. Look. Wow. Look at that.

America shoes. That's cool. I like pizza, man. The guy, he just, he just, he just, he like, he found me in a 7-Eleven buying candy. And he, yeah, and the comic came in. We started talking. He was like, you do comedy? I was like, yeah.

And I went to the car. He was knocked on the window. Come back. I was like, all right. He was like, help me promote started talking. He was like, you do comedy? I was like, yeah, and I went to the car. He was knocked on the window, come back. I was like, all right. He was like, help me promote my pizza. I was like, fuck that, just give me a job. He gave me a job, and he was like, I don't want this job to control your life. So I was like, shit, let me get a full-time schedule then.

Because I ain't never heard nobody say that. He knew you from the podcast, though, right? What podcast? From Kill Tony? Who? I thought the guy knew you from Kill Tony. Who? I thought the guy knew you from Kill Tony. Who?

The pizza guy? Yeah. Oh, no, not that guy. No, no, no.

Oh, that means I don't listen to you. All right, moving on. Joel is sick. Well, how did he want you

to promote his pizza place? because he followed me on Instagram. Like, pretty much, like, you can have it on shows on Mondays.

I can bring it here and stuff. He just wanted people to know about it because they was, like, doing a grand opening soon. So he did know you before? No, he didn't bring it here and stuff. He just wanted people to know about it because they was doing a grand opening soon.

So he did know you before? No, he didn't know me. Never mind. Yeah, he didn't know me at all. He didn't know you at all, but he asked you to promote his pizza place. Because I was in the store talking to a comic at the 7-Eleven. And we was talking about comedy. And then I dressed dumb.

So he's like, this dude looks funny. That's what he thought. He told me that when he hired me. For real, though. And he followed me on Instagram. He was like, ooh, follow us. And he was like, oh, money. So he was like, promote it.

Like, just help him out. He's probably smart because you were probably being like you are now at the candy store. And he goes, I got to fucking hire this guy. It looks like he seems friendly, you know. And then he's dead now, right? Nah, he alive. Oh, okay, cool. Anything crazy happen on any of those deliveries?

Has it ever turned into like a porno or anything like that? Is that what happened? No, he alive. Oh, okay, cool. Anything crazy happen on any of those deliveries? Has it ever turned into like a porno or anything like that? Nah, man, but it's like cool, man. It was just one. It's like when you go to the older women, like this old white lady, they keep saying goodbye like a lot. Like I bring her a piece. She's like, okay, baby.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And I was walking on the street. She opened up the window. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

She called the store. Yeah,-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. She called the store. Yeah, yeah. Bye-bye. Did you get that shirt on a movie set? Because it just says college. Yeah. I'm going to get dropped out of college, but I got this from a thrift store. Why do you think they say bye-bye like that?

Because maybe she just don't hear herself the first time. She's like real old. Oh, okay. I thought, you know what I thought? Did you she just don't hear herself the first time. She's like real old. Oh, okay. I thought, you know what I thought? Did you know what I... What's the second to that, you might think? Maybe she want me to come in. Yes. She be like, bye-bye.

Okay, bye-bye. Yeah. She was old. See, that guy's offended now. White lady. He said you delivered a pizza to his grandmother. Now he's going, he's leaving. He said bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Well, Malcolm. I love it. he's leaving. He said bye-bye. Bye-bye. Well, Malcolm. I love it. That's it. Another great set. Another great interview. Malcolm! The great Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen.

I didn't get a good handshake in. You know when you get a half of a handshake? He'll be around. No, it wasn't his fault. I have gout. You mean lupus. You guys want to go back to this fucking evil bucket tonight or what, huh? Hey!

This guy's saying no. He can't handle it anymore. Hey, whoa, look at this. Aphrodite holding a sign that says Aphrodite's 63rd birthday. What? Make some noise for Aphrodite, everybody. Oh, my God. It's crazy.

You are adorable. I love that you're treating this like it's let's make a deal or something like that. Holding up signs. Aphrodite. It's like we're on the TV set. So palpability in the air tonight. You can feel it. There really is.

