KILL TONY - KILL TONY #358 - KANSAS

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/07/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic. Every goal, every game, every point, every play. From the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten. Whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot-on goal in the first period. So whatever the sport, whatever the moment,

it's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv.

There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. Also, if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live at the Comedy Store every Monday. Also, we are in the middle of this huge tour. This week, we're going to be in Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee. By the way, Milwaukee, you need to step up. You guys are barely buying tickets. You're the only

city in this tour that we're having problems with. So, if you live in Milwaukee or your friends live in Milwaukee, get them out there June 12th. Also, June 13th, we'll be in Chicago. Then we're having problems with. So if you live in Milwaukee or your friends live in Milwaukee, get them out there June 12th. Also June 13th, we'll be in Chicago. Then we're in Madison, Minneapolis. Then we're back at the Comedy Store. Then we're in New York at Poughkeepsie.

And then we're in New York and we finish it up in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. Go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates for tickets and info. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, his website's RyanJEbelt.com.

Get your books and prints and posters at RyanJEbelt.com. Last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe can be found at Shop shopsquad.tv. There we have a couple Kill Tony shirts left. We have some Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv.

All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Granada in Lawrence, Kansas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchclap. Look at that bucket. Beautiful Lawrence, Kansas. We've arrived. Make some fucking noise.

Wowie, yowie, wowie. The great Brian Redman is here, everybody. How exciting. This is our first ever Kill Tony in the Kansas, Missouri area. This is an exciting night for us. The beginning of leg number two of our crazy summer tour. How about a hand for this bucket that was made by a former Kill Tony contestant in Houston, Trey Thompson. Amazing.

Made it, has all the other dates on the back of it. Some of them already X'd out because we've been there. Here we are, beautiful Lawrence already showing us love with an amazing custom-made bucket. You guys excited about this? You're at the number one live podcast in the world right now. A lot of the other podcasts have decided to not go live anymore for specific reasons. Not us, though. We have maintained.

We are streaming. Well, not right now. We're not streaming right now. It turns out Lawrence doesn't have the best Wi-Fi. So who would have guessed that? But the tour continues tomorrow, which is a little fun fact. I wasn't even going to say anything, but why not? I just saw it.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I know. Happy birthday. Omaha, Nebraska. And we're going to say anything, but why not? I just saw it. It's my birthday tomorrow. I know. Happy birthday. Omaha, Nebraska. And we're going to be in Omaha. And then Des Moines. Then we go back to L.A. on Monday just for one night for an amazing Kill Tony at the Comedy Store

with the guest Jeffrey Ross and maybe another special treat. And then we go out again on Tuesday. Every night after that, Appleton, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, and New York. New York, two shows, second show added at the Gramercy Theater. And the new Reagan and Watkins album is out. Today is its official release date. And we're with you.

How crazy is that? So cool. Of course, the great artist Ryan J. Ebel could not be here in his physical body tonight. He's back in Los Angeles. However, he did make leg two of the summer tour posters, which start here in Lawrence, Kansas, that are available for sale on your way out. We'll sign them.

We'll take a picture with you, whatever you want. And Jeremiah has Feminist Stacy shirts for sale and the new Reagan and Watkins album. You can actually buy it after the show. And I got some Death Squad pins that glow in the dark. Of course, we have no guests as we always do on the

road. We go guestless. However, and there's no Jolberg tonight it seems. There's no drum set. Yeah, look at it. It's too empty. He's not allowed here. Tickets weren't moving as fast as we were hoping for Lawrence. Maybe you should buy your tickets when they go on sale next time,

and Joel will be in the budget. However, it just so happens that the leader of the band is from Kansas City, Kansas. The first show he ever saw in his life was here at the Granada Theater. Yeah. He saw Spoon. Spoon. Back in the 90s. I turned my camera on.

He's got an album, a huge album available everywhere that literally comes out today. He's in his hometown. We're all staying at his mom's place tonight. This is a real hometown vibe. He's one of my favorite comedians on the planet, one of the funniest humans in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Every episode, by the way, he's in a different character.

We never know what he's going to do on this show. Maybe it'll be a famous character that we've seen before. Maybe it's the debut of a brand-new character. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Jeremiah Watkins, the Kill Tony Band. He's the entire band tonight. Whoa! Standing ovation for Kansas' own.

This is incredible. He has gone back to the future. He's been here before. He's on stage. This is the return of Doc Brown, I do believe. Am I correct? Great Scott, Tony. Welcome.

Have you ever been here before? Many years ago, I saw Spoon. Well, I'm glad that you were able to make it. You brought your DeLorean here? Yeah, it's parked out back. I love it. You look fucking fantastic. Doc Brown, if he was about to make meth, something like that, right? Thank you. I'm back in Kansas, and I already attached truck nuts to my DeLorean.

I don't even know what that means. Truck nuts. That must be a Kansas thing. I don't know. Everybody's laughing. I don't get it. Did you know a Jayhawk's not even a real animal, by the way? I found this out today doing research on this area. What's it called?

The famous school here is the KU, right? They're a big basketball team. The Jayhawks. I'm like, what the fuck is a Jayhawk? I look it up. It's like, mascots only, bitch. I'm like, what? Why would you do that? Fake animal.

Alright. Anyway, so we have... Tony. Yes. It may have existed in another timeline. What? Never mind. I didn't hear you. I'll try to enunciate as dark. So far you haven't

understood anything I've said. I really can't. I think it might be the monitors or something. Is it clear to you guys out there? Everything is, right? That's what it is. To us it sounds like... Anyway, but we'll get through it.

I'll just nod yes, and I'll just tag the jokes that I think you make over there throughout the episode. I have a bucket of destiny here, everybody. We have Doc Brown, Red Band, and the Lawrence, Kansas bucket of destiny. Do we have a lot of names?

A lot of names signed up tonight. A real fucking thick bucket. At least three or four pages. I think three full pages of names. Which is a lot. I think that's in the 70, 80, 90 range. So we'll see what fucking happens. That's basically how many people

signed up tonight for their very first time to do stand-up comedy. See, there's a lot of them out there. We've had a lot of that on the road lately. Oh, hello, sweetheart. Look at her with the open legs on the second. Yeah, no. Wow! Look at you, little fun pants over there. How many people signed up that

are actually comics that have done it a few times? Yeah, there you go. Hell yeah, this guy raised his hand super politely. No way he's funny. Funny people never raise their hand for shit. Hell yeah. If I pull your name out of the bucket,

you get 60 seconds on this stage to do stand-up comedy or really try to fucking do anything creative. At the end of the 60 seconds, you'll know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or we're sure going to bring out

the angry Missy Bees Bear. Is that the right reference? Hell yeah. There we go. We nailed it. Just to let you know, if I pull your name out, the only entranceway possible is over there or really? Yeah, it's right here. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Or there's two ramps on either side, but you got to go to those. Don't try to climb over. Doc Brown, you ready for this shit? Let's do it's right here. Oh, okay. Yeah. Or there's two ramps on either side, but you gotta go to those. Don't try to climb over. Doc Brown, you ready for this shit? Let's do it! Alright. Audience, are you ready? Anything can happen. The bucket of destiny has spoken and your first comedian, getting an

uninterrupted 60 seconds and then being interviewed by us, goes by the name of Craig Compton. Craig Compton will start tonight's show. Here he comes. He's going backwards, going literally the wrong way. Hell yeah. I like his approach.

All the way to the, if you want to get to the front, you got to go to the back sometimes. You know what I mean? You guys excited about this? Here he comes. He brought his Michelob Ultra with him. One more time for Craig Compton. So we'll start off with some animal jokes.

90% of giraffe sex is homosexual. If I had a neck that long, I'd want to show it off too. All right. So at any given time, 50% of orangutans walk around with broken legs because... Fuck. This is nerve-wracking, right? Fuck. This is nerve-wracking, right?

So 50% of orangutans walk around with broken bones because they fall from fucking trees. So if you wonder why a president walks around with a limp... So I take antidepressants. Anyone else on that game? My Lexapro, Lexabroze? Okay. Prozac, Brozax? Fuck no.

All right. So one side effect of Lexapro is that you overproduce sperm. Another side effect of Lexapro is that you have suicidal thinking. So I made a... Wow. Heck yeah. How you doing, buddy? Are you okay?

Do I recognize you from the hit show Battlefish? Nice. Battlefish? Yeah, I'm obsessed with it. It's on Netflix. You gotta watch it.

Yeah, go ahead. I would like to take him back in time and rewrite that stand-up set. It is true. First time ever performing? Yeah.

Talking to the microphone. Yes. Congratulations. There you go. There's the goat of the first time. Thank you. Clearly, you drove straight here from Tampa Bay for this show.

Wichita, Kansas. Thank you. From where? Wichita. Wichita, Kansas. Yeah, two and a half hours south of here. Two and a half hours south. Was that your first time saying the word orangutans?

Yes. Oh, yeah. I practiced it and messed it up every single time. Well, the orangutan doesn't fall far from the tree. Thank you. Are you on Lexapro? Is that what you said? Yes, yes.

Your set was more Lexo amateur. There it is. Thank you. So what do you take Lexapro? Is that what you said? Yes. Your set was more Lexo amateur. There it is. Thank you. So what do you take Lexapro for? You know, just the regular classic depression, anxiety. Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. You know, the hits. Yep. Yeah.

Uh-huh. How long have you been... You probably heard it before. I feel like every time I say it, it's a broken record. How old are you? 26. 26. You don't look a day over 43.

That's beautiful. Thank you. You're just absolutely perfect. Thank you. You look like you lead the straight pride parade. Anyway, what do you do for work? I am an analyst at a construction company. An animalist?

Analyst. Analyst. Okay, I thought, oh, that's why he did all those fucking horrible animal jokes. He's an animalist. Yeah. You're an analyst where? At a construction company. Oh, okay.

Yeah. What are you analyzing? You just cat calling women as they walk by? Hey, yo, bubby. Yeah. Go ahead. What are you analyzing uh you just cat calling women as they walk by hey yo bubby yeah go ahead what are you analyzing uh money basically and how people spend it yeah wow i know so interesting you were one of my favorite characters on bloodline i can't believe you're doing this good for yourself only two people will get it but they'll love it the fucking drunk brother he also always had a can of michelob Ultra in his hand throughout the

entire show. Bloodline? Is that the right show from Netflix? Yeah, right? It's been a while. What was that? Yes. Thank you, sir. Very good. So, fuck yeah. So you do that. How long have you been on the Lexapro for? I feel like this is an interview with a psychiatrist.

Two years. Uh-huh. Well, maybe it is an interview with a psychiatrist, you motherfucker. You want to talk about Lexapro, I want to talk about it too. So two years. Let me ask you this. Did you go through a breakup about two and a half, three years ago? Strange. Yeah.

Yeah. You did. Wow. This is almost like an interview with a psychiatrist. Piece of shit. I could solve all your fucking problems, dude. I told you, I'm a broken record. Who wants to give this guy an extreme makeover tonight, huh?

