KILL TONY - KILL TONY #356

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

Steve Simeone, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/27/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly hey this is red band and you're listening to kill tony go to our website death squad dot tv there you have every past episode including video portions to the show if you click on tour dates you can come see us live we're at the comedy store every monday in the main room at the World Famous Comedy Store. And we're on the road. We're about to finish our summer tour. We have a bunch of dates still left.

And we're going to be starting on June 7th in Lawrence, Kansas. Then we're in Omaha, Des Moines, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York and we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. If you want tickets go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates Also, Ryan J. Ebelt the house artist, he has a website, he draws

all the posters, go to RyanJEbelt.com Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com there you can follow everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have a couple of the Kill Tony t-shirts left, a bunch of Death Squad hats

and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road. Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe. There's a real audience here. You guys excited?

You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Come on, guys. You have to make more noise than that. We're in the main room. Brian Redband's here. Hey, guys. Eddie Firth from the hit show Historical Roast streaming live on Netflix over there. We got Ryan J.E. Belt right here. House artist drawing tonight's episode. He draws all the posters that go around on the tour with us.

All the anniversary posters are all available at ryanjebelt.com. He draws every episode. How exciting. We're back home after a week-long break. We're refreshed. Oh, did you hear that? That's the one and only Aphrodite over there, everybody. Oh, shit.

Look at that. She's got the hair down tonight. Either that or she got hit by one of those tornadoes or something. We don't know what's going on. But we're back on the road. The end of next week, we go to Lawrence, Kansas, Omaha, Nebraska, Des Moines, Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and two shows in New York, New York City. Remember when that list used to be long when I would say it? Now it's short again.

Look at that. Anyway, you know what keeps us energized is delicious caveman coffee. Go to cavemancoffeecompany.com. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15%. Isn't that fun? You know what else is important on the road, Brian, that we've learned and we talk about a lot? Oh, yeah.

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Can we take this from the top? Let's restart. Who wants to restart tonight's episode? I'm just kidding. We're already in it, guys. We're in it to win it. I'm excited about tonight's show. Every single week we have one of the funniest comedians in the world on This Week's No Different. His new album album Jabba

right now is out he's one of the our favorite comedians on the planet a real fucking comedy store guy a monster perhaps one of the nicest friendliest human beings in comedy store history and also one of the funniest make some noise for my great friend the great

Steve Simone everybody uh oh that's funny funniest. Make some noise for my great friend, the great Steve Simone, everybody. Uh-oh. That's funny. Hey, guys. Hell yes. Steve Simone. The new album, Jabba, is out. Yeah, it just came out. I'm excited. Can I tell them what I told you

earlier, my little guarantee? Yes, please. I said that tonight, by doing this show, his album's at number three right now, I said that we are gonna push it to number one tonight. On iTunes. The Kill Tony Bump. You guys wanna be part of a great episode or what?

Let's fucking do it. I'm excited. Give me one of your bumps. I like it. The Kill Tony Bump. So for those of you listening to the live stream, go buy Jabba right now and thank us later.

It's unbelievable. Is there a reason for the name without spoiling anything? It was just what my fat older brother called my fatter dad. And he had no idea what it meant. Ah, that's great. That's interesting. Jabba the Hutt. Yep.

Also a little fun fact, our friend Gino at Speedweed, some of you may have filled out on your way in on a little iPad. He's giving away $500 worth of weed tonight. That's fucking great. How exciting is that? Only in California, right? Oh, you guys don't like weed.

All right, cool. Fuck you. Take those people's names off the iPad, Gino. Let's give it to Aphrodite. Look at her bright spirit over there. Hell yeah. Alright, yeah. Next week, Reagan Watkins is on panel and then Jeff Ross the week after that

and then Brian Holtzman the week after that. The schedule's filled. It's very exciting. Hey, look. It's David Deary, everybody. Look at that guy. Getting shit done. Alright, so let's just jump right into it, right? Steve, you know there's a band on this show?

Do you guys know there's a fucking band? The best damn band in the land. Every single episode they commit to being characters. Sometimes it's the return of one of their famous characters that we've seen before. Sometimes it's the debut of a brand new character. We never know what they're going to be. They always stay in character the whole time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the best damn band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris. Uh-oh. Here we go. Whoa! Look how legit this is. These are real postmen. For the first time ever. Right?

These are brand new characters. This is really exciting. Oh, they got their names written down. I like this. Wow. Wow. You guys are postmen. This is so exciting. You're a

really old postman, huh? Very elderly postman who's dressed for both the cold and the warm at the same time. It's like if it's hot, he's got it. If it's cold, he's got a little something for that too. Right on the top. It says here your name

is Walter. Is that correct? Yes. Walter Fig. Walter Fig. I've been a postman for 1900 years. You have. Sounds like an Indian. Why do you sound like you're Native American?

A Native American postman? I am not a Native American postman? I am not a Native American. Tony, I am 100% Caucasian. Why would an Indian man lie about being a Caucasian? I just got my 23andMe test results back. I am 100% European, Tony. Wow.

This is very exciting, Walter. Well, I'm glad you're going to be with us. Clearly next to you, you have Sully Sullenberger from The Miracle on the Hudson. And it says here your name is Merv? Merv the Perf, the Mailman. Merv the Mailman, Tony. Merv the Perf? Mailman, Tony.

Merv the Mailman. All right. Merv the Mailman? He is not a perv and I am not a Native American. Somehow you are becoming more Native American as the show goes on. No, the sun starts to set and so does my... That's exactly what a Native American would say right there. I don't know what you're talking about.

And then it says here, back here, that your name is Carl Malone. Is this correct? That's right, Tony. And this is a mailman. You got it. So you're like, so I get it. So you saw that. So when you knew that you were going to be a mailman,

you're like, oh, okay, I'm just going to surfer it up with a wig and mailman it up. That's what I think a mailman is. I'm going to give my Mexican body blonde, Ric Flair-like hair, put a fisherman's hat over it, and then I'm ready to be a mailman. I thought the mixture of the two would just breed comedy. to be a mailman. I thought the mixture of the two would just breed comedy.

Breed comedy? What? I'm dying. Okay, so you guys see, this isn't even the show. This is just the beginning. This is the very beginning of the show. We have mailmen,

which, by the way, Walter over there. Many moons ago when I started my mail career, I realized this was a career for me. Happy Memorial Day, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, happy Memorial Day indeed. Nobody better to wish us a happy Memorial Day than a Native American mailman. Who, by the way, I believe he is a

big fan, which reminds me, you can order right now by your local postal delivery the new Reagan and Watkins album. You can pre-order it. It's on sale now! It comes out June 7th with the pre-party here on June the 6th, the night before.

Right here in the main room, Jeremiah and Pat Reagan, the two founding members of the band, here on Kill Tony have an amazing album coming out. We're super excited. And again, they're on panel next week, so we'll see what happens. But tonight it's Mailman, Steve Simone, Red Band, and a bucket of destiny is here. It's Mailman, Steve Simone, Red Band, and a bucket of destiny is here. Filled with, due to this massive sellout turnout, we limited the bucket to 30 people tonight. And they all know who they are in some way or another.

And their names are in the bucket. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time. You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That's adorable. Wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Heck yeah. There you go. That's what that sounds like. Okay, you guys ready to start

the show? Here we go. Very good. And then after the 60 seconds, we find out more about their life, about what makes them a real human being, what makes us all different. You guys excited? Put your hands together for your first comedian.

He goes by the name of Brendan Crick. Here he is, Brendan Crick. Hey. Hey. Thank you. I just discovered this new genre of porn. It's my favorite, but I'm going to warn everybody in advance. It has a wildly aggressive name.

It's called Black Ambush Pornography. Stings in the ears, I agree, but I'll explain and everyone will be back on board. Black Ambush Pornography, what it is, is they get a white porn actress and they sit her down and they interview her about what the scene's going to be like. And then the whole time they have a white porn actor chilling in the corner with his shirt off and it's implied that's going to be the dude in the scene. And then they finish the interview and they're like, alright, let's bring in the guy. And the girl panics and she's like, wait, isn't that the guy?

And they go, oh no. And then they bring in a black guy and then they zoom the camera in super tight on her face to see if she's like, wait, isn't that the guy? And they go, oh no. And then they bring in a black guy and then they zoom the camera in super tight on her face to see if she's racist or not. At least I assume it's porn. I'm not sure because I always just cum then. Fuck yeah. Brendan Crick.

Hell yeah, Brendan. That was very fun. Look at you. You're an adorable little thing, aren't you? I'm a very small man, Tony. Look at you. You're such a cutie pie. It's true.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Let me check in with Walter over here real quick. Could I tell you my favorite category of porn? Yes, please. Male on male. Look at that. He doesn't even crack a smile after that.

So goddamn... That's the most goddamn Native American thing I've ever seen in my entire life. He doesn't even crack a smile after that. It's the most goddamn Native American thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Him not smiling at all. What confident eye contact? Like you would know about confident eye contact. The fuck are we talking about, Brendan? Look at you, you little fucking George Costanza, Danny DeVito fucking little burrito of just white guy, huh? Look at you.

Wow. You some type of like little mad scientist or something? No, I'm very dumb. Really? Very unintelligent man. That's surprising. I am small and fat, though. Yeah, so wait, Walter, go ahead. Yeah, he is so tiny it would only take one stamp to mail him.

Is that a real category of porn, like what you talked about? Yeah, he is so tiny it would only take one stamp to mail him. Is that a real category of porn, like what you talked about? Yeah, it is. Wow. And is it most people racist? It's more sage than I make it sound in the bit. What do you type in to find that type of porn? I just found it randomly one day. Typing in black porn, right?

