KILL TONY - KILL TONY #3

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Sarah Tiana, Dean Delray, Tony Hinchcliffe, Iron Patriot, Brian Redban - Date: 06/17/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please subscribe to us on iTunes and Stitcher, or just go to DeathSquad.tv. There you'll also find all our tour dates. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going to Toronto next month, July. We've already sold out, I believe, all the shows. So they just added a fourth show, and i think that might be sold out also so they might be adding a fifth show so just keep your eyes out for death squad dot tv or twitter uh you can follow me red band r-e-d-b-a-n or tony at t-o-n-y-h-i-n-c-h-c-l-i-f-f- e hinchcliffe h plus inchcliffe plus e yeah he needs to change his last name

and this is the first episode where we actually change his podcast title and we talk about it at the beginning a lot of people have have their own opinions about the change um but whatever also this part of the podcast there's a good i think like a nine minute ten minute chunk where uh we had some audio problems so i had to go to our backup audio uh for like 10 minutes and it doesn't sound as good but it gets back to normal in about 10 minutes so there is a piece of this podcast that that the audio is a little weird at one point but it's not a big deal also uh don't forget you can always check out the video portions of these podcasts at death squad.tv and don't forget comic-con 2013 will be in san diego everything can be found at death squad.tv so chill the fuck out

anyways here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rip Ant coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new Death Squad podcast. Give it up for your host, Tony Hinchcliffe. Here I am, everybody. Hello. It's good to be here. Here we are again. Episode three of the Hinchcliffe Notes. Heck yeah. A huge success. How's the crowd out there tonight? They're here. They're live in the flesh. It's actual people. You did a weird thing today. You texted me something that I couldn't tell if you were just super, super stoned or fucking with me.

I was super stoned. What did you say? You said, hey, I got a good idea. If you think it's a good idea, why don't we change the name to the podcast? Well, we never officially named it. I wanted to name it Hinchcliffe's Notes, and then you started saying, well, it's a pilot, so you can change the name. And then I started thinking, well, it's a pilot, so you can change the name.

And then I started thinking, well, I mean, now that that's in the air, maybe it's changeable. Well, it's already episode three now. Okay. But your idea was completely weird to me. Well, it seemed weird. I was going to explain it more to you, but then we were just texting, and I'm like,

I'm not going to call just to explain the thing. Right. But if we talk about it somebody else is gonna do it right because it does have a thing because the kill in the thing would have meant that you were making me laugh I see all right that makes sense yeah I thought it was just random he wanted

to call it kill Tony and like have a kill bill have it be like kill bill themed where I'd be like in a yellow suit with a sword and shit for its cover yeah I kind of like that. And in that Kill Bill font because comedians are doing time and if you make me laugh that's pretty awesome. That's actually a

really good idea now that you explained it. It makes so much more sense. I know. I thought before you would just think that I was trying to be cool like, hey, kill Tony. And then it would be like Kill Bill themed. It's just like something that would, but if you kill, it means kill on stage, not like kill... Right.

Yeah, I was not even thinking that, though. Maybe if other people wouldn't get that either, unless you're like a hardcore comic or something like that. You know, if you just saw that podcast, you'd be like, kill Tony. What's that? But it does seem sort of edgy, you know? It does.

Kill Tony. It's easier to say. It's definitely easier to say. It's definitely easier to spell. I mean, that's a huge deal with Hinchcliffe's Notes. I mean, and there's an apostrophe in it. It's not really hashtagable. I say Kill Tony's up there, man.

Really? What do you guys think? Hinchcliffe's Notes or Kill Tony? Really? Well, that seems like it's it. Kill Tony. This is the third episode of this podcast, but we'll say that this is the first one in which the new...

Wait, you know what? I like what you're thinking. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our head of security here, as always, the Iron Patriot. Nice to see you guys tonight. I'm the Iron Patriot. I will lead us into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. Hell yeah. He always keeps me safe, makes sure that nobody fucks with me physically, and he's perhaps one of the least mobile superheroes in recorded history. You can say what you want, though. It's very difficult to wear this costume. No, I know. That's what I'm saying. Unlike Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark, your suit is a little bit more armored.

Yes. This is no CGI. If you want to go see a pansy, go to the movie. This is the real thing. Wow. Look at that. He's feisty under there. Well, he's been doing the podcast.

He's been taking a tour of all the podcasts. Well, yeah. We found out he came up to us just a moment ago. He always shows up perfectly just a few minutes before the show time. And he says, after I was on your episode

last week as your head of security for the first time, because that was his first show was last week. He said, all of a sudden, my podcast confidence got up. I did the Adam Carolla podcast on Wednesday.

He's part owner of an Italian restaurant down at Beverly. There you go. A 48 hour turnaround. If you're on my podcast, you get another podcast. So, you know, that's exciting. And then what was the other podcast?

Friday I went to the Hollywood Improv for a Kevin Smith show. Jesus Christ. He likes comic books. I thought I asked him if he likes the Iron Patriot from the comics or the Iron Patriot from the Iron Man. And was his answer, security! He didn't really care as much as I do.

He thought my costume was cool and we did a picture and he's a real nice guy. Hell yeah, man. I got pictures on my Twitter page. And then you mentioned getting here was a little bit tough tonight, huh? Yes, the bus went right by me. I was the only one at the bus stop. I put out my stop sign

and it just went right by me. I think the lady thought she had a great look on her face like I was crazy. You need to have a flag or something. What's the universal sign for stop the bus? I should have done that because I went like this. She thought you were just posing.

I was doing the Iron Man thing. Yeah. That was a mistake. So the bus passed you up. Luckily, the second bus picked you up, right? Yeah, because there was other people standing there with me. Right. Oh.

So I got to do it. Red band, I got to do this thing. Yeah, do the wave thing. Or just actually block. I need to get out in front of that bus and just block. Right. No, I wouldn't do that. Right. Let's put that armor to the test. Yeah, do the wave thing. I need to get out in front of that bus and just block it. No, I wouldn't do that. Right, let's put that armor to the test.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Like Brody Stevens said last week on the podcast, he was on it, and he said that he saw the Iron Patriot walking here. I said, what did that look like? He said, a lot of 90 degree angles. It's tough for an iron pitcher.

I wish this building was wheelchair accessible. Right. Because there's a lot of stairs here. Right. So do most of my girlfriends. There you go. Brian loves the handicapped girls. No, it's not good.

I quit smoking today, and I'm trying not to drink. What? And I'm trying not to drink and I'm trying not to drink it's my day two or three of not drinking so I'm very irritable you haven't had a cigarette all day and no dick pills for the last five days you know what it is I just don't want to fuck like crazy

if I don't take those boner pills I just want to sleep well maybe you need some sleep I also realize that since I've stopped take those boner pills. I just want to sleep. Well, maybe you need some sleep. Maybe I do. I also realized that since I've stopped, really something I don't do, I never drink water. You're supposed to drink six cups of water a day. I only

drink Starbucks and I think of it, well, it's an iced coffee. There's water in it. That counts, right? It does count, right? A little? Yeah, it does a little bit, but I'm the same way. I barely drink any water. I try to drink a half a glass in the morning and like some at night, but I'm the worst. So I started drinking water. I bought I have this case of water and I'm like, all right,

I might force myself to drink water. I drink like 14 bottles of water in like four hours. Wow. Heck, yeah. So your body's just catching up on all this stuff that it hasn't had the last few months. Water and sleep and not having a boner for a couple hours at a time. Well, how I noticed that I was very dehydrated is my gums are inflated right now. They're supposed to be filled with water and tissue and stuff, and they're just empty. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Iron Patriot, do you ever drink? Not when I'm working. Yeah. Wow. Iron Patriot. Do you ever drink? Not when I'm working. There you go. If you can give me a little, a little bit of a bud to go home, that'd be nice. I'm pretty sure,

I'm pretty sure the Iron Patriot just asked me for pot. That's a good man. Fuck yeah. I have some, uh, all right. I feel a lot man. Fuck yeah, I have some... Alright. I feel a lot of love in this room right now.

I need a cigarette so bad. Alright, let's get this show going, Tony. I'm a little disappointed that you decided to quit smoking on the day of my podcast. It's strategic. I could be irritable for this one. You work so hard

every day of the week. Why does mine have to be the one where your foot's about to shake off of the rest of your leg? I love it. I'm excited. You guys ready to meet our guest tonight? Put your hands together. Two of the funnier friends that I have

in the world. One, I'll just bring them up one at a time. First, one of my really good friends, very funny man, is a regular here at the Comedy Store. One of the fastest rising talents. You may have heard him on the WTF podcast with Marc Maron. He has his own podcast called Let There Be Talk. Put your hands together for my pal, Dean Del Rey, everybody. He's here.

One of the nicest guys in the business. Always has nothing but nice things to say about everybody. That's why I think he'll be a fun, hopefully good cop to my bad cop at times when I have to be. And then I'm so lucky to have my second guest here tonight. She is my one and only writing partner, one of the funniest human beings I know, somebody who I trust when I'm running stuff, the only writing partner that I have.

She writes with me on Comedy Central's The Burn. She was just on Chelsea Lately. Craig Ferguson got called over to the couch. It's Sarah Tiana, everybody. Another quick, fast-rising L.A. comedy talent. Thank you, Tony. Two of my favorite people. Thanks for having me.

Of course. As always, I went down to the front patio when 40 comedians were signing up earlier for the open mic in a different room at a different time in which they get three minutes if they're picked. People sign up for mine. We're going to do it a little bit differently this week. Normally the first 15 that sign up just get up right away and that's it. What we're doing tonight is a random pick out of a bucket

lottery. Oh, random. Yeah, so this segment, instead of Tag It or Fag It, it's going to be Bucket or Fuck It. Yeah. That sounds sweet. Hell yeah. So it's normally Tag it or fag it? Right. Okay.

Well, sometimes. We fag it with a P-H, by the way. And then we changed it to bag it. And then today I was kicked out of a webcam room for using the word retard because I didn't know the girl that was fingering herself had a retarded brother. Was it retard with a P-H, though? Yes. So you went no cigarettes, no boner pills, no drink,

but you're calling the girl on your webcam a retard? No, I said, I said, I would like to take you to Olive Garden and have sex with you in the bathroom.

