KILL TONY - Kill Tony #367
Episode Date: June 22, 2019Brian Holtzman, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/17/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoice...s.com/adchoices
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Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony,
including video portions to the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.
Not only are we at the world famous comedy store every Monday,
but we are on the road.
July 10th will be in Plano, Texas at the Hyenas.
July 11th, Fort Worth, Texas.
July 25th will be in Philadelphia at the Fillmore Theater.
And July 26th will be in Pittsburgh.
Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates.
Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Check out that for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Ryan J. Ebel, the house artist, he draws every episode, he makes posters, he made the book.
Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the
Death Squad universe and Kill Tony. Check out Kill Tony t-shirts, Death Squad hats and mugs.
Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road.
Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony.
Hedge clap. Hell yeah. What's happening, people? Tony, give it up for Tony Hetchcliffe.
Hell yeah.
What's happening, people?
You're at the number one live podcast in the world.
How about you make some fucking noise on a Monday night?
Jesus Christ.
Brian Redman's here, everybody. What's up, guys?
We're back again.
Just flew in from an insane show in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin,
Milwaukee, and Appleton.
Crazy week.
We've been going nonstop.
Shows every single night for a couple weeks now.
We fly to New York tomorrow.
How about that?
Poughkeepsie.
New York has their own Kill Tony.
And still a couple tickets remaining
for that second show at the Gramercy,
the 10 p.m. show.
Then we roll right into Skank Fest.
And then tickets just went on sale for the beautiful Fillmore Theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Our biggest show of all time.
Over 2,200 people will be in attendance at the Fillmore Theater.
How crazy is that?
A live nation event for a show that started in the goddamn belly room six years ago.
Started from the belly room, now we're here.
Unbelievable, man.
And, of course, Kill Tony Mania still in effect coming in October, the annual super event in San Francisco.
Six shows, two in Sacramento, four in San Francisco.
And that's going to be a lot of fun.
four in San Francisco.
And that's going to be a lot of fun.
Those are very special shows where we have,
where we bring along with us an extra,
extra large cast and mix them in,
put them on panel. It's bigger cast than your time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's going to be a lot of fun,
but let me tell you,
man,
the traveling is exhausting and I got home today.
I was beat up.
Right.
And the wife woke up early, went for a run at like 5 a.m.,
one of those fucking Cam Haines fucking days for her. So by the time I got home around noon,
I was exhausted. We napped out, right? Beat to death. I woke up at about 3 p.m. feeling good,
but not good enough to cook food or anything like that, right? I'm exhausted. I have some extra
money from fucking working so much. And you know what? I'm exhausted. I have some extra money from fucking working so
much. And you know what? I'm like, let's have some fun. And I went on Postmates and ordered
a bunch of delicious stuff, really treated myself. And you're being serious. Absolutely serious.
Boom Thai brought the flavor, had some Tom Kha soup, some drunken noodles, some spicy noodles, some wontons, had some goddamn shrimp dumplings.
I went crazy today. And it feels good to reward yourself and to treat yourself with fresh food
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That's cool.
You can see exactly where they're at.
Because, you know, the thing I like to do, because I live in a nice little neighborhood,
but I don't want anybody knowing exactly where my door is, right?
So I sort of like when I see them coming, I sort of like go for a little 30-second jog down the street,
pretend like I live somewhere else just in case the delivery driver knows me and hates me if I've ever made fun of them during a show or something like that.
I'm like, you're not going to know where I live.
But for the normal person, that probably won't happen.
Yeah, exactly.
So you just order.
So you use your real address.
And you know when they're at your door.
And for a limited time, this is true, Postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days.
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KILLTONY. And, you know, let me tell you, that's
a good thing for you comedians. I was broken, struggling, and starving. I didn't have Postmates
back then. I had to fucking either walk or, you know, ride a bicycle to Subway or whatever. And
I'm telling you, these deals are incredible. With 100 free dollars, you get to eat for at least,
what, two weeks. weeks well it's only for
one week but it reminds me you know that reminds me me talking about uh my struggling struggling
days of when i started it was so hard to find a job you know i picked up a shift working at
starbucks in the early mornings when i was still working the door here and you know i was i needed
a job that could help me do stand-up comedy while also making some
money to survive and it's so hard to find a job even with my uh crazy you know uh restaurant resume
the best i could do was starbucks and it was hard to get that it's really hard to find a job but what
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There you go.
Ryan J. Ebelts.
All right.
Hey, Ryan J. Ebelts here, everybody.
He's drawing tonight's episode.
He drew the tour posters that a lot of people got all around the country the past few weeks.
A lot of signed posters.
And he made us a fresh, special New York batch.
So, I mean, wait until you guys see.
It's probably my favorite poster of all time.
It features the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Godzilla, King Kong, and Feminist Stacy all on one crazy poster.
You have to see it to believe it.
RyanJEBelt.com for all those prints.
And so, yeah, let's just get into this, shall we?
This is an episode that I have been excited about for weeks.
Truly six years in the making.
I wanted to make sure that we were truly
the number one live podcast in the world
before we even had this guy on a show.
This here at the Comedy Store is a true legend,
a true icon.
He's what some people,
comics comic perhaps you could call him.
Very unhinged, controlled chaos.
Anything can happen.
And it's his first time on this show ever.
A true comedy store.
The king of late night now at the comedy store.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Brian Holtzman, everybody.
Wow.
Look at him.
Here he is.
The great and powerful Brian Holtzman.
Let me tell you.
That'll be me.
This is the type of guy that everybody hustles in on a late Friday or Saturday night
when we've all already done our spots and are hanging out, and then we find out Holtzman's on in the main room.
There's a buzz that circulates around the building amongst the community.
Let's do another 45 minutes of fucking commercials while we're up here.
Don't you have one for the morning after pill?
Come on, we didn't come here for fucking commercials!
Yes, it has begun.
And you're also, on top of being one of my favorite stand-up comedians,
you are also, you have blown our minds on Instagram.
Follow him on Instagram.
It's on YouTube also.
Brian Holtzman.
BrianHoltzman.com.
He's Brian Holtzman on Facebook,
and he's at HoltzmanBrian on Twitter, just for you dyslexic
people that...
Write it down!
He actually had this
printed and laminated and brought it here
for the first time
ever. A guest that is a classy
damn individual.
And I'm just
so excited to have you here, Brian. Anybody
that knows my story knows that everything I do and am and have become
is literally because of the black and red here at the Comedy Store,
the first place I ever saw a stand-up show,
the first open mic I ever signed up for,
the first place I ever performed at.
And I was built here from years as a door guy and a paid regular.
And you are my...
I'm sorry.
I must have dozed off, Tony.
This is already probably my favorite episode of all time.
This is the home court advantage.
L.A. back at the Comedy Store. Heck yeah.
This is it. The two beasts
of the main room. Holtzman and
Hinchcliffe and Kill Tony coming
together and this is so exciting
and a really cool thing
is that his
brother is here. It is his
71st birthday.
A veteran of
war for your United States Air Force,
and to celebrate his birthday,
a little something special,
to play a little song for his brother
and for all of us proud Americans.
Make some noise for Moan Red, everyone.
Come on.
Thank you. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 guitar solo ¶¶
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¶¶ Woo-hoo! © BF-WATCH TV 2021 ¶¶
¶¶ Whoo!
Whoo!
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Follow him on social media at Moan Red, M-O-A-N-R-E-D.
How about that?
How about one more time for Jay Holtzman's 71st birthday?
71, and he's still using the restroom by himself.
There he is right there.
Come on, make some noise.
He's a goddamn veteran of war.
This guy fought in Thailand for you.
All right, sit down, Jay.
Sit the fuck down, Jay.
You big fucking ham.
All right, so let's keep it moving along.
We do have a band on this show.
Moan Red reminded me how much I love music,
and that we have a band.
Every single episode, they commit to being different characters.
We never know what they're going to be.
On some of these road shows, maybe it's a brand-new character.
Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters.
We had the Chicago Cops in Chicago.
We had fishermen and painters,, brand new characters this week.
Let's all find out what they are tonight.
Make some noise for them.
They are the best damn band in the land.
It's the Kill Tony Band.
Jeremiah Watkins, Chroma Chris, and Joel Berg.
Joel Jimenez.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Whoa!
Wow, look at this. Oh, man. They look like frat guys. They all have Letterman jackets on. Kroger Chris just bought a beer. Oh, my God. This is incredible Wow he just threw
A shoulder pads out into the audience
Oh my god
Wow
You're so close to me
Joel Berg is close
These guys are all wearing the same letterman jacket
This is incredible
They're all fucking cheerleaders too
Wow
Jeremiah Watkins.
I mean, you're a frat guy, right?
A college frat guy with an extremely good hairline?
Team quarterback, what's up?
Wow.
Quarterback.
My goodness.
What's your name?
Curtis.
Hi, Curtis.
Hi, Curtis. How are you?
Are you excited to be on the show tonight?
Sure.
Wow. And then back over there, we have what appears to be
someone from the movie Back to the
Future, Chroma Chris.
It's Cody Stevenson, safety
fullback sinner.
Cody Stevenson. He dabbles in a little bit of everything. Cody Stevenson, safety, fullback, center. Cody Stevenson.
He dabbles in a little bit of everything.
Cody Stevenson, whose voice never changes character to character.
It's pretty much the same voice every single week.
How about a hand for David Deary out here hustling around?
Ooh, Jeremiah's got the power sax tonight.
I mean, Curtis has the beautiful, powerful Menchie music saxophone.
And then there's Ludwig Zone, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.
How are you, frat guy?
You brothers with the other guy that has the same haircut as you over here?
My name's Brent.
I'm the water boy, and I'll fuck your girlfriend.
Wow.
What's up, Kurt?
Damn. We got Curtis, Cody, and Brent. Wow. What's up, Kurt? Damn.
We got Curtis, Cody, and Brent.
Hey, Brent, tell them what the A stands for
on our jackets. Yeah.
Anal, dude.
I made Joel nervous.
This is so, so exciting.
We have, for the first time ever, frat guys on this show.
You guys look great.
Those are powerful Letterman jackets.
How about a hand for the band, huh?
We got the band.
We got Oltzman.
We got Red Band.
Ryan Shea.
Danny Lucas up in the bird's nest.
Which brings me to this, the one and only Bucket of Destiny, everybody.
