KILL TONY - KILL TONY #381

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

Tim Dillon, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/29/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv for every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And also, if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store, but we're always on the road.

August 3rd, we're going to be at the Let's Fest in Indiana doing two shows. We're also going to be at Hyenas in Dallas, Texas October 3rd and The Road to Kill Tony. It's going to be at the Punchline August 16th and then August 18th will be Kill Tony Mania 2 at Cobbs in San Francisco. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on

tour dates for all the latest updates. Also check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com There he has his own dates doing stand-up. He has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com for posters and merch. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and Death Squad merchandise. We've got hats and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hedgeclang! Fuck yeah! Happy Monday to you. We are live from the Comedy Store. It's Brian Red Band's here, everybody.

Hi, guys. You guys excited about this? You're the number one live podcast in the world on a Monday, live from Los Angeles, California. What an exciting time. We just got back from beautiful Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. Very successful Kill Tony lives out there. Some stand-up shows in Pittsburgh.

That was fun. And we're straight off back on the road again. We're at Let's Fest in Fort Wayne, Indiana this Friday at the Tiger Room. Two Kill Tonys this weekend and two stand-up shows. And then we come back. We have another, of course, fun episode the next week.

And then I go to Miami to do stand-up comedy August 8th through the 10th in West Palm Beach September 5th through the 7th. And a Kill to do stand-up comedy, August 8th through the 10th, and West Palm Beach, September 5th through the 7th. And Kill Tony and stand-up shows in Dallas, Texas, October 3rd through the 4th. Of course, Kill Tony Mania. And I'm going to say it right here, right now. Uh-oh. My manager told me I could announce something.

And I'm just going to come out and say it. Kill Tony is going to Australia in late October for the very first time ever. Australia gets three Kiltonys on three nights in a row. Brisbane, Melbourne, and Sydney. I can't wait. Real exciting stuff. And, yeah. And then we go to Washington, D.C. in November.

How about that? Bet you didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that either. Yeah. Very exciting stuff. But we're talking about now, right? We're in November. How about that? Bet you didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that either. Yeah. Very exciting stuff. But we're talking about now, right? We're in the heat of things.

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That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash killtony. Forhims.com slash killtony. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We're live from the Comedy Store. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be very forward with you. Some of you may know this. Some of you may not know this. The news broke today at 3 p.m. I got my group text started going crazy. A group text with Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli. And it started being leaked all the way from Buffalo that Eddie Bravo's flight got canceled. I don't know how many of you know this. And so Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli have been bumped to next week's episode. For those of you that came, yes, indeed.

But we did set up a special system for the first time ever, since we knew that so many tinfoil hat fans were going to come for that crossover episode for the first time, that there is a special system set up after the show. If you want to come back next week, they're giving away a special ticket that brings you back next week to see Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli. If you want it, on your way out tonight. Now, that always sucks, right?

And I always book this show myself. I take great pride in always having the fucking coolest or best or newest or whatever comedian on the show. And today when this happened, I was so stressed out, right? It's the middle of the day. It's 3 p.m. We have four hours till showtime. And immediately I start having a fucking, what? I mean, most people would.

Anyway. Some people would call it a fucking angry panic attack. So I'm going through it what do i do i text someone right i text the first comedian i text came through and the reason why i texted him is because he is truly one of the funniest comedians on the planet he's taken the show over by storm since his first appearance just a year or two ago he's the newest paid regular at the Comedy Store. He's a fucking monster. You know him. You love him. It's the great Tim Dillon.

Wow. How exciting. Tim Dillon is back. Tim Dillon from Tim Dillon is going to hell. Thank you so much. Welcome back. We're so excited to have you. The United States government for assassinating Eddie and Sam.

Yeah. It is. You never want opportunities like this, but, you know, what are you going to do? I'm so glad you were available. We're going to have so much fun. We always do. I feel like a stockbroker who got a call on 9-12, you know? They're like, why don't you come on in, you know?

You know, They're like, why don't you come on in? You know? Sell a few. Tim's going to be in San Diego at American Comedy Company August 1st through the 3rd, and in Raleigh, North Carolina at Charlie Goodnight's August 22nd and 24th. His hit show, Tim Dillon is Going to Hell, switches over this week to the Tim Dillon Show. It's going to be available on iTunes and absolutely everywhere.

And all the past episodes, of course, called Tim Dillon is Going to Hell. I love you. I love you on iTunes and absolutely everywhere. And all the past episodes, of course, called Tim Dillon is going to help. I love you. I love you on Instagram. I love you on stage as a stand-up. I love you as a guest on this show. I love you offstage. I am obsessed with Tim Dillon.

I appreciate it. So let's just jump right into it. You know, Tim, just as well as anybody else, that this show has a band. Yeah. How many of you out there are fans of Kill Tony? Okay. Then you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Every single episode, this band

commits to being different characters, staying in character. I never know what they're gonna be. They have a separate dressing room in the back. Sometimes it's a brand new character that we've never seen before. Like we saw security guards for the first time ever in Pittsburgh. Or sometimes it's the return of some of their famous characters.

You never know what's going to happen. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins. Chroma Chris. And Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez. Here we go. They're coming out any second.enez. Here we go. They're coming out any second. Whoa.

Oh, my God. Wow. I love it. This is incredible. Oh, my goodness. Clearly homeless people. Dirty drinks and paper bags. Fingerless gloves.

Wow. This is so exciting. We've never had homeless people on this show before. This is very... I feel like you've had plenty homeless people on this show before, Tony. Wow. That was Chroma Chris. Could this be

his breakout episode right now? He's already one for one. The place is going crazy. Chroma Chris, normally silent but deadly, usually says one thing per episode, killing it before he even sits down. And the look,

my friend, I'm not exactly sure what the fuck it reminds me of, but it's definitely one of the scariest things I've ever seen before. It's if Al Borland's career didn't go too well. All right. Well, cool down quick. And sitting next to Chroma

Chris, it's the leader of the band, the great Jeremiah Watkins. But what's your name tonight, homeless? Clearly a woman that's been homeless for a long time. My name's Tasty Eddie. Tasty Eddie? Yeah. You want to know why? Why? Come over here. Oh, no way, Tasty Eddie. Tasty Eddie? Yeah. You want to know why? Why?

Come over here. Oh, no way, Tasty Eddie. I'm going to steer clear of you. And what is the crystal methed out Burt Reynolds' character over there? Hobo Baggins. Hobo Baggins? And then back here, clearly we have the great and powerful Osama Bin Laden joining the show for the first time ever.

Hey, that guy was not all bad. You're one of those crazy homeless guys. People feel bad about me, but I've never felt better since I left that bitch and those kids that didn't look like me. This is my choice! Oh my god, you are a crazy homeless guy. These look like the guys Sam Tripoli has on his show as experts.

You know what? I'll be on next week, Tim. What's your name? Phil. I don't remember my last name. All right, Phil. It's been a while. Phil is so homeless he forgot his own last name.

This is incredible. So we have homeless guys for the first time ever, the great Tim Dillon, a delicious can of Nitro Caveman cold brew coffee. Use the promo code KillTony, save 10% at cavemancoffee.com And Red

Band, let's fucking do this thing. I have a bucket of destiny right here. This is the show. We're in it. Bunch of people signed up before the show. Sometimes it's somebody trying it for the first time. Sometimes it's somebody trying to fucking break through into the comedy store

by killing for a minute in here. You never know what's going to happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then we interview you, talk about your life a little bit, and find out more about you. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what?

It's Kill Tony, live, Comedy Store, the return of Tim Dillon, and the debut of Homeless Guys. Oh, yeah. Hey, lookeless Guys. Oh, yeah. Hey, look at this. I almost forgot. The great Ryan J. E. Belt sitting right over there drawing tonight's episode. He draws every episode. He's already started. All those prints are available at ryanjubelt.com, including Kill Tony posters from all the road shows and Kill Tony the book.

Pull the name out of the bucket, your first comedian, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then talking with us about it afterwards. It goes by the name of Ashley book. Pull the name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds and then talking with us about it afterwards. Goes by the name of Ashley Ryan. Ashley Ryan. Oh, here she comes. Hell yeah. Hey. Hey, bitches. One more time for Ashley Ryan,

everybody. My name is Ashley. Some of you know me as Trashly. And if you've had sex with me, you might even know me as Rashly. Yeah, so. I'm a little bit nervous because I'm going to be talking about something that makes me very uncomfortable.

And that is, I have a major hoarding issue. I haven't gotten rid of my dick yet. It's a very big issue to have. It's hard to get rid of anything that has a lot of centimeter value. When considering whether or not I should keep it, I like to ask myself,

does this bring you joy? Yes, yes it does. And so with the advice of Mary Kondo from Netflix's Tidying Up, I folded it into thirds and neatly put it where it belongs so that one day if I ever need to use it, I will know exactly where to find it. Thank you all. There you go.

57 seconds from Ashley Ryan. Heck yeah. Hi, Ashley. Hey, Tony. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hell yeah.

Have you been on, you've never been on this show before, right? No, I've never been in the main room, so I'm kind of like a virgin and I'm losing my virginity to you, Tony.

Oh, I highly doubt that you're a virgin, Ashley. I liked your act better when you went as Cassandra Cass. Oh, come on. How do you even know that? This is your first time here on the show, Phil. I got a friend with the internet. It's so fun.

Ashley, have you seen this show before? Yes, I watched it last night with some guy that came over. Oh, hell yeah. So much for losing your virginity. Let's check in with Tasty Eddie. I got a question for Rashly. Yeah. Do you know the Starbucks restaurant code?

