KILL TONY - KILL TONY #360 - Des Moines

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/09/2019   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're in the middle of a tour. June 13th, we're going to be in Chicago. Then it's followed by Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and then we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates.

Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his own website. Everything that he draws and posters in the Kill Tony book can be found at RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There's the official merchandise of the Kill Tony universe, Death Squad universe. You get some hats, some stickers.

We got some mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Woolies at Des Moines, Iowa. My brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Des Moines, Iowa. Make some fucking noise.

We have a ride. Brian Redband is here. What's up, guys? For our first ever show in Des Moines, Iowa. How exciting is this, huh? Yeah. It's a very exciting time. We're in the middle of a big summer tour, and it's chaos, man.

This is exciting to be here, Brian. Yeah, we have had a great weekend. Tony's birthday was yesterday. We went hard. I'm an old man, but I'm still one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. The fun continues. We fly back to Los Angeles so that we don't miss a home date tomorrow with Jeff Ross. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Then we're back on the road on Tuesday. Appleton, Wisconsin. Then Milwaukee, which is where Milwaukee needs to catch up. Chicago's almost sold out. Madison, I think, might be close. Minneapolis is sold out. Poughkeepsie, New York. And then another show added Thursday, June 20th.

New York, New York at the Gramercy Theater. A lot of fun things happening. Of course, the great Ryan J. Ebeld couldn't make it in the flesh here tonight. However, he did make an amazing Kill Tony print for this exact summer tour with all the dates on it and Woolies for this leg of the tour is on it. So if you want, we'll be signing posters, and the new Reagan and Watkins album is going to be for sale out front, the number one comedy album in the world right now, according to iTunes.

And Red Band, you have some. Yeah, I have some Death Squad pins. They glow in the dark. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, it's going to be a lot, a lot, a lot of fun. I'm excited. So we'll sign those, take pictures with you, whatever, after the show. Of course, as with all these road episodes, we never have a guest with us.

However, we do have a band on this show. The great band leader, Jeremiah Watkins, is one of my favorite people in all of comedy. On this show, every single episode, the band commits to being

different characters. Or maybe it's the return of commits to being different characters. Or maybe it's the return of one of our favorite characters. Maybe it's a brand-new character. Last night in Nebraska, we had Donald Trump for only the third time ever. That was a lot of fun. Sometimes it's a brand-new character that becomes an instant legend. Sometimes it's the return of one of our favorites. Let's see what happens tonight.

A lot of Watkins family here, Iowa-based. So this, just like Kansas, I think is a special episode for him. He's at the top of the charts on Comedy iTunes right now, and he's here for you, Des Moines, Iowa. It's the leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins, the Kill Tony band. Let's see what happens here tonight. And Jeremiah Watkins, the Kill Tony band. Let's see what happens here tonight. Here he comes.

Whoa! It's Jack the Ripper! Wow! How exciting is this? One of the most instantly famous of all time Kill Tony band characters, it's Jack the Ripper. How you doing, Jack? I'm Jack the Ripper.

Wow! My goodness. I mean, this is so wild. I never would have guessed such an interesting, complex character, a serial killer from what I believe is the early 1800s or 1900s, is here with us in Des Moines, Iowa, of all places. That's right. Such body on his hair.

Look at that. Yeah. Healthy hair. Quite the character. My goodness. It's like there was a female slash. Look at that. Yeah. Healthy hair. Quite the character. My goodness. It's like there was a female slash or something like that. But I'm excited to have you here. Cash the Ripper.

I'm excited that you're here. We have Jack the Ripper, Brian Redband, and a bucket of destiny, everyone. I'm going to tell you what. I was shocked at the amount of turnout for sign-ups here tonight. A lot of people with balls here in Des Moines, Iowa. Over three sheets filled completely with sign-ups. I think that brings in about 70, 80 sign-ups. So may the odds be in your favor.

You guys know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means that you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage, and then we talk to you for a bit, find out more about what makes you interesting. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry, blazing saddle bear.

Yeah. And it is definitely, as you could tell outside Pride Week, there is... My God, there is vomit and cum everywhere outside of here. Bear juice everywhere. We were just stepping over hot loads to get into Woolies tonight. It is chaos out there. Just people fucking wrapped. I saw a, what?

Shut the fuck up. I saw a fucking, a mass. Guy with a fucking, forget it. I don't even want to bring it up. So we have it all figured out. Stairs are right in the middle here. Stairs are right down the middle. You can't fuck that one up.

Just walk right to the middle of the stage. You guys ready to start this thing? The first ever Des Moines, Iowa, Kill Tony live at Woolies. Hey, it's Jack the Ripper. I just killed someone. That's crazy. Is that a broom handle you got there? Ah. Ah. It's hard to travel with me cane. That's crazy. Is that a broom handle you got there?

It's hard to travel with me cane. I love it. Well, oh, Jack the Ripper with a little bottle of Aquafina. Look at that. Wow. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Here we go. This is where anything can happen.

Sometimes it's someone's first time. Sometimes it's a local comedy vet. Sometimes it's a hero. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when people bomb on this show? Wow. That's a 90-10 if I've ever seen it before.

That's strong. Your first comedian getting us started tonight, so show him some love, goes by the name of Ethan Fox. Here we go. Wow. Oh, it'd be like Poop Fart. One more time for Ethan Fox, everyone. Thank you.

How are we doing tonight, everybody? All right, so I just want to start out by welcoming Kill Tony to Iowa. Iowa, land of the free and home of the deep-fried butter on a stick. That's right. That is actually something you can buy at our state fair, and people treat it like it's a goddamn delicacy. And I'm just sitting there like, for fuck's sakes, Martha, if you want to speed up the process of killing yourself,

I'm pretty sure they sell tubs of lard at Sam's Club for half the price. Speaking of tubs of lard, anybody here ever had sex with, let's say, a larger person? Anybody? All right, so that's what I like to refer to as a tubby double. Not only are you getting your rocks off, but you're also getting in your daily workout because God knows us fat people, we're not doing half the work. I think that might be it for me, Tony. All right. He's getting out of here.

Ethan Fox, everybody. Heck yeah. Covered some good topics there. So, Ethan, you talked about the fair. Yep. You go on Eastsiders night? Sometimes. I don't make it a normal thing, but.

Whoa, wait, what? A lot of Eastsiders. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Did I just blow your minds with that type of reference? You guys didn't even fucking laugh. It was so good. Shock. All right, let's get back to little Jay Oakerson up here.

Talked about fucking a big girl. By the way, left hand in the pocket, khaki shorts. Still in the Midwest. It is continuing. This is a trend that we've noticed only on this Midwest tour. Kansas, Des Moines, and Omaha, Nebraska. You born and raised here in Des Moines? I am, yep. Yeah. And Ethan, you talked about having sex with a larger woman. Are you the larger woman that you have sex with? Sometimes, yes. Sometimes

I am. You have sex a lot? I don't, actually. No. Unfortunately not. No. When's the last time you had sex? It's actually been a good... You still have some pubes on your chin. I'm surprised that... I do. I do. I do. It's been a good two and a half years, to be honest. Two and a half years. Why do you think that is? Why do you think it's taken you so

long? Well, to be honest with you, Tony, the last chick that I was with, she kind of broke me in a way. She really was a big girl, huh? She actually was one of the smaller ones, to be honest with you. Wow. One of the smaller ones. Yeah. It's a lot easier

to get your heart broken by a non-fat chick. That is very true. Fat chicks break your heart. You're like, whatever, you crazy lady. Get out of here. Come on. I can do better than you. But you probably can't do better than the girl that broke your heart, right? Definitely not. How'd she break you?

What happened? How long were you with her for? It was a good five, six months. Oh, wow. That's a long one. Really surprised you lasted that long. So how did it end? What did she do to you? She cheated on you?

She did, actually. Wow. How did you find out? I was actually good buddies. Did she do it right in front of you? Fuck you, Ethan. No, I was actually good buddies with her brother, and that's how I ended up finding out was he told me.

Oh, she fucked her brother. Isn't that? We are in Des Moines, everybody. We have arrived. Classic Des Moines, everybody. We have arrived. Classic Des Moines. The party has begun. So the big brother told you, that's got to hurt, huh?

Hey, bro, sorry to tell you this. My sister's been fucking like wild. Man. Do you know who she cheated on you with? Not personally, no. Not personally, no. Not personally, no. It was probably, it's usually they say a gym trainer. I can see that.

So you would not know him. Oh, no, definitely not. This body hasn't seen a gym or a barber in years. Wow. Hell yeah, you son of a bitch. Ethan, what do you do for work? What was that? What do you do for work? I actually am an assistant manager at Lids, one of the Lids stores here.

Wow, the hat store. Sick. You have anything, you have any of the Jack the Ripper special over there, the old? I might be able to hook you up, Jack. I think Jack might want to kill you. It was me. I slept with his girlfriend. I gave her the Jack the Slipper. Hello, I'm Jack

the Ripper. Yeah. He said he never knew and he would never wait on. Wow. So Ethan, you're working at Lids. Is that like at a shopping mall? Yep, over at one of the outdoor malls over in Altoona.

One of the outdoor malls. You look more like an outdoor mall kind of guy. I never really thought they'd let you indoors. So how long have you been doing that for? A little close to under a year right now. And this was your first time doing stand-up comedy? It is, yeah. Look at that.

Ethan Fox's first time ever doing it. When you're not working at Lids and with all the free time that you have being eternally single, what do you like to do for fun? What are some fun facts about you, Ethan? I'm really into music. I haven't worked on making any of my own yet, but I got a lot of buddies that make it. So I'm just kind of listening to music. How do you see fitting into music?

Is there an instrument that you play or something like that? I'm more of a singer myself. Yeah? Can you give us a little example of what... Can I give you a little rap, Tony? Sure. We love rap here, and you absolutely look like a great rapper. Let's do it.

And just so you guys know, this isn't my own stuff. Okay, sure. It's a cover from Ethan Fox. Make some noise for him. Here he is. I don't want to be the one to get a millimeter in the gut. I want to be the one to hit him with another millicut up in the middle. I'm going to just look different in a minute when I say that.

You remember that? Hell motherfucking yeah. Sold! Sold! Wow. Look at you. And we have another winner. Jack the Ripper.

Jack the Ripper. My goodness. That is auctioneer style rap if I've ever heard it. Wow. Who was the artist that made that? That's Tech N9ne. Kansas City local around here.

I guess that's considered local if you consider where we're from and what this part of the country is. Oh, right. Wow. Ethan, well, man, congratulations. You had your first time on stage tonight. You got to rap a little bit, and we found out all about you. You know, have fun out there, dude.

Is this something you see yourself doing more often? I would love to, yeah. You ever think about shaving that fucking... Is there like a massive scar or a burn mark or something? In high school, I had this all the way up at sideburns and

I realized about a year or two ago that that looked absolutely awful. So now you just like the ball sack look. Yeah. So you stuck with that. So you went from absolutely awful to slightly less awful. Exactly. Wow.