No, I know that's how I find all my porn. Randomly one day. Yeah. Typing in black porn, right? No, I know that's how I find all my porn. It's just I go to randomporn.com and just fucking. Yeah, I think it was a Pornhub recommendation. I think the algorithm decided I would like it. So they sent that to me. All right. Well, Brendan, this is your first time on the show?

Second time. It was like a year ago. Oh, that's fun. Hell yeah. Well, how's fun. Hell yeah. Well, how's life been for you since then? It's been much better. The whole interview last time was about how my dick wasn't working, and now it works. Oh, wow.

What happened? Thank you. Did we find out why your dick wasn't working? I don't know. I went on Zoloft, which somehow is making it harder it harder which is the opposite my doctor told me that's weird it's making it harder in a good way or a bad way you lost me before I was going soft all the time

this would seem less weird if anyone but me remembered it kind of seems like huh he came here with an agenda no it's fine we want to hear about this so now it's too hard? It's not too hard. It's just... Is it hard right now?

Not right now, no. It's been getting like a baseline level of hard, which for me is big news. Baseline level of hard? Yeah, where it's like always a little ready to go. Is that what you're talking about? No, it's just like when it's normal for it to be hard, it does, which is out of the ordinary for me.

So the fact that it's good is bad. It's not bad. It's just it makes me feel uneasy. Weirdest place you've gotten a boner that you can remember recently? This was when I was a child, but it was the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. Wow. Damn. Was it the Anne Frank

section of the... Come on. No, what it was is, um, no, this was like eighth grade. Has anyone been there? There's this pit with TVs at the bottom, and there was this girl I had a crush on who was looking down into it, and I came up next to her, and I was looking down her shirt

because I was in eighth grade. And I just got rock hard, and then she turned and bumped into because I was in eighth grade. And I just got rock hard and then she turned and bumped into it. Oh my god. And that's when I realized that it was like Dr. Mangala footage and shit. Oh my god. Yes, Walter. I don't believe this story because I don't think he was ever

tall enough to look down a girl's head. My goodness. I'm a very small man. Yes, you are. And it is incredible that you have decided to dress like a Chucky doll tonight. I mean, for a small man, you would think you'd wear bigger clothes. That is just so adorable what you are squozing into.

Is that off of a teddy bear or something like that? Has anyone ever told you that before? That you dress like a fucking teddy bear? It's Build-A-Bear. No, this is from Peter Manning for the man 5'8 and under. If they're listening, please sponsor me. It's a small men's clothing website. Sponsor you for what? Me too, me too, me too. I'll take it. He shops the big

and tall section of Baby Gap. Good one, Walter. I love it. Is this how you dress? You dress like this a lot? Yeah, is this bad? I thought this was good. Some intense...

How long have you been doing comedy? Like seven years. Seven years. All here in Los Angeles? In what village? I moved from Philly last year. Oh, Philly. Very good. What was that postal code?

Fuck. What the fuck? Do you remember Walter? Walter's counting on his hand. This isn't a good sign. Anyway. So what do you do for work? I work at a credit union out here. Credit union. Oh, fun.

That's fun. Steve, you're from Philadelphia. Yeah, I was going to ask you, where'd you grow up? Oh, I grew up in Lancaster, PA, and then I moved to Philly to do stand-up like two years before I moved here. There you go. Do you keep anything in that little pocket on your shirt? What do you keep in there, a better shirt? No, just a nipple. that little pocket on your shirt? What do you keep in there? A better shirt?

No. Just a nipple. That is a hard nipple. Does the Zoloft made your nipples harder? Maybe it does. All right. Very good. Brendan, what's your love life like?

My wife is dead, okay? Oh my goodness. Walter. Walter, was she your love life like? My wife is dead, okay? Oh, my goodness. Walter. Walter, was she Native American too? Is that for me or him? She was Italian. Oh, okay. So, Brendan, last date you went on, what was that like?

It was like a month and a half ago. we got dinner and went back to my house. Wow, you got dinner and then went back to your house. Where did you have dinner at? In a town. It was actually a place Red Band had recommended to me. Wow, look at that. Red Band. The Olive Garden, huh?

No. The Monte Carlo Deli. Was it Pinocchio's? No, it was Santoni. Oh, yeah, that place in Burbank. Yeah, it's fucking great. Wow. Did you get the lasagna?

Yeah, I did get the lasagna. Good for you. That was really good. Wow, look at this. Conversation has five layers. So then dinner goes good. Were you guys drinking at the Italian restaurant? I think she may have had like a beer or something.

I don't drink. Uh-huh. And then, so then you're like, hey, you want to come back to my place? And what was like your pitch? I said, like, do you want to walk around Burbank? And she said, no. Do you want to go back to your house or something?

I was like, okay. She suggested your place. Yeah. Wow, look at you, you fucking little fucking Ewok pimp. I fuck like once a year, but when it happens, it's not really my doing. Cover in hair and just rape the first person you find. I only fuck once a year, Tony, but when I do, hello.

Don't get near me. Wow. So you took her back to your place, and then what? You guys play Twister or something like that? You fucking, oh, red foot, yellow, or something? No, I was like, do you want to watch TV or something? And she was again like, no. Wow, that's such a crazy line.

Do you want to watch TV or something? I don't remember. You actually asked her? Were you just sitting there on the couch? Do you want to watch TV or something? Yeah, yeah, I guess. And then she said no. She said no to that.

And then what? Just wow, chicka, wow, wow. She's like, I see you're already hard. Yeah, she observed my nipple through my shirt, so then it was on. Man, so then what? You just fucking go unprotected right in. No condom on you. No

way, no how. I don't know how to riff this. No, don't riff it. Just tell the truth. Condom or no condom? Yeah, I used a condom. Of course you did. See, it was that easy. You just gotta keep going. So, condom, how long did you last? Well, I lasted...

I didn't cum, so I lasted forever. What? I don't really cum. You don't really cum? Yeah, I wanna beg the differ. Who thinks we can make this guy cum tonight, huh? You see these people? They all believe in you. Tony, challenge accepted. Carl Malone has, for some reason, without even being asked, has accepted the challenge.

Walter, let's check in with Walter. Yeah. He might be able to do some type of old spell on him to make him come. I think I can make this kid come. Expected delivery two to three days. I think I can make this kid come. Expected delivery two to three days. So like when you masturbate, there's sometimes you don't come when you masturbate and you just sit there.

Well, I come when I masturbate, but like universally when I fuck, I don't come. Do you ever do the old porn star trick where you're like, oh, I'm going to come and then you just start jerking off for like five minutes over? Yeah, or I'll like be, oh, yes, I came, and then hide the condom.

God, I wish I had this problem so bad, man. One time I snorted a line of Lipitor. I was hard for a week. Nice. So when you do cum, does it come out curdled or like yogurt? Okay, Red Band, okay, okay. It is not fresh. It's not, right?

Wait, what do you mean it's not fresh? It's a little yellow. Yeah, it's a little yellow. Oh, you guys are fucking disgusting. What the fuck? You guys are gross. It's like, ooh, this was last week's cum. Oh, my God.

You guys need to go for jogs and jerk off more often. Your cum doesn't look like hearing aid earwax? No. All right, Walter. This is getting out of control. Brendan, we had fun with you. Good luck. Thank you very much.

Good job, buddy. Keep coming back. Brendan Crick. Hey, yeah, Brendan, you like ice cream? Yeah, there's some ice cream in there for you. Grab some ice cream out of a cooler. One of the fun things, Steve Simone brought a cooler full of ice cream treats for the people. Oh, it looks like he went with a little ice cream cone.

Brendan Crick looks like he normally has ice cream. Look how erect that ice cream cone is. There he goes. What? Correct. Oh, Jesus. Dave Deary, look at that, leaving briefcases out there. Oh, my goodness. Wow,, look at that. Leaving briefcases out there. Oh, my goodness.

Great job. Wow. All right. You guys having fun out there? You get it? That was Brendan Crick. Back to the bucket we go. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Casey Hensel.

Casey Hensel. Here we go. Casey Hensel. Here we go. Here he comes. Here comes Casey, everyone. Casey Hensel. Doing every day in every possible way. One more time for Casey Hensel, everyone.

How's everybody doing tonight? I'm excited to be here with Tony Redband and Steve Simone. Been a big fan since the beginning. This guy created Joe Rogan's podcast. Now he's sitting here about to make fun of me. I've been coming down, checking out. I'm a stay-at-home dad. And this guy's beautiful right here.

How are you doing? But I sit here and, you know, would sit in the background watching you guys, and I'd be criticizing, watching, laughing at you guys, you know, saying, like, that's easy. So I thought I'd just come up here and see how not easy it is and awkward it is to be able to make my selfie awkward. I was back there going... So I thought I'd just give it a shot and come up and say hello. It was the most awkward part was when the lady said, Are you one of the comics? And I said, You could call it that tonight.

I don't know if the cat's meowing or if I really went short of a minute. You're still short of a minute. Jesus. Do a joke. The fuck are you doing? What? Every joke? Who does that?

Whatever you do, don't do that. Well, I have a lot of material. I figured I'd give it a shot, so here I am giving it a shot. My time should be up here any second. Always wanted to know what it would be like to do comedy, and I guess I'm doing it. Well, I have to get... That's my time.

Thank you. I just wanted to get over the nerves. I have to get... That's my time. Thank you. I just wanted to get over the nerves. I couldn't really tell. You have zero jokes. You don't have any joke that... Yeah, every joke that I know is like women love to go to church because they heard Jesus talk like this. I mean, not stolen jokes.

Hold on. Let's just slow it down a bit. Let's check in with Walter over here. Gee, this is my problem with the white man. Wait a second. I thought you were Caucasian. As they feel entitled to things that they do not deserve. Wow, the truth comes out. That's a Native American mailman over there.

