KILL TONY - KILL TONY #340

Episode Date: April 26, 2019

Jessimae Peluso, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/22/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to all the shows.

You also can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we just started this huge tour. We're going to be in La Jolla, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Kansas,

Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis. So many places. And if you want the whole entire list, just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. And there you can have all the information, all the entire list of our tour and tickets. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the Golden Pony website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything, the Golden Pony, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He draws the posters, the books, and everything. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

You can get Kill Tony shirts there, Death Squad hats, Death Squad mugs, a bunch of stuff, all designed by me at shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road. Famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hello, everybody. Come on, make some noise. We're here. It's Monday. This is the real deal, people. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. The great Brian Redband is here Hey guys what's up

A ton of comedians sitting over there Look at them we're live everything's happening Hello to the thousands and thousands on YouTube Joining us from around the globe And the great Ryan J. E. Belt is here Drawing tonight's episode Look at him while you all sit there Enjoying yourselves doing less than nothing

He's drawing tonight's episode. He draws every episode. All the prints from some of your favorite shows are available at ryanjebel.com, including all the Past Kill Tony posters. And that book. You gotta check out the book. Yeah, the book's amazing. And he makes amazing tour posters, which is great

because we go on tour like crazy. And we are going to La Jolla this weekend for two sold-out shows in La Jolla, and that's going to be a lot of fun. I'm also doing stand-up all this weekend in La Jolla. I think there might be some tickets available for one of the four shows there. And then we're off on the Kill Tony, back to the Kill Tony World Tour. It starts again in Phoenix, Arizona, Las Vegas, Nevada, Salt Lake City, Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York.

And then it wraps up in New York, New York at the Gramercy Theater. And then we go straight into Skank Fest from there for some fun shows. Don't forget the road to Kill Tony Mania is in Sacramento in October and then of course we do four shows in San Francisco, the second annual Kill Tony Mania. Other dates are going to be added really soon.

If you live anywhere else, keep your ear close to the headphones. Congratulations to Los Angeles residents and fans of Kill Tony. You have an amazing show coming towards you tonight. And next week, the guest will be,

for the very first time, Nick Swartzen, everyone. Wow! That's a big deal. Hell yeah. You thought we were going to chill, but we're not. And, you know, booking guests for the show is not easy. You know, hiring is challenging but there's one place you can go where

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It's not like that gas station boner pill that you can get. Yep, we absolutely love it. And you know what else gets me all revved up in that way? Caveman coffee. Oh, hell yeah. Yep, gives me all the energy I need to perform great sexually and mentally. Right now, you can go to cavemancoffeeco.com, enter the promo code KILTONY, save 15%. I mean, I literally drink this stuff every day.

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those crazy L.A. coffee joints. I recommend putting a little sweet cream in here. I bet you do. You are an advocate for sweet cream in more ways than one, Brian Redman. So, were you guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? Here we go.

We're live. Every single episode, I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this week's No Different. You know her from her podcast, Sharp Tongue, coming fresh off a big JRE episode. One of my favorite comedians in the world. It's the great and powerful Jessamay Peluso, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go. Hey powerful Jessamay Peluso, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Hey! Jessamay! Here we go. This is Jessamay's believe it or not, shockingly, this is a crazy fun fact, this is Jessamay's first time ever as a Kill Tony

guest. I can't even believe that. I can't believe that either. A crazy oversight, perhaps, on my part. I think you were busy a couple of the times I've asked you before. I probably was. I probably was busy shaving. It takes a while. I'm Sicilian and it's coarse. I'm still working on it. I'm the same way. Not a lot of people know this.

I shave everywhere from the neck down. You're probably bald like a baby. Just soft. I take a four hymns, everything grows right back. It's incredible. Just amazed at the Albany Funnybone June 7th through the 9th. Her podcast Sharp Tongue is one of my favorites. I listen

to it. Shut the fuck up. You listen to it. You were listening to it on the way here, weren't you? Were you blasting it? I don't even listen to it. I take my top down and I turn it all the way up. Anybody's like, what the fuck are you listening to? Shark Pug with Jessamay.

Oh, that's so funny. I am hyped up on Caveman Coffee today. I am too, man. Nothing but energy. I feel like it's like a morning zoo episode. Hey, coming up next, we are comedian. Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! All right. Obviously, I'm the only one feeling the energy in here. Clearly, the room just staring at me. Normally, I'm not the silly part of the show. We have a band on this show, Jess and Maple. What? You have a band?

Is it a real band? It's a real band sponsored by Ludwig. They're the best damn band in the land. Every single week, they commit to being different characters, and they stay in character throughout the show, making jokes, asking questions, figuring it all out in their character. Sometimes it's a character we've seen before. Sometimes it's a brand new

character. Let's see what they are tonight. Shall we? Make some noise for the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. The Kill Tony band. Oh! Douchebags!

We know these guys. They have been on many times. Wow. This is huge. The douchebags are back, ladies and gentlemen. What is he doing? It's like a human sperm. It's like a sea monkey of some kind.

I know this guy. This is for sure a douchebag. Am I correct? What's up, dude? My name's Tad. All right. Tad it is. I'm going to write that down so I don't mess that up later.

That it is. I'm going to write that down so I don't mess that up later. We got Tad Jeremiah, whose new haircut match is that of a punk douchebag. So that's pretty exciting. Oh, wow. It does. And then we have Chroma Chris over there looking good. Chroma, how are we tonight? Good.

Name's Brock Tony. Okay. We got Brock. Brock Stevenson. Brock what? Dude, don't worry about that last name, dude. Awesome. And then back here we have

what appears to be a pizza delivery boy who... Dude, a job's a job, dude. My name's Connor, Tony. Oh, Connor. Nice to meet you, dude. I recognize the douchebags because i actually was once a member of the band one time on this show i was a member of the band and i had to go

way out of my element that episode and be a douchebag uh i remember you saying this shit is easy dude i think i i think i remember that i believe i I brought my melodica with me. Your finger cymbals? Did you play finger cymbals? What did you play? I played a little keyboard, like a sax keyboard thing. I played Careless Whisper and the other two songs that Jeremiah used to know. Dude, I just noticed there's a hot chick on stage with us. Oh, come on, Tad.

Be polite. I showered, yeah. I put on some lipstick just for you, Tad. Be polite. I showered, yeah, I put on some lipstick just for you, Tad. Dude, this is hot. Hell yeah. Well, here we go. We have the douchebags. We have Jessamay. We have Red Band.

I'm all hopped up on Caveman Coffee. And I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. This is the main frame of the show. Pull your name out. They get to do stand-up comedy. They get 60 seconds. Your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then,

or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. Man. He seems angry tonight. That must be the bear that was at Dan Blazarian's Easter party. Oh, God. Did you see that? A little electric fence around him. That must be the bear that was at Dan Blazarian's Easter party. Did you see that? A little electric fence around him.

That guy is a god! Dad on fire. And then we interview you. We talk to you about your life, what makes you different and special, and we figure out more about you. So let's do it, shall we? You guys want to start tonight's show? We're live. Here we go.

I'm excited about this. Get in there. How many of you are fans of Kill Tony? How many of you have listened? How many of you like it when comedians do good on the show? How many of you like to when comedians do good on the show? How many of you like to see people bomb?

Wow, this is a good crowd. Angry audience tonight. I like it like this. Animals. I like it like this. Okay. This looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here.

Put your hands together. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Shoshana Guy. Shoshana Guy. Wow, that's a name. All the way from the farthest table. Hey. All right. Here we go.

One more time for Shoshana Guy, everyone. What's up, y'all? What's up? What's up, what's up? The ass augmentation's really taking the world by storm, huh? Everybody wants the fake booty, right? White girls are getting it. Black girls are getting it. Armenian girls are getting it. Huh girls are getting it. Armenian girls are getting it.

Huh? They call it the Kardashian effect. Right? Because apparently, Kim Kardashian's leading the aspirate. Kill Tony. Let's straighten this out right now. All right? Who runs Ass Palace?

Huh? Who runs Ass Palace? White people. let's go. Black girls, that's who. All right? We run Ass Palace. Black girls' asses are like the goodie bag from God for putting up with white women all these years. Okay? And I just feel like, you know, since we're the reigning ass queens, there should be some taxes on this shit. since we're the reigning ass queens, there should be some taxes on this shit.

Okay? Like if you're a white girl and you go out to the store and you buy yourself a black ass, you should have to marry a felon. Bitch in, bitch in shit. I did my time. Roll up your sleeves. I shepherded some of these motherfuckers

back in this city. Wow. There you go. Shoshana Guy. What's up? I love your style. This is your first time on the show, huh? It's my first time ever.

