KILL TONY - KILL TONY #338 - WEST NYACK

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Luis J Gomez, Kim Congdon, Joel Jimenez, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/11/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows. You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store, but we just started this huge tour. We're going to be at La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, so many places. And if you want the whole entire list, just go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates.

And there you can have all the information, all the entire list of our tour and tickets. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the Golden Pony, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books, and everything. Go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. You can get Kill Tony shirts there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff, all designed by me at shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey,

this is Redman coming to you live from West Nyack at levity live for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. West Nyack, New York. We made it. Make some fucking noise. Wow. Can you feel that Palisade Center energy here tonight?

Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys? Wow, isn't this exciting? Do we have a lot of names in that bucket this time? Yeah, we do. We have a bunch of names. Everybody signed up. This is the official, what seems to be the Heineken West Nyack bucket of nobody made a bucket.

Oh, wow. So a normal old bar bucket here. Back to our roots, Red Band. Yeah. Last few road shows, people have made us buckets in the different cities that we've gone to. Yeah. Not here in West Nyack. Not a lot of artistic people out here. None of that real Nyack pride that I heard so much about.

You heard that? Yeah, I heard, you know, we're here. By the way, we are live from the eighth largest mall in the United States of America, the Palisades Center. You know what, Tony? I hate to break the news of the West Nyack people, but I just looked up an updated list. They have now moved down to 13. Whoa, Palisades. It just happened after being mentioned on Kill Tony.

They dropped. Wow. Palisades. It just happened after being mentioned on Kill Tony. They dropped. Wow. Palisades Center, or as I call it, White Trash Heaven. I mean, let's face it, we are live. The Palisades Center, just in case you ever need to go to a Target, a Best Buy, an Orange Julius, all at once. You know what I mean? I got to get these errands done. I got to get a tire check and an orange Julius.

I'm excited to be here, though. This is the fucking, this is the love that we have for the Amazing Kill Tony fans. Look at them out here. It's the trip that we're making. We go on the road all the time. That's proof. Luckily, our next trip is a lot like West Nyack. It's La Jolla, California.

Just like it. It's pretty much the same thing. If you compare it like heaven and hell, you know what I mean? It's like how those are the same thing. You know what I mean? No, La Jolla is on the beach right by Mexico. No wall to block the sun. So it's going to be

a fun trip. And then this crazy tour just keeps going. Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis,

and then Poughkeepsie, New York just got added. Wow! Wow! Look at that! We got then Poughkeepsie, New York just got added. Wow. Wow. Look at that. We got some Poughkeepsie. Wow. Look at that. And then the tour takes a little break after we go to New York, New York, the Gramercy Theater.

Yeah. And then we have a whole weekend at Skankfest after that. Yes, Skankfest. Skankfest is sold out, so get into the Gramercy. Yeah. And of course, we have Kill Tony Mania in Sacramento and San Francisco

in October, and we're back at the Comedy Store every Monday, so if you guys here in West Nyack ever get bored on a Sunday, you're like, you know what, I'm gonna swing in

one night only. You can bet that that would be a good decision. I would bet on that. And so would I, which reminds me, today's episode is brought to you by BetDSI.com. BetDSI has over 20 years in the business. They have a reputation on fast payment of winnings,

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The freaking Super Bowl, the NFL playoffs, March Madness. All of his picks are right. What do you think is going to happen in the upcoming sporting? Well, I think Tiger Woods is going to win the Masters for sure. But that's just obvious, right? There's one guy that agrees. Looks like Tiger Woods is going to win the Masters for sure. But that's just obvious, right? There's one guy that agrees. Looks like Tiger Woods, actually. And Lomachenko.

Oh, yeah, that's what I was talking about. We'll knock out Corolla, Adam Corolla. No, don't say Adam Corolla. No, that's kidding. Corolla. These are real picks, Brian. You came up with these yourself. Yeah.

Rockland Boulders will win in 35 days. Rockland Boulders will win in 35 days. Rockland Boulders fans out there? No Rockland Boulder fans out here? Jesus. There we go. Minor, minor, minor, minor league? Come on. How about that one? Guess what, guys? I don't know if you're a fan of

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But, you know, we're a little bit anxious. The travel gets to us. You know what I mean? And it's a real dippity-doop. You know, we'll save that. Let's keep moving through this part. Okay. Alright, cool. Guys,

we're live in West Nyack, and unfortunately, I'm gonna let you know, for those of you that don't know, you insiders that don't follow that closely on the internet, the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins got a huge opportunity working on something in Los Angeles, so he couldn't be here tonight, our good friend Jeremiah. But this is a positive crowd, right? This is – oh, you guys all came for Jeremiah?

All right. Anyway. for Jeremiah. All right. Anyway. But luckily for you, we were able to bring one other member of the band for you, Wes Nyack. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. You love him. It's the one and only.

And every week, he commits to being a different character. I don't know what he's going to be on this episode. I'm always excited to see him. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Wow. Here he go. Wow. Here he comes. What's he going to be tonight?

Wow. Whoa! Wow. A kung fu master, clearly. I believe we've seen this character before. Definitely a kung Fu master. And wow, look at that. Brought to you by Ludwig Drums.

Look at that. Wow, incredible. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is here, ladies and gentlemen. You might be wondering, hey, is that a Kung Fu master? And from the bottom down, my grandmother? No, it's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Joel, what is your name tonight? I am Master Jim.

Master Jim? Yes. Wow. How'd you make it all the way to West Nyack? What's the story here? I did a flying crane kick. Is that what you sound like? I've been overdubbed for the U.S. market.

That's what you sound like? I've been overdubbed for the U.S. market. All right. Well, you know what the show is? You excited about this? All right. Well, and how many of you are Big Kill Tony fans, huh? Yeah. Kill Tony fans, huh?

How many of you have been listening for a long time? Huh? Wow. A little flute whistle over there. Wow. Wow. Are you summoning a snake onto the stage? You'll know it when you see it.

Well, congratulations to you guys for being fans of this show, because then you probably know that we normally don't even have guests on the road shows at all, and it's so hard to keep a secret nowadays with all the paparazzi around and everything and the internet. But I'm happy to let you know that we do have two guests tonight, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Luis J. Gomez and Kim Congdon, everybody. Wow. Luis J. Gomez has his brand new special that came out this week.

He's coming fresh off of being on Kill Tony two weeks ago in Los Angeles. And look, former regular Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Guesting on the show. This is very exciting. I think this is the first time Kim's been back since the show, right? Yeah, it is. That's crazy. It's been like four years. Wow.

It's been a long time. And this is, you know, Kim was basically the, what would we consider that? The first, second, she was right there. One of the first two regulars. First season, I guess. It was my first night of stand-up, ever. Wow, Kim started on Kill Tony, everybody. How exciting is that?

I just turned into Brody for a second. Kim started on Kill Tony. Yeah! Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. All right. The soundboard makes me sad now. Luis J. Gomez. This't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. All right. The soundboard makes me sad now. Louis J. Gomez. This is my hometown.

I worked in this shithole in high school. How about that? Born and raised in West Nyack. In the Palisade Center is where he spent most of his days. Yeah, this place sucks. You guys should all leave right now. You're the fresh prince of the Palisade Center. Louis J. was raised on spilled orange Julius.

I don't know why I keep referencing orange Julius at this place. So I'm excited for you. Louis' special just came out. Kim's here. We have Red Band, and we appear to have some type of kung fu master. I was summoning the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Tony. Oh, wow. You were summoning.

That's crazy. I didn't even make that connection when I said it. I did. All right. Well, I have a bucket with a ton of names in it. I'm fucking excited. It's always these fun road episodes where we get to find some real interesting characters

out there. And sometimes we find heroes that could be the future. Special needs heroes. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else

you're going to bring out the angry Palisade Center bear. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's at the H&M. Oh, now it's at Forever 21. Oh, my God. Outback Steakhouse. Whoa.

Lucky Strike. Oh, my God. It's in the parking lot. Get out of here. Get away from me. It'd be funny if an episode that just ends, the bear killed Tony and we just run away. The whole time it was the gay bear. All right.

How many of you ate an edible before tonight's show? Wow, look at that. What a fun. How's that you ate an edible before tonight's show? Wow. Look at that. What's up? How's that for a little fun fact? So I guess entrances are allowed on both sides tonight. We got double wing. Wow. How about a hand for Levity Live, making it fireproof.

Amazing team here. Joe, Jeff, Matt. I think I forgot one of their names. You guys ready to start this thing or what? Here we go. It's Kill Tony Live from Levity Live. Let's get it going. I'm excited about this.

From the 13th largest mall in motherfucking America. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Renee Stanko. Here we go. Wow. Someone we go. Wow. Someone's excited. She's got a big supporter out there.

I'm excited for this. Come on, make some noise, Wes Nyack. We're here. Nyack, how's it going? Dude, does anybody out here hate jogging? Fuck that. I hate jogging, just if you guys wanted to know. My favorite jogging technique is just to like pull out a pack of cigarettes and blow smoke into the jogging path. Because if I'm

not the fastest jogger, I'm going to be the most intellectual. Right? I'm going to say things like, like, oh, your youth is always one step behind you. And you can't run away from your problems. Yeah, it's hard to be a jogger like me. It's really difficult. My family's planning a trip to London. The only issue is that my mom's idea of a British accent is like, it's not okay. She tried to do Adele talking about the Albert Royal Hall. And she was like, you know Adele.

You know how she's like, the Albert Royal Hall. Like, I can't take you. I can't take you to London, Mom. I'm sorry. So guys, how many pussies is too many pussies in bed? One too many if it's named Fl and it eats fancy feast yeah there you go wow damn there you go renee stanko getting it started hell yeah damn i love you this is my first time seeing you do stand-up since you were in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

It was a hit. Yeah, no, I know. It was a hit. How are you, Renee? I'm doing fantastic. How are you guys? How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year or so. All here in West Nyack?

Or you live in a certain area? I live around... What floor of the Palisades Center were you born on? Zara, duh. It's the classiest. I think it was the Torrid. Do they have Lane Bryant here? I don't know what the reference is.

The plus-size store. All right. All right. Oh, shit. He's amping up over there I love how she's not even fat but now all the other fat girls in the crowd are going Holy shit, I don't want to go up there

Yeah, you don't This is going to be a plus size Listen, that wasn't great Okay What do you want me to say? We're going to sugarcoat this? She would love that. I would.

Hey. Hey. All right. Why do you look like the hostess at a pizza restaurant? Is the red turtleneck your Steve Jobs thing? Is this your Elizabeth Holmes? She always wore a red turtleneck. There's like steve jobs thing is this your like elizabeth holmes like she always oh there's a new vibrator hostess that's not even this is crazy yeah when i had a feeling that when i said my big fat greek wedding like everybody would start

going with fat jokes but that's not really what I meant. I was really making fun of your nerd head that you sort of have. You know what I mean? How I could see you with glasses on, you'd seem a lot nerdier. I don't think that she's fat, but she does look like she sells blowjobs on Etsy. They're artisanal. They're artisanal.

They're handmade. What do you do for work? Tell us more about you, Renee. What do you do for work? They're artisanal. They're artisanal. They're handmade. Headsy. Headsy. Tell us more about you, Renee. What do you do for work? You are from here in West Nyack? I'm from upstate. Yeah.

