KILL TONY - KILL TONY #335

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

Luis J Gomez, Dan Soder, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/01/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows.

You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we just started this huge tour and we're everywhere. We're going to be in St. Louis, West Nyack, New York, La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane,

Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, so many places. And if you want the whole entire list, just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. And there you can have all the information, all the entire list of our tour and tickets. So you can buy tickets right there. Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the golden pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books and everything. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

You can get Kill Tony shirts there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff. All designed by me at shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rippin' coming to you live from the famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Wow, here we are. Make some noise, everyone. You're at the Comedy

Store for the number one live podcast in the world. No one has more fun on a Monday than us. Brian Redband's here. Yeah, what's up? We are back home in the stable again. The great Ryan J. E. Belt drawing tonight's episode. We just sold Ryan J. E. Belt posters everywhere, including Ventura. Special shout-out to Ventura.

We had a lot of fun there on Thursday night, filled up the Hong Kong Inn. And the gigs on the road just keep rolling in. And, of course, we have St. Louis this Thursday, April 4th, and then a weekend of stand-up there at Helium in St. Louis, and then West Nyack Levity Live next Thursday, April 11th, and then a weekend of stand-up there. I do a weekend of stand-up comedy at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and then on that Sunday, we have

two Kill Tony La Jollas. One of them is already sold out. And now it is time for the biggest announcement in Kill Tony's history, everybody. It's fucking crazy. We just got back from the road continuously, including Europe,

and now we announce our largest tour ever at this very moment right now. It starts May 9th in Phoenix, Arizona. We're going back there. And then May 11th, our return to Las Vegas, Nevada. And then Salt Lake City, May 14th, you get your very first Kill Tony, along with Boise, Idaho on Wednesday, Spokane, Washington on May 16th, Portland, Oregon, May 17th, Vancouver, Canada. They've wanted it for a long time, and they get it May 18th.

And then May 19th, Seattle, Washington. We close it out with two shows on a Sunday night in Seattle. And then we get a break, right? Yeah, a little break. Yeah, we get a little break until June. Friday, Kansas City, Kansas, and then Saturday, June 8th, Omaha, Nebraska gets their first ever Kill Tony

in Des Moines, Iowa on June 9th. And then we get another break, right? Another Monday off? Yeah, we get to fly back on Monday morning, do an episode here because we're not missing Mondays on any of this tour. A little fun fact for you. So we fly from Des Moines back to Los Angeles

on Monday, do an episode, and then Tuesday our asses are back on airplanes all the way to Appleton, Wisconsin. How about that? I believe that's Madison basically, but Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The next night, Chicago, Illinois. You finally did it. You've wanted it for a while, and you fuckers got it.

June 13th at Thalia Hall. These are all gigantic theaters and serious rock clubs. We're off a night that Friday night, June 14th. I'm going to eat some pizza, maybe have some drinks. And then Madison, Wisconsin, Saturday, June 15th at the Majestic. I did that place back on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour, and that was a lot of fun. June 16th, Minneapolis and then Poughkeepsie, New York. You just got

added. Wednesday, June 19th, the night before we do the Gramercy Theater and then the Gramercy Theater and then Skank Fest. Don't forget Kill Tony Mania, San Francisco and the road to Kill Tony Mania in Sacramento in the month of October. Northern California. It's something

like 29 shows in 60 days or something like that. It's something crazy, yeah. I mean, if you look at it that way, yeah, that causes a panic attack, but you know, it's going to be a lot of fun. You just do it one day at a time, you get on another plane, another hotel, a little nap, and then you do it again. And you edit

29 4K two-hour videos. That's it. Heck yeah. Reading ads and having fun for a living. Pretty crazy, right? And then we're back here every single Monday. And how about we announce the next week's guest? Wouldn't that be fun? It's the return of the great and the powerful Tiffany Haddish.

Everybody is back. No big deal. No big deal. Just one of the biggest movie stars on the planet. So glad we get her back so soon. I know the announcement of this tour and the announcement of our guest next week probably made a lot of you come in your pants.

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Restrictions apply. See website for full details. And speaking of the stuff that happens below the belt, support for Kill Tony tonight comes from Manscaped, who is number one in men's below-the-belt grooming. Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for manscaping with the right tool for the job. The Perfect Package 2.0 kit features the Lawn Mower 2.0 with SkinSafe technology. Yeah.

This trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts. How many times have you done that? You've been trying to shave it and you accidentally cut a vein or something? It's not good. It's also 100% waterproof, so you could do it in the shower. It'd be all sexy, and it's shock-resistant, so you don't get electrocuted. Precision tools for your family jewels. Your balls will thank you.

That's right, and they actually sent us both a couple packages. It's one of those funny ones. They didn't really warn us about it, and they sent it both to us. And last week, Red Band said to me, he goes, hey, did you get a package today from Manscaped? And it was true. I loved the package, and I enjoyed it. I used it that day. I shaved off everything by mistake. I went a little crazy. I did, too.

It looks like a baby holding an apple now, baby arm. And my favorite part, though, was at one point, Brian goes, I really like the cologne that was in there. And I said, Brian, that's not cologne. That's a deodorant ball spray. Oh, yeah. This guy sprays. I've been spraying it on my neck. No, and they have these things called ball wipes.

It's great. Instead of doing like a stripper shower, you know, with like some soap and whatever, you just wipe these things on your nuts before you leave and you smell fresh. I'm telling you, I love the deodorizer spray. I used it too. In fact, a little fun fact to be honest with you. Before I used it on my thing down there, the electric shaver, I trimmed my little magician facial hair that I have going on here. I used it first.

The first, not second. I didn't go balls to face. I went face to balls. So get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with the code TONY at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping and a free travel bag at manscaped.com. And use the code TONY. And by the way, let me just throw in there. That's a real – I really love that.

I highly recommend for you guys listening to this, you know, take extra care of yourself. And it feels good. You feel better. You didn't even realize that you're just dealing with a forest down there. Makes it look bigger. Yep. Yeah, that's – okay. You feel better. You didn't even realize that you're just dealing with a forest down there. Makes it look bigger. Yep. Yeah, that's okay. There you go.

And shout out to rockandpins.com. They make an amazing Tony Hinchcliffe pin, and they just debuted the new Brody Stevens pin, which Brody agreed to do on one of his last nights here was to make this pin with them. last night's here was to make this pin with them. And all the proceeds now of the Brody Stevens pin is going to an amazing park bench next to a baseball park in the valley where Brody used to play baseball. The guy from Rockin' Pins, Mauricio, is so cool. And it was his idea. He did it.

Okay. I think we should retire that sound board for a while. CavemanCoffeeCo.com. Get some delicious Nitro Caveman Coffee. We love it here. Everyone's drinking it in the green room and on stage. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15%.

The new Feminist Stacey T-shirt is still on preorder for one more week. Go to JeremiahWatkins.com to get your Feminist Stacey T-shirt and a shout-out to our friends over at Ludwig Drums. Now with that said, I'm excited to bring out tonight's guest. You guys ready to start this show or what? We're live. We're here. You just heard us read ads because it's a live podcast. And at every single week, we have one or two of our funniest friends, some of the best comedians in the world on this show. These are two of my favorite humans,

a couple of our New York brothers that have been on this show before. They're back again. Make some fucking noise for the great Luis J. Gomez and Dan Soder, everybody. Hey, now. Yeah. I love it. Dan Soder's back. Louis J. Gomez is here.

We're coming around the corner. And tonight is the debut. Right now, you can get Louis J. Gomez's special. He's here with us on the night his special came out. Louis J. Gomez presents Louis J. Gomez. Go to gasdigitalnetwork.com and check out his amazing one-hour special. I saw some clips on Instagram and whatnot, and I genuinely, and I hate stand-up comedy. I know, you do.

You tell me every day. I have to sit here, and I have to watch these fucking people every week. It's terrible. And I hate it, but I love the clips that I saw. Well, thank you very much, Tony. Cool opening, too. Animated opening. Yeah, yeah.

We had Jamie Josta from Hate Breed do the opening with a great animator named Sven out of Europe. That sounds made up at the end. Sven from Europe. He's also my most generic description of a person ever. I'm dating him. That's like when you used to lie about having a girlfriend at another high school.

Dan Soder does the bonfire with Big J. Oakerson on Sirius XM Monday through Thursday, 3 to 5 p.m. He's going to Salt Lake City. He has a bunch of other tour dates. It's dansoder.com. Utah.

Going to Utah. Have you done Salt Lake City? I love Salt Lake City. I've heard a lot of good shit about it. I've never been there. Salt Lake City, multiple times I've done Wise Guys. And a little fun fact, We are going to Salt Lake City on this crazy summer tour that

we're doing. We're going to be there Tuesday, May 14th at the State Room. Cross plug. Yeah, exactly. We just crossed our streams on that one. We were setting that up since yesterday. Look how big fucking Kill Tony has gotten. When I started doing the show, it was 30 people upstairs

coming out every week, and there's a packed out room here. This is fucking incredible, guys. That's crazy. Another fun fact, the end of this summer tour, the absolute end of it, is at Skankfest. That's the official end of our

summer tour. We go from the Gramercy Theater and then roll right into you. I'll tell you right now, here's what we're going to do, Tony. Special night tonight, we're going to do, Tony. Special night tonight. We're going to give away one spot on Skank Fest to one of the performers. Whoa. That is so cool. Is it going to be the one that attacks you?

Maybe. I got the sword. Let's fucking play, baby boys. Oh, no. Not the sword again. I will tell you right now. Not only are we going to put you on Skank Fest, we're going to fly you out. We're going to put you up in a hotel.

One person tonight. Are you serious? Can you believe that? One lucky performer tonight. We're going to put you up in a hotel. One person tonight. Wow. Can you believe that? One lucky performer tonight. We change your life. Please hold Louis to this. I am drinking a lot today. Oh, what a fucking drunk dad promise.

I can't wait. So we'll find out at the end. We'll decide. No, I swear to God. I swear on everything. Are we recording? Yeah. I can't go back on it. We'll decide. No, I swear to God. I swear on everything. Are we recording? Yeah. I can't go back on it. We're live,

Louis. We're live around the globe right now. I can't go back. One performer from Kill Tony tonight gets flown out to New York City. What if they all suck, though? One of them is going to suck in New York City. Yeah. June 21st through 23rd, skankfestnyc.com already sold out. All access passes sold out.