It's 6969, bitch. Oh, shit. Well, what exactly are you? What am I? Yeah. All right, all right, Tasty Eddie. He's a crazy homeless guy. So, Ashley, how long have you been doing stand-up?

I started in February 2018. I went on a date with a comic to the comedy store in this room actually hold on that's so loud I literally can't even hear what she's saying you went on a date at the comedy store in what? with a comic

was it Eddie Murphy? no that's unfair I love that you look like a Fox News anchor, and when you open your mouth, anyone who watches Fox News would have a heart attack. Yeah. It's true.

So you started in February 2018. You went on a date with a comic to the Comedy Store. Was he performing that night? No, he wasn't, but he got us in free, so that was really cool. Uh-huh. And then what happened? You decided you were going to do it?

Yeah, I signed up for some classes and here I am. Hell yeah. Wow. You've definitely found your voice. Well, you've sort of found your voice. You're a special one, Ashley. What have you been doing in your life up until this point? Well, I'm from Texas originally.

Hell yeah. And so, yes. I used to be a missionary. I went to a small private school my whole life. You used to be a missionary. Now you're more of a doggy style, huh? Yeah, exactly. And so a few things have changed yeah then and is it true that uh you came here

from texas by literally getting chased out no i came to spread the good word to california is that true how long you been in california i've been here for 10 years wow cool wow what kind of christianity like was it i I was a Lutheran. Okay. Aren't they cool and hip, right? Yeah, we would drink and dance. Not this hip, but still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you still Lutheran, or did you change that too? No, I'm spiritual now.

Spiritual? Yes, I'm a spirit animal. Like crystals or crystal meth? What are we talking about? I know a crystal. What kind of? what do you mean? I know meth. So how long have you been, what's the word here, transitioning?

Is that the right terminology? Yeah. So for three years now. And so just seeing if I like it or not, you know. Yeah. Figuring it out. Yeah. So for three years now. And so just seeing if I like it or not. Right. Figuring it out. Yeah. How's it been going for you? It's been going very well. What do you do for work?

I work in reality television. I'm like a development producer and I work in casting for reality shows. You're going to put me in a movie? That's so fun, Ashley. Don't look at me like I don't exist.

I exist. I'm here. I'm right in front of you. Have you ever hooked up with a transphobic person and they kind of freaked out? I've hooked up with a homelessphobic person and they kind of freaked out? I've hooked up with a homeless person before, actually. Oh, wow. I feel like you're trying to hit on me now.

I ain't transphobic. How do you think I got the name Taziety? Wow. How did you have sex with a homeless person? In a sleeping bag. All right. Well, for context, I was working at a children's

Christian camp in Yosemite, and we had a three-day weekend, and so I drove to San Francisco. Were you working at a children's Christian camp like this? No, no, before I transitioned. When I was super Christian. You weren't Ashley Ryan then, you were more of a Ryan Ashley. Yeah, exactly.

Yes. I go to San Francisco. It was like gay pride. And I go to a bar. And a guy with a very nice beard bought me a drink. And I'm kind of into the lumberjack scene. Like guys that look like they chop wood. And also want to chop me with their dick.

I bet. Is it because you want to chop your wood at some point? Yeah. Possibly. dick. I bet. Is it because you want to chop your wood at some point? Yeah. Possibly. It also doesn't

count fucking homeless guy in San Francisco because that's 70% of the population. That's every person. But yeah, he bought me a drink and so I was flattered and that's all it takes. We go to leave the bar and he's like, wait, I need to get my bag from coat check and he goes to get his bag and it's all it takes and so um we like go to leave the bar and he's like wait i need to

get my bag from coat check and he goes to get his bag and it's like a shopping cart no it's like a backpacker's backpack yeah and i'm like wow that's a really big bag to check for the club right and um then i'm like okay like let's go and he's like oh let's go to your place i don't like i can't really host and i'm like oh well i'm staying with someone i met on grinder tonight um so let's and so we ended up like getting a hotel and then i can have a credit card so i had to put on mine right and um i didn't realize he was homeless until um smell i until he pulled out the hefty bag condom. Is that what you guys use? Yeah. All right.

Ashley? I went to put his penis in my mouth, and then when I rolled back the skin, it was flaking off. Was it change fell out? No, it was flaking off. This is such a nice Christian story. This is a very nice Christian parable, you know. The flaky penis in San Francisco And then I got a condom out I'm like okay let's just finish this

So you would not suck his You put the condom on before you sucked him off When I realized that there was skin flaking off And I realized wait he has a backpack Because he's homeless Oh god I'm going to throw up I don't pick up on, I'm going to throw up. It all made sense to me. I don't pick up on it. I'm going to come.

But, yeah, I have a lot of weird dating stories, so I talk a lot about that in my stuff. Well, number one, that is not a dating story. He bought me a drink. That's a dating story. Not at all a dating story at all. I'd like to hear yours. Is that me?

Uh-huh. Yeah, go ahead. What, the homeless guy that I fucked yeah i mean listen it's you know it's still it could happen you know could happen i gotta find one where we can both fit in the tent so how did it end that night with you and this guy he stayed at the hotel and you went back to stay with the grinder guy yeah so um he's like hey if you don, if you don't mind, I'm just going to stay here. Yeah, I was like, wait, so you're actually going to check out in the morning? Because it was on my dad's credit card.

And that would have been an awkward conversation with Pop. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I'm totally going to leave. He was really nice. And so I went back to my friend and jumped into their bed. And I was like... Wow. And they're like,

what smells like homeless cock in here? You walked in, you're like, sorry, I have a little cock dandruff on me, but when you were with, uh, when you were with the homeless guy at any point,

did someone say no hobo? I didn't say it. I didn't reveal to him that I knew he was homeless. I guess I felt awkward, and so I tried to ignore him like I usually do with homeless people. Act like he's not there. He's not there, but he's inside me, but he's not. Wow, you deserve better. He's not there, but he's inside you, but he's not. Wow, you deserve better. He's not there, but he's inside you like Jesus.

Yes, exactly. Yes. Right. Yeah. We've been taught all these years. It's finally making sense. It's crazy, you know, when you went down on him and he pulled back this flaky penis and you were so shocked. I can't imagine.

I can't imagine what it was like when he went down to eat your pussy. Right. I think you guys got back at one another there. Wow, Ashley, you are so fun. You have such a great sense of humor. You've only been doing it a year, and here you are, staying in the pocket for a fun minute and a nine-minute interview afterwards. Will you sign up again sometime?

Hang out with us again? I'll be back next week, Tony. Fuck yeah. There you go. Ashley Ryan. She's on Instagram at AshleyRyanTV. Follow her. Damn.

Hey. The band already fucking killing it tonight. We only got time to rehearse, that's it. Hell yeah, playing around. Rehearse and do speed, that's all. Playing around barrel fires every day. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Kyler Bentley.

Kyler Bentley. Oh, shit. Here we go. Here we comes. All the way up. He's coming to the stage. Here we go. Here he go.

Here he comes. This is awesome. I took a couple of my pain pills tonight and I am fucking flying. I love the opioid crisis. It supplements my income and I get a feel like that feather in the Forrest Gump movie. Rather than Lieutenant Dan in the Forrest Gump movie.

The only time it's a crisis is when I run out of opioids. You guys know that song, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Or the police anthem when they're rolling through minority neighborhoods. I wasn't expecting to get up here. There we go. Thank you. Tyler Bentley.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah, this is the second time. Second time. The first time was here? Yeah.

In the main room? Yep. Were you in a wheelchair then? Yeah. It's like two months ago or so. No, this is a recent development? Yeah. In the main room? Yep. Were you in a wheelchair then? Yeah. It's like two months ago or so? No, this is a recent development, yeah. It is? No. No. Okay. Yeah, two months ago about.

Two months ago. Wow. That was fucking awesome, man. That was very funny, man. Very, very funny. Yeah. Very great. That was great. How'd your set two months ago go? Not as good as this, but it went well. That's great, man. your set two months ago go? Not as good as this, but it went well. That's great, man. Yeah, I'm considering paralyzing myself

too. I think your commitment is admirable. You know? Remind us of what has you in the wheelchair. Well, I told you guys last time that my girlfriend was a bodybuilder and I was going down on her, and the orgasm became so intense, she was squeezing my neck like my head was a zit that she was trying to pop.

Wait, are you making a joke right now? Yeah. Let's go with all truths from here on out. It was snowboarding. Wait, what? It was snowboarding. Snowboarding? Yeah. It was snowboarding. Wait, what? It was snowboarding. Snowboarding?

Yeah. Steve ran as easy and Andrew... Santino. Santino, yeah. Yeah, that's the episode you were on. You just answered two different questions at the same time. All right, whatever. I love it, Kyler. So how long ago was the snowboarding accident?

13 years. 13 years ago. And how long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Well, I mean, don't say that. You've been doing stand-up for four months? Stand-up really, Tony? Stop. Yeah, I got you, Joel. I got you.

For four months, that's fucking amazing. That's unbelievable. Yeah, it's really amazing. April 10th was my first time on stage. Wow. That's great. That's mind boggling You're really good at this And you're talking about all the right shit Opioids and the feather

And the Forrest Gump joke was just incredible I love it I thought of that at an open mic last Thursday Fuck yeah You were like yeah this bit has legs Fuck Oh yeah So Do you have a job? yeah, this bit has legs. Fuck. Oh, yeah. So, uh,

so, do you have a job? You don't probably... No, uh... SSI disability. Yeah, exactly. What happened snowboarding that that happened? Went off a jump way too fast,

landed on my back, snapped my neck forward and broke it. Yeah, that'll do it. That's no joke at all. It was fun until I hit the ground. Yeah. All right. By the way, that is the best way to look at that. You should be a motivational speaker.