I'm 100% European, damn it. Wow. Casey, let's talk about it. Don't be so comfortable. Get back up to the front. I was just trying

to stand out of the way. So you come to the show a lot. Is that what you said? You've been to the show? Yeah, usually on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We don't even do it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You're not making any sense.

You're really breaking under questioning here. For a guy that looks like Steven Avery, I'm surprised you would do that. Of course you don't know who it is, Casey. You're a guy that just signed up for a show and then did nothing once given the opportunity. Did less than nothing.

No, I don't think it is nothing, because for me it's just getting over the nerves. I have a lot of material. I think I know what I'm doing. What nerves? The fuck are you talking about? Casey, how long have you sang for a Smash Mouth cover band? Hey, now.

Casey, don't you ever, have you ever not spoken in front of an audience before? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, I've never. I used to play in a band, but I never. What did you do in the band? Played the guitar. You played the guitar and sang. Can you give us an example of some of your singing?

Can you just sing us a line? Give me a tempo. What do you mean? Red band. Hey, now, I got no jokes. I'm going to go up. I got no jokes. I'm going to go up. I got no jokes. Yeah, is that how you sing?

Just like, I thought I would just fight my fears today. Did not you really write a song for this? Are the emo kids here? I would bring plenty of material for you guys. Wait, what? I got Vengeance T-Rex arms. You guys got all that. No, you don't. Your arms are fine. Come on, your arms are fine. No, what? I got midget T-Rex arms you guys got. No, you don't.

Your arms are fine. Come on. Your arms are fine. No, it's the rest of your body that's weird. That's not what we would make fun of about you. We would make fun of your face. Your actual head. Walter.

Can I just say someone who walks for a living, his calves are very impressive. You do have impressive calves. What do you do for work, Casey? I'm a real estate agent. You're a real estate agent. I could tell because it literally says on your polo, I sell real estate, which I think all the biggest real estate agents, I'm pretty sure that's what they rock, right?

Do you sell big houses or just little small houses like bedrock or whatever? Angler Beach. I work for Angler and Volker. It's one of the biggest luxury brands in the world. Say it again. I work for Engel and Volker. It's one of the biggest luxury brands in the world. Say it again. I work for Engel and Volker. It's one of the biggest luxury brands in the world. We sell yachts, luxury real estate.

Wow. Can you try to sell me something right now? I've got to pre-qualify it for you first. I'm not sure that... Oh, you already got me. I'm already pre-qualified. I like it. I don't waste my time with anything under...

Wow. Yeah, you clearly wasted our pre-qualified. I like it. I don't waste my time with anything. Wow. Yeah. You clearly wasted our time here tonight. I love that you save your time, though. I don't waste time. Not my own, at least. Well, Casey, can you tell us any fun facts about you? Anything that we might be interested to know?

Let us try to fucking write a joke for your lazy ass. I was a stay-at-home dad for two years. Stay-at-home dad for two years. What happened? The babies died. It was the hardest thing ever. You lost your home. He said he was a stay-at-home dad for two years. What'd they do? Run away? No, because my wife had good insurance

and a good job, so it was easier for me to stay home and be self-employed. The mom's got a good job. Yeah. And you just sell real estate. Yeah. What do you do? I mean, what does she do?

She does inside sales. They do layoffs for big companies. Wow. They're firing and hiring people. Wow. Is your shirt size Winnie the Pooh? Man, I really like the other guy that was back there better. This guy will fuck the shit out of you.

Be careful, Casey. Man, so you're a stay-at-home dad, and when you say for two years, I'm still confused. Why were you just for two years? Or it's been two years? Because they started doing preschool, and you started being able to get back to work.

What do you do when the kids go to preschool? I volunteer at the food pantry, and then I go to my office. You volunteer at the food pantry? Is that what you call eating at the food pantry? No, I do deliveries, and I drive. You do deliveries, and you drive. Yeah, I was an idiot in the beginning of my life. Like what?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I went to prison for three years. Yeah, here we go. Now we're fucking cooking. Tell us about your prison. What was that? I was just a drug addict in Arizona.

They don't fuck around. What were you addicted to? Everything. Wow. I thought I was a rock star, and I just became a drug addict. Hell yeah, buddy. All right, Casey. Well, you know,

I'm glad we were hopefully able to help you face your fears, but I don't think you really got to experience. You know, you just came up here and just really talked about being up here. I almost ran and hid, so I don't give a fuck. For me, I feel better about getting out. A lot of people have taken that route.

Last week, someone ran and hid, and he called his name, and I almost came up. I was like, I'll pretend I'm Tom. Don't do that. Yeah, so you're – I thought you were nice. We'll throw you right out of here. You naturally still think like a piece of shit, Casey, even though – Thank you.

Steve's a good guy. Steve's the good cop to my bad cop. You must be able to find some type of – Are you going to do this again? You faced your fears. Maybe not at Kill Tony, but are you going to find an open mic and do something like this? Let's ask the audience. Do you think he should do it again? I think he should.

If you want to do it, do it. I already got a job in my career. I just want to do it because I love it. I love comedy. I don't know if I'll ever be doing it on stage, but I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. I love it. Fuck yeah. There you go. Sure. Casey Hensel, everybody.

Grab only one of the ice creams. Yeah, grab an ice cream, Casey. Grab an ice cream. I don't care if you're on a fucking diet. It's a Monday. Who has more fun than us on a Monday? How many of you think he should break his diet tonight? There you go.

It's a no-brainer. Guy lies to the very end. Oh, I'm on a diet. Yeah, sure. Yeah, all my fat friends are on diets. Never ends. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Brandon J. Bryan, everyone.

Brandon J. from the farthest possible spot. Hey! For the night. Bow, bow, bow, bow. One more time for Brandon J. Bryan. One more time for Brandon J. Bryan. I'm in college.

I'm a college student, and I'm about to graduate. And I'm surprised that I made it this far because I grew up in Arkansas, and that's where I first went to school where I first learned how to read and write. And it was hard because as I was learning how to read and write, so was the teacher, you know? Yeah. I don't know. A part of college that I'm not about is I'm not a frat guy. There's a lot of differences between me and a frat guy, right?

Like, I really like rap. And frat guys like rape. Yeah. It's a one-letter difference. It's a one-letter difference. It's a hell of a difference. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I'm not in a frat. I've actually, I had sex for the first time this year.

Yeah, four months ago. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And as I was doing comedy as a virgin, all my jokes were about me being a virgin, right? And then when I had sex, boom, put that thing in, jokes gone. I was like, oh, fuck. I got to start writing.

And after I had sex, yeah. oh, fuck. I gotta start writing. And after I had sex, yeah. Oh, fuck. There you go. Brandon J. Bryant. Hello. You've been on this show before, right? I have, yeah. I remember you. What did we talk about last time you were on?

What was the big thing with you? Well, last time I didn't have sex, so. Oh. You were a virgin. Yeah. And now you're not a virgin. Look at that. By the way, can we just take a moment to acknowledge Kill Tony changes people's lives? Last time I was on Tony, I had never had sex before. Now I'm a fucking, I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, how'd it happen? Walk us through it. Oh, how'd it happen? Real quick through it. Oh, how'd it happen? Real quick, let's check in with Walter, who has something he wants to say. I just feel like this guy looks like he teaches surf lessons to Hitler youth. You do?

No, no. So how'd you lose your virginity? Let's talk about it. You ate another woman out. I liked it. I liked it. I liked You ate another woman out. I liked it. I liked it. I got it. I got it.

No. You scissored. No. I was in Big Bear with a bunch of friends. Yeah, Big Bear, I bet. Big Bear is how the story starts and ends, by the way One time I was attacked by a big bear in the woods Stole my entire mailbag

Go ahead, Brandon Yeah, it was just a bunch of friends and coworkers And then it kind of just happened, yeah. Yeah, tell us more about it. Go ahead. Don't be afraid. What do you want to know? Who was it?

It was a coworker? Yeah, it was one of my coworkers. Yeah? What do you do for work again? I work at a restaurant. Yeah. Actually, it was, like, my friend's, like, ex, so, like, now we're, like, Eskimo brothers now.

Oh, damn. Jesus. Speaking of Eskimo brothers, Walter has something he wants to say. After you had sex with this girl, did she say the only condition for my reason to have sex with you is you wear my pants for the

rest of your life? Oh, God. I didn't even see that. Look at those. You have women's pants and a true men's shirt on what appears to be some type of... I've never seen a young man more built like Homer Simpson in my entire life. You seem like you have a healthy face and then it just drips off right from there. Right from the chin down.

It just gets a little wackadoodle. So it happened at a big house and you had a room and you just took her in there. And then what happened? Well, I didn't get to it, but afterwards, I swear to God, she looks at me and she goes,

huh, never did all the work before. That's what she told me. Say that again? She said, I never did all the work before. I've never done all the work before. I never did all the work before. That's what she told me. Say that again. She said, I never did all the work before. I've never done all the work before. I never did all the work before. That's what she said? That's what she said.

What did you just do? Like lay there and go, ah, the whole time? Wait, so what happened? You laid on your back? Did she know you were a virgin? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Did she find out that night?

No, we were like friends, I guess, before. You were friends before that so then you lay there she lays you on a bed right and you you have all your clothes off at this point yeah so you're laying there naked she's naked yeah right and what's going on let's take us really walk us through this nice and slow so i want to figure this out i didn't have this many questions until you said she said she did all the work I mean hey Now I want to know how much work she really did

And if she deserves an equal pay rate Go ahead You're laying there You're naked she's naked you're a virgin So you're already basically about to cum at this point Nothing's even happened you're just like oh my god she's naked I'm naked Go ahead.