Bunch of people signed up before the show for the opportunity to get a chance
at 60 seconds uninterrupted in an interview on this stage, the most beautiful stage in comedy, the main room of the world famous comedy store.
If I pull your name out of the bucket, you know what it is.
You get 60 seconds.
You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the one and the only West Hollywood Bear.
Yeah.
Oh, it's hungry, too.
Look at that.
It hasn't seen us in a week.
All these other bears have had their shots at everything.
Yeah.
So this is exciting.
You guys ready to start the show?
And we haven't even started yet.
That's right.
You thought you were already at the show.
Now it starts.
Heck, yeah.
Applicants, get ready.
This is going to be a blast.
Alright, your first comedian getting an
uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight
goes by the name of Kyle Kelly,
everybody. Here we go.
From the lucky spot, the farthest corner.
Always that back corner.
I knew you were
going to say that.
Here we go. I believe it's his first time
on Kill Tony as well. Come on, guys.
Make some noise one more time
for Kyle Kelly.
Yo.
Did you know that on average it takes women about 20 minutes to be able to cum?
20 minutes.
And men?
6 minutes.
6 minutes.
And that number goes down dramatically if someone sticks a finger in your ass.
I learned that the hard way, really.
The first time my girl ever stuck a finger in my ass, I came immediately.
It was like the first time the cum had ever left my body.
My entire life before that, I'm 26, I always believed that my butthole was a one-way street.
And on that day, my entire belief system was challenged.
I had an existential crisis, like, does this make me gay?
How much did I like it, really?
What else fits up there?
How gay am I?
One knuckle?
Two knuckles?
A fist?
Hi, I'm Kyle.
Potentially one fist gay.
Heck yeah, Kyle Kelly.
You're not dumb, each other, and you're not... Potentially one-fifth gay. Heck yeah, Kyle Kelly. Hey.
Kyle, this is your first time on the show.
Second.
Second.
Oh, yes.
Go right ahead, Curtis.
Yeah, I'm no mathematician, but this guy is five-fifths gay.
Five-fifths gay.
Heck yeah.
Your second time on this show
Is that all true?
Yeah
That happened
So what did we find out?
How much can you fit on your butt?
I'm about one knuckle at the moment
Which finger?
Which toe?
She has skinnier fingers than I do
Let's just start
Yeah
Coconut oil two knuckles
Coconut oil two knuckles. Coconut oil
two knucks. Wow. Look at
that. Oh my god.
Two thumbs or which finger are we
talking about? She's got
probably a man pinky, a woman
index. Wow. Damn, she's got a
thick pinky, huh? She's Spider-Man
too. Does she have a class ring on when
she does it?
I like
the way you set up the
cum, but
I personally identified with the
anal. I would have put the anal first
and the cum second.
And if you come again,
please, get to the fucking
stage a little faster.
I personally think
the minute should start when your name is fucking called. Oh, wow. I personally think the minute should start
when your name is fucking called.
Oh, wow.
I like that.
Because, you know,
like the television show,
Come On Down,
those big fat people,
they run the fuck down.
That's a great idea.
You walked up here
like you were on
some fucking gay fashion show
or some shit.
Oh, I'm here, I'm here.
But no offense. I thought the
material was excellent. The presentation
was outstanding. Thank you.
This guy took the words from my mouth.
Brian Holtzman is here, everybody.
I am excited about this.
Laying down the law. Let's check in with
Curtis over here. Can I just say this is the
weirdest episode of Adam's Family I've ever
seen?
Wow. So Kyle, tell us
more about you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
Since
this was actually my first open mic, since
April 1st. April 1st.
This is your first time on stage since April
1st. You made a fool of yourself tonight,
dude.
April fools, April 1st, nobody.
Nerds.
You just bully the audience?
Yeah, dude.
I'm fucking all of your girlfriends tonight.
Wow.
That's incredible.
So that's why it takes you so long to get to this stage,
because you literally just wait three months between spots.
Yeah.
To have your asshole heal.
What do you do for work, Kyle?
I work at a gym, and I teach yoga. You work at a gym? How much for work, Kyle? I work at a gym and I teach yoga
You work at a gym?
How much you lift, dude?
I can lift you
Can you lift him?
You really think so?
You think you can bench press him?
If you laid on your back
And he laid across you
You think you could lift him up?
How many of you want to see this, huh?
Yeah, let's see it
You think you could lift him up?
How many of you want to see this, huh?
Yeah, let's see it.
Don't want to fuck with Kyle.
Here we go.
For a lesbian, he's got dude confidence.
Here we go.
He's laying down.
Kyle is laying flat.
Do I go ass to mouth, or how do I do this? I think maybe you should lay on your back.
Yeah, go nice and slow.
I think he wants
you to sit on his face.
Try to center your weight. Here we
go.
Wow.
Lick that ass.
Lick that ass. Wow, he's having
some trouble. He's trying hard.
Kyle's trying.
Oh!
Alright. It is West
Hollywood. It is West Hollywood.
What do I have here?
Do a good game, bro.
Wow.
You almost had him, Kyle.
Almost.
Almost.
Are you able to do any special yoga poses since you teach yoga?
Is there anything crazy you could do?
No, not really.
I teach it, but...
Wow.
Are you able to fuck yourself?
Not yet.
That's a year or two.
I love it.
I love it.
Wow.
What else, Kyle?
Any other fun facts about you that we should know about?
What did we find out interesting about you
The first time you were on the show?
What stood out to you?
What was something that we really
That I don't have interest in yoga poses
I'm from Michigan
I like shooting stuff, blowing stuff up
Yeah, what do you like to shoot? Other than your load with a knuckle in your butt I'm from Michigan I like shooting stuff blowing stuff up I guess
yeah
what do you like to shoot
other than your load
with a knuckle in your butt
I like that
did you ever get your watch
caught up in somebody's ass?
Oh, I gotta take it off first.
I like deer hunting and squirrel hunting.
What?
I like deer hunting and squirrel hunting.
Oh, cool.
You do a lot of deer and squirrel hunting now that you've moved to Los Angeles?
No, not at all.
Are you the only guy out there just shooting squirrels
on fucking Hollywood and Vine?
Just like, oh my God, look at this psycho.
I know.
All right, Kyle.
Well, I mean, you got the show started here tonight.
Everything's bumping because of you.
Thank you so much.
There he goes, Kyle Kelly, everybody.
And it has begun.
There he goes.
There you go.
Yeah.
How about a hand for the band?
Always with new songs.
Always so gosh darn entertaining.
Can we just invite Holtzman every single week?
Yeah, let's do it.
New cast member.
All right.
Pulled another name out of the bucket. Look at this. It's got three exclamation points at the end do it. New cast member. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.
Look at this.
It's got three exclamation points at the end of it.
Make some noise for Simon Zhvajanovic.
Zhvajanovic.
Here he is.
Simon Zhvajanovic.
Here he is.
So, has anyone, everyone's been freaking out about Donald Trump's tax returns for like four or five, however long.
I want to see Sarah McLachlan's tax returns.
She, has anyone, has anyone thinking that she has one, one-eyed, three-legged dog running around her house?
No chance.
Those commercials are also bullshit.
They don't address the problem, and they're horrible for her album sales.
I don't think they should just be dogs in cages.
I think it should be two Hells Angels holding down a Rottweiler in a pit bull while in the arms of an angel is overplaying.
I think that would stop people from buying dogs that are bred.
There you go. Simon Vajanovic. I think that would stop people from buying dogs that are bred. But, yeah.
There you go.
Simon Vajanovic.
Hell, yeah.
Wow.
That was different.
Did you fucking prepare for this tonight or what?
Seems like you were really enjoying yourself.
You were laughing.
Your laughter was a bit contagious.
Got a few chuckles at yourself laughing.
I was laughing at her fooling me over here.
Oh, wow.
She put my name in the bucket.
I don't have anything written.
Oh, wow.
What a cunt.
There she is.
Unbelievable.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
One of our least favorite things on this show.
Good job, lady.
Thanks.
Hell yeah, that's awesome.
She put your name in the bucket and her finger in your ass.
Yeah.
You look like David Asselhoff.
That's incredible.
David Asselhoff.
That's incredible.
Somehow Simon looks more like a douchey frat boy than the entire band does tonight.
And also he has the exact same hair.
Face the fucking audience, Simon.
You're on a live show.
Also he has the same haircut as Curtis and Brent.
Yeah, but he doesn't know how to street fight, dude.
Doesn't he look like that guy who strangled that girl in Central Park?
Broke her neck
and fucked her dead or something?
Look at him.
So, Simon,
how'd you even end up here? Are you a fan of the show
or something like that? This is the second time,
yeah. Yeah, this is your second time coming
to the show.
Oh, no, I'm right oh you oh
you've been up before did you sign up that time yes and that went so bad that you're like i'm
never doing it again and then you brought this fucking hoe girlfriend with you and she thought
she'd be funny by signing you up is that what happened she's my wife and oh oh my wife. Hi, honey, I'm home.
In that case, she's a super cunt.
You're rich or something, right?
Was there something?
Oh, you're rich?
Oh, you're cool and your wife's awesome. Bitcoin, you made a lot of money on Bitcoin.
No, I made money off the NCAA and the school I played for.
What school you played for?
That's right.
Illinois, yeah.
Yeah, now it's coming back to me.
That's right.
You had some injuries,
and they paid you to keep your mouth shut about it,
and then you talked about it
on the number one live podcast in the world.
Now it's all coming back.
And then you bought a wife.
Yeah.
Hey, if she's ever ready to get with a starter,
tell her Curtis is here.
Wow. I enjoyed it, though. I thought your is here. Wow.
I enjoyed it, though. I thought your presentation
was right on. You were a little bit slow
developing some of the
segues and the punchlines,
but I see no reason
why you shouldn't come back and try it again.
Hey, you know what? I like
that. I bring that little whore with you.
Yeah, that pile of slop
over there. So so simon since you
didn't sign up that's it for you buddy you did it you got up you did it you didn't weren't even
expecting it we're gonna keep it moving a lot of people signed up tonight
a lot of people signed up on purpose themselves
so let's get back to this bucket. You guys having fun out there yet, huh?
All right.
Ooh, this name has a bunch of hearts around it.
Put your hands together for Marjan Fathi.
Marjan.
Oh, my God, dude.
