KILL TONY - KILL TONY #309 (AUSTIN)

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

Doug Benson, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/14/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, including video portions of the show. Also, click on Tour Dates.

Not only do we do the Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store in Hollywood, we also are on the road. We just announced a brand-new show, January 26th. We have Kill Tony in Phoenix, a special Kill Tony show there. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to DeathSquad.TV. There you have the official Kill Tony shirt. And you also have all the death squad merch, including mugs and hats.

Go to shop squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band. Coming to you live from cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Austin, Texas, make some fucking noise.

Wowzers. We are here. We are live. This shit is all happening. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, what's up, everyone? We are back.

It's been a long time since we've been in Austin, Texas, and we are live at Cap City, one of the best goddamn comedy clubs in the country. Yes. Everything is good. Room is great.

Staff is unbelievable. Sound is fucking perfect. Everything is in position. Hey, is that way in the back there, is that Texas' own Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen? The house artist. He is drawing tonight's episode. All the way from Los Angeles.

He's here in his beautiful home of Austin, Texas, visiting some family and killing two birds with one stone, selling amazing Kill Tony Kills Texas prints that you're going to see on your way out, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. They are unbelievable. There's only 100 prints that have been made, and so

eat it up on your way out. You're gonna fucking love it. They are priceless posters and Jesus fucking Christ. Wow. We have the mountain from Game of Thrones just sat down in the front row everybody. This is fucking incredible. My God.

I don't want to roast you too hard because I don't want to get my head squozing in Jesus fuck god lord you fuck this little Asian girl is that what's happening you hit that oh my god I've heard

of girls wanting to be choked during sex but fucking smothered covered and fucking you fuck her waffle house style don't you alright alright we have stuff we gotta get to here Smothered, covered, and fucking... You fuck her Waffle House style, don't you? All right, all right. We have stuff we got to get to here. Today's episode is brought to you by BetDSI.com, Austin, Texas.

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But, but, since Austin, Texas, you know, remember we used to do some shows at the Spider House Ballroom? We've done Kill Tony in this city before. How many of you have been to a Kill Tony in Austin, Texas? Some of the diehards back there from years ago. And, you know, it's an exciting time. You guys know that the show is just so much fun. It's always growing and expanding, and every once in a while, every once in a great while on these road shows,

I'm lucky enough to have a guest swing through and hang out with us, and I think you guys will be very pleased with tonight's special surprise guest. Austin, Texas. He's not going to be back here again until New Year's Eve. I present to you the great and powerful, one of our favorite

guests in the history of the show, the one and only Doug Benson. What? Oh my goodness. There he is. It's the real Doug Benson. Because I got high.

Getting Doug with high. Doug loves movies. Everything Doug. He's back here on New Year's Eve and he's with us here tonight. You've done this show numerous times. We love having you as a guest. How's it going? Listen, at least Brian Redman nails the live part of live reads. It's true.

He was here and living during those. I'm pumped to have you back I'm excited It's always good to be on this show But also to be at Cap City One of my favorite clubs in the country Is extra cool It is true All of our favorites come here

Ari Shafir shot a special here Brian and I Both on different occasions open for Joe Rogan at this club. I've been lucky enough to do a few weekends of my own headlining here, and it really is. So it's famous amongst comedians

as being one of the best clubs in the country. So how about you give them their own hand, the great Cap City Comedy Club, the staff, everybody. Legends. Legends. Every week, every episode of this show. You gotta like this part of Trump's wall

though. He's really getting it done piece by piece. There's enough Mexicans here to rationalize building a wall, right? Smack dab through the middle of it. Just make sure Tito's on the right side of it. Speaking of Mexicans and powerful white people,

this show has a band, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode, they commit to different characters. We never know what they're going to be. We never know what they're going to do. And they stay committed to those characters throughout the episode, observing the show, analyzing it, making their own jokes through those characters. I am so pumped to see what they're going to be tonight. Last night they were Vietnam veterans for the first time ever in San Antonio.

It was fucking epic. Make sure you listen to all these roadshow episodes, you podcast listeners, because we have such a blast. You know, on these roadshows you get to meet people of all different shapes and sizes and fucking stories, a lot of first-timers. There's a lot of tension in there. You guys feel that nervous energy? This bucket's filled with names. But before that, let's bring up the

band. They are the best damn band in the land. Make some noise. You guys love them. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Okay. They are coming It is a live show Here they are We know this lady right here

Oh my god Oh my God. Oh my God. Wow. She's back, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one and only Feminist Stacey. We have not seen you since the five-year anniversary of this show. You and Joe Rogan always get into big arguments. You are one tough lady. It's the real feminist Stacey. How's it going, Stace? You know, I've just been triggered lately.

Fuck yeah. And you are with the most flat-chested, flat-ass Mexican smurf I've ever seen before in my life. Okay. So you gotta have tits, huh?

Man, you ladies are fired up. Feminist Stacey, you're wearing the exact same thing Jeremiah was wearing earlier. Oh, am I not allowed to dress like a man? I can dress however I want. I fucking love it. Great job on the surprise guest. Typical man surprise. Oh, my God.

All right. I am pumped about this. We have the band. The feminists are here. The great and powerful Doug Benson, Red Band, Ryan J. Ebel. This is a fucking LA episode right here in Austin, Texas.

Packed house, sold out to the gullets on a Wednesday. That's pretty fucking amazing. That doesn't happen that often in comedy, but we've been packing out these Texas shows because Texas fucking gets it. I want to let you guys know I talk a lot of shit about different people, but you guys

are goddamn comedy cowboys, and I'm excited to ride with you. I have these bucket of names just filled to the absolute tippity top with big, crazy, cardboard, thick-ass names. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get to do some stand-up comedy, and then we interview you afterwards,

talk with you about your real life. You know your time is up during that stand-up set when you hear the sound of the bucket. That means you get to do some stand-up comedy and then we interview you afterwards, talk with you about your real life. You know your time is up during that stand-up set when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, the angry Sixth Street bear perhaps or something like that. Some

Austin thing. Throw in your own Austin. Dirty bear? Of course no need for an Austin bear because he's literally sitting in the front row with his Asian girlfriend. If anybody goes over their time today, just fucking swamp them.

Just fucking take them out. He was great in that movie, The Mountain Between Us. He was also great on Brokeback mountain he's literally if the mountain had a broken back wow uh you're not gonna believe this this is fucking crazy this is unbelievable who was with me is that you i was standing right you were standing right there too so check this out the only human being that even signed up today that I've met was just before the show. I walked out to the lobby for just a second at about 7 p.m. exactly.

Jeremiah and Doug were standing there. And a guy came up to us, and he introduced himself to us. He nervously shook my hand. I go, man, why are you acting like you're about to stab me? He's a nice guy, right? Nice guy. He was so fucking nervous. He goes, man, if my name, I can't believe this.

He literally goes, if my name gets pulled out of the bucket tonight, make sure I don't puss out. And I said, why didn't you say, why don't you just, instead of doing it, just dick out, huh? Why does it have to be puss out? Why does that have to be a negative connotation for push?

And then he's like, okay, I'll talk to you later. I'll continue talking to Tony. I was like, great, let's continue. And he said, he literally said, he goes, or I go, I go, just don't puss out, dude. If I call your name, just come up to this stage. He's like, I've never done this before. I'm like, just don't fucking puss out. I'm telling you right now.

Don't puss out. And out of all the names in this fucking bucket, he just got pulled. Ladies and gentlemen, I met him right before the show. I know for a fact it's his first time doing stand-up and there's no one more nervous in this room than him. Starting the show.

Make some noise for the one and only Barry, everybody. Here he is. Hello. I got finger-bankanged by a Native American. That's not a joke, it's a fact. I know what you're thinking. How? She was a savage.

Long story short, Native ex-girlfriend decided to trade a finger for anal sex. I was thinking a finger in the ass with a blowjob. I didn't know she was going to finger fuck me. I was laying on my back. She was going bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. If I had said stop, she would have. But I laid there and I took it like a man. Yeah, sure.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Barry wants to hold on. Hey, hello. Hello. Hi, everybody over there. You're just not listening to anyone else, huh? You little fucking feminists. This is why Hillary lost, by the way, if you're wondering.

You're trying to silence us. Jesus Christ. Pay attention to the patriarchy. We're trying to do a show. I'm sorry. Let's get back to his finger-banging material. Continue. Oh, my God.

Okay. Barry wants to finish. You got out on a big fucking applause. This is the fucking curse of Kill Tony. But go ahead. You want to finish? You got out on a big fucking applause. This is the fucking curse of Kill Tony. But go ahead. You want to finish? You finish it. Do it.

You got to do it now. Now you don't have a choice. I was laying on my back, taking it like a man. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I came in her mouth. She pulled her finger out of my ass and she went. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. I've made that last part up

Wow Fuck yeah Barry there you go You did it That was fucking amazing Man You fucking did it Barry You seem much more confident Than you did out in the lobby area earlier

How do you feel right now? That's your first comedy set ever. You got your fucking ass finger banged by a Native American. Native American. I feel like if you did an hour special, it would just be an hour of you talking about getting your ass fingered by a Native American. It's true. All right, Barry.

