KILL TONY - KILL TONY #316

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

Russell Peters, William Montgomery, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/17/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, past episodes, video portions of the show. And also if you click on tour dates, we are starting out 2019 in Raleigh, North Carolina, followed by Kill Tony Phoenix, January 26th, Kill Tony Ireland, February 14th, Kill Tony Manchester, February 15th, and Kill Tony London, February 16th. Go to deathsquad.tv for the latest tour dates and information. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has everything Golden Pony.

And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his website, RyanJEbelt.com. There you can get Kill Tony poster and books and prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to ShopSquad.tv. We're having a little sale right now. And you can get the Kill Tony shirts, Death Squad shirts, hats, mugs. Go to Shop Squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Nanceclay. Holy moly. Welcome, everybody. How exciting is this? It must be Monday night. Brian Red Band's here. Hi. We're live at the Comedy Store.

The great Ryan J. Ebeld is here drawing tonight's episode. Welcome, human beings. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise about it. No one has more fun on a Monday than us. And why don't we start the show with some breaking news? It's a very exciting announcement. This podcast started here five and a half years ago up in the belly room, and I'm happy to announce that we are adding a date to our European tour. That's right.

It is going to be the great Manchester, England. We'll be getting their very own Kill Tony on February 15th. So that's Dublin, Ireland on the 14th, Manchester, England on the 15th, and London, England on the 16th. How fucking cool is that? If you're wondering how often does that happen in the live podcast world, not at fucking all.

We're going to those places because we're special. It really is amazing. I'm so excited about it. And the whole band's coming with us. Jeremiah and Joel Berg are coming with us. We are going to fucking Europe. And we heard today that tickets are going crazy fast. So if you haven't got them, get them quick because they're probably going to sell out.

Especially in London. Get them super fast because if we get rid of that first show fast enough, we might add a second show. So, I mean, that's a big might, but you have to buy them in order for us to add another one. So those of you interested in going to two Kill Tonys in London, just buy tickets, more tickets for the first one so that we'll add a second show.

Hey, look, it's Josh Martin, everybody. There he is. He's been helping us out since the beginning. Hats off to him. And we're also doing Kill Tony in Raleigh, North Carolina January 10th. Somebody told me that I was saying it wrong. I was saying Raleigh.

That's what I thought it was. Yeah, no, it's Raleigh. You have to say Raleigh like it's some guy at a truck stop or something. Raleigh. Hey, what's up, Raleigh? And then there's Kill Tony Phoenix, Arizona. We're going back to Phoenix on January 26th. And, yep, so there you go.

I'm doing some stand-up comedy, Dallas New Year's Eve with Jeremiah Watkins. Two shows, one night only in Dallas on New Year's Eve. And then Irvine, California. I just got new dates for there. The 4th, 5th, and 6th, that entire weekend, five shows. Moron Who is going to be there with me next week. And then, yeah, we're doing stand-up. The whole Kill Tony crew is doing stand-up

at Good Nights in Raleigh, January 10th through the 12th. And then I'm doing stand-up solo in London, February 18th to the 23rd. And why do we get to do all this fun stuff? It's because the fans invest their time and their hearts into their show. They invest their love.

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promo code KILL15 for a 15% discount. Celebrate Christmas with Genius Pipe. If you have a friend who smokes, this is a great gift. Once again, GeniusPipe.com plus KILLTONY15 for a 15% discount. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Huh?

Yeah, you are. This is a real live podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And every single week I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This guy's done this show numerous times. He's so fucking funny that we just love it

every time he's here. A lot of comedians are big and famous and then we have him as guests on this show and let's face it, you've listened to this show. Every once in a while a guest can be a little disappointing. This is a guy that kills every single time. Funny on stage. Funny in real life. I just

fucking love him. We're so lucky to have him back. Make some noise for the great and powerful Russell Peters. Hey! Hey! Yeah! Hey now! Hello, Anthony and Brian. Oh, hi. Welcome back, Russell.

You're back. I am. People are excited about this. The audience is pumped. I can tell the comedians are excited. I feel like they always feel like they have some weird chance of getting to open for you somewhere. Let me just break your hearts now. Not yet, kids.

Not yet. So welcome back. Life is good. You ready for the holidays? Aren't we all ready for the holidays, guys? Even as an atheist, I'm happy about the holidays. Satan. No, that's not what an atheist is, Brian.

What was the noise you made there, Brian? Satan. Yeah. We don't believe in that guy either. Why? No up, no down. But you know who I do believe in is the band that we have on this show every single week they commit to being different characters I never know

what they're gonna be we never know what they're gonna be and they stay in character throughout the show every episode it's the greatest thing happening in all of improvised fucking sketch character comedy right now and I'm so lucky that it happens on this show so without any further ado it's the best

damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Yeah. Aww. Aww. Aww.

One got away. Oh my god, they're babies. This is the first time we've ever had this. Wow. Every once in a while on this show, we get to see brand new characters, and this is definitely one of them. Holy moly, look at that guy. I would not forget this if I'd seen this before. This is absolutely incredible. They're babies tonight

everybody. Yes, I think we figured that one out. Man, a lot of people looking at Jeremiah like they want to puke right now. Perhaps one of the most disgusting comedy bodies that there is. I like that they still have underwear on underneath their diapers. Good job Chroma Chris. What did you think was going to happen?

You're a little fucking, all right. Yeah, good. Yeah, you're doing good. Wow. So you can say that again, buddy. This is exciting. Jeremiah looks like the end of the Amy Winehouse documentary right now. It's so fun.

I mean, wow. So they're completely in diapers. And whoa, what's Joel doing? Wait, he had an iPhone in his diaper. Tony, we just got a new sponsor. Oh, you did? It's Titty Milk. Oh, wow.

I thought it was Depends. My goodness. Obviously, Joel is dressed as a infant bumblebee tonight for some reason. Boo. Okay. All right. So I guess we're going to be hanging out with babies. Am I correct, Jeremiah?

Are you a big, giant baby tonight? I'm a genderless baby. I haven't decided yet. Oh. Maybe by the end of tonight's episode, we'll find out. How many of you think that's a boy? Wow.

Okay. It's non-binary. Zero. Zero people, by the way. For those of you listening to the podcast, I know sometimes we don't have the audio of the audience covered. There's almost no question I could ask in this room in which zero people would reply.

Zero. It's an anomaly. There's about, I don't know, maybe two, three hundred people in a fucking room and nobody said that Jeremiah could be a boy just then. Zero. Zero. How many of you think that's a woman sitting

over there? Yeah. Wow. I'm so excited about this. We're going to have babies on stage with us the entire time, Russell. We have a bucket filled with comedians' names. You guys ready to do this shit? Yeah. You know how it works. We meet brand new people here.

Sometimes it's someone we've seen before. Sometimes it's a comedy veteran that's been doing it 20 years. You never know who signed up in the bucket. Sometimes it's their first time on the show. Sometimes it's their 15th time, Julian Aguilar. bucket. Sometimes it's their first time on the show. Sometimes it's their 15th time. Julie and Aguilar.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds of stand-up time. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And we don't want that to happen again. And then we interview you. We talk about anything in the world and talk about maybe what more you could be talking about more of

and find out more about you and what makes you different as a human being live around the globe on Kill Tony's YouTube page. Are you guys ready to start this show live right now? From the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. Every Monday. Except for Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. Yeah, except for the next two weeks.

Yes. And the one Monday in the middle of smack dab February when we're in Europe. But we'll make it up. But other than those three dates, every single Monday, don't forget. All right, and here we go. I pulled a name out of the bucket. I think we've seen this young man before. This looks like a familiar name.

Make some noise for Daniel Valdez, everyone. Here we go. Oh, here he is. Imagine not being able to reach the minimum height requirement for a Napoleon complex. Dropped out of school in second grade, which explains why I stayed this size. The doctors just told me I have type 1 diabetes. I went to the doctor sick, then they told me that to add insulin to injury. It's terrible. There's two types of diabetes in case you guys didn't know. One where you eat ho-hos every single day and then, you know, and there's the other one that I have, which is when God wakes up and decides to hit you with the fuck you stick.

Thanks. That's it? Just 40 seconds? It was a short set. My God. Jeez Louise. Jeez Louise. 40 seconds from this little fucking,

the tiniest 45-year-old I've ever seen in my life. He looks like he was on that show Miami Mice. What? What? Red Band? Red Band, did you just make a Miami Mice joke? Looks like a bouncer at a daycare. Looks like a bouncer at a daycare. Oh, my God.

That's incredible. You look like the main character of Narcos if it was on the learning channel. You need something to get your memory back. I guess so. I need some alpha brain or infinite CBD or something like that. So Daniel, let me ask you what happened there? Not at birth, we mean you're sick.

So I had Do you have some type of disease? You have like Benjamin Button down or something like that? Yeah, no, okay. Victor Velcro, what do you got? What is it? Yeah, no, I had the first

two things that I did I was planning on. Yeah, the first two things I did I was planning on, but the diabetes material that I added was unplanned. That happened Monday. Really? Monday through Wednesday.

That material was in development. Wow. It's still developing. Me too. Yeah, I mean, diabetes is... Me too, me too. Do you guys have an extra diaper to throw at Daniel? Sorry about these guys.

We didn't know. Really adding insult to injury. He's 60, I'm 1. What? Nothing. Wait, the last time you were on this show, didn't you go on a ride on Jeremiah's shoulders? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now I'm a baby and he's a man. Daniel, so how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? on Jeremiah's shoulders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now I'm a baby and he's a man. Wow, Daniel. So how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? My first time. Oh, shit. You just got a diaper. Put it on, Daniel.

Come on. No need to wait. The mic is up in the mic stand. There we go. You're doing it wrong, Daniel. This is Daniel's first time putting on a diaper. Look for the hole.

It's like underwear, Daniel. You ever worn underwear before? Well, not this big. So now we have a giant baby helping Daniel put a diaper on over his pants. For some reason, that looks ten times funnier than I thought it was going to. It feels good. I'm going to say this. Wow.