What the fuck is happening here?
Wow.
Marjan Fathi.
Marjan Fathi.
Wow, Marjan Fathi Hi, my name is Marjan Fathi
I think I pronounced that right
This probably won't be the first or last time I bomb
because I'm Middle Eastern
So
I think hijabs are the sluttier version of a burqa.
And my mama Tarani, my great-grandmother, she was no ho.
She had really strong family values.
She was one of 12 wives.
And the husband was great.
He'd be like, you have such pretty eyes.
You have such beautiful eyes.
I can only see your eyes.
And it was kind of like The Bachelor,
except you didn't get a rose.
Like, watch your neck.
And everyone would be like,
but Marjan, weren't those women abused
like aren't you concerned about them
and I'd be like no
they had so many choices they could spit or
swallow or swap
there's 12 of them so
thank you it's my time
hey look at that Marjan
Marjan
Marjan
I've never enjoyed someone so much
after calling them a cunt three minutes beforehand.
That was incredible.
That is the most craziest bucket thing ever, I think.
Yeah, that was wild.
So I guess this was your own special way
of showing your husband who wears the funny pants
in this relationship, huh?
This girl.
Yeah.
Wow. That's what we
call burying him. No one even remembers
that he existed now
after your jokes. Really loved the
beautiful eye burka
joke. I mean, really, really, really funny
and smart. I've never even heard anything like
that before.
And congratulations. So this is your first time doing stand-up comedy? Here, take a step back between and smart. I've never even heard anything like that before. Congratulations.
This is your first time doing stand-up comedy?
Here, take a step back between
Brian and Curtis
so that the audience can see you.
There you go. Perfect.
Hey, what's up?
This is your first time
doing stand-up? Not my first time.
How long have you been doing it for?
About six months.
Heck yeah. No, I like your style.
You remind me if Natasha Leggero
was a terrorist.
So tell us more about you.
You're married to that douchebag
over there. What else?
Do you have a job? Yes.
Yeah, what do you do? So I'm a
stylist during the day.
I do fashion.
What are you at night?
I wouldn't even have asked had you not said during the day.
I just like to do stand-up at night.
Oh, very cool.
Very cool.
What type of stylist are you?
Fashion stylist.
So if, like, someone needs help with their wardrobe.
Are you off right now?
If someone needs help with their wardrobe.
Are you off right now?
Wow, that was Chroma Chris making fun of the way she's dressed.
I think you're wonderful.
I think everything is set up beautifully. I just don't understand the orthopedic Velcro shoes that you're wearing.
Yeah, she's rocking those fucking...
You're wearing the shoes
of my brother Jay.
She's rocking those
goddamn Lucy Lues tonight.
Describe them.
What are they?
They are white Velcro...
Orthopedic shoes.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, look at those fucking things.
You look like a douchebag
with those fucking shoes.
They look like moon boots.
It's hard to tie my shoes, so...
Heck yeah.
I wear the Velcro.
Would you consider blowing other comics to get somewhere?
Just curious.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Marjan.
Am I saying that right?
Marjan.
Marjan.
Is there any fun facts about you?
Do you have any special hobbies or skills or talents?
Or have you ever won a trophy or anything?
Or saved somebody's life?
Paintball tricks?
Yeah, what's your 40?
Does the magic carpet match the drapes?
Hey, there it is.
All right.
So back to that question that I asked you about anything about you.
Well, so I'm brown.
So my parents, they didn't allow us to have like dogs or cats.
So I guess like a fun fact, when I was like five or six, I'd negotiate with my parents.
And I'd say like, can we please just have like a a bird, since we couldn't have a dog or cat?
And they were like, well...
Well, a bird could possibly fly into a trade center with a bomb attached to its back.
Yeah, sure, we can train birds, Marjan.
We get you the parrot from Aladdin.
So you asked for a bird, what did they say to that?
They're like, if you can catch it, you can keep it.
Wow.
That's the advice my dad gave me with women.
Does your husband...
Are you happy with your husband?
Yes, yes.
Simon's wonderful.
He's lovely.
So did you ever catch the bird
yeah
you did
guys guys guys
guys guys
alright
the band's being a little bit
out of control
a little bit physical
during the
during the smarter part
of the show
so let's just wind down
a little bit
sorry teach
yeah
it's me
very good very good alright I'm giving you Yeah, it's me Very good
Alright
I'm giving you
I'm sending
This might be all fun and games
But I'm giving you detention for that
I'm telling you right now
Put the mic back
You're not going to use that anymore tonight
No, no, no, you keep it
Marjana, I got one more question for you
Did you end up catching the bird?
Yes, I caught it.
Uh-huh.
And then what happened?
I named him Fruity.
Uh-huh.
And then I put a rope around its neck.
I mean, a leash.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
And then my parents were like,
they like let him go
and I was so upset
and I was like,
please, like,
what happened?
Like, I know he didn't
just walk out the door.
Oh, he's okay.
He has 72 virgin birds now. They was like, please, what happened? I know he didn't just walk out the door. Oh, he's okay. He has 72 virgin birds now.
He died for good cause, Marjan.
They're like, he's living his natural life.
They let a bird go.
You don't need birds.
They're dirty.
They shit everywhere.
There's only enough room for us in this house to do that.
Wow, nothing on my dirty Middle Eastern joke.
After I have a guitarist play
the Star Spangled Banner for you, you go on
American on me. So after they let your bird go,
after they let your bird go, you married a
camel.
He looks like a camel. Whatever,
dude.
Alright, well, Marjan, congratulations
on your incredible luck. You got pulled out of the
bucket right after your husband bombed incredible.
Marjan Fathy.
Hey, what's that?
Brian's giving her a button and a $2 bill.
Look at that.
Hell yeah.
That is so cool.
Brian Holtzman.
All applicants will get a $2 bill.
They're good luck.
Hey, I like that.
He's giving away $2 bills.
And a button. And a Brian Holtzman luck. Hey, I like that. He's giving away $2 bills. And a button.
And a Brian Holtzman button.
That is so damn cool.
You guys, I mean, how exciting is this? The band,
Brian Holtzman.
Wow, you are deep
in that character over there.
Wow.
Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa.
All right.
Pull the name out of the bucket.
Put your hands together for your next comedian, Mike Spettel.
Mike Spettel.
Oh, that corner again.
There he goes.
He's got a good face coming.
Come on down.
Come on down.
Heck yeah.
Hello.
So I just got ghosted for the 11th time this year.
Yeah, halfway through June, we're averaging about two per month.
There's something seriously wrong with me.
I think it's either that or it's like one of those Bruce Will situations where I've been dead the whole time.
No, things are looking up for me in honor of Pride Month.
I recently turned someone gay.
Yeah, yeah, it was this one guy's first time with another guy.
Like, I did that.
No, no, no.
It's pretty cool.
The best part about it is that I'm only two conversions away on my punch card,
and I get a free trip to Mykonos, bitch.
So if anyone would like to help me fulfill fulfill that wish we're gonna have a single
file line after the show thank you all right mike spitzell
heck yeah look at this he knows right where to go good job mike right in position
absolutely so mike welcome welcome first time on the show right first time on the show heck yeah
i'd remember you you look like a mad professor or something like that some type of like crazy uh
crazy man i am crazy so yeah uh so mike you said that you got ghosted for the 11th time but what
i really want to know about is you said you turned someone gay. Is that true? Yes, it is. How did you do that? Have you seen me?
Dude, get away
from me, dude. I don't want to turn gay, dude.
Is that like contagious?
Don't mind him.
He's the quarterback for the football
team. I've been there, done that.
So you are gay, right?
Yes.
Yes.
I love it.
You own that shit.
Hell yeah.
That's why he's the captain.
Heck yeah.
Dude, from fullback to bareback.
You playing wide receiver tonight?
Whoa.
I don't know.
Am I?
Wait, are we doing something gay right now?
So tell me how you turned someone gay, Mike.
I'm excited to know about this.
So I just met up with, I was in San Francisco.
I met up with this one guy that I went to college with.
And we went out to a couple bars.
And then eventually then he was just like, yeah, I've always kind of had an
attraction to you and then he kissed me
on the cheek, kissed me closer to the
cheek and then he kissed me on the lips.
I think we've had enough of this.
I think we've had enough
of this.
I just got a charming personality.
I can't help it.
Sucking cock is going to be part of this show?
For an additional
fee? Sure hope so.
So your buddy that you
turned gay, I gotta know,
so what happens? Is he on bottom
or top? How does that work? What did he have in his
what did he want?
The first time you do it,
you have to top. It's part of the rules.
You had to top him. No, he has to.
Oh, right.
Dude, you put new meaning to Mythbusters, dude.
Man.
If you don't top for the first time, that's called being the away team.
Wow.
So he fucked you.
Yes. So you got a future in the Navy
Or perhaps a penitentiary
Wow
Down Periscope
So Mike how long have you been doing stand up
About a year now
About a year
Where are you from
I'm from Cleveland Ohio
Oh wow look at that
I'm from Youngstown. Oh, wow. Look at that. Heck yeah.
I'm from Youngstown.
13-13 Cocksucker Boulevard.
And how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
Going on two years at the beginning of the month.
Two years.
Right here in WeHo, right?
Yes.
What gave it away?
Yeah.
Why go anywhere else when you could live in the Mecca?
I think it's nice that
you're open about it, and I like that. I don't like
the fags that try to come off
and scrape.
It's disappointing when you find out your best
friend's a cocksucker when you're not around.
At least he's honest.
Question for you. I had to write it down.
What is Mykonos? I've never
heard of that. Mykonos?
Mykonos.
Mykonos.
It's a Greek resort town.
You remember that?
It was that video of Lindsay Lohan dancing blackout drunk last year.
No, only gay guys know about that shit, dude.
Know your audience.
Know your audience.
I guess so.
So that's cool.
It's going to be the only fag on the list.
I don't know.
It's a random bucket.
Anything can happen.
What do you do for work, Mike?
I do accounting consulting.
And cock sucking.
I like to turn straight guys into fags.
How long is this going to go on with this fucking guy?
He's making me uncomfortable here.
I'm thinking I'm a closet fucking fag now.
Oh, my God.
The glasses, too.
It's creepy, right?
I want to fucking suck your cock.
I mean, bro, you look like you're in a gay western right now,
so you can't say anything.
Whoa.