I can't believe I got picked first. Wow. Yeah. It happened. It happened. I don't know. You've never, you don't even, you don't even. I don't even know what's going on right now.

I love it. Perfect. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Great. All right. So let's talk about it.

All right. Now we just talked to you about life and your set and everything. Let's do this. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been dabbling for like a year but taking it seriously for maybe three months. Three months? Hell yeah. And you talk about

how black women have asses. Yeah, we do. We have that shit. You say we do. I couldn't help but to notice. Yo. Tony, in her defense, she is wearing camouflage. I'm wearing camouflage right now.

I'm wearing camouflage right now. Yeah. Yeah. So it's blending. And the words of Amanda Seals is ass on the down low. You don't even know what I got back here right now. Wow. You're right.

You don't even freaking know, dude. You don't freaking know, dude. You have no idea. You don't know. Wow. Yeah. I just know, dude. You have no idea. You don't know. Wow. I just know that ass is falling flatter than a lot of your punchlines did. Oh. I'm just kidding.

Welcome, Shoshana. What's up? What's up? So you've been dabbling in it a few years. Why just the dabble? No, not a few years. Three months. Got to listen.

Oh. Yeah. No, I thought you said you've been taking it seriously. Dabbling for a year. Yeah. No, dabbling for a year. Okay. Taking it seriously for like three months. Okay. Yeah. Gotta listen. Oh. Yeah. No, I thought you said you've been taking it seriously. Dabbling for a year. Yeah. No, dabbling for a year. Okay. Taking it seriously for like three months.

Okay. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Okay. So, why? Why? Why?

Yeah. Because I'm a journalist on The Lamb. Oh, cool. What do you write? What do you like to write? I produce network TV for 15 years. Wow. Whoa.

Look at that. Let me guess. Rachel Maddow show? No. 15 years. Wow. Look at that. Let me guess. Rachel Maddow show? No. Anything you want to talk about? No, definitely. I plead the fifth on this.

But you're out of the game completely. Yeah, I'm out of the game. I don't know. If I say more, I'll definitely be out of the game. Okay. Well, that's fun. Can you tell us more about your actual life? Have you lived in LA for a while? I've lived in New York for 20 years. I came out here in February, mid-February, just to avoid winter.

Oh, cool. Is that your first time moving to LA? Yeah. I've been here. I came on an assignment a couple times, but yeah, this is the first time for an extended period. Very cool. And what do you like about LA that you can't get in New York? Not much. Wow. No, no. I don't you can't get in New York? Not much.

Wow. No, no, I don't mean to shit on your city. It's nice. It's nice. The weather is lovely. The weather's good. Yeah, the weather's nice. Heck yeah, very good.

I've never heard a journalist put something so eloquently. The weather is nice. Very good. Shoshana, what are more fun facts about you? What do you like to do hobby-wise? I like roller skating. Really? Yeah.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I love roller skating. Out of all the times I've said you seem like the kind of person that likes roller skating, that's the first time anybody's ever actually answered roller skating. Four wheels, not blades. Four wheels. I always picture everybody's hobby being roller skating, and you're the one. Yeah, I'm it.

Where do you go roller skating? Well, here I've been going to Venice, but honestly, the music's kind of garbage, but it's okay. This is like top 40, not really house deep. But I have to go to World on Wheels because I haven't done that yet, so I've got to do that. Wow. You're dropping the names of a real skating rink in town. You got to go to Moonlight. Moonlight is where it's at. Where's Moonlight?

Glendale. Okay. I'll go to Glendale. I went there once for a milk and milk. Roller skate for a few hours. A lot of fun chances to knock over small children and not enough time for parents to pick you up. Because you go so fast. I don't want children there. You hate children? fast. Right. I don't want children there.

Like kid roadkill. You hate children? No, I like children, but it's not when I'm roller skating. They get in the way. Right. You just buck them out of the way. You have like speed skates or you have regular old school? No, I'm a dance skater.

You know, I like to bounce it. Really? Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Man, what I would give for a pair of roller skates right now to have you give us a little example of a... Sorry.

You've been roller skating your whole life? Yeah, pretty much. You know any special tricks or anything? Like if you had a specialty on a rink, like if you were trying to impress someone you're on a date with, what would you do? Go backwards.

I'd just stick my ass in their crotch. Wow, you're going back to that ass as a... You're still using that ass. They'd be like, what are you doing with your flat ass against my crotch? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I do not...

Shoshana, you get so mad at me. I noticed. Dude, you don't even know what she's working with back there, dude. You have no idea what she's working with, dude. You have even no idea, dude. Thank you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You're on my team. Yeah. I didn't know that you could be. I know. I'm definitely

on your team. I love you right now. I don't know why. I will marry you right now. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss right now. I don't know why. I will marry you right now. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Wow. Very impressive. That was a tad. Tony, can I just say. What have I gotten myself into?

Hold on. Joel Berg. I just want to say I loved you in Demolition Man. What's up? Joel Berg. I don't even have the reference, but I'll just go with it. I know I'm being roasted. Shoshana, I love it.

I love that you're doing it. You had the balls to sign up for a show like this. Your first time, what, at the Comedy Store? I did a bringer here once. I did do that. Well, you know, just fucking keep grinding it out. Keep writing. Take your chances.

There you go. Shosh you know, just fucking keep grinding it out. Keep writing. Take a chance. There you go. Shoshana Guy, ladies and gentlemen. Twitter it. Shoshana underscore Guy. That was fun, right? When was the last time you went roller skating? I used to love that shit back in the day. I was there a week ago.

Really? Yeah it was last week I got my own skates I probably shouldn't say that out loud Get the fuck out of here Wow Are they like rollerblades or No they're like she said Two and two

Old school Right But they're not the thicker wheel Not the speed skate type No just like the normal four I'm not a cheater I like to keep it equal See I like the fucking extra speed

I go wide wheels and I fucking I feel like you'd fly right through the wall But I don't fucking extra speed. I go wide wheels and I fucking... I feel like you'd fly right through the wall. But I don't want anybody to know that I roller skate, so when I go roller skating, I put on a luchador mask. A little fun fact. And a Lycra onesie. I have a membership.

Oh, I know this young man. This is an employee of the Comedy Store. He specifically told me earlier in the night that he's signing up and he hopes to get up. Make some noise for Isaac Allen, ladies and gentlemen. Isaac Allen. Wow. Hey. Wow.

Isaac Allen. Do we have to ban an employee from the comedy store? This is the first time we've ever had to blacklist an employee of the comedy store. That means he gets fired, right? I'm pretty sure that means he gets fired if he gets blacklisted. Yeah, he's not allowed to show up anymore. Anybody have eyes back there on Isaac Allen in that hallway? He can't be far.

Maybe he's in the bathroom, you know? Wow. Wow. Something's happening. It's a rough game out here in show business, ladies and gentlemen. And if he's going to the bathroom, he is literally shit out of luck because. Wow. We even gave him a long pause.

All right. It's getting brownlisted right now. Oh, no. All right. Back to the bucket we go. No Isaac Allen. Nobody's got him on the patio or the thing. What do you got back there?

Cell phone. Nothing. Somebody just held up their cell phone for no reason. Very good. Your audience is giving you the light. Thank you. Wow. Thank you, guys.

We're going to wrap it up any second. Back to the bucket we go then. Wow, this looks like an interesting name. They only put their Instagram. So that's always a good sign when on the line that says name and the line that says

Twitter, both are scratched out here. And they have written in their Instagram. I'm just gonna say it, see if anyone comes up. Make some noise for Attack the Dream. Attack the Dream. Oh, from the back corner. Wow, right next to the

reporter girl. Lucky corner. Right next to Shoshana Guy. That's crazy luck. The place to sit that's luckier than other places. Watch out for the camera. Wow. One more time for Attack the Dream, everyone.

Hello, everybody. So this morning I woke up at Coachella, and last night was absolutely insane. I was VIP, front row section, and Justin Bieber was right across the fence from me. I was hanging out with some ladies, and one of them jumps over the fence and immediately latches onto a guy and looks at me and waits for me to come over. But I've seen online, I see pictures of Bieber walking around in public. He has this guy who looks like a Secret Service agent walking all over the place with him, and he was lurking around after this girl jumped over, and somehow I thought this super hot blonde chick had a little bit of better odds than I did jumping over that same fence. But now, honestly, now that the night's over, I feel like I probably should have taken whatever

hit I would have gotten if I had gone across that fence, because I need to advance my career. I need to meet some people. I need to meet some people. I need to get out there. But this guy, who else would have jumped across that fence? Like, for real. Okay, he's probably like 250 pounds pure muscle walking around with like a Desert Storm mask on.