Well, Ethan, you know, I would say fucking try something else, like look-wise, and get out there and get your confidence back. Don't let that little dirty horse steal your heart from you. Yeah. Thank you. All right. It was only six months. You got it.

You should be over this by now. Use this as a starting date for a whole new outlook on life. If you can handle this, getting the show started, going up first on a show like this, you should be able to talk to any of these goddamn sixes here in Des Moines, Iowa. You know what I mean? There he goes. Ethan Fox, everybody. By the way, only the ugly girls don't think that joke's funny.

So be careful. If you're not smiling at that, ladies, yikes. Then you probably look like Ethan Fox. There he goes. What a great shirt he had on also. Yes, he was rocking What a great shirt he had on also. Yes, he was rocking the Me Like Poop Fart shirt. Noteworthy.

ShopSquad.tv. Wow, this is interesting. This is a guy that was just pulled out of the bucket in Kansas City. He came last night to Omaha, signed up again, did not get pulled out, but obviously he came to Des Moines, Iowa, and he just got lucky again. This is a guy that's been on this show, I think, a grand total of three times. Once he traveled to Nashville, drove to Nashville, didn't get up, traveled to Houston, didn't get up. So here he is. Trey Thompson, everyone.

Come on. Here he is. Here he is. I'm friends with this girl who had sex with this guy who spit in her mouth. She loved it so much, she wanted to date the guy after. I was hanging out with her, and she was confused. She was like, Trey, can friends casually have sex with each other? And I was like, Trey, can friends casually have sex with each other? And I was like, yeah, absolutely.

And then I stopped talking to save all the saliva that I had in my mouth for the onslaught that I was going to give this poor girl. She was like, no, the guy that I want to be with doesn't want to be with me, but he still wants to casually have sex and be friends. I was like, you should chalk that up as a win. He spit in your mouth. I'm surprised he you should chalk that up as a win. He spit in your mouth. I'm surprised he even wants to see you in public anymore. Let me put it this way. Have you ever wiped twice

with the same piece of toilet paper? She threw me a curveball. She was like, actually, Trey, I wipe, fold, and then wipe again. It saves toilet paper. I was so disgusted with this bitch, I spit in her face. And that's how I met my wife.

That's so stupid. Trey Thompson, everybody. Wow, what song was that? Slipknot, Duality. Eh, Slipknot on the solo saxophone. Not easy to do, Jack the Ripper. It's hard to play Slipknot on saxophone. Trey is here.

Again, you just got up, and we just made fun of you a lot in Kansas, but I will say you get uglier every time I see you. It's incredible. Trey is, for those of you wondering in the audience, he is a young man, even though he looks like the lesbian Statue of Liberty. I mean, it is incredible. You look like the Chewbacca of

softball players. He looks like an animated ball of lint in a vacuum cleaner commercial. Look at yourself. You look like all the women on The View smashed together. It's just crazy. How do you look like that, Trey? Do you have any explanation?

Look at this audience and tell them why you look the way you look. I don't have an answer. You're six what? Five? Eight. Six foot eight. You're how old? 26.

26 years old. How much do you weigh? 280. 280. Look at you. And how many days left do you have to live? Is your family all really big? My mom's 5'10 and my dad's 6'1.

My brothers are 6'3 and 6'4. Wow. Man, my goodness. That's crazy. You do anything where your height gives you an advantage? You play basketball? I tried out for the freshman basketball team and didn't make it. You didn't make basketball.

You must be bad at everything. When you're 6'8", were you close to that height then? I stopped growing at 15, so I was 6'8". You were 6'8", as a freshman, and you didn't make the fucking basketball team. Do you realize how worthless you are? Did you try the woman's basketball? Maybe you could have snuck your way in there. Yeah.

You could probably still get in the WNBA. Trey, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? What about you? I play video games. I do comedy. You play video games. You do comedy.

Wow. How fucking exciting you are, Trey. Now, you drove here today straight from Omaha. We saw you last night. How was that? Did you have a smooth drive? Did you stop anywhere? Stop off at like a Taco John's or anything like that?

Taco John's. Stop off at like a Come and Go. You know what I mean? What the? A lot of Come and Go fans out there. That's what I do with the ladies. Come and go. Jack the Ripper.

Jack, you dirty boy, you. You just went straight through? Mm-hmm. Hell yeah. And did you come solo? No, I got the art teacher with me. Oh, the art teacher. Yes, we found out about the art teacher that he's dating a couple nights ago in Kansas.

How's that going? Good. Good? Did you drive or did she drive? I drove. Yeah? Did she accidentally maybe fall asleep on your wiener? No, not yet.

What kind of car do you drive? Do you drive like a... I drive a Ford Focus. She drives a Ford Focus. Wow. What a fucking nerd couple you guys are. Just bottom of the barrel, double focus. I expect that from an art teacher, but not from you.

You ever put your two focuses together and pretend like you just have one Ford Taurus? Probably not. Trey, fun minute, man. Anything else that you want to say before you head back to obscurity? It's been a fun three-day run. Interesting fact about me, I came with no hands when I was high on mushrooms. Really?

You came with no hands when you were high on mushrooms? Did you hump something? No, I was on mushrooms, and Ari Shafir says to jerk off on mushrooms. So I did, and it wasn't happening. So I got frustrated, and I stopped. And I was just looking at my boner. And then I came like a drop. Precum.

Yeah. I have no idea. Can I tell you something? If you come looking at a penis, even if it's your own, you're gay. That's my policy. So I'm glad. We found out through this set tonight that you're not actually a lesbian.

You're a gay man. Congratulations, Trey. How about another hand for Trey Thompson, everyone? We love Trey. I discovered Trey when he was 21 years old. Came up to me after a show and I told him to fucking keep doing stand-up. Now I sort of regret

that. No, I'm kidding. How about one more time for Trey Thompson, everyone? Alright. It's the only human being I even... Well, actually, no. There is one little special guest that we have coming up later. But we have a... Let's meet someone new again.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jeff Lynch, everyone. Here we go. Jeff Lynch is going to be coming any second here. Here he comes. Here we go. Come on, one more time for Jeff Lynch, everybody. I was talking to my fat friend recently.

He told me that he had athlete's foot. I had to break it to him. I was like, man, you're not an athlete, dude. Well, you got his fat guy foot. You get athlete's foot from doing athletics, not from forgetting to wear your socks at the airport security line. I got athletes foot when I was in Vietnam and I'm not an athlete either man. I got communism foot, like everybody's got. I think they all got athletes foot over there. But in a different

communist country, I stepped in a pile of shit and I realized that it's a pile of human shit and it was China but, you know, San Francisco you can step in piles of human shit too, but you have apps for that. So that's really like the real difference between capitalism and communism is we have apps so you don't step in human shit. But whatever, that's all I got.

Wow. Jeff Lynch. Hell yeah. How's it going, buddy? Grab that microphone. Heck yeah. Look at this. World traveler Jeff Lynch, huh? My goodness. You look like you've never left Des Moines once in your entire life. Yeah. You look like the bounty boy. I look like a Des Moines guy? I mean, yeah. Yeah, you just look like a plain old boring-ass white guy. What do you think you look like?

I don't know, man. I don't know. He looks like young Charles Darwin. Ah, yes, young Charles Darwin reference. That's a way to cause a ruckus in the audience. That's a hip reference, isn't it? Topical. That's a hip reference, isn't it?

Topical. No, I think you look like a mediocre, untalented Conor McGregor. If he wasn't good at anything, if he could barely speak, if he could barely get a thought out. First time doing stand-up, correct, Jeff? I've done it like ten times, but I'm not. Wow. I'm not trying to do this.

It's just something fun, you know? You've tried to do it ten times, though. That's more than once. I'm not trying to get paid for it, you know? All right. You just like bombing. You're like a terrorist. I get it.

Jeff the Terrorist Lynch. I would say own it. Put it in the name. The bomb artist, Jeff Lynch. I do like his last name, though. Whoa. He's a serial killer. Jack the Ripper, everybody.

Come on. I'm Jack the Ripper. Jeff, what do you do for work? I'm an analyst. What are you analyzing? I know it's not comedy. Yeah, no kidding. Just loan documents.

Work for a big bank. Oh, okay. Talking to the mic a little bit more. Working for a big bank, Jeff. How long have you been doing that for? Three years. Three years. What do you like to do for fun?

What makes you different than everybody else? I do Muay Thai, and I make my own pickles and hot sauce. I don't know. Oh, wow. Pickles and hot sauce. Muay Thai. Did you bring any pickles or hot sauce with you tonight? No. I'm at home, man.

Wow. Wow. So all these world travels, you save your money from working at the bank and then you go visit places. Why Vietnam? Well, my wife and I worked in Korea

teaching English. So then we got an opportunity to go to Vietnam. Got to really talk at the tip of that microphone. Yeah, first time. Well, 11th time actually. Yeah, but we taught English in Korea.

So then we got to go to China, Taiwan, Japan, Vietnam. It was awesome. Oh, cool. So you teach English, too. Do you get paid to do that? Wow. All right. Well, that's fun.

What actually did you talk about? I could not follow what you were saying. It was really bad. I don't want him to repeat it again. It had something to do with stepping in poop. Everybody has athlete's foot. Capitalism and communism is just like all like anti-funny stuff. It was like the opposite of, it's really the opposite of comedy.

One of the absolute most silent sets I've ever heard in the history of this show. It was almost mind boggling. Jeff, did the other 10 go better? What'd you say? Did the other 10 sets before this go better? I mean, not really. About the same, right. Exactly.

Basically, you could get the reaction you got here tonight alone at your place. Just run it by your wife. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe your wife's laughing at these things. Does she laugh a lot? I don't know. Sometimes. All right.

What does she do? My wife's a graphic designer. Graphic designer. Sometimes. All right. What does she do? My wife's a graphic designer. Graphic designer. Jack the Ripper. I'm about to kill this guy because he keeps dropping the mic slowly, slowly, slowly, making me angry. Every time he answers a question, he slowly just starts to... He puts it in his beard.

All right. All right. So, Jeff, is there... You know what I mean? Like, you have a weird family or something like that? Parents still together? Everything's normal? Normal childhood? Yeah. What or something like that. Parents still together. Everything's normal. Normal childhood.

Yeah. What's it like to be the son of Mumford? That's a hip reference. There you go. Pretty normal upbringing. My dad was a cop, but that's probably the most weird thing. Your dad was a cop. Yeah.

He's not a cop anymore. He's retired. He's retired. He's a sheriff of our county up north. Very cool. Where's that at? Where are you from he's a sheriff of our county up north oh very cool where's that at where are you from uh charles city iowa way up north way up north what's the population about 8 000 people 8 000 people my god you might be one of the best comedians in charles city iowa hopefully man what did that microphone cable do to you? Like, why? What's happening?

11th time doing comedy and he's already ready to hang himself like one of the greats. At least you're doing something like a great comic, Jeff. That would be his first confirmed kill. My goodness. What's something else that we would be interested to know about?

