KILL TONY - KILL TONY #372 - SKANKFEST #2

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

Ari Shaffir, Rich Voss, Bonnie Mcfarlane, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/23/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.TV for every episode we've ever done of Kill Tony, including video portions

of the show. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. In July, we're going to be in Plano, Texas. Then we're going to be in Fort Worth, Texas,

followed by a huge show in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. Also, in August, I will be in San Diego with George Perez and Aiko Tanaka at the american comedy company august 17th that's a saturday go to death squat dot tv and click on tour dates tony hinchcliffe has his own website tony hinchcliffe.com check out tony hinchcliffe.com

for everything golden pony ryan j ebelt he's the house artist. He draws all the posters. He did the Kill Tony book. Go to ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. There's the official merchandise of Kill Tony and Death Squad, including hats, shirts, and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Skankfest! For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hatchclap! Skankfest, this is it. Last Kill Tony in the festival. You guys ready to do this shit?

Wow. Come on, guys. Make some noise. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, guys. It is so exciting to be here at Skankfest, or as I call it, Vape Pen. Fuck yeah.

Works every goddamn time. This is so exciting. We know what's going on. We're still here. Don't forget, July 25th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, our biggest show ever, the Fillmore Theater,

ladies and gentlemen. Over 2,200 seats. Our 2,200 standing room, but we're going to sell seats. You're going to get to sit for that Kill Tony, believe it or not. So it's 998, right, Trey? How about a hand for our head of security, Trey Fergus, here? Wearing his finest Grand Theft Auto shirt. Stand up.

Stand up, Trey. Say hi to these people. Come on, do it. Look at that shirt. Look at this guy. Who wants to get beat up by a giant, giant homosexual? This is exciting. I love it.

See, at Skankfest, that shirt is considered gay. Using facial moisturizer is considered homosexual. Eating vegetables is considered homosexual. Eating vegetables is considered faggotry. But sucking another dude's dick is considered awesome.

I wrote that one this morning. I already used it downstairs at the professional wrestling event. I mean, I am just having the time of my life. The goddamn comedy jam last night was unbelievable. The skanks are just out here killing it. Perhaps one of my favorite things I've ever seen, the pro wrestling event earlier.

Skank Fest is truly, I've been saying it for years, and boy, have we watched the stock rise. Skank Fest is the greatest comedy festival in the world, everybody. Concise, all in one big, beautiful place, this fucking venue, the Brooklyn Bazaar is amazing. The staff is so cool. Everything's fucking locked in. So what do you say?

Should we just get into this show or what? It's Kill Tony Live. Who loves fucking CBD, huh? I mean, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable how much CBD they gave us to toss away. The great people at InfiniteCBD, that's InfiniteCBD.com, simple thinking people.

You use the promo code KILTONI, you save 15% on everything all the time. I use the caffeine pills in the morning. You know, I always thought coffee was the thing. We used to work at Starbucks, and I got hooked on these lattes, and I'd put a bunch of fucking sugar in it and everything, and it's just not healthy. And now I just take a pill. There's handicapped people dodging the CBD. You should be...

Putting it on your feet. You're the one that needs it the most. Here you go, you little fucking doofus. It can't catch them. Here, take the whole fucking backpack, you idiot. Alright. Tonight's guests, I mean, when we're in New York, we get

these special fucking treat guests that we simply never get in Los Angeles at our home base of the comedy store where we're back tomorrow with the great Sal Volcano of the Impractical Jokers. But tonight we have three fucking world-class new yorkers you know them you love them ladies and gentlemen it is ari shafir rich boss and bonnie

mcfarland Everybody's here! Bonnie McFarlane, Rich Voss, and Ari Shafir. Welcome to the show, guys. This is Rich and Bonnie's first time on the show. Vossroast.com. My Wife Hates Me podcast. to the show, guys. This is Rich and Bonnie's first time on the show. VossRoast.com. My wife hates me podcast. And I'll say this, because

a lot of, I mean, everyone that listens to this show obviously knows that I roast a lot of people. I love roasting. Written for a bunch of the Comedy Central roasts. Performed a bunch of roasts. And every clip I've seen of that Voss roast, it's the only roast that I had nothing to do with that I think is absolutely hilarious. And that's the only roast that I had nothing to do with that I think is absolutely hilarious.

And that's the biggest compliment I could give is the best thing that I had nothing to do with. But no, every clip's hilarious. I can't remember exactly which one said it, but I remember one of them called Skankfest Bonnaroo for middle axe. Colin Quinn said it. Amazing.

Colin once called Bobby Kelly a last-minute gift at the Beijing airport. Fucking Colin's the most brilliant. He's just brilliant. Unbelievable, those priceless jokes. And how about this guy from probably 10 of the first 100 episodes and none since then? The return of Ari Shafir, everybody. Hey. Ari absolutely killed it earlier

in the pro wrestling ring as the special guest referee for Luis J. Gomez and Mike Harrington. Yeah, I was fucking great, man. That was so much fun. Fuck Luis, though. The energy in that room was unbelievable. And for those of you that saw or have heard of Louis

dumping pee on Ari's head last year, I believe Ari got his revenge today. Kill Tony is the first podcast to get to announce that Ari Shafir put his butthole on Louis' face earlier, everybody. I mean, the butthole, the balls were probably right on his forehead.

It got deeper than those kids Michael Jackson made. Oh, shit. It was deep. I loved it. And we're going to go deep here tonight, everybody. But one thing you guys should know is that we have a band on this show. And yeah, that's exactly the reaction I was hoping for. It's the first time I've gotten it.

Finally, I found something. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's the first time I've gotten it. Finally, I found something. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You do the thing again about... You guess... I mean, I know the audience knows, but you guests may not know this, but on this show, we have a band. Wow.

He's like you. He spits it out. Oh, is that true? I just go like this with my tongue and let it evaporate. Yeah, the band, they commit to different characters every single episode. They got ready in a different room tonight. Sometimes it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. Sometimes it's the return of some of our classic Kill Tony characters that they've been.

And last night they were the Legion of Skanks during the Legion of Skanks episode. Let's see what they are tonight. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Oh, that sounds suspicious. We know that music. Oh! suspicious. We know that music. Oh! We know these guys, some of the most famous characters in the show's history. It is the Cat Burglars! Wow. It's been a long time, sir. Welcome back to the show. Cat Burglar, everybody.

Come on, make some fucking noise. What's going on in here tonight? What's going on? Did I throw out too much CBD? What is happening out there with this audience? Cat Burglar, how you doing? Welcome to Skank Fest. Cat Burglar.

And then back here, of course, we have Joe Pesci from Home Alone dressed up for Halloween. What's your name again? Joe Pesci. Wow. Oh, my God. Real improv power chorus we have going on here. So we have the band.

We have Bonnie, Rich, Ari. We have Bread Band, which brings me to the great Hot Dog Water holder of destiny, everyone. We are going extra skanky here tonight. Did you steal that from the Comedy Store? No. They have a kitchen here, too. Oh, gross. Yeah. But yeah. So a bunch of people signed up before the show. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Chelsea Bear. It's back. And the only entrance way is right here on this side of the stage. Don't jump up on the front. Don't try to go that way. Come up and then that way. Kick your fucking head off.

Yep. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? It's the final Kill Tony of Skank Fest. We're back in L.A. tomorrow. Put your hands together for your first comedian of the night, Kyle Hamhort or Hamhond. Is he coming? Here comes Kyle. One more time for Kyle, everybody.

Yay! Give it up for yourselves. You didn't die of a coke overdose last night. That's awesome. Me either. Everybody in New York's so fit, I guess I'd be that way too if I had to walk to a McDonald's.

Oh, shit. I didn't know my dude signed me up for this, so I'm very like, oh, shit, I'm stoned. I think marijuana wouldn't be a big problem in this country if it was in the Bible. And I'm sure there was marijuana in the Bible, but it's a big book. They had to cut some shit out, you know. I imagine that night, like anybody who's went out drinking, at the end of the night, they know there's a couple dudes that are always looking for weed. And that night that Jesus turned water into wine, I'm sure there was no difference.

There was probably two dudes at the end of the night that walked up to Jesus like, yo, Jesus, that water into wine shit was dope, bro. But I was wondering, if I'm not putting you out, if I'm not asking too much, could you turn this hay into some hash for me? And Jesus looked at him like, my son, I'm the son of God. I can do anything you ask. But I will not turn that hay into hash for my son. We are not out of hash.

Go over there. Ask Peter. His shit's the bomb. He'll hook you up. He's got coke, too. The guy's practically a saint. Hell yeah, there you go. He's got coke, too.

The guy's practically a saint. Hell yeah, there you go. Kyle Hamhort. Pushing into the limit, going way over his time, but what does he know about limits, right? Look at him, everyone. Kyle Hamhort. Hamhort, am I saying that right?

Han Horst. What? Han Horst. Han Horst? You stupid idiot. Never heard the name Han Horst before? Idiot. Real heard the name Honhorst before. Idiot. Real show business name. What did you guys think of Kyle?