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't that long. Your dick? Sex. Did you let her put anything in your mail slot? How long did you last? Like four or five minutes. Condom? No condom?

Yeah, condom. So she put the condom on or you? I did, yeah. You did. While you were laying there or before you laid down? Before that. He wore it to the date. You're standing there, you're putting a condom on and then you just fucking

lay down like that. Like a gentleman. And then you literally putting a condom on, and then you just fucking, you just lay down like that. Like a gentleman. And then you literally, she crawls on top of you, rides it for a few minutes, and then can you describe to this audience how you announced that you were coming? Do a little act out of your, it's been a long time since a lot of us lost our virginity.

It's been recent for you. You have the freshest memory. I was just like, ah. That's it? Yeah. What you just did with it, ah. You didn't even say sorry. Ah.

Ah. And then what did she say? She literally goes, wow, I've never had to do all the work before. That's what she said, yeah. And I was like, I didn't know what to say to that. So I was like, oh, okay. It's like five minutes of work, lady. Get it together.

Jesus. I've never had to do everything. How big was this woman? Like, the joke that I have is like. I had to do everything. That's the joke is like, I'm like a feminist because I made her do all the work. You'm like a feminist because I made her do all the work. You're a feminist? Because I made her do all the work.

Did you find your dick cherry? Did you look for it after? Oh, come on, Brian. Why do you have to do that? A dick cherry. Come on. There's innocent people here in this audience. Nice innocent people.

How big was this woman? Walter's wife is sitting in the front row right now. No, every time. Marguerite, I haven't seen you in 30 years. Stand up. Take a bow for this audience behind you. Walter's wife here. Yeah, you.

There she is, everybody. Look at that. Clearly a full-blown Native American couple. Whoa, did she just flash her tits? Yeah, I like your style, lady. Heck yeah. This party's getting started. Woo-wee.

Marguerite told me she was dead in a letter 30 years ago. I haven't seen her since That's right I forgot your wife was dead I forgot all about that Alright Wow so you lost your virginity Anything else crazy that we need to know about

Before this whole thing comes to I know you can't wait to get to that fucking ice cream He keeps looking at me. He's looking at the ice cream. Is it worth bringing up the show at the comedy theater with William? Sure. Oh, I forgot who you were

until you said that, actually. Thanks for reminding me. Yeah, yeah. I hosted a show at this place in Huntington and then William was on the show. William Montgomery. Yeah, and he brought in some beer, and the guy told him to – Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, hey, get that out of here, and then he snuck it in, and the guy freaked out and kicked him off. The guy told William not to bring beer in. William's like, all right, and then William went and snuck beer in. So he put it under – he had like a big overcoat. Of course he did. And he put it under the, and I'm like.

Yes, so then what happened? So I'm like, ah, William Montgomery, blah, blah, blah. And then like the owner of the venue was like, what the fuck is that beer? And I was like, how did he even get that in here? And then he like freaked out on him and kicked him off the property. Wow.

Yelled at me. That's a really bad story, by the way. That's why I said, is it worth it? Yeah, no, it wasn't worth it. You'll know when it's worth it. You told us a story that did not happen to you. Yeah. I was...

You told us a William... One more interesting thing about me. I was at a place one night with William Montgomery, and here's what he did. You guys ever heard of Jim Morrison? That's how interesting William is. People are now reverting to William's

stories. The guy was pissed because it was me and my friend's show. I can't wait to talk about it. You have set a new excitement in the air because I can't wait to ask William about this later on when he's on. It was, it was a fun show. It was a good time.

There you go, Brandon. Look at you. You're part of the family up here. You're not a virgin anymore. Stand-up's going good, right? Yeah. How long have you been doing it now? About a year in June. A year in June. Congratulations. There you go. First year done. Brandon J. Bryan, everybody.

Grab some ice cream, congratulations. There you go. First year done. Brandon J. Bryan, everybody. Grab some ice cream, Brandon. Brandon, get ice cream. Get ice cream. Son of a bitch. Everybody tries to pretend like they don't want ice cream. I know. Everybody's eating ice cream tonight. I don't care if you're diabetic.

I prefer it if you are. Yeah. Just what I'm into. How many of you in this audience, some of you I'm sure know about this show, how many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on the show? Wow.

Wow. See that? You thought you were surrounded by nice people, but you're not. That's crazy. It's a bunch of pure evil in this room right now. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Cameron Torrey, everyone. Cameron Torrey.

Here we go. Here comes Cameron. everyone. Cameron Torrey. Here we go. Here comes Cameron. Let me know if you want my bottom name. Do you think I'm sexy? One more time.

Cameron Torrey. There we go. How many of you guys have Instagram? Everybody? Alright. So I was on Instagram earlier and I saw this meme. And I get a little too excited when I see shit that looks too good to be true. I saw this meme that said they're paying $380 an hour. An hour to help build the wall.

And I was just talking shit about how fucked up it was. But $380 an hour, that's 15 grand a week, 60 grand a month. That's a lot of goddamn money. And I was praying to God the other day, and I was like, I need a better situation. I saw this, and shit started getting real to me. I was like, oh fuck, 380 an hour? And I started planning it out,

and then I hit up my homie Jose. I was like, hey bro, so you know they're paying $3.80 an hour. He was like, well, fuck it, fool. I got a social, dog. We'll take my Silverado. We'll go down there. We'll make a day out of it, fool, you know? Shit, we'll get it cracking.

And then he calls me. He's outside. I was like, oh, Jose, it was a meme, you know? You want to finish? Go ahead, finish. You want to finish it? Yeah, finish. You want to finish it? Oh, that was it. Okay.

Yikes. All right. Okay. Hell yeah. Nice to meet you, Cameron. This is your first time on the show, right? On this show, yeah. Yep.

How long have you been on stand-up? A little over a year. A little over a year. Where are you from? I'm from L.A. Oh, cool. Yep. How long have you been on stand-up? A little over a year. A little over a year. Where are you from? I'm from L.A. Oh, cool. That's not what he means. What do I mean?

Sherman Oaks, to be exact. 9-1-4-2-3. Oh, okay. All right. Sherman Oaks. You're curious. You said Jose and the stories were wondering where you're from. Oh, where I'm from?

Like my gang? Okay, sure. I don't gang bang. I'm not that guy. I'm black. You also know Sherman Oaks is not LA, right? Technically it is. Fuck, man.

You're arguing with a bunch of guys that know the postal codes, Cameron. These are real mailmen up here. I have your area code. When I ship shit, or I order shit from anywhere else, it always says Los Angeles, California, and never says Sherman Oaks when I put in my zip code. Wow. I mean, Cameron, I think you're taking us all a little bit too seriously up here.

You got to relax a little bit. We're just having fun. Everything's okay. Yeah, I got a stabby vibe right away when I started talking to you. Everything's okay, Cameron. So what do you do for a living? Right now, I hustle. Yeah?

What are you doing to hustle? What's the hustle? I sell things. Wow. Jeez Louise. You are as shady as you seem. No. No.

I sell cars and then I wholesale certain things. So there's that. Yeah. You sell cars? What's the last car you sold? A Chevy Colorado A Chevy Colorado Yeah

I notice everything you sell starts with the letter C Cars, Chevy, Colorado Cocaine Is that where we're going? Oh, we got that face that cocaine dealers make Colorado. Cocaine. Is that where we're going? Oh, we got that face that cocaine dealers make. I don't know. It is what it is.

It's a famous thing. Only cocaine dealers know how to make that face you just made. What's the craziest thing you've ever sold or resold? Mmm. thing you've ever sold or resold come on there must be a good one a stolen macbook yeah that actually was my friends and i didn't know because i got it from another friend and then when i put it on craigslist and he saw the serial number, he was like, did you get this from Shane? Oh. And I was like, no, man, I bought it. And he was like, no, because Shane was at my house and I couldn't find my laptop.

And now you're selling it. Oh, my God. What an asshole. Did you still sell it or did he end up getting it? No, I gave it back. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. What a good guy.

Yeah. back. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. What a good guy. Did you guys go and did you guys get any retribution on Shane after that for stealing from a friend or did he find out? Did he ever kill Shane? No, actually what happened was they showed up to my job because he stole it from

the wrong people and I guess it was some white dude who had money. Of course, yes. That's who buys Apple computers. He hung out with some crips, and he had a nice Mercedes and bought them shit all the time. So he was cool to kick it with. So whenever he needed a favor, they showed up. So they literally, I kind of got kidnapped from my job at 19.

And they took me to Shane's house after I got the computer back because they wanted to know who stole it. And Shane wasn't there, but his 90-year-old grandma was there. And they called Shane, or they FaceTimed him, and they're like, we're sitting right here with grandma right now. Oh, shit. Listen, you fucking dummy. You're gonna come take your ass whooping,

or grandma's gonna get it. And then I was like, oh my God, dude. Fuck. Is this true? 100%. Wow. Walter, go ahead. I was in the corner jerking off the entire time. I was like, my wife's about to get a beating. This is hot. Oh, my goodness.

Walter, wow. You're a little horn dog over there, huh? You have no idea. How does this guy sound more Native American than Walter? Yes, I stole the laptop. Your white man took over. You ever done a line of cocaine off a life alert? It's wild.

Off a life alert? No. Wouldn't he get stuck in the button or whatever? Cameron, over here. Over here, Cameron. So they threatened the No. Wouldn't he get stuck in the button or whatever? Cameron, over here. Over here, Cameron. So they threatened the guy. So did he come? Did he get his beating?

Or did you have to do something to Grandma? What'd you do to Grandma? No, no. I didn't touch Grandma. I don't do those kind of things. But they ended up finding Shane. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know.

