KILL TONY - KILL TONY #361

Episode Date: June 15, 2019

Jeff Ross, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/10/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're in the middle of a tour. June 13th, we're going to be in Chicago. Then it's followed by Madison, Minneapolis, Poughkeepsie, New York, and then we finish in Brooklyn at the Skank Fest. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates.

Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out everything Golden Pony at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has his own website. Everything that he draws and posters in the Kill Tony book can be found at RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There's the official merchandise of the Kill Tony universe, Death Squad universe. You get some hats, some stickers.

We got some mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world famous comedy store. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi, everybody. Come on, make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Can I get more volume?

Yeah. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? Almost forgot where I was. We are in Los Angeles tonight. We are back home. We just flew in from beautiful Des Moines, Iowa today, and we take off early tomorrow morning to Appleton, Wisconsin.

The fun train just keeps moving along. We go to Appleton. Still, I think, maybe a couple tickets available for that. Tickets available for Milwaukee the next night, and Chicago has very few tickets left for Thursday night. That's a big show at Thalia Hall. And then Madison, Wisconsin the night after that. And we just sold out Minneapolis, Minnesota on Sunday. Poughkeepsie, New York the week after that.

We come back on that Monday to be here at home with Brian Holtzman. And then that Wednesday we fly out to Poughkeepsie, New York. Next night we just added a second show to the sold-out Kill Tony at the Gramercy Theater. So two shows in one night, New York, New York. So get tickets for that second show before everyone at the first show just goes out the door and buys them before you can that night. It's very exciting. And you want to break some news, Brian? Let's do it.

This is one of our biggest announcements ever. You guys excited about this? How about you guys in the upper deck? Are you guys excited to be here at all on a Monday? There you go. This breaking news is to announce a one night only show. One show only, one night only in a massive venue. It is going to be our biggest audience attended show at once ever at the Fillmore in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. We sold out a bunch of shows in Philly early this year or late last year. And we are coming back on a vengeance, a massive, massive venue. That's a huge place.

Tickets go on sale this Thursday, June 13th at 10 a.m. under the Live Nation banner. You can use the code GROOVE to get your tickets first. The general public, it goes on sale this Friday, the 14th at 10 a.m. That's thefillmorephilly.com for tickets. Live Nation on Thursday. Use the promo code GROOVE

and you get it first. And the train just keeps moving along. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here tonight, everybody. He's drawing tonight's episode. He draws all the posters. He draws all the road posters, which are amazing. Dude, those things sold the fuck out, man. Yeah, people love these road tour posters.

They go to the show. They buy a poster afterwards. We sign them for them when we're on the road. And, yeah, it's really exciting. He also designed the newest Kill Tony logo, which is going to be as of tomorrow on a pin glow in the dark. Kill Tony pins now available. Thanks to a collaboration between Ryan J.

Belt and our friends over at rock and pins. The great Mauricio. He's awesome. Hell yeah. It's also visible here on our Kill Tony Summer Tour bucket that we're going to be using for the next two weeks until the end of the tour. It's a goddamn bucket of destiny. A bunch of people signed up tonight to chat with us,

the band, and our guest, which brings me to our guest. How about that? He has been on the show quite a few times. He is one of my favorite comedians on the planet. He is one of our favorite guests. He is the star of Historical Roast, now on Netflix.

He is going to be at Roast Battle at Clusterfest. He's the host of Roast Battle, of course, on Comedy Central. He's also going to be at the host of Roast Battle, of course, on Comedy Central. He's also going to be at the Comedy Central roast of Alec Baldwin, which was just announced. He is the Roastmaster General.

Bumping mics with Dave Attell, also on Netflix, and they're going to be at Hera's this Friday. SoCal on Saturday. Tickets available at RoastmasterGeneral.com. Make some noise for him. The one, the only, Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross, everybody.

Hell yeah. There he is. He's back. Hell yeah, buddy. You know. I love this. You have so much going on right now. You're absolutely everywhere.

Every time I have one of those like Netflix smart TVs. So I just skip cable and my TV just stays on Netflix in my living room all the time. And your face is all over my living room. It is on the front page of Netflix right now. Globally, Historical Roast is a massive hit. Has anybody seen it? Hell yeah. That's fun.

But I'll be honest with you. I love Historical Roast, but my favorite thing in all of comedy, I've always said this before you guys even started doing it on the road or making specials, when you and Dave Attell get together, it is one of the most magical things. I mean, it is Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin.

It is rock and roll. I love him. We were in Vegas all weekend together and he made me laugh so hard I was crying on stage. He's unbelievable. And you two just push each other to the limits. And it's so cool that you're taking it all over the road. California, Washington, New Jersey, Texas, New York, Roastmaster

General dot com. Thanks, Tony. Have you ever been to that Morongo, by the way? Dave keeps making me play casinos that I never heard of before. So that he can smoke cigarettes inside? Yeah. Even the name Morongo makes me want to be out there. But you know what? The truth is, the Netflix thing, I got an account the night that Historical Roast dropped.

Wow. Really? I didn't even get my own Netflix account when Bumping Mics came out. I was still using my cousin Ed's. I was like, oh, I think I'm good. I don't watch anything anyway. And then finally, I got so excited that I signed up for Netflix on Memorial Day. I love it.

Well, thanks for having me on, Tone. I mean, you got the hottest show in Sunset Strip over here. I love it. Well, thanks for having me on, Tony. I mean, you got the hottest show in Sunset Strip over here. I love it. Selling out everywhere. We go back to back the two hottest shows. You're the new Steel Panther. Yeah, no, it's true.

That hit me the other day. Someone told me that. They go, you know, we used to have this much fun on Mondays with Steel Panther. Now we always come here. And it was like such an honor because you were the first person to take me to Steel Panther. That was a fun show. I still love them. They're playing all the time.

I love it. Where are they at now? Vegas or something? They tour. Wow. They tour. Speaking of bands, Jeff, we have one on this show, believe it or not. I was wondering where that was.

You guys fans of the Kill Tony band, anybody here? They're another one of my favorite things in all of comedy. Every single episode they commit to being and staying in different characters. Sometimes it's the return of some of their famous characters. Sometimes it's the debut of a brand new character that we've never seen before. So let's see what happens tonight. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Kro McCriss.

Here we go. Here we go. Wow, definitely construction, guys. Wow, look at this. Definitely construction, guys. My goodness, this is very exciting. Clearly, Jeremiah Watkins is a transitioning construction worker.

Pride week. Talk about packing a lunch. What do you got there? Oh, bologna again? What's your name? My name is Bologna Pete because my wife always packs me bologna sandwiches every day. All right, Baloney Pete.

We've seen you on this show before, right? Yeah, great memory. I mean, I did just. What's on the sandwich? Is it mayonnaise or mustard? It's mayonnaise with spicy brown Dijon mustard. Would you like one? Thank you, but maybe lunchtime.

All right. I've never seen a construction worker keep his gloves on while attending to his lunch before. Garden gloves. Whoa, that's real bologna, bologna Pete. Oh, my wife backed it again. You brought a dollar and 19 cents worth of bologna. I can see the price tag on it. You got quite the deal there.

Yeah, I might have to leave my wife. And then clearly over there next to you, we got Chroma Chris. How you doing, Chroma? Good. The name is Jack, Tony. Jack Hama. Oh, the famous Jack Hama. Jack Hama.

Wait, are you porn guys? Really, my last name is Hoff, but Hama just sounds more manual, so I just go with Hama. Jack Hoff is my real last name. I love your voice doesn't get any deeper as a construction worker. Nope. And then back here, clearly we have Mexican Kimbo Slice. This is incredible. Mexican Kimbo Slice.

This is incredible. I don't know why. I've never seen a construction worker that looks like a Lego man before. More than this right now. Joelberg Joel Jimenez. The name is Jonathan Rodriguez, a.k.a. Two Hammers, because I'm always too hammered to go to work. I'm just going to call you Two Hammers. It's going to be fun.

Oh, yeah. We have the construction workers. We have the Roastmaster General, Red Van, which leads me to one thing and one thing only. This is also a construction zone. It is the Kill Tony Bucket of Destiny, everyone. Earlier in the evening, I think around 150 people signed up for the chance. I guess we could have just allowed everybody in the bucket by the looks of it. I kept putting my cigarettes out, and I didn't realize.

And we whittled it down to 30, and so there's 30 names in the bucket now. So if your name gets pulled out of the bucket – and by the way, David, can you let them know that they can let any other comedians that want to come in, they can let them come in now? I don't know what these... This restriction thing, I don't like. Oh, wow. Look at that.

40 people bought tickets that didn't show up. All right, well, I guess maybe hold a couple open. It's the playoffs tonight. Yeah, and a big sports thing. Pride hangover. Yeah, that's right. So if I pull your name out of the bucket, you know how it goes.

You get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here we go. You guys excited about this? It's Kill Tony Live with Jeff Ross from the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. How exciting. I hear the great Aphrodite over there, the Apollo 13.

We got the whole family here tonight. All right. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then chatting with all of us about his life. Put your hands together for Alex Robb. Alex Rabbe. R-A-A-B-E. Here we go.

Here comes Alex Robb. Bring it up, our first comic. Yeah! One more time for Alex Robb, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. I'm Alex Robb, and I Thank you. Thank you. I'm Alex Robb, and I have to tell all you guys,

I recently had my booty hole eaten out recently. It was wonderful, I have to tell you. Has anybody else had it done before? You look like the kind of man who has it done before. Was it good? Yeah, it's fucking awesome. I love it. It was great, you know?

One of those times I just kind of want to, like, get bit more. Like she tried to stick a little in and I was a little nervous about it, but it's alright, okay? Recently I went to the ocean. The what? Of all things, right? I just wanted to say hey to Mother Nature. She didn't say nothing back, what a bitch. Just waved. Ugh, terrible. She didn't say nothing back. What a bitch. Just waved. Ugh. Terrible. Terrible.

