KILL TONY - KILL TONY #306

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

Joel Jimenez, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/09/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit ConnectsOntario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. This week, we are going to be in Texas. Starting Tuesday, we're going to be in San Antonio, Texas, followed by Austin, Houston, and a weekend in Fort Worth, Texas. All these shows have comedy shows, also separate comedy shows.

It's going to be me and Tony Hinchcliffe, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt has a website. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. He has the Kill Tony book, the Kill Tony poster, and right now he has a sale. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website also.

Of course he does. It's 2018. Come on. Anyways, if you want to check out Tony and everything Golden Pony, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and it's the only place that you can get the Kill Tony shirt. We still have them in stock, but they're going fast. place that you can get the Kill Tony shirt.

We still have them in stock, but they're going fast. And all the Death Squad shirts and hats and mugs go to shopsquad.tv. And don't forget, deathsquad.tv always has everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions of other shows, and if you click on tour dates

you can see where we're going next. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Venus de Marlo, in Swatsea, Massachusetts, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Kill Tony East, make some fucking noise.

We are live here in beautiful Swansea, Massachusetts. Holy shit, everyone. Live from Venus de Milo. Who's excited to be here tonight, huh? We are the number one live podcast in the world. The great and powerful Brian Redband is here. What is up, guys? We have a real-life police officer over there

for the first time in Kill Tony's history. Yes, it's about fucking time. 306 episodes it took us to get an actual real-life police officer. There he is. So if anybody's thinking about acting up, you're wrong. I am pumped about this. A bunch of fucking east coast massachusetts dudes beards and backwards hats fucking everywhere a bunch of fucking black

hoodies and scary people all fucking talking with deeper voices than they actually have what are you talking about deeper voice than i actually have i'm excited to be here. We are filled up on fucking delicious Dunkin' Donuts and other fun things. I'm fucking pumped. Shout out to Michael Shannon,

a guy that made us a special bucket before this show. I can't really tell from where you are, but on this side, it's very heavily detailed work with each of all the cast members and even past cast members. So he's going to replace Ichabod's bucket

of destiny, not just for tonight, but we're taking this bad mamma jamma home with us to Los Angeles, California. Before we even start, let me give you a little fun fact about the show that we're doing tonight. Out of all the places we've gone, New York City, Toronto, Montreal, Boston, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Nashville, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco many, many a times.

This is, a little fun fact for you you a record-setting capacity amount of people believe it or not for one show kill tony east showed the fuck up i know a lot of you drove a long way to be here tonight and uh i know that for a fact because who the fuck lives in swansea massachusetts you know what I'm saying? So I am pumped. Thank you to Venus DeMilo for making this all possible. A lot of people said, what the hell are you guys doing at Venus DeMilo? Well, I'll tell you what.

I ate a three-pound lobster before this show, bitch. The best lobster we've ever had. So with that said, we would like to let you know that we have decided and we worked it out after eating the three- lobster that we are going to make this Swansea, Massachusetts, Venus de Milo. We are already making it a new annual event. So. Hiltoni is already coming back, motherfuckers. Mike Shannon on the bucket, Vanessa and the whole crew made it possible.

Chantel, A-Dog, Josh Justin, the whole Venus DeMilo crew, Monty, Monty Senior Monty Junior, Alan Arman, Mike Lexi, Noelle and Carol so it's fucking on like Donkey Kong with that said we are going guest list tonight we are with the

Bare Bones operation tonight. Jeremiah Watkins, still in L.A., taping a special thing that he's doing. So, you know. Yeah, you know what I mean. You know, he, you know. We sent him pictures of the lobster, though. And we heard one single gunshot from Los Angeles after that because he is a foodie.

However, we do have a special treat for you guys. You know him as the newest band leader of the Kill Tony band. The Jokemeister himself. Every week the band comes out in different characters. They commit to those characters throughout the episode. I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do, but he is here. He is indeed here. He's coming from the kitchen. I was warned before this. He was getting ready in the kitchen because I was in the green room. So let's see what's going to happen tonight.

Swansea, Massachusetts, I present to you the Kill Tony band and the band leader, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Whoa, what's this? What is this guy? Wow! What the fuck is up, Swansea? Yeah! This is obviously, for those of you listening to the podcast, Joel is some type of Pokemon or something.

What are you supposed to be? You want to get behind a microphone? I'm a fucking punk, Tony. What the fuck? You're a punk? You come all the way to Massachusetts and you're a punk? Yeah, dude. Yeah.

I love it. Okie dokie. I'll fuck your whole shit up right now, yeah. I love it. Okie dokie. I'll fuck your whole shit up right now, Tony. I mean, it's an interesting choice. I fucking love it. What lady did you steal that jacket from? Oh, what lady did you steal that jacket from? A very skinny one.

Well, I'm pumped that you're here. We're going to have fun. Let's just jump right into it. I have a brand new bucket filled with comedians' names. Oh, yeah. You know what? We have this other bucket. Backup bucket. We have a backup bucket and a little fun fact. One

person who comes up here tonight after everything, we're going to sign the bucket and give it to them as like a trophy. Whoever the audience likes the most tonight, I feel like is going to sign the bucket and give it to them as like a trophy. So whoever the audience likes the most tonight I feel like is going to win the bucket. So a little fun fact for you. Someone's going to win a god damn empty bucket.

Really something to look forward to. Who knows? Maybe everybody bombs tonight and we give it to the police officer at the end of the show. I have a bunch of names in this bucket. Everybody showed up to fucking make it here tonight. You know how it works. You get 60 seconds on stage, and then we interview you.

We talk with you about your life. How's the sound in the back, by the way? Everything crystal clear back there? Perfect. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds On stage to make us laugh You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten Aw, isn't that adorable What does that kitten sound like again?

Remind us one more time Oh, jeez, okay, there you go Wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry Swansea bear Wow Little fun fact for you. The safest staircase is that way. So even if you're sat on that side of the room,

if your name gets called, walk in front of the stage and go up that staircase there. That's it. You guys ready for this? Huh? Here we go. One of the hardest spots on this show is going up first. Shout out, by the way.

I see we have the real life actual Santa Clauses in the audience. Stand up. Stand up. Take a bow. Wave to those people. All the way from the motherfucking North Pole, ladies and gentlemen, he decided to come to Swansea, Mass, of all places for Kill Tony East.

Alright, so here we go. Santa's in the crowd. We got Joel Berg, Red Band. This is Kill Tony. And the person kicking it off with 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Patrick Burke. Here we go. Here he comes. And it has begun. The show is underway.

One more time for Patrick Burke, everybody. Here we go. Can you hear me? Can anyone hear me? Alright, yeah. Oh, there's a lot. It is definitely record setting. So, have you ever really looked back on shit that your dad did and you're kind of fucking weirded out by it?

So, I was on a middle school basketball team and all the kids used to pull my dad's pants down. It was like a thing they did, and you look back, and he wasn't weird about it, but it's just like one of those things you look back like, what the fuck would you do? If a bunch of 12-year-olds are just pulling your pants down for two hours when you're trying to teach them basketball,

I don't know how I'd react, but I think he handled it pretty well, but it's still kind of weird that he did that, just even bothered with it, I don't know. Yeah, thank you. So porn's pretty cool. I think porn's pretty cool. It's really the only medium that you can break the fourth wall constantly. You know, you're just looking at the camera the whole time.

If everyone did that in a fucking movie, the movie would be bizarre. Yeah, I'm on Rosetta Stone. Okay, that's fine. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Okay, Patrick, let's just jump right into it. It is indeed, indeed record setting.

Thanks, yeah. I love that that was the first words out of your mouth. It's always fun when somebody finally gets up here. I feel like they prepare and they prepare and they prepare and then they get up here and the first thing out of their mouth is something that they never possibly could have prepared for. Yeah. Record setting indeed.

Was this your first set? First time ever. First time ever doing stand-up comedy. Yep. Boom. All right. So let's talk about it. Sure. Did you say that the kids would pull your dad's pants down?

Yeah, pantsing was like a big thing. With your dad? Not, kind of involuntarily, but it was a big thing in middle school, just pulling other kids' pants down. Is your dad Jerry Sandusky? No, but he is Catholic. He is Catholic, indeed. A bunch of 12-year-olds pulling down his pants.

Yep. So that's true, huh? Yeah, it's very true. Have you ever asked him about it? Have you ever said, Dad, what's the deal with you letting me and all my friends pull your pants down all the time? Why was that a running thing?

Was there ever times where he didn't wear underwear and he was just like, gotcha! No, no, he did not, no. No, he always had, what, tighty-whities on? He was actually definitely a tighty-whitey guy. Tighty-whitey guy. My dad's an old white man, so that's his thing. Hell yeah.

Wow. What do you do for work, Patrick? I work in human resources. Human resources for what company? Let's get you fired right now. Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to say that. I don't know if I'm going to say that. Okay, how long have you been doing that for?

About three years. How old are you? 24. 24. John Goodman's looking younger and younger. I am. Thank you. Yeah, you're looking pretty John Good, man.

So, Patrick, you said 24. Yep. So what have you been doing with your life other than working human resources, which I feel like is a weird job for a 24-year-old to have. Yeah, it is. Firing people older than you all day long. Yes. Yep.

What do you do for fun? I play in a band. Oh, really? Yep. What instrument do you play? I play guitar. Oh, shit. Is that true?

I thought you just sat around yelling yabba-dabba-doo all day. No. Do you really? You play, like, electric guitar? Yeah, I do. Really? Yes. Would you mind giving us a little sample of what it sounds like?

It just so turns out that we have an electric guitar right fucking behind you. Are you going to play? You do a good job. You might just be joining the fucking band tonight, Patrick Burke. Yeah, fuck you, Jeremiah Watkins. We got Patrick Burke who talks about how his dad's a pedophile. Come on, Patrick, fucking hit it. Give us a little something.

Let's say you want to make the girls, you know, fall in love with you. What would you... All right, all right. Well, I mean, I don't know. The people seem to I mean, I don't know. The people seem to love it. I don't know. Joel, what do you think? What are your thoughts on that?

You're the music specialist. You're a punk. Supposedly. He looks like a street fighter character tonight. Yeah, he does. Which one is it, Blanca or something? I may have used this wig a few times on the show. That's what it is. That's the Blanca wig.