Do you have any fun hobbies or anything? I mean, you travel the world, but there must be something about you, something that you do, right, for fun? For fun? What makes you happy? I don't know. Like normal people's stuff? I don't know.

Just like watching movies and hanging out with my friends. Yeah, what do you and your friends tend to do? You guys have a favorite thing that you like to do? Like Jeremiah and I like to play pool. Oh, like go hiking and biking hiking and biking man wow pretty boring guy i guess no i mean maybe i mean sort of like definitely absolutely uh hundred percent yeah um wow jeff i don't think i've ever had this much trouble with an interview before. Wow.

It's almost mind-boggling. Did you, as you said your father was a cop, did he ever bust you for anything? Yeah, I got busted with weed one time. Jeff, you have to talk into the fucking microphone, man. What is happening here? What did your dad do when he caught you with the marijuana? Now speak into the microphone. I might hit your dad! Keep the fucking...

Eat the fucking mic. Put the mic in your fucking mouth if you have to, Jeff. Put it in the beard like a bird in the bush. He did like the... He like planned it out, I think. He's in the garage. I came out and he like took the bag and unraveled it and had the weed in there. It was really lame.

I don't know. All right. Jeff, I don't know what you thought was going to happen here tonight. I came for the show. No, it's okay. Geez, don't make me feel bad. My God. I know you came for the show, but you also signed up.

You don't have to sign up to see the show. It's not mandatory. You know that, right? You could have just came and watched people do exactly what you just did. And you could have enjoyed it. You could have been like, man, I'm glad I didn't sign up. But instead, you're the guy that did sign up. And you're going to be like, yikes.

But you did it, you know? I mean, what can I say? At least you had the courage to come up here with basically nothing. And then during the interview part, basically give us nothing to work with. And that, my friend, that, I basically, I mean, I've really never seen anyone with that much swagger to really just go, I don't see what the problem is. I'm boring, and I don't have shit to talk about.

But it's like, it's okay. I mean, it's like showing up to, like, a music showcase with no instruments or practice or really anything. You know what? There you go. But you did it. Jeff Lynch, everyone. Can I ask one question? No. Is that always that small?

What? On the road it is. There he goes, Jeff Lynch, everyone. You guys want to boo him? Boo him. Boo this man. Go ahead. Oh, that was annoying.

Yeah, I mean, at least if you're going to suck, just at least talk into the microphone, people. My God, it's like so fucking simple. Please don't sign up if you really don't have anything. You know, like, just sit and watch. I mean, there's so many people that have practiced nervously. They're shaking right now. I heard some people tell me that they sweat every time my hand goes into the bucket.

And then you have this guy just doesn't give a shit about shit over here. Oh, who cares? Wow, okay. You know what? I'm going to actually save this for later, but this guy has a little bit of a magic touch. Yeah, that's the one surprise. That's the

one other guy that I know. Look at that. He signed up. Oh, this is exciting. Look at that. One word name, Sharpie marker, all the magical components here. Put your hands together for Gorilla. Gorilla. Gorilla.

I think this whole thing's about to pick up. Here he is. Come on, everyone. Put your hands together for Gorilla. Yeah, I know what you're wondering. Why the mask? Well, it's because I'm a pilot, and I want to keep things a little bit anonymous for myself. And I became a pilot because I was afraid of dying alone.

But you guys ever heard of the Mile High Club? Anyone? It's where you do it on the plane. So you know what it's called when the pilot's masturbating on the plane? It's called a hijacking. Brings a whole new meaning to cockpit. Anyways, speaking of porn, it's like incest porn is on the rise right now. And I don't personally see the appeal, but I think it's fine as long as they say no chromo.

no chromo. Anyways, planes are great and all, but they're like my second favorite mechanical vehicle. My first favorite would have to be a Segway. So, coffee. Coffee is great. I love it when the

baristas are kind of sad and depressed because it makes everything just a little more bitter. Fuck yeah. Gorilla, everybody. My how everything has changed. I immediately love you so much more than the last guy. Normally, I'm sort of like anti, I guess, mask.

I think that that's a thing. But you know what? You have a good reason, dude. You're protecting your career, and you still wanted to try out some jokes, and I fucking love that. I respect the hell out of that. So that's true. You're a professional pilot? Yeah, I'm a commercial pilot.

I'm doing your dream job. Say that again? I'm doing your dream job. Exactly, yes. I want to be a commercial pilot so badly. How long have you been doing that for? About two and a half years now. Two and a half years. When's your next flight?

Tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning? Where are you going? I'm just doing some survey flights right now. Do you know where you're going tomorrow morning? All over Illinois area. Oh, just circle flights. You're just like doing small jaunts. No, no. I do survey work out here. Serving.

Yeah, I take a bunch of pictures of various farmlands and stuff all day, all night. Oh, surveying. Yeah. Yeah, surveying. Got you, got you, got you. All right. Well, that's fucking cool. And you've been doing that for a couple of years?

I'm just doing it for the summer right now. How'd you learn how to fly? My mom's a pilot as well. She flies 737s, and she's currently in training for 767s. That is so fucking cool. You just gave Tony a little boner down there. Yes, yes. Exactly.

I do it. Is anybody else not impressed that a monkey is talking on stage right now? Hey, man, it's bananas. Jack, he's not really a monkey. What do you mean he's not a monkey? He's wearing a mask. I have a question for you. So if you, you know, like the flight simulators

and stuff like that, do you think if you got like really good at that, you'd be able to have any kind of chance to fly a plane? I mean, yeah, anyone can really fly a plane. Yeah, the guy, it actually happened, that guy that hijacked a plane in Seattle, that thing that happened that everybody knows about,

that was from a flight simulator. He didn't really do that well. He ended up dying. He meant to kill himself, Redman. Wow. Anyway, let's talk about you, Gorilla. You have a girlfriend or anything? No, I'm a single guy right now.

Yeah? Is it something that you think benefits you being a pilot? Like, do you get to meet people? Or you just sort of keep landing at the same airport, it seems like, right? Well, I'm based out of one area, but I go all over the place in Illinois. But, no, I enjoy it. It's always fun to meet new people and go and experience new places. Isn't it crazy that Gorilla is also the best-looking comedian that's been on stage here tonight?

I mean, it's sort of crazy. That's how ugly these people are here is a guy in a Gorilla mask is the most attractive gentleman. This is like Brad Pitt of Des Moines, Iowa. I love it. So, Gorilla, you've been single a while? Yeah, about six months now. Yeah. What happened six months ago?

You cheated on the... All right, forget it. Well, I found this guy's sister, brother, or whoever it was earlier. Yeah. What happened? Were you in a relationship? Yeah, I was about six months into a relationship. She didn't cheat on me or anything.

I knew I was going to be moving for work so I didn't want to string anyone along. I've been in a long distance relationship before and it just didn't work out. Right, right. What do you do when you're not flying planes? Any other hobbies or anything like that? I actually rollerblade, Tony.

Whoa, really? Did you bring rollerblades with you? I did actually bring rollerblades. You have rollerblades here right now? Yes. Really? Yeah. I don't even know what to make him do with them, but I just, I don't know. And the last guy got so offended when I asked him if he had hot sauce or pickles here.

This guy has bloody rollerblades here. Did you rollerblade here? No, no. I was over in Iowa City earlier, and I just came here. And I had some time to spare, so I figured I might as well have some fun. I fucking love it. You have a roller blade in your gorilla mask? I do not roller blade in the gorilla mask. I bought the mask

just for this. Wow, that is so fucking cool. It's hot, isn't it? Is it hot under there? It's a little sweaty, I'm not gonna lie. How close are these roller blades? What was that? How close are they? Uh... Four rows in? Five rows in? Yeah, right there.

They're here in the house? Yeah. Wow, Jack the Ripper. What do you think we should have this guy do? This is a pretty open space back here. Just have him go back and forth? You just want to be part of the set? I mean, why? You want to be part of the set for a little bit?

Go throw on your rollerblades and come back and just sort of go around in circles in the background? Would you guys like that if Gor in circles in the background? Would you guys like that if Gorilla was in the background? What do you think, Gorilla? Sure, I guess. Alright, there he goes. He's about to be part of the stage, everyone. Gorilla. Thank you. How about a hand? This is a great set.

First time ever doing stand-up. I love that. I mean, you know, you had great jokes, by the way. Oh, shit. The rollerblades just came to him. That is incredible. Wow, okay. Des Moines really wants to see a monkey roller skate.

Well, I mean, it was a very fun set, Gorilla, and, you know, anytime that you see Kill Tony around, fucking sign up, and we hope to see you again Kill Tony around fucking sign up and we hope to see you again this was very exciting and I think what I really love about this is I find it to be a cool opportunity for

listeners that perhaps have a crazy career that maybe can't literally can not be on this show to sort of you can you're an inspiration you're sort of living a secret double life and those people can fucking go get a mask and sign up as a. You're sort of living a secret double life and those people can fucking go get a mask and sign up as a goofy name and sort of stay

undercover as long as we don't mention what they do. So there you go. He's going to throw on some rollerblades and hang out with us for the rest of the show. One more time good and loud for Gorilla, everybody. So we're going to have a gorilla live rollerblading back and forth on the back of the stage because Des Moines is a special place.

You know what I mean? So, gorilla, go back in that corner over there because I'm going to pull another name out of the bucket, and then when this person's done doing their, let them finish their minute or whatever, and then whenever you're ready, just start rollerblading back and forth in the background of the stage. If you could go backwards at one point, also.

I think he's going to have about an hour and 15 minutes to go backwards. This is still pretty early in the show. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Clayton Baker, everybody. Clayton Baker. Wow, here he is.

Very fast. Very good. What's up, Des Moines? Happy pride, everybody. Just drove in from Winnipeg today, Canada. That's right. I had a Maidwright sandwich on my way in. I don't know what's sloppier, a Maidwright or my girlfriend's pussy after a 12-hour drive. I saw some bison on the way in Anyone see some bison around here? You guys have great deals on weed down here I got an eighth of weed and three cobs of corn for 30 bucks The only problem was I think they were grown on the same plant

Mids, I guess that's the way they call it The Midwest I hate driving down the border these days Because ever since we legalized weed in Canada The cops always want to ask you about it, the border cops You pull up to the window It's a fat Republican in a Paul Blart Halloween costume. He looks down and he says, do you smoke marijuana, son? And I never want to lie to the border agents because

that just makes matters worse. So I always look up and I say, no, sir, I don't smoke marijuana. I only do psychedelics and amphetamines. To make matters worse, he asked me what I was doing in America. I said, well, sir, I'm coming down to the United States this week to kill Tony. And then he stuck his hand up my ass. So interesting note, sorry to jump in. I met Tony Hinchcliffe six years ago in a hockey rink in the middle of Canada, Lloydminster, Alberta. He was opening for Joe Rogan, and I met him in the back. And I said, one day I'm going to come down, and I'm going to come to the Comedy Store, and I'm really going to do this. I'm going to show you a very good minute.

