KILL TONY - KILL TONY #311 (FT WORTH)

Episode Date: November 23, 2018

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/17/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, including video portions of the show. Also, click on Tour Dates.

Not only do we do the Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store in Hollywood, we also are on the road. We just announced a brand-new show, January 26. We have Kill Tony in Phoenix, a special Kill Tony show there. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you have the official Kill Tony shirt, and you also have all the Death Squad merch, including mugs and hats. Go you have the official kill Tony shirt. And you also have all the death squad merch, including mugs and hats.

Go to shop squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is live from Fort Worth, Texas at Hyena's Comedy Club for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatch. Fort Worth, Texas.

Come on, make some fucking noise. We are here live at Hyena's Comedy Club. A chaotic audience. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, what's up, everybody? This is a great crowd. How exciting is this? We are in tight quarters tonight, Brian.

Yeah, this is a tight one. My goodness. You guys excited about this? We're live at Hyena's, the number one live podcast in the world. Shit's all happening. Life is crazy. California's on fire right now. So we decided to come here.

When our home lights on fire, we say, let's go visit Texas. Get it out of the way. Fuck yeah. Life is good, though. With all this anxiety going around because of fires and whatnot, it is important to keep a healthy mind. You guys know that? Did you know that infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest,

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So go to BetDSI.com, use the promo code KILL120, and that's what you do there. And let's begin the show. Are you guys ready for this shit? As you can tell by the size of the stage and the size of this table, we are going guestless tonight here in beautiful Fort Worth. Some of our favorite shows we just fucking let the machine run on its own. We've had so much fun here in Texas so far this week. An amazing sold out show in

San Antonio, Austin and Houston. But somebody told me that they think that the Fort Worth audience is going to be more lit than all those other cities. I heard a little rumor. I think there might be some truth to that. So,

we did not bring a guest. However, we did just so happen to bring, believe it or not, the best damn band in the land. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. I left the green room five minutes ago, and they went into the bathroom and started getting ready, pulling stuff out of suitcases. So, let's see what they're going to be. I left the green room five minutes ago, and they went into the bathroom and started getting ready,

pulling stuff out of suitcases. So let's see what they are tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land and two of the funniest human beings on the planet. It's the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez. What is this going to be? Wow, they are flying around the room. Whoa.

Whoa. They have curly afros and old school timey suits. What are you guys? We're 80s stand-up comedians, Tony. Timey Suits. What are you guys? We're 80s stand-up comedians, Tony. Wow.

80s stand-up comedians. Tony, see this traffic outside? Oh, my God. You guys heard about this? Oh, my God. What is happening? Jesus Christ. Jeremiah looks like a gigantic baby For some reason And we got Joelberg back here

That I don't know what the fuck This looks like if Carrot Top fell asleep in his tanning machine Or something like that Actually funny story I didn't realize how easy it is to look like 80s comedians. Like, I didn't realize that's what it took. Like, one big sports

jacket and a fucking afro. That was the whole thing, huh? Yeah, yeah, Tony. I went to a doggy strip club recently. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was called Kibbles and Tits. Whoa! Come on, guys! Who's with me was called Kibbles and Tits. Whoa! Come on, guys.

Who's with me tonight? Kibbles and Tits. Who's with me? Wow. I think you guys are the tits. That's ridiculous. So we have 80s comedians, Brian Redman, I Am Here, and whoa, what's this? Is this a motherfucking Fort Worth beer pitcher of destiny?

Holy shit. fucking Fort Worth beer pitcher of destiny? Holy shit. Over 30 human beings signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. And then we interview the person, talk with them, find out more about their real life, maybe

some interesting shit about them. And yeah, that's how the fucking thing goes. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Jesus. All right. I can feel the people boycotting the show after hearing that in their headphones.

It's always fun. Hands in the bucket. You guys ready to start this? This is Fort Worth. Kill Tony. Live. The first ever Kill This is Fort Worth. Kill Tony. Live. The first ever Kill Tony in Fort Worth. I do believe the third

or fourth in Dallas' history. If we want to call this Dallas. I don't know how you guys feel about that. Tony, I think you mean Cowtown. Move. Move out of here. You know what I'm saying?

What is this town? My ex-wife? Okay. I pulled a name out of the bucket. What are we telling people? You come up to the stage through this stairway. Find your way all the way over here. Try to move as quickly as possible without being extremely out of breath

by the time you get here. All right. Your first comedian. Uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, goes by the name of Eric Matthew. Here we go. It's happening. Here he comes. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

I can already tell it's going to be a great night. Make some noise for Eric Matthew. And then the bartender jumps up from behind the bar and says, hey cowboy I would not drink the beer on the left. I got cut off

in an open mic last week and I just had to finish that joke. It's been driving me crazy. You guys feel like they round up horsepower values on cars? Numbers are just too perfect. I think what they need to do is establish some fractions with some lesser animals. So your next car is going to be 299 horse, five golden retrievers, and two ferrets power.

But, you know, the technology in smartphones is incredible. They're getting to know you so well now. My buddy shops with apps, L.L. Bean and Eddie Bauer all the time. The phone went ahead and just disabled the emojis with the darker skin tones for him. So I can't use them anymore. Thank you. Hell yeah. Here we go, Eric Mathie.

Mathie. Mathie, thank you. Hell yeah. Eric, you are half human, half rat? Yes. I was going to say, Tony, you are the funniest orc we've ever had on this stage. I knew it was coming. Wow, you are the funniest orc we've ever had on this stage. I knew it was coming. Wow, you look like an evil math teacher.

I love math. Do you really? I tutored math all through college. Thank you. Hello. He looks like me with leukemia. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yes.

It's all happening. Eric, is that true? You really got cut off in an open mic last week and you wanted to finish the joke? I did not. That was a lie. Yeah, it was a lie. Is this your first time on stage?

I did do an open mic, but I didn't get cut off. Do your ears grow every time you lie? Those are some fucking real ears, Eric. Those are fucking legit, dude. You could hear this from the Dallas hyenas right now. You're listening to this podcast already. Look at those fucking things. You have eternal headphones on.

Thank you. Beats by gay. Oh my God. 80s comedian is already my favorite character in the history of this show. Wow. Eric, so how long have you been a full-grown baby for? All my life. Hell yeah.

What do you do for work? I am a personal trainer. Oh, really? What are you personal? It seems like you're very, very, more like a very personal trainer. Like it's just one person. Nobody else knows about it.

Personal trainer. Clearly you're not working on yourself. I mean, what are you personally training people to do? What do you teach them? How to work out their ears? Because your ears are fucking ripped, bro. Thank you. Your day.

Do you see what I see? Red bear. You were just guessing at which part would be the do you hear what I hear yeah but that's actually funnier do you see what I see keep looking maybe it's the next one I don't know is it

it seems like it's right around the corner oh they repeat it you just keep going do you see what I see Oh, they repeat it. You just keep going. Do you see what I see? Wow, what are we doing? But they repeat it after that. No, they say, I think that's later in the song. I see.

My eyes are in my head. All right. Anyway, here, let's not forget about Eric. It's really hard to do. My eyes are in my head All right, anyway. Here, let's not forget about Eric. It's really hard to do. So Eric, you are a personal trainer. That's what you make a living doing? Yes, sir.

Where do you do that at? What cancer ward are you a personal trainer at? What children's hospital are you a... Where do you personally train? Like a gym? Yes. Yeah. And what's your specialty?

Cardio? Cartilage. Wow. There you go. Hello. Wow. Fort Worth knows the show, huh? Man, Eric, do a lot of people

like, I mean, is that a tough sell? How much do people pay for you to personally train them? What is it? I charge $80 an hour. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, that's an arm and an ear. Man, what kind of exercise would you have us do?

Like, what's your first thing? What's one of your main methods? I mean, if I'm paying $80 an hour, I expect magic right from the fucking top. I gotta learn a lot about you before I start prescribing exercise. Come on, give us a little example of some of the work you know how to do.

You hear this music? Oh, okay, it just ended. As soon as I queued up... Here you go. Show us a little something. Exercise? Come on, show us your exercise. Oh, wow.

