KILL TONY - KILL TONY #380 - PHILADELPHIA

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/25/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Bet365, we don't do ordinary. We believe that every sport should be epic. Every goal, every game, every point, every play. From the moments that are remembered forever to the ones you've already forgotten. Whether it's a game-winning goal in the final seconds of overtime or a shot-on goal in the first period. So whatever the sport, whatever the moment,

it's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit's never ordinary. At Bet365. Must be 19 or older. Ontario only. Please pay responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv, for every past episode of Kill Tony,

including video portions of the show. And also, if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world- Famous Comedy Store, but we're always on the road. August 3rd, we're going to be at the Let's Fest in Indiana doing two shows. We're also going to be at Hyenas in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd. And the road to Kill Tony is going to be at the Punchline August 16th. And then August 18th will be the Kill Tony Mania 2 at Cobbs in San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates for all the latest updates.

Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has his own dates doing stand-up. He has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com for posters and merch. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We got hats and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Fillmore in Philadelphia for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensclap. Wow, come on, Philadelphia. Make some noise. We're here.

Wow. How exciting is this? Brian Redman's here, everybody. We are live from the Fillmore Theater. It is packed. For those of you listening to the podcast, I mean, we did it. We sold it out. Minds were blown.

We were just in Philadelphia in March. Yeah. Some people said we were coming back to this market way too fast. Too big. But there's standing room only. Look, there's like fire exits. How exciting is this? Make some noise so that these listeners can hear you, Phil Moore.

Good God. Out of control. We're so excited to be back. We're pumped to be here. How many of you were at any of the shows that we had here in March? You guys are unbelievable. It's amazing. Loyal, loyal following we have here in Philadelphia.

Ryan Sheabell couldn't be here, but he did send along these amazing brotherly love Philadelphia special prints that we'll be signing for you after the show and also available after the show, the brand-new album from Reagan and Watkins. How about that? Climbing to the Trunks. That album cover. So cool.

Special shout out to Alex Yurkeba and Mike Sosnoski for the amazing, look at this, special Philadelphia Kill Tony bucket, special Eagles font. This place is crazy. Hey, look. There's a photographer. Look what I did for you. There you go, buddy. Two seconds? Uh-oh. Oh, shit. All right. There you go.

The show is live. Anything can happen. We're excited to be here, as always, with all these road shows, which we have a lot more coming up. Next week, we're in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Well, tomorrow, we're in Fort Wayne, Indiana. And, well, tomorrow we're in Pittsburgh. I think that's sold out.

That is sold out. Whoa, they're booing Pittsburgh. Welcome to another episode of Kill Tony, where cities that should be supporting each other push each other down. Yeah. Just booing an entire city of people, which is not easy to do when you live here in Philly, by the way. I don't know what you guys think you

have going on here, but I saw a lot of damage today. Oh, yeah. It's like Fallout, that video game Fallout. Dilapidated. I mean, it is unbelievable. Just the design of your city, how the

streets are laid out. What's a one-way? What isn't? Nothing makes any fucking sense. I saw burning corpses on the Cobbs Creek Parkway today. Had to take a detour. Yeah. That woman that was eating like a dead bird.

Remember when we drove by? There was a lady eating a dead bird. Yeah. What can I say other than that? You can't make it up. Dead bird and a lady. It was like corn on the cob. It was weird. It was like corn on the cob except it was a bird. Yeah. What can I say other than that? You can't make it up. Dead bird and a lady. It was like corn on the cob. It was weird.

Yeah, it was like corn on the cob, except it was a bird. Yeah. It wasn't a cob at all. It was just a bird, dead bird. As with all these road shows, we're going guestless tonight. Oh, yeah, also, you know, Kill Tony Mania. Oh, yeah. Coming up in San Francisco and Sacramento.

Don't sleep on that. And huge announcement coming. Well, Sacramento. Don't sleep on that. And huge announcement coming. Well, I'm going to guess on Monday. I'm going to say Monday's episode. Huge announcement to close out the touring for 2019. Spoiler alert, we will not be back in Philadelphia this year. We've been in Philadelphia more than we've been almost anywhere.

But that's just a sweet tale of the sport. How's the balcony doing up there? Jam-packed, I'm telling you. Fire hazard galore up there. This is so exciting. But this is it. I mean, I will say this. This is the biggest, most beautiful venue Kill Tony has ever been at. So let's make it special tonight, shall we?

Look at those chandeliers. As with all of our road episodes, there is no guest tonight. Gives us more time to run the real inside scoop with the show, find out more about the people, and plus it gives us the time to let the band speak up every now and then, because

there is a band here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania tonight. It's one of my favorite things in all of comedy. Every single episode, they commit to being characters. Maybe it's the return of some of their famous characters. Maybe it's a brand-new character we've never seen before. So let's all find out what they are tonight.

They're going to be with us the whole show. I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Uh-oh. Whoa! Wow! Shanks is here. Oh, shit. This is serious business, people. Two of the most popular characters in the history of the show have made it to Philadelphia. Of course, I'm probably guessing that you guys got in trouble here in Philadelphia in March and are just getting out now. Yo, those dead bodies you saw, that was us.

Jeez, you guys haven't even been tried for those crimes yet. That just happened. So, Shanks, welcome back to the show. Yo, what up? Shanks is in the building. Shanks has an actual shank on him tonight. I don't think I've ever seen that. Yeah, I actually got

this through TSL. I was kind of surprised. TSL? Wow. And then remind me of your name. Big Panic, dog. Oh, Big Panic, that's right. Happy to be behind the drums, fool. They don't have these in prison, dog.

My goodness. You guys seen any big celebrities in your prison time? Did you see... Yeah, the Lion King, fool. What? Yeah, they locked King, fool. What? Yeah, they locked that fool up, eh? He killed Scar, dog. They tried him for that?

Yeah, you gotta be trying, fool. Okay, big man. Yo, I saw Julia Roberts once, but then again I think it was just a dude with his dick tucked between his legs. Oh, that could've been. My goodness, I think it was just a dude with his dick tucked between his legs. Oh, that could have been. My goodness, I'm so

excited you guys are here. We're going to have so much fun. How about a hand for the band, guys? We're going to do this shit tonight. Coming in hot. A lot of cities wish they could have shanks and fucking big panic. But no, Philadelphia got it. Well deserved.

So we have them and we have this, the Bucket of Destiny, everybody. A bunch of people signed up. Philadelphia's very own custom-made Bucket of Destiny. And you know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 uninterrupted seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry Gabor Hood bear. There you go. Okay.

Okay. Very good. This is exciting. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Staircase right down the middle. You can't mess that up. No way you can mess that up. This is so exciting. What a beautiful place.

Alright, your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name of Mateo WM. Wow. He's already got a fan. Mateo WM. Here we go. One more time for Mateo WM, everybody. Yo, what up, Philly?

All right, yo, so September 20th. Let's talk about it. Area 51. Anybody know about this shit? Yeah. Who signed up? Good. To me, you know, I think it's just going to turn into Burning Man for incels and fucking dorks.

Instead of EDM music and art installations, they're going to listen to Ben Shapiro and just hate women. At the end of it, after they Naruto run into machine gun fire, instead of burning an effigy of a burning man, they're just going to get taken out by hundreds of hellfire missiles. Speaking of which, the dead bodies walking down here to the Fillmore, just about a block away, we saw a guy looking for crack. My girlfriend talked to me. She said, why would you say that? He's probably looking for something else. I said, yeah, he's definitely not looking for his grandmother's engagement ring. He had a backwards hat. Wow. All right.

Mateo WM. Wow. There you go. Bravo. Bravo. Hey, Tony. Eddie Bravo. Would have loved what you talked about up here tonight.

A lot of conspiracies. By the way, Eddie Bravo making his Kill Tony debut coming up this Monday. A very special conspiracy episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to the show. Yo. How are you, Mateo? I'm doing good, dude. How you doing? Good. Was that your first time on stage?

First time doing comedy on stage, definitely. Hell yeah. What was your other times on stage? I play music. Oh, yeah? Yeah, this is Bruno Mars if he wasn't talented. And shorter and uglier. Yeah. So, welcome, welcome. You said that this is your first time doing comedy on stage.

What else have you done? I mean, like, what do you do musically? Right now I'm jamming, but in college. I graduated, like, last year, but I played shows. What did you graduate with a degree in? Biology. Biology. Yes, sir.

Uh-huh. And so, let's talk about that. You're in a jam band, you said? We do some jam, rock and roll, reggae, a bunch of shit. What do you do in the band? Play bass, switch off the guitar sometimes, and I sing. Oh, wow. Can you give us a little example of, like, a lyric that, uh...

Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I like your style. Take me to the river. And wash me in the water. And I'm going to tell you something now. Joe Burden got a mustache and he's loud.

Hell yeah. Hey, yo, Jeremiah, where's that sax? Oh, shit. Give me that sax. Let me hear some fucking shanks. Nah, I'm good. All right, baby. All right, we chill.

All right. Now, stick with me, Mateo. You're not going anywhere. Yo, don't drag me into that, dog. Why? We're going to get a murder. Mateo, you have a fucking interesting look. What is your ethnicity?

What are you, Italian and fucking Puerto Rican or something? Italian and Peruvian. And Peruvian. Sicilian. Sicilian and Peruvian. By the way, your singing sounded like Little Richard constipated. I'm okay with that. Take me to the toilet.

Mateo, so let's talk about it. You said you came here with your girlfriend? I did, yeah Wow, I mean Well you're leaving here alone, fool You look like a Sesame Street kid all grown up He does look like that That's exactly what you look like

Mateo, what do you do for work? I'm in pharmaceuticals. Oh, yeah? What the fuck does that mean? I make cancer medicine. Really? How do you do that? You sit in a lab?

Sort of. Yeah, it's like a big old kind of lab area. Library. We put things in bioreactors, and they grow cancer medicine antibodies. Why'd you do this when you said bioreactors? Because I don't think anyone really knows what a bioreactor is. I do, fool. I read in prison, antibodies. Why did you do this when you said bioreactors? Because I don't think anyone really knows what a bioreactor is. I do, fool.

I read in prison, dog. Tell him, big panic, explain to him what a bioreactor is. A bioreactor is when a guy likes girls and guys. Just can't beat that. The old home run derby king over there. Big panic. So it's just like a giant, like, it looks like a distillery, except they put, like, media in there for cells to grow,

and the cells secrete antibodies, and those antibodies... Okay, okay, that's enough. Yo, this dude is a nerd, man. Is that true? Are you a nerd? You seem like a cool guy. That's what's interesting about you. You look like a child, but you have the body of, like, the stepfather that would beat me or something like that. Get your shit together, kid. I read. I do read.