You fucked the 90-year-old Grandma. Come on. Tell the truth. It was a dry spell. So, you know. You fucked the 90-year-old grandma. Come on, tell the truth. It was a dry spell. Anyway, well, that's fun, Cameron. And you've been doing stand-up for over a year. Anything fun? What's your favorite gig that you've done so far?

The Savoy in Englewood, actually. Yeah, Englewood. What type of... Yeah, I don't deliver over there. Smart. Wait, what did you Yeah, I don't deliver over there. Smart. Wait, what did you say? I didn't hear you. I said I don't deliver over in Englewood. Why not?

The property value is going up. You should know that as a white dude. Whoa, Cameron. Over here. You're right. I am 100% European. I should know that as a white man. I will take that note back to my tribe. I said

tribe. Wait a second. Did you say tribe there at the end? No, I didn't. I said work. Oh, okay. Well, Cameron, any other fun facts about you that we might find interesting about your family, about you that we might find interesting? About your family? About you? Yeah, actually, my uncle

I don't like to brag, but fuck it, we're here. My uncle started Fat Tuesdays. Guy Torrey. Oh wow, that's your uncle? Holy shit. I know, Guy. And then my dad put my uncle on, Joe Torrey. He used to host Def Comedy Jam.

Wow. This is crazy. You're like royalty. Yeah. I actually have a picture. We did one of those before and afters, you know, when everybody was doing those with Eleanor. You know Eleanor.

Yeah. In the back of the, whatever the fuck it is, by the bar. But we recreated the picture. Yeah. And one, I was three, and then one, I was 24. Wow. And it was actually, you then one I was 24. Wow. It was actually, you know, it was pretty. That's really crazy.

So, yeah, I used to hang out. My mom used to be a regular. So I would hang out back here because the babysitter was boring. And I was like, let's just go to the fucking comedy store. And you're still close with your dad and your uncle, obviously? I mean, yeah, we're close. I mean. Yeah.

Not close enough. Why not close enough? I mean, because, I mean, my career would be a little bit more progressed. But they probably want you to get good, right? And you're doing it. You're starting at the ground level. You're in the grits. You're not taking anything for granted.

I think you're doing everything right so far. Just got to keep fucking writing and grinding and tightening up and fucking doing it. All right. There you it. All right. There you go. All right, Tony. Write more jokes. Stop selling cars. Cameron Torrey.

Come on, baby. Let me know. Of course, he went right towards the ice cream. Straight for the ice cream. Didn't even have to tell him. I'm guessing a popsicle. What would he do for a Klondike bar, huh? Yep.

Is it a Klondike? Yep. You won that round. I know who goes for the Klondikes. Wait, did he take two of them? Hey, give one of those back. I'm kidding, guys.

I'm just kidding. He's reselling Klondike bars right now for $5 a pop. If anybody wants to buy a Klondike, he's be selling things. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Chris Mandry. Here we go. Chris Mandry time live on a Monday night. Changes every day.

Yeah. How about another hand for the Kill Tony band huh? new music every week, it's unbelievable there he is, Chris Mangere has anyone ever had their salad tossed professionally? you have, you you know With the oils

And the paste Sometimes I got the spoon You know what I mean Nobody here has been to a fine dining restaurant before Had their salad tossed Table side You guys think I was talking about butt licking With oils and paste?

Ma'am, and a spoon? It's disgusting. I'm a professional salad tosser. Tossed everyone's salads. This one restaurant I worked at. It didn't matter who you were. Celebrities, locals. Anybody with the money and the desire to have their salad tossed,

I would gladly provide that service. Found out it's actually a skill you can bring home with you too, salad tossing. Made this girl a nice dinner, tossed her salad right at the kitchen table. She loved it. It was great for her. It was work for me.

Fuck yeah. Was there more? Do you want to finish it? No, that's good Chris Chris Chris Alright So let's talk about it Let's do it

Let's talk about this salad Wait so you weren't talking about butch? No I wasn't I think you were You talked about actual salads and then you did a one-liner about it and then you continued on after that. You just committed all the way even though nobody was with you.

I was going. If I just keep the course, they're going to break any second. If I just keep describing, tossing an actual salad and there's lettuce going one way and the other. I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I had a handful of shows over five years back home. Let's just say handful of shows from now on. Sure, handful of shows. The years thing doesn't help. Let's do it. How much time do you think you have altogether from everything that you have?

Like the salad thing is like just one bad minute, right? Right. That can't be your bread and butter, no pun intended. No, it's not. Right. No, so I would say probably since I got here in December, I took a stand-up class. Oh, no. And it's been, I know, I know.

Who taught it? The devil himself? All right, here's what you do. Just talk about tossing salads. And then make note that you're not actually eating butt, but tossing salads. And go on and on. What comedy club was this at? What's that?

Where was this at? Second City. Wow. Yeah. I know. There were a couple options and I chose that one. You should have went to the first city first. I know, right? Yeah. What else do you ever talk about? What else do you ever make jokes about?

I guess I've got this, like, Italian character. I do, like, a poem. Oh, please, for the love of God. Let's get it. Let's get it. Hey, who wants your fucking salad pasta? Give me the fucking pepper mill and a spoon. I don't even need a second spoon.

I fucking crunch the pepper and just scoop all at the same fucking time. Can we hear your... Yeah, let's get a little... I got a little bone. Let's get a little taste. Go ahead. Let's go ahead. This is Bad Sopranos.

Bad Sopranos audition tapes. And action. Gee, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pack the bowl of gabagol and stuff peppers down my soul. Stu Gatz forgot the goo Gatz, but he's got enough for got for a stuff long hot. Here's what we're gonna do. Wow. Roll a skidol and a hot

man a cop. Make a couple to tree if that's all we got. I can't think of ways to make the audience more silent. Like, it's incredible. Like, it's like you broke a code of words all in an order so that nothing was funny. It's incredible. It's like you broke a code of words all in an order so that nothing was funny. It's incredible.

You took one of the funniest accents and you made it so unfunny. Go ahead, Walter. I guess our troops finally got a moment of silence today. That was a special Memorial Day treat. Chris, let's talk about your real life.

So what do you do exactly? You toss salads. I used to toss salads. Now I just work at a regular restaurant. Right. You're a waiter. So I'm a waiter. I also work at the Professional Drum Shop down in Hollywood.

Professional Drum Shop? Wait a second here. What do you do for a professional drum shop? Right now, I'm kind of like their IT guy. IT guy at their drum shop? Yeah. What is that? Plug the computer into the wall?

Basically, that's kind of where it's at right now. Wow. You don't play drums yourself? Oh, yeah. You do? That's why I came out here, yeah. Really? I knew it.

You came out here to play drums? Yeah, to be in a metal band. You're in a metal band? Oh, my God. This is crazy. Wow. I mean, you're literally one of the worst comedians of all time. Yeah, can we start making rules?

Like, if they're super unfunny? Oh, no, there's no rules, you motherfuckers. I mean, I don't care. Do you know we do a thing on this show called the Mexican Drum Off? I've seen it, yeah. You've seen it? Yep. You worked your whole life for this. Shut up. Alright. Do you think you can handle it? Do you think you can handle

a drum solo going up against Joel Berg? I mean, if you win, you'll be... I mean, this was worth a shot coming up here, and it didn't go so well, so might as well give that a shot too. You guys think we should do a Mexican drum off, huh? What do you think? All right, here we go. Joel, go to the back.

I appreciate you very much. We'll give him a fucking shot. Let's see what happens here. And Chris Mandry, get behind the drums. Now, if you win this, if you have a better drum solo than Joel, then you become the new Kill Tony drummer full time. You're going

with us on the summer tour all through the Midwest, Chicago, New York. It's a really big deal. But I must warn you, nobody has ever beaten Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez at his own gig before. So you think you can handle it? I hope so.

All right. Well, you guys excited? All right. Okay. Well, going first tonight, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together. He was, you know, he couldn't have done any worse on stage. But let's find out if he actually has a chance. One of the worst comedians ever

could become the new drummer here tonight. A guy that's literally done it a handful of times over years. He has no work ethic. No natural abilities whatsoever comedically. And he has a chance of becoming a full-time cast member. Is this not excitement?

All right. Here he goes. Chris Mandry, everyone. Hit. All right. Holy shit. Wow. All right. This is crazy. There's a guy dancing. This guy's having the time of his life. Chris Mandry. Holy shit.

Wow. Very exciting. Holy shit. All right. That might be the best I've seen somebody do. That is one of the best we've ever seen anybody do. And that's crazy. The pressure is on.

But you know what? I think we should make it even a little bit harder for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. I agree. I agree. Because tonight we have a special, a very special person in attendance. The backup sound guy here at the Comedy Store is actually a drummer. And he has seen this show and Danny Lucas, the regular sound guy, put him in position. He's a real drummer.

He's a real Mexican. He's a real Mexican. And he's an employee of the Comedy Store. He was going to do this at the end of the episode. I guess we're going to do it in the middle instead. Let's do it. Put your hands together. He's also going to compete for Joel's job. This is a real Mexican drum off.

Make some noise for Anthony Drinkwater. Wow, look at this. Just a rotating door of drum solos. He is also, at the end of this, we're going to find out who your favorite was. Now remember, it's not just about drums. It's about performance. It's about comedic output during the drum solo.

It's about showmanship. Are you guys ready for another drum off? Here he is. Comedy Store Zone, Anthony Drinkwater. Whoa! He's not even moving yet.

Wow! Holy shit. Whoa! Wow! Holy shit! Oh my god! Wow! Holy shit. Okay. Wow. Wow.