This is turning into a gay porn real quick. Careful, he almost put Jeremiah in an ear-naked choke. This episode brought to you by cocaine. Wow. Oh, shit. 80s comedians were known to do a lot of cocaine. Man. Eric, is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do?

How old are you? I'm 36. 36. Are you single? No, I'm married. Married? Hell yeah. How long have you been married for?

11 years. Wow. Wow. 11 years. She's right over there. 11 years. Man. Man. Wow.

What does your wife do for work? She's a neuro-interoperative monitor. Wow. What does that mean? In a nutshell, she sits in on spinal cord surgeries. Oh, is that where she met you? No. All right.

Well, Eric. Eric, well. When you get mad at her, do you go, now you listen here. Do you hear what I hear? All right, well. Okay, Eric, well, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for getting this show kick-started. You know, your first time on stage,

not that bad at all. So there he goes, Eric Matthew, ladies and gentlemen. His first time ever. All right, there he goes, everybody. One more time for Eric, everyone. Come on. Let him hear you. Little known fact, his favorite band is Ears for Fears.

What? Wow. That's an 80s reference. Okay. Put your hands together for your next comedian. I do believe we know this young man. Make some noise for Gage Tygerina. Here we go.

Here he is One more time for Gage everybody Hello When I was growing up My parents called me the miracle baby They called me that because whenever I was coming out of the womb The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck Basically what I'm trying to say is I've been trying to end this shit since day one.

I am afraid to hold babies now. I have this irrational fear that they're going to break in my arms when I hold them. My girlfriend would give me a hard time about it. She's like, what are you going to do whenever we have kids? You going to be afraid to hold them? I was like, no, because if they're my kids, it's kind of mine to break at that point. Can't break someone else's baby. I'd be like, what am I going to do?

Just be like, oh, I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one. My girlfriend would also say, you know, scientists have actually found that babies are a lot more durable than they think they are. And I want to know, how the fuck do you find that out? There's scientists somewhere just stress testing babies. I don't know why I'm doing a basketball thing, but that's the way I imagine it. Because durable is a weird word to describe an infant, you know? Like, that's the type of word you'd use to, like, describe a kid you want to get adopted.

Boom. Gage. Tygerina. Am I saying that right? Tygerina? It's Tygerina. Tygerina Tijerina. Am I saying that right? Tijerina? It's T-urina. T-urina. T-urina.

T-urina. What is that? What ethnicity are you? I am Mexican. Wow, really? You are the whitest goddamn Mexican I've ever seen in my life. Louis C.K. Mexican. Yeah, really.

It's an honor to have you on the show. This is the first time we've ever had Michael rap. Okey. Really. It's an honor to have you on the show. This is the first time we've ever had Michael rap. Okie dokie. Alright. Fuck yeah. Shoehorn it on in there. I was excited for you. How old are you? How old are you, Gage? I'm 21.

21 years old. Look at you. And you're Mexican. You look like Rudy. How Mexican are you? I am a quarter Mexican. A quarter Mexican. So you're not Mexican at all. Hey, I am on applications, so I just...

Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just use the other 75%, whatever that is? Because I get scholarships that way. Ah. Ah. So you must be a quarter Jew. Jesus Christ, Brian. Oh my God, wow. Even the 80s

comedians are like, we haven't been allowed to make jokes like that for 20 years. Then there's Red Band here in 2018. Jews are cheap. This is why this show will always be on the internet. Good God. So Gage, you're 21. Tell us more about you.

What do you do for work? I do a lot of things. I'm an editor. I'm a photographer. Come on, tell us how you make money, you fucking dork. I don't want to know about your fucking dreams I'm an editor, I'm an optographer I'm a porn star

My regular job is at a library Yeah, what are you doing there? Reading books in the attic With a blanket and an apple The never ending story Do you hear what I hear? All right. What do you do at the library?

I clean up. I bet you fucking do. Yeah. Hell yeah. You're never going to have a problem booking a comedy gig. All right. Well, how long have you been working at a library for? And you ever bang any of the old ladies that work there?

No. No, I don't you been working in a library for? And you ever bang any of the old ladies that work there? No, no. I don't talk to anybody while I'm there. I have worked there for like two years. He takes old ladies into the encyclopedia section. After he's done with them, it's the GUI decimal system. You know what I'm talking about? Coming in libraries, folks. Come on.

Wow. Such a long reach for such a short stage. So Gage, your first name is Gage. Why do you think your parents named you Gage? That's my middle name, but they named me after the kid from Pet Sematary. Oh, that's a great sign. Wow. Yeah, I know, right?

Would have thought they would have named you after the lead singer of Flox Eagles. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, I know, right? Would have thought they would have named you after the lead singer of Flox Eagles. Oh, my God. Does anybody have any more cocaine? You're getting a little tired up here. Gage, what's the coolest thing you've done in your life so far? You're 21 years old. What would, like, if there was a fun fact about gage like wow he you know once beat a grandmaster chess champion or something like that like what would that be

i i've been able to like do more stand-up like actual like weekends and stuff more recently that's not the question that i asked you okay let's try it again like what's like some a fun fact about you something that makes you special different maybe Let's try it again. Like, what's like a fun fact about you, something that makes you special, different? Maybe it's your parents, you know, used to fucking beat you or something like that or like something cool. Yeah, that would make you special. Yeah.

Come on. Give us something to talk about here, Gage. I recently realized I'm half gay. Oh, wow. That explains why the first part of your first name is gay. Yeah. Yeah. Half gay, half j. Yeah.

What do you mean you're half gay? What does that mean to you? Only half of your penis is gay? Just the tip. The top half? Yeah. Just half gay, just my penis and my asshole. just half gay just my penis and my asshole what does that mean

half gay to you what does that mean does that mean you start cooking a meal and you don't finish half of your house is very well designed the other half is just fucking tough guy Texas you know what I mean me and that faggot over there we don guy Texas, you know what I mean? I don't even, me and that faggot over there, we don't even talk, you know what I mean?

We're the same person, but we don't cross paths. It's either me or him in this house. I stay on my side, he stays on his. He only likes to kiss the dick, not suck it. Oh, Jesus. I mean, I wasn't going to go that far. My God. Now I think you're half gay.

I haven't done anything like that yet. It's a big half. His top half is all flannel, and then the bottom half is just flip-flops. All right, well. How do you mean you're half gay? I like women and men. Yeah, you like them both.

That's called full gay to me. Jesus Christ. Have you always had an attraction towards men, or did you recently get into women, or did you recently get into men? Like, what happened? Take us through the... I've only been with women,

but recently I realized I like dudes, too. Yeah? How did you recently get into men? What happened? Take us through. I've only been with women, but recently I realized I like dudes too. Yeah? How did you realize that? What happened? What was the moment? It's probably always been a thing. Did a friend drop something and bend over to get it and you're like, oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Whoa. All right. What was the moment, Gage?

I've always kind of been interested in gay porn. I'm like, there's probably something behind that. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably you. You're behind it. I'm like, there's probably something behind that. Yeah, it's probably you. You're behind it. I am. Jerking off. Yeah.

Man, that's so interesting. What's your favorite type of gay porn to watch? Here's a new question, 309 episodes in. What's your favorite type of gay porn? I don't know. Dudes fucking? I thought so. Yeah.

I'm trying to find out what I like. I don't know. Dudes fucking? I thought so. Yeah. Just so I'm trying to find out what I like, you know? I don't really know, like, yeah. You don't have an answer to that question. You know how I like my gay men? In a conversion camp. You know what I'm saying? 80s comedian. That's how it was back then, huh?

80s, baby. What's the gayest thing you've done so far in your life? Jerk off to gay porn. That sounds about right. Then Tony is very gay. Jesus. This fucking guy. Unbelievable.

