KILL TONY - KILL TONY #363 - MILWAUKEE

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/12/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at the world famous comedy store every Monday, but we are on the road. July 10th will be in Plano, Texas at the Hyenas. July 11th, Fort Worth, Texas.

July 25th will be in Philadelphia at the Fillmore Theater. And July 26th will be in Pittsburgh. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out that for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode. He makes posters. He made the book. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the

Death Squad universe and Kill Tony. Check out Kill Tony t-shirts, Death Squad hats, and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Brian coming to you live from Milwaukee for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Milwaukee, you ready to do this shit? How you guys doing out there? You guys ready for this? We're live.

Does it sound good out there? Seem like it could be a little bit louder? Yeah, that's what I think too. I had a fucking feeling. Here we are. We're live. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, guys. What's up?

Look at this. For the first ever Kill Tony Milwaukee. We are live. We are in the middle of it. This is very exciting. Had fun last night, believe it or not, in Appleton, Milwaukee. We are live. We are in the middle of it. This is very exciting. Had fun last night, believe it or not, in Appleton, Wisconsin. It was a blast. We had a nice, smooth drive down here today. And it goes on and on.

Tomorrow night we're in Chicago at Thalia Hall, then Madison, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, and back at the Comedy Store Monday, then Poughkeepsie, New York on the 19th and he added that second show New York New York on that Thursday June 20th at Gramercy Theater that's a big deal for us and a big announcement this week is Philly the Fillmore July 25th tickets go on sale for that tomorrow at 10 a.m. on Live Nation use the promo code groove and you can get tickets at Live Nation or you have to wait the next

day for a general public sale like a peasant. So why not just get them Thursday at 10 AM? So it's good to be here in Milwaukee. It's been a long time since I've been here. It's good to be here. First ever Kill Tony in Milwaukee at the beautiful Turner Hall

Ballroom. It looks like a good turnout too. We were a little worried about it. I think it was a little looks like a good turnout, too. We were a little worried about it. I think it was a little bit of a late push, huh? I had to start talking shit a little bit. I don't know if you guys listened to any of the most recent episodes, because you guys really wait to the last minute here, really sweating it out.

However, of course, since it's fucking Milwaukee, new kids on the block sold out in arena across the street. Just to let you know where you stand on where the fuck you live. Beautiful Milwaukee, which I believe is Indian for 1991.

They have Naughty by Nature opening up for them. This is really exciting stuff happening in Milwaukee. Sold out in arena. We had to sweat bullets to fill a ballroom. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. New kids on the mother...

It's the same kids, by the way. Yeah. It's not even a new new kids. It's the same songs. It's the old new kids on the fucking block. It's unbelievable. Anyway, so we're here. There's the past across the street

in an arena in the future podcasting here in a what appears to be where people celebrate their grandparents' funerals or something like that. Some type of very church-like ballroom. It's pretty badass.

Hell yeah. I'm excited to be here. We're definitely going to have fun tonight. As always, of course, we go guest list on these shows on the road. And, of course, Ryan J. E. Belt, the house artist, could not make it here tonight. However, he did draw amazing Kill Tony road tour posters that we're going to be selling right over in that lit up poster looking section over there after the show. We have pins for sale.

The brand spanking new Kill Tony pin. The new Death Squad pin. Both of them glow in the dark. Both of them are made by our friends over at Rockin' Pins. So we'll be doing that after the show. So that's cool. Official Ryan J. Eball print. So he's here with us in spirit. You know, we don't have a guest tonight. However, it just so turns out, Milwaukee, that we do have a band on this show. You know, due to travel restraints and budgeting, we couldn't bring the entire band with us.

Small stage also. So yeah, very tiny stage. So you guys are just going to have to deal with what you got. Every single episode, the band commits to staying in character. Sometimes it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. Sometimes it's the return of one of their famous characters.

I never know what they're going to be. They had a separate dressing room, as always, tonight. Let's see what happens tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kill Tony Band, the best damn band in the land, Jeremiah Watkins and Juleberg, Jule Jimenez. Oh, hey. Look at these fishermen. Hell yeah. Wow. How cool is this? Oh my God.

Wow, how cool is this? Oh, my God. Wow, you guys look fucking great. Wow, look at this. Clearly, Fisherman. I believe this is a brand-new character. We love, right? Have you guys been on this show before?

No. Wow, well, welcome, fishermen. This is the debut of a new character in Milwaukee. You feel good about this? It's fucking exciting. What is your name, fine gentleman? My name is Sherman, and I've been hunting the Loch Ness Monster since I was a wee lad. Oh, looking for the Loch Ness.

Heck yeah. How's that been going for you? Not very good. And then back here, clearly we have, I mean, is this Pablo Picasso? What is this exactly? What's your name? My name is Gordon. You're Gordon?

Are you the Gordon's fisherman? Aye. Oh, wow. That's very exciting, Gordon. Well, welcome. I can see through your pants your little frozen fish stick right there. Look at that. Fish stick.

A little fisherman action tonight. This is very exciting. Was it easy for you guys to get here to Milwaukee? Yeah, we just sailed on the seven seas. I didn't know Milwaukee was on any of the seven seas. We sailed every lake to get here. I love it. Well, rock and fucking roll.

I'm excited about this. This is the band leader looks like the snow shoveler guy from the Home Alone movies. Remember him? You thought he was the bad guy throughout the whole fucking episode, and at the end, he saves the day. Puts Bacalli up on a hook. Alright, I'm excited about this.

The fishermen are here, Red Band's here, which brings me to this bad motherfucker right here. The one and the only Kill Tony Summer Tour 2019 Bucket of Destiny. It's filled with names. Great turnout on names tonight. Great venue. Everything feels

good. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you know how it goes. For those of you that had the courage to sign up, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Walker's Point Bear. Wow. Powerful. Is that the right reference? Walker's Point? Huh? All right, good. Let's see

how this goes. And then we talk to you for a bit. Just a reminder, the stairway's there. It's the only way to get on the stage. And if you didn't sign up, or even if you did sign up, don't heckle anybody during their 60 seconds. Let them build that own tension and figure out a way to fucking break it. All right? Afterwards, you could yell fuck you as loud as you want, but not during their set.

We could say that with the new kids on the block, Bear. We could have done that also. That's true. That is fucking true. All right. We could say that with the new kids on the block, Bear. We could have done that also. That's true. That is fucking true. All right, we got the bucket. We got everybody. You guys ready to do this shit? It's Kill Tony live from Milwaukee, Wisconsin

for the very first time ever. Ever. So, you know, walk safely. Maybe when I pull the name, maybe we could get that bulb strand to light up when I pull a name until they make it to the stage, if anyone on lights is listening. Is that over there?

Oh, got me. How about a hand for the amazing staff here? They've been great. Turner Hall. Love these guys. Eric, the whole crew. Pull the name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your first comedian.

He goes by the name of Patrick Brandt, everyone. Here we go. Ah, that's so cool. That's a beautiful, cool lighting here at Turner Hall, for those of you listening to the podcast. Here he comes. He's shaking his head no. He seems a little bit dizzy.

He's excited about this. Make some fucking noise for your first comedian of the night, Patrick Brandt. Well, definitely was not expecting this, but it's great to be here. I've got absolutely nothing prepared. I really came just to watch other people bomb and enjoy myself, but it looks like I'm the first one

to get to bomb myself and get absolutely destroyed by these guys. Yeah, I've got nothing. You can do the cat. What the fuck are you talking about? You better say something. You're talking to that fucking microphone. I've got nothing.

You better just talk about something, dude. You better figure out something to fucking say right now. Oh, this is going to be good. something to fucking say right now. Oh, this is going to be good. So, walking in here today, past the beautiful stream of white women walking over to the New Kids on the Block, had a clear definition of the people going to that

and a clear definition of the people going here. So I followed my crowd and ended up in the Pfizer Forum. And then somehow made it on stage. All right, there you go. Patrick Brand. I mean, absolutely horrible. What did you think was going to happen? Did you sign your name up on a piece of paper, Patrick?

Patrick, listen to me over here. Did you sign your name up? Yeah, that was 100% me. Why? Why would you do that? Are you a fan of the show? Oh, I love the show. You listen to a lot of episodes of this fucking show. Yeah.

So explain to me what the fuck happened in your fucking thick shit skull when you walked by the sign-up sheet and you're like, I'll fucking sign up. What were you thinking? Tell me what you thought might happen. Oh, dumb luck that i was not gonna end up here but why but why sign up the point no the best luck for you not getting up here is not fucking signing up i'm trying to figure out how you people even think i don't even understand what goes on in someone's brain like well i might i I won't get pulled. I'll just say that I signed up and didn't get pulled. The fuck is going on in your head, Patrick?

Not much. Do you think that's a way that I wanted to get this show fucking kick-started? There's probably 60 goddamn people out there that have waited for this show to come here, that have prepared, that have done open mics, and you come up here and you do this. So let's talk about it, Patrick. What do you do for a living? I'm a nurse at a children's hospital.

You're a nurse. Well, you know what? I hope some of your fucking patients die tonight, all right? I hope your work goes bad tonight. I hope some of those children fucking croak. I hope he catches cancer. Wow, all right. Damn, Simon goes right for the jugular.

I like you. You're a lot meaner than you look. I use men like you for bait. My God, Patrick, tell us something good about you. Give us a redeeming quality. Give us something to like about you, or are you just going to suck through the interview part, too? He wears New Balance shoes. He's going to suck through the interview part, too? He wears New Balance shoes.

He's going to suck. So I don't understand. Let me ask you this. So when you do something like this, right, do you do a lot of things like this? Do you make a lot of fucking mistakes all through life? He looks like a new kid on the cock.

No, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this. First time? No, this is the last time. I'm gonna make you kill yourself on this stage right now. How many of you want that to happen? How many of you want Patrick to kill himself? Eric, do you have a rope or something like that? Perhaps we could lower from the...

Alright. Patrick, I mean, I just don't know how to even work around something like this. You're a goddamn anomaly. Is there anything in the world interesting about you? My dad used to do stand-up and I completely just embarrassed him.

Really? Is he here? No, thank God. No, not thank God. That would have been fucking awesome had your dad come up here and embarrass you and lit you up. In the history of the show, we've never had a dad come up and literally spank his son after fucking bombing. We've also never had somebody sign up that really had zero. We've had people try and sign up like,

I have never done this before, but you literally did nothing at all. You have nothing. You have the Kansas City left hand in your pocket. You got fucking nothing. What. You have nothing. You have the Kansas City left hand in your pocket. You got fucking nothing. What are you reaching for, jokes? I just don't understand, Patrick. Now I feel bad.

I feel bad for you. Oh, I feel horrible. This is brutal. I mean, is this what you wanted? Are you into like getting beat sexually too? Yeah, do you choke yourself? You just love punishment? Tell the truth.

Actually, no. I'm pretty easygoing. Pretty easygoing. Missionary position all the way. Lady on top. My God. Well, Patrick, I don't think it's going to get any worse than you. So that's a good way to start the show.

Boo this man. Boo him. Wow. My God. Milwaukee, you don't think all these sign-ups are going to be like that guy, do you? How many of you like it when comedians do that bad on the show?

That was a trick question. No one likes it that bad. How many of you like it when comedians try and do bad? There you go. How many of you like it when comedians do good? Wow, this is a positive town. Everything's upside down here.

New kids on the block are slaughtering across the street right now. And we got fucking Patrick Brand like, I didn't think that this would ever even happen. It's like, what the fuck? You put your fucking name in the fucking bucket. That was it. He's dead now.

