KILL TONY - KILL TONY #376 - PLANO

Episode Date: July 14, 2019

Adam Ray, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/10/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut O'Shaken espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony.

Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And also, if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world- Famous Comedy Store, but we're always on the road. We're going to be July 25th at the Fillmore in Philadelphia. July 26th, we'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. August 3rd, we're going to be at the Let's Fest in Indiana doing two shows. We're also going to be at Hyena's in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd. And The Road to Kill Tony is going to be at the Punchline August 16th.

And then August 18th will be Kill Tony Mania 2 at Cobbs in San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the latest updates. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own dates doing stand-up. He has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com for posters and merch. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We got hats and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We got hats and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Hyenas in Plano, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hatchcock. Plano, Texas, make some fucking noise. Yowie, wowie, Brian Red Band's here, everybody. Hey, guys. Hey's here, everybody. Hey, guys. Hey, guys, behind me. We are live. Kill Tony, Plano, Texas.

There is a lot of fucking white people energy going on in this room right now. It is powerful. This is very exciting. This is our first ever Kill Tony in Plano, Texas. I've been getting this scoop for the past hour about what you guys are all about. This is very exciting. A very, very diverse crowd. All shapes and sizes of white people.

Look at this. Some weird looking people in this room right here. Look at this fucking young Bobby Kennedy over here. Like if he's like on steroids and had the fucking Benjamin Button disease at the same time. Top button, rosy cheeks. We have fucking, we have Donald Trump wears Waldo right here. Stand up and wave to these people. Where's Waldo, the hip Donald

Trump supporter? This guy looks like he's trying to make bicycles great again. So much fun. This is exciting to be out. Life is good. It's important to know that you can enjoy yourself and

travel the world. We're here in Plano. We drove through a fucking super thunderstorm to get here. Some clouds of the cumulus nature. There's a lady that is a fan of thunderstorms over there, just a random fan of bad weather. Wow, it's crazy how much louder that is than my voice. You would think that the host of the show would be, like, super clear and loud and powerful.

But nope, just at any point, the way the sound on this show is done is thunder drowns out everything, everybody. Isn't that great? Do I sound loud enough in the back to you guys? Should I be louder? All right. Well, since we're having a conversation about it, I guess it's okay. You're good, Tony. Good to see you again, pal.

All right, so let's just jump right into it. We normally never have guests on the road. Isn't that crazy? You guys are all fans of it. You guys listen to this podcast a lot, right? You guys are fans of stand-up comedy? Well, we got really lucky. It turns out this weekend, one of our really, really great friends

and a past guest, multiple-time past guest of this show, is in town here all weekend, actually, starting tomorrow and the next night here in Plano, Texas. He's one of the best comedians in the world. He's one of our best friends. I started with this guy 12 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a little special treat.

Your guest tonight, the great Adam Ray, everybody! What? What? From Ghostbusters! About last night. He's in Plano all weekend. Plano, baby! His new album

is out now. Read The Room. Available everywhere. You've been on the show multiple times. You're so much fun. Pumped to be here. You do a podcast with the great Brad Williams. Brad Williams, yeah. And he is also here He's under the table

You get a free vodka soda You get a Brad Williams Have you seen the online Trolling back and forth Between Brad Williams and our good friend Wee Man of the show It's getting pretty deep They need to do like a roast battle

Head to head Which for us is knee to knee of the show. It's getting pretty deep. They need to do a roast battle together. Head to head, which for us is knee to knee. These guys are having midget wars out there. I'm just going to go right out and say it. I don't know if you're allowed to call them that anymore, but they'll always be goddamn midgets to me. You know what I'm saying? We're in Plano. I think anything flies.

Right, Waldo? There he is. You missed it. I already called him that. Did you know that? Did you really? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

We keep everything separate here. Great minds think alike. Did you get the coats? Was it gifted? Or did you buy it with your own hard-earned money? Oh, my God. Geez, you trying to make us cry right out of the gate? Passed down.

It's my dad's. He's the last thing he gave to me before he passed away in hospice. Don't not wear this coat to hyenas. All right, shit, man. I'm excited to jump right into this thing. You know, Adam, we do have a band on this show. Oh, it's my favorite thing in the world. We do.

Literally the greatest thing on any comedy show is this band. I agree. And, of course, we're so close to the border that for immigration reasons, for immigration purposes, Joel Jimenez could not make it tonight. He's with 300 of his best friends in a very small cage. Everything's fine.

Perfect. So no drums tonight. However, it just so happens to be that we do have the leader of the band, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. The best damn band in the land. Every single episode he commits to staying in and being a different character.

We never know what he's going to be at a separate farther in dressing room than we had tonight. So we're all going to find out together. Maybe it's the return of one of his most famous characters. Maybe it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. Plano, Texas, I present to you the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, the Kill Tony Band. Yeah, baby. Tonight.

I just figured out who it was, Tony. This is very exciting. Oh, my God. Wait a second. No way. Oh, my God. Wait a second. No way. Oh, my God. Finally. Oh, is this George W. Bush?

What? Yay. I love it. This is incredible. What a special treat. This is incredible. What a special treat. This is his first time. Oh, my God. This guy gets it.

Two staunch Republicans. That's a photo op right there. All right. You don't get to start chants around here. Sit your ass down, little fucking nerd. George W. Bush, how exciting is this? You're joining Kill Tony for the first time ever. Welcome to the show. It's good to be back home

in Texas. Oh my God. Now the jacket makes sense. He wore this jacket on the plane today. We all know it's like 100 degrees and horrible humidity. And everyone's like, what the fuck are you wearing this jacket for? And then we were trying to guess what it was.

I guessed Indiana Jones. You said the Rocketeer. Yeah. Great guess. And I said, don't worry about it. G-Dubs, I'm going to ask a little technical favor of you. Do you think we could bump that out to that edge and have the people go in front of you like that? Yeah.

Whatever you say. I'm not the president anymore. Wow. George W. Bush. This is exciting. You live very close to here. Is that correct? You could say that.

Oh. Yeah. You could say that. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. He's got a good sense of humor, this guy.

He really does. Especially for a massive serial killer. It's incredible. Wow. Wow. So, welcome, welcome, Georgia. Do you know the show at all? Have you ever seen an episode of Kill Tony?

Big fan. Big fan, yeah. Yeah? What was your favorite thing that's ever happened in the show at all? Have you ever seen an episode of Kill Tony? Big fan, big fan, yeah. Yeah, what was your favorite thing that's ever happened in the show's history? That one time Red Band farted. It was pretty funny. It's a deep cut. You have a real brilliant sense of humor on you, George W. Bush. I've been painting a lot lately.

Well, welcome, welcome. So we have the president of the United States, George W. Bush. We have the great Adam Ray, Red Band, Soundboard, which brings me to this, this big, dirty bucket, Plano Bucket of Destiny, everybody. Anything can happen.

I mean, this is absolute chaos tonight. I feel a crisp energy in the room. This reminds me of, like, the feeling tonight. I feel a crisp energy in the room. This reminds me of, like, the feeling in an arena before a big UFC event. It's just sort of extra quiet. The president's walking around for some reason. So you guys know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Oaklawn Bear. There's the goddamn Sharpie marker I was looking for. What's your favorite part of the show? I loved how you were killing time. That was hilarious. Yeah, I needed to fucking get my Sharpie marker.

You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? The stairs are right there, by the way. Don't come on this stage any other way. Oh yeah, and right there. So come on the stage either fucking way. Plano, I felt you there, but I really need a big burst of energy here.

You guys ready to start this fucking show? Alright. Then it shall begin your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds on this stage and then talking with us about his or her life maybe we find out more about them something we should fucking know that we didn't find out from their boring set ladies and gentlemen you're kicking off the show tonight. Put your fucking hands together for Elias Ashley. Here we go. Elias Ashley.

The one and the only. Hey, hey, hey. Here he is. Come on, one more time for Elias, everybody. Thank you. It's been a rough week. My mother-in-law saw me naked,

which is not as cool as all the videos I've seen on the Internet led me to believe. I thought I was at home alone. My wife and kids were gone. I just assumed her mom was with them. I go strutting up to the front door naked because I had to do something. Look over to the side. She's standing right there. And I was like, oh, shit.

Go running back towards my bedroom. And she says what she thinks will make me feel better. And she's like, don't worry. I didn't see anything. I was like, bitch, I worked all day. Like, it's been a long day for me. Like, let me fluff it up a little bit. Jesus.

Being judgmental is shit. It's not fun. I'm really bummed out that she saw me naked, too, because now I feel like she just judges my wife. Like, Jesus, really, that? It's the best you could get? I don't know. I'm not.

Go ahead. Oh, that's the end of it.? I don't know. I'm not. Go ahead. Oh, that's the end of it. I was killing time. There you go. Beautiful. Elias Ashley, everyone. Hell yeah. How are you, Elias?

I'm good. How are you? Good. Look at you. You're a scary motherfucker, huh? You look like you raped the prison guards. Only if they're asking for it Hell yeah Look at you, you fucking

Security at Quiznos Yeah I love the way your tits bounce when you laugh Oh yeah, me too That's actually what drew my wife to me It wasn't the downstairs package, it was the way my tits jiggle Wow, I love that She's sort of a lesbian

She's into guys that look. Yeah, she is a little bit. She's into guys that look like obese Fred Flintstone. Yep. Yep, she gets the up top, but still she's not going to hell because she's not gay. Wow, I like your style, Elias. I don't understand what you just said, but you said it with such swagger

that I feel like it went over my head. No, I try. I like this guy. He's a straight shooter. Thank you, sir. Elias, you born and raised here in Texas? No, I was born in Oklahoma. I moved around quite a bit.

I was in Oklahoma for six weeks. People are just booing their bordering states. Just outgoingly hateful of anyone not from their parts of the border. Some real fucking Texas shit right there. So you were born in Oklahoma. What are you, some type of Indian or something like that? What are we talking about?

