KILL TONY - KILL TONY #351 - PORTLAND

Episode Date: May 23, 2019

Eric Howk, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/18/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola spiced refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony.

Just a note, this episode, in the middle of the episode, we had a memory card fail on us, so the audio had to be pulled from the camera. So there's a big chunk in the middle that has pretty bad audio, but the beginning and the end sounds okay uh we replaced the memory card so this is the only show that we had a problem with uh but if you want to come see us live not only are we at the comedy store every monday uh you can go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates you can see the rest of our tour. We're about to go to Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago,

Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and finishing in Brooklyn at Skankfest. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the tickets. Also, ShopSquad.tv, that's the official merchandise of the DeathSquad universe. There you can get hats, shirts,

mugs. Go to ShopSquad Squad universe. There you can get hats, shirts, mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. Go to ryanjebelt.com. And Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony Hitchcliff! Portland, we're back! Make some fucking noise! Wowie, yowie, wowie. The great Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. What is up, guys? We are back in beautiful Portland, Oregon.

This is very exciting. You guys ready for this? You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Very exciting. We are at the front leg of our big, crazy summer tour work. So excited to be back with you here at the beautiful Aladdin Theater, one of my favorite venues ever. The first theater I ever performed stand-up in,

opening for Jeff Ross eight or nine years ago. Did it a couple years ago on the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour with our friend Jeremiah. It's an honor to be back here and to sell this bitch out in one of my favorite cities in the country, Portland, Oregon. And tomorrow we go to Vancouver, then two sold-out shows in Seattle, and then the tour continues in June. Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa,

Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York. New York. Drink delicious Caveman coffee. Go to cavemancoffeecompany.com. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15%. And the new Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th.

But you can pre-order that now. You can pre-order it right now. Reaganandwatkins album comes out June 7th, but you can pre-order that now. You can pre-order it right now. Reaganandwatkins.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, could not make it tonight. However, after the show, out in that lobby area, he already drew an amazing summer tour first leg of the tour poster that has Portland all over it. We'll be happy to sign those for you. And they're only $20 a pop. Amazing. And we'll take pictures with you,

shake your hands and everything after the show if you guys like. Does that sound cool? And we have some pins, too, from our friends at rockandpins.com. We have a Tony Hinchcliffe pin. We have a little Death Squad pin that glows in the dark. We want to do those also. Yeah, the Tony Hinchcliffe pin does not have a little Desquad pin that glows in the dark. The Tony Hinchcliffe pin does not have facial hair on it,

however, but if you'd like, I have a lot of black Sharpie markers. I can make a couple lines. I'll leave a little space for you right underneath my nose. If that's how you want to do it, that's how we'll do it. I'm very, very excited to be back here.

We're pumped and excited for this show. Should we just jump right into it? As always, there is no guest here on these road shows. However, on this show

it just so turns out that we do have a band. Every single episode of this show, the band commits to playing different characters. They've debuted a lot of new characters this week. We've seen puppeteers. We had Vampire Elvis Presley. It's been a crazy week. What were they last night again?

I can't even remember last night. They were... Wait, what were they? Target employees. Were you guys there? That wasn't last night, though, was it? Very impressive. Anyway, you never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do.

And they have a special band member, very special band member joining them tonight. The guitarist from Portland's very own, a band called Portugal the Man, Eric Hawk. I give to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Jewelberg, Jewel Jimenez! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! The place is in a ruckus! Feminist Stacey is here! Live in the flesh!

She is back! Live in the flesh! She is back! Wow! It has been a long time, Feminist Stacey! And you chose here, Portland, Oregon! You guys are as lucky as it possibly

gets. I never know what they're going to do. Everybody knows these characters. These are perhaps the most famous band characters of all time. Feminist Stacey, you look pretty angry about something already.

I am seething with anger right now. What's happening? What's wrong, Feminist Stacey? I've been hearing about this stuff in Alabama that's going on right now. As women, it's our body, our choice. Wow, listen to all those dirty sluts out there agreeing with you. Incredible.

I love it. Feminist Stacy's here. Eric Hawk from Portugal the man is even a feminist no no no no yeah that's Garth from Wayne's World everyone knows that this is feminist Lacey

and then and we're Portugal the woman tonight I like that. And then clearly back here we have a Mexican Smurf of some kind. It's Macy, you idiot. Macy and Stacy are back on the show. I'm guessing that's perhaps Gracie or something.

Lacy. Lacy. Lacy. We've got Stacy, Macy, and Lacey. I will not forget that. I'm writing it down right now. I don't want to fuck this up. And before we start the show, I want to make a point.

I don't know whether he made it here or not exactly, but I just want to say real quick, this show would not exist if it wasn't for our amazing home of the world-famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip giving us the creative freedom and opportunity to be one of the first ever live comedy podcasts and evolve and grow, and I do believe that in attendance tonight is the owner of the Comedy Store somewhere.

I believe Peter Shore is here, everybody. Oh, fuck yeah. How about you give him a hand? Incredible. I think he's here. I hope he's here. Portland's very own Peter Shore taking the place to a whole nother level,

keeping all the comedians and audience members happy. And so we're very excited. We have the band. We have Red Band. We have the feminists. This is very exciting. And we have this right here thanks to our pal Derek Palmer. He gave us a...

Hey, sit your ass back down. Get your ass down. No one told you to soak in applause, you idiot. You think you bring a 99-cent jack-o'-lantern, you get to jump on stage, you fuckwad? This thing is jam-packed with names. We had an amazing turnout here at Portland.

We're going to try to get through as many as we can. You guys know how the show works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage, and that includes uninterrupted from you guys. We don't interrupt the 60 seconds, so don't be an idiot. Don't heckle. If you had the balls to sign up,

then hopefully your name gets pulled out, but don't ruin somebody else's set. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means there's only one way to get up here. You have to go that way, up that ramp and around. You can't miss it. Just follow that wall up that ramp. You're going to go backstage and come out here and walk straight to that microphone. Don't fucking touch me. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, you could barely hear that little baby thing. Oh, it's louder. Wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring

out the angry Harvey Milk Street Bear. You might know him better as, formerly known as the Stark Street Bear, or perhaps some of you know it as the Vaseline Flat Bear. I was told there's many gay parts to Portland, so... Basically the Portland Bear.

How about we just call it that? You guys ready to start this mamma jam or what? Here we go, live from Portland. You guys ready to start this mamma jamma or what? Here we go, live from Portland. How fucking exciting is this? And your first comedian getting us kick-started tonight goes by the name of Kevin T. Kevin T.

Oh, here he comes from right there, second row. Here we go. He's coming around. This is exciting. You guys excited for this shit or what? We're live in Portland, Oregon. Whoa, what's going on, Portland? Yo, so my favorite meal is Hamburger Helper,

and my favorite flavor is the Beef Stroganoff. I like it so much, I think I call it the Beef Stroke Me Off. And it would make sense because their mascot's a big hand, so it would do well. I'm not very good at dating. This one girl told me she didn't have a gag reflex, and I just said, well, you'd be a really bad bulimic person. Okay, does anyone like condoms here?

No one likes condoms? Yeah, my cat hates them because he can't breathe very well when I put it over his head. I'm just kidding. He's trying to be a father, so that would be against the point of doing that. My grandma's kind of racist.

We went to a Chinese restaurant, and she's like, I don't care for the orientals. And I said, Grandma, oriental's the flavor of ramen. That's not really the thing there. Has anyone ever drank it so much? Oh, that's it? Oh, okay, there you go. Fuck yeah.

I guess... I guess. There you go. Fuck yeah. I guess... I guess... There you go. Heck yeah. Welcome to the show, Kevin. Hey, brothers. This is the first time having a Portland third grader on the show. How old are you, Kevin?

I'm 24. 24. That's your first time on stage right there? This is my fifth time on stage. Fifth time on stage. Wow. You've worked those jokes out before somewhere else? I've tried them once, actually, last night. I tried a few of them.

None of them went really well, so here we are. Tony, this guy is like logic without the logic part. He really is. You really put a condom on your cat's head? Is that what you said? No, my cat is allergic to latex, so it doesn't... Wait, how did you find that out?

His ass started swelling up. Is your cat really allergic to latex? I don't know. There's lots of used condoms around, and she seems fine. How are there... You jerk off into condoms? I don't understand. How are there used condoms laying around your place?

I just find them on the street, and whenever I find one, I just keep it to the collection. I see what you did there. Look at Kevin trying to improvise up here. That's so weird because you look like a guy who saves used condoms from the street. Wow. There you go. Have a little sippy or Kool-Aid, pal. There you go.

Aw, shucks. My goodness. Kevin, are you born and raised here in Portland? Southern Oregon, yes. Southern Oregon. Lived in Oregon my whole life. Hell yeah. There's some other billy goats here from Southern Oregon, it seems. What do you do for work?

I'm a student. I go to OSU. Yeah, what are you studying? Computer science. Computer science. Wow. Do you know about my skin, that I like computers? What?

My skin's kind of bad. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No no I know your skin's bad hey you want to acknowledge it first and open up that gateway feel free like a CNN to be a low-tide what see an enemy and low-tide CNN enemy and low tide? I don't understand. You could just say Portland Meth Face. That's all. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

And nerdy too. You have both Meth Face and Math Face. That's embarrassing. Tell us something we'd be interested to know about you, Kevin. Any fun facts about you? You ever win a spelling bee or anything? I'm bad at spelling. My right nut's really weird. Yeah? What's weird about it? Let's see, pull it out right now. How many of you understand this?

No, don't do it, don't do it. Nothing probably has pimples all over it, too. It's disgusting, yeah. What's weird about your nut? It never descended. It's just kind of hanging out. Really? Yeah. What's it going to nut? It never descended. It's just kind of hanging out. Really? Yeah. What's it gonna take to drop that thing? I don't know.

I saw your set tonight. You dropped the ball already. Take another sip, buddy. Take another sip. I don't think that's it. Just play it cool. Pretend like it's casual. So, what do you do about that? Have you talked to the doctor? I don't know. It's fine.

