KILL TONY - KILL TONY #354 - SEATTLE #2

Episode Date: May 26, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/20/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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There you have every past episode, including video portions to the show. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. We're at the Comedy Store every Monday in the main room at the World Famous Comedy Store. And we're on the road. We're about to finish our summer tour. We have a bunch of dates still left. And we're going to be starting on June 7th in Lawrence, Kansas. Then we're in Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York

and we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. If you want tickets go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates Also, Ryan J. Ebelt the house artist, he has a website, he draws all the posters, go to RyanJEbelt.com Tony Hinchcliffe has

his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com there you can follow everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have a couple of the Kill Tony t-shirts left, a bunch of Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's

a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Chop Silly in Seattle, Washington for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensworth. Seattle, Washington. Make some fucking noise. Wowie, yowie. That sounds like a fucking live audience if I've ever heard it before. How about a hand for the great Brian Redman, everybody?

What is up, guys? We are live. The number one live comedy podcast in the world. For the first night ever in Seattle. Sold out show number two. You guys excited for this? Late show, 10 p.m. You're going to have more fun than the 7 p.m. show that we had, huh?

That was a lot of fun. But I have a feeling the late one's always a little bit crazier, right, Brian? This is the last stop of leg one of our crazy summer tour. Nowhere we'd rather close it out than beautiful Seattle, Washington. Yes. So much fun. And then it kicks back up again. Tomorrow we're back at the Comedy Store just like we are every Monday throughout the tour.

We make trips back just for our lucky love of our lives out in Los Angeles, California. And then it continues in June. Lawrence, Kansas at the Granada Theater. Omaha, Nebraska, The Waiting Room. Des Moines, Iowa, Woolies. Appleton at Skyline. Milwaukee, Turner Hall Ballroom. Chicago, Thalia Hall.

Madison Majestic Theater. Minneapolis at the Cedar Cultural Center. Poughkeepsie and two shows in New York, New York. One show's already sold out at the Gramercy Theater, closing out our summer leg of the tour. Keeping us energized the whole time, Caveman Coffee. Drink Caveman Coffee, order Caveman Coffee, cavemancoffeeco.com. Use the promo code KILTONI, save 15%.

The new Reagan and Watkins album comes out June 7th, available for pre-sale right now at ReaganandWatkins.com One of our favorite bands, the original band of Kill Tony, Reagan and Watkins. And a little fun fact for you, Ryan J. E. Belt couldn't be here tonight, but he did send along some amazing summer tour

posters that'll be for sale. After the show, right in the back of the room, we'll take pictures with you, sign your posters, shake hands. I also have a Tony Hinchcliffe pin with my big, beautiful face on it. And if you'd like, for no extra charge, I will take a black Sharpie and put facial hair on it. There's not facial hair on it right now. I'll leave a little space underneath my nose for you. And it's easy breezy from our friends over at Rockin' Pins.

They make amazing pins over there. we are in. We're pumped. We're excited to be here. We're going to close out this puppy tonight, jump on a 5 a.m. flight and fucking head back to L.A. You guys ready to do this shit or what? We've been all over the goddamn Pacific Northwest.

We're ready to go home and we want to end it with a fucking bang. Are you guys going to help us? Let's fucking go Seattle. This is it. This is where fucking dreams come true. As with all the road shows, we're going to go guestless tonight. However, we did bring a

band with us, everybody. One of my favorite things in all of comedy. They're the best damn band in the land. Every single episode, they commit to being characters. They stay in character throughout the show. You never know what they're going to be. I never know what they're going to be.

They have a separate dressing room in the back. They've been getting ready a while for this one. I will say that. That's always a pretty interesting sign. Maybe it's the return of some famous characters that we've seen before. Maybe they debut brand new characters like the earlier show tonight for the first time ever. They were Southern Bells. Fucking hilarious.

A lot of people there. Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I just noticed her sitting in the front row. We had a custom made Seattle bucket here tonight. Look at that. The Seattle bucket of destiny. Again, made by the great Colleen Callahan. That's badass. And if you're listening to this on the podcast

step up. Make a better bucket because I don't think you can. This is fucking awesome. Booyah. Back to the band ladies and gentlemen. Again two of my funniest friends in the world. You know them. You love them. Comedic geniuses. The best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins

and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Let's see what they are this time. Whoa! Hey! Wow! Look at this. Wow, Paper Boys.

Extra, extra. Oh my goodness. Wow, look at this. Paper Boys. Hello. All at this. Paper Boys. Killed Tony in Seattle for the first time ever. Ah. Look at that. I like it. Paper Boys.

This is the first time you've ever been on this show. Correct? Correctamundo. Wow. I love it. This just in. Look at you guys. I love it. Hell yeah.. Look at you guys. I love it. Hell yeah. Jeremiah looks like a legitimate paper boy. Whoa, look out. He also, yeah, all right.

And I look like an illegitimate child. All right, yeah. I mean, you took the words right out of my mouth. What are your guys' names? I'm Chip. And I'm Phillip. Chip and Phillip. All right, that's easy enough. I your guys' names? I'm Chip. And I'm Phillip. Chip and Phillip. Alright, that's easy enough. I have no last name. I'm an orphan.

Is that true? Yes. Wow, this is very exciting. I like it. Joel, I've never seen you look more like Chaz Bono than you do right now. It's very feminine and masculine. I don't know who Joel is.

I'm Phillip. Oh, all right. It looks like they got those pants from Target. Okie dokie, roasted. You guys just got lit up by Red Band. He said those pants look like Target pants. Whoa, man. Wow, I wonder if we'll be able to follow that.

We blew our load right at the top of the show there. Right, that's a secret. What are those, Target pants, huh? Booyah. You better watch yourself, buddy. I'm excited about this. We got Paper Boys for the first time ever. Seattle, a very creative, artistic town,

got two brand-new characters tonight. Southern Bells, and let's do it with the Paper Boys. I have Paper Boys, I got Red Band, and we got the Bucket of Destiny here for Seattle. You guys know how it works, probably. A bunch of people signed up before the show. A lot of sign-ups for this one.

And if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry Diesel Bar Bear. Yeah. And I'm telling you, he's aggressive, and he's just on the other fucking side of this wall. He's ready to roar through your asshole.

So wrap it up when you hear the cat. You know it works and then we talk with you afterwards try to find out more interesting stuff about you try to tell the truth try to be honest let us take care of the funny business and a message to the audience i know we've been drinking i know we're excited i know we're having a lot of fun the only time you i don't want you guys to yell or fucking have crazy yelling fun or try to be funny is during their 60 seconds. They get that uninterrupted. We don't interrupt them. You shouldn't either. These people maybe

have waited their entire life for this moment or have been working at it for years and just want to fucking kill for a minute. So let's all give them a chance together, okay? There you go. A little heartfelt moment for you. So we got everything. You guys ready to start this motherfucker what?

Here we go. The Late Show. Kill Tony. Seattle, Washington for the first night ever. Heck yeah. I'm excited about this. Yes, a very good question. I like you.

Good fans of the show. The only entrance to this stage is by going that way, through that doorway. There's a security guard there that will take you. So even if you're over there, you have to come all the way to the front, across and over. If you're back there, all the way there, whatever you do, do not try to climb on this stage tonight. And don't hold the security guard's hand. He hates that shit. Wow.

Why? What is he wearing? Target pants? Jesus Christ. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Red Band's already toasted. Amazing, man.

Don't hold his hand. Wow. Who roofied your vape pen tonight? You. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket. Let's get it started with a bang. How about a lovely young lady? Put your hands together for Jennifer Rose Garcia.

Oh, I know this girl. Jennifer Rose Garcia. Here we go. I'm still alive. Jennifer Rose Garcia, everybody. Your first comedian of the night. Make some fucking noise. Hello. My name is Jennifer Rose Garcia.

I am named after Jennifer Rose Horton from Days of Our Lives. She is tall, blonde, and a doctor. All the things I am not. But that's okay because I have the best job in the world. I am a teacher. Thank you. I love it, it's great. It fills my soul, empties my wallet.

But you're gonna need to get paid in order to do that um but it's great um so in my school district we have a no bullying policy and I think that's quite ironic because I do believe that teachers are the real bullies of the school um so I have this thing in my classrooms where I now have a technique where I destroy their confidence. Is that the end of it? It's not. Okay, go ahead. So what I do is I call them over and I look at them in their eyeballs into the depths of their soul. And I call out all the bullshit.

And I wait until their eyes begin to well up. Then I stop. Oh, my God. I can't believe. I'm still alive. My goodness, very rare that a diesel barbear goes over here for a young lady like Jennifer Rose Garcia, but I think you brought him out tonight.

Jennifer, after seeing that set, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to send you to the principal's office. How are ya? I'm so excited. Oh my goodness. Wow. Extra, extra. Comedian Pease Pants on stage.

I don't think that's Pease. No. Very excited. Pease not creamy. Hello. So Jennifer, first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Yes, but I'm a performer, so it's not my first time on a stage. Oh, wow. What kind of performing do you do? I do lots of musical theater.

She's my cherry pie. All right. What's that song that's playing? What's that for? Okay. I guess I won't worry about it. Just live on the show. The old don't worry about it.

Okay. All right. Don't worry about it. All right. Sound on a podcast. Okay. I won't worry about it at all. Let's just fucking plow forward.

Is she making you nervous? Yeah, I'm super nervous. Okay. Why are you nervous about it at all. Let's just fucking plow forward. Is she making you nervous? Yeah, I'm super nervous. Okay. Why are you nervous? No, I'm not. I have no idea. Red band's broken somehow. In between shows, red band broke.

Yes. So let's talk to you, Jennifer. First time doing stand-up. Very good. Congratulations. Thank you. So what made you do this? Well, my boyfriend watches your podcast all the time.

Sometimes I wake up to the sound of your voice. And it's great. I love it. You sound like a beautiful canary. Wow. Look at that. Well, maybe I should check out your coal mine. You know what I'm saying?

Hello. It's a butthole reference. Look at you. Look at this. Extra, extra. Read all about it. After show, Tony Hinchcliffe has sex with Oriental Girl. Oriental?

Oh, my goodness. Paperboy. What year? What time? I'm from the row in 1920s. You're from the paper boy in the 20s? Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

From the 20s. Well, let's talk to someone in her 30s. Jennifer Rose Garcia. No, I'm kidding. Garcia. Garcia. So fun. So you're Mexican?

No. Oh, what are you? Filipino. Hey, look at you. I know how to call them. I love it. And what what are you? Filipino. Hey, look at you. I know how to call them. I love it. And what do you teach? I teach drama and musical theater and elementary music.

Wow. Oh, my goodness. So did you take part in any musical theater yourself? Yes. Can you sing us a little line from one of your musicals? Just jump right into it. Sure. Only if I have some help by my friend here.

Of course, yeah. What do you want him to do for you? Do you want him to shove a saxophone in your... All right. Do you know A Whole New World? I can try to find it. He's from the 20s. I don't think that...

I don't know if that movie... It came out in 1992. That movie picture has come out yet. But I'll try. You ready? Here we go. I don't know what key movie, that movie, that movie picture has come out yet. But I'll try. You ready? Here we go. I don't know what key you're going to sing in, so start singing. Yeah, you got to just start singing, Jennifer.

He'll follow your lead. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Really putting this saxophone is on the spot right here. Yeah. I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid Tell me, paper boy, now when did you last? Let your heart decide

I can open your eyes Hey, look at that. Take you under by wonder. Over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride. A whole new world. Wow. A new

fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming. My goodness. That's impressive. Thank you.