Barely. Enough that if I claim it people get mad at me. I'm like 132nd. I'm just evil white. That's all I am. Jesus Christ. I work outside. I tan a lot. Yeah, what do you do outside? I'm an electrician. You're an

electrician? Yeah. Oh my god. Yikes. How did you get into that field? I came back from overseas and that was the job I got. What were you doing overseas? Just hanging out, you know. Just hanging out overseas. I was in

Iraq, but I don't want these people to clap just for that. Congratulations. Thank you, sir. Well, that plan backfired. Thank you for your service. Oh, thank you, sir. Elias, you're being too humble. We're trying to figure out shit about your life. And you're like, oh, I was just visiting overseas.

I was in the army. In Iraq. The lovely, I was at Sandals in Iraq. Just hanging out. I don't want these people to clap, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what I was doing there. Yeah. No, I was in Iraq for a year or so.

Came back, moved to Texas. Needed a job, so I started doing electrician. Heck yeah. You went from Iraq to a rack of ribs. Yeah. Yep. Nice. That deserved more. That was really funny. Yeah, I got out of the army four years ago and said, I don't have to work out anymore, so I'm fucking not.

And this is the body you get after that. Yeah, for sure. You look like you haven't Iran'd in a long time. Wow. You look like you haven't I-ran'd in a long time. Wow. Yep. Now, you said that the videos that you usually see with mother-in-laws in porn. So are you into porn? A little bit, not too much.

So also a lot would have been an acceptable answer. Yeah, I wasn't prepared to come up here because I was sitting in the back watching porn. For real? Is that really true? No, not for real. Well, you look like a guy that I would believe that sentence from, you know what I'm saying? So don't joke about that when it's probably real.

That's fair. Yeah. Heck yeah. You tell a lot of, like, little fibs. You're like little lies during this interview part. I like to keep people on their toes. You're like Bluffy instead of Fluffy. If only I could write a joke like him, right? on their toes. You're like Bluffy instead of Fluffy. If only I could write

a joke like him, right? I guess so. You're adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. All here in Dallas, Texas? Yep. First place I did was right out in the bar here. And I know you probably don't want to do this, but I'm going to go back to Iraq

here for a second. What exactly were you doing overseas? Yeah, what were you doing over there? I was looking for weapons of mass destruction, actually. Someone told me they were there. But no, I did security. Whoa.

You did security? Yeah, I did security for people way higher ranking than me, so I just walked around. It's like who? Anybody cool? Like Donald Rumsfeld or anything like that? Not like people like that. People you wouldn't know. Just people that were

slightly higher ranking than me. Wow. They're like, you're way more expendable than them, so... So you just did security, so you didn't have to do any of the fighting and stuff. You're just...

They're just sort of like... What do you think security is? No, security is all fighting. It's like, you take care of this, right? Yeah, like I was there to if someone got shot at, I shot back at them. Oh. Yeah. Not like...

That's how we do it in America. You shoot at us, we'll shoot right back at you. Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you saw over there? Is that a weird question to ask on episode, like, 376 of a podcast? Do you have PS3?

Or do you have PTSD? No, I don't. Where I was at was actually pretty calm when I was there. Craziest thing I saw was there was a restaurant we used to go eat at quite a bit. I bet. It actually got blown up and a lot of people died in there. It got what?

It got blown up? Yeah, blown up. Was that when you used the toilet? So stupid. Even I think that one was stupid. Is that one when you used the toilet? It was horrible. Low-hanging fruit jokes about a serious subject like an Iraqi restaurant.

What was the restaurant called? Abdullah Rest. Yeah, it sounds delicious. Ooh, delicious. Welcome to Abdullah Rest, the last place you'll ever eat. You should see their Yelp. It was just like, one star, I died

here. Oh, fuck. Try the Alfredo. The jalapeno poppers, fuck. Try the Alfredo. The jalapeno poppers, perhaps. Try the old sandwich. It literally has sand in it. Oh, because now sand's like a bad word.

Now it is. Oh, that's the first half of another word that I shouldn't know exists. I'm not gonna laugh even though it's a country made of sand, because I think of the N word because I live in Texas. That's what just happened there. I could tell what happened there, beat for beat.

You guys got weird because of the word sand. You thought I was going to say it for some reason. I would never do that. I can't say that word on the air. We'll see at the meet and greet after the show. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Did you ever sleep with the enemy, like a woman in Iraq or force

her to sleep with you? Heck yeah. You ever just unwrap her head and be like... You were just... You ever have one of those moments where she's doing like, doing pottery and you get behind her, like, in the movie Ghost

and just start fucking... No? I wish. There's no one that looks like Demi Moore over there. I wish. Well, not with that attitude. I'm gonna go watch that video after I get off. I don't know how we got on a ghost tangent there.

So no, no sexual relations over there. Is it hard to jerk off in the military? Good question. Yes. No. No? God, no. What do you think they do over there?

I don't know. You keep asking me what I think. I don't have to worry about that shit. You go out. You go out. You get shot at a few times. You come back. You jerk off like nine times.

Eat some cafeteria food and go to sleep. That's all you do. Once again, thank you for your service. Well, Elias, you've been doing it two and a half years. I love the joke. I think it can be even tighter and

funnier. Like when you said that she said the worst thing, she didn't see anything. Like, I'd hit it. I'd be even more real because you saw her, right? No, she wasn't naked. I was.

Right, right, right, right, right. But you saw her look at you, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, that's a part that I think should be in there. Like, she said she didn't see anything, and that sucks because I saw her look where she was looking. Okay. And she was supposed to see everything. You know what I mean? Like if you have it all set up just right, tell the truth.

Say it in different ways that make it even realer than sort of jokey. Right? Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, thank you. Okay. Yeah, if you see something, you see something, say something. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Because, because it should be that you're more insulted that she didn't see your dick. Yeah. And also, then you can still do

that other stuff, but then it's, then you're implying that you basically have no dick and people will love to hear that. And then it's like, if you feel like you lost out

on an opportunity to, you know, impress your mother-in-law, like, did you go out of your way to then, like, you know, impress your mother-in-law, like, did you go out of your way to then like maybe be naked in front of her again? Just to be like, here's a real dick, you know,

like, like show up at her house and be like, Oh, I'm sorry. I always, you know, get the mail book naked like this. Yeah.

With a boner. You know what I'm saying? Like maybe you were trying. She'll be back at the end of the month. So I will give it a shot. I'll try. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Try and take a very, it's funny if you felt in the shower, let it will give it a shot. That's what I'm saying. Try and take a very steamy shower and let it hang a little more. Another thing you could do is you could go to the one-stop shop for sexual wellness for men, forhims.com. You could get a consultation right over the phone

with a medical professional. I'm not sure I can pay full price, though. Is there any kind of promo code? It's funny you should mention it. Wow. You just got an extra minute. Wow. Of course there is.

Way to stick to the script. Just take some photos of it, send it to a real doctor, and use the promo code. Right. It's the promo code KILLTONY. You can save $5. Yeah, for $5,

they get you started for an entire month. Yeah, for $5. That's right. We'll get you started can save $5. Yeah, for $5, they get you started for an entire month. Yeah, for $5. That's right. We'll get you started for just $5 while supplies last. Prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website for full details and safety information. This could cost hundreds if you went to a person at the doctor's office or pharmacy.

Go to forhims.com slash kill. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. Forhims.com slash kill. And it'll cost you like over $10 just for one of those cheap boner pills at a gas station. And you don't even know what you're getting. Here you're getting a whole bottle. The ad was over 10 seconds ago, Brian. Oh, we're not doing an ad.

Yeah. That's called putting a little personal taste on it. I don't know if we're supposed to mention competitors like gas station pills, but you know what I mean. It's snake oil products. You know that big brand company, gas station pills. You know exactly what I'm talking about. They always sneak into our ad reads. How do they do that?

They're sneaking. Do you take anything? Do you still get hard as a rock? Barbara's gone. Oh. Of course, talking about the late, great Barbara Streisand. All right, Elias.

You were so much fun. It was nice to meet you. We're going to keep this thing moving along. How about a hand? Comedian, a veteran for the United States of America, Elias Ashley, everybody. Why do living things die? What would happen if they didn't?

Why do we memorialize our dead? Is death the end? Or a new beginning? Ask bigger questions with Death, Life's Greatest Mystery. Exhibition on now at ROM. Book tickets at ROM.ca. Damn, I thought only Bill Clinton could play the sax like that. Look at you.

I'm coming for your ass, Bill. All right. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Brendan Stoner. Brendan Stoner Oh boy, here we go Here he is everybody It's Brendan Stoner Hi This is the first time I've ever done this

What's up? This is the first time I've ever done this. What's that? Put the mic closer to my mouth. All right. I've got a horrible staring problem coupled with a drinking problem, which doesn't go too well together. I've gotten caught staring at, unfortunately, fat people at the bar. And I've gotten a lot of trouble for that. I asked this guy his weight the other night.

Which, yeah, I wasn't right. I asked 300. He's about 215. It really didn't go over too well. Just like this. Boy, I don't know how. Perfect. Thank God. There you go. Brendan Stoner. Wow. Really just coming in with a very special swagger of just fear and absolute

just a giant pussy way to go about your first time. The upfront disclaimer. The excuses throughout, the purposefully written punchline for if it went bad. They say save the best for second, and I think they're right.

Yeah. You tried. You tried. You got up here, you tried. I gave it my best shot. You took direction very well right out of the gate, you know? When you say you gave it your best shot,

what are we talking about? How long did you prepare for this? Probably 15 seconds before I got up here. 15 seconds before you got up here. I didn't think my name was going to get drawn, to be honest. But why didn't you think your name was going to get drawn? How old are you? I just turned 21.

21. Look at you. Someone's going to bitch slap you tonight. We need to turn you into a fucking man. Believe it or not, it's already happened. You lived with your parents for a long time, and then what? You went to college? No. You were raised by your grandmother?

No. Stop laughing, Brendan. I'm serious. I'm about to fucking fix you, dude. You look like you steal sleeping bags from fat kids Yeah I moved out recently

And then had to go right back in Because of a DUI At 21? At 21, yeah That's a record That's normal for Texas, right? That's usually middle school shit Not from Texas

Where are you from? Oklahoma City Oh, you're about to get booed, dude. You're about to get booed. That's some real hate. Oh, my God. They just killed a young, innocent Indian woman in the back because of you. They slit her throat because of you, Brendan.

