KILL TONY - KILL TONY #320

Episode Date: January 25, 2019

Jeff Ross, William Montgomery, David Deery, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/21/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode available to download, and you also have video portions to this show.

Click on Tour Dates to come see us live. Not only do we do a comedy story every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are on the road. We are coming to Phoenix January 26th. February 14th, we'll be in Ireland. February 15th, we'll be in Manchester. February 16th, we'll be in Ireland. February 15th will be in Manchester. February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Philadelphia.

Now check all these different venues because we also are doing a lot of comedy shows here too. So your mileage may vary. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website, ryanjebelt.com. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And that's ryanjebelt.com.

And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have some Kill Tony shirts left, but they're going fast. We got some Death Squad shirts, mugs, and hats. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hensclap. Hey, everybody. Welcome. Come on, make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Redman is here. What is up, guys? The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. While you guys sit there doing nothing,

Ryan J. draws the episode, including the guests and everything else that's going on in the show. It's very exciting. All those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com, including all the amazing Kill Tony posters that he's made. Tonight is about tonight.

I'm very excited about things. Hello to the thousands and thousands watching live around the globe on YouTube. Very exciting. These people here are living vicariously for you. Very exciting stuff. We are taking the show around the world. We're going to Dublin, Manchester, and London.

Very few tickets, if any, available at all. I know Dublin the show around the world. We're going to Dublin, Manchester and London. Very few tickets if any available at all. I know Dublin, Ireland has sold out. There's a chance that there might be some. Manchester and London. Who knows? And then I do six nights of stand-up after that. That's February 14th to the 23rd. That's next month. In a couple weeks I'm going to be in Calgary doing stand-up

with Jeremiah Watkins. But this Saturday we're all doing a massive Kill Tony, our return to Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah, and a nice daytime edition of it also. It's going to be interesting. 3 p.m. at Stand Up Live, a massive 650-seat venue there, which we've done before. One of the best comedy clubs anywhere in the country. We're very excited about that. Ryan J. Ebald actually drew up an amazing print.

I think we're going to be lugging some of those out there with us. And I think we're probably going to fulfill that prophecy of that print because it has you drunk with a cigarette in your mouth and a margarita. And a jacket that you just made fun of me last week because you said I look homeless. Yeah. And that's the star of it. Yeah. No, it's true. And we're also taking Kill Tony to Philly.

Philadelphia has wanted one for a long time. So you get one March 21st. And I'm doing stand-up the 22nd and 23rd with all your favorite Kill Tony members along with me. That's gonna be a lot of fun. We love Philadelphia. Something's happening. A little bit of feedback. And we got Dom Irera next week. One of our favorite

guests in the world. I haven't seen him in a while. The motherfucking legend killer, Dom Irera. It's a really exciting time. You know what I mean? I think a lot of people in our position with the show growing at a massive rate, a global phenomenon can really stress you out. And stress causes hair loss. It's one of the things that happens.

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to start tonight's episode or what? Yeah, we're a real podcast with very real ads. And we also have very real guests. Every single week I have one of my funniest friends or two of my funniest friends. This is a one-seater because it's a big'em. This is the return of one of our favorite guests, one of my best friends, one of my mentors, a guy that I fucking love.

I'm so excited that he's back with us. Always an amazing episode when he's here. I present to you the great and powerful Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross! Here he is. The great Jeffrey Ross, fresh off of Netflix's Bumping Mics. He presents Roast Battle on Comedy Central.

He has thick skin, available on iTunes and where all podcasts are. And he's going to be at the Borgata with David Till Memorial Day weekend. That's right. Hi, everybody. How you doing? Great to be back on Kill Tony. Heck, yeah. Well, we're excited to have you back.

This is my 12th favorite podcast. Are you still doing your podcast? I know you've been doing it for a while, right? Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. It's number 2087 on iTunes. Well, we're excited to have you back

fresh off of Bumping Mike's extreme, extreme success. Thank you. You're a Netflix guy now. Yeah. Feels good, huh? I like to, you know, I like to be a citizen of the world. I like to Netflix guy now. Yeah. Feels good, huh? I like to be a citizen of the world. I like to spread it around.

Yeah, that's a good way to do it. Netflix, Comedy Central, the Comedy Store main room. Yeah. This is a dream come true. Pauly Shore once took a shit backstage. That's true. And he once took a shit on stage, too, I do believe. I think I was here that night.

Sir, are you texting a better comedy show right now? What's this fucking guy doing in the front row? We're losing these two myth busters if they had AIDS here in the front row. Put your phone away, jerk-off. Put it away. Dumbass. Stand up for a second, sir. Yeah, stand up.

Say hi to the people behind you if you want to text. Do you want to communicate with others? Is that standing up to you, you piece of shit? I have to have security remove you? Is that what's up? Stand the fuck up and wave to the people behind you so that they see that you do look like a myth buster with AIDS. I wasn't lying.

There you go. You got your own spotlight. He looks like Waldo's DJ. Speaking of DJs, we love great music here on the show. And as you know, Jeff, we have a band on this show, some of the best goddamn improvisers anywhere, and they're the best damn band in the land. Every single week, they commit to being different characters.

I never know what they're going to be. Sometimes they're nerds. Sometimes they've been construction workers they were last week. We never know what's going to happen. They stay in character the whole time. They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy. Make some noise for them. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins,

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. What will they be tonight? Here we go. There must be music playing. Yes. Whoa! We've seen these guys before.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. They are newscasters again here tonight. One of our favorite groups of characters ever. Legends on Kill Tony. The newscasters are back. Am I correct about that? That's right, Tony.

We're back here live on the scene. Wow. I am pumped. J-Dub's back at the helm, full newscaster mode. He's got papers and everything. This just in, this show will be fire.

Heck yeah. We got Chroma Chris over there. Silent but deadly. How are you, Chroma? I'm good. It's sports with me. Tad gay. Tad gay? I'm tad gay.

And then back here we clearly have Mexican Dracula. Actually, Tony, I'm the weatherman. Wet backs. I'm telling you. I'm Chet Lightning, and this is your Kill Tony news team. Wow, I am so excited that the newscasters are back on the show. Some of the biggest legends in Kill Tony band history.

Breaking news, Jeremiah farted. Breaking news, it was definitely Jeff Ross. Wow. Wow. I mean, we have it all here. The whole cast and crew is here. We have Jeff Ross, the roast master general, and the newscast team. So let's get this party started.

I here have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Two hours ago, while you guys were all eating dinner and relaxing, drinking coffee, getting ready, a bunch of comedians were already on the patio signing up for the opportunity to get their name in this bucket. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds on this stage, and they get interviewed by this whole crazy thing up here. We find out more about them and about their lives and what makes them different. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

All right. You guys ready to start this thing? Here we go. This is it. We are live from the world famous comedy store. We got Danny Lucas up in the bird's nest up there. I am excited. And now

it comes down to someone getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Could be their first time. Could be one of our favorite characters. Who knows? Let's see what happens. Make some noise for your first comedian. He goes by the name of Rob Smallwood. That sounds familiar.

I think I know Rob. Rob Smallwood. I'm not seeing movement. No movement. All right, we got blacklisted. Whoa, Jeremiah, what do you think about this guy getting blacklisted? Crime is on the rise here at Kill Tony. All right, I go back to the bucket.

Make some noise for your first comedian of the night. Uninterrupted, 60 seconds, going to Molly Kaufman. That person's here. Molly Kaufman's don't miss their spots. From the back corner. There she is. She's got a good taste coming. No sleep.

Hey! Hey! Till Brooklyn. Case coming. No sleep. Hey. Till Brooklyn. Till Brooklyn. One more time for Molly Kaufman, everybody. All right. Thank you. So my mom was adopted, and she recently did a DNA test. Is anyone doing 23andMe on that train? Yeah, chugga chugga. Who am I? Who am I? My mom found out she's 97% Jew. I'm from Montana. I didn't realize Jews were real. So big shocker. Montana I didn't realize Jews were real so big shocker um actually on the books it's 97% Ashkenazi Jew Ashkenazi is like a scientific word for European descent and Jew means you're white

but just barely gotta trick them gotta be sneaky that's how, that's how I'm here. Thanks, ancestors. No. Oh, and 97%, that means like, I'm white, but kind of like an off-white. Because if you're 97%, that means I could die of a hate crime. But still can't apply for diversity

scholarships. We out here. Thank you. Hell yeah. Alright, Molly Kaufman. Getting the party started. How's it going, Molly? Good. How long you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years?

Where at? Montana. Tony, this just in. There's been a bombing in the main room of the comedy school. Oh my goodness. Allegedly three years. Joel Berg is here in the flesh. Our top story tonight, a woman who looks like the inside of a vacuum cleaner.

And we are off and running. This is... Oh, my goodness. Molly, I like your style. How long have you been here from Montana? How long have you been in Los Angeles? A year and a half. A year and a half. You've been doing stand-up...

So you started in Montana and a year and a half here. Hell yeah. What do you do for work? Like, I'm a full-time student, and then I do odd jobs. Oh, what are you studying? Oh, theater. Wow. Hell yeah.

What are you going to do, tear tickets? Head projectionist? I know it's wrong, but... Now, Molly, is that true? You were adopted, or your mom was adopted? My mom was adopted. And you found out your ethnicity? Is that true, by a DNA test?

Yeah, 23andMe. We also found seven half-siblings of hers and her bio dad. Wow. So it's been a fun Christmas break. So her bio dad, that means what? Some guy that came in a cup or something? No, like, because she was adopted, and so her actual dad's still living.

Her biological father. Bio dad? I think that means it's Pauly Shore. Oh my god. So Molly, how do you, I'm just curious, do you get a lot of scholarships or something? How do you survive? I've never understood how students from other places come here, can do school, survive. Oh, I think Brian figured it out. Yeah, we have scholarships.