How far upstate? Canada? Like an hour. Hour. An hour. But I'm originally from... What's the name of that city called? Beacon.

Whoa. Did you say bacon? A lot of Ric Flair fans from Beacon. I'm originally from Ohio. What part of Ohio? Columbus. Wow, look at that. Red bands from Columbus.

Damn, where I'm from. O-H-I-O. What part of Columbus were you from? Dublin. That's where I'm from. Uh-oh. What? That's where I'm from.

Heck yeah. You guys both look like you've been doubling your orders for breakfast. You know what I'm saying? Hello. Well, that's a Sawmill Road thing. Oh, Sawmill Road. They had the best Chipotle. Yeah, that's true. You got up in Swansea, didn't you?

I did. Wow, look at that. You are a wise ninja. I love Drunken Master, by the way. That's like when Jackie Chan was his hottest. That's what I am. Why weren't you Jackie Chan? Uh, because I'm not

Asian. Renee, what do you do for a living? Um, I'm an artist. I do, like, freelance work. You make money just making art? Like, paintings or what? Yeah, I do, like, surrealist paintings. Etsy! I told you. That's crazy. How long have you been doing that for?

You know, I got a BFA from Ohio State. Oh, no CCAD. You got a big fat ass from... CCAD. It's okay. Stolberg. It's okay. Stolberg.

Sorry, we started off real mean backstage, so I just brought it up here. It's okay. You're not fat, but these are going to continue the whole time you're on stage. Just understand that. That's the angle we're going for. That's okay. Not for me.

Let the record show, I'm actually rocking my Ohio State socks right now. How about that? Representing. Yeah, I save my Ohio state pride for uh for my for my socks i don't wear an entire turtleneck of uh the colors of ohio so renee how'd you end up out here um oh dear i was uh beacon new york like it seems like a place the sopranos would go to get rid of a body there's a lot of bodies over there.

I was trained as a glass blower. Yes, you know that hit Sopranos music. Nothing better than the theme of Sopranos after the Sopranos. No, she said the bodies. That's why I said it. I wanted you to keep going with it. It was great. The hit show, The Sopranos.

What is that? Right, right, right. I know that you can play it. That wasn't the point. All right, so what happened? All right, I was trained as a glassblower, so there's a glass company out there. So I was making, like, lighting fixtures.

Wow. Joel happens to have a glass penis he'd be happy to let you blow after. I'm okay. I'm good. Thanks. Do you have a boyfriend? I mean, I'm dating. Whoa.

I'm dating, so it's good. It's good. What does that mean? You're just slotting around on Tinder? She might have a girlfriend. Okay, Cupid. Okay? Okay, Cupid.

What's the difference? What's okay, Cupid? It's nice. It's pretty okay. I've gotten like a couple weird. What does your bio say on it? How do you portray yourself? Not much, actually.

Come on. It must have some funny quip. Like, if you ain't hitting, you best be shitting. It's really... I don't know. It's super minimal. It's just like artistic, funny, nice, something like that. Wow, just lies.

Guys don't care. It's not a lie. What kind of picture do you have? I'm nice to you. What kind of picture do you have up there? It's one of me in front of one of my paintings, and then me grimacing, and then another one of me trying to look active.

I don't know. In the painting that you're standing next to on your main picture, is the painting of a picture of a girl less pretty than you? You know, maybe. Maybe my painting's not as good as I'd want to. I don't think I said it the way I wanted to. It just came across as me calling you ugly again. This has taken a turn.

I hate it. So you do glassblowing, but you also do painting. So you do, like, all the whole thing of art. Do you do ceramics? Like, were you trained on painting in school or did you? Um, I'm like, so Ohio state has a great glass program.

Uh, and so I was mostly involved in that. There's a great glass community in Ohio. Uh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Do you literally sell blow jobs on Etsy? Do you make weed stuff?

Do you make, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, like, my blow jobs are not that great. Like, what blow jobs? Was that set on or what? I couldn't sell them. First bit of advice in this industry is don't ever say that again. Okay. Okay. What are you trying to do?

When you say that your blow jobs... I'm just being honest. When you say that your blow jobs aren't that great, what do you mean? What makes you say that? She drags her nose all over the dick, I can tell. Oh, come on. I don't know. It's not great. I get really nervous, and then I try to say facts.

Like I'm doing some sort of TED Talk. Oh, yeah, you're not supposed to talk while the dick's in your mouth. Give us an example of what kind of facts you've given people during a blowjob. I'm just like, did you know that the penis was made out of 500 muscle strands? It's not sexy. It's not sexy. Wow. Can you give us another one of these?

This is amazing. I want to make this a regular segment on the show. Can you give us another example of fun facts during a blowjob? Did you know that most of us are related to Genghis Khan? Oh, he went soft on that one. Yeah. They usually do.

She meant Genghis Khan. Yeah. That's funnier than anything you just did. Yeah. That's good shit right there. We also didn't make that up. You say dumb facts while you give shitty head. Thanks.

That's good shit. That should be what you're talking about. Thank you so much. I don't even know what the fuck you were talking about before it was psychotic. It was like a crazy person. Your hair's all fucking messy. You're talking about...

I have no idea. I was afraid of you before, but now that I know you give shitty head and you say Snapple facts during it, that is a legitimately funny, unique quality. You should write that down and go and work that material, because that's something really good.

I'm glad I... How about one more for the road? Can you give us one more good fun fact? This is a segment that only happens with you from now on. Okay. Make sure you remind me of this if you ever get pulled out of the bucket. And I love how she also pantomimes like she can't blow, so she's jerking him off to keep him.

It's fucking great. Everything is great about this. So this is good fun facts during a bad blow job with Renee Stanko. Here we go. Did you know that faux-cest, like incest, has gone up 178% since Pornhub started producing it? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I came too fast.

What did you say? What's faux-cest? Faux-cest. It's a type of porn that's produced now because Americans are really into incest porn. All right, all right, all right. Now can you repeat the joke from the beginning with one more bad blowjob? Okay. Faux-cest is a type of porn produced in California, and it's up 178%. It's also known as

FOSES. Should I call Alexa? Why would you do that? Also, Tony, how tall are these guys? Right. Are they always on the top bunk of a bed or something?

What's going on up there? They're all black guys. I get a lot of black guys. Wait, what did you just say? What? Is that? That's just a thing. I didn't hear you.

What did you say? Nothing. I didn't say anything. Oh, all right. You guys heard me right. You know this is a live podcast. Yeah. It's okay.

Well, you got the show kick-started tonight. A lot of fun during the interview part. Well, thanks so much for doing this, guys. Thanks for listening. There you go. See, you got to ask yourself the tough questions. Like, if I think I give bad blowjobs, what is... How is she talking during a blowjob?

Is she chewing it on, like, gum or something? We don't even know what else she's doing during that blowjob. We got one answer out of her. There could be many more things. By the way, it looked more like a handjob than a blowjob. The amazing thing would be if she gave the fun facts during the actual blowjob. Is it a little bit of a blowjob? A blowjob.

She has a puppet on her hand. Put your hands together for Jack Stannard, everybody. Here we go. Jack Stannard. Wow, here he comes from the back middle of the room. Wow.

Here he is. Wow. Here he is. Wow. Jack Stannard, everybody. One more time for Jack Stannard, everyone. Hey, guys. I'm not a comedian. But this isn't a comedy

because this is a mall so I guess I don't know I came here with a couple buddies of mine who are comedians and they got really nervous about the bucket thing and I just talked about

how nervous I was and my one buddy was like yeah he's not even but I'm just nervous at malls in general I'm serious like I walking in here this is terrifying to me and like the only other feeling other than terror when I walk in and anxiety is just like depression like there was a guy getting a soda next to the map of the mall. And it just made me sad.

And I don't understand why. Basically, when I walk into a well-lit retail environment, I feel like the scene in a zombie movie when they know there's a grocery store and they need to go in and get food, but there's a fucking zombie in there. And they're like, no. I just get really nervous. Wow. All right.

Jack Stannard. So let me get this straight. You've never done stand-up. You had no plans of signing up here tonight, but you came with comedians that got scared and didn't want to sign up. And you're like, I'll fucking show you, you idiots. And then they didn't sign up, but you came with comedians that got scared and didn't want to sign up, and you're like, I'll fucking show you, you idiots. And then they didn't sign up, but you signed up? No, they signed up.

I just totally stole a comedian's spot. By the way, you're going to make it in this business. Yeah. You probably did better than me. That is a microcosm of everything.

This is it. You deserve it. I appreciate it. Literally in three years you're going to be jerking off at women in green rooms. Worst ways to wind up, I guess.

So Jack, I mean, I'm interested. So you decided this when? On the drive here? When you got here? In line. To sign up? When you got here? In line. To sign up.

I decided in line to sign up. Have you been a fan of the show for a long time? No idea? A friend brought you here? I've never listened to the show, but I've... You're a dick. It's awesome. But I...

What made you come here tonight? How were you? Literally walking around the fucking mall? Tony, his friends who really want to be up here made you come here tonight? Were you literally walking around the fucking mall? Tony, his friends who really want to be up here made him come. And now they're watching Furious. He did great. He's never done this before. He's better than them already at it.

Yeah. And by the way, another thing, he's the only one that still knows where all of Walter White's money is buried. Oh, I thought that was Eric Stoltz from Pop Fiction. No? The red? Never mind. There's a couple more that I get all the time. I haven't gotten Eric Stoltz.

Really? Well, yeah, because it's not the best. I mean, it's not 1998. No one's ever seen Mask with Cher, and he has that elephant face. We know who he is. All right. Look at it.

He looks more like if CM Punk lived in West Nyack. You're the funniest Vincent Van Gogh lookalike we've ever had. There's one more that I get a lot. Yeah, what is it? A piece of shit? What is it? Oh, okay. What else do people call you?

I get Ron Howard a lot. Ron Howard, yeah. What do you do for work, Jack? I work as a camera person, mostly on television commercials. Really? Where do you live? I live in Stanford, Connecticut, and I do most of the work in Manhattan, obviously. Wow.

Stanford, Connecticut, the home of the WWE. Yes, indeed. Wow, that's incredible. You don't do any work with them? Not much. I have a couple times. I did a job for them. We were shooting gift cards.

It was a commercial for gift cards, and it was like a tabletop shoot of gift cards. It was a commercial for gift cards and it was like a tabletop shoot of gift cards. Oh, yeah. And they did this at a studio in Manhattan and the entire crew was from Stanford. Yeah.

And so were they. Did someone get thrown through that table? No. No. That would have been cool. Jack, tell us some fun facts about you that might be interesting, that you might talk about if you ever were to do stand-up comedy again. Let's just throw it on you now that if you had to write in one day, if you had to write a 30-minute special,

what type of things do you think you would talk about like what type of topics like what are things about you or your family or anything about you at all focus aperture I'd probably hobbies or anything fucking anything interesting about you is what I'm trying to... There's nothing interesting about me, man.

Come on, Jack. I can honestly tell you. How'd you start your... What's the first thing you did when you woke up this morning? Jerked off. Fuck yeah, doggy. Why are you thinking? Like, what do you even have to think about right now?