That's exactly right. It's hard to find Mohawk wigs! Oh my god. Joelberg looks like a guy that just got fired from his job in a construction zone. that just got fired from his job in a construction zone. So Patrick, it seems like your old, white, tidy, whitey-wearing dad taught you how to play guitar, right? That was sort of like a very Beach Boys riff that you just made up here.

Yeah, it was just something simple. You know, didn't want to do anything crazy. You didn't want to get too deep? Nope, didn't want to get too emotional. Yabba dabba boo. Oh, thank you. Oh, I love it. So you're a 24-year-old.

You play guitar. You have a girlfriend? I do, yep. Yeah? How long have you been with her? Wilma. Four years. Wow, four years.

We met in college. Damn, you met in college. Where'd you go to college at? Stonehill. It's in Easton. Stonehall. It's in Easton. Stonehill. Stonehill in Easton. Stonehall. It's in Easton. Stonehill in Easton.

Okay. Flintstone Hill? They just keep coming. Uh-oh. Joelberg's warming up. Look out. Yeah, that's good. Wow. So Patrick, you know, if you had any words of wisdom

for, you know, someone that might be too afraid to sign up, that might be thinking about signing up for next year's Kill Tony East? What would you tell them

right now? You have a guitar around your neck. You have a big smile on your face. Yes, I do. Yeah, this was good. It's a record-selling...

It's a record-selling crowd. Yeah, I did mention that. I don't know. I was nervous as shit, but this is a lot of fun, so I don't know. Just go for it. Fuck yeah. Well, there

you go. Patrick Burke, ladies and gentlemen, getting the party started. Look at him. A normal fucking plain-ass white guy right there. There he goes. Wearing the classic fucking white guy flannel.

Just playing it safe like you do up here in the fucking New England territories. What do you mean I'm playing it safe? I'll fuck you up, dude. I'll fucking fuck you up, dude. You have no fucking idea, dude. You fucking L.A. people with your fucking airplanes and shit. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket.

You guys having fun out there? Your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Renee Stanko. Here we fucking go. Here she comes. Hey, guys. hey guys all right hey so stanko's a great name right yeah no one asked me um but i always wanted to be like a designer or an artist but uh stanko's not uh dior chanel you know who's gonna who's gonna buy Stanko number five, right? What's that going to smell like?

That's going to smell like an IBS disaster in your local Starbucks. We passed a couple of those on the way from Beacon. It was great. So my Uber driver told me that his Chinese tattoo meant trust no one. I was like, that's convenient because you trust strangers every day. So good for you. So my healthcare is pretty bad.

The last breast exam I had was at LaGuardia. I was like, can you check this one more time? It always feels like a bag of rocks to me. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Renee Stanko. I need to keep this. All right.

That was fun. So you did it. How do you feel? I feel pretty good. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. About a year. About a year.

All here in Swansea at Venus de Milo? This. Actually, I'm from the Hudson. Well, I live in Beacon, so I mostly do stand-up. I don't know. By the way, you could say Beacon, Easton, Sheboygan. I have no fucking idea. Really, guys.

Unless you tell me the amount of minutes in north, south, east, or west, I have no fucking idea what any of you are talking about. Alright, so I live in the Hudson Valley. It's an hour and a half north of New York. Okay, perfect. Hudson Valley. Hell yeah. That's where Sully Sullenberger landed the plane or some shit like that.

Very talented people. I love it. It must be near Snoozeville. Wow, Joelbert going for the jugular right away. I'm a punk, Tony. I don't care. Wow, I guess we're doing good cop, bad cop tonight. Renee Stanko.

Stanko. Is that your real last name? It is. Lucky. It's unfortunate. Stanko. Stanko. Is that your real last name? It is. Lucky. It's unfortunate. Stanko. You don't have to be very creative to just run away with it. Do you have a joke about that?

Because that seems very obvious to do a joke about that. Yeah. You think my last name's Stanko. You should smell this pussy. What? Like, that's a good one. Actually, I get told I smell really well all the time. Wait, guys tell you all the time that your pussy smells good?

Yeah. Wow. Damn. How many different guys have told you that? Like fresh cucumbers. Fresh cucumbers? Like Dove has contacted me and they're like, can we get that scent? I was like, I don't think so.

Wow. I love that you think Dove is the go-to for scents. Up in the Hudson Valley, that's the perfume of the pros, the old dove. So how long have you been dating guys without noses? They're really easy to find around the Hudson Valley. They fall off mountain ridges and stuff. Yeah. valley they fall off like mountain ridges and stuff yeah uh so uh renee yes let's jump right into it uh what do you uh what do you do for a living um i'm an office manager at an like arts

facility like a magazino italian art is that in the Hudson Valley? It is. It's in Cold Spring. We do like 1960s. I fucking love Cold Spring. One of my favorite places, you know, Easton, Cold Spring, Hudson Valley, doobity, dippity, bibbity, boop. Giggity, giggity, giggity. So, Renee, you said that a lot of guys tell you that.

How much, like, you hook up with a lot of guys? Oh, you know, just your average amount. Come on. Honesty. I don't know if you've seen this show before, but honesty works best. Like, if you're like, if you said 15 guys a month, the whole place would go crazy right now. Like, let me ask you something. You see that cop standing over there?

What would you do to that guy? I would try to abide by the law and just make sure that I understood all my rights. Oh, I think he'd make sure you understood all your wrongs. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah. I think we'd have another innocent person being shot at tonight. You know what I'm saying? Fuck yeah. I think we'd have another innocent person being shot at tonight, you know what I'm saying?

How much of the nightstick do you think you can take? Come on. Like a fresh cucumber amount? Yeah. I work out. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Officer, you down for this? Cuff this bitch.

Let's do it right now. Who wants to see her have sex with a police officer? You guys are the craziest audience of all time. This guy's throwing up Hitler signals for some reason. What the fuck, dude? I have no idea what's going on. Sit down, sir. Sit down.

Before I have Santa Claus spin your train. Sit down before we move you. All right. So, Renee, you know, this doesn't all have to be about sex. Okay. What's the...

What do you do for fun? I paint. I do oil painting. Yeah? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. You do oil painting.

You work at an art supply store. I mean. I like to go hiking. I don't know. A lot of other. When's the last time you were in a mosh pit? Oh, okay, so I was at this hardcore concert, and I got the most violent lap dance of my entire life.

I'm listening. I was... Say it slower. All right. So I was sitting in the corner, and this guy comes over, and he's thrashing, and I'm sitting there minding my own business, and he's thrashing over there. And then all of a sudden, his butt is right on my face.

And I spilled my drink, and I'm like, this is kind of sexy, but I feel like I'm in danger. I have no idea what you just said. Fuck yeah. All right, Renee. Well, I mean, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, thank you. You did it. I'm glad that you got up here.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming out, guys. There she goes. Renee Stanko, everybody. One year in the game here on Kill Tony. It's all happening. We just had a real punk band come in at some point during that. It's all happening. We just had a real punk band come in at some point during that.

We have this coked up table here in the front trying to figure out what the fuck's what. And you back there, no, don't stand up. We're going to have to move this guy right here if there's somebody. We're literally going to have to move you, sir, if you stand up again. Yeah, if you do anymore. Don't stand up. Don't try to be funny. You're not part of the thing.

I promise you. You're blocking the camera. That right there. Don't put your hand up either. No, don't do anything. Just sit there. No, don't do that either. We're literally going to have to absolutely move you.

We don't want to do that. So just listen to us. Wow, really? Yeah, because you're in between the camera and the show. I don't think you realize, you're part of something bigger than what you're used to right now. Yeah, there you go. Now you get it.

Fuck yeah. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jonathan Alves. Jonathan, your last name begins with an A and ends with an S, and you sort of have shitty handwriting. Yep, looks like you. Come on up. Keep coming, baby. You're almost there.

Walk that way. Sure, shortcut. Look out. One more time for Jonathan, everyone. Come on. I never seemed to fit in anywhere. Like when I was growing up, I lived with my mom and she lived in the suburbs. Then when I would go to my dad, it was like in the hood, in the trap house. So when I'm at my mom it was like in the hood in the trap house so when I'm at my mom I got bedtime she's making me read Harry Potter I got dinner time then

when I go to my dad's my cousins teaching me how this, not teach me, but just selling drugs, got me on the block. But growing up, now I don't fit in because I'm not about that life. Like, when I'm in the car with them, like I can't be around them also I come from an incest family fuck yeah buddy that's it brutal honesty there at the end Fuck yeah, buddy. That's it. Brutal honesty there at the end by Jonathan. That's what the show's all about, right?

You're damn motherfucking right it is. That is exactly what the show is all about. You absolutely got it. What is your last name, just so that I know? Mars. What? Mars. Bruno Mars.

Oh, okay, yes. Bruno Mars, ladies and gentlemen so what's your last name owls owls yeah all right absolutely so jonathan owls let's talk about the uh let's talk about the family incest thing for a second uh what do you mean by that um i'm growing up like when i was growing up my mom was like really mad at my dad. They were like broken up. When I found out the real story, my dad, he like moved to Cape Verde when she was in college. Moved to what? Cape Verde. That's a country off like Africa. Oh, oh, okay. I thought it was just above the Hudson Valley. Yeah, it was like colonies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But like like, he went there, and while he...

Get right into that tip of that microphone. Yeah. And while he was there, he met, like, a beautiful woman, his first cousin. Uh-huh. Oh, shit. Yeah. And had two beautiful daughters.

Oh, shit. Yeah. And then when he came back back my mom wasn't happy wow he went there went to cape bird for what was he originally going there for for work to visit i have no idea how old were you when he went to cape bird how old are you now um can i ask you a question how old do you think I am? I ask this to everybody. Okay, I'll answer correctly. I'll guess 23. 21.

Wow. 24. Okay. I just turned 24. You just turned 24. How recently? August. August.

Okay, very good. I'll still say that I'm correct by guessing 23 on that. So if you had to guess a ballpark of how old you were when your dad went and started fucking his cousin how old would you guess you were if you had to guess a little ballpark probably like 3 3 years old and your dad's like

oh it's cousin fucking time now your dad is African-American. He's Cape Verdean, but basically yeah, but Cape Verdean's like, it's like a country that was like colonized by Portuguese, so it's like a bunch of different shit mixed in.

