KILL TONY - KILL TONY #368 - POUGHKEEPSIE

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/19/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at the world famous comedy store every Monday, but we are on the road. July 10th will be in Plano, Texas at the Hyenas.

July 11th, Fort Worth, Texas. July 25th will be in Philadelphia at the Fillmore Theater. And July 26th will be in Pittsburgh. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out that for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode, he makes posters, he made the book. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe and Kill Tony. Check out Kill Tony t-shirts, Death Squad hats and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hello, Poughkeepsie. Make some fucking noise. Wow.

We really did it this time. Brian Redband's here, everybody. We will do anything to do more episodes of this show, even Poughkeepsie, New York. Why should we settle for two crazy shows tomorrow at the Gramercy when we can squeeze every last drop out of this week-long trip to New York?

Yes. Sure, we'll drive an hour and a half north to whatever the fuck this is. This is some crazy show. For those of you listening to the podcast, very small stage. Everything is packed absolutely tight. I'm going to be way closer to these

fucking human beings than I want to be tonight. This is frightening. And if we just take one inch this way, we're going to fall backwards. Yeah, there's no back to this stage. Anything can happen. Do not fucking touch me. Nobody. Not a single one of you, even if

you're desperate and everything is going terrible, don't fucking touch me. And if anybody touches me, I'm going to throw you in the Hudson River. Now, that actually sounds nice. That sounds like a reward. If you live here in Poughkeepsie, it seems like that would be a good way to go. Tony Hinchcliffe killed him. He drowned him in the Hudson River. Very exciting stuff.

We are here in New York. We just landed today from Los Angeles, California. And I want to let you know that we do still have tickets available for the 10 p.m. show tomorrow night. If anybody wants a little inside information,

and those of you listening to the podcast will know this already, because it'll probably be uploaded right around now. But we just added, I found out, probably right when doors opened up, you may have heard me screaming, fuck yes, from that back room because we literally just found out about our secret guest tomorrow night at 10 p.m.

It'll be his first time ever on Kill Tony. I'm just giving you a little inside information. I'm just being nice to you guys right now, you fucking 180 schlubs that made it here tonight. I'm giving you inside information that if you happen to have the fucking energy and money and time tomorrow at 10pm, there's

still tickets available for what will be I mean literally we're so fucking pumped about this episode. There's also a 7pm show that's sold out. But the 10pm is still available and the secret guest is only going to be at the 10pm. We'll also a 7 p.m. show that's sold out, but the 10 p.m. is still available, and the secret guest is only going to be at the 10 p.m. We'll have a secret guest for the 7 p.m. too, but this secret guest is only going to be on the 10 p.m.

So that's very exciting. You don't want to say who it is? It's not live streamed, so it doesn't really matter. Really? Should I tell them? I think you should. But they might post about it. These people can't keep their fucking mouth shut. So what?

These people are all like Tawana Brawley up here. You know what I mean? They'll fucking... It's definitely one of the biggest people we've ever had on the show. Yeah, it is. It's truly one of my favorite comedians. It is Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez's favorite comedian in the world. So, you know, yeah, just do it.

I don't need to tell you who the fuck it is. You'll end up finding out. If you have the balls, you'll just buy a fucking ticket. You'll make the goddamn drive and we'll see you there. I love the movie Aladdin. Okay, Brian, you're an idiot. I mean, you're just, sometimes you just boggle my mind.

Don't shake your big leg like that either. It moves the entire stage. We have a show in Philadelphia at the Fillmore July 25th, very exciting. Kill Tony Mania, still on pace. Sacramento and San Francisco for October and some other fun stuff.

Fort Worth, Texas has already sold out before we announced it. And we just added a show in Plano right before that. Plano, Kill Tony for the first time over the day before Fort Worth. That's, I think, July 10th or July 11th, one of those two.

Which brings me to now. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, of course could not make it. However, he did send along some, you'll be the first to get a chance at them, the New York leg of posters, which features everyone, all your favorite castmates of the show.

And we'll be selling those right after the show and signing them for you and taking pictures with you. You guys excited to be here or what? There's no guests for this show. As always on every road show, we go guestless. Except for tomorrow night, 10 p.m. Tickets still available. However, we do have a band, ladies and gentlemen. We were able to bring them with us.

You'll never believe who it is. It's shocking. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters and staying in character. I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Sometimes it's a brand new character. Sometimes it's the return of one of our favorite characters that we've ever seen before. Anything can happen. They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy.

Let's see how loud this place can get for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Buffalo Soldier. This should be interesting. Wait a second. Wait, what is this? Wait a second. Wait, what is this? Wait a second.

What? Wait a second. What? Wait. Are these bisons? Oh, my God. This is incredible. This is the first time they've ever been on this show.

I can't believe you are debuting a wild new character here in lucky Poughkeepsie, New York I don't know if you guys know about any of our road trips that we've taken but I saw a bison on the way from Salt Lake City to Boise

these guys swear it was a cow none of them have eyesight as good of mine nor were they looking where I was looking when I first saw them. They swear they were cows that we've made a long-running joke about it, even though in retrospect I went and researched where bison exist. It just so happens to be right between

Salt Lake City and Boise, Idaho. But it must have been my imagination, but here we are with two bison, everybody. They're here. For those of you listening to the podcast, these are straight-up cow uniforms from head to toe. They have hats with little strings that attach on. They have udders.

Look how big those are. My goodness. Look at those fucking bangers. And I'm not even excited yet. What's your name, Head Bison? Phil. Phil? Alright. Hell yeah.

And how about you? Guy who looks like he took the strangest way to sneak in from Mexico? Just a cow. No need to check my papers. Moo. Moo. I'm an American bison, Tony.

My name is Jimmus. Jimmus? That's right. So, okay. What? Hell yeah. Great American bison. I have to write these down to remember them.

This is so exciting. Look, someone made us this bucket, everybody. How fucking cool is that? That's great. This is someone in Poughkeepsie. Oh, and it's actually from Disney. They didn't even leave a name or anything. Just a secret admirer.

Very, very cool. Very exciting. And we have the band. We have Red Band and the Bucket of Destiny. If I pull your name out of this bucket, you get 60 seconds on this stage. You know how it works. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring

out the angry Poughkeepsie primetime bear. Is that the right reference? The primetime bear? Yeah. There was many arguments in the back about what the gayest part of Poughkeepsie is. Everybody just kept saying, every part is the gayest part of Poughkeepsie.

Then I asked what the trashiest part of Poughkeepsie was. They're like, it's two blocks away, dude. I'm like, what's the black part of Poughkeepsie? Two blocks away. Is there anywhere where there's any prostitutes? Two blocks away. To get on the stage, also, there's a little stool here.

Just don't touch us when you get on stage. Yep. Yep. Brian is fully dialed in. Be hard to touch you. They'd have to literally reach over me. Yes. At which point, I would throw them in the Hudson River. This is very exciting.

Everything feels absolutely perfect in here. You guys excited about this? Poughkeepsie. P-O-U-G-H-K-E-E-P-S-I-E. Yes. I mean, you have to be

a special type of person to just stop here. You know what I mean? To just like, ah, this is close enough to the greatest city in the world. I'm just going to stop here. Hour and a half. Let's just fucking do it. Raise a fucking family. Hang out with my buddies from high school and just die slowly.

You know what I mean? I'm excited to see what type of people we meet here and pull out of this bucket. So let's fucking start this thing, right? It's the first ever Poughkeepsie Kill Tony. One night only. Forever and ever. You will drive to New York City from now on. But tonight is our night.

You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? Here we go. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for your first comedian. He goes by the name of, alright, Colin Kaepernick. This is retarded already. We're starting off with a bang. Oh, it's a real guy. Here he comes.

There is a human coming to the stage how's it going everyone one more time for colin everybody hi everyone uh please don't let the rain clouds fool you it is still wedding season in the hudson valley uh as a musician it's very exciting i get to go make a little extra skrill. But you also become very aware of how creepy weddings are. Just all of them. Blanket. And you don't have to look very hard. You find My Little Pony themed weddings and Star Wars weddings and Game of Thrones weddings.

And I'm pretty sure that's when you kiss the bride and then you take your sister back to the hotel room. But no one beats it like a straight up catholic wedding i drove down to my cousins and it's at the first church of his most precious blood uh i put a condom on under my pants just to be rebellious uh but uh you go in there pastor spends half the time talking about the woman's place in the relationship and the other half with some very uh surprisingly non-relatable anecdotes from the bible like job was laying in bed one night and he turned to his wife and said sister wow there you go colin cappernick is that your real name no it is not tony Just out of curiosity, why are you going by the name Colin Kaepernick? Because I'm running for office in my town, and I have to be a little reserved.

You're running for office in your town. Yes, I am. I'm guessing that town is, what, 50 minutes north of here? Maybe, yes. Wow, that is exciting no I could tell because that's fucking crazy that you're running for office in whatever town that is I can't imagine what kind of hillbilly bumpkin

bullshit town that must be and I'm just guessing doing the math seems like there'd be more important cities like an hour and a half two hours north here but right in that fucking middle I could just picture a fucking, like a washed-up fucking 37-year-old running for office. Yeah, yeah.

No, and believe it or not, I do bring the average age of the politician in my town down by about three decades. No, I love it, I love it. And you're running for what, mayor? Town councilman. Town councilman. And what are some of your proposed things that you're going to provide for? Well, there's... Can you give us a ballpark of the population?

7,000. 7,000. Heck yeah. Very good. You want to hear my platform? Yeah, I do. I want to hear your platform. I've already heard your comedy.

I don't want to hear that again. I'd much rather hear your political view. Fair enough. We're a small town, but we do have a huge, huge amount of tourism. One of the things that's been taken over a lot in the Hudson Valley is Airbnbs.

People are allowed to rent their homes out without living there. Residential areas are becoming little ghost towns where no one lives anymore. And I'd like to see that end, Tony. One of your proposals to be

town councilman is to end localized Airbnb? No, just the people who don't live there full time. Because we have a lot of problems with trash, noise disturbances. The police are acting a lot like hotel

security. And it's the people that are staying at the Airbnbs are the ones doing this? Well, when I knock doors, I always hear a story about oh yeah, that Airbnb down the block. They're blasting music into the night and all this stuff. It's not my...

But how is it possible that everybody that stays at an Airbnb would be blasting music? Like everybody, it's a different person that gets it, right? Oh, no. I mean. If it's the same house blasting music, it's probably not the Airbnb. Well, the whole thing is that these are the ones where there's no one actually living there full time. So the people who would be policing their own home are no longer there to do that.

Wow. And you want to end that. So what that would do is that would end, that would minimize the tourism that you're talking about, right? Where would those people stay? And I do promise there are much more. Your first idea literally shrinks your economy.

No, this is fun. This is good because I'm not really a comedian, and so punching up my politics is probably the best way to go about this. I love it. Let's do it. We'll go through all of them. I want to hear what you think about black people next. That's what he means when he says people blasting music. Airbnb.

And by B&B, I mean blacks and bisons. You know what I'm saying? We need to get rid of these Airbnbs and these Air Jordans. Am I right, people? No, but my platform is basically, I've been pressured to whittle it down to two

words, and it all comes down to community first. If we've had anything emblematic nationally over the past several decades, it's just the idea of putting capital before people. People want money, though. See, you're missing out on this thing. Putting capital before people. But people want to make money. Oh, I want to make money, too, but I'd also like permanent shelter.