Jennifer Rose Garcia. There you go. The dolphins are loving it right now for some reason. This just in. After show, saxophonist has sex with Oriental girl. Wow. Wow. Wow, Jennifer. That's very impressive.

Heck yeah. You got it. I gave him a sip of my drink. Okay. All right. There you go. Very good. Paper boys on fire. Extra, extra Paper Boys. On fire.

Extra, extra. Read all about it. Elementary school music teacher just got another student signed up. Hell yeah. I love it, Jennifer. My goodness. So talented. Thank you.

So you did stand-up comedy. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. What does he do? He does a lot of things. Is he one of your elementary students? No.

If he was, he would not like me as a teacher, I don't think. Why is that? Because he thinks I'm a hard ass. Oh. Well, you've got crazy teacher eyes for sure. Thank you. Wow. What do you...

Wow. Jeez Louise. I said stop it! So Jennifer, what else are you into? What other hobbies do you have? What have you been doing with your life? I'm also auditioning for TV and film.

So now I'm a substitute teacher. And I'm kind of taking a break from teaching to do that. Oh, wow. How's that going for you? It's going quite well. Yeah. You in Filipino films and shit? I mean, I audition for nannies a lot.

What does that mean? Yeah, what are those? Nannies? Nannies? Oh, I'm in the Filipino films. Babysitters? Like babysitters. With a credit card.

Like when rich people hire help. Yeah. Okay. Yes. All right. Do you ever dress up as like princesses and stuff? I do, actually. Wow.

Yeah, I do. Oh, shit. I play Moana and Princess Jasmine and a fairy. Wow look at you. You're adorable. Are you ticklish? Okay Brian. Alright. Red band.

Red band. Alright. Well Jennifer you got the show kick started tonight. I love your energy. Thanks for singing us a song. Our first time ever doing stand-up, Jennifer Rose Garcia. Heck, yeah. We're off and running.

There she goes, everybody. Right back, straight back to the Philippines. All the way back. We have a boat waiting for her. She was adorable. Yeah. Little have a boat waiting for her. She was adorable. Yeah. Little cutie pie. Little fucking...

Little fucking... Topless nanny should be a job. Okay. Wow. Authorities, arrest this man. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together. Nathan

Hesselman, everyone. Nathan Hesselman. Hey. All right. Nathan. What is this song? Is this a snake? It's a charming song.

It's the Beatles. I heard the news today, old boy. One more time for Nathan Hesselman. I just got engaged. Yeah, the best part about being engaged is no more awkward first dates. The last date I went on before I met her, the girl told me she had a kid on the first date. Yeah, I found out it's very important how you respond to that information. Because you can't just say, ew.

But you also can't be too casual. You can't be like, that's all right we all make mistakes how about the Mariners you have to respond with enthusiasm and I'm bad at faking enthusiasm you got to be like oh you have a 12 year old son that's cool it came out more like wow I love 12-year-old boys. I should have just said, ew. But I understand where she's coming from. It's hard to tell someone that on a first date. I was in a similar situation about three years ago.

Met a girl, fell in love, started going out. And nine months later, she got herpes. That's my time. Hell yeah. There you go. Nathan Hesselman. With the news today. Hey.

All right, Nathan. Fuck yeah. I love this. You are a tall glass of fucking John Mulaney. Look at you. Wow, yeah. Look at you, you lanky fuck. All stretched out, huh?

How long have you been doing stand-up? Four weeks. Four weeks. Wow. What made you start four weeks ago? I took a class. I graduated four weeks. You took a class.

Was your teacher Jennifer Rose Garcia? No. You took a comedy class. I did. What made you take a comedy class? My friend that I'm here with told me he was doing it. I was like, fuck it. That sounds cool.

Heck yeah. What'd you learn? They just taught us like joke structure and get on stage and practice. And then we did like a little graduation show last week at Laughs. I love it. Did you have fun with that? It was super fun. Did you get a rush from being on stage? did how about this time do you feel it tonight

not so much Wow yeah I like it so Nathan tell us more about you just started four weeks ago you just graduated from a class this past weekend what else what do you do for work I work as a cable guy you work as a cable guy. You work as a cable guy? That's crazy because you look like the cable guy from the movie The Cable Guy. Are you a crazy cable guy too? I heard business is just booming right now for cable. You guys are dying, huh? Yeah. You do like Wi-Fi too or are you just in the television cable business? Television, Wi-Fi, phone. Do you have a DVD player too, or are you just in the television cable business? Television, Wi-Fi, phone.

Do you have a DVD player at home? I do not stream. There you go. All right, yes. Pure momentum coming from over here. Oh, my God. You got me. So, Nathan, how long have you been working in the cable business?

Like eight years. Eight years? Look at years. Eight years. Look at you. You were really gambling on it just sticking around forever, huh? Just fucking wires all over everywhere. Just everybody was going to do that. Is it a sad business? Because most of the time you're probably what?

Taking it out. You're not really putting it in that much anymore, right? Yeah. So what's that like? Are people like, get that fucking shit out of my place. What's it like? Yeah, it's interesting. You go into a lot of weird houses. You ever have chicks,

you ever have MILFs try to hook up with you? Like, oh, hey, cable guy, there's really nothing wrong, but you might want to check my box. Something like that. Yep, I've had that happen. Really? Do you have any illegal channels? How'd you follow through with it? Did you ever get tempted and have the forbidden fruit of a cable customer?

Yeah, I may have. Really? Wow. Okay, let's talk. What do you mean may have? You're at a real comedy show. I don't know what the comedy class taught you, but honesty is key. So explain to us how that went. So you're coming in.

What are you doing? You're bending over, turning wires into walls and shit, and then what happens? Uh, well, at my previous company, I'll make that clear. Yes, of course. Previous cable company. Indeed, yes. Time Warner. Go ahead.

Um, yeah. I had a lady answer the door in the morning, like, first job of the day, and knocked on her door, and she opened the door just wearing like her night shirt. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Go ahead. Nothing else. That's all she was wearing? Yeah, just her night shirt and like

a thong. What's that? And then she was like, oh, fuck. That's what she said. Whoa, she's got a bad mouth. All right, paper guy, let him tell the story there, you wacky fuck. There you go. Nathan, go ahead. And then what happened?

And then she was like, I didn't expect you to be good looking. I expected like some old guy. Well, come in. And then started flirting with me. So she started flirting with you. You remember anything that she said? Anything like that? No.

Yeah, you don't remember anything. No, not really. You were traumatized. I was like, I didn't know what to do. I was real nervous I was going to lose my job. So then what happened? Then... You popped her in the mouth and said,

Make me a sandwich! Within a few minutes, I realized I didn't need to be there because it was a maintenance issue, so it was nothing I could fix. And I told her, oh, it's going to take a few hours. There's nothing I can do. And she was like, oh, so you have to wait here a few hours? And I was like, exactly. I do.

Oh my god. Really? Was that true? That's 100% true. Wow. So then what happened? You guys just fucked. We just hung out and she made me lunch and then...

And then... Popped her in the mouth. Yeah. And punched her in the face. Very good. Wow. That is so fun. How big was the Shiner you gave her?

Yeah. My goodness. And then she actually texted me like a week after that and was like, hey, my cable's still broken. It never got fixed. And I was just like, I'm not going back. Wow. Look at that.

So just to be clear, you did not have sexual intercourse with this woman? No. Yeah, he did. What the fuck were you listening to? He gave her HBO and HPV. Threw it in for free. Wow, that sounds fun.

What was it like? What did it feel like? She was an older woman? Yeah, older than me at the time. I was like 19. Oh, at the time she was older than you. You've caught up since then? Well, she's still older than me, but yeah.

Not older than, yeah. Nathan, what's your favorite thing to do for fun? What's your biggest hobby or talent or skill? Do you have any special, do anything crazy? You seem like you'd be big in musicals or something like that. Yeah, no. No, okay, what is it? Favorite thing to do.

Or anything, anything you're good at. Do you have any trophies at home? I like to travel. Or anything. Anything you're good at. You have any trophies at home? I like to travel. Travel? Where do you like to go? All over. I lived overseas for a little while. Where?

Thailand and Germany. You ever do anything crazy sexual over in Thailand or Germany? You ever let someone poop on your chest? Never. Yeah. I don't like those Germans. One bit. Just wait 20 more years. I don't know why you wouldn't like them in the 20s.

I've got a hunch. Did you do anything crazy when you were in Germany or Thailand? Not too crazy. Actually, in Thailand, there's crazy ladyboy clubs. Did you get tricked? Did you get tricked? You didn't get tricked, but did you go in getting what you wanted? There's a whole street, like Soy Cowboy it's called.

Yeah. And they just attack you. Like people will grab you, pull on you, like, oh, come in here. So you did. No. All right, Nathan. Well, it was nice meeting you. Congratulations on starting stand-up comedy.

Nathan Hesselman, everybody. There he goes. Fuck yeah. Step back from that ledge. Step back from that ledge, my dear friend. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Future player, JDK. Okay. Future player, JDK. Okay.

Future player, JDK. Please tell me this is real. Hey. Future player, JDK. I'm so excited about this. Oh, wow. Here we go. Oh, my goodness.

Fuck yeah. Hello. Here he is. Future player, JDK, put your hands together for him. Oh my god. I love this city. I love my city. It's a privilege to be an ambassador for all

of you when I travel. I'm just going to share this real quick. It's a short story about when I first moved to Arizona to go to ASU. Everybody asked where I was from. I told them Seattle, and then they told me, oh, yeah, I hear a lot of people commit suicide there. Yeah, right on. I just simply replied, no,

no, just the Sonics fans. You know, I don't even know how much time I got left. I honestly just love y'all. I'm happy to be here. Should I keep talking? I don't mind, man. You gave me a minute. I just got done with the NBC so I could keep going.

What the fuck? Okay. Future player JDK, how are you? How's it going, buddy? Welcome, welcome. How are you? Talking to the end of the microphone. I want to talk with you. I only have 1,435 questions to ask you.

But you know what? I'm want to talk with you. I only have 1,435 questions to ask you. But you know what? I'm going to start over there with my good friend, Phillip. I'm Chip. Oh, Chip. Whoops. Go ahead, Chip. This guy's crazier than a box of clocks. Oh, okay.

Crazier than a box of clocks. Tony, this guy looks like the Newsy of the future. Yeah, it is pretty wild. You look like John Lennon's corpse or something like that. For a second, I thought you were blind when you first came up here. It turns out you're just a little bit wacky, huh? Why do I feel like you live out of that giant fanny pack that's wrapped around your shoulder there? Am I close to right about that?

You a simple man? I could be. I could be. I could be. Good answer. I don't know if you know this, but the show has started, Future Player JDK. Future Player, why is that part of your name? I noticed you wrote Future Player in quotations. What does that mean?

I've been doing improv for 14 years. Back in 75, they called themselves the Not ready for primetime players. Yes. So, you know, I aspire to be like the greats. Wow, don't flex all of your improv chops at once up here. 14 years. I mean, just let the audience breathe.

They can't even. They're just not even giving them a chance to. I'm just kidding. Alright, JDK, what is that? Those are your initials or something? Yeah, they are. So, 14 years. Where have you been? ASU, you said. You went to school there. What'd you study there? Communication. Communication, I can tell.