So like Cape Verdeans, they come in like super dark skin, super white like your color. It's crazy. You ever talk to any of your cousins that uh your dad made or i guess i guess like your sisters or your cousins whatever or both um um yeah yeah i see them around yeah where do you see them around a lot um well now recently because um now i'm back living at the house because i used to live with my girlfriend but that ended why why'd that end

how long were you with your girlfriend for? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. Why did it end? I think we just got together too young, I guess. Too young? It got stagnant, I guess. Yeah?

How did you know it started getting stagnant? What do you mean? She got real mad when I brought up one day I was one of threesome. Then she was like, oh, you want to go fuck other bitches, blah, blah, blah. You're like, no, they're not bitches. They're my cousins. I don't do any of that. I don't do any of that.

No, we know. We know you don't fuck your cousins. Man. So now you're back at the house is it your mom's house um no my mom moved to orlando your mom moved to orlando hell yeah the place where uh where people go after their husband fucks their cousin um the magical land of orlando the happiest place on earth second to only only Cape Bird, obviously. And so you live with your dad?

Yeah. Wow. And do his daughters live there? When you get into arguments with them, you ever just like, bitch, you're fucking an incest baby. No, I try to be nice to them because they're like having problems. So I try to be like...

What kind of problems are they having? Shut the fuck up, ladies. Jesus Christ. I mean, this is not... By the way, no. Are you ready for this? By the way, guy... Hey, look at me.

Guy with his hands up like, I got nothing to do with them. Yes, you do. You brought them here. Control the women that you're hanging out with. You want to look cool? Be the guy with the girls at the Venus

I want to bring the ladies sit with me I got us a table at the front you control them you control yourself you are fully responsible I will make you and the proud boy both move to the back of the room okay

you get fucking one warning with me. This ain't no fucking Bill Belichick bullshit where you're gonna get away with murder every year. It ain't fucking happening. Yeah, I said it! I'm trying to talk to this inbred motherfucker. I'm trying to talk to this inbred motherfucker. Speaking of which, the stuffed lobster is also inbred.

Highly recommend it. Three pound, three pound inbred crumbs. Not keto. Not keto at all. For those of you wondering, I think now is a good time to announce Brian is officially off his keto diet. Fuck that keto. Wow. It took the lobsters of Swansea to push him off the wagon.

My goodness, I love it. All right, back to you, Jonathan. Well, man, have you ever done stand-up before? This is my first time ever. First time ever. First time ever. And here you are. You listen to the show a lot. I could tell by what you talked about. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful, man. You fucking did it. You know, one of the things, you know, just like, you know, you see a lot of people, people do this for years and years and years and they get into a high pressure situation

and they come up and they flub, they let the energy get to them, they overthink it, and just like with anything, the battle of this show is within yourself. It's taking everything that you've listened to and learned and fucking applying it all at once, and guess what, bud? You did it tonight.

His father fucked his first cousin. One more time for Jonathan Oz, everybody. You did it. There he goes, Jonathan. This guy refuses to take stairs. There he goes. Jonathan, everybody. Just a walking fire hazard.

I fucking love it. It's all going down here We had a wifi crash If anybody who decided to plug into the wifi When they got here Wants to get back on your phone and turn off the wifi We'd appreciate it We have a full blown wifi crash

Live from the Venus to Milo So if that's happening No big deal It's just going to be Joel playing music for you. And that's it. You know, everything's positive and fun. We're moving forward. How many of you like when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like to watch people fail? Wow. I knew that. Yeah, that's incredible. A lot of hatred up here in bitter cold New England territory. Hold on, everybody. The Crimes of Griswold has to get another drink. The hipster Hamburglar.

That was Johnny Depp. Hamburglar. There he goes. Officer, if you want to arrest that guy, feel free. If you just want to spray him with mace for being a... I don't know... I want to press charges on his hat. My goodness. Yes, can I have another parrot on my shoulder, please?

All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Nick Anthony, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes, right from name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Nick Anthony, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes. Right from the middle of the room. Nick Anthony. Coming down the long, dark hallway of the Venus de Milo. Award-winning clam chowder here, by the way.

I don't know if the kitchen's still open, but highly recommend getting a fucking cup of the chowder. One more time for Nick Anthony, everyone. All right. All right, so I went to the Gay Pride rally for the first time this year. Yeah. And I had never gone before

because, you know, I was raised homophobic. But I had a really good time. I mean, those people there, what a party. And they really don't even give a shit if you call them those people. Unlike this black power rally I went to. I mean, those people. They're angry. Maybe if the Black Panthers tried handing out molly and glitter,

one day they could have their own bathroom too. One day they could have their own bathroom too. You're not supposed to say retarded anymore. But what if you use it as a compliment? Like a positive. Like, I went out to eat at the Venus de Milo the other night. Oh, how was it? Dude, the specials.

They were retarded. Oh, I just went to the Pats game. Oh, how was it? Dude, it was fucking retarded. I just went to the Pats game. Oh, how was it? Dude, it was fucking retarded. I volunteered at the Special Olympics last weekend. Oh, how was it? Dude, it was rewarding. Yes, sir. Very rewarding.

What was that last punchline blatantly set up for that exact moment? Special Olympics, it was... Rewarding. Rewarding. I fucking love it. Nick, that was a great set. You did it. That's what killing Tony feels like.

You've done this before, right? Yeah, of course he has. For sure. How long have you been doing stand-up? Coming up on two years. Coming up on two years. Coming up on two years. Hell yeah. I loved it.

You came out and you spoke positively about going to a gay rally and you set up the misdirect for your hatred of black people perfectly. Yes, sir. None of us ever saw it coming. The old fucking bait and switch. Oh. I love it. I love it.

I love it. How long have you hated black people for? Pretty much my whole life. I'm not asking you. I'm asking the police officer standing right over there. No, I'm kidding. That's a joke. That's a joke. Shit, he didn't smile at that one.

I'm just kidding, sir. I love you, man. Please do not arrest me after this. One more time, just so he knows it's all jokes here. Make some noise for this awesome police officer. It's a fucking, it's a crazy time to be a police officer. We all love you and appreciate your civic fucking work. It's amazing.

Thank you. Hell yeah. So, Nick, let's talk about it. Even though it's standing for a couple years, what do you do for work? I sell plumbing supplies. You sell plumbing supplies? Yeah. Oh, my God.

What a shitty job that is. Yep. What kind of supplies are you selling? Plungers? No. Toilets. Boilers. Toilets. Boilers. Toilets.

Boilers. What was that? Boilers. Boilers? Boilers. Fucking furnaces. Toilets. Boilers.

Boilers. Like if we went anywhere else in America one more time I'm sorry. Boiler. Again just please

one more time. Boiler. Can we see your crack? Do you have it? Do you have the plumber's Salesman's crack? We don't want to see that, do we? You want to get him? No, it's okay

Show them, not us I want to see if Santa gives her Oh no, Santa said we're being naughty He gave the naughty signal. Oh no, now the cop's going to arrest him for possession. Yes, crack possession. If I had Wi-Fi, it would be Cherry Pie that it would be playing at that point. The song, Cherry Pie.

Hell yeah. So, Nick, you've been selling plumbing supplies for how long? Not long, just six months. Six months. What'd you do before that? Uh, I was working on a farm. I was caddying for like 20 years. Wow.

And now look at you. Now you're up for attorney general. I'm pretty sure that, uh, Chris Christie is in the running. Uh, what do you like to do for fun, Nick? Uh, I play in a band. Oh, really? What do you, what instrument do you, Nick? I play in a band. Really? What instrument do you play? Guitar.

Really? Yeah. Oh, well, I guess there's only one thing to fucking do. Oh, fuck. Let's see what the sweet sounds of Nick Anthony on this electric sound like. Joel, can you give us some volume? Maybe some volume on that amp so that we can hear

them. And Nick, can you step up to this microphone up here? Nick, step up to the microphone. Oh, okay. Okay, that's good. I can't hear anything. Wow. Damn.

All right. Wow. Very impressive. You play guitar like someone much skinnier than yourself. Normally when fat guys play guitar, it's more of like a rhythm and blues or something like that, but that was more of like a punk or something like that.

Yeah, hardcore band. I feel like you like moshed potatoes. Oh, God. What is your favorite food, Nick Anthony? I like steak. Yeah? But seafood is my shit. What's your favorite kind of seafood?

Besides lobster, I'll slam down some clams. Hell yeah. How many, if you had to guess, what the most amount of clams you could eat in one sitting or have eaten, what would you guess that that amount is? My buddy had a wedding in Prudence Island. I definitely ate, like, over 100 clams. You ate over 400 clams?

No, over 100. Oh, I heard 400. I mean, 100 is still very impressive. We were taking shots of tequila with clams and hot sauce in them. So I probably had like 12 of those. Wow. Fuck yeah. I know a stank hoe with a nice clam if you want to eat a little later.

Fuck yeah. How do you like to prepare your clams? Do you like them broiled or do you like to put them in the boiler? I like them boiled. I like them raw. Yeah. Wow. Look at you. Oh, baby, I like it raw. Well, Nick, you did it tonight.

I think so far that's the set of the night. You're the frontrunner. You're the frontrunner right now to win an empty bucket. Thank you, guys. Just to let you know. And you don't look like you've ever run your entire life, but you're the front runner right now. Nick Anthony, everybody. There he goes.

Don't tighten it too hard. Jesus. You're like a fucking plumbing salesman out there. Oh, my God. What do you think that is? A fucking water rota? Is it a help boat? A boiler? You trying to roto our ruta?

This fucking guy. I sell the toilets, the boilers. Who boils their toilet water? No, I think that was two separate things. That'd be so great. This next person has a cool name. Make some noise for Atticus Allen. Atticus Allen Atticus Allen

Here he comes How's it going everybody Yeah my mom gave me that name From the inside of a Jeep Grand Wagoneer It smelled like cat piss And it was, I think she was masturbating to Gregory Peck.

But I'm not a hipster. I'm an artist. I have a Volvo 240. I had one. And I'm in a band. Two of them, actually. And also, what else?

I work at a coffee shop like once every other month. But I'm an East Coast artist, man. I'm not like these guys. I'm thinking about like dive bars and stuff. These guys, they're thinking about stucco siding. They're thinking about 1995 Windows Microsoft Impact typefaces. They're thinking about Comic, SAMS, MS, man. These are the greatest hipsters of the West Coast people,

and I take my hat off to them, my six-panel hat. I know you guys have those over here, but anyway. Atticus Allen. What the fuck? Wow, you thought that was going to go a lot differently than it did, huh? Yes, sir. Let me make a correction to you, to something you said. You are not an artist.

