KILL TONY - KILL TONY #352 - VANCOUVER

Episode Date: May 24, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/19/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website deathsquad.tv There you have every past episode including video portions to the show.

If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday in the main room at the World Famous Comedy Store. And we're on the road. We're about to finish our summer tour. We have a bunch of dates still left. And we're going to be starting on June 7th in Lawrence, Kansas. Then we're in Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York

and we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. If you want tickets go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates Also, Ryan J. Ebelt the house artist, he has a website, he draws all the posters, go to RyanJEbelt.com Tony Hinchcliffe has

his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com there you can follow everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, Shop Squad dot TV. There you have a couple of the Kill Tony t-shirts left, a bunch of Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to Shop Squad dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Coming to you live from Vancouver, Canada. My brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up on Tony Hedgeslam. Vancouver, we have arrived!

Wowie, wowsers, wowsers. How about a hand for the great Brian Redban is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hi! Wow, the first ever Kill Tony Live from Vancouver, Canada It's been a long time coming Fuck yeah And we finally made it We've been to Toronto and Montreal a couple times

And finally, the beautiful And I'll also tell you this Last night we had a hell of a lot of fun in Portland And they said that there's no way that Vancouver is going to have a better show than Portland, Oregon. I said, I don't know if you've been to Vancouver but they have great fucking comedy

fans there. Oh yeah, yeah. So we'll see what happens. A good comedy scene here. Who knows? We have double buckets tonight. Two amazing humans made buckets for us. Shout out to Stephanie Alvarez. The second box

didn't leave a name, but it says Laminard Industries on there. I believe that's a local business. You can spin this one. It's a spinning four-way kiltony bucket. Pretty cool, right? If anything, you guys have got better bucket game than anybody

else. Good bucket game. Couldn't have done better without Ichabod himself making it. This is very exciting. We're almost towards the end of this first leg of the tour. This is stop number seven or eight. We have two shows in Seattle tomorrow, and then it continues in June. For those of you listening to the podcast,

come see it live. You guys are enjoying yourselves already, right? It's a lot of fun. I'm going to be in Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Iowa, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and two shows. We just added a show again in New York City to the Gramercy Theater. One of those is already sold out, so get tickets to the second show. Drink your delicious caveman coffee. Am I right, Canada? Go to cavemancoffeecompany.com. Use the promo code KILLTONY and save 15%. There's a new Reagan and Watkins album out June 7th, huh?

A band born out of this show. You can pre-order it now at reaganandwatkins.com. Go to the pre-party June 6th at the Comedy Store if you're near L.A. And, of course, you know, tonight on these road shows, Ryan J. E. Belt couldn't make it to the show. However, he did draw up an amazing Kill Tony Summer Tour poster, which features Vancouver, Canada. We're going to be selling those, saying hello to you right after the show.

Right over there. We're going to sign posters for you if you get one. There's also some amazing pins available from our friend Mauricio over at Rockin' Pins. He made an amazing Death Squad pin that glows in the dark. There's also a Tony Hinchcliffe pin as well, everybody, with my face on it.

The catch is it doesn't have the facial hair on the pin. But I did bring some black Sharpie markers and I'd be willing to draw a couple lines under the mustache area. I'll leave a little space in the middle so that it's legit. You need a mechanical pencil. You can't use a Sharpie.

Yes. Oh, how dare you, Brian? Are you roasting me? So we'll be selling all that stuff on your way out, saying hi to you. If you're poor, we'll just take a picture with you or whatever, you know what I mean? But we get it. We know the economy here isn't as good as beautiful America.

Oh, yeah. You thought you were going to be better than us when we got the wacky president, but now our economy's booming, so we up the price of posters for you idiots. We don't want to take your fucking loonies and toonies home with us. We need to get a good exchange rate, people. Well, the Canadian dollar has to be close to the American dollar.

It cannot be only one quarter less. It cannot be, right? No, it is, Brian. Yes, right on the nose. Good math joke for all of you to get things kick-started. Yes, 75 cents on the dollar is where the exchange rate is for those of you listening around the world. As with all road shows, we're going to go guestless tonight.

There will be no guests. You get the core of the show, though, because we just so happen to bring a band along with us, everybody. They're unbelievable. They are the best damn band in the land. I think they're one of the greatest things in all of comedy. Truly two of my funniest friends on the planet. I love working with them.

Every single episode, they commit to being new characters. Sometimes it's the return of some of their famous, great characters of all time that we all know and love. And sometimes it's a new character, brand new, debuted in your city. Like this week we saw referees for the first time, Target employees, and a couple nights ago in Spokane, Washington, believe it or not, they were

Canadians for the first time ever. Yeah. Listen to that noise. There was a reason why I had to wait to release that episode. Oh, there you go. All right. So let's see what they are tonight, shall we?

Ladies and gentlemen, they're the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Whoa! Wow. We've seen these guys before. It's the return of the nerds, ladies and gentlemen. Some of our favorite characters of all time. It's been a while since we've seen you.

Where have you been? We've been... We've been... We've been... Oh, my goodness. Can you fix it yourself, nerd? Yeah. Oh, here we are. We've been hiding since that Danny Brown episode.

That's true. That was the last time we've seen you. You look good. Nerd, remind me of your name again. Elliot Seymour. Seymour, all right. And I am Lenny Mosicki. What?

Lenny Mosicki. Okay, Lenny it is. I joined a street gang for two weeks in Detroit. Hell yeah. I smoked weed with Danny Brown and I lost a lot of money. All right, Lenny. Well, you look like a Mexican maid. And I'm excited that you're joining us.

It's been a long time. I'm pumped. We got nerds. We got Red Band. We have two Canadian buckets of destiny here. I'm really excited. A lot of sign-ups tonight, too. All the names are in the spinny box.

And you know how it works. If I pull your name up, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry Davy Street Bear. There he is. Wow. That is one angry gay Canadian bear, if I've ever heard it before. There he is. Wow. That is one angry gay Canadian bear, if I've ever heard it before. My goodness.

And then we interview you, talk with you about life, find out what's interesting about you. My God, did we meet some crazy people in Portland I'm excited about tonight. And just to let you know, don't interrupt their 60 seconds. We don't do it. You shouldn't either. Don't fucking don't interrupt their 60 seconds. We don't do it. You shouldn't either. Don't fucking heckle during their 60 seconds. Maybe they've waited years for this moment, so don't be an idiot.

We'll all call them pieces of shit afterwards together. And the stairs to get on the stage is right in the middle. Right down the middle. You can't mess that up. No other way to get on stage. Don't be stupid. Take the stairs. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what?

We are live from Vancouver, Canada. No other way to get on stage. Don't be stupid. Take the stairs. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? We are live from Vancouver, Canada. Spinning motherfucking boxes. Here we go. I'm excited about this. And your first comedian performing tonight goes by the name of Dennis Theriot. Theriot. Dennis Theriot. Dennis

Theriot. Thoreau, perhaps. This might be him walking up right here at an Undertaker-like pace. Going the other direction and now walking towards the stage politely. Very polite man.

Here he is. Dennis Theriot. First. All right. Cool. I don't know about you guys, but I'm finding it pretty hard being a straight cisgender man in this women's and LGBTQ person's world we live in. I had to join a support group. It's called iSIS.

I don't know. I'm having second thoughts. They're a little too male's rights activist-y for me. Lately they've been trying to get me to do some really crazy stuff. Do I really need to pray seven times a day, guys? Can I just focus on hating women, gays, and Americans? Other than being a reluctant male rights activist slash jihadi, I'm really into the environment. I'm really into the environment.

I've converted my car, my house, basically everything I have to run off of natural, renewable whale oil. It's the future, guys. Don't believe the propaganda. Okey-dokey, there you go. There you go. Some people at the end of their set,

you know they're done when they just shrug their shoulders like that. I like your closer. Dennis, so welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, clearly. Yep. How long have you been doing stand-up? Never. Never?

I agree. You didn't do it just now either. Wow. Okay. Maybe we can. Hell yeah. So you just did it right then. Do you know that? Yeah. There you go.

So you just did it right now. That was your first time. That was the go to the first time. How do you feel right now? Your hands are in your pockets like you're waiting for a bus or something like that. You're a bad boy. Yeah, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. Yeah, there you go. You're already getting it. You're already making the proper adjustments.

Now you got the mic in your hand. That's one tight pocket you got that other hand into. Oh, there you go. It looked tighter when your hand was in it. So, Dennis, I don't really understand what the fuck you were talking about up here tonight at all. At one point, I think you said you joined ISIS or something. It was like a math joke with letters. Well, yeah.

It was like a cisgender. I, cis. They're kind of male rights advocacy. They're really for men. It was quite intelligent, actually. I guess so. Oh, yeah. I would high-five you, but I'm afraid you might hit me.

So, Dennis, tell us more about you. You just decided to start stand-up. How old are you? I am 39. 39 years old. Hell yeah. What have you been doing up until this point? I'm an electrician.

An electrician? Heck yeah. I can feel the electricity right now. Your punch lines were shocking. And your subject matter was current. Wow. Look at him starting with

a Joelberg chant tonight. Opening up with it. Well, this is good for you, Dennis. Seems as though you found a new outlet, which is good for an electrician. What else do you do? What are other ways that you ever express yourself?

Are there other things you like to do artistically in any form whatsoever? Not really. What do you like to do to pass the time when you're not being an electrician? What do you do for fun? I snowboard and I have a kid. Snowboard and you have a kid. Snowboard and you have a kid.

All my time. Jeez, that's okay. Okay, that's a weird mashup you just dropped on us. Wow. That's literally the only things I do other than work. You have a kid? That's so cool. What was it like to have sex with a woman?

Did you get plugged? Did you get plugged? He put it in her three prong. Tell him what it's like. What is it like to have sex with a woman? Answer the question, Dennis. Yeah, what's it like? We're waiting for an answer here. Is it like warm and stuff?

Yeah. Dennis, is there any more way that you could describe it than, um, yeah? We're talking about sex, Dennis. The sex in which you had to make your baby. What was it like? Probably something like playing saxophone. I don't know. Except the opposite way.

This guy's lying. He's a virgin. Yeah, Dennis, are you sure you didn't adopt? Yeah, I'm sure. I don't believe in adoption. You don't believe in adoption? You don't believe. You're trying to throw him away?

What should happen to him? Are you from Canada or Alabama? You don't believe in adoption? You don't believe. You're trying to throw them away? What should happen to them? Are you from Canada or Alabama? What's going on right now? It's just a personal choice. I'm just kidding. I know you're from Canada. I've been trying to get answers out of you for six minutes now, and you're just being polite and humble

and can't keep that wacky hand out of your pocket huh you don't know what to do with it you just don't know what to do i didn't know that's a full paw you gotta have your hands out yeah i don't know what you just said uh it's a heavy paw something i don't know so uh you ever go snowboarding with your kid how old's your kid he's uh 21 months 21 months yeah you had me scared there for a second. I know. There's quite the pause there. He's still my kid.

