KILL TONY - KILL TONY #308 (SAN ANTONIO)

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/13/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes including video portions of the show. Also click on

tour dates. Not only do we do the Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store in Hollywood, we also are on the road. We just announced a brand-new show January 26. We have Kill Tony in Phoenix, a special Kill Tony show there. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony shirt. And you also have all the Death Squad merch, including mugs and hats. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Hey, this is red band. Come to you live from San Antonio, Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. San Antonio, make some fucking noise. We're here. Jiminy goddamn crickets.

Welcome, welcome. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Thank you so much. Sure. Hell yeah. Thank you so much. Let's just crown on the rocks. Fuck yeah.

We never really finished what I wanted to mix with that, but thank you so much. Just crown straight up from a random stranger. Red Band, we're here. San Antonio, we did it. What's up, guys? We're live. This is very exciting. This is perhaps one of the worst rooms ever built for comedy

that we've ever seen in our entire lives. Extremely high ceilings. This is our first ever Kill Tony in an airport hangar. This is our first ever Kill Tony in an airport hangar. This is very exciting. Boeing 737 Max could fit in this motherfucker. Instead, we have six feet high of a human head and then 45 feet of just dead space echoing through a goddamn echo chamber. So I can already hear the people complaining about the audio on this podcast from social media. And they can suck our balls because this is the venue we ended up at.

This is San Antonio, Texas. This is our first ever Kill Tony in San Antonio. Very exciting. A bunch of people signed up today. No Ichabod's bucket. We didn't bring that on the plane with us, but instead we have this delicious, amazing puke bucket that they gave us. Just a plain old, regular old puke here. Feel free to take that to the restroom with you and keep on

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And you know what else is fun? When you have a little extra money Having fun with your money Coming out, doing things like Kill Tony Seeing a live stand-up show afterwards With some of the top young rising comedians in the world One of my favorite things to do When I have a little bit of extra scratch

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Her name is Joanna Jenjacek. She is the former straw weight champion of the world. I don't know if you guys know this, but she is bumping up a weight class for the first time ever in her career and she has a lot of trouble losing weight. People built like her and I, it's not

easy to lose fucking 10 pounds when you're just made of bone and steel. You know what I mean? She's going up against Valentina Shevchenko, who's naturally a bigger girl, and I think Ioana's going to do it. So I'm betting heavily on Ioana Janjacek, and I'm betting

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that's betdsi.com, promo code KILL120, and they will match your deposit. That's all one word, KILL120. Alright, that's it. You guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? We are live. It's crazy.

No guests tonight because as a special treat, we brought the best damn band in the land with us. All the way. We all flew together from Los Angeles, California early this morning. Every single episode of this show, they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to be.

We have a tiny green room back there that has one bathroom, and they disappeared into the bathroom about ten minutes ago. I haven't seen them since. They've gotten into character. I'm excited to see what they're going to be this week. What was that? What was that motion? Nothing.

Oh, okie doke. Was that just you? They were blowing each other in the bathroom. Squeezing in some of that top-notch third-grade humor right from the get-go. Red Band just cannot help himself. Let's see what they are this week, shall we? Two of the funniest human beings on the planet. Make some noise for the Kill Tony Band. It's Jeremiah Watkins and

Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Last night they were prisoners. We had our return of the prisoners. Shanks was there. Jeremiah Watkins is live in the flesh. I don't know where they're at.

Here they come. Right from the middle of the room. Oh my god. Wow. We have new characters, ladies and gentlemen. I think I already know who they are. I believe these are Vietnam veterans.

Wow. This is our first time having these characters on the show. I'm very excited to see what goes on here. Am I correct? Are you a Vietnam veteran? You don't know the shit we saw. Wow, I'm excited about this. Vietnam vets. Holy moly. And then we have this guy back here who seems like he's trying to sneak into America.

And I fought for your freedom to say that, Tony. You're welcome. You did? You fought for my freedom? Yeah. Oh, my God. You look like Mexican Jesus. Jesus.

This is incredible. This is our first time ever. You don't want to do that, man. You do not want to do that. This is our first time ever having You don't want to do that, man. You do not want to do that. This is our first time ever having Vietnam vets on as the show, and we are popping their cherry right here live in San Antonio, Texas. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. It's how it works.

You get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy, and then we talk to you afterwards. Maybe I find out more about you and what makes you special, you know, something about your life and what got you here up until this point. But you get 60 seconds uninterrupted before that. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry San Antonio bear. Antonio bear. Sounds a lot like the West Hollywood bear. Really no

differences there at all. So this is it. We got the band. Red band. Oh, hey special treat. Guess who's from right around San Antonio, Texas. No guesses? It's the house artist. Ryan J. Ebelt is here, live in the flesh. That's right. Your very own, Texas's own. He is the Texas cast member of the show, an unbelievable fucking artist. And make sure, I know a lot of you are cheap fucks,

but even if you're cheap, make sure you at least walk by and look at the amazing, he only made 100 of these collectible, unbelievable Kill Tony Kills Texas posters. This is the first city on the tour, so my guess is they're gonna be gone by tomorrow night at the latest. And they're signed and numbered by Ryan J.

Yeah, I mean, it's really incredible. After the show, just remember to walk by, and if you're not going to get one, at least just take a fucking peek at it, because it is unreal. It's unbelievable artwork, because we're here. This is Kill Tony Live San Antonio, and my hand's going in the bucket right now.

This is how it starts. This is how it begins. Huh, all right. It's fucking electric in here. We got this Lady Gaga backdrop behind us. This place is ridiculous. Pull the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian.

60 seconds uninterrupted. This could be someone living their dreams. It could turn into a nightmare. You know how this shit works. And your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Ryan Herrera. Here we go. Ryan Herrera. Coming from the back, I think.

This is gonna be chaos, these people getting to this stage tonight. I can already tell. Everybody's coming right down the middle because the band did it. Fuck yeah. Here's a fire hazard for you. Ryan Herrera, everybody. All right. What's up, y'all? My name's Ryan. So I've been living in Texas for about three years after living in Virginia for two years. I don't know if y'all know this, but on the East Coast,

public transit is the main mode of transportation, so I don't know if y'all know this, but on the East Coast, public transit is the main mode of transportation, so I didn't really have to drive. When I moved back down to Texas, I managed to earn myself a DWI in three months, which was just fantastic, because I guess I forgot that there are rules to driving. Unfortunately, that did put me on probation,

which is really neat neat because you learn cool lessons like drinking is awesome unless you get caught, and also that you can pay $10 to earn an hour of community service, which not only means that they put an actual monetary value on what it takes to serve your community, but I also wish that I saved those invoices from the times I gave the homeless people in Austin a dollar. So the first time I met my probation officer, she gave me some words of encouragement by saying that, hey, we all make mistakes. And when I noticed that she got pregnant and didn't have a ring on her finger, I sat down in her office, looked at her big belly and said, hey, it's okay, Nicky, we all make mistakes. Nothing better than when people think they can beat the bear on this show.

Really, it's like watching old Asian kung fu movies. Your lips are saying one thing. Where are the Asians? The Vietnam vets having flashbacks. For some reason, Ryan Herrera's jacket looks more like a Vietnam vet than the Vietnam vets' jackets that are actually on this show. Ryan, is that your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. I had a feeling. How about one hand for Ryan Herrera?

Thank God. The goat of the first time of stand-up comedy. How do you feel right now? Are you a little bit nervous? A little nervous, excited, because I was joking around with my girlfriend and my friend that it would be really crazy if I got called first. And look what happened. It would be really crazy. You know who else said that to the

people next to them tonight? Every single person that signed up. It's a dreadful position. Nobody wants to go first but somebody's got to do it and who better to fall on that grenade than a guy wearing six layers of shirts. So Ryan,

how old are you? I'm 29. 29 years old. What do you do for a living? I'm 29. 29 years old. What do you do for a living? I'm a manager at HEB in Austin at our restaurant up there. HEB? Isn't that a grocery store? It is, but we got fancy ones up there.

So you're the manager of a restaurant inside of a grocery store that you think is fancy? We got fancy HEBs. I got a motherfucking restaurant to run. The fanciest goddamn hip you've ever been in. We got good barbecue. What else does this fancy HEB have? What else does it

have? Cash registers? And purchasable plastic bags. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. How long have you been managing the restaurant and the grocery store? About a couple months.

I've been there for two years. A couple months. You've been there for two years, so you got promoted up to that position. Yes, sir. What were you before you were the manager? Just the line cook. Wow. Look at you, climbing the fucking corporate ladder.

Or a really bad cook. Right. Yeah, that's how it works in restaurants. Man, this fucking Ryan keeps overcooking everything. Just make him a manager. Perfect. Wow. So that's exciting.

Does it have a name, the restaurant, the H-E-B restaurant? It's the Cafe Mueller. Cafe Mueller. Fancy. Holy shit. Sounds foreign. I don't like it. Man, Ryan, so what kind of hours do you work there?

Normal, like morning, afternoon? Depends on the day. Just the full 40 hours, though. Uh-huh. What do you do for fun? What else are you into? You're a Texan, right? Ryan Herrera, you got a little bit of You're a Texan, right? Ryan Herrera?