What did you watch Kyle do? Kyle, is this your first time performing stand-up comedy? No, no, I've been doing it three years or so. Three years. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it sucks for three years. I get it. Did you swallow Bobby Kelly?

Where are you doing comedy? At buffets? What the fuck? Take a breather. I didn't listen to a word you said because it was hard to get past how you look. Keep it up. You're doing well. Bonnie, what did you think of Kyle?

When you first started talking, I felt bad for you honestly because you're fat and a drug addict but then at about 32nd point I was like I hope he dies yeah we definitely we definitely you have everything that like great comics have you have that fat sweaty fucking

likable look and the drug addiction and none of the jokes. It's really interesting. He's like, Artie's strange. And you're definitely going to die before you're 35. Yeah, how old are you? 35, 35. It's this year.

Do it! Do it! Heart failure is coming. Say goodbye to your mom. How many of you want to see this guy do jumping jacks until he has a heart attack tonight? Want to do some jumping jacks for us? Until the heart attack? I'll hold your glasses.

I just want to see if you can do five jumping jacks. Five? Yeah. How many do you think you can do? Let me get off the stage before it collapses. Tony, he said five like if he said a thousand. Drum it off for us.

Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. There you go. Hey, there's your stuff. Don't forget. Oh, he's already losing the blood to his head, everybody. He left his hat and his sunglasses, his sleep apnea mask.

He left everything hat, his sunglasses, his sleep apnea mask. He left everything up here. That was the biggest, laziest worm I have ever seen. It just flopped down. It's like you took a worm and just fucking threw it on the pavement. I love that he walked himself off. I didn't even dismiss him. He literally just jumping jacked off the stage, for those of you listening to the podcast. I've never seen Applejacks do jumping jacked off the stage for those of you listening to the podcast. I've never seen Applejacks

do jumping jacks before. That might be a new segment. Do you guys like that? Fat guy doing jumping jacks? Wow. Hey. Who knows? Anything is possible here on Kill Tony. I like to who's like New Yorkers you know I'm fat compared to New Yorkers but I'm like

dude look at your audience. They're fucking disgusting. It's incredible. A lot of broken down fellas in there. Heck yeah. That guy loves CBD. Candy, bananas, and diarrhea. All right, fuck it.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Why bananas? Diarrhea. Why would he eat bananas? He doesn't eat fucking bananas. Butterfinger. That's a fruit. Put your hands together

for your next comedian, Jeffrey Gurian. Jeffrey Gurian, everybody. Anything can happen. Hey. The man I love Every side her And guide her

To a place of How about a hand for the band, everybody? Filling it here tonight. Jeffrey Gurian's not coming. Jeffrey Gurian? Is anybody seeing any movement? No. Okay.

No movement. All right. All right, back to the bucket. That guy's blacklisted. He was doing his hair. I don't know why you insist on doing that. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Diego Lopez, everyone. Hello, what's up?

How you doing? I got an STD test recently, well about two years ago. And I was in the waiting room and I couldn't put a pamphlet down because it's telling you things you shouldn't be doing. And the first thing it says is you shouldn't be using the pullout method. And I can't get over the fact that we call that a method. Really, method.

What a generous classification for what that is. Yes, what learned men of science we are for not cumming inside of a woman. Absolutely, yes. Doctor, I concur with my abacus in hand. We all know the first man to pull out did it while wearing a lab coat, I'm sure. I don't know.

Generous classification. That's a lot of fun. I grew up religious. I don't know. Religion's a little dangerous. I know that because the first time someone told me that Jesus was actually Jewish, I almost swung at them. Like, what the fuck did you say?

Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, that laugh you heard there at the end was Ari Shafir giving a thumbs down on his joke, if you're wondering. I don't even know if you know that, Diego. I don't know if you saw it. Yeah, the laugh you got that you thought was yours

was Ari's. Oh, you thought that was your laugh. I get it. Can I just start? Well, first of all, the juice up, that's fine, I was joking. But the pull-out method, dude, don't fucking shit on the pull-out method.

It's tried, the juice up. That's fine. I was joking. But the pullout method, dude, don't fucking shit on the pullout method. It's it's tried. It's proven. I am like two hundred and two with the pullout method. Yeah. And that's what Lewis. Have you guys seen Diego before? How long have you been doing stand up? Three and a half years.

Three and another guy doing three years. That is incredible. All here in New York? Wow. How many, like, they say you get to do a lot of spots a night in New York. That's one of the great things. You get to do a lot of spots? A lot of open mics. Decent amount of spots. Four to five times a week. Four or five times a week.

You and the last comic should go on tour as the unwatchables. First of all, the fact, here's a little tip. Don't run to the stage. Nobody fucking runs to work. When you run, you seem too excited

and no one's that fucking happy to do what they do for a living. You know what I mean? Have a little self-doubt. Or go listen to one know what I mean? Have a little self-doubt. You see what I'm saying? Or go listen to one of your sets, and then you'll get self-doubt. You see what I'm saying? But keep up the good work.

I liked it when your real personality shone through. Like, you're like, ah! And then you're like, all right. And then that was like, more of that, please. Diego, you born and raised in New York? No. Where? Born in New York? No. Where? Born in New Jersey, grew up in South Florida.

South Florida. And you moved here how long ago? Ten years ago. Ten years ago. What do you do for work? I teach MMA. You teach MMA? Mm-hmm.

Get the fuck out of here. Really? I liked you. I thought you were great. Where do you teach MMA at? Williamsburg MMA. Williamsburg MMA. Williamsburg MMA. Do you teach people the mustache hold?

Is the first thing you do is tell people how to say MMA the way you do? MMA? He said it pretty fast. He says it pretty fast. Williamsburg MMA? Yeah. Where do you teach MMA? So you could defend yourself if something happened. Tell us about your fighting experience.

How did you get to teach MMA? You seem like the guy that would get bullied by the guy that teaches MMA. Trained for a while, and then I fought for a while. And then when he got his 10th tattoo, they're like, fuck it, you're in. Good enough. Do you know your dad? Tony. Do you? Do you know your dad? I go a little deeper with my questions.

Let's check. Oh, okay. I was just going to say those that can't do, teach. Right. But the moment passed. Wow. Jeez. That sounds like a challenge. I'm going to fight all of you right now.

Diego, have you ever had to use your defenses on like the streets or anything like that? Anybody ever been like it? Comedy club? Yeah. No, not really.

I've been pretty lucky. It's nothing. I teach Lewis. I did that earlier. That was fun. Oh, you taught Lewis. Yeah. What, how to pay

child support? Wow. It is quick. Not as quick as MMA. Diego. Diego, what's something about you we'd be surprised to know about you? A fun fact about you or your life or the way you were raised or anything like that. I've never been with a woman.

Wow. Diego, you just looked at Bonnie like you've been with her before. You can't say anything like that. Why, does he own the club? I just stood up for you a minute ago. Oh, no, sober for a long time. That's about it. Why did you get sober? I was a bad drunk. Yeah, what's something that you. Why did you get sober?

I was a bad drunk. Yeah? What's something that you once did when you were drunk? I punched a hole in the wall and then realized what I did and then turned around and pulled the thermostat off of another wall and put it in that hole. And then what did you do with the spot where the thermostat was? I kind of forgot about it immediately.

Just like, fuck, what do I do? Punch. Was that your bottom? Not bad. I sucked a dick to get high. You just punch a hole in the wall? You're MMA. You're supposed to do that. Well, it's fitting, Diego, because I'm pretty sure you're going to be performing comedy

at hole in the walls for the rest of your life. There he goes, Diego Lopez, everybody. The first guy to not jump jack. Jumping jack off the stage. How about a hand for Jeremiah Watkins over there? This guy did two sold out shows at the Gramercy Theater on Thursday.

A show in Poughkeepsie the night before that. We did a show in LA the night before that. And then he flew to a gig in Clusterfest Friday. Did a show in Poughkeepsie the night before that. We did a show in LA the night before that. And then he flew to a gig in Clusterfest Friday, did a show after midnight, flew all the way back to Skankfest yesterday without missing a beat. I'm pretty sure this is the only comedian to do both Clusterfest and Skankfest on Friday, Saturday combo. He did shows, he did a show in San Francisco and New York in the same day. Think about that for a second, because that was a 12.15

AM show, right? That's fucking crazy. Alright, pull the name out of the bucket, put your hands together for Stephen Witkowski, everyone. Here we go. Jeremiah's podcast is Jeremiah Wonders, by the way. Every episode's fun. All right.

There he is. He's got the new Reagan and Watkins album, available at reaganandwatkins.com. Steven Wachowski, everyone. I was dating this girl for nine months or so, and I already knew her favorite meal so I invited her over cooked her dinner shrimp lobster pasta I made it all dessert too and it was beautiful we went upstairs do you think I got that pussy? Well, I did.

Would I have not earned it? No? To me, I earned it. I guess the catch is she was 13. I was 13 too. We're still together. We've got two kids together. And we made that work.

So I've got the craziest life I think here at Skank Fest. Jesus Christ. All right. Steven Wachowski. Admitting to a case of what I believe is double molestation or something like that. I'm not exactly sure what's happening here. Incredible. I got bad news for you, which is fitting because you're dressed like a bad news bear.