There's like 30 or 40 tickets left for Friday and Sunday. That's it. I love it. The biggest comedy party in the fucking world. Tony, you've done it three years in a row now? Yep, three years. How much fun is it? You want to know what I'm most excited about this year is getting to share it with one of our great friends

and a guy that's come up on this show. Last year, Jeremiah was with us. We all had a blast. But I'm excited at the fact that Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, is coming. You guys were nice enough to get him in the mix and throw him in there. So we're pumped. And so it's going to be his first Skankfest, and we're here at home. Well, we'll see how he does tonight.

Why don't we get those guys out here? We have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen, and every single episode they commit to staying in character. You never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. We don't even know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Maybe they're Italian mafia people, 80s

comedians. We've seen it all, right? So let's see what they are tonight. Maybe it's a new character. Maybe it's an old character. It's the best damn band in the land. It's Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez and Caroma Chris. Whoa. Really? Oh! Yeah!

Oh. Yes! I've had a feeling this was going to happen. We have a few pilots here, ladies and gentlemen. These are definitely professional commercial airline pilots. It's weird because you want to be a pilot, Tommy. Yeah, no, it's true. Last week during an episode in which we were interviewing a guest,

it was revealed by Brian that I would like to be a commercial professional pilot. Yeah. So it's out. Who are we dealing with today, Captain? This is Gavin Fairfield. It's good to see you, Captain Hinchcliffe.

This is like the most boring Magic Mike act. Are they going to pull their dicks out? Or are they just going to keep doing pilot voice? Please stay in your seat, sir. Please stay in your seat. And then we have Chroma Chris over there, who has always looked like a professional pilot.

It's Pilot Paul, Tony. Wow, you seem like you're in a little bit of a panic. Yeah, I've had a lot of time off. I mainly fly for Boeing. I've decided to be somewhere. And then back here we have what appears to be Spanish Air, something like that. What are we dealing with? I'm Jim Hernandez, the resident chemtrail pilot here at Golden County Airlines.

We've got Jim Hernandez, the resident chemtrail pilot here at Golden County Airlines. We got Jim Hernandez. Give me the captain's name one more time. What was that? Yeah, Captain Fairfield over here. All right, Captain. Well, we have airline pilots. We have Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez, Red Band. Everything is in place.

And right here I have the official bucket of destiny, ladies and gentlemen. It's got a bunch of comedians' names in it. And anything can happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the

angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. Wow. The bear has clearly been working on its horse impressions lately. Rest in peace, Snipsy. And then after your set, we talked to you about

anything in the world. Find out more about you. And I'm excited. You guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? This is how it goes. It's Kill Tony Live. And someone's going to Skank Fest. How cool is that?

Wow, Lewis. You get a bunch of free drugs at Skank Fest, too. It's not just the airfare. It's so cool. Get ready to sleep on Lewis's couch. Oh, yeah. Very rarely do guests just give things away. Tiffany Haddish gave away like $700 a few weeks ago and blew people's minds. Yeah, that's probably $200 less than this airfare and hotel at Skankfest.

That's true. And she's got way more money, so... That's true. You might be able to save on airline tickets if you talk to Captain Fairford. Get a buddy pass, Lewis. I love it. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian performing in uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Neil Charles, everyone.

Here we go. Neil Charles. This is Smash Mouth, right? Neil Charles. Hey, spread my wings and fly away. Yeah. One more time for Neil Charles, everyone. Hey, everybody. I've been having a great time in L.A. I recently moved here.

I got married, and I became a parent for the first time. Oh, you don't need to applaud for that. I'm a step-parent, so it doesn't really count. I have an 8-year-old girl, and we have a love-hate relationship. And I'm still waiting for the love to kick in because she fucking hates me, man. I call her my daughter though. I don't call her my stepdaughter and my friends give me a lot of shit about that. But I don't understand why I can't call her my daughter. Like if I bought a car, right? I don't call it my stepcar. It's just my car. It's the same concept.

Like the last owner didn't want this one, but he still makes the payments because that's how child support works. Yeah, I'm from Brooklyn, and I just found out that my neighborhood is referred to as Scary Brooklyn. Oh, all right. Thank you.

Neil Charles, you did it. Wow. Hello. How are you? Grab that microphone, Neil. Yep. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 14 years.

Wow, that's great. I loved you as the main character in the new blockbuster movie Us. Lupita. Anyway. Wow, so you live in Brooklyn. This is crazy that you live in Brooklyn where Skankfest is going to be, and you're not going to be the one that is going to Skankfest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He will likely be the one that gets a free trip to Skankfest is going to be, and you're not going to be the one that is going to Skankfest. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He will likely be the one that gets a free trip to Skankfest.

Yeah, Lewis is going to fucking... A MetroCard and a fucking... You're about to watch Lewis fucking juice this up so he doesn't pay less money. That is ideally the greatest set I've ever seen in my life. I felt like I was watching your family. I've known Neil for quite a long time, and I'm always distracted by how much he looks like Jerry Rice. Yeah.

Yeah. As a 49er fan, it's very distracting. And he looks like Oakland Raiders Jerry Rice. Like he's holding on to the dreads, but they're not holding on. Yep. But I love Neil. That being said, he's my vote to the dreads, but they're not holding on. Yep. But I love Neil. That being said, he's my vote for Skate Fest, so Lewis saves money. Hey, you can save the hotel.

Yeah. Because I fucking live there. Can we put up other comics in your apartment? Yeah, there you go. I'm just saying we're trying to figure out some things right now. Nah, fam, nah. Tony. All right.

You said you're a step-parent, but you're black, so technically you're a step-brother. Wow. There he goes a little. I liked it. That one went over everybody's head, pilot. Please put your seats in the upright position and fold the tables up.

Neil, what do you do for work? I do this and acting. That's it. Wow, have you been in anything that we might recognize you from acting-wise? Were you in Oz or something like that? Joanna, man. No, that was before I worked.

That's fucked up. That's racist. I've been in a couple commercials, but usually it's like background. I'm kind of new at that. I used to play commercial. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? When you're out in Brooklyn, do you do anything crazy like listen to Beastie Boys and skateboard or something like that? No, I listen to a lot of 90s rap and Sean Price. That's my favorite rapper. Thank you. And I play basketball. We know. And, um,

yeah. Yeah. I love it. So you've been doing stand-up how long again? 14 years. 14. I thought you made him say 14 three different times. I love it. So you've been doing stand-up how long again? 14 years. 13 years. 14. I thought you made him say 14 three different times.

You're like a detective that's just going to do the same thing over and over again. I used to see Lewis around, and Dan did my show in Brooklyn like eight, nine years ago. What you doing in L.A. right now? Acting and stand-up when I can. So I moved here for this. For Kill Tony? Wow. That was on the list, though.

It was on the list. And you're currently acting on something. Can you talk about it, or is it like a secret? Oh, no. I wish it was a secret. I did something last week But I'm still looking for new stuff I'm not repped here

So I just self-submit What's your living situation When you come out here Are you staying at a hotel, Airbnb What are you doing Oh no, me and my wife There's no Airbnb I live here

Oh you live here Oh you're live here Oh you live here Oh you're from Brooklyn and you live here Gotcha What part of town do you live in? Hancock Park You like it over there? Yeah What's your favorite?

It's funny because you look like Hancock What do you mean he looks like Hancock? Like Will Smith the homeless superhero Oh wow I was there I liked it Really? It's like the fourth most famous Hancock, Joel.

He doesn't look like a John Hancock. Wow. Neil, you've been doing it a while. What's the least amount of fun that you've had on stage? Worst thing that's ever happened to you or something like that? I think the worst thing that's ever happened to me was I did a show in a really sketchy part of Brooklyn. So not too far from home.

Take us back. I had bought a couple of drinks. And the host called me up to do my spot. And I went up to do my set. called me up to do my spot and I went up to do my set and then uh the waitress came on stage to make me pay my tab oh no and I was like you gotta see me like I'm not gonna run out of the club like I'm right here so then we were just having this argument on stage while the crowd was just watching. Then she let me do my set and I bombed my dick off that night. Wow.

My goodness. She waited until you were done and then did she at least charge you comic prices? She's like, sweetheart, after that set, you don't even deserve it. No. She still wanted her full tab.

Is your wife a comedian? No. What does she do? She works in the medical field. Nice. Good job, dude. You're going to move to L.A. unrepped. Fucking marry a doctor. That's a very shady way to put it. She works in the medical field.

Could be a wide array of things. Doesn't mean she's a doctor, Dan. She sells Oxycontin. I'll tell you since this is Kill Tone, I'll tell you she runs the cancer center at Children's Hospital. Yes! Fuck yeah!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah, cancer! Little kids keep getting sick, she keeps getting pain. Normally when a black guy says his wife works in a field, I feel bad for them. But that's a story with a happy ending there,

helping kids with cancer. That was the opposite of racism. All right. Put your hands together one more time for Neal Charles, his first time on Kill Tony, everybody. He's on Twitter at NeilCharlesFTW. So follow Neil. He's been at the game

14 years. Alright. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Make some noise for your next comedian, Elijah J. Here we go elijah j here comes elijah what's up i am gonna start with an ad read i uh just got a dna test and because I was really like kind of annoyed with people coming

up to me all the time and just being like, what are you? Because you look white but kind of exotic. And I feel like calling me exotic is like calling a Volkswagen Passat exotic. You know, I'm not special. We just know I'm not made in the U.S. and that's it. The other reason I got a DNA test is because I've never met my dad, and my mom says he's black, and my grandma said my mom slept around a lot. So we either find out who he is or what continent he's from, think it's a win-win situation there. I was super nervous because I've gone the past 22 years thinking I'm half black,

and if I'm not, I got a lot of apologizing to do. I said a lot of things that only people of color should say. I see my homeboy walk up down the street and be like, yo, what up, my neg? But I only say half of it, you know, just in case. You never know who's listening. But I was super nervous, so I just swabbed my dog's mouth and set that off.

There you go. Elijah J. Wow. Look at you. I can't figure out what the fuck you are for sure. I know. That's why we're rating on the results. I know that you can't say nig. That's not okay. It's gone so well. That's maybe more racist than the whole nig. That's not okay. That's maybe more racist than the whole word.