That was the sound of Patrick shooting himself. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. First comedian of the night. Breck M. Hall, everybody. Breck M. Hall. Hey, here we go. She's smiling, confident. Here we fucking go. Come on, make some noise for Breck M. Hall. Hey, here we go. She's smiling, confident. Here we fucking go. Come on, make some noise for Breck M. Hall.

Hey Milwaukee, how y'all doing tonight? Awesome. So I'm 21, my husband's 44, and there's a lot of assumptions that come along with that, like I married him for money, or he married me because he had a midlife crisis, but our love is real. I married him because he's so sweet and smart, and he married me because I have daddy issues. So we both tattoo for a living, and I love when the college white girls come in and want to get an inner lip tattoo. So it's never anything, like, ordinary. They always get real raunchy stuff, like, come dumpster, or fuck me, or daddy. And it's because no one else is going to see except them. Except jokes on you, bitch.

Your dentist is going to know you're a hoe. Awesome. So I just got married this year to my husband and it's been real good. You can finish it. Oh, I didn't have anything else. Okay, perfect. There you go. I like that, by the way. I like that. Just fucking keep going.

I'm glad you got married to your husband. If you're wondering if that's the way to do it, that's the way to do it, that's the way to do it. The show has begun with Breck M. Hall. Awesome. First time doing stand-up? Yes, it is. Congratulations. Very cool. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course. Really good set. That is so cool. You're born and raised here in Milwaukee? I lived in California for a little bit, but I've been here most of my life. Okay. In Janesville, Wisconsin.

Wow. If you've ever been there. Hell yeah. Where's Janesville at? Is that near, like, making a murder country? Kind of. I mean, it's close to Beloit, so almost there. Ooh, you're just naming more cities that sound horrible.

This is exciting. It's places I will never be or I will drive through at 85 miles an hour. It's one or the other. Or fly over one day when I get my pilot's bisons. Pilot's bisons. To get an idea

of what Janesville is like, they hired their first black police officer two years ago. Did he shoot himself? That's how we do it here in Wisconsin. I told him. Shoot yourself. That Dennis joke was hilarious.

There's a lot more that you could go to that, because that would make a lot of sense that Dennis knows all the sluts. Yeah, exactly. They're like, I don't want my parents to see you. Is it true that someone got a tattoo that says cum dumpster? No, no.

Oh, you made that one up. I did. Because I wanted to meet that girl wherever she is. That's just, that's so fucking hot. Like, how do you not see that tattoo and cum immediately? Just like, oh, you fucking bitch. Oh. Simon, why do you seem disappointed?

My name's Sherman. Sherman? Yes. I My name's Sherman. Sherman? Yes. I thought it was Sherman. I've been away from my wife for the last 30 years. Oh, man. What do you think is going to happen if you ever blow a load? A whale will die.

Wow. So, Breck, 21 and 44, huh? 44-year-old husband. You got married this year? We did, yes. Right, because you can't get married before 21, 44 in the city. I met him when I was 18. Sure you did. Yeah, absolutely.

Not 16. Totally 18. He was the owner of the tattoo studio we work at. So I came in and got an apprenticeship, and that's when we met. I bet you did. One in the ink, two in the stink. Let's do this. Class is in session.

You might feel a slight burn. Wow, that is crazy. Truly 18. How soon after your 18th birthday did you go? Oh, my God. It was like three months later, so I was so lucky, you guys. I was so lucky. He's so lucky. What are you talking about? Yeah.

One in the pink, tattoo in the stink. I already did that. Anyway. Wow. So, 18 and then how soon after that did you guys was your first hookup at the tattoo shop? Oh my god, yes. Wow. You just had an first hookup at the tattoo shop. Oh my God. Uh,

yes. Wow. You just had an orgasm. Just remembering that. Yeah. That's incredible. He stuck you with this needle. Yeah.

So like, can you explain to us how that first, uh, session went down? Like, did you, you guys sort of had a crush on each other. You were closing up the shop,

right? Or was it, or was it on a lunch break or what are we talking about? It was at the end of the day. Like, everyone was gone. At the time, I was, like, I don't know how to describe it. I was, like, an internet anime girl. I, like, dressed like that a lot.

And he was, like, don't wear thigh-high socks and a dress to work. So I wore it to work. And then after he did his last tattoo and everyone left, he bent me over the table and we did it. And now the rest is history. My fucking God. And how long after this did he tattoo cum dumpster on the inside of your lip?

That should be my tattoo. That should be my next one. Hey, it's here. That is incredible. Wow. What is the worst tattoo you've had to give out? Oh, my God. I did a guy's girlfriend's name on his face.

Oh, no. It was when I was an apprentice. I couldn't say no. I just had to do whatever. Oh, my. It was Juanita above his eyebrow. Juanita. That's the worst name, and I'm Mexican.

And she was there during the tattoo. Of course she was. He probably fucked up, and she's like, we're going right now. Bold move, since especially most of the Juanitas I've ever met don't know how to read. So it's like, what's the point of having her tattoo on her face? She should have just gotten her face on his face. Right. Yo, that's me, Holmes.

Wow. Exciting stuff. So you've been with this guy for three years. Yes. That's fun. And you guys tattoo together and you basically like run the shop together now. Yes, we do. Was everybody else at the tattoo shop sort of disappointed when you guys started hooking

up because they all got bumped back like the vice president got demoted? No, no. There was only one other guy working there at the vice president got demoted? No, no. There was only one other guy working there at the time. Heck, yeah. I like your style. You're like some type of dirty Chelsea Clinton or something like that. Oh, my God. Thanks.

I like it. Man. How many tattoos do you have? I have about 20. 20? Mm-hmm. Wow. What's your biggest one?

My biggest one, I have my wedding bouquet tattooed on the back of my thigh, and that's my largest one. Wow. Damn. Wake up and smell the roses. Yeah. Heck yeah. My goodness. Yep.

That is incredible. Well. My largest tattoo is on the bottom of my foot, and it reads, barnacle bitch. Hell yeah. Is there anything else wacky about you we should know about? Anything interesting about you? Parents, what do they do?

Where do parents go wrong to make an 18-year-old tattoo artist marry the first boss that she has at her first real job? Immediately. My dad is a pharmaceutical salesman. Ah, big medicine. marry the first boss that she has at her first real job immediately. My dad is a pharmaceutical salesman. Ah, big medicine.

Yeah. And then my mom is a scientist. Wow. What kind of scientist? Microbiology. Wow. Well, it doesn't take a microbiology scientist to know she raised a little hoe,

huh? You know what I'm saying? No, I'm kidding. I'm just joking. Land ho! That's so cool. What do you and your husband do for fun?

We like to ride motorcycles. That's pretty fun. Hell yeah. We go hiking, Devil's Lake. Wisconsin's a beautiful place. Damn, you guys seem like fucking rock stars. That's so cool. Just fucking take our motorcycles to Devil's Lake, you know, not fucking hated. You know, we just wear brass knuckles

and fucking shadow box around the house. You know what I mean? No fucking big deal, dude. You guys don't have tattoo equipment on you, do you? No, I wish. I would totally do that tattoo on your face. Yeah. You know what the fuck.

That's too bad. Do you think you're going to do stand-up again, or is this something you just wanted to do once for the show? It's more like that. This is a bucket list thing. I love this show, and it's just really awesome to be able to get up and do this. Well, I'll tell you, you did so much. Maybe it has to do with that.

Maybe it's the calmness of just knowing that you were just going to do it this once or something like that, but you did everything right tonight. You talked about shit personal to you. You came up and you gave us the goods right away. 21, 44, all that stuff. And you had jokes about you and tattoos and your actual life and you did it perfectly.

So thank you so much. Thank you so much. Brick M. Hall, everybody. Getting us fucking started. Come on, guys. Make some noise for her. That's how it's done. In the lakes that you're used to. Look at that lucky guy right there. Lucky son of a bitch.

You're nothing at all, but I think you're moving too fast. Yeah. How do you know TLC, fisherman? I've been at sea a long time. The TLC. All right. I've been at sea a long time. The TLC. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Erin Lipsky, everyone.

Erin Lipsky. Erin. Oh, two females in a row. Is this Erin from last night? No, this is a new Erin Lipsky. Is it? Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Erin.

Wow. I am very nervous to be up here. I was hoping I would get pulled from that bucket a little bit later when all of you were a little more drunk, compliant, willing to go along with what I... Fuck! you weren't supposed to do your Cosby impression up here? Don't try and be one of the greats. That's one of

the first rules of stand-up. No. And he was one of the greats. I met Bill once. It was brief in a hotel. It was nothing special. It wasn't memorable or... Oh shit. Maybe I just didn't remember it. Any of you ever get a punchline fucked up by a repressed memory? Hashtag me too. But no, I don't do comedy because there's always one person with a look, so if I came up here talking about how I love dick all the time in a comical way, I would just become the answer to the question no one is asking. Could Amy Schumer be more well-fed yep um but no

i am uh i am actually an entrepreneur i run a self-important masonry business called hubricks thinking about spelling it with an x to make it a little more sassy but uh i don't know we're still working on that this was a minute yeah no there was a cat there was a cat could make it a little more sassy. But I don't know. We're still working on that. This was a minute. Yeah, no, there was a cat. There was a cat. Could have been a little bit louder. How about one more time for Aaron Lipsky, everybody? Hell yeah. That was fun. You got me with the Amy

Schumer thing. I love a good fucking Schumer joke. No doubt about it. I love that. Let's check in with Sherman over there. The reason the first joke didn't work was because no one believes that Bill Cosby would roofie you. I did actually meet him once, though, in an elevator briefly at a double tree. Yeah. Did you ask him for pudding?

I did not talk to him at all. It was before all the Hannibal drama and everything. I didn't like the guy because he had a problem with comics swearing and fuck that. Wow, look at you. Hell yeah. I like your style. Look at you. You're a wild one. Thank you, thank you. Well, that's fun. I mean, I'm surprised

everyone that I saw going across the street to New Kids on the Block looks exactly like you, so I'm surprised that you're even here with us. I would have been there for Naughty by Nature. Tretch does follow me on Twitter. What up? Wow, that is one of the weirdest names to drop I've ever heard. Wow.

A black guy into a chunky white woman. I don't believe it. Right? Oh, hell yeah. You are a wild little... Look at you. You have a look. I'm into it.

I don't know what it is, but I... You look like every woman in those cuckold hotel videos on Pornhub. Absolutely. Those fucking... Black stallion impregnates chunky white woman while husband watches. Bad hotel lighting They have their socks on Hell yeah

That would totally drop my rate for a scene I don't go black Wait what the hell did she just say She doesn't go black Have you ever been with a black man before Yeah I'm a chunky white woman Never You have

Do you mostly black man before? Yeah, no, I'm a chunky white woman from France, and God, yes. You have? Oh, yeah. Do you mostly... What stands out to you about black men that's different than white men in the bedroom? Other than penis size. They are way more vocal. They are way more willing to say what they like. Yeah, like what? Like, hey, bitch, give me a sandwich.

Like, what kind of... They don't have to ask. I just do that all by myself. Hell yeah, you're already making one for yourself. Why not? I love how you're taking these. You laugh at these harder than anybody here. It's so fucking cool. You have such a good sense of humor

for a little downsy pog. You know what I'm saying? It works out. I fuck above my weight which is impossible to believe. So I don't mind the joke. So you like big men? No, no, no. I should say my weight class is in. I fuck really good looking guys. Oh, look at you. So I ain't worried about it. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. I do alright. That's exciting. My goodness. You have any special moves that you do in the bedroom? The fucking big, like, the big, any, like, preferences or, like? Besides the making the sandwich? Yeah, besides the making the sandwich. Anything in the bedroom? Any out of the kitchen activities?