You got a little bit of the Mexican blood in you, huh? A little bit of that. A little bit of that. My man. Wow. Well, as I mentioned, I'm dealing with some legal stuff so I don't have much time for fun but I like to go to shows like this, go to comedy shows. Correct. So let's talk about it. You drink in a night? No. Okay. They don't

let you drink right now? No. For how long? Done in May. Okay, so let's talk about it. This DUI, how much did you have to drink before you got it? Tell the truth. I'm not a cop. I don't remember the amount, but I know it was a lot. I love that evil laugh you do after you say that. So, if you had to guess what a lot is, Ryan, are we talking about like ten

beers, maybe five shots, seven beers? I mean, just a ballpark. Based on my BAC, it was like a little beers. Just a ballpark. Based on my BAC, it was a little over three times illegal. What was your BAC? I think it was.29 or something. My BAC

is a big-ass cock. Also, Tony, I used to fly a helicopter. Oh, my God. used to fly a helicopter. Oh, my God. All right, all right. Shut the fuck up.

You'll know when to fucking do it, you idiots. Jesus Christ. Were you a beer drinker or a liquor drinker? Napalm. Napalm is my drink of choice. Yeah, I'd say both. Yeah, okay. So when did you know that the DUI was going to happen? When you saw the lights,

did you think you had a chance for a while? Did you try to lie your way through it? What was your plan of action? Well, when I realized I was being followed by an officer, then I saw him get behind me, and I was in a quiet neighborhood, and then he was just waiting for me to make a little swerve mistake.

So I kind of knew immediately he was probably going to pull me over. Did you make a mistake? I was trying to look up directions on my phone because I was lost. Oh, brilliant. That's what I love to do when I know a cop's right behind me. Give me directions the fuck out of here. I'm wasted. There's a cop behind me.

Let me just Google. Let me ask Google. Google, what the fuck do I do? What? I used to fly helicopters on acid, man. So, Ryan, did you try to lie to the cop? Did he make you take the test?

Wait, wait, wait. I mean, I told him that I had a few beers. I did well on the test, but Texas is a zero tolerance. So even having one beer, he could have arrested me. Sure. Did you take the test? I did.

Yeah. Did you fail miserably? Not miserably, but I failed. Yeah. Did he make you say the alphabet backwards? No, we didn't get to that point. You're right. You didn't make it there. Did he have you walk the line? Yeah. Yeah. Did he make you say the alphabet backwards? No, we didn't get to that point. You're right. Did he have you walk the line?

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately I was barefoot too because I had sandals on and he was like, well, you can take them off or you can leave them on. You're fucked. That's kind of shit. I shit out of luck. If you get out of the car and you're wearing sandals for a DUI test, you're drunk as fuck.

It's already said and done. Have you ever taken that test, Tony? The drunk test? I have. Did you pass? They told me I did. He only gave me the fucking stupid pen thing where it's like they could just fucking cheat and lie and fuck with you.

And yeah, he told me I passed. That's what they told me. But I don't really believe him because I was stoned and fucked up. All right, Ryan. Well, it's good that you got this out of your system. Is stand-up something you think you're going to do again or is this just a little something to hold you over

while you're not allowed alcohol? I'd like to try it again. Like I said, it's my first time, so I needed to get my feet wet. Fuck yeah, and no easier way to get your feet wet than by wearing sandals and getting drunk. So put your hands together for Ryan Herrera, everybody. By the way, I know it's a little bit confusing

because these Vietnam vets have just, you know, they're just fucking animals. They walk in any way they want. But if I call your name, if you make it somewhere in this area, you have to go around this bar and don't trip over the two orange cords. I know that's a lot to remember for a bunch of people that are

currently going through DUIs. Or you can even come through that way. Yeah, there's one on each side of the stage. Fuck yeah. You guys got it. I just don't want anybody to get hurt. For some reason, this name seems familiar, even though we're in a place where we've never done Kill Tony before, so let's see what happens.

Make some noise for Jake Yarbrough. Jake Yarbrough. One guy just left. We lost one audience member. Here he is. Jake Yarbrough, everybody. Come on. What's up, everybody? How you doing? Let's start off by saying I'm a big comic book fan. Any comic book fans out there? Hell yeah. Hell yeah, my kind audience. One of my favorite superheroes, though, is Batman, which is a little strange because he doesn't have any superpowers unless you count being rich, of course. Maybe that's just a superpower I wish I had.

Just like, oh my God, you could afford healthcare? What? In fact, I love Batman so much I named my cat Bruce Wayne. A lot of people are like, oh we get it, he's an adorable black cat. Looks like the Dark Knight. I'm just like, oh that's a little racist. We actually call him Bruce Wayne because both his parents are dead. It's okay to laugh at that joke. My buddy Al found him in an alleyway so he's pretty much Commissioner Gordon at this point. Keeps attacking me like I'm the Joker, but clearly I'm Ms. Alfred because I have to clean up after his shit.

But yeah, before I get out of here, guys, I do feel like I got to get him a little friend, so I'm going to get a white cat and name it Privilege. I don't know what he said there at the end. Jake Yarbrough, what did you say at the end before you go, what? Before I go, I was going to say, I'm going to get a white cat, name it Privilege.

So he got us a friend to play with while I'm gone. Tony, can I just say I'm glad somebody's finally doing Batman jokes. Hell yeah. No better time to do them than now. Yeah, I know time to do them than now. Yeah, I know, right?

Right? All right. Jake, welcome to the show. Your name seems familiar to me. Well, I've been doing comedy out here in San Antonio for eight years. Right. But you've never done a Kill Tony or I've never met you. No, I haven't been on any Kill Tonys, but I have left some actual comments on some of your podcasts about Kyle Wong who was up in Austin and did it on

Mushrooms. I don't read comments, but catch me up. I'm pretty sure you don't, but there was a lot being like, hey, this guy doesn't represent San Antonio. Is he originally from San Antonio? Yeah, he actually showed up For those of you that don't know, Kyle Wong is the guy that

attacked Jeremiah Watkins in Austin when Kyle was on Mushrooms. It's a famous viral I guess it's viral. Yeah, he showed up a month ago. He was like I want to sign up just to say I'm sorry and not do any comedy. I was like, don't do that. Please don't. Yeah, no need for that.

Anyway, Jake, you've been doing stand-up for eight years. Nice to finally meet you. I've always wondered what it would be like if Nate Diaz and Cowboy Cerrone had a baby. Thank you. You have the answer to that. You have a face built for the UFC and a body built for managing a restaurant in an HEB. Sounds about right. You've been doing stand-up for eight years.

Damn, man. All here in San Antonio. Yes. man. All here in San Antonio. Yes. What keeps you here in San Antonio? You like it? My cat. Really? You really?

You're a cat guy? Yeah, I'm a cat guy. You seem like you would kick cats. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is, I always feel like it's always trying to kill me in my sleep, so it keeps me on my toes. Another, another original, original take.

Oh, my God. Joel is out for blood here tonight. My name is Bill, and I fought for your freedom. You're Phil? Bill. Oh, Bill. Bill. All right.

What's your name, Lieutenant Daniel? Curtis. All right, Curtis and Bill. Okay, Jake, so how long have you had the cat for? For about three years now. Three years? Man. I tried to go out to LA, but

I failed because I was on drugs. You failed because you were on drugs? Oh, yeah, yeah. I had a little bit of a drug problem for six months. Oh, that's why you have that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got that fucking meth. Yeah. Right? Crystal meth? That's what it was.

Absolutely it was. What a powerful drug. Yeah, it is. I'm sorry I'm white trash. It's just something we do. I like this guy again. Oh, okay. Man, what a powerful drug. It just changes the way people fucking look. Oh, okay. Man, what a powerful drug. It just changes the way people fucking look.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So what's your favorite moment that you had while in your history of crystal meth? Let's see. History of crystal meth would be me and my buddy Javier Balzadour were on top of a building while there was a band playing

and we were smoking meth and we were like, we're going to run this city someday. Yeah. At the same time, I also realized that would never happen. That's a meth thought. At the same time, you realized what? I realized it was a meth thought. There's a lot of work into running a city and I'm really lazy.

It's really hard to run a town when the only thing keeping you there is your cat. Yeah, exactly. But meth gave you that kind of confidence and swagger, huh? Yeah, it did. It definitely did. I was like, I could run for mayor. What's your least favorite moment in all of taking meth?

Taking a shit on a sidewalk. That would be the lowest point. Wow. Just out at 4 o'clock in the morning just like, fuck, everything's closed. Why a sidewalk? Why not behind a bush or something?

Dude, sometimes on meth things are just going and you don't got time. Did you pick up your own poop like a dog owner with a plastic bag after you were done? Nah, nah. Even if I had a dog, I wouldn't do that. I'd just be like, it's a landmine. All right.