Wow. Hell yeah. Here we go. Heck yeah. Bring it on, man. Attack the dream. go. Heck yeah. Attack the Dream. Welcome. This is very exciting. This is the first time we've ever had a black scarecrow on the show before.

Very exciting. Yes, a kicking scarecrow. Attack the Dream. Is that what you want us to call you? That's your stage name? Well, that's my company. That's my Instagram. Oh, okay. It's your company.

What does your company do? It's entertainment. I just dropped an audio book series. Yeah? What's your audio book about? Coachella? Layers. That went over my head, Tony.

But no, it's about ancient Egypt and this action-adventure piece. Super crazy. They go... So like the mummy. I would argue it's better in some regards because there's a lot of comical element in there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just going to different planets. Attack the Dream.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? My guess is you woke up today in Coachella and started today. Am I close to right on this? A thousand percent. Well, truth is I've been doing entertainment since I was a kid and coming up doing different shows. I knew the comedians were going to fucking make noise at that one.

But I was like, let's go hang out with Tony today. Literally the most poisonous thing you could say to someone that is trying their hardest at stand-up is, I've been an entertainer my whole life. You know. And stand-up comedy really isn't a fad. I gotta say, I like your Doctor Strange style, Tony.

You definitely developed, because I was here in 2017 and you were still baby-faced. I grew this last week. It's brand new. You didn't miss much. It didn't take 10 years. Dude, freaking liar, dude. That took nine months, bro. Like a little baby, dude. It got to this length last week.

Yes, no. I don't want to sound like I can grow. You were like, I'm in the alpac right now. Attack, what the fuck are you talking about? So, wait. So, you just started. Still on acid from Coachella. You're still at Coachella, man.

I've never seen a dude do stand-up in sandals and toe rings. That's a first for me. Wow, look at that. You need to attack those toes first of all, motherfucker. Those toes are barking. That's offensive. That's fucking offensive. Those

things are, this might be the nastiest set of feet we've ever had on this show. Coachella or nochella? What the fuck? Step away from the guest. Step away from the talent. Did you call it guest. Yeah, step away from the talent. Did you call it Tochella? Tochella.

Boom. Thank you. So you just started doing stand-up, but how long have you been doing get-up stand-up? Get up, stand up. What was supposed to be the funny part of your set? I mean, you just pretty just name dropped Justin Bieber. That's pretty much all you did.

What was the funny part? It was the concept of sitting there, watching this blonde jump across the fence, and then her waving for me to come over, and then me envisioning the way that I look, jumping across the fence with this security guard right there. And in my mind, I thought, okay okay if i did this thing i would probably get beat up pretty terribly but now on the other side of this whole thing i'm like wow it was worse the second time incredible incredible my god jesus attack the dream i had more fun at church yesterday. And I go to church in Sri Lanka, so it's pretty fucked up.

Oh, Jesus. Damn. Dude, I would love that if I got the reference. I don't read the news, you idiots. Very good, Tad. All right. Well, Attack, I mean, you know, what can I say? You seem like a really free spirit.

You seem like, you know, stand-up's one of those things that you have to take seriously. You think you're going to take it more seriously or sort of just stay like a jack-of-all-trades type of character? Well, you know, I should probably, you know, really narrow it down. I don't think I'm going to be a stand-up comedian. I mean, I've been kind of watching your show. Wow, look at the crowd. Wow, standing ovation.

The whole audience is standing up. Wow, that is the first time that's ever happened on this show. Does everyone actually think they're going to be like a stand-up guy because they're here in the Comedy Store hanging out with you? Yeah, the Comedy Store is a stand-up comedy club. It is... Out of all the different... Have you seen the people

on your show? Yeah, no... No stand-up, no cry, dude. Some of them... Singing don't worry. No, no, no. Some of them struggle sometimes, but that might be that minute

or, you know, maybe they're having a rough night. You, I don't think it was really either one. I don't think... I don't think it was like a rough it was just a story i thought would be interesting well this is a stand-up comedy show you're supposed to do funny comedy bits on it you're not just supposed to do your journal you know like whatever the fuck that dude by the power vested in me i dismiss dismiss you, dude. Hey, well, ladies, gentlemen, thank you.

There he is. Attack the dream, everybody. Attack the dream. Go on. There he goes. Attack the dream. There he goes. Goddamn hippie.

Attacking the dream indeed. It's like Arrested Undeveloped. Yeah. That was a, that was a, it's interesting. Not very often do we get to see one of the mops from the comedy store perform here. They say this place is haunted. You know, I see a guy standing in the walkway. Normally, I don't

I love it. Make some noise for Danny Lucas up in the bird's nest. Get exposing him with a light. You know, normally we don't ever do this in the history of the show. I don't think it's ever happened. But I'm going to allow it this once. Make some noise

for the comedian that was pulled out of the bucket before him that wasn't here. Isaac Allen, everybody. Here we go. We're going to give him a chance. All right. One more time for Isaac Allen. Yeah.

Welcome to this comedy club that's called the Comedy Store. Millennial, I hate being a millennial because we try and prove we're better than people by stating the year that it is. It's a weird little trick. Watch out if you've ever seen it. When someone does something ignorant, like, for example, if a white lady clutches a purse when a black dude walks by, someone might look at her and be like, come on, lady, it's 2019. That's the thing that's gonna change

their whole life forever about black people. It's just like, oh, thank you for saying what year it is. No one ever did that when people actually gave a shit about each other, about life. No one in the 18th century was like, hey, you wanna go burn a witch at the stake? Bro, it's 1773. Let's go dump tea off this harbor in Boston,

like normal people, fucking idiot. Hey, you wanna go kill this messiah Dude It's fucking AD It's so BC Let's go stone this whore Like normal people Fucking idiot over here Let's talk about Jesus

Give me the big rock That one's mine I'm done Wow there you go. He knew his minute was up. Like a real professional. Yeah, professional. Isaac Allen is an employee of the Comedy Store.

You've worked here for a few years now. Yeah. You've been on this show a few times, right? One time. One time. Wow. You're so memorable. He had long hair back then.

He just cut his hair. I remember. I called him an avatar, right? You remember that? Yeah. The avatar for myself. Heck yeah. So Isaac, that was fun.

Very, very interesting. How's life been going since the last time you were on this show? Good and shitty. Tell us the shitty part. I want to know that, too. I went through a divorce. That was fun. Wow. Fuck women, right?

Tad's giving it a standing ovation like he's the guy that slept with your wife. Totally, dude. My wife. What happened with your marriage, Isaac? You were married for what? 20 years? 15 years? How old of a nation do you think this guy marriage, Isaac? Yeah, you were married for what? 20 years? 10?

15 years? How long was it? Dude, how old of an Asian dude do you think this guy is, dude? Hold on. How many questions was that? I know. Six months. A lot. 32 years old.

Okay. Six months. Six months. Yeah. What happened there? How long were you with her before you got married? Like a year. A year?

Yeah. Hell yeah. It was bad. It was bad. What made you get married? Fucking some dumb love. A year? Yeah. Hell yeah. It was bad. It was bad. What made you get married? Fucking some dumb, like, love. I don't know. It was like, it was, yeah.

Dude, love is a traitor, dude. So why did it end, Isaac? What was the final death blow in your six-month-long marriage? She had too many abuse issues. Like, what do you mean by abuse issues? Like, I hit her too much. Hey. Look at that.

Dude, that was my favorite joke of the night. I should have just been up here. You guys like hitting women? Me too. No, no, no. She had a lot of issues in her past, and she never worked on it on her own. So you're just like, fuck this until death do us death do us part you're crazy you didn't know this before no she said that she was like you're gonna probably hit me someday and i'm like i've never

hit anyone wow never even hit a fucking dude jesus really pussy that's not an invitation why not you gay dude fuck yeah you've really never hit a dude you've never gotten into a fight before You gay, dude? Fuck yeah. You've really never hit a dude? You've never gotten into a fight before? No, I've never hauled off and thrown a haymaker at a dude, but I've hit someone. Yeah, what was the situation when you hit someone?

What happened there? What did they do to you? There was another girl involved. I was hitting this woman. Whoa. All right. No, this guy liked the girl I was dating. Liked the girl I was dating Like fucking Guy liked a girl you were dating

And so When I was walking away With her He was He's like a stalker He like walked by And then he just bum rushed me And tried to

He was like twice my size He's a big fat motherfucker And he tried to take me to the ground So I just We just both were like swinging Yeah Did you see what happened out there? Danny accidentally hit the light It hit my buddy Rick Kosick

and he's just like I'm Rick Cossack. Welcome to, ugh. That was the best ever. So, Isaac, what do you do to pass the time now that you're no longer married? And what do you do for fun other than stand-up comedy? I mean, you're a full-time stand-up comedian doing jokes about God and shit. Yeah, that's it.