She's like, that would be fun, but how would we do it? And I was like, I could act like your retarded brother. I could go to the bathroom with you.

And then she got pissed off and said her brother was a retard. Well, then that's accurate. Then it's a true story. Yeah. If she's doing a webcam. We'll be the twin brothers.

She's doing a webcam, a live webcam. She'd probably be the kind of girl that would want to get fucked by her retarded brother in an olive garden. So hilarious. She's offended by that. I would rather get fucked at the olive garden. I would rather get fucked by her retarded brother than Red Band. Getting fucked with the smell of garlic in the air in a public restroom sounds great, but you better not call my retarded brother a retarded brother.

Sir. How dare you? No offense, Red Band. Special needs does sound funnier anyway. How often does that pick-up line work in those chat rooms? I have a thing now. I have this stupid addiction. I'll probably never do anything with it

where I screen capture myself inside of sex cam rooms. While everyone else is like, oh, you're so hot, I'll just be inserting images of Olive Garden food and just being like, I would love to take you to the Olive Garden. I record the reactions

of what they say. Sometimes they're laughing their ass off while they're trying to fuck themselves. Other times they just ban me or shit like that. But I want to take all those videos and put it into an hour movie. That's good. An hour movie. I used to just try to say the rudest shit to get them off. You know, like off the line.

So I'd be like, oh, I want to eat your shit. And they'd be like, out. I got them every time. Right. Wait, you would heckle their chat room? Yeah. I would just get on there, right, and just say stuff like,

I want your turd to be like the Statue of Liberty. I want to grab it and hold it up like a five. And what if they stay on? They never do. Not on turd stuff. Are you sure it's what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. They're Not on turd stuff. Are you sure that's what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. They're out on turd stuff.

You know what I do? I just don't log on to those things. Just have sex. That's my move. Well, you've got to get with it. Do you use anything when you masturbate, Sarah? I know that you're from the South. You're a very, very good girl.

You like to have your fun. I mean, you're very like you're from the south you're a very very good girl um you like to have your fun i mean you're a real woman there's a there's a lot of chemicals and stuff going on in there you're very powerful it takes a lot to run an entire enterprise like sarah runs herself as like a business a schedule's packed always she's trying to build an empire here these two are two of the hardest working people. And I know a lot of people in this city. And that term gets thrown around a lot. Hardest working people in Hollywood. This is truly, and I didn't really even think about it until right now. You guys are two

of the hardest hustlers. Can I say something about Dean before we start? Thanks, Iron Patriot. Thanks for stopping his compliments toward me. He's definitely on something about that shit you have the timing of a Green Goblin

character this has something to do with what you're talking about I listened to Dean on the Mark Maron podcast today wow you did

he was once the DJ for the Rolling Stones that's right he said one time Mick Jagger was impressed he had a rare bootleg

of Bob Marley from his last show and Mick Jagger gave him a thumbs up yeah that's from his last show and Mick Jagger gave him a thumbs up. Yeah, that's true. There's a recap from a different podcast. Thanks for pumping that one right on.

Thumbs up from Mick Jagger, huh? What are you going to get an applause break from a kiss sometimes? Yeah, fuck, I'm just blowing up. A golf clap. So fun. That's cool. Thanks for listening that. You had an interesting life. Thank you so much. Oh, fuck. I'm just blowing up. The golf clap. It's so fun. That's cool. Thanks for listening to that. You had an interesting life. I just thought it was fantastic.

Thank you so much. Oh, yeah. Thank you, man. Definitely. I've heard a lot of great about that interview. It's good. It's fun. It was a time in my life.

No joke. I could do Mark Maron's podcast. It's like, fuck. In the garage, right? Yeah, man. Wow. Did you get nervous beforehand? You know, I never told this story, and I'll tell this story on here because it's pretty fucking funny.

I've always wondered what it would be like because I've thought about, you know, I sort of have an idea of the layout. I know Mark. I mean. Yeah, yeah. Well, a couple days before I had done a show in San Diego and I was riding home in the middle of the night and I hit a pothole on my bike and smashed my balls completely like oh and and over a couple days it

got worse and worse so I went to the hospital like cooked garlic like you know when you push it on like a cracker this just felt like fucking fire like my balls were on fire the whole time I don't know what's wrong I thought I had ball cancer or something so I go to the doctor, and they go, well, we're going to check you.

Is this during the podcast with Mark Barrett? This is two days before the podcast. They gave me these pills, so I'm on these pills doing the podcast. And so when I left, I didn't even remember the podcast at all until I listened to it. And I was like, wow, we made it.

How about that? I was pretty loaded on some paint loaded. How are your balls now? What did they diagnose that? They're good. Thank God. They just said you have smashed balls. Wow. But I thought I had testicular cancer.

And this is for you guys out here. If your balls ever hurt, if they hurt, testicular cancer doesn't hurt. Right. So you don't have that. Yeah. And there's a weird thing that was going on it was a hot asian girl that was sonaring my balls so as she was sonaring my balls she said what do you do and i said i'm a comedian and she's like oh do you know chris delia why my balls were in her hand

so it was like a strange threesome going on. She was like, can you introduce me to him? I'm like, my balls are in your hand. So that was weird. If I don't die of ball cancer, I can introduce you. What kind of etiquette do they got at Kaiser? That's horrible etiquette. It's just what a tease that they would use an Asian girl as the ball rubber. I know.

That's just Kaiser. The least happy ending possible. I need to crush my balls ASAP, Rocky. Yeah. I felt like I was at one of Red Band's rub map places. Yeah. Oh, funny. I'll bring that up. My favorite place closed down last week. Oh, it did? Which one? Oh, no. Now you have to quit

that, too. Place in Lancashire. Oh, my God. Was it an Olive Garden restroom? You're gonna feel so much better, Red Van, now that you quit drinking and when you quit smoking. You'll probably have way better sex. You think so? That's impossible.

It really is. I need to buy a tarp for my bed then. You probably should buy a bed that's not on the floor. I have a $4,000 bed. I'll put my bed up against your bed. I spend more money on my bed than anything else that makes you sleep 12 hours a day no you sleep 12 hours right that's most of us sleep six to eight

it's easier not to smoke when you're sleeping. You spent so much money on your bed. You're in your bed. I have this thing where I go to girls' houses and they have a fucking $200 bed. It's like a queen or something like that. And you wake up the next day and you want to shoot people because you're in so much pain. And I was like, why do you have such a shitty bed? She goes, what?

It's nice for me. I was like, look, you're in bed almost half your life. Why wouldn't you spend as much money as a car which you're only in for what? 30 minutes a day? Wow. So when you have sex with girls, you have sex with them in their bed? Yeah. That's shocking. I would never imagine that.

Why? Where? The ground? I don't know. Alley? Olive Garden is what you led with. So I don't imagine you in bed with a lady. Wow. No. What a h you in bed with a lady. No. What a hater, right? Jesus Christ.

You're so moody right now. What's going on with you? You were on a date a couple weeks ago. You still with that dude? On a date. Remember, you said it was going good. I don't know. You guys went somewhere. She must have had the herpy talk.

The herpy talk. What's that? How'd the date go? Which one? I went on. Ooh, which one which one yeah i've been on a few lately the white one yeah they're all white oh yeah she's from the south i uh would you ever go on a date with the iron patriot he just told me to stop. Thank you.

I like unlimited breadsticks. How does that knock it off? Do I like bananas? What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. All right. What do you guys say we start the... What's it called? Bucket or fuck it?

Yeah. Fuck yeah, everyone. This is exciting. So we're picking out of a bucket. Comedians get to do one minute of whatever they want. And then we give notes or say whatever we want, how we feel about it in any way, shape or form.

I know. They get some live feedback. Okay. Starting it off. Put your hands together for Scout Durwood. Everybody out. Kicking it off. your hands together for Scout Derwood everybody kicking it off Scout Derwood

it's a chick it's a lady she's putting her hair up she's getting serious cool well I don't want to brag but I'll take just a second to do that I happen to be a lady who dates ladies, big homosexual, and usually that gets an applause break, which I think we earn it

because we have to march for marriage equality just like so, so early in the morning. Like every march, it's like 8 a.m., and I don't know how much you guys know about the gays. It's over called the gays. But if it's too early for brunch, we're pretty much not signed up for it. For the men and for the ladies, like 8 a.m., that's, we definitely, like we definitely have softball practice then. Yeah, and people are like, oh, it must be hard to be gay. And it's like, no, you just go to college. Pretty much come out gay.

We have our own set of struggles. I was driving with my mom. We were lost, and she was like, go straight. And I was like, stop telling me how to live my life, woman. And then I did get beat up in a hate crime, though, which is who would do that? I'm so pretty. All right, that's the full minute of Scout Garewood.

Is that the sound that means it's done? That's when you know it's been a minute when you hear the kitty meow. Oh, it's a cat meowing? I think so. I thought it was like... Oh. Oh, yeah. Something like that.

What does that sound like to you? I don't know. I thought it was like a rooster clucking or something. Or a chicken clucking. A chicken fucking? Oh, I think you could do whatever you want. No, you stay here was like a rooster clucking or something. Or a chicken clucking. A chicken fucking? Oh, I think you could do whatever you want. No, you stay here. Okay.

I'm not in charge. Fuck yeah. First of all, what do you guys think about the lesbian? Are you really a lesbian? Yeah. See, I wouldn't give it an applause break because you're very beautiful. I would actually boo this. My girlfriend's real pretty too That's just

That's usually the opposite I mean you're kind of hot And usually you would go Like for a trucker Or something right She's the number one Female quarterback In the world

Wow That's huge in the Can you google her Real quick That's like That's fucking And do you play the center ever? Yeah. No?

No. Not in Hurley. I thought it was pretty good. I laughed out loud once. I think you could do some more specific stuff for sure. Yeah, definitely. Like when you say college. Talking about the top female quarterback that you're dating. That'd be great. But also when you say go talking about the top female uh quarterback that you're

dating that'd be great but also when you say go to college like you should name the specific college that you went to you just need to paint a picture a little bit more yeah maybe make it more story like like like actually real life like instead of like the college like you're saying kind of like explain like i went to college and you know it was a really nice you know kind of paint a picture for everyone yeah pretty much did you find out you were, did you commit to, did you come out of the closet when you were in college or before? When I was 19. So you were in college.