It's just a little different, you know? Have you talked to a doctor about that? I haven't talked to anyone about it. You should probably talk to a doctor. It's probably dead. It smells really bad. I don probably dead. Like, what? It smells really bad, I don't know. Oh my God. Okay, can we stop talking about testicles for one second?

Yeah. I'm not up here talking about how my left labia hangs lower than the right. Is that true? Yes! Tony, I don't have testicles, but these shorts are really hurting my ovaries. Wow. Kevin, you have a girlfriend? Oh, I do not, no. Oh, really? So you're the only one that you nut inside of?

Kevin, why are you drinking your drink like that? What's happening? I love it. I didn't think I'd get called in first. Here I am. This is exhilarating. How does it feel? These people love you. Look out there.

These are good people. They don't judge people by their skin texture. By the quality of their work. About the ball thing, you're convinced to not talk with a doctor about this. You're convinced that everything will be fine. Maybe one New Year's Eve, perhaps the ball will drop or something. What's the overall plan? Maybe one New Year's Eve, perhaps the ball will drop or something. Let's do it. We're all planned. I talked to a doctor. They said it's fine. It's a normal thing from what I've heard.

There's plenty of people like me. That's crazy. Five minutes ago, you said you haven't talked to a doctor. What the fuck? Like, he couldn't pull it out for you? Don't you want it out? I don't want to leave it where it is. Why? Have you ever been with a girl? Have you ever had a girl down there and she's like, Don't you want it out? You still want it? I don't want to leave it where it is. Why?

Have you ever been with a girl? Have you ever had a girl down there and she's like, I don't want to scare you, but... Do you only have one ball? You could have her try to suck it out or something. Oh, really? I mean, for money, for mistakes. Oh! Typical man machismo talk up here. This guy's talking about his balls like it's some angel or something.

My ball hasn't descended yet. Well Kevin, you finished your Robitussin, so I think you had enough medicine for today. There he goes, the first comedian on the thread, M.I.T.! M.I.T.! On to the next one. It's all happening. Heck yeah. I should give a shout out to that barbecue we had. Yeah, shout out to our friend over at Rockin' B's Burger Company making us a barbecue. Barry Peterson! Yeah.

Thanks again for the delicious barbecue. Pulled pork. Delicious, delicious meat. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Ethan Zimmer. Ethan. Here he comes. Here he comes. Ethan Zimmer everybody

Me and my girlfriend were having some problems and actually we Talked about having kids but kids kind of suck so we decided to get a dog only difference about getting a dog is You can't hit your dog difference about getting a dog is you can't hit your dog. Dogs are way better than babies. I mean, try hitting a dog. It's really hard. They got the puppy dog eyes. It's almost impossible. People use puppy dog eyes to get out of trouble. They look at you, come in, Sarah, quit blowing other dudes, damn it. She gives you the puppy dog eyes. Alright, well at least when I'm not home, she gives you the puppy dog eyes. Oh shit, okay, like make sure I'm in my room at least, you know.

Puppy dog eyes again, okay, spit in my goddamn mouth if you are. Gee, you know. That's all I got, that I got. Thank you, Portland! Go, Bladesmith! You, uh, you don't hit your dog. You do hit your dog or you don't hit your dog? What's the joke? The only difference between getting a baby and a dog is you're not allowed to hit your dog. Ah, exactly. Also, another difference is that you can't put a used condom over a baby's face. Is that a bet?

Yeah, you can put it over a dog's eye. I've worn this recently. So you think you can hit babies? That's your logic? Yeah, that's a joke. Okay. Just kidding. You never want to hit a baby? I'd rather hit a dog than a baby, would you? No.

Wow. Portland's a dog town, am I right? Wait, why do we have to hit either one? Why is either on the table? Okay, how long have you been with this girlfriend that you're with? Oh no, this is my ex. Oh, your ex. Wow, you talk about her like she's still with you. Shocking! How long were you guys together?

We were together six years. Six years. How long have you been broken up for? About a year and a half. About a year and a half. What happened? Uh... FAKE US SORROW! I had no idea how that would apply. But, go ahead. How did that happen?

I just broke up after six years. Yeah. Have you been with anyone since then? You know, just dating and stuff. I don't know. So you know, like I have any idea anything about you, Ethan. Your most recent date, what was that like? How did that go? We went out, got drinks. She was a yoga instructor and then we had sex. She was a what?

Yoga instructor. Yoga instructor? Yeah. Wow. My goodness. And you had sex. Yoga instructor. Yoga instructor? Yeah. Wow, my goodness. And you had sex? Yeah, it was pretty cool. That's how you call it, yeah. It was pretty cool.

That was last week, so. I don't have sex very often, so it was pretty cool. Oh, I can tell. I think that goes without saying. She's a yoga instructor. What do you do? Oh, I work at a golf course. Yeah, what do you do? I work at a golf course. Yeah, what do you do at the golf course?

Manage the retail area. Retail, very fancy. Yeah, that must help getting you a lot of pussy. I know a guy who needs help with his balls. Do you think you can do that? I'll see what I can do with my money. My goodness, Ethan. You work with a lot of rich people. You deal with a lot of rich people at the golf course. I see a lot of white rich people. Yeah. Anybody ever insult you or anything like that? Call you a little punk or anything?

No, no. No? How long have you been working at the golf course? I actually just started. I just moved back to Oregon. How recently did you start? How many weeks ago? Four! Golf jokes. Here comes the mountain from Game of Thrones. So Ethan, tell us something else fun about you. What else would surprise us about you?

My best friend and roommate back there is also named Ethan. Wow! Is it called Ethan and Ethan? Insurance! Wow, that's your best friend. Best friend. What do you guys talk about on your podcast? We just tell silly stories, mostly drinking stories, crazy sex stories. Yeah, do you have any short crazy sex stories?

He just flew past something. Sorry, Tony. What about the finger in the butt thing? Yeah, it was my first finger in the butt, so I talked about that. Was it your own or somebody else's? No, no, yeah, her finger was in my butt, yeah. That's what it looks like. Just one finger? Just one, yeah. It was my first time around. How did that make you feel?

So you could say she got a hole in one. How was that? Did it feel good? I came pretty hard, yeah. Wow! That's pretty much par for the course. Did she give you any bogeys on it or anything like that? No, I don't even check. There you go. Alright.

Wow. And which girl was that? Who did that? Was it some random? No, no. A girl I knew from high school. Wow. Man, you were at your butt fingered in high school? Damn, dude. Quite a player. All right, well Ethan and Ethan, what does the other Ethan do? He goes to OHSU. OHSU, wow. One more reason I'm not going to listen to Ethan and Ethan. What is OHSU? I don't even know. It's Oregon Health Sciences. Wow, so he's smarter than you. Yeah, he's the brains of the operation. He's the brains of the operation.

I'm just the asshole who talks about his butt. Ethan, how long have you been on stand-up for? I've probably been on stage like 30 times. 30 times? Wow. Look at you say, over how long of a period of time? So yeah. How long ago did you start? A year ago. A year ago.

After I broke up with a girl. Oh, you broke up with her? Yes. Wow, that's surprising to me. Maybe it was a mistake. Wait, and where did, what does she do now? She is actually Canadian. She's back up in Vancouver.

Oh, oh really? Did she fly? Would you say she flew? No, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew to Vancouver. Oh, she flew She is actually she's back up at Vancouver. Oh

Did she fly did she fly like a birdie or an eagle? She always she polite you think maybe she was a little bit too polite for you Is that one of the reasons that things got boring? Yeah, maybe. Wow. There you go. Did you guys like to go clubbing? No, don't do it. Don't do it. Make me work for it.

I don't know if that's the one. I love that. Well, Ethan, you got up tonight, you got pulled out of the bucket 30 times on stage. Fun things, keep talking about life. There you go. Ethan Sandberg. I'm a baby, I'm too scared.

I'm ready to, and you're scared And you're in my brain Pulled another name out of the book You guys having fun out there? How are you? Here you guys can remember your next comedian He goes by the name of Brian Platt Paul Brian Platt Here he comes I was horribly abused as a child. That's okay.

I was taken into foster care, adopted into a beautiful family, had a good life. I was definitely left wondering, though, as a child, how the fuck do you get to Sesame Street? How do you get? Not as a joke though, they left us wondering, how do you get? What I mean is you get left with a lot of Ds, a lot of ADDs and

PTSDs and ADHDs. Why is it always D's, right? It's because of disorders. It's called disorders. That's not a joke. It's just not being educated on what the fucking D's are. Okay. Okay, here's another way we had ADHD. I was in a car crash and my life flashed before my eyes and I fucking couldn't pay attention to it. What? All right, there you go.

It's like, Brian, I like your energy. I didn't understand a word you said, but you're there. That's right. There's something very funny about it. It wasn't your jokes, but it was something Brian taught you. You have a great energy. You have that orphan energy you brought up here. Thank you. That energy of still trying to impress the father that you never met.

You're right. So, Brian, let's talk about it. A lot of disorder there, a lot of very system of the down centric stuff. And you said that you've been in a car crash, and after this set you've been in two. Tell us more about this car crash. What were you talking about there? Tell us about it. It was just the fact that I had been in a car crash and

your life flashed before your eyes paying attention to that when you're in a role let me ask you this real quick and we'll get right back to it Brian when your life flashed before your eyes did you see your birth parents in that life before your eyes? I'll see them and be like who are these people? Mom! Mama! Also, did you lose your other pigtail in the car crash? Okay, go on. Tell us about the car crash. I interrupted you. Okay, sorry. You're supposed to be paying attention to your life flashing before your eyes,

but what you realize is that when you're in a rollover car accident, you don't know you're rolling over. You're in a fixed position. You just see the rest of the world tumbling in front of you like a fucking movie. And I don't know, I thought that was... You're a little bit jumpy. Either you did a little bit of drugs before this

or you shotgunned a Red Bull. Which one is it? Alcohol and marijuana. And this is what it does to me. That's what it does to you? It turns you into a messed up gay man? Right! My wife thinks that is really funny.

