KILL TONY - KILL TONY #301

Episode Date: October 17, 2018

Kill Tony Mania #2, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows. And you can click on tour dates. Thank you. and then we're going on this huge Texas tour. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the info.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to Shopyanjebelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, and you have a bunch of Death Squad merch that's just released,

like a new Death Squad hat and shirt, and we got new stickers and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red. Coming to you live from Cobb's comedy company for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. San Francisco, you can do better than that.

Make some fucking noise. This is it. Wow. This is fucking exciting. Brian Redman is here. What is fucking exciting. Brian Redman is here. What is up? Hey, look at that. Underneath the first picture all the way to the left on the black wall,

that's Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Oh, he's right over there. Look at him. This is like we're in Los Angeles. This is Kill Tony Mania. Yes. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is fucking chaos.

How many of you were at the first show by any chance? Wow. I mean, that is just unbelievable. The loyalty and fucking the getting it that this audience gets it is high levels. High levels of getting it. High levels. You know, sometimes you have a big show like that like this the first ever episodes 300 and 301 of the number one live podcast in the world the first ever ever ever out of all the places we've done it all around

montreal toronto new york city san San Francisco five times, Florida, Nashville, Fort Wayne, Cincinnati, Cleveland, New York, New York, New York, over and over again. We've never done two in one night. This is a special, special happening. And to be honest with you, I'm glad that a lot of you were at the first show because then you'll get to really appreciate the fact of exactly how many surprises and how much fun stuff we have planned for you through the entire night. You know, a big show like this, a lot of people get anxious. They get uncomfortable. You know what helps me? CBD.

Yeah. Without a doubt. You might be wondering, what is CBD? Well, let me tell you. It's 100% legal, a natural ingredient taken from hemp plants, and it helps keep your body's endocannabinoid system balanced. Basically, CBD gives you all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. Chronic pain, inflammation, anxiety, and more.

And about 42% of CBD users have stopped using traditional medication. Can you guys believe that? How fucking cool is that? This day and age where so many places people are affected by all these crazy pain pills. Instead of Tylenol or taking pills for like a neck pain or a back pain, just rub some CBD on your neck. It's great. And I mean, clearly, you know, they're a sponsor of the show.

And you think that, you know, it's one of those things to where, oh, they say that because they get paid for that, right? But really, truly, I mean, CBD is totally changing a lot of the people in my life's problems. My wife has scoliosis. You can't tell that she has it because it's one of those sideways scoliosis that doesn't come out. Don't say you, lady, all right? My wife is fucking so much hotter than you, so why don't you shut up? Anyway, she has a bad thing that you can't tell.

Maybe you should have listened a little closer. You can't fucking tell unless you're looking at an x-ray. Because, and you know, a thing that she told me is that, unlike this lady, my wife never complains about the pain that she's in. Literally, my wife never complains.

And then one day she rubbed this CBD stuff one night before bed. She rubbed it on that part of her back. She woke up and she's like, Tony, I don't have pain for the first time in my life. She's Australian, by the way. That's amazing. That's amazing. It's really fucking cool.

And you can get the best CBD possible right now from InfiniteCBD.com. Use the promo code Tony15 and you get 15% off any purchase. You need to rub some. Perhaps, lady, you could rub some on your forehead. You know what I mean? Get that fucking brain activated. Come on, your boyfriend's laughing at this. Cheer up.

Ha ha! I know this is going to be a fucking fun show tonight. This crowd is hype. They want blood. They're already happy that I'm making fun of this eight that's in the front row. Wow, that's nice. It's nice, but she thinks she's a nine and a half, so eight's really an

insult. See, sometimes an insult doesn't have to make the whole crowd go woo. It's just really made for one person. You know what I mean? Realistic. You say ew about anything that has to do with my wife. That's what you fucking get, lady. Damn. I'm hot to trot.

I'm hyped up on fucking sugar-free Red Bull and whiskey and fucking pot. CBD? Yes. I have CBD running through my veins. Use the promo code right now, Tony15, and save 15% off CBD. You guys ready to get into this damn thing or what?

It's a different show than show one. Let's jump right into the band. On this show, every single episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. The people that were at show number one know that they were a combination of Mariah Chi, Cholos, and Jolina made an appearance here.

The legendary Jolina. And I don't know what they're going to be this episode. Hopefully they change quick. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. It is Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Okay. I'm going to be honest with you. I really, truly don't know what you guys are supposed to be. We're app developers from Silicon Valley.

Oh, wow. There we go. Wow. All right. That's a special one. This is the first time we've had app developers on the show ever. How are you doing? Doing good, Tony. It's great. You live here in San Francisco? I work here in San Francisco. I live in Oakland. I don't even know why that's funny, but it worked. Well, the rent's cheaper there, Tony. Black people. Do you...

Wow. Man. And it appears as if, though, Chroma Chris, who always, I guess I'm just realizing now, he's always looked like an app programmer. I guess that's why I couldn't quite tell where you were. How are you doing tonight, Chroma Chris? You rarely talk, but it appears as though the lead singer and saxophonist of the band JMI is running a little bit late.

I'm still developing, Tony. Fuck yeah. Tony, I didn't know I didn't know Weezer was playing here tonight Hey Got it Oh shit Girl McChrystal knows how to get the ladies wet

Especially ladies in their late 30s From the early 90s Weezer Hell yeah So alright I guess The early 90s. Weezer. Hell yeah. So, all right. I guess... Go into it. All right.

Let's just jump right into it, right? I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. This is crazy. Many more people signed up for show number two than show number one. Wow. Now, Jeremiah really does look like an app developer. This is incredible. Jeremiah, you're a little bit late. What's going on? I just had a meeting with Steve Jobs after the grave.

I'm still in communication. Oh, man. Wow. You seem like you have the style. Do you know any apps that you could tell us that you've developed? What's your specialties or anything like that? Yep, Boober. I can locate any boobs in the 300-foot radius for me, and then I can request a pickup. Let me just let you guys in on something. For example, right then, since I don't know what characters they're going to be,

when I say something like, have you developed any apps lately or anything like that, like that's a hard question. And that's incredible. Boober. Yeah. Anyway. Some fellow Boober app users in the crowd. Hell yeah.

So I'm excited about this. This is the first time we've ever had app developers on. How about that? Make some noise for your very own San Francisco's own app developers. I'm fucking pumped about this. And I'd like to sign up for Boober. You're not on that? It seems like something you'd be on immediately.

You don't need an app for that. I see tits right now. Are you looking at your own? No. Okay, so I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. If I pull your name out of the bucket, maybe it's a comedian that's been doing it 35 years. Maybe it's somebody's first time ever.

You never know what's going to happen. I talk to them afterwards. You know your set is up. You're 60 seconds that you get uninterrupted when you hear the sound of a liberal pussy. That means wrap it up then, Earl. She's going to bring out the Castro District Bear. Wow. This is a very special San Francisco episode.

You guys ready to start this shit or what? To the bucket we go, San Francisco. We had an amazing first show. Lots of fun times, meltdowns, compelling. We learned some stuff. We went through death and life together, highs and lows. We fixed the sound quite a bit. I'm pumped about this. Your first comedian going first tonight. Make some noise.

Getting the party started. Your very own Dan Jose. Here we go. And so it begins. Episode 301 of Kill Tony. Here he comes. He's excited. Waving his hand. One more time for Dan Jose. Thanks. It's going to be like sucking a bag full of cocks.

All right. Where are my Asians at? My people. Okay, now where are my Filipinos at? 408 in the house? Alright. Fuck the 415. Just kidding. One zero zero one. Just fucking with you. My wife, she's a gamer. She ran off with a nine-year-old this week. Who fucking?

My wife? Yeah, she ran off with a nine-year-old, so... Oh, fuck. There's the camera for YouTube up there in the corner, by the way. Wow, there you go. Dan Jose. All right. All right.

It looks like you think it went better than it did. You're giving off that vibe that you're pretty happy with tonight's performance. I'm not, Tony. It's one of the first comedy sets in which I've really just seen somebody come out and just really take a census. Where are my Caucasians at? How about my Asians? Latinos? All right.

My job here is done. Thank you. African Americans? Hell yeah. Dan Jose. From San. Hell yeah. Dan Jose. From San Jose. Wow. Okay.

Very good. Like, everything is about where you're from and area codes and shit. Again, still, you really are sort of a weird dude. How old are you? I'm actually 43. You're actually 43. I know. What do you think you look like?

A lot younger. I saw a couple of friends outside, and I know they recognize me from 10 years ago. You think you look younger? I think so. Man, you have the same problem as this lady does right here in the front row. You thought it was done. Ew. Ew, sc was done. Ew. Ew, scoliosis. Ew.

This is all night, baby. We got a lot of show left. I am soulless. And still, again, your boyfriend seems to be having fun. So when he stops laughing, maybe I'll slow down a little bit, but he keeps cracking up. I don't think he

likes you that much. Dan. I'm just kidding, but he keeps cracking up. I don't think he likes you that much. Dan. I'm just kidding, sweetheart, by the way. I love you. I love you. All right. Just relax. Uncross your arms. Have fun. Relax. So, Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Boober alert. Boober alert.