Yeah. So, uh, you work out a lot? Uh, push-ups and pull-ups and sit-ups. Yeah, your chest is huge for the rest of your body. Whoa, look at that. You're work out a lot? Push-ups and pull-ups and sit-ups. Yeah, your chest is huge for the rest of your body. Whoa, look at that. You're just making a twitch. Look at that. He's got the little baby lesbian body, and he can do that.

You're built like a frog. I mean, it's like Rhea Perlman's baby boy or something. I always wonder what it would look like if her and Danny DeVito popped out a baby. I know. It's not Danny DeVito. Yeah, it's Danny. Is that who they're? Yeah.

Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman? Yeah. Okay. Is that your natural hair or do you curl it? No, it's curly, dude. Do you think someone would do that to themselves? No, everything's perfect in my life. I got to really fuck up my hair.

You think he sits underneath one of those heat things that moms used to sit under before they realized it gave them all cancer? Yeah. No, that's not true. What kind of shampoo do you use? Head and shoulders? It was like a Morocco curl thing. I don't know. My mom got it for me.

Wow. We see who wears the... Fuck. Oh. All right. Nothing. Hey, how many push-ups can you do? I can probably do maybe 50, maybe over.

Wow. Shanks, how many can you do? You've been in prison a long time. Let's do it. over. Wow. Shanks, how many can you do? You've been in prison a long time. Let's do it. Hey. Whoa, he's taking off the jewels, ladies and gentlemen. My feeling here, let me just tell you my prediction here. I think Shanks is going to be able to do 50 as well,

but I feel like his form is not going to be quite the same as Mateo WM's. He's stretching for push-ups, ladies and gentlemen. How are we doing this? Yeah, you guys got to both go down at the same time. Okay. And then you guys try to go at the same speed. You know, keep an eye on each other on your peripherals. Or should we see who can do 50 first, like the fastest?

Okay. Yeah, let Like the fastest. Okay. Yeah, let's do that. Done. Well, no, that's not fair. Mateo has much longer arms. I think it should be beat for beat. I think we should just spend the next three minutes of our lives watching this. What are we doing this?

In between every push-up, we kiss. What? No, no. You fools are homo reactors. We kiss. What? No, no. You fools are homo reactors. My favorite thing wasn't even the joke that Shanks just made. It was Mateo's reaction. Like, what?

We have to kiss, dude? Oh, no. Okay. All right, here we go. They're going down. Wow, look at this. Oh, they're going down in a wrestling stance. And here we go. One, two, three, four, five, six.

This is one of the worst ideas we ever had. 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. They are looking in each other's eyes, ladies and gentlemen. They have to make out at the end of this. It's definitely going to happen. Big Panic is on the scene. He's watching. He's probably about to rape Mateo right now.

He's really eyeballing Mateo. This is incredible. They have to be... What do you guys got? 31? 34? Oh, keep going, keep going. Mateo's... Fuck. Big Panic is breaking the rules.

Oh, here we go. Here we go. You got 28. Yeah. No, you guys are at, I'll say, 40. 41. Wow, Shanks, much like I predicted earlier. The form is really starting.

This looks like one of Philadelphia's bridges. It's very shoddy right now. Look at his butt. It's shaking. Shdy right now Look at his butt it's shaking Shanks is at 48 His ass is vibrating 49 Shanks make it a good one

Wow Mateo is standing over him Oh my goodness Mateo looks like he's going to ride him Like in the never Ending Story. That's a weird reference. Oh God. Step away from the towel, handful.

Alright. Mateo, come up to the mic one last. Tell us something that you'd be embarrassed for us to know about you. Hey, yes. Another hand for Shanks. 50 push-ups. I think I wet my bed until I was like 12 or 11.

I was so hoping you were going to say like 23 just then. Wow, 12 or 11. Man, I just killed myself in this crowd. They gave me nothing, dog. Yeah, push-ups. I mean, it's just push-ups.

It's just push-ups. I mean... I mean, it's just push-ups. It's just push-ups. Just push-ups. Is this Shanks or is this Jeremiah over there? Because Shanks is in prison a lot. He does a lot of push-ups. I've never heard my friend Jeremiah ever doing a push-up. So it seems like... All right.

Oh, what's that? Man, you turned that weight gain challenge fat into some real muscle over there. Look at those ta-tas. All right. Mateo, congratulations on attempting stand-up tonight. Is it something that you've always wanted to do? Kill Tony for sure. Hell yeah, man.

I love this show. Watching for years. I love it. We love you. Thanks for doing push-ups. Thanks for coming up here. Go to an open mic sometime. Fucking try.

Try. Jeremiah really does seem bummed out. If Jeremiah has a heart attack up here from doing 50 push-ups, it's going to be so sad. I really think they did way over 50, by the way. Were you keeping count? You counted 70? Wow, 70 push-ups.

Come on, make some noise for Shanks, everybody. One of Shanks' old prison buddies counted for him. All right, one word name. Put your hands together for your next comedian. Dane. It's Dane. Here he comes. There was a second there where I was hoping it was Dane Cook,

and he was doing an arena in town tonight, and he just signed up to be funny. Oh, we just met this guy, right? Here he is. Dane, everybody. How y'all doing? Man, you guys ever just choke on your own saliva? You guys

are attractive. I'm not ready for this. I don't know if I'm ready for this. So I got fired a couple weeks ago. Yep, yep, it was one of those where you get fired, but you were trying to quit, so it's, you know, it's right in the middle for me. I wasn't ready for being fired, though,

because I didn't have my finances set up that way. It's just been rough. 2 a.m., video games, all night. I don't know what to do with myself. I got a new job on Monday. It kind of feels like I'm rambling a little bit, doesn't it? That's what it kind of feels like to me. Anyways, Jesus, 60 seconds, really? Feels like at least it's like 50 push-ups. Hey, Dane.

There you go. Welcome, Dane. It's the first time doing stand-up, right? Yeah. I think we have a pretty good idea of what's going on. The choked on saliva thing, Did you pre-plan that? I was actually choking on saliva. What part did you start choking on saliva?

You want to be choking on more saliva? Hey. Shanks wants to get all up in that throat, dude. I started choking on saliva earlier today when I had an issue with my seat somewhere over there. Couldn't figure out where I was supposed to sit. My ticket said one thing. A man said

another to me. I just moved about. He's like, dude, you can sit wherever you want, bro. Right. Well, I mean, you know, with the jam packed. Do you have a lot of saliva in your mouth? Jesus. Do you have a lot of saliva in your mouth? Usually. A lot of saliva in your mouth? Jesus. Do you have a lot of saliva in your mouth easily?

A lot of what? Salava. Oh, boy. I don't know if you can tell, but I have a large neck beard. It also means that I am a subreddit moderator. So, yeah, I produce a lot of saliva is what I'm trying to say. Oh, gosh. You ever been butt fucked by a cholo? Good question.

Have you, Dane? Have you ever been butt fucked by a cholo? Good question Have you Dane? Have you ever been butt fucked by a cholo? No Would you like to be? I'm a total top What? Not in my house I'm a top He's a top

I do the fucking Oh is that true? Yeah I mean Have you ever had sex with a cholo man? No What kind of men have you had sex with? To be honest, Grindr is not a happy place

for many men, so I just, you know, it's a bisexual thing. I like women more. Men, you know, I had... Yo, man, you still gay, man. Oh, James. So let's talk about it.

So how many men to women have you had sex with? Like, what's about your ratio? Oh, man, it's going to sound like I'm... Say it slow. Oh. So I've actually counted because I was concerned for myself at a point in my life. Say that again.

I've actually counted because I was concerned for my well-being at a point in my life. It's 20 women and five men. 20 women and five men. Hell yeah, the ladies love that. Look at that. I'm going to start calling you quarters. Those women that wooed at that must be real sluts, I bet. That's my guess.

They're like, yeah, 25 people. That makes me less dirty. Right? Now, when you fuck women, do you just fuck their butts mostly? No, no. It's not like that at all. It's really just a, you know. Welcome to another episode of Inside the Actor's Studio with Brian Redman.

Asking the deep emotional questions. Oh, you fuck all your fuck the girl's butts, too? It's okay. When you get to heaven, do you want God to say, do you fuck their butts? James Lipton. Never mind. I got it. I got it.

So what's the last one you hooked up with, woman or man? Woman. And what was that like? How did that go down? Just a random hookup, internet, old friend? Bumble. Bumble. Yeah, it's a thing now.

So it was Bumble. And, yeah, I mean. So where did you guys meet? On Bumble. I'm saying like when you physically met each other. Fuck you guys for laughing at that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, let's for laughing at that. Ha ha ha ha. Let's poke the bear tonight.

Huh? Well, where did we first meet? Oh, she worked at a supermarket in a bakery. You met her at the place that she works? Yeah. Hey, what's up? Just met you on Bumble. That was her idea.

Okay, so you show up to the supermarket. What's going on? She's like, hey, there's about to be a spill in aisle four. Let's go. No, no. It was more like I just was sitting back there in the bakery while she did the remainder of her prep work for the rest of the day. Wow.

How long did you stay there for? You just hung out? Oh, yeah. Give us a ballpark. Don't try to be funny. I'm asking you a fucking question, man. I'm dead serious. How long did you sit in the back of the bakery watching her bake?

It was easily two hours. Two hours. Perfect. That is the most frightening shit I've ever heard in my life. The thought of you staring at this innocent girl who's like, hey, I'm at work right now. And you're like, I'm on my way. It's okay. I'll just sit in the back and watch you bake.

It's the yeast I could do. Stupid. Baking jokes, people. What do you want from me? Improvised bakery jokes. So you're sitting there on a fucking bag of flour jerking off, right? Just slow stroke. And red pubes just flying in the air.

The carpet doesn't match the drapes. What did I tell you about trying to be funny? The fuck did I tell you about trying to be funny? You want to put that money where the mouth is? I think this audience wants to see those pubes. Is that true? Are you really saying that your pubes are a different color than the rest of you? 100%.

100%? How many of you want to see this guy's pubes right now? Place goes crazy, dude. I got back just the pubes, by the way. Do not pull out your dick and balls right now. Are we live? Are we live? Pull out your pubes, you idiot. Who the fuck are you?

What color are those pubes, Shane? Yo, dog, those are red as hell. Yeah, those are red. What the fuck do you mean the carpet doesn't match the drapes? That's the exact same color as your face. They're even brighter red.

Dude, it looked like you had William Montgomery in a leg lock down there, bro. I mean, you are in pure fucking pubic denial, my friend. Well, his beard is a different color than the top of his head. It's all fucked up. There's a lot going on there. Did you dye the top of your head? I did not. It's just blonde like that. So it goes blonde, red, red.

You're like an old school Hulk Hogan t-shirt or something like that. Butterscotch. A lot of yellow. Did I do that joke on Kill Tony recently? What did I do? Yeah, it was funny. I did? That was Monday?