That's a bad joke. Why would I even start with something like that, right? What the fuck? Right? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. So, I...

Well, that's my time. There you go. 60 seconds Alex Robb Heck yeah how are you man Is this your first time on the show Yes Alex Robb just robbed us of one minute of our life I mean I didn't want to correct you

But it's Robby Eat that microphone man You had the microphone the whole time Under here You really have to get really close I'm not going to direct you, but it's Robbie. Robbie, sorry. Eat that microphone, man. You had the microphone the whole time under here. You really have to get really close. I've got to work on the microphone. Talking to the microphone. How long have you been doing stand-up, Alex? Three and a half years.

Three and a half years. Look at that. Oh, my God. That's terrible. Still can't get the mic down in three and a half years. What the fuck, right? Wow. Not even this construction crew could fix that.

Yeah. Wow, not even this construction crew could fix that. Yeah. You look like Gene Wilder. I do my best. Really is interesting. Gene Milder. Look out at that audience so they can get a good look at you.

You know they're that way, right? There you go. Hell yeah, there he is. I like your look, Alex. You look like if Stretch Armstrong and Ben Askren had a baby. It's an inside reference, but only one guy. I wasn't rich enough to afford it. He looks like Jeremiah if Jeremiah was in a real construction accident. Tell us more about you, Alex.

What do you do for work? I actually am in construction. Really? Wow, look at that. I build and install Ikea kitchens. It sucks. Ikea kitchens? Yeah.

My goodness. So specialized. You call that construction? No, it's not. It's not construction. Yeah, you know, my tool belt has an Ellen wrench on it. I'm doing my best, alright. And by Ellen wrench, I mean Ellen,

DeGeneres. My goodness, Alex. So how long have you been putting together Ikea for? About three or four years. The same piece? Same ones. The same asshole telling me how to do it the whole time He's got a picture he's looking at

Alright Alex Alex Alex relax How long have you been in a wild stallions cover band Three years as well Alright Alex tell us more about you Are you from Los Angeles I'm from Wisconsin actually Really close to the Appleton area that you were just at. Very good, very good.

Is this what everybody looks like there? Unfortunately, yeah. What do you do for fun, Alex? Dick off. I go to the beach. Volleyball. Everything. Hike. You know, the regular old bullshit. Come on, there must be something a hobby that you are

into that is specific to you. Charcoal art. Really? Yeah, of all things, right? How'd you get into that? I think that's called blackface. Wow. Yeah. Bacon soda! I usually don't put it on

my face. It's not finger painting. My goodness. You have a girlfriend? No. Wow, you said that. So sad.

Nah. You don't want to know about that. Why? Why don't I want to know? Now I really want to know. Oh, now you really want to know. Physical abuse. What?

Physical abuse. What about physical abuse? Well, you know, she beat me up. Is that true or are you like kidding? Unfortunately, yes, that's true. You're saying it like you're kidding. I'm not. What did she do to you? She hit me. Yeah, where'd she hit you? Point on

your body to where she hit you. She spit in my face. Alex, stop trying to be funny. It's not working. I'm not. It really did fucking happen. Like, tell us then, this is a real interview part. Tell us like the real what really happened. Exactly what I just said. I mean, I

can't get any more real than that, dude. I can't even make you interesting. It's traumatic. It is very traumatic. It sucked. Like, fuck, dude. I lost a shit ton of friends from it. How did you lose friends from getting beat up? Because they believed her and not me.

Oh, you used to beat up your girlfriend. Now I get it. Yeah, yeah. That's what happened. I used to do it. Yeah, there's the truth I was looking for. You see how happy everybody is now? Everybody always says.

That's the problem. Everybody always says that. It's like, if you get angry about it, all of a sudden, she's the one that's the victim. No. Wait, what? Okay. What did she say that you did to her? What did I say?

What did she say that you did to her? What did you say? Don't ask me. I wasn't around her when that shit was happening. Forget it. How long has it been since that last relationship ended? About a year and a half. My goodness.

Well, according to everything that you like to do for fun, you already have a Tinder profile ready to go. I do. Wow. It's awesome. Did she break up with you in a construction zone? Because that would be three years, actually. No, it was on Christmas.

Oh, okay. Hey, is it true you like stuffing your pooper? What was that? because that would be three years, actually. No, it was on Christmas. Oh, okay. Oh, Merry Christmas, right? Hey, is it true you like stuffing your pooper? What was that? Is it true you like stuffing your pooper? You made really awkward eye contact with an audience member, and you're like, yeah, you can relate to me, and this guy's like, I don't really know, man.

You got 60 seconds. I mean, it was actually very interesting. And then that guy was looking at you like, now you got 40 seconds. You're like, help me out. And this guy's like, no, I'm not going to help you out. And then that guy's like, now you got 30 seconds. And you're like, come on, man.

You put stuff in your poop. He's like, not me, man. You're gay. Fuck yes. Baloney Pete giving us a slice of the good stuff. Well, Alex, I find you to be an interesting human. For three and a half years, man,

I would definitely at least get closer to that microphone. Your thing isn't really that it's far away. It's that you put it under your chin like that when you're talking that direction, but instead you should just have it almost in front of your mouth, but not exactly. I think it's better under his

chin. Congratulations. I'm getting pulled out of the bucket though, buddy. There he goes. Alex Robb, everybody. He's on Twitter at Alex Robb Comedy. R-A-A-B-E. All one word. There he goes. Alex Robb.

It's not an easy job getting it started up here tonight. Not an easy job getting it started up here tonight. Not an easy job watching it either. Not the greatest American hero. Oh, there he goes. Okay, let's see what happens next. You guys get it? It's clearly

anything can happen, and anyone can get pulled out of the bucket. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Zach Vile. Zach Vile. Zach. Zach. Where you at, Zach?

Zach Vile. Walking a mile. Here he come. One more time for Zach Vile, everyone. You guys fans of Roadhead in here? We like Roadhead? All right, I'm a bit conflicted, guys. You know, multitasking, not a problem for me.

I just hate giving my mom a ride to work. That was a warm-up. That was a warm-up. We're trying to build trust, you know. It's very hard to build trust when you look like JonBenet Ramsey and her killer. So, my dad said, when are you going to cut that hair? I said, when that joke stops crushing. Probably pretty soon.

I grew up pretty poor, but I was actually in a fraternity, only because my college had a fraternity for the financial aid students. Yeah, it was the only frat house. It was Section 8. Yeah, our letters were EBT. It was a lot of fun.

There you go. Zach Vial. Look at that. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the band rocking and rolling tonight? Hell yeah. So, Zach, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. First time.

Indeed. First time. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Wow.. Indeed. First time. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Wow. What a difference. What a difference. What a difference putting the microphone

in front of your mouth makes and writing jokes and executing them and not beating your ex-girlfriend. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. That was a lot of fun, Zach. Where are you from? Fayetteville, North Carolina. Fayetteville. Wow. Represent. Looks like you haveville, North Carolina. Fayetteville. Wow, represent. Looks like you have some fans out there.

Fayetteville. What's that part of North Carolina like? It's a big military base, so there's not a lot going on. Just kind of a lot of army dudes. Your dad in the military? No, my granddad was. That's why we ended up there. Wow, you call it a granddad.

Yeah. You really are from Fayetteville, North Carolina. Grandpa? Okay. What do you. Grandpa? Okay. What do you call it? Granny. Shut up. Hey, Granny.

Peep-pa. Peep-pa. Yeah, that's what Jeremiah calls it, right? Peep-pa, me-ma. Is that what you call your grandpa? Ding-dong. Big Pop and Little Pop. Hey.

Peep-pa-pa-loo-bop. and Little Pop. Hey. Be-bop-a-loo-bop. Hey, has anybody ever told you you look like the bad ghost from Ghostbusters 1? Zach, take a few steps. His name is Vigo.

He's in a painting. Take a few steps this way so that you can face the audience. There you go. He looks like the painting ghost from Ghostbusters 1. Hey. I can't really tell.

There's something that he reminds me of. David Lee Roth? David Lee Roth? Sure, if it's funnier. Oh, okay. It wasn't. He looks like an exter from Dawson's Creek. They actually filmed that in North Carolina. Wow.

He looks like he lived in Dawson's Creek. He looks like they found you in Dawson's Creek. Discovered face down in Dawson's Creek. What's your day job? I bartend. Where at? Empire Tad. No, it's just a craft beer bar in Burbank.

Nice. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Well, I thought you had some good jokes. Keep working on it. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Darts away? How long have you lived in Los Angeles, Zach?

Two years. Two years. How's the transition going for you? I'm getting used to it. What's your living situation? I live with a couple friends. One guy I lived with in the Bay Area, and the other one I went to school with back home. What do they do?

One of them is into sound, and the other one runs sound design for film and stuff. Very good. And the other one runs like sound design for film and stuff. Yeah. Very good. And the other one runs a non-profit. So they're both unemployed. Pretty much. Yeah.

What do you like to do for fun, Zach? Any fun hobbies or fun facts about you that we should know about? Surprise, but I'm really into like skateboarding.

It's cool. Ah. Yeah. It's cool. Yeah, yeah. Heck yeah. You ever get hurt doing that? I'm sorry?

You ever get hurt? Never broke a bone, but yeah, I've sprained some ankles and scrapes. You ever use wrist guards while you're skateboarding? No, never. No. What would you call a guy that you saw using wrist guards while skateboarding? Not a skater. Okay.

That was mean. Not a skater. Okay. That was mean. Not a skater. What's going on over there, baloney Pete? I'm just gripping my sledgehammer. Well, Zach, that's a lot of fun. How about you? You in love? You ever take a girl back to your place with your sound friend and your non-profit buddy?

Couple times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple times. Give us an example where you like, where does a guy like you meet a girl? You're a good looking guy. You got that fucking surfer hair. Thank you. Thank you. Bars, you know, on the apps, it's a good one to do. You ever take a girl home that you met

while bartending? I have, yeah. How did that work out for you? It's easy. An I-beam, an A-beam, what are we talking about here? What was that baloney peep? an I-beam, an A-beam, what are we talking about here? What was that baloney, Pete? Talking to an I-beam, an A-beam, what are we talking about here? The Burbank girls are pretty easy. Very.

