KILL TONY - KILL TONY #322

Episode Date: February 2, 2019

Dom Irrera, William Montgomery, David Deery, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/28/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode available to download and you also have video portions to this show. Click on tour dates to come see us live. Not only we do a comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are on the road. February 14th will be in Ireland. February 15th will be in Manchester.

February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Philadelphia. Now check all these different venues because we also are doing a lot of comedy shows here, too. So your mileage may vary. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Check out everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website, RyanJEbelt.com. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And that's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, squad.tv the official merchandise of the death squad universe we have some kill tony shirts left but they're going fast and we got some death squad shirts mugs and hats go to shop squad.tv all right here's a brand new episode

of kill tony Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclap. Hi, everybody. Welcome. This is Brian Red Band. I'll say his name loud and clear like a goddamn professional. There's Ryan J. Ebeld right there. We are live from the main room of the Comedy Store.

A bunch of comedians everywhere. Fuck yeah, it's a chill little Monday. How you guys doing? You excited to be here? Wonder Woman is here. It's an exciting time. We just got back from Phoenix, Arizona. How awesome was that? Unbelievable. The fact that we did a

3 p.m. show and the energy and the excitement of that room was insane. It was packed. It was like 600 people or something like that. Yeah, it's crazy that we could pull off something like that. The Friday nights at 8 or 10, I get in a fun city.

But a Saturday, 3 p.m., we were just there less than a year ago. So much fun. And we're going out on the road again. We're doing Dublin, Ireland, which is pretty sure sold out. But there might be a slight. They might be releasing the few comps that they put aside. So look out for that. Same thing goes for Manchester.

I think there might be a few tickets being released so try daily. And London, a few more tickets going to be released. I'm doing stand-up in London the whole week after the 18th or the 23rd of February at the Soho Theater just by myself doing a solo English show, like a

one-man show. Come out, do a fucking little bit, touch more than an hour and then it goes on. You know what helps me with my energy levels doing a long show like that? Caveman Coffee. I fucking love it. Unbelievable. It's the secret to my ability

to be able to come back from Phoenix like I did today and always have enough energy to have fun here. You can go to cavemancoffee.com use the promo code KILTONI and save 15%. How cool is that? Make sure you type in KILTONI in the promo codes that they know we sent you.

That's a smart move. Things are either smart or they're not smart. You know what is smart? Or you know what's not smart? Job boards that send you candidates that aren't qualified for the role you posted. But you know what is smart? Going to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony to hire the right person. Did you know that?

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kill Tony. That's K I L L T O N Y. That's zip recruiter.com slash kill Tony zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. There we go. Ryan J E belts right there. Still, just like I said,

when I first came out, he's still sitting there. Ryan J E belt is there. We, uh, be on the lookout for truly. I mean, Ryan J has E-Belt is there. Be on the lookout for truly, I mean, Ryan J. has been with us for years, but when I tell you that

the greatest piece of Kill Tony artwork is about to be released, I mean it's about to be fucking released. It's crazy. You're not going to believe it. It's unbelievable. The new Kill Tony posts are coming soon. Make sure you follow us on all social media, Twitter, Instagram, everything to

see it and have the link when it comes out. Extremely exclusive. It's unbelievable. It's the greatest piece of art I've ever seen. And I'm pumped about things. Jeremiah Watkins is going to be in Kansas City March 14th through the 16th. That's his hometown. Go to jeremiahwatkins.com

for that. And our guest tonight is going to be at Brad Garrett's Comedy Club in Vegas, February 4th to the 7th in Bananas in New Jersey, February 23rd to the 24th. He is one of the best comedians on the planet. Comedy Central ranked him, I believe, number 39, but Comedy Central's full of shit. Here he is, one of our favorite guests in the world, the great Dom Irera. Yeah, baby. Hey.

Literally, probably not only our favorite guest, but one that we wait for the exciting end of the football season every year because you throw a Monday night football party at your place every Monday and you can't do the show during football season. Dom's basically like having an NFL player as a guest for the show. With some subtle differences. Physically, they're a little more gifted than me. But mentally, I can outdance any of those motherfuckers.

Welcome back. We're excited that you're here. You've done the show more than anybody You know everything about it It's great to see it taking off man When it was just you, me and baby Louie Baby Louie? That's you

We were up there in the belly room Now the thing goes all over the place And you know who was with us this weekend In Phoenix Was the Kill Tony band. And they are here tonight as well. Every single week, every single episode, they commit to being different characters. You never know what they're going to be.

I never know what they're going to be. And they stay in character throughout the show. They hang out with us and have fun. They're the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Let's see what Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Let's see what they are tonight.

Here they come. What? Wait a second. I don't... What? Oh my god. I believe I know what's happening here. They have mouse ears and mouse noses and a bunch of weights and stretch bands.

Are you guys gym rats? Yeah. Wow. This is incredible. Jeremiah Watkins in full sweatpants and muscle shirt, dressed like a mouse, that goes to the gym a lot. Nailed it. We have Chroma Chris over there in the same,

and then we have what appears to be some guy with the worst way to cross the border illegally ever. Just a gigantic rat. Don't bother me, Ice. I've been working my quads, my lats. I stay away from the traps. Hey, here we go. And we're in.

So it's gym rat sign. Very specific character. But not only do they go to the gym a lot, but they're also rats. You would love my diet. It's literal garbage. Okay, okay. It's garbage!

You sound like... Are you from New York or something? Yeah, aren't all rats from there? Well, I'm excited. We got Dom Irero, we got Jim Ratz, and we have a bucket of destiny filled with comedians' names. Anything can happen. Might be an audience member, might be somebody's first time ever,

might be a comedy vet that just moved here from fucking Antarctica. Anything can happen. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or I'll sure gonna, of course, bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Then I interview you a little bit afterwards. We find out more about that person and make jokes and figure out if we can help their set at all, figure out if we can help them as a human being, figure out more about what makes them different and special. Hey, look who's coming in late. You might be wondering, is that a black cloud of dust?

No, that's Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. She's here in the flesh. Tony, I actually lived in Aphrodite's hair for about two months. You did? One of the gym rats lived in Aphrodite's hair. That's crazy. All right, you guys ready to get this party started? Here we go.

It's Kill Tony Live. The return of Dom Irera. I'm so excited about this. And Jim Ratz. I'm pumped. Mom? Oh, it's my Aunt Dolores. All right, I pulled your first name out of the bucket tonight.

Anything can happen. This sort of seems familiar. Let's see what happens. It's the comedy stylings of Kenny Brown. Oh, there he is from a lucky corner. He's jumping over the seats. Wow, he's coming over. Kenny Brown.

Hello, everyone. Hi, there. There are some odd things I'm afraid of. Like, odd shit. Really odd shit. Like, I'm afraid of asking for mayo from a black waiter. Because I know as soon as he puts it down, he's just going to look at me like, I'm taking your black card later. And he's just going to watch me put that shit on.

Oh, I love mayo, y'all. I'm afraid of peeing while sneezing and not holding my dick. That shit gets everywhere. It gets on the toilet seat, it gets on my belly, it not holding my dick. That shit gets everywhere. It gets on the toilet seat, it gets on my belly, it gets on my toes, like some sort of R. Kelly video. Oh.

I'm afraid of getting called the N-word in Costa Mesa. Or in the OC area. Because then it's like me and Dennis Rodman sometimes. He's not going to do a goddamn thing. I work security. All right.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Kenny Brown. Hell yeah, Kenny. You've been on this show before, right? I have. And how did that go compared to other sets that you've had? How do you feel about that? Is that your best one yet?

Oh, no. I think my last one was better. Hell yeah. Can I just say, big fan of your new show, Triggered, on Netflix. Hey! He's about to run the jewels. Trigger warning. You look like I don't

run the jewels. Jewels. Trigger warning. Get it right there. You look like I don't run the Jewel. You really love mayonnaise that much? Mm-hmm. Is that true?

You put it on anything weird that we would be surprised to know about? Nah, just burgers and sandwiches. I'm not a weird black guy like that. I eat mayonnaise off my wife's pussy. Wait, what? I'm a rat! So, Kenny, does that ever happen where you actually sneeze while you're peeing? Is that a real thing

or is that something you just wrote? No, it just happened last week. I wasn't holding my dick and I was peeing and I sneezed in the morning. How do you not hold your dick? Because I wasn't holding my dick, and I was peeing, and I sneezed in the morning. How do you not hold your dick? Because I wasn't holding my dick. Were you sitting down? No, I was literally just like this.

You're toilet on the wall? You're just standing there. And not holding my dick. How do you have your hand in your pocket while you're peeing? Wouldn't your pants fall down? I'm very confused by all this. No, I go through the zipper. Do you never pee with no hands?

Well, I understand why you could do it. You're a rat. I got paws. Do rats have paws? Look it up. Kenny. Yes. Were there any jokes that you had tonight that you really were surprised they didn't get a laugh?

I was ready to do more. That wouldn't get loud, but yeah. Was there a point where we were actually kind of, geez, that usually works, and tonight it didn't? Yeah, probably the whole slapping it on, because then I twist the burger over, then do the other bun. Now I see the humor.

Yeah. Kenny, how long have you been doing stand-up? Seven to eight months now. Seven to eight months. I love that you say it like it's a prison sentence or something like that. It's going to get seven to eight months for this one. So you started here in Los Angeles? OC, OC area.

Long Beach. Long Beach, Costa Mesa. Oh, okay. Out there. Oh, yeah, where they sell a lot of cars. Hey, I remembered you. You're the one with the small arms. Are you the tiny arm guy? Is that why you're wearing a tiny jacket to overcompensate?

Yes. Yes, I am. Tiny forearm. I'm, yes, a tiny forearm guy. Thank you. Thank you. Those aren't forearms. Those are three arms.

Those things are number two pencils attached to your shoulder. You should be writing better jokes. This is incredible. I forgot how tiny his arms are. That's why he's wearing this floppy jacket. You made him roll up his sleeves. It's a nice jacket. The police are like,

we have an unarmed black man. Joelberg. Joelberg. Holy shit. Police wouldn't know what to do with him. You put the cuffs on him, he just starts doing jumping jacks or something like that. Just slip up. They call it Houdini.

