KILL TONY - KILL TONY #323

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Dane Cook, William Montgomery, David Deery, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/04/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode available to download, and you also have video portions to this show.

Click on Tour Dates to come see us live. Not only do we do a comedy story every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are on the road. February 14th will be in Ireland. February 15th will be in Manchester. February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Manchester. February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Philadelphia.

Now check all these different venues because we also are doing a lot of comedy shows here too, so your mileage may vary. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website. RyanJEbelt.com. He

draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And website, ryanjebelt.com. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And that's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have some Kill Tony shirts left, but they're going fast. And we got some Death Squad shirts, mugs, and hats. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody. We're here on a Monday. Make some noise. Brian Redband

is here. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here. He's already started drawing tonight's episode. The new Kill Tony posters at ryanjebelt.com. You guys excited for a great fucking night tonight or what? You're here at the already started drawing tonight's episode. The new Kill Tony posters at ryanjebelt.com. You guys excited for a great fucking night tonight or what? You're here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Hello to the thousands and thousands watching live on YouTube right now.

And we're coming at you. I'm doing stand-up comedy in Calgary this weekend with Jeremiah Watkins featuring. And then, of course, we're going to Europe. We have sold-out shows in Dublin, Manchester, and London. But I do believe we just released a few of the comp tickets for London, so for those of you that thought it was sold out, go jump on right now and finish it off. Then I do six nights at the Soho Theater. Still some tickets available for that on the Monday, Tuesday,

and Wednesday shows there in London, England. I have six fucking nights of stand-up comedy there. And then, yeah. And then, oh, yeah, heads up. There's no show here that week, the February 18th. Next. Not next week. There's a show next week.

But the week after that, there's no show. And then two weeks after that, March 1st, no show. I'm going to be in Mexico. Mexico. Yeah, down in Mexico. And then March 21st, we just added another show to Helium because we sold out the first one. So Kill Tony Live in Philly, March 21st, with a weekend of stand-up comedy, 22nd, 23rd. And then here's a new one, Bellevue, Washington.

I'm doing stand-up May 31st and June 1st with Jeremiah Watkins backing me up. Takes a lot of goddamn energy to do all these shows so I'm thankful for our friends over at Caveman Coffee. The delicious Nitro Coffee is my favorite. I keep it icy cold and it's amazing. It's amazing what it does. And you can go to

cavemancoffee.com right now and save 15% by using the promo code KILLTONY. So drink some coffee, stay up late, and have fun with us. And also, Rockin' Pins just debuted a new Tony Hinchcliffe pin. I saw that. That's kind of cool. Yeah, those guys are amazing over there.

Mauricio is the man. Go check out all of his designs. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter, Rockin' Pins. He makes Joey Diaz, Theo Vaughn, Chris D'Elia. King of the Hill. King of the Hill. He makes Metallica, Pink Floyd. I mean, literally all the coolest pins this guy makes.

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We are live. Guys, when I say I'm excited about this show here tonight, I fucking mean it. You know this comedian. This is his first time ever being a excited about this show here tonight, I fucking mean it. You know this comedian. This is his first time ever being a guest on this show. His 2019 Tell It Like It Is tour is about to kick off. You know him from his specials Harmful of Swallowed, Retaliation,

Vicious Circle, Rough Around the Edges, Live from Madison Square Garden, an isolated incident. When I saw this guy for the first time, I had just dropped out of college. I went back up in a depressed state to Youngstown, Ohio. I was hanging out with a bunch of my old friends from high school and some new friends from college, and we were all getting stoned. And these guys were cracking up in the living room, watching Vicious Circle,

and I literally had an epiphany, a moment, sitting in the back of that living room realizing this guy is in a theater in the round. He's in full control of an entire arena surrounding him, killing. I want to do this. And that is right then and there when I decided that I was going to be a stand-up comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Dane Cook. Hell yeah. Here he is. It's the real fucking deal.

Dane Cook is joining us for the first time ever. This is crazy. I'm very fucking excited to be here. You guys ready? I want to say thank you and I want to let you guys know I'm feeling great. I'm in the best shape of my entire week. I'm super pumped about this. This is exciting that people get pulled out of a bucket and can talk to you and get some feedback from you.

Because in a weird, crazy way, this whole thing exists because of you. In a weird, crazy way, this whole thing exists because of you. I was so insanely amazed and jealous that you were making all my friends laugh while they were staring at a TV. Are you saying you're going to write me a check tonight? Is that what's going to happen? Hello, Infinite CBD coming right at you. As many tubes as you want. They give you gummies. They calm you down.

Anything you want from Infinite CBD or Caveman Coffee, for that matter. Actually, really, we only have Nitro cold brew coffee. So if they make you anxious, use some of the Infinite CBD. If that mellows you out too much, have another sip of the coffee. We have never-ending cans. And so I'm excited about this. So let's jump right into it, Dane. We have a band on this show.

Yes, we do. They're very goofy. They're wild. I never know what characters they're going to be. Every week they commit to be every week. They commit to staying in character. Last week, they were gym rats. So it was...

Wallabairs. Yes, they were guys that go to the gym a lot that had mice ears on. And I never know what they're going to be. Sometimes it's construction workers, newscasters.

Let's see what they are tonight. They're going to be with us the whole show. They're the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for them. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris.

Here we go. Here we go. Oh! Oh! Wow! All right. It appears as though they are reggae. Whoa, that's pretty good.

Uh-oh, he's playing. They are playing hacky sack right now. Jeremiah is shockingly good at this. Wow. So you guys are, I'm guessing you guys are. Rope on a snake! Hey, Tony, doesn't that guy have a snake that he ties to a tree? Oh, wow.

Hello. We remember you. You were the last comedian pulled out of the bucket last week. Osiris is back. Osiris from the island. Wow. That is crazy. Hey, there he is over there

too. This is unbelievable. Osiris, you instantly became a star. I love this. Look at this Kill Tony character eclipse with Aphrodite blocking him right in front of me. This is a blood moon tonight.

Wow, look at this band. We have Osiris from last week in his underwear for some reason. We have what appears to be what would have happened if Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson made a baby after all. And then back here we have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez

with longer hair. That's a con. That is a fair assumption. Okay, I'm excited about this. You guys are reggae as fuck. My name's Skeeter. Bra, bra. All right, Skeeter,

I'm gonna write that down right now so that I don't forget. That seems to be a running thing. I forget your name sometimes, and then you correct me forever. Oh, shit. He's so high, he forgot his saxophone.

That's his main thing in the band is, oh, here it comes. That's a bong, dude. Make some noise for David Deary, the new producer of Kill Tony. You might be wondering, hey, look, it's Josh Martin, but it's not Josh Martin. We got a replacement Josh that looks exactly like him.

Just so that we never get confused. Better speaker, that guy. So here we are. Everything is in place. And here the final piece of the puzzle is the bucket of destiny, ladies and gentlemen. It is for real. This thing is fucking jam

packed with names. Do we have people in a holding tank too? Or were we able to get them all in here? I mean, absolutely. Perhaps a record-setting sign-up for us. It was a ton of fucking names. At least 100 people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If you don't get picked, oh, well, you had fun

and maybe you learned a new thing that'll help you in life. But if you do get picked, you get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is.

There it is. Indeed. There you go. Good enough. You guys ready to start this thing? We are live. Alright. And here we go. It goes like this. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It could be anybody. It could be somebody's

first time ever. It could be a veteran who's only killed on stage every time and then he has a bad set. Maybe he has a great set. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Mark Quinn. Here we go. Mark Quinn.

Wow. Mark Quinn. What's up, Comedy Store? I am a retired police officer, also a veteran. And before I tell you my story, I have to get in proper uniform. The uniform hat. Oink, oink, bitches. No, I should take this off.

