KILL TONY - KILL TONY #359 - OMAHA

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/08/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website deathsquad.tv There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions

of the show. Also, if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live at the Comedy Store every Monday. Also, we are in the middle of this huge tour. This week, we're going to be in Appleton, Wisconsin, Milwaukee. By the way, Milwaukee, you need to step up. You guys are barely buying tickets. You're the only city in this tour that we're having problems with. So if you live in Milwaukee or your friends live in Milwaukee, get them out there June 12th. Also, June 13th, we'll be in Chicago. Then we're in Madison, Minneapolis.

Then we're back at the Comedy Store. Then we're in New York at Poughkeepsie. And then we're in New York, and we finish it up in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. Go to DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates for tickets and info also tony hinchcliffe has his own website tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything golden pony ryan j ebelt the house artist his website's ryanjebelt.com get your books and prints and posters at ryanjebelt.com

last but not least the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe can be found at shopsquad.tv. There we have a couple Kill Tony shirts left. We have some Death Squad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the waiting room in Omaha, Nebraska. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for the birthday boy, Tony Hitchcliffe. Omaha, make some fucking noise!

That's right. It's my motherfucking birthday, and I'm stuck in Omaha! Brian Redband is here. This is very exciting. This is our first ever Kill Tony in Omaha. And our last ever. No, I'm kidding. It's good to be here. This is great. This is very exciting.

We had some special Omaha buckets made for us, which is very fun. Some amazing artwork. And I kept this in here. This one here, which I turned into my champagne bucket for the night. Since the venue. How about the waiting room, huh? What a cool place. Very cool.

They bought me a little bottle of champagne for my birthday. I don't even drink champagne, but tonight I'm going to get drunk, like Sex and the City style or something. You don't even have a glass. What are you going to drink that out of? I'm drinking it straight out of a fucking bottle. Omaha style-y. I'm going to say right now, this bucket here, which is beautiful,

and it says Omaha's Kill Tony on it, was made by Ryan Hawkinson, and he has a company called Three Little Pigs Omaha. We tried some of your candy bacon, sir. First I sniffed it, and then I tongued it, and then I bit, and then I ate the rest of the fucking bag.

It's fucking delicious, man. Unbelievable. I googled it very fast then I bit, and then I ate the rest of the fucking bag. It's fucking delicious, man. Unbelievable. I Googled it very fast right before I came on stage because after eating the bag and realizing that the flavor was OG. What is it? OG gangster. I thought OG. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah.

Because I ate the whole fucking bag. I'm like, if this is pot, candied bacon, I am fucked right now. What the fuck? Luckily, it's just all natural grass fed fucking pig bacon. You know what I mean? Candied and delicious. So check that out. Three little pigs candied bacon.

Amazing. Yeah, that's good shit. This bucket made by Jonathan Riggle Art. Thank you very much. A lot of pride here in Omaha. This one is very unorthodox. Just the infinite CBD logo with sort of like a creepy face in it. That's crazy.

Neither one of us have green eyes. I don't know who that is. Perhaps it's the Iron Patriot under there, something like that. A throwback to a different time. It's cool. You got the Infinite CBD thing on there. I love Infinite CBD. You know, it's funny you mention that because I love infinite CBD

too. I was a fan of regular marijuana for a long time, which I still partake in. You know what I mean? All the time. Anyway, but then I started using some of these amazing CBD products.

They have gummy bears. They have lotions. They have just drops that you could put in your drinks. And the cool thing about CBD is it's mostly legal everywhere. Is it legal here? Okay, cool. There you go. CBD is legal all around the country, Brian. Yeah, but you know what they're trying to do.

It's been on the news a little lately about CBD. What the hell? Some woman got arrested at like disney world okay worst cbd ad read ever uh get arrested at disney world with your kids watching jesus christ we have to start over might as well just abandon that we won't tell them that time stamp go to infinite cbd.com use the promo code code Tony15. Save 15%. You guys like CBD, right? It's pretty good. Fuck yeah.

We're on stop number two of this leg of the tour. This is Omaha, Nebraska. This is very exciting. Tomorrow night we go to Des Moines, Iowa. Then we go back to Los Angeles for one night only for basically what we could consider easily the six-year anniversary of Kill Tony. Appleton, Wisconsin on Tuesday. Milwaukee after that. Milwaukee is embarrassing themselves.

By the way, if you're wondering who bought more tickets so far, Omaha showed up more than Milwaukee did. I mean, amazing. By two. Yeah, Milwaukee. If you don't buy tickets now, you're going to become a running joke for the rest of this show. We're going to just make fun of Milwaukee.

Never go there again. Chicago, Illinois almost sold out at Thalia Hall. Madison, Wisconsin. Minneapolis, I think, has sold out. Poughkeepsie, New York. And then we added a show on June 20th at the Gramercy Theater in New York, New York. That's a big show for us. Selling out the Gramercy Theater twice on a Thursday is a really big accomplishment.

So let's finish that off, NYC. CavemanCoffeeCo.com. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15%. Go to visit our friends over at Rockin' Pins. They make great pins. There's a new death squad. Yeah, I brought one tonight to sell.

It glows in the dark. It's sweet. Yep. Which reminds me, the number one, you know, I'll get to that. Ryan J. Ebeld couldn't be here with us tonight. However, he did make a poster for this leg of the tour, which we are going to be signing for you if you get one after the show, if you buy one.

It's only $20, and we'll take a picture with you, sign your poster, shake your dirty Omaha hand, you know what I mean? Just go through the whole thing. I have a sanitizer, hand sanitizer, before you get to the table. That's how that works. Of course, as with all of these episodes, we're going guestless

tonight on the road. We don't bring a guest with us because it's impossible to bring someone to Omaha, Nebraska to sit here just to sit as a guest. If you're wondering, people just say no. I asked all of my friends. They all told me no to my face. A lot of them just laughed and ran away.

However, we do have the heart and soul of the band. And don't get it twisted. When I say heart and soul, I mean one person from the band is here. But he has the number one album on iTunes right now. You took the words right out of my mouth. His debut album, Reagan and Watkins, the self-titled album, is number one.

Came out yesterday. It is number one on Comedy iTunes right now. He's one of the funniest people in the world. Every single episode of this show, he plays a different character. I never know what he's going to be. He has a separate part of his green room blocked off back there and has been getting into character. He stays in character throughout the show.

Sometimes it's a brand-new character. Sometimes it's the return of one of his famous characters. He's one of the funniest people on the planet. He's number one on comedy iTunes right now, and he's here with you for his first time in Omaha, Nebraska. I present to you the great Jeremiah Watkins, the Kill Tony Band. Wow! This is epic! My goodness, for what I believe could only be the second or third time in the history of Kill Tony,

Donald Trump, President of the United States of America, is here! How are you idiots doing tonight? Wow, Mr. President. I can't believe out of all the cities why Omaha, Nebraska for Kill Tony? You know, I love the people here. So many white, beautiful faces here.

Absolutely tremendous showing of support. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my god, I love it. Look at his pouty lips. Mr. President is one of my favorite characters in the history of this show. I really was not expecting you tonight at all.

This is very... Well, it is your birthday, and you're one of my favorite top Young Rising comedians. Hey! You know what? That's why I voted for you twice in the last election. Got to get that absentee vote in Ohio out of there, too. You know what I mean?

Well, we have the president himself. Donald Trump is here. Red Band is here. That just means one last thing. This bucket made by our friends over at 3littlepigsomaha.com, was the one chosen for all the names to go into. We had a great turnout for names. How many of you signed up here tonight? How many of you?

You don't raise your hand, people. It's an audio podcast. You clap your hands. Fucking, ooh, you signed up? Ooh! I hope you get fucking pulled out. Yes, yes. I want to see that fucking retired NASCAR driver

get his ass up here. And by the way, there's a door right there. That's how you get on stage. You'll go through that door. It's the only way up here. Do not try to climb on the stage. Make your way over there and go through that door. It's filled with names. If I pull your name out of this bucket, that means you get 60 seconds

of stand-up comedy time on this stage. We interview you, talk with you a little bit after that, but you know your 60 seconds of uninterrupted time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry, the Max Bear. All right, okay, very good.

Is the Max the right reference for a... All right. Sure is. Hell yeah. Okay, you guys ready Is the Max the right reference for... All right. Sure is. Hell yeah. Okay, you guys ready to start this thing? It's the first ever Omaha Kill Tony. Alive. Let's fucking do it.

The president of the United motherfucking States of America. How exciting. All right, I pulled a name out. Your first comedian performing tonight. 60 seconds uninterrupted. There's no heckling, you crazy fucks. Put your hands together for Alex Vlock. Here he comes.

From the back right corner. Here he comes. Come on, one more time. Good and loud, Omaha. We're here. Alex Block. I find it really rude when women that are, well, screamers, don't warn a guy.

So the first time I had sex, I was 16 years old. And my girlfriend texted me, hey, I'm staying at my grandparents and they're already asleep. You want to come over? I was out hunting. I had to think about it for a second. It was a good night. But in the end, 16 year old, yeah, I did what I thought i was gonna do and i end up getting there and she gets in the truck she's wearing a robe this is the middle of december it is cold she says why don't we go somewhere that no one can hear us odd request i went with it Probably about 30 minutes later, it got to a point where, you know, teenagers do what they do. And we just kind of started going at it. But we didn't do it in the pickup.

We're in the box. Keep going, keep going. And she was a screamer. I really didn't know what was going on. But, okay, cool, I'm getting laid. And probably about five minutes later, I hear... She called in a fucking coyote. Wow.

All right. Alex Block. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Alex Block. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I love it, man. I love it. Was she screaming because you were raping her? I don't know.