So, anyway. How's meth sex? Did you have any meth sex? Oh, it's great, but you can never get off. It's something that just stops you. It's a lot like the drug. it's great, but you can never get off. It's something that just stops you. It's a lot like the drug. It's great, but you can have a hard time getting off. Man, how'd you clean

yourself up? What happened? Did your chemistry professor finally get arrested or something like that? No, actually I was dating another meth head that took all my rent money and spent it on meth and didn't share any, and I realized I had a problem because I was more upset that she didn't share any than the fact

that I was becoming homeless. I had a personal vendetta against meth at that point. I was like, oh, this is disgusting. Got me off. Man. What does your alarm clock sound like in the morning? Do you have anything special?

That's about it. That's the beginning. It has a weird beginning, doesn't it? This is another one of those weird songs that doesn't really start until like 30 seconds in or something. All right. Maybe your stage name could be Breaking Chad. Okie dokie. All right.

I said maybe. Doesn't have to be, but it could be. Did you ever get into any other drugs like heroin? I never did heroin. I've done coke. I've done acid, DMT. But it could be. Did you ever get into any other drugs, like heroin? I never did heroin. I've done coke. I've done acid, DMT, mushrooms. I've done salvia, which, eh, it's okay.

DMT's better. So much better. Maybe that's why your face sort of looks like it's turning into a lab rat. That's about right. Too many drugs. Too many drugs. Too many drugs, man. Well, Jake, I mean, eight years in the game. Congratulations.

You got on the show. You had fucking fun. And you're clean and sober now. So rock and roll, dude. Yeah, thank you very much. Have a good one. Jake Yarbrough, back to his cat. Fuck yeah.

Great thing about a cat, they can't steal all of your meth money Okie dokie Hey, look at this Another white first name with a Latino last name Here in San Antonio, Texas Who would guess? Let's do it again Make some noise for Josh Cabaza

Yeah, you know know my dad's mexican my mom's white she cheated on her white husband with uh here he is josh cabaza everybody so i got a i got a two-year-old daughter her name's zozobos she started giving me lip yeah she didn't like that name Zozobos. She's like, don't call me that. I was like, oh, my bad. What should I call you? She's like, call me Mama. I was like, maybe Little Mama. She's like, nah, I'm not Little Mama.

I was like, oh, my bad, you Big Mama. She's like, nah, I'm not Big Mama. I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. You're just a baby. And she was like, yeah, I'm Baby Mama. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You don't say that. Daddy loves you.

And then she tried to redeem herself. And she's like, yeah, Daddy, I'm your baby. Mama's like, no, no, no, no, no. You don't say that. And I wanted to forget so bad. So what I did is I grabbed a little baby head, and I just shook it for 10 seconds, and all the thoughts fell out. Yeah. They're like an Etch-A-Sketch. I don't know if you know that.

You shake them hard enough, and all those new thoughts come right out. Don't do that more than twice a month. They'll walk from you. I know what I'm telling you, okay? Stayed on dad. So I was looking up serial killers and... Okay.

Hell yeah. Josh Cabaza, everybody. Hey, let me ask you guys a question. Are you having as much trouble with the audio in the middle of the room as we are up here, or is it a bounce back effect? I haven't been able to hear anything all night. Is that true? Wow.

How about you guys? Sound good? All right. They all say it's good. There's no monitor up here, so I'm hearing the echoes. So we just get to deal with literally the fucking, I mean, All right. They all say it's good. There's no monitor up here. There's no monitor. We're hearing the echoes. So we just get to deal with literally the fucking, I mean, I just don't understand how this place got built like this.

It's pretty unbelievable. Everybody's just like, no, it's going to be fine. Maybe we'll build a second level one day and fucking, you know, have like one of those like restaurants and an HEB, you know what I mean? Have all this extra space. We'll fucking figure out what to do with it. But I mean, well, I mean acoustically for a comedy showroom, though, it doesn't really make... Ah, it's okay. We'll keep the laughs inside.

No, no, it doesn't. Eh? Shut the fuck up, eh? So here we are Josh Cabaza You really have a two year old daughter? I got a two year old and a six year old Zoe and I call her Zoza Bose Oh okay

Is that your only kid? No I got a six year old too You have six kids No I got a six year old and a two year old Oh you have a six year old and a two-year-old. Oh, you have a six-year-old and a two-year-old. Have they ever been in combat before? No. Hell yeah.

You still with the baby mama? Yes, my wife. Yeah. How long have you two been together? 11 years. Wow, 11 years. Damn. And when does that tour end?

Yeah. So, Josh, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Eight years? Yeah, I started with Jake the Meth Head over there. Wow, hell yeah. I love that. Do you guys call him Jake the Meth Head in the scene out here?

That's your new name, Jake the Meth Head. Jake the Meth Head. Jake the Meth Head. Been doing stand-up for eight years. You have two kids. How do you make a living? How do you make money? I have my own business.

Yeah? What do you do? Animation. Animation? Yeah. Goddamn, that's crazy. What are you animating here in San Antonio? I'm doing a commercial for H-E-B, insurance companies.

If you have a small business, hit me up. I could do that as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This goddamn H-E-B runs the economy. Yeah, for real. They help out vets too. Try reanimating the dead carcass of your best friend.

Man, Josh, what do you do for fun to get out of the animation studio when you're not doing stand-up? Get away from the kids. There must be something. You're into video games. You have something that you do. When you get out of the animation studio, when you're not doing stand-up, get away from the kids. There must be something. You're into video games. You have something that you do.

You play bocce. I do comedy. And then with the kids and animation, I run aggressively sometimes. Run aggressively? Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's talk about that. Sure. What do you mean run aggressively? Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's talk about that. Sure. What do you mean run aggressively? Well, what I found out from staying at home is when you're not that active, your testosterone goes down a lot.

That's what the doctor told me. So they gave me testosterone to boost it up, right? And it's working, but I have anxiety attacks in the middle of the day. So then I just got to get up and start running. So then I run very aggressively down the block, and I think I'm scaring my neighbors. I love that. So then I run very aggressively down the block, and I think I'm scaring my neighbors. I love that.

It catches my attention because that's one of my favorite exercises is running aggressively. I'm not kidding. I believe in a good round-the-block fucking sprint like you're being chased by wild dogs type of workout. I think it jolts the system into being awake. You started getting anxiety attacks after the steroid shot? Yeah, definitely. It really boosts you up. You are afraid of being a man. It's the new man. I stay home. My wife works two jobs.

So I can do this. I love it. What does your wife do? What are her two jobs? She's an occupational therapist. She works with kids and adults on the weekends. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Damn, you got the whole thing happening. Hey, appreciate it. American Pie household, the six-year-old's a boy? Six-year-old boy, two-year-old girl. Yeah, how's he? How's the six-year-old? Everything good with him? They gave him a cave at school.

He has sensory issues, so whenever he gets overstimulated, they gave him a desk like this and a blanket and he goes underneath. My wife's going to kill me when she sees this. He goes underneath and they call it his cave at school. He's like a little monster a little bit. I love that. Have you ever thought about when he gets

overstimulated if maybe he should just run aggressively? No, we do. We run him out. We have in the big backyard, so he runs around there a lot. And then... You ever go into his cave and jerk off? The cave is at his school,

so I don't think I'd be able to get away with it. Red Band, you ever go into his son's cave and jerk off? I haven't. Not allowed around schools. Wow. Is your son an artist also? Yeah, he makes little comic books. That's great.

They're not very good, but he's trying. You're Josh Cabaza. Was I right? You're 50% Mexican. Your mom's white. Dad's Mexican. No, they're both Mexican. Both Mexican.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Bitch, it's Razaway. Yay. Sorry. What the fuck's this white guy clapping about over here? Oh, you're Mexican? What?

Full Guatemalan. Fuck yeah. Congrats on your caravan making it. Jesus Christ. These guys think they're dropping knowledge naming another Latino place. It's like everywhere's more roastable than Mexico. We just had the biggest argument,

the entire cast of this show before this episode, by the way, wondering which causes diarrhea more easily, Shake Shack or Chipotle. I said that everybody thinks Chipotle until you factor in that you go to Shake Shack or Chipotle? I said that everybody thinks Chipotle until you factor in that you go to Shake Shack, you get a burger and a milkshake, and that combination creates a fucking thunderstorm.

So my guess is actually Shake Shack. What do you think? Chipotle, because we're not used to eating healthy, so when we eat that organic shit, it runs right through us, and Shake Shack is like, it's not as good as Whataburger, but the grease is equal. Wow. So we're used to it. This guy had a fucking

prepared answer for that. I knew it. I knew it. It's like someone sent him the questions early. Wow. Welcome to the TED Talk of Shake Shack versus Chipotle. Which makes you poo faster? I didn't realize they had TED Talk

back in the Vietnam days. I'm surprised you know what that is. They had Charlie Talks. It was something else. All right, Josh. We're going to keep it moving along. Great stuff, dude. You got a real life out here.

You got kids, a job. The wife has a real job. That fucking meth head's only here because of his cat. One more time for Josh Cabaza, ladies and gentlemen. And if one of the waitresses can hear me, if I could just have a regular glass of Coca-Cola to mix some of this glass of Crown Royal with,

that would be amazing. Could I get my lost memories back, please? It's just a glass of whiskey. I keep making a thing about a theme of white first names and Mexican last names. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jeff Rodriguez, everybody. Yeah, I know what goes on here in Texas. There he comes.

