KILL TONY - KILL TONY #349 - BOISE
Episode Date: May 17, 2019Doug Benson, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/15/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...
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ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and we are in the middle of our summer tour
right now i'm in uh spokane washington uh we have a show tonight tomorrow we're in portland oregon
it's sold out and then the following day vanc. And then following that, we are in Seattle.
Both shows are sold out there, though.
And then we're going to Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, Brooklyn, Skankfest.
Every one of these dates can be found at Death squad.tv just click on tour dates go to
ryanjebelt.com he's the house artist for all his posters and all the stuff he does there he's
ryanjebelt.com tonyhingecliff.com that's for everything golden pony and last but not least
shop squad.tv there you can get all the official Death Squad merchandise, and there might be a couple Kill Tony shirts left.
Go to shopsquad.tv.
So join us on our tour, guys.
Don't wait, because these are selling out all the time.
So don't forget to go to deathsquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Boise, Idaho
for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.
Boise, we're here. Make some fucking noise.
Wow, look at this.
It's Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.
What is up, guys?
Hell yeah.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
We're excited.
This is the first ever Kill Tony live in Boise, Idaho.
You guys excited about this shit or what?
I know I am.
We are in the middle of a big crazy tour,
Brian Redband. That's what brings us to Boise.
Yes. We got our
potato bucket, I see. We have the official
Idaho potato fucking
bucket of destiny here.
This is very exciting.
They went bad on 4-18-2019,
but we're going to be pulling out of there anyway.
Excited.
We're in the middle of it.
There was actually a lot of sign-ups tonight.
Yeah, it's a good amount.
I appreciate it.
And it's been a good turnout so far.
We've been to Phoenix, Vegas, Salt Lake City yesterday.
We're in Boise tonight.
Tomorrow, Spokane.
Then Portland, Vancouver.
Two shows in Seattle are sold out,
and then it starts again in June.
Lawrence, Kansas at the Granada Theater.
Omaha, Nebraska at the Waiting Room.
Des Moines at Woolies.
Appleton Skyline Comedy Cafe.
Milwaukee at the Turner Hall Ballroom.
Chicago at Thalia Hall.
Madison, Wisconsin at the Majestic Theater.
Minneapolis at the Cedar Cultural Center.
Poughkeepsie in New York.
New York has two shows at the Gramercy Theater.
Drink delicious caveman coffee.
Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15%.
There's a new Reagan & Watkins album
coming out on June 7th. You can currently
pre-order that as of right now.
So that's very exciting for you.
Correct, everybody? Reagan & Watkins?
A band born
on KILTONI? You guys
like bands, right? Well, that's very exciting. You know,
normally on these road shows, we never have guests. A little fun fact for you. But when
somebody told us that we were coming to Boise, Idaho, I said, Boise? Boise, Idaho? Are most likely our lowest turnout of audience members
on the entire tour that we're going on?
I mean, Boise?
Boise with three bars of Wi-Fi at best anywhere?
Yeah.
We're going there?
I said, we have to do something special for them.
I feel like they deserve something special.
So let it be known that
as it looks, this is the only stop on the tour this entire week that we'll have a guest.
Only you, Boise, get a guest. This guest is, if you're a fan of the show, he's one of your
favorite guests that you've seen on this show. You know him from his amazing comedy specials.
I mean, he's basically the granddaddy
of live podcasting in front of a live audience.
He has unbelievable TV shows, documentaries, and podcasts.
You know him from Doug Loves Movies.
You know him from Getting High with Doug.
Boise, I present to you Doug Benson.
You sons of bitches.
Wow. Wow.
Hey.
Hell yeah.
Because we got Doug.
Because we got Doug.
Because we got Doug.
Doug Benson is here live in the flesh.
Doug is, Doug's got Doug Loves Movies.
He's going absolutely everywhere on the road with it.
It's very exciting times.
You are going to, I lost my fucking notes.
Look at that.
Oh, I can say it.
I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin
on May 25th at
Comedy on State.
That is correct. Oh, there it is. Yes.
May 25th.
Douglovesmovies.com. Touring everywhere.
Welcome back, Doug.
This is so cool. It's so good to be here.
I love Boise. Yeah. He literally...
I don't want to
blow your cover of being such a great
guy, Doug, or get this audience
any more on your side because they seem like
they already love you, but let it be known that Doug
came here because he looked at
our tour schedule and literally wanted to
stop into Boise, Idaho.
He really does think
it's an amazing city.
Honestly, I still need a little more convincing.
I don't really, I'm not that big of a Boise guy yet.
It's way better than Salt Lake City, Utah.
Yeah, that is true.
There you go.
Fuck you, Salt Lake City,
and your hundreds and hundreds more audience members that turned out.
Well, that is true.
Yes, that is.
But we're happy to be here.
Doug's here.
I mean, it doesn't get much cozier than this for me when it comes to this show.
It's got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
I think we're only missing one thing, and that's a band.
Here on this show, we have what I like to call
the best damn band in the land. Every single
episode, they commit to being different characters.
I never know what they're going to be. We never know what they're
going to be. It could be anything. Maybe it's the return
of some of our favorite band characters
of all time. Maybe it's a brand new character.
You know, Boise, I would
expect maybe, I don't know,
anything can happen. Let's see what
happens all together, shall we?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest things in all of comedy.
It's the Kill Tony Band.
Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.
Let's see what's happening here.
Wait, what?
What?
What is
happening?
Oh my
goodness. Wow.
We were in Salt Lake City
yesterday and I'm guessing these are a couple
Mormon guys. Is this what's happening?
What exactly
can you help us out?
Target employees? Hi, team leader at target zane roberts
how's everybody doing oh my god team leader this is a serious job the team leader of target that's
fucking cool great all right and uh and what do we got back here what is this little uh what is
this little uh oh my god i I mean, you look like,
this is what Donald Trump looks like without
the
I don't know what. I don't know what you're
missing there. Something's
going on. Do you want to hear my name or what?
Yeah. I'm Thomas Alfonso.
I work in the stockroom here.
You're what? Thomas Alfonso.
I work in the stockroom
here at Target. Watch your tone, mister. Thomas Alfonso. I work in the stock room here at Target. Watch your tone,
mister.
Thomas Alfonso.
And one more time, Zane.
Zane Roberts. Zane Roberts.
All right, Zane.
Well, I'm excited. This is
definitely the first time we've had Target
employees on the show, correct?
Am I correct about that? Yeah.
This is the debut of them. We have Doug Benson. We about that? Yeah. This is the debut of
them. We have Doug Benson. We have
Brian Redman. This is very exciting.
This brings me back to the amazing Idaho
potato bucket of destiny
that we have here.
A bunch of people signed up for the show
to get the opportunity to do 60 seconds
of stand-up on this stage and then
talk with all of us about your lives.
Maybe we find out something that you want to talk about too. Maybe we find out something that you don't want to talk about.
You just answer the questions honestly and we'll take care of the rest. You know your 60 seconds
of stand up is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, isn't that adorable? Did you hear
that? Let's hear it one more time. There you go. It's louder now. That means wrap it up then or
else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Oh, I mean the angry
balcony bar bear.
Is that the right
reference? Balcony bar? Balcony bar,
yeah. The balcony
bar. Yeah, there was another one also.
Yes, the runner up
for that was the lucky dog tavern
bear. There's a couple gay guys that know what I'm talking about here in the front row. The runner up for that was the Lucky Dog Tavern.
There's a couple gay guys that know what I'm talking about here in the front row.
You lucky dogs.
The staircase is a perfect name for a gay bar, right?
Just an easy conversation starter.
Hey, you come here often, you lucky dog?
Just butt fucking immediately afterwards.
All right. Anyway, there's a staircase right here down the middle.
Don't try to get on the stage any other way.
Take your time being safe coming up and down.
That is a real cement floor.
So take care of yourselves and one another.
And you people at the bottom there, catch them if they fall.
Please.
This big soft guy right here, please.
Just fall towards him.
Yeah.
All right.
You guys ready to start this fucking thing?
This is how it happens. We're live
for the first time ever in Boise.
We got a balcony up there.
Balcony, how are you guys doing?
Wow, there's got to be at least
17 people up there. This is very
exciting. It's the type
of warm welcome we were hoping
when I found out we got fucking Boise, baby.
This is how it works.
Okay, let's see what happens here.
Put your hands together for Joshua Dickey.
Exclusive?
Yeah, Joshua Dickey.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
One more time for Joshua Dickey, everybody.
One more time for Joshua Dickey. And before we start this, let me remind you right now,
there is no heckling from the audience
during the comedian's 60 seconds.
And one more time for Joshua Dickey.
Where my anti-vaxxers at?
There you go.
Forgot my jokes.
Where are my dead kids at?
Same guy.
Okay.
But I don't want to live in a world where black people are allowed to call each other n-words but
mentally handicapped can't call each other r-words they get one word so I So I work in construction. And we got to turn our music down when it gets too vulgar, you know.
But the Framers, One House Down, just blasts drug cartel music.
Nobody understands it.
So that's all I got.
Thank you.
There you go.
That's all he's got.
Joshua Dickey.
I like your style, man.
I've always wondered what my comedy would be like
if I had a traumatic brain injury.
This is good.
You got a good smile, kid.
I like your fucking bone structure, dude.
Maybe one day when you're a little bit older
you can grow some of this manly, manly facial hair
that I ended up getting one day.
How old are you, Joshua?
23.
Is that your cell phone ringtone going off right now?
No.
Wowzers.
It's the joke truck backing up
with some stuff for this guy.
There you go.
Absolutely.
So Joshua, let's talk about it.
First time ever doing stand up
hell yeah
there you go
popping your cherry
and you wrote it all out on that piece of loose leaf paper
can I read it
can I take a glimpse of
I always feel that when somebody comes up
with notes that I should get
to examine the evidence
sort of like a judge in court
I mean I've got a bad in court, you know what I mean?
I mean, I've got a bad memory, too, for obvious reasons,
but, I mean, I think
I could hold a minute of material
in my head.
Just the one minute.
And they don't penalize you for going under.
It's not Crayola. That's a good sign.
Is it better on the page? Can I just can i just tell you there's one he did everything
word for word right down the barrel uh except one thing here is scratched out and it might be my
favorite joke out of the whole thing of course it says my new neighbor's dog just got kennel cough
now you guys are going after dogs now? That's it.
It's perfect.
Did Seinfeld write that one for you?
No.
I know people don't take their dogs to dog parks anymore.
Because of the anti-vaxxers.
It's got to be, right?
Wait, dogs can get measles?
I don't know.
I don't get it.
Wow.
So, Joshua, your first time doing stand-up.
How old are you?
23.
23 fucking years old.
That's great.
And you work in construction?
Yeah.
What do you do?
The paperwork?
I'd rather do the actual work.
Yeah? like what?
Backbreaking work? What is that
for you? Getting out of the car?
Getting off the phone books
that you sit on?
How many women do you yell
at during a day while you're working
as they walk by innocently?
I might yell at the guys that work for me.
Oh yeah? You're not cat calling?
You're dog calling? No.
Lucky dog?
Did you say you're hollering?
I'm confused.
You said you're hollering at guys while you're at work?
What does that mean?
Getting them to work.
Getting them to work?
Yeah.
Are you the, you're like a supervisor there?
Getting there.
Really?
Yeah.
How are you moving up the chain so fast at 23 years old?
Well, for plumbing, you got to take four years of school.
You got to get so many thousands of on-the-job hours.
You got to get your journeyman exam, which is two exams.