Really? She left. As soon as you called my name, she fucking left. Wow. She knows my jokes. Oh, my goodness. Tony, this is also his first time out of the lamp in a long time. He doesn't know what to do with his grave.

For those of you listening to the podcast, he has one ponytail and he keeps flipping it from shoulder to shoulder. Sometimes he's tucking it behind him so that we maybe forget about it. I know. Yes, feminist Stacey. Yes, I just want to say I love your braid and I love that you're embracing the woman. Goal check. Tell us more about you, Brian.

Is that your first time on stage? Yes. Hey, first time. There you go. First time. Tell us more about Hey, first time, there you go. This is the first time. Tell us more about you, what do you do? Oh, I do, oh, you guys are gonna fuckin' hate this. No, it's okay.

We do a podcast. It's like this fuckin' Ethan guy over here and the other Ethan guy over here. Yeah, let me rephrase the question. How do you make money? Um, we do sales for a tech company. There you go, that's the answer. Where do you sell it, for the tech company?

It's like a POS system for marijuana companies. Right, okay. Oh, you don't think you sell tech knives? Right. Yeah, I mean, okay. Hell yeah. You sound like you sell tech knives. Yeah! Alright. Yeah, I think you seem pretty nice. I don't sell cocaine, I guess. So, is that true that you were an orphan for a while?

Pardon me? You were really an orphan for a while? Yeah, yeah. You go through the whole foster care system, and wait for a nice family. And how long, uh, how old were you when you got adopted? Four or five. Four or five. Yeah. Uh-huh. What were those parents like? Were? Four or five. Four or five.

What were those parents like? Were they white? They were great. Yeah. A military dad and a Japanese mom. Did you just do a kick? No. That's the discipline. You subconsciously did the kick whenever you said, Japanese mom! Japanese mom! Japanese mom!

My mama's so Japanese I a kung fu king here! Wow. Military dad, huh? What branch? Air Force. Air Force. Hell yeah. I grew up in Japan on an Air Force base. You grew up in Japan on an Air Force base. You grew up in Japan on an Air Force base? I was an adopted Native American, adopted by an American and Japanese parents, and grew up on a fucking Japanese Air Force base.

Wow. Weird. Wow. You should know. That's incredible. All I know is that it should be against the law for you to ever buy a gun. Brian, what do you like to do for fun? You seem like a, you seem like a

cool guy, like you smoke a little pot, you have drinks. Yes. What else do you like to do? I have kids. Oh yeah? They're taking up all my internet. How many kids have you taken up for a year? Three kids. Great. Do you still have minutes on your adoption? Three kids. Three? Yes.

Do you still have minutes on your internet? All the internets? And there are two hours left, kids. Let's go. Check your emails. You have three kids and you- Why is my porn buffering? Fucking Xbox. All right, relax, Brian.

Relax. Your three kids, you cat-gallop? Or did you carry on the family tradition? No, I didn't want to... You did the joke. I was gonna answer the question. You did the joke. You weren't gonna do the fucking joke. Son of a bitch. You think you can fool me, dude?

Love it. How old are your kids? They're 17, 13, and 12. Damn, you started early. How old are your kids? They're 17, 13, and 12. Damn, you started early. How old are you? I'm 41. Really? Damn, 41. Look at you. Wow, I can hear your wife's back. Only, only my wife was fucking hooting.

Absolutely, definitely. Everyone else can see your face. She must know your personality. You must be a good guy, Brian. Well, man, I'll tell ya, again, your energy was absolutely outstanding. I didn't understand much of what you said. For the first time, it was great, I'll tell you that. Hold the mic a little bit. Don't do the rapping and screaming. Okay, yeah.

Hold the mic, don't do the rapping, screaming. Okay, yeah. Try to hold it. Brian Redbeck? Yeah. Did the very first time you were on the show in Oakland? What? Yes. Yes, very good.

Thanks for the shout out. So, Brian, just keep doing it, dude. You know, sign up at Open Vibes and have fun with yourself. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. There he goes, Brian Black. Thank you. How many of you like to see comedians bomb on this show. How many of you would like to see comedians bomb on this show? Evil audience up here. Angry stoners in this room. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep it going with Morgan Winnick. Here's your next name.

Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan.

Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan.

Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan he's got it. Hey! One more time for Morgan Winnick, everybody. Morgan Winnick, Hello. So, I'm a pretty interesting looking guy, you know? Like I told that. I was told that I look like a goblin or something like that, you know?

Hills have eyes, meth head. I was also kind of like an interesting looking kid, you know? Hills of eyes, meth head. I was also kind of like an interesting looking kid. I kind of hit puberty pretty fast and it just hit me at age 11. It was like a first Benjamin Button and it just like, boom. And I just like, you know, fucking, I grew to the size of like 5'6 and I stayed there. But like, you know, things like my voice changed. So like, it was probably really hard for my mom to get used to because I'd become home from school and be like, hey mom!

Mom! I wanna ride in the school bus. I'd go into school and I'd ride in the bus. She'd be like, hey mom! There's this girl at my school! She's really, really, really cute. I think I'm gonna ask her out. It's like, hey mom! I hate the fucking president, you know?

I'm kidding. All right, here we go. We're here with Morgan Coe. Morgan, you look familiar to me. You've been on this show before. You were- Do you wanna recognize my tiny hands? Oh, there it is. Tiny hands. You've been on this show before. Do you want to recognize my tiny hands? Oh, there it is!

You were on an episode of Portland's Helium Comedy Club. I was with Danger Aaron. That's right. I believe Danger Aaron is here. I didn't know that that was... I didn't know that... I was kind didn't know that like, I was like kind of like really nervous when I was doing it I didn't realize that it was like him really Right When I was like looking over and like he would say something

Wow that... Son of a bitch Alright, so Morgan let's talk about it Last time you were on the show did I tell you that you remind me of the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2? Did I tell you that? That's what you look like. Viggo! Come out to the painting, Viggo!

I'm waiting for you! I love you, Viggo! I love you! That feminist lazy just freaked out at the accuracy of that joke. It's true. This man has no dick. Morgan, you are adorable. A little man, you seem like you could be both 15 or 53. I'm not exactly sure.

That's true, the joke about you having a high-pitched voice and then going through puberty and then cracking mid-sentence over and over again? Kind of. A little bit. I think so, yeah. Okay. I'm pretty much like, yeah, I felt a bunch of acne, and I was like, hey, hi. Really? Yeah.

I don't believe it. I could actually call my parents' doctor and write scheduled air for them. What? All right. Morgan, what do you do for work? So I teach swim lessons. Swim lessons.

And lifeguard, yeah. I look at fucking old people all day. If you were really good at teaching swim lessons. Swim lessons? I look at fucking old people all day. If you were really good at teaching swim lessons, you wouldn't have to be a lifeguard now, would you? It's true, I mean, right? How long have you been teaching swim lessons? About six years. Six years? And mostly children? Or just black people? Well, I mean, the children are...

Come on! The old couple, the children are out there. Come on! The old couple in the audience loves that one. Look at that one. This is for you guys. I knew it. This is for you guys out there. So who do you teach swim lessons to? Yeah, like, mainly people that I can get my hands around. Those tiny, tiny hands?

Morgan, is that how you dance? I dance Hit that music again Let me see this one more time Morgan you wanna dance with me, tell me? No I can make my penis retract you can make your penis what? retract? crack? retract what do you mean? like a switchboard? like a pen? you like switch the pen and you pop the button and then it goes back in

how do you make your... It's like a turtle shell. Like a turtle is like... How can you do that? What do you have to do? Hang out with me for a week and I'll show you all my tricks. Well, it looks like I will never in a million years find out how you do that. Why does this jacket look like a fall prison fashion show? I thought that it would work. It was fitting. I saw Feminist Stacey and I was like, eh.

Alright, Morgan, you don't have to riff. Just tell the truth. Alright, um, this is actually... It's okay. It's the most beautiful... Put him up, put him up. Morgan, stop. Relax. breathe a little bit, dude. No one cares where you actually got your cardboard jacket from. He's pretty little, so.

All right, very good. It's more like bad boy. So, Morgan, how long you been on stand-up for? This is like my fourth time. First time was last year, Kill Tony. Uh-huh. And so, you go up once every six months or so? Pretty much, yeah.

Is that your passport in your hands? No. Oh, it's a joke. It is a joke, man. You should have used that. I did. I was going to take a second to read it, but then I had to take a shit, so it then I had to take a shit Were you talking about yourself? Well, I mean you've been on this show before you just did it again You gotta talk about you know, you came up and I know what you were doing

You were trying to make fun of yourself before we had a piece But we were never gonna call you a meth head and we were never and I know what you were doing. You were trying to make fun of yourself before we had a piece of you, but we were never gonna call you a meth head and we were never gonna, you know what I mean? Somebody else in the crowd did it. I mean, I'm sure they fucking did. There's a lot of fucking, a lot of slums out there tonight, but you know.

Fucking pigs, tell them, Stacy. You look like a cow! Wow, hey, you. You, you, hey, you, you. All right, I guess you, I don't know if you know this, but I hey, you, you. All right, I don't know if you know this, but I can see you, sir. Don't do that again. Do it like you're hanging out at the trailer,

like down by a- Stop, Morgan, stop. The last thing I need is fucking two unfunny people arguing right now. All right, Morgan, you got up again. Congratulations, Morgan winning everybody. He's trying to get as far as he can. He's trying to get as far as he can. Tiny hands. He really does have the tiniest hands.

But we've covered those before. Like any size glove, we've covered his hands. Tony. Yes? I never saw the guy from Penn and Teller talk that much. Alright, well they got a name now. We're gonna keep it moving along. Put your hands together for James Christian, everyone. James Christian. Is this James Christian, everyone! James Christian everyone.

