KILL TONY - KILL TONY #318 - RALEIGH

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/10/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode available to download, and you also have video portions to this show.

Click on Tour Dates to come see us live. Not only do we do a comedy story every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are on the road. We are coming to Phoenix January 26th. February 14th, we'll be in Ireland. February 15th, we'll be in Manchester. February 16th, we'll be in Ireland. February 15th will be in Manchester. February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Philadelphia.

Now check all these different venues because we also are doing a lot of comedy shows here too. So your mileage may vary. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website, ryanjebelt.com. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And that's ryanjebelt.com.

And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have some Kill Tony shirts left, but they're going fast. We got some Death Squad shirts, mugs, and hats. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Goodnight's Comedy Club for our brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Raleigh, North Carolina, make some fucking noise. Jesus. Wow. What a fucking beautiful sounding room this is tonight. Brian Redman is here. What's up, guys?

Wow. How fucking exciting is here. What's up, guys? Wow. How fucking exciting is this? This is one of the good ones, huh? Oh my god. This is our first time ever in Raleigh, North Carolina. You guys sound very exciting. Are we saying that right? Raleigh. Yeah, we're saying it right

finally. It took us months to figure it out. This is very exciting. This is the first stop on our 2019 Raleigh. Yeah, we're saying it right finally. It took us months to figure it out. Yeah. This is very exciting. This is the first stop on our 2019 Kill Tony World Tour, everyone. We are going to Dublin, Ireland, Manchester, England, London, England. Could be adding new shows. Stay tuned for the next episode to find out if we're adding more European Kill Tony shows.

This show is sold out as a motherfucker. We are live from the basement of Inglorious Bastards. This is a scary, tight little brick room. I feel like this could be... We might not make it to Europe, Brian. We might not. I'm pretty sure we're all gonna run

out of oxygen any minute. This is like being in a coffin underground with 300 people. Interrogation lights, or whatever they call them. Yes. Interrogation lights or whatever they call them. Interrogation. Very good, Brian. Very big word for you. This early in the show.

The English buffs on the right side of the room seem to fucking love it. They're very proud of you. Interrogation. Interrogation. Riley. You know, but it's easy to slip up words sometimes. You know, the anxiety, the stress, right? Did you know with infinite CBD, they offer the purest form of CBD available.

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So when we got to the hotel, we got out some CBD oil and put it all over his back. We rubbed each other down. Yeah. Nothing sexual. Uh-uh. It was just. No. Total friendship.

Yeah. Total friendship. But it worked. It's true. It's not like. You know, you can go to the store and get prescription medicine or stuff or has all these chemicals and stuff in it, but CBD is natural.

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Hello. You can't smoke it. No, don't smoke it. No, don't do that. And a quick shout-out to our friends over at betdsi.com. You can use the promo code KILL120 so that they know that we sent you. It's amazing. You make a deposit.

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Bet on some games. Have some fun. That's it. You guys ready to start this episode or what? Here we are. We're live. That's the podcast part. Let me just make mention for you audio-only listeners of the show that this is the first time we've ever had a gigantic vagina to pull the names out of. This is Governor Pat McCrory's vagina tonight.

Instead of a bucket of destiny. Someone told me that that's an asshole in North Carolina that you guys would recognize. Did that work? This angry goth girl in the front is not having any fun whatsoever. Holy shit. Wow. The angry scowl I just got from this one. If someone dipped Miley Cyrus in gasoline, I like this. This is a bumping ass room. Hell yeah. You can tell she's the girlfriend. The boyfriend's the super

fan. He's like, just shut up. Enjoy yourself. Don't you fucking ruin this for me. God damn it. She likes to fuck, but she has no sense of humor. It's so true. I can tell by the way he's looking back at me. I nailed it. Alright.

So, but before we start tonight's show, you know, unfortunately here we are restricted. There was not enough room for a fucking drum set anywhere up here, but luckily for you all, Raleigh, ladies and gentlemen, we did bring some of the band. And they are the best damn band in the land.

I present to you the band leader, roast battle, kill Tony's own, the one and only, Jeremiah Watkins. Every single episode, they do different. Oh, we know this guy. No way. No way. No way. It's the return of Cat Burglar. Wow. This is amazing.

One of the most famous characters in the show's history. Every single episode, I never know what he's going to do or what he's going to be, but this is a legendary character. Raleigh, I don't know if you know how lucky you are. Wow. Cat burglar. Now, cat burglar, before we go into the show, I got to ask you, you are a very famous character on this show. In fact, you're the only one. A few weeks ago, I was retweeting and helping promote. You're the first ever character on the show to have your own T-shirt.

Someone was selling Cat Burglar T-shirts. Was that me knowing about it? Yes. Well, you're hot on this scene. What do you got in your hand? I killed the man and brought him here to North Carolina. Hey, oh, oh, he didn't sell out. There's going to be some of those available after the show. I bought them all, Cat Burglar. That's the catch with not knowing what he's going to be or do every episode. There you go. The Cat Burglar shirt's available after the show,

and Cat Burglar is going to be with us all episode. Hey, what's that bag you have? That looks like the hotel. I stole the hair dryer from the hotel. Oh, my God. Cat Burglar. Oh, you my god. Cat burglar. Oh, you really are a cat burglar. Wow.

So a cat burglar is going to be on stage with us the whole goddamn time. This is very exciting. I have a giant vagina filled with names of people that signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage and then go through a little bit of an interview with me and Red Band and the cat burglar here.

So anything can happen. I love these road shows because it's usually more organic, sometimes wilder, more intriguing characters that you don't normally get with people that have escaped to Los Angeles. So I'm really, really excited to see who we meet here tonight. Who knows? Perhaps the, perhaps, okay. I'm not even. By the way, the stairs to get on the stage are right over there.

There's only one set of stairs. So if you get called, go that way. Yes. Caution, kitty has claws. Yes. Do not bump into Jeremiah. Go straight up to the mic. Your time starts when you get up there.

And you know it ends when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up or else you're gonna bring out the angry North Carolina panther. Hey! There's a bear. He made it here. You guys ready to start this motherfucking thing or what?

Live from Raleigh, North Carolina. Here we go. Anything can happen. Around and around my hand goes. Where it stops? Right about now. The Funk Soul Brother. Check it out now. Your first comedian going on stage tonight, getting an uninterrupted

60 seconds. Could very well be his first time ever doing stand-up. He might be a 20-year veteran that's never ever left Raleigh, North Carolina. You never know. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Andrew Green. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Andrew Green. How's that possible? Oh, he's coming. He's coming. He was in the holding tank. Here we go. Andrew Green. Wow. Watch out, waitress. Hell yeah. Live show. What's up? Who's angry about the new Grinch movie? Stupid. I just wish they like, they would change it up a little bit, you

know? Like, I would get rid of your Amin one, Mr. Grinch, and replace it with the Who soundtrack, because if there was a bar in Whoville, it would just be the Who greatest hits all the time, reminiscing about Jim Carrey. He's like, uh, I remember the old Grinch movie. You know, then I would change the holiday. Change it from the Grinch stealing Christmas to the Grinch stealing Memorial Day. And he goes to soldiers' funerals and steals the bodies. But he returns the bodies. This is a kid's movie.

He returns the bodies, you know. But then he has to convince the police that he didn't have sex with the bodies. And that's when the real climax of the movie is it's just like an awkward car ride to the police station with Bob O'Reilly playing I just ran down the stage

I feel tired hell yeah Andrew Green there you go Andrew Green, there you go. Yeah, okay. Andrew Green. You're working here right now, aren't you? I just saw you in the kitchen.

You're the one that said the words Pat McCrory when I came to the kitchen and goes, hey, who's an asshole who I could say this is their vagina? And you said Governor Patrick McCrory. And then I said McCrory, and you go Google it. You remember that? So you're the first one pulled out of the bucket. If you're working here right now and you signed up, how could it possibly have taken you that long to get to this stage?

I was upstairs cleaning. Where were you cleaning? Upstairs. I was upstairs cleaning. Where were you cleaning? Upstairs? I was cleaning the bar. There's a bar upstairs? Yeah, I was wiping down the bar. Then I heard Brandy scream, Andrew!

Brandy's the manager. Make some noise for Brandy, everybody. She just hid. She just hid behind the curtain when I said make some noise. Andrew, how long have you been on stand-up? About a year.

Wow. Okay. How old are you? 25. 25. Wow. You don't look a day over a Jack White with leukemia.

How long have you been working here? About, like, two years. Two years. So you were working here a year, and you realized, you know what? I could fucking do this shit. I hate the Grinch who stole Christmas so fucking much. I'm just going to put all my energy into that. Do you have any non-Gringe material, or are you just straight up the Grinch comedian?

I have Monsters, Inc. Yeah. Oh, wow. Very good. Hell yeah. Do you have any Garfield material? Do you? Do I what? I did it.

You can't hear through all those calyx. Never mind. It's a hair joke. Cat burglar? Do you have a question? I can't hear the cat burglar. So, Andrew, what do you do for fun out here in Raleigh? This is where you're born and raised?

Yeah. Yeah? I just go to bars, I guess, when I'm not working. Yeah. Not much. You drink a lot? Not so much anymore. What am I, your mom?

Come on. What are we talking about? What do you mean anymore? So you used to drink a lot? You're 25, Andrew. I love that you're talking to me like a Vietnam vet right now. I don't drink as much as I used to.

Oh, you know. Oh, shit. Anyway. I like what he is wearing. All black. Yeah. So, Andrew, how much do you drink now, on average?

If you had to give us just a ballpark of what you drink in a night, like what's your favorite kind of drink? I like gin and tonics. Wow. I didn't realize you were a divorcee in her 40s. Yeah. So gin and tonic, how many of those will you plow through tonight if you had to guess? Probably, I probably won't get any. I'll probably just get like PBR

or something. Probably some cheap I feel like it just What the fuck? What the fuck happened to this big tough drinking buddy that I thought I was making a minute ago? I'm probably just gonna have a old can of beer. What's the most you think

you ever drank in one night, Andrew Green? Maybe like 16 or so beers. Jesus Christ. 28. Alright, Andrew. Well, I mean,

other than drinking, maybe there's something else. Do you have any special skills or talents? You look like you play a lot of computer games or video games, right? You have the skin tone of someone that spends a lot of time doing something indoors. Am I close to right on any of this?

You have an entire planet on The Sims or something like that? No. Fortnite. What was the last thing you stole? You have an entire planet on The Sims or something like that? No. Fortnite. What was the last thing you stole? Clearly, it was not a personality. I got enough.