That's like a shorter, faster version. Nig. You're not allowed to say. You're looking like the hottest 12-year-old Jewish kid I've ever seen. Either that or a phenomenal male gymnast. Thank you, thank you. To me, he looks like Louis J. got a sea monkey pregnant like 15 years ago. He looks like the leftovers of Blake Griffin.

Tony, if... Like they made Blake Griffin. They're like, let's fucking Danny DeVito him in twins. If you are half black, you give a whole new meaning to boy meets world. Boy meets girl. So what are you? What did we figure out that you actually are? I don't know yet.

That's still in the work in progress. But I've actually, I do know my daddy is blood. Well, I don't know him, but I've seen a picture of him once. What? Just once? That's him. That's enough. Go back to your room. I showed you your father. You look like a mix of

Peter Griffin and Blake Griffin. It's just his dad in blackface. This is why he's not here. So Elijah, your dad wasn't around in your childhood? No, not at all. Never met him. Not at all. What does your mom say was the deal with that? They just not get along? Was it a one-night stand?

She ever explain it to you? He picked somebody else over her. So we know. Wow. We know. We know. Wait, she admitted that to her own son? I know.

Think about how bad the real story is. I grow up fast. I grow up fast. Can you only imagine how horrible the actual story is if that's the version you got? If your mother's sweet love softens the blow by going, he likes someone else more. He left us for another woman. He got milk and never came back, obviously. My goodness. He picked

someone other than your mom. Isn't it weird? That's exactly what Lewis is going to do with you when it comes to the skank fest thing today. Must run in your family. So far, I think, I'm not even being biased, but Greg, the other comedian, I feel like his name is Neil but Greg, the other comedian, I feel like. Neil.

Neil was the other comedian. His name was definitely not Greg at all. Yeah, that's how Lewis covers it. Oh, I said the guy named Greg. No, Greg wins. Greg is the winner. All expenses paid trip for the guy Greg. My partners are going to be so mad that I promise this. Wow. So, Elijah, this is your first time on the show. How old are going to be so mad that I promise this. Wow.

So, Elijah, this is your first time on the show. How old are you? I'm 22. 22 years old. Look at you. Thank you. There you go. Yeah, there you go.

Why are they applauding? What? Why are they applauding for 22? I have no idea. It's very bizarre. 22. I don't know. I take where I can get.

Good to get out, I guess. You're from Los Angeles? No, I'm from Connecticut originally. Wow. So did you move from Connecticut? Angeles? No, I'm from Connecticut originally. Wow. So did you move from Connecticut? Huh? Did you move here from Connecticut? Sadly, yeah. How long ago did you move? Three, no, gladly. Three years ago.

Three years ago. It's a joke. What have you been doing for the last three years? I've been doing magic. Magic? Get the fuck out of here. Dude, Elijah. I did not know you dabbled in the dark He's a warlock when he was born. Are you really into magic?

No, yeah, I am. Can you show us, please, for the love of God? Can you please show us? Swallow this. No, no, no. Put the sword down. What? Stop having a sword.

You're not allowed to do that. Tony, he means the Orlando magic. Wow. All right, ladies and gentlemen, giving us a little. Who wants to see some magic, huh? What a great show to be on. Ladies and gentlemen, giving us a little. Who wants to see some magic, huh? What a great show to be on. This is going to be a one ticket to Skank Fest.

I just want you to know. We'll see after the trick. We have no magicians. If you can turn that napkin into a ticket to Skank Fest, you can keep it. Here, go ahead. Can you roll that up for me? You want me to roll it up into a ball? Roll it up into a ball. All right.

Here we go. Man, how creepy would it be if he did a trick and he's like, it's a picture of Louis' son. You're like, now you can't go to Skank Fest. All right, we got two little white balls, which reminds me, manscaped.com. It's all part of the book. All right, there you go. There's the ball. All you're going to do is you're going to hold out your hand for me.

Yeah. You're going to squeeze tight on this ball. I'm sure you're used to doing that. Yeah. You're gay. You want to fight, dude? Yeah, I do. You want to go? I lose. Dude, I'm sure you're used to doing that. Yeah. You're gay. You want to fight, dude? Yeah, I do. You want to go?

I lose. Dude, I will fucking choke slam you through a table. You promise? Just get it on camera. That's all I want. I have one ball in my hand. You have one in yours. Watch.

If I go like this, you guys are never going to forget this ever in your life. What is it? My birthday? Yes, it is. Happy birthday. Mazel tov. I snap just like that, and it jumps. They switch places.

Wait, what? What? What? It's a joke. They're the same. Wait, that was the whole trick? Oh, man. Here, look.

Okay, all right. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. I'm so angry. Hold on. Oh, I'm so mad right now. Hold on. We have to check in with, hold on.

Is magic supposed to confuse and anger you? That was the opposite of magic. We have to check in with the captain over here real quick. This is your captain, Fairfield speaking. We have a suspect of a known terrorist trying to hijack this show right now. Mayday, mayday. That's what you should say. I'll be back with you in a second.

All right, can I actually do it for you? Yeah. Elijah, do the fucking magic trick. Who wants to see a magic trick? Here, I'll take this ball. I'll hold on to this one. You're going to hold on to this one for me. Squeeze tight.

Here we go. Turn your hand face down. What in mind? Watch. I'm going to make mine vanish. It's gone. Right? It's gone?

Yeah. And it jumps in your hand You turn your hand You have both now Whoa He really does That's fucking good Wow look at that That was good

He did it This guy might be going to Skankfest Oh He might be going to Skankfest Charmed little fella Heck yeah I usually don't allow this during flights Skank fest! He might be going to skank fest. Charmed little fella. Heck yeah. I usually don't allow this during flights,

but napkin magicians are welcome in my cockpit at any time. Oh, look at that. You get to sit in the jump seat. Now for the ultimate trick. Tell us who your dad was. Can you make your dad reappear? Is that possible? What if he was just standing here? He just appeared

Ah, magic That's the captain I go home later tonight I'm like, why do I have two dads now? And why is one of them in blackface, you know? One of them's black Oh, shit Wow Look at that One of them's black. Oh, shit.

Wow. Look at that. Well, Elijah, I like that. So is magic something that you want to do professionally as well as comedy? What's the deal here? I've been really transitioning into comedy, but I want to try to combine both, break down the barriers. What do you do with your wand when you're transitioning from a magician to a comedian? Do you tuck it between your legs?

I got to cut one ball off, stitch it back up, and I use that for that trick, actually. Gotcha. You are one of the funniest sperms with hair I've ever seen in my life. I can say that. Thank you. Yeah. Only if my dad could see me now, you know? He probably is out there just like holy shit this is crazy as fuck

I feel like if Elijah was a foot taller He would really have something I wear stilettos on Tuesdays So I should come back later Elijah I actually have Something really cool to tell you You see that guy sitting right over there Why don't you stand up

That's your father right there, Elijah. Can you at least wave to your son, please? He won't even wave. Look where he's at. He still doesn't want to acknowledge you, it seems, Elijah. His dad was a pilot, too, because he was clear for takeoff. Wow. The captain's at full elevation right now.

All right. How about one more time for Elijah J. There he goes. He's on Twitter at TheElijahJ. All one word. Bam, bam, bam. Hey, can I grab another Maker's Rocks from somebody? Can I have a Coca-Cola because I have a problem?

Regular. Can I get a pack of peanuts and a Heineken, please? It's a solid order. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? You get it, huh? How about the people in the upper deck back there? How you guys doing, okay? It's a fucking bunch of goddamn tourists

is what it sounds like to me. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Benjamin Gordon, everyone. Here we go. Benjamin Gordon. Sounds. Here we go. Benjamin Gordon. Sounds like a newer name. It's in the very back corner. Wow, the deepest part of the corner.

All right. Here we go. Fly like an eagle. Let that, hey, hey. To the future One more time for Benjamin Gordon, everyone. How does anybody feel about interracial marriage, interracial couples? I'm against them. I'm against them.

I think they're fucked up. I think they're selfish because the parents have all the fun, but the kids have to deal with all the repercussions, you know? And, like, today, the combinations are too crazy, so it's like they're getting a pit bull and, like, a poodle and combining them. It's fucked up to the offspring. Nobody's with me. I'll explain myself so I don't sound like a racist. You can't tell from how I look or from my credit score,

but I'm Jewish. And, like, really Jewish. Like, I can speak a little how I look or from my credit score, but I'm Jewish. And, like, really Jewish. Like, I can speak a little Hebrew, bar mitzvahed, went to Israel, huge dick, all the stereotypes. And, you know, it's a messed up combination because I can't go anywhere in this country. Because, you know, as a Jew, I want to complain about so much shit. But as a black dude, I don't want to cause any trouble. And growing up, I didn't grow up in the best neighborhoods. A lot of my friends have apostrophes

in their names. And it made me different because I'm like the only kid in the hood trying to get bagels and lox at the bodega. My confidence is all fucked up because on one side of my family I'm the shortest guy. On the other side I'm the greatest athlete they've seen in generations.

There you go. Benjamin Gordon did it. Benjamin, is this your first time on the show? Wow. Well, welcome, welcome. That was great. I loved you as the second and third lead in the blockbuster movie Us out this week. You were great!

You look extra comfortable tonight, Benjamin. You always look so cozy. You always look like you just rolled out of bed after a day of napping. Yeah, he looks like Ziggy Marley just got an Adidas sponsorship. I didn't know the Predator owned sweats. Yeah, I like being comfortable.

First of all, I want to say I love Seven Dust. This is incredible. I feel like you might be the last comedian's father for some reason. Close to right on this? I'm here to pick up my boy. Just wanted to show him how it's done, you know? Dude, I respect the fucking casual approach

you bring to this show. As a guy who's like, fuck, I'm gonna go get some milk, maybe do a set on Kill Tony. I'll be fucking back before 10 o'clock. You dress at the comedy store like you're performing at the liquor store. Yeah.

Let me just run in real quick and do a set. It's incredible. Just doing a little pop in. Benjamin, you always this cozy? Or is that like part of your branding or look or something like that? I grew up poor, so I don't like nice clothes. What a sad answer. I don't know.

Can you not make it sad? It's a comedy show. Don't tell us you're sad. You're very quiet. You need to get that mic right up in your mouth. I like that Lewis went full gang counselor mode right there. Like, you're being sad for yourself. Prep up, dude.