That is amazing. I did a crazy trick that lost me my job, my home, and my family, but I landed on my feet. Hey, look at that. Don't shake your head at me. So, Kyler, what's it like out there for a Kyler Bentley? What's your living situation? You live here in L. LA? You from here? No, I live in the Inland Empire.

I just moved in February to a senior living facility. But I qualify under the disability. I live with a lot of old people. Right. I have my own apartment and all my neighbors are old.

I have a bunch of surrogate grandmas. It's awesome. That's so great. Heck yeah. You play games with them and stuff? No, I tell them my little jokes and they're like, you're so funny. Right. Right.

And then they die. They do die. How long have you lived at this place? Since February. Yeah, go ahead. It's just cool that they're old and they're precious and then they disappear. Yeah. Well, four months in the county you can say that you're killed.

Do they make food for you there at the place? No. It's called ihss and somebody gets paid to help me clean and cook and all that type of stuff huh very fucking cool man you can you take guys like chicks back to the old person home i can take whoever i want it's not like there's a a check-in or orderlies coming around, making sure I'm still breathing. Right. Yeah, I don't know how it works.

Yeah, it's just a regular apartment, but you've got to either be old or disabled to live there. Oh, I see. Very cool. Is there good internet? Yeah, what's a Wi-Fi password? Yeah. You have a good data plan? What's your

rollover like? I can't afford internet. I bum it off the old guy that lives upstairs. Very cool. Bum it off the old guy upstairs. The old homeless selfie during the middle of an interview. This guy's just begging for...

Anyway. Kyler. Man, that is so fucking interesting. You do a lot of open mics? You're able to get around? Yeah. There's a program called Access. It's like ride sharing.

Yeah. I think Aphrodite... You use that? Hell yeah. The great Aphrodite is here, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that little star over there. It's like Mario Lopez's company or something, right? I don't know.

Yeah. Mario Lopez picks you up and drives you to open tax. It's very, you know. Have you ever been in the same? Do they ever put two people in it at once? Yeah. Have you ever been in one with Aphrodite before? No, but I have drivers.

They call that an Uber Blackest. All right, Aphrodite, settle down. I opened Pandora's fucking black box over there. I have drivers that ask me if I know Aphrodite, so she's doing big things out there. Wow, that's fucking cool. Access drivers. She's fucking access things out there. Wow, that's fucking cool. Access drivers. She's fucking access drivers.

Hell yeah. Blackcess. All right, Kyler. Well, I mean, you absolutely fucking destroyed. I find it one of my favorite things on this show. I always say it. Isn't always when I see someone for the first time and they have a good set. It's when they come back and are better than they were before.

That felt awesome. Yeah. You had an unbelievable set. You fucking killed tonight. How about another hand for Kyler Bentley? Kyler Bentley. Here we go. Lich, my friend.

I want you to step back Step back from that fucking ledge Fucking ledge, my friend Step back from that ledge, my friend There he goes, Tyler Bentley. Takes a while here in the main room. Not necessarily the most handicapped accessible stage. Yeah.

Not necessarily the most handicapped accessible stage. Yeah. Our handicapped access is four open micers putting all their strength together. It's all the stage time they can get. Hey. What the fuck do you look like? I cannot. Is it like a Lego man or something, Chroma Chris?

Like there's something that you look exactly like It's some type of like doll It's like an internet meme or something An ape? No, it's from Team America when he dresses up as a terrorist Ah, that's what it is That's what it is Like the pubic hair is stuck to his

Pulled another name out of the bucket You guys having fun out there? Great. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Kenan Lewis, everyone. Kenan Lewis. There he is from the back corner. Here we go.

One more time for Kenan Lewis, everybody. Yeah. And keep it going for Kill Tony. Keep it going for yourselves. Keep it going for crippling depression. Am I right? Woo! Okay.

I'm the only one in the room that looks at suicide like that dream vacation they'll never afford. Just me? Cool. All right. Healthcare in this country is crazy, right? Seriously, you can only buy one bullet at the gun and ammo shop. They make you buy like a case of bullets there. A whole case of bullets. That's 24 bullets. What am I going to do with 24 bullets?

I don't even go to high school anymore. What am I going to do? I was addicted to Speed for years. Some fans, some fans. Tell me what happened. What happened when Speed 2 came out? Totally ruined my life. Alright.

Hello, Keenan Lewis. Hell yeah. I don't know what you could do with 24 bullets either, but I know what you could do with one bullet that would be awesome. I don't know what you could do with one bullet that would be awesome. I don't know what you would do with the 23 that you left behind. Anyway, that was his joke.

I thought it was interesting that you came up and you were like, the first word you said was crippling. Yeah. Yeah, that was offensive. I was like, depression is not crippling. Snowboarding is crippling. Yeah, right. I love it.

What can I say? Sweat me off. Almost the start of a true Joel Berg chant there. I like that. Kenan, you've been on this show before, right? I have. I remember you because you look like a guy that I know. Is Kenan a white guy name too?

I guess it is, right? It's a white guy last name. Interesting. Very interesting. Do you ever hang out with anyone named Kel? No. No. That's the worst joke and I get it all the time.

No, it's not the worst joke. Your name is fucking Kenan, bro. If your name was Clarissa, one of us would be like, are you going to explain it all? It's your life, bro. It's your parents' fault. Thanks, Mom. Is your real name Kenan?

Yes. If your name was Chip, I'd be like, you owe me money. Oh, yeah, that's an inside reference with a homeless guy named Chip. So Kenan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years. Four years. Wow. All here in Los Angeles?

Yep. Started here. At the comedy store? No. Okay. Started here in LA. Were you raised here? No. Where'd you come from? Arizona. Arizona. How long you look like Squidward became human? Very good. Very good.

Is that a bad joke? No, that was a good joke. Thank you, you fuck. I lost everything. Oh, my God. What do you do for a... What's your day job? I work at studios

I'm like I'm a lighting technician Okay Phil do you think You remind me of another character That we've had on this show Phil do you think there's any chance That you might have used to go by the name Of something that sounds like Phil Billingsley

But might have been Bill Billingsley The way you scream that you fucked up and you lost everything, it reminds me of... Do the words Bill Billingsley mean anything? He hasn't heard that name in 30 years.

You don't know how weird this is. Wow, that is so interesting. You ever fucked your secretary? I love this this is almost like a Tarantino universe type of thing happening here where one of the characters used to this is obviously 30 years after you were

Bill Billingsley you ended up being homeless jail is so hard oh my god wow Kenan I forgot you were here me too so what do you do for work? I'm a set lighting technician, so I work lights and stuff.

Oh, yeah. Is your head ever an issue on set? Yeah, it's too reflective, yes, yes. That was the joke. Yeah, yeah. I heard it, I heard it. Wow. So, Keenan, you have a lot of fun doing stand-up?

Yeah, usually What's your favorite what? Like if you were to buy a bulb at a store What would you grab? Love a 1K 1K? They make those? Yes, yes Wow

I just heard 85 people stop watching the stream Yes, then around the world You are welcome There were too many There were too many. There were too many listeners. Are you really depressed or is that just... I have battled with depression. Okay. Yeah. I'm actually pretty happy right now.

When you say that you battled with it, like, you make it sound like you came out on top, Game of Thrones style or something like that. I left my house today. Yeah. That's how I battled it. Could you explain to me how you have battled with depression? I left my house today. Yeah, that's how I battled it. Could you explain to me how you have battled with depression? I left my house with all the food and stuff in it. Where do you live right now?

Right outside of your living room. All right. Okay, well. The school shooting joke is good That one was good That's a fun We have a mass shooting every week It'll always be topical

I wish I could afford a gun What do you do for fun, Kenan? What are you into? Some hobbies or fun facts about Kenan we should know I'm a 33-year-old skateboarder I enjoy skateboarding What do you do for fun, Kenan? What are you into? Some hobbies or fun facts about Kenan we should know? I am a 33-year-old skateboarder. I enjoy skateboarding. Well, if you want to get better at stand-up, let me suggest snowboarding. Yeah, I know.

I'd really kill. Tim Dillon is here. Oh, my God. Wow. How about other than skateboarding? What else? Photography, film, that fun stuff. Wow.

Yeah. Man, your life is so depressing. So you have an iPhone. I lead a nice life. I lead a nice life. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long have you been with her?

Oh, you have a girlfriend, too. That's nice. Two years. Two years now. Two years. Oh, a long-term relationship. Oh, okay. What does she do? School psychologist. Oh, she's got a job,

Jim! School what? School psychologist. School psychologist. Don't judge me! Does she work on you a lot? Is half the relationship her trying to help you out? It's me trying to get free psychology from her.

She doesn't budge. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you think you do or a specialty of yours? Like you ever just nerd out on a pussy or something like that? I'm really good at holding hands. I'm super good at holding hands. You ever spit in someone's mouth? Answer me!

I asked you a question! Yes, yes! I have! Phil Billingsley is out of control back there. Wow. Come on, Keenan. There must be something. I get the vibe like, what's a normal sexual experience? Honestly, without trying to be funny, I notice you keep trying to be very silly,

and it keeps going terribly wrong during the interview part. So just be honest with me. I'm curious. Do I have special sexual abilities? No. Let me put it to you this way. What's an average sexual experience with you and your girlfriend like? Is there a normal routine that you guys have?