Permanent shelter. Wouldn't we all? In the place where I was raised, no less. Say that again, Bison? I said, wouldn't we all like permanent shelter? He's a Bison. He lives outside all the time. If you want to keep talking about the small town politics, I will continue to bore you.

What do you think about abortion or black abortion? It's two different issues. This is why I didn't share my real name. I'm all for it. Good thing your face isn't on this. Yeah, that guy's not a video podcast on YouTube. I guess I took that for granted. I've only listened to the podcast over the last several years.

And I just have to say I'm a huge fan of what you guys do. I think it's wonderful. It's like a traveling TV show. All right, you got our vote. You got our vote. But you are pro-choice, right? Absolutely. Is there anything else about your policies that we'd be surprised to know about you?

Yeah, if I was to vote for you, what are you going to do for bison? Well, I've already pretty much cut you entirely out of my diet for the most part. Yeah? How is that? Well, what I'm casually referring to is a grocery store vegetarian. It's raining down. Yes. Yeah, a lot of dick, you know. Yeah, that's what...

But yeah, I just try my best to not buy meat at the grocery store. Where do you get your meat from? On a special occasion, a restaurant. That's about it. Special occasion, a restaurant. Have you ever had any bison milk before? Good question. Have you had

bison milk before? Not yet. Would you like to try some right now? Annie up, I guess. How many of you want to see this guy suck the bison's tit real fast? Leg up. Here we go. It's coming.

Come on. Put your mouth on it. Shove it in there. Oh, he chickened out at the end. Do I have to finish myself off? I don't know where you... I'm sorry. You're doing it right. Look at that. He's taking the red band approach

To finishing himself off That's how you do it Give it up Alright Alright Come already Jesus I just don't know

Where that udder Got rented from Is also Oh my goodness Well community first Right That's it Hell yeah

Just not the black community That one was not me For people listening To the podcast It was definitely him I do promise there are more interesting less dry things about me than that

that I can share more about if you want to know them I love it I mean that's really interesting stuff but we already spent a bunch of time with you because we never get to talk with someone running for a small town councilman is there anything else that you feel like the craziest thing about you that we should all know talk with someone running for a small town town councilman just gotta get out there and do it is there anything else that you feel like the most you know the craziest thing about you that we

should all know um well um i i just have a bunch of hobbies i'm kind of like the least interesting yet most interesting that's why i was ending it dude and you're like there's a bunch of other stuff interesting about me i'm like what he's like i's like, ah, that's it. I love to build guitars. I keep bees. I live on a mountain. I play bluegrass. And if you are thinking about running for office or you want to yell at someone who is, you should really do that. Because there's not a lot of time.

Very good. Very good. That's great. It got weird there at the end. I love that. Where do you keep bees? I do. You keep bees.

Is that what you call black people? Hey, come on. We're trying to make this guy out to be a racist here tonight. That's our goal. I'd like to just preface. My running mate is black. Oh, wow. Jeez Louise.

This guy will do anything for the vote. And gay. He's black and gay? Yeah. Oh, my God. My best friend's a gay black bison. Wow. Black and gay.

Good luck winning that election. I know a lot of towns with 7,000 people that are like, oh, I'd love a candidate that's both black and gay. No, we're not. It's funny. It's the opposite when you go further north. The further, further north you go, it gets actually more and more like that.

I love it. There he goes. Colin Kaepernick, everybody. On to the next one. Vote for him, man. E-I-E-I-O. Yeah. And on that farm he had a pig.

E-I-E-I motherfucking O. Yes. From that ledge, my friend. Yeah. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some fucking noise for Nicole Pressler, everybody. Place goes crazy for Nicole Pressler. I'm going to sit this.

For love, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. Here she is, Nicole Pressler. Won't do that. Hell yeah. I didn't know if I was going to make it here today, guys. I was feeling a little under the weather. I have a bun in the oven, or that's what I've been calling my recurrent yeast infections now. I did have a bun in the oven,

though. That's why you see all this excess baby weight. She's six. And my daughter, like, she killed everything. She killed my bladder. I pee myself all the time. I pee myself if I sneeze, if I cough. I'm peeing myself right now. Hope it doesn't get on you. But even worse, I pee myself in the bedroom. The down and dirty time.

But ladies, I have a tip for you. If you pee yourself in the bedroom and you call. But ladies, I have a tip for you. If you pee yourself in the bedroom and you call it squirting, the guys love it. Yeah. And, all right, woo! Fuck yeah. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Nicole Pressler, ladies and gentlemen. Heck yeah. One of my favorite characters from Nickelodeon's Wild and Crazy Kids. Let's check in with Phil. Can I just say it's nice to have another bison on stage? I love it. Nicole, you have great fucking jokes, man.

How long have you been doing stand-up for? About two years. I was just going to say at least a couple years. Hell yeah. I mean, just great. Great delivery. So likable. Right in the pocket.

And look at you. You're just a fucking little fucking ball of fun, aren't you? Jiggle pop. Wow, hell yeah, you're loud as fuck too. If they scream, they cream. You're like the little girl from Monsters, Inc. if she was raised by the monsters. Yeah, Nicole, I'm really excited about this. Me too.

I don't know if you know this, Nicole, but we have a running game on this show, and now is the time where I ask you, what is in that fanny pack? Nicole, what do you do for work? I'm actually a commercial insurance agent. Wow, what kind of do for work? I'm actually a commercial insurance agent. Wow.

What kind of commercials? Arby's? Yes, part-time Arby's. Definitely for sure. I love food. Yeah, I don't know if I'm pregnant or just full still. Commercial insurance. That is so interesting. I've never met anybody in the CIA before.

Do you really pee yourself all the time? Oh, no, that's so true. It's so bad. I have to plan my pee break. Do you put paper towels down there so it won't dribble out? No, I just change my pants and wash them a lot. This is the happiest Red Band has ever been during the pandemic. This is Red Band hitting the Powerball.

Literally. Look at you. Hey, commercial insurance. I fucking love it. This is Red Band hitting the Powerball. Literally. Look at you. Hey. Commercial insurance. I fucking love it. You deal with a lot of people's bullshit all day? Oh, God. It's so bad.

How long you been doing that for? About nine years now. You from here in Poughkeepsie? Hyde Park. It's close to here. It's still shit. Heck yeah. Yeah.

You call it Hyde Park because that's what all the kids do when they see you coming down this street? That sounds about right. I love it. You're adorable. You really have a six-year-old girl? Yes. And that's your only child? Yep.

That's so fun. You still with the baby daddy? Oh, God. He's complicated. Oh, is he in jail? No, no. Thank God. He's free range now. He's a wild one, too. Can you explain to us? I think these people would like to know why it's complicated.

He's down for, you know, banging other... Banging sort of. Yeah, we could get real. I mean, we could be a long time away. Is he... This has already been such a racist episode, but I'm just going to ask. Oh, I have a Puerto Rican daughter, yes. A Puerto Rican? could be a long time is he uh is he uh is he uh this has already been such a racist episode but but i'm just gonna oh i have a puerto rican daughter yes a puerto rican yeah she's a quarter

puerto rican he's half puerto rican yes what's the other half um it's a mix of like german and oh okay of other stuff okay heck yeah uh and so he has sex with a lot of different women yes and and are you okay with that or does it bother you? Do you have sex with other guys? I mean, yeah, I definitely. I mean, you know, the whole peeing thing. I had one hole for a while, not two, after I had my kid. Ripped apart.

Yeah, you in a hole. Did you get the daddy stitch? Did they make it a little bit bigger for you or smaller? I asked them to do it tighter. Yeah. And then she looked at me like I was crazy because she was hosing me down, you know? Oh, crap. Yeah, they get real intimate, you know?

God. They do this on a farm? What? And they sew you. They hosed you down? Yeah. It's a bad, birthing is like gross. Wow.

I love it. What do you like to, when you're not slinging insurance or doing stand-up, what do you like to do for fun? Anything with like- You like to just lay on your back and float insurance or doing stand-up, what do you like to do for fun? Anything with my... You like to just lay on your back and float down the Hudson River? Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, I mean, anything with my daughter, honestly. That's what I enjoy doing.

I mean, anything with her. Going to the zoo when I'm not the zoo. You know. Hey, you beat me to it on that one. You set me up. I'm like, you are the zoo. I was trying. Yeah.

I was trying I was trying that is so fucking cool you have so much natural ability you ever go down to New York City and perform there? I was for a while and then just with having life it was just a little hard financially to keep doing that but I definitely want to

as she's getting older now to be able to do more yeah well that is so fucking cool and I mean you that is so fucking cool. You guys are so fucking cool. Oh, thank you. You know what, just for that I'm going to let you touch me. Oh, really? Okay, I won't go too crazy. Ah!

Yeah, I'm going to check in with Jimis. You ever thought of changing your name to Zoe Diaz? Why would she do that? Oh, because of Joey Diaz. Oh, no. Oh, no, I didn't get it. Zoe Coco Diaz. That's it.

Zoe Coco Diaz Zoe Ho Ho Diaz okay alright oh man sorry I was raised on a farm Nicole I think you're absolutely amazing and I'll tell you what if we ever do another show locally around here or anywhere

in your area that you can make it to hit us up on social media and we'll just give you a minute on that next show thank you so much I just give you a minute on that next show. Thank you so much. That is amazing. I just love you. There she goes, Nicole Pressler, everybody.

She's so adorable. Be careful. Be careful. Do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, no, I won't do that. No, no, I won't do

that. Put your hands together for your next comedian. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys having fun yet? We're in it. We're already in the fucking storm. Put your hands together for Ryan Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. Ryan your hands together for Ryan Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. Ryan Sullivan.

Hey! Here he is. One more time for Ryan Sullivan. What's up, everybody? My name's Ryan Sullivan. Yes, I do have a paper in my hand. Go fuck yourself. Woke up this morning to a blowjob. That's why my throat hurts.

So if I sound a little weird, it's because of that. I'm not this fat. Just swallowed a bean bag before I got up here. Service is amazing. Thanks, guys. In the back. Bean bag.

Does it have bean bags? I don't know. Not sure. Trying to get my girlfriend to lactate. Not for any sexual reasons. Just to save on groceries. You know? Some more Captain Crunch woman.

My cat's been missing for three years because the internet told me cat calling was inappropriate. Fluffy. I'm glad he's gone, though, because he's lactose intolerant. It means he has no toes and hates Jews. Lacks toes. Stay with me.

Oh, shit. There he is, Ryan Sullivan. Fuck. There he is, Ryan Sullivan. Fuck. Same build and just slightly more facial hair than Nicole Pressler. This is exciting. Not much has changed up here.

I was like, I don't want to follow that, man. Fuck. Right, right. We're the same person. You don't want to follow the herd? How's it going, Ryan? How long have you been on stand-up? Seven months? Eight months?

Seven months. Heck yeah. How old are you? I'm 34. 34. What do you do for work? I'm a barista. Making coffee. Slinging coffee. Heck yeah. If you sling coffee. Yeah. No, you can try to make it sound as cool as you'd like It's fucking

It's fucking Toss coffee Spin coffee A lot of foam I was just thinking of other stuff He said spin coffee There you go How long have you been a barista for?

A few months Got fired from my last job. What was that job? I worked at a local grocery store. Oh, you were fucking sneaking shit home with you. No, no, I wasn't. I got fired because I was getting too many compliments. Yeah?

