KILL TONY - KILL TONY #364 - CHICAGO

Episode Date: June 20, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/13/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at the world famous comedy store every Monday, but we are on the road. July 10th will be in Plano, Texas at the Hyenas. July 11th, Fort Worth, Texas.

July 25th will be in Philadelphia at the Fillmore Theater. And July 26th will be in Pittsburgh. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out that for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebel, the house artist. He draws every episode. He makes posters.

He made the book. Go to RyanJEbel.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe and Kill Tony. Check out Kill Tony t-shirts, Death Squad hats, and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Chicago for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Finally, Kill Tony has come to Chicago. Let him hear.

Yowie wowie, Red Band is here. It is the moment you have all been waiting for believe it or not we've been all around the world and finally chicago illinois ladies and gentlemen how fucking exciting is this packed damn house here at beautiful thalia hall exciting times is my saying that right th Thalia Hall? Thalia. Yeah, no, it's Thalia, you Thalia motherfucker. The sound guy just said yes. Wrong ass bitch. Excited to be here. The fun keeps going on.

We're going to go to a baseball game tomorrow night. Got the night off here in Chicago. Going to watch the White Sox and Yankees. You know what I mean? Rep for fucking Zent. A lot of Frank Thomas fans here on the Kill Tony cast, believe it or not. The big fucking hurt. Those big bionic hips. Oh my god.

This place is rowdy. Can't even say what we're doing for fun around town. My god. Exciting times. Then on Saturday we're in beautiful Madison, Wisconsin. Sunday, Minneapolis. And that is the third leg of the tour. And then we go to New York all next week.

Poughkeepsie, two shows in New York City at the Gramercy Theater before going crazy at Skank Fest, June 21st to the 23rd. You mean Shafir Fest, right? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. We're going to beautiful Philadelphia at the Fillmore. Tickets just went on sale today over our friends over at Live Nation.

Use the promo code Groove. You can get them today, or you can wait until tomorrow like a peasant. That show is in Philadelphia at the Fillmore, July 25th. Literally our biggest show ever, over 2,000 people all at once in Philadelphia. That's insane. We sold out, I think, five or six shows there in the past. And who knows? Maybe Chicago.

Maybe one day we'll be doing Wrigley Field. Who knows? Who could possibly dream for the chance to sign up? People are booing that, too. You just can't win in this fucking city. Maybe we'll do it at the Blackhawks ice rink. Is that something we can all agree on, you motherfuckers? Jesus Christ.

This place is out of control. Of course, Ryan J. Ebel couldn't make it. He's back in L.A. watching old movies and westerns and shit. However, he did send along with us an amazing Ryan J. Ebel print that is this leg of the tour, this leg of a tour poster that we'll be selling, taking pictures with you, shaking hands. There's also some pins for sale from our friends over at Rockin' Pins,

a cool Glow in the Dark Death Squad pin, the brand spanking new Kill Tony pin. I've got one right here. Look at that fucking sly motherfucker. And Tony Hinchcliffe pins. And the new Reagan and Watkins album is also available, I do believe, for sale after the show. Exciting stuff.

As always on the road shows, we're going guestless tonight. It's just going to be the core after the show. Exciting stuff. As always on the road shows, we're going guestless tonight. It's just going to be the core of the show. However, even though we don't have a guest, believe it or not, Chicago, we do have a band. Yes, it's true. Every single episode they commit to being in and staying in different characters. Maybe it's a brand spanking new character. Maybe it's a character that we've seen before that we love on this show. This is Joel Jimenez's first time in Chicago.

Jeremiah Watkins is on top of the charts with the new Reagan and Watkins self-titled debut album right now. We're all having a good time and a fun week. We're excited to bring it home here in Chicago. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Bad boys. Oh! Wow!

They are police officers tonight. We've seen these guys before. My goodness, that is the bicycle cop. You are here. Somebody stole my damn bike. Remind me of your name again. Lieutenant Stroganoff. Lieutenant Stroganoff?

Yeah. Raised Polish. Nice hair. And back here we have Officer Cheech, is it? What the fuck are you? How do you look more Mexican than you normally look? That's almost impressive. You keep

talking like that, you're under arrest. Wow. Officer Rodriguez, LAPD. Officer Rodriguez. I'm writing this down so that I don't forget. Stroganoff. Lieutenant Stroganoff, Chicago PD. Oh, look at that.

Someone knows how to play to the fucking home crowd, huh? LAPD over here. What an idiot. Yeah, I'm the police officer for the Philadelphia Phillies. You know what I mean? It's the name of a sports team that they hate here. Good thing it's not Milwaukee PD in the house, you know?

Alright, alright. Shut up with your booze. Save it for the idiots that come up here tonight. You guys know how it works. We got a bucket here. A bucket of goddamn destiny that I'm telling you, I can feel the energy in this fucking thing tonight.

A lot of sign-ups. I'm excited about this show. We're coming off a goddamn, what I would consider a fucking bunk-ass, boring, to me, it was a boring episode last night in Milwaukee. We did not like last night.

I'm willing to say it. I'm willing to say it. I didn't like the fucking hotel in Milwaukee. I didn't like the fucking people that we pulled out of the bucket. I didn't like the fucking hotel in Milwaukee. I didn't like the fucking people that we pulled out of the bucket. I didn't like anything about Milwaukee, and I'm taking a stand here the first night

I can in Chicago, and I'm saying I'm anti-Milwaukee and pro-Chicago. To me, it's insulting to even compare the two cities, but you're going crazy. Right. So I have no regrets.

If I pull your name out of the bucket, you know how it works. You get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted to hopefully do stand-up comedy. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Boys Town bear. And I can tell just from hearing it, that is one big gay fucking bear. Super gay. This is exciting. The entrance way is hard

left over there. Is there somebody with a flashlight working here? Yeah, look at that flashlight. That's your fucking light of destiny. When I call your name, you follow to that light and you follow where that person shows you to go. Don't fucking trip and be an idiot. Take your time. Look where you're going. It's dark. It's a real stage. You're not used

to it. It's show business shit. Alright, so learn quick. Look for the pieces of fucking yellow tape. Don't trip. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? It has begun. Lieutenant Stroganoff is back. Officer Rodriguez, Brian Redband,

the Bucket of Destiny, here we fucking go. Oh, there's... I found my other Sharpie marker. That's where I put it, right there. Cap off. You guys ready to start this bitch? Fuck yeah. Now remember, Chicago. Oh, this one's blank for some reason.

How'd a fucking blank one end up in there? Just a reminder to all you fucking day-drinking idiots that have infiltrated the system. Do not heckle the comedians no matter what during their 60 seconds. Don't interrupt them, okay? We'll talk to them afterwards, all together, like a bunch of fucking adults. You got it? Don't be an idiot during somebody else's 60 seconds, or I've told the staff to

literally kick out immediately anyone they see yelling during anyone's 60-second parts. When they're done with the 60 seconds, we can boo them all together if they're that bad. Your first comedian going up tonight getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Dan Marganski, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. It has begun. Oh, Chicago.

Hey. Chicago, Chicago. How about a hand for the band, everybody? They're here. In the flesh. Here's your first comedian kicking it off, Dan Marganski. Fuck yeah, I'm feeling good, man. Went over to the aquarium last weekend, man.

That's a great place to spend the day right there, man. It's like 20 bucks for a ticket to get in, another 20 for a little baggie of mushrooms, right? It's a fun combination right there, man. If any of you guys don't know where any mushrooms are from, here's a little tip for you. Just go around back to the aquarium, just look around in the bushes and shit.

You'll actually see a guy there who sells mushrooms. Yeah, I'm that guy, okay? I'm going to make a lot of money tonight. Fuck yeah. Last time I did Mushrooms at the Aquarium, I put on Pink Floyd, The Division Bell. Great album for the aquarium. It's all aquatic sounding and shit.

It's great. The fish were digging it too. They were loving it. They were like changing colors in the lights. Dancing along to the music and stuff. It was great, man. I even caught eyes with one of the fish there. Just me and this little fish staring pupil to pupil, all right?

It's really beginning to connect on a supernatural level with this fish. Then I realized I've been staring at my own reflection in the glass. For two and a half hours, people. I wasn't even at the aquarium i was at a petco fuck yeah dan marganski you were at a goddamn petco what a great way to start off the show funny jokes right down the barrel i mean and there you are this is what chicago guys like. Pale fucking pasty skin. Everyone's got their unfitted floppy fucking ball cap just ready to deliver fucking pizzas and disappoint their parents.

You know what I mean? We have arrived. I'd like to offer you a position on the force. So, Dan, how long have you been doing stand-up for? Five years. Five years. That's right. This is a real comedy town.

I've signed up for Kill Tony about eight or nine times the first time I got on. Wow. In Los Angeles? Once in San Diego. That's where I'm from. And like eight times in LA. Wow.

Look at that. It's pretty fucking crazy. That is crazy. Do you live in Chicago now? I just moved here last year. What made you move here? Comedy. You moved here from Los Angeles?

No, San Diego. Comedy. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. So you lived in L.A. for a while? No, no, no. San Diego pretty much my whole life. Most of your life.

So when you came up to those Kiltonys, you were just driving? Yeah, just a road trip back and forth. Wow, well, look at that. All those fucking trips. And in that time, in all those years, you got good. You know what I mean? So you fucking got to come here and flex and get the show kicks started with a bang. That's awesome.

So you moved to Chicago for comedy, but what are you doing for a living? How do you make money? Just working in a kitchen. Working in a kitchen? Yeah. Why'd you choose Chicago and not just go up to L.A. to try comedy for a bit? Because I wanted to get better at comedy. All right.

There's a lot of competition. What does that mean exactly? What do you mean you wanted to get better at comedy? Well, for one, I wanted something different. Like living in California my whole life, I was like, you know, I need something different. Like surprisingly, I actually wanted to live in snow and rain and stuff. Right. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's what all those idiots born in California do. Oh, man, I got to get out. And then they go to college or whatever, and they come back with their tail between their legs, fucking freezing. Yeah. So you've been here a year so far.

What do you do in that kitchen? What do you do? Eat the scraps off the floor? I mean, if you have to. I eat so many scraps. Yeah, what do you do in the kitchen for work? I make salads, and I make a lot of toasts. I work the brunch shift, so I work the brunch and then do comedy at night. Ah, brunch.

What a fag. It's Pride Month. I can say that word. All right? Let me tell you something. Before you get all judgy, I can say that word because people yell that word at me from moving cars when I'm walking down sidewalks, all right?

They go, hey, nice jacket, fag. And I'm like, hey, I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. So Dan, how's Chicago going for you? It's expensive to live here too, right? That's what they say. That's what I got a girlfriend for. Oh, look at you.