That's just an hour of God shit on the road. No, I just been, I used to be a musician, so I play music. Yeah, what kind of music? Like all the time. Rock and roll, punk, blues, jazz, all of it. I'm very talented. Any instrument in particular that you play? Drums is like my primary instrument.

Are you fucking with me right now? Are you serious? Well, you know what that means. Get back there, Joel. I don't know if you know this, Isaac, but on this show, there is a segment called the Mexican Drum Off, in which if you know how to play the drums, you can compete to become the new full-time drummer

of the Kill Tony band. Do I play with tostadas? You play with what? Tostadas. The potato chip? That's racist. Again, that's not... We don't do that kind of humor here. Dude, I love this guy! So, Isaac,

you do a drum solo, and then Joel Berg gets to do a drum solo. And if you beat him, you're the new drummer of the band. We're going on a world tour. I mean, your entire life's going to change if you win this. Dude, tell him what happens if he loses, though, dude. I will let you know that if you lose, nothing happens at all. In my career, nothing happens. Yeah, it's really nothing.

Unless you want to do that thing with your old hair, make someone eat your old hair. Ooh. What are you talking about? I still have it. I don't know what you're talking about, dude. You have your old hair? I have my old hair, yes.

Wow. All right. Well, if you lose, then you bring your old hair here next week and you eat it on this stage. Eat it? How many of you would like to see that next? What the fuck? Can I do it?

The people love it. Everybody up here seems against the idea. Meanwhile, the crowd. Something new. Quite the refillable show you've created. You can ask them anything right now and they'd applaud. OK, if he loses, does he have to suck Tony's dick? Hell yeah

Okay, let's eat hair next week, dude Well, I mean, of course They're gonna want him to suck my dick, Jeremiah Yeah Dude, you just fell into my trap, bro Alright My name's freaking Tad, dude Alright, well, let's do it It's a Mexican Drum Up with Isaac Allen, everybody All right. My name's freaking Tad, dude.

All right, well, let's do it. It's a Mexican Drum Off with Isaac Allen, everybody. Now, remember, it's very important to remember during this show that when deciding the winner of the Mexican Drum Off, it's about overall performance, it's about the drums, it's about the comedy, it's about overall, you know, showmanship. So here he goes, starting off the Mexican drum off tonight. Challenging for the biggest job of his entire comedy career, it's Isaac Allen.

Whoa, he sounds good already. Thank you. It's a long drum solo. Wow. What did we miss? I missed something. I don't know what it was. Oh, he threw the drumstick up and caught it? He put the sticks. All right.

Well, Isaac, come on. Leave the drumsticks there and step on up here. Honestly, I don't think that was much of a competition. Joel didn't even go yet, Red Band. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Joel may have gone backstage and fell and broke both of his arms. We don't know what could happen here.

Anything could happen. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, undefeated at this contest, make some noise for the reigning defending drummer of the Kill Tony Band, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! Wow. Wow. He's only wearing underwear. It's his underwear.

His underwear is tucked into his butt cheeks for some reason. Yeah, it's that YouTube version of what he uses. I've been legally told I can't get naked anymore because they serve food here. Yeah. Makes sense. It's your anymore because they serve food here. Yeah. Makes sense. It's your cousins that serve the food here.

Ladies and gentlemen, trying to keep his job, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez! Thank you. Wow, he sucked the drumsticks like they were penises. Incredible. Just incredible. Wow, he sucked the drumsticks like they were penises. Incredible. Just incredible. Wow. There you go. Mind-boggling performance.

How many of you have, Isaac, step up here? Step up here. I've never beat a Down Syndrome adult before. Wow. He's just rubbing it in at that point, really just putting the icing on the cake. How many of you have Isaac Allen winning this? That guy

really liked it. A couple crazy hipsters from Los Feliz over here that just like to go against the grain. They probably like fish. They probably still go to fish concerts. How many of you think Joel Berg got that one? There you go. Well, Isaac, I'll tell you this.

Being able to drum is better than not being able to drum. There he goes, Isaac Allen, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Yeah. Heck yeah. I didn't mean to say he had Down syndrome, but he definitely didn't have Up syndrome. Oh, jeez.

What? Poor guy. I mean, he just lost. I mean, these people are coming for my fucking job, dude. Go fuck yourselves, dude. I make them famous, dude. He's not coming very hard. You should go to 4hims.com.

Thank you. Thank you. There you go. Use the passcode KILLTONY. That's right. Passcode, huh? All right. This is definitely a new name.

I would remember this name if I've seen it before because I hope I pronounced this name right. Mixed noise for Cor Cohen. Cor Cohen. Right out of that same little area there. Far side of the main road. Time for Cora Cohen, everyone. Hello. Excited to be here. A little bit about me.

My name is Cora Cohen. Congratulations. You got it right. I've lived in 22 cities across America. And some people have nicknames for their genitalia. My secret have to be the, my favorite have to be the ladies of the American South. Because they like to call theirs a cookie. That's sweet.

I like to call mine the breakfast of champions. Start the day right. Cold, soggy, chock full of disappointment and regret. You didn't finish that master's degree and be somebody? Holy shit, this is the first time I've ever been early, ever, on a set. That's my time. There you go, Cork Cohen.

Ball with a ball, to bag, to bag, ticket, ticket, to the Pacific, number six, drop the boogie. Welcome to the show, Corkoen. Very fun. You've been doing this a little while, huh? Yeah, about 10 years. 10 years. Where at?

Right now I live in Portland, Oregon. I'm just down here. I just wrapped up stunt school. I've been doing stunt training for the last four years. Really? That is so fucking cool. Yeah, that's why I'm dressed like this to do stand-up, by the way. I had a photo shoot earlier.

You're dressed like a stunt woman. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. That is so cool. So what have you been doing in stunt school? Like what kind of things have you been learning? High falls, so learning how to jump towards the ground at like 30, 40 feet. Wow. Can you dive out to the audience and show us an example?

It's all about trusting your team, and I got to tell you. I trust these fuckers. No, I don't trust that audience. Dude, I'll jump into this freaking crowd if you do, dude. Whoa. How many of you people at that table want to be jumped on? Just kidding. They're ready.

Sorry, Adam. Just kidding. It's been pretty cool. I got to do parkour work with the guy who does all the stunts for Spider-Man. Jesus Christ. That was fucking awesome. That is so exciting. That's awesome.

Is there something you could do to give us an example of your agility or something like that? I don't know. I'm just so taken back right now because you are definitely my type. I cannot tell if you have an English degree. You're talking about type type?

Yeah. Me? Really? Yeah. Wow. No, dude. Blood type. She's going to suck your blood, you idiot. Jesus. That's actually accurate. Yeah. Wow. No, dude. Blood type. She's going to suck your blood, you idiot.

Jesus. That's actually accurate. Yeah. Tad, you are such a douchebag. You're my type because you're married, and I can't tell if you have an English degree or a drug problem. It's like definitely. You can have both of those things.

Are you getting roasted? I mean, I don't know. Actually, I have to tell you, I've never been to this show. I just showed up for the potluck and my friend was like, I was talking about your, because she said you were hosting it. I said, oh, that's exciting. I said, Tall Guy,

you're playing Portland next week, right? Something like that? Not next week, but May 17th. We're at the Aladdin Theater. Yes, yes. I said, okay. I've heard of him. I was like, heavy advertising. I was like, skinny guy, she goes, yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's totally my type. I don't know if you're on drugs or in poverty.

Either way. No, I'm neither. Both, that's really my type. I'm neither one. I just smoke pot and I'm super successful. But yeah. Never mind then. No, it's interesting.

And I don't like Wheaties so there might be something to add to your Breakfast of Champions joke Colwett and Soggy and perhaps has an athlete on the front of it. That's nice. If you say it during the thing it might have some

momentum going in there. Wait what? What did you say? I can't believe that I'm your type. I mean, I don't want to insult. You are sitting down though. I don't want to insult anybody in this room, but if I had to guess what your type would be.

It would be me? No. Yeah, it would be the majority of the members of the Apollo 13. It's true. Have you ever been with a black man before? I have not been with a black man. Of all the stunts you've learned, you would think.

I like her solid choice to chew gum during the set. That was impressive. Very confident. Way too comfortable, always. Yet you sort of didn't chew it during the set. You sort of came out of your... You hit it somewhere under the tongue. That's how you know I'm a pro.