I actually offended a guy last show. He stood up, stormed out the door, and we heard his ass wee, wee, wee all the way home. Now, I don't know if you guys know, California, you guys got a major drug problem, and it's happening at these trendy coffee places like Dutch Bros, Javista down the street, items like White Rocket. Guys, that's cocaine. Another one called blue ice. That's meth. You got a breaking bad situation going on. Another one called black tar heroin. Sir, that's black tar heroin. Another one called jelly donut. Well, that's how they got my police ass in there. Now I'm the lead barista at Chavista. Thank you.

Wow. Mark Quinn. Mark Quinn, former cop, huh? Yeah, my stage name is Jim Perry, the cop comic. Wow. Where the fuck the police come in? That's going to be great on a marquee. I shouldn't have used my real name. Former cop, current hack.

Oh, come on. He's still upset because I arrested him for jerking off in a park two years ago. Don't be mad at me. Get registered. Get registered. What's the code for officer down? Dane said, what's the code for officer down Dane said what's the code for officer down Yeah Mark

That was a We'll call that set a donut Because you fucking ate it here tonight How long Hey Chroma Chris I feel like Bob Marley should have also shot the deputy. Chroma Chris! Silent but deadly.

This fucking guy bats a thousand on this show. It's unbelievable. Chroma Chris didn't say anything his first few months on this show. That was, uh, that was tough to watch, but I think we're going to let you off on a warning. Bruh! That's it! Chroma Chris! That was tough to watch, but I think we're going to let you off on a warning. Thank you. Big fan, man. So, Mark, let's

get into it. If your name's Mark Quinn, why would your stage name be Jim Perry, the cop comic? What kind of dishonorable discharge did you have to where you're like, I'm going to change my name to a more plain white guy name? No, I do still do consulting professional work, and I have to have a stage name for what I do.

So you used to be a cop. You used to be a consultant. You're not good at stand-up. So what made you want to – how long were you a cop for? Almost 10 years, and I got injured on the job. What happened? I volunteered to be tased, which was the first mistake. Yeah.

My shoulder's all jacked up. But the funniest part of that day was not me getting tased. It was the guy after me who got tased, and he got shit all over the floor. Yeah, and like a Taco Bell shit. Like, it was bad. I mean, he shit on the floor today. When you got tased, had you just done that routine?

Wait a second. So did they have to pay you for that? They tased you and you're just like, oh, I'm super hurt. Guess I have to not work and get paid now. Yeah, they make you get tased and pepper sprayed. Pour some ice on the ground. The joke was always like, are you going to make us get shot by our guns too?

But no, of course not. No, that wasn't the joke. They may have said it like it was a joke, but that wasn't the joke. So how long have you been doing stand-up now for? I've been doing open mics for a while. I've been taking it seriously the last year. Things actually have been going really good. I guess not tonight.

Is your home club Flappers? Flappers reference for you guys. Ironically, I just got booked there. So, yeah. No, we know. We know. When you got booked, were they like, welcome? No, I raised a lot of money for charity, which I'm proud about.

And not to bring the show down, but I had a buddy get shot and killed a couple years ago. You already did that. And I raised. You had a buddy get shot and killed from what, a taser? No, he got shot on duty, and we raised a lot of money for his foundation. I know, I know. That part's just sad. No, but things have been turning.

I wrote a screenplay that got some good coverage and I'm excited about. Hold on. The sound of comedians dying about you, the fact that you wrote a screenplay has gotten my attention. It's the evil laughs that come from over there. It's unbelievable.

Screenplay! And then... You gotta open with that next time. Yeah. You gotta say, I used to be a cop, now I'm a comedian, just wrote a screenplay.

There you go. Also doing a YouTube thing, but Jim Perry, the cop comic. It's getting good. It's doing well. I love it, man. I didn't do well tonight, I guess. I'm sorry, guys.

I love it. No, it's okay. It's all right. I'll go get a donut. I guess. I'm sorry, guys. I love it. No, it's okay. It's all right. I'll go get a donut. Mark, there's no apologizing here on Kiltown. I'm a big fan, though, man. What you do for comedians, though, in all reality is awesome. Thank you for what you do.

Well, what you do for police officers is embarrassing. So, I mean, I'm glad that we can. You got tased and fucked up your shoulder man i don't even understand how that happens give him the chair i think i think i think the one thing to do you listen to your sets i mean like do you play it back and i'm sorry if you do but i the big thing is that you how you present your jokes is very unnatural. It's very 80s comics. They used to do that kind of shit, like our cruise ship comics is what they call them. Maybe try your material next time just more like yourself.

Were you ever funny while being a police officer? Did you ever have, you know, fucking literally a captive audience, you know what I mean, just in the back of your car like, hey, why did I cross the road? Because you were breaking the law, huh? Something like that. You ever do anything funny while you were being a cop? Yeah, I mean, I've done some stuff that was funny. Yeah, like what?

Hey, you know how fast you were going? Me neither. Get out of here, buddy. More witness stuff that was funny that's a lot of part of my material and stuff like what uh i had a guy one time that um he faked a seizure when i pulled him over for speeding yeah and uh that's what you do when you have shrooms on you yeah yeah so he literally when i pulled him over he said he was diabetic and then when i looked i was writing the ticket i look up

and he's actually faking a seizure as he's's there, he's stopping, picking up his head, looking to make sure traffic is clear, and then goes back to seizure and he gets out of the ticket. I still wrote him a ticket. That's called a legal search and seizure. Hey, Joel Berg's in the house. Look out. I gave him a little seizures pizza coupon and a ticket.

Wow, there it is. There's another example of a... You know what? You know what? Just for that one, we're going to... Who wants to see him get tased here tonight, huh? Does anybody have a taser gun? All right, Mark, we're going to let you off easy this time.

Thank you, sir. We are? Anything else? Yeah, that was easy, Dane. Yeah, you guys are wrong. Really? There's already a 911 call of him dying. So, yeah, but you got the show started tonight,

and I'm glad you got pulled out of the bucket. Congratulations, dude. There he goes. Mark Quinn, everybody. Mark loves football, 273. Hell yeah. He got to grab his pig ears. I forgot about the pig ears.

Nothing sadder than having to grab your pig ears before heading back to your seat. There he goes. He's leaving. He's not even going back to his seat that he was sitting in. Wow. He's going all the way to the trough. Come on, one more time for Mark Quinn, everybody. Not easy to open a show.

No, it's not. That was the hard spot. Not easy to open a show, especially with his jokes. Not easy. All right. You guys get it now, right? You having fun? Anything can happen.

Next week, it might be you signing up. Who knows? Make some noise for Ryan Oganoff. Oganog? Ryan Oganig? Oganoff? It's horrible handwriting. No Ryan? Where is this guy?

Is that him? Ryan? Nope. No movement. What? Oganoff. Ogan guy? Is that him? Ryan? Nope. No movement. What? Oganoff. Oganoff? Oganog? If his name's Ryan, that'll probably be enough. Ryan Oganoff, please report to the front desk. Nope.

Really? Wow, from deep. All right. Here he comes. All right. Here he comes. All the way, buddy. Come on up. Oh, yeah. We know this guy. Make some noise for Ryan O'Connor. Come on up.

You black guys are so lucky. You black guys are so lucky. I would have my ancestors go through slavery just to have one of those penises. White guys ask you to fuck their wives. I've seen the movies. You've seen the movies. You've seen the movies. I'm Irish, okay? Irish people don't have big penises.

You Irish guys know what I'm talking about. My mother would be very proud of me right now. Very proud. Ma, this one's for you. Okay, thank you, guys. Wow, all right. Here we go. Ryan, I don't know what the problem is.