Jeff Rodriguez, everybody. Here he is. Make he comes. Jeff Rodriguez, everybody. Here he is. Make some noise for Jeff Rodriguez. Fuck. His light's bright. But the other day, I had an ex send me a nude. And I had to text her back really quick because I was at work,

and I sent her a winky face, a devil face, a shrimp emoji, and the spider web. She sent me the text message, do you want to come over later? I said, yeah, and in my mind, I was like, it'd be cool to visit memory lane. That's what I called it when I like came in little dots on her cleavage Ah! She said... Wow, there you go. Hey. You know what? You fucking did it, dude. You fucking did it. So far, believe it or not, that's the set of the night, and you did it, dude. You fucking did it.

So far, believe it or not, that's the set of the night. And you did it by bombing and getting angry about it. And you know what? That's the name of the game is being honest, you know, with the crowd taking us on the trip with you. Making a horse fart noise when you first got on the microphone. Yes. For those of you listening to the podcast,

Jeff Rodriguez is a young Mexican man that is dressed like an old white lady. I knew you were going to say that. I fucking knew you were going to say that. You knew I was going to say that? I just heard what your fucking jokes are. You're telling me... Why didn't you say that,

motherfucker? If you knew I was going to say... You could have come out and said, I'm a young Mexican man. I don't know why I'm dressed like an old white lady. You could have gotten that laugh and dropped the mic, but instead you're fucking... Oh!

Oh! Hey, shut the fuck... I hate it when people say they knew what I was going to say. It drives me fucking crazy. I knew you were going to. No, you fucking didn't. You fucking didn't, Jeff. What H-E-B do you work at?

You know, I did used to work in H-E-B. But now I work at. You really did? You used to work in an H-E-B? Yeah. Holy fucking shit. This is unbelievable. Is there any good H-E-B music that you have?

Is there an H-E-B jingle or a theme song or something? No? They don't have one? Just fucking H-E-B, come here. Juleberg. Does H-E-B stand for Hispanics Eating Butt? Yes. Does it? Does it stand for Hispanics Eating Butt?

The last name in it is butt, though. Okay. Anyway. So, Jeff, you said you used to work at an HEB. What do you do now? I work at VisionWorks. You have to keep the microphone down. VisionWorks.

No, not like that. Not like that. Right in the middle. Try to find somewhere. There you go. I work at VisionWorks. VisualWorks? VisionWorks. Not like that. Right in the middle. Try to find somewhere. There you go. I work at VisionWorks. Visual Works? VisionWorks.

VisionWorks. You're trying to make me the asshole here, but really. I'm this far away from you, and I don't know what you're saying. VisionWorks? Yeah, VisionWorks. Okay. What the fuck is that? I deal with eyeglasses in the lab.

Ah, I see, I see. How long have you been doing that for? You know, not too long, five months. How long have you had those sideburns? Two weeks. They are adorable. Those are the exact types of sideburns that lesbians try to grow out. Right when they're about to become the top lesbian.

Got the jacket for it. Like the tough one. Okay, what were you doing up until getting the job at the optical place? Amazon. Amazon. Oh, you were working in the Amazon cutting down trees or saving the rainforest alright

I was counting shit for like 10 hours I don't understand what you're saying you were can eating counting accounting you're covering the microphone with your hand and talking through it like you're a rapper

or something. This is my first time holding a mic. What's your rap name, MC Meg Griffin? Ha ha ha. That's what it is. There you go. There you go.

That's how it goes. I was trying to figure out. I spent 20 seconds sitting back here like, what the fuck is this reminding me of? I think that's what it was. Mae Griffin. So this is clearly your first time ever doing stand-up comedy, right? Yes.

Fayess? I've never really heard that word before, fayess. What does that mean exactly? You tried it somewhere else? Did a couple lines before a karaoke song or something like that? No. No? I don't know.

You don't know? What just happened to you, Jeff? Is everything okay? Yeah. What do you think was going to happen up here tonight? I wanted just to come up. I listened to your show at work. I love that. Like all the time.

Hell yeah. I work a 10 hour shift and I get to like wear headphones and pretty much listen to podcasts. You sure. Other podcasts. I get it. We don't need to name them here. We don't need to name them here unless their sponsors are Infinite CBD and BetDSI.com

Which they probably are. So Jeff, that's fun. Other than listening to podcasts, working at an eyeglass place, what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has some hobbies. Laser tag, twice-baked potatoes, what else?

Knitting his own clothing. I go to live potatoes. What else? Knitting his own corner. I go to live shows. What? Go to live shows. Like, what kind of live shows? I went to Austin City Limits, like, two days ago. No, like, two weeks, three weeks ago. Jesus fucking Christ.

My God. Good Lord. He goes to this great stage show called Thunder Down Under a lot. Man. Well, that's fun. You go to live shows. What else? What else do you do?

What do you do at home to relax and have fun? What are some of your hobbies there? I game on my computer. A game on my computer. I love it. Sometimes you answer everything normally. Sometimes you turn into the type of little boy that builds a cave in a classroom. You know what I mean?

It's like, me play game on computer. Me not feel so good. Oh, come back here. Me go to me cave. And by the way, now your wife's going to be mad if she's watching. Yes. That's where it happens. It's when I make fun

of the kid. It's not when... What a dork that kid is though, right? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Josh. I don't know. Crowd really turned on me there. We love that kid in his cave. Jeff. I've killed a lot

of kids in caves. Wow. Bing, bang, boom. Well, Jeff, congratulations, dude. I mean, I'm not kidding. You really did have some of the largest laughs of any comedian set up here tonight. I mean, maybe it was just because, you know,

you were really in the moment, and maybe it was on accident, but... It was completely on accident. Well, yes, Jeremiah? This guy looks like he drinks milk for dessert. You do. You do. You do look like that. Well, but you popped your cherry here tonight,

and congratulations to you. And so far, I got you as the frontrunner, believe it or not. The underdog, Jeff Rodriguez. Jeff Rodriguez. Jeff Rodriguez. Jeff Rodriguez. If there's a waitress that could hear me by any chance during this live show that I got a bunch of people to come to, if I could just have a half a glass of Coca-Cola at some point,

I'd really appreciate it. I mean, I promise it's not a joke. Okay, back to the bucket we go. That's my a joke. Okay. Back to the bucket we go. That's my favorite joke you do, Tony. The old half a glass of Coca-Cola. You know what I mean? It just works every time.

Okay. This one doesn't have a last name, just a last initial. Make some noise for Forest J. Forest J is coming to the stage. It's going to happen any second. I believe in this moment. Here he comes. This guy's on a true mission.

Found the worst possible spot to come through. Forest J, everyone. One more time for Forrest J. How's it going? I was thinking earlier about what the fuck I would say up here today, and I'm a little bit insecure about San Antonio lately. All the NFL and NHL relocations. We can't get a fucking sports team over here. We can't sell out a fucking Kill Tony.

Maybe it's because of this fucking theater. It's terrible. Okay. That route's not working. Okay, so I'll go to a one-liner. The only one I got. When I get off of work, I call my girlfriend. Not because I'm happy to see her,

but because I want her to make sure all the guys are out of the house before I get home. All the what? All the what's are out of the house? All the dudes, Tony. All the what? Forrest. Forrest. Forrest.

All the what's are out of the house? All the guys. All the guys are out of the house. Holy shit was that bad. I mean, really, just everything. You did everything that the last guy did wrong, but you did it wrong wrong. He did everything wrong, and it was all right, because it was right, but you did it wrong wrong. He did everything wrong and it was all right

because it was right, but you did it wrong wrong. I don't know if he inspired you, like ooh, maybe I should do bad and then just be like fuck, but that's not how it works. I put my name in before he got up here, if that's fair. Tony, I shot a man named wrong wrong. So you decided to come up here

and your plan of action was to turn the city against you. You talked about everything that San Antonio doesn't have and that they can't do. I'm just feeling insecure about us. What's wrong with us? I think you're just insecure, dude. All right, well, let's talk about it, Forrest. Forrest is really your name?

Yes, sir. Well, that makes sense. That makes sense. Why do you look like a kid who is granted to be the wish of an adult for a day? Forrest, this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. And, uh... I don't think he did it yet. What made you want to do it? This is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. I don't think he did it yet.

What made you want to do it? I love the show. I felt like I'd be a bitch if I didn't put my name in at least. There's a bitch. I have no problem killing women either. I felt like I'd regret it more if I didn't put my name in and didn't get called, but now I regret it that I put my name in and got called.

There you go. That's a genuine laugh you just got. That should help you sleep a little bit tonight. You did it. When you talked about regretting, regretting, regretting, they all laughed at you. So, Forrest, why should we like you? You came out and you dissed

the whole city of San Antonio. You dissed Kill Tony at one point. I'm born and raised here, and if anybody doesn't feel what I feel, why the fuck we can't get anything genuine around here? What do you mean genuine? We don't even have Kawhi Leonard. He didn't even like us.

