KILL TONY - KILL TONY #345 - PHOENIX

Episode Date: May 12, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/09/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv There you have every past episode including video portions to the show

and if you click on tour dates, not only are we at the world famous comedy store every monday at 8 p.m but we just started our world tour and we are going on the road this week to salt lake city utah boise idaho spokane washington portland oregon vancouver canada seattle washington so check out that big chunk of dates this week we are going to be in a different city every day and invite your friends to check out Kill Tony live. Also go to our website shop squad dot TV for official merchandise, including the Kill Tony shirt. There's a few of them left and dust squad hats and shirts. If you want to check out Tony's website, Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And then last but not least, RyanJEbelt.com. He's the house artist. He draws every episode and he has books and posters. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hedgecock! Phoenix, we're back. Make some fucking noise. Wow. Listen to that. How about this? Brian Redband's here, everybody. What's up, guys?

Man, you guys are loud. We're ready to get down on a fucking Thursday night in Phoenix. Huh? Look at this crowd. This is great. I'm excited. Look at all these fucking happy American people.

This is how I goddamn like it. A little fun fact, this is an all-time record for our fastest return ever to a roadshow city. Three months ago, we were here. Jeremiah got squatted by a human being while wearing

elephant underwear. We tried to rekindle a relationship between a comedian and his ex-girlfriend. I don't know how that ended up. Two times ago, Joel Berg tried to fit his penis through a guy's ear-piercing hole. Anything can happen.

I'm excited about this. Is that guy that was here last time with the girlfriend here tonight? I believe so. He is? I believe so, yes. There is a controversial group of people saying yes, and I was told earlier by the staff that he will most likely

be here. Who knows? We could get a follow up. I'm going to need that bucket whenever you guys get a chance over there. The bucket with names in it. Somehow that got Phoenix. Somebody's probably doing a line of blow off it right now. Come on, dude. It's my one fucking bucket list wish, dude. I lost

a bet to my friend. I said that if I lose this bet I have to do a line of conk off the Keltonian bucket, dude. My Lyft driver actually hinted at selling me heroin on the way here. Wow, there you go. Drug line, it's real here. I can't believe it.

There we go. Hey, look at this. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, we got it. From this very nice guy that we know from Storage Wars, everybody. It's the Yep Guy. Brought us the bucket. Brought to you by what appears to be Moet.

If that isn't some Phoenix trash, I don't know what is. You know what I'm saying? Let's fucking do this shit. Of course, it's always great to be out on the road. This is also a little thing for you to be excited about. This is stop number one on our summer tour.

Our massive summer tour. Tomorrow we go to Vegas, then back to Los Angeles where we'll be every Monday for Kill Tony Live from the Comedy Store at its home. And then Tuesday we're off. Salt Lake City and then Boise, Spokane, Portland, Vancouver, Seattle,

two shows, Lawrence, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie and two shows at the Gramercy Theater in New York, New York to kick off or to end the summer tour, which starts here right now in Phoenix, Arizona. Road never ends. More announcements coming for tour dates.

Follow very closely because... Yeah, we need more. Yeah, well, I think you're all in for a special treat. Make sure you stay on top of everything by being alert and drinking delicious Caveman Coffee. CavemanCoffeeCo.com. Use the promo code KILLTONY. Save 15%. Check out the amazing pins over at Rockin' Pins.

Our friends over at Infinite CBD. If you need CBD and you go anywhere else, you're blacklisted. Oh. New Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th. And we have posters for sale. You're also the first city that has the opportunity to buy the summer tour poster, which was, I believe, up on that screen earlier. Did you guys see that? Cool poster, huh?

All right. You guys are not into buying merch. Very good. And speaking of Rockin' Pins, first city that I brought my glow-in-the-dark Death Squad pins. Ooh. La-la. Little Death Squad cats. There's also Tony Hinchcliffe pins

at rockandpins.com. Very exciting stuff. So yeah, if you get a poster after the show, we sign it, take a picture, shake hands. It's all cool. And those are limited edition. So you can think about it. You know what I mean?

I'm not pushing them on you. They don't call me poster pusher, Tony. What's that? What do you have there, sir? What did you just wave to me? Oh, you already bought one Wow, look at you Fuck yeah, he's got it rolled up in the tube

Again, I think he's just doing cocaine with it That's how people in Phoenix fucking roll Drug line As with all of our road shows We are going guestless tonight And Chroma Chris had to work William Montgomery at the self-storage unit today in

Los Angeles, California. I offered to drive William here. I was going to drive if William wanted to come, but he did have to work. And he was like, I could quit my job. I'm like, don't do that. Yeah, he really wanted. And then he could go on with his never-ending adventure of finding Tony Chin.

So, just to let you know, those guys won't make it. However, it turns out, according to this piece of paper, that we have a band here, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I love the band. They are one of my favorite things in all of stand-up comedy. For those of you who maybe this is your first time at the show, every single episode they join us and they're always different characters.

Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters. Maybe it's a brand-new character that we've never seen before. Like this past Monday at the Comedy Store, they were the cast of Home Improvement. And it was unbelievable. So you never know. But my favorites are sometimes we get to see something we've seen before in the past come back again. But then again, maybe it's a new one. Let's see what happens tonight.

It's my favorite thing. It's the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Hey. Whoa! It's the Milkman and Bill Billingsley. Wow.

Wow. This is crazy. Am I in a time machine? We are getting real fresh milk delivered by the milkman. This is incredible. The milkman, Jeremiah Watkins giving people again a little goblet of milk. I'm pretty sure that lady could make it with her

breasts if she wanted milk. I don't think that's milk. Look at the ta-tas on that one. Fuck yeah, the Milkman is back and Joelberg Bill Billingsley is here. For those of you that don't know Bill Billingsley, last time he those of you that don't know, Bill Billingsley, last time he was on the show,

he got too drunk and revealed to all of us that he has a drinking problem and that he hates his wife and that he's been sleeping with his secretary and it's basically a guy from the, what the, 40s or 50s in a midlife crisis. What is time anyway, Tony? Wow, you're drunk again.

Fuck yeah. It's already begun. What have you been time anyway, Tony? Wow, you're drunk again. Fuck yeah. It's already begun. What have you been drinking today, Bill? What haven't I been drinking? Okay. Milkman Jeremiah Watkins is here, everybody. Clearly you haven't been giving your friend Bill

any milk. What's going on? Hiya, Tony. How are you? Good. Must be tough out here being a milkman in hot Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, the milk curdles fast, Tony. They don't have cows here, do they?

That would look like elbows, dry elbows. I saw some of the girls outside. Oh, Bill Billingsley taking shots at the throne. Curdles fast. So we got the band. We have Red Band. We have everything we need here. And I have this amazing Moet Bucket of Destiny.

The Phoenix Bucket of Destiny. This has been a historical place for this show. Wild things happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage to do some type of stand-up comedy for the love of fucking God. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Ah, that means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry phoenix gay bear. There it is. That's what it sounds like. There you is. That's what it sounds like.

There you go. People always tell me how much they love that part of the show right there with all the buttons. Really? No, never. No one's ever said that. No, never. Everyone hates it. That bucket looks like Tesla made it. That's a fucking crazy bucket.

What is that? The handle is a fake handle that's halfway. All right, never mind. Anyway, so here we are. We're already in our usual swing of things. So that's halfway... Alright, never mind. Anyway, so here we are, right? We're already in our usual swing of things. So that's that. And then after the 60 seconds is up, we talk with you about your life. Find out

a little bit more about you. Maybe fix some problems that are going on or help you maybe figure out something you didn't know about stand-up comedy. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? This is it. We're back. Phoenix, Arizona.

There's actual fire. For those of you just listening to the podcast, actual pyro is going off inside the venue when you hear those fireworks. It is crazy what they're able to do here in dry Phoenix, Arizona. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for your first comedian. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, he goes by the name of Stephen Owens. Here we go.

And the stairs are right over there. Yeah, the stairs are on that side. So if you're on that side, you have to go all the way to that side. Earth angel, Earth angel. Won't you be my. Wow. Do we already have our first? You got movement over there?

He works in the kitchen. Holy shit. I love it. Fuck yeah. Go get him right now. Make sure he knows where the stairs are. Is that you, Steven? Is that you?

Oh, here he comes. No, he's not him. Steven. Oh, look at you. He's a taxi. Wow, this is very exciting. All right, fuck it. What?

No, come on. He's running food on the other side. Go, go. He's blacklisted. He has to leave the premises right side. He's blacklisted. He has to leave the premises right now. Red band. All right.

There you go. That was red band joking, everybody. Yeah, that was me joking. All right. Well, so wait. Where'd the manager go? Send her back for a second. Fuck yeah.

Go get his ass. If he's really running food, he'll be back any second. Is he doing really running food, he'll be back any second. Is he doing walking the food? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited about this. I don't want to give him time. They recommended maybe do another comedian, then go to Stephen. I say, fuck that. Let's get this guy

right in the middle of his shift while he's sweating bullets. Let's get him to fucking kick off this show. That's exactly what it is. If you guys don't get Stephen Owens right now, I'm telling you right now, we're going to fucking throw popcorn oil all over your kitchen floor.

Everybody's going to be slipping and sliding back there. Something's going to stink in the green room weeks later, and you'll know. That's me. Here he is, Stephen Owens, ladies and gentlemen. Apron and all. Fuck yeah. Get him, Stephen.

Right there, buddy. Right there. One more time for Steven Owens. How's it going, guys? I don't work here. This is actually an internship for ASU. All right. So, you know, I get called Jewish a lot, and I'm not.

So I got an ancestry test done recently. Wasted a lot of fucking money on that. Because it turns out I'm Irish, German, and Seth Rogen. There we go. I'm also a preemie baby. Two and a half pounds, it's like really, really small. It's a really expensive baby, at least my parents thought. What they got was a really expensive action figure.

Usually babies get delivered with two hands but when they pull me out with tweezers the doctor is just like wow look at that steven owens in the middle of his shift apron on apron tied around the front really does look exactly like Seth Rogen. Fuck yeah. Get back up to that microphone, Steven. How long have you worked here at Stand Up Live? I worked here for

two and a half years. Two and a half years. How long have you been doing stand up? One and a half. One and a half years. So you were working here and you're running food and you're like, I could fucking do this shit. I know I can do it. Right? Yeah.

This is where you fell in love with it. Yeah, it is. I love it, man. It's awesome. I love it. And is that really true? You were a premature baby? Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. Aren't they usually smaller? What'd you do, like overcompensate later in life? Tony, I didn't know babies could cum. Wait, what? You haven't tried hard enough. He's a premature baby. Oh.

Bill Billingsley. William, quit being inappropriate. Wow. So, Steven, tell us more about you. What else do you do when you're not working here or doing stand-up? I go to school at ASU, actually. Wow, ASU, you little fucking sun devil, huh? Mm-hmm.

My goodness, look at you. I know. Little fucking baby bird, you. What are you studying at ASU? I study sustainability. Sustainability? What the fuck does that mean? What are you talking about?

I don't even understand what the fuck you're studying. Sustainability. You're talking about the environment? Yeah. It's whether or not marriages can last or not. Sustainability? Yeah. So it's kind of like a communications degree where you focus on alternative energy.

Alternative energy. You've given off more methane gas than anyone that's ever been up here before. He looks like a mad scientist that only experiments on cheese. My goodness, Steven. So you signed up tonight, and there was a lot of chaos.

We waited a little bit for you. The anticipation. You're getting the show started. Where were you in the middle of doing? I was just putting boxes away. My bad, dude. Putting boxes away? Yeah.