Good morning, America. Can I get a drink? What's that? Can I get a drink? Yeah. I just started drinking. I love it. What would you like?

I've been drinking every day. Seven, eight, nine, ten drinks a day. It's fun. I feel like you drink scotch on the rocks. Am I right? I don't care. I drink anything. I used to never drink my whole life.

Now I'm drinking. I had six drinks today. I'm like, that's why people drink. I'm great. What do you want to drink right now? Oh, can I just get a shot of Jack? Yeah. Okay, yeah.

Can I just get a shot? Let's all do them, dude. Fuck it. Why not? Let's get fucked up, dude. Let's Okay. Yeah. Can I just get a shot? Let's all do them, dude. Fuck it. Why not? Let's get fucked up, dude. Let's get fucked up. I want to get fucked up, right? Yeah.

I'm tripping balls, man. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Kim McVicker. Kim McVicker. Hey. Serious. That's rude. Kim McVicker. Seriously, that's rude. Kim McVicker.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Seriously. Watch your mouth. Oh, here she comes. Here she comes. Kim McVicker. Hey, another Baywatch moment. Seriously, that's not it.

That's rude. One more time for Kim McVicker. What did I just fuck? That's really rude. I used to be a professional dancer, not a stripper. I used to dance for rappers, so it's different. No, it is. In 2005, I was dancing for Puff Daddy,

and I was what you'd call the token left thigh girl. It's still different because I'm in a union. Anyways, so I was down there, and I was stroking, and I was arching my back. I went to school for this. Anyways, I was down there, I was arching my back, and I was looking forward because there's a lot. And I accidentally touched Diddy's Diddy.

I did, I touched Diddy's penis. And I was like, oh my God, I am so sorry. And Diddy was like, no! That's what I want more of! I want more dick grabbing, more tit grabbing, and more sex! And as a woman, in 2005, I was like, yes! Hell yeah. Kim McMicker.

I feel like that's a true story, right? Yeah, it is. Sorry. Yeah. So that was really 2005? Yeah, it was. Puff Daddy, huh? Yeah.

What was the video? What was the song? No, okay, so that whole story is a little longer. It was when he was hosting the VMAs, and it was when Hurricane Katrina was hitting Florida before it hit everything else. And we got trapped in the venue with, like, Diddy. Who else was there?

It was a weird week. I got trapped with Diddy. I got trapped with MC Hammer and Snoop Dogg. Wow. Did you guys make trap music while you were there? I wish. Yeah. I'm winded

from running from there to here. So you guys got trapped. How long were you trapped in there for? The VMAs happened the day after the hurricane hit. We got trapped in the day before because it was like tech. So they like kept us in the dome just to be safe. But we were being paid in there.

So it was like overtime for us. So we were cool with it. How long were you trapped in there for? Like, I don't know, like 16 hours or something stupid. 16 hours. Hell yeah. This is just a number. Did you sleep in there? No, we went to our hotels eventually.

They let us go. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. That's my question. Yeah? All here in L.A.? Yeah, actually, yeah.

This is where you were born and raised? No, I'm Canadian. Happy Thanksgiving, if anyone's Canadian. Wow. The Canadians go crazy in the room. It's Thanksgiving today. Why do you guys have a Thanksgiving? Happy Thanksgiving.

Did you guys have to kill to get your land? Yeah. I thought she was from Wintersville. Oh, God. That's number seven. I guess I'm getting tattooed. Hey, real quick. How much do you pay for rent?

Good question. In sandwiches. The unanswerable question of the universe. What do you do for work now, Kim? I just do choreography in this. Wow, you're able to do that for a living. Yeah. That's great.

Man, that is so cool. Yeah, it's nice. What's the coolest dance thing that you've ever put together or helped anyone with? Anything important? Anything like... Nothing important.

I always dance for rappers. So I was like the token white girl for a long time. And now I do choreography for musical so I was like the token white girl for a long time and now I do choreography for like musicals and stuff like that we talked about this last time I was here which is fine

did I ask you to dance last time you were here? no how long have you been in California? no if you would catch me that would be so nice. I've been here for five years. Okay. Chaos.