How would you know that, 80s comedian? How would you know that if I haven't done that bit yet? I don't know. I just got on Macintosh. Fucking dokey. All right, Gage. Well, it was fun to have you on. Great stuff. You're 21 years old. You have a huge head start. Even I, one of the top young rising comedians in the world,

didn't start until I was 22 years old. Congratulations to you. Keep up the good work. Keep hitting those mics. Behave yourself at the library. Thank you so much. There he goes, Gage Tyrena. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Fidel Lopez. Fidel Lopez. Fidel. Here he comes. Hell yeah. One more time for Fidel Lopez, everybody. My friend signed me up for this. I don't know what to say, so...

This is my first Adidas outfit. I feel like when you put an Adidas outfit on, you're putting on a costume, and the costume should signify cool. So that's not what I am. I don't know what else to say, so hopefully Red Band can bail me out on this. Say something else. Um. I understand that my name is a little different to everybody. Like, Fidel, that's a Cuban dictator who didn't

do much, and I've heard that all my life. Um. Go on. Finish it. I don't know what you're talking about. Just fucking finish it. I don't care if you don't have anything. You've heard it most of your life. And?

People generally don't like the way... They don't... the way they don't they'll they'll judge me by the name but they won't realize that it's not really true I told him to say that his name was half terrorist half immigrant

should have listened to the pro Fidel come on man this is incredible this is the first time we've ever had the lead singer of Creamed Corn Should have listened to the pro, Fidel. Should have listened to the pro. Man, this is incredible. This is the first time we've ever had the lead singer of Creamed Corn. Joelberg? I didn't know the Bhagwan had joined Run DMC.

Wow. Man, Fidel, you are a full-grown man in an Adidas track suit. For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like the lead singer of Mars Volta if he just played fucking Connect Four his entire life. What's the wild, wild country you're from? Fidel, you have braces. You're a full-grown man. I like your style. Your friend that signed you up for this hates you, by the way, braces you're a full grown man I like your style

your friend that signed you up for this hates you by the way if you're wondering did he tell you that he signed you up? yeah he expressed it afterwards? or like during? he's like dude I'm gonna sign you up and you're like no dude I'm wearing this fucking Adidas suit

he looks like that girl that came out of the TV in the ring and you're like, no, dude, I'm wearing this fucking Adidas suit, bro. He looks like that girl that came out of the TV in the ring. Yeah. No, he said that he's going to sign me up. I told him, man, I had nothing prepared. Did he sign up? Yeah, he did. What a bitch.

At least that's what he told me. I don't know. Right. It's really, really, really, really, really bitch. At least that's what he told me. I don't know. Right. Wow. It's really, really, really, really, really a mean thing to do to throw your friend under a bus when he's wearing an all-white Adidas track suit. You know what I mean?

So Fidel, tell us more about you. How old are you? I'll be 31 tomorrow. Oh, wow. You have a birthday coming up. Oh, yeah. That's exciting. 31 years old. You have a birthday coming up. Oh, yeah. That's exciting. 31 years old. How long you had the braces for?

10 years. 10 years you've had braces? What the fuck? I'm pretty sure you only have one more visit left, dude. What's that before picture look like? Yeah. I mean, I'm really... I mean, I'm not surprised that a guy that looks like you

is in two different bands, but those type of bands are not the... No, I lost my job, so I... They said that I can either take them off or keep them on. And I was like, it'd probably be cheaper if I kept them on. Just get a screwdriver in there. Oh, my God. This is the funniest shit I think I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, there's only one thing to do. Fort Worth. Who wants to take off this guy's braces live on Kill Tony right now? I think it's only right. You ready for this? Anybody have any Vicodin or you know what? We have some infinite CBD. We're going to rub it on

your mouth. Man, what does it take to take off braces? Can we do that? Yeah. Anybody have any pliers? Alright. What's the job that you lost? Encore.

Encore. What's that? Electric company. They read your meters. Say it again. Man. What? An encore is when you do it again. Oh, yes. Alright. An encore is when you do it again. Oh, yes. All right.

You lost your job at the electric company. That's strange, since it looks like you can conduct energy with your smile. All right. Well, I mean, what else? What else about you, Fidel? Seems like you're a guy that would have some interesting hobbies. Most guys in an all-white jumpsuit have that going for them. What are we talking about here?

What are you into? You're a DJ, right? Well, I do produce music. You do produce music. Yes, of course you do. You're damn right. You're not allowed to own that outfit if you don't. What else?

What other hobbies do you have? You on Spotify? Any of your music on Spotify? No, you haven't made it to spotify yet how about soundcloud yeah i do have a soundcloud really what's your soundcloud uh f y d e f y d e all right well i mean what type of music do you play experiment like jazz experimental jazz like rap or just just jazz I showed it to my friend and they said that it sounds

a lot like castles in the sky anybody heard of it you used to live in Toronto did you that's where F-Y-D-E it says that's where that's from but that looks like it's an album title because it's Fred from Toronto. Man, well, yeah, that's interesting.

So you're never going to do comedy again? You just, like, yeah. Well, Fidel, I tried to figure out maybe what's interesting about you or anything at all. It's hard to keep this on track suit. If it was up to me, we would. Yeah, Red Band! Yeah. This crowd is easily impressed.

When did you buy the track suit? How long have you had the tracksuit for? A day? Yeah. Just a day? I would put that money towards the get the braces off the face foundation. You know what I'm saying? Buy a brush.

Do you get laid a lot? It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been. Do you play the track and field? You know what I'm saying? Okie dokie. Fidel, we're going to get another person up here. It's been. Do you play the track and field? You know what I'm saying? Okie dokie. Fidel, we're going to get another person up here.

There he goes. Fidel Lopez, everybody. Fidel Lopez. How many of you like it when a comedian gets pulled out of the bucket and has a good set? How many of you like it when a comedian gets pulled out of the bucket and has a good set? How many of you like watching people bomb up here? Whoa. That's the strongest one in Texas so far. Easily 90% to 10% on that.

This room's filled with hateful people. All right. Pulled another name. Let's meet Jamie Jakes. Here we go. Jamie Jakes Here we go Jamie Jakes The dream is coming true This is your moment of destiny

Out of the picture You have been pulled Here in Fort Worth Texas One more time for Jamie Jakes What's up So Mega Millions hit a billion dollars a couple weeks ago. So of course I had to throw my name in the bucket. I had to buy a ticket. You wouldn't believe it. I didn't win. But it's worth it for me to buy that ticket just to think about what I would get if I did win the lottery.

And if I did win the lottery, the first thing I would do, I would go out, buy a Lamborghini. Oh, Lamborghinis, they're so expensive, they're so impractical, they're hard to get parts for. Yeah, Rolexes don't tell time well, but they're cool looking and rappers sing about it. That's the point. They're cool looking and rappers sing about it. That's the point. And... You don't hear Migos singing about Timexes or Toyota Corollas. They're singing about Rollies and Lambos.

The second thing I'm doing when I win the lottery is going to go way too long. Do you want me to go, Tony? No, I don't. Wow. Why do you look more like an 80s comedian than the guys next to you? You are the funniest

Val Venus action figure we have ever had. That is so funny. I literally wrote down the words Val Venus on this piece of paper. Did you get your biceps from doing this?

No, that's my personal trainer over there. Wow, look at you. Just riffing with the big boys. Let me guess, you're about half gay? Yeah. No, I'm married to a woman,

but that's my half gay boyfriend right there. Wow, alright. Don't try to be funny anymore. So Jamie Jakes, let's talk about it. What was that? Oh, yeah. This is my first time on stage. Hey, look at that.

Fuck yeah, Jamie Jakes. There's the goat of the first time performance. Jamie, this is exciting. How old are you? I'm 24. You're 24 years old. You don't look a goddamn day over 35. Perfect.

You just started stand-up. What do you do for a living? Well, I'm a student. I'm a chiropractic student. Wow, really? Jeez, man. It's a shame you didn't crack anybody up here tonight. Whoa, I like that one.

All right, well, let's bring it back to the chiropractor here. Why is that? Why do you want to do that oh uh it's just something that i've really been interested in doing for a while um ever since i was ever since i was a kid uh you know you talk about the the cbd stuff and uh getting away from prescription medicine and that's just something that really aligns with my train of thought. I think chiropractors do a good job of doing that. Wow. Look at you, man. I wouldn't adjust a single thing to what you just said. Uh, what, uh, how much longer you got until you're your own chiropractor? Uh, yeah. So I go, I go to the clinic, um, which, so I, so you do like two years of classes and then you adjust people in the clinic for another year.