Not quite the Comedy Store, but here we are, Des Moines. Thank you. There you go. Clayton Baker. You did it. Is that true? I met you in Lloyd Minster? Yeah, Lloyd Minster. We were in the back hallway. Hey, look at this. Gorilla. Heck, yeah. The people are loving it already. Gorilla is going back and forth on Rollerblades.

And it has begun. He's very smooth. He might fall at one point. He's got a little stripper pole back there. A gorilla-sized stripper pole. My goodness, this is exciting. You signed a copy of my Bert Kreischer book. Oh, very cool. Heck yeah.

I'm guessing it didn't have a cover on it? I don't think it did. That's a Bert Kreischer shirtless joke for you because he takes his shirt off a lot. Didn't have a cover. The book. Book cover. Okie dokie. Clayton, you are Canadian and this was a 12-hour

drive for you? Yeah, I'm here six shows, so I'm with you guys till Minneapolis. Wow, that is so fucking cool. I have... Oh, sorry. You're going to stay in the country. So when we go to L.A. tomorrow, what are you going to do? We're going camping. I brought some fishing rods down.

We're going to go to the Wisconsin Dells, check out Devil's Lake State Park, catch some fish. Wow. I'm with my girlfriend. She does not want to be here. She listens to the podcast, and it gives her anxiety. It takes a long time to learn how to listen, what you're listening for, so she just hears Tony Hinchcliffe, top young rising comedian

and I have to listen with headphones on after that. Who says that? Who says Tony Hinchcliffe, top young rising comedian? I do. Oh, okay. You say it. I say it out loud. Let's check in with Jack. Did you say your girlfriend is here in the house? She's watching the Stanley Cup Finals.

The St. Louis Blues are about to lift the Stanley Cup. If anyone has a score update... I told her to send me live updates. I don't have Wi-Fi in here, though. I don't know what you just said, but it sounded Canadian as fuck. Now, you talked a lot about your girlfriend. Is she aware that she has a sloppy pussy? She took a good long shower at the Airbnb today,

so I couldn't compare the maid right, really. It was good. Damn, this is very interesting. Are you planning on getting any of this pussy? Yeah, that's why I'm on my way over. That's why I'm so calm, I'm relaxed, I got my minute out. Wow, my goodness, look at you. You are one of the most confident Canadians I've ever met in my entire life.

I mean, you're talking about her sloppy pussy, but you're wearing a fleece hoodie with a chain, brother. It's true. In your fucking Canadian pajamas over here. Tell us some more about you, Clayton. What do you do for a living? I'm a radio technician up in Winnipeg, so

a similar story to Jeremiah, where we work in morning radio. I get up at 5 a.m. every day, do the weather on air, and it's more of a news-based program, so I can't exercise my creativity, but it gives me some good performance skills. You don't get to be one of those wacky morning radio DJs? You don't ever get to? 95.9

FM, CFCR, you're listening to... No, I can't do it. Wow, yeah, you're right. One day, one day. You just do the weather? Is that all you do? I'm the technician, so I pick all the music. I hit all the buttons.

Oh, cool. Heck yeah. You know the deal. Fucking Canadian morning radio. Just fucking... Fuck. Fucking bobbity, bobbity boring. What do you expect to do with radio tech work with the end of radio happening?

Oh, I don't know about that. Do you think your radio friends are going to be happy that you're on the number one live podcast in the world? I think they will be. There's a lot of people back home. A medium that is killing their entire industry. Yeah, exactly. I get a chance to tell a lot of good stories, and we can focus those on longer formats. So maybe podcasting is the way to go.

Fuck yeah, Clayton. I like your style. You remind me of my nephew. What else about you, Clayton? I host an experimental radio show as well on the college station so it's a lot of like power electronics, noise music and I play a little bit of that as well so lots of harsh noise type stuff You play any music yourself?

Yeah, noise, experimental so like synthesizers You play the instrument of noise? Yeah It's like anti-music. I'm working on a black metal album right now, a solo black metal album. Wow, black metal.

You look more white metal to me. I love it. Wow, Clayton. How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? A tumultuous one and a half years. It's going great now that we moved in together a couple months ago and things are starting to smooth out a little bit.

Yeah, why weren't they smooth before? I did a little bit of running around. To smooth out a Canadian relationship, do you have to run a Zamboni over it? Pretty well. There's a lot of steps to it. Yeah, what was going on in the relationship? Why was it rough? I was running around a little bit.

I'm pretty young, so I went, yeah, boo, please boo. Wow. So I'm very thankful that she stuck through it, and I think we've worked things out. Man, who did you hook up with while you were with her? It was mostly just online messages, like Tinder shit. Oh. Just had a Tinder active profile and stuff like that. Yeah. He said, running around, like Tinder shit. It just had a Tinder active profile and stuff

like that. You said running around, I want numbers. How many? Just dirty Tinder conversations. Heck yeah. Could you give us an example of one? Do you remember anything that you said to one of the Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not part of this show at all, I promise. Or don't yell anything wherever the fuck you are. Bunch of buffoons. I'm really worried about the jokes I'm doing up here. I tried a couple out and she's like, you can't joke about that. That's her real fucking life. Like what?

What can't you joke about? She's like, I really have a sloppy pussy. Don't talk about it. You can't tell people about it. They're going to associate me with it. That was the least of the worries. This is a serious issue. I don't want to spoil the rest of the minutes.

We've got a long week ahead of us. Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? Spoil the rest of the minutes. Yeah, gorilla. Fuck yeah. I love it. Look at you.

Got a curious gorilla on rollerblades. Only here in Des Moines, Iowa. on rollerblades only here in Des Moines, Iowa. Can he tell one more joke but like the gorilla go behind him so he thinks he's getting the laughs? Yeah, gorilla.

It's actually the gorilla that's really entertaining that's rolling by. Can we do it? When he hits a punchline come out and do something silly. come out and do something silly. I fucking love Gorilla. I'm going through a breakup right now. My girlfriend doesn't know about it quite yet.

I thought I'd do all the emotional work first and let her figure it out later. Wow. Alright, let's keep it out later. Oh. Wow. All right, let's keep it moving along. There goes Clayton Baker, everybody. He's following us around all week. That's a real fucking Kill Tony fan. Come on, put your hands together for him.

And how about, Gorilla, are you comfortable up here? Are you having fun? You chilling? You're a little hot? Yeah, take your jacket off. Feel free to... What? You know what?

Why don't we put a hand together for Gorilla, everybody? You can go back to your seat. There he goes. He looks a lot like from behind Jeremiah Watkins, by the way. It's sort of frightening. Did you notice that, Jeremiah? This might be a long-lost brother of yours. I don't know who Jeremiah is. It could be him. That's Jack the

Ripper. All right. How about one more time? Oh, wait. He's changing rollerblades. I'll let him go. I'll let him go. Indeed. Last thing we want is a gorilla to break his hip on this show. All right. Pull the name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Earl Powell, everyone. Right from the middle. Come on. Where is he? There he comes. Coming from this side. Coming from the left side. Earl Powell. Lots of energy.

I love it. Come on. One more time for Earl Powell, everyone. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, so. Oh, no. Oh, no.

That was my first joke. So my... The Pride Festival is going on. That's the joke. So my girlfriend says, I can never really shave my head, and I wonder why. She just said I look like a Kraken.

I thought the itching would show it off. Ooh, kill me. But so a frog hops to a bank. So a frog hops to a bank to get a loan. And he hops to the bank teller and he asks, hey, Mrs. Teller, I have to read the nameplate. May I get a loan? And the bank teller, Mrs. Wack, she goes,

you know, you need a collateral. And he goes, well, here's a little pink porcelain pony. And she looks at it very confused. And she also asks, what's his name? Really messing up this joke. And he goes, Kermit Jagger. And it's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, get the frog alone,

his old man's a rolling stone, and goodbye. Wow. Wow. All right. Earl Powell. Shut the fuck up. How dare you? Hey, there goes the gorilla, everybody. One more time for gorilla.

Yeah, they love the gorilla. Crowd favorite gorilla. How dare you guys boo a seven-year-old boy after his first time ever doing stand-up, clearly. I'm gonna call my mommy. Oh, my God. Earl, how old are you? 19.

I had to think about that. No, you're not. Yeah. 16. All right. What's the honest number? 19. Really?

Holy shit. I know. I don't look like it. No, you're amazing amazing you look like the little boy from two and a half men jack the ripper what do you think about this guy it looks like when he was born the doctor stuffed him in a locker he's got braces he's got thick christmas story style glasses on you got the whole fucking thing you're like if clark kent turned into super boy you have you always looked young no no when he was three he looked old what the fuck

i guess so i thought black didn't crack what i thought black didn't crack. What? I thought black didn't crack. Yeah, you are something else. Do you have brothers and sisters? Three older sisters. Three older sisters. Dude, they look young. Red band. Let me see a picture. All right.

Fuck yeah. So you live here in Des Moines, Iowa? Yeah. How did you even find out about this show? My friend brought up the show to me. Hell yeah. And this was your first time doing stand-up comedy? No.

Don't laugh like that. Yeah. I bombed at the first one, too. What did you say? I bombed at the first one, too. You bombed at the first one, too. Where was that at? The last laugh. Last laugh. That's here

in Des Moines? Yeah. Okay. Very cool. I was the last one, but they didn't laugh. How long have you had braces on for? Two years. Two years. How much longer till you get them off? July. July. And you really have a girlfriend? Uh-huh. How long have you been with her? Yeah, when did you build her? Can't believe it. What? I said, when did he build her? Is she a robot? I had to put on a bra strap, and the storm happened.

Where did you meet your girlfriend at? Come and go. And then I came, and I went. Is that true? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Was she working the register?

She was working the register, and yeah, I came and I left, and she yelled at me. Is that your attempt at a joke? Oh, yeah. I mean, all of them are pretty much.

Yeah. So where'd you meet her? Come and go. Really? Was she really working the register? What? Yeah, she was working the register.

And then what were you, you were getting what, some Sour Patch Kids or something like that? M&M's. Was your pickup line, I want to come, but I don't want to go? Heck yeah. So how did it go down? She asked you for your ID and you asked her for your number? Yeah.

I fucked that up. Go ahead. How'd it go down? I just asked her for her number. Well, I left i was like damn i sure got a number and my buddy uh miguel he was like you should go get a number and i left and i went and got a number can you give us can you while looking at the audience can you give an example of uh what it's like you asking for the girl's number can you just look at them like that you looked at her and ask for her number? I go, hi. I got a new phone.

Can I get your number? Hey, look at that. Pretty good. Heck, yeah. This lady likes it right here. I look just as nervous on stage as I am in person. Did you do the itchy head thing too? You're like, hi.

Oh, yeah. The old hair off the glasses. Hell, yeah. So what are you doing? You going to school or something? No, I'm in a band with my friend trying to make music. You're in a band? Yeah, what's the name of your band?