Stop looking at the ground. Look at me. To answer your question... Stop staring at the fucking gymnasium floor over there. All right? You're having, like, childhood flashbacks right now. I am. Honestly, generally, I'd probably go political.

Political? I would definitely. Yeah, I'd talk about politics maybe. I don't know. If I were doing comedy. Let's go back. Right, right, right, right, right. Let's go back to my most recent question.

Your most recent question. What did you do today when you woke up? First thing when you woke up today. Tell us how you woke up. Tell us anything you remember. So I woke up. I woke up and generally when I wake up, I freak out like the Wolverine and jump out of bed like a lunatic. And then what do you do?

What do you do when you jump out of bed? Or is that it? Then after that, you just go back to sleep. It takes me about 10 or 15 minutes. He pushes a bullet out of his skull. Yeah. It takes me maybe 10 minutes to get my shit together.

What does that mean? What do you do for that 10 minutes? I'm not good in the morning so I'm kind of like a combination of you remember that video of the kid who went to the dentist and his parents filmed him? This dude's into some weird shit. David after dentist. Basically, yeah, basically who went to the dentist and his parents filmed him on YouTube. This dude's into some weird shit. That's true.

David after dentist. Basically, yeah, basically I'm like a combination of that kid and Kanye West. And Hannibal Lecter. I don't want to know. That's not what I'm asking you. You're missing the fucking question here, Jack. All right? I need you to listen to me.

Look at me. Up here. Keep looking at me. You want to look at that ground so fucking bad. Stick with me. Up here, Jack. I'm asking you specifically what you did

to start your fucking day today. You got up out of bed, not like Wolverine. I don't want to know your analogies. It was a lot like the commercial with the kid that goes to the dentist's office. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Jack. I need you to tell me what the fuck you did and what you mean by it takes me to listen. I need you to tell me what the fuck you did

and what you mean by it takes me 10 minutes. What are you doing during the 10 minutes, Jack? So I woke up in the morning and the sky was blue as the ocean. Hit me with it, Jack. Tell me how you felt. This morning I woke up, I got dressed. In your eyes, tell me what happened to that.

And I left as soon as I could because most of my place was empty because my girlfriend moved out. Because you were trying to tell a story. Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, he's not. Are you? Are you trying to tell a... Keep going. Keep going.

Your girlfriend moved out, you said. God damn it. Wait. Really? Is that true? Hold on. Jack, stick with me up here. That's it. Wait, really? Is that true? Hold on. Jack, stick with me up here. That's true. That's a true story. When did your girl leave you? When did this happen?

This past weekend. It's because she asked what he wanted for dinner and he couldn't answer. How long were you with her for? About three years. Wow. Here we go. All right. with her for? About three years.

Wow. Here we go. All right. I was able to somehow find an underground tunnel to this fucking storyline. That's why he didn't want to look you in the eyes because he was about to break. That's right. You couldn't fucking go through the fucking machine. The big golden machine.

You can see why I was avoiding that particular question. Don't you think it feels good to talk about it? Face this audience. Don't you think Jack's a good-looking fucking guy going out, taking chances? He's out on a Thursday night. He's at the number one live podcast in the world. Obviously a pretty smart fucking guy.

What are you sad about? The reality is there's probably a couple hundred people at least in this crowd right now There's probably one slut From Garnerville Who would suck your cock tonight To make you feel better You know what I know one chick That'll give you a blowjob and tell you fun facts

I would learn a lot Let's make this shit happen Did you know that Fosest Fun facts at the same time. Let's make this shit happen. Did you know that focest has gone up 75% since incest happened? So you're a few days in. It's been hard on you, huh?

The news, it's a tough time. A little bit. And look at you, though. You're out here taking chances. Why do you think she broke up with you? Did she find someone else at work or something like that? Some douchebag? No. I mean, she may have, but I don't really... Yeah, no, she did.

Yeah. She did. She's getting... Right now. Right now. She's at the BW3s against the wall, right above us, getting pounded by some guy. Right now. No, I'm kidding.

I'm joking. She's covered in orange Julius. What did she tell you? Very good, Jack. What did she tell you was the reason that she wanted to end things? She wasn't very clear on much. So you guys had a lot in common. We had a lot in common.

I knew that was coming. Did you go through her phones or do any of the fun stuff? Do you have her password on Gmail that you can track her? Jesus Christ, no, I don't. I should get into that. So maybe she had yours. It's too late now. Yeah, it's over.

Was it just like, did it get volatile at the end? Did you know it was coming? Was it just like, did it get volatile at the end? Did you know it was coming? No, I mean, I knew a couple of weeks beforehand because she said she was looking for places, and I hadn't gone looking for places with her. Wow. This is a weird fucking place to be having this conversation.

No, it's great. Look at you. You're fucking smiling, talking. Don't you think you're going to feel better after talking about it? It's much more interesting than the other shit we were talking about before. She said, she goes, I just can't look at you the same after Nate Diaz choked you out. Oh, yeah. It's true.

A lot of people say Jack is the Conor McGregor of the Palisade Center. Short circuit, is there? To be honest, you're probably the most talented outregor of the Palisade Center. Short circuit is there. To be honest, you're probably the most talented out of all of your friends. It's like crazy that you just randomly got up here and you're good at it. And that's kind of how comedy starts. And you should quit everything and do this. There you go. You know what?

I'm with her. Have fun with yourself. I'm excited about you. Obviously, Destiny, there's a lot of names in this buggy. You could say that you took a spot from somebody else, but something made you want to try, and Destiny brought you here on this moment, and maybe it's something just like,

or if it's not this, then it's an omen for you to keep doing things because obviously you're getting lucky. So use that momentum. And right now, don't even think about the guy that she's getting fucked, right? Doggy style. Yeah. Like, just pound it out. Yeah.

He's just fucking really ramming it into her right now. You're embarrassing yourself. This is going to be a big regret for the rest of your life, this whole experience. Yeah. She's having a great time in Spring Valley with somebody right now. Wow. A lot of references. I don't know what any of these places are, but I picture a lot of, like, wooded areas and creeks.

If it's anything like the rest of New York. There's a lot of black people in Spring Valley, Tony. That was the joke there. You know, you could also find your destiny at Flash Dancers NYC. It's only 23 miles away. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Her name's Destiny.

There he goes, Jack Standard, everybody. One more time for Jack. Thanks, guys. We did it. Spending a lot of time with these people. I've got to start getting through this. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Sean McGuire, everybody.

Sean McGuire. Here he comes. Sean McGuire. Come on, good and loud. One more time for Sean. What's up, Nyack? Greyhound bus. Fix your fucking electrical outlets!

So... I look like a discharged musketeer. Who opened up a skate park with a weed dispensary on the side. So, it's a little heartbroken that, you know, my man R. Kelly released the album The R back in 94, 95. I thought his crowd was a little more PG-13.

On that album, he had a memorable track. It was titled Etc. Go ahead. Were you done? Did you want to finish it? Go ahead. Were you done? Did you want to finish it? Go ahead and finish it, Sean. Set it up again and then finish it. Thank you, Tony.

He had a song called Etc. And he's just basically singing about how he's dicking some broad up and down, left and right, fourth dimension, fifth dimension. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And he takes her to IHOP and she can have anything she wants. Oh, God. Was that it? Was that the joke?

I don't know what's going on anymore, Sean. Forget it. Wow. Let me guess. You came here on a Greyhound bus. Sure did, Tony. You came out guns a-blazin' with that joke, expecting the crowd to be like, No!

No expectations. You look like you bring your phone charger everywhere. Where did you come from on a Greyhound bus? From Philadelphia. You look sort of like a Greyhound bus? From Philadelphia. You look sort of like a Greyhound. That's the crazy part. From Philadelphia, yeah. From Philadelphia, wow.

You've been on the show before, right? Yeah. The Rubik's Cube guy? Not the Rubik's Cube guy. What are you? You look like it. Remind us of what we talked about when you were just on. He was on an episode, right, a couple weeks ago in Philly?

That's right. Yeah, what happened? What kind of magician did I call you? The one who doesn't have a crystal ball with him. Who should be behind one. I didn't say. No, mine was better than that. It was. It had to have been.

It was way better. I probably said you look like a magician that would suck people's blood or something like that. I don't know. You look like a magician who's making his hairline disappear. There you go. Yeah. What he said.

What did we talk about last time you were on? Remind us of the interesting parts, Sean. Yes. I did a little bit of yoga for y'all on stage. Oh, really? What did you do? I did crow to handstand and I kicked Jeremiah on accident. I'm a barista Monday through Friday.

I fry chicken and donuts on the weekend. You look like Captain Morgan after rehab. Heck yeah. I love it. Well, Sean, here we are again. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just like half a year. I love it. Well, Sean, here we are again. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just like half a year. Half a year.

Something you seem to be doing quite seriously, taking bus trips to West Nyack. How much is a Greyhound bus from Philly to West Nyack? It went to the city. It was $12. Took Metro North, $9. How much is a ship? I sail ye Hudson River.

I travel all the way from the far land of Philadelphia. Is that your soundboard? Do that again. You look like you steal... I'm like, which one of these people made that noise? You look like you... Arr! I'm like, which one of these people made that noise? You look like you steal stinky booty.

Arr! I eat the booty! All right, Sean. You look like you use the hard arrr! Yes. Arr! I eat the booty! At the place that you work at, that you make fried chicken at,

what type of people eat there a lot? I just said it hard. Can you give us any descriptions of the type of people that eat at your fried chicken place on the weekends? Oh, my God. It's just... It's mostly Plats Just a lot of

A lot of Philadelphia Italian Irish folk It's in the center city area So I'm not at the location in the hood Or in the college towns Whoa easy Sorry What was it that you wanted to plug in

How long was that trip from Philly to West Nyack that you needed to plug something in? And was it your phone? No, nothing. Plug nothing. So you really weren't that mad that the portal wasn't broken? His digital scale? No, no. I wasn't mad.

Wasn't mad. So what made you open with that tonight? What made you... Did you really think a lot of people came here like can relate to the Greyhound problems? Enough. Enough, people. Is that what you think the Kill Tony fan base is?

How many of you came here tonight on a Greyhound bus? Don't say A if you didn't, motherfucker. I'm gonna check your ticket right now. A.

You look like Duncan Trussell and the guy who sells him acid. Wow. So what made you start with that tonight? Why did you feel so passionately about it to talk about it first? After literally taking a greyhound here from Philly, you talked about the greyhound.

He needed somewhere to plug his jewel. It was just a thing that happened today and it was like a part of the day I wanted to just fit into the minute. You look like a Shakespeare never did shit. Do you have any hobbies or anything? What do we know about you?

So I'm about to pay my tuition to be a beekeeper. I believe I can fly. Wow. How much is beekeeper tuition? How many gummy bears do you have to pay to become a professional beekeeper? You do look like if Dave Grohl was a beekeeper. Yeah. From the Foo Fighters to the Goo Fighters, that honey is sticky.

It's two easy payments of $720. Wow. That's crazy. You know you could just buy honey. I know. You must know a lot about... Can you give us any fun facts about bees while miming a hand job with your other hand?

No, you don't actually have to try it. That's someone else's. So the Bayer Pharmaceutical... Wow, that is a crooked... What is that, a banana? That is an arch dick you are jerking off, sir. It looks like you're fist bumping. Wow.