And you're from Seattle, born and raised? Yes, I am. And so, what do you do? How do you and raised? Yes, I am. And so what do you do? How do you make money? Funny you should ask. Funny you should answer. It's my city. Heck yeah.

We have to get you back to White Center at any moment. I'm currently selling comic books out of my pack. Wow. So, I was sort of right. I just started a workshop. Oh, competition, huh? Yeah. Paper boy, me, comic book guy. You guys all have the same costume on,

by the way. I didn't even think about that. Well, that's something you should have thought of. This is my block, mister, so I better not see you around here again. You better scram! So how's the comic book business out of the bag business going? I've never really heard of this before. You just going up to people

and basically raping them? Just like, hey, you want a comic book? What the fuck? I mean, Tony, how many comic books can you even fit in that little ass bag? It's a convenient conversation starter. But no. Otherwise, I'm also a gambler.

Oh, really? What do you play? Like poker? I do do poker, but mostly... You do do? Yeah, I'm pretty shit at it. I'm also a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker. You make money professionally playing gambling? I scored really big when the Seahawks actually won the Super Bowl.

Really? How much did you win? Would you mind telling us? I really would prefer not to. Really? You bet a lot on it? Can you tell us how much you bet on it? I could tell you the reason that I freakishly won.

Right. Go ahead. I thought that they would get a field goal kick. Uh-huh. And they got a safety. Uh-huh. Safety's included in the field goal kick category. Ah. Yeah, I'm incredibly lucky. Holy

shit. I cannot figure you out whatsoever. You're one of the great anomalies in the history of this show. You really are a beautiful man. I had no idea. Oh, wow. Okie dokie. Man, looks like the future player just

became the present player. You know what I'm saying? We've got so many light in the loafers up here. Yeah. I think the pony you're looking for is the pony bar just down that street, about a half a block. It ain't me.

You're all right, man. Is that your thing, though, JDK? You into, you know what I mean? You one of these Capitol Hill type of, you know what I mean? Fucking, you know. You want to kiss Tony on the cheek? Hey, there you go. For the podcast exposure, I would.

All right. I actually am a failure at Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, several academies. I usually just say hi to girls, but I'm still a failure at it. When you say hi to them, is it normally just as the elevator doors are closing or something like that? Or something super frightening? Just about. I have a quick... Very good at it.

Oh, wow. There you go. 14 years of improv right there. Just flexing it up. No, I'm kidding. Wow. So last date you went on, how did that go? you went on, how did that go? We went to the Nutcracker. Oh, wow.

Ouch. Now that's quality entertainment. The Nutcracker. So how'd that go for you? Is that what? A musical or a play? Yeah, it's a ballerina, ballet type thing. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And you had just met this girl?

It was a first date? I actually met her asking for a light for a cigarette at the bar that I go to up on University Area. She gave you a light for that cigarette? Yeah. And you're like, what do you want to do? Go see the Nutcracker or something? Just straight into it? I chatted her up about a book I was reading. It's called The Immortal

Irishman. It's a really good novel. Okay. Well, all you podcast fans, stop listening. Go grab a fucking book. I love it. And then how'd it go after that? You went and took her to the Nutcracker. Did she

see your Nutcracker? She did not. No. What happened? She ran away in fear? Well, I think the biggest problem is I forgot that the Nutcracker's, like, majority children in the ballet to begin with. Oh, yes. And then next thing you know, your penis is a wreck.

She finds out you sell comic books out of a baggie, and she made a run for it, right? Yeah, man, you're a psychic. You know me so well. Well, I don't know how I could possibly figure these things out. Experience? I guess so. How old are you?

Would you believe 33? Yep. Yep, I would. That's about right. I can tell. It's very interesting. You're frightening and likable at the same time. I can't really put my finger on it. You're very different than other people.

You have these cold, cold dead eyes. But you smile alongside of them. There's very much like a... Wow. Oh, wow. There's 14 years of improv right there. Yeah, there it is. All right.

Future player JDK, I like your style, man. Hopefully we'll see you again sometime. There he goes. Future player JDK. He came up here with one choke. Made fun of the Sonics. And that's it.

But I'm going to tell him I like him so that I don't get letters sent to me with letters cut out from different magazines saying how much he likes me. There he goes. Go out the opening. Hey, look. Future player, look at us. Look, there. Right through there. Nope. There you go. Keep digging. Oh, look. Future player, look at us. Look, there. Right through there. Nope.

There you go. Keep digging. Oh, my God. No, not that way. Jesus. Wow. Oh, my God. Literally.

14 years less of improv training. He'd probably be hilarious. Whoa, where do I go through the curtain? Oh, no. He just whispered, I will see you again. You guys like it? How many of you Legoing comedians do good on this show, huh? How many of you Legoing comedians do bad on this show?

Whoa. I think these people like their future players, if you know what I mean. Yeah. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Colin Lynch, everyone. Here we go. Colin Lynch.

Then you've gone too far, but you know it don't matter anyway. You can rely on the old man's money. You can rely on the old man's money. You can rely on the old man's money. It's a bitch girl. Hey, Colin Lynch, everybody. Holy shit. Of course I get called up right when everybody

says that they want to see me fail. Did anyone else feel like our version of Fred Armisen was a little crazier than Portlandia's Alaska? I thought so. I don't know. My girlfriend doesn't think I'm that funny, but what the fuck does she know she got pregnant on birth control some kind of statistical anomaly i'm actually really excited to be a dad uh coming up on seven months now so we're getting near the final stretch

uh we decided since uh she went to a very liberal college that we're going to be gender neutral whatever the fuck that means um right now it means that i just don't know the sex of my child but secretly inside i'm kind of hoping that i have a daughter because i feel in today's day and age of the me too movement i don't even know how to act as a man how am i supposed to train a little shit to be a man you know it's terrible but if i have a daughter i can just train her to fuck up the world man just walk over every man just mop them all up she can just take over everything that she wants just train her to fuck up the world, man. Just walk over every man, just mop them all up. She can just take over everything that she wants. Just raise her like I would have raised a 90s boy jock.

I think it'll be fucking dead on. Everybody will hail me as a feminist. I think it'll be pretty good. That's my technique. Oh, yeah, there you go. Colin Lynch. Wow, look at you. First time doing stand-up?

Almost. Uh-huh. Almost. I put it back. It's my second time. Second time ever on a stage. How about that, Colin Lynch? Colin, has anyone ever told you that you look like Waldo if he was hiding in a Cabela's magazine?

I have gotten that. I have gotten that. More recently, though, I've been getting, I look like Tormund from Game of Thrones. Oh, wow. Look at you. You take off those glasses. You turn into a fucking Seattle superhero, huh? I know, right? A little bit. You should see what happens when I shave. I look just like you. You take off those glasses. You turn into a fucking Seattle superhero, huh? I know, right?

A little bit. You should see what happens when I shave. I look just like you. Really? Is that true? You have good bone structure under there? I do have good bone structure. I'm like, you could be my brother.

I haven't seen... I'm a longtime listener, never seen the show before. We could be family. Well, you know, as far as I know, all I know is that we basically have the exact same facial hair. So I think you're right you know what i mean i think that's i know that's what mine looks like so uh oh this guy's in denial so uh colin you have a baby on the way it's three months away you really don't know whether it's gonna be a boy or a girl no we don't yeah our whole family's been on our ass about it see you

know i have a theory is not finding out how not finding out the gender of your baby until it's born uh is my theory is that's how transgender babies are made you know what i mean the baby comes out and it's like you guys didn't know whether i was gonna be a boy or a girl 100 well three can play that game. Yeah. Oh, 100%. That's amazing. So, Colin, what do you think? You excited about your transgender baby? What's a trans... A little bit. Transgender what?

We'll tell you after the show. Kind of like the lady boys from before, their newsy boy. There you go. Colin, over here, Colin. Stick with me, buddy. Did your girl get pregnant on the birth control for real? Yeah, she did. So, she's a liar.

Well, no. So hold on. The whole time we'd been dating beforehand, she never wanted kids. Like vehemently denounced ever having children. So she lied to you back then also? Yeah, I fucking bet. I'm taking a shower, getting there,

and she just walks in and says, Colin, I'm pregnant. And then walks out and just sluts the door. Sluts the door. Look at you. It might not be mine. My goodness. Have you been taking your for hims from forhims.com using the promo code KILLTONY?

Because it might be that you have healthy ejaculates. I don't know. Maybe. My goodness. So, Colin, what do you do for work? I just graduated. You look like you cut down trees with books. I do. I might as well be.

I just graduated from Central Washington University, business administration degree. Wow, Central Washington University. What's their mascot? Wildcat. Oh, wow. Look at that. Actually, I went to to satellite campus. I've never been to the main one So, oh I'm not like all gung-ho about it. Oh, don't see me wearing a class gung-ho. I think she went up first tonight So, what did you study at Central Washington University Business business and what are you doing with that?

You have a job yet? No, not yet. That's none of your business. I just graduated, and so we're moving out to Spokane here in a little bit. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're going to fit in perfectly there. Look at you, you fucking suburban fuck. How about your lady?

What does she do? She just graduated with a communications major. Yeah, communications. So she really is a professional liar. You see that shit? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, I totally took the pill. Don't know what happened.

Oopsie daisy, looks like I did what every woman secretly wants. Got a fucking baby. I feel like your baby's going to be born with a beard just like you. Whether it's a boy or a girl, I truly believe that. They always say that the birth control is upside down. Oops, I took the wrong pills. You know, that whole trick. Yeah, I've seen inside there.

Yeah, that's a thing. I know what he's talking about. All right. So what else, Colin? What do you like to do for fun? What birth control? You seem like an outdoor type or something like that. You look like a...

I fit the look. I fit the look. Yeah, I go camping a lot. I'm kind of a nerd, although I'm in recovery now. When you say that you're a nerd, what's some of the nerdiest stuff about you? We had a guy, Han, before you that sold comic books out of a fucking bag on his shoulder.

Good luck following that. Not quite there yet. I play D&D. It's been a long time since I've thrown some dice, though. I don't have any cool nerd friends in my area. You play Dames and Dice, too? Ah, yeah. Dames and Dice? Yeah.

That's a game back then? Yeah, you shoot dice and you're like, ah, that one's mine. Ah, look at that. Dungeons and Dragons, anything else nerdy about you? Growing up, I watched a lot of anime and video games But I don't know as I got older It's not that I don't enjoy it I just got no time for that shit anymore Is your wife Asian?

No Do you have any tattoos? I got a couple I got love written on my arm I got some navy stuff What's that? Navy stuff? What do you mean navy? I was in the navy You were in the navy? I got some Navy stuff up in there. What's that? You said Navy stuff? Navy stuff. Yeah, I got my swallows.

What do you mean Navy? I was in the Navy. You were in the Navy? Yes, sir. Wow. That looks like you were more of a life aquatic than a Navy guy. I was in submarines. You did work in submarines?

I did. I was a submariner. Oh, my goodness. I don't know if Uncle Sam wanted this. And what would you do when you were on the submarines? I was a cook. Really? Yeah. Dirty stew burner. Oh, my. D cook. Really? Yeah, Dirty Stew Burner.

Oh, Dirty Stew Burner? Yeah, that's what everybody called him. Wow, why were you nicknamed Dirty Stew Burner? Well, in the whole... Why didn't they call you Dirty Stew Burner Future Player? Yeah, well, I didn't bring my cool satchel with all my comic books with me. Tell me about the Dirty Stew Burner. So, like, everybody else is doing really cool shit

on the submarine, and I'm fucking cooking for all of them. So it's not exactly the coolest job in the world, so they give you shit. How long did you go overseas at all? Or underseas, I guess? Yeah, I was underseas for a lot. Yeah, where at?

