KILL TONY - KILL TONY #379

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/22/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv for every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And also if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're always on the road. We're going to be July 25th at the Fillmore in Philadelphia. July 26th, we'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv. August 3rd, we're going to be at the Let's Fest in Indiana doing two shows.

We're also going to be at Hyenas in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd. We're also going to be at Hyenas in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd. And The Road to Kill Tony is going to be at the Punchline August 16th. And then August 18th will be Kill Tony Mania 2 at Cobbs in San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for all the latest updates. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own dates doing stand-up. He has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com for posters and merch. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We got hats and mugs. Go shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red bank coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hi, everyone. You guys excited? You're here on a Monday. Guys, come on. Brian Red Band's here. Hi. Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. I'm pumped for this. Very, very exciting stuff.

Welcome, welcome. Good to be here. We were here all week in beautiful Los Angeles, California. And it's an exciting week for us because we do this episode here. And then Thursday, we're at the Fillmore Theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Massive, massive venue. Historical joints. Still some tickets available for that as we come across it.

And then we're in Pittsburgh on Friday with the stand-up show and two more stand-up shows on Saturday. Fort Wayne, Indiana, August 2nd and 3rd. Miami, Florida. Wait, I got that fucking... What did I do there? Oh my goodness. Brian Redband's headlining the American Comedy Company. That's right.

I'm bringing George Perez. It's going to be a lot of fun in San Diego. Hell, yeah. I also have the Ice House show every first and third Friday of the month. We had a couple of people from last week's show. Tokyo Cunt Punch did a show. Yeah. A lot of people showed up to try to get some coupons.

I'm headlining stand-up comedy shows in Miami and West Palm Beach. That's in August and September. We're back in Dallas in October as well as Sacramento and San Francisco. So much fun. Doing the road is very hard and we're both running businesses at the same time

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You know. And I love podcasts. I listen to a lot of them. I really, when I get a chance, just listen to a lot of music. And as you know, we travel a lot. And, you know, everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds. Yes, they're great. Especially now with all the Bluetooth technology.

They're so small. You can put them in your ears. No one even knows you have headphones in. And you have some of the best sounding ones also. Yes, thank you. Absolutely. You son it, yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. You son of a bitch. I have new wireless earbuds from Raycon.

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me, man. We have to start this over. Are we streaming this right now? How many people are watching? Let's start over from the beginning. Come on. Seriously. Honestly, they're comfortable. We got sent a pair this week. They didn't tell us. We. No, no, no. Honestly, they're comfortable. We got sent a pair this week.

They didn't tell us and we're like, wow, free headphones. Wow. And they're amazing though. They're really small. I have the other, I'm not going to say what brand that everyone has.

You see them like hanging out their ears, the white ones. You know, these are so small and you can't see them and they sound way better. But the best thing is those other ones don't have those like pieces. So if you have like, they don't fit in a lot of sound way better. But the best thing is those other ones don't have those pieces.

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Wow. Wow. We all got through that together. We'll take it. We'll do it again in post. We'll get it afterwards. I am so excited about tonight's show. Every single episode, we have one of the funniest comedians in the world.

This is no different, of course. This is the return of one of our absolute favorite guests of all time. You know him from Howard Stern, all of his amazing specials. He's just the best. Make some noise for the great Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. What?

What? Yeah. Hi, Greg. Hey, now. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Nice to see you. Hi, everybody. Best crowds at the comedy store right here on Monday nights. That's right.

I'm glad that you're back everything's good over at uh fitz dog radio yeah we're tearing it up we're tearing it up you know we just uh you know it's a fucking grind it's been 10 years i've done like 750 episodes and uh it's like it's an opportunity to invite people like you and whoever, guys that I like and want to spend time with, sit alone in a room for an hour and just fucking talk.

Nobody interrupts. If you're here, you try to talk and then some guy who did a guest spot 12 years ago in Cincinnati comes up and goes, do you remember me? I'm like, no, I don't. I have no fucking idea who you are.

Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. That sounds rude. That sounds like I don't care about the people that I worked't. I have no fucking idea who you are. Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. That sounds rude. That sounds like I don't care about the people that I work with. I care about all of them. So, as you know, we have a band on this show. Yes. And every single episode, they are crazy.

They commit to being different. How many of you are fans of this show? Yeah. Oh. So you guys all know what I'm talking about here. You know, every episode,

there are different characters. Like in Texas last week, one episode, he was George W. Bush. That was amazing. It was crazy. You never know what they're gonna do,

what they're gonna be. We have no idea. They're in a separate green room before the show. So let's all find out together what they are tonight. Make some noise for the best damn band

in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Wow. We've seen these guys before. No doubt about it.

These are detectives, ladies and gentlemen. I'm positive of this one. The rare 100% guess by me. I am positive. Am I correct? You are a detective? Yeah. Wow.

What's your name? Detective Charles. How you doing? Detective Charles. You went with your first name or is that your last name? Last name. Don you doing? Detective Charles. You went with your first name, or is that your last name? Last name. Don't worry about the first. Okay.

Wow. Very secretive detective. All right. Well, welcome, welcome. Oh. Very jumpy. How about a hand for David Deary, everybody? Look at this guy.

Doing the groundwork. He did a, what kind of jump did you do today? Yeah. I dropped in on a vert ramp. Okay, you dropped in on a vert ramp. Put the microphone down. Nobody told you to grab a microphone. I thought you were just going to say it.

I was going to repeat it. Oh, he did a 1090. All right, there we go. All right. We got, so we have Detective Charles, and who's this young Freddy Krueger man sitting next to? Detective Dick motherfucking Bates. Wow, okay.

All right. I'm writing that one down. Language, Dick, language. Dick motherfucking Bates. And back here, clearly, we have what appears to be a barista at a Wild West saloon back in the 20s. Detective Jack Magnum. Wow.

And you know why. Wait, why? They had Magnum condoms back then? Maybe. Would you like to find out? It's very exciting. His sexuality is still a mystery. And you might need that microscope.

Yes, this is a microscope. God damn you, Speedweaver. There is way too much marijuana in the green room. I know. I'm with you, man. I'm with you. I don't know if you heard our ad read for Raycon earbuds, but you really need to buy a pair. This guy's been smoking the devil's lettuce. All right. So we have the devil's lettuce. All right.

So we have the detectives. We have Greg. We have everything. We have this bucket of destiny here, everybody. This is it. This is where the magic happens. This is where people have the opportunity to do one minute of stand-up comedy, live streaming around the world and on a podcast

and in front of a packed main room at the comedy store. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. So you don't want that to happen because that's a louder, longer noise.

Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of a West Hollywood bear growl before Oh, really? Some people say you're a passive bottom I'm a screaming bottom You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? That's it

Let's do this They get 60 seconds uninterrupted And then we interview them We talk to them about life, find out more about them. We have some real detectives here tonight, so I bet they'll be asking some tough questions. All right.

Here we go. Pull the name out of the bucket. This looks familiar. Put your hands together for Jason Eckstein, or Eckstein, perhaps. Jason Eckstein. I think that's him. Yes, perhaps. Jason Eckstein. I think that's him. Yes, we know Jason.

Here we go. The return of Jason Eckstein. Hey. Know I look like a skinhead on vacation? Like the Klan at a beach day? I've got that I've-been-hit-by-cars, head-injury kind of confidence. I don't really have more than that right now. Because I also smoke too much weed, and it's the first freaking pull of the bucket.

Jesus. I didn't settle in yet. Wow. I've got that, I've been hit by cars, head injury memory, too. I'm just choking more because it's talking to it. Jesus.

That look. Wow. Holy shit. I mean, I didn't know whether to save you or what there. I sort of wanted to just let your concussions do the talking for a little bit.

I just wanted to hear what it's like. A little bit of mushrooms, too. My goodness. Now I'm not familiar with this show. Do you let retards talk into the mics? Jason, how long has it been since the last time you were on this show? You've been on this show a few times.

Yeah, last time Jeff Ross was here, I was up last. Sure. Just got back to L.A. when I did that one. But how long ago was that, if you had to guess? Like maybe a month. Maybe a month ago. So in a month, what do we have, a new 25 seconds? Is that what we're talking about?

No, my problem that I've been trying to solve the last few times I've gotten up is I riff too much. Because I'm trying to... You mean like four seconds, five seconds? I try to go up towards the end and just friggin' talk about whatever's going on in the room.

Because, yeah, I don't have that much material and it takes me a long time to come up with new little bits about myself or whatever. So how would you describe what was going on in the room? Nothing. It was me dying. It was like comedy erectile dysfunction. It just started, and then it just kind of faded away.

Yeah. It happens to me, unfortunately, at times. My goodness gracious. So what do you talk about when you say that you riff? Like, what types of things do you talk about? Give us some highlights of some recent performances that have happened in any of your sets that you've done. Have you gone up anywhere in the past month?

Yeah. So, like, give us some highlights, like, to you. Like, one night I was doing crowd work on this girl that was drinking a milkshake, and I said, what if that's, you know what I mean? If my memory worked that well, then I wouldn't be in this spot. Anything. Is it really that bad?

Because if your memories, if we're talking about. Last night it got really dark. If this is the closest that you would come to a doctor telling you that you shouldn't do this, then maybe this is that moment live. this, then maybe this is that moment live. If your memory is so bad that you remember nothing about anything, then I don't think the hardest thing to do in the world is cut out for you. I consider stand-up

the hardest thing to do. I know some of you wouldn't. I mean. Have you considered maybe a yogurt place instead? Just get a job there, Minchies? What are you doing over there? Clues on this case, who this guy really is.

Can I read these out loud? Yeah, read them. Wow. He just handed me. This is the first time a character on this show has ever done this, for those of you listening. The lead detective, Detective Charles, handed me a little piece of notepaper with notes on this guy. First note just says, retard. The second note says, ZZ slop. It's incredible. It's incredible.