Well, I mean, I'm pretty surprised. I was looking at you. I never would have guessed that you're the you're the guy that has all that happening to your ass. Fucking amazing. So, you know, what was the what was the smell in that room like? Oh, God. I'm asking the tough questions that Red Band wanted to ask. I'm asking the tough questions that Red Band wanted to ask. Was that really your first time getting your ass fingered? Yes, probably the first and the last. No, no, no. We have a special treat for you, sir. How do you feel about drumsticks?

No, not those. We're talking about about drumsticks? No, not those. We're talking about chicken drumsticks. I'm going to shove cooked chicken into your asshole, Barry. See if it digests and come out of your mouth. Okie dokie. Did you ask for the finger banging in your butt, or did it just happen? Because if it just happened, that is rape. Barry, how old are you?

Oh, am I a ghost over here? What's going on? Hello! I'm a woman. I will not be silenced. Look at me, Barry! The old one in the pink, two in the stink happening right now. Did you like it?

No, I didn't. You didn't? No, I didn't. I fucking loved it. And you didn't say stop? Why didn't you say stop? Well, the deal was I could fuck her to her ass after I took that. God damn.

Look at you two just playing an old school game of cowboys and Indians. Huh? It's fucking. He's a strong negotiator. It was this time last year. It was my Thanksgiving. All right. Here's the deal.

One dick in your butt, three fingers in my ass. Deal. Sex Rochambeau. So you blew a load in my ass. Deal. Sex Rochambeau. So you blew a load in her mouth. Is that true or did you fuck her in the ass? No, that's true. I was laying on my back the whole time. You're laying on your back the whole time, fucking legs up in the air like every berry I've ever known.

And you blew in her mouth. So did you end up fucking her in the ass after that? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. What was that like? Was that your first time fucking a girl in the ass? No. Really?

No. Oh, yeah. Do you prefer that? That's top one. Do you prefer the ass over the vagina? No, I wouldn't. I don't think I ask anymore after that. I didn't like it.

I'm not going to put anybody else through that. You're not going to put her through you fucking her in her ass or her putting fingers in your ass? I'm confused. I don't know whose asshole we're talking about anymore now, Barry. Yeah, so let's go to Feminist Stacy. Why do I feel like the condoms you put on are flannel as well? Let's go to feminist Stacy.

Why do I feel like the condoms you put on are flannel as well? Barry is built like a real Texan. You know what I mean? Just fucking man stuff. He has a short-sleeved plaid flannel on. Oh, it's long-sleeved. Wow, you have it rolled up like you're about to jam your arm up. Somebody's innocent asshole. You just always roll around like a fucking Texas

proctologist. He's ready to lumber jerk. Do you know what finger she used? Did she use her thumb or her pointer finger? Oh, the middle finger. She fucked you with the fuck you. So how old are you, Barry?

29. You're 29? I'm 29. Man, Jesus Christ, man. Fucking hell. I've drank half the whiskey and smoked all the cigarettes. Wow. I look a little older than I am.

Fuck, hell yeah, dude. Maybe getting your ass fingered took some years off that as well. What do you do for work, Barry? I'm a driver. You're a driver? What are you driving? Fingers up your ass. You can tell Barry's the one driving because he's always the guy that sort of has to keep his ass up off the seat when he's driving.

As the old soret Barry over here. What are you driving, Barry? My guess is an ice cream truck. No, I'm a ride-sharing driver. A ride-sharing driver. Like an Uber. Oh, that's a fancy name for an Uber driver. So I'm locked in.

That's like when a dentist calls himself a doctor. Yeah. Oh, I work in the ride sharing business. Uber X. All right. I fucking love it. What kind of car are you Ubering people around in? I rent a car, so it changes.

You rent a car in order to Uber? Barry, I don't like this business model whatsoever. You can fucking do better than this. You can go to betdsi.com right now and they will match your initial investment, start just betting on UFCs and NFL and take a fucking chance because

I think your business model is broken. You might want to shove some fingers on the old... Anyway. I thought he was going to say he drives Uber Brown. Yeah. It's fucking this guy. It's amazing.

All right, Barry. Well, you did it. You had your first ever time doing stand-up comedy. And I'll tell you this. It was a fucking really good set, dude. It was all honest up until that lie at the end. But you know what? It's all right to fucking fib once in a while.

Once you tell the truth a few times, you earn the trust, and you fucking took us on a trip. Can I tell you something, man? Oh, shit. I've been trying to do Kill Tony for a minute. It's been a few years. I actually have a ticket for Houston February 1st this year that I never got to use because I got my car totaled. How did that happen? You were

driving people in an Uber and the whole family's dead now? No. Nobody died. But it's been a long time coming, man. I really like this show. Well, it's been a long time coming into a Native American's mouth indeed. And do it again been a long time coming into a Native American's mouth indeed.

And do it again, man. Keep it up. Hey, everybody has their own crazy path and this guy fucking totaled a car and got pulled out first after nervously introducing himself to us. That's what's fucking magical about this show is anything can happen and you got to start it off

to a bang. Barry, everybody. He's very excited. He dropped the mic accidentally. There he goes. Barry, everybody. There he goes. One more time for Barry, everyone. There you go.

There he goes. Be very careful with the whole step situation over here. A lot of people get fucking nervous coming to a stage for the first time. They just start sprinting, and then they have a nosebleed for the rest of the night. After the old fall. If anybody falls, you catch them. Lay out like a Secret Service agent for that shit. Give them a nice, soft landing.

Okay, now the name is ready. You guys get it? We having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian. His name is Michael Kruk. Michael Kruk. Here he comes.

What's up? I'm really against the term gentlemen's club. Not because I'm against sex work, because that's work. I'm just against giving people titles while they're wearing sweatpants. Like, you're never going to go to an IHOP and get called, like, sir. They're going to look at you with disdain every single time. I'm pretty sure I've never shaved my balls correctly in my life.

You know, like, I'm just embarrassed to show it to a girl, like, on our first date. Stop. But, you know, and it's one of those things, you know, I really just didn't want it to look like that guy from Back to the Future, Doc Brown. Instead, my balls just end up looking like they really like vape juice and want to go half on a gram. That's all I got tonight. Thanks. Okie dokie.

First of all, I have to thank you for taking time out from your work at NASA to be here today. You're welcome, Bob. Wow. Michael Kroc, Doug. Wow. Michael Kroc, that's a minute right there if you're wondering what a minute was. That was the sound of an actual minute. You didn't have to tell me. Every girl in my life has told me.

Oh, Michael saves all his best jokes for after his set, everyone. Hell yeah, dude. Finally an honest man. You look like my neighbor. Michael, stop.

Okay. Stop. It's not going to work anymore. Uh, fuck yeah. So you did it. Yeah, it was a,

uh, that was a little bit of a struggle. Is there any truth to that shaving the balls thing? How would your balls possibly look like Doc Brown right now? Yeah, dude, they're full Doc Brown. Just like hair sideways.

Okay. I don't think you're understanding the question. Really, it's like Doc Brown has white hair, for example. Is your hair white down there? Yeah, I'm in my 30s now. This is all dye. I'm 45. My balls aren't gray, though. Like, what the fuck is wrong with your dick? Is he a ghost?

Don't you know you can use Just For Men for your balls like Brian does? I'm just sweating. I'm 45. Sink in. So, Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months.

All here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. This is where you live. It is. And what do you do for work? I manage a Walgreens. You manage a Walgreens. How long have you been doing that for? Like four years. Wow. Is work? I manage a Walgreens. You manage a Walgreens? How long have you been doing that for?

Like four years. Wow. Is it a 24-hour Walgreens? It is. You guys sell cigarettes there? It is. Yeah, we do. We do.

We do. It is. And you do. Okay. Wow. Michael, you have such an unlikable personality. It's incredible. I love you too.

You're just like real smirmy. I can tell it's not who you are. I can tell you're a good guy with good intentions, but you just come across as an asshole. Am I right, or are you just an asshole? No, no, no, I do come across as an asshole a lot. Right. It's that autism.

Oh, you have autism? Yeah. Oh, I have a lot of friends that use that as an excuse. I know a lot of comedians that do that. Oh, I have autism? Oh, I have a lot of friends that use that as an excuse. I know a lot of comedians that do that. Oh, I'm on the spectrum. Alright, sure you are, you fucking dick. People say to me, you're acting weird. I go, I have

Austinism. Wow. A doctor has told you you have autism? Yeah. Yeah? Why? What's autistic about you? What's the most autistic thing that you do?

I have very low empathy. Low empathy. Yeah. Yeah. Just like incredibly low. Like I don't give a shit. Yeah. So do I.