Basically, everything I did was out of one port in Bremerton, and we would just go out, go do our cool shit. What's Bremerton? Bremerton, it's, like, over do our cool shit. What's Bremerton? Over on the other side of the Puget Sound. Oh, wow. You really fought hard for your country, huh? The Puget Sound. Boy, oh boy. I mean, wow.

What an American hero you are. Just fucking... Thank goodness for you. Wow. I mean, Really out there getting the dirty work done. Hanging out ten minutes away from home. Dirty stew burner seems like what we used to call the Orientals.

Oh my goodness. Another Oriental reference. Dirty stew burners. Okay. Alright. Why would you call them dirty stew burners? Because they're dirty and they burn the stew. Wow, that was quite literal. Phillip, are you laughing at yourself right now?

What kind of paper boy are you? He's cracking up back here. I'm humorous. Okay. All right. Wow. If there's one thing you could say, Colin, to your future child who's going to be born in three months, one day, decades from now,

they're going to go on YouTube and they're going to see this video of their dad three months before they were born. If there's something that you want to tell them, leave them a message right now. This is your last part of this show, on this show. What would it be? Don't get caught.

Wait, Jesus Christ. What the fuck was that, you piece of shit? Hold on, let me fix that. Fuck hecklers and Don't get caught. Wait, Jesus Christ. What the fuck was that, you piece of shit? Hold on, let me fix that. Fuck hecklers and don't get caught. Hey, I like that. There you go. All right, Colin Lynch, everybody. There he goes.

Fuck hecklers and don't get caught. Oh, yeah, there you go. Absolutely. You seem like a nice, clean guy. I'll shake your hand. Clean and polite. You know? Get old man's money.

On the old man's money. You guys having fun out there? Here comes your next comedian. He goes by the name of Ricky W. Ricky W. He's in the back. Hey. Wow. Santa Claus is coming to town.

Jingle bells. He's coming around the motherfucking corner right now. Here's Ricky W., everyone. So a few years ago, I had just moved in with my girlfriend at the time. And on one particular night, I can remember, I was just making my lunch for work the next day. It wasn't anything special. It was like turkey sandwich with like jalapenos,

mayonnaise, lettuce, whatever. So I finished cleaning up, head to bed. And as I get to bed, me and my girlfriend, we started messing around a little bit. And shortly after we started messing around, she starts to burn a little bit downstairs. And we're trying to figure it out. Not really sure what's going on. And after a few minutes, I start laughing. And she's like, why are you laughing? This isn't funny. And I said, hey, babe, I put some raw jalapenos on my sandwich,

and I didn't wash my hands. So I was giggling a bunch. She did not think it was funny. So to punish me, she had me go down on her. Now, if you've never tasted jalapeno flavored vagina before, I'm here to tell you

it's actually pretty good. I got a quick follow-up if I could, Tony. Yeah, you got a little bit of time. There's a bear right around the corner. Alright, alright. Now, after a few minutes of going down on her, I had a light bulb moment. And I actually went to the sex drawer and grabbed some strawberry flavored lube. And I ended up sprinkling a dash of that on her.

Uh-huh. And then you had a strawberry jalapeno pussy. Like Emeril, I went, bam. There you go. All right. There you go. Fuck yeah. You had us. You had everything. jalapeno pussy. I went, like Emeril, I went, bam! There you go. All right, there you go. Fuck yeah. You had us. You had everything.

Everything was good. Yeah, and then you just threw it away. Yeah, an extra 20. Threw it away. Yeah, you're done forever now. Fuck yeah. Hey. Hell yeah.

All right. Well, first of all, Ricky W., first time doing stand-up, right? You just told a fucking, that's a true story, right? It is true. I like your style. First of all, thanks for taking a break from killing the walking dead to be here. Put down your bow and arrow and your arrow gun or whatever the fuck it is, and you're here. So is this something you've always wanted to do?

Yes. How old are you? 31. 31. Uh-huh. And you're still with her? This is your girlfriend? Actually married now. Married? Fuck yeah. How long have you been married for?

About six years. Six years. What do you do for work? I work for a small construction company here in town. Mostly in the office. It's pretty boring. Wow. That's like being a cook in the Navy. Small construction, so you build miniatures?

How about your wife of six years? What does she do for work? She's in research at the university here. Oh yeah, what is she researching? Spinal cord injury. Wow, look at that. Oh snap. Oh yeah. My goodness. Wow, look at that. Oh, snap. Oh, yeah. My goodness.

Yes, Chip. Yeah, I got a question. Why was your mouth near your wife's hoo-ha? Ha, ha, ha. They didn't do that back then, huh? I was hungry. Wow.

So your wife's pussy was burning. It's a dirty pit of babies down there. That's it. Dirty pit of babies? Dirty pit of babies? Yeah, that's pussy was burning. It's a dirty pit of babies down there. That's it. Dirty pit of babies? Dirty pit of babies? Yeah, that's how it happens. What is going on over there? Nothing comes good from that hole.

All right. So, Ricky. I'm just playing. I've got nine children. Okay. All right. Tried to save it. Didn't work

Oh yeah, there you go The hole's getting deeper There it is Can you feel it? Fuck yeah What the fuck? I love it So, wacky, wacky part of the show, I guess

So, Ricky, tell us more about you What are some fun facts about you that we would find interesting I don't know I live a pretty regular life I got a young son so he occupies a lot of my time how old is he? he's two keep him away from future

player JDK whatever you do tell him don't ever talk to strangers and don't ever take comic books out of somebody's bag. Yes. Young Sung sounds like an Oriental. Oh my god. Oh my god.

This fucking thing is out of control right now. Damn. Look at that broke-ass Joel Berg chant if I've ever heard one before. It's a bunch of sad people wondering, like, Joelberg? Joelberg?

So, wow, you got a son. What do you guys like to do together, you and the son? No, come on, Red Band. They're not getting it on. There's plenty of room in my hole over here What do you and your son like to do for bonding time? We go to the park We read books together I change his diaper a lot

Yeah He's two? How long do kids stay in diapers for? What's the average age? I mean, we're trying to get him potty trained He's just not that interested So Jesus Christ

We have a lady here Clearly on mushrooms tonight I'm very excited Clearly she came in from Colorado for this So you're saying because your son is disinterested in potty training, he's just not moving forward? He'd just rather me do it for him.

That's when you take your kid by the collar, punch him in the gut and say, you better poop yourself, kid. Wow, that's some old school parenting right there. Wow. Did your wife's pussy change when the baby came out? Did you notice a difference?

Oh. Um. Go ahead. Answer the question. Ricky, answer the fucking question right now and answer it honestly. Bread man. Bread man. So, yeah, I had to wait a few months after the kid was born. bread man. So

yeah I had to wait a few months after the kid was born. The flavor was pretty much the same. Uh huh. The flavor? God you're really into these flavored pussies. Uh huh. Was it bigger?

Lippier? Meatier? No I mean. I'm just Uh-huh. Was it bigger, lippier, meatier? No, I mean... I'm just curious. No, actually, surprisingly, it does pretty much go back to the same shape

as before. Uh-huh. Closed. Pretty close, yeah. There's more, like, air in it now, though. It's like a... Did you notice

more queefing? It's like a cave. I think she tries to hide it, actually. She'll get up and leave the room unannounced. Maybe she's farting. I don't know. Jeremiah's looking up the definition of

queefing in a newspaper. For those of you wondering what the audience is laughing at, you can't find it. Alright, Ricky. Anything else we need to know about you before you go? Anything else crazy ever happen to you? Have you ever won any trophies for anything? Ever win a trophy before?

I mean, just participation trophies, really. Yeah, what did you participate in? I don't know. You don't know what you participated in? Probably coming in fifth in a track race or something. A track race. Yeah. There you go.

All right, well, Ricky, congratulations. You had your first time on stage here tonight. Thank you. I don't know what else to tell you. Do you think this is something you're going to do again? Probably not. Why is that? Why do you think tonight's your one and done?

I don't know. Normally, we're not on the stage. You would get off stage and go, you know what, that was okay. You know, don't be scared about this whole process. No, I might give it another shot. It was fun. I don't know.

That's the spirit. There you go. Ricky W., everybody. There he goes. Ricky W. Heck, yeah. Bye, Ricky. All right.

I feel like something crazy is about to happen right now. I can feel it in the air. You guys feel that too? You wouldn't know. This is your first live kill, Tony. The fuck do you know? You don't know what it feels like when it's in the air. I can feel it, though.

Put your hands together for Andy Mack, everybody. Andy Mack. We are in Seattle. Oh, I see him. Seattle song. Yeah. S-E-A-T-L-E. Seattle is just for me.

Kind of looks familiar. Everybody loves Seattle. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Where the fuck is the next comedian? Let's get on stage. One more time for Andy Mack everybody here we go, thanks guys, appreciate it alright, so

I got pretty lucky I'm like really attracted to my girlfriend I got pretty lucky there, we'll be sitting out like side by side at a bar and she'll look me in the eye and she'll like run her hand up my thigh and then I'm just, bink instantly, instantly hard but then, my problem is my anxiety kicks in at that point and I'm just, bink, instantly, instantly hard. But then my problem

is my anxiety kicks in at that point and I'm worried like the fire alarm is going to go off and then I'm stuck there because everyone's going for the door and like, baby, you coming? No, no, no, I'm right here. There's absolutely no way I'm getting up right now because I'm transported back to middle school. All of a sudden I got hormones going on. I don't know what's going on with my body. Bink, I'm hard. No reason. Andrew, do you want to come to the front of the class and do the operation? No. I absolutely do not. No way. Anyway, that's it.

What? I don't know what the fuck you just said at all, Andy. No way. What just happened? Well, I was talking about boners. Whoops. Look at you. Look at your little emoticon-shaped head that you have. Look at that.

It's a perfect circle. Yeah, it does look like a boner. You're like Super Mario without the super part. You're just regular old Mario. Exactly. Did you practice any of... Is this your first time on stage? First time doing stand-up.

First time doing stand-up. What else have you done on a stage before? Just a lot of local community theater when I was younger. He was our president in 1909, Theodore Roosevelt. Oh, my God. I didn't kill as well back then. That is exactly what he fucking looks like. Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Theodore Roosevelt?

Definitely do. I mean, since the stash, I've gotten weird Tom Selleck fanfic. Now, let me ask you this. When you practiced your set for tonight, did you practice on the other Pep Boys? No. Yeah. What do you do for work, Andy?

I schedule doctor's appointments. You schedule doctor's appointments. Oh, you're a hypochondriac. Hold on. Very good. There he is. There she is. Alright, so you're a receptionist at a doctor's office.

Yeah, essentially. Just a desk job. Is it fun? What kind of doctor are we talking about? Foot doctor? Regular doctor? I actually do all sorts of stuff, but most of my doctors I schedule for like orthopedics. Orthopedics? Yeah. So broken bones and all that kind of stuff.

Right, right, right, right, right. How do you get into that specialty? Nepotism. I have a sister-in-law that got me the job. I was not qualified. Sister-in-law. You were not qualified. How long have you been doing that for?

Six years now. Six years. Yeah, I work for UW, though, so it's going to help pay for school. What's that? University of Washington. University of Washington. The U of W. I gotcha.