I mean, this is one of those situations that is complete chaos. For those of you that are longtime fans of the show, you must be sweating bullets right now. I know we are. This is an incredible moment. This is the first ever three-way Mexican drum off. And here to defend his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs, Kill Tony's very own Jolbert Jolimenez. for Joel Jimenez!

He's got a giant strap-on on! He took that kid's medication! He took the first Comet's medication. the first Comet's Medicare. Wow, he has a gigantic purple dildo attached to him. We haven't even seen him drum yet. The place is in chaos. Ladies and gentlemen,

with his drum solo, the one, the only, Joe Bird! Oh, can I get some claps? Here he goes. Wow! Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. He's foaming at the mouth. Wow!

Huh? That's a standing ovation. He's got ice cream all over him. He's got ice cream coming out of his mouth. He's spinning on the ground. The comedians are even on their feet. It's unbelievable. Joel Berg, I told you.

I'm fucking ready to die for this shit. You fucking idiots. I'm not new to this. I'm true to this. Wow. Truly, the monster of Kill Tony, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. All right.

My, how easily he appears to have dominated. How many of you have Chris Mandry winning that Mexican drum off, huh? Wow. How many of you have Anthony Drinkwater winning the Mexican Drum Off? That's a lot of people. How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning? Wow.

Wow. He's hitting. For those of you that are just listening, I must warn you, you're crazy for just listening to this podcast. You absolutely need to start watching and tell your friends to start watching on YouTube every single week. He's been hitting

the cymbals with a giant purple strap-on dildo. I bring viewers. That's what I do. It's comedic fucking steroids. That's incredible. Chris Mandry, you can go back to your seat. How about another hand for the great Anthony Drinkwater coming down.

Well working lights. Amazing. Both were amazing. We gotta say. My goodness. Those were great drum ops. And Joel Berg comes through in the clutch. I mean, just defending the throne. He's gone now. For those of you just listening, he was hitting his, just defending the throne. He's gone now.

For those of you just listening, he was hitting his dildo against drums. He ate a Klondike bar during all of that. Just incredible. I've never seen the comedians. Can I get some claps? I think we found out tonight that hitting a strap-on against a drum might be one of the funniest things in all of comedy.

I mean, you just can't beat that. Tony, I got Aphrodite drooling over here. Wow. Look at that. You got the fucking... That looks like Barney's cock. Look what's under it, dude. I got them hangers, dude.

That came with balls, too? Wow. That's incredible. Crazy. By the way, that's our YouTube-friendly purple dildo that you can get on Amazon Prime right now. Yeah, exactly. That is no nudity. That is a fake penis. Get that damn word out of your mouth, exactly. That is no nudity. That is a fake penis.

Get that damn word out of your mouth, Amazon. Well, we have a regular on this show. Perhaps one of the only things that can even follow any type of chaos like that is another one of the funniest humans that we know.

You heard a little bit about him here tonight. His reputation precedes him. As a regular, he's truly one of the best we've ever had, always entertaining every week. He has his own very distinct, unorthodox style. He's absolutely wild, and I think he's one of the funniest things in the world right now. Put your hands together for the great William Montgomery, everybody. Oh, my goodness.

Here he is. Here he is! Live in the flesh! William Montgomery! How's it going? My name is William Montgomery, and I'm running for county alderman. It's been a long time coming. I think I realized I wanted to be a politician the day my grandfather went overboard on a boat. We were on. I couldn't save him. Damned if I didn't try.

He was out in the waves for probably 30 minutes I just couldn't reach him my arms weren't long enough but what I can promise you people tonight if y'all elect me to county alderman your arms might not be long enough but by God mine will be

I watched my grandfather die. Out in the surf. This is Vaseline in my ear. How am I going to go to sleep tonight? I'm going to have to remember to take a shower. It's all over. Wow. William

lights out Montgomery. Tony, are you cool with me getting into a couple of my policies? If you have more, this is like a real pitch for what? County Alderman? County Alderman. Is that a real vote that's coming up?

It is. Okay. Go ahead. Sure. If we're on the topic of making our community safer, let's really sit down and talk about the elephant in the room. There have been studies conducted. Hold on.

Wait, wait. I don't think we need the national anthem. It's just County Alderman he's running for. It's definitely not presidential. Go ahead. There have been studies conducted by our leading scientists in the great nation of America

that prove beyond any shadow of a doubt elephants serve no other purpose than the very real risk of trampling people at our local zoos. If I'm elected county alderman, elephants will no longer be allowed in our zoos by 2022. Pack your germs. More like pack your bags. We don't need your germs. Wow. That's incredible. So one of your main, the first policy you pitched is getting rid of elephants by 2022. Okay, what's another policy?

In every community I go and visit, there's always a common theme, a theme that the more and more I see happening, the more and more I want your vote as county alderman. If I can get your vote as county alderman, you can take it to the bank. I will be lowering all sidewalks to the height of the street. Every night I turn on the news and see image after image of kids, of people breaking their ankles, breaking their legs, because our society tells us the height of the sidewalk has to be that of the height of the street. USA! USA? USA!

USA! Alright, so William, are there other policies? This is actually a side note, but my opponent has... Can I ask you something? This is your look for politics? You look like you own a mortuary. You're selling waterbeds in Van Nuys or something like that.

What do I sell? Yeah, I do sell waterbeds. Hey, I heard you got kicked out recently at a show. We heard earlier. Walter, Walter. He looks like a pastor of a church that worships the white devil. So, William, tell us a little bit about this gig. You had to sneak beer into it, huh?

Is this how you represent the Kill Tony brand when you're out there on the road, huh? I did. I was drinking Coors Light. Coors Light. You had to sneak Coors Light. It was a bite in, and I brought it on in, and the guy, I brought it on stage, and the guy, when I got off stage, he came up to the beer, and he smelled it, and he was like, that's fake beer, right?

And I said, no, it's not. And he said, what are you talking about? And y'all just picture me wearing this outfit, just putting on my tape player, some Allman Brothers band, just one of their live recordings just getting the guy by the throat just cutting it wait you cut the guy's throat?

is that true? no I'm kidding I lost a jacket that night I lost a jacket it was horrible are you looking at more policies right now? just as a little side note, I don't know if any of you have been able to see my opponent's truck he drives every day. It's the real loud one with the double Confederate flags prominently displaying on the cab of his truck.

Sir, this is America, not Mississippi in the 90s. That was my best joke. It scares me it was not uproarious laughter. I don't give this guy's comedy, but he has good taste in sunglasses. Yeah, you guys do have the same sunglasses on.

It's very impressive. Where'd you get those sunglasses? 1972. You got it from the 1899 cent store. Alright. Okay, guys. So stare down is never really good for podcasting.

So, William, anything else in your normal life happen this week? I know you're running for alderman and that you're really committed to talking. I'm running for alderman. Y'all don't repeat us, but I literally got a new pet from Petco. Let's hear some noise. Why would we hear noise for that? What type of pet did you get?

A bearded dragon. You got a bearded dragon? A bearded dragon. And he is in my bathtub. I thought he couldn't climb up the sides. He did. He's now lost in my bathtub. I thought he couldn't climb up the sides. He did. He's now lost in my apartment. Every night I go to sleep

for the past five nights, I've received horrible bite marks on my neck. Is this true? It is. It really scares me. I have a bearded dragon on the loose. I was trying to be a good Samaritan. Just adopting a bearded dragon. the loose. I was trying to be a good Samaritan. Just adopting a bearded dragon.

I go to sleep at night. How much was it to adopt a bearded dragon? $300. That's not being a good person. You paid $300 for a bearded dragon that you weren't prepared to take care of, William. And now he is slithering through my apartment waiting for me to go to sleep.

I breathe out of my mouth. I feel like sleep. I breathe out of my mouth. I feel like he hears me breathing out of my mouth and he bites me and I start having dreams about peeing in my bed even though I don't. Are you sure you don't?

Have you ever peed the bed? I did last night. Is that true? It is. Really? William, I think sometimes you lie. I just hope y'all remember me. I don't know if y'all used to get the Beckett magazines

about the most just valuable playing cards. I was on one at one point as a baseball player for the Mets. Rusty style. And there was a picture of me looking for an old friend named Tony Chin.

Oh. I don't know where Tony Chin is. He came up as a person I might know on Facebook the other day a lot of people have been very curious as to whether Tony Chin is a real person or not

I know people close to me it's come up in my household as of late my wife asked me she specifically asked do you think Tony Chin is a real person? Is Tony Chin a real person? Tony Chin taught me to do CPR. I don't know if you all remember the movie The Sandlot,

but when that really, really pretty girl... Wendy Peppercorn. Wendy Peppercorn, just that one guy. Squints. Squints. Squints. He just acted like he was drowning, and then just Wendy Peffercorn touching his lips. There's just a moment.

Tony Chin. I pretended like I drowned in a pool, and Tony Chin saved me, and the rest is history. Do the math. Why would we have to do the math? All right, William. All right.

All right. I love this fucking guy. How about another hand for William Montgomery, everybody? A new minute. Fun interview. Grab some ice cream, William. Don't leave without ice cream. Impossible way.

Yeah, you know what? Before we go, let's go back to the bucket. But before we do, let's have some more fun. About a month ago in Phoenix, Arizona, we had the third ever golden ticket winner. He's already came in to redeem a spot here on Kill Tony Once. This is his second

time ever coming here to the comedy store. He just turned 21 three weeks ago. And he's a monster. Let's see another new minute from Tristan Bowling, everybody. Golden ticket winner from Phoenix, Arizona. Golden ticket winner.