All right, we need scissors, a razor, shaving cream, and a dirty, dirty whore. Anyway. When's the last time you've been on a date? What year is it? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. How'd it go?

I broke up with her. You broke up with her on the first date. Very good. It's like, you know what? I don't know if I was on a first date. I think we should see other people right now. Why'd you break up? Just wasn't into it.

Had other things to do. You had other things to do? Is that what you just said? Yeah. Like what? I just bought a Porsche and I'm telling fucking everyone. The car? Yeah.

Oh, nice. Good for you. Thanks. I'm renting it out on Turo, which is like Airbnb for cars, so there's my shameless plug. So you got a Porsche and you're renting it out. Does somebody have it right now? No. Can I just say I don't think you're allowed to

brag that you have a Porsche if you're actively renting it out to people? I bought this really expensive thing that I can't afford, so I rent it to other people. Oh my god. Why would you want to do that? Why would you want to take your brand new car and just let other people fuck in it and stuff? Yeah, that's

what the car is used for. It's fuckmobile. That's what seat covers are for. Seat covers. So you take a nice new Porsche and you put fucking plastic all over it. Do you have plastic seat covers? Really? Is it really plastic seat covers? I'd be so pissed if I rented a Porsche

and had to sit on a fucking trash bag. I know. Just like, oh man, I rented this for a date. Now I'm going to have to break up with her tonight after this. They're nice and spill resistant, so we're okay. How many times have you rented it out since you bought it? No, this happened three weeks ago, so we're still in the renovation phase.

Renovation? Yeah. Oh, what kind of renovations are we going through? Putting it on Lexapro? Yeah, basically. Yeah. Man. Any fun facts that we should know about you that are interesting about you?

You know, like any hobbies or anything like that? Snowboard. He looks like a fun waiter at Red Lobster. You do. You actually do. Can I have some more cheddar biscuits, please? Let me ask you this. This is what I sort of find interesting about this interview.

Let's talk a little bit more about this chick that broke your heart two and a half years ago shall we uh so it's been that long she left you yeah right yeah and it just sort of left you high and dry right she already had another guy it was a trainer or something like that or a boss at work my close not really now but she did have another guy already, and that broke your heart. You felt like you'll never recover. Do you do anything to try to help yourself other than take Lexapro? Do you do anything

to help your heart and your mind? Do you think you'll ever fall in love like you were with her again? Honest question. The more honest your answer, the better that this interview is going to go. Do you think that you'll fall in love with someone that much again as

of right now? We all know the answer, but we're interested to know what you think right now. Do you ever think you'll love someone as much as you loved her? No. Beautiful answer. You nailed it. That's because I kind of just like have given up on it because like I'm single, I'm doing my thing,

and I'm happier than I've ever been. You know what? If you're happier than you've ever been, then that's all that fucking matters. Keep renovating that Porsche. I'm telling you, if you ever see a guy driving around in a Porsche vigorously masturbating,

you can say you saw him here on Kill Tony. Which is why my book about the side effects of Lexapro will be called Ropes. Oh, you really wanted to finish that joke, huh? That's a shame. You should have just gotten out with

everybody clapping. They were loving you. Yeah, you just fucked yourself. You're like, wait till they get the end of this joke. Oh, man. I had to try it. In an alternate timeline, that joke killed. Yeah. He tried to go back to the future, Doc.

What do you think about that? How about another hand? He got it started tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Craig Compton, everybody. And like that, we are going. He's Quazy Craig on Twitter. C-W like that, we are going. He's Quazy Craig on Twitter. C-W-A-Z-Y.

Quazy Craig. I bet his girlfriend's so much happier now, though, his ex-girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Heck, yeah. She's just taking Jayhawk cock 24-7. Just the starting fives. Running the triangle offense on her beat-up pussy. Anyway.

All right, pull another name out of the bucket and make some noise for your next comedian, Jeff Kelly. Jeff Kelly, everyone. Here we go. Here he comes. He's got a good stride, solid and steady. Arms up in the air. He's excited about this. He thinks the stage is walking to him.

Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. One more time for Jeff Kelly, everybody. Hey! I, uh, I'm getting old, and it's not, I don't like it. It sucks. I sometimes, well, not sometimes, but every day I wake up in the morning

and I go in the bathroom and take showers and stuff like we do, and I look in the mirror and I go, holy fucking shit, dude. Why is it that you can move everything on your body with your brain, except for your penis? And I tried, and I was like, man, my legs work, and my arms work, and my head works, and my neck works, and everything. But like, nothing.

Sucks getting old. Know what I mean? Oh! Wow. Look at that. 58 seconds of suspense and you nail it at the end. Just slam dunk it with a hard and all mean.

Fuck yeah, Jeff Kelly. Absolutely. How long have you been coaching soccer at prisons for? Two seasons. I like your style, Jeff. First time doing stand-up? are at prisons for. Two seasons? Hell yeah. I like your style, Jeff. First time doing stand-up?

First time. How about a hand for Jeff, Callie? It's his first time. There's the goat. It's good to know that here on Kill Tony, we even give angry stepdads a chance to... Am I right? You are a stepdad.

Am I correct? Former stepdad. Wow. You're so good you fucking left honorable discharge over here oh no he killed the kids how are you a uh you got divorced from the uh the lady that you're with i um i've managed to navigate my way through life never getting married and never having kids but you did date a woman that had kids for a while? Oh, absolutely. Lots and lots. Lots and lots of them.

It's fucking horrible. Heck yeah. It's the hardest thing ever. You can't love somebody else's kids automatically. And they go, this is yours now. And I'm like, nah. You have a new joke, my friend. That's how it goes.

That's why I'm here, brother. It goes, I've never been married. I've dated women that have had kids. And what I've learned is you can't love someone else's kids. That's hilarious. You said it, you son of a bitch. You don't even know what's funny. And then you throw, at the end of that, you just go, no, man.

And the place goes crazy. As soon as I can't be on this stage, I'm writing that shit down. Absolutely. Heck yeah, with one hand tied behind your back, obviously. Yeah, what the fuck? You crossing your fingers? You're not going to write that down, are you? Jeff, tell us more about you.

What do you do? I bake barbecue in Kansas City. You make barbecue in Kansas City. What kind of, is it a place that you'd like to mention or give a shout out to? I don't want to start a gang war or anything like that.

You're doing a little dry rub right now, it seems, in your pants. Sorry. It's okay. My bad. Barbecue jokes, everybody. We're in motherfucking Kansas. Oh, the spotlights went on for a barbecue reference. The only thing I can tell you is that I work at the best barbecue restaurant in Kansas City.

Why don't you drop its name right now? Good and Hard. I mean, you can. I mean, I don't know. This guy's in fear for his job right now. No, it's not weird. All these people all live in Kansas. You'd be giving it a big plug.

It's a free promotion. I smoked the meats at Joe's Kansas City Barbecue. This is why I fucking said... Look at that guy, standing ovation. It seems like Doc Brown knows about your barbecue joint. Fuck yeah, dude. Heck yeah. Wow, you're in charge of smoking the meat, huh?

You're welcome. Wow. Guess whose dick I'm sucking after the show tonight. Heck yeah. Suck that soft old dick Fuck yeah You can't get hard anymore Is that true Jeff? No it's not true

You're just having trouble with it Oh you need to visit the doctor I don't have Isn't it weird that it gets harder Yet it doesn't get harder at the same time? Sometimes it just depends on... Describe the saddest it's ever looked. Has it ever just gone between your legs

like a dog when it gets scared or something like that? Does it go the other direction? Every day. Every day. No, just kidding. No, Everything's fine. I was just making a joke. Sure, we know how those go for you. It's awesome. If anybody wants to try it, it's fine. Does the carpet ever match the drapes? Small and bald down below?

Whoa! I think so. What else, Jeff? What do you like to do for fun when you're not smoking meats? I, uh... You seem like the kind of guy that go-karts backwards or something like that. Go-karts backwards? I do.

I have a club, actually, that we do go-karts backwards. Okay, Jeff, just answer the question honestly. This guy's trying to learn improv right now, live, in front of everybody. Get back to the week, Dick! Yes, Tony.

Actually, it's funny you mention that. I do race go-karts backwards. I have a club that does that. I don't really do anything fun, man. I just work too much, and it sucks. You work too much? How about after work? What do you do after work?

What's the... Drink. Yeah, you drink a lot? Drink with your crew? Yeah. I like to drink beer and whiskey. Beer and whiskey. I like to smoke marijuana. Oh my God, what the fuck's happening?

You smoke a lot of pot? You've been doing that a while? It's not legal here, correct? Not a while, actually. I'm a new smoker. I've only been smoking for about three months. The fuck is that talking? Shut the fuck up, whoever that is.

There's an open hand slap policy for anyone you see just randomly talking loud on this show. I'm not very entertaining, so I get it. Just feel free to turn around. A little open hand smack. It's okay. Permissible. So, Jeff, how old are you? I'm 45.

I'm old as fuck. No, I'm mean. Is stand-up something you've always wanted to do? No. I love stand-up comedy, man. I always have. When I was a little kid living in Olathe, Kansas, When I was a little kid living in Olathe, Kansas, going to the store to get an Eddie Murphy raw VHS when I was like 14.

Yeah. And the people had to call my mom. God, you really are old as fuck. I know. What the fuck? All right. Well, Jeff, I'll tell you this, is that you're a fucking local legend. Not really. Yeah.

The place went crazy when you said what you've been doing, what you've been putting your life to. Seems like you're really great at... It's the other way. There you go.

Fuck yeah, Jeff. And it was great to have you on. Fun times, dude. There he goes, Jeff Kelly, everybody. Hell yeah. He's giving fist bumps.

That doesn't really work here, but... That's not the right song. Yeah, he's giving fist bumps. That doesn't really work here, but... My paradise. That's not the right song. Back from that... Okay. My friend. Step back from that ledge, my

friend. Step back from that ledge, my little friend. Little Kansas while in Kansas. How about that, huh? Dust in the wind.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Carlton Kinley. Here we go. Double K, Carlton Kinley. There he is on the left. He's got a nice stride, a nice steady pace. Feels good out here. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad? I present to you Carlton Kinley. What up, Lawrence? God damn, the Granada. Me too. I had my first concert here. I was sitting right fucking there. Actually, I was standing for a band called Mastodon. They are a, there we go, a couple people that were at that show. I can smell it from here. Actually, that was one of the first times I'd ever gotten an eye infection. The

bassist, I believe, he was playing right above me, and I literally watched a piece of sweat fall from his beard, hit me directly in the eye, and I didn't go to school for the rest of the week, so was kind of sick but tons of memories every time I smell this place I come back here and see shows all the time I'm a former alumni of the University of Kansas got the tattoo right here got that at three in the morning on spring break so I was definitely in my right mind

that's actually a lie it's actually my name is Carlton Kinley, and I needed to get the third K in there somehow just to show my allegiance. Wow. Thank you. Wow, there you go. Carlton Kinley dropping a little racism there at the end, huh? Yeah. So, Carlton, grab that microphone. I've never seen a full-size premature baby before.