Sorry, I say we. I have scholarships, but I'm graduating a year early because my dad won't help. So we got to get out quick because he's hiking up my financial aid. It's fine. I'm fine a year early because my dad won't help so we gotta get out quick because he's hiking up my financial aid. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's great. Wait, so you,

I don't even understand what you just said. I know. I try to keep it simple and then I got stressed and now we're here. So your dad doesn't want to pay for school anymore? Or talk to me. Ugh.

Wow. I think you're right about that. Yeah, I think that's, you are definitely, no need for the 23andme you are jewish molly uh it is official i know but i was from montana so i was like they're not real oh no like so that's your last christmas you'll ever have so uh what is your dad what does your dad do in mont? Oh, he lives in Las Vegas. Oh, wow. There you go.

He's becoming more and more Jewish every question I ask. Both of my parents are criminal offense lawyers. There you go. They're lawyers. Hit that shit. Hey. Wow. That is fucking wild.

Criminal offense lawyers. Man. Jeez lawyers. Man. Defense. Have you ever go cheer them on in the courtroom or anything like that? No. Wow, they're career defense lawyers and they still can't defend your choice of career. Well, my mom wanted me to go to a liberal arts school So I don't know Molly what's like your biggest dream

What do you hope to do with the theater degree You're doing stand up What do you think I think I would love to be a professional comedian I don't know if it would be for stand up though Okay now here's where I butt in I just I was about to lie honestly

I expected this Molly Yeah go ahead, Jeff. Sorry, I'll wait. No, no, no. This is what I want. No, you're good. Anytime.

Do you call on me or do I get to just comment whenever? No, it's just sort of free-flowing. We do this every week. You can just jump in whenever. Molly, that was a great effort. I really like how you just went the extra mile with the racist anti-Semitic jokes out of the gate. All your jokes are bad and the premise is anti-Semitic.

But I like your gumption how you're just willing to put it all out there. Molly, is that your name? Yeah, like the drug. I think you are what you eat. You think I'm what? I literally spaced out. I don't know. What's the matter? I think you are what you eat. You think I'm what? I literally spaced out.

What's the matter? What's the matter? Why are you stressed out? I have so much fun ever. You fucking killed it. This crowd loved you. You got like half a laugh after the second show. Yeah.

I mean, you got picked. A lot of a lot of a lot of getting an opportunity in show business is just about. I love how you. Yeah. I love how you just pulled the blanket out of the green room and came up here. I know. I was cold. I look like a grandmother trying to live her hippie youth. This just in, the dead are

less grateful. Oh, yeah. Is that true, Molly? Are you sort of a hippie, a free spirit? You smoke pot? I have asthma, so... I'll eat pot. Oh, I bet you will, Molly.

I bet you will. My hometown's really granola, and I think it rubbed off on me. Your name... your, wait, what? The name of your hometown is actually called granola? No, it's Missoula, Montana, but it's very hippy-dippy compared to the rest of Montana. Oh, okay. Well, I'll tell you what, Molly.

One thing we are grateful for is the fact that you got us kick-started off here tonight. It's a tough position, the number one spot. Thank you. Thank you very much. We'll see you again soon. Molly Kaufman, everybody. She's on Twitter, at molly.kauffman. That's two F's.

K-A-U-F-F-M-A-N. Follow her on social media. A blooming L.A. resident. She is. My glasses. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This. resident. She is. My glasses. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like another new name.

Let's all meet Corbin LeMaster. Corbin LeMaster. Where's Corbin at? I don't see any movement. I don't see any movement either. Looks like we have another blacklist. Wow. We got another comedian blacklist.

These people are missing their spots. Josh, do we have people in a holding tank tonight? What? Okay. Is Corbin LeMaster there? Are you repeating these names out there? Yeah. Guam?

Okay. But when I say the name, are you going to repeat the name to the lobby? Yes, he is. Very good. If you don't tell Guam exactly what to do when I say the name, are you going to repeat the name to the lobby? Yes, he is. Very good. If you don't tell Guam exactly what to do, he doesn't do it. Could I do Corbin's time? Yeah, you want to do 60 seconds? Yeah. Hey, let's do it.

Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. Wow. So much crazy shit going on. I mean, can you believe they announced today that R. Kelly is hosting the Oscars? Can I get a rim shot for the newscasters on that one? Anyway,

the shutdown, 32 days shutdown 32 days and you know wouldn't it be crazy if we found out that Nancy Pelosi and Donald Trump have been fucking this whole time how many more do I have anyway I gotta get out of here and go home and jerk off to that Kevin Spacey video that he put out over Christmas.

It's another nine seconds. Nine more seconds? Nine. All right. Well, all my jokes are 12 seconds long. There you go. The Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. flog.

There you go. The Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. There's only two other guests in the history. A little fun fact. I know this one offhand. Only two other guests in the history of the show have ever done 60 Seconds and done that. It's Ron White and the great Dom Irera.

A little fun fact for you. Jeffrey Ross adding himself up with... I got jealous. The guy missed his stage time, and I was like, wow, what a fucking sweet spot. Sold out crowd. It's like you want to get up there and rip in 60 seconds. Well, I pulled another name out of the bucket, and I'm excited about this because I know for a fact

that I've never pulled this name out before. I would remember this. Make some noise for the Kleitsch Brothers. The Kleitsch Brothers or the Kleitsch Brothers. Here they come. They're running from the lobby. From the holding tank. Coming all the way around.

They really are brothers it appears. That's how you get to stage too. Hell yeah. Come on. Make some noise. It's the Kleitsch Brothers. All right. Thank you guys. So we are twins in case there's any blind people

in the audience tonight. That's right. Actually, it's for the drunk people so you don't think you're seeing double. Yeah. And if you are drunk and you are seeing double,

we look like a Duck Dynasty boy band right now. We could be like the Quack Street Boys or something. That'd be hey power rangers was racist oh yeah let's get right into it season one power rangers super racist black ranger was black that's right a little aggressive wesley but all right the yellow ranger was? Asian. Somebody said yellow. Yellow!

That yellow one was yellow. I know my colors. Let's throw him a softball real quick. The white ranger was? The best. The best. Right? Come on.

Come on. You guys like the white. You guys say white power. We'll say ranger. Go. We got that guy again. All right. We're from down south. We do that joke. We're on stage for 45 minutes just going... Ranger!

Ranger! Where did all these tiki torches come from? There's a lot of khaki... All right. We've been the Kleitsch Brothers. The Kleitsch Brothers, everybody. Hell yeah. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Wow.

This is our first time ever having twins on this show, and it's history. I've always wondered what it would be like if the Sklar Brothers became doomsday preppers. We're a lot like the Lucas Brothers, but white and nerdy. We're the George Lucas Brothers. Hey, I like that. How long have you guys been doing stand-up? Three years together, so six combined. How long have you guys been doing stand-up? Three years together, so six combined.

Yeah. I started three years before him, so six for me, nine for him. Wait, hold on. What? Do you guys just ever

just like punch each other in the face? My goodness. I jerk a guy off that looks a lot like him like all the time. Wow. This is very exciting.

I have so many questions for you. You guys live somewhere else? Yeah, we're from Arkansas. Arkansas. Yeah, we actually saw you in Dallas when you came to Dallas. Six of us came from Little Rock to see you, and you pulled three of our names out of the bucket. That's right.

I remember that, that whole caravan from Little Rock. You called us the NWO of Kill Tony, and that's the greatest moment of my life so far. Wow, how cool. And look at this. Now you're here at home field doing it. How long are you guys in L.A. for? So we just moved here.

We've been here for about two months. We've actually been on the potluck twice so far. Wow. Is that just once, but you counted as twice? Oh, you get to put two separate names in, so you kind of get... We did. So if we get called up again, do we get another minute? It's a numbers game. Yeah.

You have twice the odds. That's right. Very cool. And you just moved here a month and a half ago. I'm Arkansas. Yeah. You guys have a job or something already, or how are you surviving? Well, we're comedians, so we're Ubering. Yeah, you guys have a job or something already? Or how are you surviving? Well, we're comedians, so we're Ubering. I think you mean Tuber.

I liked it. You can find us on Twinder. We're on that app, too. There's a bunch of apps. Did you guys Uber in Arkansas, or is this something you just started out here? Yeah, they don't have Uber in Arkansas. Right, and you guys drive two separate cars?

Well, only one of us has a driver's license, so technically... Technically, you both can use it. Oh. Wow. And if you fuck up on one of your names, like a DUI, you could just start using the other person's name. I've gotten David a DUI before. That's what happened.

Yeah. No, it's 100% true story. That's a real true story. You should have seen the look on his face when he had to bail himself out of jail. I was like, I go, you asshole. I was like, why did you tell the cop my name? And he was like, I was drunk.

I was like, of course you were drunk. That's how you get a DUI. And he goes, that's how you get a DUI. Wow. Wow. You guys are funny. Holy shit. Wow. No, I was giving you the other mic

so you don't have to share the microphone. I know. No, have one, Jeff. Have one. Let him share. I want you to have one. I need this more than you do. Come on.

Let's all be honest. Man, this is so exciting. The first ever twins in Kill Tony history. That's not true. You guys have triplets, right? Yeah, but they're not identical. They all look different and weird, all gnomey and shit. Unlike us. You know, like, so many twins,

you know, what makes you guys funny? You know, there's not many funny twins. It's such a rare thing just to be twins and then to be funny. Like, what kind of fucked up thing happened it's true what was your childhood like only one of you get molested by your dad and the other one hates it

you ever accidentally jerk him off thinking that you're masturbating I do it on purpose that was a twincess joke twincess joke. Twincess. Give me a spot at the ice house already. They only have one microphone there.