I spread my cheeks. I don't know. Like morning sex, you know. Usually in the morning? You just kind of rub up against her and, yeah. Wow. Hell yeah. God, this sounds awful.

No, it doesn't. I hope she doesn't listen to this. No, she won't. That's true. So you rub up against her. So like what? You're in your underwear? Yeah, both in our underwear.

Underwear only? Yeah. You seem like you'd wear like a t-shirt to bed too or something like that. I don't. Right. Do you try to ever be funny to initiate sex? I don't think that would work. I really don't. Right. Do you try to ever be funny to initiate sex? I don't think that would work. I agree with you.

I don't think that would work. I agree with you wholeheartedly. So you just normally rub up against her, and she sort of wakes up and pushes back a little bit? Yeah, wait for a little response. You sleep with your glasses on? No. No. I don't. You seem like you would. What serial You sleep with your glasses on? No. No.

I don't. You seem like you would. One serial killer sleeps with their glasses on. I want my vision as soon as I open my eyes immediately. I wish I had glasses to sleep in. You have bad eyesight, Phil? Must be nice. You slept at the bottom of a glass for the last 30 years.

Yeah, I've got all this. Well, Kenan, fun times. Thank you. For who? We'll see you again soon. Thank you very much. Kenan Lewis. He's on social media, at Kenan Lewis. And Kyler

Bentley is all one word. Kyler Bentley Comedy. That's K-Y-L-E-R B-E-N-T-L-E-Y Comedy. All one word. How many of you out there like it when comedians do good on this show with their 60 seconds? How many of you out there like to watch people

bomb on this stage? Wow. Wow. Wow. This is a real Kill Tony crowd here tonight. That was a strong one. These people like to see people struggle. They want carnage. Yeah. All right.

Let's keep moving along. Make some noise for Brian Matthews, everyone. Brian Matthews. Wow. You got a big pop from the comedians. They are excited about this. Here he is. Brian Matthews, everyone.

Hey, guys. Right off the top, I understand I look like the first lesbian in a Latino gang. All right, you see it too. All right. I'm actually Native American, though. Latino gang? Alright, you see it too. I'm actually Native American though. So I just look like the lead singer for a band, Trail of Tears for Fears. Pout. Pout. Let it all out.

These are the things that I cry about Now come on! Oh man, awesome. You guys, being Native American, I have trust issues. I can never, ever sleep in the night at someone's house because growing up, my mom just told me, you know, Brian, as a Native American, we just can't trust the blankets people give us anymore. You guys, a lot of people had to die for that joke.

I'm going to need some more. Hell yeah. Brian Matthews. Funny stuff. Hell yeah. What's going on, guys? Welcome, welcome welcome welcome it's so good to see

Lena Dunham here on Kill Tony for the first time what did you think about that Tim? any initial thoughts? I don't feel bad we took your land if that's what you people were going to do with it I'm pretty glad

we just put Arby's everywhere to be honest I thought it was it was you know you're a Native American and you mentioned that it was good it's the first time in the show we've ever done this your set was so good Brian and you mentioned that. It was good. Yeah.

This is the first time in the show we've ever done this. Your set was so good, Brian, we're going to give you a casino. Congratulations. Congratulations. You could bomb there. God. So you're Native American. How old are you, Brian? 27.

27 years old. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. All of it here in L.A.? L.A. and Orange County. 27 years old. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years. All of it here in L.A.? Uh, L.A. and Orange County. L.A. And San Diego.

Is your Native American name bombing on shows? God. Hey! Hey! Where did you grow up? Did you grow up, like, in a reservation or, like, in a... No, I grew up in Orange County, but I would go visit my family a lot on the reservation.

Yeah. Okay. That's fun. What was that like, going to a reservation? I've never been on one. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah?

What's it like? It's the land that nobody wanted and then we just stay on it. It's like three hours away from the nearest city in the middle of the desert. There's like a malnourished cow. I'll take a piece.

Okay. So, I mean, like there's a malnourished cow. I'll take a piece. Okay. So, I mean, like there's a malnourished cow, what, on the way outside of it? Just roaming around the desert. Don't talk about your mother like that. My goodness. So, like, what do they do there? What do they eat? What's it like being there?

Pills. That's what they eat? What's it like being there? Pills. That's what they eat. It's depressing. You just do drugs or you ride a quad. Ride a what? Like an ATV quad? That sounds great.

Four-wheeler? Yeah, like those four-wheelers. What the hell do you guys call it? A quad? Oh, yeah. I don't know anything about that. Some Indian shit right there, my friend. Quad? Yeah.

We call it four-wheelers where I'm from. We went four-wheel and quad. I call it can of four. Is your family supportive of your comedy? Yeah, they're pretty supportive. My dad, he plays music, so he's just like... Hi-yi-yi-yi. Hi-yi-yi-yi.

Hi-yi-yi-yi. Hi-yi-yi-yi. Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Hi-yi-yi-ya Guys

It's raining outside. Hey, now. We're in it tonight, people. We are in it to win it this evening. Return to Renaissance. Is there a lot of hallucinogens, like a lot of drugs and stuff with your culture? Do you guys all go smoke out in the teepee? Is that a thing?

Or is that just Joshua Tree? I do drugs, and I feel like I just make that an excuse. Like, oh, it's part of our heritage. But it's not really. You're doing them outside of a Jollibee? Yeah. Yeah. It's not exactly a mythological journey.

You drink a lot? Not anymore. What happened? I started getting sick. I bartend and then like just around alcohol so much that like it started making me

like throw up too much. Wow. That's your name, right? Throw up too much. Oh, geez. My goodness. What are some other fun facts about you, Brian?

What do you like to do? Any hobbies or fun facts about you, Brian? What do you like to do? Any hobbies or fun facts about you? I'm super overly obsessed with horror movies. I'm trying to recreate them or just dissect them. Well, you did a good job with the minute. Oh, man. Man. So you do that a lot.

Yeah. That's interesting. And when you say recreate them, that means you reshoot the scenes? I want, like I'm trying to. I want to learn more practical effects and stuff like that. I love over-the-top, like bloody, like Sam Raimi. Absolutely. Yeah, Evil Dead, one of my favorite movies, is Before I Lost Everything.

My goodness. So, Brian, other than horror films, what else are you into? Fuck. It's weird, because I are you into? Oh, fuck. It's weird because I'm really into bartending. So I really get into that whole, oh, making cocktails. You like one of those trick bartenders or something like that? Where do you bartend?

I bartend over in Huntington Beach. Okay. Yeah. That exhale that I got when I just asked you if you could do trick bartending, what was that? What was the answer? Well, I think it's kind of pretentious where it's like, you asked you if you could do trick bartending. What was that? What was the answer? Well, I think it's kind of pretentious where it's like, you know, you do that flare bartending where you're like, throw the bottles up. I'm like, oh, look at me do this.

Yeah, I was just so hoping that that was the kind that you did because we were going to have you. No. So something you could do with that? I mean, not really. Right. Not without the 14 people in the front row having glass in their eyeballs. Alright, hand it back over there.

My goodness. So, anything crazy ever happen to you while bartending? Oh, fuck. I mean, fights happen all the time. That's always weird because you want to break it up because people are getting... It's douchey white people

in Huntington Beach right it's weird you like watching him beat the shit out of each other like this yeah you like watching the white man go down yeah yeah I would if I were you I'd fucking start fights you know let them fuck turn them on each other you know

here's your drink just to let you know that guy on the other end of the bar just called you a pussy. Yeah. Wow. That's fun, Brian. What's your love life like? I'm actually in a relationship right now, which is great. I was like single for a minute real quick at the beginning of the year.

For a minute real quick. Minute real quick. Yeah, as all minutes are. Yeah. What does the lucky lady do? Her name is Sasha. She actually does comedy, too. Wow, was that her?

Is that her? It sounds like one of your recreated horror movies back there. Yeah, was that her or an ancient spirit? Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi. All right. Well, Brian, so-yi-yi. All right. Well, Brian, so much fun, man. Congrats. First time on the show.

Thank you. Fun times. Nice to meet you. There he goes. At Brian with no eyes. Could have spent more time with him, but we need that land back. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You got to return him to the council of elders. He actually got emotional at the end. He left a trail of tears the entire way back to his seat. Be careful. He might sue. way back to his seat. Be careful. He might sue. Wow.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Roy Reynolds, Tucson, Arizona. Roy Reynolds. From the farthest, luckiest part of the forum. Well, I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be the man who goes along with you.

Hey, when I go up. Hey, well, I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be the man who steps back from that ledge. Oh, wait. No Roy Reynolds. Oh, that guy just had to go to the bathroom right when I said a name. That's the worst. That was so bizarre.

Okay. Let's go worst. That was so bizarre. Okay. Let's go with David Paulus. Hey, hey, hey. There he is. I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be the man who goes along with you. Walk 500 miles and I would walk 500. Come on, people.