All right. So what made you want to become a beekeeper? Tell us about this amazing story. So, yeah, I just fucking care about the environment. I've been looking at this. Gay. I've been interested in this program for a while, so it's about time I get serious with my beekeeping.

I hope you get stung to death. I hope you get attacked by 400 fucking honeybees and they sting you to death. I hope they're Africanized. As they're trying to buy fried chicken. You're like, arrr! Arr! Hey! Alright.

There he goes. Sean McGuire, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. He got on in Philly a few weeks ago. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? It's magical. Anything can happen. How many of you like it when comedians do good

on this show? How many of you like to see people bomb up here? That was almost bigger than St. Louis. Wow. Exciting. Make some noise for Pedro Garcia, everyone. Pedro

Garcia. Here he comes. More time for Pedro, everybody. Yo, what's going on? All right. So I've been thinking a lot about gang rape in jail. I don't know. I just feel like it's weird. Sometimes I wonder, would there be a hero? You know, like the guy gets behind him. After everybody's done, he just goes, I'm getting you out of here.

You're safe. Cool. Anyways, would he back out like an old-timey back hostage? Like, man, see, nobody move. If anybody's going to fuck this guy, it's going to be me. You'll never catch me alive, copper. Some shit like that. I don't know. That's fucking gay.

But anyways, yeah, I'm done. Fuck yeah. All right. Pedro Garcia, everybody. Wow. Damn. Nice of you to take a break from making women squirt to be here tonight. What the fuck, dude?

I literally never felt more like a booker where I'm like, you're gonna make it, kid. You've got fucking everything. You know it's bad when you see the Kung Fu Master finger-banging himself during someone's eyes. He's got a whole drumstick in his butthole right now For you podcast listeners

The best part was before he came up here He did a big sign of the cross Get the fuck out of here Really? So gang rape Oh my god You thought God was gonna help you On Kill Tony at the Palisade Center, bro?

He's like, what's that in that corner of West Nyack right there? Pedro needs my help. I feel like God's been on his side for a little while now. Yeah, my goodness gracious, Pedro. Are you actually religious? I don't have a religion. I just believe in God. Wow.

Hell yeah. What a fucking hot answer Don't make squinty smoky eyes at me when you're answering my questions It's not gonna work on me you fucking scumbag You see when he went here like I don't believe in God I just believe in you know energy

Wow Pedro you are quite the specimen. I don't even know what he said. He started humping the pole and that was it. I was like, well, it feels like longer than a minute. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? How long have you been doing it? Five months.

Five months, hell yeah. Look at you. Wow, unstoppable. You know, everyone give him a standing ovation. Hell yeah, look at you. Wow, unstoppable. You know, everyone give him a standing ovation. Did you decide to do it after you lost to T.J. Dillashaw?

Yeah. He looks like Cody Garabland. Brand, but it was a joke. This is what the Diaz brothers would look like if they had vitamins as a child. You look like John Nice Leguizamos. Nice Leguizamos. Nice Leguizamos. Kung Fu Master.

Where do you come up with this stuff? Pedro, you have a lot of tattoos. There's a lot of writing on your arms. It seems like you are in good shape. You're physically, you go to the gym regularly. What do you do for work? I work at, oh, I can't say. I work at a corporate office.

A corporate office. Wow. Say it. Say it. Say it. I already know. He's like, fine, with Tyra Banks. Let me tell you what this is. I know what he's doing right now. He says he works in a corporate office and then you hire him and he strips off

all the tie and everything. Yeah, exactly. Just rips it all off at once. All right, Pedro. So how long have you worked at a corporation? You wear a real, like, suit and tie, like briefcase? What the fuck are we talking about here? Nah, this is business casual.

I've been working there for, like, three and a half years, four years. It's a good-paying job? Yeah,, four years. Is it a good paying job? Yeah, yeah. How'd you get the job? He just had to know how to clean a pool. Yeah. Mow a lawn, yeah. Where'd you graduate from?

Middle school. Go ahead, Pedro. Where'd you graduate from? I graduated from NJCU, New Jersey City University. Wow. Gothic Knights. New Jersey City University. Do they have a mascot there?

The junkies? The puppies. The chlamydias. The pussies. New Jersey City fucking hell yeah. And you were able to get a corporate job out of that. Yeah. I was just as surprised as you, man.

Yeah. Wow. What do you do for fun, Pedro? Crush pussy. Cage fight. Nah, yeah, I'm a blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Okay. I loved your set.

It was great. I think you're going places. So hot. A blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Joel, you know a little bit of jiu-jitsu. Yeah, not that much. How many of you want to see these guys have a little bit of jiu-jitsu? Let's see what happens here. Yeah, Pedro, just take off those pants.

All right. Oh, wow. Look at this. Oh, shit. What's happening? Whoa. Wow. Oh, shit.

Don't choke him out. Don't choke. Oh, the Kung Fu Master. Wow. That was incredible. One more hand for that. Wow. That was incredible. One more hand for that. Jesus. So Pedro, let's get into the things that people really want

to know, right? What are we talking about here? What are you fucking? And what's the most people you fucked in one night? And what are you into? What's something crazy? Let's get into it. I got a girlfriend. Whoa. Oh, I got a girlfriend. Whoa. Oh, man.

For how long? For how long? She's been in my life for like six years. Wow. She's been in your life for six years? What the fuck does that mean? She was around when I was with my ex. That's what that means.

Oh, she's a fucking pig. No. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. No, she's been a good friend.

No, no, no, no, no. She's been a friend like forever. Right. So, I mean, you guys stay. You guys. It's just the two of you. Yeah. Really?

I'm a faithful man. I used to be bad. I used to be an asshole. But how old are you? I'm a faithful man. I used to be bad. I used to be an asshole. Wait, how old are you? I'm 28. So you used to be bad, but when you were 22 and under? When you say you were an asshole, give us an example of an asshole thing that you've done before. I raped a man.

Here we go. No, this is going to be great. Let's let him go for a second. I want to hear this. You guys ever asked your girlfriend for $20 to buy another girl flowers? Oh, shit. This is amazing. I love this. Do you have any more? Give me more. Give me more.

Come on. I feel like you're just scratching the surface. I fucked some girl and I felt bad about it so I went to my ex's house and I knocked on her door and then she gave me head. Wow. You felt bad about fucking an ex? You didn't shower before you showered?

No, I didn't shower. He went from of course to mmm to I didn't shower. One more. Just watch the whole lie go. You really do. You're like, is God watching me? Of course

I showered. The dolphin of God. All right. Tony, the words on his arm are actually, it's a restraining order. What is that writing on your arm, Pedro? What does that say? What does that say?

It means everything. Every piece means something, so it's like a long story. Go within 60 feet of a school. And then he made me suck her pussy off of his dick. Whoa. All right, Pedro. Well, man, I mean, a lot of fun.

I don't know what the fuck you talked about. Gang rape, and then you did a pelvic thrust. It really didn't make much sense, but, you know. I forgot he did stand-up. You got to talk about, you got to sort of much sense. But, you know. I forgot he did stand up. You gotta talk about, you gotta sort of like own what you are a bit. You know what I mean? What you look like

and everything about you is all the interesting shit. Like, we don't want to hear what you think about other people getting gang raped in jail or whatever the fuck you talked about. Like, make it about you and who you are and talk about being a fucking good-looking guy or this and that or whatever.

You're a foodie, right? I like IG. No, no, I don't do IG. Are you actually a heavy metal fan? Yeah. Are you? Yeah, man. I'm a metal fan.

I feel like you are a good-looking dude who you're like, this outfit's dope, all right. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a big fan. I feel like you are a good looking dude who you're like, this outfit's dope. Alright. No, no, no. I'm a big Black Sabbath fan. I like 60s and 70s rock. Name three Black Sabbath songs. Whoa.

No, no, no. You're putting me in this spot. Fucking White Snow, some shit like that. Whoa. Leave him alone. Black Sabbath. Kim just squirted on us. I'm nervous as shit.

No, to be honest, though, you do have to bring up that you're good looking right away because it's a little bit of a shock to everyone. You can't just go in and just talk regular stuff. You have to. Or dress down like a lady. When women go on stage, they have to dress down because people would just be looking at her tits and shit like that. You can't have your tattoos and your fucking short little T-shirt

of a rock band that you don't even really listen to. Like freaking Black Snow or something. Skinny jeans doing the sign of the cross. I mean, you got it all. You just don't have the jokes yet, so just fucking do it, man. There he goes. Pedro Garcia, everybody. On to the next one. Yes,

indeed. You know what's funny is he probably put his name in the bucket tonight. He was like, tonight people are going to see me for more than my face. They're going to get to appreciate my killer sense of humor. I hope they don't ask me about my t-shirt. If Donna loves it.

All right, there we go. Just talk. What did you say, Joel? I said, I hope they don't ask me about my t-shirt. Oh, no. I love White Sabbath. They're my favorite band. Oh, I love Ozzy Oxbourne.

Black Sabbath. I'm Ozzy Oxbourne. Black Sabbath. Oh, I'm paranoid myself, dog. Wait, wait. That sounds familiar. What's that accent? All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Brian Neville, everyone.

Brian Neville. Brian Neville. One more time for Brian Neville, everyone. All right. Rockland Boulder fans, give it up. Nobody knows the Rockland Boulders still. Don't sleep on the Rockland Boulders. Cheap beer and tall fences where the playground is so you can ignore your children.

I love Tony's cote. Ever since he got it, though, ever since he got it, whenever I have a really bad idea, Tony pops up on my shoulder. Like that little fucker from the Flintstones. Any cat people in the house? Cat people?

Fuck cats. Fuck cats. Hate cats. No, I like dogs. I was thinking, though, if I was a dog, I'd probably take better care of my balls. Nobody, nobody's

looking at these things. You know? Let's be real. There you go. Brian Neville, everybody. Fucking did it. Look at this guy. I like you, man. Can I get to the punts? Oh, okay, it. Look at this guy. I like you, man. Can I get to the punch? Oh, okay, sure.

Do whatever you want. Keep it in there. You don't have to fucking... It still works. I watched too much Bill Burr. No, okay, take it out. Take it out. Take it out, Brian.

I don't want to freak you out. If you want to live your fucking Bill Burr legend dreams. Put it on his cheek. I don't want to fuck him. So anyway, so I was thinking, you know, I would take better care of my balls. I'd dip them in every puddle when I was getting walked. But I also would definitely think about, like, marination, you know, like teriyaki, sweet, sour, something to go with the salt, you know, maybe choke myself off with my leash a little bit.

Wow. That just made me a little hungry. My goodness. All that sweet teriyaki talk. I know. Makes you think about People's Choice Beef Jerky, LA's original small batch beef jerky. It's a family business from California that's been making quality jerky for over 85 years. Unlike mass produced beef jerky, People's Choice is marinated, sliced, and cooked by hand. That's right. People's Choice beef jerky is handmade in small batches,

not those gross big batches that everyone hates. My favorite's the cowboy peppered. Mmm. When I was on keto, I used to eat this shit all day. And you know what? It's keto-friendly. And if you get the cowboy peppered one, that's my favorite. Beef jerky's great for staying healthy.