And you're going to school right now? Yeah, I'm starting in the fall. What are you studying? Nursing. Nursing? What? Nurse? That's not a man's job.

Get yourself a real job. I'm Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper. Target. I'm just saying, it sounded like Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper? You know who Jack the Ripper is? Sensitive subject.

You ever heard of Jack the Ripper before? I've heard of the tales before, yes. Has anyone ever told you, Chip, that you sort of sound like Jack the Ripper? You might have solved a mystery. We've had him on the show before. I think you figured something out. Wait a second. I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh, no. Is this... Wait, are you in disguise as a paper boy right now? Is there something you'd like to tell us, Chip? I am not going to talk to you anymore. Okay, all right. He's got his throat up against the microphone.

What's happening right now? The news stopped that day. Oh! Wow. He may be in my family, but I have nothing else to say on the matter. Okay. And that's that.

All right. Okay. We're gonna move on here. Could be a distant relative. All right, yeah, could be closely related. You guys are around the same time frame, I do believe. Is that correct? Okay.

All right. Usually that happens after something, something like cool happens or something. And we're just having a conversation right now. Red Band has really fallen off the wagon. He's cracking himself up, so I guess that's all that really matters to Red Band right now. He's on vacation. Do you have any more Don Target jokes?

Do you have any more? No, don't make fun of him. That just makes him press more buttons. So Andy, let's talk. The thing that makes me the saddest is that our president had to see this. Yeah. That's right. You were around that time.

Andy, tell us. So you're doing receptionist work. You're studying for school. So what does a guy like you do for fun? What are you into? Well, I ride Harley. Really? Wow.

You seem more like a sidecar type of guy to me than a than the guy that rides the Harley. Nice scarf. How long you been riding motorcycles for? Since I was 16. So yeah, 12 years. You seem like more like an electric bicycle kind of guy than a Harley Davidson. You have a real you have your own Harley?

Yeah, I do. Wow. My goodness. That must really be. I mean, it's just an anomaly. I've never seen such a nerdy Harley guy before. It went in my mustache. Any accidents? Any close calls? No, but there was one time I ran over a rattlesnake that was like pretty much the whole length of the road.

That was pretty gross. Whoa. Did it pop on you? It definitely went squish. Oh, my God. By the time I went over it because the motorcycle in front of me went first and the thing was just absolutely galloping up and down.

That's crazy. Wow. Who had more poison on him at the time? You or the snake? More white snake but yeah some poison too. Alright well. Andy what's your love life like? You have yourself a nurse at home? Well she's gonna go to school for nursing too but yeah I have a girlfriend about a year and life like? Do you have yourself a nurse at home? Well, she's going to go to school for nursing too.

But yeah, I have a girlfriend about a year and two months. Do you guys ever dress up like nurses in the bedroom? Or maybe she's the nurse, you play the receptionist that shouldn't be allowed to talk to her or whatever? Like, oh, Doc would be mad if he knew that you were by the front desk. Yeah, that's true. I mean, my doctors ride me pretty hard, too, so I guess she's the doctor. Stick with me here.

You're saying your girl has the exact same job that you do? No, not currently, but studying to be. That's loud. So, Andy, do you guys ever... Yeah, so far, it's just coming, buddy. Andy, stick with me over here. Andy, do you guys ever dress up in the bedroom, you and your girlfriend? I mean, occasionally.

Like what? What have you dressed up like? We've done the nurse thing before, yeah. Really? You really have? Yeah, yeah. So what, you were in scrubs and she was in like a dirty nurse's outfit? Like a white skirt with a weird white hat that nobody ever really wears?

Yeah, right. Yeah, that's right. It's the whole nine, sure. All right. Well, it looks like you're just agreeing with everything I'm saying. I feel like I don't really believe you. Have you ever been choked or do you like choking? Would you like to be choked right now by Brian Redband?

Do you see the bruises? Do I still have them? No. So you don't. All right, Andy. You're an adorable, adorable man. I can't believe that you ride Harleys and you're a receptionist at the doctor's office. Do doctors ever yell at you for being loud in the parking lot?

Like, Andy, we got to get you a regular vehicle. Anything like that? No, I actually don't commute on the bike, but I should have. You don't go to work on your bike? No, I could, though. I'm revving in the parking lot. How do you get to work, then? Bus, like anybody else.

Oh, well, there you go. I mean, I don't know how that works, but I guess like anybody else. Yep, I agree with you. That's what humans do. I'm a normal human just like everybody else. We all take the bus. Oh, we're taking the bus back to L.A. tonight. You know what I mean?

Never been on the bus. There he goes. Andy Mack, everybody. On to the next one. Let's keep this fun train moving along. There he goes. Have you ever been on a bus for real? Yeah.

Like public transportation? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, when I first moved to Los Angeles, I was on the bus a lot. Really? Buses and trains, yep. I've never been on the bus. You've never been on a bus before? In London, but that's about it.

Yeah, we were on a little double-decker. That wasn't a real bus. It was a bus. Put your hands together for Giddon Seagal, everyone. Giddon. Giddon.agal everyone. Giddon. Giddon. Giddon. Giddon. Giddon Seagal. Here he comes.

He's got a good pace. Making it to the stage. Late show Seattle. We still rocking this bitch. What's happening? Something's gonna give here. I can feel it. Gidden Segal. Hey, everybody. How you doing?

So Bono's been in the news lately. Had enough of this guy. You know, I think with all the sexual harassment accusations going on on social media, it's about time Bono got his. I don't think he's guilty of anything. I'm just excited for the headline, You too? Me too.

Me too. So I grew up Jewish. It's tricky being Jewish. You notice prejudice more, I think, in the world. You're more aware of it. And it's hard not to notice that Islamophobia is on the rise in this country. And it's fucked up, man. It's really fucked up, especially because

that used to be our thing. Like, Jews hated Muslims, Muslims hated Jews. It was a closed loop of hatred. Okay, I feel like you regular white people are moving in on our hatred, and I don't like that. I'm not trying to be like a prejudice hipster. Like, oh, you got into Islamophobia after 9-11? That's cool.

You should check out the earlier stuff. There you go. All right. Gidden? Am I saying that right? It's Gidon. Gion. Gidon.

Like, uh, like ghee, like the butter? Gidon. Yeah. Gidon. Like the ghostbusters. Gidon Seagal. Yeah. Heck yeah.

I love it. Uh, so your wife is seven months pregnant and, uh... Yeah. Lost the hat and, uh... wife is seven months pregnant and lost the hat. Has anyone ever told you you look like if Waldo hid in a Cabela's magazine before? Alright. Let's talk about it. Get on.

Get on. Get on. Get on it. I don't like the sound of that. So get on. How long you been doing stand-up? About a year. About a year. All here in Seattle?

No, I'm actually, I live in Portland. Oh, really? Were you at the Portland show? I was. Yeah. How do you think that show compares to this one at all? Would you like to tell these people? Seattle's fucking kicking Portland's ass, man.

Yeah. Portland fucking suck, guys. Just don't listen to that episode when it comes out, and it'll be fine. I'm so glad I didn't get called up at Portland because everybody got a fucking standing ovation, and I feel like I'm not worthy.

Right, and then that happened. Yeah. No, it's so fun. I'm glad that you uh you made the trip what a trooper coming to all these kill tonys yeah huge fan of the show how long you been listening to it for i think uh three about three years three years do you think it's one of the things that inspired you to start doing stand-up comedy yeah it is um i promised my girlfriend i tell you you inspired me to start doing stand-up comedy oh well there you go like now it feels like I spoon-fed you that. No, no, no, no.

Wait, I was going to say this. It's sincere. I was going through a lot of depression at that time in my life, and you guys really got me through it. That's awesome. I know that sounds corny, but you got like. I love it. Well, in return, you are making us all depressed up here.

So it's amazing how things come full circle. You know, I was having fun before, and now I'm completely depressed. We also went through a great depression. Hey. Joel Burr. I love it. So that's so cool. The Bono joke was great.

What else? What was the other thing you talked about again? Remind me. I'm Jewish. Jewish. We don't like Muslims. Let's talk about that. Not me. I love them. I do. How Jewish are you? I'm not really Jewish. What are you? I don't'm not really Jewish. Hey! What are you?

I don't know how aware you are of, like, Jew rules, but my dad's Jewish, and my mom isn't, like, by family. So, like, depending on who you ask, I'm not Jewish at all. Right, but you could be if you just ask. I had a bar mitzvah. I'm like, I had all the things, you know? Right, yeah. You look like it.

So, what do you do for work? I do like Postmates on my bike. Oh, yeah, you're not Jewish. Yeah, definitely not Jewish. That makes it official. Postmates on your bike. Yeah. You do bike delivery? I do bike delivery, yeah. That's a solid

job. Thank you. I love it. That is some of the most Portland shit I've ever heard in my life. Postmates on a bike. So you ever have anything crazy happen with that? You ever get into like

fights with anybody? I almost fought a guy that got out of his Jeep because he almost hit me with his Jeep. But then he was a bitch. So you're one of those bicycle guys that yells at people in cars like follow the fucking rules and we're like shut up you bicycle bitch.

The whole time I'm just going move bitch get out the way and then I realize people can hear me and I'm like oh this is embarrassing. There you go. I clean my windshield like I put my wipers on right when I go by a biker every time. I don't get what that does. It squirts you with water.

No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. I drive a car also, and it doesn't do that. Yes, it does. It just goes to the top of the... I've always wanted to know, what is your hat?

Can I ask that? Is that okay? It's something you put on your head to cover your head. Whoa. Wow, we got a real verbal war going on up here. Heck yeah.

Germans versus the Jews all over again. So tell us more about you, Gideon. Man, like I moved to Portland about a year ago. I'm from a small town in California called Chico. Yeah, I know about Chico. You do? Yep, my mom's husband

lives there. Basically, I guess what people call their stepdad or whatever the fuck. Chico, little fucking hillbilly. Wow, somebody's got issues. No, they got married long after I... Would you like one right here? All right. They got married long after I was in California, so it's one of those, like, it's weird calling some...

Anyway, all right. No, let's get into this. Stepdad. Sachiko, and you've been in Portland a year. And how long have you felt that way, Tony? What? How long have you felt that way? Very long. Very long. Okay, Gideon. Very long.

Is that an Oriental? All right, guys. All right. Very good. Very, very good. So, Gideon. Is that your impression of us? They're feral animals. Don't touch them. So Gideon, tell me more about you

buddy. Jewish. That's pretty plain. Keep buddy. Jewish, that's pretty plain. Keep going. Yeah, it's pretty plain. So, I live in Portland with my girlfriend. We live in a house together. I just hang out with her. What does your girlfriend do?

She just got a job at a kid's store. At a what? A kitten's store? A kid's store. Kid's store. Yeah, they sell kid's stuff. Yeah, that's gonna be closed soon. Amazon is just absolutely destroying everything

that is a kids store. Yeah, Portland's a fucking island, man. It's been open for 35 years, and it's going strong. I love it. Yeah. We mostly just hang out together, and I smoke a shitload of weed, and she likes to watch. Ah. Yeah. Heck hang out together, and I smoke a shitload of weed, and she likes to watch.

Oh. Yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah. And then we do sex stuff together. Yeah? Yeah. Do you have any special moves that you do?

You ever do? You have anything? I got to suck on her nipples, man. Really? Oh, yeah. Gasp. Wow. I didn't know that was devious.

She can't come without it. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. What's her areola size? Would you say applesauce? Oh, wow. They're pretty dominant, I would say, but they're nice.