This is pretty exciting. You have an interesting head to you. You look like a very, very young... You look like a kindergarten state highway patrolman of some kind. He looks like that Snapchat filter that makes You look like a kindergarten state highway patrolman of some kind. He looks like that Snapchat filter that makes you look like a baby. He looks like the boss

baby actually grew up. It's interesting. Everyone on this show so far, I believe, has been wearing khaki shorts. Just like regular old fucking white people pants. Just get an old navy here or something? The hell else are you supposed to wear in June

in Kansas? This is what we do. It's hot. Fuck yeah. Carlton Kinley. First time doing stand-up? No, this is probably like my 15th time ever. Heck yeah, 15th time. There you go. Sure. Everybody also keeps their left hand in their pocket nervously.

Whoa, whoa, what the hell is that? Wait, what the hell is that? What the fuck was that? Let me see this. Oh, gosh. How much myoenergy, caffeine and B vitamins? They don't have that shit in LA. 18 servings in this bottle.

Why the fuck would you bring 18 servings of an energy drink? You never know. So you can put it in as vodka. Jesus Christ, dude. Get your life together. Oh, my God. Imagine if somebody just had 18 Red Bulls fall out of their pocket.

Oh, my God. That's basically what that is. Why do you carry so much portable energy around with you? You never know. No, you never know no you never know are you addicted to caffeine um no yeah no so like have you had any of that today um no actually i haven't you just keep 18 servings of you never know what like what are you talking about what do you use it for 15 servings so like what would servings. What would you use that for? Whenever you need a little pick-me-up, just spray a little in some water

and then boom, you're good to go. This guy's creepy. Spray some in water. Yeah, exactly. He's the fucking roofie king of KU. Hey girls, you need any energy? I thought Carlton was on Fresh Prince, not Cosby.

Ooh, that's powerful. Triple threat. His name's Carlton. How's that for you? You get a lot of Carlton jokes? That's the only joke. You must hate that because you're racist. Yeah. Is that it? That's KKK music, if you're

wondering. Carlton, tell us more about you. What do you do for work? So I actually work Yeah. Is that it? That's KKK music, if you're wondering. Oh, okay. Carlton, tell us more about you. What do you do for work? So I actually work at a local sandwich establishment called Pickleman's. Yikes. Not quite the same response as Joe's Barbecue or whatever it was. That's understandable. Tough act to follow, brother.

Yeah. So what do you do at the sandwich shop? Make sandwiches? Make sandwiches. I'm the manager shift leader on weekends, so kind of a big deal. Well, no one knows more about white bread than you, my friend. How long have you been working at the sandwich shop?

Two months, two and a half months. Wow, what did you do before that? I delivered furniture, so this was an upgrade because I'm not breaking my fucking back by the time I'm 30. Right, right. And, you know, it reversed your aging and your skull and everything, you know. So how long were you lugging furniture around for? Oh, about a year and a half.

One more question for you. Who holds a microphone like that? Did you see? Who does? Do you guys see this? Can you show the audience how you're holding that? I guess you can't really see. He has his index finger tucked under.

Show Jeremiah how weird that is, how you hold that microphone. That's strange. Do you have weird hands, Carlton? Is that how you masturbate? Do you tuck your index finger underneath? I don't know. I've never really thought about it. I'll give it a shot. Holds back the foreskin and his fingers. So Carlton...

Oh, God. Sometimes it takes me two or three seconds to realize what the fuck you're talking about. Redband! Are you cut? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Are you? Yeah. Oh, wow. Look at that. I'm not a fucking freak. Carlton, you've been working at a sandwich shop for a couple months. You have a girlfriend? I just went on a date either last night or two nights ago.

I don't remember. It was probably two nights ago if I don't remember. It was probably two nights ago, if you're still wondering when it was. You'd probably remember truly if it was really last night. So you went on a date two nights ago. What'd you do? Took her to dinner. Went to a little spot.

Where'd you find her at? Bumble. Uh-huh. Wow, so she picked you. That already says a lot about her. She has an open mind. She doesn't care about looks. You know what I mean?

She loves caffeine on the go. Yeah. So you met her on Bumble. You guys chatted it up a little bit. You're like, hey, what's up? You fucking like sandwiches and shit? Yep, that's how it went. What was your pickup line?

Yeah. Like after she messaged you. Yeah, did you make like a cute joke or something? Not really. She was like, you know, I usually don't make the first move, but since Bumble's making me do it, I will. And, you know, you're worth it or something like that.

Wow. Look at that. Damn. That's pretty fucking... How close... She said you were worth it? Something like that. How close was she to her profile pic? Was she... No, she's actually, she had just lost like 100 pounds, but she's Oh, yeah.

She's looking good now. Fuck yeah. Little something to hold on to. She looks like she's wearing cargo shorts too, huh? Fucking extra skin hanging. That's why you're wrapping between your fingers. You're taking stuff out of your pockets,

putting it in hers. She just lost 100 pounds. Heck yeah, and she talked about that over dinner. What did she have? And then throw up. Hopefully it's not breast cancer. She got her tits removed. Oh my god. Red band.

50 pound breast. 50 pound. Red band. Red band. 50-pound breast. That's awesome. 50 pounds. Red band, red band. No, before the date, I actually pissed her off because I made a comment like, hey, I couldn't imagine you with all that weight. And she was like, what the fuck? That's fucked up. Was her voice deeper than yours like that? Yeah, what's that?

What the fuck, bro? Yeah, I told her, I can't imagine her with all that weight. And she's like, what the fuck? She have a deep voice. You can't lose weight in your voice. Once you gain it, it stays that way forever. You can always tell a girl that used to be bigger, you know what I mean?

I just lost 100 pounds. I finally have my goal weight. What's your big fat person? So you went on the date. What'd she eat? She had a truffle burger. Oh, hell yeah. She got the fucking ring around

the stomach. That's what that is. That's when you can't stop being fat no matter what. It just never ends. She got the truffle burger. And that's how you know she used to fat no matter what. It just never ends. She got the truffle burger. That's how you know she used to be fat, because pigs love truffles. Truffle burger. How'd she lose the weight?

Did she do a diet, or did she just get an operation or something? I think just exercise and eating right. Well, why is she eating right? Yeah, a bunch of truffle burgers, and hanging out with telling sandwich guys that they're worth it. Fuck yeah, a bunch of truffle burgers and I'm hanging out with telling sandwich guys that they're worth it. You know, I don't normally do this, but I saw that you worked at a sandwich shop

and you're worth it. Anything else interesting about you, Carlton? Any fun hobbies? You definitely shoot guns sometimes, right? You had a dad in your life. Am I correct? Got a stepdad. They just bought guns, him and my mom.

Yep, I felt guns coming from you. I felt guns. I have not touched the guns yet. Looks like you're touching one right now, Carlton. I know. You have a little 22 millimeter. I kind of give off that school shooter vibe, so I think they're kind of hiding them from me.

Yeah, yeah. You seem like a cop. You look like an undercover cop right now. The cop that's taking it a little too seriously. Officer Benjamin Button is here to investigate. All right, Carlton. Well, we had some fun. I mean, you talked about real stuff.

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck happened during any part of that. You saw a show here. You got an eye infection. And look at you now. Now you're on stage looking like everybody else from Kansas. Carlton Kinley, everybody. He's on Twitter at Carlton D. Kinley.

Heck yeah. Did you end up hooking up with her that night, that date? Whoa, they've been sexting. Fuck yeah. Did you end up hooking up with her that night? That date? Whoa, they've been sexting. Fuck yeah. When was the last time you sexed, Tony? Did you ever use to sex? No, no.

I can't. No, are you kidding me? I would love to see that. Just like, hey, dot, dot, dot, dot. It's like people are just jerking off to the dots. It's the imagination now. Back in my day, you had to send sexting via email.

Email? I used to do letters. We didn't even have fucking computers. Wow, Jesus. Didn't know it was on a show with Shawshank Redemption over here. My God. I've been waiting for my babe to letter me back. It's been two years. I don't even think these letters are going out Dipping a feather in some ink Alright

I pulled another name out of the bucket You guys having fun out there, huh? This is how it's done Make some noise for your next comedian Nathan Reagan, everybody There's a Reagan here Which reminds me, the new Reagan and Watkins album, out now. Available on all platforms.

ReaganandWatkins.com Also available for sale after the show. Here comes a human being. Here comes a fucking human being. Man, is this better than a day at Worlds of Fun or what? Make some noise for Nathan

Reagan, everybody. So when I was 16, I was forced a day at Worlds of Fun or what? Make some noise for Nathan Reagan, everybody. So when I was 16, I was forced to shave my twig and berries for the first time, and I've kept them smooth ever since. So after 20 years, you start to learn some methodology behind the

best way to shave. So I'm here to share with you this pubic service announcement, which is pop a boner. Maintain the boner while you're shaving. It pulls the nuts up and smooths the sack so you can get a nice tight shave. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, Nathan, how do you keep the mentality? You have to be an army ranger to maintain a boner while you're shaving? I can solve that too. Disco porn.

So true 70s vintage porn is really hairy and really scary. And if that doesn't scare your stiffy straight, then I don't know what will. Godspeed. Heck yeah. Godspeed indeed. A lot of genital talk. That's Nathan Reagan, everybody. Fuck yeah. Left hand in the

pocket. Everybody here, what did you guys just find out about Atlantis Morse set out here or something? I fucking like your style, Nathan. You are the first person in the history of the show

to ever wear a kilt on their head. I don't know why I think that's so funny. But then from the back, it looks like that, but I see the front. It is a Bush beer hat. That is a real manly man's hat. You have a 311 t-shirt on.

Did you also come here in Doc Brown's DeLorean? No, I'm just kidding. I've always been a 311 fan. I was just going to say I have always been a 311 fan myself. You ever been on the cruise before? Nope. You should. You ever go to Omaha for 311 day?

I have, yeah. That's cool. I've always wanted to. I've been to New Orleans for 311 Day as well. Very fun. Yeah. Always fun. People are always weirded out by 311 fans, but then you ask them.

They've never seen them live. A fun fact that I've always done is ask someone who has seen them live if they like 311 or if they fell in love with 311 that day, and they tell you yes. That's exactly what happened to me. You saw them for the first time in Wichita, Kansas, and 20 times since. Yep. Point is, you can't see 311 without immediately being addicted to 311 afterwards. So be careful if you ever make that choice.

You could talk shit now, but don't go see him live. So let's talk about it, Nathan. First time doing stand-up? Yes, it is. Absolutely it is. All about the genitals. Talking about shaving young, keeping it shaved, virginity stuff or something like that. What do you do for work? I'm a goldsmith.

Wow, a goldsmith. Yeah. My goodness. What year is it? Yeah, what exactly does a goldsmith do? Jewelry designer. I set gemstones, size rings, repair jewelry, make jewelry. How do you get into that business?

Your dad did it. My grandfather and my father did it. Yeah, third generation. What year is this? You're saying my father and my grandfather before him did it. Third generation goldsmith. You guys competitive about it at all?

Both my dad and my grandfather are dead, so no. Oh. Oh. Well. I guess it's diamonds are forever, not gold. Right? My goodness.