I'm on my way there, so.
Hell yeah.
Just got done with the fourth year.
You wear a hard hat while you're at work?
No. No, I can tell. A few
beams have definitely fallen.
Good luck with your
journey, man.
Joshua, tell us some more about you. What do you do
when you're not working? What have you been doing with your life
up until this point?
Usually eat something and crash immediately.
Eat something and you crash. You might want to check
with the doctor about perhaps
some food allergies.
Dog food makes me sleepy.
Dog food is in aisle nine.
Hey, Zane.
Tony, I like this guy.
He's slim and shady.
For sure.
So, Joshua, what else about you?
What do you do for fun?
Lose yourself in the music the moment you own it.
You better never let it go.
Hey, make them earn it. Make them earn it,
you fucking weirdos.
People were just picturing chanting all
day long. Oh, but we're gonna
fucking do it when it happens. Gotta let them
warm up sometimes.
You'll fucking know.
Do you get a lot of opportunities for
Adam Sandler cosplay?
Adam Sandler with leukemia cosplay?
Joshua, I'm trying to find out what you do for fun.
Not much, really.
Come on, you've got to think hard on this one.
There's got to be something.
You seem like the kind of guy that shoots yourself in the head
with a paintball gun or something like that.
There must be some hobby.
There must be some trophy that you have on your wall
or like a sport of some kind
or maybe camping or something like that.
Do you play a lot of pinball in a cigar store?
It seems like a gig around here.
Or perhaps you smoke a lot of cigars in a pinball store.
Anything.
That's the answer.
That's the question I was hoping not to get
because I really don't have much hobbies.
Okay, you want to play this game?
Let's fucking play it, Joshua.
So when you go home after work,
what time do you get off?
About 5, 6?
Maybe 6.30.
6.30, okay.
That's pretty specific.
What's the first hobby you do?
No, what do you do exactly when you get home?
What's your living situation?
You live with your parents?
Prepare dinner, maybe.
What?
Prepare dinner.
What?
Dinner.
What kind of dinner?
Yeah, sure.
Cooking?
Yeah, like what?
Hungry boy.
Chicken?
Chicken?
What the fuck?
You cook chicken every day?
Stick with me, Joshua.
Don't you fucking turn your hand upside down at me.
Like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, dude.
Chicken, rice, hamburger.
I do like your mic cord work your first time out.
It's impressive.
Okay, so you cook some fucking chicken.
And then where do you eat the chicken?
You sit at a table by yourself?
Yeah, I live by myself.
And then what? Are you trying to get me You sit at a table by yourself? Yeah, I live by myself. Yep, and then what?
Are you trying to get me to
say I jerk off every day? No, Joshua.
If that's something that you
do every night when you get home,
then we're going to get there.
We're going to get there. Do you jerk off while eating
your chicken? No.
I clean my plate. Some fucking jerk
chicken? Is that what we're talking about?
So you eat your fucking chicken.
And then what?
You do your dish?
You do your dish?
What do you fucking do?
Maybe a week later.
You only got one dish.
You do it then?
You put it in the sink.
Nah.
I'll wait till I've run out of clean dishes, then I clean them.
You wait till you've run out of clean dishes, then you clean them.
So you put it in the sink is the
answer, right? Yeah, where are we
getting at here? You put it in the sink.
Don't worry about where the fuck we're getting
at, dude. Answer the questions.
Look at me. Stop looking around. Stop
trying to memorize. This is a great law
and order SVU.
Stop trying to memorize your dreams,
Josh. I'm living the dream.
You put a dish on another dish and then where do you walk to next?
You do it.
Let me remind you of this hard question.
You do it every day.
I sit down.
Where?
I'm crashing at like 8.
Back at the table?
I don't have a table.
So you have a TV tray that you eat on.
I got a bar stool.
A bar stool.
I might watch comedy or whatever while I'm eating.
Yeah, and then what?
And then what do you do?
Oh, I'm on YouTube music a lot, like podcast app.
Okie dokie.
What are you expecting?
I'm 23.
Are you good at cooking chicken?
Are you expecting something interesting?
Are you good at cooking?
No.
No?
You just make yourself shit chicken?
Jerk off on it?
Maybe after I eat it.
Because I was going to say, that could be a hobby, the cooking, but he's not even into that.
This guy doesn't seem like he enjoys a fucking thing in the world.
He just likes telling people what the fuck to do.
When was your last girlfriend?
Have you had a relationship lately?
Like two years.
Two years.
Why did it end?
Fuck.
Go ahead, Joshua.
This is where you answer the question.
I'm just not good at it.
Not good at what?
Keeping a relationship.
Yeah, I don't really get out much.
She got sick of chicken.
Yeah.
She got sick of eating chicken and then sitting around until they fell asleep together.
Hey, baby, I'm going to listen to some podcasts about comedy.
You just sit over there and maybe do the dishes that I've never done before.
Joshua, how long were you with her for?
A couple months.
A couple months.
Is that your longest relationship?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
And what was her reason for leaving?
What did she tell you?
It's getting personal up here.
It's on every application, your reason for leaving your previous job.
Just answer the question.
Move back to a home city. What? Move back to a home city.
What?
Move back to a home city.
Oklahoma City.
She moved back to Oklahoma.
A home city.
Her home city.
Where's that?
California.
It's one of the best cities out there.
Yeah, it really is.
The city of California, if you guys get a chance to check it out, it's pretty big. It's cool.
We live there in that city.
We do live there somewhere. Joshua,
if I could give you one piece of
advice, it would be to start wearing
a hard hat while you're at work.
I work indoors.
What?
If we have to wear a hard hat,
we just hang it up outside. You don't have to
wear it inside.
One more time for Joshua Dickey, ladies and gentlemen.
JD.
He did it.
Hey.
Heck yeah, there he goes, Joshua Dickey.
For a construction worker, he really had a hard time pulling out a microphone out of a little clip.
Yeah.
Well, you know, he's used to fucking, I guess, real man shit.
I guess this is...
Yeah.
How about another hand for Zane Roberts over here?
Thomas Alfonso.
Who's running the target while you guys are here?
Well, there's a young boy with a bright future
who's taking my place at the moment.
His name is Dylan.
He's 16.
Wow.
He's my apprentice.
If he follows everything that I say,
he could be me someday.
You see this wedding ring on my finger?
I'm not married.
All right, I'm glad I asked.
I'm married to Target 24-7.
You got a problem with that?
Meet me in the parking lot.
Then what?
Will I blow you?
I don't know.
I pulled a name out of the
bucket. You guys having fun out there yet, huh?
All right.
Let's keep it moving along. Put your hands together
for Pedro De Pachex.
Pax?
Pedro De Pachex. Here he comes.
Oh, yeah. Let's do this.
Okay, my name's not really Pedro,
but I thought I would just put something original
for the first time.
So can I go?
Okay, guys, one of the things I want
to say is it's hard to
acclimate to this country because
I heard about this dating app. It's called Grind
Her. Dude, the pictures
I've been getting are fucked up.
That's how I met Josh. It's crazy.
And then I tried out for the Olympics. Hey, bro, they disqualified me. They said I had an
unfair advantage. I already made it over here. That's fucked up. It's bad. It's bad. Okay,
let's go to another situation I had. They say this is a land of equal opportunity and it's fair for everybody.
But has anybody been to that bathroom?
The fucking urinal is like this high, bro.
My balls are frozen right now.
And the guy that was looking at me, I told him, hey, dude, it's cold.
Trust me, it's much bigger when it's hot.
You know what I'm saying?
But, okay.
Let's see.
Uh-oh, here we go. There he is.
Pedro.
You did it, buddy. First time?
For what?
Exactly.
That's exactly right. I told the
priest, I've been here many times.
Be gentle. Wow.
That's how that joke would have gone
had you done it.
But I guess you did do it.
I'm glad you're up here.
This is the first time we've had Mexican Joe Pesci on the show.
I'm pretty pumped.
Hey, bro, you know what's fucked up?
When I was outside, they were asking me for my autograph,
and I thought they saw me from training day,
but it was actually the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.
Wow, dude.
Wow, that's how that joke would have gone.
I don't get it.
Thank goodness you took these things out of your set.
Purple and green if you want to know, okay?
That was me.
All right, all right, all right.
Yeah, Pager, let's slow it down a little bit.
So first time doing stand-up comedy tonight?
Yeah, this is my first time.
Heck yeah, there you go.
First time, see?
Trying to get them to like you a little bit here.
Very smooth for first time.
Yeah, for sure.
You got the smoothness down.
But that's just his head.
That's how we blend in, bro.
Heck yeah.
That's how we take your job.
Wow.
Jesus.
Hey, wait a second.
I'm all right with you.
Oh, my God.
That's because I cut his grass at a discount.
All right.
Hey, nobody cuts my grass.
That's right. I keep all cuts my grass. That's right.
I keep all of my grass.
Zane Roberts.
Yes, this is like if Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite never got elected
class president.
Hey, bro, but you know what?
I still got a backup plan. I'm on
FUPA Hunters. You're on what?
FUPA Hunters. Fat upper
pussy area. We all know what it is.
Jesus Christ, bro.
All right.
Very good.
Clean up on fat pussy area.
Couldn't even repeat it back.
Doug, you keep up that attitude.
You're going to get a job real soon.
In the parking lot?
But I still want to meet you outside.
Wow. All right. Easy, Angry Eddie Bravo.
I'm not angry.
I was hoping the pushpops
at Target were really good.
0 for 7.
This is incredible.
You're like reverse...
He's got lines.
He lays them out there with confidence.
He tries.
How did I make it across the border
if I wasn't confident, bro?
Because you're a Mexican genie.
Oh, shit.
I can't give you wishes,
but I can give you something else.
I don't know.
No one knows what you're talking about.
He's got a response to everything,
but it never adds up.
It's so weird.
It's like the worst,
how did I get across the Mexican border
to get to the other side? No, that would be funny. I know. It's like the worst how did I get across the Mexican border to get to the other side?
No, that would be funny.
That's better. You fucking
punched it up.
I was accidentally funnier than
anything he said. I'm trying
to be unfunny and I can't even
fucking, I can't even pull
it off with you. Hey, let me tell you this, bro.
When they told us they were building a wall,
you know what I thought? Hey, I'm gonna
finally get to work out those glutes.
Like, why? Why would you do that? Why would you
work out glutes? What's
the connection? What are you doing? Reverse
wall sits? I don't understand. You think
you're gonna jump over the wall? What is
happening? Dude, I'm like, joke's on you, Trump.
I'm gonna fucking work out my glutes, dude.
I'm gonna be so
fit when I get into your country.
But only my glutes.
I could be working out everything,
but I'm going to focus on the glutes.
Hey, bro, I can't tell you why,
because then they'll know, and then I won't make it.
It's like a Mexican fortune cookie.
At this point, I'm pretty sure you could say
the funniest thing in the world,
and we're all going to hold strong.
That's okay.
Pretty much.
I've never seen anything like this before.
Tony, can I try to do one?
You ask me like I'm him.
I want to answer.
Oh, that's fun.
Okay, Pedro number two.
Pedro, so tell me, what have you been doing with your life up until this?
Oh, shit.
We got an imposter, people.
Wow, Pedro one, worst thing you could have done is interrupt this. Oh, shit. We got an imposter, people. Wow. Pedro won. Worst thing you could have done
is interrupt this part of the segment.
You're digging yourself a deeper hole.
But, of course, Mexican guys love doing that.
So, whoops.
Oops.
I did it again.
All right.