Jumping jacks wouldn't be the reference there. Anyway, so, Kenny, do your tiny arms ever affect you in your normal everyday life? Are there things that you can't do because of your... For those of you listening to the podcast, Kenny, he's standing here. He seems healthy and happy, but he is the arms of a quadriplegic man. Cerebral palsy. He's built like a quadriplegic man that has an overactive feeding tube. Does holding a balloon hurt you?

Does holding a balloon hurt you? No. Chroma Chris just handed him a 20-pound dumbbell because they really are gym rats. When I tell you that the band looks like gym rats today, it's quite incredible. Perhaps gym mice. I think the rats ears perhaps are a little bit sharper. today. It's quite incredible. Perhaps Jim Mice. I really think that rats ears perhaps are a little bit

sharper. We spent $20 a piece to look like rats tonight. How many of you think Byron, I'm just curious. Don't you do it Tony. Don't you do a poll to the audience! We are rats!

I've already started. I've got to finish it. Just be honest. How many of you think, by round of applause, that they look more like Jim Mice than Jim Rats? I know sometimes it's hard to pick up how loud the audience... Okay, let's do the other side. How many of you think they look more like Jim Rats than Jim Mice? I know sometimes it's hard to pick up how loud the audience is. Okay, let's do the other side.

How many of you think they look more like Jim Ratz than Jim Mice? Because some of the same people clapped twice. I will take Jim Koala Bears over Jim Mice. We are not mice. I actually do believe you look more like... How many of you think they look most like Jim Koala Bears? Wow. Really dug my own grave on that one. You guys do look adorable.

Kenny, you ever have any rats where you live? Yes, I do. They're actually rats where I live now. They're still active right now. I recently just caught four rats on one trap. Well, when you can't bend the trap. You're a monster. When you don't have the strength to bend the trap back,

I guess it's pretty hard to get them out of your place. Four rats, really? On one. That means you have hundreds of rats. I try not to think. I haven't seen one recently, but in the last couple weeks I've seen that. So you're in an Airbnb.

You know what my favorite kind of genre of music is? What? Trap music. Because I'm a rat! Okay. Well, Kenny, you got the party started tonight. It was nice to talk to you again. Fun times. Anything else for Kenny, guys? I think he has a It was nice to talk to you again. Fun times.

Anything else for Kenny, guys? I think he has a great attitude. Yeah, he really does. Clearly a great sense of humor. Seven to eight months in, you're writing jokes, you're doing it. Kenny Brown. He's on Instagram at KennyBigBelly, all one word. He knows he's a little bit chubby.

He's KennyBigBelly on Instagram. It's amazing how long a minute can seem. He hung in there. You gotta give it to him. Wow. I fucking love it. You guys having fun so far? You get it? That's just

an example of what can happen here. We've seen Kenny a couple times. It's always fun to watch people come back. Alright, here we go. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Daniel Magdon. Daniel Magdon.

He's running from the lucky corner. Should I stay or should I go? Hey, gang. When I was a kid, I didn't get vaccinated, but I still became autistic. So fucking checkmate, Jenny McCarthy. What's up, bitches? It's not fair.

I don't have full-blown autism. I have Asperger's. That's like diet autism. Like, uh, a lot of people don't understand what it means. They'll be like, so are you, like, really into trains? You can count real good? Like Rain Man or something? Fucking no, it just means I won't make eye contact with you while I tell you everything I know about Steely Dan.

Like, that's not, It's not a superpower. That's not... Sometimes I watch incest porn. But just for the fantasy of having my father around. They try to make that stuff look not weird. They'll be like, it's a stepbrother and a stepsister. But that's worse to me, because now I've got to think about the divorce this family's going through.

What the fuck? Thanks, guys. Fuck yeah, Daniel Magdon. What's up, guys? Hell yeah. Welcome back, buddy. We've seen you on this show before, right? Yeah, I was on the last time Don was on. Oh, wow, that's incredible.

Yeah, I never forget a face that looks like yours. Yeah. So welcome back, Daniel. Daniel, for those of you listening to the podcast, looks like if Cartman was raised in a trailer park instead of South Park. This is the third time I've done this show and the third time he's done that joke.

We're doing fantastic. Oh, baby. No, by the way, first of all, let me teach you something. Let me teach you something right now. Listen to the people whose souls I've taken go crazy for that. Wow. Yeah, you got them! I did not. I didn't get anything.

Let me explain something to you, Daniel, so that one day you'll understand how this works. First of all, I'll do it a fourth, fifth, and sixth time, you piece of shit. And second of all, I punched it up that time, but you didn't even get to hear. Normally I just say you look like Carmen from South Park, if this or that. But I added more to it today by saying that if he was raised in a trailer park instead of South Park. And I did that in the 60 seconds that you were up here,

you ungrateful scumbucket. Hiya. My bad. These motherfuckers are turning on me tonight. Look at this. The comedian's just eating it up. Not bad. Got a bigger laugh than anything you've written in the past

seven months since we've seen you laugh. Yeah, absolutely. You fucking love muffin you. Yeah, that's what he is. That's what my grandpa calls me. Alright, alright, Daniel, let's relax a little bit. That explains the incest porn. Hey. This fucking

kid. I'm getting roasted by a goddamn fucking burning trash fire. Did somebody say trash? Yeah. So Daniel, welcome back. You're adorable. How much of what you talked about is true? All of it for the most part.

You like incest porn? Are you faking your ass boogers? Not that part. No, that was a joke, but what's part. Are you faking your Asperger's? No, that was a joke. Are you faking your Asperger's? You know, to get ahead in the career. It's helping me out, absolutely. Rats love Asperger's, right?

I took my wife to... No, we like Clint Burger. Hello, cheese! Daniel, how long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. Three years. How long in L.A.? Since September.

Oh, okay. Where are you originally from? Dallas. Dallas. You've been here since September. What do you do for work? I work at a Jersey Mike's. Oh.

In the sandwich biz. Yeah, they suck. Whoa, Jesus. Wow, there goes our Jersey Mike sponsorship for no reason. All for that big laugh on the, you suck, Jersey Mike. I hate him. Let's just burn. Welcome to another episode of Burning Bridges that were never built with Brian Redband.

Daniel, how do you like working for Jersey Mike's? It's all right. I get a free sandwich. I steal a lot of cookies. That's a good time. Jersey Mike's? It's alright. I get a free sandwich. Just steal a lot of cookies. That's a good time. How long you worked with Jersey Mike's?

Did you transfer from wherever you lived in Dallas? No. When I worked at Subway? No. When I was in Dallas, I worked at a Whataburger for like two years. When you were in Dallas, you worked at a Whataburger? Yes. And how long did you work at Whataburger? Like two years. What did you do before that?

Nothing really I was out of high school How old are you? 22 Wow 22 And you're already in the mix Roasting the host back and shit

I fucking like that That's good You have a huge fucking jump start Which is crazy Because you probably can't jump I cannot I don't know when the last time I jumped was probably can't jump. I cannot. I don't know when the last time I jumped was.

I can't tell you. Very good. What do you do for fun when you're not doing a stand-up comedy or apparently rolling down hills? Do you have any hobbies or something like that? No, I smoke a lot of weed. That's a good time. No! But that's not a hobby, and if you say that's a hobby,

you're just an uninteresting person, which I am. Do that. I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately. That's pretty fun. I have no real hobbies. Any favorite documentaries that you've seen lately? You know, I was watching that Ted Bundy documentary. Yeah, I actually watched a bit of it today.

That was hilarious. It was so good. Dude, that guy's got some good bits. And pieces. Anyway, Daniel, you have a girlfriend? No. When's the last girlfriend you had? Well, that's a great question, Tony.

Sometime in high school. It's been a while. I want to see Aphrodite fuck the shit out of you. That's what I want. I want to see a fucking blood moon eclipse here tonight. When the darkness comes over this orange substance that's on the fucking stage. Will you? Will you sit on his face?

Would you let Aphrodite sit on your face here on the main stage of the world famous comedy store? Look out there. Now hold on. Hold on. Daniel, why don't you just lay down? I'm not trying to get pink guy again, Tony.

Pink guy? Listen, if you do it, I'll do it. I can't do that. Jeremiah just wants to do it. I'm just a rat. Daniel, if you do it, Jeremiah will do it. Jeremiah just wants to do it. I'm just a rat. Daniel, if you do it, Jeremiah will do it. What the fuck are you thinking right now?

What else do you have to do after this? You don't even have any fucking hobbies, bro. I have no hobbies. You're just gonna smoke pot all night and think about how you should have had Aphrodite sit on your face. All these people will follow you on social media. They'll shake your hand afterwards.

That sounds like a literal nightmare. If that happens, I'm going home. I will go first. I volunteer as tribute. You know what, Daniel? Why don't you just watch the gym rat do it and think it over. I'm pretty sure Aphrodite's about

to sit on Jeremiah's face, ladies and gentlemen. Sit on Jeremiah's face. I noticed that he... Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aphrodite! This is fucked. gentlemen make some noise for Aphrodite Wow the one and only Aphrodite has arrived oh my god this is... Here we go. Alright. Let's turn down the music a little bit.

Wait. We've gotten word that Aphrodite can't literally sit on his face. Or else... Or else... Oh shit. Hold on, hold on. You need to spot. I'll spot you. Oh, she's using him as a stool. sit on his face or else or else oh shit oh she's using him as a stool somebody getting

this somebody have a camera in the world thank you Rick Kossack it's actually better than oh my god okay okay It's actually better than Oh my god Okay Okay So this is how

This is how Jeremiah died Yeah you will I mean what can I say It doesn't get any better than that. Is anybody getting hungry? They do have chocolate chip cookies available. Chocolate chip? Daniel, what do you think?

You want to sit on your butt right there? Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! Daniel! There he goes. He just popped down.

Wow. Come on, really get it in there, Aphrodite. There we go. Hell yeah. Boom. Tony. Boom. Tony. Yes. Dom Irera.