The third says, dehydrated troll. And the fourth one, look at that, white power bottom. I mean, Detective Charles. Very good, very good. This is some incredible police work you've done. Damn.

Jesus. If Detective Charles does any more digging, we'll have a hole to put Jason Eckstein into after his set. Wow. Incredible stuff, Detective. I think you've cracked the case. So, Jason, you've been doing... Like, how often do you do stand-up comedy?

Last week I did 16 spots. 16 spots. My goodness. That story has a hole in it. And what do you remember out of those 16 spots? Give us a highlight, for example. Like what I asked you about like four and a half minutes ago. I talked about frigging dumb shit.

So that's why I'm like, yeah. Do you remember any of it? My problem is this city triggers my anxieties like most people. But I was in Katrina to bring that back, and so I just feel the impending doom. You were in Katrina? This is a girl you met by the airport one night? The hurricane.

The dropping hurricane. She was wet. I was in the Coast Guard. What were you doing in Katrina? You were in the Coast Guard, right? Uh-huh. And what else? Did you save anybody in Katrina?

Our unit took 6,000 people out of New Orleans. No, but did you? Well, that's good. You gave them a round of applause. 6,000 people. I'm a... 6,000 people out of Katrina

I was a boat mechanic when I was on a ship before that we stopped like 4 tons of coke from coming in here you take part in things but really my job during that was refueling the helicopter and keeping an eye on engines thank you for your service. Oh my god.

Where did you take the 6,000 people that you saved from Katrina? I didn't save them. We just, we moved them to this, like, a safe pier, basically. More importantly, what did you do with that 6K of fucking coke?

I wish. Six kilos? Is that what you said? No, there's two tons. Jesus. Two tons of coke? Can we get some more energy in the microphone, please? Yeah, you could have used some of that tonight. Yeah.

I'm going to go back to this question. I want to see if you can remember any highlight whatsoever from any of your 16 sets. I mean, you specifically said I did 16 spots last week. Do you remember anything at all about any of them

whatsoever? What you talked about at all? I remember getting super dark on some comics because they were talking about their dead grandmas and other shit, so I went really dark on them yeah how did you go dark what did you do well something I talked about the last time I was here is the girl that committed suicide in our high school by

hanging herself and then I continued on by a shipmate when we were deployed who shot himself in the head what is that exactly but he didn't get it done the first time, so he had to shoot himself twice. But while

his roommate was sleeping, threw the whole thing because he had some kind of sleep issue. So he didn't find his roommate until the next day. I sent some foul play. I made it funny somehow last night. They were just going, because The mood turned really dark.

This guy gets comedy. I go way too dark at times. I'm trying to relieve that. Do you have any short jokes that aren't dark? He's wearing actual shorts. That's it. I freaked out the last time about wearing shorts, so I've been doing that

a lot too, just so that I wouldn't freak out when I was on last time it was the first time I had worn shorts on the stage and what happened? I just tried to riff off of wearing shorts and how it's hot here and none of you care about that because that's what you deal with all the time

but my body temperature doesn't regulate that well so I'm sitting here wondering if your roommate is going to hear the two shots tonight with all the time, but my body temperature doesn't regulate that well, so. I'm just, I'm sitting here wondering if your roommate's gonna hear the two shots tonight. I don't have a roommate. Jason, thank you so much for getting the show started. You gotta figure out a new 60 seconds every time. Sign up again when you have a new 60 seconds, Jason.

Until then, I'm going to pull a Jason Eckstein and try to forget that all of that ever happened. I think that's what it is. If my sets went like that, I would try to forget all of them as well. Well, I think the recipe about going dark with comedy is then you have a joke after you go dark. You don't just go dark.

You bring us back from dark. Let's keep this fun train moving along. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Jim McHugh. That sounds like a real goddamn American.

Jim McHugh. That's a real, that's a real name. Jim McHugh. Come on, Jim McHugh. It's a real name. Jim McHugh. Come on, Jim. He has no idea how to get to the stage whatsoever. One more time, good and loud for Jim McHugh, everybody. Comedy store, holy cow. So, um... oh, God.

A friend of mine's a comic, a friend of mine's a comic, and he said to me, if your name happens to get pulled, you're going to be all nervous and unsure, just like when you lost your virginity. And I said, unless my uncle's here with a ball gag, this will be nothing like how you lost your virginity. And I said, unless my uncle's here with a ball gag, this will be nothing like how I lost my virginity. Most people would like to see world peace, no hunger. Those are lofty goals, but I'm a simple man.

I'd like to see a world where men and women could greet each other in the same manner that dogs do. I'm on a road trip across the country. I come from Connecticut. Shit, I forgot. God. Coming across the country from Connecticut. Thank God.

Wow, Tim McHugh. Look at you. How are you? Hi Jim. What are you saying to Greg? What was that weird whisper? A kid I went to high school with is his college roommate. Yeah my college roommate freshman year, I met up with him, and we took mushrooms. Like, the second night we were in college, and then he laid on his back and howled at the moon, and for the next four years, his name was Mooney. Moondog. Wow. That's about right.

That's about right. I don't know. That's all I can say about the guy. That's great. So, Jim, this is your first time on the show that's right what are the odds that the first time that you get pulled out of the bucket Greg Fitzsimmons I know right

well anyway welcome Jim is this your first time doing stand up comedy it is not believe it or not I've been doing it for like six months oh okay but you still do the joke that you did your first time where it's like, oh, if you do it, it'll be like, oh, you made it about if you get lucky. I made it about, yes. The bucket. Yes, that's the very first joke I told, but now it's about Kill Tony.

I gotcha. So you just rewrite it for shows where you don't know if you're going on stage or not. My friend told me that if I get pulled. Yeah, there you go. It's like losing virginity. All right. And where was the first place you did this so-called stand-up comedy? The Stress Factory in Bridgeport. Wow.

Stress Factory, yeah. So, Jim, you've been doing it for six months. What's your story? Retired police officer? Firefighter. Firefighter. Wow, good guess. Is it the hair?

No, it's your overall demeanor. You seem like a real gentleman. I even said it right off your name alone. I think I said something like this sounds like a real American guy. It's like Jim McHugh. Jim McHugh. My ex-wife might have a different opinion, but that's all right. Whoa.

Hello there. No, we get along. Firefighter couldn't keep his hose in his pants? No. What are we talking about? keep his hose in his pants? No. What are we talking about? Slid down too many poles? Yeah. Show the ladies the old long ladder, huh?

Let a Dalmatian lick your balls? Jolbert! It worked. Wow. How long were you a firefighter for? 20 years New Haven, Connecticut A lot of fire there A lot of fire in New Haven

What a hero out there Chilling Just letting the rain do all the work for you There was fires on occasion Come on What was one of the craziest situations you ever had out there in New Haven? Oh, God, I don't know. It seems like there would be a good school shooting around there.

It seems like a good city for New Haven, Connecticut. News out of New Haven today. We let the police handle the school shootings in New Haven, so we don't have to get involved. Hopefully they're at Yale. We go the other way. See, it must be different on the other coast. Here in Los Angeles, if anything happens, the fire department shows up immediately.

You'll just be getting a fucking parking ticket. They have four fire trucks for some reason that come to every event. What? I'm also a retired funeral director. I was a funeral director. I embalmed bodies.

Wow. So you went straight from firefighter to the fucking next part of the job. That's right. Straight to burying. You're like, how can I get closer to death and sadness? I'll deal with the bodies after they're burned. So you're used to performing in front of silent crowds. Yes.

Whoa. You ever have a really hot dead girl? Continuing tonight. What, me? You ever have a really hot dead girl You ever have a really hot dead girl That's where the question should end It's right there Whatever you're about to add on that Like never do anything with it I was a ski instructor as well Tony

You were what? I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up A ski instructor It's official we We just got word. You are the whitest man of all time. That's right. Firefighter. Stratton, Vermont.

Shout out to Stratton, Vermont, whoever might be watching. Wow. What's your favorite? Let's keep going. Let's see how white you are. Name some of the recent big concerts that you've been to. Billy Joel. Did you really?

Not any more white than that. Is that what you just said? I thought Greg's. I can't tell whether Greg said it or it was just the honest answer, but that seems like perfect, right? That's his white. Billy Joel? Yes. Really?

Name another one. He plays Madison Square Garden every month. God, that is the whitest thing ever. Wow. Wow. What are some of your favorite things to watch on TV? Cheers? You just watch on TV? Cheers? You just watch reruns of Cheers?

Yeah, I did. Oh, my God. It was on Prime. Hey, man. That was my Thursday night growing up. What about Rescue Me? As a police, as a fireman. No, I never watched Rescue Me.

No? It's not the same. Not the same? No. Yeah, it's TV. No, I know, but I had no interest in watching firefighter shows. You ever watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? No.

If I did, I probably wouldn't admit it, but no offense to anybody. So, Jim, how long have you been divorced for? Seven, eight years. Seven, eight years. How's that going for you? Good. We get along well. We get along well.

I have two kids, 19 and 17 years old. Oh, cool.. How's that going for you? Good. We get along well. We get along well. I have two kids, 19 and 17 years old. Oh, cool. My daughter's at the University of Rhode Island. My son is going to be senior in high school. Oh, nice. Yeah, we're all doing good. Heck yeah. What's your son going to do after high school?

You believe in him? I don't know. He's an excellent drummer. He could give Joel Berg a run for the Mexican drummer. I want to come back and bring him next year. Heck yeah. You tell him to go fuck himself. Wow.

Wow. The place is in shambles right now. First Joelberg chant of the night. Jim, you got to... You're fucking... Your son has to be 21 before he comes in here, so he has a couple years to practice. We got a couple years.