It's a part of the job. What boxes? They said you were running food. They lied to me. It's just a part of the job. Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

So is me calling you chubby. It's part of my job that I do here. I noticed you had a really wet hand when you shook my hand, like a very wet hand. There you go. Something for you podcast listeners that heard that wet handshake and wanted to know more. Why was your hand wet? Were you working? Were you in the middle of a work shift?

It's boxes. Were they wet boxes? Yeah, I only handle the really wet boxes. My secretary has a really wet box. Yeah. Wow, listen to the crowd. They love it. It has begun.

Milkman. Speaking of wet boxes, how is your mother doing? She is a beautiful woman. Steven, you have a girlfriend? I do not. You don't? No. When's the last time you went on a date?

I don't know. Yeah, exactly. I have no idea. So if you had to guess when the last time you went on a date was What would that guess be? Probably like three months ago Three months ago? Yeah

Where'd you go? I have no I don't even remember It was terrible It was absolutely terrible dude Are you masturbating right now? Oh my god yes Oh god

He likes it from behind. Steven. Wow. So what are you planning on doing? How much longer do you have in college? So I graduate in December. Graduate in December. And what's the plan after that?

Are you ready to start serving our country? He's from a different time, Steven. Don't mind him. Yeah. Yeah, that's where people like domestic abuse whoa steven stick it over here we don't like it but how are they gonna learn steven what's your plan in december you graduate what are you gonna do uh just plan on getting a good job with benefits you're gonna going to get a different job? Yeah. You're just going to put this place on the shelf like that?

Yeah, actually, I quit today. Wow, he just quit his job live on stage, ladies and gentlemen. That's a first. Wow, that's very exciting, Stephen. Tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. You seem like there's any other fun facts about you other than um you were a born premature my guess is that you have like a record in something that we don't know about something like that uh my grandfather was a moonshine runner in kentucky wow so running running things

fuck yeah running things runs in your family, literally. You're a food runner. He was a moonshine runner. Yeah. My goodness. Do you ever notice you doing things that maybe he would do? Perhaps like slipping on a wacky banana peel or something like that? You know those banana peels in Arizona, dude.

There's everywhere. Good innocent fun. Oh, damn it. Well, Steven, I'll tell you, man, you were very funny, and you got the show kick-started. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. We're going to let you get back to... We're going to let you get back. Fuck yeah, he's fist-bumping this time.

Red Band's amped up on fucking Red Bull and vodka already. Yippee-doo-dah fucking day. We got Bill Billingsley over there. Earth Angel. Is this CVS milk, by the way? Where'd you get this milk from? Red Band's still

taking shots. Well, I brewed it myself this morning. Wow, that's a real milk man. That's an interesting... Crack it myself this morning. Wow, that's a real milkman. That's an interesting idea. Crack it on every morning. Okay, this looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for Charity Kuba, everyone. Charity Kuba.

Stairs are over there. Here we go. Here comes... Nope. Someone running another direction. This could be Charity right here. I think it is. Yes.

Coming from the far side, the audience side of things. This could be one of your own. Coming from the audience. Come on, people. Make some noise for Charity Cuba. Hey, everyone. So it's 2019, as we all know, and people are still really surprised at the fact

that I didn't take my husband's last name. Shortly after my wedding, one of my bridesmaids came up to me and was like, oh, my God, seriously? You're not going to take his last name? I was like, no. You heard what he said during his vows. I'm protesting.

If you don't remember, well, let me remind you. He verbatim said, I remember the first time I saw Charity in her tight work pants and her high, high heels. And I thought to myself, why is there a stripper walking through our parking lot? Yeah, protesting. To all my friends that worked at the wedding, I'm like, I'm a feminist and we're progressive. But the truth is, is that he's got an unfortunate last name. Yeah, his last name's Wiener. And when you pair that with a first name like charity,

the literal definition is non-profit penis. So free dicks, everyone. You get a dick and you get a dick. You get two dicks. Wow. That was incredible. You get a dick and you get a dick. You get two dicks. Wow. That was incredible. My goodness.

All right. So, Charity, what I gathered from that is that you married a wiener. I did. And then you didn't take his last name. I did not. How long ago did you get married? Four years. Four years ago.

Four years this May. Four years this May. Where did you guys meet? In a parking lot. A real parking did you get married? Four years. Four years ago. Four years this May. Four years this May. Where did you guys meet? In a parking lot. A real parking lot? In a real parking lot. And you were walking, and what did he say to you? It took him, well, he stalked me for a year and a half. Oh, wow.

How did he stalk you? What did he do? Look out his window to the parking lot? Yeah, he did, literally, for a year and a half. We worked in the same office building, but different businesses, and we used to park next to each other every day, and to his whole office, I was red car girl. Let's check in with the milkman for a second. Oh, let's get that out of the way first, and then milkman. By the way, it's not called following,

it's called courting. Wow. So Charity, how did you know that he finally liked you when he was done stalking you? What was the move? Well, I quit my job and I told him that he wouldn't be seeing me in the parking lot anymore so he found me on LinkedIn and told me that the parking lot wasn't the same without me.

Hell yeah. He wanted to fucking pull in your spot. I like that. Man. the rare LinkedIn, the marriage made in LinkedIn. That's fucking, that's a rare one, right? It's new marketing. From the LinkedIn to the stinkton. You know what I'm saying? Hello, the old internet shocker.

So first date, where did he take you? This guy looks like he took you to what, a Cabela's or something like that? Get some fishing wire. He took me to an Italian restaurant. An Italian restaurant? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yep.

Wow, sounds ethnic. How'd that go? What happened there? Do you remember anything? Or is it you took a few sips of your red wine and forgot most of the night after that? No. You know, he kissed me in the parking lot. Wow.

You guys have a lot of parking lot shit going on yet. I know. You guys have a, you thinking about having kids someday? We have one. Thinking about doing the old fucking parking lot hanky panky? I know. Now you're speaking my language. Too late. We have one. We have a two-year-old. Oh? I know. Now you're speaking my language. Too late.

We have one. We have a two-year-old. Oh, you have a two-year-old. Wow, yeah. What parking lot did you fuck in? All of them. All of them. You ever back into his space?

Hey, Bill Billingsley likes it raw, taking chances. So he's really a wiener, huh? He really is. It's so weird that that's the last name what does he do for work he's a civil engineer he's a civil engineer what a wiener how about you what do you do for work i'm in sales you're in sales what are you selling uh technology what kind of technology uh storage servers software storage servers storage and servers storage and servers like hard drives and things like that alright

you got me sold is this your first time doing stand up? yes wow that's so cool you nailed the minute though you definitely had it rehearsed and performed out there weren't many

hard beats to it, but you know, I got to give you credit. You seemed comfortable up there. You stayed in the pocket. You know, you got to get the mic up closer to your mouth and make sure that everybody can hear you and that you clearly enunciate. And do you have a really quiet voice and like,

like in real life? Like, is your voice really quiet? I don't think so. Is that better? Yeah, that's better. Yeah, that's exactly like that. Yeah, you really got to get it up there.

You know what I mean? Got to pretend like you're in a parking lot. Push that fucking stick up right to your face. What else, Charity? What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? You got a two-year-old that you pushed out of your vagina? I did.

Under five hours. Under five hours. Is that good? I don two-year-old that you pushed out of your vagina? I did, in under five hours. Under five hours. Is that good? I don't know. Yeah, that's very good. I don't know how long does a baby usually take. It's excellent. Yeah.

Wow. So that's like a fast delivery. Very fast. All right. No, man. I've attended a lot of them. You didn't fall out, right? No, no, no.

You definitely didn't fall out. Yeah. Wow. Can I ask a question that's just been really rubbing me the wrong way since she spoke about it? How come you didn't take your hubby's last name? Didn't you hear? I didn't. You didn't?

No. How come? Because when you pair it with a first name like Charity. Charity Wiener. Right. Charity Wiener. Charity Wiener. I don't see the problem. So what else do you guys...

Sounds a little bit like a whorish move to me. What else do you guys do for fun, Charity? It goes well with the stripper piece, so that's good. Oh my God. Charity, over here. Over here. Here I am. What else do you guys do for fun?

You know, work and our child monopolizes A lot of our time so we just moved here From San Diego like a year ago Why here from San Diego That's an interesting maneuver to me One of the most I mean I like Phoenix A lot but San Diego is basically heaven On earth so

What's the why For work Oh work reasons yeah that fucking makes sense. Sometimes I forget about that. I went to San Diego once. I went to San Diego. Didn't prefer it very much. A lot of soy milk there, if you know what I mean.

Oh, look at you. You fucking milk man. All right, Charity. Well, congratulations on your first time. Thank you. Let me ask you this. What were you hoping to, like, you think this is something you're going to do more often?

No, probably not. You were just something. Thank God. Oh, my God. Bill. Bill, you are so mean to women. Wow, yes. Listen to how loud that crowd got.

Incredible. Much louder than the in-studio audience. No, so I'm kind of like Mrs. Maisel, right? This is kind of his thing, and he listens to Kill Tony, and so we decided that we were going to, you know... You both signed up? No. Oh.

I signed up. Right. What a wiener. He let me run with it. All right. There she goes, Charity Kuba, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Ain't no friend of mine.

Hey. Yeah. Ain't nothing but a hound dog. How about another hand for the band, ladies and gentlemen? Learning new songs. Doing it for you. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for one word name.

Blee. B-L-E-A. Blee. Here we go. Blee. B-L-E-A Here we go Hell yeah

Come on One more time for BLEA It's BLEA god damn it So when I was younger I used to think I had a little dick Until I got high one time Damn it. So when I was younger, I used to think I had a little dick. Until I got high one time and realized I just had big hands. But then when I wasn't high no more, I realized that I just had big hands and a little dick. But then when I wasn't high no more, I realized that I just had big hands and a little dick.

Nah, nah, I'm just playing. That's just a joke. You know, I like to tell girls that before things get hot and heavy, you know. Because when they drop my pants, they know I won't lie to them, you know. Nah, I'm just playing. I recently got on Tinder. Shout out, make some noise if you're on Tinder. Some of you motherfuckers is lying out there. Nah, but I'm on Tinder, but I think I pressed the wrong button, man, because all the girls I get to choose from are bitches that look like me. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. Blay yeah Blay Blay Blay Fuck yeah I'm excited about this This is the first time we've ever had Samoa and Amy Schumer on this show before

I'm pretty pumped to have you here I'm starstruck I love you I wrote my own shit alright Blay that was a funny set Have you only looked at your dick While it's been next to your hands? Because it seems like you have big hands. You thought you had a...

But you like... Are you always like... You have to like hold it or something? I mean, I like to size it up against things, you know? It was just your hand for a long time. And then one time you tried a fucking Coke can and you're like, holy shit. I'm the fucking man, you know? I'm blessed.

I love that. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time? Wow, look at that. Coming up here, owning it. I like your style, dude. Very comfortable. Great fucking jokes all the way. I'll give you a good tip and tell

you now since it's your first time correcting the host for your weird spelling of your name. Sort of just makes you seem like an asshole. It works on this show, but in real life, it might not work. If I didn't do it, everybody would be calling me Blee.

Well, you could also bring it up normally in a conversation. You don't have to yell at us. Like, it's Blee, motherfucker! Wow, Red Band remembers it a whole different way than what happened. It's amazing. Hey, but now you guys know. Yeah, you hurt Brian's feelings, man, and he loved you in Moana.