Fuck this guy. I'm doing all the work. Man, what else? You guys ever use your twin powers for anything else other than driving and things like that? Are you asking if we switch girlfriends? Sure. Have you? That's rape. You just casually you asking if we switch girlfriends? Sure. Have you? That's rape. You just casually asked us if we rape people. This must be Kill Tony, I guess.

We're identical brothers, not fraternity brothers. Man, these guys are good. These guys are good. These guys are good. And I knew you were good, actually, in your set. People over here started yelling, which I don't know. Obviously, it must be new people or something, because we have a zero heckle policy here,

because everybody only gets 60 seconds, and either you had the balls to sign up or you didn't have the balls to sign up, and either you got up or you didn't. But even though they did heckle, you went with it. You went with that yellow ranger thing, and you went with the flow on that, which is, again, not easy to do. It's probably

harder to deal with hecklers when there's two of you. Being from Arkansas, we're ready for racism at all times. Right. You two do look like you would stand in front of a Native American tribe while they are at the level. You're even wearing hoods. Yeah. My goodness.

I fucking love it man So you guys live here now What's your living situation? You guys have roommates? We moved out here with six other comedians from Arkansas Really? We brought our own bringers for bringer shows Rins for cheap

Wow We're over in NoHo Oh okay You guys been on any dates or anything yet? You say you don't rape people, but... Hashtag we too. God, you're so good. I'm totally delighted by you guys.

You guys are... What are your names? The Kleitsch Brothers. David and Wesley. are your names? The Kleitsch brothers. David and Wesley. David and Wesley. The Kleitsch brothers? That sounds like a disease. They died of the Kleitsch.

Spelled just like it sounds like shit. It's funny you say that. My mom went to the gynecologist one time and they called her back as Pamela Klittich. How long was the walk here from Arkansas? The horses did most of the work So we're good So have you guys been on any dates or anything like that

Since being here? Not yet but we're hoping this really turns things around Usually I don't Especially if you brought it up But I would like to invite you February 15th. Hey, look at that. February, yeah. Wait, we are in, fun fact,

we are definitely in Manchester, England that night. So if I want to pick another date. No, the show still goes on. Oh, okay. It just won't be a podcast. Well, there you go. February 15th at the Ice House. Hell yeah.

There they go. The Kleitsch Brothers, everybody. You saw them here first. K-L-E-I-T-C-H. There they go. They're getting a double hug from the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. And I think this goes without saying, guys, but you definitely have to fucking make sure you sign up for the next America's Got Talent or whatever the hell, because you guys have definitely a natural knack for this.

Get rid of the other four people you came from Arkansas with, stab them in the back, Game of Thrones style, and make something out of yourselves. They actually said, they told me they're going to be on a reality show, so you think you have a recessive gene. Isn't it crazy

the difference between someone with three years of experience from Arkansas and someone with three years of experience from Montana? It's just amazing sometimes. I love that noise. On to the next one, shall we? You guys having fun out there?

Alright. On to the next one, shall we? You guys having fun out there? All right. All right, I pulled another one out. Make some noise for Devorah Kasdan from San Diego, it says. Devorah Kasdan. From the Lucky Corner? Yeah, from the Lucky Corner again. There's always somebody from that table. Oh, we know her.

We do? There's always somebody from that table. Oh, we know her. We do? Here she comes. Devorah Kasdan. Hell yeah. Dorian Kasdan.

Hi. So, I really like basic bitches. I like basic bitches because I don't have any basic social skills so I feel like every time I go to a party I just need to like have a troop of basic bitches around me oh I'm winded okay to remind me of like basic social cues like you know just like have them tell me like make eye contact smile don't stab anyone I'm like why not um yeah I'm trying to figure out what I look like so I could be more relatable on stage like some people have told me I look like the Mad Max Furiosa chick. Other people have told me I look like Eleven from Stranger Things. Someone told me the other day that I look like the boy that's on the cover of Mad Magazine.

There you go. Devorah Kasdan, everybody. What you worry? Wow. I think you look like the guy that organized the fire festival. I'll take it. You should try that one. Throw that one in the mix.

Like a young Mark Cuban. Has anyone ever told you that? Mark Cuban? No. Tony, come on. I loved you as the kid on The Wonder Years. You are awesome. I love it.

Devorah, welcome. Am I saying that right, Devorah? Yes. This just in. Neverland has been confirmed as a real place. Heck yeah. Wow, Devorah, welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? Yes.

And you are from San Diego. It says in parentheses next to your name. You drove here today? Yeah, well I'm staying in Pasadena right now. Oh, okay. How long have you not been doing comedy? Well, I'm 27, and I've not been doing it for 26 years. So this is your first year. Yes.

Congratulations. Little baby. That's awesome. Yeah, how's it been going so far? I love the part where you said that joke has never gotten that big of a laugh before, and it's because the people were laughing at the lady that overreacted to the one part of it. I don't know if you heard it. Oh, okay.

But someone was like, ah! And everybody's like, ha-ha, that's funnier than what's going on on stage. And they laughed. It was just very organic. You can't make this stuff up. So, Devorah, you've been doing it a year. You started at 26. Is stand-up something you always wanted to do,

or did you just sort of get that Netflix itch, or what happened? By Netflix itch, I mean a yeast infection, by the way. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Yeah, it's a combination of a yeast infection and podcasts. Yeah? Yeah. Well, that's fun.

Did you start a podcast, too? No. I've yet to start it. Should I start a podcast? Are you suggesting that? I think you should just do it in your house to yourself. Oh. Sounds about right.

That'd be awesome. You said that you like basic bitches. That's your way of saying that you're a lesbian. No, I... No, I didn't get that. I thought with that and the haircut, but no. I know, people assume, no. In a shocking turn of events.

Back to you in the studio, Tony. And we are back, live at Kill Tony at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. We are here with Devorah Kasdan, who we just found out is not a lesbian. Heck yeah. Families are crying in the streets right now, appalled by the image that this woman has been putting out into the universe. A very sad turn of events indeed. Yes, not a lesbian.

Obviously into guys that want to fuck dudes. Hell yeah. Gay guys. It's the opposite. We thought she was a lesbian. Turns out she's a gay man all along. Unbelievable. Heck yeah.

This just in, a marionette puppet has cut its own strings and is walking down the street. Be on the lookout. The suspect is at large. Hell yeah. Wow. So Devorah, I mean, you know. So let me ask you this.

How long have you had your hair cut that way? For five years. Five years. You have a boyfriend? No. No. Are you in the military? Are you in the military?

San Diego? That's a fair question. You used to be in the military. No? No. Are you in the military? Are you in the military, San Diego? That's a fair question. You used to be in the military. Are you a cop? Are you a cop? I'm not a cop. What made you cut your hair that way? Just out of curiosity.

Nothing offensive here. She's a big fan of the North Korean hockey team. I'm a big fan of the North Korean hockey team. I don't know why people think it's a big deal that I have short hair. I feel like people make it out like, oh, you had a mental break or something. I mean, I've had mental breaks, but I cut my hair before the mental break. Oh, that means it wasn't a mental break then. Okay, so I get it.

So you like it that way is the answer. And by the way, I assumed you were a lesbian not from the hair. Remember, it's because you said, I like basic bitches, but the basic bitches, that whole thing. I'm like, oh, okay, clearly with that and the haircut, she's a lesbian. I thought it was a twofer. She meant when she rolls out to the club, she likes to bring her basic bitches. Yeah, I need basic bitches to help me interact with the two.

So let me ask you about that then. What do you do? What do you do with friends? And what do you like to, how do you like to, when you're not doing stand-up, what do you like to do for fun? Other than scissor other women. I'm not going to give up on this. Her parents might be listening to the podcast

and she might not want them to know. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. I try to have fun, but I don't really. Like what? Just give us an example. I barely get out myself. You know what I mean?

I like to go to the dog park sometimes with my wife and the dog. That's basically what I've been doing for fun. Your turn. You go clothes... I smoke weed. I go to church sometimes. Whoa! You go to church?

Wow. You buy your clothes at a pet store. Yeah. Man, you ever been at the church and one of the priests tries to jerk you off? Ew. Has a priest ever invited you

to be one of his altar boys before? Why was there a dog sound effect there? Why would the dog be at the church with the priest and her? Pet clothes joke that Jeff did Oh, okay, I missed it I like how people through pain in shows have to have

really thick skin in comedy What made you want to even come on Kill Tony today? I'm curious I mean, I've been doing stand-up I don't know I like the comedy store Hell yeah, I've been doing stand-up. I don't know. I don't know. I like the comedy store. Hell yeah. No, I get it, man.

I mean, I was here before in August, so I like being here. I like being around people. I just like the culture. No, I get it. I get it. I mean, if I was just starting out, I would sign up for this show before I was prepared to do it, too.

I would be doing the same thing. And I'm serious. I didn't mean that as a joke. I would be learning from fucking, you know, the people around you that have been doing it and doing it a lot and doing it at a high level. And, you know, this is everything. Everything makes you stronger, you know.

So I think there's a lot of positives to take from this. You got roasted on a high level, and a lot of people want that for their birthdays and things like that. So, you know, you got to take the high road. I feel like this is just a young boy that his terminals wish comes true. Devorah, what was your response? I feel like you're giving me an inspirational talk, and you don't give people inspirational talks usually.

No, it's not really a talk. It was just a 12-second stinger. You know what I mean? I wouldn't really consider it a talk. I'm just saying, look at the positives of this. You know what I mean? Because I asked. I asked why you did it, and you gave a very cool answer

which is you love the Comedy Store. That's why we all come. Yeah. That's why we're all here. Can't blame you. There she goes. Devorah Kasdan, everybody

from San Diego. Come on. Make some noise. Hell yeah. We are up and running. Clearly anything can happen. We're meeting all different shapes and sizes of people so far here tonight. Whoa.

Tony, I've got to tell you. I'm live here on the scene. Gunshots have been fired. Yeah. Jeff Ross. Tony, I just want to say I've been watching this show for years, and I love how it's evolved. Like the comedians used to be so funny.