Still counting the months, huh? When does that end? I don't know. How many months? Probably around two. Probably around two years old. I think when you see her, too, you can just see her. There we go.

Just a few more weeks or something like that. All right, Dennis. Well, are you still with your baby mama? Yeah. What does she do? She stays at home with the kids. She stays at home. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. How about before she got knocked up? What was she doing then? She was in graphic design. Graphic design. If you ask me, she could still fucking graphic design from home. You should get her some freelance work.

Yeah, honestly, I thought so too. There's a great program called AutoCAD. I'll send her the details on it. It's wonderful. AutoCAD. It's not quite the right program, but yeah. Well, Dennis, I love it. You got the show kick-started.

The first thing you said when you went up there is that you are first. I feel like you were trying to lower the bar a little bit or something like that. A real disclaimer. Oh, first. Wow. Didn't know. I was hoping the accomplishment would be just putting my name in the bucket. You did it.

And you went full circle, dude. You got some laughs here tonight. We got the show started. So thank you so much. Dennis Theriault, we have begun. And it has begun. Hey. Hell yeah.

I can't believe you nerds know that song. Yeah, I love Ice Cube. You do? Yeah. My goodness. Wow. Know, I love Ice Cube. You do? Yeah. My goodness. Wow. Know your enemies. Alright, pulled another name out. Let's go with John Platt,

everyone. John Platt. J-O-N Platt. Here he comes. Here he comes. One more time. John Platt. Thanks, everyone.

So I was watching this thing on genetic engineering. It's going to be a real thing. You're going to be able to predetermine your child's eye color, height, fucking muscle fibers, all kinds of shit, which is great, right? Hitler's dream of making superhumans finally realized, but he's, all kinds of shit. Which is great, right? Hitler's dream of making superhumans finally realized, but he's upper class millionaire parents. We want our son to be superior. He's going to go to the Olympics. What makes you so fucking sure? Oh, fuck. You're changing his features, but you can't change the brain.

Oh fuck. What if your six nine green eye, quick twitch little pro DJ, just wants to sit at home all day playing with his ding dong, which is much larger than average by the way, Dad's idea. Here's another thing Hitler failed at. Art. John Platt.

Heck yeah, dude. I love your style, your catchphrase, Aw, fuck. One of my favorites. Welcome to the show, John. How are you? Good. How do you feel?

I'm nervous as hell right now. Really? Get right into that mic. Why does everybody have their left hand in their pocket tonight? What's going on here? Is this some weird Vancouver thing? I don't know. Oh, it's a Canadian hello.

Oh. That means we like you. If we put the hand. Oh. Oh, that means we like you. If we put the hand in the left pocket, that means we trust you. You know, it's like when a cat rolls over and shows you its belly. It's trust. I can't do it now. I don't know what to do. None of us know what to do with our left hands.

I love it. You seem like an off-duty magician that drives a convertible of some kind. Am I close to right about this? You know a few magic tricks, don't you? No. No. I was waiting for the breakdown, and I appreciate that. You were waiting for the breakdown.

Yeah. I'm not done, so you can keep appreciating as it goes. Your sunglasses on the collar right now, was that a planned thing, strategic? I was planning to put them beside my chair, but I got nervous. You got nervous and forgot to take your sunglasses off your shirt. Look at you now, you fucking Canadian Calvin Klein model. That's how it happens.

All right, so let's talk about it. John, how long have you been doing stand-up? First time. First time ever. Wow, look at that. Isn't that special? Tell us more about you, John. What do you do? I paint houses.

You clean houses? No, I'm painting. You paint houses? Yeah. Inside or outside? Inside. We do a bit of outside, but I prefer the inside. You prefer the inside.

Hell yeah. You're the inside. Hell yeah. You're very excited. Hell yeah. Represent an inside painting. So why do you prefer the inside? I don't really like weather that much. You don't like weather. Right.

What ethnicity are you again? Me neither. What ethnicity are you again? Me neither. What ethnicity are you again? I'm half white and half Indian. Half white, half Indian. What type of Indian are we talking about? East Indian. Uh-huh. So,

yeah. So, which one's which? Your mom's Indian? Mom's Indian. I work with my dad painting. Oh, your dad's a painter as well. Yeah. Does the paint run in the family? I think it does. Every morning, does he paint that dot in the middle of her head? Serious question. I don't know.

I'm not cultured. That's culturally insensitive. I'm sorry. Wow. And what's your mom do? She was a house cleaner for a while, but she just got out of that. She's doing guest services in a mall right now. She does announcements and shit.

Guest services at the mall. Have you ever heard her give announcements before? Yeah. It sounded a bit like my set, actually. Really? All fuck halfway through? Pretty much You close with your parents?

Yeah You like working for your dad? Yeah How old are you? 25 How long have you been working with your dad? 7 years 6-7 years

Does he ask you a lot of questions About your personal life and everything? About six, seven years, something like that. He called it. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, does he ask you a lot of questions about your personal life and everything? Or you guys, like, talk about, like, chicks and stuff? No, we're kind of like bros almost. What did you almost say there? You're kind of like butt buddies? Is that what you were going to say? Wow, this is exciting.

We've never had a comedian admit to fucking his own father before. Have you ever kissed him? It's good to finally get it off my chest. Hell yeah. He kissed your chest. It's good to get it off. So you said that you and your dad are like bros?

Yeah, kind of. So like you'll be at work in the morning and you'll look at and your dad are like bros? Yeah, kind of So like you'll be at work in the morning And you'll look at your dad and be like Snow, did you get any pussy last night? He's like, yeah, your mom That's right Wow My goodness

What else do you do? What do you do for fun? Paint the picture for me I'm a fan of boxing I collect boxing DVDs Boxing? What's fun? Paint the picture for me. I'm a fan of boxing. I collect boxing DVDs. Boxing? Like what type of boxing?

Like actual boxes? Fights. Really? You're into fighting? Wait, wait. Yeah, I used to box a little bit. Really? Oh, wow.

How about you put the mic in the mic stand and show us a little shadow boxing. All right, here we go. Showing us a little Canadian shadow boxing with John Platt. Hey, look at that. Oh, there go the sunglasses. It's okay. Keep going, John.

Don't let the sunglasses beat you. Come on. What's the knockout blow here? He only works the midsection. Heck yeah. Look at this. This is incredible. Yeah. Wow. All right. I got a

10-9 round for the shadow on that. I don't know about you. That looked like somebody that still collects DVDs, not even Blu-rays. Keep the sunglasses on. Canadian John Stamos, everybody. That looked like somebody that still collects DVDs, not even Blu-rays. Yeah. Keep the sunglasses on. Canadian John Stamos, everybody. I'm excited about this.

Heck yeah. Look at you. Wow. I feel more comfortable now. Heck yeah. You still got that left hand in the pocket, though. I don't think I'm going to shake that. I love it, man. Wow. So you collect boxing DVDs.

What else, John? Why'd you laugh at yourself just then when I said you collect boxing DVDs? I don't know if there's much else besides that. I don't know. Really? So, like, you have a girlfriend? No. So let's say you take a girl on a date.

You into girls? Boys? Girls. Girls. So let's say you go on a date. You take a girl back to your place. What happens? You just walk in and she's like, oh my god, so you really like boxing and DVDs, huh? And then what? I don't know what happens. Oh, okay. When's the last time you got laid? I'm with these guys. Oh, you're a nerd, huh? A self-admitted nerd. Jeez Louise. Wow.

Oh my goodness. Okay, so you a virgin? Yeah. Really? Yeah. All right. I don't know if you guys know this, but the only way for this show to really beat Portland,

which was amazing the whole way, is if there's a Canadian whore out there that's willing to come up and fuck this guy backstage. Can we get a volunteer from the audience? It's a good looking guy. Come on, show your face to them. Why don't you try to sell yourself?

Do something cool like take off your sunglasses and look at them or something. Come on, give it a try. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. and look at them or something. Come on, give it a try. Tony, I don't know what's happening. My butthole's wet right now. Your butthole's wet? I don't know what's happening.

How'd your butthole get wet? I don't know. Doesn't even make sense. There's nothing that secretes any sort of liquid down there. What the hell? There's a gland back there. Or a cream pie. Wow.

Okay. Red band. Red band shoehorning dirt into the set. There is a gland back there. Dogs have it. Anyway, so, John, let's try to figure out one more thing uh why is it that you think uh have you come close to losing your virginity uh no not even close have you made out with a girl before i've done zero are you serious all right now i was sort of kidding when i asked for a volunteer to fuck this guy backstage.

But is there by any chance one woman out there that's willing to come up here and give this guy a real fucking kiss for the first time in his life? You? Come on up here real quick. Give this fucking guy a kiss. Oh, here we go. Keep them coming. That was all right. That was a little fucking peck. Tony, Keep them coming. That was all right. That was a little fucking peck.

Tony, keep them coming. There was three of them. We got a second girl. That's the girl right here. Right here. Come on. We need somebody to give this guy a real fucking kiss right now. Hey!

Wow! A shout out to all you ladies that just did that. Wow. And that is how you play the game, Vancouver! That is the most rock and roll shit I've ever seen in my life. I've never even had that. My God, Sean. You're gonna have to explain to your dad at work tomorrow

why you have full-blown herpes. Oh, my god. How do you feel right now? You're completely erect. This is very exciting. His hand's out of his pocket because it has to be right now. There's no room in his pocket. No more room near his left pocket. All I have to say is thank you.

Seymour's asshole is soaking wet right now. Can I just say, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Sean, how do you feel, dude? This is the best day of my life. Welcome to the family. There he is. Sean Platt, everybody. There he goes.

And I'll tell you right now, Vancouver and Portland are, as of right now, neck and neck! Wow. So nervous he doesn't know how to get off the stage. Holy shit. Wow. And if one of those girls wants to fuck him tonight, please report to us, and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

I mean, really. Again, I'll say it again. To those ladies that came up here, you're all fucking rock stars. You get it. You get it. Thank you. Is that... Is that how easy dating is? We should start to make this a dating

show now. Yeah. Let's change the format of the show at the peak of our success. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet, huh? Put your hands together for your next comedian, Daniel Simmons. Here we go. Daniel Simmons. I think that might be him right here.

Oh, no. There's another one. Okay, it's this guy. Here he is, Daniel Simmons, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, that guy was lucky. Dope. Hey, everybody. So, unfortunately, my ex-girlfriend, she broke up with me to become a Jehovah's Witness.

And if you don't know much about Jehovah's Witnesses, they don't believe in celebrating any holidays, including your birthday. Which, you know, kind of makes me feel like shit, because you'd rather spend a life without Christmas than be with me. Now, as a balding man, I'm always on the lookout for like a really cheap haircut.