Come on, give us another hobby, Andrew. There's got to be something more to you. Swatch. I sound boring. I work all Swatch. I sound boring. I work all the time. I work here. I work in the morning. Dude, I got news for you, Jeff Bezos. I got news for you, but you're not really working all the time.

He needs to pick up a third job, and that is working on himself. There's got to be something more to it. What do you do when you're at home? I hang out with my roommates. How many roommates do you have?

I have four. How do you have four roommates if you're 25 and you were born and raised in Raleigh? Four roommates. Is it a mansion? No. An apartment? No, it's a small house. How much is your share

per month? I want to know. I pay like 300 a month. Oh my gosh. So nice. Why do I feel like we are interrogating Brendan Bassey

from Making a Murderer right now? I believe we are. Yeah. I believe we are interrogating Brendan Dassey from Making a Murderer right now. I believe we are. Yeah. I believe we are. He's a lot like Brendan Dassey because neither one of them killed. And they're... Well, all right.

And they both hate the cringe for some reason. All right, Andrew. Well, you got the party started for us. I'm pretty sure it's time for you to go finish wiping off that bar upstairs. There he goes, Andrew Green, everybody. And that's how it works. Have you guys seen A Star is Born? That was shallow.

Is that your way of saying that you think the last comedian should hang himself? Isn't that what happened in that movie? Am I right? Spoiler. Wow. Alright, here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Riley Murphy. Riley Murphy. Oh, here we go.

Here he is. One more time for Riley Murphy, everyone. Hey, how's it going? Any ECU fans out there? Any Pirates? Purple! Yeah, ECU, man. That's a great place.

If you made it out there with a degree, it's a miracle. It's the home of Penny Liquor and Penny Draft Night, which is pretty crazy. It's the only place where it makes more financial sense for the students to go to the bar rather than stay at home and drink. My friend Mark would go out with three dollars and he'd be able to get wasted all night.

Kind of like one of those stories that your grandpa would tell you. Back in my day, we'd go out with three silver dollars to the saloon and be able to get wasted all night and then go out for a steak dinner afterwards. Yeah, pretty good place. My friend Will, he was a finance major. He asked me one time, do I have any pickup lines? Can I finish? Alright, that's how that works.

You want to finish it? Yeah, yeah. He asked me, do I have any pickup lines? And I said, not really, but you're a finance major. If you go to the bar, say, hey, girl, you in my finance class? Because you fine as hell. It never worked. It never worked.

Ghostbusters. It didn't work. All right, Riley, we know it didn't work. You don't have to do commentary for it. Nobody does commentary for their own fights. Like, oh, I'm taking damage right now. We know it didn't work. Cat Burglar?

Yes, why does he look like Freddy Krueger with Back to the Future? Yes. He looks like a lot of things. Kruger went back to the future. Yes. He looks like a lot of things. He also, Cat Burglar,

somehow looks like both bad guys from Home Alone. He also looks like retarded Ed Sheeran. He looks like whatever happens, whatever grows from the carpeting of a green room that Louis C.K. jerks off into. Oh, no. No. No. He looks like he only eats Cheez-Its. That's true.

The $2 bag, the Flamin' Hot. He cheers a lot for ECU, but he looks like the Notre Dame mascot. Fair, fair. Again, you're still doing commentary on... We don't need it. Fair, nailed it. I do look like that. It's too late to apologize, Riley Murphy.

It's the great Timbaland once said. So let's talk about it. Did you go to ECU? I graduated from ECU in 2012. Why do you do this thing? Are you a beastie boy where you have to put your hand over the... One, two, here we fucking go. My one mistake was not...

I didn't take this and put it there. Well, you're also talking so close to the microphone. It's... Sorry. It sounds like you're doing stand-up at a fast food drive-thru. Yo, who loves ECU? I'll take a number seven with the two sides of fries. You guys ever notice when the fries take too long to cook?

Nobody. I don't know if anybody heard my joke. No, we can hear you. We can understand you, Riley. So is that your first time doing stand-up? This is my first time. Yeah, yeah, for sure. There you go. There's the goat.

The goat of the first time of stand-up. Riley, how old are you? 31. 31? 31, yeah. Heck yeah. Heck yeah. Is this something you've wanted to do for a long time? It has been, yeah.

This is a bucket list item, yeah. Uh-huh. So what do you do for a living? I'm an engineering designer, and I build skateboard ramps, and then I also drive Uber on the side. Awesome. A real renaissance man. Got a lot going on.

So what have you engineered? I'm curious to know, because there's quite a drop-off there. You went from, what was the first thing you said? Engineering what? Engineering designer. Engineering designer. And then the second thing. Skateboard ramps, though.

That kind of takes away the engineering word. I thought those were two separate things. Or are you just an engineering designer of skateboard ramps? My day job is engineering design. I do the skateboarding building after that. Like a piece of wood on a milk crate. You're like, I made that. So what's the engineering and design?

What have you done there? I do electrical design. I would lay out the lights and connect that back to the panels and stuff like that. So extension cord technology. I don't know. Some incredible shit, Riley. So let's talk about it. You have a ring on your finger.

Are you married? I do. Yeah, I'm married. My wife is right over there. She's gone now. She's not there anymore. How long have you been with her for? We just got married. Is that her right there in the fluorescent construction man suit? That's her!

Construction man suit right there? That's her! That fireman is her. I'm half gay. What? I said I'm half gay. I'm just kidding. I saw that on an earlier episode.

Which half? Your dick and your asshole? No, no, no, no, no. How long have you been with your wife? We've been together seven years now. Actually, this last anniversary was our eighth anniversary dating, but we've been married for like three months. There you go.

That's fun. Where'd you meet her at? ECU. ECU. Hell yeah. And what does she do? She is a histotechnologist. What's that?

So she looks at skin and blood samples under a microscope for disease and things. Has she ever tested you? I've never been tested. Oh. There you go. I'm sure she's tested you. You just don't know about it, you know?

Maybe. I'm Irish,'s tested you. You just don't know about it. Maybe. I'm Irish, so I could have skin cancer. What? There you go. I don't know. That's what it feels like when you actually say something sort of funny. You just did it. Right there.

That was it. Why did you do slow motion on your own voice? Yeah. I might have skewed. Because he was about to say herpes, and he changed his mind. When did you graduate from ECU, Riley? 2012. 2012.

Now, was it when you started driving Uber that you decided that you were going to be one of their, you know, outgoing mascots? And that you were going to treat your first time as a stand-up comedian like a pep rally for ECU? Because they did so much for you with the whole Uber thing and everything? Yeah, no, Uber's going great, you know? A lot of good conversations And new experiences Seems like you have a lot to talk about With the people in the car

Hey, you see you? So you're one of those annoying guys That talks to you when you go in the car God damn it If you talk to me, if you don't talk to me Then I won't talk to you Well, there you go in the car. God damn it. If you don't talk to me, then I won't talk to you. Well, there you go. I'll turn the radio up

two or three notches. What station do you put it on? I'll say this. My guess is AM radio. It's either WUNC for white people. Oh, 90s.

I want to hear what you call the second thing here. 97.5 for me and everybody else. For you and everybody else. He does not know he is white, Tony. Most white people. Well. All right, Riley. Well, it was nice to meet you, dude.

That was your first time ever on stage. You did it here on Kill Tony, live from Raleigh, North Carolina. You got lit the fuck up, by the way, if you're wondering. There you go. Sure. Nothing I love more than having

fucking some untested skin disease dude's hand on my fucking... Love knowing that he goes and he rubs down his wife who tests people's fucking blood all day. Then he has to shake my goddamn hand. That's not part of the thing, by the way.

Everybody else that gets pulled out, I don't fucking shake your goddamn cold, sweaty, fucking demented. Bill Bird-y hands. Feels like an Uber steering wheel. Gross. I'm excited about this. This guy's got a fucking nickname in the middle with quotation marks. Always a personality on these people.

Make some noise for Noe Gonzo Gonzalez, everyone. Here we go. Here, stop. Okay. Here he comes. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. Everybody stop clapping. Here he comes. Oh my goodness. Here we go. Everybody stop clapping.

Here he is. Noe Gonzo Gonzalez. Holy fucking shit, I'm scared up right now. This is my first time. I can't control my voice. So I might do this a little loud. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHLLLLLL Perjurer's finger. I'm on some drugs. The good ones. Oh.

I'm Mexican. I have five kids. These are not drugs. These are more, what do you call those things? You know, confessions. I have a lot of repressed anger. Homosexuality. You know.ressed anger, homosexuality. You know, my wife, you know.

I'm a truck driver, so, you know, I don't have a lot of social, I don't have the filters for social cues. Things like that. Genuinely fucking There you go. Noe, am I saying that right? Noe? Noe? Noe Gonzo Gonzalez. You said during that that it is your

first time. The first time. And I'm shaking. It's real. You're shaking. Yeah. Wow. Wait, why does your voice not sound like Mexican Ray Romano now? Like, yeah, that was, I don't know. So you had a fake voice just now. You don't have. Kind of.

It was. You know, I just felt. He's nervous. Yeah, very nervous. Yeah, but you're still nervous, right? Well, because I'm looking at you and not at them right now. Oh, okay. It's fucking weird, you know. You got this, right? Well, because I'm looking at you, not them right now. Oh, okay. It's fucking weird, you know?

You got this guy right here. I don't know what to say. What do you mean, this guy right there? So, Noe, this is your first time doing stand-up. What made you want to do it? Your show, Joe's show, and all the other podcasts that I like listening to. I've been following it for probably about a good two years now. And I said, fuck it, you know.

I say funny shit at parties. People laugh. Like what? What do you say at the parties? I really don't say shit. I'm too fucking drunk, really, is all I'm saying. People laugh at drunk people I would assume

Yeah there you go You're a heavy drinker Me? He's not a light drinker Well when it's party time it's party time Like what? What do you mean when it's party time? You say that but then What do you end up having a's party time? Like you say that but then you know what I mean? What do you end up having?

A can of PBR or something like that? What do you mean by party time? How do you get turned up? My liver is like fucking shriveled up. No it's not. It's expanded. It's large. You don't have a shriveled up liver.

What's your drink of choice Gonzo? Anything with alcohol I'll be honest. What's your drink of choice, Gonzo? Anything with alcohol, I'll be honest. Okay. What's your food of choice? What is the thing... What's the thing that has you shaped like that? Salad. You look like the

wall that they want to build between Mexico and the United States. Veganism. If you just went and stood there, Trump would be like, let's reopen the government. This is good enough. You know, people don't climb walls anymore. They build tunnels these days. That's what he doesn't know.