He's taking shots at the throat.
Give him a... He left you hanging. He's a
douchey quarterback sometimes.
Sexual predator! That's what he is. He's a sexual
fucking predator.
One last question for you, Mike. You said you got
ghosted for the 11th time this year.
Now, how
does that happen? Especially
I feel like gay guys just want to fuck.
So how do you get ghosted?
Usually they just want to fuck, and then after that it's like...
Oh, so they fuck you and then they ghost you.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's not real.
I don't think that's really ghosting.
Oh, yeah.
No, that makes sense.
Yeah, ghosting is when you fuck somebody and then you never hit them up again.
Yes, yes.
That's right.
Is that what everybody does?
Wow.
So why do you think it is that you don't get the callback
after the audition?
You know what I mean?
I mean, usually I'm good for like,
I usually have one and then two,
but then after the second one, it just cuts out.
I think that they kind of just get to really know the real me.
Well, the blood tests are faster nowadays.
That's true.
That's very true. When you say they get to know the real you, Well, the blood tests are faster nowadays. That's true. That's very true.
When you say they get to know the real you,
what is it that you think they find out,
that they find unlikable?
That I really have the personality of a dead squirrel.
You do?
Yes.
Can you give us an example of the most boring thing about you?
I'm an accounting consultant.
Oh, yeah.
You look like a Forrest Griffin if the forest he was in was gay.
That's a pretty deep reference there.
The podcast listeners will love it.
Forrest Griffin from 2009 UFC fame.
Well, Mike, fun times, dude.
Very interesting stuff.
Thank you.
Rock and roll. There he goes. Mike Spatel. Very interesting stuff. Thank you. Rock and roll.
There he goes, Mike Spatel.
Been doing Santa for a year.
Mike Spatel.
He's on Twitter at Spike underscore Mattel, Simon Vijanovic, and Marjan Fafi.
Maybe we'll pick a tranny out of there next.
Hey, could happen.
Could happen.
It's a wild show.
Have you ever experimented when you were younger, Brian?
Did you ever experiment with, you know, when you're on drugs with a guy?
Just between lunch period.
I'm interested.
Somebody go in the back and just beat the fuck out of that guy.
Just beat the fucking living.
Knock the glasses right off his fucking gay fucking head.
You know, Brian, I'm actually surprised you're talking like this since don't you actually,
and I don't know if it's okay that I bring this up, but don't you have a gay son?
I'm proud of the boy.
I treat him just like anybody else.
Just because he's got that crazy gene.
Yeah.
My goodness.
Mr. Holtzman, it would be an honor if I could wear one of those pins.
Oh, wow.
Look at that.
You want to toss him a pin?
He's going to represent.
Can I get up?
You can get up.
T-shirt.
Thank you.
My goodness.
Do you remember what it was like when you found out your son was gay?
Like, how did he come out to you?
Yeah, can I be your son?
It was very frightening.
We were having a celebration.
I think it was Thanksgiving.
And Mitzi Shaw was there and Pauly Shaw. And we were all gathered around the table. It was very frightening. We were having a celebration. I think it was Thanksgiving.
And Mitzi Shaw was there and Paulie Shaw.
And we were all gathered around the table.
And my wife was breastfeeding the child.
And we kind of had a figure.
We weren't sure.
But we had some kind of indicators, perhaps.
And he got loose from my wife's breast.
And he just fell right on my crotch.
You could cut the tension in the room with a tension-cutting knife.
It was unbelievable.
They cleared the table.
Bob, Uncle Bob, went and got the video camera.
I mean, it was... So I unleashed the bottom of my zipper and just pulled out my penis,
and he saw the shiny part on the head,
and he jumped on it like a fish on a fish hook.
And I don't want to take
any more time with this story.
Maybe we should move on.
Woo!
Oh, this is fun
getting to do all these
crazy road shows
and come back
and really just get to
enjoy ourselves
with the guests, man.
So, such an honor
to have you here, Brian.
Pulled another name
out of the bucket.
Your next comedian with an uninterrupted 60 seconds
goes by the name of Evan Eames.
Evan E-A-M-E-S.
Come on down! Come on down!
Come on.
One more time for Evan, everybody.
Woo!
Excellent.
Thank you.
Surprised.
I'm surprised.
I always get surprised.
Sometimes I get surprised about stuff that's just normal in my life.
Sometimes I get surprised when I don't have diarrhea.
It's one of those ones where I'm like, oh, my God, my whole...
I should definitely...
I haven't been really healthy about my eating.
I've only been having ice cream sandwiches and diarrhea for the last five days.
I should definitely have diarrhea right now.
And so I go and I, you know, sometimes I'll see, I'm like, what, why is that there?
And so you got to be like a detective.
You know, you grab like the plunger.
You're like, maybe if I break it open,
spill out like chocolate lava cake.
It's all right.
I don't mind ruining chocolate lava cake for everybody in here.
Like that movie, It's a Chef.
That's what chocolate lava cake looks like,
is diarrhea trapped in a poop.
Anyway.
It's molten! Wow. All poop? Anyway. Go for it.
It's molten!
Wow. All right, everybody.
Evan Eames.
My goodness.
Wow.
Welcome.
Welcome to the show, Evan.
So you poop.
Everybody does.
Yes, they do.
Step away from the talent.
Ask him if he's straight before we start.
Are you straight?
I'm pretty sure.
I don't know.
I didn't meet that guy.
Could maybe potentially.
Okay, there's your fart noise for the episode.
There it was.
Red band.
I get it.
Just couldn't wait to do it.
So, Evan, you just started stand-up comedy?
No.
Oh, wow. How long have you just started stand-up comedy? No. Oh.
Wow. How long have you been doing stand-up?
Seven years.
No. Yeah, I know.
What? I didn't go with the strongest one.
My God.
Jesus Christ. I know.
It's awful, right? What the fuck's happening?
Tell us about it. That one was just
a... How long?
It was just a new one.
Seven years he's been doing stand-up.
You should have graduated four years ago.
My goodness.
And how long have you been inspiring people on Instagram
to wake up early and get to work?
What's that fucking guy's name?
Eh, forget it. Don't remember. Some guy that you that fucking guy's name? Eh, forget it.
Some guy that you look like.
It's like, you can do it. Heard it.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, because you fucking look just like him.
And he's also not funny.
So, Evan, how have you been doing this seven years?
What's going on?
You do it rarely?
No, no, no.
I've been in Shanghai, China.
Shanghai. What were you doing in Shanghai?
I was working as a teacher.
Fucking little boys.
Where were you teaching in Shanghai?
I taught third grade
and international school.
You know how to speak Chinese? A little bit.
Can you give us an example? Can you do your set
in Chinese? I cannot do my set in Chinese.
Can you just say a sentence in Chinese?
Can you say, I fucking bombed tonight in Chinese?
I bombed tonight in Chinese.
Wow.
Very good.
Why can't we get more than one fortune cookie at a fucking Chinese food restaurant?
It's the commodity.
Good answer, Evan.
Good answer.
So you've been doing it seven years.
And what do you do for work now?
I work at a gym.
You work at a gym.
Wow.
The second guy that works at a gym that looks like he doesn't fucking work at a gym.
It's incredible.
What are you guys, the receptionists at these gyms?
What's Jim's last name?
What do you do at the gym, Evan?
Pilates?
I'm a personal trainer.
Personal trainer.
You specialize in any type of personal training?
Kettlebells.
What?
Whoa, Brian.
Kettlebells?
Brian.
Brian's holding his own neck.
Are you like secretly ripped underneath that shirt or something?
I'm okay. Really? Really? Would you mind shirt or something? I'm okay.
Really?
Would you mind showing this audience?
I'm interested to know.
He says he specializes in kettlebells.
Who wants to see his asshole?
Show us your asshole.
That's ripped, all right.
I just want to see what you have going on under there.
I'm not buying this personal trainer specializing in kettlebells thing.
Wow, look at that. That looks like a cocksucker to me. That's a cocks thing. Wow, look at that. Oh, that looks like a
cocksucker to me. That's a
cocksucker to me. Look at that. You gotta be
a fag to get
that on your body. Come on. That's a lot of
sit-ups.
You have a door knocker on your chest.
Wow, that's the second gayest thing
that's been on this stage tonight.
It's a door knocker because
the back door is always open.
He's got a little doorbell
you can ring on the back side.
My goodness.
So you took some time off
during that seven years.
That makes sense.
In Shanghai, you weren't really doing stand-up.
No, no, no.
I am like a co-founder
of a Chinese comedy promotion group.
Really?
Co-founder of a Chinese promotion group there.
Yeah.
Very cool.
And, uh,
sounds like bullshit to me.
It does.
It's really bad.
What do you, what do you like to do for fun?
Tell us more about you.
You seem like you have some creepy hobbies.
You canoe backwards or something like that.
Like I only canoe upstream on personal trainers.
I'm just, I just, I swim everywhere.
No, I like, I go out and do fucking hiking and stuff like that.
Yeah, what else?
Well, other than hiking, which is literally the most boring answer.
Everybody does that.
I play guitar.
Yeah.
And I try to do stand-up and then fail when I come up here.
You married?
I am married.
How long have you been married for? About a year and a half. Year and a half. Where did you marry her at? I come up here. You married? I am married. How long have you been married for?
About a year and a half.
Year and a half.
Where'd you marry her at?
China.
Oh, yeah.
Hell, yeah.
I figured it out.
Went from Shanghai to Shanghai.
You know what I'm talking about, dude?
You went from Boontang to Ching Chang.
Is it true it's sideways?
Is it up and down?
I haven't figured that part out yet.
I only go ass.
My goodness.
And you met your wife when you were teaching her third grade?
It's a different culture there.
Yeah.
I love it.
She looked old for her age.
Mature.
She's very mature.
Wow. So interesting. And now she lives here She's very mature. Wow.
So interesting.
And now she lives here with you?
Yes.
Wow.
Does she speak English?
Yeah.
What does she do?
She works at a freight forwarding company.
Freight forwarding?
Freight forwarding.
Like logistics.
She gives hand jobs?
Yes.
Oh, very good.
Wow.
A white guy with a fucking Asian wife.
I can't believe it.
It doesn't seem to be a thing.
Yeah.
My goodness.
She's good at that.
Wow.
Evan, was the transition easy when she moved in with you?