It's the first time I've heard appropriate humor at the club. Daniel, man, how would you feel about always wearing a diaper as a stand-up comedian? This could be your new voice. I think that I feel free right now. Can I put on your shirt now? Yes. I think it's only right that we do a full switch here. The baby wants to wear Daniel's

shirt. The whole place is in chaos. Daniel just turned into a Daniel just turned into a Mexican superhero boy, by the way. Oh, wow. Now be careful, because Build-A-Bear closes soon, and he won't be able to get another shirt. Fetus gap.

Wow. This is just absolutely adorable. Daniel, over here, stick with me. Oh, wait. This shit's about to tear right down the wall. This ends badly. Don't rip it.

Jesus. Jeremiah. My God. When did Jeremiah. My God. When did Jeremiah turn into Courtney Love? How did this happen exactly? I can't remember which episode it happened all the way. Oh, my God. Look at this.

Wow. Oh, my God. Jeremiah looks like he's about to take that little boy to the abortion clinic. Who, Daniel? Yeah. He is going to rip it. This is incredible. So, Daniel, how often do you, what's your dating life like?

My girlfriend's in the audience. Really? Dying. Who's your girlfriend? Which one's your girlfriend? Oh, my God. She identified herself. Wow.

That's crazy. That's a good step. Hey. How long have you two been crazy. That's a good step. How long have you two been together? That's a good first step. Do you go up on her? I mean, sorry, you go... Last time I was bragging because she's my height.

She's 10, but it's... Oh, come on, Daniel. All right, we'll add that to the 40 seconds you did earlier. There you go. How long have you two been together? We've been together for almost three years. Wow. That's such a long relationship.

Yeah. My goodness. Where'd you guys meet? We met at school at daycare. All right, Daniel. We met at school in New York. Met her on Kinder? Hey! Yeah, no, we met in college in New York.

College in New York. Are you from New York? No, I'm from New Jersey. Oh, same shit. You think he's from a Big Apple? So where were you studying in college? From a plum. We were going we were going

to an art school art school yeah like acting school you ever get any acting work yeah I was a child actor is that true

yeah I did I mean you still are but if you shave I'm sure you can get all the roles were you in anything we might recognize

or any shows we've ever heard of I don't know if anyone knows The Wonder Pets yeah my daughter watches that yeah I was know if anyone knows The Wonder Pets. Yeah, my daughter watches that. Yeah?

I was a little alien on The Wonder Pets. Oh, nice. That was a good show. She watches that. Did you have a beard when you did it? Yeah. No? No.

I was a little kid when I did that, yeah. Do you still, what do you do for work now? Now I'm an usher at a theater. Aw. And then. Wow, a verbal, an audible awe from an audience member. Which, by the way, I know her. She works in the kitchen here at the comedy store. So I don't think it gets more insulting than getting an awe

from somebody that's working the deep fryers at the comedy store. But that's just funny because it's true. Fuck. Do you try to usher people to their seats? You're like, sir, right this way over here. He's like, suck my dick. I'll sit wherever I want. You might want to take that shirt off real quick. It's starting to soak in.

I'm going to have to wash. Daniel, have you ever had any problems ushering people? Do people not listen to you? Yeah, no. So what I've started doing is I just say like... Hey, I'm down here. Ticket, please. Is it hard to walk over popcorn?

I almost fell the other day. You ever hide out in a jumbo drink? Where are you tearing tickets at exactly? I didn't know the Wizard of Oz had a movie theater. Is it a movie theater? We're getting really mean. Where are you tearing tickets at? You do not want to say?

No, I guess the Pantages. Do you know the Pantages? On Sunset. Hollywood. On Hollywood, yeah. Well, I'm sure they'd be very proud to see you up here in a diaper. Oh, yeah. I wear diapers to work, too.

Oh, Jeremiah is getting a rattle with his feet. For you podcast listeners wondering what the audience is looking at right now. Really gross. A lot of man foot happening, which is never fucking good. This is... All right. Well, Daniel, you got the party started tonight with a bunch of babies up here. Nobody better than to.

Yeah. Keep the diaper. You get to keep the diaper. Thanks for being a great sport, Daniel. Now you give me a shirt. Jeremiah is taking the shirt off. And like that, he's back to being a normal human baby. All right.

There goes Daniel Valdez, ladies and gentlemen. So you get it. That's how the show works. Anything can happen. You could end up wearing a fucking diaper offstage by the end of the night. That's how it goes. All right, pulled another name out. Make some noise for Mitch Brown, everyone.

Here we go. Mitch Brown. Son of a Mitch. Oh, I see a couple people out there that are dressed alike. There's a let's make a deal vibe going on out there. Them furbies are furries out here. Here he comes. He's making his approach.

Hello, everyone. How are you? My name is Mitch Brown. I acknowledge that that is an incredibly generic white guy name, but as you can tell by my body and face, it fits. It works. It's worked for me all my life. I had a friend once tell me that I look like the guy from every college brochure ever. Just fucking looking like, like church camp Draco Malfoy.

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a black friend. His name is Eric. Eric one time told me that I look like Eminem if Eminem didn't hate his mom. Just listening to Mumford's and Sun and shit. All right. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Mitch Brown. Welcome to the show, Mitch. This is your first time here, right? This is my first time here, yes. Good job. I've never seen white privilege in a person, but it's nice. There it is, right there.

You know, yeah. It is incredible. You are so white, I was expecting you to sound British. Yeah. But you didn't do that as one of your jokes about what you look like about how i'm not british yeah i you did other jokes about like what you look like and you should sound like and all that but that one that i just did was bigger than uh that stuff how old are you mitch i might i might steal it yeah you might be able to how old are you, Mitch? I might steal it. Yeah, you might be able to. How old are you, Mitch? 27. Jesus.

And have you ever grown facial hair? Have you? This is my beard right now. You know, Daniel Valdez is ironically much more of a man than you right now. Yeah, it's true. Hey, fuck height, Daniel. You look like a man. You know what I mean?

It's true. It's true. It's true. So, Mitch, this is your first time on this show. Yes, sir. And clearly, by what you're wearing, it's also your first day of eighth grade. In a preppy school because you're wearing fucking weird deck shoes. I didn't even know where you got those fucking shoes. 1994.

Are those Basswegians? Oh, my God. Is there a penny in there? Your good luck penny? Do you put it somewhere in there? It is unbelievable. I so rarely do this on this show because I'm always like, shoes, who cares? But, my friend, I must ask, what are those?

Yeah. I mean, that is really incredible. Like, that's bad in every way. Sometimes I'm like, oh, maybe they're cool in like a hip way. I could sort of see why like an artsy person would like those. Tony, they're air boardens hip way. I could sort of see why an artsy person would like those. Tony, they're air-bordens. They're air-what? Bordens.

Air-bordens. Because he's boring. Yep, yep. I got it. Sometimes you have to spell it out, little baby. You should just come up with air-boring. Air-boring. Air-boring.

That's why you're rich. I'm rich because I don't spend my money on those fucking shoes. Mitch, are you as white as we think you are? Where are you from? Texas. What part of Texas? Austin. Wow.

Born and raised? No, actually born out here and then raised in Austin. Why? How do you end up getting raised in Austin? Where the fuck did that go? That's backwards. No, I born out here and then raised in Austin Why? How do you end up getting raised in Austin? Where the fuck did that go? That's backwards No, I feel like, you know, like 1992 There was just like a wave of people from California That all went to Austin and then they all raised their kids there

And then all their kids are now What are your parents like? You cool with them? Yeah, we're cool Wow, you just turned into Jerry Seinfeld right there He kind of looks like a young Louis C.K. I'm still going through puberty, too. This is all a work in progress. If you start jerking off right now, we're going to have a problem.

I think he started already. I don't know if you saw that set. You look like a grown-up Cupid. It's true. You're a grown-up Cupid. Right in time for the Valentine's Day. What do your parents do? My mom is an accountant. Grown up Cupid. Right in time for the Valentine's Day. Huh. What do your parents do?

My mom is an accountant, and my dad is a computer science engineer. We're getting whiter. Getting whiter. What do you do for work, Mitch? I do advertising. What? Advertising. Wow.

My goodness. How long have you been doing stand-up? For the four months. Oh, wow, you're brand new. Yeah. Getting into it. So what do we do for fun? What is a guy like you into?

A drum. Wait, what? Well, I don't know if this is humanly possible. Oh, shit. I don't know if this is humanly possible for a... Joel, Joel, Joel, it hasn't started yet. My God, Jesus Christ. Shalonge accepted.

I don't know if it's possible for the whitest white guy we've ever had. Joel, do you not remember how this goes? Joel, you wait 30 seconds, then you do that. Let him make the announcement and then build up. No, he has to drum first. I love it. Okay. I think we've just outsourced the drumming to a white guy.

I don't know if you know this. This is an exciting thing on this show, Russell, but when we find out somebody knows how to drum, we offer them a chance at a position of a lifetime. Not only do they go from only having 60 seconds in an interview on this show, but at the end of this, he could possibly be the new drummer for Kill Tony, which means not only is he on the show every week, but if he wins tonight, he will be going to Dublin, London, and Manchester with us.

The only problem is Joel has never lost this competition. It takes a lot of charisma to win. Best of luck, Mitch. This is a Mexican drum off. Here he goes. He's going in for his drum solo. Joel is nowhere to be found at this point He's right there

Alright ladies and gentlemen For his first ever drum solo live here at the Comedy Store With the Mexican Drum Off Competing for a full time position here on Kill Tony I would strongly suggest that Mitch represents the proverbial wall Yes, this is true Here he goes With a powerful drum solo.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch Brown. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. We are in big trouble. Zoinks. The budget does not allow for two drummers to go to Europe. Do I buy my ticket now? Wait.

Whiteburg. Whiteburg. Hold on. Wait a second. drummers to go to Europe. Do I buy my ticket now? Wait. Whiteburg. Whiteburg. Hold on. Wait a second. The place is in chaos. Mitch, you just did a thousand times better than anybody thought

you were going to do up here. That's true. By the way, good news. You're no longer a comedian. You're a drummer full time. But here to defend the throne, but you're not a professional drummer on this show yet.