I mean, we were both underage, so I guess it's statutory. Wow, I love it. Heck yeah. Mr. President. Yes, can I just say that was the oddest audiobook I've ever listened to. My God. So you were both 16 at the time in that? Yes. My goodness. And

you were hunting? I was when she texted me. Wow, that is the most Omaha shit I've ever heard of in my life. You know, just like the rest of you out hunting. You get the text. And then you have sex with a 16-year-old girl. Hey, I was 16 too.

I know. You look like the kind of guy that's going to try to have sex with 16-year-old girls your whole life. Actually, my girlfriend is nine years older than me. What? Why would you do that? Hard left hand in the pocket, by the way. This is something we noticed yesterday in Kansas.

It's a very Midwest thing. I know you won't find that funny because it's on you. But the rest of the listeners that heard yesterday's, we've gone left pocket still. There's something in the water. It's comfortable. Okay, relax. Fucking relax. Alright, last thing I want to do is end up in the bed of your truck tonight.

I'll be screaming too. I feel like they put their hands in the pocket because they're just so used to having like Hail Hitlers or something like that. Okay. Red band. Alright. I don't encourage that behavior at all. Yeah, you do.

So, Alex, first time ever doing stand-up? Yeah. Hell yeah. How about a hand for that, guys? The courage. The balls. The balls on this guy are so big that he's literally touching them with his left hand right now. So, Alex, tell us about you, man.

How old are you? 24. You're 24. Get the fuck... You look like George Lucas. He made Star Wars in the 70s. What the fuck do you mean you're 24? Nope.

Oh, my God. What do you do for a living where you sit behind a computer all day? Actually, I work in a factory, and I also go to school full time. You work at a computer factory? Kind of. They do electronics. Electronics. You're damn motherfucking right.

What kind of electronics? Resistors. Oh, wow. Jeez. You mean a lot like the girl that you fucked when you were 16? Hey, now. It has begun. I like this Tony character.

He makes me smile. So what do resistors do exactly? They can limit current so that you can do a whole bunch of different things. They're used as the sensor on every part of your engine. Wow, you're making all the pussies so wet right now. I can just hear them dripping. Alex, so what's your love life like now? You had sex when you were 16

in the bed of your truck. Now what? I've been dating a girl for seven months at this point. You did say that. Seven months. What does she do? She actually works at the same place but in the marketing department.

What's your approval rating like right now? Not as good as yours. Damn right. These parts. So how did this happen? You guys meet in the break room or something like that? You were there eating your little fucking cheese and turkey with mayo? Oh, he's laughing. I think

I'm right about that. I actually started as an intern in that office and uh wait you did or she did i did oh i was an engineering intern for quite a while and um when i left i we just started hanging out yeah you you just when you left yeah after i wasn't in the office anymore. Right. Who started it? You or her? It was kind of suggested to me by one of her friends. And it just...

After we hung out, it just kind of... We hit it off. Yeah, very interesting. I am rock hard right now. Alex, do you have some... You seem like the kind of guy that has a special trick in the bedroom or something like that. Is there something that you do?

Yes, it's called chloroform. Yeah. Four more years. Four more years. I feel like there's something you do. You know, you have like a finishing move in the bedroom, something that you think only you do, a secret of yours.

Come on, tell the truth. Basically, my policy is that... Your policy? Don't interrupt us. How dare you interrupt us? How dare you? He was just about to get to the fucking goods. Wait, wait, wait. Now I want

you to restart from where he interrupted you. I want you to say... What is your policy? Yes. I'm very curious. You know, I might have to debate you after this. You need to start it with the policy thing again. Go ahead, Alex. So my policy is that

you don't say no when you're getting laid. Unless it involves, you know, like, blood, whatever. You know, anything gross. What? Holy shit. This guy's afraid of a period. I never said I'm afraid.

It's just... So she puts things in your butt. Is that what you're trying to go at? If she really wanted to. Really? Hey, sex is sex, man. I'm at least getting laid. Wow.

So, like, what's something that you've done that you were hoping or thought maybe she would say no to, but you got away with it, or maybe something she's done to you in which you were like... Just the end, but you didn't want to finish it since we've heard your policy.

All right. Did she try to shove a puppy in your butt? Can I just say, I was not aware that they had gays in Nebraska. No, no, no. But I was handcuffed once. Whoa. To what, an ice cream truck?

All right. It doesn't even make any sense. Oh, he loves it. Look at that. Whoa. To what? An ice cream truck? Alright. It doesn't even make any sense. Oh, he loves it. Look at that. You like fat jokes, huh? They're adorable. I love it. We'd be best friends then, you and I. Man. So you don't say no. That is an interesting... That might be the rapiest policy

I've ever heard in my life. Hey, I like that. It's not rape if you like it. Come on. Wow. Is that what she said to you? Now that is a policy I can get behind. 98% of these people in this room right now

are pretty grossed out about that. But 2% I feel like are going to try to go to the bathroom when they see you go to the bathroom here. Some people are into that. But Alex, I'll tell you this, man. You came up. You had the courage to sign up. You came up here.

You stayed in the pocket. I'll tell you this. You know, obviously, same thing I tell almost everybody. You got to trim all that fat. You got to get to the goods. But the way you spoke, I was laughing. None of them work. But there were parts that I really enjoyed.

It was very down home and fucking like there was a real honest set. You know what I mean? Like an honest meal. You ever have an honest meal? You ever have an honest meal? You ever go to like a diner in the middle of the country? I'm actually trained how to cook professionally. So I really do a lot for myself instead.

Wow. You're Mexican. That's crazy. All right. there he goes. Alex Vlach, everybody. He's on Twitter at Vlach95. V-L-A-C-H-9-5. Look how big his hands look on that small sax.

Yeah, suck it, Bill Clinton. By the way, I think I noticed, was that a little 311 you were just playing on the saxophone? Yes, I was, Nebraska's finest. Yeah, I love it. I'm a big 311 fan. A little fun fact for you. They're best exports since corn.

The bass player, Peanut, and I are actually friends. And when he saw on a post on some social media thing that I said I was going to Omaha, he wrote out, he goes, enjoy Omaha. And I thought he was just being nice, but now I realize he was being hilarious. I'm kidding. We're having fun. Okay, this is a very fun name. I know a good fucking name when I'm kidding. We're having fun. Okay, this is a very fun name. I know a good fucking name when I see it. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Fat Dan.

Hey, here he comes. I love his style. There he goes. Fat Dan, everybody. He's coming. I'm excited about this. How about one more time for Fat Dan, everyone? Don't get too excited.

Honestly, I wish my name was Richard because it's long for dick. My neighbors think I have a huge dick, which isn't true. My girlfriend's just very vocal. So enough about me. Anyway. So my sister has this disease called cystic fibrosis. And here I go with the left hand. It caused her to have cirrhosis of the liver. But it's okay. She had a liver transplant. She's doing great now. The donor, not so well. He's not really there anymore. But it's okay. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Everything that that asshole did in his life

has been totally absolved. Now my sister's a crackhead. Last time I was on this stage, my band was playing this show. It was a scam by some promotion company to get money. Turns out Kill Tony did better. I paid $20 for my ticket,

and I got 60 seconds to tell you that's my time. That was pretty close. You were close. Everybody that's ever tried that has always failed. Let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Fat Dan, how are you, man?

I'm doing great, man. I have not been this nervous in a long time. Really? What was it? Your last checkup? No. No. That's a good one, though. I don't go to the doctor. I avoid that scare tactic. You don't go to the doctor? When's the last time you've been to a doctor?

I went for a tetanus shot when I cut myself at work. That was about six months ago. Wow, that's pretty good. You must have been pretty sad to cut yourself at work. That was about six months ago. Wow, that's pretty good. You must have been pretty sad to cut yourself at work. Yeah. Why would that be sad, Mr. President? He did it himself.

Also true, I guess I can't argue. What the fuck? How did you know that? Don't ask me how I know things and don't know things. I'm the president of the United States. All right. Let's get back to Fat Dan,

who's not as fat as I was hoping he was going to be, by the way. I mean, you signed up as Fat Dan. You're just as fat as everybody. In Omaha, you might as well just call yourself Regular Dan. I don't know. He looks like a wildling let himself go.

This really is a pretty big city, right? I mean, I've only been here literally for about two hours. I've already eaten an entire bag of candied bacon. Welcome to Omaha. What was that place again? I haven't been there. I need to try it.

Hold on. So Fat Dan, let's talk about it. First time ever doing stand-up? Yes. How about a hand for that? Come on. This is his first time ever doing stand-up. He has months to live, people.

Months to live. Come on, guys. Another round of applause for my last four months. All right. Everything you say is weird. Thanks. So Fat Dan, what do you do for work? He does this thing a lot where he goes from a smile to a straight face a lot.

Like that. Oh, all right. All right. Fat Dan, answer the question. I work maintenance at a retirement community. Whoa. Damn. You ever push an old lady out the window?

Yeah. No. I really want to sometimes, but no, I have not. Now, you said that the lady that you hooked up with was very vocal. Yes. Did you have all of your weight on top of her? Possibly. Then she wouldn't be vocal at all because she'd be crushed.

And you said your sister had cirrhosis of the liver. Correct. Got a little... Wow. So that's how loud the speakers here can be. Yeah. My God. Jesus, Brian.

Someone just died on a treadmill in a gym listening to this. Oh, my God. All right. So your sister... She had cystic fibrosis, which caused cirrhosis of the liver. Oh, gotcha. There you go. That's the magic word.

Cirrhosis of the liver. Cirrhosis of the liver. There's nothing I like more than a subdued air horn. Yeah. And now your sister's a crackhead? No, that part's made up. Oh, why? Well, she's on a whole bunch of pills and shit.

I don't know what she's on. She's not here in Omaha, so I'm not talking to her constantly. Phoenix, Arizona. Is that where you're from? No, I'm actually from here, basically. I grew up in a couple places, but from here. Yeah, what part of town? West O.