I'm going to ask.
I'm going to.
We're going to just talk with Joel for a second here, Pedro.
You just relax with that microphone.
All right.
Pedro, number two.
What have you been doing with your life up until this point?
Oh, you know, just like, just doing
it and that's it, you know?
Alright. How about you, Pedro, number one?
What do you do for work?
My work's kind of shitty.
I'm a plumber. Wow.
So is your comedy. I know, dog.
I know.
I'm glad you're here. Are you really a plumber,
or do you just want to do that shit joke?
No, no, I'm really a plumber.
As a matter of fact,
I'm Josh Dickey's boss.
Whoa, is that true?
I saw that you were sitting next to Joshua Dickey,
the previous comedian.
The only empty seat next to him was yours,
and I also noticed that you were filming his whole set. So this is really
true. You guys work together. I was just
using it for blackmail, but whatever.
I think in your case it would be brownmail.
Were you the guy who heckled him?
Did you heckle him?
Did you say you look like my parole
officer when he went on? Because that also
doesn't make sense. You never make
sense.
It's true.
I'll tell you what,
he does look like my parole officer,
but only when his pants are down.
Why?
You just do it immediately after I pointed it out.
What the fuck is happening?
And the real question there would be,
why would you even know
what Joshua Dickey's dick would look like? Why would you
suck your own employee's dick?
The parole officer I would get, but
why would you know what Joshua's
dick looks like? At least we know
one of Joshua's hobbies is him
sucking his dick. Yeah, you definitely
shouldn't be... Finally got one. You definitely
shouldn't be inspecting his plumbing.
What can I say? I lay
pipe for a living.
He's always got one.
Oh, my God.
Yet he doesn't.
He's always ready and then fails.
He responds in the beats of someone that has something.
Hey.
Yeah, do it again.
Let me tell you guys something right now.
That wall is not done because if it was done,
I would have came up here,
I would have clapped the fuck out of that right there.
You know what I'm saying?
No, we do not
understand your jokes.
They never make sense.
But don't worry, they're working on it
and I will be back and we'll
maybe do part two. Nope, nope.
Yet again. Still doesn't have it.
Let's check in with Zane Roberts over there.
Yeah, how does it feel that your boss is way
worse at this than you?
That's true.
Pedro, so you're the boss over there.
This is your first time doing stand-up.
What do you like to do?
You saw how your employee Joshua basically does.
He eats chicken and falls asleep.
Is there anything that you do off stage when you're not working
that's fun, that gives you some
relaxation or that you find
some joy in? Yeah, actually
I mow yards. I start out at $20
an hour. If anybody's interested, hit me up
in the back when this is all done. I'll get
you a discount.
You really did a thing
with the cord like you just said a joke.
That was more like you really want to mow their lawns.
I do.
But you really do, right?
Like, I believe you.
That didn't seem like a joke to me.
Do you not mow lawns?
You know what it is, bro?
I haven't had hair in so long
that it almost feels like I got some.
I just want to, like, dance around.
Oh, my God.
One guy's clapping at that.
He might be on mushrooms.
He might be on mushrooms.
We don't know.
You can never really count on one guy losing their mind at that.
He may have actually seen hair appear in that joke of the act out that you did.
That guy got some of those legal Colorado mushrooms.
Yeah.
Sneaking them over the Rockies.
No, he's just like all the other white guys at the construction sites.
They always ask me for drugs, and I did hook him up.
Okay, that felt real at least.
That felt real.
It wasn't funny, but it seemed like a true story.
Tony, I'm ordering a MAGA hat right now.
All right, Pedro.
Well, you had your first time up here.
You gave it a shot.
I love your fucking, I love your confidence.
We all agree that you have the delivery of a comedian.
It's all about Boise.
There you go.
Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
He's going out on a good note.
There goes Pedro.
He couldn't even win them over with their name of the city at the end.
Is there any people in the audience that
signed up that actually do stand-up comedy?
Okay, we got some.
We've only pulled two names out, Brian.
But also, you can't
sit out there and heckle anymore. Don't
yell shit out. You had your turn.
Nobody heckled you.
Yeah.
Don't yell anything for the rest of the show,
okay? There you go.
Well, you just...
All right, put your hands together for your next comedian.
Goes by the name of Timmy Kors.
Timmy Kors.
Here he comes, right down the middle.
Here he is.
One more time for Timmy, everybody.
How's it going, everyone?
Yeah. So I came up here to tell you a couple things. One more time for Timmy, everybody. How's it going, everyone? Yeah!
So I came up here to tell you a couple things.
The first thing is I want to give you a warning.
So here in Boise, we like to do a lot of outdoor activities.
One thing you should be wary of if you go hiking is what you eat the night before.
So I went to go take a hike, real nice casual hike.
What I didn't expect is that I went five, ten minutes into the hike,
I went to let out, you know, a little something.
It was not that.
It was more than that.
It was a little surprise, and it ruined my entire day.
The other thing I wanted to tell you about was,
I don't know if you've ever been to Walmart and gotten the fried chicken there,
but I have a story that someone there just was miraculously healed by the fried chicken.
We were walking in, and this woman and her daughter came in.
They jumped on these rascal scooters, immediately went to the deli,
got fried chicken, and I saw them later in the store, and I saw the struggle.
Go ahead. Thank you.
I saw the struggle, and she looked
up and looked at the shelf, and she
reached up to the top shelf, stood up, and I
said, holy shit, it's a fucking miracle.
I need some of that chicken.
Thank you.
All right. Timmy
Coors.
Now, you ate something the night before your hike.
You said that you thought you were going to let out a little something,
and then it wasn't that.
I'm not exactly sure.
Did a gerbil come out of your ass?
I mean, it felt like it, but it was I trusted a fart and I shouldn't have.
So you shit yourself on the hike.
Absolutely.
It made me really think about how the fuck old I am.
What kind of...
Diapers, aisle 11.
Were you wearing like tighty-whities?
Or like what kind of underwear are we talking about?
Boxers?
Did it drop out?
No, it was more of like jogger pants with the boxers
and then it was a frantic panic
to try to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
Frantic panic is one of my favorite bands
I've ever seen in my entire life.
But shitty pants opened
for them the night that I saw them.
You had poop in your pants. How much longer
did you have to hike? What part of the mountain were we
at here? Luckily, it was just when we first
started, so I think I got
away lucky on that part. Oh, because you got to
do the whole hike with shit in your pants?
No.
What a break.
No, it was only like 5-10 minutes
into the actual hike so I caught it
and we could go back and I could go handle whatever I needed
oh okay cause yeah that story just
you sort of moved on to something else
right after shit was in your pants
and also it was just like
you were performing somewhere where you were told
to work clean
so you didn't want to say the word shit
my pants
so your joke was you just shit yourself that's it yeah that's really it told to work clean so you didn't want to say the word shit my pants.
So your joke was you just shit yourself.
That's it. Yeah, that's really it.
It's a true story. You thought you were going to fart and you pooped. It's happened to all of us.
Do you work construction?
I don't. What do you do for work?
I'm a corporate trainer.
Corporate trainer? What kind of
corporation? Bass Fisherman
Company?
No, I wish.
I work for a time tracking company here in the Treasure Valley.
A time tracking company.
So that's tracking what?
Packages?
No, so we do software that actually,
just like when an employee needs to clock in or something like that,
they clock into a job and tracks to make sure they're where they need to be.
Wow.
I like this guy.
Yeah, this seems like, this feels like some real corporate bullshit right here.
Oh, I hear you.
You look too cool to be involved in that kind
of thing. Thanks. You're welcome.
What do you do when you get there? How do you work in a
corporate office? What do you do? Wear a ski mask
and a suit?
No, I actually, luckily, I'm able
to wear just what I'm wearing right here. It's a pretty
casual laid-back outfit. Okay, this job's made
up.
Time tracking.
That's interesting.
What were you talking about fried chicken
and have you ever eaten it with
Josh before? I have not,
but I'm really interested in seeing what his recipe
is. Yeah, me too. I didn't really
ask him. I get the feeling he doesn't cook
it all the way through.
It's like a gummy bear in the middle.
What did you do last night?
Sat home alone eating raw
chicken.
I'll ask you the same thing
I asked him. What do you like to do for fun?
You definitely seem like you have hobbies.
I already know for a fact
you've been on one more hike than Joshua
ever has. Yeah, that's factual.
Can I guess what your hobby is?
Yeah, of course. Building birdhouses.
That's a good guess. No, it's a really
good guess. Is it? I'm actually not that handy, though.
What is it?
One of my favorite hobbies is I like doing
stand-up paddleboarding, or I like
breaking clay pigeons and doing sporting clays with my shotgun.
Wow.
Shotgun.
It's a very Idaho thing.
Yeah.
No, I can tell.
You ever shoot a potato before?
I never have.
If you do that, you become governor of Idaho.
Is that how that works?
Yeah, you have to shoot a potato with a shotgun.
Or else you don't have a chance.
Welcome to Game of Thrones, Idaho, bitch.
You got to shoot it right in the eye.
Right in that potato eye.
Target shooting with a potato sounds actually fun.
Just line up a bunch of potatoes.
Hey, don't mention target shooting.
Yeah, sorry, guys.
We might trigger them.
Sensitive subject.
You guys don't sell potatoes, do you?
Target shooting.
We used to.
Before the incident.
The target shooting?
Okay.
So what were you saying about the fried chicken?
I didn't really get it.
I was trying to pay attention.
Maybe I missed it.
I knew I was running out of time there at the end.
But that joke went over my head like a clay pigeon.
You know what I'm talking about? It's ironic that I was running out of time there at the end. But that joke went over my head like a clay pigeon. You know what I'm talking about?
It's ironic that you were running out of time at the end when that's what you do for a living.
Yeah.
That's very true.
Very true.
I thought you would have been able to keep better track of it.
So the fried chicken, what were you talking about?
So when we went to the store and we were just going to go shopping or whatever,
I saw a couple people coming from deep in the parking lot walking fine.
Then when they got in, they got on these scooters,
and I saw them scooting around throughout Walmart.
Then I miraculously saw someone just stand up off of one of those scooters,
grab something off the top shelf after they ate the fried chicken.
After they ate the fried chicken.
So they ate fried chicken from the hot department in a scooter, didn't pay for it.
And then you saw them get something off the top shelf.
Yes.
All right.
Well, I'll tell you this, Timmy, you're talking about things that are true that have happened
to you that you've seen that you've witnessed.
You just got to you got to be a little bit more clear.
You got to hit it on its
head. Don't be afraid to hit it on the
nose and then come up with something
sort of funny about it.
You know what I mean? Instead of
just saying it's about what you ate the night
before. I thought I was going to fart.
Instead I fucking pooped.
No worries. Luckily I was still at the
bottom of the mountain. I had to go
change my underwear, and then I
went back up, and I accomplished
my goal of shitting myself
twice. See, that's not
it, but you have to put something at the end. I think we
should go to the poop master himself, Brian
Redband, for advice on this. Yes, let's go to the poop
meister. Yeah, could you poop punch this
up? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Do you know chickens? A lot
of times when you eat chicken,
there's actually poop in the chicken.
I did not. At Walmart.
At Walmart specifically?
It's a Walmart thing. Chicken poop.
The people that make it there never wipe their ass,
so half the food there. They did a study
on Dateline, like 80% of the
food from Walmart had shit in it.
Hold on. Let me just find my bucket
list here. Walmart sponsorship. Gone it. Hold on. Let me just find my bucket list here. Walmart
sponsorship. Gone
forever. There it goes.