Steven, what the fuck was that, man? Explain yourself. I'm going to give you another 60 seconds to fucking explain yourself. Dude, you're never going to understand the craziest guy at Skankfest. For those of you listening to the podcast, Steven looks like if the Chucky doll

took over the body and grew up all the way in human form. He looks like Forrest Gump at the end of the long run. He looks like the clearance section at Tarsier. SpongeBob No Jokes. Hey! Oh, Rusban for the win. It's like watching a documentary on a pedophile. From the viewpoint of the pedophile.

Yeah. It's a long story, and I had to tell it quick, so I guess it got weird quick. That's not true, is it? It's all true. I honestly cannot believe that at 13 you were cooking lobster. Yeah, no fucking way. I mean, that seems... He was a fat 13.

I doubt that you're allowed to use the stove. That's the night I lost my virginity. I like his version of what everything is to cook. Shrimp, lobster, pasta, I did it all. There are literally no foods left over after you get to both shrimp and lobster and pasta. That bitch was wet. Yeah, because 13-year-olds love lobster.

Steven, how long have you been doing comedy? This is like my 20th mic. 20th mic. Hell yeah Absolutely There you go Just getting started Do you like all things under 21?

You live here in New York City? From Salt Lake City Salt Lake City, Utah Wow, that is incredible Now you get it Yeah, now I get it. Totally. When you registered for this, did you think you were back in the court system?

That was a good fucking joke. Go fuck yourself. What do you do? Know your audience. What do you do for work, Steven? What do you do for a living, Steven? What do you deliver and drive and deliver for a living? He takes underage girls across state lines.

Yeah. It's quite lucrative. He looks like he delivers DiGiorno. Oh. He pulls up in the car. Hey, kid, you like spaghetti? I'm in film production.

Film production. What do you do on the production side of things? Just sort of like a runner? For the last year, I've been doing costumes. Oh, costumes. Are you in one right now? Hell yeah. The Skankfest costume.

Heck yeah. You work on any films or any projects that we might recognize? Yellowstone. Nope. Yep. What else? Andy Max. Oh, okay.

Joe Bell. What do you like to do for fun? You like to smoke pot for sure? For sure. This guy's eyes are fucking red as shit. Go ahead, or whatever. Anyone. What's your favorite playground?

Yeah, anything outdoors. That's accurate. What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do other than smoking pot? Baseball. What do some hobbies of yours? What do you do other than smoking pot? Baseball. What do you do with baseball? What the fuck do you sell? Hot dogs?

What do you do with baseball? He just trolls little league places and sees where the fucking hot ass there is. What do you do with baseball? You play baseball? I play baseball. What kind of league? A lesbian softball league? Amateur leagues, beer leagues. Wow. What position do you do with baseball? You play baseball? Play baseball. What kind of league? A lesbian softball league?

Amateur leagues, beer leagues. Wow. What position do you play? He's a professional creeper underneath the bleachers. First base. I'm left-handed. Wow. First base.

First base. Well, incredible. Are you nervous, dude? A little bit now. Yeah. Why? What's the worst thing you ever did in your life to anyone? Second worst besides this.

Probably get that 13-year-old girl pregnant a couple years later. Wait, wait, wait. So wait a second. Hold on. Let's go back to this story. Maybe I missed something. You got a 13-year-old girl pregnant? No, she was 15 when I got her pregnant.

We had been dating since then. They were together from 13 to 15. And then his sperm started coming out. Yeah. Oh, so this is when you were both the same age, but you got her pregnant, right? Two kids with her. Wait, what?

Two kids with her. You're still with her? Yeah, he's married to Miss Pat. Third on the way. Married what to Miss Pat. Third on the way. Married what? Miss Pat. Miss Pat. Have you not heard?

This is the craziest man at Skankfest. So you've been with, how old are you now? I'm 28. 28. And it's the same girl. You're still with her. Yes. You got a with her. Yes. You got a 13-year-old kid?

She's 12. You have a 12-year-old. You're 28. When you go to the junior prom, do you edit any of this? I think we do starting tonight. I know. Wow. So what's it like

having a kid that's almost the same age as you? I mean, that's why I say it's crazy. Are they ever like, fuck you, dad.

You do your homework. Go back to college, you idiot. You degenerate. Like, is your 15-year-old a girl or a boy? Girl.

Yeah. She's about to start talking. Ha, ha, ha. My God. What did you name her? What's her name? Grace. Grace?

Yeah. Coming to the stage, everybody. Only 15 years old. It's time to say your grace, everybody. Get ready for supper. Grace is coming to the stage. Would you say you guys had her so you could groom her?

You think that... Ari, you think this guy knows anything about grooming? Yeah. Yeah, Joel Byrne. Alright. My last name's not Alan, so no. Nah, I don't get it.

So, Stephen, you know, thanks so much for signing up. Really intriguing story that you had kids so early. There he goes. Stephen Witkowski, everybody. Can somebody start a GoFundMe for those kids? You guys having fun out there?

Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nico. Hey, wait. I just want quick... Bert Kreischer's in the crowd, everybody. Give it up for Bert Kreischer right there with the hat. Is that him? Yeah, make a wave, Bert. Take a shirt off. Fucking fat fuck. Put your hands together for your? Yeah, make a wave, Bert. Take a shirt off. Fucking fat fuck. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nico, everyone. Nico.

Where's Nico at? Is that a real thing? Oh, here we go. Nico, Nico, no. Nico, Nico, Nico. Here he is, everybody. It's Nico. Hello. Hello. Fuck. Alright. This is it, man. Here he is, everybody. It's Nico. Hello. Fuck. All right.

This is it, man. This is my fucking opportunity with the big shots, man. This is... Fuck, man. I had a fucking... I had a couple jokes before, but now fucking now that I'm up here, goddamn, I was hoping that fucking one of them was going to sign me to their label. Fucking give me a deal, man a couple 20 like a couple thousand man I'm really struggling up here man uh no no don't guys come on hey wait come on guys uh jokes set up punchline set up

punchline set up punchline all right all right guys, this looks like my high school gym teachers! They all, I, no, come, guys! Guys, the 60 seconds isn't done, it's not up yet. It's not up yet, I got more, I got more. I came prepared, I came prepared. Let's do it, go! Dude, set up punchline, set up punchline. Nico, set up punch, You fucking coke addicts.

You fucking coke. You son of a fucking... All right. All right. Wow, Nico, you're the worst ever. What happened? Look at this guy wearing his Sunday-only pass. Is there anything sadder?

This is my fucking fifth-grade teacher's vest, you guys. Come on. Still bombing. Nico, have you ever done comedy before? No. And you didn't prepare a minute for today? No preparal, anyone! First time on stage!

No preparal. Fuck! Alright, Nico. No preparal anyone first time on stage. No preparal. Fuck. Hey, hey. All right, Nico. Let's just keep it moving for somebody that actually wants the spot. Too many sign-ups tonight. Put the mic back in the mic stand. That's the worst kind of worst you could be, Nico.

I love you guys. I love you guys. They don't like you. Tony. Yeah, Joelberg. That guy looked like every dead member of Pantera in one. Do you get a lot of people who have just never done it? They're like, fuck it, let me try.

Well, I mean, normally they actually try. No one's ever like, fuck it, let me not try. I like how he kept yelling out the one thing he didn't do. He was like, no, I mean, normally they actually try. No one's ever like, fuck it, let me not try. I like how he kept yelling out the one thing he didn't do. Yeah. He was like, no, I prepared. I prepared. You're like, but then you didn't. He just got a Netflix special.

Yeah. He's trans. So they were like, we got to give something for you. Exactly. If he gets pregnant in the next few days, you might get one. Brianne's going to be your next comedian. Nikesh, everybody. Nikesh. N-I-K-E-S-H.

That sounds brown. It sounds brown. I think it is. It sounds brown as hell. Nikesh, everyone. Brown indeed. Here he is. Well, at least I go up after him. So I decided I would get into running recently.

I know it doesn't look like it, but I went out, got myself some new jeans. You know, they were real expensive, black. You're probably thinking, why would you get jeans if you're going to be running? And I would say, what do all the best runners have in common? Black jeans, right? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Let's do this. You guys, you've seen that new feature in Uber, right? You can click a button and tell the driver ahead of time, not that, you know, he's not going to talk to you. It's only available, though, in Uber Black, which is kind of fucked up because they're making you pay a shit ton of money so that the guy who's actually servicing you doesn't say anything. He keeps his mouth shut.

I just find it crazy that the CEO of Uber, like one of the biggest companies in the world, is stealing product strategy from a porn star that fucked the president. Okay, okay, okay, fuck off. Put your hands together for Nikesh, everyone Can you pay us back for our drone? Nikesh, was that your first time doing comedy?

I did like an open mic Like eight or ten years ago. I did a 9-11. You mastered it and then you were like we don't have to do that anymore? Yeah. I did a 9-11 year hiatus after that. You're the only brown comedian to take a break after 9-11?

Not a good move. Not a good time to stop. That's when they all made it. You know that, right? I don't know, man. He bombed and then I came up. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you would have never made it anyway.