Not the big Gatorade bottle, but the littler one. The smaller Gatorade bottle. Wow. Are they bigger or smaller than your bicycle wheels? They're smaller than my bicycle wheels. Do they look like they've been bit off at the end, like there's a big chunk missing, or are they just smooth? Well, now there is. Oh.

Yeah, because of me. You can talk about ladies this way? All right, well, get on. That's fun. How long have you been with your girlfriend for? A little over a year. She's not even your wife? What?

Wow. These newspaper guys talk a lot, huh? I treasure. So where did you meet your girlfriend at? We met in Chico right before I moved away. Yeah, we met on Tinder. Oh, on Tinder. What did your profile say at the time?

I think it said, like, shit. I think it said that I'm a blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, so it said that because you just put that forward, you know. And I said something along the lines of, like, I can always protect you. Wow, look at that. Is that really true? You're a blue belt in jiu-jitsu?

Oh, my God. That's incredible. Are you still working at it? You still doing it? I've been on hiatus for like two and a half years. Why is that? I had a falling out with my teacher. Oh, how'd that happen? What, he tried to charge you for classes and you're like, uh, now

I'm Jewish. You're like, I'm with a Jew in jujitsu. That's cool. There you go. Jew-jitsu. No, just like you, he had vague white supremacist vibes, so I couldn't really hang anymore. I'm just kidding, Tony.

You mean a proud American. Sorry. Please don't be mad at me. You're like my best friend. Did he really? Is that really what he did? Kind of. Why?

What did he say? What did he do? Man, there was just too many white supremacists training at that gym. Explain to me what makes someone a white supremacist. They were posting. There's regular people, and then there's social media. And on social media, these guys were posting Holocaust denial, what have you. And then we were all like, ah!

And then it was like, the teacher was like, I need money. Because I'm their Facebook friend. And you were researching their profiles. Well, it pops up on your feed. Oh, right. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm just saying, like, but they were, so they were actively posting. You saw that they were your classmates, and they were denying that the Holocaust happened? Or like, yeah, in that vein.

So a bunch of dumb people. Yeah, yes. Chico's, like, really redneck, vein. So a bunch of dumb people. Yes. Chico's like really redneck, man. Yeah. He should have known from day one when his instructor refused to wear a black belt. A black belt. Too many words. Joel Burr.

Alright. Geed on. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket here tonight. I had a lot of fun with you. Yeah. There he goes, everybody. Geedon Seagal, everyone. On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said.

Everybody's having fun on a Sunday night. Go home tomorrow morning. What? Fuck yeah. Ooh, got two names on this one. Ooh, there goes one. Put your hands together for Cody Lemons, everyone. Cody Lemons.

Perhaps Katie Lemons? Hell yeah. See movement? Cody Lemons. Oh, there she is. Maybe. Oh, Katie Lemons? It's either Cody or Katie.

Do you just need to take a shit? All right. Cody Lemons. Oh, there we go. Here we are, everybody. All right. All right, so yeah, I'm Cody Lemons. You guys could call me the Lemonator.

So I'm not really from Washington. I've been up here for about six months. I live in a tiny little town called Monroe. I'm not really from Washington. I've been up here for about six months. I live in a tiny little town called Monroe. I'm originally from Los Angeles. You know, big Kill Tony fan. Gone to the Comedy Store many times. So I used to do a lot of drugs. A lot of cocaine.

A lot of cocaine. Any cocaine fans here? Can I get a woo-woo? Huh? Yeah, so... I might have micro-dosed a little bit of acid today. The lights are pretty bright, you know, so... Cut me some slack, you know.

Misjudge this 60 seconds a little bit. Let me get this out the way, you know. That's a comedian's first move. Get the me get this out the way, you know? That's a comedian's first move. Get the mic stand out of the way, you know? Should be coming up on my time any minute now. Yeah, there you go. That's the one thing you got right. You knew where your time was.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. This is the first time we've ever had Khabib perform on this show. Congratulations on your big win over Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. This is the first time we've ever had Khabib perform on this show. Congratulations on your big win over Conor McGregor. Go ahead,

Chip. To all the kids listening out there, this is why you don't do drugs. There you go. And when you say microdose, you mean overdosed?

You seem a little bit trippy right now. You a little bit trippy or you just sort of? I'm chilling. I'm big chilling. Oh, okay. All right. Relax.

You seem like a guy from Illinois on spring break in Florida right now. You have like this weird like I'm just trying to fit in. Like, you know what I mean? Everything's cool. Everything is cool, yeah. Yeah, it is. All right. So, Cody, you said you're originally from L.A.

You live here now. Yeah. How long have you lived here for? It's coming up on about eight months. Right into the tip of that microphone. Eight months. Eight months. So what made you move to Seattle? So my mom opened up a wine bar, a wine bar here over here in Snohomish, a little small little hillbilly town. Uh huh. You live with your mom. Yeah. How old are you? Twenty five. Twenty five. 25 living with mom she's doing good though she opened up her own wine bar what I said are you writing down that yeah I take notes

every every episode of the show I take little notes I pick and choose which ones I take I wrote down your motherfucking age 25 because I want to have it as a reference point when I ask you other questions like maybe I'll say something like, ah, you're 25 years old. You know what I mean? You know what the fuck's going on right now? Asking me goddamn questions? So Cody, what do you do? Your mom has a wine bar.

Right now I just, I slang phones. I slang phones for Sprint. Anybody needs a tablet? Anybody need some handsets? You know, I got you. He's talking about the tablet. Oh, my God. What?

Oh, Jesus, Brian. But I also pour wine. You know, like I said, my mom owns a wine bar. Anybody needs to be poured up. You know, we got wine flights on deck. So your mom's pouring up and you are slanging phones. Yeah, well, phone service. You know, I don't work for Apple.

I work for Sprint. So I Sprint. You work for Sprint? Sprint, yeah, yeah. Not AT&T, not Verizon, phone service. I don't work for Apple. I work for Sprint. You work for Sprint? Sprint, yeah, yeah. Not AT&T, not Verizon. Do they know that you... Did they know that... Wow.

Apparently someone... Apparently someone snuck into our green room and roofied all of us. I must have missed whatever. Does Sprint know that you work for them? Ah, there you go. You are an official Sprint employee. As of right now, yeah.

As of right now, you wear the yellow shirt and a name tag. It's a black shirt, but I got the lanyard, the yellow lanyard. Okay, very cool. How long have you been working for Sprint? Six months. I used to be a mortician before, so I used to bury bodies. Get the fuck out of here. Really?

How long were you a mortician for? My whole life. My mom owned mortuaries before she opened the wine bar. Really? So you're used to performing in front of a dead audience. My goodness. Mortician. I mean, I don't think we've ever had a mortician.

I don't believe so. I think I've watched all your episodes. You ain't never had that. So that's a new one. Be honest. Have you ever had a really hot dead woman and you came down and you just kind of looked at her a little longer than you should have? Maybe. Red band.

Red band. I mean, that's a legit question. You know it is. Anyway, have you? Did you ever look at a hot dead chick a little bit longer than you should have?

Dead band. Anything scary ever happen to you? It must have been weird being a... My first body that I seen was very young. How old to you when you were... It must have been weird being a... I mean, of course, you know, like my first body that I seen was very young, you know? Growing up in the... How old were you when you saw your first dead body? Three years old.

My mom was like, don't drink and drive, you know? Wow, really? Is that true? Yeah, she's like, this is what happens. My goodness. I've heard of the belt, but I've never heard of this. Did it work? Yeah, I got that too, you know?

Have you ever drank and drove? Of course. Oh, wow, okay okay So it didn't work Heck yeah Really scared the shit out of you Okay so you work at Sprint Living with your mom You ever get laid

Living with your mom? You know I've been known to Get laid a couple times Yeah At your mom's house? Not this You know not this house

But maybe back in the day Right Back when I was in California In my prime time. Now I'm old. Oh my God. So you haven't gotten laid since living in Seattle? No, I have a girlfriend now.

Oh, okay. Where'd you meet her at? Janay. Tinder. Tinder. What does your Tinder profile say? It says I smoke cannabis occasionally. That's what it says?

Hold on, let me finish. Jesus. It says I smoke cannabis occasionally. That's what it says? Hold on. Let me finish. Jesus. It says I smoke cannabis occasionally and let's dance or what with a question mark, smiley face, and a couple hearts. Damn. Jesus. You want to go on a date with me?

I know what I want. I like this profile. Okay. And that worked for you a lot? Was that your first date on Tinder, your current girlfriend? Yeah, and it stuck together. And we're just happily ever after now. What is she like? What is she into?

I don't know. She's going to school. She works at an old people's home. Yeah. She's doing a lot more than I am. So basically you and your girlfriend have a before and after job. Yeah. You could say that. Your mom went from having her own mortuary to having her own wine bar.

Big career change, yeah. Uh-huh. Is your mom with a guy right now? She has this boyfriend that comes around occasionally. And he fucks your mom with a guy right now? She has this boyfriend that comes around occasionally. And he fucks your mom? He hits on her. Yeah, I guess. White guy, black guy, oriental?

What are we talking about? He's a normal white guy. He used to be a narc. What do you mean he used to be a narc? Like a narcotics officer. He really was? Yeah. He carries the burner on him at all times.

The what? The gun. Oh, wow. His sidearm. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I thought you meant where they cremate bodies. The burner. That's called the crematory there.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. You got it all figured out. Oh, yeah. So you ever get along with that guy? I don't really talk to him. You don't talk to him? Never?

Because he knows, you know, a little bit of cocaine. He's a narcotics officer. Wow. You do cocaine every day? No, I haven't. I used to. Like, you know, since I was a young kid, I used to. But I haven't.

Like how young? I went to jail for a short period of time. I was in Men's Central. So. How long is a short period of time? How long were you in jail for? So when I was 18, I did a short stint. Like how long?

Six months. And then last time I did like a year and a half. Year and a half. Both times for cocaine? Cocaine and possession of firearms. Uh-huh. Anything crazy happen to you when you were in jail? Did you have to join a gang or anything like that?

No, you don't have to join a gang. But if you want the perks, you know, you should. Hell yeah. Is that what you did? Did you want the perks? Well, I just, you know, is that what you did? Did you want the perks? Yeah, I wanted free lunch. Yeah. Yeah. So next race. Yeah. So what gang did you join? No, not a gang I just put in work, you know, so you just get down whenever you're supposed to be a little more descriptive Cody You're using the slang so we don't understand

Putting in work. What does that mean? You saw it time? It's child time. It's child time. Everybody's eating, you know? And so if something pops off, like, between your race, then you have to do that. You know what I mean? And then, so, if I'm the one to jump first, then when lunch comes around next time, I get the extra trays. You know what I'm saying? Wow. No, I don't know what you're saying at all.

Which is weird, because I should know exactly what you're saying, but I don't. Extra, extra. read all about it. This man just made me poop my pants. Why did he make you poop your pants? He's terrifying. Have you listened to anything he said? I guess so.

Have you looked into his eyes yet? He looked at me twice and I went, ah. I like your style, Cody. It was nice to have you on this show. Anything you want to say? Any closing remarks here? Nah, man, but I watch you guys all the time. Like I said, I'm from L.A.,

been to the Comedy Store many times. I'm just glad to be up here. Glad you guys called me. Rock and roll. Appreciate everything you guys do there, you know? Fuck yeah, there you go. Cody Lemons, everybody. There he goes.