You really wanted that. I know. It's so bad
that you lost it. Who needs Walmart
when you have Target? Oh, that's right.
Hey, look at that.
It's teamwork up here. Alright,
Timmy. Well, was this your first time
doing stand-up? It was. Look at that. First time.
All three first-timers. And there we go. Timmy, I like was this your first time doing stand-up? It was. Look at that. First time. All three first-timers.
And there we go.
Timmy, I like your style, dude. You think this is
something you're going to do again? I would love to
keep pursuing it, yeah. Well, there you go. Start going to
fucking open mics. Get your shit together,
alright? Sounds good. There he goes. Timmy Kors,
everybody.
He had the
balls to sign up, telling true
stories.
Those first three guys combined, if they took each of their strengths, you'd almost have a comedian.
A hundred percent.
Or a joke.
His honesty with Pedro's performance and beats and with a little bit of Joshua's...
The sweetness of Joshua.
The sweetness.
That's right.
Joshua, you are one of the sweetest comedians
we've ever had on this show.
All right, let's see what happens next.
Put your hands together for the one,
the only, Brandon Brewer, everybody.
Brandon Brewer.
Here he comes, right down the middle
hell yeah
this is a fun episode
Boise, Idaho
you called me a comedian
I am not a comedian
I just like to make fun of my wife
so I just like to make fun of my wife. So... I came up here
to talk shit about my own self.
Oh, man, is my beard weird?
We'll talk about the cunt chin first.
It parts like a bushy vagina.
Then,
I'd like to talk about the anti-Hitler I have here.
Very fun.
To own.
It's my life, so...
There you go.
Brandon Brewer.
Wow.
Brandon, how dare you, uh...
How dare you, uh, everything?
Um, I'm gonna start this off
by checking in with good old Zane Roberts over there.
Yeah, how many strokes did you have during that set?
Keep using the mic, dude, to talk to us.
Podcast. No, you don't have to pull it out. You can just..., to talk to us. Podcast.
No, you don't have to pull it out.
You can just talk into it.
Hello.
Hell yeah.
What do you want?
Not enough.
Really?
Wow.
You need more of whatever it is?
I take it back what I said about Salt Lake City.
All right.
It's, uh...
I like this guy. Wow, two walkouts.
Oh, there they go.
Wow, people just leaving, asking
for their money back. Brandon, you
are the first real-life baked potato
that's ever performed on this show.
It's very exciting.
You are
like if
you are like if Action Bronson
drowned in a kiddie pool.
You are
you really have a wife?
Step up to the microphone.
Yes.
Why don't you just sort of like. Step up to the microphone. Use the mic, yeah. Yes. You don't need to,
why don't you just sort of like casually stay closer to the microphone.
Have you ever seen a stage
or a microphone before?
You got this.
I believe in you.
Let me ask you something.
I watch your show all the time.
I love it.
How long have you been with your wife?
Four years.
Four years.
Let me ask you something.
You ever titty fuck your wife?
Hell yeah.
Has she ever titty fucked you?
That was one of my jokes.
I bet.
You should have done that one.
You should have done that joke Tony just wrote for you.
Yeah.
That joke wasn't the only thing you left hanging.
Talking about your giant tits again.
Those hangers.
You were great in Fight Club, by the way.
As the guy with tits.
As Meatloaf.
You're also great as Meatloaf the food.
Right on target.
Right on target.
Brandon, you said that you watch this show a lot, huh?
Yes, sir. So you excited about this? this show a lot, huh? Yes, sir.
So you excited about this?
You excited to be up here?
Oh, super.
What do you do for work?
I work in a warehouse.
You work in a warehouse?
I am far too drunk to be up here.
Really?
Oh, see, I knew something was up.
Jesus, be careful on your way down the stairs.
Yeah, don't fall.
Anyway, and, you know, I don't even believe you.
I just think you're not doing that well
and you're making excuses.
So what do you do at the warehouse?
I just move parts around.
Yeah, I get the feeling that's...
That's how it's done, son.
Move some parts around.
Yeah.
You ever drive a forklift?
Yes, sir.
Oh, shit, drunk?
You like lifting forks, don't you?
What is that noise?
The groans from the audience.
That's the line here at Boise.
Lifting forks.
Watch it.
We all have obese aunts and uncles here.
All right.
So tell us, married life, what does your wife do?
She works title loans.
She works what?
Title loans.
Title lend. Title loans. Title loans. Title loans.
Title loans.
Title loans.
Title loans.
Okay.
It's a fancy way of saying an escrow, right?
Title loans.
Not really.
All right.
You said you were going to make fun of her,
and then you didn't say any jokes about her.
Yeah.
Why do you don't like your wife?
Not that I want to hear them, but...
Can we...
Why lead us down that road and then make a sharp turn?
You took a big left turn.
You go, I'm not a comedian.
I'm just here to talk about my wife.
And then you're like, but a little bit more about me.
You remember that?
You remember what happened?
No.
Five minutes ago?
Let's go with Zane Roberts
over here. First question. Is your
wife in attendance tonight?
Is she here?
Perfect. What I think that we should
have him do, it's only fair because he alluded
to it so much. We should bring his wife
up and he should have to make fun of her while she's on
stage.
You guys want
that to happen?
This innocent wife? Alright,
here she comes. I didn't even have to...
Wow. Damn.
Look at this.
Damn. She's pretty
fucking cute.
How did you get that?
How did that happen?
Good Lord.
What the fuck?
What are you doing with this guy?
Yeah, you don't need the mic anymore.
Give it to her.
She met him when he was in The Insane Clown Posse.
Let's talk to her.
Yeah, no, you're great.
I loved you in 500 Days of Summer.
The end of 500 Days of Summer. The end of 500 Days of Summer.
What is that movie?
When you look it up, you'll love it.
If you follow the trajectory of the movies
that Tony's been watching on this podcast,
Pitch Perfect 2, 500 Days of Summer.
Pitch Perfect 2 was three months ago already.
Two months ago.
I'm just saying, let's keep a mental track of this.
It's whatever HBO 2 plays in hotel rooms.
That's my movie selection.
So hello, what's your name, sweetheart?
I'm Tessa.
Tessa?
Yeah.
Aw, isn't that adorable?
Were you worried he was going to actually make fun of you?
Yeah, I told him not to.
Oh, so that's why he probably didn't do it, ultimately.
Let me ask you a question, Tessa.
If he was going to make fun of you, what do you think he would make fun of you about?
What do you think his primary focus would be?
Is there ever anything he busts your balls about around the house?
Like what?
I'm controlling.
A little bit closer to the mic.
You're a nerd who reads.
I don't read.
You don't?
No, no.
Oh, then she'd lose the glasses.
He likes them. Keep telling us things that he makes fun of you about.
You're controlling.
That's all we got out of you.
You said everything.
I talk too much.
I'm too needy.
Wow.
Well, what are some complaints you have about this fucking loaf of bread that you married?
His eyes look like vaginas.
Look at this fucking guy.
He looks like a founding father up top
and the bottom half looks like
a where's my father?
Never found his father. Yes.
Fucking Thomas
Alfonso. You're needy
and he's meaty.
Yeah.
They both have...
You can't hit the target every time.
Tessa, can you tell us something weird
about Brandon's penis that only you would know?
Is it like him?
Is it just one giant ball?
It's a grower, not a shower.
Whoa.
Oh, wow.
Hell yeah.
Who wants to see this growing dick right now?
It's not allowed.
What?
It's not allowed.
Zane, Zane.
Oh, sorry.
Please don't wrap me up.
Please don't wrap me up.
This is the third time this has happened.
Zane, I don't know how it works at Target.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I want to keep the team leader position here. I apologize.
My goodness.
Can I just say I got a message sent to me specifically
that there's no nudity allowed here.
Oh, really?
Yes.
They sent it to you?
Yes.
Specifically?
Yes.
Have you ever been nude on this show?
Not fully.
Right.
All right, well, perfect.
Then we have nothing to worry about.
Okay, back to you, Tony. Thank you. All right. Well, perfect. Then we have nothing to worry about. Okay. Back to you, Tony.
Thank you.
Hell yeah.
So what was I going to say?
Oh, you said shower.
He's a grower, not a shower.
Right.
Is she a grower, not a shower as well?
He doesn't understand the question, and nor do yeah who are you talking to zane i usually
have to translate for him so so basically uh a uh a grower not a shower for ladies is like uh it
looks all like deformed and stuff like that down there but then like blood starts to flow and then it's like, hello, ready?
Is that something?
An extended labia?
No.
Now we're just saying random words that have nothing to do with what we're talking about.
Let's do a little reset here.
What do you do, Tessa?
I'm a manager for a title loan company.
Oh, that's right.
Fucking title loans. How could I possibly forget?
What is your favorite thing about Brandon?
Oh.
Wow, that was a heavy sigh.
This is the most romantic date I've ever seen.
I get to take care of him.
Well, that's what you do to the mentally retarded.
I'm sorry.
Please don't write me up.
Please don't write me up.
I apologize.
Wow.
So he says you're controlling, but basically you're his nurse.
Yeah, I'm like his mom, but better.
Yeah, but better?
Better.
Yeah, because his mom isn't going to.
His mom doesn't know how to drop it like me.
My God.
You guys get along with each other's parents?
Whoa, man.
This is like a real life episode of Roseanne going on up here right now.
If it was a little bit more white trashy than the original Roseanne.
True that.
True that. What's the white trashy than the original Roseanne. True that.
True that.
What's the white trashiest thing about you guys?
What do you guys have, like champagne bottles of Mountain Dew? Capri's and cargo shorts.
Okay, just go whenever you want, Zane.
Very good.
Just talk whenever.
I don't know.
We shoot guns all the time.
Is that it?
I don't know what you consider white trash, I guess.
That's pretty good.
I don't watch you. I don't know who you are. Jesus, I guess. That's pretty good. I don't watch you.
I don't know who you are.
Jesus, I don't watch you either, lady.
My God.
That's the most white trash thing I've ever heard.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Way to turn on me.
Take it easy, lady.
My God.
I don't know who you are.
Right.
I don't know who the fuck you are either.
By the way, that's the meanest thing you can say to Tony Hinchcliffe.
I don't know who you are.
I've never heard of you.
He would rather be killed than be treated with indifference.
Yes, because I think that I...
The name of the show is Kill Him.
Super famous.
You know me.
I'm sorry.
He really likes you, but I just don't even know.
Right.
I completely agree. Well, Tony you, but I just don't even know. Right. I completely agree.
Well, Tony's a preeminent magician.
Yes.
As his facial hair will tell you.
Yes, exactly.
You got shot on the lip right in the middle,
so no hair grows there anymore.
You guys match.
Very good. Yes, absolutely.
That's a more common thing than...
You're Ty Hewlett, bro.
Okie dokie.
He tried it again.
I'm going to clean up this stage a little bit.
I thank you guys for coming up.
Congratulations for getting pulled.
You're welcome.
You did it. There you go.
Thank you so much.
There goes Brandon and Tessa.
All right.
Here we go.
This is interesting.
Look at that.
Look at them helping each other.
I'm glad you guys didn't go down the stairway at the exact same time, by the way.
All right.
There they go.
How about one more time for that happy couple there?
This is so interesting.
Come on.
They had to pay for four seats here tonight. One more time for them. Come on. They had to pay for four seats here tonight.
One more time for them.
Come on.
I don't know who you are.
I don't listen to you.
Why he make a fun of me?