I don't do it here because it's illegal in Wisconsin and I wouldn't break the law, but smoking while fucking is really fun. Wow, look at you. Oh, my God. You talking about meats? I love that you said that you don't do it here because it's illegal. This is something. Oh, were you in?

Oh, you were in Appleton. Oh, okay. Very good, because we've been talking about that quite a bit, how much it stood out to us. There were a couple people in Appleton last night that made it. 78% of Wisconsin voted for it to be legal, but we're not a referendum state like California, so it hasn't happened yet, but we all want it.

It's very bizarre what's happening here in Wisconsin. It seems like after being here for a couple days, since being a fan of making a murderer, After being here for a couple days since being a fan of making a murder, like, I've realized that the entire state is a bunch of – the entire state does to everybody, basically, what they did to the Avery family. Like, they just fucking arrest anybody they can for absolutely anything immediately.

It's a total police state out here. We even, like, went to play pool last night, and the bartender was like, we don't want any trouble from you guys. And we're like, what the fuck? And he goes, there's a police officer sitting right out there and we look and it was an empty bar by the way. Big empty bar on a Tuesday night in Appleton and we looked out

and the only person in the parking lot was sitting there was a fucking cop. In an unmarked car just sitting with his car waiting for trouble. And by the way, you guys don't even think this is weird. That's the weird part. That is very true. That's weird, but you don't know it's weird

because you fucking live it. You're just like, yeah, you get arrested if you fucking do anything. What's your question? I don't understand. By the way, you are the second sexy Benjamin Franklin we've had on this show. I rate on that? Hell yeah.

I don't see it. A little. I don't see it for me. It's a little bit of a stretch, but then again, so were those pants you're wearing. My goodness. I love you, Erin. You are so cool.

I love the way you take all these jokes. You fucking love it. What do you do for fun? For fun? Yeah. I actually, stand-up is a really big thing for me. A lot of my friends are in the scene out here, so I go to their shows and help them run shows.

I'm a big podcast person, of course. We know you're a big podcast person. I'm a big, a lot of things. Go big or go home. I love it. I love it. Abso-fucking-lutely. Is there any truth to the fact that when you get hungry,

you eat all the cheese curds in the Wisconsin area? You know what? If it was possible, I sure as hell would. You guys just got really sensitive at a cheese curds joke? It's like everything but cheese curds. Don't fuck with the cheese curds. We don't think that's funny here. I'm about to call the police on you.

That's actually a law here. 71.45. No making fun of the curds. There's a spot in Appleton that puts cheese curds on the burger even. Because that has to happen. Oh, my God. It just came in my hands. We had macaroni and cheese and jalapeno poppers on a burger this morning for breakfast.

Yes, we did. Typical breakfast. Unbelievable. Sweet and salty pig halfway between here and Madison, if you guys ever, or not Madison, between here and Appleton, halfway there. Fucking check out that place. Unbelievable if you're ever around there for lunch.

Anyway, well, Aaron, I mean, this was a lot of, what? Oh, Sherman. I see that you have a tattoo on your right arm that's Asian. What does it mean? It is Japanese for ki, or as most people know it, chi, the inner ability

to use mind over matter to defeat any opponent. Wow. Hell yeah. In what? Hot dog eating competitions? I'm a red belt in taekwondo. I can hold my own. I'm a red belt in Taekwondo. I can hold my own. Oh, very cool. Fucking Taekwondo.

I like that. You got Chinese on the outside. I'm already Bravo, but I can hold it. I can do my own. I bet you fucking can. I bet you would beat the shit out of me. I bet Quad Toof would love her. Anyway. Yeah.

Well. Inside joke. Okay. Anyway. Yeah. Well. Inside joke. Okay. Anyway. Well, Erin, I had a lot of fun with you tonight. Did you have fun? I'm a little worried about it. Absolutely.

I am so happy to do it, and thank you so much. This is fantastic. You're awesome. Thank you, Erin. There she goes, Erin Lipsky, everybody. Hey, I didn't ask you. Is that your... Erin, Erin, Erin, Erin.

Is that your first time? First time doing stand-up. There she goes, everybody. Aaron Lipski. We're having fun. Wow, so far, females kicking the guy's ass. I know. I love that.

We've had three pussies on this stage tonight so far. Two of them are wet. What? Nothing. Oh, my God. All right. Pull another name out. Make some noise for Andy Fish, everybody.

Andy Fish. Let's see what happens here. His last name's Fish, guys. How cool is that with the fisherman up here? Where the hell's Andy at? Is this him? Here he comes. Andy Fish, everyone.

There he is. One more time for Andy. Alright. Thank you, guys. Alright, so about the last six months, I've been taking this thing called Accutane just to help with my face, acne reduction, things like that. One thing they tell you, the only thing they told me was that it's going to be helping my

face, it's going to be getting really dry, irritated. What they didn't tell me... What they didn't tell me was that it's going to be making my asshole extremely dry. And the third thing they didn't tell me was that it's going to be making my girlfriend's pussy even more dry.

And pretty much just from hearing me for six months talk about how dry my asshole is. But other than that, I love my girlfriend. She happens to live with this other girl. It's been getting pretty annoying for about the past eight months or so.

I tell her she's 28. She's got two more years before they stop calling her roommates and start calling them lesbians. I've got two more years. Yeah, that's all I got. Okay, Andy Fish. What did that last joke mean? What do you mean? My girlfriend's 28, and she has a roommate.

It's kind of annoying, you know, at night, the noise and whatnot. And you're saying two more years. They're roommates, but now everyone's going to start calling them lesbians. Because they've been living together for so long. Right. I like his last name. Yeah. It's Fitch.

Fitch is your real last name. Fischer. Even better. Fischer? Yeah. Oh, you changed it for stand-up? Andy Fisch? Why not?

Get a little crazy. I guess so. Wow. A little crazy. Has your girl ever fucked around with the other girl? I don't think so, no way. The girl's really straight edge. When you say you don't think so, what do you mean?

I mean, they've been friends since they were little kids, you know? You never know what happens. So she definitely has. She's probably put a couple pencils in there or something when she was younger. Okay, all right. Red band. A toothbrush. People experiment.

You never know. Andy, this is your first time doing stand-up? It is, yeah. I've never been on a stage before or anything. Never been on a stage before. No, never. Okay, what do you do for work? I work at a veterinary hospital.

You work at a what? A veterinary hospital doing back-end paperwork, accounting, finance, things like that. What do you do? Is that what you said? Back-end paperwork? Not anything medical related. All the back-end billing and paperwork, accounting, things like that. Oh, yeah.

So do you get to see animals? Oh, yeah, every day. Right. What's your favorite animal? Any kind of super huge dog. I'm a German Shepherd, so I love puppies and stuff like that. Very good. Is that your passion in life?

Is there something else that you want to do or love or something? I mean, I would love to get into more of the media side of, like, the music scene or something like that. Do you practice with that stuff now? Do you have, like, a program or something like that? Like, just, like, video recording and things like that. Video concert, like, video recording concerts and things like that. Have you ever done that before? Nothing professional or anything like that.

Have you ever thought about maybe asking, you know, like, if new kids on the block come into town or something like that? What am I doing here right now? I should be over there, you know. It's true. So anyway, you talked about Accutane, right? Yeah. That's true. How much longer do you have on that thing?

Like two more weeks. We've had friends. Un-fucking my face. We've had friends that have done that before. So you're through the hard part where all the acne comes out, right? Yeah. What was that like? Pure hell. So you're through the hard part where all the acne comes out, right? Yeah. What was that like? Pure hell.

Yeah. How long was that for? A couple months? Yeah. No, I don't know, but I sort of know. When I was a kid, I went to the doctor to get Accutane. They said that it would make me want to kill myself maybe, and I said I wouldn't want to kill myself if I didn't have acne.

There you go. Yes. I'm glad I said, I wouldn't want to kill myself if I didn't have acne. There you go. Yes. I'm glad I said that. And that's a real fisherman for you right there. So how long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? Almost a year now. So everything's popping, just like your pimples used to? Kind of, kind of.

She's four years older than me, so I'm kind of... Whoa. Cougar. That's good for me. That's good for me. Hell yeah. What does she do? She works with kids with autism. Kids with autism.

Are you talking about yourself or... I knew it. I didn't want to say what... I knew it. I knew it was coming. I didn't want to say, Tony. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun, Andy?

I love to rock climb. It's one of my favorite things to do. Go hiking outside, things like that. Wow, look at you. You do that regularly? Yeah, there's a place right down the road here too. Where you can climb rocks? What are we talking about, crack rocks?

That's a little further that way. Oh, you mean like indoor rock climbing, like a type of gymnasium or something like that, right? Yeah, right. Inside. Well, that's cool. That's cool that you... Oh, I love sailing the seven seas inside indoor swimming pools.

What are you talking about? It's the best I got. It's the best I got. I like climbing plastic rocks, you know, no big deal. Wow. Anything else, Andy? Anything other than climbing rocks and hiking? One of my favorite things is just going to random music festivals

And things like that Yeah, but I mean, I get that But tell us something like revealing about you Tell us something that you don't think you would ever actually tell us And then you just said it And you can't believe that you said it And you're going to drive home And you're like, I can't believe I fucking said that.

Because everything you're telling me sounds like... One of my favorite things to do spontaneously, I've stuck to my girlfriend, is any room that has a mirror. You know a sliding glass door, it's a mirror or something like that. It's spontaneous. So wait, what? It's like the one thing.

The fuck did you just say? If you go into a room and there's a bedroom or any kind of enclosed room where there's a mirror being one of the walls or like one of those old sliding glass doors, it's just like that's the one thing. It's like, all right, we look at each other. It's like, all right. You're turned on by your reflection? I don't know. I don't think we're quite. It's a common denominator.

I think you're forgetting part of like the sentence that you're trying to say or something. You're saying like, hey, you know the things like the sliding doors with the mirror on it? And we're like, yeah. And you're like, that's it. And I'm like, wait, what? What do you do with it? What do you use? When you fuck. When you fuck with mirrors. He likes mirrors. I thought you understood. Tony, he's saying that he likes to seek out mirrors in rooms

and have sex with his girl. Whoa. Let's go. Wow. Oh my goodness. Sherman's doing an act out right now. It's been so long since he's had sex. He likes to keep his hip movement ready for it.

It's been 30 years. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Anywhere. What's the craziest place that you and your girlfriend have had sex? In the poop deck. Poop deck?

There's a poop deck? It was actually the second time I ever met her parents. We went up to her bedroom and then her bedroom, her childhood bedroom had a sliding glass door with a mirror on it. Wow. You ever been to a fun house, like one of those

mazes of mirrors? I never thought of that. That's next. You just come in your pants when you walk in, like, fuck, is that me stretched out? That's crazy that seeing your reflection turns you on so much. It's like watching a porno and having sex at the same time, I guess, right? He's like, oh, my skin's clearing up. Wow. Well, Andy, very cool. Does this stand up something you've always wanted to do?

I've been a fan of the show forever, so this has been a bucket list thing. Did you have fun tonight? Yeah, I'm glad I got to meet you guys. This is awesome. Thank you. There he goes. Andy Fish, everybody. Back to the sea he goes. Good fish. That's interesting. What song is that?

An original. Oh, wow. How about a hand for the band tonight? They're here. It's the real fucking deal. Jeremiah Watkins coming off fresh off Reagan and Watkins. Joel Jimenez is here. It's the real fucking deal. Jeremiah Watkins coming off fresh off Reagan and Watkins. Joel Jimenez is here. Make some noise for your next comedian, Donald Dargan. Here we go.