Make some noise for David Paulus. Everybody's always talking about the millennial age we live in. Nobody talks about the Cialis age. These guys in their 50s and beyond in the dating scene, always with Asian women. After the thoroughbred stopped giving them attention, Asian women are white men's

fallback plan for relationships, because Asian women will fuck a trash can they don't care. I don't understand guys that were into docile. I don't understand guys that are into docile, fragile women. I like strong women. I like women with dicks. Not real dicks, but I mean, you know, if a bitch can throw me through the

fucking drywall, I'm in. These CrossFit women, I want them all. There's nothing wrong with a little HGH or testosterone, okay? A little dick clit. It's fine. You just move it out of the way. testosterone, okay? A little dick clit. It's fine. You can just move it out of the way. Still a pussy. That's enough out of me. Fuck yeah. Nailing it. Exactly a minute. Rolling right through it.

Hell yeah. David, this is your first time on the show? It's my second time. Second time. My first time, he was here July 1st. Wow. He was here. He's the guy who made the movie. Oh my god, and look at that. This is another one of those situations where Second time. Second time. My first time, he was here July 1st. Wow. He was here. He's the guy who made the movie. He made all the movies. Oh, my God. And look at that.

This is another one of those situations where you're back again from a couple months ago and much better set than last time, right? Yeah. There you go. Yeah. How exciting is that? David Paul is. Very exciting.

I've been working at it, man. Yeah. It's very good. It shows. You're right. Asian women will fuck a guy in their 50s and they will fuck a trash can because Red Band is both of those things. It shows. You're right. Asian women will fuck a guy in their 50s, and they will fuck a trash can because Red Man is both of those things. It's true.

And he has a little Asian girlfriend. I've been preaching this for years. Yeah. Yeah. You're a trash can in your 50s? Tell him how right he was. You're right. I look like I'm in the 50s.

I'm only 45, and I am a trash can. He is. You made a choice, though. That's different. There's nothing wrong with Asian women. I'm just saying at some point that's all you can get. You're right. Trash can. What am I talking about? So what's your girlfriend

look like? Nothing. You're single. You can't even get an Asian girl. Oh Jesus. Red Band's getting his revenge on you. Yeah, you're single. You can't even get an Asian girl. Wow. Oh, Jesus. Red Band's getting his revenge on you. Yeah, you're a fucking trash can. Hey, I live in a trash can. It's pretty nice.

How about the first comic that came up? That might work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You want an aggressive woman? Yeah. No, no. Not that aggressive. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You want an aggressive woman? Yeah. No, no, not that aggressive.

Okay. Let's see. Wow. You have a flaky penis? Yeah. No, mine doesn't get used enough to be flaky. Wow. It's crispy.

Mine looks like a bowl of cornflakes. Okay, all right. When's the last time you used your penis? 12 hours ago, but with a woman, yeah, three months ago, four months ago. Three months ago. Three months ago. I'm 40.

I'm just not as after it as I used to be. You jerk off right when you wake up in the morning? You said 12 hours ago. I woke up at 6. That's 9.19 AM. I was up at 6. You were up at 6? I was up at 6. I was already at the gym.

He was at the office He just whipped it out in front of somebody One of his co-workers You went to the gym? What time did you go to the gym? 6.30 Gross You people disgust me Red Band I don't have anyone to wake up to in the morning

Maybe start gaining some weight. Stop going to the gym. Yeah. All right. It'll work out for you. Okay. Red Band. Josh, man.

So, why three months? Why no dating? Yeah. I just... I did really... Actually, it was a part of my set last time I was here. I did well up to a certain age, and then when I made the movie,

couldn't really afford to go out, and I just kind of have decided to not settle, per se. I mean, I still do once in a great while, but... It's important to not settle. I think he lives around the corner from me. Absolutely. That's it. Not really a rush. I think he lives around the corner from me. Absolutely. That's it. Not really a rush.

I'm not desperate. So for those of you that weren't here on his last time, you made a movie and you spent all your money on it. What was it called again? Best Thanksgiving Ever. Best Thanksgiving Ever. And it was about like a wacky story and it didn't do good? No, no, no. It's a good movie.

It won several Oscars. The most popular person in it is Eric Roberts from 80s Action Star. Hollywood Jesus is in it. I forgot to mention that. We love Hollywood Jesus. Kevin Lee Light. He was the best.

We made a movie that was based on making a good movie instead of just putting a bunch of stars in it and having a shit plot. Like why nobody goes to the fucking TV anymore. What happened to the good movie part? It's funny. But you spent all your money on it. Now you're broke, right? I spent my money to make sure it got done.

I mean, I raised money from investors to spend on it. So, yeah, it was like half a million dollars. So now what? These are all the investors that gave their money to the film. He did give me a dollar when he came up on it. So yeah, it was like half a million dollars. So now what? These are all the investors that gave their money to the film. He did give me a dollar when he came up on stage. Last time I was here, you guys mentioned it and Best Thanksgiving Ever got a little run.

Hey now, the Kill Tony bump. I notice it's NC-17. What's the... That's wrong. It's rated R. It's not NC-17. Why does it say that? I have no idea That just means it's 17 people saw it But on Amazon Prime and iTunes

That's what that means Amazon Prime and iTunes is rated R IMDB is rated R Interesting, interesting So now what do you do? Well, I've been at Restaurant Maitre D For 15 years between New York and LA To pay the bills

And then I get acting work here and there. But for the most part, that's been how I paid the bills. That's cool. You have any cool acting gigs that we may have seen you? You ever in the background on Friends or something like that?

I had a small role in a Tyler Perry movie years back. Wow. You got casted in a Tyler Perry movie? How cool is that? Oh my God. Life is not fair! He wrote the role for a white guy named Miller,

and instead he let me play an Arab guy named Miller. And, yeah, it was just a quick scene, but some dialogue, got a little run off that, and then done a little bit of TV. And then I did a movie with 50 Cent where he was a cancer patient. Wow. It was a football movie called Things Fall Apart. I was the assistant coach in that movie.

I went to Grand Rapids, Michigan, 50 miles south of where I went to college on a field that I played football on in college. Wow.

Grand Valley State and we shot a movie there so it was kind of weird how it came full circle. Wow. Yeah. 65 pounds ago. Did that movie come out?

Yeah. What'd you say? Did that movie come out? It came out and I think Best Thanksgiving Ever has gotten more run than that movie got. Fun fact about making a movie with 50 Cent, it gets shot 17 times. Boom! Somebody say 50 Cent. Anything else crazy about you we should know, David?

I speak Arabic. My mom and dad are from Iraq. Get the fuck out of here. Anything else crazy about you we should know, David? I speak Arabic. My mom and dad are from Iraq. Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy. You're Iraqi? I am first generation American, but Iraqi by heritage. Did you ever think of going back to the old country? Uncle, what do you say?

Yeah. You know what? I'd love to. I've been to Lebanon once. It's the only time I've been to the Middle East. But unfortunately, I don't think I'll see Iraq in my lifetime. At least in the past three months, I don't think I'll see Iraq in my lifetime, at least. At least in the past three months, you haven't seen

Iraq. Can you give us a little example? Can you do like a knock-knock joke or something? Something with comedic beats, like a knock-knock joke, perhaps, but completely in Arabic. Can you do that real quick? Can you bomb in Arabic? Yeah.

Or do you need to be on an airplane to do that? How does that work? Walla, anu kinto bin 9-11, asuq al-tiyara, wa ba'din jawi. Boom! Qatalu killa. Okay. Allahu Akbar. That sounds like Donald Trump speaking Arabic.

Like, that did not sound like that. That's exactly what that was. Yeah. Wow. Didn't sound real. I heard you say 9-11. That was very clear. What was the English translation of that joke?

You can fumble through any fucking language. You just have to throw a few English words. Sure, what was the joke? There was no joke. I was just speaking Arabic. What did you say? I thought you said every time I go near a movie, it's 9-11. I said I happen to be flying a plane around 9-11.

Then I hit a tree, and I've been hiding ever since. Wait, you said you could fumble through any language? Yeah, these guys have been doing it all night. Even Japanese? All right, I don't know what's going on here. Every once in a while, you deal with crazy old homeless people, so shit gets a little wacky. Wow, so that gets a little wacky. Wow.

So that's fun, David. I can't believe you are Iraq. He. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're a country. I can't either. Originally from Michigan.

And why'd your parents come here? How did they get here? My parents, they got married in Lebanon. They had to leave Iraq when shit got nasty in the 60s. And then my dad's business was in Nigeria. They lived there for 12 years. What was his business? Was he a prince?

He was an engineer. Being a cuck? And then they immigrated to the U.S. They went to Detroit because a lot of the Arabs are there after the Industrial Revolution. Instead of a liquor store, my dad traveled to Nigeria. It's also a beautiful city. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Very nice. Don't believe the documentaries. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Or your eyes and ears when you visit. And that. Yeah.

Your Iraqi parents ever tough on you? Like, David, what are you... I got my ass kicked. Oh, yeah. How about now? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean... What are you doing?

Why don't they get their life together, David? Something like that. Yeah, that's how my mom sounds. Your movie was a massive failure. What is this comedy career and why do I have to give you money every month? All you do is wake up, go to gym, jerk off. They ever tell you that? Anything like that?

I'm sorry, mom. Oh, that's what your mom sounds like? Wow. Yeah, you sound like my mom right there, your impersonation. Oh, yeah. Well, she's got a deep voice. They're proud of me. The only thing is she wishes I was married with kids by now.

Yeah. David, I was watching on the TV that married with children, and I was thinking about what the fuck happened to you. Like that? Yeah. They don't wish you were like a suicide bomber. They're like, listen, die with honor. I'm Catholic too, so that's the weird kind of dynamic.

No suicide bombing in my lineage. Interesting. I like that you're the two religions that are most in the news for fucked up shit. Yeah, for sure. I like that. Incredible. My goodness.