That's so funny. Yeah, it was funny. I'm like, oh, maybe it was one of the other shows. I was just raving. It worked both times, though. Okay. So, Dane, first of all, the carpet does match the drapes. All right?

We're talking about, like, grandmother's, old grandma's house style, where, like, everything's the same color, usually pink or light blue or bright red. So tell us something about you, Dane. You have a new, you just got fired. Where'd you get fired from? I'd rather not say the name of the company.

Fired? Who gives a shit? Where'd you get fired from? I mean, it was a company, I did IT work for like a company that did like... Okay, you're right. I don't want to know about it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What's the job interview you get fired from? I mean, it was a company. I did IT work for like a company that did like. Okay, you're right. I don't want to know about it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What's the job interview you have on Monday?

IT work for a company that just, you know, intermediary company. What did you get a degree in? I dropped out of high school. Dropped out of high school and you have all these IT jobs. That's weird to me. That's not really an industry where I see a lot of people getting not college degree work. How do you do that? I just built my own computer and, you know, just super nerd kind of thing.

I've always been involved in technology since. Have you been on the dark web? Yeah. What have you purchased off the dark web? Oh, boy. Red pubes. I actually have a... 2 a.m. video games.

That's your thing? Yeah, I watch as you kill Tony. Yeah? Well, I mean, kill Tony's only, what, an hour and a half a week or so, right? Yeah, but you gotta binge it. Like, you save up, and then you can... I bet you do.

Knock it down. So, let's talk about these dudes that you've fucked before. So how does that happen? You just go to their job at the auto shop and watch them work for two hours and then just fucking butt fuck them? No, no. It's more of a... Romantic, it's more.

It's a mutual thing, actually. They go to an application an application called grinder for example and you know you put a lot of your uh success on the app that started the whole thing yeah i mean if it wasn't for grinder i probably would have never got my dick sucked by a man so like where does that happen for example it's like when you got your dick sucked, you take him back to your place? No, no, fuck no. Fuck no. Why do you say fuck no like that? Because the dudes that I hooked up with,

there's a reason there was only five. Why? They were all on the same basketball team? No. They were all equally as disgusting, is what I'm trying to say. Are these the Philadelphia 76ers we're talking about here?

The 69ers now. Yo, you need to stop acting like you cool and stuff. It's like talking about how disgusting these dudes are. You still gay, man. You let them suck your dick. And like most gay men's

places, the carpet does match the trees. That's so stupid. Honestly, I have black pubes. They're just a little short right now. Oh, you have nothing but excuses in the pube department, dude. You have all excuse specialists down there. Okay, so let me just get to the final question about this.

What's the shadiest thing you've done with another man? Come on, tell the truth, dude. Oh, man. So, I mean, he had a wig. He had a wig. Oh, yes. What kind of wig was it? Did it have red pubes all over it?

No, no. It was a wig. What kind of wig was it? Did it have red pubes all over it? No. It was a wig. What kind of wig? Are we talking about Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction? Like a little black one? Gray hair down to his nipples. Fucking Devil's Rejects style. He was legitimately about 50.

50 years old? Gray wig? I know I look like I'm 34 going on 40, but I'm actually 22. No, you're not. You are not 22. Oh, my. Let me see you real quick. I believe you.

I believe you. You want to see his ID? No, I wanted to see him just so I know who I'm making fun of. All right, you can turn around now. Wow, that totally took advantage of you, man. I was 18 when it happened. 18 when it happened. Yeah.

Oh, my God. I've not done anything like these crazy shenanigans. It's okay. It's not shenanigans. What church was it at? Philadelphia Catholic. So where did it really go down at? You met this guy on Grindr?

In his house. He's like, hey, come on over. I'm just a fucking... Yeah, he was super aggressive about it, if I'm being honest. But that sort of probably what? Turned you on? Yeah, you know, I had this whole complex with wanting to put myself into weird situations.

Hell yeah. What's your relationship with your father like? Honestly? Disappointing. Tell me. The way you said honestly, I feel like it might be really great. He's dead. He died when I was 18.

I was literally just going to say, did he die when he found out that you fucked a 50-year-old man in a wig? Is that what happened? Did he die when he found out that you fucked a 50-year-old man in a wig? Is that what happened? Did he die fucking you? Too far, Red Band. Too far. No. No. He died of a heart attack.

Natural heart attack. I mean, a 56, though. Super sad story. Heart attack music. Wow. So was it before or after you hooked up with the guy with the wig? It was before. It was before.

It was before. Wow. So your dad died and you immediately started being interested in fucking dudes. Yeah. You think that maybe you were looking for love from a man in place of your father no of course not no that would be silly it would be silly it would also be psychology it's crazy thing so i'm gonna finish this up this up. You've been up here way too long. But so then you go to this guy's house. He's wearing the wig and everything.

And then what happens? Oh, man. Well, you know, he asked me if I wanted some tequila, to which I said yes. Hell, yeah, because you saw what you were dealing with. You're like, oh, fuck. I've got to get fucked up. You know, with Tinder and Grindr, there's this thing that people do with, you know, like taking photos at certain angles that kind of disguise.

Oh, no, I know. You got fucking. You got. I got got. You got real catfish, dude. Yeah. And, you know, I was just there for the experience. You got your whole aquarium invaded.

We fucked. Wow. You guys both fucked each other? No, no. I didn't get fucked. Like I said, I'm a total top. You just fucked him? Yep.

You're like, bend your fucking old man ass over. Spread those cheeks. This tequila's kicking in, you dirty bitch. You still gay. There he goes, everybody. There goes Dane. Dane, so much fun. Congratulations.

Come on, people. Put your fucking hands together for Dane. Hell yeah. The band is killing it. Wow. What song is that again? Build Me Up Buttercup. Hey.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Your next comedian is Dorian Vasquez. Here we go. Dorian Vasquez. Here he comes. He's got a hard sprint. Steady pace. One more time, good and loud for Dorian Vasquez, everybody.

All right. 9-11. When that first plane hit, do you think there was a dude on the ground who was like, Hey, only in New York. Y'all fucks with impressions? Alright. Here's my impression of a New York steel beam. Hey, I'm melting over here.

All right. That's really all I prepared, but... Yeah, and I got told I look evil recently, which I get it. Fucking, I know what I look like. Fucking sucks when you look like Ted, like Ben Shapiro or that kid who upped the price on AIDS pills. Every day I wake up, look in the mirror and flinch. There we go. There you go, Dorian Vasquez.

Hell yeah. Coming in guns a-blazin'. I remember you from your last time on this show. You killed at Helium, correct? Yeah. Look at you, a little humble pie. Welcome back. Caught you guys at Skank Fest. It was a great show.

Oh, yeah? You were there? Yeah, man. Yeah, the Goku's on. That was... Oh, yeah. My shoes. Did you sign up for that show, too? No, I had to take off for that one.

I had another show down in Jersey. Oh, okay. Where do you live? I live in West Philly right now. West Philly. Is that where you're from? No, I'm originally from Englewood, California. Remind us how you ended up out here again.

How do you go from California to here? Honestly, I don't know. I was living in Ohio for a while, and then I said, fuck Ohio. Why were you in Ohio? My brother convinced us all it was a simpler place. What part of Ohio? Columbus. Very good.

Good place. Boo! Boo! My whole city's made of brick. Uh-huh, uh-huh. So you didn't like Columbus, and you moved to Philly because you thought that would be better? I was trying to be on the East Coast, but I don't have money, so Philly. Why don't you have money?

What do you do? Right now I'm just freelancing as a videographer. Yeah? My unemployment just ran out. What was your unemployment from? I was working at a welding school for a while. A what? A welding school.

How do you get unemployment from welding school? Were you teaching people how to weld? No, I was career services. I was trying to find these guys jobs. How old are you? You look so young. 29. 29?

Yeah. You have a girlfriend? No. How long have you been single for? Wow, was that you that made that sound? He just quaked. Was that you or his soundboard? That was a special...

It's like some real fucking George Lucas shit. Okay, Brian. Very good. There's your one. That was Shanks. Jesus. I'm a single unemployed comic who fucking took up wrestling. I don't fucking date. Took up wrestling? Yeah, well, we talked

about that last. Oh, yeah, you're a pro wrestler. Yeah, I tried it. Yeah, what's your name again in the ring? Oh, no, that show a pro wrestler. I tried it. What's your name again in the ring? Oh, no, that show ended up falling through. What? Maybe the only one that can't hear. Can we maybe turn up the monitors a little bit in here? I'm having a little bit of a hearing problem.

It's just echoey up here. Yeah. Maybe a little more coming from, like like definitely that mic if possible. That sounds good. It's all good. You guys having fun out there? Check. So Dorian, how often do you wrestle?

I was actually practicing the first time the show ended up falling through because I do video work. So I had to make money that night. Right. So how often do you wrestle? No, I haven't. I haven't actually been on a show yet. Oh, you haven't hit the ring yet. Wow.

Yeah, just practicing. What kind of video work? I'm the house videographer for comedy clubs around the city. Helium and occasionally Punchline. Wow. Look at that. Just working for everybody. God, so Dorian, what do you do?

What's exciting about your life when you're not doing stand-up or videoing other people doing stand-up? That must be sort of cool. Oh, I'm fucking boring. That's about all I do. I'll be honest. Yeah, but what do you do for fun? What's your guilty pleasure? Like what's something that you really enjoy that you do on a regular basis?

Apart from wrestling. But you don't fucking wrestle. So what are you talking about? When you say that, what do you mean? I mean, like, practicing all that, I'm just trying to stay active, like, as far as, like, keeping healthy. Oh, you practice a lot. Yeah. Uh-huh. So, like, what are some moves that you know how to do?

Right now, I just, last time a dude was trying to get me with a choke slam, like, teach me how to take that fall. Right. Did you learn how to do it? No, I'm a coward. I realized eight feet in the air is a lot for a short guy. Well, what if someone that was like 5'9 choke slammed you? Do you think you could handle that?

I don't know. I haven't been choke slammed yet, so I'm just trying to learn how to take that. I feel how hard that drum elevated thing is. What, this? No. Oh, yeah. That'd be a is. What the? Yeah. This? No, Joel. Oh, yeah, no. That'd be a hard fall, right?

That would hurt. You're a fucking pussy, dude. That's what you are. That's all I'm hearing. You're like the opposite of mankind. You're like, ouchie, I don't know about that. What's the hardest bump that you've taken so far? Anything?

I don't know what the move is I'll tell you what the move is Just explain it to me He got to do the Lex Luger Just kind of waterfall That's a Samoan back body drop There you go Not kidding

Idiot Yeah, you fucking dumbass You call yourself a wrestler, bro? I was going to choke slam you Until you fucking wentass. You call yourself a wrestler, bro? I was gonna choke slam you until you fucking went soft on us. Oh, man. So, Dorian, you're a wrestler that doesn't wrestle. How often do you do stand-up comedy?