Yeah, that's how. That's how you know. What have you done for a living up until stunting? Yeah, I own my own personal assistance and concierge business. So, I help rich people either stay married or get divorced. That's kind of my job is either to make sure that their wife is completely happy and that their life is really easy or to,

handle all the paperwork for the divorce because I failed at the first part of my job. That's kind of how I feel about it. That's incredible. You make a living doing that. Yeah, no, yeah. You don't like drive Uber too or something like that? No, I'm a really bad driver. I'm a really bad driver.

Have you been in any accidents? As a driver or passenger? Sure, as a driver. Yeah, I've been in zero accidents as a driver. I've been in eight accidents as a passenger. Well, you're bad luck, dude. Every time I drive a car, I'm very white knuckle. I've been in eight accidents as a passenger. Every time I drive a car, I'm very white knuckle.

I'm just like the entire time. I hate it. How have you been in eight car accidents as a passenger? Are you really that much into poor drug addicts? I am. I lived in East Tennessee for a long time.

I lived in East Tennessee. East Tennessee time. You lived where? I lived in East Tennessee. East Tennessee. Good reference. We get it. In the mountains. I don't sound like I'm from there, but I lived there for a long time. Right. So you say that you're into guys that either are a drug addict or have an English degree.

What kind of drugs have the guys that you've been with been on? For hymns.com, perhaps? Actually, that's total bullshit. I have dated a lot more people with English degrees than drug problems, unfortunately. But I always think that they're like a bad boy until I just find out that they're poor. For those of you wondering why there's laughter happening, it's because Tad is doing some type of perhaps workout or sexual thrust or something. Sexual thrust?

Tad, you want to verbalize what you're doing a little bit for the podcast listeners? Dude, I'm about to nut in my pants right now, dude. Wow. You have a little crush on Cora? What would you do? Please don't. What would a douchebag do if you got a chance to take Cora Cohen back to your place?

Do you not? Alright, there you go. What would you do, Shbag, do if you got a chance to take Cork Cohen back to your place? Do you not? Wow. All right. There you go. Tad, what would you do with Cork Cohen if... Well, first, I would take her on a romantic date by starting to teach her how to butt chug. Wow. Butt chug?

I just said I lived in East Tennessee. We invented butt chugging at the University of Knoxville. Shut your face right now, dude. Shut it. Tad keeps getting in the comedian's faces tonight. Tony, can I just say, you are the funniest Rachel Ray lookalike we've ever had. Oh, thank you. She's like if Rachel Ray got high on her own supply.

Fair. Thicker. She looks like she threw puppies in a dumpster the other day. Wow. Is that true? Also accurate. Dude, I get that reference.

That was amazing, dude. All right. Holy shit. Well, Core, I mean, I loved your set. Anything else for Core, guys? What do you got? I like the fact that you're wearing workout pants. This is definitely stuntman shit.

You're rocking the fucking Kill Bill shoes. Can you teach us any stunts that we could learn right now without having to go to school and stuff like that? Any stunts that you could learn right now? Is there something cool? Do you know how to fall down and not hurt yourself or something like that? Bounce right back up. I do know how to do that, but I just did that for five fucking weeks.

Okay, yeah. So I don't want to do that anymore. Oh, sorry to be a burden on you, dude. Wow. One more freaking time. You've done it for five weeks. I think your bodies can handle it, dude. Pat, I'm glad you know you're a burden to all women.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Dude, do you mean that? We just met. I've never listened to this podcast, and I feel really sorry for what I said. Wow, Jesus, you're really rubbing it in deep there, Cora. I love that. That's the new thing.

It's like, I don't know what the fuck's going on up here. I just sign up for anything. I'm excited to be here. I appreciate the opportunity. Thank you. You're not going to fall. There she goes. Cora Cohen, no, don't fall.

Don't do it, Cora. Ball with a ball, bang, bang, bang, tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-tickety-t She had a perhaps I mean I would love to see what that booty would look like in camouflage overalls because I'm pretty sure I'd still be able to see it even if it was covered up by camouflage overalls Slimy middle

That first look was called flat earth Tony That was Chroma Chris for you listening to the podcast Silent but deadly. When he strikes like lightning, it is electric. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? You get it? Anything can happen.

Anything can happen. As we've seen tonight, half these people that signed up don't even know what the fuck they're at. It's unbelievable. Make some noise for your next comedian, Alex Minkin, everybody. Wow, we got a bunch of new people. I wish that you would

step back from that ledge, my friend. This guy's casually walking up. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you... One more time for Alex Minkin. Hey, everyone. I just wanted to tell you that my dad's a huge fan.

He's got a picture of you on the wall. Except it's a picture of me, and he just has your face over mine. As a baby. And he's one of those dads that, like, takes diarrhea photos. So that's what it is. My goal was to creep you out. Have you done? I think I'm done. You have 20 seconds left if you want to use it. Are you done? I think I'm done.

You have 20 seconds left if you want to use it. Oh, really? Nothing else that you wanted to say? Wow. Alex Minkin, everybody. There you go. Jesus. Doing nothing.

Doing less than nothing. Very impressive, Alex. Your lack of doing anything was amazing. You can always tell when a person brings a bottle of beer up for a 60-second set that somehow you're douchier than all the members of the band tonight. You are awful, dude. Incredible. You fucking suck.

Tony, let's just kick him off and get somebody else up here. Wow. All right. Let's do it. He didn't even do anything. Tony's conflicted. I honestly, I didn't have a routine planned. Are you a comedian?

So what made you sign up tonight? My friends convinced me to. Your friends convinced you to? Where are your friends? Dude, your friends are awesome, bro. I want to cunt punt your friends. Your friends are fans of the show? Awesome.

I mean, I don't understand. What made you guys come here? They're comedians? I'm not a comedian, yes. I know you're not, but your friends are comedians? Yes. And they signed you up. You're just hanging out with your comedian friends tonight.

Is that okay? God, I can't imagine what type of sad life you must have. If this is our first impression, is that okay? You're on a show that you signed up for. Did you sign up with your handwriting? That's your website that you put on the Twitter thing? No. It's not?

So someone with the same handwriting as you, even though you just said that you signed up, put a website underneath? What is it, cook.com? All right, Alex. Well, very fun. Girls, this is the type of guy to avoid on every vacation you go on because you'll never see your family again.

Ground zero for date rape and murder. Right, Chia? Dude, did somebody say date rape? I did. I know, Ted. I get your whistle. Your whistle wet. I mean, you know, it's just one of those things to where I would love to figure

out more about you, Alex, but you just seem like one of those people that's going to be eternally disappointed in life and that any more attention that we give you is just going to give you fuel because you feed off of negativity and murder people. And just sadness.

That's so mean. No, it's not about being mean. See, Alex, I'm being honest. If this is who you are on this show, then this is who you are in life. Dude, you suck. It's bigger than that. It's bigger than that. And whatever you like sucks.

There he goes. Alex Minkin, ladies and gentlemen. You did it. There he is. Balls to the wall. Alex Minkin. There you go. That's a real fucking real winner right there. Alex Minkin.

Hide your kids. Hide your wives. Oh, it is. It was from the fucking hip table. I have that radar on, okay? I know when there's a crazy in the house. It was the table that thought that the other guy beat Joel Berg in the drum off, by the way. The table of hipsters. Nothing better than good old alt comedy here on Kill Tony.

Always does good. Running an experiment. Okay, make some noise for this name. This looks new. Make some noise for Anisha. Anisha Madhawk, everyone. Anisha Madhawk. Anisha Madhawk. One more time for Anisha Madhawk.

Stop pretending like you know me. I'm not famous. I think women in L.A. are pretty weird. I think it's so interesting how women in L.A. who have plastic surgeries are against genetically modified food. who have plastic surgeries are against genetically modified food. Like, you have silicon in your tits,

but you're against the hormones in the apples? One of them's my aunt. She's like, Anisha, I'm going to go to Dr. Sheila Nazarian to get my Botox level 2. Dr. Sheila Nazarian is the best plastic surgeon in L.A. Are you all taking notes? And then she's like, I'm going to go to Trader Joe's to buy organic fruits and vegetables. She's a Trader Joe hoe. I have like a whole rap song on her, but I just have a minute. Okay. I once had an Armenian

Uber driver and I was telling him funny stories about my life, you know, and I noticed that his way of laughing was like, ah, okay. Imagine watching Friends with an Armenian laughing soundtrack. Rachel, I love you. Okay, okay. Anisha Madhawk, everyone. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. Hell yeah. Awesome. Anisha, just great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, seriously, a year, but, you know, high school stand-up since I was 15. High school stand-up? Yeah. What do you mean? Like I was doing stand-up comedy in my high school.

At your high school? Yeah. Like in high school? Yeah. What's with these? Like, I was doing stand-up comedy in my high school. At your high school? Yeah. Like, in high school? Yeah. What's with these chicken nuggets? Am I right? Homework sucks. What type of stuff would you talk about in high school?