Well, there you go, David. Congratulations. Good to see you again. Better set than last time. People are getting better here. David Paulus. Thank you very much. He's on Twitter at TheDPaulus, P-A-U-L-U-S.

Yeah. Back to the bucket we go. Let's get another one up here. How about a hand for Michael Silver, everybody? Michael Silver. Michael Silver. Knots in the street. I don't see anything.

Michael Silver. My goodness. How about Jonathan Dean Price? I don't see anything. Michael Silver? No. My goodness. How about Jonathan Dean Price? Jonathan Dean Price. It's like the same handwriting. Oh. Oh, that's an interesting one.

Okay, how about Crystal Chats? Crystal Chats. Oh, there's a big pop. Someone's coming. The comics like this one. Here she comes. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.

Hey, how about one more time? Good and loud for Crystal Chats. What's up, guys? Yes. What do I want to say first? Does everyone in here have a favorite school shooting? Or justice shooting? No, shooting is too soon. Okay, how about this? I treat the men in my life the same way I treat pieces of my wardrobe. They always end up getting donated back to the community. Okay, that's too mean, too. Okay, all right, all right. You guys are a soft crowd. I'm going to go back to the shooter joke.

Yes, that was a pun. So, yeah, my favorite school shooting wasn't at a school. Shh. This is genius, okay? So do you guys remember the shooting that happened at the video game tournament? The video game tournament. So allow me to incorrectly use the word martyr here, but the guy basically went in and shot up a room

filled with potential school shooters. Wow. There's the West Hollywood bear. My goodness. Crystal, crystal, Crystal. I know, I'm sorry. I think it would do well on the Tonight Show. The Leno years.

Wow. Crystal, those jokes fell flatter than your chest. Yeah. Jesus! She's laughing about it. It's okay. She's laughing about it. Got a standing ovation from the black guy.

There we go. I mean, how is that shirt even staying on? Look at that thing. Yeah. It's like a rope snake. Look at that. Aphrodite is offering you tits right now. This has never happened rope snake. Look at that. Aphrodite is offering you tits right now. This has never happened before in the

history of this show. It's okay, Crystal. It's alright. You have the same size chest as everybody else on the stage with you right now. You're just fine. You're perfect. I'm doing a little better. He's got a bigger chest than I do. I know. Well, so does his table.

Wow. Crystal, welcome to the show. This is your first time on this show, correct? It is. It is. Heck yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like three months. Three months. Yeah. Very cool. Do you do anything or is school shooting just kind of the act? Just keep teasing

that school shooting joke that's coming any second. I got nervous. It's not even a school shooting joke. It's just a shooting joke. I liked when you called yourself a genius.

What? It's always a ballsy move. Oh my god. Honestly, I think I started stuttering because I wanted to open with the homeless joke. It's all good. That happened. Tell the homeless joke.

Can I tell it? Sure. All I was going to say was I don't understand why people in LA need to have recycling bins when there's just all the homeless people to come collect it out for them. There you go. Genius. Oh, look at this. He's giving her

Tasty Eddie is offering you his only dollar that he has to his name to never tell that joke again. Yeah. Oh, she's putting it in her shirt. And it just went all the way down into her vagina. I've never seen it. Can you give her three million other dollars?

Her flat chest just accepted that bill like a parking machine. It just, like, sucked it right in. We're getting tips from the audience. Okey dokey. No, that's all good. There you go. Never again. There you go. Welcome to the show, Crystal. You've been doing stand-up a few months.

Tell us more about you. You seem very mellow, like very loosey-goosey right now. Are you a little bit under the influence of something or anything? I was trying to run out to get another drink because obviously... Are you an influencer on Instagram or anything? I was trying to run out to get another drink. Are you an influencer?

On Instagram or something? Not at all. Are you under the influencer? Let's check in with Hobo Baggins. I just figured it'd be one of me or the boys would take a shit on the stage first. There you go. Welcome to another episode of You Can't Win Them All I just figured it'd be one of me or the boys would take a shit on the stage first. Okay. There you go.

Welcome to another episode of You Can't Win a Ball with Chroma Chris. Did you just thumbs down me? Did you watch your set? Hobo. Get the fuck out of here. That's Chroma Chris. He just said get the fuck out of here. Are you fucking kidding me?

No, Hobo. Relax. Relax, hobo. Crystal, over here. Over here. He's the crazy one. You got to be shitting me. Oh, my God.

I took Crystal math earlier. Oh, my God. Hobo, relax. Relax, hobo. And speed. Okay. Okay. He's so mad.

He's so mad. There you go. All right. Crystal, over here. My homeless joke crushed. Over here, Crystal. Over's so mad. He's so mad. There you go. All right. Crystal, over here. My homeless joke crushed. Over here, Crystal. Over here. Over here.

Your chest? And he's back. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Chroma Chris. Hobo Baggins is out of control.

Not the first time I've seen a homeless man on fire in Los Angeles before. Wow. So Crystal Chats, let me try to save you from the destruction that's taking place right now. I don't want you to end up in their barrel fire tonight. I'm okay with it. I mean, like, obviously I would want to push them, bro, if I really gave a fuck. Am I right?

Oh, you're still talking about... My flat chest. Yeah. No, the problem was the comedy. That's not... It's really not the chest. I'm so sorry! Yeah. God dang. It's hard not the chest. I'm so sorry. Yeah.

Like, it's hard, you know. That it is. That it is. You're telling me. It's a hard thing to do. It is difficult. I mean, you know, I wasn't that bad. Much like your bra maker, I'd give you an A. I don't even know.

Bra makers aren't a thing. Much like your local bra maker. How often do you do it? Comedy. I'm honestly too embarrassed to admit. Okay. There's no embarrassing answer. We've heard it all here.

This show's existed for over six years. I do it a couple of times a week. Okay. A couple times a week for three months. How many drinks have you had tonight? What are we talking about here? Three. Three drinks and what antidepressants are we mixing them with here? What kind of pills?

What's the pill sitch? No antidepressants. Nothing. No medicine at all today? No. Just three drinks? Just three drinks. Well, and no food. Oh, no food. There we go. Did Bill Cosby make these drinks? Just three drinks. Well, and no food. Oh, no food. There we go. Did Bill Cosby make these drinks? Join the club.

Why just no food the whole day? Well, I'm a bud tender. You're a bartender? A bud. Oh, so you get stoned all day. All day. So you're stoned to the gullets right now and you had three drinks and you haven't eaten today. There we go. And the jokes were horrific.

Yeah. And those are the only problems. You know the written material and everything else. So Crystal, you've been doing it for three months. What else about you? What do you do for fun? Tell us something interesting about you. Interesting?

Yeah. How about set a lower bar, anything. Yeah. You're the vice president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee? That's so stupid, but I can't help it. I just can't help it. I know it's stupid before I say it.

Interesting? I mean, like, what? There's nothing. I'm not interested. what? Like, there's nothing. I'm not interested. I'm so sorry. Come on. Like, what's an average? Everybody has one interesting thing.

I can flip my eyelids inside out. Oh, God. No, don't do that. Are you ready? Are you ready? Okay. Do you want me to do it? Yeah, do it.

Wait, let me see. Over here. Oh, yeah. That's scary as fuck. I remember that in elementary school. Very good. You look like, that's scary as fuck. I remember that in elementary school. Very good. You look like Ali Wong when you do that. I feel like you know the answer to how many cholos does it take to screw in a light bulb.

How many? I don't get it. She knows the answer. I don't. Tell me. What just happened? You ever go to the park and sketch squirrels making love with your human poop? Oh, my goodness.

You homeless guys are crazy right now. I love your voice. I do love your voice, though. It's like a hypnotic kind of. I wish you were like a 911 operator. I have a podcast. Okay. The Healthy Bosses.

That's not the direction I wanted that to go in. That was not an invitation to plug an hour of you uh i think a minute was to fit what is your podcast like you're just like hello whatever it's a podcast whatever i didn't even eat today you know like dead kids that's hilarious anyway whatever oh my god. I'm going to go ahead and plug Evan Cassidy who's going to be my guest tonight. Evan Cassidy

just canceled. Alright, there she goes. Crystal Chats, everyone. Next time come back. Let's actually talk to the real human being. You're a little bit fucked up. Crystal Chats. At Crystal Chats with a K.

Come back sober. Welcome to another episode of Come Back Sober. Sometimes marijuana is not for everyone. It's true. I don't even know if it's really marijuana. I'd say three drinks, empty stomach on that one. That's what it seemed like.

She's a bud tender, so she obviously smokes a lot of pop. But three drinks, empty stomach. You don't ever have to worry about that because you never have an empty stomach. No. Thanks to Postmates.com slash Kill Tony. That's right. You can save right now. Use the promo code Kill Tony.

And you know, on this show, ladies and gentlemen, we do have a regular. And every single week, he writes and performs a brand new 60 seconds. He doesn't get pulled out of the bucket. He has to do it automatically. And every single week, we have so much fun with him. We have an amazing cast of former regulars,

you know, Wineshank, Congdon, Malcolm Hatchett, Ali Makovsky, now opening for Joe Rogan, Malcolm Hatchett Ali Makovsky, now opening for Joe Rogan Malcolm Hatchett, working with the great Justin Roiland

And this guy's potential is just out of this world He cracks me up every single Fucking week with his unorthodox style I present to you the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody Yes Here he comes Oh my god

Here he is Come Oh, my God. Here he is. Come on. Make some noise for William, everyone. What's up, y'all? I used to play Flip Cup before my immune system got compromised. The rumors are true. I have strep throat and AIDS. Let me hear y'all make some noise if you ever go to theme parks just to look at the kids. So I've been going to a bunch of theme parks recently.