Right. Did you come through a tunnel? No, I'd have got stuck. I was born here. Sure. Sure. He looks like a sad Mexican or a happy Hawaiian. Did your girl

really stick a finger in you? Wow. First knuckle? Yeah, first knuckle. Didn't she stop because it smelled too bad or what? No, there was like a pop sound. A pop? There was a what?

Right. When she pulled out, there was a pop sound. Oh, because you're a hemorrhoid because you're a truck driver. Well. Red band. Rouge band. I'm flat out. Is it true that you were really born here, Gonzo?

Yeah, Stockton. Stockton, California? California, yes, sir. Well, how'd you end up out here? How the, I don't know. Military, to be honest. Military? Back when I wasn't fat. What part, what wing, or what breast or leg of the military were you in? Army. The army?

Yeah. Damn. Wow, what did you do? Got married and had five kids. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. You got PTSD at all? No.

Yeah. No. Stick with me. There you go. Very good. Yes. Very good. Yes.

You know that's what the Army loves to do, take guys shaped like Gonzo in their helicopter with them. So, Gonzo, what did you do when you were in the military? I was an Army tanker. Were you the tank? I did have a hard time fitting in, I'm not going to lie. What? Not a lot of room in those things.

Right, right. Did you have to wear camouflage and stuff? Yeah. Did you stand out because, like, you had ketchup stains on your... The enemy's just like, I don't see anyone, but I see two red dots out there. There's a lot of cardinals in these trees. This is how they point their pistols, I think. This is how I think the military works.

Taco sauce. Right down the middle. So you're working in tankers. Any guys ever try to make a move on you? All the time Is that true? It went one in the tank, two in the stank Alright Gonzo

So now you have a wife How long have you been with her? We've been married now for 12 years. Is she Latino as well? No, she's Native American. What? Native American. Whoa.

Damn. Two types of people. She's from North Carolina. Oh. You got to watch out because they'll cut you. Is that true? That's what they say. Really?

Didn't happen to me, though. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. Hell. It's a local thing. Is it? They'll cut you? Yeah, down in Robinson County.

Jesus, Gonzo, you're losing the crowd right here. I know. We had nothing but momentum. I'll tell you this. You look like a comedian. You look like Gabriel Inglis Donuts. Jeremiah? and glazed donuts.

Jeremiah? I find it ironic that his name is Gonzo when he looked more like a snuffleupagus. And I look more like a Gonzo. He looks like a guy that would be afraid of an ice agent unless he had cream on it. They actually made me do Border Patrol. Really? Operation Jumpstart back in

2000, whatever the fuck. Operation Jumpstart? Yeah. And you're like, hey. Hey, can I get a jump? I got an award and everything and they were just coming across the border. Were you able to do a good job? I'm being honest. I had the binoculars. And, you know, they were just coming across the border. Were you able to do a good job? Were you able to, you know?

I'm going to be honest. You know, I had the binoculars. They're like, you see anything? I don't see a fucking thing. Yeah. Like 14 people crossed over. Yeah. One of them looked like my cousin, so.

Look at that. Look at all these Americans clapping at their tax dollars being flushed down the toilet. It makes you feel good, huh? It makes you feel good on the inside. Oh, people just going wherever they want. Yay. You've really convinced yourselves, huh? You guys really watch that much fucking CNN out here

that it's just about being a good person. It's all, and we were all immigrants at one point, you fucking idiots. Really? Anyway, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

I'm not, I don't like to get political. There's some jobs that need a stealing. I don't know what that means either. Can I have a, does anyone have a translator for Gonzo? Gonzo, congratulations on your very first time ever on stage. You look like a comedian.

You seem like you like having fun. You seem like you're getting a rush up here. When I see somebody that shakes for their first time, it's an indicator to me that they take it very seriously and it's a very big deal. So if this is something that you want to do... I liked you on stage. I thought you were very likable and I would like to see more of you in the future, man. That's great.

There you go. There he goes. Noe Gonzo Gonzalez, everybody. Hell yeah. How do you work this? Back to the TP he goes, everyone, with his Indian wife. Like the finger in his asshole, yeah. Native American or like India Indian? Like Native American, right?

Yes, sir. Wow, fuck yeah. When you lay on top of her, she becomes extinct. Wait, they didn't go extinct. That's not the word. Extinct. I talk about the word. Extinct. I talk about them like they're animals. This is an especially conservative episode of Kill Tony.

Brought to you by Fox News and Long Plane Rides. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Drew Robertson, everyone. Here we go. So I like my coffee like I like my women. Up the butt. I just switched to a coffee enema system, and it's changed my life.

Gives you the same pep in your step that you're used to, but with a nice full feeling for the rest of the day. This woman came up to me this morning, and she was like, you know, you look like you could be a model. Yeah, you look like you could be a model if there was, like, a husky hipster clothing company. It'd be called, like, Hard to Fit In, or, like, too big for your britches. And I was like, well, if you feel that way, why'd you ask me to marry you in the first place? Yeah. It made me self-conscious. Like, everyone's self-conscious.

Even people you think wouldn't be. Like, Oscar the Grouch. I mean, think about it. Like, do you think maybe the reason why Oscar the Grouch is always in his can and you've never seen him below the neck is because he's embarrassed of his big ass titties? Yeah, I mean...

Cool. You want to finish that? That was it. Yeah, I mean, that's good. Okay. Drew Robertson. Fuck yeah. So you're a comedian. Yes. You've been doing this a while. Yeah, I've been doing this for a little while.

A couple few years? Six years. Six years. All here in Raleigh? Yeah, mainly here in Raleigh. Some out of town shows, but I've always been stationed here. That's cool. Were you born and raised here?

I was born in Charlotte. Uh-huh. But yeah, I mean, thank you. How'd you end up coming out here? School. Yeah, you went to ECU? No, I did not go to ECU. I went to NC State down the street.

Wow. Look at that. It appears to be some type of makeup school or something like that. By the women in the audience. I went there for the women. Wow. Fuck yeah. You must have gotten all the almost pussy.

Yeah. Let's just say all five fingers. Oh, yeah. I love it. I love it. For those of you listening to the podcast, Drew Robertson looks like if Brian Posehn and Gonzo made a baby. Hell yeah.

So Drew, so fun. So you came out here for school. What'd you study? Art. Art? Yep. What's that like? I have two art degrees.

It's great. Art, you have two art degrees, zero dollars. What do you do with that? I work at Chipotle. No, I don't. Just kidding. Just kidding, Chipotle.

No, actually, I work at UNC, which is a different college in the area. Yeah. I corrupt young minds and teach them how to make 3D printed shit. Wow. Nice. I'm into that 3D printed shit. Wow. 3D prints. Nice.

Yeah. Interesting. I'm into that 3D printing shit. I like it. I mean, it's pretty cool. I can make like eight different dildos. I can make like, you know, like. But no, I do.

I teach students how to design and print and make all sorts of crazy shit. Do you really like putting coffee in your butt? Have you ever done it? I've actually never done it because you should use a certain kind of coffee because real coffee will make your heart explode. Wow. You can use decaf. But you're not going to get the feeling if it's decaf.

You just don't grind it. Yeah, you just put the beans up there. You go beans up. You shove beans up your fucking ass. Yeah. Where do you go to do something like that? Is there like a special place like Starbucks or something?

Starbucks. Yeah. But no. Yeah. I mean, I think you have to go to a special coffee enema joint to do it. Right. The best part of waking up is coffee in your butt. Boom. Cat burglar. Cat burglar.

Cat burglar. Fuck yeah. So, Drew, what else is going on in life? You live by yourself? Married? I'm married, yeah. How long have you been married for? Two months.

Two months? Last guy was three months. This is incredible. Everyone gets married out here, huh? He is Jay Leno's boyfriend. We've been together for nine years and got married two months ago. Wow. What's her story?

She's a librarian at a college. Whoa. Nerd alert. Nerd alert. Are you ever fucking her and you're grunting and she's like, shh. We've been together for nine years, so. Do you ever try to get in her anus and she's like, wrong section. That dot is the Dewey Decimal though.

More like Gooey Decimal. Pooey. Pooey. Pooey decimal. Wow. So you don't have sex much anymore. Right, exactly. That was what I was trying to say by saying we've been together for nine years. Have you had sex in 2019 yet? Yes.

Yeah, what was that like? What's sex like after being with the same girl for nine years? What are you guys doing now? Where'd it go down, in the bed? No, I prefer chairs now. You're sitting in the chair? I'm sitting in the chair. Oh, hell yeah. My legs are on the armrest, but I'm still sitting in the chair.

Cat burglar? What? Hold on, wait. Did I just miss something? What'd you say? I said my legs are over the armrest, but I'm still sitting in the chair. Are you making a joke?

Are you pulling a gonzo on us right now? Be honest, damn it. In all honesty, I have one leg over an armrest usually. So what, you spread your legs and you throw one over an armrest? Hey, we got the goth girl's attention for the first time. Back to looking straight ahead. Oh, she just turned her back on us.

Uh-oh. Oh, shit, she's going to teach us a lesson. Someone use fresh Kool-Aid for that hairdo today. Okay. Give her a chance. This is her only breakaway from Hot Topic. Oh, no. Don't leave.

No. Oh, come on. Come on. Oh, no. Somebody stop her. Lock the fucking doors. Oh, my god. For those of you listening to the podcast,

the goth girl got up and ran away and her friend went behind her. The boyfriend that I said earlier on is the super fan that really wants to be here is still here. Motherfucking nailed it! And the crowd goes wild for good reasoning. Hey, we need to buy that guy a shot. Hell yeah.

Definitely, buddy. You want to hit my vape pen, pal? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You want to hit my vape pen, pal? There you go. A little Kill Tony history for you right there. There he is. All right, go back to your seat. Go back to your seat. Go back to your seat. Did you sign up?

That guy sign up? You did? Okay, there goes Drew. Drew, you're amazing. Make some noise for Drew Robertson. This guy did great. Really, really good. Really good set.