Mitch went from saltine to Ritz. Real fast. Here to defend his throne. He's undefeated on this show all times in Mexican drum ops. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Joel Berg. Wow! I mean...

Unbelievable! Unbelievable! In all fairness, it's still close in my eyes. That was the closest ever. Oh, I'm sorry. You got to change my diaper now, bitch. Oh, shit. I'll see you soon, London.

Wow. Man, should we do this the old school way? How many of you think Mitch won that drum off there? How many of you think Mitch won that drum off there? How many of you think Joel Berg retains? Well, Mitch, the good news is you're a lot better of a drummer than you are a comedian. You know? I got something working for me. You got to kill in front of this crowd tonight one way or the other.

Mitch, thank you so much. There he goes, Mitch Brown. The crowd is a good rock and roll crowd tonight. I or the other. Mitch, thank you so much. There he goes, Mitch Brown. The crowd is a rock and roll crowd tonight. I like you guys. Can I just say how nervous me and you were? That was really rough. It was going to be really hard to explain to Joel Berg why

he wasn't going to Europe anymore. It would have been so much easier to smuggle him into Europe too. We're just returning him. Right. He's from here. Wow. How about another hand for Joel Berg?

He would clap right now, but his hands are bleeding profusely from playing the drums. I've never seen you play like that, by the way. I'm impressed, man. That was your best drum off ever okay we're gonna change it up a little bit this little cutie name has hearts over all of her eyes make some noise for Lisa

Shishakihah here we go here she is Lisa Shishkiha. Hi, guys. I'm Lisa, and I'm very shy. I'm so shy I lost my virginity in a tracem. I needed a friend to support me in this dick adventure. I also lost my comedy virginity right now to you guys and a bunch of people I don't know so we're having like a 50 some or 80 some I hope you enjoying it if not then fake it

it might help me finish faster also I met this fine gentleman a couple of weeks ago, and I think he's into some kinky stuff, because the first thing he asked me, he asked me to put out my cigarette on his body, which I did, and now every time I smoke, I miss him. I'm like, where's my ashtray boy? So I think I could date him. He's cute, but I don't know how it's going to work out because what if

on the third date he's going to ask me, can I finish? He's going to ask you that? Lisa Shishikina. Wow. Lisa, how long have you been rigging the elections for?

Yeah. This is incredible. Baby Jeremiah. I think I finally picked my gender. Wow. Look at the little baby rushing right over to Lisa.

Say that again. They didn't hear that. I think I could breastfeed you, but my breast not develop enough. Wait, the breast milk is what? She can't develop the breast anymore. They're not developed enough. I'll try. Where are you from, Lisa?

I think he's willing to give it a shot. I'm Russian. You're Russian? No, we figured that part out. Heck yeah. You're Russian, you're flirting with Joelbert. You would think you'd want to hook up with somebody that can get you a green card, but I think you picked the wrong guy. I didn't finish it because I want to say that I could

date him, but maybe on the third date he's going to ask me some weird stuff like cut his ears off. Cut his ears? You don't have to ask me twice. Lisa, I'm so confused. Why would he ask you to cut his ears? Hilarious in Russian. You're so uncultured, it bothers me.

You don't know about ear cut off, you idiotka! Yes, Mr. Peter. You're so stupid, American. Ha ha. Tony. Turban fall over eyes can't see. Jeremiah.

She can hack my erection anytime. Oh, I don't think that's what they were saying on the news. It's election, little baby Jeremiah. No, I don't know that's what they were saying on the news. It's election, little baby Jeremiah. No, I don't know the difference. So, Lisa, what the hell is going on here? Was this really your first time on stage? Wow, all right.

How about that? One more time for Lisa. Heck yeah. I mean, for your first time, you still did better than Mitch. The very first time I was on stage, I was eight years old, and it was in front of the school, and I forgot my part. It was in front of this what? Like school.

Oh, their school. Their school. They made me cut ears. Not in eighth grade with chopstick ears. Not that funny. Display my moose knuckle. It was dominator school. I have been training since 8 years old.

This is incredible. I saw you last week when you fought Joanna Janjacek for the women's... This is Valentina Shevchenko, correct? Yep. How many people have you killed? You ever kill a man? You ever kill someone? Well, I'm from Siberia.

Oh, insurance fraud. Siberia. What level on Bond N64 was that exactly? I think it was the first, second level. She's frigid. She's frigid. Yeah. The Siberian.

So how long have you been in America? Nine years. Nine years. Oh, nice. And how old have you been in America? Nine years. And how old are you now? 29. You look good. Generally people don't age that well out here. What have you been doing for the last nine years? Well, I recently moved to LA in May. I used to live in New York for the past seven years.

Wait, what? She just recently moved to LA. You lived in New York or Europe? Oh, New York. Oh, okay. They said Europe. It's my accent. You should get used to it.

Europe. Europe. I'm sorry. What have you been doing for a living? Like, what do you do for work? I'm a waitress. Oh, really? Where?

Well, waitresses are always good at Russian orders. Yeah. Okay. So stupid. Get me a BLT and put a rush on that. Yeah. Do people ever offend you by ordering Russian salad dressing? No.

People usually can offend me if they ask me to recommend the drinks and they say, oh, maybe you drink vodka straight up, and you don't know. Vodka. That's not even a V. Vodka, vodka, vodka. Vodka. Doesn't that mean water to you guys?

Yeah, kind of. All right. You want some vodka? It's weird, because sometimes you say W's where there should be V's, and you say V's where there should be W's, right? It's like Indian people. We do that, too. Really?

Volkswagen. Really? Really? You got to tilt your head, though, with it. Huh. Volkswagen. What? I would like some vodka.

Very, very fast, please. Okay. So, Lisa, you've been waitressing. Do you waitress at a corporate chain or a little private place? I used to be a bartender and I study wine as well, but here in LA... I think you mean vine.

Exactly. It's harder to find a job here in LA, so I've been waitress. It's a small place. What did you used to be? Bartender and also study wine. In New York. But there's a lot of Russians in did you used to be? Bartender. Oh, a bartender. In New York. Yeah.

But there's a lot of Russians in New York, and they own that shit. Oh, please. Russians are everywhere, not only in New York. No, I know you are. Jesus Christ. She's letting out the infiltration secret. The infiltration secret is out. This is unbelievable.

Collusion. Collusion. What do you miss most about the motherland? What do you miss most about... Only friends. Only family and friends. Yeah, collusion. What do you miss most about the motherland? What do you miss most about... Only friends, only family and friends. Yeah, your friends. What do you and your friends like to do? What do Russians do when they get together in Siberia?

Guess what we do. I mean, you drink. We drink vodka, yeah. But what's something crazy? But what's a crazy personal memory that you have of your times in Russia? If you were going to talk about one of your craziest times you ever got drunk in Russia that you think us Americans could never understand, like, what did you do?

Did you guys ever get drunk and, like... Fight a polar bear? Yeah, exactly. That's what we think Russians do. Polar bears, they're not in Russia. Oh, I'm sorry. You did not let them. No, you need Siberian huskies, that's it.

Zetkinis, no more, please. I take polar bear, I cut ears, who care? Now he's funny, polar bear. You don't get, you stupid. What's your favorite memory of crazy, drunken Russian memory? Well, I wouldn't say I was drunk, because I was a child back in the days. That did not change.

Yeah. But the craziest thing I've probably done it's like in the winter time, it's very cold so the river is frozen. No. In other redundant news. And we got this religion thing when they make a hole in the river.

You make a hole? Wait, wait, a religion thing? Yeah. It's a Christian orthodox. We do it in January. So you... You have to swim in a cold water to rinse your sins, kind of. Oh.

I've done it once. And you probably had to soak in that shit, am I right? And you guys wonder why I don't believe in God. Wow. Are there any animals that Russia has? Siberian tiger? Yeah. Husky?

Well, Siberian tigers are more in the east. Like we have bears. Eastern Siberian tigers. Well, Siberia is 80% of Russia, so Siberia is really big. I just find it interesting because normally they don't let you transport animals from country to country, but you seem to have brought your camel toe with you all the way from... That's barely a camel toe. It's not, by the way.

I've been looking for it the whole show. Right, it's not. I double-checked. I was hoping there was one there, but there's not. by the way. I've been looking for it the whole show. Right, it's not. I double-checked. I was hoping there was one there, but there's not. I'm sorry. I was looking at Jeremiah's crotch. That's a moose knuckle. Yeah, he's got the old...

A deer hoof. Jeremiah's got a lot of junk in that diaper. Looks like he pooped out of the front side. Ladies. Kakushki. So Lisa, is there anything how much longer are you going to be in America for? Do you live here now? I have a green card

if it's your concern. Me too. Me too. I too. I too am a green card holder. So you married someone? Are you married? That sounds like the opening dialogue to a porno. I used to be married. Well, that's how she got the green card. She was married. That makes sense. That makes sense.

How long are you married for? Officially, we're still married. We just don't live together anymore. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. Is he in New York? Actually, you know, I'm a stepmom because my ex, I mean my husband still on the papers he had a

girlfriend she had a child while he was with you? excuse me? he had the kid while he was with you? no I already moved to LA when they made it okay how old is your stepchild? she was born recently

so she's nine? how old is she? no a month. So she's nine? How old is she? No, a month ago or so. Oh, a month ago. Your husband just had a kid a month ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to celebrate, instead of cutting umbilical, we cut ears. Well, Lisa, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show.

First time ever doing stand-up comedy. Lisa Shishkina. Good job. She's on Twitter at LittleCutePaw, P-A-W. LittleCutePaw, all one word. LittleCutePaw? Yeah, LittleCutePaw. Because of the...

Moose knuckle? Yeah. The cat paw. What was it? The paw, the the hoof whatever it is it's a fucking sin it's incredible for some reason something in my

gut tells me that we should all be very afraid of that girl that we just saw definitely there's something like very I don't know she seems like a it's very like Russian yeah it's maybe it's just how we're trained as Americans to be like, that seems like a villain.