Okay, so let's talk. I think when I say this next thing, I collectively speak for the people. Suck our dicks. Yeah. My goodness. Yet another very Bill Clinton maneuver by George W. Bush. I think I rented Bill Clinton maneuver once. So what is you drinking so heavily at 21?

Let's talk about your life. What does your dad do? He's tougher than you or he's not in the picture? What's the deal? Where's your real dad at, dude? My dad is back in Oklahoma City judging all of my decisions. What does he do for a living? We share that in common.

He owns a company that sells wide format printing equipment. Printing equipment? So what makes this guy so fucking special? Is he rich? Good question. Very rich? He does well for himself. What makes this guy so fucking special? Is he rich? Very rich? He does well for himself. What does that mean, dude?

He does well for himself. What Willy Wonka chocolate factory were you built in exactly? He does very well for himself. That's all I can say. I'm going to go get wasted now. I'm trying to figure out what you're drinking away. What is your situation here? Do you have your heart broken? Do what? Did you have your heart broken by someone? No, I never have yet. Yeah? Did your mom ever put a finger in your butthole? For medical purposes.

I don't. Medical purposes? Oh, now that you mention it, yeah. Okay, but I'm trying to get something out of you here, Brendan. Yeah. You ever seen an interview before? No, this that you mention it, yeah. Okay. But I'm trying to get something out of you here, Brendan. You ever seen an interview before? No, this is my first one. It's your first time you've ever seen an interview right now? God damn, dude. What serious brain trauma? Was there a scooter accident when you were a child or something? Did you fall out of a hammock when you were 12? I think younger. I'm talking soft skull, like stroller accident.

You remember your mom was letting go of the stroller. Oh no, Brandon! And then you just see tree branches flying. This probably isn't going to end well. Fetal alcohol syndrome, maybe? Maybe a boardwalk rollerblade collision? Actually, that's a good question.

Your mom a drinker? She sure is. Wow. There we go. There we go. Very good. Mom's a drinker, but dad not that much? He is too.

You have brothers and sisters? I do. Older? I've got all around the board. All around the board. You're the middle child? Yes, sir. Two and two on each side? About that, yes sir.

I've got stepbrothers, half-siblings. They're drinkers. They're drinkers, okay. You remember your first drink? Yes. President Bush. Yeah, my first beer was a Bush Light.

Congratulations, Bush Light. Congratulations, Bush Light. That's so stupid. Easy. Got him. I was wondering what you were going to do with that. I'm like, here we go, Bush. Just repeated it. It's a great company.

No joke. All right, so you remember your first beer. You ever been with a woman before? Yes. What have you done with a woman? I've done just about everything. Show us

on this Waldo boy what you've done before to a woman. Hilarious. Here we go. Get on your knees. Get on your knees and face that way. what you've done before to a woman. Hilarious. Dude. Is anyone concerned how... He said, get on your knees and face that way. All right. I think he's going to place them under arrest, everybody. The peers as though...

Are you going to show us what you did? A whole lot of ass eating? You have to show us, dude. I don't believe it until I see it. All right. Wait, wait. This guy wants it, dude. Wait, wait, wait.

I want to hear what was the... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Here we are. Live in Plano, Texas. Step right up to kill Tony. Watch another man eat another man's ass

right behind this curtain. I understand it's very Wednesday of Plano to watch a public rape, but I do want to know some of the questions that you asked said gal. You asked a lot, yeah? No, no, no. I told him a lot of things.

Oh, him? Him. You ate a lot. Oh, wait. All right. We're skipping stages of things. Oh, him? Him. You ate a lot. Oh, wait. Alright, we're skipping stages of life. I thought we were talking about my friend here. No, we're talking about the gal. Spoken like a true

Oklahoma City queer. George W. Bush knows how to fucking campaign. I ask permission. His approval ratings are higher than ever right now. 90%. All right.

So we're talking about this girl or guy. What are you into? You could be honest with us here. A little bit of both. All right. There you go. Okay. Very good.

Yes. Bill Cosby has nothing to do with that. You know little bit of both. All right. Nice. There you go. Okay, very good. Yes, Bill Cosby has nothing to do with that. You know what they say. Never a bisexual. You know what they say. It's better to have love and loss than to visit a lost and found. All right. So when did you realize you might be into guys a bit as well? Were you young?

After I started watching this podcast. It was this podcast? Yes, sir. Whoa. What exactly do you mean by that? I can't tell whether that's weird or the funniest thing you've said accidentally. Oh, man. All your jokes you laughed at, that one you said with a serious face.

That's when I started watching. I thought you would never ask. It's you, Tony. You're the reason I knew I was sort of gay. He's biting his bottom lip. So seriously, though. Is that true? No, that was not true.

What is true out of everything? I like females. Okay. You like females. I don't know. I think this guy's into WMDs, white male dicks. George W., you are out of control over there tonight. I love a good presidential acronym.

Wait, what do you do for fun? I don't do a lot for fun. I like to play golf. Golf. I like to fish. Fish. Okay, so activities. Golf. I like to fish. Fish. Okay, so activities. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I like to eat ass, yeah. Is that true? Wait, wait. All right. In that order? No, no. In a different order.

When's the last time you ate a girl's ass? Two nights ago. Two nights ago. Who was this girl? That's very recent. That's my girlfriend. You have a girlfriend? Yes, sir.

What does she do? She works as a medical scribe. A medical scribe. All she does is take notes for a girlfriend? Yes, sir. What does she do? She works as a medical scribe. A medical scribe? So all she does is take notes for a doctor. Oh, wow. So she's just waiting to punch out and get her ass eaten. Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. You ever notice her ass tastes a little saltier when she gets home from working with the doctor? Yeah, what's up with that? What's up with that? I think you found a new premise. What's up with them salty buttholes? What's up with them salty plain old buttholes? You feel me?

Alright, that's my time So that's wild, man Your DUI, that was just from getting pulled over by the police? Yes, sir They just randomly caught you? Were you swerving? No, no, I was swerving. Yeah.

Crazy off the road. Did you ever see the video of your arrest? No, I didn't. Yeah. What was the part where you knew you were fucked immediately? Yeah, it was pretty, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus.

There must have been, like, was there a moment? Did they give you the tests or anything like that? Yeah, they gave me the tests. Yeah, was there something moment, did they give you the tests or anything like that? Yeah, they gave me the tests. Yeah, was there something you did that was horrible during the tests? Didn't hold my foot out. You didn't hold your foot out. I feel like you couldn't do that sober. Try that.

I want to see you do it. I'm not sober right now, but I'll try it. Wow, you really do have a drinking problem. Also, you're built very strangely. Are you having a random conversation? drinking problem. Also, you're built very strangely. Stop. Are you having a random conversation with these... Who gives a fuck what he's saying? You recognize him from the cast of Kill Tony, you

fucking idiot? Goddamn Oklahoma Mr. Bean, just like whoop, whoop. It's fucking doofus. If you do stand up again, you're going to have hecklers and people talk and you either have to decide to go all in and just ruin the whole show and talk.

He's never doing it again. I'm never letting you do it again. How many people think Brandon Stoner should retire here tonight? That's the rare instant retirement, dude. I do want to say, I feel like when you first... Shut up. When you first took the mic, when you first took the mic, I definitely was engaged.

You had a pace and it felt like you had something to say. You were taking your time. You didn't seem nervous. And I was kind of sitting on the edge of my seat being like, all right, there's really a rhythm to this. And then it just went absolutely nowhere. Yeah. And then we just went absolutely nowhere.

And then we got cut off. We went from edge of our seats to the edge of the top of a building real quick. It seemed like you almost planned your last line where you were like, and there it is. There's my time. It's almost like you didn't have a punchline. You knew your punchline was going to be, let me call attention to I ran out. If you ever do it again, you just

have to fucking try. You can't do any of that pussy bullshit. You lost my interest in media when you're like, this may not go good. This is my first time. It's like you're trying to take all this air out of it and then you didn't have dog shit. Then we had to talk with you about your fucking drinking. You didn't give us a real root

problem. You never said that your dad fucking you once saw your dad, you know, fist your mother's asshole and that's why you have to drink a lot and eat ass a lot, because it's like this thing from when you were a child. Like, I wanted to find out something real about you, and we just found out all this surface shit

about your medical scribe girlfriend, this dirty whore that just takes notes and get her ass eaten all the time. Just this sloppy human being. Think about that weird life of just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And she gets home and just fucking,

ah! Just your face. Just your never-ending, tireless, lipless face. You have no lips. You know that? Have you ever looked at your lips and been like,

I don't have them? I never have. Very rarely do I ever take note of the lack of a man's lips, but you got nothing there. It's like a blow-up doll or something like that. It's like an open hole.

How do you eat a butt with no lips? And I know I've said that twice today, but for a third time, how do you do it? It is incredible. The butt must be like, hey, another butt's coming to eat me right now. It just looks like another butthole because you don't have lips. But imagine if you were back there and you said you didn't know that your name was going to get called or you were planning on it not being.

But imagine if you had actually prepped for that and actually been like, oh, I hope it gets called instead of I hope it doesn't. Yeah, no. If I sat down and wrote a minute, it would be fucking dog shit. Yeah, probably because you've never done it before. But if you've got no gauge for it, you can only go up from there. So fucking try. You have no confidence, too.

You know what you need to do? You need to take a break from eating ass and start using your dick on things. You need to start swinging around that cock. Use it to your advantage. Stop eating ass like a quadriplegic guy alright oh give me more ass like you have the rest

of your be a man do some god damn sit ups you're shaped like a 21 year old Homer Simpson it's fucking ridiculous you're all pot belly get out of here we spent way too much time with you Brendan Stoner if it's your first time by the way we're gonna fucking Get out of here. We spent way too much time with you. Brendan Stoner.

If it's your first time, by the way, we're going to find out about that in the interview part. Don't give some pussy-ass fucking disclaimer. That was some Milwaukee shit right there. Yeah. Yeah. By the way. I said it. That was some Milwaukee shit.