The place is so different now that you got writers. It's great. And that was from the black Jesus, baby. Wow. That looked like if there was a Problem Child Sister Act reboot. Run. She might eat you. She thinks you're a little Cheeto.

Guys, I think we just solved racism. Oh, come on. I thought you'd enjoy this more. You look so much like a young Louis C.K. I thought you'd be into kinkier shit than this. That was surprisingly draining. Well, good, because I'm done with you. There he goes, Daniel Magdon. Aphrodite, why don't you stay right there?

Why don't you stand right there? For being such a hero all the time and always being barred, why don't we get a brand-new minute from Aphrodite? What's up, what's up? I went home last year to see the family. Don't ever go to the Midwest, y'all. Don't ever go. Motherfuckers are backwards down there.

I got a question. Is there really anything wrong with punching an 87-year-old lady in the face? Is that really wrong? My mom is out of control. She put her dukes up when I came home. Because I look too much like my damn daddy. She want to kill me. I said, Mom, I'm not him.

I'm not him. She still want to fight me. She think I'm disgusting. She said my ass is too big. She had the nerve to tell me I could borrow some of her 87-year-old clothes. What the fuck is wrong with my mama? How the fuck am I supposed to be sexy wearing 87-year-old

woman's motherfucking clothes? Who the fuck is going to fuck me? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Sure. You know? So I'm telling you it might be wrong. I'm going to jail. Next time she put a dukes up, I'm going to knock the fuck out of my mama. I'm sorry. There you Next time she put a dukes up, I'm going to knock the fuck out of my mama. I'm sorry. There you go. Afro motherfucking

dighty right there. Thank you. Hell yeah. Jeremiah? Yeah, why does she look like Tyler Perry presents Hocus Pocus? Alright, alright, alright. That's alright. I see your ass outside, my buddy. Oh,, all right. That's all right.

I see your ass outside, motherfucker. Oh, she's mad. I already saw yours. On the outside, motherfucker. On the outside. You made Aphrodite mad-dia. Tyler Perry magic. Afro, afro, afro.

I mean, you know, not the craziest fucking minute, but I mean absolutely hilarious for as likable as you are in the shit that you're talking about. Great misdirect because I thought there was some 87-year-old lady starting shit with you at the whatever the fuck a woman like you hangs out at or does or whatever, like bingo night or whatever the fuck. But the twist being that it's your mom you know

super cool I think you could of course you know the note never ends of like trimming out extra words and shit but you know I mean so fucking likable so cool you're here every Monday even more always jazzed up and fucking more charismatic and happier than the week before how's life

going very good very good. You know, I'm doing my new show and everything. You're doing a new show on YouTube called? Yeah, Stupid Central. Stupid Central. Stupid. We got to get stupid in this fucking life, you know? I love it.

Yeah. It makes no sense to be sane. Everybody else is fucking stupid. I love your goddamn spirit, Aphrodite. How's your ass doing? My ass is astronomical doing good, really good. The young men are touching it more and more. You know, I got selections.

I got choices. You know what I'm saying? Hey. Jesus Christ. I have no idea what you just said. No, actually, the muscle man is back. The muscle man is back. The muscle.

Oh, you're getting your chocolate cakes pounded again. Yeah, Mr. Anaconda. Wow. Hell yeah. I like them big and fat and long. How big is this guy? How old is he? How big is he?

He's like 6'3". 6'3". And black as fuck. You call him Mr. Muscles. You guys ever see this guy at the gym? Yeah, he's black as fuck. A 6'3 black anaconda? You know, I'm a big ass woman.

I can't handle a little skinny guy. I kill his ass. He'd be dead the first time. Do you know? I can't have no skin. I love that you actually you you made a point. You would not actually sit sit like you did not want to put your weight on Jeremiah's face. Yeah, I broke his neck.

Jeremiah was ready, though. He had his head. He had his head, the back of his head against the stage. He did not take, for those of you listening, he did not take his protective rat nose cover off. I gotta be careful. I can't be getting caught killing white people. You know what I'm saying?

Sneak around and do that shit. I'm not gonna raw rat that situation. There's too many witnesses in this motherfucker. Afro, I fucking love you. I love your spirit. Thanks for always being part of the show. Yeah, thanks for being at the roast battle, man. And let me tell you something.

You know, that minute that you did, really, you're pacing and you're timing and you're not making desperate jokes about desperate things that sound extreme and sort of unbelievable, like the guy that doesn't hold his dick at all when he pees. You know what I mean?

Like, it's like, even though it's not, you know, crushing, you know, written blows, I feel like you're talking about honest, sort of, like, fun, cool stuff. And with your delivery system, it's so cool that you've gotten into the game so late, but we've watched you grow so much over the, you've been coming here, like, two years now. Yeah, over two years, and it's so

beautiful you were there when I won the roast battle twice. That was so cool. Yeah, just last week. I went up there on Tuesday. And I get more nervous when I see that Aphrodite is doing roast battle than for any roast battle I've ever done. I don't want to see this fucking sweet, you know. Oh, no. I got something for these young motherfuckers.

She really does. Bring your ass on out up in here. She turns it up. It's so funny because I see all these, it's always like, you know, guys that look like me, you know what I mean, but younger, just these fucking cocky open micers that think they're gonna make big black woman old lady jokes on you and you

just fucking call them out on their culture. Oh, no, I grew up in the murder capital of St. Louis where they talk about your mama and you better not say nothing about the shit. You're like Bernie Big Mac. That's right. All right, motherfuckers. Fuck with me. I get by with all kinds of shit at 63,

just punching motherfuckers in the face. Ain't even illegal. Oh, my God. No, it's not. 63, you can hit motherfuckers all the time. Okay, Aphrodite. Before you confess to a crime, I'm going to get you out of here. You didn't hit it? You didn't hear

shit? There she goes. I love you! She loves you. It's Aphrodite, guys. Come on. Hell yeah. How about one more time for Aphrodite? Isn't she just the sweetest thing? I have a special place in my heart for her.

Okay. How about Charlie Lopez? Let's get him up here. Charlie Lopez. What up, Hollywood? You guys believe in love at first sight? How about now? Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Yo. If I was to fuck a dead body, it would be a dead body coming out of the river a couple days before. That way, you know, I'll guarantee that pussy's gonna be wet. Yo. For sure.

So. All right. So. Thank you. So, I don't know what I got in common with priests, but I know what I what I got in common with priests, but I know what I don't have in common with priests. They like big butts, and they cannot...

They like big butts? I fucked up that joke. Oh, shit. You guys just started laughing way too much. I like big butts, and I cannot lie. They like boys, and they have to lie. Damn. Fuck yeah, Charlie Lopez.

Hell yeah, dude. Fuck. Yeah, man. It's all good. I did not expect that. Five weeks coming out. What didn't you expect? Tell us what you didn't expect.

To kill that joke, and that was my go-to joke. So wait. You guys loved the one before that way too much, and I was like, whoa, that shit got to my head. You mean the one that we loved was when you said, I fucked that joke up and everybody laughed? That was good too. That's why, honestly,

I'm confused at which part upset you. Help me. That part upset me. Was the part where they all laughed when you said that you fucked up. My honesty still gets laughed, so... Well, that's... Hey, go with it, right? I don't understand why that would anger you, though.

Oh, no, no, I'm not angry. So now you're not angry? Angry towards myself? Yeah, a little bit, but not the fact that I'm up here. I'm fucking glad I came up here. That's right, dog. So, yeah. That's what's up, eh? Let it go. Wait a second.

Are you one of the gym rats, too? This foot crushed it, eh? He sort of has those round ears. Shocking. He's a trainer for the Dodgers. Wow. Okay, so Charlie You've been coming here for five weeks What does that mean?

You've been signing up for five weeks for Kill Tony? You haven't gotten up until tonight Yeah And that was What did you think was gonna happen? That I wouldn't fuck up that one And I was like one of my best ones We need to build a wall

Oh god it's so bad So let me get this right So let me get this right One of my best ones. We need to build a wall. Oh, God, it's so bad. So let me get this right. So let me get this right. You like big butts, and you cannot lie. And priests like little boys. And they have to lie. And they have to lie. That's right, dog.

And that's the whole thing? That's it. And that shit fucking kills. That's one of your go-tos? Yeah. All right. We need to define the word go-to to you. Yeah, that one might...

I got too many. I got a top ten. That's solid. How long have you been doing stand-up? What are you, David Letterman? You have a top ten? Tonight, we're going to go to our top ten. But for our first, we've been signing up for five weeks.

Let's do our bottom two. Joke number six. I like having sex with dead bodies. Right? Oh, man. That usually fucking kills, man. That was my favorite. You have a top ten list of your favorite jokes? Dom, do You have a top 10

List of your favorite jokes Dom do you have a top 10 of your Of his favorite jokes I gotta tell you I've been on the show A lot of times you're the first guest I've ever been afraid of I can just picture getting into my car Going not too funny now huh motherfucker

That's still a compliment. A little fun fact for you. A lot of people know about the time in Austin, Texas at Moon Tower in which Jeremiah was attacked by a guy on mushrooms. I'll let you know, Dom, that you did tap me before that. I remember. So now I'm afraid because you tapped me when that guy first got on stage that eventually attacked Jeremiah. You go, that's something about this guy. You could feel it was real.

Dom actually got up, right? Didn't you get up at one point and start moving away from everything? I got behind the fat guy, Jake. Big Jay Oakerson. Wow. Charlie, you ever assault anybody? You ever physically assault anyone? Tell the truth.

Remember, the only honest part of your set is what got a laugh. I actually have a top ten assault list, Tony. Oh. Charlie, go ahead. Unless they assaulted me first. Yeah. Then, yeah.

I'm trying to watch my sodium intake so I'm not fucking with salt right now. Okay, okay, all right. So, Charlie, what... So, like, you ever get assaulted by someone and then beat them up real good? You seem like the kind of guy that would just kick somebody in the ribs once somebody else puts them down. You look like you do drive-bys on a bike.