So luckily, in my neighborhood, I have a barbershop called Baghdad Amir. And at Baghdad Amir, you can get a haircut for six Canadian dollars. Now, like an idiot, the first time I went in there, I didn't realize at this price, obviously it's cash only. So I go in there, I sit down, I get my shave, pretty simple. I go to pay and I don't have any money on me like an idiot. So Baghdad Amir, I'm assuming, is the guy. He says to me, it's okay, man. This one is on us.

So his haircuts are so cheap, he's literally giving them away. Thank you. There you go. If you didn't hear the cat, maybe you heard the bear. Everyone. One's loud and one wasn't. How you doing, Daniel? Doing great. Hell yeah. You look

fantastic. You nervous right now? Your nipples are hard as rocks. Do you know that? Don't worry. It's okay. I'll stand this way. No, you can show them off. Fucking stand up straight. Show those proud fucking babies. Hell yeah.

Why don't you move the microphone stand? Always take the microstand back, guys, when you're on stage. Put it behind you. At this point, it's pretty much not. Man, look at all the jizz all over the floor from John Platt's performance earlier. Oh, Jesus. That's incredible. I missed the party. Hell yeah.

Daniel, so good to see you. I haven't seen you since one hour into the movie Forrest Gump. That's what you look like. You look like Tom Hanks a little bit. Has anyone ever told you that before? I've never had that one, no. No?

What have you gotten? What do people tell you you look like? Otheranks a little bit. Has anyone ever told you that before? I've never had that one, no. No? What have you gotten? What do people tell you you look like? Other than a pedophile. He has more of a Richard Dreyfuss quality to me. Yeah. When I used to have hair, they said that I looked like the guy from that 70s show.

Tide, I think it was. Ashton Kutcher? Wow, what happened? Tony? Johnny? Yes? This guy's forehead is huge. I've heard of forward thinking, but this is ridiculous. There's just no hair there.

So, Daniel, how long have you been doing stand-up? That was my first time. First time? I can't tell you. It's exciting. Are you planning on taking all that court along with you? Are you going to go home with that? I'm trying to steal it.

First time ever. Very fucking cool. How old are you, Daniel? I am 33. 33. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point? You know, a lot of screwing around. What did you say? A lot of screwing around. What did you say? A lot of

screwing around. Screwing around? Doing what? What have you been screwing around doing? I play music. Yeah, what kind of music do you play? I'm an accompanist. What instruments do you play? Mostly keyboards. Mostly keyboards. Anything else? I mean, I've dabbled in the... I play trumpet. Ah, trumpet. Very good. I like your style. Very cool, Daniel. How about you?

Have you ever... You have a girlfriend? I do not. No? When's the last time you went on a date? I have the feeling every guy now is going to be like, I haven't even kissed a girl today. I don't know if you can help at all.

I've never had anal. It's been a while. Since the last breakup, I've been single for about a year. The last breakup was about a year ago. The last breakup sounds like a romantic comedy that I'll be watching this summer. All right. So your last breakup,

how long were you with her for? Two years. Why did it end? Well, this one... Ooh, this one. Welcome to another episode of This One with Daniel Simmons. What was up with her, Daniel?

Well, there was the Jehovah's Witness girl that I mentioned. Uh-huh. So that was kind of a religious thing. That was quite interesting, that experience. Uh-huh. Was she like, knock, knock, and you're like, who's there? And she's like, your future girlfriend.

Jehovah's Witness, they go door to door. Is this not a learned crowd? I got it. Was that the last one? The last one was the Jehovah's Witness one? It wasn't, actually, no. So I'm asking you how the last one? The last one was the Jehovah's Witness one? It wasn't actually, no. I'm asking you how the last one ended. Then I dated an opera singer

for two years. Professional opera singer? She was just finishing her master's degree, so she was semi-pro. Damn. It ended why? It was one of those things where first year was good, pro. Damn. And it ended, why? It was one of those things where we, first year was good,

and then the second year, you start to get to know each other a little better, and it was like... What did you get to know about her that turned you off? I don't want to throw her under the bus, because she was actually quite nice. Yeah, well, she's not listening, and she's not here. Perfect. So she was actually kind of mean.

We don't know who she is I'm not asking you for her name and social security number do you guys even have social security numbers here? no of course not oh no we just tell who you are by you stick your left hand in your pocket and we read your palm

read your palm from the outside of your left hand pants so so Daniel can you tell us one thing that you couldn't stand about your ex-girlfriend? Just out of curiosity. You seem like such a nice guy. The fact that you're struggling with this so bad, whether you want to say anything or not, makes me want to keep asking you more.

No, but I think it plays into that because I like to just have a good time and day-to-day just be positive, have fun. And yeah, she was a little negative, a little mean-spirited. Can you give us an example of a time she was mean-spirited to you? Just one example. Well, you know, I'd go over to her apartment and

she lived a fair commute away, so I'd take the time to go over there and then when I got there, I'd be like, hey! How's it going? And what would she be like? She'd just kind of give me this look like hey oh my god that's very scary I just pictured your head making that face on a woman's body and I'd be I'd want to break up with that too Daniel any anything else interesting about you you seem you seem like that we're missing something here I feel like you have a secret hobby. Is there something

crazy that turns you on sexually that we'd be surprised to know? By the way you keep gathering up that cord, I'm guessing you like auto-erotic asphyxiation? Asphyxiation. Asphyxiation. Do you like choking?

Being choked? What are you into? Honestly, I'm not because I bruise easily, so I'd be walking around with finger marks on my neck., I'm not because I bruise easily. So I'd be walking around with finger marks on my neck. How do you know that you bruise easily? Because I bump into something and it ends up being a bruise. Really? Have you ever been boxed by a guy

that collects boxing DVDs? Hopefully not, no. That guy would bruise the shit out of you, dude. Can I hit you and leave a bruise? Is that okay? Sure, let's do it. Wait, where do you want to hit me? No, it's okay.

I'm not going to do that. Wait, what? It seems like a good idea until you have a stroke or something like that. Then I'll feel bad. Well, Daniel, fuck yeah, man. Do you have any pets? I feel like you have a rat or something like that. No, no pets. No guinea rat or something like that. No pets. No guinea pig or something fucking weird?

No, man. Single apartment with nothing in it. You live by yourself. Nothing's in your apartment. Literally, no. Do you have a DVD player or a Blu-ray? Neither. So when you say you have nothing in your apartment, what do you mean? What is in your apartment exactly? I keep it minimal. So it's like kitchen, bed, keyboards. Keyboards.

Yeah. How many keyboards do you have? How many keyboards do you have, Daniel? In my apartment itself, I probably have three at the moment. Oh my God. Keyboard, keyboards are his nickname for dead women. Have you ever thought about killing a woman

before, Daniel? No, of course not, Tony. Oh, my God. Holy shit. First time I've gotten a straightforward answer from him. It makes me think he's fucking lying. He's a little cowboy with that little cord right now. Look at him. Yeehaw.

A little lasso, huh? You ever tried suffocating using a pillow instead? Suffocating? Yeah. Yeah. Suffocating. Suffocating. Suffocating.

That's how you pronounce it, right? Suffocating. Suffocating. Yes. I wish I was freakier so I could be answering these better. You're pretty freaky. I'm gonna let you go. There he goes. Daniel Simmons, everybody. There goes Daniel.

These buckets are so cool. It really is. We love buckets on this show. Yeah. Pulled another name out. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

That's always fun. It's always a good thing. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. That's a very high negativity ratio. There's a very high negativity ratio. There's a girl that literally left her seat to jump up and be like, yeah. I like this fucking crowd.

You guys are fired up here. It's been a long time coming, Vancouver. Shout out to the balcony. Hell yeah. Look at those guys up there. Fuck yeah. Look at those goddamn animals. I think we did pretty good here tonight.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Alexander Eckhart. Alexander Eckhart. Here he comes. Here he comes. Wow. Here he is. One more time. Yo, what's up. One more time for Alexander Eckert. Yo, I think it's kind of crazy, these abortion bans that they're passing in Alabama.

You know what I'm saying? You know, my girlfriend's kind of religious, and I'm worried that she might not be pro-abortion. But it doesn't really matter, though, because when it comes to abortion, I'm not really pro either. I'm more of an amateur. Something about me is that I spent a year living in South Korea and something you might not know about South Korea is that the viewing of pornography is completely illegal. So that's right. You're looking at an international criminal mastermind. You know, I think it's kind of bold for porn videos to have a share button. Like you're gonna watch a porn video and you're gonna be like,

Oh yeah, Karen from accounting would totally like this. Send it in the email chain to Karen and then she sends it to her nephew on Facebook and then the whole video goes viral. The problem is when I think of viral pornography, I think of something completely different. Fuck yeah. Alexander Eckhart. Yo, what's up? Heck yeah. How are you, man?

Yo, I'm doing fucking awesome, man. I love it. I might kill Tony. I love it. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow. I'm actually really Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow. I'm actually really surprised about that. Where's the sheep? Has it been all first times tonight so far? So far, yeah.

Wow. Four for four. I'm honestly very surprised that's your first time. I thought for sure about a year or two at least of experience. Oh, my gosh. You came out just straightforward, just fucking with your material, very confident. You've been practicing hard? A little bit, yeah. Yeah? Who do you

practice in front of, or how do you practice? I just say it over and over in my head. You say it over and over again in your head. Fuck yeah. Look at you. Look at you. You're like a young Tucker Carlson. Has anyone ever told you that before? No, I haven't heard that one, no. I've never told you that before? No, I haven't heard that one.

I've never told anybody that before, so it's perfect. We're a perfect, we got a perfect match going on. I like it. So your first time ever on stage and you're already dressing like retired Jay Leno. How about this? How about this? Is that your Jay Leno impression? Do it again. Did you hear about this?

Did you hear about this? Did you hear about this? What other impressions do you know how to do? No, that's it. Come on. There must be something. Here, I'll do one if you do another one. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I don't ever talk about this, but the one impression that I know how to do is actually of Princess Leia when she goes to save Harrison Ford after he's been frozen in carbonite. And she goes in with that robot helmet on, and she's like, Relax, you have been frozen in carbonite. Your vision will soon come back. You are temporarily blinded. It's better without the microphone.

I've never done it in a while. That's awesome. Makes my friends laugh. And you want me to follow that, or is that just an excuse to do that impression? Give us an impression. Okay, I was doing Lois Griffin griffin peter you're right you can't do impressions but i can't really either i can't blame you alexander so uh first time on

stage yeah you're uh 29 close 27 27 and uh what do you do I do customer support for a tech company in Victoria. Oh, in Victoria. Customer support. Is it a famous tech company? Nope. What kind of tech is it? So it's Victoria's Secret. Like, uh... Like, uh...

I don't even... like, auditing software. It's not interesting. Wow. Damn. Fuck lighting software, am I right? Yeah. Okay. Don't even get me started.

So, Alexander, when you're not doing the software stuff, what have you been doing for fun? I like to do a lot of things. I was recently in New York, and I saw you in West Nyack in that fucking mall. Oh, wow. You saw me what? Do stand-up or kill Tony? Yeah, stand-up. I saw the stand-up show.

Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah. I saw a side to Brian Redband I've never seen before. What did I do? I don't know. Just said a lot of disgusting shit, like more disgusting than this show. Oh, my set. It was amazing.

You saw him do stand-up comedy. Exactly, yeah. You have no idea what Red Band is capable of. So, Alexander, other than that one night in West Nyack, what have you been doing for fun? Like, what do you do for fun regularly? Do you have any hobbies or anything? Yeah, I live in Vancouver Island.

Are you in Vancouver Island? Oh, yeah, fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yesterday I was taking some mushrooms and golfing. That was really fun. Oh. That's what we do in Vancouver Island, right? I don't understand. What does that have to do with the island?

You can do that anywhere. Oh, yeah, true. Well, Vancouver Island's really beautiful, I think. And there's mushrooms everywhere. Really? Oh, yeah. You just eat the mushrooms that are laying around the island? Yeah, kind of, yeah.

You mean you can buy mushrooms easily? Yeah, and they actually grow on the university. People grow them on the university grounds. How many mushrooms, how much mushrooms did you eat yesterday? A small amount. I had to golf. Like, golfing on mushrooms is tough. Who were you golfing with? Friends? Yeah, my roommate, my buddy, yeah. You golf with your roommate? Yeah.

How long have you guys been roommates? He's a new roommate. He just started this month, yeah. You golf with your roommate? Yeah. How long have you guys been roommates? He's a new roommate. He just started this month, yeah. He just started this month? He's got to live with me. Kind of weird. Wait, what? He's got to live with me.

It's tough, yeah. He just started his sentence this month. Why do I feel like you live in a one-bedroom? Yeah, yeah. They never left their one-bedroom apartment. They just ate mushrooms and they're like, man, that golfing was amazing today. I got a wormhole in one.

Wow. So did you play nine holes or 18? Nine, nine, yeah. Nine, nine, yeah. Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine. Oh, Jesus, Alexander. I'm in Vancouver. So do you do that a lot?

You eat mushrooms and golf? Yeah, it's a pretty good time. It's a pretty good time, yeah. So you do that often. What else? What else do you do, Alexander? I like to bike. I like to play board games.

I like to... Ooh, board games. Board games. What's your favorite board game? Have you ever had your dick sucked while playing Scrabble? Jesus. Seymour. I've never done that.

I've never done that. Someone want to come up? It's not how it works. What's your favorite board game? Favorite board game. It will sound really nerdy, but this game called Tyrants of the Underdark. Oh, my God. Jesus.

Yeah, Joel Berg knows what's up. Sorry. Do you watch Doctor Who? No. Loser. Are there any more nerdy things that you think you can compete with these guys as an actual? Oh, yeah. Tell us more nerdy things about you. you can compete with these guys as an actual? Oh, yeah. Tell us more nerdy

things about you. Magic the Gathering. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fuck that. What else, Alexander? Talk about commitment to character. Come on. Alexander, stick with me over here. The only double Ds I've ever seen are Dungeons and Dragons.

No, but I dabble. I dabble. I dabble. Pokemon. Okay. I dabble. Pokemon. Okay. I guess we're just all naming board games now. All right, Alexander. How about you? What's your love life like? Are you like everybody else out here,

and you got fucking a full ball sack of cum right now? I'm a virgin. No. I have a girlfriend. Yeah, I have a girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, you have a girlfriend. Yeah. I have a girlfriend, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, you have a girlfriend, yeah. You have a girlfriend, yeah. How long have you been with her? Like five years, probably. Wow. Jesus. All right. What does she do? She's a neuroscientist.

Damn. Look at you. Wow. She must... All right. Oh, shit. I'm watching you, Joe. A lot of physical stuff happening. Oh, whoops. Off of the neuroscientist thing. Oh, shit. I'm watching you, Joe. A lot of physical stuff happening.

Oh, whoops. Off of the neuroscientist thing. Chill, chill. Wardrobe malfunction. Sorry. Okay. Okay, Seymour. So, Alexander, neuroscientist.

She make good money, huh? Not really. She gets scholarships. She must give good head, money, huh? Not really. She gets scholarships. She must give good head though, right? Does she give good head? Of course. Oh, okay. Well, Alexander,

you're a fun guy. Anything else we should know about you before you go? I'm from Calgary, Alberta, where I know you've been to a couple times. Yeah! Yeah, fuck you, Vancouver! I know, yeah.

Had to make me hate me a little bit. You like being the bad guy, don't you? Oh, why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah, look at you. My God. You look like some form of more Canadian Jim Brewer of some kind. You do look like a Jim Brewer. That's good.

You look like the Shaw puppet if you went to college. All right, we're going to get you out of here. There he goes, Alexander Eckhart. Thank you, everybody. Hey. We're going to get you out of here. There he goes. Alexander Eckhart, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Hey. What song was that? Will you kill that bug?

She blinded me with science. By Thomas Dolby? Does anybody know that one? That's a good question. How many of you would like to see Jeremiah try to kill this bug right now that's been flying around? Jeremiah, here you go. You could probably use the top of this lid. Oh, there it is.

Shout out to Laminart. The assistant manager, Chris Dawson, is responsible for this. You want to use this? You could like swat at it. But don't let it fly out of your hands. There it goes. The fly is flying around. All right.

It's now gone off the stage. Oh, it's playing with you. There we go. Oh, it's back here, Jeremiah. You lost it. It's right there in the middle. Oh, so close. Oh, he's freaking out.

Did you get it? Is it between your hand and the thing? Hey, it looks like you got it, dude. I think you may have gotten it. Oh, you guys see it? Who's got eyes on this thing? This is one of the greatest moments in podcast history right now. Jeremiah's trying to kill a fly. It's right here, Jeremiah, right here. I'll keep my finger on it if you lose it. Here we go. Whoa! So close. It's right here. It's right on top.

It's on top of Tony's head. Oh, there you go. All right. He's made his way off the stage. I believe this fly may have... Whoa, it's right in front of him. Oh, he's talking shit, Seymour. Seymour!

You gonna get me? You gonna get me? You gonna get me? You gotta get this fucking thing. Seymour, what are you gonna do? Pet it? It's right there. This thing is made for show business.

I'll tell you right now. Oh, it's fucking. It's like it knows your range. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Jeremiah. Jeremiah is really trying. Here it is. Jeremiah, it's right here. Look, look, look.

It's eye level. Wow. Red band has now gotten into the chase. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Here it comes. Here it comes again. All right. Well, let's get back to the show. And let's get back to the show. And I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. If anybody that gets pulled out of the bucket is able to kill this fly while still being able to perform stand-up and not missing a beat,

then you win the night. So, oh, my God, it's right there. Look at this fucking thing. Oh, my God. It's just fucking with us at this point. Right in the light. Straight down the middle. He's had my attention since the beginning of the show. And it's been sitting right here the whole time.

Oh my god. It's right here. Ah, you motherfucker. It's so good. Who sent this? Did the fighter and the kid send this fly to this podcast? Did Joe Rogan send this fly to this podcast? Did Joe Rogan send this fly? Alright.

Let's get back to the show. Put your hands together for your next comedian. And if the fly flies over your head, try to kill it. And I'll eat it. Oh, is that true? No shit, Sherlock. Okay, that wasn't a clear answer.

Yeah, that was not. Yes, I'll eat it. Bring it up. I'll eat a fly if you kill it. There you go. Very good. Now it's worth it. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nolan V, everybody.

Nolan V. Wow, here he comes, right from the third row. One more time for Nolan V, everyone. one more time for Nolan V everyone have you guys ever heard of this sexual activity known as edging two people okay

well it's where a guy fucks a chick and he tries to last as long as possible before ejaculating but if you're anything like me if you're anything like me, if you're anything like me, all sex is edging. All of it. I mean, I wear condoms. And I don't wear them for birth control.

I don't wear them to prevent STDs. I wear them for stamina and endurance. It's a real good tip. When I was younger, my father gave me some advice. He told me, young boy, remember, always stay in your own lane. Later in life, I realized he was teaching me the ultimate drinking game.

That's some drunk driving humor. Thank you. There you go, Nolan V. Nolan V, welcome to the show. Thank you. How you doing? Good, good. Good.

How long have you been an undercover Mountie? Well, I don't want you to bust my cover. Oh, so wacky. Nolan, first time doing stand-up? Yes, yes. Very good. Another first-timer. We're 100% first-timers tonight.

Doing nothing but popping cherries and watching flies. I love it. So, Nolan, tell us more about you. What else, dude? Look at yourself. I mean, you're a fucking little, what we would call a Canadian fucking stud of some kind. There you go. You hear that cricket?

You know what that means. I play in a 30-plus men's baseball league. What? Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Sorry. I play in a 30-year-old plus men's baseball league. A 30-year-old plus men's baseball. What? Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Sorry, I play in a 30-year-old plus men's baseball league. A 30-year-old plus men's baseball league. So it's just 30 and older, any age over that?

Exactly, exactly. So what do you do? You just fucking ball all over 70-year-olds? No, no, but we do have a guy that's 50 on our team, yeah. Wow. What position do you play, shortstop? No, no, I'm a catcher, but more like a bullpen catcher. Ah, bullpen catcher.

Yeah, I'm like a locker room guy. We had a guy catch herpes earlier tonight. Yeah. Do you have herpes? No, not that I know of. No, this guy, I mean, it seems like his catchphrase is, I wear a condom. That's true.

Yeah. Have you ever not worn a condom one time in your life? No, no, I wear a condom. That's true. Yeah. Have you ever not worn a condom one time in your life? No, no, I have. Yeah? Like on a one night stand or something like that? No, no. Definitely not. No. How long do you have to be with a girl before you go no condom? What's the Canadian way? Probably five years or something

like that? As long as yeah, I don't know. Five years is more than enough, yeah. What's about your limit? What do you say? A couple weeks, a few months? Like I said, I use it to prolong the whole experience, so I try to go usually all the time. Right, what do you do for work? I'm a commercial fisherman. Commercial fisherman, wow. Like, what are we talking about? Salmon or salmon? Yep, salmon, herring, sardines. Have you ever caught something completely crazy, like a dolphin?

No, no, no. I don't know. You catch all kinds of weird stuff. Like what? What's one of the weirdest things you ever brought in on a hook before? Well, one time there was a huge whale that was in our net. And I don't know if he, like, puked, but he, like, let up all this, like, a huge whale that was in our net, and I don't know if he, like, puked, but he, like, let up all this, like, rotten fish,

and it came up, and it just stunk so bad. It was gnarly, yeah. Wow. And then he jumped over our corks and got out of the net. Wow. Were you going to let him out? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he would just rip through the net if we didn't. What's the longest fishing trip you've ever been on? Like, what's the longest you've been out there on a commercial boat? Like two months. Two months? Wow. And that's basically two months with just what, all dudes, right? Yeah, yeah.