Whatever. I fucking knew it. You're so good. You're so good at getting the things that I don't fucking... Did you ever figure out what the smoke monster was? Like, did you? Oh, there you go. I'm a grown ass man.

I haven't seen that movie. You once were lost, but now you're found. I think we finally found out where the wild things are. Hey, East Phoenix, you know what I mean? So, Blay, what you been doing this whole time? How old are you? I'm 28. 28.

Yeah, I've been trying to get on the show. When you guys were here last time, I tried to get on. I was out in L.A. last week. I tried to get on. You signed up when we were here last and last week in L.A. I didn't sign up because I didn't even get in. It was too packed. You didn't even get in.

It was too packed. Fuck yeah, especially for a guy your size. Goddamn fire hazard with you in there, Blake. So you're 28. What you been doing this whole time? What do you do for work? I used to work at a group home I used to manage a group home for about 8 years Group home, not Groupon

You know when you say group home It sort of sounds like Groupon Has anybody ever told you that before? I manage a group home I'd rather work with Tiffany Haddish Say it again I manage a Groupon? Nope. I'd rather work with Tiffany Haddish, though. Say it again? I manage a Groupon, so... You heard it.

You heard it that time. You're like, holy shit. I've been calling my job Groupon the whole fucking time. I work for Groupon. I manage a Groupon. Either way. Okay, so what do you do at the Groupon? At the Groupon. Either way. Okay, so what do you do at the Groupon? At the group home.

Hey! So it's not Groupon. Just watch the kids, try and provide them the best way of life. You watch kids? I always thought you hid under their beds. Hell yeah He does, he puts the bear in the bear necessities Man, so you worked there for what? Five years you said?

Eight years Eight years, man You must have helped so many kids Do you have any cool stories of anything that's ever happened there or anything? I have a really funny story Okay There was a kid at an older house that I used to work at. He was going to be 18. He wanted

to move out to LA. He told everybody he wanted to be a porn actor. He went out there, came back about six months later. My boss was like, yeah, what happened? He's like, they said my dick wasn't big enough. Is that true? Shut the fuck up. True story.

I don't know if I... Did you put your hand next to it? Is that why? Yeah, true story. Shut the fuck up. True story. I don't know if I... Did you put your hand next to it? Is that why you said that? I was like, let me see your hand. Yeah, it's definitely too small. My goodness. Wow. What do you like to do for fun, Blay?

Make music out here, man. You make music? Yeah, make beats. What do you do musically? What are your things? All digitally. All digital. Yeah, I use a software here, man. You make music? Yeah, I make beats. What do you do musically? What are your things? All digitally. All digital. Yeah, I use a software called Ableton.

Wow. Is there anything that we might be able to find on Spotify or something like that? I got a song that's on iTunes. iTunes? How about that? iTunes is good. We love iTunes. iTunes is our friend.

It's not my name. It's a different person's name. Oh, it's a different person's name, but you made the beat? Yeah, I made the beat. How would we find it? What's that called? Brian, are you? Is this it?

Brian. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's me. So weird. Thank you. How would we find it? What's it called?

The name would be Young Weston. Young Wrestling? Weston. Weston? Like the hotel? Young Weston. Young Wrestling? Weston. Weston? Like the hotel? Young Groupon. W-S-T-I-N. Young Weston.

What's the name of the song? Old Ways. This is Old Ways. Yeah, I made this beat. Wow, you made this? Yeah. All right. Let's hear it.

I like the logo. I mean. Turn it up, Red Band. Let's hear this shit. That's a. Hey, shout out Low Spillin'. up, Red Band. Let's hear this. Shout out to Lowe's. Brian. It's about to kick in any second? Or is it romantic like this the whole time?

This is for six hours. This sounds like the lobby of the Westin. Yeah, exactly. This sounds like the music that plays Westin. Yeah, exactly. All right, there you go. This sounds like the music that plays in R. Kelly's bathroom. And that's what we're going for. This sounds like the music. You mean his bedroom. His bedroom is his bathroom because he pees on it.

I know. It was sort of just like. Stolberg. Blay, interesting stuff. So you're mostly a digital guy. What do you do physically? Do you have any... Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, there you go. Take a half a step that way, Bley, to the front of the stage. Brian, what's going on over here? Are you okay? You got this guy hit. Trying to battle. That was him taking a step, all right?

Jesus Christ. There you go. He's on his digital soundboard. What do you do physically? Do you do anything for exercise or anything like that? What do you do? Ride bird scooters or something like that? Bird scooters are fun, man. When you're high.

Oh, yeah. Tempe Town Lake, you just be whizzing and shit. Yeah. These people know Tempe Town. What's like your exercise thing? You have anything you like to do? Basketball. Basketball? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. You box people out and shit. You use your

low center of gravity for position. Hell yeah. I play like back in the day, you know? Physical and shit. Back in the day? Yeah. When's the last time you played basketball? Last weekend. Wow, look at you. It is.

He's like fucking some type of basketball player. Milkman, anything about this guy? Where do you see him? I played basketball. Great sport. Started here in America. Okie dokie. Well,

Blay, I mean, for, especially for a first time, great fucking set. I mean, very fun. You know,

keep writing and fucking take chances and talk about shit that, you know, can really relate to you. Because I don't know if I believe your dick's that big. You know what I'm saying? Because your hands aren't that big. And the smallest thing about you is probably your legs.

It looks like you skip leg day every day. Nah, I just... I was inspired by Brendan Schaub to buy these pants. No, I like that. Yeah. Tight. Wow, I like that. Yeah. Tight. Wow, that's tight. I get a sound, but you're over here messing up, and nobody gave you a sound.

Oh, Blade taking shots at the throne. Here we go. There goes the rest of the show, everybody. Ding, dang, bling, blong. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. There you go. Very good. I would...

Is that true? You really... Is that a new pair of pants that you got inspired by Brendan Schaub to wear? I'm going to tell Brendan that he's inspiring fat people to wear skinny jeans. Yeah. I'm going to tell him this when I get back on Sunday. Yeah. All right.

I love it. Blay, you rock it well, man. You have a great spirit. I like your style. Don't quit. Keep doing it. Blay, ladies and gentlemen. I like your style. Don't quit. Keep doing it. Bley, ladies and gentlemen. I like it.

Yes, indeed. He's a gold digger. Way out of town. That's good to hear. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Another one-word name. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians

do bad on this show? There you go. Right back into the swing of things. A good 80-20, right where I like it. That's the most... Put your hands together for your next comedian. One word. Graham. Graham. G-R-A-M.

Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. I know a Graham when I see one. This guy's definitely a Graham. There he is. One more time for Graham. I'm about to shit my pants. So I went on a bad date the other day. I'd say it was a... It wasn't really a bad date.

I, uh... You guys ever go bowling and she gets the same shoe size as you? That's all I'm saying. I was watching NASCAR. I was really bored. I was watching NASCAR the other day, and it got me thinking,

like, all the NBA players if they're sponsored by a certain shoe like they can't go out and watch they can't wear Nike and then go play in Adidas but going back to NASCAR what if you can What if... You can finish it. Yeah, go ahead. Stop, stop, stop. Pay attention to the show, guys. Yes, you can finish. Just made me think,

what if NASCAR drivers had to use what they're sponsored by? Like Coors Light, Viagra, Pornhub. All right, now play is off Get this scucking guy out of here Alright

Graham that was fun Is that your real name Graham? Yeah You seem much smaller than a Graham May I recommend changing your name to perhaps Tony he does look like a cracker to me though Graham Cracker. You haven't seen my asshole.

Whoa, you got a big asshole, Graham? And we won't. It's just black. Oh, it's black. Oh, all right. Get that noise out of here. I don't want to see your butt. Heck yeah.

Here we are. Tiny little Anderson Cooper. I love the bowling shoe size joke. You did exactly what I recommended the last guy did when I told him talk about things that he can joke about that are relatable to him and you

came right up and with your tiny feet you made a joke about how the girl and you have the same bowling shoe size and it got a big laugh. For the podcast listeners, how tall and what's your weight? 5'9", 130. Wow.

It's pretty much the same size as me, but you look like a bitch. Wait, 5'9"? We still have the same mustache. There's no way you're 5'9", I'm telling you right now. Joel just said he's 5'9". We still have the same mustache. There's no way you're 5'9", by the way. I'm telling you right now. Joel just said he's 5'8". Wow.

I don't know. Maybe he is. I'm 5'8". Yeah. You're a fucking liar, Graham. 5'9"? Yeah, dude. You're not 5'9", bro.

Hey, we have a tape measure in the manager's office. Can we9 bro Hey we have a tape measure In the manager's office Can we go on a run for a tape measure please Please somebody find me Some type of measuring stick Your nose is a lot bigger in person Look at this milk man and the milk boy Coming soon to a theater near you

Wait how old are you 24 24 and a half Something like that Fuck yeah Graham first time doing stand up Wait, how old are you? 24. 24 and a half? Something like that. Fuck yeah, Graham. First time doing stand-up? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. That's why you were about to shit your pants. Looks like you barely have any poop in your belly to poop your pants with. Little guy, you. You don't even have a butt to poop from. How are your pants staying on right now? Do you have a belt on? What is that?

Nothing. You just fucking, you just rock that shit, huh? Those pants specially made for you? What's that waist size? Whoa! What? Give me that. I'm gonna do this shit myself. I'm excited about this. There's nothing more

fun than finding a little guy who's like, yeah, yeah, totally 5'9". All right, the verdict is in. The verdict is in, and you are, my friend, without a doubt, 5'7 1⁄2". You know what? How are you shocked? I'll let you keep the tape measure just for good measure.

No, no, no. Give that back. It'll make my ass look bigger. You never get to make a good measure joke about measuring tape. I just did it. You could fucking save that in the files for when I die. You could put that in the compilation video. It's for good measure.

You had no idea. Are you playing dumb right now? What do you think? I'm a chick? Debating whether to suck your dick or not? How tall are you? What are we? On a Tinder message board? Like only 5'9"? Totally 5'9". Totally 5'9".

Can we go on this date? Just shoving paper towels in your shoes? I thought I was 6 inches, but I guess that's a lot smaller, too. Yeah, probably. You probably have no dick, dude. No, come on. He's got a dick.

He's got a little baby dick. It's a ninny. Did you really think your dick was six inches, or is that a joke? It's always fun for me to hear guys talk about how big their public dicks are.

No, I'm confident in the average of the U.S. All right. Bill Billingsley seems to be going for broke over there. He's getting it all figured out. That's soft, right? The tail of the tape. All right, Graham, tell us more about yourself. You're 24.

You just started stand-up comedy about six minutes ago. Tell us more. What else should we know about you? What makes you interesting? You were raised by lesbian parents, am I correct? No. Am I close to right on this at all?

You don't know your mom's a lesbian? Not yet. You are a lesbian? She is. Tell us some more about you, Graham. I produce music like the last guy. Wow, really? All digital? You play any instruments or anything like that? Guitar.

Guitar. Piano. Not drums. Just shit to try to get pussy. You only play the pussy instruments, huh? No. Oh, what are you trying to say here? I'm fucking my secretary! I don't think drummers are known for the amount

of pussy they get. Ever heard of Tommy Lee? Alright. Alright, very good. How long you been one of the outsiders? That's a good question. No switchblade. That's a good question. So tell us more about you, Graham.

There's gotta be interesting things about you. Come on. You gotta dig for it sometimes. You ever win anything? You have any trophies that you've won in your life? You have the world's tiniest eyes or something like that? The tiny eyes. You got a weaker mustache than you. That was a good attempt, but I still got myself up 17-0 against you right now.