Oh, shit. Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is first time, long time. Hey, wait, wait, wait. You said first time and then you said long time. What does that mean? That's his real name. There you go. Long time listener, first time stand-up comedian.

Fuck yes. Well, there you go. It was your first time. One piece of advice that I would give is don't come up and first say, this is going to suck a bag of dicks or whatever you said, because we believed you. And then you proceeded, I mean, at least a bag of dicks. Like, people, someone's having fun, right?

And then did you see how he did, like, the karate, like, air kicks also? Like, what was that? It's like, do you think you won a prize or something like that? That was for my people, Tony. Well, let me guess. Which ones are your people? The Latinos, the Asians, the Caucasians? A little bit of everything. or something like that? That was for my people, Tony. Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. Which ones are your people? The Latinos, the Asians, the Caucasians?

A little bit of everything. The people in San Jose? Whoa! Uh-oh. I'm from the 402. Watch out. The 415, the 512? Who's with me, everybody? All right.

Who loves America and oxygen and water? All right. Fisherman's Wharf all day. Did I ask you what you do for work? No, you didn't Okay there you go I'm a counselor at a high school See now I like you

What do you mean? You're like a guidance counselor? No it's a therapy kind of counselor Tony I just got an alert You're fired Pedophile jokes huh? I just got an alert. You're fired. Yeah. Pedophile jokes, huh? Wow.

That's fun, man. So you help kids out a lot. Yeah. I'm a professional liar. Yeah. What do you mean by that? I try to help them as best I can, but eventually they have to go back home. Have you had a bad case happen?

Have you had anybody kill themselves or something like that? Not a kid, but parents. Really? Parents have killed themselves to students that you've had? Yeah, some kids have witnessed the trauma. Oh, man, that's horrible. That is horrible. Anybody, any interesting ways of killing themselves? You know what?

Just regular, boring ways like pills and things like that. Yeah, any fucking good fucking splatter, you know what I'm talking about, dude? Any of the fucking good old like big toe fucking shotgun to the mouth? Did any of them die holding their breath going under a tunnel? Wow. What the fuck? Robin Williams? Did they?

It was a great joke. And I honestly, I loved the fact that you had a stroke halfway through, Joel Berg. I've been, honestly, I've been staring at a computer screen all day. It was a malfunction. It won't happen again. We're going to work the bugs out of this program, Tony. So, Dan, you seem like a nice guy. You're really happy.

I mean, for a first set, it was, you know, fine, totally cool. I mean, a lot better than most people's first sets. So let me ask you this. Like, you seem like such a goody-two-shoes guy. You're out there helping kids. You're kicking your leg after a mediocre set. So let me ask you something. What is something naughty about you?

Do you have any pet peeves? Guilty pleasures, I guess is what I'm asking. I like playing video games. You do? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, hey. What kind of games?

He's a counselor, not a teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Overwatch. Overwatch? Overwatch, yeah. Overwatch. Overwatch? Overwatch? Yeah. Huh. Overwatch and...

Is that like for Baywatch, but for people that are over the hill? Yeah. Shooter. It's a shooter game. I'm 43, actually. How about what else other than video games? There's got to be something. You ever, like, kick a puppy or anything like that?

Oh, man. No, not at all. No, no. Come on. Nothing ever? You've never done anything? You never killed a baby bird? Wow.

A grown bird. You've killed a grown bird? Yeah. With what? The windshield of my car. It was like a hot... Wow. That is a horrible way to fucking...

To smash somebody with a windshield of a car like that. It's such a horrible way to kill a bird. Anyway. I feel like we've overwatched this guy. Yeah, I think that's about it. I agree with you. Funny enough, I was just going to say that. Dan, congratulations.

How about we congratulate Dan on having the balls to sign up for this show? It's his first time ever. And let me say something, by the way. Let me say something, by the way. I want you guys to have all the fucking fun in the world. I want you guys to laugh and be in the moment and everything. But I heard some people yell boo and fuck you during that. Look, if you didn't have the balls to sign up

and put your name on a piece of paper here tonight, you don't have the fucking right to say anything out there. You guys are either laughing or not laughing or groaning together or doing something, but I don't want to hear any of you verbalize fucking words out there. Bitch asses. Yeah, you bitch asses. You know what?

Fuck the bucket. Let's bring up a big ass fucking... Oh, shit. I should just point. Let's go back to the bucket one more time then, shall we? No, let's do this. Let's do this all the way. One of the people that we brought with us

all the way from Los Angeles here today is a Kill Tony legend, a Kill Tony icon. You've listened to him for years now, believe it or not. If you've listened to all this show, you've been listening to this guy for over five years.

He's never been able to do a road episode with us. So many people sign up in Los Angeles nowadays every Monday at the Comedy Store that the odds of someone just getting randomly pulled go down tremendously when there's more names in the bucket. This is one of those guys that I wish we got to see more of. You know him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, he is the king.

Mikey McKernan, everybody. Turnin' everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you. San Francisco, what's up? Are you ready for this? Because I am. Great to be here. Oh my my god I love this city first time I came to the city I unfortunately found the ghetto on accident yeah I parked in a sketchy neighborhood it was so sketchy all the walls were covered with charcoal techniques yeah I was like I better better Van Gogh. Boo. Ah.

Art. Hey, hey, you think Picasso grew up in an etchy neighborhood? Cube. Ah. Cube. Ah. Ah. I was just voted intellectual's least favorite comedian on the dark web. Thank you.

I was interviewed. They're like, what's your stand- web. Thank you. I was interviewed. They're like, what's your stand-up comedy like? And I was honest. I said, it's like my lovemaking. I got tiny bits. Oh. Huh? Fuck yeah.

The king of the boo-ha. Mikey McKernan. Mikey, let's not waste any time. Thank you. Why don't you just come join panel for the rest of the show-ha, Mikey McKernan. Mikey, let's not waste any time. How about you just come join panel for the rest of the show, huh? Yeah. Boom. Love it. That fast.

Back to the bucket we go. You guys ready for this shit? Mikey McKernan is here. So if anybody gets to say boo, it's him. Good job, Mikey. Thank you. Yes, great set, by the way. Thank you. That was fun. I didn't even really job, Mikey. Thank you. Yes, great set, by the way. Thank you. That was fun.

I didn't even really get a chance to tell you. This appears, though, it might be, I hope I'm not wrong about this, and it's just a worldly name, but this might be the first female pulled out of the bucket here tonight, it appears. Make some noise for Kayla Keller.

Kayla Keller? Hey, here she comes from back there. It's Kayla Keller. Fuck yeah, you guys. Get some vagina on the stage. Yeah, I went to Planned Parenthood recently. It's a Planned Parenthood in the city. It's very classy.

It shares a parking lot with a Burger King. Like all classy places do, there's a billboard.arenthood in the city. It's very classy. It shares a parking lot with the Burger King. Like all classy places do. There's a billboard someone spent tens of dollars to put up. It says if you park in the Burger King parking lot, you go to Planned Parenthood, we're going to tow your car. I was there getting an IUD put in. Very responsible. Went to the Burger King afterwards,

letting that shit marinate. Letting the copper soak in. Eating a Whopper Junior, dipping that shit in the honey mustard sauce. The free honey mustard. Don't pay 50 cents. dipping that shit in the honey mustard sauce, the free honey mustard. Don't pay 50 cents. Fuck that shit. You're an adult. Don't do it. A girl walks in. She's like, what happened to my car? The lady's like, we towed it. She's like, yeah, well, I was next door getting an abortion. And the one's like, you should

have bought a fucking hamburger. Because in this town, it doesn't matter how expensive it gets, you cannot gentrify a Burger King their whole life is an abortion. They don't want to hear about yours. I want to believe it's just a pro-life tow company. Just a dude with a Folgers single pack and an awkward mustache. Crucifix hanging from the rear view like, $500

should have kept that baby bitch. Wow, alright. Okay. Okay. First of all, I actually have good, yeah, we have the sound of the abortion that happened. Yes, they whip it out of the woman. That's how they do it. Indiana Jones it or something.

Yeah, exactly. So, Kayla, that was fun. I love the shit about a fucking burger bitch like that's just great I would say move that up and save the sauce thing for a different thing I don't think you need all that so I was sort of wondering logistically it's like a lot of jumping around and I just I wanted to

get to that like I knew you were gonna end up getting at a towing joke or something like that so it's like the sauce and all that plus I don't know how do you get free sauce I just love the free honey mustard it's like the sauce and all that. Plus, I don't know. How do you get free sauce? Yeah, how do you get free sauce? I just love the free honey mustard. It's close to my heart. Yeah, but how do you do it?

You order and then afterwards you go, by the way, I need honey mustard. They're not going to re-ring you up. Oh, you go to a... That's a good tip. You got to do... I mean, come on. White privilege.

All right. You make it work where you can, man. Free abortion and free honey mustard. Hey, I think that the Planned Parenthood near the Burger King should have a sign that says, have it or don't have it your way. You're good.