That's a fucking six-year comedy vet. If you guys have any common sense, if I lived in fucking Raleigh, North Carolina, I'd find that guy after the show, and I'd ask him what other shows he has coming up, and I'd go see him again, because what the fuck else do you have to do? Everett Sandusky. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you know what? Every once in a while, destiny makes something great happen. We're going to go back to the bucket after this,

after we meet for the first time a guy who, my guess is, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's sister just left him sitting in the front row. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Everett Sandusky! Hey, guys. I'm Everett Sandusky, but you guys can just call me by the nickname that she calls me when we're sleeping together, Coach. But you guys can just call me by the nickname that she calls me when we're sleeping together coach Actually the reason why I didn't get up and leave was because I actually this is like my only day off I worked third shift at a pharmacy and you might know which one it's the one with the really long receipts

Like the really long receipts. And, uh, like, and I see, like, a lot of prostitutes. And it's really, really bad. Like, I saw this one chick come in, and I didn't really see her at first, because I have my headphones in, and I'm looking straight at my phone. It's third shift. It's like at Walmart. It's just universal all the way through. And, uh, I'm standing there,

and I don't see her, but I just smell her. And it's like, fucking fish out of water is the first thing that pops in my head. Did someone leave those Gordon fish sticks on the counter again? Like, these are the things that I'm going through. And I'm so naive when I'm looking at her. I'm just like, hey, were you drinking milk?

And she's like, motherfucker, I don't drink no milk. And that's the first time I ever saw someone happy that they got a cum mustache. Like, she looks... Wow. Everett Sandusky. So let's talk about it. Let's jump right into it.

Let's start with the questions that everybody... First of all, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time ever! First time ever! First of all, really good set for your first time. Really great. You're doing a joke that only you can do.

Your last name's really Sandusky? Are you any relation to that family? Oh, my God. Everett, you got to talk. Everybody here, this is like an episode, when it comes to distance from microphones and mouths, this is the closest thing to an episode of Goldilocks we've ever had before. Everybody's either like this or like this.

There's no casual in between here. So, Everett, let's talk about it. Was that your girlfriend that walked out first? Yeah, they're actually both my girlfriends. Oh! Is there a new... I don't know how it happened, but I think there's a new way to win the game.

It's called hitting Tony's vape pen. It's a new element that I just organically added. Cat burglar. And I thought I was good at stealing pussy. Hey! Damn. Damn. Wow. Man.

So how long have you had two girlfriends? This started maybe like eight months ago. Damn. I can't. Just by judging by the two of them, one of them is deeply depressed. Wow. He's got that CVS money. Oh, jeez.

I mean, Walgreens money. His dick is longer than the receipts at CVS. Is that true, Everett? Can you make both women come? We know we can make them leave, but can you make them come? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Is that true? Just with your penis, you have vaginal sex.

Penis? That's incredible. The goth girl is the mother of my child. Whoa! I regret to inform you, your child is Satan. It is. saying it is. You said he is. You have a bad kid?

No, he's just really big. He's 17 months old and he's already this tall. So he just fucks everything up. Really? Yeah. Wow. He's already that tall? 17 months?

Yeah. My God, you might have a Gonzo Gonzalez on your hand. I hope so. This guy might be in Border Patrol in no time. That's pretty badass though, man. Usually those relationships don't last that long. Honestly, it's honesty. That's it. Just talk.

Why can't you just talk to them and go like, chill out. We're just having fun here. She's ragging, isn't she? She doesn't like big crowds. Why'd you sit in the front? Interesting. having fun here. She's ragging, isn't she? Well, why'd you sit in the front? Oh, interesting. How about the other girl? She also had to go feed her pet raven.

So you think they're going to come back? This wasn't the girl that was sitting next to you before, was it? This is a different girl. That's one of my girls. That's the second one. That's the one that followed her out? Yes. She looks different now. Yeah, she does look different. Anyway.

So you've been with them both for eight months. Yeah, I was the goth chick. We actually knew each other when we were little kids. My parents went to high school together. So then when this one came along, how did you break that to the goth

chick? Her idea. So whenever we tell anybody Wait, you know what? I like her. Bring her back in. Come on back in, sweetheart. Is that her? Why are you standing there? Come on in. What's wrong with this crazy girl?

Yeah! This is my favorite episode of Kill Tony and Jerry Springer we've ever had at the same time. Jerry! Jerry! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Wow, this is unbelievable. So everybody's back. The whole threesome is back. The two girls are yet to crack a real smile,

but Everett's having the time of his life right now, getting away with murder. Is she ticklish? Do you know if she's ticklish? Yeah. She's definitely ticklish. I see a smile. She just gave a look like, right now I'm not ticklish.

All right, well. I'll get her look like, right now I'm not ticklish. All right. I'll get it. Anyway. So, Everett, you talk with your parents a lot? Yeah. They know that you have two girlfriends at once? They're cool with it? I mean, I just feel like it's my life.

I have my own place. It's not like they're going to do anything. You like to quote Bon Jovi, it's my life and it's now or never. I don't want to live forever. I just want to live while I'm alive. It's my life. Bon Jovi, Capaclass. Wow.

Didn't realize the cap... Oh! Wow. Well, Everett, you know what? I almost feel like this was your own master plan, now that I think about it. You bring two girls next to you, have one seem angry. You know it's going to get my attention,

because the only thing that gets my attention is when somebody isn't having fun. And then I see what you did. You played me for a fool, and you got to hit my vape pen twice. And you came on stage, had a great set for your first time, and now everybody's happy, including

my new arch nemesis. Anything else you want to say? You're in your hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina. No, I'm actually from Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, look at that. Very interesting. I believe, was that the gig?

That was Columbia, South Carolina, right? It was the first time I was like, you guys are here, I gotta go. Yep, you're damn right. And you did it, and it couldn't have worked out better. You're a legend as far as this episode's concerned. Everett Sandusky, everybody. There he goes.

Magical. Goddamn magical moment right there. Everybody's back. And here we go. You guys having fun? You get it? How many of you out there like it when the comedian that I pull out of the vagina

does good? How many of you like it watching people bomb? Wow. Yeah, that's strong. This is my kind of crowd. All right, here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of David Dalton.

David Dalton. Here we go. I heard some noise. One of his buddies was like, oh, my God. All the way around, David. Keep walking, buddy. You're a pal and a confidant. Can I get a Jack and Diet?

Here he is, David Dalton, everyone. Damn, y'all. So I just found out I was short. Took me 15 years. So I was trying to hook up with this girl. She's a little bit taller than me. Yeah, I know I have a southern accent. God damn it, I'm from Virginia.

And that's northern of North Carolina. That's kind of bad. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. So I was trying to get with this girl, and she's a little bit taller than me. And she bends over. I'm trying to get with her. I'm going to show you. Hold on. I got to get on my tippy toes. I got to get on my tippy toes. I can't reach it. And I don't know what to do. She starts moving. She said, come on, you going to get it? I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. I sprained my ankle

in the middle of it. So I'm going, ah. She looked. Go ahead. I want to hear this. Yeah, you definitely want to hear this. That's my mom out there. God damn. She better shut up or she's coming on stage next. So, uh, when I sprained my ankle, I look at her,

I roll my ass, ah! She turns around. She's chewing bubble gum. She's roll my eyes. She turns around. She's chewing bubble gum. She's chewing bubble gum. She said, we going to do this? I had to walk away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We've made it this fucking far.

There's got to be something coming, right? That's not the end, is it? I don't think so. I think that's it. I think that's it. No, I never's got to be something coming, right? I don't think so. I think that's it. No, I never came. You said something coming. It didn't happen. Jesus Christ. Wow.

Never works. Wow. Incredible. Jesus Christ. Hell yeah. You did it, dude. I sort of did it. I sprung my ankle in the middle of it. What are we talking about? They were playing my anthem or what?

Do you want a shot? No. Oh, okay. There was just a Sandusky on stage before you. I don't know if you know this. Cat Burglar, go ahead. Why does he look like a gay hairdresser and a lesbian whose hair he's cutting? It's true.

Yeah, you don't sound like how you're dressing. I mean, you have the tight pants on that are rolled up. No, see, if I don't wear tight pants, it looks like I don't got no damn knees. You look like George. No knees? I look like I ain't got no knees. And when I don't got no damn knees. You look like no knees? I look like I ain't got no knees. And when I ain't got no knees. He ain't got no knees.

I ain't got no knees. He ain't got no knees. He ain't got no knees. What do you mean? What do you mean? I used to wear loose jeans. You can't tell anyone has knees. What the fuck?

Are you getting closer to me? Are you edging closer to me? What's going on? Oh, what is that? Christ. That man looks a little creepier than I noticed. Wow, yeah, just taking shots at the throne. Just taking shots at the throne.

Very good. David. He kind of looks like the guy that would have molested me at 12. Wow, there you go. That means you're getting roasted by George Costanza's abortion right now. Whatever. Incredible. It's bloated Christian Slater right here.

Yeah. Bloated Christian Slater. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Also, he ain't got no knees. No knees, yeah. Hey, no knees. So let's talk about it, yeah. Hey, no knees.

So let's talk about it, David. What the fuck was that? All of it. First time ever doing stand-up? Yeah, first time. Right. Why is your mom here? There's the go to the first time. She lives down here, and my parents split up.

She lives down here, and I was like, I'm going to go to a comedy show. So I live down here. I was like, I'm going to probably spend the night at your place. I'm drunk. Your mom sounded like a real, yeah, your mom sounded like a real country woman over there. Oh, yeah. She's a country bumpkin for sure. I didn't get to see her.

She smokes cigarettes? She is. Oh, she used to. Yeah, palm oils. Close. No? Benson and Hedges 120s? Parliament.

No. Virginia Slims. There you go. Rune NASCAR. Yeah. Virginia Slims. There you go. Rune Asgard. Virginia Slims. She's a classy woman. She smoked Virginia Slims. You still won't get with it.

You have the comedic timing of a 9-11 bomber. Do you know that, David? Anytime one of us starts to say something funny, you cut us off with your dirt dog bullshit. Which a 9-11 bomber also ain't got no knees. I ain't got no knees, man. Hey, he's got no knees.

I love it. I just think it's interesting that your mom used to smoke Virginia Slims, and she made a Virginia not-so-slim. I want Virginia plainly premium. You motherfucker. God damn it. Hot diggity damn. You got me every fucking time, dude.

David, why do you look like the Devil's Rejects accountant? Why do you look like Beavis grown up? Oh, you son of a bitch. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if you know how this works, but this does not end well for you. Cat burglar, go ahead. Why does he look like the hills have thighs?

Oh, my God. Cat burglar. Why does it sound like I can't hear you over your nose? Oh, my God. Cut back live. Why does it sound like I can't hear you over your nose? David, stop. Oh. David. And I cannot hear you over your fat tits. Come on.