It's loaded with protein and key vitamins and minerals. High energy snack. Grab a bag on the go and keep it in your desk drawer. So go to people's choice beef jerky dot com. They have a diverse line of products and flavors. And if you use the promo code Tony 15, you're going to get 15 percent off anything you order. So once more, that's peoplechoicebeefjerky.com and use the

promo code TONY15 for 15% off. And while you're getting your jerky, here's a fun fact. Alright. So, yeah. Hey, there you go. I fucking like your style, Brian Neville. Thank you, sir.

Is this your first time doing stand-up comedy? Yes, first time. Wow. First first-timer of the night. And you know what? For some reason, and maybe it's because people like to put a lot of pressure on themselves, you're the first person tonight who it's their very first time doing stand-up. Meanwhile, you're clearly the most comfortable on stage here tonight.

Hell yeah, you are. It's very amazing. I think it's his cronks. No, I think it's Grateful Dead, fish, acid, mushrooms, right? Yeah, it's incredible. Trey, little Trey. You guys definitely look like you're on the same diet plan. Oh, yeah.

I never thought I'd get to meet Red Band's 10-year challenge. It's called being 44. I didn't realize this was our back-to-the-episode future where Red Band comes out while Red Band's 10-year challenge. It's called being 44. I didn't realize this was our back-to-the-episode future where Red Band comes out while Red Band's on the show. You know, there's a time in a man's life where he has to present himself, and there's another time in his life where he's thankful that the fat part of him

is not facing the drummer tonight. Oh, my God. This guy is cruel, man, going after girls. I agree. Come on now. You're funnier than that. Brian, relax, relax, relax. Jesus Christ.

No, I love him. I love him. Who the fuck? We liked you. Stop being a fucking white knight. Yeah. No, I'm just thankful that. Fuck that stupid bitch.

Wow. Now it's your time, okay? I'm sorry. She had to hear it. That's cool. That's cool. I am a huge fan. He jacked me off one time.

That's right. That's right. Back pedal. Brian. Brian, stick with me over here. How you doing? So how did you feel about that set tonight? It's all a little surreal.

It felt all right, I guess, alright I guess Trying to push down the butterflies When did you decide that you were going to sign up tonight? I thought I had to be here at 5 o'clock To sign up I'm not asking you what time it is I thought that I missed my opportunity So when I came through the door I was very happy to see they still were allowing sign ups

And I love you guys And I felt You're coming to my hometown. You're a real pandering fuck. Can I tell you that? I think you have skeletons in your closet. I've sold copiers, mortgages, definitely skeletons.

Shot up a concert in Vegas. No. Yes, Master Jim. I got a question. Go for it. Is it duck season or rabbit season? You Elmer Fudd-looking motherfucker. How dare you go after Tony's facial hair?

You look like after you say something racist, you're like, I don't care if they're white, brown, purple, or yellow with polka dots. Brian, what part of you from here in West Nyack? I live right outside the city in Jersey, Bergen County. Ten miles south of here. Yeah.

Is that where you were born? Born in Manhattan, but I was a little kid when we moved out to Jersey. I grew up surrounded by a lot of Korean people, a lot of Jewish people. I was always a minority being white and Irish. Can you do an impression of the Korean people that raised you? They didn't raise me.

I could. Should I? I'll give you one. I'll give you one. There was my favorite moment of tonight's show. It's fair. When I walk my daughter down the steps to preschool, we go to a preschool that's run by Koreans. And it's at a church next door.

And I'm halfway down the stairs. I don't want to walk all the way down the stairs. So I just stall and wait to hear her name, which is Mina. But at her preschool, it's Mina. Wow. So that's it. Master Jim, what did you think of that Asian impression of your people? I'm offended. I think you're better than that.

Believe it. Believe it. I think you look like Mario Batali after prison time. Nice. Yeah. Over here, Walter White Bread. Walter White Power? Yeah. I was going to say Walter White Cake.

Walter White Bread. Yeah. So, Brian, what do you do for work? Right now, I'm a homemaker. Homemaker. Yeah, I used to have a company. We shut it down. What kind of home are you making?

Home fries? What are we talking about? Gingerbread. company. We shut it down. What kind of home are you making? Home fries? What are we talking about? Gingerbread? What do you mean by homemaker? Tell me, Brian. He's a stay-at-home guy. Well, I shut down my

company in a reboot phase. What was your company? I had a company that did fantasy sports. Wow. Yeah. DraftKings put us out of business. We were so close. All right. He's sidestepping this whole thing, okay?

Yeah. He said, I'm a homemaker. And we haven't heard the term homemaker in 40 years. That's not something anybody uses. Yo. So everyone's taking this, oh, he makes homes. Like, he's a contractor. No, he's a fucking out-of-work dude.

He doesn't have a job. You could see that. I am saying that, yes. Yeah, you go and say it. Say it all you want. But this is a different world, right? Women are learning equal spot in the workplace. There's an other side to that.

I hope you get stung by bees today. I could cook. I could clean. I could fix your faucets. You look like you already did. I could install ceiling fans. Shut the fuck up, Brian. You listening to anybody else? What do you think is going on here tonight? Fucking asshole.

You think you are fat Eric Clapton and this is worth a backup? All right. Pay fucking attention when other people are talking. Son of a bitch. Said a bunch of fucking shit in there and nobody got to say anything because you just kept fucking yapping. Women are what the fuck you say? Women are finally getting to what the fuck are you up here talking about tonight? Tell me what the fuck you just said.

Jesus Christ. Slow it down, dude. It's fucking Bernie Sanders 20 years ago. I mean, yeah. How many losers bumper stickers do you have on the back of your Prius? Coexist. Fucking Sanders X through it. Clinton X through it.

I feel like you still have your gore on that fucking thing. To be honest, Pony. You still have your Al Gore bumper sticker, you motherfucker? You want progress? Learn how to coexist. Pony, I believe we all want progress. All right. Now.

Tell me what's going on. I don't think it's going to happen. What are we talking about? All right. Are you trying to get laid? Because our leaders are stupid. Brian, so what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours?

I play bass. Really? Yeah, my band is debuting April 27th, 76th House. What's the name of your band? Shoreline Anthem. Shoreline Anthem is the band. Wow. Is it a lap band?

It is not a lap band. Samurai, Tony Samurai. Wow. And you play the bass. Do you sing any songs? Yeah, I sing some songs. Can you give us an example of a... Wait, what was the name of your band?

Are you on Spotify or anything? Shoreline Anthem. We're on Facebook. Oh, you're on Facebook? Yeah, we're debuting. We just started, man. We're not, you know... No, wait, you're on fucking Facebook?

Yeah. What the... No, a bunch of homers chilling with their boys, rocking out. You know, we're going to raise the roof. Just a bunch of dudes, you know. Just fucking writing songs. Making breakfast for the kids. Just a bunch of dudes, you know. Just fucking writing songs.

Making breakfast for the kids. Playing some good classics. You know, we don't even have jobs. Our wives are working. They're making homes. And you have 60 likes on Facebook, correct? Is that you, 6-0? We just started.

No, I know you just started. I'm just fucking checking. Yeah, that's us. You're a real fucking pussy. You know that, Brian? Yeah. Jesus Christ. We just started. We just started.

Tony, I told you I was a homemaker. Relax. Stay over there. Step away from the talent. I'm not a mushroom. You don't have any music on your Facebook. It just has a bunch of invites. It's a debut. We're debuting our show. Right now, we've got a lot of suspense.

What the fuck do you mean it's like you? What the hell are you talking about? It's a debut. We're debuting our show. So right now we got a lot of suspense. People are like, what do they sound like? It's like you. What the hell are you talking about? What did you say? It's a debut. It's a debut. Suspense. Alright, then you have to sing us acapella before I let you go. You have to sing us a line. Just one little line. Not the whole fucking song. I know you.

You're going to want to go for ten minutes. I wrote a good one. I wrote a good one. Recently. Hold on. Wait. It's a good one. I wrote a good one recently. Hold on, wait. It's a little derivative. Brian, fucking listen to me. What's wrong with you? Can you only talk? When you talk, do you stop hearing everything fucking else?

I'm taking your I away and giving you a Y. You're now Brian with a Y. No, no, no. You just got traded. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Master Jim. I was going to say give me a tempo

and I'll play with you as an olive branch but then you're acting like Larry the Unstable Guy. Go ahead. It's a little derivative but it's a good track. You deserve it. Larry the Unstable Guy. Step away from the talent.

Here we are. The fucking... Here we are. The fucking brat worst pack. Oh, my God. Never mind. Sing it acapella, idiot. All right.

Get the fuck away from me. You're scaring me. I hate your shoes. Here we are. The smashing... Just sing it. I tried. Sorry.

The lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkin Pies. Give me a beat. Faster. Faster. There we go. Here we go. A little faster. Make it like

Joel. Make it like his heartbeat. Extremely fast and unsteady. Alright. Fuck theady. All right. Fuck the drums. Just sing. Here we go. All right.

Joel, Joel, Joel. Stop in two years. Just fucking sing, dude. I'm over this. Sing a fucking song, Brian. Fuck it. Go ahead. I don't need your encouragement. No drums.

All right, fine. Bring back the Cadillac. Bring back the GTO. Bring back the Malibu. Moves like a boat when she blows. Bring back the Firebird. Bring back the 442. We're gonna seal

the doors, blow to the foe. Blow away this room. Wow, you're fucking horrible, dude. You're horrible. Now stage dive and kill the whole front row. Even after your first night of doing stand-up i still like you more as a comedian than i do as a musician and congratulations for that there he goes brian neville everyone oh he's coming in for handshakes

sure there you go you son of a there he goes come on one more time for Brian Neville, everyone. Yeah. Hey, can I get another double makers on the rocks and a Tito soda with a lime? And I'll have a turkey ginger, if not a Jack and Diet. And also, can somebody put a hammer into the back of the head of Brian? Yeah. Just take a pickaxe.

Not me, the one with the Y. Can I have a vodka soda? Never mind. The most important there is a Double Makers on the Rock, so if that one just comes up here. A mojito soda. Wow.

Let's do it, guys. Let's pretend like we hate everybody listening to this show tonight. I'll have a Crown and coke, by the way. Alright. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Randy Rogers, everyone. Here we go. Randy Rogers.

Here we go. Is this him? Here he comes. Here's Randy Rogers. Picked up a quarter on the way over here. Saw the waiter stop, think about it, and decided it wasn't worth it. You ever throw away a penny? Pennies are like the white trash of coins. Looks like we're all made the same,

but they just can't seem to keep themselves shiny for very long. There's not much I'm I got like hundreds of them shits. Wow, there you go, I guess. Randy Rogers. Just rolling with it and just waiting it out. Just giving us a little bit of his big finisher, the silent treatment there at the end. What happened? What's going on? First time on stage. Wow, first time ever.

There you go. Oh, shit. I had a feeling when Fox News fired you, you would do stand-up comedy. Here he is, the great Sean Hannity, ladies and gentlemen, here. When you said you picked up a quarter, 80% of this room thought you were talking about weed

I don't know about you but Halfway through I just Couldn't understand you anymore You just started going And I was like what's going on Am I having a stroke It was more like an anxiety attack It's probably your first time talking into a microphone

In front of a room full of people. When else do you ever do that, huh? Yeah, I don't do that. Proud boy meetings. Have you ever done it before? No. No. I was supposed to make a toast at a wedding once, and I choked on that, too.