North, south? Anyone? Nope. Nope. Nobody here. Sorry. All these people from Omaha have never heard of where you're from before. Good.

What do you like to do for fun, Fat Dan? Me and my friends got a punk rock band. Really? A real punk rock band? What do you do in the band? I play guitar and a little bit of vocals. Yeah. Can you give us an example of a little bit of vocals that you might be able to do here tonight?

Here. You want some backup punk music or something? No. Okay, just go acapella then. I'll be there in the morning. I'll even be your knight. The one in shining armor. Then make sure you're all right.

Just let me be your bra. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard in the history of this show. I mean, that sounds just like normal, like if I asked a normal guy on the street to sing a song. I'm not very good. That's why it's punk rock.

I guess so. You are a one-man mosh pit, Fat Dan. That's also true. Heck yeah. Since you're from Nebraska, does anybody call you Big Red? No. Okay, just curious.

Good question, though. Heck yeah. This audience is very touch and go with the fat jokes. Mental note taken. 100% of the room has a fat relative, for sure. Anyone ever call you a candy corn husker before? No. Never been called that.

That's a damn shame. What is your favorite food, Fat Dan? Anybody ever call you Ed Sheeran after Chernobyl? Wait, wait. Mr. President, do you think people got fat after Chernobyl? That's how it works, isn't it?

Someone doesn't have an HBO subscription. I keep asking for the password. I can't get it. My God. Oh, wow. I mean, we're in a city where, I don't know. I like how you have the janitor keys on the front. Yeah, what are those keys for?

What kind of car do you have? Chevy S10. Whoa. Car keys and house keys. Wow. Right in the pocket. Look at that little weird laugh he does after he says that. He makes his face all squished together.

All right, tell us something else we'd be surprised to know about you, Fat Dan. Wait, what's the name of your punk band? The Shitty It's. Perfect. You fucking nailed it. I love it. Tell us something else we'd be surprised to know about you. I like to grow hot peppers hydroponically in my apartment.

Wow. What's the hottest pepper that you grow? Scotch bonnet. Okay. Okay. Damn. Did you bring any peppers here tonight? No. Damn.

I apologize. That is a damn shame. Have you ever had a ghost pepper? Have you ever gone for the Pepper X or anything like that? Ghost pepper, yeah. It's terrible. Don't do it. If somebody dares you to do it for money, do it.

But if not, don't. Yeah, I did the one chip challenge. I've done a few of those things. What's your favorite pepper, like your favorite tasting pepper? Habanero. If you chew habanero before the spice kicks in, it tastes like abracadabra. Well, yeah, if you're obese. Well, I mean, yeah, you're right.

Pepper is also the only doctor that Fat Dan has ever gone to. Also true. Well, Fat Dan has ever gone to. Also true. Well, Fat Dan, you got your first time out of the way. You did it here in your hometown. Yeah, just kind of curious. How did the name Fat Dan come along? Is it a nomenclature that you pronounced on yourself, or where did that come from?

My mother called me Dan, and then I got Fat, and then we called it Fat Dan. This guy's creative. He's got a great band called the Shidiots, guys. It's true, and he's on Twitter, at the fake Shidiot, S-H-I-D-I-O-T. There he goes, Fat Dan, everybody. Thanks again.

Happy birthday, Tony. Thank you very much. It'd be a lot happier of a birthday if you didn't eat my cake already. Aw, I think your cake is... What is that? It's by my good friend Kanye West. That's power.

Hey. It's Kanye's birthday also. That's right. June 8th. No one man can have all this power. Yes, he can. Holy shit. There's a person on Pure THC out in the audience.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. Triple C, Calvin, Charles, Calhout. Calhout? Calhout? Here he comes. You guys having fun yet? One more time for Calvin Charles Calhoun. So I'm glad to have a chance to tell you about myself.

I tried to sell dope. I wasn't worth a fuck at it. No business sense. I tried to sell dope. I wasn't worth a fuck at it. No business sense. I doubt I could have even sold Michael Jackson a subscription to Boy's Life. That's how bad I was. Went to a rough prison. Had a cellmate tell me he was raped the second day there.

Turned out he liked it, so he killed his son of a bitch for not doing it the first day. Okay. I hate the so-called euphemism Now, I'll use it in a couple phrases. N-word, please. Stop acting like an N-word. That's not really the reason why I hate it. Once I say N-word, it's in everybody's mind. Knucklehead.

Wow. All you white guys. That is amazing. Donald Trump, we're going to start with you on this one. Can I just say I think this comedian is going to be huge. Wow. Calvin Charles, I don't know where to to be huge. Wow. Calvin Charles, I don't know where to begin with you.

First of all, you came on stage with what seems to be, do each one of your boots weigh 100 pounds? What's happening? You seem like you're weighed down. Yeah, your posture is very weird. Are you a submariner or something? Did you get injured at a System of a Down concert in 91? Let's talk about it.

Your mechanic in a car fell on you at one period in time. Go ahead. Nice to meet you. First of all, welcome to the show, Calvin Charles. Calhoot? Calhoon? Hoot? Hoon?

Calvin Charles Calhoon. Very good, Calvin Charles. That's what I called myself when I was a little kid. I love it. Wow, three C's in your name, and your body is also shaped like a C. It is incredible. Can you explain to us, what are we seeing here, Calvin Charles? Is there a, you have a little bit of a, is there like a, is it a scoliosis or something?

No. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. That's good, because it's like, you know, a cop pulled me over the other day, saw me going in the car. He's like, I saw you walking kind of funny, having a hard time. And I started explaining to him like an old man, hip replacement. He's like, hey, I got to go. You could tell I was sober.

You know what I'm saying? Right, right. And if you start talking about all your infirmities, you know. No, I mean, it's okay. It's boring. No, it's not really boring. Okay, I'll make it more interesting. Yeah.

I was in solitary a couple times so long that when I got out, I looked exactly like a concentration camp survivor. Skin and bones and milky white. No sun. So I go to the doctor about a year ago. They said, you ain't got no vitamin D in you. They gave me massive doses of vitamin D. Maybe it's because I didn't get sun.

Wow. That's interesting as fuck. You were right. You fucking turned the tables. That's exactly the type of answer that I wanted. So let's get to the fucking goods, baby. I got more interesting things than that after I got out of prison, though. I love it.

All these interesting things come after your 60-second set. I'm quite surprised. And everything interesting about him starts with Cs, concentration camps, his name, lots of Cs, confinement. So what did you, first time in your life you went to prison or got in trouble, what was that for?

Well, as a juvenile, just... Everything. Let's talk about the good shit. I mean, now that I look at you, you seem like you've escaped from Alcatraz before. Has anybody said that you look like an old fetus? Has anybody ever told you that? Same shape as a fetus. Usually people are more polite than you, Donald Trump. Well, sorry.

I'm an asshole and I know it. So, Calvin Charles, first time you went to prison. What are we talking about here? First good charge. I mean, you know. Back in those days, it was like... Okay, shit. Let me rephrase the question.

What have you been to prison for? What's some of your biggest sentences? Well, the thing is, when you do a plea bargain, that's not usually what you're actually guilty of. Like in one case, I was guilty of a robbery, but I pled guilty to first-degree theft because that's a lesser charge. Right.

What did you rob that time? Do you remember? Oh, yeah. Electronic store? It was a liquor store. I used to hit time? Do you remember? Oh, yeah. Electronic store? It was a liquor store. I used to hit them. Can you explain? Would you do it with a weapon?

No, no. This is all very interesting to us. I hope you know that. How many of you are excited to find out more about this show? We love you. Calvin, I want you to be comfortable. I want you to trust me to run this interview for you. But I want to find out the good stuff.

This is more funny than that show Chernobyl that I've been watching on HBO lately. Chernobyl? Chernobyl. It's a Sonny and Cher documentary. How Sonny Bono, how he died, it's a whole thing. Chernobyl.

Oh. So, uh... You know, I've got dozens of prison stories, each one more incredible than the last. Let's just start. Let's just go back. The thing is, that's not what I'm about anymore. No, of course. But I'm just, we just need to, we just need some momentum.

Okay, okay, okay. We need some momentum. So, Calvin Charles, so would you rob the store with a weapon? No, no. Some of us called it tilt tapping. As soon as they open up the register you grab oh you do it so you just sort of go back there like give me give me all the money like i'm no no i don't say anything just like okay in this one case i've been doing

this for a while so i go in and i say uh give me a pack of marbles and she pulls them down and i'm figuring she's gonna open up the register like she does. But she didn't. So I go like this. Like, I'm getting ready to pull some money out. Maybe that'll get her to open it. She didn't. I had to step around the corner.

I've never had to do that before. Yeah. And open the register myself. I had to guess which button it was. Good luck. First button I hit. First button you hit. Look at that.

I figured it was in the corner. That's some badass shit. I love it. Anyway, I got it. It's a long story. I'm not interested in it, but if you are... You're the only person not interested in it. Yeah. I mean, we're so interested in this. I can't believe

that... I mean, this is like... But what about all the things that I've been doing lately? What are some of those? Let's cover some of those and then I'll decide if I want to go back to prison. That sounds fair, right? By the way, all the other comedians who signed up tonight, good luck. Calvin, you're killing it. I don't think you realize how likable and interesting you are.

So how long have I been doing stand-up? Sure, how long? First time ever. Yeah, when you started that clock. There you go, absolutely. Calvin Charles Calhoun, give him a hand time ever. Yeah, when you started that clock. There you go. Absolutely. Calvin Charles Calhoun. Give him a hand for that. He wants to do this his way. He's learned this from his many attorneys

over the years. I like the hairstyle. You have a very Gerber look. Yeah, you know what I do? Yeah, what? You're a barber. You're a barber. No, for fun. You never ask me what I do for fun. Okay, Jesus, I'm just getting started with you, for fun. You never ask me what I do for fun. Jesus, I'm just getting started with you.