Pretty much every day for the last seven years. How often do you videotape other people doing it? Actually, yeah. That's... I do it, yeah. Are you a fucking show pony dude?

That's a dumb answer. Funny you should ask. I wrestle, but I don't. Yeah. Nah, yeah. Pretty much every weekend whenever people call me to just video. You jerk off a lot? Of course.

How often? What's your average, do you think? At least once a day. It's a bad habit, yes, I'm a fucking idiot. Dorian, describe to Tony how you masturbate and he can tell you what the move is. Oh, man. To pictures of Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, I don't know what the fuck just happened there. I tried to make a comeback and it failed.

You ever been with a guy? Oh, my God. Brian, what do you think, lightning strikes twice? Come on Are you fucking kidding me? You think this guy has a one guy for every five girls ratio? Do you ever play doctor as a child like with the other neighborhood kids?

Wait, what? I'm gonna get you out of here, Dorian We spent too long with all the other people I mean, an unbelievable set by the way Unbelievably great. But I will give a little tidbit of advice, and I know I didn't even do this for the people that were horrible at this,

the two before you. But I will say this, is that when you come out guns a-blazin' like that, 9-11, and you have great jokes, no matter how long the set is, it's a challenge that I have to go through a lot. It's like if I'm working out a fun bit, right, and say I'm in L.A. and I only have 15 minutes,

if I want to start with that bit, I have to have fucking strong, edgy shit to go after that, right, to follow it. Because what they remember is that end. And you did as hard as you slammed for 45 seconds, all you needed was one more fucking one-liner to go out and fucking light yourself on fire and be considered a hero. So just always fucking focus on closing strong. If you have to start soft with,

what was the topic that you closed with? The little cutie pie joke at the end? Yeah, just looking evil. Yeah, about looking evil. That could go first. Some people say I look evil, even though I don't really see that. I don't think you look evil. I think you look like a likable young man,

the kind of guy that wouldn't even spend a day in a Trump detention center. You know what I mean? They'd be right in like, oh, look at his glasses. Get him out of here. Look at that attempt at a mustache. Come on. Get back into America. Okay, Dorian. Congratulations.

There he goes. Dorian Vasquez. Closing strong from now on. You should close with those bangs that you're getting right at the beginning there. Go to 9-11. You can't really follow a 9-11 joke. You either close with 9-11 or you fucking have some crazy shit coming up after that. Go right into abortion jokes.

Again, I like to start with abortion jokes. I like to do abortion jokes in the first trimester of any set that I do pulled another name out of the bucket make some noise for Davey Collins everyone old Davey Collins here we go here he comes

hell yeah here he is Philadelphia's Davey Collins so I got a four year old twin boys Here he is, Philadelphia's Davey Collins. So I got four-year-old twin boys. Don't clap for them, they're fucking savages. They're constantly mashing their dicks into each other. I used to think I was pretty open-minded about other people's sexual preferences,

but all this toddler docking going on in my house, it made me realize I'm a hardcore bigot when it comes to incest. It's just fucking gross. I was thinking about with all this docking going on do you think that in 60 years from now people are going to start to accept incest like we're accepting regular gay people thank you I fucking love it Davey Collins welcome Thank you.

I fucking love it, Davey Collins. Welcome. I loved it. You talked about yourself, something that only you can talk about. You got twin boys bashing their dicks into one of each other, into each other's dicks,

and then you followed it up with a smart little incest thing. I've always sort of in the back of my mind wondered that. You know? It's like, I mean, if family members really did want to fuck, I mean, if that's truly what made them happy. Well, there's a lot of countries that it's actually okay and accepted. Norway is very popular incest community.

Nothing you're saying is true right now. Nothing you're saying is true. I just hope that shit doesn't come over here. Red Bull and vodka talking. So Davey, you have four twin, two four four twins. Two four-year-olds.

Two four-year-old twin boys. Yes. And that's true? They really bash their dicks together? Yeah, they went through a pretty hardcore phase of just mashing them together. They thought it was funny or were they hard? No, I mean, I don't think they can get hard at four yet. Maybe they just thought they were walking into a mirror.

Hey. They're not identical. They're actually opposite. Oh, really? The carpet doesn't match the drapes? No. You got one redhead and one redhead? No, I do have one redhead, though. You do have a redhead? Yeah, I got a ginger. Wow.

Ew. My goodness. Wow. So are you still with the baby mama? I am. I've been married for five years. Five years. Hell yeah. And what do you do for work?

I work at a local casino overnight. Oh, shit. What do you do at the casino? When somebody hits a jackpot, I bring them the money. So I'm like a money waiter. Wow. Look at you, the fucking jackpot man. Yeah.

I called out twice to come see Kill Tony. Hey, look at that. I've only called out four times all year. Two of them are to come to this show. Wow. Thanks, man. That's so fucking cool. Taking your chances.

And today you win the jackpot. Maybe. Look at that. Anybody ever do anything crazy when they win something big in the casino? You ever seen anything nuts happen? Like someone just like cut off a finger or something yeah they're bump dicks grave shift in a casino they're absolute fucking maniacs you got like the worst of the worst people in there at 4 a.m they don't have work the next day so you just only imagine what they so what hours do you work what is the graveyard i work uh eight o'clock

at night till six in the morning wow that's crazy so when you get home what the boys are almost gonna be what waking up for school when that shit comes around the corner yeah they're uh they're off for the summer so i pretty much get like a nap till noon and then i have them the rest of the day till my wife gets home from like 5 o'clock. Damn. Damn. You're fucking doing it. What does the wife do for work? She's an orthodontist assistant. She puts on braces. Hell yeah. So you work the opposite

hours as your wife. You must have zero love life, so you must take advantage of all the prostitutes. No, no, no. We have the same days off. We both work four days a week, so we got Friday, Saturday, Sunday to knock the boots. You guys just fucking bash your private parts together just like yeah pretty much she wants number three right now so there's a lot of that do you have any special sexual maneuvers that you do in the bedroom that you could teach us is there like a special like davey collins fucking with a twist

you know what i mean the old davey collins fucking rump there is not and my wife would definitely attest for that it is not good no surprised I made two at one shot to be honest with you wow look at you do you remember the time that you came inside your wife that time were you like no I

came inside her every time so it's like what my goodness yo what's your wife's number hey what is your wife's number? Hey. What is your wife's number, Davey? I don't even know. I'm just kidding.

I got arrested before and I couldn't call her. I had to call my grandmom because I didn't know her number. Isn't that funny? I only know one phone number and it's my dad's home phone for some reason. It's my grandmom's home phone number. She's the only one with a home phone anymore. Yeah. Hell yeah. Does your grandma take

loads? She also had twins. Really? My mom's a twin. Wow. I got a six shooter right here. Hell yeah. Looks like that's the only thing that runs in your family. It's got a little belly. Alright. Whatever. Fuck you guys.

It's the dad bod. Davey, what's something that we'd be surprised to know about you, maybe from your childhood or your teenage years, something like that? I grew up in a trailer park. Oh, I believe that. Not surprising. Man, how many years of your life did you spend in the trailer park? 13 years.

My goodness, you were a real little fucking little stump jumping hillbilly, huh? So many fights. Just your bare feet with a fucking branch of a tree just looking for shit. Mountain ducans everywhere. Fleas in your belly button. My

parents got divorced at six and my dad took all the beds with him. So I didn't have a bed until I was, like, nine years old. Damn. What did you sleep on? Did you ever see, like, this little fold-out, like, styrofoam? Or not styrofoam. Yeah.

Little couches. Little fold-out beds. Yeah. Little pillows. What was it like fucking your brothers and sisters on that? I didn't share a room with my sister for those 13 years. Did you ever touch tips with her? Rub it on the outside a little?

Red band. Red band. This guy didn't touch tips with his sister. Does he seem like he would ever do that? He's closing with an incest. What made you talk about incest? Just because my sons really were doing

that and that just came to my mind like this is fucking gross but like not that long ago everybody thought like just a regular gay dude was gross in like the 60s so what did you say to your boy what do you say to your boys when you see them slamming their dicks together aggressively this is the true story that's how i got him to stop doing it yeah i told him that Pee Wee Herman went to jail for touching his own dick in a movie theater they know who Pee Wee Herman is a modern day four-year-old yeah he's on Netflix they love that show oh shit but then uh of down the road it morphed into Abraham Lincoln went to jail for touching his dick. I never corrected it.

I'm going to let him roll with that. Wow. Jesus Christ. He did take a shot to the head. Four score. All right, Davey. Well, fucking great set, man. Is this your first?

How often do you do? My sixth time. Wow. First time I ever did it was the? How often do you do? My sixth time. Wow. First time I ever did it was the night you guys were here in Philly last time. Hell yeah. I didn't get called up. There was an open mic two blocks away, and I did it my first time that night.

I love it, dude. Well, great fucking performance. Thank you. We love having you. Thanks for taking off work and hanging out with us. Thank you, guys. Come on. Make some noise for Davey Collins, everybody. That's great.

Yeah. Can you imagine having twins? No. I can't. Just one. I wish you could have half of one. Is that light supposed to be pointed at me? It seems like it's been on a lot lately.

Oh, it's your Philadelphia cough. Yeah, we just had a massive lighting change. What? Never mind, I just said we had a massive lighting change right there. I think there was. I think there was a lighting change. Make some noise for Kevin Brocious, your next comedian. There he is.

In the lucky back corner. Here he comes. He's got a good waddle. Kevin Brocious, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Come on, one more time for Kevin, everybody. Thank you. Get this. Get this. I had to take a piss time for Kevin, everybody. Thank you. Get this.

I had to take a piss test for my new job. I got 11 feet. I passed the test. They loved it. They hired me on the spot. They didn't like that one. They didn't like that one. I feel like we can all afford the monthly subscription cost

of knowing an ex-loved one's login credentials. So we're all watching the same thing. We're all watching Netflix. Like today, I was watching Netflix for most of the day on my ex-girlfriend's account, just finishing the shows that she had started watching and paused halfway through. I cleaned out the continued watching list.

It's gone. I'm petty like that. The my list, I cleaned out the my list. Her my list is now my my list. When she logs in next, she's only gonna see one show recommendation, Making a Murderer. making a murderer.

I did, I like, there was a Bigfoot documentary I watched recently, and I realized that Bigfoot is very similar to my dad, of all people, yeah, because I also have just one blurry picture of him from the late 60s,

and I don't know if he exists or not. I don't know if he's real. There you go. Kevin Brocious. Welcome,'t know if he's real. There you go. Kevin Brocious. Welcome, Kevin. Thank you. Hello. First time doing stand-up? No, it's not. How long have you been doing it?