And now you just let anyone come up and I just think it's beautiful. Anything can happen. Let's see what happens next. This name actually sounds familiar. Maybe it's someone that's getting maybe someone's going to have a better set than they had last time. Maybe a worse set. Let's see what happens

with Julian Shikuna. Julian Shikuna. From that back corner again. Here we go. From a worse set. Let's see what happens with Julian Shakuna. Julian Shakuna. Yeah, it's in that back corner again. Here we go. From the lucky table, the farthest possible walk to the stage. Here we go. Come on. One more time. Good and loud for Julian Shakuna.

What's up, comedy people? Man, very happy to be here, man. I just landed back from Europe. I'm still on jet lag, so if my jokes are not funny tonight, just laugh guys. Just laugh with me, think about those hours spent on the plane. Just laugh with me, think about those hours spent on the plane. No? Yeah, man. My roots are from the Congo.

And, uh... Sorry, out of breath. Long run over there. My roots are from the Congo, guys, and, uh... I'm really grateful, I have to say, because I used to do comedy in very different condition. Just to hold the mic, it's a blessing for me. And I used to do comedy with my whole family back in the Congo.

You know, I used to be focused on the jokes, the structure, the way comedians move on stage. My whole family would be focused on the bottle of water on stage. Whoo! Julian Shakuna. He can't do one more joke. Can he do one more joke? You want him to?

Julian. Julian, you were just getting warmed up. Yeah, exactly. Tony, is he allowed to do... If I'm breaking the rules, you can stop me, but I feel like if he did one more joke, I'd get a better sense of – Before – Just like one thing. I'm going to let him.

But before that, I have some breaking news. I'm going to check in with our newscaster, Jeremiah Watkins. Breaking news. This comedian did this exact set the last time he appeared on Kill Tony. Whoa. Wait a second. What? Is that true?

Julian, you're repeating minutes on Kill Tony? That's like the golden rule. Yeah, you copied it. I have to admit, I have a very good memory. Yeah, dude, you're not in the Congo anymore. We have full nutritional value here. I know they forget

easily where you're from, but we're all vitamined up here, dude. If that's true, we should just move on because you... Is that true? Did you really do the same minute that you did last time? Yeah, I was working on the... Damn it, Julian. We just got to get ready.

We got to move forward. Julian Chacon, everybody. There you go. There's no repeating minutes on this show. It's one minute, guys. It's a live podcast. You're a fucking cutthroat, bro. Cutthroat is right, baby.

This is a global phenomenon. People don't want to hear the same minute from the same person. This shit is cutthroat, Tony. It is. This is a fucking serious raw show. You're a killer, bro. I think that's sort of what makes it special, right, guys? All right, maybe not.

Maybe you guys wanted to hear. What do you want them to do, the minute again, you pieces of shit? Breaking news. Julian just hung himself in the bathroom. By his own penis, by the way. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along with the comedy stylings of Eddie Navarro.

Here we fucking go. A brand new minute from Eddie Navarro. I'll play Gabe's brother. Yell it to the tank. Nope. Eddie Navarro. Eddie. I'll play Gabe's brother. Yell it to the tank. Nope. Eddie Navarro? It looks like we have another. What's happening here tonight?

This is crazy. This is crazy. Now they're blacklisted. Guam, did you yell to the tank? Okay. No Eddie Navarro? All right. Jeez, this is a goddamn anomaly here.

This just in. Doorman of the Comedy Store starting to get angry at Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, well. Fun fact, I was a door guy here for four years. Look at me now. Yes, now I am a dolphin, everybody. I am a live dolphin

that is able to be in both water and land. Super dolphin. Yes, indeed. And you know who else might be a Super Dolphin? Our next comedian. He goes by the name of Dune Sandors. Dune Sandors. Here he comes from the lobby.

Here we go, from the lobby. There's not even enough room for the comedians to sit in the main room of the Comedy Store anymore. Hopefully he has his Fitbit on. One more time for Dune Sandors. Alright, yeah, awesome. Woo!

Kind of winded after that run, man, I know. I look like Winnie the Pooh on parole. That shit's not right. She's just plain wrong, I know. Look like I just got done doing 100 Days in the 100 Acre, right? That shit's not right. It's alright. I like marijuana. Anyone else? Marijuana in here? Just me? All right, yeah. No, I'm not one of these people that, I'm not going to tell you marijuana is the miracle drug. All I'm going to

tell you is that marijuana makes me want to go to the gym, so that's kind of a miracle. That's all I'm going to, it's just like, I got to lift things. I'm sorry, I got to hurry up. Now, I found out that if comedy doesn't work out for me, my hidden talent is that I can actually name weed dispensaries. So I figured this out. Like, if you want to name a weed dispensary, you just come to me and I'll say, okay. Redwood Holistics.

Ocean Pharmaceuticals. All you do is take something white people go see on vacation and you add a medical word. That's all you gotta do. That's it. So if comedy doesn't work out for me, I'm gonna open my own dispensary. That's all you gotta do. That's it. So if comedy doesn't work out for me, I'm gonna open my own dispensary. It's gonna be Killer Whale Suppositories. Okay, that's gonna be...

That's it for me. Thanks, guys. Hell yeah, Dune Sandors. There we go. Fun times. You talk really fast and really out of breath. I'm so nervous. Really? I'm losing my shit right now.

Why? Why are you so nervous? I don't know. I was just, I'm kind of a fan of the podcast, and I really can't believe I'm up here right now. This is awesome. I'm loving it. It's good shit.

It's very exciting. Congratulations. Where are you from, dude? Orange County. Orange County. Born and raised. Absolutely. Heck yeah.

Well, I mean, there you go. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost five years. Almost five years. Just about. Very interesting. Wow. What do you do for work?

I'm a videographer. I shoot and edit YouTube videos for small businesses. That's what you look like you do. Absolutely. Is it true that pot makes you want to go to the gym? Yes, absolutely. That's my motivation. I don't know what happened there.

Pots of what? Chili? It doesn't really look like you just smoke pot and go to the gym. You should start smoking weed, man. You don't really have that build. You have the build of a guy that eats a lot of the cookies that's left for him on To Catch a Predator. Can I have another glass of this lemonade? Sweet tea. Mister, why are you so out of breath?

There's no seat up here for me to take. Sorry. I can't. No, I love it. So, Dune, you've been doing stand-up for five years. Your name's Dune. You're a YouTube videographer. Yes.

And that's really true. You smoke pot and you go to the gym. What gym do you go to? 24-Hour Fitness. Huh. My goodness. You ever go at the weird hours? You ever go, you use them for their namesake?

Yeah. You ever go at 3 or 4 a.m.? Yeah, absolutely. Just like, I just got stoned to the gullets. I need to fucking. It's like as soon as Adult Swim's over, I have to go. Like, it's, I just go ahead and I take a dab and then I go on the elliptical. Wow. There you go.

Heck yeah. Adult Swim looks like the only kind of swimming you do. You look like you would sink in the Adult Swim. I actually float really, really well looking like this. Dune, you've been doing this a while. What do you like to do for fun? You seem sort of like

an older guy with sort of a younger spirit. That makes me sound like I'm a pedophile, man. The Chris Hansen thing. So does everything else I've said about you here tonight, Dune. When I said that you look like you eat all the cookies on The Catcher Predator, that was a pedophile joke. Yeah, that's true. I understand the joke didn't touch you like you like

to touch little kids, but you know. What do you do for fun other than children? Oh, I did it again. I can't help myself. I just can't. I can't stop. I mean, teens maybe? No, go ahead, Dune. Tell us the truth.

No, I do a lot of reading. I do a lot of reading. I'm doing, I'm reading a lot of, I'm actually coming out of a depressive episode right now. Reading what? Children's books to children? Fall asleep now, little boy. All right. Yeah, a lot of Dr. Seuss.

Yeah. Yeah. What are you reading? Right now I'm reading a self-help book by Brene Brown. Oh, yeah? What, what are you reading? Right now I'm reading a self-help book by Brene Brown. Oh, yeah? What's it helping you do? It's about shame and, like, trying to cast off old thoughts. Oh, a cookbook.

Dude, what do you mean you're coming out of an episode? Like, how do you snap yourself? We all get the blues, but, like, how do you get out of it? Oh, Jesus, Brian. Wow. Red band. Harsh. What did you do this time?

That was Julian in the other room. Dude, he did that the last time, too. Does comedy help you out of it? Yeah, absolutely. I came just to watch the roast battle last week on Tuesday, last time too. Does comedy help you out of it? Yeah, absolutely. I came just to watch the roast battle last week on Tuesday and that kind of went a long way just seeing how everyone was here. It was like the old school

comedy store magic came back that night and I'm like, oh, I gotta get back into this. I was disconnected for a long time. Same feeling you get when you're at the playground, right? Must be different for you hanging out at the Comedy Store here where everybody's 21 and over. A little bit disappointing, huh, for a master pedophile

like you. He literally slides into your DMs. Uh-oh. Boner alert. Recess. Recess. There is a mass shooter with a raging boner walking down the hallways of Truffleton Middle School right now.

Oh, wow. All right. All right. Dune, tell us a fun fact about you that we would be surprised to know. Do you have any special skills or talents? Do you like to rollerblade backwards or something like that? Dungeon Master. No.

I used to be a backyard wrestler, though. What? Is that true? That's absolutely true. Wow. Backyard wrestling. What was your nickname, your wrestling name? I went as Mondo Loco. I was under a luchador mask. Original name, Mongo Lloyd.