So if you want to keep shooting, feel free. But it'll get worse. It will get worse. I see you reaching in your pocket for more jokes, so you're not going to find any there. So Graham, come on, hit us with something. Anything interesting about your life whatsoever at all? My mom used to

run numbers in a mafia gambling ring. Your turn. My mother takes vacation every weekend. And I'm with her on those vacations. Is that an actual honest thing? Pretty much every other week. How does she take a vacation every weekend?

What does she do? What does your dad do? My dad works high up in a company. High up in accounting? A company. A company. Yeah. Can you say the company? Can you say the type of company? We'll just say Pepsi. Oh, okay.

Very good. RC guy, huh? So your mom, like really high up. So he's like a CEO type of COO type of one of those things that makes a lot of money, a lot of bonuses, a lot of corporate tax breaks. Right, Milkman? Yeah, could you tell your father, although it's a different liquid, I am also a big fan of the soda pop. Alright.

So, Graham, your parents are rich. Big house? You still live with them? No. You're on your own? Yep. How long have you been on your own? Well, I just moved here. I was on my own for a while and I just moved to Arizona. your own? Yep. How long have you been on your own? Well, I just moved here. I was on my own for a while. I just moved to Arizona, so...

From where? Texas. What part of Texas? Dallas. You were too tiny to stay there, am I correct? Yeah. Get your little fucking pussy ass up to one of them goddamn liberal pussy cities. Closest one to here is Phoenix, I think.

Get the fuck out of Texas. No big truck, though. All my tiny... Alright. So, you got out of Dallas. Why Phoenix? Welcome to another episode of one of my favorite new shows, Why Phoenix?

Music stuff. Music stuff. Hell yeah. Are you successful in the music field? Do you make money by doing that? I make some. His dad's rich, Tony. He doesn't need to. Yeah, exactly.

Do your parents give you money sometimes? Every once in a while? Yes. Is that definitely the answer? If it's not an immediate no, then the answer is definitely yes. That's one thing I learned from hosting the show. They pay my car insurance. If it's not like a hell no, then it's a oh yes.

They pay college and my car insurance. College and car insurance. So the answer is actually fuck yes. That's pretty normal, though. What are you going to school for? Audio engineering. Audio engineering. Anything coming out soon on Analog?

On Analog? Jesus. Oh, here's a new song You have any hit songs On the internet or something like that? Anything you're proud of? Do you sing? I don't sing No, you don't

SoundCloud? Wait, what? SoundCloud? We have SoundCloud What would he type in? How would he find it? Brains underscore dub Brains underscore Brains it? Brains underscore dub. Brains underscore?

Brains underscore music. Brains underscore music. Now, do you know that 0% of bands with an underscore are successful? That's a scientific fact. I read that in Billboard magazine. You are an underscore, Graham.

Thank you. That got in awe of all the things. I called him an underscore, meaning he Thank you. That got an awe of all the things. I called him an underscore, meaning he's like tiny. Something he lied about earlier, and you're on his side on that one? A hard awe from the fucking weird table? The Cabela's table over here?

This is it? You don't seem very proud of it. I released one yesterday. There was a recent one. Yeah, it's a remix of somebody else's song, though. Yeah, but it's all producing. It's just lyrics. Here, play that one.

Let's hear that one. What's that one sound like? We've kicked off YouTube. Here's Shawn Menendez's remix. Well, don't turn it up that loud, Brian. I mean, it's like you purposefully just self-destruct. It's almost incredible. So that we get kicked off YouTube louder than anything else in the show,

and you play that part. I mean, literally. It's just mind-boggling. This is you just taking somebody else's song. Well, no, I'm just taking lyrics. Yeah. Okay, well, we understand what you're saying, Brian, but you could have just said that without...

I hate it when my parents fight. It's unreal. It's just unbelievable. All right. Well, Graham, we had fun. You are, if you're wondering, five foot seven and a half. It'll probably always be that way.

You're 24. I'm pretty sure you're done growing. But you know what? You did jokes. You looked small up here. You're 24. I'm pretty sure you're done growing. But you know what? You did jokes. You looked small up here. You're wearing a small T-shirt. You're wearing jeans that fit you properly like a little fucking Levi baby boy. And for what you talked about, that actually works. You know what I mean?

I'm almost glad you weren't wearing a big baggy hoodie or anything like that or a jacket because you did jokes about having small feet and it fucking did really good because they're like, yeah, this guy does have fucking small feet. And so, you know, if you're going to keep talking about stuff like that, then I wouldn't change a goddamn thing. Just keep writing and trying it and doing it some more. There he goes, Graham, everybody.

Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. There he goes. I don't know. Everyone wants handshakes tonight. But if we say no handshakes now, then the rest of the people are going to be all sad about it. Oh, I know you don't want to shake my hand. Yeah.

I know you said you don't like shaking hands. All wet. Yeah, but if we complain about handshakes, we seem like L.A. pussies. Did you know that? Measles, baby. Are you not vaccinated? No, I am, but they say it doesn't work if you're 44.

It's probably not going to work anymore. Wow. Jesus. They're like, oh, yeah, that 70s measles juice. Okie dokie. Another thing. Back to the show again. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Michael Cancino, everyone. Michael Cancino. Michael Cancino. Here he comes. Holy shit. It's the real Michael Cancino, everyone. All right, before I start, I'm a good guy, okay, guys? Just heads up.

Shit's been crazy lately, guys. Like, really crazy. Shit's getting fucked up out of hand. These school shootings are just... It's a little too much for me. I don't know about you guys, but... If there's one upside to it, funeral homes are making fucking bank. And for the first time in a long time,

they're selling shit in bulk, guys. I'm fucked up for saying it, but you guys are fucked up for laughing. I actually heard the other day, man. They're giving out deals now, like buy two, get the other one free. All right, I'm going to go home and kill myself. Thank you.

I'm Michael Cantino. Thank you. All right. Bailing out early at 46 seconds. I'm Michael Cantino. Thank you. All right. Bailing out early at 46 seconds. I wish you would stop. So, Michael, let's talk about it. You know, to be honest with you, the joke wasn't all. That was a minute, by the way, right there.

The joke wasn't all that bad. But you literally are, like like holding on to yourself for dear life up here and you're doing ballsy material but you're doing it like a fucking like you just you just put the mic up to your mouth to clear your throat for example like you're so unbelievably nervous right now that you're literally doing everything backwards. You came up here, and while talking about how the school shootings are, funeral homes business is booming, you're literally hugging yourself for dear life. Yeah, yeah, funeral homes are doing good.

You think, I'm going to kill myself. You're like laughing, your head's down. You got to fucking look these fucking people in their goddamn eyes. And you gotta tell them what the true backbone of your joke is. That everybody's complaining about this, but the fucking... You gotta look at the positives in life. Funeral homes are doing fucking banging business. You gotta look at them.

Look at them and ask them why the chicken crossed the road. Look at them. Why the chicken crossed the road, guys? Why'd you just do that? Did you see what you just did? Let me show you what you just did. You just went, hey guys, why the chicken crossed the road? Like, if I did that, if I was here doing stand-up comedy and everybody was like, holy shit, we paid to see Tony Hinch though, and I was like,

ha ha ha. It's all fucked up out there, guys. Oh, man, I fucking mean it. I really believe in what I'm about to say. I'm really passionate about it, and I worked hard on it. These people would be like, what the fuck, man? Why don't you go stock boxes like a food runner? Because that's what food runners do.

They stock boxes. Did you fucking know that? Wet boxes apparently, right? Michael, you need fucking... Is this your first time on stage? A second. The last time was when you guys came. Last time was...

Oh, you were on the last show. Yeah, I was the first one to go up. Oh, that's cool. What happened there? You had a brother that did it too. Yeah, yeah. He didn't sign up. He's a pussy, so...

I remember that. Fuck yeah. Well, here we are again. Look at this. It's fucking Destiny. Somehow you got worse your second time around. And to be fair, Tony,

that's usually how it goes. Usually your first time's always really good, and the next, like, five times sucks. It's true, because now you're overthinking it. You're like,

I got one under my fucking belt. I'm gonna do this shit. I'm gonna fucking get it. I'm gonna fucking do it. There's so much to fucking get it. I'm going to fucking do it. There's so much happening in the news. I'm like fucking. I came up like the rest of it. Where are you going?

Where are you going? Are you going out into this street? Are you going into old timey Arizona land? Is that where you're going? You're going to go pick up one of the trolleys? I'm going nowhere. Milkman? It was a simpler time.

Michael, remind us of what you do for work. I'm a maintenance technician. That's right. Maintenance technician, apartment building maintenance. Well, I'm a maintenance supervisor now. Oh! Maintenance supervisor. Maintenance supervisor.

Is there any updates? Anything crazy happen since we last saw you in the maintenance world? You look like the one that would be clogging all the toilets. I can unclog my own toilets, man. You son of a bitch. You did it again. No, so I walked into an apartment

the other day and I'm like, when you knock on a door, you gotta yell maintenance, right? I go in and nobody answered at all. So I'm in there, I'm doing an inspection, I'm doing everything and I open one of the closets, it's like a 5'5 closet, sorry. And this big 6'5 Samoan dude's just sitting in the fucking closet, man.

We had him on stage earlier. He just crisscrossed out the sauce and looks up at me. And he looked up at you and he's like, my name's Blay! I'm just producing music in here, dude. And this guy looked up at me And he had giant hands and a little dick

And yeah man I fucking jumped Like I was like oh shit And he just looks up at me and closes the fucking door Didn't say a word to me 6 foot 5 Simones don't have to do anything However 5 foot 7 and a half guys. You think he was on drugs maybe? I don't know. He had a bunch of phones that were

taken apart and a bunch of other shit. In the closet. He barely fit in there, man. So yeah, he was on drugs. And you don't... Yeah, he was definitely on drugs. Has anybody ever discovered that you were in the closet? Not yet, man, no. Maybe one day a six-foot-five Samoan man will make you realize that you were in the closet all along.

Go ahead, Joel Berg. Instead of yelling maintenance when you get there, you ever thought of yelling immigration? Hey, that's a good point. Usually that gets them out. Why are you going into people's apartments so much? You have to do that a lot? These people are section 8 and stuff. You got to go in and inspect and make sure

they're not killing people or killing others. Is that a government job then that you have? It's a contract? Yeah, it's a contract. It's a good contract probably, right? Yeah, it's a good contract We're contracted through. It's a good contract probably, right? Yeah, it's a good contract. Yeah. I work down the street. I could walk from here

over there. Yeah, just to give the listeners some visual for what type of neighborhood we're in. He could just walk to his Section 8 housing from here. My goodness. Well, no, no. So I was helping out at that property, but I work at a senior property where crazier shit happens there.

Yeah? Crazier shit happens at the senior property? Yeah. Like what? So, yeah, the other day I got called out. Yeah. Like 12 o'clock at night, right? Uh-huh.

I get there. No, so this third floor lady's calling me. She's saying, oh, my apartment's flooding from upstairs. Like I got water coming through the smoke detectors. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, shit. So I get there. I go up to the fourth floor where it's flooding,

and I knock on the door, and it's some old guy. Like, fuck, dude, he was out of it. He opens the door. It's like 12 o'clock. He has music playing. Uh-huh. I'm like, hey. I'm like, everything okay?

Wait, you didn't say maintenance. No, I just knocked. Yeah, I did yell maintenance, yeah. But I knocked. They're old. They would just go. They're so old, they'd be like, what? Maintenance. So then what happened? So so old, they'd be like, what? Maintenance.