The answer to your question is I'll graduate December next year, 2019. And when you graduate, does the wizard give you your courage? No, when he graduates from the clinic, they say, you have AIDS. So, Jamie, you seem like a fun guy. What do you like to do for fun?

What do you do when you're going to let your hair down? Yeah. For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like a guy that would both cut down a tree and steal your slip and slide from you. It's a very Van Wilder type of vibe going on up here. Like a pool guy in a porn movie.

Yeah. Do you see what I see? Yeah, so I make a lot of fitness. I do CrossFit for fun. Wait, stop, stop, stop. I make fitness. What do you mean you make fitness?

You make me poop fart. What do you mean you make fitness? I do CrossFit. I do that for fun. I do that after school. So if I got on stage, I promised myself that I would tell myself that people who listen to the podcast should really listen or watch it on YouTube because it's so much

better on YouTube. My wife and I like to... Thank you for plugging the show everybody's already listening to. You are right. I sometimes think that that goes without saying. The crazy... Look at you.

Look at you. I wish that the crazy, I mean, look at you. Yeah. I mean, look at you. Like, I wish that the people, he has a curly mustache. Fucking one of the least fit people that I've ever seen make fitness. We've had some really unhealthy, you have some of the unhealthiest trainers and fitness people here in Fort Worth. Normally, I'm not shocked and appalled when I find out somebody works in fitness. But this fucking clown. So when you're not making fitness and whatever other stupid shit you said, what was interesting about you?

Oh, so something interesting. I was an All-American wrestler in college. Oh, wow. See, there you go. That's fucking interesting. What weight class was that? I was an All-American at 197. Wow, that's very fucking impressive.

Good Lord, that's scary. When's the last time you wrestled? Well, I actually wrestled today in the gym, but... What? With what, your sexuality? Sexuality. I knew you would. Your sexuality?

I knew you were going to say that. There you go. The old set them up, knock them down. Man, do you play any musical instruments? You seem like a guy that would. No. Wow. Oh, sorry.

Hell yeah. Well, Jamie, very fun. Nice to meet you. Congratulations on your first time on stage. We're going to keep this fun train moving along here. Plug my Instagram, please. You want me to? Okay.

Plug your Instagram. He's on Instagram at jamjks. So all one word, J-A-M-J-K-S. Fidel Lopez, surprisingly, is not on social media. Gage Tyrena is at Gage Tyrina. G-A-G-E-T-I-J-E-R-I-N-A. Fucking horrible spelling name. Disgusting show business name.

It'll never work. He's 21 years old. He needs to change it now. Change it now before leaving Fort Worth. See, do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? Everybody! Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

I love one word names. I mean, we have a long running, you know, some of our favorites, Aphrodite, Ichabod, you know what I mean? I just pulled a one-word name right now, and it has a fucking exclamation point. Make some noise for Nikki. Nikki.

What's up, Fort Worth. Alright, alright, so I'm recently single. Just broke up with my transgender girlfriend. Because obviously, you know, I look like the kind of guy. Yeah, I'm the kind of guy. So there's a lot of positives, a lot of negatives to it, you know.

Number one, massages, way better. You know, that grip strength, the serious. Downside, my dick doesn't look too big anymore. I don't know. I'm so excited.

Meow. Jesus. That's a reach I hate it when people assume that they know when a minute is Move slow up here Hi, Nikki everybody One more time for Nikki Hell yeah

I mean, let's just jump right into it Let's get it I mean, holy fucking shit Jeremiah Meet my cocaine dealer Tony I mean you look like your transgender girlfriend Is saying she just broke up with her transgender girlfriend You look like Bruce Buffoon You said that the breakup has a lot of positives and negatives

I'm guessing one of the positives is HIV. All right. My golly. I didn't get the joke about your dick not being too big anymore. Help me understand what you were trying to say. Well, the whole thing is because the hands are bigger and stronger. So, you know, now I have like a fetish for small hands. Makes my dick look a lot bigger, so.

Okay. Okay. Let's, I mean, I still don't, now I understand it less than I understood. You keep on saying like your hands are so big that my dick. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So, Nikki, was that your first transgender girlfriend? Yes. Is that, so that was a, that was something, like Are you normally, I'm just confused,

are you normally into men or women? I'm normally into the females. So one could say that you might be half gay? You could say that. Everywhere else that's known as bisexual, by the way.

Only in Fort Worth it's like, you know what? I think I'm about half gay. A little bit queer. I'm not a bisexual, that's for homos. I'm just half gay. I'm gay half the fucking time. With half my dick, half my butt, and half my mouth. Well, it's not really gay if there's tits involved,

you know what I mean? Hey, you know, it's funny you mention this. I literally have been talking about this for the last few days it is a new bit that i'm actually working on which jeremiah hinted at earlier i do have a bit about that i'm working on about how uh about how i think watching a woman with a dick fuck a woman on a porn is straighter than a regular porn because it's mostly all woman except for the dick. So have you ever watched like a woman? No, I haven't.

No, this is all very new to me. I can tell you've already got your fucking black strap on or whatever. Whatever that is is the worst. I don't know why the transformer soundboard would still be up after that. So you limit yourself to what... Wait, wait, wait. I want to know what you're about to ask me. Well, no, because if you watch transgender porn, you only have like, okay, so it's only women with trans,

not trans with man, or... No, yeah, yeah, I wouldn't be into that. No, that's gay as fuck to me. trans with man or no yeah yeah i wouldn't be into that no that's gay as fuck to me uh yeah there's no no no man shit with me believe it or not i know a lot of people are shocked by that and you know a lot of people would probably guess differently including my browser history but you know no i'm kidding i'm kidding niky so anyway yeah yeah yeah so uh tell me what else was different maybe we should uh i mean is it weird if we talked about who because i think i know who i know dude but like i don't maybe not yeah maybe not maybe that's over the line even

though there's only one famous transgender woman in the history of kill tony so we wouldn't want to that's for the viewers and the fans to find out. Well, there you go. If they know, if you know, if you don't know, now you know. Yeah. So, Nicky, wow. What was that like? I mean, tell us more.

Oh, it was pretty intense. I mean, you know, I have like my own personal opinion now on the whole trans community. A lot of people get their opinions from, like, Trump rallies and news and shit like that. You get yours from... I get mine from personal experience. Right, yeah. From taking loads.

Well, no. Incidentally, incidentally, I wasn't fortunate enough to get one with the penis, you know, that was already removed. So I had to deal with the fact that it was an inside-out dick that was already removed. So I had to deal with the fact that it was an inside-out dick

that was constructed to look like a vagina. And then I had to tell myself, it's a vagina, but it's fucking not. I mean, it looks like one, but it's fucking not. You know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean. It is. No, we would like details.

You look like you're just into holes in general, so I don't know what the problem. Hole in a wall, hole in a suit. What's the craziest thing you ever put your... Hole in a drummer. Nikki, what's the craziest... Oh, look out. Oh, here we go.

Holberg, Holberg, Holberg.berg Holberg Yeah this is the part of the show where a guy fucks our drummer We've been leading up to it ever since San Antonio Hell yeah So Nicky what's the weirdest thing you've ever put your dick into? That blazer

Perhaps a microwaved cantilope or something like that? I would say a banana peel. Whoa. A warmed up banana peel. Wow. And you got to wrap it in paper towels. So when you're done, it's just...

It feels pretty good, too. Wow, this guy is scum of the earth. I love it, dude. Recycle, man. This is your first time Doing stand up comedy It's my seventh time On stage

Seventh time on stage The other six Were with the Fucking Chippendales Pretty close Down under What were you doing

What do you mean The other six times When you say I'm pretty close No no no I mean like I did Open mic You know about six times I actually met you

A year ago You did open mic about six times. I actually met you a year ago. You did open mic, open molly. Open what? It's about how you'll fuck anything. I don't need molly for that though, Tony. Open molly. Natural molly. Open mic.