He's been sexually assaulted before. Haven't you seen his special, Nanette? Oh, I got you. I fucking got you, dude. assaulted before. Haven't you seen his special Nanette? Oh, I got you. I fucking got you, dude. David, what do you do for work? You look like you're actually a professional. You have skinny jeans even though you're shaped

like an ice cream cone. He is a marionette puppet with no strings. Heck yeah. Bartend and do hardwood flooring. You are, I mean, normally bartenders aren't as short as you. That's really tough. I can barely reach over the table, but.

It's a bar. It's not a table. You call it a bar. It's a table for me. I do a two-step. What? I got a two-step stool. Is that true?

Yeah, I got a two-step stool. You really have to get on a fucking stool? Applebee's lets this? This is the most depressing thing ever. All of a sudden now I feel like the goth girl in the front row. Aren't you like 5'8 though? What? Aren't you like 5'8?

I mean, that's what Wikipedia says. I mean, I'm really like 5'10, 5'11. Depends on what the fuck we're talking about here, Dan. You look like you're in high school with that shirt on, though. Is that a high school varsity jacket? What the fuck would you know about high school, huh?

I graduated. That's what I know about it. No, you didn't graduate. No, you graduated from low. Long tarnation. You're not as funny as you think you are. I know. You didn't graduate from high school. You graduated from low school.

That's a good short joke right there. Cat Burglar, go ahead. Do not take shots at the throne. Cat Burglar is six foot three. And his nose is the same size as me. David, you are ruthless.

You fire back bad jokes like they're good. It's really interesting. I've never seen anything like it. You're like one of those guys. Every once in a while, I'll find like a, you know, I mean, I obviously have a decent amount of haters in the world. And sometimes I'll notice like someone be like, you know, on whatever, like, Tony, you faggot, faggot, faggot, right? I don't mean it.

I'll click on their profile. You find out they have two or three followers, right? Everything in their feed's just like total dog shit, right? It's like just retweeting, like, make America great again shit. That's what you remind me of. That was it.

David, what's the coolest fun fact about you? What's something that we would be surprised to know about this little boy from Virginia that obviously read a lot of... How many YouTube videos have you written first on? Answer my question. I play music.

Really? What kind of music do you play? Shit you wouldn't like. Yeah? what kind of music do you play shit you wouldn't like yeah what kind of music do you play you fucking fuck shit I wouldn't like you just have nothing but bad responses why don't you just answer one fucking thing honestly music like

like folk music like what like acoustic guitar like acoustic guitar what? Like acoustic guitar. Like acoustic guitar? You fucking play acoustic guitar? Yeah, I do. I play acoustic guitar. Wow.

And do you sing or do you just play guitar? No, I sing too. Yeah? You have any original music? Yeah. Yeah? Will you sing us a little verse from... No, no.

I really don't want to. You got a guitar? No. Just fucking sing, you motherfucker. You're gonna make fun of me, though. No shit. This fucking guy. Unbelievable.

I think you're gonna make fun of it. We've made fun of every inch of you, including things you don't even have, like knees. Yeah, I don't have no knees. It's true. Tonight on stage, you see the cat burglar and the hamburglar. It's true. This is a brand new episode of Kill No Knee with Sing a Fucking Song right now, David.

Brian, you can stop. That's just not helping anything. Okay, now singing a song. Okay, you have to stop that so that you can sing a fucking song. Now singing David Dalton. If the next words out of your mouth aren't fucking singy fucking song songs, you're done. So it better be something with fucking rhythm behind it. Because if it's one fucking... Nope, that's it. There he goes. David Dalton.

There he goes. He's done. David Dalton, everyone. Get him out of here. Take your drink. No, I wanted you to fucking sing. Get out of here. Tell me you can sing and you don't sing? You don't get a fucking handshake after that? That's the opposite of getting to hit the vape pen. I can sing. I swear to God. You got a guitar? I need

that to sing with. Hey, can I get a Jack and Diet on stage? Any of the wait staff? Drinking, ladies and gentlemen. Could I get a diamond necklace on stage? Catbagger. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Sounds like this guy could have been one of the original presidents of the United States or something like that. Make some noise for Benjamin Harrison. Here we go. Benjamin Harrison. Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Benjamin Harrison. I don't listen to the news anymore because I got bummed out by a headline that said, firefighter dies in fire. That's kind of a bad headline for a hero, don't you think? Like, why didn't they talk about something cool about the guy? Like, I don't know, maybe his amazing record against fires?

Like, dude, come on, he was undefeated going into that fight. He was like the Floyd Mayweather of fighting fires. He'd never lost before, man. And they give him that? Like, that's fucked up. Like, first of all, he's an American hero automatically because he's a firefighter. He saved people's lives for a living. Second of all, if anyone does anything in their career and only takes one loss, they're in the goddamn Hall of Fame. But no, the news had to do a story about, like, the little

fire that trained real hard to take down the champ. Like, fuck you, dude. Give him a headline he deserves, like something cool like, I don't know, champion retires in blazing fashion. Like, I don't know. There you go. Benjamin Harrison. AKA Chris Kringle Jr.

Waiting to take over the throne. Do I know you from somewhere? Yeah, I didn't have the beard before, but yeah. It's like Billy Donnell again. Yeah, you fucking told me that last time. I knew it. Yeah, it didn't work then either. No, yeah. I still don't know what that guy looks like.

No one does. It's ridiculous to make a reference like that about somebody that nobody knows, but it's just one of the things that we plow through sometimes on the show. So now that we're back to the actual show, Benjamin, you just did it. You're making yourself way too fucking comfortable on that stool. How do we remember you?

Is that from Nashville, Tennessee? So I first met you guys in Corpus, but the first time I did, I did this show at Moon Tower when Jeremiah fought that dude on Mushrooms. That's right. That night the cat burglar stole the show. Yeah, so that was dope, and I think that's it. I live up here now.

You do? How'd you end up in Raleigh, North Carolina? Well, so I live in Durham. I got out of the Navy at the beginning of this year. Moved up here now. You do? How'd you end up in Raleigh, North Carolina? Well, so I live in Durham. I got out of the Navy at the beginning of this year. Moved up here. I started working for a software company. Grew a beard. Life's a lot better now.

Wow. Look at that. All the way to Raleigh, but your grandma was still able to send you this outfit. Am I correct on that? You didn't buy that yourself. Nobody buys that sweater themselves. No, it's a hand-me-down from my dad. Really?

That's from your father? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I'm trying to be my own dad. Wow, it got very depressing in here when you said that. Did you have a good relationship with your dad? Actually, yeah. No, I love him. He's one of my best

friends in the world. What does he do? He retired and got bored and decided to be a hotel maintenance man. Hey, that's pretty interesting. At a basic hotel or a corporate one? They did the white person thing and they retired and moved down

to Florida. That's where all white people go to die and he just decided to work at one of the hotels down there yeah so your dad works at hotels and you eat all of the chocolate of the pillows and he retired but you still work right you're the you're the other half it's Tim Allen and you are the hosts of Tool Time. Right? Am I close to right on this? This is like when Ted Cruz

tried to grow a beard and be cool. Well, if I grow this beard, the kids are going to love me. Fuck, I don't feel so comfortable now. I bet. I bet. You're dressed like fucking... Oh, shit, I'll think of it in a second.

So what's been... You said computer programming? It's a software company. We're a startup. I don't do the programming stuff, but there's a lot of technology involved. What do you do there? Maintenance? No, I do a lot of account managing and customer support stuff.

There's not very many of us, so it's kind of a big old grind. What do you do for fun here now that you live in Durham, North Carolina? That's like tobacco land, right? Yeah, it used to be. I've been trying to do comedy, but I've been getting the dick. What do you say it used to be? What do they grow there now, jewel pods? Kind of.

Yeah, no, I try and do some comedy, but I've been kind of getting the dick at work lately, so I haven't been able to make it out too much. So what have you been doing for fun? Like, what do you mean? I mean, everybody here keeps telling me that they're just work, work, work, work, work, work, working. Yeah, like... But I think that's bullshit.

My guess is that you sleep till two sometimes. Well, like, on the occasional day I have off, yeah, I'll sleep until, like, noon, one. You look like a chubby white Osama bin Laden. Has anyone ever told you that before? Have you tried to fly since growing that beard? I actually haven't. I'd probably get a random screening, right? Yeah, for sure Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. Has anybody ever told you you are an adorable man? Thanks, man. It is true. If you didn't have that beard, I would be guessing that you're on your first day of seventh grade or something like that. Just a big, giant cutie pie, you.

You have a girlfriend? I do, actually. Yeah? How long you been with her? It will be two years next month. Wow. She came with you from Corpus to here? That's part of the problem is she's not here yet.

She's still back in Texas. Oh. Getting fucked. She has the dog, too. It's kind of fucked up. Wow. Yeah. She's having sex with the dog, too. It's kind of fucked up. Wow. Yeah, she's having sex with the dog right now while you're here living your dreams.

We have actual audio. We're streaming live. If you're wondering what's happening there, it's your girlfriend eating the dog's ass out. Yes. Would she like to have sex with a cat? We do also have a cat, but she doesn't fuck either of them.

Are you sure she hasn't cheated on you once? How long have you been living out here? You should get a Nest Cam. Since July. Can we call her right now on speakerphone and ask her if... We're about to call Benjamin Harrison's girlfriend

live in Texas. Make sure you put the butt of the speakerphone up right to the tip of that mic. Yeah, she tried to call me as they were sitting for this show and I was like, hey, I'm not talking to you right now. What's her name? Marcy? Marcy. Hey, you, dude, you don't, nothing. Nothing for the rest of the show. Don't say anything.

Can you guys hear that? Hello. Hello, Marcy. Hey, Gene, you're on Kill Tony. Oh. What? Yeah, you're on Kill Tony right now. Sorry. Hey, Yeah, you're on Kill Tony right now. Hi. Hey, have you cheated on Benjamin since he's been up here in North Carolina?

Have you cheated on me since I moved out here? No, of course I haven't. That's with our dog. She uses me like every night. I hope you understand they were just talking about you fucking the dog. No, no, no. I don't think you fuck the dog. I think you eat the dog's ass.

And I think the dog fucks you after you eat its ass. You get it all horned up and then it fucks you. Am I close to right on this? Is it Jean? Is that what you call her? Yeah. Jean? Yeah. Jean? Yeah.

