KILL TONY - KILL TONY #377 - FT WORTH

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/11/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show.

And also, if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world- Famous Comedy Store, but we're always on the road. We're going to be July 25th at the Fillmore in Philadelphia. July 26th, we'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. August 3rd, we're going to be at the Let's Fest in Indiana doing two shows. We're also going to be at Hyena's in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd. And The Road to Kill Tony is going to be at the Punchline August 16th. And then August 18th will be Kill Tony Mania 2 at Cobbs in San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the latest updates.

Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own dates doing stand-up He has some merch there Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com For everything The Golden Pony Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist He draws every single episode Go to RyanJEbelt.com

For posters and merch And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv There you have the Kill Tony shirt And Death Squad merchandise We got hats and mugs Go to ShopSquad.TV. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We got hats and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Ray Van coming to you live from Hyenas in Fort Worth, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fort Worth, let's make some fucking noise. Wow, look, it's Brian Ray-Ban, everybody. Hey, guys. Heck, yeah, a little tightard, everybody. Hey, guys. Heck, yeah. A little tight squeeze for me tonight in Fort Worth. Been eating a lot of barbecue today, as you could tell by the table shift there.

Heck, yeah. You excited about this, Fort Worth? We're back. It's Kill Tony. Fort Worth. Last time was a goddamn humdinger little rodeo, like a night out in the stockyards. You know what I'm saying, people?

Like a fucking hangout at Billy Bob's. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, there's some fucking real white trash in here. I like it. This is my kind of party. This is where we meet the fun people out here on the fucking real road where you can see bisons everywhere, things like that. I enjoyed

the day. Brian, you chilled out in the hotel room, right? Sure did. Jeremiah and I went to Burgers Lake, huh? Fuck yeah. Damn right, had the cheeseburger there so I could shit my pants at any point during the show. Went down some water slides. We just had some of the best

local pizza that we've ever had. Yeah, incredible. A shout out to Domino's Pizza. Every place we go to around the country, the one thing on our little thing is a large pepperoni pizza from whatever the staff's favorite local pizza

place is. That's what it says on the piece of paper that the venues get. This is the first time ever, anywhere in the country, in which we got delivered a Domino's pizza. Fort Worth. Not known for their Italian cuisine, obviously.

But how about a hand for Hyena's? This is my favorite club here in the Dallas, Fort Worth, Plano. If we could get the two people next to the camera away from the camera, that would be great. I just noticed somebody just sat next to the table and the table rocked. It's probably just an innocent comedian of some kind. Oh, they're scurrying away like rats. Yes, keep them away.

We have a broomstick that perhaps we could sweep people away with back there. Anyone from last night's show come here tonight? Like, wow. Wow, what a great turnout. Heck yeah, we got that guy. Look at this fucking guy right here. Were you on the show last time? Houston.

Houston. Yeah. Did you sign up tonight? God, do I hope you get pulled out of the bucket. I sort of remember. Oh, my God, I do remember you from Houston. Houston. Did you sign up tonight? God, do I hope you get pulled out of the bucket. I sort of remember. Oh, my God. I do remember you from Houston. Oh, shit.

Come on. Let's hope this bucket's lucky tonight. Yes. As with all of our road shows, we're going guestless tonight. And we do have part of the band, not the entire band. But we do have what I think a lot of people would say is the best part of the band. I mean, you know, it's just that he's been along the longest.

He turned the band into a goddamn fucking machine. He's the leader of the band. Every single episode he commits to being a different character. Last night in Plano, my God, was he George W. Bush, and it was just unbelievable. It made me remember how much I love that president.

One of the good ones, you know what I'm saying? So I never know what he's going to be or do. Maybe it's a new character like George W. Bush. Maybe it's the return of someone famous character. You never know what's going to happen. Put your hands together for him. It's the best damn band in the land. Jeremiah

Watkins, the leader of the Kill Tony band. From Reagan and Watkins fame. What? What? Get out of here. What is this? Oh my

goodness. Thank you. A six shot venti. Wow. My goodness. Are you a Starbucks barista? Yes. My goodness. Are you a Starbucks barista? Yes, my name is Aubrey. I am a man. How are you?

Wow, Aubrey, this is your first time ever on Kill Tony. No, you have a bad memory. My goodness. It's okay. I'm very forgettable. That's why I haven't been promoted yet. It's okay. Wow.

Well, Aubrey, the Starbucks barista. Yeah. ASM for the last 13 years. Haven't been promoted. Am I a little bit bitter? Maybe, but I don't know. Just keep it up. And you work here in Texas? You work in a real Texas Starbucks? Uh-huh. Right here in Fort Worth, yeah. Yeah. You ever run into any trouble there at any of those Starbucks? Yeah, you ever run into any trouble there at any of those Starbucks? One time a homeless man threw a banana at the window at me and thought the window was going to shatter, and it did not, and I said, see you later.

Wow, Aubrey. Something else. I'm excited to drink this coffee. We got Aubrey, we got Red Band. This brings me to this, the amazing, super forgettable Fort Worth bucket of destiny. It appears to be the same. It has so much DNA on it.

I actually brought that ice bucket from Starbucks. Oh, thank you, Aubrey. Aren't you a sweet thing? A lot of people signed up tonight, clearly just from the guy in seat 1A. You could tell there's a lot of eclectic characters here. I'm excited to see what could possibly happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted

on this stage. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Rainbow Lounge Bear. It's so loud. It's incredibly loud. So yeah, the Rainbow Lounge burned down a year or two ago

is what I was told, but they said it would still be the gayest reference possible. That's real Texas shit for you. Well, we burned down the gay bar a year ago, but you could use that reference. How's your pizza? Not good. It's Domino's. The entranceway is right there, so if you get pulled up, you get 60 seconds, then we talk to you more about your life.

Find out what the hell is interesting about you and what it's like being a man named Cody from the southern plains of Texas. A lot of Codys. A lot of Codys around these parts. We had a couple Codys last night. We had a Colt. I wonder why. A lot of NASCAR shit goes on around here. There we go.

I mean, it's very... I don't know why that is. There's something like... Maybe it's on Mountain Dew boxes or something like that. Like why... You guys excited about this show tonight? All right. Sometimes I got to make sure.

I'm going to pull a name out of the bug, and this shit's going to go down. Last time we were in Fort Worth, it was fucking crazy. Let's see if we can match its powers here tonight. Put your hands together for your first comedian. He goes by the name of Connor Kokora, everybody. Here we go. It has begun.

It has begun. Here he comes. Sure, come on up. Here he is. Connor Kokora, everybody. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name's Connor. It's an Irish name. It means dog lover. It's a good guess on my mom's part, because how could she have known before I was born that that'd be my fetish?

I've been practicing intermittent fasting or as I like to call it poverty leave it to the millennials to take something totally endemic and make it marketable I asked my friend if I could borrow his fleshlight he said no dude

that shit's old, it's dirty are you sure it's not mature? Come on, man, let me use it. He's like, no, you're making me uncomfortable. Get the fuck out of here. Go fuck yourself. I'm trying to go fuck myself, but my only friend with a fake pussy

is being a real douche right now. That's all I got, everybody. Thank you very much. There you go. 55 seconds from Connor Kokora. Hey. How are you, buddy? I'm doing good.

How are you? Good, good. First time on the show, right? First time on the show. You're an adorable little guy, aren't you? Thank you. Yeah, you look like the new version of the Child's Play doll. Fresh out in theaters right now.

You have some type of very Australian haircut. It's longer on the sides than it is at the top. Is Theo Vaughn one of your inspirations? That's right, yeah, honestly. So, Connor, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since January. Since January. It's so specific.

What happened in January that you started then? New Year's resolution? You could say that. I like how you bobbed your head back in. It's something I've always been interested in trying, and I thought it'd be a good skill to try and work on. How old are you? 24.

What have you been doing with your entire life? What are you known for? I'm in a band in Denton, Texas. Denton? Yeah. Hell yeah. A lot of fans. I have a lot of woos out there.

Denton. What are they known for? Hipsters. Really? Yeah. The jazz program at the University of North Texas is pretty slapping. Interesting. Do you consider yourself a hipster?

What do you do for work? I'm an Uber driver. An Uber driver. That's pretty hip. And I recently started helping my dad do, he does like traffic accident reconstruction. Oh. So when lawyers like need to fight for your dead relative.

Are you one of the accidents that he reconstructs? No, he's actually my stepfather. Oh, geez. Wow. Shots fired over here. What happened to your real dad? He was an Air Force pilot. That's him beeping. He's waiting for you outside right now.

He's waiting for you to come back to the car. Did you say he was an Air Force pilot? Yeah, he's retired now. Oh, he's retired. Oh, thank goodness. You said he was an Air Force pilot like he flew into one of the buildings at 9-11 or something like that. It doesn't really make sense.

Yeah, so now he's retired. And how old were you when your parents divorced? They were never together. Oh. That is what my wife said about me. Is that true, Aubrey? You're married? Well, you know, happily.

I say we're married. She said, I still wear the wedding ring. It's a long story. But you know what they say at Starbucks, you know, leave everything at the door. Wow. So, Connor, what do you do for fun? You're 24 years old. You're an Uber driver.

You're bored with your stepdad Right? What else? I'm in a band with my friends Oh yeah? What type of band? It's like an emo math rock kind of band Anything on Spotify? What's the name of your band? Genius Christ

Oh my god What an asshole band you guys are Genius Christ I can tell you for sure We will not be allowed to play your music at Starbucks Is this it? Hell yeah What do you do in this band?

I play guitar and I sing Wow Can you sing along with this song for us? Fuck yeah Lose yourself in it Here we go A little bit of Genius Christ Live from Hyenas in Fort Worth.

If you like this comedy, you'll love maybe something else that he does. Here he is. Genius Christ. Like a vinyl record I'll tell you the truth With every scratch on

the surface and the dust in the groves Over and over again You spin me around And I repeat myself Into the ground Oh my god. The crowd loves it.

The crowd goes wild. To me, you sounded like if 311 worked at 7-Eleven. It's just sad in one tone. If you've ever been there, then you will see. It's very simple, almost like Texas beach music. The type of thing you go to Galveston and chop up a body and listen to Everything is happy Get rid of the body

Genius Christ, one of the least humble names in all of music Did you come up with that? No, we don't know who came up with it You got so stoned you don't even know who came up with the name of your own band. We were on tour with another band in a previous band, and we were just riffing on Jesus Christ, like who can make a funny pun, and that was it. Oh, God. I guess if that's what you consider a funny pun,

then you foreshadowed your entire comedy career. Started in January. By the way, started in January is a better band name than Genius Christ. Hey, everybody, we're starting in January. If you've ever heard of Samuel Moe. Did you really try to borrow your friend's fleshlight?

Is there any... Yeah. Why? You know what a fleshlight is, right? Yeah, of course. I just never tried it. Hell yeah. You don't use your friend's, though. That's what he was trying is, right? Yeah, of course. I just never tried it. Hell yeah. You don't use your friends, though.

That's what he was trying to tell me. Yeah. I've heard of Eskimo Brothers, but that's like Microwave Brothers or something like that. A reverse heat from the inside. I donate all of my fleshlights to Goodwill. Why do you get fleshlights? Why do you go through so many, Aubrey? I am a lonely person.

So did you end up fucking your buddy's fleshlight? No, I fucked my girlfriend instead. Wow, look at you. My goodness. Same amount of cum inside her from another guy. Oh, you just got motherfucking red band deep fried. How long have you been with this girl? Five years.

Five years. Wow. This sounds serious. You ever think about getting married? Yeah, definitely. Yeah? Then you stop thinking about it? Yeah, definitely.

What does she do? She is an elementary music teacher. Wow. Elementary music teacher. Is she teaching genius Christ right now how to get past that one verse? If you've ever seen it. When you're an elementary school music teacher, you don't even need to know how to play anything, right? You just have to give them a trumpet and go, yeah, that sounds great, third grader.

In some districts, yeah. She took some Hungarian folk song-based method of teaching. Damn. It's like deep forest. Yeah, it's some crazy shit. Wow. All right. What's the most interesting thing about you in your entire life and your history?

If you had to give us a crazy fun fact about... Wow, okay. Crouching tiger hidden faggot over here. Oh, my. Oh, my. I can say that word around here, right? It's still legal here. Interesting fact. Don't make us burn down another rainbow land.

You know what I'm saying? Why did you squat like that? Going back to your Indian roots? What's happening? Oh, yeah. Get up. Something makes me interesting, man. I don't know. You started sweating profusely the

second I asked you this question, so I feel like there's something. You like the... I like mushrooms, man. Psychedelics and shit. Ate some on the beach in North Carolina one time. One time? One time. Why one time? One of my bands was on tour. Are you trying to identify yourself by the drug mushrooms, like with

that? What do you mean? Saying 24 years, what's something that you've done, or maybe you've saved someone's life once, or maybe you were like a, I don't know, you seem like you've done something interesting. It seems like you were once like a lifeguard at a slip and slide or something like that.

No, I worked in a kitchen with a bunch of Mexicans one time. I like the way you say a bunch of Mexicans. You said it like it was a bad thing. Like you were a POW of some kind. We've all worked

all of us have worked in a kitchen with Mexicans before I hit a coyote with my car on the interstate a couple years ago Is that what you call Mexicans now? Are you talking about the ones that help other Mexicans travel across the border? He had a coyote, his name was Jose Alright What's your name, Cody?

Connor. It was good to have you on, dude. Thank you. How do you think stand-up's going for you? Good? Yeah, it's going all right. All right, man. Well, as long as you have fun with it, as long as you enjoy yourself, you fucking keep rocking, dude.

We're glad that you came on. You got the show started. Thanks, brother. Connor Kikora, everybody. Hey, Peter Gabriel. How about a hand for Aubrey over here on this saxophone? Always new music. Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I can already tell you, this is a special night. This guy actually got up last night and blew the fucking roof off the joint. I told him that we told him, right, it was your idea to invite him back to come here. He said he didn't have a new minute. I said, right another minute. Sign up again just in fucking case I pull your name. He said he didn't have a new minute. I said, write another minute. Sign up again, just in fucking case I pull your name.

He ended up coming. He ended up signing up, and he just got pulled second out of this entire bucket of people that signed up. How many of you were at last night's show? Then I think you know. Star power when you hear it. I present to you for the second night in a row, two episodes of Kill Tony in a row.

Cult! Wow! There he is! When I was a kid, my dad never played catch with me. I asked him one time. He bought me a boomerang The holes in my socks Are from my puppy

Not my income For real This puppy was so excited To see me last night I picked him up And he pissed on my face It was tough To hide my boner

From my family. My girlfriend's here tonight, which is really strange because I can never get her to come, but that's not a joke. Wow. Cult, ladies and gentlemen. Going out stylistically with style.

All right. What do you say we just start kicking shit again, huh? Let's fucking do this. For those of you that don't know, don't weren't at last night's show, which was a lot of you, of course, Colt just so happens to be – where are you from again? I'm from Allen, Texas. I work in Plano, Texas. Wow.

Allen, Texas, works in Plano, Texas, and he just so happens to be a globally recognized martial artist of the extremely highest caliber. You hear how quiet it got? Because I am fucking serious, ladies and gentlemen. This kid, this fucking

little goddamn looks like he gets shoved in every locker is the one that's shoving bigger kids into lockers. Colt, show these people a little bit of what you're capable of. He's just stretching, guys. He's just stretching. That's what he... Nothing beats a human being falling.

That was a joke. It's a comedy show. Just in all of comedy, nothing's better than someone just disappearing on the ground for a second. Nothing beats it. Honestly, I had a nightmare about that last night. I'm not even kidding about that.

You falling just like that on a hike? Just like that. Well, dreams and nightmares come true here on Kill Tony, Colt. That is so fucking cool that you can do crazy shit with your legs like that. Have you ever had to use that on somebody? No. No, never not once. You just end up lifting your leg up like that

and everybody just stops talking shit immediately, right? I just try to be nice. Can you get, just out of curiosity though, can we pretend, can we do like a scene where maybe Aubrey bullies you?

Maybe Aubrey bullies you at some point and you show us what you would do to a guy like Aubrey? Is this possible? Aubrey bullies you at some point and you show us what you would do to a guy like Aubrey. Is this possible? Aubrey is already putting his saxophone away. So I'm guessing Aubrey is game for anything at this point. So, wow, this is interesting. So someone is going to bully you.

Yeah, I guess so. And then whatever would happen hopefully Aubrey wouldn't move or anything like that and get in the way of whatever it was that you're going to do so let's see what happens here he's going to get bullied for the first time in his life

a Texas martial artist this is what they look like ladies and gentlemen wow okay here we go this is totally wait what what did he tell you to do they look like, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Okay, here we go. This is totally... Wait, what? What did he tell you to do? He whispered in my

ear, throw a haymaker punch and hit me and I feel like I am back in a bad marriage again. Well, this is interesting. I hope, Colt, this isn't another good old carpet slip that's about to happen here.

Oh, my God. Please don't tell me. Wow. Incredible. He completely disarmed him. I would like my hat back, please. Gave him a Make America Great Again hat. Both hats came off in the melee.

That is incredible. Can I just say, he made contact with my tongue when he... Your tongue was out? He threw my head down, and my tongue fell he... Your tongue was out? He threw my head down and my tongue fell out like a dog. And when he kneed up, I licked his pants. Wow. Magical moment.

Magical moment. So, Colt, you're great at martial arts. You're a cool fucking guy. You're a hip-looking dude, right? You look like Waldo's rich nephew. So tell us something that we'd be, you know, and you played it safe at times tonight.

Did a couple little jokey jokes that were cute, right? And that's fine. But we like the real stuff. Tell us something about you that we don't know. That is something that maybe you don't want people to know. That maybe you thought about talking about tonight but didn't end up talking about? You put those little cutie pie frog jokes in the middle there.

I saw somebody die once. You saw somebody what? I saw somebody die. Oh, you saw somebody die. Yeah, real life. Yeah? Is it after you kicked them in the face? No, no, no, no, no.

It was my uncle. But I didn't know him. But, like, my dad, like, we went to go see him. He was on, like on hospice or whatever. And we showed up. And nobody was there but him and the nurse. And my dad said something to him. And then he just died.

Oh, my God. Did he whisper it in his ear? Yeah. Oh, my God. Did you ever ask your dad what he whispered into it? No. But the doorbell rang right after that. So I had to answer the door.

And it was his kids oh no and they were like oh you must be colton i saw you on facebook i'm like i'm sorry for your loss right your dad's dead oh my god that's true that's 100 true that's how you said it no not exactly i'm paraphrasing i was just i said i'm sorry for your loss'm Colton. Why wouldn't you ask your dad what he said? Maybe it was your dad's fault. Yeah, what if your dad whispered, when you die, I'm going to tell everybody that you molested me. I think he said, I'm here.

He said, it's Scotty, I'm here. Oh, and that scared him to death. Yeah. He must have bullied him or something, perhaps, when they were kids. My goodness. Colt, you got up two nights in a row. I give you a lot of props

for being able to at least try to write a minute in 24 hours after your first time ever on stage, which was last night. We put you in the pressure cooker tonight. Are you going to do it again, you think? Fuck yeah. Wow, look at that.

We've created a goddamn monster. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Colt, everybody. Last night we had Colt do the bottle cap challenge live in Plano and he did it. He knocked the cap off of a bottle.

You guys know the bottle cap challenge? Seen that on your goddamn Insta-hoots? Insta-hoots? Whatever you call them down there. I watched it on Facebook. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Katlyn Hasenauer.

Katlyn Hasenauer. Katlyn. Katlyn. Here she comes. Yee-hoo! Come on, Fort Worth! All right. So me and my boyfriend found out we do the same thing during sex,

and that's think of other people. Yeah. It's fine. We know what we look like. But we came up with a rule so we'd stop saying the wrong name during sex anymore. And that rule is we'll only think of celebrities with the same name as our partner. And I got off pretty easy. Get it? Got off. That was dumb. Anyways, I got off pretty easy because my boyfriend's name is Michael. So I've got like Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan,

Michael J. Fox for when he comes because he does this cute little twitching thing, it's great yeah it's great but we were trying to think of a celebrity with the same name as me and if you don't remember my name is Caitlyn, we've already thought

of it, it's Caitlyn Jenner yeah I was like babe babe, this game isn't fun anymore. We don't have to play anymore. He would just look me up and down. He's like, I can work with it. Yeah. But I'm not offended because she's a transgendered woman.

I'm offended because I feel like he has this weird fetish where he wants me to hit him with my car. And just drive away. Fuck yeah. Catlin. Hasenauer. Welcome, welcome. Very fun.

How long have you been doing comedy? About two years. About two years. All here in Fort Worth? No, I'm from Denton, unfortunately. Wow, Denton. Yeah. Hell yeah.

What do you love about Denton? I've got a job there wow heck yeah Denton sounds like the kind of place where you'd be a nine in Denton

thanks thanks it is it's a compliment but it's also it's a pretty generous compliment it's an

it's an interesting compliment we'll call it that yeah Fort Worth you'd be like nine beers, right? Oh, Red Band.

Red Band's extra mean tonight. This is Roasty Red Band. He's here for a little barbecue. Can I just say, if both of you keep up this behavior, I will be writing both of you up. Wow, we're going to get written up. Catlin, so welcome to the show. You've been doing stand-up for two years. How do you make a living? I actually work at the University in Denton. Oh, wow, so welcome to the show. You've been doing stand-up for two years. How do you make a living?

I actually work at the University in Denton. Oh, wow. The University of Denton. What is that, for farming? No. Get on the tractor. Here's your diploma, you idiot. I'm just kidding.

What do they teach at the University of Denton? It's the University of North Texas. It's like a music college, mostly. Oh, cool. You play music? No. No. No musical talent whatsoever? Not really. I was in band in high school,

and they really drilled it in me. Tuba? Oh, thanks. No. I knew most of the tuba players, but... What did you play in the band? I played French horn. Oh, ooh-la-la.

Au bon chocolaté chaud. You know what I just said? We'll talk about it later. Oh, wow. Hello. Looks like I'm getting fucking Waffle House tonight. Get fucking smothered and covered. You know what I'm saying? Oh.

Katlyn, how long long you been with this boyfriend of yours uh we've been dating for like four years four years what does he do uh he's actually a teacher

wow what does he teach uh he's a gym teacher gym teacher yeah my goodness elementary school whoa hell yeah

this guy's get all the pussy if he could say hi to my two daughters uh that'd be appreciated. My wife will not let me see them. Oh, you're not allowed to see

your daughters anymore, Aubrey? Long story? Uh-huh, long story. Wow. So you like Michael Jordan type guys, right? Yeah. We noticed that Michael B. Jordan and then just a Michael J. Fox twitch.

I guess like a Denton version of Michael B. Jordan and then just a Michael J. Fox twitch? Thank you, Sora. I guess like a Denton version of Michael Jordan, so extra 100 pounds or so. Uh-huh. Yeah. Is he black? Yeah. Your boyfriend is? Yep.

Uh-huh. Wow. No one is surprised. No, no, that's fine. I mean, does he have a record of any kind? No, I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. My first thought was like a rap record, and I was like, how did you know he is a rapper?

Is he really? Is he really? Wow. Is he here right now? No, he came last night. I bet he did. It was the girl. My goodness.

Is he a famous rapper? No. Can we find any of his stuff anywhere? Yeah, probably SoundCloud. SoundCloud? Yeah, or iTunes. Or iTunes, yeah. What's the name of his rap name?

Mikey Pyrex. Mikey Pyrex. M-I-K-E-Y-P-Y-R-E-X. I'm a terrible girlfriend, yeah. Something like that. Wow, you're also a terrible university employee. Don't know how to spell your own

black boyfriend's rap name? Come on, lady! This is why a lot of them just keep it real short. Lil Wayne, you know what I mean? Keep it easy to spell. DMX, perhaps? You know how to spell properly?X, perhaps, you've heard? Know how to spell properly?

R-R! P-Y-R-E-X, I believe. Pyrex is a thing that they mix drugs in. You know about this? I feel like you don't know anything about your boyfriend's secret double life as a rapper. I feel like you don't know what... Once he gets on stage, it's all him.

Really? He gets on stage a lot? What does he do? What types of events? Bar mitzvahs? Yo, yo, you fucking Mikey Pyrex. You fucking Jews. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p See, this is why I ask these questions. Because I'm looking for real premium. Is this a music video? Yeah, it starts off with him doing the dishes.

Is he a dishwasher in one of his videos? This is him? That's him and my brother, yeah. That's your brother? Yeah. My goodness. How'd they get access to the place where they're doing dishes in a video? They both work there.

They both work there. I had a feeling, again, Tony Hinchcliffe is my name. I asked the questions. I'm actually in this video. Are you really? So, what are you wearing in the video? My guess is you're on top of a car? No, not at all. Fucking just soaping

it up? That's me right there. What's she doing? Oh, some of those. Wow. Look at that. Oh, they're about to fuck you. Oh, shit. Oh, man.

Wow, this is some crazy, like, it's like if Run the Jewels never ran a day in their life. It's like Walk the Jewels. Rob the Jewels, perhaps. Wow, that's exciting. We lost sound on that? What happened? Oh, okay.

That's what it sounds like. But this is still the white guy, right? Yeah, my brother's the white guy. Okay, you know, I got that part figured out. Yeah, my brother's the white guy. Okay, I got that part figured out. That'd be crazy if your boyfriend was now the white guy and your brother was a black man. The good old blood brother here.

Yeah, Mikey Pyrex, that sounds about right. Anyway, so have you always been with black men only, pretty much? No, I've dated one white guy, and he's the one that got me pregnant. Whoa, really? Normally that's completely backwards. Okay, so you like the light roast too? Hey, look at that. Wow, so you were with a white guy. How old's your kid? He's four.

Four years old. And then you guys broke up. Yeah. And did you keep the kid? Yeah. Like, I mean, like you're the full time. Yeah, I keep the kid. That's not what I meant. You saved the receipt?

It didn't go very well. Heck yeah. Are you close with your father? My dad? Yeah, he's great. Yeah. Is he cool with you being with a black man? What type of guy is your dad? Ooh, I love the answer I'm about to get. He's gotten used to it now.

Ooh, yeah. I knew it. Did I say I was going to love the answer? He's gotten used to it now is the funniest possible answer to that question. It tells you everything. It's better than the first time I brought a black guy home. Did you almost say a black home? A black home.

No. No, she almost said that she bought a black guy is what she actually almost said. Tell us about the first time you brought a black guy home. Really awkward dinner, all that fun stuff. The guy finally went home, and then I asked my parents, I was like, what do y'all think of him? My dad's just like, well, we have to get used to it now. You can't go back. Oh, that's

funny. I like your dad. Your dad gets it. So he's the one guy who heard that quote and is like, he took that as fact. He's like, great, okay. You can't go back, so

there you go. You've opened this door. There you go. There's no going back now, Catlin. You're on a one-way street of darkness. All right. You've opened Pandora's black box. Goddammit, Catlin. I saw this movie once.

It's called Get Out. All right, Catlin. Well, you're fucking awesome, man. I loved your jokes. You know, you're working with beats. Obviously, you get it. I love your style. Super likable.

Thanks, man. You're killing it. Catlin Hasenauer. Let's keep it moving along. We got people to see. Places to take them. All right. Pulled another name out.

Put your hands together for Anthony Fink. It's Anthony Fink. Whoa. Anthony Fink. Here. Anthony Fink. Here he comes, everybody. Wow. In the flesh.

What's up, guys? What's up, Fort Worth? How's it going, guys? I guess I should share a secret with you guys. I've got a tattoo on my dick. A dick too, if you will. It's nothing major, it just says manufactured in Constantinople.

When people ask me how it went, I just tell them it was hard. Anyway, my mom's here tonight. Shout out to Debbie. You guys ever watch so much porn that you wonder how many stepbrothers a girl can have? If there's anything I've learned,

I wish I had a stepsister a long time ago. Or you ever watch so much porn that you forget what you're there for? Like you just find a good plot and you're just like... Alright, that's my time, guys. Thanks. Anthony Fink, ladies and gentlemen. Heck yeah, Anthony. Welcome to the show. Thanks.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Six months. Six months. And you live here in Dallas? Fort Worth, yeah. Fort Worth. Heck yeah. Born and raised?

No, I moved here 10 years ago from Ohio. Moved here 10 years ago from Ohio. Why here? That's where your parents moved? I was broke. You were broke? Yeah. You were broke in you were broken what

city in ohio uh it wasn't a city it was uh it was actually called a village yeah what was the village it's called manaway ohio where shout out to my hometown of 200 people that's where you were born and raised yeah born and raised what do your parents do they amish no uh but we do got some good amish people that we know. Yeah. What do your parents do in Manoway? They actually, my mom moved here, and my dad washes cars up in Ohio. Wow. And my mom works at an oil field company.

Oh, okay. And you came here to Fort Worth. Was that your choice? No. Mom's choice? Yeah. Oh. She found a guy, and I tried to stay.

Oh, she was cheating on your father with another man from Texas. Gotcha. Okay, that's the story. Yeah. She'll never admit it, though. Of course. Yeah, I ask her all the time. I bet.

I also ask her if I was adopted, because she's black. Is that true? No. Wow. It's just true? No. Wow. It's just a terrible joke. Wow. They ate it up. This fucking audience loved that moment that you just made happen here.

So, Anthony, you used to drink a lot, but you don't anymore? Drink a lot? Yeah. Still do. You still do? Yeah. You do drugs? I can't anymore.

Right. So you stopped doing that? I had to for my job. What were you addicted to? Oh, nothing major. Weed's not a drug, right? No. That's not what I'm talking about.

Okay. Yeah, no. You seem like there's, I don't know, I'm getting a vibe of like something. He has a dick tattoo. Yeah. Why would you get a dick tattoo? Is that true? You really do have a dick tattoo?

No I feel like nothing you say is true Is your mom really here tonight? No Everything's a lie She's watching though Everything's a weird lie with you What do you do for work?

I work at Lockheed Martin It's the plant I know what Lockheed Martin is What's the plant that... I know what Lockheed Martin is. Heck yeah. What do you do there? I can't say. Oh, wow. Look at you. What a little douchebag you are. Fuck you, man. What do you do for fun? Tell us something about you that's

real, Anthony. I do jujitsu. What else? I do stand-up comedy. Do you? No. What else other than stand-up comedy and jujitsu? Tell us something. Like, you seem like a cool guy, right? You seem like you have arm tattoos.

Your clothes fit. You got brand-new, nice, clean shoes. You got gel in your hair. Your facial hair is perfect, right? You try hard. So stick with me over here, Anthony. I can tell you already have some fucking weird answer that you think is gonna work right now like some type of like weird fucking political debate that we're not having but no I haven't I'm in the middle of asking you a question you fucking look at me Anthony all right I'm not your car washing father in Malawi Ohio okay you look at me in my goddamn eyes when I'm talking to you. Ohio, okay?

You look at me in my goddamn eyes when I'm talking to you. So what I'm saying is you seem like you have yourself put together, but also like you sort of fucking try, right? Like you know what's cool. You know you want to be cool. Tell us something uncool about you. Not jujitsu and stand-up and what you can't talk about at Lockheed Martin. I'm talking about like – Well, I know it looks like I'm doing a fashion statement up here, but I'm not.

I just can't find pants that fit. You did the fucking thing that you wanted to do the whole time. Instead of answering the question that I specifically, I tried to save you there. Did you hear that silence that you just got? No, that's not the answer, sir. Okay, I'll start, and then you go. What's happening here? Okay, Aubrey, you go first. Okay, I wet the, and then you go. What's happening here? Okay, Aubrey, you go first.

Okay, I wet the bed on a weekly basis. There you go. There's Aubrey confessing something uncool about himself. Your turn. I'm not that cool. Yeah, so tell us what's not cool about you, Anthony. Well, everything. I don't know.

I just don't like to say that I'm cool. Like, everyone... Oh, you know what? Let's go to Aubrey for another uncool thing so maybe you'll understand how this works a little bit. Aubrey, go ahead. Yeah, sometimes I poop blood and wonder if I'm dying on the inside. There you go. There's another one. You see how easy it is? It's just something that you think

that you don't want to share, but you might be surprised at the reaction that you get, like, because it's comedy. Well, let's see. I haven't had a solid shit in six years. No, no, no. See? This is the road that we can't go down. You can't compare

poops and shit like that. You just came down with a case of the red bands here where you heard a poop reference. Now you feel like you have to make a poop reference. There you go. Alright. So it can't be off of Aubrey's thing. So I'm going to get another thing from

Aubrey's that it's like ginger on your little sushi brain and you start from scratch again. But it can't have anything to do with his thing. You have to think of your own thing. It could be anything uncool about you. Because the most uncool thing is you not being able to think of an uncool thing right now. So let's check in with Aubrey one more time. Something uncool about you. Because the most uncool thing is you not being able to think of an uncool thing right now. So let's check in with Aubrey

one more time. Something uncool about Aubrey. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel like a turtle because I am a shell of a person. Okay. See how that's a humbling thing for him to say publicly and he's owning it and the crowd's laughing? Your turn, Anthony. Would you like an

ad shot of espresso? Just pure habits. He's got... and he's owning it and the crowd's laughing? Your turn, Anthony. Would you like an ad shot of espresso? Oh, wow, wow. Just pure habits. He's got... Go ahead, Anthony Fink. Tell us something uncool about you. I have a membership to Gap. Do they really make Gap memberships?

I never use it, but I do have it. Are you lying again? No, I really do. I legit have a Gap membership. Do you have it on you? No. What's a Gap memberships? I never use it, but I do have it. Are you lying again? No, I really do. I legit have a gap membership. Do you have it on you? No. What's a gap membership? You get, like, gap points.

Do you see how the audience is laughing at that? That's funny. Do you see their reaction to that compared to everything else you did here tonight? I'm telling you. I can see what you're doing. I can see what your thing is. And I'm telling you, you've got to surprise these people because you already, you're talking about,

hey, I got a dick tattoo, and you already, you know, you look like that fucking fake James Dean porn star guy. Like, it's just like, you're already slimy, and you're talking about, like, slimy shit. We want to hear the opposite end, like you have a fucking Gap membership, and you don't even fucking know what it does or how you got it. You just woke up one morning and because you look like you do, it appeared under your pillow.

The Gap fairy crawled into your window because you have reached that level of douchebaggery and put a Gap membership. You see how funny it is? It's true. Sometimes I penetrate a dog's mouth with my finger uh just to look into the whites of their eyes see go ahead try try one more to see can you top that i don't know if you can top that we're gonna keep it moving anthony take take the note that i give you some people complain sometimes that i don't give notes but i give them notes this is a powerful fucking note i'm giving you that thing that you pretended like you didn't

know that you had to dig out about the Gap membership. You were working honest beats there. It's all right there for the taking. Find the uncool things about you because it's counteractive to what you appear to look and sound like. And that's what makes things funny. Sometimes I shave my face with a

woman's razor just to feel sexy. There he goes, Anthony Fink. Thanks, guys. Anthony Fink. He's been doing it six months. Back from Bethlehem. All right, you guys having fun out there? All right, make some noise for your next comedian, Logan Cleave.

Logan Cleave. Get you a step back from that ledge, my friend. Logan Cleave, everybody. Oh, shit. Okay, so I went to a barbecue last weekend. Yeah. My friend, his aunt walked past. I'm like, dude, she was pretty hot.

He was like, you wait till her daughter shows up. Don't worry. She's 17. It's legal. It's legal. I got a bunch of crazy people in my family old racist people that's the best

they say some wild shit and then they cover it up like oh sweetie I'm just from a different time um I got a really nerdy friend and if there was a manual on how to masturbate he'd have read that yeah wow heck yeah Logan Cleave yeah wow heck yeah

Logan Cleve why are you looking at me like that I'm really scared you're really scared yeah why are you scared you should be on the high of your life I mean you just won the women's soccer championship.

I have shit in my pants. You look like Ronda Rousey's younger sister. You look like if He-Man was a She-Man. It's funny that you said you have racist relatives because you look like Andrew WKKK. I don't even know who that is. I bet you don't. Giddy up. Giddy up, little cowgirl.

Look at you. Hell yeah. So how long have you been in a Leonard Skinner cover band? I don't even know what to say to that. I bet you don't. How long have you been in Hanson? Yeah. Wow, look to that. I bet you don't. How long have you been enhancing? Yeah. Wow.

Look at that. Whoa. All right. Let's get back to the heartbreak kid over here, Shawn Michaels. Enough with the sweet chin music. Let's get back to this fucking. Look at this guy. He can't even help himself.

Fucking Fabio's grandson over here. My God, what are you? Are you a real Texas guy? Fuck yeah, bro. West Texas. West Texas. It's like, I want to think this is a man, but this might just be a really

tough Texas woman. You know what I mean? Like a really badass, like, you got it, Tony. I just say that I'm a man now. I was sick of defending myself. Hell yeah, dude. So, Logan, tell us more about,

how long you been doing stand-up comedy? First time ever. Thank God. Very good. Logan Cleave. Very good. You have a great look for it,

but I could tell that was your first time. Either that, or you're one of the worst comedians of all time. That wasn't your first time. Either that or you're one of the worst comedians of all time. That wasn't your first time. So, wow. Logan, welcome, welcome.

What do you do? Are you the guy that gives out memberships to The Gap? No, I work at a country club. Yeah? Nothing. I mow grass, fix sprinkler heads. It's really bullshit. Do they make you work out there in the fields with your shirt off?

Is it that kind of? Oh, wow. Look at that. Oh, my God. He's got the red, white, and blue. That's a real goddamn American right there. Logan, you ever been to fucking? Logan, over here, you son of a bitch.

Wait, what did I just look at? What happened over there? What did I miss? I don't understand. His tan line. So Logan, how long have you lived in Haltom City? Okay, that reference did not work

at all. You're from White Settlement? Okay. Oh, that one was better. Alright, good. Heck yeah. I have a question. How long have you been using shoestrings as belts? Ever since I was poor. So, yeah.

Oh, you didn't have to turn that around on me like that. Wow. How do you feel now? You know, I'm still working at Starbucks. All right, all right. You guys settle down over there. Logan, stop bullying the barista. So tell us about you. What do you do for fun?

You're out there in the fucking wild country of West Texas. You got hair flowing in the tractors. I don't do shit, man. I work. Play video games. Yeah. What else? Smoke a fuck ton of weed.

You do? Oh, my goodness. Smoke weed at work. It's the best thing about it. You smoke weed while working at the country club? Well, you could be using some of that weed money on belt money. Wow. Look at that.

So don't come at me like you're poor. I work nine to five every day of the week. 90 hours a week. Damn. Aubrey a week. Damn. Aubrey's laying it down. Wow. If you come at me again, I will murder you right here in the store. Okay.

Oh, my goodness. Logan, you have a girlfriend? Oh, fuck no. Oh, fuck no. What is that? Horrible love life. Horrible love life? Really?

Yeah. How horrible is it? How horrible can it possibly be? It's like 70% of your audience, I'm a virgin. Really? Yep, yep. Get the fuck out of here. You're really a virgin?

First of all, if you come at this audience one more time. Yeah. Why do you keep making fun of the crowd? I get my dick wet on the regular whenever it's outside of Starbucks hours, so you take that back right now, okay? Whoa, Aubrey, be careful. I hear it on the show a lot. A bunch of versions coming up.

Yeah. No, that's not really true. Yeah. The Kill Tony crowd is notorious for fucking. He slays it, bro. That guy right there? Yeah. I know him.

He has four kids. Yeah. So, Logan, why do you think you have this problem You're a good looking guy You seem to have a charisma I work too much You work too much I'm not buying that

I trade stocks You trade stocks How successful of a stock trader are you I'm in the green And ain't losing money When you say you're in the green, does that mean you're going to be mowing lawns for the rest of your life? Yeah.

What do you invest in? I use Robinhood and shit. Hey, that's true. We absolutely love Robinhood, and for right now, you can use the promo code KILLTONY and sign up for a Robinhood account here. So, Logan, let's get back to this love life thing that you're avoiding, and you're not doing

a very good job at it. So Logan, tell us why you think it is that you have a problem because I mean obviously there's dating apps. You can't work every day and night.

I'm not buying it. Like a belt and you. I'm not buying it. Well, where I live is I live in a small town of like a thousand people. Yeah. Ain't no Tinder in that bitch. Ain't no Tinder in that bitch.

Ain't no Tinder in that bitch. Ain't no Tinder. Wow. That sounds like a fucking. Yeah, but there has to be one. Sounds like a goddamn Mikey Pyrex album. Ain't no Tinder in that bitch. You definitely have like a local whore, you know, that everyone passes around, right?

You can't fuck the watering hole girl. Are you the watering hole girl that he's talking about? Hey, bend her over. She's got a butthole. Just ignore that dangly shit. I'm on the other side of the hole. What? I'm on the other side of the hole.

I don't know what that means. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Logan? High school. High school? Are you fucking serious? Really? I told you, bro. I just work. I don't do shit. High school? Are you fucking serious? Really? It's been since high school? I told you, bro. I just work. I don't do shit. High school? Let me ask you guys something.

Is there one woman out there that would be willing to give this guy a fucking kiss? There must be one girl here in Fort Worth. This guy hasn't had a kiss since high school. Can we get a girl to come plant a wet one on this guy? Is there someone coming here? Give me that microphone. Logan, hand me that microphone. Give me this fucking thing.

You pucker up, little buttercup. You put that hair. You stand right over here. Stand right there. Hello. How are you, sweetheart? What's your name? Mary Jane. Hi, Mary Jane. Aren't you the cutest? What's your name? Mary Jane.

Hi, Mary Jane. Aren't you the cutest fucking little thing in the world? She's fucking hot. Look at this goddamn little Texas Amy Winehouse-looking angel pie. Wow. Would you be willing to give this little rock star a kiss? He hasn't had a kiss since high school. Will you plant a wet one on this guy?

Show him how to be a man? I will give him a kiss since high school. Will you plant a wet one on this guy? Show him how to be a man? I will give him a kiss. Wow, look at that. Let's do it. Go right ahead. Fort Worth, this shit's about to go down. He doesn't know what to do. Get in there. Get in there.

Can I just say, Logan I just say, Logan, Logan, you gotta put a, you can't just go. Logan, that's not how this works, all right? Don't let your fucking boner block you from fucking, open your mouth a little bit and give this girl the type of kiss that you see in a real movie. Come on. This is fucking Texas. She liked it. She was surprised there. Was that a good kiss?

It was all right. It was all right. Definitely far from the worst I've ever had I love it My goodness did you sign up to do 60 seconds here tonight I was too scared to No it's okay You stole the show in your own way

You were too scared to sign up For a stand up But you'll kiss a stranger on stage That was before I had a few drinks I mean alright Wow you're a fucking little rock star I love the Yelp review you gave his kids. Hey, it was all right. My goodness.

Well, thank you so much for doing that. Your name one more time? Mary Jane. Put your hands together for Mary Jane, ladies and gentlemen. What a sweet little fucking thing. Look at her. I haven't had a kiss in a couple days.

She's adorable. Thank you. You were at last night's show at her. I haven't had a kiss in a couple days. She's adorable. Thank you. You were at last night's show, too. I was. Heck, yeah. You are absolutely adorable. How about one more time for Mary Jane, everybody? There she goes.

And there goes Logan Cleave, everybody. There they go, guys. We'll see you guys after the show. Mary Jane's hot. There they go. Two of the most beautiful girls in Fort Worth here. Absolutely amazing. We're making dreams come true here tonight.

Logan Cleave, you got to open up your playbook, homie. You should be slaying all the puss around here. This fucking guy walking around looking like the top half of a centaur. I can't seem to get any ladies to like me. It's like, Jesus. Like, oh, I can't seem to get any ladies to like me. Or. It's like, Jesus. Or he's one of the biggest players ever, you know? Like, he just wanted a kiss.

He knew what was going to happen. He just gave poor little Mary Jane mouth chlamydia. All right. Wait, she's like, I already got that shit. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jason McAdam, everyone. Jason McAdam.

Motherfucking Fort Worth, Texas. Here he is, everybody. Hello. Prepare to be underwhelmed. I mean, you can't really beat seeing love a true... Oh, you fucked up. Alright. I got a problem with Olive Garden. They claim they have unlimited You can't really beat seeing love a true... Oh, you fucked up. All right.

I got a problem with Olive Garden. They claim they have unlimited breadsticks, but if that's the case, then I'd like to know why I can only fit five in my ass. Easier than I thought look at that alright I lost my virginity to a paraplegic girl when I was 13 years old

and I know that's probably too young to be having sex but apparently I was pretty good because she couldn't feel her legs when I was done. I hear a lot of moaning and groaning, but honestly, that's kind of better than laughter, in my opinion. Wow, there you go, Jason McAdam. Hell yeah. Jason McAdam.

Dirty bastard. Young dirty bastard. Look at you. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm pretty good. This is very exciting to have a smushy version of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Smushy? Yeah, smushy. This guy looks like a pile of mashed potatoes. But you have a little fucking little nose ring. It offsets all the masculinity about you. It's very like, hey, look, I'm a nice guy after all. Look at the middle of my nose. Gone.

First time doing stand-up, Jason? This is my fourth time on stage. Fourth time ever on stage. The first three you were singing Tool at a karaoke bar? No. It was a couple months ago. It was a couple months ago.

Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm a caseworker. Caseworker. Yeah. Process benefits for like welfare benefits like food stamps, Medicaid, stuff like that. Wow. Look at that.

Hell yeah. We got some fans of food stamps now. A lot of poor people love you. Heck yeah. That's cool. Do you really use your virginity at 13 to a paraplegic? Yes. That's really true.

Very, very true, yeah. She couldn't run away or anything. How did that happen? That's kind of the point. How does that go down? Was that like her idea? Yeah, it actually was. Yeah.

And she's just laying there and she's like, Hey, spread my legs and put your dick in me. Like that? There was a lot of figuring out, but that's kind of how it worked, yeah. Fingering out? Is that what you call it? Getting her... Did you have to lube it up? Was she able

to produce sexual... I don't know. I don't know if it was technically from the waist down because it was... I mean, it got the job done. Everything worked the way it was supposed to. Did you use a condom? No. Wow, look at you.

Just fucking raw-dogging paraplegics, man. Good God, this guy's out of control. Given the chance of a little fucking one-legged baby to be made. That's how it happens. If you get a paraplegic pregnant, your baby comes out with one leg. Do not shake your head no at me, lady. This is a scientific fact. You have a one-legged baby if you get a paraplegic pregnant and your baby comes out with one leg? Do not shake your head no at me, lady. This is a scientific fact. You have a one-legged baby if you get a paraplegic pregnant.

No condom with a paraplegic girl is like no sleeve on a Grundy coffee. Yeah. You might get burned. So, Jason, you lost your virginity. I mean, look at that. What a difference one bucket pool makes, right? This fucking guy looks like what he looks like, right? This is why Jason Voorhees wore the hockey mask, by the way.

This is what was underneath. And then you have a guy that looks like fucking Logan. He hasn't kissed a girl since high school. Just goes to show, Logan, go fuck more paraplegic girls. They're out there for the taking, laying around, waiting for it.

Yeah, where did you meet her? Was it like after the car accident or did you meet her like? Yeah, technically after car accident. What was it?

Did she go off the high dive at Burger Lake? No, it was car accident. She was like five, I think, or something like that.

Wow, she was five years old driving a car. That's crazy. Must have been a Fisher-Price. Wow. And how long did you spend with her? Just that one night? It's hard to do a one-night stand with somebody that only sits.

It's a one- stand Rest of life Lay down Alright Were you ever with her after that? Did you ever date? Did you ever roll her into prom or anything like that? No Yeah I mean we dated for a few months It was the only time we really hooked up

I guess Did she lean on you? Sorry Did she lean on you a lot? I mean, I guess, sure. Wasn't that what that was? Oh, that was Stand By Me. Yeah.

That's so funny. I'm like, wait a second, why is he looking it up again? Oh, it's because it's a different song. If you fuck one that can't move and shoot your splooge all right that's enough i'm off timing here brian pauses and plays again and see if he gets so jason uh what's something else that we should know about you when you're not working cases for poor people or fucking uh chicks that uh you know the rest of that uh i'm a musician yeah what do you play uh i play a few different things

uh-huh do you sing no really not at all what one thing i don't do yeah not the one thing the one thing the biggest thing i don't do right you. Not the one thing. The one thing that you don't. The biggest thing I don't do. Right. You play all the other instruments. Yeah, I'm not like everything. I mean, I play guitar, bass, and drums. Wow. Look at you.

There you go. Would you like to have a chunky white guy drum off? The first ever of its kind? No, I'm kidding. He's got an iPad. Yeah. So, Jason, anything else interesting that we should know about you? Any fun facts about you?

Not that I can think of, really. You ever set a record for anything or almost win a contest in something? I was on Jay Leno once. Yeah? What did you do on Jay Leno? I mean, I wasn't like a guest, but I was part of a video that got pretty popular. Oh, yeah? And he made a joke about it and played it. Oh, boy, look at that guy.

He looks like a pile of mashed potatoes. What was the video? It's called Captain Awesome Stunt Fail or something like that. What did you do in it? I shot a firework at a guy. Wow, look at you. My goodness.

Was this before or after Jackass? Way after. Wow. Can we talk about the logic of the Olive Garden joke? That made no sense at all, right? I wrote an entire paragraph of notes after you said that. I have written here, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? How do you actually fit five breadsticks in your asshole?

Is that condensed? Do you smush them together to make one hard breadstick? Or is your asshole so loose in this joke world that five breadsticks just stay fluffy and are inserted all at the same time? I'm trying to picture

exactly so that I know exactly what I'm thinking about. Well, fortunately, they use a lot of olive oil in the vinaigrette. Wow. Look at you. It's a good pepper. Are we talking about the paraplegic girl again?

No. Yeah, but it makes sense. You said that it's unlimited breadsticks, but you can only fit five in your ass, which makes no sense at all. You know that, right? Right. Yeah, it's not using great logic. And even if you did fit five in your ass at Olive Garden, if you're like, more breadsticks, man, they'd be like, right away.

Well, see, that's part of the problem, you'd think. But no, yeah, that's my other problem. That's really just five before they kick me out, before they made me leave. Uh-huh. Before they kick you. So you're saying that a waiter would allow one insertion? All right, over there. But no more after that. I'm keeping an eye on you over there, buddy.

You got three breadsticks in your b-hole over there, okay? If you do two more, then hit the bricks, mister. But four when you're here, you're family. It's true. It's true. It's unbelievable. You know? My goodness. How many breadsticks do you actually think

you can fit in your ass, Jason? Probably one. Yeah, at least one. Does Hyena serve breadsticks here? How many you want to see Jason shove a breadstick up his ass tonight? If you put a breadstick in your butt, you win.

Alright. There he goes. Jason McAdam, everybody. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. Hell yeah. From that ledge, my friend. That was actually Numb by Linkin Park, because that's how I feel. Wow. I couldn't even tell.

I don't know why. It doesn't even matter how hard I try. That's in the end. You literally mix up the lyrics to every song. Oh, that's okay. My Link literally mix up the lyrics to every song it's okay my Lincoln Park fanmanship only existed before they died

and by they I mean the one guy and by by I mean I don't give a fuck put your hands together for John McMillan everybody John McMillan yeehoo here we go Fort Worth here he is John McMillan, everybody. John McMillan. Yee-hoo! Here we go.

Fort Worth. Here he is. Come on, one more time, good and loud for John McMillan, everybody. Children of divorce are the whiniest people of all time. Oh, my parents broke up when I was four. I don't like Martha. She's not my real mom. Shut up.

I don't have any sympathy for these people, man. Porn has showed me all the best sides of having a stepmom. Some people like shoving gerbils up their ass. We call them investment bankers. Meanwhile, some of you are struggling to get, like, head from your wife. You know, my thing, I like women with really long nails. Because it's, like, so sexy just seeing them struggle getting a debit card off a flat surface. Oh, Martha, you whore.

Struggle. Struggle. The only difference between guns and condoms is that people use guns more. Hell yeah. John McMillan. Fuck yeah. Hi, John. How are you? Welcome, welcome.

I'm feeling good, Tony. I love it. Have you been on this show before? Not at all. Oh, okay. I feel like I've seen you before somewhere. You ever been to the Comedy Store in LA? Nope. Nope. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years now. About two years. All here in Dallas?

No, I'm actually, I drove from OKC to do this. Kansas City? Wow, the crowd goes crazy. Kansas City? No, OKC, Oklahoma City. Oh, OKC. The state where everybody thinks we just ride horses and chase tornadoes.

What do you do? What do you do in Oklahoma City? I just have a job at a restaurant. Caribbean food. Oh, nice. Yeah. Ja man.

I'm an employed black man. Yes. I love it. I love it. Heck yeah, that makes sense. It's 2019. You got this. I love it.

I love the porn stepmom joke. Everything's fun. How old are you, John? I'm 28. 28. Fuck yeah. What else do you. Everything's fun. How old are you, John? I'm 28. 28. Fuck yeah. What else do you do in life? What else do you like to do?

We met your girl. Just like everybody else here, I do music too on the side. Oh yeah. We met your girlfriend four years earlier on the show. She talked about it. You are Mikey Pyrex, correct? You know what's fucked up about that? Whenever she said that, I was like, yo, that sounds like a fire rap name.

I would listen to that. Yeah. Mikey Pyrex. What type of music do you do? I rap, I produce, I sing a little bit. Heck yeah. Yeah. Is there somewhere we can find your music?

Yeah, Spotify, Apple Music, all that stuff. The project is called Teflo Dollar. T-E-F-L-O? Yeah. D-O-L-L-A-R? Yeah, there's just a space in between. A space between. So you cover Dave Matthews.

Yeah, that's my thing. You played violin for him at one point, didn't you? That's a weird reference that would work better anywhere other than Fort Worth, Texas. Literally anywhere else in the country. Boom. They're like, huh, huh, huh, huh. I'll tell you what. That reference works well in Starbucks.

Yeah. I'll tell you. Tefalo Dollar. Here's a little Motel Wakanda. Oh, shit. This is actually my most popular song. Really? Go ahead.

Play it. Well, let's hear some of it. I got 4,000 streams, bitches. I'm trying to get the Kill Tony bump. Wow. Let's get it. Look right here. I got 4,000 streams, bitches. I'm trying to get the Kill Tony bump. Wow. Let's get it. Look at this. Motel Wakanda.

Here he is from the great Teflon. Teflon dollar. Wow. This is interesting. Hey, you're web hosting, Bill? Let's see what happens here. There we go. I guess.

Uh-oh. I made the beat, too. You going to rap along with it or something? Oh, shit. No, that's a lot of pressure. Should I? If you want to. No.

God damn it. No. No. Or you could just. Oh, for that. No. Just listen. Hey.

Because my swag is too ill for that. I might send a bill for that. And when they get that invoice, it's going to be more than a bill for that. In a top spot, I might kill for that. A little blood, I might spill at that. Hold on, I'm going to stop you for just one second. I got to just say say you're unbelievable can i i want to do something fun though because i'm watching i'm watching my friend here bob his head listening to your music watching you and i just think you guys would make the best like music video together will you come up here and and and and you keep you keep rapping

but you just look out in the audience and do exactly what you were doing before. Just enjoy yourself. Go ahead, yes. Go right ahead. I'm savage as all they come. I hope that you found yourself where you met me because we're breaking all the rules, dog.

Soccer boy and rule boy. Someone trying to drag me. Bitch, I am not RuPaul. Pocket watchers, ooh. Ah, life's a bitch, a rude boy. Mama trying to drag me. Bitch, I am not RuPaul. Pocket watches, ooh, ah. Life's a bitch, we screwed up. Wow. This is fucking unbelievable. I could watch this literally for the rest of my life.

Hell yeah, I like your style. He called himself Salt-N-Pepa. I like that. Oh, my God. Instant. Everybody's phones are out there. I got to have my friends see what kind of party I'm at tonight. Putting this on the TikTok.

Just a fucking white guy. A little motel Wakanda from Teflon Dollar featuring your name again? Billy what? Billy Cox. I bet it is, you son of a bitch. Wow. Do you perform live a lot with your music? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do a lot of shows at OKC. I did like one show in Seattle, a couple shows here in Texas, but I mostly play in OKC. Very cool, man. Well, we love it. Great, great fun stuff comedy-wise and fucking great performance.

There he is. John McMillan, everybody. Hell yeah. There he is. John McMillan, everybody. Hell yeah. Mighty Jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. One more time for Teflon dollar, John McMillan.

Let's do something a little bit fun. You know, I remember you from Houston. Your energy up here right now was incredible. I want to see 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return of Billy Cox. Here we go. Here he is. Hello, everybody.

A lot of talk about gender these days. Everybody has a different definition. I personally identify as androgynously ambidextrous. I can throw like a girl with either hand. So I was starving yesterday, and I went out to my nearby firehouse subs. But it had burned down. So to kill time in line, I was reading Reddit,

and I read the most amazing fact that every week in China, 300,000 babies are born, and the vast majority of them are Asian. I guess that goes to prove two Wongs don't make a white. Thank you. Thank you. Wow.

Billy Cox. You got one more? You want to do it? Yeah. Alright. He's asking for an encore performance. Like many of you out there, I did a lot of drugs at high school. I would have sex in the parking lot at noontime. God, I miss substitute teaching. Oh.

You son of a bitch. Billy Cox, look at you. My goodness. Thanks, everybody. One of the best performances of the night. And in the history of this show, you are by far one of the funniest grandmothers we've ever had on this show. That was your joke in Houston. I said that to you in Houston, really?

Wow. Wow. You bring it out in me. That was Jeremiah's father in Houston. Oh,, really? Wow. Wow. You bring it out in me. There's something just... I was Jeremiah's father in Houston. Oh, you were? Yeah. What did you guys do?

How do we know that? He just thought I looked like... Oh, yeah. He had a different haircut back then. That's Jeremiah had that haircut

just a couple months ago. Yes. Heck, yeah. I was there when he was born. He didn't want to come out, so the doctor reached in and grabbed him by the nose and pulled him out. Oh!

Hell yeah. My son. That doctor pulled hard. Wow. Billy motherfucking Cox, you are the dragon slayer here tonight. I'm glad that you're here, Billy. So remind us,

how old are you? 67. 67 years here, Billy. So remind us, how old are you? God, I forgot. 67. 67 years old, everybody. Heck yeah. And you're from which part of Texas? Houston. Houston.

So you made the drive up here today. Oh, yeah. For this. That is so cool. Five hours. Five hour drive. Wow. Well worth it.

Heck yeah. How many Werther's Originals did you go through on that five hour drive? Good question. You actually thought about it for a second before you laughed about it. One, two, three. My goodness. So Billy, remind us of what you've done in your life of 67 years. I worked for record labels my whole life, so I worked with a lot of different bands,

from Elton John to U2 to Slipknot. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Wow. That's so cool. So that was fun. I was doing promotions, setting up after-party gigs, doing meet-and-greets, getting them on the radio station to play. Wow. Will you help us organize our meet and greet

after tonight's show? Sure. Great. Yeah, that's incredible. A little fun fact for you. The great and powerful Texas' very own Ryan J. E-Belt is sitting right there underneath that light. Made the trip out. The actual house artist is drawing tonight's episode in his hometown. And he also drew a poster that we'll be selling after the show tonight just for Texas. If you get one, we'll sign them for you. We'll take a picture with you, all that good stuff.

And it's going to be extra fun because now our meet and greet is going to be organized by the same guy that did Elton John's meet and greets. Who, too? Slipknot. Our new Meet and Greet guy, Billy Cox. He also does Meet and Greets at Walmarts at this age, right? I love it. Billy, you got a wife, a husband. What are we talking about over here?

I've been divorced about five years after 35 years of marriage and it's heavenly. Yeah. You must have been sick of her after 35 years, right? We were sick of each other, so it was a great split. She got the beach house, I got the house.

I love it. Great deal. What do you like to do now that you're free? My separation did not go smoothly. Oh, it's a long story. It's a long story. So, I mean, fuck, not Aubrey. So, Billy, what's one of the main guilty pleasures that you have now that you're alone for the first time in 35 years?

It's called dabs. Dabs? Get the fuck out. I did not see that coming at all. Holy shit. Bape pens. Bape pens, absolutely. There's a new pot, a new joint.

It's moon rocks in a joint. It's called caviar. Oh, my God. You're the coolest fucking guy in this whole party tonight. Look at you. Thank you. You're not too. 67-year-old fucking badass.

Dabs. Look at you. I can't even do dabs. I can't even hang with you. Not to year old fucking badass dabs. Look at you. I can't even do dabs. I can't even hang with you. Yeah. Not to sit on a couch because you can fall over. Oh, yeah. Heck yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to sit. I don't touch those dabs. You're like you're like the Bill Nye of drugs. Did you know if you're smoking reefer, you can actually fall over, kids? He's Bill

High. Wow. So Billy Cox, that is so fucking cool. 35 years and now you're divorced. You've been taking your for hims. You jerk off regularly. What are we talking about? I found a category of porn that he's never seen.

What is that category of porn? It's called time stopped. Have you seen this red band? I like how he knows his audience and goes, have you seen this red band? It's like a regular guy with a beautiful girl in a room. Regular guy with a beautiful girl? What room. Regular guy with a beautiful girl.

Yeah. And she what? She doesn't what? What nothing to do with him. All right. So he'll come out. He's got some kind of contraption. And he freezes her and then he fucks her and she can't move.

He freezes her. Yeah. And he's like this. Have his way with her. Oh my God. Are you serious? They call it time stop? I didn't know it had a name.

They used to be called rape is what it was called. Where a guy tries to stop time. Rape stop. Jesus Christ. Just fucking back to the future. The rape edition. Hey, get into my DeLorean. Yeah, let's check in with Aubrey.

I think this audience would really like to know when was the last time you kissed a woman? Whoa, there you go. Because we have a girl named Mary Jane here tonight. That is a good question. Billy, have you kissed a girl since your divorce? Yes, but I haven't had sex with one, so Mary Jane wants to come up. All right. I think Mary Jane wants to come up. All right.

I think Mary Jane is up for it. This guy's getting greedy now. He's like, I saw where the steaks were earlier. Let's raise them. Well, I have kissed a woman, but I haven't bareback analed anyone today. Is there a woman in the house tonight You stop it Aubrey That would like to kiss Billy Cox

Ladies and gentlemen Aubrey Aubrey Aubrey Aubrey what are you thinking If a woman would come up right now I will kill myself On this stage

I've been waiting for the right opportunity let's go this is what Aubrey we already did that this episode if we're gonna do anything then we should have a woman if we were gonna do anything what we would do is we would have a woman come up here and for our own entertainment

we would reenact we would have him kiss a girl but we would have to do a time stop version you're a good wingman thank you act, we would have him kiss a girl, but we would have to do a time-stop version. That's great. You're a good wingman. Thank you. Thank you. You're going to need a wingman when you're being carried to heaven very soon.

Oh my God. Come on. But I mean, poor Mary Jane over there. I mean, I don't know. There's probably not a... Wait, what? She said she volunteers at Tribune.

Don't do it! All right. Okay, this is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. The new Fort Worth Queen of Kill Tony, Mary Jane, is back. I'm so jealous. I need to quit the show. I asked this guy what he fucking loves, and he said dabs, vape pens, and we're finding out that he loves everything that has to do with Mary Jane here tonight.

Yeah. Because, my goodness, today's episode is sponsored by 4hymns.com. Clearly, Billy Cox is hard as a rocks right now. So let's do it. Let's have some fun here. You know what? I'm going to come out from behind this table. You got to stop it. You have a time stop.

I'm going to, yeah, we have to do this time stop style. So here's how we're going to do it. I'm going to direct this little short for us, alright? So when I say action, you're going to hit on her, right? And then the crowd's going to laugh because it's going to be

funnier than they think it's going to be. And then I'm going to hand the mic to you, but you have to, I'm's going to be funnier than they think it's going to be. And then I'm going to hand the mic to you, but you have to. I'm not going to hand it to you. I'm just going to hold it in front of you. You have to sort of reject him. You have to be like, I'm sorry, you can't have me, old man, or something like that. But in your own your own special way. And then you we need a we need a like a you could use my phone. I'm going to pull out the actual stopwatch app. Here we go. I'm starting the clock.

Now, your time is rolling. And it's going to go a little something like this. And then you stop the time, right? Here, you want to hold on to it? Sure. You hold on to that, but sort of point it towards the but when you stop the time you need to sort of go like this so the crowd can see it like that

like that okay so here we go ladies and gentlemen this is the first ever kill Tony time stop hey red do you have a grandfather's fetish? I told you it was going to be funnier than you expected. Hold on, I'm trying to think of something clever. No, you're good.

What if I do? What? Wait, no, that's not your character You have to reject him God, you are a dirty little girl This is unbelievable You have too much skin for that Whoa Alright, what do you got there? Stop

Oh, you just stopped the time So what happens now? Now, you freeze. You have to freeze. That sounds a lot like date rape. You have to freeze. He's going to kiss you. That sounds a lot like date rape.

Okay, well, if you say that, then it's weird. It was already weird. Okay, just say that Kill Tony is not responsible for anything that happens here. Kill Tony is not responsible for any of the actions or repercussions that happen here tonight. Thank you. She said that way too many times in her life.

She recited that like her Miranda rights. Alright, time has stopped. I plead the fifth. Oh shit, have you ever plead you're about I plead the fifth. Oh, shit. Have you ever plead... You're about to plead the 65th right here. I thought it was 67th.

No, it is, but my thing was funnier. You have to repeat, like, comedically. It has to have, like, sort of the same sound for it to work. You're going to learn all this when I move you in with me and my wife. No, just kidding. Time stop. Okay. You're frozen, though.

You have to be frozen. Yeah, you have to be frozen. Haven't you ever time stopped before, you fucking little firecracker? All right. Here we go. Time has stopped. Billy, plant a kiss on this girl. Whoa.

Whoa. this girl. Whoa. Uh-oh. She's stuck, Billy. Here, put your lips closer together. All right. She's frozen. Billy Cox already came in his pants,

everybody. Wow. Billy Cox already came in his pants everybody Wow Come here You're a legend Mary Jane everybody Wow It's your birthday

Oh that is your real name No of course it is You're a sweet fucking little thing One more time for Mary Jane guys, the star of tonight's show. This is an unbelievably frightening episode of kill Tony. Uh, I've never seen a young lady get kissed by a pregnant elderly man before.

Um, Billy, you having the night of your goddamn lifetime. Yes. I love your enthusiasm, dude. Well, I wish I would have stopped you before you kissed, or it got weird at that point.

But we all learn things while running shows, you know what I mean? We had the time, we were good at the time stop. We should have ended it there. It got very Jeffrey Epstein at that point. It seemed like there was a little bit of an age gap there. I'm replaying the video. It's terrifying.

Yeah. Please, welcome to another episode of Please Don't Post That. The time stop element made it the creepiest thing ever. Yeah. She voluntarily said she'd kiss him, and then we're like, no, we're going to make this creepier. Don't move. He's going to be the one that makes the move on you. Time stop porn is

going to go up so much in the next couple weeks, man. This whole room's going to look it up. Oh, I know. Absolutely. The Kill Tony bum. Shout out to time stop pornography. Giving the bum to the ones that matter the most.

I want a bump. Wow. You, Billy Cox, are so much fun. Thank you so much for coming on this show again. You are just an absolute goddamn inspiration. Oh, thanks. Thank you, Tony. I love it. There he is, Billy Cox, everybody.

Healthy, having fun at 65. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? You guys excited about this? Yeah! Alright, put your hands together for Saul Fianaca, everybody. Saul Fianaca. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Saul Fianaccia.

I got a call from this guy, Victor, who works for the IRS, and I'm getting $10,000. He called me up and he said, hello, this is Victor with the IRS. I was like, cool. He said, this is the American Revenue Service. And right there I thought something was up,

but I decided to let him keep going. And he said, the reason for our call is to tell you that your account has been gifted one time $10,000 from the IRS. I said, Victor, that's amazing. He went, oh, yes, you're welcome. I said, Victor, I got to ask, though, why me? He said, the reason why the IRS has selected you is because you are a good citizen. You always pay your taxes.

You're not a convicted felon. I said, Victor, let me stop you right there. I said, I am a convicted felon. And I said, I'm also a murderer, and I've killed people. And Victor goes, come on, man, no, you're not. I said, no, no, I'm not, and I don't really believe that you work for the IRS.

He said, I do. He said, I do, I do work for the IRS. I said, if you work for the IRS, answer a question. He said, I'd tell you anything. I said, Victor, what is my name? And he went, oh. Man, your name, piece of shit. And then he hung up the phone.

Wow. Look at that. Saul Fianaka. Sal. That was great. How's it going, Sal? Good, man. Been doing comedy a while?

Three years. Three years. All here in Dallas? Yeah. How old are you? 28. What do you do for work? I work at a hotel.

What do you do at the hotel? I'm the assistant general manager. Wow. My goodness. Look at you do for work? I work at a hotel. What do you do at the hotel? I'm the assistant general manager. Wow. My goodness. Look at you. Thank you. I am also an assistant manager at Starbucks. Uh-oh.

I know your pain. So fun. How long have you worked at the hotel? I've been in hospitality for 10 years. My goodness. Wow. How about other things? What else are you into? You look like you love food. Wow. How about other things? What else are you into?

You look like you love food. Yeah. I actually just lost 60 pounds, though. Really? Really? Yeah, thank you. This shirt's too big. Keto.

Heck yeah. You like it? You enjoy it? For the first two weeks, I had diarrhea. I was calling it the diarrhea diet. Right. I have diarrhea every day i don't know why you guys ever find a dead body at the hotel you ever we did yeah okay a

guy killed himself hung himself on a tree out back one time wow um and then his brother for some reason the next day was like there and he's like i'm gonna chop down that fucking tree and we're like okay like did you chop it down? No, he was just venting. I mean, he was upset. Right. We found a body in a car in the parking lot. And dude, management didn't see it for like a month. And it was summer.

Wow. And it was bad. Oh my goodness. Like beef jerky? You could barely call it a body, bro. It probably smelled worse than one of the breakfast sandwiches a coffee bean whoa throwing digs it a coffee bean out of nowhere my goodness aubrey showing that it's a fucking gangland war over here so sal you've been doing keto for a

while you've lost 60 pounds uh what was your diet like before that? What were you doing? Oh, man. Yeah. Chinese buffet, like a couple times a week. Yeah. I got some buffet buddies here. Is that really? Is that them over there? It's my buffet buddies. It's a bunch of fat guys over there? Yeah. Fuck your Chinese buffet.

Hell yeah. My goodness. So what do you do now to fill in the space of that addiction? I still go. I just don't get the breaded items. I get the pork and stuff like that. How long have you been on keto? How many months?

Like four months. Oh, wow. Isn't that crazy? How long did you last on it before you turned back into a sound Fianaka? Oh, really? How'd it go? It went great, but then I plateaued. I just stopped losing weight.

And then it was like, why am I doing this? They call it a whoosh. If you just wait long enough, you'll lose seven pounds. I lost about 50 pounds. And then I gained it all back immediately when I quit. Red band. I had a hot dog with a bun on the 4th of July. And my pants almost blew up.

Is that true? I felt like I was swelling up. Wow. Yeah, it looks like you still are. I can't imagine what you looked like before. I got stung by a bee. Do you drink on keto? I feel like when you're off sugar, your body

isn't as swollen. That's just how I feel. I'm not a doctor. It's definitely something to that. What was that answer? You're saying Red Band's taking offense at this. What do you do for fun, Sal,

when you're not eating or doing stand-up or working at the hotel? Man, I do a lot of stand-up. Yeah, other than that. Yeah. I had all night to prepare for this part

and I still have nothing. It's really about what you do in an average day. What did you do today when you woke up? I went straight from work here. Okay. When you have a day off, what exactly do you do during the day? What's the first thing you do when you wake up?

I beat off. Really? Immediately? While still laying in bed? Yeah. You're laying there. Do you have an iPad? Really? Immediately? I mean... While still laying in bed? Yeah. You're laying there. What do you have? You have an iPad?

Just my phone. Your phone. And you put it up on your chest? You could probably hold it in your belly button and just go freehand, right? You have one of those fat guy fucking gaping belly buttons? Yeah. One of those things that you could just... You could eat cereal out of that thing.

Oh, yeah. You ever do that? No. Wow. So. You ever do that? No. Wow. So how do you hold your phone when you masturbate? Just one hand for one thing. Left hand. And then what do you do?

You just spit on your right hand? Spit? You just go raw dog? Yeah. Just straight with the hand? It's me. Up and down? You circumcised or uncircumcised?

Circumcised. My dad is, though. Wow, so it's like the only part of you that doesn't have skin hanging off it. That's impressive. It's incredible. Yeah. Wait, he kind of blew by something

while you were talking. He said he wanted to let everybody know his dad is uncircumcised. So let's talk about your dad's pee-pee for a little bit. Yeah, how do you know about that? I saw it when I was a kid. Yeah, how many times?

Like the one time. One time is all it took. Yeah, if you've ever seen one, one time is really all it takes. What did you think it was? A penis? Yeah, just different. Yeah. Alright.

Hey dad, you have a penis, but different. Yeah. Alright. Hey, Dad, you have a penis, but different. It smells. I never asked him about it. You want to call him right now and ask him about it? What would I say? I mean, you could easily just, you call him, you put him

on speakerphone, and you say, Dad, you know, I noticed your penis when I was a kid, and that it wasn't circumcised,phone and you say, Dad, you know, I noticed your penis when I was a kid and that it wasn't circumcised and then you say something like, what was up with that? Right? I'll fucking do it. Alright, do it, dude.

Here, put the phone up to the bottom part and make it really loud. Make sure it's turned all the way up, okay? Dad? Here, put the phone up to the bottom part and make it really loud. Make sure it's turned all the way up, okay? I've got to access my buttons. Dad. Yes? Hey, Dad, I'm on the Kill Tony podcast, and Tony wanted me to call you and ask you how come I wasn't circumcised.

You were. No, wait. How come I was circumcised and you weren't? I'm sorry. Let me rephrase. No, no, no. Let's just take you out of it, wait. How come I was circumcised and you weren't? I'm sorry. Let me rephrase. No, no, no. Let's just take you out of it, Sal. Let's ask your dad about that meat hanger of an uncircumcised penis. Do you love having an uncircumcised penis?

What? What? Hello, this is Aubrey, assistant manager here at Starbucks. I've got your son. And we were all just curious about how come your penis is uncircumcised, sir? Okay, I don't think I'm going to answer that question. Sam? If we do not get an answer, we will hurt your son. I don't think I'm going to answer that question. Sam. If we do not get an answer, we will hurt your son.