About what? What were they complimenting you on? Your breasts? Yeah, they were like... I think you said condiments wrong. Condiments? I knew I was going to get a ton of fat jokes. Yeah, yeah.

A ton of them. Literally. You guys are both really skinny. Congratulations. Were you really getting compliments? Well, there was a thing where it was like, if you get a compliment, you get a free lunch. But no one knew about the program. So you just had to get a compliment, you get a free lunch. But no one knew about the program. So you just had to get a compliment if somebody was nice.

So I started telling people, like, yo, if you go give me a compliment, I get chicken wings. So after about... You get one a month, if that, and I got five in a day. So got in trouble for getting compliments at my job.

Wow. Yeah. God, look at you. That is fucked up. You were just getting compliments. You earned those compliments. Yeah. Yeah, I was in those compliments.

Hell yeah. Just eating a bunch of fucking chicken. Chicken wings. I love it. So what more about you, Ryan? What do you like to do for fun? You live here in Poughkeepsie?

I live in Poughkeepsie. I was born in San Jose, but I grew up here, unfortunately. Yeah. And what do you do for fun? I like to do art. I like to do art. What kind of art? I like to sculpt, paint, write, which is art, too.

Really? Yeah. I find that interesting about you. Thank you. I look dumb, but... Yeah, you do. Yeah, I Yeah. I find that interesting about you. Thank you. I look dumb, but... Yeah, you do. Yeah, I do. I agree. That's what's good. No one expects anything

from me because that's how I look. Is it hard to sculpt paint because it's a liquid and stuff like that? If you let it dry, you can totally fucking sculpt it. You have a girlfriend? Yeah. How long have you been with her? She knows that information.

I don't know, like six months, seven months. Six months. Everything about you is only a few months old. This is interesting. You were living a whole nother life seven months ago. Exactly. So six months. What does she do?

She works at the place that I got fired from. Oh, the grocery store. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, up at the grocery store. My goodness. And did you guys first hook up at the grocery store. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, up at the grocery store. My goodness. And did you guys first hook up at the grocery store? No, no.

In the backseat of her car, actually. Wow. Must be a suburban, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Motor home, actually. We were in the back, flat screen. Was it really the back seat of her car?

How did that happen? Well, she has two kids, and I have a dirty room. So I was like, yo, let's just sit in the back of your car. Damn. And then, so, like, what kind of car was it in real life? It was a Mazda. It was a Mazda. It's a full.

It's a full. It was a low rider by the time you guys were done with it. So you're in the backseat of a Mazda and you're like, let's fucking do this. So like what happens? Does she get on top of you? No, no, no. Hell no. No.

We're like we side lay down kind of side. Yeah. Like, you know, you're like you're like knees are bent and your legs are like long ways against one door. Right. Or did you guys go doors open? No, no, no, no. We didn't do doors open. We just sat side by side and then just kind of rolled into it.

Side by side and then just had sideways sex? Just rolled into it, yeah. I'm just not picturing the logistics of this working out. I mean, if she puts her butt here and legs. Would you be willing to show on Jeremiah how you guys did it?

But let me remind you, you have to keep it within a Mazda's distance of each other. Even this, you guys are already too far apart than the backseat of a Mazda. So just sort of slouch next to him and show us how you did it. How it went that way. But you're in the

chair though. Then I'm in the chair and I'm like, hey baby what's up? So you think a Mazda from ground to ceiling is like this? No, I mean we were laid back. I'm just saying it was, you know.

How many of you were calling bullshit with me on this Mazda thing? She's sitting right there. She's sitting right there. Show me on his utter what she did with your penis. Oh, dude, she was like... A sad handjob?

Alright. My goodness, A Mazda. That is just incredible. You guys planning on having kids or anything like that? Oh, no. Because my guess is you keep fucking in the backseat of a Mazda, you're not going to have much of a choice. I think that it's going to be one time you're going to find yourself in a

position where it's really hard to pull out because you physically can't. Because there's so much stuff behind and in front of you that you're just like, fuck, I'm coming inside of you. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to have to fucking cartwheel out of that shit or something. I don't know. No kids. So you guys have had sex a few times in the Mazda?

You ever, when things got steamier than those Mazda windows, did you end up taking her to your dirty room? Yeah, well, I cleaned up and bought a bed. That's how bad it was. Wow, what were you sleeping on? Laundry? No, I was on a bed, but it was like a hand-me-down bed. Like, I never had any fucking money, so I got a hand-me-down bed,

and then somebody was like, I want to be in your bed, too. And I'm like, that's not an option. Wow, let me tell you something. This chick really, really, really loves you. Oh, fuck. I love it, Ryan. Well, you've been doing this a few months.

Did you have fun here tonight? Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I'm just glad to be able to let me in the building because I've been banned from this place like twice already. Really? Why? You a heavy drinker? I've been banned from this place like twice already. Really? Why? You a heavy drinker? I know you're heavy, but are you a drinker?

Yeah, well, I'm a drinker, but... What happened? No, they just don't like hats or Timberlands into this place. Hats? Oh, my God. What are those? Yeah. Yeah.

You're wearing Crocs. Oh, my God. Look at this. The fucking Why do you wear those? Because they're comfortable and cheap dude Yeah so are slippers But you're a grown adult

You don't go out I don't got red band money Jesus Oh you mean you can't go to like Payless And get a $10 pair of shoes? Hell Payless doesn't exist anymore dude So tell me So you've gotten banned from here for wearing a hat? Yeah well I was coming in

They're like no no fucking hats. And I'm like. Tonight? No, no, no. Years ago, man. This place is infamous. Is that how mean they are? As soon as you walk up with a hat, they start swearing at you?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I have. Wow. Yeah? Yeah. Yes. Wow. They have a reputation as being a tough place, this place, at the door?

Well, they just don't want hats like that. It's just a hat thing? Just a hat thing and no Timberlands or no baggy pants, no black people. How dare you? I mean, honestly, it's really what it is. All right. I'm going to have to leave right after this because they're coming for me. I see them.

No loud music. I hate that shit. This is a true story. I will make it fast. But there was a bar that I was trying to get into in L.A. And they were like, you have to have a collar shirt. I'm like, I don't have one. And I drove 45 minutes to go to this place for my friend's anniversary party.

And so my girlfriend at the time goes, hey, I think I have a collared shirt. Listen, it's funny. My girlfriend goes, I think I have a collared shirt in my car. And she's a very small person. I'm like, let's try it. So I go to her car. I put on this tiny little collared shirt to the point where my fat stomach's hanging out in my arms. I go to the place place and they're like,

all right, we'll comb on it. Wow. Totally worth it. How about another hand for Ryan Sullivan, everybody? Thank you guys so much. They wanted him to put on a collared shirt. He went and put on a collared shirt.

Holy shit. That story brought to you by the writers of season six of Game of Thrones. All right. Which I actually enjoyed. I loved it. Let's go back to the bucket, shall we? What do you think? We've had hats off to Ryan for that set.

We've had some real groundbreaking performances here tonight. Literally, this stage is fucking cracked down the middle so far. All right, pull another name out. Make some noise for Tommy Carillon. Tommy Carillon. Here he comes. A steady pace. Hey.

One more time for Tommy, everybody. What's up, everybody? Let's address it up front. I look like I play air drums to rap music. That's where I'm at in life. Not great, but I deal with it. I have a dog, and whenever I tell white people that, they just assume it's a pit bull.

But whenever I tell black people, They just assume it's a pit bull But whenever I tell black people They assume it's a German shepherd I don't know what the deal with that is But no I have a little Shih Tzu That's what I have Her name is Mimi but I nicknamed her Beans Because she was born with two clits And that's just kind of cute right

I had to quit drinking a while ago Which isn't so bad I don't like going to bars as a sober ago, which isn't so bad. I don't like going to bars as a sober person. I wish bars had a back sober area where I could hang out with other sober people and we could watch our drunk friends like they were dogs in a park. Hey, which one's yours? She's adorable. That's my boy Max over there.

He's a German-Irish mix. They say that I rescued him, but really I think he rescued me. Hang on one second. Max, what is that fireball? Put it down. Down. He never learns his lesson. He always pisses to bed. Thank you guys. Fuck yeah, Tommy Carillon.

Carillon. How are you? Doing good. Fuck yeah. Carillon. Am I saying that right? Carillon. I'm not really sure how to pronounce it myself. Is this Poltergeist? Doing good. Fuck yeah. Car-a-lon. Am I saying that right? Car-a-lan. I'm not really sure how to pronounce it myself. Is this poltergeist?

Car-a-lan. I think a hard car in the front. Hard car. Car. Okay, very good. It looks like you pronounce everything with a hard R. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. Whip it through the glass. Wow. Yeah. So welcome, Tommy. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five, six years now. Fiveip it through the glass. Wow. So welcome, Tommy. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five, six years now. Five, six years.

Cool. How much longer do you have to live? You asked me that in Nyack, too, actually. Really? Yeah. You got up in Nyack? No, I was sitting in the crowd and you said I had leukemia. Really?

I did? You were in the audience and I roasted you? Yeah. Wow. That just goes to show what you look like exactly. That is so fun. Did you sign up in NIAC

and not get pulled? Yeah. That's cool that you got up here tonight. That's awesome, Tommy. Fun. So five, six years of stand-up. Where do you live? Peekskill, New York. Just in Westchester. A little bit right between here and the city, pretty much. Okay. I think there's a man running for city council of your city.

I think I've seen the poster around town. Hell yeah. What do you do for work? Plumbing construction. Ah, plumbing and construction. Interesting. I'm guessing more plumbing than construction, right? Well, no.

It's plumbing construction. Oh, you can build the toilets. Oh, okay. Heck yeah you can build toilets. Oh, okay. Heck yeah. You build toilets. That's what plumbing construction is. A loose definition of it, yeah. I love it. You have a shih tzu with two vaginas? Is that real? Two clits, but no. Yes, Brian, clits and vaginas are two different things. Two clits. All right. How the fuck do you find that out? How do you know that? It's just a joke I wrote one day after I started calling her beans. You never took it to the vet and got it proofread for your joke?

No, no diagnosis on it yet. I love it, man. So what do you do for fun up there near where you live? Hiking, kayaking, golfing, whatever. Kayaking. Whatever white people stuff is around there. Spray your face with metallic paint on Fury Road. Yeah.

There's enough. Joelberg's heating up over there. I love it. My goodness, Tommy. Do you get confused for being a racist a lot? Do a lot of people tell you that you seem racist? Do black people avoid you? What's the deal? No, but old people generally like to tell me racist jokes.

Really? Yeah. Do you remember any very racist jokes that an old person's told you? It's no pressure on you because it's not your joke. It's a joke that an ignorant old person told you. Can you do it on this show? Yeah, I was working at a Kmart a few years ago, and we didn't have the right size, like,

vacuum steaming liquid for an old woman. And she just goes, well, this store caters to the Spanish people. That's why I call it Kmartinez. Wow. All right. That's my cousin's name, you son of a bitch. Man, how old is this lady?

And did she sign up tonight? I'm excited to see more of her work. K. Martinez. That's so fun. You were really working at a Kmart? Yeah, for like three years or so. We're from Ohio and Kansas where Kmart's actually... He definitely was working at KKK Mart. Hey!

I love that. Heck yeah. So how long has it been since you played with the other members of REM? They used to play that at Kmart all the time. I don't know REM. Yeah. I love it. Air drumming to rap music, like I said.