You seem like a giant dick to me. I love the way... I will give you credit. I love the way you react to all this. You remind me of if Tom Hanks got hit in the head with an aluminum bat or something like that. You just seem like you're having the time of your life up there. Look at you. White guy, white guy.

You want to be black. He in a Cosby sweater. That is whack. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. Oh, shit. Ryan, why are you dressed like you're standing behind a barrel fire?

Like, what is happening here? Hey, L.A.'s a dangerous place. L.A.'s a dangerous place. This is my camouflage. This is my camouflage. Are you insane? Are you hiding from Bill Cosby's sweater? What is that?

Camouflage from what? Other librarians. All right. Well, Ryan, let's talk about it. What do you think about what he came out here with? Guns a-blaze and black penis.

I mean, did something just happen to you recently? Did you lose a girlfriend or a wife? I have insecurities. What? I have insecurities. Let me ask you this, Ryan. How small is your penis? What size are we talking about here?

Paint a picture for us. Is it like a thumb? Is it built like a pen? How does it compare to this caveman coffee nitro? 15% off using the Kill Tony Provo Cup. It's kind of cute because

I had a nice circumcision. I had a nice circumcision. I don't know, maybe six inches, I hope. I want to like him. I want to like you. There's something about his whole, like a Jim Ignatowski kind of, there's something there, but it's just not there.

It's not there. No. You're like Mitch Hedberg if he didn't have setups or punchlines or life. Yeah, I know. It's true. He is super likable. It almost seems like he's overcompensating for something. My favorite comedian is Mitch Dredberg.

Better question. How big is your asshole? Oh, no, that's a good question. It's nice. When you say that it was a nice circumcision, Ryan, what do you mean exactly? How many penises have you seen with bad scarring or like, I mean, bad circumcisions? Is that a thing? No, no, it's

a thing. Like, some will be like, you know, like they don't get the head correctly and they just kind of pull it that way, you know? Like, it's just one. Where are you looking at? Like message boards you're looking at this? No, I hang out in the gyms. You hang out at the gyms?

In the gyms. Whose gym? The gyms. In the gyms. How many gyms do you go to? Oh, jeez. Ryan Ogana, the dick hunter over here. Last time we learned something about you,

like you were molested or something. Oh, boy. Wow, way to cheer up the whole... No, like you were molested or something. Oh, boy. Way to cheer up the whole... No, but he was molested by a cop. It wasn't that guy that just left, was it? Oh, that is true. We did find out. If it's him, I'm pissed.

So you got molested by a cop as a little kid, right? He did something to your tiny, tiny penis. Is that right? He stunted its growth. See, there's something sort of interesting. Maybe you can talk about that. I almost like you, man. I really do.

I really like you almost. I see the look in your eyes. You like me. Are you the leader of a cult? And the cop went all the way, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. Okay, okay.

All right, all right, all right. He got in there. So, Ryan, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? Not too long. Good answer, good answer. Really good. That explains everything. What do you do for work?

Central casting. Central casting. So you're in the background of a bunch of creepy shit. Yeah, it's a creepy job, too. Yeah? Anything we might recognize you from? No. Nothing at all?

No. Even with central casting, you can't even get in the background of something that we would know at all. Yet that's what you do for a living. That's what I do for a living. You only work on productions that we could never find. In the background of shit we could never even... I've been on some bad TV shows. Some what?

Should I say the names? Yeah. Superstore. Just hold the microphone, dude. There you go. Sorry, guys. No, it's okay. Been doing it a little while now.

Superstore? Superstore. Show called The Affair. They're all... Were you one of the writers for Superstore? No. No, that's always interesting to me when, you know, someone does that

and only that for a living. Like, you just wait around, sort of waiting to be in the background for a gig. Like, why wouldn't you get something a little bit more steady, something a little more that you can count on? My mom would say the same thing to you right now. She would. Your mom what? She would say the same thing. Yeah. Well, okay. And what would you say after

she said that? I don't have any skills, mom. You don't have any skills? No. Come on, Ryan. What do you do for fun? What are some of your hobbies? I play piano. You play piano? I play piano. Really? Yeah. You better play like goddamn Beethoven, man. I kind of do. Really? Is that true? Yeah. Huh.

I can see that. Hey, why don't you jump back there, and Jeremiah, grab this. Yeah, use Joel's mic, and you can't really see him, I guess. It's the most tuned piano. Keep going back there. Don't worry about the mic, Ryan. We'll take care of that, you fucking idiot. This guy grabbing the microphone

for himself. Just get behind the piano, you doofball. Come on. It better be fucking good. Hey, you know what? Grab the beer off there and lift that thing up and put the mic under the thing. We've got a grand piano hidden back there this entire time. Alright, let's hear a little something from the completely

insane Ryan Oganek. Yeah, chill, chill. Let's just... Wow, look at that. I guess that's pretty good. I just went up on stage and bombed tonight. On the Tony's show and, man, it didn't feel all right. I shouldn't be up here.

I should be in the background of Superstore. There you go, Ryan O'Gannock, everybody. That was actually good. I like him. It's good. I like him. He likes you. He. That was actually good. I like him. It's good. I like him, man. He likes you. He won Dane Cook over. I like you.

Dane, I've never... I like you, man. I do. I've never seen somebody that plays... Very funny guy in a couple of years. Yeah. I've never seen somebody that plays the blues both on piano and with their comedy before. But that was fun.

You get a lot of pussy playing the piano like that? I snagged my wife playing the piano. Is that true? You're married? I tricked her. Wow. She must have the tiniest pussy. Big clit! All right, we're going to keep it moving.

There goes Ryan O'Gannick, everybody. All right, we're going to keep it moving. There goes Ryan O'Gannick, everybody. All right. He won me over. He won me over. Finally won over Dane. Deal. All right. Maybe with comedy, you could do one of those dueling piano bars.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Or if they remake One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Juicy fruit. I pulled another name out of the bucket while waiting for Ryan to come to the stage. I was ready to go, so let's do it. It sort of seems like a familiar name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Kevin Klapman, everyone.

Kevin Klapman. I feel like I remember Kevin Klapman. everyone. Kevin Klapman. I feel like I remember Kevin Klapman. Hey, look at that movement over there. From the back corner. Here he comes. Here he comes. That lucky corner back there. Independence, you know it seems so right.

Nothing good comes easily. Sometimes you gotta fight. Thanks. Kevin Klapman, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Kevin. Thanks. I swing both ways when I'm on a swing. Anyway, I was having sex with this guy on this swing the other day.

I'd like to do, real quick, my review of the movie Suicide Squad by Kevin, who is me. Here we go. My review of the movie Suicide Squad by Kevin is me. Expected more suicide. Expected more suicide. Amount of squads was as anticipated. Thank you. Thank you. I keep getting kicked out of the gym

for taking the free weights. Getting kicked out of the gym for taking the free weights. Boom. That's how it's done right there. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. That was a great set, Kevin Klapman.

This is your second time on the show. I remember you. Yeah, second time. You came here and you're rocking a fucking Penn State hoodie, which might be the funniest thing I've ever seen on the show's history. Came out and you just, just like a Penn State alumni, took what the fuck you wanted tonight. Just did it your way. Treated this audience like you had them in the showers.

How do you feel? That was fun, right? Oh, yeah. I had, This is great. Hell yeah. Calm down. Tony, this guy's my weed dealer. Is he?

He used to be our roadie, too. It's good to see you. Hey, how you doing? I didn't know you played the drums. Good to see you. Wow, okay. I'm glad you guys got to fucking catch up during this live comedy show. That was very well written on both of your parts.

Thank you. Okay, Joel. Back to you in the studio, Tony. Oh, thank you, Joel. We never would have figured it out without that talk. Is that a suicide note? What do you got? What are you reading?