So then what happened? So I knock, and I'm like, hey, everything okay? He said, it's all right. Man, this sounds like a scene from The Conjuring. It's like water dripping, just an old man. Go ahead. So I'm like, hey, you got water in here? He's like, yeah.

I'm like, were you going to call me for it? I was getting to it, and something else came up. So drugs. Old people drugs. He's like, yeah. I'm like, were you going to call me for it? I was getting to it and something else came up. So drugs. Old people drugs. He's a senior. He had Woodstock pictures up everywhere

so he's probably just having a bad trip, you know? What type of pictures? Like Woodstock and all this other shit like Bob Marley.

He was old. He was like in his 90s. Did your brother do stand up? Did he follow up on it? Did he sign up

tonight? Yeah, he bitched out. He bitched out? Yeah, he's sitting over there. He didn't sign up. Look at you, Michael. Look at you. In the race of brotherdom, you came out ahead to... He's my older brother too, so... Is there anything you'd like to... Is there like a word you'd like to call him or a name or something like that from on this stage right now? He's out there

in the audience, your older brother. He's always picked on you. He's always called you a fucking... Guys, he hasn't been... Guys, he has not been laid in a very long time. Your brother? So... Your brother hasn't gotten laid in a long time?

No, dude. So all night, all I hear is... You hear him jerking off? At the end, I hear him crying. Wow, your brother's gonna beat the shit out of you after this. I'm just saying, guys, he's single.

He might have a kid, but... He might have a kid. Look how he's talking now compared to your minute of stand-up. You're all fucking loose. I say talk shit about your brother. He's like, you ready for this? Just Kevin Hart out of the box, just fucking pacing the stage Like Dane Cook

So my brother's a faggot Look at his dimples too He has the strongest dimples in the business Heck yeah Fat people shit The fatter I get the harder it is for them to come out I love it dude You're a good looking guy Michael

I enjoy it Maybe release that top button Let a little blood get to your skull. Oh, God. There he goes. Michael Cancino, everybody. His second time on the show. We're flying through it.

Gonna get some fucking people up here. So many names in this bucket. Phoenix always shows up. You guys always make it worth this fucking trip for us by being so goddamn powerful. Hey, why'd you tell him I jack off, fool? I don't cry, dog. Wow, switching

characters. So weird. What was that? He's acting like the brother right now. Ah. Pull the name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along. What do you say? Put your hands together for Tristan Bowling. Bowling. for Tristan Bowling. Bowling.

Bowling. Bowling. Tristan Bowling. Is that right? Yeah. Here he is. Tristan, welcome back. Oh, how we doing, huh?

Yeah! Oh, my name is Tristan. A little fact about me. My sister came out of the closet recently, which is awesome. I mean, it was great. It got me thinking, you know, like, what do I identify as sexually?

And I think I got it. I think I most sexually identify as a virgin. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Come on. We don't know what the fuck I mean. Does it look like I've ever touched a boob before? No. Exactly.

Like, I'm 20 years old. Like, this isn't the body I wanted at 20 years old. Are you fucking kidding me? I have the sex appeal of a daddy long-leg spider. That is absolutely true. Absolutely true. No daddy in this daddy long leg, you know? Not a drop of daddy. I'm like a Ken doll, just dickless with somewhere to be, you know?

Fuck yeah, dude. That's what it's all about right there. Again, that is the second time tonight that I give a note to somebody who's brand new at it and then you get to see somebody who's done this clearly many times do exactly what the note is that I just gave.

You looked out there and you fucking did your goddamn shit. Thank you, man. It was great. Unbelievable. And you did it all while looking like Curious George Lucas. Yeah. Dog, this fit is sick as shit. You can't tell me you don't. You got style, bro.

I know. You fucking young punks. I don't fuck with you guys. I don't I literally don't fuck with guys that look like Tristan. Dude, I'm dripping Goodwill head to fucking toe right now. Absolutely. Whatever you say, I agree with. Guys like you always have like 20 screen names on the internet, and I don't need all 20 of them trolling me at once. I love everything about you.

I love everything you do, Tristan. Thank you, buddy. You're fucking awesome. Thank you. You've been on the show before. I have never been on the show before. Why do I feel like I remember you? David Deary.

Because last time you were here, I was at the show and I introduced myself afterwards. Very cool. Hell yeah. Well, look at you. You're a fucking little killer. How long have you been doing this for? Four years. Four years. All here in Phoenix? Yeah, I started when I was 16.

Wow. And you're what? How old now? 20. I turned 21 on Saturday. Wow, that's fucking incredible. Look at this guy. That's how you fucking do it right there. Start young. Wow, Tristan, that is so fucking cool. You go to school or anything?

Fuck no. I got my GED, dog. You already got it. Beautiful. I'm from Buckeye. We don't learn out there. Hell yeah. Yep.

303 in the women's prison Representing Wow You got the Cabela's table going crazy back here I think they're from Buckeye too Fuck yeah my neighbor's dirt You know what it is dog Holy shit he's throwing up Phoenix gang signs over here It looks like you got those pants

From a women's prison Man Tristan look at you That is so fucking cool What did your parents say to you from a women's prison. Man, Tristan, look at you. That is so fucking cool. What did your parents say to you when you wanted to start stand-up at 16? You close with them? Yeah, I'm really close with them. For the first year and a half of me doing stand-up,

my dad had to come with me to the spot. Wow. Yeah, because they wouldn't let me in. Right. And his mom was all home alone Oh the milk man Making little brothers 24-7 Listen I wouldn't want anyone else

Fucking my mom Besides Bill Billingsley I've been there done that I ain't new to this I'm true to this So your dad used to go with you a lot So he truly supported you, huh? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the fucking best. That's so fucking cool, man.

Is your dad also a Gordon's fisherman? Dude, my mom literally, as I left the house, I'm like, if you go up, someone's gonna say some Gordon fisherman shit. I know your mom well. Bill Billingsley really is fucking your mom.

I know your mom well. Bill Billingsley really is fucking your mom. What you didn't see was him under the covers making the jokes to her the first time. Oh, that's funny, Bill. I'm going to say that. Hey, someone's going to call you the Gordon's fisherman. Bill Billingsley putting his foot behind his head while still air fucking Tristan's

mother that is one of the weirdest sexual positions what are you rubbing right now what is that what the hell dude rubbing his own asshole ladies and gentlemen that's his new thing Bill Billingsley is drunk and hilarious

he was fucking for a second he had his foot behind his head and he was rubbing some clit that was in the midair. That's how she likes it! What would that have been? Was that at the top of her vagina? I don't ask questions. That's such an interesting outfit, really it is.

I can't even imagine wearing those colors and making it work. You made it work. Hell yeah. Well, if you colors and making it work. You've made it work. Hell yeah. Dude. Well, if you did it, you'd look like a live construction zone. Yeah, you're dressed like if Kanye was a Muppet. His mother also said he looks like Harry Potter in a rainstorm. Wow.

You're right. So Tristan, tell us a little bit more about you. You're a young buck. I don't even know what 20-year-olds are up to nowadays, but you seem like you have fucking style. You seem like you listen to all the hip kids and whatnot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hip on the trends, Tony.

Yeah. I got Wi-Fi and BuzzFeed going through my veins. I love it. I love it. So what does the guy like you do for fun? You beat Fortnite or whatever? No, no. Do you collect all the Pokemon?

No, I don't. I don't really play a lot of video games or nothing. But I do rap in my spare time. You do what? You rap? I rap. Get the fuck out of here. You're going to do it right now,

Forrest? You're gonna give us a little something? Here we go. Here's Tristan Bowling. Okay. Got gratitude. Hi. Call me Latitude, the baddest dude. Ripping in the club with the attitude. I'm doing my best to stay on the path less traveled.

Lay down the concrete, paving over the gravel. Be banging like the judge in the court with the Wow. in bags like designer. I'm real fucking tired. Clear a room quicker than some bitches calling out fire. Make room for the liquor. Couldn't get any higher. Like soon, bitches, and I'm popping off like a firework. Hey, look at that. Damn. Tristan. Wow. You win, dude.

Look at that. Awesome. There you are, my friend. Here's some delicious milk for you. Wow. Hell yeah. I was hoping we were going to go faster. I can go fast. How much faster can you go?

Do some fast shit. Like, like. Yeah, just go fast. All right. I can't stop that never loved him he was like a brother I'm sad to see you with another That boy we touched like an ape conductor Baby girl you're my whole fucking world And when I see you with that guy I wanna fucking hurt Cause I know you see me going through the town Really trying to stay on level ground

But when I see you with that man my name's Lenny So fucking drop my sorrow It sucks every time we try to sit I'm alright I'm just fine But maybe Get this motherfucking brain of mine so stressed about some lady Cause maybe I love that shit

Tristan Wow, that was very impressive You wanna fuck my wife? Wow, that was very impressive. You want to fuck my wife? Milkman? I saw that he got quite the ovation. I must be from a different time period. I didn't understand what he was saying. I like things a little bit slower and more enunciated.

I mean, I've been known to freestyle myself a time or two. Wow. You want to freestyle? Wait, a little fun fact is that the milkman has freestyle before. He was in a rap competition against somebody

who couldn't rap. But I guess, Siza, if you want to do it. Do you have any kind of swing music or anything? Yeah, Joel Berg, play a little swing. No, I don't want that. Oh, you want... If you got YouTube, I can suggest a beat.

Wow. All right, calm down, Tristan. I just spent a lot of time. In the meanwhile, I will say this, is that, Tristan, before we let the milkman wrap here, I will say that I absolutely love your jokes. I love your stage presence.

I love this interview so much, and I want to let you know that I believe that you should be the, I believe, third or fourth ever golden ticket recipient to where you get a spot on the show anytime you're at it. there you go.

Started at 16. He's 20 years old. On Saturday, on Saturday, you're going to be allowed at the comedy store for the first time in your life. I know. I went when I was 17 with my mom and they didn't let me in. They didn't let me in. Well, there you go.

You're going to... I love you, dude you go. Yeah. Well, you're going to, you're going to, you're going to. I love you, dude. You are, you are amazing. Thank you. Oh, my God. I'm going to go home and cum. This is the best. I am, too.

I'm going to your home and cumming if your mom's there. All right. How many of you want to hear the Milkman rap right now? I know I do. I'm fucking all... It really takes the air out of you, Tony. I know. I took the air out of your mom, dude.

Oh, Billings. You look like Mr. Rogers outside of the border, dog. Like Mr. Rodriguez. That's what your mom calls me in bed. She says, won't you be my neighbor, dude? He deep-throated his drumsticks One of the great maneuvers in all of Kill Tony

Milkman, you don't want to rap? Milkman The moment has passed I guess so, I don't really think so But if you don't want to, we'll keep flying through Who won't want you to rap? Oh Hey

Hey We want you to rap. Oh. Hey, bananas. Hey. That has lyrics on it. Yeah, for sure. We'll go back to it later. Give it up for Tristan, ladies and gentlemen. All right, milkman. There he goes. Tristan Bowling.

Golden ticket at 20 years old. The youngest ever Kill Tony fucking super winner. That was beautiful. This really isn't a competition show, but every once in a while, when you find somebody you love, you've got to fucking double down and keep them on your side. You know what I mean? Beautiful.