I'm just saying, man. First of all, he had really good jokes. The jokes were really funny, but you were a little bit, your mic was away from you a little bit. The jokes were really funny, but you were a little bit, your mic was away from you a little bit. The jokes were really funny, surprisingly so, because I thought you were going to ask everyone for change when you came up here. I thought you were a soloist.

Yeah, dude, you had great jokes, man. You had, like, punchlines. You hit them. It was a good set. Yeah, you just got to make sure everybody hears you. How long have you been doing stand-up? A month. A month? Really? Wow. Yeah, you just got to make sure everybody hears you. How long have you been doing stand-up? A month. A month?

Really? Wow. Look at that. Well, there you go. You can learn things like that real quick on this show. It's a crash course in realizing that you're a little bit quiet on the mic. Before that, it was 20 years in the Dave Matthews band. Hey.

Jesus. That's great. So you've been doing it a month How old are you Benjamin? 25 You've been doing it a month, what do you do for a living? I'm a student What are you studying?

Life This plane will take off at boom ba clock That was good I like that. I studied film and writing at Emerson College. Oh, very cool. Very cool. You're from L.A.?

No, I'm from Connecticut also. Really? You're from Connecticut as well? Would never have guessed Connecticut. Where the guy with the missing black father is from? It's all coming together. But they're both half black and half Jewish. You guys are, right?

I mean, Elijah, that's a big hint. I'm guessing he's not carrying around extra cock meat, you know? Benjamin, you ever have any kids or anything like that? You have a girlfriend?

No? Single? You date You ever have any kids or anything like that? Not that I know of. You have a girlfriend? No. No? Single? Single, yep. You date a lot? No, I don't. I'm a weird dude. I can probably tell.

I keep to myself. Really? What do you mean you keep to yourself? What does that mean exactly? He jerks off a lot. You're very shy. It's called masturbation, Tony. Yeah, I can tell you're shy because you're so scared of the microphone.

Like, that's the... Do you keep on going down here? My bad. Yeah, I'm a little... I'm shy. so scared of the microphone. Like, that's the... Can you keep on going down here? My bad. Yeah, I'm a little... I'm shy. I think he was molested as a kid.

He thinks it's a dick. He's like... Wasn't lucky enough. If you're shy, that's perfect for one of the upcoming sales we have right now on Southwest

one way for $59. Shy. You look like what Michael Jackson's kids should look like. That is... Also, why do I feel like your yarmulke is Rasta colors? From my bar mitzvah, it was, actually.

So Jewish is what you identify as? That's my religion. Yeah, right. That's interesting. It just does not match. When you show up to temple, are they like, what the fuck? Yeah. He's like Hava Nagila.

Hi. Captain Fairbanks. Black and mellow, black and mellow, black and mellow, black and mellow, black and mellow. Wow. Man. So, Benjamin, when you say you're shy, when's the last date that you went on? Like about how long ago, if you had to guess? A date? It's been a little minute.

Like a year, probably. When's the last time you got laid? A month ago. Hell yeah. All right. Hell yeah. You get right to the fucking... So what happened a month ago?

You were at what? What happened here? How does that happen? You're at a what? A concert or something? You're selling weed in the parking lot. Or you're on a resort letting a lady get her groove back.

Tinder? Wow. So you're on Tinder. I'm on Tinder, yes. So what happened? You met this girl somewhere at a bar? Did she come to your place? You went to her place? She came to my place. She came to your place.

And that was it? You didn't even go on a date? You just said, let's hook up? I didn't say that, but that's what it led to. That's the way it works. I love you. So did you get what you thought was going to happen? Did she catfish you?

Or in your case, gefilte fish you? It was good. Yeah, it was everything you thought it was going to be. White check, right? It was everything I needed it to be. White check, right? Yeah, it was. Of course it was a white check. Wow, white check. Dude, I think you're slowly winning your way to Skank Fest.

And a possible devil's threesome with Lewis and his girlfriend. He's crushing white puss. This guy, right now, he's in first place for the Skank Fest ticket. Wow. Look at that. Right now, he is. Undoubtable. Look at that.

Turns out they don't have a shy black Jew at Skank Fest yet. You're filling a need in the diversity. Having a black and a Jew, that's it. That's all we need. We filled both of those roles. That's how I got into school. Filled a quota. That's perfect.

I heard Moses parted the sea because you couldn't swim. That's good. Wow. That's good on multiple levels. Hey, look at that. I love how racist Joel is. I never realized it. I like that guy.

Look at him. Yeah, Joel's gotten more racist since the last time you were here. And also, every time a racist joke is said, this black guy with a bald head jumps up and starts spinning around. Yeah, I love him. He's losing his mind. He's so happy about racism. It's the best. I love that guy.

It's like he's seen his life. It's so happy about racism. It's the best. I love that guy. It's like he's seen it live. It's like a monster truck ride. You should have seen the black guy when the magic trick happened. He went to 30,000 feet. All right. Well, Benjamin, did you have fun here tonight? You're in the lead for Skankfest. How does that make you feel?

Good. Thank you. There you go. Benjamin Gordon. Look at that raw excitement. He has no idea what Skankfest. How does that make you feel? Good, thank you. There you go. Benjamin Gordon. Look at that raw excitement. He has no idea what Skankfest is. This is the first time we've seen Benjamin since he broke through that Nike at Duke.

I like that guy. Only a month in also? That's crazy. Month in jokes like that. I'll tell you right now, we sort of failed to recognize how good his jokes were for a month in. It's one of those ones where you get a little upset. You're like, oh, fuck you. A month in, you're writing jokes like that? Yeah.

God damn it. No, it's great. Once he gets the technical things tightened up, you know, if he gets loud and owns the stage a little bit. How about one more time for him? Benjamin Gordon. Let's keep flying through it. Keep those hands a-clapping for the style of Kyle Kelly, everyone.

Kyle Kelly, here we go. Here we go. One more time for Kyle Kelly. What's up, everybody? I feel like there's a few things that we should start giving the death penalty for. Number one, if you live in my building and you don't clean out the communal lint trap for the dryer, you're a piece of shit, and I hope you get bed bugs. It's real.

Number two, vegans in high yoga who have the stinky, like, steamy broccoli pussy farts. I don't like that. Eat a fucking steak once in a while, please. Number three, people who drive big cars like little cars. The fact that you don't understand time and space annoys me, and I think you should be the one to change. I don't know. Number four, people who take up two spots on the street with one car. Yeah, I kicked your car last

Tuesday. Please do something. Number five, people who drive really loud cars even though they're only going 15 miles an hour. Your dick is so small, we should kill you just for that. And number six, people who drive in Hollywood on Melrose and take a long time to turn on their turn signal. I don't fucking like that. Thank you. Wow, Kyle Kelly. Hell yeah. Thank you.

This guy's coming in with some serious complaints, huh? You know what grinds my gears? Yeah, get your gripes out. Fuck yeah. Dude, he looks like every guy that steals your girlfriend. Where he's like, you don't listen to her, dude. And you're like, I'll fucking kill you.

And also every male gay flight attendant. Ah, look at that. Wow. Kyle, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, we've got a boner. One month as well. One month as well. Look at that. That's incredible. That makes more sense.

Yeah. Ouch. One month. All here in LA. You live here. Born and raised? No, I'm from Michigan. I did my All here in L.A.? You live here? Born and raised? No, I'm from Michigan. I did my first open mic Thursday. Wow. That's great.

Wait a minute. That's not a month ago. That's four days. Right. I tried getting up like here and then in the potluck. You've not been doing stand-up comedy for one month. So four days. Thank you.

Yeah, there you go. Four days. Now it's more impressive. Not bad for a Michigan person. So what are we talking about with these complaints? What do you mean turn signal on on Melrose? Help me out because I want to understand what you're talking about.

Let's turn it into a city council meeting. I might write a letter. Spotlock. So if you're driving on the road, right? And then you decide to turn left one second before you turn left and you turn your signal on one and a half seconds before you turn left, you're a piece of shit. I get it.

It's fucked up. Do you ride close to the people in front of you or something? Yeah, of course. So you're tailgating and you're complaining about them putting on their signal too late. It's L.A. It's not Michigan. You're a real tyrant. I mean, what are you... He's like Prince Joffrey.

You make a mistake and you die. Don't make a mistake. I'm the prince. You turn too fast. You upset me. You die. It's fucking annoying. It's a real crisis.

You're the prettier horse than I do. Daddy says I get the prettiest horse. You die. I'm sad. You die. That's how I feel most of the time. True. Kyle, why do you look like

you own three Vespas what are we talking about here what's going on it's just how I was born man you were born this way so you're a hip dude you play music or something like that no I'm so tone deaf really what do you do what are you into you just started stand up four days ago like what are we talking about

what was five days ago what was your thing there was something else There was something else. There was something else. That's before the boy band fired you, right? Yeah. Kyle, you can't keep up with the dance moves. I can't. I can't dance at all.

I teach yoga, and I train people. Oh, really? You teach yoga? Can you show us some crazy pose you know how to do or something? How many relationships? I teach it. How many of you want to see this guy do some crazy yoga pose? Yoga.

Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. I'll hold on to that.

I'll hold on to that. Don't dirty up your jacket. Here we go. Oh, he's doing a little baby stretch. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Oh. There you go.

There's the figure skater. There it is. Yeah. Oh, that was it? Yeah, that's it. I thought you were getting warmed up to do something crazy. I thought you were about to do something crazy. That's what people do.

Oh. Come on. Oh, yoga off. That's how it's done. Yoga off. Yoga off. Yoga off. Look at Redman. Yoga off. Yoga off! Yoga off! Look at Red Band.

Yoga off! Yoga off! Yoga off! Yoga off! Red Band, for those of you listening, Red Band stretched behind the table where you couldn't see him. A master of showmanship. He needed the chair to support his weight.

Red Band. Oh, Red Band, who's famous for being so flexible He can suck his own dick Did you hear that? It's true, in London Since last episode I wanted to do it again And this time I actually did it way more than last time

So I don't know if it was forhims.com or what But I actually could lick all around the hole Wow For real I believe you less than I ever did before I don't know if it was forhims.com or what, but I actually could lick all around the hole. Wow. But that's... For real. I believe you less than I ever did before. But that's only if he coaxes himself into putting mashed potatoes and gravy around it.