There goes Cody. Cody Lemons, everybody. There he goes. There goes Cody. I love it. Oh. That's... How about a hand for the band here tonight, huh? Killing it.

Making good music. Whole new playlist. Hey, we got a one-word name out of the bucket this time. Put your hands together for Mason, everybody. Mason, everyone. Let's see what happens here. Here he comes. Straight from the second row.

This is very exciting. One more time for Mason. Mason. So I got dumped on Christmas, which makes me think that Santa's real. He's pissed up and telling kids he's not. And he's a dick. Speaking of dicks, I blew a guy. Wasn't as a response to the dumping, it was years ago.

There are probably worse ways to find out without a shadow of a doubt that you're not gay, but... That was a fucking hard one. of a doubt that you're not gay, but that was a fucking hard one. The only silver lining is that now when someone calls me a faggot, I have a really weird amount of confidence when I just say, no. The downside of that is that I can't explain why I have it, or the cycle just repeats. As much as that sucks, it's still better than waking up to the dual Christmas presents of Kris Kringle's revenge and loneliness. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. Look at you. I like the way your tits bounce when you laugh. It's adorable. Look at you, you little fucking grown man. Did you just walk through the wall of the diesel bar? Do you even know where you're at right now? You think this is karaoke at the diesel bar? You're in the wrong room, dude.

So let's talk about it. Mason, first time ever doing stand-up? Yes, sir. Wow, look at that. Heck yeah. It's like you can smell fear. No, no. I mean, well, I can smell you

if that's what you're wondering. No, I'm kidding, Mason. You smell fucking fantastic. You smell like a, I can smell you if that's what you're wondering. No, I'm kidding, Mason. You smell fucking fantastic. You smell like a goddamn Christmas tree or something like that. Yes. I have a whole different angle over here. So, Mason, tell me more about you. Welcome to the show.

Congratulations. Did you really get dumped on Christmas? Yeah. Wow. Did it break your heart? Yeah, it took some time to bounce back from that, yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Wow. Did it break your heart? It took some time to bounce back from that, yeah. Is that true? Yeah.

I can't tell whether you're being sarcastic or not. No, I'm not. Actually, I just finally got some closure on Thursday. You finally got some closure on Thursday. What did you find out? A couple of the reasons for the breakup. Tell us. Can you please tell us?

Come on. We have to know, Mason. Come on. Tell us the truth right into the reasons for the breakup. Tell us. Can you please tell us? Come on. We have to know, Mason. Come on. Tell us the truth right into the tip of that microphone. Well, we had a fight on Christmas. Mason, good and loud. Look where my microphone is compared to my mouth. It's right next to it.

There you go. We had a fight on Christmas and left her with her sisters who don't like me. Her mom, who doesn't like me, got involved later. Why don't, let me ask you this before we go any further. Okay, you know what? You keep going. I'll get back to it. Oh, God. So we fought about it. She told me things were over and tried to give our things back to each other. Her mom and sister, who I really fucking hate, came over to my place against my wishes.

I kind of called them out on some of the things they'd done to her. They went back, made up a bunch of shit that I'd said about my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, and, yeah, it's girlfriend, and it took three months before she talked to me again. Keep going. No, just keep going. I could listen

to this forever. I might not even go back to Los Angeles in the morning. I could literally listen to this for the rest of my life. Tony's getting hard right now, by the way. Yeah, anyways, it got me to go to therapy and start working on myself, and here I am doing something that absolutely

terrifies me as a way of trying to cope and grow as a person. Hey! High five, Mason. I like that fucking answer. One of the greatest answers in the history of the show. So, the sisters

and the mom, why do they hate you so much? Why do you think that is? Dual reason. A, we dated before in the past briefly and broken up and also they have a pretty bad relationship with her where she does everything for them.

And pays the bills. Hold on, I gotta check in with Chip over here. Extra, extra. Read all about it. This guy's making me really sad. Oh, come on. No, it's a good story.

He's here. Everything he says, it sounds like he's about to start crying. Oh, come on. If you listen closely, now you'll hear it. No, come on. I don't even have to listen closely. I can hear it easily. But we have to just keep plowing through you'll hear it. No, come on. I don't even have to listen closely. I can hear it easily, but we have to just keep plowing through and not acknowledging it. If you acknowledge

it, he's probably actually going to cry, but it's too late for that. Then I'm going to start crying. If you both start crying, I'll start crying just for the hell of it. Oh, he's laughing now. Look at him. Look at him. He's happy as like he is on a NASCAR Sunday or something like that.

So your ex-girlfriend, how long were you guys together for this last time? About six, seven months. Wow, six, seven months. And how long were you together before the first time that you dated? Three or four. Three or four months. So that's it. It's a pretty short period of time.

It should be pretty easy to get over. Have you been on any dates since then? Nope. No. Wow. Really? Have you... Have you... Have you... Have you kissed

a girl other than her in the past six months or a year or anything like that? Nope. Really? Yeah. Is there a woman out there in this audience that will come up here and give this guy a kiss, huh? Can we get a volunteer from the audience out there? If you just walk over here, I'm sure they'll let it happen. You have my permission.

By the way, if no woman comes up, this will be even sadder. I know. If no woman comes up, I'm going to cry. Can we get a woman from the audience? Is there anyone willing to volunteer? All right. Well, I mean. Oh, wait a second.

It appears as though we have one. You guys think this guy should get his first kiss since the big breakup right here on this show? Oh! Booyah! Kill Tony, turning tears into boners since 2014. How do you feel right now? You're smiling ear to ear.

You're red as a fucking stop sign. I'm going to check in with my good friend Chip. I'm just hoping that with this new conference, he starts talking. Things are good. Turns into Rocky Balboa out of nowhere. Everything's so fucking perfect. How do you feel right now? I'm feeling

really fucking good, man. Pretty fucking good. Now you understand that you're a good looking guy. You're out here doing things out of your comfort zone, but you're having fun, right? Doing new fucking things, creating new habits, creating new creative outlets for you,

right? And you're moving forward. And that just goes to show you that anything's fucking possible. Yes, sir. The first fucking, check that out, an opportunity. Jetted up here and gave you a goddamn kiss. I'm going to check in with my best friend in the world, Chip the newspaper delivery guy. Is there any other flappers out there?

We're going to kiss this guy. All right, all right, delivery guy. Is there any other flappers out there? We're gonna kiss this guy. Alright. Alright. Come on. Alright. Well. So, you know, I think that's pretty good. Does it give you a little bit of inspiration? You feel like you got something accomplished here tonight?

Yeah, I do. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm gonna be honest with you, Mason. You're my favorite part of this show so far here tonight. It's definitely emotional. We can all relate to that, man. We can all relate to a relationship ending and sometimes maybe once or twice in our lives having our hearts broken, but you got to just keep plowing forward.

And, yes, I'm going to check in with Phillip. Are we just going to glaze over the fact that he said he blew a guy? Wait, he did? What? I didn't even hear that part. Wait. Wait. Did that happen?

I literally sometimes don't hear things that happen on this show. Sometimes the monitors and the sound. Did you really blow a guy? Oh, I'm sorry. We got to apologize. that happen on this show. Sometimes the monitors and the sound. Did you really blow a guy? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. We got to apologize.

Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean that. Come on, you've blown a guy too. Shut your mouth. So Mason, remind me during your set of how you ended up blowing a guy. He said that's how he knows he's not gay, and I was like, that's the weirdest science experiment ever. Remind me.

So what happened there? How'd you end up blowing a guy? I was just young, kind of experimenting, drunk. When was this? 11, 12 years ago. 11 or 12 years ago. Now, did the handlebar mustache appear magically after the blowjob, or was that already there?

Is that how the guy knew right where to hit the bullseye, right in the middle there? So you blew a guy. Did he finish in your mouth? Yeah, he did. Yep. It's that pause. Did it come out your nose and everything,

and you're like, oh, God. No, no, dragon. You swallowed it. No. No, you spit it out. So you quit it. Wait a second. Wait a second.

I noticed a pause there when I said... If you're going to be gay, be gay all the way. Okay. So I noticed a pause when I said that you spit it out. Did you spit it out? Yeah. Oh, okay. I said on your chest and he squished it around.

Okay, Red Band. All right. Well, Mason, again, a lot of fun with you here tonight. Thank you so much. What do you want to do? What are you laughing at back there? Just seems like there's a lot more we don't know about you so much. What do you want to do? What are you laughing at back there? Just seems like there's a lot more we don't know about. Like what?

What do you want to know? You're on every episode of the show. Tell me what I'm missing here. If you want his phone number, just ask. You want him to blow you right now? Is that what's happening? I mean, I wasn't fishing, but I like what I caught. All right.

There goes Mason, everybody. Let's get Mason out of here. Yeah. Let's do something a little bit special right now, okay? Of course, the great William Montgomery could not make it here tonight. Uh, he is, he hasn't been able to make it on any of this, uh, stretch of the tour. He's stuck working the self storage unit and looking for Tony Chin. Um, however, we do have a one special

surprise for you. There is a guy, uh, the most recent ever golden ticket winner actually happened a few days ago in Portland Oregon this guy we all fell in love with him he literally got a fucking for the first time ever in a gigantic theater a massive standing ovation at the end of a 60 second set this is his second time

ever on the show you're gonna say that you saw him here ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Todd Royce, everyone. Here we go. Yes. Yes. Here he

comes. You guys better make some fucking noise. It has been a crazy week hasn't it everything going on in the news the abortion thing i don't know about you guys but robert pattinson as batman is going to be a fucking abortion they're not even going to be able to show that movie in alabama They're not even gonna be able to show that movie in Alabama. I got a, uh... I got a hell of a look up here. I don't know if you guys can see that. Uh...

I look like Amy Schumer's midway through a horrible transition. I am trying to lose a little bit of weight. I actually started going to a gym. Well, not a gym. Planet Fitness. You can't really call yourself a gym if every Friday night you have a pizza party. You can't really call it a pizza party if you never have stuffed crust

no matter how many times I ask. A little... Yeah, thank you so much. There you go, Todd Royce. Wow. My goodness. Incredible. Opening up Guns Ablazing with a double topical joke.

Those are two things from the news this week. The big Alabama abortion thing and Robert Pattinson being cast as Batman. Incredible that you had the guts to open up with a joke like that. And you nailed it. Like you've done it a million times. I was trying to find the balls to do it. Yeah. Not easy.

Yeah. That's a reach. I loved all the jokes. You had me at, you didn't even have to finish, you didn't have to go any farther on the Amy Schumer thing. You had me at, I look like Amy Schumer. My goodness, Todd. So this is these people's probably other than a couple people that may have been in Portland.

This is their first time seeing you, right? You are from? Tacoma. Tacoma. Fuck yeah. Todd made the drive down to Portland a few days ago. And I mean, it was some fucking magical shit. It was amazing.

Yeah. Is your life changed at all since then? A hundred percent. Really? My wife's talking to me now. She's finding me attractive. Look was amazing. Has your life changed at all since then? A hundred percent. My wife's stalking me now. She's finding me attractive. Look at that. I love that. Was she at the show? She wasn't at that one, no. But you told her all about it. I told her all about it, yes.

That is so fucking cool. Do you need me to stand in front of the light for you? It's okay. Stand right there, just like that. You're perfect right there. This is the dark side of the moon and the bright side of the sun. I can't see you guys at all now. Yeah. We're blinded.