From Phoenix, Arizona, 21 years old. Here he is, Tristan Bowling. Oh, how we doing, Kill Tony? Oh, we having fun? This is cool. Oh, geez Louise. I just turned 21 years old, which is sick. I mean, I'm an alcoholic.

Dope. My dad tries to take me out places to bond, you know? He, like, takes me to Hooters and shit. Do I look like a Hooters guy? You know? Like, my natural habitat is a fucking Hooters. Like, no. Like, I don't know why you need a boner to eat. Seriously, can you imagine? Like, it's a kickstand for deep and sauce like no there's no fucking utility there i don't get it every time we go there my dad just gets drunk and pretends like we both don't know mom you know what i mean it's like what the fuck the woman who pushed me out we've met like she would have taken me to chili's i'm a

tattletale bitch like oh dude i uh i really i really love uh blind people oh shit is there more you want to finish yeah i could finish it up i love blind people and i think braille is great but how do they find it? You know? Is that? Am I alone in that? Can you imagine being like, where did Stacey go? She went to the bathroom a minute ago. It's like, oh, she's been reading Stucco for 45 minutes. Just being like, Van Nuys has so much culture. Is that an umlaut?

All right, guys. My name's been Tristan. Yeah. Boom. Tristan Bowling Another great new minute Very very exciting stuff Thank you

Third time ever on the show You're so fun It felt like a refreshing reset in here Yeah that was great I'm no purple dildo but I try my best Tony No no it's true That's goddamn right you're not. My goodness.

Look at this postman back here. He's in shambles. Still has the underwear. Shirt tucked into the underwear. Rare maneuver. And then look at this. We have this little adorable fucking female Ghostbuster up here. From the new, from the most recent Ghostbusters.

My mom told me I look like a big rig tricycle mechanic. You do. Yeah. You do. I got the docks on. You're like a plumber at bring your daughter to work day. Tristan's like a hip dude. He's got like real style. Oh yeah, I'm dripping head to toe.

You know Tony. Tristan's the type of guy that dresses Pete Davidson and shit like that. He wishes I could dress him. I would get him in a ghillie suit looking fucking stupid. You know what I mean? That's true. That's a big part of his thing is what he looks like.

Oh man, Ariana would have given him a chance. Just saying. Only if. So Tristan, it's been a couple weeks since we've seen you. What else has been going on in life? Nothing much. Phoenix is fun. Still a big, dirty piece of shit, though.

Yeah. I did a rap show recently. Oh, yeah. That's right. You do rap. Your rap blew us away in Phoenix, Arizona. How'd the rap show go for you? It was really fun.

They introduced me as a rapper, and then my pasty ass got up there, so everyone was just like, what? Did they give you a rap name or anything like that? Yeah, my rap name's Baby Boy. Baby Boy? Yeah. Would you mind giving this audience a little, would you guys like a little sample of a...

Yeah, absolutely. There he is. He's gonna rap for you. Alright he is. He's going to rap for you. All right. Okay. Got gratitude, hi, call me Latitude, the baddest dude ripping in the club with the attitude. I'm doing my best to stay on the path less traveled,

lay down the concrete, paving over the gravel. Find me like Shrek in the swamp and I'm chugging the water, that turn of the frog skate. Riding the heavy, that potter, her mighty, the mother, red sucker, that death like a sundae. No death, I'm both like it's I'm Chuck in the water. That turn of the frog skate. Ride in the heavy, that Potter, Hermione, the Mother Red Sucker, that death like a sundae. No death, I'm both like it's Sunday. Not in a palm like it's pomade. Sippin' the tippin' like sundae. Palm like a bomb like a sundae. Cause see, I am clarity.

Motherfuckin' get fucked with me. I'm killed Tony. Fuckin' up this shit and Noah fuck with me, motherfucker. Yeah, Tristan Bowling. This guy's full of surprises. Even the Apollo 13 is approving this. Hey, hey, hey. The real Apollo.

Wow. Hey, he knows how to. Damn. I got all that shit. I played Fortnite a couple times. Wow. Look at this. That's incredible.

You even have the Apollo 13 on your side. That's incredible. Your likability the Apollo 13 on your side. That's incredible. Your likability range is wild, Tristan. Everybody likes you. It's like a hip Jerry Lewis. Afro is booing me? Oh, someone's booing. Aphrodite, what the fuck?

Afro, what do you want to do? Can you out-rap him? Can you out-rap me? You can? Are you fucking serious? This show's out of control. Afro, you're going to go spit bars and make me look like a bitch? No, no.

Fucking okay, man. She's just going through a diabetic shock right now. She had three ice creams. She's not going to. You just have to ask her to be in one of your rap music videos. Oh. Oh, God. Come on, Afro, relax.

The last rap she heard was by Curtis Blow. She doesn't know anything about that. All right, I'll see you later. I'm going to go hang out with my dildo in the back. Tristan, anything else that's happened in the past couple weeks that we'd be surprised about or anything else in life? Your parents excited about this new Kill Tony thing you got going on where you go to L.A. once every couple weeks?

Dude, they're so fucking hyped, dog. Really? Yeah, it's so cool. They just don't want me to drink and drive and shit, but fuck them, you know what I mean? That's right. You're a real 21-year-old rock star. You can do whatever you want. Dude, my mom's like, don't smoke weed

in the car on the ride over. I'm like, what do you mean? You're not there. I'm a chain smoke blunts, bitch. Wow. Damn. That's incredible. How many blunts do you have to chain smoke For a guy like you to be able to do

Like that one footed thing like that Listen listen Tony I've been going all day And uh No I have too high of a tolerance When it comes to weed Someone can just hit me over the head with marijuana baseball bat I wouldn't feel shit It's fucked up

Well that's incredible because our friends at Speedweed Actually have a marijuana baseball bat That we are going to hit you in the head with right now. Gino brought a... Dude, the dispensary edibles in Arizona are so different compared to the ones here. You can get like a 500 milligram chocolate

bar there and just ruin your life. What happens if you eat a 500 milligram chocolate bar? That's what happened to William Montgomery, dog. Today? He was an accountant. Someone slipped him some syrup and now he's just like, you know? Is that the explanation for him running for county alderman for the first time ever?

Is that him version of getting ego death just trying to get his shit together? It's wild. Well, Tristan, you're 21 years old. You've had three good sets on this show. I can't wait to see more. Come back anytime. Absolutely. We love him. It's Tristan Bowling, everybody. Have a great night, everybody.

This guy got the golden ticket and he takes advantage of it. Drives six or seven hours to be here on a Monday. How crazy is that? One more time for Tristan, everybody. Was that your first time seeing Tristan, Steve? Yeah. He's incredible.

We're having fun here. Steve, have I ever asked you before, is there ever anything you did when you first started stand-up comedy that you're surprised that you did, like a joke or like a, you know? Everything. Really? Yeah. I used to have a comedy outfit.

Really? What was your comedy outfit? I would wear an Andrew Dice Clay T-shirt underneath to bring me good luck. Oh, God. And then I'd wore a Hawaiian shirt because I wanted people to think I was like the life of the puppet. Right. You know what's funny?

I think I remember you wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Were you still wearing that in 2007, you think? Maybe. No. No, by that I haven't given up on that. I feel like I remember seeing you in a Hawaiian shirt one time. And I remember because my first impression of you was actually like I thought when I first saw you I was like I bet this guy's an asshole off stage like it's like there was

something about you in which I'm like I bet this guy's mean you ever get that do people assume that you're mean right from the beginning uh no it was just me anyway Anyway, well, there we go. A nice little break from the comedy there for a second. You know, it's good for us to catch our breath sometimes. You know what I mean? But, yeah, I remember thinking, like, this guy seems so nice on stage, but I bet he's mean off stage. And then here we are 12 years later, friends,

you're giving ice cream out to everybody. Yeah, dude, and you guys are way cooler than me. I feel like I'm hanging out with the bad kids right now. Are you kidding me? You're about to have the number one comedy album in the world on iTunes. The Kill Tony bump is in full effect. It's happening. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

You guys excited to get back to the bucket one more time, huh? Seems like some people are mad out there. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Mara Gold, everyone. Mara Gold. Oh, yay. Girl. Girl. One more time for Mara Gold, everyone.

Thanks. I can't rap, but I do have one impression. Do you guys like impressions? Cool. This is my impression of a really woke cannibal. Really woke cannibal. Really woke cannibal. I don't even taste race. Yeah. Yeah.

So, giving a handjob is a lot like playing Mortal Kombat, right? I'll explain. So, at first it's kind of fun fun but then your hands cramp up real fast and after a couple minutes you're just over it and all you want to do is finish him! Yeah, that's all I got. Here you go, 50 seconds from Mara Gold. They were the dandons of the night.

All right. So, Mara, let's talk about it. First time on the show? Oh, yeah. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months. Three months.

Three months. All here in Los Angeles. Yeah. What made you want to start? Can't afford therapy. Can't afford therapy. Can't afford therapy. Oh, we've been hearing that a lot lately. That's been a reoccurring theme. My friends that do go to therapy and do comedy are laughing right now.

So, what do you think you need therapy for? I'm Minnesotan, so a lot of repressed. You're what? Minnesotan. You're Minnesotan, so a lot of repressed. You're what? Minnesotan.

You're Minnesotan? Yeah. Oh, wow. There's some fans of Minnesota out there. All right. My goodness. So because you're from Minnesota, you're depressed? Depressed and repressed.

Depressed and repressed. Yeah. Tell us more about you, Mara. What else? Tell us more. Good, Mara. What else? Tell us more. Good parents? Fun childhood? The best.

Wow. All right. This is just fucking amazing right now. This is what happened to Lisa Loeb after everything. So was it really bad? Because I'm sensing some sarcasm there, I think. It wasn't terrific. It wasn't terrific.