You are a hipster. Did you try to roast our font before that? Because, by the way, a little fun fact, this was made by my friends from Providence, Rhode Island. This font is not a West Coast hipster font,

you son of a bitch. It was made right here where you're from. So how long have you been... That's Impact, by the way. Yeah. Atticus, step up to the microphone. How long have you been... That's impact, by the way. Yeah. Atticus, step up to the microphone. How long have you been a temp pizza delivery driver? I had that job for two hours. Yeah.

What do you really do for work? I'm in a couple of bands, and I'm a graphic designer. What instrument do you play? Guitar. Oh my god. Oh Jesus Christ. Can I borrow a lighter? Why? What would that do?

What would you do? I'm going to slide it on it. I'm not going to use it. I just want to be different. Joel, what do you think? I wanted to see his face so I know what to make fun of in a bit. All right. I mean, okay. I guess maybe the third time's the charm.

It sounded like everybody so far has played air guitar up here tonight. I'm sitting over here and I can barely hear it. But Johnny Depp has a lighter he's ready to throw you if you want that over there. Here he is. All right, get back to your seat, Johnny Depp. Don't soak it in too much, you motherfucker. Oh, wow. That actually sounds good.

Oh, shit. Oh, damn. Atticus is about to get his dick sucked. All right, all right, we get it. Atticus, for those of you not paying attention, Atticus is the first person tonight that actually knew how to play the guitar. Congratulations, Atticus is the first person tonight that actually knew how to play the guitar. Congratulations, Atticus. You must make all the

unwilling women's pussies wet. Yeah. I'm always that guy there at the end of the night. I bet you are. I bet you are. I didn't know they had Armenians in Massachusetts. Atticus, how tall are you? This is sort of a deceptive stage.

Yeah, I was thinking about this the other day. You were thinking about it? You've been thinking about this every day of your life, Atticus. When I got my license, I put 5'8", but I wasn't sure, so I've just gone with that. I promise you, you're definitely not 5'8", at all. I think Joel Berg's a solid... What are you, Joel? 5'6", 5'7". 5'6". definitely not 5'8 at all. I think Joel Berg's a solid...

What are you, Joel? 5'6, 5'7. 5'6. I'm 5'8. And he just towered over you like Andre the Giant. Man, Atticus, you're a liar. Man, so you really are. You are...

The funny thing is, anytime anyone says I'm not a hipster, that automatically means that they're a hipster. But we knew that about you. You're wearing five layers of jackets and shirts. So what else is hip about you? What else are you into? You play guitar with a lighter.

You're overall unlikable. You like to take shots. You like to take shots at people that are giving you the opportunities of your entire lifetime. What else? Well, I discovered this art because I wanted to try something a little different that not many people know about. It's called jiu-jitsu. Yeah, no one knows about that, you fucking idiot. Yeah, not at all.

How many of you have heard? One out of three of us does jiu-jitsu. Yeah, and I'll give you a hint of us does jujitsu. Yeah. And I'll give you a hint. It's not this one. No. I have two shih tzus. Two shih tzus?

It's like jujitsu. That was good. It's like jujitsu. That was a good one. I like it. Wow. So let me ask you, how long have you been getting your ass beaten jujitsu for? About four years.

Wow. That's cool. You're a hip guy. What color belt are you? I'm a deep blue. I feel like anything you say, even when you're just being honest, it comes across so douchey. It's unbelievable.

I can't believe Santa's letting one of his elves sign up for this show tonight. It's very impressive. Wow. You look like Quentin Tarantinslow. I guess so. I guess we'll give you that. Atticus. Interesting that the word Atticus is in your name

for a guy that looks like he'll always live in a basement. What else, man? What else do you do for fun? You're in jujitsu. You clearly play guitar. What else? You do some type of other weird arts where you paint with your feet or something like that?

Yeah, I'm into more like making posters, graphic design, and making art for my band. That's why I'm in a band. What's the name of your band? I'm in two bands, actually. One's called The Little Compton Band, and one's called Los Tutorinos.

Wow. Do you sing for any of those bands? Do you ever do any vocals? Yes, sir. Can you give us a little example of one of your songs? Just a little fucking ten second moment. Something where you belt something out so that we could see what you got going

on in that voice box of yours. This is like James Franco trying to... There must be a sentimental reason for all of this Coming from that side of you that says ignorance is bliss You can fold my laundry, but you can't fold my dreams Put me in your spandex, honey, we're busting at the seams Wow, look at that.

We brought this lady here so that she could take you away in this bus box. We're going to push you away in a busboy box now. Wow. You cannot fold my dreams, but you can fold my laundry. All right. I mean, Jesus, you're a hateful person even lyrically. It's incredible. Did you already ask, are you dating anyone?

Do you have problems with women? Or are you pretty successful? Are you dating anyone? Follow-up question, do you have problems with women? I could just see that. Of course, yeah. He seems like he'd be very insecure. Yeah.

Yeah, I found a girlfriend when I was in high school, and I still have her ten years later. Wow. Hell yeah. Just barely. Trapped in a box in his basement. Ten years a slave, yeah. All right, well.

Well, Atticus, it was nice to meet you. Fun times. You're a cool dude. You're damn right. You're taking advantage of this beautiful world we live in where you can learn how to do cool things like fucking play guitar and take chances singing and doing stand-up

and shit like jujitsu, and I respect the hell out of that. There he goes. Atticus Allen, everybody. Oh, shit. Johnny Depp's looking for his lighter. You would think he could just make one appear out of thin air the way this guy looks, but clearly he's going to need that. Those light bulbs don't smoke themselves.

You know what I'm saying? All right. Another name pulled out. Let's do it. Michael Shulman. Michael Shulman. Michael Shulman. Michael, the bucket of destiny has called you. A bunch of people just got up and won.

Here he comes, wearing the classic Swansea flannel that we've seen so many times here tonight. The old Swansea Batman suit. That softer side of Sears. Here he is. The epitome of New England. Michael Shulman everybody. Woo! I bet you guys didn't think that you

were going to get two guys dressed in red flannel in their mid-twenties who work in HR. This is Massachusetts, baby. So, wow. So I graduated school a little bit ago. Got my degree in political science. Yeah, I guess, you know.

political science. Yeah, I guess. You know, I guess I'm more qualified than all of you to be disappointed. But I promised myself that I would not get political tonight if my name got picked out

of the bucket. But these mass shootings that you guys, we hear it all over the media. The one that just happened in California at that country bar. I mean, it's crazy. I heard that some of those people who were at those... You can finish all the way. Go ahead.

Who was at that shooting was also at the Las Vegas shooting like a year ago at that country music festival. So, you know, I'm just hoping to God that we can come together as a country and get some common sense gun legislation. I still, even though, yes, the bear played, yes, guitar, applause, sure.

I still want to know. Get the fuck to it. Go. You still want what? I got to know what the fuck you're getting at here. I'm just hoping that we can come together as a country and put some common sense legislation down to ban country music. There you go. Fuck yeah.

Finally got there. But the country music, I got the Vegas one, but what about, was there country music at the college party? Is that the thing? It was a country bar. It was a country bar. I gotcha. One more time for Michael Shulman, everybody.

Dude, you look like if Gerard Butler was a butler. Michael, I actually really, really liked your set. You came in and you took your time and you acknowledged something. You spent your first 10 or 15 seconds acknowledging that you're dressed like another guy, mid-20s HR. You're talking about yourself and something that happened tonight. That's why I sort of wanted to give you some extra bonus time but i didn't realize you had a two and a half minute long shooting joke coming our way uh but i did really like your set i wish that last joke was a little bit faster um i don't know if it's worth all that weight i think you need to get to it faster

the some of the people at the vegas shooting that was at a country concert were at the country bar that got shot. We need to finally once and for all ban country music. But I still don't think it has all the bang that it needs to be a full joke. But I still like that you went for it. Again, that's something from two days ago that you're writing about already. So I respect that. It's pretty interesting, too, that it happened at two country concerts. I'm going to guess this is one of your first times doing stand-up comedy. And it's pretty interesting, too, that happened at two country, you know, concerts.

I'm going to guess this is one of your first times doing stand up comedy. This is my absolute first absolute first time. Like I said, real balls making fun of something that happened tonight minutes ago with the other guy, you know, coming up. I called out the flannel shirt. But for you to acknowledge the H.R. thing and get it out of the way, you had really good pacing and timing, and you're writing jokes about shit that happened a couple days ago, that's awesome. So let's find out more about you, Michael Shulman. You're really in your mid-twenties?

I'm 20. I just turned 25 all of a sudden. No fucking way. I know. It's a beard. It's a beard. Is it the beard? Probably, right? Yeah, I'm only 25. Maybe you should shave the beard. You think so? I mean, do you want to look like a 45-year-old? Yeah. It's up to you.

I mean, you could always wait 20 years and just do it for real. Do you have a weak chin under that beard or something? Yeah, you got a little fucking baby chin. A little chin, a little gobbler. You got a little fucking Jeremiah nose under that chin. A little fucking under beak. A little bit. Yeah?

You got a big chin? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, a weak chin. He has a weak one. Weak chin, yeah. A little bit. Yeah? You got a big chin? Is that what you're saying? No, a weak chin. He has a weak one. Weak chin, yeah. The beard helps. So, Michael, you work in HR, so we can't talk about that, right?

It's already been done. It's already been done. No, that guy didn't talk about it either. He wasn't willing to throw his career under the bus for this show. How about you? Are you? Sure.

Let's go for it. Really? Where do you work HR at? I. Let's go for it. Really? Where do you work HR at? I hope there's nobody. They are. They are. I don't want to do it to you.

Forget it. There are people listening. Just make a similar, like if it's McDonald's, say Wendy's. So I work at a big, big multinational corporation that exists in Massachusetts. Do they have a rival

that you could say that you work for them? Yes. I work for Ross Dress for Less. Oh! I like that. So you work HR. Is that where you got that shirt?

Boom! Right, man? He did it! Wow, you actually have your access key card attached to your waist still. Did you notice that? Nope. You didn't even notice. I knew where you worked the whole goddamn time, you piece of shit.