Like, you know, can you tell us anything about that oh it looks like I finally
fucking found something to talk about with you
no I
met I had a crush on her and then I met
her up with her at a pool and then we
she had a shitty roommate and I said hey do you
want to like move out of your roommate's place
move in with me and she was like yeah sure
and then I went to Edinburgh for a month and then I came back
and she didn't move out she didn roommate's place and move in with me? And she was like, yeah, sure. And then I went to Edinburgh for a month, and then I came back, and she didn't move out.
She didn't move into your place?
She moved into my place, but she didn't move out of my place.
I was letting her stay there while I was in Edinburgh.
Hell yeah.
And then she didn't leave.
Yeah.
Did you try to get her to leave?
Or were you like, I invested so much in toilet cameras?
It was mad.
Normally.
Sometimes it's like really good.
And you're like, I forgot that six months passed.
I can't believe she stayed.
Normally Chinese people are very good at takeout.
Yes.
Did you have to marry the whole fucking family like they say?
Yes.
That's a bitch.
Fuck the family.
Luckily your dad's dead, so it's okay.
It's a small family now.
What happened to him?
How did he die?
Car wreck.
Car accident.
Wow.
Who would have guessed an Asian in a car accident?
You ought to wear your seatbelt.
My goodness.
Is there any bigger stereotype?
Oh, he choked on an egg roll, Tony.
All right.
Car wreck.
Man, that's some interesting stuff.
Well, Evan, we got it out of you.
You did it, dude.
Sign up again next time.
Get some redemption, dude.
If you have seven years of experience, do a different minute.
Step back from that ledge, my friend.
All right.
They owe me something good.
Yeah, that's what it was,
wasn't it? Pulled another name out of the bucket.
Put your hands together
for Bruce Lerner.
Come on down, Bruce.
Here we go. Come on down.
Bruce Lerner.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
All right, Come on down.
From the audience side, that's always interesting.
Come on.
Make it good and loud for Bruce Lerner, everybody.
Great to be here.
Comedy store.
Fuck yeah.
Catch my breath in that run.
All right.
I live in kind of the rough part of Oregon.
Yeah, it's rough, man.
There's this house across the street.
They do lots of drugs there, prostitution.
I saw these teenagers standing outside on the driveway,
and I went up to them.
I said, you kids, get out of here.
You're too young and too beautiful to be getting drugs from that house. Get the hell out of here. And
they were like, dude, we're just waiting for a ride. I was like, all right. I went inside
my apartment, and I thought, hey, at least I tried. At least I tried to do something
good for the world. The problem was the window was still open, and I heard outside, dude,
did you know we could get drugs at that house?
It's my fucking life, man.
And then, no, I'm saying,
uh, this is... Anyway, Amazon,
Amazon is trying...
All right, that's it.
Heck yeah, dude.
Absolutely.
Bruce Lerner.
This is your first time on the show, correct?
Yes.
It was awesome, dude.
Thank you.
You hit it right from the beginning.
Rough part of Oregon.
Got a big laugh.
Wiped the room clean of the stink left by Evan Eames' seven years of disappointment.
You been doing stand-up a while?
Yeah, a little over ten years.
A little over ten years.
Oh, that's fucking awesome.
All up in Oregon? No, I
started in Boston, moved to LA,
lived here for two and a half years, moved to
Oregon five years ago. Why did you move to
Oregon? I couldn't handle it, Tony.
I love it when people say
my name in the answer.
You couldn't handle LA?
I couldn't handle it, man. What does that mean?
The noise
and the crowdedness and the cost of living
i had checked my price in my old apartment went from 1,000 to 1,600 on the same street
1,000 to 1,600 in five years in five years yeah it's not that bad yeah uh you could have uh did
you ever think about just moving just outside la and maybe you know that would that would help with
the noise was the first thing you mentioned what What part of town did you live in?
Hollywood. Yeah, well, there you go, man.
You could also live in the middle of nowhere
10 minutes away. Alright, there were psychedelics
involved up in Oregon.
I said I gotta go back and get some more of that shit.
Is that when you bought those shoes?
Yeah.
For those of you listening to the podcast.
What the fuck is happening down there?
No.
No, no, no.
What did you ask him, Brian? I missed it.
Have you ever been to a movie theater with a firearm?
No.
Good question.
Wow.
So you do psychedelics a lot?
I did. I moved up there to do psychedelics
and I fell in love with the geography out there. The geography. Was that onics, and I fell in love with the geography out there.
The geography.
Was that on psychedelics that you fell in love with the geography?
No.
Oh, okay.
You just love Oregon.
I just love Oregon.
I don't blame you.
A lot of my friends love Oregon.
My meth head friends love Oregon, yeah.
Definitely.
There's a slight stereotype for that, right?
A lot of meth up there?
Shit load of meth up there.
Yeah.
You like meth? I never done meth. No? Shit load of meth up there. Yeah. You like meth?
I never done meth.
No.
Oh, come on.
Look at yourself.
Fair enough.
You said you were from the rough part of Oregon.
There's 37 people from Detroit out here to kick your ass.
I know.
I know.
I say it's a local joke because I live in this town.
And fucking, it's funny to say it's rough because it's not a rough town at all. Right. Yeah, but they don't know this town.
Right. Hey, why did you call those
kids beautiful in your joke?
That's a good
question.
Very
good question. Is that
your... Because I was with you like
the D.A.R.E. program, you're too young for this
but then you slipped in that beautiful and I was with you, like the D.A.R.E. program, you're too young for this, but then you slipped in that beautiful, and I was like...
What is happening right now?
I don't know what is happening exactly.
Curtis is clearly preparing for the talent show.
All right, all right.
Every time you play this, it seems to put him in a trance of some kind.
Get off me, Daddy.
Wow.
So, Bruce, how do you make money?
I'm a caregiver.
A caregiver?
A caregiver from memory.
A what?
Are we talking about kids again?
No.
I don't like children.
Oh.
I just didn't want to.
That wasn't even true.
My girlfriend said that, and I turned it into a joke.
Oh, okay.
So what do you do caregiving exactly?
And by the way, since you said you don't like children, now it feels like you do.
Okay, Brian.
You look like if Adam Sandler was a pedophile.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
He's definitely an odd-looking fellow.
Is that head the same head that came with your body?
Doesn't he look like his head belongs on somebody else's body?
What a weird-looking motherfucker this guy is.
It's because I'm Russian.
Yeah, you're Russian.
I never thought I'd see Joseph Stalin again.
Wait, which one of us...
Fuck you, man!
Fuck you, man!
Maybe next time you can Putin some more jokes.
Yeah, there's definitely, I can tell you're Russian.
In fact, I can tell by the shape of your head that your parents lived near Chernobyl, for sure.
He looks like that guy from the first Blade Runner, Leon.
When they're asking him questions, Leon, do you remember that?
Not the second Blade Runner.
That was a piece of hot, steamy shit.
The first Blade Runner.
Look at him.
Leon, Leon, Leon.
That's insane.
It does.
Oh, shit.
I thought I was a fucked up dresser.
Look at this fucking guy.
So, Bruce, tell us more about you.
What do you do for fun up there?
What do you do?
What I do, I go out on the lake, inflatable kayak, smoke some weed out there.
Is that true?
Yeah.
Wow.
Go snowboarding.
Oh, that's so cool.
Yeah, it's nice.
That's why I move.
The nature is really nice.
Yeah, the nature is nice.
You have enough money to have a place that you like.
You live by yourself?
With my girlfriend, dog and cat.
Oh, cool.
What kind of dog? Dach, cool. What kind of dog?
Dachshund.
What kind of girlfriend?
Girlfriend, half Mexican.
Half Mexican?
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
They're the best.
The best.
Yeah, dude.
Put some cream on that burrito, dude.
Why do you prefer Mexican?
Why do you say they're the best?
What is it about her that you like so much?
She just treats me right. Nice person.
I love that. She's half
German, so she makes nachos in the
oven. Damn. Wow.
Half Mexican,
half German. Is that a German
thing? Heck yeah.
I fucking love this guy, dude.
You want to be in our frat, dude?
Fuck yeah, dude. You're in, dude. You want to be in our frat, dude? It's incredible.
Fuck yeah, dude. You're in, dude.
You just got to suck my dick.
All right, all right.
Ten years he's been doing it.
What a difference three years make.
It just goes to show that after year seven, if you don't quit, you can be as funny as Bruce up here.
Such an awesome set.
Thank you.
Such a fun interview.
Thank you, man.
Thank you.
Good energy.
Good energy.
How long are you in Los Angeles for?
This is my last night.
I've been here at the Comedy Store last three nights, last four nights.
That is so cool.
Five nights.
Pick a fucking night.
You flew here?
I took the train, actually.
Taking the train back.
That is so cool.
I love trains.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I love that, man.
Well, I'm so glad that you got pulled out of the bucket.
Fucking awesome set.
So good.
So cool.
That's amazing.
One last thing, Tony.
Yeah, yeah.
I told you this before.
This is the craziest thing I ever did in my whole life.
Not everyone might know what I'm talking about.
Taking Astrid with Eddie Whitehead Jr.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, we know Eddie Whitehead Jr. You did that up in Oregon?
Yeah. Is he okay?
I don't know. I don't know. Shout out.
How long ago was that? Five years.
Wow. Eddie Whitehead Jr. is the first person
I met in all of comedy.
I went to sign up
for the open mic here and that
day I was extremely early
because I had been preparing for months
to go to
the comedy store,
showed up by myself and,
uh,
and I was the first person there and he,
uh,
and he was,
uh,
and he was,
he was here because he was homeless and,
uh,
now he just disappears and comes back.
You just thought he was Samuel L.
Jackson,
didn't you?
The whole time.
He looks just like Samuel L. Jackson, by the way.
Anyway, so how about one more time for Bruce Lerner, everybody,
all the way from Oregon.
He's back on the train tomorrow.
Good job, Bruce.
Ten years in the game.
Signed up.
Got up.
That nacho joke was hilarious.
Yeah.
He's got it.
Look at that.
He's going back.
I thought I was the first one you met.
How's it going, ladies and gentlemen?
You all right?
Come here!
I love it.
All right.
Pulled a name out of the bucket.
One word name. Let's see if they're here. Put your hands together for Toby with an I. Pull the name out of the bucket. One word name.
Let's see if they're here.