So-So. Yeah, I guess. Much like your comedy. It describes the music too. What do you play on So-So? I play guitar. Yeah, do you sing at all? Can you give us a couple lines from a So-So song? Ha ha!

You want acapella or should we bring it up on Spotify? You can bring it up on Spotify. Okay, how do you spell it? S-O-S-O? S-O-S-O. S-O-S-O. All one word. Let's see what happens.

So-So song is on Spotify. Not on iTunes anymore because I don't know what happened. All right, relax. Relax. What's the go-to song that you would do if we... You got bullied off of iTunes as well?

What's the song that you would do if we were going to do... Oh, that's not it. That's a different... Oh, well. We'll do Rainpores, or What Happened After the Rainpores, spelled incorrectly. Rainpores. What Happens After the Rainpores. Did you write that song? Yep.

Yeah? You write all the songs for So-So? Mm-hmm. So you're writing So-So? Yeah. So-So. Man, your girlfriend go to those shows a lot. Is this it? Yeah. Yeah, that's you. Come on, sing it for us, dude.

Here it is. A little something. After the rain pours. What happens after the rain pours? Does it shed a little, then leave more? Or does it puddle up, then leave more? Or does it put all of its stain on the floor? What happens after? Right, Forrest.

Wow. So you were walking with him. All right, all right, all right. That's enough. My God. All right, all right. That's enough. My God.

You're like Kurt Cobain if the listeners killed themselves after that. What happened to the rain? You seem like you were in pain when you were singing. Yeah, it sounded like you were getting your braces tightened while you recorded the music. Is that sort of your style? Yeah, the an emo boy. Oh, okay. What's the most emo thing about you?

You have a softer side? I wear black socks. You wear what? Black socks. That's emo. What a rebel. Yeah. My goodness.

What's the manliest thing about you? You seem like a... I have a penis. Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Yeah, but... That's still up for debate, and you know it. And you call it a penis and not a cock or something like manly.

You're like, I got a penis. I have a wiener. Heck yeah. You don't have a wee wee and two tiddly winks, huh? I love it. You definitely don't look like an Earl. Has anybody told you that before? No, everyone actually said,

you know, you look like an Earl. Really? Because the name is so ugly. I don't really see it. You look more like a fucking like a like a teddy. Teddy. Or fucking. Or Zach. Wow, you do look like a Zach. You're right. Z-A-K.

Heck yeah. Alright. Did you ever wear your backpack front ways in high school? Because that's what you look like. Like you're the kid who's afraid of getting stuff stolen out of your backpack. So you put it on the front side and you're like, these zippers are only for me and me only.

You ever do that? Have you? Have you ever done that? Have you ever worn your backpack before? Oh, no. Oh, wow. I had no homework to steal. Damn, look at you.

All right, Earl. Well, I mean, you're fucking 19 years old. You're knocking it out. You're singing in a horrible band. So-so. Yeah, you're doing things that most people go their whole lives wishing that they would have started at your age. And you already have a good head start. So I'm excited to see you again, chat with you in the future.

There goes Earl Powell, everybody. On to the next one. I know that song. That's Julia Michaels, right? Uh-huh. Ah, from Iowa, another local reference. How about a hand for the band here? Playing new music. Iowa songs. All right. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Make some noise

for Mike Gettler, everyone. Come on, Mike Gettler. Here we go. He's coming right down the middle. You guys having fun out there tonight or what? Here he is. If you wanted it done right, you'd do it yourself. That's what I say after I make love to a woman. I started a fictional Wikipedia page about myself when I drank too much. And according to Drunk Mike, I was once punched in the face by current hot dog eating world champion Joey Chestnut. After I called him a human glory hole for pig scraps.

According to Drunk Mike, I have an advice column for couples in BDSM relationships called Untie Me So We Can Talk. And according to Drunk Mike, I once begged a girl not to come so I could maintain my perfect record. That's what I got. Okay, 50 seconds from Mike Gettler. Very good. So Mike, you've done stand-up comedy before, am I correct? Yes, I started in February.

Started in February here in Des Moines? Des Moines, Iowa, yes. This is where you were born and raised? No, I'm a military brat. I was born in Hawaii. That's where my mom's uterus was. Wow. And then lived here, back and forth between here and California since then.

Oh, very cool. And you live here now mostly? Yes. Why is that? Why is that? Well, I love Iowa, actually. Sure. I lived in California.

Yeah. Of course. I lived in California as an adult, too. But being able to get from one side of town to the other in 25 minutes is pretty dope. Yeah. That is pretty dope. other in 25 minutes is pretty dope yeah that is pretty dope thank you that is pretty dope uh some of us would say depends on the town but if that's all that matters to you getting from one side of the town to the other then sure fuck yeah buddy you got it this is fucking heaven you're right don't ever leave here never gets better than this. Absolutely 100%. 25 minutes from one side of the town to the next.

What do you do for work, Mike? I am transitioning. I should be starting a new job this week. Congratulations on pride. Yeah. Transitioning. Jobs. I was selling animal feed ingredients. Now I'll be

doing digital service service sales so like google adwords stuff like that uh-huh you're getting out of the animal what animal feed ingredients oh wow what does that mean like i mean what uh what does that entail that type of job taking uh chemicals to put into animal feed here in Iowa and the Northeast. And yeah, it's as boring as it sounds. Right, right, right. What do you do for fun? I do stand-up here in Des Moines.

I do music in my free time. What do you do with music? I have a little home studio making music that nobody hears it's not on spotify so right sorry what do you do you just work with the computers though no instruments yeah pro tools no yeah uh no i do pro tools and i play guitar i play bass and then i program everything else it's just kind of a personal fun very cool very. You have a girlfriend? Married? No, not married. Seeing somebody and, yeah. How long have you been seeing them for?

Probably three, four months now. Three or four months now. What does she do? What does she do? Or what does he do? Whatever. She works with the company here that does like painting and stuff like that.

Do you say paint? She works with a company that does paint? Painting. But she really does art. Oh, she does art. Very good. Where'd you guys meet? We've known each other for a long time.

Fuck yeah, man. Just started. Fuck yeah. Wow, these interviews are just flying. Sometimes the shit just writes itself. Where'd you meet? We've known each other a long time. Oh, that's a great fucking location.

I could drive across that location in 25 minutes, that's for sure. Did you say paint? We met like 10 years ago through a mutual friend. Oh, okay. That's an answer. On again, off again. Yeah, it is in it. Did you say paint? We met like 10 years ago through a mutual friend. Oh, okay. That's an answer. On again, off again. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Thank you. Well, that's cool, Mike. That's a lot of fun.

Do you have a normal family? Parents still together? No. How long have they been divorced when you were eight? I don't really know the birth mom at all for years.

Eight months. But my stepmom is my mom. She's amazing. Got me tickets here for this. Wow, look at that. Normally, yeah, normally. She's stuck in the Houston airport not seeing new kids on the block right now.

Delayed. She went to Houston to see new kids on the block? No so she went to houston to see new kids on the block no she went to houston to watch um her uh her niece graduate from high school and then her flight got delayed so new kids on the block is down the road oh oh oh oh gotcha what uh what uh what scares you what are you afraid of must be something. Heights. Don't like heights. Yeah.

Really? Yeah, my grandpa likes to shake ladders when I'm helping him cut branches. And I don't think it's very funny. Yeah. I hate that. I love that. I love it.

Did you grow up really strict because of the military thing? Really strict dad? Yes. Yes. Dad was very strict early on. because of the military thing? Really strict dad? Yes, yes. Dad was very strict early on, then mom was really strict later on, and now they're both cool.

I think dad's idea was like, I'm going to be really hard on him now, and then he can go do his thing. You think it fucked you up in any way? No, not really. Maybe for a period of time there, but I think at some point you just kind of grow up and you realize you guys were just figuring this shit out too, doing the best you can.

Yeah, what branch of the military is your dad in? Dad was a Marine. I was a Marine. Little brother's in Afghanistan right now. Wow. You're a goddamn American hero. Headshot. Look at that, you badass motherfucker.

You ever go overseas? Yeah, I did Iraq and Afghanistan, buy one, get one. It was dope. Wow, fucking amazing. That's incredible. That's wild that you went to Iraq and Afghanistan because your name got pulled at exactly 9-11. A little fun fact for you.

You can't even make this shit up. I noticed it when the name was pulled. It's now 9-18. You're exactly seven minutes into this interview part. Fun fact for you. Jack the Ripper. Yes. As a Marine, do you have, like, tactical training, like fighting skills?

Yes. Okay. Could we perhaps... Yes. Could I come at him with my knife and see what happens? Yeah. Can you just perhaps in slow motion without hurting him. Don't hurt him. Yeah, don't hurt him. Okay. Whatever you do,

don't hurt Jack the Ripper. I like how you checked in with him like, I'll kill him right now if you give me the permission. Yeah, can you just sort of show us. Jack the Ripper is a famous serial killer. Here we go. You guys excited about this? Mike Gettler, the son of a Marine, the brother of a Marine, himself a Marine.

Yeah, he's got a cane, but he's going to try with that knife. Totally real knife. Here he comes. He's walking around. I'm just a little old man. Don't worry about me. Excuse me, sir. Do you have any change?

Oh, okay. All right. And where do we go from here? Accept it. Wow. That was awesome. For those of you listening to the show, Jack the Ripper tried to ask for change.

The guy with his hands out said no. Jack the Ripper took a shot at him with his cane in the leg. Mike no-sold it, as we call it in pro wrestling, when you don't react to something. And then we went from slow motion to extremely slow motion on that stab. I thought he was going to kiss my neck from behind. He was so gentle. He was really nice.

You should have broken my arm, you pussy marine. What are you doing here? Let's go again. I love it. I'll cut you with this plastic knife right here. Mike, I loved your style, man. Little hints of silly, aggressive. You had energy.

You had well-written jokes. I love what you're doing, and you should keep doing it, and hopefully we'll see you next time we're around here. Hell yeah. One more time for Mike Gettler, everyone. Heck yes. Hell yeah. We're having fun.

Oh, shit. Listen to the ladies squeal as Mike Gettler, Marine. Ladies are impressed how he manhandled Jack the Ripper. Okay, pulled another name out. Here we fucking go. Mitch Mavis, everyone. Mitch Mavis. Mitch Mavis, here he is.

Come on, one more time for Mitch. What's up, guys? Start off here. Fuck Nebraska. So we had Pride Week this week, right? Gay people, they're good, right? We like them. Hey, I'm all for homosexuals getting married.

I think it's great. I think it's very great we legalize that across America. What I'm not okay with is homosexual interracial marriage. I just feel like they're going one step over the top. A little bit too far down the road. I don't know if there's any turning back, though. I don't know. We'll see.

A little bit about me. I spent some time in the military as well. I was in the Army for four years. A lot of masturbation. A lot of booze. You want to finish it? You want to finish that one? That's all I got.

Thanks, Tony. Okay, there we go. Mitch Mavis. Mitch Mavis, everyone. They're booing you. That was a risky joke you did there with interracial gay marriage. That's an interesting one. I think we were all looking for the punchline there, Jack the Ripper.

