KILL TONY - KILL TONY #303

Episode Date: October 26, 2018

Dom Irrera, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 10/22/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you were listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv There you have all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows

and you can click on tour dates. Not only are we at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California every Monday at 8 o'clock in the main room but we are on tour dates. Not only are we at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, every Monday at 8 o'clock in the main room, but we are on the road. We are coming to Swansea, Massachusetts. And then we're going on this huge Texas tour. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Fort Worth. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the info.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and you have a bunch of Death Squad merch that's just released, like a new Death Squad hat and shirt, and we got new stickers and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah! We made it! Guys, you're here. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise. Brian Red you're here. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise. Brian Redband is here. Ryan J. Ebelts sitting right there, beginning to draw tonight's episode. He hasn't even opened the sketchbook yet. He's taking the caps off of markers and pens. The magic has begun. I have a bucket filled with human beings' names, and life is good. We're streaming all over YouTube. So hello to the world.

Pretty exciting, right? Yeah. You guys pumped to be here? Yeah. For those of you watching or listening to the YouTube stream or the podcast, some great news for you if you live out on the East Coast. We're in Swansea, Massachusetts on November 9th. That is a huge show at a beautiful, amazing venue

called Venus de Milo. It's right outside of Providence, about an hour away from Boston. And we know these East Coast people. They drive from very far away. A bunch of amazing, loyal, incredible fans that we have. So we're going to have a real, like it's a luxurious place. It's like a turnaround with like like, fountains and shit.

I used to drive 12 hours to see Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan because they would never come to Columbus, Ohio. I used to do that. I'm sure, what, an hour drive? I mean, we meet these people everywhere. There's people, you know, when we were in Toronto, San Francisco, people travel so far and it's so fun. Anyway, so Swansea, November 9th.

San Antonio, Texas. You have a Kill Tony and a stand-up show November 13th. Same with Austin at Cap City on November 14th. Houston, Texas on the 15th at our favorite place, The Secret Group. I believe this is our fifth

or sixth Kill Tony at The Secret Group. I think Houston has had more Kill Tonys than any other city. Yeah. And then the next two days after that,

we're in Fort Worth, Texas doing stand-up comedy. Four shows at Hyena's and one Kill Tony on that Saturday evening in Fort Worth, Texas. November 29th, 30th, and December 1st, I'm in Baltimore, Maryland at a place called Magoobie's Joke House. That is not a joke. I'm doing Magoobie's Joke House. Thank you. Magoobies Joke House.

Thank you. And then New Year's Eve has me all to themselves. Dallas, Texas. Just Tony Hinchcliffe bringing in 2019. That's going to be a lot of fun. They got me. Hey, we mentioned a couple weeks ago the hunt for the Kill Tony intern. And we had

massive responses. And a fun thing that we figured we would do to sort of open up the thing is just make videos. Send in fun little videos. Maybe it's the best of Red Band sound effects. Maybe it's Jeremiah's wacky characters. Yeah, make real highlight videos of Kill Tony. Let's see your editing.

Let's see if you could actually do something fun for us and help out the show. And if video editing or whatever isn't your thing, find a friend to manipulate into helping do that for you. Yeah. You want to be a fucking Kill Tony intern, this is some house of cards shit over here, bro. You got to be able to fucking make people do shit.

Yeah. And maybe show a video of you just plugging in wires and it working. And let's see if that happens. Maybe it's a highlight reel of Joel Berg. Maybe it's heartfelt. Maybe it's funny. You know Joel Berg. Maybe it's heartfelt. Maybe it's funny. Have your own fucking vision and

tag us in it. Send it around. Make shit. Be a goddamn artist. That's what we do here. We contribute to art. That's why we have the great Ryan J. E. Belt who's drawing tonight's episode. All of his prints are available. RyanJEbelt.com He sold out of those amazing San Francisco prints. It was so cool to

have him up there personally and have him doing that. Get the Kill Tony book. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. Everything's cool. Everything's funny. You know what's not funny? The fact that 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35.

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Money in the bank. It's time to bring out tonight's guest. If you're a fan of this show, then you are a lucky motherfucker because this man is our favorite guest. He's one of the best comedians in the world. He's one of the best guests in Kill Tony history. I give you the great Dom Irera. Yeah.

Hell yeah. There he is, the motherfucking man himself. Thank you. Dom Irera is back. He was on the five-year anniversary show with the great Joe Rogan. We had so much fun. The guy with the podcast? Yeah.

He's terrific, that kid. Go see him. At domirera.com, you can get tickets to see him live. He's in Vegas in November and Philly Helium at Thanksgiving and Long Island the week before that. So go see the fucking man himself, Don Myrera. Those are shows that I would literally pay to see.

I'm not saying I'm good, but if I ain't good by now, it ain't gonna happen. It's actually kind of amazing that you're here because it's football season and usually you're watching football games on a Monday night. I wanted to do one during the season. I love it. I miss you guys. Yeah. Needs to do one during the season. I love it. I love it.

I miss you guys. Yeah. Needs to get his Kiltonie fix. To little people. Stay sharp. I fucking love it, man. Well, we're going to have fun tonight. We're going to meet a bunch of new comedians and maybe some people that we've met before. But before we get to that, there's a band on the show.

You know that, Dom. They're still part of the whole thing. I thought they branched off to another show. No, they're still here. Every single week they commit to their characters. I never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's been billionaires. Maybe they're nerds. Last week they were

woodland creatures and they stay in character throughout the entire episode of the show. Let's find out what they are this week. I present to you the best damn band in the land, guys. It's the actual Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. This is going to be interesting. No way. Oh, wow. I'm so excited about this. Wow, I'm so excited about this. This is our first time.

It has my name on the cup. It's baristas. Wow, thank you. This actually feels like hot coffee. It is. Oh, my God. This is amazing. They are full-blown Starbucks baristas, everybody.

Wow. This is a first. This is incredible. How's it going, Aubrey? I see a name tag that says Aubrey. Yes, my name is Aubrey. I am a man. This is unbelievable.

Wow, you guys must have come straight from the shop, huh? Straight from my shift. I've been an ASM for the last 13 years. Am I a little bit bitter that I've been promoted to manager? A little bit, but we're still taking it. Wow. Starbucks barista Jeremiah Watkins is Aubrey tonight. Chroma Chris didn't even bother putting on anything for this role. Oh, you got the apron on.

I got you. There he is, Chroma Chris. Maybe we'll check in with him later. And then back here we have this guy that appears like he has hours before he gets fired from Starbucks. Oswaldo, his name tag says. Oswaldo Hernandez reporting for duty, Tony. His name is Oswaldo and he is on Ben Ice. Yes.

I love that you, Oswaldo, I love that you slightly more Mexican-ed up your name than it already was. I mean, you could have just been Joel Jimenez. That's how I throw people off. You go super Mexican, then they don't suspect anything. Let's not use that language, okay? All right, well, we have real baristas with us. Dom, what do you think about this?

Is your character a person who squints? I'm just trying to be happy and goodbye, okay? What the fuck? What the fuck's with the squint? It looks like this tall blonde isn't the only thing you've ordered tonight. All right.

We're going to let you, hopefully you guys have more coffee jokes. It's already been a latte, you know. Oh, Brian Redman. What are you doing over there? All right. Ease that down. That's a third of our jokes for the night. Okay.

Sound a little weird in here. Does it sound weird? A little bit crackly and janky? Is it weird? Toot, toot, toot. Ba, ba, ba, ba. Ba, ba, ba, boo. It seems like we're like...

All right. Well, let's keep trying to find it. That sounds better already. All right, we got baristas. We got the great Dom Irer. Are you guys ready to do this shit? I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. I put my hand in a bucket.

That means you get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. It's a little baby bear tonight, huh? Really, not much volume going on here at the Comedy Sort.

It's weird. Same speakers as every other week. If you increase the volume, you might get a grande. I didn't really get that one. Going from a tall to a grande you're increasing volume. It goes from 8 ounces to 16 ounces. There you go.

Gotcha. Gotcha. The volume in the cup. I would have said venti but I gotcha. Alright. I pulled the name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then you get interviewed by me, Dom, Red Van, and a bunch of baristas. And your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Beau Babier. Beau Babier.

You are the first person pulled out of the bucket on Kill Tony. He's got a steady pace coming from the back. Walking slow. He's walking real slow. Keep coming, Bo. Believe it's his first time on the show. Make some noise for Bo Babier. How are you guys doing tonight?

Awesome. Contrary to what some of you guys doing tonight? Awesome. Contrary to what some of you guys might think, I don't really get laid a whole lot. And I kind of found this out because of the fact that I'm Mexican. And I kind of know that too, because Mexicans don't really have a lot of cool things about them. I mean, we have like no cool stereotypes at all. I mean, okay, we have one stereotype that we work really hard.

Let me put it this way. If there was an Olympic sport for stereotypes, this is kind of how it would go. You would get the gold medal for black people with big dicks and super athletic, unless of course it's a swimming contest. That'd be different. And then white people with white privilege get the silver medal, because, I mean, everybody wants a leg up in society nowadays, right? And then Asians would obviously get the bronze medal, because everybody wants to be really smart.

And then Mexicans, they'd be like, Mexicans, we'll give you honorable mention because you work really hard. All right. we'll give you honorable mention because you work really hard alright wow that was the longest setup I've ever heard I know you're a time traveler Beau Babier so this is your first time on the show right

you've extended a what appears to be a two week streak of of this show being kick-started with needless racism. Last week we had a young Mexican man. Oh, shit, the Apollo 13 is here. Yes. There's only a few of them tonight, but I fucking love it. That's our little... The rest are hiding.

They keep the racists in check in this room. Oh, shit. Aphrodite, have you joined the Apollo 13? Wow, look at that. That's a blockbuster deal. New member alert. It's like LeBron becoming a Laker. Aphrodite has joined the Apollo 13.

Well, Tony, her afro is the moon that they're going to. There you go. That's one, Joel Berg. Nine more of those. For those of you that don't know, Joel Berg has to get a full body tattoo of my body on his body. Nine more.