I don't know. This guy looks like if Russell Peters and Gabriel Inglis made a baby together. He looks disgusting. He's like a Z-Zom sloppy. Thank you. Cat Burglar. This guy looks like an animated character from the movie Road to El Dorado.

I'm amazed that you showed up at Skankfest in this outfit. It's a weird... I like pastels. You can shut up. It's an interesting... What's wrong with pastels? I mean, I figure the only way Rich gets you wet

is if he turns around and says pastels in front of your face. Oh, my God. Nick Cash, stop it. Oh. Oh. Nick Cash. But you know what the difference is? I didn't fail.

As a parent. This isn't my job. What do you do for a living in a day? Good question. I'm a consultant. Consultant means he answers the phone on tech support and does not get your answers. What type of consultant are you, Nikesh?

What do you consult for, money? No, I help veterans hopefully get into better health care. Oh, wow. There he goes using the fucking veteran card. My only question is veterans for which country? Iraq or America? What is your

heritage, my friend? My parents are from India. I'm surprised your calves are not bigger I thought Indian people worship cows it would be the opposite but anyway like Indian people worship the cow they did they so anyway So you're from India now because you guys shit anywhere and you just did it here. now you feel it. Tony Hinscliffe just realized my brilliant joke.

I did. I just got it. I got it. I really did. I heard it backwards. I'll take the L on that one. I did. I clearly missed that joke. I thought it was backwards. I thought you said they don't worship cows, but yeah, they do. Okay.

Nikesh, how long have you been sipping on that Pedialyte? Yeah, for a while. It's pretty warm and gross right now. What's something crazy about you that we'd be surprised to know? He has boat shoes on, but no boat. Wow. Wow. Ari just knocked shoes on, but no boat. Wow. Ari just knocked the drink out of his hand. Wow.

I can't hate. I love this fucking guy. I can't hate. Of course. Why would you get mad? You barely had anything left. So, Nikesh, explain to me what type of weird year-long vacation... Not many people took a year vacations after 9-11. Explain to me what you... The parents are the people who planned it.

In a tough time, everything worked out well. Celebrate. What did you do during that year? I went to Zimbabwe, went bungee jumping off of the Victoria Falls. Bungee jumping? Are you sure you weren't ISIS training bungee jumping? Wow. You went bungee jumping. Yeah, they found a cord that could handle all this.

So I was like, why not? I wish I would have put it around your neck. put it around your neck. Nikesh, is there anything that you're afraid of that would surprise us that you don't think a lot of people are afraid of? I'm actually afraid of speaking in front of people. I don't like it.

Yeah, we didn't like it either. Is this something that you've always wanted to try? Stand-up comedy? Yeah, actually, I have. I loved doing it a few years, you know, when I did it back then. And I wanted to see if I sucked as bad now as I did back then, and I do. I think the cat burglar might be trying to steal your bag. You might want to...

Wow, he's going to give it to the cat. Nikesh, you really know how to work a crowd into a frenzy. Well, I'm glad that you came up here. We can rationalize that we had some diversity on this show. There he goes, Nikesh, everybody. The great... Man, that guy was a real weapon

of... Yeah. What's that, Ari? Okay, this looks like an interesting name. Make some noise for Biff Sweetwater. Biff Sweetwater. Almost never a good sign if Brian says he knows the guy. Sweetwater. Almost never a good sign if

Brian says he knows the guy. That means he drinks heavily into the latest hours of the night. He has a good shirt. This guy's going to be good. I can feel it. We're going to get a good one. Sweetwater, everybody. Come on. What up? Skank Fest!

Thank you, Ari. I almost didn't make it here because I was watching Netflix. Do you guys see the new Bill Cosby show? Making a Puddin' Pop? It's great. I forgot all my jokes as soon as I came up here on stage guys. So I apologize for this. I'm bombing. I was a career criminal most of my life. And in Canada, that can lead down three paths. You either start trafficking French Canadian women, or you start growing

weed, or you bootleg maple syrup. And I stayed into the maple syrup game. I don't want to get into too many sticky situations with the ladies or the do we, you know? Yeah, I was recently discovered my wife as a sociopath, so that's pretty cool. She ran off with my dog and about 10 grand. Haven't seen her in a while. I pretty much just came here to chew bubble gum and commit suicide, and I'm all out of bubble gum right now, guys.

So, yeah, this guy gets it. It's funny that he's dressed like that, because in my high school yearbook, people will say, I wanna be NHL, I guy gets it. It's funny that he's dressed like that, because in my high school yearbook, people say, I want to be NHL, I want to be this. I said, I want to be a corrupt police officer or a cat burglar. No lie, that's the real joke. Wow. Oh, my goodness.

This is incredible. Biff Sweetwater. Wow. What are your initial thoughts on Biff? Anybody have any... This show is getting sadder and sadder. I really was excited when we started. I didn't know it was going to be like this.

I've opened three GoFundMes for these guys so far. This is crazy. For those of you listening to the podcast, Biff Sweetwater looks like if the bearded lady survived chemo for breast cancer. It's gay narcos. You look like an out of work fortune

teller. Biff, what do you do for work looking like what you fucking look like? He makes hemp shirts. I recently got disowned by my family because they're ashamed They did the right thing.

So they paid me off and I haven't been working for the last six months. They disowned you and what? How much did you get? 90 grand. $90,000 to your family because they'll never see you again?

Yes. Wow. You cashed out at a bad time, buddy. And you spent it all on a do-rag? This was a gift, Bonnie. This was a gift. I didn't pay for this. So you're just milking the $90,000

until it runs out? Well, like I said, my wife ran off with a bunch. Slow it down, Biff. My God. This is the catch with some of these bucket pools. You mix CBD with cocaine, you have a fucking mess in front of you. Just these way too calm, fast answers all in once. Your wife ran off with a what?

A stack of my cash and my heart. How much of the $90,000 did the wife run off with? Like 10 Gs. But I had already paid all her fucking, she's from the UK. I paid off all her fucking debts. How did she explain to me how and why she ran off with your money, your dog and what else? Your car? His broken heart. Oh, she left with your heart. I have the cards. Wow. Okay. Very good. Uh, so why did she leave you? How recent was this? Because I discovered that she was the associate. I confronted her, and her move was to call the police.

Not really, like, say anything that would, like, get me arrested, but enough to, you know, dirty the water so that I look like a bad guy. Right. I feel like you already really enjoy dirty water, but... I take what I can get. Before she stole your heart, did she say, Kalima? I take what I can get. Before she stole your heart, did she say,

Kalima. How long ago was this breakup? January. January. Oh, so fresh. My goodness. I was in Hawaii a month ago. I was ready to just dive off the balcony. Wow, so now to remember her,

you just keep an article of her clothing wrapped around your head. So your family disowns you. Your wife leaves you. remember her, you just keep an article of her clothing wrapped around your head. So your family disowns you, your wife leaves you, and... With my dog. She took my fucking dog. Yeah, yeah. My rescue Pekingese. Cutest dog in the world. Rescue, please.

Did you walk on fucking cracking ice to get that dog? Yeah. I'm sure a rescue dog is the cutest dog in the world. What did you do to have your family disown you? I asked them to help me with my dog business. What's your dog business? I feel like you have the type of van they had in Dumb and Dumber where it's like, I got the best idea.

It's a van shaped like a dog. I was trying to be a dog walker for rich people. He fucks dogs, so it didn't catch on in Canada. But what he does, he cleans them out, then he fucking cleans them out. What's your dog business? It's called Biff's Bark Buddies. I was like a dog walker for rich people in Vancouver. Why would rich people want you to walk their dog?

No, it wasn't that. It was that, like... Over at... No, answer my... He's not on a microphone. Answer my question. Sorry, Tony. Why would rich people want you to walk their dog?

Convince us. I mean, look at me. Yeah, so the question stands. Why would rich people want you to walk their dog? Okay. All right. Come on, Tony. Come on.

Honestly, I'm a weird animal whisperer. I lived in the jungle with Costa Rica. Fucked with horses, donkeys. But your wife's a psychopath. I wish you would have whispered up here That deserves more Go fuck yourself He's a legend We're gonna edit in the laughs

I like you now Rich, we're gonna edit in the laughs After everything you say in post First of all It's gonna be great I'm about seven for ten That gets me in the hall of fame I love it

She's not gonna leave me for fucking ten grand Okay, I'm about seven for ten. That gets me in the Hall of Fame. She's not going to leave me for fucking ten grand. Okay, I'm done. Again, that's going to kill after editing. Biff, is there anything else crazy about you that you feel like we should know about that we'd find interesting about you and your life? Any special skills or talents?

I know a talent. He can sweat from his neck. I've never seen that before. How about another one, Biff? Anything else that you can do or anything like that? Anything you're good at? Anything you do? He keeps a woman. I feel like it's my time to go.

I promised I'd be at my friend's wedding in Vancouver, but after that, some fentanyl, boom, I'm done. There he goes, Biff Sweetwater, everybody. My God, I don't know what's happening here tonight. Kill Tony. Anything can happen.