That's what I like. Big mashed potatoes. Anything evil stretch for those mashed potatoes and gravy. Kyle, you ever tried to suck your own dick? Other than the set that you did a few minutes ago. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Come on. He's a nice kid. He's a nice kid. Kyle, you ever try? Yeah, definitely. Can you get it in your mouth? Have you succeeded? No, I couldn't get it.

Are you on Yelp? Are you a Yelp reviewer? No. All right. Damn it. Are you on Yelp? Are you a Yelp reviewer? No. All right. Damn it. You keep skirting the question. How many relationships have you ruined?

I can feel it coming off him. Yeah. This guy does private yoga lessons. A few. How many ladies have you kept after yoga? Is that your main maneuver there? It's sort of just like, hey, Stacy, I'm going to need to see you after class. No, I met my girlfriend in yoga actually. Yeah? Is she here right now?

No. Oh, that would suck. Was she with another guy when you met her? I imagine she was here. No. No? You just saw her and you're like, I want to fucking I want to fucking. I want to give her the downward dog. Yeah. Hey, I'm Mark Wahlberg. Nice to meet you. Mark Smallberg Nice to meet you Mark Smallberg He was my size in the gambling

So Kyle what else are you doing here You moved from Michigan You live here now Did your girlfriend move with you from Michigan No I met her I have my yoga studio Oh wow you have your own yoga studio No the one I teach at is not mine

Gotcha What yoga studio. Oh, wow. You have your own yoga studio? No, the one I teach at is not mine. Oh, okay. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Oh, yeah. What's the yoga studio? Can you say what yoga studio it is? Urban Exhale on La Brea. That's all black people doing yoga? That's scary.

Is that in the middle of everything? Sort of like the middle where everything's crazy there, a lot of people walking by? Is it this part of Melrose down here? No, it's by Pink's. It's by Pink's. Oh, okay. Bunch of chili dog farts in that yoga studio.

Heck yeah. What does your girlfriend do? She teaches yoga. She acts. She does massage. You guys have some hot sex. That's very low body fat in that fuck sandwich. I bet she's so hot.

There's no way he's not dating a little tiny hot chick. Fuck you, dude. It's got to be super hot. Fuck you, dude. It's your birthday, dude. Calm down. I'm sick. Maybe if you bring him to Skank Fest, he brings her with him.

Will you bring your whole girlfriend to Skank Fest with you? Hey, you know what you could do? You could have like a noon yoga at Skank Fest. That would be fun. Dude, that would be awesome. Yoga at Skank Fest. One more question for you, Kyle. You do yoga. Your girlfriend does yoga.

You both teach it. You guys ever do that crazy like flexi tantric sex stuff or anything? You guys try weird things? Kama Sutra. You ever put it in your own butt or anything like that?

What are we talking about here? No, I've tried. Wait, you've tried to put it in your... What? No, come on. What have you guys done together? Anything crazy? That's called a round trip flight.

All right, Kyle. Well, congrats, man, for four days in. You're already on the number one live podcast in the world. So there you go. Alive on a Monday. Another day at the office. What song was that, Captain? Learning to Fly, Tom Petty.

Ah, Learning to Fly. Based on the life of Tony Hinchcliffe. But I don't have wings. Bow, bow. Wow. Every once in a while we get a name out of the bucket that is semi-famous from perhaps other appearances

on this show. This is one that is definitely famous right now. He has actually been the talk of this show for a while. You might know him as the guy who once owned a snake on a rope. Ladies and gentlemen, pulled out of the bucket, make some noise for Osiris Henry, everybody. Here we go.

Osiris Henry. There he is. Come on, good and loud. One more time for Osiris Henry. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you, thank you. So, uh, a couple weeks ago,

I got admitted to a psychiatric ward. Not fun. And I will tell you, when you leave, they don't give you a lollipop. It was really bogus, to be honest with you, pretty chaotic.

But I will say it was funny because the one thing no one there could understand was why I was vegan. So I tried to break it down for them, let them understand on their terms. I told them, guys, when you eat vegan, you got a ton of energy. You really don't get hungry, and you can fuck for hours. That's when one of the guys was like, hold up, hold up, excuse me,

are you talking about eating vegan or smoking crystal meth? Sad to say, guys, I'm not a vegan anymore, and I'm hoping to get some free healthcare from UCLA. They already promised me 500 bucks. Thank you.

Wow, okay. Osiris Henry. I'll tell you this. Wow. Everything you talked about seemed like it was very true. Yeah, it was like a MySpace journal post or something. It's incredible. You spent a week in a psych ward?

Yeah, yeah. I've been going through some crazy shit. Thankfully, it kind of tapered off, so I put it in joke form. Did you think it all started when your roommate made you get rid of the pet snake that you had on a rope? I definitely got the picture that they didn't like me. I don't know if it was a snake or not. That's possible. Wow, I don't even know what question you just answered.

That's incredible. Juicy fruit. So how did you end up going to the psych ward? Did you check yourself in, or what happened here? So I got poisoned by my roommates. Really? A dubious tale. Wait, is that when you got the idea that they didn't like you?

He goes, I'm actively trying to kill you. So you got poisoned. How did they poison you? What did they do? They poisoned my food first, and then after that. Wait, what? Yeah. What did they do to poison your food?

You seem like the kind of guy that eats rotten food, Osiris. So I'm just wondering, did they really, or did you just let the egg salad sit in the fridge a few too many weeks? What are we talking about here? What food did they poison? It was wild shiitake mushrooms. All right. Wait. Did the mushrooms tell you they poisoned it?

Yeah. It was, yeah, yeah. Somebody poisoned my mushrooms, man. Wait. Yeah, it's such a thing where everyone's like shut up Shut up Osiris Osiris That's why I ended up in the psych ward

So you ate mushrooms And they were supposed to make you trip And you think that your friends poisoned the mushrooms This sounds like 10% of my mushroom trips That I've ever had in my life So I think I'm pretty sure they were shiitake mushrooms, but it happened on multiple cases, and that's when I knew that it wasn't the mushrooms.

All right, let's just take it back a couple steps. Yeah, most definitely. You have the shiitake mushrooms. You're going to make a nice dish, a nice vegan dish with some shiitake mushrooms. Sure, correct. You're going to make a nice dish, a nice vegan dish with some shiitake mushrooms. Sure, correct. And then you eat these shiitake mushrooms and you feel poisoned by them.

Yeah, I was pissing out my ass for hours. When you say pissing out your ass, do you mean diarrhea or pee out of your butthole? It was definitely liquid. It could have been pee. I don't know. I was definitely, something was going on with my kidneys. That might be why

they call them shit talkies. He be pissing on his ass because he ate the poison shrooms. Uh-oh. Captain. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I ate the poison shrooms so I be pissing on my ass for days. Oh, no. Oh, no. I ate a poison shrimp, so I be pissing on my ass for days. Oh, no, no way. Oh, no, no way. Wow. No, no way. We've seen this before. This is the famous reggae snake on a rope reggae artist over there. Snake's on a plane today, Tony.

That was Chroma Chris for those of you listening to the podcast. Chroma Chris with a snakes on a plane super reference. He just graduated from flight school today. If you're wondering, that is the only thing he's said so far this entire episode.

Clearly ready to play a younger version of Sully Sullenberger in a... You know that's exactly what he looks like, by the way. All right. I have no idea who that is. Miracle on the Hudson. Anyway, there's a miracle over here, and his name is osiris henry uh this is incredible i i are you is that the clothes that they gave you at the psych ward by the way it's very michael myers type of get up you're wearing uh so you have a pair of scissors

in your pocket are you from the sewers i feel like you have a story about everything yeah yeah man like i'm i don't even know if i'm a good comedian, honestly, because I just talk about my life. No. No, you're not. It's part of the fun, really. We could... I spit truth. Oh, I spit truth.

A lot of myself. Osiris, so let's talk about it. You felt poison. You're on the mushrooms. What did you see? What happened? So, well, the mushrooms was like a long time before I ended up like having a real bad reaction. The time I had a bad reaction, I think they just like.

Just to get this clear, pissing out your ass is not a bad reaction to you. You know what? I was in between checks and shit, so I kind of just had to bite the bullet on that one. Dude, I'll tell you this. I'm tipping the cap to you. That's a guy that gets diarrhea, and he's like, I'm going to walk through this one. Sometimes you got to take a lap. Sometimes between checks, you just got to piss out your ass.

The life lessons I'm learning. So you're in the psych ward. Did you learn anything in the psych ward? What are we talking about? Straight jacket? Padded room? It was 5150. So it was three days I had to stay in. How did you get there?

Okay, so I got poisoned. It was like 3 o'clock in the morning and I was like the last time I got poisoned there was stuff in my coconut oil. The last time I got poisoned, there was stuff in my, like, coconut oil. Wait a minute. The last time you got poisoned? All right, moving on.

Also, he was bringing in coconut oil. This is a story. No, like, it could have been so much worse with coconut oil, but thankfully it was just in my hair. But anyway, so I thought my coconut oil was poison. Yeah. So I took a shower. No bullshit. Which you hate. Because I thought my coconut oil was poison. Yeah. So I took a shower. No bullshit.

Which you hate. Right. Because I thought it was a... That's how they got me. Something you only do when you get poisoned. You know, they might not even want me to move out. They might have just wanted me to take a shower. This is some real shit.

Dude, this is how you're finding out that your roommates wanted you to bathe? They poisoned you so you wouldn't bathe. They go, it's an assassination plot. Do you want to kill them? No. We want them to get wet. This guy stinks. It was just regular soap and it made your skin dry.

You should get ball wipes right now. We can get you some ball wipes, right? Yeah, you should clean up your job. A lot of people would be thankful for you guys. Really? Who are these people that would be thankful? People usually I'm next to the metro with. Like I'm assuming.

People with noses. Somebody did actually tell me last night, one of the guys that works in the kitchen Told me, Osiris That he spent, what was it An hour with you on a train or a bus Or something like that Yeah, yeah, super cool dude

His name was Adam Shoutouts out to Adam Cool dude, you guys got cool people in the kitchen Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure No snakes on a rope back there. So how'd you get out of this psych ward? What does that mean? What 5150?

What's the deal with that? What do you have to do to get out? To convince an American Indian to throw a water cooler through a window. Juicy fruit. Yeah, what happened? Did you have to separate from your talking volleyball? Well, fuck, man. Did you have to separate from your talking volleyball?