So Bo, Bobby A, keep the mic. We're going to talk to you. Yeah. He was just yawning. Bo was? Really? Yeah, I've been awake for a while. Oh, why? Why have you been awake?

Because I woke up really early to get here because I drove. Sorry. To drive. Where did you drive? A car. You want to play these fucking games with me? Calm down. I'm just joking, dude.

I'm just joking. So. I'm just joking. So why were you driving a car early is the question that I asked you that anybody else would have answered normally. What were you doing driving that early? Is that what you do for work? No, it's a long drive here. I'm from Arizona. You drove here

from Arizona today? Yeah. Wow, that's fucking incredible. Alright. For this? For the opportunity to be on this show, did you sign up for potluck too? Yeah. That's incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? How many times have I done it,

or would you say how long from the beginning? How about anything, dude? Answer any of the questions. Answer any of the things you think I might have been. This is a real live interview right now. I don't know what parts you think are getting edited out of this, but none of it is. None of it.

This is my fourth time doing it, second time sober. Oh, yes. Aubrey, the barista. Yes, after watching your stand-up set, I would like to offer you a full-time position at Starbucks. Sabo, you've only done it a few times. The first couple times you were really drunk? Yeah, I was pretty drunk.

Is that your thing of choice when you say sober? Is that what you're talking about, drinking? Or like other drugs? No, I don't do drugs. Okay. You say you don't do drugs like you do all the drugs. I wish I could handle it mentally, but I can't.

Tony, you think a man could be this sharp and do drugs? But when you said that when you referred to getting laid, were you talking about women or men? Both. For those of you listening to the podcast that aren't watching, Bo sort of has like a, you're like a jacked dude, right? You work out, but you have like this super nice guy head, right? Like your head does not match the body that it's on at all.

Like you have the, your head doesn't look like it goes to the gym at all. You look like Mario Lopez's. That's not the first time I've heard that. Your head has a future at Starbucks. Your body has a future at Coffee Bean. It's true. They're more ripped over at Coffee Bean. So you work out a lot, huh, Bo?

Not really. Oh, you want a lot, huh, Bo? Not really. Oh, you want to do this again, huh? Oh, you just woke up like that, huh? Your muscle just must work out when you're just sleeping or something, Bo. 30 minutes a day. I just fucking sleep lift, dude. You know what I mean? I don't really do anything.

It's my fucking internal muscle memory literally and metaphorically all right this guy's like mario slopez wow cleanse the palate pure joelberg uh so bo let's talk about it man so you drove here today i fucking love that Pallet. Pure Joelberg. So, Bo, let's talk about it, man. So, you drove here today. I fucking love that. You know, that deserves a fucking another hand one more time.

It's a fucking six-hour powerful drive. I'm glad that you got up. It's fucking, I'm glad that we can make it worth your while. You got to drive back tonight? Yeah. All right. What do you do for work? I work in sales.

What are you selling? TV. TV? What is this? Out of the back of your SUV or something like that? One time only? I promise you it works, dude. $400 right now. I can't go any lower. You also sell your own people out, dude. You did

throw a lot of Mexicans under the bus, which is actually easy to do in Los Angeles. Do you hate being Mexican? No, I just feel like we don't have any cool stereotypes like everybody else. How dare you, dude. Joel. Fucking look at me, dude.

Oswaldo. Oswaldo. There's some good Mexican stereotypes, right? Why don't you rattle a few off? Yeah, dude, I play drums. Huge dick, dude. Fucking. Wait.

I've never heard that. I've never heard that Mexicans have huge dicks. All the Mexican guys are laughing in the audience right now. Cracking up. That's not a thing at all, Joel Burr. It is with this guy right here. Yeah, right. I've seen you use a fucking, I've seen you use a fucking I've seen you use a

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. You've never seen it fall off though, did you? Is this a sock joke, Tony? It was going to be a sock joke, yes. What do they call the fucking little ones? Can't remember. Think about it. Get me back later. Oh, Jesus.

I'm getting attacked by Mexicans. Not Jesus. Jesus. I'm getting attacked by Mexicans. Not Jesus. Jesus. So, Bo, what are some things about your life that make you different? I can tell that there's a little killer's edge in there somewhere. There's a little fucking devil in there. But you're a nice guy, but you're not. But you're pretending like you are. Do you have a drinking problem? I wish you are. You have a drinking problem?

I wish. You wish you had a drinking problem? Alcoholics have superpowers, man. I can't handle hangovers. I couldn't do that every day. You know what? I just got word you reached Joel Berg's 10 bad joke streak. You're the first person to do it, so you have to get a tattoo

right now on stage. Are you ready? I have a tattoo on my ass. Do you really? Yes, I do. What is it? A long, racist, needless, punchline-less joke? No, it's a rubber duck. It's what? A rubber duck. You have a rubber duck on your ass? On my ass.

Yeah? How did you end up with that? I lost the bet. What was the bet? The bet was, uh, you ever heard of... Oh, what the fuck is it called? Dude, are you hiding from ice? Why are you speaking so low? La migras, la migras.

That reminds me, refill the ice, please, Joe. Okay. How old are you, Bo? 24. You said that you don't get laid a lot. And that that would be surprising to us. Trust me, a lot of people say that. A lot of people think that by your appearance that you get laid a lot? Yeah, unfortunately.

Really? Where are these people that think you would get laid a lot? People that you haven't talked to yet? Antarctica. Long ways away. I mean, with confidence like that, I don't get it, you know. But what are you good at? You have any special skills or talents?

Are you good at, like, darts or something like that? They call me the Bowflex. You guys ever heard of, like, pin the tail? Wait, hold on a second. Hold on. Hold on a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just. What just happened? Wait, what? Chroma Chris. That was Chroma Chris. For those of you listening to the podcast. What did you say?

Said it looks like maybe he has a nickname, the Bowflex. Okay. Do they call you the Bowflex? Oh, your name's Bow. Oh, all name's Bo. Wow. Very impressive. Very impressive.

Chroma Crest. Wake up and smell the coffee, Tony. Cheese it. Wow. What was your answer? I forgot the question. Special skills or talents? Anything that you're really good at? Pin the tail on the donkey.

Oh, God. I don't know. Come on. Obviously it's not stand-up comedy. I mean, dude, just anything you're good at? Oh, no, I'm not that cocky of a person, so I don't really know. Do you see what you're doing? I'm giving you a way out.

Just say anything. Give me something to say, man. Bo, who encouraged you? Who said, Bo, you got to get up on stage? You are fucking hilarious. Who said that? Life's too short not to take chances. Life's too short, but your drive tonight is long, my friend.

A long drive back to Arizona. A lot of sleep, too. Well, Bo, I mean, you took a chance. You know, you went really racist. You threw yourself and your own race, you know, under the bus. It was, you know, I mean, someone had to go first tonight. Someone had to get pulled out of the bucket. How do you feel it went for you?

I mean, it's only your fourth time on stage. This is a fucking victory no matter what. But how do you feel it went for you? I mean, it's only your fourth time on stage. This is a fucking victory no matter what. But how do you feel? I'm just honestly happy I actually got to come up here. I just talked to somebody who's been waiting for like five months and they ain't gonna come up here, so. There you go.

I got two words for you, Bo. Punchline. Punchline. And you got to hear it from one of the greats. Hopefully we made it worth your drive. There he goes. Bo Babier, everybody. His first time on Kill Tony. I asked him if he works out.

He said, not really. I mean, nothing in that entire interview did he give me anything the entire time. How long have you been doing it? Well, you mean how many times or how many years? The answer's four. Four times. It's like just, what? What?

He was a nice guy. Very nice guy. Good driver. Drove all the way. Why didn't you give him what to say, though, Tony? I wanted you to give him what to say. That would have been funny. Yeah,

but that's the point, is that it would have been funny. He was on a fucking 13-answer bad streak. I don't want to break that for him. I also don't think we should have given him credit for driving. I mean, the car did all the heavy lifting and that. He didn't really do much. Number

two. There we go. Schoberg's frozen up. I just gotta say, I picture him in the car going, I nailed that motherfucker. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Lindsey Green. Lindsey Green. Lindsey Green.

comedian Lindsey Green. Lindsey Green. Lindsey Green. We have a blacklist. Lindsey. Lindsey. Lindsey. Lindsey signed up before the show and then missed her spot.

All right. Here we go. Dariq Santos. Dariq. Whoa, from the lucky corner. For those of you that have trouble getting on the show, sit farthest possible away. It usually works

out. Here we go. One more time for Dariq Santos. You guys, so I always rub one out before I leave the house. So that way I last longer when I rub one out on the bus. Excuse me, driver, this is where I get off, right here. I wear diapers, I'll tell you about it. I wear diapers. I only wear diapers for two reasons, number one and number two.

I got into a fight with my mom earlier today. She was like, Derek, you've got to get your ducks in a row and get a girlfriend. So I was like, how the fuck do you know about my ducks? How do you know I make love to those ducks? How do you know I do that? A lot of people say that I have my dad's body, but I say I've been acquitted of all charges. I don't have any kids,

but I haven't checked my trap yet today, right? Okay, there you go. Dereek Santos. Wow. Boom. We just got word Beau Babier has killed himself. That's how that goes.

Right when you think it's hard to be funny in 60 seconds, Dereek comes up here and fucking lays it down.. Sorry, bud. Right when you think it's hard to be funny in 60 seconds, Dorit comes up here and fucking lays it down. Awesome performance, dude. Thank you. You've been doing stand-up a little while? Six years. And you're from San Francisco?

No, I'm from Rhode Island. Rhode Island? Get the fuck out of here. Providence? Comedy Connection? Yeah, Providence, yeah. Those are my guys over there. Cody and...

A couple people, Rob, maybe. Anyway, we're going to be right outside of Prov and a couple people, Rob. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to be right outside of Providence in Swansea, Massachusetts. I know. I live really close to there. You live here now? I'm moving on Wednesday. You're moving? Back home. Why? I didn't make it.