These are your jokes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of reminded me like there's a little bit of a Maria Bamford thing happening that I liked. The way he was going dual kind of characters. That's my aunt. I thought it was cool. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

I love this. Yep. It was great. My goodness. I like what we got going here. Yeah, you're like a Napoleon Dynamite if there was no fuse or anything like that. Really just an old stick of mundane dynamite. I've never seen a mullet in the back and front.

That's fucking extraordinary. You do have a double mullet. That is fucking amazing. I've never seen anybody rock the old Ronald McDonald before. It's very impressive. Theo in the front, Vaughn in the back. Hell yeah. So, Kevin, let's talk about...

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Five years now. Five years. Very good. Where did you start? Denver, Colorado. That's a great place. We talked about this.

Yes. A great place to start great system you went through wendy's system yeah i used to perform at the wendy's and yep she makes i see what you did there you son of a bitch uh so uh so kevin um how long have you lived in los angeles uh a month now how's that going for you? Oh, you know Someone asked me if I was borderline retarded the other day Well, the other people Luckily for you, the other people that have been pulled out of this bucket

Were completely retarded So you seem like a goddamn star up here right now You're the least retarded person we've had on stage One guy had to quit his job as a police officer because he got tased. What a pussy, am I right? So this one month in LA, what's your living situation?

I live with an actor who does acting. Is his name Beavis? Yeah, yeah. Ah. Is it? Is it Beavis? No, it's not. No. Is this the Beavis and Butthead theme?

Wow, I don't even really remember that. Alright. So this is how you act all the time. This is you. Is it though? You know what, I'm trying to fucking get there with him. I feel like he's doing like a kind of an improv voice With awesome jokes

And then like he's gonna look back in like five years You mean he's being funny? Yeah But like in five years he's going I wish I didn't do that voice for the first five years No he's killing it He's gonna turn into an old Jewish man in five years I don't think that

I never should have done that I don't think I think it was a bad idea altogether Are you single? What. Are you single? What? Are you single? Yeah, you wanna... I was asking for a friend.

Oh, okay, never mind. All right. So... Yeah, you wanna... You're right, it is that kind of... Oh, yeah, I wanna... Oh, wow. Hey, Ma.

Really, really... I asked that because I wanna know what you're like on a first date. Like, do you talk like this? I've never been on a first date. Really, really. I asked that because I want to know what you're like on a first date. Do you talk like this? I've never been on a first date. Really? Wow. Explain that to me.

You've never been on a date? Yeah, I've never gotten that far. Is that true or are you being silly? Is Aphrodite here? All right, red band. No, you did that last week. Okay, stick with me here. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You've never been on a date before? No, no, no, no. Uh-huh. Why is that? You know, just working on my comedy. No, that's not why. All comedy. No, no, no. All comedy. No, no.

No. All comedy. No confidence. Bruh. Kevin, have you ever had a girlfriend? Stick with me over here, Kevin. All the way over here, Kevin. You fucking twat. Stick with me.

Come back to me. Come on, buddy. Don't get distracted. Come back to me over here. Look at me. Stick with me, Kevin. Look at my eyes. to me over here. Look at me. Stick with me, Kevin. Look at my eyes. Kevin.

I can't deal with this many noises. Kevin, look over here. Everything going to be Irene. There you go. I'm glad we got that part out of the way. Kevin, let's talk about the fact that have you ever had a girlfriend before? Well, I've never been on a first date. Well, I mean, maybe you met her at school.

Oh, yeah. So, yes, you have had a girlfriend. No, no, no. How old are you? 24. 24 years old. You've never been on a date before? No, no, no.

Your sexual preference is women? Yes, women. Very good. That's what you like. Do you jerk off sometimes? You masturbate? Oh, man. I can't show this to my mom anymore.

But you could... The part where you've never been on a date before, you could show to your mom? Oh, that's my Kevin. Even the guy with the little dick has a wife. You think you can't show it to your mom if she finds out you masturbate at 24? What type of fucking misery mom do you have? I don't know.

I'm not going to answer that question. Oh, yeah. Kevin. Kevin, look at me. Yeah. Kevin, look at me. Yeah, yeah. Do you masturbate?

Yeah. Yeah. There we go. Yeah, okay. Yeah, ma. All right. What's your favorite thing to masturbate to? Hey, Kevin, look at me.

Look at me, Kevin. What's your favorite thing to masturbate to? Good question. That's a good question. Look at me, Kevin. Oh, sorry. I think Kevin wants to fuck his own hair. Yeah, I think so.

He's got legs. We found out last time. I'll sweep up the stage after the show. I got dandruff problems. Okie dokie. Well, Kevin, I mean, really interesting. Can I have one of those coffees? Sure.

Yeah, absolutely. You sure can't have a caveman coffee. He starts talking normal. He's like, well, this is a great product. I enjoy this. Caveman coffee. Shout out to Tate Fletcher. Thank you. You giving him that drink was the closest thing to a date he's ever been

on. Yeah, I think it went well. There you go. Kevin Klattman, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at Kevin Klattman. Kevin, K-L-A-T-M-A-N. All right. We're off and running.

And it goes a little something like this. Your next comedian goes by the name... Wow, that's fucking crazy. These guys made their debut here last week. This is very exciting that they've in a bucket fucking filled with names that they've gotten up two weeks in a row. Make some noise for them. They are the Kleitsch Brothers, everyone. Here they are again.

Was it last week, though? I think it was last week. Last week or the week before. it was last week. Last week or the week before. Alright. So as twins, we constantly get asked the same questions all the time. Yeah, the same questions. Number one is who's older. This is actually my favorite

because I'm 20 seconds older than this guy, which means I'm better at the escape womb challenge. David likes to rub that in my face all the time, like I knew at the time it was a race. But here we are 30 years later, and I like to look at it a little bit differently. Here we are now, and I'm still spending more time in pussy than him. You know what I'm saying? You do right here. That's not that good, Dane. That's not that good, Dane. That's not that good.

I don't care. Hey, look, I was also one of those babies that was, like, pooping while he was being born, so this dude literally had to shawshank it into this world. Like, he was Andy Dufresne. Another question we get asked all the time is, like, have you guys ever dated twins? And we have, actually. We have dated twins. Yeah, and they would always be like, how did you tell them apart? How did they tell you apart?

Which is a little bit easier for us because Wesley actually dated the Burnett, and her name was Samantha. And David dated the blonde, and his name was Steven. So it was pretty easy. Come on. Boom. The Kleitsch brothers. Fuck yeah. You guys are back. You did it again. Yeah. The Kleitsch Brothers. Fuck yeah.

You guys are back. You did it again. Yeah. Dude, yeah. It sucked following Kevin up. Kevin did really good right before us. Say that again? Kevin, the guy that went up right before us, that dude crushed.

Oh, well, maybe you should hire him. You guys could be triplets together. Look up for Mike Lawrence if you got his number. Fuck yeah. So welcome, welcome. You did it again. Was that last week or the week before you guys were on? Three weeks. And now we've got Dane Cook. Oh my god, this is our fucking heroes, man.

Thank you so much. I love your bands Weezer and Weezer. Yeah, you guys did it again. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. Wow. Is that really true that babies poop while being born sometimes?

Oh, I remember correctly, yeah. It happened. Did someone? No, the mom usually poops for sure. Well, the mom definitely has to. I said poop, so I have to go to my chief poop correspondent over here. The expert over here. This guy thinks he's trademarked all poop comedy.

Tony, sometimes the poop goes into the baby's butthole when it's being born because of all the pressure. You have no idea what you're talking about. If someone says poop, you just start rambling words together, and that's what you do. It's so bizarre. Poop scientist. Poop scientist.

Red man is a poop scientist. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. Very good. Yeah, yeah. All right. Very good. Oh, boy. Okay, we got that one out of the way. Very good.