Wow. Man. Do you fuck with diamonds also, like as a goldsmith? Oh, absolutely. So is there any truth to like these new diamonds that you cannot tell the difference at all between a real diamond and a... So I have equipment that tests that can show whether or not it's man-made. But yeah, ultimately it's the same. Yeah, it's the dumbest thing ever. Diamonds are pretty stupid.

Yeah. They're pretty valuable. You like blood diamonds? I prefer blood diamonds. If it's not, if the child wasn't killed, I don't set it. Right, right. I have blood in the middle of that diamond. You married?

I am, yep. How long have you been married for? Seven years, but she is my high school sweetheart as well, so we dated for quite some time. She's out there? Yeah, she is. Literally a real gold digger, everybody. We've never actually had an actual

gold digger. She's adorable. Look at her. Hell yeah. Look at that fucking sweet, sweet just fucking typical Kansas blonde fucking dirty, dirty girl. Anyway, so seven years. High school sweetheart. You were in high school seven years ago High school sweetheart.

You were in high school seven years ago. No, no, no. We dated for quite some time. She was in high school. Same age as me. She looks better than I, but same age. No, that's awesome. Is that the only girl you've ever been with? Oh, no.

No. Wow, you're a slutty middle school guy or something. How long were you guys separated for? Well, we went to college in separate states and then got back together after college. Heck yeah. Have you ever asked her how many black men she was with in college? You've never been to Kansas. What?

You've never been to Kansas, clearly. There's not a lot of black men options. There's not a lot of black men options? All I know is basketball about this place. We ship them in to play for the Jayhawks. Huh? We ship them in to play for the Jayhawks. We ship them in.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Just one Mexican lady giving the thumbs down on that. Everyone else is laughing and clapping. I love how all the non-whites stick up for one another. You know what I mean? Anyway, so what else, Nathan? You've been with her for seven years.

You guys have kids? No, no kids. No kids. Hell yeah. Is that okay? By choice, yes. We like to travel. By choice.

So do you pull out or do you finish inside of her? Oh, no, I pull out. You pull out. Where do you like to shoot your load? Wherever it's available. Across state lines. Heck yeah. You're such a Kansas guy, you blow all your loads in Missouri.

You know what I'm saying? Just fucking get over there. Heck yeah. So wherever is available, that's an interesting approach. Are you talking about on her or just like blankets and floor? Like what are we talking about here? I pretty much black out in just wherever it lands. Wow.

You black out. My goodness. I thought you had to ship those into a... All right. Well, Nathan, what do you like to do for fun? You got no kids. You've been banging the same chick for seven years. A lot longer, but yes.

We like to travel. We just got back from Vegas. Spent a week in Vegas. Oh, sweet. What did you do in Vegas? Anything cool? Jewelry show, actually. Went shopping for jewelry.

Oh, hell yeah. True story. I love that. Yeah. That's awesome. Indeed. Anything fun happen there? You get drunk?

Not really. A lot of work. But, yeah, we see all the new things in the industry. Did you lose any money? Oh, yeah. You gambled? What did you gamble on? I don't gamble a lot, but we play blackjack in some slots.

But for the most part, we enjoy Vegas outside of gambling. Right, right. What's new technology in jewelry? Is there a lot like square diamonds? Not necessarily technology, but there's endless amounts. Like you had mentioned man-made diamonds. That's brand new. Different what trends are hot right now might end up being hot in three years in Kansas,

so I have to keep track of. Like anklets? No, no anklets. You have a little bit of a fancy store. You make good money doing that? You in like Overland Park or something like that? No, I'mklets You have a little bit of a fancy store You make good money doing that You in like Overland Park or something like that No, I'm in Wichita Whoa, Wichita, damn

Dropping it like it's hot That might be the whitest thing ever Is a 311 shirt with Wichita written on the back It's a fucking game day shirt So WSU 311 shirt Wow, Washington State University? Wichita State University. Wichita State University. That's right. Wait, that's

their team name is the Shockers? It is, yeah. Wow. Hilarious. Get the fuck out of here. It's a shock of weed. I think this is the first time Brian and I have ever thought about dropping our Buckeye fandom before. Two guys from Ohio. Sorry, we're Wichita State fans.

Don't ask us why. We're dirt balls. It's a good backup team for you. Heck yeah. You ever put things in your wife's butt? No. Nothing ever? She's very anti that area.

Okay, red band. Come on. She's anti, have you tried it once and she's like never ever again? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So what did you do? You started with the pinky, ring finger, middle finger?

What? No, we just discussed it while we were in the heat of the battle. And it was turned down. And we never talked again. Hey, buddy, that's called rape. Heck yeah. He's a jewelry guy. So I was hoping maybe he would tell us

Like ten carrots or something like that You know Okie dokie again Sometimes you take chances After that did she bronze the sheets? Oh man Alright Nathan well I mean you did it tonight. You had your first time ever on stage,

and you fucking took it like a champ. You're really good at this whole interview process. You seem super comfortable up there. And fucking rock and roll, man. Have a great night. There he goes, Nathan Reagan. Topping cherries here tonight, people. This is the real deal.

Heck yeah. Rock and roll, buddy. I like that guy. I like that guy. What song was that? KC and JoJo. Ah, because of Kansas City. KC and JoJo.

Wow, look at that. How about a hand for the band tonight, everybody? Come on. Wow. look at that how about a hand for the band tonight everybody come on wow this is so cool i love that this happened this young man had uh signed up tonight and he actually made this bucket this is a guy that's been on this show actually twice before episodes in houston and aust Austin after he didn't get up and after driving from here all the way to Nashville once and Houston once and not getting

pulled out of the bucket. So here he is in his own hometown, ladies and gentlemen, Trey Thompson, everybody! Hell yeah! Oh, here he is! Oh, here he is. This girl saved my number in her phone as a clown emoji because I'm a comedian. She deleted my number after I asked

when she was going to throw her pie in my face. I had to use the women's restroom in an emergency What was the emergency? There was a fire It doesn't matter What matters is I was a gentleman I lifted the toilet seat up I didn't get any urine on the toilet at all

I pissed in the sink That look a gay man gives me After I tell him I'm straight Is the same look a gay man gives me after I tell him I'm straight is the same look a woman gives me after I tell her I'm straight. They're both just pretty disappointed. My dad gives me that look when I do stand-up comedy. I did that a lot quicker than I expected. Perfect. You got 58 seconds in.

Trey Thompson, everybody. Wow. Much better set than you've ever had before. It's been a couple years, right, since you've been on this show, so congratulations. Those were really good jokes right down the barrel. Look at you. You are so much fatter than you were two years ago.

Probably 35 more pounds. You are fat and very, very, very lesbian-y. I mean, more so than anyone. You might be the most lesbian-y thing ever. And we've had a lot of lesbians on this show. But I think you make them look like girly girls. And you look like just a bulldog. Look at you.

I mean, just look at the audience. Stop staring at me. Show them this fucking skull. Look at this. What is the decision with the perm on one side of your head? Yeah, what is that? You look like the brother and the sister from White Stripes made a baby. I do need a haircut.

You look like all the daughters of Roseanne after a makeover. You look like a fat Kansas poodle. You look like you rode too many rides at Worlds of Fun. Second Worlds of Fun reference? No?

All right. You look like you're excited because today is National Donut Day. It really is National Donut Day. The guy at the rental car place told me after he handed me back my, you know, you have to check out, you have to hand him the papers and your ID. He told me, he goes, by the way, you didn't hear it here but today's national donut day and i literally go without any hesitation i really i really went like what and he goes he goes you get a free donut at any 7-eleven or uh what's the other one? Whatever. Convenience store. But he was telling me literally like it's some dirty

secret that don't tell him the guy at the rental car drop off in Kansas airport told you. Trey, what the fuck's going on, man? How are you? How you been? Good? Great. Yeah. Great bucket, by the way, man. This is fantastic. Incredible.

I didn't make that who made it this art teacher that I'm talking to oh talking to the art teacher how many multicolored pencils can you fit in her vagina at once how many I want an answer

six seven I'm just kidding tell us about her where'd you meet her at? Art school? High school. Wait, what? We were both in high school together. Oh, wow. I thought she was your fucking art teacher for a second.

And she's like, you know, she's finding her realizing that she's a lesbian and she's like, look at this fucking bitch. Alright. So you went to high school with her and she became an art teacher and you became what appears to be

an art student so how did that happen did you guys start dating in high school no we were friends in high school she was actually kind of the one that got away right right right she got married and then I got with somebody right she of the one that got away right right right she got married and then i got with somebody right she's the one that got away and during that time you let yourself go so it all worked out you met back in the middle again heck yeah math so uh have you you said

you're talking with her you guys like having sex sex? Like what does that mean? No, not yet. No? What have you gotten to? How far have you gotten? Like making out. Just making out and booby grab? Maybe a finger? Yeah. Whoa.

Yeah, see? Wow. People love it. I didn't know you were good at finger painting. Heck yeah Wow But still no sex What's the deal with that? Have you brought it up?

How do you go from fingering to not having sex? It's not like I've fingered her yet You didn't feel her cauliflower thing in there? Oh you didn't Wait what? Cauliflower thing? What the fuck kind of growth? The thing on the top that feels like cauliflower.

We just lost two women just walked out. They're gonna go grab each other's cauliflower. Those two chicks must have weird cauliflower things in their pussies. Oh no, that's the girl with the open legs. I actually saw her pussy earlier. She's fine. She's good. There she goes. She's gotta pee.

She had a swollen vulva. Swollen cauliflower. From swollen She had a swollen vulva. Swollen cauliflower. From swollen vulva to swollen vulva. Back to Trey Thompson here. Now, Trey, you are originally from what part of town? Independence, Missouri. Independence, Missouri. Fuck yeah.

There's some real white trash out there tonight. And what do you do for work? I deliver pizzas. You deliver pizzas. Ah. Very suspicious. How often does the entire pie make it to the destination? Yeah, this seems very

suspicious. I haven't seen you in a while. You've gained a lot of weight. And now you're delivering pizzas. Where are you delivering these pizzas? Into your own mouth? You get free pizza, right? Every once in a while. Yeah, right.

You work for a chain or a... Domino's. Wow, jeez. Dropped it like it's nothing. I like Domino's. That's a good one. It's not delivery. It's garbage. Garbage. My goodness. What's not delivery. It's garbage. My goodness. What's the weirdest coincidence or incident that you saw at a house that you delivered the pizza to?

You ever have that naked girl answer the door with the Instagram? A strange person, an interaction, anything. Spit it out, kid. Come on. Think about it. You're delivering pizzas. You're out there, right? You got your fucking Subaru that you've always dreamed of, right?

You got the pizza in the hot box. There must be some time in the past two years of delivering pizzas that you knock on the door and something weird's on the other side or something like that. Just a drunk girl, but no, not anything really weird. Like a girl that's shit-faced and she's answering the door and I'm just handing her her pizza. You ever flirt with her in a porno or something like that?