Can you give us an example of some of your high school stand-up? Yeah. Like, I had really shitty jokes about homework and teachers and how our principal sucks. So it was like, know your audience, you know. That shit won't work here. I had my peak in the sixth grade, but that shit dies out too. I had my ups and downs. Heck yeah.

You ever notice how Principal Williams is divorced? That's crazy, dude. It's like, stay together with your wife, you retard. So, Anisha, let's talk about it. What happened to your jeans here? Did you get attacked by a... The comedian before her. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Please don't get me in the parking lot on the way out. The comedian before her had worse genes than she does. His are running through his veins. At the right angle, you could almost... What? Nothing.

Long story. It's a long story. Brian, are you being gross? No. Red band. Full bush. However, if any... Red band. Shame. Jesus.

What would make you just assume that she has a full bush? No, I wasn't talking about that. Oh, okay. Wait, but do you? I'm trying to set up for a camel toe joke here, but I don't know how to do it properly. Something about you being Indian camel toe, but you don't have one anyway.

Anisha, let's keep it on stand-up. You've been doing stand-up a year. You seem like you're young, right? Yeah, I'm legal to get into this club. That's what I'm talking about. Legal, dude. Finally 21. I love it.

I'm very happy. So you are 21? Is that your exact age? Yep. What's it like being 21? I mean, I don't have to shake while giving my D. It's kind of cool, you know? Legal.

Yeah. What do you like to do for fun? For fun, I like to play tennis and ballet. And now it's just comedy. Really? You do ballet? Yeah. Are you still in high school? I look like the kind of girl who does ballet, don't I? Yeah, no, yeah, of course. You seem like you would do ballet while

riding on top of a train. Close. Skateboard. I smell ticonderoga shavings. I think she's still in high school. Yeah. Can you like plie or whatever it's called? Yeah, I was going to say, can you give us a little example

of what some of your ballet would seem like if we were to... I don't even know exactly how ballet works. Somehow my whole life, I don't ever think I've seen anybody do ballet live. Would you mind giving us a little example of ballet? Let's have some music. I'll do ballet. Oh, okay.

Oh, my God. Wow. It's very impressive. Wow. Wow. My goodness. That was wonderful. Okay. Wow. My goodness. That was wonderful.

Okay. That was my favorite rendition of Crack Swan that I have ever seen. Wow. I can't believe that someone that looks like you did that dance with a hula hoop with bells attached to it. Oh, wow. Monkey brain? I was trying to play to the stereotype, you know, like trying to be Jasmine belly dancing a little in between.

No, it was great. Yeah, absolutely. Tad, what do you got over there? What are you thinking over there? I mean, this has been a crazy episode for you. Dude, have you ever freaking dated an older dude before? Because guess what? I could teach you a freaking dated an older dude before? Because guess what?

I could teach you a lot of things, dude. You're married, Tad. No, I'm not. I'm freaking Tad. Shut up, everybody. What kind of guys do you date normally? Yeah, what kind of guys are you into? Are you into like smart Indian guys?

Not Indian, please. Whoa. Whoa. Shots fired. What about what? I can say that. Whoa. Shots fired. I can say that. I'm into smart guys. Not that kind of Indian, Joel. What up?

Many moons I came down from the mountains. Wow, you do a good Indian impression. Wow. Sister Anisha. That's not Indian. What about white dudes who teach wakeboarding lessons on the side sometimes? No.

I don't know. I'm figuring out. What kind of guys are you into? Is there like a type that you have? Is there something? Rich old white guys. No. Oh, I'm projecting.

No, no, no. I'm so cool for rich old white guys. Is there a certain type of person you would never go on a date with? Is there a certain type or color or race or. Bacon soda. No, come on, Brian. He loves that bacon soda. Red band.

I feel like, okay, I don't know what my type isn't, but my type is definitely smart and just attractive. E equals MC square? What? Yeah, like that stuff. I was just trying to sound smart. Sorry, never mind. Moving on.

Sorry, I had a moment there. Is Isaac Allen still here? Yeah. No, dude, I fucking blew him into smithereens, dude. He's dead. he's fucking himself in the bathroom anisha uh did you uh go to college yes graduated yes uh what did you get a degree in i got a degree in theater and screenwriting but i was first physics wow you see you seem like such a you seem like such a smart put put-together, balanced person.

By the way, your comedy, good. I think, you know, as long as you've been doing it and the charisma that you have that you should absolutely keep doing this and stick with it. But before you go, I have one more question. You seem so put-together, so smart,

so, right? I bet, like, everything's, like, organized in your little apartment or whatever, right? No, no, no, no. So tell me something that we would be surprised to know about you. Tell us something, like, what's, like, the dark side of Anisha, like, something that you're into or that we would be shocked to know. That sounds like a Harry Potter book, dude, Dark Side of Anisha. Yeah, I should write a book the dark side of anisha well i was a mistake wow in the we were all mistakes by the way uh give it up for that then in the

indian culture uh that's a bigger deal huh yeah they plan on it what birth name is I should have pulled out Did your parents have a lot of kids Before you or after you You're the only child Wow so you're a true mistake My goodness Maybe they were having sex Slum doggy style

Thank you Tad came in for the high five on that one were having sex slum doggy style. Thank you. Tad came in for the high five on that one. That was good. How about another hand for Anisha Madhawk, everyone? There she goes. There you go. Next. Let's do Back to the Bucket we go.

Wow, a lot of ladies on tonight's episode. Make some noise for Gwendolyn Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. Gwendolyn Gonzalez. Wow. Oh, no. Wow. From the same table as the hip people. Oh, no. Wow. Oh, no. From the same table as the hip people. Wow. Here we go.

Hello. I thought I wouldn't be intimidated because I don't know you guys. The only comedians I heard about are Jim Carrey and Austin Powers. But come on. Alex is my friend. And he's so kind. And I'm all scared. But I have kind of a joke.

We'll see. What about, what's going on with catcalling in this country? Honestly. Catcalling, right? That's how we say it? Because in France, yeah, I know I speak perfect English, but I'm French. Big surprise. They used to say, woohoo.

And then I moved to China. When I was in China, nothing. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to the U.S. So catcalling is going to be back. And not much. So where is it? Wow. That's impressive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a whole table of you people here today. Wow. That's impressive. So there's a whole table of you people here today. Huh? Who's the friend that made you guys sign up? What's his name? The faggot is my husband. What's your husband's name? Whoa. Wait, what?

What? You did say baggot, right? A baggot? His name's what, dude? Did you come up a baguette? It's his nickname. It's like honey, honey bunny. It's faggot.

Is she saying faggot or baguette? Dude, are you saying faggot? Because that's my favorite name ever, dude. Yeah, yeah. I love it. We got it out there. So what does your husband do for work? Well, he's a comedian, kind of.

Yeah, where does he perform at? No, Alex is not my husband. He's my husband's friend. No, I know. I'm asking about your husband specifically. Dude, that was hilarious, Redman. Wait, you're married? I'm asking about your husband specifically.

What does he do for work? He works with kids. Yeah, what does he do with kids? I don with kids. Yeah, what does he do with kids? I don't know. How do you not know? What do you mean you don't know? Making this shit up. You guys didn't plan for this fucking part, huh?

Can we talk about it? Did your husband tell you what things to answer and which one? Is he the one sitting Indian style there? His leg's wide open. Okay, Tad, go ahead. Yeah, can I just say Austin Powers is my favorite comedian too, dude? Very good. So your husband works with kids.

Do I make you horny, baby? What exactly does he do with kids? Do I? He helps them to have better marks. To have better... So he's a teacher. Yeah, where's he a teacher at? Here in Los Angeles?

No, in New York. No, in New York. What's the name of the school he teaches at? Do you know? He's a... He's a freelancer. He's a freelancer.

He's a financer? Freelancer? A freelancer. So he's a substitute teacher. Freelancer! Your husband is a substitute teacher. He's a tutor. He's a tutor. He's a tutor.

That's what he does professionally. Yes. Does he make good money, live in a nice place? That is good. New York City we're talking about? Brooklyn. Brooklyn. Wow, that's impressive.

So do you know what he specializes in tutor-wise? Are you going to stalk him or something? Yeah. What are you talking about? Why would we troll your husband who had his friend and his dumb wife sign up for the show? Why would we do that?

Why would I do anything to, you know, why would I bother him at all? I don't know. I don't know you. I only know Austin Powers. I know. I get it. I'm sure he probably told you that because that's what he thinks is funny, right? Just keep saying that you don't know Tony,

that you only know Austin Powers. I said that this morning, and then he said that's good. You came up with that yourself. Oh, he said that's good. But I said it. But you came up, you wrote that in your fucking head, didn't you? Dude. I only know the Austin Powers.