Can I read it? Can I read it? I won't say anything. Yeah, let Joel read it real quick. I want to know who you work for. Let's all pretend like Joel knows how to read for a second. I'm going to pretend I know how to read for a second. By the way, Red Band and I Flew Jet Blue to get here

Overnight And Joel came in a migrant caravan So for those of you wondering Brown tinted windows and everything So you saw the official company? Yep, I saw it Hell yeah So Tony, the reason why I have this on

Is because I had to come directly from work because you guys decided to have this fucking thing in Swansea. Yeah. Yeah, we did. And we could have had it somewhere else, and maybe my hand wouldn't have pulled your goddamn name out of the bucket. Motherfucker. That's 100%.

Everybody wants to hate. It's just hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Everyone wants to take shots at the goddamn throne. That's all it is. So, Michael, tell us more about you. What do you do for fun when you're not working HR, looking 45 at 25, shit like that? What else? What else do you do?

You seem like the kind of guy that picks up a slinky every once in a while and jams out with it. Big fidget spinner guy. I do have a fidget spinner. Hell yeah. What else? I listen to a lot of comedy. I listen to a lot of comedy. You listen to a lot of comedy. Yeah.

I love the whole Death Squad podcast network. Joe Rogan, Bill Burr. All the greats. All the greats. Listen to them a lot. Wasn't Burr just in town the other day playing a big concert? He was, and I missed it because he sold out in like two seconds. Well, you don't have to worry about that with us here at Kel Tony.

Tickets available at the door for those of you listening. If you're listening to the live stream, driving down I-91 or something like that. Is that right, 91? All right, 94. 94. What do we do? Alright.

So, Michael, what else, man? You listen to a lot of comedy. I need a better answer than that. Everybody sort of listens to a lot of comedy that signs up for this show in one way or another. This isn't exactly the most mainstream show in the world. We're at the Venus de Milo, not Madison Square Garden.

You know what I mean? That's fair. I mean, I love it. That's not an insult. You know what Madison Square Garden doesn't have? Three pound fucking lobsters. I promise you that. I know.

I've been there. I'm a pretty simple guy. Favorite category of porn? You know, I found one recently. Yeah, you found one? Yeah. I love that you say you found one. I did.

It's not the World Wide Web. I had a little something pop up the other day. It just popped up on my computer out of nowhere. Honestly, though, it came up on my computer out of nowhere. Honestly, though, it came up on the main screen of Pornhub when you go onto it. It was an acronym, P-A-W-G, POG. Yep, one of my favorites.

It's a good one. Truly one of my favorites. I started putting it in the search bar. There's a lot of controversy as to what POG stands for. I believe it's, I always putting it in the search bar. There's a lot of controversy as to what POG stands for. I believe it's, I always thought it was, what was it? What did I, I can't remember which one I thought it was and which one it is. But it's either fat ass white girl with P, right?

P-H-A-T, POG. But somebody told me that I was wrong and they said it's pretty ass white girl. I think you're still wrong. I think it's perfect ass white girl. I think you're still wrong. I think it's perfect ass white girl. Oh, wow. I like that. For those of you that don't know, pogs are basically like, sometimes they're, we'll say, shorter than your average porn star

with a more voluptuous butt and pretty sort of like a little bit on the thicker side of things, right? Is that how you would describe it? Would you add any more words to the description there, Michael? Voluptuous, if it was an SAT kind of thing? Hell yeah, if it was an SAT. It's not. No matter what it stands for, the cop over there,

he looks like he's about to check it out later when he gets home tonight. I saw him take a little note in his little cop pencil pad there. He's writing himself a ticket. Police-ass white girl. With some of that police-ass. Hell yeah. Have you ever seen police porn?

They actually have police porn where it's like police women. It's pretty hot. No, of course, yeah. It's hot, but they keep the uniforms on for too long. Yeah, yeah. It's like, we get it, you're's like police women. It's pretty hot. No, of course. It's hot, but they keep the uniforms on for too long. It's like, we get it. You're a fucking police officer. Lose the clothes, lady.

I get the boys in blue balls. Alright. So, Michael, when you say that you stumbled across Pog, what do you mean by that? You mean you typed it in letter by letter? Stumbled across one, you saw it, you mean you typed it in letter by letter no stumbled across one you saw it you're like what's pog like it was like one of the lower ones right in the

bottom and you're like what's that and the next thing you know you're like oh i like this so let me click on this again well yeah obviously if they're using an acronym that's an established thing so i mean we all had different answers for what the acronym stands for, but I guess so. I guess you're right. You have to look it up, right? So you went with the pog. You enjoyed the pog.

What the fuck was my next question going to be? I had a good one. I had a good one. I had a good one. I had a good one. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba is off right now. Yeah. All right.

Fox, this is your first time doing stand-up. And, yeah. All right. Well, we spent a lot of time with you. How do you feel about everything? Good? You think you're going to do it again? I would love to.

This is unbelievable being able to talk to you guys and this is fun. I mean, yeah, obviously if you cut it short, that was a great joke. But you just got to kind of get to the point. You got to get to the meat and potatoes faster. The classic Kill Tony advice. Get your setup out of the way. Minimal amount of setup as fucking possible and hit that punchline with the

end. You have to trust that you got genuinely good laughs. I think you'll be surprised when you listen back to this how you got laughs on that mid-twenties flannel HR thing. It's as simple as it gets. It's not very punchy,

but that's what it's about. It's about honesty, and the crowd knows that you just came up with that shit and everything. You know what I mean? So just get to your shit faster. Trust yourself. There he goes, everybody. His first time ever doing stand-up.

Michael Shulman. Michael Shulman. You got to keep this fun train moving along. You guys having fun out there, huh? I am mesmerized at the amount of uh of bearded just tough guys out there like bearded guys like a few weeks a few weeks uh needing a haircut later than they should like it's like everybody like i think waits a couple extra months to get a haircut because it's like a pussy thing to do or something like that i get a haircut. Fuck it. Fuck it.

I'll put my fucking ball cap over it. Was there a clearance sale on flannels this week or something? No, it's just Ross. I thought Cholo's had a bunch of it, but Jesus. Alright. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This guy's got fucking perfect handwriting. I don't think I've ever given

out that compliment before. Look at that. Common sense. It reminds me of back when I used to have to sign up for shit. Block letters. Chiseled. Perfect. Make some noise for Ryan Burns. Ryan Burns. Heck yeah.

Two guys walking towards the stage at once. Will they both be Ryan Burns? One sat down. Here he is. Oh, my fucking God. Another flannel. Yes. Another mid-20s white guy.

Also, red flannel. So I'm sure, like a lot of you guys out here on the East Coast, I grew up in a family with raging alcoholic parents. Definitely these guys. So my dad was real bad. My mom made him quit. She didn't quit. She kept hiding her bottles all over the house. So we'd find them all over the place. Places he would never look. We'd find them in the dishwasher that obviously didn't work, the bread box. He'd find them. She should have really gone with next to like my homework, my baseball mitt, my bicycle, my cross-country practices. He would have never found them.

So we have a friend who's a barber. Went there one day for a cut, and something went wrong with the clippers. Go ahead. Yep, keep going. All right. So something goes wrong with the clippers. Before you know it, I wake up. He juiced me. I got zapped. I fucking passed out.

I wake up. I look at him. I start screaming. I woke up in a strange place. I don't know what the fuck happened. He's like, dude, shut the fuck up. I got customers. Wow.

That's almost impressive how there was nothing there at the end. Yeah, what's juiced you? My mind's almost blown. You had the perfect alcoholic joke with fucking five punchy punch lines all at the end. And then a fucking just a true story with no ending right there. I'm still working on that one. What's the juicing? Very unorthodox. As in he electrocuted me. He got electrocuted. That's what they call it out here. I'm still working on that one. What's the juicing? Very unorthodox.

As in he electrocuted me. He got electrocuted. That's what they call it out here. I got juice. Charred. Okay. Sorry. Juice is also a beverage that's made of fruits and vegetables, Brian.

Right. Right. So, Ryan, let's jump right into it. So, did you say both of your parents were alcoholics? Yeah, mostly my dad, but yeah, my mom definitely had a problem too. Yeah, not anymore though? No, they've both been sober almost 25 years now. Wow, 25 years.

22 years and 23 years. That's very impressive. How old are you? I'm 28. 28, hell yeah. He looks the youngest of all of them. Thanks. Appreciate it.

I do keto. Is that true? No, hell no. Okay. What do you do for work, Ryan? I train people on heavy equipment in a warehouse. You train people on heavy equipment? Yeah.

Powered equipment, forklifts, reach trucks, pallet jacks, all kinds of stuff. You're the guy that does that out of all the people up here that we've had tonight. Yeah. You're one size bigger than Atticus. That's about right. Wow, that's impressive. How long have you been doing that for? A couple years now.

Wow, all right. And then stand-up, what are we talking about? You've done this, what, first time, few times? This is my first time ever on stage. First time ever on stage. We are popping cherries here tonight at the Venus de Milo. So is this something that you've wanted to do for a while? Yeah, definitely.

I've been listening to the podcast for a long time and listen to a lot of stand-up. I just saw you a couple times at the Wilbur and we just saw Burr at TD Bank which is crazy. It's always been something I wanted to do. I've just been a real pussy about it. When you say you saw me a couple times at the Wilbur, was that once?

For my solo show? Yeah, Rogan and then with your solo show. With Josh Martin. Right. Wow, very cool. Ryan, look at you. You're doing it. Well, thanks for your support. Ryan, look at you. Doing it. Well, thanks for your support. You coming to the stand-up show tonight?

Absolutely. Fuck yeah. Well, I hope you like the same material that you heard those nights. Fuck yes. Fuck yeah. No, I'm kidding. It's all better now. Fuck yeah.

It's even stronger. But to pay homage to you, if at any point any of my jokes fail, just be like, wow, I'm just like Tony. So Ryan, what else do you do for fun? You've been working with Heavy Machinery. You just started stand-up comedy four and a half minutes ago. What else? Same shit. Hiking, you know, I like video games, hanging out. We go to a lot of breweries. It's normal shit.

So, you know, I feel like we have to acknowledge this. Like, let me just ask you, let me just answer the question honestly. How long have you had that shirt for? About a year. About a year. Before that, before you had that shirt, first of all, where did you get it? Did you buy it yourself? No, my girlfriend bought it for me, actually.