That's my new bad word. When I don't like something, I call it Milwaukee. You're not from Milwaukee, are you? No, not at all. Seattle. Yeah, baby. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your fucking hands together for Kyle Owsley, everybody.

Oh, boy. That is a loud, copyrighted song right there. Just guns ablaze. One of the most famous songs out there. One more time for Kyle, everybody. What's up? So I really like scary movies,

but why are only houses built on top of Indian burial grounds? Like, why not a Kmart or a Costco? I mean, like, you walk into Walgreens, you see a Native American ghost just standing there staring at vaccines and shit. This shit really makes me nervous. This shit really makes me nervous. I'm trying. Jesus Christ. This shit really makes me nervous I'm trying, Jesus Christ

This shit really makes me nervous here Like I never know I can't shut my fucking brain off, man I start thinking about weird shit Like everybody in here has probably done Like doggy and shit before Everybody look around Alright, y'all handle that shit now

I have a problem with porn God damn it but shit, no. I have a problem with porn. God damn it. I have a problem with porn. You see a video titled Ashley Tries Anal for the First Time? No, I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you right there. You know, normally I can't stand it When there's people that are so stupid

In the audience that Can't even literally handle Watching a comedy show without Giving their opinion on things But I'm gonna compliment one I don't know exactly which one it is But there must be literally I can't imagine at least 80% retarded woman

Somewhere in that section over there that literally every joke is just, what? No. Keep going. Lady, you're not a part of this thing. And I like it when the tension builds in a room. We don't need you just fucking squeaking out little brain farts over there. Lady, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shut up. Don't need you just fucking squeaking out little brain farts over there. Lady.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Shut up. During my presidency, we instated an act called the No Child Left Behind Act. But that lady is a retard. Leave her behind. Yeah. You just got to stay quiet for the rest of the show. You can laugh or not laugh, but you can't say actual words.

There you go. Starting now. Can I say something? No. And then there's you. The second person in a row to come up here and just be completely reactive to heckling. I really hope I got picked, too.

Everything is disproportionate about your body. You have gigantic, massive forearms and a tiny head. Has anyone told you this? You have like orangutan body. They have, yeah. Really? Yeah.

I think I tried to win you in a claw machine once. Yeah. This is like, here I am. It's true. Yeah, you look like a cross between an orangutan and my least favorite cast member of the entourage. This is what Texas looks like. This is what Texas looks like.

Not all of Texas looks like it. Shut the fuck up. No, sir. This is what Texas looks like. Hey! George W. Bush. Wow. That is incredible. So Kyle, let's talk about it.

It's your first time doing stand-up comedy, right? Yeah. Okay, how old are you? 30. 30 years old. There's the goat of the first time. Congratulations to you. What do you do for work?

Construction. Yeah? What do you build? Stuff. Houses. Shit. Forearms. Yeah, forearms.

Wow. So you've been building houses since you were a kid? Yeah. You work for your dad's company? No. Your stepdad's company? Nope. Your friend's stepdad's company?

It's like uncle-in-law's company It's like Uncle-in-law's company What? Uncle-in-law's company That's crazy Come on Who is that? You got it I'm on now

That's pretty good But to be fair That's how I met her So I mean That's how everybody Gets their jobs in Texas That's how Got quiet in here

Because everybody's like Huh? Oh What? That's right I gotta call my boss uncle-in-law here in a minute. Let him know I'm not coming in tomorrow.

Alright. So that's fun. So you build shit. What is other stuff about you that we would find interesting? You've seen how a lot of the other interviews have gone so far this episode. Help us. I actually tried to stand up before one other time. It actually went a lot better. But it was like in prison. You were in prison?

Yeah. Very good. Heck yeah. You look like you got in trouble for molesting yourself as a kid. What were you in prison for? A friend of mine actually stole from the DEA and brought it to my house.

I helped him get rid of it. Wait, wait, wait. A friend stole what? Like a computer and a gun and shit from a DEA agent. What? A computer and a gun. I like a DEA agent. What? A computer and a gun. I like how gun is mentioned second in that.

A DEA agent's gun. What was on the computer? Or was it just a cool computer? It was like a tough book. This was like in 2009. It was like one of those tough books. Uh-huh. And yeah, he brought it over.

I freaked out. Did he know it was a DEA agent? Yeah, like whenever you open up the screen, it says DEA investigator on it. Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God. Man, I got to make that the background on my laptop. That's a great idea. Where was your uncle-in-law during all this?

No, this was before all that. All right, you don't have to be a dick about it. Wait, so did you go to prison? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told him, I was like, man, if they come, you got to take the charge. And they came, and he didn to take the charge. Yep. And they came, and he didn't take the charge.

Wow. Has he been walking free? So the moral lesson is snitch. Be sure to snitch. Wow. So you didn't snitch. No, I didn't snitch, and I got prison. He didn't.

How long were you in prison? Three years. Three years. Fuck. My goodness. For a computer? Well, and a gun. The DEA agent's gun.

I don't see the problem with the gun. You didn't think maybe I should snitch? No, man. He seemed honest. He said he was going to take the charge. Right, so then what happened? When you got out, did you contact him? Like, hey, motherfucker,

what's up? Retaliation. I already got more prison. So you don't really want to. Oh, my God. He owes you like a Netflix password or something, you know? Yeah. So, wow.

What happened in prison? Anything crazy? George W.? Yeah. Has anybody ever told you you look like a stretched out Buzz Lightyear action figure? What's the first one? Yeah, I anybody ever told you you look like a stretched out Buzz Lightyear action figure? It's the first time.

Yeah, I love Toy Story. He does. Crazy? Yeah, go ahead. One time a guy fell off a bunk. He was having a seizure. And then no one else would help him. They were just watching him.

And I tried to help him. And the cops came in and thought someone knocked him out. And they're like, who did this? I was like, fucking Gravity? I don't know. He was all bleeding and shit. Yeah, and they're like, Gravity did this? I was like, fucking Gravity? I don't know. He was all bleeding and shit. Yeah. And they're like, Gravity, what cell is he in?

Where'd he go? Good old Gravity Jenkins. Oh, no. Dude, how did you pass the time in prison? Three years is a, that's not a short duration. No. It's almost a full term. Draw. That it is, a short duration. No. It's almost a full term. Draw.

That it is, George. That it is. You dumb fuck. A lot of forearm workouts. A lot of forearm. Sure, sure, sure. But what did you actually do to practice? Draw.

Draw? Draw, watch TV. What would you draw? I paint. What do you draw? This is boring as shit. Charcoal. Charcoal drawings of people. Like people's families and shit.

I thought you meant you would draw charcoal. Like for a fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, wow. Charcoal. And you would draw people with the charcoal? Right. And their faces? Right. So it'd be black? Like realism? So it'd be like blackface? Yeah, yeah. So you've done

blackface? Yeah. So you've done blackface? Yeah, prison. That's incredible. It's not blackface if it's charcoal. My art teacher told me that. All right. All right, Kyle. Well, I mean, anything else interesting that we should know about you other than the fact that you went to prison? No, not really, man.

What's your love life like now? Can you come if you don't drop the soap? It's all right. I'm really good at holding on to shit now. Just a couple weeks. What does that mean? I was just joking. I don't get your jokes.

I only really go off of truth during the interview part. It's still mind-boggling that not everybody gets this part yet. People are like, because I live with my forearms, Tony. How do you like your women? Bush or no Bush? Hey. Well, Kyle, congratulations

on your first time ever doing stand-up. Good job, dude. You guys got to focus, man. This ain't fucking... This is goddamn eight-mile shit up here You need to lose yourself In the moment

You better never let it go Shut up These people These people don't fucking listen It's incredible Will you play that riff again George I envision this being played

as he drew charcoal blackface in prison very good Mr. President thank you so much I pulled another name out of the bucket put your hands together for what appears to be Jesse Jonas everyone Jessel Jesse Jonas here we are

nope that's a person with drinks Jessel Jones Jesse Jonas. Here we are. Nope. That's a person with drinks. Jessel Jones, Jesse Jones, double J. Jonas? Giannis? Jonas? Jesse? Or Jessel? Or Gessel? Gonas? Is that you? Is that your name, Jessel Jonas? Is it Jessel Jonas? Jesse Jonas? Two J's? That's got to be you, right? Jessica Jonas. Yep. Jessica Jones.

Oh, yep. I could see how that could be Jessica Jones. Okay. Woo! Come on, one more time for Jessica, everybody. Come on, one more time for Jessica, everybody. All right, so I've never done this before. And my name is Jessica Jones, but I'm not a superhero. My only superpower is cleaning my house 10 minutes before someone's about to arrive. I don't know.

That was kind of all I had. I was dragged here by my husband. It was beautiful. It reminded me of our wedding day. I really only came because he's a fangirl. I was like, okay, fine, I'll sign up too. Oh, God. I know. I feel like there's a lot more people here

that should be roasted than me. Yes, let's bring him up. Nope, nope, nope, nope. I mean, just unbelievable. Have you ever seen this show before? Have you ever seen this show before? Have you ever seen this show before? What? Unwillingly It's fine

Guys God damn it Go ahead Mr. President Can I just say I've seen a lot of bad things in my time? And that was the worst. All right. And 9-11 was under my watch.

It was. It's incredible. Unwillingly. So he signed up, and you're like, I'll sign up too because I'm a moron, right? Because you're just like, ah, he'd write his name on paper. I should have known when literally you can't even write your own goddamn name correctly. Your handwriting

is adorable though. I'll tell you this. You're a sweet little thing. I don't think you had any idea what you were signing up for. I do not want to break your soul here. No, I will not do that. What an animal. No. Waldo's

trying to get a break-it chain, you piece of shit. Pure evil. Don't you got a birthday party to be hiding out at? She said she didn't have any real superpowers, but clearly her superpowers is really cold nipples. It is. She's wearing a bikini as a bra.

Leave her alone. You're a sweet little thing, Jessica. We're not going to roast you or your comedy. Jericho Jobes. It's really incredible. Jericho, you got a future. Your future's bright. What do you do for a living, Jessica?