What? That is the saddest part of the movie. What does that mean? I feel like I'm in an improv class right now. It's the truth. Oh, there's always a home for you at Starbucks. Thank you. What do you mean?

How long have you been out here? Eight months. Eight months. And you're like, if I don't make it in eight months, I'm going back to fucking Providence. Yeah, I've had like three jobs and they haven't worked out. I'll hire you. You'll hire me? What do you do?

Well, nothing really, but I worked at it. I was a doggy daycare person across the street at the Camp Sunset. You took care of kids? Dogs. Oh, perfect. Thank God. Thank God. No children. You took care of kids? Dogs. Oh, perfect. Thank God. No children. Were you good at that? Were you good at taking care of dogs?

I got bit by a dog and then I quit. Yeah, you seem very jittery. You seem like you'd be pretty bad around dogs. Oh, no, boy. There you go. Who did let the dog? Did you ever let the dogs out? One dog ran out of... Wow!

See, that makes you bad at that job then. No, no, no. He became a bounty hunter. Don't worry. Snuck out. That's three, Joel Berg. We all heard that dog the bounty hunter joke. Yeah.

Oh, now they laugh. So, wow. You're really moving back on Wednesday. That's your plan? What are you going to do for work out there? I don't know. Where are you going to live? I don't know.

You really don't know? Maybe I'll try to move in with my parents if they'll let me. Your parents cool? Yeah, they're all right. What do they do? My dad's a machinist. They do peewee. My mom is also a machinist.

Come on, Is that true? Really? Yeah, well my mom's an inspector She inspects machine parts Wow No wonder you're so full of life Yeah Man, Dariq

This is really interesting So for eight months You came out, you saved some money Before coming out here Yeah, like a thousand dollars eight months, you came out, you saved some money before coming out here? Yeah, like a thousand dollars and then I just came out. What the fuck are you leaving for? You're set for life. I don't believe this guy. One of my favorite things is when

somebody says something that is making fun of themselves to watch all these comedians just hatefully laugh in their faces. And I look out and I see Aphrodite in slow motion. Ha ha ha ha ha. Unbelievable.

So you thought $1,000 was going to fucking do it, huh? You're like, $1,000, eight months, here we go, show business. Pew pew pew pew pew. We got this shit. You've been doing a lot of stand-up since you've been here? Yeah, a decent amount. You're so funny. I mean, that minute was hilarious.

How many minutes do you think that are about that funny that you have? That funny? I can do like 45 minutes, but maybe 25 is funny. But I miss. Yeah. So, I mean, that's really interesting. Did you have any fun while you were here? Did you do fun things when you were in Los Angeles?

Not really. I couldn't afford to do anything, really. You couldn't afford to do anything. So, like, what is the most fun thing that you did? Probably this. Not to sound lame. Other than this. Not counting this.

I went to the Museum of Death. Oh, cool. It was really fun. Hell yeah. Yeah, it was. No, I love that. Did they try and keep you? No.

They let me loose. I love it. So, Dariq, this is interesting. Did you fall in love while you were in Los Angeles at all? Yeah, once. You did? Yeah, once. Did you get your heart broken? Uh-huh.

Yeah. How long ago did that happen? About three, five weeks Uh-huh. Yeah. How long ago did that happen? About three, five weeks ago? Yeah. Yeah. See, this is going to be an interesting part of this show because I'm going to immediately right now tell you, you can't go back to Rhode Island.

Really? Yeah, you can't do it. You can't do it. You cannot do it. Whoever this female comedian, is a female comedian? No, she's an actress. She wants to be an actress.

Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Yes, you're damn right. Let me tell you something. You have an actual trait. You have a real ability. We meet people all the time on this show and you seem really funny. It seems like this is what you love

to do. I love Providence, Rhode Island. I love the comedy connection. It used to be a fucking bank and the green room is an actual bank vault at the old school 30s, 40s vault with a fucking heavy door. It's crazy. It's a beautiful club. But you don't want to go back

there and fucking rot away. It's crazy. It's a beautiful club. But you don't want to go back there and fucking rot away. No. So that's why we're going to give you three months living on Red Band's couch. All right. How much money do you have left? Negative 384.

Wow. So you took her to dinner, huh? Yeah. Where's she at tonight? Is she here? No. The girl that broke his heart three to five weeks ago? No, she's not here tonight.

She couldn't be here tonight. Where do you think that relationship went wrong? When the check came. Does she have a job? What does she do for work? She works for like a startup. She works for a startup. Wow, you never even took the time to...

Oh, thank you. Wow, great service here. You never even took the time to really ask her what she does for work. You were just all about the pussy, weren't you, Derek? I guess we're getting to the bottom of this right now. Language, language. Perhaps, was the sex rough? Took you too long to get your skinny jeans off?

No, I don't have sex anymore. I just masturbate, you know? So that way, like, only one person gets disappointed. There you go. Another one. And you know I'm talking about Jesus. Boom. See that?

See that, Beau Bobby air? That's how you do an interview. Take the ball and fucking run with it. Yes, Jeremiah. Are you on Venmo? Yep. What's your Venmo handle? At Derek-Santos.

It's a picture of a baby goat. And just to make sure you understand, the spelling of Derek is a little bit funny on that. D-A-R-I-K-Santos. S-A-N-T-O-S. But that Derek, D-A-R-I-K. Like Derek with a K. That's interesting.

That's a funny way to spell Derek. I mean, your parents are sort of like hippies. Yeah. They are? Yeah, they smoke a lot of pot. That's interesting. That's a funny way to spell Derek. I mean, your parents sort of like hippies. Yeah. They are? Yeah, they smoke a lot of pot. Yeah. Hey, what type of Latino are you? I'm Portuguese.

All right, it's good enough. Yeah, Derek. Hopefully, maybe some fans of the show, maybe the people on YouTube right now, or when this podcast is released, we'll send you some Venmo money. So you might want to fly in spirit back to... American Airlines.

American, Jesus, American Airlines. Wow, for a guy with negative 374 in your account, you're pretty much fucking balling out. That's why it's negative, because I bought the ticket. Maybe they'll send you another $1,000. That'd be cool. I could eat food. All right, well.

You know what? I'm starting to call bullshit on this guy. I think it's all bullshit. Uh-oh. I feel like I'm on a casting couch, like bad acting. I don't buy any of this guy's shit. It's just like, you know, that Willie Montgomery's now getting all these improv guys over here.

That's what's happening. So I can't stay on your couch. Brian hates it when other people are funny. Boom. It's happening. Yes, Derek. We all see through this act. I mean, clearly you are a silly comedian,

and that's your bread and butter, which are two more things that Red Band's mad that he can't have. Good foods. He's on a keto diet. I don't know what's going on anymore. So, Derek, it was nice to meet you. We spent a lot of time with you. Very interesting story. I can't wait to get updates and find

out what you're doing next. Derek Santos. D-A-R-I-K. Santos. You don't really like silly people. That's your thing, right? You'd be silly on stage, but during an interview, don't give me this bullshit. Sound like bad acting the whole time. What do you think? You think that kid's

got money or something like that? Yeah, I think he's balling with that American Airlines. Why not Spirit, huh? I had to ride Spirit the other day. Spaghetti fell out of my menu. It sucked. Oh, my God. After all that...

Tony. Are you really doing this for me? Tony, did you see when he shook my hand? He was, like, moving his middle finger. He's a silly guy. He tried to tickle you. I'm winking at me. Oh, yeah?

How about one more time for Derek Santos, everyone? He's moving back to Providence. Bob Bobier has to drive all the way back to Phoenix. Let's find out what the story is with our next comedian as we meet Paulina Kambau. Paulina Kambau. I think we know Paulina. That sounds familiar. I believe she's walking towards the stage.

Yes. Here she comes at a steady pace. Alright, here she is. We're going to meet her. It's Paulina Kambau. Hey! You guys, a lot of tattoo talk. Right?

Sorry, my foot fell asleep and I ran up here. Very awkward. Actually, I have a few tattoos from Kentucky where there's still, you know, a little not Christian to get those. My mom's really disappointed in me. She's like, what are you going to do when your tattoo gets all leathery and wrinkly? Saggy.

And I was like, I thought about this, Mom. That's why I got a tattoo of a baseball glove on my stomach. So it'll just grow old with me. You know what I mean? That's why I treat it like a real baseball glove on my stomach. So it'll just grow old with me. You know what I mean? That's why I treat it like a real baseball glove. I rub like oil on it every day. Guys throw balls at it. Just for practice.

Just for practice. Don't worry. I'm out of breath literally. Killing this minute right now alright you guys there you go Paulina Combow Combow this is your first time on the show right? second time?

what happened the first time? it was okay they were knights and said I my funniest thing that they said was that I sound like a stable boy and look like a princess. I love that. Yeah, yeah. They said you look like a stable boy? Sound like a stable boy. No, you don't.

Kentucky. Oh, I guess I get it. It was much funnier when I said it. So how long have you been in Los Angeles, Kentucky? Close to two years. Two years. Yeah. And how have you been surviving this whole time?

It's awful, right? It's so hard. Who are you writing? Them or me? Because I don't think it's awful at all. I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. So you must have been asking them, right? I love it here. I was just going off the last

guy. So how have you been surviving? I'm a personal assistant now. Okay. Who are you personal assisting? Someone in show business? I mean everybody, right? A couple of women. Everybody's in show business

is what I mean. Sorry. I'm being weird right now. So a couple of people? Yeah, one of them's a Pilates instructor to the stars and the other one's old and crazy. Wow, both are boring. All right, Paulina. So how long have you been on stand-up comedy?

Oh, my God. By the way, I believe that's four for Joel Berg. I don't care anymore, Tony. I've lost it. On your bingo card. It's going to be seven years next month. Seven years? I know.

Dom Ibarra, what do you think about this, seven years? That's fucking amazing. You're going to be so mean. No, I'm not going to be mean. I mean, first of all, I was riveted by what you did A lot of people they go for the big laugh You don't go for that Not your style

Chuckles A little smirk Yeah I knew after five seconds I was bombing in front of all my friends, so I was like, let's just hear it. It's all good. I noticed you're wearing this little, for those of you listening to the podcast, you have regular black jeans on.