Chaos yet again. Hey! How long have you been in California? Maybe six years now. You know there's a sun here, right? Damn it. We're actually up to eight right now. No, come on.

I'm looking for a great tattoo artist in the LA area. Out of line. He had to still give me the rim shot for it because he's professional. He didn't want to do that because I got him real good. You do have a, you do have pretty, you do have sort pretty... I see why Joel's making jokes. You sort of have a pale, arctic type of look. Maybe it's the Canadian.

But I notice that your arms are pretty tan. You go outside a lot? I don't go outside that much. Diddy spray tan. I really don't. I walk, and that's about it. Dance is an inside sport.

Funny. When you do go outside, what do you like to do? If I go outside, I'll go for a hike. Keep talking. I mostly do inside stuff. Yeah, sure. What SPF do you use? I don't.

Oh, that's bad. I'm 35 and I don't. Yeah. Man. So when you do go outside, you go for hikes. What else do you like to do? It's good you don't go outside. The sun, fuck you, you're done.

I'm 28. You look great. And I went out in the sun a lot. It's true. It's not good for you. You ever go for like a bicycle ride or anything like that? I own a bicycle. Yeah, I do bicycle. Do you like Reese's Pie a bicycle ride or anything like that? I own a bicycle. Yeah, I do bicycle.

Do you like Reese's Pieces? No. You don't? Are we doing an ET? I don't know what's happening here. I thought this was going into like an ET bit. This is the one. This is happening.

Where'd you say you're from? I'm originally from Toronto, Canada. Oh, Toronto's great. Yeah. Did you like it there? I did. I mean, I love going there. Everyone's a lot of cool comics.

It's friendly. Good scene, right? It's very fun. I have my green card here, so I'm going to stay. You do? How'd you get your green card? From dancing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Through. Wow. Wow, they give you a green card for dancing? They do. I should have told my dad that. All right, you reset. There it is. There it is. Even I can admit. Even I can admit. That's right, you reset. There it is. There it is.

Even I can admit. That's right, everybody. We're closing it down. That was a close one. That was close, though. You were two off. That's a good one. Ha ha, Brian.

Brian, the official umpire of funny. He's a lumpire. Well, we're back to number one. Yeah. Bring it on. So you could really get a green card just from having a career that...

It's the same as any entertainment comedy as well as television. You have to prove that you're better than anyone who kind of looks like you. Whoa. Really? Good Lord. Do you have a special dance move or anything like that that you do? No.

I really don't. I am surprised that I got as far as I did. You ever salsa dance? I wish. He was good, though. You can't even do that. Well, that was fancy to me. He did great. So who did you

say you were better looking than like a white ET? That's just like what the casting people have to do. I started out touring for Sabian Glover. I don't know if you know that. He's a tap dancer. Yes. Famous tap dancer. Sesame Street. I love him. Yeah, that's where I started.

In that world. Put that in your bio or something. Sorry, I'm into Sesame Street. I was almost in the Guinness Book of World Records for tap dancing. You were? Almost. I missed it by a fraction of a thing and then never went back and tried to beat it. How long did you tap dance for?

I still do. No, I'm saying for your Guinness World Record. Oh, it had to do with speed. It was like how many sounds you can get per second or something. How many times was that? I missed it by like two sounds in a millisecond or something stupid. And then I could do like a trick

that only like six people in the world could do. What's that trick? It's called a double wing. What do you do on it? Can you show us? It's a wing, but you do two at the same time? I can't do it in boots. You won't hear anything. It'll just look like I'm jumping in the air like an idiot.

Okay. Well, there you go. Hey! Kim McVicker, ladies and gentlemen. Kim McVicker! Now you've got to sing. Kim McVicker, ladies and gentlemen. Kim McVicker! What do you say we go to the bucket

19 more times, guys? First I was afraid. Let's do it. One last thing. I, I was afraid. Let's do it. One last thing. I was petrified. Your final. I kept thinking, how could I ever live without you by my side? Of the show.