Yeah, Jericho, what do you do? Wow, thank you, Mr. President. A little bit less on that mic, pal. Let's just fucking take a breath for a hot... Inhale with that nose ears, okay? Just take a breath. Let's talk to Jessica for a second. All right.

Just for a second, Mr. President. Yeah, not a problem. You got it, pal. Thank you. Thank you so much. Absolutely, amigo. I've got your back at all times. Thank you, Mr. President. Texas in the house. Very good. You still got it. Very good. Very good. Wow.

I love it when my friends pile on while I'm already in a fucking shit storm just to pander and say Texas again. Very good, Mr. President. What were you saying, Jericho? All right, yes. We get it, Jeremiah. You're such a rebel.

So, Jessica, stick with me here for a fucking second. When I ask you a question, I need you to answer it into the tip of the microphone because this is what you signed up for with your big fucking brain, okay? Got it. You signed up for this. All right, I'm ready. So maybe when you do things from now on, you're like, maybe I should sign up for with your big fucking brain. Okay? Got it. You signed up for this. So maybe when you do things from now on, you're like, maybe I should

sign up for this fucking, you know, this fucking bungee jumping or whatever the fuck it might be. You really think about what the fuck it is that you're signing up for. No. So what do you do for work? I am a manager at a retail store

and I'm a mom. Okay. I'm re-reminded why I'm not going to steal your soul. I'm going to let you go. There she goes. Jessica Jones, everybody. There she goes. So annoying.

Yes, Mr. President, go. Can I just say you're coming off like a real Dick Cheney right now? I am. You're damn right I am. And just like your presidency, I'm the one actually running this shit. So, at the end of the day,

you get to sit there and play silly little figurehead because that's the position that I put you in, just like Dick fucking Cheney. Who's a little bitch now, Texas boy? And I love this country too. Dick Ch I love this country, too. Dick Cheney's from Texas, too.

Piece of shit. He's definitely not. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Thomas Siska, everyone. Let's see what happens here. Guys, I live in Austin, Texas, but I'm not originally from Austin. I learned very quickly that the city has its own look and vibe.

A lot of guys have that same look, you know, same hairstyle, same frames, and same flannel shirt, same undeniable look that says, I want to watch you fuck my wife. This guy knows what I'm talking about. I just watched the R. Kelly documentary. Come to find out how much I have in common with R. Kelly when it comes to rules for our girlfriend. Call me daddy. That's a rule? No, that's a given. Just the other day, my girlfriend came whipping around the corner in her vehicle, and I'm like,

yo, watch how you're driving. She's like, you're going to tell me how to drive now, too? I'm like, that's right. You better be careful. You're lucky. You're lucky I don't give you more rules because I'm a cool dad. I don't think we should deplatform R. Kelly because I feel like it's erasing history. Pretty soon, we're not going to have any baby-making music left. We're just going to be all

listening to Kenny G, jerking off into test tubes, and that's how it's going to get done in the future, folks. Fuck yeah, Thomas Siska. I loved it. Thank you. I'll tell you why I loved it. Alright? You came out like a gentleman. You did your goddamn jokes right down the

fucking barrel. You didn't let anything throw you off track. You just stood up there and you sucked the old-fashioned way. Thank you. You did it by trying and failing, not trying and bailing. It felt honorable. Better to fail than to bail. I just wrote that

right there. That's a good policy for this show. Yeah, you committed. And you gave us some true perspectives. You really think the future is headed towards... What did you say again at the end? We're not going to have any baby-making music left. R. Kelly's going to get erased off of Spotify and all the

different streaming services. I don't get it this time either. So then we're going to be left just listening to Kenny G. Yeah. Alright. No one's going to get laid. Sure. I think it went over better the first time. Yeah. Yeah, when it got nothing the first time yeah yeah when it got nothing the first time there you go uh so uh thomas tell us about you tell us a bunch of interesting fucking shit right from the honest part of your fucking heart right now go ahead

all right i live in austin texas we know that part already came up here today i play bass guitar okay i play guitar play guitar, skateboard, do artwork. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work at a Mexican restaurant in Austin. What do you do at the Mexican restaurant in Austin? Serve tables. Really?

Yes. Huh. Is that how they do that? It's like a reverse thing? Yes. They get white people to work in their restaurants. We get Mexicans to work in ours. Yes.

Okay. Absolutely. Do you spend your money that you make every night drinking with all the other waiters and bartenders of your restaurant, like every other waiter in the whole entire road? Wow. Honestly, I just started there, so I've been dead broke. So all my coworkers have been kind of giving me drinks. Why are you so dead broke?

Where's all your money going? I went to Vegas a month ago for the first time ever in my life and had a little too much fun. How much money did you lose in Vegas? Just tell the truth. Just a couple hundred. Just a couple hundred, but that's all that you had to your name. Pretty much, exactly. What did you lose it on? Blackjack? Blackjack.

Five dollar tables? Ten dollars. Ooh, yeah. Look at you. That's a way to go from 200 to zero in 20 fucking minutes. That's incredible. Wow. So you just lost all your money, and then what? Well, I went to a comedy show out there,

went and saw Dave Attell and Jeffrey Ross with my girlfriend and her mother. So it was an interesting dynamic. Heck yeah. Did the mother see you naked at one point? I was worried about that. I think you should write a joke about it. So, wow, the mom was there. Are you guys all from Austin, Texas?

Well, my girlfriend's originally from Houston. That's where her mom lives. But we both live in Austin, me and my girlfriend. And then what? The mom met you in Vegas? Yes. We got there a little before her. Hit up the dispensary before she got there.

Oh, yeah. You know, did it right. Yeah. And does the mom know you guys smoke pot? I think she had a good idea once she saw how red her eyes were. How long have you been with this girl? About four years. Four years.

Yeah. Interesting. What does she do? She currently is driving for Uber. Nice. My goodness. Does she know you dress like a camp counselor? Yes.

She's my counselor. Yeah. I like it. You said you play two instruments. So are you trying to or are in a band currently? I am not currently in a band, but I kind of dabble, just kind of record things and experiment. With the idea of maybe one day finding a group to join, yeah? I play with a couple of people, but I just don't have a consistent drummer, basically.

What would be something that we'd be surprised to know about you? I asked you the things that you like to do, and you started rattling off from what you thought was the coolest thing to the least cool thing. You said bass guitar, regular guitar, skateboard. He started listing all the things that happened at the camp that he works at. I currently am in a contest on InfoWars.com and I may possibly win $5,000. I'm in the final six people.

There you go. Very exciting. That's great. Hopefully they'll announce the winner either tomorrow or the next day. What's the contest? What is it? It was a free speech poster

challenge where you could actually create your own poster if you wanted to and post it somewhere publicly and it had to have the InfoWars logo on it. Everybody else that entered the contest did not create their own poster. I created my own and it was a polar bear warming his hands over

the campfire and he's like this adorable polar bear cub winking, and it says, Al Gore lied, I'm freezing my ass off. And it's like very... Now this guy's got some good stuff. It's very illustrated. So I went to a place in Austin and filmed this, and it was called Tyson's Tacos.

I don't know if anyone's ever been there, but you can actually play a song and get a free taco. There's no limit to how many tacos you can get. The only limit is how many songs you play. And they had a ukulele there. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm telling you, the most interesting thing I got going on right now.

So do you really believe that? Do you think global warming is fake? I believe that Al Gore lied that the polar bears aren't dying from the ice caps melting. Thank you. And there's no facts to back Al Gore up on that. Really? Is that true?

Polar bear numbers are way up. So you're saying that you do believe... They're all right. They're freezing. Are you running for office? Yes. So you're saying that you do agree with the fact that global warming exists, but you don't agree with the polar bear numbers exactly, just that. I believe in climate change, just not global warming.

I think we're probably headed to an ice age, a mini ice age. Hopefully that movie fucking rules. I think we probably should be burning more fossil fuels to prevent the ice age from coming. Do you think the Earth is flat? I think we probably should be burning more fossil fuels to prevent the ice age from coming. Wow. Do you think the Earth is flat? No. Fuck no. Do you have any other wacky conspiracy theories that we'd want to know about?

I think in... Are you the reason why there is an Amber Alert going on right now? Yeah, is it? What the fuck? Is there an Amber Alert? I feel like this is somebody's way of getting out of trouble. I think somebody finally found Waldo. Yeah.

Wait. How is an Amber Alert going off if Red Band is here? That's why we have a curtain on the table, my friend. By the way, I'm drinking Ozarka water made in Texas. Getting back to what you asked me, though, I think one of the most wild conspiracy theories that I believe in is that in Antarctica, there's actually pyramids under the ice. Yeah, that's probably true. The caps had moved at one point, and there was an ancient civilization there that has technology underneath the ice.

A lot of our governments know about it. And actually, there is places you can go under the ice. I'm going to stop you there, Thomas. It's okay. I'm going to stop you there. Leave something for the YouTube. Are you teaching this course at Camp Who Gives a Fuck? Yes.

All right, Thomas. I'm going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Thomas Siska, everybody. Good job, dude. It's another first timer. I wish that you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Do you believe in any conspiracies?

Like, is there anything that you're like, no, I believe in that for sure. That normal people don't. I don't know. I guess it depends. I mean, no, I definitely don't think JFK was shot by one guy in a goddamn book depository, reloading a gun, just shooting off chunks of the president's head from 600 yards away. There was definitely another person in the front

and to the right, shootings that is back into the light. Do you, Adam, do you believe any conspiracies? Yeah, I think Michelle Tanner on Full House was played by one person. Hey, I like that. Not two, not two. That's bullshit.

She's a clone. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for John Brown, everyone. John Brown. Ha ha. John Brown. Here we go.

Live on Kill Tony. Here he is. Hey, so I was texting my mom the other day. I had to go to the hospital in her minivan, right? When I left the hospital, I got into a car accident. And I called her. She didn't answer the phone. So I was like, well, I'll just text her instead.

So I texted her. And I said, hey, I just want to let you know, I just left the hospital. I got into a fender bender. But no shit, my phone auto- phone auto corrected it to gender bender so she got just left the hospital got into a gender bender please don't be mad at me she didn't text back for a long time she finally texted me back she's like I just want you to know I support you either way I was like mom what are you talking about?