Let's sabotage our own show, shall we? Very good. There you go. Red man. Good stuff. Red man. Listen to how crazy the crowd's going. Wow.

Totally worth it. Oh, boy. So the Kleitsch brothers. Now tell me something that we didn't find out about you guys a few weeks ago that's interesting. Any fun facts? Anything one of you guys can do that the other one can't or anything like that? No.

What were you going to say before I say it? I was going to say our mom had two boys, and she tried one more time for a girl, and she got two more time for a girl, and she got two more boys on top of that. Wow. So we don't talk to her anymore. What's your sister like?

Is she cool? Does she have glasses and a beard too? Zero sisters. Oh. She wanted a sister. She wanted a daughter. Is it a weird relationship with the two brothers because they're not twins? Well, they're half-brothers, and it can't be as bad as what Dane has with his half brothers.

Oh, come on. That is true. The Kleitz brothers going for it. All right. So how long have you guys lived in LA? More of a fact. Today is our three month anniversary. Today is your three month anniversary. Today is your three month

anniversary. And what's your guys' living situation? You have a roommate? Yeah, we moved out here. Yeah? Yeah. We moved out here with four other comedians from Arkansas so we're all living together. Oh, that's right. I actually knew that. I believe it's called a flop house.

A what? A flop house. That's where a bunch of comedians get together. There's five of us now in a three-bedroom so and you guys share uh three-bedroom one bathroom right yeah it's not that's not hard we shared a womb so how hard is it to share right i mean right do you guys ever have to like uh do things at the same time do you ever notice like uh you know does one of you ever like uh have to go pee and the other one? I've cashed a couple of checks on his name. I know that.

Super shady. I got fired one time pretending to be him, which is a true story. It's a lot easier to get fired when they're calling you the wrong name. They're just like, David, you're so lazy. I'm like, don't forget stupid. Have you guys ever, this sounds horrible, but have you guys ever kissed each sounds horrible, but have you guys ever kissed each other just to see how

it feels? Yeah, we practice. That's how we got so good, ladies. Red band. What? Can you cut Red Band's microphone, please? Oh, you guys ever poofed? You already gave us the ice house spot. It's not happening. It would be cool

to kiss yourself. It's not gay if it's your brother. Brr, brr. There you go. There you go. Yes. Very good. So, all right.

What part of town do you guys live in in this flop house? We live in NoHo. Actually, I listened to the Death Squad podcast where Malcolm got jumped. It's one block from our house. Are you serious? Have you seen this kind of shady shit happening near you? Well, we were the ones jumping him. And now here we are. Creepy composite drawing

that is. If you've seen either one of these, two men. Alright, well I mean, what else, Kleitsch Brothers? Anything change in your life since you were on Kill Tony three weeks ago? We got invited to a Kill Tony recap show. They sit right here, these guys right here.

Huge fans. Oh, wow. I didn't even know there was a Kill Tony recap show. That's very exciting. Glad to know that people are having success on the Internet. Our social media has doubled as well. Have you guys used the joke that I gave you? No, not yet. We still have to. Okay, well, report back. Let me know if it works. Our social media's doubled as well. Have you guys used the joke that I gave you?

No, not yet. We still have to. Okay, well, report back. Let me know if it works. All right. Well, you guys were up a couple weeks ago, and we found out a lot about you then, so let's just keep this fun train moving along. Congratulations on getting pulled out.

There they go, the Kleitsch Brothers, ladies and gentlemen. They're on Twitter at Kleitsch Bros. C-L-E-I-T-C-H Bros. Oh, shit. It's all right. Yep. Twitter at Kleitsch Bros. C-L-E-I-T-C-H Bros. Hey, is that Don Barris? Hey, it's the great Don Barris. Don Barris. Fan favorite.

Hey, look, it's the real Don Barris, everybody. Jimmy Kimmel Live, Windy City Heat. Don, you want to come up here and do a minute, huh? Come on, Don. Come on, Don Barris, everybody. Bam. The great Don Barris.

Come on, Don. Get up here. Let's do it. In uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes to the king of late night at the Comedy Store, Don Barris, everybody. Get over there. Real quick, thank you very much, first of all.

I just want to know one thing. This looks like a pretty good group here. How many people like the fuck? Thank you. That's my time. Good night, here. How many people like the fuck? Thank you. That's my time. Good night, everybody. Hey, it's Don Barris, everyone. We love you, Don.

I love it. Wow. The legendary Don Barris, everyone. Make sure you check out his show, The Ding Dong Show, here every Monday. Except this Monday. We've both been here every Monday. We've both done our shows here on Mondays at the Comedy Store for five and a half years. And clearly, after that performance, I realize he's never seen our show before.

It's really exciting to know that he respects me as much as I respect him. All right, let's keep it moving. We know this guy. In fact, I think he was on last week. Make some noise for Daniel Magdon. Daniel Magdon. Here he is. Oh, God.

Yeah, this guy. He was. He was. And he's back again. Let's see if he has another minute. He's here. Here he is. Hey, gang.

I'm not very smart. Like, I don't know a lot of stuff. Like, if you guys want a vibe of who I am as a person, I don't know what a senator does, but I do know what squirrel meat tastes like. So it's tangy. It's actually not that bad, man. I just, I learned things differently. Like I grew up in a very small part of Missouri. Like there's a hundred people in the town I grew up in. And like you learn things differently out there. Like, I was taught that the Civil War ended as a tie until I was, like, 15. Boy, was I wrong. It was weird, you know, because, like, we didn't have a library or sidewalks out there. But I'll tell you what we did have in my neighborhood, guys. A local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. That's what we had. But, like, there was nobody who wasn't

white for 50 miles. So I i was like who is this for who set this up like what do you guys even talk about like what you might say if some jews show up one day like that's not wow there he is daniel magdon back again guys daniel is a uh daniel answers the great comedy question what would happen if Cartman had lupus? That's funny to me because last week you were on this show and I did a different Cartman joke and every time he's on I do a different Cartman joke. And last week he's like,

You do that joke every time I'm on the stage. Every time I come here you call me Cartman. You piece of shit. I'll do it again next week. I'm sorry. You look like if the problem child got locked into a high school cafeteria

and just started trying to eat his way out. He has creepy doll hair. Yeah, look at that. You're too young to have a comb-over like that. What's happening? It looks like if Ron Howard was on the show Unhappy Days. That's good stuff. Oh, Daniel.

Oh, my God. What's happening, man? I already used a barrel fire joke earlier, so I can't do that on you. But, I mean, that's incredible. There's been a lot of olive green, like dirty green clothes on this show here tonight. This is like one of the only outfits I own. I've probably worn this exact outfit every time I've been on the show. Yeah.

It's your lucky shirt. Let's not say lucky. It's more of an unfit. What do you keep in... I liked it. What do you keep in your breast pocket other than a breast? Generally cigarettes, but... Oh, you smoke cigarettes?

It's the only thing to make me look like a grown-up. How old are you? 22. 22. I'm 22. 22. I'm 22. Okay, Tim. Every goddamn time I'm on your show, you stay under the canvas.

22. I'm from South Park. You ask the same question every time, Tim. Yeah. Hi, Timmy. Yeah. You look like the moment right before an alien comes out of the person's belly in the movie Alien. You do look like something's growing inside of you.

I think it's the hernia. You have a hernia? No, you can't have a hernia. You've never lifted anything in your fucking life. Daniel, what do you do for a living? I work at a Jersey Mike's. Oh, that's right. Fuck Jersey Mike's.

Oh, and that's what you said last night. Oh, I saw your post. I saw your post. Oh, yeah. So, Daniel, getting high on your own supply over at Jersey Mike's, right? Just fucking slicing and dicing. That's one less meal a day I have to buy now. I just get my free sandwich, and I don't have to eat anything else.