Yeah, I hate to tell you that. That wasn't a joke. That's just interesting one. I think we were all looking for the punchline there. Jack the Ripper? Yeah, I hate to tell you that. That wasn't a joke. That's just how he feels. Yeah. I think so. That was some real honest things. That's what it felt. What is it that angers you the most about interracial? We're talking about dudes only, right? You wouldn't be mad if a white chick married a black woman,

right? I guess I'd be okay with it. But dudes, there's something about two different races of dudes getting married that bothers you a little bit. Can you explain maybe just a touch what it is and does it anger you more if it's a white bottom and a black top? Yeah, he calls that coloring outside the lines. Yeah, he calls that coloring outside the lines.

Jack the Ripper. I'm actually not too upset with it, Tony. I love gay people. Really? You love all gay people or just white ones? I love them all, Tony. I don't think anyone believes you at all, right? Whenever you go, we all love gay people, right?

Your eyes started ticking, you started sweating. Do you have any black friends? I live in Iowa. No, not really. Not one? How many contacts do you think you have in your phone? Total. Non-black people. I'm just talking overall.

One guy from high school, and that's probably about it. He was just on your football team. That don't count. When's the last time you talked to him? About 12 years. 12 years ago you talked to him. His number is still in your phone. Maybe.

Maybe. Wow. Have you ever had any bad uh interactions with black people before no tony no very compelling it's okay you can answer honestly what is it about uh black gay men that you think you don't like the most i thought it was a funny joke i i i'm a big what would you say what'd you say i thought it was a funny joke tony it's okay just relax just funny joke, Tony. It's okay. Just relax. Just answer the question, Mitch.

Everything's okay. There's no wrong answers here on Kill Tony. Just tell us what you don't like about black gay guys. For the audio listeners of the podcast, he's wearing all white, by the way. Yeah. All right. Looks like we're not going to get an answer out of you after all.

Have you ever met a black gay man before? I actually have, yes. Yeah? What did that meeting go down like? And by go down, I mean, was it you that went down or him? I did not. It was actually, I was in Korea when I met the guy. He was a nice guy.

Really nice guy. And he promised you that he would tell you when he was about to come, and he didn't. And that fucking, you've never been able to forgive him since then. Am I close to correct on that? You're getting closer, Tony. All right, Mitch. So what are you, you're a former soldier of some kind? Yeah, I was in the army.

You were in the army. Did you have any tactical training? I did not. No, not really, no. Let me kill him, Tony. Let me do it. No, Jack the Ripper, Let me kill him, Tony. Let me do it. No, Jack the Ripper, you can't kill anybody today.

What do you do now, Mitch? I'm in education. I'm a teacher. Yeah? What are you teaching? Teach those kids right, huh? Listen, little kid, the gays are bad. Are you teaching children or college?

High school. High school. Very cool. What do you teach? PE. You're a gym teacher. Hell yeah. All right.

Well, that's interesting. How long have you been doing that for? Three years now. Three years. What's the creepiest thing that's ever gone down in your classroom? Thing that stood out to you the most? Thing that you think might be most interesting? There's a lot of smells that happen in PE. A lot of kids that don't understand what it means

to be clean. I show them how to clean themselves. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So there's some smelly kids in your classroom. You get used to it after a while. Yeah, I'd imagine so. You get used to it after a while. Yeah, I'd imagine so. You get used to the smell of children after a while.

Which reminds me, there is a Michael Jackson tribute show happening here at Woolies in a couple weeks. I saw the poster on the wall. Is there really? Yeah, there really is. There's the posters right next to ours right over there. It sort of frightened me as I walked by earlier that maybe the news here hasn't hit. But be sure to check it out here at Woolies.

So, Mitch, what do you do for fun when you're not teaching? What are you into? Any hobbies or anything like that? I like to run. I like to hike and be outside. When you say run, do you mean run from gay black men? Bacon soda!

Not exactly. I like trail running and I like to try to go long distances and things like that. That's awesome. Are you a big fan of comedy? Is this something you've always wanted to do? I'm a big fan,

but not really something I've always wanted to do, no. Yeah. When did you decide you were going to go up tonight? When I signed up, like two months ago, maybe. Two months ago? Yeah. Is that when you signed up? When I bought the tickets

two months ago. Oh, gotcha. You bought the tickets two months ago, and you started working on your set. Non-stop, Tony. Nothing else. Alright, Mitch. You fucking son of a Mitch. You fucking got 99 problems, and a Mitch ain't one.

Mitches get stitches where I come from. Let me kill him, Tony. I'll do it right now. I'm Jack the Ripper. No, Jack. Don't kill him. Don't kill him. Don't kill him. Don't kill him.

You know, one of the things is, Mitch, is that when you... By the way, you didn't sell that at all. You're like, don't kill him. Yeah, I know. You know, when you cover... It's a risk-reward thing, comedy is. And when you cover a topic like, you know, I was excited to see where you were going

with this interracial gay couple thing. I'm like, ooh, this is a good, this is a good. By the way, out of everything that was said tonight, best premise goes to you. Execution wise, I mean, really, there was nothing there. And, you know, that's sort of the problem is when you have a premise that good, people are like, wow, what is this misdirect? What is this switch going to be? And it was nothing. It was just a short hate speech with the sound of a kitten at the end of it.

And you don't really see that in hate speeches. Even the kitten was ashamed. Right. The kitten was like, oh. Yeah. Even the kitten was ashamed. Right. The kitten was like, oh. Yeah. So, you know, I like your courage on taking on sort of a topic. Like, there's definitely a punchline there.

If I had fucking a joint in seven minutes, I'd be able to turn that into probably a really great joke. Like, I don't mind gay marriage, but I have a problem with interracial marriage because hat, hat, hat, hat, hat. And, like, I would have it. But I don't have it now. But I'm saying I would have it. And my point is, you know, if you go for an edgy joke like that, you've got to finish it. You know what I mean? And your delivery was so serious that we actually believed that, you know. Right.

It wasn't like, hey, guys. That's a curse I have. I'm too serious it seems like. Yeah, so you have to then be silly what you talk about then. Not double serious or whatever. Jack the Ripper? Yeah, it was like watching Impractical Jokers without the payoff.

But Mitch, again, props to you for signing up. Props to you for having the balls to fucking do it and congratulations on your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. How about that? One more time for Mitch Mavis, everyone. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, let's do, I got something for him.

Want to do that one? Yeah, that works. That's fine. So last night we met a gentleman. We needed a volunteer for something to bench press Donald Trump. Don't ask. Whole different episode. And this guy stood up right away and benched the shit out of Donald Trump.

And he was so entertaining that we gave him a minute right there on the spot. He absolutely destroyed with his minute. He said that he was coming here tonight, that he was going to follow us the next night. So we told him that we would just throw him up when he got here. So doing a little guest spot for you. Put your hands together for a guy that we discovered yesterday for the first time ever. He got pulled out of the bucket earlier, and I put him to the side. Make some noise for a very funny man, Allo Mean, everyone.

Allo Mean. Here he comes. Hey. Yeah, yeah. Come on, people. Good and loud for Allo Mean. First off, I'm glad y'all got rid of that monkey. I had to ACL you on speed dial for you motherfuckers.

Second off, dude was racist and homophobic. He looked like Andrew Zimmerman with full-blown AIDS and shit. I probably just killed my whole minute, but my name is Aloe, like the plant. I always tell people that when I first meet them. It's not a common name. Matter of fact, growing up, I thought I was the only Aloe there was. But then about 10 years ago, this singer got famous, singing a song, begging for money. I need a dollar, dollar, dollar is what I need.

Hey, hey. Aloe Black, you heard of him? You need a job, Aloe Black. Stop stealing people's names. No, hey. Aloe Blacc, you heard of him? You need a job, Aloe Blacc. Stop stealing people's names. I like Aloe Blacc. He's a good singer and everything. But I wanted to find out why he chose Aloe as his stage name and so I Googled him and I couldn't find

out. But I did find out why he couldn't use his real name. Aloe Blacc's real name is Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III. Damn, I have more. That's perfect, though. Perfect. Wow. Aloe The track's real name is Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III. Damn, I have more, that's perfect though. Perfect. Wow, Allo Mean. That is so funny.

God, man. Another very fun set. Welcome, welcome. So remind me, are you from here? Are you from? Born and raised. Born and raised, Des Moines, Iowa. Look at that.

Heck yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my seventh time on stage. Seventh time ever. And he destroyed last night. And a very, very, very, very good set tonight as well. Seventh time ever. How old are you, Aloe? 36.

36. What do you do for work? I drive a semi. That's right. Semi truck. Fuck yeah. You go on long, long routes? I'm local. I work out of Muscatine. Oh, very cool. So you just, you drive all around

Des Moines, get from one side to the next, 25 minutes, best city in the world. Doesn't get any better than that. Can't do that in Tokyo. You ever dated a white woman? I'm actually married to a white woman. Wow, look at that.

Look at this audience fake clapping right now. Look at them. Fucking Des Moines haters. I fucking love it. How long have you been married to a white woman? Going on five, six years. Five or six years. Heck yeah. fucking love it. How long have you been married to a white woman? Going on five, six years. Five or six years. Heck yeah.

I love it. She got a big butt. A little bit thick. She built like one of your semi trucks. She's from Iowa. She's from Iowa too? She's actually from the ice cream capital of the world. Wow.

What is the ice cream capital of the world? Lam. What is the ice cream capital of the world? Lamar's, Iowa. Damn. Look at that. She's not going to be happy about this shit. I fucking like it, man. And where did you meet her at? I met her at school.

At school? At junior college. I didn't want to say it, but yeah, junior college. Junior college. What do you think? We thought you went to Harvard for truck driving? What the fuck are you talking about? Harvard, VCR repair, truck driving.

Just go to Harvard.com online. I love it, man. And what were you studying in junior college? Back then it was business and bullshit, really. Heck yeah. Business and bullshit. And what was she studying? She was me, pretty much. Hell yeah. Heck yeah. Amazing bullshit. And what was she studying?

She was me, pretty much. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. That's a lot to cover. That is one hard final. She wanted some hot fudge on that Sunday. My goodness. Hell yeah.

And wow, that's interesting. And you've been with white women before, right? Yeah yeah have you ever been with a black woman of course is there something that is there something about white women that you prefer uh over a black woman or women are all the same they're beautiful creatures wow that's that's beautiful i couldn't have said it better myself i always say that that women are beautiful creatures even the ones in Des Moines, Iowa. Especially the ones in Des Moines, Iowa. They're more creatures than they are beautiful, but still beautiful creatures. I love it when I look out and still see some not laughing at that.

It's always like, I don't think, again, still, I don't think you guys realize if you don't laugh at it, that means you're ugly. It's so funny. It's like, I'm going to show him. Yes, Jack the Ripper. Yeah, I was just going to say the only difference is white women call him Aloe and black women call him Cocoa Butter. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Aloe, you're in your hometown killing. You had a guest spot allotted for you. Tell us more about you. What else, Aloe? Anything else interesting? One interesting fact. I used to work security. I once did security for Young Jeezy, and I had Bell's palsy at the time.