Okie dokie. Okie dokie. Open casket after that run. Thanks, 80s comedian. Thank you. This guy needs a set change. Jesus Christ, what is happening? Oh, my God.

So that's fun. What do you do for work? I'm a jeweler. You're a jeweler. Wow. Hell yeah. Well, you know. Is that a move part of being a jeweler. You're a jeweler. Wow. Hell yeah. Well, you know. Is that a move part of being a jeweler?

That's how I advertise, you know. We know you definitely know how to find a diamond in the rough. Wow. Fuck, yeah. My goodness. What does a jeweler do? Like, I mean, make? Slang jewels, bro. You say you buy jewels?

I don't really buy them. Sometimes I'll buy them, but basically it's kind of like a drug dealer. You know the people who do drugs, and people who have drugs that supply the drugs? You bring it to those people. In my case, it's rich white women who buy jewelry, so I just kind of bet, and sometimes black rich white women who buy jewelry so i just kind of that and sometimes black

dudes and you know people people who wear jewelry you know probably nobody here but right you know it's a small percentage this is what i love about this fucking show is kill tony has by far the most different shapes and sizes and types of people that love it and sign up for it like there's literally for those of you listening to the podcast, let me remind you, we are in Fort Worth, Texas. This guy's talking about being a jeweler that will fuck anything, wearing a flowery jacket, diamond necklace,

a Kill Tony shirt. He's got rings, bracelets on. Talking without any hesitation in the middle of Texas with 200 fucking Texas bearded dudes looking at him like, what the fuck is this shit? What type of show is this?

I think my buddy that brought me here is into gay shit. This show is half gay. All right, Nicky, we're going to keep it moving along. There he goes, Nicky, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. Come on, make some noise for this guy. The Honesty. Great interview.

First ever time on stage. I'm having fun up here tonight. Fort Worth. You guys are fucking fun. Make some noise for the amazing staff here at Hyena's. Randy runs an amazing club here. We have two fucking more crazy stand-up shows tonight. There may still be tickets available for that late show at 10.30.

I don't know. But someone just got picked for one minute here, and his name is Alexander Michael Brammer. Here we go. Here he comes. It's Alexander Michael Brammer, everybody. Get on the fucking stage. There he comes. It's Alexander Michael Brammer, everybody. Get on the fucking stage. There he is.

Okay, do your thing, dude, that way. Fucking, okay, sure, dude. Do that fucking, get up there. Yeah, okay. One more time for Alexander Michael Brammer, everyone. Thank you, everyone. everyone best jokey of all ti me homosexuality and the Turing test round Round of A-P-P-L-E-R-S-E for The Penguin and Professor X. More than five years of what are referred to as Kill Tony events.

Wa-wa-wee-wow. Thanks, thanks, thanks. Well, Miniature Pony Seinfeld stole this idea from me while we were at the concentratee camps. We can talk about that later, but thanks. Roughly speaking, what's referred to as free speech and improving. If I am of no A-B-L-E to vocalize C-E, to talk, to speak E-A-K, I am of no A-B-L-E to think. And if I'm of no able to think, I'm of no able to properly or

de- or... Wow. Wow. It has taken us a long time. Many, many, many episodes to truly find the worst. And yet, here you are, right here, in the middle

of Fort Worth, Texas. I mean, I absolutely hate you. Everything about you. How did it feel to D-I-E on S-T-A-G-E tonight? I mean, just mind-boggling. Just as bad as it's ever been. As bad as it gets. Wow.

I mean, good lord. I guess this is what happens if Daniel Bryan gets another concussion It's for half the room Are you A-U-T-I-S-T-I You know what I'm talking about What's your story Alexander I mean that was just piss poor horrible

It doesn't seem like you connected with the audience or anyone at all You turned us off right from the beginning by emptying some fucking bag of junk was just piss poor horrible. It doesn't seem like you connected with the audience or anyone at all. You made it, you turned us off right from the beginning by emptying some fucking bag of junk on the table. Okay. Frisbees and some fucking bag for some reason. And then

you started spelling shit and talking nonsense. Pretty impressive. Have you ever done this before? Never. What made you come here tonight? There's the goat. The first time goat. I think that what's happening here with what's referred to as Kill Tony podcasts are beyond words.

Yeah, it was amazing right up until you got up here. It was fucking unbelievable. You're right. We give people an opportunity to express themselves and have a chance. We might need to look at that contract and start changing the rules of this. Anyway, so Alexander. Where do you see the Z? Oh, man.

So are you autistic? Are you? Has anyone ever told you that before? Do you know what that is? Have you ever seen a doctor? Yes, Jeremiah. I've never seen a rock climber who's also a magician. Oh, wow.

Okay. So we know what one of his special skills is. You won't need to ask that question. I can kick much higher than that. Is that true? Who wants to see the 80s comedian kick higher than that? Oh, wow. This is serious.

Took off the saxophone. Sax is going on the sax stand. There's a drum roll. Here he goes. Going for a drum roll. Here he goes. Going for a higher kick. Whoa! Wow. Oh, he wants to do the other leg.

Oh, my God. We're having kick. Oh, wow. Here we are. This is incredible. MacGruber just got raped up here. Okay, that's enough. This is...

Wow. Somehow this is... I win by default. He fell. You do. My God. Okay, Alexander, step back up to the microphone. Now I will kick him in the face, ladies and gentlemen. Alexander, what's up, man? So what's going on?

What happened? I mean, what did you think was going to happen? Did you think people were going to laugh at that thing? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you're like a worse version of goat versus fish. Yes. It's been on this show a couple times.

So, Jeremiah. Okay. This is one of the things with the show. Remember? Okay. All right. I mean, those nails, dude. When's the last time you clipped your nails?

I don't prefer that. You're mid-transition into werewolf. They're all coke nails. Nikki's going to try to fuck you next. You were born and bred here near Fort Worth, Texas? No. No, where are you from?

Narnia. Where are you from? I grew up around what's referred to as Kansas City. Kansas City. Oh, we actually, our friend Jeremiah Watkins

is from Kansas City. He seems so proud. Wow. Kansas City, the home of the high kickers. This is not a Casey masterpiece. Vegan, vegan, no meat. This guy is literally the worst. We do not have vegans in Kansas City.

Do you think there's anything else? I mean, you're truly up for the most hated person to ever get pulled out of the bucket on this show. Do you think there's anything else? You're a vegan. List some more things. It's not necessary. Thanks for allowing for this.

I mean, what was it? Oh, Alexander, you're adorable. You don't even know what happened here tonight. You do drugs? Uh, sober since what's referred to as July 7th. July 16th, 2017.

2017. What happened the day before that day? Well, no, it was... Hold on a second. What calendar are you referring to? Yeah, that's a... Talking to the microphone. Yeah, what calendar?

So what were you... What did you get sober from? It was from a lysergic SID dithylamide experience, so an LSD experience.

Right. I don't need to talk about it, but... Okie dokie. Yay! That's what happened. You pulled an old Sid Barrett, huh? Never been quite the same since then, huh? No, no, no.

It started before that. I get it. Well, make sure you don't trip on your way out of here. Alright, there he goes. Alexander Michael Brammer. What is it. Alright, there he goes. Alexander Michael Brammer. What is it? Okay, there he goes. Alexander, I just need you to leave. See, that's why people don't...

I'll take it. I mean, sure, dude. Sure. Thank you so much. There you go. Alexander Michael Brammer. Sure to whatever. Get off the stage. If you needed any proof that nothing is predetermined here or prescreened, this is the livest show in all of comedy. There is no possible preparing for what just happened here. I'm starting to wonder if that guy was half gay as well.

Yes. By the looks of how he was dressed, it was from the waist down. All right. This looks like an interesting name. as well. Yes. By the looks of how he was dressed, it was from the waist down. Alright. This looks like an interesting name. How about George Cortez? Here we go. Or Jorge? Jorge?