But I'm not autistic. You could be. Have you been tested? Michael, what did I tell you about fucking talking? Jesus Christ, this guy. Have I been tested? Michael, what did I tell you about fucking talking? Jesus Christ, this guy. Have I been tested? Who's asking the fucking questions over here? Piece of shit.

Everybody thinks once they get their autism card out that everything's fine after that. You should get tested. You should kill yourself. You don't seem very autistic. I'm high functioning. Okay should get tested. You should kill yourself. You don't seem very autistic. I'm high functioning. High functioning. Me too. You're high functioning. Doug's functioning high.

Okie dokie. Alright. We are off and running. Did you have the man bun before or after you were diagnosed autistic? Why do they... Sierra Walgreens, you're how old are you? 31.

31. And what made you want to start stand-up comedy four months ago? I've just been watching it my whole life. I grew up in San Francisco, right above the Golden Gate, so it was just kind of like... Wow, all that time over that bridge and you never jumped off one. You totally had the chance for all those years. So many people travel there to kill themselves. God was literally like, you shall be born on the bridge that you will jump off of.

Nah, I'm going to move to Austin, manage a Walgreens. Ah, shit I gotta do well what are some fun facts about you Michael what do you like to do for fun I play video games do stand up now and nothing else you play video games and that's it

because stand up doesn't count work doesn't count on this question that I always ask you really You play video games and that's it. Because stand-up doesn't count. Work doesn't count on this question that I always ask. You really just play video games. Just play video games. Really? Yeah. What else? There's got to be something else in your life.

I mean, you know, I'm in the hospital a lot. I just got my eye poked out in jujitsu last year. Oh, there you go. Okay, that's fucking interesting. Was it poked out by a Native American woman by any chance? She may have not been trying to hit your eyeball. Did you get pink eye after it happened? Because of the poop.

Did you get pink eye after because of the poop? No. You got your eye poked out in jujitsu. What kind of belt do you have in jujitsu? A blue belt. There you go. The Smurf loves blue belts over there. I love it, man.

So how long have you been doing that for? Three years. Three years. Alright, well, I fucking love it, Michael. You seem, you know, you seem like you're excited about being here tonight. Just think of it this way. You've been the second best comedian on the stage so far. And that's something exciting.

Anything else for Michael, guys? Yeah. Do you feel like your autism helped you in jujitsu? No. Bye. There he goes. Michael Crook, everybody. He's on Twitter at

Michael underscore Crook. K-R-U-C-K. We are off and running. How many of you like it when comedians do good on Kill Tony? How many of you like seeing people bomb up here? Whoa. That's fucking 80-20 if I've ever heard it before.

That was meaner than San Antonio. All right. Well, this is interesting because we did have a young lady with this first name go up last night in San Antonio. I'm interested to see if it's the same person. Feels like it almost has to be. Make some noise for Clarissa Arispe, everyone. Clarissa Arispe. Here we go. It's a different person.

It's her first time on the show. Make some noise for Clarissa Arispe, everyone. I am indeed a different Clarissa. What's up, you guys? Woo! Have you ever tried getting creative when training your dog a different way? Recently, my boyfriend decided to put a leash on me and teach my dog how to sit.

And needless to say, it worked, if anyone was wondering. I'm originally from Houston, Texas. Ow, ow! And when I moved to Austin, I thought it'd be a good idea to try and join a cult, because that seemed like the Austin thing to do. So I got invited to some dude's apartment and I showed up and he was cooking a vegetarian dinner in a man diaper and I was like fuck this

he said nothing about a vegetarian dinner I'm gone fuck that my boyfriend and I have been dating for three years he signed up tonight too and uh when we first started dating he sent me a text while i was at work and said he sharted in my bed and i was like this is awesome i've always wanted a guy to be romantic enough to save the sheets that he sharted in just because he thought i had sentimental value with them so thank you babe hell yeah clarissa arispe arispe am i saying Clarissa Arispe. Arispe? Am I saying that right? Arispe? Clarissa Arispe. We have had two Clarissas in two nights on this show. That fucking is unbelievable.

Right, Joel Berg? Yeah, I bet she's going to explain it all, too. Ooh, yes. Yeah, kind of joke about that as well. You do? How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Whoa!

Hello. about that as well. You do? How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Whoa! Hello! The goat of the first-timer. That is so fun. Clarissa, is that really true? Did your boyfriend put a leash on you? So this was after my dog was already trained to sit. We were actually training

him how to lay down. And we were like, we're fucking high as hell. And we're like, let's put a leash on me. It was just like a fun joke. So he put a leash on you? Wow. It was fun. Yeah, we cracked up about it afterwards.

My dog was kind of like, what the fuck? And the cats, too. God, that's incredible. How many fingers did you shove in his ass? Are you the Native American? All right. Wow, that's a lot of fun. What kind of dog do you have?

He's a pit bull mix. Ooh, that's a fucking lawsuit. Named Curtis. That is so cute. It's coming. Yeah. Your lawsuit. Still has his balls.

Fucking hate pit bulls. I hate everything about them. We actually have your dog on the line right now. It seems like it's home alone and very sad. That seems like a dog that has seen its mom on a leash before. It's like it has some deep issues.

Fuck yeah. Clarissa's first time. Doug, what do you think about this? I think pit bulls are misunderstood, Tony. They are. There's always a crazy pit bull owner out there. They're not crazy, they're nice. Anybody hear that extended clap? Just like, I fucking love it.

I can't do anything fun with him, like take him to a dog park, but he's the best. Clarice, oh, feminist Stacey. Can I just say, just listening to the person who is your boyfriend, you can do better. He put a freaking leash around your neck and sharted in your bed, and you're like, ha, silly Billy, ha.

I was actually the one who bought the leash without him knowing. Whoa. Yeah, you also bought. For yourself. It's true. Wow. You also bought the sharting story. I bet you there's more to it.

Is there more to it? Was it a lot of shart? Was it just a lot? It was actually a tiny bit. It was really weird. We just met, and I was at work, and he was like, I have something to tell you. I'm on the spectrum.

You sharted in your bed. How does that even happen? I don't understand. It's called a shart attack. It happens once a week. Wow. I don't really get that. I can't imagine sharting in a bed,

but of course I always make sure I have brown sheets and comforters. I wouldn't really know. I had white sheets at the time, so I was like, wah. Oh, did it soak through? Now we have tie-dye, so anything can happen. Ew. Oh, did it soak through? Now we have tie-dye, so anything can happen in those.

Ew. Oh, hell yeah. You can have your period and shit in the same night. Who gives a fuck? Leave the cotton in the bathroom, babe. Dude, your house smells like patchouli and sage, I bet. It actually does. Yes, it does.

Thank you for that. Bye. Nailed it. Clara, so you just did stand-up for the first time. What do you do for work? So I am a full-time server in downtown Austin. I'm an artist.

So I just... Oh, so you're an artist? Oh, so you're a full-time server. Very cool. Your boyfriend's a shardist. When you say artist, do you mean like you paint things and things like that? I started out as a photographer for a very long time,

then moved to Austin, was broke, decided it was a good idea to sell my camera, and since then I was like, I got to do other shit. So I've been doing painting and graphic design. How about this boyfriend that sharts around the house all day? What does he do for work? He's also a server, also an artist. Oh, yeah.

He's a shartist. He's a shartist. Man, that's so fun. How long have you two been together? Since shart week. It's about that. About three and a half years now. Three and a half years.

We met here in Austin. You met here in Austin. Where did you guys meet at? For those of you listening to the podcast, she just gave a tell of dirty guilt. Not dirty guilt, just funny. He was actually my server at another restaurant that he doesn't work at anymore,

and I was with my best friends at the time, and they were telling me a really tragic, sad story, and there were a lot of emotions involved, and I was just sitting there like, do I give this guy my number or not? And I left him my number. Wow, sounds like a really healthy relationship. Oh, yeah.

The healthiest ever, I swear. I'm so confused why that answer was so long and I still never really got an answer out of it. I explained it all, man.

That answer was longer than your skirt. Oh, yeah. It's not even touching the floor. She's wearing a long skirt for you podcast listeners. Yeah, we can show

our legs now. Or we can cover them up. It's our choice. That's right. So you've been with each other for three years. Other than a leash around your neck, what's the next craziest thing you got you and your boyfriend have ever done in the bedroom?

You guys are both waiters. He ever give you the old fucking... So I used to barista here in Austin at a place called Irie Bean. You don't need to just keep going with the story. Oh, sorry. I used to barista here in Austin at a place called Irie Bean? You don't need to just keep going with the story. Oh, sorry. Is there any Irie Bean fans in the house?