Oh my god god You base your Hey how many of you want to beat the shit out of this guy right now You know what This is something really exciting For the first time ever on Kill Tony History We're going to beat the shit out of you Fuck It's our first ever beating

I'm very excited about this. We're going to put the bucket over your face, and I get the first shot. Fuck it. I'm going to throw an elbow, if you're wondering. It's going to be great. So anyway. Oh, you got to move to Austin out there from some garbage hecklers. More liberal anyway.

We can't even get fucking Beto in Senate. Dude, okay. Why don't you slow your roll? I don't know what your plan is here. You're the first ever heel we've ever had in Kill Tony history. You guys can't even fucking pay your

taxes, San Antonio. What is the deal with this shithole of it? I don't like the venue. I don't like the show couldn't sell out. I've never seen a heel in a performance fleece before. This is impressive. You are dressed like a grade school football coach. What's up?

What do you do for work, Forrest? I don't. I mean, I work. Of course you don't, you fucking asshole. You're part of the problem in San Antonio. Yeah. He comes

out here, he complains about the whole goddamn city and everything that they can't have and that they can't get and that they can't do. Turns out this fucker's not even paying taxes. I work. What do you mean you work? Well, I'm a student. Primarily, I'm a studenter's not even paying taxes. I work. I work. What do you mean you work? I'm a student. Primarily, I'm a student.

You're primarily a student. Yes, sir. Okay. What are you studying? Math. Mathematics. Mathematics. Yes, sir.

Why? Because I love mathematics. You love mathematics. Everything you say makes me hate you more. It's unbelievable. Who the fuck loves mathematics? No one loves mathematics. You know who loves mathematics? People that are afraid

that nothing will ever love them. You know who else loves mathematics? Yeah, who? Asians. Fuck. Forrest, this is a very hairy situation you got us in. What's the J stand for? Joseph.

Forrest Joseph. That's your last name? That's my middle name. Yeah, why are you afraid of your last name? You don't like your parents. I love my parents. Do you really love your parents? It would explain a lot about your hatred.

I do. You would fuck up the last name, though. I would fuck up your last name. Everyone does. Really? Write it down, piece of shit. I'm gonna fuck up his last name. This fucking asshole's got a goddamn answer for everything. Make sure you fucking spell it right, you piece of

shit. Okay. Okay. If I pronounce it correctly, you'll be honest, though? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm going to say Altus. Nope.

How would you say it? Altus. Altus? Altus. Altus? With a T. All right. All right.

I'll give you that one. You're right. That's a fucking fucked up last name. Clearly, you come from generation after generation of assholes. Yeah, clearly. Nobody ever made the fucking correction on that. Um, excuse me, it's Althaus. It's fucking year after year after year.

So when you say that you're primarily a student, that you do work, what are you talking about? How do you contribute to society? How do you contribute to San Antonio? What the fuck do you do other than taking scholarship money from some young Mexican kid? I assistant manage a local Italian restaurant. Italian restaurant?

What HEB is it in? Hey! It's HEB. It's HEB. It's HEB. You work at an Italian restaurant I cannot picture that Your manager there

With a fucking unkept beard like that And a backwards hat How old are you? I'm 22 Wow you're 22? Oh my god The years have not been kind to you, sir. Your anger has made you a 40-year-old man.

Do you know that? 22. Oh, my God. Forrest, Forrest, Forrest. What's going on here? What do you got, the Benjamin Buttons or something? At this rate, he has three years left to live. All right.

Well, I mean, we found no real redeeming qualities in you. I love the fact that you're a fan of the show, that you listen to it. I mean, but other than that, really, you're pretty much a dick, dude. But hey, this is the kind of show where we can talk about that and find that out about you, and I think everybody overall enjoyed it.

There he goes, Forrest J. Fuck yeah. Forrest J. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. Okay. Here we go. There goes Forrest J. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what

happens here. Oh, this is is interesting this is the first time ever in which we've had the last name first and then a comma and then the person's first name I'm gonna read it as it was written make some noise for Mara Quinn Jennifer Jennifer Mara

Quinn I'm excited about this. Jennifer Marroquin, our first lady of the night. Here we go. Come on. San Antonio, make some fucking noise for Jennifer. Jennifer. My name is Jennifer Marroquin.

I hate meeting men on Tinder because they don't know how to talk to women. I'll get a message and it'll read something like, hey, what's up? Not much. What about you? Same. Just bored at home. Where the hell do you go from there? And I know what a bunch of thirsty hoes are thinking, all right? Sure wouldn't be bored if I was there. But I'm not sleeping with every guy who messages me, hey, what's up? Just the hot ones. I honestly think I just get offended none of these guys

think to take me on a date. I know, surprising. A girl my size wants to eat first. Turns out I'm not a thirsty hoge, it's a hungry one. Little tip, little tip guys, want to get into my cookie jar? Try buying me a cookie first. Hell, even at Subway, the cookie does not come free with six inches of meat. You have to pay for it. Jennifer. Maraquin. Am I saying that right? Maraquin.

Maraquin. Jennifer Maraquin. Fuck yeah. All right. So is that true? You're on the dating sites? You're on Tinder? Yes. Yes, I am? You're on the dating sites? You're on Tinder? Yes, yes, I am.

You ever get catfished? No. I feel like I catfish people because I use Snapchat filters. Oh, hell yeah, you do. That's fucking catfish. That's the whole aquarium right there. That's the whole goddamn trick. Those fucking Snapchat filters make everybody look

beautiful. I once thought I was going to end up doing a podcast with a hot chick. It turns out Red Band was using Snapchat. I was a bunny rabbit. Everybody's cute with Snapchat filters. It's amazing. I got catfished a long time ago, and I

still went all the way with her. Really? Yeah. But it was the worst catfish ever. Like, literally, she was with, like, ten of her friends, and I came to pick her up, and I saw, it was like her roommate. I saw the girl that was in the pictures, and then this big, like, thing went over her like a clipster and just started coming towards my car. Jesus. What kind of girl gets picked up by ten of her friends?

What kind of stretch limo came to pick her up? I picked her up. Stephanie, we're here. All right. So, Jennifer, fuck yeah. I love it. Self-deprecation, real talk throughout the thing. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About five, six months. Five or six months. That's fucking awesome. I love that. Thank you. You live here in San Antonio. Born and raised? I was born I'm a military baby so I was born in Washington but we moved there when I was like

a year old. The Vietnam vets are very excited to hear about that. You were born on a military base. Yeah, we moved here when I was one, so basically born and raised here. You look like the groundskeeper at the

Wonka factory. Even I am ashamed of that one. You do look like the groundskeeper at the Wonka factory. That's probably something that you should be also talking about, Jennifer. What else do you got going on in life? Do you have a boyfriend or anything? I guess you're just dating, right? Yeah, yeah, just dating.

I have a day job at a call center. Let me ask you this. You said that maybe you're sort of guilty of maybe a little bit of putting out Snapchat filter type of pictures. Have you ever, how do you know, how do you go about that? And do you is there ever a part where you can tell in which they sort of like are like catching on or caught on or they're like half committed or like are they into it all the way

or are they like i'm not as attractive as my photo how do i know is there a part of the date or them seeing you in which they're like, you're not Jennifer, are you? Like that? No, no. I mean, the double chin throws them off. But other than that, they don't really make a comment. Hell yeah. Grow the beard out.

I might. I can't, but I'll make one. I fucking love it. Why'd you put your name that way? Why'd you have your last name first? Because she's a military brat. It's a military thing that you would know nothing about. You flat-footed fairy.

you flat-footed fairy I'm just used to seeing it that way everywhere else I love it what else are you into Jennifer you have any other hobbies or fun things that you do I make like keychains and coasters and stuff

wow really you sell them on like Etsy and things like that I try to but I sell like I make keychains and coasters and stuff in my free time. Wow, really? Oh, that's cool. You sell them on Etsy and things like that? I make keychains for the toes and ears. I try to, but I sell one a year. I horribly sell them, but yes. Huh. Wow.

I love that. What made you decide to start doing stand-up comedy a few months ago? Since I was a child, I've always really loved comedy. And one day I was just binge-watching a bunch of comedy specials on Netflix and I just felt like it was something I had

to do, something that I wanted to pursue and something that I could make a career of. Fuck yeah. That's so cool. How's the comedy scene out here here is there a lot of good mics yeah there's an open mic almost every week let me ask you this question what's more likely to give

you diarrhea Chipotle or Shake Shack I am I'm actually gonna go with Shake Shack I love that I think of the milkshakes. Yeah, I love that. I think milk and milkshakes. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

You ever shart? Huh? When was the last time you sharted? I'm not going to answer that on live radio. I guarantee you. Let's run a test right now. By her saying she's not answering, it definitely happened recently. Yeah.

Perhaps in the last few minutes. Jennifer, I promise you, honesty works well. I'm going to give you one more chance to answer this question. Last time you sharted, or a time that you sharted that you clearly remember, what was that like? Well, I had Shake Shack for lunch, so... Today? Yeah, today. Yeah, dude.