Fuck me for having a strategy. Okay. Yeah, fuck me, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Screw you guys. I'm going home. All right, Daniel.

Anything else crazy happen in your life since last week when you were on this show? Anything exciting happen? Anything at all? Make a couple posts on Reddit? I did. Well, just pictures of my penis. That's all I put on Reddit. Oh, wow.

That puts the red in Reddit. Yeah, no. Oh, freckledick over here. What? Did you call me freckledick? Yeah. That would at least give my dick any type of distinguishing. You have a gigantic bush of red pubes down there?

It looks like the Great Pumpkin. I don't know what the Great Pumpkin looks like. Charlie Brown! Oh, very good. Yeah. All right, Daniel. Well, you were up last week. You did it again tonight.

Let's just keep moving. I want to meet someone new. Let's get someone new out here. Thanks, Daniel. Of course. Make some noise for Vanessa Jha. Jha. Vanessa Jha.

Here she is. Here she is. Here she is. With love, Roxanne. Roxanne. Roxanne. I know I can't be any worse than the guy that just came in, so let me just... This is good, this is good. So, I'm dressed all in black, it's not a political statement, don't get it twisted. Well, I'm African, and I'm still learning about the American culture, so if I'm dressed all in black and it's offending somebody, sorry about that.

So I'm kind of old. I'm getting older and I'm dating younger people now. It's funny. Yeah. My last sugar baby was 18 years old. It's legal, by the way, you know. And the thing about 18 year old dude, they're so delusional. Like we just finished having sex and he's asking me, so what are

we? I'm like, if you don't pick up your SpongeBob boxes and get the fuck out of here, like can't even afford like paying his own phone bill. Got to call mommy and daddy talking about what are we like? What the fuck? You know what I mean? Shit. And when we were having sex, I was just doing my thing. I was like, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka. He's like,

what the fuck is that noise? I'm like, bitch, that's my knees. What the fuck? I'm old. Boom. Vanessa Jayha. Hell yeah.

Look at you. Here we go. She's a little positive, little starlet up here. Jeremiah? This black girl just made pedophilia likable. He's 18. Come on. Isn't that the law in America?

I'm not from here, but come on, is it? Legal. Legal, right? There you go. God damn. Shit. Hey, I have a question for her. What was the noise that you make when you have sex?

Cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck. Oh, my God. What was it again? Okay. All right. All right, Reagan. Skeeter. Skeeter.

Vanessa, that was fun. Amazing stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just a year and six months. Wow, one year and six months. Like you like your kids. Yeah. Oh, well, I'm actually 28.

I'm just joking. I must have missed a beat. No, because you say, like, my kids. I don't know. Why? How old was the kid in the Joker? 18. No, because he said, like, my kids. I don't know. Why? How old was the kid in the joke? 18.

Oh, okay. All right. And did that really happen? It's okay. I mean, he could have exaggerated the truth. He was older, I guess. Do you do jokes also in Afrikaans? Huh? With the Afrikaans?

Do you, like, have you performed material there? In Africa? No. In Africa, I did more like poetry in French because that's my first language, so. Oh. Francais. Really?

She has a good spirit. Can you say something in French? La fois passée, j'étais ici et j'ai parlé français. Voilà, c'est ça, ouais. Wide rigging, I just fell in love. I speak French. That's it. You lived in Los Angeles. Five months. Five months. Yeah. Where'd you come from? I came from Baltimore. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yes. That's one of the most diverse parts of Africa. Yeah. It's actually worse than Africa, so thank you. It is worse than Africa. Baltimore. So what do you do for work? I'm a hairstylist slash behavioral specialist.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Yeah, she did Skeeter's Dreads, man. That's my sister. She's here to support. Wow. She came from Africa, too. Oh, my goodness.

Is it your actual sister? Same mom Just Jackie Oh like sister No that's my sister's sister Right right Indeed And wow this is so exciting I've always wondered what it would be like

If Rick Moranis shrunk the Aphrodite You've seen Black Panther I've always wondered what it would be like if Rick Moranis shrunk the Aphrodite. You've seen Black Panther. Welcome Black Cougar. So Vanessa, what do you do for work? I am a behavioral specialist and I'm also a hairstylist. Oh, that's right. I already asked that.

Hell yeah. And you're already doing that here in Los Angeles? I'm still looking for a job in mental health. I haven't gotten a job yet. What do you do in the mental health field exactly? Just a behavioral specialist. I help people alter their behavior to a more positive one. Oh, very cool. I believe that.

Have you ever worked with a comedian that was on before you did I call him a comedian no yeah no that's a I wouldn't want I don't even know what you're talking about the last comedian that was on before him was motherfucking Daniel Magnin

the South Park kid yeah there was just that one guy that came on, complimented Jeremiah Saxon, and left. It was crazy. Very nice man. Yeah, he doesn't need his behavior shaped at all. He's perfect. Just comes in, compliments, and then leaves.

In fact, I know for a fact he just left all the way out of the club. It's amazing. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Vanessa, what do you do for hobbies and stuff? Is there anything that you do for fun that's super African

or French or whatever? I like having sex like most people. Damn. Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn. Wow. All right. White guy's dream. White guy's dream.

You are living in a white guy's dream. God. All right. All right. Vanessa. Vanessa. Okay. All right. God Alright, alright Vanessa Vanessa Okay Alright What the

Okay, Jeremiah Jeremiah just keeps doing spit takes Clearly he prematurely ejaculates out of his mouth Wow Vanessa You ever been with a white man before? Oh, yes. Have you ever noticed anything about white men that's a little bit different in bed than a black man?

Yes? Something... Well, I don't like big dicks, so it works for me. Oh, fuck. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. It's so perfect. God, she was perfect until she said that. Oh, wow. That John Travolta character from that one movie that he did

didn't like that one at all. It's that Operation Swordfish back there. Marlon Way Wayne's. Is that true? You like a smaller, it's more about the motion in the ocean? Yeah, I like it soft and sloppy. Wow. Jesus Christ.

I want Jack in the box now. Oh, my gosh. My God. You realize that you're going to have 95 open mic comedians hitting on you after this show? 95 open mic comedians but only one Skeeter.

Man, you are incredible. What's the worst, what's your least favorite sexual experience that you've ever had? Anything stand out, anything embarrassing or crazy ever happen to you in the bedroom? You seem like a very sexual person so it increases the odds

of something wacky happening. Someone that has sex as a hobby. I had a Russian guy you were what? a Russian guy oh shit that was the worst once you go hack you never go back

I don't know that was the worst what did he do? did he try to rig your election? no no That was the worst. Yeah. Yeah. What did he do? Did he try to rig your election? No. No, he was big. Oh, really? A Russian?

We don't like that. I don't like big. No, we don't. We don't like that. Jeremiah just swallowed his water completely on that one. Well, Vanessa, I mean, you are just a bright little starlet full of energy perfect smile I mean just you know you just have that you just have an amazing fucking energy about you and for a year and six months you keep working at it I just don't see anything that can anything that can stop you

keep doing jokes and fucking rocking it great job job. There she goes, Vanessa Jayha, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Absolutely. All right. You called her a starlet, but it's more like a black hole. Oh, fuck. Look at the stage. It looks like I just followed Donnell Rawlings. All right.