Yeah, cuts it right in half. Wow. Well, she pays a little more. My God, I cannot believe you have a girlfriend. Yeah. What does she do for work? Aesthetician, eyebrows and stuff. Wow, eyebrows and stuff.

I got the hookup if you need it. Does she do your eyebrows? Yeah, I let her do my nose a couple weeks ago. It was pretty fun. Yeah, you let her do your nose? What does that mean? She put a dildo up it. Oh, fuck.

Dan, you wacky son of a bitch. She waxed my nose hairs. How long have you been with her? Like four years now, five years. Four years. My goodness, wow. One girl during that was like, aw. She literally cannot lock a man down.

That is incredible. If you think that is so romantic, four or five years, that you get audibly emotional about it, I really feel bad for your super tight pussy. What the fuck? Tony. That is incredible. What do you and your wife like to do for fun? Tony. That is incredible.

What do you and your wife like to do for fun? Fuck. Wow, look at you. You'd think you'd have more color in your face or something like that. You look like a fucking Elmer's glue bottle. What? I thought sex burned calories. Never mind.

Joelberg's getting warmed up over there. So, Dan, anything else crazy about your real life? Like a fun fact about you that we might find interesting? All these fucking beautiful people. I just listened to an episode about the guy with the tattooed eyeballs and stuff. I was like, dude, I got nothing to say. I don't know. I got a DUI doing comedy like everybody else. That's about it.

My girlfriend was giving me a handjob while I was driving. I got a DUI. Is that true? Yeah, that's 100% true. There you go. That's fucking good. Now, so how much did you have to drink that night? That's when I knew I was going to marry her.

Wow. I had maybe like four or five, you know, like a few drinks. Four or five drinks, and then you're in the car, and she starts jerking you off. Are we talking spit? First of all, let me ask you this. She's right-handed, correct? She's in the passenger seat, correct? Yeah, I think so. Dan, just answer the fucking questions.

I had a couple to drink. Does she go left-hand awkward style or does she reach over her body and go right-hand? I'm just curious. I'm the kind of guy that can only go straight to blowjobs. If anybody's doing anything, we're going straight.

There's no fucking handjobs in this world. But your nerdy little pasty world, I understand. So I'm curious as to how a car handjob works. What do they call that? Road hand? The fuck even? I don't even know how that happens. Can you drive stick?

She was prepared. Come on, Dan. I'm 100% serious. I want to know the real answers. No, I'm not even joking. I got a DUI with lube on my dick. I'm not even joking. You had a bottle of lube in the car?

I think she brought it with her. In her purse? In her purse, yeah. Just a bottle of lube. It's probably hand sanitizer or something like that. Yeah. My goodness.

It just sounds fishy to me. No, it's true, though. It's true. Shooter's open mic in San Diego. How close were you to finishing? Were you like, officer, wait one second. I thought you looked familiar.

Once I saw those lights come on. Did you zip it up and everything? Were you able to put it back in? Yeah, yeah one second. I thought you looked familiar. Once I saw those lights come on. Did you zip it up and everything? Were you able to put it back in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that might make it worse, so I was like, I gotta put this away quick. Yeah. Right, right.

Still thought I'd get out. It's always awkward when they make you stand on one leg with your dick out still. Hard, lube dripping off it. How about her? Was she drunk? Yeah. So you just had to leave the car there that night

or whatever? No one could drive it home? She offered to drive home and I was like, no, you're not. They dropped her off at a gas station. They gave her a ride to a gas station. I was like, alright, you find your way home. To protect and serve. I love it, dude.

Well, you hand job, whatever job, you did the job tonight to get us started, Dan Marganski, and I appreciate the hell out of that. Be safe going back to your seat. Here he goes, Dan Marganski, everyone, and it has begun. Oh, you know what? A name actually fell out of the bucket earlier when I was picking the first name. One fell out.

And I believe we recognize this name from an episode, maybe St. Louis. I think we've met this guy before. Put your hands together for him. His name's Jimmy Stealth, everyone. And he's entering over there. Right in the middle. Here he comes. Oh, yeah, we know this guy. There he is. It's entering over there. Right in the middle.

Here he comes. Oh, yeah, we know this guy. It's Jimmy Stowe. This way, Jimmy. Over there. All the way, buddy. This is a big place. You got to move your fucking ass, buddy. Saturday, July.

People laughing as they're singing sad songs. Chicago, everybody. Here's Jimmy Stealth, everyone. Thank you. I don't think you can call yourself pro-choice

if you don't support suicide. Don't tell me what to do with my body. No, don't get me wrong. I'm not against abortion. On the contrary, back in my day, I used to lay babies out like Game of Thrones style, motherfucker. I paid for so many abortions,

I was like fucking Khaleesi on that fucking dragon, just burning kids all through town I've paid to kill other dudes' kids That weren't even mine Straight up I've killed so many kids I have a Planned Parenthood fucking rewards credit card

every time I fucking pay to have a bolt stuck through a baby's fucking head I get points on that shit okay okay Jimmy Stout I'm gonna stop you right there while you're ahead have a bolt stuck through a baby's fucking head i get points on that shit okay okay jimmy stealth i'm gonna stop you right there while you're ahead i'm gonna stop you while you're still killing i'm gonna come in like a referee and just wave you off for your own good on this how about another hand for jimmy stealth that genuinely genuinely made me laugh i mean you really owned it you

stayed in the pocket in the beginning. I'm like, here's an abortion joke, and then I'm like, oh, no, this is like the abortion joke. This is crazy. This guy's just owning it. You killed other fucking kids. I love it. Incredible choice of jokes since you look like a big abortion. Like, you look like

a full-grown, sucked-out baby, big dead baby. Has anyone ever told you that youout baby, big dead baby. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a big dead baby before? Nope. My first time. Thank you. Damn right.

How many ghost babies do you actually have? Do you keep any of them? Do any of them survive? I think two, maybe three. Wow. You don't even remember. My goodness. Look at you.

Just fucking keeping it in there. The cream pie king. Tell us more about you, Jimmy. I mean, you actually, is that what you're into? No, I just, you know, abortion's on the air right now, and I was like, well, people want to be pro-abortion, but how are you going to be against suicide? That's a choice, too.

I fucking like your style. You're pro-choice. Go hard. You had a set a lot like this, I remember. Was it St. Louis? Yeah, it was suicide. Yeah, I remember that. Because I never forget a guy that looks like a full-grown munchkin from the

land of Oz. I put that on my phone too. I have a picture of the three guys. Picture of what? The three guys from the Wizard of Oz. Really? Because I brought that up in St. Louis? Just say family portrait. Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Fuck yeah, Jimmy. Remind us of what you do for work again. I work in a kitchen, too. You work in a kitchen, too? What the hell? It's there for the kitchens. Yeah? What the hell do you do in the kitchen?

I'm an assistant manager. Assistant manager. I thought you cleaned the fryers with your face. I don't even know what that means. My God. Joe Burr. All right, Jimmy, over here. So, wow, did you ever go into a long-term relationship with any of these women that you impregnated?

No. What's the longest relationship you've ever had i'm married i want to see if it's higher or less than uh this lonely woman over here that went uh went i've been married for 24 years now i'm still married really wow my goodness is your sperm even good anymore like have you i hope not but probably oh shit what is. What does your wife do? She works for my dad. My dad's here tonight. I brought you a present if you want to bring my dad up here.

That's a whole other level. Explain to me why I would want to bring your dad up here. Trust me, if you brought him up. No, I need a fucking, I just asked you a fucking question, Jimmy. He is crazy. He is crazy. That's not enough. Okay, I can't explain it. How old is he?

74 or something like that. Hold on. Turn house lights on for a second. Let me see this motherfucker. Dad, stand up. There he is. Get up here. I gotta see this fucking guy. Come on. Wow. Oh my God. Let's... Wow. Look at this fucking shit. He walks faster

than you do. The guy's 75 years old. Look at this fucking steady pace. Holy shit. This is fucking exciting. We have two generations of the Lollipop Guild here tonight. This is incredible.

They have every type of union here in Chicago, including the motherfucking Lollipop Guild. My God, look at this. Holy shit. Jimmy, what's your dad's name? His name's Jimmy, too. Jimmy Senior.

Fuck yeah. Look at this badass motherfucker. Holy shit, you look like you're going to single-handedly make America great again. See, that's part of what, one reason he wanted to get me up here, because what I do for a living, you would not believe. I fucking love you.

When all of you people think you have a drudgery work, and you don't want to go to work in the morning, and you have the worst job in the whole world, I own a septic company. world. I own a septic company. I literally suck shit. Man, I thought his name was Jimmy Junior. And my trucks are just outrageous. They're always on the internet. You've probably seen them. Has the American flags on the side of them. Says, hauling political promises. And I've got the donkey and the elephant both up there.

Wow. You're a badass motherfucker, man. Look at you. No, no. People remember me. Yeah. And they remember those trucks. And then the phone rings.

Uh-huh. You're crazy. I want to see you. I like your style. Tell us something embarrassing about Jimmy that he wouldn't want you to tell all these people. You've already mentioned it. Huh? He's short.

The best part of him running down his mama's leg. Wow. Look at that. You just got fucking lit up by your father in front of the world. That's incredible. He's shorter than me. Have you ever had one of these tanks leak on you or blow up in your face? Have you ever had something like that?

It was not a pretty sight. Yeah? What happened? Well, then you immediately try to wash it all off, wipe it off. What is worse, though, is when you have a cracked lid and you're going down. I mean, man, that is some way you do not want to die. Man, I do not understand all this septic terminology that's happening. The old cracked lid, you know what I mean?

When you fall into the septic tank, pretty much. Oh, yeah, that's terrible. Now, Jimmy Sr., Jimmy Jr. told us that you were crazy. Do you think that's true? Absolutely. Can you give us some more wild information about your life or a fun fact about you? What have you been doing these past 74 years? Well, I'm an electrical engineer by trade.

And I've been all over. I used to come to here to Chicago every three years, set up the show for the Interplast Convention for a company I work for. The next year, Zussendorf, Germany, Birmingham, England. I've been all over the world, literally. How many times did you vote for Donald Trump in this last election? I only voted four times for him. I've got an absentee ballot.

Where do you live now? The right north of Houston, Texas. Wow, look at you. You hate gays and blacks. That is incredible. That is incredible. That is incredible. You look like your arch nemesis is Lori Lightfoot.

So stupid. I love it, man. Heck yeah. And so you still married? You single now? No, I'm still married. Okay, hell yeah. How long you been with that septic tank for?

You know what I'm saying? I'm so glad he laughed at that one. I said it, by the way. That could have gone. What did you say about my wife? Could have been literally kill Tony here live. James has been married two years longer than me. Really?

Oh, yeah. I've been married so many times it's unreal. Wow. Hell, yeah. Just like a septic tank. Some of them just blow up in your face. You know what I'm saying? You get one with a cracked lid, next thing you know, whole shit's everywhere.