Yeah, yeah. There's nothing to do out there except me. Disney ladies. How quick into the first date do you tell them to put the lotion in the basket? Put the fucking lotion in the basket. Hey. Got it.

Uh-oh. Joelberg's burging up back there. Look out. No, but really, how quick into the first date? Second date. We'll wait until the second. Cool. Good answer.

Yeah. You ever keep a girl? Do you ever have a girlfriend for a while? Yeah, I actually moved to Santa Cruz from North Carolina with my girlfriend at the time. And that lasted a year. How did that end? What happened? I started doing comedy.

So I bartended a few nights a week. The other nights I did comedy. And there was no more time. So something had to go. Ah, interesting. Wow. Look at that. I love your honesty.

That's a beautiful answer. All right, Zach. Well, a lot of fun, man. Great set. You really showed how it's done up here. Way to get it going, man. Zach Vial, everybody. He's on Twitter.

It's Zach, V-Z-A-C-K-V-E-E. We are flying through it. You saw both sides of our house. This is really fun, Tony. What a fun night. Yeah, we've already had some laughs. It's also been very compelling at one point. What an eclectic audience, too.

Indeed, indeed. We have the beautiful Cassandra Cass out there. Dressed like a vagina. Literally. Cassandra, I tried one of the cookies you gave us. I licked it. It was so good. She made vagina cookies for us. What kind of cookies were those? What do you call that?

Vagina cookie. It didn't taste like vagina. Way better. Come to think of it, maybe it did. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's make some noise for Lorraine Lopez, everyone. Let's see what happens here. Lorraine Lopez.

Lorraine. Yeah. Lorraine. Like he did that day. Lorraine Lopez. One more time for Lorraine. Like he did that day. Lorraine Lopez. One more time for Lorraine. So I didn't know that I was a Mexican until I was a lot older. I just thought that I was a really good swimmer.

But it turns out that my grandparents swam across the border, so I just got the gene. Yeah. Water polo swim captain. Thank you. But I'm not your typical Mexican because I just got the jean. Yeah. Water polo some, Captain. Thank you. But I'm not your typical Mexican because I don't have any kids. And to be honest with you guys, at my age, I should be a great-grandmother. I just got out of a three-year relationship. Turns out I was the only one in it.

I read a book called To Date a Man, You Have to Act Like a Man, so I started to act like a man. Turns out men don't want to date men unless they're gay. Has anyone else here dated a gay guy for five years and didn't know it? Well, my ex-boyfriend, he used to give guys lap dances at a gay bar. He didn't even work there, okay? There were signs. And when we did make love love he would make me wear a baseball cap. Yeah. I just thought he really loved the Dodgers guys.

Wow. That was really good. A lot of jokes. A lot of jokes. A lot of punchlines in a minute. Very good. Come back so the audience can see you. Step back. Step back four feet.

Yeah, there you go. Now we can all see each other. Hi, Lorraine. Welcome to the show. She's got a nice frame. Jesus, keep your baloney in your pants over there. Oh, you're saying she's walking by a construction site? So you gotta... I get it now. That's good.

Lorraine, don't worry about these guys. They're full of baloney. Lorraine, that was awesome. How long have you been doing comedy? A little over a year. A little over a year. All here in Los Angeles? Yeah.

So cool. What made you start? Something you've always wanted to do? No, I was doing some improv for fun. No, I just went through a bad breakup, and I got drunk, and I went to a mic, and then it was great. That's how it starts. That's how it goes. You went through bad bad breakup, and I got drunk, and I went to a mic, and then it was great. That's how it starts. That's how it goes. You went through bad breakups.

Make funny comedians. Did you talk about the breakup on stage that night? I didn't, but I think that I had never dated in my 20s. And once I turned 30, I went on a crazy rampage. And yeah, so then I just started talking about it constantly. I was just being very honest. It's just started talking about it. Constantly. I was just being very honest. It's like the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

The night of her breakup, she started doing stand-up. Yeah. Check it out. Marvelous Miss Martinez, eh? My goodness. So you're a real Los Angeles Mexican. I am. Through and through.

What part of town were you raised in? Rancho Cucamonga. Oh, yeah. Even Jesus. Even am. Through and through. What part of town were you raised in? Rancho Cucamonga. Oh, yeah. Even, Jesus, even that. Wow. Hey. You know that part of L.A. Called Rancho Cucamonga.

What are your thoughts on, you're a real, oh, yeah. Joel's so Mexican he wears a Dodgers hat over his construction hat. What are your thoughts on Mexican girls from Rancho Cucamonga? You are our senior Mexican correspondent here on Kill Tony. Rancho Cucamonga is not Los Angeles. All the L.A. natives agreeing with Joel here. That's cool, Lorraine. What do you do for work?

I work at a bar. You work at a bar? Yeah, cocktails are good. A waitress? Mm-hmm. Very cool. What do you do for work? I work at a bar. You work at a bar. Cocktails. Waitress? Mm-hmm. Oh, very cool. Is that true about your ex? How much of that is true about your ex-boyfriend dancing for guys at gay bars?

Any of it? I mean, he did work at a gay bar. Yeah. And he loved it. He was like acting and stuff and making a lot of money, but he always wanted to keep working. Wow. Yeah.

You didn't see that coming at the beginning? Was it like you just liked his salty kisses or something? Oh, Red Band. Come on. Yeah. Salty kisses. You're disgusting, Red Band. Wow.

So is it really true? Do you think he's gay? Was he actually gay? I think he's in the club. I mean, yeah. I mean, now that I'm single, I mean, we didn't have sex ever for five years, so... Ever?

Never. You never had sex with him? We did. The first time we had sex, he couldn't get it up. He said it was because a baseball hit his balls when he was a kid. Oh, my God. So it was...

But as soon as I started dating, I was like, oh, this is not normal. I believe that balls have smacked up against his balls before, but I don't think it was a baseball as a kid. You're like, what are you going to do with this pussy? He's like, I keep dodging it.

Yes, the old famous baseball whistle. Yes, there it is. I love it. Baseball doesn't have whistles? I love it when the referee in baseball blows his whistle. Wow. I never knew that. You guys keep.

Did you keep dating him after that? I mean, after he told me that. Yeah. Yeah. That's that was like the first time we had sex was he told me that. And I thought it was like, he's such a good guy. And I kept through it. Yeah.

Thank goodness. Did you guys ever do it? Did what? Did you guys ever wind up doing it? Yeah, we did. But he'd always accidentally put it in my butt. Are you serious? I love this. See, Lorraine

gets Kill Tony interviews. Can I just tell you? I think you mean your dugout. Wow. You put it in your Rancho Cucabunga. I think you mean your dugout. Safe. Wow. You put it in your Rancho Cucabunga. Third base, if I've ever heard of it, dude. Is that really true?

No, 100%. So he'd be able to really keep going if it was your butt, but not if it was your vagina. That is so fucking interesting. Yeah. Yes! I mean, you're calling that guy gay but what if she's got a weird vagina

you know what I mean oh shit not true alright prove it accidentally putting it in your butt oh my god I'm so sorry baby man this is such a would he put it in your butt missionary Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, baby. Man, this is such a... Would he put it in your boat, missionary?

No, from behind. Right. No, with a crane. What do you think, Jeff? You say accidentally. I mean, it'd be hard to do it from behind as an accident, right? I mean, you're looking right at it. It depends on how wet it is, you know?

Wow. Did you like it? Not like that. Not with him. Wow. What an interesting story. See, that's when you became a comedian. That's what I call the baloney sneaky Pete, you know what I'm saying?

Sneaky Pete. Also, another hit show that our friend Jeff Ross is on, available on Amazon. Thank you, Tony, for all that. Of course. Don't bring up plugs in front of this girl, dude. My goodness. So what was the last straw, if you don't mind me asking? I actually did.

A girl contacted me, which it's not 100% that he's gay. That's just in my heart. Contacted me, which it's not 100% that he's gay. That's just in my heart. But contacted me on Instagram and said that she was dating him for five and a half years, but it was not sexual. They had a very emotional relationship. Wow.

Oh, my God. You're my best friend. Wow. Love you. So we have this guy down for 10 years Of only really staying hard in butts That's incredible I feel sorry for you for going through that But I also feel really sorry for him

For having to like fake it Yeah I feel bad too No he was a good I mean I thought he was a good guy But then he had no remorse though And in the end he was like It was a lot

Wow Do you still talk to him? No. He's Mexican too? No. Oh I was going to say of course because Mexicans have no problem going in and out of closets. Or tunnels dude. Call him El Chapo. Alright.

For what it's worth I liked how personal your material was. It wasn't random jokes that anybody could tell. They were jokes about you and your life. I feel like they could be a little sharper, so I'd work on punching them up a little bit. But you're lovely and you're funny,

and I hope comedy brings you the man that you deserve. Absolutely. And I'd say you got a lot of jokes out there. Great set, especially for only doing it one year. Really amazing. Come back, sign up again, and let's find out more about you next time. Lorraine Lopez, everybody. She's on Twitter. Lorraine Victoria Lopez. Lorraine with two R's. All one word. Like I did that day. I like her. God damn, this band is fucking killing it tonight. New songs every single episode. They're about to get lugged around

the whole fucking country this week. Did you ever date a guy that you thought was gay? Very funny, Brian. There you go. Good one. Dude, you almost got him, Redman. Good one. Redman. All one. Redman.

All right, pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Seth, everyone. Seth, one word, Seth. Here he comes. Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth, Seth. Yes. One more time for Seth, everybody. All right.