So, I'm really nervous, but that's okay because most of y'all look pretty good naked. So, anybody here religious? So, a lot of religious people think that Jesus is coming back. If Jesus comes back, I think he's going to open a gym. He's going to call it Jehovah's Fitness. He's going to have a bunch of treadmills set up so that people can practice running away from reality. And then, he's going to teach everybody CrossFit, like real CrossFit. And if you do it right, he'll be like, nailed it! Thank you very much. Oh yeah, absolutely, sure, sign of the night so far, why not?

James Christian, jumping out ahead. James, great set dude dude. This is incredible. One of the best performances by a Confederate War reenactor. If this was your first time on the show, I'd remember those sloppy sideburns. Those sideburns are the equivalent of my facial hair, and I respect that. What are you going for? Like what's the, why, why? You're looking for to be a Not a gold fisherman, maybe. 80's Major League Baseball relief pitcher?

Yeah, that works. I like it man, you have a great spirit about you. How is it, how long have you been on stand up? This is my first time. First time everybody! Oh, it's funny. It's trending with the wonderful feminist Stacey. Well, yeah, I watched your stand-up set.

I was really impressed. I was like, this guy has chops. Disgusting picture. I'll take it. I'll take it. So it's your first time, Jinx. Tell us more about you. What should we know about you?

Any fun facts? Were you a... My friend here wanted me to do a video. I was like, I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'll take it. So it's your first time, Jinx. Tell us more about you. What would we, what should we know about you? Any fun facts? Were you a... My friend here wanted me to talk about my job. I have a weird job. I have two jobs. I have a screen print shop, but I also collect owl pellets and sell them to schools. You thought I was... Wait, what?

You collect what? I put up nesting boxes for barn owls and I pick up their owl pellets and I sell them to schools. That's cool. You always get to pick what you're good at, I guess. Thank you, uh... Do you ever have an existential crisis at the end of a shift and you just look in the mirror and go, Who am I? You're a teacher. Hell yeah.

Do you mind picking up any of the shit that the last comedian left on the stage? It's not worth anything. I don't think I want it. Very good. How do you start finding out that you love picking up Al's shit? I don't know, man. I've been doing it for 23 years. Wow. Nice one. You've been doing it almost all your life! Have you ever tried to smoke it? No, but farmers ask me that and they're like, have you ever tried to smoke it? Yeah. Yeah, farmers want to smoke it. Sorry, James, that's incredible. So, my goodness, what a poot your job must be.

So what else, James? What do you like to do for fun? I play golf and disc golf, actually. I love that. I love that. I do. Would you do anything else super white other than collecting owl poop and playing disc golf? You know, that pretty much covers it, man. I'm a woman. I'm a woman! Woman.

Owl poop and disc golf, it's true. That's whiter than the last comedian's dance moves. My goodness. James, you get a lot of pussy with the owl shit business? I'm married. Married? Wow. Yes, sir.

How long have you been married for? Almost ten years, nine years. Ten years, wow. That's incredible. How old are you? Forty. Wow, really? So you're not forty at all. Must be something in the water or the owl shit or something.

I don't live in Portland. I live in Hood River. It must be the only hood around here from what I can see. Yeah, Hood. It's the only hood around here. I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood.

I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood. I live in the hood, I live in Hood River. That must be the only hood around here. Yeah, Hood. It's the only hood around here. What does your wife do for work? She runs, she does bookkeeping for an excavation company. Ah, why do you laugh like that?

I decided that I wasn't going to talk about my wife when I got called up, but here I am, so... Yeah, it's a whole different thing. How come are you embarrassed of a strong woman who supports you? Basically, yeah. You can say that. Yeah, I could say that, I already did. Where'd you, uh, where'd you meet your wife at? At her house.

At her house? I threw her a window at first and then you... This is not a school. Yeah. Very fun. You guys have kids? Yeah, I have a daughter. How old's your daughter?

Ten. Ten years old. Damn, so you guys got started right away. Yeah, before we got married, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not religious. You're a funny guy, dude. You're not religious, but I bet you were praying that your wife didn't get pregnant. religious, but I bet you were praying that your wife didn't get pregnant.

My goodness. My goodness gracious. You play regular golf and disc golf. Yeah, both. Just like Amy McChit, basically. I don't even know what you just said, but I'll just keep plowing forward with it. Hell yeah, dude. Well, I mean, James, that's incredible how good you did, especially for your very first time. I've been thinking about it a while. Yeah. I like how you smile at yourself. You have an unbelievably likeable smile. It's very contagious. I wish I could smile like that. Like, ask me, say that I did a good job tonight. Tell me that.

You did awesome, Tony. Thanks, I've been thinking about it a while. You smile like an actual emoticon. Yeah. It's sideburns. Like a new sloppy sideburn emoticon. And you got those lines too when you cried. He said split up into 20 different tears.

Yeah. Do the owls ever get jealous of your crow's feet? No. No they don't. I'm gonna get you out of here. Unbelievable set. That's a lot of spirit from one of our famous artists. How about this very young?

He's pretty. He's a lucky guy. He really is a baby shark, that guy. I can hear him singing in my head now. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. How about another hand for Eric Hoff, who managed to turn it over.

What a cool bonus for us here on the Pelotonium. Okay, another comedian coming at you. Put your hands together for Adam Bykovsky. Adam Bykovsky. Adam Bykovsky. Adam Bykovsky.

He's coming for you. Stay. Just put it on that hat. He's got a steady face coming. I'm in One more time for Adam Bykowski Oh man, I'm a big fan of you Tony and I'm really excited to be here I drove down from Bellingham, Washington I'm Tony and I'm really excited to be here. I drove down from Bellingham, Washington. I'm from Portland originally and I'm down here visiting my sisters and my family. I just went out to eat with my brother-in-law, which is a great guy, Leo. He's a Mexican guy. We went out to eat for burritos and I took a big bite and I was like, holy shit, I'm dying up here. And he was like, you know, let me try that.

I was like, man, that must be white people hot. Like, I don't care. So then we go outside and, you know, we get outside. He's like, man, it's freezing cold. It's 65 degrees outside. It's a great day in Portland. He's like, yeah, but it's Mexican cold. So while I'm down here, I'm also visiting my grandmother.

And I always say, if you're having a bad day, go visit your grandma. Because nothing beats grandma problems. You can get a car wreck, you can get in an accident, go see grandma. She's like, well, you know, my best friend just died. So Adam, there you are you? 35. 35. You just had your first time on stage. You're scared. It's exciting stuff, right? I'm a huge fan, so being up here with you guys,

it's like bringing her back to life. Yeah, it's pretty fucking awesome. You're on the number one live podcast. You're doing a great job. Darren Palmer, welcome. So Adam, tell us more about you. What should we know about you? What's something that is special to your life? Big bike rider, but the type of bike.

Bicycle? Bicycle's good. Everybody in Portland's a big bike rider. What the fuck are we talking about here, right? Wow, a lot of people booing bicycles right now. So I'm more of a stunt rider, dirt jumping is my specific type of riding. I have a great trick, I'm flying through the air. And last year I actually had a major accident where I had five titanium plates installed in my face.

Oh my goodness. If I blanked out up here, that's what I was going to try to talk about. Wow. If you blanked out up here, it was probably because of them. Five planes in your face. You had a, what was it, a broken orbital bone? Yeah, I crushed my orbital socket, I crushed my sinus cavity, and I cracked the top of my mouth in half. So you had headaches for what, 5, 6, 7 months? I lost my memory for a while. Horrible headaches though, right? From that horrible bone injury?

Oh, yeah. And the roof of the mouth, can you explain that? I've never even heard of that. I didn't even know that part of the body could even be fucking broken. Can you explain that pain at all or what that was like for just a second? So I woke up a couple days after the accident and I kind of was like sitting around trying to figure out what happened and I talked to my roommate and I said, you know something's weird, all my teeth are loose. But it was all of them on one side. Oh my god.

And the teeth. Holy shit. I mean holy fucking shit. I mean, holy fucking shit. I think I just felt a surge of pain from that story. That was incredible. Let's check in with Feminist Stacy. What was it like to not be able to talk for a while and actually have to listen to a woman for once? It was interesting. Yeah, once. It was interesting.

Yeah, I bet it was interesting. I've never felt this sensation before. They have a lot to say. Yeah, we do have a lot to say. Oh, uh, so how do they fix that? Is there any way to fix a broken roof of the mouth? Do you, uh of the mouth? What do you have to do? Raise the roof or something? They hire a Mexican to do it. It's cold in here. It's just Mexico for a room.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Macy, what the F was that? Oh, a little cat fight going on between the feminists. Who would have guessed that feminists would ever get into an argument with each other? I love it. So what did they do for that? You just had to wait it out probably?

A lot of pain pills or something? A lot of pain pills. They wired my jaw shut for three months. I lost 27 pounds. Wow. I'm not a big guy to lose that much weight, so I lost a lot of weight. Right. I was going to say, if I blanked out, I was gonna talk about, people always ask me what the worst thing about having a jaw wire cut for that long.

Obviously, you can't eat anything. But if you don't think like sneezing, you can't eat. Achoo! Another one was yawning. AHHHH! AHHHH! And everyone was yawning. And he kept screaming. But I will say, it was the worst. It only happened twice. Oh, you said try to go, ahhhhhh!

AHHHHH! That's my reaction every time a man has to mansplain something to me. AHHHHH! AHHHHH! That's my reaction every time a man has to mansplain something to me. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Did you have any trouble getting off the pain pills with the months of extreme pain were over? No, I actually used a lot of CBD and marijuana products. Hey, I love that!

What are you supposed to say? I actually use a lot of CBD and marijuana products. Hey, I love that! What are you supposed to say? Infinite CBD is our favorite CBD product. We use it all the time. I use the PM pills to get a good night's sleep because we get all amped up. Like tonight, for example. We have this show, we do a meet and greet, the energy is sky high. It's hard to get rest, to

go to the next city after this. It's hard. I use the PM pills and it's amazing. You use it too. I do too. And you know what's crazy? A lot of CBD companies nowadays, you don't know who to trust. Well, Infinite CBD hires a third party company to test the purity of CBD. So you know you're getting a quality product. It's true. You can use the gummies, the topical cream, it helps with absolutely everything. And if you go to InfiniteCBD.com right now and use the promo code TONY15, you'll save

15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com and use TONY15 for 15%. We're going to go with that feminine spacey over there. Yeah, I also use CBDPM and CBD in pre-menstrual. I'm always almost on my period. Oh my god, that's right. Oh.