But like, that really seemed like a villain. What was that movie with Scarlett Johansson? I don't know. Where she played the... Lucy. Lucy, yeah, yeah. She had a Lucy-esque vibe. That girl seemed like every girl

from like the first 20 minutes of the James Bond movie where she's not not the main person, but she has to end up getting killed. She seduces him first. He still sleeps with her one night, and then she tries to pull a gun out from under the pillow, and he's like, I'm fucking James Bond,

and there's a whole hour left in this movie, lady. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Daniel Moquin, everyone. Daniel! Here we go. Here he comes. Right down the middle. One more time for Daniel Mo Quinn.

Hello. Hi. Thinking about cutting my dick off. Anybody else in here? That's a lot more than I thought. That's cool. Yeah, man, I'm going to cut it off. Not transitioning into a woman or anything like that.

Just going to Ken Doll it down there for a while. Dude without a dong. I don't want to become a woman because I still want to make the same money I'm making right now. You know what I'm saying? Hey, don't groan. That's a reflection on society, not me, okay? I'm just pointing it out to you lovely people so you can do nothing about it. That's all I'm doing.

I'm not using it anyway. I mean, I've never taken a dick pic before in my life, not once. Women have asked me, they've said, Daniel, can I get a dick pic? And I'm like, no. They say, why? I say, because I don't know. I don't want Mark Zuckerberg to see that shit or whoever is watching in the cloud. I don't know.

My dick, never been photographed. It's like an uncharted island. It's like a forbidden... Alright, whatever. You know what the best part was? That was a brand new joke and I fucked it up. The irony of the cat sound related to what he's talking about cutting off his dick.

And also, just so you know, we already have a Jeremiah. Do you want to give it another try, that last joke? No, it's done. I already did it in the other room, and it went great. So fuck you guys. Well, I don't think that's really how it works. I think everybody's really like, no dude, fuck you. Please, somebody.

I'm just sort of curious as to what you were going for, but if you want to ride it out as is. No, it's fine. I'll just leave it there. I feel okay about it. This is very exciting. First we had a Russian on, now we have a person who looks like they do hack computer programs professionally. Hey, at least they went with computer programs on that.

This is your first time on the show, Daniel? No, I've been here once before. How did that go? Was that fun for you? It was very fun, yes. Yeah, what happened? What did we talk about? Remind us.

Well, I did a joke about beer, which was funny. And then Connor and Keith Carey made out. Or no, no, wait. No, you. No, Pat Reagan and Connor and Keith Carey made out. No, wait. Pat Reagan and Connor McSpadden made out. That was a while back. That was one year ago exactly. Really? Patty's never forgetting that moment.

That's why he left. Welcome back, Daniel. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? A while. I've lost track. Give us a ballpark, Daniel. It's been a blur. I don't know. I've lost track. Sure, give us a ballpark, Daniel. It's been a blur. I don't know. A few years. How many?

A few years. Yeah. Four, five, six. Don't be coy. No, I really don't know. I know. I've been doing it 30 years. I didn't fucking question myself.

How long have you been saying 30 years for? 30 fucking years now. Shit. Wow. So, Daniel. I wish I knew, though. I really do. Daniel, what do you do for a living?

I do audience warm-up and I jack off. I knew, though. I really do. Daniel, what do you do for a living? I do audience warm-up, and I jack off. I do sperm donor shit. I donate my sperm for $500. Is that true? Yeah. You donate your sperm? I don't know who wants it, but they pay me. Just in case another person wants to have a kid that looks like Jughead.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or a makeup-less Joker. So you don't ever think, like, in the future, and me, are going to find you and you're going to owe a lot of money or some crazy shit? I'm going to worry about that in 18 years. That's what I'm going to do. Wow. You don't feel bad putting your bad genetics out there on the market like that?

If they were bad, why would they pay me for it? I don't know. They know something. Why are they paying you for it? Because you draw eyebrows on before you go to the clinic or something? Oh, my God. Redman. And a six-pack.

Bunch of potential eunuchs out there. He does have thin eyebrows. Redman is on fire here tonight. I don't know what's going on. He's roasting everybody. It's that infinite CBD I've been using. Yeah, it really is. It is incredible.

It is the best. Daniel, you look like Keith Ledger. Heath's lesser known brother. How many times have you made money coming into a cup? That's another question I wish I knew the answer to a lot. How about a ballpark? I'm disconnected from your own life. Daniel, have you ever answered questions before?

Like, what do you do? I like to stay vague. I don't know. I'm embarrassed about the truth. That's really what it is. Well, then maybe you should talk about it. You can't handle the truth. If it's really embarrassing,

then you'll get the laughs that you didn't get during your set tonight. Yeah, maybe. Daniel, how many times do you think you've come in a cup, if you had to guess? I don't know. Somewhere between 25 and 50. See, that's an interesting answer. That's a lot of fucking times.

Somewhere between that. How often do they let you do that? Maximum, I think there's a monthly cutoff. I think it's three times a month. That's not bad. I might be into that,'s three times a month. That's not bad. I might be into that, actually. Oh, yeah, that's what they want. They just want chunks of your fucking yellow cum stacked on their shelves.

They take yellow cum. But this guy's cum smells like Camel Lights for some reason. Camel Lights. It looks like the old mayonnaise around the jar. Yeah. It looks like the old mayonnaise around the jar. They get the cup back and they're like, sir, this is just a cup of Cheetos.

Flamin' hot. Your sperm has a sleep apnea. Daniel, what's your cum like? Don't actually answer that. It's normal. So you really push it to that limit. You go about three times a month. No. No.

No. Just whenever they call. What was the first thing? They call. Daniel. We need some cum stack. We need you to cum in. You got a load for us?

You cum in so many cups. Have you ever just tried to do like an old-fashioned lemonade stand with cum? Wow. A little baby with a good question. You ever do a lemonade stand? Cunty style. Do you want me to answer that one? No, no, it's okay. So, Daniel, you've been coming in cups.

What was the first answer that you said that you do for work? Audience warm-up. Oh, where do you do that at? Riot. Not here. Riot Games. Where at? Riot Games. Where at? Riot Games. They're an eSports.

That's awesome. You ever get your two jobs confused sometimes? You're like, are you guys ready to fucking come in some cups? All the time. Wow. Daniel, what do you like to do for fun? You seem like a guy with a lot of hobbies. You like to probably kick up your... Do you remember anything that you like to do for fun? You seem like a guy with a lot of hobbies.

You like to probably kick up your tube sock. Do you remember anything that you'd like to do for fun? Yeah, I don't know. I like to play some video games every now and then. No shit, huh? What are you playing? You're very engaging, so I could see that. I just don't want to look at you guys.

I play mostly NBA 2K19. Do you smoke a lot of pot? 2K or 2KY? Do you smoke pot? No, zero. You don't smoke pot at all? Meanwhile, you play a lot of video games. You have that haircut.

You don't know the answers to shit. Like, it doesn't make sense. You don't even have an excuse for this ridiculous behavior. No. Have you ever tried smoking pot? Yeah, I used to smoke a lot of weed. What happened? I just got tired of it.

Really? Yeah. But you didn't get tired of just coming into cups? Hey, that's fun, man. That's fun. Really? Did they give you porn when you do that? Yeah, it's like old 70s Bush porn.

It's gross, but I don't use it. Hey, fuck you. I grew up on that shit, you asshole. I think you would love Bush since you look like the lead singer of the band. Nice. Only that many people remember Bush. Wow. Daniel,

is there any redeeming qualities? Anything that you could say to make this audience be more interested in you? Any fun facts about Daniel that we don't know? You ever beat the game Jenga and have it all be one stack at the end?

Is that a thing? No, no, it's not. Where'd you grow up, Daniel? All over. Wow. Wow. You a big fan of Vague magazine? He's from Las Vegas.

I'm from Canada. I grew up partially here You're Canadian? Yeah, from Montreal Oh, that's the problem Okay He's not from Canada, guys He's from Montreal

How did you end up here? I just moved around a lot I ended up in New Mexico and then moved here I've been Everywhere by Johnny Cash, if you're wondering. I was wondering. I can't tell who's playing the fucking music if it's him or them. It's Red Band.

If it sounds good, it's Red Band. Oh, okay. I love when it's like guitars and stuff and they look at me. So Daniel, I'm still a little confused. If you started in Montreal, how do you become an American citizen? He didn't. Baby Jeremiah.

He married a Russian woman. What happened, Daniel? How did you become a citizen? I got a green card. How? I don't remember. You get them. You just get them.

Jesus Christ. I got one. He's got one. The fucking Ruski has one. I guess so. We're worried about Mexicans, and we've already met two different illegal people. And me. Well, you're still good.

All right, Daniel. Well, there you go. Thank you. The answerless Daniel Moquin, everyone. Thank you so much. Good job, Daniel. I don't remember. I got one.

I don't remember. I just realized I touched his hand Baby Jeremiah's going cray-cray over there, huh? How you doing, baby? Was that wallpaper paste? What is it? You guys having fun out there? Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for your next comedian, Nick Estes, everyone.

Nick Estes. Here he comes. Hell yeah. Here he comes. His brother Dante. Hey. Where are you? Whew. Why are boner pills named after strong black women?

Viagra, Stendra, Levitra, Cialis. What's going on here, guys? Is it because black don't crack? Is it because the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice? And if they could somehow capture the potency of that sweet Halle Berry juice and concentrate it down into a tiny blue pill, And concentrate it down into a tiny blue pill. Would that pill have the power to give any man on God's green earth the hardest, longest-lasting erection of his whole damn life? Yes, Lord.

Can I get an amen? Hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Tony. Wow. Nick Estes. Is the Apollo 13 here tonight? Hey.

There's just one. Was that okay? Everybody went home for Christmas? No. One of the improv ones has another show. Oh, wow. It appears as though

I've been betrayed by my black friends, the Apollo 13 at another show across town. That was like Martin Luther King's I Have a Wet Dream. That's good. I mean, Nick, that was something else. You had my attention the whole time. I couldn't wait to see where you were going once you tried to mix black women.