Try to wash it off, but it just ain't going nowhere. Just like his job, all of his marriages went to shit. My goodness. Do you have any, you're wise, you're old school, one could say. Do you have any tricks in the bedroom that you could teach us that you could explain to us? Like some type of finishing move or something like that? Do not force your way into anything. If you

want to get there, you got to start slow and work your way in. Fellas, I've been looking for this goddamn answer

for six years on this show. Somebody was finally truthful, wasn't they? Let me ask you a question, because I know you're speaking the truth right now. So give me an example. Like, let's say you plan on having sex with a girl. Like, how long will you spend going other places and doing other things

before just throwing your dick in there like like these modern kids it depends on the lady that you're with and if that lady is is you know that you you can tell by when you're with them and you know right then it might be when i had a bar you know they might wake up downstairs in the basement hell yeah getting the old bill cosby you know what i'm saying you just hide them in the basement. Hell yeah. Give them the old Bill Cosby treatment. You know what I'm saying? You just hide them in the septic tank.

They won't find them there. They would wake up in the morning. It was a basement. It was a bedroom downstairs. It was an old bowling alley. Where in the hell am I at? There's no windows down there. You're in the bottom of the dusty saddle.

Imagine waking up in the basement of a septic tank place. My life is literally in the shitter. I'm going to go back to my original question just for a second and ask it this way. What do you think in all your years? 74 years have taken your time.

72. You believe in getting them warmed up, making them want it in the bedroom, right? So what would you guess? If you had to guess the longest amount of time you've spent on foreplay before just throwing your dick on in there, what would you guess would be that length of time?

Three weeks. Jimmy Stealth, you were right. Your dad's fucking crazy, and I should bring him up here. It was so fucking nice to meet you were right. Your dad's fucking crazy, and I should bring him up here. It was so fucking nice to meet you, man. Thank you so much for coming up here. How about a hand for Jimmy Stealth 1 and Jimmy Stealth 2? Yeah.

I've seen a lot of your shows, and James has introduced me to him, and everything's going on with Jimmy, and it's really been wonderful. I really enjoy it. Thank you. Thank you so much for saying that. There he is, Jimmy Stealth Sr. Thank you, Chicago. And how about one more time, good and loud,

for the guy that made it possible, Jimmy Stealth Jr. That was awesome. Fucking great, man. Look at that. That was awesome. A little bit of fucking family time up here on Kill Tony. Only in Chicago, baby. They look so related.

Awesome. Italian songs. This looks like a fake name, but I'll see if someone walks up here anyway. Make some noise for Benjamin Button, everyone. Benjamin Button. Got that light? Is anybody moving? Oh, that's him. That's his name. Wow, that's crazy Button. Got that light? Is anybody moving? Oh, that's him.

That's his name. Wow, that's crazy. What do you mean? That's him? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy. I'm telling you. This fucking bucket is ungoddamn believable. There's like a hundred fucking

names, and I just pulled what his dad signed up as. You got to be fucking kidding me. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for Clayton Baker, everybody. Come on. Here we go. Law one.

I fought the law and the law won. Come on, Clayton. You got to move it a little bit, buddy. You're going that way. I fought the law and the law won. I fought the law and the law won. I fought the law and the law won. Da, da, da. Ba, na, na, na.

Come on, one more time for the band. How about them tonight? All new songs. Here's Clayton Baker. Chicago! I just drove up from Winnipeg. That's Canada For those of you that don't know

You guys have great deals on weed down here I got an ounce and a gun For 300 bucks I don't know how that happened Easier to find a gun than it is to find a fucking parking spot I like listening to AM radio Back at home because on AM You have some great characters

Some different music But in America all you have on AM radio you have some great characters, some different music, but in America, all you have on AM radio is different Christian sermons. So you have your like folk country pastor. He says, Paul walked to Greece, broke bread with the Damascuses to spread the word of Jesus Christ. You have your top 40 pot preacher who says, Jesus loves all, no matter race, color, creed, or sin, but my very favorite is the heavy metal pastor. The heavy metal pastor, you turn to 1050, the cleanse AM. And it's just a guy yelling Judas Priest lyrics. God is screaming, screaming for vengeance. Hell hath have no mercy on the weak. And God is screaming.

Screaming for vengeance. For this world is diabolical and bleak. Okay. Wow. There you go. Clayton Baker. Letting out a little bit of energy there. It's incredible. I've never seen somebody so unfunny wearing a Sebastian

Maniscalco shirt before. That is mind-blowing. Yeah, we got a 5150 in progress. Again, Sebastian in that shirt, he would just murder, right? And then there's you up here talking about fucking AM radio. Who's listening? This is a podcast

and you're doing AM radio jokes. Am I right, people? That fucking AM radio. Who's listening? This is a podcast, and you're doing AM radio jokes. Am I right, people? That fucking AM radio is crazy. It's like going on AM radio and talking about podcasts. People don't know what the fuck you're talking about, dude. AM radio is pretty badass. You get pretty stoned and listen to some AM radio. That's good times.

When do you do that? Do they even have AM radio in your Tesla? Not in my car. You have to turn a they even have AM radio in your Tesla? Not in my car. They don't have it. Do you have to turn a gear to play AM radio? Brian thinks AM is ass to mouth. Wow. So you were on the show a couple days ago,

and you were going fishing and camping. Yeah, we did all that. We saw the Wisconsin Dells. We drove into Chicago. It's the largest city we've ever seen. So skyscrapers as tall as you can, pinball machines for ages. Are you telling these people what Chicago looks like? What the fuck is happening right here?

Wow, Chicago. You've never seen anything like it. Skyscrapers as tall as you can imagine. AM radio. Pinball machines lying in the streets. AM radio with great Christian program you fucking Canadian

these fucking Canadians come down to Chicago that's what's funny about Chicago Chicago is basically Canadian Bahamas it's like let's go somewhere warmer with better and taller skyscrapers and dreams and hopes I've never been in a city so big in my life.

Did you catch any fish? Caught nothing. Devil's Lake is a hole. Nothing in there. Enough about your wife's pussy. I mean, how long did it take you to do all the coke? We haven't found any yet. We're going to Grateful Dead tomorrow.

Grateful Dead at Wrigley or what's left of them in John Mayer. We'll see you in the parking lot. Fuck, yeah. Fuck the socks. I don't know. You're from Winnipeg, huh? What the? Over here.

Over here, Clayton. We have a riot in progress at Dahlia Hall. Over here. So you live in Winnipeg, right? Correct. Remind me of what you do for a living. Radio technician, audio. Ah.

FM radio. Wow. Yeah, I want to see it. Look at you endorsing the arch rival over here in your second life. FM radio. You're from Winnipeg, and by the looks of your shoes, you clearly walked here all the way from Winnipeg. We got in the sand.

I went down to the beach trying to look for some beach class in Oshkosh, Kenosha. Didn't work very well. Couldn't find any shoes. I ended up playing pinball for the two hours I was going to do some shoe shopping. You fucking love pinball, dude. That is incredible. What's the place called? Logan Hardware.

Alright, there you go. There's four nerds scattered around here. Wow. So how much longer is your little vacation to a place like you've never seen before? We're with you to Minneapolis. So we're going back to Madison and then up to Minneapolis and then home. So tomorrow is a day off.

Wow, so you're coming up. Have you been to every Kill Tony? Six shows. Des Moines was our first. I think that's the longest on the tour so far. There's some other people I've talked to that have done three,

four, maybe five. I went to Olive Garden today. You guys didn't show up. Ah. Yeah. We did want to go to Olive Garden, but...

We actually kind of forgot. We didn't end up making it. I think Nick's here. But I will say that I had one of the best dinners of my life tonight. We all did at a great place

called Tavern on Rush. Really amazing. Really at a great place called Tavern on Rush. Really amazing. Really just a great place. Was there a lot of people there at the Olive Garden? Because we had said last night that we were going to go to the Olive Garden. I was the only one at noon. Nick and I hung out. We had a selfie. Nick, if you're here, shout out. Thanks for the mints.

There you go. Clayton is there. That's all he hooked you up with was mints? God. Jesus. He must really like you. He made you even pay per breadstick at the Olive Garden. So, Clayton, is there anything that we don't know about you that we didn't find out because you were on in... Des Moines, Iowa. Do a lot of drugs. That's the only other thing we haven't touched yet.

Yeah, how much do you love drugs? Tell me about your drug use. Your shirt looks like it's on fear and loathing right now level. I love drugs so much that I was on the freeway today, and I thought, man, I miss heroin. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be held against you in the court of law, mister. Yeah, you do heroin?

I like it. I stopped doing it after I OD'd a few months ago. It was a very light OD. We didn't call the cops. A light OD. A light OD. Oh, a light OD. It was a sunny D. Perfect. Heroin zero.

OD. ODB. How long have you been doing heroin for? Not very long. I did it for about a three or four month stretch. Needles or snort? Snort. Did you go from painkillers to heroin?

I did painkillers way back when they had oxys that you could crush up and snort, but I hadn't really touched opiates since then. And then I just came across some heroin fentanyl type stuff. It was great. You know that stuff doesn't end well ever. Yeah. That's why I switched to speed. stuff doesn't end well ever. Yeah. That's why I switched to speed. Yeah.

That doesn't end well either. That is my favorite Keanu Reeves movie. Is that true? Do you do speed sometimes? Yes, it is true. It's a great film. Yeah, I do way too much speed. Waking up early in the morning on radio.

Did you do some today today? No, I have some gas station pills. They're almost like dick pills, but they're just like weird, like rhino-type pills where it's like, what's in this? Caffeine and B12, and you take it, and it's like, it makes you boring. Yeah, it is incredible. You are probably my least favorite artist

that I've ever seen on heroin before. All right, Clayton, Well, you like drugs. One could say what? You had a better set in Des Moines, you feel? I liked Des Moines. Des Moines was a really cool city. But you're on like gas station pills. So did tonight feel better?

We're in Thalia Hall. There you go. He's really, really connecting with this audience. How about a hand for Clayton Baker, everybody? There he goes. Let's keep it moving along. He got up the other day. Put the mic stand where you found it, Clayton.

Be a goddamn professional. What do you think, you're in fucking Winnipeg? Just leave shit wherever you want? It's goddamn America, boy. Gotta do your fucking side work. This goddamn fucking Canadian tourist. He's taking gas station speed. Oh, Chicago.

I bet they have the best... I bet... I bet they got the best gas station pills. Oh, boy, dear. Skyscraper's as tall as you can imagine. You watch your tone, son. I've never seen quite as many cars on a freeway

as I'm seeing today. This name looks good. I love one-word names. I like this name. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Kooky. K-O-O-K-I-E. It's all happening here.