Fucking Calvin. You listen to this show a lot? I just started a couple weeks ago. Heck yeah, when you got out. You were in Omaha and I'm from Sioux City. I love it. I shot down here. I love it. How far is Sioux City from here? How many people did you shoot on the way down here?

Mr. Trump. I'm sorry, get back to it. Mr. President. Calvin. I'm sorry. Get back to it. Mr. President. Calvin. I'm telling you right now, I don't like the way he's looking at you, Mr. President. I don't know where you kept the Secret Service tonight, but I'd take it easy on this guy. Calvin, how far is Sioux City from here?

An hour drive? Two hours drive? Well, usually it's just straight shot with the interstate, but there's been floods and we had a detour. It's a couple hours. A couple hours. Very cool. And what else have you been up to since your prison days that you that you wanted to mention or talk about well i quit drinking quit oh very cool very cool i love that how long how long you been sober for 95 wow that's amazing is it wow is there something that helps you that you leaned on or anything like that that you might want to mention? Well, I would go to prison and use it kind of like a sanitarium.

Right. You know. Right. Start exercising and studying. Oh, my God, I studied. What did you learn? What did you study? I started off like people think you go to prison and those guys are all smart.

They're dumb. They're all Jerry Springer watchers. They're retarded. They sin. Did you just say that everybody thinks that everybody that goes to prison is smart a lot of people think that but it's not true I've sent a lot of smart people to prison

but people think they're like in the movies like Shawshank Redemption smart they're not I mean those guys escaped from prison in Shawshank Redemption go ahead that's what I'm saying. That's pretty smart.

Yeah. So they're just knuckleheads in there. Beerbread knuckleheads. That reminds me of a question. You do know that knuckle begins with a K. That's what I was going to say. I knew there was going to say. I knew it. I knew there was going to be somebody like,

that's not the word. Hold the phone. That doesn't even start with an N. When you say someone, I'm pretty sure, again, 100% of this room, I would bet, thought that maybe for a second that you didn't know that it began with a K. You seemed so into it and passionate about it that like, and the whole setup was so bizarre

that we figured you could go anywhere with it. But there are a couple euphemisms I don't like and that's one of them. The other one is... Right, you just like to say the word all the way through from beginning to end. You don't like it when people... Alright. Heck yeah.

So Calvin, you've been out of prison since 95? You went back for a little bit. No. That was the last time I got arrested was 95 and I did about 10 years. Wow. 10 years for theft. No. That wasn't

a theft. That was a whole different thing. All right, good. We covered all the shit you wanted to talk about. Now here we go. What was the second one? That was my third felony conviction. Third felony. What was that for?

But here's the thing. I've been going to school for 15 years now. We get it. You're very smart. Let's hear about prison now. No, no, no, no, no. What I'm saying is... We get it.

You're the smartest man in the world. We get it. I get it. You get it. We all get it. I'm a smart guy. You're a smart guy. We're all smart guys.

We want to hear about how many seasons in prison you lasted. But here's the thing. I've been going to school for 15 years, and I have a whole drawer full of diplomas. And I have a big dick, and I'm president of the United States. How many diplomas do you have? I don't know. My wife throws them in the drawer. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You guys are letting this guy play us like a bunch of fools. What was your second felony? That was the first one I told you about. The third one. Well, what was the first one for? I played guilty to second-degree burglary, and that's a hell of a story. Okay, okay.

What was the third one for? It was a bum rap. Check it out. Here comes the good shit. I took that one to trial, and they found me guilty of attempted murder. Before he continues, before he continues,

we all want to let you know, we all think you're very smart. Fuck. Okay. I have an average IQ. On a good day, maybe a point above. Okay. But anyway.

So tell us about this attempted murder. It's a bum rap. Here's the thing. I took this for the trial. Every time you say that makes us think you definitely did it. Just want to let you know. It's a bum rap. Ka-ba.

Again, you seem pretty in touch every once in a while. About 15% of your stuff is just like, what? No, the opposite. That was one of them. Every time you say bum rap, we're literally like, oh, he killed a guy. Wow. This is crazy. Was it a nagger?

Like if somebody that nags you a lot. Oh my god, Red Band. Wow. Do we have a delay button or something like that? Like, I cannot believe you just said that. That's a classic other N word that South Park did. Yeah, well, South Park can get away with that.

Jesus Christ, Redman. And first of all, Nagger starts with a K, so I don't get why. All right. Guys, let's just keep it moving along. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Attempted murder. We have to get through it. We got to know.

Yeah, bum rap. So what happened? I was drinking in a skid row bar like I used to do. And a guy hit me. And I explained to him that if he ever hit me again he punched you or like open hand slap or like i was standing at the urinal taking a piss and he came up and clobbered me did you know the guy or did you did no he was a stranger it was acquaintance at the bar mr trump yes uh now when you say you explain to the man that sounds like you did it in a very polite way.

What did you actually say to the man when you got struck in the back of the head? Well, I turned around, and he started hitting me. Multiple punches? Yeah, I had a fat lip, a bloody nose. And how are you going to talk to the girls after that? You know what I'm thinking? You know?

We all relate. Keep going. Right relate keep going right keep going so then but how did you say it when you said if you hit me again what exactly can you reenact it like an actor can you like well say i just hit you right what i did was i left the mark he would see every day of his life you left the what a mark oh him. No. Oh, every day of his life. That's the bum rap. Oh, you stabbed him. I knifed him carefully enough not to kill him. And they found me guilty of attempted murder.

Oh. I argued and argued and argued. Oh, my God. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let it breathe. Hold on. Can I just say, this is my new favorite Top Young Rising comedian.

Mine, too, Mr. President. Mine too. So you knew exactly... Yes, go ahead. Now, he gave a very specific detail. Because he's smart, he knew exactly where to stab the guy. No, where not to stab him. Right. You didn't stab him. Where did you stab him? Like right here or something? No, no, no.

Apples, oranges, bananas, pears. I left some scars on him. Where? Well, to be careful. Oh, right there along the arteries. Perfect, yeah. No, there was nothing there. Okay.

As long as you don't do anything. Nothing there. You stabbed him, just no blood comes out. He peels off. There's just a steel mask underneath. Twizzlers started raining out of his arms. I don't know what was going on. Red vines everywhere. There was a lot of blood, and the thing is,

it all pooled in some beer, and people tracked through it by the time the cops got there. It looked like a slaughterhouse. Right. Because you stabbed a man. I didn't stab him. What do you mean you didn't stab him? I cut him. Do you see what this crowd's doing now that you're talking about the good shit? It took me, this is by far probably the longest interview in the history of Kill Tony.

It's 16 minutes. This is the shit. When you go on stage for your second time, Calvin, and I know we know you're not that guy. Nobody thinks you're going to fucking stab him. So many people after this tonight, anyone that sees you after this is going to go, Calvin, good fucking job up there. You were so interesting.

And it's because you're talking about fucking real shit that only you can talk about. You're the only guy that can joke about fucking, I didn't stab him, I cut him. Like, that's so funny. Look, look, look at them. And look how far you've come from solitary confinement, you know, playing, having so much of it that you physically have to, like, wear it.

You know what I mean? On, you know, literally every day. And here you are on a hip fucking show destiny got you out of the bucket and you we fucking found out how goddamn interesting you are you look interesting you sound interesting just talk about the most interesting shit that nobody else can talk about you have all those diplomas but you don't have to be clever because what you really have is a lot of life experience and And that's... That's not what I wanted to talk about. I didn't want to talk about the diplomas.

I know. I know. My point is to talk about that good shit. Talk about your past. I do. Don't be afraid of your past. I know. Alright. I love you. Calvin Charles Calhoun. First time ever. What? What's wrong? Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You seem upset about something. Is something bothering you?

That's his resting face. Don't touch him. I know. You didn't ask me what I do for a living. What do you do for a living? My wife has two jobs. This is the most backwards Kill Tony interview of all time. All the good shit happening 18 minutes into the interview.

Is there anything else? I want you to be comfortable. I do not want to be attempted murdered tonight. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Calvin. 18 minutes is a long time. You're right. I got 18 more. We're going to sentence you to another 15.

No, I'm kidding. There he goes. Calvin Charles Calhoun. Come on, guys. Make some fucking noise for him. They love you, Calvin. That was awesome. That was really awesome. I take a lot of grief sometimes for keeping people up here too long when I think that there's more to them. And I have no regrets about that one.

How about just one more time for Calvin Charles Calhoun? That was awesome. He kind of reminded me of like a Doug Stanhope vibe. Yeah, it was very cool. time for Calvin Charles Calhoun. That was awesome. He kind of reminded me of a Doug Stanhope vibe. Yeah, it was very cool. Is that your wife there with you? Oh, damn. Look at her. Wow.

How many times a day do you have to buttfuck him? Those old prison days. I'm just kidding, Calvin. Oh, he's not smiling, by the way. Update for the listeners. He did not think that was funny. This is really cool, actually.

This guy came all the way to the show in Kansas yesterday. He is the brother of one of our favorite managers at the Comedy Store who actually works with us every Monday. The manager that really helps. He's an unseen hero for You Killed Tony fans. Curtis Nelson at the Comedy Store who actually works with us every Monday, the manager that really helps. He's an unseen hero for You Kill Tony fans, Curtis Nelson at the Comedy Store, one of our favorite people. This is his brother. He's been signing up.

He signed up last night. He drove all the way here today to do his, this is definitely a first time, first ever minute of his. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, making his comedy debut, Billy Nelson, everyone. The brother of our good friend Curtis. Here he is. Come on, one more time for Billy, everyone.