Yeah, Bell's palsy where your face goes numb and starts drooping. Yeah, so half my face didn't work. It was kind of weird. My brother got me the job and then I already accepted it and then I came down and my shit wasn't working and I just did it anyway. You have to get that checked out pretty quick or else it stays permanent.

I thought I had a stroke, but it just went away after a few days. What was it from? Stress? I'll tell you exactly what it was from. This was a long time ago. I used to talk on the, you know, and I smoked weed out of a Tide bottle. I made a bong. Don't do that, okay? Oh, my God.

And two days later, I woke up and half my face didn't work. You smoked a Tide pod pretty much. Pretty much, yeah. Wow. Dumb shit. Don't do that, okay? Wow. I got arrested out good enough, but obviously not.

And that's the last time he was ever whitewashed. That's crazy. My goodness. That's insane. So you stopped smoking out of Tide bottles after that. I stopped smoking. And stuck only to eating cereal out of them. My goodness.

I mean, how hard up are you to get a high when you're smoking out of a bloody Tide bottle? Why did you use that instead of just like a typical can or an apple? I was trying to experiment and be creative. I got to put this degree to you somehow i love it it's a shame junior colleges should teach you stuff to smoke out of in case you uh get excited that was actually after i went to iowa state so that is that you retired from what i went to iowa state and then i did oh wow did you uh play football or anything? No, not at Iowa State. Only at junior college.

Oh, that's right. You could play racquetball. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Iowa Central, if you were wondering, someone said what junior college. Iowa State, the home of the Cyclones. Iowa, the home of the Hawkeyes. Both laughable to Red Band and I's fandom of the Ohio State University.

And we want you to never, ever forget it. Don't you ever fucking forget it. Every year, I want you to think of these two faces when you look at that final score. Every fucking year. But we love your support. Thank you for coming out. And any time you see a dead body in the street, I want you to think of this face right here.

I'm James Harrison. Aloe, I think you're fucking awesome, man. I love your swagger, your confidence. You're so goddamn likable. And let me know if you're ever coming out to L.A. for any reason, and we'll figure out a way to squeeze you up a spot at the comedy store sometime. How about that? There he goes.

Allo mean, everyone. There he goes. Hell yeah, dude. So much fun. This guy bench-pressed Donald Trump six or seven times last night on stage out of nowhere. What perfect timing for him to come up, though, right after that last guy and be married to a white girl. That's good. Absolutely.

Absolutely. If that guy before him would have found out he was gay, he would have been furious. Because what are you going to do, right? What are you going to do? Tell him you don't like him? Can you imagine that? Hey, you know, I don't like your kind around here. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know what? Fuck you, bitch. Suck my dick. That's my alo mean impression. If he was mad and wanted a dude to suck his dick. Anyway, just keeping things moving along here. I'm a oppity, oppity, oppity, oppity. Every specific impression.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Cody Banks, everyone. Cody motherfucking Banks. Here he is. I don't want to be human trafficked, but I do want to travel the world. And I'm on a budget. Everyone knows that girls mature faster than boys do.

I'm a 26-year-old father, so I'm basically a teen mom. Any teen moms out there? All right. I love being a dad. I like buying my kid new toys. We like

buying them educational toys. You know, we bought them letter blocks To teach them as letters Number blocks to teach them as numbers And a finding Nemo jumper Where he spins Nemo around in a circle To teach him to bully the disabled Fuck yeah Cody Banks

Coming in Very good Great pacing Great jokes You've done this before? Yeah How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three years or so

Awesome, I love it Des Moines? I started here and I live in Cedar Rapids now Where's Cedar Rapids at? How far is that from here? It's like two hours east. Is there a comedy club up there? Yes, Penguin's Comedy Club.

I met Aloe there on Wednesday, actually. Oh, very cool. Wow. And that is so cool. And you work regularly at that club? Weekly? Or you're the house emcee? Or how does it work?

I'm not the house mc i've opened for a few people there but a lot of good comics there so very cool very cool what's seaside known for um probably the smells ah wow it's like a uh like a high school gym class right right uh they call it City of Five Seasons. And then the joke that everybody says is more like Five Smells. Gotcha. Gotcha. Very good. What made you move there?

I'm from there. I lived here for like two and a half years. Started comedy here. And then had a kid and decided to be back around my parents. And you're 26. How old is your kid? He's 15 months old. Wow.

Thank goodness you said months after that. Whoa. That's incredible. Big 11-year-old. And you're still with the baby mama? Yeah, we're married. Oh, very cool. How long have you guys been married for?

Almost seven years. Wow, seven years. That's incredible. What does she do? She's a barista. Ah. She's very good at it. Very good. What do she do? She's a barista. She's very good at it. What do you do?

I sell cars. Used cars or new cars? Used and new. Really? Does your lot specialize in any one targeted type of automobile or anything? We're Ford and Hyundai.

Just whatever used cars. Okay. Let's pick Hyundai. Let's say I was coming in to look for a new Hyundai and I'm just a customer and you're standing around not doing much of anything. So here I am. I just walked into your store. Here I am. Awesome. Hey, what's your name? Hi, I'm Tony. Tony, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. How's it going? Not much. I mean, it's pretty good. Jeez.

Do you work here? Yeah. Oh, you do? Can I play your wife for a moment? Yeah, this is my wife, Jack the Ripper. Okay. I'm Jack the Ripper. I don't trust this guy. He's not confident at all.

Yeah. I thought, sweetheart, I know. I don't trust this guy. He's not confident at all. Yeah. I thought, sweetheart, I know. I didn't even think he worked here. Oh, here. He's talking to us. They tell you not to talk about, like, it's bad sales practice to be like, hey, what are you here for? Or like, can I help you or something like that? It's like, hey, so you're from here or something like that.

Why are you telling this? I'm here to buy a car right now. Why are you telling me about sales practices? And I'm here to buy a covered wagon with horses. Sell me a horse-drawn carriage. So, yeah, I guess do you have any cars for sale? Yeah, do you have any wagons and how many spokes on the wheels? Stick with me over here.

What are you looking for? Like, I saw you came in with the Honda Civic. Are you looking to get another sedan? My only options, I guess, are a Ford or a Hyundai. And I'd like something that lasts more than two and a half years. So I guess I'll go with the Hyundai. Yeah, like a horse. Yeah.

What do you like to do for fun? Are you a camper? I mean, I'm about to Hyundai. Yeah, like a horse. Yeah, yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Are you a camper? I mean, I'm about to buy a Hyundai, so not much. Right, right. I really don't make good life decisions. Do you work at Collins Aerospace then, or are you an engineer? No, I used to be one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Okay, all right.

Gotcha. But now I've become a full-time commercial airline pilot and moved to Des Moines because someone told me I could drive from one part to the other in 25 minutes. It's true. A talking gorilla gave him the confidence that he could become a pilot. So

what are we going to do about this? I just still don't have a car. And I don't have a carriage. Do you have a family? Do you have kids? Anything like that? No, no. I'm very lonely.

We're trying. Right, right. Okay. I come inside of that all the time, and nothing ever comes out. Every once in a while, a plastic knife or a broomstick falls out of our robe, but other than that, not much. How could you fuck that thing? I'm Jack the

Slipper. So what are we going to do about this? I need a car. I would love to show you a Hyundai Sonata. You're going to get a great fuel mileage. You're an angry man in the corner. No! No! Not the Sonata!

Why should I pick the Sonata! Why should I pick the Sonata over an easily flippable Elantra? Well, one, the Elantra, as you said, is easily flippable.

I think for what you guys are looking for, you want something that's a little bit more sturdy, trunk space. That's good for Jack the Ripper.

The Sonata has more rear passenger space than any other full-size sedan out there um so wow someone in the back got a big laugh my goodness all right well um you know how much uh how much is it gonna cost me for one of these Sonatas? What do you think here? What features are important to you? When you guys are talking about what you're looking for in a vehicle, I mean, what kind of stands out to you as your must-haves? What's the driving force? What kind of vehicle can you get from one side of town to the other in 25 minutes?

Perfect. I want one of those. Is the Sonata good for that? I mean, really what we're looking for is something to maybe, you know, maybe one day be able to, you know, start a family. What's going on here? What are we doing here? Wow. Wow.

Improv guru. Improv guru Brian Redband joining in the mix finding a low point. I'm starting to think that... I'm trying to get him to sell me the Sonata. I'm waiting for the hard sell. I'm starting to think that Tony is actually interested in buying a Hyundai right now.

That's called acting, you fucks. You should take a fucking note of it. So, Cody, sell me the Sonata. Best warranties in the class. You've got to. Okay, how much is the final price? You want an out-the-door number? Yeah, yeah, I want an out-the-door number.

What month will you register this in? Next month. Next month. He just had a birthday, so he's turning in the Corvette and getting a Hyundai. Let me go ask my manager. Jesus Christ. Come on. Wait, wait, wait.

Can I play the manager? Yeah, you play the manager. Go ask the manager. Okay, so this guy's looking at a Hyundai Sonata. Okay. We're showing him one. He's showing him one. Okay.

He's going to register it. Does he have kids or anything like that? Not yet, but he's trying really hard. Okay, perfect. All right. Now, what does this bloke do for a living? Is he like a pilot or something like that? Yeah, I think he said he's a pilot.

He's not. He's not a pilot. Very good at it. But he really wants to be, right? Okay. Right, right, right, right. Okay, right. He's one of the. Very good at it. But he really wants to be, right? Okay. Right, right, right, right. Okay, right. He's one of the top Young Rising pilots or something like that.

One of the top Young Rising pilots. Does he think that cows are bison? Perfect, yes. Okay, perfect. All right. Okay, can you guys hurry it up over there? I hear you talking. What's the final price?

I got it. Is somebody looking for a record? This is Jack. I just wanted to have him come out and say hi to you. Wow. This is your manager? Come on. I need the...

Jack, this is Tony. He was looking at the Hyundai Sonata SE. Yeah. Take it away. Your manager looks a lot like the penguin from the original Batman. This Danny DeVito? I'm sorry. I'm just a disabled old bloke with a cane.

I need to sell this car. You do? I need to. Uh-huh. Because if I don't, I can't provide for my wife and my kids at home. Uh-huh. So what's it going to be? So I think you should buy the Hyundai Elantra.

Oh. Okay. How much? You know what? I like you. 40 grand. 40 grand. 40 grand for a Hyundai Elantra.

Yeah. And a C. I gotta get my commission. This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. I could buy two Sonatas for that. Oh, okay. Well, then there you go. Jack the Ripper. Selling

two Sonatas. Alright, well, you know what? I will take it. I'm going to buy a Sonata from you. I'm not kidding. You heard it here. No, I'm kidding. I definitely won't. But I'll tell you this, Cody. 15 months old. Are you enjoying

being a father? Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Is it true what everybody says is that, you know, it was sort of like something you're like, oh, fuck. And then you saw the baby and you're like, I get it. This is cool. Like that? Yeah. Wow. It is wild.