He has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Joel Berg is definitely on the drums right now. Drinking water without letting the bottle touch his lips for some reason. And stopping the cymbal with his feet. How many abortions have you had? Zero. That's what the IUD is for. Right, right, right.

You can do that or have a baby in you. Yeah, Brian thinks that abortions cry and come out with whips. So he doesn't really understand what's happening. Well, he did. Whoa. I don't know what that means. Okay, Kayla. Don't be mean. I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay. So, Kayla, you've been doing stand-up for a while? A year and a half. A year and a half. Yeah. And this is your first time on Kill Tony. It's my second. I was at Punch with y'all.

Oh, you call it Punch instead of Punchline. Yeah. Because some things are just so fucking hard. I like that. It's too much. Just one more fucking sound of your mouth. A punch is also a style of abortion. My mouth is...

Oh, yeah, it's perfect. Oh! Wow. Wow. Joelberg is on fire. That's why you got to go for the punchline. Wow. So is the Burger King good next to the abortion clinic?

Are they ever good? Precious meal. Yeah, you're ever afraid that you're eating a fucking little baby whopper? I feel like that's where the chicken fries come from. A Little Mac? Yeah. That's a different place altogether. It's a whole different establishment.

Fuck yeah. That was a good point, though. I thought the whole bit was a good point that you got there. Oh, thanks. Hell yeah. Good advice. Look who's giving you a little extra sauce. I just want to braid your hair so bad.

Okay, I let you talk there and I shouldn't have. Oh, come on. So you've been doing stand-up for a year and a half. What do you do for work? How do you make money? I'm a mom during the day. Really? How old's your kid? I have a three-year-old, a two-year-old, and a nine-month-old. Do you ever take them to that Burger King?

That is one of... You have one of the worst IUDs I've ever heard of in my life. That's why I've got one now, yeah. Too little, too late, huh? Fucking three babies basically nine months apart. Did you get an IUD or a DUI? Jesus. My God.

I mean, freaking wow. Look. Wow. Wait, how old are you? I'm 28. When was your first baby? She's three. Now she wants to D.I.E.

Wow.I.E. Wow. Incredible. Well, Kayla, you like having kids? Yeah. Yeah. You trying for more? You still getting letting your man blast away inside of you? No, I'm dating a 23-year-old.

Yeah. You're dating a 23-year-old? Yeah. Wow. You left the baby daddy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You got to move on. Well, yeah. No, I'm sure the way that you make babies, he was probably ready for that. He was tabbed out. He was tabbed out. Yeah. Wow. So what was his story?

Was he an older guy? No, he's my age. Well, I mean, he's my age. He's your age. Yeah. Right. You were with him a while? Yeah, for like eight years.

Eight years. And then three years ago, you're like fucking blast away inside me. Let's make human beings. Yeah, why not? This is going to last for a long time. The world is ending. How old is your youngest kid with that guy? She's nine months old.

She's nine months old. So how long ago did you leave him? Like almost nine months ago. Nine months ago. Yeah. That's incredible. So the baby came out. You're like, I want another young person inside of me. Yeah, exactly.

Let's get this 23 year old. Just let him fucking... You gonna let him start? Oh, I like that. Thank you. Wow. I'm getting respect tonight. I like this. Feels different than what some people like to give me. Oh boy.

Mathematically, that's one of the best jokes you'll hear tonight. Yeah. Give you a high rating. All right. Well, I mean, that's so interesting. So how long have you been with the 23-year-old? For almost nine months.

Almost nine months. Wow. The old switcheroonie. I'm sure you really waited for the other guy to get out before you started banging the 23-year-old. We know how you women like to work. You never like to have one thing lined up before the next. So my question is, does the 23-year-old

know that you have three children? He's aware. I call him teenage stepdad. I'll go in the room and they're all in the bed together and they're like, we all need snacks. I'm like, you all need snacks? How does one of you make me horny? How does this work? Wow, so you're raising four losers.

Perfect. Is your new guy, is he successful? Is he rich? He's a comedian. Oh, wow. What did I say? Did he sign up tonight? Yeah.

Oh, shit. He's here tonight. Wow. Where are your three kids right now? Did he sign up tonight? Yeah. Oh, shit. He's here tonight. Wow. Where are your three kids right now? They're at home with my mom. She's an indentured servant at this point. Wow. Dude, if you're in here, get a vasectomy tonight.

Tie your balls. I feel like this chick just wraps her legs around you when it's time. She's like, stay in me. Kayla, we got a lot of bucket to get there. It was so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for coming on. There she goes. Kayla Keller. We are off and running. Back to the bucket

we go. How about that shit? One more time for Kayla, everybody. Come on. Her kids are with her grandma right now. 23 and three kids. No, she's 28. 28 and three kids. Yeah.

Wow. All right. How about John Callahan, everybody? Here we go. San Francisco zone. Guarantee it. John Callahan. everybody. Here we go. San Francisco zone. Guarantee it. John Callahan.

Taking his time. Come on up here, John. One more time for John Callahan, everybody. So I'm not even from San Francisco. I'm actually from Corning. Probably most of you never heard of it. Oh, okay, that's cool.

Yeah. You probably heard of Chico, though. Like, we're basically about 30 minutes away. The place I'm from, more like a truck stop, I guess. It's got, I mean, just we were in Japan town when we showed up. And I was like, oh my god, dude, like this store has more people than our town does. Like, it's ridiculous. And then, yeah, I worked at one of the truck stops. I rode my bike to work. And the maintenance guys, they go go around we fit about 150 trucks in the back and well they decided to switch out my seat with a dildo they found in one of the trash cans I was

just wondering who put their hand in and grabbed a trash like dildo like what the fuck and i mean people got hookers and stuff oh like we call them lot lizards that's hell yeah all right john motherfucking callaghan look at the hockey smile on this guy Mikey McKernan wasting no time Fuck yeah Getting right into the fucking Man Hitting it right from the beginning Well I mean when you grow up with your Parents being like

Basically Our family ran like the drug trade In Tehama and Butte in Tehama and Butte. Oh, Tehama and Butte. So I didn't know anything about. I never did drugs, but I never knew anything about a dentist. Wow, the way San Francisco likes to recycle, I didn't think we'd see a pile of trash like you up here tonight.

No, I'm kidding. I like your style. And by style, I do not mean smile. I said style. And by style, I do not mean smile. I said style. You are the funniest picnic blanket we've ever had on this show. Is Japantown a real place out here?

Hey! Japantown? Hey! That sounds fun. That just sounds like something racist people would call it. Hey! I'm hungry. What do you think?

Go around that Japantown getting some chicken? Let's go to Orientalville. This guy looks like a lumber crack. Lumber stack of pancake. Fuck yeah. I mean, it is. What do you do for work now, John? I work at Walmart. Oh, fuck yeah.

Abso-fucking-lutely. Yeah, it's not that good. I hope not as the greeter. I only did that when I broke when I fractured my ankle. For those of you listening to the podcast or watching the YouTube, because I'm sure you can't tell,

he's got fucking like, I mean, like, you know. Actually, this one that I have. Oh, shit. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch that one. I cannot have that fall out. Well, then again, maybe we should just do it, dude. This is Kill Tony Mania. What do you guys say we pull this guy's

last fucking two back? He just did. He can take it out. Look it. He can take it out. No way. Oh, my God. Jesus. Oh my God. I was fucking kidding, dude. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast,

he just took his one tooth out of his face. Holy fucking shit. Spaghetti noodle attached. Are you jealous of the jack-o'-lantern bucket? I wish I could be like him. Probably work a lot of haunted mazes this time of year, don't you? Yeah.

Do people ever come up and tell you that they love your fucking costume? So realistic. When you go down and a girl doesn't make it like parmesan cheese at Olive Garden, it's just like shredding it. You look like what Conor McGregor would have ended up looking like

if there was no referees or security at the event on Saturday. Thank you, fight fans. I think that was a fucking great one. Because he was getting his ass beat and he would have gotten his teeth knocked out. Probably. Probably, yeah, for sure. So what do you do for fun, John?

I'm so intrigued by you. First of all, let me tell you this. Let me ask you this. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow! I fucking love that, man. A puppy.

I fucking loved it, dude. You fought through it tooth and nail, mostly tooth. You know, it was, you know, a lot of people come up here the first time, it's like pulling teeth, you know what I mean? And you were able to come down here and really fucking bite down. Yeah. And I love that you're talking about your fucking real life, you know what I mean? Like, you know, I loved Kayla's one joke, but, you know, for example, like, I would have loved to have heard more about, like, her real thing. She's talked about having an IUD, and it turns out she has three fucking kids.

You're talking about being garbage the whole time, and guess what? That shit's real. Yeah, I believe you. I mean, like, some of my, some of the teeth, just bad luck. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you just say some teeth bad luck? Well, I don't know. I guess I should have brushed more of them.

Yeah, that's more like that. Some of them fell out. I have epilepsy. Oh, Jesus. Now I feel terrible. I thought you were just fucking white trash from a drug family. Oh, I am. Now it's not fun at all.