You're wearing a cool yellow t-shirt. This is not good. I don't really like to be the fashion police. That's actually a really cool t-shirt. It's a really cool t-shirt. And then for some reason, you have this very dinky little, like, like, it's this little

dinky vest. Like, what is, is that, you're getting a little bit hip? Like, this is definitely, because it's like, I could tell that you came out here from Kentucky a couple years ago with that outfit, and then the vest, you, like, got on Silver Lake on your way here or something like that.

Well, I guess I gotta throw this on before heading down into Hollywood. Want to fit in? I know, yeah. Am I right? That's an LA thing. You picked that up here. I honestly tried to look cool, yeah. I tried.

You tried. It's a scoliosis brace, so be sensitive. What's your drink at Starbucks? I tried. You tried. It's a scoliosis brace, so be sensitive, okay? What's your drink at Starbucks? My drink? Oh. Good question. Today I had a PSL.

What the fuck is that? Wow. A BSL? Pumpkin spice latte. Oh, PSL. You silly fool. Tell me more. What are you going to go on Halloween? What are you going to go on Halloween

what are you going to go as another good question can I give you a suggestion please Anna Nicole Smith's corpse thank you and don't change a thing

just you're you're already there anyway no I'm kidding what are you going to go for Halloween as Woody and Buzz I was going to be Buzz

last year oh wait is your boyfriend going to be Woody because if you say yes I'm going to be Buzz later oh is your boyfriend going to be Woody because if you say yes I'm going to shoot myself right here on the stage you have a boyfriend

kind of is he going to be Woody maybe he might be Woody if he takes his forhims.com yeah Woody

that's number five. That's a sponsor. We're coming over the mountain top. The people have their hands in the air. Oh, okay. You idiot. I've got to stand up for myself every now and then. Now I think he just wants a tattoo.

Maybe I do. What you going to do about it? Aubrey, do you allow your employees to have tattoos at Starbucks? Is that a thing? Absolutely not. Fired up on site. I'll wear a long sleeve. Wow.

This is chaos here. Paulina, you talked about tattoos. Do you really have tattoos? Yeah, I have three now. Is that true that you have a baseball glove? No. No, what are the three that you have? Oh, that's boring.

I have like a thingy here and then a little thingy back here. Thingy here? Oh, you're right, Paulina. It is boring if you answer it like that. A little thingy here. Thanks, Paulina. Silver chair's logo or something like that? What is it?

What's the thingy that you're afraid to tell us? What did you just call a thingy? I'd love to know. What is that? Just a fucking cock, right? A little thingy. No're afraid to tell us what did you just call a thingy i'd love to know what is that just a fucking cock right yeah a little thingy no big deal there uh and then another thingy on my uh you know wherever and uh like i just picture these dirty fucking all right my okay so my i was back home last month in kentucky my family all went together and got tattoos because we're from Kentucky. That's what we do.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, but one of my brothers has Down syndrome, so we got this symbol that's supposed to represent unity in the Down syndrome community. Yeah, what is it? What's the symbol of unity in a Down syndrome community? It is the coffee bean logo. Yeah.

It is the coffee bean logo. I'll be proud if he gets a job at the coffee bean, honestly. Or Starbucks. He probably won't. But what was the tattoo? What's the tattoo? I got it behind my ear, so it's not super obvious. But it's just like three little chevrons.

Three chevrons? Like the gas station? The shape of a chevrons. Really? Chevrons? You know what I mean? The gas station? The shape of a chevron. And what language did that spell out der? Wow, that's number six. Tony fucking laughed at that. It takes a Joelberg chant to clear the palate, dude. Let's just keep it moving along.

No big deal. I need a double shot stat. I'm just wondering if Dom remembers me. We've met like 18 times. Whoa. Do you remember this? 18 times as in... I want to hear the memory. Where did you guys meet? Weird.

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry, but if I start going back to where we met that night... I know. I know. You know, you broke my fucking heart, by the way. I'm sorry. When you said, I don't care if you have $1,000, I'm not going out with you.

Where do we meet? We've hung out mostly at the Laugh Factory. We hung out? You and I? We have, yeah. What the fuck were you wearing? In a group. Not enough. It must be that vest. Take off the vest and see if he recognizes you. I? We have, yeah. What the fuck were you wearing? In a group. Not enough.

It must be that vest. Take off the vest and see if he recognizes you. I was wondering what lost to that. Like, you put three or four outfits on the bed. Nah, nah, nah. Yes. That vest. Honestly, I was like, I think if I add this vest, I'll have more confidence.

I don't remember meeting you. Do we talk? We've met, yeah. You're friends with an ex of mine. Who? So we hung out. Ooh, who's the ex? Who?

Is he famous? Yeah? What's his name? I'll tell you later. He performed at the Laugh Factory. DeLeo? Not right now, yeah. Wait, whoa, you're saying you went out with Chris DeLeo?

No, no, no. Everybody's going out with Chris DeLeo. His initials are DT? Huh? DT? Initials no, no. Everybody's going out with Chris and Leo. His initials are DT? Huh? DT? Initials D-H. D-H. Think about it, maybe.

I know. Oh. That's why, yeah. We met outside? No, we hung out, like, at the Laugh Factory, yeah. Don't be one of those people that's so mean. I can't believe you don't remember me, you know? I have this thing where nobody ever remembers me

and it gets old. And I'm like, come on, I remember people. You're going to start bitching at me? What the fuck did I do? I don't know. Start being memorable. Every time I'm around you, I'm like smiling and I know you think I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with her? No, I think that now, but I didn't

used to. I saw you last week at Christian, what was it called? Catholic Life. All right, Paulina. Great to see you. I mean, geez. Me and Dom will have a chat later. You know me, Dom.

You fucking know me. She orders a pumpkin spice latte every morning, I'll tell you that much. How do you make a pumpkin spice latte? You know the logistics on that, Aubrey? Yes, I do, actually. But if I had a grande, how would you make that? Well, you would steam the milk to around 145 degrees. You would add two shots of espresso.

You would put a couple pumps of pumpkin volume in there. Volume? A little bit of syrup. Yeah. Wow. For those of you listening, Paulina just threw off her tiny little vest into the audience. As if that would fit Cassandra.

Cassandra Cass has caught it. Dressed up as Elvira, too. Yeah, lovely Elvira. Two pumps of pumpkin spice syrup. And then you put a little bit of whipped cream on top. You sprinkle it with some pumpkin powder. And then you got yourself a pumpkin spice latte.

Grande 16 ounces. There you go. Breaking it down for us. I love it. Yeah. This was rough tonight. It was fucking rough tonight. But I was asking myself, should I retire that tattoo joke?

And absolutely, yes. I am going to now. Do you listen to your sets, though? Do you record your sets? The bench is gone. Take the advice of the comedians, you guys. Except for Red Band. Cut him off.

No. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Anyway, it's great to see you again. There she goes. Paulina Combow, everybody. Paulina Combow is on Twitter. At Paulina GC. Dereek Santos isina Kambau is on Twitter at PaulinaGC.

Dariq Santos is at Dariq Santos, all one word, D-A-R-I-K-S-A-N-T-O-S. And Beau Bobby Air didn't even leave his social media information. It's almost like he knew what was going to happen here tonight. You know, it's weird when I meet people that I've met before. I mean, not that I'm a big thing, but I was Ernie in Hey Arnold. Not to brag. And you may have heard of a little show called The Golden Girls. Yeah.

I'm not saying I'm old, but I was the father of, oh, my God. Look at you, all grown up. Seinfeld. The Big Lebowski. Whoa. Oh, myowski. Oh my god. Holy shit. Cassandra Cass just lost a layer as well. A little bit more clothes than a tiny vest.

If you continue to take clothing off, I will be forced to call authorities. Thank you. Alright. Your next comedian. You guys are having fun, right? You get the show. We're meeting people all together. Anything can happen.

Make some noise for Rob Love. Rob Love. No movement. Nope. That means Rob Love is blacklisted. On to the next one we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for monique jones monique yeah right from the side hello i am aware that when you heard monique jones coming to the stage this is not what you expected

makes it easy with social media though if you want to look me up. It's Monique Jones, and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school. I'm from North Carolina. Yeah, baby. Grits. That's my takeaway from the South. I went to high school pre-social media. Went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house. His mom answered the door. I said, hey, I'm Monique Jones. She said, really? Look at you.

Look at you. We were just talking about you over prayer. It was so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me. That's it. Hell yeah. There you go. 53 seconds of Monique Jones. Yes, sir.

Hell yeah. This is your first time on this show, right? Yes. Awesome. Great set. Thank you. Good job. Thank you.

53 seconds of thunder. How long have you been doing stand-up? 10 months. 10 months? Yes. Wow, that's amazing. January 13th. And you started here in Los Angeles? 10 months. 10 months? Yes. Wow, that's amazing. January 13th. And you started here in Los Angeles?

I started here. Belly room. Wow, very cool. And this is where you live? This is where I live. What do you do for work? I'm a massage therapist. Ooh la la.

I could tell by all that denim. Yes, you know those massage therapists. Always wearing the most uncomfortable clothes. A lot of people don't know Jay Leno, massage therapist. Yeah. How long have you been giving massages for? Since 2002. 2002.

You know, I got this knot. I just want to see what it would be like. Wow, that's number seven. No, that's not a joke, Brian. I want to see. I want to test out. These people say what they do. I don't know if I believe it.

Like I said, that was number seven. I mean, I don't know what's going on right now, Joel. I was trying to get a free massage. Never mind. Thanks, guys. You thought that would work in the middle of a show? Yeah. Well, that joke did not work.

Damn it. Asking for a massage. We're trying to have some respect for Monique. Exactly. Thank you. By the way, has anyone ever told you you do not look like a Monique Jones? I have never heard that.