Okay. Jean, have you ever let the dog fuck you? It's a girl dog. It'd be complicated, but... Have you scissored your dog? Yeah, there it is. Yeah, have you ever scissored the dog? I love the way you ask these questions, Benjamin.

Just like this is the end of your comedy life and your relationship. Have you scissored the dog? Do you know how to tie a proper noose? This is like a hostage situation. All right, Jean, can you hear me? No. Jean, I don't know if you know this, but I don't live in Texas or North Carolina, so I'm not following for that dumbass trick.

I said following when I should have said fallen and I'm trying to convince people I'm not stupid. I'm not following for that trick. Who do you think I'm, an idiot? All right, so Gene, when are you going to move out here to a boring-ass Durham, North Carolina? Raleigh! No shit, dude. I live in Durham, you piece of shit.

He lives in Durham. Have you not been paying attention? You fucking... Have you not been following along? When are you moving out here, Gene? Yeah, Gene, when are you moving out of here, Gene? Yeah, Gene, when are you moving out of here? What's that? Hold on, hold on.

She's eating the dog's ass. Let her finish. Gene. What? Let her finish. Jean. What? Jean, when are you going to move out here? This is mumbly. What's that? Y'all are really mumbly.

I can't understand. When are you going to move out here? When I get a job in clinical research. Yeah, she's way smarter than me Okie dokie Thanks Gene Bye Gene Hey Gene I love you and I'll talk to you later

Look at this pussy red little bitch You're such a fucking hoe I love it you're a little pussy whipped bitch Benjamin you know that with that type of handling of your woman you're never gonna be like Sandusky here and be fucking two chicks

at once. Hey, she seemed really nice, man. She is really nice. She's like way too good for me. Is she? Is she? What makes you say that? What's so bad about you, Benjamin? We're up here calling you adorable. You know, you're wearing your dad's fucking hand-me-down sweater. You're a good guy.

What about fucking you? What about you and that stealthy new fucking beard that you just rubbed? Huh? What about you? I guess there's nothing bad about me. Right. So how is she better than you? I don't know.

I feel really happy. She's in Texas eating her dog's ass right now. I feel really lucky. That's what I'm trying to say. Like, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. I understand.

All right. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. One more time for Benjamin Harrison, everybody. He's on Twitter at Benjamin C Comedy. I love it. Your girlfriend eats a dog's ass. I love it Your girlfriend eats a dog's ass I love it She's never moving here I know it

Kibbles and bits and bits and tits Clinical research doesn't happen here I'm sure of it I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Luke Sparks. Here we go. Yeah. Here he is. Luke

Sparks, everybody. Hello. I was sick the other week, and I was laying in bed, and I blew my nose. And my girlfriend said, what are you doing? I said, I'm blowing my nose. She said, you need to go to the bathroom. I was like, what?

She said, you need to go to the bathroom. I don't even know why you're using the tissue. You're supposed to shoot a snot rocket straight in the sink, and then wash it down with water. I'm like, what? You're telling me you've been living in my house for a year and you've been shooting snot rockets in my sink this whole time?

Anyway, she's dead now. Thank you. I've been trying to get in good shape. I haven't been working out. I've just been taking really good shits and flexing in the mirror. Fuck, yeah. Hello. Fuck yeah

Hello Luke Sparks You've been doing stand up for a little while right I've been trying to be serious since May Since May So how many times do you think you've been on stage If you had to guess Since May about twice a week

Before that maybe a dozen times Well look at you you've been on stage, if you had to guess? Since May, about twice a week. Before that, maybe a dozen times in that year. You've barely done it all and you already have Theo Vaughn's haircut. Incredible. It's amazing. At this rate, at this rate. I will have you know, I had this haircut in June of 2015, which I think predates

Theo Vaughn's haircut. No, you are correct. There's no doubt about it. Everybody remembers the day that Theo's haircut became that. We all noticed. You start playing that character. It's actually true. Hell yeah. He committed 100%.

You look like Jeremiah Watkins' younger brother. Whoa, look who's roasting over here. I don't see it at all. I don't really see it. He doesn't have a beak or anything. No. No, Luke, for those of you listening, he looks like the lesbian

daughter of the Mythbusters or something like that. Sort of looks like some type of fucking... He looks like if... He looks like if... Who's the fucking genius that died with the wheelchair? The fucking... He looks like if... He looks like if... Who's the fucking genius that died with the wheelchair?

The fucking... He looks like if Stephen Hawking got all of his shit together. Hell yeah. I like that. I like that. You really do. You really look like... You look like a very healthy Stephen Hawking

with all of the physical attributes and none of the powerful brain. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Heck yeah. Dude, you got a Dell? Never mind. So Luke, so you've just started really doing this.

You live here in Raleigh? I live in High Point. How far away is that? Hell yeah. Oh shit, Hulk Hogan's ex-wife lives there. That's incredible. High Point? Yeah, hour and a half.

Wow, hour and a half north? I don't know. West? Oh, okay. Hell yeah. So what's there? What goes on there in High Point? What's that like? Lady, did you fucking sign up for tonight's show?

Un-fucking-believable. I'm the best thing in High Point. It's me. I'm the best thing in High Point. It's me. I'm the best thing in High Point. Oh, yeah? Sounds like more of a low point. It's me. I'm not a lady. What do you do for work there?

I repair surgical instruments. No, you don't. I do. You're that guy. You have a vape pen hanging out of your pocket. You repair surgical instruments. You can't say shh when you have it hanging out right there. I do.

What type of not sharp scalpel are you making? All kinds. The good kinds. How long have you been doing that for? Almost three years. How old are you? I'm 22. Wow.

You started that job at 19. Something like that. Surgical instruments. Did you go to college? No. Is this a family business no no no when did you move out from living with your parents uh like last year right at 21 yeah and uh you had saved up money from cleaning surgical instruments or like uh what did that

what did you what was exactly did you call it? Re-what? Yeah, repair. Repairing. They don't just use new ones. Some of them they do. Some of them are expensive, so they have to fix them. Like, what's the craziest thing that you've repaired? You know, I actually thought you might ask this, and I prepared. It's like a boat anchor, but for a vagina.

It's like a vagina hook, but it has a boat, like a weight on it. Yeah, I prepared for that question. So, hold on a second. So it's an anchor but for a vagina so that it doesn't go anywhere? So that you can like leave a vagina in the river

for a few hours if you want to? Hey, don't you go going anywhere now, you little fucking pussy, you! I got you one of them vagina anchors. There's some vagina anchors over on CNN News.

They have a lot of vagina anchors over on CNN News. They have a lot of vagina anchors over there. Anybody see Anderson Cooper try to take that shot on New Year's Eve? He took four shots, alright? Powerful. Powerful. Powerful stuff. So, Luke, tell us something interesting

about you. Tell us a little fun fact. I thought you might ask... You don't have to fucking say that, Luke. Luke us something interesting about you. Like, tell us a little fun fact. I thought you might ask... You don't have to fucking say that, Luke. Luke, how old are you? I thought you might ask that. What do I do? You know what, Tony? Funny you should ask,

because I thought you were going to do that. Something in my gut told me you were going to ask me if I've done stand-up comedy before. I mean, you might as well just take me back to L.A. with you. Because I know what you're going to ask me next. I don't even know how you're going to follow this up. You're going to go, what the fuck you mean by that? Go ahead.

I was the dumbest kid at the smart kid school. I graduated early college 69th out of 70th. Yeah. Yeah. What was that 70th person like? Retarded?

I wish I knew who it was. I wish I knew. How bad of a student were you? Did you not do homework or were you really stupid? No, I just didn't do homework. I almost got kicked out, but they just kept me there. That's typical shit, though.

You don't really have to do homework. You can do zero homework and still get straight Ds. How old were you when you first had sex? Hey, there's a random... 19? You didn't know he was going to randomly ask that out of nowhere with no segue whatsoever?

Completely changing exactly what we were talking about? Well, you didn't think about it. 19? Where was it at? That's actually a weird question. A weird question? Why is that a weird question? Where was it?

It was at my house. You better tell the fucking truth. It was in my parents' bed. Whoa. Mama, I'm coming home. Was it with your mother? No. No.

No. So where were your parents at? Vacation. Really? Yeah. Where did they go? at? Vacation. Really? Yeah. Where did they go? I don't remember. Come on, dude.

How many fucking vacations do your parents take? They went to the beach. They go to the beach. Do you remember who you had over, who you had sex with? It was a lovely lady named Tori something. Sounds like a real slut to me. You still close with your parents? Yeah.

Do you know that... Do they know that you had sex in their bed that day? Yeah, they found out. You left a spot? How did they find out? Tears? There was a chalk outline of the dead body after the incident.

of the dead body after the incident. Yeah, I... What did he say? Okay. How did they find out? Somebody came to the house while we were locked in the bedroom and yelled at us, God can see you.

I don't know who it was. They said God can see you? For those of you that are... I'm trying to stay in the zone here. You're saying that you had sex with this girl in your parents' bedroom. And I asked you, did your parents ever find out that you had sex in their bedroom? You said yes. I said, how did they find out? You said that when you were having sex with a girl in your parents' bedroom that that somebody came to the front door and said, God can see you.

They came in the house. Some stranger walked into your house. I said, I guess it was like a relative of mine. A relative of yours. Yeah, I don't know which one. Walked into the house. Yeah. And said, God can see you.

Right. And then left. Yeah. And then told your parents. That's exactly what happened. And you don't know who it is? I don't. Do you know how stupid that sounds, Luke?

Like 79. I didn't plan on telling this story. Well, yeah, that's fucking life, buddy. Maybe you shouldn't have been so goddamn cocky about what you thought I was going to ask and what you didn't think I was going to ask. Nobody knows what I'm going to fucking ask. Did you know that I'm about to ask you to call your parents and tell the truth? I'm going to fucking ask. Did you know that I'm about to ask you to call your parents and tell the truth?

Well, Tony, I've already hit send. You don't have your phone? No. You lucky bitch. So did you come fast your first time? This dude comes fast every time. Yeah. God knows. come fast your first time? This dude comes fast every time. Yeah, what he says.

God knows. I think I wore, like, a condom and condoms are, like, weird. I don't like wearing condoms. Well, no one likes them. Right. I mean, I've never met anybody that's like, woo, condoms! I'll never fuck without one, dude. I fucking love this shit. Dude, it's better than sex itself.