She loans out titles and she couldn't even call you famous.
There you go.
Very good. I wonder, is her name in the bucket?
Did you submit?
No. I'm, is her name in the bucket? Did you submit? No?
I'm excited about this one.
There's something in my gut telling me this is going to be good.
Put your hands together for Stephanie Ann Mason, everybody.
Here we go.
I like to start off every show of mine with a toast.
So raise your glasses with me if you will.
True greatness comes from truly great struggle.
So here's to getting through true struggles and reaching out for greatness.
Cheers!
I've known a lot of fucking struggles.
My greatest strength is my greatest struggle.
I have the gift of gab or shut the fuck up.
Yeah.
And I snort, which is like the greatest cock block ever.
I once snorted in the middle of a blow job.
I had to ask how it felt.
He said, like, you snorted on my dick.
No, there's actually a term for excessive talkativeness.
It's called loggeria.
And you can remember like gonorrhea
because they both come from my mouth.
Just kidding, thank you.
I'll be here all week.
I'm just kidding, I'm a server. Oh my gosh. I'll be here all week.
I'm just kidding.
I'm a server.
Oh my gosh.
Anyways.
Oh, yeah.
So I used to be a prostitute shooting up meth.
Yeah, what?
There you go.
Stephanie Ann Mason, everybody.
Hello, Tony. Hello, Tony.
Hi, Stephanie.
How are you?
I've known you for a while.
I've known Tony since he started.
Yeah. And I'm saying cheers to you.
You were in L.A., indeed, at the Comedy Store back in 2007, 2008, 2009, around then.
Yeah.
And now you live here.
I'm back in Boise, yeah.
This is where you're originally from.
Yeah, this is where I started.
How long have you been back here?
About seven years.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
13.
13 years.
How about that?
Stephanie and Mason, you hit what could be considered the first joke tonight by a comedian.
You're the fifth pull out of the bucket, first joke of the night.
50 minutes in.
Not bad.
pull out of the bucket. First joke of the night.
50 minutes in. Not bad.
Great joke.
She also did the drink take where she took the sip right after the punchline.
It was very professional.
It was incredible.
I'm very happy to be here.
Thank you.
Thank you indeed.
Stephanie, what have you been doing in Boise?
How long were you in LA for?
I was in LA for long enough to do cocaine
and get back home.
What?
Wait, did you just do a little right then?
I got right. I pretty much
I just, I got sloppy with
cocaine and I had to come back home
for a little while. But yeah,
I mean, I was doing the belly room, if you remember.
I was doing pretty alright there in LA.
I just, he got the
house sitting gig and I got sent back just, he got the house sitting gig, and I got sent back home.
Who got the house sitting gig?
The 46-year-old helicopter pilot I was dating.
Oh.
Is this voluntary?
Because I am so turned on right now.
I apologize.
I apologize.
But, no, yeah.
And then I started when the Funny bone was here back a long time ago
and then uh yeah i did you know i worked with doug stanhope wait anyways yeah all right a long
trial a long adventure but yeah what do you do for work here in boise i'm a server yeah where
are you serving at i work at terry's cafe whoa a lot of terry's cafe fans here very good uh
dedicated clap from the audience.
What's one of the specialties over at Terry's Cafe?
By the way you breathe, I'm guessing it's the bacon.
Snort?
I should have said snort, not breathe.
I was like, dude, I need to do more cardio.
No, if I was going to make fun of a woman
for being fat it would have been the guy's wife
who was up here a few minutes ago
what
you don't even see me
you don't even hear me
you don't know what the fuck I am
you don't even know you didn't even fucking hear that
What you don't know can't hurt you
You know what Tony
I hate to hop on the roast bandwagon
But she reminded me
Oh shit
Oh
We're just kidding Tessa
We make fun of everybody
How about another hand for Tessa
She's beautiful
You're beautiful Tessa
You're fucking beautiful
500 days of summer has Ellen Page in it That's a beautiful beautiful woman How about another hand for Tessa? She's beautiful. You're beautiful, Tessa. You're fucking beautiful. Beautiful.
500 Days of Summer has Ellen Page in it.
That's a beautiful, beautiful woman.
And I loved 500 Days of Summer.
There you go.
I bet you do.
You look like you stayed out in the sun for all 500 days.
So tell us more about you, Stephanie.
You're recovering what?
Heroin?
You were a prostitute?
For real?
Yeah, so I came back from L.A.? You were a prostitute for real? Yeah, so I came back from LA
and I became a prostitute shooting up
meth. Wow! How much did you
charge? Like 40 for like
blowjobs? You don't charge
for meth. What a dumb... Let's go over
the menu here.
So $40 handjob.
Depending on how strung out I was.
Let's get an answer out of you. So what are the
prices on your menu here?
So when I started...
From when it started to when it ended.
And let's let her answer, guys. I see the wheels
turning over there.
Well, I started because
it felt like cab money was getting paid
for it already. I was like, you're giving me $40.
Like, I could just pocket that and walk
the fuck home. So I
started doing that.
What?
Wait, what would you get the $40 for?
For cab money, home.
Cab money.
So, right.
So you were going to leave with the $40,
but then you're like, I should probably charge for sex.
So what was, how much was that?
So like when I started, it was like $500 or something-ish.
$500?
But when I left, it was like 50.
And then when you left, it was like coupons for milk or something like that.
Luckily, hopefully some meth.
That was pretty much it.
Right, that was it.
Worst thing you ever did for drug money.
What was your, like, requiem for a dream moment here? Well, okay, if you want to hear it. Worst thing you ever did for drug money. What was your requiem for a dream moment here?
Okay, if you want to hear it.
Five years ago, this July
4th, Independence Day,
will be five years from when I
shot up the last time, and it was
with my mom in
my dead grandfather's trailer.
Wow.
You shot up heroin.
You shot up meth
With a needle
With your mother
In your dead grandfather's trailer
With him sitting right there
Happy July 4th
Zane Roberts
Can I just say this is the most beautiful
White trash fairy tale I've ever heard.
So did you and your mom use the
same needle that day?
Nah.
She was like, oh, I only snored
it until I go in the other room. So I don't
know.
Yes, Zane.
Yeah, curious about your menu. Do you have any weekly
specials or daily lunch specials
or anything like that? Take me back to LA. It's free. I'm just kidding. Do you have any weekly specials or daily lunch specials or anything like that?
Take me back to L.A.
It's free.
I'm just kidding.
Are you talking about the cafe again?
All right.
Wow.
Looks like we have a new member on the team at Target.
How about, so that's during, by the way, July 4th will be five years of sobriety for you.
How about a hand for that?
That's so cool.
Wow.
By the way, July 4th will be five years of sobriety for you.
How about a hand for that?
That's so cool.
When you hear fireworks, do you ever jones for another hit of that sweet, sweet fucking... I was horrible.
You can only imagine how much I talk now, like high on meth.
I'd be like, I just need to focus.
Is the snorting something you had your whole life, or is that something like a dick knocks something loose in there?
I wish that shit was faked.
I love when people are like,
you snort on purpose.
I'm like, who does that?
No, like when you were younger, you did also.
It snorted, yeah.
Really?
A lot younger?
I feel like that's from years and years of cocaine abuse.
I feel like I didn't do it in LA.
It's true.
I don't think it really happened as much as if it twitched.
Yeah.
Right.
It's more like a nervous twitch.
Do you worry you might snort
some of the glitter off of your face
into your nose?
I went big. I was like, I'm coming to kill fucking
Tony. I'm so happy to be up here, guys.
Seriously. I love that. Of course.
I'm watching that show all the time.
We talked about your lowest low
when you were doing drugs.
What was the worst thing that ever happened to you when you
were prostituting? I find it so compelling.
We've never, in our almost six years of doing this show, we've never really gotten to talk to anyone that has been in the business.
And it's so cool.
I think you should be so proud of yourself for being out of it for this long.
But is there something that, is there like a low, low in that that you remember?
Something like that?
Anybody ever want you to?
Well, actually, I had to quit because I kept getting left in really bad places.
Towards the end, I was just over everything.
I was just like, I don't care how many drugs or money.
I was like, why don't you respect me?
And you can't do that.
So I was just like, leave me where I am.
You kept getting left places?
Well, yeah.
So I was left in Nampa at a dog park, which is one of the worst places.
I mean, half of that sounds lovely.
I don't know from Nampa, but a dog park.
I mean, hey, after we're done, can you drop me at a dog park?
Sounds like a nice thing.
Yeah, man, I dropped her off at the dog park.
Would have dropped her off at the pig park.
She wouldn't stop snorting the crazy bitch.
Get out there where you belong with those
dogs.
Alright. A dog park.
Man, that is frightening. I never would have
guessed that. So what did you do?
Did you run around? Play? Did you fetch?
Bring it back. Bring it back. Bring it back.
Good girl. I got a bone.
I bet you did. Hello.
Hello.
Yeah, luckily I wasn't bone. I bet you did. Hello. Hello. Bye. No, yeah.
But, yeah, luckily I wasn't arrested, and I learned to stop getting left in Nampa.
But, yeah, and that was, like, the breaking point.
I was like, bitch, you're smarter than this.
All right, hopefully.
Wow.
Yeah.
Damn.
I love you guys.
But anyways, yeah, so, and, yeah, life's good.
Been sober since and, like, moving towards and, like, working in comedy.
And now I have, I feel like I now have something to say versus before when I think you would know before.
I'd be like, I'm from Idaho.
Dip it in ranch.
Right.
But yeah, now I actually have something to say, which is what I hope to do.
Stephanie, you are charismatic.
You are adorable.
You are a bright, shining star.
I mean, it's just so cool and it's amazing to hear your honest, incredible, compelling story.
Take note, Joshua, so
that one day when you're talking in a few
years about being a recovering heroin addict,
you could talk about it with confidence
and swagger.
And so far, I mean, you're my
favorite so far. There she goes. Stephanie
Ann Mason, everybody.
How about that? Good to see
you again. Congratulations.
Stephanie Anne Mason.
She just
gave me her number.
Yeah.
Her sleep number?
Just kidding. She doesn't have a mattress,
guys.
I love it.
Oh!
Dog bark.
Oh!
Okay.
All right.
Pulled another name out of the bucket.
One word name.
Put your hands together for Pinky.
Pinky.
Oh, here comes Pinky from right down the middle.
Come on, Boise.
Let's make some fucking noise in here.
So I don't, like, have jokes.
It's more like unfortunate life stories.
So, like, I've grown up in Idaho.
I've got five brothers. We're not like Mormon or anything
but my parents don't know what condoms are. So my mom homeschooled us so that was fun and being
homeschooled is like really cool because you can like sleep in later. The only problem was
you didn't really get like an education.
in later. The only problem was you didn't really get like an education. Another downside is I wasn't like really good with girls. I did get a girlfriend when I was about 15 though. Her name
was Hannah. Hannah was cool. I don't think she liked me very much. She would like run out of the room whenever I came into the room. So that was cool.
Shoot.
I rehearsed like 50 times.
The punchline is, Hannah's a cat.
I dated a cat.
You dated a cat?
Yeah, basically.
You dated a cat?
Yeah.
Why did you date a cat?
You know, I was homeschooled, so... I thought you were...
Not a lot of girls.
You like girls?
I do.
Is that what...
You just said, I like girls?
No, not a lot of girls.
Oh, not a lot of...
So the options were limited.
Okay, let's check in with Zane Roberts.
I thought you were going to say you got a girlfriend
when you were 15 years old.
Her name was Mother.
Because he's homeschooled.