I like that you said black women and you picked the only mixed black woman out of there. Halle Berry's only half a berry. She's... She's the lighter the juice in that one. Very interesting. Nick, you've been on this show before. Do I remember?

No, never. This is your first time. Nick Estes. Adonde Estes. Aki, senor. Oh, you've been on this show before. Do I remember? No. No, never. This is your first time. Nick Estes. Adonde Estes. Aki, senor. Oh, shit. I don't know what you guys are saying. Can somebody get that waitress from earlier to tell me? I think you mean the kitchen staff.

So, Nick, here we are. This is your first time ever on this show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two, three years. Two or three years. Why is everybody so aloof with that number? No, it's because I had to stop and then pick it back up again. Why'd you stop?

I moved to South America. Where? To Chile. Santiago, Chile. I've been to Chile. No, that's not the right place. That's the national anthem to Chile. Are you Chilean? Yes, I am. Well, then I made a good trip.

Thank you. You think you'd be better at mining for jokes, then? What was that? Oh, mining for jokes. Chilean miners, anybody? No, I get it. It's good. Yes.

So, Nick, why did you move to South America? To be in my daughter's life. Wow, I thought you were just going to say to be in my daughter's life. Wow. I thought you were just going to say to be in your daughter. And I was going to get creeped out there for a second. Right after a Viagra set. Right. To be in my daughter, Tony.

I'm like, wow, you're a lot more direct than the last guy I had up here answering questions. Well, he knows why. So is she still in Chile? No. She's actually here with me on this visit. We got 45 days in California, so this is day three. And then you're loving it. Wait, where is she right now?

She's at my house. So you just left her there? No, no, my grandma's there. Grandma's there. Did you guys come up via migrant caravan? It's a little more difficult from South America to get here. We took a plane. Oh, okay. It's a caravan? It's a little more difficult from South America to get here. It's a caravan boat. What are you guys doing for fun?

How old is your daughter? She's 11. She just turned 11. What are you guys doing for fun? Doing anything cool in Los Angeles? We got here and she got sick on the plane and then she passed that virus on to grandma. So they're both at home sick. You guys really are dangerous.

It is. You know, I never wanted to side with Trump, but... Wow. What kind of virus are we talking about? It was a stomach flu or something. They were puking and diarrhea. Pleasant. Very

pleasant. Probably got the sweats and the chilies. Have you taken her to Chili's for dinner? Yeah. I should take her back so she can bring the fever down. Wow. Here we are. So wait, how long were you out of her life that you wanted to go back to being her?

Well, what was happening was that she was spending her summer vacations here in California with me and then mom took away the visit. So then I had to move there. Here we are. How long were you there for? Two years.

What are some things that we'd be surprised to know about Chile? I was there a year ago, you know. Really? Yeah, but you were at the Ritz-Carlton Chile or whatever. I actually was, but I really was at the Ritz-Carlton in Chile. This guy here is at the Schitt Ritz Carlton in Chile this guy here is at the Schitt's Carlton in Chile

basically now he's at the Schitt's Carlton she's got the Schitt's and the Pukes that's true you know what

I was surprised to learn about Chile the food is fucking awful really yeah isn't that how it is in most

countries though no it's not you expect alright I have a lot of I know some Chilean people I was like

oh there's first of all there's no sea bass did you know there's no fucking Chilean sea bass doesn I know some Chilean people. I was like, oh, there's first of all, there's no sea bass. Did you know there's no fucking Chilean sea bass doesn't exist? Wow. I was in Chile. I was like, hey,

do you guys have a sea bass? I was like, I was smart. I was like, cut out the Chilean part. Do you guys have a sea bass? No, no se. No se. I've never heard of it. Sea bass. I kept doing this shit. I was like, it's a very popular dish. They go, no, halibut.

I was like, oh, it's just fucking halibut. Jeez Louise. Is there a Chili's there? There's a TGIF Fridays. But not Chili's? No Chili's though. They have a lot of sushi with cream cheese. No Chili's in Chili.

A lot of cream cheese in the sushi over there I found. A lot of drowning in cream cheese. It's fucking weird. What do you love the most about Chile, though, Nick? What are some things that we'd be interested to know? There's good snow resorts. Really? Like, if you're into snowboarding or skiing. There's Chile out there.

Yeah, there's a lot of good resorts. They have fake snow? It is Chile. Fake snow? Surrounded by the Andes Mountains, yeah. Oh, okay. Alright. Man. You ever go snowboarding? That's Columbia. You ever go snowboarding with your 11-year-old? No, not. All right. Man. You ever go snowboarding? That's Columbia. You ever go snowboarding with your 11-year-old?

No, not yet. Huh. What is she into? What's she a big fan of? Is she looking like she's going to be a good human being? She's silly. She's silly like Daddy, and she likes YouTube. YouTube, the man?

Funny YouTube videos. That's what she's into. Huh. Kill Tony available on YouTube. Funny YouTube videos. That's what she's into. Kill Tony available on YouTube. Exactly. I'm getting her hooked on this show right here. I love it. This is not what you want her to watch. No, that's true. It's the right move. It's get him started young.

If you want to keep her in your life, don't let her watch this episode. Nick, what's the deal? Are you going out on dates or are you taking this 45 days and just staying abstinent, only having sex with your daughter? Fuck you, Tony. While the daughter's in town, are you going on dates or anything like that? No, I'm just here to visit friends and family, do comedy,

and whatever, go to Disneyland with my kid. That's it. Hey, that's fucking awesome. You're a good daddy. Well, you know what? Absolutely. kid. That's it. Hey, that's fucking awesome. You're a good daddy. Well, you know what? Absolutely.

Here at Kill Tony, we believe in making great things happen, and we actually heard that you wanted to go to Disneyland, so we have actually... We have directions to get you there. Take the five. Our friends over at MapQuest.com printed

them out and sent them to us via the mail. Yes, remember MapQuest? Oh, it's our new sponsor. They're back. You're right. MapQuest.com, printed them out and sent them to us via the mail. Yes, remember MapQuest? Oh, it's our new sponsor. They're back, you're right. Exactly. We have printed pages. We have two-sided printed white loose-leaf pages.

All right, Mike. Nick, it was good to have you on the show. Thank you so much, guys. Thanks, everybody. Good job, Nick. Okay, keeping this fun train moving along, let's put our hands together again for Sean Mayer, everyone. Sean Mayer.

That looks like a new name. Sean Mayer. That looks like a new name. Sean Mayer. There's people in luchador masks out there tonight. Here he comes. One more time for Sean Mayer, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. I'm a horrible person.

I am. Sometimes I like to stand in front of my mirror for hours. Not because I hate myself. And I do hate myself. I'm like an unattractive Leonardo DiCaprio. So basically what Leonardo DiCaprio looks like right now. Oh, burn, burn. No, I look at the mirror for hours at my reflection because I think if I wait long enough, my reflection will move first, and if I catch him in time, he'll grant me a free wish. Do you want to know what I wish for? I wish for a fat Chris Pratt.

That's right. And not just regular fat Chris Pratt. So fat that they got to tear down a wall and roll him out on the set of the next Jurassic Park movie where he's the monster. Rawr! Wow. This is...

This is like Kill Tony live from Arkham Asylum here tonight. This is incredible. By the way, I'd like to say, great set, Jonah Hill. You look like Gene Wilder. Thin Jonah Hill, though. Thank you. I've been working out. I was going to say you looked more like a young Kathy Bates.

She's really good. I like her. This is definitely your first time on the show. I would remember you. You're the first person in the history of this show whose head is shaped like an emoticon. Perfectly round. I love it. You look like Willy Wonka and an Oompa Loompa.

Welcome to the show, Sean. Sean Mayer, that's your name? So close to John Mayer yet so far. It's true. Your complete antithesis, actually. Baby Jeremiah? It looks like he was given one wish and that one wish

was to go in a supermarket and sweep through Old Navy. In the summer. Sean, where are you from? I live up in Portland right now. How long have you been in LA? Wait, really? Portland? Yeah.

No way! Didn't see it coming. No. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I just came in to see a friend. So you're just here for like a week? Mm-hmm. You're shaking profusely.

I'm a little worried about you. I get stage fright. Is that true? How long have you been doing stand-up? A year. A year. Well, you did your vest, you know? You get nervous every time, huh?

Huh? You get nervous every time still? Or Huh? You get nervous every time still? Or is this one especially nervous because you're at the comedy store on the Sunset Strip streaming live globally? Yeah, the legendary. One of the biggest comedians in the country.

One of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Next to him. Yeah, you're next to two babies on stools. Their stakes are so high. So cool. Right, well, I don't want to make you more nervous, but I just found out that the talent booker at the comedy store is watching

from the back of the room right now. Scouting for... Oh yeah, he's actually there too. Yeah, it's crazy. He's not waving, he's just trying to say stop. Yeah, please. I love it. When you wave your hand like that, you look like one of those lucky Asian clocks. And by the way, Teddy Atlas is here and he's furious with you.

So Sean, you've been doing stand-up for like a year. How old are you? 33. 33. That's when Jesus died. So Sean, what made you want to start stand-up at the age of 32? You know, I just wanted to try to make people laugh. He got tired of modeling for Renaissance paintings.

I mean, you've got very funny things. Let's not get it twisted. You have some very solid stuff up there. Thanks. Joel, what did you say? Your bass isn't wonderful. I said he got tired of modeling for Renaissance paintings. Wow.

Incredible. Do you do improv or acting? Yeah, I do some improv. Yeah, and you learned that up in Portland? No, in Dallas. Oh, okay. How long were you in Dallas for? About seven years.

Seven years. Where were you born and raised? About seven years. Seven years. Where were you born and raised? Kansas City. Wow. Kansas City. So you've lived a lot of different places in your life. Yeah, they run me out of town.