The epilepsy, Jesus. Yeah, we were hoping for no diseases. Oh, I have, with my epilepsy, I mean, I've always just thought, you know, whatever. I don't care about, like, my friend Arturo that's here with me. He's made fun of my epilepsy since he found out I had it. Oh, yeah? What does he say about it? What does he say about your epilepsy?

Tell us what, like, the worst thing that happens to you when you have epilepsy. He likes to make fun of the fact that my whole body goes to the right so I start spinning like this. No fucking way. How do we do this right now? That was fucking amazing.

Brian Redband. Man, we're all just fucking showing off tonight, aren't we? Holy shit. We should do these two shows more often. We came into this fucking warmed up, huh? That's where the creatures are coming out. Can I see what happens when you have an epileptic attack one more time? Just one more time.

It's literally like my eyes and everything. I just start going like I'm going retarded. Jeremiah? The good thing is you won't bite your tongue with any teeth. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Man. Just when I thought the epilepsy was going to make it sad,

everything literally took a turn for the better. I didn't bring that to make it sad or nothing. No, it's great. We're laughing. I'm like, hey, you know, the first time I had it, I was sitting at, I was like 12, I think think my mom said i might have had more when i was younger because she'd find me like laying out in the orchard she would lie to you oh honey She wouldn't tell you until you were 12?

Well, no. Wait, was it an apple orchard? Because I just pictured a bunch of apples with bites taken out of them. No, Corning's the city of olives, so we do olives. Oh, my God. I've never heard anything like it before. My mom told me that she used to find me in the orchard. It's so honest.

You can tell it's honest because it's an orchard. No one would ever be able to lie about that. My mom said that she found me. It used to find me. Think about that Think about how bad the parenting is And it's a fucking orchard The first one confirmed it was

When I first met my dad At 12 My mom basically hid me from my dad So You fucking keep this shit up. You're coming back to L.A. with all of us. There's one seat left. We got one seat left.

You fucking keep this shit up. Keep this up, and you will be sleeping on Mikey McKernan's floor tomorrow. But no, like, yeah. My mom had five other kids with my dad and then got divorced left them with the next door lady took off like i don't i don't even need to do an interview just keep fucking going dude well no the thing was like she was with pete the one that was my dad and literally uh i'd like to apologize to everybody else that signed up tonight yeah you had your chance the first show But like yeah So that happened

And then They got in a fight My mom called my dad He still loved her So he drove up Was gonna beat his ass And then they had a one night stand And then

He didn't hear about me Until I was 12 Okay Well I mean Okay I want the box set of you. All right, John, we've literally spent ten minutes with you, so I literally have to keep it going.

But before I let you go, I'm going to do something that I've never done in the history of all of these road shows, and I am going to give you basically a golden ticket. Anytime you're ever in L.A., you get to do a spot-on kill time. Hell yeah. Sean Callahan, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. That's how the magic happens right there.

Hey, you better write all that shit down, buddy. Hell yeah, dude. Write a fucking book, bro. You better write all that shit down that's that was not that's nothing I had planned at all it just it only feels absolutely right to do something fucking super special for a guy like that that just

keeps spewing the most honest and hilarious shit I've ever heard that was beautiful you guys you guys didn't see it but that was so funny Tony almost quit doing the show. Yeah. He said, I can't do this anymore. Yes. He fucking, his mom found him in an orchard.

The parenting is so terrible. Like, not only did she, it obviously took her years to realize that her son had, of all things, epilepsy. Yeah. To where normally, you know, people, kids are biting their tongue. Obviously, his tongue was biting his teeth. Yeah. We got to get an iPhone case for his face. What'd she tell her dad at 12?

He's like, don't worry, he doesn't get that far. So, John Callahan, before you leave tonight, make sure you check in with me or Josh or whoever so that we can get your information and you can hit us up before the next time you come down to Los Angeles. It's an open invite. I don't think any of the fans of the show will be mad at me. When you run out of trashy ass stories, we'll send you back up to San Fran.

You know what? Let's do another special treat. Why not? I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry. I know. We're doing two and then a treat. Two and then a treat. Why not? I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry. I know. We're doing two and then a treat. Two and then a treat. So, you know, the regular ships that have happened on this show have lasted

over half a fucking decade. And we have a lot of amazing, amazing, amazing alumni in that group. And, you know, before we had Malcolm, who's not going to be able to make it here tonight. He's actually... Yeah, I'm sorry, people. He actually

went to see Mike Epps perform stand-up comedy tonight. Hey. Lay down. We let him do what he wants. I'm Dana, and he's Connor, and he just gets to run the roost. Tonight he wanted to see Mike Epps. He's going to see Mike E gets to run the roost. And tonight he wanted to see Mike Epps.

He's going to see Mike Epps. That's the business. But shut the fuck up. What did I tell you about your booze over there, huh? Huh? Boo? Huh? Huh?

Huh? So, but you do get to see another regular who's gone on to have a flourishing fucking career. She opens for some of the greatest comedians in the world uh you know her you love her ladies and gentlemen special surprise it's the one and only sarah wineshank what's up? I found a cure for my insomnia recently. I downloaded a white noise app that plays the sound of parents fighting. It sounds just like home.

I'm not depressed, but sometimes I stand in front of my microwave just to shave off a few years. My vibe is postpartum, but I haven't had any kids. I think the tar pit would be a dope name for a heroin recovery center. for a heroin recovery center. I feel like there probably aren't too many murder mystery dinners in Compton. I think Kumquat is too vulgar a name for a small orange citrus fruit.

Have you ever thought someone was normal until you looked at their toothbrush? It's like, how angry are you? Are you cleaning your grill after a barbecue? Or are you cleaning your grill after a barbecue? That's it. Boom. Sarah Weinshank. Sarah, come join the panel. Weinshank's on the panel. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Did I just lose volume here?

Do I sound lesser in the back? Okay, it sounds better. Very good. Good set. Yes, good set. Sarah Weinshank, ladies and gentlemen. You've heard her talk about everything if you're a fan of the show. Kitchen utensils, fucking drawer liners.

What haven't you covered? Spatulas? Rolodex. Rolodex. I got a Rolodex bit now. Ooh, Rolodex. Look out. Can't wait to see that one. So let's just keep this fun train moving along. We're flying through the San Francisco Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny.

By the way, this is the actual bucket. Made it all the way from L.A., if you've ever wondered. It even says Ichabod on the side with his own lettering. This is the official bucket. I'll be accepting $2 to pet it later. Give it up for Paper Straws. Woo! Oh, they have paper straws here.

I see what you did there. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's make some noise for Nick Snyder. Here he comes, it's Nick Snyder. Walking straight up. One more time for Nick Snyder ladies and gentlemen yes okay

so yeah where do I start so my mother is a lesbian right and so I've grown up around a lot of women right and so I've observed a lot of behaviors. And, you know, one of these behaviors that I find the most interesting, but they think it works, but I know it doesn't work,

is it's not a lesbian thing, right? It's just kind of a woman thing. Their ability to talk shit about a woman that's standing two feet away. Just right there. And, like, look at her. She's just hella fake. Like, oh, my God. What the hell?

Like, I know you're talking about her. How doesn't she know you're talking about her, right? And then when they get caught, right, they'll get caught and go... Basically, they'll get caught. The girl will say something like, are you talking about me? And the girl will say, nobody's even thinking about you. And I'm like, what the fuck? Anyway, that's what I got.

There you go. Nick Snyder. Fuck yeah. How you doing, Nick? Talking to that microphone. Talking to the tip of it. To the tip. You can get a little bit closer.

It's like, what do you think is going to happen there? You think it like shocks you or something? App developer Jeremiah Watkins. Yes. The last comic with missing teeth, this comic is missing chromosomes. Oh, wow. Taking shots at Pierce. I don't know. I'd be nice to this guy. He seems like

he'd bully you guys in a different universe. This guy seems like he's on AlphaBrain and ShroomTech right now. I have a bully app to defend me. When was the last time you got the wind knocked out of you? Whoa, Nick, Nick. Stick over here.

Over here, Nick. Over here. A little too much Gracie jiu-jitsu going on over there. I have urine flowing down my thigh. How you doing, Nick? I'm doing good. You've been doing stand-up a while? No.

This your first time? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Awesome. Very good. Very good. There it is. The goat of the first timers.

So, Nick, you seem like a really, really tough guy. Am I picking that up right? You a former soldier or something like that? No. Former drug addict. Oh, okay. What's picking that up right? You a former soldier or something like that? No. Former drug addict. Oh, okay. What's your drug of choice? Meth. Really? Yeah. Wow.

So you're a former soldier of the drug war. Yeah, and the demons and the shadow people. Wow. How long you been doing meth for? It was kind of off and on. Strong. Mostly on? A few years and then off and on Strong So Mostly on A few years And then off

And then another few years Uh huh Wow Dude the guy with no teeth Is so jealous right now He's like He's like you Damn

This is a great fucking episode I mean This is just such a fucking unbelievably comedically strong show. I like how you're standing like it's a spelling bee or something. Very defensive. What the fuck is that? Oh my god. Your word is meth.