Almost, how are you almost always on your period? I'm on it right now! Oh my god. That's what smells up here. Aww, wait a minute. Dammit. What, uh, what, uh, what, what's... Question for you, Adam. What, uh, what is more loose? Your teeth after that accident or feminist Stacey's pussy?

Okay, Mr. I... You better watch yourself. Yeah, I said it. I said it, Stacy. You know why it's loose? Because your tiny dick could fill it up! That's why it's loose, mister! Don't you come and make like a tiny sack of them

and I know how to use it! Hey, Tony, with that smell, I would be small too. So, I don't understand. It's loose because my tiny dick couldn't? Yeah, it makes no sense at all. You're not filling up the hole. So how did it become loose? Because whenever you're inside of it, it's loose.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Now I get it. Don't try to treat me like I'm dumb. I have a valid point. I think you might be the reason that the guy's ball went up inside of his stomach. Yeah, it was hiding from me. It's kind of Stacey.

There's this new standing lead that she does. Let's have a the Jack girl! Adam, what else? Anything else? I have a lot of bikes. My hobby, I did a lot, so I build the jumps that we ride. I love that. Up in Birmingham we have a set of jumps that are pro level. You're a BMX guy.

Yeah, Diamondback, Among Goose, what do you got? Sweet Redline RL. All right, wow. All right, there you go. There is the momentum of that. So Adam, keep doing it dude, for the first time again. You're absolutely fine. Looking at the difference between your nervousness now and nine minutes ago,

90 difference. So you're already better than you were fucking nine minutes ago. So keep getting better. There he goes. Adam Mykovsky. So, this is very important. Here we go. This is a fun episode. You guys having as much fun as we are?

How many people have you shown before? It's a lot of fun. Unlike last night. Okay, okay, Brian. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Jan Yon Whippet. John Van Dam. Wow. Heart scream. He's coming to the stage.

That's the worst. That guy's fucking great. One more time for Jan Whippet. What's up, you people? Yes, my name is Jan. That is real. My parents decided to name me after the most benign bodily function. Personally, I think it was a really passive, aggressive way of my mom telling my dad he was awful in bed.

My brother's name is Johann Friedrichs. I'm assuming he's named after whoever his dad is. I'm not 100%. I don't have a good way to get into this. I recently got blown by a dude for the first time. Calm down. Verdict is in. I'm definitely straight. But apparently after four dabs and a half a box of Franzia, I bent a little bit. Getting into it, I thought I was gonna have some sort of

crisis of identity or trying to figure out what I want in life. I couldn't figure out how he was having that much more fun than me. How did y'all ever do? Wow, failed it. Wow, Yawn. Very good set. Incredibly honest and very revealing.

Incredible. Is that true? Half a bottle of Franzia, that's all it took? Someone give me a half a bottle of Franzia, please. Here's four dabs. Can someone give me a half a bottle of Franzia, please? Come on. Here's more than four dabs. What do you mean, four dabs?

Four dabs. Dabs. Four dabs. You want to go there? Wait, the guy blew you for dabs? No, after four dabs. Oh, four dabs and a half a bottle of Franzia. Yeah, and I'm a stoner.

I never drink, so. Oh, okay. So, how long now? You got the... Yeah, and I'm a stoner, I never drink, so. Oh, okay. So, how long now have you got the... Ben and Stacey, what's going on over here? I'm dabbing. Okay, very good, very good, very good. Oh, okay, go ahead.

I did have a question though. So, I think the crowd really responded to when you said I bend a little bit So what I'd like to try is an experiment. List some other gay things that you've done in your past and then say that one line again. I bend a little bit. I'll help get you started when it comes to gay things that you've done. The way that you ran up here. Got you started. After 11 years in a youth choir, I've been a little bit.

Fuck you. So, uh, Jan, uh, wow, how was the blue job? Uh... Because, uh, when it comes to, uh, when it comes to, uh, most jobs, men are better than women. Uh... So... You take that is, while he didn't make me cum, the amount of effort he put into it, dude turned a blow job into a blow 401k. Wow.

I bent a little bit. You did cum from that, right? You definitely came from that, though. Sorry? You did come from that. I had to finish myself, actually. So, you finished on his face or something? Yeah, like, he was way into it. Yeah, of course! Yes, gay dudes love sucking cop, y'all. I love that you're surprised about this. The gay dude just fucking loved it. I can't even explain how... He wouldn't just let me jerk off by myself. He insisted that I come on his face for some reason. I had no idea why he would want that.

Did you find him attractive at all? I mean, was there a reason why? I mean, I've been wasted. I've never thought to suck a guy's dick before. Sure. Sure. I was crashing at his house, he jabbed me out and we were drinking and at one point he offered. I was like, sure. So like, real quick, I gotta do it. So can you give us like a little bit of a reenactment of how he offers that blowjob? Because I don't know if I ever really heard it, but just a blowjob like,

well, hey, look at that. That thing just retracted like the Morgan dude's penis was. Yeah, like, was he in the fridge and he was peering in, he's like, can I get you a beer, a Dr. Pepper, a blowjob? What do you need, buddy? How did it happen? So, in front of a friend, I was crashing into his house. I was sleeping out of my car at the time. And essentially, like, hand very firmly placed on the inner thigh. With a long look over.

And I shook my hands up and said, I mean, sure! And he went to fucking town. Yeah, so he... So he just started blowing you. Yeah. How long was he blowing you for before you stopped him and said, you know what, I'm gonna need to finish this myself? Uh, he was very upset that I hadn't finished yet.

So like, so... Five minutes? I would probably say about ten. Ten minutes, right. And so like, the way I describe it is like, mechanically good, but I... When you say that, you're saying that he looked like a mechanic? He knows how to use a tool. I'm having a stage fright.

Yeah, after ten minutes were you looking down and you're like, I bet a little bit. Were you trying to trick yourself? Like, hey, this is a girl, you know, Pamela Anderson sucking my dick or something like that? Yeah, are you that old to where you were picturing Pam Anderson sucking my dick? Are you that old to where you were picturing Pam Anderson's son? Yeah, you know, who are you picturing? Marilyn Monroe? Ah, kid? Ah? Where you're like, hey Adam, more like Eve, am I right?

Hey, Judy Garland, you're looking great down there. It appears as though you're not in Kansas anymore, Judy Garland, you're looking great down there. It appears as though you're not in Kansas anymore, Judy Garland. What a crazy show this is. Having this much fun talking to a guy about getting pulled by a guy. Four necks and half a box of Franzen. And to me that's just not that much.

Oh God. Even a cop if he got pulled over would be like, yeah you're not Joan Camp. Yeah. You know, we'll be definitely bending the law. All right. I mean, that's fucking really interesting, y'all. So, and then you finished on his face, right? So he's sort of like, what, on his knees,

and you're standing there? No, it was in the bed that we ended up standing. Damn, made it up with the bed, huh? What happened? It was the hand on your thigh on the couch. You never told us that you guys took the long walk to the bedroom. Were all your old friends standing in the hallway on your way there going, Shane!

Shane! Shane! Shane! Shame. Shame. Shame. God damn, I'm cracking myself up tonight. I know, it's beautiful. So you made it to the bedroom, and then what?

He's laying on the bed? This is getting funnier and funnier somehow. Can you paint the scenario? Are there candles? Is there Axe body spray? You're just looking at Michael Jordan posters in the hallway as you're walking around like, yep, I'm about to get blown by a dude. This is definitely happening. Still dude stuff.

Looking for a single flower or a fucking Atlantis Morissette CD. Nope. Still a dude. There's a Sammy Sosa baseball card right there. About to get my dead son by a dude. Is that shaving cream? Just lay here. My sleep number is 69.

Oh my god. You look over at the TV. Sports Center's on. You're just looking for anything to convince yourself it's a female. Okay, so explain it to us a little bit more. What do you remember? What else? Alright, so basically the whole time we spent in the bedroom because that's where I was supposed to be crashing.

Right. So we start. He starts going, why aren't you coming? Like, why haven't you come? Are you close? Are you close? And I'm like, no. And he goes, do you want to finish yourself?

And I said, yes. And he goes, can you please come on my face? And so I said, yeah, because I felt like he was doing me a solid. I don't want to let him down. Like, I felt bad. You don't want to leave a bro hanging. Wow. I mean, he's worked me up to this point so much.

I got at least, you know. He smoked me out. He let me drink. He gave me a blowjob. I couldn't come for him. It was the least I could do. Like, really. Damn right. From the the least I could do. Like, hi. Really. Damn right.

From the bedroom to the headroom. True, true, true. What did the guy look like? Yeah. Very round man. Very round. Oh, bigger guy, huh? Yeah.

Damn. Look at that. Takes a lot of guts to come on a bear's face. All right. So, Jan, I mean, very fun. What are you, Swedish? The name's Norwegian. I'm

a general. Well, nice to meet you, general. Tony, he mentioned he sang in a youth choir for 11 years. Yeah, I mean, I can't believe that you made it through that without coming on a dude's face then. Very impressive.

Did you ever get hit on by any of the priests? Oh, hit on by? Oh, yeah. So we met on, well, in high school we met on Tuesdays. There was a guy who was madly in love with me. Every single time, every week, he would see me. I shit you not, this is exactly what he would do. He would go, shit. He'd go, yay, Yanni, he would see me. I shit you not, this is exactly what he would do. He would go, shit.

He'd go, yay, Yanni, yay! Oh, wow. Jesus. That actually happened. My God. Every week for about a year. Wow. That's incredible.

You're gonna ride on down to the sea There he goes, Jan Wipik, everybody. Great job, Jan. Thank you, Jan. Wow. Definitely one of my favorite interviews ever. I mean, just unbelievably honest and giving. I love it.