You ever be like, uh, and let your hair be all silly and shit? Hey, you ever need anything extra on your pizza? No, I don't want to end up on anybody's cam show or Snapchat or something. I've seen like three videos of pizza delivery drivers No, I don't want to end up on anybody's cam show or Snapchat or something. Right.

Right. I've seen like three videos of pizza delivery drivers doing that. You wouldn't go for that? Wait, let's stop for a second here. I think Trey just accidentally said something that he didn't realize how silly it was. So you yourself have been watching cam videos Coincidentally three times On a porn site How many hundreds of hours of cam videos

Do you have to watch I've seen it happen three times in my cam video history No it's just like a video on a porn site I feel like you specifically search for pizza delivery porn Hell yeah he does In like five years I've only seen three of them. Pizza delivery, lesbian, lesbian, lesbian, scissor, scissor. Anyway, Trey, I've been making fun of the way you look,

but I mean, I really think it's cool, especially, you know, it's a weird time to look like the guy that started the Chernobyl meltdown, but I think it's a look that you carry well. Well, it's exciting. You know, you're one of the people that people can look back on. Do you remember the episodes that you were on?

207 and 208. 207 and 208, and we're at what, like 360-something or something like that. Well, that's cool. Well, there you go. You did it. Hey, yes, wait, let's check in with Doc Brown real quick. Yeah, I just want to say I liked his jokes,

and you can tell he's been doing it a while, and I appreciate him coming back and signing up for the show. Yeah, a fun fact about Trey is that this is one of the guys to where, you know, he introduced himself to me after one of my stand-up shows years ago at the comedy club formerly known as Sanford and Sons, which was a famous comedy club. Both of the owners, the two brothers that were the Sons,

have both passed away since then. They were two of the first guys to headline me years and years and years ago. Trey's one of those guys that... I got an applause break when you said the brothers died from Sanford and Sons.

Did you guys not like them or something? You guys hated the Stanford and Sons brothers? Listen, man, I'm not gonna be able to pay you till like... three months from now, alright? He really did. I'm gonna do some time at the top of the stand-up

show if that's okay with you. I know you brought a lot of people here to see you,. I'm going to do some time at the top of the stand-up show if that's okay with you. I know you brought a lot of people here to see you, but I'm going to do some jokes that I just found off the internet real quick, and then I'm going to do some cocaine real quick. Yeah, he really did. He really did. The last two times I worked that club, he literally asked me not to cash the check for a little while.

Wow. And if you're wondering how often that happens around the world, never. Never. Only here, Overland Park, Kansas, formerly known as Samford and Sons. But anyway, I met Trey back then. Had you even done stand-up at that point?

No, I had done it like twice when I was 19 and I told you that. And then you told me to start and I started. And look at you now. So far you have the set of the night. There he goes. Trey Thompson, everybody. See that? I made it about me in the end. I made it about how I

told him to start doing it again. You see how I did that? Amazing. Amazing. Now, what reference does that have? Tech 9! I love Oh. Now, what reference does that have? Tech N9ne. Whoa. Hey.

I love that. Okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Brad Winslow, everyone. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Here we go. Brad Winslow. This is an interesting one. I'm not seeing a lot of movement. It could be this guy who's really taking his time. Oh, it is. Wow.

Here he comes. He puts the slow in Brad Winslow. I'll tell you that. Here he is taking his time. Come on, one more time, good and loud for Brad Winslow. I work for Red Baron, so that Domino's guy, fuck you. But yeah, what's up, guys?

I just got married about a month and a half ago. And yeah, cheers to me. But I thought some shit would change, and it didn't. Like, my wife is still really, really lazy about cleaning stuff. She's tidy. She's not clean. So, like, the throw pillows, they're there every fucking day. They are there.

But the microwave is filthy. So to try to outlast her, I just, like, accepted that. And basically just started having, like like a cast iron microwave. It's interesting. So if you've never had General Tso's chicken tiki masala parmesan, it's good. Steak and potato chowder, not good. Not fucking good.

Fuck yeah. There he goes. Brad Winslow. I like that joke. I didn't think it got quite what it deserved, but I think the front end was a little bit long. First time doing stand-up? You know it. Fuck yeah. Very good.

First time. And again, it's that constant thing that we see where it's just a little bit too much header. By that point, we don't need all that information. You know what just a little bit too much header. By that point, we don't need all that information. You know what I mean? But it is good. You saved me having to ask you a lot of questions.

But at the same time, for that joke to work, you just got to say, I'm going to be honest. I live in a fucking dirty house. My microwave's got whatever. Straight into it. We live in a pretty clean apartment, but honestly, I threw myself off by trying to make sure I could screw with him about the Domino's stuff. And I was like, well, that's just perfect.

It's like, okay, so you do delivery pizza, and I'm like, store pizza. Right. And then I said that, and I went, oh, shit. I messed up my timing really bad. No, it was fine. It was fine. You know, we remember you as Littlefinger from Game of Thrones, and now here you are doing stand-up comedy in Kansas.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. You work for Red Baron. That's real. Yeah. I noticed that you froze during your set at one point. Red Baron. Yeah, what do you... By the way, a lot of people don't know this,

that's Red Baron's full name. He was named after frozen pizza, and he shortened it to Red Baron. And I was a German fighter. Yeah. It does sort of play for both of those. You're German, and you love frozen pizza.

I keep putting my hand in my pocket. It's okay. You guys can't help it. It's in the fucking water or something out here. So what do you do over at Red Baron? I'm a sales rep, so I just cover my territory, which is like Parkville, Leavenworth, Bonner Springs, over into like Mission, over in the park.

Is it hard to keep selling Red Barons? Are people like, there's better frozen pizzas, man. You're going to have to do better than that. What's your final pitch? Like, buy the fucking pizza or I slit your throat. Who the fuck said DiGiorno? Wow. You don't like DiGiorno?

Yeah, DiGiorno is like your N-word, right? Pretty close. You hear it, you're like, you can't say that. Is that your biggest competition? Like, what is DiGiorno? Well, yeah,word, right? Pretty close. You hear it. You're like, you can't say that. Is that your biggest competition? Like what is DiGiorno? Well, yeah. Nestle is a way bigger company than us. All right.

And DiGiorno is Nestle. But they just fired their entire, like their entire sales force. They're all done in August. Because apparently taking all the water out of the streams and everything and using, you know, convicts to make all their products, that wasn't profitable enough. So they went ahead and just... Wow, you're really passionate.

Yeah, he hates Nestle. My God. I've read Baron for life. Brand loyalty. He wants to take Nestle down quick. Yeah. No, it's not DiGiorno. It's not just them.

I mean... Who else is it? Let's talk more shit about pizza companies. I love this. Who here likes Palermo's? You're wrong. You're wrong. $7 for a thin crust pizza

one person can fucking eat? Why? Papa John's does better already. Why? Let me tell you something. You're the new pizza comedian, dude. You're more passionate about this than anything else. I fuck with Lunchables, guys. You immediately just turned into Jerry Seinfeld.

Like, you turned into, like, a natural comedian. Oh, you? You like that fucking pizza? Tell us more. What else do you got? What are your thoughts about fucking? What are those little pizzas? Those little tiny ones.

Yeah, the ones that are miniature ones. I used to be addicted to those when I was in high school. Do you guys mean Red Baron deep dish singles? What do you mean, Totino's? Yeah.

Yeah. Ask them. Say who out there likes Totino's and then talk shit. You mean the cardboard with seasoning on it? Good for you. Good for you. You should be proud. All right.

We'll have to hit the writer's room on it a couple times. But I like your passion. I love it. So you've been married a month and a half. 420. Yep. Wow. That's when you guys got married.

Yes, sir. 420 degrees? Crazy. Did you do that on purpose? No, it was just a Saturday. But I didn't gripe about it. Hell yeah. Do you even smoke pot?

Not much. Right. All right. Anymore. I mean, I have. What does your wife do? She works in admissions at Baker University. Baker University.

Wow. and admissions at Baker University. Baker University. Wow, it sounds like a college for sluts by the sound of who cheered for that. Cauliflower Girls. I've never thought about the 420 part into the Baker University until just now. That's lovely. My goodness. What do they specialize in there?

What's their thing? Pretty much online education. They don't have a lot of you know like campus students it's it's mostly for uh a lot of military people when they come back to do their you know their education gotcha stuff like that what uh how long you been with her um six years april 25th six years april 25th uh- years, April 25th. Uh-huh. Yeah. You ever cheat on her?

No. All right. Just checking. Guys, relax. She's a black belt, man. I like that. Whoa, she is? Yeah. Damn, look at you.

Red Baron with a black chick. I love it. No, black belt, not black chick. Oh, I thought you said she was black. I'm like, wow, that's like fucking. No, I belt, not black chick. Oh, I thought you said she was black. I'm like, wow, that's like fucking... No, I just don't want to die yet, man. I broke up with her after a year and a half because it was my longest

relationship, and basically I just got nervous, kind of got my own head and bailed out on that for like five days. What a pussy. You're like, yo, I haven't been in a relationship this long. It's too much for me. I need five days. I need five days to think about it and realize what I'm doing is retarded.

Essentially. But, yeah. And then, so, day one of that, I left, went back to my parents' house, hung out. And I came back the next day, and the stuffed dog that I had given her, because she couldn't be with her family's dog. And she loves our current dog more than me. Right. I know that. I'm in peace with that shit.

Yeah, of course. But I gave her a stuffed dog. Dog has a personality. No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. I'm just joking. I'm joking, Brad. I'm joking.

That dog cannot rant about every type of pizza in the world. So go ahead. What did she do with the stuffed dog? Well, when I came back home, I thought that the stuffed dog had been ripped up by the living dog and turns out it was from

my psychotic now wife. Wow. Yeah. So I wasn't going to leave that twice. So here I am. Is she here tonight? Yeah. Point her out. Wow. Heck yeah. That is not her. That is my buddy Joe.

She's at home. I was going to say, my eyes deceive me. That's a black belt? There's no way. It's a broken belt. She ate a lot of the pizza. A couple of them, yeah. She's at home. She likes comedy, but she doesn't like it the way that I like it.

And he does improv. She likes comedy. She doesn't like the way you do it. Did you run your minute by her? She said, what are you going to talk about? If you get a picture with a Rosie Perez accent for somebody. He ran her set by her, and she's like, that needs to go back in the oven a little bit longer.

Yeah, I mean, I mostly tell her about the jokes that I do, but yeah, I think I've told her this joke before. I mean, yeah. Are you going to do it again or is this a one-time thing? Well, I mean, I'm from Omaha, so I planned on following you guys.

Whoa, coming tomorrow. That's interesting. Born in Omaha, raised in Overland Park. If you could do me a favor. You've been to Omaha where we're going tomorrow. You're from Overland Park, right? Can you tell us something that you prefer about Omaha over Kansas before I let you go here? Can you tell us something that you think Omaha is much better at or superior at?