Anybody? Irie Bean, hello! That's where I get my cup of morning, Joe. Irie Bean, you guys? No one's ever heard of it. And I showed up with, this is a Joe Irie bean you guys no one's ever heard of it and um I showed up with

this is a horrible story yeah we know I love that uh oh it has begun to finish it off we were having sex and I hit my eye on the headboard

and showed up to work with a black guy. A black guy? A black eye. Wow. Black eye. Was he, huh? This is Tyrone. I was going to say,

your work is not going to understand you showing up with a black guy. I did not. No. I put makeup on, so they didn't ask about it. The kinkiest thing, other than a leash around your neck that you guys have ever done in a bedroom,

is you showed up to work with a black eye. She lied about it and said she got that. I had eyeshadow on. No one really. I mean, it was just kind of confusing because I don't really wear makeup. So I showed up with a bunch of makeup on. They're like, what the fuck's going on? Oh, you're saying that you hit your eye on the table on the headboard while getting fucked.

But I don't understand. The headboard's like a flat surface. Or was it like the top of the headboard while getting fucked. But I don't understand. The headboard's like a flat surface. Or was it like the top of the headboard? It was a rail metal. It was one of those that has a lot of space. Oh, hell yeah. You got fucked Ikea style is what happened here. I know what's going on here.

An autistic bed frame. There you go. Yeah, exactly. All right. Anything else for Clarissa, guys? Nope. Two in the flergen, one in the jergen. What?

Why? Why? Because you said Ikea. I'm too fast for everybody. She just did Santa for her first time ever here at Cap City in Austin, Texas. One more time for Clarissa Arispe. Arispe? Hashtag 20-something TV

it says next to her name. I bet she does it again. And I bet that at betdsi.com using the promo code killtony120. Ew, you corporate sellouts. I do. You want a beverage too? Let's do it. Make the order for us.

It's a Tito's and soda for you. Tito's and soda for me. Crown and Coke for me. Jack and Diet. And a Jack and Diet for Red Band. And a vegan powder with water for me. May I also have a vodka soda, please? Okay.

Well, there you go. So two Tito's sodas, a Crown and Coke, and a Jack and Diet, and a powder, protein, whatever. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Drew Bear. Drew Bear. Here he is. All right. So, hey, do you know that when slavery

first started in the United States, they brought white people over? They gave up on that. Because no one could take three straight months of hearing, we're on a boat! So, uh,

I'm going through a divorce right now. Really. Really. Really sucks. But, you know, my ex and I, we really did, like, try everything before we called it quits. You know, we did couples counseling. We did a little romantic retreat. We even read this book to find out our love languages.

So it turns out my love language is words of affirmation. Her love language is physical touch of her coworkers... ...on their dicks. Fuck yeah. Drew Baer. Let's get into it. All right, all right. Let's Let's get into it Let's just jump right into it Is that true? You're getting a divorce?

She cheated on you? Yeah she did With one of her co-workers? Two of her co-workers I'm fucking sort of hard for some reason All of a sudden Where does she work at? She works at a hospital

She's a fucking nurse All of a sudden. Where does she work at? She works at a hospital. Oh, damn. She's a fucking nurse? Yeah. Okay, I just got to jerk off into this bucket real quick. I'll be right back. How'd you find out? It was one of those things where she was like, she was always on the phone,

and then this guy was so stupid. He liked every single one of her pictures on Facebook that didn't include me in it. And this guy was so stupid. He liked every single one of her pictures on Facebook. Oh, what an idiot. And he included me in it. And I was like, hey, what's up with that? This guy is so stupid. He was liking all her pictures and he was having sex with her. He was the dumbest guy ever.

Yeah, you knew right away. Anytime somebody likes your lady's pictures, cheating all the way. Judge, jury, executioner. If that dude's liking pictures without fucking your Willem Dafoe looking ass in it, then fucking... How long were you married for?

Ten years. Oh, Jesus. Do you still manage that hotel in Florida? Let me ask you this. What were the... What was their occupation? Was it the hospital janitor? Was it fucking surgeons?

What are we talking? Other nurses? Let me just say before you answer. My least favorite would be other male nurses. I'd be like, God damn it, babe. You could have fucking done better. Yeah, like a doctor. Yeah. It was her male nurse boss.

The nurse supervisor? Yeah. She is a nurse, right? ER? No. She collects semen samples. She works at the fertility clinic. Pediatrics?

No, it's like radiology kind of stuff. Oh, damn. Damn, they gave her the bone. Hell yeah. Man. She got fucked in the radiology part of a hospital.

God, that's fucking rough. That's sexy. And he found out by x-ray. It was crazy. Yeah. How'd you find out there was multiple ones? Did she just admit it?

Because when he held up the thing to the light, he saw two dicks inside around him. No, one there and one there. That's two dicks. That's incredible, Drew. Is Bear really your last name? No. That's your stage name.

You go by Drew Bear? Oh, that's what my mom calls me. Aww. Wow. Just think, she's probably my mom calls me. Aww. Wow. Just think, she's probably taken two dicks at once, too. Alright. Tone it down, Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah.

It's a mother who birthed him you're talking about. Hell yeah. I love it. Did your mom used to dress you up in multiple forms of denim when you were a child? Yeah. Yeah, she was. She always dressed you up like a fucking gay teddy bear? So Drew, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Like half a year. Half a year? Yeah. Wow. This is incredible. This is like if somebody took Dennis Leary back 30 years It's so fun Did you start after the divorce?

I did, yeah Oh, that's great Hell yeah Joelberg, Detective Joelberg Well, she's been secretly doing stand-up this entire time We're gonna bring her out right now Put your hands together for 2DickDebra, everybody It's incredible

So, Drew You've been doing this a couple months, you said? To Dick Debra, everybody. It's incredible. So, Drew, you've been doing this a couple months, you said? Six months. Six months. What do you do for a living? What do you do for work? I make guitars. Oh, you make guitars. You know, not a lot of people know this, but I read the other day that guys that make guitars

are most likely to get cheated on by their nurse wives. Did you know that, Drew? So you can say this now. You probably cheated on her once or twice during it, no? Yeah. What the fuck's... Oh, that guy that you fucked before, Drew. That's the one you cheated with, yeah.

He just fucking threw you right under the fucking... He threw you under the bang bus. No, I don't think this guy knows how hot he is. I think that's the problem. Joel, what's your name again? Macy. Her name is Macy. Macy, if you think he's hot, then maybe you should fucking give him a kiss.

Who wants to see that? Who wants to see? Do I have consent? What the fuck was that? Who kisses on the cheek? This is a sold-out Cap City crowd. I have a cold sore. Oh, my God.

It's the most anticlimactic shit I've ever seen. I usually don't like to dog other women, but you kiss like a bitch. My lips. My lips. My choice. All the opportunity in the world. Macy goes for the fucking half cheek lips. By the way, your cheeks have herpes now. Had you spit in his mouth, the place would be on its feet right now.

I'm going to finger his ass later. I'm on the spectrum. Oh, shit. I love it, man. I love it. So you make guitars. You just started stand-up. What else?

What else does a guy like Drew Baird do for fun? Did you star in the movie Old Footloose? Old Footloose. Old Footloose Old Footloose Yeah Put on my Sunday shushus Alright Drew what else? Any hobbies or anything like that?

I like work on cars Of course you do Look at you You fucking dude Oh I'm so wet right now Cover up Dude, look at you. You fucking dude. Oh, I'm so wet right now. Cover up. You're coming off as a whore right now.

I'm going to flick my bean to this later. Okay, you are not representing women well at all right now. You're going to flick your Ira bean? Yeah. Yeah. Do you think fixing cars is in your jeans? Joelberg is at video game cheat code mode right now.

All right, Drew Bear, you've been doing it a few months. You fucking just had fun on Kill Tony. That was fun times. Congratulations on everything. Fuck, I mean, I was going to say fuck your wife, but you can't.

She's already doing that with her coworkers. But you should be really proud of that fun interview and what you did here tonight. Congratulations. And welcome to the Kill Tony family. Drew Bear is on Twitter, all one word, at DrewStandUp. This is fun. This is a fucking fun episode. There's a don't kill yourself

fist bump just for shits and giggles. It's a fun episode so far. We're in the fucking zone. Everything's happening. Some fucking pussy power over there. Whoa, your pussy's that big? Wow. It can be. Oh.

Jew bear, call me later. Yeah, you work on guitars. Macy wants you to remove her G string. Oh, damn. The fucking band is on fire. I'm going to feed you guys Cracker Barrel for breakfast every day from now on.

These guys are happy. Unstoppable. Feminist Stacy loves Cracker Barrel, by the way. I don't like their policies. I love their food. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I love their food. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This should be interesting.

Make some noise for Special Ed. Whoa, he has his own pop coming from the back middle of the room. That's usually a good sign of some kind. Here he comes. One more time for Special Ed. What's up, guys? What's up, Austin? My name's Edwin. They call me Special Ed. It's way better than my last name, Retard Ed.

I'm from Dallas. Last time I was in Austin, I slept under a bush. No fucking lie. I slept under a bush. Me and my friends were here pre-gaming, going to 6th Street. I made it out to 4th and a half Street. They threw me out of the car. They threw me into a bush. I slept the whole night. I woke up the next morning next to a homeless man. I was fucking little spoon. Fuck that.