Put your hands together for Toby with an I.
T-O-B-I.
Toby, come on over here.
Here they come, I think.
Here we go.
Come on down.
Okay.
Is that Toby?
That's a person leaving.
Oh, it's a big girl.
Big girl.
Here she comes.
Big girl. Big girl. Here she comes. Big girl.
Big girl.
One more time for Toby, everybody.
So it turns out once you go black, you do go back.
But I'm single right now, and I'm really taking that time to ask myself the important questions like,
Toby, why were you dating a homeless man who had no job, no car, and really no future?
But he was so sweet, though.
He would donate his blood so that he could take us out on dates.
Oh, shit. was so sweet though he would uh donate his blood so that he could take us out on dates uh shit um but uh that's only if he had money left over after um buying his malt liquor and cigarette can you guys believe that he's only 30 percent black uh so my uh
so i was talking to this bitch recently and i I was like, show me your tits.
And she showed me, and I don't actually think that my mom's a bitch,
but I just wish that I had her tits because she doesn't have any nipples.
But that explains the hair because obviously I got my dad's.
Heck yeah.
Toby, ladies and gentlemen.
First time on the show. toby thank you welcome how are you when you answer everything make sure you talk right into the tip of that microphone because it
was a little bit hard to hear uh some of your set um which by the i could actually hear it now i'm
actually glad that a lot of people couldn't hear it. Actually, I think...
I loved it.
I loved every word of it.
I loved it.
I just really love it.
I've never seen this like this.
I'm not woke or anything, but that was low-key racist.
Man.
Your name's Toby?
Yeah.
Yes.
Did you do stand-up when it was Kunta Kinte?
Honest question.
Another super topical reference from Joel Burke tonight.
Brent, what did I tell you about reading books?
I grew up in a group home.
Group home?
I don't have a last name.
So, Toby, you just recently started stand-up?
This is my first time.
First time ever.
There you go.
Heck yeah.
That's right.
So is this something you've always wanted to do?
It's kind of becoming something.
Heck yeah.
It's kind of becoming something.
That I want to do.
Isn't that a Michael Jackson song?
So no.
It's kind of becoming something.
So what have you been doing with your life up until this point?
Well, I'm a single mom.
Single mom.
How old's your kid?
11 and 7.
11 and 7.
So you really are a single mom.
So you really have been with black guys before.
That's so cool that you talk about what you actually know.
No.
Is that true? Is that the
is your baby daddy
the 30% black guy that you were talking about?
No. Oh.
He was Hispanic.
Oh.
And that's the
dad of your children?
Correct.
And they live with you here in Los Angeles?
I mean, I live in Rancho Cucamonga.
Rancho Cucamonga.
Yeah.
Okay.
And what do you do for work?
I'm a respiratory therapist.
Respiratory therapist.
Wow.
There's some real fans of respiratory therapy over there.
We're the black sheep of the hospital.
It's the black sheep of what?
Of the hospital.
Ah, well.
Why is that?
Hey, I don't want to sound stupid, but what is that?
Help people breathe.
We help people breathe.
Yeah, but, like, that's a job?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, like, sleep apnea and stuff like that?
Or allergies?
That's part of it.
People who need, like, ventilatory support or oxygen. It seems like you could also specialize
in helping them not breathe.
You ever just let a boob pop out or something like
that and just watch a patient die?
No, not yet.
I did have one dad.
I was like facing
the patient and the guy was behind me
and I heard him say like, God,
I miss the times when you could just slap a
girl's ass.
So do I. So do I.
How does it feel to be here with him right now?
Do you wear like a, you have to wear like regular scrubs
or you have like a hot nurse outfit that you wear or something like that?
Just regular old scrubs.
All right. How long have you been doing that for?
Two years.
That is so cool.
And so that is interesting.
And you chose to start here.
You listen to the show?
I do listen to the show, yeah.
That's fun.
Yeah.
Wow.
What else about you, Toby?
It must be hard raising an 11 and a 7-year-old on your own.
What's going on, Brian?
I have my tongue in my fucking mouth over here.
Isn't she lickable?
Come on.
Did you ever give a handjob to one of the people who couldn't breathe?
Am I the only one thinking that?
Come on.
You laughed at the fact.
Now you don't want to.
Oh, wow.
So, Toby, that's a lot of fun.
You have an 11 and a 7-year-old.
Are you still single?
Yeah.
So, do you go on dates a lot?
No.
No.
Busy person.
Yeah, busy person.
So, what do you do for fun?
What's your, like, favorite hobby or something like that?
Okay, only one of those an episode for sure.
It's your thing.
So it's kind of hard to find a hobby when you have kids and a full-time job,
and that's your full life.
I just kind of work out and take my dogs for a walk.
Lately, I've just been trying to find
different things to try out. I love that.
Let's check in with Chroma Chris over there.
Yeah, it's Cody. Yeah, Cody Chris.
Cody Stevenson. Hey, if you ever wanted
to join a team, we're always looking
for a tight end.
Hey.
Fuck yes!
Hey.
Fuck yes.
Dude, suck our dicks, Red Band.
Don't stand up on your high tower with your sound effects, bitch.
Wow.
So, Toby, what are you doing?
Please have your attention.
All right, all right. So, Toby, what are the 11 and 7-year-old doing right now?
Where's our mom?
It hurts.
You don't know?
I don't know.
No, they're with their dad right now.
Oh, they're with their dad.
Heck yeah.
Why does he beat us?
I guess comedy's important.
Okay.
There's this black chick on the couch.
That's not mommy.
Okay, okay.
Wham, wham, wham, wham.
All right, all right.
Oh, my God.
Chroma Chris just did a shot of alcohol.
Are you about to bong another beer?
What is going on here? These guys
are in character. Doesn't matter. I still
have eyebrows. Oh,
come on.
Sing it like a champ.
Pour it faster,
Joel. It's a bong.
Joel,
pour the beer in there.
Man. Joel, pour the beer in there. Hey, look at that.
Oh, she swallowed it.
A little something for everybody to jerk off to later.
What a slut.
Well, Toby, I think it's so cool.
I mean, yes yes it is hard hard
hard your first time
to do this I were really not
exactly sure what even I think you
were sort of talking about but I'm sure there's something
in there somewhere maybe come back sign up
and try it again sometime
how about that did you have fun
yeah I had fun I was just a little scared
a little scared
a little scared yeah of course
you're just fine.
You're just fine.
Yeah.
It should be scary.
You're in the main room of the Comedy Store on a show where people don't know when they're
going up or if they're going up.
I think you handled it like a champ.
Fun interview.
Good set.
There you go.
Toby, everybody.
Your very first time doing stand-up comedy.
Yeah, man.
Everything's moving along smoothly.
We have a bathroom that's double gender or whatever,
what do they call it, in case anybody's not sure which bathroom. Double gender, that's it.
Gender neutral, I think they call it,
if you're not sure where you want to go.
So be careful.
Shut your fucking cell phones off, too.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?
How many of you like it when I pull somebody out of the bucket
and they do bad on this show?
Wow, look at that.
See, they like blood and guts, these people.
They're animals.
Put your hands together for your next comedian, Milan Patel.
Milan Patel.
Milan.
Here he comes.
Hey.
Hey, what's going on?
You guys good?
All right, I'm good.
I had something kind of weird happen to me today.
I don't know if it's weird.
You guys tell me what you think, all right?
I was at the grocery store,
and the lady finished checking out my items,
and then she looked at me,
and she was like, All right.
9-11. which, yeah.
You know, when you look like me, that's not what you want to hear.
That's not the weird part.
The weird part is that I looked at the screen, and that wasn't my total.
So it wasn't even that close.
My total was like $9. 57 cents so she just saw the nine
and then she looked at me and then her brain was like okay don't say 9-11 don't say 9-11 don't say
she's like all right 9-11 whoops uh-oh and like you know i know the slogan for 9-11 is never forget
but her slogan should be different her slogan should be like hey maybe let it go a little bit
carol or something like that i don't know know. Not that, but I'm done.
All right.
Yeah, look at that.
Melon Patel.
Very funny.
Funny stuff, man.
Thanks.
You've been doing stand-up a while?
A few years now.
A few years.
Yeah.
All here in Los Angeles?
No, I'm from Portland.
Portland, Oregon.
Wow.
Do you know, have you ever seen a... Hell no. No, you don't know... Whatever you're about to say, the answer is no, Oregon. Wow. Do you know, have you ever seen a... Hell no.
No, you don't know a...
Whatever you're about to say, the answer is no, dude.
You don't know Bruce Lerner?
No, I don't know Bruce Lerner.
Wow, I like your disgust about the entire situation.
I don't like this show, to be honest.
I don't like this show.
Why'd you sign up then?
I've never been here before.
I don't know what this is.
I don't know who any of these...
So why did you stick
with me here? No. Why did you sign up?
This felt like good exposure from
that one joke that I wanted
to do.
He knows me. Oh yeah, no, I do know.
I like Joel though. I like Joel a lot.
But you've never seen the show. Never seen the show.
You've never been to the show. Joel was like
come on down. You're not going to like anybody but me
but you should still come.
And he was right.
What did he say about Curtis?
Who's Curtis?
Who the fuck is Curtis?
I don't know who you are.
I don't know who...
I don't know who I am either sometimes.
What a friendly fucking guy, huh?
Yeah.
And you...
How long have you hated yourself?
Hey, hey, you let me talk.
Hey, fuck you.
No, fuck you.
Fuck me, fuck you.
Fuck me, fuck you. You shut the fuck up Fuck me, fuck you. Fuck me, fuck you.
Fuck me, fuck you.
I'll fucking, I'll fucking.
Yeah, I'll put you in my pocket and jack you.
Hey, you go.
You go.
You go.
You say what you want to say.
Go ahead, my.
No, you go.
Mitch.
Foreign friend.
Milan.
You look like you moved here from Sicily like yesterday.
That's what you look like.
Nailed it.
You're killing it, Milan.
I know I'm killing it, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting the love that I want right now.
Wait, can I just say, we really liked you until you just started saying that you didn't like any of us.
I know.
You seem very self-destructive, Milan. You get what you put out. You get what you put out. Listen, I know, I know. You seem very self-destructive, Milan.
You get what you put out.
You get what you put out.
Listen, I got defensive.
Dude, we're going to...
I got defensive.