Really, the people is what I want to know the answer. What are the people in Omaha better at than these people here? They're better at avoiding potholes for sure. I mean, Omaha streets are dog shit. Jesus, Brad, I'm really setting you up. I'm giving you a beach ball here to really make a moment happen. I moved to Overland Park when I was five. So my extended family is all from

Omaha. I mean, I'm from Overland Park, so I don't have much intel. I guess they're better at football than KU, and if that makes you sad... You know what the fuck the scores are every year. How much money have we wasted? Oh my god.

They feed them Totino's. That's why. Oh, I like that. You turned it into a pizza thing in here. Fuck you guys. Stick to basketball. I went to KU. I understand. Let's go. What'd you graduate with a degree in? Red Baron? Didn't graduate. Hence why I worked for Red Baron.

Wow. Heck yeah. Alright. Well, Brad Winslow, your first time ever on stage, correct? We did it here. Heck yeah. Alright, well, Brad Winslow, your first time ever on stage, correct? And we did it here. Right here in Lawrence, Kansas. Brad Winslow. Brad Casey Wins. This guy loves Kansas

City. Kansas is so much fun tonight. And it's a pleasure to be here. All right. What's that? What's that Kansas City reference?

Huey Lewis, Power of Love. Oh, Huey Lewis from Kansas City. Not a lot of people know that. He was born and raised in Westport. That song is just in Back to the Future. I don't know. Is that real? No, it's not real. I made that up.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. Something in my gut is telling me we're close to having a moment here on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Adam McDonald, everyone. Adam McDonald. Here he comes. Straight from the fifth row.

Shortwalk. Easy breezy. One more time, good and loud, for Adam McDonald, everyone. Woo! What's up, Lawrence? So I got a quick story for you. First off, shout out to my boy Trey. You were fucking awesome. All right, so my sister graduated from college with one of her best friends,

and her best friend went to work for Fox Film Company. And while she was there, she was working in their payroll department in the accounting. And a bunch of people there were having a lot of problems with their payroll. They weren't getting paid, or they were getting paid a couple days late. So instead of emailing the head guy, who was named Tim Jew, a lot of people were emailing her instead. And so she was getting a little annoyed at this, and so she decided to send out a mass email to all of Fox Films,

telling them if they were having problems with their payroll, to go email Tim Jew in accounting. Thanks to the magic of autocorrect, one little word got changed, and the next day, Fox Films woke up to an email saying, if you're having problems with your payroll, go talk to the Chiu in accounting. That might have flown a little better at Fox News,

but Fox Films didn't smile very much at it. Fuck yeah. Adam McDonald. I really didn't understand a lot of what you said. I have no idea what happened. I'm not going to lie to you. Maybe it's slight audio issues. You are a funny looking guy.

True. How long have you been pro-wrestling with your sexuality for? He looks like Pugsley went to summer camp. I mean, I think this is like, I mean, did we already use a, this is what boss baby grown up looks like on someone else? Can you believe it? My God, this is incredible. I mean, I've never seen a man of your size in those type of like penny

loafers before yeah i didn't know that was a thing that giant thank you it's like putting a penny on some railroad tracks right there yeah he crushes these smashes the penny like one of those festival machines yeah uh so let's talk about it adam i don't know what the fuck that story you told was Yeah what was that? What was that? I'm sorry maybe I just wasn't talking to the mic But essentially a friend of my sister's Worked at Fox Films

And people were What's the end of this story? She sent out a mass email telling people to go talk to The Jew in accounting instead of Tim Jew in accounting Say that one more time The guy working in accounting was named Tim Jew She accounting. Say that one more time. The guy working in accounting was named Tim Jew. She sent out an email telling him to talk to the Jew.

Was this with the hacked emails? Is this how you know about this? No, she just accidentally did a spelling mistake, right? Did she get in trouble for it? Oh, yeah. That actually happened to a major studio exec at

HBO or something, but it wasn't at all a spelling error. She meant to insult a race of people at one point. I'm not going to name her name because she still runs certain things in show business, and I'm really, really, really smart. So, Adam, let's talk about it. Why are you wearing such a little amount of clothes today?

We're talking no socks, you got the shorts from your fucking 7th grade football practice. And from the neck to the waist, you look like you just escaped from some gay prison. It's hot out there. It's fucking hot out, that's it. You're a big boy.

What are we? Six, three? Six, five. Six, five. What? Two? 300 pounds. 300 flat.

Wow. That's incredible. And by flat, I'm not talking about your chest. Big areolas. Yeah. So, Adam, what do you do for a living? Well, I've been in the Army Infantry for five and a half years. Army Infantry?

In the National Guard, yeah. Wow, holy shit. And then I'm also working at Firestone Automotive. Also working at what? Firestone Automotive. Firestone Automotive, hell yeah. Fucking working with tires. Why did that get a bigger response than the National Guard?

Yeah, it's crazy. For obvious reasons. But you were in the Army before the National Guard? Is that what I got out of that? No, it's just the National Guard for five and a half years. Oh, okay. Have you ever gone anywhere? Have you ever been deployed? Have they ever used you as a raft or anything like that?

No, I was deployed to Qatar for all of 2017 as part of Operation Enduring Freedom. Wow. That's incredible. That's great. Operation Freedom. Another fun fact, I. It's great. Operation Freedom. Another fun fact, I was also deployed in the Ferguson riots. You were also deployed in what? The Ferguson riots.

Oh, the Ferguson riots. Wow. What side were you on? The side that didn't get to do anything fun. Wow. All right. Well, that's interesting. Strange answer.

Adam, are you big into sports or anything? Like, I don't understand. You're a big fucking guy. I used to be really big into basketball. Never played much football, but when I was about 15, I started boxing. Did that until I was 17, and then just kind of stopped sports. Didn't you just win the heavyweight championship a few days ago? I'm a little too white for that. Heck yeah.

Well, what else, Adam? You have a girlfriend? Not right now, no. What happened to the last one? Last one, it was a mutual breakup. We just kind of outgrew it. Yeah, you've outgrown everything. I definitely outgrew it. Outgrown your shorts, your shirt, and your ex-girlfriend.

Wow. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies? What do you do? You fucking just push kids over? Uh, no. After work, I go to the gym, and then on the weekends with my buddies, I like to sing. I'm a pretty good singer.

What the fuck are you talking about? What's a song that you like to sing? If you go do karaoke, what's your jam? No one knows what it's like to be the bad man to be the sad man behind blue eyes Scream?

I didn't say it right. I also like to do long range shooting with my friends in the army. You do a lot of shooting. Heck yeah. What are we talking about? Shooting yogurt straight into your veins? Yep. My goodness. No, long range shooting.

Like long range. Thousand yard shooting. Tight groups. Trying to practice. Right. Did you ever kill anyone when you were in Qatar? No peaceful country. Security force work only. Hold on. Wait a second. Doc Brown

seems as though he's gone back to a different part of the show. I think he's trying to... To be the fat man. To be the fat man. Behind us. All right, very good.

He learned it that fast. So you didn't shoot anyone because what? No, we were just securing horses. No one knows what it's like to be the fat man. All right, got it. No, we were in just security forces No one knows what it's like Okay, dog To be the fat man Alright, got it, like 20 times To be the fat man

Alright To be the one with no independent show God, what the fuck happened? What is happening? I don't even know what's happening Yeah How many of you hate Adam McDonald now? I don't even know what's happening. How many of you hate Adam McDonald now? Adam, give these people a reason to like you.

Tell them something. I mean, this is the only guy that's served your country that's been on stage tonight. And it seems as though they've turned on you out of nowhere. Nah, man, I'm just a Midwest kid. Likes to have some fun. No one knows what it's like to sell tires

all the time. They hate it when you jump in. I can feel it. Adam, you don't really think you can sing, do you? Definitely not. 100% not. I'm just fucking around right now.

You are built like Adele, but you just don't have the same pipes. All right, Adam. Well, I'm going to get you out of here. It was fun to meet you. You are a big fucking adorable guy. I have no idea what the fuck you said. You really have to focus on you have to hear yourself when you're up here.

You have to listen. Make sure that it sounds like when you hear through your ears that it sounds like that you can hear you. Because if you can't hear you, then other people might not be able to hear you either. Thank you. Make some noise for Adam McDonald, everybody. Named after clearly his favorite restaurant, McDonald's.

Ring, ding, dong. A-ring-a-ding-a-ding-ding-dong. Ring, ding, dong. A ring, a ding, a ding, ding, dong. Hey, keep their heads ringing. Hopefully get a girl pulled up. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe one of these crazy...

Oh, maybe this is one. Put your hands together for Catfish John. Catfish John. Here we go. Catfish John. Oh, okay. Here we go. This is exciting. Here he is. Catfish John, everybody.

What up? So I got 12 stitches on December 12th of 2012. So fuck 12. I was in the hospital visiting my grandfather, and I fainted. I cut the tile with my head. And a nurse ran in and said, what happened? My grandpa looked at the nurse and said, my grandson was talking back,

so I slapped him. Then, and so my grandmother was a baby when H.G. Wells did the reading of War of the Worlds on the radio. And her parents decided to go to her aunt and uncle's house so they gathered up everything and they left

and they left the baby there. Did you get the baby? I thought you got the baby. I have one more thing to say and I forgot. Heck yeah. You forgot. A ring. Don. Catfish John.

So you forgot a joke there? Yeah, I think it'll come up as soon as I get on stage. You don't look like you would ever forget anything ever. Your keys, your wallet, anything. He looks like a hippie that was forced to serve in Vietnam. It's true. Catfish John, you look like you smoke pot out of car mufflers. If you got it loaded, I'll hit it.

So you really would? You would smoke out of a car muffler if we loaded it up and kicked it up? On or off a car? What's the weirdest thing that you've ever smoked? DMT. Wow. How did that go for you? What did you see yourself?

I've done it a few times, so I've seen a few things. One time I saw a lion spinning like a tumbler that I was inside of. It was full of geometric patterns and shit. Wow. Did you break through all the way, you think? Or did you just kind of... It's hard to say, so probably not. Lion just fucking spinning you around, sort of.

Not over a fire or anything like that. Just sort of being weird. Just fucking spinning you around sort of. Not over a fire or anything like that. Just sort of being weird. Just fucking spinning you around. No. I did break through one time and I had like two different entities talking to me. But they both were saying fuck you on an endless loop and it made me really scared to ever

smoke DMT again. Yeah. And that was the last time you smoked DMT. Fuck you. No. Then I did the thing with the lion. The lion was after that, yeah. I love it. Heck yeah. Gotta chase that dragon.

Were the two people telling you fuck you perhaps your parents? No. No. You close with your parents? What's that? Probably, that's a no. If you didn't hear me, then the answer is no.

Do you know, I saw the other day in California, they have DMT vape pens now, where you just have like a disposable vape pen. And he's gone. Catfish John is gone. He has left the stage. I gotta go to California right now. Heck yeah. That was the joke that I just made.

So, Catfish, what do you do for work? What golf course do you tend the greens at? What disc golf course do you mow? There's a few of them where I'm from. I work as a machinist, though. I make parts on industrial machines. Look at you. You're like Christian Bale Bonds.

He's a machinist. The movie. He was the star of the movie. How did you get the name Catfish John? Good question. I got really drunk and I gave myself that nickname. It's a song and it's about yes, I wanted you to play this song. Thank you.