Man, and singing for the Smashing Pumpkins. I love it. You worked at Kmart. Did they have Blue Man Group specials all the time? All right. Kmart joke. I'll do that one again. Because they had blue light specials.

Yeah. Wow. So, Tommy, what else is interesting about you? What kind of dirt bike do you drive? I never got a dirt bike. I was more of an ATV guy, I guess. Yeah? Do you have an ATV?

Asked a vagina? No. No. of an ATV guy, I guess. Yeah? Do you have an ATV? Ass to vagina? No. Wait.

How does that work? Quickly. Causes infections, ass to vagina, I think. I love that, Tommy. You have a girlfriend? No, single. How long you been single for? Four years think. I love that, Tommy. You have a girlfriend? No, single. How long have you been single for?

Four years now. Four years? My goodness. Do you ever go on dates or anything? Now and again. Not really. Yeah? Like your last date, how long ago was that?

Maybe, no. Not one week. I love that. Maybe like a month and a half ago. A month and a half. So where'd you meet her at? Tinder. Tinder? And what was the conversation like? where'd you meet her at? Tinder. Tinder.

And what was the conversation like? Where'd you guys do when you first met? Did you invite her to your shed? No, she actually invited me to a concert down at, I forget where. Yeah, but what was the concert?

Do you remember? Sons of Bodum, I think it was. Oh, okay. And then what? That's it. What was it? Children of Bodum. It's a metal show. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's children of Bodum. That's it. What was it? Children of Bodum. It's a metal show.

Oh, okay. And then what happened? Not too much. It was a weird little date. Yeah. She was watching the concert the whole time, not really talking much. Like, what? What do you do?

Yeah, that's exactly what it was. Yeah, it's not really romantic. She got broken up with that day, and I kind of thought it would be an easy one-off. Wow. And you couldn't close? Or you did? No, she was a little weird about it. A little weird about it?

In what way? Because you forced it upon her? No, no. She seemed pretty conservative. Right. Yeah, for someone who was going to a metal show. Right. I don't know.

It was a last-minute thing. I took a shower with baby wipes in a bar bathroom that day. So I wasn't. Wow. It was a surprise date, you guys. Two in the gutter, one in the udder. So, wow. Baby wipes after working with toilets all day.

You just baby wiped it up in a bar bathroom. Yep. Heck yeah. It's my style. I had to go down, do an open mic, and then meet her at Grand Central. That's awesome, man. I love it, dude.

Well, you're doing fucking stand-up. You got real jokes. You were a great interview. Is there anything else we need to know about you before letting you out of here? I don't think so. But there you go. There he goes.

Tommy Carillon, everybody. Fun times. You guys have some pretty fucking decent comedians up here in Poughkeepsie. It seems like the East Coast, especially New York, always has some of the best comedy in the nation. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you gotta learn how to talk to people indoors in an area like this. You got to get good at it. There's no way to be busy hiking mountains or doing beautiful things. You just got to be funny and have a personality, right? You guys all have personalities, right?

I feel like I made fun of you guys a little bit too early on in the show, and now you're getting defensive about it, but it's okay. I acknowledge it, and that makes it better. Hey, look at this guy's name. This reminds me of something that we're going to be slightly dealing with tomorrow at 10 p.m. at the Grand Ritz Theater. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Gilbert Hernandez, everybody. Gilbert.

Oh, he's right here. My goodness. How's it going, everybody? Good? A little bit about myself. I come from a Honduran immigrant family, so right now it's scary for us. Because Trump ain't fucking playing.

He's deporting us like he's elegant, generous on her show, just giving out gifts. You getting deported, you getting deported. Everybody look under your seats, you all getting deported! It's fucking scary. One of my cousins, he came over here when he was one years old, and now he's 30.

He don't even know Spanish. So he's terrified right now. So I try to take him to the bar to take his mind off it, so I take him to a bar called The Sanctuary, right? And so we sit down, I order a drink, and the bartender goes, what you got? You want ice with that? And he fucking ran. I can't fucking run because this fucking stage

is too fucking small. The only good thing that came out of this bullshit, though, that all my aunts and uncles who had their green papers, they got their citizenship, guys. Give it up for them. They got their citizenship. Give it up.

Except my one aunt, though. She failed the test. I guess one of the questions on the test was, who was the first president of the United States of America? Who was the first president? She put George Washington Bridge. George Washington Bridge. Last question.

The actual how many states in the United States of America? She put I-84. She a taxi driver, guys. She don't know too much about the fucking... Oh, yeah, there you go. Gilbert Hernandez, everybody. George Washington Bridge. I knew I was going to get called. I knew it.

You knew that you were going to get called? Yeah, I just said it. I think you're a better psychic than you are a comedian, Gilbert. This is very exciting that you knew that you were getting called. At least you found your calling here tonight as the first ever young Mexican psychic boy.

Honduran. Yes, Honduran. We get it. You're Mexican. Anyway. Just take it. Yeah. You did a joke about Ellen at the top, but Ellen never says look underneath your chairs. That's Oprah.

Yeah. Hold on, everybody. We're about to get whacked right now. I don't know what the fuck's happening. Someone said, Jesus Christ. Man. I feel like I was in a pinball game. I didn't know Poughkeepsie had so many bison here.

I mean, it is incredible, these fucking people. He looked like the shampoo bottle, head and shoulders. All right, all right, all right, Gilbert. I got my joke in there. I love the jacket, though. One more joke like that, I'm going to get you deported. I love the jacket, though. I love the jacket.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's like gold dust. Thank you, thank you, absolutely. It's a gold dust jacket. I like your shirt. You look like AT&T. That's where I came from. I just literally came from work and got right here.

You work at AT&T? Yes, sir. Heck yeah. I love that. How long have you been doing it? What do you do for them? I sell cell phones, tablets. Oh, so you work at one of the stores?

Yeah, I'm a salesman. Oh, cool. I prefer Boost Mobile. Boost Mobile. I love that. I prefer Verizon. Hey. That was a good one.

Look at that. Very good. How long you worked at AT&T? About five years. Wow. And if you could give us a pitch on why AT&T is the best provider, how would you pitch it to us? I'd be like, guys, switch over from Verizon AT&T because we can save you 25% and we're right up there with their service. But is that really true?

Can you really save us? Right. I'm just trying to get... I got three kids to feed. I'm trying to get paid. I love it. I love it. Well, you're about to get fired, so that's exciting.

I'll do that. He's got three kids. Three kids. You're sitting live streaming, right? You're sitting live streaming? No, we're not live streaming. All right, I'm supposed to be on my lunch break. I like your style.

You really have three kids? Yeah. How old are they? Eight, six, and two. Eight, six, and two. You still with the baby mama? Nah, man. Really?

Yeah, I got a new joint on the side of my head. Say that again. What did you say? Did you just call her that new joint? Yes. That new joint, yes. That's got to make her feel good. Heck yeah. I am that new joint.

And look at that. She's drinking a delicious Corona, the drink of choice of all Hondurans. I think that's as close as I'm gonna get to Mexican on this tour. I don't know. We're Latino. We start young. Ah, we're getting warmer. Now you're at least admitting to being Latino. Yes.

I just came back from my cousin's quinceanera slash baby shower. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. I tried to sneak that one in. No, it's okay. I tried. I tried. So, eight, six, and two, and they're all with the mom? Well, we were living together, but yeah, now they're with the mom. How long have you been broken up with

her for? Just a couple months. Just a couple months. Is there something that happened in particular that ended the entire thing? Nah, just toxic. Too many arguments. I don't want the kids watching that. I love that.

You know what I mean? You're absolutely fucking right. Sometimes you gotta just walk away from something. Bitches be crazy. Oh. Even in the bison world. Yes.

Thank you. It's better to it's better to cut it off. No, she used to beat me. It's better to cut it off. No, she used to beat me. It's better to cut it off. A lot like an AT&T phone call. She used to beat you? Yeah.

Is that true? Really? Can you give us some examples? She's a little stocky. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. She's like Mike Tyson.

Was she on stage tonight? Mike Bison. Nah, she held her. She was here. I'll be out. Mike Bison. Nah, she held her. She was here. I'll be out. Mike Bison. Holy shit. Joelberg's hitting them people. I don't know what you guys are doing

out there, but Mike Bison. The more you describe your ex, the more of a dude she becomes. Oh, yeah. One time she threw a controller at me. Hit me so hard I seen stars whole time, cinematic pictures.

Wow. I got you. Yes! Got the fucking bicep! Dude, that joke was corn fed. I love it. I love it. So can you give us an example of something you did one time that she really beat you up good for it? So I told her, I was like yo, I'm gonna go out with the boys. She's like, alright, don. So I told her, I was like, yo, I'm gonna go out

with the boys. She's like, alright, don't be out too late. I was like, alright, I'll be back at one. I came back at seven in the morning. Oh. She said don't be late, so I was early. Oh my god. I almost beat you up for making that joke just then. Wow.

And what'd she do to you? She just literally throws punches and shit? Yeah, she got this one when she throws an overhand like Chuck Liddell. What the fuck? But I finally, after three years, I calculated, so I just let it hit my chest. And then I just kind of dropped. Man. I think that's called un avion.

The airplane comes right over here. Wow. My mom told me you can't lay your hands on a woman, so I just kind of like, chill, chill. Right, of course. And your dad said the opposite. Sometimes I run. Yeah. No, yeah, that's what Mexicans do. They run. Right. So, Gilbert, what do you

do for fun when you're not hanging out with the kids and hanging out with the neutral? I like going to the club. I like dancing a little bit. Really? You like dancing? Can you give us a little example of some of your dance moves? How many do you want to see? There you go. Hey, look at that.

He's got it. Hey. Wow. I don't know if you know this, but they don't allow hats of your kind in a place like this. I was a dishwasher here. Really? Nah, I'm fucking kidding.

After you break up with the new joint and you get another girlfriend, are you going to call her the remix? Oh. Damn. I don't know. You got to be on that one. You got to be on that one. Wow.

Well, Gilbert. Sorry, new joint. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Since August. Since August. Sorry, new joint. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Since August. Since August. That is so cool. How often do you get to see your kids? I'll be with them every day.

Every day? Oh, that's awesome, man. Well, I fucking love that, dude. You fucking made babies, you know, and you're in their lives. You're working hard. And you're also finding time to fucking chase your dreams while supporting for them and still getting to have some fun with the beautiful new joint over there.

Yeah. And that is so fucking awesome, man. You have a real cool, fiery, energetic personality. I would have loved to have seen you on like a bigger stage. I could tell you felt really confined up here. I could tell you're a physical guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know.

And I think that's very exciting. So congratulations on being a good man and a decent comedian. Thank you everybody for having me tonight. Gilbert Hernandez. Yo, follow me on social media. Gil's Comedy. There you go. I got you, Gilbert. There you go. He's on Twitter at Gil's Comedy

with a Z. Tommy Carillon is Tommy 12 tokes. T-O-K-E-S. Oh, my God. Look at this. He just stuck up his little fucking sausage link middle finger at us, too. His fucking thick little middle finger. Look at you.

You thought I wasn't going to roast that fucking kielbasa? Flashing your middle finger at me, dude? You just got to roll with it. You know how to do that. Roll you up like a Katamari. You're a cutie pie. We love you here. Come on.

We have to acknowledge the elephant in the room sometimes. It's comedy. It's comedy. Comedy is timing. And you, sir, you pick your moments perfectly. Right in between the segues. There goes your comedian. Okay, this looks exciting.