What makes it great is what makes it scary is that anyone can sign up for this show. First time I've ever heard a plug for fentanyl on a podcast. Alright, I'm not even going to give that name any fucking credit. That's not even real. Okay, put your hands together for Kevin Kajatowski.

Kevin Kajatowski, everyone. Let's see what happens now. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right. Well, there you go. You must be loving yourself tonight. One more time for Kevin Kiotofsky. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone.

Dating's weird. It is. I don't know how to make a lobster now for some reason. It's weird to break the ice. Some people buy girls drinks, always think it's a little bit douchey, because there's no creativity, just flash a card, be like, whatever she's having, put it on my tab. And I'd never tried that, never think it would work, until, you know, I'm at a bar with friends, we're having a good time, buying drinks, tipping a well,

and the bartender gives us a couple shots of Jamer for free. And I look at that middle-aged man with the bald spot, gave me a shot, and I want to fuck him so bad now. Thank you so much. Free drinks are the best. You can have like 15 beers, three tequilas, a vodka,

and Long Island iced tea, and the bartender comes like, hey, there's an open PBR. You want it? Fuck yes. Yes. Free drinks. Anytime. Just line them up. Let's do this. Yeah. Woo! Woo!

Woo! Thank you. Thank you very much. Whoa, at this point, a drinking problem is refreshing, isn't it? You look like the Sklar brother that didn't make it. I'm back. Hey, there you go.

That's the laugh that we're going to edit into all the other things that you said. Kevin Kiotofsky, you are the funniest one of Conor McGregor's sparring partners we've ever had on this show. Thank you. You are Russian as fuck, huh? Yeah.

Well, I was born here, but my parents are from Belarus. Belarus. Is that anywhere near Vapen? It is. It is, right? It's right in the wind stream of it all. My mom was there when it happened, yeah. Really?

She was in Minsk. So if you guys watch the show and the professor opens the window and that beeps, she was in that city. Holy fucking shit. Did she have any side effects or anything weird? Yeah, her kid came out fucking awful. Yeah. That is incredible. So both of your parents are from Belarus?

And what does your dad do? He is a mechanic. He's a mechanic. What does mom do? She is a caretaker. A caretaker? Yeah. For you?

No. What do you do for work? Huh? What do you do? I'm a tech analyst. A tech analyst. So fun of a job. You have a girlfriend?

I do, yes. How long have you been with her? We've been over four years now together. Where'd you meet her at? At a bar. Yeah? What was your line? What was the first thing you said to her? She was the one that came up to me. Oh, wow. Where'd you meet her at? At a bar. Yeah? What was your line? What was the first thing you said to her?

She was the one that came up to me. Oh, wow. Look at you. And she's like, hey, are you James Franco's retarded brother? That is exactly kind of what she said. No, she said, her first line was, did you put something in my drink? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I like that.

Ha ha ha ha. Wow. What does your girlfriend do for work? She is a marketing associate at an architectural firm. Wow. Look at that. Bringing home the fucking bacon. Are you pursuing comedy as a career? I am not.

No. We thought that. Is this your first time ever doing it? It is, yeah. Wow. Congratulations. Is this something you've always wanted to do? I've just been a big fan of Kill Tony for years now. We saw you live three times. Wow, where at?

First time was the last show, 2017, in the Comedy Store. That was when the band were dressed as old people and they almost drove a scooter off the stage. Oh, I got mad that episode. That was an amazing episode. Jeremiah spilled my drink on me with a rascal stage. Oh, I got mad that episode. Jeremiah spilled my drink on me with a rascal scooter. Ruined my MacBook Pro.

And then next time was this gang fest last year and I thought, if I'm laughing at people bombing, I should bomb myself so I wouldn't feel as bad. Heck yeah. People from where you're from love that shit. My goodness. Your parents do anything weird like Belarusian

that's sort of like strange or like sort of that normie American people would be like, whoa, the whole house smells like biscuits all the time or something. My mom's a pothead. Really? Yeah. She'll smoke people here under the table. Really? Yeah, every day.

Oh my God. Bring her. Huh? That's incredible. And where do they live now? Yeah, every day. Oh, my God. Bring her. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I will. That's incredible. And where do they live now? Well, my parents are divorced, but my mom lives in Coney Island, and my dad lives in Jackson Heights. Oh, okay.

That's fun. Your eyes are dreamy. Thank you very much. Is there a Belarusian type of food that's famous that we would recognize? Plenty, yeah. Pilimeni with smetanas, borscht is famous, some cutlete. It's the best, yeah. All right.

Well, very interesting. That's a lot of fun. Hey, Tony, it's been a while since I've been here. Do you ever get any of these people, are they ever funny? Actually, this has been sort of a crazy. This is one of the, by far, normally New York episodes are smash, smash, smash, smash. This is a lot of people just like, I'm a fan, had no idea, don't know why I signed up, this is fucking crazy,

this is so weird, I mean, it feels, the lights are bright, the sound is weird. Once in a while this happens. The worst shit that they could do, and somehow they're all fans of the show, they've heard people do this repeatedly in different cities and at the comedy store, and yet here they come, one after the other, I had no idea. This is crazy.

Good to be here. It's exactly it. Yeah. It's exactly it. Boggles my mind. One guy didn't even fucking prepare. At least normally people at the bottom are like, man, I prepared and now I fucking don't

remember. And the crowd's like, come on, you've got it. But no, not you pieces of shit tonight. It's a bunch of real fucking do-nothings. How long did you prepare for this? When I was outside. Yeah, great. Fucking seemed like it. Has anyone ever told you

that you're funny? No. Not really. I have nothing left to say. I mean, that is just, nobody in his life has told him he's funny and it doesn't change here tonight. There he goes,

Kevin Kai Yatovsky. You know what? I'm going to do something special here. I got to change. The worst thing, by the way, about that is that he didn't prepare at all. He was like,

fuck it, I'll come up here and just try something. And he was just as bad as all the people who have been doing it for three years. Yeah. It's mind-blowing.

I have no idea what's happening here. That's why I'm going to do something special right now to change the mood in this room a little bit. There is a comedian that is here that actually won this spot to come to Kill Tony. He became a part of the festival when Luis J. Gomez was on an episode in beautiful Los Angeles, California. the festival. When Luis J. Gomez was on an episode in beautiful Los Angeles, California, he gave away a spot to a comedian and it ended up going down to a final tournament. They had a one-liner competition. This guy won. He's one of our favorite people in the history of Kill Tony. At one point, he was going to quit comedy. I had to give him a pep talk and he fucking kept doing it and started having more breakthroughs in his youthful career.

You know him, you love him if you're a fan of the show. He's here for Skank Fest from a gift from Luis J. Gomez. It's the one, the motherfucking only, Steve Lee, everybody! This guy's a fucking killer. Are you guys ready to see somebody that can actually kill Tony? Skank Fest, I need you to do better than that.

Here he comes. Steve Lee. Steve Lee. Steve Lee. Steve Lee. Live from Skank Fest. It's Steve Lee. I'm really scared.

There's a spot that's really wet right underneath me. I don't want to be more disabled. Just saying. Can I move the mic back a little bit? Okay. All right. Let's restart the clock for Steve Lee. 60 seconds starting now.

Only for Steve Lee. So people with disability, a lot of us, we need the straw to drink, you know, like when we go to a fast food place. And the environmentalists, they want to take that out away from us. What are they going to do next? They take out the cement, the ramp, you know, like, it's using too much cement. It's killing the environment.

And then they're going to take out the elevators and burn it too much coal. You know, okay, I have a trade-off. Like, okay, I love to turn those two. But, okay, I don't use my straw. You don't use your condoms, okay? Do it raw, doggy style. Cream pie, I don't care. Catch all your STDs naturally.

That's it. Fuck yeah. Steve Lee. 55 seconds. In and out. Comes in. Kills kills kills kills and gets out just before the sound of the kitty. We fucking love you Steve Lee. Give him a hand. He needs literally

he could literally use two of them right now. I'll tell you, I love the whole handicapped character. When we were in the back playing hacky sack, you go, watch this. Great funny stuff, man. A handicapped character. I mean, I am, but I can't get out of it. Tony.

That would be so, so Wong. Somehow he's the least disabled person we've had on stage tonight. Yeah. For those of you just listening to the podcast, they're calling him disabled because he's Asian. There's nothing else wrong with him. Tell us your condition. What's that from?

Car accident? I was born this way. No, I know. It's a rare condition called upside down hands. His hands look like a Salvador Dali painting. I've never wanted to kick the crush out of somebody in my life more than I wanted to kick them out of me. more than I wanted to kick them out from under here. All right.

Oh, wow. I almost passed out there for a second. That was incredible. Do you have to stand on your head when you jerk off? You know what? We've had Steve on the show many times, and that actually inspires me to ask, how do you masturbate, Steve Lee? That's a good question.

Do you have a special technique? That guy only fucks bitches. Yeah, absolutely. Do you have a special... Do you want to do a demonstration? Sure, whatever you want to do. Oh. Wow.