Here he is. George Cortez, everybody. Here he is. George Cortez, everybody. I figured out the problem with Christian rap. Yeah. I identified three important components to rap music. One, talk about how much money you have and how irresponsibly you spend it.

Two, talk about your sexual escapades by way of degrading women. And three, insult your peers via diss track. Christian rap doesn't do any of these things. They talk about the love of God, and that's relevant to the genre. But I feel like they could draw on more people if they diss the devil. Okay? They don't need anything too complicated, just something like,

fuck the devil. He a bitch. Run in his mouth, he ain't really about to do shit. I fucked his hoe. I jacked his whip. He ain't really out there on the streets, ain't never seen this motherfucker move a brick. Praise God, amen. Yeah!

There you go Nailed it George Cortez You did it Beautiful minute I almost completely forgot that Alexander Michael Brammer exists After seeing that Incredible great minute of comedy

How long you been doing stand up Five years Mr. Hinchcliffe my name is Jorge by the way Jorge It's all good I mean all, all you fucking Latinos, whatever. God damn it. Jorge. All right, Jorge. Oh, Jesus.

What's going on over here? All right. Okay. So, Jorge, five years all here in Fort Worth, Texas? No, sir. I've been here for the past year, but I'm from El Paso. El Paso. So, you keep saying, sir, are you a military guy?

No, my dad's just like, that's how you speak to people and shit. Wow. Damn. Hell yeah. The place goes crazy for manners. Everybody's excited after all this half-gay shit. It's like back to being a goddamn man.

Yeah. My father taught me that. I speak like my father, red, white, and blue. For work. For math. A dick goes in a fucking pussy. All right? I don't care what anybody...

A hot dog goes on a bun, and a dick goes in a pussy. Sick of all this shit. Goddamn gayest episode of Kill Tony I've ever been to in my fucking life. I'm here to straighten us out, Jorge Cortez. So, Jorge, you're awesome.

How old are you, 29? 26. 26, fucking perfect. You're a real tough guy. For those of you listening to the podcast, this looks like the nephew of Tito Ortiz. So what do you do for a living? I cook in a barn,

in the kitchen in a barn, and occasionally I sell shots at a gay club in my underwear. This is unbelievable. Tony, we can't get away from the gay in Fort Worth. We can't get away from the gay. I never saw that coming. What do you do for work? Well, sir.

Well, sir, I, uh... What was the first thing? I cook. That's right. I cook in a kitchen in a barn. And then I serve shots in my underwear at a gay bar. Better to serve them than take them. You know what I'm saying?

Make that money, man. Make that money. Okay. Jesus Christ. You having your own Mexican drum off over there? All right, he wins. That gay is poison. My God. So you cook in a kitchen in a barn

and serve shots at a gay bar, so literally your resume is half gay. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes resume is half gay. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, gay as fuck, sir. When I hear the national anthem, I get down on two knees. Sir, yes, sir.

I will suck that dick, sir. Would you like another Jager bomb, sir? Wow. You serve people in your underwear. You have to wear special underwear for that? You have fancy underwear? You have cheap Joel Berg underwear? Anytime Joel's gotten down to his underwear, we've learned that he has poor people's underwear.

Keeps me humble. Okay. Wow. Jorge how long you been serving shots at the gay bar? Maybe like six months or something like that. Yeah. You ever get hit on? You get hit on a lot there? Like, hey, Jorge.

I'm a Jorge. Like that. What do you call a prostitute that's also a horse? Jorge. Hey. What? A prostitute that's also a horse. Jorge. That would be a what does...

No, a horse is not... Hey, it would be what's a gay horse's favorite... Or what's a horny horse's favorite food? Be Jorge. What's a horse that's a prostitute? What's their favorite food today, Jorge? Yes. I love working out bits with an 80s comedian.

That might be my favorite thing. It's actually not the first time I've done it. It's how a good part of my writing career started. I like this guy. You like this guy? Yeah, because I also serve people in my underwear for this show. Wow. So, Jorge, when you say you cook food in a barn, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

I'm white, so I just can never fathom any of that. I misspoke. I meant bar. Oh, not a barn. Not a barn. Oh, okay. I heard barn. Serving sausage at the gay bar.

I'm from the 80s. When you hit that chicken sound effect, he went like that at the same time. It was really amazing. It's fucking. Do it again. Do it again do it again is there any difference between me and you what we do here you do it you try to do the flappy wing thing all right it's not the same when you do it oh so there is a difference after all well Well, Jorge, I mean, wow.

Very impressive fucking minute. You absolutely killed Tony. Your interview was completely compelling. Very, very surprising and fun. Very nice to meet you. Please sign up again when we come back around here again, all right? Thank you very much. Can I shake your hand? Absolutely, sir. Yes, sir.

Jorge Cortez, ladies and gentlemen. He just killed Tony. That's how you do it. All right. Back to the picture of Jorge Cortez. That was Jorge Cortez On Kilt Tony

Look at this dude Fuck yeah dude Hell yeah Wow I think I saw that guy playing Frisbee with Alexander Michael Brammer earlier. Good morning. All right.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Sam Haynes, everybody. Here we go. The pitcher of destiny has spoken. Live in Fort Worth, Texas. Everything's bigger here in Texas, including the episodes of Kill Tony. Giddy up, here he comes.

Fuck yeah, he's pretending like he doesn't know where the entrance is after all the explanations and after an hour of show. Here he comes, galloping right through the middle of the room. One more time for Sam Haynes, everybody. How's it going? So I was at Village Inn the other day.

They sell a lot of pies. I thought it would be useful if I opened a Pillage Inn right next to Village Inn and just stole all their shit. Just sold it in my place. So, you know, you have a, whoa, whoa, come on now. Thank you. So, you know how high school yearbooks, a lot of times they have superlatives, you know? So I thought it'd be, I thought it'd be funny if they had realistic superlatives. Like my mom got most likely to be an airhead. I thought it'd be funny if it was like most likely to die in combat.

We all know that guy, right? Maybe like... Oh, yeah. Sam Haynes. Yikes. Yes, sir. Well, the good thing is you came across as a huge douche. Yeah.

Meet Wack Miller. That's probably not a joke to do in Texas. Wow, you're a hip dude. Fuck yeah. I like this. So what's half gay about you? Gay porn? I don't know. Wow, there you go. Alright, everybody's making confessions

here today. This is truly the gayest episode of Kill Tony we've ever had. Welcome to another episode of Gay Tony. People have been saying that for years, though. You know what I mean? Alright, Sam, so let's talk about it. That's your first ever stand-up set.

Absolutely. Absolutely. We know that. Definitely. It's also, congratulations, your last ever stand-up set. We just got word. That's the plan. Yeah. ever stand-up set. We just got word. That's the plan, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're a hip dude.

I can tell you got some stuff going on. You're an artist of some kind, music producer, something like that? No. No? What do you do? What are you into? Something weird? Shoes or something, right?

No? Definitely not? Okay, I was wrong about that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the hip thing about you? Because you have the hip look that, like that hip people that want to be younger, they dress like that. They want to be younger?

Yeah, you want to be younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. Shit, I don't know. Yeah, you do. I mean, I'm involved in the music scene in Tulsa. I'll say that. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Sure.

That's the answer to the question I asked you a minute ago. Yeah. But I'm not a music producer. You're a promoter. No. I just hang out with those people. You just hang out with music. I like to observe what's going on.

What do you do for work? I'm an observer. I'm a business analyst at a tech company. Oh, yeah? Here in Fort Worth? In Tulsa, Oklahoma. You live in Tulsa? Yeah, I drove down.

You drove all the way from Tulsa? I watch this shit religiously. How long of a drive is that? It's like five hours. It's not bad. God damn. Now I like you all of a sudden. You just won me over.

At first, I hated you. My favorite shit to do is get high as fuck and just watch Kill Tony. There you go. That would have been a good answer to say when I asked you what hip shit you're into four and a half minutes ago. Perfect.

Yeah. Well, there you go. That would have made the whole audience go crazy, but I guess you figured it out organically. I like to wait. Yeah, you like to build it up. Why do you look like if someone smashed together all the members of NSYNC?