No, she rejected me, actually.
All right, let's talk about it.
That's funny.
You tried to hook up
with your mom before?
You tried to go back inside of her?
Well, I didn't go...
I didn't go that far quite yet. I was gonna
work up to it, like, hold her hand,
hopefully, and see where we go
from there. Uh-huh.
So, you have five
brothers, all older than you? Is that what you said?
No. You're in the middle? I am
the second oldest. Second oldest.
And, uh,
what'd you say about Hannah, that you were 15?
I was.
Well, I exaggerated.
How old are you now?
I'm 19.
19 years old.
Holy shit.
Is that your first time doing stand-up?
Yeah.
Wow.
Congratulations, Pinky.
19 is a good age to start.
You have a good look, too.
You have a silly-looking face.
You sort of look like a... A young Quentin Tarantino. Yeah. I've got that a too. You have a silly looking face. You sort of look like a young
Clinton Tarantino.
You look good. You look goofy.
Oh, stop it.
What's that thing you're doing with your hand?
Are you sure you like girls, dude?
Exit states left even.
I'm trying new things out.
It's okay. Is girls your thing?
Are you a little bit more
experimental?
You in the closet?
Is it okay to come out here in Boise?
Will you survive?
I heard that there's a battalion of biker bars around here that might not like to find out there's a 19-year-old you-know-what walking around here.
I saw a guy do one of those things the other day.
And he wasn't shooting a jump shot.
What Tony's trying to ask, were you homeschooled or were you homoschooled?
Well, I was homeschooled, and I kind of lean more towards girls,
but, you know, I'd be willing to experiment.
Oh, you're gay as fuck.
Okay.
No, I get it.
Heck yeah.
This guy has a rusted potato in his ass right now,
just talking to us like it's nothing.
You know what girls really want?
Is to be leaned towards.
They want to be in the game.
They want to have a shot.
I have a question for him,
and this is totally hypothetical,
but what would you do with a target team leader if you had one night with him? I have a question for him. This is totally hypothetical, but
what would you do with a target team
leader if you had one night with him?
Probably talk about my feelings.
And then stock
his shelves.
My guess is he would
shoot his load right on your
bullseye.
It's a Target joke.
So, Pinky, you're 19 years old.
Do any of your brothers or any of your family know that you might be a little bit gay?
They probably assume.
Yeah.
Are your other brothers a little bit, like, tougher?
Like, a little bit more like, hey, why aren't you playing sports, dude?
No, they're actually worse.
They're a little bit more feminine?
Yeah.
My next youngest brother has a man bun,
and he wears a tie-dye T-shirt around the house with unicorn ice cream leggings.
Oh, he's just stoned, dude.
He just found pop before the rest of you guys did.
That's probably true.
I used to be that guy myself.
Not really the unicorn leggings,
and not really the man bun either.
And I never owned a tie-dye t-shirt.
I'm just lying right now.
But I started smoking pot at a young age.
You ever smoke pot?
No, actually.
No, you haven't.
Oh, I could help you out.
He's 19 still.
Hook me up.
You ever smoke pool?
I'll try
Wow
My goodness
May I ask, what's with Pinky?
Why are you called Pinky?
Is that what you like to stick in your butt?
I like to go middle finger for that actually
Whoa Yeah, fuck your butt Yeah I like to go middle finger for that, actually. Whoa!
Yeah, fuck your butt.
Yeah, fuck you, butthole.
Fuck you.
But Pinky,
I didn't really have imaginary friends
when I was a kid.
I was that low.
I had imaginary enemies,
and Pinky was my imaginary enemy.
So what would you say to your imaginary enemy?
What would be something that
like an everyday conversation
that you would have?
I didn't really talk to him. I mostly tried to avoid him.
Yeah, that's how I feel about anyone
named Pinky.
Yeah.
It's interesting because you look more like the brain.
Ah.
Narf. Okay. It's interesting because you look more like the brain.
Narf.
Okay.
Well, that's interesting.
What do you do?
You study?
You going to school or working?
I'm just starting a job at a moving company.
I don't go to school right now.
I graduated last year.
A moving company. Now, when you guys are moving stuff, like, say, like, up the, you know, like, you're going up the stairs,
are you in the front or the back?
Are you, like, a top or a bottom?
I like to think I'm, like, a power bottom.
Hey, there you go.
Fuck yeah.
Back that ass up.
My goodness, Pinky, I'm excited for you, dude.
You're 19 years old, and you're fucking trying things.
You're out and about fucking talking about real shit, your actual feelings.
Anything else for Pinky, guys?
You think you could get him a job at Target or something like that?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh.
Zane, it seems like you might like this guy a little bit, huh?
Off the record, yes.
Funny story.
Will you kiss Jeremiah?
Will you and Jeremiah kiss?
I mean, what's his name?
What were you just about to say?
Sorry. I had an orientation
at Target, so I almost worked there.
Sexual orientation?
Maybe. Maybe.
But then I didn't work there
and I worked in a homeless shelter instead.
You worked at a what shelter?
A homeless shelter.
Oh, so you worked at Walmart.
Very funny.
All right, Pinky.
Well, you had your first time up here.
You're 19 years old.
You have a huge jump start on everybody else,
and keep talking about real shit. Talk about shit
that you want to talk about, that you love. Go to open
mics. Keep doing it.
Another hand for Pinky, everybody. There he goes.
I'm not actually
gay.
Love you, Mom.
This guy's...
I would have thought if Pinky was going to plug something
up here, it would have been his butt.
Oh, one more quick tip, Pinky.
Don't open your set with I don't have any jokes.
Yeah.
That's probably, yeah.
Yeah.
But otherwise, you're on your way.
Yeah, have a little bit of goddamn swagger at the top end.
There you go.
One more time for Pinky, everybody.
The sweet guy.
He might be, I'm going to go off on more time for Pinky, everybody. The sweet guy. He might be...
I'm going to go off on a limb here and say,
you know, earlier I said Joshua Dickey
was the sweetest comedian so far.
I might give Pinky the sweetest comedian so far award.
Quite a little gentleman.
Pulled another name out.
Put your hands together for Nick Daniels.
Nick Daniels.
You got a big pop from the audience.
I'm excited about this.
One more time for Nick Daniels.
Hey! Hey!
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
That's my impression of my uncle telling me where to buy a dildo.
I really hope I didn't offend anyone with that joke.
I'm not really a fighter.
You know, I've only ever been in one fight.
This kid, he pushed me over, I got up, punched him in the head, and that was it.
I won, which was honestly surprising even to me,
because he was this big, fat fifth grader,
and I was just a normal, regular-sized drunk guy.
It wasn't even really a fight, you know?
Neither was the one later that night when his dad beat the fuck out of me.
Something good came out of it, though.
I quit drinking
on jungle gyms
during school hours
because my weekends are mine.
You know what I mean?
Hell yeah.
Nick Daniels. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the show, dude. That was great. Thank you. Hell yeah. Nick Daniels.
Fuck yeah.
Welcome to the show, dude.
That was great.
Thank you.
Hell yeah.
We better hurry this up before you complete turning into a werewolf.
I guess I just really didn't understand the first joke.
Adam and Eve.
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
That's my uncle telling me where to buy a dildo
Adam and Eve is the sex shop
oh
so buy it there don't buy it at Adam
and Steve their dildos are terrible
right because if you were gonna use
a dildo it would be for your butt
yeah that's me
or it would
either be for your butt or for
uh pinkies have you ever seen That's me. It would either be for your butt or for Pinky's.
Have you ever seen Pinky before?
Have you ever seen him at Adam and Steve?
I haven't, no.
Anyway, why would your uncle help you buy a dildo, though?
I'm a little confused.
He's a nice guy.
Yeah?
He's helpful.
I like that.
How long have you been doing stand-up?
About a year.
About a year.
All here in Boise? Yep. Right. And what have you been doing stand-up? About a year. About a year. All here in Boise?
Yep.
Right.
And what do you do for work?
I'm a locksmith.
A locksmith.
Yep.
A real-life locksmith.
That's true.
Man, you help people in crazy situations.
That's interesting.
What are some of the crazier things that you've seen or anything like that?
Anybody ever lock all their kids in a trailer accidentally
or something like that?
No trailers yet.
You ever walk in on a mom and daughter doing meth together
on the 4th of July?
No, unfortunately not.
How long have you been a locksmith for?
About six months.
Oh, okay.
Have you seen anything crazy yet?
One time this guy hired us to get into his house for him,
and we unlocked his garage door,
and his wife was on the phone with the police
thinking that someone was breaking in.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, it wasn't great.
She was all sad and stuff.
So you didn't try the doorbell first or something like that?
Well, he didn't tell us that there was anyone in there.
Did he know there was someone in there?
Yeah.
She didn't like him.
Oh.
Yeah.
Did she have a restraining order or something like that?
No, he lived there.
She just, I guess they had a fight and she locked him out.
Police ended up showing up and they dealt with it.
I just like had them pay me in the head.
Hell yeah, you're damn right.
How much does it cost to let someone into a house?
50 bucks.
50 bucks.
Fuck yeah, that's all it takes to fucking sort of win that argument.
Yeah, pretty much.
How much would it be if maybe you got really wasted one night,
did some poppers with a guy named Pinky,
and locked yourself out of a Target?
How much would it be to get inside of a target?
A target?
That depends on the kind of lock it is, man.
Are locks getting harder to pick nowadays?
Honestly, no.
They're getting easier?
Yeah, a lot of them are really easy.
The only ones that I have trouble with
are the electronic ones,
and that's just because if they fail,
I mean, you've got to kind of just break them.
Break it in.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow.
You ever use your locksmith abilities
for anything a little bit shady?
You ever break into an ex-girlfriend's...
Chastity belt?
Hey, now.
Look at that.
No, honestly, I learned how to pick locks
because I wanted to be a magician when I was a kid.
You did?
Yeah.
Do you know any tricks?
Yeah, I know some tricks.
Can you do a trick right now for us?
You guys want to see a fucking magic trick?
I know I do.
Here's a little bit of magic from the amazing Nick Daniels.
I'm really excited to see this.
I fucking love magic.
Oh, it's a cigarette magic trick. Uh-oh, cigarette.
Oh.
What's going to happen to it?
It's back.
It doesn't work when I'm behind you.
Yeah, I know. You guys are totally
in on it. That was just
for the three of us. Everyone else saw
what happened.
You really have that trick on lock.
My goodness gracious.
You have a girlfriend, Nick?
I do, yeah.
You're a good-looking guy.
How long have you been with this girl?
A month.
Wow.
Where'd you meet her at?
Comedy, actually.
Comedy club.
Oh, is she a comedian too?
She is, yeah.
Oh, interesting.
How long has she been doing it?
About a month.
About a month. About a month.
Oh, yeah. I was hosting the show that she first did her first set on. Oh, cool. And then that night,
you're like, you were pretty funny. What do you say? Pretty much, yeah. I have the keys to your
heart. Let's do this. Yeah. What'd you guys do the first night you hung out? Do you remember?
Yes.
Yeah.
What did you guys do the first night you hung out?
Do you remember?
The first night we hung out, we went and got some drinks.
Yeah.
And went and watched Dave Attell at her house.
Wow.
Hell yeah.
Little insomniacs over there, huh?
Staying up all night.
Yeah.
And then you went to work on her chastity belt.
Did you guys hook up that first night?
We did, yes. Yeah.
You probably only made it, what, 20 minutes through David Tell
until you started throwing fingers up in that?