I'm about five years in. Five years in. Yeah. The audience gasps for air. Thank you. Five years. All of it here in Philly? No, I'm not in Philly. I'm in central Pennsylvania. This is the first time doing it with one arm tied behind your back though,

right? Yeah. From where? I live in Milton, Pennsylvania. Where's that at? It's just right in the middle of the state. Yo, that sounds like the white people part of Pennsylvania. Yes, very. You look like you part of Pennsylvania. Yes, yes, very. You look like you're from Mill House, Pennsylvania.

Thank you. Thank you. Milton, Pennsylvania. What type of population are they working with down there in Milton? I don't know, maybe 5,000. Wow, 5,000. That's where you were born and raised? Yeah, near there.

How old are you? 33. 33 years old, been doing comedy for five years. What do you do for work? Currently, I'm cab driving. An actual taxi cab? Correct. None of the Lyfts are Uber.

Is it yellow? No, it's white. White taxi cab. How long have you been doing that for? Three months. Three months. And in Milton, they call taxis. There is no Uber, right?

There is no Uber. There's no Lyft. right there is no uber there's no lift um it's um it's mainly again it's like the people who take taxi cabs are are either extremely poor or extremely rich it's like the people who don't have cars of their own or they can just afford to pay me to drive them around right no yeah that's that's how taxi cabs work yeah that's that's a pretty international thing. Thank you. Some people have cars. Some people don't. So, Milton, what else in your life? What do you do for fun?

I just called you Milton. Your name's Kevin. You're from Milton. You're from Milton. Milton, what else do you do? I thought Milhouse. I'm an artist as well. What kind of art?

Graphic art, computer art, typography. You must get all the pussy. Out of all the types of art, those are the ones that really just... You just make font? Oh my God, is that your taxi cab? I have before. You're so good at Photoshop. Oh, yeah. Wow.

So you have a girlfriend back in Milton? I have a girl, but not necessarily a relationship. She's not your friend. She's an enemy. She's tied up. It's not a relationship. Why isn't it

a relationship? You keep repeating that. Like she yells it at you once a week. In case she's listening live, I need to just confirm. She's not listening live. I promise you that. She's dead right now, too. The internet in Milton isn't strong enough for her to be actually listening live right now. And we're not streaming.

I don't know if you know this, but only really poor people and really rich people have the internet in Milton. Either they're at libraries or they have money for the internet. What AOL do you use? Like AOL 75? What is it on right now? All right.

No one even knows what AOL is anymore, do they? Yeah, we know what AOL is, Brian. But why would he have AOL? Because he lives in a place that doesn't have Uber. They use taxi cabs still. It runs on answering machines. AOL in prison means ass on legs. Oh, shit.

I did not know that. I always learn something new with you, Shanks. Yeah. I gotta give me some of that AOL. So, Milton, I'm just gonna call you Milton from here on out. It's good.

I think it's better than Kevin. It might work better. It might work better. Anyway. Yo, you just conceded your name like that? You'd be a bitch in Britain, dog. Yeah, I guess my name is Milton now. You dummy. So, Kevin, when you say that she might be watching, is that because she's a big fan of the show?

No, just to support me. Oh, to support you. But it's not a relationship you made a real point to say that why is that it's because because we're only a few weeks into it i don't know how things are gonna go wow yeah oh my god kevin we need to fucking choke you into being a man here today we're going to choke you into being a man how many people want to see us suffocate this man? This boy. He said it's not a relationship. We're only a few weeks in.

I don't know how this is going to go. I'm about to slap the glasses off your fucking face, dude. But she might be supportive enough to already be watching you? That's crazy, man. No, that's cool. So it's only been a few weeks. So what have you guys done?

You guys had like a picnic under a tree or something like that at the speed that you like to take things. I'm guessing maybe you saw the new Toy Story 4 and then called it a night. You know what I mean? Or perhaps you, I don't know. What happened? We just, we smash. Whoa, straight to that. Wait. Damn. Kevin. I don't know. What happened? We just smashed. Whoa, straight to that.

We're adults who have needs. We find each other. You crazy. We're adults that have needs. So you went straight to sex? How long have you known her for? Maybe two years.

And then a few weeks ago, what happened? Something happens. Right? You guys are hanging out, how long have you known her for? maybe two years maybe two years and then a few weeks ago what happens? something happens right? you guys are hanging out listening to music yeah asked to hang out

asked to hang out we were sitting on listening to the new Ace of Base song out in Milton yeah I asked her if she if she wanted to make out

yeah you did can you do it can you do it you were there I wasn't there can you do an exact impression of how you asked her to make out but when you do it you have you do it? You were there. I wasn't there. Can you do an exact impression of how you asked her to make out? But when you do it, you have to do it to Shanks.

Okay. All right. Here, wait, wait. Let's go no music on this. Let's go absolute zero music. I want to really feel the tension in the room here. So you guys are just hanging out. There is no music happening, right?

No. The TV is off? No TV. No TV. What are you guys doing in the room? Sitting. The TV is off? No TV. No TV. What are you guys doing in the room? Sitting next to each other? Sitting, talking. On a couch or two separate chairs?

Because in Milton, I picture it just being like two of those big lazy boys. You know what I mean? There's like a coffee table in the middle with an ashtray. Fold-out futon. Was it a fold-out futon? You bet. Well, why don't you two sit right there on that thing right there?

And is that the side that you were sitting on, Kevin? It was. Okay. This is a flashback here. Also, try to be natural. Don't try to act funny. Yeah. Because I already feel you trying to ham it up.

Right. Don't be funny at all. I want this to go exactly how it went a few weeks ago. Was she wearing a revealing dress like that? Hold on. Hold on. Big panic. You're not allowed to masturbate during the show.

That's one of the rules that we gave you. So is this how it was going down? And do you remember the conversation that led into your question? It was a moment of silence that popped up in the awkward silence. Yes, we had 60 seconds of silence when you were on stage. This is perfect. So it's just like this. You guys are hanging out, and then show us how you started this.

Go ahead. So I would really like to kiss you. You're just putting it out there like that? I mean, I guess I like a man who knows what he wants. What are you going to do to me if I let you kiss me? See, she said yes. She said yes. Oh.

She said yes. And then what? And then you leaned in and kissed her? Yeah. What did that look like? What did that look like? Ooh, Shanks has given me. Shanks went uncross-eyed for a second and looked right at me.

No, you don't have to do that. I'm just kidding. Yo, I'd like my man pussies to be of a certain caliber. So she said yes, and then what? You went straight in for making out because you're an adult that has needs. You got it. And then what? You took off your shirt?

Yeah, we just went at it. You just went at it. You just asked for a kiss and she gave you the whole thing? Is that what happened, Kevin? It took a little time. It wasn't immediately. Man, this girl made up, man. Come on, man. This ain't a real girl.

You asked for a kiss, she gave you a pussy? Come on, man. That don't work. Shanks, I for a kiss, they give you a pussy. Come on, man. That don't work. Shanks, I'm with you, dude. I'm getting the same vibe right now. He thinking of things to come up with that actually happen. I have no idea what the fuck you do. This grill sucks, man. I got to get a new grill up in this bitch.

No girl have I ever asked for a kiss, and then she give me everything. Right. But we're also talking at a place that he's a taxi driver, not Los Angeles. So this might be, you know, hard to get. She wasn't in a cab. No. We were on the futon. Is it your futon or hers?

Hers. And so when you say that everything happened, what exactly do you mean? So you're making out, your clothes are still on, then what happens? We just, we stripped, we got naked. You stripped? We bumped our uglies together. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-huh. How long did you last? Yo, this sounds like a police confession, dog. How long did you last, Kevin? Condom or no condom? Condom. How many? Just one Condom or no condom? Condom. How many? Just one.

Where did the condom come from? Did you have it or did this girl have it? She had it in the side drawer. Oh, shit. Wait a second. Was she trimmed? Like, was it really trimmed or was it like a crazy bush that looks like it hasn't been unkept for a while? No, it was tight.

Right. She has a lot of condoms in that side table. So how long do you think he lasted with the condom on? Because you look like you would come in the condom while putting it on. Yeah.

It's like, oh fuck, this never happens. Because it literally this never happens to me. Only the really rich and the really poor have condoms. They're Milton. I love it. I feel like the story he described is the plot of a sex ed film. Sometimes when you ask to kiss a girl, she gives you everything.

So you have to be ready. Also, I got a question. What's thicker, your dick or the lenses in your glasses? Fuck. I can see them up close, man. You can see into the future. How many times have you and this girl have had sex since a few weeks ago?

A dozen. A dozen times. Twelve since a few weeks ago? A dozen. A dozen times. Twelve times. Baker's dozen? Is she hitting you up for most of that or are you hitting her up? What's the deal? It's mutual. Mutual. Six and six. Have you been counting

the condoms in her nightstand? No, I had to go buy some. We ran out. Whoa, so you're serious about this relationship. I had to put money down. Wow. For fucking ultra-sensitive Durex condoms.

Wow. My goodness. So what do you think it's going to take for you to say that you're in a relationship with this girl? I like where your head's at. I like that guy. A dude yelled out anal in the crowd. All right. Hell yeah.

That's wifey material. All right. I asked you a question, Kevin. Just time. that's wifey material alright I asked you a question Kevin just time I'd have to ask her ask her I'd want to be ready and I'd ask her

and only if I'm ready to take that commitment are you on the spectrum no no but to answer your other question though too, it's I do last longer than I'd like to. Sometimes I don't even come at all. Again, it's the antidepressants.

Oh, what a problem. They fuck you up. They numb you. Hey, man, I'll make you come right now, dog. Come on, man. Do you still get hard you just can't complete? Sometimes. It's frustrating. What's the name of this medication?

Kevin, I like your style, man. You know, five years in the game, it's not easy to be doing stand-up comedy in Milton, Pennsylvania. I'm positive of that. And the fact that you even listen to this show and know about it, you know what I mean,

just goes to show you probably just had a rough night, and you probably have better jokes than what you did here tonight and how they came off. And another thing is the longer sometimes people do this, the more stress they put on themselves to do great. And that nervousness hits you harder when you got up here. You think that might be what happened tonight? Okay. No. I just need to keep

writing. You can stand up now. Thank you. There he goes. Kevin Brocious, everybody. Let's keep it moving along. Oh my goodness. Right now. Back to Milton Pencil.

Vania. All right. Pulled another name out. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. That's incredible. That's why we love Philly and Philly loves us. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow, that's incredible.

That's why we love Philly and Philly loves us. You guys have hateful hearts. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Nick Davis, everybody. Here we go. We're keeping it moving. Flying through it. Here he comes. Nick Davis, everyone.