I feel like I'm a very non-threatening guy, you know? Like I could have a face tattoo and you'd still ask me for directions. The only time I ever felt threatening was when I was dating, and I would drop the woman off at her house or apartment, you know, depending on how well she was doing in life, and she would immediately lock the door. Disrespectful, you know? At least let me turn around, take a couple steps. Made me so mad. Every once in a while, I never did this, but every once in a while, I wanted to jiggle the handle, you know? Like, ah! Date's not over, you know?

Dinner was expensive, right? You know? Dinner was expensive. Right? But I never did that. I never did that. You know? This might come as a shock based on the way I look,

but I've actually never raped anybody. So, yeah. A lot of raping going on, and I never have done any of it. So, let that be known. I got married as a virgin. All right, perfect. We'll end there. There you go, Seth. You did it. So let that be known. I got married as a virgin. All right. Perfect. We'll end there. There you go, Seth.

You did it. Heck yeah. Seth, welcome back. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah. Yeah. A couple times. Great. This was probably, you feel like this was the best set you've had on this show? Yeah. By far. I think so, too. I was just telling Curtis, the manager here, because we were talking about his brother made his debut

doing stand-up on this show last night in Des Moines, Iowa. And I was telling him about how one of my favorite things about this show is when you see somebody and they don't kill their first time, you know, and you see them get better as they go. We've seen it a lot with the great Aphrodite over there, 62 years old, 63, started on this show, and each time puts it together a little bit better. So how's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Just over a year and a half. Over a year and a half.

You have a lot of comedy background. You look like four out of the seven characters from The Office. Yeah. Yeah. Most compared to Toby, unfortunately. I've never watched the show. I just know the broad cast. What a cheap comparison then.

Unbelievable. No, it worked. It worked. It did. It's dead on. I would have moved it on, but you wanted to stay there for a second. No, we can move on. It was dead on.

Remind me of some of the things that we've talked about, found out about you during your past interviews here. What are some of the more compelling things? That I am Mormon. That's one thing that's come up. Yeah, I'm married. I have three kids. Two of them have a bleeding disorder. Really?

Yeah. What's the bleeding disorder? It's called Glansman's. That's the common name for it. It's like hemophilia, right? But a different cause. Same effect, different cause. What do they bleed out of? Anywhere they get cut.

Wherever he hits them? Yeah. They bruise really easily, so I can't hit any of my kids. So if they get cut, they bleed a lot? Is that right? Yeah. Their blood does not clot. So they have the platelets, but it doesn't. Can they just carry around glue and stuff?

Is there some kind of thing, like emergency? Yeah. I mean, we have special medicine. Dr. Red Band here. If they can't clot, you should be able to carry around some Play-Doh. Here's some Elmer's, you idiot. Good luck. We show them Bob the Builder, and then we.

So we have special medication that we have on hand. That was Bob the Builder, and then we... So we have special medication that we have on hand. That was Bob the Builder. Oh, that's the Bob the Builder theme. Yeah, yeah. So we have special medication that we give them when they start to bleed for any reason. They typically have done it when they're younger and are teething and bite their tongue or their lip, right?

Wow. Wow. Have you had any close calls? A lot of bleed outs? My son, we went to the ER twice when he was learning how to walk because he's an idiot and would fall and hit his mouth all the time. Yeah. So we would have

to go to the ER. He got a blood transfusion when he was just over a year old. Oh, jeez. Good lord. You said one of them's a girl? Yes. I have two daughters and one of them has glands. Yeah. And she's nine months old now. Oh.

Yeah, we're excited for the teenage years. It's going to be fun. I mean, I was thinking it. What happens when she has a period? That's exactly what I was talking about. Wow, this is like a weird. I was just watching all of you go for that fucking dangling grape right there. So the audience was ahead of

all of you, by the way. Yeah, obviously. They were groaning at the moment I said. Wow, when she becomes a grown up girl, she might maybe uh, ba-ba-ba-ba-da-bam. Yeah. Fucking really hit it out of the park. Any more of this, my ears are gonna start uncontrollably bleeding. I have medication

for you. Thank you. So Seth, how's it going with the wife raising three kids? What are the ages again? Good. My oldest is seven, so it's seven, four, and then nine months old. Seven, four, nine. What's mom do? Stay at home? No. What does she do? I stay at home, actually. Look at that. Daddy does best.

Women are the future, right? You guys look at judging me. I don't work, so eat it, you know? You're a little bitch. Yeah, she does very well for both of us. What does she do? She teaches and does research out of the business school at USC. Oh, wow.

So your daughter, when she becomes a teenager, what's going to happen? She'll probably find out how awesome it is to be a woman. And our society will be better. Right? So. I'm just trying to move on from the, you know. Gross. Dangling grape.

Oh, I was too. I have no idea how we got back there. Bologna Pete is. Now, this grape. What is this grape that you're talking about? Concord. Concord grapes. It's a low-hanging fruit.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Can I tell you the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life? Yes, please do. Give us something to work with here. Yeah. Have those fucking kids. I know.

So this happened before I had kids. I know. And they're all white, so a lot of people would be like, that is a terrible thing. Let's get to it, Seth. What's the worst thing you've ever done? 17 years old. I was in Nauvoo and I... What's Nauvoo? Is that an avatar world or something? What is that?

What? Nauvoo is a little city. A little city in Illinois. In Illinois? Yeah. I was in college and it was a study afar, right? So not quite abroad. Anyhow, the point is... Is that the guy from Aladdin? Okay.

Very close. Very close. And you have a daughter? Yeah. So got to know a guy in a wheelchair, mechanized wheelchair, right? He had a live-in nurse and I talked to him a few times, and one time at an activity at church, he came up and asked me to help him out.

And I asked him with what. He brought over his live-in nurse and said, we need to go find a private room to talk. It ended up that he had used his wheelchair to key a guy's truck because that guy had stolen his girlfriend to key a guy's truck because that guy had stolen his girlfriend and he needed to be punished.

That's a real Professor X situation. Yeah. So what did you do? He asked me to lift him out of his wheelchair so that his live-in nurse could spank him with a wooden spoon. And you did?

I wanted to be a good person. Wow. I was 17, you know? I didn't know what else to do. You were 17, you're holding a guy while he's getting spanked. Not while. Not while. We found a room with a table, and so I just sort of flopped him on the table.

Yep, yep. Butt side up. Was it a ping pong table? No. Don't you usually have to be at least 18 for something like that? I mean, deniability, right? Wow. So that's the worst thing I've ever done.

Well, it's funny because the worst thing I've ever done is let you tell that story. That's incredible. All right. It's contagious. I wanted to give you something, but. No, I love it. But Seth, you had a fun setup here. Hey, thanks, man. It was nice to meet you. It's fun to see, like I you something, but... No, I love it. But Seth, you had a fun setup here. Hey, thanks, man.

And it was nice to meet you. It's fun to see, like I said earlier, people growing, getting better, still signing up and showing off their new skills. There you go, Seth, everybody. He's on Twitter, StLawrence7. There he goes. Seth, everybody.

How exciting. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow, look at that. How many of you guys like middle-of-the-road comedians? How many of you guys like middle-of-the-road comedians? I love that the guy did bad the first time and still signed up and did it again.

That shows a lot. He rose like a phoenix. Exactly. Who's this guy with the pussy whip shirt? What's going on here, Tony? He's with Cassandra. I'm pretty sure Cassandra probably dressed him up like that. It says pussy whipped on his shirt. That's Cassandra's

what can we call him? Friend. Wow. Someone might be in the dog house after last week's episode. I like that hat though. Hey, how many square footage is that dog house? Doghouse after last week's episode, huh? I like that hat, though. Hey, how many square footages at Doghouse?

The new Death Squad hat. Pull the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jason Eckstein, everyone. Jason Eckstein. Here he comes. Hey. You can... Duh-duh! Dun-dun-dun!

Dun-dun-dun! Livin' in! Hey! What's up, guys? Of course I get called when I'm fuckin' wearin' shorts. It's about as hot as balls here. I don't know how you people do it. Monkeys shouldn't fuckin' live in the desert.

What are you doin'? I don't know. Uh... Oh. Monkeys shouldn't fucking live in the desert. What are you doing? I don't know. Tony, one thing you asked last time I was on here is other issues that I have. I have a little unknown neurological condition called narcolepsy and cataplexy. Cataplexy is like the fainting goats of the human world. People that have this will just black out if they laugh too hard. Not me, though. I guess I've just never experienced that kind of joy.

I also grew up in a cultish-like upbringing that I like to refer to as Mormon light. Yeah, that's what they are now, or would be. Much more hardcore when I was a kid. They had the number two circus tent in the world that we used to get together in every year for a large gathering. Didn't occur to me that I was in a cult trying to jump ahead until we moved. Wow. Jason Exon.

That ledge, my friend. Hey. Jason. Jason. Jason. You signed up tonight. Yep. You signed your name on a piece of paper.

Yeah, for both. And I was like, oh, i'll change if i get you know but i didn't you've been on this show before this is my third time actually how is this how did this uh rack up against your other two do you think well i kept going at least i mean the last time that means all three have gone bad that's good to know uh heck yeah i remember something about you right you're i'm a disabled veteran. I'm homeless. That's right. Disabled veteran, homeless, but you're content with being homeless, right? Yeah, I got a van now. Yeah, you got a van.

That's a new thing. How about that? See, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, you were here when I was here last time. Weren't you here when I was here? That was my first time, my 56th time on a stage. Wow. I remember.

You've made zero improvements. I think I am a lot more confident. I mean, this is still pressure. You've got comedy chops on. I was like, as soon as I fucking came in here with shorts, I'm like, I'm going to get fucking pulled. What are you doing, Jason? Dude, it's not the shorts we're going to make fun of, bro.