What's your go-to move in a fight? Honestly. You have a specialty? And then it doesn't always work and you're like that shit usually does much better go ahead charlie no honestly what's your good thing i'm afraid of a go-to if they're bigger than me just hold my fucking ground and keep fucking throwing blows yeah just swing a lot swing a lot it's been a while. Unfortunately, it's been a while since I got in a fight. Unfortunately?

Yeah. It's been 20 years. That's way too long, but honestly, I'm a grown man. Let's keep that street going. 20 years since your last fight. You were born and raised here in Los Angeles?

I grew up in East Los Angeles. I moved out of the suburbs early. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started writing jokes in the summer, and I started stand-up October. October. So, yeah, you're a little baby. I'm 34, so.

Well, that's not what I meant. I should have did my long balls joke. I should have did my long balls joke, but it's okay. Is that in the top ten? Most definitely is. The love at first sight thing, you don't think that that sort of turns people against you right from the get? Do you guys

believe in love at first sight than you're about to or whatever you said? I like old school shit and not too many people do old school shit like one-liners. You mean like somebody else's jokes from like the 30s? I mean, is that what you're talking about? I've never heard. Is that like on?

That's like a Laffy Taffy joke. I didn't even think it was a joke. I'm surprised Laffy. I'm more surprised Laffy Taffy would do that shit than. I haven't said that joke, so maybe one day. Dude, look, the same thing I've always said for anybody that's been doing this a few months or whatever. It's like fucking try everything, fail miserably. The most important thing is coming back to open mics and shows like this and everything and doing it again and getting better.

It doesn't matter how your first set goes. It matters how your last set goes. I haven't bombed yet, to tell you the truth. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got news for you, baby boy. You guys love that joke. I got news for you, my man. You guys love that joke.

We have breaking news coming in right now? Till now. You've bombed before. It happened. Live here tonight. That laugh that you get messing up your joke does not count towards the not bombing part of things.

It happened, bro. It happened. No one's going to arrest you for it. I did bomb that one. That one? No, the whole set. It was just 60 seconds. But let me tell you something else. You've been doing open mics around town, right? Yeah. You've bombed, dude. I haven't. Tony, don't. What do me tell you something else. You've been doing open mics around town, right? Yeah.

You've bombed, dude. I haven't. Tony, don't. What do you mean you haven't? Tony, it's not worth it. Let it go. Let it go. I totally forgot we were afraid of this guy, Dom.

I totally forgot. There's been less enthusiastic open mics. Less enthusiastic than what happened here tonight? I wouldn't say bomb. A4, your gang name is Delusional, Tom. Charlie, I don't think you're getting it, man. The note is that it's good to fail. I love it.

I'm not embarrassed. It'll make you wake up and fucking start writing jokes. Oh, my God. So many people laughed at that one joke. It took me more than five fucking seconds. Charlie. To get to the next. Charlie.

I zoned out. I zoned out. That's a great color for you, by the way. Brings out your eyes. Thank you. It really does. All right, Charlie. We're going to see you again.

I think you're going to sign up again, and I think you're going to be on this show again, and we're going to talk about this. But I have hobbies. I'm a fucking artist. I'm more interesting than so many. Okay. That's it. We're going to stop. this. But I have hobbies. I'm a fucking artist. I'm more interesting than so many. Okay, that's it. We're going to stop. There he goes. Charlie Lopez, everybody. Yeah, dude. Next time.

Just like a typical Lopez, he wants to work more for free up here. Oh. La Bomba is right. On to the next one. Like the great Jay-Z once said. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's get Xavier Campos up here.

Xavier Campos. Anything can happen. can happen. Hey! Yeah! Here he comes. Hey guys, what's going on? Alright, a little bit about me, a little bit about me. I have a twin comforter on a queen size bed. That way everything looks bigger when I'm laying down on it? Ladies, ladies, fellas, it's like a life hack. You can go ahead and write that home. Put it in your back pocket, take it home with you. Oh, no.

No, I've... Okay, okay. I'm childish. I need to grow up, actually. Like, I've come to this new realization. Like, I only want to date women that wear nude color underwear. Right? Is there anything more mature than, like, nude underwear

with just, like, a little bit of lace on them? No. No way. I think not. Right? No, like, that's the weird stuff that goes through my mind at the laundromat. The laundromat is a very fun place, right? The laundromat is the exact place I find out how far women are taking the whole animal print thing.

There's nothing wrong with the animal print thing, by the way. But every once in a while, I run into a woman. She opens up her hamper, and it's like Noah's Ark. I'm spilling out of that thing. She has two of everything. All right. Fuck yeah. Xavier Campos.

Hi, Xavier. Hey, what's going on? It's your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Nice Campos. Hi, Xavier. Hey, what's going on? It's your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you. How's it going? You seem like a young buck.

How old are you? I'm 27. Wow. 27. You look so young. You look so young that a priest would like you. And I don't know if you know this, but they cannot lie. And they like boys, and they cannot lie.

You like big butts. Yeah. But priests like boys, and they cannot lie. You like big butts. But priests like little boys. And you can lie. I can. Alright, anyway. There's still a chance we're gonna get killed by Charlie Lopez at any point here tonight. I'm terrified right now. I'm terrified. You're terrified

of it too? Yeah, absolutely. My goodness. So, anyway. Xavier, this. My goodness. My goodness. So anyway, Xavier, this is your first time on the show. How long have you been on stand-up? Since like February. Since February. So almost a year, almost a year.

Oh, okay. Very good. Well, look at you. You came up. I loved your approach, man. You came up and you got right into it. Twin size. Oh, the cops are here for Charlie.

Oh, okay. That was the actual police, wasn't it? That wasn't even you. I called them. Sunset Strip. I don't mean to rat, but... So, Xavier, tell us a little bit about you. I mean, you've been, you know.

Oh yeah, so I started up in San Francisco. I was going to school up there. I could tell you there was something a little bit San Francisco about you. Very rarely do I ever bring this up, but sometimes people jog or run to the stage. And out of everybody that I've ever seen jog or run to the stage, you do have the silliest run I've ever seen. It was really unbelievable. It's like a prance. Yes, it was very like...

It was like you were riding a horse, and I'm like, what is going... It's like he came... It was moving forward, but he was also bouncing like this. Would you ride an air horse up here? I think so. I was like a jockey in my former life.

Would you mind doing a quick lap around the crowd so they can all see what I'm talking about? For you podcast listeners, Xavier is about to go for a quick jog around. Sure, yeah, run anywhere. I don't give a fuck. Look at him. Hey, that's how he runs. All right, who gives a fuck? Xavier, so you're from San Francisco.

What else? You're a young buck, 27. So what does a 27-year-old like you do for fun? Like, I used to do music and stuff before this, but it wasn't really, like, my thing. What do you mean you used to do music? What kind of music? Were you playing an instrument?

No, like, I used to kind of music? I used to produce and then I did the more engineer work and stuff. I'm not cool enough to actually make music. Oh, I know. That was just more sad. My God, if you had half the confidence that Charlie Lopez has,

you'd be a whole other monster. I can't really make the music. I can't really make it. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks he fucking destroyed tonight. I've never bombed. The streak continues. So, Xavier, did you have, like, music that you've produced? Is it out there on SoundCloud or something?

Can we listen to it somehow? Are you getting singing in it or anything? No, I don't think so. I don't think so right now. You just produced it, so you took samples and put them together or you worked for someone? I used to do that and I used to play original stuff too. What else do you do?

What do you do for fun? You're Latino? Yeah, I am Latino. 100% Mexican? I think so. I think so. Both my fans were adopted. If you think so, the answer is yes.

Yeah, absolutely. So you go to the gym or anything like that? No. When's the last time you went to the gym? I don't think I've ever been to the gym. How much do you think you lift? Oh, I don't know. Not a lot.

You've never been to the gym ever? No, never been to the gym. Do you know a guy named Jim? Even I've been to the gym. Do you know a guy named Jim? Yeah, even Brian's been to the gym ever? No, never been to the gym. Do you know a guy named Jim? Even I've been to the gym. Do you know a guy named Jim? Yeah, even Brian's been to the gym. They make the best smoothies. Good smoothie bars.

Xavier, I mean, what do you do to stay healthy? I know you don't run in public. No, I don't run in public. People would fucking kill you if they saw you running like that. No, I just try to eat good, I guess. Yeah? What do you mean? I don't know.

I just like small portions. Like dead birds and stuff like that? Like chicken. What did you have for breakfast? Eggs. Xavier, tell us something crazy about you that we wouldn't believe. Some little fun fact. Oh, so one crazy thing.

The day I moved down to Southern California, I got beat up by five cops, but then they were like, oh, wrong guy. Wrong guy? Oh, shit. The day you moved from San Francisco to L.A., you got beat up by five cops, and then they said, wrong guy. Yeah. Don't you hate that? Huh? I hate that.

Yeah, do you hate that? My God. What did they, where was this? I was in Huntington Beach, and, like, I got, like, I was out getting drinks, but then I went to, buy a cheeseburger, and I was paying for my cheeseburger. I got dragged up on my head. They didn't even say freeze or anything like that? No, nothing like that. Did you get a lot of money from them?

I'm in the process, I guess. I got caught on the 27th. Hey, look at that. Fucking pussy. Let me ask you this. What was the very first joke you wrote that you thought, I can do this on stage? The very first joke, I think, was about my ex-girlfriend. I got out of a really bad breakup, and I was like, all right, fuck this.

What was the joke? Nobody likes to get in a fight in a bad relationship. I used to get a lot of this. I'd get the front and back of the hand. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that, but I was fighting a magician or something. As you can see, there's nothing in my hand. And ta-da, something to fight about out of nowhere, out of thin air.

That's adorable. Is that still in your top ten? nowhere out of thin air. That's adorable. Is that still in your top ten? It filters through. That's actually a really fun question you just asked him. I like that.