Perfect. Stay right there. I love it. So, Todd, we found out the other day that you've been a professional wrestler for 18 years. Yep. And you go by the name of the American Wet Dream. The American Wet Dream. Heck yeah.

Yes. Stone Cold Creamery was taken. The Rock Erode wasn't going to do it. All right. Well, your last wrestling match, that was when? It wasn't going to do it. All right, well. Your last wrestling match, that was when? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago.

And do you remember who you wrestled? It was a guy named Tectonic. Tectonic? Tectonic, yeah. Oh, you're the one that loves plates. That's better. Tectonic. And did you win that match or you give him the old push?

I gave him the old push. How did he beat you? Do guys really lift you up and slam you? He gave me a body slam. Wow. That's some fucking Andre the Giant shit if he was wide instead of tall. You are something else. For those of you listening to the podcast, he is wide instead of tall. You are something else. For those of you listening to the podcast, he is

basically a perfect circle. You know, actually, honestly, there was a time in my life where I weighed 504 pounds. Wow. You're so skinny back then. Hell yeah. Got it

There he is There she is And I'm 5'10 So before I started losing some weight Which I have lost some weight I thought about gaining 6 more pounds So I could be 5'10 at 5'10 Wow

5'10 and 5'10 Interesting Yeah I guess so So Todd How much longer do you think you're going to live? You had to guess. What's your go-to food? Five, ten years?

What do you think? Go-to food. Yeah, like, what's your go-to food? Like, if you could have... What's your to-go food? Yeah. Like, what do you eat every day or almost every day? You know what's weird?

I've actually become vegan. Whoa. You're not supposed to eat like a whole entire... Was that an actual lamb? Did you guys hear that? That's what vegans start to sound like after a while. They eat so much fucking grass that they just turn into goddamn sheep. Yeah, so are you eating whole yards?

Yeah. How many patches do you goddamn sheep. Yeah, so are you eating whole yards? How many patches do you go through? Yeah, a tree? I go through a few yards a day. Three yards a day. Incredible. Incredible. So what's an average breakfast look like for you? Right now I do a lot of tofu scrambles.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, what do you put on it? Ranch dressing or like what's the catch here scrambles. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, what do you put on it? Ranch dressing? Or like, what's the catch here? Just some fake sausage, fake cheese. Chicken with a chip. How's this guy gare than the last guy who blew a guy? Tofu scrambles. That's interesting.

How about that? Yeah, go ahead. I was just going to say, it's been a while since I've gotten a blowjob. So if there's any lady in the audience that... Oh, look out. Hello. Mason, you want to come back up here and get... Come on, someone did it for you, Mason. Now you got to come up here and return the favor.

Pay it forward, Mason. And this time you better swallow, Mason. It's swallow or be swallowed. Fuck yeah. Suck his Moby dick. My goodness. And you are married, correct, Todd? I am, yes. Remind us of what it is that your wife does for a living

when she's not trying to unsuffocate herself continuously when you've used all the oxygen in the room. What is it that she does for work? I mean, other than when she's hiding the cereal boxes from you, when she finally has a chance to go to work, what is it that she does for work? Is it...

What does she do for work? Yeah, what does she do for work? When she's not adjusting your sleep apnea mask. What does your wife do for work? When she's not adjusting your sleep apnea mask. What does your wife do for work? I mean, there must be something that she does for work when she's not trying to untie your shoes and take

them off of your feet. There must be something that she does when she's not fixing the living room recliner. She must make some type of living. When she's not literally living room recliner. She must make some type of living. When she's not literally living in your shadow.

Yeah. Yeah, remind us of what your wife does for work. When she's not wiping off your seat in the shower. Yeah, what does your wife do? What does your wife do for a living? Go ahead.

You can answer. When she's not cutting McDonald's coupons for you, there must be something that she does to make money for a J-O-B perhaps something like that, right?

When she's not scrubbing your handicapped ramp. When she's not changing the tires on your rascal scooter. Yes. There must be something that she does for a living right

like perhaps she you know takes a break from perhaps she takes a break from taking your blood pressure once in a while to she's not busy cutting your arm out of the blood pressure machine yeah there must be something.

So does she have a job? Does she have a job? You know, something that she does when she's not... Does she ever get a break from doing your dishes? She must... There must be something that... Yes. Yes.

There must be something that... I'm positive of it. She's a personal trainer. Woo! Todd I am absolutely positively in love with you it was love at first sight in Portland this is we're two for two again you golden tickets never go away so feel free to cash in again

anytime you want I'm coming to LA there he is he's gonna come to come to L.A. You're going to see this guy at the Comedy Store. Todd Royce, everybody. Man, we've hit our heart out. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? A quick one.

It's got to be quick. We're going against the rules here. So it's only one. It's going to be a quick one. We all agree on that, right? We're all going to leave happy no matter what happens. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Matt B, everyone. Matt B.

Matt B. Mary had a little lamb. Yes, she did, little lamb Matt B's gotta be coming up here Here he comes Hey, here he is, Matt B Hey, what's going on? I am thinking about

canceling my 24 hour fitness membership Went in there the other day and this guy was taking a shit in the shower. And after he's done taking a shit in the shower, he walked up to this adjacent mirror, started aggressively grooming

his eyebrows. And it was very uncomfortable. I went on for about 20 minutes and the longer it went on, the more aggressive he started grooming his eyebrows. And so I was like, I gotta tell the guy at the front counter. So I told the guy at the front counter and he's like, yeah, that's Leonard. He's got mental problems. And I was like, yeah, that's, I understand that's uncomfortable, but can you send someone

down to clean the shit out of the shower? And he's like, yeah, well, unfortunately Leonard's shift doesn't start for another half an hour. That's all I really got. Thanks. Hey, there you go. I like that. My goodness, Matt B. How are you? I'm great. How are you guys? Is that your first time doing

stand-up? First time. Wow. Look at that. That's a great, great set for the first time. That's great, man. That's fucking incredible. So your wife is seven months pregnant, three months away from having a baby. Has anyone ever told you before that you look like Waldo was hiding in a Cabela's magazine? Yeah. Another fat guy

with a beard. Heck yeah. It's you. So, Matt, how's it going? It's great. You excited? Is this something you've always wanted to do? I'll pick your nose and think about it for a little bit. Not really. I really enjoy

stand-up comedy, but I don't know if I can do it. That's tough. I mean, you just did fine. You nailed the 60-second joke right down the middle. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? How old are you? I'm 42. 42.

You hunt your own meat? I hunt my own meat. I'm actually vegan. Really? Is that true? That's true. My goodness. How long have you been vegan for? I'm actually vegan. Really? Yeah. Is that true? That's true. My goodness. How long have you been vegan for?

I've been vegetarian since I was 16 and off and on vegan since then. Really? Why? Why is that? You know, just kind of the same old reasons why. Mostly, I just want to be comfortable with what I eat. You don't like steak? You don't like eating a nice, juicy fucking steak. I haven't had steak in

over 20 years. 20 years. I don't know what it tastes like anymore. But why? I'm curious as to why. Do you feel bad for animals or something? Do you have any animals of your own? I don't right now. I live in my truck, so it's kind of hard to... Oh, you live in your truck. That's interesting.

So how long have you lived in your truck? Off and on for about five years. Five years in the truck. What do you do for work? I work at Trader Joe's. You work at Trader Joe's and you live in your truck. This is so fucking interesting to me. Why your truck?

What kind of truck are we talking about? 2013 Toyota Tacoma. Your license plate number? You know, I don't know it off the top of my head. No, I'm just kidding. So why your truck? Why not? Rent's expensive in this town.

Really? Yeah. My goodness. It's cool. I go backpacking and camping a lot. You enjoy your truck? It's okay. It's kind of lonely sometimes.

Lonely? You go on any dates ever? You ever bring a girl back to your truck? It's okay. It's kind of lonely sometimes. Lonely? You go on any dates ever? You ever bring a girl back to the truck? Show her your fucking stick shift? I've been on a couple dates. Is that how you cat call? Yeah. Toyota Tacoma, huh?

Well, at least it's built locally. TRD. My goodness. It's so interesting. Five years in a Toyota Tacoma. When you say you get lonely, again, I'm just having trouble understanding what exactly you do. What's an average day in a truck look like for you if you're not working?

If I'm not working, I try to go hiking, backpacking, I ski, do jujitsu, blue belt in jujitsu as well. Oh, blue belt in jujitsu. Yes, I'm going to check in with Phillip. Have you ever had a dame in your car before? Yes.

I guess it's a pickup truck. Okay. So like the girl that you've had in the truck, where'd you find her at? She was a girlfriend. A girlfriend? Yeah. Heck yeah. Did she have her own place?

Yeah. How long were you guys together? That one was a couple months. Yeah. Did you ever sleep over her place? Oh, quite a bit. What was her car? Toyota Corolla, I believe.

Toyota Corolla. We did not have sex in that car. Wow. All right. Boy, wait. Why'd you guys break up? Did you just get car sick of her? Hey, Red Van.

Look at you. Look at you. Did you? Did you get car sick of her? No. So what else? Red van. Matt, you ever think about getting a second job in an apartment?

Yeah, I did that. I was living in Utah for a bit, and I had two jobs there, and it kind of was a bummer. Two jobs? How many wives? Utah. Zero. What part of Utah? Utah. Zero. What part of Utah? Salt Lake City.

And then what made you move up here? I lived here before, and I moved out there for a job. What job was that? I worked for an outdoor company. Yeah? Cabela's? No. It was a climbing company. A climbing company.

Things went a little rocky after a while. Yeah. There's a carabiner right behind you, behind the drums. I really hope you keep trucking, man. It's the first time doing stand-up. What made you sign up tonight?

I love the show. It's great. I just wanted to give it a shot, see what happened. It all makes sense. And you do have a Planet Fitness membership, as many people do. Malcolm Hatchett lives in his car still. He has a 24-hour or whatever it is, Planet, whatever, one of those things, membership. 24-hour fitness.

Same thing. Yeah, 24-hour fitness. And, you know, I mean, the fucking guy really loves it. Do you think this is something you're going to do again? Yeah, I might try it again. I think I got a couple. Let me tell you this, buddy. A couple bits.

You got nothing to lose. And you have a natural sense of humor. You have a good look. This should be something that you attack full force. You'll be able to relate to comedians a lot. A lot of them sleep in their cars. I appreciate it. You'll at least be able to hang out.

It's a real honor to be up here. Well, I hope so. It's an honor to have you close the show tonight. There he goes, Matt B., everybody. Seattle, we did it. I'm so excited. This is the end of leg one of our Pacific Northwest tour. We did it with you guys.

We love you. Thank you so much. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Jeremiah Wonders is his podcast. Follow him on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. The new album comes out June 7th, Reagan and Watkins, self-titled debut album. It's available for pre-sale now at ReaganandWatkins.com. Follow him on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up.

Anything else? We've got some band posters that we'll sign at the back of the room. And thank you guys so much. It's been a great first leg of the tour. We love you. How about one more? How about one last good all-together chant for the one and only Joelberg Joel Jimenez? Joelberg's on social media and mostly sorry.

He's unbelievable. This was your first night ever in Seattle. What did you think, Joel? I loved it. We love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. So much fun.

We're going to sell posters and Tony Hinchcliffe pins and sign them and take pictures in the back of the room. How about one more time for the man with the plan, the great Brian Redban, everybody. Thank you, guys. Thanks. Seattle, we love you. Thank you so much. Good night. Good night.お疲れ様でした Thank you. I'll see you next time.