The double arms behind the back. Like, what is going on back there? What are you doing, breaking out of handcuffs right now? Jeremiah, the app developer. Go ahead. Yes, he looks like he's part of the USMC United States Meth Corps.

Hooah. Or as Mikey would say, Booah. Booah. So, Nick, when's the last time you did meth? March 7th

2015 Oh okay Alright cool I fucking love that man Congratulations It's weird you got clean when the best season of Breaking Bad Came out that's so bizarre to me Do you miss it?

Do you ever sit there and just wanna Jesus Red Band? What the fuck? Of course he misses it. It's fucking meth. No, I mean... What are you talking about? It was the meth of time and the worst of times. Wait, question. What were your favorite activities

to do on meth? Sorry. Uh, tweak and freak. What does that mean? Tweak and freak? That's like sex? It's like focused fucking Wow Damn Hell yeah

Tweaking Freak on a leash That was the first time we saw his hand Tweaking Freak What is focused fucking like? What does that make you feel like? I don't really understand. I'm always trying to focus on things when I'm fucking that are going to help me not come so fast.

It's like, what is your focus? You should try it. No, no, no. I think I'm good. Actually, I have to drive us all back to Los Angeles after this. You should try it. Yeah, I think I might be down. Wow! Describe to me a little bit better. You never got an answer If you have any, yeah, I think I might be down. Wow.

So describe to me a little bit better. I never got an answer out of you on focused fucking. What does that mean to you? Can you give me an example? Oh, man, it's, I don't know. It's whenever he takes one of the top young rising comedians in a back room, rapes him, and claims that. All right, all right, all right. Very good. room. Rapes him. And claims it. Alright, alright, alright.

Very good. So, alright, well you're not really descriptive. I'm trying to get something out of you, out of this focused fucking thing. What makes focused fucking more fun than regular sober fucking? Because you're focused. Whoa.

Wait, do you mean... You know what, that was such a smart answer tonight. I am going to try meth for the very first time. Because you're focused. Whoa. Whoa. Wait, do you mean that you... You know what? That was such a smart answer tonight. I am going to try meth for the very first time. If anybody has any, I'll smoke it right now. How about that? Kill Tony Mania.

Let's ruin my life. Come on. Let's do this. Tony, no, no, no. It just means he does it and then he fucks in a Ford Focus. Ah. Fuck yeah. Tweak and free Kill Tony mania

2018 baby. That's what I like to hear. No, you're not doing math tonight. Okay, so Nick, what helped you get sober? Just in case if there's any listeners out there that are into tweaking and freaking and whatnot.

Oh man, you just gotta hit bottom. You just gotta get done. What, man. You just got to hit bottom. You just got to get done. What was your bottom? What happened to you? Yeah, did he look like me? Yeah, I did. The bottom that you hit? Yeah, I did.

Hey, let me spell it out for you guys that didn't get it the first time. I can make fun of myself for seeming gay, you assholes. When did you know that you hit bottom? When I couldn't get bus money to get down to the Tenderloin. Damn. Wow. What were you going to go do in the Tenderloin?

Whatever I wanted. What's the Tenderloin? Oh, do you have time? It's the ghetto. What the fuck was that? What is going on here? Oh, the San Francisco ghetto. Oh, do you have time? It's the ghetto What the fuck was that? What is going on here? Oh, the San Francisco ghetto Oh, wow, what is there?

A Hyatt or something like that? Oh, it's the ghetto of San Francisco Oh, the four-star hotels Oh, people with part-time jobs Tony, it's the wishing tunnel. It's the walking dead down there. Is it really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Ask me again. Well, I mean, if this is what their bottom-hitting walking dead looks like, I asked him earlier if he was a goddamn American soldier. Professor Jeremiah, I mean, after Deliver. Yeah, let's just say I've had the wind knocked out of me down there a bunch of times.

All right, we're going to keep flying through this bucket. There he goes. Hey, man, make some noise for this guy's first time ever. Hey, great job, dude. Come on, one more time for this guy. His first time ever. Okay, let's go back to the bucket again. You guys get it, right? You're having fun, right? Come on.

I cannot let you guys get away with that. You guys are having fun, all right? There's no shortcuts out there, all right? If we have to use our fucking energy to think of crazy shit, then you guys can yell and scream like animals when I ask you to. Deal, right? Wow, okay. That's ineligible handwriting.

I mean, that's just sad. No, no, no. It's impossible. It's pointless, Jeremiah. It looks like My's just sad. No, no, no. It's impossible. It's pointless, Jeremiah. It looks like Myrtle Beach. Jeremiah can decode it. If you write like that, then you're never going to get anywhere anyway, so it doesn't matter. Hey, that should be a new rule.

It never happens. That's the first time ever where there's a name that's just that bad. They did it for attention or something like that. Maybe they're hieroglyphics. I'm not going to give it to them anymore, so I'm going to read another name. Make some noise for Sam Stockwell, everybody. Sam Stockwell. Good handwriting.

Sam Stockwell. Sam, Sam, Sam, where are you? Going once. Balcony. He's coming from the balcony. He's coming from the old Abe Lincoln booth. Run! Run! Run! Sam Stockwell, ladies and gentlemen.

Woo! Didn't really think this would happen, but what's up, San Francisco? I'm Sam. I'm a white rapper. We all know one of those. It's kind of fucked up. It's 2018, and you still got to say that shit like imagine i had any other hobby profession hobby if you're gonna be a dick about it i'm just like

hey i'm sam i'm a baseball player a white baseball player like you know the only difference i could really see between hip-hop and comedy is in comedy, you bomb, you're done. It's over. Good luck next time. In hip-hop, you suck. You're slime, man. Come on. Time to get some face tattoos.

You know? I can't do that shit. My skin, it's soft. It's sensitive. These teardrops are real. All right? And isn't that the goal? To be real? there you go sam stockwell i like that hell yeah you've been you've been doing stand-up a while

first time first time ever look at that goddamn puppies how long did you how long have you been preparing or how long have you had that minute written? The last week. The last week. You're like, I'm going to put it all together. Are you really a white rapper? Is that true? Yeah. Are you part of a group or anything like that?

What's your rap name? I know it's not Sam Stockwell. It is not Sam Stockwell. Y'all ready for this? Is it Sad Sam? Sam Stockwell. Can is not Sam Stockwell. Y'all ready for this? Is it Sad Sam? Sam Stockwell. Can I do a 16 for you, Tony? What's a 16?

16 bars. Sure, sure. Let's hear it out, Sam. Go right ahead. Here he is. San Francisco's very own Sam Stockwell. I reckon he said that I step in. I reckon my word is my weapon.

Don't push me. I'm stressed and digested in a state of psychosis. Awaken hypnosis. They amp up the dos I reckon my word is my weapon. Don't push me, I'm stressing, digesting a state of psychosis. Awaken hypnosis, they amp up the dosage and can't break my focus. I'll sit in the lotus and wait. Twisting these verses, I swear it's like bait. Swear it's like bait for the hate. Kept on mute, I'll mutate in the booth and awaken those waiting on proof. Man, we staging a coup, taking back everything that was taken from you.

Yo, VIP. Wow, that was pretty fucking incredible. You know, that's an amazing. It's so fun. You know, I fucking love rap. You know, it's fun that we have the type of show where we can meet someone like you and have that happen. You know, come all the way to San Francisco with 12 of my favorite lackeys to get impressed by a guy with tight khakis. Yeah. Oh, shit. You know, come up here and have fun with my friends on the panel just so that I can look at a white rapper in a flannel.

with my friends on the panel just so that I could look at a white rapper in a flannel. Can I say one thing? Sure, go right ahead. So, your band was describing the modern guy these days, and my girlfriend's looking at me like every check on the list, she's just laughing at me because

I had the Prius, the man bun, the tight pants oh you're talking about reagan and watkins uh 21st century boy and girl what is it yes wow deep deep deep fucking cut one could almost say that we've gone to coldberg you know 10 more uh oh a lot of people hold on joel hold on fact-checking. I'm just trying to promote my friend's album. It's a little bit inside baseball. Blog it. You're referencing a song that I don't even think has come out yet.

And when it does, they'll be waiting for it. Guys, a little fun fact. Sorry, I just want to get this out just so that everybody remembers and knows. If Joel ever misses 10 jokes in a row he has to get a tattoo of my face on his face so oh my god uh being a white rapper does it suck nowadays for you because i mean like you you hinted at that in your material and it has to like it's it comes up a lot yeah you know like people will hear my music and be like yeah i want to collab and then okay hit me up on facebook and they're like and be like, yeah, I want to collab.

Okay, hit me up on Facebook. And they're like, oh, I don't know if I want to collab. So what's your rapper name? It's Dismisfit. Dismisfit. How do you spell that? Dismissed and then F-I-T. Dismissed with an E-D at the end? D-I-S-M-I-S-S-E-D-F-I-T.

Wow, that's such a bad rap name. I know. Change your name, dude. Is any of that available on anything or anywhere? Yeah, it's on Spotify. Spotify, Dismissed Fit. Have you ever done 100,000 plays recently on Spotify? That's great, man.