But then I spent so many nights feeling lonely by myself. A few tickets still available. And now I'm back to. Come on, you know it. La, la, la, la! Perfect. Still some tickets available for the late show in San Francisco. We just got word that there's more tickets available now than there were at the start of this show. Yeah, the first show is now available.

A lot of people have returned their tickets, realizing the sweet facade of the show, that the format is penetrable and probably not worth the money. that the format is penetrable and probably not worth the money. Wow, you're really digging around in there. Seems like there's some erroneous activity going on. If you want to pull out the final one of the night... No, I'm kidding. Can't joke anymore.

You can't joke about anything anymore. The walls are getting smaller. Okay. Make some noise for Julian Aguilar, your final comedian of the night, performing in uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Julian Aguilar. From the back corner again.

Here we go. All comics just sit in that back corner for sure. Oh, I love this kid. It's that young guy. One more time for Julian Aguilar, everybody. One more time for Julian Aguilar, everybody. What's up, fuckers? I've always wondered what it's like to be a fish.

Think about it. You're just swimming, doing fish things, and then you get hungry, and you see something wiggling, and you go, oh, not again. Ah! Ah! Ah! What the fuck is going on? Ah!

And then we just catch him and throw him back in for fun so then when he goes back in his friends are like bob bob bob bob bob what happened bob bob bob bob your jaw's fucked up bob that's it guys my name is ewan aglaria fuck yeah do your parents know where you are right now My name is Julian Aguilar, y'all. Fuck yeah. Do your parents know where you are right now? Crazy Jeremiah? I would like to put you in a rum commercial. Just your bottom half.

What is the number on your race car bed? Number seven. I bet it is. How old are you? You're probably older than you look, right? How old are you? You could be like 23 or you could be 17. He's 42.

I would say 16. I mean, my guess is obviously you have to be 21 to be here. So my guess is that you're 24 and that you just look like that. You're over 30 because stankonia came out when I was in middle school. Are you older than 24? Maybe. I hate this. What am I asking you? Your fucking rent? Jesus Christ.

Maybe. Who knows? I've never seen an interview before. No, I'm younger. How old are you? 22. 22? Ladies, get your purses ready.

Happy birthday to you. Come on, it's his birthday. He just told us. All right, well, what do you do for a living? You were just on last week, right? Yeah. Yeah, what did I find out about you? You're a professional jockey?

No. No? What is it? What do you do for work? No, I'm not working right now. You're not working. You're retired, 22 years old. You sucked a dick for $500.

How do you make money? And now you're just fucking, your name is retired. You live with your parents? No, uncle and aunt. And you don't have to pay rent, right? No, we fine. They don't make you pay, right? No, we fine.

So that helps you. Why your uncle and your aunt, as you called it? I moved out here like a year ago. From where? Florida. Oh, is that like Mexico? And they know you won't No!

No! And they know you do stand up, right? No. Oh, they don't? No, I don't. Oh, I thought they were trying to help you out. I thought they're cool. No, they don't know.

They're horrible people. So what does your uncle and aunt do? What are they like? My aunt just stays at home. My uncle, he works on doors. He works on doors. He works on doors? Wow. On doors?

On doors. Doors. Is he Jim Morrison? No. What does he do for doors? I don't know. He like welds them if they're like, or like if it's fucked up.

So like metal doors, not even regular doors. He's a welder maybe. Does he put them on? Does he put them on the thing? That sounds more, a welder, maybe. Put him on. Does he put him on the thing? That sounds more a welder. You should say welder. It's like if someone goes, what do you do? I play with knobs.

And then someone goes, you're a pilot. Stop saying you play with knobs. Same thing. I'm a welder. He plays with doors. I'm just saying if he was here, he'd be like, what the fuck's he telling people? Have you ever asked? I went to college. I'm a brilliant welder. And then you would be so upset. There's a guy in the back of the room crying right now. I'm a welder. I went to college. I'm a brilliant welder. And then you

would be so upset. There's a guy in the back of the room crying right now and I have a feeling it's your uncle. And I hear him saying something about you can go fucking find your own place to live. Something. I have a clairvoyant. Okay, I'm done. Does he have his own door company here? Is it his own business or does he work for a bigger company? It's actually

like my great uncle's business. Oh, your great uncle. I met him. He's not my great-uncle's business. Oh, your great-uncle. I met him. He's not that great. Jesus. Okay. Two. All right.