How about another hand for Tristan Bowling, ladies and gentlemen? I know a lot of you like it when people do bad, but I think sometimes you're lying, and I think sometimes you like finding new fucking amazing comedians. I am hammered. Bill Billingsley is fucked up on pure adrenaline. Nothing gets him wilder than when one of the kids whose mom's he's fucking is on the show. Just so proud of my son. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

Chad Koch-R-R? Koch-Caver? Koch-ever? Chad K-O-C-H? Chad Koch-ever? Chad, is anybody walking to the stage? No. I love pushing numbers. Oh, here he is to the stage? No. I love potion number nine. Oh, here he is.

He's around. Here he is. Keep coming, Chad. Welcome to the show. Hell yeah. Chad clearly just got here before the last comedian was done. Here he comes. You guys having fun out there?

Here he is. Here's Chad. Yep, it's me, Chad Kojavar. World famous. I came from Tucson, though, so whatever you guys think about Phoenix, Tucson is at least 10 to 30 times that. I'm 32, so I'm at that point

where I don't know if I'm old or young yet. So I was trying to test it out to't know if I'm old or young yet. So I was trying to test it out to figure out if I was old or young. So I would try to hit on like 21 year olds. Right. And I figure, I figure you're getting old if you're or getting old, if it's creepy to hit on 21 year olds. Right. So I've probably been, I've probably been old since I was like 19. And then at that, at that, if I'm doing doing that correctly because i also get i have aunts right some people have aunts you know like your mom's sisters one of my aunts while i was in vegas asked me if i had a girlfriend you know because you start to get a little bit older and you don't

like uh no i don't have a girlfriend right now debbie i don't and you don't you don't know me that well but if you'd ever smelled my farts before, you wouldn't even be talking to me right now. My flatulence ruined my relationship with God. I also, so I've been dating also. There you go, Chad. All right, Chad. One minute and 15 seconds from Chad.

Kochover? Kochavar. It's completely phonetic. I have no idea how you messed that up. That's never happened before. All right, well, I'll explain it to you, Chad. It's because right after your H there, do you see what you did? Did you write your name down?

No, I did not write that. You had someone else write your name for you? I wrote it left-handed. I'm right-handed. Sounds like a communist. So that's like a joke or something? Only on the weekends. Thanks for dressing up for us, by the way.

Chad clearly coming straight from Colorado after finding out mushrooms were legalized two days ago. Yeah. My favorite drug. Completely phonetic. No shit. You can't fuck it up unless you have... I don't believe it.

You look like Rob Zombie's illegitimate kid, dude. He looks like he's Rob Zombie's age. Chad, relax. Let us get some of these fucking killer jokes out. I don't know if you've been paying attention to the show, but we're all... I didn't know how to talk, Tristan. You just keep doing what you're doing, Chad. Oh, okay, thanks.

There you go. It's working really well. Just keep talking in between every single sentence. Don't leave a single gap of air. I don't have to breathe. Oh, you almost did it again. I thought I had you, but then you had it. It's completely phonetic, Chad. Yes? Just a quick question. Do you have a pet billy goat?

I have two. Are you someone's pet billy goat? I have a real question for you, Chad. This is all fun and games, but I gotta know. Does the curtain match the drapes? Do you have barely any hair above your dick and your ball hair tied into a braid?

I've got two beards, yes, two. I love it. I love it. Chad, what do you do for work? What do you do for work? If you're here, who's watching the dispensary? My brother. I make sushi, believe it or not. Really? You're a sushi chef? I'm probably the most stereotypical

sushi chef. Right, well, yeah, you got the samurai goatee. And you're Japanese. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. How long have you been a sushi chef for? Six years. Damn.

I think six years, yeah. Surprised you didn't get on a roll here tonight at all. There you go. Sushi chef in Phoenix. Right. Yeah, the freshest sushi. The freshest Phoenix. Well, I thought I was hammered.

No, I just had a stroke, all right? Chill out. Yes. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Yes, they have sushi here. You don't need to get your... This isn't Milkman days. You don't need to get your sushi straight from the river that day. Yeah.

But isn't it better that way? It's way better if you do. The old Phoenix sushi, food poisoning for sure. People ever get sick eating your sushi, Chad? Not mine, no. Not yours. I heard it's always the rice. Fun fact, it's never the meat.

It's always the rice that gets you food poisoning. It would, yeah, definitely, because the rice is... The rice is... It does that. What were you going to say then? You're the sushi chef. Your weird goatee touches it. Yeah. You'll fucking tickle.

Wow, so sushi chef. You speak any Asian or anything like that? You know how to say things to Japanese sushi chefs? Oftentimes, a lot of the restaurants I go to, they'll fucking say things. Like, domo arigato. Yeah. Mr. Roboto. How about...

Still unfunny. Oh, my God. Joel, let it just... All right. Everybody. I don't understand what this Oriental is saying. All right. Chad, what made you want to become a sushi chef?

I ran out of money Needed a job So I just started making rice What were you doing when you ran out of money? Squatting Did you do that for a while? For like a year Any hot spots here in Phoenix?

I'm from Tucson So I don't know much about Phoenix. That's the Reno of Phoenix, right? The Reno of Phoenix, right? Huh? Yeah. Tucson's the Reno of Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the very Morghetto. Four times.

You were trying to it didn't come across quite clear when you said 10 to 30 times that. Like, we didn't know if you were saying worse than Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, I was going for the negative effect. Right. It's much more negative.

Yeah, indeed. What's your least favorite thing about Tucson? That it's Tucson. You are just... It's kind of boring, I guess, so you have to do drugs. You are just a bucket of fun. I'd say my least favorite thing about Phoenix is your shorts. It's kind of boring, I guess, so you have to do drugs. You're just a bucket of fun. I'd say my least favorite thing about Phoenix is your shorts. It's possible.

Chad, tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you, other than the fact that you're a sushi chef or that your ball sack has a single braid. What else? Any other fun facts about you? Any other fun facts? I do Tai Chi as well Tai Chi?

Can you give us a little example of some of your Tai Chi? A little example Got a little Asian music? It's not really super Kung Fu Yeah, so there's some good old Tai Chi music for you It's more of a meditative art, really It would bore you very much Yeah, yeah, just do something real quick

Do something? If it was going to get boring I wouldn't fucking say to do it on my show. See? See? Listen to that crowd. You thought it was going to be boring. You're right.

That is pretty fucking boring. That was the most exciting move. That was like Lamaze. Yeah. Can we get this hippie out of my town? Yeah, let's keep flying through it. There you go. There's Chad Kochover.

Coachovar, Chad Kochovar. There you go. Completely phonetic. Love potion number nine. I wish you would step back from that. All right, all right, Joel. Jesus Christ. What did we say before the show? You're a crazy bastard.

I'm Bill Billingsley. I hate my wife. I'm fucking my secretary. And I'm hammered. I hate my wife. I'm fucking my secretary. And I'm hammered. Oh, my God. This vodka stuff really works. Wow. We're going to start doing Kill Tony's live from AA meetings all around the country.

I'll never go. For pussies. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Ryan Vanderwold. Ryan Vanderwold. Spell his name out. Here he comes.

Ryan Vanderwold. What's going on, guys? I just turned 30, so some of my friends are telling me that I should probably start dating older women. So I'm up to 19 now. Another thing about me, I have a lot of celebrity crushes.

My number one celebrity crush is Princess Diana. You know when she got crushed in that tunnel? Thank you. I'm excited for 2020, the elections. Want to see what's going to happen, like if Bernie Sanders is going to be alive. It's really weird, right, for how old he is.

There's a lot of young people who support him. There is, I haven't seen this young people who support him. There is... I haven't seen this many young women support an old man since Hugh Hefner. There is more young pussy at a Bernie rally than there is in an R. Kelly dressing room. And I think that's about a minute. That's my time. I'm Ryan. Thank you very much. There it is.

Ryan Vanderwold. Hell yeah. Lips are close to mine. It's this magic moment. Can I just say it's cool to see his paper? No, you can't fucking say. What are you talking about? Shut up, you idiot.

What is happening here? No, sure, Ed. What were you going to say? Well, it's just interesting to see all the notes on the paper. I thought it was just a set list before, but it's actually everything. Well, how could he have a set list? How could he know who's coming up and what would happen? No, what songs he was going to play.

I thought they were all planned out beforehand. He learns all the songs right before he goes on stage. Five minutes before he goes on. And he teaches himself by ear. So it's literally like... Yeah, it's impressive.

Jeremiah loves the Kill Tony fan base and he did that for you guys. Don't drink it. Don't drink it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't drink it. Chug.

Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Wow. My goodness. My goodness.

I don't know. That's Phoenix milk. Isn't that like Phoenix sushi? That might make you sick. All right, young Drew Carey, let's talk about it. You're here. All right. He's chugging

more milk, everybody. I love that he'll say that the window has closed for wrapping, but he'll just keep chugging glass bottles of milk before we start an interview with this guy, though. He's going all the way! It's going to be great. He's going to be shitting out of his dick.

He's going to vomit. He's going to throw up. Can someone from the staff bring a trash can up here so that when he does throw up any second... There's one more left can he do it can someone from the staff grab it oh he's going to the table somebody grab it yes thank you grab us a trash can he's gonna throw up wait he. He doesn't know it, clearly, somehow, but he's definitely going to throw up. A little fun fact, they don't have milk here. That is definitely

non-dairy creamer that he is... Wait, there's one on this table right here. I have to share a hotel room with this guy. I need a trash can. I need a trash can. Oh, you got one? Oh, great. Here you go. Oh, you got one? Oh, great. Here you go.

Oh, God. Wow. Look at this. This is what the comedy club thinks of SNL. Look at that, by the way. One more. That's a trash can, Chubb. Hey, we got one more left

One more He's chugging milk Fans of the show I know what you're thinking What happened to the show three minutes ago Jeremiah has decided for the first time ever Chug Chug

Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Woo!

Wow. That's a first in the show's history. Jeremiah just chugged a bunch of pitchers of milk. Might stand a little bit back. Can we get some ponchos for the front row? Because this shit is going down. It's Gallagher, CBS. Wow, look at this.

This lady is so scared. I didn't mean to call you a lady. I don't know if that's offensive. It appears that he's putting his saxophone away. The good thing about a milkman... All right. It'd be just so... Jeremiah clearly is

retired. There's a little cup of... There's one still behind you. Oh, wow. This place is chaos right now. Don't cry over spoiled milk. Jeremiah, milkman, what the fuck just happened? Would you like to give the podcast listeners any verbal indication of what just happened on this show?

Or is that just going to go down in history as four minutes of silent chugging? Well, you see, the audience kept egging me on to drink more milk. And guess what? I delivered. That's what happens when you... Well, Ryan, it was nice to meet you. No, I'm kidding. Ryan, how long have you been doing stand-up? A little bit less than a year.

A little bit less than a year. Fun times. What did you talk about up here again? Dating life. Princess Diana. That's right. That's right. And Bernie. What's your dating life really like? It's all right. I'm on the dating apps and everything like that.

What dating apps are you on? Tinder and Bumble. Uh-huh. Yeah. What's your name on those sites so that these ladies can find you? Ryan. Wow. The ladies are fanning me.

It's a real unique name. You guys should be able to find me. You should try Clutch. Best date that you've ever had. How'd that go off one of those sites? How did that go? You guys should be able to find me. You should try Clutch. Best date that you've ever had. How'd that go off one of those sites? How did that go? You guys met? That actually happened recently.

My first time where I ever slept with a woman the same night I met her. Yeah, so that was really great. She was a mom of four. A mom of four? A mom of four. Hell, yeah. Maybe five after you're done with her. Exactly, yeah.

You look like you do not pull out. I didn't, no, actually. You didn't? You came inside of her? I did. Really? I did. That is true.