I was in college. But I slept with a man once in Belize when I was 24. Whoa. Wow. Just to make sure? Yeah. You've never slept with an American? Now I have.

But that's... An American man, I mean? Yeah, that happened way later. You've done a few dudes then. Yeah, when I moved from New York to LA, I did sleep with some guys. I went through a breakup. And I say that it's because the men in Los Angeles

look so much like the lesbians in New York. That's great. That's a good joke. Yeah. That's a good joke. That's in there. What was the first joke you said?

The one about. Oh, take a moment. The March joke. The marriage. Oh, yeah. The March. That's new. That's new.

Yeah. I just don't understand. I never feel like gay people sleep late. Yeah. Me neither. They seem more efficient. Yeah. Yeah neither they seem more efficient Than straight people Well they're popped up ready to fuck But it is a fun misdirect

To set up for the softball thing But also when you say March I think of the Month as well Oh right like rally maybe Yeah Parade I think it's different than a parade. Yeah.

Well, they have a lot of those too. You could probably say both. Protest. Well, maybe you should tell us the difference between a rally and a parade and a march. That could be a funny joke. Yeah. And definitely something about the top quarterback. I mean, that's ridiculous.

I play the ukulele and she's actually, her day job is as a ukulele, like rock and roller. Wow. So we're like two lesbians with ukuleles. that's ridiculous. I play the ukulele, and she's actually, her day job is as a ukulele rock and roller. So we're like two lesbians with ukuleles. That's awesome. You ever need a human-like vibrator in the bedroom one night? Chicks love musicians. That's what I do. Red Band's going to try to convert you one more time. No, you can just use me as a vibrator.

Chicks love musicians, right? Yeah, they do. Heck yeah. That's adorable. Yeah. No, you can just use me as like a vibrator. Chicks love musicians, right? Yeah, they do. Heck yeah. That's adorable. Anyway, Patreons together for Scout Derwood, everybody. There she goes. That's a tag it.

Yeah. I feel like there's a joke with her name and being a lesbian, too. Like scouts. Scouts are always good. My name is Scout, but yeah, I'm scouting for girls. Scout for girls. Something like that. Or Boy Scout, right? Anti-boys Scout.

Yeah, exactly. No Boy Scout. Dean, you ever hook up with a girl because they said that you look like a lesbian? You know, I would. You could be like a butchy one. Yeah, it's funny because I was just in San Francisco and there's lesbians that look like me. I'm such a butchy lesbian. I'm just like, good show.

And I'm like, whoa. That's hilarious. It's true. Steve. You should go up to cute lesbian chicks and say, I'm such a, after your shows, you go, I'm such a butch lesbian that I have a penis. Yeah, exactly. I'm the real deal.

You are about as butch of a lesbian as it gets. Well, I was trying to figure it out. If you're going for a full blown butch, just go dude. Right? I mean, why go rubber? I got distracted just now by Red Band smoking three e-cigarettes

at one time. Just wondering what kind of alien light show is going on to my left. Because there is just one more thing on stage that he can't have. That's why. Oh, shit. Who's next?

Fuck yeah. Let's keep it moving. Your next comedian talking about weight loss. Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. Hormoz Rashidi. Missing his spot. That son of a bitch. That means it's time for Jerron Horton.

Here he is. A regular. I've seen him here before. Jerron Horton is back. Another minute in the chamber. Hi, Jerron. Hey, what's up? From Georgia. From Georgia.

Great idea. There we go. I miss the racism out in Georgia, you know? Out here, it's too subtle. Like, every time a white man says, thanks, brother, like, I assume he means, hey, you're black, but I'm okay with it. You know? I come from a long line of racists. My grandma, she's German, you know, immigrated here from Germany and everything.

She's racist, but she's supportive, you know. Black people, everyone, ah, shit, how does it go? Sorry, it's no. She's racist, but she's supportive. Maybe if black people... Don't meow me, please. Maybe if black people pull their pants up, everyone would always think

they were stealing. And maybe if Mexicans just learn how to pronounce the letter J, maybe they can get a real job. And you know, Jews can be more trustworthy if they just... Never mind. Yeah, that's it. I'm sorry. I fucked that up.

When you said never mind, is that part of the joke? That was the joke, yeah. Because you don't want to say anything bad about Jews. No, the main punchline of it... She's German. Oh, that's right. I forgot about it. Yeah, she's German. It didn't flow because I fucked the joke up.

Fuck yeah. But. I mean, it feels like if she's going to say, if like, if she is going to say, am I supposed to be giving like. Yeah. Oh yeah. If she's going to say Mexicans can pronounce the word to me, I think that Germans can't pronounce things.

So if she's saying all of this with an accent yeah you know what i mean and then the last thing she says is like maybe if mex if well see with that joke like like when i've tried it like i even though i've been around my grandma for my whole life i can't do a german accent okay this is good can you try her for a second try one uh a second say that again well you gotta say something else Mexicans pronounce the letter J

is that right that was your regular voice here's my German Mexicans approach to accents just louder I can't do accents kick ass accents unfortunately Here's my German-Mexican. The Sam Tripoli approach to accents. Just louder. Yeah, I can't do accents. Kick-ass accents there.

Unfortunately. Let's say you're a white guy, because the black guys always have the white guy. I mean, I can't really do it, because I'm so light-skinned, it doesn't really work for me. But, like, yeah. What do you mean you can't do it,

because you're light-skinned? What does that mean? I can't do it because you're light skinned what does that mean I can't sell it I think he already sounds when I do it that's what he's saying I'm not saying that you you sound like you you don't sound like a white person or a black person

that's sort of a funny joke I even sound light skinned yeah that is good I sound funny joke like I even sound light skinned I sound lighter than black I sound lighter than black maybe I don't sound white but I definitely sound light skinned you want to be gangster you're like hey man

I'm coming by instead of like yo motherfucker no I don't want to be gangster no gangsters get killed yeah there you go what do you want to be what do't want to be a gangster. No, gangsters get killed. Yeah, there you go. I don't want to be a gangster. What do you want to be? That's a great premise. What do I want to be?

I want to be a comedian. I want to be successful in comedy. I ain't got to be the richest, but I just want to be comfortable. Yeah. There you go. I think it's so important to talk about real things. And if that's really how your grandmother is, you have to dig deeper into that. I need to know more into that. You know?

Like, I need to know more about her. I mean, I'm sure you probably have more about her. Yes, yes, I definitely do. I definitely do have more about her. Yeah. I mean, because that's a really interesting dynamic. Like, hey. Like, if growing up with a German grandmother and she's white?

Yes. Okay. How long have you been doing comedy? I've been doing comedy i've been doing comedy for three years three years what's going to be funnier is if you just ditch the standard mexican black yeah and that's it just get rid of that and start telling us about you and your grandma whatever you know what i mean it doesn't matter about the race or anything find some funny stuff in there because you don't want to sound like the 30 dudes you're going on around

that are doing that same stuff. Well, with the way... I know because it didn't flow too well. But the way that I was kind of wanting it to go was show her... The main punchline was about Jews. She can say that

black people can be better if they do this. Mexican people can be better if they do that. But Jews can't be better. There's no black people can be better if they do this Mexican people can be better if they do that but Jews can't be better there's no way they can be better but that's just a fact we're looking for the joke work on it hopefully we'll see it

next week I do but I think if you already have stuff about your grandmother that can work and fit in there okay but it could be a this and that. Like normal grandmothers say this and my grandmother always said this. And there's definitely a joke in sounding light-skinned. Yeah.

That can be all yours. I will. Jerron Horton, everybody. Great job, Jerron. I'm a little biased towards him because he's from Georgia. He's one of my favorite people. You're so biased. I'm favorite people. You're so biased.

I'm so biased. You're more biased than W. Camille Bell. Alright, coming up next. Oh, we know this guy. He hangs out at the comedy store a lot. Put your hands together for the lucky Eric O'Ligny. Here he is, everybody.

This guy loves smoking pot behind the comedy store. So, uh, I always get in these relationships these days where people are asking for the dick pic. I try to send it. I get in the tub, and I actually, like, lay it out, and I make it look nice.

I look at the picture, though, and I realize I look like a corpse in a morgue. I then try to put it on Instagram you know I try to put it to Hefe because we all know that shit makes everything look more alive I found something out about this though on your android it'll make you feel better about yourself when you send that picture through it'll say picture too large compressing there you go good he's only gracing us with about 35 seconds. You want to do another 20 seconds? Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed, like you said,

and I get really emotional when I'm watching television now. I cried to Kitchen Nightmares the other night. But the thing is, I cried to this one commercial, the Viagra commercial, the guy's driving in the desert, and I realized, oh, my God, he has a broke-down car and a limp dick. His car breaks down in the desert, in the commercial. That's pretty funny.

I like that. I really like that. Maybe on the Instagram joke, say that whatever you said, the high eight, or whatever it's called. Cafe. Maybe say half eight filter. What are you talking about? Instagram joke say that whatever you said the high eight or whatever it's called. Cafe. Cafe. Maybe say half eight filter. Filter. What are you talking about?

Because I don't even know and I use Instagram like so many times. I just go. I also don't believe that women request dick pics from you. Definitely. I think that's kind of like where the start. You gotta say your friend. Exactly where I was about to go. You gotta say your friend. Change it to my friend. Right. Yeah. You have to make it one specific thing got to say your friend. Exactly where I was about to go. You got to say your friend. Change it to my friend. Right, yeah.

You have to make it one specific thing. Like, I've been in these relationships these days, and all these girls are asking me for dick pics. It just seems a little bit over the top. Is this the truth about the joke? I mean, we're all seeing what you look like right now. I don't know if you think it's an audio-only live show. That's been my biggest problem with that joke,

is finding how to introduce it. Well, you go definitely not like that i love dean's note on that but do you take dick one instance uh no i actually i did that's how i came up with the joke some girl did ask me for it okay because what also makes it crazy is you say and all they want are all these dick pics and i do the right thing i lay lay in a bathtub and I'm like, that's a punchline. That's not a setup. I think the joke is like, I met a girl recently and she asked me for a dick pick and it's the first time that's ever happened

to me. So I didn't know what to do. So I tried all these different scenarios out. I drew one. And then I just took a picture of my friend Tony's dick and sent it to him. Yeah, you were out borrowing dicks.