I have insurance. She goes, do they cover that? I was like, yeah, I guess so. It probably depends on how much body work needs to be done. Wow, look at that. Wow. Look at that. Wow. She goes, are you sure?

I was like, mom, I think I've been rear-ended enough times to know how this shit works. Wow. Holy shit. I did not see that coming. That was fucking amazing. As soon as I readjusted my expectations to Plano levels, all of a sudden a comedian comes out of the woodwork here. I did not see that coming. Wow. I did not see that coming, did you?

No, no. You look like a guy that goes to Little League games and yells in the stands drunk at the kids for not hustling enough. He literally looks like Randy. He looks like the guy that owns this place. You really do. Randy. Where's Randy at?

Is he here? Can we cut to Randy? Yeah. Can we get a quick cut scene to Randy on camera two? He's not going to come out here. Get Randy out here. I'm going to do a side-by-side with this fucking guy. Oh, my dear Randy.

Make sure they're not the... Do you know Randy? Here he is. Here he comes. Randy, come up here real quick. Give it side-by-side with this fucking guy. Do you know Randy? Here he comes. Give it up for the owner of Hyenas, Randy! It's Randy, his brother. This is a fucking... Look at these two. Father and son.

Randy, this guy's great. Do you see him? Heck yeah. You guys know each other? Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Oh, fucking awesome, man. It really shows. Yeah. Thank you. Good God. Thank you, Jesus. Good delivery. Fucking great. I love

it, man. So five years, all of it here in Dallas? Most of it. I went to Denver for about eight months. I lived in my van there. Boo! That's another place! I came back. That's where I met Will Montgomery I love it

It was in Denver Oh that's so cool What did you and William do? He did a lot of acid Yeah Yeah We were at an open mic

One time And he walks by And he like Sticks his tongue out And there was Some acid on it And then I started Looking at my watch

And like 30 minutes Went by And I was like Oh shit And then he went on stage And like It's like it hit him while he was on stage. He was just looking around at shit all funny.

He's great. He's amazing. He is a really cool guy. Did you guys hang out afterwards or anything? We did. I drove him home a few times, and you know what? He talks about Jesus sometimes. I don't know if he's serious.

No. No, he did the same shit to me on Easter. Me and my girl, he's like, you have to go to church. I'm like, he's fucking with us. He plays that weird fucking country song all the time. I'm like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah. That's all he does is fucks with people.

It's amazing. It's my favorite thing. How about you? So how do you make money? Well, I do this, and I also work in maintenance for my dad's construction company. No, I'm just kidding. No, I work for a hotel. I work in maintenance.

Yeah? Is it a fun hotel? Yeah. No one gives a shit. Cars get broken into every night. I'm just kidding. No, I work for a hotel. I work in maintenance. Yeah? Is it a fun hotel? Yeah, no one gives a shit. Cars get broken into every night. I got robbed. So they're not even looking at me. It's pretty cool. My job's really easy. Anyone ever wreck one of the hotel rooms?

Yeah, but it was an employee. An employee did it? Yeah. My goodness, you laughed so hard about that. Well, yeah, it's funny to me, but they won't care. Yeah, what did they do? They just went rock and roll style one night? No, it's like somebody's stuff just got locked in there,

and instead of calling somebody to unlock it the right way, they just busted into it and broke the door, all this shit. Might have been drugs and shit. Yeah, probably inside. Interesting. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or maintenance? I do just spent drugs and shit. Yeah. Probably inside. Interesting. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or maintenance?

I do just a lot of stand-up. I don't really do a whole lot else to be honest. There must be something. You look like you shoot a bow and arrow. You shoot a Hoyt.

I have done that and just recently. Like three weeks ago. Really? My buddy taught me how to shoot a bow. Get the fuck out of here. Three weeks ago.

Look at that. I don't know. I don't really shoot a lot of weapons. Is that fresh air? I don't know. I did this course for like Look at that. I don't know. I don't really shoot a lot of weapons. Is that fresh air? I don't know. I did this course for like a thousand yards. I don't know. It's fucking boring. But I was like

the guy they made fun of because I was in the Air Force and shit. Hey, yo. Air Force? You were in the Air Force. Don't forget. You were in the Air Force too? I was a fighter pilot. I'm aware. Sorry. I just got lost in my own thoughts. Hey. That makes two of us. So what were you in the Air Force?

I was a crew chief on the B-52. I was a fighter pilot. Yeah. 27, Convention of Weapons. What does a crew chief do on a B-52? They do, like, the most of the basic maintenance. You know, there's a guy that like waves the plane in and like you park the jet

and then if something actually gets wrong with it, you just call someone else to fix it. Do people that work on B-52s ever listen to the B-52s? Say again, what?

Well, the Love Shack Baby. And Riff. Yes, yes. Great question. That one, yeah. Well, the Love Shack. That's actually like how I found out that was the B-52s that sang that song. Wait, what?

That's how I found out about that. Oh. I don't know. Again, I don't know what anybody's saying here tonight. Me neither. He said that's how he found out about it because he was a B-52. He probably YouTube B-52 and then found out it was indeed a band. Oh, my God.

Sometimes I gotta translate for my pilot friends. Anything else fun and interesting that we should know about you, John? Anything crazy about your life? Or the way you were raised or anything like that? No, I grew up in the country in South Carolina, next to a

hog farm and that kind of shit. What are we talking about, like Louisville? More like Crum. More like Crum. More like Crum. Talking about fucking Harry Hines. I know. It's a lot different kind of Harry Hines, you know? You look like you used to sell cigarettes

to dads at bar mitzvahs. Like you looked like a seasoned soul. You know what I'm saying? Like you've seen some shit. What was the dream as a kid? This is actually what I wanted to do. As a kid? As a kid, yeah.

Wow. Look at you now. You just killed here tonight. Thank you. Congratulations. Doing it. Living it. There he goes.

He's on social media at HaHaJohnBrown. Yes, sir, I am. HaHaJohnBrown. JohnBrown. John Brown. Yes, sir, I am. Ha-ha, John Brown. John Brown. From that ledge, my friend, my friend. Step back from that ledge. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Left the right blank. It's a one-word name. Four letters long. Let's make some noise all together for Colt, everybody. Whoa! Whoa! Let's make some noise all together for Colt, everybody. Whoa! Whoa!

What are the odds? What are the fucking odds? Of course it is. USA! USA! USA! USA! So you may recognize me from the comment section of Facebook. A little bit about me. I love my girlfriend. She's half the reason I wake up in the morning.

The other half is I don't like to shit in the bed. I'll get up. George loves it. He's a... You know, what does a stoner frog say? Rip it. You know, some people make fun of me because I didn't go to college. I make fun of them because they think Bernie Sanders is going to get rid of their debt. And my dad, thinking Joe Biden is going to cure his cancer.

Yikes. So wait a second. Your dad has cancer? He's in remission. He's in remission. It's fine. Oh, my God. What a weird way to bring that up.

Is that true? Your dad really has cancer and it's in remission right now? Yes, sir. And he's more liberal than you? No, that was a joke. Oh, that's a joke. You're very liberal. Absolutely.

Right. Just kidding. Right. Just kidding or absolutely? I'm a sinner. I don't know what that means. Okay. Okay.

Still, just take a breath here for a second. Really nervous. Remember, this part's just honesty. You had a great first 40 seconds of your 60 seconds. Crowd went berserk. You owned it. You ran out of jokes 40 seconds in right before your fucking frog joke, and we're all like, oh, he's not perfect.

You ever see a clown at a birthday party and his balloons, he just forgets where he put them? And he's like, how about some animal puns? And you're like, oh, fuck. Bring the cake out. I forgot. I forgot my last name. How old are you?

23. 23 years old. Here, come stand between the president and Adam Race so that this audience can get a good look at you. Take another half a step back. Yes, listen to my vice president. Yeah, that's me. That's me. So how old are my vice president. Yeah, that's me. That's me. So, how old are you?

23. 23 years old. First time doing stand-up? Yeah. And what is your story? What makes you different? You seem like a hip dude, but you're wearing a Make America Great Again hat, but with a great with a letter or the number 8 in the word great. They charged me

per letter when I was embroidering it. What did I tell you about doing jokes during this part of the show? Son of a bitch. I love this guy. You can do jokes, Mr. President. I'm just trying to get answers out of him. I like your jokes, Mr. President. There you go.

So tell us about you. was out of him. I like your jokes, Mr. President. There you go. So, tell us about you. You're 23. You didn't go to college, or you dropped out? No, I just didn't go. I'm a martial arts instructor, so I have a career path. Really? A martial arts instructor? You seem like you'd be the bully victim, not the fucking, not the bully trainer.

That's exciting. Can we see a little example of some martial arts? Can you air out some? Maybe the president could do some moves on you and you could defend yourself. Hey, I like that. You guys going to do some martial arts? Wow, wait a second.

He's got a full split going on. Wow, he's just getting loosened up. You can do whatever you want, buddy. Just don't hurt anyone. Oh! Get the fuck out. Wow, he's just getting loosened up you can do whatever you want, but he just don't hurt anyone Hey wait wait Wow Maybe Jeremiah you gotta do the bottle bottle challenge Yeah, that was amazing

Challenge. Yeah, that was amazing. Can you hold up your water bottle and let him back kick the bottle challenge right here? Are you serious? You think you can do that? No way. How high do you want him to hold it? Let him adjust it. Whoa!

Are you sure? Whoa! Are you sure? Whoa. Come on. Give America another chance. The place goes crazy. He did it. Colt's a goddamn American hero. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Wow. Colt, you're a fucking instant legend. Yo, two tries. That was fucking incredible. My God. My dad told me to quote. That was fucking incredible. My God. My dad told me to quote, he said, you're not funny, don't do that.

Wow. That's why your dad has cancer, dude. This guy's got bad karma. He's putting out bad vibes. Oh my God, that was so funny. That's what you get. goodness and this is your girlfriend

Here this beautiful girl who's very Impressed at your martial arts I mean your high kick was incredible It looked like you removed your thigh From your body and threw it over your shoulder Normally I would Challenge George Our friend Jeremiah is known for his high kicks, but I don't know

if he even wants to go up against that Mr. President, are you sure? He's got a high kick off Please be careful Heck yeah, just like his Congress they were also split George W. Bush gave a little split. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Same time? What are they going to do? He's going to kick him in the face. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my fucking god.