She's got fucking catfish in her underwear right now. That's what's going on. She's got a little bungle in her jungle, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. She's got a little fucking slum in her nom. You're like if Rosie O'Donnell and Rosie Perez had a kid.

And then locked it in the refrigerator for 20 years. I liked your set, but can I ask you a serious question? Yes. Why'd you kill Selena? There you go. That is how it's done right there. Joelberg is in full Joelberg mode right now.

And that, we appreciate your time, Jennifer Mataquin, and gentlemen there she goes great stuff yeah I think Jennifer is perhaps the front runner right now first time Shake Shack for lunch so it's not the only thing running on her right now.

Okay. What's the theme of the night? White first names, Mexican last names? Let's do it. Robert Montalvo. Robert Montalvo. Robert Montalvo. Here he comes. Uh-oh. Here we go. Here we go. One more time good and loud for Robert Montalvo, ladies and gentlemen.

What's going on, you guys? Any Catholics in the house? No? Catholics? No? Yeah. So I grew up going to Catholic school. I went like first grade, eighth grade. And it was pretty, it was okay. No, I wasn't molested. Calm down. However, I was watching the news recently, and I saw that the priest that used to do our weekly prayers was arrested for fucking with kids. Like, it's crazy. It blew my mind.

It's infuriating that Father Joe didn't want me. Like, what the fuck? Like, what the hell? I don't know. Like, all those times in confirmation. All those times just giving me my deepest, darkest thoughts. You know? He gave me wine.

He gave me wine, you guys. What a tease. It's infuriating. Anyways, that's all I got. Sorry. Alright. 50 seconds of thunder from Robert

Montalvo. Fuck yeah. I'm glad that you're here. You are and always have been my favorite super trooper out of them all. Oh wow. Good call. Always good to have on stage. I've always wondered what it would be like if David Blaine had a personality.

This is very exciting. You look like a Hispanic nutcracker, dude. Hey! I'll take that. Fucking love you, Joe. All right. So, Robert, first time on stage? First time ever.

First time ever. Absolutely. Boom. Another one. Sorry. Sorry. No apologies here. No apologies. I'm so nervous. Another one. Sorry. No apologies here. No apologies.

I'm so nervous. You have no idea. No apologies, which is one of your songs since you look like a Latino Dave Grohl. Hell yeah. Just sort of a reach, but he was in Nirvana, believe it or not. Okay. Robert Montalvo. So let's talk about it, dude.

The priest didn't really. Was that true? He didn't suck your dick? Well, no, of course not. The whole thing's true. He was in the news and everything. I was at home and all of a sudden I see him and I'm like, what the hell? This guy? I grew up with this guy. It's crazy.

It's amazing that out of everyone on stage tonight, you actually are using the microphone properly. Pretty incredible. I think everybody can hear you clearly. Shocking. First time ever on a stage. Yeah, big fan of comedy though. I've been following it since I was a child.

Have you ever done anything on a stage before? You ever do karaoke or anything? I was a manager. Not at HB. I was a manager. I don't want to say where because I do HR. I do hiring and stuff like that. Yeah, I do a lot of, not like this, like ever, but like maybe like 40 people max,

but nothing like trying to be funny. But I don't know, man. I'm not trying to be funny now either. I'm just answering. Stop. Hey, what the fuck? You're like afraid to look at me or something. I know, I'm afraid to look at everyone.

Are you kidding? It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. Come on. You sure you maybe didn't get molested and you just don't remember it? There's something wrong here. That's actually what I wanted to say. I wanted to say something like that.

You seem like you would be easy to molest. I wasn't molested in church, but I was. I didn't do something like that, but I did. Jeremiah? It's called suppressing memories. You'll get flashbacks later, guaranteed. Yeah, I mean, I'm not surprised that you're like this since you look like every prisoner in Guantanamo Bay.

He looks like a character from Dora the Explorer. Man, Robert, how old are you? I'm 31, man. 31, and you look 15 years younger than a 22-year-old that was up here a little bit ago. I don't know. Wow. Just kidding, Jake. Very interesting.

You seem like a guy that's into other arts. Do you play any musical instruments or anything like that? I never have, but I always follow music as well. Just music, comedy, just like that. I've always been a part of... The dark arts, maybe? I'm sorry? The dark arts? No. Oh, God, my laugh.

Wait a second. What the fuck was that? That's my laugh, man. That's my laugh, dude. I know. I know. We'll beat that shit out of you in boot camp, boy. Robert, tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. Any special skills or talents or anything like that? You have any weird famous family

members or anything crazy that might surprise us? No, not so much that. If there was a book of Robert Montalva, what would be an interesting chapter? Oh, man. I guess right now, honestly. I was just...

What? I would say right now, if anything, we just broke up with my girlfriend. Oh, you just broke up with your girlfriend? Yeah, like six years. You were with your girlfriend for six years and you guys just broke up? Yeah, it literally ended like a week and a half ago.

You just broke up with her? Eh, it's like mutual. It was eh, mutual? I know that everybody's going to be like, no. Jesus, Robert. I thought we were finally going to get somewhere. I find out you got dumped. Did you?

Was it because you put your fingers in her mouth? Because you look like Aziz Khan Carney. Oh. Oh, man. OK. So, Robert, how mutual was it really? It really was. It was just like we just got on it.

Did the sex stop a while ago? No, not even that. Really not even that. It was just more. No, not even that. No. No. You know what it is?

No, not at all. Not that. Nothing at all. I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like a strip club DJ. Whoa. What's up? Coming up. If you guys are sick of that girl For the last six years

Here comes the next Jennifer Jennifer Marderquin Who loves that There goes the stripper pole everybody It's gone now Hey I'm sorry pull everybody. It's gone now. To the stage. Whoa! Hey, I'm sorry.

Why do you always sound like you're on an out-of-control sled ride or something like that? Whoa! It's got to be because of my job. Like I said, I do orientations. How do you talk that fast? Why do you seem like you do cocaine off a fucking... I know, and I never have. I know. Everybody says that. Everyone. Yeah. Everyone. Everyone. everyone. I mean, fucking

everyone. Everyone, everyone says that. Everyone says I do coke. Whoa! I do smoke weed, though. You do? I don't believe that. Dude, I smoked out with you a long time ago. Whoa, dude! Whoa! Jesus, Robert. You're out of fucking control. You're getting

more energy as you stay up here. It's very bizarre. I just love you, dude. I do. I really do. It almost seems like you love me like I love me. Alright,

Robert. What do you love about me the most? How you roast the fuck out of people like me. Like, what the fuck? I couldn't hear your answer. What was that? No, I said how you roast the fuck out of people like you just did with me. You're the best, dude.

You're quick. Suck his dick. Suck his dick. Suck his dick. For those of you on your Kill Tony bingo cards, that's Red Band's fourth blowjob joke tonight. I just want to say San Antonio hopped on board eerily quickly for that chant. That was like one chant of Red Band going,

suck his, and you finished his sentence before. You guys really want this guy to suck my dick, huh? All right, here you go. Step behind these beads, my friend. Step behind the old... These are dick-sucking beads if I've ever seen them before. Go under the table. Go under the table.

Go under the secret table. There you go. Just keep saying it over and over again. We could hypnotize them. I'm good, I'm good. Oh, Jesus. Look at that. Look at that fucking chunky Mexican guy speaking up.

This fucking guy looks like he runs off of diesel-grade salsa. That guy just made it way too real. He looked at him and he said, it's gonna be okay, man. It's funny. When a Mexican guy gets too fat, it's going to be okay, man. It's funny. When a Mexican guy gets too fat, they almost turn Asian looking. You know what I mean?

Their eyes start to close up around it. They think the Raiders hat is going to give them some depth. It doesn't. It's not a Raiders. What is that, Dallas Stars or something? Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Yes.

The NFL team, the Dallas Stars. They are a professional hockey team, Jeremiah. He went from Ramon to Ramen. They're the hockey team. I'll snap right now. I don't give a shit. Cowboys.

I know about the Cowboys. I know that the Dallas Cowboys. It's the stars, right? Am I crazy or is that a red Cowboys hat? It's a red star, but it's Dallas Stars or Cowboys? What's the hat? It could be the Astros too. You're absolutely right.

It could be any of these things. Is that the Astros? You wanted to talk before, asshole. Now you're not responding? Gonna play fucking dumb? I've been making eye contact with you for 70 seconds. You're gonna pretend like you don't know who the fuck I'm talking to now?

Astros hat? You just bought the hat. You don't know what the hat is. Jesus Christ. Choose your side. Alright, Robert. Well, I mean, you got to giggle up here. You got. Choose your side. All right, Robert. Well, I mean, you got to giggle up here. You got to do your little fucking wacky noises. Did you have fun up here tonight?

Dude, I had a blast. I had a blast. Thank you so much. I had a blast. There he goes, Robert Montalvo, everyone. There he goes, Robert Montalvo, everyone. Montalvo. I'm going to pull another name out of this bucket.

He's calling his family right now. You'll never believe what just happened to me. Oh, my God. Can't fucking believe it. It was my fucking dream. I fucking love Tony so much. I love everything about him. The way he rose me. Okay.