You assumed that Red Band was going to play that song. Thank you. You thought that... Catfish John is a hobo by the river your mother warned you about, and that's me. Do you live by the river? Try to. You try to? I try to stay there as often as I can. That's your squad goals?

It's got... What is that? It's a catfish. Oh, those are catfish Heck yeah You seem like you've probably catfished everyone you've ever went on a date with Oh, shit So, catfish When you say that you try to live by the river

Do you have an apartment? Do you have a stable living situation? I have a house, yeah Your own house? Two-car garage Your own house? Two-car garage. Two-car garage. Your own house. I'm so lucky. I rent, yeah. Oh, you rent.

Well, that's all good. That's okay. That's a pretty big house? Three-bedroom. Three-bedroom. Two-car garage. All to yourself. Me and my lady. Oh, how long have you been with her? Eight years. Wow. Catfish found himself a little whale, huh?

Yeah, I haven't really catfished anybody in a very long time. Right. Where'd you meet her at? Church. Church. Oh, that's what you call Grateful Dead concerts, right? Yes, I have called them that. Dude, just here to fucking worship my God, dude.

All hail Jerry Garcia. Hell yeah. So you were actually at church? Yeah, my father is a United Methodist minister. Wow. Whoa, you're a letdown. Do you still go to church? You should meet my brother.

Do you still go to church? No. No, so you're out of it. Heck yeah. Since I was old enough to smoke DMT. Maybe you should stop worshiping DMT and start worshiping G.O.D., huh? Wow, Doc Brown trying to pitch some religion over here. You're the first guy I've ever heard of, Catfish, to go to church, get pussy, and never go back.

It's incredible. It's pretty close to how it happened, yeah. Wow. So you guys met at church. You hook up pretty fast? No, it took a while. I had to ask her out. Like three days later?

Three or four times. She kept turning me down. I kept coming back. And then you resurrected the relationship? Yes. Yeah. So the first date, where'd you guys go? Oh, shit.

To church. What'd you say? Homecoming. Homecoming. She's right. It's also the first time I smoked weed, so it's easily that I forgot that. Wow. You know what I mean?

That's incredible. My God. She's here. She just yelled out homecoming to remind you? Yeah, that's her. Is she a hippie also? A little hippie? Yeah.

Mostly. I like to assume so. Uh-huh. Have to ask her. Here's her. Have you guys ever had the talk, like you get one cheat guy, you know, like if Brad Pitt was here, you get to sleep with him. Have you ever had that talk with your girl? And who is your girl's guy?

And just to let you know, she whispered something into the black guy's ear sitting next to her when Red Band said the word cheat. They look like you are. And now they're doing the hand over the mouth laugh over at it. So for a city that likes to brag about how they don't have black guys fucking their women, I'd just like to say that... Who would be your girl, though?

If you were allowed to cheat one time. You know what I'm talking about. We had this conversation a long time ago, and it was mostly joking about celebrities and shit. Right. Who was your girl? I think I said Kate Upton at the time. Kate Upton.

And you remember what hers was? No. You don't remember. What is it, sweetheart? Yell it out. Justin Timberlake. That's a good one. Fuck, I don't believe that for a second.

Fucking bullshit. That's a lie. Who's yours, Tony? Do you have one? Justin Timberlake. Anyway. Wow. So, Catfish, what is the like, if you had to guess, because you seem like you have a lot going on, right? You have a real job. You're a stoner, right? You're sort of a hippie. You're, you live in this area. You're from this area, right? I'm from Springfield, Missouri. It's like three hours away.

Right. So that's like sort of the middle of nowhere, right? Sort of. Sort of the middle of nowhere, right? Sort of. So if you had to give us an example of something that would be the white trashiest thing about you, what would that be? Is there something that... I'll tell you mine, right? One of mine is that my mom, basically, because I didn't have a dad living in the house that I lived in growing up, she would just buy me 24 packs of Pepsi

and just let me drink all the Pepsi I wanted as a kid. Your turn. My white trash thing comes in 24 packs also. My favorite beer is PBR. Wow. Look at that. Blue Ribbon. Award winning.

And how about anything else? Anything else about you or your childhood or anything like that? I really wanted to do one thing. It's why I signed up. I wanted to juggle on stage. I brought some juggles. Oh, juggles.

Really? Play some fucking juggle music, dude. Here we go. This guy knows how to fucking juggle. He's juggling hacky sacks. This might be the most stoner thing I've ever seen. He's juggling hacky sacks, ladies and gentlemen. He's wearing a tie-dye shirt.

He's the seventh guy on stage with cargo shorts. He's got a ponytail, a goatee, and he's juggling hacky sacks. My God, that is incredible. Hacky Sacks. My God, that is incredible. Catfish John. Those are real Hacky Sacks. Am I correct?

These are real Hacky Sacks. Oh, wow. I haven't seen one in so long. Oh, now I see why they call you Catfish. Fuck. That is so fucking cool. You don't want to know where they've been? No. I think I know.

They've been in your pocket, Catfish. I'll tell you, I fucking love that you brought Hacky Sex up here to juggle in case you got called. I wish more people sometimes would perhaps think ahead, like what the fuck? Do I have any talent? So clearly you've listened to this show before. You're a fan. You had

fun up here tonight? We're gonna keep it moving. There he goes, Catfish John, everybody. All right, I mean... You guys want to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? One more time. Let's pick out a girl. Let's see what happens here. Let's just see what happens. Easy.

Yeah, kitty cat. Kitty cat. Come on. My cutoff there is swollen. Come on. I can't get over Hillary's loss in the presidential election. We need equality. Help us, please.

Oh, we're so equal, but we need extra help. Oh, just help us. Come on, but we're the same. But we need you to do something for us. Oh, God loves us all the same. Zach Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, look at this. Front middle, Zach Thomas. Heck yeah. Wow, he's going Price is Right style.

Oh yeah. He's very excited. That's what we should have. We should have the audience dress up in costumes and shit. That'd be great. Hey, we could do it. We have actually,

it's funny you mention that. We have a big announcement coming up as soon as Monday that we might actually. Hey, Zach Thomas, everybody. Come on. Hello, hello. So I'm short, you know, kind of fat, you know, so I just pull pussy like crazy, you know.

My whole life I grew up trying to extreme sports to get girls. I thought, what can I get girls? You know, I play guitar, I rode motocross, you know, but I finally figured out what girls like. It's tall guys. Fuck! The one that got away, I always have, oh, the girl that got away. Yeah, she got away to a tall fucking guy. I like to pee outside.

I like to pee in my yard a lot. And the other day I was in my yard, my robe open, just, you know, getting it, peeing. And I heard this, you know, and I look over and my neighbor John comes out and I just, hey John. And that's all I got.

So your neighbor John walked in on you peeing? I was in my backyard, my robe just, boomom letting the dogs pee. It's my favorite thing. And you peed too? Yeah. So you're peeing and your neighbor John was a catfish John by any chance?

It was not. I wish it was. No it wasn't. Well what did he say? You said that's all I got. You literally took us like halfway through. You literally went to commercial 50 seconds into your set. We just we made eye contact and he didn't look away and I thought, well, my dick's

out. So I just was like, hey, John. And we both just looked away. But you were still peeing, right? I was. See, I think this story went a little bit differently than the way you're telling it. I think you're peeing. You guys make eye contact. You're surprised that he locks eye contact.

You can't stop locking eye contact either. He comes, lays down underneath your piss stream. Am I correct about this? Yeah. All right. We only have so much time until you turn into a fat werewolf all the way. True.

Let's do this, Zach. You've done stand-up comedy before. Never. First time. Really? Wow. My goodness. You seem do this, Zach. You've done stand-up comedy before. Never. First time. Really? Wow. My goodness. You seem so into that set.

The way that you delivered it made me think that you've done stand-up before, but looking back at how you wrote your material, no, I really do believe that was your first set. Yeah. No substance. That's very cool. So congratulations. Thank you. Is this something you've always wanted to do?

It is, yeah. Yeah. What do you do for work? I work on motorcycles. Yeah? Independently. What do you do? Are you a professional kickstand?

Yes. No, I'm a motorcycle technician. Wow. Yeah. Finally, a type of vehicle that you can reach all the parts of. Yeah, you just lift them up. He's very short for you podcast listeners. What are you, 5'3"?

Four on a good day, huh? No, it's not a good day today. You're not bullshitting me. You really 5'3"? I don't know, probably. Yeah, you are. That's what guys that are 5'3". No, I don't know.

You know what I mean? Never even measured myself once in my entire life. What the fuck? Think about it every day, write jokes about it. I have no idea what my height is. Fuck you, Zach. Are you allowed to ride all the rides at Worlds of Fun?

No. Yes. The three banger. I can't order Whoppers either. Oh, can't order Whoppers. Got tiny hands. Jesus, don't do that. Don't do that, Zach.

Whatever that was. I won't do that again. You ever do like musicals or theater or anything like that? You ever been on a stage before? No. Really? Yeah, I'm just really animated like this regularly. Yeah.

And what else are you animated about? You have any hobbies or anything fun that you do? Is there anything silly about you? Can you juggle some hacky sacks perhaps? I cannot do that, dude. Good one. I cannot do that. I play guitar. I work on motorcycles, trucks.

I'm building a truck right now in my garage. Tonka. Real low so I can get in it. You son of a bitch. You got it too. It's a new thing. People telling me why I made the joke that I made. There you go. Yep.

Fun fact. I actually, as a kid, another fun fact about me, I once rode a Tonka truck. You know those little yellow fucking Tonka trucks? I was so tiny that I used to scoop my butt around on the fucking Tonka truck. And I once went down an entire set of basement stairs, and I have a massive scar underneath my chin from it. Tore my fucking chin up. Riding a Tonka truck down basement stairs because I'm fucking rock and roll, dude.

You know what I mean? Since I was fucking three years old. My fucking poor single mom felt so bad. Imagine that. You walk downstairs and your kid's bleeding everywhere. You didn't fucking watch him ride a Tonka truck down the basement stairs. Anyway, back to you,

Zach, you fucking little goddamn just fucking... What kind of truck are you building? It's a 1976 Chevy Love. Oh, cool. Mini truck. Chevy Love? Yeah. It's lime green. My God. Look look at you i've never seen a human that reminds me of a travel neck pillow before but there's something about you you look so puffy

and like soft yeah uh-huh yeah uh zach any other fun facts about you have any weird uh deformities from birth or anything like that? I have 11 ribs instead of 12. Is that true? That is true. You know, I found out. You ate one of your ribs? Yes! Exactly. He does that. He fist bumps in his shed when you make fun of him. Wow!

So you could do the Marilyn Manson suck your own dick thing. That's right. You mean the formerly known as Marilyn Manson, now known as Brian Redband suck your own dick thing? Woo! These people all know. They do.