Borrowing dicks. You better listen to this podcast and take all these notes. He listens. He's here. This is a major taggitism going on right now. That's good right there. I have two fake dick pics on my phone that I send out randomly to my friends. Are they both black? No, no right there. I have two fake dick pics on my phone that I send out randomly to my friends. Are they both black?

No, no, no. I tried to find one that looks very, almost 100% accurate. I even have one that looks like the same curtains that I have in my back.

Yeah. You can also just say I took a picture of my friend's dick and she was like, wow, you're really tan. Or something, you know,

like something. Yeah, right. I just worry, though, if I die and somebody finds my phone they're gonna think like whoa Brian likes it has like sticks I sell I sell stuff on Craigslist and I get like asshole scammers all the time and I found the ugliest like man in like a riverbed naked from the 70s I just

googled dick pic and this one came up. So whenever they send me spam, I send it back like, how about this? And it always ends the spam right away. But recently a guy was like, it's on. And this guy's dick is bad.

It's all furry. It looks like a thumb. That's great. Are you sure this didn't happen in the chat room you were in? No, this is Craigslist, which is like a chat room. Did you ever actually send a dick pic? Did you actually lay in a bathtub with your penis?

Was there water in it? It's the best lighting. So there's water in the bathtub. Yeah, I got to keep it clean, bro. And you're in the bathtub, and you're holding the phone oh you get your face in it too like that is that what you just did never put your face in there dude

by the way can you send us this picture right now let's review that set let me explain why you never do that man because as an example when I'm looking at backpages.com for escorts, they always have

all their faces blurred out or they're cut out. All you do is you take that picture and put it in a Google image search and then you can find out what their Facebook page is and their real name.

Really? Yeah. There's a tip for you guys. So in the future, somebody's going to be able to just take your dick pic and be able to Google image search it and find out exactly who you are.

Yeah. Like your mom. It's true. Do you not have a shower? Do you take baths a lot? Is that a thing that you do? I actually lay down in the shower, yeah. You lay down in the shower? That's a vagina pic.

Oh, my God. With the blood going into the stream. No, it relaxes me. I did it when I was in the army and that's why I kept it going. Baths in the army? Yeah. No, I didn't do baths.

I had the shower hitting me. Oh, I got it. And it just relaxes me. Damn, you must have a nice shower. I mean, I only hear about that like in the Sandusky files, crying in the bottom of the shower. Those people aren't laying on their backs.

So did you send the pic? Aww. And what did she say? Like, sweet dick or what happened? But also, like, when you put your face in it, it's like it changes. It shows how big your head is compared to how big your other head is.

Oh, so you're saying it's more adequate. Did you take it from, like, the cock and, like, there's this giant cock and you're just in the background? It's like you're saying it's a more adequate did you take it from like the cock and like there's this giant cock and you're just in the background you're peeking you're spying on a cock just looking at it like oh how far can I get this

that's crazy do you have the picture no not anymore I got rid of all that yeah I would do that I would take all that front end stuff that we did make it a one case scenario and uh use that compression thing I guess guess, at the end, too. And there you go. There he goes. Great job, Aaron.

There he goes. How that guy does not get a role as an extra in Breaking Bad, I have no idea. I mean, my God. I've never seen anybody that looks like they do meth more than him. Okay. Let's keep it flying, shall we? Here we go. It's the one and only

Jonathan Turnblood. Oh, shit. Oh, snap. It's Tumblin'. Tumblin'. Tumblin'. Tumblin'. Oh.

All right. Last summer, I ran into a roommate crisis. I was about to get evicted, and I had to call upon a friend who is gay. And I tell my parents, I'm like, I'm thinking about moving in with Tristan, because gay people are always good at paying rent. So I assume. And he was like, I don't know if I trust that, son. And I'm like, why not, Dad?

He was like, well, what if one day you come out the shower, you're dripping with water and shit, and he just comes up and takes it, son? I'm like, dad, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be worried about me living with gay people. You should be more concerned about me living with a fucking rapist, man. And then he was like, no, son.

Southern men, like country-ass southern men always assume they know the answer to everything. And he was like, your Uncle Tony moved in with his friend, and he caught the gay son. That's how he caught it. And I'm like, your Uncle Tony moved in with his friend and he caught the gay son. That's how he caught it. And I'm like, Dad, I'm pretty sure Uncle Tony was already gay. He's been asking me to call him Tina since I was five. Fuck yeah, there he is.

Jonathan Tumblin. Fuck yeah. All the gay people in everybody's jokes are always named Tony. Anyone ever notice that? I can name five comedians that all have a gay Tony. It gets me to wonder, am I the gay Tony that they're talking about? But also, the award that gay people are trying to win is a Tony. Yeah.

That's true. Fuck yeah. Wow. They like that word. It's a smart joke. It's nice. joke. Sex. I mean, I was thinking earlier when I was sucking this guy's dick, there's no way I could be gay, but anyway.

I liked the second half. I did like the second half. The first half, it's like, you know, when you say, when you get out of the shower, he can just take it. What does your dad say? If he comes up and takes it. If he comes up and takes it. If he comes up and takes it. The first thing I thought of was your rent

and not your sexual facilities. You're like, well, if, I mean, or that could be a fun misdirect. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're saying like, if he comes up and takes it. Like you ask your dad, you mean my rent? You mean my rent?

Takes your time. Or there's something like that to where that it's like just some sort of misdirect so that it's not. And when you get to the rapist part, have more of a pause and really focus on that joke. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there like a more specific term for rapist? You know, like an example? Did you really have a gay roommate? Yes. Would you notice anything different with having a gay roommate than with having a straight roommate like in the past? Did he taste different?

Jesus. No, nothing extreme. Like the house is more clean. The house is clean. Also, Tina and Tony, that seems weird to me. It seems like it should be Tanya. Sounds like a murder mystery restaurant. Tony and Tina. Tony, he's Tina.

He's Tina? That's his name? Oh, because it's like a Tina Turner thing. Well, Tony and Tina's wedding is a big thing, too. That's like a famous something. But I think it's got probably more to do with Tina Turner, right? Yeah, Tony and Tina's wedding is like a huge, I think, Broadway thing.

He does drag queen Tina Turner stuff. Yeah. But that's also the thing. If you're going to say he's been asking you to call him Tina since he was a kid, you know, then you need to paint that picture of Tina Turner so that we can even get a bigger picture.

He used to call me Ike. I called him Tina. Yeah, totally. So that we know what Tina you're talking about. I'm always telling people, if you can paint a picture, the audience will go with you. And they're with you no matter what.

And so the more specific you are, you never want to say car. You want to say Oldsmobile. You never want to say tree. You want to say oak. You want to tell us the color of the car. And then it also makes an audience feel smart, too. They're imagining it. And then they go on that tour with you.

And then all of a sudden, they're a step ahead of you. But they're still going to laugh because they feel smart for knowing it. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. Boom. You just got tagged it. That's Jerron Horton. Boom. Wait, no, not Jerron Horton. I'm sorry.

Racist. Oh, come on. That's not even racist. Jerron Horton is so much whiter than him. It's a whole different race. Yeah. You know what? We haven't been talking to Iron Patriot. The Iron Patriot.

Tom Bloom? Tom Bloom. I think it takes a lot of courage to get up on stage like this, and I'm proud of everybody tonight so far. Yeah. We got all of our head of security. This seems like a more professional one episode. Like, we really seem to be helping people out

instead of tearing them apart. Yeah, we're pretty dialed in. They've all flirted with the sun. They think this guy will go a little farther and they'll be there. All the talk about the Tony and the gay and the Jonathan reminds me of this past weekend. I was down at the La Jolla Comedy Store with Jeff Ross.

We had a lot of fun. Jeff Ross from The Burn? Yes. Oh, okay. Is there another one? The Roastmaster General is the other one. Oh, I see. Okay.

Biggest dick in the industry, I heard. What's that? He has the biggest dick in the industry, I heard. I was just trying to add a compliment. But I was talking to the house piano player at the La Jolla Comedy Store who's been there for like 20 years. His name is Lou. He's like a real Scooby-Doo, Boo-Boo, Doobity.

Fucking up the oldies. And he told me a street joke that I love so much that I want to share it with you guys. I just heard this for the first time on Saturday. He's like, he's like really like hibbity-hoppity. What's up, man? Good to see you. Welcome back. Good to have you. So like he goes, uh, all right. So this guy dies and goes to hell and the devil's like, Hey, why do you look so sad, man? It's going to be

great here. You're going to have so much fun. It's like, what are you talking about? And he's like, yeah, on Mondays it's all you can eat anything you want, everything you can eat. You're going to be fine. You're not going to gain a pound. You wake up the next day, you're fine. Tuesday, it's all you can drink. Drink all you want. You're going to get drunk. You're going to have so much fun with no negative consequences. Wednesday, it's all you can gamble. You can gamble all your money away. You're going to wake up the next day with all your money back. Thursday, all you can do drugs. Man, you could shoot heroin. You could smoke pot. You won't overdose.

Everything's going to be fine. Friday, are you gay? And the guy's like, no. He goes, oh, you're going to hate Friday. I thought it was so funny. It was just me and him on a sidewalk. He tells me that joke. I ran down the block. I mean it was just me and him on a sidewalk he tells me that joke I ran down the block

it was I love it anyway if you have an experience making Tony laugh it's the most fun thing in the world oh yeah I really get into it he really celebrates the laugh I was talking about my mom I was talking with my mom earlier about it actually she saw a video that I posted on YouTube or whatever and she goes

there's this one part that killed me you know because it was just like me where you look at the camera you laugh and you slap your knee and it's like yeah it really I realized that I really got that from her she's a really crazy hard laugher I mean she just cackles she was at our death squad shows and I mean in a room

of 500 people you can hear her just dying I mean everybody and everything she just loves comedy she clucks like a chicken. There's nothing better than a good laugh, right? Oh no, I love laughs. Like when Bill Burr comes in and you just fucking die. Right? You just like, wow.