And it's not a compliment, by the way. I'm not taking it. It sucks. So Tulsa, Oklahoma, you're a tech analyst. Is that a boring job? Is that rough? No, I enjoy it. Alright, you get a lot of tech pussy? I mean, my girlfriend's over there. I'm really hoping she gets pulled up.

We'll have to see. Yeah, for sure. We will have to see. We definitely will have to see. You guys drove from Tulsa together? Yeah, yeah. Same car. Did you do that this morning? You left this morning from Tulsa? Yeah, yeah. So when did you... Same car. Did you do that this morning? You left this morning from Tulsa?

Yeah, we left this morning. Yeah. Did you get roadhead or anything like that? Nah. Headshot! Jesus. Now, a little handy? Anything like that?

No, nothing. When's the last time you and your girlfriend had sex? Two hours ago. Two hours ago. Two hours ago. Where? In a hotel? You guys got a hotel? Yeah.

Oh, that's cool. What hotel are you guys staying at? The Renaissance downtown. Cool. What's your room number? Hey, can I get a please allow on that show? Oh, my God. It's not just rough for me.

All right. Sam, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? Mutual friends. Mutual friends. What's the first place you took her on a date? Brown Town. Oh, man. You don't remember the first time you hung out with your girlfriend?

Whoa, whoa. Those are different questions. First time I hung out with her. First time I took her on a date. Separate things. Jesus Christ. How about any of the above? Have you ever seen an interview take place before?

How stoned do you get before listening to Kill Tony? This is incredible. My first date, I don't remember. First time we hung out, still not gonna answer you. Jesus, Sam. First date was probably like three, four months ago.

Yeah. Okay. Where'd you guys go? By the way, his girlfriend's fetish is guys with amnesia. Yeah, I mean, this is fucking incredible. Is that your girlfriend's name, Amnesia? Oh, my God. Did you write all your jokes down in the notebook? Like the movie?

All right. Okie dokie. Well, Sam, I mean, you gave it a fucking shot. That's a long drive. I love your passion. I, too, back when I was 29, is that what you said? 29? Say that again, sir. You said you're 29?

23. Oh, you're 23. Wow. Fuck yeah. Well, back when I was 23, I was, and it Fuck yeah. Well, back when I was 23, and it works then too, back when I was 23, I was getting so stoned that I couldn't really remember anything either. That basically sums up my life.

Well, there you go. Hell yeah. Well, you did it here tonight. It's going to be an easy drive home for Sam Haynes, making his dream come true. There you go. Hell yeah. There he goes, everybody.

I should have asked more about that hotel sex. All right, here we go. The pitcher of destiny has spoken, and it calls to the stage Jordan Mack. Yee-hoo! Here he comes. Here he is. Jordan Mack.

Hey, guys. All right, you can give it up for the whole Kill Tony squad putting this shit together. Come on, guys. Come on. So y'all remember me, right? Yeah, if not, we got some problems. It doesn't matter. I'm already fired.

No, but anyway, I'm trying to gain weight because I'm skinny. I'm sorry. I shouldn't say skinny. Mass impaired. I didn't know how skinny I was because mass impaired i was because like you don't know what you look like until you see yourself in the picture and i was wearing a flannel this one time and i was wearing a medium and it honestly looked so big on me that it looked like me and my man fucked and i'm just wearing a shirt around the house you know i'm going to kitchen get some strawberries and shit, but real talk,

it sucks being skinny because there's a lot of shit I can't do. Mass impaired because there's a lot of shit I can't do. Like, I can't join the Peace Corps because you can't look like the people you're helping out. That just doesn't make any sense. Alright, that's my time. Thank you all very much. Thank you. That was Jordan Mack

Jordan Mack Fuck yeah You been on this show before? No No? First time? First time He works here, Tony Oh, really?

Past tense He worked here, Tony Really? You got fired? No, they just needed volunteers, so Oh, hell yeah Well, you are the captain now. That's right. Come on.

Hey-o! So, Jordan, it's your first time on the show. That was a fun set, talking about being mass impaired. Yeah. Hell yeah. How much do you weigh?

120 pounds. 120? Wow. Don't say, ah. Man. Even I look at you and think, wow, what a tiny bitch you are. That's incredible. I'm 135 pounds of aluminum foil, if you're wondering.

So, Jordan, that's exciting. Have you always been a smaller guy? Yeah, always Hell yeah No, I used to be seven feet tall It wasn't the height I was asking about, Jeremiah Thank you Dudley Zipper, pleasure to meet you

Not everybody can be tall like you, Jeremiah Dudley Shit, hell yeah So Jordan, you are the Muggsy Bogues of the comedy scene. Very exciting. How long have you been doing stand-up? For about a year. No, actually exactly a year and eight days.

Year and eight days, everybody. Hell yeah. Wow. Man. All right. Well, that's fun. What else do you do other than working here? I'm a drummer.

Yeah. Really? Is that true? Wow. Well. Well. Jesus. You guys really know how to build it up.

Yeah, guys. I was just going to say. Joel stands up. Red Pan hits the music. Okay. We have another winner. I was just going to say something about the way this guy looks. I probably already lost.

Well, I'm really excited to see this. You are aware what a Mexican drum off is on this show? No. Yeah, well, let me explain it to you. You do a drum solo, and then Joel does a drum solo, and the best drum solo wins. Now, Joel is, according to the show's storyline, all time in the history of the show drum solo wins. Now Joel is according to the show's storyline all time in the history

of the show undefeated. However, however, however, let me tell you this. If for some reason you happen to beat him here today, you are flying back with us to Los Angeles, California.

You're going to have your own apartment. And you're going to be the new drummer on Kill Tony every Monday at the comedy store at 8pm. If you can beat him in a drum solo. But I must warn you, it's almost impossible to beat him.

He's adored by the crowd. And if you beat him, by the way, we're leaving Joel here. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, do you prefer aisle or window seat? Okay, anyway, why don't you get behind the curtain? Yeah, that way, where the curtain starts,

80s comedian. Jesus. This guy really knows his way around this stage. Jesus, why are you so far out? Lean against the wall, Joel. Okay, you guys ready for a Mexican drummer? All right. Drumming first.

Ladies and gentlemen, with his own drum solo. You can do it any way you want. Sort of like 20, 30-ish seconds. You know what I mean? Build it up and let it rip. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up. You from Fort Worth, Texas? Where are you from? From New Orleans, Louisiana.

Make some noise for the Mexican Drum Off competition with Jordan Mack, everybody. Here we go. All right. Jordan Mack. And now introducing his opponent, the reigning, defending drummer of the Killed Tony Band, it's Joel Virtual. Wow. Wow.

Here he goes. Wow Joel Joel Joel Stand up there And take a bow Wow! Joel, Joel, Joel, stand up there and take a bow. Come on. How did you do that? I didn't realize he was going to do it. I didn't realize he was going to do it right there. It's definitely the gayest ever. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. right there. It's definitely the gayest episode. Fuck yeah.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I've never been that close to a man's actual asshole before. Sure. Me neither. I think that's the half gayest thing that's ever happened on this show. Wow.

Jordan, man. Jeez, oh man. Wow. Well, not the first time a black guy's gotten owned in Fort Worth, Texas. You know what I'm saying? In all due respect, it was a close tie.

It was a close tie. What is it, too soon for a slavery joke, you fucking pussies? All the shit we've been through tonight about dicks going into inside out dicks and everything, you're going to turn on me there? Jesus. You thought Jolte and Keith? I need to turn on me there. Jesus. You thought Jolting Keith. I need to buy loser socks.

Ouch. Still doing bits from behind the curtain. He's an 80s comedian. Never knows when to hang it up. Wow. This is hilarious. Well, Jordan, so much fun. what else do you do in life with any other hobbies or anything like that you ever uh you ever go uh fishing or uh you know fucking uh

play solitaire or anything like that uh yeah i mean i've played solitaire before but that's not a fun hobby yeah what do you what do you for fun? For fun, this pretty much. Yeah, what else? Well, I used to do drums but not anymore apparently. You still do but you used to too. Ah, I see. All right, Jordan.