I love this name. Put your hands together for Joyce, everyone. It's Joyce. Joyce, one name. Here she is, everybody. Joyce. Come on, one more time for Joyce, guys. Hello.

Hello, everyone. My name is Joyce. So before I came up on the stage, when you heard the name Joyce, how many of you know I was an Asian already? How many of you thought I was going to be an old lady? So I find it very interesting Joyce's name is either for a young Asian lady or for an old lady. So I was working in my office and I was Joyce 4 and Joyce 1 is a really really old white lady and after a couple years I became Joyce 3

because Joyce 1 died so I feel like it's just a matter of time after a couple years Joyce is going to be a name only for old Asian ladies thank you After a couple years, Joyce is going to be a name only for old Asian ladies. Thank you. Heck yeah.

51 seconds from Joyce. Interesting that you came in a little bit short on time because I thought you were going to be performing long time. You are adorable. You are such a sweet little thing. You are adorable. You are such a sweet little thing. Look at you. I was really nervous. Of course. You're so likable and lovable.

Look at you. My goodness. Hell yeah. So welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up for? First time. Whoa. First time.

Look at that. Whoa, first time. Look at that. Oh, yeah. She brought the broccoli and I brought the beef. Wow. Is Joyce the name you were given for real, though? No, I picked Lynette for no reason. Why would you pick Joyce? Because it was really popular in Asia so I

thought it was a cool name and once I got here I realized it's a really old name. No. I wouldn't know so yeah. So it's a fine name. It's a fine name. So first time doing stand up. How long have you lived in America? Six years.

Six years and you're originally from? Taiwan. Taiwan. Very cool. You've only been here six years and you decided on Poughkeepsie? I mean, we live in the city. New York City? Yes. Oh, very cool.

Yeah. We were a big fan. I love that. We listened to from the first episode to like the most recent episode like three times. I love that. Are you coming to tomorrow's 10 p.m. show by any chance? We'll see. Depends on who's the guest. Tickets are still available. If you're wondering, tickets are still available.

We did not sell out since we began the show. Yeah, but it's cheaper today. Oh, is that what it is? You're on a little bit of a budget? Yeah. We could put you on the guest list. How about that? Really?

Yeah, absolutely. I have a plus one. You have the guest list How about that? Really? Yeah, absolutely I have a plus one You have a boyfriend or something like that? Red Band loves Asian women He also signed up Wait Watch out, you're gonna end up in his green room tomorrow night It's Brian's special guest list

Yeah You're gonna be really excited when you find out that the secret guest is Ali Wong. Oh. No, I'm kidding. It's not. It definitely won't be. Margaret Cho.

I also said it's a special guest, so it's not Ali Wong. Come on. How many Always Be My Maybe fans are here tonight? It's actually a surprisingly good film. Did you really watch it? I watched it with my bison wife.

Dude, it's so good. Did you really watch it? Keanu Reeves in that movie. It's the best cameo I've ever seen. It's one of the best films ever, man. From the rice house to the bison films. No, no, no. One of the biggest surprises.

Like, what the fuck? This is great. What a difference that is. One of the biggest surprises from one of the biggest surprises. What the fuck? This is great. What a difference that is. One of the biggest surprises from one of the greatest films ever. Yes, I'm so out of control. I need to calm down. How did you... Why did you come to New York from Taiwan?

What made you go to New York? Your crate just crashed here? I came here to study. I got my master's degree in New York. Nail salon stuff? Is it? No.

She said she got a master's and you said in nail salons? What did you get a master's degree in? I got it in NYU. Heck yeah. In what? NYU. But I mean, what did you study? Oh, marketing. Oh, marketing.

Very good. For nail salons? I love your enunciation of that. You would have thought at some point while getting a master's in it, they would have been like, ah, I guess you can soften up on that T a little bit. Master. Marketing.

Ting tang tong. Marketing jokes. So that's awesome. You love living in the big city? What's up? You love living in the big city of New York? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right in the mix of everything?

Yeah, I love it. What part of town are you in? East Harlem. East Harlem. Yep. Heck yeah. That is so fucking cool. It's very different than Taiwan, right?

Yeah, very different. Is there anything that you miss about Taiwan? Food. I miss food there a lot. What's your favorite thing to eat in Taiwan? I do like stinky tofu. Stinky? Yeah.

Stinky. Brian just came right now. Oh, what? That's actually a safe word during sex. Sticky Doba, Sticky Doba! I love it. What are you doing with that microphone? Where the hell are you going, Joyce?

His other safe word during sex is Wendy's Postmates. So, Joyce, where did you find your boyfriend at? In New York City. I went to see a show, and he was sitting right next to me. What kind of show? It's a pole dancing show. Whoa, look at you. Just a regular burlesque?

Yeah, kind of. It's like an animal theme. Really? Is it bison theme? Heck yeah. Wow. And he was just sitting right next to you.

Yeah, and they have some raffles. So they give you like a free class to take a free pole dancing class. And none of us got anything

so we start chatting. Your lucky numbers weren't pooled? No. No. You didn't get the weren't pulled? No. No. You didn't get the fortune that night? Uh-uh. Oh.

All right. So how long you been with this guy? Four years. Four years. What does he do? He's a juggler. Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious?

Is he here tonight? Yeah, he also signed up. Really? Uh-huh. So he's into the insane clown posse? Something like that, yeah. No, he's not a juggalo, Joel. We don't have internet on the farm I live on.

He's a juggler? Yeah, he's a juggler. Wow, has he ever done stand-up before? I don't think so. Really? What's his name? Justin Wood Circus. Justin Wood Circus? Yeah. Three names? Justin Wood Circus Justin Wood Circus

yeah that three names Justin Wood Circus yes his last name is Circus yeah I mean I love it how many of you

would like to see this guy do stand up for the first time alright put it back in the holster there there goes Joyce everybody hey Joyce

high five you were great let us know if you want to be on that guest list tomorrow isn't she adorable Joyce everybody one more time for Joyce Joyce, high five. You were great. Let us know if you want to be on that guest list tomorrow. Isn't she adorable? Joyce, everybody.

One more time for Joyce. And with no more hesitation, I'm going to give us what we all want right now. For his very first time ever on Kill Tony, put your hands together for Justin Wood Circus, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this badass motherfucker. Hell yeah. Hello. Come on, one more time for Justin, guys. Hey, hey.

How's it going? Oh, man. You did great, Joyce. Did good. Now it's my job. Number one juggler in New York. You'd think it'd mean more. No, yeah, it's kind of funny. You know, you spend your whole life training in the circus arts and whatnot. You learn to keep seven objects in the air at one time or balance six chairs on your face. And you make a song on TikTok and then you get millions and millions of views and lots of attention. I've never gotten my juggling to get any more views than that, but you know, it's funny.

Do you know how to draw a pig? It doesn't matter. You're not even my target demographic anymore. No, no, seriously. No, really. 13-year-olds on TikTok. That's where it's at. Okay. There you go. Justin Wood Circus.

Keep the microphone. Keep the microphone. True, true, Justin Wood Circus Keep the microphone Keep the microphone True, true Justin Wood Circus, so let's talk about it here That was your first time doing stand-up comedy, right? Yeah, yeah I love the part where at one point During that set towards the end there

You said it's funny, and it wasn't What is TikTok? TikTok, it's like Go ahead, what's TikTok? Oh, well it's like Vine, but for kids. Oh, okay, so it's like short videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, cool. And you had a very successful video on that? Yeah, yeah. Were you juggling? No, I was singing How to Draw a Pig. I was singing How to Draw a Pig. I made a How to Draw a Pig song. Okay. That's interesting. How long is the song?

About 15 seconds. Okay, you want to sing it for us? Yeah. Awesome. One circle, one circle, one big circle, one circle, one circle, one big circle, one circle, one circle, one big circle, one circle, one circle, one big circle,

one circle, one circle, one big circle, W W, W, W nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, E. Wow. Alright. I could see

I could see why that would be successful in this baby shark era that we live in right now. Right? Very cool. So let's talk about what we can have you do here tonight in front of us. Is there anything that you can do or juggle? Because I think this fucking crowd, when we found out that you're New York's greatest juggler, I think we all got a little excited.

Is there something that we can give you to juggle? Or do you have something already? I mean, I got a couple different things. I mean, I got this slinky. I mean, you can do whatever you want. I also have some juggling balls if you want. Where are those at? You pointed over there.

You want to see some ball tricks? Oh, they're in my pants. Where are those at? Over here. Where are the juggling balls at? Joyce has them. Joyce, can you bring? My lovely assistant. Yeah, the lovely assistant, Joyce. These things just picked up? Over here. Where are the juggling balls at? Joyce has them. My lovely assistant. Yeah,

the lovely assistant, Joyce. These things just picked up big time here. I know a lot of you are here. I know there's probably a few fucking hipsters in this room like, dude, I came for stand up comedy, dude. You know what? I see that shit all the time. I never get to see New York's best juggler

drive all the way to Poughkeepsie. By the way, Tony, it sounded like Joyce wrote his first joke. He said, I am number one juggler in New York City. I love it. So if you want to put the mic in the mic stand, Brian's probably going to hit some music here. Is that the song you're going to play for this? Oh, God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Wood Circus, everybody. Wow. He threw one thing up there. All right. He's starting slow. I like it. He's building anticipation. There he is.

Justin Wood Circus. Oh, he's dropping one ball at a time. Hell yeah. All right. He's got two in one hand. Whoa! Whoa! Wow!

Look at that. Woo! Damn! That was fucking incredible. Literally, all those balls almost hit the ceiling. You're extremely professional at this. So you went to, like... Thank you.

Did you go to, like, circus school or something? Well, I'm from Kentucky, and I didn't have a lot of things to do or options to get out of Kentucky. Uh-huh. What are you? What nationality are you? Or race, whatever. I'm American.

I'm white, I think. Really? I don't know. People keep saying that I look a little bit Asian myself. I guess I get that sometimes. You reflect the company you keep, you know. She just got a little juice Asian myself. I guess I get that sometimes. You reflect the company you keep. She just got a load of juice on you. Yeah, no.

That's true. There might have been an Asian milkman or something going on. You're Olive. I have. Yeah. Sure, why not? I love it. So let's talk about how you got so good at juggling.

Oh, yeah. No, I went to a street perform in New York. And if you put your hat down and you juggle, you can get maybe about like $10 an hour. And I was like, that's much better than minimum wage. Hell yeah. And I realized that instead of spending my time like, you know, at CVS, Bed Bath & Beyond, Little Caesars Pizza and stuff like that, I could actually just juggle for like, you know, six to eight hours a day and get really darn good at it. I love it, man.

You know, you spend enough time. What's the slinky for? What do you do with the slinky? Do you have any slinky tricks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I see a slinky trick? Oh, most definitely. All right, let's see a slinky trick.

I might just have... Here we go. That music is good and loud. Wow. The slinky is going crazy. For those of you just listening to the podcast, wow. Wow. Wow.

Fuck, yeah. My God. That is so cool. I, yeah. My God. That is so cool. I love that. Just an abundance of free time and a wasted childhood. I love it. That's all it takes. Let's check in with Phil.

Little known fact, Red Band can do the exact same thing with his sperm. Hey. My goodness. I love that. That is just so cool to me, man. You found a way to do something that you love and to get paid for it, and you get to live in a beautiful city

with what seems to be an awesome, awesome lady. She's wonderful. She's the best. I love it, man. Yeah, she carries around your juggling balls in her purse. Yeah. You know what's very interesting about you is that my girlfriend is also Asian, and she also has an old lady name.