Your girlfriend bought it for you. Now, before you had that shirt, did you have another shirt like that? Exactly like it. Exactly like it. Exactly like it. And then what? You lost it somewhere? Something like that.

And then you're like, ah, you know what I miss is that fucking New England shirt that I had. I didn't even have to say it. She just knew it. She knew. And she literally got it for you. She got it for me. I wish I knew the background answer for the five guys that have all been wearing the same.

I acknowledged it on the first guy. I'm like, everybody up here dresses the same, and somehow it just fucking keeps happening. Backwards hat, beard. I acknowledged that six comedians ago. Even the fucking female that was up here had a beard and a backwards hat, for those of you listening to the podcast.

Wi-Fi's back. Wow, the Wi-Fi's back. Just in time. Wow. For those of you that have been dying for Spotify music, it is now possible. So you have, all right, how long have you had the beard for? A long time, man.

A long time. Were you like born with it? No, probably since I was about 18. I have a super baby face, so. Let me ask you this. Why do you think everybody up here looks like that? Who did that? If I had to guess, maybe if Tom Brady looked like that, I'd be like, oh, that makes sense. Tom Brady's Superman up here. But it's not Tom Brady. What is it, like Gronk or something?

No, Gronk doesn't have a beard. I think people are all tough guys out here. And they see a clean face. They're like, what's this faggot? Right. Exactly. That could be it. I've got two older brothers.

Without this, total faggot. Oh, I see. But with that, they can't call you that. Yeah. Oh, they still do. But it doesn't resonate as well. Wow. Isn't that fucking interesting?

It's all that chowder. So it really is. I would like to hear you talk about that, being not a tough guy in a tough guy area. I was trying to think about some stuff for that, but I didn't invest as much time as in it. You pussed out. I pussed out.

Next time. Next time. Oh my God, that is incredible. You're like an Andrew Santino with regular colored hair. Wow. An Andrew Santino reference. Kind of looks like him, right? And it worked.

That was incredible, Joel. Shout out to Andrew Santino. Hell, yeah. We love him. He was just on a few weeks ago. I love that Andrew's gotten that mainstream where it's just like you could drop his name like it's Jerry Seinfeld or something like that. I love it.

You look like Andrew Santino with normal hair. The crowd goes crazy. He's popping. Alright. So, Ryan, so you did it. You did stand-up comedy. What's next for you? Like, what else in your life? Do you have anything else like on a bucket list or anything like that that you're looking for

or anything like that? Nah, nothing crazy. Same old shit. Day-to-day. Just trying to... It is something that I do want to do. How long have you been with your girlfriend? About 18 months. What does she do? She's a project manager for TJX,

which owns like TJ Maxx. Sounds boring. You ever cheat on her? Yeah, all the time. Is that true? No, no, no. She's a good girl. I love her.

What's the dude's name? Andrew Santino. Whoa. What is this? Your older brother over here? Heyo. Alright. So she works at a TJ Mac. She has a big job. She makes like twice as much money as me.

Damn. Look at you. Fucking using your heavy machinery to do some gold digging, huh? Alright, Ryan. Well, we're going to keep it moving along. Absolutely. There he goes.

Another bearded backwards hat, red flannel for you. It's all going down. Ryan Burns. There you have it. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one.

This table right here was like partying at the beginning. Now they look like they lost a relative. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, look at them. Now they're all grumpy. Someone ran out of coke at 7.30, huh? I can tell that I really did. They're literally like hugging each other.

Like how the fuck? Yeah, I got the mouth cover point. Did you say hugging each other? You got the accent now. It's happening to all of us. Oh, shit. They're hugging each other? You got the accent now. It's happening to all of us. Oh, shit. Hugging each other. Oh, I think I, wait.

Bing, bing. I think I have a beard coming in, guys. It's happening. No way. Pull the name out. Here we go. Anthony Traister. You're up next on Kill Tony.

Anthony Traister. Is this Anthony? Nope. It Traister. Is this Anthony? Nope. It's fucking... Ooh. Oh, Anthony from the farthest corner. Look out. Here he comes.

Anthony taking his time. He could definitely walk faster. Hell yeah. Here he goes. Just a few more minutes until we get to hear Anthony Traster, everybody. Alright, here he is. One more time, everyone, for Anthony Traster.

What's going on? First mistake, nobody brought their beer up with them. You know, you need something to sip on. Come on. True enough. So, full disclosure, when I put my name on there I had no fucking clue what I was signing up for but my buddy Nick over here says you know what just tell a fucking funny story

so I'll tell you a story I deliver linen you know it's my job but I ain't fucking pulling these fucking uh these garages I can't drive for shit can't drive to save my life so I'll park on the street I'll push my shit down I don't care talk your shit I don't care I Talk your shit. I don't care. I can't fucking drive. I'm half Asian. It's in my blood. It is what it is. I'm pushing this fucking cart down this goddamn, like, loading dock, right? I got headphones on.

It's 7 30 in the morning. I don't give a fuck, you know. I'm just trying to get paid. Everyone's trying to fucking get paid. I get down to the bottom of this fucking loading dock. I'm pushing this cart, and I hit this fucking, I think it's a grate. I think it's a fucking, a side curb. I don't know. This shit ain't moving, so I say fuck it. Let's give this shit a couple shoves. If it goes, it goes. You know, fucking send

it. Send it. It's not going fucking anywhere. I'm puzzled. I take out my headphones. I hop over. I look around. What the fuck am I stuck on? 100% can't make this shit up. I promise you this happened to me two months ago. I'm not lying to you.

I got this fucking laundry hamper knee high up on a goddamn midget. I didn't even see the fucking thing. Look at that. Half a standing ovation from a guy that has no fucking idea what he signed up for tonight. But let me tell you what happened there. Let me tell you why it worked. Let me break it down for you. First of all, it's a true story.

Second of all, it's an even bigger deal because you recovered from a tailspin right from the get that you didn't even know you started by taking a sip of your beer and acknowledging it. At that moment, everybody hated you. We're like, what's up with the fucking lesbian Nate Diaz? And then you told a true story. You fucking went right into it. And you want to know what you did that nobody else did here tonight? Is you said it in your real voice.

You didn't fucking try to play towards an audience or play towards the mainstream or anything like that. You came here to Swansea Mass and you talked how you talk. Just like how these fucking animals talk. You didn't change a goddamn thing about you.

The midget was the least funny part of the whole story to me. I liked your other shit. Your fucking crazy setups. You're fucking, you're never gonna believe. The best stage presence ever, man. Right, exactly. You're like a natural Frank Sinatra. It's unbelievable.

I don't give a fuck. Nobody brought their drink tonight. I'm going to do what I do. You even got the fucking Nazi cheering for a half Asian guy, dude. Hey, send it. You might as well send it. I mean, it is unbelievable.

For a guy with a goatee filled with pubic hair, I have never in my life. I just removed them, brought them straight up. You know, brought them straight up. You put the goat in goatee, dude. Hell yeah. That's what I would do if I had fucking sound effect

for it. Have you ever had the full beard? Like, why are you down to the little? Do you have any idea how hard this is for an Asian man? I mean, it's just 30 years of hard work. That's the best I've got. That's the fucking... What kind of Asian are you? Half. Chinese and Mongolian.

Wow. You're really leaning into that half shit. Don't get any fucking ideas, alright? It's only half! I fucking kid you not. Swear to God. Not made up at all. It was a fucking midget.

I tell you, my roommate... I could listen to you just do setups for an hour straight. No punchlines. And get this. The next thing, that fucking guy, you'll never believe it. You ready for this? Here it comes. Any fucking second. Hold your horses, because I'm going to tell you right now

what the fuck went down. That's it. We explained it on this show. We tell you the secrets on how to be fucking funny. It's unbelievable. Horse of truth. So let's talk about you, Anthony. Let's

fucking do it. What do you do for work? I deliver linen to restaurants That's right, fucking hampers Wow, did you see how that brought the coke table to life? I know They squirt everywhere Oh my god, they literally just went They shot up out of their seats

That is bizarre She's leaving to do a bump I gotta re-up Wow, so Anthony Let's find out some more of your dirty laundry What else is Chinese laundry Hell yeah, that is Asian of you

To work for a laundromat, by the way But the driver part I don't know. It's bad. It's terrible. Yes, the car started after the car crashed on that one, for those of you. Nothing better than a car

getting totaled and then revving its engine. That's what happens. I tell you, my first day on the job, $10,000 in damage. Amazing. I mean, that's genius. I'm telling you, you gotta extend your setups longer, bro. Guess how much damage. Are you ready?

You'll never fucking believe. Here it comes. I swear to God. Swear to fucking God. What's the other half, by the way? Mongolian. A whole lot of white.

A lot of white. All kinds of white. Hell yeah. Just fucking as inbred as Kate Bird. Just a real grab bag of white. Hell yeah. I love it. All right.

You got a girlfriend, Anthony? No, not at the moment. Well, guess what? You do now. We got you a brand new girlfriend from the cocaine table, everyone. Hey! Come on up. Give your new boyfriend a big kiss. Why'd the music stop?

Wow. Brian's just in it to win it right now. We got Wi-Fi. Okie dokie. Guess we're just not doing that. Okie dokie. Alright. Just the... Did you say kie dokie. Alright. You say okie dokie?

Hell yeah. Anthony, when's the last time... Anthony, when's the last time you kissed a girl? Oh shit, yo. Let me tell you something. You just had your first kiss in a while.

You ended up with the empty bucket. You signed up and didn't even know what you signed up for. But you had the balls to come up here. You trusted your instincts. And that, my friend friend is what this fucking show is all about. It's about goddamn opportunities and you just made the best of it. Anthony Tracer ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

That's it. That's what fucking dreams are made of. Who the hell brought that guy here tonight? Good job, buddy. Wow. Second onstage kiss in Kill Tony history.

That's true. Jen Murphy. Yeah. The legendary Jen Murphy. Fuck yeah. She's so excited. A bunch of cocaine just fell out of her nose. He walked off with white lips.

All right. Let's off with white lips. Alright. Let's keep it fucking pumping. We've just proven, I'm pretty sure, that anything can happen on this show. I pulled another name out. Make some noise for Adam Berthiavmi. Adam Berthiavmi. Oh, I saw a little hesitation

in his stand up there. Oh my fucking there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. One more time for Adam Berthiavmi, everyone. Surprised? So, I'm Adam.