Yeah, I had to address it. The shorts. You've got to be ready every time. It doesn't matter. I'm still ready, I feel like. I like the pressure putting myself in that spot of making it harder on myself or whatever

because I've only been doing it since October, so what does it fucking matter? It's good that you keep bouncing up no matter what. That's the important thing. That's my life. Wow. Jesus. I love it. You do anything for fun over there, Van Wilder? Well, I went back to Indiana to forage mushrooms,

but I mostly worked on the van. Edible mushrooms and shit, I foraged those. I like survival shit and wilderness stuff more than city life. I love it. Growing mushrooms in Indiana. What was your job in the military? I was a mechanic. So, yeah, I've worked on computers

and engines and hydraulics and built hovercraft. I've done all kinds of shit. Wow, that's awesome. What branch of the military again? I was in the Coast Guard. Oh, that one. Yep. That's why I made fun of it first

last time. I love the Coast Guard. My grandfather was in the Coast Guard. I'm wearing his ring. last time. I love the Coast Guard. My grandfather was in the Coast Guard. I'm wearing his ring. And now you're in the Rose Guard. Yeah. Got it. Good one. Good one, baloney.

Baloney Pete. So, Jason, where did you serve? Did you go overseas? No, I was on a ship first out of North Carolina, actually. Wilmington. You ever heard of Fayetteville before? Yep. All right.

And then you were stationed in Wilmington, that's it? And then I was stationed in New Orleans. Wow, North Carolina and New Orleans, what a hero. No, I'm just kidding, I'm kidding. I was in New Orleans I was in New Orleans At an anti-terrorism unit And we deployed to Guantanamo And then we came back in 05 after that

And Katrina hit New Orleans Wow Guantanamo Did you see anything crazy when you were at Guantanamo We moved some people around Marines and shit I heard they play your act to torture the inmates. This is always, to me, just like a wing it, like, I don't know. I like riffing more than I like trying to say

my same shit over and over again. You're just getting roasted, dude. No, I love it. So Jason, how did you become disabled? What happened? I was in a boating accident. I fucked my back up and hit my head. I bulged a couple discs and started having sciatica issues and stuff like that. Wow.

Wow. Have you ever gotten hit in the balls by a baseball and used that as an excuse for being gay? No, but I did get hit in the nuts by a military wad of full roll of toilet paper. Military shit. So it's like that single ply, super hard, fucking scratches your asshole every time you wipe. Oh my goodness. Oh yeah. You probably use it

in your porta potties. I have no idea what military toilet paper is like, but it sounds amazing. I mean, it sounds like that'd be a good first approach. It ain't no Charmin, I'll tell you that. Start with that, then one swipe of regular, and then perhaps a wet wipe.

You ever do that, a three-layer wipe? You live in a van, you wipe your ass properly? Oh, I have fucking portable wipes normally and shit. Very cool. Where do you shit living in a van? In fucking places. Outside of the van. Yeah.

Now I have to ask him again. Where do you shit? Do you have any places that you've lived in a van now and you've been homeless for a while? Clearly it's outside of the van, but is there a special place that you found so that people don't see you, or are you just right there in the middle of the fucking street

outside of the van? I'm not fucking that kind of homeless. I have morals or something that people don't see you or are you just right there in the middle of the fucking street outside of the van? I'm not fucking that kind of homeless. I have morals or something. I don't know. Or I just don't want everybody to judge me. Hey, move your van! I'm just interested in where you would shit.

The gym, fucking nice places that are quiet or whatever. Where do you tend to leave your van around Los Angeles? Oh, Chroma Chris. I was just going to say he took a big old shit on the stage earlier. Is there a favorite place

that you like to station your van at? You have like a part of Los Angeles or Rancho Cucamonga or something like that? I just got back in the van. I did eight weeks in my Prius when I first came out here in October. Hey, Tony. Yes, baloney Pete. Yeah, yeah, this is real important. It must be.

Right after he said he took a dump on stage or whatever, he leaned over and almost fell, saying, I'm sorry I said that. He's had a rough life. Didn't want to hurt his feelings. I haven't killed myself yet. It ain't going to happen with you guys. I'm sorry. I could tell some horrible shit there, but I'm not going to.

Wait, what? What did you just say? All right. I had a friend commit suicide when I was a sophomore in high school. She hung herself in the restroom. This guy's depressing as hell. Sometimes it's my favorite thing to do is to bring the mood down. No, you're doing good.

You're doing good. Let's see how good... It's like reverse comedy. I love it. Let's fucking do it. It's killing. You guys like it, right? I want to hear more of this story.

This guy looks like Luigi if he never had Mario Brothers. When I was a sophomore in high school, there was a girl that... I had a crush on her too. We were in JRTC together and homeroom, but she hung herself sophomore year in the restroom at the school.

Was it before or after you asked her to homecoming? Oh my God. She just broke up with her long-term boyfriend like the week before, so I hadn't worked up the nerves yet. You were like, hey, you want to hang out? I'm a courageous fuck. Oh my god.

Joel Berg. Good lord. Wow. So you had a crush on her. She hung herself. Then what? That's it? Was that the whole story?

I mean, that was back when I had no balls. So you're not well hung. Oh, no. I don't know if I'm red band level there. How did you get her down? Or did she fall in love with you? No, I never worked up the nerves to even tell her that I had a crush on her or anything like that. Wow, just think. If you would have told her that, maybe she would have hung herself earlier.

Yeah, you wouldn't have left her hanging. Heck yeah. My goodness. You took her breath away. Wow. Did that affect you a lot? Yeah, of course. No, I didn't go, yeah.

But I would never kill myself. So when I got depressed, when I fucked myself up at 23, yeah, when I had sex with myself, guys, my dick's a fucking circle, I don't know. There we go, yeah. I got addicted to painkillers and all kinds of shit because i i was anti-drug that's why i went in the coast guard so when they start throwing all that shit at me and i believe the white coats telling me oh you take this and you'll be better or whatever and shit and sending me down seven medications fucking path or whatever uh yeah but now you're clean i

didn't kill myself now you're clean. I didn't kill myself. Now you're not on painkillers. You don't want to kill yourself. You found something that you love to do. You smoke weed. But but but you call doctors the white coats now. Is that right? It was just what I said in the moment.

Yeah. OK. Well, I can tell you, yeah. Okay. Well. I could tell you some shit about that. Get your shots! Do you have a job? I don't know if I got that part. Or you get something sent to you from disability or something like that?

Yeah, I'm sitting in the government there right now. Wow, how's that going for you? I'm going to make up for the ignorance of my past of getting out and not figuring that shit out. Wow. Well, good luck with that. Stick with the stand-up. I love how happy and content you are.

There's a lot of great comics that have lived in cars. I lived in mine for a little while a long time ago, and a lot of great ones still do. Malcolm Hatchett. So you know if you buckle down and you write and you keep going up as much as you can. One day you could be living in my car. You know.

You did 120 mics in March and you said that not into the microphone. Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Eckstein everyone. Come on. Goddamn American hero. You got it. National Guard. Goddamn American hero just ran into the camera.

Good job. I would understand. I would understand. The girl he liked in sophomore year stepped off that ledge, my friend. Makes sense. Comes full circle, much like the noose that was around. Okay.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? Good old all-American fun. Yes. I'm having fun. We say no one has more fun on Mondays than us. Pulled another name out. This looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Nico Jaffe. Nico Jaffe. J-A-F-F-E. Nico Jaffe. Make usA-F-F-E. Nico Jaffe, make us laughy. Yeah. Nico. Here he comes. Nico.

Nico Jaffe, everybody. Nico, please. What's up, everybody? What's up, everybody? I'm Jewish. I like to start with that because, you know, I look like I hate them. But white dude, wouldn't trade it for the world. Turns out it's pretty sweet. Yeah, I got white privilege and I know it. Some of my buddies I feel like don't though. Like the other day I was talking to a friend and he was like, man, Nico, aren't you glad weed's legal?

I was like, dude, we're white. It's always been legal. You going to let me hit that or I got minor problems I want to avoid? So how was lacrosse? Going through a breakup. Breakups are weird, right? A lot like getting out of prison. Because at first the freedom's nice,

and then you start to miss the sex. So, you know. Cool. Yeah! Hell yeah. Yeah. Cool. I hope so. Yeah. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show. Nico, first time?

Yeah. Heck yeah. First time on Keltoni. I love it. Second time here. Second time at the comedy store. Yeah. Where are you from? Claremont.

So not in LA either. Right. Thank you. How long have you been hosting Legion of Skanks? It's a part-time gig, so a couple months. Cool. Heck, yeah. So, Nico, welcome to the show.

You were in prison? No, no, no. Auschwitz? I still live with my parents, though, so. You said he was Jewish. It's true. It's true. You still live with your parents?

Yeah. I'm 23. Just graduated college. Going to law school next year. 23. You don't look a day over Vin Diesel. Law school, huh? What do you think you're going to be? What's your specialty going to be?

I'm going to study cannabis law, actually. Wow. Look at that. I think it's passed to the left, I think, is the law. And don't bogart the weed. Do you think now is a good time to get into cannabis law now that it's legal? Yeah. If I were you, I would get into mushrooms law or any other drug law there's still laws you know

i'm hoping we'll we'll work our way there really what's happening is uh my parents are making me go to law school and i just decided that's probably the easiest thing to study there right yeah well that's that's yeah because the test will be like, you know, is weed legal? It'll sound like that. Yeah, and they're like, you're a lawyer now. I'm hoping. Yeah. I'm hoping.

There's always a job for you on the site if you ever need one. Appreciate it. That's it, right? You pass the bar. You think you're going to follow through with law school? I'm not so sure. I don't know. My parents said if I go,

they'll pay for my apartment. And so I'm just going to do stand-up while I'm there. And what, I got to read a couple books or something? It'll be chill. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, drain their bank accounts. What do your parents do? They can rent you an apartment for $1,500 a month instead of spending $400,000 on law school if you don't want to go. I got a merit scholarship.

Oh, okay. Oh, fuck it. Look at you. Jesus. That shapes some of the money off, huh? Yeah, a pretty significant chunk. Right. What are your picks?