Donald Dargan. Let's see what happens here. Here he comes. One more time for Donald, everybody. How's it going, Milwaukee? All right, so I drive a lot for work. I just came back from the Mexican border. I went down to Laredo.

I had to get checked by Border Patrol coming back, and, of course, I bring weed with me everywhere. I got to smoke, you know? As I'm going through, you know, he's asking me, is anybody in there? What were you doing down here? That's where I fucked up. He asked me what I was doing. I said, oh, you know, I just got to drop something off down in Laredo.

As soon as I fucking said that, his eyes shot up. A couple of Border patrol officers start walking from behind him, you know, I start trying to plea my case, right, I'm like, no, no, no, no, three pallets, blah, blah, blah, whatever, they pull me out of the car, make me fucking, you know, check me, whatever, yeah, after that, then they asked me, they said, you got drugs on you, I said, no, check the car, whatever. I was always told, don't carry anything, you can't fit in your ass. So I only brought a couple of grams, a pipe, a bong, a grinder, a skate, you know.

The essentials, the essentials. All right, Donald Dargan. Thank you, thank you. Donald Dargan and his big, giant asshole, huh? How did your asshole get so big, Donald? How did that happen? I'm fucking around, dude. I only had a couple of girls.

You have a tight little asshole. Very good. I mean, a finger. Is that what goes in there sometimes? Yours? I'm not for it, but I'm not against it. So has someone stuck their finger in your butt before? Yes.

Has someone done it more than once? A couple. It's not a bunch. Not a bunch. What are you afraid of? I think they want you to admit that you've had shit in your butt before. A couple of times. One finger is called a gay fish hook.

You ever put your own finger in your butt when you masturbate? I've tried it, but only once. It wasn't as good. That's called a bait and switch. So, Donald, you did it, dude. First time on stage tonight? First time doing stand-up. I've been on stage here and there.

What have you done on stages before? I was in the band in high school. Yeah, what was the name of that band? No, just like the school band, man. West Allis Central, woo! What instrument did you play? I'm joking, I'm joking. Donald, over here, over here, Donald, relax.

What are you, cutting fucking promos out there? Pay attention over here. What instrument did you play when you played in the school band? Percussion, but not drums, more like bells and shit. That's right. Yeah.

You seem more like a and shit. That's right. Yeah. I'm not. You seem more like a bellboy. I agree. So, Donald, that's very exciting. What you did was you told a story about taking weed across the what border? Canada? No, no, no. I just went down to Laredo. I just got back two days ago.

Texas. Right. Mexican border. Oh, okay. And you went to Mexico. I didn't go into Mexico, but I could like, the next exit was Mexico. So did you go across the border? No, but you still have to get checked by border patrol when you go back north because immigrants and whatnot.

Right. Wow. He's sitting right there. He's right there next to you. I'm not saying I'm against them. I'm just saying they check. Why did you whisper the word immigrant? Immigrants.

Yeah, exactly. You've got to be careful. I couldn't say Mexicans. He's sitting right there. Joel's a fisherman today, so his back is just a little bit more wet than usual. So tell us about you, Donald. Do we know what you do for work yet?

I make popcorn and drive expedited freight. Why would you say make popcorn first? Because that's the main thing, you know what I'm saying? Go to Mayfair Mall, Treat Street Popcorn. We make popcorn over 70, over 80 flavors, something like that now. Jesus, all right, Colonel Sanders, relax. Don't yell at me. My God.

How long have you been making popcorn for? Just a little while. It's a buddy's fiance and his little business, and I just came in to kind of help. So how long did it take for him to pop the question? He said fiance. No, no, no, it's my buddy and his fiance. Popcorn.

I've been at sea for a long time. All of these aren't going to work, you scoundrels. He said they have 80 flavors. Is there like gross flavors now? Do you have like old sock popcorn? No, we don't really do like the gross. You have jelly bean flavor? Not really.

We do like pizza flavored. Kind of. We do like dill pickles. Pussy. Sea salt caramel mocha. That's cool. Like pineapple upside down cake. Wow, that sounds good. Sea salt caramel mocha. That's cool. Like pineapple upside down cake. Wow, that sounds good.

All of it, dude. I'll send you guys some after the show. Yeah, where are you going to send it to? Wherever you want. Okay. I don't have it on me. I didn't bring fucking popcorn here. I don't know.

Relax. Yeah, you don't have to pop off like this, man. Just chill out. This is an eight mile. Yeah. Yeah,'t have to pop off like this, man. Just chill out. This is an eight mile. Yeah. Yeah. Settle down, Orville Ridenbacher. I mean, my God.

All right. So you make that point. I'm surprised he wasn't done three minutes ago. Yeah. And the other thing is you, what about freight? What'd you say? Drive truck? What is it? what about freight? What did you say? Drive truck? What is it?

Expedited freight. So, like, things that, it's like overfill for semis and shit or, like, last-minute deliveries. They'll call me and be like, hey, you want to go to Texas today or you want to go to Kansas today or whatever. Uh-huh. So then, yeah. Okay. Well, that's interesting. And you said this was your first time doing stand-up.

Yes, sir. How old are you? 24. 24. What do you like to do for fun? What are, like, hobbies that you have when you're not fucking making popcorn? I don't know. Skateboard.

I don't know. Running. What's your Twitter name? NBA Drunk Contest. Yeah, what's that mean? I don't know, like, the dunk contest, but I drink a lot. You drink a lot? Yeah, all of us do, really. Yeah, what's that mean? I don't know, like the dunk contest, but I drink a lot. You drink a lot? Yeah, all of us do, really.

Yeah. I know. What's the most you ever drank? What happened that night? Tell us about it. So we did a night back in college called, oh, Captain, My Captain. It was just first. We love it.

So first group of three done with 175 of Captain Morgan won. And my group won, but I ended up getting in a fight with a couple of random kids on the street. When you say kids, are you talking about the new kids on the block? No, that's later, man. Yeah. Were they younger than you? What do you mean by kids? Just some college age.

I don't know. They were probably about my age, 21, 22-ish. How'd that fight go for you? One of my buddies got hit in the face with a bag of ice that this girl threw at him. Wow. I mean, that doesn't sound that bad, to be honest with you. No, that was pretty much the most of it. I missed like three punches. We were all smashed. Nobody

really hit each other. Oh, so a shitty story. Alright. Yeah, I don't know. Fucking, we drank a lot. Yeah. What are your parents still together? No. Duh. This is Milwaukee, man. You have a favorite

out of your parents? Mom or dad? My mom, for sure Yeah, what does she do? I don't even know, really I think she works at a gas station, though Wow, you guys seem to have She's had a lot That's the parent you're closest with, huh?

Yeah, oh yeah No idea, I think she might work at a gas station In fact, she might need my help, but go on I like your style, dude Alright, Donald, well, congratulations Thank you my help, but go on. I like your style, dude. All right, Donald. Well, congratulations. Thank you. I mean, you like to drink.

He makes popcorn. Expedited fright. I like it. There he goes. Donald Dargan, everyone. He's on NBA Drunk Contest on Twitter. This is fun. That's a real Wisconsin guy right there.

You know what I mean? He does what he has to do. He'd be expedited for it, makes popcorn. That's a real Wisconsin dude. That's what all the men are like here in Wisconsin. They're all like Donald. There's a collective no from this audience, responding to what you just said.

Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. Nick Davis. Here we go. There's a collective no from this audience responding to what you just said. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. Nick Davis. Here we go. Nick Davis. Here he comes. Milwaukee, what's going on, guys? Hell yeah.

I've been single for like three months now. Not much has changed, except I'm way happier. I find myself watching more porn now. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of some of the video holes I go down. Recently I found myself watching videos called Glory Hole Secrets. Which I think is an

oxymoron because if I did anything in a glory hole, I would definitely keep it a secret. But I'm very passive in relationships. Like I'm so passive, I have a body pillow and it's the outside spoon.

So if I ever found myself at a glory hole, all I would ever do is put my hand through it and hope somebody holds it. They would never hold it. Thank you. Thank you. They would never hold it. Thank you.

Hey, wow. Look at that. Some little fucking shades of the Mos Eisley cantina up in this motherfucker. Great set, man. I know that. Thank you. I appreciate it. I know that song. You look like if Harry Potter dropped out of Hogwarts and then gave everybody Hogwarts.

Have you ever been to a place with a glory hole, for real? Actually, well, I've been to Superb Video in Kenosha. I don't know if anyone has. There's probably a glory hole, but I haven't confirmed. I think it's probably pretty easy. Everywhere I've seen so far in Milwaukee has been a hole in the wall. Everywhere in Wisconsin is a hole in the wall.

I guess I'll be more broad next time. I'm not even from here, bro. I love it. Look at you. You look like Johnny Depp when he's in between projects. When he's just like let himself go. He's been on a bender for a month look at you

what do you do Nick I am an Olive Garden server what yeah America America America, America, God shed his breadsticks on thee. He looks like Mark Maron with no ambition.

Mark moron. How long have you been at the Olive Garden? Nine months or so now. Man, it's like never ending. Yeah, breadsticks, salad, whatever you need, buddy. I'll help you out. Wow. Well, I want to let you know that when you're here, dude, you're family.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah. Not going to be that mean to you. We love the Olive Garden. In fact, we just went there a couple weeks ago on leg one of this tour. If you guys want to swing down for lunch tomorrow on your way to Chicago, I'll be serving breadsticks.

Oh, I just came. Is that really true? Absolutely. Is your Olive Garden on the way? Pleasant Prairie, baby. What time do you work tomorrow? What time do you start? I believe 11 a.m. until about 2 p.m. Is it really on the way?

Can you guys confirm that? It's Pleasant what? What's the name of the city? It's in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. Right off the interstate on Highway 50. Are we sure Pleasant Prairie isn't the gayest part of Milwaukee? That sounds like... I mean...

Yeah. It is actually probably the gayest part. Do you have any Olive Garden tips? Like, you know, a long time ago, somebody goes, you should always order the Alfredo dipping sauce for the breadstick. Yeah, that's actually true. Changed my life. I agree with you.

Who recommended it? I know it wasn't a doctor that recommended it. Definitely not a doctor. Actually, our manager just got a pacemaker put in. Because for the last 30 years, he's only been eating Alfredo meatballs. Wow. Yeah, and I didn't understand his sense of humor at all. But when he came back from his surgery, I threatened to punch him in the pacemaker.

Wow. And then we were cool. Hell yeah. I threatened. I said I'd Bluetooth hack his pacemaker. Wow. And then we were cool. Hell yeah. I threatened, I said I'd Bluetooth hack his pacemaker because it has a Bluetooth sensor. I said, I'm going to shut off your fucking lungs, Jeff. And he just laughed. Jesus, wow.

Some like inside Olive Garden jokes right there. It's very dark. It's a very dark kitchen. Heck yeah. Well, that wasn't a tip really. I mean, there's a lot of black people. Is there any secret menu items would be a better question. Is there anything you'd

recommend? Secrets, yes. Just go there at lunch. The dinner duos are the secret. If you go there between 3 and 5 p.m., you get the same portions as dinner for half the price. Also, the buy one, take one right now is a pretty good option. But only from 3 to 5? Are you sure

tomorrow it's not from 11.30 to 12.30? I'm not bartending tomorrow. I don't have that kind of control. That's just for drinks is what you're saying. Soup and salad, I can ring that. I don't even have to ring that in the kitchen. We're not drinking during the day.