Wow, fuck yeah. You keep that up, you're going to be performing in Japantown in no time. Japantown! Can't wait. Hell yeah, dude. Well, congratulations on your first time ever on stage. And, you know,

keep talking about what's fucking real to you, dude. That's it. And I've heard I'm going to even give you this one. I've heard a lot of jokes about you know takashi six nine and things like that but i really loved how you made it about yourself and these teardrops are real and i'm telling you it's my favorite version of those jokes and all the other jokes that i heard by the way are done by comedians that are getting paid and making money doing that and that's immediately my favorite white rapper joke. And it came from you on your first night ever.

Something you wrote this week. Thank you so much. Keep it up. There he goes. That's good. Sam Stockwell. How about another special treat? You guys like special treats?

It seems like you do. This young man is truly, probably the greatest ever real creation out of Kill Tony. I mean, he was doing stand-up and working at the comedy store before we even started this podcast. He's hard to follow now, too. Yeah, he's unbelievably hard to follow. I take him on the road a lot and have him feature for me any chance that i can uh because he's a fucking stone cold killer he's gotten open for joe rogan he's part of like a big fucking you know machine coming up he's on the same sort of pathway that i was once on of working at the store and then getting people

to work with you and fucking killing and building that reputation up to the point to where you have to follow your own fucking last time they saw you he's a monster and i'm honored to even have him do uh 60 seconds on this show i'm humbly grateful because he's an unbelievable comedian he opens for rogan he opens for everybody make some noise for the great josh martin ladies and gentlemen Oh, hey, guys. You ever do things that you don't think and it fucks you over? That has happened to me recently. I was in my car listening to rap music,

and I decided to record myself rapping along with a song. And I listened to it, and it was awful. But I realized, while rapping, I said the N-word. With a hard E-R. And I was like, oh fuck, no one can ever listen to this shit. So I thought I deleted the track. Thought I'd delete it. A couple weeks later, like, I have a speech impediment. And part of my therapy is that I send recordings to my therapist of me just talking. And then we go over it and try to fix the way I talk. So I send a random track to her, not thinking anything of it.

Next morning, she calls me. She's like, Josh, heard your track. You cannot rap. I'm like, oh, fuck. She's like, Josh, you cannot rap. And as a black woman, I don't condone the use of the N-word, but that R at the end was pretty damn good.

Our therapy's working. Wow, I fucking love that. Incredible. You know what? Mikey McKernan, I only have enough. Incredible. You know what? Mikey McKernan, I only have enough room for two, ha? So why don't we let Josh take that spot. Mikey McKernan, everybody. Josh Martin's going to come in.

Josh Martin is getting in there. Get in there, Josh. That's perfect. I love this. Wine shank in the middle. Josh is not only a freak fucking comedian, that's such a funny new minute that even I haven't seen before.

I wrote it last week and San Fran, thank you for letting me do that. Hell yeah. And a little fun fact that I did not mention during his massive introduction with so many credits is that he's also one of the main producers on this very show, Kill Tony.

He's been with us from the beginning, one of the backbones, doing a lot of the fucking grunt work, and his heart and his soul is into this show. He's been such a big fan and help all these years, but he doesn't get a lot of credit for it behind the scenes. and help all these years, but he doesn't get a lot of credit for it behind the scenes. So you Kill Tony fans have a lot to thank Josh Martin for,

whether you know it or not. And none of us would be doing this without all of you guys, so thank you to all of you. Fuck, yeah, look at that. He's like the good guy in wrestling. He makes it about the audience. It's about you guys, though. The fans.

Vote for me, 2020. He's trying to get his dick sucked. Hell, yeah. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket, huh? Hell yeah. Back to the bucket we go. What a great episode. It's a fucking, this might, I dare I say during the episode,

this might be our best fucking episode ever. Until this name was pulled. Yeah, exactly, right? Totally fucking over now. Make this name was pulled. Yeah, exactly, right? Totally fucking over now. Make some noise for Cor. It's a one-word name, everybody. Cor, C-O-R. Wow, he's right here.

Hello. Did you know that for the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could have somebody in the third world raise your child? All right. So there was this rabbi who had a weird thing for fish. He gefelte fish.

Right, but he had this more conservative friend, an Orthodox rabbi friend, who gefilte fish through a hole in a sheet. They were part of this interfaith group with this priest who gefilte an entire school of fish. Who gefelt an entire school of fish. It used to be that ugly girls on dating sites used to work the angles. You know? They take a picture from a certain angle, but now they all use filters.

Fuck yeah. Oh my goodness Alright Cor How's it going buddy? Get in that microphone Get all up in that fucking Dirty fucking mic Dude Michael Moore is funny dude

Hell yeah Cor That was interesting. A lot of gefilte fish jokes there. Let's go to our senior Jewish correspondent, Sarah Weinshank. Cor, I feel like you were talking a lot to us instead of to them. That's just my note. Yeah.

Yeah. I gefilte the same exact thing. I really liked your first joke. That was a funny take on the whole thing. What was it? What was that again? You know, like, you donate a cup of coffee. Oh, yeah.

Make this kid not die or whatever. Yeah, they raise your baby. You ship your baby out there and you give them a cup of coffee. It's very affordable. If you were to expand on that joke, even just a couple more tags, that's actually a legit bit. Yeah, I agree with Brian. Keep extending the gefilte fish thing for as long as you can.

Are you Jewish? I'm a Gentile. So a Nazi. That means not Jewish. Nazi. Really? I'm a Gentile. So a Nazi. That means not Jewish. Nazi. Really? I have no idea. Are you PC or are you Mac?

Good question. I'm going to make you answer that, Cora. Go ahead. Big Mac. I have a MacBook computer, but I have an Android phone. Wow. Why? It's not exactly PC, but I'm not all Mac, I'm saying.

PC means pussy catcher, dude. Corey, is that true? Do you get laid a lot? You seem like the kind of guy that... I get laid occasionally. Yeah? You have a girlfriend? I do, yes.

How long have you been with her? I've been seeing her for about four months. Where'd you meet her at? On the interwebs. Yeah, where at on the internet? On the OKCupid. OKCupid. Yeah, notthematch.com.

Why? Why do you say that? Why do you make a point to say notthematch.com? I just, you have them as a sponsor, I think, previously. Oh, yeah. It's actually way better than that one. Yeah, totally. Totally that one. Yeah. Totally.

Totally, yeah. Absolutely. Now I totally remember what you were talking about. I mean, yeah. I don't even want to talk about the place you just mentioned. You know what I mean? Is there anything different

about the girl that you've been seeing that was different from our original profile or like description no she was pretty pretty honest about who she now you didn't get the felt a cat fish I did not I knew when I said I knew the second I said that this may be our best episode ever.

It's just like my brain's just like, shut down everything. We've done our job here. But I did just come from her husband's birthday party. What? Get the fuck out of here. This is the Bay Area. Man, there's something fucking fishy going on over here. So you're the girl's side piece?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it, I'm jealous. He looks like a main course. Thank you. Hey. I love that. Cor is not the Cor guy. Whatever.

Let me just say, Cor, the bottom half of your outfit's like business casual, which I like. The top half is like hot topic-y. It's not consistent, but it's interesting nonetheless. I love that you think his bottom half is business casual. I know, what the fuck is that?

I would call that autistic. I'd say macaroni cheese. It's autistic casual is what I meant. Cora, what do you do for work? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fuck that. Hold on.

Yeah, you said that you're fucking a married lady, huh? Are you fucking a husband also? No, no. No? You're not? Like a husband also? No, no. No? You're not? Like the gimp? No, no. You're not fucking cucking it in the corner?

No. It's just, you know. Wait. This lady that's married, does she have three kids ages three to nine months? Are you the fucking, wait. And no teeth. Are you the 23 23 year old? And no teeth Do you tweak and freak?

On a good day Look at how fat I am I'm not always Are you a guy who's always on top Or always on the bottom? I mean shake it up man What are you talking about? Fucking shake and bake?

That's right. Do you fuck her at her place or does she go to your place? I mean, I'm not going to go into details and stuff about it. Why? What the fuck? You already said the biggest detail. She's married. What the hell?

Who cares where you're fucking? We know it's not in a phone booth or anything like that. There is fucking going on at places, yeah. What kind of places? Homes, hotels. So hotels. Has her husband ever been home while you've been doing it? No, but he is home sometimes when I come over to hang out.

It's not like a secret thing, you know? Of course. So you go over there, you hang out with them as like a friend of the couple, and he doesn't know that you're fucking his wife. No, he knows. Wait, what?

Woo! Kill Tony Mania 2018! Wow. Are they here tonight by any chance? I saw you get up from over here. Right back there. No, I'm just kidding. They're not here. They're not here.

Wow. I was really excited. I was going to make the three of you fall. They're at his birthday party right now. It's still going on right now. His birthday is right now. The party is. on right now. His birthday is right now. The party is. All right, we're all going, dude.