I got defensive.
Dude, I don't want to have to do this,
but you're going in a locker right now, man.
My goodness.
So, Milan, the show clearly angers you.
I like how I'm getting bullied by a guy with a saxophone right now.
I'm about to fucking kill you, dude.
See, I like this guy again.
Yeah.
I love it.
This is what you got to do.
You got to come up here.
You got to wave your, you know, your, I don't know.
Sorry.
You got to just be funny.
It's good.
Just out of curiosity, how far east of here were you performing when you made friends with this
guy, Joel Burke? Pretty fucking far, actually.
Silver Lake? Yep, exactly. You nailed it.
There you go. Alright. I could
fucking tell. Why?
Why did you say that? Because it's half-written jokes
and a bad attitude.
I've been doing this for 12
years, dude.
And I know fucking
Silver Lake fucking half-sized dorks when I see them.
I just wanted to do this so I could just say I don't like anything there, you know?
Exactly.
You're too hip for a show that you signed up for.
That's inexcusable.
But I did good on the show, so what does that say?
I don't know, man.
You did, but it was cutie pie. And it was only 35 seconds.
It was a 9-11 joke.
And then you stretched it for another 20.
Like, ooh, wow, it wasn't even the thing.
Bibbidi-boop.
You just kept going after the thing, after the two main things.
You got two laughs in 60 seconds.
And then you just floundered for 15.
I've never heard the term 9-11 and cutie pie in the same sentence.
Well, that's because you only perform on the east side of Los Angeles.
If you came out to where all the
paid comedians perform, you would
see a lot of jokes that you've
never seen before. I have gotten paid.
Oh, you have? Very good.
What type of tea bags did they pay you
in down there?
Was it Earl Grey or chamomile
or perhaps a free smoothie
and a pancake?
Anyway, I'll let you go, though,
since you're a miserable little fool.
Well, thank you, guys.
I actually did have a lot of fun.
Oh, well, in that case, I fucking liked your set.
No, I'm kidding.
I did have a good time.
Can I just say, I was rooting for you the whole time.
Thanks, man.
Me too.
I was too, Milan. We all liked you until you specifically said you the whole time. Thanks, man. Me too. Me too. I was too, Milan.
We all liked you until you specifically said you didn't like the show.
Then we all have to defend our thrones.
This is going to make open mics really awkward for me.
No, I like Joel.
We heard you the first time.
What about Curtis?
Who's Curtis?
I don't know who that is.
There was no reason to make fun of me.
There really was no reason to make fun of me. There really was no reason to make fun of me.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
Can I just say to everybody here?
Shut up.
Can I just say one thing?
Go ahead.
Can I just say one thing?
I am sorry, okay?
I am sorry for my attitude.
And I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry.
Very good.
You're such a badass, Milan.
So impressive.
I hope that helps you sleep at night.
There he goes, Milan Patel, everybody.
Thanks.
There you go.
Milan Patel.
Now on to a guy who does like the show, can perform anywhere, can get laughs anywhere.
Hilarious.
He's a regular on this show.
Writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.
And we love him.
He's very unorthodox, very, very wild.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for one of my favorite Young Rising comedians,
the great William Montgomery, everybody.
Hey.
I'm crazy for feeling.
Come on, people.
Make some fucking noise for William.
I had to tell my daughter
for the first time last week,
I'm not teaching your ass
how to roll a blade.
So I'm a pretty big boobs guy.
Whenever I'm on my calculator
I'm spelling out boobs.
I don't know if y'all have ever actually seen Dracula pee,
but I haven't.
He drinks all that blood. So I have an idea for a t-shirt.
It just has text on it.
Not all who have big hands are good at magic. I just, it scares me.
I've discovered the Cracker Barrel Kid 55.
He's getting a bunch of views on YouTube.
It's scary.
Are you Cracker Beryl kid 55
how about a hand for William Montgomery everybody that's a set tonight
hell yeah William William William welcome welcome welcome how are you buddy so much
I've been better. Yeah, why?
Why have you been better?
I almost got fired from work today.
Yeah, what happened?
I was talking to a man.
There's a bunch of mentally ill people who have storage units.
Yeah, he works at a self-storage unit.
For those of you that don't know, he's the one that sells the units.
There's basically three sizes, two small and then regular and then a really five five by ten ten by thirty yeah ten by thirty is like 500 bucks
mentally ill do you mean like homeless people they because there's a lot of homeless people
that live in storage units is that true yeah no there was a man today he goes uh to the bathroom
a couple times a day he's in there like 30 minutes he seems strange i was
talking to i had opened up the store today at 8 30 and and i started talking to him he said he
was an angel at one point he said he had a crooked penis he called it some disease i can't remember
basically my boss came in though it was like William, why are you talking to this guy?
Yeah.
And I was like, well, it's a friend of mine.
You lied and said that it was a friend of yours to your boss?
I did.
And she started yelling at me.
I was sitting behind the computer,
and at one point in time, she was like,
you're just clicking on the mouse all day long.
I know you're playing that balloons tower defense game.
And I was just like,
what the fuck are you talking about, bitch?
I can't read.
What else do you want me to do on the computer?
Were you really playing the balloons game?
Not at the time, but I do play it a lot.
I don't know how to read.
Like, what do I do at that job?
It's my first assistant manager gig.
Is that really true that you don't know how to read?
It is.
Can you give this a shot?
Can you plug some of Brian's social media information?
Don't fuck up, dude.
How is it going?
My name is Brian Holtzman.
Wow, you really can't read.
That's pretty amazing.
No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's incredible.
Wow.
So you're going to be working at a self-storage unit for the rest of your life.
The first straight guy all night long.
I think there's gay guys that don't know how to read.
Brian, I was
wondering, I've been watching you
from the back.
Are you going to ask him if he just moved from
Sicily?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa!
He was fucked up. Brian, do, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. He was fucked up.
That was so, so fucked up.
Brian, do you know how to swim?
Oh, I do.
Yeah, sure.
What the fuck?
What do you think?
Yes.
William, are you okay?
That's what I was...
You seem like maybe you didn't sleep last night or maybe you're dehydrated or something.
Is everything okay?
It's not.
What's going on with you?
I literally earlier today got fired from my job.
You got fired?
Yes.
You said you got into an argument.
You didn't say that.
And we were talking about that girl with the weed delivery business.
I don't have her number.
Yeah, I specifically.
Who is that?
We got to find her.
There was a couple that was here.
A fun fact for you last week.
After the show, they come up and they take a picture, right, with me,
and then you're right there, and they go,
William, we have an opportunity for you.
We want to hire you to work for us.
You can make your own schedule.
We're such a big fan that you can literally make your own schedule.
It's $22 an hour, and you get tips. You can just work for Speedweed, though. You can make your own schedule it's 22 an hour and you get tips and uh you can just work for
speed we go make your own okay and i was like i can't read bitch are you gino are you just
i'm sure gino's like well we're not hiring you and i was like well i mean it's the the 21st century You're really telling me an able-bodied person, I can't be hired because I can't read.
William, William, stick with me here.
So they tell him this, $22 an hour plus tips.
They go, you can make your own schedule.
We'll give you off any time you want for gigs or whatever.
And I go, William, you heard it.
Get exchange information.
And then I followed up with you.
You literally didn't get their number.
I didn't.
And now a week later, here we are, and you got fired from your job.
And there's just a job out there waiting for you.
You could probably start tomorrow.
Tony, this is probably my last episode.
I'm moving back to Memphis.
I don't believe that for a fucking second.
That's my least favorite lie you've ever
told on this show.
I'm going to get big into
gambling on the dogs at Southland
Greyhound Park.
I'm going to teach in an inner
city school in Memphis, English,
maybe 8th grade.
How are you going to teach English if you don't know how to
read, William?
It's quite the conundrum.
And you don't even know what that word means.
I'm trying to picture read in my head.
Yeah, I don't know what those letters look like.
Are they numbers?
No, they're not numbers.
They're letters.
Wow.
Well, William, another fun new minute.
When I was on the road, I saw your new, what's that called?
Comics.
Comic routines.
Comic routines.
And they covered you.
They did a cool little in-depth, really great production quality,
in-depth thing.
And I was laughing out loud hysterically,
especially when your stomach made that noise.
Yeah, was that real, that stomach noise?
It was.
I really, really, really highly recommend
fans of the show, the thousands of people
perhaps watching live right now,
if you get a chance this evening,
look up comic routines.
On YouTube, me, Jeremiah, William have them.
Comic space routines, look up everybody's.
Yeah, Joel, Jeremiah, William. Malcolm. And yes,, have them. Comic space routines. Look up everybody's. Yeah, Joel, Jeremiah, William.
Malcolm.
And yes, all of them.
And also I'll say this is that I found,
because YouTube recommended to me down a rabbit hole right after that,
and there was a 12-minute clip that was called
William Montgomery Clips Savage Moments.
And I went down this rabbit hole.
I'm like, 12-minute clip.
All right, let's see how this thing starts.
And it sort of starts.
It looks like a boxing reel sort of.
And it was mind-blowing.
I watched the entire 12 minutes
and it reminded me of exactly how big of a fan I am of yours
and how much I enjoy having you on this show.
To get to see you in your early days, pre-beer.
I just want to give it up for my old next-door neighbor.
I gave my literal parents a dress last week.
I want to give it up for Asghar Kalani.
He worked on Elvis Presley.
Asghar, do you want to stand up?
Asghar, do you want to stand up?
Are you talking to someone right now?
Asghar, you with the arm.
Stand up, please. Stand up. Is that Asghar? Stand up, you with the arm, stand up, please.
Stand up. Is that Asgard?
Stand up, Asgard.
Let's give it up for Asgard Kalani, y'all.
You worked on Elvis.
I saw you outside in the line.
What the fuck are you doing
here?
Get out! Get out!
Come on, how about one more time for the great, the powerful, the William Montgomery, everybody.
Two dollars and a button to William Montgomery.
I love you, William.
There he goes.
We're running out of time.
What do you guys think?
One more time into the bucket, huh?
I don't know.
Nobody in the upper deck is even making any noise back there.
I don't know.
All right.
We'll do it anyway.
One more time.
One more.
How about another hand for Brian Holtzman?
What an episode.
How about another hand for Brian Holtzman?
What an episode.
I feel a little bit loopy because the blood is all stuck up in my head from laughing so goddamn hard.