Hell yeah. Dude, he's a tutor, she's a squirter, dude. Fuck yeah, they both end in the sound-er. So Gwendolyn, what else about you? How long have you been with this guy? Two years, three years. Eight years. Oh, glad it's memorable.

Eight years. You've been with the tutor for eight years. Yeah, well, when I met him, he just graduated. He was a baby. Wow. How many times have you cheated on him? Never. Where did you guys meet? In Australia. In Australia. What were you doing in Australia?

Backpacking. He was too? Kind of. Yeah. He was on vacation. And then you saw him and you're like, this is the guy for me. I thought he was going to be a one-night stand. No, he can't do better than you. He had to lock it down, I'm sure of that.

I'm positive of that. If I've learned anything about this gentleman's character, he had to lock you down real quick. You go back to France often? No, but I'm going to go soon. Yeah, you should. You should go visit the Notre Dame Cathedral when you get back there.

Do some time traveling. It's a lot more breezy these days. Sure, it's great. That's what happens. Reverse karma when you fuck with Kill Tony's format. I go and I burn down a cathedral in your wife's home country. Did you do that, Tony? I did that. I'm saying I burn down a cathedral in your wife's home country. Did you do that, Tony?

I did that. I'm saying it on the air. I set the fire to the Notre Dame Cathedral. I'm saying it. I did it. Gwendolyn, wow. I mean, I don't know what to say. Your husband's a douchebag. There you go. Gwendolyn Gonzalez, everybody.

A French woman with a Gonzalez last name. We're flying through it tonight. Did she call him a faggot or a baguette? I still didn't hear it. She called him a faggot. He said they're both. He said he's gay, but also he's a bread. He's a faggot and a baguette.

He's a gay bread. We have a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. He's a goddamn sensation. I'm so excited to see what he's going to talk about this week. Make some noise for the great comedic stylings of William Montgomery. Come on, people. Make some noise for William.

Rufio! Rufio! Sorry, I thought y'all were fans of the movie Hook. Y'all were supposed to see Rufy on the third time. Seriously, it is so exciting to be here. Easter is my favorite holiday. I did a bunch of ecstasy earlier. I watched All Dogs Go to Heaven four times. It's probably the classic Easter movie. Sorry, I thought y'all had seen All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Pie right, pie wrong, it's gypsum. Sorry, I thought y'all were geology majors. My uncle fell off y'all's roof. Can I use y'all's phone? That's an impression of me when I was a little boy. My uncle had dementia and thought he worked for the local cable company. Wow. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery.

William, it's been a week since you've been on the show, and somehow in that week you've become a blind jazz musician. This is very impressive. Jesse May, I just got to say I loved you as Clarice in that early 90s thriller Silence of the Lambs you were so good in that

William, way to really crush the momentum of everything you had going there you didn't even know the end of your own riff how do you remember Clarice and not Silence of the Lambs? I feel like I give more of like a

Jodie Foster, the accused getting banged over a you know, that table vibe but I'll take Clarice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great. The accused, weirdly enough, two days ago, I was accused of a crime in a scene. I was accused, weirdly enough, two days ago, I was accused of a crime in a mall. I was stealing people's watches on the escalator.

I have this really smooth move where I ask people what time it is, and little do they know, I've already stolen their watches off of their rust. And then I walk the other way down the escalator and they're like, holy shit, I think you just stole my watch. And they think you're blind, so there's no way it could have been you, right? So what is this look? Where do you even get a pair of sunglasses? You look like

the nacho man Randy Savage. Still, but Brian You look like the nacho man Randy Savage. Brian seems to think you look like some type of Terminator character, it seems. Who's been playing this? Terminator? The character from Terminator? Which one? Clarice?

Arnold Schwarzenegger. You think he looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger? With those glasses on. It's like if the Terminator came back and found a dude whose clothes didn't fit him at all. He looks like he just got laced in surgery at Boca Raton. I'll be quite frank. The other day at the mall when I was taking watches, I ended up wiping my fingers on my eyes. I have that disease you get in your eyes, pink eye.

Do you really? You have pink eye right now? I have it really bad right now. Really? Show us. I also have it really bad. Lift up the glasses and let us see. His eyes are closed.

Wow. You're such a liar, William. It's hard. I don't know. It's hard. He took off his sunglasses and then kept his eyes closed. You don't have pink eyes. When William,

when William has all of his fingers. Oh yeah. That's incredible. One of the worst pink eye impressions I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I went to the doctor. They said I had pink eye, but it's since I'm a ginger, they call it orange Julius.

I got my eyes orange. It's bad. It hurts. Weirdly enough, a couple weeks ago, I got something called pink foot, not to be confused with pink eye. My toes started tingling real bad. I'd look down on them. They turned really pink. It's called a sunburn.

That was Chroma Chris. That was Chroma Chris. Still batting a thousand all time, Chroma Chris. Take that, blind man. Yeah, William. What are we talking about? Are you taking medicine for the pink eye, or are the glasses supposed to take care of it itself?

I am. I'm taking a bunch of amoxicillin. It's a very tasty. Wow. Oh, you chew them. You chew your antibiotics, huh, William? I do. Those are Flintstones vitamins.

They are. It's actually Advil. I'm not going to lie to y'all. I've recently found I cannot stop taking Advil. You've become addicted to Advil. I have. Wow. First person ever.

You take it orally? I take it orally. I take it nasally. You snort it. I take it nasally. You snort it. I take it intravenously. William, I feel like you look like Tiger Woods' hungover caddy after he won the Masters. This is how him and Tiger woke up on a golf course the next morning, just drunk.

You look like the legend of Crack-A-Vance. You look like you've hit ZZ Bottom. Just Tiger and I at the Perkins restaurant. We can't get a fucking table, and it's just like, Hey, I work with Tiger! Give us a table! I can't see! I can't walk!

All right, William. Well, another new minute from William Montgomery in a hell of an interview. There he goes. William Montgomery. William Montgomery. How about a hand for the band? Sounding great tonight, huh?

I love it. Getting stronger every... You guys want to go back to the bucket? I feel like I really missed out by not taking an edible before this show. But it's still amazing. It's never too late. Gonna kick in.

Alright, pulled another name out. You guys ready to do this? Wanna do it one last time, huh? Make some noise for Jeffrey Eggleston, everyone. Jeffrey Eggleston. Yeah. Wow, getting from the back

corner. Oh, he has a guitar, too. Wow. He's got a guitar, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? One more time for Jeffrey Eggleston, everybody. Thanks. I'm going to play you guys a quick song. This is the song that hipsters sing around the campfire.

It is called Mind Conf. Somebody please oppress me. It's all that I've ever dreamed of. Please hurl a rock or an insult to let me know that I'm enough to be worthy of your sympathy. To be worthy of your empathy. If I have to pretend to be gay, I'll do it. If I have to pretend to be

black, I'll do it. Somebody please be mean to me. Thank you. Thanks. Exactly one minute. Disorder.

Disorder. Disorder. All right. Okay. Okay. Hey. Very good. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. You guys are out of control tonight. Dude, we had to cleanse the palate from what just happened, dude. Was disorder. Hello, Jeffrey Eggleston. How are you? Look at you. You're fucking adorable.

Look like you're straight out of a new Amazon Prime series or something like that. This is like if Mr. Rogers never died. How are you, Jeffrey? I'm pretty good, man. Yes, Tad? Yeah, he looks like he's on the poster for LGB what? I'm going to be honest, Jeffrey. I liked it. I didn't really get to catch

much of it. It was sort of like lost. Sometimes I have trouble hearing back here, the monitors and everything. It sounds weird. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. About four years. Where at? I started in Little Rock, Arkansas. Little Rock, Arkansas. Yeah, and I've been here for like two years.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Bill Clinton country, Little Rock, Arkansas. Yeah, he's got a national library. Wow. Yeah. What happens when you sit at the desk, someone sucks your dick underneath it? You can, yeah, yeah. Well, there's security in the room. someone sucks your dick? You can, yeah. There's security in the room. Everyone at that library is like,

shh. He got his dick sucked. Jeffrey, tell us more about you. You've lived in LA now for two years? Yeah, for two years. I grew up in South Dakota, which is not interesting. I lived all around the south and I ended up in Arkansas for a couple years.

What do you do for work here? I work at a wax museum in the back office. That's why I'm dressed the way I am. Really? You're that guy. What do you do in the back office? What are you, a statue? I wish. You said he works at the wax museum.