Just tell him to start training now. What else is fun about your life, Jim? What else do you do? I don't know. I've been single for six years. What's the dating life like for you? You're wearing a Venice Beach calipers. Online is horrible.

Are you visiting from Connecticut? Yeah, I'm on a mental health journey. Oh, I love that. I had to get out of Connecticut. I haven't gone away in a couple of years, so I disappeared for a couple of weeks. I'm going to my cousins tomorrow in Arizona, and then I'm going to start heading back. You say it like your friends in Connecticut had no idea that you were coming here. They didn't.

This is a last-minute thing. Wow. Look at you. My goodness I called you Joe Namath the other night Do you remember that? You said something You said, name anybody from Alabama

And I just yelled out, Joe Namath And I didn't know the context And you looked at me like, what are you talking about? Oh no, I remember now, it was in the original room You were in the far left seat in front of the piano Yeah, that was stupid of you. It was very stupid. I really liked you

all the way up until that point, Jim. I'm kidding. You kind of look like one of those hip preachers that's into rap music and stuff. Rap for Jesus. My running list is mostly rap. You mean a playlist? How wide are you?

Running list. I can only listen to music. A running list. I'm a little nervous up on stage here. You're okay. Why? You got something to be guilty about? Yeah.

Yeah. Always. So this single life that you talk about, how single are we talking? Oh, I haven't had a girlfriend in six years. I spend all my time with my kids, all my free time. I'm working with my kids. Heck, yeah.

So you've been hooking up with some of your kids' friends. We're talking 17, 19 years of age. No. Living the fucking high life. No. Yeah, I used to be a fighter fighter. Do you know that? That's a great line, by the way. Oh, it looks like, hey, look, to be a fighter fighter. Do you know that? That's a great line

by the way. Oh, it looks like, hey, look, I dropped some pot. You want to smoke it, Stacy? Back in the day, St. Patrick's Day Parade Day in New Haven, it was nice to have a uniform on. You meet a lot of girls that way. Let's go back in time. Married at that point.

No, no, no. Or is it like firehouse rules? You're in for three days, you're out for four. No. No. Three on, three off. I just got handed notes from Detective

Charles. These are very interesting notes. Should I read these? Alright. Absolutely. These are notes from the detective. First are very interesting notes. Should I read these? All right. These are notes from the detective. First note just says, divorced. The second note says, guilty. And the third note says, sexually incompetent retard. This is really...

Detective Charles, I don't know if you know that, but... You're unbelievable, man. You've called everybody a retard so far here Well show me somebody that's not a retard And I won't call them a retard Are there sexually competent retards? Oh the best Wow

Extra strength It's been a long time I kind of forget how it goes Well Jim so much fucking fun man Sign up again. I'm leaving tomorrow, but I'll be back. I want to move here, so I love it here. Well, we're going to be on the East Coast soon.

We have some big announcements coming up in the next few weeks. You should come out and sign up for another episode. Right another 60 seconds. Let's find out more about you. It'd be fun. I have a lot more questions for you. Thanks, guys. There he goes. Jim McHugh. It's fun, right?

It's a real fucking... Look at this guy. Yeah, same way. He pretends like he has no idea how to get around here, for those of you listening. Yeah, that way, Jim. There's no magical button that we press where you take a slide down to, whoa, I'm out on sunset again.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right. Wow, this looks like a fun name. I can't tell whether we've ever met this person before. Make some noise for Clifford Nikgorski. Clifford Nikgorski. Do we know Clifford? Here he comes.

Here comes Clifford. Heck yeah. Clifford Nikgorski. And the band is killing it tonight. One more time for Clifford, everybody. Here we go. Hey, guys. Do you ever look at Facebook and just wonder what the hell you're looking at?

That happens to me. Happened to me today. My friend posted a picture of his friend and he had a... No. He posted a picture of his newborn child. It was a nude. It was a nude-born child. He had the biggest fucking nuts I've ever seen in my life.

Everybody was commenting. No one can talk about anything anymore. Everyone's like, oh, the kid's got his dad's eyes. He's got his mom's nose. I'm going, whose nuts does this kid have? It's the biggest fucking nuts I've ever seen. And everyone's talking about, you can't even make out the kid's face. It looked like a chewed up piece of gum stuck on the top of a pomegranate.

Why would you post that? I got to talk about it. Your kid has huge red fucking nuts. And it's making me sick. I wanna talk about it. But anyways. All right. All right, Clifford.

Welcome, welcome. How are you, buddy? Hi, Clifford. How you doing, man? I'm good. I like your style, dude. You're like the opposite of the last guy. Yeah.

It's like, I liked him too, but I like you for different reasons. You're just sort of like a whole different type of normal American dude. Welcome to the show, Clifford. Hi. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? About eight months. How long? About eight. I thought you said 80 months

for a second. Oh, yeah. Eight months. For the audience. All here in Los Angeles? Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. And you're from here? Yes. Born and raised? Yes. Yeah. What else do you do? What do you do for work?

I'm a musician. Oh, yeah? I had a Mexican drum off two weeks ago. Yeah, and you do? What do you do for work? I'm a musician. Oh, yeah? I had a Mexican drum off two weeks ago. Yeah, and what happened? You killed me, man, with that dildo. Yeah, thanks. I don't think it was the dildo. I had to shake the dildo. Oh, that's right. You did have to shake the dildo.

Yeah, that was cool. That was cool? Yeah, it was purple. Yeah. I usually hate the color purple. Anything happen? That was a couple weeks ago? Yeah, yeah, purple. Yeah. I usually hate the color purple. Anything happen? That was a couple weeks ago? Yeah, yeah, two weeks ago.

Has anything changed in your life since then? Since that two weeks? Oh, my God. I got booked for a show in September. Wow. Things are going great. I love that. Yeah, you wouldn't believe the attention I got. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. I was being serious, but it appears as though you're trying to hurt my feelings or something like that. Nobody cared. Right. It was cool, though. What do you think would have happened had you won the Mexican drum off? I think that, like, everything would have changed, man.

I would have actually had a job. It's good to be the king. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I would have been, like, king Yeah I would have been like Yeah it would have been cool My goodness So Clifford

What did we find interesting About you a couple weeks ago When we met you Remind me of how that interview went What were some highlights There was these keys Right yeah And I don't own things

Uh huh I just Yeah I got the DUI on the moped Uh huh And In front of my house. So what do you drive now?

Douchebag. No one's letting me drive anything. Anything? No, nothing. What about like a bird scooter? Is it even possible? No, I tried. And because my friend was nice enough to give me his account information to do an Uber thing.

And I thought I could do one of those. You mean sign up for Uber? Like when you say an Uber thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Like I can't even get Uber or do anything. You can't even. They won't let me.

They're not even. Wait. You're saying they're not even allowed to drive you anywhere? Well, I don't even have a bank. What the fuck did you do? You have a serious problem. Well, he looks at children's genitalia online. We know that.

Yes, I do. It's true. If it's out there, I'm looking at it. Yeah. I'll look at anything you give me. That's right. You show me a bump, I'll look at it. Is it hard to smuggle moonshine on foot?

I only drink Bud Light. The doctor told me no more hard alcohol. Is that true? So I'm only on Bud Light, son. There's no moonshine. Is that true? Yeah. What happened?

What happened that the doctor? My liver's all shitty. I shouldn't be drinking anything. I shouldn't be drinking anything. I shouldn't be doing anything. I should just be. Your what's all shitty? What was the symptoms? Liver.

Yeah. Did you have symptoms before you? No, I just kind of knew it. I went to the doctor. I booked my own appointment. I booked it. I was like, you know what? It's Web Emmy.

Look at me. Yeah. I think it was sometime when I would start walking into businesses, and the lady would go, there's no public restrooms here. I was like, I must look like shit. That realization is what we call a hunch in the business. That's right. Were you a day drinker?

Did you drink all day? I'm a day drinker. Red Band's worried about his drinking habits. Yeah, I know. We could talk about that. Yeah, after the show. You guys have all night to get wasted and complain about your livers with each other.

I'm bad, dude. We can bump livers. Be cool. My liver, yeah. So what's the rest of your life like if you drink that much? I don't drink... It seems like a lot, but it's spaced out.

You know, like I'll drink like one beer every hour and a half. Oh, yeah. Just to mellow me out. No, you're totally good. No problems at all there. No. As long as it's just one beer per hour and a half, 24 hours a day, you're all good, dude. It is a 40-ouncer.

Yeah, just one. Yeah, that's totally fine. You drink the same as like an Andre the Giant. That's completely normal. That's great. Yet I'm just this size. Can I just ask, how do you pay the rent? And when I say rent, you live somewhere, right?

I do. I generally live somewhere. The general. I have good friends. I'm a bit of an artist. I'm a musician. And some people give a shit and they help me keep going. Right. They're like, oh, that's Clifford.

I let him sleep on my couch sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the guy. You're that guy. Maybe they'll let you rent a room in the baby's nuts. Oh my God. Since I'm the guy. I'm that guy. You're that guy. Maybe they'll let you rent a room in the baby's nuts. Oh my God. Since they're so big. Oh man.

Like what would you do if on a job application? It didn't work out, did it? What was that? Never mind. Yeah, I know. How long did you really stare at this picture

of baby nuts on Facebook? Stare at it? It's my wallpaper on my phone. Your diary. Today I looked at the nuts for a few hours. I just figured I could answer that by telling you

what I wrote in my diary. I stared at the nuts for hours, Dad. And it was bad. You write to your dad in your diary? Yes, Dad is my diary. You know how people have God? I just have an imaginary dad diary. What the hell?