Wow. That made me laugh and almost puke at the same time. Last night, Louis C.K., now this. I wouldn't mind. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That was like... I have feminine hands, too, so it might get me to open.

Oh, hell yeah. So just racially, if I could ask, your father's Chinese? Yeah. And your mom's part frog? The straws are killing his people. You're full Chinese? Yeah. That's right. How's your trip been to Skankfest so far?

Amazing, man. The first time I had painkiller and beer together. Wow. Okay. By the way, I need the painkiller unless some of you posters are out here. Wow. If anybody has an extra painkiller, give it to Steve Lee. Oh, this guy's going straight into his backpack right now.

He knows a good cause when he sees it. Hell yeah. That's the good thing. It's good. Okie dokie. Holy shit. We have our own personal Apollo 13 here at Scuff. You were born in America? No. Holy shit. We have our own personal Apollo 13 here at...

You were born in America? No. You were born in China? I'm from Hong Kong. No, he was born in a microwave, clearly. You can tell Hong Kong is not real China because otherwise he would have been drowned. That is incredible.

Commentary on China. My goodness, Steve Lee. So what else? Any other favorite parts of Skankfest? Perhaps like the stairs or something like that? Yeah, right. Getting up and down 15 times a day. That must be a hassle, huh?

Well, first of all, I have to thank you guys to put me on this show, fly me out here, and all you guys appreciating my comedy. Thank you very much. You really found the bottom of my heart. Man, if Luis J. Gomez found out that the only comedian that's done good on this show

so far tonight was from Los Angeles, he would kill himself. Literally. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Dude, I gotta tell you this story. The week I won your

Kill Tony show, and then the weekend I was producing a short film for people with disability, and the winner had the film show to industry, right? I was so excited. Did you get to hobble on the red carpet? Okay, go ahead. So I got a feature film director helping me out.

I was so excited. And then I got a call from my mom. Hey, your dad just died. Like, what? Oh, no. My dad lives in Hong Kong all the way. So I had two days to finish the film And I was numb in that moment

And I was thinking That's actually the right music And now our next act Keep going, I want to hear this So I was thinking Should I abandon the whole team? No, I stuck with my team So I was there, should I abandon the whole team? No, I stuck with my team. So I was there for two more days.

I mean, I didn't get to see my dad anyway. I mean, he was in Hong Kong all that time. And after I finished the writing the first day, I was crying driving back home. I almost died. I wrote all day. Because you driving back home. I almost died, dude. I rode all day. Because you driving is so...

Yeah, that's kind of true. When you say you almost died, what do you mean? Because I was riding the whole day with the team and then I was crying and it mixed with my sweat. Right. It got in my eye. And plus your hand can't reach your eye to

rub the tears away. So. When you're writing, do you just bang your face on the computer? No, actually. That's how Rich does it. Bonnie. Bonnie. Bonnie.

Bonnie. Wow. I love that. I wrote like Stephen Hawking, so. Yeah. Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie Wow I love that I wrote like Stephen Hawking Yeah, no, I love it So I finished the whole film What's longer, the film or the story? Go ahead, Steve Lee

I can only feel sorry for you for a little bit longer So I stopped comedy for two months, man And I just came back to it recently, two weeks ago. Well, I'm telling you, Steve Lee, I think maybe sitting, because I noticed you were sitting in the front row here tonight, I hope that you can see clearly. I mean, you have a very special knack for this. Well, ironically, those glasses have no prescription.

Trying to fit in Hollywood? Makes him look smarter. He was the best one tonight, for sure. Yeah, you've been getting laughs the whole time, and you're so compelling, and to do that all with all these things happening around you and against you, it just goes to show it's going to make you that much stronger when things are going good and you're feeling good.

You're still going to be able to have that tough, came from the grit, work, muscle, writing. Finally get rid of those crutches. I love it. He came all the way out here for this, guys. Flew him out and everything. There he goes, Steve Lee. The great Luis J. Gomez

made that happen. Just gave it away out of the kindness of his heart on a Kill Tony episode. This Louis J. Gomez gets my vote for President of the United States. Just unbelievable, the stuff he does for Skank Fest,

for comedy. So fucking cool. I love it. You guys ready to go back to the bucket, see another comedian, huh? Put your hands together for Kevin A. Escobar, everyone. Kevin A. Escobar. Wait a second. This sounds familiar.

Is this guy on yesterday? Kevin A. Escobar? Is that you? It feels like he was on yesterday. That name sounds familiar. If this guy bombs two days in a row, I'm just going to kill everybody in the room. So here he comes.

Kevin A. Escobar. Holy shit. I'll kill myself after this. Anyway, how are you guys doing? Good? All right, let's see. Anyway, when I was 12 years old, I was an altar boy.

But listen, before you assume anything, please. But I fucking hated it. And one day I started crying to my mom. I was like, I don't want to go to church anymore. It's like, why? Did the priest do something to you? Yeah, that's it. Yeah. So then the following week, I find out that he was arrested. Yeah. Because he was actually molesting a few of the other altar boys.

Yeah. Now, I was angry. I was angry, you know, yet relieved. But was it wrong of me to also feel jealousy? Right? I felt a little rejected. Like, why didn't he look at me the same way? Wasn't I also a delicious treat created by God?

Right? But then again, I unknowingly helped other kids that were actually being abused. And who says lying is bad, right? Religion does it all the time. My bad, baby Jesus. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Kevin A.S.

I just took a shit, so I'm like really... No, don't keep burying the show, Kevin. Just take a breath for a little minute here. You should have pretended you were blind. I actually just took off my glasses. Okay, let's check in with the cat burglar over there. You may not be aware, but that is a Dom Herrera joke. Oh, it is.

Oh, yeah, it's an old hacky premise. I've never seen it done this badly, though. I didn't even notice a punchline. I can't believe that's anyone's. I mean, I must have missed it. Like, I just sort of like, I've been trying to pay attention, but I kept tuning out. Kevin, you bombed two nights in a row.

Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up again? Remind us. One year. Oh, one year. Very good. Okay. That's enough.

Yep. We did. We got it. We got it, Kevin. I like that you're still dressing the way you did when you were an altar boy. Same age group. Still waiting for that priest. Maybe now,

Father. So, Kevin, two nights in a row, just really a tall glass of unpurified fucking water we're just gonna keep it moving along okay can I give a message

a serious message to Kevin and the other open micers like guys you for sure suck but it's gonna get better just keep working and you'll start to slowly get better and I'll even put one more little icing on the cake on top of that it's going to get better. Just keep working and you'll start to slowly get better. And I'll even put one more little icing on the cake on top of that. It's like write fucking

jokes, man. It's about jokes and jokes and jokes and nothing else and short and sweet and precise and original and fucking dig until you got it. Write dog shit and then sift through it to find the good stuff. Like the editor for Rich Voss' part of this podcast

is going to have to do. I'm kidding, Rich. No, I know. Listen, I don't think I haven't carried it at other shows before. This is a lot of fun. Hey, listen, I'm not going to be like Gandhi here. Have a fallback plan.

You know what I mean? There he goes, Kevin Escobar, everybody. You know what? Listen, I'm not going to be like Gandhi here. Have a fallback plan. You know what I mean? There he goes. Kevin Escobar, everybody. You know what? I don't trust this fucking bucket tonight. I'm going to do something else right now. He really wants one last thing to say.

Oh, really? Do you really have one more fucking thing to say? I just want to plug one thing, please. Plug what? No, no, Kevin. No, you didn't deserve that. Put the mic in the fucking mic stand. No.

Wait, hold on. Hold on. There he goes, Kevin. I would have said yes. What's that thing on his arm? Is that a Joe DeRosa tattoo? So I don't trust this bucket tonight. Do you guys trust this bucket tonight? He wanted you to say no. Guys? He wanted you to say no.

Guys, he wanted you to say no. Very split. Very split. I'm going to do something else special. There is a guy out there that I know for a fact. More special than Steve Lee? Perhaps. Who knows?

I mean, we've had Steve Lee on the show for years before. He's an L.A. comic. He signs up regularly in L.A. This guy, I believe, I know for a fact he's never done stand-up for Kiltenny. I'm pretty sure it's his first time doing stand-up comedy, period. This is a guy who I saw here the first night that I was here, and I recognized him, and I couldn't remember how. And then I remembered when I was in London, England, this guy was in the audience, and he had a very distinct laugh. And it was a show that really stood out to me

because it was the night after, it was my first show after I found out Brody Stevens had killed himself and I didn't want to do that show that night and I canceled it for part of the day and then I went back and just ended up doing it, basically, even though I didn't want to. My manager's like, hey, maybe you'll enjoy that hour.

Maybe it'll be an hour that you're not thinking about it. My manager was wrong. Yeah, just like a manager or an agent tell you to get that money. Exactly, right. And, okay, very good. There's, that was that. Very good.

And, but the one thing that stood out to me for that set that made me laugh and enjoy myself was hearing this guy's distinct laugh. And I got to talk with him a bit, and he came all the way here from London, England, everybody. He's never done stand-up on Kill Tony before. Put your hands together. It's my first time ever seeing him perform.