I was walking around the other day. I was walking through town, and I saw this family posing for a picture. And the dad says to the mom and the two kids, don't worry, honey, I'll go over and I'll take the picture. So he's framing up the shot, and I thought it'd be nice, and I go over to him, and I said to him, hey, you know, you want me to take a picture of all of you together? And he looks over at me, and he leans in, said to him, hey, you know, you want me to take a picture of all of you together? And he looks over at me and he leans in and he says, no man,

don't worry about it. It's going to make the divorce easier on the kids if I'm not in it. Sometimes things don't work out. Like the last relationship with my roommate. So boundaries were kind of an issue for us, like just communal spaces. I came home early one day to find my roommate naked on the kitchen counter using kitchen utensils in ways that I didn't know were possible. So I called a family meeting, sat down, gave my 30 days notice, told my mom I wasn't working out. She didn't give me my security deposit back, but she did give me a box full of my childhood photos. And I realized my dad's not in any of them. Thank you.

Boom. Boom. Boom. So, Adam, we did it again. For those of you listening to the podcast, I fucking swear to fucking God, I swear to God if you're just listening to this podcast that this guy has the same fucking beard,

the same fucking shirt, the same fucking look. You know what would be funny is if we found out that there was a gay bar and the admission into the gay bar was just have that beard and that shirt. Hi, welcome to Beard and Flannels. Phoenix to Lumberjack. Massachusetts. Wait, wait, let's try to guess his age because he looks like a Brendan Walsh, a baby Brendan Walsh.

I'm guessing 26. All right, let's play the age guess game. I'm going to go with 30, sharp 30. Wait, look at me real quick. I know I guess game. I'm going to go with 30. Sharp 30. Wait, look at me real quick. I know I nailed it. I'm going to say 24. He's either 30 or 29. 29.

Boom. Everyone's in their 20s and older looking. It's so weird. Yeah. No, it's an interesting thing. It really is. So let's talk about what matters most. That shirt.

How long have you had it for? A couple of months. A couple of months. And who got you this shirt? Did you buy it yourself? Yeah. Before that, did you have a shirt that looked just like that? I have a closet full of them.

Wow. This is fucking amazing what we're finding out here tonight. Where did you buy the shirt? Ross? No, it was an outlet store, Gab, Banana Republic, something. Hell yeah. Banana Republic, dude. All right, so Adam, how long have you been doing stand-up? My guess is about nine or ten months.

Yeah, not bad. About a year, but I've only done it like a handful of times, like five or six. Very good. So what made you start stand-up comedy? I've been talking about it for a while, went through a breakup, figured I needed to get some stuff off my chest. How long were you with your girlfriend? what made you start stand-up comedy? I've been talking about it for a while. Went through a breakup. Figured I needed to get some stuff off my chest. How long were you with your girlfriend for? I was with her for about a year and a half.

Yeah. You really liked her. Not in the end. Yeah. Did she cheat on you? No. Did you cheat on her? No. How did it end?

Come on, Adam. The truth kills here. Well, we went to visit my family in Vermont, and then... There he is. Red band And it was just like It was just another fight

And so I had a long Do you remember what that fight specifically was about? Yeah So she got For some reason we thought it was a good idea To go to my high school reunion And she got jealous About one of the people that was there.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah. I'm glad she's dead. Yeah. She got jealous at a, let me guess, a former girlfriend?

No, not even. She was just drunk and flirtatious. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can't, yeah. When they, it's one thing when they're jealous, it's one thing when they're drunk, but when they get drunk and flirtatious. Yeah, you can't. It's one thing when they're jealous.

It's one thing when they're drunk. But when they get drunk and jealous, that's a fucking bad girlfriend. With a beard like this, can you blame them? What? With a beard like this, can you blame them? What? With a beard like this, can you blame them?

Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess you could. Now, what is your reason for their beard? Do you have a weak chin also? No, honestly, I was in sales for like five years. I went to art school and I didn't have to get here. Boat sales?

No, I was in car sales. Nine more of those, Joel Berg. You're getting a tattoo here tonight. And I got bad news for you. That tattoo you're getting, if you go nine more in a row, it's coming from Johnny Depp over there. It's going to say Winona forever. By the way, the cop's just watching PogPorn over there.

All right. So what else do you do? What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Well, I live in New Hampshire, so I'm pretty active outdoors, that kind of stuff. Wow. One guy went crazy for New Hampshire back there. What the fuck goes on in New Hampshire?

What's the big city over there? What is it? What's the city that I might recognize from New Hampshire? Manchester or Portsmouth. Yeah, no. Oh, yeah. Wow, New Hampshire. Or Portsmouth. Yeah, no. Oh, yeah. Wow. New Hampshire. Like, I sort of forgot that one existed. Like, Rhode Island, it's

funny because, like, you know, it gets a bad rep, but I fucking love Providence. Some of my best friends... Some of my very... Some of my very best friends are from Providence. Why are you guys saying no, you're not from Providence?

No. Where the fuck are you guys from? Massachusetts. What part? Swansea. All right, fuck it. I guess so. All right, well, I mean, we always hang out in Providence,

so fuck it. And the Providence Oyster Bar on that main street that they have every Saturday has the most unbelievable happy hour. I mean, I know all about this shit. And Rhode Island gets a bad rep. But honestly, and you know, I talk to my agents a lot. I have big fancy Hollywood agents that are like, Tony, you want to do this city, this city, this city? We have an offer for this city. What do you want to do? And how do you want to do it? city, this city, this city. We have an offer for this city. What do you want to do and how do you want to do it? And you know, I literally truly, and this has been going on for years, but I'm not even kidding. This is not a joke. Until just then, I honest to God forgot that New Hampshire

existed. It is a state, right? Like am I sort of crazy? Did I have a... Yeah, it's one of this little baby ones like Delaware, right? But it's funny because it's not because Delaware and Rhode Island sort of have some badass things about them. And New Hampshire, New Hampshire has like one sad guy in the corner was like, New Hampshire. When you said New Hampshire, and I don't even think he's from New Hampshire.

I think he has just like nice guy Tourette's or something like that. New Hampshire. Like what's your favorite thing about New Hampshire? What's the most baller ass thing about New Hampshire. What's your favorite thing about New Hampshire? What's the most baller ass thing about New Hampshire? I just named a bunch of things about Providence. I've been there a few weekends of my life. What else?

I don't know if it's baller, but... The White Mountains. Oh, the White Mountains. Yeah, alright. Way to combat the racist shit. Alright. White Mountains? That's what you said? She said she likes black mountains better That's right

Whoa, damn She woke up from her coke nap This fucking table is fucked up Beetlejuice's girlfriend over here They are fucking Oh my god, yes No one likes white Mountains more than this table Of course

So wow alright Adam Well I mean that's very interesting So you've been single for a while Yeah yeah When's the last time you kissed a girl Come on Tony she already got herpes once Come back up Well, you can't catch it twice

When's the last time you kissed a girl? Just out of curiosity, I'm not forcing I mean, I didn't force anyone the first time Probably the time I bought this shirt What's the last time you kissed a guy? It's so funny you say that I was just going to say, when's the last time you kissed a guy that looks like Santa Claus? His wife just took her pants off, dude.

I mean, the crowd would go ballistic, but all right, no? Okay. Sometimes I like that. Sometimes as a good host, you have to take chances and feel it out. I don't know if you can see this gigantic white head just going... I feel like I'm going to get a lot of coal in my stocking if I push this issue.

Adam, fun times, man. Do more stand-up. What's keeping you in New Hampshire? Why New Hampshire? Why? Final question, why? It's a good place for all the things Iup. What's keeping you in New Hampshire? Why New Hampshire? Why? Final question, why? It's a good place for all the things I like. What?

It's a good place to do all the things that I like doing. And you were born and raised there? No, I was raised in Vermont. You were raised in Vermont? Vermont? You're from Vermont, dude? That's another fucking state that I never hear anything about. You named the 49 and 50th

most important states. I'm from Helsinki, dude. Not really. Well, maybe it is an upgrade from Vermont. I don't know. Vermont's pretty sweet. Is it? What's the most baller-ass thing about Vermont, Adam? The ice cream. Yeah, I was gonna say

probably ice cream. Well, Brian answered that for you. Brian's favorite thing about every state is their ice cream. Yeah, I was going to say probably ice cream. Well, Brian answered that for you. Brian's favorite thing about every state is their ice cream. All right, Adam. There he goes. Adam Berthe of me. What are we at here? Yeah.

Yeah, we should probably start putting a ribbon on this guy. I want to do something kind of special real quick. Oh, really? Oh, I'm excited. Yeah, can we have every bearded guy in a flannel stand up right now? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do that. Can we do that?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, all right, all right. Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Stop. We'll do that at the end. Okay, all right, all right, all right. At the end of the episode, then every guy, and you have to have both. You can't just fucking want to be part of it.

And you can't have some fucking five o'clock shadow or whatever. But at the end of the episode, every guy with a beard and a flannel is going to get on the stage and we're going to take a big group picture with the band and you guys are going to be in the background. Look how excited

Santa Claus is. He does. He has the flannel. Come here. Stand up one more time for these people. It's unbelievable. It is an unbelievable anomaly what is happening. I really wish everybody that just listens to this podcast

could see exactly what's happening. What did Santa just throw at you? Joel's dying laughing about something. Oh my god. It's a Santa Claus button with a little kid with his middle finger up. Oh, that's you? Unbelievable. It really is you. You've been

I know you, right? Yes. Fuck yeah. I know you from Providence. Since I was a little boy. Oh yeah. I remember you, man. You're the fucking man, dude. I love you. Okay, what do you say? One last bucket pool?

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Cam Duff. Cam Duff. Here we go. Cam Duff. Cam. Cam Duff. C-A-M-D-U-F-F. Is that you?

I thought it was a Starbucks employee. It's not you? Nope. That's not how it works at all. Jesus Christ. Sweet little thing you. God damn. All right. That's one of the horniest chicks I've ever seen in my life.

No, you cannot go up if someone doesn't show up. My God, what has Hillary Clinton done to this country? But I don't know if you noticed, but I'm a woman. So can I go up or are you a fucking abuser? Get the fuck out of here. What is wrong with this modern world? Make some noise for Bobby Dylan, everyone. Bobby Dylan.