Wow, you wore a luchador mask and everything. I did. It was a psychosis mask that I got in weird colors. You should wear one while you do comedy. Yeah. Maybe. I did. It was a psychosis mask that I got in weird colors and I was just like, You should wear one while you do comedy. Yeah. Maybe. I like that. You ever cut promos

for your backyard wrestling? No. Just steaks. More like cakes. No promos? No, not really because my whole thing was that I was kind of

just like this berserker Spanglish speaking luchador that was just bouncing off the walls and being just a total freakout, just punching the shit out of everything, which is kind of my inner child, really. You were just sort of wild.

You were a wild man. You got in that mask and everything switched off. 100%. Did you wear spandex or something like that? No, Lord, no. No, no, no. It was all loose trunks. You got to wear loose shit when you look like me. Has to.

You don't need everyone seeing all your rolls and shit. That's not impressive. You ever get injured or anything like that? No, actually. I took chair shots to the head. I took all the cookie sheets to the head and everything. Went through tables. All that jazz. No, nothing. No injuries.

That'll warm up. That'll get you ready for when you go on the road as a comic. Yeah. Get hit with tables and shit. All the concussions. You had some good jokes. You had some good jokes, but I feel like you got to keep working. How many sets a week are you doing?

Three or four right now. You got to go up to eight. All right. Then I think you'll start hitting it. For sure. Totally. There you go. Advice from the roast master himself.

How about that? Let's keep moving it along. Dune Sanders, good set. He's on Twitter at MajorDune. And before we get to our next comedian, let's find out a little more about the amazing sponsors that helped put on tonight's episode. Okay. Hey, guys, it's find out a little more about the amazing sponsors that helped put on tonight's episode. Hey guys, it's football playoffs

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And now, back to the show. And we are back live here at Kill Tony. So exciting. We're having the time of our lives. How about one more time for Dune Sanders on Twitter at Major Dune. We're flying along. Dune Sanders. And on to the next one

we go. Make some noise for your next comedian. Could be anybody, but it's going to be Jason Eckstein. Eckstein? Jason Eckstein. Let's see what happens here. Hey, here he is. Jason Eckstein, everybody. Thank you. This must be my fucking lucky night.

I got picked for potluck for my first time. Now I'm here. Holy shit. Do you guys ever wonder what your loved ones would think if they were going to judge you only based on your asshole? These are things that go through my mind with the life that I've lived.

But it's not because I got to enjoy a bunch of gay sex or anything. No, it's because I'm a disabled veteran, my body's falling apart, and I took some drugs that were prescribed to me that made me bleed out my ass. I call that a man's period.

Rawr! What was that? Anything else? Not that I can remember. Alright, there we go. Then that's where you would say that's all I got. I'm Jason Eckstein. Thank you very much. There's a minute.

That is a minute. Jason, holy shit. I mean, where do I begin? I have to do something different than what I bond with in there, you know. Why don't we begin with the Civil War? Yeah, I mean, you know. Why don't we begin with the Civil War? Yeah. I mean, you have, for those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a beard that literally looks like he's a wizard's toddler or something like that.

Like he's a newborn wizard or something. If I got it, like, dreaded or cornrowed, would that be like? No. Jason, literally, you have Betty White's vagina on your face. Mmm. Does look like that. Jason, how long have you been working on that beard for? Longer than his jokes.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I've only been doing comedy for a few months. Like I started last year, I was living in my car, and I wrecked that. So now I'm figuring it out. You wrecked your house? Yeah. Wow. You're a home wrecker. Well, I sold my other home, so now I'm figuring it out. You wrecked your house? Yeah. Wow. You're a home wrecker. Well, I sold my other home, so I mean.

You don't even hear great jokes, even when they're being told directly to you, huh? Okay. I'm trying to calm down. Maybe I should like lion face that shit. I don't even know what you're talking about at this point. Hell yeah. Can I ask a question?

Yeah, sure. What made you want to start doing comedy? Because I've worked on my health over the last seven years, boring dietary stuff, and I'm trying to better myself because I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself because I don't believe there's shit after this. Heck yeah.

We're definitely going to get it. It's just in. A very crippling story. Another depressed white person has arrived on Kill Tony. Standard. Heck yeah. So, Jason, let's talk about it. You talked about being a veteran.

Is that true? Yeah, but Duncan, I mean, I was a Coast Guard veteran. Coast Guard? Oh, Jesus. Dude, you should be proud of that shit. The Coast Guard's awesome. My grandfather was in the Coast Guard. That's his ring right there. Oh, wow. That's cool. Look at that. From the Coast Guard's awesome. My grandfather was in the Coast Guard. That's his ring right there.

Oh, wow. That's cool. Look at that. From the Coast Guard to the Roast Guard. Yeah. So let's talk about it. Why is your ass bleeding? Well, I screwed my back up during Katrina when I was in.

I lived in New Orleans, and we launched our boats off the same exit ramp I took to work. And when you say exit ramp, you're talking about your asshole. No, that's from fibromyalgia medications and poor dietary choices. Like what? What type of dietary choices? Well, I just used to eat, like, everything, and now I eat, well, I'm doing a carnivore diet right now. You're doing a cardboard diet? Carnivore.

Carnivore. He's only eating meats and shit. Yeah, I've done seven years of elimination dieting. It's not exciting to talk about, but I've actually gone through every friggin' food. Wheat sets off the fibromyalgia pain. Tomatoes make my asshole burn. Friggin' dairy makes me narcoleptic more. I have cataplexy

as well, which if I laugh too hard, maybe I'll pass out, but I've never experienced that one because I don't have the fun cataplexy. This is the guy who should be on stage. Yeah, dude. Now you're talking real talk. Yeah, I'm better when I start rattling the shit. Get out of the...

What is that sound? It's the voices in his head. Wow, there you go. Red Man's on one tonight. I like it. So, Jason, what are you... So you're basically just... You were great as the second mate in Jaws 3.

I'll catch him for five, but I'll kill him for ten. Where do you live, Jason? Wherever. I slept underneath the moon last night. Tonight I'm sleeping in a hostel. I mean, just figuring it out. So you're homeless? Yeah.

Oh, okay. That's pretty cool. Let's talk about it. How long have you been homeless for? This just in. Tony Hinchcliffe is not aware of the word or the definition cool. No, it's very trendy now, I think. It's very trendy to be homeless.

You are on one of the most expensive diets to be homeless on. What are you eating, stray dogs? I mean, you're eating only steak and meat, and you're not eating $5 Little Caesars. No, to be cheap, I am eating Wendy's beef for In-N-Out. It's not good. When did you wreck your car?

December. What kind of car was it? A Prius. I'm an environmental homeless person. Did you wreck it on purpose? No. I wish. I didn't make out that well on my insurance. So what's been like the hardest night? I'm interested in this because I

find homelessness to be a compelling, compelling... Well, that's the thing. Like, I was more in my head living out of my car, I feel like, than I've been living out of my backpack because exploring the city more, like walking around, even though this freaking shit sucks, and I've walked like 16 miles with all my gear on like last night in my aura ring because i do care about my freaking health

won't even give me a readiness score because i didn't get enough sleep but wait hold on wait a second wait you said nuva ring or a ring like readiness tracker it to sleep and recovery instead of just wait wait what what what are, what? Are you? Oh, Crystal. I thought you guys hung out with Rogan. Let's let him answer the question here. What the fuck are you talking about? That's not helping me at all. Showing me is not helping.

You have to explain to us all. Heart rate variability. Not all of us have been to fucking Hobbit land. We don't know what your special ring does. You guys are Rogan-like friends, so I would just figure you would know. But yeah, heart rate variability, your resting heart rate at night,

how well your sleep is, and it gives you a recovery. It's like an Apple Watch. It tells you to move all the time. This just in, a local man is conned out of a Prius for a mood ring. Where does the data come up? In an app. Oh, yeah. And it works?

Yeah. That thing's keeping you happy? No. Oh, okay. It just shows me things I know, like I should get more sleep and I should move and that kind of stuff. But it's nice to have data when you've, you know... When you don't have anything else. I was 23 when I fucked my back up and lost my mobility and all my shit because I lived on the lake in a lovely boathouse and all that shit and had no renter's insurance or anything because I was an idiot

and internalized all that shit because I didn't want to be like my fucking fellow shipmates crying to everybody about, oh, this is my life. And I still don't want to come across like that. Fucking who cares? Get over it. Fucking move forward. Figure out a way and do it. That's what you say to your Coast Guard mates?

No, that's what I say to myself when I'm a bitch. Wow, I like that. You know what? I like that. I think a lot of people could take a lot from a guy like you that's fucking sick and out there on the street having to fucking survive and look how happy you are, you know? This is the beginning. My therapist

is going to love this because she told me to take a break from family. You got jewelry, a therapist, you got a lot of shit going on for a guy shitting his brains out with no house. Dude, you're a fucking, this is a hard time right now, but you're a winner. I can feel it right now But you're a winner I can feel it

If you stick with this and stick to your guns And keep Following different Creative pursuits and stuff like that There's a reason you just Started comedy It's usually when people are going through some shit So like

Wherever you end up on the other end of this This will be a good experience that you came up here and you've been doing stand-up and talking about. Like, when I started, I would make, like, ridiculous over-the-top jokes. Like, they were funnier than your jokes. But I wasn't as real and as honest as you are, right, as a beginner. So if you have that in you, you should just keep following that. Oh, yeah, I don't.

I've been through too much to give a fuck anymore about that kind of stuff. Most of the time. I mean, there's still certain things I don't know how to navigate or explain. Hell yeah. Well, Jason, you fucking did it here tonight. I never would have guessed that you have a bleeding

asshole in our home, Wes. There he goes, Jason Eckstein, everyone. He's on Twitter at Double Delir Dream. I don't know. There goes Jason Eckstein, everyone. He's on Twitter at Double DelirDream. I don't know. He's got bad handwriting. Add one more thing to this crazy list of crazy, huh?

I have a mood ring and bad handwriting. Alright. Hey, we know this young lady. She's been on this show before. Let's see what happens here tonight. Make some noise for Nikki Bon. Nikki Bon.