Do you remember your first joke, Tom? Yeah. I was doing a show called All My Children. You ever hear that? I was a priest. It was hilarious. We got the giggles. a show called All My Children. You ever hear that? And I was a priest, and I was, it was hilarious. We got the giggles, because my lines were, Body of Christ,

Blood of Christ. And it just kept getting weird. I started, Body of Christ, Blood of Christ. So I go in the back. I don't know why I had this thing. I don't want to make this long. The joke was, my father left home when I was in second grade. He never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. Pick up other kids after school, take them to the zoo,

take them to the play ball. One day he came to me and he says, I got to live with you. I met another kid. The first time in my life I feel like a real father. Boom. The motherfucking man. Follow that, motherfucker. Yeah.

Well, Xavier, congratulations and congrats on a year coming up here in February. And I hope you sign up again and we get to see another minute from you. Yeah, absolutely. There he goes, Xavier Campos. He's on Twitter at xman underscore 777. That's the letter X, man, 777. Congratulations's the letter X man 777.

Congratulations on that paycheck he's gonna get. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The old beat up by five cops paycheck. It's gonna be a big one. Charlie has impregnated four women

while he's been sitting there. Why did he do that? He's Mexican. Oh. I can say that. I'm a rat. Alright. Let's see what happens here.

This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Andy Van. Andy Van. Here comes Andy Van. I feel like everybody's going to be afraid to jog or run to this stage now that I made fun of that guy. I think I ruined it. He looks like my girlfriend. What's up, Comedy Store?

How you guys doing? I know it may not look like it, but I do fuck. It looks like I write apps for a living, I get it, but I do fuck. It looks like I write apps for a living. I get it. I see it. No, I do. It's just sometimes girls say weird shit to me in bed. Like one time, this girl was on top,

and she wasn't Asian, and she was like, oh, yeah, give me that Vietnamese dick. First of all, I didn't tell you I was Vietnamese. So you nailed that one. I guess we're both nailing it. I don't know what the fuck she expected. There's only Vietnamese dick down there. I'm not going to be in the middle of fucking,

ah, surprise, now I'm Indian. And I didn't like the fact that she said it to me like she was ordering off a fucking menu. Yeah, I'll take the Vietnamese dick. Yeah, I'll take it to go. Vietnamese always comes out so fast, you know. Or in my case, it either comes out too fast or takes way too long and you don't fucking want it anymore.

I'm Andy Van, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. There you go, Andy Van. Hell yeah. Thank you. There you go, Andy Van. Hell yeah. There you go. Fuck yeah. All right, yeah. Andy Van, this is your first time on the show, right? Absolutely.

I remember you. You're our first ever Asian and Down Syndrome comedian that's ever been on the show. I have mild Asperger's, actually. Fuck yeah. Andy, how old are you? I'm 29. You're 29? Yeah.

Wow, yes, a verbal, I'm with that guy, deep in the back of the main room with that wow. I'm not sure to say thank you or fuck you. Andy, I got bad news for you. You're about as oblivious as Charlie Lopez right now. I've never bombed before. I don't understand why. Oh, please. Please, you took over North Korea

when your dad died. Wow. Come on. Right, this guy. So, Andy, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started really writing Jokes like six months ago, but I had been to an open mic or two before like a year ago.

Oh, so this is basically sort of really your first time doing anything in front of a real audience. Yeah, I've done a couple shows here and there. But you just didn't mention those when I asked you how long you've been doing stand-up? No, but like six months, starting like six months ago. That's when I've been doing a couple shows here and there. Oh, okay. Well, that's fun. And all here in Los Angeles? No, but starting six months ago. That's when I've been doing a couple of shows here.

Oh, okay. Well, that's fun. And all here in Los Angeles? Yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living? Right now, I wait tables. Oh, wow. But I taught high school for a bit, so yeah, before this.

But I fucking hate kids, so fuck that. What were you teaching? High school biology. Wow. Dom, did you know your son did that? It's good to see you again, Dom. Red band. Ni hao. I didn't even notice that they basically, they do. You guys

use the same eyes. Has anyone ever told you you look like a 29-year-old Asian boy before now? He was my dad, but he cheated on me, actually. So it's kind of fucked up that we're here now. Wow. Andy's making callbacks to everyone's jokes. Your powerful Asian brain is at work right now.

I remember everything. This guy's about to drop a zip recruiter at any second just out of the kindness of his heart. So, wow. Vietnamese, huh? Yeah. Is the restaurant that you work at Vietnamese? any second, just out of the kindness of his heart. So. Wow. Vietnamese, huh? Yeah. Is the restaurant that you work at Vietnamese? No, it's Japanese.

Whoa. Motherfucking race trader. How does your Vietnamese family feel about you working at a Japanese restaurant? They don't like it. Dishonor. You close with your mom and dad? What was that? You close with your mom and dad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're pretty close. I try to call them once or twice a week. Yeah. And what do they do? My mom is a pharmacist. Oh. And my dad, he's retired now.

He had cancer, so he retired early. What did he do? Wait, I love the Dom laugh. Hold on a second. Dom laughed at the part where you said he got cancer and retired early. You had to be there. What did he do before the cancer?

He ran his own electronics tech business. We're from the Bay Area. And he's Vietnamese too, huh? Yeah, yeah. What kind of cancer did he get? Stage foe that joke was pretty raw man liver cancer he had liver cancer anyway

a little geez oh man liver cancer. He had liver cancer. Anyway, anyway, a little, geez, oh man, a little bit too much sake, huh? No,

all right. Anyway, that was perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever said in my life. Liver cancer, that's the breast cancer. No.

All right. At least it's not the dumbest thing that's been said on this episode because there you go. It's like an undertaker that's like, let me dig a deeper hole for you. Six feet's not quite

enough. Did he say I got cancelled? Cancelled. And you're like, cancelled from what? And you're like... Thank you, Joel. Okie dokie. At this point, we've dug a hole almost to the other side of the planet. We're about to end up wherever the fuck your

family's from. Alright. So your last name is Van. Has that ever come back to haunt you in any way? Well, it's not. My legal last name is not Van. It's my grandpa's old last name before he changed it was Van.

He's from Vietnam. My grandfather was from Vietnam and his original last name was Van but he disowned his family. He got mad at them, so he changed it to Nguyen. Let me ask you a question that all of us white people in this room are wondering. And all of us Americans. What made your grandfather disown his family? I only see this in fucking ninja movies and shit,

like where dishonor is just fucking unbelievable. They'll just drop everything. Like, a black guy does that. Everybody's like, look at that deadbeat. Just a fucking thing. But a Japanese guy does it. It's like, wow. You go now.

You go. You don't come back. It's like always the word honor is, like, in the mix with Asian people for some reason. Go ahead. Tell us what happened. My grandfather is this incredibly intense man and he wanted to go out on his own but I guess

his parents had problems with him like... What did he want to become? A comedian? Oh, okay. I guess only I thought that was funny thank you Tony um no he he wanted to like start his own businesses and like move out of the town essentially and his parents were like no you can't do that can't move out of the town yeah what I'm talking about you see how fucking crazy that is yeah I'm not saying it was cool I'm just saying that's what he fucking

did like I'm not right advocating for that so he'm just saying that's what he fucking did. Like, I'm not advocating for that. So he left his entire family behind because they didn't want him to leave town. Yeah, yeah. When you say family, you're talking about, like, his parents, not his kids. No, no, yeah, his parents.

He didn't have kids yet. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, hell yeah, Andy. I think, I mean, I think for just doing this a few months and doing a fucking

what sounds like only a couple spots, period, you have a real knack for this. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I mean, do you work nights at the restaurant? Yeah, I work two nights a week, and yeah. Then if this is something you really want to do, man, you got to literally spend those other five nights a week

running around town doing spots. Yeah, I go to a lot of open mics. You have a car? I do, yeah. Then you have no excuse. Do more spots, fucking go get it. This interview part and a lot of the stuff that you've said and the callbacks

and everything, it shows that you have a good sense of humor. He's adorable, look at him. He's 29, already looks older than Bobby Lee. It's incredible. I love it, man. All right, Andy Band. Well, it was nice to meet you.

Thank you. Thank you, guys. Oh, yeah. Andy Band. There he goes. Andy Band. Full handshakes for this guy. I thought his eyes looked very normal to me.

I was doing, I did Bruce Willis' roast. Yeah. And Nikki Glaser went up and said, I was starting out like Margaret Chow. Chow, Margaret Chow. I said, why are you going to put Margaret down? I'll show you a fucking minute, you guys. You want to see a minute of stand-up?

You want to do a minute? They'll put you under the pressure, Kirk. They want it. Next time. I'm only at 30 seconds right now. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. I do believe this is one of the founding members of the Apollo 13. This is very exciting.

I don't think either one of them have gotten pulled out of the bucket since we started acknowledging them as the Apollo 13, so this is fun. Here we go. Make some noise for Jasmine Carter, everyone. Hell yeah. There she is.

Okay. So I used to be gay. Hold on, honey. Y'all not gonna laugh at me like I still look gay. This is my straightest outfit I got on. I was like, they gonna know I like boys in this. No, okay. So I used to be gay. It's hard being gay, you know, because you got to care about what's going on in the gay community. And I already got to care about black people and women's rights. And I'm just trying to scissor, not even trying. But when you gay, people got questions like, do y'all use a strap-on? Like, huh, no, we don't. But when you gay, people got questions like, do y'all use a strap-on?

Like, huh, no we don't. It'll be here three to five business days. Just give it a second. And this is my favorite one. Guys like to test you, like, I could change you back. You just ain't had the right guy to do you right. Like, yes I have. That's exactly why I'm here.

And he was white. And you know what they say, once you go white, you go gay. I don't make the rules. Okay, thank you. That's my time. Fuck yeah. Justin Carter. My heart is beating so fast. Of course. I mean, I've seen you.

You've been here pretty much every Monday for months. Yeah, since I moved here. Since July. Wow. You've been signing up every Monday since July and you finally just got up. How fucking cool is that? Really? I'm telling you, man. It's crazy.

This show's nuts. This bucket has a knack. I mean, fucking crazy ass Julian Aguilar has been up nine times probably since July. Yeah. So Jasmine, welcome, welcome. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Jasmine Carter looks like if Rick Moranis shrunk down Odell Beckham Jr. into a little girl.