You mean when you follow him? No, no, I'm saying you laugh so fucking hard, you know what I mean? It really is. He's a freak. Watching Bill Burr just makes me sort of think like, oh my god what am i trying to do yeah there's like very few comedians in which they're so good it actually sort of like reverse inspires me i'm like oh i have 20 years of every thought being comedy before

i can sometimes he just makes it look so easy i once told him that i go man you make it look like it's so easy and he goes there's nothing easy about it. I work extremely hard all the time. It's nothing natural. He just thinks about it. He wants to be the best. That's amazing. Alright, here's another comedian for you, Matt Spinelli. Holy shit, that's an Italian

last name. Matt Spinelli? You motherfuckers. Sons of bitches. How dare you. How dare you. How dare you. We should put those in a ban list. Where they can't go.

You know what I mean? If you go last week, you probably can't go three weeks in a row. Right. It's true. We need to get some organization. Josh, are you listening to that? Different notes every time, right?

It's different people giving different notes. Put your hands together for Andrew Evans, everybody. You son of a bitch. We can't even fucking. You got to be fucking kidding me. Some real piece of shit. Is this Andrew? Are you Andrew?

No, that's the cook. Oh. That's the cook. I can't see. It's dark No, that's the cook. Oh. That's the cook. I can't see. It's dark back there. Here we go. Talking about Eskimo pussy. It's Anthony Bublet. Yeah! Uh-oh. You're in a bomb. Oh my

God. I was walking down the street and I live in East Hollywood and I walked up on this Mexican dude and he was selling fucking ice cream and I was like, hey man, give me some ice cream. I was like, I'm gonna give you some ice cream. I'm gonna give you some ice cream. He was like, give me some shit and I fucking smashed it all over my face.

This is so good. This is so fucking good. All I want to do is fucking make this shit and make a fucking lifestyle suck. Fuck dude. Give me some ice cream. Put it on ice cream. That's ice cream. I'm you Give me some ice cream Put it on ice cream That's ice cream or pussy That's the new

That joke has a title I don't know if that joke Has a punchline It's lost in the ice cream Tony Right It's the new GT It gets lost in the ice cream White GT

White GT It's a childhood favorite Thing of mine To uh To equate pussy with ice cream. You and LL Cool J have something in common. I can honestly say that's the worst joke I've heard on that. To go with the outfit. I actually like the outfit better than the joke.

No. Right? Because the outfit can be used in another way. Anthony, it's not great when all the guests are arguing over what's worse, your joke or your clothes. I agree with the clothes, too, because I wore them two days in a row. No. What? Two days in a row.

No. Tony. You went up two days in a row. Oh, you're wearing it two days in a row? Yeah, basically. What do you mean, basically? I'm not taking a shower until Friday. Ew! Are you really a comedian, or are you just fucking around?

Um... Yeah, you're fucking around. I don't think I was much... That's a little disrespectful to people who actually... Wait, wait a second. I want to hear what the Iron Patriot has to say. There wasn't any preparation with this act. Thank you, Mr. Patriot.

Thank you, Mr. Patriot. Thanks for stopping by. There he goes. Perhaps the worst of all time. That's number one. The highest, what is it, bucket? Bagget? Oh yeah, that's a...

There's no pH in that one. Why couldn't that guy not have shown up when his name was called? Yeah, exactly. At least he was here, I guess. Thank you for being here. Take a shower. Yeah, seriously.

What's the point? Go to Popeye's Chicken and get those little handy wipes. Get 20 of them. Why wasn't he doing it? Is that the number that works? I don't know. I don't know. Normally we would have asked why he's not taking a shower until Friday,

but we had to get him out of here. When the Iron Patriot's roasting you, that means it's done. The Iron Patriot felt that he had disrespected the stage hard. Right, it's true. I feel like I respect because you guys are giving a good criticism from professional comedians and he comes up there with no preparation. Well, I did call him a pussy outside

for not signing up, so I guess I take some credit. I signed up after I called him a pussy for not signing up. I will admit that. But you're not in the band pile. You're with the possible returning guests. Hopefully maybe some better preparation

like the Iron Patriot said and we'll get you back up here. Take a fucking shower. Yeah, definitely that. Because your jokes already stink. Take a shower. Put your hands together for Timmy Day everybody. There he is. Oh yeah.

What's going on guys? Thanks for having me. Alright. Anybody got a favorite Disney character? Just one? No? Anybody? The guy from Tron? Awesome. Mine's the father dog from 101 Dalmatians.

I feel like you have to be able to release a lot of jits in order to have 101 babies come out of your girlfriend at one time. I also, this is where I like to call bullshit on this film because I don't

think that that could ever happen. I think that half of those babies probably would have been stillborn. They probably would have just thrown them in the garbage and when Cruella De Vil showed up and was like, I want to take all these puppies, they'd have been like, sure, fucking take this bag full of dead puppies that we have. Everyone would have been sad.

I don't think the mom dog would have wanted to keep them. I think she would have been like, I don't want 101 people sucking on my titties for the next couple months. Like, that's going to hurt really bad. What else? That's about it. A lot of people would say that 101 Dalmatians jokes, some people would say too soon.

I watched it with my big head niece like a month ago. She made me watch it. Well, I think that that's the funnier part. Because I feel like the obvious joke is saying that who would want 101?

But if you take it the other way, like my niece made me watch this movie and I realized what a miracle it was. And then you're saying it with this sarcastic undertone. You know what I mean? So that it's not so graphic and dark. If you take it the other way, then that's a harder joke to write. Right now it seems too easy.

It's, you know. And I would open it by owning the topic, not saying, does anybody out there have a favorite Disney character? Then what? Best case scenario,? My new step. I don't know if you guys have a favorite Disney character. My new favorite Disney character is the dad dog. You know and then it's also like maybe you can get into stuff about like adoption and like how like there's so like there's so much there's such a huge

problem with getting pets made or neutered. You know what I mean? But like there's such a huge problem with getting pets made or neutered. You know what I mean? There's a big problem. Everybody wants to adopt a dog or rescue one, but nobody wants to rescue a hundred and one. Yeah, there's definitely got to be something about Bob Barker in there. Bob Barker didn't have a gray hair on his head

until he saw 101 Dalmatians. He's the neuter guy, everybody. Yeah. Sons of bitches. The sarcastic part can be about how what a miracle it is. And then describing

how a dog having 101 puppies is ridiculous. But also the disastrous part is like how are we gonna like if you think about this realistically like disney sitting i think it should be more about disney setting us up for ignorant expectations i think more people will be on your side if it's anti-disney as opposed to just about like some disgusting dog that had a hundred puppies. I was really just going for like wow that must have been like a lot of

jizz. Yeah I see I would focus more on that. I would focus more on that and still more on death. No. I think that's the odds I think if you look it up it's like two out of every six puppies. Right yeah. That's like 400 Dalmat every six puppies, right? Yeah, that's like 400 Dalmatians that are probably dead. Yeah It's not a lot of juice because all we hear about is how there's like a million sperm in one little thing So now you're going and you're saying that like so really it's like her eggs, it's really the woman that's the miracle. I'm just saying like you're saying. I'm just saying that thing.

I'm just saying that thing. Whenever you, whenever, every guy has a joke about killing a million babies when I swallow or whatever. And girls have that joke too. So I'm just saying if you're going to go the other way with it and say that that's a lot of jizz. Yeah, you're saying like Octobom could have just been a normal sperm yeah I love it I love it with the patriots well the octomom is a normal sperm but she she she that she had you know she had I think if you're doing 101 Dalmatians jokes

I think it's important to make sure that it's a big long bit if you're going to commit to it so I'd say stretch it out on all fronts the amount of sperm, all that stuff all those references yeah, because that's not like a one-liner I think it's smart, I think it's interesting there might be something in the

I don't think you should scrap it at all I think you should embrace it because I don't think you should scrap it at all. I think you should embrace it. Because I don't know any jokes about 101 Dalmatians. And I think Disney movies are a terrible expectation. They're also the reason... Everybody knows the only type of animal that can have 101 babies is a Mexican woman. There we go. There's a great... What was your name again? Timmy Day, everybody. one babies is a Mexican Oh wow, he's right there. Excuse me, Patrick. How you guys doing?

Recently moved out here, guys. I'm single. I've had some weird things happen lately. Recently I've been getting turned down more than I introduced myself. It's kinda weird. I was playing basketball with my roommate the other day and he was like, yo man, I met you with my friend Meg. I'm like, oh who's Meg?

He goes, doesn't matter, she said no. my friend Meg. I'm like, oh, who's Meg? He goes, what's the matter? She said no. Like, what bugs me out is like, he must have showed her my Facebook profile picture, which is my headshot. So she said like, no to me, best case scenario. Which kind of like, bugs me out.

He's like, don't worry dude, stay confident. I'm like, stay confident? She just turned out a photo of me that's digitally altered to make me look as best as I can. My fucking next headshot's gonna be one from my own gun. Like, I don't look better anymore. This one's an O. That's true, though. It's fine. Uh, fuck. That's about it.

I don't want to... Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Uh, fuck. That's about it. I don't want to... Yeah, there you go. Maddie, you have great confidence in employees on stage. Thank you very much. How long have you been doing it? Like two and a half years.

What do you think of the Iron Patriot? Great guy right here. Yeah. Where did you move from? Connecticut. Did you do stand-up there? No, I just started out here. Okay. It seems like you've been doing it for...

How long again? Two and a half years. Oh. Yeah. It's clear you've been doing it for... How long ago? Two and a half years. Oh. Yeah. It's clear that you have some experience with it, but I think that... Go ahead. Were you going to say something?

The only part I lose is the headshot, headshot thing at the end. I think the rest is actually a pretty smart premise that I don't think I've really heard of before. But I don't think that you should even bring up headshot because immediately if people aren't from LA... I realize. It's very industry yeah and i don't think you need it because i think whenever people take a facebook photo it's always best case scenario no matter what okay cool you know and like so you can make it about a a picture

that you took of yourself you know maybe in the bathtub with your penis in the background with my or it's like a glamour shot. Or it's something that someone took of you. It can be any other scenario that everybody in the flyover states would understand too. Okay, yeah. I was thinking not everybody understands. I told my mom what a headshot is. She's like, headshot?