We're not from Wisconsin. We have fucking work to do tomorrow. Sorry I don't make popcorn you fucking idiots. Wisconsin. We have fucking work to do tomorrow. Yeah. Sorry I don't make popcorn, you fucking idiots. You guys are fun. So Nick, nine months at Olive Garden? Correct. So one could say you're about to

finally, the baby's about to come out? Yeah. I mean, I got this pretty much soon. I'm going to pop out a big meatball. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun? I mean, I got this pretty much soon. I'm going to pop out a big meatball. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun? I mean, I play basketball a little bit now and then. Really? You play basketball?

Not well. This is what basketball players look like here? I was at Appleton last night. Use that joke, Tony, bro. Come on, man. Yeah, I know. It's a podcast. What are you, the ball?

Yes, thank you. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. Go ahead. No, you's a podcast. What are you, the ball? Yes, thank you. Oh, go ahead, sorry. Go ahead, no, you go ahead. He's just surprised that average-looking white guys with no height play basketball in Wisconsin. Yes, exactly. It's all we are. It is something that every time. The Ricky Rubio of Wisconsin.

What do you want from me? Okay, what else? I play a little music here and there. Nothing, not drums. I have a Casio DG-10 electric guitar thing I fuck with. Yeah. That's fun. Stand up.

I've been doing this for a while. What's your love life like? Weird. Yeah. Tell us about it. I've been single for a few months. Yeah. I don't know what dating works in your mid-20s.

This is wild. Tinder's dumb don't date people you work with don't wear a denim vest yeah, they'll do it I mean, you say don't date people you work with but I know about the restaurant business and I can imagine what it's like working in an Olive Garden

you see these fucking first of all, you can relate to them you go out for drinks afterwards all of a sudden your fucking little breadstick starts getting a little hard you know what i mean yeah last uh what what about it yeah no i never said that i worked at olive garden but i have worked in restaurants multiple restaurants ruth's chris steakhousehouse, Louise's Trattoria. What's the one right by you in Burbank? Market City Cafe. Would you like my fucking resume, you piece of shit?

You worked at Starbucks. Yeah, I fucking did that too on my way to becoming one of the top young rising comedians in the world. You son of a bitch. This fucking guy over here. People son of a bitch. Yeah. This fucking guy over here. People telling me I'm repeating jokes. People correcting me. What the fuck is happening, Milwaukee?

I've worked for like 12 years as a waiter. You just fuck everybody. You go out drinking every night and spend all your money. Yeah, that's why I'm broke as fuck. I took off this week to go. I'm going to four dates, by the way. This is the second of the four shows I'm going to. And I took off this week to go. I'm going to four dates, by the way. This is the second of the four shows I'm going to. And I took off the week so I didn't have to work, and then I got broke as fuck from drinking all the time.

So now I'm working the whole week and coming to all these shows. The drinks are so cheap out here. How do you go broke from drinking? Because you're not making anything out here. I'm a server at Olive Garden. I'm not making much. Yeah, it's all relevant. Okay.

Yeah. I work lunches at an Olive Garden. You think those old wizards... No, we're already set. Let's move on. Okay, thank you. Keep me in line, yeah. Well, Nick, I mean, who knows?

You might get lucky. We might swing by Pleasant Prairie tomorrow and have lunch with you. Yeah, I'll be there, man. Request me. Maybe we could get a lot of these Prairie tomorrow and have lunch with you. Yeah, I'll be there, man. Request me. Maybe we could get a lot of these people here to go have lunch with you. Pleasant Prairie tomorrow. Go to Pleasant Prairie Olive Garden tomorrow.

Go see Nick. Thank you so much. Tip him well. The guy needs the money. Olive Garden Party. Olive Garden Party tomorrow, Pleasant Prairie. We'll say 11. We'll say 1145. Check out my song on YouTube,

Olive Garden, Butthole. That's true. Red Band loves Olive Garden, but really everybody loves Olive Garden. Have you ever been to the one that's like a red lobster and an olive garden together, and they give you both menus when you sit down. Oh my god. There's a few of those out there.

I just came in my pants again. Olive garden and a red lobster. I mean, that is just... What, did you die for a little bit and then come back? Did they shock you and you came back to normal life? I wonder where that is. What happened? I was just at an olive garden red lobster hybrid restaurant.

We should definitely find out because we're on the road so much, where one of those is. Yeah, that's the quality of food that we're looking for. Can I just say the local beer here is great. Well, this is Brew City, my friend. This is Joel Berg's first time in Milwaukee, his first time in Wisconsin, his first time to the Midwest. Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Martins, everyone. Andrew Martins. Here we go. Wow. Right from the front row. Here we go. Hey.

Hi, everyone. So, you guys ever have that co-worker at work who just doesn't do shit? I have one at my work today, actually today, who came into work. They sat down, sent out an email that said, my throat is shot. I am not going to be on the phones today. We work in customer service, so that's the whole job. So immediately after she sends that email, she stands up, and she walks around and talks to literally everyone in the office. She's laughing. She's having a great time. And honestly, I get pretty fucking sick of it pretty quick.

So I stand up, and I go, Susan, I swear to everything holy, if you don't get a goddamn groggy throat in about five seconds here, I'm going to drown myself in this goddamn delicious pomegranate LaCroix in front of everyone in the office. She sits down, daggers at me. Well, I think I have a meeting with HR when I get back to work, and they're going to ask me about my suicidal comments about the LaCroix. Okay, Andrew Martins, fuck yeah. Look at you, Andrew. You seem like such a nice guy. Look at you. You're so wholesome. You're like a real happy guy. You seem excited. You're smiling.

Your parents are still together, right? How did you know? How did I know? Because look at you. Look how happy you are. You're wearing penny loafers. Penny loafers, your shirt's tucked into your pants. You're wearing a belt. You look like nobody else here in Milwaukee. You're all put together properly. Parents are still together, though. You're being honest, right? Yeah, they're still together. How long have they been together? 30-some years or something crazy, right? I kind of wish I knew.

I know it's above 25. See, that's how nice of a guy he is. Man, I really wish I knew, Tony. I really don't, though. I just walk around happy and jolly all the time. Your parents are super rich. Your dad's very successful. Your mom's a stay-at-home mom.

My dad's a tool and dime specialist, so he's kind of like the light blue-collar dream. Right, right. What does mom do? Gym teacher. Gym teacher? Oh, wow. Look at that.

Have you ever caught your mom with another woman? Good question. Not to date, and it would be fairly surprising. He's so nice. I would like to see what a name-calling contest between Jeremiah and him would be fairly surprising. He's so nice. I would like to see what a name-calling contest between Jeremiah and him would be like using no cuss words. No cuss words allowed.

But be mean. But be mean with one another. I like this idea. You ready for this? Are you guys ready to have a name-calling competition with Jeremiah? You just caught... All right, I'll do it. I'll do it instead of Jeremiah. Let's have a name-calling competition with Jeremiah? You just caught... All right, I'll do it.

I'll do it instead of Jeremiah. Let's have a name-calling competition. No cuss words allowed. You're a nice guy. Let's see if you have a mean side to you. All right, you ready? You look like a gay, fat weatherman. I find your jean jacket disrespectful.

Okay. All right, let's do this again. Let's go another round. Do you want to go another round? Let's do it. Was it hard for your mom to fail her son in gym class? Alright, get him Bad news bears, she failed me in study hall

No, no, get him back It's an insult He already fucked it up He's such a nice guy You're lucky it was raining today Or I'd be very confused by your rain jacket. I'm searching for a jacket. Those are fighting words where I come from.

Oh, my God. This is the greatest thing ever. This is brilliant. Joel, you're a genius. This is your comedic voice. You're Andrew the greatest thing ever. This is brilliant. Joel, you're a genius. This is your comedic voice. You're Andrew the Nice Roaster. This is you. You fucking, you reverse roast. You're like a microwave.

You cook from the inside out. It's incredible. Landon, I'll tell you, if it wasn't raining today, I wouldn't know what to think of that outfit. You're lucky it rained today. Otherwise, I wouldn't know what to think of that outfit. You're lucky it rained today. Otherwise, I'd be confused. You're such a big, sweet guy. Look at you, Andrew.

This is incredible. I'm going to do one more. Yeah, okay. Andrew, here you go. You look like the kind of guy that's watched every episode of Bosh on Amazon. I've been standing here this whole time wondering if you drew your mustache on with a pencil or a permanent

marker. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. That was actually a pretty good one. And the answer's pencil. It looks like the hardest drug he's ever done is snorting cheese curds.

You want to get him back? Get him. Get him back, Andrew. Cheese whiz, actually. Whoa! How about one on this audience? What do you think about this audience? Be mean to this audience.

Come on, look at them out there. What do you got? What do you got? Just the whole audience. You guys ever watched a Packer game and looked at the audience? Yeah. Fucking horrible. And that What do you got? Just the whole audience. You guys ever watched a Packer game and looked at the audience? Yeah. Fucking horrible. And that's what you guys look like.

There's too many people. You're adorable. Andrew, what type of office do you work in? I work at Direct Supply, so it's like a company that services senior living, and I'm like a dispatcher, so I send people places. We need two ramps over in the retirement home. Yeah.

Interesting. Wow. Someone just booed you working at a place that helps senior citizens. That's so nice. How dare you? My God. So, Andrew, tell us something hard about you. You seem like a nice guy.

Tell us something that would surprise us about you. Is that a little tattoo I see sticking out of that sleeve? Whoa. What is that? What is that, a tattoo of the work you have to do tomorrow? What is that? They call Khaleesi the mother of dragons, but I call myself the father of dragons. Show that.

Wow, the father of dragons. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. Fucking lame of thrones. And by the way, you are a stepfather of dragons. No one would claim you as their actual father. I didn't walk out of the fire, but I sure raised him good. What kind of car do you drive?

An honest car, whatever it is. A 1996 Buick LeSabre. Wow. Pimp. Goddamn, Buick LeSabre. Wow. Pimp. God damn, Buick LeSabre. You got that? That's a hand-me-down from your parents? My grandmother, Vivian.

Booyah, you're damn right. Is this William Montgomery's brother? What did you say your grandmother's name was? It was Vivian. It was. Hey, what's the weirdest thing you ever googled on a porn site? What's the weirdest search thing you've ever...

Boobs! Delicious breasts. Vagina. Women's emotional state. No, but for real, you watch girls poop or something? Yeah, kinkiest thing you've ever gotten into for a little bit. Kinkiest thing.

Kinkiest thing you ever looked up twice. Old lady porn? Come on, be honest here. I did one time look up Devil's Threesomes, which I feel like is fairly kinky, an old pig roaster. Devil's Threesomes. Are you talking about the old Judge Kavanaugh shit you found out about? I didn't know about it until I saw him on the grandstand. Wow, that is, again, this all plays

right into your thing. That is fucking incredible. Well, thank goodness for the passing of Supreme Court nominee Judge Kavanaugh. I found out what a devil's triangle is. That's incredible. My goodness. What is that for those of us who have not known? It was a thing that was

signed in Judge Kavanaugh's yearbook when they went back and looked at everything the poor fucking guy's ever done before in his entire life. And it was, you know, it's a devil's triangle. He said that it was a drinking game, which is hilarious because he had to so that he could be a fucking Supreme Court justice. But he really just, him and his buddy fucked a chick at the same time. It's a devil's triangle when you're fucking a chick one end and the other end and then you high five and then it's a triangle. Hail Satan. Did you say that's

gross, lady? Eskimo. What? Yes, very good. We all know. Very good. Thank you, lady. Thanks for helping us so much. Yes, they are Eskimo brothers, but it's a little bit more because it's at the same time. It's like Eskimo Siamese twins in a weird way, basically.

Have you ever seen old lady porn? Now, that's pretty fucking crazy. There's one where the lady's 100 years old and she doesn't even know she's there. Check it out. It's fucking awesome. Wow. All right. Go watch that.