So they're at a birthday party right now, like right this second. At this moment. Do you think there's any chance we could call them on speakerphone and ask them a couple questions? Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Alright, if he actually does this, you have to be quiet. Don't laugh or anything. Hold it in.

Oh, he's fucking doing it. Put that right up to the bottom of that shitty Android and turn that volume up. Hey, this is a good Android. Turn it up and put it on speaker. Good Android. There's no such thing. I don't hear it ringing.

You have to put it up to it. Hang on. Come on. What are you doing, dude? Come on. Jeremiah's getting the info. Do you need any help with that? He knows how to use

it very well. You want to use my iPhone XS Max? Oh, I just got hard, dude. He's a poor signal right now. We're working on it. We'll give you the fucking Wi-Fi code for this, buddy. I have some questions for this kinky couple.

He has two unread Facebook Messenger messages as well. He's just calling a deli. Is that an option for OKCupid? Hold on, everybody quiet. Hi. You've reached Adrian. Whizzy Machine.

Okay. I saw the number. It's just a sex hotline Alright Alright Cora well we gave it our best effort Thanks for being so honest And cool Thank you I asked you

Did I ask you how long you've been doing stand up I did two open mics in the late 90s. Hell yeah. Your gefilte fish references are still holding up strong. There he goes. One more time for Cora, ladies and gentlemen. Wait. Hell yeah, dude.

Thank you. Two open mics in the late 90s? That was amazing. What's their last names? Amazing. Wow, that was fucking incredible. We almost talked to... That would have been great. Yeah, that would almost happen.

If it wasn't for that goddamn Android. We don't fuck him. He just cleans up. Yeah, we would have gotten to the truth. We would have gotten to the core of this whole story. That's his name, Core, remember? Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there?

That sounds lovely. Make some noise for Tim Walker, everybody. Here we fucking go. Tim Walker. Tim Walker, everybody. Here we fucking go. Tim Walker. Tim Walker.

Anybody see movement anywhere? We can have our first blacklisting of the night. Could happen. Do we have our first? Hold on. Hold on. I won't know if I don't find out. Did you guys see movement up there on that balcony at all? Nope.

Blacklisted. That's it. First blacklist. There up there on that balcony at all? Nope. Blacklisted. That's it. First blacklist. There's no Tim Walker. That's blacklisting. Back to the bucket we go. That just means somebody else has a chance. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kyder Bain.

Kyder Khan. Bainik. Fucking handwriting in this city is unbelievable. Because everyone texts us out here. If your name is Kaider, K-A-I-D-E-R. Wow. K-A-I-D-E-R or anything like that. Bape, Bain.

If your Twitter is Umar Khan. Double blacklisted. That's crazy. You're Umar Khan. Oh, wait, there he is. You're Umar Khan. Come, wait. There he is. You're Umar Khan. Come on up. Here he is.

I went to get to my first happy ending massage the other day. And I was driving over there. And I stopped to get gas so I go to the gas station and I was about to leave I see those rhino 9000 pills I was like yo you know what let me get my money's worth so I grab one of those and I get there and um I'm getting my massage I'm you know she's she's really working my butt and I didn't understand I was like yo we know this is a mutual you know you know what I'm here for you don't have to you know dig your thumb up into my ass all right we know what you know this is a mutual you know contract we know what we're here for so she does that all that stuff

and she turns me over and I'm you know obviously I got the fucking rhino 9000 running through me so um so she starts right away like she doesn't like she grabs a lotion it starts right away Like she grabs a lotion And starts right away And then she's holding my dick like a mic Right into my dick She's like, oh good boy, you're a good boy Oh, big cock, I like a big cock And I'm just like, what the I got the rhino going through me, I'm not gonna come

I'm just like, alright, go to town, honey Keep going, keep going I wanna hear the finish of this fucking... I'm just laying, I was like, you know what? I fucking gamed the system. I'm just laying back. I got my arm back like this. She's like looking at me like smiling like,

okay, hurry the fuck up. She keeps going and going and I was like, I'm chilling. The thing said no headaches. I'm, you know, I'm relaxed. I'm just chilling. She's just going to town. I mean, is there an ending coming? Is this a fucking, what is this, a Spielberg movie?

What's happening right now? Just fucking tell us the end. She switches hands like three times, and when I finally bust, she's like, ha, like she literally wiped her head of sweat because she was tired. That was the end? Wow. In my trouble. No, I mean, it was okay, dude. Is that a true story? She literally wiped her head of sweat because she was tired. That was the end? Wow. That's all I had. No, I mean, it was okay, dude.

Is that a true story? Yeah, it is. What ethnicity was the girl that was sucking your dick? She was white, actually. Really? No, she was Asian. No, it was handjob. Then why the Asian accent?

What ethnicity are you? Pakistani. What ethnicity are you? Pakistani. Man, Pakistani, dude. I thought he looked like a stoner, somebody who throws rocks at women in the Middle East. Wow, Pakistani.

That is incredible. So does hate flow through your veins? Incredible. Like, does hate flow through your veins? Honestly. When you came in the white girl's mouth, were you like, happy 9-11? I actually said, Allahu Akbar. He's a real Kamel Nanjiani. What? What's that mean?

It means no worries. Four. Red band. I'd rather hear about Coors' sex life than this. It's really weird for me because I've been very vocal about rhino boner pills for maybe the last five years. About going to massage parlors. The voice of a nation. And taking them.

And I have a whole bit about it. So it's really weird to see somebody doing that. Nobody else is allowed to talk about boner pills in the universe. When you mention the exact brand of boner pills that I've been talking about for five years. The most popular brand of boner pills? It's not. But what I thought was weird about it

is that you kept on mentioning the brand of boner pill but had nothing to do with the joke. Are you sponsored by Rhino? Let me ask you something. Instead of using Boner Pills or anything like that, have you ever thought about rubbing some CBD on it? Because right now

you use the code TONY15 and you get 15% off any purchase. InfiniteCBD.com. That's I-N-F-I-N-I-T-E-C-B-D.com. Question for you. Do you have to go to massage parlors? No. You're a good-looking guy compared to all the guys we had on the show tonight.

Yeah, it's true. You might be the best-looking guy on the show. And you have the most teeth out of anybody that we've had on tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up, buddy? This is my fourth time. Fourth time ever. That's fucking cool. We're popping a lot of interesting cherries here tonight because I consider this still.

If I could say something, Brian, honestly, I haven't heard that bit. No, no, I mean, I'm just saying. Wow, you guys are like two rhinos facing off right now. If I were to ask, though, what is your favorite rhino number? Which number? All right, this is getting absolutely insane. I know. Because I've tasted them all, and I could tell if he's had them or not.

That's true. If he says the wrong number. I can attest. Brian has tasted all the boners. I've never taken... Only 75% of them are good. There's Rhinoceronte. There's Double

Rhino. So you've never had them? I've never had those ones, no. He's never even had rhinos. Oh, wow. I've never seen a Pakistani buckle under questioning without a wet towel over his face before. It's in Britain, yeah!

Damn, dude. You fucking broke. You broke just then. By the way, let's get Rhino 7. All right, all right. We get it. Rhino, Rhino, Rhino, Rhino. Boner, boner, boner, boner.

Pee, pee, poop, poop. Let's keep it moving. I thought this guy was Ronda Rousey's boxing coach. We get it. Rhino, rhino, rhino, rhino. Boner, boner, boner, boner. Pee, pee, poop, poop. Let's keep it moving on. I thought this guy was Ronda Rousey's boxing coach. Head movement. Head movement. Come on, champ. I forgot how fucking great that is. It's one of the greatest comedy things to ever happen

accidentally that wasn't ever really supposed to be hilarious. Ronda Rousey's coach telling her to move her head while it's getting punched and kicked relentlessly. Head movement, head movement. Yeah, why'd you do that? Greatest shit ever. So much better than most specials on Netflix today.

Other than Joe Rogan's. See, now it's weird. See, Netflix has such a fucking leverage hold that now it's like, oh, but we have your friends, too. Can't make fun of our specials. And then that was a pile of fucking. Anyway, so let's keep it moving along. I don't have any animosity towards Netflix at all right now.

They're just buying up straight white males that aren't completely famous yet. Anyway, let's keep it moving along here. Let's talk about you. What do you do for work? I was driving Lyft and Uber while I was still in work. Oh, very Pakistani. And now what do you do? And now you drive a taxi? No, I work

at a tobacco store. Oh, wow. You have covered. That is the Pakistani trifecta, my friend. Wow. Tony, wow. You have covered. That is the Pakistani trifecta, my friend. Tony, it's pronounced hookah. Man, that is incredible. I fucking love it, man. How old are you? 24. 24. Well, let me tell you something, dude. You're out there.

You're fucking living your life. You know, I mean, it sucks that you lied about taking a boner pill or whatever. You know what I mean? Be more honest, dude. You didn't even really have anything that you were getting at. you lied about taking a boner pill or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, be more honest, dude. You didn't even really have anything that you were getting at. You're just talking about, you know, boner pill and getting your dick sucked or having a hard time. And let me tell you something. Talk about your fucking real life.