But I also think you have to just get to it faster. Because you talk about how you're getting... That first line that you say where you're getting turned down more than you're, what is it saying? More than I introduced myself. Yeah.

So get right into that example. Like the other day. Okay. Here's an example. Okay. You like rock and roll? And you can also, I'm sorry. No, more of like a rap kind of.

Bummer. Yeah. I do listen to rock. I don't hate, but if I'm listening to music I'm usually it's more of a rap inspired type thing not to offend you what do you think about Kanye's new album I listened to the one that he did on SNL and actually I thought that was pretty badass but I I heard a few like the first track on some it got ripped and I didn't I wasn't too proud of it.

There's a point in one of his songs where he's like, bitch, where's my croissant? Give me my croissant. Yeah, I feel like he's running out of shit to say. Yeah, he's talking about croissants. He's never had anything to say. Why does anybody think he's running out? He went to Paris to write it, so I guess he was inspired by the croissant.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, art. Oh, well, look at that. So he is taking his surroundings into play. Step up from bald porno star stripper girl. Paris. I wish you would have stayed there. Do you wear that vest a lot?

Not a lot. I don't want to overdo it. I'm a big vest fan. I like that. You don't like it? I'm a big believer that you save the vest for last. Only when necessary do you really. See, your jokes were better than that.

Oh, settle down. You settle down. I'm going to kick you off this podcast. I do appreciate you guys saying the kind of things. It's funny, like an hour before this as I was running in and out, I got fired over the phone. So you guys making my night, appreciate all that. Wow.

Where'd you get fired from? I was an architect. I was about to say, sex for an operator? Well, appreciate all that. Wow. Where'd you get fired from? I was an architect. I was about to say. Sex for an operator? Fuck that. Well, you're still an architect. You just don't work for a sex operator. I'm just on vacation for like a few.

Was it a big architect? That could be a godsend, actually. Maybe you just start hitting comedy hard. It's true. Because look what you get now. Unemployment. And you can do jokes every fucking day. That's true.

At least to write a lot of. You can go from building houses to being homeless. Look what you get now. Unemployment. And you can do jokes every fucking day. That's true. Heck yeah. You can go from building houses to being homeless. Yeah, yeah. Snap like that. Yeah, there's got to be a bunch of jokes about getting fired from being an architect. I didn't even know you could get fired from being an architect. Yeah, well, I managed it. What'd they do?

Just call you and tell you that you're an architect? It was the boss's wife, and she's like um we're just getting rid of the junior positions and then she's like but we're gonna send you email so you can still come to the the functions at the office i go yeah that'll be fucking great like hey guys remember me i'm the kid that cleaned shit and then you guys got fired so oh my god but you can still come to susan's birthday party who the fuck says that like hey you fired, but you can still come to the Christmas party. Or just like any function they have. We're not going to have a present for you at the Christmas party. That's like a chick saying, I dumped you,

but you can watch me fuck other dudes. You do go, but you come dressed as a homeless person. You go to the Christmas party, like fucking just like dirt all over your face, pee, pee stain, and you bring, you rent a child from somebody, you know, like fucking just like dirt all over your face, pee, pee stain. And you rent a child from somebody.

You did this to me. Yeah, a child all over. Just have a syringe hanging from your arm. Or you go the opposite way and you come dressed in a tux and a limo with some sort of hot chick on your hand. We don't have time to stay. We have to go to a premiere. That's funny. I was able to fit in time to make it to this party that you invited me to if I have nothing else

going on. But now I have to go because I'm busy. Oh my god, look at the time. You know what I would do is just constantly tweet her number. Because that is the rudest thing you could say. You're

fired, but you can still party with us. With what money? Keep tweeting her phone number until you have no followers left. Yeah, right. There he goes. Matty Chumbore, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah.

It's all happening, people. Oh, wow. What a special treat. Gabe Killian, everybody. Here he is, the great Gabe Killian. Wow. Holy moly. I knew a girl who died.

And every once in a while, I remember having sex with her. And I get a little creeped out. But I guess it's okay, though. I mean, she was only dead a couple hours at the time. I used to be a racist. Now I'm just a guy black people used to beat up. Went down on a Japanese chick. Got mercury poisoning.

I caught one of my best buddies fucking a guy. I couldn't believe it. Shit, I almost fell off the ladder jacking off. Just got back from a short film festival. I was disappointed to find out that short film is not the politically correct term for midget porn.

I'm pretty good at I snatched an old lady's purse. She only had $12 in it, but the spinning backfist I knocked her out with, totally fucking worth it. I'm pretty good at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu unless the guy I'm fighting knows

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Fuck yeah, Gabe Kelly. Wow. He brought fire. He's a one-liner surgeon over here. Yeah, he brought fire. That's amazing. I think you gotta work on your volume, though, a little bit.

Definitely. You know? I had you almost turned up all the way to the max. I mean, your jokes are good, so don't be nervous. I mean, of course, it's fucking weird,

but you get up there and if you hit those with mad confidence and volume, it's gonna go off really good. Yeah. Yeah, because right now

it sounds like you're doing dark poetry in a bookshop. But it's also like Steve, like, what's his name? Stephen Wright. But that's different, though. You know what I mean? It's like you don't ever want to do that because that's immediately what people are going to say. Right.

If you do want... What was the guy that did that kind of stuff? Yeah, that's what we're talking about. Stephen Wright. No, no, no, no. I also thought, yeah, Mitch Kuyper. Yeah. Brenton Bittlecomb. Yeah. Gabe Kell no. I also thought, yeah, Brenton Biddlecomb. Yeah. Gabe Kellyan. How many, quick question for you.

You're a one-liner comic. How long did it take you to write those? What were those, like six there? Six jokes? How long did each of them take? Yeah, I'm just trying to think because to get a half hour together is a long time, yeah i don't spend much time on well well some of them it takes months of them just uh a few seconds yeah right

what was the one about the purse uh that's i snatched an old lady's purse wait how did that go i snatched an old lady's purse she only had 12 in. But the spinning back fist I knocked her out with, that was totally worth it. But the spinning back fist? It's a move? Back fist. I thought you said spinning back fish. So I was imagining you hitting her with a fish.

You know what would be good is if you have a lot of these things to actually put them all together and make them all bits. You know what I mean? If you have seven of these, these can be seven tags if you can find a way to put those seven things together. But I also don't think that you should do... Well, yeah, that's fair. But I think that that joke is flawed

in that you're hitting an old lady. You already took her purse. So the joke should be whatever you find in there was totally worth it. You know, like something that you... I got off on hitting her, not the money. Yeah, he got to do a spinning... I get it. I got off on hitting her, not the money. Yeah. He got to do a spinning... I get it.

It's pretty sweet to do a spinning back. Yeah. And you know what? With that said, I think I would tag it with those exact words. Basically saying... Because spinning back fists are awesome. Yeah.

And then maybe even go into it more. I've been practicing for years. That really paints the picture of what you're spelling out, which is that you always wanted to land a spinning back fist on somebody, and an elderly old lady is the only person you could land it on. Yeah, so I think that that's the joke, though.

To start with the old lady is to say, like, I finally nailed a spinning back fist. It's a move I've been perfecting for years. Finally. I totally knocked the old lady out, but the $12 in her purse was worth it or whatever. Yeah. What do you think, Iron Patriot?

Iron Patriot is not into beating old ladies. We're learning a valuable lesson tonight that comedy is very difficult. Professionals make it look easy, but it's not easy. It's a really good point, Patriot. That's right. I think you're learning that tonight, by the way. Proof by the Patriot right now. Have you ever had any STDs, Iron Patriot?

Not any I can name right now. It'd be too embarrassing. Well, I think... Crats? Crats? Crrab? Stone crab. Either he had crabs or he thinks that you can order crabs here at the comedy.

Hard shell crabs. We don't have seafood. How long have you been doing comedy? Two years. I've been writing for over a decade. I just didn't have the balls to go on stage until a couple years ago. And do you go on every night? No man, I just do open mics

Mostly shitty ones in front of two comics Pretty much been it for the past few months But I mean you can get on every night Because that's going to improve your confidence on stage Right? I try, I can't find that many good mics though Right Well your jokes are good man

There's some good stuff in there Yeah I think you just have to learn, like, misdirect a little bit more. But that's good. I like misdirect. I mean, that's just kind of what I like. But yeah. There he goes, Gabe. What I'm saying is your jokes are smart.

Don't undersell yourself. Yeah, he's really good. It's really hard to have one-liners that are somewhat original. But those are good for late night, even if you can't do a half hour. Doing late night, they want to joke every 15 to 30 seconds when you do late night. So those are perfect for that kind of stuff. So get your best 47 jokes together and you'll be able to do the Tonight Show.

I saw you try to do math really quick in your head. It was glorious. Kyle Henson. Yeah. There he is. Hi, guys. Thank you. I want to find out how Mitt Romney found out that he lost the election.

Someone had to have told him. Wouldn't it be awesome if Maury told him? I come back from commercial break. Maury pulls out the manila folder, looks over at Mitt. In the case of the 2012 election. Mr. Romney, you are not the president. Mitt freaks out, runs behind stage. He's like, ah!

Maury's got the camera crew. He's like, come on, come on, come on. Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Maury's trying the camera crew He's like come on come on Don't touch me Maury's trying to hold back Brock Brock's like this ain't your presidency What you know about me cuz Say something this ain't your presidency Back up

Oh pardon me pardon me Oh that's right you can't pardon me Because you ain't president Allow me to reintroduce myself My name is Brock O to the Obama You elected me because I killed Osama. Thank you, Yasmin Collins.