What is happening? Oh my god. Don't move, Jeremiah. What is happening? Wow. Wow. Wow! My mind is completely blown. Dude, that was fucking... This is unbelievable.

A kid wearing all-American gear and former president George W. Bush are bonding like we've never seen in perhaps the history of this show. All I can say is Kenichi, wow. Wow, we've come a long way tonight. Yes, we have. Just 15 minutes ago, we listened to a guy with no lips talk about eating buttholes. Yeah.

And now this. You have to be patient. That's a good lesson. That was amazing. You stopped just short of his face, dude. That was incredible. Can I just say my nose retracted two inches. It's the most scared my face has ever been. My goodness.

Indeed. Wow, Colt. This is so exciting. I mean, you are an instant legend on this show. Is there anything else we should know about you or we need to know other than the fact that you're a goddamn American ninja warrior? I actually know one of the guys on there. Whoa, Jesus. Who the fuck are you, dude?

Shout out to my brother. That's your brother? Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. Is that your real brother? He's supportive. I's your brother? Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. That's your real brother? He's supportive. I love him.

Oh, my God. Can you kick him in the face from where you are right now? No, go ahead. Tell us more about you, Colt. Is there something about a yo-yo that I should ask about? I'm a professional yo-yoer. Get the fuck out of here. Do you have a yo-yo on you?

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. This fucking kid's out of control. Oh, my God. His hot girlfriend just handed him a yo-yo on you? Get the fuck out of here. This fucking, this kid's out of control. Oh my god, his hot girlfriend just handed him a yo-yo. Oh my god. He's asking for a rap beat. This is very exciting.

Red band typed in rap beat. Sad rap beat is what came up. Oh my god. Wow. Can you yo-yo and do ninja shit at the same time? Wow. This is incredible. There's a lot of yo-yoing going on. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. This is incredible. This kid's doing all tricks. He's unstoppable.

Wow. Wow. Hey, throw in one more little kick for us there at the end. You got a kick? I would formally not. I'd like to make a special announcement right now. I am running as his vice president in the 2020 election. 2020 right here.

Colt Bush 2020, man. You heard it right there. My goodness, Colt. That is so exciting, dude. You got to, yeah, go ahead. How do you pick that skill up? Like, are you just sitting around one day being like, I wonder if I can yo-yo? Homeschooled.

Homeschooled? Wow. Wow. That's a fun fact to dive deeper on. The one thing your dad got right. Yeah. Yeah, you can't yo-yo at school, right? Yeah, right.

Yeah. At home you can. What brand was that? I'm just curious. What brand? What brand yo-yo? You a big yo-yo fan? Oh, yeah. At home you can. What brand was that? I'm just curious. What brand? What brand? Yo-Yo? You a big Yo-Yo fan?

Shout out. Shout out to Alternate Return Tops, ART, Jensen Kimmett, Charles Haycock. Oh my goodness. Yeah, all right.

You could have just said that in your head. I thought it was a document. I'm more of a Yo-Mega guy myself, but that's okay. Oh yeah, Yo-Mega's good. Nice.

Yeah. Have you ever pulled that trick out and turned the party around or people have really flipped out? Yeah, people trick out. Where? I was in England at the World Championships, the after-after party. At the Yo-Yo World Championships?

No, no, martial arts. Really? Yeah, the TAGB World Championship in 2016. Wait a sec. How do martial arts people view the yo-yo world? And I know that sounds like a dumb question, but

George? Yo-yos are actually an ancient Chinese weapon. Is that true? That is true. I went to Yale and Harvard. Nice. Got it. Unbelievable. All right, Colt. Well, I think we're going to try to squeeze one Got it. Unbelievable. All right, Colt. Well, I think we're going to try to squeeze one more person out of this show.

So we're going to send him on. You're amazing. If you're ever in L.A., let us know. American hero. There he goes. Colt, everybody. Oh, yeah. Wow. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. You can just Can we bring him to Fort Worth? Yeah, yeah. You can just come to Fort Worth and sign up again tomorrow. Try to write a new minute between now and then, though. You hear me? None of that fucking gay frog jokes.

Yeah, dude. Rip it. You could do better than that. Add your fucking martial arts into your thing. You ever want to kick something so bad you're ever just like hi-yah! Or if you're going to do the stoner

amphibian route, just do all that. One time I blew a.90 in a library. A library? It was a Dewey decimal system. All right. Oh, boy.

Dewey. D-U-E. Nope. Dewey. Not even close. All right. You tried. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time?

Yeah, baby. I pulled the name out. I pulled the name out I pulled a name out It's the last one though Alright, it's gonna be hard to top Colt No, we had one Hard to top Colt, but let's see what happens here Put your hands together for Cody Swindell

Cody Swindell Cody Cody Of the nature of Swindell I don't see movement, is that Cody? Here he is, Cody Swindell everyone Come on, he's your final comedian of the night Make some noise

Hey, growing up I always heard Are you going to jump off a bridge just because everybody else is doing it? And I always said no, but if everybody else is jumping off a bridge, then yeah, I would definitely be jumping off a bridge. I mean, should I trust some shitty bridge or the opinion of everybody? I mean, I know what they were saying, don't be a follower, stuff like that. It's a good message, but I don't know. I mean, I was, they're saying don't be a follower, but I still do way too many things just because everybody else is doing it, like hanging out at crowded bars that I don't like. I still do way too many things just because everybody else is doing it, like hanging out at crowded bars that I don't like. I'll be standing around with my own drink and just trying to keep to myself.

And a couple weeks ago, I'm standing there minding my own business, and I kind of started shaking a little bit. Didn't know what was going on. I noticed my drink rattling. So I turn around and tell my buddies about the earthquake that I'm experiencing for the first time in my life. around and tell my buddies about the earthquake that I'm experiencing for the first time in my life. And it turns out the dude behind me has a lady shaking her ass and that tremor was her ass through his ass on my ass. Thanks guys. All right. There you go. Cody Swindell. Very interesting.

Heck yeah. Welcome, welcome, Cody. How's it going, Tony? I like your style, man. First time doing stand-up? Yes, sir, it is. Heck yeah. Congratulations.

This is the first time, everybody. Good job, dude. This is where we find out during the interview part, like a gentleman. There's something very Forrest Gump about you. You born and raised here in Texas? Yes, sir, East Dallas. Heck yeah. And you were raised on a farm or something like that?

No. I had cows behind my house, but they weren't our cows. You mean bison, right? No, no. No? Alright. How many cows did you have? There were just a few back there. Just a little pasture. But there was a gas station on the other side,

so it was a good mix of country and ghetto kind of. I like that. I like that, a little country ghetto. Was it near Oak Cliff? Anyway, so, heck yeah, you got all done up before this show. It's very exciting. You clearly went to these shops at Legacy. This is where I just dump

all the unused Plano references that I learned before the show. I just dump them on your heads. I can't take them with me. It's incredible. Heck yeah, what do you do? Work at the new Toyota plant? What?

What, Plano? You're here all weekend. You better take notes of these things. You're like, goddamn, Tony does his research. Harry Hines. Did I say Louisville already? All right. No, but seriously, you're from like the Garland area?

Yeah, just south of Garland. Whoa, hell yeah. Look at that. Nailed it. Circle gets a square. Hey, I love it. The cow goes oink. So what do you do for work, Cody?

I just started a job as an elevator mechanic, working on elevators and stuff. An elevator mechanic. Hell yeah. I love it. That's an important job. It has its ups and downs. Oh, wow.

It does. It does. You're right. How dangerous are elevators? Because sometimes you get in a hotel, and you're like, this elevator seems really sketchy. Is it really that scary if we knew the mechanics? It is if you're in the elevator.

All right. What if Tony was pregnant holding a baby? Would it be dangerous in a shitty hotel? When it's sketchy, when it feels sketchy, should we be worried at all? If it's a sketchy hotel, it usually is pretty stable. But I guess if an elevator falls, most people think it's going to fall down. The ones with the ropes, if it falls, it's going to go up. They go up.

And then you hit the ceiling. So you have to jump at just the right time, right? Yeah, yeah. Mr. President, have you ever fallen up? Yeah, all the time. It's my entire career. Falling up. I love it.

How old are you, Cody? I'm 27 today, but I'll be 28 tomorrow. Really? Tomorrow's your birthday? That's the name of your memoir, by the way. 27 today, 28 tomorrow. Really? Tomorrow's your birthday? That's the name of your memoir, by the way. 27 today, 28 tomorrow. Alright. You have tonight to die as a rock star. You're right. That is incredible.

So, what do you do? What type of outdoorsy shit? You eat your own fish, you catch your fish and eat it, skin it, shit like that. Your hat has a wear and tear to it. It has the good, solid bend. It has the good solid bend. It has the good guy bend. There's a fucking lady

using a plunger on her giant vagina right now in the middle of the room. She's just losing her mind at how hot you are. You have a real fucking country name. Goddamn motherfucking Cody Swindale. Have you seen my boy Cody Swindell? He was behind that Colt guy.

Bunch of Texas-ass names. Where's John Brown? Did he go before Colt or after Colt? Man, it was Cody Swindell. You don't even hear these names. Only in Texas. Now up to bat, number 33,

Cody Swindell. Damn right. What? Wow. You got the vibe of a crocodile trainer, you know? Yeah. Like, what sort of animals have you been around in your time? I'm not much of an animal guy.

Most of my wife's dogs. Heck, yeah, and that's just her. You know what I'm saying? Your wife's got a bunch of dogs? Her family's a dog family, yeah. Yeah? What kind of dogs? What kind of dogs are we talking about? A bunch of bitches? Her family's a dog family, yeah. Yeah? What kind of dogs? What kind of dogs are we talking about?

A bunch of bitches, you know what I'm saying? She's got like a little fat, like, beagle wiener dog mix. Yeah. It's probably a cat. He just doesn't know what a dog is. It's like as tiny as... Goddamn beagle-ass wiener bitch dog. Beagle wiener bitch.