I think it's his first time performing stand-up is my point. Put your hands together for Kevin Scott, everyone. Kevin Scott. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Come on, Skank Fest. Give me a little bit of energy. We're only halfway through the day here. Come on, Skankfest. Give me a little bit of energy. We're only halfway through

the day here. Kevin Scott. Here he is. Hey, how you doing, people? So everyone probably remembers the first time they realized that their parents weren't that smart. You know what I mean? Some of you probably were very young. Some of you a bit older. Could have been yesterday for others of you. For myself, I think I was probably around 11. I can't remember what happened. Probably some shit at school. And I came home and my parents started like shouting at me and the big thing was they're just like we wish we didn't have you and I was a bit like wait so that that's the big thing that's the big thing to hurt me I'm like, you adopted me, you idiots. You had a receipt.

Just, you could have returned me. What is wrong with you? You fools. You know what I mean? It's just like, I'm not hurt, but now you've just got on the disdain train. All right, thank you, people. Yeah, Kevin Scott.

Look at that. I love that. Grab that microphone, Kevin. We're going to talk to you a bit here look at that I love that grab that microphone Kevin we're going to talk to you a bit here Grab that microphone Heck yeah you may recognize Kevin Scott As the guy from the sandlot The ball rolled over to his side of the fence It's British powder

There really is no sun in Europe, huh? Heck yeah. Welcome. And so, Kevin, this is your first time on Kill Tony. First time to New York? You come here often? Third time. Third time to New York.

Very good. And you are blind? Yeah, I'm kind of registered blind. I've kind of got sight, but it's like you're just kind of an outline kind of thing. There's no real detail or anything like that. Oh, well, if you're that close to Ari, that's a good thing. You must be thinking that there's a shark swimming sideways next to you. That's just his nose.

There are two sharks circling you right now. Han, han, han, han, han, han, han. So, Kevin, tell us more about you. Is that true? You were adopted? Yeah. Your parents thought you were white? And so what have you been doing with your life?

Tell us more about you. You seem like a wise, good gentleman. You made it all the way here. I can't believe such a, you know, esteemed Britishman made it all the way here to Skankfest. Only just. I've been lost a lot. What was that? fest. Only just.

I've been lost a lot. What was that? I came to the Gramercy on Thursday and Google Maps said that it should take me 25 minutes and it took over an hour. It was crazy. It sucks being blind, I'm sure.

Not easy to find your way around, exactly. That is cool. Hey, I know you're blind. Have you checked out the chicks in Thailand? Chicks in Thailand? Yeah, they love anal, bro. Hey.

Heck yeah. So what do you do for work? You have a job? Marketing and communications. Oh, very cool. Absolutely. You're so well-spoken. What do you think is the most British thing about you?

Is there something you do? You love tea? No, I'm a coffee person, man. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't got a clue. I feel like you like your coffee black, but with lots of cream. You could have that one, by the way.

You take that. It's a gift. Because that's what you are, right? You're an albino black man, correct? Yeah. We have a friend in the comedy community, Nate Hurd, who I actually, when I was talking with you, catching up with you yesterday, I actually noticed a comedian. I can't imagine how many times it's happened to you.

You notice a lot of comedians saying, hey, what's up, Nate? Has anybody said that to you other than the person that I saw do that to you? No, that was the first time. Wow. But people, like sometimes they come up to me and be like, oh, shit, I went to school with you. You're blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, no, I'm not. They're like, yeah, you are.

Because it's a funny thing, because black people get mad when you say, oh, they all look alike. But when it comes to black albinos, even you can sort of admit, right? You're asking a blind man if all black albinos look alike. Come on, you can agree.

Come on. Have you ever been called the N-word? Yeah. Really? By who? Yeah. Your adopted parents? No, I grew up in a very white area.

So there was, yeah, it was kind of crazy. I have a question about the adoption system in the UK. Do they get to see who they're getting before they make their decision? Or is it more like a potluck and they lost? Yeah, Ari, it's like a puppy shelter with a clear window. And they're like, is that one, please? Yeah, it's just like a little black box, and they lift up the lid, and it's just like,

here's what you got. It's like, oh, damn, a black albino? Shucks. That white baby has a huge dick. And you would know something about that, wouldn't you? Joelberg over here, as we found out at the Naked Roast the other day, now I call him Mr. Potato Head. Polberg.

Yeah. My goodness. Is there anything we'd be surprised about your life that you do or as a hobby or anything like that? What do you do for fun? Is there anything else you're into other than comedy? I've got a couple of podcasts. A couple of podcasts? Oh, you do podcasts?

Yeah. Oh, that's cool. I mean, I would love to listen to your voice to fall asleep to. This would be a good time to plug your podcast instead of just mentioning it. All right. Yeah. So I've got one called Echoes from the Void that comes out every Wednesday.

What's that about? That's just general shit. So if I talk about things that I saw in the news that I might have something to say on, and then thoughts on shit I've done that week. Like feeding on babies after midnight? There's that laugh. That's the laugh, by the way.

If you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It made my set that night in London so fun. I've never, literally the most depressed I've ever been in my life. And the only shining little star in the black sky was just ah ah ah ah ah I'm like I don't even want to be up here and then each joke I'm like wait I gotta hear more of that so I'm just like ah ah ah ah ah four four punchlines ah ah ah ah ah you have a beautiful laugh.

How about your other podcast? Let's go for the double plug. So that's called Echo Chamber, and that's a film review and interview podcast. Well, you have such a fucking cool voice. I'm glad that you recognize it. I'm glad that you know that's a cool thing for you and a good field for you to be in.

You're getting listeners? Yes. You know, it's growing. Start small, it grows. That's exactly what happened. You're about to get nine more. Yeah. The other day I interviewed the top Buddhist monk

from Mongolia. Oh, I love the way you say Mongolia. Mongolia. Mongolia. Do they rank the Buddhist monks now? Ari. Can you please just keep laughing right into that microphone so these people can hear it? Ari.

Go ahead, Jeremiah. You didn't see the BuzzFeed article, Top 10 Monks to Watch? The original number one set himself on fire. The last thing I'll say to you, Kevin, is we have to get your laugh down. If you could ever maybe send a... If you could laugh

in a recording studio for us in your podcast equipment and email it to Red Band or message it to us somehow. I'd love to have that be part of our sound effect go-to chamber. I see what I can do for you guys.

Just throwing this out there, you could get it from the podcast he just did where he sent it into a microphone that was recorded. I mean, that's true. Or we could get it super clear. I guess we could do either one. Unfortunately, we couldn't make him laugh. But maybe someone has equipment and whatnot. But there he goes.

All the way from London, England, guys. Come on. All right. I mean, when I say this is risky business, I mean this is fucking risky business. But should we go back to this thing one last time? All right. I'm going to fucking really try my best here. Okay.

Okay. Put your hands together for your final comedian. Oh, wait. We didn't get a girl up here, have we? We haven't had a lady up here tonight. Bonnie is sitting right next to you. You want her to do a minute, Ari? No, I do not.

Matt is not a girl. Chris is not a girl. You want to get one? You're at Skank Fest. Sorry to Louis. Sorry to Dylan. Oh, there're at Skank Fest. Sorry to Louis. Sorry to Dylan. Oh, there's Steve Lee's name. There's Calvin.

I got one. Josh. I got one. Brandon. Oh, okay. We found one. You guys ready for this? Your final comedian of the night.

By the way, that process is just like when I was booking This Is Not Happening, and there were all these qualified men. I was like, no, next, next. I fucking got to get one. No, come on. All right, yeah, that'll do. Got to get one in there. It's 2019, people.

Put your hands together for Becca Kidder, everybody. Here she comes. Win the withers. All right. Switch right up and touch the sky. Time. Don't get with me. I'm a diamond, I'm a... Hey!

Step back from that ledge, my friend. One more time for Becca Kidder, everybody. What's up, guys? I'm Becca. I'm 28 years old. I'm from Salt Lake City. Managed to be from Mormonville without kids. I'm an anomaly. People assume, though, that, like, since I don't have kids, I don't want them. That's not really the truth. I think if I were a parent, I'd take really good care of them.

However, it can be, really. Like, people complain about it a lot, but it's just the plan B pill on your way to work in the morning. It's super easy. I take care of him really well. You know? Abortion jokes. I'm not saying I'm a whore, but I have a question. Do you ever, have you ever given a guy a blowjob and accidentally thrown up, but then apologized, but you shouldn't because it's technically his fault? No? Okay.

Me neither. Whatever. That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Becca Kidder. My friend. One more time for Becca, guys. You did it, Becca. Is this your first time you've been doing stand-up a while? No, just a few months.

Oh, very cool. All of it in Salt Lake City? Yeah. You go to Wise stand-up a while? No, just a few months. Oh, very cool. All of it in Salt Lake City? Yeah. You go to Wise Guys, the open mic there? Yeah. It's cutthroat. You wouldn't imagine, but Salt Lake City is great. No, I do imagine.

It's a great scene there. Keith over at that club is unbelievable. Yep. One of those beautiful cities. A lot of meth. A lot of meth in Salt Lake City. Really? Underrated.