Ah, boy. I'm going to have to say no to that. Yeah, that's a bag for sure. Really? It's too old. Well, obviously. As soon as he says, I thought Maury was going to, I immediately started thinking, all thinking alright you are not the president

I mean and this is still 20 seconds away I don't think it has to be as specific as it is I like the joke actually I think it's clever and that but I think it needs to be set up differently as in like I you know I don't like politics

it's really boring I would prefer to watch it if like Maury told us who was president instead of Wolf Blitzer. And then like in the case of Mitt Romney is like, you know, you are not the president

but you are the father to 18 kids. Right. That would be good. If you have a spinoff, yeah. But you do have herpes. Mitt Romney's like, fuck. And maybe it's not Maury.

Maybe it's whoever is like it's somebody else but the problem is the election is well over you might as well be writing 101 Dalmatians but I think it can be for the next election I understand

it's like I got a Christmas joke I do it two weeks before I think it's a good one it a Christmas joke. I do it two weeks before. I think it's a good one. It can sound more topical than it is around election time. And I think it can be used then, but I don't think it's a complete bagger. Because I think you're acting it out is really funny. And Barack's dance made me laugh out loud.

And rhyming Obama and Osama, you don't want to do that because Pauly Shore already did that. He has a rap song out called Obama Killed Osama. And he kind of owns this place. He owns this place and he definitely owns that song. But you don't even need that. I don't think you need it.

I think it's an interesting perspective because I think it's a shared perspective in that politics does get really boring. Well, you can use it on all kinds of elections, like the mayor election that just happened. That's even better because no one even fucking knew that was happening. And so you didn't know until you tuned into more,

and you're like, oh, this is sweet election. They actually fucking tell you who wins on this, which made the mayor election. You wanted to watch it next year. Right. Yeah. Obama wants change. Brother already asking for money.

What's that from? That's one of the jokes I did like three, four years ago. Five years ago. Oh. I was going to say you and a bunch of people. Heck yeah. It wasn't brother either. Oh.

Yeah, talking about Maury in the elections, it's like it just seems too late to be trying to make jokes like that too much better. I'd look ahead to the future, maybe have more something. I'd iron it out, you know what I mean? I think it's a back pocket joke. I'm just talking about your shirt.

I think it's a great back pocket joke. To get ironed out of your shirt if you're running out, take a small towel, make it really wet, and just wipe your body straight with it until your whole shirt's wet. Then when you get out of your car, wherever you're driving, it'll be ironed. Is that right?

Anything is better than that. That's good. Well, thank you. I also think that this is a good lesson in that like not every joke you have to throw away. Like some jokes you don't use all the time, but then like somebody in the audience might say something

and you want to have a lot of back pocket trigger jokes that just come out whenever somebody brings them up. So that's one of those, I think. That's right. Like my Christmas joke, if there's a guy that looks like Santa in the crowd, I'll whip it out. Or if something happens.

Wait, a joke out? Yeah, not the fucking dig out to Santa like hey Santa. Hey, I don't know. Maybe you're taking pictures. There he goes, Kyle Henson. Good job, Kyle. We're just flying through them tonight. Yeah, it's good.

Zach James is next. You guys are assholes. Out. You've got to be kidding me. Can you believe the disrespect, Iron Patriot? No. All right. Let's back this up before we go any further.

The guy that did pretty well Is texting during the show There you go he saved it Alright just checking We don't want to clown the other guys Right Heck yeah That was a guitar riff for you Ladies and gentlemen

Put your hands together for Damien Spencer. This is crazy because we've been too nice on this one. And this is the first time ever where people aren't showing up. We're just writing great shit up here, assholes. Let's bring up Amy. If somebody doesn't mind, the one, we'll bring up. Definitely. Definitely.

Put your hands together for. Actually, let's just bring up Amy now. I'll put this back in. No point going back. We can't go backwards again. We're going forward. Amy Hawthorne. Big time friend of the comedy.

Yep. Hey, guys. So I just turned 34. Thank you. Which you could probably tell from this outfit I purchased at Kohl's. The store for your mom and your high school English teacher. I figured out I was 34 the other day because I woke up and my legs were sore from sleeping. I had done nothing besides that the day before. Also, my brain is changing. And they don't warn you about this. They say, you know, women reach their sexual peak at 35 and guys at 18. But they neglect to tell you that through your 30s, your brain just

becomes a teenage boy's. Like in the 30 seconds I've been up here, I've had at least three thoughts about sex. I'm a professional. Didn't share them with you guys yet. But I just think, thank God women don't get visible erections. Because if they did, people would definitely know I was not paying attention in the sales meeting. Or else they'd think I had some kind of a weird fetish for Excel spreadsheets, and that's also

not good. But if they did, there would have been lady boner corsets. And those would have been terrible. But what would be worse is now, because we have cleavage, we've got to show your thong, you've got side boob. If we got visible erections, that whole Britney Spears thing would have been high fashion.

And we'd all be expecting, oh, that's too old, isn't it? Nobody's showing their pussy anymore out of the limos. Anyway, lady boner corsets guys there you go it's a great premise absolutely you know the boobs

I'd lose the boobs I'd immediately lose the uh the waking up with your legs being sore because you're getting older you know what I mean like I've I've it's always makes me laugh, but I've heard a couple different versions from other comedians that are longer and they drew them

out their full five-minute bits about how their neck hurt from doing nothing. You know what I mean? I think it just needs to be more specific. My instant thing was instead of sleeping, it needs to be something specific that's kind of loser-ish. Maybe you're dreaming about going to Kohl's and you've been walking around looking for a sale.

My legs are sore from searching for a parking space at Kohl's or whatever. Or maybe your legs are sore because you played a softball game and you know you're getting old because you didn't even get in the game. You were on the bench. My legs were sore. I did it. What about my legs were sore from kicking the recliner thingy?

It's funny. That's one of those exercises. That's really funny. If I do three of those a week, man, I might be up to jazzercise level. I don't know. I think it's great. Self deprecating is like so important and

also I was going to say like when you say I'm glad that women are like we reach our sexual peak I've thought about sex three times since I've been up here and that's mostly just because of this guy or like you can point you can involve the audience right yeah the iron patriot you could have just looked at him and said he reminded you of a sweet dildo heck yeah

or you can say like if you don't want to make it about someone in the audience you mean like that's just because i have a piece of pizza waiting for me in the back yeah like whatever it is you know off stage that and the ladyer thing, I think that's a fantastic premise. And, you know, you could get into maybe how the clothes aren't designed for it. Like wearing a dress, you know, you can't really hide a boner in a dress. It would just stick out. I also think it gets a little confusing because... Oh, yeah, I guess so. I think the picture that you're painting is confusing.

Like, for me, I'm like, wait, you have a boner and you're a lady right this is confusing like I think I need to know like what like if like there if there's something if you turn like a cult a different color when you were if women were around all this color lady boners could be other things like jewelry yeah and I mean you're saying like a lady boner actually there are lady boners it's something different like a handbag that's a lady boner well I only think

of lady boners when you suck it so much it grows but that's not what shows squirting yeah but what I'm saying is maybe it pops out

like you know they break out their lady boner your rib just pops out it's like a steel cage for you to put all your jewelry in the question is what would the boner look like?

Right, that's what I'm saying. Like if she changed color. Like what, a handbag? Well, I mean, so that's kind of the idea of where I'm going. It needs to be physical. Yeah, there is nothing visible, but what if it was? Right. Maybe I'm just not getting into that.

No, but that's what I'm saying. I don't think it should be the obvious of like your nipples getting hard or like whatever. I don't think it should be the obvious of like your nipples getting hard or like whatever. No, I think it should be like something like what if a lady boner was like changing. Right. You turn your face turns purple. Obvious bummer shit. Just fucking eyeball falls out.

Just grossed up where the dude doesn't want to fuck. Yeah. And you've got an obvious lady boner with your eyeball out. It's like bummer. I want to see your boobs. I want to fuck you. Yeah. And you've got an obvious lady boner with your eyeball out. The dude's like, bummer. I want to see your boobs. Huh? I want to see your boobies.

It's probably a good joke. And like, you know, you know, the only thing when, when a woman's turned on, the only thing that gets hard is, you know, like,

it's the only thing that goes up is her blood pressure. Or the only thing that goes up, the only thing that gets hard is like blood pressure or the only thing that goes up. The only thing that gets hard is like whatever a woman thing would be. That's why I'm trying to like alley-oop it to you. I'm like, I got this set up, Sarah. Spike it. What's the woman stuff? Like I'm saying instead of it being hard, it would be like a challenge. I'm saying flip the word hard.

Right, right. So that all of a sudden – the only thing that gets hard on a woman is – Life. Math. Life. Menstrual pants. so that all of a sudden the only thing that gets hard on a woman is math just like age is the only thing that's hard on a woman the sun you know dark eyes

the only thing that gets hard on a woman anal oh yeah yeah that's good Red Van whenever a woman gets aroused, she feels like a penis is going into her butt. Oh, God. We would never have sex if that was the case.

Species would have died out. You need a cigarette. No, I don't. I need my face on those boobs. Yeah. We agree. Patriot, will you push Red Van's face into those boobs real quick? Let's do this.

Hold on. No, you're not going to let him do that. Yeah, of course. Oh, come on. Wow. Rub your boners together. Do you feel a boner on our Red Band? I can feel the aerials on each side of me.

Yeah. I love those boobs. Well, that's definitely a tagget. There you go, Amy Mothorn. Big time tagget. Everybody that was, everybody that's been on the show tonight, by the way, you should, you know, tweet positively

and hashtag, well, it's Kill Tony now, right? Kill Tony. I was going to say Hinchcliffe. That might turn into like somebody wanting, like an open mic that wants to kill you, though. I can handle it. Yeah, well, that's not just open micers. That's paid regulars, too. As long as it doesn't look like a suicide, my mom will be happy.

Put your hands together for Taylor Dean. Tim Tebow of the open mic. Hi. All right. Tim Tebow. Patriots. Patriots. He plays for the Patriots.

I am Patriot. Yeah. Yeah, he does. Tim Tebow's in the news lately He was He was He's playing for the Patriots Yeah Anywho

Sorry to cut you off I have a minute My I did My Barack Obama impression I know Last Was it

Two weeks ago Tony And you said I needed to write a joke. So I went ahead and wrote a joke. And the topic is carbon dating. And I'm not funny, but here it is. Well, Tony's kind of... Here's a joke.