That's how you kill on an interview here is by talking about shit that seems like you probably shouldn't be talking about. Instead of talking about stuff that you think is going to make you look cool, you go the opposite route and it ends up working out. Right? You guys get it. You guys are all diehard fans of this show. We're live here in Portland. Living the fucking dream. I'm excited. Let's go back to this

bucket. Let's have some more fun. Good luck following that, whoever's next. Put your hands together for Steph Colbertson. Steph Col hands together for Steph Colbertson. Steph Colbertson. Colbertson. Hey, it's my window. I can't stand the rain.

Here he comes. It's my window. I can't stand the rain. Hey. He's coming. Everybody's afraid to run now, it seems. One more time for your next comedian, Steph Colbertson.

So, I really like bad TVs and bad movies and shit like that. One time I was watching HBO with my girlfriend, and I was like, fuck, I really wish they had Pitch Perfect 2. I really liked the original. HBO shows, I really like Game of Thrones like everyone does. The other night when it was on, I was like, my girlfriend says, you really like the dragons, don't you?

You get really excited to see the dragons. And I do. I really like the dragons. But I'm not really that much of a dragon kind of guy. That's not to say I'm not a nerd. I have a sweet video game tattoo on my whole arm here, which of course makes me a huge fan of the game. There you go. Steph Culbertson.

Against my window, I can't stand the rain. So, Steph, let's talk about it. You basically just gave a live Yelp review of TV and movies that you like. If your set was as tight as your pants, it would have gone a lot better. Those fucking things. Those pants are somehow the gayest thing I've seen on this stage all night. He's got the tightest pants and the

loosest earlobes I've ever seen in my life. Those are some fucking hangers over there for earlobes I've ever seen in my life. Those are some, you got some fucking hangers over there for earlobes. Yeah, those things look like my labias. Stacey, I don't understand how a feminist can talk so openly. Because I can say whatever I want about my body, and I will own it. I'm beautiful on the inside and out, Tony Hinchcliffe. One of the great anomalies about feminist Stacey is that women literally go crazy for her. It's so

funny. Wait till they find out that it's a man under there. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Stacey. I don't mean to call you a man. You're a beautiful, beautiful stunning woman with a beautiful nose and a beautiful body. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful big tits. Okay, so let's talk with Steph Culbertson up here. I'll allow it.

Steph, first time ever on stage? Yeah, doing stand-up. Very good. First time ever on stage. You said doing stand-up. Is there something else that you've done on a stage before? I used to play in bands. Oh, yeah?

What do you sing, play an instrument or something like that? Guitar. Guitar? Oh, interesting. You'd ever do any singing for your band? I did like screaming vocals for a band. Screaming vocals? Can you just go straight into it? Give us an example of some of your

screaming vocals. Go right ahead. Don't even think about it. Let's do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. This is me! This is me! Fuck yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely. See how that works?

It fucking works on this show for some reason. Have you noticed every time we have somebody that does vocals in a band, it's always screaming vocals? It's never like... Yeah. Usually is. No real talent. No, I know.

I like it. It's OK. So what are some of what are some of your what are some of talents of yours? Is there anything else that you do or that you like to do or that you specialize in? What do you do for work? I work in a warehouse at a shipyard, a warehouse and a shipyard. Wow. You just the part.

Do they not pay you enough to buy socks? Wow, you dressed the part. Do they not pay you enough to buy socks? Hey, look at that. There it is. It has begun. They don't get the whole... You said you work in a warehouse? Yeah.

It's not a men's warehouse. How do you keep from getting made fun of by your peers at the warehouse do you work behind like uh like a waist high wall or something like that i don't know you don't know yeah i just don't care you have a girlfriend yeah you seem like uh you seem like a quite a ladies man you got tattoos. You got a good fucking look. You have style clearly like women like pants like that. In fact, women actually wear pants like that.

It's called capris, right? Men like them too. Feminist Stacy. Yeah, I love his broken heart tattoo on his ankle. How many times are your pants rolled up there at the bottom, by the way? Twice. Twice. The famous Kill Tony pant roll from a few weeks ago.

We call it cuffing. Yes, I know it's called cuffing, you piece of shit. Jesus Christ. I just hate that shit so much. So, Steph, how long have you been with your girlfriend? A year and a half. Yeah. Where'd you guys meet?

In San Diego, where we're from. San Diego. Where were you doing down there? That's where we're both from there. You're both from there? Yeah. What brings you up here? She's in grad school up here, so I followed up.

She's in grad school up here. What is she studying? School psychology. Oh, very cool. That's fun. You guys, you seem like the kind of guy that would have crazy sex. Am I correct? You guys, like, do a lot of crazy shit.

You, like, hit each other and spit on each other and everything? No, but she pegged me. She pegged you? Yeah. What is that again? Reminding? Oh, okay. All right, now we're talking.

So what did she peg you with? It's a strap-on dick-shaped object. That explains the pants. Damn. Have you ever been pegged by a mini saxophone before? First time for everything. Wow.

What the fuck is Portland? My goodness, there is some crazy shit going on here in Portland. How often does this happen? Is that a regular thing? One time only? It was just a couple times. Did you like it?

Let me ask you this. Did you buy the pants after that happened? Or did that come with the dildo that you bought? Buy the strap-on now. We throw a free pair of 26-waist capris. 226 waist capris. How far into your relationship did the pegging happen? Early on or pretty recent?

It was a few months in. A few months ago. Hell yeah. And was it her idea or your idea? Hers. Hers. My goodness. Yes! My goodness. Yes!

My goodness. That's why you don't listen to women. Oh, come on. Red band. You disgust me. So how long did this go for? Like how many, I mean, how many thrusts? How many minutes?

I mean, I don't know what question to ask exactly. Was there a lot of tearing? Red band. I asked him a question. How long did it last for? Standard. Five, ten minutes. Standard? The good old getting fucked by your girlfriend with a dick standard. Oh, yes, of course. Must be 17 minutes. We all know what the standard is for that.

Taking a cock. An entire season of Game of Thrones. My goodness. This guy is such a bro. I bet he goes to drinking parties and does peg stands. Peg stands.

That's when you sit on the... All right. Is your nickname Pegasus? Wow. My goodness. All right. All right. Guys, I don't know how...

You guys don't understand the formula. I don't know if you know how the chant works. It's supposed to be after a big joke, not just him talking. Her talking. Oh, very good. Okay, very good.

So, Steph, I mean, I got it. I mean, that is butt-fucking entertainment. Wow. Anything else we'd be surprised to know about you? You ever put it in her butt? You ever get payback? We've tried. Yeah, you tried, but it didn't work?

But it worked for your ass? What the fuck? My goodness. I'd fight that tooth and nail. You want to fuck me in my ass? I'm fucking you in your ass. There is no ifs, ands, or buts. Actually, there's a couple buts.

Mine and yours. You ever put on this strap-on just to see what it would be like to have a black cock? I'm guessing it's black. I don't see why you would have a white one. Maybe they only sell white ones in Oregon. We don't allow them black dicks in the dildo shop. You're going to have to go to California for that. What color was the dildo?

Tell the truth. Purple. Purple? Oh, my God. Avatar dick. Jesus Christ. My God. I love you.

You love me. We're a happy family. Oh my god, it's right behind you. Look out. Wow, that is incredible. Does seeing this bucket of destiny give you flashbacks? Wow. My goodness. Did you come? Yes, but it was more like I had to jack myself up. I love it. I knew that was going to happen. That's such a funny, weird thing where it's like,

I knew that if you said yes, all the dudes in the audience would be like, Oh, you're gay. Like, that makes it official, dude. The dick in the butt thing was okay. We've seen worse tonight, but you coming seals the deal dude so interesting uh another fun sec congratulations on your first time ever steph amazing steph colbertson everybody fuck yeah great stuff dude there you go steph Culbertson. Unbelievable, man. What an episode of this show. I can say with no ego,

you'll be listening to all the episodes we did this week. This is by far my favorite episode of this entire week. This is just fun. Fun comedians, fun interviews. We got fucking Stacy, Macy, and Tracy up here. If we quiet down a little bit, we could hear him sit down back on his seat and hear him go,

ow! There it is. There it is. My goodness. So, Lacey, what do you think about this show so far? That's the smallest saxophone I've ever seen in my life. Look at that thing. I can't stop looking at that saxophone.

Thank you. Wow. Okay, pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Todd Royce, everyone. Todd Royce. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Woo! Oh, everyone. Todd Royce. Oh, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Woo! Oh, yeah.

If I'm not led, my friend. Oh, hell yeah. Todd Royce. I just started a new job a couple of weeks ago. I already had my first Me Too moment. My boss came into the office and said, Todd, I want to see your dick. And I said, Me Too.

I'm a fat guy. I'm a fat guy. Can we still say fat? Like, fat people aren't a protected class in this country yet, are they? It's too bad that we're not, because we're the type of people a wall could keep out of the country. I'm growing my hair out.

I look like Jesus with a thyroid problem. I look like if Jesus moved back into his mom's basement and got really good at Fortnite. I look like Obesus Christ. Wow. Wow. Holy shit. God damn. wow holy shit god damn Todd that was

that set was fucking groundbreaking that was just your walk up here you just fucking smashed dude wow thank you that's incredible fucking smash, dude. Wow. Thank you. That's incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Almost a year. Almost a year. That's it? Wow. I mean, an unbelievable set. For those of you listening to the podcast, he got about a quarter of a standing ovation here in this massive theater at the end of his set.

Fucking unbelievable, unbelievable shit going on here. Anyone ever tell you you look like Kid Rocky Road? That's perfect. Hell yeah, dude. Look at you. You're a badass motherfucker. Are you from here in Portland? No, I'm from Tacoma, Washington.

Tacoma. Wow, Tacoma getting boozed. Feminist Stacey. If his kid Rocky wrote his song, it would be bra with the bra, the bang, the bang. Wow. Todd, what do you do? I work in credit for a countertop company. A countertop company? My goodness.