Well, fuck, man. Flight 5150 is clear for departure. I'm trying to remember. Well, the first thing that I remember when I went in was fucked up because I was trying to tell him I got poisoned. She's like, no, you weren't poisoned. You're fucked up. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not going to argue anymore because I'm starting to think I sound a little crazy so i'm gonna just be quiet and sit here right i'm just gonna sit here and bang my head against the wall yeah but they did we did group therapy at one point and i think they

were starting to get tired of me because like she was telling us of like what we we could do once we got out as far as being productive and whatnot. And then I asked her what her problem was, and she's like, she works too much and didn't have a relationship. And I was like, well, you should take something for that. Wait, you dickheaded your way out of the cycle? Yeah, I was really getting heated, man. I had to say something. That's hilarious.

The counselor was like, get this guy out of here. He's a dick. It's incredible i mean you have so much you're a vat of uh of of comedy gold but you don't ever you do it in the time that you're allotted like by yourself we always find out all this stuff about you afterwards you need to ask yourself these questions before and just crush because like someone saying if you would have come up here and you just said i just spent spent a month, I just spent a week in a psych ward. Yeah, I think someone poisoned my mushrooms. Like it would have, you, the way you look saying that,

like it would have destroyed. He would have had to try to follow that. And that's really what happened to you. You think someone poisoned your fucking mushrooms. Do you know how crazy that sounds? I'm starting to. Dude, I kind of like it. He's like a Rasta Larry David. What's the deal with my mushrooms? He's like, I'm not crazy. I should get glasses.

He kind of looks like Conor McGregor years after retirement. Yeah. You go to the woods to find Conor McGregor years after retirement. Yeah. You go to the woods to find Conor McGregor? He looks like Conor McGregor if he had to fight Khabib every month for the rest of his life. All right, Osiris. Well, I mean, always such an interesting and compelling interview. It'll be interesting to see. I'm sure you're in the running right now to possibly go

to a psych ward in Brooklyn, New York. Let me get it out. Who knows what could happen? It's a long metro ride, my friend. One more time for Osiris Henry, everybody. He's on Twitter at Osiris Henry. I'm going to leave it up to the

audience, by the way. I'm going to leave it up to the audience tonight. Oh, no Say that again? I'm going to leave it up to the audience tonight. Oh, no, I love that. No, that's good. That's a good move. Yeah. Also, can I get another Maker's Rocks, please? Can I have a Coca-Cola?

All right, your next... We got to get somebody good, Tony, because nobody deserves the flight. Really? So far What? Who deserves the fucking flight to New York City for a weekend? Fucking Eddie from Tekken You know what? Instead of going to the bucket right now, why don't we get our regular up here? Maybe that'll be the one I like the regular

Is that fair, though? Yeah, I mean, it's fair as fuck, dude He got himself in position't like the regular. Maybe that'll be the one. I like the regular. Is that fair, though? Yeah, I mean, it's fair as fuck, dude. He got himself in position to be the regular. If he ends up being you or the audience's favorite, then fucking let's do it. And let me tell you this. It's actually harder for him because he has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. And these people could be doing the best minute of their entire career. Who knows?

They haven't even met the new regular. The last regular I know is Malcolm, who I loved. What happened to Malcolm? Malcolm's a monster. He has a new album on Spotify. Just released a brand new album. Well, it's sort of my day right now. It's Louis J. Gomez.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's true. Louis J. Gomez. Oh, what a birthday, bitch. But we have a new regular who's been at it for a few months with us. He's literally one of my favorite comedians coming up. He's been doing it a while from Nashville, just moved to L.A. about a year ago. And we absolutely love him.

Make some noise for the great and powerful William Montgomery, everyone. Here he is. This guy's a monster. Here we go make some noise for William Montgomery everyone you think there could be less butter get out of my kitchen butter get out of my kitchen that is a phrase I used to say at a cooking

show that was my first just kidding April fools I'd like to give a moment of silence to a dear friend of mine we lost him his name is Westminster to give a moment of silence to a dear friend of mine. We lost him.

His name is Westminster Doorknobblers. We worked at a Sbarro together. April Fools, there's not really someone named Westminster Doork Knobblers. I'm pretty pumped. I finally got to see Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 last night, starring Helen Mirren. Spoiler alert, Helen Mirren is in fact the Rollercoaster

Tycoon. April Fool's, that's not a real movie. Wow, look at that. Coaster Tycoon. April Fool's, that's not a real movie. Wow, look at that. William Montgomery. You did it again. A hilarious set.

Westminster Door Knobblers. Where do you come up with this? When you think of door knobblers, do you remember where you were when you thought of that? That seems like an interesting word. Phoenician-esque. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's weird you asked. I literally, the first time since I've been out here, I was on a show on Tuesday, and they kicked me out of the place.

I was there. Joel was there. It was bad. I got kicked out. Yeah. Why? I was pissed. I was drinking a 32-ounce Bud Ice on got kicked out. Yeah. I was pissed. I was drinking a 32 ounce butt ice on stage. Yeah.

And they have a no alcohol policy at this club. And they threw me out. And I was like, that son of a bitch. Yeah. That's your brand. You're like Barbecue Fun. I am. I am.

That's the name of my first album, Barbecue Fun. Barbecue Fun is also a great name of an album He's also my favorite Matt McCarthy character Little inside, but it was good It's inside baseball I'm trying to understand it, Tony I'm trying to understand what it is He is a monster He specializes in doing the impression first

Well, he's definitely special And then he explains what the impression first. He's definitely special. And then he explains what the impression was of afterwards. Can you give Louis another example? This is an April Fool's special set that we just saw. Obviously. If you want to do a classic, you can just do it again. This is more of a

showcase for Skankfest. This could be your chance to go to Skankfest, my friend. You would fit in very well at Skankfest. Yeah, I emailed you and I didn't get a response. Oh! Yeah, it's bullshit. Yes! I emailed you like a month ago trying to get on.

I am in love with this black guy in the middle of the room. You might be a bonfire sponsored fucking guest. You submitted? I did. I submitted. We didn't even pick the submissions yet, dickhead. Oh! But I like his fucking fire that he's got. Yeah, he does. He's got it.

Tony came right at me. I like it. Hold on, let me do my best impression. Yeah, do it, William. I just spent $30 on the ecstasy. The least you can do is buy the movie tickets. That's an impression of my uncle in 94 before he went to go

see the movie Speed. That's great. I like it. Pretty good. I love it. I love it. I say, Louis, you need to check your fucking emails. This guy's going to Skank Fest.

Here's what I like about this guy. He breaks all the rules. They say no fucking shorts on stage. Yeah, no sandals. They say no sandals. They say no redheads. These are rules that we have in comedy. Are you somebody that wears shorts and sandals when it's 20 degrees?

Are you one of those guys that's always wearing shorts? I hate those people. Are you one of those people that's always wearing... I hate those people. Are you one of those people? Wow. I am. Weirdly enough, I grew up in a place called Quebec in Canada. Super cold up there. I would... Man.

It makes sense because Canadians always do weird fun. Americans do weird scary. Like all Americans that are weird it kind of gets scary, but when Canadians are weird it's fun. Yeah, it's like curling. Yeah, it kind of gets scary. But like when Canadians are weird, it's fun. Yeah, it's like curling. Yeah, you're like, what is this? This is cute.

This is adorable. Sweeping ice. I'm just blown away by whatever it is. And I understand why he's your regular. Yeah. It's so hard to put your finger on. But he is undoubtedly hilarious. You can't teach hilarity like that.

I don't know. He could be doing comedy for 20 years or three days. You can't teach hilarity like that. I don't know. He could do a comedy for 20 years or three days. I can't tell. Yeah. I have no idea. Oh, that would really chap Tyler's ass if it was three days. It's like an Asian woman's age. You're like, who knows how old this woman is.

William, I think you're on a roll of getting this. Will you give us another example of another impression? Impression, explanation, second, impression first. I'm white with black stripes. That is the racist zebra. Zebra? Wow, the crowd's going crazy for William Montgomery. He might be going to New York City.

All right. William, everything good at the self-storage unit that you work at? Of course. Of course he works at a self-storage unit. Hold on. Work slash lives at. I bet you could cut a master lock with ease. Yeah.

Yeah, we have a saw, a battery-powered saw we use to cut off the locks. We charge $25 normally. I hope my boss isn't watching this. I just tell the people, give me $10 cash. I'll cut the lock off. They're going to make it in this business, dude. And I think it's going to be with a podcast about locks. Yeah.

Think it over. I'll produce it. There you go. Lewis will produce it on Cast Digital. Cast Digital Network. Let's do it. All right, William. Well, my guess is that you're pretty far pretty in good position to maybe go to New York.

Who knows? We're going to have to see at the end of the show. There he goes for now. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Doing it again. Every single week. Another new minute. You know what?

You know what? That reminds me, actually. I want to do something sort of special and fun right now. How many of you guys have been listening to this show for a long time? Tonight's a special night. We actually have someone here who has not done a spot on this show for a very long time. At one point, she was a regular on this show, and she has not been on it in years. You might remember her as a project that we gave ourselves. She was a regular, and she was so

deathly nervous that she could barely talk and would self-destruct during the interview portions, and it was always pretty much a train wreck. After she was no longer the regular, she continued to travel the entire country. She worked herself to the bone. She's been doing the road forever. And she's back to give us a new minute. Make some noise for former regular, Melissa Esslinger. Melissa Esslinger is here.

There she is. First time in years. I drive a Fiat because duh. I bought it at Toys R Us. I drove off the lot. I got out and people were like, yeah. Makes sense. When I get stuck in traffic, I just pull it out and put it in my pocket. What? What?

You put a car in your... I break for butterflies because I have to. There are seven airbags in that tiny little car. If those deploy, I deploy. I saw a Fiat with a tow hitch. Just pulling a little red wagon.

An officer pulled me over once. He was like, do you know why I pulled you over? I said, no, sir. He said, you're swerving. I said, no, the wind is blowing. Also, I, sir. He said, you're swerving. I said, no, the wind is blowing. Also undrunk. Hey, now. Melissa Esslinger. Coming back strong. It's been a

long time. When's the last time we saw you? Two and a half, three years ago? Two years ago. Sorry, in Arizona the other day. Yeah, that's true. A few weeks ago. Okay. She was at the Phoenix show. Yeah, that show a few weeks ago. Okay. You didn't see her? Yeah.