You're so old that on your birthday cake they use carbon dating instead of candles right because it's it's used for fossils no josh josh doesn't like it no yeah that's that that was the audible sigh uh okay well that's that wow i've heard of a i've heard of a one-liner before but but they normally don't do just a one one-liner. One minute one-liner. Wow. Seems like you have perhaps some confidence issues, Taylor, that maybe we need to talk about. Hold on.

Do you really want to do comedy or is that you don't really want to do comedy? Well, I was trying to make the joke funny in the sense that I was trying to make the joke funny. If you know what I mean. I was trying to be ironic in that the joke was so bad it might be funny. But it just turned out really bad. Hey, you know what? These can't all be winners. No, they can't.

No, yeah, we know. So you came up with one joke. Some of them can be. But we can create winners from them. Hold on now. So you came out with one joke. Some of them can be. But we can create winners from them. Hold on now. So you came out with one joke, and you tried to stretch it out for a full minute. I noticed you did crowd work on the Iron Patriot in the beginning. I didn't know if you were talking to me or not.

Were you addressing me? Oh, he definitely was. He put the microphone in your ear. I'm sorry. Can you see in there? Yes, I can. Oh, okay. Taylor, let's keep this on you, buddy.

Yeah, I didn't know if you were addressing me. It kind of shocked me. Were you talking to me? I was. I was looking at you. Oh, okay. Taylor, let's keep this on you, buddy. Yeah, I didn't know if you were addressing me. It kind of shocked me. Were you talking to me? I was. I was looking at you. No, that's cool. That's cool if you addressed me. I wasn't sure, though.

I felt like I was talking to you. We're talking to Taylor now, though. No. Okay. I love the Iron Man-Robert De Niro combo. Him saying, you talking to me? I actually have a Robert De Niro impression. Okay.

Do it. We need that. Let's get this first, sir. You looking at me? That's what everybody does. It would be like a surfer Robert De Niro impression. Okay. Do it. We need that. Let's get this first, Sarah. You looking at me? That's what everybody does. It'd be like a surfer Robert De Niro. You see that wave? That's my wave.

It's getting worse. Nice. Oh, man. That's great. My favorite thing was Sarah straight up went to him and went, so you really don't want to do comedy, right? Yeah. That was amazing.

But I just want, like, I'm not going to give notes to somebody that's just fucking around. No, I know. I mean, one, one liner. I mean, that's, I mean, Iron Patriot, what did you think about that? He put you on the spot. What do you think? I don't know. The delivery wasn't very good.

And most of the people tonight have had good delivery. And the problem's been with the writing. But you should learn something from the delivery tonight. Because we've seen some pretty good delivery with the comedians tonight. Right, right. Would you guys talk about a little, how'd you get over that hump with the writing? Did you start writing more each day to get over that hump

or did you buy your jokes? Smoking a lot more weed and drinking more. You have to write every day. Yeah, you have to have a lot of fun with your life to be able to do it. You have to have pent-up guilt. You know what I mean? You also have to live life day. Yeah, you have to have a lot of fun with your life to be able to do it. You have to have pent-up guilt. You know what I mean? You also have to live life and just observe and listen.

Right, that's what I'm saying. Vacationing, drinking, smoking, massage parlors, everything. The mall. Riding your motorcycle fast down the highway. Fuck yeah. You know what I mean? Things that make you feel good, you need to absorb a lot of those so that you wake up guilty like, oh my God, I need to create some shit or else i'm not doing anything i feel like i am creating when i'm paying

attention so i try not to listen to music like uh if i go on an extra if i walk go on a walk or a run i just try to always be aware i always say that i'm not a comedian i'm just i just get paid to notice things that most people don't notice and And I also want to say to you that, like, if you're going to do an impression, don't ever do an impression of someone that someone else has done an impression of. Right. Because you'll always be compared to the person who did that impression better. Do you do a Christopher Walken? Yeah.

Yeah, I would be more impressed if you couldn't do Christopher Walken because everybody does. Well, she just said don't do the Christopher Walken. Red Band has a Kermit the Frog. I do. I'm Kermit the Frog. It's so beat to death. Hold on.

The ultimate set for impression would be like this is Kermit the Frog, Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, Rocky Balboa, and Barack Obama at a party. And then you do them. Yeah, I was trying to make the joke ironically funny in the sense that I was trying so hard to be funny, and it wasn't funny that it was funny. Yeah, we really know. That's Taylor Dean, everybody. There he goes.

I mean, really unbelievable. He did nothing for a minute straight and the patriot goes hey how do you write a joke he didn't even ask the patriot asked alright we have actually run out of time what we're going to do now is we're going to get a regular

segment on the show since the first one since she was the only female here put your hands together for at Sarah Dresses everybody here she is. She basically started stand-up on this stage on our very first show because we noticed

that there were no women. She was here. Ever since then, we've said, hey, whatever you write in a week, come back. We'll keep it going. So it's like

you've heard of Build-A-Bear. We're sort of like building a female comic here. And this is our third installment. Sarah, go ahead. Everything except for pronouncing my actual last name. What is it? Well, if you want to...

Okay. Mookie. Sarah Mookie. Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. So I went to E3 last week. Do you guys know what E3 is? Electronic Penis Emporium 2013. It's a lot of dudes.

It's dudes on dudes on dudes. Tons of dudes. Going to E3 as a girl is like crossing the Texas state line and being anything but a white dude. It's very difficult, and people just, I fuck what you're doing here, boy. That is your entire wandering around. There's this big thing that everyone thinks that girls that are in gaming are faking it.

Or faking it because I've always wanted to fuck a guy that smells like popcorn in my mom's basement. Fucking every day of my life. There are three different kinds of guys that go to a gaming convention, play video games in general. A vagina that's not being streamed to me over the internet is terrifying guy. They're just fucking mortified of anything with breasts. Or there's the I haven't

quite met you yet, but I'm already going in for a hug guy. Like, hi, hello, okay, that's your body on, alright, okay. And then there's like the late blooming bro, which is like, I'm assuming that in high school they were like loser fucks. But at 30 years old, God damn it.

They are so good at Madden. They're fucking FIFA all stars, you know? So yeah. Wow. That's amazing. That's a whole new minute. Oh my gosh. I liked it.

I think we're creating a fucking monster. I know. That was pretty good. I say slow down a little bit. It's totally your perspective. Absolutely. I think we're creating a fucking monster. I know. That was pretty good. I say slow down a little bit. It's totally your perspective. Absolutely. I'd say slow down. I mean, you really haven't been doing much stand-up comedy at all.

Three weeks. What's the first part when you say E3? You guys know what E3 is? It's blah-biddy-blah? It's E3. It's like the video game Penis Emporium. Okay. I was saying like Sausage Fest, but I feel like that's so played out.

I think you can say one of those E's doesn't stand for estrogen. Okay. Yeah. Right. Because there would know I was like the only female gamer there. That's fucking awesome. I don't know if you guys have heard of this. You also have to spell it out for what it is.

I went to this video game convention. You may have heard of it. It's called E3. Let me tell you what. I don't know what it stands for, but I know one of those E's doesn't stand for estrogen. Yeah. That's awesome. That's great. Then you go write down

everything. It's always important to remember how important a setup is. If people don't know what E3 is, then they're trying to catch up the whole time. She said gaming, but I don't know. I like that you were describing the kinds of guys that were there, but I think those need to be a little

bit more specific. Slow that down until she was mowing through that. Yeah. I'm a little nervous. Oh, yeah, yeah. I literally have been doing this like I did the same thing when I first did it. But also, you're going to want to expect some laughs

and take a second. Right. You know what I mean? Like, da-da-da-da. Right. But also, when you said popcorn in my mom's basement, I mean, I feel like my mom's basement kind of gets beat to death.

So I would think of another specific snack that's kind of nerdy. Yeah, I would say popcorn feet and penis. Well, also like instead of popcorn, you know what I mean? It's like kettle corn is funnier than popcorn. You know what I mean? Yeah.

But that's what I'm saying. Or if there's a different snack that you can, like you smell like Funyuns and you know, whatever. It keeps the animal out of it. You don't have to do a rule of three joke and say penis. I would try to stay away from that type of mentality when you can. It got a laugh at popcorn in mom's basement. It'd be funnier at kettle corn in mom's basement.

I definitely wouldn't have penis. Or it'd be kettle corn and he smelled like kettle corn and hand-me-down clothes or something. Something that's like... Kettle corn and no job. That's what he smelled like. Kettle corn in a Burger King bathroom. Yeah, unemployment.

Anything specific. You can keep testing different ones out and see which one feels better. The cool thing was you wrote and came back the next week, which is fucking genius because you didn't just try to do this. I wasn't here last week, but you didn't just try to come in and do the stuff from last week. Right.

No, it's different every week. And that's the part of when you're a comedian, you have to keep exploring it. You know what I'm saying? And if you don't, you're never going to figure out where you're going to go. I think it's good, too, because it's so personal. It's a real story. Exactly. Until you can start talking about yourself

and who you are and if you really are a gamer you should really dive into that. Because that is a great niche for a woman. And it's totally a great time for that. Nerds have taken over the world and you're like a fetish at this point. Sarah Dresses

on Twitter, guys. Give it up for Sarah. Hopefully she'll be back next week. I want to say something before we split. Thanks for having me on, guys. Of course. I was going to say thank you to Dean Del Rey. That's at Dean Del Rey on Twitter. What's happening with you, Dean? Let's see.

Going to La Jolla Comedy Store with Chris Porter next month. So if you're out there, please come out. We're going to be doing a rock and roll show. How fun. And Tony's going to be on my podcast, Let There Be Talk, next week. Yep. So there you go. And the lovely Sarah Tiana, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me. Hell yeah. Guys live in this show, stick around because the Ding Dong Show follows this live at 10 o'clock. Iron Patriot. What's your name on Twitter? At Comic Patriot. You can follow the Iron Patriot. Give them some notes

or some feedback yourself. Thanks for listening. Thanks Brian Redband. We do this every Monday, 8 o'clock guys. And we're following. Next up is the Ding Dong Show, so stick around for the Ding Dong Show. There you go. Thanks, everybody.

I'm here, Ollie! I'm here, Ollie! Click plus C.