I got it. There you go. You are the most Mexican-looking Jewish person I have ever seen. Is that true? You're Jewish? Yeah, no, straight up. Straight up Jewish person I have ever seen. Is that true? You're Jewish? Yeah, no, straight up. Straight up Jewish. Fuck yeah, cool.

You fucking building pyramids? He gets it. All right, Brian. What are your parents? Of course he's Jewish. He looks like an uncircumcised penis. My parents are both attorneys, too. Ah, I had a feeling.

What kind of law do they study? They do real estate law. Real estate laws. That confirms it. You're Jewish. If you feed this guy after midnight, he turns into Jeff Ross. Oh, I love it. You ever go to Temple or anything like that? You practice? I love it.

You ever go to temple or anything like that? You practice? I used to go to meet girls. How does the yarmulke stay on your head? Same thing that stops kids who don't bleed. You just throw some Elmer's on it and it sticks. I see what you did there. It's a callback. It's a solid company.

What was I saying? Talking about what? Real estate law or something? Yeah, they do real estate law, and I'm Jewish, and whatever. What are you? You're 23? 23. What do you do for fun?

What are 23-year-olds doing for fun nowadays? I hate that. You hate that? Do you really hate that? Don't be honest. He hates it. I hate that You hate that? Do you really hate that? Don't be honest I hate it Because you constantly Like what

Do you do that all the time in real life? Sometimes, yeah Alright It's just like a Jeez, Redman Just don't be friends with him in real life I won't Are you going to do that

When we're hanging out later? What are you doing, man? Quit laughing like that, man. I'm going to take you out for dinner after this. You're ruining your chances with me. Hashtag me like Bufar. So you laughed a lot. I'm excited to hear the answer, what you like to do for fun.

Any hobbies or anything? I hang out with my girlfriend a lot. So just wherever she wants to go because I don't have a lot of free time. Yeah. Is she going to law school too? Maybe. I don't know.

So you're just following her around? She's in grad school. If you keep following her around, you're going to end up like that guy with the dumb hat in the second row. His head is down. The guy don't got no dick. Available now at shopsquad.com.

This guy, Cole Alexander, got in big trouble this past week. Is your girlfriend supportive of you being a comedian? Sometimes. Sometimes. Anytime I get paid for a show, because some of the bits are about her, she makes me give her half. So she's Jewish too.

Joel Berg. Wow. That's really true? She tries, but I don't let her. Then you give her the full 100%, you know what I'm saying? Whoa, baloney Pete. Oh my goodness.

Wow, look at this horny Atlantis Morissette over here. Just going crazy right now. You ought to know. Wow, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? College. College. Heck yeah. I love it. Small little liberal arts college. Is she still in college?

She's going to go to grad school, so she graduated. Is she here? No, she's not. She's in Dallas for an internship. Hopefully being faithful, am I right? Yeah, probably not. She's probably with the Dallas Cowboys right now, just getting fucking... No, wait. I just got to ask.

I've never heard, am I right, used in that context before. Like, I hope my girlfriend's not cheating on me. Am I right? Like, what did you mean by that? Because you can put baloney pee. That was weird, man. I love it. I love it. That was weird, man. I love it. I love it.

I love it, Nico. Well, this was how long have you been in stand-up again? Eight months. Eight months. Very fun, man. Well, it was nice to meet you. A lot of fun during the interview. A lot of fun on stage.

Congratulations. Come back again. Nico Jaffe, everybody. Heck yeah. Nico Jaffe, everybody. Heck yeah. I know that if I ever need a good weed lawyer, I'm going to that guy.

I like that he's not following the parents' plan. He's going to law school, but he's also trying his adventure of comedy. That's great. Yeah, how about one more time for him? Nico Jaffe, everyone. I love it. You know, we have a regular on this show who performs a brand new minute every single week.

And before we bring him up, I want to tell you about People's Choice Beef Jerky, LA's original small batch beef jerky. People's Choice Beef Jerky is a family business from California that's been making quality jerky for over 85 years. Unlike mass-produced beef jerky, People's Choice Beef Jerky is marinated, sliced, and cooked by hand.

That's right. People's Choice Beef Jerky is handmade in small batches. And I want to tell you about their newest release, the Nashville Hot. Actually, let me tell you about it. Yeah. If you like spicy foods, you'll love Nashville Hot. The Nashville Hot is made with thick cuts of 100% USA beef cooked with high-end pepper, chili powder, garlic powder, and smoked paprika.

It is slow-cooked, creating a flavor profile that is spicy and satisfying. And this is authentic Kraft jerky. Whole pieces, thick cut, chewy steak-like texture, not that soft stuff that you could actually taste the meat. You know that? They sent us some this weekend and we ate it. It's fucking hot as fuck.

It's great if you like hot foods. Wow, there you go. Two F words for your improvisational part. Very good. Beef jerky is great for staying healthy. It's a high energy snack loaded with protein. So go to peopleschoicebeefjerky.com They have a diverse line of products and flavors and if you use the promo code

TonyHot, you're going to get 20% off your order of the Nashville Hot Beef Jerky. So once more, that's peopleschoicebeefjerky.com, and use promo code TONYHOT for 20% off your order of the Nashville Hot Beef Jerky. You guys ready to get back into the show or what? We have a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. You know him. You love him. He's got a wild, wild, fun, creative energy and improvisational skill.

Put your hands together for the great William Montgomery, everybody. I'm crazy for feelings. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise. Come on, people, make some fucking noise! So I'm gonna set a scene. Tim Tebow is still playing in the NFL. I found myself doing a Tebow the other night.

I wasn't kneeling down in prayer, but to do the cocaine off the table. So I have a website. It's called Streaming Diamonds. It's a lot like Netflix, but we just have a website. It's called Streaming Diamonds. It's a lot like Netflix, but we just have earnest movies. I don't know who's been stealing the plastic containers out of my mailbox, but fucking bring them back!

It's an impression of me when I lived in the Philippines. Don't be alarmed at the color of my skin. I'm not going to be robbing any of y'all tonight. That's not a black joke. It's a Filipino joke. I don't know if y'all have ever been to the Philippines before. It's a nightmare.

I'm doing 30 minutes tonight. Red band, what do I... William Montgomery. It's exciting to be up here. Jeff Ross and I were in the Flipper remix about the dolphin. Wow. You know, William, that seems like a pretty blatant lie.

The Flipper remix? Are you talking about a remake of a movie or a remix like a song of a TV show? Flipper 2. I don't know if y'all remember Mambo No. 5. His cousin actually is the director, Lou Bega. My goodness.

It's all true. I know because it was so weird. I love it. Wow. What was it like being on set with Jeff Ross? It was weird. I just remember a couple afternoons, the guy was just fucking, we were like, we're hungry.

What are you going to give us? He was giving us almond joys. We were like, why are you doing that? He's like, we're in the fucking Philippines. And what did you say? I was like, let's fucking get out of here. My goodness. It was a nightmare. We were down there, what, two years, three years?

It was almost four years. Almost four years. It felt like four years. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I got malaria. Yeah, what was that like when you got malaria? What do you remember? What were your symptoms?

That was the chick he fucked. Malaria Martinez. I don't know if y'all have ever been to the Philippines. Oh, she's been on the show. They look like Asian people, but they have Hispanic names. That's so weird, isn't it? Weird thing. Remember when we worked together at the What's your shirt say?

Laser Quest Arena Oh yeah I forgot about that The Laser Park That was a fun year It was so weird We opened up some arenas down in the Philippines One of the last weeks we were there Some guy was in front of the smoke machine

A tad too long Died I was like Jeff what are we going to do? I don't have insurance. So what did you say when he asked you? I just told him that he was going to be okay. And that whatever happens in life, we're in it together.

And I appreciated that. All right. Thanks, William. Y'all should have seen it. We right. Thanks, William. Y'all should have seen it. We actually did some other movie. It was called Free Willy 2. It was based on Jeff and I planing the pipe bombs

underneath the bleachers, 96 Olympics. I don't know if y'all remember that, but one of the great scenes, M.I.A. Paper Planes is playing. We paid a lot of money for the rights to that song. It was insane. And one of just my favorite scenes, we're both booking it after we ignite the fuse under the bleachers.

You were a little quicker than me. I know. And I look back and I'm like, Jeff, why are you wearing fucking flip flops? I told you to put on the aqua socks. We had been at a lake earlier. Let's give it up for the South, y'all.

Great to see you, buddy. I had no idea you guys had this entire history. This is all new to me. We go way back to the first Gulf War. Wow. I was actually in a tank. I don't know if y'all have ever been a tank captain,

but let's just say drink your Gatorade. I got so dehydrated in that. You were a tank captain in the first Gulf War? I was. I used to wear a bandana. William, how old are you? How old are you, William? I'm 43.

You look great. Thank you so much. I eat vitamins, drink prune juice, read the newspaper every day. I don't know if you all remember Play-Doh. I eat Play-Doh. I'm kidding. Remember that time we got drunk in Philadelphia with the airplane pilot and the stewardess? I couldn't believe it.

We ended up in the fucking cockpit. We both had pipe bombs. I was like, Jeff, this is the flight. We're gonna fly into a fucking building. And what'd you say? I said, we gotta get the fuck out of here. Oh, no.

Fuck yes. Yes. It was a nightmare. I was on edge. Just those two pipe bombs, we somehow made it through airport security. What happened when that lady frisked you? I started getting ticklish. I don't know if y'all have ever seen Jeff laugh,

but it is a... ever seen Jeff laugh, but it is a... William, clearly you're having a lot of fun. Very exciting. We know that a lot of people around the entire

world know of you now from this show. A lot of people, a lot of people love you. When we're out there on the road, so many people say that they wish you were there and everything. But with great, especially, you know,

take it from Red Band and I, with a bit of internet fame comes a lot of haters, and we know that you've had some of those recently. Is there any internet trolls that perhaps you'd like to call out right now that have been bothering you? Yeah, I'm glad you asked me that. There are now probably three Cracker Barrel 55 people.