It's a beagle wiener bitch cat. Bitch-ass beagle kitten donkey. It's a mouse, more or less. Little good old kitten donkey. Man, Cody, what else about you? What's some crazy Texas shit about you? What do you think is the craziest thing that you've done? You ever go four-wheeling with a 12-pack of Mountain Dew or anything like that?

Code Red. Yeah. Cody Red. I'm probably not as outdoorsy. Hey, Cody Red's my first cousin tonight. Cody Red. I'm probably not as outdoorsy as my white trash hat signifies. Right.

What do you got under the hat? Let's see here. What do we got under there? Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hell yeah. Wow. Yeah.

American history. I'm at that weird stage where the hair's going out, but it hasn't gone yet. So I got to wear the hat. The hat's a good move. It's a good compliment to the beard. Has anyone ever told you you look like a white Demetrius Johnson? That's badass. That'd be cool.

That is badass. So you're not that animal-y. You're not that outdoorsy. Then what do you spend a lot of your time? What do you do for fun? How long have you been with your wife? We just got married last December. Congratulations.

What does she do? She does customer service for a restaurant, so she gets a lot of crazy calls all day. You would think working for a restaurant, she could feed you a little bit better. You'd think, yeah. What restaurant? It's a company that owns multiple restaurants. So she's not just on one. Olive Garden, Red Lobster.

You have any... I used to own some of those. I don't want to get your poor, innocent, dog-loving wife in trouble. You have any favorite sexual maneuvers that you do in the bedroom? Any good old country, like some John Deere tractor riding type of fucking... Is there a move that you would, after you finish it, you go, I call that the Cody. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Finishing. I just do whatever it takes to finish, and then I call that the Cody. You call that the Cody? That's it. All right. to finish and then I call that the Cody.

You call that the Cody? That's it. All right. Only dudes were applauding right there. Where's your favorite place to finish in your place? Like is it on our boobs, on our face, in the fish tank? What are we talking about here exactly? If I had a fish tank, probably. Right.

That fish tank is what I call your wife's asshole. That should have been more clear. We got a different nickname. You ever do reverse bison girl? Bison girl? We got longhorns out here, man. It looks a lot like reverse cowgirl,

but the girl's going... Boo. Boo. Boo. Cody, your parents live in East Dallas as well? Yeah, they do. That's where you're from? What type of work do they do? You have a real tough dad?

You have three brothers? One brother, one older brother. I was the accident. I was more than a decade later after my brother's sister. Hell yeah, I know all about that. Did you decide that to be your label, or did somebody tell you that in the family? The tubes were tied. I pushed my way through, though.

I was getting through. Really? Tubes were tied? No, I made that up. Right, right, right. Shitty joke, man. You untied it like it was a fishing knot or something like that. getting through. Really? Tubes were tied? No, I made that up. Right, right, right. You untied it like it was a fishing knot or something like that. It's like, I already got this

shit. My name's Cody Swindell and I was built to be born. Wow. Good catchphrase. My goodness. I feel like he's just made of catchphrases. Yeah, he is. Everything. We need a plush toy of you. Luckily, get her done is taken,

so I ain't gotta use that one. Yeah, what would be your get her done? You know, the way you live your life. Welcome to the sweet land of Cody Swindale. Probably be the,

just no words, just me putting my hat back on for relief. All right, well I'm not buying that toy anytime soon. For relief. What's putting your hat,

what's happening prior to the hat? Relief for the crowd. I know that hurts their eyes, all that shining and shit. Weirdest thing you've ever put in your butthole? Great question. Dick Cheney. I got a weird one with toilet paper.

I haven't put much in my butt. Yeah. I lit the toilet paper on fire with a candle much in my butt. Yeah. I lit the toilet paper on fire with a candle because I didn't have a match. Didn't throw it in the toilet because I thought the toilet would blow up. So, I was a kid. I just called my mom in there thinking I was going to explode our bathroom.

So, then what happened? Where did you throw it? In your butthole? Stomped it out. Stomped it out. I should have done the butt thing though, man. It's moist. You know those ear things that you lit that gets the wax out. Those funnels and stuff. Don't do that on your ass. I thought it would be hilarious.

It really hurts. This is where Red Band tests out his new stand-up material. No, it's trying. It's not stand-up. It hurts. Let me try this one. Put this in my butthole. That would kill my internal hemorrhoid or something. He does have internal hemorrhoids.

That I can confirm because I had to confirm it. I literally was like, really, huh? I mean, really, because you look like you would have external hemorrhoids. Yeah, like my whole body is made out of external hemorrhoids. My goodness. Wait, what's this tattoo of on your left elbow? Do you know the band A Day to Remember? Nope.

Can you sing a line from one of their songs so we might recognize them? It was a day to remember. Don't forget today. I don't think I have a voice for it. Well, I woke up this morning and grabbed my bottle of beer. A Day to Remember is actually about 9-11, so keep it easy.

Whoa. Is that true? What's A Day to Remember about? I don't know what the band name was about, but they're a heavy kind of hardcore band. Oh, it's like heavy, heavy, hardcore. A lot of screaming. Is that them? It's nice, but that's not them.

Let me ask you one last question. You said you have two brothers. One brother, one sister. One brother. Does he have a cool NASCAR Texas name like Cody, too? Michael Swindale. Michael Swindale. Holy shit.

You're running for office with that name, right? Absolutely. I mean, you got a George W. Bush over here. Yeah, competition. I'm George W. Bush, and I approve this message. Wow. Cody, you think you and George W. Bush and I approve this message. Wow. Cody, you think you and your wife are ever going to have kids?

I think so in a few years. You have any plans? Are you going to give them a NASCAR name? Cody Jr.? That is the name, man. NASCAR. NASCAR Swindell.

God damn it. I'm not opposed. I fucking love you. Definitely don't do that, but I'm not opposed. That kid will kill himself. But he'll be fast. He'll be fast.

Touche. Touche, Cody. Fuck it, dude. You're right again. Every time I want to try to debate you on something, I just fucking back down. I'm like, that beard's going to come off and tackle me. Cody,

can we do something fun to end tonight's episode? Because I feel like, you know, I feel like we sort of pushed it to a limit going one extra comedian after Colt had this audience

eating out of the palm of your hand. Would you mind if we did something crazy here? Can we let Colt kick the hat off of your head to end tonight's episode?

What a great fucking idea. Let's have some fucking fun here. I love this kid. By the way, Colt, you're on my guest list for any show you ever want to come to for the rest of your life. Yes. Just based on being a good human

and the fact that your father's dying, that also plays into the role. I'm going to be your new daddy. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, to end tonight's episode. Don't you move, Cody. And don't fuck this up for me, Colt. Please don't kick this innocent

man in the face. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? And that's Kill Tony Plano, Texas. Woo! How about a hand for the great and powerful Adam Ray, everybody?

Thank you. Two shows tomorrow, two shows the next night, right here in Plano. If you live super crazy fucking close to Plano and you're looking for something to do, fucking come back out again. Why not have more laughs? Adam and I have been friends for literally 12 years.

I'm so happy that you were in town. I'm so happy that we got to play and have some fun tonight. I love you so much, Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. About last night's podcast, his new album, Read the Room. It's the great Adam Ray. Come on, Texas. Right over here.

Let's see how loud this place can get for George W. Bush. Wowzers. I mean, boy, what a performance here tonight. Typical Jeremiah Watkins thunder. I was wondering all day why he was wearing that heavy leather jacket. Now it all makes sense.

He wore this shit in 100 degree heat when we walked out of the airport today. I had no idea he was going to be George Bush. Great character. Anything else you want to plug? You got Reagan and Watkins, the new album. Jeremiah Wonders on all podcasts. Everybody loves it.

Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. And Reagan and Watkins, I I believe is going on tour. Phoenix Arizona? Yeah, Phoenix Arizona and Huntington Beach at the Rec Room, yeah. And then also check out old episodes of Jeremiah Wonders. Adam Ray's done it.

Tony, Red Band, check out the roadcast. Jeff Ross was just on Jeremiah Wonders and got some great guests lined up for the future. Oh yeah! We gotta do a Kill Tony soldout show in Fort Worth tomorrow night. Still tickets available for this weekend's stand-up shows. I'm running a long set. A lot of it's going to be a lot of risk-taking fun because I've done Fort Worth.

Fun fact, I am obsessed with when the smoke cleared in my career, I've come to realize Dallas is probably one of my favorite cities on the planet. And it's become a problem because I come here so often that I don't like repeating jokes, but I still haven't taped my next special. So I'm going to be doing crazy fucking experimental crowd work and running some brand new material all weekend

this weekend in Fort Worth for four shows. Jeremiah Watkins featuring our friend Gage opening up the shows. And that's going to be a lot of fun. So if you're bored this weekend, if you're around here, come see Adam Ray. If you're near Fort Worth, come see us. Red Band, you have a big show in San Diego

August 16th. August 17th and also we do a new Death Squad shirt at ShopSquad.TV. Check it out. And a new Kill Tony shirt about to come out on ShopSquad.TV. That's right and don't forget we have shows coming up at Let's Fest in Indiana

and some other ones coming up. Big announcement coming up right around the corner. And also I do stand-up August 8th and 10th in Miami and September 5th through 7th in West Palm Beach, Florida, for those of you listening to the podcast from around the world. And also, of course, Kill Tony Mania coming to Sacramento and San Francisco. Oh, I didn't mention this earlier.

Ryan J. Ebel made custom-made Texas Kill Tony posters. If anybody wants, we're going to sign them for you. And we sell them. They're only $20 each. There's also Kill Tony pins available. Death Squad pins. We'll sign them for you. We'll take a picture with you.

There's also a Tony Hinchcliffe pin. There's only a few left. If you want, I'll draw on the custom-made mustache with a Sharpie. I'll even leave a little space in the middle. Yeah. Anyway. Plano,

this ended up being so much fun. Did you guys have fun? Alright, we love you. We'll see you outside. Come say hi. Good night. Thank you. Outro Music We'll see you next time.