No, but we'd come to shore and stuff. So we'd be like, you know, working and on the boat, never going home, sleeping on the boat for about two months. I don't do that too much anymore, though. Why is that? Well, that was during prawn, and I don't fish prawns anymore. Why don't you fish prawns anymore? Because it's two months straight. Is it true that shrimping ain't easy?

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Prawns are hard. Did you work your tail off? Yeah. I never got invited to prawn Whoa Very good I like your style

Every good fisherman needs his bait You catch one of those flies We're going fly fishing tonight buddy It's me and you Nolan Wow Any crazy things ever happen out on those boats i mean you guys get drunk while working and stuff like that ever um no i don't like to but uh sometimes you don't really know when it's gonna open and uh when what's gonna open oh like the season so we'll be standing by. Right. Sometimes it'll be like, oh, it's opening tonight.

And some of the guys have had, you know, a little too much at dinner. So we kind of prolong the whole process a bit. The process? Before we start. Yeah. The process. I love it. That's so fun.

What do your parents do? Well, actually, it's a family thing. So my dad was a fisherman as well. Uh-huh. Your mom was a fisherman as well? A fisherwoman. Is that true? No, no, no, it's a family thing, so my dad was a fisherman as well. Your mom was a fisherman as well? A fisherwoman. Is that true? No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah. Your horny fisherman mom. Let's talk about it. Are they still together, your mom and your dad? Yes, they are. It was just their anniversary, I don't know, like four days ago. Fuck yeah. Tony.

It was 39 years. Did you guys do something special? They're in Arizona, so it was just a phone call. I'm going to check in with Lemmy over here. I was just going to say they call female fishermen hookers. Ah, yeah. Is your mom a hooker? No.

That's a good one. So you said your parents are in Arizona. Is that where you're originally from? Sorry, sorry. Are you originally from Arizona? No, no, no. Why are they in Arizona? I don't know.

They enjoy it. They go down there quite a bit. They just go down there and stay for a bit and then come back? Yeah, yeah. I go down there once a year. I check spring training out when I go down. Ah, you check out spring training. And that's exciting for you

because you play in a 30 and older baseball league. Exactly. You ever drop that? You ever brag to any of the pro ball players? Like, oh, yeah, I play too up in Canada with 30-year-olds and older. No, no. I haven't had the opportunity.

Did you ever see Brody Stevens down there at the Spring Chain? In Arizona? Yeah. No, but a big fan. Enjoy it. Tell us more about yourself, Nolan. Love life? You got one?

Yeah, I've been with the same girl for over 10 years now. Over 10 years? You're not married, though? No, not married. Why is that? I don't know. People still get married nowadays. I guess so, yeah.

But is there a reason why you don't? Yeah, I don't know. I agree. Thanks, Red Band. Uh-huh. Is there a reason why? When you're relating to Red Band that hardcore, you're not a good person.

What does she do? What does your lady do? She works in insurance. What kind of insurance? Like ICBC. What the fuck is ICBC? Oh my god, everybody relax. I don't even know what you're booing about.

Oh my god. Alright, you keep booing. I'm going to try to find this fly and kill it. There it is over there. It's over there. So why is everyone so upset about this? What is ICBC? Explain it to us.

ICBC is like insurance for your vehicles. And in BC... Guys. Shut up. We don't understand. Well, answer this. Why are they booing? Because here it's almost like a monopoly.

It's run by the government. So you're forced to only get insurance through ICBC. So people are upset about that. Did somebody get free insurance? Oh my god. My goodness. It does sound like a monopoly. In fact, I think the last comedian loves that game.

Board games. Wow. Nolan, how do you keep things in the relationship spicy and fun? How do you keep things in the relationship spicy and fun? You have any special fisherman tricks in the bedroom? You ever just put fishing wire from just like a foot above the ground and when she comes in the bedroom, she falls and you're like, gotcha. No, no, I've never done that.

You ever put a live fish in her and see her come? No. What? All good ideas. Red band? What the? You've never put... It's nature's vibrator, guys.

You ever put fish in her and watch her cum? Yeah, it's a... Nature's vibrator is an earthquake, you idiot. All right, Nolan. Well, you caught yourself perhaps a new hobby or a pastime here tonight by starting stand-up comedy. Did it go how you thought it would go? You feel good about it?

I don't know. My heart's about to pound out of my chest. Let me ask you one last thing. You talked about edging. Is that a real thing? Yes. What is it again? It's when a guy tries to hold back on coming

and prolong living on the edge. Prolong the whole experience. I used to do it. And then what? And then I guess once you finally go, it feels better. I've been edging for 17 years. Same. Alright, there he goes, Nolan V. Let's get somebody

else up here. One more time for Nolan, everybody. How about one more time for his wife that works at ICBC, huh? So ridiculous. That's crazy. We never hear about that. I thought about that earlier, about how like, you don't ever, we don't ever, we have too much news in America to ever have any idea what the fuck's, find

out what's wrong with Canada. Like, we just never would, like, we literally all had no idea what the fuck you guys were talking about. But there you go. That's like, this is how you find out our news. You just get it straight from the source here in Canada. All right.

This is a one-word name. Put your hands together for Mohan, everybody, or Mojan, perhaps. Mojan? We got a Mojan coming. Oh, I think it's a lady. Here we go. Hey. She'll kill that insect.

Here she is. Mojan, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus. Oh, you're so much scarier from this angle. Hi, I'm Mojan. I recently found out that I have IBS at the risk of being unattractive. at the risk of being unattractive. So basically means 90% of all food makes you bloat up like a gaseous whale carcass.

It's really gross. Or makes you really constipated. I'm a lucky lady that has the type that puts a lot of mileage on your asshole. It's not really fun yeah that's all I really had to say Mojan everybody motherfucking Mojan, everybody. Motherfucking Mojan. Hell yeah.

Welcome to the show. There's a lot going on here. For those of you listening to the podcast, Mojan is... Seymour, can you help me out here? Yeah, um, she is hot. She talked about poop and buttholes, and I think that Red Band's imagination is on the loose right now.

My goodness. I don't even know if we even see her. I think Red Band, I think this is, like like his Captain Planet that he somehow summoned her here. You know, I can get a discount at Manscaped. Okie dokie, Red Band. I'll take over on this one, I guess. So Mojan, welcome to the show. First time doing stand-up?

Yes. Heck yeah. And you've already built quite the body of work for yourself. Thank you. It's exciting. And is that on purpose? This look of like, you're just like, I'm gonna show everyone my ass here tonight and talk about it

and we'll see how it goes. I mean, it is amazing. You're very well built. Okie dokie. I mean, you're the one that talked about your asshole, Mojan. You're really putting us on the spot here. I mean, you're the one that talked about your asshole, Mojan. You're really putting us on the spot here. I mean, poor Seymour's asshole is wetter than Nolan V on a fishing trip right now. I haven't even seen her face yet. I've only seen the butt.

I mean, you look like you go to the gym and only do squats. Is this true? Are you born that way? Yeah, actually. Really? I was born this way. Oh my god, and people talk, people Such a monster. Isn't that crazy that your IBS comes out of that? That's so insane.

Tony, uh. I'm calling BS on this. Go ahead, uh, Lenny. Tony, uh, she said her butthole gets a lot of mileage, so you date mostly black lives, or? Where the rubber meets the road. Is that true? You have a preference in type of guys or gals,

or what are you into, Mojan? Honestly, I date only white guys. Only white guys. Not on purpose. Boo. Hello, hello, hello. Is that by choice? Have you ever had a black guy hit on you before?

I mean, this is Vancouver. I don't know if there are any here. So we'll probably talk about it. Yes, I've had a black guy hit on me. But you're into white guys specifically. What ethnicity are you? I'm Persian. Persian?

Yes. Hell yeah. Man, you must have quite the rug. Manscaped.com. Slash Kill Tony. Wow. So your parents, they're Persian. What do they do?

What do we got? An Uber driver and what are they. What do they do? We got an Uber driver and what are they? What do they do? My dad owns a chain of hair salons. That's Persian. Does your mom work at them? She works the front desk at one

of them? She does. Booyah! That's Persian. Welcome to another episode of Now That's Persian with your host, Tony Hinchcliffe. Now that's Persian. Your mom works the front desk and all the white guys work the back. So Mojan, I haven't gotten to ask you, how old are you? I'm 29.

29. What do you do for work? I'm an entrepreneur. Oh, entrepreneur. Hell yeah. Working on a lot of those back-end deals, huh? You know what I'm saying? Hello! Seymour. Hashtag unemployed. Is there

a business that you own, or did you invent something? Yeah. Oh, I wish I invented something. I'm a business consultant, so I just give advice for money. So, for example, what's something that you've helped a business do or something like that? What's some good advice that you've given? Oh, it's a lot of process building and standard operating procedures, which sounds boring. Wow.

But I really like it. Oh, my goodness. So, what did you study in school? How long did you go to school or whatever? I went to school for two years at BCIT, and I studied marketing and entrepreneurship. Two years, and now you're an entrepreneur. Yeah. Sounds pretty fucking amazing.

Yeah, that's pretty great. You make good money doing that? I do. Really? Yeah. Enough to survive. You're just an entrepreneur, and that's it? You don't do anything else?

You don't ever go sweep hair at Daddy's salon? No, I've left that far behind me. No, I've left that far behind me. What? I've left that far behind me. You've left a lot far behind you. For those of you listening to the podcast, Seymour is sitting in a puddle of butt water right now. For some reason, he really

does get turned on. He leaks out of his butt. Zamojan, tell us more about you. What do you like to do? What do you like to do for fun or whatever? I like to smoke weed and do stuff outside. You like to do stuff outside? Hell yeah.

I'd probably like to do stuff outside, Hell yeah. I'd probably like to do stuff outside too if I had a beanbag built in to my backside. I'd go sit at the park. I'd go sit on bus stops. Look at her shoes. Those are crazy shoes. Oh, those are Persian Air Jordans right there.

They're called Hair Jordans. The Air Jordan Rivers. Hey, very good, Lenny. Wow, wow, what are those? Is that some kind of a workout shoe, or do you just wrap ace bandages around your feet like a homeless person? What are those?

Oh, they're called furoshikis. They're from that weird toe shoe brand, Vibram. Wow, you just said a bunch of fucking Persian words. We don't know what you're talking about here. No, I've never worn shawarma pitas on my feet before. I don't know what you're talking about. Shawarma pitas. Yeah, they look like little shawarma pitas.

Heck yeah, you like shawarma, right? Well, no, I can't eat it. You can't eat it? No, everything makes me shit. Oh. So what can you eat?. You can't eat it? No, everything makes me shit. Oh. So what can you eat? What do you mostly eat? Mostly I've just been eating meat because I can't eat much else.

Oh, my goodness. It's like carrots, meat, plantains. Wow. What happens if you have a milkshake? Yeah. Can you give us an example? Okay, there you go. There's your one.

There it goes. There goes the fart board, everybody. Red band. Red band. But seriously, though, can you give us an example? Like on a timeline, let's say we went to McDonald's right now and literally had a large shamrock shake, but you have to chug it all at once, right?