So I was talking to this girl. She was a nudist, and she says, you know, we should all be allowed to be naked whenever we want. I mean, we were born that way. And I said, all right, listen, Lady Gaga. We were also born shitting ourselves, and then we got to a certain age, and we realized that's just not fucking cool anymore, right?

I mean, just imagine me using that same argument to convince my buddies it's cool to shit yourself. You're at a bar, you're like, all right, guys, guys, you're probably wondering why I'm wearing this diaper right now. Okay, wait, I just shit, but wait, now hear me out. You know, we were all born shitting ourselves. Ain't no reason we shouldn't be allowed to shit ourselves whenever we want. Am I right? See, most of you ain't into that, right? But I say most because there's always one weirdo in the fucking back. Some creep in the back of the bar by himself. You shit yourself.

He perks up. He's like, oopsie, did somebody make a stinky? But I know exactly how to handle that fuck. You look him right in his eyes and all you've got to say to him is, Red Band! Hey, look at that! What I did this time! You took away my opening joke that I was gonna

do. That was, uh, that had Red Band laughing hard. You got the cum original. Oh, wow. Broken glass out there. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Broke a glass out there. Oh, shit. Oh, no. Fucking Calvin Charles Calhoun is using

a shank right now. No, I'm kidding. Kidding. Kidding. Not smiling again. That's very scary when you don't smile. Ah, look at the Brody. You got the Brody shirt on. Hell, yeah. Very cool. How about another hand for Billy Nelson's first time doing stand-up comedy, right?

How do you feel, man? I'm glad it's over. Yeah. I'm glad it's over. You went through it. I mean, you sound like a goddamn stand-up comedian. You had the pacing and the beats of one for sure. I felt like I might have rushed a little.

Huh? I felt like I might have rushed a little bit. Well, a little bit. You almost got the bear, so I don't know. It's one of those things where you just got to get to the meat and potatoes of it. It's so much more. It's the most common mistake of every, including myself for years, including still to this day. Some of my jokes are still a little bit too clunky, and you can always lose a word or two of unnecessary information.

Your first time, you're never going to get the timing right either. You're going to listen back and be like, holy shit, I was going a mile a minute instead of my normal voice. But that's hard to learn. Even if you master that, there will be nights where you get on stage and you still go, goddammit, what was up with me? I was talking so fast. It never ends.

But let's find out about you, Billy Nelson. Tell us some fun stuff about you. What do you do? What's going on? I currently work at FedEx. FedEx. And you're out of Kansas? Kansas City.

Kansas City. Well, Shawnee, Kansas. Heck yeah. Oh, Shawnee. What's Shawnee like? It's like here, but more hills. Ooh, yikes. Ooh, yikes.

When you say hills, you don't mean the billies. No. All right. Anyway, this place is more like the hills have eyes. Okay, you guys really don't like jokes about your own city, which is not a good thing. If you're wondering, it's better to just be able to laugh at yourselves for being stuck here and born here and never leaving here than it is to get weird about it. If you're going to do it, you've got to fucking own it, Omaha.

I'm sorry to break the news to you. So, Billy, what do you do for fun? You work at FedEx. That's why your delivery was a little bit off tonight. No, I'm just kidding. What do you do for fun, Billy? Tell us about you. What was your third felony?

You come to Los Angeles a lot. I know that. Yeah, I hang out at the comic store. I love it there. It's not just a dark room, like one of the guys said. I just noticed Calvin was not in his seat anymore, and it has me very concerned. He must have gone to a...

I don't know if you saw that also, but when he was on stage, the bartender came to get me another drink, and she just came behind me and tapped me on the back. Oh, God. He must have gone to the restroom stall, or as he calls it, solitary. Billy, you're so interesting that we're still talking about Calvin Charles.

You're still up there. No, tell us about you. What are you into? I play baseball for fun. Oh, cool. Heck, yeah. Second base? Yes.

What's your main thing that you play? Well, these days I play outfield because I'm older, but when I was young, second, short, third, catcher, outfield You have a girlfriend? Married How long have you been married for? 20 years Wow, 20 years

Married 23 years But yet you still play the field Hey, look at that Mr. President He grew up listening to my wife. What? Is that true? Why did he grow up listening to your wife?

Not Donald Trump. Right, Jeremiah Watkins. She's a radio DJ in Kansas City. Oh. He was like 10 years old when we first started there. Oh, he worked at the radio station. Well, a different one, competing radio stations. Wow.

Look at that. My goodness Well, a different one. Competing radio stations. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. All right, Billy. So she works at a radio station. My goodness. You guys still have good sex after 20 years? Gotta be honest. Yeah, no. No?

You said yeah and no at the same time. Wow. I gotta be honest. Yeah, no. It's good when it happens, you know, after 20 years. When it happens. I keep my prostate healthy, though. Yeah, how do you do that?

Well, you know, they say masturbation regular is good for your prostate. Oh, okay. What's some of your favorite stuff to masturbate to? Yes, when was your last milking? Anyway. What? Why milking? Oh, What? Why milking? Oh, you know, square, square, yum, yum, 2%.

Oh, my goodness. What is happening? What's your favorite stuff to masturbate to? What do you type into the search bar? No, I wasn't winking at you. I was winking at the president, Donald Trump. Wow. We have a communication.

You want me to answer that? Russian hackers. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, tell me your code, you dirty bitch. What do you like to jerk off to, Billy? You seem like a good guy, though. You might still be using magazines and shit.

I don't know if I trust you. No, anything. Come on, tell us some dirty shit, Billy. He gets a home and garden magazine and he just goes to town. Yeah, what's your category? Come on. Give us a good one. Big butts.

Big butts? You type in big butts in the porn search. This guy is the whitest of white. You don't have to type it in. Big butts. Big anal canals. Is that true? Is that really what you're into more than anything? Big butts over boobs? It's the first one that came to mind.

But no, I'm butts over boobs for sure. Butts over boobs? So when you type in big butts, I mean a lot of... As long as they're not talking, I'm into it. You know what I mean? Big butts. I'd imagine you type in or search big butts that perhaps a lot of, from what I've observed in life, that perhaps a lot of black women would come up on the screen.

Are you attracted to black women or are you really from Kansas? I don't discriminate. You don't discriminate. You like everything. screen. Are you attracted to black women or are you really from Kansas? No. I don't discriminate. You don't discriminate. You like everything. Yes. Has your wife ever caught you jerking off? No. Really? No. You don't jerk off enough. She didn't have to catch me because I keep the healthy

prostate and she's not putting out. You just do it right in front of her? You ever do it right next to her and then squirt the load on her when you're done? She doesn't want to put out, so I get ticked or whatever. So I just remember, because it's a healthy prostate thing, I've told her, hey, it's healthy for my prostate.

You need to put out. And she doesn't do it, so I just run and barge in the room. Out of the way, medical emergency. Really? There you go go what the fuck all right uh well billy uh it's we one thing that we've been doing tonight and which i love is uh giving people their first times uh ever doing stand-up and uh you know you have accessibility to the city you think it's something you're gonna do again no for sure. I love it. And I will say, after doing this, because I know you were coming for like a month.

And like for the last month, I've just been saying out loud, racking my brain. And again, I'll tell you the same thing that I told Calvin and pretty much everybody. You know what I mean? It's like you're talking about sort of like Lady Gaga and then pooping his pants. We want the fucking meat and potatoes of you. We want to know the shit that you really fucking sort of like, I don't know if I should fucking talk about this.

You know what I mean? Tell us something about your brother so we can make fun of him when we get back to Los Angeles because we're good friends with his brother. Something embarrassing. Tell us after the show. How about that? Why? Go ahead, Billy. Finish it. Tell us something about your brother.

There you go. Anyway, tell us after the show. Anything from Mr. President? Yeah, this is just a note for any public speaking. Clear the mic stand. For sure. Classic Billy. I'm surprised.

You must have never listened to an episode of Kill Tony before. You have to move that mic stand. I know. We love you. How about Billy Nelson, everybody? Come on. Made the drive. That was good, Billy.

You were good. He's shaking his head no. Look at this fucking guy. I thought he was great. For your first time, I thought that was amazing. Look at this guy just coming in off a sailboat from somewhere. Very rare, the Omaha sailor. Okay.

Wow, this is interesting. It says Aaron Jensen Roberts. It's my birthday. Wow, look at this. Here he comes. From right here in the front row. Okay, Aaron, walk on stage. You. Look at this. Here he comes. From right here in the front row. He's... Okay. Aaron, walk on stage. You don't have to empty your fucking pockets. What is

happening? Oh my god. Wow. Alright. They're very excited here in this little patch. Come on, one more time. Aaron Jensen Roberts. Alright. Fuck me, right? So I recently

went out for my friend's birthday. Lauren. There you go. And I asked my girlfriend to go out with me. We've been together for about two years. And we're busy, so we don't get a chance to go out a lot. We have a few drinks. We're having a good time. She turns to me and she says,

Hey, Aaron, would you still love me if I was born a man? And, you know, I mean, after two years, that's really on me, right? I mean, probably. Probably. But, I mean, I'm single now, so it's whatever. You know, it's hard out here, you know, when you're dating and everything like that, especially, like, dating websites. You're trying to think of a catchy line to always like, you know, put up there.

I've narrowed it down to 50 shades of missionary position. And that's a good one. And then also, sorry, wrong hole. Those are my main two I'm going with. You know, and also I just graduated college, which is nice. But I'm really broke. So being even a poor student, trying to date is even harder. Just for the fact that I'm really broke. So broke that you use the same two batteries for everything you have in your house.

Like Xbox, remote control, facial trimmer. Aaron Jensen Roberts. That's it. So, Aaron Jensen. By the way, move that mic stand like we just said two seconds ago. It's okay. Sure. Come on up here. Come on up here, tiny Ed Norton.