I go, what are you, the statues? Because he looks like he's made of wax. Never mind. Sometimes you take a chance. Bye. Do they make the nipples on the statues? Did they go full out areolas and bush and all that crap? It depends. Some of them, yeah.

Some are more detailed than others. Again, what do you do exactly in the office? I sell group tickets. It's really boring. How do you know about the nipples if you're in charge of selling group? Well, you spend enough time around the things you get curious, you know, really is that true? Have you ever opened up a blouse on one of the not a blouse? No, but a man's shirt man shirt Yeah, wow. Is that what you're into you into dude? Just wax ones. Oh, okay. Yeah

There's a new category for the LGBTQ. You ever youed that ass? No, unfortunately. No, you never thought about feeling it? Did they have buttholes? No. I haven't checked for the butthole. There has to be a joke like Marilyn Monroe has really big pussy lips or something like the artist went to town on.

Yeah. There is? It sounds like Brian wants some of those tickets. Yeah. Sounds like Brian wants wants some of those tickets. Yeah. Sounds like Brian wants to molest wax statues. Have you ever touched one or done anything with one? No, people do all the time. They feel around for some gel. Yeah, well, like Selena, the singer, she's super popular. Yeah.

Yeah, there we go. Is there just like... Is there just tickles? They like to take her shirt off and pose with her nipples. She doesn't have nipples, unfortunately. Not in real life, either. They got shot off. Do you ever...

Tad? Yes, Tad? Yeah. Are you ever feeling powerful inside and you go up to a wax statue and you put a lighter up to their face and you're like, I could destroy you. Do you ever do that? Yeah. All the time. Alright. You should see Kobe

Bryant's face, man. Wow. Why Kobe? What do you have with the Black Mamba, dude? What's up? When they retire a statue, did they melt them or did they keep them somewhere? No, they put them in storage in a creepy room with dismembered pieces of figures in the basement. The end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah, basically.

Well, when they ship them across the ocean, they put them in a big Raiders of the Lost Ark looking crate. That's cool. I mean, what is the world where shipping wax things across the ocean? Dude, what happened to your freaking voice, dude? I'm freaking out right now, dude. Never mind. All right, everybody. So, Jeffrey, you've been doing stand-up for four years.

How long have you been playing guitar? Well, for like ten years. Ten years. But I haven't been playing it in my act. I've been playing it in my act for about two. Yeah. You know what might be interesting is to close the show if we do something that we've never done before.

Since you have a little more experience at guitar than you do at stand-up, and we just so happen to have a guitar player, maybe we should have the first ever... The first ever... White guitar off? Would you guys like to have a Norwegian guitar off? Wow.

This is a first. We're going to see what happens here. There's no plug-in for that or anything. Yeah, that's fine. Get close up to that microphone. Get as close as you can. I could just feel the white energy right now. Maybe let's lower it a little bit.

Let's see what happens here. We're taking a real chance here. This is a real live show, ladies and gentlemen, if you didn't figure that out the first hour and 45 minutes of people coming up here saying, I don't know where I am. It's a real live show, and anything can happen. Clearly, Jeffrey is not one of the people signed up by that one dude. He came here for a reason.

You ready to do this? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, a guitar solo from Jeffrey Eggleston. This is your first ever Norwegian guitar off. Okay, I'm going to sing a little too. I'm so liberal that I'm... Wait, you know what? I'm going to stop you right there. That's it? I'm going liberal that I... Wait, you know what? I'm going to stop you right there.

That's it? I'm going to stop you. I'm not like a soloist, Tony. I'm doing my best, man. All right, well, if you can't... Isn't there like something you could sort of do? Like some just sort of like 10-second silly scale or something like that? Jesus, Jeffrey, you're really fucking burying me

in a position here. You're so likable, though. I'm not really a guitar soloist. Why don't you say that before I say do a fucking guitar solo? I just want to make you happy, man. Well, I'm going to say it's all I am. It's like, dude, I say it's a fucking Norwegian guitar opera the first time. You're like, I'm going to sing a little something.

All right. Can you do something? Yeah, I'll play a little something all right can you do something yeah i'll play a little something for you all right wow all right how about how about chroma chris chroma you have something that you Oh, jeez. Wow. It's over. It's over. It's over.

Chroma Chris won. Chroma Chris won. I took a chance there. I assume 10 years on a guitar, you would know more than the G and D chord. It was an A and an E minor. I know, it doesn't really matter. Dude, it was... Idiot. It was 10 years playing guitar as a youth pastor.

He didn't tell us that, dude. Did I ask you what you do for a living here? I did, right? The Wax Museum. That's right. That's fucking right. It's one of those fun, fun gigs that just rolls right off the tip of your tongue. How about Love Life, Jeffrey, before I get you

out of here? What are we looking at here? I've been with my girlfriend for three years. Three years. She fell in love with you. You were playing the guitar on the beach and she was walking by. No, we were actors at a children's theater. Oh, wow. Really? I just got dry.

The Michael Jackson... Wait, you were wet before? The Michael Jackson Who fucks that? No offense, but how are you going to fuck that, you know? At a children's theater. I'll show you. Okay, fella. Heck yeah.

When you say children's theater, what are we talking about here? A theater for children? Yeah, like a children's theater. So are we talking about here? A theater for children? Yeah, like a children's theater. So what the fuck were you doing there, Jeffrey? Everybody's got a goddamn attitude tonight. Yeah, like a children's theater, Tony. It's like illegal movies.

I was an actor, and I taught classes to three to five-year-olds. Oh, you taught classes. Wow, to three to five-year-olds. That's fucking interesting. How do you teach a three- to five-year-old? You say, all right, we're going to be tigers, then you act like a tiger with them. Can you give us an example of what your tiger impression would be? Yeah, sure.

Uh-oh, he's taking off the guitar. I like this. No, I love it. Tigers. Wow, what else can you do? Look at this. Look at this. They love it. Come on. What else you got, Jeffrey?

Whoa. Wow. This is the dream segment. It's acting for three to five-year-olds. Dude. I don't know what he's doing, but I'm attracted to this guy right now. Is that how you got your wife to do this?

Crazy. What would you teach a five-year-old actor to do if introduced to Michael Jackson? Show us how you'd open your butthole for Michael Jackson. Hey, you mind doing the tiger again? Tigers are on all fours, aren't they?

Aren't they usually on all fours? Why don't you lift your little tail up? Just beat it. Just beat it good. Oh, yeah, you're so bad. All right, fuck you guys. You're all burnt out because it was such a hot show. You don't even realize.

All right. They're just being ignorant, Tony. They're just being ignorant, Tony. They're just being ignorant. How about one more time for Jeffrey Eggleston, everybody. There he goes. And we did it. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Make sure you catch us. Phoenix, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City,

Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York City. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Everybody, clap for Ryan J. E. Belt. Very important to know that you need to listen to Jessa May's podcast, Sharp Tongue. She's at the Albany Funny Bone, June 7th through the 9th. And the Reagan and Watkins album comes out that day, June 7th.

It's going to be available everywhere. And for those of you diehard fans of Reagan and Watkins, why not swing by on June 7th? The album release party are, no, it's June 6th. June 6th is the album release party right here in the main room. Reagan and Watkins is a band that was, in a lot of ways, I think sort of born out of Kill Tony, right? How about another hand for Tad Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

Tad is a gentleman named Jeremiah Watkins. He has a hit podcast called Jeremiah Wanders. Who you got on this week? Missy Martinez for you, diehard Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. Wow. She's been on the show a lot. That's an episode you won't want to miss.

Yeah. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. And, yeah, check out Reagan and Watkins. Got some stuff in the pipeline, dude. How about another hand for Chroma Chris over there on guitar, everybody? Hey, you can check out RealityGripTape Instagram and get the Kill Tony Band's faces on your grip tape. That's right. Why not get a skateboard with the whole Kill Tony Band on it?

Realitygriptape.com. Shout out to Chroma Chris, by the way. Not easy to do. Not easy to play guitar in a fitted hat. Two sizes too big for you. But, uh... How about another hand for the best damn pizza delivery boy in the world? Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone.

He's on all social media sites mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel? Thanks to the sponsors. Love each other. Have a great week. Thanks for the support.

Ludwig Drums taking care of the drums for us on this show. Check out the Ryan J.E. Belt Prince, Zip Recruiter, Caveman Coffee, and 4Hims. Thank you for bringing us tonight's episode, and thank you so much to you, the live audience. Red Band? See you guys later. Good night, everybody. Thank you for bringing us tonight's episode and thank you so much to you the live audience. Red Band. See you guys later. Good night everybody. Thank you. Thanks to David Deary. Yeah, David Deary. Thank you.ヨロヒロイン 覚えだしてよね ヨロヒロイン 待ってられないのね ច្នាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� you