This is a very special brain damage episode of... Speedweed. Kill Tony. This guy's like Charles Manson with no initiative. Oh! Also, Charles Manson killed. Hey! also Charles Manson killed got it well Clifford that was the missing punchline we were looking for

this entire time so if you like say wear out a welcome on a couch not that you would where would you go? Where do you sleep that night? There would be nothing. I'd just be here more.

Have you slept outside? We have to make sure you keep it in couches. Yeah, exactly. You should see me in that bathroom. What was that? Have you slept outside? One time, only when my ex-wife was mad at me. But now I've slept inside ever since.

Dear dad, it really sucks out here. Yeah. Daddy? I'm sleeping outside tonight, dad. I'm outside. That's so weird that you... You really have a diary? No, I don't.

No, I don't. I'm just trying to joke around, guys. I don't talk to my dad. Who would talk to their dad? Oh, my God. What the hell? Clifford, you sound like somebody that has a serious drinking problem. Yeah.

Who would talk to their dad? How'd you pick up on that? I love it. All right, Clifford. Thank you, guys. Okay. There you go. There he goes.

Clifford Nagorski, everybody. Wow. This is one of those episodes tonight. Oh, my goodness. Shout out to the band. How about a hand for the band tonight, guys? Doing new songs. New songs. New songs.

All right. This looks like a new name. This should be fun. Put your hands together for Chanel Hughes, everyone. Wow. Here we go. Very exciting. There are people wooing.

There's loud woos happening from the lucky corner of the room. There's always that corner, man. It's crazy. Here she comes. Heck, yeah. This is very exciting. Come on. One more time for Chanel Hughes, everybody.

Hey, y'all. Y'all look good for a Monday. I recently got out of a relationship, you know, and I feel like you should leave that person better than you found him. You know? Like, I found him on Plenty of Fish, and I left him for a man I found on Tinder. You know?

Leave him better than you found him. I have a homegirl and she speaks at a lot of social justice events and she speaks in front of a whole bunch of people and she'll be like, my dad, he picks corn for a living. And some people say that he's stealing

everybody's job. But who wants that job? Who? And the crowd goes crazy, you know? And afterwards I find her and I'm like, girl, that was tight as hell, you know? But you got to stop doing that. That's racist. And she's like, what?

And I'm like, the accent, you know? Like, you've never lived in Mexico a day in your life, you know? And she's like, well, I just get passionate. And I'm like, well, can you imagine if when I got passionate, I started speaking like I was from Wakanda, you know? Like if I was like, what do you mean your ice cream machine is broken, huh? You are McDonald's. Your only job is to serve and make ice cream.

Oh, okay, you know what? No more vibranium from you, you know? Make your own shamrock shakes. Yeah, uh-huh. That's great. Hell yeah, Chanel Hughes. Wow. How fun.

Look at you, Lil' Killer. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Aren't you just a little fucking bowling ball of energy? I like your style, Chanel. Where are you from? Denver, Colorado. Denver, Colorado.

Heck yeah. And you're on their radar out there? You performing at Comedy Works? You know Wendy? Well, I'm in their New Faces competition. She knows Wendy's. That's great. Oh.

That's because he's seen all that ass back there. He's seen all that ass back there. Your t-shirt says big fine ass. Look at that. Real nice. That's awesome. Had to let y'all know. Greg, would you wear her merch?

Yeah, I would wear it. But if you walk past me on the street and your T-shirt said, Big Fine Ass, I'm turning around after you pass me. Like, every guy must turn around and look at your ass after they pass you. Yeah, they do that whether I wear this shirt or not.

Yeah. I don't think you need the microscope, detective. Oh, the double microscope. It's the Wakanda. All right. So, Chanel, that's so interesting. You were born and raised in Denver? Yeah.

What do you do for work out there? I'm an insurance adjuster. Oh. So that's you on the other end of that phone, huh? What do you do for work out there? I'm an insurance adjuster. Oh. Yeah. Huh. So that's you on the other end of that phone, huh? You happy at your job or you sort of get mean with people sometimes? You one of the nice ladies or like the angry like telephone ladies? Because I could see you sort of maybe being both if you're having a bad time.

It definitely depends on what energy they're serving me. Right, right. You're very reactive. So you play both sides. You're not one of those ones that can just stand getting yelled at because that's got to be a tough job, insurance adjusting. Who do you communicate with, the people or the businesses? Businesses. That makes it a lot easier.

Attorneys, not the public. Right. There you go. I like your fanny pack. Thank you. I don't know if you know this, but we sometimes do a segment on this show where we ask you what's inside your fanny pack. If there's anything that you'd like to show us, it's like a little episode of show and tell. If you have anything that you'd like to show us, it's like a little episode of show and tell, if you have anything that you'd like to share.

Slowly. Anything? Birth control? Birth control. Wait, what is that? That's birth control? Oh, hell yeah, girl. Damn. Tony, Tony.

Straight to the good shit. Tony, Tony. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Oh, man. Can I see the birth control for a second? Yeah, don't take that. What is birth control? We're on

beginning of week two. That's a green light. Look at that. Is that a... Is that...... They make it... Is that... I'm getting a weird feeling about this. Yeah, if there's anything else that you're willing to share. You've already shared your Cardi Plan B.

We know there's not a condom in there. There's really... There's really nothing else that fun in there besides my birth control. Damn. Now, is there a guy that you're using that with? Anybody you're letting fucking, you know, go ham? No, because I go to therapy now, so my pussy's pricey. Whoa.

Welcome to another episode of Pricey Pussy with Chanel Hughes. Oh, my God. I just got handed notes from the detective. I got to get straight to these. There's three notes again. Again, very concise notes. The first note says, big rear end. The second note says, suspicious.

And the third note says, not white. I get that a lot. My goodness. I love it. So, Chanel, what do you like to do for fun? You're up there in Denver. You ever meet any cool, like, ski instructors that used to be firemen and are divorced and afraid to go out on dates with people? Oh, because, no, I wish.

Where he at? Oh, shit. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Looks like you got a new fire to put out back there, huh? It's a big one. It's a big ass fire. I love it.

Chanel, what else? What do you like to do for fun in Denver? You know what I'm saying? I smoke a lot of weed. My best friend, me and my best friend hang out a lot. You know, we eat. She's right there. She's right there.

Her name is Uche. Hi, Luche. We're here for her birthday's right there. Her name is Uche. Hi, Uche. We're here for her birthday. Hi. How are you? Happy birthday. She does comedy, too? No.

Oh, okay. That's cool. She just supports you. Yes. That's her therapist. Low key. What do you like to do after smoking weed? Anything special when you're by yourself and, you know, you live by yourself?

Definitely. And is there anything you like to do, like vinyl records or what are we talking about? Anything cool? Anything special when you're by yourself? You live by yourself? Definitely. Is there anything you like to do, like vinyl records? What are we talking about? Perhaps cassette tapes? Sometimes I... Cassette tapes? No, I don't know. Do you ever get the munchies and eat the rest of your birth control?

These detectives are from a different time. They'll say anything. Back to you in the studio, Tony. That's hilarious. There must be something fun you do as a hobby

or something like that. I mean, right now I'm really focused on comedy, to be honest with you. I DJ. I do karaoke hosting. Really? Yeah.

That sounds like fun. Oh, yeah. That's a good time. What's your DJ name? I don't really have one. You just go by your regular name? Yeah. DJ Chanel.

DJ One More Bite. Hey. Oh, come on. What is your... These guys. What's your go-to song to get people going at karaoke? At karaoke?

Yeah. I usually do like a Kanye West go-digger. Can you do it a little bit? Yeah, the whole thing. No. I usually do like a Kanye West gold digger. Can you do it a little bit? Yeah, the whole thing. No. Want to do a little bit of it?

Give us a little taste of it. Chanel Hughes. Y'all ain't got the beat? She kill me much. Now I ain't saying she a gold digger. Oh shit. But I ain't messing

with no broke. Oh shit. Now I ain't saying she a gold digger. We have to do it differently because they'll it'll show up in the podcast and they take the episodes down for okay yeah don't do that one can you just acapella it okay all right 18 years 18 years she got one of your kids got you some 18

years i know somebody paying child support for one of his kids his baby mama car crib is bigger than his you'll see him on TV any given Sunday. Win a Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai. She was supposed to buy you shorty tight coat with your money. She went to the doctor, got lipo with your money. She walking around looking like Michael with your money. Should have got that short guy coat for your money, money. If you ain't no punk, holla, we want prenup.

Yeah, that's something that you need to have. Oh, that is incredible. Yeah. Wow. I mean, what can I say? You're so much fun, Chanel. Thanks, though. Anything else for Chanel, guys?

Is it a weave? Talk to me about the hair. Oh, Greg Fitzsimmons asking the real questions that everybody wants to. That everybody is wondering. Okay. No, these are just braids. They're braids, extensions, braids. I don't know.

Y'all need to watch YouTube and get up to date. I don't know what to tell you. Just pay for it. Don't ask questions. Oh, shit. Wow. That's great. I want to learn how to do that.

Yeah. I don't know how to do any of that cool stuff. I don't move properly. I got you, Tony. You'll teach me how to do all that? Why don't you teach him right now? No, shut up. Yes.

Wait, do it again. Let me see if I could even. Yeah, I mean, come on. I could never do that. Tony, I think this whole audience believes that you could do that. No. No. No.

No, that's not how this works, detective. Clearly you're from a different time and a different show. Because I'm not going to learn it. That's going to take me three weeks. I don't think so. Yeah, it definitely will. This show is already all off the rails.