And then we walk out. So what happens then? How long until we start seeing or hearing or smelling the effects of what would happen to you? Well, I would probably make sure that you wouldn't see, hear, or smell anything. But I would probably leave in like half an hour. Half an hour. You'd be like, all right, bye guys. Yeah.

That's it. It's the worst. And then how long on the toilet does that last? It's just like multiple times in the bathroom. Like I'm in the bathroom like five or six times a day. Wow. Whoa. What is that?

I accidentally hit it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay, get rid of it. There you go. Tony. Was it worth it? Yeah. Tony, let me work it.

Put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Very good. Mojan, so do you currently have a boyfriend now? I do. Yeah? How long have you been with him? He's here? Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. Two years. Two years. So he knows all about your IBS. Yeah, he does. So what's the deal? What do you guys have? Like a two-bathroom place

at all times or something like that? Is he German? What happens? Yeah. Have there been times where he's been around you? Joey, is he German?

No, he's not. He's not. Shit! Yeah. Scheisse. I didn't mean to say shit in front of you, sorry. Very good. So, do you have any close calls around him or anything like that?

Or it happens a lot? You have an aggressive case of IBS? It's not super aggressive, but one time I did shit my pants. With him? Yeah, I was trying to be... Yeah, I was trying to be... By the way, I think we finally found out why there's been a fly here this entire night. He's been waiting for Mojang.

Double whammy. Not only is she purging, but she also has shit in her pants. Little jam. I was going to say, her shoes look like she's going to grant Seymour three wishes but he already used them too for her butt alright I gotta go

Oh there goes Lenny just left everybody some type of oh because Persian genie or something like that I think I just got it after he left the entire stage Do you have a squatty potty? I do Redband Redband knows his fucking poop DNA through and through Do you have a squatty potty? I do. Hey, Red Band.

Red Band knows his fucking poop DNA through and through. Just like poop. All right, Mojan. Well, it was fun to hear from you. I hope that you come back. It was very compelling talks. Did you have fun up here? I did, but this is way scarier than I thought it was.

But I'll tell you this, is that you just had your first time up here? I did, but this is way scarier than I thought it was. I'll tell you this, is that you just had your first time up here, and it's not going to get this scary for a very long time. If you want to do it again, you know, just go to fucking open mics and work it out and have fun with it, and then it'll always be easier than this. You started here. This isn't easy. Look at

this crowd. They fucking love to watch people fail and they liked you. You guys like Mojan? There she goes, everybody. Mojan. There we go. If I had a million years, we're talking about Star Wars. We love

Star Wars. If I had a million years to guess I probably would never be able to guess Where the fuck Joel Jimenez just went In the middle of his show Alright Pulled another name out of the bucket Put your hands together for There he is, Lenny

Lenny, what the fuck did you just do? I don't want to talk about it. Okay. I have IBS. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Andrew Powell, everyone. Andrew Powell. Here he comes. Fuck yeah. Andrew

Powell. So I grew up in Saudi Arabia. So I got a lot of weird fucked up memories from that. One of them has left me with the most bizarre association ever between manual transmission cars and big black cocks. One day in 1997, 10-year-old me is on the school bus heading to school, completely normal day,

head against the window, zoned out. I'm sitting there with my headphones in, listening to Green Day Insomniac, when all of a sudden, a truck pulls up beside the school bus, and right into my undazed focus, like right where I'm glancing, is the cab of the truck. And I'm just sitting there thinking, why does... why does that car have two stick shifts? And why is one of them coming out of the middle of the seat and going to the top of the steering wheel?

And I realize pretty quickly right after that I'm looking at a big black dick. Five... Hell yeah. What the fuck? I have no idea what just happened. Canadian Adam Levine, explain yourself.

Right now. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you saying? Well, no, it leads to... I'm always scared any time I walk by a car that has a stick shift in it and I just glance at the stick shift part out of the corner

of my eye, I'm scared of seeing a big black dick. Do you think... This is a real thing. Driving to school one day I just saw it and I was stunned. Can I tell you something? You want to suck a big black dick.

That's what it sounds like to me. If every time you see a stick shift, you think of a big black dick, you need to put one in your butt ASAP. Is there any black people here? You need to put a black dick in your butt like Mojan has black stuff come out of her butt. Go ahead.

Like a cock. It's all you can see. Like a cock. Okie dokie. Wow. I mean. Okay. Commercial from the 80s.

Chaos this episode. The old Chevy commercial. Fuck yeah, Seymour. All right, Andrew. So where do you think this fear comes from? Because you saw one when you were a kid? Well, no, it's just like, well, I grew up in Saudi Arabia. Yeah, we heard that part.

Yeah. So why? I don't know. I just thought if I was going to come up here tonight, I'd tell the most fucked up story from my childhood. How did you see a black dick? What was a black dick doing in Saudi Arabia? No, no, no.

Okay. Yeah. Well, no. So I was sitting in the school bus. In Saudi Arabia? Yeah. Okay. I lived there.

I was driving to school one day in the school bus, head leaning against the window. A truck pulls up beside and the cab of the truck, my eyes were just pointed out the window. And you saw a stick shift and a black dick. I'm with you. I got that part. Why was there a dick out? What was the guy doing?

Nothing. How do you know it was a black dick? Because right after I snapped out of it and I was like, what the fuck? And I just saw this hammer. Right. So you think that a guy driving a truck in the morning time, Saudi Arabia had an erect black

penis. Out. You're positive of it. I'm as confused as you are. Believe me. How old were you? Like to this day I do not know why. He wasn't jerking off. It was just out. Do you sure you sure it wasn't his arm and he was holding an apple or something? No. Believe me, Brad

Van, I know. How old were you when you saw this? 10 years old. 10 years old. 1997. Think of you when you were 10. Think of how smart you are now, right? Now, rewind all the way back to 10. You really are positive that you saw a black

penis. Because when I looked up at his face he had the same shock confused look on his face as me he was just as stunned as I was how could he be stunned he's driving and there's a school bus like I mean how could he be surprised that there were people inside of a school bus he's the one with his dick out I mean you're 10 years old also. I don't remember shit from when I was 10.

Yeah. I don't think anyone remembers anything when they were 10. If you would have seen the size of this dick, you would have remembered it. Okay, okay. Andrew, let's talk about this for a second here. So now you have a fear of black dicks. Do you have any friends? No, no, no.

My fear is of manual transmission cars. Uh-huh. And I'll see a black dick. That's even less funny. Right. So let me ask you this. When you see black eyes, do you think of manual transmission cars? Does it go both ways?

No, no. It's only the one way, actually. Only one way. Interesting. How about automatic? Automatic, nothing at all. Even if it's a black automatic, what about the windshield wiper thing on the sides of the turn signals?

Does that give you flash blacks at all? Nope, nothing at all, man. No, none of it. How about when you see a black dick? What do you think then? That was the only time I've ever seen one, actually. What if you see a Prius? Is that a soft penis?

Like, what is... Okay, Red Band. Do you get a soft penis when you see a Prius? We all do. So, Andrew, what else? What do you do for work, buddy? I work as a production assistant in the film industry doing commercials. How long have you been doing that for?

I've been doing it for four and a half years. Four and a half years. You don't have any other jobs? You just do that? Yeah, like just did that. Didn't really take it too seriously for a while. Just kind of fucked around doing it. You work on anything we might recognize ever?

Any big productions that we might know about? Well, I got into just doing commercials because I like the schedules better. You ever work with ISBC or anything like that? No, no, no. I haven't done that. ICBC. ICBC? Yeah.

I like that. This is like the Canadian N-word. I love it. Tony, not to scare this guy, but I think we should shift gears. How long ago did you move from Saudi Arabia? Pardon me? How long ago did you move from Saudi Arabia? How old were you when you...

I lived there from when I was six until I was 12. I left there in 1999. And you haven't changed your clothes since. What, black jeans and a white jeans? Your shirt looks Arabian, idiot. What are some hobbies of yours, Andrew? We're trying to figure out more about you here. We know that you once lived in Saudi Arabia.

We got that part. What else? I play guitar. I like to produce a little bit of music, just like electronic music kind of stuff. Do you produce music? Do you ever sing on any of your tracks or anything like that? No, definitely not.

Just guitar? That's the only instrument that you ever play? Yeah, I wish I played drums, but I don't. I bet you do. I bet you do. I bet you do. Can you... Any other interesting fun facts about you, Andrew,

that you think we'd be interested to know? Anything interesting? Can you draw Muhammad for us? Muhammad Ali. Hey-o. Ling, ling, ling, ling, ling. No, didn't learn how to draw Muhammad. How about other things about you?

Other fun facts about you? Anything interesting about you? This is my first time doing anything like this. Yeah, we know that. I've actually made out with seven girls in one night, like that other dude earlier. Yeah, how'd you do that? Tell me how Canadian Jamie Kennedy made out with seven girls in one night.

Tony, in Saudi Arabia, you're a loser because they get 42 virgins. Were these women decapitated? Andrew, over here. So what happened that night with the seven women? No, a buddy of mine who went to, like, I went to public school, and a buddy of mine went to private school. And one time when we were in, like, this was grade nine, he invited me, like, to their high school dance and went there,

and they were just, it was just. You were the man? No, no, no, everyone else, like, all my friends, all made out with all these chicks, and it was just the most bizarre thing ever. And I don't know what's wrong with private school girls. Wow. Okay. So you're flexing. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm eating shit up here.

You're doing a high school flex right now? Bro, you peaked as a freshman? Cool guy over here. Damn, you just got called a nerd by a nerd. Yeah, because he tried to ruin that sweet moment that that man had earlier tonight. He's like, I've made out with seven girls in one night before.

Let me tell you about it. It was spring. I was, like, 15 years old. All right, Andrew. Well, we found out a lot about you. I'm sorry. I'm super nervous up here. I just love you guys so much.

Your guys' show is fucking awesome. Thank you so much. There you go. Andrew Powell, everybody. Andrew Powell. Thank you. Sweet dreams are made of these. Who am I to disagree

Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Yeah. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Adam Curry, everyone. Boom. The same guy's coming up again. Would step back from that ledge My friend

My friend Okay, let's call this one minute of true stories with Adam. Once upon a time, I had a girlfriend that thought she got pregnant from giving me a blowjob. I haven't come from a blowjob in 13 years out of being so terrified of not going to check up. A couple of weeks ago, I was on a date, and I gave this girl my phone, put on Spotify, and she hit shuffle, and it was Strippers and Gangsters by Too Short that came on.

Have you ever heard that one? It starts with, gotta get a bitch and get my dick stuck. The next song to come on, as soon as I hit skip was... Fuck. Adam Curry. Hello. How are you?

I don't know what to do with this hand, so I'm just going to... Yeah, I like that. Adam Curry just put his hand in Seymour's left pocket. I like your style, dude. Step away from the talent. Thank you. Look at you. Look at you with your little fucking wacky sense of humor.