Right, yeah, you look like you choke on toast a lot, actually. So, Randy, tell us about you. We want to know about you, your real life. Give us some fun facts about Randy Rogers. I like your name, you know, Randy Rogers. Fun facts about Randy Rogers. Yeah, sure. You ever think about shooting up a school or anything?

Think about it. I didn't, you know. Just with his cum. Come on, Randy. Tell us something about you. You ever rollerblade backwards in a snowstorm? Or perhaps you... I hate the snow. I don't like rollerblading.

You ever try to start your own food truck business? A food truck business? You have satellite TV, right? You have to adjust the satellite? You have to get up on the roof yourself? Wiggle it? No, no, no. You say You say god damn it to your wife Sometimes

Do you have a wife? How long have you been married for? 17 years That's great My goodness You have kids? Three of them How old are your kids?

13, almost 12, and 10. Oh, you're adorable. What do you do for work? I just became a home inspector. A home inspector. I thought you were going to say homemaker. I was like, get the fuck out of here. Get off the stage, Randy.

This is crazy. I'm a fan of the show. What does that mean? What do you mean you're inspecting homes? What are you inspecting? How they're built and everything? Yeah, before somebody purchases a home, I'll go through and make sure it's not falling apart. What do you mean you're inspecting homes? What are you inspecting? How they're built and everything? You're like ruining people's... Before somebody purchases a home,

I'll go through and make sure it's not falling apart. Oh, okay. Are you good at your job? Has there been any houses that have fallen apart after you've said like, oh, hey, okay, everything's good here? Not yet. Or did you do it like how you sort of started your set?

You tell them under your breath, like, oh, your house is going to fall down. Well, this thing is going to... It's totally not built right. It's great because you were just as bad as the last guy, but so much more likable. Yeah, it's incredible. We went from Red Band 10 years from now to Red Band 10 years ago. It's incredible.

This is some type of Red Band. What the fuck? What did I miss? The last guy should have your confidence, but for some reason he was just owning it. I feel bad for you. I feel like there's a fucking

monster inside of you that wants to just come out. Yeah, you have to talk about it. You love your kids. What's the hardest you ever hit them? I bet right now your wife's mean. Is she like the mean one out of the two of you?

Yeah, you can tell. He's so, you know she's like, fucking Christopher. And then she tickles you and makes everything okay, right? He loves it. She did get one of those

mysterious headaches that I did come here by myself. Say that again? Wait, what? I don't understand what the fuck you're saying. What did he say? She had a headache.

They were on their way here She was supposed to come and support him But this cunt She said she had a headache And went home She didn't even make it out of the house Wow Leave her right now

Leave the kids Come back to LA Tony If he moved to LA And left his family Come back to L.A. You'll be the show regular. Tony. Nope. Tony. No, no, no. If he moved to L.A. and left his family, you wouldn't let him be the show regular. No. Why don't you make it easier?

The guy's got three kids. Why don't you make him a regular on the Legion of Skanks? Yeah, it's closer. We got the newest member of the Legion of Skanks. Wow, that is so cool of you, Lewis, to change the show. Lewis, you did it again. We think the wife's mean. A week from now, we find out she had a massive brain tumor and is dead now. All I wanted to do was see you accomplish your goals, Randy.

She does have seizures. Randy Rogers. Seizures. That's the only time I've seen him smile. Yeah, look how hard he giggles at that. He fucking loves this. He sees this. He's like,

God damn it. Thank God, a break. You've been putting shit in her yogurt, haven't you? Yeah. The door to my double life is creeping open. Has she been having seizures

lately, Randy? Actually, she's been good for like the last six months. Can you do an impression? See, you get to talk about that since it's your thing. So can you perhaps give us a little impression of what one of your wife's

seizures look like? Actually, she makes this noise. Come on. I don't want you to describe it with your words, you fucking... Ow! Ow! And then it takes like an hour for her to start talking again. It's really weird. And now... And then it takes like an hour for her to start talking again.

It's really weird. And now... I'm not kidding. He's getting a standing ovation right now for doing a real... He went right into it. No hesitation. And now sometimes that noise comes up in our regular life. She'll be like...

And I'll be like... Whoa. It's not even a seizure. It's just her thinking of a black dude. Yeah, that's her headache. She's getting real bad headaches in the butt right now. Randy,

what else about you? Anything you ever do to get away from the wife and the kids? You seem like a guy that might have some type of weird hobby. You must be into something, right? What do you collect? Trains. Yeah, little trains in the garage.

Jerks off in the basement. There's plenty of that. I know. There's plenty of what? Jerking off in the basement? What did you say? Does your wife get mad when you jerk off? Does she get mad when you look at porn?

No, no. What's one of the creepier porns that you've seen that is also... I actually have a healthy sex life. What? What? I can't understand anything you're talking about. He said they have a healthy sex life. He was talking to me at the same time.

What's the creepiest thing that you've ever came to while jerking off to porn? That's a good one. Now, you know the answer to this. It was probably recently. It was his wife seizing. Oh, yeah. You ever do that? You ever look into seizing porn?

No. Is that a thing? Yeah. You ever bring your wife to an EDM concert just to shut her up? It's hard to figure you out, Randy. I'm mysterious. I guess so. You have any special sex moves that you do to keep your wife happy after all these years?

I have a big dick. Is that true? Whoa. Randy. Randy. I might have a good idea here. Randy, how big is your dick? Is it big enough that maybe you could suck it yourself?

I've done that. I've been there twice. Really? Wow. Can you give us a little example of your flexibility? If you were going to suck your own dick, how would you do it? I've been there twice. Really? Wow. Can you give us a little example of your flexibility? If you were going to suck your own dick, how would you do it? Would you go head over feet or would you do the red band approach?

It has to be with the weight of the feet pulling it together. Tony, I think you mean how did you do it? Would you mind giving us one little example before I send you off of how you would suck your own dick if you could? Don't suck your own dick. Do not pull your dick out and start sucking it. I'm just asking you to show us how you would do it if you had to do it, if you were naked, how you would do it. Please suck your own dick.

If you do it, I'll do it. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Suck it. Randy, for some reason, didn't want to do it without Joel Berg doing it as well

deal made now it's not gay at all wow how big does that dick need to be over there, well Joel actually looks like Joel, Joel you're pretty good what the fuck not only can Joel suck his own dick, it looks like he can

eat his own ass too that's incredible. Wow, Joel Berg. Very impressive. Go away. All right, Randy. Well, I don't know. I mean, you know, Brian, we've seen before.

We've proved in London that you can. Well, you guys both do it different than I do it. Yeah. For those of you that didn't see. You guys get all crazy. Did you see that? It's unnecessary. Yeah. It's unnecessary when you have a big dick.

You're doing like this, like, oh, yeah, right? Yeah, I got a big dick. It's four inches. Okay, all right, Red Band. Yeah, we proved that. All right. All right, Randy. Well, anything else?

Did you have fun tonight? Yeah, totally. I'm a fan of the show. I've been listening since the Iron Patriot left. Wow. I'm glad to be here. I can't believe I got picked. There you go. There it is. Randy Rogers, totally. I'm a fan of the show. I've been listening since the Aaron Patriot left. Wow. I'm glad to be here. I can't believe I got picked. There you go. There it is. Randy Rogers, everybody. He did

it. Back to his seizing wife he goes. He seized the moment. He searched and he seizured. He... Now he's gonna go eat a Caesar salad. He's traveled many seas...

Er... Er... Wow, he went right into it. He couldn't wait to impersonate his seizing. Like... Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Tom Pierce, everyone. Here we go, Tom Pierce.

Let's see what happens here. Here we go. Here he is, Tom Pierce, everyone. One more time for Tom. One more time for Tom. Yes, so I'm pretty aware that I dress like a preppy douchebag. I dress so preppy that some woman stopped me as I was coming out of the bathroom before and asked me if I had any Coke. No hesitation.

But no, no, sweetheart. I have none on me. I dress like this for a reason. I'm actually trying to be the first idiot to be sponsored by Under Armour. I think it would just be pretty funny if you walk into the Under Armour outlets up at Woodbury Commons and you just see, like, Jordan Spieth, Steph Curry, and then me and my man boobs up there eating, like, chicken tendies or something like that. Under Armour's just that fucking comfortable.

I hope this gets tweeted out to Kevin Plank, the CEO. Just put that out in the universe now. But yeah, it just feels so good wrapped around you. And that's about all I got. Wow. I mean, I got. Wow. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I'm very impressed. Do you think Under Armour is interested

in sponsoring bad comedians right now? You think ads work that way, that they just want anybody that says their name a lot? Like, oh, look at this fucking idiot. He's a genius. Under Armour, Under Armour. Nike is not going to like this. I'm blown away. I thought we left all the leprechauns back Armour, Under Armour. Nike is not going to like this. I'm blown away.

I thought we left all the leprechauns back in Dublin, Tony. Wow. I feel like every guy that's been picked tonight looks like they're competing like middle school soccer coaches. Lacrosse, lacrosse. Also, how is you telling that girl, sweetie, the most offensive thing to women that we've said all night? Yeah, it's incredible. Also, you definitely have coke on you adderall oh yeah do you crush it up and snort it or do you take it like a gentleman up his butt yeah extended release this guy looks like he gets his coke from the coke brothers

there's something off about the whole outfit do you really dress like this in real life how many times do you have to vote for Donald Trump to get an outfit like that? I'm just curious. It looks like you're wearing layers. You're wearing two douchebag outfits on top of each other. I feel like all layers of you are douchey. I feel like even

when he's naked, he just has a dick and then there's two golf balls right there just hanging out. Still a douche, even when I'm naked. What was your line? I know I dress like a what? Oh, yeah, just a fucking preppy douche bag. Like a preppy douche bag, okay?

So now that you know that, stop. It's my thing. You have anything under that polo? What are you rocking under there? You have any tats? What do you have, like tattoos of like? I do have two tattoos. Yeah, what are your tattoos of? Are they douchey too? What's that? What are you rocking under there? You have any tats? What do you have, like tattoos of like... I do have two tattoos.

Yeah, what are your tattoos of? I have a... Do they do she too? What's that? Do they do she too? Johnny's letters and fucking... I have a sound wave on my bicep. It's a voicemail from my grandmother,

and there's like an app where you can play the voice, like the sound wave. Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's just her saying the N-word. Don't take... Take off that underarmor bullshit. the sound wave is scanning. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's just her saying the N-word. Don't take it. Take off that underarmored bullshit.

Wow. My goodness. What does your grandma say on the voicemail? He doesn't know his iPhone died. So did his grandma. She was just... She is dead. I got it on her five-year anniversary, her passing. Wow.

There you go. Hey, Tom, it's me, Grandma. Pretty close. I wish you would have picked up, but I guess you don't care that soon you'll never be able to talk to me again. Anyways, I heard your girlfriend's a half-black. to me again. Anyways, I heard your girlfriend's a half black. Have you ever been with

anyone other than a white woman before, Tom? I don't believe it for a second. What did you do? Once fuck one of your rally marching signs or something like that? What did you do? Once stick it in the Chevy that ran down those people? How did you get

her attention? You burned her cross on her lawn? Yeah, I've been with a couple black girls. Yeah, but he technically only counts that as... I'm trying to do the math for two three-fifths of a person. Alright, Tom.