I go because people don't realize I'm looking at the Asian kids unable to get on the roller coaster. I only go to the psychics who can tell me my past. But seriously, I do have strep throat. I think something is also wrong with my adenoids. I'm currently in a rap group called Adenoids. Jay-Z told me to tell that joke.

Did he? He did. Yeah? What'd you do? I did a lot. When I discovered I had HIV, I went to a clinic at first. I was somewhere outside of Phoenix. I didn't necessarily trust just the doctor in there,

some guy named Mark Peterson. Okay. How about a hand for William everybody I sort of sort of kept his minute going a little bit longer than maybe I so nice to be here I'll be very frank with y'all

I literally go under the knife in 24 hours the doctor told me not to drink or do anything I'll be honest I'm on cough pills. You're going under the knife? What are they doing? Cutting out the AIDS? What are they doing to me?

I'm going to repeat this. I'm literally, I've been way too fat for probably 15 years now. I'm getting a liposuction procedure in 72 hours. Wait, 72? What are you procedure in 72 hours. Wait, 72?

So what are you doing in 24 hours? What do you say to the knife in 24? I'm going to a Wendy's, and I was excited when I heard you were on the show tonight. Yeah. Can I ask you to go to Wendy's with me tomorrow? Listen, 100%. Can you stand beside me for a second?

Wait a second. I always have to get up. This bit always requires me to... He always makes me get up. Yeah, we can stand together. What's happening here? Let's just pretend like we're at the Wendy's. We're both about to go under the knife in less than 24

hours. We've gotten to be really good friends sort of with me touring with you and just all that comes with that. Yeah, that's not happening. But... Are you really going to mess us up like... No, so we're at a Wendy's, and I love you. I get a Dave's Double.

You get a single. I have the app on my phone. William, are you just describing the scene, or is there going to be one? I like Wendy's. Wait, is that it? Wendy's in the 90s was great, but it's lost a lot of steam.

What are you talking about? Oh, jeez. I knew you'd wake Red Band up. I don't know if y'all are people who invest in the stock market, look up Wendy's. Okay, William, why did you have Tim stand up? He always does this to me.

I respect it. It's a power move. It really is. Just me going into the doctor's office, you're the doctor, and just you telling me I actually do have strep throat. You want me to diagnose you with strep throat? Are you cool with that? Is the doctor's office also a Wendy's?

It is. Yeah, sure. That's where he meets his doctor. Okay, so you're at the Wendy's. You just ordered food, and you're about to tell him he has strep throat. And action. Malcolm?

It's William. William? Sorry, the old one. I forget. The old one. I'm sorry. I forgot. That's the other one.

We're going to take it from the top. We're going to take it from the top. I apologize. Sorry. I'm just thinking of what I want to get at Wendy's when I leave. Danny, are you up there? Maybe we could single spot this scene. Let's take it from the top.

Hey, Red Band, do you have the MIA paper planes? No. You don't need paper planes to come in at the end of this. No, we don't need music at all. They're at Wendy's. It's a doctor's office. William, thank you for coming. Tim, I'll be very honest. My stomach started

hurting a couple weeks ago. I did some research. My throat was hurting as well. I've been terrified. I have strep throat. Wait. That's why I'm here I trust you you have that eye patch you always wear

you have it all I can't believe it can you really not well as a medical professional who operates out of a Wendy's with an eye patch you know you're my only patient.

And so it's not that I root for you to be sick, but I like seeing you. So I'm glad you came in today. You do live here. So I'm going to just go ahead without a test and say you probably do have strep throat and potentially also HIV. Two years ago, I never told. The prescription for that is baked potato and chili, which we make by taking the used up hamburger meat and putting it in, which is not sanitary,

but it is tasty. And that is where I picture just literally MIA paper plane splint. Yeah, I gotta be honest. The fact that we don't have paper planes. The fact that we don't have paper planes. On the edge of a fucking bridge. Yeah, it ruined the bit. Jumping off.

It ruined the bit. No paper planes. Thanks a lot. Let's give it up for Dave Thomas. How do we look more homeless than the band? They spent an hour trying to look homeless. We just stood up.

Wow. How about a hand for Tim Dillon? That was incredible. Tony, I know it's against the rules. Yeah. I think I've said it all too time, repeating the squirrel album joke and I say I feel like Tim likes it I love the joke it's my best thing family

channel has me just notched in on an episode of rescue 911 because of a are you trying to be let me ask you a question this look here tonight I'm noticing something are you trying to be the first male comedian to do a pregnant special?

Yeah. You know, Bert Kreischer already did two of those. Hey, Tony, I'm pregnant. Wait, how did you get pregnant, William? Tell me about it. There was a dude in the Philippines I met. Yeah? He seemed really nice.

I told him I appear that I'm a male, but I actually have ovaries. Where are the ovaries located? Sort of in my tummy area. I feel like that's why I wore this shirt tonight. I'm literally pregnant. If they're in your tummy, where did he put his penis? It was behind a lady's footlocker no no no can you play that a little longer because this is what i you love that song wait oh my god he's

dancing whoa we've never seen william dance in any of his appearances. He does some type of sick robot dance. Wow. This is incredible. Wow, he just went still. It's like he's on some type of turnstile. Who is that bitch in the back not laughing? What the fuck is going on?

I'm pouring my heart and soul out tonight. Are you Persian? Whoa, whoa, William, William. Why do you go straight to Persian? I tried out for Aladdin. I didn't make it. What role in Aladdin? I lived in the sewers. I'll be very honest. I don't tell a bunch of people in Aladdin? I lived in the sewers.

I'll be very honest. I don't tell a bunch of people that. I almost drowned a couple times. You live in the sewers? Yeah, I've literally been in the sewers. Looking for food. Looking for my aunt. Wondering where my uncle is.

Wondering where my Monopoly board is. I love that game. Ventnor Avenue? Okay. William's having Monopoly flashbacks here. Mediterranean? No thanks. No thanks? You don't like to slum it up sometimes?

Well, too many Hispanics. Whoa, my God. You have attacked Persians and Hispanics. Phil, what do you think about that? Honestly, I spaced out. I was thinking about my secretary when that happened. All right, William. Well, another very fun set.

You're absolutely so different and crazy. I just want to say one last thing. Literally, I haven've been on YouTube in eight fucking months. There is that piece of shit Cracker Barrel Kid 55 literally going to my parents' house

when I accidentally gave out the address. He went there? What did he do? He's been playing Ring and Run. He's been rolling their trees and toilet paper. My father is very sick. He's been rolling their trees in toilet paper. My father is very sick. He has Lyme's disease. Big hiker got bit by a tick.

A tick? My goodness. I can't believe it. What would you like to say to Cracker Barrel Kid if he's watching tonight? What I would like to say is I think it'd be cool if you and I could meet. I feel like maybe we'd like one another. I think maybe we would enjoy one another's songs, choices. Wait, what?

What about song choices? Did you just find MIA paper planes for the first time last week? Here's what scares me. Last thing I'll say, I'm trying to play it cool saying this right now, but the amount of terror he's wreaked on my life, just in my fantasy world, I have a pistol in my hand, and I kick in his fucking bedroom door

and just shoot him a bunch of times. You're talking about Cracker Barrel Kid 55, a troll on YouTube that comments on all your videos. Okay. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery, huh? This has been a

fun show. What do you guys think? Should we go back to the bucket one more time? Tony. Yeah, let's check in with Phil Billingsley. This isn't funny, but if you like MIA paper planes, listen to The Clash's song, which she sampled. The Clash, straight to hell. Sampled from that.

Just listen to it. Goodbye. I mean, you are right. I actually like that. I like that song. That's a fact from two years ago that's when I had a house last he just learned thanks for bringing it up all right you

guys are all wacky you guys having fun out there put your hands together for your next comedian Colin Sho. Colin Shoemaker. Colin Shoemaker. Here he is. How's it going? All right. So I had to take a sexual assault prevention response course.

And in it, they taught us that if a woman feels ashamed about having sex with a man, that it's rape. So I raped every woman I've ever had sex with. So a woman feels ashamed about having sex with a man that it's rape so I raped every woman I've ever had sex with it's like girls aren't proud about having sex with me because I look like a maid of mayonnaise girls aren't waking up next to me like oh wow I fucked him they're waking up like oh my god I fucked him

or they're waking up going oh my god he's fucking me I'm kidding I actually have a black husband going, oh my god, he's fucking me. I'm kidding. I actually have a black husband. He always tries to give me a call and the forbidden word in the bedroom. He's like, go on, white boy, say it. So I do. I'm like, alright, fine.

You're a faggot. I like that joke because normally that word builds tension in a room, doesn't break it, you know? People normally aren't like, oh, thank God he said faggot. That's all I got. There you go. Exactly a minute, Colin Shoemaker. Welcome to the show.

This is your first time here, correct? First time? Yes, sir. Heck yeah. Welcome, welcome. You look like a normal? Yes, sir. Heck yeah. Welcome, welcome. You look like a normal-sized hobbit. Thank you. Has anyone told you that before? You just sort of have like a sloppy

head. Dude, you better be a faggot or I'm gonna be offended, dude. I am absolutely not. That is just for the joke. I think it makes it better. You have a... He's like, but I

am a rapist. Six and one. You know. Colin, how long you been doing stand-up? Six weeks. Six weeks? That's awesome, man. Congratulations. You been going hard at it or just like a little bit?