Why do you move so much? Why is that? How'd you get from Kansas City to Dallas to Portland? Are you registered or are you just... Oh, to vote or to... Sex offender. Oh, no. I was going with sex offender. I was going...

No. Let me pull out my app and check on this. Sorry, Sean. It's fine. Your parents live in Portland? No, they live in Kansas City. How'd you end up there? I got a job at an animation company up there. An animation company?

You draw? Yeah. I hope not. You're fucking shaky as shit. You draw professionally. What is it? It's a tornado. You can draw an audience to one of your shows. I run their 3D printers up there. Wow, that's so cool.

Hey look, it's a jagged bottle of water. So you're the guy printing all the dicks. Okay. Wow, that's so cool Hey look, it's a jagged bottle of water So you're the guy printing all the dicks Okay Wow, that's incredible, Sean And so What are your goals and dreams? How do you see this whole thing playing out for you? I don't know

I just kind of wake up And then I say, get out of the bed, Sean Go And then see what happens Do you have a girlfriend? No I just kind of wake up and say, get out of bed, Sean, go. And then see what happens. Do you have a girlfriend? No. Male friend, whatever you're into.

It doesn't matter. I'm not anything. I feel you're asexual. I do feel that. When you say you're not anything, what does that mean? He's into osmosis. Osmosis.

What's the last thing that you had sex with? A cantaloupe? Nothing. I'm a virgin. Really? Is that true? I'm okay with it. I'm not ashamed. There's nothing wrong with it, but let's break this spell. Who wants to fuck Sean?

It's Jen Murphy in the audience. It's Jen Murphy in the audience. Do you have a gender preference? Because we can get you either or. We can get you one right down the middle if you want. Have you ever thought about taking your chances and taking off the vest? Oh. Not right now.

I'm self-conscious. Are you? Yeah. So you lay her. But I mean, you don't lay her. No, no, no. So you masturbate a lot? No.

No, you don't even do that No, I take a lot of antidepressants And it cuts down on the sex drive Really? What are you depressed about, buddy? Oh god, I don't know Just anxiety Don't get anxiety, buddy

Wow, what a doctor You just solved his anxiety Thank you so much. You're better than this. Do you ever work out, Sean? You ever go for walks or dogs? No, he doesn't work out. I think he could. He's barely floating right now.

Yeah. I think a lot of people don't realize that anxiety and depression, I don't think we ever talk about it enough on this show. A lot of it is solved by jogging and a simple walk or exercise. Gotcha. You're not going to work out in flip flops? I mean, I would change the flip flops.

Yeah, the shorts flip flop things. You don't want to be on stage in shorts. I mean, he likes his extremities cold but his body warm. Do you give therapy sessions too, Tony? Because that advice was so good as a doctor. Lose the flip-flops and start running, and then anxiety is gone. I've never wanted sudden infant death syndrome on somebody more in my life

than I do right now. You taking shots. And I've never wanted an abortion so bad, so there you go. Okay, well, there we go. It's called a stalemate, folks. Speaking of abortions, Sean, I really want you to find happiness in life.

I'm working on it. I'm worried about you. It's a daily process. You'll be fine. Go out, get out, change the world. That's the way. That's how you got to do it, yeah. But more importantly, change your oil down there.

Get it out of there. You have a bicycle? What? No, God, no. I have a unicycle. Everybody in Portland has a bicycle. Fuck that. But why?

Give them those power assist bicycles assist bicycles are fucking amazing. I like those. What's the most exercise-y type of thing that you ever do? He walked to the stage. What else? I like tap dancing. Partyo? Done.

That's fun. Really? I took a tap dancing class. Are you fucking serious? Can you give us a little example? Can we put a microphone? Not in flip flops. Wait.

No, that's Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. It doesn't work in flip-flops at all. Jeremiah Watkins? Okay, I think he should be depressed, actually. You know, the ironic thing is he's wearing a Fitbit. That is crazy.

My friend bought it for me because he said I needed to get fit. And you're not a bit fit. So you're telling me that the analysis that I made. Wow. The analysis that I made in just a few minutes of meeting you is the same thing that your friends tell you? Yes. Wow.

I'm working on it. Just want to take that moment to acknowledge that I was able to do that. Your friend really bought you that Fitbit and told you to get your fucking life together? Oh. Yeah, that was on the card. He drove me to the store to buy it. Now that's a good friend. Wow.

I love it, Sean. And he made you walk home. Will you come back again? Will you sign up for Kill Tony when we bring it to Portland again, too? Well, there you go. There you go. Sean Mayer, everybody. Sean Mayer. We did it again.

Yeah, yeah. We did great. That was great. It's a Y. Yeah. All right. So here on Kill Tony, you know, we have a listenership that spans the globe. And I'm just going to come out and make an announcement right now that I think is going to shock a lot of fans of this show. For the last few months, we have had an amazing run with our first ever male, our first ever African-American, our first ever regular that was an African-American male.

His name was Malcolm Hatchet. And no, he didn't die. He's still alive, but he has moved on. Can you just call him Black? It's very insulting with the African-American thing. It feels weird. Black dude, what are you going to go with? Anyway, so unfortunately, a huge announcement here.

Malcolm Hatchet will no longer be the regular on this show. Yes, he is moving on from being a regular. We'll see Malcolm perhaps on some special appearances here and there. So it's been a great run. If you message him on social media or anything tell him how much you love him don't be a weird hater troll and it's not diabetes either follow him for the rest of his life

we still love him and believe in him and we're very proud of the work that we've all done together with Malcolm on this show now with that said what do you say we do something a little fun in his place for tonight why don't we bring up someone who we've fallen in love with on this show. Someone who became

an instant fan favorite and a huge favorite of the entire cast of this show. Very, very wacky, interesting, silly, smart, well-executing type of comedian. He's one of my favorite people to watch nowadays. Make some noise for, let's get a new minute

from the great William Montgomery. Let's see, is he here? Is he here? Oh, wow, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Come on, everyone. It's William Montgomery. So I've been performing exorcisms down at the Indian Reservation.

Why are you looking at me? Wrong Indian. In New Delhi. The cold break out. You're cracking the cold rules of life. in New Delhi. The code breaker! You're cracking the code! That's a movie I just finished. It's about an American code breaker that goes down to Jamaica

to crack the biggest code Jamaica's ever seen. And in the middle of him cracking the code, there's a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around, and it's a Jamaican man, and he's like, The code breaker! You're cracking the code! Oh, my!

So I'm Chris Kringle's younger brother, Matt Kringle. Go ahead, finish it. I'm a member of a satanic church called the Church of the Secret Serpents. All right, William Montgomery with a new minute. Hell yeah. How's it going, William Montgomery with a new minute. Hell yeah. How's it going, William?

It's been a week since we've seen you last. I know. It's been a good week. We're getting even closer to Christmas, and I'm just reminded every single day as we get closer to Christmas of my buddy Dillard Butler back at Presbyterian Day School telling me Santa wasn't real. Fucking Dillard.

How long did he tell you that for? I feel like by the looks of you, it was probably college. It was. I was still at Larry and Francis' house getting gifts under the tree and one day at the coffee shop, Dillard was like, hey, William, I don't get it.

Do you believe in Santa? And I said, what are you talking about? And he said, he's not real. Who told you Santa Claus was real? Your parents?

Yes. Yeah. And you believe them? Are your parents still together, by the way? The mirror. They are. William, William, stick with me over here. Are your parents still together?

They are. They are. How long have they been married? Larry and Francis. Let's give it up for 25 years, y'all. How old are you? I am 31. You're 31.

So they waited until you were six before getting married. You were one of those little flower boys, huh? I was. We had an old lady that lived next door to us at St. Nick. I've lived in three different houses. The old lady at St. Nick. I'd walk out the door and she'd be like, oh, there's the flower boy.

lady at St. Nick, I'd walk out the door and she'd be like, oh, there's the flower boy. She was a gentle soul. I feel like there's pictures of you out there somewhere, six years old, dropping the flowers on the middle hallway thing with your beard. At six with the beard. Yeah. Little ginger beard. At six with the beard. Yeah. Little ginger beard. I'm going back to Memphis between the 23rd and 27th

and I'm going to have to... Of this month? Yes, for Christmas. I'm going to have to freshen up. If my mother Frances right now could see me with this gut and this beard and this hair, it'd be a nightmare.

Tell her you're just being festive. I know. Tell her you auditioned for a Santa Claus role and you didn't get it. How are you going to change the gut in so fast? Like a girdle? That's why he said he auditioned for it. He grew it for this fucking movie

and then he didn't get the role. Come up with a good Hollywood story. Good. Good talk. William, are you going to trim the beard before going back home to Memphis? I think so. That's my plan. Yeah.

How are you going to do that? Are you going to do that yourself? I am going to find the closest Fantastic Sams. They are fantastic. Man, interesting. That's fucking crazy. Huh. Well, William, it looks like you're already really ready for the holidays.

You seem dressed to the nines. You know, William has been on the show, how many times do you think it's been now? Four or five, including San Francisco? I would guess five. And, yeah, and we've always loved you. Everybody's sort of raving about you I think there's a lot of mumbles in the system and everything like

that about you know murmurs of how much people love you and I know that the entire cast of this show loves you and we've never had anything quite like it on this show before and I guess I guess what I'm sort of asking is would you be interested in being the new regular here on Kill Tony?

I would love to. Yeah? Well, then, ladies and gentlemen, that makes it official. Your new regular is William Montgomery, everybody. Hell yeah. There you go. Wow. That's confetti.

We got confetti cannons for this occasion. Forget all Billy Monty. I just want to give a shout out to my hater cracker barrel kid, 55. He talks so much shit about me on YouTube. If you're watching this, you spineless piece of shit. I hope you fucking like what you're watching this, you spineless piece of shit. I hope you fucking like what you're seeing! Because I'm sick

of it! It's almost Christmas! I'm about to see Dillard Modler! That's what the fuck I'm talking about. And that's just a taste of what... Thank you.