So far, I'd say this is my favorite episode this week. I'm having fun. Feels good. That's the Rough Riders roll. Stop. Drop. Shut down, open up shop. That's the Rough Riders roll. Stop. Drop. Shop. Shop.

Open up. Shop. Oh. Oh. That's the Rough Riders roll. One more time for Kooky, everybody. Chicago! Chicago!

Do any of you have religious mothers? Well, luckily for me, my wife and I, our mothers are for Jesus. The best part about it is we're both Orthodox. So unless you're familiar about it, you better bring your fucking lunch, because that service is three hours long. That's probably the first reason why they invented wine and crackers. You got to bring a snack. If you're not prepared, you're going to fall asleep. So my wife and I are not religious at all, but to appease our mothers, we go to church

twice a year for Christmas and Easter. Last Easter, I suggested we take some gummies. Per usual, she one-upped me. She said, let's take two. So about halfway into the service, Jesus starts talking to me. As the

priest is doing his sermons, Jesus starts talking to me. As the priest is doing his sermons, Jesus starts calling bullshit. The fuck is going on over here? Kooky. You're kooky. You're the fucking guy. Yeah, that was my nickname in college. I figured you love one-word names.

Might as well go with it. Jeez, you seem like the kind of guy that would go by a fucking three-word name, you serial killer-looking motherfucker. I mean, holy shit, dude. You look like you got fucking skeletons in your closet and like you are one of them. Yeah. Don't tell anybody. How long have you been doing direct IVs of whole milk into your blood?

Yeah. Just started. Also, were you looking at your damn phone in a sold-out theater? For one minute? For 60 seconds? There's a homicide in progress, and it might be a dirty cop. Don't blow my cover. I'm undercover. You would think you'd be a better performer

for somebody that looks so much like AIDS-y Neil Patrick Harris. Look at you. You are a frightening specimen. Do you know you're a scary-looking dude? Do you know that you have villain face? You're Chicago's very own William H. Macy with leukemia. This is exciting. It's fucking greasy doogie

Hauser. William H. Gacy. It's fucking grade school Macaulay Culkin over here. If his parents actually wanted to leave him home alone. You look like Jimmy Stealth should have aborted you.

You look like you belong in Jimmy Stealth's dad's septic tank. All right. Kooky, let's talk about it. That was your first time ever doing stand-up comedy, correct? Yeah, that's correct. Very good. How old are you? I'm 28.

28. I didn't understand a single word that you fucking set up here, so let's just pretend like that never happened. What do you do for work? I'm an architect. An architect. Heck yeah. There you go. Architect humor.

Surprise you didn't design better jokes. Yeah. I'm better on paper. Yeah. Have you designed on paper. Yeah. Have you designed anything that these people here in Chicago might recognize? Yeah. I actually worked on the Wrigley Field renovations, United Center renovations, and a few other projects in the area. Wow.

Jeez. Hello. Name dropper, Wrigley fucking Field. My goodness. Go Cubs. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. It's also where he buried the bodies. Oh my goodness. Go Cubs! Wow. Look at that. Now,

it's also where he buried the bodies. Wow. Kooky. Why the name Kooky? Why are you called Kooky? So my last name is Kukar, and then in college when I was hammered, I got a Cookie Monster tattoo.

Look at you. Hey, can I see that real quick? Oh, my Lord. Oh, my God. Wow. That gets girls wet. Yeah. I'm there.

Yeah. Yo, girl, I'm from the streets. The Sesame Street. What the fuck? My God. Look at you. Look at you. You fucking creep uh tell us more about you what do you do what do you do for fun architect just leaves me i just picture you even scarier than you even look

like now like i picture your like big lofty high ceiling apartment with just like very simple like the drawings that you're working on and fucking a room that no one's allowed to go into. You know what I mean? So tell us more about you, Kooky. He's laughing really hard at that. Do you have a room that no one's allowed to go into? I do have an office. Ah, that's what you call it.

That's what you call it. That's what you call it. The office with a key shaped like the thing with the two teeth that come down at the bottom. A skeleton key. Yes. Very good. Yes. Anyway. I like that description of a key, though.

You know, a long thing with, like, the two teeth on the bottom of them? By the way... You know, like, they use them in a lot of horror movies and stuff like that. You jiggle the handles, usually on one of those long ring kind of things. It worked on the two teeth part. Got a big laugh, and then we started moving on.

Sakuki, tell me more about you. What do you do for fun? Sometimes an old woman wears it with a lantern in the middle of a fog. She gives it to somebody in a wooden box. What's it called? Toothkey? Is that what it's called? Toothkey?

Two teeth at the end of the key. Two teeth at the end of the key. Yeah. Two teeth. One, two teeth. Two because of two Yeah. Two teeth. One, two teeth. Two because of two teeth because of teeth. So, Kooky, tell me what the fuck you do for fun.

You pull out the side of a brick that's in the well. You pull it out. There's a letter inside the brick. It's of the dead woman who's been living at the bottom of the well, and her will is the key. Okay's of the dead woman who's been living at the bottom of the well, and her will is the key. Okay, okay, Lieutenant. Very good. How about you give a big hand for the Lieutenant, everybody, so we can move on here. Did you shave your mustache at some point during the show?

stash at some point during the show? Yeah, my lead officer said that it didn't comply with dress code, but allowed me to keep my shorts. So, Kooky, what do you do for fun when you're not architecting? Come on, tell us the truth. Just the good stuff. Your hobbies and whatnot. Get to it.

Start fucking talking. Architecting. I like snowboarding. I just got my motorcycle license, so I'm shopping for a bike. Wow, a motorcycle license. Did you say a bike? There you go. He lost his bicycle. He's talking about a motorcycle.

Are you talking about like Vespa or? You seem more like a sidecar kind of guy. What kind of motorcycle did you get? A Yamaha I haven't got one yet, I'm still in the market Wow, what are you looking for? What is it going to take to be your type of motorcycle? I'm looking at a Suzuki SV650

A naked sport bike Is it made of human bones? It is a naked bike Hell yeah What else? I mean, I asked you what you do for fun You're like, one day I'm going to buy a motorcycle. So what do you do for fun now? Snowboard.

Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty... I'm snowboard just talking to you right now. Can you tell me anything interesting about you, about something you've done? Maybe you almost died once, or you saved somebody, you gave them heart surgery with a pen or something like that. Go ahead. Heart surgery. Go ahead.

Go ahead. There must have been something that's happened in your fucking life. Your mom used to beat you when you were a kid. Am I correct? She has hit you before. I am Ukrainian, so I used to get beat a lot. Say that again. I am Ukrainian, so I used to get beat a lot as a kid. So the answer is yes. Correct. And your mom used to beat you a lot.

My dad, usually. But your mom has hit you to beat you a lot. My dad, usually. But your mom has hit you. With a slipper. Do you think you have a... With a slipper. I've taken a couple whacks with a slipper before. It's never fun. They take them off. Get over here.

She's a sniper. You're damn right. So are you 100% Ukrainian? Correct. Did they ever just stop feeding you just to keep you strong? Just to keep the Ukrainian in your bloodline all the way? Like, this month you will have no food, little kooky.

No cookies for you, kooky. You're going to be like your father and your father's father and your father's father. Ukrainian, we go months without eating sometimes because we're in between more powerful countries that want to dominate us. Ukraine's just a weak country.

They're basically the Milwaukee of countries. Did you know that? Fuck Laverne and Shirley. What do your parents do? They're in construction. Hell yeah. I think they would have built a more interesting kid. What do your parents do? They're in construction. Yep. Hell yeah. Well. I think they would have built a more interesting kid.

Kooky. Joburg. I love it. Even the comedians are chanting it. Kooky, it was a pleasure to have you up here. Thanks for signing up. We got through it. Congratulations.

This is the first time ever on a stage before. Thank you, guys. I'm a huge fan. There he goes. Come on. Make some noise for Kooky, everybody. Come on. People are up here living their goddamn dreams.

Kooky. Right as well. Stop. Did you have a nickname when you were in high school? I was Poof. Everyone called me Poof. I was Squints for a very long time. Yeah, because I looked just like Squints from the Sandlot when I was poof. I was squints for a very long time. Because I looked just like squints from the sandlot

when I was growing up. Not at all anymore. Wow. All the little kids in second grade called me horse cock stroganoff. Really? Yeah. Because anytime I went to the urinal, they would look down and be like,

oh, there's big old horse cock stroganoff again. Oh, man. Dip into the little kitty water in the urinal. You know what I'm talking about. I actually know this young man. I know him quite well. I met him after a show one time I was doing here at Lovely Zany's Comedy Club. And while I was having fun, riffing with the crowd in between material a little bit, I noticed this young man sitting

in the very front row. Out of nowhere, I noticed him. And he seemed so young. And he was clearly with his dad. And he had, I'm pretty sure he had lied to the club in order to sneak in that night and get to see me and I met him afterwards and he talked about how he was so interested in doing stand-up, always wanted to do it. This was like five years ago. So I'm so excited that I pulled his name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Tommy Wimbiscus, everyone. This is very cool. Here he is.

This was years ago I met this kid. This is a Tony Hinchcliffe-inspired comedian, so I think this is going to be good. What do you guys think? Let's see what happens here. I've had Tommy open for me once at the Zanies. Come on, one more time, good and laugh for Tommy Wimbiscas. I was driving the other day.

I saw a sign for a book fair. You guys remember how lit book fairs would get? Bro, people would be wilding like it was an informal holiday. Bro, kids showing up dressed real fancy, hair gelled, you know? And you know, an hour earlier, kids were at school and they hated reading. But now all of a sudden you're at the book fair, it's the only thing that matters. It's the shit. Bro, even the kids that can't read are going crazy.

They're getting stuff like gel pens and colored pencils. What are they going to do with that? Nothing. But fuck it, dude. It's the goddamn book fair. That's right. Rules go out the window at the book fair, man. It's like the Wild West. One second you're looking at a magic school bus book. Next second, turn, look over your shoulder, see your best friend is fucking your bitch. There you go. That's the right move. You're good. There he is, Tommy Wimbiscus. You did it, buddy.

You did it. It always scares me when people look like they want to say one more thing. And then fucking... Everyone's just like, boo! You got to get out on that big laugh. You did it. Tommy motherfucking Wimbiscous. How old were you when I met you?

How long ago was that? How old are you now? I'm 18 now. 18 now. How old were you when you snuck into that fucking Tony Hinchcliffe show with your dad? Is your dad here tonight? No, he said you were going to ask about him. He's always joking.

He's right. He knows I'm a good fucking guy. Your dad fucking gets me. Parents love me. I'm serious. Parents love Kill Tony. If you ever want to do something, look what happened with Jimmy Steltz. But fun fact, you don't think they would like

it. You think you have a fucking good Christian parent, but parents fucking love Kill Tony. Okay. So, how old were you when I met you? 15 or 16. Wow. Junior year of high school. That is frightening. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Approaching two years. Only two years. Okay, two years at 18 years old. That's fucking Eddie Murphy shit right there. Are you aware of that? That's Dave Chappelle shit. That's when those guys started. Highly considered two of the three best stand-up comedians of all time.