Well, so much fun. Nice to meet you. Great fucking set. Appreciate it. Great times. There he goes, Jordan Mack, Jordan. Well, so much fun. Nice to meet you. Great fucking set. Appreciate it. Great times. There he goes. Jordan Mack, everybody. He's on Twitter at JordanMackLOL.

Yeah. He was a good drummer. He was like a jazz drummer or something. Uh-huh. Just not good enough. It's true. Joel Berg retains. Alright.

You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? Okay. Let's do it. We've run out of time. So let's see what happens. Okay. We're going back to back

Jordans. Make some noise for Jordan back-to-back Jordans. Make some noise for Jordan Black, everybody. Here we go. Ah, here he comes. I'm right in the middle of the room. Here he is, the one and only Jordan Black, everybody. So growing up, my parents were separated. Surprise.

This wasn't raised in a healthy environment. So whenever somebody would die in my family, they would try to meet together at a neutral place to tell me together as a unit. That neutral place happened to be a Brahms ice cream parlor. We're familiar. They'd sit me down. They'd wait until I was halfway through a con.

They'd be like, Jordan, Papa Warnell passed away last night. Well, thanks, Mom and Dad. Now I can't eat cookies and cream without fucking crying. So I appreciate it. No wonder I'm so fat. I have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with banana splits. My mom, this happens so frequently. My mom, she was like, I'll come up with a cute new jingle

For Brahms It was Brahms Where bad news Tastes better Thank you very much everybody That's gonna be my time I'm assuming

We're pretty close One more time for Jordan Black Everybody How long you been doing stand up? Six years Six years All here in Texas Yep Born and bred in Texas all here in Texas? Yep.

Born and bred in Texas? Yep, did in Texas. Hell yeah. I love it. How's everything going for you? Pretty good. I recently started opening here on weekends. Yeah, that's great.

I was here like a month ago with Steve Hurst in this club. Oh, very cool. Steve Hurst, is that one of the 80s comedians? I don't know. Might as well be. I don't know who Steve is. You said you had of the 80s comedians? I don't know. I don't know. Might as well be. I don't know who Steve is. You said you had an unhealthy relationship with banana splits? Yep.

Still healthier than Nick the Jewelers. Very good, Schoelberg. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is fucking amazing. A tip of the backwards hat to you, sir. Jesus Christ.

A lot of nuts on that Sunday. Joelberg's fucking... Jesus. All right, Jordan. I'm going to be honest with you. Your set was fucking great. Thanks, man. Stellar performance.

We've had a few guys up here already tonight that look like you, and I want to do something special, so we're just going to let you go. You had a great set. Congrats on your time. Okay, for sure. Unbelievable. Anything you want to plug or promote

or anything like that, where can people find you? At JBlackComedy, everywhere that it counts. I'm on Facebook, JordanBlackComedy. There you go. There he goes.

It's Jordan Black, everybody. All right. I realized when I pulled him out of the bucket that we have not yet had a woman on stage tonight, everybody. So why don't we end this show with some with a young lady. So I'm just gonna

pull names until I come across a woman. Fabian is not a woman's name. Sorry to Fabian. How about Ginny? Is Ginny a woman. Fabian is not a woman's name. Sorry to Fabian. How about Ginny? Is Ginny a woman? Ginny?

Ginny Scribble? Scribble? Scratch? Scratch? Is that Ginny? Here she comes. There she is, everybody. Come on, your last comedian of the night. Make some noise for Jenny. Whoa, I am

not drunk enough for this. Okay, so, I have alopecia, so I don't grow hair and I wear wigs. And it's really great here in Texas, especially when it's really hot. Girl, you come home, June, it's 100 degrees outside, come inside, take that shit off, you're good. You get to try on any do that you want to try out.

Instead of paying $400 for the, you know, hairdo that, like, this looks awful, I can try it on first. Hey, yeah, no, ooh, no, it should not go that dark. Oh, it should not go that light. It's also a built-in self-defense mechanism. Girls, if they come and try to fight you, first thing they're going to do, try and pull your hair. Boom! Ooh, really sad thing is, though, girls, you know... Go ahead, finish. If you go into work and you don't have your makeup done, they're like, oh, honey, are you sick?

For me, I walk in and they're like, girl, do you have AIDS? And I'm like, you thought I was going to say cancer, didn't you? There you go. Great fucking set, Jenny. Jenny. Hell yeah, you did it.

What's your last name, Jenny? I can't read it. Just Jenny? No, that was for my Twitter is none because I don't have one. Oh, okay. So you go by Just Jenny. Yes.

A one-word name. Fuck yeah. Well, congratulations. That was an awesome set. You've been doing stand-up a little while? This is my first time. Wow. Such a great first-time set.

Man, I love that. That's incredible. Man, that'll put some hair on your chest. Oh, literally. I hope so. Wow, that's incredible. Men's are supposed to do that. I love it.

I mean, you did a real set talking about stuff that only you can talk about, true to you. That has to be so therapeutic and cool to come out first set ever and do that. And the way you did it was great. And you made a joke about it, how we thought you were going to say cancer. And yeah, and you saying AIDS, literally, Jeremiah and I both laughed and made eye contact on that part because that's actually funny.

And it worked because it is so silly that you'd think that people that have AIDS lose their hair like that. I can't take credit for that. Oh, did someone help you with that? My boyfriend. Oh, that's very cool. From now on, just take credit for the shit that your boyfriend helps you with.

Every female comedian has a strong male writer behind her. The horse of truth. Wow, all the way here in Fort Worth? Damn. The horse of truth. Wow. All the way here in Fort Worth? Damn. So, Jenny, let's talk about it real quick. Have you always had?

Is alopecia something that comes on out of nowhere? Have you always had it? I mean, alopecia is just like a generic term, but for what I have, I've had it since I was a kid. I just, genetic disorder, I don't grow hair. Really? Yeah. Huh. But you have eyebrows.

Is that real? I've taken medication to. I don't know if you know this, but that's not Joel Berg's real hair. You guys want to do the first ever Kill Tony wig trade-off? Should we go behind the curtain? You want to go behind the curtain? Wow. Uh-oh.

And by the way, there's a bandana in that hair. I'm not quite sure. He won't turn into a famous character named Jolina if he switches into that. That looks like Jolina's haircut if I've ever seen him before. 80s comedian. You ever seen, what do you call it when two people trade wigs?

What? Wigs and a blanket. It's a very hairy situation. I can't believe we have to pay to get into this show. Hell yeah. Whoa! God damn Fucking Little Orphan Annie

Look at this Wow This 80s comedian is falling in love right now Look at this Tony I don't know how to say this But after she changed I might be half gay I fucking love it Hell yeah Tony, I don't know how to say this, but after she changed, I might be half gay.

I fucking love it. Hell yeah. This is great. Hey, what's up, putos? That's right, eh? Wow. Jolina is here, ladies and gentlemen. That's right, eh?

It's a badass bitch right here. I better pay my respect, homie. Yeah? Who's jacked-itting me off tonight, eh? That's right, eh? Hell yeah. I fucking love it. Oh, wow.

That was awesome. I mean, Ginny, you fucking came up here. You brought it. You became part of the whole thing. Unbelievable interview. I mean, unbelievable times. What a great way to bring this show to a close. Truly unbelievable performance. Thank you so much for making your first time ever here in Fort Worth, Texas at Kill Tony Live.

And that is how you do the number one live podcast in the world, everybody. Kill Tony, Fort Worth. This audience is goddamn animals. This place is absolute chaos. How about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. How about one more time for our first time ever on stage, Ginny, everybody. How about one more time for our first time ever on stage? Ginny, everyone.

How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Jolbert? Wow. Brian Redband. We did it. Fort Worth, thank you so much we have to reset the room for two big crazy stand up shows

thank you guys so much for coming out we love you we'll see you again really soon Texas bye bye hey everybody I've got five original prints left from Ryan J. Ebell for the Kill Tony Texas tour. It'll be right outside in the lobby.