I don't know. Sam just called me. You and I are the only people in the world that matter right now, sir. Okay, we need an answer. How come you didn't get cut as a kid? We're very curious. Because I was born in a different country where they did not do that. Hey!

Yeah! Thank you, Mr. Fianaka. We love that. Hell yeah, hang up on him before he calls his mafia buddies And we all fucking die Last thing I need to fucking The father of Sal Fiannaccia

Coming after me That's the truth though These fucking These fucking Motherfucking mutts call me Ask me about my fucking uncircumcised cock Send him down there Where the fuck are they?

Hyenas? Hyenas Send him down there. Where the fuck are they? Hyenas? Hyenas. Send him in the fucking hyenas. He's got fucking fat Sal hostage. It's a good peshy. Am I close to right about that? I do a mean peshy. What does your dad do for work? He retired

from General Motors. Oh, yeah. That's mafia for sure. Waste disposal. Hell yeah. All right, Sal. Thanks for's mafia for sure. Waste disposal. Hell yeah. All right, Sal. Well, thanks for coming on the show. So much fun. So much fun.

I don't know. I just feel like, you know... What? What? You're crazy. How many Lego-ing comedians do good on this show? How many Lego-ing comedians

do bad on this show? Wow. That's pretty strong. I mean, you guys must have had loads of fun here tonight then. I mean, I's pretty strong. I mean, you guys must have had loads of fun here tonight then. I mean, I don't know. I feel like we're just missing something. But you know what?

Let's do something here. There is a guy who's been on this show a couple times before. He became the thing of legends here on Kill Tony because at one point in his life he dyed his eyes black. He's been on this show quite a few times. He's

a very, very scary, interesting character. He said that he wrote a new minute for tonight. He is born and raised in Houston, Texas. He traveled all the way here. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Dexter St. John. Here he is, everybody.

Live in Fort Worth, Texas. Hey, everybody. I'm not suicidal. I'm not suicidal. But I do like to suffocate myself with a belt when I masturbate. So I always keep a note in my pocket in case something goes wrong. This guy knows what I'm talking about. This isn't one of those notes.

I'm sorry. Now that we've all had a few laughs, I need to do my ad read. Dexter St. Jock is brought to you by Steakums. What? They're 100% beef, and it's 100% delicious. Can we legally say either one of those things? Okay, just keep reading.

Got it. What's next? Oh, cool. Dexter St. Jock is brought to you by ShopSquad.com. Go to ShopSquad.com to get the latest Kiltoni and Dusk Squad merchandise. Use the coupon code GOOGLEEYIES to get a free sticker on your first order over $50. Wow. Wow.

The bear is angry, Dexter. That was just as bad as it gets. My God. Let me ask you one more time. How many of you guys like it when comedians do bad on this show? Liars. Liars. Wow.

Dexter, with your glasses on, you look like the father Liars. Wow. Dexter, with your glasses on, you look like the father of Dexter St. Jacques. I bought these at a local bodega. Wow, yeah. Just for the comedic effect of putting on glasses to read that. I can't see shit with these on. When do you think that comedic effect part kicks in?

You're adorable, Dexter. You look like what... I don't know. Dexter, what did you think was going to happen during that ad read part of that set? The beginning went good. You had a note. It would have been funny

if you went with the thing that you were talking about that you had set up completely. You read a note that said something like, hey, it looks like you've caught me at a bad time or something like, clearly I accidentally, whatever, something, fucking anything, you could have written the end to the beginning of the thing that you set up. Yeah, I might revisit that some other time.

All right. But I wanted an excuse to hand the audience a secret note. Uh-huh. Wow, this is some type of escape room that we're all stuck in right now. This is frightening. Well, Dexter, I mean, is there anything else that... Aubrey?

Yeah, can you say anything that doesn't make you look as crazy as you are? Not typically. And I am terrified. What's the most human thing about you, Dexter St. Jock? Okie dokie. Dexter, you gave it another shot. You rode another minute.

Congratulations. That's Dexter St. Jacques everybody we gotta do it we just can't end a show like that you wanna go to this bucket one last fucking time alright this is it though I'm fucking serious no matter what happens

the bucket of destiny will decide I'm digging deep you guys sure one One more time? Alright, this is it. Put your hands together for your final comedian of this Fort Worth Kill Tony goes by the name of Pang Dang.

Pang Dang. I like it. I like it. The name has energy. P-E-N-G D-A-N-G. Pang Dang, everybody. Here we go. The one, the only, Pang Dang. Fuck yeah. Come on, guys. Make some noise for Pang Dang. I'm Peng. I am from China. English is confusing to me sometimes.

Like, I don't understand why certain pants are called leggings, but gloves are not called finger rings. To me, Chinese makes more sense. You know, the Chinese word for gloves is called xiu tao, which literally means hand condoms. And it makes sense to me. That explains why I don't like to wear gloves. Because I can't feel anything. English is cute.

You guys have 26 letters. You made an entire language. And I don't know what kind of weed my ancestors were smoking. But it took them 50,000 characters to make up a goddamn language. You know what that means to us? That means we can never have an alphabet song in Chinese. All right, thank you. Wow, pang dang.

That was great. Thank you, Meng. Look at you. You're unbelievable. Thank you. Are you from here in Texas? I was born and raised in China. I came here a year ago.

Wow. Do you have any younger sisters? Okay, Red Band, why don't you just... You couldn't wait 45 seconds until he was done? We couldn't acknowledge the show format part before you start horning out over there? Do you have any

little sisters that like fucking guys shaped like this? They all do. One child policy. I'm the only kid. Oh, hell yeah. You're the chosen one. Made in China. I like that. Do you fall apart easily?

I'm sorry? Because you're made in China. I asked if you fall apart easily. It's so fun. So you moved here a year ago Because you're made in China, I asked if you fall apart easily. Hey. It's so fun. So you moved here a year ago. It's unbelievable English. Your delivery is so crisp, which clearly comes from Chinese delivery.

How long of a set can you do? My guess is like 30 minutes or less. Another delivery joke. You ever walk anybody in the audience? Oh, gosh. No. I've got a joke question. First off, I really liked your set.

Thank you. And have you ever, I don't know if your joke is longer because you only did a minute, but do you ever try to sing the alphabet song with a lot of... Yes, we hear some of that yes of course yes um so if there ever is a chinese alphabet song you know where that i would play that at a strip club and get a lap dance for that song. That's great. Imagine somebody had to dance to the Chinese alphabet song. Be like... Hey, honey, that's the end of my shift, alright? Amber, you're up next!

Oh my god, it's that Chinese guy again. Stretching it out. Pang Dang's a monster. Heck yeah. Wow. He's a Starcraft. That's incredible. You're like a Dane Cook cooked dog.

Act outs and everything. My goodness. That's incredible. What a fun, fun way to bring this show to a big end. What else should we know about you, Pang Dang? You do any crazy Chinese things here in Texas? that's incredible what a fun fun way to bring this show to a big end what are we what else do we should we know about you pang dang you do any crazy chinese things here in texas what do you like to do for fun uh i skateboard really yes my goodness that's incredible is it uh i've never seen an asian skateboarder before is that do skateboard everywhere? Is that because you caused too many car accidents?

What else do you do other than skateboarding? Just stand-up comedy. You have a girlfriend out here? No. No? Really? You ever make out with a girl named Mary Jane before? I would love to.

You do want to? Is that what you said? Yes. Pang Dang. I mean, we got to do it. Mary Jane, I mean. Pang Dang. Pang Dang.

Pang Dang's about to have a goddamn water park in his underwear right now. Mary Jane, this is the most amazing thing. You guys are really starting to whore me out now. I love it. You're adorable. I'm a software developer. Thank you. Oh, my God. She just said, hold on a second. She just. I'm a software developer. Thank you. Oh, my God. She just said, hold on a second.

She just said she's a software developer. I thought for a second she was about to say she's a sophomore in high school. I was literally about to just fucking light this room on fire and run for my life. Just start running in the direction of California. Like Forrest Gump style. And then that was the end of that part of my life. I had a podcast that was doing pretty good all the way up until then.

Then I had to start anew, became a fisherman out on the Bayou Bay. Turns out I ran the wrong direction, started working in Louisiana. Pang Dang, have you ever kissed an American girl before? Yes, I have. Man, you really know how to work the room. I'm going to ask you again, but this time you say, no, I'm so Chinese.

Hey, Pang Dang. Pang Dang, you've only been here one year. Have you ever kissed an American girl before? No, never. Never. I'm so Chinese, I have you. Well, you know what, Pang Dang? You had a great set.

How about a little kiss from Mary Jane? I'll do this on one favor, and you need to call up my friend, Ruslan Olenek. No. No, we can't do that, Mary Jane. I knew I didn't... I'll tell you this.

I'm going to give your friend a free Kill Tony Ryan J. Abel poster print autographed by the cast after this. But we have to end the show, and there's only one way to end it, and that's by you giving Pang Dang his first American kiss. Mary Jane, do what you do.

Wow. There she is. Mary Jane, everybody. There's Pang Dang. Come on, make some fucking noise for Pang Dang. You did it, Pang Dang. Congratulations. Get back there.

He's at Pang Dang 1. P-E-N-G-D-A-N-G 1. Hey, look, it's Ryan J. Ebelt. Ryan, come take a bow. Come up here. Texas' own Ryan J. Ebelt. Look at that drawing he made tonight. Come see a close-up at the meet and greet after the show that's going to be organized and kept in all one straight long line by the great Billy Cox.

How about one more time? How loud can this place get for Jeremiah Watkins? Reagan Watkins has their new album out now. A new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out now. Reagan Watkins is on tour. They're going to Phoenix, Arizona. It's a big deal.

We're all over the road. When are you guys in Phoenix? July 18th, and then we're in Huntington Beach on the 20th and doing a live Jeremiah Wonders on July 19th at the Pack Theater in L.A. That's right. And also, Jeremiah and I are going to be doing stand-up comedy here for four shows, tomorrow night and the night after that. Four shows, a bunch of new material

and fun stuff and the great Gage Tyrena opening up that show. Gage the Beast Tyrena. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm also doing stand-up comedy by myself in Miami and West Palm Beach coming up in August and September. Red Band's in

San Diego August 17th. Doing a solo show down there, one night only. And fun stuff. Philly is September 25th. Pittsburgh, the 26th for the Kill Tonys, and 26th and 27th in Pittsburgh for stand-up comedy shows that I'll be headlining there. And, of course, Kill Tony Mania in San Francisco,

the return this October. Sacramento just before that. Six Kill Tonys in three days. Fort Worth, we return this October. Sacramento just before that. Six kill Tonys in three days. Yes. Fort Worth, we did it again. I love you guys so much. Thanks, guys. Brian Redband, we love you.

Good night. Good night. Good night.またね。 Outro Musicご視聴ありがとうございました