Wow, Bobby Dylan throws off his backwards hat. He approaches the stage. Wow, the Coke table loves him. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Bobby Dylan. What the fuck is up, Swanshee? I got hit by a truck the other day. Walking home from the liquor store.

And I luckily have a video of it. Security video. Showed a few people. They said I should have died. Awesome. video showed a few people they said i should have died awesome and um the worst part about that is people always told me liquor would kill me i just thought it would be cirrhosis of the liver or i'd be drunk when it happened or i'd be funny so um where my parents at don't you're not a fucking parent, dude.

That's fucking weird. Shit, I'm like visibly fucking shaking right now. This is hilarious. Um. I'm just trying to think. I fucking, I just killed that fucking parent joke. What's up, guys? Sorry.

It's okay. There you go. Bobby Dylan. Where do you think it went wrong? When my parents named me Bobby Dylan. I love it. I love it. You were built for a NASCAR or something like that.

Bobby Dylan coming around turn three. All right, Bobby. First time doing stand-up? No. Oh, wow. I moved the mic stand. Oh, okay. The pressure get to you a little bit?

How long you been doing stand-up? Six months, but I only go up once a week. Oh, okay. Six months, once a week. Not bad for your 25th time on stage. Hell yeah. So your legs are small, but your body is long. Has anyone ever told you that before?

You have short legs. If you didn't have such a long body, you'd be like 4'3". Nice. It's really interesting. When you said where my parents at, I thought you were literally looking for your parents. Bobby, what do you do for work? I'm a painter You're a painter Yes

You do that for a living Yep You make a living painting Yeah, yeah, industrial painting Industrial Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah You paint like houses, buildings

No, I actually paint the machines that like mold the plastic for like whole foods, you know, the salad container We make, we basically make those, yeah. Huh. I don't like the fact that they're fucking rooting for me. What's, what's... ... ... ...

So, you've been doing stand-up for six months, and you paint fucking houses. What else? Like what else? What's something personal about you that we might find interesting? He was in that show Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Thank you.

Thank you. That's a compliment. That's a huge fucking compliment. I actually have a picture where I look just fucking like him. I'm wasted in it. Just like Danny DeVito. You really do. Yes. That's even better, dude. That's even better. I'm wasted in it. Just like Danny DeVito. You really do. Yes!

That's even better, dude. That's even better. I'd rather Danny than fucking Charlie. Hell yeah. Well, it's clearly not always funny in Philadelphia. Hey, you know what? I'm happier that I bombed, honestly, because it's going to be a lot funnier later on in life.

I have no idea what that means. Oh, no, it will. It will. Trust me. Trust me. Fuck yeah. Well, you're not the first three-pound to me. Oh, no, it will. It will. Trust me. Trust me. Fuck yeah. Well, you're not the first three-pound lobster that I've crushed tonight, Bobby Dillon. Nice.

But you know what? Things went off the tracks. That happens sometimes. We all have rough sets sometimes. It's a fucking part of the game, and you're fairly new at this, and that's part of it. And I want to do something special, actually, to end this show. So I'm just going to move on. There goes Bobby Dylan.

Okay, cool. Sweet. Thank you. Let's do something fun. Now, I'm only going off of my gut instinct here, but I noticed that when I pulled that name out and the name before it that Santa Claus sort of gave an aw shucks type of reaction. Did you sign up tonight?

You did? What's your name? What is it? Brian Roy? Brian Boyd? Brian Roy. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, to close tonight's show, I present to you Brian Roy.

Brian Roy. Come on, it's fucking Santa Claus Swansea! It's great to be here tonight. Thank you. Thank you, everybody, for being here. Let's take it easy. The world is really crazy today, okay? Now, the last couple of years,

the United States... All right. All right. couple years, United States. Alright. Nothing but warm embracings for everyone, right? Coming together. We've been nothing

but solidified. Just like tonight. It's in the air. East Coast, West Coast, coming together for a common bond. No, no, no. Not Venus de Milo and Kill Tony. Recreational marijuana. And when you look like me, you can freak people out.

Not with the guys smoking out front. Oh, look, there's Gandalf. Oh, ZZ Top's in town. No, no, no, no, no. It's the guys with the edibles. The ones that have the gummy bears. They don't take the little ear. They eat the whole thing.

They're a whole bag of Hariboos. All right? Those are the guys who see me. Motherfucking Santa Claus! Fuck yes. I can't believe I'm up here. You did it, Brian Roy. You fucking did it.

Here you are, Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen, Brian Roy. Hell yeah. So I remember you. I was doing stand-up at the Comedy Connection in Providence, am I correct? And you were just randomly in the audience and I lit your fucking ass up real good, right? Can I say one thing?

Yeah. The cocaine table, which is gone. Yeah. They were, next table, they remembered me. They were dreaming of a white Christmas. Hell yeah. That's how they remembered me. Yeah.

Oh, they were at that show? They were at that show, yes. How nice of them. They just walked out. Yeah, what the fuck? Like, we've seen this fucking idea before. I think you gave them some craving for a little bit of that nose snow. You know what I'm saying?

So, fucking awesome, Brian. And you really are genuinely a Santa Claus. Am I correct? Yes, you are. Yes. You are a mall Santa? No, no, no, no, no, no. Hell no.

You look down on those peasant malls. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hell no. How dare you? You look down on those peasant malls. No, no, no, no, never, never, never, never. No, you're all together. I do mostly houses, businesses. Oh, houses. You're talking about robbing? Houses and businesses. Houses and businesses.

Down the chimney. Houses, businesses, preschools, playgrounds. Stankos. Classy, classy joints. Hell yeah, you're at the Venus de Milo right now. I fucking love it. Do you have the beard all year or you just get it used? Hell yeah, I fucking love it, dude.

Now you also have a Reg plaid shirt And a beard It is statistically unbelievable It is an absolute Anomaly What happened here today Well, I'm 25 What, pounds overweight?

Oh, what? I said it. I don't give a fuck. I love it. The crowd has turned against Joel Berg. Well, he obviously doesn't know math. Joel, I don't know how it works in goddamn Mexico, but we respect Santa Claus here, you piece of shit.

It's different over there. He's 25, damn it, in eternal North Pole years, alright? Okay. And he works in HR, holding reindeers. Right? Something like that. Is that your wife over there, pretending like she's secretly

video recording you? Good friend of mine, good friend. Ooh, man, you got some of those ho-ho-hos. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Get up, little reindeer.

Hell yeah. Look at that. Fucking little. How long you been doing that? How long you been Santa for? This will be my eighth year. Oh, wow. What got you into it?

I grew a beard. I had white beard and friends were like, you should do it. It probably is a very rewarding type of job. You probably get to bring literally a lot of warmth. I'm just talking about your body heat to a lot of people's houses.

Yes, the old crying baby. What was that? Was that you? I meant to hit the whip, and I hit the slurp. Oh, there's a slurp? It's a baby slurp. Are you saying that he slurped a baby? Brian.

What's one of the craziest things that's ever had happen, being a Santa, going to people's houses and whatnot? You have any cool Santas? Oh, my God. I have gotten phone calls afterwards because there was somebody at the party who thought Santa was attractive and wanted Santa's phone number. Did you fucking slay that pussy or what? No, no, no, no, no. Did you show her your little fucking South Pole, huh?

Yeah, you give her the package. It's the North Pole. Oh, it's the North Pole. Slide down her chimney. I'm talking about your dick, though. The South Pole. I know the North Poles where Santa lives, damn it. Come on.

On Boner, on Blitzen. Hell yeah. Did you show her your little partridge in a pear tree? Did you show her the old red-nosed reindeer down there? Yeah, you give her the 12 inches of Christmas. You show her your little elf on a shelf, huh? Give her the old

fucking... Yeah, you fucking eat her pussy under the mistletoe. Yeah, fucking... I expect that from Redmian. under the mistletoe yet. Fucking. I expect that from Britbian. Well, you're welcome.

Man, oh man. So much fucking fun. You know, everybody up here tonight has come in different shapes and sizes, but with the same shirt. And, you know, one of the things that I love about, I guess, you know, not only Kill Tony, but stand-up comedy, is that, you know, over all the years doing it, you make all these different, you know, friends and cool things,

and you have different, like I said, shapes and sizes, and I see different fucking races, and we have inbred African-Americans out there. We have all these different... It's America. We have regular African-Americans too, sir. I'm sorry I see you over there. I said inbred African-Americans

and one black guy's like, what the fuck? I'm like, no, it's regular African-Americans too. I was talking about the comedian. Those are the best kind. You really have to explain yourself nowadays. But one of the things that I love was, you know, for example, not just during your set, and I can tell that you're having fun right now, but throughout the whole show tonight, getting to see a guy, you know, you're obviously a little bit older and wiser than a lot of the people,

and you're out here with all these, you know, you had a table filled with coke heads in front of you, and meanwhile you're out here having fucking fun. Obviously you made a little bit of a drive here tonight to get here, at least in some one way or another. Sled? Yeah, sleigh ride. And that's what I fucking love, that the show like this can have

a fucking 21-year-old and Santa Claus. I love Kill Tony. I love, I love Kill Tony. I love Kill Tony. Well, guess what love Kill Tony. I love Kill Tony. We fucking love you. There he goes, Brian Roy. First time doing stand-up? First time ever doing stand-up.

Santa Claus, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Roy. Hire him. BostonSantaClaus.com. He'll come to your fucking house. If you're a Kill Tony fan in the area, you should give that fucking hire him. Why not have Santa Claus come visit? BostonSantaClaus.com, it says on this card he just threw at me. And like that, we fucking did it, ladies and gentlemen.

Kill Tony East. Easily one of my favorite episodes of the year. Amazing audience. Like I said, we are definitely making this an annual event. That is official. And we have to reset and set it up because Joel Berg, Red Band, and Tony Hinchcliffe have a stand-up show immediately following this.

I don't know how we're going to follow that type of chaos, but we're going to do our damnedest. Thank you so much to all of you. You are truly, and you know for a fact if you listen to the show, you know I don't say this all the time. You guys were an amazing fucking audience.

Thank you so much. We love you. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, the great and powerful Brian Redband. Thank you, guys. Swansea, Massachusetts, Venus DeMilo. We love you. Thank you. Good night.

See ya. So real quick, every single guy with a beard and a flannel shirt comes stand in the back of the stage real quick make it quick don't take your flannel off I'll give big line to you I will back out. Yeah, is this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.