Perhaps we could be having that much fun every single week. Oh, my God, so fun. You know, William is one of the purest funny men that we've had on this show. So pure, healthy, clean. Reminds me of infinite CBD that offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest form of cbd available it's become even more popular and you're seeing it everywhere because

the stuff works it gives you the benefits of marijuana without getting high and i personally use the uh the pm pills and the melatonin cbd to go to sleep at night it's actually really helping me a lot i used a lot of it last night actually i cleaned out of all death squad studios and like it took like five hours to move it into this thing while we fixed the roof. And I was so sore, came home, put a bunch of CBD all over my body, felt good. I'm telling you, this stuff works, and it's legal absolutely everywhere. Did you know, Russell, that 42% of CBD users have stopped using traditional medicines? Why, I did not know that, Tony.

And they have a full range of products from gummies to capsules to topical creams. And our favorite, they locked us down quick because we actually believe in their product. Where can I get this? Yeah, InfiniteCBD.com. They've got a lot of products that will improve your life and for December only. If you use the promo code TONY15

you get 30% off. Normally it's 50% off. So stock up for next year. Buy some gifts for people that you love and care about. Once again, that's InfiniteCBD.com. Promo code TONY15 for 30% off in the month of December. Russell, have you used CBD before? I could use some tonight.

You got any here? Yeah, we might have some. I'll use some tonight. We got some in the back. We also have a vendor-sponsored friend, our friends over at Speedweed, that carry products like that. He's right over there.

There he is. He's right over there. Shout out to Gino. Yes, Baby Jeremiah is something he wants to goo-goo-ga-ga about. Yeah, I think we need to talk to the person who chose the placement of ads in this episode. Seemed to work absolutely perfectly to me, but...

It's our new regular plug. Yeah, that's right. Maybe I'll do it like your podcast and not put the ads where the most people are listening and watching. All right. Jeremiah wonders if you guys want to cross over. They do. They do. They do want to cross over.

I'm a little concerned I've never done your podcast. I'd love for you to do my podcast. You've never asked. Wow, what a great time to ask that question. Could have asked that after the show. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Actually, this is crazy. This is very, very special.

This young man has helped us with every single episode of this show. Very rarely does he sign up. Normally when only we have guests on that he thinks can help his career. But no, he's actually literally one of my favorite comedians in the world. Truly a monster

comedian. One of the best features. He goes on the road with me a lot. He's a fucking beast. He's a paid regular here at the store. Helps produce Kill Tony. Make some noise for one of my best friends. It's Josh Martin. He's signed up. Pulled out of the bucket. Yeah.

Hey, guys. This is not my natural voice. My voice is much better now because I've been going to therapy and see a sweet therapist to fix my shit, and it's been a double-edged sword because now I can speak correctly, but there was words I could never say

that now I can say, and I fucking was words I could never say that now I can say and I fucking love it. For the first time in my life, I'm able to say retarded correctly. And a lot of people say, Josh, you can't say that word. It's offensive to mentally ill people. And I don't give a fuck.

I fucking love that word. For the first time in my life, I understand people who love their guns. And they're like, the only way you take this gun from me is over my cold, dead body. I feel the same way about retarded. Like, I'll be in my deathbed, and my family will be all around me. And I'm like, come closer. and my family will be all around me,

and I'm like, come closer. And they'll be right here at my face, and then I'll just point to my youngest son and be like, retard. And then just die. We all have dreams. There you go. Joshua Martin. This guy's a monster.

It's great. I still couldn't understand you, Josh. You know, only the special people can. Do you mean retarded? No, I'm talking about the Jews. Whoa, Jesus Christ.

Not for them. So, Josh, how long have you been doing stand up comedy now what seven and a half years it's gotta be more than that how long have you been doing it when I met you here six months maybe

and a fun fact that was before Kill Tony started. I was hosting the original room one night, and I saw him go up there. He looked exactly like he does now. I think he had a backpack and a notebook with him, something like that, right? Yeah, backpack, notebook. Much worse speech impediment, by the way. Way worse.

He couldn't even say the word. He was calling it retarded when I first met him. I wrote so many jokes when I first started with the word retarded in it. And then after finally forcing myself to listen to it, I realized I couldn't say it correctly. So I lost my entire act within like nine months of doing stand-up. It's incredible. Aren't you grateful? You know, I feel like if I could have said it Seven and a half years ago

I would have the best retarded joke Ever You should revisit it I think you might have One of the best retarded jokes out there right now This is the issue Is that now that I can say it correctly I'm only writing retarded jokes

It's all I'm writing about. Have you written a retarded dick-sucking joke yet? No, but I did write a joke about I don't understand why all retarded women have giant-ass titties. Wow, is that true? It's true. They do. They have a KFC next to where I live, and I eat there like once a week. First of all, stop bragging, but go on.

I don't want to brag, but high-quality KFC. And they have a group of mentally ill adults, retarded adults. Wow. Who hang out with their caretaker at this KFC. And you go at the same time as the special people go every day? Are you one of the retarded people, Josh? Is that the $2 Tuesday plan? No, that's Pop-Ox.

Do you like Cheerios? No. So you just go to this KFC and stare at these retards' chicken buckets the whole time? No, I look at their chicken buckets. You mean their tits? Yeah, that's exactly. That actually is the joke that I made.

That's what I was talking about. He ruined it, but it's good. It's like bumping mice. He gets a bucket of just breasts. What I love about it is that they drink Capri Suns. But they're all adults. They're all in their late 20s, early 30s.

What is the general weekly retarded order? They have their own lunchbox. Wait, they pack a lunchbox? They bring a lunchbox. Their caretaker eats KFC. She's a large black woman

with big tits, just not retarded. Just not retarded. Just not retarded. And I stare at her too. See, you go get the KFC once a week. I eat a two-piece and then I just stare at tits. And I'm like, this is way better than porn. Do you order breasts? No, I get a thigh.

I'm more of an ass guy. Wow. Yet you still stare at the tits. You know, if it's available. But last time, this was like a month ago, they were there, and there was these two, one dude, one woman, and they were all horned up the entire time. Really? I can't see. Just to clarify, are these retards or regular people?

Retards. Okay, good. These retards are all horny as fuck. You can be retarded and horny. I did not know this. I've heard of some of the hornies. All retards get horny at KFC. It's actually a book by Judy Blume.

Dear God, are you there? It's me, the retarded, horny one. You know what can cure a retard from being really horny? Infinite CBD. Rub it on your body at any moment, and it'll calm down the area. Oh, I swear to God. You know, CBD gives you the benefits of marijuana without getting high.

You ever jerk off at the KFC? No. Your hands are greasy enough to lube it, so it's perfect. You're like, oh, this is finger-licking good. It doesn't turn me on at all. So there's this couple, and they're all horned up, touching each other. He was straight up going after those tits. Yeah, and then what happened?

Wait, can you show us? Because I picture it like normal. I don't see any tits. But what's the retard grope? It's very aggressive. A lot stronger, yeah. Honestly, it's like that. And she just grabs his dick.

Oh, my God. And then I'm like, I got to go. Jerk off right now. You didn't watch it? I jerked. I had to. You did. You went and jerked off. Yeah, but... I don't want to see your you porn history. I'm not

a you porn guy. I'm an ex-hamster guy. I do like ex-hamster. Ex-hamster's good. I watched some amazing porn recently on the ex-hamster. What was it? It was not what I was expecting. It was a white guy. He was laying a...

You weren't expecting a white guy? No. I only saw the picture, so this is why I clicked on it. I didn't even read the description. Yeah, but if you put your icon over it, it reviews it. I know. I just saw the picture. I'm like, I have to watch this.

It was... It ended up being just a... I mean, I think. It ended up being a white guy laying a Confederate flag towel on the bed. So I thought it was going to be like a white power porn. Like, fuck black people. We're going to fuck on this towel. But it ended up being him just laying the towel.

It just ended up being him laying the towel. And then he jerked off while watching a black guy fuck his wife on that towel. It ended up being cuckold. I guess at that point you can lay down the Confederate flag. I was like, you know what? This is making America great again. Let's do this shit. Wow, I don't get that part at all.

They were definitely from where William Montgomery is from. I would have had the black guy put it on his dick and fly it at half-mast, right? It would still be bigger. Is it too soon for Confederate flag jokes in this room? Never too soon. Josh, that was a very, very fun performance. Way to go for it.

There he is, Josh Martin. He's on Twitter at JoshMartinComic. Thanks, Joshy. Tony, can I? What do you think? Do you think we can squeeze one more up here? Let's do a quick one. You guys want to do one more?

Hey, Tony. Tony. Tony, since it's the holiday season, I just want to publicly thank Josh for all his help every week. He helps the band out so much, and he doesn't get the credit. There you go. One more hand for Josh Martin, everybody. We love you, Josh.

We do love him. We do love him. We do love him. I went deep in the bucket this time. Oh, my God. This is crazy. The last time this guy was on, we actually – this is probably – this is going to be a rough one. The last time this guy was on, he was very negative.

He was very mean to me. It seems like he really doesn't like me at all. He accused me of being a Sprite salesman. Is this your father? He has only been on this show one time. We've been somehow been avoiding this for a while. Make some noise for Go.

Here he is. Here he is. Oh, yeah. Come on. It's your last comedian of the night, people. Make some noise for Go. Let's give him a chance. Got some funk in here tonight. We got a little funk.

Crackers in the house. I'm Irish, and I'm from Iowa. I'm a cracker with a hard R. I like crackers. Cracker gives you a spectrum. You can be a saltine cracker. You can be a Ritz cracker with a hard R. I like crackers. Cracker gives you a spectrum. You can be a saltine cracker. You can be a Ritz cracker. Fuck, you can throw some Nutella on that cracker.

It all works for me. I don't like white. White just makes it a binary choice. Get a little wild with it. Get a little funky. Pale works. Even Kanye can wake up feeling a little pale. I'm the palest motherfucker you ever did see Well, I'm so pale you can see through me

Just one funky no-ass hillbilly I might be the palest Cracker, peckerwood, white trash, hanging around the bowling alley too late at night, pinch of gringo, that you ever did see. Thank you. Wow. There you go.