Can you be more descriptive of what your childhood was like? Like specifically? Sure, yes. Like a live show specifically. Like they're all watching you right now specifically. One's dead, so that's fine. Your mom's dead? No, my dad's dead.

Dad's dead. How did he die? Pancreatic cancer. Wow so that's fine. Your mom's dead? No, my dad's dead. Dad's dead. How did he die? Pancreatic cancer. Wow, that's a big one. That gets you quick. It's not great. You didn't have much warning once he got it. It was soon after that, correct?

Pretty, like a year. Like a year. Yeah. Were you and your dad close? Yeah. How old were you when he died? 24? And he was a heavy smoker?

Sure, yeah. Well, it was, and then quit, and then... Well, at the end, I'm sure, yeah, you had to quit. You know what I mean? Can't keep smoking after the old dead dead, you know what I mean? How about mom? She a smoker, too? Uh... You don't know much about your mom. When did you move out of the house?

16. 16, now that's interesting. What'd you move out of the house? 16. 16. Now that's interesting. That's really young. Where'd you move into? How did you move away at 16? I packed my bag and... You had an older boyfriend, didn't you?

Older boyfriend? Older boyfriend? No, not at the time. So where'd you go? You packed your bags and then? I moved into a house with a bunch of old hippies and young frat boys. Old hippies and young frat

boys. That is an interesting combination. That's my favorite porn category. Yeah. Old hippies and young frat boys. At the same time, both of those? Yes.

It doesn't really go together. That seems like a weird combination. So what happened? You end up staying in that house? Then what happens? Did you hang out more with the old hippies or the young frat boys? None of the above. I came home one night and there was a naked frat boy in my bed.

And then I just took my bag and left forever. You left forever. And then where'd you go? Never Neverland. No, I took the train to Portland. You took a train to Portland. Where were you before? Minnesota.

And you just took the train due west. You're like, I'm going to Portland. Empire Builders. You get off the train in Portland. Then what happens? I worked at a hostel for a while and you stayed at that hostel while working there yes yes yes

incredible for how long two months and then what and then I ran out of money I went home I think back to Minnesota highlight of your life. Anything interesting that's ever happened on your travels or at home or perhaps in any way whatsoever.

Any fun facts about you? Something that you think makes you a little bit different than anybody else or something that's happened? Why you ended up the way you did? Careful. He doesn't know you're in the witness protection program. Yeah. This would be a crazy show to come on to, but I wouldn't be surprised. Go ahead.

Anything that you think you're good at or any hobbies that you have? Do you play drums? I used to play drums. Did you create Broad City or anything? I played the harmonica. You played a harmonica back in the day.

Wow. And look at that face that you make after that. That's incredible. Like a young Howard Stern. Not proud. Oh, God. Samara, what do you do for fun? Like, what are things that you enjoy?

You a heavy drinker? Yes. You are? Absolutely. Wow. How many drinks do you think you have a night? Tonight? Not tonight specifically, but on an average night of drinking. Six, seven, eight? Five to ten. Five to ten. Right in there. And what's your living situation?

A lot of fans of heavy drinking. Wow. Standing ovation from the guy that was dancing at Joel's Drum Off earlier. Who would have guessed? So, Mara, how about a crazy night of drinking for you? Anything you remember from a crazy night of drinking? Some type of accomplishment or something? People were like, you know what you did last night?

And they told you. Go ahead. So, when I moved to L.A., I got punched by two different dudes on two consecutive nights. Wow, what a bitch you must have been. You know what I mean? Jesus. Two separate dudes. So you're really obnoxious when you drink or you do bad stuff.

You must just be an angry prude or something like that. I mean, a prude. What did you do? I'm just kidding. It's a comedy show. What did you do to get punched in the face? I only once was in the face. Okay.

Where was the other place that you got punched? That was a donkey punch. That's game on, dude. Yeah. Oh, you got fisted. Can't complain about those. So what did you do to get punched? The first time I just got stuck in like a 12-dude stomp down,

and I just froze because I didn't know what to do. And then it wasn't on purpose. 12-dude stomp down. That's the name of the band the guy I beat earlier was in, actually. 12-dude stomp down. 12-dude stomp down. So how did that happen? How did you get into a 12-dude stomp down?

I was just there and then it happened around me and I didn't fight or fight. I just froze in place. And it was an accident. It wasn't on purpose. Okay, so that was one of the punches. How about the other time you got punched? Was that an accident too?

That was less of an accident. Okay, go ahead. He got... There's a fellow that got upset that I was a Jew. It was less of an accident. Okay, go ahead. There's a fellow that got upset that I was a Jew. Wait, that you were Jewish? Mm-hmm. Oh, I hate crime. Wait a second, you're Jewish?

I know. You gotta get the fuck, no, I'm kidding. So a guy you were hanging out with found out that, no, just some guy randomly at a place was like, you're Jewish. And you're like, yeah, I'm Jewish. More or less, yeah. And then he punched you in the face. In the butt. There's a little more to it than that, but more or less, yeah.

Okay. Oh, wow. I feel like I was on Etsy for 20 minutes. Yeah. My goodness. Mara. I would, yeah. I feel like she has the world record

for most NPR listened to ever. Yeah, it's incredible. I feel like Ira Glass is your dream man. Never mind. Anyway, back to you in the studio, Tony. Yeah, I mean, it's just a little bit wild. I'm trying to figure out, like I feel like there's something about you that you know would break this interview wide open right now that you don't want to talk about because you don't want it to be out there.

And then we're just going to end up ending this thing. Like, whoa, that was a crazy bad ending to an unbelievable show. It was, like, so exciting the whole time. And then, like, there was that one that went up at the end. And, like, we couldn't get any real answers out of her. And she just sort of half told stories. I'm just bad at thinking on my feet. What?

I'm bad at thinking on my feet. You're bad at thinking on your feet. Wow, I almost thought that you were going to give us a fun fact about your feet for a second is what I thought I heard. I'm like, oh, you have something up with your feet? Here we go. We'll be able to get out on a big laugh. And then we'll all go home happy. You know comedy.

This guy's falling asleep. Walter's wife's husband is falling asleep right now. We're losing him. You see that, Mara? That doesn't happen on Kill Tony. I hate that guy. He stole my wife. All right.

Marguerite, come back to me. Mara, is there anything that we're missing that you think might be interesting or something? Something that you've done or something that had happened to you? Maybe even something that you saw. Perhaps even you were out doing something and you saw William Montgomery do something interesting. You could tell us about that.

I don't have any William Montgomery stories yet. No, right. What's your favorite porn? You could tell us about that. I don't have any William Montgomery stories yet. No. Right. What's your favorite porn? Black Ab Bush. There must be something that's interesting about you. Is there perhaps something that you like to do for a hobby? Something that you fuck in anything in the world. Like, what the fuck do you do?

Let's go through an average day. This is what I like to do when I find out that someone is just a glass of water. So, let's go through an average day. Where do you wake up? You start your day here in Los Angeles. You wake up where? I just moved yesterday. You moved yesterday to where?

Koreatown. Koreatown. You live by yourself? No, I live with five dudes. Five dudes. One place. So your place is in the living room. Three hippies.

Alpha, beta, groovy. It's on a couch. You're on a couch. No, I have like a ballroom to myself. You have a ballroom to yourself. Are you saying that because there's ten testicles around you and you wake up every morning? Alright, let's get out of here. There's Mara

Gold. There we go. We gotta get her out of here. There she goes, Mara Gold. Hey, look at this drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Whatever you do right now, you go to iTunes and you buy Jabba right now. And you preorder Reagan and Watkins. You do both fucking things for me.

This is a free podcast. So go out there and have some fucking fun. Listen to Jabba. Rate, review, rate, review. Your preorder for Reagan and Watkins. It's coming out. They're on panel next week. How about another hand for the great Steve Simone?

Thank you for having me, buddy. I feel like the show was so crazy tonight. We barely even got... It was so chaos. A lot more drums and rapping than there usually is. How about another hand for the great Walter over there, huh? Reagan and Watkins release party, June 7th. The album, or the release

party, June 6th. The album, June 7th. But the point is, you can pre-order it right now. So do that. Listen to Jeremiah Wonders on everything podcastable and subscribe to his YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins and follow him on social media

at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah, it's a second volume of the roadcast of Jeremiah Wonders with the Killed Tony crew, Red Band, Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, we had a lot of fun making those. Yeah, and Reagan Watkins is on panel next week, so very excited about that. They are on panel for you, L.A.,

and you're a nearby L.A. and you're a die Reagan and Watkins fan. We know there's a lot of you. Come here next week. It's going to be a big party. Maybe some special band members filling in for the great Jeremiah Watkins. How about one more time for Jeremiah, huh? And over there, we got Silent But Deadly, the lone

assassin, Chroma. Chris, over there. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? It really delivered, Tony. Alright, there you go. Chroma Chris is on Instagram at Chroma Chris. Do you have a Twitter yet? No. Oh, okay. How about another hand, guys? He did a lot

of work tonight. The winner of Double Mexican Drum Off, Joel Jimenez. Huh? That's sort of a chant there. Still has the dildo on. He's on social media, mostly sorry. We're continuing our tour. All the shows are almost sold out,

if they're not sold out already. Definitely get on that second Gramercy show if you're in New York, because that will sell out. And yeah, everything else is fucking gravy. Reagan and Watkins next week. Jeff Ross the week after that, which is technically our six-year birthday. And

then the week after that is Brian Holtzman for the first time ever. So we're really excited about the shows going on here. Come on back. Show your friends the show. Have a lot of fun out there. We love you, live audience. Thank you for coming. Good night. See you, guys. Субтитры подогнал «Симон»