You've been doing it two years and you already look like a healthy Neil Bren brennan yeah which is very hard to pull off we've always wondered what a healthy neil brennan would look like uh have you been getting up a lot uh during the school year it's tough because i live in the suburbs so with the homework yeah what suburb do you live in uh northbrook northbrook. Northbrook? What's Northbrook known for? A bunch of rich people up there? Yeah.

Yeah? Is it? But. Yeah? Wow, someone just said, fuck Chicago. I mean, just the whole city. I didn't claim that, man. Yeah, he knows it's not Chicago.

He's not trying to claim Chicago. Guy doesn't have fucking Cookie Monster tattooed on his chest, all right? He's acting like it's a movie. He's not trying to claim Chicago, dude. All right? Just because you're from the fucking south side. Let this kid fucking relax, all right? All right. I've gotten up four times this week.

Oh. I have no idea what's going on right now. Officer. Lieutenant. Lieutenant. Lieutenant. Lieutenant.

Oh, my God. Hello. Live show. What was that? It was a Family Matters theme song. Oh, there you go. Very good. What were you saying?

He's talking about suburbs of Chicago. I love it. Everything's okay. No one thinks you're claiming Chicago by saying that. I'm sorry that one of the fucking alderman, fucking Lori Lightfoot over here, trying to fucking mark your territory. What were you saying?

I was saying now that it's summer, I just graduated. I have a lot more time for mics. This is my fourth time this week so far. Hell yeah. That's awesome, man. Heck yeah. You're 18 years old. What does an 18-year-old do for fun when you're not doing comedy and you're not doing fucking homework

and shit? What are we talking about? What do you like to do? You ever go down to fucking Viagra Triangle and jerk off? You ever pick up a dirty hooker? I play basketball with my friends. Oh, hell yeah. You run the Viagra triangle offense while you're doing that?

How does it feel to always be picked last? No, you're doing all right. You look like a fucking point guard, right? You bring the ball down, pass it to one of the big black kids. Pretty versatile. Hey, Tyrone, here you go. His name on the... Good job.

Yo, yo, yo, Wimbiscus, throw me the ball. His real last name is Wimbiscus. It seems like you were written in a comedy writer's room. What's the name of him? I don't know, fucking Tommy Wimbiscous. It seems like you were written in a comedy writer's room. Let's name him, I don't know, fucking Tommy Wimbiscous? His basketball nickname is Over Here. Give me the rock. I'm pretty good. You're pretty good?

Hell yeah. Does anybody have a basketball here? Do we have a basketball here? I want to see this guy dribble. I want to see your fucking skills. So they do still have book fairs in school? Because those used to kick ass back in the day, book fairs. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And now they just

sell everything. They don't even sell books anymore. They sell pencils. Tim, Brad, you guys don't have a basketball, do you? Why would they have a basketball here? If you just hold them, we could hear them, Brad, you guys don't have a basketball, do you? Why would they have a basketball here? I mean, if you were, if you would, if you just, if you just hold them, we could hear them. Brad, Tim... They said no. I already asked if they had a bike here. They do

not. Okay. Did you really hear them say no, Lieutenant, or were you just saying that? No, but I'm not trying to derail the show. Come on. Very good, very good. Because they might have a basketball. It's worth taking a fucking shot. I want to see this kid dribble. I would not say... Me too. I would not say they don't have a basketball. It's worth taking a fucking shot. I want to see this kid dribble. I would not say they don't have a basketball.

Come on, look at this guy. I know. Fuck yeah. This guy looks like he was built in a laboratory in Streeterville. Tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. You seem like a pure, clean, good, well-behaved 18-year-old that has everything together. What's the craziest, what's the wildest thing about you,

Tommy Wimbiscus? You see how funny his last name is? It gets alive. It seems like it's a joke. What is the farthest you have gone with a woman? Yeah, good question. That's what you asked me at the show that first time. Oh, yeah, I asked you in front of your dad.

That's right, and you said five. What did I say? You just started laughing. Yeah, I know I started laughing, but then what did I say? I must have said some brilliant line. Yeah. Do you remember what it was? Whatever you said is probably what got me started.

I could go back. I'll listen to the recording. I have every set I've ever done saved on a database. We have archives like that at the police station actually as well. So what does that mean to you? What is the farthest? You've gone all the way with a girl, right? No.

Yeah? So what is... Why didn't you say that in the mic? Say that in the mic, son. No. Okay, thank you. So what is the farthest that you've gotten? There's some loosey-goosey women out here who just got their little clits hard.

Just be honest, Tommy. I've gotten head, that's it, though. You've gotten head, that's it? Did you finish? And by he got head is a woman caressed the back of his head one time. Did you finish in the girl's mouth? No. No?

You pulled out or did you not finish? I pulled out. You pulled out? Where'd you finish at? What, with your math notebook? He finished in Milwaukee. No, just in the towel. In the towel?

That's not romantic or sexy. Yeah. Dude, I'm all business. Oh, it keeps sucking. Oh, it keeps sucking. Oh a towel? That's not romantic or sexy. Yeah. Dude, I'm all business. Oh, it keeps sucking. Oh, it keeps sucking. Oh, it keeps sucking. Oh, I'm going to cum. Where's the towel?

I imagine him telling her before she started, like, all right, this is an awkward request, but can I place a towel on top of your head while you're going down there? And then I'm just going to quickly. Yeah. It was an Arab girl that sucked his dick. That's how the towel was so accessible. Hello.

Chicago likes it rough, huh? Fuck yeah, you do. No oozing. Not a single fucking groan here tonight. I like you guys. Have you gone down on a girl yet? No. How would you like to? I've got a sister.

She's 350. She's a large woman. Has not been with a man in 12 years. And she would wreck you. Her name is Cindy Stroganoff. She smells like fish and batter. She is not allowed within a school district in 3,000 yards.

At least you're 18 years old of age, so it will be legal. Is going down on a girl something you're looking forward to doing? Not particularly. No. Why is that? No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Chicago, hold on. Everybody relax. I got to ask you, why is it something that you don't, aren't particularly looking forward to? Just tell us the truth. Tommy, over here. Over here, Tommy. Tell me why it's something that... What are you

afraid of fucking... What are you afraid of stroganoff for? Look over here. Tell me why it's something that you're not particularly looking forward to. I need an explanation. Dude, it just doesn't seem that fucking enthralling to me. I'm not like actively interested.

I don't know if you know this, Tommy, but Chicago is famous for their pussy eating. Am I right, people? Tony. By the way, Jimmy Self's dad once ate a pussy for two and a half weeks. I'm not from Chicago, though. Yeah, it's because all of their pussy

is deep dish here in Chicago. Fuck yeah. You got to jump into a sweet slice of that ew, Malnati's. You know what I'm saying? Some of that fucking sweet, sweet, what's the other? Giordano's. Yeah. So why aren't you looking forward to it? You've heard stories or you just...

No, that's just what he asked a second ago, but I just... You have to answer it. You're getting smart. Answer it. We're looking for the answer. It doesn't actively... You're like, are you excited? Is there something that you are excited about doing?

Is there like... What's like your biggest looking forward to sexually thing? Is it doggy style with a girl? Just regular sex. Missionary position? You gotta go step by step. What is this, TGIF? Fucking ABC Friday nights?

Step by step. Day by day. Alright, I would like to perform a fully clothed Kama Sutra with this man right now. Hey, I like this. I will play the woman. You will play the man. And do with me whatever you would like.

Yep. Here we go. It's going to be Tommy's first time. That's what this segment's called. And it's starting right here. Yes, yes, yes. Here we go. Tommy, I want you to treat him like a real woman.

This is the one and only Lieutenant Stroganoff. Get in there, Tommy. Let me show you how this works. No, put that down. Put that down. Put that down. Give me this, you son of a bitch. Give me this. Stroganoff. Alright.

Okay, yeah, there you go. I'm getting him in position. So let's say this is a girl. Oh yeah. I want you so bad right now. I'll do it. Come get this. Okay, he says it seems kind of gay,

but let's see what Joel does with it. No, Stroganoff. Joel's let's see what Joel does with it. No stroganoff. Joel's going to show you how to do it. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. What is happening? Wow. Wow.

Chicago PD and LAPD coming together. Wait a second. What is this? He's got them like a tombstone pile driver, 69 style. Joel just started hysterically laughing. What kind of officer are you? Wow, Tommy. You're from Chicago. You're supposed to improv better than us. There's a rape in progress. I'm not from Chicago. We made this deal. What the fuck is our life?

Okay, so I have a question for you. Since you're not really looking forward to, you know, going down there on a lady's parts, could, let's say hypothetically, if there was it right in front of you, what would you do with your mouth down there since you've never... Yeah, just show us what you would do with your mouth. Just look out there and show us what you would do. How would you start? And don't make me get Jimmy Stelz Sr.

up here to teach you because I fucking will. My mouth is so dry. Face the audience. Face the audience, son. Face the audience. Look right out there. Face the audience. Give it a little bit more.

You got to keep going, Tommy. Eat the fucking pussy, dude. What are you doing? Yeah, get in there, bro. Eat the fucking pussy, dude. What are you doing? Yeah, get in there, bro. I am in there, bro. For the audio listeners, he stuck out his tongue a couple times and wiggled it. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Ever since we started talking about pussy, you started looking like actual Neil Brennan. Before, you were so jovial and jolly. My God. Is there a woman out there that'll let this 18-year-old boy eat her pussy right now? Oh, yeah. Look at this. What do you think? You want to go to the green room and eat this girl's pussy? Look at that fucking pog sitting

there. Holy shit. Oh, there's some in the back. There's some goth chicks in the back. Man, she looks like a meat lover if I've ever seen one. Hell, yeah. There's a lot of sluts here in Chicago. I like this. Well, Tommy, I bet your luck changes really soon once these Kill Tony

fangirls get a hold of you out there. They're going to fucking break you like a toothpick. How about one hand for him? 18 years old. You're going to see this guy probably for a very long time. And you saw him here tonight on Kill Tony.

Tommy motherfucking Wimbiscuits. You remember that name. Alright. Here we go. Pulled another name out. Make some noise for your next. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for Tom Santucci, everyone. Come on.

Make a G-A-N-G-S-T-A. G-A-N-G-S-T-A. G-A-N-G-S-T-A. Back from that ledge, my friend. I wish that you would step back from that ledge. Step back from that ledge, my friend. One more time for Tom Santucci, everyone. Be-be-be-be-beern. Hey, guys.