Let's bring our regular up here. Every single week on this show, we have one comedian that writes and performs a new minute every single week. And by the way, I just want to say something because I got an interesting message on this show. We have one comedian that writes and performs a new minute every single week. And by the way, I just want to say something because I got an interesting message on the internet from a young lady that said that there's a lot

of men on this show and that it's all a sausage fest and we should look into having a female regular. And I just want to remind everyone, it made me real, I feel like sometimes maybe you're a new fan of this show, but maybe it goes without saying, but we spent the first four and a half, five years of this show

with only, strictly only female regulars. Two regulars eat every show. You know what I mean? Yeah, and there were two at the time, but it was always, always women. I think there's six or seven Kill Tony alumni that are all females, and then you have Malcolm, and then you have this guy who is goofy and silly and we fucking love him. It's a very special night tonight

because his parents are in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you William Montgomery. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely here. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely.

Sir, you're going to have to stand a little closer to the goddamn fence. That's an impression of my uncle whenever he sees a Japanese person at the water park. I don't know if y'all watch porn, but I'm a big uvula guy. For those of you that don't know, that's a thing at the back of your throat. This is an impression of my buddy with a foot fetish whenever he comes over to my house.

Um, dude, just take off your fucking socks. If you were, uh, homeless, you could wear whatever you wanted and nobody would be like, hey, Trisha, why are you wearing that sombrero with the garbage sack? William Montgomery. Laying it down. Crushing.

In front of his mom and dad are here tonight. Can I bring Larry and Francis up tonight? You want to bring them up? Can y'all come up? Bring up the Montgomery's. Come on up here. Larry and Francis, y'all.

It's Aaron and Francis. Aaron. Larry and Francis. Wow. Look at them. This is incredible. By the way, I met them before the show, and they are normal human beings. Come on, make some noise for the Montgomery's, everybody.

Let's start off with a little bit of Skeeter over there. Yeah. How did that come out of that? Yeah. It's very interesting. Mr. Montgomery, yes. The way that happened is a lot of acid during pregnancy. Crazy.

I'm crazy. I love that. I love that. I love that. Oh, wow. That's what he must tell himself, completely ignoring the fact that there was a psychotic ginger milkman in the neighborhood at the time. This is so cool.

Man, I am mesmerized at the fact that this beautiful couple made you. It is unbelievable that two well-balanced people that look like they have a normal vitamin-enriched balance were able to make a baby that looks like a have a normal vitamin-enriched balance were able to make a baby that looks like a trucker that's older than them. Most of the times, the parents are older than their child. This is the first with the Montgomery's. What did you feed him, gasoline and tires? Funny story, he had that beard when he was

born. Are you aware that he says funny story before everything he says? He even responds like a... Funny story. William, how does this feel being on the main stage? This is

perhaps one of the most sacred spots in all of comedy's history, and you're here with your parents after having a fun set. They're up here killing. How does this make you feel? It's good. It's very nice. Is there anything you want to say to them? Take this moment and perhaps

say something to your parents at this amazing part. There's about 4,000 people watching live around the world right now as well. First off, Cracker Barrel Kid 55, you motherfucker, quit the shit talk. I'm reading it!

I'm reading it! I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it! Oh my god. William, we're gonna hurt him real bad. Wow. We're gonna come after Cracker Barrel 52.

It's over! But on a serious note, two years ago, I got really big into something called HGH, human growth hormone. You got into it? I got into it, and I think tonight's the night I tell y'all I have a problem with it. I think he's getting big from the In-N-Out burger, not human growth. You just got fucking

roasted by your dad. Zing! Skeeter. What if William found out tonight that he was Cracker Barrel Kid the whole time? It was your dad. It was your very own father. Funny story, son. It was me all along.

Man, this is so cool. Mrs. Montgomery, are you proud of your son and what he's been working on and doing out here? You know, he did 12 years of stand-up in Memphis, Tennessee, and he came out here and just started crushing every time he was

on stage, and I told him he's one of the only comedians that I've ever met that, you know, a lot of the guys, they start somewhere else, they come here and they get in their fucking head, And he seems like he checked all of his bags and all of his experience and brought it with them. And he's, you know, operating at a very high level. How does this make you feel, Mrs. Montgomery? I am. I'm proud of him. Right into the tip of that. I'm proud of him because I think this is really brave to be able to come out here and do this. Yeah.

Now tell us something weird about his childhood. Does he have like a weird penis or anything like that? Funny story? Funny story. Funny story. He doesn't have a penis Wow It's a nightmare Cracker Barrel 52 just got you again

We could have bet on that on BetDSI Wow that is so Fucking cool well William got you again. We could have bet on that on BetDSI. Wow. That is so fucking cool. Well, William, I mean, and the Montgomery's, I thank you guys so much for making this kid. I told him since I met him, I think I'm going to work with him forever. There they go, the

Montgomery's, everybody. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, too? There you go. Sure, I'll take one of those. William Montgomery, everyone. What do you guys think? Bucket one more time?

All right. I already pulled a name out. I pulled it out earlier because I didn't know if the last person was going to show up, and we had a lot of no-shows in a row. So your final comedian of the night goes by the name, if he's here, of Aaron Woodward. Aaron Woodward. Oh, my gosh. That's really sad. Is that Aaron Woodward?

Nope. Okay, how about Ken Parra? Ken Parra? That's a real person. Ken Parra. Ken Parra. Oh, man. I've been suffering from mental health my whole fucking life.

Problem is nobody believes me. No one fucking believes me that I'm sick up here. And half the problem is my own fault. I'm a pathological liar. Fuck you. It's okay to be a pathological liar just because we don't have an AA meeting. We can all get together and talk about our lives. Doesn't mean there's not a DSM-5.

It's a real fucking disease, okay? It's a situation, man. The thing about being a pathological liar is that you end up making friends, you tell them some stories, and then they find out you're not from the right city. And then you have to go make some new friends. I've been 21 savaging it ever since I was before 21 years old. But you know, now I'm not a pathological liar anymore And I don't believe shape Alright

Alright So let's talk about it Ken, this is one of your first times doing stand-up comedy, right? Yeah, in the top 20 Alright, so one of your first 20 times Yes You've been at it a few months? A couple months, yeah. A couple months, yeah. Well, that's

cool. I could tell because I couldn't understand a goddamn thing you were saying the entire time. Fair enough. I don't know if you said, I think you may not realize it, but I think you may have mispronounced or messed up your first joke entirely. You know what you said?

I've been suffering from mental health? Yeah. Oh, that was, okay. All right. All right. Just making sure. I thought maybe you misworded it. It's just you miswrote it.

Okay. It's all good. That happens. You're a couple months into the fucking game. Not easy. You're going to figure out some things work, and a lot of things don't. Yeah.

Very good. You're adorable. You look like a gigantic baby with glasses and a lot of things don't. Yeah. Very good. You're adorable. You look like a gigantic baby with glasses and a hat. Thank you, Josh Biden. You're in disguise as a grown adult. Sort of, yeah. His act is like

it's almost a meltdown, but it just never quite gets there. Yeah. That's my life, yeah. I bet when you play Grand Theft Auto, you don't even do the missions, you just kill hookers. If I played video games, I probably would do that for sure. What's wrong with that?

Yeah. That sounds fun. I love it. So let's get into it. Let's find out stuff about you that you really can talk about. Because I think a lot of the reason why none of the mental health stuff worked

is not only because it didn't make sense, but because you really didn't cover anything. It's such a broad subject matter. Do you really think you have mental health issues? I said I was a pathological liar almost my whole life. Yeah, but that's not really, like, that would be a side effect of an overall, like, you know, of an actual diagnosis of some kind. Have you ever been diagnosed with something? I haven't been able to really afford diagnosis.

But you know what? I think it's a real legitimate disease being a pathological liar, isn't it? Well, I mean, technically no doctor is ever like, well, bad news. They used to call it mythomania. Like, I mean, it would be, you know, borderline

personality disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar, any of those. You ever get told you're any of those by a doctor? I don't believe that shit. You don't believe what? And bipolar or like personality disorder. Oh, he's lying. Yeah, the whole joke.