Nikki Bon. All the way from the farthest possible corner. I love me some Nikki Bon. Here we go. What a lovely place. Up on the Hotel California. One more time for Nikki Bond. Oh, thanks.

Hey, uh, I had a dream that my grandma ate me out. You know how fucked up it is to wake up and be like, Oh, cool, I just dreamt that my dead grandma went down on me and I kind of liked it. It was nice to see her, though. We were close. I'm a millennial, and I'm sick of everybody ragging on us,

being like, you guys want everything so fast and easy. You're never going to hold down a job. You're never going to be in a long-term relationship. You're never going to own a home. We're going to own homes. We're just waiting for our parents to die. My dad has two, so I'm set. You know?

I'm in my 30s, and the worst part is when people are like, how old are you? I say my age, and they're like, oh, me too, and all I can think of is, fuck, do I look like that? Nikki Bond. Yeah. Fuck yeah. She's up here.

You're back on the show again. Welcome back. Yeah. How's it going? It's been a year. Yeah? Where have you been? Here. You've just been signing up and you haven't gotten up? Yeah, just sitting,

watching, you know, waiting. Yep. Watching, waiting. Hell yeah. You have a full fanny pack. I know. You're not living out of it, are you? Everybody here is fucking homeless and depressed and sad. It really is.

This is a special, this is a very special. How much money have we raised so far? Put it up on the big board. It is. Make a wish, kill Tony. Here's my thing. I've had this fanny pack.

It's open, oops. But I've had it for like seven years because I'm an asthma. I'm asthmatic so I always have to have a fanny pack for my puffer. Isn't that called a purse usually that women have? It's a purse. Yeah, it's true.

It's true, but I've been a fanny pack person. You know what, Red Band? Yeah, you're right. I could have a purse. It's true. Is it covering up your vagina because you're ashamed that your grandmother ate it? Wow. Red Band's letting it rip here tonight. He's just pretty much... What's in your fanny pack? Let's play a game

called What's in Your Fanny Pack. We always do it. Other than your... There's an old school Kill Tony tradition to where if you wear a fanny pack on here, we find out what's in it. So there's your moleskin. Thank you. Got a little moleskin notebook. Your jokes are in here? Some of them. Or my

dark thoughts. Just, you know. Your phone. My phone. There you go. The phone. Heck yeah. No case. iPhone 6. Actually, it's just a really thin case. Heck yeah. Almost as thin as the grave you dug for your daughter, Kaylee

Anthony, when you murdered her. All right, go ahead, go ahead. Let's see what's next. Wow, it's true. You really do have an inhaler. Everybody up here is also, they're also struggling and half dying, by the way, here tonight.

It's a very special episode. It kind of doubles as an air horn. Can I get a... All the people in the house. Look at that dirty, raggedy napkin. Wow, it's either that or a very, very, very historic tampon. Overused tampon. Don't go any deeper.

This just in. Hot girl becoming less hot right in front of an audience's eyes. The horse of truth has been activated. This is very interesting. Nikki Bonn still digging through the fanny pack. For those of you listening to the podcast, she looks a lot like a young Howard Stern. Wow, I normally get John Cusack, but I'll take that. Yeah, yeah.

I'd say that. Like John Benet Cusack. I was thinking Fanny Pacquiao. Yeah, that's... What do you got there? Just regular old pens. In a pen, yeah. Yeah, well, very good.

Yeah, there's probably something else in there, but it's okay. We won't have you dig deep for it. Nikki Bond, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years, almost three. And what do you do for a living? Waitress. Yeah? Yeah.

Where at? Little place. Somewhere corporate? No, not at all. Well, kind of. It was owned by Mario Batali, so it's like semi-corporate. But then he did things, so now he's gone. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. Me too. You know, he didn't like it. What did he do? He fingered people when they passed out. Whoa. The old classic. Definitely getting fired after announcing that.

I knew that sauce was tangy. Classic. Definitely getting fired after announcing that. I knew that sauce was tangy. Just had to give it a little stir, right? Is that what he called it? Giving it a little stir. Chicken cut your pussy.

Wow. Did you ever work directly with him? No. No. Or at least you don't remember. Yeah. That's how we... Well, that's fun. Yeah. How long have you don't remember. Yeah. That's how we. Well, that's fun. Yeah.

How long have you been waitressing for? Oh, God. I don't. Like 10 years. Wow. Yeah. You have any. That's a Mario reference there for those of you that missed it.

I got it. So 10 years. Can you give us an example of a crazy story that you might have from your history? 10 years of waitressing. I'm sure there's got to be something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These two guys came in with a... Twins?

The Kleitsch brothers. Go ahead. These two guys came in. They were very cracked out. They came in with a boom box, a flat screen TV, a record player, and a suitcase. Why we let them in, I have no idea. Was it Dave Chappelle and his entourage? He walks around with Bluetooth speakers.

All right, go ahead. They came in. They were really cracked out. They sat down, and they were ordering, and they were getting up, and they were moving around. It's a very, very small restaurant. Very small, high-end-ish. And we finally were like, you need to go.

You're being crazy. And we serve this thing called focaccia di recco. And it's on this copper pan. It's like the size of this round table here. Very big. And they freaked out. And then he got up and he threw all of his pennies at us and he took the pan and he walked out and he went and whacked somebody's table and all the glasses went everywhere.

I apologize. That's why I'm here. Wow. He threw pennies. Yeah. Yeah. So much, so much copper. Yeah. A lot of copper. You'reies? Yeah. That's so much copper.

Yeah, a lot of copper. You're right. Huh. He's like Copperfield. No, it wasn't. I know. I just... You don't know if you don't try, you know? What's your name again?

Nikki Vaughn. I really like your vibe, your jokes, especially that first one, that slow burn one. Great to see your grandma again. I don't know how much you're improvising or writing these jokes out, but I think you have a really cool... You're like a comedic Chrissy Hynde kind of vibe, you know, Chrissy Hynde and the pretenders. She cares, but she doesn't care. Reference goes over audiences head. I'm glad I wasn't

just worried. Look it up Chrissy Hine. I will. I will. She wrote great songs and she really like went for it but she also acted like she didn't she was kind of aloof to it. So I think you have that. I love the joke you said when you said that you were a millennial. I love the joke you said when you said that you were a millennial.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm sure you are. Did you have fun here tonight, Nikki? Yeah, it was so fun. Heck yeah. Well, there you go. There she goes, Nikki Bond, everybody. She's on Twitter at TheNikkiBond. Alright.

It's that time. It's that time. It's that time of the night where we have a regular on this show. Jeff, I'm excited about this because this is actually, I do believe, your first time seeing our newest regular. You were here, I believe, the day that we made Malcolm a regular, and now you're here for, I think this is this guy's third week as the regular. We absolutely love him. He's like a trippy trippy trippy like Zach

Galifianakis meets like Andy Kaufman or something like that. I'm really excited that he's part of the show with a brand new minute. Make some noise for our regular the great and powerful William Montgomery. Here he is in the flesh.

I've been a loser Lonely So I recently got fired from the Home Shopping Network. They knew I was addicted to the drug spice and I lived in a tree. Weirdly enough, last night I was trying to look at the eclipse up in the tree and I rolled off the limb I was on and landed on my neck and hurt my neck real bad. So I'm single I'm holding out for a black or an oriental So I started working for an antique mall the other day, and a guy came by my booth trying to sell me beanie babies.

And the whole time I was just like, hella nice sounds like hella expensive yeah i'm i'm literally crying right now uh my first time crying on this show for those of you paying attention there's just something about that fucking neck brace that just cuts me to my core sir i gotta tell you. And the fact that you always somehow... Is that a neck brace or a beard holder?

It's a beard holder. I was actually recently in the Jacksonville airport, and I was stealing people's bags, and I would get tired from doing that, and I would just sit on a seat, and I would rest my chin, and I'd be able to fall asleep. William, that is wild.

I can't believe you did that at the Jacksonville airport. That is certainly, your beard really doesn't know what to do there with that neck brace on. It's really just, I mean, really just there like, I don't know what. There was actually, weirdly enough, in the Jacksonville airport, there was this man named John, and he saw me stealing his back. And he started chasing after me, and I had the neck brace on, and I was running through the terminals. And I slipped, and then I just acted like my neck hurt real bad, and he was like, oh my god, are you alright? He forgot that I was stealing his back fuck yeah you can get away with a lot uh with a whole lot i've been going to a

bunch of 7-elevens recently uh and just stealing butterfinger candy bars and slipping on the way out and they all fall out of my jacket and the attendant at the 7-Eleven is like, oh my god, are you alright? Wow. This is your first time seeing William Jeff. This is his style. And there is some motherfucker on YouTube

who's talking shit! I don't know who the fuck it is, but my dad fucking tells me about you. The next day. Quit doing it. Woo. Oh, you internet trolls better. Yeah, I mean, I'm sick of that. William, you are the realest fucking deal.

I mean, just constant slaughter. You have your own little divisive way. You look like every character on Forrest Gump mashed together at once. Your name. You look like every character on Forrest Gump Mashed together at once Have you ever been with a black Or oriental woman before?

That's how Back in Memphis There was this Open mic At the P&H Cafe And I remember There was this black girl, and we made out one night, and it was so much fun.

And the next week, I saw her with a black eye, and I was thinking, God, there's no way. And she winked at me. What'd you do? For those of you listening to the podcast, if you ever wonder what that wild laugh is that he gets when he doesn't say something, he just puts the microphone down from his face,

and it always surprises everybody that that was the end. For people who are just listening to this, I'll try to describe him. Imagine an injured Civil War reenactor on his way to physical therapy. He happened to accidentally wander into a comedy club. And then just me at the Civil War reenactment just stealing people's costumes and just slipping on the mud inside of the tent.