It's way better than the last time I went to New Orleans. My friends threw me into a truck that wasn't mine. Got me arrested. I woke up at into a truck that wasn't mine, got me arrested. I woke up at 6 a.m. in the morning. A redneck with a shotgun to my head. A lady with a pan on the other side. Combined, they had about 12 teeth together. It was the most Cajun shit I've ever fucking seen.

That's about it. Shit, damn. That's all y'all are fucking getting. Meow? There you go. You fucking nailed it. That's about it. Shit. Damn. Special ed with

his famous closing line. That's about it. Shit. Damn. You might be a redneck. Turning a fucking El Jefe Foxworthy there, Special Ed. Or should I call you Retard Ed? That's your real name? Your real last name is Retard Ed?

Whose last name is a thing and another thing? That was my last nickname. Your last nickname. Nickname, okay. It was Retard Ed. That was my last nickname. Your last nickname. It was Retard Ed. It was Retard Ed. You are gathering a lot of the cord in your hands right now. I thought he was going to do a magic trick

at the end. So here we are. That just happened. You tried to tell what appeared to be a true story there at the end that really wasn't funny at all but I am gonna ask you about it so if that was your master plan

was for me to take that fucking bait I'm going to so what the fuck happened? someone put you in a truck? was it a migrant caravan? it might have been Tony there are people too so explain to us what you were trying to say The immigrant caravan? Yeah, that was it. It might have been, Tony. They're people, too. So explain to us what you were trying to say.

So we went to New Orleans, and it was our first night there. And then I was pretty fucked up, so my friends tried to get rid of me. They threw me in a truck, and I woke up the next morning. I don't think they're your friends, dude. No, they're not my friends. They threw me in a truck and left me there. And then I woke up the next morning with the owner of the truck knocking on my window. They

called the cops. The cops come. They get me arrested and stuff. It's pretty crazy. Yeah. I get away though. I get out. They let me go. I tell them, hey. You didn't do anything wrong. You just what? I broke into their truck. Oh, you

broke into their truck. Just to sleep. They threw you into the truck. Your friends threw you into their truck. Oh, you broke into their truck. Just to sleep. But they threw you into the truck. Your friends threw you into the truck. Yeah. After you broke into it? I don't know. I woke up there. That's what happened.

Okay. And why did you say your friends got rid of you? That's like a normal thing that your friends do to you. And my friend got rid of me. Trisha got rid of on Thursday night. Does that happen a lot? You have a drinking problem? No, I've just been to AA

a couple of times. You just pop in every once in a while? I'm not really getting... Ed, I'm going to update you on how this interview is going. I'm not getting real answers out of you no I'm not an alcoholic but I've been to AA okay let's try this again

let's try it again where's he gonna meet women in a truck then you would know that the first step is admitting you have a problem I used to go to AA I stopped going I was on my way once and I was like, damn, I don't have any beer or any weed.

So I stopped. I didn't go anymore. Wow. Ed, you have a very serious problem. I used to go to AA. I still do, but I used to too. I'm starting to think this guy is the R word. A Republican.

Oh, wow. Feminist Stacey thinks all alcoholics are Republicans for some reason. Are you a Republican? No, I voted for Beto. We're in Austin, so I hope I'm good at hands, right? For pickles? Hell yeah. Beto, he was running for Senate.

He didn't win, though. Right. You know, pronouncing it right is not going to impress us. Yeah, no. Can I ask if anybody here is happy that Ted Cruz won? Yeah, that's fine.

Oh my God. No, you cannot ask that right now. Okay, I take it back. That's depressing. I take it back. I take it back. Their governor is an absolute pedophile.

I don't want to bring that shit up. Yeah, I was just curious if anybody was into that. You know, the people a little fun fact, the people that would be into Ted Cruz wouldn't like whoop-de-woop about it. You know what I mean? Oh, they keep it to themselves?

Yeah, those people only let their voices heard in the voting booth, like other good Republicans. Anyway, so... He's about to do another trick with the mic cord. Whoa, somebody's about to fucking lasso us. Yeah, let that calf out so he can rope it. fucking lasso us. Yeah.

Let that calf out so he can rope it. Retard Ed, other than your very serious drinking problem, what else do you have going on in life? What do you do for work?

My parents have a car dealership in Dallas. Your parents have a car dealership in Dallas. Yes. You've heard all about it, but what do you do for work?

I just work for them. I work for them. You work for your parents. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. You think about, are there any plans to perhaps cut the old, you know, fucking, cut away from the teat of the parents?

You trying to inherit the car dealership? Yeah, I have three sisters, so I have a better chance than all of them. Why would you say that, huh? Why? Why do you have a better chance than all of them. Why would you say that, huh? Why? Why do you have a better chance, huh? You don't realize how large I am until I stand up. I'm Mexican. I'm only five foot.

I'm a six foot three woman, size 34 waist, 32 length jeans. For those of you listening to the podcast, feministeminist Daisy is towering over Retard Ed. I know, I know. She's got hard nipples right now. But they also look like your outfits are pretty coordinated. You look like a duo. Yeah, you guys are both dressed like lesbians. It's adorable.

So what do you do for fun, Ed? I don't know. I also smoke weed a lot. No, we know about your substance abuse problems. We know about this. And clearly you can't handle it if your friends are trying to get rid of you and not hang out with you. Yes, Feminist Stacy?

What do your sisters do for work? Just curious. They all work. We all work together. So it's like a family business. So they just work around the office and sell cars. Yeah. Yeah, they're the girls, so they got to do the selling.

Do any of your... Can I get a... Oh, fuck. You eat those words right now. Can I get a knife from the kitchen, please? And have a man deliver it, because men can work in kitchens, too. Wow. Well, special

ed, you know, we gave it a shot. We found out there's nothing special about you. At all. Man, anything else for a special ed guy? I want to know. He said they call me special ed.

I want to know who's doing that to you. Your sister. His dumb friends. The same ones that threw you into the truck after you broke into it? What kind of car dealership do your parents have? What kind of dealership is it? It's just like any brand.

We have used cars. What is it? Used cars? Yeah, used cars. Wow. Your plan is to inherit a used car dealership. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. You really are retarded. Yeah. There he goes, everybody. Special head. Special underscore Ed, it appears on social media. And if that wasn't enough for you, he spells it S-P-E-S-H-E-L.

So he spells special wrong. Wow. Because he is retarded. All right. On to the next one. On to the next one. The next comedian with an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Andrew Wagner. Andrew Wagner.

You have been chosen next by the Bucket of Destiny. Here he comes running. Andrew Wagner. Here he comes. Place goes crazy. Here he fucking comes. Any second now, I'm sure of it. Hell yeah. There he is. Andrew Wagner,

everyone. Thank you. Sorry I'm late, everyone. Good to be here. Let's get into it. One thing about me is I love to eat in bed. It's my favorite restaurant. I go there all the time. I eat in bed so much. Sorry, I'm really out of breath. One time my roommate came into my room and he's like, hey man, how come you have a bottle of lotion, half-eaten bowl of mac and cheese next to your bed? I was like, you want the short answer or the long answer? Short answer, that's where I eat

mac and cheese and jack off. Oh, yikes. Looks like we got time for the long answer as well. That's where I eat macaroni and cheese and masturbate. What did we learn here today? Don't ask questions you don't want two answers to. Now get out of here. I gotta finish both of these right now.

A little more about me. I don't smoke weed. Surprise. The guy that looks exactly like a narc is the narc. Don't let the jean jacket fool you. I will tattletale on you. Love to do it. One time I told like a real pothead guy that don't smoke weed.

He was like, oh, what man? Like not at all. Like not even in the shower., he was like, oh, what, man? Not at all? Not even in the shower? And I was like, what? No, not even in the shower. Not even that place that fire's not supposed to work. That's not my one weird exception.

All right, thanks, guys. Hell yeah. Just beating the bear, Andrew Wagner. That was great. Definitely the set of the night so far. You are by far one of the funniest young vampires I've ever seen in my entire life. Tony, how did Drew Baer shave so quickly? Drew Baer upgraded, got his life together, got better denim outfits, is back up here, killing it.

I'll kiss this guy on the lips. He's like if Drew Bear did an episode of the movie Face Off with Anthony Jezelnik or something like that. He's like Bro Burnham.

Very good. Joel Berger, champ. Bro, burn him. Wow. Fuck yeah. Andrew, great fucking set. Thank you. You've been doing stand-up at least, what, a couple years?

Yeah, five years. Five years. Fuck yeah. Awesome. All here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in Oklahoma. How long have you been here? I've been here two years.

You moved here from Oklahoma two years ago. Yes. Do you get spots here at Cap City? No. No. Well, maybe some people saw you here tonight. You don't know what could possibly be happening. That's the hope.