Yeah. I like your style adam thank you um so you had a girlfriend that thought she could get pregnant from giving a blow job is that what you said she thought she got pregnant by giving me a blow job is that true it's a true story how long were you with this girl for i have not been with her for 13 years right and how long were you with her for uh It was about six months. Six months. How far into the relationship did she think she got pregnant from a blowjob?

It was about two weeks after we broke up. Two weeks after you broke up. She called you like, Adam, bad news. I think she was in the drugstore crying, being like, I'm going to buy a pregnancy test. What? Buy it. Fucking spit on the stick. Why did you say that?

Why did I say that? Yeah, on stage. I'm really fucking nervous, that's why. Did you have that written down? Because that's fucking hilarious. No, I did not have that written down, but I've thought about it a number of times. Your set was good, but you're killing during the interview part so far. It's incredible.

You snapped out of it after 60 seconds and just started killing, putting your hand in Jeremiah's pocket, telling her, yeah, bitch, spit on the stick. All of that's funny. You never had normal sex with her? She didn't have a reason to ever get scared? I was virgin up until that point.

You were virgin up until that point. I like how close he's standing to me still. Like, he could put his hand back in my pocket at any moment. The crazy thing is he naturally talks like your character, Seymour. I don't know if you noticed he's got pure nerd dialect, natural. Going along with this fucking

going along with this some type of... Nerds of a leather flock together. Heck yeah. Look at this guy. Like fucking, this is some kind of Canadian Tom Cruise up here. Thank you. So wacky. But like Tom Cruise,

if he was in like, what's that fucking movie where Leo fought the bear? Pitch Perfect 2? Yeah, Pitch Perfect 2. You're like Tom Cruise in Pitch Perfect 2. Absolutely. Tony loves that movie. So Adam, tell us more about you.

What do you do for work? Electrician. Really? My God. A lot of electricians here in Vancouver. Always one of the most exciting jobs to talk with someone about. A lot of virgins also. Yeah.

Are you still a virgin? No, not at all. I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. Say that again. What was the at all. I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. Say that again. What was the last part? I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. You have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. Wow.

Someone got a blowjob a little over five years ago. Yeah. My goodness. You have that stomach-lining, penetrating sperm. It was anal. My goodness. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. Wow, look at that. My goodness.

Hopefully it wasn't Mojan. Self-lubricating anal porn star Mojan. There's a lot of cream in that caramel macchiato. What, that's too much? I say IBS. everyone freaks out. Like I said, ICBC or something like that. How do you feel right now? I am fucking really nervous right now,

and it's fucking awesome. What else excites you? When Nell said you've been nervous, name another time in life that you did something in which you were nervous for. You a Canadian, some type of Canadian thrill seeker? Downhill mountain biking is probably the biggest adrenaline rush. Cool. Aside from this, yeah.

What else, Adam? What else do you do for fun? I play ice hockey. Really? Wow. Oh, my goodness. What position? Go Bruins.

Whoa. Oh, my God. This place is in shambles right now. Does Bruin work at ICBC or something? My goodness, that is incredible. So how long you played hockey for? Since I was like five years old. My goodness.

So you can like skate backwards and everything? Wow. Wow. I can. Hell yeah. What position are you on the hockey rink? I usually play lefty. Lefty.

Wow. They even book positions in hockey here. That's incredible. Such passion. Wow. So hockey. What else? You enjoy having a daughter?

I do. she's pretty awesome Yeah What do you guys do for fun? Four and a half years old, do you ever take her to the ice rink or anything like that? Yeah, I've taken her to the ice rink You skate backwards while holding her hands like a real dad and shit?

Wow, that's incredible Oh my god You ever put a finger in your daughter's penalty box? What the fuck? Yeah, I asked it. Yeah.

We do that here. Yeah, we're not gonna get our network... And you get upset about my little fart sounds. Well, yeah, that's because they don't get a reaction from the audience, Red Band.

Oh, yes, they do. I like how Red Band is the voice of reason right now. Very good. He believes you when you say things like that, by the way. So do you? Put your... There you go. Exactly. There you go. That's how comedy works. Roll with it, baby.

So Adam, what else about you? Anything else interesting that you think we should know before we send you on your way back to obscurity? This is my first time doing stand-up. First time doing stand-up. It's been all first-timers here tonight. This is an anomaly. How about one more time for Adam Curry, everybody?

There he goes. Thank you guys very much I appreciate it you got it buddy we'll see you on the way out I'm gonna spin this fucking thing around see if we can get something special up here is there any actual comedians from Vancouver that signed up

there's a bunch of them out there hi comedians maybe one of you guys will get pulled out next. Who fucking knows? Anything can happen. Everybody's on an equal playing field here in this game. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Mike Sauve. Here he is.

Right from the front row. What's up, guys? I like your energy, sir. I like your energy. So I'm a father. I have a six-year-old daughter. She's amazing. But, uh...

But... Yeah. But she bullies me sometimes. So the other day, I went to pick her up from school, and I'm like, how was your day, sweetie? She's like, no. I'm like, what? Come here, give dad a hug.

She's like, hug yourself. I'm like, sweetie, I thought we were friends. She's like, we're not friends. I have way more friends than you. That one hurt, because she does. Her birthday party had 20 kids at my house. Cost me $300. My birthday party, two people.

My ex and my Coke dealer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, cost me $300 yeah there you go waited out for the beer the beer Mike Sob welcome to the show my friend

how are you now you've been doing stand up for a little while a little while, right? A little while, yeah. About a year and a half. Yep. A year break in between. A year and a half. There you go. So we have someone with a little more experience up here. I could tell. Good quick jokes about your real-life stuff.

Tell us more about you, Mike. What do you do for work? Please say anything but electrician. Right now, I'm just growing a little bit of weed. Ah. Heck yeah. You can thank your local electricians for that. Yes.

How's that been going? Good for you? Yeah, I just do it for a friend. You just do it for a friend. What do you do for a living? Nothing right now, just that. Oh, so you have a friend that buys enough pot to... No, he grows it. I grow for him.

I take care of all the plants. So you're a farmer for him. I'm a farmer for him, yeah. Oh, well, there you go. Heck yeah. Farmers only. How long have you been doing that for? Just a few months.

A few months. What were you doing before that? Selling cars. Oh, really? Yeah. What kind of cars? Mitselling cars. Oh, really? Yeah. What kind of cars? Mitsubishi. Oh, my goodness.

That's so interesting. Why did that end? That ended because I got in a bad car accident and got a concussion. Oh, and then you couldn't sell cars anymore? Yeah, I was fucked up for like a year. That's why I took a break from comedy, too. Wow. Were you driving a Mitsubishi?

I was. A Mitsubishi Eclipse? What kind of car was it? It was actually a Mitsubishi Gallant, much rarer version. Oh my god. Are they even still in business? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're around. Yes, they are. Yeah. Yes, Mitsubishi is still in business. So did you complain to them at all when you got into an accident? Was it your fault? So did you complain to them at all when you got into an accident? Was it your fault? Yeah, it was definitely my fault.

I fell asleep driving. Oh, my God. Really? What were you doing? Listening to your stand-up comedy sets? Just kidding, Mike. I was drunk. You were drunk?

Oh, shit. Did you hit another car? No. Oh, what did you run into? The side of a mountain. The side of a mountain? I woke up upside down in the middle of the road. Oh, my God. Was anyone around you? Was anybody helping you? No, I just got out and ran.

You ran from your car? Oh, my God. I love that. One drunk guy loves your battle plan in life. Just roll over and then run. Very good. You're like a bad dog. You should have sobered up with some cocaine or something. That's the problem.

I couldn't find any that night, so that's why I fell asleep. It's a damn shame. It's a damn shame. So, Mike, did you get in trouble for that eventually? That's a hit and run basically sort of, right? No, I got a $368 ticket for leaving the scene, and that's it. That's it. Wow.

Canada knows how to fucking party, huh? Oh, Canada. Jesus Christ. But because it was my fault, I didn't get anything from ICBC. Oh. That's right. Before you ran, were you like, let me make like a maple tree and leaf? Hey.

It is a very sticky situation. Go ahead. I like that this crowd hates ICBC so much. They sided with the drunk driver in this situation. Yeah, it's true. How dare they not give you money? You drunk and drove into a mountain like a good Canadian.

I want to fuck a Canadian girl and talk highly about ICBC at the same time. I think that would be fucking hot. Heck yeah. One more thing to turn her on while she's fucking Brian Redmayne. Yeah. My God.

So, Mike, are you still with your baby mama? No. No. We share custody. Share custody. Hell, yeah. Is that you get more time or even time? 50% week on week off?

50%. Have you taught your daughter how to grow pot yet? No, no. Huh? Uh, you ever, uh, you ever go ice skating with her and skate backwards in front of her while holding her hands? No, I haven't done that yet. No.

What kind of a bonding do you do with your daughter? We just play at the park, go swimming, go karting. Actually, I just started taking her go-karting. Drunk. Very cool. Hopefully not. I'm sober now. I don't drink anymore. When's the last time you had a drink? Actually a year. Tomorrow will be one year. Oh, congratulations. How about that? Heck yeah. One could say that you are Canada Dry. Canada Dry.

I still smoke weed and stuff, though. Right, of course. Yeah, he's not a nerd, Tony. Yeah, I'm not a nerd. I just basically do drugs that can't kill me. Hell yeah. CBD, THC, ICBC, all the good shit. You know what I mean?

Cocaine. You can't do coke around here anymore. There's fentanyl in everything. What? There you go. I'm glad you told Red Band this before we ended the show. I'm saving lives, dude. That's what I do. I save lives.

I love it. You know me. Big coke addict, this guy. Yeah. Coca-Cola, everyone. Coca-Cola. Yeah. So anything else interesting that we should know about you, Mike?

There's probably lots. It's interesting. I've had a pretty crazy life. Been to jail a bunch of times when I was younger. What have you gone to jail for? What do you have to do to go to Canadian jail? If drunkenly leaving your car upside down on a highway gets you a $300 ticket, I'd love to know what you did to go to jail. I sold weed to an undercover

cop when I was 18. Oh my god. Whoa. Now that's legal. Yeah. Not really. You still can't sell it. Yeah. I got two months in jail for that. One gram of weed. What was he pretending to be?

He was pretending to be some guy who was hammered. So he came up stumbling and he asked me for ecstasy. And I'm like, no, I got weed. He's like, I'll take some weed. And then we went back to my car and he asked me for two grams. And I tried to rip him off and give him a gram. Then he pulled out his wallet and he's just like, you're under arrest. Oh, my God.

That's so stupid. What else have you gotten arrested for in Canada? What do you get arrested for? Like not finishing your poutine or something like that? Oh, I'm going to have to put you behind bars for that there. You left a little cheese curd there. While I was on bail for selling the weed. Uh-oh, here we go.