The paper boy is asking all the right questions. All right, let me see if I can do this. Let's do it. I don't even have the hips to do what you're doing. Like, it's just going to look like my jacket's swaying. There's nothing here. I don't even have a body to do that with I think if I put on your fanny pack I could probably do fucking jump rope with it like this

I think you should stand behind him and guide him exactly on how to do it I don't know what just happened, but now I have a concussion somehow. I don't know what's going on but now I have a concussion somehow. I don't know what's going on. My neck hurts. Just kidding. Oh, Aphrodite is here. Clearly one of the very direct relatives of Chanel.

Well, Chanel, I'm out of breath. I had so much fun with you. Well, Chanel, I'm out of breath. I had so much fun with you. That very rarely happens anymore where I'm physically out of breath from dancing with one of the people pulled out of the bucket. Thrill Tony.

Thank you, Chanel. There she goes. Chanel Hughes, everyone. Oh, she's got... These are about you. You were supposed to read it. Oh, wait a second. Okay, I'll let it happen.

The detective gave Chanel notes. These are notes about Tony. It says, number one, no rhythm. Number two White boy And number three Guys I didn't write this I'm just reading Okay Retard

Whoa I can't believe it This detective's out of control He just throws around that word like it's nothing How about one more time good and and loud for Chanel, everybody. Awesome. That was great. Thank you. We're having fun.

This is fun. Good energy on that, girl. Hell yeah. All right, this person's been on this show before Make some noise for Justin Solow Solow Justin Solow Here he comes Here comes Justin everybody

One more time for Justin, everyone. Before I started trying stand-up, I used to do music for a long time, and I never got successful at it, but I did find out recently that one of my songs is in a porn. Found that out. And it's not sexy music either. It's like sad singer-songwriter stuff

It's like kind of emo But it's not a porn And if any of you are interested I could send you a link Of a well-made porn of a woman getting her pussy licked While I'm singing in the background About trying to get sober So if that interests any of you

Just let me know No, I found out because my music's on YouTube And I got like a little bump. And I kept getting comments like, the video brought me here, lol. And so someone sent me a link. And I went to the link and I watched it and it was pretty good.

And I didn't know how they figured it out because there's no credits in the porn. I don't know how they figured out it was me. Because I've never been watching porn and then stopped to shazam it. Thanks. Justin Soilow? It's actually pronounced swallow.

Swallow? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Wow, that's a rough one, huh? Yeah. It was rough in school. Have you been on the show? No, that's the first time. Wow, that's a rough one, huh? It was rough in school Have you been on the show? No, it's the first time

How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years All here in Los Angeles? No, I started in Austin How long have you been here? About a year How's it treating you? It's going pretty good

What's your living situation? Well, I was afraid that if I got cold and if you asked me that, I would have to answer. I live in my car. So I know that's... Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, I know. Absolutely. That's a very interesting way of going about doing things.

I've done it. I have friends that are massively successful that are still living in cars. I'm serious. Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, still lives in a car. That's why he made that show.

That's what he does. He lives in his different cars and gets coffee. So how long have you been in your car? The whole year? Yeah, and like I have a lot of friends here, so sometimes they'll let me stay with them. Right, you're crashing on couches like Clifford Nagorski? Yeah, something like that. Yeah. My goodness.

So what do you have also? The gym membership type of thing? Oh, yeah. Right. Is that what you utilize most of the time? Yeah, I go to this Christian gym. Whoa. Yeah. Is that what you utilize most of the time? Yeah, I go to this Christian gym. Whoa. Whoa. Is it called CrossFit?

Nice. I said, is it called CrossFit? It's an easy joke. Oh, I didn't think it's that easy. My goodness. Is it the YMCA? Isn't that the Christian? No, it's like there's some mega church in Echo Park called Dream Center,

and they have a gym that they call the Lord's Gym, and I go there. Oh, my God. You go to the Lord's Gym? Jesus. Lift your prayers and your weights. Where you can have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Come to the Lord's gym. Is there anything special that makes it the Lord's gym?

You don't even need a spot when you're there? You just let go of the weight and it holds itself up? Oh, my God. Finally, there you are, Lord. Thanks for the spot, dude. You really do exist. The water fountains are just holy water There's two treadmills next to each other So Jesus could run next to you

Detective Charles, I notice that you're not making any jokes About this Christian material that we're talking about here. I mean, you go to the Wada fountain, you're like, this isn't Wada, this is wine. See, I make two deep cuts because people don't know. What? Is there anything crazy at the Lord's gym? No, it's pretty much a normal gym. They don't do any Christian-related things.

It just happens to be at a megachurch. Is there a creepy guy that hangs around the shower and calls himself John the Baptist? No. So how many seats does a megachurch have? What are we talking about? Kill Tony North? Is that what we're talking about?

I've never actually been to the church. I don't know. That was for those two people in the back of the room. You've never been to the church? You just use them for their gym? Yeah. Wow. Maybe they think you're the second coming of Jesus and they just let you in for free.

No, I pay monthly. Oh, how much is it monthly to be at the Lord's gym? $25. $25 a month? No sign-up fee. Oh, how much is it monthly to be at the Lord's gym? $25. $25 a month. No sign-up fee. Oh my god. Wow. The Lord has great deals. I'm surprised you're just giving it away. $25 a

month. That's like nine or ten Equinox memberships. Yeah, it's a good deal. So where do you park when you sleep? You know, in Echo Park. Yeah, just kind of near my friends.

So if I ever have to go to their house. Poop. If I ever have to poop. You have a poop bucket? No, no. Okay. All right, man. You park in Echo Park? The irony.

Fuck. I asked you if you have a job. I'm doing Postmates. Postmates. Oh yeah, work right from home. Good lord. Wow. How's that going for you? I should get a job.

I should get a real job. Yeah, what would you do if you got a real job? What do you think the field would be? What type of... Oh, I don't know. I mean, I used to do video editing, but I don't know. But I probably couldn't get that job. I don't... Sorry.

Why do you think you couldn't get that job? Oh, well, I mean, when I first moved here, I tried to get video editing work and I didn't. How old are you? I'm 31. 31. And you moved here a year ago and you're in your car. What was your life in Austin like before you left there? Well, I just worked as a video editor and did stand-up.

Did you have a girlfriend at any period of time or anything? No, I haven't had a girlfriend since high school. Since high school? Yeah. My goodness. Do you go on any dates at all? Sometimes I go on dates, yeah. Like the last date you went on, what'd you do? Went back to her place, probably. Yeah.

Probably started at his place though You know what I mean? Picked her up What happened? What happened on your date? What'd you do? You take her to a drive-in movie theater? Then do a drive-thru? I actually don't remember I mean I guess Have you been on one since you've been to Los Angeles?

Yeah in LA I guess I've Yeah, I've. Sorry. No, you haven't, dude. The answer is no. You would remember if you've been on a date in Los Angeles. I don't think I've been on a date, but I've been over, I've like, you know, hooked up with girls at their place. Give us an example of how you hooked up with a girl in Los Angeles. Like you're at one of your buddy's parties one night. Yeah.

And then what happens? Some chick's like, oh, my God, I'll fuck anything. And you're like, want to get out of here? I got a car. That's it. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Okay, perfect. I love it, Justin. So you're having fun. You're doing a lot of spots, doing a lot of stand-up. That's what you love the most? Yeah, that's what I it. Okay, perfect. I love it, Justin. So you're having fun. You're doing a lot of spots, doing a lot of stand-up. That's what you love the most? Yeah, that's what I'm focused on right now. Trying to do open mics every night. Heck yeah.

All right, man. Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show. Yeah, thanks for having me. Always fun to meet new comics. Justin Swallow. There he goes. Hi, Justin.

You guys having fun out there? Can you imagine trying to hook up and not even have a house? That's impossible. It gets hard already, but if you have only a car, would you tell them that you live in a car? Or would you...

Well, she'd wonder why there's a pillow and an alarm clock in your passenger seat. I mean, if they really want to fuck you, they'll fuck you anywhere. You know what I mean? Like, I, you know. Well, you see, Aphrodite agrees with me. I'm going to fuck her in my car tonight.

So, black leather interior and exterior going on in that fucking... Black on black. All right. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, going to Jacob Christopher. Jacob Christopher.

Huh. Jacob Christopher. Here he comes. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Step back from that ledge, my friend. All right, go. Wow, I've never been on this stage.

This is fucking awesome. This is great. And I got potluck. I double-dipped tonight. Fuck yeah. I'm Jacob. Y'all recognize me from nothing because my acting career is going nowhere. Redheads are not very castable unless you need a whimsical pedophile. So if anybody's working for loan order.

I got a white noise machine to help me go to bed at night. It's really noisy here in L.A. I got a white noise machine. So when I turn it on, it just says, All Lives Matter over and over. Ta-da! Lives Matter over and over. Ta-da.

I, uh... You can tell by looking at me, I was a Make-A-Wish kid. I've had three liver transplants. And, uh, it's cool, though, because, you know, I'm alive. And I got a drum set from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which I later sold for crack. People pull back on the crack. I don't know why it doesn't have the same whimsy as weed you know people all love

legal weed everybody's happy except for the people that grew up got pot leaf tattoos to be rebellious now that it's legal it's like having a fucking tattoo of Coors Light like tribal W2's or fucking I9 sleeve alright I'm done

hell yeah Jacob Christopher first time on this show or fucking I-9 sleeve. All right, I'm done. Hell yeah. Jacob Christopher. First time on this show. I would remember you if I'd seen you before. My goodness. We talked at Helium in Portland for a while. We did? Really? Were you wearing a baseball cap or something like that?

Because I think I would remember that. We were talking about... You look like a cursed Mark Wahlberg or something. I'll take anything. The bully from Christmas story. Yeah. It's like somebody literally prayed for your bad will and then... You told me how you were going to retire

Kane and the Undertaker at the same time. Oh, yeah. I did tell you about that. It was a great plan, too. Yeah. That would have been a great idea. It was. I still think about it.