I got it. I got a short joke, too. No, it's okay. It's okay. Relax. Relax. The time is up. All right, Stuart Little, just take a breath.

Fucking look at you. You have an interesting head. Why do you keep pointing at her? Because it was another joke. Yeah, we know. You've had to live with this your whole life. We know that you know. Hey, I always said, Tony's gonna make fun of this.

I know that point. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? Is that your girlfriend there? That was the maybe. You're single. We were dating. It's true. Is that true?

True. Really? And now you're not dating? True. Really? Is she fucking that guy next to her? He said no, but then he looked at you all weird like he has before. Oh, now she's shaking her head no. See, people, if it was no, you don't say no like that. They just sort of are like, no.

But you guys, again, doing the old fucking bum rap. You know what I mean? No, it never happened in a million years. No. No way. The fuck out of here. Look at this fucking guy. I still can't figure out exactly what the fuck you look like.

It's something. It's like some like, is it fucking like Doug or something like that? It's something cartoony. Yes, that's what it is. Is it? There's something very cartoony. Yes, that's what it is. Is it? There's something very cartoony about it. Oh, I know what it is. It's the fucking baby from the family

guy. Stewie. Yeah, you look like Stewie, right? From the fucking chin up. I think it looks like Doug. Is it Doug? Maybe it is. I don't really. I've never been a big cartoon guy. So Aaron Jensen Roberts, it's really your birthday? It is, yeah. June 8th. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, no, I know. You do that thing where you point at people when they're right about something.

It's awkward, I know. How old are you? What year? I'm 31. 31. I know. I look like I'm like, you know. I know.

I know. Hand in the pocket. Very good. Left hand in the pocket. Aaron Jensen Roberts. So 31, it is your birthday. You share a birthday with me and Kanye West and many other bipolar geniuses in the world. What do you do, Aaron?

Actually, I just graduated to be a physical therapist assistant. Wow, physical therapist. So, like, what type of physical therapy are we talking about? Like athletic or? You know, I mean, when I was working in the hospital, I started off as a personal trainer. So then it kind of really, I mean, orthopedic sports side is kind of like my specialty. But I mean, after I did a clinical rotation at the hospital, acute setting, I'm kind of leaning towards that a little bit. That's really cool.

What do you like to do for fun? I mean, I like to work out a lot. Really? Boxing. What kind of working out? Oh, a lot of cardio. Well, I mean, I like to lift too. I mean, if I didn't lift, I'd just be like, I mean, out of high school, I was 115 pounds.

So, I mean, I'm not very big, obviously. Right. I like to box. I used to do MMA. I mean, I don't fight anymore. What's the heaviest thing you can lift? Good question. Do you think you could bench press the President of the United States?

You know, I think I don't... Do you think you could bench press the president of the United States? You know, I think I don't... I mean, I don't know if he would do it. I don't know if he would do it. It's up to him. He's the most powerful man in the free world. But he does appear to be perhaps thinking about it.

I don't know. Mr. President, would you be willing to do that for the city of Omaha, Nebraska? No. President, would you be willing to do that for the city of Omaha, Nebraska? I'll allow it. You'll allow it? I'll allow it. Wow. Lay on your back, Aaron Jensen Roberts.

Lay on your back. Wow. This is very exciting. So the president is going to try to distribute, he's gonna try to distribute his weight evenly. He's going backside first. One hand is in his asshole right now. If you don't get this right, he's gonna land right on top of you. Let's get one good push.

Here he goes. Man. We finally got to see the president. The president weighs 240 pounds. It's all static value. It's all for looks. My goodness.

Well, no. It takes a real set of balls to... Is there a man that could bench press me here? Is there anyone here that thinks they can bench press the president of the United States? That guy. That guy right there? Come on up here. Fuck yeah. Oh, hell yeah.

It's a motherfucking... Move your legs, lady. Come on, make some noise from Run the Jewels. It's Killer Mike, everyone. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

Stand right here. This is amazing. Oh, he's going to throw him through the fucking ceiling. He's going to throw him through the fucking ceiling. He's... We will count it. Holy shit. Wow, that is very impressive, sir. What's your name? Oh, my goodness.

He doesn't even talk. He's like the guy from the Green Mile. Didn't I tell you I have a great relationship with the blacks? My nigga. My nigga. Hey, what's your name? Hey. What's your name?

I'm Al-Amin. I'm in the bucket. You're in the bucket? Well, I'll tell you what. There goes Aaron Jensen Roberts. It's his birthday. I'm Alomine. I'm in the bucket. You're in the bucket? Well, I'll tell you what. There goes Aaron Jensen Roberts. It's his birthday. Make some noise for him. And I'll tell you right now, without missing a beat,

we're going to give you 60 seconds. One more time for your next comedian, Alomine, everybody. Man, I'm tired. I'm tired now. Can't move stairs fast. Shit. I'm big-ass tired now. I'm trying to lose weight, though. It's hard when you try and lose weight.

There's so many temptations out there, you know? Like, the other night, I'm on a treadmill, busting my ass, about to die, two minutes into my workout. And I'm watching the game keep me motivated. And the game goes on, commercials come on. And did y'all know that KFC has chicken and waffles now? Fucking kidding me? I'm trying to be healthy, and they had a commercial that was pouring syrup all slow motion on a pile of chicken and waffles and steam was coming off that shit It was so seductive. I'm like why are we bringing sex into this? I started getting aroused man. I'm on the treadmill

I started rubbing my nipples man. I almost fell off the damn treadmill It don't make no sense They shouldn't play commercials like that when people are working out like Like, doing that is like, imagine you're addicted to meth. Well, this is Omaha. You probably don't have to imagine. But imagine you're in treatment for meth, and Walter White and Jesse Peekman come through the door and tweak out Kool-Aid, man, and start making it rain crystal.

That's all I got. Peace. Fuck yeah. Come on. Make some noise. That's how you kill Tony right there. Aldo Meade. Am I saying that right?

Aldo? Yes, sir. Aldo Meade. God damn, this is beautiful. I'm a big fan of your show. Heck yeah. Well, you know how to play the game. You were the first guy to stand up and say I could do that.

You came up. You might not have been. Who knows? I drove four hours. I'm like, fuck that. Four hours. You just bench pressed him four times. You got a spot. I mean,'s how you gotta you want to you want to be part of it you know how to do it what an amazing set how long you been doing stand-up uh this is my sixth time getting up

wow dude you got it dude wow you got the magic touch man how old are you i I'm 36. 36. And where did you drive four hours from? I live by Iowa City. Iowa City. I know. It's not a big. I know where I'm at. That's crazy. That's where you live?

Yeah. How far is that from Des Moines? It's about two and a half hours. I'll be there tomorrow. Wow. Wow. That's awesome. Well, I'll tell you what.

I want to hear another minute of you. So we're going to throw you up on tomorrow's show without even thinking twice about it. I appreciate it. I appreciate that. That is so fucking cool. What do you do for work, Aldo? I drive a truck.

Hell yeah. It's Aloe, like the plant. Oh, Aloe. Okay, that's what I originally had, and then I thought maybe it must have been aldo, and I didn't want to get stuck calling you aloe, and then get shanked where

you won't die, you know what I mean? I've heard how that goes for people. Hey, he came up to me before the show, and it was all cool and shit. I think he was solving me up for that N-word joke. We're cool, though. We still cool. He was getting me ready.

Wow. You are funny as fuck, dude. So do you drive, like, trucks nationwide or just around local? I'm local now. I used to do over the road, but I gained a lot of weight doing that shit. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's easy to just. I used to be your size.

No way. No, I'm lying. Bullshit. You were never my size. Never. You came out of the womb bigger than me. Aloe mead. My goodness.

And you're born and raised there in Iowa City? I'm born and raised in Des Moines. Des Moines? Yeah. Wow, that is so fucking interesting How do you yes, mr. President? Can I just say I don't know if it translated to the audience how forcefully he was binge-pressing me He did I'll tell you he took an interesting approach he gripped my clothing. Yeah And he's so strong. he was lifting me like,

it's the lightest and most sexy I've ever filmed in my life. But I'll tell you this, Aloe, you got another minute coming tomorrow. We spent 18 minutes with some crazy fuck earlier, so we're going to keep it moving along. We'll talk with you more tomorrow. We'll find out more about him. How about that?

Kill Tony magic moment with Aloe Mead. His Kill Tony debut. I would have guessed, I honestly thought he was going to say that he's been doing it two, three, four years, and you find out it's a guy's sixth time. I mean, I'll tell you right now, Aloe, you absolutely, and I'll tell you

again tomorrow, I'm sure, but we got to find a way to get that guy more fucking spots doing stand up. What a little find. Drove four hours tonight and absolutely killed. Talking about his perspective on the world. That is fucking unbelievable. Is this a bucket of destiny or what? Al-O-Mean was going to be your next comedian.

Holy shit. Al-O-Mean was going to be your next comedian. Holy shit. It's called the Bucket of Destiny for a reason, folks. What should we do? Should we give him another minute right now? Save it for tomorrow? I don't know. I guess so. All right.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jesse Garrett, everyone. Jesse Garrett. Oh, shit. Here he comes. The slow walk. Not an easy spot to follow Al-O-Mean right now. This is a tough position. But you guys still have energy, right? Fuck yeah.

Come on. One more time, good and loud for Jesse Garrett. I'm super fucking nervous right now. I didn't realize the show was at 5 o'clock. I thought it was at like 7 o'clock, so I thought I could get a lot more drunk before I could fucking be up here. But I was adopted by white people,

so every family reunion I ever went to, they'd always try to hand me the plates, act like I'm fucking some sort of a service person. It's really weird. My girlfriend was recently hospitalized, because I had to tell her twice. I mean, it's... I'm definitely shaking right now.