Her name's Janice, and she hates it. And it's the same thing. Anyways, I saw an Instagram that you sent earlier, and you are very amazing, man. I was so happy to meet you that you came on stage because I saw what you did earlier with the no smoking sign. Oh, that's fucking awesome. I always want to thank you. What did you do for the everyone else?

Oh, well, I have been making stupid videos on the Internet because apparently people care more about that than like juggling. I just want to like entertain people. And, you know, I really just started juggling just because I wanted to do it. He took two pieces of little tape. There's a no smoking sign. You can see it on your Instagram. Why don't you give

it a shout out to that? Justin Woods Circus. There's a lot of Justin Woods out there. He just took two pieces of little tape to a no smoking sign and made it no pie. He turned it into a piece of pie. It was so weird. Like you have to see it to understand.

It was cool. I saw that. It got taken down for vandalism on TikTok because little kids are like little police like that. They were like, that's vandalism. Nerds. Yeah. So then I made another one where I dressed up like a king and then made it more of like

a story. And that one's like, you know, going a lot further. That is so interesting. You found this, that you're using the internet to use a lot of this circus and interesting stuff. And you're entertaining kids and fucking adults. Yeah, I feel like juggling in the circus arts has a pretty bad name other than like, yeah, I don't know. Cirque du Soleil is taking it like this. So it's either like really like, oh, I'm blowing your mind, aren't I?

And I don't know, like I don't like that. But then traditional like is just too corny and stiff. So I'm just trying to. Do you have dreams of ever doing that? Would you ever want to do Cirque du Soleil? Like go full on? I, well, I mean, I've worked for circuses before. But like I have my own one hour show that I'm trying to get off the ground now. on? I've worked for circuses before, but

I have my own one-hour show that I'm trying to get off the ground now because it just doesn't pay to just live in a little booth with other people, and then you get paid nothing to do five minutes seven times a day. Do it, dude.

Keep doing it. Keep getting good at it. Keep using that goddamn internet to get the word out there. Congratulations. How about one more time, good and loud, for Justin Wood Circus. How fun. We never get to have fun like that. You people

are like, I can tell you people think he's a shady circus guy, but I like that guy. I love it. And I'll see you guys tomorrow, man. You guys got on the guest list. You too. All right? Wow. There you go. There you go. Look at that. How about one more time for Joyce and Justin Wood Circus?

Thank you. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Sally Toregiani. Sally Toregiani. Sally Toregiani. This could be the female Sebastian Maniscalco. Who knows what can

happen here? We just met a juggler. Baby shark. One more time for Sally, everybody. Oh my god. I'm so scared. I have anxiety. I just got back from LA. Yeah, I wouldn't clap either. Terrible place. Fakest place ever. Like, hello in Los Angeles means like, fuck you. And it's confusing because like, fuck you in New York means hello.

I don't get it. Everyone wants to be an influencer. It's like a thing, new actress. Yeah. So if you don't know what influencers are, they are the telemarketers of our generation. So they're just selling you shit you don't need. And they're all hot and not predominantly Indian. Okay, full of white people. We can loosen our buttholes. It's fine. Yeah, I was triggered by this one video. She was selling a serum that was basically CBD and it changed her life.

She's a 19-year-old girl. She's like, oh my God, it saved my fine lines and helped out my libido. I'm like, bitch, you're 19. That's what helps your libido. That's it. Thanks. Hell yeah.

Baby shark, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, baby shark. One more time for Sally, everybody. Hell yeah. Hi. Rolling right in with the fuck LA joke. That's interesting. I thought it would be bold.

That's an interesting take. Oh, there's another guy clapping because he'll never be able to get out there either. That's exciting. So what were you doing in LA? It was my birthday. And so you went there for your birthday? Mm-hmm. Have you ever been there before?

Yeah. And you hate it so much that you went back for your birthday. Mm-hmm. Have you ever been there before? Yeah. And you hate it so much that you went back for your birthday? This place sucks. Let's celebrate my birthday there. I enjoyed it. It's just, it's kind of shitty. It kind of looks like Main Street, except like Beverly Hills is fine. Malibu's fine.

But it's pretty dirty. You got Joel, little Matt. He's a Mexican, born and raised in Los Angeles. Okay, I'm born and raised in Los Angeles. Okay, I'm born and raised in L.A. None of the shit people hate about L.A. has anything to do with my immediate circle. It's all people that move there that aren't from there, and they fuck it up, and it's a cool fucking spot,

and I wish people would stop shitting on it. It's okay. This guy will do anything to remind you he's not a real Mexican. L.A., it's my place. Dude, I live in Boise, Idaho, and I love it. Wow. So Sally, wouldn't you agree

that it's all in who you hang out with? Were you hanging out with influencers out there? Or idiots? No. Well, my friends thought they were going to make it out there. That was their upstate mentality. They were like, I'm going to be seen. Right.

First problem. No. And then what happened? They weren't seen. Uh-huh. I did a show out there. You did? I did stand-up out there, yeah.

You did stand-up? How long have you been doing stand-up for? Like four months. Oh, that's so cool. Where did you perform at? I performed at Guacho's, some Brazilian steakhouse in Glendale. They said they liked me and I can go to the comedy store. I know, it's shit, but whatever.

Is that where you stayed around, Glendale? No, I stayed in downtown. You stayed in downtown Los Angeles. I was right by Skid Row. Why did you stay there of all places? For those of you I don't... For those of you that don't know, downtown isn't really a downtown.

It is the farthest east point of Los Angeles. It's far from the ocean and it's far from where... I've lived there for 13 years, been there three times. You don't want to go there. If you watch The Walking Dead, that's what it looks like. No, it's... Yeah, I was like, I don't like it. For real.

Yeah. People that live in LA really never go downtown. I've never spent a single night of my life downtown. I've lived in LA for well over a decade and you've spent more time downtown than me. Where do you live in LA?

Well, if you'd like my exact address. No, I live in the Hollywood Beverly Hills Wilshire mid-Wilshire area. Alright. Where did you say you were from originally?

I'm from Hyde Park. Oh, your voice sounds like you grew up at the Newport factory. Hey, I'm from Hyde Park and Ellie sucks Ellie sucks

you have that real like Italian mother voice do you know that? yeah that's me so now how far is Hyde Park from here? it's like 20 minutes north 20 minutes north what do you do for work? I own a fitness studio.

Really? Yeah. Wow. How long have you been doing that for? Yeah. I know. It's like, by the way, out of all the people, out of all the women that have ever done this show, nobody reminds me more of an annoying type of influencer than you.

Thank you. Absolutely. I have a fitness deck. Absolutely. My goodness. What was the joke that you tried to make about Indians at one point? I'm excited to hear. How influencers are the telemarketers

of our generation, but they're all hot and not predominantly Indian. Oh. Oh. Yep. I mean, statistically, that is correct. It's as funny now as I thought it was the first time, but now at least I understand sort of

what you were talking about. Thanks. You're welcome. I would love if she was a teacher at MIT and taught molecular biology with that voice. Hi, class. Welcome to molecular biology. I teach fitness.

I'm going to teach you a lot of things. Today we're going to be splicing atoms. I've had my atoms split so many times. Oh, my God. Yeah. And my butt cheeks. I've had my atoms split so many times. Like, what? Yeah. And my butt cheeks. Yeah. Have you seen that new Transformer proton?

It's so hot. So, Sally, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Yeah, what's your deepest fear? Yeah. This is, like, what's your deepest fear? Yeah. This is like the most intense question of the night. That's the most intense question. I don't know.

I feel like if I asked you what 33 times 7 was, that probably would have been the most intense question. Oh, it's... What's that in cigarettes? I've never smoked a cigarette. Who are you hanging out with then? Fucking smokestacks? Not one.

Fucking break factory? I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I took a vacation in Chernobyl once. But I love car tailpipes. I hate it there, but I only go there for my birthdays. It sucks. Sally, what do you like?

Give her a hot box and a cigar shop. It's wild. What do you like to do for fun, Sally? I do gymnastics. Really? Yeah. My goodness. Is there any type of a gymnastic that you could do that you could show us here on this?

I could walk on my hands. Really? Would you be willing to walk on your hands across this floor? How many of you want to see this young lady walk on her hands? This is so cool. We've never had anybody walk on their hands

in the history of the show. Sure, yeah, that'd be great. This is going to be great for the camera in the back. Sure, yeah, that'd be great. This is going to be great for the camera in the back. You're about to see a pair of feet float above the people's heads. Come on, make some noise for Sally.

Wow. Wow. That's incredible. Wow. Wow. That's incredible. Wow. My goodness. Incredible job. And I'd like to congratulate you. Your shirt went down just enough for Red Band to invite you on tomorrow night's guest list.

I think her udders fell out. Yeah. Wow. That is so cool. You've been doing gymnastics since you were a kid? Can I try to walk on my hooves? I love that. Jeremiah wants to walk on his hooves.

Do your thing. Can you do that, Jeremiah? I don't know. We'll see. Really? Oh, God. All right, you guys all be careful. Make sure he doesn't knock over your drinks, okay? Yeah, be careful. I'm serious.

Sir, keep an eye on this. This is not right. What? This is a fucking freak show here in Poughkeepsie. This is a goddamn freak show For those of you listening He was not able to walk on his hands Joel carried him Dude I'm a freaking bison

That was great Wow that was amazing And hey venue Your floor is filthy It was clean before she did it Hey Uh huh Sally do you is filthy. It was clean before she did it. Sally, do you sleep with a lot of men? No. You have a boyfriend? I do.

How long have you been with him? Like a week. Really? Wow. What Italian restaurant is he a bartender at? He works for Newport. He's not. He's not a bartender? What does he do? He's like director of like veteran affairs. Oh, look at that.

Damn. Yeah, he's a cool guy. I'm director of bison affair. All right. So you met him a week ago. My goodness. No, I didn't meet him a week ago. But we just started like dating.

Right. You guys are like, should we make this official? Or should like, I want to know what you want me to do. That's like you did the old girl trap. No, he did it? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.

Look at that insecure bitch. That'll come back in a few months. Oh, is that going to come back? The first night your phone dies, you're in big trouble, Sally. I love it. Well, very fun very awesome i'm excited for you to uh you've only been doing it four months so if this is something you love you know keep working at it it's like walking on your goddamn hands if you keep doing it you're gonna She goes, Sally Toregiani. Toregiani. You're welcome.

Baby shark. Baby shark. Baby shark. Hey, hey, hey. Back to the bucket, huh? How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this show? That's good, that's good, that's good. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? That's good. That's good. That's good. How many Legoland comedians do bad on this show?

Whoa. Look at that. Very interesting. All right. This has been a wild show so far. This is the first time we've had people walk on their hands, juggle, slinky. This is very exciting. Put your hands together for your next comedian.

Scott Roherson. Scott Roherson. Scott. Scott. I love you. You? No one? I don't see anything happening here.

Do we have our first blacklist? Wow, look at that. Wow. There you go. Blacklisted. There you go. All right. On to the next one.

Wait, no, there he is. Oh, here he comes. Scott Roherson, everybody. Hey. Go ahead. I'm not Scott Roherson. Scott. Okay.