She was at the Phoenix show. Stand-up live? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's fun. Where do you live now? Albuquerque. Albuquerque.

The home of Breaking Bad and things like that. Yeah. All right. That was a good career move, LA to Albuquerque. Yeah, man. I like to start backwards.

How did you, why Albuquerque? At first, it's like to start backwards. Why Albuquerque? At first, it's because my parents live there. I'm not from there, but they live there. Netflix bought a studio and I'm getting work and I'm happy. Netflix bought a studio in Albuquerque. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself

that you're happy. Everything's going really good. I'm okay with that. I'm making way more than I ever did there and I'm paying less than I paid here. That's great. Yeah, that's great. And stunning sunsets every night. Every goddamn night.

That's cool. What's the comedy scene like in Albuquerque? It's small. Yeah? You go up a couple times a week or something? At most. Do you really have a Fiat? I do.

Wow. How long have you had that for? I bought it right before i moved here the first time so about four years about four years you really like it it's all right okay i don't really know much about fiat so tell us more about your time away from the show you did the road for a while right you go on some crazy tour i did i did a like go fund me and i got money to go on the road and i did it. It was fun. What type of people?

What was the thing? Give me money and I'm going to go on the road. Give me money and I'm going to live my dreams. I pretty much said that. Did you have to show them pictures of your feet or nothing? No. She would have said you used underwear as the top if you donated $25. You're telling me a dude's giving money to go on the road without any...

That's what I would do. Yeah. What was the top tier? What did they get if they donated? What was the highest amount? What was the reward that they got? I didn't offer any rewards. No rewards.

Just pay to live your dream? I just posted... You selfish whore. I was up front. I said what I was doing doing and people gave me money. Guys are idiots. We really are the dumbest species in the world. I literally said I'd like to travel to these places in this amount of time and I need this much money.

How much money did they pay you? I got $1,400 in eight days. Wow. Get money. That's not bad at all. Look at all the girls like, yeah, you in eight days. Wow. Get money. That's not bad at all. Look at all the girls like, yeah, you go, girl. Yeah. Let's get that money.

Imagine how much more you would have got if you would have shown your feet. I know, right? That's true. I don't know. Probably a couple. Look at those hoops. Anything crazy happen on the road or since we last saw you? Anything wild?

Run anybody over? You seem like the person that would run someone over with your car. I think I wouldn't notice, most likely. One laugh. One laugh. I don't know. I'm really happy. For some reason, I couldn't handle living in L.A.

It just made my head sick. Are you dating somebody out there? I am. What's the story with this guy? Where do you meet him at? Non-binary. What? Relax.

Would you meet him on your GoFundMe? He's the one that funded the road trip. He's a Fiat mechanic. I'd like to donate $1,400 to your he was obsessed with her Fiat my Fiat send me a picture

of your Fiat is it real? I want to see it what does he do? he's a comedian and a social worker and he does wrestling shit oh wow he's a comedian and a social worker, and he does wrestling shit. Oh, wow. Wrestling shit's fun.

He's a silly guy. There you go. Well, Melissa, it was fun to have you back. Yeah, thanks for having me. There you go, a new minute for Melissa Esslinger. Former Kill Tony regular. What was that? What just happened? Smash Mouth.

Oh. I was offspring pretty blind for a while. Pull another name out. Make some noise for Moe Barclay, everyone. Moe Barclay. Come on. Moe Barley. Moe Barkley. Where the hell's Moe at? No Moe.

Wow. Blacklisted. No Moe. What are you pointing at, lady? Why were you pointing that way? Do you know Moe? What the hell is this lady pointing at? I don't know.

Just a crazy woman pointing. All right. Let's do Mikey Campman, everybody. Mikey Campman. Where's Mikey at? Mikey Campman. Mikey Campman. David Deary, what'd you do with these people?

They're disappearing. Dang, I know that guy. He's funny. Sucks. Blacklisted again. How about Steve Lee, Kill Tony legend Steve Lee. We know Steve Lee. I know Steve Lee. Yeah.

There he is. That's from that ledge my friend with the shoe and step back from that ledge my friend guys how loud can this place get

for the great Steve Lee? Give me ten more minutes to roll this back, guys. So I was born and raised in Hong Kong. When I was born, my parents were living in a refugee camp. And they told me that story, I was sobbing. I was like, I learned something. People fuck in refugee camp, guys. Are you done? I have one minute, right? 30 seconds.

And then I was around six years old and there were a lot of school, they rejected me because they were afraid I would fall down, and my parents were going to sue them. My parents were totally going to sue them. All right, cool. Do you want to finish it, Steve, or is that it? All right.

It's kind of long. Just let it go. All right, Steve Lee. There he goes. Thank you. It's kind of long. Just let it go. All right, Steve Lee. There he goes. There you go. Fuck yeah. Steve Lee. Captain, what do you got for this guy?

Yeah, why does he look like a taxi cab driver who ran over himself? Wow. Perfect. Wow. That is incredible. Perfect. Wow. Wow Perfect That is incredible My favorite joke that's ever been said Ever anywhere Yeah that was incredible So Steve Lee you're back again You've been on the show a few times

Always a killer, always fun, another fun one Thank you Actually I have to thank you Because two years ago I was about to quit. And then you had that patio talk out there with me. Like, hey, you're funny. Don't quit. We all are depressed.

Just keep going. What were you going to quit? Tying your shoelaces? No, he was going to quit comedy. Way to ruin a moment, Louis J. I'm sorry. I didn't know what he was talking about. Why do you and Tony have the same facial hair?

Your shitty facial hair. Learn to grow a mustache. Wow. So, Steve, now you're... So, you've been doing stand-up full-time And you're having fun with it And I'm actually doing more stuff now I took acting classes

Singing classes And I just finished my solo show Singing classes? Can we get a little example? Yeah, what's Yeah, Steve, we just need a little Come on, just any What song would you sing? Also, I will say, Steve, we just need a little, come on. What song would you sing?

Also, I will say, Steve has sexy woman hands. Hold on, wait. Just wait on the woman hands. He really does. I mean, it's crazy. I would take a hand job from Steve right now. Not even kidding. I agree.

I mean, if I give you a little of that, can I go to you? They look so soft. Look at these hands. I guess you're going to Skagfest, dude. Beautiful, dainty, hairless fingers. Yeah, it's incredible. Like they've never done anything but strokes. Yeah.

I actually have one. I always keep one of Steve Lee's hands on me at all times. I have one here right here. It's one of my favorite things. I just carry Steve Lee hands around with me. Sometimes I put them on and I do little impressions of them like this. Like, oh, me bury whole microphone. I don't know.

Tony, that's weird. I keep one on me too. Oh, yeah? Oh, look at that. Yeah. We're all big Steve Lee fans. A lot of people. Maybe that's my next merchandise.

That should totally be your next merchandise, dude. Seriously. Okay. Anyway, so Steve, we were just about to hear you sing. What are you going to sing for us? What are you going to sing? Give us a little... Give us a... Hold on. Give us a little warning.

I'm learning this... Maybe the band can back you up if you tell them. Is it an original? I'm learning this song from Adele. From Adele? What's it called? Adele. What's the name of the song?

I don't remember. You don't know? Great. You look like a movie. You sound like a song. You sound like a song My God, this reminds me When we were young When we were young

Oof. Yeah, look at that. That was good. That was good. That was good. Why would you do that? Sensual son of a bitch. And then I'm doing a film challenge,

a film competition for people with disability. Oh, you're going to dominate that bitch. Please tell me it's MMA. And I'm actually producing the film project, and I got a feature film director working for me. Wow. So I'm like a little Stevie Weinstein out here. And you'd actually like to

offer Lewis a spot on that competition. A clean house. Oh, Lewis is getting those octagon eyes. Look at how the rattlesnake's coming out. The Puerto Rican rattlesnake just eyeballing the captain over there. Does not like that the captain made a joke about Lewis being disabled at all.

No, no, no. I am not disabled. Right. That's something a disabled person would say. Yeah, very much so. Tony, thank you very much. We saw you. Lewis, we're very happy you live on your own.

We're very proud of you. You make money, and you have your own life. It's great. Thank you. Steve Lee. Wow. That's incredible. Are there swords in those canes?

More like RPG. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Machine gun. You see this, home? Yeah. Oh, that would be terrifying. If it actually was, seriously, it's a gun. Can you do an impression of a machine gun, Steve?

Can we see that? Can you? You have to have a good one at this point. Like, you don't do this at home, at the TV? No. Come on, do it. You're really underusing your grudges. Steve, can you do crazy cool moves? You can do moves. You're really underusing your crutches. Steve, can you do crazy, cool moves?

You can do moves with your... I'm really faking this to get a good parking, so... No, but come on. You don't sit at home with that? Steve, you're faking this? Holy shit. Oh, dude, what if he fucking Kaiser-Sosade his arms straight? Steve just has his friends bash his arms with sledgehammers.

That's like something about Mary? Do it! his friends bash his arms with sledgehammers. Something about Mary? Do it! Steve, you ever fall or anything, like, uncomfortable happen? Anything crazy? You ever, like, fall down a bunch of stairs? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. Tony, security, we have an unarmed Asian man. Is that the next role that I'm going to play? Like, just fall down stairs? Uh, sir. Steve, you're probably going to Pratt Falls now, right? Sir, we're going to have to escort you off this United Airlines flight. Oh, yes.

Yes. Look at that. God damn it. He's good. Heck, yeah. Steve, what else in life? Anything else cool happen you have a girlfriend or anything like that

you ever been kicked in the shin by a bully or anything like that what else is going on in life so singing lessons acting lessons what else I don't know jerking off at. Jerking off at home. Jerking off at home. With those sensual ass hands?

I bet you are. Oh, my God. What do you do? You do like a two-handed jerk? Like a thank you, thank you, thank you. Are you kidding me? Lays in the ground and just spins in circles. Those fucking hands.

Can I demonstrate with the mic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Show us with the microphone. Are you going to make the mic come? For those of you listening to the podcast, here's the mic. Oh, like you're not curious. Wow.