Yeah, I do a lot of comedy. I'm out all the nights. It's going to be a killer set. But yeah, Tom Santucci. Shout out to Chris Lake. So this is a quick impression of my dad at a concert. He's enjoying the music, and now he's going to try and find somebody who he knows. So can I get some music for this, or you guys do stuff? Thanks, guys.

That's it? You're saying thanks as in like that's it? Okie dokie. All right. How dare you bring the band into your bomb? Yeah. Tom, I don't know what the fuck happened. What was the first thing that you said,

that weird disclaimer at the top of the set? Well, I do a lot of, I was sarcastically saying I do a lot of comedy, but I really don't. You were being sarcastic right from the get on the first thing that you ever said to us so that we didn't know whether you were being sarcastic or not. Yeah, we had to judge it. That was the intent. I can't believe that you're not the most serial killer-looking guy

we've had on this stage tonight, because you are frightening. That was a dogshit set. This was your first time ever doing what you, I guess, considered stand-up comedy, right? This was my first time. I've you, I guess, considered stand-up comedy, right? This is my first time. I've always wondered what Will Forte would be like if he wasn't funny at all. Wow, he does.

It's incredible. Freaky looking dude. How old are you, Tom? 28. 28. You don't look a day over weatherman. What do you do for work? I work at a company that makes screws and bolts.

That makes what? Screws, fasteners, bolts. Screws, fasteners, and bolts. Well, you really fucking screwed up the show's momentum with... Yeah, he didn't even have the proper nuts and bolts for a stand-up set. Yeah, that was something else.

Tom, is stand-up something you've always wanted to do? No, it's something I've always respected, though. You guys are great. Huh? I don't even know what the fuck you're saying, dude. I said I've always respected

stand-up comedians. You guys are great. Uh-huh. Well, I wish we could say the same about you. So what made you sign up then? Well, I was told to sign up, so I did. So what made you sign up then? Well, I was told to sign up,

so I did. Who told you to sign up? My friend Dario. What's his name? Dario Romero. Take his ticket away. Get him out of here. Dario Romero. We have a Mexican man on foot. Suspect is 5'9".

I'll tell you what, Tom. There's a lot of people that signed up waiting for this chance and I'm just going to dismiss you and keep the show moving. How about that? There he goes. Tom Santucci, everyone. Let's keep it moving. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do that bad on this show? Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Danny Radovanovic. Danny Radovanovic. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here we go.

Chicago, how about one more hand for the band? Reagan and Watkins is at the top of the charts. Joel Jimenez is here. Here's Danny Reda Venuchdich. Hello, everybody. That was like a Price is Right for college dropouts. So I have this really weird problem where I look like I'm homeless,

but I fuck like I still live at my mom's house. Yeah, it's really weird. As a matter of fact, the last person that I had sex with was a 63-year-old lady. I'm not joking. It brought together two of my favorite things in life, beanbag chairs and tits. Sadly, it also brought back my childhood motion sickness. So every time I see a body of water, I can't help but throw up and cum at the exact same time. So Mother's Day dinner on the lake was a bad idea. I'm a former Yugoslavian.

Thank you. So all that means is that we are the only well-respected white people in the NBA. Thank you. Hell yeah. Danny Radovinovich. Am I saying that right Danny Radovanovich. Am I saying that right? Radovanovich is the white way to say it. And then if you want to be all fancy, you can say Radovanovich. Radovanovich.

Yeah. Very good. Yeah. All right. First time doing stand-up? No. Oh. But close.

But close. Pretty close. You're not far. you're not far. For those of you podcast listeners, Tony Hinchcliffe was doing the disappearing elevator act behind his table. Visual gag. Six years, you've got to pull out new tricks

every once in a while, you know what I mean? Why not debut them in Chicago? You know what I'm saying? So how long have you been doing it? Only, honestly, a month. But I've been going, as soon as I hit the ground running, I was like 11 or 12 in now at this point. Only a month, but I hit like 12 mics.

Oh, that's cool. What made you start this month? Anything happen in your life in which you're like, fuck it, I'm fucking doing it. It's May, but I'm going to start now. It was one of those weird New Year's resolutions that lasted five years. So I was like, fuck it, I got fucking doing it. It's May, but I'm going to start now. It was one of those weird New Year's resolutions that lasted five years. So I was like, fuck it. I got nothing else going with me in my life. Why not just try the thing I've been thinking about for the last three or four years?

When you say you have nothing going on in your life, did you have a breakup or something like that? No, no. That was about four or five years ago. Your big breakup? Yeah, a big breakup. How old are you? 28. 28. Yeah. And that big breakup,. How old are you? 28. 28.

Yeah. And that big breakup, did she cheat on you? No. No. No. How did it end? You cheated on her? No.

How did it end? The funny thing is, like I said, I'm from former Yugoslavia. I'm Serbian. Uh-huh. So she was Albanian and Bosnian. Ah. And that doesn't really mix well. Her parents hated me for being Serbian.

We have a terrorist threat in progress. Wow. Also, amongst other things, I'm sure it was about to end. You guys must have had crazy sex, huh? Yeah, it was wild. Did she ever Gaza strip for you?

She was very pro-Palestine, and I was pro- jizz on her face-a-stine. Wow. Look at that. Should have said jizz-real, you idiot. This guy's wordplay is off the charts. Damn.

So you said that you fuck like you still live with your mom. Yeah. Explain that to us, the audience, and every single person listening to the podcast what that means so uh i i get that i look like i'm homeless often and i thought like it'd be a funny just juxtaposition joke to say that i look like i'm homeless but i fuck like i still live at my mom's house and that was the only basis of that joke was to be like you look like you're homeless but you still live with your mom like what the fuck what does that mean you mean good or bad i don't

know i just i mean let me tell you one of those jokes that you tried at open mics a few times and but you still live with your mom? Like, what the fuck? What does that mean? You mean good or bad? I don't know. I just... Let me tell you something. It's one of those jokes that you tried at open mics a few times, and it worked, and I'm like, why the fuck does this work? And then...

I don't think the homeless thing works because you clearly get your hair cut from one of those, like, hip barbers that you've gone to for years, right? Like, you, like... You might... Oh, Terry the barber, all my friends and I go to him.

We get the one on the sides all the way to the fucking stupid mop top. Right? That fucking hacky haircut that everybody that thinks that they fuck like they live at their mom's house has. I've been getting my same haircut from the guy that has been cutting my hair since I was six. So what you're telling me is I beyond nailed it. You killed it, Tony. Since you were fucking six years old.

So that takes care of the homeless thing. Homeless people don't have a fucking one on the sides. You know what I mean? Before this, my hair was super long before this and I got a haircut and then I decided to grow the beard out for this. For Kill Tony. Yeah, just so I try to add more to the homelessness

but I looked way more homeless maybe about a month ago. So you grew that beard out to look homeless for this, uh, just Sony. Yeah. Just so, just so I try to add more to the homelessness, but I looked way more homeless maybe about a month ago. You grew that beard out to look homeless for that joke for this show. Oh, okay. Good. Thank God. I'm sorry. Danny,

what do you do for work? I, uh, I work at an elementary school, uh, that, runs a daycare inside of it. And I just started a new job that I'm hopefully going to start moving to,

uh, which is, uh, like setting up events. Like you work at a daycare? Yeah. With the kids? With little itty-bitty, hopeless, helpless children, yes.

Oh my God. Is that how you met the 65-year-old that you did? Fuck. No, no, I met her randomly at a family friend's house. Yeah? So how did that go down? Like what happened? She fell and she couldn't get up

and you helped her? Yeah, I saw the perfect access point. So give us an example. Tell us the truth without trying to punch it up or fucking make it funny. Just tell us. No, okay, so...

Step by step, as Tommy Wimbiscus would say. All right. Before I actually talked to her, I kissed four dudes before I talked to her. Wow. So. Heck, yeah, you are.

I kicked in the door. I'm not even joking. I kicked in the door of this family friend's house, and they're known as an outrageous family where we can just kind of say, do whatever the fuck we want. And I saw three friends that were dudes, and I just kissed in the mouth.

Like, uh. And then they have this gay family friend, and I kissed him in the mouth, and then she's like, well, what about me? And then I kissed her in the mouth, and then then they have this gay family friend and i kissed him on the mouth and then she's like well what about me and then i kissed her on the mouth and then she started doing like these like weird penny jokes weird what jokes penny jokes like the like a coin uh-huh so she was like like an old person joke that would like not make sense at a party she was like these pennies what are these two pennies do you see a fruit there are two pennies she's like uh no i don't see a fruit well this is a pear like. She's like, no, I don't see a fruit. Well, this is a pear.

Like, she would do shit like that. And then this fucking. I didn't write the fucking joke. She wrote the fucking joke. Yeah, but you fucked her. This 63-year-old lady. There was a lot of alcohol involved. Hypnotized you with pennies.

So then what happened? All right. So I had. Believe it or not, I did not think I was going to fuck a 63-year-old that night. I think you're leaving out a huge, huge description of this story, is that she was a gypsy. All right. Keep telling me. Whoa, whoa.

RG. Danny, for the love of God, beyond the pennies, what happened in this fucking story? Okay, no, that's literally, I was starting from the beginning, and then I got really drunk at their house. We made our way to a bar, and she just showed up, and then I got really drunk at their house. We made our way to a bar, and she just showed up. And then I got really drunk, and she started getting really into it and hitting on me,

which is dope, but why not? What did she look like? Terrible. Wow. Did you sleep with her? Did you wake up the next morning with her? No, no. We went to a Motel 6.

Wow. And I paid for the room. How many bad decisions in one night did you make? I mean, I don't know if any of you have ever had alcohol before, but it's one of those nights. Let's go to the type of motel where we could pay with these stupid pennies I've been hypnotizing you with. Did it feel different? To be honest with you, it wasn't the worst sex I've ever had in my life. Wow it feel different? To be honest with you, it wasn't the worst sex I've ever had in my life.

Wow. Really? No, it wasn't. Did her pussy still get wet? Yeah, it just took a little bit more time. Yeah, more time. There you go. A little Jimmy Stealth Senior reference right there.

It foreplayed four score and seven years ago. Yeah. Wow. Well, Danny, that's fucking interesting. 63-year-old lady. Yeah. Did anything else stand out to you?

When you came, where did you come? In the condom outside of her. In the condom outside of her? Wow. She can't get pregnant.

You could have fucking came five times in her. I know, but... Were you afraid of STDs? What do you think? She has some kind of fucking dinosaur STD or something?

You know what? You can never be too sure, so I just decided to go for the 100%. Look at you. You look like you already have everything. When you were done, should she give you a Werther's? Oh, yeah. All right.

Danny, that's some interesting stuff. Congratulations on starting stand-up comedy this month. Let's keep it going. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Vanovic. Vanovic. Yeah.