Yeah. This guy looks like Andrew Santino with AIDS. Wow. That's fine. Hey. Andrew Santino doesn't have AIDS? Breaking news. We're still on the case. Wow.

The kid from Problem Child's all grown up. My goodness. Just 45 more minutes of us making jokes about your appearance, and then we're going to talk about your set, Jacob. I got plenty of ginger jokes, too. It's easy. up. My goodness. Just 45 more minutes of us making jokes about your appearance, and then we're going to talk about your set, Jacob. I got plenty of ginger jokes, too. It's easy. I love it. I bet it is.

So, Jacob, how old are you? 36. 36. Where are you from? Washington, Oregon. Virginia, then I moved to Portland, and now here. How long did you live in Portland? About eight years.

Thank you. All right. Well, whatever. Thought I wasn't dialed in there for a second. My fault. Oregon for eight years. And then you moved straight from Oregon to here? Yes.

And what were you doing in Oregon? Comedy. What other than comedy? No, that was literally all I did. Really? How long have you been doing stand-up? Like eight years. You've been doing stand-up for eight years. Yeah. And for two years of it, you was literally all I did. Really? How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. You've been doing stand-up for

eight years. And for two years of it, you made a living of it in Oregon. And how long have you lived in Los Angeles? About a year and a half. About a year and a half. Now what do you do for work? Lift. Wow. At the Jesus gym? Obviously not

weights. No. Jacob, my goodness. So let's talk about it. What's your living situation? It's good, man. I got a studio in Koreatown I'm happy with. Yeah, you live by yourself? Me and my girlfriend live together.

Oh, cool. How long have you been with your girlfriend? Like three years. Three years? My goodness. Look at you. And what does she do? She works at Universal Studios

in Harry Potter world. Wow. I think that's what you would be doing. She really can't get you a job as one of the what's the? They've offered me jobs there actually. People that work there have offered me work. Let's say I hypothetically was going to Universal Studios tomorrow.

Could she get me on all the rides? Let's talk after the show. Oh, look at that. Oh, my goodness. Depends how nice you are during this interview. I guess I'm not then. You're cool, man. Wow, Jacob.

So how many, all right, what do you like to do for fun? You spent eight years in Oregon. Any fun outdoor types of things? I mean, just drugs. Wow. I know that sounds lame, but I mean, you know, weed, not nothing crazy. I don't drink. All I do is weed.

That's the only drug I do, but I smoke a lot of it. How much is a lot to you? That's not even that much, I'm sure to y'all. I mean, fuck, I probably spend $40 a week at most. That's nothing. All right, I've lost the room. Some chick just laughed at you like you're a bitch, by the way. Look at me.

$40 a week. Look at me. I can't take hard shit, man. My God, we had a guy up here earlier that drinks a beer every hour and a half. Every day. I don't know if you know what kind of fucking party you showed up to, dude. I've had three fucking liver transplants.

I can't do that shit. His liver looks like you. Yeah, that one dude, he was talking about his bad liver. So what was your symptoms? Yeah, Brian's afraid of his faulty liver. Honestly, this all happened when I was 14. I was born with cryptogenic cirrhosis. Wow. And then it got worse and worse.

Ah, so you're a terrorist. Yes. Wow, you've had a hard knock life. Because he's a redhead. Oh my god. I was sleepy a lot. That was a big thing. Like when it got really bad, my skin was yellow. That's you, dude.

Red Man has literally shown up as yellow in photos we've taken. Well, at least you probably fit in in your apartment in Koreatown. That's the kind of humor I like. So you turned yellow And your hair was still red You looked like a goddamn old school Hulk Hogan t-shirt

Or something like that Pretty much Wow And that all happened when you were 14 You were at the peak of your life You had fucking little ginger pubes coming out And everything and all of a sudden I was in the hospital for nine months straight.

Wow, you could have had a goddamn baby during that time. For real. Wow. That math does check out. So three liver operations. Did you get livers from other people or what's the deal? Yeah. Dead people?

Yeah. Yeah. Redheaded dead people or normal? No, I don't think they had to be redheads. My goodness. Does it smell? Nothing. I don't think so.

I don't know. Wow, that's interesting. So you really were a Make-A-Wish kid. Yeah. And what did you do for fun when you were a Make-A-Wish kid? Well, my wish was a drum set, and I got a dark green Tama Rockstar five-piece, and I learned how to play drums, and like I said, I sold that for crack.

Wow. How well did you learn? The wish kept on coming. It was great. I made a wish twice. No complaints. Have you played drums since then? No, not really.

It's been a long time since I've played drums. Have you smoked crack since then? No. No, I have not. So if you're a Make-A-Wish kid and they give you the drum set, not to be morbid, but aren't you supposed to die? Yeah. Isn't that like the catch?

No. I mean, I still could. They just reuse the same drum set over and over again. They keep the receipt. They got a cut back financially. They reuse the same drum set over and over. People aren't donating to make a wish like they used to. I missed it.

I'm going to go back to Detective Dick motherfucking Bates for a second. What did you say? Because I missed that. They just reused the same drum set over and over. Oh, God. It's so funny. It was funnier the first time. I liked it the second time.

I couldn't hear it the first time. Jacob, what else is interesting about you? What are we missing here? Anything else? No. I just do comedy and write. What does she play at the Harry Potter Land? What does she do?

She's one of the people dressed up and just giving people experiences. You don't ever see her costume? That stays at work with her? Yeah, it all stays at work. But, I mean, yeah, they just have, like, the robe and the Harry Potter. I don't watch Harry Potter, and she knows that. But she looks like that. Does she watch Harry Potter?

Does she even like it? She loves it so much. Does she ever bring the robe home and get a little kinky? No. We have not incorporated Harry Potter into our sex life yet. Wow. I'm not against it now that you brought it up. Do you have any special sexual maneuvers that you do in the bedroom that you could teach us here?

Is there some special ginger way of making love? No. I like to go down a lot. That's my favorite thing. Look at that. It's good for your liver, by the way. Two people clapped. You ever give a girl a zizzle-zazzle?

Could you explain what that is? Sure. You going to show them what a zizzle-zazzle is? It's a little bit too unholy to do it out here in public. But it's basically you take your balls, slap them across her nostrils, and say, make me a sandwich, and then you come. Wow. What I like to do, I get down there and I'll go, face here.

That's a Nickelodeon reference. That was terrible and I shouldn't have said it. You ever give her a tittle tat? Oh, please tell me what that is. This is another old school sexual maneuver. Tell us about a tittle tat. It's when you pinch her nipples and go, I might be gay. Wow.

Tittle tat. I had no idea. I have not. It could happen, though. My goodness. You ever give a swanky Jim? Wow, swanky Jim. What is a swanky Jim?

It's when your friend Jim comes in and has sex with your wife. Oh. Swanky. Swanky. My goodness. All right, Jacob. Well, thank you so much. Thank you all, man.

There he is,acob christopher everyone jacob motherfucking christopher all right on to the next one we go you know what let's do something special here we have a regular on this show every single week he writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds of stand-up comedy. So fun. I absolutely love this guy. He just did a Huntington Beach opening up with the whole Keltoni band. And word on this street is that he fucking destroyed. Can I just say I've seen all of his sets here,

and I haven't had a chance or an opportunity to see him do a full set ever. And I was a very proud partner of that guy. He was phenomenal in Huntington Beach. And this guy has a lot of buzz going around. Not only that but there was a lot of word about his set here. He had a big set in the belly room and a sold out show on Friday night where

he absolutely destroyed and went over his time and a lot of comedians got mad at him because he was slaughtering but over his time slot. He lot of comedians got mad at him because he was slaughtering, but over his time slot. He did about twice as long as he was allowed to do, but he fucking killed. The baby boy fucking killed.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. It's the great William Montgomery, everybody! I'm a crazy boy demon So don't make me in case y'all were wondering I did in fact get the job at Supercuts this past week let's give it up for Pat Martinez that is a female she gave me the job so i uh i have a pretty serious balloon fetish i think the neck is my favorite part

it's probably one of the best jokes I've written recently that scares me. Y'all didn't laugh. I don't know if y'all thought about it, but is all that sex on nature DVDs consensual? Because I'll be quite frank, I know a meerkat named Richard Yoplait who's been raping bitches since 05. He's out of control. He takes them to motel rooms. He has unconsensual sex. Okay.

What a nightmare that was. I was trying to impress you tonight. I really enjoy your comedy. What a nightmare that was. Thank was trying to impress you tonight. I really enjoy your comedy. What a nightmare that was. Thank you. No. William, stop it. No, you were like Zach Galifianakis meets Brody Stevens.

It was kind of interesting. Hey, I like that. I thought it was good. That's a big compliment. Yeah. Welcome back, William. How are you? Can you...

William, what did I tell you about staring too deeply into the guest's eyes? I've had this talk with you. He does this sometimes, Greg. I do apologize. I was with my cousin last night. We were playing the Ouija board, and I was like, is Greg Fitzsimmons going to like me? And it went to the yes thing, and I looked at my cousin Grace,

and she was like, think but then this happens I I couldn't breathe last night for five minutes yeah why why was that I was holding my breath in a bathtub set a new record I don't know if it's a world record or not. William, you know, one of the fun things about your style is I can never tell what's true and what isn't. One of the interesting things that you joke, do you really know a meerkat

named Richard Yoplait? I wrote this down so that I wouldn't forget to ask you. Not a lot of people know it. His father was in fact Frank Yoplait of the yogurt magnate. Super rich. Wait a second. Didn't give a fuck.

He literally... I was with him in 04 in Panama City Beach, Florida. We were giving bitches Tylenol. We were giving them Advil. Wait, wait, wait. William, let's jump right back into that in a second. Don't lose that spot. You're telling me

that Yoplait yogurt was started by a family of meerkats? It was in Senegal, Africa. Not a lot of people know that. Really nice family. But he's sort of a bad seed. I don't know if y'all saw the movie The Bad Kid.

It wasn't The Bad Kid. The one with Macaulay Culkin. Is that the founder of Yoplait on the line? Oh, wow. That's what Brian thinks a meerkat sounds like. William, so when's the last time you saw Richard Yoplait? I saw him three weeks ago. I was in the airport, Panama City, not down in Florida,

but in Central America. He was dosing people. He was giving people Advil's Tylenol. A meerkat. Still, I have to make sure one more time. This is a meerkat. A little meerkat, just probably, I don't know, 13 inches long, just used to wear a helmet,

bike helmet, and just dole out pills and every time be like, dude, people are gonna know this is Advil. People are gonna know this is Tylenol. Okay, so let's talk about something for a second here, William. You've been absolutely destroying in shows. You are in probably the craziest, most swamped comedy market there's ever been where everybody's trying all these different things,

and one thing that nobody can deny is that you're killing in shows. Now what this has started what I've noticed, what I've picked up on a little bit is I've noticed a lot in the last Why didn't more people fucking clap? What in the fuck is going Am I in Senegal

right now? I'm colorblind. All right. Okay, Brian. Very good. So, William, what I've noticed is a lot of people being, I've noticed this at a barbecue that I went to the other day. Yeah. Yeah.

Some people, I think think are starting to get jealous of you. Have you noticed this at all? It's interesting you brought up the deal on Friday. It was a nightmare. Adam's like I'm not going to book you for a while. He's talking about the talent coordinator of the comedy store.

He's dialed in. He knows everything about everybody. The fact that you're getting developmental spots is a great thing at this point. You've only been in LA a year and a half. One of the sexiest people in the whole entire Los Angeles area. I do a little bit of porn. I don't know if y'all get on Pornhub.

I'm one of the guys on the handjob videos. So what did Adam tell you? And this was before or after your set he was just like William you went over by four minutes what's going on I'm not booking you for a long time that was his quote that was his exact quote

that was his quote and what killed me was the night before I got a deep Do you mind putting on a Ben Folds brick? Oh, okay. This is an interesting request. Truly what hurt me

was the night before I was drunk as fuck. I was on a bunch of Advil. I got a DUI. I got a DUI I got a DUI I decided not to stop I was on the freeway for three hours I ran out of gas

I shot at the police and literally the next day he tells me that I don't have I'm moving back to Memphis y'all I'm sick of this shit I've had enough William you say that every week. You even went long in the police chase.

I did. It was... So what is this new look that we're seeing here? Is this something that we can expect to see more of? Did you find that somewhere? I heard you might have stole it from someplace. This is called Lady Reebok Sheep. Let's check in with Detective Charles over there.

Yeah, I might have done a show with him on Friday night, and he stole it from a theater that we were at. I did. This is a stolen wig from the Pack Theater. I hope they don't find out. Wow, you really incriminated yourself by dropping the name. Wow. Look at that.

They might make you return that. Yeah. I didn't have a good set. I was pissed. I thought I would steal something. We did a live podcast together. It was a hot car fire. Oh, really?

Oh, boy. What happened during the podcast? Oh, you'll see. Oh, boy. I opened up with... Yeah, can you keep that song going? I opened up with, I want to give it up for my deceased younger brother. He was in movies such as The Naked Gun, such as Anaconda.

Yeah, you'll literally see it on the podcast. It's going to come out. And, Greg, help me out right here. I'm doing really bad. I was hoping you'd sort of jump in and help. I wasn't sure which direction you were going in there. I was just waiting to take a cue from you there. But you were zigzagging.

You know, you ever notice on that one painting where, like, what is it? Like, Washington's coming over, what, the Delaware? Yeah, the crossing of the right and he always looks so regal but you know he's he's actually been on I'm sure you've been sailing for some points probably been a rougher day I feel like this is probably what he actually looked like

when he arrived just a lot pissed off about England taxation without representation I'm moving to America on that ship. I just missed scurvy. We have some limes. Is this your George Washington impression? It is. Hello, sir.

Want the plank? All right, all right. Okay. Well, William, anything else crazy happen this week that you want to talk about? Two weeks ago, I found out a stock I had for AOL went way up. I'm currently looking at my 2,000 shares. If I sold them right now, it'd be $300,000. I'm really thinking about that.

I'm thinking about moving back down to Jackson, Mississippi. You're not even from Jackson, Mississippi. Okie dokie. How about one more time good and loud for William Montgomery, everybody? He did it again again It's another fun 10 minutes of content with William Did it again What do you guys think

Should we go back to this bucket again I don't know That wasn't loud enough Should we go back to the bucket one more time Alright I guess so I don't know. That wasn't loud enough. Should we go back to the bucket one more time? Alright. I guess so. Why not?

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Heck yeah. Some real haters out there tonight. Okay. This yeah. Some real haters out there tonight. Okay, this is it. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Mario

Taunty, everyone. Mario Taunty. Huh. Mario Taunty. Here we go. Here comes Mario Taunty, ladies and gentlemen.

People always tell me I'm creepy. I used to believe them, but I recently discovered the comment section on Pornhub. Turns out I'm normal as shit. A few nights ago I could hear my neighbors fucking while I was masturbating to porn. So I just finished to the sound of them having sex. Which still felt less creepy than Brad Niner 1276 that said, Love when he was drilling her missionary with her leg spread.

Thanks a lot, Brad. Like, you couldn't just come and that be the end of it. Like, I've jerked off probably a million times and never once was I like, you know what, this needs a review. Like, after my neighbors finish, I just yell out the window, great job, love how you took his cock. I grew up with a really racist grandfather, but I was a kid, so I was too young to know that it was racist.

So up until I was 10 years old, I thought there was actually a family of raccoons living on a porch down the street. Thank you. There you go, Mario Tanti. Welcome, welcome, Mario. Thank you. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, like a a couple times a year ago a couple times yeah I sort of remember that what do we what did we find out about you then what do we know about you I'm a sous chef oh that's right uh-huh so

how's life been going what's changed since the last time we've seen you I got a new job and I fucking hate it what's your new job? Another sous chef. Another sous chef. Have you ever thought about being chefs for people other than Indian tribes? I tried, but they want you to have experience. So dumb. Wow. So is your boss tough? Like I notice in a lot of those kitchens, the executive chef tends to rule with an iron fist.

Yeah, he's a different kind. He's a monster. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, those are always crazy jobs. It's like I'm 36. I don't need that bullshit anymore. I know.

So you're going to leave? I'm trying, man. There's no fucking jobs in this city. It's all the same. It's all the same. Too many restaurants. It's the same bullshit. They all want to reinvent food.

It's done. You eat it, you shit. Wow. You eat it, you shit. That's it. That's food. I want to invest in a restaurant and have that be the slogan. That's going to be my restaurant.

Eat and shit. You eat it, you shit it. It's great. Just tell them their whole future. It's like a psychic and a restaurant at the same time i always thought that would be a good diet is just eat and then don't eat again until you shit that is you have to eat it's like a night like your body's like a nightclub you let you let some people in right it's full you don't let anyone in until people leave out out the back door

yeah and then you get to eat again. That's an interesting policy. I wonder how that would actually work because you have to eat more than you poop. Slightly. Just like a little bit more. I have Crohn's, so if I ate every time I shit, I'd be fucking huge.

You'd be eating a lot. Oh my goodness. How bad's the Crohn's? I don't even know. I had an operation like 10 years ago and they took out some intestines and I don't take medication for it. I don't even know if I have Crohn's still, but that's what they said I have. Oh, interesting. So does

it ever get inflamed? No. I just shit a lot. How many times do you shit like a day? As much as you. Okay. 37 times? Yeah. As much as like. Okay. Oh, so 37 times? Yeah. I mean, yeah. As much as general people or actually Red Band, because those are two very different numbers.

I mostly shit liver, so it's nothing. All right. What do you do for fun, Mario, when you're not chefing? I try to go to a lot of concerts, comedy shows. What's the last concert you went to? Every Time I Die at the Greek with Coheed and Cambria. Every Time I Die. I don't know who that is.

Is that like one of those like... It's a hardcore band. Hardcore? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like, huh. All right.

Do you dress different when you go to those concerts? No, I'm over that. Wow. Hell yeah, man. You just fucking own it. Yeah, I'm too old to dress. What makes Hell yeah, man. You just fucking own it. Yeah, I'm too old to dress. What makes you happy, dude? You seem fucking...

I don't know, man. This. Coming here, this place. I don't know. Smoking weed makes me happy. Sometimes. Sometimes. There you go.

It's starting to not. It's starting to be boring. You ever smoke weed and do anything crazy afterwards? Anything fun or interesting or exciting? You have any fun hobbies that you like to do after smoking pot? Or even maybe not even smoking? I got a question. What's up?

What's the craziest thing you've ever seen in a kitchen? A cat. Like, asparagus. Either, no, dirty stuff, you know, any sort of. All right, so like a couple weeks ago, this kid we worked with, he's the dumbest kid I've ever worked with in my life. I've never seen this ever. And he was sick that day, and he was like a spacey idiot, and he blew his nose.

And I was like waiting for him to see if he was going to wash his hands. He blew his nose and then like wiped his table down like that. I was like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Nothing too gross, but like just... Yeah, nothing too gross. That's the other thing. The talent in the industry is... And what's the name of the restaurant

you work at? No, don't do it. What do you consider too gross, by the way? Because that's pretty disgusting. Wiping boogers on the table? Yeah, that's about my limit. I almost fired him for that.

You almost fired him for that. Wow. What the fuck? Wow, you're a real hard nose, buddy. I know, I know, I know. My goodness. Mario, what's your love life like? There isn't one right now.

There was a little while ago, but there's not now. Um, had a couple Tinder hookups. Those are, those were. How about the one that was a while ago that isn't anymore? What happened there? Uh, she left me for her ex-boyfriend and then. Wow. We kept hooking up for like a year and then.

While she was with her ex-boyfriend again? Yeah. Look at you, you little side piece. Huh? Look at you. Nobody better than keeping a secret than you. It's not a good situation. It fucks with your head even more, you know? Oh, because you have feelings for her.

No, but like... Whatever. Fuck y'all. Yeah, you have feelings for her, dude. Not anymore. She's with some other dude. That's crazy. Yeah, but that other dude is her ex-boyfriend, so when he saw that she left dude is her ex-boyfriend so when he saw that she left him for the ex-boyfriend he said, I see a pattern here.

She fucks her ex-boyfriends. I'm in luck. And that's why you're still in there. How many more ex-boyfriends do you think she has in the rotation? Who knows? I don't care anymore. And do you think they all look like Beatles reenactors? Probably.

John Oliver. They all show up to dates on bird scooters. This is this week tonight. All right. So you watch a lot of porn, it sounded like. What's your Google search for porn right now? Yeah. Man, the fucking throat fuck stuff, you know?

The what? The throat fuck stuff. Throat fuck? Holy shit. Throat fucking, you know? The what? The throat fuck stuff. Throat fuck? Holy shit. Throat fucking, you know? Wow, you love that, huh? What's your favorite part? I looked up that time stop shit.

That was fucking weird. Did you get into that time stop shit? You know that thing that you said you were worried about being creepy? You're definitely back to being creepy. I'm just going to own it then. Fuck it, you know? Throat fuck. Wow.

I like interracial time stuff. I came out of nowhere. Sometimes. It's like getting to that. It's like you run out of shit and you're like, I guess I'll just watch him get banged by big black guys now. Oh my goodness. Wow. What is happening?

Why do you think it is that you prefer to watch a woman get gang banged by black men? I don't prefer that. Let's talk about it here for a second, Mario. I know, but I want to talk with Mario about this. I want to see if this goes back to any, you know, psychology issues or anything like that.

So when you see black men railing a white female porn star, how does it make you feel? Angry. No, no. No, detective, no. I specifically, I'm trying to get Mario's honest responses here. You guys are misbehaving over there. Do you watch this porn with your grandfather?

No, he's dead. Because he saw you watching this porn. What the fuck is that? All right, go ahead. Why do you think it is? Let me ask it more broadly so that you'll answer it. Why do you think it is? Let me ask it more broadly so that you'll answer it.

Why do you think it is that white guys like watching white women get railed by black guys? I want to hear from you why you think that might be. Choose your words wisely. Why do you think white men like watching white women get railed by black men. Why would that be? Because I like it? Because you like it. No, the question is why do you think people like it? I know you like it.

I don't know. It's kind of hot, right? Why do you think it's hot? Because I got big dicks. I don't know. Oh, there we go. He almost went all the way. There was a lot of passion behind it. Because they got big dicks that I secretly want to

suck, okay? Like, what? Oh, my God. Alright. You got Aphrodite all wound up over there. Look at her. She's squirting everywhere. She's like Big Black Dick Beetlejuice, but you only have to say Big Black Dick once to activate her.

Big Black Dick. What? Who? Where? Huh? What the fuck? What is going on? All right, Afro.

Relax. Relax. All right, Mario. Well, is comedy going good for you? It's your only outlet, it seems. It's the only thing you really love. I'm trying to get more into it. I'm still in that scared phase.

You're doing a lot of spots? No, not more. I need to do more. Because you work at night. I need to do more. I'm trying to get into it. What do you work five nights a week at the restaurant? So you only have two nights off.

One's Monday. Monday and Tuesday. Monday and Tuesday. So what are you going to do tomorrow? Try to find a couple more to go to. I think if you could just harness this ferocious energy and direct

it towards comedy, it's going to be lights out. First thing, get comfortable, then I'll get a personality. It's like you got to... I don't know. I'll figure it out, hopefully. Wow. Is there anything crazy, before I let you go, is there anything crazy about your life or a fun fact about you, maybe your parents or your grandparents or something that we'd be surprised to know?

Suge Knight almost killed me once. Suge Knight almost killed you once? Yes. With his big black dick? Almost. Oh, my goodness. You said you liked gang bangs. I didn't realize this is what you were talking about.

Thug life, dude. So tell us how Suge Knight almost killed you before. A couple years, maybe four or five years ago, I was going to work. I worked in Century City in my last job. It was like 8 o'clock in the morning. I stopped at a gas station to get gas, and I saw him there, and he went into the store.

This was middle of the night, you said? No, this was in the morning. Okay. 8 o'clock in the morning on like a Wednesday. Do you remember the gas station by any chance? 76 gas station on Santa Monica and Beverly Glen. Yeah. So I waited for him to come out, and I waited for him to come out

and I waited for him to start pumping gas and this is when he started to pump and I snapped a picture of him and as soon as I clicked the picture, he looked right up at me. He stopped pumping gas and got in his car and I drove away

and he started to chase me around Century City for 15 minutes. I ran three red lights. Wow. He still chased me. How did you know that he was chasing you? Did he yell something at you? He was behind me. He was behind me.

What was he mad at you about? Because I took his picture. He's a psycho. You just randomly took a picture of him? He's a psycho. Oh, you just randomly took a picture of him? Yeah. He's a great guy. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. And he chased you? He drove?

He chased me in his truck. Not the one he killed people in yet, but he chased me in his truck, 8 o'clock in the morning. Ran a couple red lights. I'm going to cut you off here. The detectives handed me this,. I'm going to ask you. It says police sketch at the top. They wanted me to ask you if this was the man. It's a big black penis

that they drew. A little bigger. Bigger. Maybe get a full notebook. Look at that. He almost killed you. Then what happened? I went to the parking garage where I was working. I pulled in, and I stopped at the gate.

Is that how that works? Is it just like out of GTA? If you work in a garage, you just pull in, and the door closes, and any trouble you were in out there just goes away? Safe game. Yeah, safe. I didn't think he would pull into the garage, and so he pulled in behind me, and he's, like, waving the attendant down. I was like, let me in. This guy's chasing me. And he didn't chase me. He didn't think he would pull into the garage, and so he pulled in behind me, and he's waving the attendant down.

I was like, let me in. This guy's chasing me. And he didn't chase me. He didn't open it. So he gets out of his car and walks up to my driver's side, and he's right here in my face. Oh, my God. Windows up? Oh, I cracked my window.

Oh, you cracked your window just enough so that he could just see your smirmy eyes? So I was like, yeah. And he was like, all that for a picture? Get your Verizon guy ass up out that car. What did he say? He said, all that for a picture? Oh my god, that is the scariest shit ever. He just wanted to let you know that he would have gotten you

if he wanted to murder you. Dude, you just fucking chased me. He was like, just... Was this a guy? They have three pieces of paper lined up. He has confirmed that is the guy. There he goes. Mario Tanti, everybody.

He's on Instagram at Mario Tarded. A lot of stuff happening. Philadelphia this week. Pittsburgh this weekend with three stand-up shows with guest spots from everybody on those. I'm headlining Miami. West Palm. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. RyanJEBelt.com for all prints.

We're taking his prints to Philly and Pittsburgh with us. Greg Fitzsimmons is going to Kansas City, Dallas, Vancouver. Listen to FitzDog Radio at FitzDog.com. That's where you can also get tickets to his shows, Kansas City, Dallas, Vancouver, coming up soon. And follow him on social media, Greg Fitzgerald. How about one more time for the great Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody? Come on!

You got Red Band and American Comedy Company, one night only, August 17th. Jeremiah Watkins right there, Jeremiah Wonders fame. Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Make some noise for Jeremiah, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Make some noise for Jeremiah, everybody.

Jeremiah is on social media. Jeremiah Stand Up. Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. New episode of Jeremiah Wonders out now with Eric Griffin. Eric Griffin is a guest. That's right. And then after the show, we're going to be... Oh, yes. I forgot.

Fuck. After the show, we have Reagan Watkins vinyl, if anybody's interested. They're going to be selling them. Limited supply. They'll sign them for you. As well as some hard copy CDs if you're into that as well. Yeah. How about one more hand for Detective Charles Jeremiah, huh?

And sitting next to him is the great Chroma Chris, Dick motherfucking Bates. Dick, what did you think of tonight's show? It was another killer, Tony. Wow. Hey,ucking Bates. Dick, what'd you think of tonight's show? It was another killer, Tony. Wow. Hey, Tony! Tony! We have a, the band has a big announcement that we would like to announce tonight. Oh, there's a big announcement. The Kill Tony Band is now officially

part of the Ernie Ball family, and we are Ernie Ball artists now. Official Ernie Ball artists. Ernie Ball, the famous guitar string. Shout out to Ernie Ball. Wow, look Ball, the famous guitar string. Shout out to Ernie Ball. Wow. Look at that. The band just dominating in musical sponsorship.

That's amazing. Ludwig and Ernie. Speaking of which, how about another big hand for official Ludwig artist, Joel Jimenez. Joel Berg. So much fun. What do you think, Joel? Did you have fun tonight? Yeah, I had a great time. Social media, mostly sorry.

What else? Nothing. Thank you to Ludwig Drums. I did an interview for One West Magazine. Check it out. Link's on my Instagram. Very cool. Very cool.

He's going to be with us in Philly and Pittsburgh. We're going to have a lot of fun this weekend. And, yeah, I mean, that's really it. Rate, review, subscribe, check out everything, and that's it, right? Good seeing you guys. Have a good night, live audience. There you go.

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