That actually happened. My God. We see who the real milkman up here is. Oh my God. Yes. I did it. I did it. I'm the fifth.

Yeah, fifth is mine. The entire crew is drunk right now. And Jeremiah, he just drank eight pitchers of milk. Somehow he's the one that's about to throw up. Waterfalls of milk. Okay, okay. All right, Ryan. So that first date where you hooked up with a mother of four,

where do you take a mother of four? Corners Pastico. That place is good. We've been there. Local reference. I'm guessing you just got her fucking hopped up on a couple margaritas, huh? No. Her dad actually killed himself.

He was an alcoholic, so she doesn't drink. So she was stone cold sober. Dude, I've never been harder in my life, dude. God damn. It's all true. Wow. Yeah, it was heavy stuff to learn about it on the first date and then come inside of her. Yeah, for sure.

Dump a fucking, the old the old fucking loaf. So tell us something. Oh, God. So tell us, uh, tell us some... Oh, God. So tell us, uh, something else about you, Ryan. Tell us more about, uh, about you. Um, let's see.

I like Magic the Gathering. No, something we don't know. Right. Um, I don't know. Um, I have diabetes. Do you really? I do, yeah. Wow have diabetes. Do you really? I do, yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Goddamn. All right. Okay. You guys want to see some shit? Yeah, we do. What is that? Look at that shit.

No, no, no. Put it away. Put it away. This keeps me alive. That's an iPod? I have a ball. No, just kidding. I shouldn't say that here.

The other side of that, where does that go? In your penis hole? Around there. It's in my leg. It's normally either in my leg or in my stomach. Oh, my God. Wow. I'm surprised that a diabetic guy is so into cream pies.

It's very good. All right. Well, Ryan, anything else for Ryan, guys? Let's keep flying through this, shall we? We're getting down to it. You guys having fun out there? This is going to be a slightly longer than usual episode, if that's okay with you guys.

We've got to wait for Jeremiah to do. Just slightly, don't get crazy. I just want to know if there's anyone out here that is an actual secretary tonight. Any secretaries? Oh shit, look at this one out here. Look at this fucking wild one. Secretary?

Damn, look at her. She looks like she's fucking related to Dog the Bounty Hunter or something like that. She looks like she's fucking related to Dog the Bounty Hunter Or something like that She looks like fun Okay put your hands together for your next comedian Sam R everybody Sam R Sam R period

Sam Sam R Sam R Sam R Here Sam R. Sam R. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Live in the flesh. It's Sam R, everybody. Hey, everybody.

How you doing? There's a lot of labels out there that everybody likes to put on everyone. I don't like how people look at me when they find out I'm a squirter. It's just different, you know, because it's all the time. But I'm a single parent, or I was for about five years. And I had to learn how to mix things up by myself. I didn't date a whole lot. So I went out to a local adult novelty store and I picked up

myself a cock pump. So I go home, you know, I got three children running around the house, put on a cartoon, whatever the fuck, and wedge a chair underneath the doorknob, get myself all pumped up nice and hard, and then get ready to go to Tugtown. And I paused for a second. I realized I like to have my balls sucked on while I'm getting stroked. And I have a device. Never mind. Thank you. Was there more to that? A little bit more. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

So I realized I have a device next to me that actually sucks. And I decided to put it on my balls. Now, I don't realize until after that they sucks. And I decide to put it on my balls. Now I don't realize until after that they're stuck. Until I've already came on myself. And now my belly looks like a... Yeah, it's a little bit too much. What does your belly look like

though? It looks like a glazed donut that was dropped on a barbershop floor. A barbershop floor. Okay, now I get it. Tony, I don't know if you noticed, Jeremiah's not playing the sax anymore because he doesn't want to puke in his new sax. There you go. We are on Puke Watch 2019 with Jeremiah Watkins,

which, I don't know about you guys, but I think he should make himself puke right now and just get it out of his system. I mean, throw a fucking finger down that throat, dude. Let's get it out of the way. These people want to get you back on the saxophone to end the show. I mean, no, fucking finger down that throat, dude. Let's get it out of the way. These people want to get you back on the saxophone to end the show. I mean, no, don't do it. Don't do it.

No. Jeff, don't. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I feel bad. Don't do it. Don't do it.

I'm like... Whatever you want. if you want to dude i'm not forcing you to fucking yo you you do you guys ever sit during the show and go what is my life like what what is fucking going on right now bill we're just trying to have some good, clean fun here tonight. I sit here and go, what have I done? Bill, what did you just sober up for a second? Shut the fuck up. No, I want it to happen.

All right. It looks like he's actually, it appears as though he has digested the milk already. Let's get to sam for a second here sam how are you fantastic uh you said that for a while you were the single parent uh you were a single parent for five years how did your five-year-old die uh well no they didn't they didn't no my five-year-old didn't die my ex left uh-huh my ex left and i had sole custody of all three of my children. So for five years, I did that on my own.

When you say sole custody, that means that you just had custody of their souls, right? Correct, yes. You worship the dark lord, Lucifer. Right, very good. What company do you drive an 18-wheeler for? I don't, actually. I work in heating and air conditioning. Heating!

I would have been the other fucking guest. All you guys look the same. It's weird that heating and air conditioning guys have the biggest beards. It doesn't really make sense. You would think they'd be just the perfect temperature. You've worked in heating and air conditioning for a while? Two years. You have a preference between the two? You seem like you like air conditioning a little bit more. I love it.

When it works. But I'm the one always fixing it when it doesn't. Hell yeah. And surprisingly you don't have diabetes. Am I correct? I may. I have pre-diabetes possibly. According to the VA. It's our second preemie up here tonight.

I love it. Tell us more about you, Sam. You seem like a fun guy. When I got remarried, I married a black woman. Whoa! Get the fuck out of here. My God. I can't imagine how many of your closest friends stopped talking to you.

Well, now I can't go back. You look like the most racist person I've ever seen in my life. Well, I used to actually shave my head like three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Like I said. Yeah, I know. So I had to grow it out after I got remarried. But you kept the beard that whole time?

Well, no, actually. I couldn't grow the beard until I left the military in 2014. Oh, wow. What branch of the military were you in? Wow, the Air Force. Hell yeah. Look at that. Went from Air Force to wearing Air Force Ones.

You married a black woman. Wow. Yeah. Is there something that you notice a little difference between being with a black woman than a white woman? Anything that you prefer? She chokes too soon. She chokes too soon.

Yeah, I come fast when I get choked. She chokes too soon. She chokes you soon. Yeah, I come fast when I get choked. She chokes too soon. She chokes you? Yeah. Oh, I didn't understand that. Wow. Yeah. I don't tell her to stop because I think she owes it to me, kind of.

Damn, that is interesting. So you guys, how long have you two been together? It'll be five years, November. Man, that is so cool. And you still have your three kids. Yep. How old are they? They are 14, 15, and 12.

14, 15? Those are my three, and I have a stepdaughter who's 11. Did you live on the Air Force Base with this woman? What's that? Did you guys live on an Air Force Base? I did, yes. So here's something. Uh-oh, here goes Jeremiah.

Can I say something? So my brother, so my mom was married to a different man than my dad. He was in the Air Force. They lived in Sarpy County, Omaha, Nebraska, where an Air Force base is. And my brother's dad is black. My mom's Mexican. So guys that would

salute... Keep going, Joel. Jesus Christ, this is the kill Bill of stories you're telling. Yeah, you're welcome, you idiots. All right. So on the base, people would have to salute my brother's dad. But then when they would see an interracial couple at the mall or something, they wouldn't like make eye contact.

Wait, what is he doing? What are you doing, Bill? Bill, where are you going? Bill Billingsley just walked off the set. Grab me a Jack and Dime. Jeremiah's about to throw up. That's not the bar, Brian. That's a green room. Jeremiah, are you going to do this or what?

I'm trying my darndest. The whole place is in absolute chaos right now. My goodness. Jeremiah. No, no, no. Okay, Jeremiah, I don't think it's happening that naturally. You should probably stop trying. Yeah, yeah.

My thought was like, wow, all that milk's probably at the top of his stomach. All he's going to need to do is try for a second. It'll probably come out. But now I'm telling you, we can just let it go. Yeah. You know, I think I'm sorry to tell you, Milkman, but I think we're going to need to go a different route with all this. Stop it, Jeremiah.

Oh, no. Stop it. Jeremiah, stop. There you go. There you go. Unbelievable. He's throwing up now. Bill.

Bill Billings. All right. We need paper towels and real towels or whatever. There you go. Wow. This nice lady. The one with the big tits just gave him a tissue. A tampon.

She pulled that right out of fucking... Those things are warm. Wow. How about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins? Oh, my God. And how about one more time for Sam R., ladies and gentlemen, giving us his first time ever on stage. Sam, that was a fun set.

Congrats, man. Nice to meet you. You got upstaged by a vomiting milkman. I don't know what to tell you. Only on Kill Tony can something like this happen. Man, the crowd fucking loved it, man. There's more napkins coming, a lot of donations coming from the audience. It's funny because there is a Kill Tony

jackass connection because we got Rick Cossack, Wee Man. I remember Rick Cossack teaching Jeremiah how to puke. Why don't you tell us a story about it, Joel? Oh my god. What is happening? My name is Bill. I hate my wife and I'm fucking my secretary. You guys want to go back to the bucket one more

time, huh? One more time. There he is. There you go. One more time. There he is. There you go. They got you. There he is in a bottle of water. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Stand Up Live in Phoenix? Move that trash can out of the way.

Always been like home to us. Jeremiah, you want to throw that trash can just on the other side of you there? It's okay. That could even. Oh, okay. Yep. Sure. That works.

Hell yeah. Just in case Bill Billingsley makes himself throw up on one of his long stories somehow I'm the least disgusting person on this stage right now

oh my god wow alright I pulled another name out of the bucket you guys wanna do this one last comic huh

alright here we go closing out the night tonight if he's here put your hands together for Eddie B everyone Eddie B here we go. Closing out the night tonight, if he's here, put your hands together for Eddie B, everyone.

Eddie B. Here we go. There he is. Here he comes all the way around. Eddie B. Eddie B. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Eddie B. One more time for your final comedian of the night,

Eddie B, everyone. Are you good, man? Shut up. Oh, fuck. I can't believe I actually... One more time for Eddie B, everyone. Let's restart your final set of the night, Eddie B.

This is fucking crazy, man. I can't believe I got on stage. So about four years ago I graduated high school, right? I was... In my graduation pictures, I looked like I was fucking drunk, but in reality I had a heart condition, and

so it sucked because I couldn't go to my graduation party and I was at the hospital for like a week straight and they so I had a heart condition so they strapped on these like things to my heart to monitor it and I like was walking home last night and I realized how fucking stupid I am. I was masturbating one night after Game of Thrones. And I just realized yesterday that I had a heart monitor attached to me. So I was like, oh no, the nurse probably fucking saw my heart rate rise. And she's like, oh my god, that kid's masturbating. I'm not going in there for like three hours.

You're going until the end of this joke. The funny thing is, I was there for a week, and it was like the second day, and they didn't change my sheets for the rest of the week. Yeah. It was really bad. No, no.

No. I liked it. Another hand for Eddie B., ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Eddie, I like your style. Oh, thanks. You have a heart condition? Yeah, well, I had pericarditis, so I had an index to my heart.