And instead of them being like, hold on, whose costumes are those? They're like, dude, is your neck all right? Wow, William. God, you're so funny. How long have you been in Los Angeles now? I've been here a year, like February 3rd.

Wow. Something like that. Coming up on your big one-year anniversary here in L.A. My parents, as I've told you outside before, my parents are here next week, and they want to take y'all out to dinner. Oh, that's right. You did tell me this. You did tell me this last week. I was very surprised.

And your parents want to take me to dinner. Now, are you going to come as well? I am not. You're not? I am not. Oh, wow. Why not? Where are you going to be?

Yeah, what are you going to do? I don't eat at Wendy's anymore. I'm kidding. I set myself up for that one. That was something I wrote last week. I'm kidding I set myself up for that one That was something I wrote last week I'm kidding So when are your parents going to come into town I think next week maybe

Wow Well maybe we'll have to do this Jeff you want to come to dinner with me and William And his parents I think you should invite them to the show is what you should do. Are they going to be here on a Monday? They're coming. They're coming.

Larry and Francis, y'all. Oh, my gosh. Well, they better brace themselves. Yeah, for sure. I know I've run out of all my jokes now, so. Great job. It's going to be a downhill fucking spiral after this week I give myself

maybe two more weeks and then I quit showing up You know William, let me tell you something You realize I'm serious You realize I got two more weeks William, you realize that if you do that

then that internet troll that is affecting you on YouTube is going to win. I know. Well, William, I mean, you're just one of my favorite things anywhere, anything. You have a way of cutting me to my absolute core. I truly did. I had tears coming out of my favorite things anywhere anything you have a way of cutting me to my absolute core this is I truly did I had tears coming out of my eyes you truly made me cry laughing

well it was fun thank you all so much for letting me do that there he is William Montgomery he just killed Tony it happened yeah there he goes. The great William Montgomery. Wow. Look at that.

How exciting. Best butt in the business. Wow. There you go. All right. Back we go. Let's get another one up here. Who knows?

You know, that's how, by the way, William started off as just a guy that we just randomly met right out of the bucket, just like it could be this next guy. You never know what could happen. It's true. Absolutely. Make some noise for the great Jake McCown. Let's all

meet Jake McCown together. Anything can happen. Here he comes. And the whole world Loves him and me Come on, Jake McCown, everyone Holy shit, the Comedy Store I don't think I should be doing comedy, though

My ex-wife recently died. I actually died during the divorce. She had cancer. Her whole body was filled with the disease. I was with her on her deathbed. She was holding my hand and just crying out for it to end. God is good, ain't he? She said, you can have the house over my dead body.

And our God is a righteous God. I am a single dad. I'm starting to get back out there, starting to date, which is hard. But I learned an single dad. I'm starting to get back out there, starting to date, which is hard, but I learned an important lesson. If you pay the babysitter before you have sex with her, it's not prostitution. And if you ask her if she's a cop, she has to tell you, or it's entrapment. All right, thank you. There you go, Jake McCown.

Loves it when you make that sound. Bop, bop, bada. Jake McCown, you did it. Was any of that true? You seem so young to have a dying ex-wife. Actually, the truth is my best friend from the Marine Corps, that's his story. I was trying to convince him to get up on stage, so I wrote those jokes for him, but he never did it.

So, I just said, that's a great bit, so I'm going to do it. Hell yeah. Wow. So, man, look at that. I don't know how I feel about this. Yeah. Were you also in the Marine Corps? I was.

Just checking. Wetbacks is? I was. Just checking. Wetbacks is talking to you. My goodness. Not Jet Lightning. What were you in the Marine Corps? What did you do? I was an infantryman. What?

Infantryman. Yeah, but what did you end up doing? Like, I mean, any missions or anything like that? Did you go anywhere? Deployed Iraq, Afghanistan. Wow, look at that. American hero. Hell yeah. Clearly you went

from the desert to the dessert. That's true. Went from the old sands to the pans, huh? I don't know. I think if he takes off his shirt, he's going to be all ripped and crazy. Is that what you think, Brian?

Wow. This just in. This just in. He went from the military to Ben and Jerry. This just in. Red Band tries to bait military men into taking his supple shirt off. Wow.

Red Band. So how long were you in Iraq and Afghanistan? Both seven months. Wow. Man. Any crazy stories that you're willing to share? Anything like that? Any more made up depressing crazy stories?

Or anything happen to any of your friends? I feel like I don't have PTSD like the Coast Guard guy did. Yeah, isn't that sort of crazy? Coast Guard. Coast Guard guy is a bleeding asshole. He's homeless and here you are. Those pirates. Just living the fucking life.

I didn't know they made bulletproof vests in XXXL. It's bulletproof and button proof. Wasn't always in this shape. Really? You were smaller? What happened? You came home and you realized that Chick-fil-A is a thing? I always knew about Chick-fil-A.

What are some of your favorite foods? What do you do? You're a late night eater. Sweets. From bazooka guns to bazooka gum. favorite foods? What do you do? You a late night eater? Sweets. Love sweets, yeah. From bazooka guns to bazooka gum. Yeah, what are some of your favorite sweets? Give us an example here. What are you, like a peach pop?

From landmines to red vines. Joelberg is here. He's the real deal. Chocolate. I love chocolate. Yeah, yeah. He's the real deal. Chocolate. I love chocolate. Yeah, yeah. Shout out Aphrodite. Wow, look at that.

Jesus. Hell yeah. You be careful. You be careful, Jake. You think you've seen a battlefront before. I don't know if you can handle all that. Just got a battlefront and a battleback. I'm ready.

All right. Have you ever been with an African-American woman before? I have. Really? Where at? Where was that at? Iraq? Florida.

Where? Florida. Oh, wow. Oh, so you were a no-limit soldier. Damn, Joelberg is heating up here. Coming around the final, coming around the final lap. Jake, what was that night?

Was it a one night stand? It was a New Year's Eve party when I was in high school, actually. Oh, wow. It was a New Year's Eve party and what was the last thing you said? Oh, when I was in high school, senior year.

Oh, wow. And you went all the way. You had sexual intercourse with a black woman. I did. So it was a New Year's Eve party. So when the clock struck midnight, you did too? Yeah, she gave me a countdown too, and a zero. Really?

Huh. Is that a true story? You really did? Anything stand out to you? Did you notice anything different having sex with a black woman that's different than having sex with a white woman? I'm not comfortable with this line of questioning. What are you talking about? William said

orientals earlier. This just in. A new game show is sweeping the nation. Stereotypes are fun. I'm trying to figure out what else we got here with Jake. Go ahead. Never saw her with another white guy again, so. Hell yeah.

Once you go white, I guess. So you lost the war. Maybe you gave her some PTSDs. Hey. Yeah, baby. Maybe you gave her some PTSDs. Hey! Yeah, baby! Joke of the night. Roastmaster. So, Jake, you did that, and you're from Florida?

Is that what you said? I am. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I live in Sacramento, actually. When did you come here? Today? Yesterday. And what else have you been doing in Los Angeles? How long are you going to stay here for?

Go back tonight, actually. You're driving back tonight. You just came in for Kill Tony? Well, yeah. Actually, that's exactly why I came. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, that's amazing, Tony. It's a goddamn American hero right here. You thought he was a soldier before. Never gotten on the show.

Been here three times. First time getting up. That's awesome, man. You did great, too. You know what? Can I? Yes, absolutely. You know, like, so many people go through, like, you know, traumatic experiences,

and it somehow pushes them into comedy, and I think that might be what's happening to you and you recognized your friend's story and you made that awful sad thing funny. If you start finding that in yourself and making that honest and telling your story, I think you're going to be a big hit. So good luck. Thank you.

Thank you. I do have bits about myself. What was that? What did you say? I mean I do have my own bits about myself. I just went with that one tonight. Right, sure. Yeah, of course. No, it makes sense. It's a good start. Hey, you got all of our attention. We're late into the show, and something about your ex-wife dying from cancer really got our attention, and that's what it takes.

So you did the right, if you ask me, you did the right minute, because, you know, it's interesting. Good luck shooting up that school next week. I'll be bringing my Coast Guard friend. Heck yeah. There he goes. Jake McCown, everybody. He's on Twitter at Jake McCown. M-C-C-O-W-N.

All one word. Yeah. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket just one more time? I don't know. That wasn't really that big of a response. Should we end it now or go back to the bucket one more time? All right.

There we go. We just lost the Karate Kid. There he goes. He's leaving. Pilate Kid. Pilate Kid? Is that what you heard? The Pilate Kid.

The Pilate Kid. Okay. Kid? Is that what you heard? The Pilate Kid. The Pilate Kid. Okay, your final comedian of the night. This guy's been on this stage before, but I can't remember what he looks or sounds or anything like, but I remember the name. And he's your final comedian of this night's episode. Make some noise for Jake Beckman, everybody. Here we go.

Jake Beckman. Hey. Man, the band is killing it tonight oh here he comes he's still coming keep playing Jake Beckman everybody so uh

I got this new problem that I'm dealing with in my life, guys. I am starting to mistake ugly women for transvestites. So I applied a new rule to my life to simplify this situation, and that is ugly women are transvestites, and transvestites are ugly women. And ugly women might as well be transvestites because I'm not going to fuck them. And the one thing that I've noticed about ugly women throughout my life is that the uglier they are,

the thicker their motherfucking mustache is. So the only way a dead baby can lose its virginity is if you ditch the body at a Catholic Church and Catholic priests are starting to fuck dead babies because dead babies don't talk. And then when a transvestite dates a hermaphrodite, they prefer to go by Thing 1 and Thing 2, who like to have some man goo in their pooey poo. Should we do one more? Should we do one more? Wow.

Yes, I'm gonna check in with Jeremiah first on this one. Yes, Jet Lightning over here. Looks like we just went from special ops to special ed. Yeah, Jake. Yeah, Jake, that takes the cake as the biggest pile of dog shit that we've seen here tonight. Really just hateful, hateful stuff.