Brian, do you play any instruments?
Do you ever play any musical instruments?
Tambourine.
Oh, really?
Wow.
You could be the new tambourine guy.
I can play a real one.
You could be a retard and play the tambourine.
Yeah.
I love it.
I pull another name out of the bucket.
Put your hands together for Mina Q, everybody.
Mina Q, your final comedian of the night.
An elite member of the Apollo 13.
One more time for Mina Q.
Mina Q.
There are not enough black people here for everything
I was going to say. Let's just
start there.
I'm gayer than I look.
I've been gay since dial-up internet, so
this is my life now. This is what I'm doing.
I don't know any of you guys,
so I'll let you know in a little secret.
I just got out of a pretty abusive relationship.
But I realized when I got out,
I didn't even really have a problem with domestic violence.
I figured, why can't people who hit people
just find other people who want to get hit?
I don't understand.
So we don't have an app for that yet?
Really, really, really tender?
Okay, stupid? stupid plenty of fists
so none of those exist I got it I got it
plenty of fists always sounds like a very aggressive gay app though
I don't want to be on that one for sure
alright my name is Mina Q thank you so much
heck yeah Mina Q everybody
one of our favorite members of the Apollo 13.
She's here every single week.
Signs up every single week.
I do.
Fun times.
And you are a black lesbian.
I am.
Heck yeah.
It's true.
Three fucking straight people on this fucking show.
I love it.
Change the title to the Freaks Tony Freak Show.
Well, let me be clear.
Fuck!
Can anybody have sex traditionally?
Is everybody a freak?
You're too beautiful to be a carpet munching.
Oh, my God.
Vacuum the carpet.
Don't munch it, bitch.
Fun fact.
It's a phase.
She'll grow out of it.
It's a fucking phase.
Brian normally doesn't go on stage before 1230 a.m. here at the Comedy Store.
I don't know if I mentioned that.
He usually closes the show following 15 months.
It's still good to be a dyke.
Oh, my God.
I'll be honest.
I'm not gay like that.
I just like fucking these bitches.
It's a very hard line in the sand.
I'm not political.
It's a different thing.
Your emotions aren't involved.
I'm not talking.
Yeah.
It's just your tongue and your pussy.
Yeah, that's it.
I love it.
That is so cool.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
About eight years.
Eight years.
That is so cool.
All of it here in Los Angeles?
I've kind of traveled around a little bit.
Yeah.
But mostly here.
A lot here.
I'm like, we'll travel.
Where have you traveled to?
Anywhere?
Well, I'm from Atlanta,
so I've done stand-up out there and
Cleveland and some up
north. Oh, very cool. Very cool.
How do you make a living?
I am a...
I don't do that.
I work at a restaurant.
Oh, cool.
You work at a restaurant. That's interesting
because you like eating out a lot.
That's fun.
I do.
I do.
Made it a career.
Mina, I love it.
What do you like to do for fun?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
I'm kind of simple.
I just like making ridiculous videos.
Jasmine and I make videos all the time.
You know Jasmine. Yeah, yeah. I just like making ridiculous videos. Jasmine and I make videos all the time. You know Jasmine.
Yeah, yeah.
I follow you guys on Instagram.
I follow both of you.
Two of the people that I follow.
Yeah, you guys do make crazy videos.
Yeah, we have fun together.
Yeah, of course.
How long have you two known each other?
Oh, we've known each other for like a year now.
You guys ever hook up?
Or no?
No.
You guys are both like tops or something like that, right?
No, Jasmine is straight.
Believe it or not. Really?
I don't believe that at all for a second.
That's a fag.
That's kind of a fag haircut.
That's a freak haircut.
Who the fuck's cutting your hair?
We should put a disclaimer
on this video
to only watch after 1230.
Or if you were born
before 1950.
I mean,
with that haircut,
you're about as straight as a blade.
So Wesley Snipes,
blade joke,
nobody? Okay.
Somebody got HBO 20 years ago.
Dude, I'll bully this audience. Anyway, so Samina, all right. Heck yeah. Somebody got HBO 20 years ago. Oh, my God. Dude, I'll bully this audience.
Anyway, so, Samina, fun times.
You live by yourself?
No, with Jasmine.
Oh, you guys are roommates.
Oh, that's fun.
That's cool.
And a few other people.
Oh, okay.
Heck yeah.
What part of town do you live in?
In Northridge.
So, the Valley.
Wow, Northridge.
8-1-8.
Heck yeah.
Northridge is what?
Like 30, 40 minutes north?
It's like 25.
Yes.
There you go.
Without traffic, 25, 30.
The late, great Brody Stevens.
Enjoy it.
Representing the Valley.
We just got word that our friend over at Rockin' Pins, Mauricio, went to one of the big parks in the valley
went to a baseball field
found a bench
and they're going to dedicate that bench to Brody
Stevens
that's our friend Mauricio
at Rockin' Pins
you get a Death Squad pin
a Kill Tony pin, a Tony Hinchcliffe pin
what park is that? Is it Reseda Park?
yeah I think so it's Reseda Park? Yeah, I think so.
It's Reseda Park.
Left field.
And you can check out.
You can sit on Brody.
Heck yeah.
There you go.
Wow.
So, Mina, any other fun facts about you?
Do your parents know that you're into the ladies?
Yes.
Everybody knows now.
I mean, I've been dating women for like 15 years.
Who was the hardest person to come out to?
I've been dating women for like 15 years.
Who was the hardest person to come out to?
I think my aunt, only because she's like very religious.
Yeah.
So I didn't think that was going to go over well.
How did it go?
You know, for some reason when you come out, you feel like emotional about it.
I was like, okay, I'm going to bring somebody home for Thanksgiving.
And we're dating and she's a woman and she was like
okay yeah you know
but she was very nice when she met her
and now nobody cares and then she hung up the phone and said
a hundred Hail Marys
yeah basically but now everybody's cool
nobody really gives me any you know shit about it
that's so cool I'm curious
you're saying that you
like women
what would the color of your dildo be You're saying that you like women.
What would the color of your dildo be?
That's a good question. I don't know if this is...
This could be all color.
I don't mean...
No, I have two.
I have two dildos.
Are they white or are they black?
Are they...
They're neither...
Milango?
I'm just curious.
Nobody's curious.
Actually, I'm curious.
No, I'm curious.
I'm the only one who wants to know what color the dildos are. No, I want to know. Come on. What the fuck? Why do I feel like I'm curious. I'm the only one who wants to know what color the dildos are.
No, I want to know.
Come on, what the fuck?
Why do I feel like I'm the fucking...
The man, one...
I agree.
I want to know the colors of the dildos.
You guys want to know the colors of her dildos.
So I have two dildos.
One of them, the first one I bought,
is like...
I call it the infinity dick because it has
it's like the color of all the stones
you remember Thanos' hand it's like that
color so that's the infinity dick
and that one's big it's a big thick one
and then I have another one that's blue
and that one is just like you know
people who can't handle the bigger one
so you don't go for colors of people
no I don't really want
a big black dick
or I'd be with one probably.
How about a medium white one
or a little yellow one?
I definitely don't want those.
No, I'm okay.
I want some colors
in the middle of the tone here.
Size doesn't matter, okay?
It does not.
You're right.
Not to me.
Not to me.
So you have your own
homecoming, huh?
I have my own what?
Homecoming? Yeah. Why? What does, huh? I have my own what? Homecoming?
Yeah.
Why?
What does that mean?
I don't.
Cody.
I come by myself at home.
Oh.
Right?
Yeah.
I think so.
Dude, it was a homecoming joke, bro.
I got it.
All right, Pauly Shore.
Thank you.
I love it.
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You're absolutely right, she is beautiful and I
loved your set very fun
and I love
I especially love you and Jasmine's
loyalty here every single Monday
always brings a smile to my face
you guys Aphrodite
Abraham I guess
right
Jared A. Morose every single week since the belly room back there.
It's always fun to see the regulars.
Rick Cossack, Kiel, everybody.
So thank you so much.
Amina Q, everybody.
She's got two bucks and a button.
That's for sure.
How loud can this place get for his first ever appearance on Kill Tony?
The great Brian Holtzman, everybody.
Come on.
Hell yeah.
You be sure to follow him at Holtzman Brian on Twitter,
Brian Holtzman on Facebook,
BrianHoltzman.com,
and Brian Holtzman on Instagram.
That's B-R-I-A-N-H-O-L-T-Z-M-A-N.
As you found out today, he, wow.
Look at that comic book style.
Look at you up there.
Wow, that is incredible.
Ryan, make sure you show that to camera.
How about another hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody?
Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube.
Jeremiah's stand-up on social media.
He is
going on
tour with Reagan and Watkins. The new
Reagan and Watkins album is available now
at ReaganandWatkins.com.
Where are you going? Tell us about the gigs you have coming up.
Yeah.
June 28th, Reagan and Watkins
will be headlining in San Diego
and then July
18th will be a stand-up live in Phoenix,
and Joel Berg will be with us.
And then July 20th, Saturday,
in Huntington Beach at the Rec Room,
William Montgomery and Joel Jimenez
will be opening for us down there.
And then check out the new episode of Jeremiah Wonders
with Dean Del Rey this week,
and follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand-Up.
Thank you.
Wow.
Gets longer and longer every single week.
How about another hand for Chroma Chris, everybody?
Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode?
Too many feds.
Oh, my God.
Varsity blew my mind, Tony.
Hey.
It shouldn't have gone to overtime.
Hey, how about one more time for the great Joelberg Joel Jimenez?
Come on, people.
We got the chance going for you.
He's at Mostly Sorry on social media.
Anything else, Joel?
Shout out to Ludwig.
I think Brian is going to be an instant fan favorite.
What a great episode.
We love you guys.
Have a good night.
Heck, yeah. We love you,. Have a good night. Heck yeah.
We love you, Brian Holtzman.
So much fucking fun.
We're back on the road this week.
New York.
We're going to Poughkeepsie, New York City, and Skankfest.
And then we're back next Monday with a very special secret guest.
And we love you, live audience.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Brian?
Hey, I'll be in San Diego August 17th.
Headlining, so check that out.
Hell yeah.
See ya.
Heck yeah.
See ya.
See ya.
See ya.ご視聴ありがとうございましたYou You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You I'm not going to lie.