No, this is ridiculous. My friend put a piece of tape in someone's hair, and then the kid called the cops, and I went to jail for that shit. Oh, my goodness. A piece of tape. Why? A piece of tape.

He just stuck it in his hair. I'd like to fuck with him. Oh, that's a Canadian felony right there. No, we don't mess with the tape in the hair. The only sticky substance is maple syrup that we're allowed to rub in our hair. Yeah, so that's why I'm happy you guys came here because I can't come to LA. Heck yeah.

Maybe one day I'll sneak a piece. We don't let you in also for dumb things like that? So you're... If you have one weed charge, you're fucked. Really? Oh my God. Well, my first charge actually was when I was 16 for a roach. Uh-huh.

Six months probation for that. Wow. You had a roach. That sucks, man. You're missing a lot heck yeah well I got you Redman what's a roach? a roach is the barely left part of a joint or blunt

any smoked part basically means there's like nothing left but a little bit of resin and maybe just a touch of unsmoked marijuana oh I can see why I went to prison alright well but a little bit of resin and maybe just a touch of unsmoked marijuana. Oh, I can see why he went to prison. All right. Mike, you did it up here tonight. It's good to have someone with a little bit of comedy experience up here.

I loved it. You could tell you had a lot of punchlines in a minute. So thank you very much. Great stuff. Mike Saab, everybody. Thank you. We're running out of time here. What do you guys think?

Should we go to the bucket one more time? Huh? No, if you ask for two, then we end this show right now. Should we go one more time? All right, let's go one more time. Let's see what happens here. I feel like something crazy could happen in any given moment. And remember, if you kill the fly, you win the night.

And Joel will eat it. I'll eat it. That's true. Okay, this looks interesting. Put your hands together for Lydia Ricards, everyone. Lydia. Yeah, girl. Here comes Lydia. Heck yeah.

Here she comes. Hell yeah. Come on, guys. Good and loud for your final comedian of the night, Lydia Ricards. Come on, guys. Good and loud for your final comedian of the night, Lydia Ricard. Hello. Hi. My name is Lydia. I am the girl that your mother warned you about. Not in a sexy way. It's just I've got lice.

My boyfriend wants to have sex in the shower, which is something that I want to do. Like, I don't look sexy whilst wet. I don't look sexy with wet hair. I look like I've just been born. I've got these tiny, tiny eyes, my hair's, like, slicked to my head, crying about how cold and scary the outside world is.

Someone runs in, spanksanksy tries to weigh me. It's all very confusing. I don't understand why people want to watch, like, shower cam porn. I don't know why that's a thing. You would not want to watch LydiaInTheShower.com because it would basically be ten minutes of me pulling out loose hair and sticking it to the wall. Oh.

10 minutes of me pulling out loose hair and sticking it to the wall. There you go. Exactly a minute for Lydia Rickards. Yay. Wow. Very good. Look at you. Hell yeah. Very, very good.

How long has it been since you graduated from Hogwarts? A couple of years ago. A couple of years ago. How long has it been since you broke out of the French prison that you were captive in? Just, it was just last night. I haven't managed to go shopping yet. I like it.

Uh, hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Um, like two, three years. Two long have you been doing stand-up? Like two, three years. Two, three years. All here in Vancouver? No, in England. You're from England. I am from England.

Born and raised in England. You're just visiting Vancouver? Yeah, I have a two-year visa, so I get kicked out in January. Very cool. So you've been here for almost two years, a year and a half or so. What have you been doing here? Why Vancouver? I traveled across Canada. Is it because you heard they have really good insurance here?

I didn't like Toronto, so it was always going to be like Vancouver or Toronto. What did you say? I had to pick, obviously I had to pick where in Canada to live, and I didn't like Toronto. What about Toronto did you not like? Pardon, sorry? What didn't you like about Toronto? I went in the winter, it was really cold,

and I just didn't think there was much going on, and obviously Vancouver is beautiful. Right, and what have you been doing here for the last year and a half? I was serving for a bit, and now I'm a receptionist at a real estate office. What did you do back in England? Lots of different things. I worked in comedy behind the scenes and temped a lot.

You temped a lot? Temp. Yeah, like worked in call centers and offices. Right. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a stand-up comedian. Oh, very cool.

So how are you going to stay in Canada? Are you trying to push the marriage thing right now? Your boyfriend is Canadian? Yes, he is. How long ago did you meet him? I met him like a year ago, but we've been together like six months. Six months.

You were together. I'm confused. You met him a year ago, but you've been together six months. Yeah, we were friends first. Right. And then friends with benefits. No. But he made it out of the friend zone. How did it happen? How did he make it out of the friend zone? Yeah, how did that happen? How do you it out of the friend zone. How did it happen? How did he make it out of the friend zone? Yeah, how did that happen? How did you get out of the friend zone?

What was his move? I think loads of people were asking me for ages, like, are you fucking George? And I was like, no. No, no. And then he did. Explain to me the moment that you realized he was coming out of the friend zone.

Like, when did he make his move? What were you guys doing? Like, what happened? Yeah, what were you guys doing? What happened? First kiss. So we were hanging out and I was very hungover

and we were just watching Netflix and then it just kind of happened. Okay. Hanging. What were you watching on Netflix? Okay, hanging out, Netflix, what else? We were watching Into the Woods.

Into the Woods. Which I don't recommend. It wasn't very good. So watch a bad movie. Got it. Into the Woods. Can't be too good. All right, cool.

Keep going. Can you give them any more advice on how to get out of the friend zone? Was there any other tricks? Do you know how to cook? I can learn. Learn to cook. That's a good thing. Your boyfriend cooks for you? Yeah.

Wow. What do you like to eat that he cooks? Whatever he makes that I don't have to make. Wow. You'll pretty much eat anything, huh? You ever toss his salad? Oh, you have. Yeah, that's definitely, yes.

Hell yeah. You've licked a bottle before? Wow. The old bollocks, right? Yeah. Hey, look at that. I like this girl. Talk about into the woods.

Yeah. Over the river, through the woods. To grandmother's house they went. You know, if you blow in a man's asshole, it makes him pee a little. Try it. Wow. There you go. Red Band conducted the...

More anatomy facts with your medical correspondent, Brian Red Band, live on this scene. How many patients did it take for you to understand that? All right. So, Lydia, tell us more about you. What's the plan here? You're running out of time. You hoping that the boyfriend pops the question? What would you say?

I mean, I don't think he's going to propose, but visa-wise, marriage doesn't really help. Why do you think he wouldn't propose? By the way, open invitation for the boyfriend to come up and propose right now. No, he's not going to do that. Yeah. Why do you think he doesn't want to propose?

Because he hasn't met my family yet. Ah, he has to meet the family? What is this, 1642? What the fuck are we talking about here? And he's seen her in the shower. Ah, there you go. It's not true that you have lice, right? You don't have lice?

I don't have lice. Not currently. Do you have a... Why are you itching? What else do you like to do for fun? Sleep. Try and gig and write and all of that. Write?

Write. Write. I don't that. Write? Write. Write. I don't know. Explore places. I don't really know. Explore places. Like buttholes. Like buttholes.

I love it. Have you seen any good stalactites or stalagmites recently when you're spelunking? Sure. Okay. My goodness. I guess I need to work on my pickup game. Lydia, do you have any more

special moves in the bedroom? Any specialty things that you do that you brought over from England, like the reverse teabag or something like that? Or some type of the old hot teapot, the old crumpet crumble. The princess die.

Yeah, the old fucking tunnel. Any words from Harry Potter just... You fucking shove a wand in his butt. Your name is Lydia. Why are you wearing Beetlejuice's shirt then? It's out of my...

Guys, I don't think you should be disrespecting Ygritte from Game of Thrones like this. Lydia, uh... You know nothing. Sorry, I forgot your name. You seem like a very proper... That was so hot. Oh know nothing. Sorry, I forgot your name. You seem like a very proper... That was so hot. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

When she locked eyes with me and said, you know nothing, puddles. You seem like a very proper English girl. Are your parents proud of you for doing stand-up comedy? Do they know that you do this at all? They've seen me perform maybe twice. They don't really like stand-up comedy? Do they know that you do this at all? They've seen me perform maybe twice. They don't really like stand-up and they don't like swearing and that kind of thing.

Jesus, what are they, ICBC employees? They're just very English. Yeah, what do they do? My dad makes gun cabinets and gun cases. Gun cabinets? Wow. What does he do, just sell them overseas to America? Pretty much, yeah.

And your mom does what? She works at a primary school. Primary school? Oh yeah, that's British as fuck. What education? That's incredible. I love that. for education. That's incredible. Because your dad... I love that.

I love that, yeah. It's a shame you guys weren't educated on how to win wars or else America never would have had its freedom, you fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Canada, you French fucking British pussy fucks.

Yeah, go fuck yourself. I'm on ICBC's side. I love being the bad guy. I would like to clarify, I am not on ICBC's side. There you go. Hell yeah. I am not on ICBC's side There you go

And also Not only is this woman Very attractive to me But I appreciated her comedy as well So there you go Yeah I know I was kidding Seymour I'm not on ICBC's side earlier

And I liked your comedy as well Lydia And very very very fun not on ICBC's side earlier. And I liked your comedy as well, Lydia. And very, very, very fun. And how about this? You're probably, if you're in London when we are next time, you can do a spot on the next Kill Tony in London, England. Bring your parents out to a big sold-out theater

and show them what you do, what you want to do with yourself. Yeah, thank you. Okay. Make sure you remind us via social media or whatever when you see us coming next time, okay? One more time for Lydia Ricards, everybody. And just like that, an episode of Kill Tony Vancouver is down the drain. We had so much

fun here tonight. Did you guys have fun? Very cool. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. You got the new Reagan and Watkins album coming out on June 7th. You can pre-order that now at

reaganandwatkins.com Follow him at Jeremiah's stand-Up on social media. Follow him on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. And listen to his podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. The next two episodes are exclusive behind-the-scenes episodes with the whole Kill Tony cast on the road while in a car traveling on this tour. So you can find out a lot of your favorite fun facts about how this show works and what we

love about it and whatnot. Anything else, Jeremiah? We've got some band posters for sale as well as some Ryan J. Ebel show posters and I've got some CDs and stickers for you guys. There you go. How about one more time for Joel Berg? Joel Jimenez, everybody. Jeremiah.

Joel Berg's on social media mostly. Jeremiah. Joelberg's on social media, mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel? No, love you guys. First time in Canada. This is amazing. Thank you. Yeah, it's his first time ever in Canada. Let me get an Instagram of you guys. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Look at that guy. Hey. All right. How about one more time for the great Brian Redman, everybody? Thanks a lot, guys. It's been a long time coming, Vancouver, and I'm so glad that you came out to hang out with us. It warms our hearts that we filled the place up as much as we did tonight. Thank you so much.

We'll see you on our way out. Good night. Thank you so much. We'll see you on our way out. Good night. Thank you.meme me me me me me

me me Storbritannia Stavros Stavros Thank you.