Every day. How old are you? 23. 23. You from Los Angeles? No, sir. Where you. You been going hard at it or just like a little bit? Yeah, every day. How old are you? 23. 23. You from Los Angeles? No, sir. Where are you from? Pennsylvania originally. What part?

Not the rich one. Mechanicsburg. It's like near Harrisburg. Oh, okay. And how long have you lived in LA? Six weeks. Six weeks. So you came here to start stand-up and you started stand-up?

Living out of my car, yeah. Fuck you. Really? Good for you, man. Wow, that's crazy. What kind of car? You look like you live out of your bicycle. You definitely have car head. Wow. Is it rough living in a Civic? Yeah, well I took all the seats out so

I built a bed frame in it so it's not that terrible. Get the fuck out. It feels like a tiny house., so I built a bed frame in it, so it's not that terrible. Get the fuck out. You're a waltz. It was like a tiny house. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad. You have a bed frame in it? Yeah. A bed frame in a Civic?

Shit's tight, dude, yeah. Yeah, no, it sounds fucking awesome, dude. Literally tight. Dude, it sounds great. Hell yeah, man. Fuck yeah, dude. You want to have a sleepover? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Helmet? Pillow fight. Is it awkward bringing chicks back to the car? Oh yeah, you know it I don't have confidence for that There's no way I don't know who does have confidence for that That's an amazingly confident guy

Who's like, listen Vic, come back to my room Let's do our civic duties You ask a girl what her sleep number is And she looks at your car and says, no. Heck yeah. Come back to my car. Do you Uber or Lyft with the car? What do you do for a living? I actually go to

school. I was in the military so I get the housing allowance. So I just live off of that. What happened in the military? Did you serve or where'd you go? Yeah, I was in Minot, North Dakota for four years working on nuclear missiles. Take a step back and look out at the audience. You were in North Dakota?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I'm really awkward. Is there a war there? No, no, no. There's nukes there, so I worked on the nuclear missiles. Wow. What did you do with them? I just did the electrical work on them.

Thank goodness. You have a high clearance then. Actually, I think I still have top secret. Tell us something top secret that you're not allowed to tell us. Yeah, I can't. Come on. You look like you spent a lot of time

standing right next to the reactor. Yeah, exactly. Just huffing. So what branch of the military was that? Air Force. Air Force. Heck yeah. Wow.

So you ever storm 51, Area 51? No. Did you ever fly in the Air Force? No. Wow. That's interesting. You just worked on nukes four years. Yep.

Wow. So what now? Now I'm slinking rape jokes. Yeah. Yeah, it's the life, man. What's your money-making situation, though? You work on anything? No, I go to school, and because I was in the military, you get the GI Bill.

So I get $3,000 a month on housing allowance. What school? Wait a minute. $3,000 a month? Hold on. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Hold on. Thanks, guys. It's your tax money. You get $3,000 a month, and you live in a Civic. Yeah. You can live in a nice, dude. I'm getting an apartment. It's all good.

Oh, you're getting it. Okay. He's going to get in a cord soon. Don't worry. Yeah. $3,000 a month. You're just saving a lot of money. Yep.

Good for you. That is so cool. You ever Postmates or Uber or anything like that? Work from home? No. Did that last week, but I like it so much. What do you eat on a daily basis? Usually I go to Whole Foods.

I don't know who said that. Doesn't matter, does it? Yeah, yeah. Face that way, motherfucker. Okay, yeah. Oh, because we're just a collective entity. We don't know who said that. Doesn't matter, does it? Yeah, yeah. Face that way, motherfucker. Okay, yeah. Oh, because we're just a collective entity. We don't have individual identities, do we? Yep.

Usually just go to Whole Foods. Well, we eat parts of foods. Okay. Wow. Chroma. How long have you been in the car? Six weeks So what's your favorite area to park in?

Normally I park on Blix The Ha Ha Cafe Have you ever woken up To somebody trying to break in Or something shady happening? No Why would you pick that area? You could live in Beverly Hills if you want to

No you can't You can't pull up a Civic in Beverly Hills. This fucking guy would be shot in the face. What are you, nuts? Yeah, you can pick anywhere you want. But why that area? I can always find parking there. It's pretty easy.

And no one gives a shit. Yeah, no one cares. And then it's only like 15 minutes drive to my school. So it's not that bad. The cops ever tap on your window or anything? No. Actually, I got a parking ticket there. They should have just knocked on the window, but they didn't.

They just gave me a $73 ticket. So fuck. Yeah. Do they see you sleeping and just wrote the ticket? Yeah. I mean, I don't know how they couldn't. Like I have window shades up and stuff. So like you can clearly see somebody's, like, living in that shit.

Yeah. Yeah. That's white privilege right there. Oh, yeah. Living in the car now. There you go. Wow. So, Colin, what's your big plan?

What do you think? When are you eventually going to get your own place or something? Soon, you know. Yeah. Immediately. You've been shopping around? Yep.

Yep, yep, yep. You ever thought of... Are you just really picky? Is that why you're... Nope, not? Soon. Immediately. You've been shopping around? Yep. Are you just really picky? No, not at all. Where are you looking? Keys? I don't know. Just looking around. Around the area. I like how you haven't found anything in six weeks. It just hasn't fit your standards.

You're just like, I don't know. These windows are a little small. I don't mind living out the car. Yeah. It looks like that. Do you learn anything cool in the military that you still use in your everyday life?

Not really. Any hobbies that you have or anything interesting that you do for fun? How do you entertain yourself in a car all day? It gets hot in there. What are you doing? You read a lot on your phone? I just write jokes.

You just write jokes. That's literally it. That's it? I like your fucking, you know, that's a big part of the whole living in your car thing. Like, it's one of those things where people are like, I wonder why, you know, especially people that are, you know, come from a lot of money and never had to worry about things. They have a lot of trouble grasping the live in your car thing. And I don't think they realize it's not like living in your car makes you

a great comedian. If you're a lazy fuck that lives in your car, you're just a lazy fuck that lives in your car. But the one thing that living in your car does do is it certainly opens up for a lot of that. And I think that learning in that type of style and tough situation creates create what he's saying

is the apartment would be a huge mistake yeah stay in your car for as long as you possibly can can't read around them but when you get an apartment keep that same fucking in your car work ethic don't forget you know the hunger and that's how monsters are made you had a fun set tonight first time on the show there

goes Colin Shoemaker. What are we at? 138, huh? All right. That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony, everybody. Look at this drawing from Ryan Shea Ebelt. That's beautiful. That's a great one.

Look at that. Look at you. That looks exactly fucking like you. That's mind-boggling. How about a hand for the great Tim Dillon, everybody? Come on. He's at American Comedy Company, August 1st through the 3rd. And then, no, that's not even right.

I didn't even look at the right thing there. August, yeah, it is, August 1st through the 3rd. Oh, my God, that's crazy. And he's at Raleigh and Good Nightsights the 22nd to the 24th of August check out Tim Dillon is going to hell switches over to the Tim Dillon show so if you're listening this past a week from now get it on iTunes get it everywhere the Tim Dillon

show and past episodes of Tim Dillon is going to hell how about one more time for Tim Dillon everybody and how about one more time for the leader of the band Jeremiah Jeremiah Watkins. Tasty Eddie over there. Go ahead, Jeremiah.

Why don't you plug your stuff? You got a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders. Who's the guest? Special stand-up on the spot edition with Tim Dillon, Andrew Schultz, Chris Redd, and John Rudnitsky. Oh, very cool. And you have a little album there, huh? Yeah, if anybody wants these hard copies of the Reagan and Watkins, I got them at the show.

And follow me on my YouTube page, youtube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. There you go. Follow him on YouTube. How about a big hand? He had a big show tonight. Chroma Chris over there, huh? Yeah. Thanks, Ernie.

Shout out to Ernie Ball. Thank you, Ernie Ball. Ernie Ball Guitar Strings, the newest sponsor of the Kill Tony band as well as Ludwig's very own Joel Berg Joel Jimenez Joel Berg's on social media mostly sorry anything else Joel? Thank you to Ludwig, Cape Man Coffee LA Speedweed

also check out my buddy Derek and his son's podcast Spo Spoil the Beans. They work out here at the Comedy Store. It's a great podcast, and I'll be hosting for Brian in San Diego August 17th. That's right, August 17th. I was just going to say, Brian's headlining one night only in beautiful San Diego. We're in Fort Wayne this weekend. Two Kill Tonys, two stand-up shows at the Tiger Room, Let's Fest, Comedy Festival.

And then I'm in Miami the next weekend, West Palm Beach the first weekend of September, and don't forget Dallas, Texas the first week of October, Kill Tony Mania in the middle of October, and newly announced, going on sale in the next two weeks, Australia at the end of October. Kill Tony with

the whole crew, and DC, November 8th through the 9th. Live audience, thank you so much. If you were here specifically, remember if you want to come back and see Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli and you came for Eddie Bravo specifically next week, be sure to grab this special ticket that the great Janice is handing out

out there. And also you could buy the new Kill Tony pin with the classic brand new Ryan J. Ebel Kill Tony logo. It also glows in the dark. It's from our friends over at Rockin' Pins. You could also, I think, order it straight from Rockin' Pins, rockinpins.com. And thank you so much, live audience. Have a great night.

Thanks a lot, guys. We'll see you soon. Outro Music