I mean, I feel completely crazy. I've been ordering double whiskey and Cokes this whole time, so I'm totally nervous. I'm about to shit my pants. Thank you. Wow. All right. There he is, Jesse Garrett.

First time ever doing stand-up, correct? There you go. First time. The go to the first time. Jesse, you said that you were adopted by white people. What are you? I don't even know what the fuck you are, dude. Are you Mexican?

I'm Mexican, but I get it that I look native a lot, so every time I... I don't think you look native. I was just going to guess you're native by how many drinks that you've had before coming on stage here tonight. I'm glad this show is at 5 o'clock because you could barely talk right now.

It's incredible. And you're dressed like one of the characters out of a Bronx Tale, which was made by Robert De Niro. Basketball diary guy. Early 90s. He has his gold chain hanging out. Like, what did you do?

Watch Goodfellas today? What happened? So let's talk about it, Jesse. My goodness, that was a very bizarre set. You have a girlfriend? Fiance. Fiance. How long have you been with her?

Coming up on four years. How many kids do you have? None. None? What? Mexican guy. Four years? No baby?

This guy is not a real Mexican, obviously. So, what do you do for work, Jesse? I make fertilizer. He's a Mexican. Oh, he's a Mexican. Hey! It's a fun... We found it out.

And we're back, folks. It took a little digging, but we found out he makes fertilizer. Uh, how long you been making fertilizer for? And by making fertilizer, do you mean you just shit on dirt? Pretty much. Yeah. How long you been doing that for? A year and a half.

How old are you? 25. 25. Look at you. You're adorable. You're like Mexican Bobby Lee or something like that. I love how you have a mustache like a 12-year-old Mexican boy. Hey, hey, we don't make fun of people with thin mustaches on this show.

I got it off him. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yourself. Jesse, tell us more about you. What do you do? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking make that corn on the cob

with the spices on it or something. Mayonnaise. A little bit of mayo on that bitch. A little spicy Cheetos. I really don't do much. I mean, I work 65 hours a week. You work 65 hours a week. You work 65 hours a week. Making fertilizer.

You just pretty much press buttons and shit and fucking shit goes in there. So your job can be fixed with robots. Exactly. He's Mexican. Still Mexican. I've gotten fired from my other job

Because Mexicans replaced me Wow And you taught them a lesson Exactly why I voted for Trump Is that true? Did you really vote for Trump? Oh yeah Well it looks like he's one of the good ones I guess I'm just curious

So you're being honest in saying that Mexicans took your job You voted for Trump But you are a in saying that Mexicans took your job, you voted for Trump, but you are a Mexican, but because a Mexican took your job, that's why you voted for Trump? I'm a whitewashed Mexican, so I don't speak Spanish or anything like that. Wow, look at that. Whitewashed. But my fiance is a Mexican. Well, basically a Mexican.

Right. When you say, you mean Puerto Rican. When you say basically a Mexican, do you think we're ICE or something like that? I would hope you would deport anybody that's illegal. I like this guy's policies. All right, Jesse.

Anything else interesting? You said you work 65 hours a week. There must be something you do for fun. You don't have any kids. I mean, what are we talking about here? No, I mean, I'm pretty much done doing it. I got two dogs now. What do you do, like, when you get home from work?

What time is that usually at? About 6.30, 7. 6.30, 7 p.m., and then what do you do? Get drunk. Wow, you're a heavy drinker, huh? There's a lot of heavy drinkers here, right? 6.37. 6.37 p.m. And then what do you do? Get drunk. Wow. You're a heavy drinker, huh? There's a lot of heavy drinkers here, right? Like, that's the big thing to do out here.

It's the Midwest. Yeah. I mean, yeah. There's other things. But, okay. I actually drove by a billboard earlier that said alcoholism. It's the Midwest. Yeah.

Why not? Man. What's the craziest thing Why not? What's the craziest thing you've ever done after drinking? Getting too drunk. I'm a felon. Go ahead. Tell us. You know how this works. You've seen this show. Get to the good shit.

I got my fourth OWI when I was 21. Wow. My goodness. That's a DUI. You got fourth OWI when I was 21. Wow. My goodness. So that's a DUI. You got an owie? What is an owie? That's a DUI, Mr. President.

And you got your fourth one when you were 21? Yes, and I haven't been arrested since then. Oh, fourth? I've had to be in jail a lot. How long have you spent in jail? Eight months, then like two months then like another two months, one month. Probably about two years total. Wow.

What's the most unique name of a person that you met in prison? Country boy. Country boy. The most interesting name of a guy that I've ever met that's been in prison was Aloe Mean. No, I'm just kidding.

It's old Triple C over there. You know what I'm saying? Come on, my guy. My guy. So you told us already that you just drank a shitload just because you were about to go on stage. So do you still drink and drive?

No, I got my DD. So my fiance is the DD. Oh, cool. Oh, she's a lucky girl. Oh, she's great. She has double Ds? No, she don't have double Ds. I wish.

Oh, damn. Oh, shit. Oh, no, you didn't. Maybe she'll have twins. I actually am. You actually are what? Genetically or whatever, I'm supposed to have twins. Oh, really?

Yeah, it skipped a generation. Wow, you're like a Mexican X-Men or something like that. That's strange. Never heard of it. All right. Well, Jesse, congratulations. Never heard of it. All right. Well, Jesse, congratulations. Your first time ever. I would recommend this.

You know, this is my little prescription for you. Next time you try this, and I think you should try it again because I think there's something in there that wants to try this and do this. My advice would be try going up sober once. It's only 60 seconds. You'll survive it. I used to do that, Tony. I don't think I could, honestly. But why?

Why don't you think you could? It's super nerve-wracking. I'm about to shit my pants right now. Right, but you've never tried it sober, so how the fuck do you know anything? You also thought, obviously, that driving was so scary that you had to drink before doing it at one point in your life.

Maybe if you tried it, maybe you'd find that it goes a little bit better and people don't throw you in fucking prison. There he goes, Jesse Garrett, everyone. Jesse Garrett. You know, maybe the first 30 times, I used to do the same thing. I got as drunk as I could before I went on stage because I was so scared. Like, my nerves.

Right. No, yeah. I mean, it's one of those things that I just do not believe in it. I think that there's about maybe two three I can name two out of working and staying late at the comedy store every pretty much every night of my life for 12 years I can name two comedians that can really

drink and absolutely kill on stage and they are Doug Stanhope and Ron White yeah I think that is the list and there's a lot of comedians that drink, and I've seen just about everybody drink too much before their sets, except for those two guys.

Ron White I've seen pretty close to being too drunk. Oh, yeah. He just walks the line like he's taking a DUI test of being just a little bit too drunk. He gets us all too drunk when he's a guest on Kill Tony. He's got that Don – it's number one tequila. What do you guys think? We should go to the bucket one more time, huh? Maybe we'll try to...

Let's try the magic touch. Try to get a lady up here for the first time tonight. Try to find a lady in that bucket. Let's try it. Let's just give it a shot. Is there a lady that signed up tonight? Hold on. Wait, wait time tonight. Let's try it. Is there a lady that signed up tonight? Let's not do that. Pull another name out of the bucket. You guys ready for what appears to be your final comedian of the

night? Alright, put your hands together for Justin Heaps. What the fuck is this guy doing? Hold on. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Put the mic back in the mic stand. Come here. Come here. Let me see your ID. So you're not Justin Heaps. That's exactly what I thought. Get the fuck off stage, dude.

This is a live show, dude. It'll never work, people. It will never, ever work for you. Here he is. Justin Heaps, everyone. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. You know what?

Let's give him a good reset. First of all, boo that guy. Boo. Let's get it out of our fucking systems. I don't understand how fans of this show even have the balls to kick him out right now. Anyway, how about one more time? Good and loud for Justin Heaps, everybody.

Alright, so a couple years ago, I needed to go to the doctor. Hadn't been in a while, so I was asking some friends, you know, hey, got a good doctor you recommend? So, a friend of mine recommended a doctor. Took her advice, went to the doctor, walked in. I didn't realize I'd asked for a full physical.

So I go in, and the doctor walks in. He's got a long, you know, white coat and some fucked-up shoes, some shit I'd never seen in my life. Purple, something a 65-year-old man should not be wearing, that's for sure. So he tells me to turn my head and cough per the usual checkup. In the middle of that, he asked me, have I found God at that point or Jesus? I sure the fuck did. I wasn't going to lie to him about that.

So we keep going. And I'd been to church a few times in my life, you know, Presbyterian, Catholic, Lutheran, whatever. I'm not a real religious guy. you know, Presbyterian, Catholic, Lutheran, whatever. I'm not a real religious guy. But when he told me to drop my drawers and put my elbows on the table, I was as Catholic as anybody else in the fucking world. For sure.

So. Hell yeah. Justin Heaps. Come on. First time ever doing stand-up? First time ever. First time ever doing stand-up comedy. Wow.

That is incredible. And that was a joke about visiting the doctor. It was. Hell yeah. So what took you so long to get on stage that you had that dumbass come on stage? Yeah, what happened? Were you still getting your checkup done? I was. I was bent over, yes.

Oh, you son of a bitch. What took you so long to get on this stage? I didn't think I could get through the front row because I'm not a... Where were you at? Right back over here. The lady with the phone. Dude, I can't believe your excuses. Alomines made it up here through this fucking... This fucking... Running right

through old racist legs to get on this stage. And you're coming up with excuses. They have to let him through, though. They have to let him through just out of a courtesy. Of course. So, Justin, tell us more about you. What are some interesting things about you?

What do you do? I work as a purchasing manager for a local warehouse. Uh-huh. Boring. Yeah, boring as shit. I sit at a desk all day long. What else, Justin? What else about you?