One of them sent me a picture of my parents' house the other night. Sent a picture? Yeah. Of your parents' house? I was like, what is that, 249 St. Andrew's Sphere? How did you get there? You think maybe it might be your parents? Have you ever thought about that? Ooh.

Yeah. We've met the Montgomery's. They've been on this show. Larry, is it you? Wow. Well, William, you are so much goddamn fun uh we need to get you uh thank you so much it's fun we need to figure out a way to get you out of that goddamn self-storage unit job that keeps you here in los angeles all the time and i'll be honest i last thing i'll say literally

today i befriendedended two old guys at the self-storage unit place. Some motherfucker named Paul who I befriended. My manager Dominic wasn't in. Neither was Chris, my other manager. I don't think you should be naming your manager's names on this show,

Will. Or giving out your home address. Yeah. That was... So what happened? Seriously, I mean, I didn't want to bring this up, but Paul was talking shit today, and it hurt my feelings. I went across the street.

Yeah, it was a nightmare. Well, you know what, William? Maybe one day Paul will be looking back. He'll find out that you were on this show, and he'll go back and he'll find this episode. Why don't you look at that camera right down the middle there and tell Paul what you thought of his actions today? you're worried about your cough you have. I am as well. I think you're dying. So today when you were talking shit,

I sucked it up because I just prayed to God. You were having fun. It just sort of gave you one last sort of nice memory in life. I was sitting behind the computer. I was playing Solitaire. I don't know if you all played Spider Solitaire, but just wanting to cry. Just wanting to cry. It was a nightmare.

William, quick question for you. Is that your parents' house right there? On this screen? Okie dokie. Alright. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. Come on, people.

That's a real goddamn artist right there, William Montgomery. Oh, God. That's not his parents' house. Yeah, thank goodness it's not his actual parents' house. That was a close call. You guys think we should go back to this bucket one more time? By the way, shout out to our friend from Kansas, Trey Thompson, who actually made this bucket for us a few days ago with his art teacher girlfriend. And we took it from Lawrence, Kansas, to Des Moines, to Omaha.

And it ended up somehow in my fucking suitcase today and since it did, I figured why not use it during this episode. And all the people that made buckets. Some cities we had like three buckets, man. Thank you for all that. We'll sign them if you guys bring them. It's so cool. Yeah, if you bring a bucket on the road at the end of the episode, we'll sign

it for you and give it to you so that you have a little souvenir. It's a cool thing. Look how cool this one is. It's got all your tour dates on the back. Yeah, it's really fun. And it's, you know, it stays, the paint stays on it. Congrats, Tony. You got a cool thing going. A lot of these buckets fall apart by the end of the episode, but not

this one. Durable, sturdy, fucking American-made bucket. Well built. It's fun because for a lot of comics, this show is on their bucket list. It's true. That is true. I pulled a name out.

Put your hands together for Danny Carranza, everybody. Danny Carranza. Here comes Danny Carranza, everybody. Hello, everyone. Old people tend to give me the same expression that I think that they give a shooting star whenever they see me in public. Let's see. Well, my roommate, he actually made me think that Jesus was probably a magician,

um, because one time he couldn't make rent and he actually asked me for the money. Uh, and I said, uh, no, no, no such thing. I would never do that. And he, and I told him, well, what's going to be your solution instead? And he said, well, actually, I'm just going to pray. And I said, what? And he said, yeah, dude, every time I need something, and, like, I can't get it, I just go to my room, and I just pray, and that's it. And I'm like, so you don't actually, I don't know,

step up and get a fucking job? And he's like, no, no. I just pray, and it'll come true. And yeah, that made me think I can't believe there's actually people that survive like that. It's pretty scary. Alright, Danny Carranza, everybody, with a

new minute of stand-up. Hello. Danny Carranza, clearly the newest redrawn Sonic the Hedgehog. Yeah, looks way more incredible. I was going to say, what happened to Russell Peters, man? Danny, take a step this way so that you face the audience. When you mentioned that shooting star, I thought you were talking about Tito or Big Papi.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I love that. You heard about that? That was sad. Yeah, it's crazy. Hey, did you Oh, yeah. I love that. You heard about that? That was sad. Yeah, it's crazy. Hey, did you wash your hair with your laundry again? It is an incredible look, Danny.

Is it true that you're from Rancho Blucamunga? No, it's not. Joel Turd. Whoa, look at that. Oh, okay. I see how it is. Wow. I mean, you are quite the... I feel like I know you from somewhere.

The Smurfs? When I first moved out here. Police lineup? I first moved out here a couple years ago. I told you that... You look like a character that he would play. I said, fuck it. I don't want to live in this shithole in North Carolina anymore.

And I want to come to LA. And so, yeah. So, like in a day and a half, no sleep, fuck it. I don't want to live in this shithole in North Carolina anymore, and I want to come to L.A. And so, yeah, so, like, in a day and a half, no sleep, no food, I just came here with my dog, and I was homeless for, like, three months. Yeah, and I would just basically just spend it all the time just hanging out at the beach and, like, taking my dog to dog beaches, hiking with him, and then I came to see you because I told you that, like, Kill Tony is, like, everything for me. Wow. Yeah, and so I've been wanting to because I told you that, like, Kill Tony is, like, everything for me. Wow.

Yeah. And so I've been wanting to be a comedian, but it's been so goddamn hard. Like, there's been so many things going wrong. And just recently, shit's been great, and two weeks ago, Joel, like, lit my ass on fire to be a fucking comedian and do it now and not have to wait to kill Tony for the first time to get up. So fucking cool. So how long have you been in L.A.?

When did you make that move? Like two years I've been back. Two years. Let's check in with Baloney Pete for just a second. Yeah, yeah. Is your dog funnier than you? I hope so, because I just found out he might have died, but I think he's just being, like, kidnapped.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You sort of stopped projecting halfway through that. You just you said I just found out that he might have died. And what? Or like like the guy that I gave him to to like take care of. Like, I don't think he wants to give him back. I think that's a situation.

Wow. How long ago did you give him your dog? In October. I had to move out of the place that I was staying at. And your dog's dead, man. That's what I mean. I kind of I kind of like don't I was staying at. Yeah, your dog's dead, man. I kind of don't know whether I should face those feelings. When's the last time you checked in with the dog owner?

Literally, I think the last time he talked to me was a month after October. So November. How old is the dog? Three. Three years old. So how do you say it died? Huh? How do you say it died?

He said that he ran into the backyard, went into the neighbor's yard, ate something, and then, like, he took him to the vet because he got sick. He had to pay, like, $3,000, and then he died. And, like, I had to get the cops to get him on the phone because he wouldn't outright tell me. He wouldn't answer my calls, my messages, nothing for months. I'm like, fuck, I don't know how to feel. I don't know whether to accept it because like I said, this dog was like everything.

What was the dog's name? Stitch. Stitch. Well, stitches get stitches. Yeah. What was the cop? What did the cops say when you were like, hey, you called this fucking random ass dude and asked me if my dog is around? I mean, I didn't know what to do next. L.A. PD was like, I don't know how to tell you this, man, but we don't have time for this at all.

They have plenty of time, actually. The dog's dead. Move on. People are killing each other downtown We got riots going on Alright have a nice day buddy He called the police He's like yes men in blue

Me too Look at you How long have you had your hair dyed like that? Like over a year Wow look at that Okay Let me give you It's been two years

Maybe the dog committed suicide Probably Sounds like it That's a tough one man Okay Let me give you It's been two years Maybe the dog committed suicide Probably Sounds like it That's a tough one man That's a tough one I feel your pain I feel your pain You know what

You should work it out And write some jokes about that That'd be A good therapy I just started like two weeks ago Like I said You started Truly started stand up

Two weeks ago Yeah literally two weeks ago I was hearing this kill Tony And I signed up for the first time I didn't even know you had to go over that side to sit down. Well, where were you? Over here. You see me all the time.

I talked to Joel because I adore all you guys. So you got here two years ago and you said a lot of stuff was going bad. You were homeless and now you said lately stuff's been going good. Can you give us some examples of the good

stuff? I finally got a good job working for Amazon. Oh, wow. Great. I work six days a week. Not because I have to. I only have to work four days but I just want to fucking hustle. Yeah, you're Mexican.

I go out for open mics three or four times every day. I guess I've been up five times in the past two weeks, each week. Wow, look at you. It's amazing the time that you can create to work and chase hobbies when you abandon your dog.

Yeah, really. I kind of think about it. I'm like, fuck, if I had a dog, I couldn't really be out here. Look, I mean. You got to get a new dog, bro. Yeah. No, I think I want to get a girlfriend first. Hey, look at that.

Hey, bitches and bitches. Yeah. I love that. Have you ever thought about ordering one off Amazon? Not yet. They're not that advanced yet. You about ordering one off Amazon? Not yet. They're not that advanced yet. You got a job at Amazon? What kind of job?

A delivery. Delivery job. Are you part of the new drone program? Because you're at kind of drone down. That was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun. It's exciting, man.

So when did you and I have that talk? What killed me? How long ago? Fuck. I don't remember exactly what episode it might have been. Right, man. So when did you and I have that talk? What killed Tony? How long ago? Oh, fuck. I don't remember exactly what episode it might have been. Right. I mean, I'm talking about when. I think it was around Jeff Ross, like around that time.

He's been on it quite a few times. I know what I'm saying, like two years ago. Oh, two years ago. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Very cool, man. That's interesting. He looks like a genie who gives three wishes at a hookah lounge.

Oh, my God. All right, you're giving me the blues. Yeah. Sorry. You are, as for a guy this blue, you are extremely green. You just started writing and working at it two weeks ago, but it sounds like you have a work ethic.

How old are you? 25. 25 years old so you know i'm telling you you have all the chances that just any comedian any of these people with their name on the wall you have the same chance that they had when they were i mean i feel like i have the same origin the whole shitty childhood depression living in my car yeah it's true fired from every job i've ever had i was like fuck, fuck it, I got it. He's blue without a D-Baba dog.