I knew it was coming. People say that all the time. And in Cleveland, it's a baseball player. She looks like Wesley Snipes as Blade in the summertime. I knew you were into scissoring when I saw your haircut. It's not even like a scissor. You're just like a pancake or something. You just slap.

You're adorable, Jasmine. You're adorable. You're a sweet little thing. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Los Angeles? No, in Cleveland, and I traveled Chicago.

Is that where you're from, Cleveland? I'm from Cleveland, yeah. Oh, that's so cool. And you moved out here last July? Yep, 27, 18, sorry. Did you, have you, so you did it at like Hilarity's and things like that? Cleveland Improv, Hilarity's, Toledo's Improv, Chicago Laugh Factory, that Midwest circuit. Wow.

You had to bring up the one club she couldn't get on. Yeah. I could get in there. I was doing a bunch of shows at Hilarity's. I talked to them up the one club she couldn't get on. Yeah. I could get in there. I was doing a bunch of shows in there. I talked to them. They wouldn't let you in. A couple of times. Yeah. Wow. How are you surviving here

in Los Angeles? I was working but I'm not currently working right now. But my friend Mina has been helping me out. Heck yeah. Another Apollo 13 member. Yeah. So what was the job that you had before? I was doing some weed packaging things.

Weed packaging? Yeah, I did that for a little while. I was like, this is too illegal for me. So I got a regular job. You do know that it's actually all the way up until basically July of when you got a regular job. Actually, all the way up until basically July of when you got here last year, it was illegal, but now it is legal. Yeah, but I just didn't

feel right doing it. It was like, I didn't feel right. We was all in a warehouse that looked like it was abandoned and the sweatshop, it was hot. Oh, okay. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but whatever. You convinced me. You convinced me. It sounds shady as fuck it wasn't right at all

but yeah I was working at Islands in Port Arant when did you switch from not being a when did you switch to become when did you when did you realize that you were a lesbian and then when did you come back

I have seven questions in a row for you. What did you do from rat to fairy? This is my sophomore year into lesbianism. Oh, so you, wait, I heard the joke wrong. So you are a lesbian. I mean, that's aggressive. I don't want to identify, but yes. Oh, okay.

You don't want to identify. I don't want to identify. I don't march. It's all good. Yeah. That's all good. Yeah. That's all good. But you exclusively... No, I like boys, too.

I get, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, boys stuff, man. Do you have a certain kind of, like, girl that you like? Do you like Asian girls? I don't like studs. What are studs? Studs are this times 10.

Oh, so you're like lipstick lesbians or whatever. I guess. I don't really like lipstick, but yeah. Everybody likes lipstick lesbians. I'm like pretty girls. Everybody likes them. Who's that? I go for a big fat bulldog.

No, not me. I'm in a mood for a girl with a mustache. No. No. No. What's the first time you ever got hit on by a girl? I used to get hit on by girls all the time.

How about you went with her? When I went down with it like January 2017. February 2017 was my first time scissoring. Wow. How'd that go down? It was weird. I was like, I touched it. I was like, oh, no, what's that?

And I feel like mine. Right. And it was gross. And then I was like, I mean, I guess. Wow. It didn't feel the same. I've never really, I've never really, oh, this guy's agreeing with you on scissoring.

That's interesting. This guy probably with a very sore ball sack for some reason. Fuck yeah, dude. I'll fucking scissor you. Whatever it takes, dude. I'm a fucking lesbian too. Let's do this shit. I'll slot my junk.

All right. Man. Scissoring does seem like it would be very... Oh, wow. Those are actual scissors. For those of you wondering what that sound is, Joel went to the back and got a pair of scissors so that he could do a scissoring joke repeatedly

until we acknowledged it. I'll be at the Morongo next weekend. So you actually like scissoring for real, though? I mean, I've always heard that. It's not really a scissor. It's really not a scissor. It seems more like it's just... I just like for the other person to enjoy what's happening.

I feel absolutely nothing, but I'm a team player. Is there anything that you're willing to share with anything crazy that you've ever done that somebody's wanted you to do, like that you didn't really want to do? Sort of like working at the weed place, like you sort of felt wrong doing it, but you did it anyway. Sexually? Yeah. I think a couple of guys was trying to like ejaculate in my mouth, and I really wasn't with that. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell no. Yeah, I't with that. Oh hell no.

Yeah I was like oh hell no. Someone that doesn't want to identify as a lesbian but might be a lesbian. That's a big fucking no no right? Dude come in your mouth. I love that she said ejaculate like to keep it classy. You are a sweet thing Jasmine

thank you you do a lot of stand up comedy ever get to work with anyone fun or anything like that I've worked with a lot of fun people I've worked with a couple of legends I've worked with Tommy Davidson I've worked with Tommy Davidson

dang what's his name? God, I'm drawing a blank. I've opened for a lot of people. I am nervous. Oh, I love the other Apollo 13 member defending. Donnell Rollins. She's nervous. John Witherspoon, Donnell Rollins, John, what's his name?

Tommy Davidson and Jess Hilarious alright alright I gotcha I gotcha it's starting to trickle off a little bit I was just naming the most recent people you're the sweetest thing Jasmine

keep working keep killing it I'm so happy that you finally got pulled out of the bucket. Yeah. There she goes. Jasmine Carter, everybody. Is that two underscores? Two underscores before Jasmine? It's two underscores

Jasmine on Instagram. Two underscores. Jasmine. J-A-S-M-Y-N. Okay. We have a regular on this show. He wasn't able to make it to Phoenix because he could not get off his shift at the storage facility. I can't make it. I'm hurt real bad.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our new regular. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, so he doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. He has the hardest job, because every week he does a new minute. Make some noise for William Montgomery. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. So I was a pretty big amateur daredevil 10 years ago. Everything was going good until my skate got caught in a sewer grate.

Then it hurt my leg. I don't know if y'all have ever gone to a movie theater or a movie theater before and someone starts coughing real loud. Fucking get him out of there! I'm sick and tired of it! Just going to see the movie Twister with my aunt and somebody starts coughing real loud.

somebody starts coughing real loud. My apartment has this complex. Hey, do y'all have any more copies left of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? That's an impression of my aunt who got hit in the head really hard with a golf ball in 92. Fuck yeah.

William Montgomery. How are you? How was... Oh, are you going to start asking questions right now? I love it. William, can I ask why you look like an exterminator that just got jumped? Like, what's happening here? He's in a one-piece... What the fuck?

I bought this in Wyoming when I was working at a gas station up there. We got, honestly, this is a true story. I end up, yeah, this is a good song for it. I end up one night after working at the gas station going up to my dorm room, and I open up the door. It's 15 guys.

One guy has a camcorder and two dudes having sex with a girl. And I was horrified, yet I stayed. William, that suit makes you look like you think snowboarding means doing cocaine. Yeah, I'm snowboarding right now. It's bad. It hurts.

I'm not going to make it. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. It hurts. William, we invited you to Phoenix with us We had you all set up Wasn't able to Get out of I know I apologize

I literally on Sundays Only two people work at the self storage unit You had short notice Did your parents end up making it? They are coming next week They will be in town Yes it was next week I was mistaken last week.

It's this coming week. Are you fucking with me? No, they're really coming. Your actual parents are coming? What's their name? We have to find a night where we're all going to eat dinner. Larry and Francis. Francis. Do you think Francis will be upset that you look like a skydiving orangutan?

She would be horrified. There was a point in time in Memphis, I was going to this open mic maybe six or seven years ago, and I had this on and elbow pads and knee pads and she was like, what are you going to do tonight? And I was like, say something about how I've been writing this book

about a spider horse and how I got hurt and she started crying. Anything happen in your real life this past week that's interesting? It was my birthday. Oh, it was your birthday. Saturday night, turned 32. What did you do for your birthday?

I went over to the Portugal Demand people. I went over to the Portugal demand people. I went over to their mansion, did a whole bunch of Molly. Allegedly, William. I ended up missing my... This is how you never get invited to another Hollywood party. Go ahead. Ended up missing my job the next day. Wait, after all that, you ended up missing your Sunday shift?

I got fired the next day. No, you didn't. I didn't. Oh, okay. But is that true? You really hung out with Portugal the Man? It was fun. He got me a bottle of bullet bourbon and an ice cream cake.

That is so fucking cool. Wow. A lot of people don't know that Portugal the Man hangs out here at the Comedy Store an ice cream cake. That is so fucking cool. Wow. A lot of people don't know that Portugal the Man hangs out here at the Comedy Store like all the time. They're really cool guys

and great musicians too. I know they are nice. Well, that's awesome, dude. Well, happy fucking birthday. Well, thank you. Is the zipper broken on that? What happens if you try to zip that?

I can't get it over my gut. Is that true? I mean, is it really? Does it go lower? Can we see your dick root? Can you suck it in? This part of Kill Tony brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Hey, Chroma Chris.

All right, William. Well, I mean, you're just adorable. We fucking love you. It's just incredible what you're doing here. I think we're a perfect fit for each other. Thank you so much for being you. Thank you. William Montgomery.

Let's get back to the bucket. That was your... I didn't even... That was your first... Tony, I have breaking news. Uh-oh. Yes, go ahead. This is important. All right. I just want. Yes, go ahead. This is important.

All right. I just want to give a... Guys, this is big. Okay, something in my gut instinct is telling me that it's not, but go ahead. No, no, it is. Okay. Guys, you're looking at the newest addition to the artist roster of Ludwig Drums. Wait, you?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I want to give a shout-out to... Yeah, I want to give a shout-out to Bob Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I want to give a shout out to Bob Henry. Wow. I'm joining Ludwig Drums, home of John Bonham and Ringo Starr. Baby, this is for real. Wow, that is incredible. That is incredible.

Thank you so much. You know what's funny? I mean, that is, first of all, amazing. Joel has a brand new sponsorship. But I'm actually glad you did that because you made me realize that I forgot to announce that we actually have a special announcement. I fucking blew right by it without saying it.

The March 21st first-ever Kill Tony in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, which has been requested for a long time, has sold out. So we're adding another show. So those tickets just went on sale immediately for a second show that night, Thursday night, Philly Helium. So your special announcement reminded me of my special announcement. Shout out to Bob Henry and everyone at Ludwig. Thank you so much.