Hey, how you guys doing tonight? Fuck yeah. Guys, I'm the oldest of three. Remember the oldest, you're kind of a guinea pig. I never got a sex talk as a kid. I just thought sex was kissing with your clothes off, which is close. One time I got out of the shower,

I kissed my cat on the head. Thought I fucked my cat, you guys. Went up to my mom and I was like, hey mom, just had sex with a cat. Still no sex talk. I'm losing weight now. I'm losing weight. I've lost 50 pounds this year.

Fuck off. I still shit liquid most days. I'm not healthy. I've lost 50 pounds this year. Fuck off. I still shit liquid most days. I'm not healthy, all right? But my goals aren't like everybody else's. I'm trying to lose weight to increase the number of objects I can successfully hang myself from. Yeah, right now, right now I'm at like a sturdy tree branch. But I hope to get down to a ceiling fan one day. Thank you, guys.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. See that? Look at that. He did almost a reverse of what Dorian Vasquez did. Dorian did a slamming 45 seconds and then sort of fizzled out at the end. Nick, you did a good 45 seconds and then hit the gas right in the last 15. Thank you, guys. It leaves you with a different taste in your mouth. It's a big part of this whole thing is closing strong.

So that was fun. Nick, you've been on the show, what, a couple times, I feel like? Just once. Only once. Where was that at? Milwaukee. Your favorite city, Milwaukee? Wow. Yeah.

The absolute garbage town of America, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I mean, the absolute top of the map, yet the bottom of the barrel. I mean, just garbage. I mean, right up there with Rochester, New York, Albany, New York. I mean, just the fucking scum of the earth. A place I will never go again. It's the right choice.

But I will be back to Philly, Pennsylvania. With all that hate comes a lot of love. Brotherly love. Anyway. Poster is available for sale after the show. Anyway, so Nick, let's talk about it, dude. What do we need to know about you? You look like you just got back from a fishing trip at the Playboy Mansion.

What's going on here? Last time I was on the show, we talked about my employment. I actually got fired from Olive Garden since last being on the show. Whoa, you got fired? We never made it that afternoon. We had a good laugh about two hours out of town, like, oh shit, we forgot

about the Olive Garden. They forgot about me, so it's fine. We were supposed to meet him on Keltoni. He said he was working on the route that we had to go to the next city the next day, about 45 minutes out of town. He was on that Olive Garden. Somebody else came, though, right? Yeah, there was one guy.

He was in, like, six shows on the tour from Canada. Right. And then he got on in Chicago and talked about how much methamphetamine he does. Oh, yeah. He was the only guy. Heck, yeah. Damn it. Yeah. He tipped me well. It was fine. Why'd you get fired? Honestly, I went to

Skankfest, and I saw you guys there. I had a really good time over there. And then I got back from New York and returned to Kenosha, Wisconsin, where I live, and was in a massive depression hole. And I lost my voice, so I couldn't really surf. So I called in on... I texted in on Saturday because I couldn't talk and then Sunday I was in such a piss poor

mood I just like put my phone like away and I'm like I can't do this today and then they just fired me so I kind of chose to get fired I just couldn't do it anymore man I couldn't serve yeah thank you. Are you working somewhere better now like Applebee's or something? I actually worked at an Applebee's before I worked at Olive Garden

no I got a new job. I'm supposed to start on Monday, but I've been doing random odd jobs and selling shit for money. That's how I came here. I've been doing graphic design work, cleaning houses, yard work. I've been selling my record player and shit just to come hang out. Do you think being fired from the Olive Garden has helped you lose weight? No. No, not really.

You stop eating the food pretty quick you get over pretty fast you know what i mean right did they fire you awkwardly were they like you know nick look when you're here your family but you've been calling off a lot yeah they disowned me yeah what's the rest of your life like what do you um i mean honestly i've been uh just working to try to make any money right now that's all i've really doing. I try to do stand-up as much as possible. Anywhere from three to six nights a week, I'll get up. Fuck yeah. Yeah, and it's a lot of driving because I live between Milwaukee and Chicago,

so it's a lot of driving. So it's working to put gas in my car. You live in Milton? Yeah, I live – actually, he and I are roommates. No, I live in Kenosha, Wisconsin, just between Milwaukee and Chicago. The Milton of Wisconsin. Exactly. You got it.

All right. Any other fun facts we should know about you? I worked at, if you're doing job stuff, I worked at Six Flags, Great America, for eight years, and I can juggle. I don't know. What can you juggle? What do you know how to juggle? Obviously not a job. Yeah.

No, dude, I've been just like three balls. I can juggle three balls Does anybody have three balls on them? They have two Fuck you bro You have one? Well Nick we're going to fly through this one Because you've been on this show before

There he goes Nick Davis everybody On to the next one It's the great Jay Z that once said On to the next one. This is the great Jay-Z that once said, on to the next one. Put your hands together for Chris Coletti, everyone. Here we fucking go. That you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

Yeah, from that ledge, my friend. Oh, here we go. Hey, I wish that you would step back from that motherfucking ledge, ledge, ledge, my friend. Hey. Here he is, Chris Coletti, everybody. All right. Thank you very much. I got a rash one time because I cut my ass shaving. Well, not really my ass, my taint.

I cut my taint shaving, and then I took a messy shit and wiped the wrong way, which is how I know I wouldn't make it. I wouldn't last three days with a vagina. I wouldn't make it three seconds. I would get that thing so infected so quick. Welp, I broke it already. Mom, Mom, it's dead, I broke it already. Mom! Mom!

It's dead. I killed my pussy. I stabbed it too many times and now it's bleeding. You know, I'd just be running around shoving all kinds of shit in there like a wood chipper. Hmm. What else can this thing take? Ooh, that was a big one.

That one kind of hurt. In a good way. You know, my fingers would just be pruning all the time. What happened to you, Chris? Why are you smelling your hand? What? I don't know. They're always like this.

I got sweaty hands. Wow, Chris Coletti. My goodness. Hell yeah. This your first time on the show? Yes. Red Band Monthly Magazine already calls you Hell yeah. Is this your first time on the show? Uh, yes. Red Band Monthly Magazine already calls you one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. I was going to say, I've heard that material before.

Have you? No. Oh. You look like an Amish reboot. You look like what Milton's going to look like when he gets out of that relationship relationship he's about to get into. Welcome to the show, Chris. You look like you're your own lawyer.

Am I correct about that? Yeah, I pretty much do all my own shit. What do you do for work, Chris? Right now, I'm super unemployed. Super unemployed. Really? What did you do before that? Accounting for Banana Republic.

I wish that would have been a much nicer I was waiting tables in Baltimore Wow, okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? About six, seven years Six or seven years, where at? Mostly Baltimore Baltimore, hell yeah Interesting scene there, right?

Oh yeah, it's awesome down there, I miss it actually Really? Yeah What do you like about Baltimore? Just the comedy scene, pretty much. Really? But isn't it mostly what they would call urban comedy clubs? Not really. I mean, there's definitely a lot of those,

but it's really diverse, actually. Would you say too many? Like, what's the place that you perform at in Baltimore? What do you consider your home club? Oh my home club? I would say the Sidebar Tavern. That's really where I got my start. It's on Lexington Street right next to City Hall. It's a dope room.

And like they get regular audiences there? Oh it's mostly just an open like they don't really do show shows there. Let me check in with Shanks for a second here. Yeah can we just mention his set? It's clear he hasn't had sex with a lot of women because he thinks poop comes out of a pussy. He's like, if I had a pussy, there'd be poop everywhere.

I'm like, dude, you don't know anatomy at all. Shanks, I don't think he was saying he thinks that poop's going to come out of his pussy. He's saying that when he cut his taint, he wiped from back to front, pushing poop into the taint hole. Yeah, he said he was just getting infected. He's saying that he would shove poop into his vagina by white. Man, thank you for breaking that down for me. No, don't over-explain it. I appreciate that.

He thinks poop comes out of a pussy, dog. breaking that down for you. No, don't over explain it. He thinks poop come out of a pussy dog. Well, is that true? You think poop come out of a pussy dog? Have you ever pooped in a pussy? Poop pussy, you know, starts with the same letter. That makes sense. It's okay, Chris.

Let's talk about it. So, where do you live now? Baltimore. I just moved to Fishtown. What's that? I feel like you people cheer. It's where you're now? Baltimore. I just moved to Fishtown. What's that? I feel like you people cheer the weirdest. It's like where you're at right now. Like, I literally... Oh, this is it. So what made you move here?

I was not really having a good time in Baltimore anymore, and my sister was like, hey, my friends have a spot open in their apartment, and I was like, I guess I'm moving. When you say you weren't having fun in Baltimore anymore, what exactly do you mean? What happened there? What was going on in your life?

You could share with us. We like compelling nature stories. I just didn't like where I was living anymore. I didn't like my job. And I just needed something new. I just needed a change of pace. Interesting. What about friends or girlfriend or anything like that?

I have friends. Oh, geez. Alright, sure you did. Definitely got those. Neer, neer, neer, neer, neer, neer. What were your friends like? You know, other comedians. Did you guys all get together sometimes

and drink coffee in the afternoons at a little coffee shop? Yeah, kind of. I mean, mostly. Not really coffee. You ever ask your friends over to sit on a futon and ask if it's okay if you could kiss them? Yeah. Yeah, I have done that.

Wow. So how has life changed for you? How long ago did you move here? Like three weeks. Three weeks. Two and a half weeks. What have? How long ago did you move here? Three weeks. Three weeks. Two and a half weeks. What have you noticed? What's going on here?

What's the report? Well, you know, so far so good. I mean, I still haven't found a fucking job, so it's not... You look like if Groucho Marx was really into IPAs. And not funny. Yeah. Oh. He's right on that one.

But again, he nailed it. Maybe it was a rough set. So what else about you? Like, tell us something very interesting about Chris Colletti. There must be something. Your parents were in the mob or something like that? No, no. I got a twin sister.

Oh. Does she look just like that? No, no. I got a twin sister. Oh. Does she look just like you? Nope. Oh. Nope. She looks like my mom. No, she got poop in her pussy, man. Oh, my God.

So much poop in the pussy. Wow. Wow. So, Chris. Yes. So far, so good. No job. Yep.

What do you think you're going to end up doing here? What did I... What? What do you think you're going to end up working as here in Philly? Probably, I mean, this, hopefully more of this. I would love to do more of this and get paid for it. I would like to... Yeah, I mean, if I would get paid to bomb, I would get paid to bomb.

Oh, join join ISIS Hell yeah Well Chris We're gonna keep Flying through it here It was nice to meet you man Thank you Six or seven years doing this You know just fucking

Keep at it and have fun. If it's what makes you happy, if you love doing it, then fucking keep rocking it, man. We'll see you again next time. Do a different minute next time. Thank you very much. For the love of God. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Aaron Kilty, everyone.