Yeah, dude. That's the move. It must feel like you're fucking velvet. The crowd goes crazy. Is that the move, really? He showed us genuinely how he jerks off, clearly, with the microphone. Is that really how you jerk off? That's fucking incredible. I will open hand high-five

you. Hell yeah. So am I going to New York with you? No, but that was really incredible. You might be in the top three. We're going to do the top three. Lewis says he's going to let the audience vote on this. Who knows what's going to happen. Captain Watkins.

Yeah, it's Fairfield. So could we get a step-by-step instructional video of how you do that? Because it happened so quickly, I couldn't see it. Well, that part's quick. The first ten minutes is him trying to unbutton his pants.

Imagine what the cleanup's like. Oh, shit, he's on a mission. No, fuck that. He's like, you hold Mike, what me dick is. Oh, this is a reenactment of the Robert Kraft experience. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast, Steve Lee's hands are turned up like Paul Bearer holding an urn.

Oh, yeah. Wait a second. My Undertaker comes. Oh, look at that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Oh.

It's unbelievable. A lot of lawbreakers in here. Wow. Steven. Just when you thought you've seen it all on Kill Tony, you see Captain Jeremiah jerking off an Asian handicapped man.

Honestly, sometimes we have moments on this show and I go, what the fuck is my life? I know, it's crazy. What is happening? I literally had that when he first did the jerk off thing with the mic and I looked out in the crowd and the look of just, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, the audience was outgoingly, aggressively laughing, like, exhaling a lot.

You don't get to see. And a guy just showing us how he masturbates. Is that? Well, seeing a different technique to a fucking, that's insane. That's the, that's the, sir, Sir, may I please have more? You fucking dirty bitch. This is exactly what a pussy feels like.

If it had two tiny hands stuck inside of it. What's your favorite category of porn? What do you go to? What's your go to? What do you watch? Ali Wong in reverse? It's not pregnant anymore. I really like all kinds of things.

Yeah. Maybe like, I don't know, like MILF. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, he absolutely knew it. Yeah. I don't know. Like MILF.

You got mommy issues. I'm just going to take a stab in the dark. MILF. How old are you, though? I'm 41. I don't know. Gangbang? You're 41? That's just going to take a stab in the dark. Milf. How old are you, though? I don't know. Gangbang? That's just like women your age. That's not... They don't want to call it unfortunate lady.

No, but I liked Milf when I was in college. It kind of stayed there. Is that the only thing that's wrong with you, though? Is your arms? Alright, Lewis, let me ask you something. Why is it that you think that you like MILFs?

What is it that draws Steve Lee to liking an older white woman with kids? Mommy issues? Yeah, mommy issues. Your mom broke your hands when you were young. Alright, I want to fucking hear his answer to the question, believe it or not, you dirty fuck.

Is it true that your mom broke your hands when you were young? Because I'm just saying everything else is perfect about this man. All right, so tell us why you think you love older white women. Come on, tell us the truth. You never said white. I didn't say white. That's what MILF is. MILF is, no, if you want a black older lady, you type in black older lady.

MILF? MILF is a dominated... That's a dominated... That's a white women thing. I don't think they are. That's the hockey of porn category. Can I ask the Apollo 13? Is there such a thing as black MILFs?

Ebony MILF. I guess Aphrodite might know the answer to... Megan Soda! Forget it. What you say, baby? There would be, but you can't tell how old they are, so it's just, you know... They could be anywhere from 12 to 37. That's true.

Very good, Joel. The audience didn't hear it, but it was great. He said the black milfs could be from 12 to 37. Young mothers. And that's just their waist size. Whoa. There it is. There it is.

Right there. Yeah. Well, Steve, I mean, your set tonight was unbelievable. I mean, I just love you. I always have. You kill every time. And, you know, I meant what I said about, you know, not giving up that night that you were telling me that you're thinking about hanging up the crutches. You know, I said no.

You got to keep doing it. You're funny. You kill on Kill Tony. He's just keep pulling over and over again. And people that kill on this show do really fucking good out there in life. You know, you can set it to a clock. You know, you got Malcolm Preacher, all these people. Yes, Aphrodite is doing really good.

Jeez Louise over there. It's a wild dropping eggs over there. So there you go. So Steve Lee. So what should we do? Get everybody back up here, you think? Like, how do we do that? Do a voting process, Lewis?

I think you have to pick the top three? I say one more. Fuck it. One more name! One more name! One more name! One more name! You know what?

Where'd Steve go? Did he go? God, it takes him 30 minutes to get him back up here. No, no. Do you know who your top two is? Let's just go that way. I think I'm going to go with my top three. Okay, top three. So let's get these top three.

So I like the regular redhead dude. Right, William Montgomery. William, are you here? Somebody grab William for us, David Deary. I like the dude that's been doing it for a month, the black guy with the dreads. Yeah, yeah, the dreads guy. Wow, look at that.

See, that one surprises me. I thought you would have given the guy with the snake on a rope another chance. This is William Montgomery making his way back up. Wow, the dreads. Backpack now. Yeah. You're in full fucking drinking at an outdoor concert now. Did the dread guy leave?

I mean, you know what? Let's go with Steve Lee. Let's go with Steve Lee. Steve Lee, get back up here. Oh, come on. He just got down the stairs. Oh, jeez. It's almost mean that you're like,

let's bring the guy that has the hardest time with stairs back. No, not Steve Lee. Let's get somebody else. Oh, come on. What are you talking about? No, don't do that. Hey, can anyone fucking cool off some water outside and have Steve? Poor Steve Lee.

All right. Poor Steve Lee, by the way, is what happens when you think Dr. Ken is a real doctor and you go to him. All right. Well, it's a good one. All right. So let's do it. We'll do audience vote, right? Shall we do it? You guys want to decide this thing or what? All right. well, it's a good win. All right, so let's do it. We'll do audience vote, right? Shall we do it?

You guys want to decide this thing or what? All right. Audience decides. Yeah, and also vote fair. The winner of this gets an all-expensive paid trip to Skank Fest. Yeah. Two spots on showcases. Kill Tony, the regular spot on Kill Tony probably.

We'll figure it out. Something like that. Something like that. Hotel airfare. That's Moe? What? Right, Benjamin Gordon. Yeah.

They're yelling one more joke. What do you think about that, Lewis? Listen to me. This is the fucking King Tony Hinchcliffe show. So however he wants to do it. I like that. I like that. And why don't we do one more quick joke each to close it out?

A short one. Like a one-liner or something. If you don't have one, I mean, you know, whatever. But that's, you know, that's what it's about. So here we are. We're in Kill Tony Overtime for the first time ever. One joke. William Montgomery looks like he's walking up to the microphone.

I didn't even tell him who's first, but he's ready to drop the hammer. Let's do it. William Montgomery is in Mortal Kombat mode right now. Here he is. I, uh... Do you not... Why did you... I, uh... I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep

on her side of the bed. Good. Yes. Yeah, Willie. A William Montgomery classic. Willie! Here he is in overtime. Benjamin Gordon, everybody.

Here we go. I think it's easier being a woman in this country than it is being a black person. Alright, I'll explain myself. Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner, right? Six months later, woman of the year. Six months. Not even a full year. All she had to do was be a woman.

Woman of the year. Rachel Dozo raised two kids in a black household with a black father. Was the head of the NAACP in her city. Donated money to black causes. Still not considered black by anybody. There you go. Good joke from Benjamin Gordon. Following through.

And, may I say, showing us the adjustments he made from the minute. The microphone was closer and we were in it. So that's an interesting thing. Agreed with the note. Your final comedian, Steve Lee. I'm not disabled. I'm just made in China. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, shit. He's got a standing ovation. Look at this crowd. Look at this fucking crowd. Steve Lee's getting a standing ovation here. This place is chaos. Look at this fucking guy.

This fucking guy unbelievable I didn't even get to record that I'm such an idiot unbelievable so I guess this is it right how many of you think it was Benjamin Gordon how many for William Montgomery?

That's a big pop. How many for Steve Lee? I mean, that's it. You should say it. Ladies and gentlemen, and your winner, all expenses paid, trip to Skank Fest, which is cheaper because he's disabled. I will get a discount of sorts without a doubt at the hotel and on the airfare.

Steve Lee. Steve Lee is going to Skank Fest. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Wow. Unreal. unbelievable wow unreal how about a hand for the great Luis J. Gomez for making that even possible huh I'm telling you

the king of New York one of my favorite humans and we're going to be back at Skankfest having a blast get Luis J. Gomez presents Luis J. Gomez guys his special came out today. It's available at gasdigitalnetwork.com.

And then, of course, how about another hand for the great and powerful Dan Soder, everybody. Bonfire on Sirius XM, Monday through Thursday, every week, 3 to 5 p.m. Tickets for Salt Lake City and everything at dansoder.com. Look at this amazing drawing by Ryan J. Ebelts, everyone. Those are for sale at ryanjebelts.com, including the new Kill Tony tour poster is available at ryanjebelts.com. And we're going everywhere. If you've tried to fast-forward through the beginning of the episode, I got bad news for you. forward through the beginning of the episode, I got bad news for you. Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake

City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Kansas City, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York. You're all coming up in the next couple months on the first ever Kill Tony Summer Tour 2019.

St. Louis this Friday, though, or Thursday. St. Louis this Thursday, West Nyack the Thursday after that. Make sure you get the new Feminist Stacey t-shirt for another week and a half. It's on pre-sale at JeremiahWatkins.com. Check out his haircut. Yeah, he's got a new haircut, everybody. Jeremiah cut it down.

And I'm sure there's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out right now. Yeah, there's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out with Daniel Van Kirk out now. And then follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp and go to JeremiahWadkins.com like Tony said for the new Feminist Stacey shirt. Ends in a week and a half so get it while you can right now. The guy went one for one tonight. All grand

slams. How about a hand for Sully over there. Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris doing what a good pilot does, just leaned on his experience, only did what he had to do, kept it on autopilot, but also saved the day at one point. How about one more time for Captain Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. Mostly sorry on social media. Thank you to Ludwig. What else, Joel? Yeah Thank you to Ludwig What else Joel?

Yeah thanks to Ludwig Shout out to the sponsors And happy birthday Louis Yeah happy birthday It's Louis J Gomez's birthday And here he is Taking people to New York City So cool man

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And if you use promo code TONY15, you're going to get 15% off anything you order. So once more, that's peoplesbeefjerky.com and use the promo code TONY15 for 15% off. All right, thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody. See you guys.ご視聴ありがとうございました you