Now that you said that, we got to get rid of you. Timmy. Timmy. Timmy. We have to pull another name out. If you do that, then people do that all the time. Yeah. But I will say this.

I will say this. I will say this. I started stand-up with this man at the Comedy Store 12 years ago. And he moved to New York. And I absolutely love him. Tony drives a Vette. And I live in Poughkeepsie. I'll see you after the show. I'm sorry.

I just can't let you up or else people do that. I know. And if you get pulled out, you'll come up. There he goes. Tim Knapp, everybody. Blacklisted. No, it's not blacklisted. Poor thing.

Don't ever do that, by the way. He tried. Yes. Don't ever do that. That's proof that even if I've known you for 12 years, I'll still kick you off the fucking stage if you do that. But I'll see you after the show, Tim. I love you, buddy. He's got weed for me.

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Stephen O'Brien, everybody. Stephen O'Brien. Wow, look at this. Holy shit. It's right here. Brian, you can't come over and play N64. I'm not sorry.

Exactly. I'm just as confused as you. He decided to steal my favorite Mickey Mouse cup. I forgot everything I was going to say. So I'm kind of just shitting out my brain. Fully prepared to totally fuck everything up. Just like most of the things in my life. I kind of feel like there's a fan inside my head right now.

It's just kind of going around. Everything's getting blended up. It's all becoming one giant mass of velvet Kangol hats. Steven! Fuck yeah. Hello. So, Steven. It's okay. First time doing stand-up, right? Yes. First time.

You blanked out. Happens to a lot of people. Happens to me. My first time. Yep, it happened to me. But I still got laughs my first time. I'm not funny. No, it's okay. Do you remember anything that you prepared now? Now that the pressure has lessened a little bit?

Now that you're just talking to someone else? Do you remember where you wrote your jokes at? Where were you? You had a picnic table? Were you at home? Were you wrote your jokes at? Where were you? You had a picnic table? Were you at home? Were you at a coffee shop? Where did you write the jokes that you wrote for tonight? In my bedroom.

In your bedroom. Were you laying in bed? Was it about masturbating? Was it about poop? No, it was not. It was about my uncle dying. What is it, your set list? No, it wasn't about masturbating and poop.

No, I don't masturbate very often, so I don't really have any material about it. Why? I'm actually celibate. Why is that? Why are you celibate? I just don't really like sex. Really? Is it just because no one wants to fuck you?

No, I have a girlfriend. You do? And you guys don't fuck? No, we do. I just don't like it. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Well, this is what your joke should have been about that you wrote. I wish I was fucking right now, dude. Have you always not liked it? No, I've liked it before. So why don't you like it now? Because once you go bison. All right. Why don't you like it now?

I don't know. It just kind of shifted, and now I'm not really into it. Are you sure that you're just not into her? Yeah. I don't know. It just kind of shifted, and now I'm not really into it. Are you sure that you're just not into her? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't... Does your girlfriend have a huge dick? No.

How long have you been with her for? I've been with her for like six months. She's actually in a treatment facility in Florida right now, so I haven't seen her in like... For what, drugs? Yeah, I haven't seen her in like four months. What kind of drugs? She's a heroin addict. Uh-huh, and she was a heroin addict when you met her?

Yeah. Well, there you go. That makes sense. Yeah. That means she likes to get stuck by things, dude. Yeah. Give her that needle, dude. Heck yeah.

It's weird that she's the heroin addict and you're the one that just likes to spoon. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Bison, for the bows. My goodness. Yeah, I'm kind of having a panic attack right now. It's okay. You're okay, dude.

You're okay. You've got to weather the storm. You're up here. Half the people on this stage have panic attacks regularly. I'm not going to tell you which half. Is she getting better? Florida seems like the worst place to get out off a drug.

I'm well aware. It's a good program that they have. They get you off heroin and onto crystal meth. She's not coming back. How do you know that? She told me. She said she's going to live in Florida? Yeah. Who knows what the

situation really is? She's obviously going to. Oh, I know. How do you know? Because she's told me several times. Why are you saying, if she's never coming back here, why are you saying that she's been gone for four months, yet you've been dating for six months? I mean, because I still talk to her every day.

Every day? Well, the good news is you get to keep wearing her blouse while she's gone. Steven, so that is one big... Yes, I don't have very well... I used to be very fat,

so most of my clothes are really big. How do you lose the weight? I'm doing drugs. You do drugs, too? Not anymore. I've been sober for five years. Sober for five years. That's awesome, man.

Congratulations. What drugs were you doing? I did a lot of research chemicals and MDMA and drank a shitload. Right. Research chemicals? Wait a second. Like random shit sent to me by Chinese guys that didn't necessarily know what they were making. What's the best or worst thing that ever happened to you while on

those drugs um i did this drug one time and i felt like okay so i guess my cat like crawled inside of my chest and then i went into the bathtub and i ended up throwing up in the bathtub like 15 times. Fuck yeah. So I'm just like sitting in a tub full of hot, well, not even hot anymore. It was just room temperature water, vomit and piss. And I was there for like two hours. And I thought I was going to die. It felt like I was flipping inside out like over and over and over again. What was the bad part of that? I know.

That sounds fucking awesome. That sounds amazing. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, that drug's called one time? I've got to try that, dude. My goodness. So you talk to this girl every day. Do you love her?

I don't know. Do you ever tell her that you love her? You guys tell each other that you love each other at the end of your conversations? Yeah, it's just? I think that she's a lot different than me. Yeah, it might be the meth. Wait, how do you

get Chinese research drugs? You just kind of skipped over that part. They gave it to us for free so that we would test it. How did Joyce give you those drugs? What? How did Joyce, the Asian woman that was up here earlier, how did she get you those drugs? What? How did Joyce, the Asian woman that was up here earlier, how did she get to those drugs?

Did you sign up online? From the internet? Yeah, I did. It was like a job, kind of, but I got paid in drugs. Oh, like Yoshi. So they would send us stuff, and I would write a report on what it did to me, and I would send it back to them. Let's get back to this chick now that we've covered this.

You were conducting research studies on yourself? Yes. Yep. They give you the drug. They tell you to write a report afterwards. Wow. That's why I don't do drugs anymore. Okay.

Stick with me over here. Steven, Steven, Steven, over here. So you tell this girl that you love her every time you talk once a day, right? No. No. No. But you have told each other that you love each other before. Yes. But now you don't know whether you love her.

Uh, yeah. I've been just questioning it a lot recently. Just certain things that she does and the way that I feel recently, like, I've been questioning it a lot recently, just certain things that she does and the way that I feel recently. Like, I've been doing a lot of different things in my life recently. Math. Stop.

Let him answer these fucking questions. I've actually recently joined a church with Mormons. Ah, yes, finally. Finally. Ah, yes. Finally. Mormons. My God. What kind of weird-ass Mormon joins the church and then stops fucking? That's not the reason.

I haven't really stopped doing anything that I did before besides cigarettes and alcohol, but I wanted to stop those anyway uh-huh like I still smoke weed every day right and you know I still live my life the same way I did yeah I just think it's nice to have like a group of people that care about your well-being and they and these people do yeah I've been surrounded by people who don't really care for a long time so

yeah you close with your parents my mom yeah my dad left when I was a kid yeah people do. Yeah. I've been surrounded by people who don't really care for a long time. So yeah. You close with your parents? My mom. Yeah. My dad left when I was a kid. Yeah. Where do you go? Florida. He's in California somewhere. Oh, okay. All right. Well, anything else we should know about you, Steven? That's very interesting stuff. I mean, the Mormon church, how did you even get into that? How did you just stumble across it? could knock on your door um i stopped and started talking to some missionaries and just kind of wait you optionally yeah i'm i'm a very open-minded person i don't really no no no me too but that's a lot even i mean you have to be like in a lonely place to be like, wait, you. I am lonely. And I don't really have anything going for me.

Don't say that. Where do you live, Steven? Me and my friend drove here from Burlington, Vermont. From where, Vermont? Burlington. Burlington. And that's a pretty big city, right? Yeah.

What do you like to do for fun? I mean, I write music. I sing. So you got that going for you? You got music going for you? You got singing? No, I'm not sad about my life. Then quit using that tone.

I'm just really nervous right now. We know. We're all really nervous, dude. We all have to do a show, and the pressure's on all of us. This is your very first time. We have to supposedly get funnier every single episode, so who's really under pressure right now, you fucking pussy? Anyway, can you give us a little example of some singing that you do?

I'm really excited to hear, because you seem really soft-spoken. You seem shy. We would love to hear you just belt out one line or verse of something. We just want to get a taste of what you sound like. So here he is singing a part of a song, whether he wants to

or not. Stephen O'Brien. It's violin? No. Could I come into your mouth? Could I come into your mouth Could I come into your mouth And say I didn't mean to But I'm not sorry Cause that's just seed

Wow Very cool Look at that Could I gouge out all your eyes Could I gouge out all your eyes And say it's okay Cause I can see you Oh that's just beat.

Where the fuck did that come from? What the hell? I write some serious songs and some comedy songs. Dude, you're meant to be a singer. You're secretly autistic and you write good music. I'm not secretly autistic. I'm very much autistic.

You've been diagnosed? Yes, I have Asperger's. Very good. We had a guy that was secretly autistic a few episodes ago. Dude. You have an amazing skill set, and let me tell you something, Stephen. You've got to start owning that, dude. You have to get out there, and you have to do exactly what Justin Wood Circus did.

You have to find a format on the Internet. You have to fucking put music out there. Hey, look at me, you fuck. You have to put music out there. You have to get on the internet. You have to fucking put music out there. Hey, look at me, you fuck. You have to put music out there. You have to get on the internet. You have to find what outlet or website works for you. He found something I never even heard of called TikTok. He has millions of fucking kids watching his

videos. Find a way to get your stuff out there. You'll end up making more friends that are like you, that have more in common with you, and then things are going to be okay. 4chan. Yes. Can I just say that your confidence level changed a thousand

percent whenever you said, can I come into your mouth? I mean, it was incredible. So, can we get to know that guy? I've never really tried writing jokes or anything. Like this show is literally my favorite thing in comedy at all.

Yeah. Like all of you guys are like just my favorite comedians all put together. Yeah. And it's just so amazing. Well, you'll be excited to know that you've been the longest interview of the night. And the reason why is because I knew that there was fucking something there and we cracked it here at the end and the advice that i'm giving you much more than i tell a lot of people will keep going up fucking you know this and that i mean that's fucking you know sort of bland advice in my

opinion but i'm serious i really really really want you to fucking put stuff out there start acting like a god damn songwriter and a singer and own that you're clearly not a fucking comedian you said you have hours of music fucking incredible dude and it seems to be funny

the first thing you fucking went into was fucking raw you did not hold back at all the total opposite guy that came up here and forgot everything that he wanted to talk about. There's definitely something with music where it just flows out of you. And if you have hours and hours of music, you have to get that shit

out there. It's exactly what you need to do. So it's us. You just told us we're your four favorite comedians. This is your favorite show, and we are purposely not just giving you advice. We are giving you a mission to fucking do that. All right? Yeah, my goal was to come up here and bomb

so that I could really just hear and get the confidence to move forward with... Well, you did it. ...me wanting to do this. Do it. You went above and beyond your goals, my friend. You bombed your goddamn ass off. Break up with that girl, though. Stephen O'Brien. Well, you did it. You went above and beyond your goals, my friend. You bombed your goddamn ass off.