You seem like a woman that would call the police on a woman named Monique Jones. That is so fucked up. Fucked up! You should have that joke. All right, Aphrodite. Jesus Christ.

Out of control. The Apollo 13 are in full effect. So, massage therapist. You married? I am not married. Boyfriend? I do not have a boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend. That's interesting. I don therapist. You married? I am not married. Boyfriend? I do not have a boyfriend. You don't have a boyfriend.

That's interesting. I don't. Is it? I am on my fourth wife. The first three took everything from me. Do you work at a massage therapist? Do you do it yourself? I'm mobile.

Like an app type thing? No app. Oh, okay. Just private clients and go to their house. I also work at the Four Seasons. What do you do there? It's a banquet server. Oh, okay. Just private clients and go to their house. I also work at the Four Seasons. Ooh, what do you do there? It's a banquet server. Oh, very cool.

Yeah, it's awesome. You know some very, very, I believe, Sarah Tiana and Sebastian Maniscalco, right? Sebastian, yeah. It's kind of a thing. Ah, yeah. Who knew? Yeah, he's like a famous former employee there, right? Yeah, Kalina.

Do you offer a four-hands massage? A four-hands? There's one guy that got it. I'm going to fucking, oh my God. I mean, no one knows how to fucking ice it up like you. I should make you get a fucking tattoo after that one. Like, nobody knows what you are. Red band.

People at home get it. I'm going to give Joel a tattoo gun. Just let him scribble for a bit on you. I fucking love it. Hey, of the four seasons, which one are you? Now that is, I believe, what are we at? Seven? That's eight.

No, I'm not counting the one that you picked. You're not the umpire on this thing, Red Band. I think we're at seven. Yeah, you're just shaped like one. All right. Him asking for a massage. Oh, that's number nine. You got it at eight?

Do you have it at eight? I'm checking in with Jeremiah. He's a pretty honest Christian. Dude, he just did number eight or nine. Let's just keep it so that we're all unified. He's at eight right now for the first time, I believe, ever. This is fucking crazy. All right, you fucking turncoats.

If Joel Berg has ten bad jokes in a row He has to get a tattoo of me Can Dom do the tattoo? God I can't imagine touching you Dom you can't reset his number with those jokes I can imagine it's fine So Monique what do you like to do for fun? You born and raised here in L.A.?

No, North Carolina. North Carolina. How long have you been here? I know. What a dick I am to say that. I got here in 92. Yeah, I'm going to tell you my fucking age. It's all good.

I can tell you were pretty old. Don't be afraid. It's all good. What do you do for fun? You're the one that made agent thing I had to break the tension you're right let's talk I'm proud of it

Friday night I saw you at the laugh factory wait a second are you fucking with us this is what I do for fun I go see comedy I study comedy I guess we're finding out that Dom hangs out with every blonde This is what I do for fun. I go see comedy. I study comedy. I guess we're finding out that Dom hangs out with every blonde in the comedy business.

I thought you were the same girl. Without the vest. Anyway, it's good to see you again. Good to see you. I saw you. You Good to see you. I saw you. You didn't see me. You did a good job up here, I got to tell you. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you really did. Thanks. So what are some things that you do when you're not doing stand-up and you're not writing? I'm sober. I got sober 14 months ago. Good for you. Congratulations. I've been going to a lot of meetings.

Hell yeah. Yes. That's awesome. I was here on Saturday for a meeting. Awesome. I mean, I'm just being honest. Hell yeah. It's a good thing.

I have a crippling addiction to Mucinex, and I've seen many therapists about it. It continues to make me high on the weekends, but I will clear it up very soon, and Starbucks still believes in me. Let's take it one day at a time Aubrey, one day at a time. So wow, that's interesting. Did something happen in particular that you'd be willing to talk about

that made you realize like oh shit I need to get help? I mean it was ongoing. You have one of those crazy share stories at your meetings and stuff? The last time I was drunk. So next thing you know I was driving a car but it wasn't a car, it was a city bus those like crazy share stories at your meetings and stuff you have like that one where it's like so next thing you know i was driving a car but it wasn't a car it was the city bus and it wasn't mine and uh i don't know i killed a bunch of babies and blacked out many a time i uh i mean

just over i got hypnotized the first time because i wasn't going to be a fucking drunk and be an alcoholic all that bullshit and it worked for three months are you getting laid less a lot less yeah i mean i took my year off and now we're like in a couple months but i also lost like 50 pounds too so congratulations fat girl how'd you do it drunk just from drinking by stopping drinking you gotta stop drink see the drinking leads to the fucking not wanting to work out and then you want to eat shit the next day so it's that whole spiral. Exactly. So I was thin drunk for a while, but Adderall

you know, that helped that. We got a couple addictions. What was your drink of choice when you were drinking? I mean, a Pinot Grigio was always nice. I know. It's a very white girl drink. What was your shot?

Tequila. Espresso. Do a little tequila. All right. Well. What do you think the most you ever drank in one sitting was? You had to just guess. A ballpark.

A vineyard. I mean, you mean one sitting ballpark. Five bottles of wine. A vineyard. I mean. To your face. I mean, you mean one sitting because, like, I would start in the morning. Really? Yeah, we could do this all day. But this is towards the end. You know, it's a progressive disease.

Yeah. Everyone. But, I mean, towards the end, like, yeah. I mean, especially if you've got Adderall going on. Yeah, that's dangerous. It's an easy thing to keep on keeping on. By the end, you're not even getting drunk. You're just either drinking or you're passed out.

There's no buzz. This got sad. Most of the show is. You guys, stop drinking. Seriously, it's not good for you. No, I mean to the excess so I've never done this drinking I've only done stand up sober I think that's pretty fucking cool

that's great thank you I love it well very funny 53 seconds Dom Irera I think you should have a couple shots fuck yeah I know you do I know I'm such a pussy hi I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic you have a couple shots. Fuck, yeah, I know you do. I know, Dom. I'm such a baby. I know, I'm such a pussy. Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic. No shit, Bob, you have a purple nose.

Anyway, congratulations. Where are you from in North Carolina? Charlotte. Oh, my brother and one of my sisters. Anyway, I have a lot of family there. Right on. We'll get together, the three of us. Okay, we'll hang.

The girl long before you, I forget her name. Fuck her. Monique. Monique her. Monique. Monique Jones. Monique. Yeah. All right. My Venmo is.

Well, good luck. You don't know people's Venmo? Only that's a one-time special thing. Okay, that was a. Because we're trying to keep them in Los Angeles. So it's like a funny, I actually got to give Jeremiah a lot of credit. That was beautiful to get that out there. He lives in Calabasas, he said.

Red Band hates that guy. I love it. I'm like, wow, I feel like we did something really cool there. Red Band's just going to fuck him, fuck him. He's a fucking actor. Anyway. All right, Monique. It was so nice to meet you.

Great set. Fun times. Nice to meet you. Congratulations on your sobriety, too. That's really awesome. Make some noise for Monique Jones, everybody. She touched me. She fucking touched me.

I was giving the hand like, give it up for her, and she thought it was some type of inverted low high five of some kind, and she just fucking took it. She got a big laugh. It's very likable. Yeah, for sure. Feel got a big laugh. Yeah. It's very likable. Yeah, for sure.

And feel free to do that. My name is Monique Jones, but I look more like a lady that would call the police on a lady named Monique. I did that joke, and I got a huge laugh and applause break, and you should be doing that joke. It goes with your Twitter joke or whatever. Feel free to take it. So while we might not give you your Venmo, there's a little donation from me, Writers Guild elite member, There's a little donation from me, Writers Guild elite member, silver medallion, card-carrying, six-year Writers Guild vet,

Tony Hinchcliffe. Back to the bucket we go, shall we? Meet another soul. I believe it's been all... Well, no, we had that one person up once before. All right, here we go. Mike LeBlanc with a goddamn asterisk afterwards. Here he comes. Good steady pace.

Here he comes. I don't think he's related girls. I don't think he's related. Mike LeBlanc. What's up, Comedy Store? As you heard, my name is Mike LeBlanc which is French. If you don't know, LeBlanc translates out to the white. I know what you're thinking.

Those of you on the podcast don't know. If you had to picture a guy whose last name happens to be the white, that would be me. I got blue eyes, strong features, and my hair's parted to the alt-right. I look like that guy who uses that new dating site that seeks to let Trump supporters hook up with other Trump supporters. You guys know this site? It's called Ancestry.com.

You get to swipe white for your match, as they say. I had a bad time at Home Depot the other day. I was buying a tiki torch. Got a lot of looks, I gotta say. And I had to yell out. I was like, hey, I'm not racist in any way, man.

I love all people. All people are great. I killed it, that one. Thanks, guys. I mean, alright. Was there more to that? You were getting the tiki torch and that was it? Yeah, there's more to that, but it goes a little bit more for another 15, 20 seconds,

so I'll figure out how to kill it then. Okay, I mean, all right, fine. So, okay, cool. Congratulations. One more time for Mike LeBlanc, everybody. There he goes. Got it. 60 seconds in, 60 out. So let's talk about it. This is your first time for Mike LeBlanc, everybody. There he goes. Got it. 60 seconds in, 60 out. Let's talk about it. This is your first time on the show, right?

This is my first time, yeah. Hell yeah. You really do look sort of like a racist. Absolutely. I'm not. Absolutely. It's an interesting haircut. I didn't even realize until you really said it, but that is the fucking haircut. It is. What do you think happened? Why do you think that is?

Do you think there's just one barber out there that's racist and convinces everybody during their haircut to get that haircut and be racist? I think so, yeah. Fantastic Sam's. I think great. I'm sorry?

I'm bilingual. I speak French. I do comedy in French as well, too, actually. Wow. Oh, la, la. Fuck, man. Can you do comedy in Spanish, Joel? Not knowingly.

Maybe on accident. Can you do comedy in English as well, too? Oh, fucker. Yeah. No chance you know how to play drums, huh, Mike?

You don't know how to play drums, do you? No, I don't, but I'd definitely take a spot if you had it. Who the fuck

is this guy? What the fuck? How dare you? Totally all piss on this guy right now. You cannot pee on him. If I got to mark my turf.