I was also a professional wrestler for 18 years. Get the fuck out of here. Wow. 18 years in professional wrestling. Oh my God. What was your gimmick? I was the American wet dream. Get the fuck out of here. 18 years of breaking bodies

and banging hotties. Wow. I mean, my mind is completely blown right now at everything that's happening. You're taking this entire show by storm, and I love it. Feminist Stacey. Yes, do you still have the strength to lift a woman?

Hell yeah. Wow, Feminist Stacey offering to go into a little bit of a wrestling hold here. Let's see what happens here. Don't hurt yourselves, please. Wow! Wow! This place is chaotic right now. Holy fucking shit.

Now that's how you treat a woman. Wow. You might be one of the greatest things that's ever been pulled out of a bucket. But enough about how you were born, Todd. It's incredible. You always been a big boy? Always a big boy, yeah. 18 years in pro wrestling.

Any highlights? I got a chance to do some stuff with Roddy Piper. Wow, really? Wow, me too. One of my favorite people. One of my great mentors. Taught me a lot. Not from far from here, right?

Eugene or something like that? Yep. The late, great Roddy Piper. Not from far from here, right? Right. Eugene or something like that? Yep, yep. Yep. The late, great Rowdy Roddy Piper. That's very fucking awesome. And now you're out of the game. Back injury, right? Has to be.

I mean, I'm just talking because we're pro wrestlers. It has nothing to do with your morbid obesity. Tony, when you say back injury, you mean the other guys, right? Why'd you stop wrestling? I still actually wrestle once in a while. I wrestled a couple weeks ago here in Portland. Damn, that is so fucking cool. The American wet dream.

The American wet dream, baby. I fucking love it, man. My goodness, Todd, what else are you into? What else do you like to do? What else about your life? I'm married. I've been married for 12 years. Damn. My goodness. That's incredible.

What does she do? Other than have trouble sleeping next to a sleep apnea mask every night. Babe, for the love of God, will you stop snoring? Snoring. Yeah, what does she do other than pray to not get rolled over on in the middle of the night? What does she do other than make breakfast for hours every day?

Five hours later. What does she do, though? What does she do though? What does she do other than wait 40 minutes to use the restroom after you? But seriously though But seriously though What does she do other than grocery shop?

But when she's not vacuuming M&M's off the floor, what is it that... I love how in Tony Hinchcliffe's mind this woman is just vacuuming and cleaning and shopping and just taking care of her big man at home. Oh, oh, he's supporting me, so I'll take care of you. Another aspect of your life. Guess what? Women can be more than that.

Yeah, but she's a good woman. Whoa. I'm about to pick you up and throw you around. Good luck with that, Feminist Stacy. You might break your back and your wig on that one. My goodness, Todd. Well, I mean, I hate to do this because it just happened again so recently in Phoenix. It's something that's only happened, I think, three times in the history of the show.

But if those people got it, I don't think you leave me with any choice. You got a fucking half a standing ovation during your set. The interview is absolutely unbelievable. I see no reason why you shouldn't get the fourth ever golden ticket in the history of the show. Wow. This is incredible. Let me get a little bit of video of that shit. This is chaos.

Todd, the fourth ever golden ticket winner. That means that he can come down to an episode at the Comedy Store any Monday, and you're part of Kill Tony on Mondays. Thank you so much. Yeah, you did it yourself, dude. You came up here and you fucking crushed. This is an honest show, like a good old cafe in Idaho, a good honest meal, and you

did it. That's absolutely what this show is about, is coming in and fucking using the opportunity to show what the hell you can do. You made fun of yourself. You laughed about yourself. You told us everything about you, and that's what the whole fucking thing is all about. Congratulations. You're one of the top

four comedians to ever be on this show. Jesus Christ, thank you so much. One more time for Todd Royce, everybody. Amazing. I mean, just absolutely incredible. I said this was one of my favorite episodes before Todd Royce came up here. I also said good luck following that

before Todd Royce came up here. And now I say it again. Good luck following that. You want to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? Not going to be easy. But you guys said earlier you like watching people bomb more than you like watching people do good. Did either one of you two sign up,

this happy fucking couple right here? How did you guys end up here? I'm so intrigued by your presence. We have the couple that held the pitchfork outside of the farm. My goodness, sir. What is this? Bring your parents to podcast today? They're with you? My goodness. I like your style. Fuck yeah. All right, back to the bucket. I dug deep.

I moved my hand around. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for what could be your final comedian of the night, Mac Neal, everyone. Mac Neal. Here he comes, right from the dead center of the show. The whole row getting up to let him come out. Such great talent in Portland, man.

Such great talent in Portland. This is incredible. I mean, a real artistic, fun town. One more time for Mac Neal, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck me. Okay, so... I think I've solved the equation to my life.

See, I'm 23, and I have three children. So if you do the math there... Oh, oh. If you do the math there, I did not subtract my penis in time. Did not do that. I have twins. I have twin daughters. Some people are funny. They say that's like two for the price of one.

I think that deal belongs on the shelf next to the three for one hepatitis bundle. Not a good deal. But you know, I don't want to complain about my kids. I don't want to put them in a bad light. You know, uh, oh fuck. That guy was so good. I'm sorry. That's, he's really fucking me up. Um, I don't, I don't want to put my kids in a bad light. Uh, I love them. And if you think for a second that I'd give them up for Well, let's talk numbers. Heck yeah. Mac Neal nailing it. Exactly one minute.

Of course, we know you don't like to pull out early. So, did all your time. Mac, to be honest with you, I loved your set. It was extremely hard to follow Todd up here, who absolutely smashed. And I just want to acknowledge that you acknowledging that got an applause break and that was very smart of you to do that because you're absolutely right that's a fucking

tough position to be in and acknowledging it helps it's something that you learn by doing comedy a lot. Have you ever done stand-up before? I've been doing it for about a year.

Right, so there you go. You got a little bit of chops. Like the guy that picks up owl poop, you have a little bit of chops on you. It's a little bit of chops. Scattered chops. So, Mac, tell us about you. Good fucking luck.

Pro wrestler, no? All right. Owl poop, no? Dude ever suck your dick? You ever get butt fucked? You're screwed, dude. You're screwed, buddy. This is a trap. Somebody call Admiral Ackbar because it

is a trap. It's a trap. The lack of things that I've put in my ass really makes me an uninteresting person. And I apologize to this crowd. No, my, yeah. I mean, my life is just fucking, I mean, I guess I could find a Crayola crayon in my house and try that. Shove that up my ass and come back.

I don't know. You want to start now? We could start with a drumstick. How old were you when you had your first kid? Because you said you had three kids and you're 23. 19. 19. Wow.

And you just fell in love with making babies at 19. You popped out two more. I mean, that's hard to do. Was it the same girl? Yes. That's good. So that's... So 27 months is how long that takes.

That's basically you basically... One's twins. Oh, one is twins? Yeah, no, I have twin daughters. So I got two in one go. Okay, thank God, because I was doing the math on this, and basically I had you fucking your wife while still giving birth to another child.

By my math, you were dumping loads in her while the baby was coming out. Thank God some are twins. Do you have twin girls or boys? Girls. Twin girls. Well, that's good. Hell yeah. Very good. Are they hot? Just kidding.

Come on. We're taking chances. We're deep into the show. We're deep into the show. It's hard to follow what we've created here. Fuck yeah, people rooting for my pedophilia. Very good. So, Mac, tell us more about you. I mean, you know, 23 years old, you got

three fucking kids. What do you do for work? How do you put food on the table? Or do you just wait for Todd Royce to drop some and grab some of his? No, I work at a grocery store. Oh, very good. That makes sense.

Hell yeah. Kill two birds with one stone. Shoplift food, get paid for it. Yep. Do you also not bag it up there either? Nope. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

That's hurtful to our environment. And I work at a health food store, so that's, no, never in my life. Wow. What do you do at the grocery store? I'm a store floater, so I work in every department. I just go around. Oh, wow. You're a floater.

That's one thing you and Todd don't have in common. Todd's more of a sinker, not a floater. Wow. So you sort of do everything. You worked at the grocery store for a while. A few years, yeah. You you know just fucking bagging and doing shit it's yeah i love it i love it it's not there's not a much there's not a lot that's really interesting about it it's you know it's a lot of just pork chops and old people and right

right no we know what a grocery store is uh and by the way don't don, don't call them old people. They're sitting right there, dude. Stop it. Stop it. And don't call them pork chops. Todd's still sitting right there. Oh, man.

Man. So, Mac, what else about you? This girl you're with, are you happy with her? I mean, she gets pregnant pretty goddamn easily. You happy with this thing? I feel like if you jerk off into a tissue, she gets pregnant somehow. No, absolutely. We've been married a year together, almost six years.

Wow. Yeah, no, actually love each other, surprisingly. Oh, that's great, man. I love that. Surprisingly. What does she do? She works at the same store that I do. Wow.

Hell yeah. Clean up on aisle four. Oh, there it is. Oh, there it is. See, doesn't it feel good to wait and reward yourself with a good Cholberg chant? Everybody wanted to go premature. I expected that out of bubblegum pop Mr. Burns over here, but not from you, goddammit. You don't attack my friend.

Mack, take it easy. I was going for it. Shots fired. Just because you look like a school shooter doesn't mean you have to be one. You've already taken enough shots into your wife. Well, Mac, I mean, you know, it's awesome that with three kids and working a real fucking American job like a grocery store that you're able to get out and even do things like this. And I implore you to keep doing things.

Treat yourself by having a fun hobby like this. And if it gives you any escape from three kids and a woman that you're probably going to be stuck with for the rest of your life, then get out often and have fun with it. And congrats on being a good father and being there for your kids. Thank you. There he goes, Mac Neal, everybody.