So let's talk about this. You've been with a couple black girls. How does this happen? What were they doing? Were they working on the All right, Tom, so let's talk about this. You've been with a couple black girls. All right? How does this happen? What were they doing? What were they working on the feet? All right. They worked at Under Armour.

They worked? Where did you meet these girls? One of them was up in Poughkeepsie. Wow. Yeah, shout out to Poughkeepsie. Mahoney's Bar. Wow. It's a comedy club up there. Yeah, there's one up in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laughing Up Comedy Club, shout out. Shout out to McKinsey. Mahoney's Bar. Wow.

It's a comedy club up there. Yeah, there's one up in there. Laughing Up Comedy Club. Shout out. What's up? Wow, that's incredible. How far is that from laughing up? That's where you're doing. It's where you're going.

Really? Wow, that's incredible. So you're telling me that if people came out to Kill Tony Live Wednesday, June 19th, not only will they see the number one live podcast in the world, but they might be able to fuck a black chick? Wow. That's the kind of fun that happens in Pickhipsy. I see why it has the words pickhip.

Pickhip? Pickup? Nope, it ain't happening. Pickup. Pickhipsy. Anyway. Yeah. So how did it happen?

You were at a comedy club? No, no. It's a bar. And there's a club in the back. There's an auction. What's that? Oh, Jesus. What?

What kind of club is in the back? A health club? No, it's just like a... It's an Irish bar. Right. And so it was just late night. And the last few people left in the bar. And then...

Late night was her name. She was a stripper. Where were you guys talking about? Do you remember anything? No, I don't remember much. She was from Uganda. You could say you blacked out. Pretty much.

Uganda, that's interesting. You've got to be kidding me. What's he doing? Get back, Master Jim. Tom, how'd that go for you? Did you notice any difference being with a black woman than a white woman? What did you notice? There must be a little something that stood out to you.

She smells different when she's on fire. All right, come on, Tom Stick with me over here, Tom What's the answer? I liked the British accent, it was kind of cool Even though it was like a You weren't expecting it That was your experience with a British accent

That's not really the answer You like the white thing about her? Yeah I like that she didn't have her original voice, but the one that the people that enslaved her people gave her. That was hot. When you closed your eyes, it was just like she was white. Did you notice anything else different than a black girl, Tom?

Fair. Just a lot more junk in the trunk than I was used to. Wow, a lot more junk. Yeah, the only thing you're used to having in your trunk is... No, she actually lived in her car, Tony. All right, Lewis. She did. You take this one.

I was going to say voting forms in his trunk, but again, doesn't really... I guess we both would have failed on that one because Across 110th Street is still playing for some reason. So, Tom, I guess we'll move on from this. What made you... You've been doing stand-up? No, first time. First time ever. What made you do this? Oh, I'm just a huge fucking fan, man. Huge fan. Yeah. I've been

a couple times out in LA, and today was the first time I had the balls to sign up, so I'm pretty pumped about it, yeah. Wow. That's incredible. Well, Tom, you did it. We're gonna keep it moving along. We're going to fly through this bucket, see if we can get maybe one more person up here at least.

You guys want to go back to the bucket? Let's keep it moving. Tom Pierce, here we go. Back to the bucket we go. Master Jim, how are you doing over there? Hey! Wow. How many people signed up out there

and haven't done... How many people signed up out there that have never done stand-up comedy before? A lot of hand raisers. Look at this guy. We got this guy from a Broadway musical. We got Greg Fitzsimmons in the front row right here. Mister, want a paper?

We have a... Look at this one right here. I can't tell whether it's Michael Moore or Hannah Gadsby. I'm not sure exactly what that is right there. Nanette. We got young Mike Lawrence right here with the glasses on. Never mind.

There you go. Pulled another one out. Here we go. Samuel Radd, everyone. Let's do this. Samuel Radd. Samuel Rad, everyone. Let's do this. Samuel Rad. Right from the middle. Just got off his

job at Kinko's. Decided to sign up. Look at this guy. Wow. What is this song? He's pumping some guy. What type of music do they call this? Anime music. Wow. One more time for Samuel Rad, everyone.

All right. All right. So a father goes to his two daughters. He goes, tomorrow I'll give one of you good news, and I'll give the other bad news. In secret, he tells the older daughter, you are guaranteed good news. So the girls run off and the older sister tells the younger sister, I'm guaranteed good news. But don't tell dad that I told you.

So the next day, the father goes to the girls. All right, girls. Older sister, the good news is your younger sister is very trustworthy, and when I pressed her, she didn't rat on you. Younger sister, your bad news is your older sister is a blabbermouth and she told mom

that I was fucking neighbor Nancy! That's it. Wow. Alright. My goodness. Samuel Rad. Wow. Tony, I really liked

the beginning of the joke sounded like he stole it, but by the end I was like, no, definitely didn't steal that. That was crazy. 100%. He wrote his own old-timey bar joke with no punchline at the end of it.

Just an excuse to be racist or something. It's got like a bad twist to it where the little girl told the mom that the dad was cheating and it has nothing else there. Nope. Wow. Wow.

It's even weirder because he told the one girl like, hey, I have good news for you tomorrow. But it's like the good news isn't that you're the girl that told mom. Everyone loses in the end of that. What was your childhood like? So who did your dad fuck? Are your parents still together?

No. No. Duh. How old were you when they separated? Me, my mother, and my brother moved out of my father's house when I was three years old. Uh-huh.

That sounds like a very depressing story. No. I continued to see my dad and I had a good relationship with him. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Never, my first time. First time. No shit.

And what do you do? What is it that you do? I'm a drummer. Oh, shit. Joelberg. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. That would be weird if he won this. Hold on a second. Hold on. Everybody, hold on. Let's just all relax.

What else? Other than drumming, what else? I just quit my job. I was working at a warehouse for about a year. Oh, so he's available. Look at this. Yeah, it's open. Wait a second.

Where'd your mustache go? It'd probably be easier to do international travel with a white American. Is that what he is? What are you? What ethnicity are you? I'm Italian. Wow. All right.

You're Italian from Saudi Arabia, clearly. How long have you played the drums for? About 10 years. 10 years. Wow. You know, I think Joel, that's like half of Joel's life.

Wow. Yeah. Joel Borg, how long have you been playing the drums for? I started at 14. I'm 32 now, so almost half my life. Wow. That's such a weird answer to give. I started at 14.

I'm also a high school dropout. I'm not good at math. I need this. 14. I started at 14. I'm about to be 32, so almost half my life. Wait, that's more than half your life. I love that Lewis figured it out last out of everybody

and literally said, wait, that's more than half his life. It's definitely, I love that Lewis figured it out last out of everybody and literally said, wait, that's more than half his life. That's why I took time to repeat it, Lewis. Wait a second, Tony, I solved a crime. Alright. So Samuel, do you know that on this show that there's a thing

called a Mexican drum off? Do you think you have what it takes? And let me remind you that this all has to do with performance. Like, you know, it's a question. Oh, wait a second. All right. Is this why you signed up? You came here specifically to challenge me.

Yes. Whoa. Whoa. Let me just say, I mean, this is what I'm saying. This is how huge I'm getting. These people, I changed their fucking lives. Wow. You fucking, you call up your girlfriend,

tell her to put on the red panties, you say it's time, we're challenging Joelberg. He made us somebody. And then you figure that you would just glide through the 60 seconds, you could do anything, you'll do a big, long misdirect joke and that no matter what, fuck it. You're just gonna

end up saying that you know how to play drums and you're going back to L.A. with us. Yeah. Wow. I'm a booey. I mean, this is... Oh, my God. Good luck not getting randomly selected. This is an interesting... This is an interesting thing, but you know what, Samuel? How long have you been listening to Kill Tony?

My brother introduced it to me like three or four months ago. Three or four months ago. I'm a very big fan. And you've gone back and listened to a lot of episodes? Yeah, I'm a big fan. Now, when you say that you're a big fan, so then you know about the Mexican drum off. And why is it tonight that you think you can beat Joel Berg in his own competition that he's never been beaten in before?

What makes you different? I've been – Whoa. Yeah. I think he's playing it down again. He's trying to make us think that he's not going to like – That's actually like half the lines in Rocky that he just said right there oh uh keith robinson impression well samuel if you're a big fan of the show and you've seen mexican drum offs then you know that it's not just about the drums it's

about you know having the crowd on your side and uh and you know making a big performance. I mean, but I still want to see what you're going to do. Joel, you want to get behind one of these curtains or whatever? And let's do it. You guys want to do a Mexican drum off here tonight? For these live road shows,

maybe there's some people here that don't know, but I'll explain to you how it works. If someone knows how to do the drums, then they can challenge Joel Burke for his entire job. He's the drummer on this show every episode. And technically, by the rules of it, if the person wins, they get to be on the show. And Joel has to stay in whatever city we're in and take their job. It's actually really sad because we started to grow to like Joel, but

we get rid of people all the time. We got rid of Kim before. We got rid of the Iron Patriot. People move on. But I think Joel's at the height of his game. He always pulls something crazy up his sleeve. This dude's ready to get paid in popcorn.

Yeah. I mean, this is pretty exciting. So I guess this is a Mexican drum off. Ladies and gentlemen, drumming first. From where? Where are you from? West Nyack? Where are you from, Samuel?

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Jesus was born. Ladies and gentlemen, doing the Mexican drum off. Here he? Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Jesus, it was boring. Ladies and gentlemen, doing the Mexican drum off, here he is, Samuel crowd goes crazy. That was badass. Hold on, wait. Samuel, move away from the drums. Come over here.

Stand next to that stool. Stand right there. There you go. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning defending drummer of Kill Tony, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here he is. Wow.

He's got the Master Jim facial hair. Does the carpet match the drapes? I'm going to have to buy a new beard for Jeremiah. I'm sorry. Clearly he borrowed Jeremiah's wizard beard. Wow. More like the jizzard beard. It just looks like Jeremiah's blowing him. It just looks like Jeremiah's blowing him.

It just looks like Jeremiah's nose. All right, all right. So, wait, Joel, Joel. So Samuel came out at it hard. You have to defend this, Joel. It's a very, very big one for you. You're sponsored by Ludwig. And it's about, you know, it's about commitment.

It's about being funny. It's about putting on a great drumming performance. But it's also talent. You know, like he was really good. I mean, he was really good. Yeah. So let's see what happens. You guys excited? Here he is defending to keep his job on Kill Tony, Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow!

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Look at that. That's a standing ovation right there all the way. That's incredible. God damn it. No, it's all good. Thank you. God damn it It's all good Wow Alright, how many of you think Samuel Rad

won that drum off? How many of you got Samuel winning that? Wow, we have one YouTube commenter who just fell over while trying to stand for Samuel. There you go. The eternal haters in the audience. They'll never die.

How many do you think Joel Berg should retain? There you go. Samuel, you're a great opponent. I want to give you this rope to hang yourself later with. Idiot! There you go. Much like anyone who went into, you know, it's like going to the Wild West to get a gunslinger.