No, I mean, you can probably. Have you ever tried it? I've got this baby here. Will you try it right now? Redband's done it before. Will you try it right now? Redband's done it before. Will you try it right now on this stage? You guys want to see this guy? He's not actually going to do it. He's just going to try to

flex over and now... What do you do? I don't know. You try multiple ways. There's one way. Okay, that way definitely wouldn't work. There you go. Come on, make some noise for Zach, everybody. Well, there you go. You obviously can't do that. Unless his dick is taller than he is. I don't think he can do it.

But great try, Zach. I gave it all I had. But the question is, can your dick suck you? Very good question. Anyway, well, Zach, it was nice to meet you. It's good that we popped another cherry up here. There you go, Zach Thomas, everybody. Alright, you know, what do you guys think?

Do we find a woman and end the show on a woman, huh? Or should I be a bad guy and end it right now? Alright. We're gonna find a woman. I'm gonna keep pulling it until we find a woman. Sorry to Luke. Sorry to John. Sorry

to Jeffrey. Yeah, it hurts. Brandon, you didn't make it. God doesn't love you. Ryan, you fucked up. Jolson's a dude for sure. How about, is JoJo a guy or a girl? Sit back down. Kellen is a man's name.

Will, you didn't fucking do it. Parker, no way, right? Dakota? That's a... It goes both ways, right? Dakota? Dakota Schultz? Is that a boy? It's a guy. Sit back down. Look at that.

He looks like everybody else that was on tonight. Tim A. Perhaps that was Tim Allen. Gary Murphy. He sounds boring as fuck. Dan Christian. Wow, maybe it's going to be one of those nights where there's no women. Evan, let's just go through it the right way here.

TJ. Billy. Oh, Billy. We know Billy. Billy is the brother of our good friend Curtis from the LA Comedy Store. Mark. JJ. Wesley. Who was that? the brother of our good friend Curtis from the LA Comedy Store. Mark, JJ,

Wesley. Who was that? Oh, I got one. I found one. This is definitely a woman. The one that fucking fell. Thank goodness I noticed that. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. Did we have fun here tonight or what?

Live. The first ever true Midwest. Real Midwest Kill Tony. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night, Claire Anderson everybody. Wow. I believe that's her. She does not seem excited

to be pulled out of the bucket. Long pause, a head shake no, and a slow stroll. Here we go. I wish that was Claire Anderson. Why can't that be Claire Anderson going that way? It can be after a couple months of DiGiorno.

DiGiorno. Come on, everybody. It's your final comedian of the night, Claire Anderson. Jesus Christ. Okay. So my mother abandoned me when I was four. Try to act like

it doesn't bother me, but it's always in the back of my head. Like recently, I dyed my hair blonde and a co-worker yelled across the break room, Hey Claire, I like your new hair. You got that desperately seeking Susan vibes going on, which was apparently a Madonna movie reference, but I didn't get it because I was paralyzed by the fact that my co-worker somehow knew that my mother's name was Susan and she didn't love me. So the other half of my family that I do know

They're kind of white trash, as am I I've got this autistic cousin Some of you look a little uncomfortable Yeah, I get it, I get it That's how I feel when I interact with him, too Fuck yeah! That was great! interact with him too. Fuck yeah. That was great.

That was fucking great, Claire Anderson. You've done stand-up comedy before. No. Wow, that's incredible. You had one of the best sets of the night. Your first time ever. Congratulations. An extremely well executed joke

That got its own stand alone applause break That's mind boggling How long have you been preparing for this minute? Like two days Fuck yeah Look at that Really what sold it is just crisp eye contact Delivery

I really felt like you had done this before. I thought that maybe your hesitation of coming up here when I called your name was like, I don't want, you know. It was terror. Wow, that's so exciting. You fucking, you performed tonight like a person who was abandoned by their mom at the age of four.

You know what I mean? That's what it takes. Thanks, Susan. Hell yeah. Who's Neil? You have fuck Neil on your shirt. What is it? She was a good friend of ours that passed away a few years ago. Oh, wow.

Wow. Fuck that bitch. Yeah, I guess so. That's awesome. What a way to pay tribute. By the way, I think we finally found out who wears the pants in this city. Our first pair of pants tonight. Unbelievable. What? pants tonight. Unbelievable.

What? Pants. Comedians' usual mandatory uniform. We had a lot of khaki shorts up here tonight. It took Claire Anderson to break the trend. Imagine what the Tinder is like. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, the poor ladies out here have to deal with all these fucking cargo shorts

and shit like that. Exactly. And all the guys have to deal with these swamp pussies. You know what I mean? Just fucking pant wearing. Fucking. I'm just kidding. You don't have a swampy. No, I couldn't fucking. I can't handle it. I can't handle it. I think I smell

catfish John again. So Claire, fucking amazing set. I mean, this was incredible. Tell us more about you. What do you do for work? You work at a rock and roll venue or you're a bartender or something like that? I'm a full-time graphic designer. Graphic designer.

That's cool. What kind of graphics are you designing? I mean, I do a lot of, like, band posters and shit, but I work for non-profits. That's cool. What kind of graphics are you designing? I mean, I do a lot of, like, band posters and shit, but I work for non-profits. That's great. Go feminism. Very cool. Heck yeah. You a fan of Keltoni or a boyfriend or something is?

What are we talking about? I'm a fan. I'm single. Yeah. That's so cool. That's not advert. I'm not looking. You're not what?

I'm not looking for anything. Oh, you're single. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's not advert. I'm not looking. You're not what? I'm not looking for anything. Oh, you're single. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's so cool. How long have you been single for? Three years. Wow.

Is there a reason why? Yeah, the dating pool is fucking dog shit. Damn. It's been three years. Yeah, that's right. You broke up with that guy three years ago. He got on Lexapro and he started the show. What a way to bookend this whole thing.

This is her, right? Right now he's like, fuck, and she had a better set than me? He's the one that wanted to end his joke with the hanging thing, right? I think there's a lot of storylines matching up here. He might kill himself. Hell yeah, it is. Claire, have you ever broken a guy's heart before? I mean, probably.

That means hell yeah. Probably. That's adorable. Man, what do you do for fun? Any fun hobbies of yours or anything? You seem like you'd be in a roller derby or something like that. Roller derby. No, I kind of turned my hobby into a job,

so now I just kind of drink and try to... Heck yeah. What's your drink of choice? Tequila. Miller Lite. Wow. Miller Lite. Everybody likes beer here.

I don't really get that. Not even like great beer, like just the shittiest, cheapest beer. So weird. Michelob Ultra, Pabst Blue Rib, and Miller Lite. It's like, wow, you guys just. I drink the Miller High Life because it's low on carbs. I don't know what the other chubby dudes are doing with their drink of choice.

Wow, look at you, the champagne of beer. Take that, you fat idiots. Have you tried to ever, maybe vodka? You know, that's lower on calories. Yeah, I do the vodka sodas, but it's not very fun. Can't be one of the guys. Have you tried water with a lot of energy in it before?

There's a guy with 18 servings of energy here. Has anybody ever told you you look like Anna Faris if she managed a Hot Topic? Thank you. That is true. I played the saxophone for eight years. He can't do it.

It's not the same. Jeremiah is weird about his reads, people. He can't do it. He cannot do it. There will never be a sax off. Jeremiah has put it into, it has been, it is put in a vault. He refuses no matter perhaps where the show, no matter what part of the show,

no matter what city, no matter if it was the first ever place he saw a concert at. I mean, I've asked a lot of times. He wouldn't even let any of us. He's never let anyone else play his saxophone. You didn't bring a mouthpiece and a reed with you, did you? I thought about bringing my own mouthpiece. Wow, that's fucking crazy. I wouldn't do that. You're't bring a mouthpiece and a reed with you, did you? I thought about bringing my own mouthpiece. Wow, that's fucking crazy.

I wouldn't do that, you know? You're back in your hometown. Well, perhaps instead to end the show, Claire, you could try to suck your own dick. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yeah, Claire. That's so fun. Have you ever squirted before? Oh, God. Red band. You can't just do that.

Oh, wait. Wait a second. Wow. She's got an answer. She's giving us the finger. There's a couple dudes who think I have, but I definitely just peed in their bed. Yay! Booyah! And that is why she is not playing my

saxophone. She's disgusting! Disgusting. My goodness. I fucking love that. Because that's what girls do, right? When a guy says, oh, I've always wanted to make a girl squirt. You think I could make you squirt?

And you're like, yeah, I mean, you could try. Let me drink some fucking water first, you idiot. I'll do whatever it takes for you to fucking be happy, right? Or you black out and who knows? Yeah, I fucking like that. It's not a rape joke. No, no, I know, I know. You can't squirt while getting raped.

Everyone knows that. That's like impossible. Absolutely. We've all tried a great many times. It just can't happen. It's not rape if you squirt. It's true, it's true. Even if it rape if you squirt. It's true. Even if it was rape, it's no longer

rape immediately. I'm so glad my family can see me shine tonight. There are, I believe, 16 members of the Watkins family here tonight. They all work at the museum across the street. Yeah, the Watkins Museum of History. Not a lot of people know that's named after Jeremiah Watkins family here tonight. They all work at the museum across the street. Yeah, the Watkins Museum of History. Not a lot of people know that's named after Jeremiah Watkins.

Is that true? No. Yeah, when you walk inside, it's just a bunch of... Noses. Just a pile of them on the floor. Heck yeah. Well, Claire, I'm going to be honest with you. I think you had one of the best sets of the night.

You came out. You told your story. You told truths. And you fucking stayed in the pocket. Very impressive. How about one more time good and loud for Claire Anderson? And that is Lawrence, Kansas, Kill Tony for the first time ever. How about another hand for the band Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

My goodness. Claire, next time we come to town, bring a saxophone and we'll give you an automatic spot. How about that? So next time we're in Kansas, we'll have a sax off after all. She wins nothing if she beats him. You watched him. It only took him four minutes to learn behind blue

eyes earlier while the show was going on. 15 seconds, bitch. The new Reagan Watkins album is out now. Feminist Stacey shirts are on for sale after the show. We're all signing posters afterwards. ReaganWatkins.com for the album. Jeremiah Stand Up on social media.

Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Anything else? Yes, my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this Monday is Pete Holmes. Wow. Heck yeah. Look who came and crashed your show. And I'd like to thank my family for coming out to kill Tony for the first and last time tonight.

Yeah, right. Those Watkins, they're wild. I love those people. I'm staying at Jeremiah's mom's house tonight. She made me a little brick. What's that? You're damn motherfucking right we are. How about a hand for Mrs. Watkins?

She made me dinner. She made a little fucking thing for my birthday. It was so nice to come here, land after a long flight, and feel at home, have a nice home-cooked meal and a nice fucking cozy place to stay at. What else? I feel like I'm missing something. Oh, we didn't do that one thing.

I guess we'll do that tomorrow. Heck, yeah. Can't do it now. Ray, I'm going to have Death Squad pins after that glow-in-the-dark and stuff also. That's right. And the Ryan J. Bell poster for sale. We'll see you guys outside, right outside that door. Make sure you form a line.

Whatever you do, don't just swamp the table. Just make a line and we'll get through it smoother and faster than if you all swarm us at once. Thank you so much for coming out. We love you. Thank you. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございましたまたね you