KILL TONY - KILL TONY #370 - NYC #2

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Gilbert Gottfried, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/20/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Ooh, French lavender soy blend candle. I told you HomeSense has good gift options. Hmm, Well, I don't know. Mom's gonna

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Deal so good, everyone approves. Only at HomeSense. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at the world-famous Comedy Store every Monday, but we are on the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at the

World Famous Comedy Store every Monday, but we are on the road. July 10th will be in Plano, Texas at the Hyenas. July 11th, Fort Worth, Texas. July 25th will be in Philadelphia at the Fillmore Theater.

And July 26th will be in Pittsburgh. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out that for everything Golden Pony, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode, he makes posters, he made the book. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, shop squad.tv. The official merchandise of the Death Squad universe and Kill Tony.

Check out Kill Tony t-shirts, Death Squad hats and mugs. Go to shop squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Gramercy Theater in New York City for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hetzclan. New York City Late Show. Let's fucking do this shit.

Woo-wee. The great Brian Redman is here, ladies and gentlemen. Yowie wowie. How exciting is this? You guys ready for a fucking special late night Gramercy Theater? Motherfucking New York City. Fuck yeah. Wow, is this exciting.

This is so much fun. We're pumped to get into things. We have so much special, special, special fun planned for you. But first, I'm just going to remind the listeners of this podcast that July 25th, the Fillmore in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, we're doing our biggest show ever, over 2,200 people at the Fillmore in Philly, July 25th. That goes for you guys too if you're willing to make a drive, you fucking animals. And we just added a show in Plano, Texas for that run the first weekend or second weekend of July. Check it out.

That's squad.tv, tonyhingecliff.com for tickets. A bunch of stand-up dates just got added to tonyhingecliff.com for Florida. Congratulations to you. I very rarely go there, but here we go. Nothing better than Florida in August and September.

Fuck my agents. fuck my life. This is very exciting. So I'm training for the humidity here in New York today on this beautiful, rainy, thunderous night of destiny. I feel it. I feel you people. I'm so excited for it.

So let's just jump right the fuck into it shall we a reminder that uh ryan j.e belt of course could not make it tonight however he did send along with us some of the coolest posters he's ever made a special kill tony versus new york uh poster that features a bunch of us as fun characters brian is the stay puff Man. I'm Godzilla. Why do I have to? Feminist Stacy's on it. But normally we go guest list on these shows, but New York, I fucking love you. But I guarantee you that I am more excited about this guest than you fucking could ever imagine. I've wanted this guy on this show for six years.

He's a true New York monster. We've never even had the chance to get him before. And everybody is so pumped to have him here. We hope you're as excited as we are for the king of the aristocrats, the amazing roaster, the brilliant, brilliant comedian, the one, the only, Gilbert Godfed! New York is on their motherfucking feet for the great and powerful Gilbert Godfrey.

A standing ovation to start the show, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. We have wanted him for a long time. Gilbert is the host of Gilbert Godfrey's amazing, colossal podcast at gilbertpodcast.com, cameo.com, and gilbertgodfrey.com for tour dates. And you are with us on Kill Tony for the first time, Gilbert. Yeah, and now that I've got my plugs in, I'm leaving. Yeah. No sense talking, acting like I'm interested.

I want to sell some tickets. Get the hell out. We'll get you in and out of here tonight. We're excited. I truly mean it. I don't think the cast of this show has ever been this excited for a guest. We're going to watch people try. Some of them are going to be doing stand-up comedy for the very first time tonight, Gilbert.

I have a bunch of names in this bucket. But joining all of us tonight, believe it or not, Gilbert, this show, as crazy as it is, we also have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. You guys love them. I love them. They're one of my favorite things in all of comedy. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's a new character.

Sometimes it's the return of one of their famous characters from previous episodes. So let's all find out what they are tonight together. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Here we go.

Let's see what they are. Whoa! Oh! Aladdin, what? This is crazy. Whoa, he's on the carpet. He's on his motherfucking carpet. Hello.

Hello, Tony. How are you? I'm doing well. What's your name? Aladdin. Wow. You're Aladdin. It's spelled A-L-A-T-I-N.

Aladdin. You are. Now, this isn't the Will Smith version, is it? Not at all. Because I'm getting the fuck out of it. I love it. I've never seen a Mexican sneak into the country via a magic carpet before, but I guess you're the first one to do it.

This is fun. You rolling solo tonight? I feel like we're missing somebody. I mean, yeah, you know, I may have a friend coming in a little bit. Oh, he's just going to come? Let's just say, uh, uh, uh. Oh, okay. Let's say if I had three wishes, one would be to think of something to say right now.

I love it. So it appears... Actually, here it comes. Oh. Wow. Oh, he's going to rub the lamp. For those of you just listening, he's rubbing the lamp and...

Whoa! Whoa! Wow. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow. How exciting. Wow. Is that chemo?

I've never seen this before. I didn't realize the Blue Man Group had such hard nipples. This is so exciting. Wow. Look at you. He's excited to be here. Iago, it's good to see you. Wow.

What's your name? Genie. Oh, you're the genie. I love it. So we got the genie. We got Aladdin. Heck yeah. Some brand new characters tonight for the late show in Gramercy. I'm excited about this.

So they're going to stay up here with us the whole time, Gilbert. We got Red Band on sound, which brings me to this little tiny bucket of destiny. It's like the opposite from the first show. I downgraded from It's like the opposite from the first show. I downgraded from the giant bucket that we had the first show. I didn't want to obstruct people

in the front row's views of my beautiful, beautiful skull. But I put all the names in here. A bunch of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted and then go through an interview process with us all up here. Comedians, if you get pulled out of the bucket,

if you're lucky enough to have your opportunity here tonight, you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry Chelsea Bear. Whoa. You guys ready for this? It's the Late Show, baby. Yay!

With Gilbert motherfucking Godfrey. Wow! Tony, you ever seen a genie that's going through chemo? I know. My goodness. Seem to be losing a little bit of hair. It's pretty wild.

It's very scary. I didn't realize that. I mean, how did you do that? Half of it's falling out. pretty wild. It's very scary. I didn't realize that. I mean, how did you do that? Half of it's falling out. Pretty wild. Okie dokie. You guys ready to start this thing? I pulled a name out of the bucket. We're going to get started with a lady.

Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Jane Riccobono. Here we go. We're getting the party started. There she is. You're coming up front and then you're going that way. The entrance way is right over here. So remember that for the rest of the night.

Yeah, alright. Come on, Late Show. You guys ready for this shit or what? Here she is. Jane Riccobono. I am a midwife, which means I deliver babies. And people think that because I deliver babies, I like babies. And it's not that I don't like babies. I like babies.

I just don't like them so much that I want my own. That's like going to eat at a fancy restaurant and getting a meal and liking it so much you buy the restaurant. I don't just deliver babies. I also do sexual health. So I'm a big proponent of using condoms, etc. I do think that we would have more success with our young people if in our sex ed classes we talked less about using a condom and how that you should use one and more about

how much you're not gonna want to. Using a condom is like having a delicious ice cream cone and bringing it to your mouth and then right before you take a bite someone just puts a plastic bag over it. I recently went through a breakup and I went through this getting my groove back thing and doing yoga and meditation and my friend called me. She's like, how are you?

I'm like, I feel lighter. I feel good. She's like, yeah, you got rid of all that baggage. I'm like, no, I lost 15 pounds. There you go. Jane Riccobono, everybody. Heck yeah.

Welcome to the show, Jane. Heck yeah. Welcome to the show, Jane. Heck yeah. You ain't never had a friend like me. What was that, Jeannie? What'd you say? You ain't never had a friend like me. Okay. Okay. Why was that again? You ain't never had a friend like me.

Gilbert Godfrey. I love it. I had no idea that the genie had a speech defect. You ain't never had a friend

like me. There you go. Alright. Alright. Genie's throwing out all of his jokes real quick here. Right from There you go. All right. All right. Genie's throwing out all of his jokes real quick here, right from the top. So, Jane, welcome to the show. That's your first time doing stand-up? Yes.

Hey, look at that. She popped her cherry here tonight, which is really hard for a midwife to do. It's very hard to be a midwife and pop your cherry. How long have you been a midwife for? About a year. About a year. So you've had a baby? 49.

49. Wait, what? What exactly is a midwife? Yeah. Can you remind us of exactly what a midwife does? For a second, I thought you were the one having the baby, but clearly you're like... Delivering.

You're delivering. Oh. I was going to say, your poor vagina. Oh, see. Childbirth makes me sick. I'm not a big fan of childbirth, yeah. You know, once they're there cleaned off fine But So what's

The most dangerous thing you have What's the most worst thing With a delivery I'm scaring myself Now Did you ever Have the biblical cord The biblical cord That's I'm scaring myself now. Did you ever have the unbiblical cord? The biblical cord.

That's when Moses shows up. When Moses comes out of the vagina, that is the biblical cord. Yes. And also the Ten Commandments fall out. Yes. And also the Ten Commandments fall out. Yes. What's your answer to that question, Jane? I love it. So what made you want to start? So you help people have babies. What made you want to start doing that?

help people have babies what made you want to start doing that oh I wanted to help women in some way and I became a doula a volunteer doula which is like a birth coach and that's how I first was introduced to the birth process and just thought it was so powerful but I wanted to be a part of it yeah Yeah. The doula. You get paid good money for that job? Oh, yeah. You really do, right? Has Christ ever fallen out of a woman's vagina? Good question. We don't learn that in midwifery school.

Oh, that's great. What made you want to do stand-up comedy here tonight? She was having a midwife crisis. Hey! You ain't never had a friend like me. Wow. Boy, have I been corrected. You do got jokes, huh, buddy?

Wow. The great Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen, underneath there, believe it or not. Wow. Jane, that is so cool. You listen to the show a lot? I just heard about it from my friends, actually. That is so interesting.

You're so soft-spoken and, like, nice and adorable. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I get that a lot. Yeah. When did you make the decision that you were going to sign up for this and take a chance at it? Today. Wow.

That is so interesting. Do you think this is something you might do again sometime? Maybe. You like the feeling that you're feeling right now? Look at those people out there. It's a very supportive audience. I appreciate that. Thank you. Heck yeah. I love it, Jane. That is so

so cool. I just love it. That is so interesting. But you don't have any babies yourself, right? No. Have you ever thought about stealing one of them? Are you one of those kinds? You comb their hair real slow and like, you could be mine. All right.

Red band. You're misbehaving. But you don't have any children of your own You have a boyfriend? No Oh, alright You just like watching other people do this stuff That's just your thing It's like no babies for me

I've seen what it does to a pussy We'll see, we'll see Yeah, maybe one day Heck yeah Alright, Jane Well, you got us started here tonight. You birthed tonight's show by going up first. How about that?

There she goes. Jane Riccobono, everybody. Her first time ever doing stand-up comedy here on Kill Tony, the late show at the Gramercy Theater. How exciting is this? You guys having fun yet out there, huh? All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's just keep it moving along.

Let's see another 60 seconds, this time from Sally Toregiani. Sally Toregiani. That sounds familiar. Yeah, we know her. Hey, wow. We saw Sally in Poughkeepsie last night. I'm actually quite surprised that she signed up again for this show. Wasn't she in Vancouver also?

Hey. One more time for Sally Toregiani. All right. I hate condoms. I think we can all agree with that. Ultra ribbed for her pleasure? No. Condoms to me are like, they feel like a noise.

They feel like terrible. Just in my opinion. Fire and ice? Who thought of that? A guy at the gym when he was just like rubbing Bengay on his tricep like, wow, this is really nice. You know where it would feel even better? In someone's vagina than I'm pounding out. No, it's like a UTI waiting to happen.

How about that? No? Just me? Okay. You wear protection. Do you have kids? Okay. Pulling out didn't work. So you agree with me.

You don't like condoms. Condoms. So you agree with me. You don't like condoms. All right. I don't know what the fuck's going on here, Sally. Sally, you don't do crowd work. Sir.

Sir. Over here. Yeah, you. For the rest of the episode, shut the fuck up. Do I have to tell you that? Have you ever not listened to the fucking show before, sir? Oh, you're going to cheers about that with this fucking slime ball? Really?

You're going to cheers about interrupting somebody's 60 seconds, even though I'm positive you didn't have the fucking balls to sign up tonight. Hell yeah. Guys with neck tattoos don't have the balls to sign up for this show. It's just a fact. They just have weak chins. They wear their emotions on their skin. I love it. How about one more time for the slightly interrupted Sally Toregiani?

She doesn't like condoms. Heck yeah. Has anyone ever told you you have genie nips? Heck yeah. Has anyone ever told you you have genie nips? Heck yeah. I have an innie nipple. What? Yeah. Its name is Cedric.

So like only one gets hard. Is it because that one's the entertainer? What's the other one's name? I didn't name it. I like to name my defects of my body. Can you do voices for both of you? Oh, I'm a nanny. Oh, no.

How do you do over here? Oh, I'm a nanny. Hey, how do you do over there? You got it. You got it. I'm in burden. I love it. So, Sally, you were on last night's show in Poughkeepsie.

I was. We found out that you can walk on your hands. I can. I got to see this. Yeah. Sally, would you mind walking on your hands for the great Gilbert Gottfried? Heck yeah. Here we go.

Walking on her hands live at the Gramercy Theater. Come on. Make some noise for Sally Toregiani. Here we go. Anything can happen. Where's she going? You want to go that way? All right, here she comes.

Wow, look at that. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, that was incredible. Mind-blowing. The only thing that could have made that better is if tits fell out. Yeah.

Look at those. Tony, that would have been using one of your wishes. Wow. Well, now I've... Wow. Well, now I've got to sit here with a hard on. It's kind of uncomfortable when I'm looking at you with a throbbing hard on.

I can... Just keep looking at me. I'll take care of it. I promise. I'll finish it off. If you could give me a handy under take care of it. I promise. I'll finish it off. If you could give me a handy under the table. Okay, I promise. Yes.

This is a real wild episode so far. I love it. So, Sally Torrigiani, this is what? Your second time doing stand-up comedy? No. Oh. How long have you been doing it? Four months.

Four months. And where do you live again? Poughkeepsie. You live again Poughkeepsie you live in Poughkeepsie so you did you made the trip here tonight yeah we did you got the you had the bug last night were you planning on coming to this show regardless of last night um after last night I definitely wanted to come I love it and then I came with my fellow comedian Renee oh so she right okay there you go. Heck yeah.

Last night we found out that you are currently as of a week, you're in a week-long relationship with a, what is it, an Italian? I'll then get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I was being nice to you before, thinking I could get some. Fuck you. Fuck you and your guinea boyfriend. Your fucking greaseball boyfriend. Fuck him.

Yes. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is amazing. Yeah, that was great. Oh, my God. I love it. So, Sally, tell us something about you that we didn't find out about you last night.

You've had a day to think about it. Good luck. No, I'm not interested in talking to her anymore. You know, it's like when I thought I could get laid then it's like really you bought those shoes in a store I'm so fascinated

go home and fuck your guinea boyfriend you know what you know what I'm gonna let Gilbert I'm gonna let Gilbert call his shot I like it I'll tell you this is I liked I'm gonna be honest with you I remember you

clearly from last night and I liked tonight's set more than I liked last night so you know it's pretty impressive that in 24 hours you were able to make a different set list, think about it clearly, make adjustments, and fucking do better. That is so cool. Congratulations. How about one more time

for Sally Toregiani. I like a good Italian name. I'm good at Italian names. Sally Toregiani. Thank you. Italian name. Sally Toregiani.

How about a hand for the band making new music every episode? Killing it. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show with their 60 seconds? How many of you like it when people come up here, they sign up, and they bomb on this show? Wow. Whoa. You guys are ruthless. This really is the fucking late show, New York City.

I like it. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Joe Verney, everybody. Joe Verney. Here he comes. Wow. One more time for Joe, everybody. What's up, New York? So I was trying to think of jokes for tonight, and the biggest I could think of was my own life, because I'm 20 years old in my mom's house, and I broke my arm trying to learn how to skateboard while I'm 20. You know, it could have started when I was 12 years old,

but I guess not. The worst part about breaking your arm is that everybody comes up, and they're trying to give you sympathy, but I did it to my fucking self, so it's not really worth a shit. Whew. Fuck this. Okay.

Oh, God. I got a couple bad jokes. I don't know. You know, you like holding the door open for people, but just standing in the way of the automatic sensor really doesn't have the same feel to it. You know? They just kind of get the fuck out of my way.

I don't really... Oh, man. This is Gilbert Gottfried right next to me. Cop it out. There you go, Joe Verney. Heck yeah. Feeling the heat. I love it.

My goodness. Look at you. You look like a giant third grader. Look at you. A big purple cast. That's the one that you picked? Oh, yeah. My goodness.

It looks like a casting call for Saturday Night Fever. Can you do a little disco in that thing for us? All you have to do is turn it upside down if you're wondering. You have to go like that. There you go. Very good. Hell yeah. I can't believe I had to explain that to you, Joe.

Joe, how old are you? I'm 20 years old. 20 years old. Wow, you can't even drink yet and you have a broken purple arm. You really did that skateboarding at your mom's house. Yeah. No. My girlfriend's house.

Oh, your girlfriend's house. I thought you said you live with your mom? Yeah. Yeah, you do. Okay. I misheard you. I either misheard you or I was a psychic and could just tell that you live with your mom. So you were at your girlfriend's house skateboarding.

Where were you skateboarding in the house? Not in the house. It was outside. They have a makeshift ramp. I actually broke my arm exactly how Jeremiah did, dropping in when I didn't have any idea how to do that. Wow. What do you think about that, Jeannie? He just said that. I mean, I didn't know Jeremiah had a broken arm for a while

Because, I mean, it is true He tried a trick that he didn't know how to do But what do you think about this little 20-year-old punk telling you that? I wish we were not in the same category I love it Joe, you left left handed or right handed right handed wow so you're still just jerking it like an animal

just fucking 20 years old guns a blazing non stop I love it man and my goodness what do you do for work boring what is it, comedy? Okay.

Fair, fair. Just, it's a really boring desk job at the computer all day, just listening to podcasts to get through and music. What do you do at the computer? Polls. New Jersey, I do telephone polls. I make sure they get replaced. Like political polls? Nope.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Telephone polls in the street. I got to make sure that they actually get fucking replaced. Like political polls? Nope. No, no, no, no, no. Telephone polls in the street. I gotta make sure that they actually get fucking replaced. Kill me. Wow. It's temporary, so I could start doing comedy eventually, maybe.

When you say start doing comedy, you mean this was your first time tonight. Wow. That is so cool. And you really mean it. This is something that you want to do. This is something that in your head you've planned to do full time and you're just squeezing out this telephone pole job until you can do it. Yeah, absolutely. I've just been stalling for just way too long. My goodness. That is so exciting that you chose here to start. I'm a huge fan.

How long have you been planning on doing this? Two years, maybe. Planning, not really, but I'm telling you. Red band nailing it. Two years, man. I mean, so

what else about you? Tell us more. What's it like being a fucking 20-year-old? You live here in New York City? No, I'm from Jersey. Oh, okay. Yeah. Wow. Boring small town in Jersey.

The best thing that ever happened there was Bruce Springsteen left. He was born and raised there. Wow. Way to go anti-Bruce Springsteen to an American audience. Fuck. Wow. Way to get the crowd on your side. You don't like the boss?

Yeah. That was the big thing that you had loaded up? Yeah, the best thing about Jersey is Bruce Springsteen left. Cricket, cricket, cricket. Tell us more about you. What do you do for fun? Well, I try to skateboard, and I also just... Too much smoking weed and playing video games.

I get out and try to... Was trying to do stuff physical, but now I'm a little bit... I got an excuse to sit on the couch. Wow, the broken arm really is the most interesting thing about you. It's so bad. It's so bad. Yeah, I'm going to check in with the genie. Yeah, your father called. He wished he never had you.

The genie's got all these wish jokes. I love it. Weird fact I thought of to bring up. My parents divorced, so for a couple of years before they did, they stayed in the same house, and my dad would sleep in the basement in a hammock. Oh. So I'm on track.

I'm on track. Wow, so I'll say it again. One more joke like that, and I'll break your other arm. Not a joke. 100% true. I love it. I love it. I love it.

So your dad slept in a hammock for like years just because he's crazy. My goodness. Could have had a bed most likely. Right. I actually know something about that. When I was broke

and when I first moved to LA, I had like in my budget like 150 bucks for like a bed basically when I moved in with my brother. And we went to a Costco to see what we could do. And I saw a hammock and I'm like, I'll put the fucking bedroom. I'll put that hammock in my new little bedroom area. And it was the worst decision I ever made. It's literally you cannot imagine the pain when you wake up every hour and a half sleeping on a hammock. Basically, my entire body was shaped like a letter C for

three months of my life. It was crazy. So yeah. How old were you when your parents divorced? I was probably in like freshman year high school. Wow. Freshman year high school. That must have broke your heart. Did you put it in a purple cast? Yeah. Have you used that eggplant on your girlfriend yet? Yeah, how long have you been with this girlfriend, and what base have you made it to with her? It's about probably nine months now. Nine months.

Heck yeah. You're about ready for a midwife to make you a baby. Oh, another fun fact. I remembered I was actually born in my house, so she could have helped deliver me. Wow. Hey, another fun fact. I had a cucumber last week on a salad.

I love your fun facts. They might be the least amount of fun I've ever had in my life. Here's another fun fact. Air has oxygen in it. What the fuck? No, they didn't take me to a hospital. They just laid a tarp out on the ground or something. So your mom's shit all over the place at your house.

Oh, come on. Red man. Jesus, someone needs to lay off the Red Bull over here. All right. Well, Joe, I'll tell you, man's what i love about this is that you're only 20 years old and that you believe that you're gonna do this uh as a career and the fact that you had no that's not i guess it is sort of a joke but we'll find out in a few years how funny it was because i have a feeling starting at 20 and chasing your dreams, I really

think that you have probably a promising future ahead of you. You have no idea right now what's funny but I think it'll grow on you. Gilbert? And if things don't work out between you and this girlfriend of yours, we know a girl

who walks on her hands. Heck yeah. Well, Joe, congratulations, and go live your life, dude. 20 years old. There he goes. Joe Verney, everybody. Heck yeah.

We're in it to win it tonight. This is a wild one. I'm excited about this. Heck yeah. How many of you, this is the first Kill Tony you've ever been to? How many of you have been to a show before

live? There you go. 50-50. Interesting. I love this. This is an interesting name. I know a wild name when I see one. It looks like it's all one word. I'm going to say it like it's one word. Put your hands together

for Michaela Lazuski. Michaela Lazuski. Someone just got up right over there. Here we go. While she's coming up here, I'm going to mention some Gilbert Gottfried dates coming up. Tomorrow night he's in Petoskey, Michigan.

June 27th in Teaneck, New Jersey. Keep playing, guys. June 28th and 29th at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut. July 5th and 6th at Silver Birches in Holly, PA. July 20th at McGuire's in Bohemia, New York. August 2nd, the Gathering of the Juggalos in Springfield, Indiana. August 3rd in Indiana. One more time for... What the fuck is up, New York City? of the Juggalos in Springfield, Indiana. August 3rd in Indiana.

One more time for... What the fuck is up, New York City? Kayla Lazuski, ladies and gentlemen. How we all doing? Having a good time? Fucking kill Tony. I made it, right? My accent's a little hard to place, but I am actually from New York,

from Staten Island. We're the borough of parks and racism. I recently started visiting this new pork store. It's like a deli. A huge, huge variety of meat. Amazing selection. It's called Tinder. The samples are fantastic, you guys. Oh, Jesus. I love to just swipe on my meat. I went on a date with this magician, actually,

and I don't hate magicians, but don't try and fool me. The best part of the date was the sex. I don't know if anyone's ever had magic sex, but that's when at the end, all of a sudden, poof, they disappear. Best fucking kind. Thank you, guys. Michaela Lazuski, ladies and gentlemen. Heck yeah.

All right. What's up, guys? This is the first time on Kill Tony, right? Yep. First time at the Gramercy Theater, not going by the name Lisa Loeb? Yeah. Pretty much, yep. Heck yeah. First time doing

stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for about three months now. Oh, cool. Three months. That's so awesome. How's it been going for you? Pretty good. I've done New York Comedy Club a couple times. Very cool. Got a couple shows next month. Yeah.

Here and there. That's awesome. Are you originally from New York, born and raised? Staten Island, baby. Wow. Staten Island, baby. Yeah. Heck yeah.

I like the baby that you put on there at the end. Sadly, yeah. Really spiced it up, librarian style. Staten Island baby? Yeah. I love it. Wow, what do you really do for work? I work at a tattoo shop, actually.

Wow. I'm not a tattoo artist. I'm just shop bitch, so. You're a tattoo artist. You're just what? I'm not a tattoo artist. I'm just the shop bitch. Oh.

I manage the money. I pay the artists. I manage everything just the shop bitch. I manage the money. I pay the artists. I manage everything. Oh, wow. How do you get into that? You start dating a tattoo artist and he's like, hey, I want you at the shop. I don't want you fucking around with Mario. All right?

You stay right fucking here with me. You're going to manage everything. You pay everybody out. I'll make you feel real important. How do you think I afford my tattoos? Say that important. How do you think I afford my tattoos? Say that again? How do you think I afford the tattoos? What?

They're mostly free. How do you think I afford them? Come on. Oh, I see. Yeah. They pay you in tattoos. What an amazing, amazing economical advantage you have figured out. economical advantage you have figured out.

Now is Shop Bitch your actual title? Is that self-proclaimed? You say that on your pay stub when you clock in. It goes, clocking in, Shop Bitch. Exactly. That's how the IRS, they're like,

Shop Bitch, alright, we got that. Wow, look at you. Your voice is sexy and creepy at. All right. We got that. Wow. Look at you. Your voice is sexy and creepy at the same time. I know. I know. You have no idea. We can't hear you over the laughter. You gotta wait. You have no idea. It's very weird

to be like, when I'm on a date or something, and we just made it, I'm just like, yo, that was so awesome. I've been working on it. I'm dating again. I just got out of a nine year relationship. Oh, wow. Nine year relationship. That's incredible. Let's check back

in with that genie over there. Yeah, I think she I think she pretty sure she contacted my spirit once on Long Island Medium. Did we match on Tinder? I think we did. Yep, and poof, I was gone. That's right, baby. Wow.

It's the best kind. Best kind. I think the genie's right. There is something wild about your voice. Can you give us a little example of what your type of dirty talk might sound like? Can you give us like some, I mean, it doesn't matter what you say.

If you could just give us an example of something, really anything, really just anything. Yeah, just right into the tip of the microphone. Just say like, just dirty talk. You guys made that dirtier than you should have. I wasn't expecting you to laugh there. That's just my way of making it audible for you all. Go ahead.

How do you want your steak cooked? Medium or rare? Wait. I don't know what you said. I'm still completely soft right now. Let's check in with the genie over there real quick. Can you talk about ice cream cones like the midwife did?

I didn't really hear you. Can you enunciate a little bit more and try one more time? I'll try, but it's hard. The Staten Island, I'm so thoroughbred, sir. Let's sit down. How you're talking right now. You got it. You got it. Don't let these fucking losers bother you. I've only ever

talked in front of about 30 people, so what up, everybody? Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you thank you very much everybody say hi shop bitch so Michaela I'm gonna ask you one more time give us an example of your because your voice is intriguing it's somewhere it's somewhere between like Barbara Walters and Tony Soprano. I can't quite figure it out. Please don't make me cry because I kind of like that. Whoa. Hell yeah.

You're as damaged as someone that gets paid in tattoos. I love that. Can you come back again when you don't have a mouth full of Novocaine? I will try. I mean, I can't lie. Like, I'm nervous. It's you, sir. Are you married?

You married? Yeah. Wow. I was hoping we could link up. I could get royalties. I don't know. Wow. You think he would give you his royalties?

You do not know Gilbert Godfrey, lady. Closest thing you're getting at any royalty is maybe a sandwich from Burger King. And even then, he's probably got to... I'm going to get the 15 cent deposit on this water. Oh, my God. That reminds me. I'm just going to say it right now. That reminds me.

If there's any chance that you don't know or haven't seen it, the documentary Gilbert is unbelievable, and it covers a lot of his thrifty ways. It's available on Hulu, Amazon, iTunes. I fucking love it. Anything that we should know about you, Michaela? Any other fun facts about you? Fun facts. Let me ask you this.

You said that you like to cry. You get paid in tattoos. Why do you think you're so... Not only tattoos, but it comes with free tattoos. I know, I know, I know. I have some work. Obviously, you don't see how trashy that is. No, but I guess my question is this. How do you trade herpes medication with a tattoo?

Okay, okay. I was in the middle of a question, Redman. I didn't think it was that visible. Michaela, so my question is this. What do you think? Why do you think? Why do you think you are that way? Why do you think you like to cry?

Why do you think it turns you on? And why? Like, did something happen to you? You anything traumatizing? I mean, like nothing. I mean, some shit has happened to me. Like, I've been in a coma. I've had some shit go down.

How'd you get in a coma? You put us all in one for 60 seconds tonight. Here we go. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Here we go. All right. How'd you end up in a coma? Did you get skateboarding lessons from the last guy? He's a little young for me, but I'm such a piece of shit. When I got meningitis, my own immune system was like, fuck this bitch, and it attacked my

brain. Wow. I love it. Well, well, well, I live in a lamp. Well, Michaela, now that you're newly single, I don't think it's going to be meningitis trying to attack your brain. I think that you're newly single I don't think it's going to be meningitis trying to attack your brain I think that I think you probably have a promising future in this

it's something that you love to do right yeah absolutely heck yeah my only advice for you Michaela would be you'll notice it amongst you know Gilbert me all of us up here when you when you when you get a chance to talk into that microphone you might have the funniest thing

to say. But if you don't really get it out there, if you don't project, if you wait for the sound guy to turn your mic up, a lot of great stuff could get lost. You could be the funniest person in the world. But if you're just saying it like this and people won't ever really find out what you're saying. So it's a good note, I think, that you can take with you. Thank you're saying. So, you know, it's a good note I think that you can take with you. Thank you very much. That is very solid advice. I will get used to it more. But thank you.

I really appreciate that. You should just get tattooed right at the top of your mic finger. You should get a tattoo that says speak the fuck up. There she goes. Michaela Lazewski. Hell yeah.

And we got drunken Cece Sabathia here, giving her a standing ovation. Jesus Christ. So much fun. I love it. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You having fun, Gilbert? Oh, I forgot. I stopped paying attention a while ago.

Yes. You're the best, man. How cool is it to have Gilbert Gottfried on Kill Tony? We love it. Shout out to our mutual friend, the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross, for putting us all together in this. So exciting. Make sure you, which reminds me, of course,

make sure you check out Gilbert on Netflix's new historical roast. I don't want to say it, but Gilbert steals the entire series. It's fucking amazing. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Ryan Anderson. Here we go. Ryan Anderson. Here he comes from far in the back.

This is a big theater, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, that guy's going to the restroom. Ah, he's taking a shit. Oh, I'm not seeing any movement. Ryan Anderson. Is this him? Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Wow, he was from the farthest in the back. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy. Come on, pal. He's prices riding his way up here high-fiving people. One more time, good and loud for Ryan Anderson. Wow, just because I don't think

I'm ever going to be able to say this to a group of as large a people, how's it going New York City? Wow. So I actually came here to talk about a public health crisis that I've been noticing. If you ever go on the website Pornhub.com, they have these recommendations. And they're supposed to tell you what your supposed interests are. And the only recommended videos I've been getting are mom and sister videos. I don't know what that says about me.

I don't know what that says about us as a nation. Because they're also in the most watched section. So I'm a little concerned about just a general Oedipal complex going on in the entire nation right now. I think it's a fascinating and terrifying phenomenon. Ryan Anderson. He's got a good setup. Ryan clearly specializes in setups instead of punchlines.

That's a great subject. You're getting recommended a lot of mom videos. Yeah. I just came up here to talk about it. Yeah. With you guys. I want to know how you feel, though. No, I get it.

You just did it. I swear to God, if you talk one more fucking time, I'm having to move you to the nosebleeds. Don't fucking talk again. You got to stop doing that. You're throwing off the fucking rhythm of these innocent. Look at this innocent soul. How could you fucking do that?

We're going to send you back to Rikers. Yeah. Or the Bronx, wherever the fuck you came from. You got to fucking chill out, dude. I get it. I get it. You took the train all the way from the fucking Bronx to be here tonight, but you got to relax.

All right, fucking Yennefer Lopez. All right, let's talk with you, Ryan. Are you close with your mom? Yeah. Is she good looking? You have a good looking mom? Do you have a good looking mom? Is have a good looking mom? Do I have a good looking mom? Do you have a good looking mom?

Is she a good looking lady? Tell the truth. I mean, she's one of the most beautiful women in the world. Yeah. Not personally attracted. I doubt it.

You know? Yeah. Did she ever walk in on you maybe playing with yourself before? No. No? That's why there's not

a lot of complications for me. So I'm like really curious about why this is like a common thing. No, it's because you want to fuck your No? That's why there's not a lot of complications for me. So I'm really curious about why this is like a common topic. No, it's because you want to fuck your mom. That's why. Everything in your algorithm,

which I'm guessing by the looks of you is the only rhythm you have. Something in your computer algorithm is seeming that you... Have you clicked on that before? You know Pornhub does recommend videos that you click on.

So you're sort of burying yourself here by. Exactly. Now it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know? I just keep getting. But you keep clicking on them. Because they're the only ones that I see. Self-fulfilling prophecy is the weirdest word for masturbation I've ever heard in my life. Self-fulfilling prophecy is the weirdest word for masturbation I've ever heard in my life.

Self-fulfilling prophecy. What's wrong with your jaw? I was apart with my mom, you know. Do you always rub your chin like that? My jaw's really been in pain the past couple years. Careful, a genie might jump out if you rub it again. Or jump in. So, Ryan, this was your first time doing stand-up comedy, right?

Yes, it was. And how old are you? There it is. First time to go to the first time. How old are you? I'm 27. 27. What do you do for work?

I work in insurance. Wow. I never would have guessed that. There's someone up there that booed insurance, by the way. They hate insurance. Wow. My goodness. How long have you been working in insurance?

Five years. Oh, geez. Everything about you is straight down the middle, huh? Give me something exciting. What would we be geez. Everything about you is straight down the middle, huh? Give me something exciting. What would we be surprised to know about you? What's something wild about Ryan Anderson? What's the wildest night out Waldo ever had, huh? Yeah, you ever put your glasses on your dick just for fun?

There it is. The genie is on fire tonight. Ryan, are you thinking of an answer to my question, or are you literally just massaging your chin until it falls off? What was your question? What's something wild about you that we'd be surprised to know? There have been a couple of... Right into the tip of the fucking microphone, Ryan. Right here.

You see how close the mic is to my mouth? There you go. Yeah, group sexual experiences. Probably be an interesting thing about me. You have? You've had group sex before? Yeah, I've had that. I'm being recommended.

Your mom, your stepmom. Right. Exactly. Group sex doesn't count as being the stenographer in the corner taking notes. He calls masturbating with both hands group sex. Whoa, there's the first Stolberg chant of this show. Ooh, the party has begun. Don't touch me again.

Wow. So, Ryan, how many people were in this group that you had sex with? Me and three others. You and three others. What's our girl-to-guy ratio? What's our G to G on this? He named his hands the others. Two and two?

Yeah, two and two. A little tag team match okay so uh so what's the uh what can you give us a little lay down of the how did this begin like did you guys have dinner beforehand do you know the other three people it was a full-on date right it was a date and you were you were in a relationship with your girl yeah and then you knew the other two yeah it was like a double date heck yeah and then what a double day and then and then you knew the other two? Yeah, it was like a double date. Heck yeah. And then you guys had dinner and then what? You went back to your place? Started rubbing each other's chins?

They were Asian, Tony. Did the other guy fuck your girl? Yeah. Part of the deal. And you fucked his girl? Yeah. And then what's the closest you and him got throughout the evening this is the part where the truth is gonna oh this guy's to go jerk off real quick there he goes somehow somehow he ended up being gayer than you and the guy that you fucked

tell us what your interaction with the guy in the group was. It was an intimate experience. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you... Yeah, I bet. Come on. So you guys made out a little bit? What else? I made out a little bit.

Yeah? Okay. Wait, let's start from the beginning. Yeah. He was fucking a guy and a girl? Yeah. Two girls and a guy. You know, you're the first serial killer I ever met.

Yeah. This guy fucked two girls. So tell us about when you were fucking this guy. Was he doing you in the ass? That's what we want to know. It's just me and him getting along, you know? Come on, give us some details, Ryan. This place wants the truth, right?

Come on, look at them. Look at them. Hell yeah. It's just two men having a mutual bonding experience. Come on, you've got to give us a little more. What happened exactly, Ryan? Why are you kissing first? It went out a little, and then there was a little.

We didn't get the last one. You didn't get that. So what did you do exactly? Everything but that. Everything but sucking each other's dicks? He put his wiener in your butt? Yeah. Wow. Look at that. butt sucking each other's dicks? He put his wiener in your butt? Yeah. Wow!

Look at that! Look at these people. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Only on Kill Tony can you get a half a standing ovation for saying a guy put a wiener in your butt.

This is the only place where... Game's on, bro. So you had a dick in your ass. That's what you're saying. Yeah, it felt good. Heck yeah. It felt good, too. I love it.

I love it. I'm interested to know. So, Ryan, you fucked two girls, a guy, and probably a pizza place. So I'm interested to know, Ryan, out of the two girls, the guy, what was the part that you finished on? What was the part where you're like, oh, I'm going to fucking cum. This is crazy. Well, that's what I'd be calling something that's hard to experience.

Yeah. Symphony, you all have to, you know, experience that moment together. Again, you all have to experience that moment together. Again, you're beating around bushes so much, I think you're still in a foursome right now. There was no dick sucking going on. I didn't do any dick sucking.

Because that's gay, Gilbert. Everyone knows. There's a reciprocation You understand who did what for who Now wait What position Could you show the position Yes

When you were getting Fucked in the ass Alright here comes Wait wait wait get down here comes, wait, wait, wait, get down, here comes the genie. You gotta get into the experience. Wow, how about that? This might be the gayest episode of Kill Tony ever.

Wow. I love it. This is shit you can only do on the late show. You couldn't do this at the 7 p.m. Embrace the experience. Wow. That is so fucking cool. And when you say it's a symphony, that just means I'm going to ask one more time. So you were on all fours getting fucked in the ass.

You got to do the work sometimes to get the award, you know? You got to do the work sometimes. My goodness. This is mind-blowing. It's not minds that are getting blown. Yes. Minds are blown. Your mind is blown-blowing. It's not minds that are getting blown. Yes. Minds are blown.

Your mind is blown, Andrew. I love it. Wow. Well, Ryan, and you came out clean after it all, huh? Except like shit dick or something, right? Yeah. Well, Ryan, your test came back clean, and we just found that you have a weird chin-rubbing disease that... My cheek really hurts. I don't know rubbing disease that will be with you for the rest of your life.

Well, Ryan, I mean, you know, your set was, it was very, very, you know, it's very rough your first time sometimes. But I'll tell you this, is one thing that you showed tonight, and you're the only person up here so far to get a half a standing ovation

from your interview and the reason why is because you showed the core of the show is being brutally honest. People can feel it when there's something that is true to you and you did it. You showed it here tonight. How about another hand for the great... Oh, you have something

else, Gilbert? And more importantly, you demonstrated what it looked like when you got I love it one more time for the great Ryan Anderson Wow. So much fun. Oh, my goodness. I love it. That is how you do an interview. That was great.

Wow. Wow. Oh, hell yes. This is so cool. Did you get his phone number? I meant to ask him. Yeah. This is so cool. This is another comedian that actually was at the Poughkeepsie show last night.

He performed. He was very interesting. Even his girlfriend performed. Very entertaining guy. He was so funny. Him and his girlfriend were so funny that we literally put them on the guest list for tonight's show. Clearly, they signed up again. Put your hands together for him.

It is Justin Wood Circus, everybody. Here he comes. Hell yeah. Two nights in a row. Just another reason why you should go to Every Kill Tony when we come near you. One more time for Justin

Wood Circus, everyone. How's it going, New York? Number one juggler in New York right here, by the way. Don't mean to brag or nothing. Hey, come on. That's why I wear this stupid hat. I try to find the stupidest hat I could find to signify that I'm an entertainer of sorts.

And this isn't the stupidest hat. This is the second stupidest hat. The first stupidest hat is like this. Let's be honest. Everybody hates the fedora. I can speak freely. I checked you out. There's no one wearing a fedora here.

Stupidest hat. It's a subtle difference between this and this. Like here, it's like I'm fun-loving. I don't take myself too seriously. Over here, I take myself a little bit too seriously. You know? It's like it's a level of self-awareness. Like, I go around.

You know I know I'm an idiot, right? You know I know. You know I know that I'm an idiot. But down here, you all know I have no idea that I'm a fucking idiot there you go Justin Wood Circus everybody hell yeah subtle differences so cool now I'm gonna tell you this I'm just gonna jump right into it Justin Wood last night was your first time ever doing pure stand-up comedy yeah yeah and then you came out with a brand new minute here tonight but I'm gonna be honest with you came out with a brand-new minute here tonight.

But I'm going to be honest with you. We found out a lot about you last night. We talked with you and your lady for a while. If it's okay with you, I'm going to plug the hell out of you. And can you do some more cool stuff for us? Justin Wood Circus was raised and went to circus school. And he really is. He's literally known as the greatest juggler in New York,

and he's here for you. Would you mind, is there anything we could get you? Do you need anything? Your lovely assistant here? Sticks and a lamp, maybe? Is there anything we can give you? Like, did you bring anything? Oh, this guy sucks.

He needs. Wow, okay. Never mind. My shoes. Yeah, no, no. I mean, like a shoe. I mean, I could do a slinky. I guess I got juggling balls.

I could do some juggling again. Yeah, how about some juggling balls? Can we do that? Is your lovely assistant here, Joyce? Like a good lady, she keeps my balls in her purse. Other than juggling balls, just out of curiosity, are there other things that you know how to do? Yeah. Well, I got rings

and clubs and knives and torches and chainsaws. Wait, what can you do with them? Juggle all of those things. Wow. Yeah, but they don't let me do that. Did anybody bring any extra torches with them? Or a chainsaw. Chainsaw, that's the free bird of juggling. Where's the

lovely assistant? Oh, they're right here Alright, very cool You guys want to see the greatest juggler In all of New York? This is a big stage, Justin Wood Circus He's on Instagram At Justin Wood Circus

He's on the app TikTok And you can probably find him everywhere Justin Wood Circus, here you go Here he is. Let's see what he does tonight. All right. Here he is. Oh, the anticipation is killing me.

And the listeners. He's got one ball. He tosses it from one hand to the other. Oh, wow. He's got two. Oh, two in one hand. This is incredible. This is what the last comedian looked like during his foursome. Wow. My goodness. Wow. Hey. Wow. Hey. Wow. Wow. That is incredible. Wow. My goodness, he's still going. He's a fucking machine.

That is mind-blowing. Wow. So Justin Wood Circus, the only way you could top that, there's only one way to do it. Have you ever been fucked in the ass before? Speaking of juggling balls, here we go. Justin Wood Circus. No.

I'm sorry you said brutally honest. No, I love it. Is there anything else that you'd like to talk with us about? Or you'd like to ask Gilbert the great Gilbert Gottfried a question you know what I actually do have a question you know I've been and I've seen a bunch of your shows that I go every single time I can

you called me the hipster Hamburglar in Swansea I don't remember it but it's pretty good you were in Swansea, Massachusetts? Yeah, I gave the guy the lighter. You called me Johnny Depp. You said that I walked to the bar.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wait a second. I know my style of roasting, and I would not just call you Johnny Depp. There had to be something Johnny Depp with cancer. What was it? Well, I was walking to the bar and he said, look, that guy is going to order another parrot for his shoulder. There you go. I didn't just call you.

You can't just say like, you can't just say like, you know. Can you pretend you are the previous act and do something with the two apples. I like that idea. Oh, man. This is going to go great on TikTok. I love it. How about a slinky trick?

Yeah, we could do some of that. How about you show these people? You don't see slinky very often. A slinky is what the last guy's butthole looks like. Can you hold the two apples? Can you hold two apples against your chin? Let's stick with the slinky thing. There's only one way to find

out, really. Those aren't apples, though, so. That's the funniest thing about that. Gilbert thinks those juggling balls are apples. Those are real juggle balls. Soft, but firm. For those of you that love juggling, Gilbert will be at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Springfield, Indiana, August 2nd.

That is so cool. I didn't realize you were a juggalo. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah. Oh, my God, you're so amazing. There's a lot of things you don't know about Gilbert. His safe word during sex is Wow Justin Wood circus do a quick something with the slinky so we can move on

Slinky tricks before getting out here Justin Wood circus Wow look at that. Pretty good. He's moving it back and forth. This guy's good with a slinky. Oh my goodness. Wow. Crowd goes wild. Heck yeah. He did it last night. He did it again tonight. A truly entertaining man. He's on Instagram at Justin

Wood Circus. Make some noise for Justin Wood Circus, everybody. Hell yeah. Great stuff. All right. Let's keep it moving along here. I see some faces that came to both. Well, he's the winner of the night.

He gave me a quarter. I love it. Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Blair Joseph, everyone. Blair Joseph. Here he comes. Here we go. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Yo, what's good, New York? We good? We good tonight? So, yeah, I was just diagnosed with Lyme disease. Yeah, don't feel sad, though. Don't cheer, either. Shut the fuck up. I'm telling jokes. Okay, so, yeah, just diagnosed with Lyme disease. Don't feel bad, you know. It happens. I always look on the bright side. That's part of, you know, who I am. And I was looking up some fucking, you know, some shit up about it. And, like, it's not that bad, honestly. Like, fucking, the best thing about it is I'm so glad I can't get scurvy, you know.

Fucking, I hate it, bro. Fucking all this citrus shit will be flowing. It'll be good. And I'm going to revert back to a citrus in a few weeks. So, I mean, it's better than a vegetable because it's more delicious. Have you seen any, like, Down Syndrome people who are Asian? No, no, those don't exist. Mythical creatures. So, there's three facts about life. White women love anal, and so does Ryan. And, okay, and if you disagree with that,

and if you disagree with that, talk to my ex-wife. I couldn't handle the workload. And the second one is I have a massive penis. The third one is that there are no Asians with Down Syndrome. Why don't you get it? And, um...

Alright, alright, alright. I don't know if that thing was ever gonna end. Much like your penis, I don't know if you were ever going to end. Sorry, I was gonna finish it. He stole that bit from me. Mr. Gilbert with the big

dick, right? I love it. I love it. So, Blair Joseph, how long have you been doing stand-up for? Oh, first time. First time, everybody. There you go. I love it. I love it. And you recently got diagnosed with Lyme disease. Oh, that's fake. Oh. No shit.

It's a joke. Sorry, I come from upstate. Everyone I know has it, so I can make fun of it, okay? Why would you make up something that's not even funny? I'm not funny, I guess. I think, you know, sometimes people just don't know what's funny about them. So let's find out more about you, Blair. How have things been going since your days at Family Matters?

Pretty good, Tony. Pretty good. As you can notice, I have missing teeth. Want me to tell you about that? Sure. Okay, so I'm a fan of... How'd that happen? I know it wasn't from eating too much pussy.

You got me there. There's normally a lot of blood, so... Okay, so... Shut the fuck up. I didn't hear that. So if he made fun of me, I didn't hear it. Just for the record. Let's play a game.

How more unlikable can this guy get? Heck yeah. I'm gonna kill myself. Heck yeah. Come on. You should be likeable. You have a face like all of Barack Obama's daughters. So... Okay. I call Sasha.

I was going to finish that joke, but it wasn't going to be good. Trust me. I know. We let you go for way too long. So let's find out more about you blair answer the questions honestly and maybe we'll get somewhere uh what where were you from new york born and raised yeah upstate new york oh that explains everything uh wow that is my that is my death star that is my i will not go yeah hate you, Tony. We talk about you all the time. I bet you do. You have nothing else to do there, so

I bet you fucking do. I cannot stand upstate New York. I've been very outgoing about it. I've had some bad experiences up there. That's why a lot of my friends kill themselves. Maybe it's because they're hanging out with you. Yeah, I think so. This is This is like

This is like National Geographic The very rare Unlikable black man On Kill Tony It's incredible Sorry Normally

Normally you can Your type of people Can go Do no wrong But Well you know I'm only 75% But

For the only For the other 25%, you watch Game of Thrones, huh? Stop pandering. You're trying to get the Game of Thrones vote in here. Yeah, bro, I love it. I love white people killing themselves. What's the other 25%? Autistic? What is it?

Your mom. I like how Red Band thinks that that's a race of people. 25 is Irish and fucking British, I think. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work, Blair? Oh, I work at...

I'm a fucking barista at a fucking cafe. A barista. Fucking, you know, coffees and shit. Yeah, know what i know what a barista is crepes i know thank you i don't i would not like any at this time i'm going to just have my coffee and go uh you're naturally trying to upsell here blair um i love it i love your jewel by the way cool shit Cool shit. Sure, thanks. You're still bombing. I love it. I hate this guy. What were you trying to say about Down syndrome people that are Asian?

I don't get it. So my end point was going to be if there's a gaggle of retarded Chinamen in this room, I'll cut my giant cock off. Oh, I think I saw someone. Oh, no, that's Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, man. Blair think I saw someone. Oh, no, that's Gilbert Godfrey. Oh, man. Blair. I just made that.

Oh, my God. Wow. The crowd is going wild right now. He's trying to own it, but we can all see the sweat dripping off your face right now, Blair. You can't really be a bad guy that's sweating at the same time. Go ahead, Genie. Yeah, by the way, missing teeth plus a big dick still equals not getting any pussy. Man. Blair, is there any redeeming quality about you?

I used to work with kids. You used to work with kids. What type of Michael Jackson shit are we talking about here? What did you do with kids? Oh, fucking Salvation Army after school, helping homework and feeding them food and stuff. Stopping fights, stuff like that. Hell yeah. Oh, fucking Salvation Army after school, helping homework and feeding them food and stuff, you know. All right.

Stopping fights, stuff like that, you know. Hell yeah. So it's all right, you know. Okay. Blair, I'll tell you what. I suck. I suck. I'm sorry.

Okay. You might be one of the worst people ever pulled out of the bucket in the history of the show. Thank you. From Tony. But you know what? To put a positive twist on it, a lot of people start horrible. A lot of people start unlikable. And maybe, just maybe, this will be a great story. Maybe next year you get pulled out of the bucket, you fucking kill.

And I go, are you the guy that was the worst last year? Yeah, Tony. Yes. And the place goes crazy. That's the only possible outcome. And I wrote that. And I'm in the writer's guild so I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

But for now, I'm going to keep it moving. We're going to get somebody else up here. Let's keep it moving. There goes Blair Joseph. We'll leave his social media out this episode. I don't have any bad

intentions against anybody. I always wondered what happened to Malcolm Jamal Warner. There he goes. Right back to obscurity all the way. All right. Oh, this is interesting. This is a very familiar last name. This should be

really compelling. Put your hands together for David Jimenez. Wow. Here he comes. Look out. The Jimenez name pulled out of the bucket. A whole new world. Might be his son. One more time for David Jimenez, everybody. I'm so nervous. Okay, so I recently stopped.

No, I stopped. I quit drinking. Okay, sorry. This is like walking into my television. It's so fucking weird. Okay, so I quit drinking a few years ago, and I did what every rational person does when they get sober.

I started smoking weed. And, uh, weed is crazy. It's crazy that it's legal, but it's also crazy that these guys can walk into a pharmacy and get it in their pajamas. Meanwhile, we're still waiting at midnight for fucking Brad, who has pneumonia,

who hands it to us in the fucking rain in a paper bag before descending into obscurity in the streets. And now it comes and on the East Coast we're getting it and we're getting these little magical gifts in these, we're getting, sorry. On the East Coast we're getting these little magical, oh fuck. On the East Coast we're getting these little magical, oh, fuck, on the East Coast, we're getting these little... On the East Coast, we're getting these little magical gifts through the Underground Weed Railroad,

and everything looks like it's fucking hand-stamped in Narnia or some parallel paranoid, some parallel prankster dimension, and nobody could have anticipated this in the 90s. But at the same time, now Brad opens up his duffel bag and out come a little parade of boxes with kings and queens and fucking... There you go, David Jimenez. Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah, you were nervous indeed. That went way worse than I thought it would. No, you were great, dude. You know what? It's a perfect example of a... Look at that. It's a perfect example of the through line of this show. You were trying to talk about honest stuff

and the audience could feel you trying to get through it. It wasn't some performance about fake- made up Lyme disease. You're talking about real stuff and I'm telling you this is a smart audience and they fucking know comedy. They watch a show where comedians talk to comedians about comedy with improv and comedy music and all this shit mixed in and we can feel your fucking energies. You're wearing an orange undershirt under an orange polo shirt. I've never seen that before. That is a first time on this show.

This morning when I got dressed, I was like, he's going to make fun of me. Hell yeah, when you took off the doctor scrubs to come out here tonight. So I've been watching your show for a while, but I haven't been on stage in like 10 years. Oh, you've done stand-up before. I studied acting all throughout my life in school.

I had no idea that for stand-up, I had no idea that for stand-up that it was actually an art form that you write, practice. Until I started watching fucking Joe Rogan and you guys, I didn't realize that it's something that you can write down and do. So of course I find myself two days ago fucking high and I realized I have to sober up I have to memorize this I have to keep practicing keep cutting it. I cut it like a thousand times I said it to myself a thousand times between yesterday and today Two days is not enough to fucking memorize something when you smoke weed one minute. I mean I mean something when you smoke weed. One minute?

It's a lot of pressure. What were you an actor for? Vine? TikTok? I don't think that was around when I was in college. What do you do for work, David? I'm a real estate agent. Real estate agent. Look at you. Gentrifier.

I used that in the earlier show. I worked both times. All right. And your last name is Jimenez, huh? It is much harder to do this than it looks, for sure. That's not the question that I asked you at all. When you say it takes balls to do this, you're right. Yeah.

I mean, it takes any kind of balls. Juggling balls, really anything. I asked you a question. Your last name really is Jimenez? Yeah, so my, it takes any kind of balls, juggling balls, really anything. I asked you a question. Your last name really is Jimenez? Yeah, so my name is Columbia. My name is Columbia, and I'm second generation. Oh, gotcha. Columbia.

Interesting. What do you do for fun? Spend that money? Now I just realized I'm in the second part of this interview. You keep answering questions that I didn't ask. I'm sorry, dude. Tell me. What do you do for fun?

How do you spend your real estate agent money? Drugs. No, I mean, weed is expensive. But I go to the movies a lot. I eat out a lot. I mean, I'm sort of in this place. What's her name? What? You said you eat out a lot. I mean, I'm sort of in this place. What's her name? What?

You said you eat out a lot. You have a girlfriend? No, I don't have a girlfriend. No? I haven't really dated in like a year. Really? Why is that? Well, the last time I dated, it was just a different experience.

Every girl I went out with wanted to maybe add me to their roster of fucking five guys that they sleep with at the same time. Five guys? Sounds delicious. And honestly, I... Heck yeah. Everyone's just shopping around, and I have no idea who the fuck I am or if I'm going to be doing this for the future,

so I just figured I'd work on it. So instead of being on some chick's fuck roster, you'd rather just not do anything? Well, no. I used to be, like I said, I used to drink. That's like going up to the coach and being like, I'm more of a bench guy, all right? Yeah. And by that, I mean bus bench, because I'm a real estate agent. Hey, Jeannie.

You're so good. So when's the last time you kissed a girl? Last time I had sex and kissed a girl was about a year ago. Oh, both of them about a year ago. Basically, I got sober from alcohol, and then I eventually, three years ago, and then I eventually started dating again. Uh-huh. You're, like, so interesting. I eventually started dating again, but then I stopped because I'm like,

you know, I want to figure out what the fuck I want to do. And what did you figure out? I'm still trying to figure it out. Still trying to figure it out. I don't know. It's been 10 years since I've done anything like this. And I put my name in the bucket. I feel like I've walked on to Dr. Phil.

I feel like I've walked onto Dr. Phil. I love it. David, tell us something wild about you that we would be surprised to know. Something other than that you smoke pot and that you quit drinking and that it's been a year since your last date. Yeah, what went wrong with your life? No, Dr. Phil. What's something crazy that you've done in your entire life? Like 10 years ago when you performed,

what was that? Was that an acting job? Did you play a role? Have you ever played anything in acting? Have you ever been in anyone? So I was an actor in college theater, and then I did some regional. Any characters, their plays, or anything that we might recognize? One of the last things I did was Peasheck and the Cherry Orchard.

Oh, I don't know that one. What did you play? Do you guys know that? Peasheck and the Cherry Orchard? What did you play in that play? I actually made a list. No, you're going to answer my question, David. Cherry Orchard? What did you play in that play? I actually made a list. Never mind. No, you're going to answer my question, David.

Believe it or not, I'm actually... I've got to say, stand-up is way fucking harder than acting. You're like doing the DVD commentary of your set right now. I know. It's still happening. I'm sorry. It's crazy. P-Shik, believe it or not, is the comic relief

of one of the most famous Russian plays by Chekhov. Okay. He's the comic relief. All right, can you give us an example, looking right out there and talking right in the tip of a microphone, can you give us an example of what you did in that play, like a part, just a line, a good committed line of that play? Look out there.

Stop looking at me. Straight out to the people. Don't go over there. Stand right in the middle. Come up there. Right out there. Stop looking at me. Straight out to the people. Don't go over there. Stand right in the middle. Come up there. Right up there. Look out to the people, David. How many of you want David to do this right now, huh? You already have a mustache, David. Don't do what you're about to do. There you go. That's pointless. You're covered in facial hair. There you go. I'll help you through this. So he comes out.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You just do it. I'd really like to buy, I'd really like to borrow a little more money. What is that? Your impression of Gilbert Gottfried? Look at that. You set us up perfectly, David.

I'm going to work on this shit and come back. That's what I'm going to do. I love you. I love you, David. You can do no wrong. Gilbert, what did you think of that acting there? I want to see some more. Can you do that whole bit from Merchant of Venice?

Come on, say it after me. Hat not a Jew eyes. I never did that one. A pound of flesh, I never did that one. Pound of flesh. I never did that one. Huh. Wow.

David, any other characters in any other plays that we might know about? Hamlet. I did the last thing. The very last thing I did was The Waiter and Beyond Therapy. I want to see that. Yeah, let's see that. Come on. Step up there.

Look out to those people. Give us one good line. Can I borrow some money from you? Perhaps you can just give me your empty water bottles. No, go ahead. David Jimenez is acting. The restaurant's closed. I'm sorry we don't allow guns in this restaurant.

Wow, everybody just seems like David Jimenez. You're really good at playing yourself. We don't allow guns in this establishment. That's his opening line when he finally comes out. They've been waiting for the waiter the whole play. He finally comes out. All right, all right the waiter the whole play. He finally comes out. All right, all right, David. All right, David. No, don't boo him.

Don't boo him. Remember his set? We love this guy. We love this guy. He tried his best. We tried to get through it. David, put the mic stand right up there, right up there in the middle.

David, David, David, David, Right up there in the middle. David, David, David, we need you to love yourself before we can love you. Yeah, it's true. That's what I'm working on, my brother. That's what I'm working on. It's true. David, you just got to, like a left hand in a pocket in the Midwest,

you just got to fucking stay in the pocket a little more. You know what I mean? You can't break down every single thing like oh fuck and oh I forgot and oh shit I'm nervous and all this it's like you're literally like Joel said you literally were doing commentary on yourself throughout the set you didn't you have to stay in that pocket so that the stakes build a little bit and

then you break those and that's laughter then you make an audience laugh but you have to fucking you can't just literally be like oh that's not what I wanted to say oh fuck this is crazy oh shit I know how to nail this stuff this was like do you do you know how to nail this stuff what are you talking about when you do that

and this was like fucking over there and I just can't wait to stop not entertaining everybody all right well I'm call me a genie because I'm about to make your wish come true. There he goes. David Jimenez, everybody.

All right. What do you guys think? It's been a long show. Should we go to this bucket one more time? All right. Let's do it. Let's see what happens here. How many of you out there signed up for the chance to get on this stage tonight?

Wow. That's a lot of people. All right. This looks like an interesting name. Look at this one. Put your hands together for your final comedian of the night, Ronnie Rosenberg, ladies and gentlemen. Ronnie Rosenberg. Wow.

Here he comes. This is exciting Double R Come on I know it's late One more time Ronnie Rosenberg So I've been told that I look like McLovin from Superbad If he never got any action. Like, at least Fogle got something at the end.

So I got mind-fucked the other day standing in line at McDonald's. I ordered chicken nuggets, and the cashier asked me, so how much sweet and sour sauce do you want? And my brain just fucking exploded. Like, I was just like, oh, my God, I've never been asked this question before I had the ball in my hands but I got so scared I just dropped the bag and ran out of the restaurant it's too much pressure so I was walking I was walking downtown a few months ago and I saw this lady with no arms and she had headphones on. Like, what the, how the fuck that happened?

Like, they weren't... And they were wired. They were connected to her phone. Where the fuck was her phone? Thank you, guys. Wow, look at that. Ronnie Rosenberg. Heck yeah, Ronnie. Oh, this is crazy

Congratulations, that was a really interesting set Have you done stand-up before? First time in a year first time in a year Wow. Well, welcome back. That was uh That was fun. It was interesting. The McLovin joke was cute. The thing afterwards I couldn't really follow. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere you hit what was probably the single best one joke of the night, the no arms headphones. Just a simple how the fuck did those get there is just so undeniably funny. That's something you really saw, huh? Yeah, yeah, literally.

Walking in New York, like she had the wire like all the way. It was full on. I just looked at her. That's so cool. It's one of those things. Sometimes you can sit around trying to write jokes forever, but sometimes just keeping your eyes peeled and taking note and seeing that and writing it down to say in front of people.

You can sometimes knock out any writer who just tries to grind out ideas just by noticing things like that. And there's more you can do knock out any writer who just tries to grind out ideas just by noticing things like that. And there's more you can do with that. Like, like how did she get like, did she put it on the ground and just roll in a circle and try to like, you know,

what were you trying to say with the second joke? Just because you were asked about the sauce or I don't get it. Yeah. Cause like you always like want to ask for a million, but they never actually asked you. So the reason I didn't want to do that joke, but the joke I planned uh didn't work uh that didn't work at all though i tried yeah what's the other joke so basically the joke i was gonna come up and i was gonna have

my hands in my pockets and be like who has two thumbs and blah, blah, blah. And then I'm going to go this guy, but my thumbs are going to be gone. Oh, wow. I was going to do the reveal, but I couldn't. I don't know. I got too nervous about the mic. Wow. Good thing you backed out on that one. My God. I didn't realize Blair Joseph was your ghost writer.

My goodness. Ronnie Rosenberg. So why the year-long break from comedy? I'm not really good with people. I'm, like, really antisocial. Yeah, what do you mean? I try to be, like, if I have the choice. And I really wanted to do this, something I'm really passionate about.

And I tried it out. I'm not, you know, I don't know. I don't know what made me stop. I guess part of it was me being lazy, to be honest. How old are you? I'm 23. What do you do for work? I'm a server.

Where do you serve at? I serve at Red Lobster. Really? Wow. Fuck those biscuits. Oh, my God. Fuck yeah, dude. Fucking ate them.

One of our favorites. One of our favorite places. It's one of the places where when we're on the road, when you're in the fucking middle of nowhere and you see a goddamn red lobster, it's like a fucking mirage, baby. I mean, just like, no! And you see it.

Food, and you see all the other blocks. You're like, get out of here, McDonald's. Get out of here, Burger King. It's a fucking red lobster! We fucking love it. I swear, working just like it gives me so much material heck yeah of course it's a lot to feast on you know what i mean it's a fucking ultimate feast dude i love it holy shit that that you just blew my mind thank you wow it's so easy

to blow your mind it's incredible how easy it is, my friend. Wow. I'm cracking you up like a crab lake at Red Lobster. You know what I'm saying, everybody? Come on now. Who loves Red Lobster jokes, huh? Oh, I don't have thumbs. Oh, I don't have thumbs, everybody. This fucking idiot.

Now, at what point in your life did you realize you're on the spectrum? Now, at what point in your life did you realize you're on the spectrum? I'm pretty good at pretending I just don't have a problem. So there you go. Wow. When you're not working at good old RL, what do you?

Yeah, we got nicknames for it and everything. Every contact on my phone from a server that works there is RL afterwards. I'm fucking sorry, guys. I love apologies on this show more than anything. What do you like to do for fun? You don't like people. You don't like people. You say you're not good with people, so what does a guy like you do?

I mean, in my free time, I'm a giant fucking enormous fan of this show. So, fuck yeah, kill Tony, I'm a giant fucking enormous fan of this show. Yeah. So, fuck yeah, Kill Tony. Right. One could almost say you'd give it two thumbs not up. So, tell us what you do for fun when you're not listening to Kill Tony.

You know, I smoke weed, play video games. I'm pretty basic. Yeah. You know, I have two roommates that are partiers, you know, but other than that, that's the only time I would ever do something is with them. Right. You do anything else artistic or anything like that? Artistic? No, I mean, not really.

I'm a lifelong wrestling fan, so it's art form in some fashion, I guess. Very interesting. Pro wrestling fan. You ever think about doing anything like that? I did. I wrestled in first grade. I didn't win a match the whole season. I hated it.

After that, I just realized that I'll be a fan. Wow. Such a quick to quit little bitch you are. My God. Did it in first grade. Didn't win. So I gave up. I'm going to die slowly. Once I realized I couldn't hit someone with a chair and put them through a table,

I kind of just gave up. I love it. Let's check in with the genie over there. Yeah, do you still know any wrestling moves? Hey, good question. Oh, shit. Ronnie, good question. Are there any wrestling moves that you know how to do?

I mean, there must be at least one that you know how to do. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. Ronnie, Ronnie. Ronnie. Hello, Ronnie. What kind of wrestling move do you know how to do? I mean, I'll give a go at the spear. A spear?

That's the... All right, Jeremiah. It was first grade. All right, Jeremiah, spread those cheeks. Hold on a second. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't know something that doesn't get anybody hurt. So hold on a second.

I mean, I'm sure all of you know what a spear is. A spear is basically a tackle through the middle of a human being. Ronnie, but you said you're a pro wrestling man. There must be something that you know how to do that's a little bit more complicated than a fucking spear, right? Like some type of fucking anything. You know

a stone cold stunner? I mean, everyone knows a stone cold stunner. Well, I mean, everyone knows a fucking spear, you idiot. What do you think about giving a... How many of you want to see this genie get stone cold stunned, huh? Wow, this is very exciting. We've never had a professional wrestling move done in the history of Kill Tony. I'm excited to see what happens here.

Are you guys excited too? All right, here we go. Let's see what happens. We have Genie Dr. Phil. Whoa! Whoa! Be careful! Wow, look at that.

Just incredible. This show has no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Heck yeah. I wasn't expecting that one at all. That brought back memories of the guy that got fucked in the ass. That was great. How about one more time for Ronnie Rosenberg, everybody? Thank you, New York!

And ladies and gentlemen, I mean, I'm serious. I don't know if I've ever enjoyed myself as much as this episode in six years of doing this show. Because we had the great Gilbert Gottfried with us! I mean, unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. Gilbert has the amazing Colossal Podcast. Almost 300 guests on it. Check it all out at gilbertpodcast.com and everywhere our podcasts are found. You go to cameo.com, you can get your own personalized video shout out. Yeah, check it out.

Go to cameo.com and book him for your birthday or special occasion or anything. Yeah, that's awesome. Go to Gilbert Godfrey dot com for tour dates. He's on Twitter at Real Gilbert, Instagram at Real Gilbert and like I said, Michigan, New Jersey, Connecticut, PA, New York, Indiana, Indiana, PA, Baltimore and Tampa. Again, all those dates Gilbert Godfrey dot com.

Again, thank you sir. The highest honor ever to have you in New York City on a raw, late-night Gramercy Theater show is unbelievable. I'm almost losing my voice. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? He did it again. The new Reagan and Watkins album is coming out he has to go to he has to go to

to San Francisco for Clusterfest and do Roast Battle tomorrow and fly back for Skankfest for Saturday's Kill Tony he's going to San Fran for tomorrow night and back here on Saturday with all of us where we're gonna be at Skankfest Saturday at 7 and Sunday at 4 and his album's out.

Reaganowakens.com. Jeremiah Wonders is an unbelievable podcast. And we're all going to be signing posters. And taking pictures with you guys after the show. Just ask them where we're doing that at. And how about one more time. For the great, the powerful. His first time doing comedy in New York, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

So much fun. He's on social media, mostly sorry. And he's also featured on that Reagan and Watkins album. How about one more time for the great Brian Red Band, everybody. Thanks a lot, guys. And that's it. We absolutely love you. Thank you so much for coming out. Have a great Band, everybody. Thanks a lot, guys. And that's it. We absolutely love you. Thank you so much for coming out.

Have a great night, everybody.me me meme me me meme ស្រូវតែរាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពី Thank you. you