He's lying. Guys, the whole joke was the lying thing. They just didn't get the joke. No, I mean, I really just think it's kind of bullshit, like those mental health disorders. So this is all a lie. So if everything's a lie, then nothing. No, I'm not lying about that.

I really do think that we probably. You're like a flat earther for mental health is what you're saying. Yeah. I'm deep in conspiracy theories, almost all of them. I believe them for like a couple of weeks and then I'm not sure. You come from a family that has a lot of money? No. Really?

What does your dad do for work? Yeah, prison. He's in prison? Yeah. Okay. Is this Josh Martin? All right. Not worth it.

So you were raised by a single mom? Yeah. And what does she do? Well, she was a preschool teacher. She's now remarried, and she's like basic. Who's she remarried to? Jeff Bezos? That would be nice.

What was your dad in jail for, prison? Just drugs, you know, different things with drugs, selling them, using them, three strikes, that kind of shit. Wow. So he's in jail for, like, life? things with drugs, selling them, using them, three strikes, that kind of shit. Wow. So he's in jail for like life? Yeah. Well, he came out when I was 30 and then I met him and then I- Is this true?

Yeah, this is really true. Yeah. You gotta lie more, man. It's more interesting when we find out it's a lie. And then he went back to jail after that? I think so. Like I tried calling him and then he didn't answer. So I think he's in jail or he's dead.

It doesn't matter too much. I only met him once, so it's no big deal. Right, right, right. But you're close with your mom? Yes. And your mom was a preschool teacher. She remarried and then quit teaching preschool? Yeah, my stepdad owns a couple of smog shops.

Owns a couple what? Smog shops. Smog shops. Yeah. Testing for smog. Right. Testing for smog. Gotcha. Its a couple what? Smog shops. Smog shops. Yeah. Testing for smog. Right. Testing for smog. Gotcha.

That's a very California thing. So what do you do? How do you make a living? How old are you? I'm a legal videographer. Was that true, by the way? I'm 35 years old. What was your question, Dane?

I just want to know when he's lying. Oh, yeah. Because if he's pathological, how are we getting all this fucking real information? Oh, no, I used to be. I mean, I don't think I am anymore. But we tend to believe our own lies. So, okay, Dane, you might be right. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure much about anything anymore. Wow. Hey, do you believe there is a spectrum? Yes. Okay, good. You are on the spectrum. Okay. So, Ken, what do you like to do for fun?

You seem like a pessimistic, sort of like a negative, toxic guy a little bit. You like to lie to people. You don't really know what's going on in the world. No, I'm actually a pretty fun guy to hang out with. I like to get drunk. Give us an example. Give us something fun. I like videotape Aphrodite, Stupid Central.

That's fun. Okay, what else? Give us something else instead of that cheap Aphrodite plug you just gave. Okay. I like to rap. You like to rap? Yeah. Presence?

Well, I got good fucking news for you, sir. Yeah. There's nothing I'd rather do right now than to listen to you give us a little example of some type of rap. Okay. Is that the beat you want? Is that good for you? Faster, slower? A little bit faster.

Here, I got one. A little bit faster. He's got you. He's got him. He's got him. No, no, no. That's a slower sad rap beat. Let Joel do it, Brian.

Brian, you do what you were doing. There you go. Yo, yo, yo, yo. I don't believe shit. I don't need it. Stand up here and eat a pita. Share it with Dane. That's my thing.

Sometimes I'm sick in the brain. But what are we we gonna do next? I just wanna flex. Woke up. Group sex. Not gonna happen today. Didn't happen yesterday, so fuck it. It's just another Monday. Please stick to the rivers

and the streams that you're used to. Say I don't give a damn about those rivers. All right, all right. Honestly, I think that was pretty fucking good. Usually rappers fail miserably on this show, but I see what you did there. I don't know. I was just freestyling around a little bit.

It's cool. I like it, man. I guess I'd be like Kanye. A little bit of a... I do like Kanye. A little bit of liar, liar, pants on fire in there. Yeah, yeah. All right. Ken, yeah. All right.

Ken, I love your style. You know, you're only a couple months in, but you already look like Hannah Gadsby. So I'm pretty excited about the trajectory of your career. And I'm glad that you had your debut here on Kill Tony. We'll find out more about you next time. There he goes, Ken Parra. We did it. We did it. We did it again, ladies and gentlemen.

That was tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebald. How fucking cool is that? Make some noise for that. The new poster is available at ryanjebald.com. How about a hand for the great and powerful Dane Cook, ladies and gentlemen? Huntington, Albany, D.C., St. Louis, Chicago, Mount Pleasant, Boston, Riverside, San Francisco, Red Bank, New Jersey, Philly, Cincy, Indy, Denver, Durham, Charlotte, Madison, Milwaukee, Honolulu, Verona, Niagara Falls, Baltimore, New York City, Louisville, Nashville, Orlando, Hollywood, Minneapolis, Detroit, Portland, Seattle, Northfield, Ohio, and Cassville, Connecticut, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Phoenix, Jacksonville, Nashville, Orlando, Hollywood Minneapolis, Detroit, Portland Seattle, Northfield, Ohio, and Cassville

Connecticut, Austin, Dallas, Houston Phoenix, Jacksonville, Tampa, Atlanta and Los Angeles, you're all part of the Dane Cook Tell It Like It Is 2019 tour, how fucking crazy is that, that's what he's up to for the next few months, so if you live near or around any of those cities, go get your

tickets at danecook.com I had so fucking much fun with you here today dude that was awesome i hope you'll come back and play with us again sometime any fucking time man this was great thank you everybody this is a lot of fun how about one more time for the great and powerful jeremiah watkins huh he is going back to his hometown of kansas city kansas to perform a stand-up comedy March 14th through the 16th. And he's coming on a lot of these stand-up gigs featuring for me in Calgary and Bellevue. And he's going to be in Philly with us and so many others.

But Kansas City, March 14th to the 16th. He tapes his hit podcast every single week, comes out every Monday afternoon. Jeremiah Wonders, who is your guest today? Sidney Mailer and Nikki Howard. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. The crowd goes wild for that one.

Hey, how about a hand for – oh, yes, Jeremiah? Yeah, I got a couple more plugs, man. Oh, yeah? Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. Shout out to my pals Ashley Reynolds and Robert, my pals out – Okie dokie. that's enough of that. And also, man, I got another cousin on the island. All right, all right.

That's enough of your shout-outs. My God. What are you? USA DTC for the clothing. Look at this. Oh, my God. This sponsor this episode, man. Jeremiah will sell you his soul.

Or wait, no. Okay, I said that's okay. I said that wrong. Hey, how about a hand for Chroma Chris, everyone? Chroma Chris still batting 1,000. Chroma, what did you think of tonight's episode? Jamaica another good one, man. Oh, God.

Hey, look who it is. It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Joel's on Twitter, Instagram, Mostly Sorry. He's on the road with us on a lot of these Kill Tonys. Anything else, Joel Berg? Shout out to Ludwig Drums. Yeah, that's huge. Got a big sponsorship.

It's coming on Wednesday. I get the new kit. Yeah, Wednesday morning. So this upcoming Monday, you're going to have your new drum set. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. That's fucking incredible. Oh, yeah. I love you guys. Hang out. new drum set. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. That's fucking incredible.

Oh, yeah. I love you guys. Hang out. We're here. Wow. That is so exciting. So many fun things happening. Remember, Infinite CBD, Caveman Coffee, Bet DSI, RockinPins.com, and Dane Cook's Tell

It Like It Is Tour at DaneCook.com. He's going absolutely everywhere, so get tickets for that. We did it. All right, guys. See you later. Thank you, live audience. Thank you so much. We'll see you guys soon. Good night. Good night. ស្រូវនប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ Thank you.