It goes on and on. We can't understand how it lasts so long. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and that name is Mike C., ladies and gentlemen. Mike C. Whoa. From right in the... Here you go. Okay. All the people in the back blast right by him.

He's very polite. Here he goes. Watch your footing, Mike. Hell yeah. Here he is. Mike C., everybody. Hey, man. Hey. So I'm a new parent. I've been a parent for like five years now. Shit's weird. Like, I got a 12-year-old. Shit. It's like, hey, man, I find a woman.

She had a kid, you know. I wifed her up. And I love it. This little motherfucker is over here looking up at some weird-ass porn, though. And I don't know how to do with that as a five-year-old parent. He's looking up, like, anime porn. Like, what? I thought it was going to be, like, porn, like, big booty bitches or nothing.

But, like, anime porn? Like, what do I do with this? Like, what? porn like big booty bitches or nothing but like anime porn like what do I do with this? Like Nah man I got young ones I got young ones I can't even like

Paw Patrol. I'm like worrying about this This Oh shit man That is it Mike's seat I like worrying about this. Oh, shit, man. All right, my bad, my bad. That is it. Mic seat. This is another case of I had a lot of trouble understanding you. Believe it or not, yeah, you either said at one point that you have a 12-year-old

or that you have a Toblerone. I didn't quite catch exactly what you did. Are you currently raising a chocolate biscuit-covered treat? I got a 12-year-old son, but he's my stepson.

I treat him as my son. Sure. You know. I really hope Trump isn't watching this right now. Okay. You ever smoke Labrador, man? All right. All right.

All right. So I married my wife. We got kids together. And she had a son. She had a kid before. He's my stepson. Put the mic up to your mouth. I want to hear every single word of this.

I got a stepson. Yeah, you got a stepson. You married your wife. Your stepson is a 12-year-old Toblerone. And I'm dealing with shit that I wasn't even ready to deal with. With the wife or with the 12-year-old? The 12-year-old. Me and my wife, we good.

The 12-year-old is just going through that 12-year-old shit. Yeah, going through that 12-year-old shit. Right now, it's the porn. Yeah. You give him a smartphone It's just giving him porn right there You're just giving him a porn Okay

And is that true? You really found out that he was looking up anime porn? Yeah it's anime porn Yeah that's where I didn't know how to Jeremiah? I'm starting to think he's a better father to that vape pen than he is to the actual son. And you were surprised that he was looking up anime porn.

You wanted him to be looking up, quote, big booty bitches. Oh, I was hoping that was... Is that what you type into the porn search bar? Big booty bitches? I mean, if I died today, and like, yeah, that would be about it. If I died today?

That would be about porn search. What else is in your search box? Girls with nipples? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you need... I think Jeremiah's on to something here. I think you're adding too many words to your search things. Like if you type in big booty, I don't think you need to type bitches.

Like it's like bitches with big booties will just pop up anyway. And I use that term loosely. The term big booty bitches. A little dirt on it I love I love it that's what you look up big booty bitches that your first go to if you had to guess

what your first go to is or like bitches with vape pens he types in big hard clouts you like you ever been into like horny eony bitches, or do I call them HEBs? I fucking love you, dude. I fucking love it. What about Hunk?

Oh, you're awesome. This is great. Mike C., what do you do for a living? I'm an electrician. Electrician. Fucking shocking. Wow. Easy.

Man. So I feel like you became an electrician just so that you could always make sure your vape pen is charged all the way. Oh, man. What's in that vape pen? I feel like that's like high power wax because I can already tell I'm starting to understand you better now than I could literally four minutes ago. Like you have sobered up in front of me. You're not far away, man. You're totally on point. As always. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Mike, what ethnicity are you? You only

put C for your last name, the letter C. Mike C. You're asking what ethnicity I am? Yeah. I'm Mexican. A hundred percent? As in my last name, yeah. Yeah, what's your last name? Cavazos. Cavazos. Yeah. We've had the fucking, we've had

it all tonight, man. I think if Donald Trump listens to this episode, he's going to build a wall on the top of Texas. Just fucking lock you guys out. We have fucking the Cavazas, the Montoyos, the Marroquins, Rodriguez, fucking the Cavazas,

and the Herreras. This is a fucking goddamn... We could have had this thing at a goddamn Chili's Kitchen, and it would have been the same fucking lineup. My God. How long... Yes, take another hit. It's going to help.

It's going to help numb all of this. It's going to make it all fucking happen. It's so funny. We were just in Swansea, Massachusetts where the running theme was, you know, beards and flannel plaids. This is clearly where we've caught on to a black hat, black hoodie, play it down, loose jeans. You've got to have loose jeans in Texas, right?

Or I'll sure flag it. If I don't see some wrinkles in those jeans, we're beating them up. Oh, my God. You're so high, Mike. It's incredible. What's your favorite thing to do? You just have that one kid? Does it ever bother you?

No, I have three kids. Oh, you have three kids. He's Mexican. He said he was Mexican. Are they all? No, no. See, I'm not that Mexican. I only got two.

Right. You got two. I got a stepson, so I got three. How old are your kids? Five and two. Five got two. I got a stepson, so I got three. How old are your kids? Five and two. Five and two. Do you ever look at the 12-year-old that your wife had before and you ever look at him and you ever think?

I'm like, damn, man. Okay, I didn't finish the question. I know that you look at the kids sometimes. Ask him a question. I look at him like, no, man. He ain't doing shit that I was doing. He ain't doing shit that I was doing. He didn't do the shit that you were doing.

Like, what were you doing when you were 12? You had the first ever vape pen, just fucking smoking it. Yeah, man. Playing ball. What were you doing when you were 12? Playing ball. Playing ball? Yeah, playing ball. What kind of ball when you were 12? Playing ball. Playing ball? Yeah, playing ball.

What kind of ball? Basketball. Basketball. Oh, that's surprising. What did you do with the basketball? Put it on the ground and kick it around? No, no. I didn't say soccer, you guys.

I know. It's because you're Mexican, remember? I know. I didn't say basketball. Basketball. I ain't that Mexican. It's funny that you're the only person in the room that didn't say basketball I don't eat that Mexican It's funny that you're the only person in the room that didn't get why that's funny

No man, I said basketball why would I kick a fucking basketball? No dude It's my favorite thing that nobody ever talks about is how stoners get strangely mad sometimes too because the brain has to compensate for how happy they are like no man, what the fuck why

would you say that i fucking said basketball dude we were fucking connecting this whole time why would i kick a basketball that's illegal dude the other team gets the ball if you kick basketball i would have said soccer literally all words that just came out of his mouth that you couldn't hear because he forgot the whole microphone thing for a second because he took two huge rips of that vape pen that just hit him right about now. You have a pickup truck? Black pickup truck?

No? What do you drive? A Jeep. A Jeep Wrangler. A Jeep Wrangler. Is the microphone trying to have a mind of its own right now? You ever notice it looks like a bird?

Is there a poltergeist in this room right now? I think I should talk now. Jeep Wrangler, huh? That's what makes the demons come out? All right, Mike. All right. Well, I mean, this was a lot of fun.

I don't think we said a goddamn thing about your set. You have a 12-year-old that jerks off to anime porn. I say all the world to him. If I could have been stroking it at 12. Actually, that's probably around when I started. I had one of those weird, probably. I feel like that's probably, I mean, 12?

I think so. That's when I did it. 13 at the absolute latest. Playing doctor, but I wasn't stroking it. Playing doctor. I haven't caught him stroking it. You haven't caught him stroking it? No, no.

What do you think he's doing? Just letting it marinate down there? So far, it's just fucking up the show. You think he's binge-watching the whole season? What is your anime for? All right, well, Mike, you had so much fun up here tonight. I think that when you go home and re-watch this episode, you're going to laugh your ass off.

You're going to be really proud of yourself, and it was a lot of fun to have you for us as well. There he goes, Mike C., ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. The old little bit of the don't kill yourself fist bump for you. Everybody loves that. The clock is ticking. What do you guys think?

Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right. The bucket of destiny, the San Antonio vomit bucket, will speak in your final comedian of the night. Goes by the name of Patrick C. Huerta. Unbelievable. That's so ridiculous. Unbelievable.

Patrick C. Huerta. Here he comes. Patrick C. Huerta. With a black hat and black hoodie. Patrick C. Huerta. What's up, everybody? How y'all doing? Shit, I can't see nothing.

I recently lost 80 pounds in six months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Doing the keto diet and a lot of meth. Because meth, zero carbs. Very keto friendly. My wife wasn't a fan of me losing all that weight, though. She preferred me as a fat guy. I think she just wants my sleep apnea to come back, though. She performed me as a fat guy. I think she just wants my sleep apnea to come back, though.

You know? She's real turned on by guys that risk their lives on a daily basis, you know? Like cops or firefighters or fat guys that stop breathing in their sleep. Plus, I just got life insurance, so she's like, let's wrap it up, guy.

Alright, thanks, guys. Getting out a little bit early at 44 seconds. Patrick C. Huerta. I ran through that thing. What? I rushed right through that thing. You what? I rushed right through that thing. There you go. Sorry about that. There it is.