I love it. I think he said he's blue, what was that again? Without a D-Baba dog. I said he's blue without a D-Baba D-Baba dog. He's blue without a D-Baba dog. Without a D-Baba dog. Without a D-Baba dog. And's blue. Without a demon, I'm a dog. Without a demon, I'm a dog.

Without a demon, I'm a dog. And watch out. And then go down. And then go down. We actually have a special treat for you, Danny. We actually have on the phone right now, we are talking live with Stitches

right now. Is there anything that you'd like to say to Stitches? Yeah, man. I just want to know that he got me where I am now. Without him, I wouldn't. Hey, can I personify the dog for a second? It wasn't worth it. Why'd you let me die?

How about one more time good and loud for danny caranza huh you know what why don't we do something special since it is what pride month since her uh the uh man formerly known as perhaps boyfriend uh had a a one-sided conversation about her on stage last week while she wasn't here. Since she made cookies and is dressed adorably as a gigantic vagina. Let's do something fun. And she's been on this show a few times. We love her. She started here.

And she tries. She works hard at it. Ladies and gentlemen, a spot for Cassandra Cass, everybody. Let's do it. Why not? Here she comes. Da-ba-dee-ba-da-da, ba-da-ba-dee-da-da-bop. Come on, your final comedian of the night.

Let's see how loud this place can get. Cassandra Cass, everybody. Hi, my name. Cassandra Cass, everybody. Hi. My name is Cassandra Cass. You might have seen me or heard about me or even whispered about me. I want to introduce you all to my vagina. But I'll tell you, don't get too close

because the two former comedians who have have bombed on Kill Tony. I've recently been dating a comedian, yes, and the hardest thing is to actually pretend like he's funnier than me. And I will say, every time we go out, I have to pick up the check because he never has any money. And we all know my pussy's expensive. That's all I got. I'm hot as hell. Look at that. Sorry.

I'm owning it down there at the end. Wow. Nice pussy. Interesting. Cassandra Cass. Yes. Look at you This is a angry pussy Yeah I guess so

That's amazing Did you make that? I did That's what I do I do burlesque shows I travel all over the world And I've done it for 20 years. And I'm damn good at it.

You are. Damn right. Absolutely. Cassandra, so this is exciting. Have you been having fun with life? You been doing stand-up anywhere else? Yeah. I actually got the honor of, you know, David Arquette wrestles.

And he's an amazing human being and he invited me to be a friend of the Kill Tony show. I'm wrestling with my sexuality right now. Well, baby, don't make me lift this up. You might really get there. Right? My goodness.

Nice balls! Cassandra. Yes, sir. You lost your wig. Your wig fell off. It's okay. I guess I'm a bald pussy now. I think we finally found where the clit is.

Oh my god. Should I... It's beautiful either way, Cassandra. It's all good. That's like Afro Whitey I know right I love you Afro Daddy Oh boy I don't know

No go ahead Jeff I'm still shocked from when you lifted up the outfit You were? I think maybe you need this I've already done that, baby. I've already done the sword. She's already chopped everything off. You said that

you pick up the check. Is that true? This guy? Well, you know... He's a poor little bitch! You know, I was a little... I was really disappointed in Cole last week I mean I really really was the way he made it sound was like he comes over to my house and he you know we bang like rabbits and that's not that's not true what what is okay is there is there a side

of the story that you'd like absolutely um I came out of a horrible relationship and for nine months i've been single i've just been you know talking to people i met cole and he was very kind and very nice and we hit it off yeah and uh i did not fuck him sure we've had sex but uh that's just recently. Wait. I was very, very disappointed. Very disappointed how he made me sound. He actually told me in the car yesterday that he loved me. Wow. What did you respond with? I said, that's sweet.

This dude's a gay little bitch. But, yeah. You know, I mean This dude's a gay little bitch But yeah, so Yeah, I don't know You know, I'm just enjoying life I love that Do you guys go on But you guys do go on dates Yeah, we've been out and about I mean, we went to

Where did we go to? What was that? Cabo Wabo, I guess And did you pick up the check there? No, he paid. Oh, wow. But you like to leave the tip, right? Well, I'm not against it, but let me just tell

you, when you've had a penis, you definitely know how to please the penis. Let's keep that straight. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. You saw the show earlier with the young... Whoa, the only peaches when the roast beef be. My goodness. You saw the show earlier with Lorraine Lopez talking about her ex-boyfriend.

Yeah. What was your analysis of that situation? You know a lot about that. Yeah, yeah. It was like, I felt sorry for her, but I thought, like, come on, five years with no dick. I mean, wake up. I'm sorry, sister. You're beautiful. You're stunning. You're funny. You know, it's all about self-respect. I mean, I've been there.

Self-esteem and saying what you deserve and what you don't, you know, and I've worked hard to really love myself. So I love that I'm here now. I love that. So I love that I'm here now. I love that. Fuck yeah. That is so cool. So, you know, it seems like did you make your friend? Did he get downgraded?

One could say after last week's performance talking about you on stage. Yeah. I mean, I was like, because I've been really busy. I'm filming a new Netflix show. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Is it the new Sopranos? Are you playing Big Pussy? I would. I would

so much. I wish. Yes, Chroma Chris over there. A little fun fact, Tony. We actually the crew here built the walls of our pussy. Yeah, well our motto is if we build it, they will come.

Right. Chroma Chris coming off another busy week. Silent but deadly. What's the Netflix show? I can't talk about it. It's in pre-production. But you have been doing some great work with David Arquette lately. I'm good friends with David.

Well, his sister was transgender, Alexis Arquette. And she was such a role model to me, God rest her soul. Okay. Well, she's not with us. I mean, that is so cool. Yeah, because he's very serious about wrestling. I mean, he's really... No, he is committed. I'm telling you, he

doesn't play in the back room. He's super intense. He's super... I respect anybody, no matter what you do. I don't care if you're not funny or whatever, but when you're dedicated and you put passion, I respect that. It takes a lot of balls to get up here. And you know a

thing or two about that. I do. I do. And Cole was right. My penis was bigger than his. Wow. She's got a ghost penis. It's haunted Cole. Cole, is there anything you'd like to

come up and say? Yes, come up, Cole. Wow, look at this. Come up, baby. Just so that you can all see how much control Cassandra has over this little boy. This just became Maury, dude. Everyone is incredibly uncomfortable. Come on, come up here, Cole. Look at this audience.

Is there anything you'd like to say to Cassandra publicly after this whole charade that has happened? Yes, there is. Yeah. I want to say I am truly sorry for what I said last week. I should have portrayed you how you deserve to be. Can you face the camera? Yeah. I thought I was facing you.

Yeah. Do both. Face the camera and talk to her was facing you. Do both. Face the camera and talk to her. Send her the message. I am very sorry for what I said about her last week. I didn't mean it. It's not how I should have talked about her and not how I

felt. I am very sorry. How do you feel? Why don't you tell her how you do feel, Cole? We'll come up here. Yeah, I'm here. Stand up there. I like that. Stand up there with him. I like that. Go ahead, Cole. Stand up. Come on. Stand up. You like this position.

Everything's fine. Cassandra, give him a chance to tell you. Cassandra, I love you. Cassandra, I love you. That's very sweet. But I will say, Cole, I like you more than anybody I like right now.

Whoa, look at that. Hell yeah. Should we kiss? Yeah, sure, why not? Let's end the episode with a bang. There they are, Cole Alexander and Cassandra Cass closing out tonight's episode Pride Month wow

look at that live from West Hollywood what a way to end it Pride Month week whatever it is it has begun how about one more time for Alexander Cole and Cassandra Cass, everybody? Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld of tonight's episode.

Very cool. RyanJEBeld.com for all those prints. Ladies and gentlemen, come on. It's the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. The man, the myth, the legend. Thank you, Kill Tony. Historical Roast is on Netflix. Bumping mics with David Tells all over the country.

California, Washington, New Jersey, Texas, New York. This weekend at Harrah's and SoCal Morongo. Also, Roast Battle is going to be at Clusterfest in San Francisco. And the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin is coming up. So you're going to see him on all that. But check out Historical Roast, which is up right now. Go to Roastmastergeneral.com for tickets and bumping mics. Thanks, Tony.

We love you, Jeff. Thanks so much for joining us. Thanks for having me, man. Absolutely. Always a pleasure. Great show tonight. Thank you. How about one more time for the great and powerful

Jeremiah Watkins everybody Baloney Pete his brand new album is at the top of the charts on comedy iTunes right now it's a self titled album Reagan and Watkins hit number one

over the weekend new guest on Jeremiah Wonders is Pete Holmes he's on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins hit number one over the weekend. His new guest on Jeremiah Wonders is Pete Holmes. He's on YouTube at Jeremiah Watkins. He's on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up. Anything else, Jeremiah? Yeah. Reagan Watkins will be headlining in San Diego on June 28th, and Joel Berg will be opening for us.

And then we're also headlining Stand Up Live in Phoenix on July 18th and Joel Berg will be opening there as well. Oh, that's great. Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for silent but deadly Chroma Chris, everybody? Heck yeah, Chroma. What did you think of tonight's episode?

We really raised the roof, Tony. Yes, you did. Come on. How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. We did it. Joel Berg's on social media, mostly sorry. He's going to be heading out with us to all the rest of

these gigs that we have announced here so far. Joel, you're traveling all over the world now. What's going on, dude? I love it, dude. Shout out to Ludwig Drums. I love you guys. Peace out. I'll see you on tour. Heck yeah. Remember, we're taking pins with us. We got the road posters with us. So those of you coming

to these road shows, fucking get ready. We're going to have a lot of fun. I promise you that. Redband, anything else? Hey, I just got a new Death Squad studio in Burbanks to look for a bunch of new podcasts in the next month. Hey, thank you so much, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon.

We love you. Good night. Thank you. Thank you.あき 高松ななぜ ラララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ ララ Thank you. Outro Music Thank you.. Thank you.