New material, just experimenting with it, you know, just seeing how it's going to work out. No, no, no, no, no. Are you thinking of a girl named Portia? No. Jesus Christ. It sounds like a strip club DJ. Like, hey, hey, hey,

you know, all that shit. Wow. Okay. Strip club DJ. So, uh, fuck, man. I mean, that's just so, it was just so bad. Uh, the weather report has come in, Tony. Cloudy with a chance of hate speech.

Now, I mean, when you say Tony Cloudy with a chance of hate speech. Now, I mean, when you say transvestites, what exactly are you just calling everybody that's transgender a transvestite? Is that what you're doing? No. Yeah, exactly.

I'm on Cassandra Cass' side. Let me ask you this. Cassandra, stand up and take a bow for a second. Yeah. Jake. This just in. Proud Boy gets boner on stage at the comedy store. I mean, Jake. I mean,

Jake, I mean, how does that make you feel? You came out and you insulted, you know, you put a complete a complete label on an entire group of people, and now there's this beautiful, beautiful

woman who just threw her jacket at you and you look like a huge pussy right now. I'll take it, you know. I talk shit, I get shit, you know. That's just a full circle thing. It's how it works. You're right. He's very strip pussy.

You know, you talk shit, you get shit. Here she comes, everybody. I was just kind of going for a joke that was going to both make fun of ugly women and transvestites, and I just tried to tie it into one thing. Two groups of people that probably will never fuck you, everybody. I was just kind of going for a joke that was going to both make fun of ugly women and transvestites, and I just tied it into one thing. Two groups of people that probably will never fuck you, Jake. I'm fine with that.

While wearing a Stop the Violence t-shirt. What is that? What's Stop the Violence? I don't even know what that is. To be honest, it says Stop the Violence, not Stop the Hate, So proceed. I wish it said stop doing stand-up.

No! No! Jake, you've gone full pro-wrestling heel here tonight. You have turned this entire audience against you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? The twist? He is a trans woman. Hey.

Pretty much 2014. I was that guy that dropped his album before I did comedy kind of thing. You what? Dropped my album on iTunes. I did that. Oh, you're that guy. Yeah, I'm like, oh my God.

Oh my God. For those of you that don't know, now I remember, because you were in one of the first episodes of Kill Tony, right? Back in 2015. Yeah. So this guy actually made his comedy album. I'd hate to see what his fucking jokes were like five years ago.

Well, check this out. He made a comedy album, Jeff, and he put it on iTunes basically before he started stand-up, right? Yeah. And he did it in a room with no audience. So he's basically just talking to the recorder on his phone and getting the same amount of laughs that he got here in a sold-out main room.

So you're transitioning from bad to worse. Man, Jake, I mean, when you say that you're experimenting with new material, do you go other places and try that? How long has it been since you were on this show? About a year. When you say that you're experimenting with new material, like, I mean, do you go other places and try that? How long has it been since you were on this show? About a year.

Yeah. And since then, you didn't have a minute that you wanted to debut on here that people listening around the globe could hear? You didn't think about that? You're like, I'm going to really, I'm going to try. I'm just going to try to fucking work out this brand new minute that probably isn't going to work at all. There's really no chance of it working. Yeah, since there's a live audience, you know, it's the best way to see if it's going to work. They were a live audience, Jake. They were

until you got up here. We were having a grand old time. In a sad turn of events, the audience has been proclaimed dead at the comedy store. Killed it. Jake, is this the worst set that you've had in a long time? Yeah.

Really? This just in. Local man lies to audience. Well, Jake, I think we should do something special here. I think, you know, in honor of our love for Cassandra and the hateful set that you had, I think that we... How many of you think we should make Jake retire

as a stand-up comedian here tonight? Oh, no! Are you... Are you willing to quit? Jeff is blessing you as a retired stand-up. He just blessed you with the... The retirement blessing. Yeah.

Is that cool for you? He's been craptized here. Jake, how do you feel about quitting? I don't know. I really like to... This is the end of The Sopranos. My dream is just to be a late-night insult comic, and I really like just talking mad shit.

Yeah. Being obnoxious and, you know, I don't know. You've got to think about ways to do it where you're not, you know, trashing people. You've got to think about finessing it and thinking it out a little bit. Think about your friends instead of people in the abstract. You've got to do with your jokes what Cassandra did with her dick

and just punch it up. You know what I mean? Just fucking... Stop being a pussy and become one. Go from being a dick to... I don't know.

Just really tuck some of your best material behind you. All right. Right. I believe you used to do porn as well, right? Wait, that is true. I did. Oh, my God.

Right? Wow. You're digging yourself a deeper and deeper hole, which brings me back to what Cassandra did. I didn't do any weird shit. Just carve it out? I love it. Cassandra, what are you going to do? I'm going to go hug Erica. I didn't do any weird shit. Just carve it out. I love it. Cassandra, what are you going to do?

I'm going to go hug Erica. I need love. No, we love you, Cassandra. You're fine. Come on. It was just jokes. I'm sorry. No, she can handle it. She's a tough cookie. Can I have my jacket back? Alright. This just in, the jacket exchange

could have waited five minutes. Yeah, for sure. For sure minutes. Yeah, for sure. For sure, for sure, for sure. Jake, is there any redeeming quality about you? Everyone in this room hates you. They went crazy when I asked you to retire. Can you tell us something that will make us like you more? Absolutely.

For the last five years, I've been on a cannabis cultivation operation. It's a CBD strain that helps kids with epilepsy. It's the Charlotte's Web strain. So for the last five years, I've been contributing to helping kids get their motherfucking medicine. Wow. There he goes, Jake Beckman, ladies and gentlemen. Can I say one more thing? What was your porno name? Jake Ariston.

Jake Ariston? Yeah. This just in, all the weirdos at home just looked that up. How do you spell it? How do you spell Jake Ariston? A-R-I-S-T-O-N. Wow. Jeez Louise.

In a very troubling sad story, everybody has vomited to death at home after watching the Jake Ariston porno films. Yeah. I saw your film. You play the pizza boy's pizza boy. Yeah. Son of pizza boy.

Are you jerking off right now? What are you doing over there? No. You look like Lube became a person. I'd like to see a porno where you go up on Cassandra. No thanks. I do got some big news though, Tony.

Oh yeah, what is it? He just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance. I released my first rap single on iTunes. No. No. Nope. Is it called... What do you mean by released exactly?

I had a buddy who worked for a music label, and he would produce a beat for me, and I had a response rhyme for Katy Perry, and the song's called To Katy Perry, and it's a response rhyme to her song Bon Appetit. And if you haven't listened to it, it's about eating out her vagina and having great sex with Katy Perry, and I got inspired. Nobody's going to listen to it, Jake. They don't like you. The plugs work after you do something good, Jake.

You know how promotions work? Right. It's like people don't just bomb and they're like, hey, if you want to see more of that shit, then go to fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Jake. Katy Perry.

Alright. When Brian gets upset, he just sabotages everything. So there you go. Okay. Point taken. Jake Beckman, everybody. There he goes. Come on. Boo him if it makes you happy.

That's right. That's right. I like it like that. I like the hatefulness. Hey, check out this amazing drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Look at that. Look at this. How crazy is that? Looks just like you, Jeff. Look at that guy.

How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeffrey Ross, everybody? He's at the Borgata Memorial Day weekend with Dave Attell. They're bumping mics together on Netflix. Thick Skin is on iTunes and everywhere where podcasts exist. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh?

Jeremiah has a brand-new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out with J.D. Witherspoon, and he's headlining Kansas City, his hometown, March 14th, 15th, and 16th. Best football team ever, right? Next year. That's right. Very excited to be going on the road with Kill Tony coming up. Thank you guys for the love and support. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp.

That's right. We're in Phoenix this Saturday. Can't miss that. How about one more time for the silent but deadly Chroma Chris over there, huh? Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode? Tony, you really knocked it out of the park tonight, am I right?

Hey, Tony. Yeah. I'd like to let everybody know to go ahead and check out Reality Grip Tape and get your new Kill Tony Band Grip Tape for your skateboard. Whoa, look at that. That is incredible. I love that.

RealityGripTape.com. Wow, that's crazy. GripTape.com. And don't forget to hang out with our friends over at Speedweed as well. Speedweed.com. And how about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez. All right, bear with me. I got a few plugs.

Oh, really? You do? Yeah, I want to give a shout out to Dixie Cannabis Infused Elixirs. Wow. I want to give a shout out to Nick at Luca Clothing, my new official clothing sponsor. And also David Knowles and Seth Miller at Menchie Music. Yeah, Menchie Music, who hooked Jeremiah up with his saxophone. It appears as though they have now worked out a deal with Joel Berjol Jimenez.

Yeah. That's right. We're in Phoenix this Saturday. We got Del Marrera on this show next week, one of our favorite guests. I'm taking Jeremiah with me to Calgary, where we just do stand-up the 7th to the 9th of February. And then we are across on the other side of the goddamn planet. We're missing only one week here because we are going to Dublin, Manchester, and London. Then I do six nights of stand-up in London.

Then we go to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, March 21st. And then stand-up the 22nd and 23rd. Everything's at TonyHinchcliffe.com. You can go to DeathSquad.tv. You can check out. Make sure you rate, subscribe on our podcast on YouTube, on iTunes.

I want to send some love to Malcolm out. He had a horrible thing that happened last night. Much love to Malcolm. Love you, buddy. We love you. Don't forget Dom Irarra next week. To this live audience that we had here tonight, thank you so much.

We appreciate you every single week driving from all different parts of Southern and Northern California to come hang out with us. Thank you so much. Good night, everyone. See you guys.会いたいよ今すぐ Your lonely road star はたき Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.