Break up with that girl, though. Stephen O'Brien. Yeah, get rid of that girl. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's check in with Phil. And to give you more initiative, if you tweet at us one of your songs, we will retweet it or I'll feature it on Jeremiah Wonders or something. Hey, look at that. I love that.

I fucking love that. There he is. Stephen O'Brien, everybody. He's on Twitter at KidKrass. K-Y-D-K-R-A-S-S. Jeez Louise. Nope. Nope, that's not how we're doing it. Get the fuck out of here.

What the fuck are you doing, dude? Okay. Okay. Okay. I'd like to give people that try to interrupt the show less attention, but you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time, huh? We're running way out of time. I spent way too much time with my new fucking favorite singer, Stephen O'Brien. By the way, he's on Twitter at KidKrass.

K-Y-D-K-R-A-S-S. Fucking do it, dude. You have people that want to help you. Shut up. Put your hands together for your next comedian and your final comedian of the night. He goes by the name of Sean Donovan, everybody.

Sean Donovan. Here we go. Hey. What's up, guys? Keep it going for Kill Tony. Damn, all the way to Poughkeepsie. Yeah, you know, I just went to court today, and I went for, like, a phone ticket,

and it was a little weird. Like, when he pulled me over, he's like, do you know why I pulled you over? And I was like, actually, I have no idea over he's like do you know why i pulled you over and i was like actually i have no idea he's like you're on your phone and i was like no no i wasn't it's like yeah you were i was like no i wasn't i was like where does this leave us obviously i got a fucking ticket so i went to court today and i was a little nervous because i haven't got a ticket in a while and uh it was in the middle of nowhere like kerhanks and and it was like an hour yeah exactly kerhanks was in the middle of nowhere, like, Kerhonson. And it was, like, an hour.

Yeah, exactly, Kerhonson. What the fuck is that? So, like, I was nervous. I was like, oh, I don't want to be, like, profiled like a punk ass. So, like, I wore a button-up shirt and everything. I get there, and it's, like, the most white trash people I have ever seen in my life. And I was like, oh, we're good. And then the judge comes out,

and it's, like, the fucking oldest guy I've ever seen in my life. And he's just like, all right, Sean, you got a cell phone ticket, and you got no points on your license. So I guess we're going to drop it down to a stop sign ticket. And I was like, oh, that's good. And he looked behind me, and all the fucking sign ticket. And I was like, oh, that's good. Looked behind me and all the fucking people were just staring at me like, this motherfucker right here got off.

Wow. Yeah, that was a little rough. Yikes. Sean. Wow. Did that really happen today? It actually did happen today. What were you going to talk about if that didn't happen today? Honestly, I have no idea. Would you have signed up if that nothing burger story didn't happen today?

Maybe. Maybe. You would have. I've never done stand-up before. No, we know. Yeah, I know, right? That definitely showed. That's beyond not doing stand-up. I was interested to see what happened, but nothing happened.

Did anything happen? No, literally nothing happened. I was worried about it all day, but nothing happened. Did anything happen? No, literally nothing happened. I was worried about it all day, and then I got there, and like I said, it was way different than I thought. It was like this old-ass plantation-looking place. Let me ask you something. My mind is blown because you know this show, right? Yeah.

You know that it's a comedy show. I know. And you're admitting that there's nothing funny about the story. No, there's literally nothing. So what is your... I don't know. I was. And you're admitting that there's nothing funny about the story. No, there's literally nothing. So what is your... I don't know. I was going to try for the angle to be funny.

Like, I thought about it earlier and it was pretty funny. You were going to try for the angle of being funny. What does that mean to you? I don't know. Like, what does that mean? Clearly, I have no idea.

You have no idea. Okay, let's check in with... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I mean, yeah, that's just absolutely... You literally, admittedly, chose an unfunny story for your first time pulled out of the bucket.

So we're just going to pull somebody else out of the bucket. That's fine. Let's move on. Let's do it. Back to the bucket we go. Can I just say, we've had a couple episodes on the road lately where if you're a fan of the show

and you don't have anything like jokes, you don't have to sign up. It's cool that you're here. We appreciate it, but don't do that. I can't believe we even have to say that on this show. Why would you want to die a slow death? We need to think of something that we do

every time that happens. Yeah, it's just tell them that that was nothing. Make them feel like shit and then send them on their way. Bring a spray bottle and spray them like a cat. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night. Igor Drown, everyone. Igor. Oh, here he

is. Here he is. This guy's on a fucking mission. Holy shit, everyone. I didn't think I was going to get picked, is what everybody says when they come up here, but I totally did because I put my name in a bucket full of people that might get picked tonight. I actually made the bucket tonight.

That was me. I didn't put my name on it. So we have a redneck ghost problem in upstate New York, where I'm from. Sounds crazy, but sometimes I'll go take a shit, and I'll get out of the bathroom, my beer will be half gone. I'll go to smoke my bowl, and my bowl will be scraped for resin. The thing looks brand new every time I use it. I'll go get a gas.

I go in. I buy some scratch-off tickets. I'm pumping gas. And then there's a monster sticker on the back of my windshield. I get back inside in my car, and all my scratch-off tickets are scratched off. Fuck yeah, dude.

Yo. Yo. Craziest shit ever. Are you about to break out into a freestyle rap right now? No, no, no, no, no, no. This guy right here, Steven. Yeah. We fucking grew up together in Burlington.

I haven't seen this kid since he was a crazy fucking drug addict motherfucker. Yeah. This is the first time I see this kid in he was a crazy fucking drug addict motherfucker. Yeah. This is the first time I see this kid in like 10 fucking years, and he's on stage, dude, doing good with his life. Yo, one million percent better than when he was 10 years ago. You're doing good, bro. I love that. Keep it up.

Keep it up. And I think 10 years from now, you're going to be a million times better than you were today as well. That is so interesting. Igor, that is so fucking cool. You're so smooth and collected up here. You've been doing stand-up a couple years? This is my first time on stage. What? Really? Wow.

That's so cool. Wow. It's possible to do this for the first time and prepare and execute as if though you've seen the show more than one time. That's incredible. Fucking amazing. You live around here? I live in upstate New York right across the lake from

Burlington, Vermont. Well, I don't know if you know this or not, but I am really excited that you made it to this show because we're never going farther north in New York than this ever. I know I heard that podcast. Toronto, maybe. Yeah. That's incredible. What do you do for work up there? It's boring as fuck, and I'd rather not talk about it.

Oh, okay. If you don't want to. Boring as fuck. Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Anything you do? Anything in your life, your past that we should know about? Anything exciting? I'm originally from Russia.

I moved here when I was like 12. Really? Crazy story. My parents are from Russia as well. I got adopted to get citizenship. Oh, okay. Crazy story. I didn't know Russia as well. I got adopted to get citizenship. Oh, okay. Crazy story.

I didn't know they had bison in Russia. Look at your fucking head and shoulders. You're a bovine creature if I've ever seen one. Totally agree. This crazy story better not have to do with you getting pulled over while texting. No. One time when I was in high school, i got arrested for smoking pot and they put me on probation and i had to speak to a probation worker and i was really political at the time i was 16 and um i told the probation worker somebody ought to shoot the president which

was george bush at the time and secret services came to my fucking school, dragged me out of school, brought me to my house, searched my whole house and told me that kill my entire family. Wow. They said that? Yeah. They go, we will kill your entire family. Literally, that's what he said to me. And he said, nobody will ask one question. Literally, dude.

And from that day on, I didn't fuck with college. I have really bad news for you Igor you just said that on a podcast about the secret service who probably can kill your entire family and they probably will this is such a crazy way to murder

your family it's like hilarious and dramatic at the same time just in case they do it one day just so you guys know that's's what they're going to do. We really do. All right. Your name's Igor? Yeah.

You're like if the machine was a cotton candy machine. I'm sorry. All right, Mr. President, you can chill out for a bit. Igor, so the Secret Service did that, and then your parents are Russian. What are they doing here? My mom actually married an American guy. She got a divorce, and I got adopted. She got a divorce, you got adopted.

That's how I got citizenship. That's cool. The legal way. You got adopted by what, like a high school buddy's parents or something? No, just some random hippie dude. He actually doesn't even live in this country anymore. Where does he live? Thailand.

Wow. Wow. Sketchy as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was your mom a prostitute? Like a Russian prostitute or something? I'm starting to think so, maybe. My goodness.

I don't talk to her much. But you must be really grateful for that guy that adopted you in the middle of it. No, I am. This country's great. I love America. Please don't do anything to me. This guy sounds like a spy if I've ever heard of him. Yeah, dude.

For sure. The Secret Service can kill his family because they never existed. It's incredible, Igor. What do you do for fun? Fun hobbies? You seem like a paintball assassin. I work all the fucking time and I just listen to podcasts. I've been listening to you guys since

day one, first podcast. Yeah, I was going to fly out to Cali this summer with my brother to see you guys, but then you guys just happened to be here. You have a brother? Your real brother? Blood brother? I have 12 siblings All together

Really? Yeah And did that one guy That moved to Thailand Adopt all of you? No he only adopted Like three of us Wow

Did he like pick Like at a dog pound Like oh that one's cute I'll take that one The one with the Tight as asshole Like a Yeah yeah yeah

It was more like that Definitely got that vibe from him. Is that true? No, no, no, no. My older siblings were just older, and they weren't living with my parents anymore at the time. All right. Well, I fucking loved your set, man.

Incredible for a first time. Thanks, man. I mean, just mind-boggling for a first-time set. I thought for sure two to four years. You're so comfortable up here. Why do you think you feel so natural up here? I don't know. I thought I was going to freak the fuck out when I came on here.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I've never been on stage before in my life. That's crazy. You've got to keep on doing this, man. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. I think we're all finding out that you have some very natural talent up here very rarely do more people get more calm when they hit the stage

but you just did, one more time for your final comedian Igor Drown we did it, we fucking did it people and that's what it looks like thank you so much. The first ever Kill Tony Poughkeepsie. Thank you, everybody, for coming out. We're going to be back there taking pictures with you,

slinging posters and pins. There's the brand spanking new Kill Tony pin available for you. And there's also a Tony Hinchcliffe pin. If you'd like, I can draw facial hair on it. It comes without facial hair, but I can put facial hair on. I leave the spot in the middle of my mustache blank.

And, yeah, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Make some noise for him. There he is. Jeremiah Wonders is his podcast. A new episode with Dean Del Rey is out now. Another roadcast coming up. A Jeff Ross episode coming up. He's got Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube.

The new Reagan and Watkins album available at reaganandwatkins.com. And you guys have some amazing tour dates coming up. Why don't you tell the listeners about that? Yeah, we'll be in San Diego. We'll be at Phoenix and Stand up live in mid-July and Huntington Beach and bring William Montgomery and Joel Jimenez to the Huntington Beach shows.

It'll be fun. I love it. Jeremiah. How loud can this place get for the great Joelberg Joel Jimenez, huh? Joelberg's on Twitter at MostlySorry. This is his first time performing comedy in Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie.

Shout out to John for providing the drums tonight. Hey, John. Fucking winner, winner. Chicken dinner. Heck yeah. And we love you guys. This is so fun. I mean, I gave you that information for a reason.

10 p.m. tomorrow, if you have the balls. We're so excited about who our guest is. I am excited, too. Just a little inside information. How about one more time for Brian Redman? He needs the love tonight. And thank you to you guys. Good night, everybody. See you guys. Good night, everybody. See you guys. Thank you.