Yeah, yeah, that's weak lining of the heart. I was once, little fun fact, I was once obsessed with being a heart surgeon. In eighth grade... That makes sense. In eighth grade, I had taught myself how to perform emergency heart surgery with a pen. Oh my god. Hey, ask Joy next time

she's in town. Are you still trying to be a pilot too? Eddie, yes. And I'm not trying, you son of a bitch. I am a pilot. Wait till Golden Pony Airlines fucking debut. Yeah, shut up. And I'm not trying, you son of a bitch. I am a pilot. Yeah. Fucking assholes. Yeah, wait till Golden Pony Airlines fucking debut. All right, Joel.

Unless you're coming back out in underwear, shut the fuck up. All right. I'll do it. Eddie, tell us more about you. You're four years out of high school. Is that true? You graduated high school? Is that true? You graduated high school at 43? Oh, fuck.

The funny thing is I just recently lost my virginity, so yes, I am. Wow. Look at you. What's the black guy's name? This guy went from Game of Thrones to Game of Bones.

You know what I'm talking about? What episode was it that you jerked off after the Game of Thrones? What do you get turned on by Starbucks coffee cups? It was actually the Hardhome episode. The what? The Hardhome episode with the White Walkers when they attacked the Wildlings. Wow. Look at you.

Just got me in the mood, I guess. You're into guys? Jon Snow, yeah. Wow. Look at you. Just got me in the mood, I guess. You're into guys? Jon Snow, yeah. Wow, look at you. I love that. No, I'm straight. Oh, you are. Oh, okay.

Well, I mean, you seem like such a happy, cool guy. I can't tell. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I know it's easy to break your heart. It is. Actually, it is. Period on Titus. I know it's easy to break your heart. It is. Actually, it is. Periodontitis. Eddie, you have to do

special precautions at the dentist and everything for that condition, right? For six months, I couldn't do any physical labor. You look like that's never been something on your wish list. This is what I'm...

Wait a second. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Look at... Hold on. Joel, come here. Joel, come here. If you're going to show these people this,

stand in front of them for a second. Now turn around. Show these people that ass of yours. Can you just do that? Look at this, ladies and gentlemen. It's like SpongeBob SquarePants. This is why we need to build a wall. All right, sit down.

Joel, go sit down. This guy's got a weak heart. You're coming out in fucking women's underwear. So no manual labor. Eddie, so now you're what, 22? I think I need to throw up again. Hey, Eddie, you're 22? How dare you?

Doesn't make any sense. It really doesn't. Okay, there you go, yes. Tony, can I ask a question? Yes. I haven't figured it out yet, but what is it about this show that attracts all these

Bobby Hill-looking motherfuckers? That is... Whoa! Hey! It really is. It's like every other show. I started balding before it became cool. Sure, whatever. So you're 22 years old? Yes. What do you do for work?

I work at a field center right now. A field center? Yeah. What do you mean a field center? A field center. What is that? Basically I just run the... I just help old people and just kind of give out gas. What do you help them do? What do you help them do? You have a weak heart. What the fuck are you helping old people for?

Well, I don't know if Kroger, you guys have Smith's or Ralph's? You talking about grocery stores, my friends? Yeah. We're from Ohio originally. We were there. We are OG Kroger people. Second job, I guess. My first job, Giant Eagle, Youngstown, Ohio.

I work at the Kroger equivalent in Arizona, which is Fry's. Yeah. No, we know Fry's. Yeah. I work at a fuel center. What the fuck is a fuel center? Fuel. Fuel.

Fuel. Fuel? Fuel? Fuel? Yeah, fuel. Wait, you say it. center? Fuel. Fuel. Fuel. Fuel? Yeah, fuel. Wait, you say it. You say it. Fuel. Fuel? Yeah, but how are you saying it?

Fuel? Yeah. Fuel? What the fuck is this Phoenix accent that's happened since we were... I got it, dude. It's drugs. Jesus Christ, Leonard Skinner. Fucking relax.

I know what he's saying, but he wasn't saying it right. Just because you guys speak fucking Phoenician or whatever this is. He's saying fucking fuel. But he's saying feel. Goddamn motherfucking crazy fucks. Feel like touch.

Fuel. Fuel. You know you're the second guy up here that can't pronounce his job correctly. Fuel. Oh. Fuel. Yeah. You know you're the second guy up here that can't pronounce his job correctly. Fuel center. So you're pumping gas. No. Customers just give me money and I just kind of put it in.

You're a cashier. Yeah. I mean, customers always give you money, you idiot. I work at a fuel center. Gas station attendant. Yes, absolutely. Customers pay me. So you said you just lost your virginity.

Let's talk about it before we get out of here. How did this magic happen? So you pump someone filled with fucking unleaded? What are we talking about here? Is this live right now? No, it's not live. It'll be up on the internet later. You're sleeping right now, dude.

You're sleeping. Well, it was actually more of a friends with benefits type thing. Uh-huh. So what happened? I'm still getting over it. She started dating her previous boyfriend. It's okay. We're not talking about that.

We're going to the beginning of the story, not the end of the story. Well, it was like a week before Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right before Christmas. And all through the house. Well, it was like a week before Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right before Christmas and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring. And she told me she liked me and then we were drinking. Are you sure you already graduated from high school?

It was a small school. She told you she liked you and you were drinking. What were you drinking? Fucking juice boxes? I believe it was margarita mix. She told you she liked you and you were drinking. What were you drinking? Fucking juice boxes? Capri Sun. I believe it was margarita mix. Oh, boy. Margarita mix?

Just the mix? With tequila. I actually, I've done that before, too. I was once young and stupid. Then did you stick your dilly-dally in her bib-bop? Oh, hey, we're rushing that a little bit. We're rushing a little bit fast in the story. You were drinking the margarita mix?

Well, it was like with tequila. Oh, you did put some tequila in there. Very good. I love it. I was kind of massaging her thighs. Get out of here. This is a... Oh, fuck.

I'm going to go off on a limb here, Eddie, and I'm going to guess this is sort of like a bigger girl, a little bit thicker. No, no, no. She's actually like... Compared to me, she's attractive as fuck. Damn, I love them both. Wow.

Okay, so you're rubbing her thighs. What is she doing? She's sitting next to you on a couch or something like that? Yeah, we were watching Shameless. Oh, okay. Well, that's a big deal. I know when women see William H. Macy, they get a little... Wait, don't spoil it.

I'm on, like, season four still. Okay, sure. But, um... I have no idea. I've never watched an episode. I don't give a fuck. Go ahead. But I could kind of, like, you know, feel the moment.

So I just kind of... I kissed her. How could you feel the moment? How do you think you could feel the moment as a virgin? I mean, she's letting me rub. Was there something that happened? She's letting me rub right here. So I was like, oh. And then what'd you do? I started kissing her and then... Let me ask you a question. You said you were rubbing her thigh for a little bit. Hold on. Give me this one second. Then I'll come right

to you, milkman. You said you were rubbing her thigh for a while. Yeah. Right? And then you said that she was letting you rub right there, right? How long were you rubbing right there on her for? How long did you spend on that upper part of the thigh? Well, it was like a progressive thing.

I just kind of, you know. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah, we call that move the Louis C.K. Yeah. No, go ahead. So then, after.K. Yeah. No, go ahead. So then after you rub the milkman, go ahead. I'm going to get it. Okay, okay, back to you.

Stick with me over here, Eddie, over here. So when you did that, and then how do you make your move? When you found out that it was the right time, what did you do? You would lean in for a kiss? I kissed her neck. Wow. Was it? Yes, jingle bells indeed, because the story takes place right before Christmas.

I've blown so many loads of that song. Yes. Okay. Yep. So you kissed her neck. Wow. You're putting chapstick on right now. Red band.

All right. All right. Okay. So, Eddie, you kissed the top of her neck. When you say that you kissed her neck, are you talking about with tongue or just a peck or something like that? Well, she was also my first kiss. Can you give us a little example facing the audience of how you kissed her neck?

He could kiss me. Wow. All right. Beautiful. Beautiful. Whatever, alright. Beautiful. Wait a second, wait a second. Can you rub his thigh how you were rubbing your thigh? No?

What the fuck are you talking about? You're a goddamn cashier at a gas station. You can rub his thigh. Are we going to have to censor this on YouTube? Am I in trouble? No, no, no. After you kissed her on the neck, did you lean in? Wait, here we go.

Oh, my God. Here we go. Wow. I'm glad you stopped when you did because that could have been gay. Yeah, you good at that. That's what she said too. Thanks. For those of you listening to the podcast, he just massaged Joel's thigh, and Joel is hard as a rock right now.

No, no, no. I'm like mid-chub. After you kissed her on the neck, did you lean into her ear and whisper, do you want to go steady? Fuck, I wish. Eddie, how long did you last? How long did you wear a condom? Actually... Tell us the truth, Eddie.

Eddie. The truth will set you free, Eddie. Eddie, over here. I don't think any of my friends are going to watch this. For a while, we were just kind of barebacking it. What do you mean for a while? Yo, you fucked raw, dude. Wait a second.

Everybody hold on. It was great. It was great. The only thing I like in the raw is my milk. Organic. Okay. All right. Yeah.

Okay. No, stick at the story. Jesus, milk man. My God. Yeah. No better time than a fresh milk joke than right now. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. So when you say for a little bit, you were barebacking it.

What length of time are we talking about? Like three months. Wait. Wow. She had an implant, though. She had an implant? Yeah. What kind of implant?

A dick. Oh. Wow, she had one of the arm implants. So you were fucking her for three months after that. Look at you, you little fucking fuck machine. No, it was just one session. He left it in for three months and followed her around. My God, so then what?

Then you started using a condom? Well, she started talking to her ex again, so... Oh, you didn't have that fucking granny panty dick, dude. Heck yeah. Yeah, no more barebacking from you. Went from IED to IOU. She fucking... Well, there you go.

Well, you know what, Eddie? I'm sure that after a set like this, all these beautiful women in the audience... No, no, no, no. All the beautiful women in the audience... No. No, no. I'm good.

It's a little tense right now. I think you could probably... Eddie, over here. I think you could probably get laid tonight from one of these beautiful women in the crowd. There's a lot of men out there clapping their hands. Maybe they'll let you bear back then. Yeah, by some girl who really loves a picnic.

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for your final comedian of the night, Eddie B. Wow. Epic. Epic times. There he goes. So much fun.

We're going to be taking pictures, shaking hands, selling posters, Jeremiah, some feminist Stacy t-shirts. There's this, there's that. We're going to be right outside that door in just a matter of seconds there to say hi to you. I'll be wearing the same thing I am right now. If you want to say hi,

if you've you know, whatever you want to do, swing by and say hello to us on your way out. Anything else from, how about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins? The new Reagan and Watkins album is out June 7th. There's a party June

6th at the Comedy Store. Big show. I'm going to be doing stand-up. I think Red Band's going to be doing stand-up. A bunch of other special guests. And there's a party. June 6th at the Comedy Store, a big show. I'm going to be doing stand-up. I think Red Band's going to be doing stand-up. A bunch of other special guests. And there's a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out. What else, Jeremiah? Yeah, follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. And then subscribe to my YouTube channel, YouTube.com slash JeremiahWatkins.

That's right. How about another hand for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He's on social media mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel? Yeah, shout out to Ludwig, Reagan and Watkins on the 7th. It's a great record. I can't wait until you hear it.

Also, we love you guys. Phoenix is like a second fucking home to us. We do love Phoenix so much. Thank you so much. We really love you guys. This is the shit. Thank you. We're in the first city to kick start our summer tour, ladies and gentlemen.

We love you so much. We'll see you again very soon thank you we love you good night