You went into, like, Lakers Stadium and tried to play one-on-one with Magic Johnson. But you did really good. You did do really good. There you go. Samuel Rad, everyone. Samuel Rad. I guess so.

All right. Did you guys have fun tonight? I mean, we did it. That's definitely a full episode of Kill Tony. You guys really want it? You don't want to end it with a drama? You know it's going to happen.

It's going to suck and we're going to say, we told you so. You guys want one more? Alright. Alright. I had a feeling. We're all connected at this point. I mean, I guess here we go.

Joelberg, look at this. I thought your performance was good enough to close the show and these people said fuck you. No, it was so good, they want more. Yes. I guess we're going to have to wait and find out. Feels like we're right on the line.

Who knows what can happen. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. And if you guys want this, then you have to give them some energy. You have to pay attention. Make some noise for Zachariah Tyler, everyone. Here we go. Zachariah Tyler.

Here he comes. Here he comes. Come deep. Here he is. Zachariah Tyler. Holy fucking shit. This is fucking crazy, guys. I can't believe I just got called up here.

So I'm a Catholic. Hey, what's up? I'm a Catholic Jew, so that makes me a cashew. A lot of weird shit happens to me, man. Man, the other day I was walking to the bathroom, saw my 80-year-old professor trying to take a piss. Holy fucking shit, that was terrible. I've never seen a guy have sex with a fucking urinal, man.

Just kind of moving up like this, yeah? You know, he's all I got. Wow. One more. What do you guys want me to pull another name out of the bucket? You mean you guys want me to just not even interview this guy and get him off and pull one more name out of the bucket? You mean you guys want me to just not even interview this guy and get him off and pull one more name out of the bucket? Well then get the fuck

out of here. There he goes. Get out of here. He's not going to be our closing comic. Boo this man. Oh my god. Don't kill yourself. Please.

If you see him in the parking lot, punch him in his fucking face. Beat the shit out of that guy. Alright. He just got shot multiple times. The guy that was just on stage is bleeding. They've taken him to the kitchen.

I can't do this. Even one of the cooks in the kitchen just stabbed him with a knife, usually meant to cut quesadillas into six pieces. He's like, I shouldn't have done that water impression. Oh, my goodness. Tony, that's all I got. I mean, that's what people say right before they get shot in the head, right? I mean, that's just it.

It's like, you thought that would save you, Tony? You think calling me by my first name? All right. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. I mean it this time. Put your hands together for Quinn Carstairs. Here we go. Quinn Carstairs. Oh, go. Quinn Carstairs.

Oh, wow. Right from the front row. All right. So I used to work at Annie Ants, not this one, in bumfuck Vermont. And I was working through holiday season, and this business lady walking by just fucking slipped in a pile of vomit. And she's, like, on her fucking knees. And she just can't believe the whole situation. And so we call a janitor trying to come over.

Takes them like an hour, because we only have one janitor in a whole fucking mall. It was just really funny, yeah. I've never seen a businesswoman be that upset. What did I say? Wow, this guy is leaving. I believe he's leaving the stage.

Oh my god. He's asking me something. He's walking back to the microphone. What? That guy's holding the fucking thing right there. He's a rock star now. Do you want to keep talking? Oh my god. Do I want you to keep talking? You just, do you want to keep talking? That guy's holding the fucking thing right there. He's a rock star now. Do you want to keep talking? Oh my God. Do I want you to keep talking?

You just walked off, dude. And then you got mad at me, so I came back. Quinn, put the mic back in the mic. Put it back in. There he goes. Quinn Carstairs. Should we go to the bucket one more time? Hey, you know what?

I don't know. You know what? I don't think we should. I don't think we should because we made the right decision after the drum off. We gave you two chances. Let it be known. Let it be known. They are chanting one more name. This place is out of control.

You know, we're doing four stand-up shows here, by the way, two tomorrow, two on Saturday. This place is, I don't know if you know this, but for some reason they built a fucking 700-seat comedy club in the corner of a fucking super fucking mall. I think there's still tickets available, so I'm just going to mention that.

So if you guys want to come back, when you remember how much extra show we gave you, then maybe you'll come back to see us do stand-up tomorrow or on Saturday. But if this third person is back, we're not doing it anymore. We gave you three

chances, right? And I can already tell by their name you guys fucked up. I think anything can fucked up. I think anything can happen here. I say we give them a chance. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for the stand ump. The stand ump. The stand

ump. UMP. The stand ump. Alright, we got nothing. We got no movement. Hold on a second. The Stand-Up? Nothing? Well, then should we go to the bucket one more time?

No, it's the Bucket of Destiny. Here we go. Blacklisted. Oh, here we go. Is this the Stand-Up? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Is this the stand-up? Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. What are you pointing at?

What's that? You're an umpire? Umpire. Did you sign up tonight? I don't know if it is. Hold on a second. Before we let this guy talk, did you sign up tonight as the stand-up? No. Okay, then no.

You get back off. Fuck off. What the fuck? Yeah. Okay, then no. You get back off. Fuck off. What the fuck? Get off the stage. You're now banned from the Levity Live. Get this guy out of here. Levity, get this guy out of here. He tried to trick you by doing the fast

pitch sign in his crotch. Yeah, that's what catchers do, not umpires, you fucking idiot. We gave them four times. We gave them four times. We gave them four times. No. Bad cop, good cop? Yeah. All right, here we go.

It's like the Apple Dumpling Gang. Okay, this looks like an interesting name, right? Make some noise for MC Mouse, everyone. MC Mouse. Wow, coming from the back. We got a lot of energy. He's at a full sprint. This is incredible. MC Mouse. Wow, coming from the back, we got a lot of energy. He's at a full sprint. This is incredible.

MC Mouse, here he comes. So yeah, we saw a fucking massacre on this stage. So let me tell you a joke. There is this man with a red hair. Except he doesn't have red hair, you see. He doesn't have a body, he doesn't have arms. He doesn't have organs, don't have toes He doesn't have a body, he doesn't have arms. He doesn't have organs, don't have toes. In fact, there's no man at all.

So what I'm trying to say is, I don't have a joke. But that's okay, I got another one. So. So, I was seeing this other comedian who, like... This guy is a genius. So, I'm going to end with a dead baby joke. So, what's the difference between a baby and a fridge? Huh?

What's the difference? Wait, what? What's the difference between a baby and a fridge? What? A fridge don't cry when you put your meat stick in it. Hold on a second. Oh, God. What the fuck are you?

Are you like... How do you look like a stepdad and a stepchild at the same time? Like, what is happening here? And a lesbian mother. Yeah. What are these open-toe fucking safety spa sandals that you have on? I'm so happy you asked. I literally ordered these sandals today. They're cold

zero sandals. It's like as though I'm barefoot, but I'm too pussy to go all the way through. Wow. You got same day delivery? This is incredible. I've never met a guy who's 130% Jewish before. This is mind-boggling.

You look like Minkus from Boy Meets World. You look like Stuart Little if he was a wigger. It is incredible. Your name is MC Mouse, and you look like a little tiny mouse. You have the characteristics

of a mouse. You see, it's not just the name. It's also my stage name because I'm going to be a rapper after I do my stand-up comedy. Please, for the love of God, tell me that you know how to rap. So, I've got my boy. Stephen does

drugs. He's my boy. He's also one of my friends. Okay. He's also one of your clients. You're his accountant, right? What are you talking about? I work with... Why do you look like you do people's taxes in a treehouse? Why do you look like Rick Moranis if he accidentally shrunk himself? Why do you look like Michael J. Fox after the Parkinson's got real bad?

It's incredible. You look like every character in The Office smashed together. MC just stands for molested child. Oh, fuck. So, about the accountant part, I'm too dumb to do accounting at all. We know We know Yeah

I failed like geometry In like high school It was bad So do you rap What do you What do you do for work He works at Subway He sells the six inch Subways

Not the footlongs Hey I like that It's more like Three inch Subways Whoa What do you do for work What do you do for work What do you do for work

So I mow lawns For like old people Wait what do for work? So I mow lawns for old people. That's all I do. I mow lawns for old people. You can't push a lawnmower. I think you mean you part lawns. He's Jewish. Oy vey.

Am I allowed to say that? Is that really true? That's what you do for work? You mow lawns? Yeah. I go to school over at Bard College with a useless degree. So I'm not going to get a job. So I just hop on to that. All right, let's hear your rap. Give us an example of you rapping. I've heard enough of this shit.

We're going to end this goddamn show right now. Hey, MC Mouse in the house. I ain't wearing a blouse. You're gonna get doused. I'm gonna burn all these haters. I'm gonna get where these gators are.

If somebody throws a tomato. I'm gonna, my name is Wow, MC Mouse. Instead of tomatoes, they're gonna throw bagels? I hope so.

If you guys aren't throwing one projectile at me, I'm going to be pissed. Don't throw anything at him. It's not funny. Jesus, MC Mouse. I wondered exactly if you could go any lower, and you just answered that for me. We gave you five chances. You look like you still spell boobs on a calculator. You know, there's actually this funny

story I have. Oh, finally, a funny story. I was tripping balls with my friend at this party over at Bard College for Spring Fling. And, like, my friend and I, he was also tripping as well, and he went to take

like a calculator. Just on their own shoelaces. Yeah, or sandals so anyways we broke into this car my glasses and then we went to like we broke into someone's car we didn't even know it was like ours and we were just typing boobies on the calculator i shit you not wow we were in mc mouse we're done with you. There he goes. MC Mouse, everybody. Get out of here. Crazy. Should have ended with the drum off, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. We know what we're doing. All right. Louis J. Gomez presents Louis J. Gomez is now available in the Gas Digital Network. GasDigitalNetwork.com and available everywhere else as well, iTunes. Kim Congdon, former Kill Tony regular,

first appearance on the panel since being a regular on this show. She has hit podcasts called Stone Science and Broad Topics, I believe also on Gas Digital. Princess Shank. How about another hand for the great and powerful Joelberg, Joel Jimenez, huh? There he is. He's on social media, mostly sorry.

He's here doing shows, opening up every show this weekend here at Levity Live in West Nyack. Anything else, Joel? Shout out to Ludwig Drums, all the sponsors, everyone who gives me free stuff. I love you, and I love all you guys. Thank you. There you go.

I'm so excited. So much fun stuff happening. And if you missed the beginning, don't sleep on the fact that you're getting your own Kill Tonys in Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and La Jolla next week. How exciting is that? Two shows at the La Jolla Comedy Store.

But we want to thank you so much, Wes Nyack. We had so much fun with you here tonight. We went way overboard. This is one of the longest episodes in Kill Tony's history. Thanks, guys. Tony, Tony, also we got posters outside. Limited edition. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Ryan J. Ebelt literally drew special Wes Nyack posters. There's only 30 of them, I believe. There's only 30. They're numbered. We'll sign them. They're only 20 bucks. There's only 30 of them. So if you want to grab one, we'll sign them for you if you buy one.

And we'll see you right in the lobby after the show. Good night, guys. Thank you so much.今 君の中で 全ての愛君は みんな 固めてしまいましょう 隠しちゃいます お前は 歌って踊ろうか さあ 踊ろう 踊りつけては 飽きがちはいいので

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