KILL TONY - KILL TONY #315

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

Tim J Dillon, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/10/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Go to our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony. Go to our website, DeathSquad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony. Click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we are going on the road. January 10th, we're going to be in Raleigh, North Carolina. January 26th, we're going to be in Phoenix. February 14th, we're going to be in Ireland. And February 16th, we're going to be in London. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on tour dates for all the tickets and information.

Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. And the house artist, Ryan J. Ebelt. He makes the books, the posters, the prints. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. We still have some Kill Tony shirts shirts but they're going really fast and of course Death Squad shirts, hats, mugs

go to shopsquad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony Hey this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliff. Wow. Hi, everybody. We're here.

It's Kill Tony. Brian Red Band's here. We're live at the best comedy club in the world. You guys excited for a great night tonight, or what? Wow. It's good to be back here. A lot of fun stuff happening with the show, including we are going to be announcing,

or on Wednesday, actually, they go on sale, our European Kill Tony tickets, everybody. We are going to Ireland, Dublin, Ireland, Manchester, England, and London, England. Three separate Kill Tony shows. How crazy is that? The show that you're at right now travels the globe because we're live on the internet right now. We're the number one live podcast in the world in front of a live audience on Monday nights in front of a live crowd. We even have an artist drawing the whole episode, Ryan J. Ebelts, right there.

There he is, Ryan J. He's already started drawing while you all sit there. He's going to work, and it's all happening. I'm doing a lot of stand-up comedy shows as well coming up. I'm doing a weekend in Irvine, January 4th through the 6th. London at the Soho Theater, the 18th to the 23rd. Phoenix, January 25th. And then there's Kiltonies that are actually traveling to America as well.

Rallick, North Carolina, January 10th. And then we do a weekend of stand-up after that. Phoenix, January 26th. And Philly, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania gets their own. At least one. There might be a second show added March 21st at the Great Helium Comedy Club in Philly. A club that we love very much. So we're traveling

all over. It's all happening. Those pre-sale tickets for London, Ireland and Manchester go on sale this Wednesday at 10am. Those will be available at TonyHinchcliffe.com probably DeathSquad.tv of course and check out KillTony.tv where all the archived videos are of the Kill Tony kill tony dot tv where all the archived uh

videos are of the kill tony show and also they just added all the band characters and which episodes they're on so for those of you that are diehard fans of the band you can uh have an expedited process there at kill tony dot tv see some of your favorite characters you guys ready to start this puppy pie or what let's uh you read this one? We can do that, right? You know, time's going fast. We're traveling a lot. And I'm getting older. You know, I'm 34 years old right now.

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This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Go to forhymns.com slash killtony. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash killtony. Forhymns.com slash killtony. You guys ready to start this show or what? Here we are. We are live. Every single episode of this show, I always have one

of my favorite comedians in the world on. This is a very exciting one for me because this is a guy that I just found out about recently, a couple years ago. He's an unbelievable, unbelievable New York-based comedian, and I absolutely fell in love with him. After 12 years in this game, it's hard to find a comedian in which you're like, whoa, that guy's fucking badass. But this is one of those guys in which I just fell in love with. And I'm so excited that he's here. We've been trying to get him on for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy's a fucking monster. You ready for this? Make some noise for the great and powerful Tim Dillon, everyone. Yeah, here he is. Welcome, welcome, welcome

Thank you I like coming on after an ED ad I look like the guy in the ad They're like, and now let's meet the man we've talked about For the last three minutes You are the new For Hymns mascot He loves it He doesn't even have sex

He just likes to look at it and then go right back to bed. I fucking love it. I am so glad that you're here. We are going to have so much fun. Tim Dillon hosts the amazing show Tim Dillon's Going to Hell, available on iTunes and the Gas Digital Network. Thank you. That's one person.

Our friend Luis J. Gomez was on last week. Yeah. He's my boss. Isn't that crazy? Louis Gomez is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, is my leader. If I want to say something controversial, I gotta run it by him. Oh, I wonder if he'll allow it.

I think he might. He was the first person in the show's history to almost kill a comedian with a sword last week. Yeah. The sword has just sat here for 311 episodes. Oh, 311. Is this episode 311? If it is, we need to figure that out

and play only 311 between comedians. Jesus Christ. It's 315. What type of hater in his 40s is up there right now that just hates 311? Got dumped by... Alright.

Traumatic 311 memories up there. It's number 315 so we don't have to worry about that. God damn it. We missed it. There he is. We spotted him. It's my friend Kai. How dare you Kai. There he is.

Oh my god. I'm going on the 311 cruise March 1st through 5th. Did dare you, Kai? There he is. Oh, my God. I'm going on the 311 cruise March 1st through 5th. Did you know that, Kai? There's a 311 cruise? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's my second time doing it. It's an amazing trip. This guy's clapping underneath the table. I love that 311 fans are now embarrassed in this room. People are clapping under the tables so they're not

spotted out. I fucking love 311. Where does it cruise to? It's uh... 2002? Is that where... Non-stop! I love it. I'm so fucking excited to have this show tonight. We have a band on this show. Every

single week they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're gonna be. These guys don't know what they're going to be. So we all find out together at once. They stay in character throughout the episode. They're amazing improvisers and I think it's one of the funniest things in all of comedy right now. So let's see what they are this week.

It's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Oh shit. Whoa. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh! Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. There's no doubt about it It is Professor Snape Ladies and gentlemen We've had this guy On this show before And every time he is unbelievable He left a huge legacy in Portland Oregon stole the show there he has truly magical powers this is

incredible and make some noise I know these guys top shelf brass band. Hell yeah. Wow. Wow. Am I excited about this shit? I'm already mad that I'm going to have to go back to real life in an hour and a half. That's the only problem that I have right now. This is eventually going to have to end, yet we are just getting started. Professor Snape, you've been on

this show a few times. You are an absolute legend. Probably one of the top three to five most requested characters on this show's history. How are you? Welcome back. What's going on? How did we get so lucky to have you? Hello, Tony.

I thought Russell Peters was going to be here tonight. That's next week. That's actually one week from today. Russell's going to be here. Roseanne is here. No, Hagrid is.

We have Jeremiah in full snapdom. We have Chroma Chris. Chroma's not wearing anything, is he? No, he has an application on his face. But when he laughs, he just looks like a meth head. I don't know what's going on. It's very bizarre. We have the amazing Top Shelf Brass Band,

one of my favorite things in all of the arts. They're here. They've been doing a lot of shows with Aphrodite, and they helped me out on a historical roast a few weeks ago when I was the Macho Man Randy Savage. And look who it is. We have little Joel Berg over here, what appears to be some type of the smartest guy in the migrant caravan, it appears.

You the one doing everybody's immigration papers for them? If only there was a spell for that. Well, I love it, man. This is more diversity than in all ten Harry Potter films. Yeah. Literally, there are more brown people on this stage than were ever allowed near Harry Potter. It is true.

It's crazy. If the Academy sees this. This is like the East LA version of Harry Potter. Yeah. I love it. So diverse, these guys might end up hosting the Oscars by the end of the night. So believe it or not,

this show hasn't even really started yet. I have a bucket full of comedians' names. This is our famous Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny that got a little remodel up in Swansea, Massachusetts. And it's filled with comedians' names. I pull your name out of the bucket. You get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time. And then we interview you afterwards. We talk with you, find out more about you, what makes you special.

You know your 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here we go. You guys ready to start this thing or what? We are live. Guys, I know it's a Monday. I know it's only 8 p.m., but I need more energy. You guys ready to start this fucking show?

And here we go. Hey, your first comedian getting 60 seconds tonight. We know this guy. He's been coming on this show for years. He has a good time. Yeah, he has a cool career going on and everything. You know him. You love him. He's a legend here. Former heroin addict. Now back again. Make some noise for

Dan Nolan, everyone. Here he comes. Dan Nolan. Here he comes. I did do heroin. Actually, I only really did it on special occasions. I just had a crippling addiction to special occasions. I used to drink a lot, too. I used to drink till I blacked out. The worst part about blacking out is that people still want to hold you accountable for your actions. What the fuck is that?

hold you accountable for your actions? What the fuck is that? They say stuff to you like, oh, drunk actions are just sober thoughts. I'm like, yeah, I must have always been secretly fantasizing about shitting my pants during a fist fight. I've shit my pants during two fist fights. And I only lost one of them.

I feel like I should have won both, just on the technicality. If you're fighting someone and they shit their pants, just let them have it. They want it more than you. All right, thanks. Wow, there he is. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Dan Nolan. Man, that was incredible. Probably one of your best sets ever on the show.

Thanks. You've been doing it a lot, huh? Not that much. I've been working a lot. I had like a three-hour commute every day, so I just moved out to Santa Monica, so I don't have to do that anymore. You were traveling for three hours from Santa Monica? Oh, I lived in Hollywood,

and it was like an hour and a half every morning each way. Oh, yeah, you're adding it up there. A three-hour trip, two hour and a half. It's heroin logic. Yeah. So what are you doing for work that you're working so much? I work for Bird Scooters. Wow.

Do you need an owl? Hey. Wow. Do you need an owl? Amazing. Snape's already fucking in it to win it. What exactly do you do? Are you one of the guys that collects the scooters at the end of the night? No, those people are fucking animals. No way. No, you're not one of those animals.

What trust did they used to do? I'm surprised. i don't know that that's that would probably be a better job for me given my criminal history and everything but i work in the office i'm an operations analyst so i do like uh charts and data and stuff wow you look like the bird uh scooter sound effect so like what are you looking at what type of charts are you looking at? I'm in the rider operations team so I look at like ride histories and stuff like that. See how far people are going. See what they rate their rides.

What the common issues are. Has there been a lot of death? Because that's what I'm thinking. No, Lime had two people die. Are people getting maimed at least? Are there serious injuries? Life altering spinal things? We have a really good

safety team that handles those issues. If you do get hurt on a bird, they're super good to people that have accidents and stuff like that. Really? Well, that's super cool. Oh, shit. I just heard ten open micers' brains go cha-ching just then. Fuck yeah, dude.

I'm gonna run a bird into a telephone pole, bro. Bird is cool, but I think I'll stick with my broom. Oh, there you go. Joel Berg starting off a little icy over there. You're wearing a... You've got a Walmart shirt, but you don't work at Walmart. No, I just bought this at a flea market or something. You bought a Walmart shirt at a you don't work at Walmart. No, I just bought this at a flea market or something. You bought a Walmart shirt at a

flea market, but you don't work at Walmart. A flea market is what Dan just calls the regular market. Hey. So Dan, I'm going to be honest with you. It looks like you've gained a little bit of weight since the last time we saw you. Yeah, I went from shooting heroin

to just looking like I'm smuggling it. Wow. That is incredible. How much weight have you gained? to just looking like I'm smuggling it. Wow, that is incredible. How much weight have you gained? I'm going back down. I gained 100 pounds. What's that in kilos? I have no idea. Gained 100 pounds.

Why do you think you're gaining so much weight? What's the unhealthiest thing that you eat once a week or so? No, I was getting real bad with donuts and shit. I was spending so much time commuting all the way out to Santa Monica. You love eating donuts while you drive. The longer the drive, the more donuts that have to happen.

And you would eat a dozen donuts at a time. Six on the way there and six on the way back. What else is going on, Dan? You've been doing a lot of stand-up comedy, obviously, while working. What else? What else in life has changed since the first... You've been coming on this show for basically about five years,

right? Yeah, a bunch of shit. I don't know. I still don't have a license. Wow. You're driving illegally. Yeah. That's incredible. That's great. Can I ask you something? You don't have a license. Why don't you just take a bird? I do. It's great. Can I ask you something? You don't have a license. Why don't you just take a bird?

I do now. You ever thought about that? Getting high on your own supply? You actually need a license to operate a bird. Is that true? Yeah. Wow. How lame is that?

You can't even operate a bird. Yeah. Well, I can legally. It's just against the regulations or it's against the terms of service. And they have you in charge of their operations. I'm not in charge of shit. Oh, all right, well. Anything cool happen over there in Santa Monica that you've seen that you like,

that you prefer over your normal life in Hollywood? No, I mean, I've barely been there two weeks, but everything's just more expensive and spread out. Oh, you've only I've barely been there two weeks, but everything's just more expensive and spread out. Oh, you've only been working for Bird for two weeks? No, I've been working

for Bird for like six months, but I was living in Hollywood the whole time. Huh. All right. Yeah, I'm boring

after the... It's just a lot. I've got to be honest with you. I think to get some good stories, you might want to go back to heroin.

Yeah, I think so. You might need heroin. Some people need heroin. That's the thing. Yeah. I know friends who've quit heroin and it, I think so. You might need heroin. Some people need heroin. That's the thing. Yeah. I know friends who've quit heroin, and it's kind of like this. They're like, I bought a Walmart shirt. I work for a scooter company.

It's like, hey, buddy. I'm kidding, but seriously, oxys, halfway. You know what I mean? A couple of Percocet. It's a long drive. I love it. Dan, you had a great set. Everything was great.

Anything else from the guys? Everybody good? There he goes. Dan Nolan, everybody. He's on Twitter at DanNolanComedy. He did it. God, do I love it when the top shelf brass band is here. You guys sound fucking amazing.

It's like built for this room. You guys having fun out there? You get the show? Dan's one of the vets on this show. He's been doing it for years. We might meet somebody for their first time tonight. Anything can happen. Oh, we've seen this guy before a few times as well.

Make some noise for Chris Heist, everyone. Chris Heist is back on the show. Here we go. Here he comes. Thanks, everybody. So, yeah. You guys ever hear the conspiracy theory about the people that secretly run the world?

The Protestants? Fucking Presbyterians, Episcopalians. I mean, the Baptists don't run shit, but, you know, wasps. Wasps run the world. People don't like to accept reality sometimes. But there's an interesting parallel, too, in the natural world, too. I don't know if people know this. You know, scientists, entomologists, they studied the actual insects,

wasps. And these scientists found that while the worker wasps, the worker drones are building the combs, the queen sends out a chemical signal that says that the Jewish insects are the ones really running shit. And that deflects attention away from the corrupt practices of the queen

and the rest of the wasps at the top of the nest. Thanks, everybody. I'm Chris Heist. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Chris, surprisingly, is not a recovering heroin addict. Definitely not. No. Yes, Professor Snape.

But he was recently released from the prison of Azkaban. Wow. Chris, you've been on this show a few times now. It's always been fun. And here you are yet again. I didn't understand really anything that you said throughout the thing. I will say this. I didn't find it incredibly funny, but if you had a live stream on YouTube,

I would watch it for hours. I would never turn it off. Do you ever think about that? Do you ever do any of your own shows or anything like that? No, no. I don't have a podcast. People have been telling me for years to make a podcast. Yeah. You got to do it. I should a podcast. You've got to do it.

I should probably do it. You've got to do it, man. You can get all the equipment in the tent. It's so easy now to start your own media network. Heck yeah. Fuck yeah. Chris, so remind us, you're what, a substitute teacher?

Not right now. I'm working at a survey call center I plan to eventually do that I'm fucking, yeah But yeah, yeah, yeah, minimalist, all that shit Minimalist, this is what he wears every day You would be the coolest You were a substitute teacher? I used to be in Florida, yeah, yeah

Of course, they don't care Florida's like, anyone teach, come on in Hey, Jerry Sandusky Come help the kids Of course. They don't care. Of course. Florida's like, anyone teach. Come on in. Oh, yeah. Hey, Jerry Sandusky, come help the kids. In Florida, Chris Heist is actually the dean of admissions. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

What age were the kids? I did middle school and high school substituting, but then for the past three years, I was a college calculus tutor. All right. Yes, hot for teacher. That's what they were. You would not be welcome to teach at Hogwarts. Hell yeah.

I don't know. It looks like he could substitute teach for the Slytherin or something like that. No, that is my house in Basu. Oh yeah, that's right. That's right. I don't know shit about Harry Potter. I always forget. Me neither.

Chris, so how's living in L.A. doing? It's all right. And to find living. Right, exactly. How long have you been here now? About five months. Five months. Yeah, yeah.

And we were talking last time, the whole makeover thing. Yeah, I wanted to give you a makeover, and you wouldn't agree to it on stage at all. Where are we at on negotiations for that? To give you one of those like Maury Povich-like makeovers. No, yeah, I don't want to do it. They don't really do that on Maury Povich. That was more like a Ricky Lake thing or something like that. What about extreme home makeover where we give you a house?

Right, right, right. Blah, blah, blah. How about that? Or at least a shed. Like a shed. Like a nice, warm, right. Blah, blah, blah. How about that? Or at least a shed. Like a shed. Like a nice, warm, insulated. Do you have any pets? No, no, no.

No? Jesus. Really? Are you sure? No, I mean, I'm sort of allergic to cats now. Are you sure there's not a wolf living in your laundromat? I know, right? Laundromat.

Who has their own laundromat? What am I thinking? No, yeah, but we were talking about the makeover thing. I don't know if, you know. What do you think? Yeah. Would you be down for that? No, talking about the makeover thing. What do you think? Would you be down for that? No, I'm not down for it. I think our culture is too

uniform, obsessed with uniformity already. Everything's too ordinary. Everybody's obsessed with... I agree 100%. I never said we were going to make you ordinary. My envision for a makeover for you would just be like, it'd be one of those like we found this homeless man

and we changed his life makeovers. You know what I mean? Yeah, the Fab Five or whatever they're called. You look like, I wonder if you are Jesus. I'm definitely not. Would Jesus be here doing Jew conspiracy jokes? Yeah. Probably.

Let's be honest. Probably. I don't know. I would go to church. The joke technically was against. I know. It was trying to tear down centuries of anti-Semitic propaganda. I understand, but it's a lot of people are going to like that joke for the broad strokes.

You know? That's the issue. They're not going to really get it. strokes, you know? That's the issue. Professor Snape. They're not going to really get it. Why does he and Joel look like two different eras of John Lennon? That's a good question.

Imagine that. Then we get naked. Joel back in the Beatles days and Chris in John Lennon's modern form right now. The Beatles and the Roaches. Hell yeah, hell yeah. But yeah, I was just thinking

that like, you know, like, whatever. It's everybody else, like, the problem isn't me looking weird. The problem is everybody else not looking weird enough. Like, you know, so if there's gonna be a makeover, it should be everybody else fucking... You sound like Christopher Walken. Do you know that? Do you know that it's so if there's going to be a makeover, it should be everybody else.

You sound like Christopher Walken. Do you know that? Do you know that you talk like Christopher Walken accidentally? Has anyone ever told you that before? No, but, you know, fucking A. There we go. I mean, I just noticed now. You've been on the show three and a half times, but I just noticed right now you sound. I've been talking a lot today, so maybe like.

Yeah. You just slipped into a perfect Christopher Walken. Well, fuck yeah. I think this was your plan all along. Have you ever... And a brilliant plan it was. Snape? Have you ever stabbed someone in the face

with a soldering iron before? No. Not that I recall. Please say that line for the audience What is it again? Oh, is this from what movie? Fuck Never mind

I know, fucking I'm not an actor That moment has passed You have been abolished from my memory forever Yes Fuck yeah Man Chris clearly took improv courses over at

Definitely not I am not a fan of the improv Wow I love stand up I mean you know I gotcha I gotcha Jesus I would love if after the show

We just saw you get in a Mercedes and leave No You're like those fucking suckers That's what No people think People either think I'm homeless or a millionaire Right So it's like yeah But think I'm homeless or a millionaire. Right.

So it's like, yeah, yeah. Who thinks you're a millionaire? Let me ask you that question. The homeless. No, because apparently. Yeah, there you go. Joelberg. Yeah.

All right. Chris, fun times. We're going to keep this whole thing moving along. There he goes. Chris Heist everybody you can download my albums for free my stand up albums for free at chrisheist.com chrisheist.com there he goes H-E-I-S-T

onward and upward he's got a free stand up comedy album God bless him hell yeah indeed he can bless himself I do believe Right it's true Alright pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for Evan Leslie everyone

Here we go Evan Leslie We know Evan Evan Leslie here he comes I love it Hey I love it. Hey. Hey. One more time for Evan Leslie, everyone. I was in this acting class with a former beauty pageant queen, and she kept talking about her nose job.

Like nobody asked her. She just said it, you know? She's like, yeah, I about her nose job. Like nobody asked her, she just said it, you know? She's like, yeah, I had a nose job, but it's because I broke my nose in a snowboarding accident. Ah, that's interesting. How'd you break your tits? Was it a motorboating accident? Was it a motorboating accident? I want to adopt a dog.

Trying to decide what kind. I think I'm going to go with one of those drug-sniffing dogs. Like what, only cops get those? It's not fair. I could use one you know Help me find lost weed At the beach Also uh Help me find new people to hang out with

Uh excuse me sir There you go Evan Leslie Hell yeah Normally you'd be the most creepy guy We've had on the show so far tonight But not this episode Professor Snape

I would like to make My official invitation To you into house Hell yeah Fuck yeah Absolutely That's a dope one Wow Evan Leslie to house hell yeah fuck yeah absolutely that's a dope one hell yeah

wow Evan Leslie you look like you look like the toughest bird scooter rider we've ever had

on this show does Tom Cruise does Tom Cruise know you right in his closet I feel like you're definitely Justice Kavanaugh's

favorite comedian. Wow. Evan, you've been on this show before, right? Yes, a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. What did we talk about there? I have a black bisexual girlfriend. Oh, that's right.

Yes. I like that. Get right out in front of the identity politics right away. Another reason you were invited into this. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm putting out like an indie special in like a week or so. Uh-huh.

Very cool. Those are the main things. Yeah, absolutely. How's your black bisexual girlfriend doing? Still good. Still black. Still bisexual. There you go.

That could be the name of your indie special. Still black. Still bisexual. Still Bisexual. There you go. That could be the name of your indie special. Still Black, Still Bisexual, Still Good. Evan Leslie, live from the Ha Ha Cafe. I don't know where you're filming it. I improvised that part. That's probably a bigger venue than I filmed it in, honestly. Oh, wow. Where are you filming yours?

His lawyer's office. honestly. Oh, wow. Where are you filming yours? His lawyer's office. It's a small, discreet venue that his parents have paid good money for. I didn't mind it. This place is called Skip Town Playhouse.

Oh, Jesus. God. He's evil laughing. Skip Town Playhouse. Yeah, it's like, it kind of reminded me of like a little West Side Theater in New York or something, so.

It's like easy to control the sound in there. Right. How long is the special? That's half an hour. Okay. It's like more of a mixtape. Yeah. Right. Well, there you go. What are you going to wear? Are you going to wear that jacket for it? Oh, I already did it. No, I didn't wear this jacket. I wore a shirt with

French Bulldog faces on it. Oh, no. Did you? Do it again. Do it again. I would like to rescind my offer to buy you from House Sherman. Yeah, that's some Hufflepuff shit for sure. Did you have no one in your life that told you not to do that?

No, it's a cool shirt. It looks cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We actually have audio of the dogs from that shirt after finding out that you wore it during the special. So, Evan, tell us what else has been going on

in life. How are you going to... What else is going on? Tell us a fun fact about you. You look like you collect stamps or something. I was in special ed. Really? Yeah. No!

Yes. From, like, second grade through high school. I like you, like, from second grade through all the other grades. Yeah, pretty much all of them. Second grade through high school. My God. That's literally everything. All the grades.

And then I dropped out of college, so, yeah. Wow. What is that like? What, special ed? Well, yes. I mean, they would just randomly in certain classes, in elementary school anyway, they'd take me out in the middle of that class and then bring me to

another class to read weird-ass stories and then take quizzes on them. Did they tell everyone why? Did they come in and were they like, Evan is retarded and he has to leave right now. You can beat him up when he gets back. Yeah, dude. But he has to pretend to read right now and then eat paint in the other room.

Because he's stupid, unlike you guys. He's dumb. It may as well have been that play. People were like, what the fuck? Yeah, it sounds crazy. You're in the fuck It sounds crazy you're in the middle of class You're in the middle of eating crayons The other students are like we know he's retarded Look at his bulldog t-shirt he's wearing

What happened in first grade That made you get pulled out I'm like dyslexic And I have like just reading And things in rows and shit are a problem Really is that true Read this. Read this right here.

Yeah. Read what's right next to that T. Get them. Read it loud and clear. Order now. Our listeners get a trial month of hymns for just $5 today. Right now while supplies last. See website for details.

This could cost hundreds if you went to a doctor or a pharmacy. Thank you. That's good. Boom. Hey, dude. Guess what? Guess what? You might be retarded, but here you're a genius.

Those classes worked. Taking you out of class to molest you was a smart move. What's it like graduating from a retarded high school? Instead of a diploma, what do they give you, an ice cream cone or something like that? It's just applesauce. I got a lot of E's. That's just a grade they give you to pass. They give you E's?

Yeah, they're just like, yeah, you pass. Did your parents throw you a graduation party or did they just avert their eyes? When you walked in Because they're ashamed That's why it's funny No, no, it was good Okay, sorry You're trying to Were your parents around

During your childhood? Were they still together? Yeah, no They actually got divorced When I was like 20 No, like yeah, like 20 Wow They gave it all they could

And they were like He's still retarded Get out of my face It's your cum. What did you even... What did you try to... What did you try to study in college? What did you drop out of?

Fucking theater. Theater? Yeah. Wow. In Virginia. So I was like, yeah, this is a terrible idea. That's the place. Fuck this.

Just Jesus place. Taking theater in Virginia is actually one more way to find out you're retarded. Yeah. That's the final test. What did your parents do for a living? My mom, she, like, she works at a preschool, like, teaching them how to, like, set up the preschool and, like, bring in new philosophy and stuff from, like, education. Wait a minute. Preschool and, like, bring in new philosophy and stuff from, like,

Wait a minute. Your mother instructs a preschool to bring in new philosophy of education. Yeah, for, like, early childhood education shit. And her son can't even make it through a class without being yanked out. How humiliate. You're lucky she didn't drown you in a bathtub. She's woman of the year. No, she's dope, yeah.

I love that your mom knows about preschools and her son learned at a preschool level his entire life. What about your dad? He stayed home and cooked and cleaned and shit. What a bitch. Oh, my God. Anyway. He was taking a ride.

He cooked and cleaned. Wow, I see where you get the retard side. Anyway. He was taking a ride. He cooked and cleaned. Wow. I see where you get the retard side of it. Me cook, me clean. All right. Sorry to all the retarded listeners, by the way. Yes, really. Only on Kill Tony can we use the R word this loosely.

Sorry. It's for you, the comedy fans, the First Amendment fans. That's why we're basically never going to have a Netflix deal. It's for you, you assholes. It's inspiring. He used to be in special ed. Now he's one of the guardians of the galaxy. All right. Well, Evan, it was fun to have

you on again. Thanks for always being a great interview. Fun set. Evan Leslie, everybody. He's on Twitter at Evan Leslie Jones, believe it or not. He's out there. That's available. We're having fun. We're playing with fire. You guys having fun out there?

We've had a lot of people who we've had on this show before. This looks like it could be a new name. Make some noise for your next comedian. Devontae Green, everyone. Here we go. Devontae. Here he comes. Oh, how you doing? I miss the South, man. I miss the South. I'm a son of the South. Because out here in LA, it's weird. There's no Confederate signs. I don't know where not to break down out here. I gotta look for Subarus. I know when I see Subarus not to break down.

I had to stop doing drugs. They got too crazy. Xanax was a really fun drug for a while but I had to stop. Kept Cosby-ing myself. I'd wake up in the mirror the next morning with my finger in my ass, and I'd go, I'll never let you do what you did to me again. It's true. Black privilege. There's a secret about being black we won't tell you about.

All right? Nobody wants to sit next to us on public transportation. You know, anybody who sits next to you on public transportation, pull out Malcolm X autobiography. I call that by any means necessary. This seat will be free. I tell you what, man. I'm a twin, and he's better than me in every way.

He looks better than me. He serves in the military. And he fucks better than me. How do you... Wait, I have a question. How do you know he fucks better than you? Well, I'm from the South, Tony. No, I know he fucks better than me

because I haven't worn a condom since Obama was president, but he just had a baby, so, you know. You haven't worn a condom since Obama was president? Was it the beginning of Obama's eight years or the end? Listen, man, I haven't worn it. He just had a baby. He's fucking better than me, Tony. You have a twin brother?

Yeah. That's better than you? Every way. What's the best thing about you? What would you put up against? And is your twin brother Gerard Carmichael? Where's the Apollo 13? How you guys doing?

There they are. We just have to make sure I'm okay and not just being racist. If they're laughing, I know I'm good. This is Gerard. This is Gerard lives in his car, Michael. Hey! Hell yeah. This is Gerard Butler.

Gerard's Butler. Gerard's Butler. Point for Slytherin. That was Chroma Chris for the podcast listeners. Woo! There you go. Gerard's butler. No, I know he's better than me because he went off, you know what I mean?

He did the South thing. You join the military. You get you a starter wife and a Dodge Char off, you know what I mean? He did the South thing. You join the military. You get you a starter wife and a Dodge Charger. You know what I mean? Wow. All right. That killed the momentum of the Gerard thing. Did he really get a Dodge Charger?

That's what you do when you join the military. It's not to serve your country. It's to get a Dodge Charger, man. I like your style. You remind me of a young Bill Cosby. You really do. I thought it was funny. And just to go on the record, I'm a Bill Cosby truther.

I believe I need to hear more. Not from you, from women. But I thought it was funny. I thought it had the beginnings of very, very funny stuff. Yeah, you're very funny, very wholesome. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up in L.A.?

I've been here since February. How long have you been? Did you start out here? No, I started in Virginia. Oh, okay. Wow. Did you take theater when you were in Virginia? Did you know Evan?

No, that's how you get hate-crimed in Virginia. Yeah. Is that where you were born and raised, Virginia? Yeah. All right. And how long have you were born and raised, Virginia? Yeah. All right. And how long have you been doing stand-up overall? It'll be five years in February. Wow.

Good for you. What do you do for a day job? Oh, man, I wait tables. Oh, kind of wait tables. So you really are Gerard's butler. Yeah. I thought he was going to say he was Jimmy J.J. Dog Walker. Wow, Jesus.

This set was dynam Jesus. Jesus Christ. Iceberg back there. Is it a good restaurant? No, hell no, it's not. Whoa, what is it? How bad is it? It's so bad I'm pretty sure somebody gets food poisoning every day.

Whoa. You gotta take your risk, man. You know what? I don't care. Not my business. What kind of food is it? Oh, just like American fat. Just fatty.

Just boulevard food. People are getting sick every day. Are you putting stuff in the food? You really are like a young Bill Cosby. All right. Wow. How long have you been waiting tables there? Since February?

Yeah, since February. All the answers so far have been since February. It is pissing me off, man. It's pissing me off. Yeah, what's your living situation? Me? I live with four gorillas in the valley. Four gorillas?

Yeah, it's me and four gorillas in the valley. Oh, my goodness. You're a lot of fun. I want to ask a question. I don't want to seem racist. You don't want to ask that question, Dylan. It's so hard. It's so hard.

Don't go there. I'm like, what can I say? I'm saving you, Dylan. Don't go there. What is a hard. I'm like, what can I say? What is a gorilla? I'm like, I don't even know. I know. I don't know. All right. You're doing great. Love you. Devontae's getting really excited right now. I support you.

I'm so scared. Bring a white person up so we can shit on him. Wow, I guess... Get Evan back up. I support you and your brothers in the military. Wow, I guess... Bring somebody... I'm just trying to protect you. Get Evan back up. Devante is... I support you and your brothers in the military. What can I say? I'm glad he's putting guns

in the heads of Afghan toddlers. Other brown people, you know what I'm saying? For his Dodge Charger. Trickle-down progress. And I'm glad you're coming in the food of Yum Yum Donuts or wherever you're serving this horse shit. And, you know, you're living the dream.

This is what people move to L.A. to do. Devontae, what's it like living with four, as you call them, gorillas? Yes, as you've called them. You found out you're a nasty son of a... Like, I sleep in the living room and I just jerk off in the living room. I don't care. There's no door there. It's supposed to stop me. Wow. Jesus Christ. Ch's supposed to stop me. Wow.

Jesus Christ. Chasing the dream, baby. I don't even know what to say about that. I still don't know what is really happening. Yeah, me neither. In that house. When you say four gorillas, what do you mean? Black people, Tony. Wow. You know that, Tony.

Settle down. There's chaos happening right now. Bacon soda. I got bacon soda. The Apollo. All right. Okay. All right.

Well, you want to plug your restaurant? My goodness. Wow. Devante, are you maybe, you think that maybe there's a little bit of racism in your blood because you're from Virginia? Oh, hell yeah. Really? Oh, yeah.

What's your, okay, what's your favorite thing? What's your least favorite thing about black people? I'll tell you. I'll tell you. You know, listen. Oh, God. And it's really something black women have been doing. Oh, my God.

He just took the mic out of the mic today. There you go. Listen, I'm going to tell you, man. Holy shit. Black, you know, progression has happened. Black women have been doing this brunch thing they've gotten from white women. I can't fucking stand it. It's this new thing.

You've got to go to brunch on Sundays with black people now to wash the hoe off on Saturday. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. He's like one second from just the Make America Great Again hat going on. He's like, and another thing I don't like, when they vote. Listen, I hate when they vote. That is fine.

Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Wow. It is guerrilla warfare in here Oh wow thank you I got a fist bump from Stephen A. Smith on that Oh shit There you go

Thank you I've been blessed by Professor Snape Only this show Does everyone give you props when you call black people gorillas. Okay. Even they love it. It's insane. All right. All right. All right, Devante.

It was so nice to meet you. I love your performance and style up there. You take the jokes well. Great, honest, fun interview. There he is, Devante Green. There he is. Devante Green. There he is. Boom. Goddamn, am I having fun tonight.

I knew it. I knew it when I saw fucking Snake in the Bank. He's just going back to make an All Lives Matter sign and hang it on the on the parkway. You know. Oh my God. Okay, this looks like a fun name.

I don't know what this person's going to be like at all. Make some noise for Rogan Kim. Rogan Kim. Rogan Kim. Here we go. Hey guys, how you doing? Hello, I'm Rojan. It's an unusual name that my parents made up

because they were immigrants. They wanted to come up with a name that sounded both Korean and American, and they succeeded in neither. That's what happened there. So a little bit about myself, I've had the same hairlines since I was a baby A lot of people think I'm balding

But I've actually retained the youthful scalp of an infant, guys I know I could do something about it Like go to 4hims.com or something But you know, I'm more concerned about keeping these jokes than I am my hair at this point. That's where I'm at. I've been told that I have the confidence of somebody who has no idea he's Asian.

I think it's because I'm looking this way, guys. You know what I mean? Like, I forget what I look like all the time. Like, for you guys, it's easy. You're looking this way. But for me, I got to put the pieces together throughout the day. All right, guys, thanks. Roach and Kim.

Hell yeah. Fuck yes. Very funny, man. Thank you. That was great. I love that you're running around with, you know, talking about being Asian, not acknowledging the fact that you're dressed like every delivery driver ever.

It's true. I mean, you're literally in the layered uniform. Yeah, I'm in between shifts. You look like your best friends with the Ninja Turtles. What type of Asian are you? Korean. Korean. All the way?

South? North? Split. Korean. All the way? South? North? Split. Really? Yeah. Split? Damn. Wow.

That's powerful. That's pretty cool. Was your parents making you like when Trump met the North Korean leader? Like they just have to meet in the middle and like fuck real quick and then... All right. Well, anyway. So, Rojin, this is your first time on the show. Yeah.

Hell yeah, I'd remember you if I saw you before. You seem like a special guy. How old are you? 40. I was just about to say, I cannot tell if you are 22 or 65. That's what's amazing about Koreans. God bless you

Black don't crack and yellow stays mellow Yeah Hell yeah You do look great for a For a 40 year old Man the crowd loved that one So it's a Pro racism crowd tonight

If I've ever seen it And I'm all about that Point for Gryffindor! So, Rojan, how long have you been doing stand-up? You're 40? It'll be eight years in January. Wow. Eight years. All here in Los Angeles?

No, I started out in New York. How long did you do it in New York? About six years. Wow. Is that where you're from? No, I'm actually from here, but then I moved over there. Why? I hated it here growing up. Why? I don't know. I just, I don't know.

Because people that look like Tony tortured him every day. That's part of the reason. I think I just really wanted to live in a city. It wasn't until I moved to a city where I felt like I liked it there culturally. Like, it wasn't until I moved to a city where I felt like, oh, this is, you know, I like to get there culturally. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good. Yeah. I'm with that guy. I love that guy. All right. Wow. I didn't realize that Biggie Smalls was here tonight. New York indeed.

All right. So. Why did you leave New York? At that time. Well, two reasons. One is my girlfriend always wanted to live in L.A. Okay. And I think New York.

How old is your girlfriend? 16. It's like my girlfriend got accepted. I do feel like she's a different person. She's either 16 or 82. Yeah. Does she giggle a lot like, you know, they do? No, she's not like, no, she's not like one of them.

How old is your girlfriend? 36. 36. What does she do? She's a writer. How long have you been with her? 11 years. Wow.

What has she written? Other than a lot of apologies for running into other people's cars. Oh, no. Oh, so sorry. So sorry. I, so sorry. I was trying to... Sorry, I was trying to park the car.

It's all the same. It wasn't until I got a nice car in which I really realized how bad Asians are at driving. And I know that it's hacky for a comedian to say Asians are bad drivers.

It's hacky because so many people have talked about it in the past and that should tell you something. No, it's 100% true. My girlfriend's been in four car accidents in two years. Yeah, that's incredible. Those are bad numbers.

Those are like fucking Kaepernick bad numbers. He's a bad football player. One of those accidents was being in a relationship with Brian. Brian. One of those accidents was being in a relationship with Brian.

I think Brian got mad at that. He did like this fake laugh. You offended Brian. I don't think you're magic wand. Oh, poo-poo pee-pee. Sorry. Pussy lip dick fuck. Rojan, tell us some interesting fun facts about you. You look like you have some special hobbies or skills or talents or something like that.

You're really good at Sudoku or something. No. I used to grow weed in my apartment in New York. Really? Like a moron. We need better than that. You need better than that? All right.

We need like you run a site on the dark web where you sell livers. Okay. Or you give foot jobs for rumming. I met my birth mom for the first time at Port Authority. Wow. Wow. That was, yeah.

That is terrible. Yeah, it was awful. How old were you when that happened? I was 28. Wow. How'd you meet her? Was she just kind of asking for money? Yeah. She was trying to hit me. My aunt just found her. It was just a random thing. She found her and contacted her and then she

agreed to meet me because I was living in New York and she was living in uh new york and she was living in like silver springs or some shit so you just picked a place that smelled like no she she picked the place yeah um which i don't know i thought it was like kind of convenient at first right it's like because it's a major transportation hub but then i realized it was just so she could make like a quick exit yeah She was super convenient. Wow. Well, this is sad now. What was the deal with your mom?

Why didn't she want you in her life? I think it was because... You guys are really taking that one the wrong way. Oh, come on, guys. It's fine. I'm fine. Guys, he's fine. I'm fine, everybody.

He's fine. She was jealous of Indiana Jones. Alright. He took you under his wing at a young age. Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones. Okay, Joel Berg, what's next?

A photo presentation? To try to get it to work? Professor Snape. That joke should have been kept in the chamber of secrets. Very nice. Wow. Serojan, you just met your mom.

Why was she not in your life? I think it was because I was a shitty baby. You were a shitty baby? Yeah, that's how I've thought about it for a while. As most babies are. was a shitty baby. You were a shitty baby? Yeah, that's like, I've thought about it for a while. As most babies are. Yeah, right. Why were you... No, no,

I asked her about it. I asked her about it. I was like, what happened between you guys? Because my dad just like never talked about it at all. She's like,

you kept crying, pooping your diapers, asking for my milk, and I wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle. Okie dokie. So answer the question, Rojan, that you were just about to answer.

Yeah, she was basically like, just wasn't working out with me and her dad. Oh, the thing I didn't mention was that she brought her mom to the meeting, which is also kind of at first. I love that you're having a heart-to-heart with your family while people are getting jerked off at the Port Authority terminal.

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying. For $3. Yeah. So she brought her mom to the meeting, and then her mom, my grandma, started just being like, it was my fault. She started taking the hit for the whole thing. Yeah.

So it was really not clear to me what really happened. Do you think there's any chance they just weren't your mom? They were just other Korean people that. Yeah, that they were actors. They were not at all your family. They were just confused. Oh, just like randoms. Yeah, you were just like, you gave me up.

They're like, all right, sorry. That's just part of Korean culture. Yeah. You just, if anybody comes up and says they're your kid, you just like, okay. Do you still talk to them? No, no, we stopped. What are you going to say?

Yeah, she just did not want to be part of my life. That's fucked up. Yeah, what are you going to him? No, no, we stopped. What are you going to say? Yeah, she just did not want to be part of my life. That's fucked up. Yeah, what are you going to do? Well, she's here tonight. Yeah! Let's bring her out, everybody! She's going to do a minute.

It's Mrs. Kim, everyone. Mrs. Kim. Where's she at? Oh, she's still not. She still doesn't want to be part of your life alright we had fun with you

there goes Rojan Kim everyone Rojan Kim god damn do I love the top shelf brass band the Joe Rojan experience there you go anything but trying that Indiana Jones love the Top Shelf Brass Band. The Joe Rogan experience. There you go.

Anything but trying that Indiana Jones joke again. Okie dokie, Dr. Jones. Okay, this looks like definitely a new name. Make some noise for Johansi Collins. Johansi Collins. Here we go. The back corner. From far, far in the corner.

Yo, hun. Oh. Ladies, stop gossiping with your man, ladies. Because some of that stuff you gossiping to him, he was never supposed to know. Fellas, your ladies ever be gossiping to you about her little nasty trifling homegirl? Failing to realize what she think nasty and ho-ish,

your ass think fucking amazing. Y'all in the car driving, she running her mouth, you know my homegirl Kim I work with? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you brought her around a couple times. Yeah. She's such a hoe.

I don't even talk to her no more. For real? Hell no. Like, what she be doing? All she talk about is sucking dick. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Like, what'd she be doing? All she talk about is sucking dick. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Like, ew. For real?

Hell no. Just be sucking dick. That's my time. Appreciate it. Boom. Yo. How do I say that name? Johans? Johans. Johansay. That was great. Appreciate that, brother. Appreciate it. Boom. How do I say that name? Johans? Johans. Johans.

That was great. Appreciate that, brother. Fucking great. Appreciate that. Heck yeah. This was your first time on the show, right? Yes, it was. Hell yeah. You been signing up for a while? Nah, this is my first time. Beautiful. Very lucky. Hell yeah. Appreciate that. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Where at?

Atlanta, Georgia. Wow. How long have you been in Los Angelesup comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Where at? Atlanta, Georgia. Wow. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've just been out here for a couple weeks. Oh, okay. Very fun. What are you doing in town? Stand-up NBC.

Oh, very cool. Awesome. The Diversity Show? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Brian. Okay.

God, somehow that's more racist than all the gorilla talk from earlier. I don't know why. Red band. Yeah, I do this time. So how do you make a living? How do you survive? You just do stand-up? I just do stand-up, do college circuit.

Oh, very cool. How long have you been doing that for? Since 2014. Awesome. Can you do How long have you been doing that for? Since 2014. Awesome. Can you do the suck dick stuff on the college thing? Some schools, not the, you know, cats. Yes, they are black colleges. So you do the road a lot.

Yep. And you have a girlfriend? Nope. What's it like for you out on the road? You get a lot of audience pussies. A lot of that duck pussy. Are you fucking birds?

Do you get a lot of strange? I just get my weed and go to the hotel after the show. Really? That's your whole after thing? That's the whole, yeah. Introvert. Man, that Wi-Fi is fun, isn't it? It's such a thing. Why is jerking off in a hotel

such a thing? What is that? Because you don't have to clean it up. Just throw it wherever you want to go. Oh, God, Red Band. Why did I turn to you? Man. Anything crazy ever happen to you out on the road? You have, you know, favorite places or least favorite places? Any fun? Anything crazy?

I like going to Memphis. I like performing in Memphis. I do a lot of the Southeast region. What's the best school you ever performed at? Fayetteville, North Carolina. We got North Carolina here? Hell yeah. Oh, and Fort Valley in Georgia. Oh, wow. You ever perform

at the retarded college in Virginia? Yeah. Yeah. No, not yet. Not yet. Yeah. Shout out to Virginia State, though. I've been there.

They just bring in colors for that school. So when's the last time you had a girlfriend? 2012. 2012. Yeah, it's hard to do when you're traveling full time, the college circuit. Bitches be crazy. Bitches be crazy. Bitches be crazy. Bitches be tripping.

Wow. Do you think you'll get sick of it? Do you think you feel like you get to a point if you're 60 and you're talking to college kids, will that get weird? Yeah, I thought about it. Yeah. What's your favorite thing about L.A.? What do you find yourself... The women look good out here.

Yeah. Yeah, very sexy ladies. Oh, shit. You can't tell their age. You can't tell if they look 16, 82 out here. That's right. You should ask, though. Definitely ask.

You can't tell if you ask. Definitely ask. You can't tell until they tell you what their name is. Yeah. Like, what's your name is? Ethel? Ethel? Yeah.

I ain't know they? Ethel Ethel. Yeah. I know they make I know they make Ethel's no more. They still make Ethel's. It's my grandma's name. Oh, my bad. Really? She's 100 years old. Yeah. Shout out to my 100 year old grandma.

Oh, yeah. Shout out to her. She'll probably be dead soon. She's from Oldstown, Ohio. Hey. So tell us something else interesting about you. What else? Do you have any other fun hobbies?

Anything you like to do for fun that you're into other than stand-up comedy? Anything to pass the time? Do you have any tweets you would like to apologize for? I hope not, man. Good question. I hope not. God damn. Professor Snape.

I would like to. I deleted my Twitter account. Smart, smart. Snape? I would like to offer you a Quidditch scholarship at Hogwarts. I'm with it. I mean, there must be something, Johanse? Yes, sir. That, you know, do you meditate?

Yeah. You seem like a peaceful dude. What else is peaceful about you? What else do you do to relax? Listen to his sultry voice. Like I smoke a lot. You smoke a lot of weed? Yeah.

He's smoking right now. We just can't tell. That's part of my meditation. He's like, I'm vaping currently. What's your favorite way to smoke? Sativa. Blunts or joints or bongs? Blunts.

Backwoods. Backwoods. I love that. Do you travel with it sometimes? You sneak it along with you? You know you can fly in and out of it now at LAX. Did you know that? I did not know that.

Black people still cannot. He's absolutely right. If you look like Tony, you can walk on the plane with a gun. They're like, he's a good guy. He's probably just going to use it to help. I go, officer, there's not even bullets. There's just weed in it. Come on.

They're like, if he sees a terrorist, good guy with a gun. I'm actually the undercover. I'm that guy. I'm the air marshal. Right. But all right. Really funny, man. I appreciate it.

I appreciate y'all having me. One of the things that I love about this show is that some people, it's their first time. Some people have been doing it for months. And every once in a while, you'll get a 10-year calm, collected veteran in here just to lay it down for first time. Some people have been doing it for months and every once in a while you'll get a 10 year calm, collected veteran in here just to lay it down for a minute. The whole mishmash of everyone in the interviews is so fun. So thank you for signing up. Thank you for doing it.

There he goes, Yohanze Collins. Let's go back to the bucket again. Yeah, come on. Someone's got to bomb. Someone's got to do Yeah. Come on. Someone's got to bomb. Hell yeah. Someone's got to do horrible. Yeah, it really hasn't happened yet. Come on. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you want to see somebody eat it up?

Yeah. Blood. Blood. Oh, the comedians were louder than the audience on that. Well, it looks like we have a chance of that happening right now. This guy's been on this show a couple times and this might be it. I remember this guy. Make some noise for Alex

the Key Garcia. It's Alex the Key Garcia. Here we go. Alex the Key. Here he comes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Here we comes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Ha, ha, ha, ha. How we doing tonight, guys? All right. Hey, everybody knows that douchebag at work or at school that just is in the background just crumbling that paper. And everybody knows it's coming, you know? And he sees that trash can from a mile away.

And everybody's like, fuck. And poor Jacqueline doing a research paper or something important. He fades back just, fuck. And poor Jacqueline doing a research paper or something important. He fades back just, just, you know what he's about to say. He says, Kobe. And he misses the trash can. I got one rule. If you fucking miss, if you miss that trash can, you fucking walk up to the trash can, you pick up the paper. I don't want to see no fucking, you don't get the ball back, dude.

You fucking miss, bruh. Like, damn, you didn't get another shot. Alex the Key Garcia. How do you guys think he did? Did you like it? You are... Tim. You are every dude in community college that I cut class to get high with. Every single guy rolled into one. You're the drug dealer that like forgets the weed.

That's what he looks like. He's like the guy who's like, we gotta take a drive to my mom's house. You're like, fuck! Sorry fool, I left it at home. Sorry dog. Hey big dog, sorry. You do look like a mishmash of like

everybody that we've had up here tonight. Big Mac Miller. I feel like you've tried to grow weed in your apartment that you share with gorillas while... I actually did grow weed. I can't say it now. Yeah. All right. I don't have weed, but do you like salvia?

You look... Yeah. You look like you sit shiva for little peep. I like little peep. I bet you do. I do. R.I.P. Mac Miller. Big Mac Miller.

Okay. Alright, Alex. Hey, shut up, fool. That minute went quick. I wish I could finish it. Are you Mexican? Hey, shut up, fool. Hell yeah. That minute went quick. Yeah, you look like... I wish I could finish it. All right, very good. Are you Mexican?

What? I'm Puerto Rican. Oh, I'm ashamed. All right, moving on. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Why are you... Why do you seem so white if you're Puerto Rican? I'm a white Puerto Rican that doesn't speak Spanish.

If I went to jail, everyone would fuck me up. Wow. When you say fuck you up, you mean just fuck you. You're up. You look like there's a group of people. I grew up in Long Island, New York, and there's a group of kids who are Jews who think they're Italian who want to be black.

That is what you... That is exactly what you have. It's a magical group. Is your mom Puerto Rican or your dad's Puerto Rican? My dad's Puerto Rican. And your mom is what? My mom's Polish. Disappointed.

Hey, they're both disappointed. That wasn't the question. No, I bet. How old are you? That's a beautiful crowd, by the way. I'm not even kidding around. Tonight's crowd is... We know.

We saw your set. You ain't kidding. I know we have a beautiful crowd, Alex. Thank you. He's trying to cast a spell on this crowd. Tonight's crowd is live as shit, dude. I appreciate everyone out here. Did you not hear Professor Snape trying to talk right now?

Have some goddamn respect, Alex. Snape, is there anything you'd like to say to this guy? No, this little newt ruined it. Alex, how long have you been doing stand-up? A couple years. I've been up here about four times. Right, indeed. I remember.

You have a key around your neck. Your nickname is The Key. What's the story behind that? He made fun of my key because it was a bottle opener one time, and I've just been wearing it ever since. Wow. You were also wearing it that night that I made fun of it. Yeah.

What is it, the key to failure? I'm keeping on, you know? What is the key to? It still does not unlock the door. The key is to your mother's box, boy. Whoa. Listen. Whoa. Let's hear it. Wow.

Right when you thought, right when you're like, is this guy really Puerto Rican? Right. He pulls the old your mom's box. I'll shake someone with it, too, man. Yeah. Wow, Alex. You are the least threatening Puerto Rican I've ever been around in my entire life. I've said it once, and I'll say it again.

That key obviously is still... It's not to success. Shut the fuck up. Alex, have you ever been to a comedy show before? I have never... ever... ever ever in all my wonderful years

of living hated a muggle so much hell yeah all right wow alex uh you are currently one of the most hated people in the show's history. The whole storyline has changed. Is there any redeeming quality about you that you could tell us all and that we will change our mind and maybe start liking you? I've been working on a Louis Armstrong impression.

Yeah. That's just what the doctor ordered. I saw your act tonight and it blew pretty hard as well. A culturally insensitive impression of a jazz legend is just what will get you out of trouble. I think you'd be surprised. Professor Snape?

If the audience wills it, I will cast a spell on him that will cause death immediately. Sounds like the crowd wants it. I don't know what to do. He's looking at me for some reason. I asked you for a redeeming quality about

yourself. That's not shit I don't like. I asked you for a redeeming quality about yourself and you said that you do a Louis, you've been working on a new Louis Armstrong impression. I guess we have to hear it. Let's hear this impression. I've been dreaming of a wise Christmas. Yes. Just like the one I used to do

Hey, fuck you I like him now Now I like him I think he's a comic genius I was wrong I think you went to school with Evan Leslie This guy makes Evan Leslie look like Fucking, you know

The smartest person that's ever lived Wow Alex I mean Jesus Christ That was bad You know like anybody can do that with their voice Right Here's how bad it was It was so bad it was not even offensive I was That's literally how bad it was. It was so bad it was not even offensive.

That's literally how bad it was. I was worried about your health. That's how bad that was. I overlooked everything about it. Wow. Alex, I mean, jeez. I tried to give you a redeeming quality thing, but that did not work at all.

So why don't we just commit all the way now? Why don't you tell us something that'll make us hate you even more? A little fun fact. You ever, like, kick a little girl over on a bicycle or something like that? You ever... Make you just fucking hate me? Yeah, come on. Give us the thing that will make us hate you the most.

Yeah, do another minute. Okay. I got another minute. You want me to do another minute? No. Tell us something. It'll make you fucking hate me. I got another minute for you. Tell us. Answer the question. You have an answer for it?

Yeah. I can be a death metal screamer right now, dude. Dude, you do these impressions that anybody can do. Louis Armstrong, I can scream. Oh, Louis Armstrong, I'd like to see you do that. Dude, that's White Christmas. Professor Snake. Yes, anybody can do that too. You can do that too?

Yes. I'm sorry. After seeing this man perform on stage, I think to myself, Woo! What a horrible world. All right. There he goes.

Alex. All right. There you go. The most unlikable person perhaps in the show's history, Alex the Key Garcia. You want it. You want it bad and you got it. The Kill Tony Bucket of Destiny just keeps on giving.

There he goes. There he goes. Alex the Key Garcia. Our usual regular Malcolm Hatchet is in North Carolina visiting family. Unfortunately for this live audience. But in his place, why don't we bring up one of our favorite characters, perhaps the opposite of the Key Garcia, perhaps one of the most liked characters since his first time ever pulled out of the bucket on this show.

He's a current sensation. You know him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only. He's here. William Montgomery, everybody. Wow. Here he is. In the flesh.

Come on, everyone. It's William Montgomery. So I'm almost finished with a screenplay for a movie I've been working on called World War II, A Survivor's Tale, but it's spelled T-A-I-L, and it's about a family of squirrels living in a tree in the middle of Berlin during World War II. It's based off the poem by Shel Silverstein. Basically, Larry, the father of the Skrull family,

begins getting suspicious when Hitler starts rounding up all the Jews. Patricia, the mother of the Skrull family, knows something's wrong, but Hitler's got some pretty good plans for Germany, so she's on board. Basically, it's the struggle of Larry and Patricia's marriage while also witnessing the transformation of Berlin during World War II from the perspective of a squirrel family up in a tree.

Jonathan Taylor Thomas makes his theatrical return as Oscar, the older brother of the squirrel family. Critics are hailing it as a sublime combination of Five Old Ghosts West meets Schindler's List. A must-see. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Amazing. William Montgomery, you are here. God, are y'all ready for Christmas? It's my Christmas Wait, what? It was an impression of William, nobody got it Oh, wow

I actually used to do that I was the Santa Claus at Kmart two years ago Down in Phoenix, Arizona Wow Did you wear a Santa suit or were you just dressed like that? I was dressed like this Down in Phoenix, Arizona. Wow. Did you wear a Santa suit or are you just dressed like that? I was dressed like this. I love it.

Just sitting on a bench outside of the mall. The kids deserve nothing more. Hey, your name's Mikey, right? Come sit on my lap. Well, Tony, this is a plot twist. William is actually one of the gorillas that other guy lives with. Oh, wow. Albino gorilla.

I would have guessed William looks more like the zookeeper in the apartment of gorillas. William, you are dressed today in what appears to be when someone that doesn't normally dress up tries to dress up for something. It's like your illegitimate son's grade school graduation or something like that. And you're like, all right, I'll put on something good for it. And he's wearing this jacket that's half zipped up and also doesn't cover the bottom of his body.

You can see the whole 360 diameter range just above his belt lock. It's a little bit short. But he is from Tennessee and it's a Tennessee orange Vols jacket. My alma mater. I am curious now.

There are buttons on the sleeves. I think it's a lady shirt. You are so loyal. you are wearing a shirt two sizes too small for you. And yet it fits perfectly somehow. It really does. It somehow is perfect in every way. I've been swimming a bunch. I've been doing a bunch of triathlons.

I'm getting back in shape. Yeah, all right. Who the fuck said that? Wow. been swimming a bunch. I've been doing a bunch of triathlons. I'm getting back in shape. Yeah. Alright. Who the fuck said that? Wow. Who the fuck said that? I'm trying to have fun tonight. It's almost Christmas time. Who the fuck said that? Wow. William's going after the heckler

here. I'm excited about this. William, what are you going to do to that guy if you get your hands on him? Holy shit. It looks like my uncle was pretty sure there was a ghost in his house. I just picture me maybe dying in your house or something and then spooking you. I love that you're threatening him, but you're like, hey, I'll go die in your house. That is my favorite threat that I've ever heard. Fuck with me.

I will die in your house. Professor Snape. It's amazing. This is perhaps the strangest Weasley I've ever seen. William does have a big red eye, hairdo and beard for those of you that haven't seen the show before. I've actually, I'm going back home to Memphis for Christmas

and I have got to shave and get a haircut. I've never seen this show before. I'm going back home to Memphis for Christmas, and I have got to shave and get a haircut. Do you mind turning down the lights a little bit with the song? Oh. Yeah, go ahead. Your roommates think they live with an orangutan. Okay. Go ahead, William.

Go ahead. I'm just about to fly into the Memphis airport. My mother, Frances, will pick me up. She will see I haven't shaved in a while. I haven't had a haircut in a while. And she will say, hold on, William,

what's going on out there? She honestly, my mother texted me, you can do the lights up. How is that? No, my mother honestly texted me this past week. She's like, William, did you lose a tooth? Did you? Did you lose a tooth?

I did. How did she know? How did she know? She saw a picture. That's some type of, no, that's like hillbilly sixth sense. Hey, did you lose a tooth? Her tooth also fell out. She's like, Willie is without a tooth.

Somewhere my boy is in a Kmart without a tooth. God damn it, I'm getting one of those phantom toothaches. Yeah. And just me walking the aisles of the Kmart just in Santa garb. Stephanie, are you on the landline? I need to call William out on it in Los Angeles. Where's Stephanie? Stephanie, I need to use the landline.

You come from a big family out there in Tennessee. I can't imagine what they look like. True detective. Two younger brothers. Two younger brothers. Two younger brothers. Vance Montgomery has dark brown hair. He actually married a redheaded girl.

Wow. Someone was chasing the fucking... In May. I know, I know. I used to beat his ass, his punk ass in his bedroom just with a belt, with my father's belt. I would hit him on the legs real hard. And I think that's why he got with the red-headed girl. My youngest brother, Selden.

Why was that why he got with her? Actually, he has red hair. Is that the only way he could come, being hit with a belt? Well, it was the only way I got his attention. Yeah. Wow. Just hitting his legs with a belt. And you were the only kid I got his attention. Yeah. Wow. I'm with you. Just eating his legs with a... And you were the only kid in your family with red hair.

My youngest brother, Selden, has red hair as well. I remember when I'd get on Snapchat, there was a Snapchat of Selden in a Moe's Burrito in Knoxville, Tennessee, and he was in a hospital gown, and I texted my brother, Vance. I was like, oh, it looks was in a hospital gown. And I texted my brother Vance. I was like, oh, it looks like our brother is doing well. And he's like, what are you talking about?

He died last night. No. I resuscitated him. Yeah. Wow. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays, everybody, from Memphis. Let me get this right.

Your youngest brother was in a hospital gown because he died and got resuscitated and then went to Moe's Burrito in Knoxville, Tennessee. Yes. Let's give it up for Moe's. No, no, no. Let's not give it up for Moe's. Stick with me, William. William, how did your youngest brother die before getting resuscitated?

What happened to him? I cast a spell on him. Oxygen dipleticus. Was it a drug overdose, William? I cast a spell on him. Oxygen dipleticus. Was it a drug overdose, William? It was a Xanax issue. Then alcohol. Was he getting someone

back? Did he get in a fight with somebody? He's like, I'm gonna go OD in their house right now. Yeah. I'm asking. I'll show them. I love that you call it a Xanax issue. Like it's a magazine or something like that. It's a September issue.

Xanax. He had a subscription to Xanax. Is he doing good now? He is. He is a redshirt sophomore for the University of Arkansas Pine Bluff for their water polo team. That sounds like a hate group. You're like, he's doing great. He's a red shirt Charlottesville marcher at the University of Arkansas

for their torch team. He's very, very proud of him. I fucking love it, William. What else has been going on in the world? Anything else crazy happen? Today I work at a self-storage unit place, and the 10th is a pretty busy day around there because the rent is due between the 1st and the 10th.

Yeah. So it was calls all day. I'd like to think I trust people. I like to believe people when they talk to me, but at that job I've learned that people just lie to me. So I'm sort of feeling bad. And just at the end of the day, this girl comes in with a manila envelope and pulls out something. And she's like, hey, this is my father's death certificate.

I'm going to take over his unit. death certificate. I'm going to take over his unit. And I just said, your fucking father owes two months of background at this motherfucking place. Are you serious? You're going to give me a death certificate?

I have to pay my bills. I have a family. Yeah, just because your family died doesn't mean I don't have one, right lady? Yeah, it was bullshit. You're like, I thought my family was dead. They are not, so let's handle this. She's like, my dad's in a coffin.

You're like, you need to be coughing up two months of rent. Fucking bitch. Alright, well. Tony. Yes, Joel Bertal, a quick story about William. Oh, a story. No better time than right now for an elongated story. Go ahead, Bill. No, never mind.

Moving on. Goodbye, William. No, I want to hear it. I'm just kidding. Go ahead. Well, a few weeks ago, William was one of the cholos with us on stage, right? The night before, my whole life is based upon William. Coming to the show, we're all going to be cholos.

And William calls me back. He goes, I'm not going to make it. I'm hurt real bad. And I go, what? He goes, yeah, I fell in the tub. I'm hurt real bad. And I was like, no, you're fucking kidding me, right? I need you here. Like, you got to be here. He goes, yeah, I'm not going to make it. And I'm like, you're joking, right? It was like a big show and it went on way too long. And then William goes, nah, I'm just kidding. I'll be there. What do I wear? And I was like, fuck you.

But he was here. He's a professional bullshitter. I love you, William. Don't use dial soap for your bathtubs. William, how did you lose a tooth? Which tooth is it? The back one or the front one? Where's it at? No, I really have not.

I remember when I was down in Destin, Florida, probably 12 years ago. That's correct. There were these Cajun people taking beer bongs, listening to music out on the beach. Yeah. And my parents were like, William, don't go mess with them.

Some bad will happen. I end up in their... Up in their... That's a cat. William, I think we're going to try to get one more person up here. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Great.

What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? I don't know. That wasn't really good enough. I don't know. Should we do it one more time, or you guys want to go home? All right. Even the elephant is the old elephant in the room. All right. Even the elephant is

the old elephant in the room. All right. Well, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Danielle Arce, ladies and gentlemen. Danielle Arce. Arce. Back corner again. Come on. It's your final comedian of the night, Daniel Ars, everybody.

Hey. So I've done something to my hair recently. It's gone. I got rid of it. And I'm a server at a restaurant because comedy's crushing it. I work at a really fancy restaurant, and since I've buzzed my hair a month ago,

my tips have been much higher. Yeah. I'm like, either these rich people love my brave new haircut, or they think I'm in remission. Like, oh, this poor girl. She lost her hair and both her breasts. Let's give her our money. You're right, I am a feminist.

I don't hate all men, you know, just most. I don't like that it has a negative connotation to it for some people. You know, mostly to weak dudes. They're the ones who don't get this joke, you know? We don't need you. Get out of here. You're weak. I am dating one of you fellas, though, so you're welcome.

Wow, straight to the bear. I guess Brian... Oh, there was a cat? Yeah, there was a cat. I didn't hear it. Danielle Arce cat? Yeah, there was a cat. Oh, I didn't hear it. Danielle Arce. Arce. Arce.

Yeah. Hello, how are you? This is your first time on the show, right? Actually, my first time was back in 2013. Wow. One of the first shows. On Kill Tony. Yeah.

One of the first episodes of the show. Yeah. And you probably back then, you had hair, hope, respect for men. Long hair, yeah. Yeah. I had a lot of shit going on. She was in a Christian cult. It was a different time.

It was a different time. I mean, what happened to you exactly? What did you do? Open for Louis? I mean, have a lunch meeting with Harvey Weinstein? What did you do? Pay attention to the last presidential election? Like, where did it go wrong exactly for you?

Is that like that? Professor Snape. I've been a big fan of Danielle's work for a long time. Thank you. Thank you, Snape. Yes, especially when she burned that picture of the Pope. Yeah, it is true. It is true.

For those of you listening to the podcast, Danielle looks like G.I. Jane if she bombed good people, too. Oh, yeah. Good job. I thought the jokes were funny. Thank you. Yeah.

I'm also afraid of you. So you have that. You have both of those things happening right now. I'm terrified. And it was funny. And you are very compelling. It is interesting that you say that you hate men. Meanwhile, you look like Eminem with earrings on.

Hell yeah. That's the best compliment. Thank you. You like that compliment? I do. Wow. I want people to be afraid of me because I'm very vulnerable, and I could cry at any second.

But you have a cuddly jacket. It's weird. You have a nice jacket. I'm cold. Yeah. I'm very cold. Interesting. Yeah. Wow. How often do you cry? You said that you jacket. I'm cold. Yeah. I'm very cold. Interesting. Yeah.

Wow. How often do you cry? You said that you could cry. Every day. Really? Yeah. Are there certain parts of the day that set it off? What's the part?

I have anxiety and depression. Right. Yeah. So they both clash. Yeah. We all do. Yeah. I mean, everybody does, but mine's pretty bad.

Yeah? Can you just- Sometimes I'm passing a car accident and the guy in it is not dead so I just cry can you give us an example of what makes yours more horrendous like I mean because I really think it's sort of a universal thing

I don't know I just I'm very I don't know I just I'm very vulnerable I feel very vulnerable a lot Tony yeah I feel vulnerable too I mean look at me I'm sitting very vulnerable. I feel very vulnerable a lot. Yeah, yeah. Tony. Yeah, I feel vulnerable too. I mean, look at me. I'm sitting here between fucking Red Band and Tim Dillon. These guys could do anything with me.

They wanted to. Tony, it looks like the machine she's raging against is a Sibian. Hitachi. I don't know which one's better. No, you nailed it. You got it. You got it right. Maybe you should act like it.

Oh, my God. Bill Billingsley. Maybe you should fucking act like it. You know, I'm actually really excited. You're going to be on my show tomorrow night at St. Rock. Oh, that's your show? Myself and Nick Romero, we co-produced that show. I love that.

I'm really excited. That's in Hermosa Beach tomorrow night. Yeah, at St. Rock. Yeah, that's very cool. I'm excited about it. So you promote shows? Well, I help co-produce shows with Nick Romero. That's my boyfriend.

It's his company, Stray Life Entertainment. All right, all right. Keep it up. Jesus Christ. Everybody wants to just sneak plugs in on this fucking thing. They do. Hold on. Donald Trump Jr. just came back into the room.

We have a wide range of... Right there, this is your fantasy of what is horrible right there. Oh, this is garbage. That's your arch nemesis right there. What is that shirt? What's happening? Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay.

So, Danielle, give us another example of your crushing anxiety. Because, again, my theory is that everybody has it. I just think it all depends on how you acknowledge it and what you do. So give me an example. I don't know. I just always feel like I'm in trouble, and I think it just derives from childhood. Yeah, what was your childhood like? Oh, I never knew. Wait a second. Were you. Yeah, what was your childhood like? Oh, I never knew

Wait a second, were you William Montgomery's little brother at one point? Yeah. What happened in your childhood? I've died twice. No, I just never knew what kind of mood my dad was going to be in and how severe of something I did wrong was. That's what it's

like when you grow up on 8 Mile. So he would like hit you sometimes? More than sometimes. More than sometimes? Open hand? Was it like Nate Diaz or was it like

Max Holloway? What are we talking about here? Closed fist? Open hand? No, open hand, belts, you know like he's Latino. So never a closed fist?

No, not that bad. Not that bad. Not that bad. You look like every... I don't think that's the right song for this moment right now. That's not the right song. Or it is. When you look back on it, do you forgive him?

Oh, yeah. He's a good guy now. He's definitely come a long way. He's a good guy now. Yeah. You look like every graffiti artist I went to high school with. Hell yeah. What did you say?

Isn't good guy, isn't that what the doll was from Chucky? What was that? Was it a good guy? Yeah, the good guy. That's funny. Yeah, I pussed out on making the joke. Instead, I just said the premise. When you say good guy, you mean like the Chucky doll?

Anyway. That was really good. Wow. How about your mom? Did she ever give you a little taste of vitamin hand? You know what I mean? No. My mom was very submissive. Very kind of... You think

your dad ever slapped your mom around a little bit? No. No, not even in the bedroom? No, just verbal. Just verbal. Verbal slappage. Yeah.

Well, that's fair. Yeah. It's a marriage, you know? That's what it is. How long ago did you cut your hair off? About maybe a month and a half ago. A month and a half ago. And what happened to make you want to do that?

She joined the dark loads for me. Oh, sorry, Snape. I'm trying to save money because I recently got separated from somebody who was basically paying for everything. Ugh, gross. Oh, wow. And my boyfriend was like,

why don't we just shave your head? And I said, okay, you could do it. Was this person who was paying for everything a glorious woman? No. No, it was my ex-husband. Oh. I thought it was a glorious mother of earth. It was an evil man who was paying.

Yes. Man. Evil, evil man. The revelations. He's a great man. We just. Did he look like that guy? Nothing like that guy.

That guy looks like he can pay a bill. Yeah, he does. That's right. Yeah. That guy can call dad and get shit handled. Get shit sorted. When he left you, did he drive away on Fury Road? Okay.

So, Danielle. It's a Mad Max joke, you fucking... That was last week. Get down. This guy's out of control. So, Danielle, when your boyfriend told you a month and a half ago that to save money you should shave your head,

did you realize that your boyfriend was gay? A little bit. That he wanted to hit it from behind? A little bit. How he wanted to hit it from behind? A little bit. How are you saving money without the hair? Because I would get my hair cut every two weeks because I used to have an undercut and it was just a cut.

Oh, your dad used to give you an uppercut. Oh. Did you sell the... Solid, solid. Did you sell the hair or did you donate it to LGBT youth? My hair wasn't that long. My hair was an undercut and it was down to here. She donated it to the locks of Megadeth.

So you had one side that was shaved. It was a whole undercut, so it was buzzed all the way under, but I had a lot of hair. Wow, you were like 8 Miley Cyrus. Yeah. There you go. Her boyfriend was just a fan of the movie Alien. Wow, you were like 8 Miley Cyrus. Yeah. There you go. Her boyfriend was just a fan of the movie Alien. Danielle, tell us something else about you. I think Harry Potter is becoming drunk.

Tell us something. Harry Billingsley. Is that true? Harry, have you been drinking back there again? Well, you know, I have a secretary and my wife. Keeping an eye on Joel. Nobody thinks about this part of Harry's life. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. Out of control. Danielle, tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. Like something fun, a little fun fact. You ever do anything? Any special awards that you ever won? I don't know if it's...

I used to own my own business. I used to own a martial arts school in my early 20s. No, that makes sense. We said surprise it. I don't know. I don't know anything else that's super interesting. Yes, Professor Snape. We said surprising. I don't know. I don't know anything else that's super interesting. Yes, Professor Snape. How high can you kick?

Oh, interesting question. I haven't trained in a long time. Do you want to give it a little try? Not really. Danielle, how many of you want to see how high Danielle can kick? I can't. No. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I can't kick high. No, I haven't I haven't trained in so long How many of you want to see how high after that Professor Snape can kick? Oh yeah Alright, well here we are To end tonight's episode

Hey, that's pretty good You can go higher Come on, pretend it's Jordan Peterson Go Hey, that's good. All right, here he is, Professor Snape. Crush it, Snape. Crush it.

Watch out. Yeah. Whoa. This show is so dumb that it literally ends like that. This is the second episode of Kill Tony that has ended in a how high can you kick contest. I think we finally answered can I kick it? Yeah. Yes, he can.

Make some noise for Danielle Arce, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Danielle Arce, D-A-N-I-E-L-L-E-A-R-C-E. I'm going to be doing her and Nick's show tomorrow night in Hermosa. That is true at St. Rock if you live or are anywhere near around Hermosa Beach tomorrow night. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look how crazy this is. Look how that clearly looks like you. That's amazing.

Is that fucking crazy or what? I'm amazed. Make sure you check out tim dillon in madison wisconsin comedy on state street get tickets for that tim dillon comedy.com and check out tim dillon's going to hell on itunes and gas digital check out all the band's characters at kill tony dot tv that's now been uh labeled so you can go and find you like for example right now if you're like goddamn i love professor snape i want to go see some episodes that he was on. You can go to killtony.tv and go scan for it,

and it'll show you all the episodes that he's been on. How about you make some noise one more time for the great and powerful Tim Dillon, huh? Follow him on social media, timjdillon.com. I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure he convinced you throughout tonight's episode, but if you don't believe me, I'm telling you this is one of those guys that has that type of Tiffany Haddish heat where I feel like we're lucky to have him

on the show right now, and in a couple years, he won't even be answering my text messages. So I think you're going to be up up and away. We'll all be dead for both. I got you hosting the Oscars next year by a long shot. So that's Tim Dillon. I'll bet you make some noise one more time for the one and only Professor Snape, Jeremiah Watkins.

Jeremiah has an amazing podcast called Jeremiah Wonders where he has a lot of fun in and out of characters and real life talks. This week's guest is the Sklar Brothers, one of our favorites here in Kill Tony history, one of our favorite repeat guests. Jeremiah, what else is going on? You're coming with me to Dallas, Texas New Year's Eve. We're doing some stand-up comedy shows. What else? I would like to give a special shout-out to Joe from Joe's Pizza

on Sunset. He is here with us tonight. Wow. Best pizza in Los Angeles and New York. Joe's on Sunset. We love him. They're right around the corner here. If you guys ever come here for the live shows often, you're ever in the mood for a delicious slice of pizza, it's right on the other side of La Cienega.

It's literally the best place to eat around here. Sorry to the Comedy Store cook if he's around here with a sad cold chicken tender in his hand right now. But yes, Jeremiah. And then I'd like to give another shout-out to David Knowles and Seth Miller from Menchie Music in Pennsylvania. They're trying their hardest to get me a saxophone,

so we shall see if that happens. Wow, that only took a week or two, huh? Speaking of great instruments, how about you make some noise one more time for Chroma Chris down there, huh? I didn't know they had burn victims on the set of Harry Potter, but I'm excited that you were here. Chroma Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? It was wonderful, Tony.

Wow. How about one more time for what appears to be perhaps he may have a drinking problem. We're finding out over the last couple of weeks. How about Joel Berg? I'm going through a lot. Joel Berg, is there anything else you want to promote? It doesn't sound like a problem to me. Anyway, I love you guys. Peace.

This is a Joelberg-heavy crowd. They love you. How loud can this place get for the Top Shelf Brass Band, huh? I mean, the production on this fucking show increases literally 10,000% when you guys are here. I can't tell you how much I fucking love it. Follow them on Instagram, at Top Shelf Brass Band. All one word. Instagram, Twitter, follow them on everything. Follow them in real life.

Aphrodite sings with them a lot. She's going home to St. Louis, Missouri. If any of you live in St. Louis, she's going for her mom's 87th birthday. This just became an episode of what's that show where the people dress up like characters? Gong show. And guess which door. Do you want to take what's behind the door? Let's make a deal.

And how about another hand for Josh Martin over there? He runs around making sure everything's running on track the entire time. We got Kill Tony shirts in the lobby. One of the great comedians in the world. Go to joshmartincomedy.com and pick yourself up a Josh Martin t-shirt. And go to ryanjebelt.com. I'm getting my Texas poster framed right now. I have to go pick it up tomorrow.

Nice little fancy red frame for that bad mamma jamma to go next to my five-year poster and a yellow frame in the other posters. I love it so much. Thank you guys so much for coming out. This has been another episode of Kill Tony. We'll see you soon. Next week, Russell Peters back here live in the main room. Thank you. Thank you.