Let's get in here. Let's go to this bucket. You guys think we should find a female, huh? We haven't had a single lady up here tonight. Someone to speak for the ladies Let's see what we got here Oh wow, two more blank pieces of paper That's always fun

Kendall isn't a girl, right? Kendall Harris? Alright, put your hands together for your first female comedian of the night Kendall Harris, everybody everybody. Hi everybody. My face is going to get really red. We're going to move past it. I just turned 21 yesterday.

Woo! Let's celebrate that. But I am here tonight DDing, so love that for me. I don't really drink anymore. I went to college, so I kind of got it all out of my system. A good amount of alcohol abuse runs in my family, so I thought I'd just, you know, let it hang out a little bit. Just I'll take my time, ease into it.

I didn't really plan anything for this. My sister made me sign up. She's the drunk meat lover right there in the front row. The white girl with the dreadlocks. Yeah. Yeah. The white one with the dreadlocks. Yeah. Yeah. We don't talk about it in my family either. Yeah. She's a big fan of this show. I just listened to an episode for the first time a couple weeks ago, but here I am on the fucking stage. So, you know, what are you going to do about it? Thank God. Fuck yeah.

Kendall Harris. Look at you. I'm not sure which one of the Olsen twins you are, but I'm guessing the one that they tried to have aborted. And somehow you survived. You came out of the other end of the vacuum tube just fine and dandy. They threw some braces on you and patted you on the butt end of the vacuum tube just fine and dandy. They threw some braces on you and patted you on the butt and told you to go out there and get them.

The one that killed Heath Ledger. There you go. Booyaka. Hot topic today. Kendall, how old are you? I just turned 21 yesterday. You just turned 21 yesterday. Wow, look at that.

Thank you. You single? I know my boyfriend's right there, too. Oh, wow, look at that fucking creep. How old's he? Oh, okay, yeah, sorry. How old's he? He's also 21. Sure he is. Yeah, right. Looks like Jimmy Stealt's dad.

How long have you two been dating? Two years. Two years. Where'd you meet him? High school? No, we made out at a frat party. Wow. Made out at a frat party.

The first time you guys met, you almost went farther than Tommy Wimbiscus has his entire life. That's incredible. My goodness. Yeah. I just imagine what Tommy Wimbiscus would do to you if you were laid out in his race car bed my goodness Kendall you're 21 what do you do for work

I clean houses yep that's funny you don't look Mexican what do you do for fun what do I do for fun well What do I do for fun? Well, to be honest, I own every single Sims 4 expansion pack. Wow. Heck, yeah.

Jeez Louise. Do you ever watch the computer animated people have sex? No. I downloaded the mod once, but it was just scary. Just scary? Yeah. It's scary? Yeah. It's one of my hobbies. Yeah.

You ever been playing Sims for hours and hours and hours, and you're looking and you're playing the game, and you're like, man, this fantasy life is really crazy. I have this and this and this. Well, time to go clean other people's houses now. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Yeah.

My goodness. The dream is to not do that one day. Right. What would you want to do? What's the dream? What's your biggest goal? To be in politics, to be honest. Really? What type of, what do you want to do in politics? You want to be one of the aldermen of the wards here in

Chicago? Hey, I do love our aldermen. Local politics is where it's at. Yeah? Can you give us... You're the first person in the history of the show to say that you've wanted to get into politics. Can you give us an example of a couple of your stances or something like that? Perhaps tell these people what you would do for their city or

for whatever. Go ahead. Just make fucking beliefs. Stay in the pocket. Go ahead. I'm ridiculously pro-abortion. Not pro-choice, pro-abortion. Because... Heck yeah. I wish your parents were too me too to be honest I'm just kidding go ahead no that's okay I wish my parents were pro-abortion too

how do you go pro at abortion people kind of like we're amateurs they get like one or two in their life but how do you go pro at abortion? People kind of like we're amateurs. They get like one or two in their life, but how do you go pro? It's faster, more memory. Right, yeah. You have to work your way up as an amateur. Wow.

Pro abortion, what else? That's good. I think we're all pro abortion here, right? I can't imagine an anti-abortion Kill tony fan but who knows um well i really give a lot or care a lot about the planet but i don't really think it's gonna matter in like 20 years why why do you think it's not gonna matter in 20 years see we've gotten somewhere change is gonna kill us all before i can go into politics anyways do you really believe that yeah you really you really believe that do you only watch watch CNN? Like, what?

I don't understand how you even. That's a crazy theory. Yeah. That's scarier than anti-vax people to me. Like, that's just frightening. Oh, it's all going to be done in 20 years. Not going to chase my hopes and dreams at all. Like, it's like, there's not a scientist anywhere that says that the planet's gonna be gone in 20 years.

Are you aware of that? You're just making shit up already, which makes me believe that, which makes me believe you're gonna do great in politics one day. Man. Is there anything interesting about you that we need to know? Your sister's the one that put you in this position. Just remember that.

Yeah, my fucking sister. Anything interesting about me? Is there something embarrassing about your sister that you'd like to admit to all these people right now as redemption for her making you sign up here? Anything weird about her pussy or anything like that? Like she has three pussy lips or something like

that or seven or seven. She has dreadlocks and she's white. Isn't that enough i don't she has a what and she's white she has dreadlocks she has dreadlocks oh my god she's a dirty girl wow look at her we have a cultural appropriation and progress in the front row. That's incredible. Do you use... I can't believe that a girl with dreadlocks is in the

front row here and not at Grateful Dead at Wrigley Field right now. You ever used her hair to mop a floor in a house that you're cleaning? She cleans houses too. How much longer you got the braces on for Kendall? I actually just got them on a couple months ago, unfortunately.

Is your boyfriend shredded? I mean, his dick? Yeah, do the outsides of your teeth ever scrape up against his dick? I try my best. Oh, gosh. Huh? I try my best. Oh, wow.

Try your best. Yeah. All right. All right. All right, you little fucking 21-year-old innocent victim. I think we're just going to keep it moving along here. It was nice to meet you. There you go, Kendall Harris. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh?

Running out of time fast. Look at that William Montgomery-looking motherfucker back there. Jesus. There's that William Montgomery looking motherfucker back there. Jesus, there's some scary looking people out there. All right, Taylor Adams, here we go. Motherfucking Taylor Adams. Is there a Taylor Adams? Where's he at? Is he coming?

Yep. I wish that you would step back. I wish that you... I back I wish that you I wish From that ledge we're free Here he is, Taylor Adams, everybody. Hey, thanks. He's your final comedian of the night. Put your hands together for Taylor Adams.

Hell yeah. Yeah. So, happy Pride Month. I'm gay and have AIDS. Yeah, I do. I don't know why you're cheering for that, but okay. I was diagnosed with HIV January 2013, contracted esophagitis. Shortly after that, it goes on your medical record permanently as AIDS because our healthcare system sucks. And people always ask when they find out I have HIV, like, how did you get

it? Like, I'm a faggot. I sat on a big gnarly cock. It's not Blue's Clues. And then they want to know, like, well, do you know who gave it to you? Like, why? Do you want his number? Like, do you think this is fun for me? But I did find out. I was reminded by someone. I'm 99%

sure I'm not making this up. The guy who gave me HIV, his name, he lives in Austin, Texas. His name is Thor. Yeah. Thor gave me AIDS. I got the hammer. Out of all the Avengers who could give you AIDS, Thor's got to be the best one. He's the only one that makes any sense. The Hulk couldn't give you AIDS because you'd already be dead from his cock that's bigger than your whole body. If Captain America gave you AIDS, then you'd be black and it wouldn't be AIDS, it would be syphilis, and that's not a

joke, that's just a reference to when the United States government gave black people syphilis. Wow. And? Taylor, that's it. Thanks. Thanks. Taylor motherfucking, that's it. Thanks. Thanks. Taylor motherfucking Adams.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That set was so good, I'm going to donate some of my white blood cells to you. I'm doing okay. There's millions of other people who could use it. Right, yes. The white blood cells here in Chicago are good. It's the black blood cells that we uh that we're worried about

a lot of the white blood cells are uh i heard there's like some pretty good uh new medication now that that's uh really helping the hiv aids community and stuff like that yeah i'm really i'm perfectly healthy basically i'm undetectable is what the How long have you been doing stand-up? Um, like, thanks. Pockets, uh, like pockets between, for the past couple years. Well, putting your dick in pockets is how you got AIDS in the first place.

Yeah. Well, the other, well, never mind. But how long ago was it that you went from Dallas Buyers Club to the Comedy Club is what I'm asking. Um, like, uh, yeah, like, a couple it that you went from Dallas Buyers Club to the Comedy Club is what I'm asking um like uh yeah like a couple years ago I started doing stand-up those jokes started working out so that's awesome I fucking love it man and how long have you had HIV for uh since 2013 2013 that's incredible that is there was it just a normal checkup or something like that I mean I knew I'd been

I knew I was at risk. Because you had really done some risky shit. Yeah. Can you give us an example of what risky shit to you is? Like Austin Tech, what happened? What was up with Thor? No, I know that, but yes, I know that part. That's how gay sex works.

You might want to be careful. I don't know if you saw what those two police officers behind you did to each other earlier. I like your get-up, Big Lots Officer Dangle. How's it going? Stroganoff, Lieutenant Stroganoff. Hell yeah. Yeah, horse cock Stroganoff over there. That's right.

Look out. Oh, my God. Taylor is a twinkle in his eye right now. Taylor, I'm very interested in this because people have thought that I've had AIDS for years. So I have more questions for you. Yeah, this guy is like your spirit animal, Tony. Yeah, he really is. This is it.

Everything he's asked about the AIDS and he's like, and what exactly was the first symptom? Right. Exactly. On WebMD frantically. But were you doing riskier stuff than usual? Or was it just, I mean, my question is... Yeah, so, I mean, this is that kind of a show, so I'll just...

I mean, I've been clean from drugs and alcohol for like 75 days now. Most of the year. I've had a couple drinks, thanks a lot. But I was doing... I'm not gonna... I mean, I was doing Speed. Most of the year. I've had a couple drinks. Thanks a lot. But I was doing, I'm not gonna, I mean, I was doing Speed. Somebody said it earlier.

Yeah. Yeah. That's my favorite Keanu Reeves movie. You'll fucking die, so don't do that. Heck yeah. Never ends well. Yeah.

You were doing Speed. Poppers. Favorite Keanu Reeves movie. Yeah. Yeah, I've done Poppers. Riskiest thing you've ever done sexually like craziest did you ever do like a big gay orgy or something like that

there's been like a more than a couple people in the room wow do you have any tips for like anal and how to make it easier what the fuck maybe not hurt as bad

do you have any tips I think he has one tip easier. What the fuck? Maybe not hurt as bad. Do you have any tips? I think he has one tip and he'll probably show you. A big tip. Get all the broken glass out of there before you fuck it. I would just say, you know, breathe. Wow. Time.