Wow. So, Julian, what's it like being 22 nowadays? What does a guy like you do for fun? I mean, you're not working. Your aunt and your uncle don't expect anything from you. They're just like, go chase your dreams, little mijo. Yeah. Whatever you guys say to them.

That's what my parents say to me. I swear to God. What do they think you do? I just tell them I come out to Hollywood and I'm just doing something. What do they think you want to do? Like when you're eating dinner with them? It's because I don't want to tell them. Crazy Jeremiah?

How many times have you heard your dad say, Lucy, I'm home? He said never. Does an old guy ever pay you to masturbate yet? Hold on. So here's the question. So what do they... Is this what happened to Elian Gonzalez? So when you're sitting at the dinner table...

I'm crazy! It could be. Maybe he is. Maybe he is. He might be now. I thought he was faking it, but now I'm starting to think the three of them aren't. Seriously, I'm not trying to be rude.

You wouldn't know what you were saying if you're crazy. People, you know what's funny? With all the crazy people in the world, let me just say this real quick. Everyone's not that crazy, you know? There should be accidents on the highway every night, and the answer should be people are crazy. Overwhelmingly, no.

People should be plowing into each other like fucking maniacs. Yeah, we're all crazy, but we manage to stay in the lines. Everybody wants to be here. I'm so crazy, but I stay in the lines 99% of the time. So just fucking be nice to people. I'm going to go back to an earlier question. I don't think we got an answer out of, are you Elian Gonzalez?

No. I'm Julian Arias. They do say rafter is the best medicine Who's on a raft Alright I'm serious I do want to know this Somebody in the crowd might also So when you're at the dinner table

And you're talking about what you want to do You're out here What do they think your goals are You're going to go to school What do they think I don't know Let me ask you something Julian What do they think? I don't know. You'd have to ask them that. Let me ask you something, Julian. What do you talk about at dinner?

I don't eat dinner with them. Oh, I knew it. That's what I was trying to figure out. Mijo, why don't you eat dinner with us? Where you been, homie? Because I ain't no bitch, mom. Wow. Don't you think your aunt and your uncle might be proud of you

if they knew that you were at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip? I don't know. Well, let me ask you something. Can we call them right now on speakerphone and find out? It's been a long... I don't know if you've been sitting in the room the whole time. It's been a long episode here tonight. And I think that

this crowd might really like it if you called your aunt and uncle. Red Band's saying no. He doesn't know if we have the time for you to pull out your calling card to call your actual aunt and uncle. It's that four digit hand.

My phone's not connected right now. Your phone's not connected right now? You can use my phone if you want. I don't think they'll understand. My phone's not connected right now. Your phone's not connected right now? If you guys want to call him off, you're welcome. You can use my phone if you want. All right, there you go. Whatever. Cricket doesn't have service in here.

Is that a Mexican thing? Like you have his uncle and aunt's numbers in your phone or something? How about if we say you performed and you killed, and everyone will applaud, and they'll be like, oh, something's going on up there. Right? We can do that. Right?

Thank you, Mom. So anyway, let me just fill you in on some things, Julian, because I've made this mistake a couple times where people just hit send and then they don't put it on speakerphone and they do it messed up. So just sort of like listen to my orders throughout the whole thing, okay? Okay. All right. But when you hit send, put it on speakerphone and then put the bottom of the phone directly

up to the end of the microphone. And the audience needs to be really quiet. Yes. I'm sorry they speak Spanish for you white people, okay? Oh, shit. Who the fuck are you talking to? Oh, yeah, that's not fun at all. Yeah.

Fuck this. I guess we won't really know what they're saying unless Joel transcribes. I know a little bit. At the very beginning, though, like, say this, though, at the very beginning, being recorded for a podcast.