Oh, stop. I know some of the management and some of the biggest people in Austin comedy scenes are definitely in the back of the room. So congrats on that. Maybe make sure you say hi and be polite on your way out or whatever. Don't smear shit on the walls in the bathroom or anything like that. Don't do anything creepy and ruin the momentum that you've created here, Andrew. What do you do for a living? I work for a tech company, but not in an interesting or lucrative way.

I do data entry. Oh, wow. How many hours a day do you work on data entry? Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. But they track us. I do about three hours of actual entry, and then five hours of just chilling.

Wow, not bad. Do you ever have to deal with the weenus? The weenus? entry and then five hours of just chilling. That's why it's not bad. Do you ever have to deal with the we-ness? The we-ness? It's a thing on Friends where they ask Chandler what he does and he tried to explain it and it sounded like what you were just saying.

It sounds like a great episode of Friends. Wow. It was classic. Red band. That is a Friends callback if I've ever heard one. Well, you know, anytime I can bring up Friends, I'd love to. So, Andrew. If I'm not playing in a fountain, I'm not alive.

You're such a Rachel. Man, that is something else. So Andrew, you... What do you do other than data entry? What do you do for fun? What do you do around town? I started skateboarding this last year. I've been learning how to skate.

Oh, I know a guy that decided I know a guy that decided to start skateboarding a little late in life too. His name's Jeremiah Watkins and he broke his arm. All pads, baby. I broke my finger, so I get it. You did? Which finger?

And who's asshole? The middle finger, There you go. All the way. Okay, so you just picked up skateboarding. Do you wear a helmet when you do that? No, but that was... Retard Ed does, though. Fuck yeah.

You have a girlfriend, Andrew? No, not anymore. Would you like one? I'm open to it. girlfriend, Andrew? No, not anymore. Would you like one? I'm open to it. Whoa, really? What was I supposed to say? Would you like to give Macy a kiss right now on this very stage? I mean, with her consent, of course.

There she is. Are we going on the dance? Yeah! It was nice Wow That was nice What the fuck I love it

Fucking Macy Showing us that she's growing by the minute As a comic act on this show Fully committed Just kissed Andrew on the lips. She really was telling the truth. She finds him more attractive than Drew Pearce. Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

Wait a second. Who are you? Who are you? I knew it was a man. Only a man can be that horny. What the fuck? I knew it. I knew it. All right, all right. A woman can't shave horny. What the fuck? I knew it! I knew it!

All right, all right. A woman can't shave her head! Macy's wig just fell off and she looks like she's been fucking people in the radiology department of a hospital. For you podcast listeners,

Macy's dick just fell out the bottom of her shorts. Her wig fell off, her dick fell out. bottom of her shorts. Her wig fell off. Her dick fell out. This show is out of control. He looked like Patch Adams was about to visit his room. And now Angie has herpes. I identify as a woman.

Wow. You guys identify as women? I thought you were two different types of cotton candy over there. Yeah. You know, he really does have herpes, so you do. Okay, way to bring the momentum to a big halt. Keep an eye on the herpes, everybody. Keep your eye on it.

You're fine. It never goes away. So, wow, Andrew, that was so much fun. Great set. Great interview. You fully committed. You fucking kissed on the lips another man, and the crowd went crazy.

My Kill Tony fans love seeing fucking crazy shit and gay shit, and that was more on the gay side of things. I didn't think that was going to happen. Was that your first man kiss? No, no, probably sixth. Oh, damn. And I'm guessing it's in the top seven.

I've been around the block. And those were the most delicious sloppy seconds I've ever had. My God, are you losing your voice? After you kiss five guys, did they give you that jacket? Yeah, this is my prize Five timers club Hell yeah Yeah, four more and you'll have one too Alright, perfect

Wow, that is fucking incredible Andrew Wagner, ladies and gentlemen There he goes See you later He's on Twitter at FriendlyOwags FriendlyO-L-E-W-A-G-Z All one word

Amazing He blew me a kiss on his way out Oh yeah I'm about to squirt on the front row Get your ponchos ready You are one of the most Okay ready you are one of the most okay macy is rubbing her clit for those of you listening to the podcast wondering why it's

silent and i'm just laughing uh Macy was just wait, she just fell asleep rubbing her clit. Oh my God. Okay, this imposter is not a feminist. It is a horny heroin user

that is disguised as a woman. Oh my god. Oh, I'm fucking dying. I reached to the absolute bottom of the bucket for this one. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Ishmael Ayala. Oh my God. Here he is. Ishmael Ayala, everyone.

Hey, everyone. If you couldn't tell by my name, I am Latino. Yes. Being a light-skinned Latino is nice because it's kind of like your blade. You know, all their strengths, none of their weaknesses. Grew up on the border. People always ask me, hey, are you mad that Trump's building the wall? And I'm like, hell no. There are plenty of family members I never want to see again.

The other thing about growing up Latino is that you're basically surrounded by Trumps. They're your uncles. They're rude, obnoxious, a little bit racist. You know... Just when you're about to kick them out of your family for doing something stupid like grabbing your cousin's pussy at her 18th birthday party, they say something really fucked up, but also kind of funny.

And so you're like, okay, you can stay. You're okay. But next year, we're going with someone else. All right. Ishmael Ayala, everyone. Fuck yeah. You had him from the get, and then it just sort of trickled off as it went along there.

You're adorable, though. You're a cute little chubby guy. Squozing into that fucking plaid shirt there. Yeah. It was the biggest size at Old Navy. In what world are you a light-skinned Latino? You're freaking brown, dude. Yeah.

First time I've ever heard that Also, what border did you grow up on? Obesity? Oh, God My goodness It's a pre-diabetic and a diabetic I love that you said Ishmael Ayala As you could tell by

What did you say, my name? As you could tell by my name, I'm Latino I didn't really get that Ishmael Ayala sounds like what a terrorist says right before they pull the string. Ishmael Ayala. And then they run the plane into the building. Get to America.

Also, it looks like you purchased in a catalog what white people wear to disguise yourself. Is that true? Did you purchase out of a catalog what white people wear? No, I don't know. I know Ishmael.

I know. You seem like a public defender. Am I close to right on that? No, I'm a graphic designer. Graphic designer. I knew it was a two-word occupation. You look like you go camping in cul-de-sacs. Speaking of cul-de-sacs, Macy, can you close your legs for me?

It's swollen! Yeah, it's called a testicle. Now stop rubbing it. I'm a woman. How dare you? I'm a woman. How dare you? For some reason, the longer this episode goes, the more Joel looks like a smurfed up Joe Dirt for some reason.

I don't know what's happening, but the mullet is straightening out or something like that. Being a little Joe Flirt over there. All right, Ishmael. Joe Squirt over here. Joe Squirt. Yeah, her name's Joe Squirt. What about it? Holy shit.

Ishmael. So you do graphic design. That's one of the most boring occupations that I ever find out somebody does on this show. So tell us more about you. If there was an Ishmael Ayala fun fact book, what would be some of the things in it?

What do you know how to do? Kayak? You're the only person that does a one-man canoe, perhaps? Have you played Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof? Have you? What do you do? What are some fun things about you? Fun fact,

I was circumcised earlier this year. You got circumcised this year? Wow! Wow, too soon, dude. Circumcised this year? Wow. Wow, too soon, dude. Jesus Christ. That's great. You know, our friend Macy over there hasn't been circumcised yet

and is very weird about it. Like, he gets hurt about it. Yeah, female circumcision is a problem. Ishmael, how old are you? 34. 34, and you decided no better time than now to... It's a weird, freaky story, but... Yeah, go ahead.

Let's hear it. Oh, God. Let's hear it. Does it start at an Ira bean? No. Oh, God. Let's hear it. Does it start in an Ira bean?

No. Okay, so y'all know how there's that little band on there. If it goes too long, we'll cut you off. All right, thanks. Please do. There's that little banjo string on your dick, and it might just pop one day. No, no, no, no. Hold on a second. Okay.

Hold on a second. We have somebody who works on guitars here. Did you see him? Bring him back! Ishmael, when you say there was a... What the fuck do you mean banjo string? There's a little thing in the thing, you know?

I don't understand what... There's a banjo string on my dick. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, yeah, there it is. Yeah, so, no, so I was bleeding profusely, and I went to the hospital. Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second. I still need to, before we get to fucking chapter two of this bloody tale of revenge, I need to understand what you mean by the banjo string.

Is that just your dick? No, no, no. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Feminist Stacy. I just don't understand these people in Texas that are assuming we know certain things. You know your friends get rid of you. You know you have a string on your dick. What are these things, Austin?

Ishmael, what do you mean banjo string? Be more specific. Okay, so, like, you know how you have, like, the foreskin, right? And then, so, it's connected to the dick by, like, this thin piece of tissue, right? It's like the thing underneath your tongue. Yeah. Oh. Not that I would know.

Wow. All I get is it ripped. Oh, I guess it ripped. Oh, my God. Wait, how did it... What were you doing when it ripped? How did you do that? Practice? So it ripped.