You're in your Starbucks uniform. You're not allowed to pee on him. Mr. LeBlanc, I would like to offer you Oswaldo's position as co-host. Oh, you my own? Thank you. The whole team is turning on me. What the fuck? And you know what, Joel?

If on your way out you could build a wall yourself, that would be... And pay for it, yeah. So, Mike, how long have you been on stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about three years, on and off, but I took a year off when I had my son born. Wow, you have a son. You have a racist son as well.

I do. You have two sons? I have two kids. I have a daughter and a son. Would you consider your sons both proud boys? No, no. I do. You have two sons? I have two kids. I have a daughter and a son. Would you consider your sons both proud boys? No. Nice try. We're going with this racist theme, guys. Number one.

You son of a bitch. This whole thing is getting out of control real quick. I have six sons from three different mothers, and I have not seen one of them. I am not allowed to. Mike, how old are your sons? My son is two years old and my daughter's four. You got a son and a daughter. Two and four.

Same baby mama? Yeah. How long have you been with her for? I'm not with her anymore. Wow. When did that end? Last December. Right before Christmas? Did you already buy her presents? No.

It's your fault, huh? She was really beautiful, huh? No. It's got to hurt when you talk about her. You're still in love, right? No. Don't lie to me. What did she do for work?

She runs a website, a blog website. Right, and raises babies. And raises babies. Was there anything in particular that made it all end? Yeah, I caught her cheating on me. Oh, shit. Wow, this is very interesting. We very rarely have people that are this Schoenberg is celebrating His revenge

For Mike telling him he will take his job First of all Mike Let me give you credit That's fucking awesome that you're being honest And sharing the real story with us It's so compelling and interesting You really get it, this interview part, because that's what fucking people find interesting.

Well, I listen to the show all the time. Oh, I love it. Well, thank you. So let me ask you this. How did you find out that she was cheating? Ooh, great question. He found naked juice all over the house. I don't think I've ever said this publicly, but yeah, I found...

She was chatting Joel Berg in her sleep. Okay. Wow, the streak has ended at eight. Unbelievable. Wow, right when you think we're going to see a fucking tattoo live at the Comedy Story, fucking powers up like Hulk Hogan in a sleeper hold. I'm kind of glad it happened.

He started making weird noises and grunts back there. He's like... Perhaps one of the greatest questions I've ever asked in interview history in this show that has been cut off. Let me get back to it one more time. How did you find out that your baby mama was cheating on you? I came back

from a trip in Vegas. How long was the trip? Five days. I was on a work trip, and I came back, and I went on my kid's iPad, which was synced up to her iMessages, and I found all the text messages where she had hooked up with some guy. Wow. Yeah.

That was so brilliant of you to attach your kid's iPad with the same messages because you never trusted her. You know, that's. No. So, wow. Then the messages really spelled it out for you. It was all really there. Like, so much fun getting fucked by your cock last night. Like, that type of, like, it was like you knew right away, like, oh.

That's right. What did the guy look like? He was a... Let me ask you this. Did you have that haircut before you found out what race the guy that fucked your wife was? Or was that the next day? You're just like, give me the American History X. Build that wall.

He was a Point to the Which member of the Apollo 13 Did it look like Exactly Oh shit He's rubbing his belly You could say He was an African blend

Was it Was it really Or no No it wasn't right Was it No Not that I understand. Right.

Man, did she try to lie to you in the beginning? At first, yeah. And then when I confronted her after a while, then I showed her the picture. How long did you hold off that you knew about the, you got it off the iPad? Was it like an hour? Were you able to hold a poker face?

Was it a half hour? It was 15 minutes. Yeah, 15 minutes. That was time, yeah. Which is pretty prompt customer service. Yeah, 15 minutes. That was time, yeah. Which is pretty prompt customer service. Yeah, thank you. Let me, at that point, she's like, how do you, why, how do you know? Because she realizes that the whole charade's falling in, basically, right?

So at that point, you just, like, fessed it up, saw it on the iPad. Yep. Now, was she, you know, were you guys, was your sex life healthy before that, or was it just sort of like, fuck, I mean, a baby just came out of this pussy, so I'm gonna give her a little break, let things tighten up, and then someone else is like, I'll fucking wreck that shit right now. Was it like that?

You listen to the show a lot. Yeah, I think you pretty much summed it up, yeah. Right. So, yeah. Yeah. Alright. I don't, I mean, that's awful. I'm sorry for making fun of you but that's pretty fucked up thanks man

do you ever try alcohol? yeah all the time I hope she's dead at select Starbucks locations there's alcohol available now so when what do you think your kids were doing while your wife was

Okay, alright. Tony. You know what? Fuck, I thought you guys liked the tough questions. I'll answer them if you keep asking. Please, go ahead. They were in daycare.

They were in daycare when it happened. Oh my God. Do you still track her using your family plan that you have on the Sprint network? No, no. We've disconnected now, and, yeah, I've kept away from her since then. Do you think she deeply regrets it? I have no idea. My first three wives are in my T-Mobile Fave 5, but I am not in theirs.

Have you been getting laid at all since then? You on any of the dating apps or anything like that? Yeah, absolutely. Is that going good for you? Yeah, not bad. You're a good looking guy. You seem like you have a lot of common sense. Thank you.

So, hell yeah. You get to see your kids when you want to? Yeah, it's 50-50 custody. Beautiful. Beautiful. That's amazing. Well, Mike, thank you so much for coming on the show. Very funny appearance.

Thank you for that compelling interview. There he goes. Mike LeBlanc, everybody. Mike LeBlanc. Ha ha. All one word. I gave him a real handshake on that because he had a great fucking interview. That's how you have a great fucking interview.

Be honest. My wife cheated on me. That fucking sucks, man. The kids. That's awful. Women are... What a bitch. Amazing.

We have a regular on this show. Every single week, this guy writes and performs a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. He is a force. He's traveled with us around the country to do some of the Kill Tonys. Always fun, always amazing.

He's also one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Malcolm Hatchet, everyone. A brand new minute. What's up? I think L.A. changed me in a lot of ways. Like, one of the good ways is music. Like, a year ago, I was listening to gangsta music.

Like, shit like, we some headbusters. We some headbusters. We'll knock your ass out. Now I listen to shit like, Here comes the sun. Do-do- to shit like, here comes the sun. Doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun. It's alright. I told my mama, I listened

to the Beatles. She was like, what drug are you on? I was like, all of them. My friend said, Malcolm, you can die from drugs. I said, nigga, you can die if you sneeze the wrong way. Anything will kill you. Tennis. I think the best job for a homeless man would be a plumber.

Because you get to fix the bathroom and use it. Hey, did you fix the bathroom? Yeah, but you ain't got no toilet tissue, lady. Or shampoo. Hell yeah. Malcolm Hatchett. Again and again. There he is.

Stone Cold Killer. I like your style. How's life going, Malcolm? Do-do-do-do. Yeah, it's good. Chilling, man. Yeah. Been doing a lot of comedy.

A lot of writing. You have all new fucking rock star clothes on and shit? Nah, I had all this. I just wore it together. You know, I wear shit separate sometimes. I just put it all together. We have to have an update. Are you still working at the same job? Wow, that's three weeks.

Just got off from delivering pizzas. You're making good money now, huh? Yeah, I'm getting fat and shit. You know making, like, good money now, huh? Yeah, I'm getting fat and shit, you know what I'm saying? And you're eating good. That's amazing, right? Yes, sir. And you're getting a lot of comedy gigs, too. Yeah, yeah.

I see you promoting a lot of shows. You have some road work coming up? Yeah, oh, I'm about to be in Sacramento Thursday. Uh-huh. You doing your own show there? Where's that at? Yeah, headlining. Unlimited Laughs, I think.

Laughs Unlimited. Laughs Unlimited. He a big fan of Kill Tony. He found me through Kill Tony. Of course. Yeah, that's your type. Hell yeah, he did. there where's that yeah headlining uh unlimited laughs i think last unlimited laughs unlimited he a big fan of kill tony he found me through kill tony of course yeah that's tight hell yeah he did um that's fun so you're still delivering pizza is anything crazy ever happen at that job nah man but uh the other day uh i took a dude all right i was on the phone with the guy and he was like when you deliver the pizza please call me because he has a uh an in-law and he was like, when you deliver the pizza, please call me because he has an in-law and he's like 90 years old and he walk around the house in diapers. And if I don't call him

because, dude, he lazy, but the in-law is like right there by the door asleep. So I forgot. I didn't call him. I went there. He didn't come in the door with diapers but when he opened up the door, he was like this is what he said, who the fuck are you? I was like, I'm the pizza guy. He was like, who ordered pizza? I was like, dude living here. He was like, that fucker. said. Who the fuck are you? I was like, I'm the pizza guy. He was like, who ordered pizza? I was like, dude living here.

He was like, that fucker. And it was just an argument going on. And then the pizza got cold. I still got tips, so fuck it, you know? But shit like that, you know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah. Everything else is good? Still living in the car?

Yeah, living in the car. My AC fucked up. But I got a church fan. With a dead lady on it how's street joy doing how's our boy street oh he good he he went home for uh he but he like meditates he went home for two months and he's going to india in december and he'll be back in january oh okay yeah because he went back to north carolina yeah north carolina because uh he was like the only child so his dog is like his best friend and his dog getting like real old so he like went back to North Carolina. Yeah, North Carolina. Because he was like the only child. So his dog was like his best friend. And his dog was getting like real old.

So he like went home to see a little puppy. Damn. Streetjoy went all the way back to hang out with the dog. Yeah, he was about to cry. Because I think he just turned 12. Like he loved it. I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked it before. He loved that dog.

Wow. He really loved that dog. So he had to go home. He was getting emotional when he was talking about him. Oh, yeah. Dom, you've seen Malcolm Hatchett before. He's very funny. He's got a great style, very likable. Very likable.