A little segue there from Red Van. I like how Red Van went into that. A little segue there from Red Van. I like how Red Van went into that. He said, you ever seen the one where, like it was an episode of Golden Girls that we've all seen? Yeah, I think it was. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Thank you for being a slut.

All right. Andrew, anything else we'd be surprised to know about you? Naughtiest thing about you. Come on, Andrew. Think hard. Think deep. What's the meanest thing you've ever done? The baddest ass thing? You ever fucking ride a motorcycle into a goddamn

fucking soup kitchen to feed the needy or something like that? I one time rode my bike into a truck, which is pretty exciting. Yeah, you rode your bicycle into a truck. Which is a felony in Wisconsin. What was that last thing you said, Andrew?

The training wheels were off. The what? Training wheels. So you crashed into the back of a truck. And that's the toughest thing you've ever done in your life. That's the most badass thing you've ever done. Or like the naughtiest thing. Like something that we'd be surprised to think

that such a nice guy did. You never like stole anything from anybody or took something or fucking like kicked a baby. Handjob at a massage parlor. You ever ridden a bike into a truck? Oh my god. Alright. I believe you now, Andrew.

Well, you did it here tonight. This was your first time doing stand-up, right? I love it, man. You came up here. You did it. You handled everything. You know who you are. I'd work on that nice roasting, man.

That could be your fucking calling. There you go. Andrew Martin is one of the nicest guys we've ever had on this show. He's on Twitter at amartins1991. Wow, look at that. People already shaking his hands. It's very cool. You guys having fun out there?

Wow, this is exciting. Put your hands together for Ya Butt, Ultra Lord. Okay. Here we go. Come on. He's coming from the back, it looks like. Come on, everybody. It's Ya Butt, Ultra Lord. He's taking his time.

Here we go. Here comes Ya Butt. One more time for Ya Butt, Ultra Lord. Here we go. Here comes your butt. One more time for your butt. Ultra lower. Here we go. So how's it going, guys? Excuse me. I'm addicted to nicotine, so I'm going to hit this thing right here.

I'm addicted to nicotine, so I'm going to hit this thing right here. To the podcast listeners, that's called a jewel. I don't know if Tony knows what that is, because I don't know if he's in my age range. I would like to talk about a trash or not trash moment in my life. Is it trash to finger a girl if she's on her period? I mean, eventually, like, if there's a girl in your bed who's on her period, you must be wasted. She must be wasted. So eventually, you just put Game of Thrones on because there's nothing else to watch.

You get too drunk to care. You just put your hand down there and you wake up with some blood under your nails. Wow, your butt. My goodness. What happened? I should have ended it there. I fucked up. What happened, your butt? What's going on here?

What happened? Where do you think you went wrong? I don't know. That confusing-ass jewel joke? I didn't want it to go as it did. So what did you... I don't understand. What did you mean by the jewel joke?

Was the joke supposed to be... I was just trying to say that you're old. That I'm older. Right. I have a jewel right here, you fucking piece of shit. You understand me? Sure, I'm older. Right. I have a jewel right here, you fucking piece of shit. You understand me? Sure, I'm 35, but I'm still one of the top young rising comedians in the world. All right?

And I'm going to be young until I'm 96 years fucking old. Young. This guy's young also. That's his last name. You are Asian. What kind of Asian are you? I'm Filipino. You're Filipino.

That's what we call on the sea. Sushi. Wow. Stop hitting your jewel. Relax, dude. You're fucking... How old are you? I'm 21. What the fuck? How old are you? I'm 21. Are you?

Wow. What the fuck? How old are you? I'm turning 22 next month. Turning 22 next month. Yeah. Okay. And what are you doing with your life? What does a day look like in the life of...

So it's summertime. Uh-huh. So I just like finished my fourth year of college. Uh-huh. But I didn't graduate fourth year of college. Uh-huh. But I didn't graduate, so that sucks. Why didn't you graduate? Because I failed principles of marketing. Talk louder into the microphone.

Oh, my bad. What do you think? Your dad's in the room? You can admit what class you failed. I failed principles of marketing. Principles of marketing. Uh-huh. Okay.

Sometimes I hear people talk and I understand racism. Yeah. I know. I am not a graduate from a college. I am a principal of marketing. Fuck yeah. All right. Let's keep talking to Ali Wong's little brother here.

This is exciting. So, yeah, but am I saying that correctly? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are both of your parents Filipino? They are. Uh-huh. And so what's your plan now that you failed out of college?

You have a job? So, yeah, I work for the Brewers. I don't know if you know what that is. Are you talking about the baseball team or the people that make beer? No, the baseball team. Okay. Why wouldn't he know what that is? I don't know.

You make zero sense. He wouldn't smoke because he's 10 years older than you or something? What the fuck? And of course I knew who the Brewers are. My team is the Cleveland Indians. We're all in the American League together. Aren't they called the Braves? What?

Aren't they called the Braves? Shut the fuck up. Stop trying to make jokes, please. It's not going good for you at all. I promise you. Whatever you think. I don't know if you have a bunch of little fucking Asian girls that laugh at your jokes all day, but it's not cutting it here, all right?

So, Ya Butt, tell us something about your real life. What's it like being 22 in Milwaukee as a Filipino boy? So, I work also for my uncle. And he so happens to run like a home care business. Yeah, so what do you do exactly? So I picked up some shifts because I'm not doing anything.

So basically, I go to this old guy's house in Glendale. And he's like this cute old Chinese guy. Wait, why is that a description? I don't know. I've never heard a grown man say, you know, I just watch over this cute

old lady. Definitely not a grown man. Eventually old people get to an age where they look cute. Yeah. You need to come out to see it. I will make a man out of you. You're so emotional. He just needs help with walking around and peeing.

Ya butt, what the fuck are you talking about right now? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm getting there. Listen to me. Ya butt. Yeah, okay. So were you getting somewhere with this? I was going to get to it.

Okay, go ahead. Get to it. So I have to help him in the bathroom, so I have to pull his dick out. Really? And put a urinal to his dick. Oh, wow. And he does that very frequently because he's old. Uh-huh.

Or because he likes you. It sucks. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Will you show me your lip? Does it say cum dumpster on it? Hey.

Ultra Lord. Why did you sign dumpster on it? Ultra Lord. Why did you sign up as the abut Ultra Lord? Because I just put my last name down. I was like, fuck it. I'll get blacklisted. And then I was like, no way I'll get called on. And I put my Instagram

name down. You're wearing a tailor-made hat. Do you play golf? Yeah. Is that your favorite sport? It is. U.S. Opens tomorrow. What? The U.S. Opens tomorrow. The U.S. Opens tomorrow. You're very excited about that, huh? I probably won't watch it, but... Oh, okay. I don't know

what the fuck to do with you, dude. You're about as fucking... You're like a fucking... I don't know what the fuck you are. Somehow you're a Filipino, yet you have more brain damage than Manny Pacquiao. It's incredible. How old are you again? 22.

22 next month. Basically is what he said. Your butt, anything exciting about your life? You ever have sex before? I haven't. You haven't? You still live with your parents? I ever have sex before? I haven't. You haven't? I haven't. Do you still live with your parents?

I just moved back with my mom, which is fun. Your parents are separated? She's still not putting out, sad. Yeah, I know. It's terrible. She really should. So you've never had sex before with a girl? No.

What about with a large-mouthed bass? Feels the same. Okey-dokey. How about what's the farthest you've gotten with a girl? You ever kiss a girl before? Yeah, you ever tongue a sunfish? Okay, okay. Sherman, Sherman.

You ever finger a perch? Okay. All right. Go ahead. You ever put your balls in a carp? Okay. There you go. All right.

Okay. Okay. So, what's the farthest you've gotten with a girl? You ever hook up with a gay fish? A rainbow fish? There we go. Hey! There we go. He's doing the thing. I've had someone suck my dick before. Really? Who was it? What was his name? Seriously.

Was it a guy? Was it a boy? It was not a guy. His name was Come Too Soon. Who was this girl? Where did you meet this girl at? I don't know. I just knew her through school. Yeah, just school? College? Yeah, basically.

Did you come? I did not. I told her my exact words. I'm too drunk to come right now. Oh my god. So you might as well stop. Do you still talk to her? Too drunk to come is my Native American name.

Did you ever try to do it again? Did you ever try to get her to take her out or anything? Yeah, we had a thing. Talking to the fucking tip of the microphone. We had a thing, but I was also the girl with the period and the fingering part, too. Oh.

It was at the same time, same night? No, that was a couple months later. So you fingered her, but you never got your dick sucked again? No, I did. I did also. Oh, okay. All right. Well, there you go.

Still a virgin? Yeah. What do you think is going to happen with that? You plan on doing something crazy? You think about visiting one of your aunt's massage parlors? What are you doing to the mic? He's jerking off the mic right now. For the audio listeners.

I feel like this has been a long time. I don't know. We love you long time, dude. That's what's fucking happening right now. Fingering a girl of a period. Was she also Asian? Yes. Yeah?

Was she Filipino as well, or did you disgrace your father's name? I did not disgrace anybody, yeah. Do you find yourself only attracted to Filipino girls? No, not at all. No. What's your favorite type of chick? Blonde? White girl?

Blue eyes? I would love a light-skinned girl with green all. No. What's your favorite type of chick? Blonde? White girl? Blue eyes? I would love a light-skinned girl with green eyes. Wow. Racist. I saw one of those girls at work the other day. One of those girls? Beautiful. I kept walking up and down.

I believe the video game is called Sims. Where were you walking down? You said you kept walking up and down seeing that girl. Where was this at? Where were you walking at? I was you kept walking up and down seeing that girl. Where was this at? Where were you walking at? I was working for the brewers. Okay. I was in the...

What do you do for the brewers, dude? Wait staff. Wait staff. Does that mean you go out and you sell beer in the stands? Basically, I get to charge people for concession foods. So you go up and down walking stuff around in the stands? So the answer is yes, or is it basically you charge people for stuff? Well, I walk around with a tablet and order the food.

Have you ever suffered serious fucking head trauma before in your life? Okay. Were you ever out on the golf course and a ball hit you in your fucking skull? Right where the back of your fucking head meets the base of your goddamn neck. I'm sorry. I'm kind of really high right now. Are you really high on what?

Nicotine, you fucking pussy? I have something called a dab pen. I don't know if you know what that is. I love it. Yeah, we're from California, you idiot. Yes, we know what all this shit is, ya butt. You don't know anything that we don't fucking know already. You understand?

His life movie will be called Crouching Tiger Hidden Brain. Yeah, it's incredible. All right, well, ya butt. Because he's Asian, he plays golf, and he is retarded. There he goes. There goes ya butt, everybody. Right back to, uh... Right back to being a weirdo.

Back to weirdo-ville, that guy. That was weird. That was weird. Really the only way to describe it. Every answer was like, well, basically, yeah, I mean... Okay. Every answer was like, well, basically, yeah. I mean, let me tell you about the. OK, put your hands together for your next comedian.

Bernhan Al-Waissi. Bernhan Al-Waissi. Here he comes. I wish that you would step back on that ledge, my friend. One more time for Burhan, everyone. So my name is actually Burhan Alwaisi. It's kind of a weird name. It's actually from the Middle East.

I know you guys wouldn't be able to tell by the way I look. I'm kind of like an undercover Arab. I'm like a whitey in the street, Muslim in the burqa sheets. Something about me is I do jujitsu. If you guys don't know what that is, it's kind of like wrestling with a little bit more choking, which is a good thing because I got a fetish. And it makes winning my spars really easy because nobody wants to keep

choking the guy that's getting a boner. Truthfully, though, I guess it really depends on which class I go to. I usually get smashed which class I go to I usually get smashed unless unless I go to the morning classes if I go to the morning classes those kids don't know what they're gonna get into I don't want to brag but little Jessica did not see that flying armbar coming I don't know I guess is it is it a is this a true fact that, like, Pompeii, they were the first people to play The Floor is Lava?