What do you do for fun? You ever hunt, fish? I like fishing. I like fishing, fucking, and drinking. Wow, fishing do you do for fun? You ever hunt, fish? What? I like fishing. I like fishing, fucking, and drinking. Wow. Fishing, fucking, and drinking. You ever fuck the fish? Big mouth bass.

You remember that bass on the wall? Hell yeah. You hold him by the whiskers. I did. Who do you fuck? You have a girlfriend? I do. How long you been with her?

About nine months. Where'd you meet her at? Football practice for our children. Football practice for your children. Football practice for your children. Wow. How did she play? Hey. She was the center. I was the quarterback. So, wait

a second. So you have a kid from another relationship? Yes. And how old's your kid? Well, 12 and 13. I've got a daughter and a son. They both play football. They both play football? Yes. Wow. So you don't only fish. You also catfish. That's nice.

My goodness. What position does the little girl play? She was the kicker and the defensive back safety. My goodness. You've got to be careful with all the concussions, right? She actually got a concussion the last game of the year. You should cut her out of that then, right? Yeah, she's done.

She's done. Yeah. Geez. Yeah, geez. Oh, man. You don't want your 11-year-old daughter giving head already. It's a weird concussion joke. Weird. I tried to shoehorn it in there. It didn't really come out clean.

I can admit it. There's an off chance she may have started last night, but that's an inside joke. Oh, my God. Really? Are you serious? Do you really think your daughter hooked up with a boy last night? Possibly. What makes you say that?

Go ahead. Stop giving one-word answers and start fucking talking, all right? So I stayed at my girlfriend's house last night. My daughter and her daughter slept on the couch. house last night. My daughter and her daughter slept on the couch. My son and her son at apparently 3 o'clock in the morning pulled mattresses out, laid on the floor

next to them. My daughter and her son were very close this morning. Oh? Yeah. Oh my God. Wow. My goodness. Was there any blood on the mattress?

Oh, God. Tony, come on. I knew he was going to do it. Tony. There was blood on our mattress in the morning, but that's a different story. It was just Cheerios and blood. Wow. Cheerios and chocolate milk.

That is incredible. It's like fucking Neverland Ranch in your living room right now. 11 and 12 year olds just boning. That's too young, man. That's crazy. I agree. You know it's bad when Red Band is giving you fathering tips. I know.

My kids are all floating around, you know? Oh, my God. You and this girlfriend of yours, with all your kids, you're like getting ready to make a whole fucking Lannister situation. You know that? Everybody's just fucking in your house.

So there's an 11-year-old. How many kids does she have? She's Mexican, so she's got three. Three. And they're in the same age group. What did I tell you, folks? And it was your son and her daughter? My daughter, her son.

Your daughter. I don't really think anything happened. Does your daughter have a cell phone? Oh, yeah. And what's the ringtone? Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Red band

with another good one. That's true. Justin, is there anything else that we might find interesting about you before moving on? Anything that's ever happened to you? Any weird, your parents weird? Anything interesting? Everybody's parents are weird. Come on, Justin.

You son of a bitch. So you know my mom? What? You know my mom? He said son of a bitch. Justin, stop trying to make jokes and get to the good shit. Get to the good shit.

Ask me a question. I'll answer it. Ask you a question, you'll answer it. Okay, anything interesting about you that you think we need to cover before I let you go? Probably not. There he goes, Justin Heaps, everyone. I almost feel like the fake

Justin Heaps would have answered questions about Justin's life better than him. What do you guys think? One more time, huh? I mean, come on. Let's get a girl, though. Let's get a girl.

Should we really get a girl? Did any girls sign up tonight? Oh, yeah. Did any girls sign up? There's a few of them, yeah. There's a couple of them out there. A couple of them raised their hand. Let's see. Let's see what we get. All right.

So it won't be that person. It won't be Matt. It won't be Eric. It won't be. Yep. Sorry. Okay. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night.

The first female of the night. Put your hands together for Stacey Robinson. Stacey.. Stacey. Oh, snap. Here she comes. Here we go. Come on, one more time for Stacey Robinson. So I recently found out that I'm a mother.

And thank you. After about a year of denial, I decided that I actually quite enjoy it, which means I'm probably doing something wrong. But isn't that our biggest fear as parents, is that we're going to fuck our kids up unintentionally? You know? Yeah, she knows what I'm talking about. Like, I don't care if you rob a bank.

I just don't want to be blamed for it. Like, nobody wants their kids to be on the news being like, oh, I robbed a bank because my mom never told me no. Or, oh, I robbed a bank because my mom never told me no. Or, oh, I robbed a bank because my mom left me on the side of the Black Hills Mountains because my other siblings were more important. Apparently, this is how you rob a bank. And we're also, as parents, we feel pressure to constantly support our children, no matter what. Like, your other friends could be like, oh, my son, he's been a doctor for six years. And as me as a parent, I'd have to say, oh, where does he bank?

Damn, that was good timing. Yeah, you nailed it. Stacey Robinson. And here's to you, Stacey Robinson. Stacey Robinson. Heck, yeah. and he is to you Stacy Robinson heck yeah you ever do stand up comedy before this? that was my first time wow that's so cool

congratulations that's a really good set for a first timer look at that you're already on Kill Tony you look like Wilma Flintstone it's beautiful it's incredible it's because of the necklace You look like Wilma Flintstone. It's beautiful. It's incredible. It's because of the necklace.

You know who Wilma is? I'll take it. Yeah. All right. Very good. You ever drive a car with your bare feet before? What? Nothing.

So, Stacey, first time doing stand-up. How old's your kid? She just turned a year in March. Turned a year. And I missed the beginning part, some technical difficulties. You said that you just found out you're a mom, and then you said what? It's not technical difficulties. I've just never held a mic before. No, it's okay.

It's okay. You never karaoke'd? No, actually, I karaoke'd once, and the other bitch that was with me turned my mic off. She turned it off? Yeah. My God, what were you singing? Bohemian Rhapsody. Really?

You want to try it? You want to try it right now? You want to sing a few lines for us? One second. Before you do this, let me just say, because we're going to stall for time so we can get you the background. You know the words already? Oh, hell yeah.

And you already have AIDS? Not full-blown AIDS. Not full-blown. Heck yeah. We know it's not full-blown. You won't even put a mic next to your mouth. So here we go. Getting her redemption on that bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen, bringing us home tonight. Is this the real life? Well. This is the best part, son. I think this is the part where there's background vocals. Unless that's you, in which case, that's just scary. I can't. No, I would say keep it going.

Oh, wait. Yeah, no, it's about to happen right here. Right after C. You ready? For you, you bitch, Adrian. If it keeps singing along, I'm going to kill myself. That's you. Poor boy, I need no sympathy.

Because I'm easy come, easy go. You're good at the background parts. Here we go. Anywhere the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me Come on, Omaha. Sing it along with us. Hell yeah. I fucking like this.

Is this the bitch that unplugged the mic before? Mama Just killed a man Look at this thick little nerd. I like your style. Put a gun against his head. Hold my trigger, now he's dead. Come on, everybody in this venue.

We're singing this to end the episode. It's just begun. Now he's gone and thrown it all away. Mama. Mama. it all away Mama where the wind blows to make you cry if I'm not back

again this time tomorrow carry on carry on cause nothing really matters Come on, you gotta fucking let it rip on this, Stacey Robinson. All right, we're bringing it home. Closer to your mouth and louder.

My time has come Yeah, there you go. Send shivers down my spine. Body's aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody. I've got to go.

Gonna leave you all behind in vain. Omaha, I fucking mean it. Sing this shit. Mama. I don't want to die. Sometimes I wish I never could. Unbelievable. Hold on a second.

We lost the... Stacey Robinson. Stacey Robinson. Stacey Robinson I'm just a rich boy everybody loves me We're going to hit this last part and we're going to fucking get out of here like champions. Are you ready? Wait a second.

We fucked it up. We went too far. I went too far. We went too far. Oh, here we go. Yes, back up. It went too far. I went too far. We went too far. All right. Oh, here we go. Yes, back up. It doesn't have words anymore. Oh, here we go. Nothing Really Matters coming up. Nothing really matters.

Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters nothing really matters kill Tony Omaha we did it we love you there's nowhere

I rather would have spent my birthday other than the 38 cities in which I'd rather spend my birthday but we did it with you this year one more time for Stacey Robinson she did it we have uh the number one comedy album in the world right now believe it or not belongs to that man right there, Jeremiah Watkins! Donald motherfucking Trump! Woo!

Wee! How about another hand for the great and powerful Brian Redband! Ba-ba-ba-ba-burn! We did it. Make sure you go download the new Reagan Watkins album. Follow Jeremiah on everything social media, Jeremiah's stand download the new Reagan and Watkins album. Follow Jeremiah on everything social media, Jeremiah's stand-up, and Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube.

The album is out now. It's available everywhere. Jeremiah or ReaganandWatkins.com. Anything else? Yes. My next guest on Jeremiah Wonders is Pete Holmes. Check that out. Listen to Jeremiah Wonders. And based on popular demand, we'll be doing more

roadcasts of Jeremiah Wonders as well with Tony Hinchcliffe, Red Band, and Joel Jimenez on the road. So there you go. Absolutely. That's Jeremiah aka President Donald Trump. And we did it, Omaha. We are going to be, real quick, we're going to be

selling posters and pins and new albums right after the show. If you could do us all a favor and consolidate it to one long line instead of all smashing up against us at once and then we don't get through it at all. Just make a line. Sure, Mr. President. I know you might be upset for me for doing this, but I think we should all sing Tony Hinchcliffe Happy Birthday right now. No, no, no, no, no, no way. No, come on.

That's crazy. You guys are, no. These are, all right. Okay, no. Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You live and you smell like a

monkey. And you are one too. Thank you, Omaha. I love you so much. Good night.またね Outro Music you