Do you have any notes or any questions or anything for Malcolm? I just like the fact that he said he was writing every day. That's the hard part. I love when people go, somebody asked me, they go, how do you get on tonight's show? I said, well, you got to write. And they went, you got to write? What did you think, you just called the president of the show business?

You have an idea. You know how hard it is. Yeah, they lazy, man. I love your goofiness, you know. Thank you. Like, it's charming, and I like the way you're hopping around. If that's you, use it, you know. Thank you.

It's because I got tickled a lot growing up, so I still feel it. Yeah, you should have never told me that information. Malcolm, can I publicly apologize for calling the cops on you when you were in our Starbucks the other day? You were just... Wow, we're at number two. You didn't buy anything. You were writing a screenplay,

and I thought maybe you were up to something. Yeah, I was on the Wi-Fi. All right. Well, Malcolm, you did it again. That's another killer minute. People love you. Go see him in Sacramento this Thursday. Life's Unlimited. He is Malcolm

Hatchett. Let's go back to the bucket, shall we? Very likable. He's the man. He's great. He's getting real work from this show. He's traveling. That's cool. Who else did I just talk to? Who are we talking to? Oh, the guy in Providence.

Nomads, yeah. Yep, Nomads Comedy Club's getting Malcolm out there eventually. I like the guy who yawned. I've never seen that at a stand-up place. He yawned on himself. Yeah. It was boring himself. Just like I'm boring them. Well, at least he doesn't have to drive all the way to Phoenix tonight,

a guy yawning while he's on stage at the comedy store, but he does. You know what we say at Starbucks? Turn that yawn upside down. Starbucks coffee. Turn that yawn upside down? Turn that yawn upside down. Turn that yawn upside down? That's a Starbucks thing?

It's a Starbucks. It's in the employee handbook, I mean. Turn that yown upside down. Turn that yown upside down. I didn't write it. It's just part of it. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Daniel Magdon.

Daniel Magdon. Here he comes. Here we go. This is very exciting. One more time for Daniel Magdon. What's up, guys? I got into an argument with a friend of mine the other day because he was like, man, sometimes I wish we lived in the 50s, you know?

Because everything was so much easier in the 50s. And that didn't make sense to me. How can you have an iPhone and drive a Prius and think that's harder than polio or segregation? That doesn't make sense to me. Man, if I had a time machine, I wouldn't be able to survive in any other time period, especially the 50s. Like, man, if I had a time machine, I wouldn't be able to survive in any other time period, especially the 50s, you know? Because, like, in any other time period, just to survive a day-to-day life, you just had to know, like, some stuff. And, guys, I don't know a single goddamn stuff.

Not one. Like, back in the day, to get somewhere, you had to know how to use a map. I don't know how to use a map. If someone was like, hey, man, you got to get home, but using just this map. I'd be like, well, I guess I live here now. What's up? Like, I don't know phone numbers. Everybody used to have to remember people's phone numbers. Like, I got arrested one time.

You get the one phone call home. I just dialed 911. I was like, yeah, no. This is the only number I can remember. All right, thanks, guys. Hell, yeah. Hell yeah. Daniel Magdon. Am I saying that right?

It's very funny. See, you don't look like how you... You look like you'd be pure evil. What? You look like a more evil version of the problem child, and then you come up, you're like, how's everybody doing? Good? Cool.

Here's some stuff I want to talk about. You don't look like how you are. People generally tell me the opposite. They generally tell me I look like a child. Yeah, if you put them in the Chucky clothes, we're all fucked. You do look like a child, but it's like a bad child.

I've been told I give a Columbine vibe. Yeah, for sure. You look like Ed Sheeran joined the dark side. But it turns out the only Columbine vibe you really give off is that of a victim. Yeah, yeah. Because he's a nice guy. Innocent people were killed.

I would have got it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's still too soon to pull off a reverse Columbine. All right, it wasn't funny. We're taking risks tonight. I really do like the phone number joke because that's legit. I think all of us can agree to how many numbers we actually have. I only know my dad's number.

Not even my mom's, which is fucked up. Because I like my mom better, so it makes no sense. All this controversy has been really hard on Louis. This is Louis pre-K. That's how you do it. That's how you do it. Am I a school shooter or a sexual harasser?

I don't know. You look like all these things, dude. It's incredible. I look like I'm going to molest myself. You're a little cutie pie. You look like one of the South Park characters came to life. That's funny. Like an actual human.

You look like someone I would yell at. The restroom is for customers only! So, Daniel, this is your first time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. About three years. How old are you been doing stand-up? About three years. About three years. How old are you? 22.

Yeah, you're going to be a star, dude. Oh, thanks, man. Hopefully you have fun here and hire us for things in the future. I could just tell you have that vibe. Oh, thanks. You know it, don't you? No, no. Yeah.

Yeah, he's got that little fucking, he's already been doing it three years. He's 22. He's got fucking red hair, perfectly round head. The facial hair is not, he's going to He's got fucking red hair. Perfectly round head. He's going to get rid of that facial hair in a year and he's going to realize that he needs to drink a lot more water and he'll lose that red hue and then it'll dial down. At about 24 he'll be on something weird.

He'll be one of the new Impractical Jokers or something like that. Like a reboot. Play Satan's Kid on a sitcom. Uh oh. Look out. You couldn't see. Play Satan's Kid on a sitcom. Uh-oh. Look out. You couldn't see him playing Satan's Child on a sitcom? That's the worst sitcom I've ever heard.

I don't care. You're in it. Moving on. That could be considered two and a half. Oswaldo, that's another write-up. Okay. So, Daniel, what do you do for work? Dude, I work at a water store.

A water store? A water store is fucking weird, man. I love the dude that you threw in there. Dude, I work at a water store, dad. Will you tell all the people at Starbucks purchasing, never mind. What do you mean by a water store? Don't get away from me. Like, they sell, like, alkaline water, and it's for, like, $2.50 a gallon. Do you mean by a water store? Don't get away from me Like they sell like alkaline water

And it's for like $2.50 a gallon Do you ever drink any of it? Oh yeah all the time You look like you drink soda all day Mountain Dew Red I drink way more Mountain Dew than I'm proud of I drink about as much Mountain Dew as you would expect me to Mountain Dew Red or regular Mountain Dew?

Regular OG baby Hell yeah of course And you from LA? No, I'm from Dallas. Oh, cool. How long have you lived in LA? Like a month and a half. Wow. That's a new thing. Look at you. Just think, if you don't

make it in the next six and a half months, you gotta get the fuck out. Yeah. That's what happened to all of us. We gave up. Did you graduate from college? No, I dropped out in like a month. Hell yeah. What were you studying for that month? Well, I was going to go to film school,

but my parents made me go to community college. I had to take a bunch of remedial classes. And I dropped out. Very cool. I went to bean school and it was taxing, I'll tell you that much. I went to a different type of bean school. Hey! Clear it and smear it. I went to a different type of bean school. Hey.

Clear it and smear it. I'll count it. There you go. That's a Joelberg. So, Daniel, you're 22. What's that like from your perspective? If you could teach us guys something about the future, like what you kids are thinking about and talking about.

Well, I don't know, man. I just turned 22 like a week ago. Right, so then it makes it even more relevant of a question. I'm asking you, like, what do us older people need to know about your generation? What are you, a millennial? Is that what they call you? I guess. I'm not sure. Give me a job.

That's a better job. That's what they should do for younger people because water stores suck. You still a virgin? No. I give off that vibe. Yes, you do. You get laid a lot in the water business? No. What?

Water stores are right, though. I mean, it's better than most things. I guess. Water, it's not going to hurt you or anything, is it? Well, I's better than most things. I guess. It's water. It's not going to hurt you or anything, is it? Well, I have to just lie to people and tell them it's going to cure their illnesses all day. Oh, well, that's a scam, Waterstore. It's super fucked, yeah.

Wow, that's fucked up. Man, that is fucked up. They think that you have something that's going to cure their illness? Yes. What do they think you are? Oh, God. What are you, the guy at the end of the rainbow or something like that? You do sort of look like all the Notre Dame mascots.

That's fun. I don't know what to say. Yeah, I look pretty stupid, man. You got me. I'm a fucking jackass. Wow. Look how good that did. Look at them.

Look at them out there. They love it. You do. You look like a fucking bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. There's no doubt about it. You have a very unique, it's a likable thing. Like I said, I think you're going to be a fucking star, dude. And I'm always right.

100% of the time when I say that I think somebody's going to be a star. Except for my own career. I was never really spot on about that. No. So, Daniel, you're fucking 22. What's another fun fact that we would probably be interested to know about you? Anything else?

For example, both of my parents were in the mafia. Your turn. Both of my parents were. I don't know. I was adopted when I was like 17. Wow. So you literally are a red-headed stepchild. Oh, yeah, dude.

Holy shit. Wait. 17? So this is just a guy that wanted some young dick or something, right? Disgusting. Wow. Number three. Man.

So, 22-year-old, I'm sorry about the immaturity of the guy next to me. No, it's fun. I'm so sorry. This is 40. 17's a weird age to be adopted. It was a fucking weird thing, man. It was a whole deal. So were you at like a foster home when you were 17?

No. Okay, so basically. When did they decide they didn't want you anymore? How old were you then? Oh, like eight. Damn. So maybe you were a problem child. If we go down this road, it'll get sad?

No, no, not. Wait a second. Did you just turn into your evil form right then? No, that's. What was that giggle right there? I'm feeling attacked right now. Why? I don't know.

I don't. Why? The last guy told us about how his fucking baby mama got plowed. Poor guy left for five days and she took the fucking rail. So you're in a pretty good position. So you're eight years old. All of a sudden your mom dies. No, she's just doing meth-y stuff.

Oh, okay. That's awesome. I love that. That explains your Mountain Dew addiction. Yeah. And then your dad gets caught up in it, too, or you just couldn't handle the pressure? I don't know what he was doing. Right. He's out somewhere. And your foster parents, they were cool? I lived with, like, my aunt for most

of my childhood. Yeah. And then at one point, when I was like 17, I was like, fuck this. I'm going to drop out of high school and move to San Antonio to pursue stand-up comedy. Wow, at the age of 17. At 17. Where'd you go? LOL Comedy Club? I didn't do anything.