Go, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Is it true that you eat a Kentucky Fried Chicken every week? Oh, that's low. That's low, Tony. Cracker low. Hey, in all fairness, he's an aggressive tit grabber. Go,

I like the creativity. You're taking chances. The only thing I don't get, Go, is that you're really not that pale, and you're talking about being pale. It seems like you have some good, healthy sun to you. You're just talking about being white overall? Well, I think the Irish thing, the Irish and the white thing, that was kind of weird. To me, growing up, the white guys were always the tight asses, the money grubbers, the bougie people.

Yeah, and what were the black people, just to remind us? The people that I got along with, usually. All right. You all can exhale there. I like that you said Irish and and white like irish is not white uh yeah that's how that came about was a weird fucking kind of uh a couple motherfuckers getting sold out to fox news with the whole ales with uh o'reilly and hannity and stuff that wow that's part of you looks like you you look like you still listen to every episode of Alex Jones. This is incredible.

Black helicopters. You know who Roger Ailes is, Tony? Yes, of course I do. He's not a figment of anybody's imagination. If you think that's some sort of weird, not a game, then okay, I'll go with it. No, it's all good. You trying to start shit again, Go? No, I'll go there.

I'll go there. I'll go there. I wish a motherfucker would. Baby Jeremiah. It's all love, Tony. It's all love, you bougie. Anyway. You fucking Sprite salesman.

You almost did it again, you son of a bitch. Go. Why do you like to take shots at me all the time when you're up here? It is kind of funny. Somebody's got to do it. I mean, everybody comes up and kisses your ass, and you're not Carlin yet. You know, I'm just trying to push you to your better self, you know? Jesus Christ.

I mean, I would agree that I'm not Carlin yet as well. It's not really that big of a diss. I like that yet is a prospect. Your perspective. I'm giving you something. Baby Jeremiah. You created something pretty cool

and you helped out some great people. I mean, the William thing is like, that's really next level thinking because William's doing something that is, seriously, William's doing something that's like, what William thing is like, that's really next level thinking because William's doing something that is, seriously, William's doing something that's like, what the fuck is that? Oh, kiss my ass some more. Well, I just, yeah, whoever.

All right, well, Baby Jeremiah? I think OK's name is short for, OK, we're done here. His name's Go. Go. This episode brought to you by Infinite CBD. Wow. Go, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? I started comedy in 87.

Wow. You've been doing it the whole time? No, I did it for about five years and then I guess I cracked. Yeah, you did. What do you mean? When you cracked, what does that mean? What happened? It's just I... Stopped. I got some shit going on and then a lot of things

fell through. Anything you're willing to talk with us about? Seems like that's the most interesting stuff. Don't tell. I got pretty depressed and withdrawn and I was fairly well known in the Twin Cities. Which ones? It kind of sucks when you get a degree

in notoriety and then you go out and you just don't have your life anymore. People will recognize you. Gonzalez, Gonzo, or whatever. It used to be Gomez Oprey was who I was. Was your stage name? Yeah. What did he tend to talk about? It was kind of hooky.

Kind of what you would expect. Gomez Oprey. Bailey's in tequila. Drinking a Corona with a wedge of potato in the top. Wait, so you pretended to be a Mexican? Well, I was actually... My dad died when I was young, and I was raised by Mexicans, but it's Spanish before the Irish. We know how Mexicans were made.

You ever play the drums before? I's Spanish before the Irish. We know how Mexicans were made, yeah. You ever play the drums before? I do not play the drums. Wow, that would have been the greatest Mexican drum off ever. How about a guitar off with him and Patty? That's Chroma Chris over there. Sorry, my fault.

I can't tell you people. Okay. And yeah, Chroma already, I think Chroma's got it. I don't think his guitar is... Well, I'm sure he's missing one fucking thing, but... Yeah, talent. I think he's got a few broken strings. Yeah, that's good stuff.

Go, can you tell us anything else interesting about your past lives that we might find compelling? I had to have gone from the country once. Which one? To Ireland. From this country to Ireland. Why'd you leave? Because somebody I was doing business with fucked up

and people were asking questions. Like asking questions like, where's my money? I mean, we're asking questions. Where do you like, where's my money? I mean, we're asking questions. Where do you think you're going to go from here? You're going to go to Ireland? Because we're going to be there Valentine's Day, February 14, 2019, in Dublin. And then we go straight to Manchester and London.

I was somewhere in the chain of distribution for distributing a certain product in the Midwest and some people went down and then they were Wow, this reminds me of the movie Desperado if he was homeless. Yeah. Can't get any more Desperado than that. And then what happened?

I just lived in Europe for six months and then came back and all was forgotten. So if shit ever goes down, grab your passport, get on a plane, and go to a fucking country and just hang out for six months. Let me ask you a question, Code, because you seem a little paranoid about something. I think that's the word I'm looking for. What do you think is going to happen? If you had to guess.

Oh, this was a long time ago. But I noticed you mentioned if you ever have to go, grab your passport and go. And you said something about Roger Ailes. That sounds like a like a great out in the 80s. I don't think you're ever going to be harder these days. Yeah, a little bit. I guess here's what I'm asking. Go.

If there is sort of a crazy conspiracy theory that or something like that that you think might happen or could possibly happen that you think mainstream people don't think could happen or anything like that, what would that be? Well, I'd say that this creation, this construct of whiteness, that people kind of gave up their past or whatever to become this white mesh of people that really don't have a past, that it's easy to manipulate people when they lose their past. It is true. And I'm not giving up my fucking Irish. I'm sorry.

That would be DMB for going for the Dave Matthews band. I mean, I've got 5,000 years of Celtic history and stuff. Me too. Hashtag me too. I agree. A lot of people don't know this, but I'm extremely Italian, and the Italian people were treated very horribly when they came over. How did you get Hinchcliffe, then?

Well, because I had older brothers and sisters that my mom had from a different dad. My mom was slutting around, basically, is what happened. She was just fucking... So you're only half a guinea. Well, my mom's Italian, too, but she's just not like 100%, 110% like my dad is. My dad's so Italian, he owns an Italian restaurant. Olive Garden? Yes.

Yeah! Well, go. Thank you so much for coming on this show again. I know last time you were on, we didn't quite see eye to eye, and I'm glad that you, like many of my favorite people, sign up and come back again.

And don't let one rough set hold you down. You're a real comic. Thank you. There he goes. Go, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at YouGotWisdom. Josh Martin's at JoshMartinComic. Daniel Moquin's got nothing.

Lisa's little cute paw, Mitch Brown. I'm Daniel Valdez, all one word. Sean.Mayer, M-A-Y-E-R. And Hollywood Jokers, my guest. Hey, look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebald. All the prints are at ryanjebald.com. Every single episode he draws live in person during live episodes of the show. No episode next week or the week after.

Very important for you Die Hard Kill Tony fans. I know. I tried my hardest, but they're giving the amazing Comedy Store staff some well deserved time off. And very, very exciting because we love the Comedy Store. How about a hand for the Comedy Store?

We've been doing this for over five and a half years now. And yeah, we're back January 7th. I'm trying to uh i don't have anybody official booked yet but i will tell you right now some of people on my january dream list uh joey diaz joe rogan gets sagura kreischer back in here we're gonna figure out the exact dates i'm gonna book everybody in the next couple weeks and our new regular william montgomery william montgomery And your regular William Montgomery. William Montgomery will be here in 2019. So that's a really big deal.

Russell Peters is going on, of course, a world tour again. Does it every year. We got some stuff happening. RussellPeters.com. He's on Instagram and social media, at Russell Peters. That is I. All one word. R-U-S-S-E-L-L-P-E-T-E-R-S.

Correct. So how about we give a hand one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Yeah! Jeremiah has the amazing show Jeremiah Wonders. This week's episode's special for me because it's one of my funniest best friends, the great Benji Aflalo, another guy who I fell in love with very early on in my career and was like, man, this guy's got a lot of fucking potential and capabilities, and just like Jeremiah and a few other of my friends,

they've blown my mind with what they've done, creating shows and whatnot. What else, Jeremiah? You're going to expect Russell Peters as a guest on my podcast soon? I'll be doing Jeremiah Wonders. When? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? No, noonders when? tomorrow Wednesday? Wednesday's good that easy you know who we didn't hear from all night tonight another one of the fans immediate favorites they're crazy for this guy right now how about a hand for the guitar playing of Chroma Chris

Chris what did you think of tonight's episode? It was great, Tony. There was a lot of great deliveries tonight. Oh, because you're a fucking baby. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh?

Joel's on social media, mostly sorry. It's official. He's coming to Dublin, Manchester, and London with us. Or is he? Yeah. Can he fit into a checked bag? Find out more February 14th live

from Dublin. Or is Mitch Brown going? I can't wait to hear the Joel Berg chants with an accent. It's going to be great. Fuck yeah. It's going to be crazy. I'm so excited. Thank you to Robin Hood. Make sure you go check out that app if you're interested in. Free Apple stock.

Just do it for the Apple stock. It's an investing app. And they help you. And it's easy to understand. Infinite CBD, if that gives you too much anxiety. And Genius Pipe, if you miss the effects of THC with your CBD. That's right. Yes. Also, we're. Also, in the next

couple weeks, there's a new Reagan and Watkins music video dropping with a very special guest star in it. Look out for that. The album drops hopefully in February. Shout out to at RockinBPins. The letter B there. RockinBPins. No G in Rockin.

Rockin. R-O-C-K-I-N-B-P-I-N-S. He makes the most unbelievable, coolest pins. I said penis. No, pins. P-I-N-S. P-I-N-S. And D pins. They make the greatest diapers.

I just like my P-I-N-S. And there's Kill Tony shirts out in the lobby, some Death Squad shirts. Check it out. See you guys. That's right. Hey, how about one more time for Russell Peters? Thank you, live audience, for coming out. We love you.

Thank you. Good night. Good night. We're going to take a picture real quick. Thank you so much. Sorry. We love you. Thanks for watching! Thank you.