I don't know. It's like corny and all that. No, I get it. You got your baby jokes lined up, your kid jokes. It seems like every time somebody has a kid they always have the baby material for like the next pretty much just uh that stuff I did tonight that's it that's it so far well there you go you have a lot of time to think about it because you have another uh 17 years of being miserable right um so there you go

congratulations very fun comedian one of the funniest ones here tonight. Cody Banks. We're moving along here. We haven't. Should we go to the bucket one more time? What do you think? Should we go to the bucket one more time? What do you think, huh? We haven't had a woman on stage tonight. You guys think we should pick until we get a woman up here? All right. I think we actually did it on the first pull.

I do believe. Put your hands together for Paige Dykhaus. Dykhaus. Paige Dykhaus. Dykhaus. Paige Dykhaus. Is this her? Here she comes. Look at that. True bucket of destiny.

Pull a lady on the first one. Come on. One more time. Good and loud for Paige Dykhaus, everyone. So I actually met Tony almost two years ago today, like two days ago, in L.A., and he said, where do you guys live? We go on tours all the time, and I said, Des Moines, Iowa, and he said, I'm never fucking going to Des Moines, Iowa. Welcome to hell. I frequent L.A. a lot.

That's the only time that I've actually come to the show, but we really enjoyed it. No, but I am from San Diego so nobody ever talks about when somebody from a large town like San Diego moves to small-town Des Moines, Iowa. Everybody wants to talk about small-town girl moves to big city to chase dreams. Nobody talks about big-town girl moves to small-town and is weirded out why everybody wants to be friends with her. I'm not kidding, my fiance made friends with two people in the crowd before the show started and we showed up

10 minutes early. Lady walked up to me in Target one day and spent half an hour asking me where I work, what I do, my family, where I live, and I was like, you're gonna follow me home or drug me or something. You done? Hi. Did you have more to that? No. Oh, okay. Paige Dykehouse, everyone. There you go. First time ever? Yes. First time ever doing stand-up for Paige. Hell yeah.

Damn right. I can't believe you moved here after your time in San Diego. You may recognize her as former rock star Lisa Loeb. Or perhaps... Wendy. Domestically abused Daria. Or, I don't know, perhaps Lydia from Beetlejuice,

if she actually read the book for the recently deceased. Why did you move here? Inside Beetlejuice. I didn't have a choice. I wasn't 18 yet, and my family that lived here, my grandma was going through a divorce and was real sick, so my mom was like, we're going to Iowa, and I was like, fuck that. And here I am, six years later. Right, six years later, here in Iowa. How old are And here I am six years later. Right.

Six years later here in Iowa. How old are you? I am 23. 23 years old. Yep. That math works out. Yeah. And you have a boyfriend?

I have a fiance. Fiance. How long have you two been together? About four and a half years. Four and a half years. Yeah. You met him at 18, 19-ish, right around there. Yeah, in college.

So that's how people fucking do it around here, huh? You just find the first one that you sort of like, and you just lock it down. Second one here, but yeah. Second one. Wow. Yeah. But you were in love with someone in San Diego once? Yeah.

And you left him? No, we broke up before I moved here. You think that that may have been the one for you, and you're just settling for your fiance? No. That's cool. What do you do for work? I work at a clothing store.

I manage a clothing store in West Des Moines. Oh, very cool. What does your fiance do? He works at a grocery store. Grocery store and a clothing store. Heck yeah. Does he ever double bag it? Or does he bag it at all?

Does he wear a condom or two? Paper or plastic? Or does he just fucking stock up, you know what I mean? Just fucking stock those shelves, dude. We gotta drop off on the fucking back delivery entrance, dude.

Well, we have a kid. Oh, you do have a kid. Wow. Hell yeah. So no bags at all necessary. I'll just put it right back in the, drop it off right in the car, and I'll put it in the car myself, product by product. Wow.

How old's your kid? She will be three in August. Three in August. Damn. You had a baby at 20 years old. Look at you. Cool young mama. You stuck around. No abortion necessary for you.

Why put a baby in a bucket when you can put your name in one? You know what I mean? Aww. You like Kill Tony, I like Live Baby. You know what I mean? Okay, so three years old. Does she have a little personality? Is she doing good?

What's happening with her? She is a huge thrill seeker. We've taken her to Disneyland multiple times when we go out to California, and we have Adventureland Passes, which is the amusement park here. Right. You ever go to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City?

No. Oh, anyway. I'm fine with the Midwest that's here. I don't really like traveling beyond Iowa because it's enough Midwest. What's your favorite thing about Iowa? 25 minutes, I'd say. Yeah, pretty much leaving. Yeah.

Nothing too crazy here. Huh. All right. Very cool. Wow. A lot of people booing. A lot of people booing. I would love to hear your answers about what the best thing of Iowa is.

If you want to send them to me via social media, perhaps. Zombie burger guy. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. We got fucking slop, fucking zombie burger and fucking. Zombie burger is amazing, though. We got Fong's pizza, dude. We got fucking slop, fucking zombie burger and fucking. Zombie burger is amazing, though. We got Fong's Pizza, dude. Get the fuck out of here.

It's the best wicked pizza ever. I love it. I'm an In-N-Out Burger Girl, actually. They don't have that here, right? Yeah. Yeah, no. What about Bebops? You like Bebops?

Wow, look at that. What is that reference? How do you know about that, Jack the Ripper? What about Happy Joe's Pizza? Anybody in there like that? Oh, wow. Look at that. You named better restaurants than the guy that I asked for my references before the show did.

How's that possible? I've lived everywhere. Bebops is a Midwest thing, but I can't say I've converted my fiancé to an In-N-Out Burger fan. He was a diehard Bebop's fan. Right. In-N-Out's so-so. Well, your husband definitely likes to go In-N-Out if you have a three-year-old girl. But since he didn't pull out, he's more like In-N-In.

Yeah. Paige Dykehouse. Your last name is Dykehouse, which is very fitting for this area today. I think a lot of the bars around here are Dykehouses right now. It is celebrating pride. Have you ever messed around with a woman? No.

No? Really? Not at all? Tell your entire wardrobe otherwise. My goodness. It looks like you work at a lesbian bookstore. Yeah, there's a key on your necklace. What's that key to? It has my daughter's name on it. It's actually a company that's based out of LA.

Oh, did you lock your daughter in a safe to a babysitter? Yeah, we couldn't get a babysitter for tonight, so I just locked her in a box. But what is it really for? Your name's on it, and... There's a company that's based out of LA called The Giving Keys. And they employ people transitioning out of homelessness.

And their whole concept is paying it forward so you can get words like love and fearless and strength. And you wear the word until you find somebody who needs it more than you. I love that. It's weird that homeless people transitioning are the ones giving away the keys. They should be getting keys for their new life, their new place. But I guess so. Hey, whatever. I wonder where they're getting these fucking keys from.

Thieves, you know what I'm talking about? These fucking street thieves out there. God, there's just one angry gym teacher looking at me from the second row right now, just like, this is not how I thought this was going to go tonight. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I shouldn't have written a fucking interracial gay joke.

My God. God damn it. You know what? Take a lap right now. You know what? Take a lap on Gorilla's rollerblades. It'll make you feel better. Hey, wow. This guy is so high right now. He forgot that Gorilla happened earlier. That's incredible.

He thinks that's from a different episode. That's mind-boggling. Well, Paige, I mean, a lot of fun. Do you have any hobbies, anything fun that we should know about you? I mean, I relate to a lot of the people on the stage. I'm a Marine brat. Yeah. Do you ever serve your country?

No, just my dad. Oh, wow. You served your dad. Very good. Oh, you served your dad. Yeah. Did you ever serve your country? No, just my dad. Oh, wow. You served your dad. Very good. I'm glad to hear that. Oh, you served your dad. Yeah. Very cool.

How about what else? What for fun? Nothing really. I just work and hang out with my daughter. She's at an age that she wants to do everything with me. Was there something that perhaps you were going to do or wanted to do, maybe a dream that you had before you got pregnant uh that you can't do because now you have a three-year-old girl is there something where you're sort of like maybe one day i'll get to you know become a

commercial airline pilot or something like that but you weren't able to do it not really no i don't know what i want to do with my life still so i did continue school after i had her but i don't know what i want to do so i stopped going to school you're so young even though you have a kid and everything like you won't even know for like five more years it's yeah it's pretty ridiculous is there like did you want to start this young with your life i mean no all right it wasn't a it wasn't a planned thing it was not a plan your daughter you know is going to be able in just a few short years be able to look at this on the internet and find this set.

It's going to pop up when she Googles her own mother's name for the first time ever, and she's going to hear you say that she was an unplanned baby. Oh, it's not even a secret. I didn't find out I was pregnant until six and a half months along. Wow. Did it fall out?

Jesus. I had the response. Hashtag toilet baby. Yeah, toilet baby. Yeah, toilet. It's incredible. It's wild. Six and a half months. Yeah.

When the thing starts waving at you from, that's when you know you might be pregnant. It's just like a blue hand sticking out. All right. Well. She's working at the clothing store and a little hand pops out and starts folding the clothes. I love it. I think I'm pregnant. I know.

Well, Paige, truly, if she ever Googles this, she's going to think her mom's awesome because you had the fucking courage to sign up and fucking do it. And you did it here tonight. How about one more time good and loud for Paige Dykehouse, everyone? We did it. That's an episode of Kill Tony. Did you guys have fun or what? How about one more time for currently on the top of the comedy iTunes charts

while being here in Des Moines, Iowa, the great Jeremiah Watkins. He's Jack the Ripper. House Lights. I love it. He killed it tonight. So much fun. We did it again, and the fun train just keeps moving along. You can go buy the new Reagan and Watkins album at reaganandwatkins.com.

You can listen to his new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. This week's guest is Pete Holmes. Follow him on YouTube atWatkins.com. You can listen to his new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. This week's guest is Pete Holmes. Follow him on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. Follow him on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. Anything else, Jeremiah? Reagan and Watkins will be making their way to San Diego and Phoenix coming up here soon, headlining some shows

as well as around Los Angeles. There you go. We're announcing I think one or two new dates tomorrow, some exciting stuff, and it keeps going on. Remember, New York and Milwaukee, you've got to get on it. There's still a couple tickets left for this tour. Milwaukee's about to be a punchline.

And just a reminder, after this show, Death Squad pins, the new Reagan and Watkins album is available for you, and Ryan J. Ebel prints that we're going to sign and take pictures with you if you'd like, but just form a straight line. You see where that glowing white guy is back there waving? That's where the line's going to start, and it's going to be one straight line, and it's going to go that way.

No cuts, no butts, no coconuts. Des Moines, we love you. Red Band. See you guys later. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.ガス灰のベースカウトパーティー固まって ច្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រូវានប្រ� you