Heck yeah, look at you. Here he is. This is Berhan Al-Waisi. Al-Waisi. Al-Waisi. Sure. Waisi. Waisi.

What type of Middle Eastern are you? My dad's from Iraq. Wow. Oh, my God. I rock. Wow. Well, you rocked it up there tonight, Berhan. Wow.

So how about your mom? Where is she from? I think Wisconsin. Really? Yeah. So your mom just – when did she start hooking up with this fucking guy? So she went to college in Texas. Uh-huh.

And. Another place, a place that literally teaches you not to fuck Middle Eastern men. True. Funny thing is she got hooked up with my dad from like her boyfriend knew my dad. So he got a visa and came here. They just pass her around, huh? Basically. a visa and came here.

They just pass her around, huh? Basically. It took my dad like four or five times before she said yes to marrying him. Please, please, for the love of God, marry me. I need a green card. I need a green card and buy these airline tickets for me, please,

under your name. That's cool. What does your dad do? He's a manager at U-Haul. Manager at U-Haul. So a place that has giant storage trucks. He has infiltrated our country.

So he could possibly put things in these trucks. An insider is what they call it, right? Undercover. Wow. Alright. And you are extremely white. Yes. Did they stop you at airports? Have you traveled before? Yeah, we travel, my family and I, but

my brother does. He's darker skinned than me. Why do you think your brother's darker skinned? Did your dad pass your mom around? Like her boyfriend originally did? No. No. Just regular old just Iraqi shit. Sometimes the sand falls a little bit harder from the tree.

All right. So how old are you? How old? Yep. 22. 22 years old. Look at the difference between this 22-year-old and that last piece of shit. A real goddamn Iraqi American.

I never thought I'd say this, but I like the Iraqi a lot more than the last guy. Heck yeah. Well, that's exciting. So, wow. I mean, when was your mom going to Texas for school? Like, what ballpark? What age? Definitely in the Bush

presidency, right? It's like the Gulf War had to at least have started. I think before that i mean the my mom there was a bush before this last bush oh your mom's 60 yeah wow i'm the last of the three childs oh okay but she knew it was wrong what she was doing and that's the point i want to get to hell yeah so uh that's fucking cool what do you do uh i work as like a lab technician for uh dentistry like not not actually as a lab technician for dentistry. Not actually at a dentist.

The dentists send us fucked up teeth, and then we make the prosthetics for them. Oh, okay. That's cool. That's clearly a booming business here in Wisconsin. Helping people whose teeth are falling out of their skull. That's fun. You're 22. Have you lost your virginity yet? Yes.

Heck yeah. You know I don't fill up a U-Haul. Fuck yeah. Who is this girl? Like, my friend's friend? Yeah. Friend's friend. No, I don't want her name. I'm just saying, like, where'd you meet her at? How'd it go down? Whitewater.

I made friends with these neighbors, and she brought her friend over from Dickieville, which is right next to Idaho. Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, not Idaho. Heck yeah. Did she go down on you like Tower 7? Yes.

Did she go down on you like Tower 7? Did she? She did. I'm just impressed that Red Band has that historical reference underneath it. Well, that's fun. And you've done that a couple times or just once? Oh, yeah, a couple times. Yeah, a couple times.

Hell, yeah, you get around. You know what the hell's going on. How about now? You have a girlfriend? Unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, no. That's an interesting answer. Normally, it's unfortunately, yes.

Yeah, I guess that's true. I don't want a relationship. I'm trying to grind out my early years and then later on maybe settle down. What do you do for fun? What does a 22-year-old Iraqi do for fun? What do you do? Fly paper airplanes into buildings? I've gone skydiving a few times.

That will come in handy. Yeah. Skydiving, shooting guns. Very good. Are you sure this isn't ISIS training that we're talking about right now? Video games, too. CSGO, Counter-Strike, Headshot. There you go.

So you know how to operate a drone as well. Very good. All right. We're finding out all this. Can someone call Homeland Security, please? This is exciting. What's the most Iraqi thing about you, do you think? What stands out to you?

My name or the food I eat. Yeah. What's your favorite type of Iraqi food? Bamya. Bamya? You did that for most of your set tonight, so that's fitting. You are what you eat. I guess. How about that? What's the

whitest thing about you? Your white side. What do you think? I don't know. Let me see. The way you dress? Probably the way I sound. Yeah, the way you sound's a good one. Hey, me too, man. What is your shirt? You're wearing some kind of... Funhouse you sound's a good one. Hey, me too, man. What is your shirt? You're wearing some kind of... Funhaus.

It's a YouTube channel. Rooster Teeth. Funhaus. Woo! I love it. There you go. A little shout out to that. Wow. Alright, alright. Relax. Okay. Fucking model runway. Jesus Christ. What are you doing? What's happening right now?

Oh, God. He's doing his little native dance. He's belly dancing. Oh. Okay, very good. No, you settle down. Any other hobbies or anything? You good at anything? Fucking.

Jiu-jitsu. I try that. Jiu-jitsu. There you go. Really? What belt are we at? You're Iraqi, so it might be. One-stripe white belt. Oh, okay. Would you like to try to choke Joel Berg out? Jiu-Jitsu. Really? What belt are we at? You're Iraqi, so it might be...

Would you like to try to choke Joel Berg out? Would you like to do that? I don't know. What? Wow. Oh, shit. These guys are fucking... Something's going down here. Wow. What's happening?

I think they're fighting. Wow. Oh's happening? I think they're fighting. Wow. Oh, my God. This is very. All right. Wow. This is exciting. Wow.

Oh, oh, Joelberg's got him in a choke here. Joe's got him? Wow. All right. He's going to. I think he's going to. There's a tap. He tapped. He tapped going to. I think he's going to. There's a tap.

He tapped. He tapped. Wow. Look at that. That was one of them. And Joel Berg, to be honest, Joel Berg's wearing a gi. I mean, that's pretty much a gi, a rubber gi. That's the gayest thing Milwaukee's seen since they closed LaCache.

Yeah. There's a little reference there. I don't know what's going on here. Fuck yeah. Kind of look like our friend Ari Maness, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. Do you dislike black people? No.

No, you like them. Do you have any black friends? Yeah. Is that true? Do you have any black friends, contacts? Yeah, I actually have photos of them in my pocket. Really? Oh, like National Geographic? No, no, no, it's cool.

I have a black friend. Yeah. Do you have a black friend's contact in your phone for real? Yeah. What's his name? Which one? Is it in the ends? There's Deshawn. There's Antonio. Antonio. That's about it. Alright. I'll allow it. I believe you.

Alright. Well, Berhan Al-Waissi. Yeah. That's about it. That's it. All right. I'll allow it. I believe you. All right. Well, Burhan Al-Waisi, did you have fun here tonight? Is this your first time trying stand-up comedy? No, I've done it about a dozen times. About a dozen times. Heck, yeah. Is it something that you think you want to do forever? No, I mean, I'll do it as a hobby.

Something that you want to get better at? Yeah, absolutely. I want to improve myself always. There you go. In everything. I like your attitude. There he goes. Burhan. I want to improve myself always. There you go. I like your attitude. There he goes. Burhan Al-Waissi, everybody.

There he goes. There's a jujitsu hug. They fell in love up here tonight. Very exciting. Heck yeah, we're running out of time. Should we go to the bucket just one more time, huh? I guess so. Why not? I feel so. Why not?

I feel bad because I couldn't feel the tap on this thick rubber coat. Yeah. Yeah, well. Should have let go a long time ago. Yeah, there's a real fisherman up here. Okay. You guys having fun? I mean, it's like extreme highs and lows. You guys go from

loud to quiet real quick. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Paul Onegluik. One-gluik. There he comes. Paul Onegluik. Here he comes.

Come on. One more time. Good and loud for Paul, everybody. How's it going, guys? There was two guys behind me arguing a line earlier. They were arguing about the mass of the sun. I thought, that's fucking gross, two guys just publicly masturbating. I work in customer service. It sucks. I hate people.

But, like, that customer service switch is always on. Like, I'm always just too nice. Like, I've been accused of being Canadian. Like, I've developed this tick where people will run into me, and I'll just go, oops, sorry. I've never been to Canada. I don't know where it came from. It's like they get bumped into by a confused ghost. I want to get a vasectomy. I went to Google, and I was like, where do I get A? And it just auto-completed vasectomy.

Fuck you, Google. There's this list of requirements you need to meet to get a vasectomy. You can't be addicted to drugs. You need to be stable mind. I don't get why we don't have those requirements to have kids. All right. Paul, welcome, welcome. This is your first time doing stand-up comedy, correct?

No. Is that bad? No. How long have you been doing it? About a year. About a year. All here in Milwaukee? No, I'm from Chicago.

Oh, wow. South of Chicago. Heck, yeah. Came up here just for this? Yeah. Oh, very cool. You're going to be there tomorrow night at Thalia Hall? Hell, yeah. That's going to be a big one.

Well, that's fun. You've been listening to this show a while? Oh, yeah. That's what got me into it. It's what got you into it. Was there a specific moment in Kill Tony history in which you're like, you know what? I can do this. We just had the Iron Patriot on for that long.

It was kind of, if he could do it, I could get on stage. Who the fuck is that guy? Don't worry about it. Who the fuck? He still thinks he's on the show. I could get on stage. Who the fuck is that guy? Don't worry about it. Who the fuck? He still thinks he's on the show. I love it. Sorry. Welcome, welcome, Paul.

You've been doing it a year. Very fun. How do you make a living? I work at Trader Joe's. Hey, look at that. Ring the bell. As what, Trader Joe himself? No, I wish.

Yeah? What do you do there? Just one of the Hawaiian shirt-wearing floaters? No. I did that for about a year, but I just fill the dairy box most of the time. Heck yeah, the dairy box. Hell yeah. I know. Super fun. Right.

How about for fun? What do you do when you're not working out? You fill the dairy box? Yep. Is that what they call having sex with a woman in Wisconsin? Ha ha ha. Is this what they call having sex with a woman in Wisconsin? What do you like to do for hobby-wise? You seem like the kind of guy that has three computers all lined up next to each other. You fucking roll around like that. It's only two.

Really? Video games, yeah. Video games, I bowl. Wow. What's the best game you've ever bowled? 298. 298? Wow. It's very impressive.

Very impressive when someone bowls their weight. It's incredible that you were able to do that. I was going to guess cereal. Did you really bowl a 298? Yeah, fucked up the last ball. their weight, and it's incredible that you were able to do that. I was going to guess cereal. Did you really bowl a 298? Yep, yep. Fucked up the last ball. Wow. Yeah. Really? The very last one. Frame 10?

Yeah. Oh, my God. That's pretty crazy. Man. Do you remember what happened? Were you thinking about something, or what happened? No, I just fucked up. I mean, this was like eight years ago, and it still haunts me. Uh-huh.

So wait, you, on frame 10, you got a, you didn't get a strike? Because isn't it too, like, to get 300, you have to have, like, three strikes in a row? Yeah, it's 12 strikes in a row, so the 12th one. Wow. Man. I had a chance to kill the Loch Ness Monster one time. Yeah? What happened?

I choked. Wow. It winked at me, blew me a kiss, and I never saw her again. My goodness. And that haunts me to this day. What part of the seven seas were you at when that happened? Lake Ontario. Lake Ontario.