Wow. Underrated meth town. I did not know that. How does it feel to be by far and away the better of the two Salt Lake City comics tonight? Great. I feel good. It is incredible. Salt

Lake City's Becca Kidder. You look like you like everything with salt. Even your cities. Let's check in with Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. I can tell she's having a great time at Skankfest because from back here it looks like she laughed her ass off. No ass.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You really don't have a butt. That doesn't make sense. I used to be a fatty, so be fair. What happened to your butt? I lost a bunch of weight. The cat burglar got it.

Cat burglar. Why do you think you have a California flat ass? Genetics. But I also lost a ton of weight. Let me see your ass. Keep looking for it. Turn around. Your ass

looks like Margaret Cho's face. It is incredible. You don't look like from the front like you would have no ass, but you got no ass. Sorry. No, it's okay. Sorry. It's all right.

That's not. We would make fun of guys who have no asses. We're realistically here to look at anyway, so it's like whatever. Heck yeah. Not only does she not have a lot of junk in their trunk, she keeps it quite clean and empty and makes sure she. Definitely easy to clean. None of the cheeks to worry about any

clumping up on the sides or anything like that. An easy wipe. It's basically like a okie-dokie. I don't know. You know what? You're so cute and for three months you were fucking as good as... Well, you were good. you were fucking as good as well you were good and

really keep it up you really you got a cute good good disposition what's the word disposition I think disposition was good yeah keep the compliment coming sorry deposition you can see you can see star quality and he's playing

the saxophone. No, good job. I'm trying to be fucking nice, you assholes. Yeah, absolutely. A few months in, let's check in with the great Bonnie McFarlane. Well, unlike these guys, I'm not going to talk about your looks.

I'm going to talk about your comedy. Yes. How fat is that brain of yours? Show us that brain ass. What that right stem do. What that right stem do? Yeah, you have a great look for comedy, for sure. You're one of the few comedians that look like both Mike and Molly at the same time.

That's so fun. So Salt Lake City's competitive, huh? Yeah. Are there a lot of women in this scene there? Like in the open mic area? It's not like any comedy. It's not female heavy. Right.

However, you are. We're going to hear from Bonnie McFarlane again. I'm just happy to hear you like Plan B. Did you really puke while giving a blowjob? Was that real? Oh, I do that all the time Yeah, I was going to say It's a good thing

You don't have to apologize No, I apologize He says that, but it's like No, I have to I give up I'm sorry It honestly looks like your plan B was bacon It used to be

You're fun What do you do for work, Becca? I work for a food distribution company. Food distribution. I just buy groceries, yeah. Oh, cool. You're a grocery bagger. No, they give me money, and I spend their money to buy groceries.

Like for Wendy's. They're a big account of ours. Wait, wait, what? Yeah. Wendy's, huh? Wow, that's great. So you do basically a lot of grocery shopping in between doing a lot of grocery shopping.

Yep. All right. These guys can't laugh at jokes at Fat Chicks because that's all that they fuck. Booyah! I'll bite you. I'll get you. All right.

What else? Anything we'd be shocked to know about you? Any other super fun facts or anything? You're like a pro wrestling champion or anything? We had someone body slam. I went to juvie when I was 17. I was in juvie for like two years. Oh, wow.

A battery was the charge. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. What kind of battery? The one you use to put in your vibrator? Didn't even make sense. Those are dead.

Sometimes I go for speed instead of structure. You can see you're trying to find it halfway. They're like, what kind of battery? Come to me. The kind that you come on. You put in your... Fuck! What kind of battery? We know it wasn't Assault and battery

Fuck Way to take the heat off Tony Wow Alright Becca well we're gonna get you out of here Thank you so much You guys think we can do one more fast one? One more fast one Super fast

Alright this is it Can I say something? Guys listen up for a second This never gets really said I just want to point out Someone who's on this Deus right now Brian Reitman

You might not know this But he actually started The careers of a bunch Of podcasts you like Without him I don't do a podcast There's no Your mom's house podcast

There's no Joe Rogan's podcast And over one other podcast That I did That's why I was like's podcast. And over one other podcast. Give it up for the podfather, Mr. Brian Redman, everybody. Beautiful. Beautiful. I love that. Overrated.

And this is, and I would like to say a special shout out to Brian and Jeremiah and Joel this is the official last stop of what I believe is some type of 23 city tour that we just did over the last

month and a half absolute insanity we've been everywhere and some places where we will absolutely never go again Milwaukee so we want to give a big thanks to sanity. We've been everywhere and some places where we will absolutely never go again. Milwaukee. Yeah. So we want to give a big thanks to all the comics who brought it tonight.

Yes. And I pulled one last name out of the bucket. We're going to get through them fast and talk to them fast. It's one name. Put your hands together for Bam, everybody. This is it. Bam. What a way to end the night. We ended it with a Bam. Brett A. Morris, everybody. This is it. Bam. What a way to end the night. We ended it with a Bam. Brett A. Morris,

everybody. Bam. Is it coming? I get the feeling. I'll bet you a few people left when I said one more. No Bam? Right? That's not Bam. Right? Okay's not bam. Right?

Okay. Nobody said anything. Let's keep going. Oh, this is exciting. You know this young lady as a former regular on this show, everybody. Her very first time doing stand-up comedy was on Kill Tony. She was a regular on this show for two years. She's such a fucking hustler

that amongst all the other shows that she does, she signed up to be here tonight. What better way to close the show than someone who started on Kill Tony that you all know. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, former regular, Kill Tony legend, Kim Congdon, everybody.

Wow, how cool is that? Thank fucking Wow. How cool is that? Thank fucking God. How cool is that? It really is a bucket of destiny. Oh, my God. I'm so nervous. This is crazy. I know this is kind of awkward, and some of you are like, holy shit.

Kim's here at Skank Fest. It's kind of weird. Her and Louis broke up, and now she's here doing stand-up, but like the truth is, I'm not here to do stand-up. I came to kill Louis. He's gonna die. Thank you, thank you. It is weird dating a guy with a kid

because I always knew that like I probably didn't have like that motherly instinct to save him first if something bad happened. Like one night I was putting that, like, I probably didn't have, like, that motherly instinct to save him first if something bad happened. Like, one night, I was putting him to bed. Lewis wasn't home. And I read him a book. I sing him a song. And he was like, hey, Kim, I'm scared. Can you stay a little longer? I was like, yeah, what's wrong?

And he goes, I can't tell you, but she's in my room. It was a pitch black, and he said that. And I was like, hey, I got to go. It was a pitch black and he said that, and I was like, hey, I gotta go. This sounds like a problem for your mom, you know? Um, so yeah, him and Lewis both got ghosted. Thank you so much.

Hey. Fuck yeah. How cool is this? Pulled out of the bucket Built and constructed Born out of the depths of Kill Tony and the belly room And uh Amazing that you got pulled out of the bucket I was literally conceived by you and Brian

Yeah it's true I remember that and you were what 21? 22 Wow incredible Hot Still are Thank you And you were what, 21? 22. Wow, incredible. Hot. What? Hot.

Yeah. Still are. Thank you. I especially like the part about fucking over Louis and killing Louis. Yeah, that was a great part. Yeah, really hit home and it was relatable. Thank you. So you guys really broke up, huh? Yeah, we for real broke up.

Wow, that's incredible. Why'd you break up? Did you realize he was Louis? It took a while, yeah. She woke up in the middle of the night like, what have I been doing? After you broke up, are the other 30 people still living in the apartment?

You know what? I'm tired, too. No, you're good. Bonnie, you know Kim? I love tired, too. No, you're good. You're good. Bonnie, you know Kim? I love Kim. You're so funny. I didn't watch you tonight because I was trying to figure out what's going on with your pants.

But otherwise, I think you're hilarious. Thank you. She killed it last night on Would You Bang Him? She doesn't fail. I've done roast battle with her. She doesn't fail. And I can't think of a better way to close the show than with her. Absolutely. Thank you so much I can't think of a better way to close the show than with her.

From Kill Tony to Comedy Central's roast battle. I mean, just great stuff. And a little fun fact for those of you just listening to the podcast, Kim has enough ass to make up for the last girl that was on stage. The great Kim Congdon, everybody!

We did it again. That's an episode of Kill Tony with Bonnie McFarlane, Rich Voss, and Ari Shafir. Vossroast.com. If you love roasting, and I know you do, go there, check it out, get it, buy it, whatever you have to do. Listen to the My Wife Hates Me podcast,

and of course, Skeptic Tank Zone, Ari Shafir, everybody. We love you guys. Thank you so much for doing this. You guys are amazing. How about one more time? Good and loud for the great Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Wonders. Jeremiah Stand Up. Everything on social media. How about one more time? Good and loud for Joel Berg,

Joel Jimenez, guys. Atmosely sorry. And everything else. How about one more time for Brian Redband. That's it. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Bye. Oh, yeah. Hey.

Hey, also. Also. Hey. Also, Jake the Snake is doing meet and greets in the lobby, and then he'll be up at 6.30 in the ballroom. Jake the Snake Roberts, everyone. Meet and greets in the lobby right now. Субтитры подогнал «Симон»