Uh-huh. And then... How did it rip? You know. Wait a second. Ishmael. Were you jerking off and eating mac and cheese? Ishmael.

One of those things. Go ahead, answer the fucking question. He was eating mac and cheese? Wow. So the listeners are all caught up. You're what? Jerking off, Ishmael? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. I love out of all the things you talked about that's what you're most embarrassed of. Obviously you haven't watched any of tonight's episode at all.

And it's called Jacked Itting Off. So what were you jerking off to? Do you remember exactly what you were jerking off to when you finally 34 years of not breaking your dick skin,

was there something that really excited you? And follow-up question, did it look like Macy? Oh, my God. She's shoving two drumsticks in her pussy. Oh, my God. She's going insane this episode. She's been taken over by a demon. Are there any exorcists in the house?

Can we get a dark priest up here? Stacey's face. Oh, she's shocked and appalled. She's never seen anything like it. Okay. That is not a woman. What were you masturbating to? No lies here, Ishmael. We'll know.

No lies. We'll give you another circumcision if you try to lie to us. Do you know the red-headed whore in Game of Thrones? Wow. Why is she a whore, first off? No, that was her profession. Wow. That was her profession. Oh, so if you look on IMD No, that was her profession. Wow. That was her profession.

Oh, so if you look on IMDB, look up her credits. It's red-headed whore. That's what it is on Game of Thrones? No, it's... It's a hard knock life for Ishmael. So, I don't know why you called her a whore. I mean, she was...

No, she was... She was mad. Did you pay her anything? Roz, what's her name? Oh, you're talking about the actual... The pretty... Yeah, the redhead. Not the one that hooks up with Jon Snow. No, no, no, no. No, you're talking about the actual... The pretty redhead. Not the one that hooks up with Jon Snow.

No, you're talking about an actual whore. Yeah. Okay. As in a prostitute. Yeah, well, in Game of Thrones, yeah. Yeah, uh-huh. And there you are fucking watching Game of Thrones jerking off. No, I wasn't watching Game of Thrones. No, you just had like pictures

of her up. And by the way, take your hand out of your pocket while we talk about this. What the hell's going on over there? That was good. So what? You just had pictures of her? Was it like a video of her doing an interview or something like that? If we want to know.

What was it exactly? It was lovely, tasteful pictures of her on the internet. You can masturbate to pictures still? What the fuck is that? That's crazy that you were jerking off to a Game of Thrones character while you were Tyrion, your Lannister. Why is it more creepy that he was looking at tasteful, lovely pictures?

Like, I vomited as a woman. And so you ripped your dick while winter was coming? Boom. Another one. Wow. And Puxatonly Phil usually knows when there's

six more weeks of it. He looks like that, right? Yeah. Well, Ishmael, fun set on a scale from one to five. I give it a four skin. So there he goes. Ishmael Ayala, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

What do we got? Maybe we can fly through here. Maybe we can get a couple. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. Let's see. How about we try the bucket one more time? What do you guys say?

All right. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Evan Porter, ladies's see. Back to the, how about we try the bucket one more time? What do you guys say, huh? All right, pulled another name out. Make some noise for Evan Porter, ladies and gentlemen. Evan Porter. Evan Porter. Here he comes. Look at this guy. It's Evan Porter, everybody.

What's going on, guys? One time I ordered this pizza, and as far as I knew was going great guy showed up gave me the pizza. I paid Not one minute after he left. I got a text on my phone from an unknown number Text read hey, this is your Domino's delivery guy So I was automatically intrigued as to what the fuck this guy could possibly be texting me for. So I respond, hey, man, what's going on? He replies back, do you want a BJ? So I'm not interested in men, let alone guys that look like Steve Urkel if he was 23. So I just reply back, no, man, I'm good.

He replies back, I can come back later. I respect him for his persistence, I do, but I still was like, nope, sorry man, I'm not gay, I'm not interested in dudes, I'm good. He texts me again. This fucker would not give up. He said,

you don't have to be gay to enjoy a blowjob from another guy. I mean, that's how I thought it worked, but I guess not. Go ahead, finish. I gotta hear the end of this. Yeah, he better get this damn blowjob. So I had to lie to him.

I had to tell him to get him to shut the fuck up. And I had a girlfriend. That was not true. But I said, I have a girlfriend, so I'm not cool with doing this. Because, you know, I didn't want to get him mad or anything. Because this fucker is making my pizzas. I like to order from Domino's. If I order it again and he sees it's my name, I didn't want it to be like,

all right, everybody get the fuck out of the way. This pizza's mine. And just start, like, jerking off to it. Jesus Christ. This was like fucking. There's oneking off to it. Jesus Christ. This was like fucking. There's one more part to it. Oh my God. The fuck is this?

Kill Bill? How are there so many parts to this fucking epic tale? He texted me back like three weeks later because I hadn't ordered another pizza. And he was like, hey man, I noticed you hadn't ordered a pizza in a while. I just wanted to make sure that like everything, everything was cool after what I, like, did to you. And I was just like, yeah, it's fine. Okay. You didn't have any more of that story.

There was nothing. There wasn't any more of this story. You should Yelp review that place. Yeah, you're really going to show them. Get on Yelp. Because people are going to believe that review. This guy tried to suck my dick. People are going to be like, I'll have Domino's right now, please.

That's crazy. A Domino's delivery driver trying to make you come in 30 minutes or less. That's fantastic. I love that. He wanted your cinnastick in his mouth. That's incredible. Yes, feminist Stacey. He wanted to hand toss you.

Wow. I like how your biggest concern after all that creepiness was him jerking off on your pizza not knowing where you live. He could murder you. He offered

me a free pizza too because he felt so bad. Wow, what a guy What the fuck I bet there was probably some stipulations To that pizza though It was more of a jizza Jizza Fuck yeah

Sounds like that guy wanted to put it in your old pizza hut You know what I'm saying I bet there was extra sausage on that Oh Jesus Maybe there was extra sausage on that. Oh, Jesus. Maybe there was even some low-hanging fruit. Some pineapple, perhaps, over there. Oh, man. Nobody out pizzas your butt.

Evan, you are by far one of the funniest members of the Duke lacrosse team that we've ever had on this show before. It is an honor. It is incredible to have you here. I didn't realize that you guys were on the road against the Longhorns this week. Evan, you in a frat or been part of a frat? Or you just always look like a third string backup quarterback? Is it just the way you look?

It's the last one, yeah. Yeah? It's called frat face. He was born with it. Were you, did you play football? Were you a backup quarterback? I was not. I played basketball in high school.

You were a backup point guard? No, I played, I started at the beginning, but then at the end, I ended up as a backup, so yes. Point guard? Yes. John. All right. I have a question about your haircut.

Yeah, go for it. Why? That's a good question. I've been meaning to get a haircut because it is getting to this weird... Hell yeah. Well, you know, you can get anything trimmed off all the way up to the age of 34.

It's never too late to get your fucking hair circumcised. Wow, Evan, is this your first time ever doing stand-up? It is, yeah. Fuck yeah, congratulations. Thank you. How old are you? Impressive. I'm 22.

22, fuck yeah. You know who else was 22 when they started stand-up? Me. 22 fuck yeah you know who else was 22 when they started stand-up me and just think one day if you fucking stay committed 11 years from now you could be back on this stage doing something like this you could get pulled out of a bucket again um fuck yeah the mountain loved that one yeah you like it when i roast these little fucking tiny fucking kibbles and bits. You know what I mean? These fucking little baby bambinos.

Just fucking step on them like a goddamn little ant or something like that. Hell yeah. What would you do if that guy attacked you? What would be your first move, Evan? Other than to hump his leg. I'd probably just try to run as fast as possible. I feel like that's the only thing I have. What would you do if you found out that man works

at Domino's? Evan, I want to suck your cock. Put that fucking dick in now. Get over here. Stop trying to run. He's like, ain't no mountain high enough. Wow. Wowzers, wowzers, wowzers. All right.

Well, Evan, I'm going to try to squeeze one more person up here, believe it or not. So there you go, Evan Porter. We're going a little long. We're breaking all the rules. We have a stand-up comedy show we have to do after this. They specifically said don't go too long because that shows at what? 9 o'clock, right?

I think it's at like 9.30. I'm not listening to you guys, you fucking weirdos. I know what you want. I want the same thing. If it was up to me, I would go through this whole fucking bucket tonight, but it's just simply, that's just not how it works.

Alright, so I pulled the name out of the bucket. You guys want to do this? One last comedian? We're going long for you. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night, Jane Benjamin, everybody. Here of the night Jane Benjamin everybody here we go

Jane Benjamin this is it this is the end she's coming all the way from the very back the luckiest it's always the lucky part to be the farthest possible away as you can humanly be

she's making her way. Here she is. Your final comedian of the night, Jane Benjamin. Thank you. I'm here pre-celebrating my birthday tomorrow. So it's nice to be pulled out. Pulled out, okay. So it's nice to be pulled out.