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah, that's about how long it takes.
She's recording your set, and then she just dropped the camera.
I love it.
It's great.
Is she in the bucket?
Yeah, she is. She's in the bucket. She is it. It's great. Is she in the bucket?
She's in the bucket.
That's so cool.
Is there any secrets of locksmith?
Like a vending machine,
you can push it twice and open it up.
Is there any special tricks that we would be shocked to know about that allows
easy access for anything?
There's a type of lock that pretty much
every new house has on it.
It's a smart lock, and you can
just open it up with a pair of pliers
and a flathead screwdriver.
Oh my god. I shouldn't have said that.
Wow.
I'm robbing all of you
tonight. Crime skyrockets
in Boise, Idaho after a
Kill Tony visit. That's right.
Crime has skyrocketed 1,000% because there was one crime in Boise here today.
Police are searching for a male between 5'6 and 6'3, white.
Good luck.
Hey.
There is only white people here.
Yeah, it's true.
Wow, people are going crazy about that.
We have some proud racists in the audience
wooing at the fact that it's all white people.
Jesus, all right.
I love it.
So anything else crazy about you, Nick,
that we'd be surprised to know?
Any fun facts about you?
Fun facts?
I don't know.
I play Magic the Gathering. I beatbox. You beatbox? Can you please, please, Nick, that we'd be surprised to know? Any fun facts about you? Fun facts? I don't know. I play Magic the Gathering.
I beatbox.
You beatbox? Can you please, please, please,
for the love of God, give us an example of the beatboxing that you're able to do.
Okay.
Doug actually mentioned a good idea.
I don't want to throw too much pressure on you, Zane.
I know you're just a supervisor over at Target,
but Doug had an idea.
He wanted to hear if maybe you could rap over some of...
Do you have any Target raps or anything like that? I guess I could rap about Target. Yeah, probably, right? Would you guys like to hear if maybe you could rap over some of... Do you have any Target raps or anything like that? I guess I could rap
about Target. Yeah, probably,
right? Would you guys like to hear that?
Alright. Why don't you
give them a... You know, Nick,
why don't you give them a little beat? Let's hear
some Target raps.
I'm pretty excited about this.
Alright, let's fucking do it. How about
a hand for Zane Roberts and Nick Daniels,
everybody?
This could be a whole new thing here.
Fucking target raps.
Hello, hello, hello.
I like Target, stocking shelves.
I'm like Santa with a lot of elves.
Helping people every day, greeting them around.
I say what's up and they're like, I'm like down to suck your dick in the parking lot let's go there
and I'll beat box low
pinkies come in too
it's threesome with three
white dudes let's go
you motherfucker
I knew you had it in you Zane
I knew you would
summon the fucking devil of course he could do it how about one in you, Zane. I knew you would summon the fucking devil.
Of course he could do it.
How about one more time for Zane Roberts?
How about another hand for Nick Daniels?
Let's get back to this bucket.
Back to the bucket we go.
This is a fun episode.
I like this.
What happened, Thomas Alfonso?
Did you have a little bit too much pepperoni pizza before the show?
Maybe a little.
Shout out to, I believe it's Gino's Pizza here in Boise.
Is that a place?
Guido's?
It is?
Guido's.
Yeah, Guido's Pizza.
Very good.
Very good.
Better pizza than we had last night in Salt Lake City.
Yeah.
We're doing a six-day pepperoni pizza binge.
We're testing out each city, and so far,
Boise is in the lead.
All right.
There's a little something to be... Since you can't be proud
of your comedians, you can be proud of your pizza.
Put your hands together for your
next comedian, Trevor Secreto.
Trevor Secreto.
Here we go.
Hey, one more time for Trevor Secreto.
I was traumatized as a child.
When I was about two years old,
I saw this TV show called Tales from the Crypt.
Yeah, a few people know it.
There's this creepy puppet on that show
that's got rotting skin,
and when I saw it,
a lightning bolt shot up my spine,
and my goose pimples turned into real huge pimples.
And I was so scared.
And my mom, being the good person that she is, tried to help this little kid out.
Like, don't be scared, little guy.
It's just a fake puppet.
You don't have to be scared of it.
it's just a fake puppet you don't have to be scared of it
and that's like
mom the grenade already went off
and this soldier isn't coming home
that was quick
one more time for Trevor Secreto
did you have anything else?
did you want to finish it or something?
I got a little kid
I got a little boy
and I just
from that experience learned
how to raise
myself and how to raise this
little kid with the horrors of the internet today.
Through going through
that fear. Thank you.
Okay. How about now?
Is there something else? Do you want to do it again?
No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.
That was as good as it's going to get.
I guess it is. I believe you.
It's just about time
somebody's doing some
Crypt Keeper comedy.
Heck yeah.
Take that fucking guy down.
What's goose pimples
turn into real pimples mean?
I had a different line,
but that was just what I improvised
in the fear of the
moment. You know, I've been trying to conquer that
fear since I saw that weird
puppet, and that's what I came
up with in front of all these people.
Trevor, a lot of people would tell you that they hated your
set tonight.
I wouldn't. I think it was amazing.
I've always wondered what it would be like if
Jeffrey Dahmer and Timothy McVeigh
had a baby
that became a nurse and I've always wondered what it would be like if Jeffrey Dahmer and Timothy McVeigh had a baby
That became a nurse and
A nurse that injected poison slowly into his patients
Without them knowing now. I'm just kidding. You're a good-looking guy You you look like someone mushed together all the cast members of Big Bang Theory
If you're wondering what I was trying to think of that whole time,
that's what it was.
I saw you noticing.
Anyway.
I have social, or what's that word?
Social anxiety?
Asperger's.
Yeah, all that.
Plus.
Hey, don't knock Asperger's until you've eaten them.
Yeah, they make people stand up out of rascal scooters.
So, Trevor, how old are you?
25.
25.
First ever time doing stand-up?
Yes, sir.
Hey, how about a hand for that?
There you go, Trevor.
It's good.
That's better than...
Whatever you did up here was better than 90% of people that start.
I tried.
Hell yeah.
I tried it differently.
Is this something you've always wanted to do?
You love comedy?
Yes, sir.
You seem more of like a drama guy.
I always envied the drama kids, but I was in welding class trying to be a tough guy.
You were in what?
Welding class. Welding.
Yeah.
This is literally the beginning of a dramatic film.
You'd think you'd do well in drama because you already have a huge part
that's so good
or you think as a welder you would have
held it together better tonight
sorry
you do
have a huge...
Doug covered something really, really interesting there.
You have one of the most aggressive parts
we've ever had on this show, hairstyle-wise.
Have you ever thought about taking it one inch further
and just combing your left ear
over to your right side of your head?
Yeah, I'm a little bit extreme with it.
You look like what?
I'm extreme with it.
I like to take it over the edge.
There's nothing like a guy with plenty of hair doing a comb-over.
Yeah.
So, Trevor, what do you do for work?
Welder.
Oh, you are a welder.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Are you also a flash dancer?
Guys, respect your welders.
I wish to.
Do you weld one thing in particular
or do you specialize in different metals?
Trailers.
What is it?
Trailers.
Trailers.
Mild steel.
Trailers.
Trailers.
I'm a trailer welder. Trailers. Trailers. Trailer welder. Wow. I'm a trailer welder.
My goodness.
Look the part.
Funny enough, it's Trevor Ratliff, so it's got a lot of R's in it.
Oh, okie dokie.
I was just about to ask you, how many R's are in your name?
He looks like a guy that likes to say a lot of R's.
Yeah, a lot of hard R's.
Trevor. It's Trevor.
Wow. Trevor,
you ever do any World War II
reenactments or anything like that?
No, but if that was today,
I would enlist. Heck yeah.
Well, there you go.
Trevor, what do you
like to do for fun? You seem like a guy
that definitely has some hobbies.
Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with psychedelic drugs.
I'm going through that phase.
It's my obsession right now.
Well, you know, we all play our very, very large part.
What are your favorite psychedelic?
I mean, what's your truly your go-to acid?
Um, yeah.
Acid.
The last time I did acid, I communicated with another human telepathically.
Wow.
Did you see all his particles?
Yeah, it was, it was really weird.
Was it really communicating telepathically or were you on FaceTime or something like
that?
Like how hard were you tri FaceTime or something like that? No.
How hard were you tripping?
Honestly, yeah, it was a good first time hard tripping.
Was it just you going, hey, and him going, hey, back, like in your head?
It's like, whoa, you heard that?
It was all in my head.
But honestly, we hiked down to the river and we this bridge, and we sit down on this bridge,
and he suggests,
hey, let's just sit here and meditate for a second.
So we sit there, focus on your breath for a moment.
Within 10 seconds, we feel each other above each other.
Wow, wait a second, wait a second.
Is this a story about the time that you sucked Pinky's dick?
Good to see you again.
Sitting on a bridge, dude.
Let's just, you know what?
You know what, Trevor? Why don't you just sit there
and meditate? I'm not going to do anything.
You just sit there and
open your mouth and close your eyes.
That's all.
Yo, feel something on your tongue.
Now that's the acid.
I want you to fuck me in my acid.
Did you do the, so you did the acid alone?
No.
You had a partner?
That was true.
A part, he had a partner.
That was it, going for the part show. I should have kept that. And I won't stop either. That was it. Going for the part.
I should have kept that.
And I won't stop either.
I love it.
We're going to keep going until we get a good one for you, Joel.
Two hours later.
What's that?
You fuck.
Anyway.
His favorite movie, The Departed.
Hey.
Part goes to the weasel.
Thanks, Leo.
The weasel goes part.
So, Trevor, what else?
Other than psychedelic drugs, what else are we talking about here?
What kind of...
I like old cars.
Cars?
I like to figure out how things work.
What kind of car do you have?
You should wear a shirt that says, who parted?
I'll buy it from DougBenson.com.
I would.
What kind of car do you have?
It's a Ford Bronco.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I heard that it's really hard to get parts for a car like that.
Now, is that a full-time hobby or a part-time hobby?
I love it. Everything's part-time hobby or a part-time hobby? I love it.
Everything's part-time with him.
Nobody knows how to get the party started
harder than Trevor Secreto.
I don't know how to finish.
Did you write that book, Part of the Deal?
Which part of the book have you read?
All right.
I didn't finish.
Do you have an exhibit in town at the Park Museum?
Okay.
Well, you know.
I think we did it.
Tony, is it time for us to part?
No, no, it's not.
It almost is, but not quite yet.
What's that? Jesus. What are you going to do?
What are you going to do? Kill yourself?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I've thought about it.
Jesus.
There's a real Gerard Depardieu over here.
Yeah.
Well, too smart.
You know, I like your style, Trevor.
First time doing stand-up.
I'm excited for you.
I have no idea what you were talking about,
the Tales from the Crypt thing at all.
But you know what?
For a first time, you covered one subject
and you stuck with it.
You didn't jump around a bunch.
You committed.
And you're a reasonable human on stage.
Thank you.
So keep working at it.
Same thing I've told everybody.
Got to do it more.
A lot of first-timers here, but there's open mics in Boise.
You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time?
Let's go.
One more time.
Let's do this shit.
Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night.
I wish Danny Brown was here.
Okie dokie.
Anyway, back to this part of your final comedian of the night.
Put your hands together for Muffin Top, everyone.
Muffin Top.
Interesting name.
I'm excited to see what happens here.
Not seeing movement.
Muffin Top, you coming from up there?
What's going on here?
I think Muffin Top, you coming from up there? What's going on here? I think Muffin Top's scared
out, huh?