Like, real fast. I know enough to... I'll be able to translate, honest. I know enough. I'm not able to translate honest I know enough I'm not perfect but you'll be surprised I'm gonna call okay okay let's try it out we have nothing to fucking lose and I don't know any Spanish I just wanted to be honest

before we I'm being recorded Say hi Hi Abuelito Hey Hey Tell them what you're doing I'm at the comedy store Say hi. Hi. Abuelito. Hey. Hey. Tell them what you're doing.

I'm at the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard on Kill Tony right now. He said he don't understand me right now. He's in Spanish. now. What's up, man? Say it in Spanish. Oh, right now I'm in the comedy store here in Hollywood. Do you know how I'm saying it? Uh-huh.

I'm here. Oh, yeah? Uh-huh. No, I'm going to be here at home. I'm going to see. Tell him you performed. Tell him you just did a show. Tell him that you did good. Lie to him.

Okay. Tell him you did a show tell him that you did good lie to him okay okay no no no it's okay it's okay, it's okay. He said, he's like, do you want me to come pick you up? Ask him if he's proud of you for performing at the Comedy Store, the number one comedy club in the world. Dicen que piensas... Dicen que piensas... Dicen que piensas.

Joel knows how to speak Spanish. Let him ask him. Hola. Hola. Quiere saber si tu estas, si le apoyas a su comedia. Aqui esta en un cuarto grande con muchas personas. Aqui esta.

Queremos saber si tu le apoyas a su comedia. He said he wants to hear your comedy first. There you go. Tell him farewell. Tell him you love him or whatever you guys say. He's funny. I love you. Bye. Hell yeah. There you go. I love it.

What a great wholesome finish all the way through. It fucking worked. Call your parents. It worked. It fucking worked. There was a part of the show where somebody said they read. And it worked. That was awesome.

How do you feel now, Julian? I feel fine. Now you have something to talk about at dinner tomorrow. That's my only goal. Yeah, exactly. That's going to be interesting tomorrow. You guys are going to be laughing over a bowl of chorizo. Hey, I'll tell you now what the hitter is.

I'll tell you that's no better than the hitter. I'm a sister. She came down Florida. My brother, he was in the city. I'm a sister. And who says this show isn't just for white males 18 to 25? I've never even heard that before. That for white males 18 to 25. I've never even heard that before. That's crazy.

18 to 35. Alright, there he goes. Julian Aguilar, ladies and gentlemen. Ryan Shaibo with an unbelievable drawing. Fucking great episode. Todd, anything you want to plug or promote coming out, Todd? I have my Netflix special

Act Happy on Netflix right now and my podcast. Jeremiah Watkins has a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out every single week. It's an awesome show. The live stand-up on the spot podcast. First ever live podcast version of it tomorrow night, 8 p.m. in the belly room with so many great comedians. What else, Jeremiah?

At Jeremiah's stand-up on social media and Reagan Watkins, we got another music video dropping soon. Chroma Chris, thank you so much. He's on Instagram, Chroma Chris. Did you have fun tonight, Chris? Sure did. It felt like it was just a talent show at the ward.

Just another night. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez was here, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, honestly, I fucking, Todd, I love Todd Glass. I've been a big fan for a long time. Watch whatever he does. I actually went to his special taping. Check it out on Netflix, you idiot. Hey, I love that.

And I'll be in San Francisco on Friday. That's right. Kill Tony Mania. Still a few tickets available. And don't forget about November 9th or 11th or whatever that is in Swansea, Massachusetts. That's a huge Kill Tony as well. Thank you so much, live audience. Why don't we all go out at the same time singing a happy 63rd birthday to the great Aphrodite, huh?

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Aphrodite. Happy birthday to you. Aphrodite63. See you guys. I feel so bad I just feel sorry for myself

I used to cry But now I hold my head up high and you see me. Somebody new. I'm not that chained up little bird who's still in love with you. And so you're stuff like rocking in and just expect me to be free. Now I'm saving all my love and force. I'm one of those.

Go!