Ludwig fucking drums. How about that? That is unbelievable. The new artist roster. It really was breaking news. That's the first time you've ever done anything serious in the show's history. I'm like, alright, give us this

breaking news. It was really breaking news. I also have breaking news, Tony. Oh yeah? Yeah, I just joined the roster at Chuck E. Cheese. Thank you very much. So much fun. Back to the bucket. What do you guys think? Should we do this shit? Alright. Sure.

Let's go. Oh, you want to pick one? You pick one. You do it. Dom's got his hand in the bucket. Not this one. What do you want me to say it? Ooh, that's definitely a new name. I've never said this first name in my life.

Osiris Henry. Osiris Henry. Can you put it back in there? Osiris. Whoa. Osiris Henry. Put your hands together for us. Thank you.

Appreciate that, guys. All right. So I just quit my job, and it was a real bummer because I didn't even get to enjoy my MLK Day off. I had to look for work. But I feel like, you know, I can't really complain too much because everyone's got to work these days for MLK Day. You know, the employer's really out here breaking our backs,

working us to the bone, you know. It gives really out here breaking our backs, working us to the bone, you know. It gives a lot of people insomnia, myself included. That's why I do comedy, is to get rid of these voices in my head. But like, think about it, right? What if MLK was trying to do his thing right now. And he had insomnia. He might have never had that dream. That would have been fucked up. But think about it, right? So when they were making it a holiday, they had to put it up to a vote. And John McCain, the first dude to run against

the first African American president, voted against that. Who do you think that was more awkward for? Wow. Your comedy matched what you look like. It's incredible. That was absolutely dreadful. That was absolutely dreadful. Hey.

Wow. Oh, that is gross. I'm a rat. That was disgusting. For those of you listening to the show, Cyrus is a tall white man with a, how would I describe that beard? A trailer park beard and dreadlocks that seem to be of the

albino nature. He looks like a deleted character from Mortal Kombat. Osiris, what's going on with you, man? What are you? You a white guy? I am white.

You've been on the show before, right? I have been on the show before. I remember that. It was like one of your big... He said he was running away from the cops, and I said, is it hard to run from the law in flip-flops? Oh, that's right.

Last time you were on the show, you were on the run from the police. Yeah, I can't even remember that far back. Did they catch you? Actually, funny story. Oh, now you have a funny story. I can't actually. I can talk about it now.

Oh, you can talk about it now. Because last time you couldn't talk about it. Right. It was an open case. And so it's closed now. We figured it out. It wasn't me. It was a guy kind of who looked like me.

It was a black man. And he was black, right? He was an albino black dude. And what happened was I guess he stole this golf cart and drove it into the pool of this hotel. And I just happened to work right by there, so that's why they got us confused. And then as he was running from the cops, he kind of went up this abandoned hotel thing and was up on the top floor. And they were trying to get him, and so he had to like rappel down the, whatever those balcony things are. That's what it's called, Lanai.

That's the one. And so he got away, which is crazy, but they thought it was me. So you got, they thought that you were a black albino man? That's right. Isn't that what you've always dreamed of? You know, I blushed a little bit. So it wasn't you in the end.

Dreams come true, guys. Wow. When you did that move, when you pulled the heart out of your chest and ate it, did anybody notice that? Who were you thinking about? Just the process of me being in Hollywood and becoming a comedian. How long have you been in Hollywood? Hollywood, two years.

Well, hold up. Let me do math. We'll be here forever. Just give us a ballpark there, buddy. It's like close to three. Close to three years. You're originally from? No, nowhere.

What season of Dog the Bounty Hunter are you from? No. What do you mean nowhere? The last season. No, no, no. Answer the real question. Okay. You got this. Right. I'm really not from anywhere. I've moved around a lot, but I moved here from Hawaii.

That's where I've lived the longest. Right. Yeah. How long were you in Hawaii? Seven years. Seven years in Hawaii. What did you do in Hawaii? I was working on the beach trying to find the... I lived that life. Uh-huh. Yeah.

You're awesome. Okay. What did you do for a living on the beach? Remind us. I did – I, like, rented surfboards and did lessons and, like, mostly – Told people where they could get the best poke? What? I told people where they could get the best poke.

Wow. Someone just lost their drum sponsorship just then. Did you hear that? We just got breaking news. Oh, this just in. I still got it, you idiots. Suck my dick. Wow.

So, Osiris, now that you're in Los Angeles and there's no beaches for you to rent stuff out at, what do you do? So, I was working at a school, and I can't talk about that because now I'm going into court again. The kid had it coming, huh? I can't talk about it, all right? What are you talking about you can't talk about it? I can't. Like, it's an open investigation, and I'm not trying to. This albino black guy was teaching kids?

All right. I don't think they teach at that school, but. What do you mean you can't talk about it? That wasn't a joke. I can't talk about it. Like, that's just how laws work. Something happened when you were teaching at school and now

there's an ongoing investigation. Correct. Did you get into a fight with a kid? Well, I didn't start it though. I thought you couldn't talk about it. It wasn't me. He presses so hard. It wasn't me.

Sometimes you got to hit a kid. You got to hit a kid. It is. Sometimes you got to hit a kid if they look at you wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lime in the coconut. Yeah, man. Yeah, baby.

So, Osiris, I've noticed that a lot of the things... Hey, Boozhoo's out. I smoke weed for the breakfast and for the dinner and for the lunch and I have a pet snake. Do you have a pet snake? Good memory.

Not anymore. I had to get rid of Tony. I do remember that. You did have a pet snake. Good memory. Not anymore. I had to get rid of Tony. I do remember that. You did have a pet snake. That's how laws work. That's how laws work. He's not lying. California's really serious about that shit.

I slap a kid with my snake. Slap a kid with my snake. Wow. So, Osiris, you did have a pet snake. I play hacky sack professionally. Yes, I do. Yes, Osiris, you did have a pet snake. I play hockey sack professionally. Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. So, Osiris, you had to get rid of your pet snake. I go to black women to get my hair done, and it's the best thing. It's the best out of my life. Osiris, listen to me. Oh, I'm sorry. Focus on me. He's bringing me bad news. Why do you have to get rid of your pet snake?

Oh, yeah. So, well, because the place I... You know this is my favorite dessert. I like to put them on my fingers and act like they're claws. There you go. Again, for those of you that love watching shows get burnt down, make sure you watch Jeremiah Wonders where that doesn't happen he follows his own formula

no one's there to burn things down thank you for the plug in the middle of the show I know yeah I did it at the top of the show too because I'm such a nice guy I think we're getting a caller it's another fan it is okay very good very good Jeremiah

very good what are we gonna do push it more every single fucking episode? I love it. Okie dokie. Ha ha ha ha. All right. Perfect. Fucking great.

This is literally the best I've done all night. Give me this, please. It's really not. It's just... It's just... Oh, God. Oh, my God. You gotta take it when you see it, and you got it when you have it.

Oh, my God. It's been a really long time now you've been doing this. There we go. Now you woke this guy up over here. There we go. Very good. Can we continue with the fucking guest? I mean, no, I mean, we can.

If you're going to fucking do it again, just do it, man. Hey, you know he got the sponsorship. I can't keep asking him the same question. He's trying to get his money, too, dude. You shut the fuck up. Oh, you're right to fucking do it again, just do it, man. Hey, you know he got the sponsorship. I can't keep asking him the same question. He's trying to get his money too, dude. You shut the fuck up. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. Jesus fucking Christ. Osiris, why the fuck did you have to get rid of your pet snake?

My roommate's dog, Thunder, is like... She apparently loves him and wanted him... His roommate's dog, Thunder, doesn't even matter what I say. When you got a dog and you got a snake, sometimes you got to choose or it's a big mistake. Oh, my God. So what did Thunder do? What did the dog Thunder do?

Well, no, I mean, they just weren't playing well together, so I had to get rid of them. I can't talk about it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. I can't play with a snake. Stop.

stop what do you mean the snake and the dog didn't play well together it's just apparently one of those things where if it's a small dog and it barks and moves a lot the snake is gonna try and eat it wasn't the snake in a fucking

tank or anything where'd you keep the where'd you keep the snake is going to try and eat it. Wasn't the snake in a fucking tank or anything? Where'd you keep the snake? You had a loose snake? I had a rope that I tried to tie it up. A rope? Like a leash? You got a rope on the snake and it actually doesn't work.

Oh my god, I think my ass is running through the ground. Oh my god, no, no, no, no Rope snake! Never mind the walls of both hearts Alright, alright, alright. Let's keep this fucking interview moving along. Because I'm just getting started with you.

So did you really have a rope on a snake? Or are you actually being funny for the first time in 12 minutes? I promise you. Look, okay, so Vegan's Dilemma, right? Wait, wait, wait. Vegans Dilemma?

Is that what you just said? Vegans Dilemma? Vegans Dilemma. Vegan? You're a vegan? I am a vegan, guys. You're a vegan. I'm just going to check all the stereotypes of the white dude with the dreads. Right.

It's also the name of your reggae band, right? Check this out. Vegans Dilemma. Vegans. It's also the name of your reggae band, right? Check this out. Vegan's Dilemma. Vegan's. When you have a rope on a snake, doesn't it just go through the hole? Well, that was most of the problem. It seems like something out of a fucking Tom and Jerry cartoon or something like that. I don't eat meat, but I fed my snake a dog.

So Vegan's Dilemma, but I fed my snake a dog. So vegan's dilemma, you have the snake and the dog. You have the snake on a rope just slithering around the fucking apartment. It's like, oh my god, you have two snakes? No, that's just my snake and the rope that it drags alongside of it all the time. Snake on a rope is my side

project. Snake on a rope. Gotta divers project. Snake on a rope. Gotta diversify your bones. What would you tie the rope to something? Yeah, like, I mean, a chair. Huh? What would you tie the rope, the other end, I know you're gonna say the snake

if I don't finish the whole question. What would you tie the other end of the rope to that wasn't attached to the snake? To a chair or like... I just picture one of those roller chairs with like eight wheels on it. Chairs moving

through the living room. Hey, Osiris, I think I saw a ghost in your apartment the other night. There was a rolling chair just moving by itself. No, that's just my chair snake, man. Chair snake. Tony looking for food. That's all that is. That's what I tried to tell him.