Pulled out, okay. Anyways, I told myself I wouldn't forget about what I was going to say when I get up here, so I wrote a list, right? Okay. I was thinking about earlier, like, oh my God, if I get called up here, like, when was the last time I was on a stage? And then I started thinking, was it, like, elementary, like, a play? And then I was like, oh, I don't want to think about that answer, actually. Never mind. I don't want to talk about it.

Anyways. Meow. No. No. Anyways, meow. No. I'm the second woman up here on stage, right? Or wait, was that before? Third?

Third woman up here? Yeah, second. Second woman up here. Fuck yeah, there you go. Jane Benjamin. Jane Benjamin coming up with an attitude. I like it. You didn't want to forget what you were going to talk about

so you wrote it on your hand. You looked at your hand and then you're like, oh shit, I'm fucked. I don't think I'm going to do jokes. I think I'm going to do a census. How many women are on this stage? Jane, is that your first time ever doing stand-up? Actually, it is.

Yeah, no, I believe it. Very believable. I believe it was the great Nate Diaz that once said the words, I am not surprised, motherfucker. So here you are, Jane. You are dressed to go horse riding here today.

And there is... I thought Macy had the biggest camel toe up here until... All right, you pigs. All right. You can't even... All right. Well, most people don't wear spandex to do stand-up comedy, but you pull it off, Jane. Congratulations.

Is this something that you've always wanted to do? Show everybody your camel toe? Maybe one at a time. I don't know. No, I like your style. So this is your first time doing it. What do you do for work? I clean houses.

So actually, I had to change real quick. I had two houses today, and I picked the spandex oh my god Jane don't be so self-conscious about it it's okay it's coming it's gone you don't need to worry about you're still better dressed than the two guys that wore all denim

up here if it makes you feel any better did you have a joke plan though? just like please don't tear me apart like a Native American no the thing there would have been like an innocent man's asshole or something

like that they didn't really tear apart the Native American so Jane you are you know you're right you are the second female comedian that was pulled out of the bucket, but you're the one that acted the most like a female comedian up here, really reminding us exactly what females doing comedy is usually like.

That's a compliment, right? I just got the evil eye from Doug on that one. That's a compliment. Okay. Wait, let me be Sarah Silverman for a second. You's a compliment. Okay. Shocking. Wait, wait, wait. Let me be Sarah Silverman for a second. You look like young Roseanne. Tony, Tony.

Yes. Tony. Feminist Stacey. I, I, I as a feminist, I as a feminist, okay, am an equal opportunist, which means I want equality for everybody, right?

This woman is making females look horrible. I'd like another man to come up here and do a spot and get her off the stage. Because she's sucking time out of this room, and I think another competent person should come up, and she still has not done stand-up yet. She did. I'm sorry.

She walked up here and said the situation that she was in, that is not stand-up comedy, there was not written jokes in there. I say we excuse her. Actually, I was... What do you want to say for yourself, Jane? Now I remember what I was going to write on my hand, right? I was going to tell a story about... No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what? I'm going to listen to the feminists on the stage. Jane, you popped your cherry here tonight. It was good. We spent a couple minutes with you, but we're going to move along. There she goes. Jane Benjamin, everybody. She did it. Come on. Give her a hand, everybody. There you go. That was fun. There you go. You gotta get it out of your system. Her first time ever on stage.

She has more courage than anybody in this room that didn't sign up. One more time for Jane Benjamin. Okay. We're gonna make this super duper quick. We're gonna go to the bucket one more time. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. And your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Colin Falstad, everybody. Colin Falstad. Let's hope this doesn't go good. We might be here all night. No, just kidding. Here he is.

Colin Falstad, everyone. Get up there. All right, I guess I don't need to talk. I'm a hands-on learner. So I've gotten pretty good at hand jobs. My dad taught me well. I like to go to the strip club. Because it's the only time beautiful women approach me. And I get to reject them. $20 a dance?

It's Sunday. I thought it was $5 a dance. You have to find a more rich, lonely man, I guess. Oh, shit. All right, yeah. sorry to disappoint you Tony that's all I got you did fine Jesus my god there you go Colin Falstad

you didn't disappoint anyone at all sir in fact I think you're one of the funniest comedians in the world of Warcraft I don't play that no but you look like the character funniest comedians in the world of Warcraft. I don't play that. No, but you look like the character. That's what it is. I don't know if

that's exactly the game, but you look like one of those characters in those games where you play it on your phone or some shit like that, right? Is that the right game? Is that the guy that I'm thinking of? World of Warcraft guy? I'm talking to you, you fucking nerd.

He looks like that guy from All in the Family. Meathead. I get told I look like multiple people. Right. You look like Gallagher ate the watermelon. I get told I look like... I really used to love your old opening joke.

Hey, it's a me, Mario. No, yeah, you look like Gallagher if every time he ordered a pizza, he got his dick sucked. That'd be the life right there. I'd take that. How is your father, Danny DeVito, doing? You know what's funny? My dad is like if Danny DeVito, doing? You know what's funny?

My dad is like if Danny DeVito grew up and had hair. Like, he is Danny DeVito. People say that about him, that he looks like Danny DeVito? Just me. I tell him. Not only do you look like the offspring of Danny DeVito, you also look like the offspring of the band The Offspring. Oh, all right.

He looks like he would play Smee in the rock version of Peter Pan. I don't even know what the fuck that means. He looks like Ron Germ if he took up skateboarding instead of porn. Damn. That was Stacy, you bitch. Don't chant Joel Berg after that.

Somebody did a... That is incredible. Colin, you are so fun. Your appearance is so fun to make fun of. It is incredible. That's all right. I take it. Go ahead.

You like it? Yeah, whatever. Wow. I'm a middle child of five boys. Yeah, what about the other two? The other two. Do they look like you as well? No, no, I don't know.

No, they're normal looking. I wouldn't say that. You look like if Leonard Skinner ate all the free birds. And then there's you that looks like if Leonard Skinner ate all the free birds. Oh, shit. My goodness. You are adorable.

You look like you should be on a box of oatmeal I wouldn't eat. Hey, it might get you high, though. Maybe. I'll try it. Incredible. You look like Pop-Tarts is part of your food pyramid. It's the base. Base.

Man, Colin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Second time. Second time ever. That's incredible. You do. You have an unbelievable look for comedy. I mean, it really is super likable, super fun. You came up and, you know, you looked out there and you owned it.

You weren't looking at your hand and panicking and showing weakness. That's exactly what we needed. You know what I mean? And stop fucking groaning. See, that's the thing. How come a woman, how come a woman bombs and everybody gets fucking weird. All right.

I made it weird again. Uh, this is, this is what it was like. Uh, all right, forget it. Um,

so Colin, uh, you know, you fucking did it, dude. You came up here, you owned it. You did a couple of jokes. You obviously are good. You owned it. You did a couple jokes.

You obviously are good at taking a joke, which is fucking very important. And congratulations. And welcome to a stand-up comedy here in Austin, Texas. There he goes. Colin Volstad. Have your night. We did it. Hey, listen to me.

Austin, Texas. Guess who's at this very club on New Year's Eve? The one and only Doug Benson, everybody. Doug, thank you so much for being here. Come back on New Year's Eve, you guys, and go to Douglovesmovies.com for all my dates. Oh, look at this. Absolutely.

Look at this amazing drawing by Ryan J. Ebelt, everyone. Doug's in it. The Feminist. All of his prints are available at by Ryan J. E. Belt, everyone. Doug's in it. The feminist. All of his prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. And the extremely limited time, completely not available online, not available any other time other than tonight. The Kill Tony Texas prints are going to be available on your way out. If you're too broke or whatever to get one,

at least just look at it and soak it in on your way out, because you're too broke or whatever to get one, at least just look at it and soak it in on your way out because it is really cool and as fans of the show we're all obsessed with these posters so I think you guys will really like to take a peek at it. How about one more time for one of the most legendary members in the band's history,

the one and only feminist Stacey, Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins has an amazing podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. He has new guests on all the time, always doing fun things over there. Great, great show, great times. What else, Jeremiah? Yeah, follow me on social media, at Jeremiah's Stand Up, and I have CDs and Kill Tony stickers out in the lobby

that you can hit me up for right after. He's going to be right next to Ryan J.E. Belt out there on your way out. So you'll see Jeremiah out there. You know who else you could follow on social media? He goes by the name of Mostly Sorry, but it's the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Macy.

Hell yeah, Joel Berg you guys were both un-fucking-believable tonight okay there goes everything the drums are falling apart Macy

stop fingering yourself for a second anything you want to say to these people here in Austin, Texas I love you guys thank you for coming we did it Red Band we're back in Austin we did it again love you guys. Thank you for coming. We did it, Red Band.

We're back in Austin. We did it again. We have a big stand-up comedy show after this that is going to be a lot of fun. On to the next one. Here we go. Houston, Texas is tomorrow. Fort Worth this weekend. That's it. Thanks, guys.

Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you. Thank you.