That's good advice. My goodness. So what do you do for work? You born and raised here in Chicago? I'm from central Illinois, but whenever I go out of state, people are like, yeah. What are we talking about? I'm from Charleston. What are we talking about?

Skokie? What the fuck are we talking about here? I'm from Charleston, Illinois. The home, the original home. What the fuck are you excited about? You're from Neighborville. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's not.

All right. That's not. What do you do for work? I work at a restaurant. Yeah, what do you do at a restaurant other than not cough and sneeze near food? Did you come out of a time machine from like 1984? No, I fucking knew he was going to do that.

I knew he was going to fucking do that. You can't make those jokes to our other buddy. We have a buddy with HIV back in LA. He's the house pianist at the Comedy Store for 26 years. Jeff Scott. And one thing we've learned is people with HIV or AIDS get extra fucking. If you say, oh, you don't know, you can't get it that way. Everybody freaks out.

That's how I am. I'm just like, oh, the spit's coming at me. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I know. But you still don't sneeze and cough on the food anyway, right? So there you go.

Is it a fancy restaurant? It's pretty... Somebody asked me that and I was like, right? So there you go. Is it a fancy restaurant? It's pretty... I mean, somebody asked me that and I was like, yeah, it's pretty nice. It's not like McCormick and Schmicks, but it's alright. Right. Is it... Does it have a hepatitis A, B food rating or

what are we talking about? C? It's actually in a hospital, so we get a lot of sick people. It's what I a hospital, so we get a lot of sick people. It's what I associate with quality restaurants. Attached to hospitals. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. A lot of babies and old people coming in. A lot of food allergies. What do you like to do for fun? I've been glued to the E3 coverage, like the video game convention coverage. I don't have enough money or time to even play video games, but I'm still reading about them just as much. I just think the industry is really fascinating.

Right. Our friend Malcolm was on the panel today, Malcolm Hatchett. Oh, cool. He's the voice in the new video game from the guys that do Rick and Morty. Yep. I heard about that. The great Malcolm Hatchett,

former regular on this show. Wow. What else other than E3? What else do you do for fun? Any other fun hobbies? I'm in a theater company, like a brand new theater company in Chicago. Oh, that's cool.

Can you give us like a big theatrical line? Can you act something? What's the current play? What's the current work that you're working on now? We're called Connective Theater Company. When you say connected, you mean penis to butt? Those are some of my pitches. No, we're called Connective Theater Company.

We're doing a show starting in July called One Flea Spare. It's about plague refugees during the plague. What are you playing in that play? I'm not in that play. I didn't get cast in that play in my own theater company. But I'm going to be the assistant. Scary, the guy with HIV and they cut you out? I know. You don't want to cut them. I've been method

acting. What are you, in a time machine? They cut you out of the play. That's incredible. What have you been in past theater experiences? I was in a play. Philadelphia?

Jeez. Jesus Christ. I, all these, all these straight actors winning trophies for pretending to be gay men who died.

It's like. That's another weird thing that gay guys do is they get mad when straight guys play gay guys. You know what I mean? They could have hired a gay actor for that. What are they, in a time machine? That's another weird thing that gay guys do Is they get mad when straight guys play gay guys You know what I mean They could have hired a gay actor for that

What are they in a time machine That's not That wouldn't be acting Yeah exactly It's a crazy thing that's happening Where straight white males aren't allowed to work on anything anymore According to everybody Clearly

Couldn't we get Couldn't we get a disabled black man with one leg for this? There's a race riot here, I tell you all, race riot. Crazy time we live in. All right. Anything else we need to know about you, Taylor?

I don't know. All right. Charles, my hometown is the original birthplace of Jimmy John's. The answer was no. We have nothing else interesting about you to talk about. There he goes, Taylor Adams. Okay. Now, I made myself a promise before coming here tonight

that we weren't just going to fizzle out at the end, that I wanted to do something special, because like I said earlier, I'm just not a huge fan of the episode that we had last night in Milwaukee, just being honest with you here. And since this is our first ever Kill Tony in Chicago, I think we should do something fun

to close this show real quick, right? So I'm going to ask this, and I want, after I say it, I want someone in the audience to just respond calmly and coolly and naturally. Is there anyone that's signed up already in this bucket that knows how to play drums?

You did? What's your name? David? Put your hands together for motherfucking David, everybody. Here we go. It's David, your final comedian. No music for David? Alright. Here we go. Here comes David, everybody. Signed up in the bucket.

Signed up in the bucket. We're gonna do something fun here. We're gonna get a 60 second set from David. Come on, David. Let's go. Move your fucking ass. Here he is. Put your hands together for David, everybody. Holy shit.

What's up, Chicago? Seth's brought to you by ZipRecruiter. All right. So my wife and I adopted a dog last year because we're good people. And we can't have sex with a dog in the room because she gets extremely jealous. She'll jump up, start licking us, try to wedge herself between us, real pathetic shit. So we started locking her out of our room, but then she would just sit at the door and cry and eventually piss out of anxiety. So then we started leaving treats

on the counter, some within reach, the rest just far enough away to hold her attention and, you know, it works for the most part, but she still pisses in the house. I don't really know what to do about that part. I've just kind of accepted the fact that every time we have sex, I'm going to have to clean up two messes. I met my wife on Tinder, and I remember when we first started dating, we watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm together. It was the episode where they flash back to a young Larry David regretting not

shaving his head in solidarity with the cancer kid. And when, you know, being the charmer I am, after I saw that, I said, hey, you know, if you had cancer, I'd shave my head as well. And she said, oh my God, that's so sweet. But would you want me to do that for you? And I said, fuck no, I already have cancer. The last thing I need is a bald girlfriend. All right. Thank you. There you go.

Good job, David. What's your last name? David what? Levin. David Ray? Levin. Levin. How long have you been doing stand-up?

60 seconds. That's your first time ever. How about a hand for David? There you go. Way to do it, dude. How about a hand for David? There you go. Way to do it, dude. What do you do for a living? I work at a bank. You work at a what bank?

At a bank, yeah. We love banks. Sperm? Only on the weekends. Heck yeah. What do you do for fun? Play drums. I'm in a local cover band.

Yeah, what kind of cover band? Well, it's similar to the Kill Tony band, just with less sex appeal. Uh-huh. What's the what are you guys covering? Just regular songs? You know, classic rock, blues, contemporary stuff. Perfect. Well, I'll tell you what, David. I want to go off on a bang here, so let's have some fucking fun.

Let's do it! What do you guys think? Live from Chicago, what do you guys say we do a little, what do you think about a Mexican drum off, huh? Wow, how exciting. We're going off on a bang. David, now do you know the rules of this fucking thing? You're a fan of the show, right, David?

Tuck into the fucking microphone, you hack. There you go. This is over near your fucking skull. Yes, Tony, I'm familiar. So you understand that if you beat Undefeated Joelberg here in your hometown of Chicago? That's correct. Then you go to Minneapolis with us.

You go to Madison, Wisconsin. You go back to L.A. with us on Monday. You're in New York City all next week with us. You're in Philadelphia July 25th. You divorce your wife. Yep. Yeah, she's all Joles. That's fine.

So are you excited about this? Do you think you have a chance? I mean, I'm a little limited. Where are the Toms at? I mean, is this a house set or what? That's a really good point. Where's the Ludwig? That's a really good point.

Where's the Ludwig kid? I'm a Ludwig guy myself, too. Hey, stop with your fucking excuses, you goddamn banking piece of shit. I'll do my best here. You really know how to play up to the crowd, you idiot. All right, put your hands together for a Mexican drum off. It's David Levin, everyone. Nice.

Wow. I feel like I'm in the lobby of a guitar center right now. Wow. That was great. My goodness. Very good. Very good foundation. Has anyone ever told you you play drums like a stepdad?

That was incredible. Good job, David. Thank you. What's the name of the band that you're in? Missing Ted. Well, all right. There you go. I didn't come up with it.

David, are you sure there's anything else you want to... Is that it? That's your whole performance, right? You know that it has to do with drums and overall showmanship, right? There you go. He locked it in. That's David Levin. Get up, David.

Thank you. Go stand next to Lieutenant Stroganoff. And now I present to you the reigning, defending, undefeated drummer of this band. If he loses here tonight, he has to start fucking that guy's wife. Make some noise for him as loud as you can. It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, my God.

You're under arrest, Tony. Oh, no. Oh, don't do it to me. He probably does not have the key to that. Watch out. He probably does not have the key to that. Watch out. He probably does not have the key to that. Oh, yeah. I'm really not that paranoid about these plastic handcuffs, Brian.

I didn't know they were plastic. Come on, people. You got to fucking do it. Are you ready for this shit? This is a Mexican drama. And this is Jobar Joel Jimenez. Oh, shit. Woo. Hey.

Oh. Oh. Whoa. Come on, Chicago. Whoa! Come on, Chicago! That is how you do it. My goodness gracious.

How many of you have David Levin winning that one? How many of you have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez winning that, huh? And that is how you do it. That is an episode of Kill Tony Live. Do you guys have any fun tonight? Fuck yeah, you did, you goddamn animals. How about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins. Hell yeah. There he is. There goes David Levin. David, you can go. One more time for David Levin. There he goes. Come on. How loud can this place

get for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? You guys all seem happy. After the show, we're going to be wherever the merch area is here. Everybody has to make a straight line. We're going to sign posters, take pics with you, shake hands. You could tell us how much you love us and whatnot. It'll give you a chance to tell us that you've been listening for a long time and whatnot. I just want to give a shout out to Bob and Ryan from Ludwig?

They're here tonight. Absolutely. How about a hand for the guys from Ludwig? They're from here in Chicago. They made it. Come on guys. They, they sponsor Joel.

Make some noise for the Ludwig guys. What the fuck's wrong with you? Jeremiah's got Reagan and Watkins. The new episode of Jeremiah wonders with Pete Holmes is out. It's on YouTube at Jeremiah standup. He's on our Jeremiah Watkins. The new episode of Jeremiah Wonders with Pete Holmes is out. It's on YouTube at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. He's on, or Jeremiah Watkins, he's on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. He's got dates coming up. He's going to tell you about them really quickly.

Yeah, June 28th, Reagan and Watkins headlining in San Diego, and June 18th, we're at Stand-Up Live in Phoenix. Come see us. There you go. Joelberg's on social media, mostly. Sorry, I had so much fucking fun here tonight. We absolutely love you guys. We're definitely going to come back soon. It's not going to be another six years. You guys were fucking awesome. Thank you to everybody at Thalia Hall here.

Tim, Brad, Haley on lights. Fucking awesome. Red Band. Thanks a lot, Chicago. See you later. Thank you, guys. We love you.ご視聴ありがとうございました you