In fact, the condom's tighter than any pussy I've ever been in. Do you know your parents' number by heart? Hey! Wow, Cat Burglar is up to a brand new scheme, and I like his fucking style. This is very, very exciting. They are whispering it so the podcast listeners cannot

decipher. We are about to call this motherfucker's parents right now. And he's about to confess. We're going to make sure that they know that he had sex in their bed. Okay. Shut the fuck up! Hello?

Hello, Mrs. Sparks. How are you? Good. Hi, my name's Tony Hinchcliffe, and I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. I'm here hosting my live podcast where we get to introduce some of the amazing new comedians here in Raleigh to the entire world. And we're interviewing what appears to be your son. Do you have a son named Luke?

I do. Well, he told us something that I found really interesting. We were talking about how and where he lost his virginity. You know, the old birds and the bees? Yes. Did you know, Mrs. Sparks, did you know that Luke actually lost his virginity in your bed that you share with Mr. Sparks? Yes. Wow.

Wow. God can see you, Luke. God can see you. Are you close with your mom? Like, is this going to be a problem tomorrow? No, she's going to laugh about this, right? She doesn't have a good sense of humor, so she won't laugh. But she'll totally, like, get over it. She'll come back around.

The goth girl didn't have a good sense of humor an hour ago. She's into it now. Anything can happen. Luke Sparks, you did it, dude. That was a lot of fun. This was completely surreal. Absolutely. Yeah, it was.

This is an awesome platform that you give people. You're damn right. I don't think people thank you enough. Yeah, it was. This is an awesome platform that you give people. You're damn right. I don't think people thank you enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, whatever Tony Hitchcock. Yeah, your time is over. Luke Sparks, everybody. There he is.

He's on Instagram at TheDolphinProceeds. TheDolphinProceeds. Benjamin Harrison is Benjamin C. Comedy. David Dalton is Dalton0923 Gonzo doesn't have social media Riley Murphy is at Big Money and Andrew Green isn't on social media let's keep this fun train movement along again though shall we

you guys want more hell yeah Dr. Drew is in the house ladies and gentlemen You guys want more? Hell yeah. Dr. Drew is in the house, ladies and gentlemen, chilling in the front row, making sure everything's safe for us here tonight, making sure nobody's suffering from too much psychological damage. I cannot wait for the conversations that Luke is about to have with his mother.

I know. Hey, we have to hear what happens. So if you can tweet us, one of us, what happens with your mom the next day. Yeah, give us a follow-up. Funny, dude, I knew you guys were going to ask that. And I actually already tweeted at you. The first thing I did when I got back to my seat,

I tweeted at you guys, like, just to let you know, nothing yet. No word back yet from mom. This is really interesting. We like weird names, you know. It's always an interesting character. This is just straight up weirdness. This isn't

one of those quotation middle names like Gonzo Gonzalez. This is just straight up interesting name. Make some noise for Cash Register. This is my first time on stage. Besides in elementary school when I played Augustus Gloop and Willy Wonka. I fell in the chocolate river and that was the last time I fell into a chocolate river.

The only chocolate river I go down now is King Street. I don't know how many people know that. I thought I was the last time I fell into a chocolate river. The only chocolate river I go down now is King Street. I don't know how many people know that. I thought I was the only one. Not real good at stand-up. My friend actually had me come up here with him. I spent $400 on a train ticket, and the most racist thing I've seen was a black train conductor. He actually told the guy that I was about to get on before us

that he was supposed to sit and coach, and he didn't even pull his ticket out yet. That was actually my friend that laughed with me that was racist too. I don't really actually know what else to say. First time on stage. I'm actually happy I'm here. That's a minute. Right there. Here he is. This is Cash Registers.

My name's actually Trent, but my last name is Register. Your what? My last name is Register, but my last name is Register. Your what? My last name is Register, but my first name is Trent. It's what? Trent. Trent? Like the capital New Jersey. Trent Register?

Yes. He said his first name is Register, and his last name is Sex Offender. All right. Well, since your first time on stage, you decided to go by the name of Cash Register. Yes. Because your last name's Register. Yes.

The goat of the first time. I actually have goats, too. You really do? Yeah. You ever fucked one of them? Have you ever fucked one of them? No. Yeah, yeah. I sacrificed them to Toby Keith, though.

Okie dokie. Back to the show. It was a family joke. So how long have you had goats for? I don't know. Three years maybe? Yeah, Trent. Three years.

I sold them to my neighbor, though. What? Three years. I sold them to my neighbor, though. Oh, okay. For those of you listening to the podcast, he has a backwards camouflage hat on. He looks like Larry the Cable Girl. And he has a very hard case of the sniffles, huh, Cash Register?

I actually just got over a cold. You're getting over a cold, huh? I was hot the whole time. Is that true? Is cocaine cold? No, no. But my friend actually has a totally different cocaine story.

Oh, well, that's just good for him. It is. So you're sick right now, Cash? No, I'm not sick. You got rid of it three days ago and you're still sniffling? Yeah, just the runny nose is all draining. This is what patient zero looks like.

Man. So you from Raleigh? Real farm here? No, I'm from St. Augustine, Florida. Did you drive here? Oh, that explains the racism in your set. Yes. So you really did ride a train here?

Yes. Was it really a four-hour train ride? No, it was about nine hours. It took overnight. It was what? Nine hours. Nine-hour train ride? No, it was about nine hours. It took overnight. It was what? Nine hours. Nine-hour train ride from Florida? Yeah.

What kind of Holocaust train were you riding on? Jesus Christ. And you said that the most racist thing that you saw was a black tranny hooker? That doesn't even... No, a train conductor that told the dude to go to coach. We know what Tony is into. I totally heard an entirely different thing. You weren't very loud.

Yeah, you were really, really quiet. I actually had the volume turned up so high for that phone call. You were quiet for a comedian. You were also pretty quiet for a cash register. I know. I don't think I hit. Normally, they're a lot louder than that. I think I'm still trying to hit through puberty, so I don't know.

Well, when it hits. I hope so. Were you hit by your parents when you were a kid? Never? No, but my dad was hit by a car. Your dad was hit by a car. Who's this absolute retarded guy?

Is that the cocaine guy that you were talking about before? Oh, yeah. You're still totally getting over that cold, huh? He does cocaine. I don't. No, I can tell. You don't need to tell us.

After we came up here, I told him. You don't need to tell us. The only guy that says woo more than him in North Carolina is Ric Flair. He's from Charlotte. Woo. Wow, man. So what do you do for work, cash register? I cook.

What do you cook? Wings. Deep fryer. Barely anything, yes. Really? Deep fryer shit. Barely anything. I barely got the job.

I don't know how I got it. Really? Because I had never cooked before. Right. Besides burning some eggs. What was never cooked before besides burning some eggs. What was the last part? Burning some eggs. Burning some eggs.

It's a breakfast place? No, it's an Irish pub but doesn't serve If you could speak softer, I would appreciate it. It's an Irish place but doesn't serve Irish food. And nothing else. Wow. Alright, well. I can hear your sniffles perfectly and nothing else wow alright well

let's do one more that's interesting so you wins your train ride back to Florida yeah I actually went ahead and went $100 more just to get the sleepers and it was kind of ridiculous

the sleeper? Oh, you're talking about the train ride here. You came here just for this? You came up to Raleigh for this show? Yeah, just for this. Wow, and you got on. Oh, you're coming to a stand-up show tomorrow? I'm coming tomorrow.

That is true for those of you here. We are doing four stand-up shows this weekend, two tomorrow and two on Saturday, where Brian and Jeremiah both do spots and I run a long set. What part of Florida are you from? St. Augustine, Florida. Northeast.

What's that? I tell you, if we ever come to Florida, man, we'll get you into that show. That's fucking great that you did that. We'll definitely get you in. We'll get you into the venue. That is what get you in. We'll get you into the venue. Thank you. That is what we will do.

You will not have to pay for a ticket if we ever go to St. Augustine, Florida. Thank you. You can go to Jacksonville, but I don't know. How old are you? I am 19. 19 years old. My God. You look like you would shoot up a school of school shooters like if they put all the school shooters together

and hid them all from guns you would still somehow find a way to hide I only live down the road from my school too so it's not that hard to run down to the school run to my house this is called incriminating evidence there goes cash register, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know. What do you guys think? One more? I'm on the deep end Watch as I dive in I'm in the deep end, watches are diving. I'm in the deep end. I'm in the deep end. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Danny Mercado. I started from a scrubbing board aboard this tiny ship that made those mighty sailor men.

I'm just gonna... Wow, you are lucky. You get two chubby Mexicans for the price of one. So I'm actually from East L.A. I don't know if a lot of you know where that is. Start with Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and drive as far away from there as you can to where the nicest ends. That's where I'm from.

Yeah, so if you look around and you see people who say, oh my gosh, were those gunshots? Then you're not there yet. You've got to keep going. That's getting further. If you do hear gunshots and you start to see some old ladies that go, that puto was probably a ratty. Two blocks make a left. That's right. to see some old ladies that go, that puto was probably a ratty. Two blocks make a left.

That's right. So I still feel like a fish out of water out here in North Carolina, you know, just because you all look like you've lived good lives. So, you know, so, but yeah, that's all I got. Thanks. All right. Well, I mean, if that's truly all that you got,

then let's talk about it, shall we? So you wrote some good, you're from East LA. You wrote some good East LA material, and then you brought it here to Raleigh, North Carolina. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. To run it and see how it goes. And so what are you doing here?

Why the fuck did you? I live in Charlotte, yeah, yeah. You live in Charlotte. How long have you lived in Charlotte, yeah. You live in Charlotte. Yeah. How long have you lived in Charlotte? A year and a half. And you went straight from East LA to Charlotte? No, I went to grad school in Pittsburgh.

And after grad school, I got hired by... What'd you go to grad school for? MBA. MBA. What are you, a forward or a guard? MBA. So what do you do now? Technology management.

Yeah. What kind of technology are you managing? Technology project management. Yeah. So what kind of technology projects are you managing? Reporting systems. Reporting systems. Is there a big technology thing here in North Carolina?

Yeah. Really? Really? I North Carolina? Yeah. Yeah? Really? Really? I would never think that. Really? Really? What the fuck kind of technology is going on here? What kind of technology you got?

Commodore 64? Yeah, we got Wi-Fi. Hell yeah, and you know what? You fancy little L.A. faggot, we ain't giving you the password either. Three and a half G. So when you saw Gonzo up here earlier, were you just like, what the fuck am I doing?