You know, what do you guys think? Maybe one more? All right. But just one. Don't get too crazy, because this is really it. No. If you say two one more time then we're gonna leave right fucking now we're gonna do one more is that okay

okay your final comedian of the night goes by the name of jed m, everyone. Jed Moses. Here he comes from that side. Cadillac, yeah. Jed Moses, everybody. Howdy. So one time I was walking on the beach and I picked up what I thought was a cool rock and it was actually just some dog shit. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. All I had to do to pick her up was tell her she's one in a million.

She's so dumb she doesn't realize that means there's 330 of her in this country alone. So my dad died 10 years ago. He died in his sleep. He hit an oak tree and burned to death. Speaking of burning things, you guys like smoking weed or what? You? Look at this lady. She looks like a deep throat dabber right there.

Just like that other guy earlier. Go ahead. Do you want to finish it? That's it. Alright. Jed Moses. Unbelievable. What can I say? That was hilarious. The way you delivered that first joke is one of my favorite jokes in the history of the show. The way you're able to

you really sold it like an excited kid. I once thought I picked up a rock. It was just a piece of shit. It's a true story. It's unbelievable. I know it's a true story, but you got to realize some comedians go, you know, sometimes guys will do this 20 or 30 years with that actual being, something like that being a story and not realize that it's right there in front of them to do on stage.

That's delivery. You did it as a joke. You recognized it. You wrote it down and you said it with a smile right into the microphone so that everybody could hear you. You enunciated it. All those things come together and create a perfect storm. How long you been doing stand up? First set.

Get the fuck out of here. Portland, baby. Wow. I mean, that's just incredible. Macy, how long have you been the third guy on the evolution chart? I thought you were going to go with Bobby Hill. You do also look like Bobby Hill.

Yeah. What is it about this show? My goodness. Look at you. You are adorable. I feel like this is what Tom Segura's baby boy is going to look like when he's

12 years old or something like that. Throw some jeans on. My goodness. Tell us more about you, Jed. What else about you? Face the audience. You're facing us.

Oh, you know, you guys are fun. I don't know. I work in the cannabis industry, so I'm sure half of the audience does the same thing. Yeah, what do you do in the cannabis industry? I make new strains of cannabis. Wow. Look at you.

My goodness. You got anything? Who gets to name those? You? Yeah, mostly. Yeah? You have any cool names for some of your things? What do you have? The first eight strains I made were named after a friend of mine that passed away, so they all carry his name

and then the flavor. So it's like Brian Berry Lemon Lime or Brian Berry Citrus or you know so on and so forth. You had a close friend you had a close friend named Brian that died? Yeah. I'm so jealous of you. Sorry Brian.

Do you have a friend named Tony that looks like he died years ago? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You got me. I got roasted. I look like I died years ago. You learn something new every day.

Jed, tell us more about you. When you're not growing pot, what else are you into? You seem like some type of paddle boarder or something like that? No. God, no. I like photography. I take a lot of photos. I like Red Band's camera that he got, the Sony. Do the women

know that you're taking their pictures? No, I got a long zoom lens. They don't know. Wow. You like to take pictures. What do you like to take pictures of? Mostly flowers and weed. Oh, wow.

Aren't you just a sweet, sweet man? And you have a girlfriend or a wife? No. No, nothing? Jesus. Third on the evolutionary chart. I have a question. Third on the evolutionary chart.

I have a question. Somebody told me that lives here that Portland doesn't have as good a weed as California. Wrong. Yeah. But I told them they were wrong. Yeah. There's 40 million

people in California. What was that? There's 40 million people in California and only four that? There's 40 million people in California and only four in Oregon. Right. We do our best. Yeah, exactly. Feminist Stacey.

Yeah, I have to disagree. I went to a dispensary earlier today and I got an eighth of decrepit witch pussy and it was really good. It was really good. On point. Yeah. Yeah, I also got a quarter of Wolf's howling anus,

and it got me really, really messed up. And I also got another eighth of Sunny Delight, you bitch. The strains here are unbelievable. Thank you, Portland. Very accommodating. Was you bitch in the strain? So Jed, you don't have a girlfriend, you don't have a wife.

Last thing you put your dick in, what was it? It was a lady. Yeah? How long ago was that? Actually, just a couple weeks ago. Yeah? You found her on what, a dating site? You were at a bar?

Is it a... I found her in a coffee shop. At a morgue. What was the answer, Jed her in a coffee shop. At a morgue. What was the answer, Jed? At a coffee shop. At a coffee shop. Man, that seems like a pretty tough place to get laid. So you're at a coffee shop afternoon?

No, early. Early in the morning. I'm a morning person, yeah. You're a morning person. So you're sitting at the coffee shop, and you put the roofie in her coffee. Then what happens? She fell asleep and that's it. No, but what really happened?

Take us through it a little bit. I want to know how you get laid early morning at a coffee shop. It's hard. I don't think I've ever done that. I get laid at the coffee shop. I met her at the coffee shop. Oh, you met her. So it was like you met her on a dating site or something like that, Tinder?

No, I literally met her at the coffee shop. So you're sitting at the coffee shop. You're like, hey, did you go medium or dark roast? And she's like, oh, my God, you want to fuck? I can't remember what sparked the conversation. You can't remember? Man, you must grow a really good pot. I do.

And I smoke a lot of it. Absolutely. Did I hear you say you could make a feminist Stacey Strain? I would love to make a feminist Stacey Strain. I even have a feminist Stacey shirt. I think I was one of the first people to order it. Wow. I love he doesn't think anybody ordered your shirt, feminist Stacey.

One of only a few people that ordered it. How does that make you feel? Somebody over there had one. I seen them earlier. Well, I'm actually sold out of hard copies for Portland, unfortunately. So there you go, Tony Hinchcliffe. I don't have a Kill Tony shirt. I don't know what's going on, actually.

I didn't hear a word of it. Okay. I said I was sold out. Proceed with your little show. Do you guys want three more comics? Three more comics. Okie dokie. It would be awesome if we could get a lady up here after me,

but I'm just saying. Okay, go sit down, Jed Moses. Thank you, guys. I mean, I'm not going to disagree. Well, we could do a quick one. I mean, if we do this, this has to be it, okay? I'm going to pull names out until I find a woman, and then we will end the show on a woman.

Nick's not a woman. Ethan's not a woman. Ethan's not a woman. Ladies, I swear to God, if you ruin this for us right now. Put your hands together for your very final comedian of the night. She goes by the name of Marissa Meeks. Here she comes. Marissa. Marissa.

Shark, shark, shark, shark, baby shark. Here she comes, Marissa. Shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, baby shark. Here she comes. Shark, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, baby shark. Here we go. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, baby shark. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, baby shark. Mama shark. Portland, thank you so much.

This has been a very special night. Grandpa shark. Shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark. Your final comedian, this is it. Very special night. Your final comedian. This is it. Marissa Meets. Come on, show her some love, people. So just to clarify, I literally thought I was signing up to win something.

No idea who you people are. Tonight is my anniversary. I met my husband in the classic way. A bunch of coworkers convinced me to go out to a bar after work, and I said yes and showed up. There was one person at the bar wearing a bowler hat on his iPad, and he was singing. No, the husband I now have was singing. And I got so hammered, I decided to date him later. Four years ago. I'm a cook. I have a lot of fun stories with cooking. Usually involve a lot of fire, threatening people with knives, yelling at servers.

Yeah. The scariest thing I've ever done is this right now. So thank you, guys. Fuck yeah, Marissa Meeks, everyone. Congratulations. So fun. How do you feel about what just happened to me? Were you kidding?

Did you really think you were just signing up to win something? Yeah, I actually signed up my brother-in-law, too, because I was like, you know, he bought us tickets. Wow. Look at you. Does he also work at Target? He wishes. He wishes.

My goodness. She looks like the last Circuit City employee. Like, what were you hoping to win? I don't even understand why you would need more. You already have so much junk in your trunk. That's right, Stacey. I said it. Oh, great.

We get one woman up here. The only thing you can comment about is her caboose. It's okay. Everybody does. I think it's so awesome that you wore the grandmother's sweater up here tonight. Very sweet of you. Marissa, real quick before we let you go, since this was a massive accident, you signing up for the show. Is there anything else fun about you that you could tell us?

What do you do for work? I'm a line cook at a restaurant. Oh, you really are a line cook. Oh, wow. A place we would recognize? Three brewery wow look at that hell yeah there's some alcoholics in this room that eat bar food uh very cool marissa well i'll tell you what we uh we went over time on this episode you didn't even know what the hell you were signing up for uh we have to uh we have to wrap up shop uh we're going to be right out there in that lobby signing posters.

I want to say, without a doubt, I can't express to you how much it means to me that we sold this out. And not only that, but also, clearly, I believe one of my favorite episodes of this show of all time in almost six years of doing this. So, Portland, you're a very special place.

You'll always mean the world to us, and we will always come back. We'll see you out in the lobby. We're going to sign posters for you, and we'll see you then. How about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Jeremiah Wonders. Follow him on YouTube at Jeremia Walkins. Jeremia, stand up on social media. The new Reagan and Walkins album out June 7th.

Available right now at ReaganandWalkins.com. Anything else, Jeremia? I covered everything. Yes, I just want to thank my pal Eric Hawk from Portugal the Man for being here tonight. That was what I was going to say next. How about another hand? Come on, good and loud for Eric Hawk, Portugal the Man for being here tonight. That was what I was going to say next. How about another hand? Come on, good and loud for Eric Hawk. Portugal the man, everybody.

I finally got to take this wig off. Heck yeah. Make sure you, of course, I mean, you guys will do it anyway, but fucking go see Portugal the man, of course. I don't think we need to worry about that. They're a fucking great band. How about another hand for the great and powerful Joel Jimenez, everybody? They're a fucking great band.

How about another hand for the great and powerful Joel Jimenez, everybody? Joel's on social media, mostly. Sorry. Everything else good, Joel? First time to Portland. What do you think, buddy? It's dope. I love you guys.

Thanks for coming out. All right. How about another hand for the great and powerful Brian Redman? Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. We love you. Thank you. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございましたいつまいでご視聴ありがとうございました。 you Thank you.