So you had the snake attached to a chair. Your roommate has a dog. What kind of dog was it? You know, I don't even really know those small dogs. It was a dead dog. Wow. What was your snake's name? Tony.

What? Your snake's name was Tony? Yeah. A.K.A. White Privilege. Well, actually after Tony Montana, so I don't even, I don't know if, he's Cuban, but I don't. All right. So did the snake eat the dog or your roommate made you get rid of the snake? The roommate made me get rid of the snake? The roommate made me get rid of the snake

because she was there first. Right. Wait, she? So this lady, you have a female roommate? Yeah, I have all my roommates. I got, what, let me, I got to do math again. Four female roommates and then one dude roommate. It's a crowded house.

But it's not as crowded as the last place I just moved out of. How did you get rid of the snake? Did you just open the window and throw it out? A Craigslist. Actually, the same day, sold them pretty easily. Apparently, people like snakes. How much did you sell your snake for? 50 bucks.

I thought that was a pretty good deal. Do you remember specifically that day what you did with the 50 bucks that you got from selling your snake? Yeah, funny story. I actually just... a pretty good deal. Do you remember specifically that day what you did with the 50 bucks that you got from selling your snake? Yeah. Funny story. I actually just. Ooh, now I'm excited. Because last time you said funny story, you told me that your roommate had a dog and that you had a snake and that you'd tie it to chairs and shit.

So I can't wait to hear your next funny story. I believe you now. I used it to get this like little, it's not a kayak and it's not like a surfboard. This is what you spent the $50. Yeah. So you spent your snake money on? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. It's a little water, and it's not like a surfboard. This is what you spent the $50. Yeah. So you spent your snake money on? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

A little kayak? It's a little water vessel. Go ahead. Wait, what? It's like a water vessel that you sit like this, and then you go like this, and it looks like a surfboard, but it's like a wakeboard and a surfboard. I don't even know what you call it. It looks like something you created with your mind is what it looks like.

It sounds like patent pending. I use my snake money to buy a white trash boat. So you take it out on the ocean and you just sort of like kayak with it? Yeah. You just sort of kneel down? I'm actually trying to get into piracy right now. So I need to get. Software piracy?

I don't know too much about that. You're trying to become a pirate. But if you want to talk afterwards. Yeah. So because like, you know, it don't know too much about that. You're trying to become a pirate. But if you want to talk afterwards. Yeah. So because like, you know, it's a tough job market right now. And there are a lot of boats down in like Long Beach. So I figure if I get a ladder, it might not be that funny. Wow.

All right. Well, Osiris, I mean, what can I say? Other than, you know, there needs to be a lot. Acid's a great thing. Acid is a great thing? Is that what you said? Well, I was just saying if you're looking for things to say, that could be one. Man.

All right. It's a wild episode tonight of this show. Do you tweet a lot? Do you have a Twitter? Yeah. It's at Osiris Henry. Slash rope snake. Say that again? At Osiris Henry slash rope snake. Say that again?

At Osiris Henry. At Osiris Henry. Oh, okay. At Osiris Henry. Look me up. I'm pretty funny. I just started. It's a new page.

Yeah. You just started. It's a new page. I got four posts. Oh, okay. It's the one with like the ultimate warrior is your avatar? Or is that you? That's a Snapchat filter.

Oh, of you. Yeah. Is this actually Bob Marley playing soccer? Is the one with the ultimate warrior your avatar? Or is that you? That's a Snapchat filter. Oh, of you. Is actually Bob Marley playing soccer? So you only have one post. You only have one tweet from January 23rd. Is that correct? Oh, is that? Well, it's Osiris Henry across all things.

Yeah, that's just my first. I just made it. So you only have one tweet. Yes is the answer? I told you I'm not good with math, dude. Stop sweating me, man. Anyway, I'm sorry. I snapped. I apologize.

Look, I'm sorry. It's not math. Yes, it's one tweet. I'm new to this, man. That's not even math. It's one tweet. I got one tweet. Take one dog for roommates.

It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. So whenever people ask me why I'm so happy, I tell them it's because I'm lazy. Aphrodite, I'm mad at you for laughing at that. That's what I call a white fortune cookie, man. Osiris, what do you think the whitest thing about you is? Ooh, I mean, I'm pretty white. I'm trying to think what would... You said the least whitest thing about you is? I mean, I'm pretty white. I'm trying to think what would... You said the least whitest

thing about me? Really, you can just say whatever you want. Do you have Asperger's? Whatever you have an answer to. Okay, here's the whitest thing about me. Okay, so I got a lot of time on my hands, so I'm going on YouTube, getting lost in the rabbit hole. And I was watching a lot of carnivorous

plants last night. It's kind of some deep shit. It's scary. and I was watching a lot of carnivorous plants last night. It's kind of some deep shit. It's scary. What did you learn? There's plants eating shit. It's a dog-eat-dog world out here now, man. But I kind of want to grow one now that I don't have a snake.

Were you watching Little Shop of Horrors? No, it's like there's this one from california it's called like a wasp thing and it like flying yeah yeah you've seen it and then you go in it and then the fly doesn't come out venus fly trap well no this is different there's a california wasp thing that hangs like this but a venus fly trap is pretty cool too i'm actually mad because these plants are eating meat and i'm a vegan. All right. It makes you think. Osiris, you know, you are quite the character.

Please sign up again. This is the longest I think we've ever spent on an interview with anybody ever. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you. What do you think? What do you think about this guy? Did you have fun, Don Mayrera? How about a hand for Don Mayrera, ladies

and gentlemen? Come on. Look at that drawing. He did it again. Look at that. That's you. That's me. That's fucking Joel Berg. Osiris Henry's on Twitter at Osiris Henry. We did it again. How about a hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

Jeremiah is again in Kansas City March 14th to the 16th. That's his hometown. So if you live anywhere near there, make the drive. Get tickets at jeremiahwatkins.com. And make sure you check out Jeremiah Wonders. You have Ryan Sickler on today's episode, correct? Yes, Ryan Sickler. A lot of fun.

Love that show. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp, please. Yes, he's on social media at JeremiahStandUp. Hey, how about Chroma Chris was here tonight, huh? Chroma, Chroma. Yes, Tony. Chroma, what did you think of tonight's episode? It was radical, Tony.

How about a hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? We did it. Joel Berg is here. Thank you to Phoenix for coming out. Also, thank you to Bob Henry, everybody at Ludwig Drums. If you're looking for a kid, go check them out. I am so excited about that. If you want to learn how to play, if I was starting stand-up right now, one thing that I would do is

I would learn how to fucking rock the drums and when Kill Tony came to my town, I'd fucking try to get out of the buck and try to take the throne. Eat my ass, you losers. That's right. Joel defended his throne in Phoenix against a drum player. I mean, just out of control.

You have to watch the video. If you're not watching all these episodes on YouTube, you're fucking missing out big time. Go to killtony.tv for the full episode guide with all the characters and everything. Yeah, it shows you if you're looking to see what characters were on each episode. It has it all labeled and well organized for you. Chroma, was there something else you wanted to say? Yeah, I was just going to give a shout out to Ben Lambden of Lambden Guitars. Check out lambdenguitars.com

if you would like a custom guitar. And then we got Menchie Music with the sax sponsorship. All these guys got new instruments since becoming the Kill Tony band. How fucking cool is that? You guys don't give a fuck. Give Tony a hand, everybody. These people don't even care.

I'm doing stand-up in Calgary, Canada by the way, February 7th to the 9th with Jeremiah Watkins featuring and stand-up in London, February 18th to the 23rd at the Soho Theatre. And then of course, we're doing stand-up the weekend after the Philly Helium

Kill Tonys and you know, go rate, subscribe, have viewing parties of this show, tell your friends about this show, you know, explain to your boss why you're late on Tuesday morning that you were on the East Coast laughing at Kill Tony dot TV

or Kill Tony's live YouTube stream. You know what? Let's do something else fun real quick. Let's get Josh Martin up here real quick, ladies and gentlemen. Josh Martin is here. This guy has helped us with every single inch of this show since its inception.

Since absolutely episode one, and this is his last night helping us produce the show. Josh, come up here. Come up here. Come to the middle. Come to the middle. Get him, guys. Take this fucking kid. Josh Martin has set everything up. He's a hero on

the show. We love him. Make sure you follow him on everything. Go see him live every single time he performs near your town. He's truly an un-fucking-believable comedian. I couldn't be more proud of working with this guy forever. He's a goddamn monster. He's starting his own show,

which is going to be a big live comedy show here at the Comedy Store. I'm on the first episode. Yeah, when is that again? I think it's next Sunday. It's like Cards Against Humanity. Help us out, Josh. Plug it. February 10th, live in the Belly Room at what time?

At 10.30. So 2.10 at 10.30. Be here at the Comedy Store. If you're a Kill Tony fan, why not support our boy Josh Martin and get his show kick-started with some momentum? We absolutely love him, and I'm fucking serious. I don't go around saying that people are great stand-up comedians.

Josh is a guy that I don't know if I've watched anybody grow in five or six years like I exactly watched Josh Martin do it. And so he's a fucking monster. You're going to see his work for the rest of your life so you might as well be in on it before everybody else. So make sure you see him

everywhere. Follow Josh Martin, subscribe, get a t-shirt, why not? Once again, Dom Irera is in Vegas February 4th through the 7th, and New Jersey February 23rd and 24th. DomIrera.com for tickets to that, right? And then JeremiahWatkins.com for tickets for him.

And that's it. See you guys. Big San Francisco announcement coming soon, San Fran. Probably our city where we get the most love. We have a special gift coming soon. To this live audience, thank you so much. Good night. See you soon.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.おやすみなさいいつまたあの場所で 待ち合わせしようか

You're a lonely rockstar 立ち止まらないでね me me me me me Thank you.