It was a good set. Good times. You've been doing stand-up a little while? No, just five months. This is like my 20th time, 25th time. Wow, very good. Man, a lot of these newbies are working beats up here. That's fun. How old are you, Patrick?

35. 36. 35, 36. Fuck yeah. It's amazing. It just turned his birthday right when he said 35. Just became 36 immediately. I'm going to stop counting though.

So 35. Hell yeah. Is that true? Did you really lose that much weight on the keto diet? Yeah. It's an old joke though. But you didn't really do math? No, no math.

But you did keto and you exercised? No exercise, just keto. No exercise, just keto. No exercise, just keto. Are you still on it? No, I've been off for like four months. Jesus Christ. You're actually right. Red Band did stop his keto diet.

I'm going to Texas. That was a pointless hackle, sir. No, I've been off for four months. I was 300 pounds. I got down to 200. Well, I was almost 300. How long have you been? I didn't get an answer because there's still, somehow in this

world of people that listen to this show, still assholes that think they can yell things out. By the way, a lot of people don't know this, but on the Kill Tony show, it's the only show where if anybody yells anything that interrupts the show, you're allowed to open hand slap the person that did it.

So if you sit right next to that person, you're allowed. So that should encourage more of you guys to be idiots. Now, what I'm curious about is how long ago you stopped the keto diet? About four or five months already. Four or five months ago, you stopped doing it? Yeah. Have you gained weight since then? Like 45 pounds. 45 pounds back on. So you lost 80 and now you're 45 back on. See, I love it. You rationalize your weight loss how I rationalize like gambling a little bit too much in Vegas. Like I'll go to Vegas and I'll like, you know, fucking drop, you know, we'll say two or 400 on a roulette table. And then I'll rebuy for another two and then another two trying to get it back.

And then I'll win. I'll win two and I'll be down 800. But I won 400, so then I'm just like, I won 400 last night at the roulette table. I can tell there's some other gamblers in the room that know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, I got off because I just stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

Were you hitting the macros, though, or just low carbs? What's that? Were you hitting the macros? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was testing my shit every day and everything. Okay, I can't tell them apart anymore. Can you guys? What?

I can't even read. You guys are, he's talking about you and him. Who is Red Band? Who's the Mexican guy? I don't know. Did you, when you quit, did you go right back into the worst diet ever? It started off like a cheat day

and then it was a cheat week. Welcome to another episode of Red Band and Brown Band. This is incredible. I need to get back on it because I feel like shit. Man, I feel like you guys probably have a lot more in common than just this.

We'll talk about it after the show. You have a 12-inch dick, right? Yeah. It's getting smaller, though. It was big when I lost all that weight. I love that you called the gape of your asshole your dick now. That's so cute. 12-inch gaping asshole.

Can you picture that, how weird that would be? No wonder I get diarrhea after Shake Shack and Chipotle. There's this wide-open flow down there. What's your butthole look like, Patrick? I have no idea. No idea. Who wants to see his butthole out there? All right.

Patrick, what else about you? What are some other fun facts about Patrick C. Huerta? Did I ask you what you do for a living yet? No, I do insurance verification for a DMV provider. DMV or? DMV, the insulin pumps. But when you say? Durable medical equipment.

Dope Mexican vatos. You are in charge of selling insulin pumps? I verify the insurance to see if they're going to be covered. What are you going to do when you have to get your insulin pumps? I get it for free. I get employee discounts. Are you going to be biased for yourself?

Yeah, well, it's free from my job. I love it. You married? Yes. Do you have kids as well? Not that I know of. How long have you been married for? Going to be six years. Six years. So we're almost done. And you don't have kids.

Why do you think that is? Why do you think you don't have kids? Is your wife Latino as well? Yeah. I like to pull out. Really? You do? Where do you like to shoot your loads when you pull out? Huh? Oh yeah. I like to pull out. Really? You do? Where do you like to shoot your loads when you pull out? The Vietnam vet likes to pull out, too. And we like to pull out of Vietnam.

Anyway, so when you pull out, where do you like to shoot? I know the Vietnam vet likes to shoot on innocent people. I don't have a preference. when you pull out, where do you like to shoot? I know the Vietnam vet likes to shoot on innocent people. Yeah. I don't have a preference. I just like, well, I pull out so it'll last longer, and then that never works. So I just... Oh, Jesus. That's the sound that it makes when the couch comes on.

It just farts all over. When I come, a lot of people don't know this, but a little fun fact. I've never talked about this on this show before. But when I come, I sound a lot like Mike C when he gets excited. Whoa! Whoa, look at that! Man, that was really good.

Really good sex. Really enjoyed myself. Whoa! Man. Patrick C, the fucking pull-out king over here. I like your fucking style, man. That's amazing. Seven years, no kids, full Latino.

You sure you got fucking fish swimming in the tank down there? I hope not, because I don't want no kids. You don't want kids? Yeah. Why is that? Because then he's going to have to breastfeed them. I don't know, man. It's just cool just not having kids.

I mean, we have a small place, and we do our own thing, and we don't have to worry about babysitters or nothing. But, yeah, that's how it is. I've never changed a diaper, so I don't want to start now. You've never changed a diaper before? Would you like to change Red Band's diaper? He's about time. It's about time for the doopy whoop.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. What's the weirdest thing about your wife's pussy? I don't know. I have to ask new questions sometimes, guys. Is there something weird about it? Is it a little thing? She's here, so I'm not

going to answer that. If she wasn't here, I would totally answer that. She's here? Yeah. Really? Where's she at? I can't tell you that either. Does she want to come up here and tell us the weirdest thing about her pussy? You can savor the embarrassment

by telling us right now. If you don't tell me soon, I'm going to have these two warlocks go and grab her from the back of the room and bring her up here. These two guys that are supposed to be guarding us from the White Walkers right now. These fucking tough guys. It's great. No kids came out of it, so it's still in good condition. It's in good condition?

Her vagina's in good condition? Jesus Christ. Next question, please. What do you think about this, Jeremiah? People ask me all the time what was my proudest moment to be a part of Kill Tony, and it was when Tony asked the man, what's the weirdest part of his wife's pussy? I feel like I'm on to something, because he has it locked and loaded.

He's like, dude, if she wasn't here, I'd fucking say it right into this microphone. But I can't fucking say it. Like, there is a little something going on there, right? Like, she has, like, some other dude's initials in her pubic hair or something. All right. What time did we start this thing? Yeah, that's it. That's what it looks like.

Patrick, do you have any... I play drums, by the way. Patrick C. Huerta plays drums, and I don't know if you guys know this, but we have a little tradition on this show. When somebody says they can play drums, there is a Mexican drum off. Let me explain... Joel hold on a second. Hold on one second. He said he thought he thought I had more to work with. That's what his wife says.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, Patrick. Just wait a second. Hold on. Let me explain the rules so that you understand completely. You play a drum solo, right? And if you are able to somehow... You go first, and then Joel will go. If somehow you are able to beat Joel, who, even though it's not necessarily factually true for the storyline of it, we say he's all-time undefeated as the drummer on this show. But if somehow you beat him, I just to let you know, you become the new drummer of the band. And you will go back. So if you beat him,

you're going back to LA with us. So good thing you don't have kids. And if you beat him, you're going back to L.A. with us, so good thing you don't have kids. And if you beat him, Joel is now selling insurance fucking insulin tubes. And so, yeah. So here we go. This is to close the show, ladies and gentlemen. Everything is on the line.

You want to hit some Mexican drum-off music? All right. This is it. Going first on the... Wait, wait, wait. You son of a bitch. Going first on the Mexican drum-off, here he is, Patrick C. Huerta. Wow That's pretty good That's pretty good

There's no toms over here I was all excited That there's some Tom work Oh Wait a second. And here to defend his throne, I present to you the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Yeah! Wow. That is how it's done. And still the Kill Tony drummer, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

How about one more time for Patrick C. Huerta? Yeah. And that is Kale Tony San Antonio. We have to reboot the whole room and get ready to do an entire crazy stand-up show after this. So congratulations to those of you that have tickets for that. You get to see us all do stand-up comedy. And thank you so much to all of you that came out tonight. Look at this amazing drawing from Ryan J. E. about San Antonio's very own first ever official Kill Tony

and Kill Tony drawing. Wow, it's got the Alamo in it. I fucking love that. Oh my god, oh my god, that is actually so fucking cool. Thank you guys so much for being here for this. This has been an epic fucking time. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? I have Kill Tony stickers and some CDs and stuff if you guys want to say what's up outside. And how about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Huh? You got that in you?

Don't forget to go to InfiniteCBD.com. Use the promo code TONY15. You get 15% off any purchase. Go to BetDSI.com. Use the promo code KILL120 when they match your initial deposit. Brian Redband, we did it. Kill Tony San Antonio. Thanks a lot, guys. We love you guys. Good night. Brian Redband, we did it. Kill Tony San Antonio. Thanks a lot, guys.

We love you guys. Good night. We'll see you in a bit. 222, is that you on the, is that controlled on your end on the sound? I'm going to get them to turn the lights real quick.