Like, you are Pakistani, dude. You're 24 and you already have the balls to sign up for a show like this. You know, most of these people don't even realize that they even have the balls or want to do something like this until their early 30s, late 30s. I mean, look at Core. What are you, 41? What are you? 43.

Look at that fucking shit. Price is right. I would have ganked that shit. Wait. My point is, it's like, you know, dude, you're 24. Get better at it. Do more. Fucking when you're at the tobacco store.

Other than once your shit's already stocked or whatever the fuck you Pakistanis do, sit down and fucking write some jokes. You know what I mean? Do your work there. Do it when you wake up. Do it when you're fucking squeezing into those pants. Those are some tight pants, dude. Jesus Christ.

I was waiting for that to come. I know for a fact that that is the new iPhone in your pocket. It is unbelievable. Look at that fucking thing. He's dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda. I mean, it's an aggressive move to wear that tight of a pant and then talk about getting a happy ending and then the whole thing, man.

It was a lot, man. Yeah. Are all your pants that tight? Do you wear the Adia's track pants sometimes? Usually, yeah. You're dressed like you got adopted by Brendan Schaub as a child. I had a feeling that reference would work in this room. You got that right on the head.

Alright, we gotta keep flying through. There he goes, everybody. I lost that name. Give me that. One more time for Umar Khan. Fuck yeah. There you go, buddy. I'm waiting for him

to pull a string and just blow up or something like that. Fuck yeah, that would have been crazy. Kill Tony Mania. Kill Tony Mania 2018, baby. We only have enough time to go to the bucket one more time, so shall we, ladies and gentlemen? This is it. Ichabod's bucket of destiny will decide our final comedian of the night. And that comedian's name is Rachel D.

Rachel D. Sounds familiar. Rachel D. Here we go. Hey, there she is, Rachel D. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I just had a birthday.

Hey. Hey. You know, I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I think the only person who should be getting a present on your birthday is your mom. You know, like, here, Mom, sorry for wrecking your vagina. You know, like, maybe here's a male stripper, he'll wreck it better.

I know, I'm trying to talk my kid into that one. Yeah. You know, now I just had a birthday, and people are telling me now that I should focus on my career, you know, and stop dating married guys. Parent my kid, you know? It's a little much, a little much.

Like, especially because that's like some 30-year-old shit. And I'm 41, bitches, you know? Yeah, at this point I'm just hoping that Benjamin Button was based on a true story. Yeah. 40

is a trip, guys. I was listening to some 30-something-year-olds talk about how their sex drive was taking a bit of a nosedive. 40 is a trip guys I was listening to some 30 something year olds talk about how their sex drive was taking a bit of a nose dive and I was just thinking just wait because when you're 40

you're horny all the fucking time like all the time guys it's like I have an 18 year old boy inside me I'd like an 18 yearyear-old boy inside me. I know, that's horrible. Here you go. Rachel D., is that true that you're horny all the time? It's horrible, yeah.

Really? I know, yeah. Wow. Want some rhinos? Did you hear the joke earlier? Yeah, it looks like the rhino's going to attack the cougar here tonight, huh? Did you hear the joke earlier? Somebody had like the exact same joke on stage.

No, I didn't. No. What was the joke? What was the joke? The whole baby coming out. Like the three babies. The one girl that had the three babies said kind of the same thing. I don't know.

Question for you. Why are you wearing Umar's pants? So, Rachel, have you been on this show before? Yeah. How do I know you? You've done the one at the Punchline? No, Comedy Store. Oh, okay.

How long ago was that? A month ago. About a month ago. Okay, back when you were in your 30s. Yeah. So how'd that go? It was fun. I liked it, yeah.

What did we find out about you? Remind us a little bit of what we talked about, any of the highlights. I'm a high school teacher. Oh. What? There you go. Not a counselor. You're a horny fucking teacher.

Yeah. So you teach high school. Yeah, I do. And you just said you want an 18 year old boy inside of you. You know what? You're one of the girls. I actually know an 18 year old boy and he and his name is Josh Martin, and he would happily fuck you. It's going to be the most fun four and a half seconds of your life.

Wait, sorry, he just came. It's over. What's happening? So Rachel hit, man, my goodness. If I asked you if you've ever hooked up with one of your high school students, you probably wouldn't tell the truth, right? No. What if we ask her, but she has to get really close so we can look really close into her eyes?

No. I teach not an all-girls school, actually. Oh, well, there you go. That's even sexier. My hard drive... Are you coming from your boyfriend's birthday? I got it.

Check, check. Do it again. I'll have to revisit this moment in a second while I collect myself. Proceed. Okay, Rachel. Proceed Okay Rachel So who's the What's the oldest guy you've ever hooked up with? 57

Gross Man Why'd you do that? How much money did he have? Lots Is 57 the number on the ketchup bottle? Yeah I think so Okay

Did you fuck a ketchup bottle? Rachel, what class do you teach at high school? I teach history and English What grade? Please say senior. Sophomores. All right. Okay.

And did they flirt with you a lot? Like what's the craziest thing a student's ever said to you in front of the class? She teaches an all-girls school, right? Yeah. I used to teach at a public school, though, a public school. I had – Oh, it's an all – Yeah.

I got asked to prom once by one of my senior students. Did you go? As a chaperone, but no, not as a date. So you got asked by a girl to prom? No, no. That was when I was teaching co-ed.

Yeah, like 10 years ago. Did he only have one tooth? I'm pretty sure he had all his teeth, yeah. Rachel, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since January. All right. Well, that's fucking fun. How cool is that?

And you're having fun with it? Yeah. Yeah, I like it. A lot of comedians hit on you a lot? Yes. And does that work out pretty successfully for them? No. No?

You're not into comedians. You're into fucking just young, innocent boys. What's the biggest hard drive you've ever seen? Yeah. Maybe something like 350 gigity-gigity-gigity bytes. Nice. Giggity, giggity, giggity bites. I told you he said it, dude.

Legend. I think that was a great set for only doing it since January. Yeah, wow. Somebody's going to fuck her tonight. Look at that. Yeah, it's one of those high school students. I see him working on his homework back there. Alright, well

that's fucking fun. Yeah, I mean, it's great. It's one of those things where just like I was telling the 24-year-old earlier, look, dude, you got it. You got the balls to do this. Good for you. You can do anything. 41, and like you, you seem so young and vibrant you have a great

attitude and you're positive and you're up here smiling and you're being honest with the questions and you know a lot of people just like they can start at 24 or like you know 14 or 15 like chapelle and uh you know eddie murphy and things like that some people you know you start later and they fucking get great late. And if they have fun doing it, then it's all about you. This is your life and I'm happy that you found it. And that's fucking awesome that you sign up for this show and you have the balls to come up here and field these kinds of questions. There she is, your final comedian of the night, Rachel Rachel D. But it might be your final comedian of the night,

but I don't necessarily think we should just end it there, right? I think there's one more thing we should do to bring it home tonight, to sing us a little song. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a Kill Tony icon, one of your favorite humans on the planet. It is the one and the only, the real, in the flesh, Aphrodite. All the way from Los Angeles, California. Yeah. Hey, y'all. I just had a birthday, too. One, two. One, two.

You're good. 41. It's gone. It's not at the end. It's 41. It's the one, right? Yeah. All right, as usual, Red Band.

I love you guys. I'm actually tired of this young mother. The fact is I'm 63. Okay, here we go. I left my mother. I left my man. Oh, yeah. In San Francisco.

Come on, rock with me. High on a hill, yeah. Oh, yeah. He calls to me. Oh yeah, to see those little cable cars. Yeah, yeah, climb halfway to the stars That morning fall In my children I don't give a fuck, I don't care

My love wasted Yeah, yeah My love wasted. Yeah, yeah. In San Francisco. Yeah, yeah. Above the blue, baby. Oh, yeah. And when they see. Oh. yeah. And when they see. Oh, oh, yeah.

When I come home to you. Oh, my darling San Francisco. Oh, my darling San Francisco. Your golden sun is gonna shine on me. Love you San Francisco. Yeah! Francisco Yeah Aphrodite Thank you Love you Come on 63 fucking years old

Her birthday's this week She came all the way up with us from Los Angeles It's the great Aphrodite And that ladies and gentlemen Is Kill Tony Mania Sarah Weinshank And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Kill Tony Mania! Yeah! Sarah Weinshank, Mikey McKernan, Josh Martin. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins?

Chroma Chris, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for the one and only Joel Berg. Look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt himself, tonight's very own print. This is episode 301. How about one more time for the one and only Brian Redman. I had so fucking much fun tonight with you guys. This is the first time we've ever done anything like this and you guys showed us so much love by coming out in the fucking droves.

800 fucking tickets for this crazy shit that not only is it an iconic night for all of us but it's going to, you guys actually helped us out a lot, taking this show to a whole nother level. And it's you, San Francisco, truly. I'm not pulling a Josh Martin here and just kissing your ass.

This show, these shows tonight meant the fucking world to us. So thank you from the bottom of our cold, icy black hearts. Thank you. Good night. See ya. Thank you. Thank you. you