Pedro wants
to go up again. Blacklisted.
Pedro, 0 for 24
tonight, is convinced that if he has one
more chance, he'll fucking nail it.
Holy shit. You two guys
brothers?
Okay, perfect. Good good that would be frightening
if you weren't all right your final comedian of the night put your hands
together for Nate Ford everyone Nate Ford
hey look at this guy come on it's your final comedian of the night, Nate Ford.
I love pot.
The reason I say that is because I am out.
I love strip clubs too. I love strip clubs, man. I think a great name for a strip club should be called,
Sorry Dad.
It would have like a monthly announcer.
Welcome to the stage now, disappointment.
Give her a dollar,
make her inner child smile.
You think abortion doctors
have kids of their own?
You sure, honey?
It's real easy.
I could do it myself.
It's free.
You're right.
They're human.
They have kids of their own.
Do they bring your kids to work day?
This could have been you.
Good night.
Fuck yeah. Nate motherfucking Ford.
Showing them how it's goddamn done Look at you
Look at you, you big fucking baby bear
Aren't you the most adorable goddamn thing
We've ever had on this show
You're fucking
You little cutie pie, you
It's like a grown up Ewok
Yeah
If he never went forup Ewok. Yeah, you do.
If he never went for an Ewok in his life.
Nate Ford, I believe you.
Everything that you said, great jokes, the strip club, the abortion, everything.
You really love pot?
I do.
Pot of what?
Chili?
Cake batter?
What are we talking about? Yes, yes.
You've been smoking pot a long time?
For a while, yeah. What do you do for a living?
What sitting job do you do for a living?
Where you sit down? I currently
do stand-up comedy for a living.
Really? Full-time? How long have you been doing it for?
Since 1999.
Wow! Holy shit!
I love it, dude.
All the experience you have made up
for all these other fucking names I pulled
out of this bucket tonight. All these
goddamn first timers and it shows.
You have great fucking jokes. 1990
goddamn nine.
I love it. I started right here in
Boise at the Funny Bone.
Right here in Boise. You started here.
Then I moved away. Yeah, where'd you
move to? I lived in Minneapolis for a bit, then Wisconsin for 17 years.
Fun fact, when he lived there, they had to stop calling it Minneapolis.
Gigantapolis.
They called it Bigapolis.
He's never had a mini soda in his life.
Mini soda?
More like large soda, please.
Oh, you guys are still
trying to shoehorn it.
You're trying it.
You'll know when it happens.
So,
wow. How long did you spend in Minnesota?
About four years.
Four years. And then where'd you go?
Wisconsin.
Milwaukee.
For the cheese. about four years four years and then where'd you go wisconsin oh yes yes milwaukee uh
home of cheese curds yeah is that where that happened pretty much yeah uh what was uh what was like was that the main thing that you think got you the cheese curds is there other things
that uh beer and brats beer and brats hell yeah absolutely brats. Hell yeah. That's what they have there. Absolutely. Absolutely.
So then when did you come back to Boise?
Four weeks ago.
Four weeks ago.
You moved from Milwaukee back to Boise.
Well, I'm turning 40 in June, so I thought my mom could use a new roommate.
Right.
Yeah, that makes sense.
What's the comedy scene like out here because you know we've seen some
of the most amazing talent today
you know there's actually
quite a few talented comedians in the
local scene the funny bone's still here
it's called liquid laughs now
but it's in the same location
as the old funny bone hey it's not
the funny bone it's big boned
yes okie dokie uh so um hell yeah so you do
stand up full time are you still going to be able to survive doing it here in boise uh i do traveling
too so it's just it's the home base right here yeah you do the road a lot a lot of tough grinding
gigs you drive you drive a lot bars to theaters and everything in between.
You drive to a lot of the gigs?
Mm-hmm.
What kind of car do you have?
I have a Honda Civic.
Honda Civic.
Fucking perfect.
The hatchback with the hunchback.
Yep.
I love it, man. I got a little of my new CD.
What's one of your favorite cities to go to?
You do the road a lot.
We're in the middle of a crazy tour.
What are some of your favorites and why?
South Dakota.
Why is that?
Watertown, South Dakota.
Watertown, South Dakota.
I'm going to write that down, and you tell me why.
Less white people than Boise?
More white people than Boise.
But no, just great people.
Salt of the earth.
Salt of the Earth?
You think you need more salt?
Yeah.
Sodium cocksucker.
What do you mean by Watertown?
Tell me more about Watertown.
What does that mean, Salt of the Earth?
Just friendly people.
You think Minneapolis is a nice place,
but no, it's South Dakota has the nicest people in the world.
Oh, my God.
Is this guy a really nice racist?
I can't put my finger on it.
He's like, no, there's even more white people there.
It's paradise.
It's fantastic.
I could walk the streets without being a...
You can walk the streets?
You can walk the streets without what?
Breathing heavy.
He deserves that one.
He's got his foot behind his head.
Wow, that is
so fun. So, Watertown
has, and I don't think you're
a racist. These guys will make jokes
about you being, you know, KKK.
I think you're XXXL.
I don't think you're KKK.
I think you're KFC.
I don't think you're KKK. I think you're KFC. I don't think you're KKK.
I think you're A&W.
Where's the place we ate at today?
What was that diner we went to?
You guys ever been to the...
What was that called?
I don't know, but you could have an honest meal there.
Yeah.
It just said eat on the side of the building.
Yeah.
Famous diner between here and Salt Lake City?
All right, fuck it.
I'm looking it up.
Do you know what we're talking about?
Famous diner between here and Salt Lake City?
It's right next to A&W.
Wayside Cafe?
Wayside Cafe.
That's right.
I'm telling you, that's a fucking baller-ass diner there.
Did you ever eat here at, what's it called, Goldie's?
No.
Could have sworn you ate there because they were out of food the other day.
Nate, what do you like to do for fun?
What are some other fun facts about you when you're not doing stand-up?
I like to watch movies.
That's about it.
I like that.
It's a sweet hobby.
Yeah.
I like doing theater performance.
Really? Oh, wow.
You do that?
Community theater like here in Boise.
What are some roles that you play?
Didn't I see you as Fiddler under the roof?
Fiddler breaks
the roof.
Fiddler through the roof.
Believe it or not, I was actually in a ballet
in 2001.
A ballet? Get the fuck out of
here. Is there any chance, do you remember
any of your moves?
I was more comic relief. I played
Sandra Ponza for the Idaho Ballet
Company. What did you do for it?
Did you do something?
Oh!
That was a play.
Did you know how to
catch somebody and anything like that?
No, but they took a big sheet
and they threw me up in the air
quite a few times. Wait, did you
wear the sheet before they threw you up in the air?
Nope, I would just land in the middle
like a trampoline type of thing.
How big were these people that could throw you
up in the air?
My goodness. Were you this big
back then?
Probably bigger. Wow.
Damn, look at you.
That's pretty fucking good, man.
And by good man, I mean John Goodman.
Yeah.
I thought
the only roles you did were dinner roles.
All right.
You got it.
Yeah.
We'll ask. Hello, sweetheart.
How are you? Do you know this young lady?
The reason why you're sitting there.
What's happening?
Why are you on?
Oh.
Do you know him?
You don't know her?
So you're just a crazy woman that's sitting on stairs.
I'm Nate.
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
What's your name?
Molly. Nice to meet you, Molly. Great security they have.
He didn't ask you, what are you on?
Prices start at $300.
Wow, look at this.
Nate and Molly looks a little bit more like Mike and Molly.
You know what I mean?
I love when you laugh.
That gut goes fucking ballistic.
That's a beautiful thing you got going on there.
All right, Nate.
Well, I mean, you know, anything else?
Any other fun facts that we'd be surprised to know about other than ballet?
Anything cool?
How old's your mom?
She is 65.
65.
And who do you think is going to die first out of the two of you?
There's bets going on right now with the out of the two of you? There's bets going on
right now with the rest of the family.
Really? What's going on?
It's an above ground death pool.
An above ground death pool.
You ever go swimming, Nate?
Do you ever go swimming?
No. You go floating? People Nate? Do you ever go swimming? No.
No.
You don't do it.
You go floating?
I mean, people have pushed me back into the water.
You ever go sinking?
You ever go sinking?
Yes.
All right.
Well, Nate.
Have you ever been rescued by Greenpeace?
Once by accident.
Feel better about my rules joke he made the same joke
I love it
he's a pro Nate's a pro
yeah you really are it's incredible
1999 so
did you ever think about moving
to like a big city did you ever think about
moving to LA or New York or anything like that
I thought about it I just wanted to kind of work the road
and work on my craft first.
And then once I have something to bring to the table,
instead of just going out there and fighting.
I know you love taking things to a table.
That's for sure.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you know, Nate, I love it.
I'm so glad.
You know, one of the cool things about this show,
I've always said this, is to me,
the mishmash of different people
that sign up.
So many first-timers tonight,
and then out of nowhere,
a home run hitter that's been in the game since 99,
started in Boise,
is clearly ending his career in Boise.
And I just think it's awesome
that you signed up for this show.
I think it shows a great amount of respect for the show,
and I think that in return we showed a great amount of respect to you.
Unbelievable performance tonight.
Great jokes.
One more time for Nate Ford, everybody.
Did you guys have fun tonight, huh?
That was a weird one, Tony.
Well, there's one thing that I forgot to tell you at the top of the show that is really fucking cool,
and that is that house artist Ryan J. Ebelt drew official Kill Tony tour posters
that are going to be for sale, being signed and delivered right back there.
If you want to make a regular straight line, whoever wants one.
There's also band posters.
There's official Tony Hinchcliffe pins.
There's official Death Squad glow-in-the-dark pins from our friends over at the Great Rockin' Pins.
There's also Feminist Stacy, a few T-shirts still available, a limited amount on those,
and the tour posters and all the posters.
And we're going to be back there flying through signing those for you if you want
a picture if you want a handshake we'll fly
through it all over there just make a nice straight
line hey guys how about one more time for the great
and powerful Doug Benson huh
come on
motherfucking Doug Benson
for you
come on let's see how
loud this place can get for the great and powerful
Jeremiah Watkins, everybody.
He fucking did it again, this guy.
Jeremiah's got a new album coming out June 7th.
It's available for pre-order now.
The party at the Main Room Comedy Store
is going to feature Red Band, me, some other cool people.
Everything's going to happen there at the Comedy Store the day before.
But you can preorder it now on iTunes.
Follow him on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins.
And he's on social media at Jeremiah Stand-Up.
New episode of Jeremiah Wonders out with Jason Tebow.
And be on the lookout for some great road episodes coming up where we record episodes on the road.
They're very Kill Tony-centric.
All the Kill Tony fans will like a little behind the
scenes look at some of these upcoming
Jeremiah Wonders episodes.
How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel
Jimenez, everybody.
We brought him for you. The
real fucking deal. Joel
Berg. Mostly sorry on
social media. Anything else from
you, Joel Berg? This is his first time ever in Boise
oh yeah
shout out to Ludwig and we love
you guys peace we love Joelberg
we love Ludwig everything's
moving along smoothly we're gonna see you guys
in the back for posters and pictures
and pins how about another
hand for the one the only the guy
that rolls with me every single
episode for almost six years Brian Redman thanks a lot How about another hand for the one, the only, the guy that rolls with me every single episode
for almost six years, Brian Redman.
Thanks a lot, guys.
We love you, Boise.
We'll see you soon.
Good night.
Thank you.
Thank you.ああ 折れられないのね
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