I dropped out of school, then slept on my friend's couch in Dallas. Sure. Fuck yeah. That's what 17-year-olds do. You smoked pot back then? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you're 17, sleeping on your buddy's couch,

fucking smoking pot, being a fucking round-headed, red-headed, baby face, little baby biscuit, little bag of biscuits, right? Life is good, and then what happens? I had this friend who, well, they're never gonna listen to this, so I can say,

so I had this friend, and his parents were like super fucking rich, man. Yeah. So his parents really liked me, so they're like, hey, you can move in with us and we'll adopt you if you just go back to school. Yeah. So I jumped on that chance because they had a hot tub, and that was pretty sweet. Fuck yeah. I love that. This is amazing.

You're doing it, dude. You're in it right now. This is what we love. The This is amazing. You're doing it, dude. You're in it right now. This is what we love. The trick is honesty. That's the first time we've ever had anyone say, I did it for the hot tub. I did. I was going to never go back to high school,

but when I saw that hot tub, I knew it was time. Will you do a selfie with me? I guess. I just want to have a picture of you with me in case I get depressed and I think of your life. Let's do it. I guess.

Wow. This is amazing. Selfies. I don't know how to work this phone. Dom Irer is getting a selfie with Daniel. Two of the most likable fucking heads In all of comedy right there

The adventures of Pete and Pete I can't believe how much Thanks Thank you man Hell yeah Epic So Daniel then what You ended up living with the rich parents

You got in the hot tub Life was good Yeah well the thing is So, Daniel, then what? You ended up living with the rich parents. You got in the hot tub. Life was good. Yeah. Well, the thing is, you take a 17-year-old with drug problems. When you say drug problems, are we talking about just pot? Well, pot. But then you just give a kid access to all of the money. He's going to do everything.

So what were you doing? Oh, man. Adderall, Xanax. I got into cocaine for a while. That was pretty fun. Well, get the fuck out of here, really? Look at you. Look at you.

Aren't you one of the most adorable fucking little cocaine 22-year-olds ever? Look at you giggling. Your shoulders go up like that and shit. You were doing fucking blow? Oh, yeah. Wow. I just can't really picture that and shit. You were doing fucking blow? Oh, yeah. Wow. I just can't really picture that.

Yeah. So then what happened? Well, I got kicked out after a while. Because they caught on to your charades. They caught on. They're like, we have a fucking evil little leprechaun living with us. Yeah.

He's fucking doing lines off the side of the hot tub every night. Thought we were helping this kid's fucking life. Turns out he's a goddamn demon seed. Yeah, no, so I got arrested. For what? Being adorable? Get on the fucking ground, you little shit.

I got DWI. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. What were you doing? Driving while inbred. I got DWI. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. So I got... What were you doing? Driving while inbred. Reset. Got it.

Oh, man. So how did you get a DWI? I just took a shit ton of Xanax, and then I woke up in jail. Because you black out. No, no. How were you driving? What were you doing when you got pulled over? I don't know.

I don't fucking remember, man. They didn't tell you? Of course they told you. No, I swear to God. I had one friend who was just as blacked out as me, and he said all he can remember was hitting a bunch of cones. And then apparently, and I don't know if this is true, apparently I was driving so bad a fire truck stopped me I

got pulled over by a fire truck that's fucking amazing you were so fucked up a fireman's like I gotta fucking get this shit right now. Dude, that's a bit right there, man. Yeah, I know it was. I was hesitant to tell the story because I didn't want to just do a bit. Dude, that's hilarious. You gotta do that. That's incredible.

Wow. That's a 15-minute chunk you can go into, man. Yeah, it's a 15-minute trunk. The next time I get to do 15 minutes, sure. Is there anything else more to that story Other than that other than the fire truck getting you Like did anything else crazy happen Or is that pretty much the

That was the gist of it That's all you really remember right So you got cleaned up after that No no After a while I cleaned myself up Like I got kicked out And then I did my own thing Did a bunch of cocaine for a while. That was pretty

fun. But then I wanted to do good at comedy. I started doing it when I was like 18. I fucked up a bunch and then I wanted to be good at it. So I started to narrow myself out. Let me tell you something, Daniel. If there's one thing

I learned in this business, just perform like there's a hot tub waiting for you on the other end. You know what I mean? Because there is. You get good enough. Dom has two hot tubs. Two different hot tubs. Can I come over?

You want to let this little fucking hot pocket? You want to let this hot pocket just fucking swell up in your hot tub, Dom? I'm not going to fucking adopt you. Stop looking at me like that. Yeah, Jesus. Just let him bounce around in your hot tub like a little fucking matzo ball that he is. You're cleaning freckles out of your pool filter. Wow.

Fucking, man, that was funny funny it was really shocking from that one ever since you were mean to that guy earlier I'm just like so Daniel alright well I mean I just think you're adorable you even dress like like how like people dress like

teddy bears and shit like that like it's like a little fresh yeah it's like little teddy bear shirt You even dress like how people dress like teddy bears and shit. Teddy fresh. Yeah, it's like a little teddy bear shirt, the fucking little different color pocket. Are you trying to fuck me, Tony? Tony does not try. He does.

Yeah, I can't talk about it. Sex with co-workers is not permitted. I guess I will now since it's so awkward. I actually found out I was trying to get a role for something. I won't say what because there's a slight chance that I might still slightly have a chance. But the character

the person, it's for the role of a gay person, which I've made fun of myself. Everybody makes fun. It's the first thing people make fun of about me is that I seem gay, I look gay. I make fun of myself all the time about it. And I was told that,

and I was really excited about this thing, and I was told that I've was really excited about this thing and i was told that uh they are that that i've been put on like the back of a list because they they have to try to hire an actual gay person i'm like they're like we're looking at gay comedians and actors first and i'm like wait a second wait a second i have to put my penis in a butt yeah like in order to get this role like but if i put my penis in a butt one time, then what? Then I have a chance at it? This is the fucking world we live in now?

Just get a PR agent and fuck them. That's all you have to do. We've actually come... That didn't make any sense. See what I mean? That makes sense. Why would I fuck... You wouldn't have to fuck a PR agent.

Because then you're gay. If you fuck your PR agent, you're gay. Then you'd get the job. But then why would it be a PR agent? You could just fuck... Because it's Hollywood. You're not gay. You're ambitious.

Anyway, here's my point, Daniel. Is that I found out that it helps my chances if I do fuck you. Let's get it going. I'm kidding. It's not worth it for this role. It's the first human interaction I've had in months. Let's go. Daniel, I fucking love you.

We spent perhaps a record length time of an interview with you. Really? Very interesting times. Good to meet you. You're only 22. You're going to be doing this for the rest of your life. You're going to get better and better, and you have a big likable vessel. Nothing's going to stop you.

There he goes. Daniel Magdon, everybody. He's got sweaty palms, that kid. That's an episode of Kill Tony right there. Wow! Unbelievable drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. That might be my favorite one ever. Look at that.

That's fucking incredible. Look at that fucking stud. DomIrera.com for tickets to see Dom do stand-up. He's in Vegas in November. Philly Helium, Thanksgiving. Long Island the week before that. We're going to Swansea, Massachusetts. If you're anywhere near the East Coast, make sure you're there on November 9th.

There's a massive Kill Tony and a stand-up show as well all in that night. 13th of November, San Antonio, 14th, Austin, Texas, 15th, Houston, Fort Worth, Texas, November 16th and 17th. And a Kill Tony on that 17th. And I'm in Dallas, Texas, New Year's Eve doing stand-up comedy. How about you make some noise for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. He has a brand new episode out of Jeremiah Wonders. It's my favorite podcast.

Who you got this week? We have the live podcast recording of Stand Up On The Spot that you and Red Band were on. Oh, that's right. I had a rough set that night. Red Band had a good one. I loved my set. Yeah, I had a rough one.

I was overly aware. I wasn't really in the zone that night, but we had a good one. I loved my salad. Yeah, I had a rough one. I was overly aware. I wasn't really in the zone that night. But we had some fun moments, right? It was good times, yeah. Yeah. And then Detroit and Toronto, I will be headlining there in December. So get your tickets at jeremiahwatkins.tv slash tour. Carl McGrath was here tonight.

He fucking nailed it with the Bowflex joke. It took a while, Tony, but you eventually got it. Hell yeah, I did. It was good. It was a thinker. Yes, yes, indeed. Wow. What did you think of tonight's episode?

You were definitely serving up laughs all night, Tony. Oh, my God. Hey, Tony, I have a new music video dropping either tonight or tomorrow, so just check me out on Instagram, and I will have that video up. Check him out at Chroma Chris. All one word. How about some noise for the one and only Joel Berg? Finally.

Final statistics for the night. The rest I deserve. He was, it was a wild one tonight. I believe he went about 20 and 20 and 10. It's all good. It's part of the business. You know what I'm saying? Maybe like 5 and 10 or something like that.

He had a record like the Cincinnati Bengals tonight. I love when Dom is on the show. This was a treat. I love having you here, Dom. Thank you, brother. Truly one of the greatest guests in the world. So much fun. I love it.

Shout out to Gino from Speedweed. I love you guys. Thanks for coming. Absolutely. Thank you to Speedweed for always being there for us and always being so much fun. And another fun times. I'm going to give a shout out to Real Good Foods. If you're on Keto Diet, check them out.

They just gave me a bunch of free shit right here in the audience. Hell yeah. You want to be interns from around the world, send in your fucking Kill Tony super videos. Tag us. Be creative. Take chances. Have fun with it. Make it your own. Let's do this shit.

You are all interns in spirit and in heart. Let's get it. Make us happy. The minimum, we'll all be friends and know each other. Thank you so much to the live audience. Thank you to Josh Martin, Ryan J. E. Belt, the great

Aphrodite's out there somewhere. See you guys. Good night, everybody. Alice Rose. Alice Rose Hamilton. Thank you.