Wow. Very close to here. That's incredible. Paul, so you're a pretty, you could admit that you're a pretty sort of like nerdy guy, a lot of computers, bowling is your go-to. Anything else, anything crazy about you that we'd be surprised to know?

Probably not. You ever almost die before? No. You ever almost die before? No. You ever save someone's life? No. Sometimes I hear her call in the middle of the night. The Loch Ness Monster?

Woo! Woo! That's the noise that she makes? Was she a baby owl? I don't know. May have been. All right. Paul, is there anything that scares you? What are you afraid of?

Public speaking, probably. Public speaking. Wow. Get in the comedy. If you can see the sweat, I'm terrified. Well, you just look like the kind of guy that sweats all the time. Also true. Yep.

You're a pretty hefty guy. What's your favorite food? Ooh. Probably pizza. Yeah, you're a Chicago guy. That makes sense. What's your favorite food? Probably pizza. Yeah, you're a Chicago guy. That makes sense. What's your spot in Chicago for pizza? No.

I don't know. Whoever that first lady was sounded fat. I believe her. She yelled out Jared Arnold's and he said Lou Malnati's. Lou Malnati's. That tends to be my go-to. I think it's the first one someone ever showed me, and I just sort of stick with it.

Wow. You live in the south side of Chicago, you said? Like the suburbs, yeah. What's the name of the suburb that you live in? Plainfield. Plainfield, yeah. That sounds like it's not the south side of Chicago. No, no.

That sounds like a true suburb. Is that a pretty small city? Is it close? No, it's not the south side of Chicago. No, no. That sounds like a true suburb. Is that a pretty small city? Is it close? It's pretty big. Big farming community. Right. People bought a bunch of houses. How old are you?

30. 30. And why Plainfield? How'd you end up there? That's where my parents live. Oh, you still live with your parents. Oh, cool. You in the basement?

Yep. You are in the basement? Guilty. Fuck yeah. Parents are still together. Yep. You are in the basement? Yep. Guilty. Fuck yeah. Parents are still together. Yep. What does your dad do? He works at a power plant.

Wow. A real man. Yeah. Look at that. That's incredible. How about mom? Stay at home. Stay at home. Are you a Simpson?

Yeah. Homie. That is incredible. Heck yeah. It's true, he is. He's Blart Simpson, combination of Bart Simpson and Paul Blart. Paul Copp.

Paul, go in the basement. Wow. So your mom's a stay-at-home, just like you at age 30, still there. Fucking awesome. You ever get into an argument with your dad? I mean, about what? Ooh, that's a yes.

Not lately. I mean, we've argued about bowling. Bowling? Does he bowl, too? You go bowling with your dad? Was he there when you bowled at 298? And he's like, you know what? This is just the story of your fucking life, Paul. Is that better than he has ever bowled though?

Probably. No, he's had like 700 or 800. 300 games? My sister had one in practice, and she still holds that over my head. Wow. Damn, that's crazy. She's taller than you. No.

Oh. No. Fun. That's crazy. She's taller than you. No. Oh. No. Fun fact about bowling balls. I had a really nice bowling ball that a professional bowler gave me and I said my name on it and I left it in my car and it blew up because there's little water particles in a bowling ball and in heat it expands. So it's like

a bomb. Watch you fuck off, cunt. heat, it expands. So it's like a bomb. Why'd you fuck off, Cunt? You forget this is also a podcast. Oh my goodness. Wow. Paul. Sometimes I hear the Loch Ness Monster yell in the middle of the

night, boring. Well, Paul, I mean, I'll tell you this. You've been doing it a year. I don't know if you picked the right jokes for tonight. I don't know if anybody believed that in the line for Kill Tony

before that two people were debating about the mass of the sun. I don't think that that's believable. No way, dude. It's fucking hundreds of thousands of fucking... Like, what the fuck are you talking about? You look like divorced Bobby Hill. It's your Bobby Hill reference. Here we go.

It's not even this song. But, Paul, I'm going to send you on your way. There he goes, Paul, I'm going to send you on your way. There he goes, Paul, one glue. I mean, you know, I love you guys, and I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea, but I have to say that I think we need to go back to the bucket one more time. Now, that's not to say that I don't like this episode. It's quite the opposite. I think that we can go out on

some type of bang. There's something in my gut. We're going to do a fast one here and then we're going to get out of your way and we're going to be over there taking pictures with you, signing posters. Let's see what happens here. It's an exciting name. We started with the ladies. We're going to end with the lady. Put your hands together

for Mary Bayerl. Bayerl. Mary. There she is. The bucket of destiny has called your name. You will be the final comedian of the night, live in the first ever Milwaukee Kill Tony. Make some noise for Mary, everybody.

What up, Milwaukee? This is really exciting. I'm here with my friend Megan. She's up there. I appreciate no one sitting next to us just waiting for our boyfriends to show up. And I mean, they're not here. So it's just us. But my friend Megan is pregnant, which is super exciting. She's my first friend to really be ready to have a baby, I guess, because that takes time. But so we've been talking about, you know, what are kids going to look like? Like, is it going to be brown hair, you know, curly hair, whatever? And like, is it going to be good at sports? Is it going to be like a nerd?

And really the best thing that I've decided about her future child is that it's going to be the person who will buy my children alcohol when they're underage. So, yeah. And that's all I have. Wow, look at you. That's adorable. I mean, not a single fucking joke in there. We really did end the way we started with someone that clearly had no idea that they were going to get pulled out of the bucket. What happened here, Mary? First time doing stand up, right? Yes.

How about a hand for that? Come on. I mean, I don't know what happened, but what happened here tonight? So, well, I was supposed to come here with my boyfriend, and he decided to watch the blues. Wow. Wow. Whatever, he's at the New Kids on the Block concert.

You know he is. He is in St. Louis. Uh-huh. He's in St. Louis. Yes. So when you say he was going to come here with you, when did he make the decision to go to St. Louis? Yesterday. And he just left. Yes.

You know that he's cheating on you right now, correct? No, I'm just kidding. So what made you sign up? Are you a fan of the show? Yeah. So, yeah, I've listened to the show a little bit. I definitely didn't expect to get called. up you a fan of the show yeah he um so yeah i've listened to the show a little bit i definitely didn't expect to get called but i did kind of prepare which just says i suck at preparing so

you know um my friends say i'm funny which doesn't mean much of anything and your friend what my friends say i'm funny uh-huh uh-huh what do you do for work i work at a non-profit, like a youth development. Yeah, yeah. Non-profit. Uh-huh. This girl's good. How pregnant is your friend that you came here with? Like halfway there. Halfway there. Okay.

And how long have you been with this boyfriend? Five years. Five years. You guys still having sex? Everything healthy in the relationship? Thumbs up. Thumbs up his butt? What are we talking about?

Kinkier than ever? We are not pregnant, so that's great news for us, I think. What would happen if you got pregnant? Would you have an abortion or have the baby? Hey, come on. We're getting towards the end of the episode. I have to take chances here. Don't groan at me.

What is this, Alabama? The fuck is happening right now? Would you have the baby? You seem like you don't want to have a baby. I don't. Right. Are you on birth control? Yes.

You are. So this morning my... It's not funny. No, go ahead. My birth control pill fell on the floor and I couldn't find it, so... Uh-oh. Hell yeah. Whoopsie, baby.

Wow. Wine's not going to do anything. Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, I'm good. What's the craziest thing you and your boyfriend have ever done sexually? It's true. You have five years. Say it slow and in French.

There must be something. You seem like such a good person. We're excited to know anything crazy. You and your boyfriend ever have sex in a porta potty? No. Nothing like that. Did you get your sweater from the movie Grease? Did you? Did you get the sweater from the movie Grease? Did you?

Did you get the sweater from the movie Grease? No. Tell us something about you that we'd find interesting, something that you think makes you different than all these other people here. I loaned someone money once, and for collateral, they gave me a gun. What?

Sick. That's crazy. You bought a gun. You know that? You bought a gun. Yeah, That's crazy. You bought a gun. You know that? You bought a gun. Yeah, that's true. What kind of gun was it? Do you remember?

A.22. Yeah. Do you still have it? Did they ever get you the one that... Do you still have the gun? Yes. Do you know if it's stolen? Are you allowed to have a gun?

How much did you let them borrow like two hundred dollars two hundred dollars and you're like okay but i need something that uh to know you're gonna pay me back and they're like here you go here's this gun and you're like okay i'll keep it where do you keep the gun in a purse in my closet. Wow. Heck yeah. Interesting. Can we not gloss over the fact I guessed exactly what type of gun it was? I mean, it's a 20.

I mean, it's not that amazing. There's probably, honestly, three options. Yeah. It could have been any of the other three, you idiots. Wow. Jesus Christ. Okay. Okay. Well, Mary, anything else that you think we'd be surprised to know

about you? I have gotten, I've crashed my car three times. Three times. That's normal for a female. Yeah, I don't know what's going on here. This is an interesting one. Now, you say that you didn't

okay I oh one of my jobs when I was in college I made toilet paper uh-huh go ahead keep going so with that um the worst part of it really was working with the older men who were there and it's not that they were like sexual harass sexual harassing or anything. They would just talk to you about the people who had died on the job during the break. Oh, boy. My God. That's incredible. Sure.

Oh, yes, Sherman. Yes, I've got a question. You seem like a very bubbly, nice person. What is the worst thing you've ever done to somebody? Good question. Worst thing you've ever done to somebody? Good question. Worst thing you've ever done to somebody. Oh, God. I...

You motherfuckers out here are boring as fuck in Milwaukee. I'll tell you. You shot somebody that owed you money? With their own gun? I let my parents down. I let everybody here down. I let everybody here down. I'm sorry. Do you like anal?

No. Boo. Well, I mean, I don't know what to do here. What time do we start? Go for it. Do one more. Do one more. All right. Well, I'm going to send you on your way.

There goes Mary Baera. Baera. I don't know, man. We've reached our maximum. What's the longest episode we've ever had? We have no choice, guys. I'm sorry, but that's the entire episode. That's a two-hour-long episode. Brian's saying that that's the longest episode in Kill Tony's history. One good fact check that.

But we did it here. We tried our best. Next time, maybe here in Milwaukee, if you're just sort of thinking about signing up, just sort of maybe thinking about it, how about you don't fucking do it? How about you let people that really, really want to do this sign up? After the show, we're going to be right over there at that table and make a single file line. How about one more hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?

We did it. A little bit of house lights maybe for this video. Yeah, look at that. Jeremiah did it. A little bit of house lights maybe for this video. Yeah, look at that. Jeremiah did it again. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody. Live from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Jeremiah's got the new

Reagan and Watkins album. The new Jeremiah Wonders is out with Pete Holmes on Jeremiah Wonders podcast. Jeremiah's stand-up on social media, Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube, and you have some dates coming up, some new Reagan and Watkins dates. Why don't you tell the listeners about that? Yeah, look out for us in San Diego on June 28th, and then we'll be in Phoenix at Stand Up Live in July, and then I'll be headlining back in my hometown of Kansas City in December. There you go. How about one more hand

for Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez everybody. His first time in Wisconsin. His first time in Milwaukee. Joel Berg's at Mostly Sorry on all social media. Anything else you want to say Joel Berg? I love you guys. First time out here. I love you. Peace out. Thanks for coming. There you go. That was a lot of fun.

We had fun here tonight. The tour continues. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. How about one more time for the great Brian Red Band, everybody? Milwaukee, we love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. We'll see you over there after the show. We'll take pictures, posters, pins, all that good shit.

See you guys. Bye, everybody. Good night. Good night.ご視聴ありがとうございました Thanks for watching! you