Aaron Kilty. Here we go. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Right from the front. Here we go. Come on. Make some noise for Aaron Kilty, everybody.

Come on. That came up out of nowhere. My name is Aaron, so I'm about me. I'm a fucking scrub. You can kind of tell. I know this because the other day, this girl told me, she was like, Aaron, what do you even do? Right?

I was like, fuck you, mom. Don't fucking talk talking shit like that. And it's not, it's not just my mom. It's my dad too. Like I asked him for a dollar the other day and he was like, you need a dollar? Like you broke? I was like, yeah, I'm asking for a fucking dollar. He was all like, uh, he was all like, you're fucking broke because you don't work, and that's because you're lazy. How did I not instill any of my work ethic into you? I just wanted a dollar, but all right. So he watches TV every day before he goes to work.

I'm white, so I fucking broke his TV right when he left. I was like, fuck this guy talking shit. He comes home. He was all like, Aaron, what happened to my TV? I was like, what do you mean? It's broke. I was like, you sure it's not just lazy? Why don't you fucking put some work ethic into it, motherfucker?

Oh, my God. All right. Thanks. Aaron Kilty. Hell yeah. Hi, Aaron. What's up, dude? How are you? Look at you, little fucking Tom Petty,

illegitimate child-looking motherfucker. Look at you. Hell yeah. My God. Dude, I fucking watch you guys so much. This is crazy to me. I love that. I've watched a lot of you, too.

I mean, you are, you know, you are fucking David Spade and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I've seen all of your films. You're incredible. I like you in everything. Lord of the Rings, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep. Home Alone.

Home Alone. Fuck yeah. Homo Alono. Yep. That's one. Nice to meet you, man. So Aaron Kilty, you from here in Philadelphia? No, I'm from Arizona, living in Maryland.

Living in Maryland? Yeah. Oh, Baltimore? I heard a place just opened up there a few weeks ago. What are you doing in Maryland? I'm like an hour away, a place called Haver to Grace. Why? Why'd you end up there?

You fish? I got in trouble in Arizona. What'd you get in trouble? You fish? I got in trouble in Arizona. What'd you get in trouble for in Arizona? I was moving weed around. Yeah, you were. Hell yeah. So what'd they do? They try to put you in fucking tent city or something?

I went to a low, but I was in 16 months. And then I came to Maryland. Me too, dog. I didn't even get raped. We believe you. We believe you. You want to? You did 16 months in prison? Alright.

Big panic. Sit down. 16 months? What was the hardest part for you? Other than the penis that was in your butt. I know Big Panic wants to say that right now. Go ahead, Aaron. What was the hardest part for you other than the penis that was in your butt i know big panic wants to say that right now go ahead aaron what was that what was the hardest part for you um honestly i it was fucking i had like a checklist i wanted to do i wanted to smoke get a tattoo get into a fight and i did all of it

it was kind of easy yeah pretty much with the? How'd the fight happen? I got into three actually I got jumped on the basketball court one time Because I was just I was trying to be a bully And I looked like this So it didn't really work out How were you being a bully? What'd you do?

There was this older guy And he was talking about having next And I was like I fucking got next Right Because that's what you have to do in prison Right? When you look like a grown-up Chucky doll,

you have to be like, oh, fuck you. I got this. Be afraid. Even though you don't know why you're afraid, be afraid. I got next. And they're just like, no, you don't. Look at you. It's actually fucking crazy.

I wouldn't ever say this usually, but fuck it. The dude who started the fight had one leg, and he walked on a wooden thing like a pirate, and he smacked me in my lip. He fucking basically kicked you in the face. He fucking started that shit. He swung his own leg at you? And then the old guy...

He popped his leg off and swung it at you? No, just open hand. Oh, open hand. So he had one leg on. Yeah, he was like this. And I was like... All right. He slapped you?

Yeah. That dude wanted to play basketball? What? No, he was there with his friend. His friend, his old guy punched me in the back of the head. It was whatever. It was a crazy little

fight though. It was definitely a crazy little fight if you were in it. You had a leg up on the competition and still got bitch slapped it sounds like. How about your other two fights what went on there uh one was with a roommate we were just having a disagreement i think you mean sell me i do a lot of things that i can't really fucking like do right like i try to fight a lot

of people and i doesn't work out a lot, and just all for having pot on you, selling pot. Yeah. Intent to sell pot. Yep. Yeah. Wow. So now here you are. You're in Maryland.

You're on the run from the law. You live in that fucking bloodline lifestyle up here. And what are you doing now? Fucking, I'm a scrub, dude. I fucking, I literally don't do anything. What do you mean? I've had like 15 different jobs since I got out. So like today, for example, or let's go with yesterday because today you came here.

So yesterday, what was that day like? Where did you wake up? Home with my people. Yeah, home with your people. That's where I'm going to start is right there. If you say home with your people, you live with your parents. Anyone who says like your people. That's where I'm going to start is right there. If you say home with your people, you live with your parents. Anyone who says like my people. We don't know what you're talking about.

If you say that, that means you live with your parents. Yep. No one else would say, oh, I woke up at home with my people. Unless they have a cult or something like that. Okay, so you live with your parents. They live in Maryland. You went to Arizona. You got in trouble, and now you're back. They live in Maryland. You went to Arizona. You got in trouble and now you're back.

Got it. Now I got it. So, what are your parents like? Vanilla. Yeah, what does your dad do? He's a maintenance man? No. They work in the government. Oh, work in the government. Wow.

Hell yeah. Look at you. And they got this little rebellious son. They just can't keep their fucking hands on him. Went out to Arizona. I don't know what Maryland people don't have that accent. Wow. So are they a little bit disappointed in you, you think? Like, come on, get your shit together, Aaron.

Yeah. How old are you? 25. 25. 25. So what's your goal? So like yesterday, you woke up at your home with the people, then what? Did you have breakfast? Did you go for a run? No.

Did you take some vitamins? I smoke a lot. Yeah. And I watch a lot of shit. I've watched fucking every single Kill Tony, basically. Yeah? What else do you like to watch? What else are you into? The fucking rabbit hole of YouTube, honestly.

I've watched Conspiracies. When you said Eddie Bravo's coming on, I was like, sweet. Do you think it's a flat Earth? Oh. Whoa. Look at that. Wow. I think this at that. Wow. I think this guy might believe this.

So if the planet was flat, you know, and the sun and everything, wouldn't it be just bright all day long? I don't give a fuck. I don't, like, when it comes to that specifically, the flat Earth, it's like, I don't care. You believe it. You do believe it, don't you? You look like zombie Kurt Cobain, fool

He does Alright, Aaron Well, congratulations on getting up here, man You fucking You had a couple decent fucking jokes in there How long you been doing stand-up? First time First time, everybody

There he goes, Aaron Kilty We've not had a We are yet to We are yet to get a woman up here tonight First time, everybody. There he goes, Aaron Kilty. We've not had a... We are yet to... We are yet to get a woman up here tonight. Should I go through the bucket till I find a woman, huh? Let's equalize the balance here. Let's see what happens here.

Well, Dezawa probably isn't a woman, right? Deziwa? Deziba. Dezi, D-Z-I... Hey, Tony. Tony, can I... What? What?ee-wa? DeZee-wa. Hey, Tony. What? What? Is that a girl?

I don't know what you're saying. Well, then shut the fuck up. Okay, I got it. Big panic, thank you. Dan Callahan, Matthew Bright, Mike Showa, Tom Thrash. How about Masha's? Masha, Mike Schauer, Tom Thrash. How about Masha?

Is Masha a girl? Wow. It is. Oh, there we go. Masha? Masha? Yeah, there she is from the back. Here she comes.

Holy shit. And people from the front knew who she was. It's happening, people. The crowd goes crazy for Masha. Here we go. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Masha, everybody. For the longest time, I thought that the term baby boomer meant pedophile.

baby boomer meant pedophile. I'm sorry, English is not my first language, so I thought they were booming babies. Now they're out there, booming babies. I'm originally from white Russia. I grew up drinking vodka, working the potato fields, wearing Adidas tracksuits. I came to America after attack by street bear. Please bear with me.

I do have an accent. Parked outside, it's a Hyundai. It's a Hyundai accent. Wow, Masha. Welcome to the show. Hello. How are you? Doing great, doing great. Wow, look at you. I like your style. You're in such a pretty dress. You have real shoes on. The last guy was wearing moccasins with holes in them. You just classed up this whole fucking stage. You're like some type of, like, Russian princess or something like that.

Okay. That's for the Russian national anthem. Do you know this song? All right, all right. That's good. Okay. Anyway, it doesn't matter. My goodness, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Philly? Also in Las Vegas. Also in Las Vegas. You just do gigs out there sometimes, or you stayed out there for a while? Uh, I lived there for three years.

Oh, okay. How long have you lived here? Uh, I originally came to Philly after I moved, uh, and then I've been most of my life here in Philly. Oh, okay. Most of your life here. How long were you in Russia for? Uh, I was, uh, there until I was five and then I've been back.

Gotcha. So you didn't really get attacked by a street bear? I did. Really? What the fuck is a street bear? Well, so they have little bears on leashes that you can come take pictures with

and these bears do not like flash photography. No. You're talking about dogs in America. I believe Khabib Nurmagomedov calls them sparring partners. My goodness. So you saw a street bear

and were you getting a picture taken with it? Yeah. My papa said, you getting a picture taken with it or yeah yeah my my my papa said he like go go take picture and then take a picture with the street bear get a picture

I'm a Russian Chernobyl never really happened don't worry about it we let the chemical up in the air. Who cares? You've met my dad. Nailed it. What's your dad's name? You have a Russian cool name.

Igor? Vigor? Sergey. The only other option. That would have been my third fucking guess. I one time pointed out that his name meant like Sergey, like a homosexual knight and he did not like that. What do you mean I'm Sir Gay? No way. I never do anything gay in life except dick in butt. Dick in butt.

Wow. So you close with your dad? Yeah. How did he end up out here? He moved here during... Yeah, my parents brought me here. We won the green card lottery. Wow. The diversity visa.

Hell yeah, ka-ching. Look at you. That's a real thing, the green card lottery. Yeah. How many people play that? Is it like a scratch-off? It's just like meeting the quotas from each country, and I'm from Belarus, white Russia, so

it's... Right. So do you go out there and visit? Yes. You love it out there? No. Right. You prefer it here? Yes. Yeah. You like American boys? Is that your thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've never been with a Russian

man. Right. You ever been with a black guy before? Oh yeah. Wow. Hell yeah. Masha. Woo. Whoop. Whoop. Whoop. My goodness. Masha. You said oh yeah like Macho Man Randy Savage there. Oh yeah.