Like, that's me. Because you guys, is Gonzo still here? Gonzo, will you come up here for just a second? I have a photographic memory, and these guys are wearing the same fucking basic hat. Yeah, the paperboy hat. They both have the paperboy hat.

This is incredible. Live for the first time in Kill Tony history, a live before and after. Here, do a little spin. Everybody do a spin. Wow. Hell yeah.

Welcome to Brown Town, everybody. This is fucking incredible. Question for Gonzo. What's it like to see your younger self? If you could tell you out of grad school anything, what would it be? How old are you? I'm 33. Oh.

It's like a before, after, and before. It's a before and before-er. Jesus Christ. Gonzo, you are a gigantic infant. You're 33? What the fuck, man? You've seen some crazy shit in your day. Man, you need to tell that Native American wife of yours to, uh... I don't know what. Sometimes. Uh-oh.

She makes bomb-ass cornbread, though. Does she? Yes, we can see that. All right, Gonzo. I'm going to finish up with Danny. One more time for Gonzo, everybody. So, Danny, that's very interesting. I just found out that you're 38 years old. And so you're out here.

What's life like? You have a girlfriend? No. No. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? You have a boyfriend? Anything like that? Two years ago.

Boyfriend? Girlfriend. Girlfriend. Two years ago. What happened? How did that end? I decided to move to grad school. To Pittsburgh. To Pittsburgh, yep. Right.

You miss her? Not really, no. No? You hear that, bitch? He does not miss you. Wow. So what do you do for fun now? Just started actually trying to do stand-up about two months ago. Other than stand-up. You have like a drone or something like that?

No, no, no. I do photography. You do photography? Yeah. Huh. What do you like to take pictures of the most? I've done some portrait work, street photography. You do photography? Yeah. Huh. What do you like to take pictures of the most? I've done some portrait work, street photography. Yeah.

Yeah. Huh. Danny. Mostly playgrounds. Yeah. Is that true? No. No, no, no, no.

No. Stay away. Danny. What kind of car do you have? 2006 Jetta. 2006 Jetta. You're from East LA. That's where your parents are?

Yes. You ever go back and visit? Yeah. We're there all the time. Who's we when you say we're there all the time? Well, my family. I'm the only one out here this East. So everybody's back in California.

Everybody's back in California. Everybody's back in California. It's just you out here. You have an apartment? Yep, an apartment. Just by yourself? Yes. You have an apartment? 2006 Jetta. You work on technology project management, but you can't really be specific about what it is

that you do. Well, I don't want any employers out there. Right, right, right. Man. Went to USC. You did? You went to USC? You miss it, don't you? You miss California.

Yeah, the Mexican food out here is fucking garbage. Of course it is. What are you thinking? Of course it fucking is. There are no Mexicans here. Yeah, you're it, dude. You're it. They don't even like Mexicans here. Not to mention Mexican food. Fuck that. I go to Chi-Chi's

once a week. Chi-Chi's? Yeah. Never forget. That's what we say here in Raleigh. Never forget. Chi-Chi's. Best goddamn tortilla chips. You can't find those in the grocery store because they ship them to the store. all the chips fucking break in the bag.

That's the funniest shit ever. Chi-Chi's had chips that was the size of goddamn pizza slices. That was my first Mexican food. You're damn right. That's what Danny Mercado's eating. Born in East L.A., now he's stuck with motherfucking Chi-Chi's. Danny, what else, man? You seem like, I feel like there's something

that we're not really finding out about you. Like, there's, like, something about you that you know would make this room explode. Like, a little, yeah. I'm also a Navy vet, you know. A Navy vet? Wow. That's incredible.

Is it an old Navy vet? Damn it. What'd you do in the Navy? Radar operator. Wait a second. Gonzo was in the fucking... Oh, that was the Army. What'd you do in the Navy? Radar operator. Radar

operator. Oh, shit. That's a fucking... I know something about that, right? We know something about that. Hey. That's one of the 34 sound effects that we have on the show. It's often interesting. So your radar, you're a master of a radar. Do you have a good gaydar?

Yeah, I think so. We're going to do it with this audience right now. Just start pointing at people saying, you gay, you gay. Let us know. We've done this before. This is a segment we call What's Up With That Gaydar? Danny Mercado. Point out who you think's gay.

Oh, man. If you want to kill, just point at me. Headshot. Oh, my God. All right. Are you a gamer? You seem like a gamer. No.

No. What's your favorite? What's the last thing on Netflix that you liked? Jesus Christ This is like trying to put a gold bullion To a screen door Not happening Bumping mics

Jeff Ross and David Tell Those guys are great Okay You know what? Danny Mercado We're going to let you go There he goes Danny Mercado I'm sorry but I just don't think we can end it like that You know what Danny Mercado We're gonna let you go there he goes Danny Mercado D Mercado J

I'm sorry but I just don't think We can end it like that Red Band I think we have to do one more And so we shall Just a little bit Just a little bit something too crazy We came all the way from LA For this and then I end up Getting here and I got a guy talking about LA It's a little bit something too crazy. We came all the way from L.A. for this.

Then I end up getting here, and I got a guy talking about L.A. Have we had a woman up here tonight? No, let's do a woman. Let's do a woman. Funny, funny, funny. I should mention that because I just pulled one out. And this will end the show. Your first stand-up comedian of the night goes by the name of Caroline Smith.

Caroline Smith Caroline Smith Here we go Here she comes Oh shit Oh hell yeah Caroline Smith. Come on, one more time. Your final comedian of the night, Caroline Smith.

Hi. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good to be here. I just had surgery, in case you were wondering why my tits are so big. I'm realizing I'm kind of an asshole. I know that because the last time a homeless person asked me for money, I pretended I was retarded. I get that that's like a sensitive thing. I get that watching someone in a wheelchair use the word retarded is like watching a Hispanic person use the n-word where you're like does she count or

I feel like retarded people are inherently a little bit less racist because they can't enunciate hard R's. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. She just got a goddamn standing ovation She's the only person not standing right now Very amazing That was beautiful Caroline Smith, that was fucking awesome

Best set of the night Best set of the night Yeah, definitely best set of the night. How long have you been doing stand-up for? A little over a year. Wow, that is incredible. What is the actual condition? Cerebral palsy.

Cerebral palsy. That's interesting. I didn't... That's... That's not what that is. Rouge band! Caroline Smith has cerebral palsy. That's crazy, because I always thought that you died at the end of Poltergeist.

We have a touching moment on the show, and it is gone in ten seconds. It was an incredible intro. I almost didn't know what was going on for a second. There was like a four-man team that quickly, the one with the wheelchair, one with you. It was very impressive. It was like a pit stop of some kind. Like, and then you're just up here killing.

That is fucking awesome. You're from here in Raleigh, North Carolina? Wow, that is fucking awesome. You're from here in Raleigh, North Carolina? Wow. That is so cool. Man. Do you get up a lot? Yeah. Probably like four or five times a week. Wow. You're unstoppable. That's incredible.

I mean, I think I don't know how they do that America's Got Talent shit or whatever the fuck, but I mean, I don't know how they do that America's Got Talent shit or whatever the fuck, but I mean, you know, we got to figure out a way to fucking get you a shot on something because you are a very, very touching, very touching story. I'm so glad I listened to my gut and went back to that bucket. Yeah, definitely.

Fucking somehow was lucky enough to pull you out because I'm pretty sure, and there's a lot of fucking names still in this thing, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't get much more interesting than this. If you're ever in Los Angeles, you have a spot. You have a spot in Los Angeles. There you go. On whatever show Red Band's doing. Not on Kill

Tony, but yeah. But on some Death Squad show at the Ice House or something like that. No, and Kill Tony. If you come to Kill Tony, we'll put you there. No, no way. I don't care about her that much. We can't set a precedent like that. No, I'm just kidding.

I agree. Just like with the guy in San Francisco, you have the golden ticket. Anytime you're in L.A., you have a spot on Kill Tony at the Comedy Store in L.A. Fucking amazing, man. Amazing. Who were those guys that helped you?

Who's your team? Just friends? They're also comics. Also comics. Wow. I mean, you know, and bravo to those guys over there because a lot of comedians, you know,

only care about themselves and a lot of the comedians I know in LA wouldn't be caught for a second carrying someone around with cerebral palsy you know what I mean and you know cool that they're that selfless and good of friends and obviously

you know they want you to help their career when you're a star yeah so fucking awesome thank you so much I couldn't have asked for a better ending to this show Caroline Caroline Smith, everybody. And that is Kill Tony Live. Raleigh, North Carolina.

We did it. Infinite CBD. Bet DSI. Motherfucking Caroline Smith, everybody. Hell yeah. There she goes. There goes some other comedians, too. That was awesome. There she goes. There goes some other comedians too. That was awesome.

That was unbelievable. Cat Burglar! Very fun show tonight. You gotta get that hair dryer back to the hotel, huh? Oh, he's got the Cat Burglar shirts available for sale. Right over there. Hell yeah. He originally stole them.

He's going to be reselling them like a real Cat Burglar motherfucking does. Check out Cat Burglar's podcast, Jeremiah Wonders, and a bunch of other fun stuff that's going on. London, England, Manchester, England, Dublin, Ireland. The world tour started tonight here in Raleigh, North Carolina. That is what an episode

of Kill Tony looks like. We had a lot of good moments. We had a mom find out that her son lost his virginity in her bed. She hung up on us. We had Caroline Smith come up here and get a standing ovation from a wheelchair

Which is just very powerful shit That was beautiful Let's not forget about Cash Register Andrew Green Drew Robertson, Riley Murphy Gonzo Gonzalez, David Dalton Benjamin Harrison, Luke Sparks We did it Red Band

That was amazing, thank you guys so much Four shows, four stand-up shows this weekend. Two tomorrow, two on Saturday. I'm doing a very long set. These guys are doing sets. Come watch us. Cat Burglar. I've got a new video on my Instagram on Jeremiah Stand-Up or on YouTube.

A Green Beret heckler hit me in the balls on stage. That's true. Watch that online now. Available balls on stage. That's true. Watch that online now. Available. Animated. That's true. I posted one on Instagram yesterday of me having to own a table of drunk ladies at the Irvine Improv.

You know. These audience members think they can come for the throne, Cat Burglar. I don't know what's going on. I'm the rest of the evening. Thank you guys. Rowley, thank you so much. for the throne, Cat Burglar. I don't know what's going on. I'm not estimating us, Cat Burglar. Thank you, guys. Rowley, thank you so much.

Have a great night. We love you. We love you. I know you need me Just want to get up And go take a seat, baby