So my goodness. Is that your preference? That type of guy? Or is it really just anybody with the... Baltimore? I don't discriminate, really. Wow, I like your style. Heck yeah.

So, you live here in Philly now. And what do you do for fun? Tell us more about you. Do you have any, like, nesting dolls or anything like that? Yeah, yeah. I have a bunch. i keep my weed in them hey because what cop is gonna go like open every single doll yeah that's a solid applause break right there look at that her vagina is actually like a nesting doll when she hooks up with a black dude, it's the big one. When it's an Asian dude, it's the little tiny one.

Yeah. Wow, shanks. You're getting a little dirty over there. Yeah, dog gets dirty in prison. Wow. So, Masha, how do you make a living? I'm actually a Russian to English legal

translator. Wow. Legal translator. My goodness. I do documents or I appear in court and translate verbally. Have you gotten a lot of work from the old Russian never nothing ever happened thing that happened? I have

translated some classified KGB documents. Wow, look at that. Classified, I can't talk about it. Of course. My goodness. Can you say something, can you tell us something sexual in Russian and then afterwards tell us what you said in English?

Like it doesn't have to be like, you know, it could be like silly or whatever, but like. Yeah, you can say something like, oops, poop came out of my pussy again. Yeah. And then say that in Russian. Yep. But then... Ой, какашки выпали из моей благоши.

Wow. Hey, wait, did you just say poop came out of your pussy in Russian? Wow, I could tell. I remember that from Russian class. I'm a translator. It's what I do. No, I love it. So give us another example of something like that, like just something weird that you could say. Давай пойдем найдем две лягушки. У-у-у, да и нэр пойдем найдем две лягушки. What does that mean?

Let's go find some frogs. Let's go find some prawns? Frogs. Like, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit. So, guzhki is frogs? Ligushki. Ligushki. Man, that makes a lot of sense.

Yo, that's our word. Wow. What's up, my Nagushki? Well, Masha, I'll tell you, you represented the ladies great up here tonight. I mean, just unbelievable. Great performance. Very solid.

Great interview. Well spoken. So much fun. You came ready to fucking perform. You look great. Like a star. How about a hand for Masha, everybody? She's on Instagram at Masha

Room. Guys, you think we're really out of time, but you think we should do one more out of this bucket? Good or bad, it's gotta be the end, though. We're gonna do one last bucket pull, and then we're gonna wrap this thing up and fucking

sign some posters and albums for you on your way out. There's also the new Kill Tony pin is available. Glow in the Dark, double reinforced steel. There's also a Tony Hinchcliffe pin with my face on it, and the mustache is optional.

Alright. And I brought some Death Squad pins also. There you go, Death Squad pins. And Reagan and Watkins album. Hey! Just wanted to take a second to remind you guys that today's episode is brought to you by Infinite CBD. I absolutely

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Use the promo code Tony15 and save 15% right now. One more time. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Use the promo code Tony15 and save 15%. Back to the show. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of TJ Dexter. Here he comes. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. Itxter. Here he comes. This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen.

It will be the final comedian. Guys, this is the biggest ever Kill Tony in our history. Is that exciting or what? What's up, guys? Does anyone remember the first time they felt unattractive? When I was about 12 years old,

I was almost kidnapped. The group of kids were in the neighborhood looking for a dog, and this guy pulls up in his van. He's like, hey, guys, get in my van. I want to love you. Let me make love to you. Please get in my van. And my first initial thought was, well, you know, fuck that. My second thought was, well, if you are going to offer me to get in the van and you want me to bend over and take up whole loads of my butt, as a kid, you should probably offer a little bit more than love. How about the kittens, candy, puppies, the whole nine that you would actually have in the PSAs when you're younger?

But the guy's focused on my little brother. He's just staring at him. He's like a hunter sees his prey. And I look at him and go, I get a little jealous. So I start hiking up my shorts. I start going little jealous. So I start hiking up my shorts. I start poking up my butt a little bit. And I go, make an angry kid's face. And now my initial thought was, I want the kids in the background to think that I'm there to protect them.

But at the same time, if anyone's going to get raped that night, it's going to be me. So, in my best 12-year-old voice, I go, hey, kids, go! You! That love is still available? Can I do it? Wow. TJ Dexter.

My God. This is why sometimes it's not good to go back to the bucket one more time. Beautiful Russian woman here. We could have ended it all with Masha was a story that you just can't beat. She made it out of dilapidated Belarus. She had poop in her pussy. And then we have this spoiled, rotten American kid with no punchlines whatsoever. None.

My goodness. Look at you. First time doing stand-up, right? Very first time. I don't even know. I guess we could consider it that. That was like the beginning of a long story. Yes.

You know what, TJ? I just don't think we could fucking leave with that taste in our mouths. I'm just using my gut here. Throw that mic back in the mic stand. Go back to your seat. We're going to go back one more time. But this is it. I believe.

We got to do a quick one. I believe in miracles. The Mosai's the cantina. Come on, gay black guy. Gay black guy. Put your hands together for Joe Tongle, everyone. Joe Tongle. Joe

T-O-N-G-L-E. I'm not seeing movement here. Oh, that's him right in the back corner right there. Is that? We have somebody coming. Here he is. Wow, from the very back. Oh, hell yeah. I can already tell I like this guy. Here he is. Wow, from the very back. Oh, hell yeah. I can already tell I like this guy. Here he comes.

Joe Tongle, everybody. This is going to be your final comedian of the night, live from the Fillmore in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Fillmore, how the fuck is it going? All right. I feel like if you've licked my asshole, you have to at least acknowledge me in public. You know?

That's kind of like a special thing we have, you know? So I saw my ex-girlfriend. I was walking out of the gas station, and I see her walking in, so I hold the door. Not even a hello, not a nod. Like, that's something we had. Like, you know, we should have, like, a signal, you know, if we see each other, like, you know, like a each other, like a wave or Jeter tip of the cap.

It's just not fair. So I'm 22 years old, and I live at home. Thank you, man. Thank you. And it's a weird age because I'm at the point where I see people younger than me being way more successful. Like last year for the Steelers, Juju Smith-Schuster caught 100 passes for 1,000 yards, and I have early onset diabetes, so that's great. Another reason why I really want to move out finally is because after a long day at work, I come home, and I saw my dad butt-ass naked in the kitchen eating Girl Scout cookies.

Do you know what it's like to see dad dick at 22? I remember the veins. Thank you, guys. Joe, you are adorable. Joe Tongle. What's up, man? How are you? Good.

How are you? I'm fucking nervous as shit. You are just a big little fucking cutie pie. Thank you, man? How are you? Good. How are you? I'm fucking nervous as shit. You are just a big little fucking cutie pie. Thank you, man. Look at you. I just want to roll you down a fucking sledding hill or something like that. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Watch you get all covered in snow like, Tony, why'd you do that? Yeah, let's check in with Shanks over there. Yeah, can I just say this is the best Artie Lang has ever looked? It really is. It really is. It really is. It's also the best Amy Schumer has ever looked as well. It's crazy. Is that

a can of dip in your pocket or bubble tape? It's dip. Yeah, it's dip. Still dip? Redman, how many people you roll with pull out bubble tape? I didn't know dip was even a thing still. Wow. Yeah, dip's still a thing.

Was that dip or bubble tape? Are you happy to see me? That'd be awesome if it was bubble tape. I love it. Joe, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year. Just over a year. Fuck yeah.

All here in Philly? I'm from Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh? Wow. Look at that. Oh. Wow. That explains the chewing tobacco.

Now I get it. Pretty much, yeah. I'm actually a door guy at the Pittsburgh Improv. Really? You're going to be there this weekend? Oh, I'll be seating everyone there. Well, what are the odds of that? I'm doing two shows there tomorrow night. Oh, I know.

One stand-up show, one Kill Tony, and then two stand-up shows on Saturday all at the Pittsburgh Improv. Absolutely. You're going to be working the door this weekend? Yes, sir. Well, how fucking cool is that, Joe? The show was almost over, and we needed to bridge it with one more likable person,

and you were able to do it. That's so fucking cool that we're going to get to hang out a little bit this weekend, hopefully not too much. I don't want you barging your head in on the green room or anything like that like hey don't you need anything it's me joe they put the bigger guys there i'm too short to stand by your door no it's okay i i i think you're just the right height to stand by my i like i like a good you know fucking lawn buddha i'm as tall as i am wide so it works out lawn buddha no that's not the right... Gnome. Lawn Gnome.

That's... Lawn Buddha. The fuck's a Lawn Buddha, Tony? Lawn Buddha. God damn it. I knew I should have drank another alpha brain before this. Joe, tell us something super embarrassing about you

that you would never want anyone to know but you don't know why you just said it into a microphone. The... I had a threesome when I was 19.

It was two girls. And mid-threesome when i was 19 it was two girls and mid threesome this girl's uncle walked in and like tried to sell her coke and like he started freaking out and i didn't know what to do and then what was he freaking out about because he my dick was inside his knees oh so what did he say he started freaking out and then he said, I want to shake your hand, but I don't. And it still, like, hurt. I don't think that's really freaking out. Yeah, no. He really, like, at first, I was really scared.

Yeah. You remember anything he said? He started saying, like, what the fuck is going on here? Like, you told me to come over here. I feel like she wanted me to see it. Wow. Like, she wanted him to see it. Like, it was weird. Fuck yeah. That's the to see it. Wow. She wanted him to see it. It was weird.

Fuck yeah. That's the uncle right there. There he is. Completely recovered. Joe, congrats on getting up, man. We're going to see you all weekend in Pittsburgh. Absolutely, man. We'll see you there, buddy. There goes Joe Tongle, everyone. Guys, we did it.

Our fucking second time in Philly this year. It's unbelievable. Breaking the rules. Coming back too soon. Did you guys have fun tonight? How about another hand for the great and powerful Shanks, Jeremiah Watkins over there. Yo, make some noise out there, people, huh?

There you go. A little something for the internet, you fucks. There's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Guys, come on. It's fucking Joel Berg. Make some noise, people. Social media, I'm mostly sorry. Jeremiah's Jeremiah stand-up. Jeremiah Wonders new episode.

He's got the album for sale after the show. Anything else, guys? We love you. Thanks for coming. Alright. We fucking did it. We love you guys so much. And don't

forget, we love you guys. What else is it? Red Band? Nothing much. Thanks a lot, guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Really, this is a massive fucking venue, and we were so excited to come back here, nothing much thanks a lot guys thank you so much for coming out really this is a it's a massive fucking venue and we were so excited to come back here and we love

you guys for being such an amazing loyal base here in Philly thank you guys good night alright okay someone All right. I won't wait for you to come. Okay. Someone, um... Come here.

Come here. you you you you you